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The carriage drove slowly through the streets . The sounds of screams and shouts came from the harbour . Though my hands were tied and bound , I reached them up to push the curtain of the carriage window aside . There was a fire in the harbour . The captain of The Black Prince was Byron Blackgrace , my uncle . They 'd come for me . But I was kidnapped and being taken to a man who was probably going to kill me . I reached for the handle of the carriage door , but a fist stuck me in my face . The ropes cut into my wrist , stinging and painful . It almost made me laugh at how hands bound together looked like praying . My only prays were that my family found me before Varney killed me . The one who 'd left , a stout man with sandy hair , came back . ' Governor 's boys , ' he said , ' blocking up the road . There 's no way round . ' I felt the grip on my waist tighten . He said , ' We walk . Governor 's men aren 't going to care one lick about us , not if they 've got pirates to deal with . ' A small argument broke out , but it was soon decided they would march me to Varney 's . I was dragged outside . At the end of the street I could see some of the Governor 's men blocking it off . They were all armed with rifles and swords . More marched down that street . I was dragged away from the sight . Other people stood in the streets watching . No one paid attention to the bound and gagged girl being marched along . Some people were staying in their homes and locking their doors and windows , but peeping outside . Other people came into the streets to see what was going on in the harbour , maybe to catch a glimpse of The Black Prince . I was marched to the very top of the hill , where the bigger and larger houses were . It was almost impressive that Varney owned two houses like this . They took me inside . There were only two small candles lit to illuminate the hallway . There were bookshelves filled with red and black ledgers . At other end was an armchair with a very high back . Sitting in it was Varney . He looked like he was dressed for the opera . He had his cane next to him . He pulled the handle top of it up and it revealed a sword concealed within . He dropped it back down and picked it up and dropped down it again . Varney scarcely looked at me when I came in . He was a terrible host . ' Leave us , ' Varney said . The young man left us alone in the room . Varney made no motion other than to play with his cane . He looked entirely despondent . He sneered at me . He turned to face me and the lamp by his side shone on half of his face . ' Having the Blackgraces here means only destruction and death . ' ' I was there , ' he said . ' All those years ago , when Grayson kidnapped William Blackgrace 's family . I was part of the gang . ' He said , ' I saw the sheer destruction , the death and the violence the Blackgraces caused and I swore … there was a better way of doing things , without violence without … ' He shook his head . ' I deal in trinkets that pass through this island and one day what did I find but the Blackgrace locket that belonged to infant Arwen . Of course , the merchant had no idea what he had hold of , few people do . So I purchased it from him and came up with a plan . ' He laughed , ' Giles told you Arwen had a scar because you had a scar ! ' He stood up , gripping his cane in his hand . ' We were so lucky to find you because you were so willing to be convinced that you were Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' No . ' He was very close to me . ' I was going to kill you and try to find another orphan in time . It wouldn 't be hard . This is Seastone - the isle of the orphans . You , Beatrice Seastone , are not the daughter of a pirate captain , you are a damned orphan , and you are absolutely nothing special . ' I launched myself at him , striking him with my bound hands . Varney was caught off guard and I knocked him to the floor . My hands went around his throat and squeezed . The cane struck me on the side of my face and it knocked me to my side . I heard metal on wood as he drew the sword from his cane . I rolled again and saw a flash of metal as the sword stabbed into the spot where I had been . I kicked at Varney and he yelped , letting go of the sword . I quickly got to my feet and put my hands around the hilt of the sword . Varney ran at me . I tugged the sword out and flicked it up . It caught Varney across the stomach . Blood gurgled out of his mouth . He dropped to the floor , the sword sticking out of his chest . A breath rattled out of him and then nothing . I breathed heavily . I could hear loud noises from outside . No doubt Varney 's men were rushing in to kill me . I didn 't care . I 'd been lied to , set - up . I was just some orphan with no past that 'd been tricked to make money . The door opened and a man I didn 't recognise stood looking at me . He was tall and had long , iron - grey hair . He wore all black , even had a flowing black cape . The man 's face was so stern and still it looked like it had been chiselled out of stone . He stepped into the room , not taking his eyes from me . Behind him were people who were not Varney 's men . One of them was a young man with dark - skin who actually smiled at me . I stood up to face the unsmiling man , ready to face whatever fate had in store for me . With a black - gloved hand he quickly reached out and took hold of my chin . He tilted my head up and moved it to the left and then right . It was Byron Blackgrace , captain of The Black Prince . He let go of my head and looked about the room . He nodded and the smiling man came over to me . Again he gave me a cheerful look . He took out his sword . The smiling man tittered and said , ' Believe it or not , but this is the most impressed I 've ever seen him . You 've done a good job here . You really are one of us . ' I looked at him . His gaze didn 't waver . Everybody in the room , the pirates with their swords drawn were looking at me , waiting to hear what I was going to say . I had Devon find me some paper and something to write with . I wrote down the location of Varney 's other house . Once I had finished , Devon took it away . When he came back in the next morning he just said , ' It 's done . ' We were sat around their little table . Devon 's father wouldn 't make eye contact with me . He just wiped his big hands on his scruffy green jacket . ' There 's nothing to be sorry for , Go Away , ' he said . We stood next to each other , leaning against the back wall of the butchers . ' You 'll be gone soon , I heard that The Black Prince has been spotted . ' Later in the afternoon , Devon came down the alleyway . He carried something covered over in a dirty old cloth . His face was pale . I saw him through the window and raced downstairs to greet him . It had been so long since I had been aboard in Seastone at night , I had forgotten about the sights and sounds . But I didn 't miss them . And I wouldn 't miss them when I left . I was a Blackgrace and belonged with them , my family . My life in Seastone had been pretending , a fantasy . And soon , so soon I would be with them . There were only two gates in wall around the jail . We waited by the small gate at the back of the jail . Nobody came in or out . After hours I passed I said to Devon , ' There 's only one thing for it . We 're going to have to knock . ' I banged my fist on the gate . There was a small hatch in door . A lock clicked and the hatch opened . There was an Officer looked out at us . ' Let me give you something for your trouble , ' I said to him , making it look as if I were seeing how much money I had . Instead I pulled out a club Devon had procured for me . I hit the old Officer on the head and he collapsed to the floor . I had rope on me , which I used to tie his hand and legs together . Once we 'd done that , we made our way across to the jail . There was a row of barred windows . A few weeks ago , one of them had been my cell . Devon gave me the barrel of gunpowder and I pulled the top off . I poured out the black powder along the wall just away from where the cells were . Whether or not Varney 's men escaped didn 't matter . It just had to look like an escape attempt , even if it were one that hadn 't worked . ' Run , run , run ' Devon said and took my arm . And we ran back to the gate . We got it open and heard the explosion behind us . In the pubs and the inns and the taverns , everybody was talking about what had happened at the jail . Nobody had ever defied the Governor like that . Devon said to me , ' The way people are talking makes it sound like we 're in the middle of a war . Varney 's claiming he 's got nothing to do with it , it was somebody else . There 's a price on your head , Go Away . ' ' Breaking apart Varney 's businesses . There 's been raids , lots of Officers killed , Varney 's men too . It 's not safe to be out at night anymore . Seastone 's tearing itself apart . ' It was cold in the alley behind the butcher 's shop . Devon shivered and hopped on the spot . ' And I bumped into Lydia Pryce , ' he said . ' she wants to see you . ' ' Beatrice … ' Lydia said and she came over to me . Some moonlight shone with the window . She stood in the patch of it . She wore that old red dress with the red scarf around her neck . Lydia continued , ' But that 's what he did , taken orphans under the pretence of … helping them . But he sold them , Beatrice . And he had not right to do that . ' ' He sold me to a ship , for the men to use , ' she spat . ' Look what they did to me . ' She took the scarf from her neck . I saw rope burns and scars . ' They tortured me for … their pleasure . I was just something to be sold . ' She put her hands on my arm , ' Don 't you see , Beatrice , I 'm offering you a chance you 'd never get … ' ' Of course he was . He was going to sell you , like an item , ' she gripped my arm tighter . ' He couldn 't be allowed to do that . ' In the darkness the men seemed like shadows . Lydia was hurled out of the way and two of them grabbed at me . I kicked and fought and called Devon 's name . ' Shut up , ' said a voice . I only caught a glimpse of him taking out a sword and slashing at Lydia . Her body fell to the floor . My mouth was gagged . They tied my hands together . They pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the house . There was a carriage waiting for me . A man pushed me at the carriage and I hit the side . The slates were rough against my hands . But it wouldn 't be as bad as what would happen to me if I stayed behind . I wasn 't going to be anybody 's prisoner . I was halfway up the wall when I heard shouting from the house . I had to hurry . I reached my hands out , not worrying about getting a safe holding . A hand grabbed my foot and I squealed . I kicked out but the hand held firm . I began to pull despite the hand trying to drag me back . I lashed out with my leg and managed to crush his hand into the wall . He yelped in pain and released his grip . Taking the chance I pulled myself up and was on the top of the wall . My right side hit the ground and the pain went through me . But I had no time for pain . I pulled myself up and ran . Footsteps padded behind me . I was in the Seastone market . It was packed with people , so I could blend into the crowd . But I had to avoid the Governor 's men . One stall had a selection of shawls for sale . I borrowed a dark red one . I promised to myself I would return it eventually . I put the shawl over me to cover my hair and give to chance to hide my face if the Governor 's men got too close . Carefully I made my way through the market and into another part of the town . I avoided the main street and the busier streets and kept my head down . At the top of the street was The Hollow Crown . I took a look around me to see if there were any Governor 's men about . Seeing there were none I quickly made my way to the inn and went inside . She shut the door behind us . Lydia dashed from me and over to the window , holding on to that scarf that was around her neck . ' Officers have been watching me since you escaped … ' She turned away and paced the room . I apologised again but she didn 't seem to hear . ' But you were supposed to help and make things right … ' I lit a candle so I could see where I was . I was in the kitchen . Which is just what I waited . I soon found what I needed - a cutting knife . I blew out the candle and let my eyes become accustomed to the dark . I found the stairs and went all the way up . I found the door at the top that led into the bedroom . I slowly pushed it open . There were no curtains . Some moonlight came through the window . Lying in the bed was Underwood . I crept over , holding the knife out . I stood next to him , and then put the knife against his sensitive areas . I tapped the tip of the knife against his thigh . ' No so loud , ' I smiled . I told him what message I wanted sent . Arwen Blackgrace had been found and was in danger . She was at Seastone . ' Can you tell him that ? ' ' If you don 't sent the message I will know and I will find you . There 's going to be trouble coming . Make sure you 're on the right side . ' Early in the morning the butcher 's shop opened . The butcher stepped outside , wearing the same apron I had seen him wearing last time . It was covered in spots of dirt and blood . I approached him . The large butcher shrugged and invited me inside . I went thought the shop and lead up upstairs to where the family lived . There were five or six other children in the room . Mattresses and rags lay on the floor . Devon 's mother was sitting in a rocking chair by the window . She had the same dark curly hair as Devon . ' Well … if you 're friends with Devon … ' She found little jobs for me to do , sewing and mending , or looking after the children . It felt like been back at the orphanage . Devon stood in the doorway , smirking at me . Before I could speak to him , his mother had him and told him how worried they 'd been . He took out a small purse of coins and handed it to her . His mother looked down at it in wonder then back at Devon . ' And who did you steal this from ? ' ' Oh , I know , ' he grinned . ' So you want me to hide you out until your family comes to get you . Putting not just me at risk , but my beloved family too . ' ' We 're going to turn the Governor and Varney against each other . Their truce is failing , we 're going to break it . They 're going to destroy each other . And while they 're doing it I 'm going to sail away in peace . I waited for guards to take me to the gallows . I couldn 't keep still . I paced , or paced as well as I could in such a tiny cell . In my head , over and over , I could hear Varney whispering , calling me Arwen Blackgrace . This man who controlled Seastone had called me Arwen Blackgrace . And he had told me not to lose hope . I clung as tightly to that as a drowning sailor to a piece of his ship . The men came to my cell late at the night . Without speaking a word they unlocked the cell door . Keys jangled against one officer 's belt as he stepped into my cell . I was gently led out of my cell and into the corridor . At the very end a lamp was burning . The light flicked and illuminated a table when two of the Governor 's finest lay with their heads across the table . This was the big escape . No shots were fired , no voices were raised . Some guards were drugged , others had accepted bribes and even held doors open for me . Outside the jail was a horse and carriage . The door of it was held open for me . I climbed in and one of the men followed and sat alongside me . Thick black curtains covered the windows of the carriage so I couldn 't see outside . The carriage came to a stop . The man opened the door and stepped out . He offered a hand to help me out . I got out of the carriage slowly so I could take a good look at where I was . The house I was standing outside was towards the middle of Seastone , at the top of the hill in the district for the rich and more corrupt islanders . The man led me up to a house with a high walled garden . He opened the gate . We went through the garden and up a path to the back of the house . A door opened and I was shown inside . A few candles flickered , offering a little light . The ceilings in this house were so high , much taller than I was . It made me feel like I was in a child 's dollhouse . Varney was waiting for me in a study . He stood up and said , ' Hello . I trust you made it safely ? ' He spoke as if he were expecting for me tea and cakes . Varney picked up his silver - handled cane and rested it upon his lap . ' The Governor and I have an understanding . I 'm afraid that he has forgotten his understanding of our understanding , if you follow . ' He laughed and showed white teeth . He said , ' The Governor , like myself , abhors violence . Violence is for the unimaginative . The Governor lets me do what I do as long as I steer clear of violent means and occasionally turn in the more violent element in Seastone to him . ' There was something very casual about Varney . He spoke to me like we were making small talk before a dance . I could not imagine people being afraid of this slim man . ' When I was a younger man , ' he said , his face growing serious , ' I saw … a very horrific act of butchery . Men , women , children , all killed . ' Varney leaned back in his chair and rested a hand on his cheek . ' I swore from that day that I would not indulge in violence . There had to be a better way of doing things . ' ' I … well … I 'm an orphan , so I never … it could … ' Maybe it was the wine but I said , ' Yes . I feel like I am . ' ' I found it . Or found a man who had no idea what he had and I had a man purchase it from him . And I knew it meant Arwen Blackgrace was somewhere on this island . ' ' I sent it back to your family with the promise that I 'd deliver you . ' He pointed at me as he said this . ' Of course it 's so I can take a fee for looking after you , just so you know and aren 't disillusioned . ' Varney smiled and reached forward to take my hand . He said , ' I am going to organise a ship to get to the Blackgrace 's island . The Blackgraces have a habit of firing cannons on any ship that gets too close to them , so I need time to send further word to them and arrange our safe journey . Until then you 'll stay here . ' ' It would say it 's my pleasure , but I 'll have to deal with our Governor tomorrow and that will be as far from a pleasure as a man can get . ' He took my hand and kissed it . ' Goodnight , Miss . Blackgrace . ' He left the room through a small door and took his silver handled cane with him . Anders led me up a staircase to a room at the top of the house . He carried a candle to light our way . He held the bedroom door open for me . I went inside the room . There was a candle on the sill , lighting the room . Within a moment I liked it a lot more than my cell . Part of me , maybe the Beatrice part of me , told me it 'd been locked for a good reason , probably my own safety . But hearing the key been turned and the door being locked got my back up . I didn 't like feeling like I 'd just exchanged one cell for another more comfortable one . In the morning the door was unlocked and Anders took me down to breakfast . As we went down the stairs I said , ' Why was my door locked ? Worried about me getting away ? ' At the breakfast table , I kept glancing around , trying to get an idea of the layout of the house . I listened for footsteps and movement and noise as I ate . There was at least two other people in the house . I told him that would do fine . He shuffled awkwardly next to me as he left the house and went to the garden . Anders seemed petrified by me . I wondered if it was because I was a Blackgrace or because I was a girl . The garden of the house was large , and surrounded by a wall made out of slate and rocks . The walls were high , maybe three times the size of me . We walked all the way around . There was only one exit - the gate I came through the other night . I went up to it but there was a lock across it . That day back in The Hope and Anchor , two men had tried to grab me . One was dead , the other was walking right past me . He was a short squat man . Markus and the big bald man had tried to kidnap me and take me away . And he was working for Varney . They had known that I was Arwen Blackgrace . It suddenly became clear . Varney was making the Blackgrace 's pay to have me back . He 'd had Giles find me . He 'd killed Giles and tried to kidnap me so could have all the money to himself . His cheeks flushed red and he hurried away . As soon as he was back inside the house I took a good look at the wall around the garden . It was tall . But the only way out was to climb it . My cell was not much bigger than I was . If I lay down on the floor and stretched out I would be able to touch the walls with my hands and touch the bars with my toes . The back wall had a small window with three bars across it . Outside I could see the sea . The back wall was the only solid wall of the cell . The other sides were bars connected to other cells on the left and right . There was nothing else inside the cell except something that might have been a chamber pot . ' A Lydia Pryce was here earlier . She says she was with you these few days so you couldn 't have murdered those men . Since you never mentioned her she must be lying . ' In the dark I kept seeing the Blackgrace locket in my mind . Arwen Blackgrace had one . That would have been proof she had been found . I 'd never seen that locket in my life . Maybe it had been stolen when I was a baby ? But then , there was nothing about Arwen Blackgrace having a scar on her shoulder . I had a scar but it meant nothing . ' Sonya . ' I couldn 't tell whether she old or young but her voice sounded weary . ' They put me in here , ' she said , ' because a man tried to rob me . ' ' No , they arrested me because I tried to cut his cock off with his razor . ' She sighed , ' He was the one robbing me . Bloody sailors . We had an agreed price , he has his way with me , then says I overcharged him . He tried to take my money , so I tried to cut his cock off with his razor and he called officers . What are you here for ? ' ' Oh . I 'm sorry for you , gal . If it were my last day even I wouldn 't want to spend it with me . But it looks like we 're stuck with each other . I don 't sleep much at night . Too used to working through it . Can 't sleep unless the sun 's up . Bloody vampire , me . ' ' Me ? ' I said what I felt , ' I 'm no one . Just an orphan . Come from nowhere , going to nowhere . Nothing done in between . ' I nodded , but realised she wouldn 't be able to see that in the dark so I answered , ' Yes . I wish I wasn 't a Seastone . Maybe a Blackgrace instead . That 's a name that means something , means you belong to something - ' ' A name doesn 't mean anything until you do something . It 's what you do that makes it mean something . Like Varney . It 's not his name that means anything , but everything Varney 's done to make you go " oh shit , it 's Varney " . ' ' No joke , love , ' Sonya said , ' he 's real . Fella I 'd do the old business with works for him , talked about him too . ' Sonya scooted a little closer to the bars between us and said in a quieter voice , ' Apparently Varney 's got something big planned . ' Sonya said , ' I 'll tell you this - you know when you see a big old spider web , but you can 't see the spider … and it turns out it 's hiding in a corner where you can 't them and it 's always the biggest damn spider you ever saw . Well , that 's Varney . He 's the spider you can 't see . ' Several footsteps echoed down the corridor . The Governor 's officers stood outside Sonya 's cell . I couldn 't tell how many there were . Keys rattled and cell door opened . I didn 't know how long she was gone . They brought her back to the cell in silence . It was still so dark I could not make out whether her face was bruised and marked . ' Just be glad it wasn 't you , ' she said . ' I 've been here before . I knew what to expect . Let 's just hope they don 't come back . ' The Governor 's men came for me not long after it had gotten light . One man opened my cell and another waited behind him . I couldn 't tell if they were the same men from the night before . As I was marched out of my cell , I saw Sonya out of the corner of my eye . I wanted to say something to her , some goodbye , but I couldn 't find the words . Sonya said , ' Don 't make it easy for ' em , gal ' . She smiled slowly and sadly . With a man either side of me they led me along another corridor , not the one I had entered . I was taken to a large wooden staircase . It was difficult to climb with shackled feet . The room was a large office . At the other end were some very big windows and before them a large , heavy desk . Sitting at the desk was an older man in a blue uniform . He had thick white hair and white moustache . It was the Governor himself . I was so surprised I almost didn 't notice the other man . The other man was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to the Governor . He was much older than me but handsome in his way . His clothes were all immaculate and he held a cane with a sliver handle next to him . I looked about the room . ' Your men , ' I said , ' are pigs . They abused the woman in the cell next to me . I 'm told this is common practise . ' The officers pushed him against firmly and pulled me to my feet . They stepped back from me and Varney stood close . He turned to the Governor behind the desk and said , ' Don 't do this . ' The Governor shook his head . ' You forget , Varney - I am in charge of Seastone . I am the law and I am the justice . Take her away . ' Beatrice Seastone is wanted for the murder of Giles Corrigan , a crime she is trying to solve . She is taken in by the mysterious Lydia Pryce and young thief , Devon . Lydia Pryce offers Beatrice a way off the island , an offer she accepts , but Beatrice takes the last few hours she has to find out if there is a connection between Giles ' death and the mystery of the long - lost Arwen Blackgrace … Devon led us through the quiet streets . All the buildings we passed looked much the same . Grey and brown and white and black . It could be very easy to confuse one part of town with another . ' This Underwood , ' he said , ' is a professor . Or a doctor . Or something . His house is full of books , some of them are really old . You could nick a few and he 'd never know they were missing . But then again I wouldn 't know what would be worth stealing . ' ' Varney runs Seastone . Well , he certainly runs the bits that the Governor doesn 't run . Everything gets back to Varney . He 's probably enough of a rogue to have known the Blackgraces . ' Devon said . ' There 's a bounty on you . More than what Lydia 's paying me . ' He looked across at me . ' It 'd be much easier if I handed you over . ' Devon sighed . ' When you were a kid did you ever think that your parents weren 't your parents ? You know like , it was a mistake you belonged to some other family ? ' At the very top of the hill was a house that seemed like any other on the street . These houses were larger than those closer to the harbour and the port . We reached a black door and Devon used the doorknocker . The boy shut the door in Devon 's face . Devon stood up and brushed his knees . The door opened again . The boy appeared and said , ' He says no . ' We went in . The boy went down a dark hallway and we followed him to a dark room filled with books . Every part of the wall had a bookcase against it and every bookcase was filled . In the centre of the room was a table covered in paper . Across from it was a large red armchair with a tall back . Sitting in it was a pale man with a bald spot in the middle of his hair . He wore a red dressing gown ' You ? What are you doing here ? ' Underwood said this to Devon but he kept glancing across at me . He then stood up , ' If it 's money you 've after you can - ' Underwood stared at me . He then slowly pointed a finger at me , before retracting it and tapping it against his lips . He then turned his head and shouted , ' Boy ! ' Underwood stood up . ' Excuse me , ' he said as he rushed out of the room . A few minutes later and Underwood came back into the room . ' Sorry , ' he said rushing back to his armchair . ' Checking about the tea . We have no tea . Sorry . ' He sat down and without looking at me said , ' Blackgraces . What do you want to know ? ' It took me a second to realise he was finished . That was a lot to take in . I took a seat at the table and said , ' I want to know about Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' His wife and child had died during the cannon attack . Blackgrace was devastated , his wife and child were no more … and all because of his fury . It is said the family were killed when the Blackgrace cannon balls hit . ' ' Arwen Blackgrace was not found . William Blackgrace was certain that he should find her and it would prove that he had not been the one to kill his family . He searched for her , for years , finding those of Grayson 's crew that had deserted him … but he found no trace of his daughter . After years he gave up and Byron took control . Arwen Blackgrace was never found . ' Underwood opened the book and began going through the pages . He turned the book around and showed it too me . On the page was a drawing in pencil of a piece of jewellery . ' The Blackgrace locket , ' Underwood said . ' Made out of gold . You see the design , ' he pointed at the drawing , ' green and black gems in the design of a kraken , you see ? ' ' Ah , ' Underwood said , ' William Blackgrace had three commissioned - one for his wife when they were married , one for his son when he was born , and then one for the daughter . When Blackgrace found his wife and son they both had their lockets with them . The third one and Arwen Blackgrace were never found . ' Underwood stepped back . He looked very smug . ' You see , people tried to say they 'd found Arwen Blackgrace , but without that locket … he would never believe them . ' He sat back in the armchair , going through the pages . I hoped and hoped that he would look back up and say he 'd found something about Arwen 's scar . But he never did . He took more books from the shelves , but he could find nothing . I got through the doorway and felt a hand push into my back . It forced me forward and I tumbled over and landed on the floor . I lifted my head to see Devon burst through a door and sprint away . And now - the belated part three of Arwen Blackgrace , apologies for the delay . Beatrice Seastone is now on the run after murdering a man who twice unsuccessfully tried to kidnap her . Lost and alone , she is no closer to the truth of Giles Corrigan 's murder or the truth of her birth . . A young man sat down next to me . I hadn 't noticed him approach . He was wearing a red waistcoat and had black curly hair . He smiled at me . ' Hello , ' he said . In the early morning light I could see his pale face was full of freckles and he was grinning . ' My name 's Devon . What 's yours ? ' He took a step back . ' Look , Miss . Go Away , ' he said , ' I 'll give you it back , I just have to get you somewhere first . ' ' You shouldn 't , ' he said . He stuck his hands in his pockets . ' Didn 't you hear the bit about thief , vagabond and gentleman rogue ? ' The young man shook his head and sighed . ' Look , some rich lady said find this barmaid for me , and I said , " I could find you a dozen " , she said , " no , I want this one , so I can offer her a job in Pentia " , and I said , " well is she pretty " ? And she said , " shut up and have these coins " . ' I held my hand out . He smirked and handed the letter opener back . I held it close to me . There was still blood on it . There was still blood on me . At the top of the street was a hotel called The Hollow Crown . It was a tall wide building . It catered for rich travellers rather than ordinary sailors . We went inside . An older woman , the proprietor , I think , looked across at us , and Devon gave her a wave . He dashed up the stairs , taking two at a time . Devon held the door open for me . I nervously stepped inside . The room was twice as big as mine at the Hope and Anchor had been . In the corner was a large bed with a chest at its foot . On the other side were a table and chairs . And standing next to a window was a lady in a dress the colour of a dark red wine . She was older than me by many years but her face was very striking . She had long dark hair . Covering her neck was a delicate red scarf . ' Thank you , ' the lady said . She smiled at me , ' Please ' . She motioned to the table . I slowly walked towards it and sat down . Devon stood nearby . ' I was born here , ' she said . ' I 'd lived in the orphanage for fourteen years before I … sailed away . I now live in Pentia . I run an orphanage . ' Lydia continued , ' It 's a very different orphanage to Seastone . We care for the children , not just while they are with us , but afterwards . Being an orphan can … limit your choices . ' She smiled . But it was not a happy smile . ' I heard about what happened to you . What happened to … Giles Corrigan . ' Her fingers drummed on the table then they were still . ' With the death of … that man , I was worried your choices would be limited . I searched for you , until this … young man offered his services to find you . ' ' Beatrice , ' Lydia said . ' I very much want you to come and work for me . You can leave all this behind you . You 'll never have to see Seastone again , not if you don 't wish to . ' All times I had dreamed that I was on one of the ships leaving Seastone and sailing away … here was my chance . Lydia told me that she had booked passage on the ship , I wouldn 't have to worry about money . All that she asked is that I work at the orphanage she ran . ' To be born a Seastone is to be limited , ' she said . ' But with my children in Pentia , we strive to open the world for them , not close it . And who better to help than orphans … like us . ' The red scarf started to slip from around her neck and she quickly pulled it up . Underneath I could a glimpse of something . It looked like a birthmark , but I couldn 't be sure . Leaving Seastone had been all I had dreamed about for so long . Even if I worked in an orphanage for a year or more , I would still be away from Seastone . I would in Pentia . I 'd heard that Pentia was much warmer and sunnier than this island . But if I went would I ever find out about what happened to Giles ? He 'd taken me from the orphanage , given me a job , a place to live … and maybe a past . If I left now would I ever find out the truth about whether or not I was Arwen Blackgrace ? ' Don 't worry , ' I said to her with all the sincerity I could muster . ' I will be back . I want to leave this place . ' I shook my head . ' No . I 'm going back . I 'll take that ship . But there 's something I need to know first . Devon ? ' He looked over at me . He looked completely puzzled . ' I didn 't want to say this , but you know you 're wanted by the Governor 's men ? For murder . Widow Pryce was paying me extra to find you before they did . ' ' Then I just have to stay out of their way before the ship to Pentia this evening , ' I said . ' But I can 't go without find out about Arwen Blackgrace . I have to , Devon . ' He jumped up and said . ' We best get a move on then . ' He darted up the street suddenly . ' Come along , Go Away , ' he called . In Part One , a 17 year - old orphan and barmaid , Beatrice Seastone , is told she maybe the long - lost daughter of pirate William Blackgrace by her landlord , Giles Corrigan . He is subsequently murdered , and the Governor 's officers suspect Beatrice . While she grieves , mysterious men break into the pub , and she overhears them talk about kidnapping her … My only way out was to fight . At the very end of the room was a small fireplace and I dashed over to it . In the fireplace were a couple of logs . I grabbed the biggest one I could find . When I turned around the large bald man was in the doorway . He looked surprised as I thrust the log upwards and struck him in the nose . Blood trickled down his face and he stumbled backwards onto the landing . I ran around the large man to the stairs . I heard thunks as the log fell from my hands and raced down the stairs with me . The men were howling and moaning in pain and they were coming after me . There were a few people walking in the afternoon sun along the street . No one was interested in a girl with a torn dress running past them . But this was Seastone . It probably wasn 't an unusual sight for them . Children played in the street , dancing around the pile of horse muck . I was in the part of town at the bottom of the hill . I stuck to the quieter streets . I couldn 't help but jump whenever anybody walked past me . The men who had come for me had known about my scar , the same scar that Arwen Blackgrace had . The more I walked and the more I thought the more it seemed that Giles ' death had to be connected with the possibility I was the missing Arwen Blackgrace . Everybody thought I was living with Giles - was I the intended victim ? I found myself heading towards the place where Giles had lived . The house looked like all the others on the street , there was nothing to make it stick out … except for the broken door . That was new . It was broken from the outside . I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching and stepped inside . The bed sheet hadn 't been changed . It was covered in dried blood . I gasped . Giles must have been lying in bed , maybe asleep when he was shot . In the middle of the room was the partition . On the other side was where I had slept . Next to the partition , on Giles ' side was an open window . I picked up a little stool and dragged it over to the window . I stood on it to get a better look . The window was easy enough for somebody taller than me to reach up to and climb up . I leant out of the window and saw no footprints or boot marks on the ground . I got off the stool and stepped back . The murderer had come through the window . It would have been dark with only moonlight to go by . The murderer saw the partition and thought on one side was Giles , on the other was me . They took their chance and it was the wrong one . Mrs . Mulligan was a little old dear who spent her days looking after her cats and watching out of her window to see what everyone else was doing . She took me across the street to her house . She made me a meal while her cats clawed all over me . ' I heard it , all right . I was awake anyway , ' she groaned as she sat down at the table . ' I don 't sleep anymore I just sit out there and Winslow keeps me company . ' Once I had finished eating , I thanked Mrs . Mulligan for the meal and left . I went back to Giles ' house because it was the only place I had to go . I couldn 't go back to The Hope and Anchor . There was nowhere else for me to go . Giles ' had a place where he kept his letters along with a pretty silver letter opener . I could mostly read so I took out his letters and started looking through them . I searched for any mention of the Blackgrace 's . But there was nothing . The letters were about business . People wrote to arrange to meet Giles ' in various places , though some , surprisingly , in the southeast part of the port . That part of the port was vicious . There were more cathouses down there than on any part of the island . Everybody knew to avoid that part of the port . But in the most recent letter , somebody was arranging to meet Giles in The Tiger 's Head . I thought of the nights when The Hope and Anchor had closed and Giles had said he had to go and run some errands . He had been doing business in that part of town ? Inside a drawer Giles kept a small bag of coins . I had never stolen anything before . It made my stomach feel heavy doing it . I also took Giles ' silver letter opener and concealed it . The Tiger 's Head was nothing like The Hope and Anchor . It was louder and crammed with more bodies . The Tiger 's Head was dark because all the candles were so high up on the walls to prevent drunks from crashing into them and burning the place down . I sipped at the ale . It was watered down , but nobody else seemed to mind . I leaned against he bar and wondered what I could do next . A hand grabbed my arm . My arm was still bare after the arm of my dress had been torn off . I spun around to see a tall , wide , bald man . His nose looked disjointed and out of place . All I got was laughter and jeers . The bald man with a broken nose grabbed hold of me and pushed me into the crowd . I felt a man grope me and laugh in my ear . The people in the bar pushed me towards the door . They were trying to help the bald man . A tickle of blood ran down his throat and onto his chest . He coughed and blood dribbled from the centre of his mouth . The bald , bleeding man stepped forward and fell onto his knees . He tried to speak but nothing came out but blood . He put his hands around his throat like he was choking himself . Blood seeped through the gaps between his fingers . I 'd just killed a man . I dragged my feet . My feet began to shuffle . When they shuffled quickly enough I turned it into a run . Seastone was a port town on an island and it thrived on trading goods and sailors spending money ashore . The sailors and their captains and their cabin boys would come ashore and spend money in the taverns and cathouses before sailing to another part of the world . And we in Seastone would be left to count their money and be ready for the next lot to come ashore . A little way from the harbour was a small pub called The Hope and Anchor . I 'd been working there a few weeks , scrubbing the floors and serving the drinks . At nights The Hope and Anchor would be full and I 'd be weaving around the drunks to collect empty tankards . I made my way to the bar and put the empty tankards down . The landlord , Giles , gave me a sympathetic look . His eyes were very blue and he had a small white beard . He gently put his hand on my arm . I looked around the pub , at all of the drunks and the sailors . They had no idea who I was . If they knew then they would fall out of their chairs and go out of their way to treat me with respect . That made me smile . Last orders when taken and the old - timers shuffled out . As I snuffed out the candles , Giles took his keys from his belt to lock up . As he opened the door , I said , ' Giles , I wanted to ask you - ' He raised a hand . ' I 'm very tired , lass , ' he said . He gently smiled and said , ' Let 's talk about it in the morning . ' I went upstairs to the room where I lived . The room was small and it had a dresser , though I hadn 't much use for it as I only had a few clothes . Out of the window I had a view of the harbour and the sea . I sat on the bed and looked outside and listened to the sounds from the sea . After I left the orphanage and got the job at The Hope and Anchor I 'd had to share a room with Giles in his house . It was a smaller room than this , with only a partition across it to separate where Giles and I slept . People gossiped about the landlord taking home his barmaid every night , but it was never anything like that . Even though I had the room above The Hope and Anchor now , I still heard snide comments about living with Giles . I lay back on the bed and ignored sounds the drunken shouts of the sailors and the fake moaning of their women , and instead I focussed on the sea and the waves . I was told Giles Corrigan was a good man to work for . The girls who 'd worked for him had left Seastone to sail away to other parts of the world . There was so much I wanted to ask Giles . Every time I tried to question him it was always , ' We 'll talk tomorrow ' or ' Not now , lass . ' And when I did get him to talk about it , he never wanted to say much , just the same - ' You can 't tell anybody about this ' and ' You cannot tell a soul . If , God forbid , any of the Governor 's men should find out … The Governor hates the whole pack of Blackgraces , he 'd hang every last one if he had a chance , so if ever he found out about you , Beatrice … ' Giles shook his head and wouldn 't say anymore . My heart beat a little faster . I put the mop in the bucket and went over to the door . I took out the bolt and moved the latch . Standing outside were three of the Governor 's officers . All three dressed in identical midnight blue uniform with sabres hanging at their sides . The officer at the door had a blonde moustache . Meekly , I moved aside . Their boots echoed around the pub as they came inside . Two officers stood on either side of the pub and the third , with the moustache , sat down and took out a pipe . I winced . Seastone was the surname given to any orphan on the island . It wasn 't uncommon . The sailors sometimes left the whores with more than their coin . ' There was a break - in . Somebody came into Corrigan 's room and shot him in the head . ' A puff of smoke came from the Lieutenant 's pipe . He took it from his mouth and said , ' We were under the belief you lived with Giles Corrigan . So , where were you last night ? ' The Lieutenant looked at me and said nothing . The pipe smoke danced around his face . He took the pipe from his mouth to his hands . ' Violent murder is something the Governor does not tolerate . ' He got to his feet . ' If this is unsolved by the end of the day , the Governor himself may take a personal interest in the affairs of Giles Corrigan the landlord . The Governor does not tolerate murderers running free on his island . ' He beckoned to the other officers and led them to the door . As he stood in the doorway , he turned to say , ' I would stay put . We may have need of you in the future . ' ' The Blackgrace 's have always been the most revered pirates . William Blackgrace was the Captain , with his brother Byron was his second - in - command . William had a wife and two babies - a girl and a boy . While Captain Blackgrace was at sea , rivals kidnapped his wife and the children and held them hostage . The Captain was wild with rage . He and his brother Byron raised a fleet and stormed the island where his family were held . The rivals were slaughtered , but when William Blackgrace found his family his wife and son were dead . ' His infant daughter , Arwen Blackgrace , was never found . William Blackgrace was convinced his daughter was alive and taken somewhere , maybe to be ransomed again . He searched for years . ' ' The baby was never found . Nobody knows what happened to her . This was … nearly twenty years ago , ' Giles said . ' She was looked for , a girl with red hair and blue eyes . And … ' he said , ' and a scar . A long scar on her left shoulder . ' I was an orphan , abandoned as a baby , never known who my parents were . I was seventeen . My hair was red . My eyes were blue . For as long as I could remember there had been a scar on my left shoulder . I had no idea how I got it . ' You mustn 't say anything about this , Beatrice . ' His watery blue eyes stared hard at me . ' You cannot tell a soul . We 'd both be in danger if anybody knew . ' All my life I had felt like I had never fitted it . Not at the orphanage as a child , not as an older girl , looking after the new orphans . Not even here , at The Hope and Anchor , had I felt like I belonged . I had always felt there had to be somewhere else for me . Somewhere I really , truly , belonged . He may have been the only one who knew if I really was Arwen Blackgrace . For a moment , I thought what if he was killed because of me ? Everyone thought I was living with him ? The Blackgraces were feared - I got off the floor and rushed to the front door . I quickly put the latch on and bolted the door . I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of . My mind was full of thoughts I couldn 't fully grasp . From the window in the room I live in , I watched the ships make their way from the port and towards the horizon . I wished I could disappear into the horizon like that . They were making their way around the bar and towards the stairs . I crept back into my room , heart pounding . They might have been Giles ' murderers . Their being here and Giles ' death could not be a coincidence . I normally write ' drama ' fiction , but this is something very different . If I had to give it a genre I would say it 's pirate - noir . Arwen Blackgrace is a murder - mystery thriller with a few pirates thrown in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The carriage drove slowly through the streets . The sounds of screams and shouts came from the harbour . Though my hands were tied and bound , I reached them up to push the curtain of the carriage window aside . There was a fire in the harbour . The captain of The Black Prince was Byron Blackgrace , my uncle . They 'd come for me . But I was kidnapped and being taken to a man who was probably going to kill me . I reached for the handle of the carriage door , but a fist stuck me in my face . The ropes cut into my wrist , stinging and painful . It almost made me laugh at how hands bound together looked like praying . My only prays were that my family found me before Varney killed me . The one who 'd left , a stout man with sandy hair , came back . ' Governor 's boys , ' he said , ' blocking up the road . There 's no way round . ' I felt the grip on my waist tighten . He said , ' We walk . Governor 's men aren 't going to care one lick about us , not if they 've got pirates to deal with . ' A small argument broke out , but it was soon decided they would march me to Varney 's . I was dragged outside . At the end of the street I could see some of the Governor 's men blocking it off . They were all armed with rifles and swords . More marched down that street . I was dragged away from the sight . Other people stood in the streets watching . No one paid attention to the bound and gagged girl being marched along . Some people were staying in their homes and locking their doors and windows , but peeping outside . Other people came into the streets to see what was going on in the harbour , maybe to catch a glimpse of The Black Prince . I was marched to the very top of the hill , where the bigger and larger houses were . It was almost impressive that Varney owned two houses like this . They took me inside . There were only two small candles lit to illuminate the hallway . There were bookshelves filled with red and black ledgers . At other end was an armchair with a very high back . Sitting in it was Varney . He looked like he was dressed for the opera . He had his cane next to him . He pulled the handle top of it up and it revealed a sword concealed within . He dropped it back down and picked it up and dropped down it again . Varney scarcely looked at me when I came in . He was a terrible host . ' Leave us , ' Varney said . The young man left us alone in the room . Varney made no motion other than to play with his cane . He looked entirely despondent . He sneered at me . He turned to face me and the lamp by his side shone on half of his face . ' Having the Blackgraces here means only destruction and death . ' ' I was there , ' he said . ' All those years ago , when Grayson kidnapped William Blackgrace 's family . I was part of the gang . ' He said , ' I saw the sheer destruction , the death and the violence the Blackgraces caused and I swore … there was a better way of doing things , without violence without … ' He shook his head . ' I deal in trinkets that pass through this island and one day what did I find but the Blackgrace locket that belonged to infant Arwen . Of course , the merchant had no idea what he had hold of , few people do . So I purchased it from him and came up with a plan . ' He laughed , ' Giles told you Arwen had a scar because you had a scar ! ' He stood up , gripping his cane in his hand . ' We were so lucky to find you because you were so willing to be convinced that you were Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' No . ' He was very close to me . ' I was going to kill you and try to find another orphan in time . It wouldn 't be hard . This is Seastone - the isle of the orphans . You , Beatrice Seastone , are not the daughter of a pirate captain , you are a damned orphan , and you are absolutely nothing special . ' I launched myself at him , striking him with my bound hands . Varney was caught off guard and I knocked him to the floor . My hands went around his throat and squeezed . The cane struck me on the side of my face and it knocked me to my side . I heard metal on wood as he drew the sword from his cane . I rolled again and saw a flash of metal as the sword stabbed into the spot where I had been . I kicked at Varney and he yelped , letting go of the sword . I quickly got to my feet and put my hands around the hilt of the sword . Varney ran at me . I tugged the sword out and flicked it up . It caught Varney across the stomach . Blood gurgled out of his mouth . He dropped to the floor , the sword sticking out of his chest . A breath rattled out of him and then nothing . I breathed heavily . I could hear loud noises from outside . No doubt Varney 's men were rushing in to kill me . I didn 't care . I 'd been lied to , set - up . I was just some orphan with no past that 'd been tricked to make money . The door opened and a man I didn 't recognise stood looking at me . He was tall and had long , iron - grey hair . He wore all black , even had a flowing black cape . The man 's face was so stern and still it looked like it had been chiselled out of stone . He stepped into the room , not taking his eyes from me . Behind him were people who were not Varney 's men . One of them was a young man with dark - skin who actually smiled at me . I stood up to face the unsmiling man , ready to face whatever fate had in store for me . With a black - gloved hand he quickly reached out and took hold of my chin . He tilted my head up and moved it to the left and then right . It was Byron Blackgrace , captain of The Black Prince . He let go of my head and looked about the room . He nodded and the smiling man came over to me . Again he gave me a cheerful look . He took out his sword . The smiling man tittered and said , ' Believe it or not , but this is the most impressed I 've ever seen him . You 've done a good job here . You really are one of us . ' I looked at him . His gaze didn 't waver . Everybody in the room , the pirates with their swords drawn were looking at me , waiting to hear what I was going to say . I had Devon find me some paper and something to write with . I wrote down the location of Varney 's other house . Once I had finished , Devon took it away . When he came back in the next morning he just said , ' It 's done . ' We were sat around their little table . Devon 's father wouldn 't make eye contact with me . He just wiped his big hands on his scruffy green jacket . ' There 's nothing to be sorry for , Go Away , ' he said . We stood next to each other , leaning against the back wall of the butchers . ' You 'll be gone soon , I heard that The Black Prince has been spotted . ' Later in the afternoon , Devon came down the alleyway . He carried something covered over in a dirty old cloth . His face was pale . I saw him through the window and raced downstairs to greet him . It had been so long since I had been aboard in Seastone at night , I had forgotten about the sights and sounds . But I didn 't miss them . And I wouldn 't miss them when I left . I was a Blackgrace and belonged with them , my family . My life in Seastone had been pretending , a fantasy . And soon , so soon I would be with them . There were only two gates in wall around the jail . We waited by the small gate at the back of the jail . Nobody came in or out . After hours I passed I said to Devon , ' There 's only one thing for it . We 're going to have to knock . ' I banged my fist on the gate . There was a small hatch in door . A lock clicked and the hatch opened . There was an Officer looked out at us . ' Let me give you something for your trouble , ' I said to him , making it look as if I were seeing how much money I had . Instead I pulled out a club Devon had procured for me . I hit the old Officer on the head and he collapsed to the floor . I had rope on me , which I used to tie his hand and legs together . Once we 'd done that , we made our way across to the jail . There was a row of barred windows . A few weeks ago , one of them had been my cell . Devon gave me the barrel of gunpowder and I pulled the top off . I poured out the black powder along the wall just away from where the cells were . Whether or not Varney 's men escaped didn 't matter . It just had to look like an escape attempt , even if it were one that hadn 't worked . ' Run , run , run ' Devon said and took my arm . And we ran back to the gate . We got it open and heard the explosion behind us . In the pubs and the inns and the taverns , everybody was talking about what had happened at the jail . Nobody had ever defied the Governor like that . Devon said to me , ' The way people are talking makes it sound like we 're in the middle of a war . Varney 's claiming he 's got nothing to do with it , it was somebody else . There 's a price on your head , Go Away . ' ' Breaking apart Varney 's businesses . There 's been raids , lots of Officers killed , Varney 's men too . It 's not safe to be out at night anymore . Seastone 's tearing itself apart . ' It was cold in the alley behind the butcher 's shop . Devon shivered and hopped on the spot . ' And I bumped into Lydia Pryce , ' he said . ' she wants to see you . ' ' Beatrice … ' Lydia said and she came over to me . Some moonlight shone with the window . She stood in the patch of it . She wore that old red dress with the red scarf around her neck . Lydia continued , ' But that 's what he did , taken orphans under the pretence of … helping them . But he sold them , Beatrice . And he had not right to do that . ' ' He sold me to a ship , for the men to use , ' she spat . ' Look what they did to me . ' She took the scarf from her neck . I saw rope burns and scars . ' They tortured me for … their pleasure . I was just something to be sold . ' She put her hands on my arm , ' Don 't you see , Beatrice , I 'm offering you a chance you 'd never get … ' ' Of course he was . He was going to sell you , like an item , ' she gripped my arm tighter . ' He couldn 't be allowed to do that . ' In the darkness the men seemed like shadows . Lydia was hurled out of the way and two of them grabbed at me . I kicked and fought and called Devon 's name . ' Shut up , ' said a voice . I only caught a glimpse of him taking out a sword and slashing at Lydia . Her body fell to the floor . My mouth was gagged . They tied my hands together . They pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the house . There was a carriage waiting for me . A man pushed me at the carriage and I hit the side . The slates were rough against my hands . But it wouldn 't be as bad as what would happen to me if I stayed behind . I wasn 't going to be anybody 's prisoner . I was halfway up the wall when I heard shouting from the house . I had to hurry . I reached my hands out , not worrying about getting a safe holding . A hand grabbed my foot and I squealed . I kicked out but the hand held firm . I began to pull despite the hand trying to drag me back . I lashed out with my leg and managed to crush his hand into the wall . He yelped in pain and released his grip . Taking the chance I pulled myself up and was on the top of the wall . My right side hit the ground and the pain went through me . But I had no time for pain . I pulled myself up and ran . Footsteps padded behind me . I was in the Seastone market . It was packed with people , so I could blend into the crowd . But I had to avoid the Governor 's men . One stall had a selection of shawls for sale . I borrowed a dark red one . I promised to myself I would return it eventually . I put the shawl over me to cover my hair and give to chance to hide my face if the Governor 's men got too close . Carefully I made my way through the market and into another part of the town . I avoided the main street and the busier streets and kept my head down . At the top of the street was The Hollow Crown . I took a look around me to see if there were any Governor 's men about . Seeing there were none I quickly made my way to the inn and went inside . She shut the door behind us . Lydia dashed from me and over to the window , holding on to that scarf that was around her neck . ' Officers have been watching me since you escaped … ' She turned away and paced the room . I apologised again but she didn 't seem to hear . ' But you were supposed to help and make things right … ' I lit a candle so I could see where I was . I was in the kitchen . Which is just what I waited . I soon found what I needed - a cutting knife . I blew out the candle and let my eyes become accustomed to the dark . I found the stairs and went all the way up . I found the door at the top that led into the bedroom . I slowly pushed it open . There were no curtains . Some moonlight came through the window . Lying in the bed was Underwood . I crept over , holding the knife out . I stood next to him , and then put the knife against his sensitive areas . I tapped the tip of the knife against his thigh . ' No so loud , ' I smiled . I told him what message I wanted sent . Arwen Blackgrace had been found and was in danger . She was at Seastone . ' Can you tell him that ? ' ' If you don 't sent the message I will know and I will find you . There 's going to be trouble coming . Make sure you 're on the right side . ' Early in the morning the butcher 's shop opened . The butcher stepped outside , wearing the same apron I had seen him wearing last time . It was covered in spots of dirt and blood . I approached him . The large butcher shrugged and invited me inside . I went thought the shop and lead up upstairs to where the family lived . There were five or six other children in the room . Mattresses and rags lay on the floor . Devon 's mother was sitting in a rocking chair by the window . She had the same dark curly hair as Devon . ' Well … if you 're friends with Devon … ' She found little jobs for me to do , sewing and mending , or looking after the children . It felt like been back at the orphanage . Devon stood in the doorway , smirking at me . Before I could speak to him , his mother had him and told him how worried they 'd been . He took out a small purse of coins and handed it to her . His mother looked down at it in wonder then back at Devon . ' And who did you steal this from ? ' ' Oh , I know , ' he grinned . ' So you want me to hide you out until your family comes to get you . Putting not just me at risk , but my beloved family too . ' ' We 're going to turn the Governor and Varney against each other . Their truce is failing , we 're going to break it . They 're going to destroy each other . And while they 're doing it I 'm going to sail away in peace . I waited for guards to take me to the gallows . I couldn 't keep still . I paced , or paced as well as I could in such a tiny cell . In my head , over and over , I could hear Varney whispering , calling me Arwen Blackgrace . This man who controlled Seastone had called me Arwen Blackgrace . And he had told me not to lose hope . I clung as tightly to that as a drowning sailor to a piece of his ship . The men came to my cell late at the night . Without speaking a word they unlocked the cell door . Keys jangled against one officer 's belt as he stepped into my cell . I was gently led out of my cell and into the corridor . At the very end a lamp was burning . The light flicked and illuminated a table when two of the Governor 's finest lay with their heads across the table . This was the big escape . No shots were fired , no voices were raised . Some guards were drugged , others had accepted bribes and even held doors open for me . Outside the jail was a horse and carriage . The door of it was held open for me . I climbed in and one of the men followed and sat alongside me . Thick black curtains covered the windows of the carriage so I couldn 't see outside . The carriage came to a stop . The man opened the door and stepped out . He offered a hand to help me out . I got out of the carriage slowly so I could take a good look at where I was . The house I was standing outside was towards the middle of Seastone , at the top of the hill in the district for the rich and more corrupt islanders . The man led me up to a house with a high walled garden . He opened the gate . We went through the garden and up a path to the back of the house . A door opened and I was shown inside . A few candles flickered , offering a little light . The ceilings in this house were so high , much taller than I was . It made me feel like I was in a child 's dollhouse . Varney was waiting for me in a study . He stood up and said , ' Hello . I trust you made it safely ? ' He spoke as if he were expecting for me tea and cakes . Varney picked up his silver - handled cane and rested it upon his lap . ' The Governor and I have an understanding . I 'm afraid that he has forgotten his understanding of our understanding , if you follow . ' He laughed and showed white teeth . He said , ' The Governor , like myself , abhors violence . Violence is for the unimaginative . The Governor lets me do what I do as long as I steer clear of violent means and occasionally turn in the more violent element in Seastone to him . ' There was something very casual about Varney . He spoke to me like we were making small talk before a dance . I could not imagine people being afraid of this slim man . ' When I was a younger man , ' he said , his face growing serious , ' I saw … a very horrific act of butchery . Men , women , children , all killed . ' Varney leaned back in his chair and rested a hand on his cheek . ' I swore from that day that I would not indulge in violence . There had to be a better way of doing things . ' ' I … well … I 'm an orphan , so I never … it could … ' Maybe it was the wine but I said , ' Yes . I feel like I am . ' ' I found it . Or found a man who had no idea what he had and I had a man purchase it from him . And I knew it meant Arwen Blackgrace was somewhere on this island . ' ' I sent it back to your family with the promise that I 'd deliver you . ' He pointed at me as he said this . ' Of course it 's so I can take a fee for looking after you , just so you know and aren 't disillusioned . ' Varney smiled and reached forward to take my hand . He said , ' I am going to organise a ship to get to the Blackgrace 's island . The Blackgraces have a habit of firing cannons on any ship that gets too close to them , so I need time to send further word to them and arrange our safe journey . Until then you 'll stay here . ' ' It would say it 's my pleasure , but I 'll have to deal with our Governor tomorrow and that will be as far from a pleasure as a man can get . ' He took my hand and kissed it . ' Goodnight , Miss . Blackgrace . ' He left the room through a small door and took his silver handled cane with him . Anders led me up a staircase to a room at the top of the house . He carried a candle to light our way . He held the bedroom door open for me . I went inside the room . There was a candle on the sill , lighting the room . Within a moment I liked it a lot more than my cell . Part of me , maybe the Beatrice part of me , told me it 'd been locked for a good reason , probably my own safety . But hearing the key been turned and the door being locked got my back up . I didn 't like feeling like I 'd just exchanged one cell for another more comfortable one . In the morning the door was unlocked and Anders took me down to breakfast . As we went down the stairs I said , ' Why was my door locked ? Worried about me getting away ? ' At the breakfast table , I kept glancing around , trying to get an idea of the layout of the house . I listened for footsteps and movement and noise as I ate . There was at least two other people in the house . I told him that would do fine . He shuffled awkwardly next to me as he left the house and went to the garden . Anders seemed petrified by me . I wondered if it was because I was a Blackgrace or because I was a girl . The garden of the house was large , and surrounded by a wall made out of slate and rocks . The walls were high , maybe three times the size of me . We walked all the way around . There was only one exit - the gate I came through the other night . I went up to it but there was a lock across it . That day back in The Hope and Anchor , two men had tried to grab me . One was dead , the other was walking right past me . He was a short squat man . Markus and the big bald man had tried to kidnap me and take me away . And he was working for Varney . They had known that I was Arwen Blackgrace . It suddenly became clear . Varney was making the Blackgrace 's pay to have me back . He 'd had Giles find me . He 'd killed Giles and tried to kidnap me so could have all the money to himself . His cheeks flushed red and he hurried away . As soon as he was back inside the house I took a good look at the wall around the garden . It was tall . But the only way out was to climb it . My cell was not much bigger than I was . If I lay down on the floor and stretched out I would be able to touch the walls with my hands and touch the bars with my toes . The back wall had a small window with three bars across it . Outside I could see the sea . The back wall was the only solid wall of the cell . The other sides were bars connected to other cells on the left and right . There was nothing else inside the cell except something that might have been a chamber pot . ' A Lydia Pryce was here earlier . She says she was with you these few days so you couldn 't have murdered those men . Since you never mentioned her she must be lying . ' In the dark I kept seeing the Blackgrace locket in my mind . Arwen Blackgrace had one . That would have been proof she had been found . I 'd never seen that locket in my life . Maybe it had been stolen when I was a baby ? But then , there was nothing about Arwen Blackgrace having a scar on her shoulder . I had a scar but it meant nothing . ' Sonya . ' I couldn 't tell whether she old or young but her voice sounded weary . ' They put me in here , ' she said , ' because a man tried to rob me . ' ' No , they arrested me because I tried to cut his cock off with his razor . ' She sighed , ' He was the one robbing me . Bloody sailors . We had an agreed price , he has his way with me , then says I overcharged him . He tried to take my money , so I tried to cut his cock off with his razor and he called officers . What are you here for ? ' ' Oh . I 'm sorry for you , gal . If it were my last day even I wouldn 't want to spend it with me . But it looks like we 're stuck with each other . I don 't sleep much at night . Too used to working through it . Can 't sleep unless the sun 's up . Bloody vampire , me . ' ' Me ? ' I said what I felt , ' I 'm no one . Just an orphan . Come from nowhere , going to nowhere . Nothing done in between . ' I nodded , but realised she wouldn 't be able to see that in the dark so I answered , ' Yes . I wish I wasn 't a Seastone . Maybe a Blackgrace instead . That 's a name that means something , means you belong to something - ' ' A name doesn 't mean anything until you do something . It 's what you do that makes it mean something . Like Varney . It 's not his name that means anything , but everything Varney 's done to make you go " oh shit , it 's Varney " . ' ' No joke , love , ' Sonya said , ' he 's real . Fella I 'd do the old business with works for him , talked about him too . ' Sonya scooted a little closer to the bars between us and said in a quieter voice , ' Apparently Varney 's got something big planned . ' Sonya said , ' I 'll tell you this - you know when you see a big old spider web , but you can 't see the spider … and it turns out it 's hiding in a corner where you can 't them and it 's always the biggest damn spider you ever saw . Well , that 's Varney . He 's the spider you can 't see . ' Several footsteps echoed down the corridor . The Governor 's officers stood outside Sonya 's cell . I couldn 't tell how many there were . Keys rattled and cell door opened . I didn 't know how long she was gone . They brought her back to the cell in silence . It was still so dark I could not make out whether her face was bruised and marked . ' Just be glad it wasn 't you , ' she said . ' I 've been here before . I knew what to expect . Let 's just hope they don 't come back . ' The Governor 's men came for me not long after it had gotten light . One man opened my cell and another waited behind him . I couldn 't tell if they were the same men from the night before . As I was marched out of my cell , I saw Sonya out of the corner of my eye . I wanted to say something to her , some goodbye , but I couldn 't find the words . Sonya said , ' Don 't make it easy for ' em , gal ' . She smiled slowly and sadly . With a man either side of me they led me along another corridor , not the one I had entered . I was taken to a large wooden staircase . It was difficult to climb with shackled feet . The room was a large office . At the other end were some very big windows and before them a large , heavy desk . Sitting at the desk was an older man in a blue uniform . He had thick white hair and white moustache . It was the Governor himself . I was so surprised I almost didn 't notice the other man . The other man was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to the Governor . He was much older than me but handsome in his way . His clothes were all immaculate and he held a cane with a sliver handle next to him . I looked about the room . ' Your men , ' I said , ' are pigs . They abused the woman in the cell next to me . I 'm told this is common practise . ' The officers pushed him against firmly and pulled me to my feet . They stepped back from me and Varney stood close . He turned to the Governor behind the desk and said , ' Don 't do this . ' The Governor shook his head . ' You forget , Varney - I am in charge of Seastone . I am the law and I am the justice . Take her away . ' Beatrice Seastone is wanted for the murder of Giles Corrigan , a crime she is trying to solve . She is taken in by the mysterious Lydia Pryce and young thief , Devon . Lydia Pryce offers Beatrice a way off the island , an offer she accepts , but Beatrice takes the last few hours she has to find out if there is a connection between Giles ' death and the mystery of the long - lost Arwen Blackgrace … Devon led us through the quiet streets . All the buildings we passed looked much the same . Grey and brown and white and black . It could be very easy to confuse one part of town with another . ' This Underwood , ' he said , ' is a professor . Or a doctor . Or something . His house is full of books , some of them are really old . You could nick a few and he 'd never know they were missing . But then again I wouldn 't know what would be worth stealing . ' ' Varney runs Seastone . Well , he certainly runs the bits that the Governor doesn 't run . Everything gets back to Varney . He 's probably enough of a rogue to have known the Blackgraces . ' Devon said . ' There 's a bounty on you . More than what Lydia 's paying me . ' He looked across at me . ' It 'd be much easier if I handed you over . ' Devon sighed . ' When you were a kid did you ever think that your parents weren 't your parents ? You know like , it was a mistake you belonged to some other family ? ' At the very top of the hill was a house that seemed like any other on the street . These houses were larger than those closer to the harbour and the port . We reached a black door and Devon used the doorknocker . The boy shut the door in Devon 's face . Devon stood up and brushed his knees . The door opened again . The boy appeared and said , ' He says no . ' We went in . The boy went down a dark hallway and we followed him to a dark room filled with books . Every part of the wall had a bookcase against it and every bookcase was filled . In the centre of the room was a table covered in paper . Across from it was a large red armchair with a tall back . Sitting in it was a pale man with a bald spot in the middle of his hair . He wore a red dressing gown ' You ? What are you doing here ? ' Underwood said this to Devon but he kept glancing across at me . He then stood up , ' If it 's money you 've after you can - ' Underwood stared at me . He then slowly pointed a finger at me , before retracting it and tapping it against his lips . He then turned his head and shouted , ' Boy ! ' Underwood stood up . ' Excuse me , ' he said as he rushed out of the room . A few minutes later and Underwood came back into the room . ' Sorry , ' he said rushing back to his armchair . ' Checking about the tea . We have no tea . Sorry . ' He sat down and without looking at me said , ' Blackgraces . What do you want to know ? ' It took me a second to realise he was finished . That was a lot to take in . I took a seat at the table and said , ' I want to know about Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' His wife and child had died during the cannon attack . Blackgrace was devastated , his wife and child were no more … and all because of his fury . It is said the family were killed when the Blackgrace cannon balls hit . ' ' Arwen Blackgrace was not found . William Blackgrace was certain that he should find her and it would prove that he had not been the one to kill his family . He searched for her , for years , finding those of Grayson 's crew that had deserted him … but he found no trace of his daughter . After years he gave up and Byron took control . Arwen Blackgrace was never found . ' Underwood opened the book and began going through the pages . He turned the book around and showed it too me . On the page was a drawing in pencil of a piece of jewellery . ' The Blackgrace locket , ' Underwood said . ' Made out of gold . You see the design , ' he pointed at the drawing , ' green and black gems in the design of a kraken , you see ? ' ' Ah , ' Underwood said , ' William Blackgrace had three commissioned - one for his wife when they were married , one for his son when he was born , and then one for the daughter . When Blackgrace found his wife and son they both had their lockets with them . The third one and Arwen Blackgrace were never found . ' Underwood stepped back . He looked very smug . ' You see , people tried to say they 'd found Arwen Blackgrace , but without that locket … he would never believe them . ' He sat back in the armchair , going through the pages . I hoped and hoped that he would look back up and say he 'd found something about Arwen 's scar . But he never did . He took more books from the shelves , but he could find nothing . I got through the doorway and felt a hand push into my back . It forced me forward and I tumbled over and landed on the floor . I lifted my head to see Devon burst through a door and sprint away . And now - the belated part three of Arwen Blackgrace , apologies for the delay . Beatrice Seastone is now on the run after murdering a man who twice unsuccessfully tried to kidnap her . Lost and alone , she is no closer to the truth of Giles Corrigan 's murder or the truth of her birth . . A young man sat down next to me . I hadn 't noticed him approach . He was wearing a red waistcoat and had black curly hair . He smiled at me . ' Hello , ' he said . In the early morning light I could see his pale face was full of freckles and he was grinning . ' My name 's Devon . What 's yours ? ' He took a step back . ' Look , Miss . Go Away , ' he said , ' I 'll give you it back , I just have to get you somewhere first . ' ' You shouldn 't , ' he said . He stuck his hands in his pockets . ' Didn 't you hear the bit about thief , vagabond and gentleman rogue ? ' The young man shook his head and sighed . ' Look , some rich lady said find this barmaid for me , and I said , " I could find you a dozen " , she said , " no , I want this one , so I can offer her a job in Pentia " , and I said , " well is she pretty " ? And she said , " shut up and have these coins " . ' I held my hand out . He smirked and handed the letter opener back . I held it close to me . There was still blood on it . There was still blood on me . At the top of the street was a hotel called The Hollow Crown . It was a tall wide building . It catered for rich travellers rather than ordinary sailors . We went inside . An older woman , the proprietor , I think , looked across at us , and Devon gave her a wave . He dashed up the stairs , taking two at a time . Devon held the door open for me . I nervously stepped inside . The room was twice as big as mine at the Hope and Anchor had been . In the corner was a large bed with a chest at its foot . On the other side were a table and chairs . And standing next to a window was a lady in a dress the colour of a dark red wine . She was older than me by many years but her face was very striking . She had long dark hair . Covering her neck was a delicate red scarf . ' Thank you , ' the lady said . She smiled at me , ' Please ' . She motioned to the table . I slowly walked towards it and sat down . Devon stood nearby . ' I was born here , ' she said . ' I 'd lived in the orphanage for fourteen years before I … sailed away . I now live in Pentia . I run an orphanage . ' Lydia continued , ' It 's a very different orphanage to Seastone . We care for the children , not just while they are with us , but afterwards . Being an orphan can … limit your choices . ' She smiled . But it was not a happy smile . ' I heard about what happened to you . What happened to … Giles Corrigan . ' Her fingers drummed on the table then they were still . ' With the death of … that man , I was worried your choices would be limited . I searched for you , until this … young man offered his services to find you . ' ' Beatrice , ' Lydia said . ' I very much want you to come and work for me . You can leave all this behind you . You 'll never have to see Seastone again , not if you don 't wish to . ' All times I had dreamed that I was on one of the ships leaving Seastone and sailing away … here was my chance . Lydia told me that she had booked passage on the ship , I wouldn 't have to worry about money . All that she asked is that I work at the orphanage she ran . ' To be born a Seastone is to be limited , ' she said . ' But with my children in Pentia , we strive to open the world for them , not close it . And who better to help than orphans … like us . ' The red scarf started to slip from around her neck and she quickly pulled it up . Underneath I could a glimpse of something . It looked like a birthmark , but I couldn 't be sure . Leaving Seastone had been all I had dreamed about for so long . Even if I worked in an orphanage for a year or more , I would still be away from Seastone . I would in Pentia . I 'd heard that Pentia was much warmer and sunnier than this island . But if I went would I ever find out about what happened to Giles ? He 'd taken me from the orphanage , given me a job , a place to live … and maybe a past . If I left now would I ever find out the truth about whether or not I was Arwen Blackgrace ? ' Don 't worry , ' I said to her with all the sincerity I could muster . ' I will be back . I want to leave this place . ' I shook my head . ' No . I 'm going back . I 'll take that ship . But there 's something I need to know first . Devon ? ' He looked over at me . He looked completely puzzled . ' I didn 't want to say this , but you know you 're wanted by the Governor 's men ? For murder . Widow Pryce was paying me extra to find you before they did . ' ' Then I just have to stay out of their way before the ship to Pentia this evening , ' I said . ' But I can 't go without find out about Arwen Blackgrace . I have to , Devon . ' He jumped up and said . ' We best get a move on then . ' He darted up the street suddenly . ' Come along , Go Away , ' he called . In Part One , a 17 year - old orphan and barmaid , Beatrice Seastone , is told she maybe the long - lost daughter of pirate William Blackgrace by her landlord , Giles Corrigan . He is subsequently murdered , and the Governor 's officers suspect Beatrice . While she grieves , mysterious men break into the pub , and she overhears them talk about kidnapping her … My only way out was to fight . At the very end of the room was a small fireplace and I dashed over to it . In the fireplace were a couple of logs . I grabbed the biggest one I could find . When I turned around the large bald man was in the doorway . He looked surprised as I thrust the log upwards and struck him in the nose . Blood trickled down his face and he stumbled backwards onto the landing . I ran around the large man to the stairs . I heard thunks as the log fell from my hands and raced down the stairs with me . The men were howling and moaning in pain and they were coming after me . There were a few people walking in the afternoon sun along the street . No one was interested in a girl with a torn dress running past them . But this was Seastone . It probably wasn 't an unusual sight for them . Children played in the street , dancing around the pile of horse muck . I was in the part of town at the bottom of the hill . I stuck to the quieter streets . I couldn 't help but jump whenever anybody walked past me . The men who had come for me had known about my scar , the same scar that Arwen Blackgrace had . The more I walked and the more I thought the more it seemed that Giles ' death had to be connected with the possibility I was the missing Arwen Blackgrace . Everybody thought I was living with Giles - was I the intended victim ? I found myself heading towards the place where Giles had lived . The house looked like all the others on the street , there was nothing to make it stick out … except for the broken door . That was new . It was broken from the outside . I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching and stepped inside . The bed sheet hadn 't been changed . It was covered in dried blood . I gasped . Giles must have been lying in bed , maybe asleep when he was shot . In the middle of the room was the partition . On the other side was where I had slept . Next to the partition , on Giles ' side was an open window . I picked up a little stool and dragged it over to the window . I stood on it to get a better look . The window was easy enough for somebody taller than me to reach up to and climb up . I leant out of the window and saw no footprints or boot marks on the ground . I got off the stool and stepped back . The murderer had come through the window . It would have been dark with only moonlight to go by . The murderer saw the partition and thought on one side was Giles , on the other was me . They took their chance and it was the wrong one . Mrs . Mulligan was a little old dear who spent her days looking after her cats and watching out of her window to see what everyone else was doing . She took me across the street to her house . She made me a meal while her cats clawed all over me . ' I heard it , all right . I was awake anyway , ' she groaned as she sat down at the table . ' I don 't sleep anymore I just sit out there and Winslow keeps me company . ' Once I had finished eating , I thanked Mrs . Mulligan for the meal and left . I went back to Giles ' house because it was the only place I had to go . I couldn 't go back to The Hope and Anchor . There was nowhere else for me to go . Giles ' had a place where he kept his letters along with a pretty silver letter opener . I could mostly read so I took out his letters and started looking through them . I searched for any mention of the Blackgrace 's . But there was nothing . The letters were about business . People wrote to arrange to meet Giles ' in various places , though some , surprisingly , in the southeast part of the port . That part of the port was vicious . There were more cathouses down there than on any part of the island . Everybody knew to avoid that part of the port . But in the most recent letter , somebody was arranging to meet Giles in The Tiger 's Head . I thought of the nights when The Hope and Anchor had closed and Giles had said he had to go and run some errands . He had been doing business in that part of town ? Inside a drawer Giles kept a small bag of coins . I had never stolen anything before . It made my stomach feel heavy doing it . I also took Giles ' silver letter opener and concealed it . The Tiger 's Head was nothing like The Hope and Anchor . It was louder and crammed with more bodies . The Tiger 's Head was dark because all the candles were so high up on the walls to prevent drunks from crashing into them and burning the place down . I sipped at the ale . It was watered down , but nobody else seemed to mind . I leaned against he bar and wondered what I could do next . A hand grabbed my arm . My arm was still bare after the arm of my dress had been torn off . I spun around to see a tall , wide , bald man . His nose looked disjointed and out of place . All I got was laughter and jeers . The bald man with a broken nose grabbed hold of me and pushed me into the crowd . I felt a man grope me and laugh in my ear . The people in the bar pushed me towards the door . They were trying to help the bald man . A tickle of blood ran down his throat and onto his chest . He coughed and blood dribbled from the centre of his mouth . The bald , bleeding man stepped forward and fell onto his knees . He tried to speak but nothing came out but blood . He put his hands around his throat like he was choking himself . Blood seeped through the gaps between his fingers . I 'd just killed a man . I dragged my feet . My feet began to shuffle . When they shuffled quickly enough I turned it into a run . Seastone was a port town on an island and it thrived on trading goods and sailors spending money ashore . The sailors and their captains and their cabin boys would come ashore and spend money in the taverns and cathouses before sailing to another part of the world . And we in Seastone would be left to count their money and be ready for the next lot to come ashore . A little way from the harbour was a small pub called The Hope and Anchor . I 'd been working there a few weeks , scrubbing the floors and serving the drinks . At nights The Hope and Anchor would be full and I 'd be weaving around the drunks to collect empty tankards . I made my way to the bar and put the empty tankards down . The landlord , Giles , gave me a sympathetic look . His eyes were very blue and he had a small white beard . He gently put his hand on my arm . I looked around the pub , at all of the drunks and the sailors . They had no idea who I was . If they knew then they would fall out of their chairs and go out of their way to treat me with respect . That made me smile . Last orders when taken and the old - timers shuffled out . As I snuffed out the candles , Giles took his keys from his belt to lock up . As he opened the door , I said , ' Giles , I wanted to ask you - ' He raised a hand . ' I 'm very tired , lass , ' he said . He gently smiled and said , ' Let 's talk about it in the morning . ' I went upstairs to the room where I lived . The room was small and it had a dresser , though I hadn 't much use for it as I only had a few clothes . Out of the window I had a view of the harbour and the sea . I sat on the bed and looked outside and listened to the sounds from the sea . After I left the orphanage and got the job at The Hope and Anchor I 'd had to share a room with Giles in his house . It was a smaller room than this , with only a partition across it to separate where Giles and I slept . People gossiped about the landlord taking home his barmaid every night , but it was never anything like that . Even though I had the room above The Hope and Anchor now , I still heard snide comments about living with Giles . I lay back on the bed and ignored sounds the drunken shouts of the sailors and the fake moaning of their women , and instead I focussed on the sea and the waves . I was told Giles Corrigan was a good man to work for . The girls who 'd worked for him had left Seastone to sail away to other parts of the world . There was so much I wanted to ask Giles . Every time I tried to question him it was always , ' We 'll talk tomorrow ' or ' Not now , lass . ' And when I did get him to talk about it , he never wanted to say much , just the same - ' You can 't tell anybody about this ' and ' You cannot tell a soul . If , God forbid , any of the Governor 's men should find out … The Governor hates the whole pack of Blackgraces , he 'd hang every last one if he had a chance , so if ever he found out about you , Beatrice … ' Giles shook his head and wouldn 't say anymore . My heart beat a little faster . I put the mop in the bucket and went over to the door . I took out the bolt and moved the latch . Standing outside were three of the Governor 's officers . All three dressed in identical midnight blue uniform with sabres hanging at their sides . The officer at the door had a blonde moustache . Meekly , I moved aside . Their boots echoed around the pub as they came inside . Two officers stood on either side of the pub and the third , with the moustache , sat down and took out a pipe . I winced . Seastone was the surname given to any orphan on the island . It wasn 't uncommon . The sailors sometimes left the whores with more than their coin . ' There was a break - in . Somebody came into Corrigan 's room and shot him in the head . ' A puff of smoke came from the Lieutenant 's pipe . He took it from his mouth and said , ' We were under the belief you lived with Giles Corrigan . So , where were you last night ? ' The Lieutenant looked at me and said nothing . The pipe smoke danced around his face . He took the pipe from his mouth to his hands . ' Violent murder is something the Governor does not tolerate . ' He got to his feet . ' If this is unsolved by the end of the day , the Governor himself may take a personal interest in the affairs of Giles Corrigan the landlord . The Governor does not tolerate murderers running free on his island . ' He beckoned to the other officers and led them to the door . As he stood in the doorway , he turned to say , ' I would stay put . We may have need of you in the future . ' ' The Blackgrace 's have always been the most revered pirates . William Blackgrace was the Captain , with his brother Byron was his second - in - command . William had a wife and two babies - a girl and a boy . While Captain Blackgrace was at sea , rivals kidnapped his wife and the children and held them hostage . The Captain was wild with rage . He and his brother Byron raised a fleet and stormed the island where his family were held . The rivals were slaughtered , but when William Blackgrace found his family his wife and son were dead . ' His infant daughter , Arwen Blackgrace , was never found . William Blackgrace was convinced his daughter was alive and taken somewhere , maybe to be ransomed again . He searched for years . ' ' The baby was never found . Nobody knows what happened to her . This was … nearly twenty years ago , ' Giles said . ' She was looked for , a girl with red hair and blue eyes . And … ' he said , ' and a scar . A long scar on her left shoulder . ' I was an orphan , abandoned as a baby , never known who my parents were . I was seventeen . My hair was red . My eyes were blue . For as long as I could remember there had been a scar on my left shoulder . I had no idea how I got it . ' You mustn 't say anything about this , Beatrice . ' His watery blue eyes stared hard at me . ' You cannot tell a soul . We 'd both be in danger if anybody knew . ' All my life I had felt like I had never fitted it . Not at the orphanage as a child , not as an older girl , looking after the new orphans . Not even here , at The Hope and Anchor , had I felt like I belonged . I had always felt there had to be somewhere else for me . Somewhere I really , truly , belonged . He may have been the only one who knew if I really was Arwen Blackgrace . For a moment , I thought what if he was killed because of me ? Everyone thought I was living with him ? The Blackgraces were feared - I got off the floor and rushed to the front door . I quickly put the latch on and bolted the door . I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of . My mind was full of thoughts I couldn 't fully grasp . From the window in the room I live in , I watched the ships make their way from the port and towards the horizon . I wished I could disappear into the horizon like that . They were making their way around the bar and towards the stairs . I crept back into my room , heart pounding . They might have been Giles ' murderers . Their being here and Giles ' death could not be a coincidence . I normally write ' drama ' fiction , but this is something very different . If I had to give it a genre I would say it 's pirate - noir . Arwen Blackgrace is a murder - mystery thriller with a few pirates thrown in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The carriage drove slowly through the streets . The sounds of screams and shouts came from the harbour . Though my hands were tied and bound , I reached them up to push the curtain of the carriage window aside . There was a fire in the harbour . The captain of The Black Prince was Byron Blackgrace , my uncle . They 'd come for me . But I was kidnapped and being taken to a man who was probably going to kill me . I reached for the handle of the carriage door , but a fist stuck me in my face . The ropes cut into my wrist , stinging and painful . It almost made me laugh at how hands bound together looked like praying . My only prays were that my family found me before Varney killed me . The one who 'd left , a stout man with sandy hair , came back . ' Governor 's boys , ' he said , ' blocking up the road . There 's no way round . ' I felt the grip on my waist tighten . He said , ' We walk . Governor 's men aren 't going to care one lick about us , not if they 've got pirates to deal with . ' A small argument broke out , but it was soon decided they would march me to Varney 's . I was dragged outside . At the end of the street I could see some of the Governor 's men blocking it off . They were all armed with rifles and swords . More marched down that street . I was dragged away from the sight . Other people stood in the streets watching . No one paid attention to the bound and gagged girl being marched along . Some people were staying in their homes and locking their doors and windows , but peeping outside . Other people came into the streets to see what was going on in the harbour , maybe to catch a glimpse of The Black Prince . I was marched to the very top of the hill , where the bigger and larger houses were . It was almost impressive that Varney owned two houses like this . They took me inside . There were only two small candles lit to illuminate the hallway . There were bookshelves filled with red and black ledgers . At other end was an armchair with a very high back . Sitting in it was Varney . He looked like he was dressed for the opera . He had his cane next to him . He pulled the handle top of it up and it revealed a sword concealed within . He dropped it back down and picked it up and dropped down it again . Varney scarcely looked at me when I came in . He was a terrible host . ' Leave us , ' Varney said . The young man left us alone in the room . Varney made no motion other than to play with his cane . He looked entirely despondent . He sneered at me . He turned to face me and the lamp by his side shone on half of his face . ' Having the Blackgraces here means only destruction and death . ' ' I was there , ' he said . ' All those years ago , when Grayson kidnapped William Blackgrace 's family . I was part of the gang . ' He said , ' I saw the sheer destruction , the death and the violence the Blackgraces caused and I swore … there was a better way of doing things , without violence without … ' He shook his head . ' I deal in trinkets that pass through this island and one day what did I find but the Blackgrace locket that belonged to infant Arwen . Of course , the merchant had no idea what he had hold of , few people do . So I purchased it from him and came up with a plan . ' He laughed , ' Giles told you Arwen had a scar because you had a scar ! ' He stood up , gripping his cane in his hand . ' We were so lucky to find you because you were so willing to be convinced that you were Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' No . ' He was very close to me . ' I was going to kill you and try to find another orphan in time . It wouldn 't be hard . This is Seastone - the isle of the orphans . You , Beatrice Seastone , are not the daughter of a pirate captain , you are a damned orphan , and you are absolutely nothing special . ' I launched myself at him , striking him with my bound hands . Varney was caught off guard and I knocked him to the floor . My hands went around his throat and squeezed . The cane struck me on the side of my face and it knocked me to my side . I heard metal on wood as he drew the sword from his cane . I rolled again and saw a flash of metal as the sword stabbed into the spot where I had been . I kicked at Varney and he yelped , letting go of the sword . I quickly got to my feet and put my hands around the hilt of the sword . Varney ran at me . I tugged the sword out and flicked it up . It caught Varney across the stomach . Blood gurgled out of his mouth . He dropped to the floor , the sword sticking out of his chest . A breath rattled out of him and then nothing . I breathed heavily . I could hear loud noises from outside . No doubt Varney 's men were rushing in to kill me . I didn 't care . I 'd been lied to , set - up . I was just some orphan with no past that 'd been tricked to make money . The door opened and a man I didn 't recognise stood looking at me . He was tall and had long , iron - grey hair . He wore all black , even had a flowing black cape . The man 's face was so stern and still it looked like it had been chiselled out of stone . He stepped into the room , not taking his eyes from me . Behind him were people who were not Varney 's men . One of them was a young man with dark - skin who actually smiled at me . I stood up to face the unsmiling man , ready to face whatever fate had in store for me . With a black - gloved hand he quickly reached out and took hold of my chin . He tilted my head up and moved it to the left and then right . It was Byron Blackgrace , captain of The Black Prince . He let go of my head and looked about the room . He nodded and the smiling man came over to me . Again he gave me a cheerful look . He took out his sword . The smiling man tittered and said , ' Believe it or not , but this is the most impressed I 've ever seen him . You 've done a good job here . You really are one of us . ' I looked at him . His gaze didn 't waver . Everybody in the room , the pirates with their swords drawn were looking at me , waiting to hear what I was going to say . I had Devon find me some paper and something to write with . I wrote down the location of Varney 's other house . Once I had finished , Devon took it away . When he came back in the next morning he just said , ' It 's done . ' We were sat around their little table . Devon 's father wouldn 't make eye contact with me . He just wiped his big hands on his scruffy green jacket . ' There 's nothing to be sorry for , Go Away , ' he said . We stood next to each other , leaning against the back wall of the butchers . ' You 'll be gone soon , I heard that The Black Prince has been spotted . ' Later in the afternoon , Devon came down the alleyway . He carried something covered over in a dirty old cloth . His face was pale . I saw him through the window and raced downstairs to greet him . It had been so long since I had been aboard in Seastone at night , I had forgotten about the sights and sounds . But I didn 't miss them . And I wouldn 't miss them when I left . I was a Blackgrace and belonged with them , my family . My life in Seastone had been pretending , a fantasy . And soon , so soon I would be with them . There were only two gates in wall around the jail . We waited by the small gate at the back of the jail . Nobody came in or out . After hours I passed I said to Devon , ' There 's only one thing for it . We 're going to have to knock . ' I banged my fist on the gate . There was a small hatch in door . A lock clicked and the hatch opened . There was an Officer looked out at us . ' Let me give you something for your trouble , ' I said to him , making it look as if I were seeing how much money I had . Instead I pulled out a club Devon had procured for me . I hit the old Officer on the head and he collapsed to the floor . I had rope on me , which I used to tie his hand and legs together . Once we 'd done that , we made our way across to the jail . There was a row of barred windows . A few weeks ago , one of them had been my cell . Devon gave me the barrel of gunpowder and I pulled the top off . I poured out the black powder along the wall just away from where the cells were . Whether or not Varney 's men escaped didn 't matter . It just had to look like an escape attempt , even if it were one that hadn 't worked . ' Run , run , run ' Devon said and took my arm . And we ran back to the gate . We got it open and heard the explosion behind us . In the pubs and the inns and the taverns , everybody was talking about what had happened at the jail . Nobody had ever defied the Governor like that . Devon said to me , ' The way people are talking makes it sound like we 're in the middle of a war . Varney 's claiming he 's got nothing to do with it , it was somebody else . There 's a price on your head , Go Away . ' ' Breaking apart Varney 's businesses . There 's been raids , lots of Officers killed , Varney 's men too . It 's not safe to be out at night anymore . Seastone 's tearing itself apart . ' It was cold in the alley behind the butcher 's shop . Devon shivered and hopped on the spot . ' And I bumped into Lydia Pryce , ' he said . ' she wants to see you . ' ' Beatrice … ' Lydia said and she came over to me . Some moonlight shone with the window . She stood in the patch of it . She wore that old red dress with the red scarf around her neck . Lydia continued , ' But that 's what he did , taken orphans under the pretence of … helping them . But he sold them , Beatrice . And he had not right to do that . ' ' He sold me to a ship , for the men to use , ' she spat . ' Look what they did to me . ' She took the scarf from her neck . I saw rope burns and scars . ' They tortured me for … their pleasure . I was just something to be sold . ' She put her hands on my arm , ' Don 't you see , Beatrice , I 'm offering you a chance you 'd never get … ' ' Of course he was . He was going to sell you , like an item , ' she gripped my arm tighter . ' He couldn 't be allowed to do that . ' In the darkness the men seemed like shadows . Lydia was hurled out of the way and two of them grabbed at me . I kicked and fought and called Devon 's name . ' Shut up , ' said a voice . I only caught a glimpse of him taking out a sword and slashing at Lydia . Her body fell to the floor . My mouth was gagged . They tied my hands together . They pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the house . There was a carriage waiting for me . A man pushed me at the carriage and I hit the side . The slates were rough against my hands . But it wouldn 't be as bad as what would happen to me if I stayed behind . I wasn 't going to be anybody 's prisoner . I was halfway up the wall when I heard shouting from the house . I had to hurry . I reached my hands out , not worrying about getting a safe holding . A hand grabbed my foot and I squealed . I kicked out but the hand held firm . I began to pull despite the hand trying to drag me back . I lashed out with my leg and managed to crush his hand into the wall . He yelped in pain and released his grip . Taking the chance I pulled myself up and was on the top of the wall . My right side hit the ground and the pain went through me . But I had no time for pain . I pulled myself up and ran . Footsteps padded behind me . I was in the Seastone market . It was packed with people , so I could blend into the crowd . But I had to avoid the Governor 's men . One stall had a selection of shawls for sale . I borrowed a dark red one . I promised to myself I would return it eventually . I put the shawl over me to cover my hair and give to chance to hide my face if the Governor 's men got too close . Carefully I made my way through the market and into another part of the town . I avoided the main street and the busier streets and kept my head down . At the top of the street was The Hollow Crown . I took a look around me to see if there were any Governor 's men about . Seeing there were none I quickly made my way to the inn and went inside . She shut the door behind us . Lydia dashed from me and over to the window , holding on to that scarf that was around her neck . ' Officers have been watching me since you escaped … ' She turned away and paced the room . I apologised again but she didn 't seem to hear . ' But you were supposed to help and make things right … ' I lit a candle so I could see where I was . I was in the kitchen . Which is just what I waited . I soon found what I needed - a cutting knife . I blew out the candle and let my eyes become accustomed to the dark . I found the stairs and went all the way up . I found the door at the top that led into the bedroom . I slowly pushed it open . There were no curtains . Some moonlight came through the window . Lying in the bed was Underwood . I crept over , holding the knife out . I stood next to him , and then put the knife against his sensitive areas . I tapped the tip of the knife against his thigh . ' No so loud , ' I smiled . I told him what message I wanted sent . Arwen Blackgrace had been found and was in danger . She was at Seastone . ' Can you tell him that ? ' ' If you don 't sent the message I will know and I will find you . There 's going to be trouble coming . Make sure you 're on the right side . ' Early in the morning the butcher 's shop opened . The butcher stepped outside , wearing the same apron I had seen him wearing last time . It was covered in spots of dirt and blood . I approached him . The large butcher shrugged and invited me inside . I went thought the shop and lead up upstairs to where the family lived . There were five or six other children in the room . Mattresses and rags lay on the floor . Devon 's mother was sitting in a rocking chair by the window . She had the same dark curly hair as Devon . ' Well … if you 're friends with Devon … ' She found little jobs for me to do , sewing and mending , or looking after the children . It felt like been back at the orphanage . Devon stood in the doorway , smirking at me . Before I could speak to him , his mother had him and told him how worried they 'd been . He took out a small purse of coins and handed it to her . His mother looked down at it in wonder then back at Devon . ' And who did you steal this from ? ' ' Oh , I know , ' he grinned . ' So you want me to hide you out until your family comes to get you . Putting not just me at risk , but my beloved family too . ' ' We 're going to turn the Governor and Varney against each other . Their truce is failing , we 're going to break it . They 're going to destroy each other . And while they 're doing it I 'm going to sail away in peace . I waited for guards to take me to the gallows . I couldn 't keep still . I paced , or paced as well as I could in such a tiny cell . In my head , over and over , I could hear Varney whispering , calling me Arwen Blackgrace . This man who controlled Seastone had called me Arwen Blackgrace . And he had told me not to lose hope . I clung as tightly to that as a drowning sailor to a piece of his ship . The men came to my cell late at the night . Without speaking a word they unlocked the cell door . Keys jangled against one officer 's belt as he stepped into my cell . I was gently led out of my cell and into the corridor . At the very end a lamp was burning . The light flicked and illuminated a table when two of the Governor 's finest lay with their heads across the table . This was the big escape . No shots were fired , no voices were raised . Some guards were drugged , others had accepted bribes and even held doors open for me . Outside the jail was a horse and carriage . The door of it was held open for me . I climbed in and one of the men followed and sat alongside me . Thick black curtains covered the windows of the carriage so I couldn 't see outside . The carriage came to a stop . The man opened the door and stepped out . He offered a hand to help me out . I got out of the carriage slowly so I could take a good look at where I was . The house I was standing outside was towards the middle of Seastone , at the top of the hill in the district for the rich and more corrupt islanders . The man led me up to a house with a high walled garden . He opened the gate . We went through the garden and up a path to the back of the house . A door opened and I was shown inside . A few candles flickered , offering a little light . The ceilings in this house were so high , much taller than I was . It made me feel like I was in a child 's dollhouse . Varney was waiting for me in a study . He stood up and said , ' Hello . I trust you made it safely ? ' He spoke as if he were expecting for me tea and cakes . Varney picked up his silver - handled cane and rested it upon his lap . ' The Governor and I have an understanding . I 'm afraid that he has forgotten his understanding of our understanding , if you follow . ' He laughed and showed white teeth . He said , ' The Governor , like myself , abhors violence . Violence is for the unimaginative . The Governor lets me do what I do as long as I steer clear of violent means and occasionally turn in the more violent element in Seastone to him . ' There was something very casual about Varney . He spoke to me like we were making small talk before a dance . I could not imagine people being afraid of this slim man . ' When I was a younger man , ' he said , his face growing serious , ' I saw … a very horrific act of butchery . Men , women , children , all killed . ' Varney leaned back in his chair and rested a hand on his cheek . ' I swore from that day that I would not indulge in violence . There had to be a better way of doing things . ' ' I … well … I 'm an orphan , so I never … it could … ' Maybe it was the wine but I said , ' Yes . I feel like I am . ' ' I found it . Or found a man who had no idea what he had and I had a man purchase it from him . And I knew it meant Arwen Blackgrace was somewhere on this island . ' ' I sent it back to your family with the promise that I 'd deliver you . ' He pointed at me as he said this . ' Of course it 's so I can take a fee for looking after you , just so you know and aren 't disillusioned . ' Varney smiled and reached forward to take my hand . He said , ' I am going to organise a ship to get to the Blackgrace 's island . The Blackgraces have a habit of firing cannons on any ship that gets too close to them , so I need time to send further word to them and arrange our safe journey . Until then you 'll stay here . ' ' It would say it 's my pleasure , but I 'll have to deal with our Governor tomorrow and that will be as far from a pleasure as a man can get . ' He took my hand and kissed it . ' Goodnight , Miss . Blackgrace . ' He left the room through a small door and took his silver handled cane with him . Anders led me up a staircase to a room at the top of the house . He carried a candle to light our way . He held the bedroom door open for me . I went inside the room . There was a candle on the sill , lighting the room . Within a moment I liked it a lot more than my cell . Part of me , maybe the Beatrice part of me , told me it 'd been locked for a good reason , probably my own safety . But hearing the key been turned and the door being locked got my back up . I didn 't like feeling like I 'd just exchanged one cell for another more comfortable one . In the morning the door was unlocked and Anders took me down to breakfast . As we went down the stairs I said , ' Why was my door locked ? Worried about me getting away ? ' At the breakfast table , I kept glancing around , trying to get an idea of the layout of the house . I listened for footsteps and movement and noise as I ate . There was at least two other people in the house . I told him that would do fine . He shuffled awkwardly next to me as he left the house and went to the garden . Anders seemed petrified by me . I wondered if it was because I was a Blackgrace or because I was a girl . The garden of the house was large , and surrounded by a wall made out of slate and rocks . The walls were high , maybe three times the size of me . We walked all the way around . There was only one exit - the gate I came through the other night . I went up to it but there was a lock across it . That day back in The Hope and Anchor , two men had tried to grab me . One was dead , the other was walking right past me . He was a short squat man . Markus and the big bald man had tried to kidnap me and take me away . And he was working for Varney . They had known that I was Arwen Blackgrace . It suddenly became clear . Varney was making the Blackgrace 's pay to have me back . He 'd had Giles find me . He 'd killed Giles and tried to kidnap me so could have all the money to himself . His cheeks flushed red and he hurried away . As soon as he was back inside the house I took a good look at the wall around the garden . It was tall . But the only way out was to climb it . My cell was not much bigger than I was . If I lay down on the floor and stretched out I would be able to touch the walls with my hands and touch the bars with my toes . The back wall had a small window with three bars across it . Outside I could see the sea . The back wall was the only solid wall of the cell . The other sides were bars connected to other cells on the left and right . There was nothing else inside the cell except something that might have been a chamber pot . ' A Lydia Pryce was here earlier . She says she was with you these few days so you couldn 't have murdered those men . Since you never mentioned her she must be lying . ' In the dark I kept seeing the Blackgrace locket in my mind . Arwen Blackgrace had one . That would have been proof she had been found . I 'd never seen that locket in my life . Maybe it had been stolen when I was a baby ? But then , there was nothing about Arwen Blackgrace having a scar on her shoulder . I had a scar but it meant nothing . ' Sonya . ' I couldn 't tell whether she old or young but her voice sounded weary . ' They put me in here , ' she said , ' because a man tried to rob me . ' ' No , they arrested me because I tried to cut his cock off with his razor . ' She sighed , ' He was the one robbing me . Bloody sailors . We had an agreed price , he has his way with me , then says I overcharged him . He tried to take my money , so I tried to cut his cock off with his razor and he called officers . What are you here for ? ' ' Oh . I 'm sorry for you , gal . If it were my last day even I wouldn 't want to spend it with me . But it looks like we 're stuck with each other . I don 't sleep much at night . Too used to working through it . Can 't sleep unless the sun 's up . Bloody vampire , me . ' ' Me ? ' I said what I felt , ' I 'm no one . Just an orphan . Come from nowhere , going to nowhere . Nothing done in between . ' I nodded , but realised she wouldn 't be able to see that in the dark so I answered , ' Yes . I wish I wasn 't a Seastone . Maybe a Blackgrace instead . That 's a name that means something , means you belong to something - ' ' A name doesn 't mean anything until you do something . It 's what you do that makes it mean something . Like Varney . It 's not his name that means anything , but everything Varney 's done to make you go " oh shit , it 's Varney " . ' ' No joke , love , ' Sonya said , ' he 's real . Fella I 'd do the old business with works for him , talked about him too . ' Sonya scooted a little closer to the bars between us and said in a quieter voice , ' Apparently Varney 's got something big planned . ' Sonya said , ' I 'll tell you this - you know when you see a big old spider web , but you can 't see the spider … and it turns out it 's hiding in a corner where you can 't them and it 's always the biggest damn spider you ever saw . Well , that 's Varney . He 's the spider you can 't see . ' Several footsteps echoed down the corridor . The Governor 's officers stood outside Sonya 's cell . I couldn 't tell how many there were . Keys rattled and cell door opened . I didn 't know how long she was gone . They brought her back to the cell in silence . It was still so dark I could not make out whether her face was bruised and marked . ' Just be glad it wasn 't you , ' she said . ' I 've been here before . I knew what to expect . Let 's just hope they don 't come back . ' The Governor 's men came for me not long after it had gotten light . One man opened my cell and another waited behind him . I couldn 't tell if they were the same men from the night before . As I was marched out of my cell , I saw Sonya out of the corner of my eye . I wanted to say something to her , some goodbye , but I couldn 't find the words . Sonya said , ' Don 't make it easy for ' em , gal ' . She smiled slowly and sadly . With a man either side of me they led me along another corridor , not the one I had entered . I was taken to a large wooden staircase . It was difficult to climb with shackled feet . The room was a large office . At the other end were some very big windows and before them a large , heavy desk . Sitting at the desk was an older man in a blue uniform . He had thick white hair and white moustache . It was the Governor himself . I was so surprised I almost didn 't notice the other man . The other man was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to the Governor . He was much older than me but handsome in his way . His clothes were all immaculate and he held a cane with a sliver handle next to him . I looked about the room . ' Your men , ' I said , ' are pigs . They abused the woman in the cell next to me . I 'm told this is common practise . ' The officers pushed him against firmly and pulled me to my feet . They stepped back from me and Varney stood close . He turned to the Governor behind the desk and said , ' Don 't do this . ' The Governor shook his head . ' You forget , Varney - I am in charge of Seastone . I am the law and I am the justice . Take her away . ' Beatrice Seastone is wanted for the murder of Giles Corrigan , a crime she is trying to solve . She is taken in by the mysterious Lydia Pryce and young thief , Devon . Lydia Pryce offers Beatrice a way off the island , an offer she accepts , but Beatrice takes the last few hours she has to find out if there is a connection between Giles ' death and the mystery of the long - lost Arwen Blackgrace … Devon led us through the quiet streets . All the buildings we passed looked much the same . Grey and brown and white and black . It could be very easy to confuse one part of town with another . ' This Underwood , ' he said , ' is a professor . Or a doctor . Or something . His house is full of books , some of them are really old . You could nick a few and he 'd never know they were missing . But then again I wouldn 't know what would be worth stealing . ' ' Varney runs Seastone . Well , he certainly runs the bits that the Governor doesn 't run . Everything gets back to Varney . He 's probably enough of a rogue to have known the Blackgraces . ' Devon said . ' There 's a bounty on you . More than what Lydia 's paying me . ' He looked across at me . ' It 'd be much easier if I handed you over . ' Devon sighed . ' When you were a kid did you ever think that your parents weren 't your parents ? You know like , it was a mistake you belonged to some other family ? ' At the very top of the hill was a house that seemed like any other on the street . These houses were larger than those closer to the harbour and the port . We reached a black door and Devon used the doorknocker . The boy shut the door in Devon 's face . Devon stood up and brushed his knees . The door opened again . The boy appeared and said , ' He says no . ' We went in . The boy went down a dark hallway and we followed him to a dark room filled with books . Every part of the wall had a bookcase against it and every bookcase was filled . In the centre of the room was a table covered in paper . Across from it was a large red armchair with a tall back . Sitting in it was a pale man with a bald spot in the middle of his hair . He wore a red dressing gown ' You ? What are you doing here ? ' Underwood said this to Devon but he kept glancing across at me . He then stood up , ' If it 's money you 've after you can - ' Underwood stared at me . He then slowly pointed a finger at me , before retracting it and tapping it against his lips . He then turned his head and shouted , ' Boy ! ' Underwood stood up . ' Excuse me , ' he said as he rushed out of the room . A few minutes later and Underwood came back into the room . ' Sorry , ' he said rushing back to his armchair . ' Checking about the tea . We have no tea . Sorry . ' He sat down and without looking at me said , ' Blackgraces . What do you want to know ? ' It took me a second to realise he was finished . That was a lot to take in . I took a seat at the table and said , ' I want to know about Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' His wife and child had died during the cannon attack . Blackgrace was devastated , his wife and child were no more … and all because of his fury . It is said the family were killed when the Blackgrace cannon balls hit . ' ' Arwen Blackgrace was not found . William Blackgrace was certain that he should find her and it would prove that he had not been the one to kill his family . He searched for her , for years , finding those of Grayson 's crew that had deserted him … but he found no trace of his daughter . After years he gave up and Byron took control . Arwen Blackgrace was never found . ' Underwood opened the book and began going through the pages . He turned the book around and showed it too me . On the page was a drawing in pencil of a piece of jewellery . ' The Blackgrace locket , ' Underwood said . ' Made out of gold . You see the design , ' he pointed at the drawing , ' green and black gems in the design of a kraken , you see ? ' ' Ah , ' Underwood said , ' William Blackgrace had three commissioned - one for his wife when they were married , one for his son when he was born , and then one for the daughter . When Blackgrace found his wife and son they both had their lockets with them . The third one and Arwen Blackgrace were never found . ' Underwood stepped back . He looked very smug . ' You see , people tried to say they 'd found Arwen Blackgrace , but without that locket … he would never believe them . ' He sat back in the armchair , going through the pages . I hoped and hoped that he would look back up and say he 'd found something about Arwen 's scar . But he never did . He took more books from the shelves , but he could find nothing . I got through the doorway and felt a hand push into my back . It forced me forward and I tumbled over and landed on the floor . I lifted my head to see Devon burst through a door and sprint away . And now - the belated part three of Arwen Blackgrace , apologies for the delay . Beatrice Seastone is now on the run after murdering a man who twice unsuccessfully tried to kidnap her . Lost and alone , she is no closer to the truth of Giles Corrigan 's murder or the truth of her birth . . A young man sat down next to me . I hadn 't noticed him approach . He was wearing a red waistcoat and had black curly hair . He smiled at me . ' Hello , ' he said . In the early morning light I could see his pale face was full of freckles and he was grinning . ' My name 's Devon . What 's yours ? ' He took a step back . ' Look , Miss . Go Away , ' he said , ' I 'll give you it back , I just have to get you somewhere first . ' ' You shouldn 't , ' he said . He stuck his hands in his pockets . ' Didn 't you hear the bit about thief , vagabond and gentleman rogue ? ' The young man shook his head and sighed . ' Look , some rich lady said find this barmaid for me , and I said , " I could find you a dozen " , she said , " no , I want this one , so I can offer her a job in Pentia " , and I said , " well is she pretty " ? And she said , " shut up and have these coins " . ' I held my hand out . He smirked and handed the letter opener back . I held it close to me . There was still blood on it . There was still blood on me . At the top of the street was a hotel called The Hollow Crown . It was a tall wide building . It catered for rich travellers rather than ordinary sailors . We went inside . An older woman , the proprietor , I think , looked across at us , and Devon gave her a wave . He dashed up the stairs , taking two at a time . Devon held the door open for me . I nervously stepped inside . The room was twice as big as mine at the Hope and Anchor had been . In the corner was a large bed with a chest at its foot . On the other side were a table and chairs . And standing next to a window was a lady in a dress the colour of a dark red wine . She was older than me by many years but her face was very striking . She had long dark hair . Covering her neck was a delicate red scarf . ' Thank you , ' the lady said . She smiled at me , ' Please ' . She motioned to the table . I slowly walked towards it and sat down . Devon stood nearby . ' I was born here , ' she said . ' I 'd lived in the orphanage for fourteen years before I … sailed away . I now live in Pentia . I run an orphanage . ' Lydia continued , ' It 's a very different orphanage to Seastone . We care for the children , not just while they are with us , but afterwards . Being an orphan can … limit your choices . ' She smiled . But it was not a happy smile . ' I heard about what happened to you . What happened to … Giles Corrigan . ' Her fingers drummed on the table then they were still . ' With the death of … that man , I was worried your choices would be limited . I searched for you , until this … young man offered his services to find you . ' ' Beatrice , ' Lydia said . ' I very much want you to come and work for me . You can leave all this behind you . You 'll never have to see Seastone again , not if you don 't wish to . ' All times I had dreamed that I was on one of the ships leaving Seastone and sailing away … here was my chance . Lydia told me that she had booked passage on the ship , I wouldn 't have to worry about money . All that she asked is that I work at the orphanage she ran . ' To be born a Seastone is to be limited , ' she said . ' But with my children in Pentia , we strive to open the world for them , not close it . And who better to help than orphans … like us . ' The red scarf started to slip from around her neck and she quickly pulled it up . Underneath I could a glimpse of something . It looked like a birthmark , but I couldn 't be sure . Leaving Seastone had been all I had dreamed about for so long . Even if I worked in an orphanage for a year or more , I would still be away from Seastone . I would in Pentia . I 'd heard that Pentia was much warmer and sunnier than this island . But if I went would I ever find out about what happened to Giles ? He 'd taken me from the orphanage , given me a job , a place to live … and maybe a past . If I left now would I ever find out the truth about whether or not I was Arwen Blackgrace ? ' Don 't worry , ' I said to her with all the sincerity I could muster . ' I will be back . I want to leave this place . ' I shook my head . ' No . I 'm going back . I 'll take that ship . But there 's something I need to know first . Devon ? ' He looked over at me . He looked completely puzzled . ' I didn 't want to say this , but you know you 're wanted by the Governor 's men ? For murder . Widow Pryce was paying me extra to find you before they did . ' ' Then I just have to stay out of their way before the ship to Pentia this evening , ' I said . ' But I can 't go without find out about Arwen Blackgrace . I have to , Devon . ' He jumped up and said . ' We best get a move on then . ' He darted up the street suddenly . ' Come along , Go Away , ' he called . In Part One , a 17 year - old orphan and barmaid , Beatrice Seastone , is told she maybe the long - lost daughter of pirate William Blackgrace by her landlord , Giles Corrigan . He is subsequently murdered , and the Governor 's officers suspect Beatrice . While she grieves , mysterious men break into the pub , and she overhears them talk about kidnapping her … My only way out was to fight . At the very end of the room was a small fireplace and I dashed over to it . In the fireplace were a couple of logs . I grabbed the biggest one I could find . When I turned around the large bald man was in the doorway . He looked surprised as I thrust the log upwards and struck him in the nose . Blood trickled down his face and he stumbled backwards onto the landing . I ran around the large man to the stairs . I heard thunks as the log fell from my hands and raced down the stairs with me . The men were howling and moaning in pain and they were coming after me . There were a few people walking in the afternoon sun along the street . No one was interested in a girl with a torn dress running past them . But this was Seastone . It probably wasn 't an unusual sight for them . Children played in the street , dancing around the pile of horse muck . I was in the part of town at the bottom of the hill . I stuck to the quieter streets . I couldn 't help but jump whenever anybody walked past me . The men who had come for me had known about my scar , the same scar that Arwen Blackgrace had . The more I walked and the more I thought the more it seemed that Giles ' death had to be connected with the possibility I was the missing Arwen Blackgrace . Everybody thought I was living with Giles - was I the intended victim ? I found myself heading towards the place where Giles had lived . The house looked like all the others on the street , there was nothing to make it stick out … except for the broken door . That was new . It was broken from the outside . I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching and stepped inside . The bed sheet hadn 't been changed . It was covered in dried blood . I gasped . Giles must have been lying in bed , maybe asleep when he was shot . In the middle of the room was the partition . On the other side was where I had slept . Next to the partition , on Giles ' side was an open window . I picked up a little stool and dragged it over to the window . I stood on it to get a better look . The window was easy enough for somebody taller than me to reach up to and climb up . I leant out of the window and saw no footprints or boot marks on the ground . I got off the stool and stepped back . The murderer had come through the window . It would have been dark with only moonlight to go by . The murderer saw the partition and thought on one side was Giles , on the other was me . They took their chance and it was the wrong one . Mrs . Mulligan was a little old dear who spent her days looking after her cats and watching out of her window to see what everyone else was doing . She took me across the street to her house . She made me a meal while her cats clawed all over me . ' I heard it , all right . I was awake anyway , ' she groaned as she sat down at the table . ' I don 't sleep anymore I just sit out there and Winslow keeps me company . ' Once I had finished eating , I thanked Mrs . Mulligan for the meal and left . I went back to Giles ' house because it was the only place I had to go . I couldn 't go back to The Hope and Anchor . There was nowhere else for me to go . Giles ' had a place where he kept his letters along with a pretty silver letter opener . I could mostly read so I took out his letters and started looking through them . I searched for any mention of the Blackgrace 's . But there was nothing . The letters were about business . People wrote to arrange to meet Giles ' in various places , though some , surprisingly , in the southeast part of the port . That part of the port was vicious . There were more cathouses down there than on any part of the island . Everybody knew to avoid that part of the port . But in the most recent letter , somebody was arranging to meet Giles in The Tiger 's Head . I thought of the nights when The Hope and Anchor had closed and Giles had said he had to go and run some errands . He had been doing business in that part of town ? Inside a drawer Giles kept a small bag of coins . I had never stolen anything before . It made my stomach feel heavy doing it . I also took Giles ' silver letter opener and concealed it . The Tiger 's Head was nothing like The Hope and Anchor . It was louder and crammed with more bodies . The Tiger 's Head was dark because all the candles were so high up on the walls to prevent drunks from crashing into them and burning the place down . I sipped at the ale . It was watered down , but nobody else seemed to mind . I leaned against he bar and wondered what I could do next . A hand grabbed my arm . My arm was still bare after the arm of my dress had been torn off . I spun around to see a tall , wide , bald man . His nose looked disjointed and out of place . All I got was laughter and jeers . The bald man with a broken nose grabbed hold of me and pushed me into the crowd . I felt a man grope me and laugh in my ear . The people in the bar pushed me towards the door . They were trying to help the bald man . A tickle of blood ran down his throat and onto his chest . He coughed and blood dribbled from the centre of his mouth . The bald , bleeding man stepped forward and fell onto his knees . He tried to speak but nothing came out but blood . He put his hands around his throat like he was choking himself . Blood seeped through the gaps between his fingers . I 'd just killed a man . I dragged my feet . My feet began to shuffle . When they shuffled quickly enough I turned it into a run . Seastone was a port town on an island and it thrived on trading goods and sailors spending money ashore . The sailors and their captains and their cabin boys would come ashore and spend money in the taverns and cathouses before sailing to another part of the world . And we in Seastone would be left to count their money and be ready for the next lot to come ashore . A little way from the harbour was a small pub called The Hope and Anchor . I 'd been working there a few weeks , scrubbing the floors and serving the drinks . At nights The Hope and Anchor would be full and I 'd be weaving around the drunks to collect empty tankards . I made my way to the bar and put the empty tankards down . The landlord , Giles , gave me a sympathetic look . His eyes were very blue and he had a small white beard . He gently put his hand on my arm . I looked around the pub , at all of the drunks and the sailors . They had no idea who I was . If they knew then they would fall out of their chairs and go out of their way to treat me with respect . That made me smile . Last orders when taken and the old - timers shuffled out . As I snuffed out the candles , Giles took his keys from his belt to lock up . As he opened the door , I said , ' Giles , I wanted to ask you - ' He raised a hand . ' I 'm very tired , lass , ' he said . He gently smiled and said , ' Let 's talk about it in the morning . ' I went upstairs to the room where I lived . The room was small and it had a dresser , though I hadn 't much use for it as I only had a few clothes . Out of the window I had a view of the harbour and the sea . I sat on the bed and looked outside and listened to the sounds from the sea . After I left the orphanage and got the job at The Hope and Anchor I 'd had to share a room with Giles in his house . It was a smaller room than this , with only a partition across it to separate where Giles and I slept . People gossiped about the landlord taking home his barmaid every night , but it was never anything like that . Even though I had the room above The Hope and Anchor now , I still heard snide comments about living with Giles . I lay back on the bed and ignored sounds the drunken shouts of the sailors and the fake moaning of their women , and instead I focussed on the sea and the waves . I was told Giles Corrigan was a good man to work for . The girls who 'd worked for him had left Seastone to sail away to other parts of the world . There was so much I wanted to ask Giles . Every time I tried to question him it was always , ' We 'll talk tomorrow ' or ' Not now , lass . ' And when I did get him to talk about it , he never wanted to say much , just the same - ' You can 't tell anybody about this ' and ' You cannot tell a soul . If , God forbid , any of the Governor 's men should find out … The Governor hates the whole pack of Blackgraces , he 'd hang every last one if he had a chance , so if ever he found out about you , Beatrice … ' Giles shook his head and wouldn 't say anymore . My heart beat a little faster . I put the mop in the bucket and went over to the door . I took out the bolt and moved the latch . Standing outside were three of the Governor 's officers . All three dressed in identical midnight blue uniform with sabres hanging at their sides . The officer at the door had a blonde moustache . Meekly , I moved aside . Their boots echoed around the pub as they came inside . Two officers stood on either side of the pub and the third , with the moustache , sat down and took out a pipe . I winced . Seastone was the surname given to any orphan on the island . It wasn 't uncommon . The sailors sometimes left the whores with more than their coin . ' There was a break - in . Somebody came into Corrigan 's room and shot him in the head . ' A puff of smoke came from the Lieutenant 's pipe . He took it from his mouth and said , ' We were under the belief you lived with Giles Corrigan . So , where were you last night ? ' The Lieutenant looked at me and said nothing . The pipe smoke danced around his face . He took the pipe from his mouth to his hands . ' Violent murder is something the Governor does not tolerate . ' He got to his feet . ' If this is unsolved by the end of the day , the Governor himself may take a personal interest in the affairs of Giles Corrigan the landlord . The Governor does not tolerate murderers running free on his island . ' He beckoned to the other officers and led them to the door . As he stood in the doorway , he turned to say , ' I would stay put . We may have need of you in the future . ' ' The Blackgrace 's have always been the most revered pirates . William Blackgrace was the Captain , with his brother Byron was his second - in - command . William had a wife and two babies - a girl and a boy . While Captain Blackgrace was at sea , rivals kidnapped his wife and the children and held them hostage . The Captain was wild with rage . He and his brother Byron raised a fleet and stormed the island where his family were held . The rivals were slaughtered , but when William Blackgrace found his family his wife and son were dead . ' His infant daughter , Arwen Blackgrace , was never found . William Blackgrace was convinced his daughter was alive and taken somewhere , maybe to be ransomed again . He searched for years . ' ' The baby was never found . Nobody knows what happened to her . This was … nearly twenty years ago , ' Giles said . ' She was looked for , a girl with red hair and blue eyes . And … ' he said , ' and a scar . A long scar on her left shoulder . ' I was an orphan , abandoned as a baby , never known who my parents were . I was seventeen . My hair was red . My eyes were blue . For as long as I could remember there had been a scar on my left shoulder . I had no idea how I got it . ' You mustn 't say anything about this , Beatrice . ' His watery blue eyes stared hard at me . ' You cannot tell a soul . We 'd both be in danger if anybody knew . ' All my life I had felt like I had never fitted it . Not at the orphanage as a child , not as an older girl , looking after the new orphans . Not even here , at The Hope and Anchor , had I felt like I belonged . I had always felt there had to be somewhere else for me . Somewhere I really , truly , belonged . He may have been the only one who knew if I really was Arwen Blackgrace . For a moment , I thought what if he was killed because of me ? Everyone thought I was living with him ? The Blackgraces were feared - I got off the floor and rushed to the front door . I quickly put the latch on and bolted the door . I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of . My mind was full of thoughts I couldn 't fully grasp . From the window in the room I live in , I watched the ships make their way from the port and towards the horizon . I wished I could disappear into the horizon like that . They were making their way around the bar and towards the stairs . I crept back into my room , heart pounding . They might have been Giles ' murderers . Their being here and Giles ' death could not be a coincidence . I normally write ' drama ' fiction , but this is something very different . If I had to give it a genre I would say it 's pirate - noir . Arwen Blackgrace is a murder - mystery thriller with a few pirates thrown in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The carriage drove slowly through the streets . The sounds of screams and shouts came from the harbour . Though my hands were tied and bound , I reached them up to push the curtain of the carriage window aside . There was a fire in the harbour . The captain of The Black Prince was Byron Blackgrace , my uncle . They 'd come for me . But I was kidnapped and being taken to a man who was probably going to kill me . I reached for the handle of the carriage door , but a fist stuck me in my face . The ropes cut into my wrist , stinging and painful . It almost made me laugh at how hands bound together looked like praying . My only prays were that my family found me before Varney killed me . The one who 'd left , a stout man with sandy hair , came back . ' Governor 's boys , ' he said , ' blocking up the road . There 's no way round . ' I felt the grip on my waist tighten . He said , ' We walk . Governor 's men aren 't going to care one lick about us , not if they 've got pirates to deal with . ' A small argument broke out , but it was soon decided they would march me to Varney 's . I was dragged outside . At the end of the street I could see some of the Governor 's men blocking it off . They were all armed with rifles and swords . More marched down that street . I was dragged away from the sight . Other people stood in the streets watching . No one paid attention to the bound and gagged girl being marched along . Some people were staying in their homes and locking their doors and windows , but peeping outside . Other people came into the streets to see what was going on in the harbour , maybe to catch a glimpse of The Black Prince . I was marched to the very top of the hill , where the bigger and larger houses were . It was almost impressive that Varney owned two houses like this . They took me inside . There were only two small candles lit to illuminate the hallway . There were bookshelves filled with red and black ledgers . At other end was an armchair with a very high back . Sitting in it was Varney . He looked like he was dressed for the opera . He had his cane next to him . He pulled the handle top of it up and it revealed a sword concealed within . He dropped it back down and picked it up and dropped down it again . Varney scarcely looked at me when I came in . He was a terrible host . ' Leave us , ' Varney said . The young man left us alone in the room . Varney made no motion other than to play with his cane . He looked entirely despondent . He sneered at me . He turned to face me and the lamp by his side shone on half of his face . ' Having the Blackgraces here means only destruction and death . ' ' I was there , ' he said . ' All those years ago , when Grayson kidnapped William Blackgrace 's family . I was part of the gang . ' He said , ' I saw the sheer destruction , the death and the violence the Blackgraces caused and I swore … there was a better way of doing things , without violence without … ' He shook his head . ' I deal in trinkets that pass through this island and one day what did I find but the Blackgrace locket that belonged to infant Arwen . Of course , the merchant had no idea what he had hold of , few people do . So I purchased it from him and came up with a plan . ' He laughed , ' Giles told you Arwen had a scar because you had a scar ! ' He stood up , gripping his cane in his hand . ' We were so lucky to find you because you were so willing to be convinced that you were Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' No . ' He was very close to me . ' I was going to kill you and try to find another orphan in time . It wouldn 't be hard . This is Seastone - the isle of the orphans . You , Beatrice Seastone , are not the daughter of a pirate captain , you are a damned orphan , and you are absolutely nothing special . ' I launched myself at him , striking him with my bound hands . Varney was caught off guard and I knocked him to the floor . My hands went around his throat and squeezed . The cane struck me on the side of my face and it knocked me to my side . I heard metal on wood as he drew the sword from his cane . I rolled again and saw a flash of metal as the sword stabbed into the spot where I had been . I kicked at Varney and he yelped , letting go of the sword . I quickly got to my feet and put my hands around the hilt of the sword . Varney ran at me . I tugged the sword out and flicked it up . It caught Varney across the stomach . Blood gurgled out of his mouth . He dropped to the floor , the sword sticking out of his chest . A breath rattled out of him and then nothing . I breathed heavily . I could hear loud noises from outside . No doubt Varney 's men were rushing in to kill me . I didn 't care . I 'd been lied to , set - up . I was just some orphan with no past that 'd been tricked to make money . The door opened and a man I didn 't recognise stood looking at me . He was tall and had long , iron - grey hair . He wore all black , even had a flowing black cape . The man 's face was so stern and still it looked like it had been chiselled out of stone . He stepped into the room , not taking his eyes from me . Behind him were people who were not Varney 's men . One of them was a young man with dark - skin who actually smiled at me . I stood up to face the unsmiling man , ready to face whatever fate had in store for me . With a black - gloved hand he quickly reached out and took hold of my chin . He tilted my head up and moved it to the left and then right . It was Byron Blackgrace , captain of The Black Prince . He let go of my head and looked about the room . He nodded and the smiling man came over to me . Again he gave me a cheerful look . He took out his sword . The smiling man tittered and said , ' Believe it or not , but this is the most impressed I 've ever seen him . You 've done a good job here . You really are one of us . ' I looked at him . His gaze didn 't waver . Everybody in the room , the pirates with their swords drawn were looking at me , waiting to hear what I was going to say . I had Devon find me some paper and something to write with . I wrote down the location of Varney 's other house . Once I had finished , Devon took it away . When he came back in the next morning he just said , ' It 's done . ' We were sat around their little table . Devon 's father wouldn 't make eye contact with me . He just wiped his big hands on his scruffy green jacket . ' There 's nothing to be sorry for , Go Away , ' he said . We stood next to each other , leaning against the back wall of the butchers . ' You 'll be gone soon , I heard that The Black Prince has been spotted . ' Later in the afternoon , Devon came down the alleyway . He carried something covered over in a dirty old cloth . His face was pale . I saw him through the window and raced downstairs to greet him . It had been so long since I had been aboard in Seastone at night , I had forgotten about the sights and sounds . But I didn 't miss them . And I wouldn 't miss them when I left . I was a Blackgrace and belonged with them , my family . My life in Seastone had been pretending , a fantasy . And soon , so soon I would be with them . There were only two gates in wall around the jail . We waited by the small gate at the back of the jail . Nobody came in or out . After hours I passed I said to Devon , ' There 's only one thing for it . We 're going to have to knock . ' I banged my fist on the gate . There was a small hatch in door . A lock clicked and the hatch opened . There was an Officer looked out at us . ' Let me give you something for your trouble , ' I said to him , making it look as if I were seeing how much money I had . Instead I pulled out a club Devon had procured for me . I hit the old Officer on the head and he collapsed to the floor . I had rope on me , which I used to tie his hand and legs together . Once we 'd done that , we made our way across to the jail . There was a row of barred windows . A few weeks ago , one of them had been my cell . Devon gave me the barrel of gunpowder and I pulled the top off . I poured out the black powder along the wall just away from where the cells were . Whether or not Varney 's men escaped didn 't matter . It just had to look like an escape attempt , even if it were one that hadn 't worked . ' Run , run , run ' Devon said and took my arm . And we ran back to the gate . We got it open and heard the explosion behind us . In the pubs and the inns and the taverns , everybody was talking about what had happened at the jail . Nobody had ever defied the Governor like that . Devon said to me , ' The way people are talking makes it sound like we 're in the middle of a war . Varney 's claiming he 's got nothing to do with it , it was somebody else . There 's a price on your head , Go Away . ' ' Breaking apart Varney 's businesses . There 's been raids , lots of Officers killed , Varney 's men too . It 's not safe to be out at night anymore . Seastone 's tearing itself apart . ' It was cold in the alley behind the butcher 's shop . Devon shivered and hopped on the spot . ' And I bumped into Lydia Pryce , ' he said . ' she wants to see you . ' ' Beatrice … ' Lydia said and she came over to me . Some moonlight shone with the window . She stood in the patch of it . She wore that old red dress with the red scarf around her neck . Lydia continued , ' But that 's what he did , taken orphans under the pretence of … helping them . But he sold them , Beatrice . And he had not right to do that . ' ' He sold me to a ship , for the men to use , ' she spat . ' Look what they did to me . ' She took the scarf from her neck . I saw rope burns and scars . ' They tortured me for … their pleasure . I was just something to be sold . ' She put her hands on my arm , ' Don 't you see , Beatrice , I 'm offering you a chance you 'd never get … ' ' Of course he was . He was going to sell you , like an item , ' she gripped my arm tighter . ' He couldn 't be allowed to do that . ' In the darkness the men seemed like shadows . Lydia was hurled out of the way and two of them grabbed at me . I kicked and fought and called Devon 's name . ' Shut up , ' said a voice . I only caught a glimpse of him taking out a sword and slashing at Lydia . Her body fell to the floor . My mouth was gagged . They tied my hands together . They pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the house . There was a carriage waiting for me . A man pushed me at the carriage and I hit the side . The slates were rough against my hands . But it wouldn 't be as bad as what would happen to me if I stayed behind . I wasn 't going to be anybody 's prisoner . I was halfway up the wall when I heard shouting from the house . I had to hurry . I reached my hands out , not worrying about getting a safe holding . A hand grabbed my foot and I squealed . I kicked out but the hand held firm . I began to pull despite the hand trying to drag me back . I lashed out with my leg and managed to crush his hand into the wall . He yelped in pain and released his grip . Taking the chance I pulled myself up and was on the top of the wall . My right side hit the ground and the pain went through me . But I had no time for pain . I pulled myself up and ran . Footsteps padded behind me . I was in the Seastone market . It was packed with people , so I could blend into the crowd . But I had to avoid the Governor 's men . One stall had a selection of shawls for sale . I borrowed a dark red one . I promised to myself I would return it eventually . I put the shawl over me to cover my hair and give to chance to hide my face if the Governor 's men got too close . Carefully I made my way through the market and into another part of the town . I avoided the main street and the busier streets and kept my head down . At the top of the street was The Hollow Crown . I took a look around me to see if there were any Governor 's men about . Seeing there were none I quickly made my way to the inn and went inside . She shut the door behind us . Lydia dashed from me and over to the window , holding on to that scarf that was around her neck . ' Officers have been watching me since you escaped … ' She turned away and paced the room . I apologised again but she didn 't seem to hear . ' But you were supposed to help and make things right … ' I lit a candle so I could see where I was . I was in the kitchen . Which is just what I waited . I soon found what I needed - a cutting knife . I blew out the candle and let my eyes become accustomed to the dark . I found the stairs and went all the way up . I found the door at the top that led into the bedroom . I slowly pushed it open . There were no curtains . Some moonlight came through the window . Lying in the bed was Underwood . I crept over , holding the knife out . I stood next to him , and then put the knife against his sensitive areas . I tapped the tip of the knife against his thigh . ' No so loud , ' I smiled . I told him what message I wanted sent . Arwen Blackgrace had been found and was in danger . She was at Seastone . ' Can you tell him that ? ' ' If you don 't sent the message I will know and I will find you . There 's going to be trouble coming . Make sure you 're on the right side . ' Early in the morning the butcher 's shop opened . The butcher stepped outside , wearing the same apron I had seen him wearing last time . It was covered in spots of dirt and blood . I approached him . The large butcher shrugged and invited me inside . I went thought the shop and lead up upstairs to where the family lived . There were five or six other children in the room . Mattresses and rags lay on the floor . Devon 's mother was sitting in a rocking chair by the window . She had the same dark curly hair as Devon . ' Well … if you 're friends with Devon … ' She found little jobs for me to do , sewing and mending , or looking after the children . It felt like been back at the orphanage . Devon stood in the doorway , smirking at me . Before I could speak to him , his mother had him and told him how worried they 'd been . He took out a small purse of coins and handed it to her . His mother looked down at it in wonder then back at Devon . ' And who did you steal this from ? ' ' Oh , I know , ' he grinned . ' So you want me to hide you out until your family comes to get you . Putting not just me at risk , but my beloved family too . ' ' We 're going to turn the Governor and Varney against each other . Their truce is failing , we 're going to break it . They 're going to destroy each other . And while they 're doing it I 'm going to sail away in peace . I waited for guards to take me to the gallows . I couldn 't keep still . I paced , or paced as well as I could in such a tiny cell . In my head , over and over , I could hear Varney whispering , calling me Arwen Blackgrace . This man who controlled Seastone had called me Arwen Blackgrace . And he had told me not to lose hope . I clung as tightly to that as a drowning sailor to a piece of his ship . The men came to my cell late at the night . Without speaking a word they unlocked the cell door . Keys jangled against one officer 's belt as he stepped into my cell . I was gently led out of my cell and into the corridor . At the very end a lamp was burning . The light flicked and illuminated a table when two of the Governor 's finest lay with their heads across the table . This was the big escape . No shots were fired , no voices were raised . Some guards were drugged , others had accepted bribes and even held doors open for me . Outside the jail was a horse and carriage . The door of it was held open for me . I climbed in and one of the men followed and sat alongside me . Thick black curtains covered the windows of the carriage so I couldn 't see outside . The carriage came to a stop . The man opened the door and stepped out . He offered a hand to help me out . I got out of the carriage slowly so I could take a good look at where I was . The house I was standing outside was towards the middle of Seastone , at the top of the hill in the district for the rich and more corrupt islanders . The man led me up to a house with a high walled garden . He opened the gate . We went through the garden and up a path to the back of the house . A door opened and I was shown inside . A few candles flickered , offering a little light . The ceilings in this house were so high , much taller than I was . It made me feel like I was in a child 's dollhouse . Varney was waiting for me in a study . He stood up and said , ' Hello . I trust you made it safely ? ' He spoke as if he were expecting for me tea and cakes . Varney picked up his silver - handled cane and rested it upon his lap . ' The Governor and I have an understanding . I 'm afraid that he has forgotten his understanding of our understanding , if you follow . ' He laughed and showed white teeth . He said , ' The Governor , like myself , abhors violence . Violence is for the unimaginative . The Governor lets me do what I do as long as I steer clear of violent means and occasionally turn in the more violent element in Seastone to him . ' There was something very casual about Varney . He spoke to me like we were making small talk before a dance . I could not imagine people being afraid of this slim man . ' When I was a younger man , ' he said , his face growing serious , ' I saw … a very horrific act of butchery . Men , women , children , all killed . ' Varney leaned back in his chair and rested a hand on his cheek . ' I swore from that day that I would not indulge in violence . There had to be a better way of doing things . ' ' I … well … I 'm an orphan , so I never … it could … ' Maybe it was the wine but I said , ' Yes . I feel like I am . ' ' I found it . Or found a man who had no idea what he had and I had a man purchase it from him . And I knew it meant Arwen Blackgrace was somewhere on this island . ' ' I sent it back to your family with the promise that I 'd deliver you . ' He pointed at me as he said this . ' Of course it 's so I can take a fee for looking after you , just so you know and aren 't disillusioned . ' Varney smiled and reached forward to take my hand . He said , ' I am going to organise a ship to get to the Blackgrace 's island . The Blackgraces have a habit of firing cannons on any ship that gets too close to them , so I need time to send further word to them and arrange our safe journey . Until then you 'll stay here . ' ' It would say it 's my pleasure , but I 'll have to deal with our Governor tomorrow and that will be as far from a pleasure as a man can get . ' He took my hand and kissed it . ' Goodnight , Miss . Blackgrace . ' He left the room through a small door and took his silver handled cane with him . Anders led me up a staircase to a room at the top of the house . He carried a candle to light our way . He held the bedroom door open for me . I went inside the room . There was a candle on the sill , lighting the room . Within a moment I liked it a lot more than my cell . Part of me , maybe the Beatrice part of me , told me it 'd been locked for a good reason , probably my own safety . But hearing the key been turned and the door being locked got my back up . I didn 't like feeling like I 'd just exchanged one cell for another more comfortable one . In the morning the door was unlocked and Anders took me down to breakfast . As we went down the stairs I said , ' Why was my door locked ? Worried about me getting away ? ' At the breakfast table , I kept glancing around , trying to get an idea of the layout of the house . I listened for footsteps and movement and noise as I ate . There was at least two other people in the house . I told him that would do fine . He shuffled awkwardly next to me as he left the house and went to the garden . Anders seemed petrified by me . I wondered if it was because I was a Blackgrace or because I was a girl . The garden of the house was large , and surrounded by a wall made out of slate and rocks . The walls were high , maybe three times the size of me . We walked all the way around . There was only one exit - the gate I came through the other night . I went up to it but there was a lock across it . That day back in The Hope and Anchor , two men had tried to grab me . One was dead , the other was walking right past me . He was a short squat man . Markus and the big bald man had tried to kidnap me and take me away . And he was working for Varney . They had known that I was Arwen Blackgrace . It suddenly became clear . Varney was making the Blackgrace 's pay to have me back . He 'd had Giles find me . He 'd killed Giles and tried to kidnap me so could have all the money to himself . His cheeks flushed red and he hurried away . As soon as he was back inside the house I took a good look at the wall around the garden . It was tall . But the only way out was to climb it . My cell was not much bigger than I was . If I lay down on the floor and stretched out I would be able to touch the walls with my hands and touch the bars with my toes . The back wall had a small window with three bars across it . Outside I could see the sea . The back wall was the only solid wall of the cell . The other sides were bars connected to other cells on the left and right . There was nothing else inside the cell except something that might have been a chamber pot . ' A Lydia Pryce was here earlier . She says she was with you these few days so you couldn 't have murdered those men . Since you never mentioned her she must be lying . ' In the dark I kept seeing the Blackgrace locket in my mind . Arwen Blackgrace had one . That would have been proof she had been found . I 'd never seen that locket in my life . Maybe it had been stolen when I was a baby ? But then , there was nothing about Arwen Blackgrace having a scar on her shoulder . I had a scar but it meant nothing . ' Sonya . ' I couldn 't tell whether she old or young but her voice sounded weary . ' They put me in here , ' she said , ' because a man tried to rob me . ' ' No , they arrested me because I tried to cut his cock off with his razor . ' She sighed , ' He was the one robbing me . Bloody sailors . We had an agreed price , he has his way with me , then says I overcharged him . He tried to take my money , so I tried to cut his cock off with his razor and he called officers . What are you here for ? ' ' Oh . I 'm sorry for you , gal . If it were my last day even I wouldn 't want to spend it with me . But it looks like we 're stuck with each other . I don 't sleep much at night . Too used to working through it . Can 't sleep unless the sun 's up . Bloody vampire , me . ' ' Me ? ' I said what I felt , ' I 'm no one . Just an orphan . Come from nowhere , going to nowhere . Nothing done in between . ' I nodded , but realised she wouldn 't be able to see that in the dark so I answered , ' Yes . I wish I wasn 't a Seastone . Maybe a Blackgrace instead . That 's a name that means something , means you belong to something - ' ' A name doesn 't mean anything until you do something . It 's what you do that makes it mean something . Like Varney . It 's not his name that means anything , but everything Varney 's done to make you go " oh shit , it 's Varney " . ' ' No joke , love , ' Sonya said , ' he 's real . Fella I 'd do the old business with works for him , talked about him too . ' Sonya scooted a little closer to the bars between us and said in a quieter voice , ' Apparently Varney 's got something big planned . ' Sonya said , ' I 'll tell you this - you know when you see a big old spider web , but you can 't see the spider … and it turns out it 's hiding in a corner where you can 't them and it 's always the biggest damn spider you ever saw . Well , that 's Varney . He 's the spider you can 't see . ' Several footsteps echoed down the corridor . The Governor 's officers stood outside Sonya 's cell . I couldn 't tell how many there were . Keys rattled and cell door opened . I didn 't know how long she was gone . They brought her back to the cell in silence . It was still so dark I could not make out whether her face was bruised and marked . ' Just be glad it wasn 't you , ' she said . ' I 've been here before . I knew what to expect . Let 's just hope they don 't come back . ' The Governor 's men came for me not long after it had gotten light . One man opened my cell and another waited behind him . I couldn 't tell if they were the same men from the night before . As I was marched out of my cell , I saw Sonya out of the corner of my eye . I wanted to say something to her , some goodbye , but I couldn 't find the words . Sonya said , ' Don 't make it easy for ' em , gal ' . She smiled slowly and sadly . With a man either side of me they led me along another corridor , not the one I had entered . I was taken to a large wooden staircase . It was difficult to climb with shackled feet . The room was a large office . At the other end were some very big windows and before them a large , heavy desk . Sitting at the desk was an older man in a blue uniform . He had thick white hair and white moustache . It was the Governor himself . I was so surprised I almost didn 't notice the other man . The other man was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to the Governor . He was much older than me but handsome in his way . His clothes were all immaculate and he held a cane with a sliver handle next to him . I looked about the room . ' Your men , ' I said , ' are pigs . They abused the woman in the cell next to me . I 'm told this is common practise . ' The officers pushed him against firmly and pulled me to my feet . They stepped back from me and Varney stood close . He turned to the Governor behind the desk and said , ' Don 't do this . ' The Governor shook his head . ' You forget , Varney - I am in charge of Seastone . I am the law and I am the justice . Take her away . ' Beatrice Seastone is wanted for the murder of Giles Corrigan , a crime she is trying to solve . She is taken in by the mysterious Lydia Pryce and young thief , Devon . Lydia Pryce offers Beatrice a way off the island , an offer she accepts , but Beatrice takes the last few hours she has to find out if there is a connection between Giles ' death and the mystery of the long - lost Arwen Blackgrace … Devon led us through the quiet streets . All the buildings we passed looked much the same . Grey and brown and white and black . It could be very easy to confuse one part of town with another . ' This Underwood , ' he said , ' is a professor . Or a doctor . Or something . His house is full of books , some of them are really old . You could nick a few and he 'd never know they were missing . But then again I wouldn 't know what would be worth stealing . ' ' Varney runs Seastone . Well , he certainly runs the bits that the Governor doesn 't run . Everything gets back to Varney . He 's probably enough of a rogue to have known the Blackgraces . ' Devon said . ' There 's a bounty on you . More than what Lydia 's paying me . ' He looked across at me . ' It 'd be much easier if I handed you over . ' Devon sighed . ' When you were a kid did you ever think that your parents weren 't your parents ? You know like , it was a mistake you belonged to some other family ? ' At the very top of the hill was a house that seemed like any other on the street . These houses were larger than those closer to the harbour and the port . We reached a black door and Devon used the doorknocker . The boy shut the door in Devon 's face . Devon stood up and brushed his knees . The door opened again . The boy appeared and said , ' He says no . ' We went in . The boy went down a dark hallway and we followed him to a dark room filled with books . Every part of the wall had a bookcase against it and every bookcase was filled . In the centre of the room was a table covered in paper . Across from it was a large red armchair with a tall back . Sitting in it was a pale man with a bald spot in the middle of his hair . He wore a red dressing gown ' You ? What are you doing here ? ' Underwood said this to Devon but he kept glancing across at me . He then stood up , ' If it 's money you 've after you can - ' Underwood stared at me . He then slowly pointed a finger at me , before retracting it and tapping it against his lips . He then turned his head and shouted , ' Boy ! ' Underwood stood up . ' Excuse me , ' he said as he rushed out of the room . A few minutes later and Underwood came back into the room . ' Sorry , ' he said rushing back to his armchair . ' Checking about the tea . We have no tea . Sorry . ' He sat down and without looking at me said , ' Blackgraces . What do you want to know ? ' It took me a second to realise he was finished . That was a lot to take in . I took a seat at the table and said , ' I want to know about Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' His wife and child had died during the cannon attack . Blackgrace was devastated , his wife and child were no more … and all because of his fury . It is said the family were killed when the Blackgrace cannon balls hit . ' ' Arwen Blackgrace was not found . William Blackgrace was certain that he should find her and it would prove that he had not been the one to kill his family . He searched for her , for years , finding those of Grayson 's crew that had deserted him … but he found no trace of his daughter . After years he gave up and Byron took control . Arwen Blackgrace was never found . ' Underwood opened the book and began going through the pages . He turned the book around and showed it too me . On the page was a drawing in pencil of a piece of jewellery . ' The Blackgrace locket , ' Underwood said . ' Made out of gold . You see the design , ' he pointed at the drawing , ' green and black gems in the design of a kraken , you see ? ' ' Ah , ' Underwood said , ' William Blackgrace had three commissioned - one for his wife when they were married , one for his son when he was born , and then one for the daughter . When Blackgrace found his wife and son they both had their lockets with them . The third one and Arwen Blackgrace were never found . ' Underwood stepped back . He looked very smug . ' You see , people tried to say they 'd found Arwen Blackgrace , but without that locket … he would never believe them . ' He sat back in the armchair , going through the pages . I hoped and hoped that he would look back up and say he 'd found something about Arwen 's scar . But he never did . He took more books from the shelves , but he could find nothing . I got through the doorway and felt a hand push into my back . It forced me forward and I tumbled over and landed on the floor . I lifted my head to see Devon burst through a door and sprint away . And now - the belated part three of Arwen Blackgrace , apologies for the delay . Beatrice Seastone is now on the run after murdering a man who twice unsuccessfully tried to kidnap her . Lost and alone , she is no closer to the truth of Giles Corrigan 's murder or the truth of her birth . . A young man sat down next to me . I hadn 't noticed him approach . He was wearing a red waistcoat and had black curly hair . He smiled at me . ' Hello , ' he said . In the early morning light I could see his pale face was full of freckles and he was grinning . ' My name 's Devon . What 's yours ? ' He took a step back . ' Look , Miss . Go Away , ' he said , ' I 'll give you it back , I just have to get you somewhere first . ' ' You shouldn 't , ' he said . He stuck his hands in his pockets . ' Didn 't you hear the bit about thief , vagabond and gentleman rogue ? ' The young man shook his head and sighed . ' Look , some rich lady said find this barmaid for me , and I said , " I could find you a dozen " , she said , " no , I want this one , so I can offer her a job in Pentia " , and I said , " well is she pretty " ? And she said , " shut up and have these coins " . ' I held my hand out . He smirked and handed the letter opener back . I held it close to me . There was still blood on it . There was still blood on me . At the top of the street was a hotel called The Hollow Crown . It was a tall wide building . It catered for rich travellers rather than ordinary sailors . We went inside . An older woman , the proprietor , I think , looked across at us , and Devon gave her a wave . He dashed up the stairs , taking two at a time . Devon held the door open for me . I nervously stepped inside . The room was twice as big as mine at the Hope and Anchor had been . In the corner was a large bed with a chest at its foot . On the other side were a table and chairs . And standing next to a window was a lady in a dress the colour of a dark red wine . She was older than me by many years but her face was very striking . She had long dark hair . Covering her neck was a delicate red scarf . ' Thank you , ' the lady said . She smiled at me , ' Please ' . She motioned to the table . I slowly walked towards it and sat down . Devon stood nearby . ' I was born here , ' she said . ' I 'd lived in the orphanage for fourteen years before I … sailed away . I now live in Pentia . I run an orphanage . ' Lydia continued , ' It 's a very different orphanage to Seastone . We care for the children , not just while they are with us , but afterwards . Being an orphan can … limit your choices . ' She smiled . But it was not a happy smile . ' I heard about what happened to you . What happened to … Giles Corrigan . ' Her fingers drummed on the table then they were still . ' With the death of … that man , I was worried your choices would be limited . I searched for you , until this … young man offered his services to find you . ' ' Beatrice , ' Lydia said . ' I very much want you to come and work for me . You can leave all this behind you . You 'll never have to see Seastone again , not if you don 't wish to . ' All times I had dreamed that I was on one of the ships leaving Seastone and sailing away … here was my chance . Lydia told me that she had booked passage on the ship , I wouldn 't have to worry about money . All that she asked is that I work at the orphanage she ran . ' To be born a Seastone is to be limited , ' she said . ' But with my children in Pentia , we strive to open the world for them , not close it . And who better to help than orphans … like us . ' The red scarf started to slip from around her neck and she quickly pulled it up . Underneath I could a glimpse of something . It looked like a birthmark , but I couldn 't be sure . Leaving Seastone had been all I had dreamed about for so long . Even if I worked in an orphanage for a year or more , I would still be away from Seastone . I would in Pentia . I 'd heard that Pentia was much warmer and sunnier than this island . But if I went would I ever find out about what happened to Giles ? He 'd taken me from the orphanage , given me a job , a place to live … and maybe a past . If I left now would I ever find out the truth about whether or not I was Arwen Blackgrace ? ' Don 't worry , ' I said to her with all the sincerity I could muster . ' I will be back . I want to leave this place . ' I shook my head . ' No . I 'm going back . I 'll take that ship . But there 's something I need to know first . Devon ? ' He looked over at me . He looked completely puzzled . ' I didn 't want to say this , but you know you 're wanted by the Governor 's men ? For murder . Widow Pryce was paying me extra to find you before they did . ' ' Then I just have to stay out of their way before the ship to Pentia this evening , ' I said . ' But I can 't go without find out about Arwen Blackgrace . I have to , Devon . ' He jumped up and said . ' We best get a move on then . ' He darted up the street suddenly . ' Come along , Go Away , ' he called . In Part One , a 17 year - old orphan and barmaid , Beatrice Seastone , is told she maybe the long - lost daughter of pirate William Blackgrace by her landlord , Giles Corrigan . He is subsequently murdered , and the Governor 's officers suspect Beatrice . While she grieves , mysterious men break into the pub , and she overhears them talk about kidnapping her … My only way out was to fight . At the very end of the room was a small fireplace and I dashed over to it . In the fireplace were a couple of logs . I grabbed the biggest one I could find . When I turned around the large bald man was in the doorway . He looked surprised as I thrust the log upwards and struck him in the nose . Blood trickled down his face and he stumbled backwards onto the landing . I ran around the large man to the stairs . I heard thunks as the log fell from my hands and raced down the stairs with me . The men were howling and moaning in pain and they were coming after me . There were a few people walking in the afternoon sun along the street . No one was interested in a girl with a torn dress running past them . But this was Seastone . It probably wasn 't an unusual sight for them . Children played in the street , dancing around the pile of horse muck . I was in the part of town at the bottom of the hill . I stuck to the quieter streets . I couldn 't help but jump whenever anybody walked past me . The men who had come for me had known about my scar , the same scar that Arwen Blackgrace had . The more I walked and the more I thought the more it seemed that Giles ' death had to be connected with the possibility I was the missing Arwen Blackgrace . Everybody thought I was living with Giles - was I the intended victim ? I found myself heading towards the place where Giles had lived . The house looked like all the others on the street , there was nothing to make it stick out … except for the broken door . That was new . It was broken from the outside . I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching and stepped inside . The bed sheet hadn 't been changed . It was covered in dried blood . I gasped . Giles must have been lying in bed , maybe asleep when he was shot . In the middle of the room was the partition . On the other side was where I had slept . Next to the partition , on Giles ' side was an open window . I picked up a little stool and dragged it over to the window . I stood on it to get a better look . The window was easy enough for somebody taller than me to reach up to and climb up . I leant out of the window and saw no footprints or boot marks on the ground . I got off the stool and stepped back . The murderer had come through the window . It would have been dark with only moonlight to go by . The murderer saw the partition and thought on one side was Giles , on the other was me . They took their chance and it was the wrong one . Mrs . Mulligan was a little old dear who spent her days looking after her cats and watching out of her window to see what everyone else was doing . She took me across the street to her house . She made me a meal while her cats clawed all over me . ' I heard it , all right . I was awake anyway , ' she groaned as she sat down at the table . ' I don 't sleep anymore I just sit out there and Winslow keeps me company . ' Once I had finished eating , I thanked Mrs . Mulligan for the meal and left . I went back to Giles ' house because it was the only place I had to go . I couldn 't go back to The Hope and Anchor . There was nowhere else for me to go . Giles ' had a place where he kept his letters along with a pretty silver letter opener . I could mostly read so I took out his letters and started looking through them . I searched for any mention of the Blackgrace 's . But there was nothing . The letters were about business . People wrote to arrange to meet Giles ' in various places , though some , surprisingly , in the southeast part of the port . That part of the port was vicious . There were more cathouses down there than on any part of the island . Everybody knew to avoid that part of the port . But in the most recent letter , somebody was arranging to meet Giles in The Tiger 's Head . I thought of the nights when The Hope and Anchor had closed and Giles had said he had to go and run some errands . He had been doing business in that part of town ? Inside a drawer Giles kept a small bag of coins . I had never stolen anything before . It made my stomach feel heavy doing it . I also took Giles ' silver letter opener and concealed it . The Tiger 's Head was nothing like The Hope and Anchor . It was louder and crammed with more bodies . The Tiger 's Head was dark because all the candles were so high up on the walls to prevent drunks from crashing into them and burning the place down . I sipped at the ale . It was watered down , but nobody else seemed to mind . I leaned against he bar and wondered what I could do next . A hand grabbed my arm . My arm was still bare after the arm of my dress had been torn off . I spun around to see a tall , wide , bald man . His nose looked disjointed and out of place . All I got was laughter and jeers . The bald man with a broken nose grabbed hold of me and pushed me into the crowd . I felt a man grope me and laugh in my ear . The people in the bar pushed me towards the door . They were trying to help the bald man . A tickle of blood ran down his throat and onto his chest . He coughed and blood dribbled from the centre of his mouth . The bald , bleeding man stepped forward and fell onto his knees . He tried to speak but nothing came out but blood . He put his hands around his throat like he was choking himself . Blood seeped through the gaps between his fingers . I 'd just killed a man . I dragged my feet . My feet began to shuffle . When they shuffled quickly enough I turned it into a run . Seastone was a port town on an island and it thrived on trading goods and sailors spending money ashore . The sailors and their captains and their cabin boys would come ashore and spend money in the taverns and cathouses before sailing to another part of the world . And we in Seastone would be left to count their money and be ready for the next lot to come ashore . A little way from the harbour was a small pub called The Hope and Anchor . I 'd been working there a few weeks , scrubbing the floors and serving the drinks . At nights The Hope and Anchor would be full and I 'd be weaving around the drunks to collect empty tankards . I made my way to the bar and put the empty tankards down . The landlord , Giles , gave me a sympathetic look . His eyes were very blue and he had a small white beard . He gently put his hand on my arm . I looked around the pub , at all of the drunks and the sailors . They had no idea who I was . If they knew then they would fall out of their chairs and go out of their way to treat me with respect . That made me smile . Last orders when taken and the old - timers shuffled out . As I snuffed out the candles , Giles took his keys from his belt to lock up . As he opened the door , I said , ' Giles , I wanted to ask you - ' He raised a hand . ' I 'm very tired , lass , ' he said . He gently smiled and said , ' Let 's talk about it in the morning . ' I went upstairs to the room where I lived . The room was small and it had a dresser , though I hadn 't much use for it as I only had a few clothes . Out of the window I had a view of the harbour and the sea . I sat on the bed and looked outside and listened to the sounds from the sea . After I left the orphanage and got the job at The Hope and Anchor I 'd had to share a room with Giles in his house . It was a smaller room than this , with only a partition across it to separate where Giles and I slept . People gossiped about the landlord taking home his barmaid every night , but it was never anything like that . Even though I had the room above The Hope and Anchor now , I still heard snide comments about living with Giles . I lay back on the bed and ignored sounds the drunken shouts of the sailors and the fake moaning of their women , and instead I focussed on the sea and the waves . I was told Giles Corrigan was a good man to work for . The girls who 'd worked for him had left Seastone to sail away to other parts of the world . There was so much I wanted to ask Giles . Every time I tried to question him it was always , ' We 'll talk tomorrow ' or ' Not now , lass . ' And when I did get him to talk about it , he never wanted to say much , just the same - ' You can 't tell anybody about this ' and ' You cannot tell a soul . If , God forbid , any of the Governor 's men should find out … The Governor hates the whole pack of Blackgraces , he 'd hang every last one if he had a chance , so if ever he found out about you , Beatrice … ' Giles shook his head and wouldn 't say anymore . My heart beat a little faster . I put the mop in the bucket and went over to the door . I took out the bolt and moved the latch . Standing outside were three of the Governor 's officers . All three dressed in identical midnight blue uniform with sabres hanging at their sides . The officer at the door had a blonde moustache . Meekly , I moved aside . Their boots echoed around the pub as they came inside . Two officers stood on either side of the pub and the third , with the moustache , sat down and took out a pipe . I winced . Seastone was the surname given to any orphan on the island . It wasn 't uncommon . The sailors sometimes left the whores with more than their coin . ' There was a break - in . Somebody came into Corrigan 's room and shot him in the head . ' A puff of smoke came from the Lieutenant 's pipe . He took it from his mouth and said , ' We were under the belief you lived with Giles Corrigan . So , where were you last night ? ' The Lieutenant looked at me and said nothing . The pipe smoke danced around his face . He took the pipe from his mouth to his hands . ' Violent murder is something the Governor does not tolerate . ' He got to his feet . ' If this is unsolved by the end of the day , the Governor himself may take a personal interest in the affairs of Giles Corrigan the landlord . The Governor does not tolerate murderers running free on his island . ' He beckoned to the other officers and led them to the door . As he stood in the doorway , he turned to say , ' I would stay put . We may have need of you in the future . ' ' The Blackgrace 's have always been the most revered pirates . William Blackgrace was the Captain , with his brother Byron was his second - in - command . William had a wife and two babies - a girl and a boy . While Captain Blackgrace was at sea , rivals kidnapped his wife and the children and held them hostage . The Captain was wild with rage . He and his brother Byron raised a fleet and stormed the island where his family were held . The rivals were slaughtered , but when William Blackgrace found his family his wife and son were dead . ' His infant daughter , Arwen Blackgrace , was never found . William Blackgrace was convinced his daughter was alive and taken somewhere , maybe to be ransomed again . He searched for years . ' ' The baby was never found . Nobody knows what happened to her . This was … nearly twenty years ago , ' Giles said . ' She was looked for , a girl with red hair and blue eyes . And … ' he said , ' and a scar . A long scar on her left shoulder . ' I was an orphan , abandoned as a baby , never known who my parents were . I was seventeen . My hair was red . My eyes were blue . For as long as I could remember there had been a scar on my left shoulder . I had no idea how I got it . ' You mustn 't say anything about this , Beatrice . ' His watery blue eyes stared hard at me . ' You cannot tell a soul . We 'd both be in danger if anybody knew . ' All my life I had felt like I had never fitted it . Not at the orphanage as a child , not as an older girl , looking after the new orphans . Not even here , at The Hope and Anchor , had I felt like I belonged . I had always felt there had to be somewhere else for me . Somewhere I really , truly , belonged . He may have been the only one who knew if I really was Arwen Blackgrace . For a moment , I thought what if he was killed because of me ? Everyone thought I was living with him ? The Blackgraces were feared - I got off the floor and rushed to the front door . I quickly put the latch on and bolted the door . I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of . My mind was full of thoughts I couldn 't fully grasp . From the window in the room I live in , I watched the ships make their way from the port and towards the horizon . I wished I could disappear into the horizon like that . They were making their way around the bar and towards the stairs . I crept back into my room , heart pounding . They might have been Giles ' murderers . Their being here and Giles ' death could not be a coincidence . I normally write ' drama ' fiction , but this is something very different . If I had to give it a genre I would say it 's pirate - noir . Arwen Blackgrace is a murder - mystery thriller with a few pirates thrown in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The carriage drove slowly through the streets . The sounds of screams and shouts came from the harbour . Though my hands were tied and bound , I reached them up to push the curtain of the carriage window aside . There was a fire in the harbour . The captain of The Black Prince was Byron Blackgrace , my uncle . They 'd come for me . But I was kidnapped and being taken to a man who was probably going to kill me . I reached for the handle of the carriage door , but a fist stuck me in my face . The ropes cut into my wrist , stinging and painful . It almost made me laugh at how hands bound together looked like praying . My only prays were that my family found me before Varney killed me . The one who 'd left , a stout man with sandy hair , came back . ' Governor 's boys , ' he said , ' blocking up the road . There 's no way round . ' I felt the grip on my waist tighten . He said , ' We walk . Governor 's men aren 't going to care one lick about us , not if they 've got pirates to deal with . ' A small argument broke out , but it was soon decided they would march me to Varney 's . I was dragged outside . At the end of the street I could see some of the Governor 's men blocking it off . They were all armed with rifles and swords . More marched down that street . I was dragged away from the sight . Other people stood in the streets watching . No one paid attention to the bound and gagged girl being marched along . Some people were staying in their homes and locking their doors and windows , but peeping outside . Other people came into the streets to see what was going on in the harbour , maybe to catch a glimpse of The Black Prince . I was marched to the very top of the hill , where the bigger and larger houses were . It was almost impressive that Varney owned two houses like this . They took me inside . There were only two small candles lit to illuminate the hallway . There were bookshelves filled with red and black ledgers . At other end was an armchair with a very high back . Sitting in it was Varney . He looked like he was dressed for the opera . He had his cane next to him . He pulled the handle top of it up and it revealed a sword concealed within . He dropped it back down and picked it up and dropped down it again . Varney scarcely looked at me when I came in . He was a terrible host . ' Leave us , ' Varney said . The young man left us alone in the room . Varney made no motion other than to play with his cane . He looked entirely despondent . He sneered at me . He turned to face me and the lamp by his side shone on half of his face . ' Having the Blackgraces here means only destruction and death . ' ' I was there , ' he said . ' All those years ago , when Grayson kidnapped William Blackgrace 's family . I was part of the gang . ' He said , ' I saw the sheer destruction , the death and the violence the Blackgraces caused and I swore … there was a better way of doing things , without violence without … ' He shook his head . ' I deal in trinkets that pass through this island and one day what did I find but the Blackgrace locket that belonged to infant Arwen . Of course , the merchant had no idea what he had hold of , few people do . So I purchased it from him and came up with a plan . ' He laughed , ' Giles told you Arwen had a scar because you had a scar ! ' He stood up , gripping his cane in his hand . ' We were so lucky to find you because you were so willing to be convinced that you were Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' No . ' He was very close to me . ' I was going to kill you and try to find another orphan in time . It wouldn 't be hard . This is Seastone - the isle of the orphans . You , Beatrice Seastone , are not the daughter of a pirate captain , you are a damned orphan , and you are absolutely nothing special . ' I launched myself at him , striking him with my bound hands . Varney was caught off guard and I knocked him to the floor . My hands went around his throat and squeezed . The cane struck me on the side of my face and it knocked me to my side . I heard metal on wood as he drew the sword from his cane . I rolled again and saw a flash of metal as the sword stabbed into the spot where I had been . I kicked at Varney and he yelped , letting go of the sword . I quickly got to my feet and put my hands around the hilt of the sword . Varney ran at me . I tugged the sword out and flicked it up . It caught Varney across the stomach . Blood gurgled out of his mouth . He dropped to the floor , the sword sticking out of his chest . A breath rattled out of him and then nothing . I breathed heavily . I could hear loud noises from outside . No doubt Varney 's men were rushing in to kill me . I didn 't care . I 'd been lied to , set - up . I was just some orphan with no past that 'd been tricked to make money . The door opened and a man I didn 't recognise stood looking at me . He was tall and had long , iron - grey hair . He wore all black , even had a flowing black cape . The man 's face was so stern and still it looked like it had been chiselled out of stone . He stepped into the room , not taking his eyes from me . Behind him were people who were not Varney 's men . One of them was a young man with dark - skin who actually smiled at me . I stood up to face the unsmiling man , ready to face whatever fate had in store for me . With a black - gloved hand he quickly reached out and took hold of my chin . He tilted my head up and moved it to the left and then right . It was Byron Blackgrace , captain of The Black Prince . He let go of my head and looked about the room . He nodded and the smiling man came over to me . Again he gave me a cheerful look . He took out his sword . The smiling man tittered and said , ' Believe it or not , but this is the most impressed I 've ever seen him . You 've done a good job here . You really are one of us . ' I looked at him . His gaze didn 't waver . Everybody in the room , the pirates with their swords drawn were looking at me , waiting to hear what I was going to say . I had Devon find me some paper and something to write with . I wrote down the location of Varney 's other house . Once I had finished , Devon took it away . When he came back in the next morning he just said , ' It 's done . ' We were sat around their little table . Devon 's father wouldn 't make eye contact with me . He just wiped his big hands on his scruffy green jacket . ' There 's nothing to be sorry for , Go Away , ' he said . We stood next to each other , leaning against the back wall of the butchers . ' You 'll be gone soon , I heard that The Black Prince has been spotted . ' Later in the afternoon , Devon came down the alleyway . He carried something covered over in a dirty old cloth . His face was pale . I saw him through the window and raced downstairs to greet him . It had been so long since I had been aboard in Seastone at night , I had forgotten about the sights and sounds . But I didn 't miss them . And I wouldn 't miss them when I left . I was a Blackgrace and belonged with them , my family . My life in Seastone had been pretending , a fantasy . And soon , so soon I would be with them . There were only two gates in wall around the jail . We waited by the small gate at the back of the jail . Nobody came in or out . After hours I passed I said to Devon , ' There 's only one thing for it . We 're going to have to knock . ' I banged my fist on the gate . There was a small hatch in door . A lock clicked and the hatch opened . There was an Officer looked out at us . ' Let me give you something for your trouble , ' I said to him , making it look as if I were seeing how much money I had . Instead I pulled out a club Devon had procured for me . I hit the old Officer on the head and he collapsed to the floor . I had rope on me , which I used to tie his hand and legs together . Once we 'd done that , we made our way across to the jail . There was a row of barred windows . A few weeks ago , one of them had been my cell . Devon gave me the barrel of gunpowder and I pulled the top off . I poured out the black powder along the wall just away from where the cells were . Whether or not Varney 's men escaped didn 't matter . It just had to look like an escape attempt , even if it were one that hadn 't worked . ' Run , run , run ' Devon said and took my arm . And we ran back to the gate . We got it open and heard the explosion behind us . In the pubs and the inns and the taverns , everybody was talking about what had happened at the jail . Nobody had ever defied the Governor like that . Devon said to me , ' The way people are talking makes it sound like we 're in the middle of a war . Varney 's claiming he 's got nothing to do with it , it was somebody else . There 's a price on your head , Go Away . ' ' Breaking apart Varney 's businesses . There 's been raids , lots of Officers killed , Varney 's men too . It 's not safe to be out at night anymore . Seastone 's tearing itself apart . ' It was cold in the alley behind the butcher 's shop . Devon shivered and hopped on the spot . ' And I bumped into Lydia Pryce , ' he said . ' she wants to see you . ' ' Beatrice … ' Lydia said and she came over to me . Some moonlight shone with the window . She stood in the patch of it . She wore that old red dress with the red scarf around her neck . Lydia continued , ' But that 's what he did , taken orphans under the pretence of … helping them . But he sold them , Beatrice . And he had not right to do that . ' ' He sold me to a ship , for the men to use , ' she spat . ' Look what they did to me . ' She took the scarf from her neck . I saw rope burns and scars . ' They tortured me for … their pleasure . I was just something to be sold . ' She put her hands on my arm , ' Don 't you see , Beatrice , I 'm offering you a chance you 'd never get … ' ' Of course he was . He was going to sell you , like an item , ' she gripped my arm tighter . ' He couldn 't be allowed to do that . ' In the darkness the men seemed like shadows . Lydia was hurled out of the way and two of them grabbed at me . I kicked and fought and called Devon 's name . ' Shut up , ' said a voice . I only caught a glimpse of him taking out a sword and slashing at Lydia . Her body fell to the floor . My mouth was gagged . They tied my hands together . They pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of the house . There was a carriage waiting for me . A man pushed me at the carriage and I hit the side . The slates were rough against my hands . But it wouldn 't be as bad as what would happen to me if I stayed behind . I wasn 't going to be anybody 's prisoner . I was halfway up the wall when I heard shouting from the house . I had to hurry . I reached my hands out , not worrying about getting a safe holding . A hand grabbed my foot and I squealed . I kicked out but the hand held firm . I began to pull despite the hand trying to drag me back . I lashed out with my leg and managed to crush his hand into the wall . He yelped in pain and released his grip . Taking the chance I pulled myself up and was on the top of the wall . My right side hit the ground and the pain went through me . But I had no time for pain . I pulled myself up and ran . Footsteps padded behind me . I was in the Seastone market . It was packed with people , so I could blend into the crowd . But I had to avoid the Governor 's men . One stall had a selection of shawls for sale . I borrowed a dark red one . I promised to myself I would return it eventually . I put the shawl over me to cover my hair and give to chance to hide my face if the Governor 's men got too close . Carefully I made my way through the market and into another part of the town . I avoided the main street and the busier streets and kept my head down . At the top of the street was The Hollow Crown . I took a look around me to see if there were any Governor 's men about . Seeing there were none I quickly made my way to the inn and went inside . She shut the door behind us . Lydia dashed from me and over to the window , holding on to that scarf that was around her neck . ' Officers have been watching me since you escaped … ' She turned away and paced the room . I apologised again but she didn 't seem to hear . ' But you were supposed to help and make things right … ' I lit a candle so I could see where I was . I was in the kitchen . Which is just what I waited . I soon found what I needed - a cutting knife . I blew out the candle and let my eyes become accustomed to the dark . I found the stairs and went all the way up . I found the door at the top that led into the bedroom . I slowly pushed it open . There were no curtains . Some moonlight came through the window . Lying in the bed was Underwood . I crept over , holding the knife out . I stood next to him , and then put the knife against his sensitive areas . I tapped the tip of the knife against his thigh . ' No so loud , ' I smiled . I told him what message I wanted sent . Arwen Blackgrace had been found and was in danger . She was at Seastone . ' Can you tell him that ? ' ' If you don 't sent the message I will know and I will find you . There 's going to be trouble coming . Make sure you 're on the right side . ' Early in the morning the butcher 's shop opened . The butcher stepped outside , wearing the same apron I had seen him wearing last time . It was covered in spots of dirt and blood . I approached him . The large butcher shrugged and invited me inside . I went thought the shop and lead up upstairs to where the family lived . There were five or six other children in the room . Mattresses and rags lay on the floor . Devon 's mother was sitting in a rocking chair by the window . She had the same dark curly hair as Devon . ' Well … if you 're friends with Devon … ' She found little jobs for me to do , sewing and mending , or looking after the children . It felt like been back at the orphanage . Devon stood in the doorway , smirking at me . Before I could speak to him , his mother had him and told him how worried they 'd been . He took out a small purse of coins and handed it to her . His mother looked down at it in wonder then back at Devon . ' And who did you steal this from ? ' ' Oh , I know , ' he grinned . ' So you want me to hide you out until your family comes to get you . Putting not just me at risk , but my beloved family too . ' ' We 're going to turn the Governor and Varney against each other . Their truce is failing , we 're going to break it . They 're going to destroy each other . And while they 're doing it I 'm going to sail away in peace . I waited for guards to take me to the gallows . I couldn 't keep still . I paced , or paced as well as I could in such a tiny cell . In my head , over and over , I could hear Varney whispering , calling me Arwen Blackgrace . This man who controlled Seastone had called me Arwen Blackgrace . And he had told me not to lose hope . I clung as tightly to that as a drowning sailor to a piece of his ship . The men came to my cell late at the night . Without speaking a word they unlocked the cell door . Keys jangled against one officer 's belt as he stepped into my cell . I was gently led out of my cell and into the corridor . At the very end a lamp was burning . The light flicked and illuminated a table when two of the Governor 's finest lay with their heads across the table . This was the big escape . No shots were fired , no voices were raised . Some guards were drugged , others had accepted bribes and even held doors open for me . Outside the jail was a horse and carriage . The door of it was held open for me . I climbed in and one of the men followed and sat alongside me . Thick black curtains covered the windows of the carriage so I couldn 't see outside . The carriage came to a stop . The man opened the door and stepped out . He offered a hand to help me out . I got out of the carriage slowly so I could take a good look at where I was . The house I was standing outside was towards the middle of Seastone , at the top of the hill in the district for the rich and more corrupt islanders . The man led me up to a house with a high walled garden . He opened the gate . We went through the garden and up a path to the back of the house . A door opened and I was shown inside . A few candles flickered , offering a little light . The ceilings in this house were so high , much taller than I was . It made me feel like I was in a child 's dollhouse . Varney was waiting for me in a study . He stood up and said , ' Hello . I trust you made it safely ? ' He spoke as if he were expecting for me tea and cakes . Varney picked up his silver - handled cane and rested it upon his lap . ' The Governor and I have an understanding . I 'm afraid that he has forgotten his understanding of our understanding , if you follow . ' He laughed and showed white teeth . He said , ' The Governor , like myself , abhors violence . Violence is for the unimaginative . The Governor lets me do what I do as long as I steer clear of violent means and occasionally turn in the more violent element in Seastone to him . ' There was something very casual about Varney . He spoke to me like we were making small talk before a dance . I could not imagine people being afraid of this slim man . ' When I was a younger man , ' he said , his face growing serious , ' I saw … a very horrific act of butchery . Men , women , children , all killed . ' Varney leaned back in his chair and rested a hand on his cheek . ' I swore from that day that I would not indulge in violence . There had to be a better way of doing things . ' ' I … well … I 'm an orphan , so I never … it could … ' Maybe it was the wine but I said , ' Yes . I feel like I am . ' ' I found it . Or found a man who had no idea what he had and I had a man purchase it from him . And I knew it meant Arwen Blackgrace was somewhere on this island . ' ' I sent it back to your family with the promise that I 'd deliver you . ' He pointed at me as he said this . ' Of course it 's so I can take a fee for looking after you , just so you know and aren 't disillusioned . ' Varney smiled and reached forward to take my hand . He said , ' I am going to organise a ship to get to the Blackgrace 's island . The Blackgraces have a habit of firing cannons on any ship that gets too close to them , so I need time to send further word to them and arrange our safe journey . Until then you 'll stay here . ' ' It would say it 's my pleasure , but I 'll have to deal with our Governor tomorrow and that will be as far from a pleasure as a man can get . ' He took my hand and kissed it . ' Goodnight , Miss . Blackgrace . ' He left the room through a small door and took his silver handled cane with him . Anders led me up a staircase to a room at the top of the house . He carried a candle to light our way . He held the bedroom door open for me . I went inside the room . There was a candle on the sill , lighting the room . Within a moment I liked it a lot more than my cell . Part of me , maybe the Beatrice part of me , told me it 'd been locked for a good reason , probably my own safety . But hearing the key been turned and the door being locked got my back up . I didn 't like feeling like I 'd just exchanged one cell for another more comfortable one . In the morning the door was unlocked and Anders took me down to breakfast . As we went down the stairs I said , ' Why was my door locked ? Worried about me getting away ? ' At the breakfast table , I kept glancing around , trying to get an idea of the layout of the house . I listened for footsteps and movement and noise as I ate . There was at least two other people in the house . I told him that would do fine . He shuffled awkwardly next to me as he left the house and went to the garden . Anders seemed petrified by me . I wondered if it was because I was a Blackgrace or because I was a girl . The garden of the house was large , and surrounded by a wall made out of slate and rocks . The walls were high , maybe three times the size of me . We walked all the way around . There was only one exit - the gate I came through the other night . I went up to it but there was a lock across it . That day back in The Hope and Anchor , two men had tried to grab me . One was dead , the other was walking right past me . He was a short squat man . Markus and the big bald man had tried to kidnap me and take me away . And he was working for Varney . They had known that I was Arwen Blackgrace . It suddenly became clear . Varney was making the Blackgrace 's pay to have me back . He 'd had Giles find me . He 'd killed Giles and tried to kidnap me so could have all the money to himself . His cheeks flushed red and he hurried away . As soon as he was back inside the house I took a good look at the wall around the garden . It was tall . But the only way out was to climb it . My cell was not much bigger than I was . If I lay down on the floor and stretched out I would be able to touch the walls with my hands and touch the bars with my toes . The back wall had a small window with three bars across it . Outside I could see the sea . The back wall was the only solid wall of the cell . The other sides were bars connected to other cells on the left and right . There was nothing else inside the cell except something that might have been a chamber pot . ' A Lydia Pryce was here earlier . She says she was with you these few days so you couldn 't have murdered those men . Since you never mentioned her she must be lying . ' In the dark I kept seeing the Blackgrace locket in my mind . Arwen Blackgrace had one . That would have been proof she had been found . I 'd never seen that locket in my life . Maybe it had been stolen when I was a baby ? But then , there was nothing about Arwen Blackgrace having a scar on her shoulder . I had a scar but it meant nothing . ' Sonya . ' I couldn 't tell whether she old or young but her voice sounded weary . ' They put me in here , ' she said , ' because a man tried to rob me . ' ' No , they arrested me because I tried to cut his cock off with his razor . ' She sighed , ' He was the one robbing me . Bloody sailors . We had an agreed price , he has his way with me , then says I overcharged him . He tried to take my money , so I tried to cut his cock off with his razor and he called officers . What are you here for ? ' ' Oh . I 'm sorry for you , gal . If it were my last day even I wouldn 't want to spend it with me . But it looks like we 're stuck with each other . I don 't sleep much at night . Too used to working through it . Can 't sleep unless the sun 's up . Bloody vampire , me . ' ' Me ? ' I said what I felt , ' I 'm no one . Just an orphan . Come from nowhere , going to nowhere . Nothing done in between . ' I nodded , but realised she wouldn 't be able to see that in the dark so I answered , ' Yes . I wish I wasn 't a Seastone . Maybe a Blackgrace instead . That 's a name that means something , means you belong to something - ' ' A name doesn 't mean anything until you do something . It 's what you do that makes it mean something . Like Varney . It 's not his name that means anything , but everything Varney 's done to make you go " oh shit , it 's Varney " . ' ' No joke , love , ' Sonya said , ' he 's real . Fella I 'd do the old business with works for him , talked about him too . ' Sonya scooted a little closer to the bars between us and said in a quieter voice , ' Apparently Varney 's got something big planned . ' Sonya said , ' I 'll tell you this - you know when you see a big old spider web , but you can 't see the spider … and it turns out it 's hiding in a corner where you can 't them and it 's always the biggest damn spider you ever saw . Well , that 's Varney . He 's the spider you can 't see . ' Several footsteps echoed down the corridor . The Governor 's officers stood outside Sonya 's cell . I couldn 't tell how many there were . Keys rattled and cell door opened . I didn 't know how long she was gone . They brought her back to the cell in silence . It was still so dark I could not make out whether her face was bruised and marked . ' Just be glad it wasn 't you , ' she said . ' I 've been here before . I knew what to expect . Let 's just hope they don 't come back . ' The Governor 's men came for me not long after it had gotten light . One man opened my cell and another waited behind him . I couldn 't tell if they were the same men from the night before . As I was marched out of my cell , I saw Sonya out of the corner of my eye . I wanted to say something to her , some goodbye , but I couldn 't find the words . Sonya said , ' Don 't make it easy for ' em , gal ' . She smiled slowly and sadly . With a man either side of me they led me along another corridor , not the one I had entered . I was taken to a large wooden staircase . It was difficult to climb with shackled feet . The room was a large office . At the other end were some very big windows and before them a large , heavy desk . Sitting at the desk was an older man in a blue uniform . He had thick white hair and white moustache . It was the Governor himself . I was so surprised I almost didn 't notice the other man . The other man was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to the Governor . He was much older than me but handsome in his way . His clothes were all immaculate and he held a cane with a sliver handle next to him . I looked about the room . ' Your men , ' I said , ' are pigs . They abused the woman in the cell next to me . I 'm told this is common practise . ' The officers pushed him against firmly and pulled me to my feet . They stepped back from me and Varney stood close . He turned to the Governor behind the desk and said , ' Don 't do this . ' The Governor shook his head . ' You forget , Varney - I am in charge of Seastone . I am the law and I am the justice . Take her away . ' Beatrice Seastone is wanted for the murder of Giles Corrigan , a crime she is trying to solve . She is taken in by the mysterious Lydia Pryce and young thief , Devon . Lydia Pryce offers Beatrice a way off the island , an offer she accepts , but Beatrice takes the last few hours she has to find out if there is a connection between Giles ' death and the mystery of the long - lost Arwen Blackgrace … Devon led us through the quiet streets . All the buildings we passed looked much the same . Grey and brown and white and black . It could be very easy to confuse one part of town with another . ' This Underwood , ' he said , ' is a professor . Or a doctor . Or something . His house is full of books , some of them are really old . You could nick a few and he 'd never know they were missing . But then again I wouldn 't know what would be worth stealing . ' ' Varney runs Seastone . Well , he certainly runs the bits that the Governor doesn 't run . Everything gets back to Varney . He 's probably enough of a rogue to have known the Blackgraces . ' Devon said . ' There 's a bounty on you . More than what Lydia 's paying me . ' He looked across at me . ' It 'd be much easier if I handed you over . ' Devon sighed . ' When you were a kid did you ever think that your parents weren 't your parents ? You know like , it was a mistake you belonged to some other family ? ' At the very top of the hill was a house that seemed like any other on the street . These houses were larger than those closer to the harbour and the port . We reached a black door and Devon used the doorknocker . The boy shut the door in Devon 's face . Devon stood up and brushed his knees . The door opened again . The boy appeared and said , ' He says no . ' We went in . The boy went down a dark hallway and we followed him to a dark room filled with books . Every part of the wall had a bookcase against it and every bookcase was filled . In the centre of the room was a table covered in paper . Across from it was a large red armchair with a tall back . Sitting in it was a pale man with a bald spot in the middle of his hair . He wore a red dressing gown ' You ? What are you doing here ? ' Underwood said this to Devon but he kept glancing across at me . He then stood up , ' If it 's money you 've after you can - ' Underwood stared at me . He then slowly pointed a finger at me , before retracting it and tapping it against his lips . He then turned his head and shouted , ' Boy ! ' Underwood stood up . ' Excuse me , ' he said as he rushed out of the room . A few minutes later and Underwood came back into the room . ' Sorry , ' he said rushing back to his armchair . ' Checking about the tea . We have no tea . Sorry . ' He sat down and without looking at me said , ' Blackgraces . What do you want to know ? ' It took me a second to realise he was finished . That was a lot to take in . I took a seat at the table and said , ' I want to know about Arwen Blackgrace . ' ' His wife and child had died during the cannon attack . Blackgrace was devastated , his wife and child were no more … and all because of his fury . It is said the family were killed when the Blackgrace cannon balls hit . ' ' Arwen Blackgrace was not found . William Blackgrace was certain that he should find her and it would prove that he had not been the one to kill his family . He searched for her , for years , finding those of Grayson 's crew that had deserted him … but he found no trace of his daughter . After years he gave up and Byron took control . Arwen Blackgrace was never found . ' Underwood opened the book and began going through the pages . He turned the book around and showed it too me . On the page was a drawing in pencil of a piece of jewellery . ' The Blackgrace locket , ' Underwood said . ' Made out of gold . You see the design , ' he pointed at the drawing , ' green and black gems in the design of a kraken , you see ? ' ' Ah , ' Underwood said , ' William Blackgrace had three commissioned - one for his wife when they were married , one for his son when he was born , and then one for the daughter . When Blackgrace found his wife and son they both had their lockets with them . The third one and Arwen Blackgrace were never found . ' Underwood stepped back . He looked very smug . ' You see , people tried to say they 'd found Arwen Blackgrace , but without that locket … he would never believe them . ' He sat back in the armchair , going through the pages . I hoped and hoped that he would look back up and say he 'd found something about Arwen 's scar . But he never did . He took more books from the shelves , but he could find nothing . I got through the doorway and felt a hand push into my back . It forced me forward and I tumbled over and landed on the floor . I lifted my head to see Devon burst through a door and sprint away . And now - the belated part three of Arwen Blackgrace , apologies for the delay . Beatrice Seastone is now on the run after murdering a man who twice unsuccessfully tried to kidnap her . Lost and alone , she is no closer to the truth of Giles Corrigan 's murder or the truth of her birth . . A young man sat down next to me . I hadn 't noticed him approach . He was wearing a red waistcoat and had black curly hair . He smiled at me . ' Hello , ' he said . In the early morning light I could see his pale face was full of freckles and he was grinning . ' My name 's Devon . What 's yours ? ' He took a step back . ' Look , Miss . Go Away , ' he said , ' I 'll give you it back , I just have to get you somewhere first . ' ' You shouldn 't , ' he said . He stuck his hands in his pockets . ' Didn 't you hear the bit about thief , vagabond and gentleman rogue ? ' The young man shook his head and sighed . ' Look , some rich lady said find this barmaid for me , and I said , " I could find you a dozen " , she said , " no , I want this one , so I can offer her a job in Pentia " , and I said , " well is she pretty " ? And she said , " shut up and have these coins " . ' I held my hand out . He smirked and handed the letter opener back . I held it close to me . There was still blood on it . There was still blood on me . At the top of the street was a hotel called The Hollow Crown . It was a tall wide building . It catered for rich travellers rather than ordinary sailors . We went inside . An older woman , the proprietor , I think , looked across at us , and Devon gave her a wave . He dashed up the stairs , taking two at a time . Devon held the door open for me . I nervously stepped inside . The room was twice as big as mine at the Hope and Anchor had been . In the corner was a large bed with a chest at its foot . On the other side were a table and chairs . And standing next to a window was a lady in a dress the colour of a dark red wine . She was older than me by many years but her face was very striking . She had long dark hair . Covering her neck was a delicate red scarf . ' Thank you , ' the lady said . She smiled at me , ' Please ' . She motioned to the table . I slowly walked towards it and sat down . Devon stood nearby . ' I was born here , ' she said . ' I 'd lived in the orphanage for fourteen years before I … sailed away . I now live in Pentia . I run an orphanage . ' Lydia continued , ' It 's a very different orphanage to Seastone . We care for the children , not just while they are with us , but afterwards . Being an orphan can … limit your choices . ' She smiled . But it was not a happy smile . ' I heard about what happened to you . What happened to … Giles Corrigan . ' Her fingers drummed on the table then they were still . ' With the death of … that man , I was worried your choices would be limited . I searched for you , until this … young man offered his services to find you . ' ' Beatrice , ' Lydia said . ' I very much want you to come and work for me . You can leave all this behind you . You 'll never have to see Seastone again , not if you don 't wish to . ' All times I had dreamed that I was on one of the ships leaving Seastone and sailing away … here was my chance . Lydia told me that she had booked passage on the ship , I wouldn 't have to worry about money . All that she asked is that I work at the orphanage she ran . ' To be born a Seastone is to be limited , ' she said . ' But with my children in Pentia , we strive to open the world for them , not close it . And who better to help than orphans … like us . ' The red scarf started to slip from around her neck and she quickly pulled it up . Underneath I could a glimpse of something . It looked like a birthmark , but I couldn 't be sure . Leaving Seastone had been all I had dreamed about for so long . Even if I worked in an orphanage for a year or more , I would still be away from Seastone . I would in Pentia . I 'd heard that Pentia was much warmer and sunnier than this island . But if I went would I ever find out about what happened to Giles ? He 'd taken me from the orphanage , given me a job , a place to live … and maybe a past . If I left now would I ever find out the truth about whether or not I was Arwen Blackgrace ? ' Don 't worry , ' I said to her with all the sincerity I could muster . ' I will be back . I want to leave this place . ' I shook my head . ' No . I 'm going back . I 'll take that ship . But there 's something I need to know first . Devon ? ' He looked over at me . He looked completely puzzled . ' I didn 't want to say this , but you know you 're wanted by the Governor 's men ? For murder . Widow Pryce was paying me extra to find you before they did . ' ' Then I just have to stay out of their way before the ship to Pentia this evening , ' I said . ' But I can 't go without find out about Arwen Blackgrace . I have to , Devon . ' He jumped up and said . ' We best get a move on then . ' He darted up the street suddenly . ' Come along , Go Away , ' he called . In Part One , a 17 year - old orphan and barmaid , Beatrice Seastone , is told she maybe the long - lost daughter of pirate William Blackgrace by her landlord , Giles Corrigan . He is subsequently murdered , and the Governor 's officers suspect Beatrice . While she grieves , mysterious men break into the pub , and she overhears them talk about kidnapping her … My only way out was to fight . At the very end of the room was a small fireplace and I dashed over to it . In the fireplace were a couple of logs . I grabbed the biggest one I could find . When I turned around the large bald man was in the doorway . He looked surprised as I thrust the log upwards and struck him in the nose . Blood trickled down his face and he stumbled backwards onto the landing . I ran around the large man to the stairs . I heard thunks as the log fell from my hands and raced down the stairs with me . The men were howling and moaning in pain and they were coming after me . There were a few people walking in the afternoon sun along the street . No one was interested in a girl with a torn dress running past them . But this was Seastone . It probably wasn 't an unusual sight for them . Children played in the street , dancing around the pile of horse muck . I was in the part of town at the bottom of the hill . I stuck to the quieter streets . I couldn 't help but jump whenever anybody walked past me . The men who had come for me had known about my scar , the same scar that Arwen Blackgrace had . The more I walked and the more I thought the more it seemed that Giles ' death had to be connected with the possibility I was the missing Arwen Blackgrace . Everybody thought I was living with Giles - was I the intended victim ? I found myself heading towards the place where Giles had lived . The house looked like all the others on the street , there was nothing to make it stick out … except for the broken door . That was new . It was broken from the outside . I looked behind me to make sure no one was watching and stepped inside . The bed sheet hadn 't been changed . It was covered in dried blood . I gasped . Giles must have been lying in bed , maybe asleep when he was shot . In the middle of the room was the partition . On the other side was where I had slept . Next to the partition , on Giles ' side was an open window . I picked up a little stool and dragged it over to the window . I stood on it to get a better look . The window was easy enough for somebody taller than me to reach up to and climb up . I leant out of the window and saw no footprints or boot marks on the ground . I got off the stool and stepped back . The murderer had come through the window . It would have been dark with only moonlight to go by . The murderer saw the partition and thought on one side was Giles , on the other was me . They took their chance and it was the wrong one . Mrs . Mulligan was a little old dear who spent her days looking after her cats and watching out of her window to see what everyone else was doing . She took me across the street to her house . She made me a meal while her cats clawed all over me . ' I heard it , all right . I was awake anyway , ' she groaned as she sat down at the table . ' I don 't sleep anymore I just sit out there and Winslow keeps me company . ' Once I had finished eating , I thanked Mrs . Mulligan for the meal and left . I went back to Giles ' house because it was the only place I had to go . I couldn 't go back to The Hope and Anchor . There was nowhere else for me to go . Giles ' had a place where he kept his letters along with a pretty silver letter opener . I could mostly read so I took out his letters and started looking through them . I searched for any mention of the Blackgrace 's . But there was nothing . The letters were about business . People wrote to arrange to meet Giles ' in various places , though some , surprisingly , in the southeast part of the port . That part of the port was vicious . There were more cathouses down there than on any part of the island . Everybody knew to avoid that part of the port . But in the most recent letter , somebody was arranging to meet Giles in The Tiger 's Head . I thought of the nights when The Hope and Anchor had closed and Giles had said he had to go and run some errands . He had been doing business in that part of town ? Inside a drawer Giles kept a small bag of coins . I had never stolen anything before . It made my stomach feel heavy doing it . I also took Giles ' silver letter opener and concealed it . The Tiger 's Head was nothing like The Hope and Anchor . It was louder and crammed with more bodies . The Tiger 's Head was dark because all the candles were so high up on the walls to prevent drunks from crashing into them and burning the place down . I sipped at the ale . It was watered down , but nobody else seemed to mind . I leaned against he bar and wondered what I could do next . A hand grabbed my arm . My arm was still bare after the arm of my dress had been torn off . I spun around to see a tall , wide , bald man . His nose looked disjointed and out of place . All I got was laughter and jeers . The bald man with a broken nose grabbed hold of me and pushed me into the crowd . I felt a man grope me and laugh in my ear . The people in the bar pushed me towards the door . They were trying to help the bald man . A tickle of blood ran down his throat and onto his chest . He coughed and blood dribbled from the centre of his mouth . The bald , bleeding man stepped forward and fell onto his knees . He tried to speak but nothing came out but blood . He put his hands around his throat like he was choking himself . Blood seeped through the gaps between his fingers . I 'd just killed a man . I dragged my feet . My feet began to shuffle . When they shuffled quickly enough I turned it into a run . Seastone was a port town on an island and it thrived on trading goods and sailors spending money ashore . The sailors and their captains and their cabin boys would come ashore and spend money in the taverns and cathouses before sailing to another part of the world . And we in Seastone would be left to count their money and be ready for the next lot to come ashore . A little way from the harbour was a small pub called The Hope and Anchor . I 'd been working there a few weeks , scrubbing the floors and serving the drinks . At nights The Hope and Anchor would be full and I 'd be weaving around the drunks to collect empty tankards . I made my way to the bar and put the empty tankards down . The landlord , Giles , gave me a sympathetic look . His eyes were very blue and he had a small white beard . He gently put his hand on my arm . I looked around the pub , at all of the drunks and the sailors . They had no idea who I was . If they knew then they would fall out of their chairs and go out of their way to treat me with respect . That made me smile . Last orders when taken and the old - timers shuffled out . As I snuffed out the candles , Giles took his keys from his belt to lock up . As he opened the door , I said , ' Giles , I wanted to ask you - ' He raised a hand . ' I 'm very tired , lass , ' he said . He gently smiled and said , ' Let 's talk about it in the morning . ' I went upstairs to the room where I lived . The room was small and it had a dresser , though I hadn 't much use for it as I only had a few clothes . Out of the window I had a view of the harbour and the sea . I sat on the bed and looked outside and listened to the sounds from the sea . After I left the orphanage and got the job at The Hope and Anchor I 'd had to share a room with Giles in his house . It was a smaller room than this , with only a partition across it to separate where Giles and I slept . People gossiped about the landlord taking home his barmaid every night , but it was never anything like that . Even though I had the room above The Hope and Anchor now , I still heard snide comments about living with Giles . I lay back on the bed and ignored sounds the drunken shouts of the sailors and the fake moaning of their women , and instead I focussed on the sea and the waves . I was told Giles Corrigan was a good man to work for . The girls who 'd worked for him had left Seastone to sail away to other parts of the world . There was so much I wanted to ask Giles . Every time I tried to question him it was always , ' We 'll talk tomorrow ' or ' Not now , lass . ' And when I did get him to talk about it , he never wanted to say much , just the same - ' You can 't tell anybody about this ' and ' You cannot tell a soul . If , God forbid , any of the Governor 's men should find out … The Governor hates the whole pack of Blackgraces , he 'd hang every last one if he had a chance , so if ever he found out about you , Beatrice … ' Giles shook his head and wouldn 't say anymore . My heart beat a little faster . I put the mop in the bucket and went over to the door . I took out the bolt and moved the latch . Standing outside were three of the Governor 's officers . All three dressed in identical midnight blue uniform with sabres hanging at their sides . The officer at the door had a blonde moustache . Meekly , I moved aside . Their boots echoed around the pub as they came inside . Two officers stood on either side of the pub and the third , with the moustache , sat down and took out a pipe . I winced . Seastone was the surname given to any orphan on the island . It wasn 't uncommon . The sailors sometimes left the whores with more than their coin . ' There was a break - in . Somebody came into Corrigan 's room and shot him in the head . ' A puff of smoke came from the Lieutenant 's pipe . He took it from his mouth and said , ' We were under the belief you lived with Giles Corrigan . So , where were you last night ? ' The Lieutenant looked at me and said nothing . The pipe smoke danced around his face . He took the pipe from his mouth to his hands . ' Violent murder is something the Governor does not tolerate . ' He got to his feet . ' If this is unsolved by the end of the day , the Governor himself may take a personal interest in the affairs of Giles Corrigan the landlord . The Governor does not tolerate murderers running free on his island . ' He beckoned to the other officers and led them to the door . As he stood in the doorway , he turned to say , ' I would stay put . We may have need of you in the future . ' ' The Blackgrace 's have always been the most revered pirates . William Blackgrace was the Captain , with his brother Byron was his second - in - command . William had a wife and two babies - a girl and a boy . While Captain Blackgrace was at sea , rivals kidnapped his wife and the children and held them hostage . The Captain was wild with rage . He and his brother Byron raised a fleet and stormed the island where his family were held . The rivals were slaughtered , but when William Blackgrace found his family his wife and son were dead . ' His infant daughter , Arwen Blackgrace , was never found . William Blackgrace was convinced his daughter was alive and taken somewhere , maybe to be ransomed again . He searched for years . ' ' The baby was never found . Nobody knows what happened to her . This was … nearly twenty years ago , ' Giles said . ' She was looked for , a girl with red hair and blue eyes . And … ' he said , ' and a scar . A long scar on her left shoulder . ' I was an orphan , abandoned as a baby , never known who my parents were . I was seventeen . My hair was red . My eyes were blue . For as long as I could remember there had been a scar on my left shoulder . I had no idea how I got it . ' You mustn 't say anything about this , Beatrice . ' His watery blue eyes stared hard at me . ' You cannot tell a soul . We 'd both be in danger if anybody knew . ' All my life I had felt like I had never fitted it . Not at the orphanage as a child , not as an older girl , looking after the new orphans . Not even here , at The Hope and Anchor , had I felt like I belonged . I had always felt there had to be somewhere else for me . Somewhere I really , truly , belonged . He may have been the only one who knew if I really was Arwen Blackgrace . For a moment , I thought what if he was killed because of me ? Everyone thought I was living with him ? The Blackgraces were feared - I got off the floor and rushed to the front door . I quickly put the latch on and bolted the door . I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of . My mind was full of thoughts I couldn 't fully grasp . From the window in the room I live in , I watched the ships make their way from the port and towards the horizon . I wished I could disappear into the horizon like that . They were making their way around the bar and towards the stairs . I crept back into my room , heart pounding . They might have been Giles ' murderers . Their being here and Giles ' death could not be a coincidence . I normally write ' drama ' fiction , but this is something very different . If I had to give it a genre I would say it 's pirate - noir . Arwen Blackgrace is a murder - mystery thriller with a few pirates thrown in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The girls are always asking " Who do I look like ? " The blond twin is clearly Daddy 's child . From the time she was little , she looked just like Daddy - - without his beard and mustache of course . The brunette twin has always slid back and forth between Momma 's family and Daddy 's family . When she 's with my side of the family I think she looks like Sami . When she 's with Daddy 's side of the family I think she looks like Jenny . With their Schmidt Happens t - shirts on , Clark , Brooke , Jenny and the girls sat on the fireplace hearth for a group photo . When I looked at the photo , I saw clearly the Schmidt family resemblance . The five of them could have been siblings or cousins . If I didn 't know that they were cousins , I would have believed that they were a family with five children ranging from mid - twenties to tweens . Looking at them all together you could see that they shared family features that bonded them as a group . The girls were thrilled to see the family resemblance . Sometimes they don 't know where they fit because they are so much younger than their cousins . The group photo put them firmly in the mix , much to their delight . We were settling in for dessert when Aunt Debbie came in with an arm full of t - shirts . We all laughed when we saw the shirts . She had t - shirts made that said , " Schmidt Happens . " The blond twin said she wanted to wear the shirt to school . Daddy said it might not be such a good idea . She repeated that she wanted to wear it and asked why she would get in trouble . Several people tried to explain that Schmidt Happens sounded like something else that people say . The blond twin stared blankly . It was clear she didn 't understand . I looked at her and said , " Sh ! t happens . Schmidt happens . Get it " She still stared blankly . I repeated it so she would make the connection . When she understood , her eyes grew wide and she laughed nervously . Then she said , " Mom , don 't say that . " A couple of weeks went by before I finally called about Shawnee . Her owner was looking for someone to share board . She was too busy to take care of her daughter 's horse . Her daughter was in college , so she wasn 't in town any more . Shawnee needed some attention . Our girls have been begging us for a horse . We told them over and over again that we were not going to buy a horse . Share boarding was a definite possibility , though . When you share board a horse you pay a set amount to be responsible for the horse for one or more days . In our case we want to share board a horse for one day a week . The reality is we do not have time to do more than that . It all sounded good . The owner kept Shawnee in her backyard during the warm weather . When the weather turned colder , she moved Shawnee to the barn . We arrived at the barn early . Our girls were so excited they could hardly contain themselves . They were dressed to ride , with their helmets in hand . We met her owner and walked to her stall . Shawnee let the girls brush her and pick her hooves . She let the girls saddle her . They walked her into the arena . Everything turned the minute we were in the arena . Shawnee wouldn 't let the girls get into the saddle . She bucked when her owner tried to keep her still so the brunette twin could ride her . Shawnee wouldn 't let her owner walk her around or try to lead her . The owner was clearly upset . She kept saying , " She doesn 't normally act like this . " She finally just gave up and put Shawnee back in her stall . Daddy and I talked about our visit before deciding that Shawnee wasn 't the right horse to share board . The girls were both sad and relieved . While they really wanted a horse , they were a bit afraid of Shawnee after her terrible arena behavior . It was hard to tell them that we were going to keep looking , but we are going to keep looking . The right horse is out there . We 're willing to wait for the right fit . We didn 't see it coming , but somehow we ended up in a Wii bowling tournament Christmas afternoon . We all met at Grammie 's for lunch , opened gifts and sat around talking . When Josh started writing names on pieces of paper he said , " Do you think Gramma will play ? " We said no and kept chatting . A few minutes later Grammie was pulling names for Josh 's brackets . At this point we started paying attention . Josh said , " Ok , the brackets are set . Get ready to play Wii bowling . " The funny thing was that this wasn 't the first time Josh organized a family tournament without actually asking us if we want to participate . We 've watched him do this on both sides of his family . At his brother 's high school graduation party several years ago Josh walked around asking people for five dollars . Everyone opened their wallets . At one point I said , " Why is Josh asking for $ 5 . " His twenty - something cousin said , " I don 't know . He 's probably organizing something . " I laughed because Josh was in middle school at the time . He walked around asking for money and no one questioned whether they should give it to him or not . He used his personality to organize that tournament and get the whole family playing bean bags . He set - up brackets , pulled names to create teams and kept the tournament going . He used these same skills to get us organized . It was laugh - out - loud fun for everyone . Some of us had never touched a Wii remote . At one point the blond twin played for Uncle Steve when he stepped out to take a phone call . When he came back he didn 't want to take the remote back as she was doing quite well . Josh was out in the first round when Aunt Reenie beat him . The loss went down in family history as Josh bowls frequently . Aunt Reenie had never touched a Wii remote before the bowling tournament . When he pulled her name while creating the brackets , I 'm sure he thought it was an easy route to the second round . Christmas has always been fun at Grammie 's because there were always a lot of little kids running around with new toys . Now that all the grandchildren are a bit older , the fun morphed into family competitions . When Nick beat Jake to win the family title , you can bet Josh was working on next year 's tournament game . Now , if only he 'd give me some ideas so I can practice . I don 't expect to win , but I 'd rather not be at the bottom of the family bracket again . Posted by She was horrified . The blond twin came running in saying , " We left that in case you wanted to add something to the back of the house . You ate it ? " We told them the house was lovely just as designed . We told them that we thought they were done . They told us how they saved it so we could decorate the back of the house . They explained that we ruined their gingerbread house because now there wasn 't anything on the back wall . They glared and told us to ask them next time before we eat the frosting and candies . It wasn 't extra because they had plans for it . We were both amused with their reaction . For just a moment we switched places . They were practicing their best " annoyed at you children " looks as they explained why we were wrong - - so very wrong . We 're navigating the tween world which means the girls alternately need our help and don 't want us around . This morning the brunette twin decided today was the day the girls would work on our annual gingerbread house . We 've had the kit sitting on the breakfast bar for probably two weeks now . We just haven 't had time to put it together . When they came home from church pageant practice , I told Daddy that the girls wanted to put together the gingerbread house with him . He thought they would want to do it be themselves since they were old enough to do that now . He was right , but when I said the same thing to the brunette twin , she said , " We always do it with Daddy . " The three of them sat at the breakfast bar to put the house together . They had to wait for a while to let the icing dry before they could decorate the house . During the time the icing dried , the girls decided to finish decorating it themselves while Daddy and I took care of some other chores . As the brunette twin said , " This way you 'll be surprised when you see it . " The finished gingerbread house is lovely . They did a beautiful job putting icing and candy on the house , roof and lawn . It 's their own creation , but Daddy helped them put it together . The tradition continues , which makes everyone happy . The last two winters have been brutal , even by Chicago standards . The Polar Vortex pushed people to sell their houses and move some place that doesn 't think - 20 is a normal winter temperature . We were in Arches National Park last summer when we met two of those people . They were former Chicagoans who moved to Colorado . As the husband noted , he liked Chicago , but , oh , those winters . I thought about this as I watched the local news a few nights ago . An annual religious pilgrimage to the local Our Lady of Guadalupe shrine was walked in 60 degree weather this year . Last year the same pilgrimage was held with a - 6 degree temperature . It was nearly 70 degrees warmer this year . Warmer than last year has become a common theme this year . Every day has been warmer than normal . We had one , brief accumulating snow . I do not know if we 've gone below freezing yet . I want to say how much I am enjoying this weather , but I have an uneasy feeling about it now . The weather forecasters keep talking about how El Nino will keep our winter warmer than normal . So far they have been right . Maybe it 's some kind of post - winter reaction from the past two brutal winters , but I 'm starting to worry that we 're being lulled into a false sense of security . I am starting to wonder when winter will show up and how bad it will be when it gets here . Surely we won 't go all winter without the brutal cold of the last two years , will we ? Tonight 's weather forecast mentioned a lovely 50 degree temperature for Christmas . The forecaster said that it might be 45 , but he really thought it would be warmer . If that 's true , it 's the best Christmas present Mother Nature has sent in years . We 'll take it as her apology for the past few winters . Posted by The girls are obsessed with make - up all of a sudden . The brunette twin wants to wear eye shadow . The blond twin pretends she 's not interested , but she 's always asking questions . Recently I found fingerprints on a bathroom mirror . It happens to cover a cabinet I use to store a few items , including some make - up . Underneath the mirror was some foundation that had dripped when one of the girls tried to use it . When I asked the girls , they both denied having been in the bathroom . I told them the foundation didn 't drip on the floor by itself . They just stared at each other . The funny thing is that they still haven 't figured out that they need to clean - up their messes . If the girls hadn 't left a trail of drips and finger prints , I wouldn 't have known they were sneaking into our bathroom to play with my make - up . I moved my foundation , which will annoy them - even though they will never , ever say anything . One of these days they will learn to cover their tracks . In the meantime , I 'm enjoying their efforts to be grown - up girls . Their covert attempts make ensure I 'll have plenty of stories to tell at their weddings . Our Girl Scouts troop is working on their Leadership in Action Award . The biggest step is to find a Brownie troop and work on their Journey with them . Luckily for us , one of our Cadettes has a younger sister in a Brownie troop . We were able to schedule time when we could help that troop . We were waiting for the Brownie meeting to start when I heard someone say something that could have been " Mrs . Schmidt . " I was writing notes in a loud school all purpose room and not really paying attention . I heard someone say , " Mom " and immediately turned around . Sarah was trying to get my attention . She laughed and said , " You 're not my Mom . " I said , " Nope , but it got my attention . It doesn 't matter who says it . Once you have kids you always respond to Mom . " A couple of years ago we started letting the girls decorate the tree by themselves . Daddy put up the tree and the girls took over . They loved putting up the ornaments , often analyzing ornament placement like they were painters staring at a blank canvas . Each year they take on more Christmas decorating . This year they did nearly all the work . My job was to take down the existing decorations to make room for the Christmas decor . Daddy put up the tree as usual . The girls took over from there . They created a Santa brigade in the dining room . There is a nutcracker army in the family room . Every room has some holiday cheer . I was allowed to put bowls filled with ornaments in a few places and crystal figurines above the kitchen cabinets . Other than those few touches , the girls created our Winter wonderland . They did a lovely job . They liked being in charge of decorating . They liked working together to decide what went where . Mostly they liked being trusted with the responsibility . They kept proving over and over again that our babies are growing up . We 're hosting Thanksgiving , as we have done the past few years . So far I know that my Mom and my Sister - in - Law Linda will be here . The rest of our guest list is a bit more fluid . My brother Dave 's youngest son is still playing high school football . He team has gone far in the playoffs . If they win one more game they will play in the state tournament Thanksgiving weekend . Winning means they will probably be eating with us . If they lose , then Dave and family are going away for a quick family vacation , as they have done for the past few years . My brother Steve 's middle child plays high school hockey . His team is in a Thanksgiving tournament . He won 't know until Wednesday if he is joining us for Thanksgiving . The schedule is decided as each game is played . Winners play in one bracket . Losing teams play in another bracket . How do we plan ? We plan for everyone to show up . If they do we 'll have a full house with lots of noise . If they don 't then we 'll have leftovers . Either way we 're ready for a fun day . Now we just have to wait and see who comes to have fun with us . A few years ago the girls started spending the weekend with Uncle Len and Aunt Debbie . They always come back with funny stories and great photos . Their favorite weekends involve the rodeo at Gordyville . Of course they love anything with horses , but they really like watching the rodeo performers . This year when we took them down to the rodeo Daddy and I decided to spend the night in Champaign . We told the girls we were going to see a movie , but we had a different plan . We went power Christmas shopping . I mean we were on a mission . We had a mental list and target stores . We shopped for our girls and others on our list . We had a few child - free hours and we meant to use them well . When we were done we went back to the hotel room with a lot of bags . We had great success , finding most things on our list at great prices . During our adventure we managed to wander the University of Illinois ( where we both went to college ) campus , visit a local western shop and work our way through a mall . Our niece , Mikki , was quite surprised to see us at the mall . I can 't imagine any scenario where she thought she 's see us in the mall that Saturday night . We carefully packed everything into our suitcase . A few items we left out because we didn 't care if the girls saw them . Plus , they wouldn 't fit in our suitcase even if it was empty . I was giddy . We managed to cross of nearly everything we needed to buy in one power shopping trip . On the way home the girls talked about how much fun they had . When they asked what we did , we steered the conversation back to the rodeo . We told them we wandered campus and went to dinner . They thought it was boring , but we were quite happy , even if we couldn 't share the joy . Now they are a bit worried . The girls have asked a few times when we are going to start Christmas shopping . I keep telling them not to worry about it . The brunette twin asked why I always get such a big smile when I talk about Christmas shopping . She knows how much I dislike going to our local malls . What she doesn 't know is I 'm smiling because it 's done . Posted by Every winter I start a quilting project . Usually I start a new quilt with the idea that I will give it as a gift at some point . This year I 'm going back to fix three of my personal quilts . The first quilt is a summer coverlet . My Gramma Cartwright made many of the squares . Some of the seams were splitting . I went through and fixed those seams , and then added some additional quilting to support the older seams . The actual quilting comes in when you put the top and bottom layers together . Sometimes it 's decorative ; other times it 's pretty straightforward . Either way the main purposes are to support the block seams and keep the top and bottom together . The second quilt is one I made in college . I remember finishing it while I was on winter break during college . This quilt needs a new binding . The one I originally sewed started as white edging . It 's some dirty - looking color now and is coming apart . It is long past time for a new binding . The third quilt had a completely different problem . If there is such a thing as over - quilting , I did it on this project . The middle block is a large piece of red material with white dots . I did a lot of handwork on the block . As the years passed , the fabric simply wore away on the block . There are parts that simply don 't exist anymore . I haven 't decided exactly how to fix it , but I have a few ideas . I need to cover the worn parts while still showing some of the original hand quilting . There 's one quilt project I might take on after these three are done . It will be a huge project that I haven 't quite been able to crystalize yet . I have the first quilt I made . It 's more than 30 years old . I hand sewed everything from the blocks to the quilting . My youthful ignorance led me to put too much batting between the top and the bottom . I thought it would make it warmer . What happened is the seams started pulling and splitting as I washed it over and over again . It has been sitting in a closet for a while now . I want to get it out of the closet and back into regular use . Fixing this quilt will require pulling apart the original quilt , fixing the seams and re - quilting the original top to a new backing . Part of the reason I haven 't done it before is it seems overwhelming . I always had another project on deadline . I didn 't want to start it unless I had time to finish it . When the first three projects are done , I hope to have a final plan to fix my first quilt . If I can put it all together in my head , I 'm sure it will come together nicely . Posted by When we bought the girls their bunk beds we ordered a twin over a double . We decided it would be a good idea to have a bed big enough so the girl could sleep together . They have always liked to snuggle together , whispering secrets late at night . Holly changed the dynamics when she started sleeping in bed with the girls . Now whoever sleeps in the double bed gets to snuggle with the big furry dog . Since the bunk bed has been apart Holly goes back and forth between beds . The other night I woke up to some noise coming from their bedroom . I walked into their room to find Holly spread out on the twin bed . She had her head on the pillow and stretched nearly to the foot board . Did I mention she 's a big dog ? The commotion I heard was the girls trying to convince Holly to get off the bed . The brunette twin explained that she got up to use the bathroom and found Holly spread out on the twin bed when she came back into the room . Holly wasn 't interested in moving . She turned her head so she wouldn 't see the girls trying to get her to move . I told the brunette twin to sleep with her sister . On the one hand I didn 't want to deal with Holly . It was late and I didn 't want to fight with the dog . On the other hand I told the girls that once they let Holly sleep in their beds that they wouldn 't be able to get her off the bed . Who knew Holly would eventually try to claim an entire bed for herself ? The girls and Erin share a birthday . This year the three girls plotted their perfect birthday . They wanted to take a horseback riding lesson together . This presented some challenges . Our girls are advanced riders . Erin is a beginner , having only taken a few lessons . Monday the stars aligned when I called the stable . They had three spots available in the beginner lesson . All three girls were so excited that it was hard to believe they made it through school . When they all got into our car they were electric . They all talked at the same time . Somehow they all understood what was going on in each conversation . When they finally made it into the riding ring they all had huge smiles . I had forgotten what a beginner class looked like until I saw the riders struggling to keep control of their horses . Some horses just walked to the middle while the riders tried to keep them on the wall . Some horses decided to walk when they were supposed to be trotting . Our girls looked a little bored at times since they were used to the advance lessons . Before they went into the ring I told them to remember that they have already gone through the beginner lessons . Their instructor recognized the problem and offered to have them ride bareback . The blond twin had her horse 's saddle off immediately . The brunette twin decided not to do it . After the lesson all three girls smelled . It was so strong that I kept opening the car windows to get some fresh air . The girls decided they should bottle the barn smell . They were sure they would make a fortune selling the fragrance . Sometimes I watch their lessons and forget out far they have come . I see where they are rather than remember what it was like when they first started riding . Tonight was a good reminder about how hard the girls worked to earn their advanced rider status . It was fun to go back , but they will be happy to be in their advanced class Friday evening . When Halloween falls on a Saturday you 'd expect a full day of trick - or - treating fun . We made plans with the girls ' friends for a split day . They would start the afternoon in our neighborhood so all our neighbors could see the girls in costume . They would move to Erin 's house after a pizza break . Of course the weather didn 't cooperate . It started raining the night before and drizzled on and off all morning . About an hour before everyone was supposed to arrive one mom checked in to see if the girls were still going . I said , " Of course . Send her with rain boots and an umbrella . " Daddy and Holly set off with all 8 girls when it was a drizzle . The girls ran from house to house to house collecting their treats . About 1 / 2 hour after they left the drizzle turned into a steady rain . I tried willing the rain to go back to a drizzle , but it didn 't work . Long before I expected them back Daddy called . Some of the girls had enough of the rain . They wanted to come back . He asked me to watch for them . When the girls arrived they ran upstairs to change into dry clothes and blow dry their hair . I put their costumes into the dryer . You 'd think a rainy , chilly Halloween would damped spirits , but it didn 't . The girls laughed and told stories and made plans to trick or treat some more . They sat around our dining room table drinking hot chocolate and giggling . By the time our girls and Erin arrived , the first group was warm and dry and relaxed . Brynn and Torri joined the party just before pizza came out of the oven . She walked in and made this announcement , " I 'm sorry if I smell . My dog got skunked last night and our whole house stinks . " I felt badly for her parents as she talked about how much work they were doing to try to get the smell out of their house . The girls moved to Erin 's just as the rain stopped . They were barely in the house when Erin started calling for her Dad to take them out again . These girls were on a mission . I arrived to bring our girls home in the middle of the candy trading session . The girls dumped their candy on the floor to trade this one for that one . Sometimes it was practical . The blond twin can 't eat sticky candy with her braces . Erin is allergic to peanuts . Other times it was sweet . The girls put together a big candy bag for their friend Ella , whose Mom died earlier in the week . Her Mom 's funeral was Halloween morning . Knowing that Ella wouldn 't be trick or treating , the girls made sure she had some candy . When our girls came home we immediately sorted candy into " eat now " and " eat later " piles . The " eat later " candy was frozen to get it out of the kitchen . The " eat now " candy went into a bowl on the breakfast bar . It 's the " eat now " candy that 's causing problems at this point . I keep telling the girls it 's not a race to find the bottom of the bowl . They don 't have to eat it all this week . They remind me that Christmas is coming and soon we 'll be overloaded with those treats . It was so much easier when they were little and didn 't try to figure out a way around everything I said . On the one hand you have to admire the logic . On the other hand , " outwit Momma " is an exhausting game , even when they have a point . We were at Grammie 's when the blond twin started texting . I told her I wanted to look at her device . One of the rules we established when they opened their birthday presents was that we could look at their phones anytime , anywhere . The blond twin balked . She didn 't want to show me her phone . There wasn 't a time when I thought she was really doing anything wrong . I just wanted to establish that I meant that we might look at their devices when we wanted . The blond twin fought me for about 10 minutes before giving me her device . I waited while she entered her password to unlock her screen . I swiped her screen , read her text messages , asked a few questions and handed her the device . She glared at me and put it in her pocket . As we drove to piano lessons , the blond twin played with her mobile device . I asked her if she learned her lesson about handing me her device upon request . She didn 't say anything . I asked if she would fight with me about it next time . She smiled and said , " Probably . " I laughed because I knew the answer before I asked the question . She 's a strong - willed child , but I 'm still her Momma . She 'll fight me just to prove the point that she 's not happy about letting me go through her device . In the end she 'll give it to me , but she won 't be happy about it . I knew this was going to be a rough work day . I looked at my schedule and decided today was a day for comfort clothes . Some people have comfort food . I have comfort clothes . It 's one of the best parts of working at home . Unless I 'm planning to go out , no one really sees what I wear when I work or walk Holly . Today 's comfort clothes included my Chicago Blackhawks fleece pants and a Coldplay t - shirt . As expected , it was a rough day . I thought the worst was over when I finished a high profile town hall . I was walking Holly when a friend called . Did I hear that Lisa died ? Her daughter received a text message from Ella , Lisa 's daughter . She was wondering if I heard any news . I told her I hadn 't heard , but I 'd call someone else for confirmation . No one was surprised that Lisa died . She had been very sick with brain , bone and liver cancer . It was her second bout since declaring victory over stage IV breast cancer a few years ago . We knew it was coming . It didn 't make it any better . As soon as the girls walked in from after - school band practice they started crying , They told me Ella 's mom died . Between their tears they said they heard about it in band class . Ella texted someone who shared it with the class . They cried during class . They cried in other classes when friends asked if it was true . They cried after school back in the band room Ella has been to our house and hung out with our girls for years . I think their tears were a sign of their fears as well as for Ella 's loss . The girls knew Lisa 's cancer returned . They talked to Ella about it from time to time . No matter how mature they seem , our girls are still little girls afraid that something will happen to Momma or Daddy . It 's one thing for a parent 's death to be a vague fear . It 's another thing for a friend 's parent to die . It 's going to be a hard life lesson for the whole school as they grieve for Lisa , face their fears and learn to go back to being sixth graders . There aren 't any comfort clothes that can make it easier . We 'll all have to work through it together . Posted by When I picked up the girls from the Fall Mixer , they ran up and started whispering in my ears . I didn 't understand them at first because they were speaking at the same time . It was like bees buzzing rather than words I understood . I left the building with the girls and their friends . Once outside they told me some 8th grade girls were twerking and some boys were paying the girls to twerk . All four girls were horrified . On the one hand I was angry that none of the adults chaperoning the mixer stopped the inappropriate dancing . On the other hand I was happy all four girls were horrified by the behavior . If nothing else , they do absorb the lessons we share about appropriate behavior . I couldn 't wait to tell Daddy that they were listening when we talked about appropriate behavior and how we wanted them to act . It 's always good to know that they internalize the right messages and live them when we 're not around . The girls ' band teacher asked for parents to help measure the kids for their band uniforms . I volunteered to go and asked Grammie to join me . The teacher needed teams of two so one person would measure and the other would write the information . I told the girls I asked Grammie because she has such nice handwriting . I thought they 'd crack a joke about my messy handwriting . Instead , they said , " Plus , Grammie is too short to measure the kids . They are all taller than her . " If there is one thing we 've learned not to do , it is open the brunette twin 's closet or dresser drawers . Bad things happen when I go into her room and peak " under the covers " so to speak . From the surface it looks like any other tween girl 's room with a little mess here and there . When you open the closet , though , it 's like something from a television sitcom . There are floor piles and empty hangers and overloaded shelves . The empty hangers remind me that she has a lot of clothes , just not in her closet . Neither Daddy nor I go into her closet without sending a warning . In one now - famous moment , the brunette twin cleaned her dresser . She showed it off with pride . I looked towards her closet . She smiled , put her hand on my chin to turn my face back to her dresser . She smiled and said something like , " Let 's focus on the positive shall we ? " I read a magazine article once in which a psychologist responded to a reader 's letter . The woman was frustrated that her teenage son 's room was always a mess . She said it drove her crazy that it was so disorganized at home , while being such a steller student . The psychologist noted that she worried about kids who were too organized at home and school . She said that kids needed a place to let down their " perfect " shield and just be kids . She told the mother to back - off if the mess wasn 't affecting his schoolwork or social life . I 've tried to keep that in mind as the brunette twin figures out how to navigate middle school . As long as she maintains some semblance of order on the surface , I don 't open her closets nor to I look in her dresser drawers . Eventually I will enforce some order , but for now her room is her sanctuary . Cross country girl ends the season Today was the conference meet for the cross country team . The blond twin did well , probably matching her personal best . She came home glowing about her performance . If I was honest with myself , I 'd admit how surprised I was that she loves cross country at the end of the season as much as she did at the beginning . I thought somewhere about the fourth week she 'd start to fade , but she didn 't . She came home from every practice and meet exhilarated . For the blond twin , there was nothing like being on a team . She loved being part of the group . She loved the camaraderie , the work and the competition . It was a wonderful way for her to find her Jr . High place . After the meet we went to dinner with some friends . One of their daughter 's was celebrating her birthday . We sat around a big table eating and laughing and singing . If there was a more perfect way for the cross country girl to end her season , I couldn 't think of it . I was upstairs staring at yet another stained shirt when I decided it was time to keep a bottle of stain remover upstairs . Even if a few hours went by before we made it downstairs , the stain would dry and set . The next time we went to the store we bought some stain remover . We 've used it about every day since then . I haven 't figured out why this is the year of stained clothes , but it is certainly shaping up that way . Tonight at dinner I stared at the table cloth and napkins . I always thought that as the girls grew older things would get cleaner and we 'd stop spending our time cleaning up so many messes . It has gotten better , although we haven 't achieved the level of clean I hope for yet . Rather than worry about it anymore , we simply bought one more bottle of stain remover . At this point we 're never more than a few steps from the magic that keeps our clothes and linens looking good . I realize it 's overkill , even as I wonder if we need a bigger bottle near the dining room . We decided to go bowling for the girls ' twelfth birthday party . After the invitations went out the girls started talking about bowling and teams and party favors . They were so excited about bowling with their friends and cousins . As everyone arrived at the bowling alley the girls stopped planning teams . Uncle Dave , Aunt Sue - Sue , Nick and Josh arrived with bowling balls and shoes in special cases . It turned out that bowling was serious business for those four . Somehow Sami missed the bowling bug , even though she was pretty good at trash talking the games . While the rest of us tried to crack 100 points , Uncle Dave , Aunt Sue - Sue , Nick and Josh were making friendly wagers with every frame . They trash talked every frame like it was the final game of the Stanley Cup finals . Every There wasn 't a moment when they weren 't battling like there was a big , shiny trophy waiting . It was hysterical from the first frame to the last . Eventually Jake and Zack joined Uncle Dave 's lanes . It really ramped up the volume when they arrived . The girls and their friends laughed at their bowling and at what happened in the next lanes . They giggled as they slammed the ball down the lane . I 'm not sure the ball really rolled as much as it bounced . Everyone had fun bowling and eating cake and trash talking . It was a fun , entertaining afternoon filled with family and friends . It was a perfect way to start their 13th year . Posted by The girls share a birthday with their friend , Erin . Yesterday after school , our girls , Erin and her sister waited to be picked up in front of the school . Our girls told Erin they were waiting for me . When their Mom arrived , she told our girls that she was taking us home . Erin was confused , but that was part of the plan . On the way home they pulled into a pizza parlor . Erin 's Mom picked up a cheese pizza . It wasn 't until they pulled into Erin 's driveway that our girls told her they were going to hang out for a bit and celebrate their birthday . It was a fun surprise for Erin . Daddy brought Mariano 's cupcakes home . These beautifully decorated treats were huge . Daddy and I split one after dinner . The girls just took a bite and declared they were full . When they were packing their lunches , they asked if they could take the cupcakes to school . I told them the cupcakes were so big that they didn 't need sandwiches and the cupcakes . They could just take the cupcakes and some fruit for lunch . They stood in stunned silence . Cupcakes for lunch ? The brunette twin asked twice because she couldn 't believe I offered that option . The girls turned twelve today . They woke up early today because they were so excited . We snuggled for a while talking about the day they were born . I 've told them the story dozens of times , but they still ask to hear it on their birthday . The girls are lovely young ladies . The brunette twin is about 5 ' 6 " tall with a shy smile . The blond twin is about 5 ' 4 " with deep blue eyes . They are going through all the normal middle school growing pains and enjoying their new - found interests . As I told them the story about the day they were born , I told them I remembered every detail of that day . I remembered calling Uncle Dave in a panic , asking him to put the baby seats in the car as we raced home from our downtown jobs . I remembered the first time we held each girl . I told them about calling everyone to announce their arrival . It all came back like it was yesterday . Before we started our day , the brunette twin said , " Let 's play butterflies . " It 's a game we played when they were very young . We went around and around telling our butterfly story . As the girls talked , I sensed their butterfly joy and their growth . The butterfly stories were a bit more sophisticated and detailed . It was one more sign that the girls were both our babies and sophisticated 12 year olds at the same time . It was a lovely way to anchor their past and present as we started their birthday celebrations . When the blond twin said she wanted to run cross country , we said , " Ok , that 's fine . " Truth be told we were a little surprised . She never expressed any interest in running before . We encouraged the girls to try new things in middle school and this was the blond twin 's choice . Her first meet she came home exhilarated . She came in 47 out of nearly 500 middle school runners . She couldn 't stop talking about every aspect of the meet from the bike rider marking the forest preserve path to the kids flopping to the ground as they crossed the finish line . She talked about the bus ride to and from the meet . She called Grammie to tell her all the stories . Her second meet , the day after the first meet , was a bit harder . We kept telling her that back - to - back meets were harder than she might have expected . It rained just before the meet , so we all kept waiting to find out if the meet was cancelled . When we learned that the meet was happening the brunette twin and I jumped in our car and drove to the meet . The blond twin did well , but not as well as her first meet . She was as excited as she was after the first meet , though . We encouraged her to put it in perspective and get ready to practice the next day . She talked about how she was going to train for her next back - to - back meet . The middle school cross country season is short . The blond twin is already looking forward to next year when she will take the lessons she learns this year and strengthen her skills . Given her competitive spirit , we 're sure she 'll continue to improve her skills and time . She 's a girl who gives it her all when she really wants to do well . There 's a point in our church service when the acolytes stand behind our priest as he prepares communion . It 's usually a funny moment as the acolytes tend to get fidgety while the priest performs the solemn ritual . Sometimes they yawn or sway or roll their eyes . As a parent , you cross your fingers that your child won 't do that in front of the entire congregation . Every time our girls are acolytes , we remind them that they cannot yawn or look bored . We tell them to pay attention and stay engaged . It 's hard for them as the ritual just seems to go on and on as they stand quietly in the back . They are very good girls , but they are still just 11 . Sometimes I manage to make eye contact with the girls when they are acolytes . At first I 'd smile at them and they 'd smile back . For a while now I 've upped that moment to make a funny face or blow them a kiss . I know they 've seen me because they react with a smile or look at each other . Once in a while they laugh into their hands . The reason I can do it is that we sit in the back pew . No one can see me blow them kisses or make a funny faces . It 's a private moment between us that brings a smile to their faces and let 's them know we are with them . The girls were messing around in the kitchen , teasing each other about something . The blond twin said , " Don 't worry . I 'll make sure she doesn 't mess up . I 'm older after all . I 'll take care of her . " I just laughed . Suddenly the girls are my co - editors , with strong opinions about what can go on the blog and what cannot . They don 't realize they are basically ghost writing their own story . Posted by The blond twin had her braces put on Monday afternoon . She was so excited to finally have her braces . She was stoic in the dentist 's chair . She sat with her mouth wide open , never even moving until they told her that they were done . She glowed from the moment she looked in the mirror . She couldn 't stop smiling to show off her braces . She ran to show Daddy her new hardware . The brunette twin squealed when she say her twin . They quickly talked to each other about the process , often talking over each other and answering each other at the same time . We brought home numerous papers about how to take care of her braces . There were diagrams about flossing and brushing . There were instructions about how to handle small problems . There was a list of forbidden foods from popcorn to nuts to caramels . As soon as we read the forbidden foods list , I immediately wanted some of those items . When the blond twin talked about how much she 'd miss popcorn - - one of her favorite snacks - - I could smell movie theater popcorn . When she tried to figure out whether or not she could eat pizza if she wasn 't supposed to eat the crust , I tasted cheese pizza with olives . ( She can eat pizza , just not the crunchy crusts . ) I know , I 'm a terrible mom . I should have been supporting the blond twin , but every time she mentioned a forbidden food I wanted some . Tuesday I grabbed a handful of nuts and ate a few potato chips . I managed to avoid making popcorn , even though it sounded like a good idea . The calls started coming in early . Are we still going downtown ? There 's a chance of rain ? I said we were going and I had a thunderstorms rain plan . What I didn 't have was an off - and - on - drizzle - all - day - plan . We planned our Girl Scout troop tour to coincide with the Chicago Dancing Festival . We would finish two badges with one day exploring Chicago . It wasn 't raining when we left our house , but it was drizzling again when we walked out of the parking garage . We started our tour talking about Aqua before heading to the New East Side . Throughout our adventure it would drizzle , stop , drizzle again and stop again . We managed to seek shelter when needed , but we kept going and going and going . We toured the New East Side , talked about how Millennium Park was built over a train station and watched people enjoying the Bean . We went to an art exhibit at the Cultural Center , which the girls described as " PG - 13 and we 're only 11 . " The exhibit did include some racy images and one painting with the Confederate flag and a KKK hanging . We talked about all of it before heading down to see the Tiffany Dome . We talked about not staying for the Chicago Dancing Festival , but the mobile device weather apps indicated the rain would pass before the dancing started . We met some friends who came down just for the Chicago Dancing Festival . The adults set - up the area while we sent the kids to play ball on the Great Lawn . Luckily for us , Christina brought a huge tarp to place on the ground so the kids would stay dry . Of course , it drizzled as we set - up the space , but we were sure it would stop . We ate our picnic dinner , chatted about the day and opened our umbrellas . The drizzle just didn 't seem to want to end . When the show started the announcer said , " Welcome lovers of dancing in the rain . " We all laughed . When the drizzle finally stopped , it was a lovely , foggy evening . Our girls and their Girl Scout troop sat giggling with their friends Anna , Erin and Jahee . They giggled at the male ballet dancers costumes and decided one dance was " PG - 13 . " I don 't know how PG - 13 became the go - to phrase for them , but they all laughed when they said it . When the drizzle turned to light rain , the adults decided enough was enough . We were tired of the off and on drizzle . When we realized the Chicago Bears game was going to end about the same time as we 'd be leaving the Chicago Dancing Festival , we knew we had to leave soon . No one wanted to sit in traffic after a long , drizzly day . We packed up to go over the girls ' objections . It was their protests when we left that made the day so fun . Their young spirits meant that they didn 't care about the drizzle . They were together having fun and that was all that mattered . When they talk about the outing , they will talk about everything except the drizzle . The rain didn 't dampen their spirits and it won 't dampen their memories . Our girls desperately want mobile devices for their birthdays . They used to say they wanted a phone , so we gave them an old flip phone Daddy wasn 't using anymore . It was still active , so they could call us if they needed . This , of course , was not what they had in mind . Still , every time they leave the house I ask them if they have their phone . They carry it , but with the shame that comes from having an old flip phone . I , on the other hand , like my old flip phone . All I want to do is have a device so I can make calls and receive them . My flip phone days came to an end recently when we decided to buy the girls mobile devices for their birthday . By the time you get the family plan , we might as well all be on it with new devices . I joined the mobile device world . Now the goal is to keep it a secret for a bit longer . We 're going to give them their birthday presents early , but not quite this early . Yesterday I forgot that my new device was sitting on a cabinet next to my desk . The brunette twin walked right by it and I held my breath . I was sure she 'd notice it . I waited for her to ask about the new device . Daddy suggested we tell the girls my flip phone broke and I got a new phone , so I had a back story . I just didn 't want to use it . She walked right by the device . She didn 't even notice it . She kept talking as she walked into the kitchen . I quickly grabbed the device and put it under my computer stand . I followed her into the kitchen as if nothing happened . The good news was that nothing happened in her world . She kept talking about speech class . I kept asking questions . The secret was safe for one more day . It 's an ongoing battle in our house . Why won 't we buy them a horse ? Why can 't we afford to buy a horse ? Are we poor ? There are lots of reasons we won 't get a horse from time to money . I always tell the girls that horses live a long time . I ask who will take care of their horses when they go to college ? They respond with " We 're taking our horses to college with us . " Ah , the logic of tweens . Recently we said , " When we 're old you 'll be glad that we saved for retirement instead of buying you horses . If we don 't save for retirement , we 'll end up living in your basements . We 'll stay with one of you for a while and then move to the other house . " The girls laughed and started whispering . The brunette twin said , " You can live in my shed . I 'm going to have a horse barn with a shed . You can live in the shed and take care of my horses . " I 'll give that girl credit . She has a single - minded focus that will take her far some day . It won 't convince us to buy her a horse , but it will serve her well as she achieves her life goals . Last Spring I saw an event in the local park district brochure called " Music Mixer . " It was a Friday evening activity for fifth through seventh graders . I immediately knew the girls would want to go . They have been talking about school dances for years now . They want nothing more than to go to a mixer with kids from a bunch of schools . The Music Mixer wasn 't a dress - up and dance event as much as a safe , fun place for kids their age to hang out . Summer passed and I forgot about the Music Mixer . One day the girls came home so excited they were about to burst . They received a handout about the Music Mixer , which took place the next evening . Even better , they gave other friends the handouts since those girls didn 't receive one in class . I went online and found the information . I emailed their friends ' parents information about the event . We made plans for the girls to go together . The girls were set . For the next 24 hours , all they could talk about was the mixer . They discussed outfits , hair , shoes . They knew it wasn 't fancy , but they spent as much time as they would have for a formal dance . When I dropped off the girls I spent some time catching up with other parents . Our school district has two elementary schools feeding into one middle school . Some of the parents from the other elementary school hadn 't seen our girls for several years . No one could believe how grown - up our girls looked . Even as all the kids get older , our girls seem just a bit older than their peers . Maybe it 's because they are so tall or because they have such lovely , long hair . Whatever it is , we hear " they can 't be 11 years old " often . The girls were waiting when I arrived after the mixer . They all talked at once , which made me laugh . I hardly understood them until I said , " Ok , would you do it again ? " They all said yes . The brunette twin summed up the event by saying , " After the initial awkwardness it was really fun . " I smiled . A middle school mixer should be a sweet combination of awkward and fun . Posted by This year the girls are taking the bus to and from middle school . Some parents debated about whether they should drive their kids to school every day or put them on the bus . It was a decision for many families because we all lived too close for free bus service . In our school district if you live 1 . 5 miles from school the bus is free . We live 1 . 2 miles from school , so it cost us $ 200 per girl . It is only the second school day and I already love the bus . The girls ' bus stop is four houses away from us . The girls practically ran there this morning they were so excited to go to school . The bus , though , really makes my day easier . I heard over and over again that drop - offs and pick - ups at the middle school were time consuming activities . Some parents reported getting to the middle school about an hour before dismissal to get in line . All parents reported that it was a mess every day . I know myself well enough to know that I couldn 't do it every day with everything else going on . Maybe if I didn 't work full - time I 'd have the flexibility to schedule the school run every day . Maybe if Holly didn 't need her walks I could spend mornings waiting to drop - off our girls . Plus , I really don 't have the patience to deal with the daily mess . As I paid for the bus service I started second - guessing myself . It was a lot of money for something that we didn 't really need . Then I started thinking about the hassles involved with daily drop - off and pick - up . In the end it was easy to pay the fee . Given how much the girls like taking the bus already , it was the right decision for all of us . The day before the first day of middle school was a mix of nerves and excitement . We knew we were going to be on vacation the week before school started so we had nearly all the required school supplies in the house . From backpacks to shorts with an eight inch inseam to two - inch binders , everything was waiting to be packed . The girls were so excited to start middle school that they could hardly sleep the night before the big day . Their backpacks were waiting by the front door . Their clothes were waiting on their dressers . They worried about everything from class schedules to friends to homework to lockers . We waited at the bus stop with nervous anticipation . They worried about taking the bus , which they hadn 't done in many school years . They worried about getting lost in the big , new school . They promised each other they would stick together . As soon as they got on the bus , I made a wish that they would have a good first day . It was only a partial day as the school brings the sixth graders in to help them find their classrooms , learn how to use the lock , explain the rules and let them start to transition to middle school . They nearly ran down the block after school . They were so excited that they started yelling the big news as they ran up the driveway . Their core friends were in all their classes with them . And , the girls were in all the same classes , except one . They hoped to be in one or two classes with their best friends , but it was so much better than they could have imagined . After a few minutes I had to stop the conversation and told them that only one girl could talk at a time . They were so happy and excited . They kept opening and closing their locks just to prove they could do it . They went from topic to topic to topic so quickly that I could hardly keep up . It was glorious . They went from frightened little girls to confident middle schoolers in just a few hours . All their fear was gone . They were confident that they would rock middle school . It didn 't take long before I was on the phone inviting the other girls over to our house . They all talked at once , sitting at the dining room table eating snacks and reading the school policies . They laughed at some rules and asked questions about others . They made plans to study together . They discussed what they were wearing to the first full school day . They were happy , happy girls . Oh , I know that some of the glow will fade as the homework piles on . For now we 'll enjoy the excitement . It 's a great way to start the next chapter of their education . The blond twin needs braces . We had a consultation today with an orthodontist we really liked . After a lengthy discussion we decided to move forward and get the process started . The blond twin couldn 't help herself . She was so excited that she just bubbled over . When she came home she told Daddy all about her appointment from meeting the nurse to having impressions taken . She nearly bounced off the couch she was so happy . Right now it looks like this will be nearly a three year process . I 've never seen a kid so excited to have braces . I really hope she 's as excited throughout the process as she was for the first visit . It will make the whole thing a lot easier on everyone . We went to Florida last week for a final summer trip . We decided to drive , which made this the longest driving trip to date . We drove down to Macon , GA the first night . The GPS couldn 't find the hotel , so we drove around for a bit thinking it must be " around here somewhere . " When we called the hotel the clerk gave us a different address , which sent us into a remote area . We called again to ask if we were going the right way and she said , " Just follow the GPS . " The resort was quite nice . After two long days in a small vehicle , we couldn 't wait to get into the pool . We woke up the next morning and headed to Epcot . It 's not my favorite Disney park , but the brunette twin loves a ride called " Test Track . " We had a fun time and everyone was tired when we made it back to the condo . The same night the blond twin woke up violently ill . Florida is very hot and humid in August , as you 'd imagine . We tried to stay hydrated through the day . When the blond twin became ill , we weren 't certain we did a very good job . Let 's just say it was a long night during which Momma and blondie spent a lot of time together . The next day we planned to go to the Magic Kingdom . The blond twin felt so much better that we headed off as planned . She joined me for a couple of turns on Space Mountain . All was well until the evening 's end when Momma didn 't feel well . I took my turn being violently ill that night . Just like the blond twin , I felt fine the next day . We had a quiet Thursday planned , which worked well for all of us after two fun days and two long nights . Aunt Linda , Julie , Sandy , Riley and Luke came by to join us in the pool . Later Thursday afternoon the girls took " mermaid lessons " at the resort . They put on a monofin and swam like mermaids . The brunette twin summed up the experience by saying , " Being a mermaid is hard . My arms are tired . " I thought we were done , but Thursday evening the brunette twin became ill . She had it worse than her twin or Momma as we were driving back towards home when she woke up Friday . She wasn 't feeling great when she got into the car , although the more she slept , the better she felt . We spent Saturday at Cumberland Falls in Corbin KY . It 's a gorgeous state park with a beautiful waterfall . We hiked a bit , watched some boaters try to get close to the falls , saw bear tracks and admired a persistent fisherman . After a day exploring the town , we went back for dinner at the Riverview Restaurant . We walked by the falls again to see it at night . It was a beautiful way to spend a day . Daddy woke up Sunday not feeling well . He spent the entire drive home feeling terrible . He spent all day today trying to recover . While we might blame the previous illnesses on the Florida heat or some kind of bug , his illness seems to be food poisoning . Still , to a person we 'd say we had a fun vacation , which seems strange to me . How could it have been so much fun when we were all sick at some point ? I guess it is all in your point of view . Ours happens to lean towards the sunny side . We 've been travelling with our girls since they were infants . As they grew older , they asked to help . We 'd tell them which clothes they needed and they 'd get out stuff . Sometimes we 'd put stuff back when they were sleeping and get out what they needed . As they got older , we started giving them lists . We 'd tell them how many outfits they needed and provide some direction about short or long sleeves and pants or shorts . They 'd pull things together in outfits and we 'd sort through things to make sure they fit / matched / etc . Now we just give the girls lists and let them pack . We don 't even look at what is going into the suitcase . We tell them to get their toiletries and they know what they need . This was the plan , of course . We wanted them to be independent and responsible . There were times when they were younger that we didn 't think we 'd ever get here , but now that we are it makes vacations a whole lot easier . This summer our girls are easing into greater independence . Sometimes it comes in the form of a request to walk here or there by themselves . Other times it comes when they announce they 've done this or that in the house without being asked . By far the hardest part of this new independence is teaching them to cook . It 's not the constant worry that they are going to set our house on fire . I 'm sure I 'll worry about that long after they have their own houses . It 's the mess they make while cooking and the mess they create when they clean - up . Today the girls decided to make pancakes . As the blond twin poured the pancake mix from the box , she managed to hit the bowl , floor countertop and stovetop . I just stood there , wide - eyed at her ability to get pancake mix in so many places when she 's standing an inch from the bowl . The brunette twin saw me staring and said , " Mom , maybe it 's best not to watch . " She sent me outside with my laptop to work , telling me it was a beautiful day to work outside . They finished their pancakes , which made me wish I hadn 't already eaten breakfast because the pancakes smelled so good . The blond twin came outside to tell me they were done and the kitchen was clean . The brunette twin was right . It is a beautiful day to work outside . I 'm going to stay here as long as possible so I don 't go into the kitchen to see the pancake aftermath . Sometimes becoming independent person is a messy process and we 'll all be better off if I allow them to earn their self - confidence in the kitchen without watching every step . I compare it to the old story about making sausage . The end result is tasty , but you don 't want to watch the process . When the girls start bickering , it 's like nails on a chalkboard to me . It can be a small quibble about something or a major league blow out . Either way I just want it to end as quickly as possible . Sometimes when they battle I intervene to make it end . The other day the girls were fighting about something when I told them to go upstairs and put their clothes away . I thought putting them to work might make the bickering end . When they got upstairs I could hear them still arguing in hushed tones . I couldn 't stand it anymore so I went upstairs and knocked on their door . I opened the door and told them I didn 't want to hear them arguing any more . As calmly as ever , the brunette twin looked at me and said , " Mom , we 're working out our problems . How are we going to learn to deal with our feelings if we can 't work out our problems by ourselves ? " I admired her ability to counter - point my demand . I closed the door , went downstairs and went back to work . A while later they came out as happy as ever . I don 't know what happened , but I was glad they were able to work out their problems . Now , if they can only learn to do it more quickly . Posted by As soon as I hung up the phone , the blond twin raced to my desk . She calmly said , " Who did you call a jerk ? I told her I was talking about someone at work . She said , " I just wanted to make sure you weren 't calling Daddy a jerk . " We talked about the fact that Mommy and Daddy don 't talk to each other that way . I asked her if she ever heard us say anything mean to each other . She admitted she didn 't think I would say that about her Daddy , but she wanted to be sure . I was really proud of her . She defended her Daddy with complete conviction . She 's a girl who is not afraid to step up when she thinks it 's needed . It 's one of the things I admire about her . You know all the conversations about those living in the 1 % , meaning the top earning families ? Well , we found ourselves in the 1 % , but not in the way we might have wanted . Commonwealth Edison sends regular updates about our energy usage . These are supposed to inspire us to do a better job with our energy conservation . Every time I read these , though , I want to call Commonwealth Edison and let them know my reaction . Let 's just say my reaction isn 't to say , " Gee , we should do a better job conserving energy . " A really efficient home is a five star home . We 're a one star home . This means we 're among the least efficient homes when compared to other houses similar in size . Really ? I spend my days working at home with a radio on . I supposed that could account for some extra electricity use . We do have a lot of laundry , so that increases our usage . Other things I don 't understand at all . We don 't turn on our air conditioner until it 's really hot and humid . We turn it off as soon as possible We spend a lot of time listening to air conditioners cooling every house around us . Still according to Commonwealth Edison , we use twice as much energy to cool our house as our neighbors . Our air conditioner isn 't new , but it 's not that old . At the same time , our lighting uses five times as much electricity as the highly efficient home . I spend most of my day working at my computer with one desk light on . One small light . I walk around turning off lights all day . At night we just have two lamps on in the family room and one in the living room . It 's not like we have every light in the house blazing , which is what I 'd expect for the kind of highly inefficient life we lead . Rather than inspire me , I 've developed a " why bother " attitude . I still turn off all the lights , but that 's about saving money instead of saving the world . On the one hand , Commonwealth Edison has set an impossible standard for energy - efficiency . On the other , we finally made it into the 1 % . It 's the bottom 1 % , though , so maybe it 's not worth celebrating . Fourth of July fun We have some friends who live directly across from their local park district . Every year on July 3 we gather on their driveway to watch their town 's Independence Day fireworks display . The fireworks are always fabulous . We ooohhhh and ahhhh and clap like crazy . When I say it 's close , I mean it 's really close . When the wind is blowing our way , we can end up with embers floating above us . One year we felt the embers fall on us . The driveway looked like black snowflakes floated down . Early on July 4 we headed to a local Independence Day parade . We arrived to find a Daisy troop looking for sister scouts . Our girls were Daisies once upon a time , but as I watched the Daisies in their blue tunics it seemed like a long time ago . Additional Girl Scouts showed up in uniform with bags and bags of candy . We found the Boy Scouts and started chatting as we waited for the parade to begin . We always liked to watch this July 4 parade . It 's a community - based parade , so you have everything from the local high school marching band to the local funeral home represented . My favorite " float " this year was an American taxi driving with kids throwing candy out the back window . The bagpipers played patriotic music as the crowd cheered . The Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts walked in the parade , throwing candy all the way . Our girls decided to throw candy at everyone wearing a Blackhawks shirt . After the parade they told me they saw someone in an LA Kings t - shirt and didn 't throw him any candy . As they told the story , the local Jimmy John 's franchise cars drove by blaring Chelsea Dagger , which is the song the Blackhawks play when they score a goal . The timing seemed both appropriate and strange . Grammie joined us for the parade . Daddy found her a space in the shade where she could see everything and cheer for her girls . She added a cheer when the girls ' softball league float went by . At the end of the parade , the girls said they had a lot of fun and wanted to do it again next year . After the crazy summer we 've had so far it was a fun , relaxing way to celebrate July 4 . I imagine small towns across the United States held fun , community - based parades like ours . It was fun to think that we were now part of the tradition . Posted by |
Ensler pushed the door of the glasshouse closed and the sound of howling wind cut off . He brushed water off his rain coat and shifted the bag on his back . " You sure this is a good idea ? " he asked Kent . The plants seemed to tower above them , their purple - black leaves almost invisible in the darkness . Wind and rain pounded against the great glass walls , and the occasional flash of lightning punctuated the darkness . " Absolutely , " Kent said . He reached into his own bag and pulled out a glowstone . The crystal glowed faintly in his hand , a soft yellow light that was just enough to see by , and Kent 's wild grin was nearly as scary as the battle of the elements outside . He pulled off his rain poncho and tucked it under his arm . " The whole academy is shut down for the storm , and only an idiot would come out here in this weather . " " Absolutely . Come on . " Holding up the glowstone , Kent navigated through the paths . Great black leaves brushed against them , soft and leathery . They moved long , weblike vines out of the way and walked through halls filled with sleeping flowers . In the daytime this place would have been beautiful , and full of students learning about the diversity of flora that Barrowmill Academy 's master gardeners were able to make thrive . At night , they provided utter blackness and perfect cover . Kent had stolen a key from the biology office , just as Ensler had borrowed the other equipment they would need from the applied theology labs . As always , they were in it together . Hopefully this time their experiment would result in more than a near expulsion and some time in the local jail . Kent stopped in the desert garden . It was a spacious room , full of compact , water - preserving plants , and it was - of course - hot and dry . He put his bag on the ground and set the glowstone on a rock . " Here , " he said . " We 'll do it here . " " Oh will you quit with what you 're not sure about ? " Kent said in a half - laugh . " I have the books , you have the stone , we both know what we 're doing , and by the time this storm blows over we 'll have made history ! " Even in the dim light , Ensler could see his eyes glittering with ambition . " They 'll build us our own labs . Maybe a statue . " " Yes , of course , a statue . " Ensler opened his own bag . " Let 's get it done then , so that the sculptors can get to work . You know they like to get a head start . " " Ha . Ha . " Kent pulled out a large book and another glowstone . From his own bag , Ensler took out a large , heavy object wrapped in a pale blue cloth . When he unwrapped it , he held a great crystal the size of his head . It was perfectly clear and colorless , almost perfectly symmetrical . When the lightning flashed through the windows , the stone held on to it just a fraction of a moment too long . Ensler put it down , very carefully . " Kent , " he said . " If anything happens to this thing , they are going to use our skins to bind the booklets they hand out to new students to explain why they should never do what we did . " " Bah , " Kent said . " By the time we 're done they 'll be too busy offering us professorships . " He sat cross - legged on the dirt and started flipping through the book . " Bring it over here and make yourself comfortable , " he said . Grumbling , Ensler brought the stone over and set it down in front of Kent . They had flipped a coin to see who was going to go through the process , even though they both knew who it would be . Kent was the one who had the most facility with this kind of thing , the most willpower to see it through , and if anyone was silver - tongued enough to talk the universe into doing what he wanted , it would be him . While Kent looked through the pages he 'd marked off , Ensler took off his raingear and folded it next to a small grouping of cactus . He removed his shoes and his socks , and then started stripping off the rest of his clothes . " You know , " he said , " if anyone does come in , they 're definitely going to get the wrong idea . " " Yes , I know , " Ensler sighed , sitting down . " Statues . I just hope that mine is wearing pants . " He lay back on the warm dirt and stretched out with his hands behind his head . He closed his eyes and tried to center his thoughts . Another reason why he was the one to go first was that he was much better at being focused and still , which would end up being a vital part of this procedure . Kent was far too chaotic , had a mind that never stopped spinning and moving and dashing from here to there . Ensler put his arms by his sides and started to count his breaths , imagining energy flowing into and out of his body . He felt thoughts come across his mind and let them flow away . He didn 't consider them , didn 't dwell on them . After some time , he felt a hand on his shoulder . " It 's time , " Kent said quietly . Ensler just nodded and refocused on his breathing , coiling his thinking mind into a quiet and compact shape . Kent set the large crystal in front of him and cracked his knuckles . The books were open to the right pages , he knew the words and the glyphs . Everything should work . He opened a small jar of oil and recoiled at the smell . It was acrid and bitter and green , but it was what the procedure called for . " I 'm putting on the oil , " he said to Ensler , but his friend didn 't answer . By now , he should be at a state of mental calmness that would make this much easier . He dipped his finger in the jar and put a smudge of oil on Ensler 's forehead . Then his throat . Heart , then stomach , then just a few inches below his navel . Kent chuckled at the thought of being discovered at this point . Like he 'd said , it would be the least of their worries . The idea was very simple . The crystal that Ensler had " borrowed " from applied theology was a communicator , an artifact left over from a bygone age that - allegedly - allowed instant communication between two people anywhere in the world . Since no one had ever found another one , they couldn 't really test it out , but their best researchers were pretty sure that was what it did . And so was Kent . His own research over the last four years had led up to this moment , and it was only his unfortunate reputation for abusing academy property that had kept him from being able to experiment properly . That , and those pesky laws against human experimentation . He had convinced Ensler , though . He showed him his notes and his theories and brought his friend around far enough that Ensler would be willing to liberate the crystal from the app - theo offices . Kent wasn 't kidding about what would happen if this worked . With greatness , anything could be forgiven , and the two of them were about to become great . Kent cleared his throat and began to chant . The language was a lost one , an ancient tongue that had died out a thousand years ago , known now only to people like him , who collected trivia like magpies . He knew the forms of the words , and their pronunciation was self - evident , but their meaning was unclear , disconnected from the world that Kent knew , and that was vital to their success . He needed the words to mean what he wanted them to mean , and nothing else . He focused his intent and his will on the words , and poured his desire into them as he held one hand over his friend 's body and the other over the crystal . He chanted with more energy , more force , and felt his throat go raw and his chest hurt . The muscles on his arms were locked and rigid , and he brought them down until they just barely touched their subjects . His breathing was timed with the lightning and the wind outside , and he forced nonsense words out of his mouth like they were bitter and poisonous . He felt sweat run down his face and his cheeks and forehead burn . Then , with a final , gutteral invocation , he dropped his hands and created the link . In his right hand - or what he thought of as his right hand - was a coiled pink light , pulsing and shining . It looked slippery and alive , like a great serpent sleeping . It looked like something gigantic , thousands of miles away , but it sat in his palm like it belonged there . The crystal shone with a soft pink light , and Kent laughed out loud . He got up , ignoring the pins and needles in his legs and danced around , raising his arms to the still - thundering sky . " We did it ! " he yelled over and over again . [ [ Seriously , Kent , you should try this ! It 's … It 's like … I have no idea what it 's like , Kent , but it 's amazing ! ] ] " We 'll see about that , " Kent said , tearing open the envelope and looking at the card inside . Ensler was right . " Okay , number two : I wrote something on a random desk in the fourth form arts class . What does it say ? " They went through the other envelopes , Kent asking Ensler questions that he shouldn 't be able to answer . In his heart , he knew that it wasn 't scientific enough - there were other explanations for how Ensler could answer the questions , but for now it would work . He could refine the procedure later when they demonstrated it to the world . Kent dropped the envelopes back in his bag . " There you go , " he said . " I 'll have to make a few changes when we do it for real , but otherwise I 'd say we have proof of concept . You are officially a disembodied mind , with all the privileges and responsibilities thereof . " He leaned back and nudged Ensler 's body with his foot . " What do you want me to do with this thing ? " " Fine , " Kent said . " You should be able to pop right back in . It 's where you really belong , so once you get close enough to it , you should just … " He made a sweeping gesture . Kent lay back on his arms and thought about what they had just done . They had separated the mind from the body , the thinking being from the animal self . They had opened up new vistas of experience and exploration to humanity and , on top of all that , had proved the dual nature of intelligent beings , something that philosophers had argued over for centuries . Statues ? Hell , they probably wouldn 't stop at anything short of naming a city after them . Kent sat up . " What do you mean you can 't find it ? " He looked at where Ensler 's body lay . " It 's right there . " Kent stood up and then knelt by Ensler 's body . He patted it on the cheek , then pinched the arm and then slapped it . " You in there yet ? " he yelled into its ear . [ [ Dammit , no ! I 'm not in there , Kent ! ] ] Waves of low - grade panic filled the air , and Kent had to tell himself that the panic wasn 't his . Most of it , anyway . [ [ Kent , what do we do ? ] ] The rain was quieting down , but there was still the occasional flash of lightning . [ [ Break the crystal ! ] ] Ensler said after a while . [ [ Maybe if you break it … ] ] " No , " Kent said , turning pages in one of the books . " It might work , or it might untether you from this world completely , leaving you a disembodied mind with no way of communicating with the rest of us and wandering through the universe for the rest of eternity . " He turned a page . " That 's not what we want . " There was nothing in the book that would help him , but he had to do something . This whole thing had come from his theories , his ideas . By all rights , Ensler should be sitting up and having a good laugh right now . He had planned for things to go wrong , just not quite this way . He started at the glowing crystal , trying and discarding ideas . Maybe if he did the rite again , only backwards . . ? " I 'm working on it , " Kent said again . He looked at his friend 's body , breathing steadily on its own . " I 'm working on it . " The first thing I do is wait for the sun to set . It takes a long time , if you wait for the whole thing . I mean , just seeing the disc of the sun finally drop below the horizon is great , but there 's still so much light out there . Red and purple and orange , bouncing off clouds and refracting through the air . You usually have to wait an hour , maybe more , for the terminator to truly pass you by and for the sunlight to be gone for good . I used to be terrified of this . I can still remember running home before sundown , looking at the beacon of safety that was my house , all brightly lit inside and out . I could feel the darkness nipping at my heels and all the things it contained . All the ghosts and goblins and werewolves and vampires . The night was hungry for the blood of a little kid , and I ran like the wind to deny it a meal . Now I stand on tiptoe , a feeling of tingly excitement growing in my belly . When the sun is finally gone - well and truly gone - there is still light that needs to be taken care of . Unlike the sun , though , I have a little more control over this . If I had my own house , this would be easier , and someday I hope to . But right now I make do with what I have , and what I have is a little apartment with west - facing windows . The living room is no good . I put up blackout curtains , but they still let light in around the edges , tiny trickles of illumination that find their way through the gaps no matter how careful I am with them . There 's also the myriad lights from the TV , the computer , the DVD player , all the electronics that we all use to make our lives better and easier . I tried putting black tape over them , but there was still the tiniest , faintest glow - nearly imperceptible , but not imperceptible enough for me . For some reason , the bathroom was built against an inside wall of the unit . So there 's no window - just a fan to keep air circulating . The fan is no problem . It 's not noise that I 'm trying to get rid of . It 's big enough that I can stretch my arms out and touch nothing , which is what I need , and there 's nothing in there that creates a shadow . I bring a candle with me . Not for any practical reason , really . If I wanted to , I could just flip off the light switch . But this is important . This is a ritual . And rituals need to be important . An old book on photography taught me how to make a light - lock : a two - stage entry into a room that 's designed to minimize the amount of light getting in . The one I made is temporary . Putting it up and taking it down only takes a couple of minutes , and the whole thing just clicks together . When it 's done , a heavy black curtain blocks the door to the bathroom , extending at least another foot in every direction . Candle in hand , I go in and shut the door behind me . There 's a draft - snake that goes at the bottom . I lock the door . Again , ritual . The bathroom lights are bright and fluorescent . They make me look terrible in the morning , but they do that to everyone . I light the candle and turn off the lights , and that feeling in my belly grows . It 's still fear , I know that much . But it 's fear that 's been tamed . It 's been brought to heel like a lion at the circus . The fear is a beast that I broke many years ago . The candle goes on the floor , and I sit in front of it . I close my eyes and try to feel the candle 's light hitting my face , my skin , my hair . It 's sunlight , really . It 's sunlight held captive in the cotton fibers of the wick , in the wax rendered from plants or animals long dead . The little sun shines on me , and it 's the only thing in the world besides myself . The darkness rushes in to take the place of the light , it floods the room now that the pressure of luminescence has been removed . I can feel it , this absence , this great shadow , all around me . I don 't know if my eyes are open or closed , and I don 't care . The darkness holds me , it cradles me , it caresses me and it presses in on me . It clings to me , to every inch , and when I open my mouth , it floods inside . You 're most welcome . Have whatever you like . Patty ? Well that 's just a lovely name . I 'm Drake , Patty . Nice to meet you too . No , I 'm not staying in town long . I 'm on my way to a little thing in Washington D . C . , just some formal thing , you know . Ah , here 's your vodka tonic . Cheers ! Ski instructor ? That 's great - you know , I happen to be quite the skier myself . Yeah , I go every year , as often as I can . Where 's your spot ? Well , that 's okay for the weekend ski crowd , Patti , but I think we both know that 's not where the real action is . I mean , I went down Washington last winter . Twice . Yeah , no kidding ! The first time I didn 't know what I was getting into . The second time was just ' cause the first time was so much fun . You need a refill , Patty ? Okay , you let me know . Anyway , that second time I went down Washington , that kinda has something to do with this trip I 'm taking - the one to D . C . Well , okay , I 'll warn you , you 're probably not going to believe it . Hell , I still don 't believe it and I was there ! Yeah , no kidding . All right , let me see . Me and my buddy Conrad did the first run down Washington on our first day out , We went down Tuckerman , which was one hell of a thrill ride , I 'll tell you , and spent the rest of that day just jazzed up and ready to go again . But a storm blew in that afternoon , right out of nowhere , so there was no way we were going up again that day . But I tell you - there was no way I was leaving without going down the face of that mountain again , so me and Conrad decided to wait it out . Good thing too . More people were arriving for the slopes and bed space was at a premium . The were families , college kids , some businessmen , all looking for a day 's skiing and they weren 't gonna get it . Now I wanted to give up my bed to someone - that 's just the kind of guy I am , you know ? But Conrad wasn 't having any of it , since we paid top dollar and all that , and the last thing I needed was a pissed - off ski partner . It was just then that this convoy of black SUVs rolled in . Must 've been at been five or ten of ' em , and they all parked a ways from the lodge . Well , I didn 't know who it was at the time , no . But let me tell the story . I 'll get to it , don 't worry , Patty . So there we are , all snowed in for the night . A lot of people were real nervous , but me and Conrad - we 've done this kind of thing before , y ' know ? I mean , I can drop off to sleep like nobody 's business , storm or no storm . This one time I was out on a shooting weekend in Nebraska - a tornado blew through , practically picked up the whole house . My buddies were all freaking out , down in the cellar , last prayers and everything . Me ? I woke up bright and early the next day , nice and refreshed - in the middle of a field two miles away . No ! I swear , on my mother 's grave - true story . Anyway , the next day , me and Conrad decide that with all that new snow , the best skiing would be on Huntington . You ever been out to Washington ? No ? Okay , because you need to know this for the story to make sense , right ? Huntington Ravine is the deadliest part of the deadliest mountain in the northeast . Seriously , people die up on that mountain every year from nothing more than just hiking around , right ? They leave the huts , take a left instead of a right and the next day they 're found with their head stuck in a rock . So you go to Washington , you take your life in your hands . In fact … Hold on , I 've got it on my phone right here … You want another drink ? Cool - hey ! Yeah , another vodka tonic ? Cool . That yellow sign ? Yeah , basically it says , " For the love of God , turn around ! If you have anything - " No , seriously ! Okay , yeah , maybe I 'm paraphrasing . " If you have anything left to live for , go back down the mountain and life a full and happy life . " Okay , so this is - no , that 's what the sign says ! - this is a bad - ass mountain . Huntington Ravine is the worst part of it . We 're talking gorges , vertical drops , avalanches , you name it . This place - crazy people go there to ski . So yeah , I guess we were a little crazy . But just wait … . Me and Conrad get up to the top of the ravine and we 're lookin ' down , and man - it 's enough to make a strong man curl up and cry . You see that slope and there 's millions of years of evolution just waving its arms in the air and yelling , " Don 't do it ! Don 't do it ! " But you know , me and Conrad , we went all the way up there , so there was no way we 're turning around , right ? So we look at each other , and man - we don 't say a thing . It 's like there 's this unspoken understanding between us . We gotta do this . Y ' know ? We wouldn 't be able to live with ourselves if we didn 't . And if something should happen … well . You 're a skier , Patti , so you know what it 's like , right ? That rush ? That feeling like you 're just barely in control , just on the edge ? Yeah . I once spent time with these Zen monks in Japan , right ? Yeah , after I got out of college I went over there - you know , to learn more about myself ? So they talk about this thing called " no - mind , " where you - the part of you that is You - just … goes away . You 're not thinking anymore . You 're not worrying about the future or thinking about the past . You 're just here . Now . And that 's it . Anyway , sorry . Hey , thanks , man . Keep the change . Anyway , Me and Conrad stop , and we just start laughing , right ? I mean there 's nothing we can say about what we just did , so we start laughing . But right then I start to hear a noise - and it 's an ugly noise . Kind of a rumbling , creaking noise from far off . Now I know what it is . And Conrad knows what it is . And we just look at each other and think , " Oh shit . " So we head over there and he looks like he 's in pretty bad shape . One leg 's just bent the wrong way and he 's all passed out . But we don 't have time to be nice about it - we can hear that giant wall of snow just crashing towards us . So we pick the guy up , I put him over my shoulders , like this ? Right , and we haul ass out of the ravine . I have no idea how we made it out , especially me with that guy on my back . But we did it . And as soon as we did , there were all these guys in black coats , pointing guns at us and yelling at us to get down ! Get down on the fucking ground ! So I let the guy off my shoulders , and these guys come and pick him up , and me and Conrad get on the ground . And we 're like that for a few minutes until some other guy shows up , some little tweedy guy with glasses and big rubber boots . He comes up and tells us to stand up , that we 're not in any trouble and that we had done a great thing . Yeah ? Yeah , I had no idea what he was talking about either , you know ? The whole thing was just a mess , but this guy comes over and shakes our hands and thanks us again and again , and finally we find out who it was we found on the mountainside there . Turns out he 'd slipped away from his secret service to do some skiing on his own , and took a fall . If we hadn 't found him , then … Well , things 'd be different , that 's for sure . Well of course you didn 't see it in the news . They didn 't want to make a big thing of it , right ? It 's like Carter and the rabbit or Bush and the pretzel - it 's embarrassing ! So they come back to D . C . , give the press a cover story , and make sure he 's off his feet for a while . So anyway , that 's what I 'm going to D . C . for . There 's this dinner at the White House and the President and the First Lady asked me and Conrad to come . I mean , they can 't do a whole big thing - and you know what ? I wouldn 't want a medal or anything like that anyway . I didn 't save the guy because he was the President , you know ? I didn 't even know that ' till later . I did it because … Because it was the right thing to to . No , I 'm sure your life is anything but boring , Patty . You want another one of those ? All right , but only because you asked so nicely . Hey , man ! One more round here ! Thanks , man . So how about this . I got this story about the time I was working in a volunteer fire department back when I was in college . It 's great , but you know , it 's getting a little late . So if you want - no pressure or anything - but if you want , we can finish those drinks - We can finish these drinks , and I have a suite upstairs . ! 604 . It 's nice , got a couch and everything . I can tell you that , or you could tell me about yourself . Sheldon carried his daughter into her bedroom and gently laid her down . It was late , and she had gotten herself excited to the point of exhaustion . Jenise had wanted to stay up and watch the new year come in with the adults . Her aunts and uncles were all gathered under one roof for the celebration , as they were every year , and this year she was finally old enough to understand some of what they were excited about . So she begged and she pleaded and she even cleaned the kitchen - more or less . When bedtime came around , Sheldon and his wife agreed to let Jenise stay up under the condition that she not get in the way of the adults . That was hardly a problem , though . Like relatives everywhere in the universe , hers were thrilled to see a child defying her nighttime rituals for this one special day . Her aunts commented on how pretty she was getting , and her uncles taught her simple magic tricks . Everyone had a wonderful time , and when midnight came around and the sky outside erupted with fireworks in a thousand different colors , it was the perfect end to a wonderful night . He lay Jenise down in her bed and stroked her hair . She looked like her mother in so many ways . He reached over and turned on the ceiling lights and a dim , ever - changing pattern of colors started to play across the ceiling . He positioned her head between the pillow speakers and made sure she was comfortable . New Year 's or not , it was no excuse to miss her lessons . He tapped in his authorization code in the control panel on the wall , and the familiar music of the hypnopaedia hummed out of the speakers . It was soon followed by one of the familiar educational voices that taught children worldwide . Sheldon smiled . They would have something to talk about in the morning , no doubt . Breakfast was always the best time of day , when she came bounding down the stairs just bubbling over with new information , giddy to share what she had learned during the night . One day it would be a long discussion about whales , another would be questions about past wars across the sea . Every morning was something different , and Sheldon thought about having another one installed for him just to keep up . He sat in the reading chair in the corner and listened in . After their breakfast discussion , the day would be free . They would put on their coats and go to the zoo , or perhaps a museum . Sheldon and Tari had bought her a GPS - enabled doll that took her on geocaching hunts around the city . It was education disguised as adventure , and children loved it . He smiled . They would never know the boredom of sitting in a classroom , of having to wake up early , bleary - eyed and with a head stuffed with sleep . Jenise 's nights were shared with the soft , sure voice of the Tutors , and her days were filled with learning and discovery . There was nothing better than that . He gave her a thumbs - up and she ducked out again . In that moment , sitting in the chair in a house full of family and celebration , he felt his heart swell . He was truly a fortunate man . … with weddings and other family oriented rituals . The new year is a wonderful holiday in all power to the workers . Let the ruling plutocrats tremble before our might as we rise and take the means of production and return it to the hands that built it , that truly own it . He tilted his head towards the speakers and listened in again , but the speaker was going on about butterflies , where they lived and how their life cycle worked . Perfectly normal . But hadn 't there been something about - " Honey ! " Tari whispered from the door . He turned around . She looked worried . " I think your brother needs to be put to bed , " she said . " He 's hit his limit . " Sheldon shook his head . His brother was never a good drinker , and every year , without fail , he managed to get drunk enough to need some tender care . He patted Jenise on the shoulder and joined his wife . " I 'll get the guest room ready , " he said . " Try and get the wine away from him . " Before he was in the kitchen , whatever he thought he had heard was gone from his memory . Randall took off his tie and slumped into a folding chair in the back of the parlor . The house was filled with people in black , milling about with little paper plates , warmed - over finger foods and expressions of sympathy on their faces . The casket was at the far end of the room , open to the world and surrounded by a magnificent display of flowers . No one was standing there now , paying their respects or remarking on how lifelike Dominic looked . They just chatted and gossiped and every now and then looked his way to see if he had broken down yet . After this funeral , he thought he might . He didn 't after Wally 's . Or Ari 's . But this one , maybe . Three funerals , three brothers in as many years . This might be the one where he finally got the chance to drop out of grad school , curl up in a ball and go to pieces . The crowd shifted and he saw Calvin sitting next to the casket , and Randall 's heart broke . Cal was still a teenager . Still skinny and lanky , and he looked utterly fragile and alone over there . Tears welled up in Randall 's eyes . Cal should have brothers . He should have brothers to show him how to grow up , how to become the good man that he should be . He could see it all in his head , the life that should have been . Ari would have been a model husband , a great example of how to find the right woman and make a relationship work . He and Keisha would have been married by now , if it hadn 't been for the car accident . They would have been beautiful together . Wally was the risk - taker , the one who knew what he wanted and how to get it . So unlike Randall , or their parents . Wally saw opportunities everywhere and was not shy about chasing after them . Before he died , before the heart attack , he was poised to start his own company . A risk management company , of all things . Their father was ready to put his money in , which was proof of just how good Wally was . His parents had plenty of money , but neither of them was very fond of taking chances with it . Golden - tongued Wally convinced him . Randall shook his head . A heart attack . Who the hell has a heart attack at thirty - five ? That still angered him , but his father said there had been an uncle or two , one grandfather , who 'd had heart problems young . " He just got unlucky , " he said . No one was sure if it was a blessing or a tragedy that it had hit him at home , after a big Thanksgiving meal . At least he was surrounded by family , instead of lying out in some godforsaken wilderness somewhere . And now Dominic . Randall 's stomach clenched . Dom was between him and Cal , just starting college last year . He had graduated with honors , got into Aurelius College with ease , and everyone agreed that he would probably be President someday . He was easily the most well - liked person anyone knew . He somehow managed to bring people together who would have just as soon killed each other and lead them to work together before they knew what they were doing . He never told people what to do , never tricked them or lied to them or pitted one against the other . He just talked to them as if they were reasonable people who wanted the best for everyone . Somehow , against all odds , that worked . His service was the best - attended of the three . Randall wiped his eyes . Three brothers , all of them better than him . He was studying business , learning how to be a middle - manager in some faceless corporation somewhere . He was single , and had been for a long time , and lived a life of remarkable mundanity . All he had going for him was his writing - he 'd sold a couple of short stories in the last few years and had a novel he was working on . If anything would get him out of the shadow of his brothers , it would be that . Randall buried his head in his hands and started weeping quietly . Of all of them , why had he lived ? The world wouldn 't miss Randall D ' Amato very much at all . " Hey . " Randall looked up through bleary eyes and saw Cal standing in front of him in the same tailored suit he 'd worn for the last three funerals . He was starting to grow out of it , too . " You okay ? " he asked . Randall let out a half - laugh and wiped his eyes clear again . " No , " he said . " Not really . " He looked at his brother . " How about you ? " Cal shrugged and sat down on the sofa next to him . The kid was still young , about to enter high school , and didn 't know what he was going to be yet . He played the guitar really well , and was the lead in the drama club 's last production . But he also had a thing for machines - airplanes and cars mostly . He got an old - school chemistry set from their grandparents and went through every experiment in the workbook within a week . He took care of stray animals , drew pictures , and excelled at math . Randall patted Cal 's knee , and the boy looked over at him . " We 'll be okay , " he said . Cal nodded . " I wish it didn 't have to be like this , " he said . His voice cracked , a hint of who he would be someday . They sat in silence for a minute or two . " You know who I feel really sorry for ? " Cal asked . Randall looked over . " Mom and dad . " He looked around until he spotted them and Randall followed his gaze . His mother was sitting in the antique rocker , the one she 'd nursed all five of her boys in , and looked burned out . People kept coming over to say how terrible they felt , what a tragedy it was , and she just nodded like a mechanical doll . She was already gone . Their father was a little better . He stood next to the chair , weakly shaking hands and making sure people didn 't linger too long with his wife . Randall nodded and felt the shame run down to his toes . He had been feeling sorry for himself , worrying about his own insignificance , when these two people had just done the unthinkable a third time - they had buried a child . When Wally died , they had fallen to pieces , but they vowed to be strong , to carry on in his name . When Ari died , they were confused for a while . Depressed . Their father started to drink . Now Dominic 's death had broken them . Randall shook his head . " I was all wound up in my own problems . I wasn 't thinking of them . God , I 'm an ass … " Cal put his arm around his brother and pulled him close , a gesture of kindness that drove Randall back into wet , quiet sobs . They sat that way for a while , until Randall was able to compose himself . " It 's okay , " Cal whispered . " You don 't have to be the strong one here . " Cal waited until his brother 's eyes focused on him and then leaned in . " Maybe you 're right , " he said . " Maybe you are too wrapped up in yourself . " He reached up and wiped away tears from Randall 's face . " I can 't blame you . " His voice dropped to a whisper . " Maybe you should just … go . " Cal looked around and hushed him . " Look , Randy . It 's you and me now , right ? Mom and dad , they 're in their own world now , and I understand . " Cal 's face was close to Randall 's now , and his voice was stronger than he 'd expected . He kept their gazes locked , and it seemed that Cal blinked a lot less than he should . " You 're off studying to be , what , a cube - dweller ? " He shrugged . " If that 's what you want to be , then fine . If that 's what you want to do to honor our brothers … " The shame that Randall had been holding on to flared into rage . " Now you just wait right there , Cal , " he growled . " I have a plan . I 'm doing what I want to do with my life . " " There you go , " Cal said . He patted Randall on the back . " Mom and Dad are in a bad place right now . I 've been there this whole time , I know what they 're going through . I can take care of this . " He patted him again . " You 'll probably just be in the way . " He stood up , took Randall 's arm , and lifted him to his feet . " C ' mon . Why don 't you go home ? " Randall let himself be led by his brother out to the parking lot . They passed his parents on the way out , but he couldn 't bring himself to say anything . He just stopped there and took his mother 's hand . It was cold and still and dry , and she didn 't look up at him . She just glanced over at Cal , took a shallow breath , and went back to staring straight ahead . Cal and Randall went outside , and the brisk November air was a relief after the stuffiness of the funeral parlor . Randall got into his car , but didn 't start it . Cal stood there , holding the door open and looking remarkably adult for his age . " I 'm really sorry , Randy , " he said . " I know it 's hard to hear , but on a day like today we really have to say what 's true . Not just what we think is true . " He leaned in and kissed his brother on the forehead . " We don 't need you , " he whispered . " Go home . " Cal closed the car door and took a few steps back . He leaned on their parents ' Mercedes and clasped his hands in front of him . He didn 't wave . He just waited . He was right . Randall twisted the key and the car started . They didn 't need him . And home ? A single man 's apartment , no more than a dorm room . No girlfriend . No pets . He blinked a few times . Cal was right . They didn 't need him . Nobody needed him . And nobody would . Randall swung the car around and lowered his window . Cal stood up straight . " Thanks , Cal , " Randall said . " Take … Take care of mom and dad for me . " Cal smiled , a tight , grim smile , and Randall rolled up the window . Cordell McCandlish slid into the back seat of the limousine , nodded at the black - suited bodyguard who sat across from him , and opened up his briefcase . A uniformed doorman eased the door closed and the driver started the car . The limo pulled out into traffic , flanked by two black SUV 's , each filled with bodyguards and hired security . Cordell started to go through the files he would need for his monthly meeting . He paged back and forth through revenue estimates and earnings reports , patent applications and security statements . Site accidents , hirings , firings , all the daily minutia of the company that they contained . The data was sorted and compiled and arranged so that it formed a cogent picture of how the company was functioning . But protocols had to be followed , for the sake of Cerbecorp . McCandlish would meet with Abraham Jordan , just as he had every month for the last ten years , and he would bring along all the information pertinent to the running of his vast corporate empire . Everyone knew the ritual , thus the armed escort . The information in McCandlish 's briefcase could bring down Cerbecorp , its affiliates , probably even its competitors . Indeed , not five minutes after they started driving , McCandlish heard a small pinging noise come from the outside of the car . The large bodyguard in the seat opposite him put a finger to his ear for a moment . " Just a shooter , Mister McCandlish , " he rumbled . " Nothing to worry about . " McCandlish nodded and closed the briefcase . They would be there soon enough , ensconced in the bomb - proof fortress that Jordan had erected in the heart of the city . What Cerbecorp offered , better than anyone else , was security . Whether it was physical security , data security , financial security , it didn 't matter . If you had something you needed to keep safe , Cerbecorp was the first place you went to . For all that it had been run for years by a near - paranoid psychopath , that surprised no one . What did surprise people was how the company thrived . Jordan had spent the first few years of his position as the President of the company utterly hiding - figuratively and literally - from all risk . He made few investments , subjected all new employees to a rigorous inspection and background check , and refused to leave the tower he 'd had built downtown . It was not until he 'd hired McCandlish as his right - hand man that the company started to take off , and plenty of people were very aware of that . They were also aware that the company had been going in some unexpected directions in the last few years , leading some to wonder if Jordan hadn 't finally snapped . The company 's attempt to buy out Munin Scientific , the building of a new subterranean research complex in New Mexico - these were not the kinds of ventures that Abraham Jordan would have taken . The limo came to a stop and McCandlish blinked his mind clear . A bodyguard opened the door for him , and he got out , followed by the large young man who had ridden in with him . The three of them walked to the elevator in silence . The bodyguards each pressed their ID badges to a sensor , and McCandlish stated his name in a loud and clear voice . A green light blinked on above the elevator and the doors slid open . Jordan 's suite was ten floors underground . The elevator opened into a minimalist lobby , with a simple reception desk , matte white walls and two armed guards in front of a steel door . There were no windows , nor should there be . The whole suite was a concrete and steel box , built to withstand nearly anything from earthquakes to terrorist attacks to - it was said - nuclear bombs . The guards carried large handguns and a variety of other implements of intimidation on their belts . That was normal , and perfectly expected . What was not expected was the disheveled young man who was sitting slumped in a chair by the reception desk . McCandlish curled a lip at the sight of him . Jordan 's son was everything his father wasn 't - a layabout , reckless , completely undependable . Than Jordan stood up and ran a hand through his uncombed hair . " Cord , " he said . His eyes were red and he hadn 't shaved . McCandlish was sure he could smell alcohol . " Cord , I have to see my father , " he said , reaching out . One of the bodyguards stepped in between them and blocked Than from getting any closer . He groaned , a noise that was closer to a whine . " C ' mon , Cord ! I need to see him ! " " Why ? " Cordell asked . " Run out of money again ? Because you 're not getting any more , young man . " McCandlish stepped out from behind the bodyguard and nodded to let the large man know he could stand down . " You asked for full access to the trust fund , and you got it . " He put his hands - and the briefcase - behind his back and watched the young man 's eyes follow it . " You blew it , Than . And that is not my problem , nor is it your father 's . " Than stood for a moment , his eyes locked on McCandlish . There was an instant where he thought the young man would fall over , or perhaps throw up , so he was especially surprised when Than lunged at him and grabbed his lapels . " I know what you 're doing , " he said . His eyes were bloodshot , wide , and mad . " I know what 's going on with you and my father . I haven 't seen him in years , no one has , and if you don 't cut me in , I 'll - " Than squawked as he was pulled away by the bodyguards . They held him with ease as he struggled in their grip . McCandlish straightened his jacket and looked around the room . The armed guards hadn 't moved . " Bring him upstairs , " McCandlish said to the bodyguards . " I 'll see to him after my meeting with his father . " The bodyguards nodded , tightened their grip , and hauled Than into the waiting elevator . The doors perfectly silenced his angry shouts . The guards didn 't respond , nor did they move . McCandlish held out his hands . The guard on the left reached into one of his belt pouches and removed a small device - long and thin with a small display on the top side . He pressed a button and a number appeared - 10 - indicating the place where a small blood sample would be taken . McCandlish rolled up his right sleeve to expose the randomly chosen spot inside his elbow . The guard set the device against his skin , there was a small pinprick and a hiss . McCandlish rolled down his sleeve and waited as the guard plugged the small device into a carefully concealed port next to the door . A moment later , the door unlocked . far quieter than would have been expected . The guards stood aside , and McCandlish nodded to them as he passed into Jordan 's suite . The room was white . Pure , antiseptic , disorienting white . Only the hospital bed in the center , and the attendant machines that flocked around it , gave him any idea where up and down were . He carefully stepped towards the bed . There would be a nurse here , normally . During their meetings she would leave by a different door . This was a private moment between Jordan and McCandlish , just as it had been for years . The machines beeped and hissed quietly , but Jordan didn 't say a word . He lay in his bed , slivers of white showing under nearly closed eyelids . A variety of tubes went up his nose and down his throat , needles in both arms , cables and pipes snaking all around the bed . Jordan 's skin was sallow and brittle , his muscles soft and watery . He moved slightly as the implanted rollers in the bed started their massage , but he didn 't react at all . Abraham Jordan was just this side of dead , and had been for some time . But vast wealth and deep paranoia were able to buy a lot of things , not the least of which were far more years than he had any right to . McCandlish rested the briefcase on the bed , but didn 't open it . " Your son , " he said . " He thinks he knows what 's going on . " He shook his head . " Pity if he does . I don 't think he does . " He shrugged . " But risk is weakness , isn 't that right , Abraham ? " He looked at Jordan , who didn 't respond . Who hadn 't responded to a question for the least five years . McCandlish patted his hand . " Don 't worry , Abe , " he said . " It 'll be quick . He 'll never see it coming . " He sighed and popped open the briefcase . " Shall we begin , then ? Barbeau Pharmaceuticals is asking for a cooperative arrangement . " He outlined the deal in quiet , measured tones . Abraham Jordan respired and metabolized , but did not respond . |
Here 's another picture of the neighborhood I grew up in . I remember running back and forth across that street with my brothers . It was a game , to see who could get across faster . I was really good at it . 2 . It 's taken me a couple days to get back to telling the story of my first year with the Big - Two - Legged One . You know , when I think about it , I can 't help but be a little angry . Oh , I 've forgiven her , but every now and then I have a vague memory of it all , and I get pissed , and I attack her hand or her foot , or whatever . It 's amazing she 's kept me this long . But anyway , in my last entry I told the story of how I kept wanting to have a boy cat after Hasan did The Operation that was supposed to make me not care about boy cats anymore . By the third time , well , I was pretty sick , and the Big Two Legged One was really tired . We 'd tried all kinds of tricks to get me to stop howling . There was one day , when the heat wasn 't working in the apartment , when she sat in the bathroom with me , with something I learned is called a Q - Tip , and , well , to put it simply , she satisfied me . Yeah , that 's right . My human did the dirty deed to me . Well , it wasn 't total satisfaction . I mean : she is a she . I started jumping up on her , and trying to get to those Q - Tips . I really couldn 't help it . So she called the man named Mustafa , and together we took a taksi to Ankara University . Here I was again , with another taskici saying guzel kedi , hasta mı ? ( pretty kitty , is she sick ? ) when I knew damned well that if he saw me in the street , he might kick me . You 're judged by the company you keep , I guess , and here I was with an American college professor , so the taxi drivers decided I was some spoiled American cat . HA ! I was howling all the way to the University , where we ended up sitting in a dark room , waiting . I kept howling , ignoring the picture of Ataturk on the wall in front of me , ignoring the calender pictures of cows and horses on the other walls . The BTLO noticed them , though , and I 've heard her mention them when she tells this story . That and the farmer waiting with us ; his cow was outside the building , grazing . Then he came in : the man who would change my life . His name with Mustafa Un . He was dressed in a long white lab coat , and followed by a litter of veterinary students . The BTLO seemed really happy when he spoke English . She told the story of all the stupid Operations I 'd had , in just a six month period , while he pulled me out of my box . He was one of those humans who knows exactly how to touch a cat . Or any animal , really . The minute he pulled me out of the box and looked me in the eyes , I stopped howling . I let him and his group of students take me to a stall next to where the farmer 's cow was now standing , and they did something with some machine that he kept rubbing all over my body . . I heard him tell the BTLO that he couldn 't see what was going on inside me . But he gave her three choices : 1 . She can let this go , and give me shots to calm me down . That would kill me in a couple years . 2 . She could just ignore it and listen to me howling every few months . The probably wouldn 't be very good for me either . 3 . Or she could let Mustafa try to operate . To make this story a little shorter , she went for # 3 . She looked at him with her tired eyes and convinced him to keep me with him that night . He took me to another room , then , and a little while later I was asleep . I don 't remember anything , but I remember waking up and shivvering all over . I really thought I would die . My whole body was on fire . Mustafa let me sleep on his belly that night . He was taking care of the clinic , and sleeping on a cot . He had a big soft belly and a laugh that felt like cool clear water running through the gutters after a rain . He spoke Turkish to me as if I was a person . I tried to speak back to him , but it hurt too much . I was still pretty sick when the Big - Two - Legged - One came and got me the next day . I heard Mustafa explain what was wrong with me : " she still had half of her uterus and one ovary inside of her . It was fused up against her bladder . But we got it all . Still , she has some sepsis . She 's very sick and could still die tonight . " She also wanted my ovary and uterus , because he actually showed it to her . He got upset . " Don 't go after the vet who did this . Let me do it . " That was the first time I heard him ask for Hasan 's name . She told him , and he rolled his eyes . " Some of our graduates , you know , aren 't really very good vets . But some have wealthy parent who buy them what they need to set up a business , and they do it . And Turkiye has no regulations ; they can do whatever they want to do for money . " Unlike me . I work for the state , " he added . " I don 't make any money . I do it out of love . Or insanity . " 3 . I slept on her belly that night . I was shivvering and hot when I went to sleep , but sometime during the night , I felt myself explode , and the heat went away . I woke the BTLO up in the morning , licking her face . I should have had a happy ever after then . But something happened that no one expected . She couldn 't get me to take the antibiotics . So she took me , every few days , back to Mustafa , which I didn 't mind that much , and he gave me a shot . One day she couldn 't get to Ankara University . She didn 't have time . We 'd stopped taking taxis ; we were no regular bus riders . She called Mustafa , and he said " any vet could give this shot . " He told her what it was . Some antibiotic . I didn 't feel good after that . A week or so later , I woke up in the middle of the night and I realized my head was empty . I could not hear the night birds . I could not hear the howling dogs , or the occasional car on the road . I could not hear the BTLO breathing . I could not even hear my own voice . I stood in the middle of our big empty room and screamed . I screamed and screamed , trying to hear my voice . I couldn 't hear my voice , but I could feel it . If I went into a small space , like the bathroom or a closet , I could feel it . And the BTLO thought I was wanting a man again . She got angry . I have to give her credit . She looked tired , but she kept giving me kuzu şiş , and petting me and playing ball with me . She would get mad sometimes , and so would I . Sometimes she would just cry . And so would I . We 'd go to see Mustafa often , and he was always happy to see me . When she told him I was deaf - sağır is the Turkish word - he rubbed my ears and said " I wish I could go deaf sometimes . I really hate hearing the things I have to hear . " As summer came , I knew the Big - Two - Legged - One was upset about something . She seemed to want to go somewhere , and I had a funny feeling it didn 't include me . She met an old student from the program she taught in . His name was Onur . Everyone thought Onur was a bit crazy , a bit like me , I guess . I don 't know how she made this deal with him , but he agreed to let me stay with him that summer , while the BTLO went away . Part of me thought she 'd probably never come back , and part of me just didn 't care . Onur would let me go out on his balcony , and after a few months , he got another street cat like me . And we would play . Onur would scratch me just right , and we both decided that we would be nice together . Oh , so what am I doing right now ? I 'm sleeping on another couch . Here , check it out . I live in the America now , as you know . I 've got a few more stories to tell , but for now , I 'll say goodnight . 1 . I wonder if my face is a little dark in this picture . This is me , in my " garden " in our apartment in Çankaya . We moved there after the first year , and after I had The Operation . Yeah . The Operation . It seems Americans have another rather odd tradition : they make it so their animals can 't reproduce themselves . And that assures the human that their animal will live a long and healthy life . Or some kind of crap like that . Well , I didn 't know that . And neither did Hasan , which is why he was so surprised when the Big - Two - Legged - One asked for that . It seems the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara had convinced him that he should do The Operation to cats she was putting back out on the streets . He kind of understood that , because those cats wouldn 't have any more cats . Niçin ? ( why ? ) Hasan asked , the first time this was requested . " It 's how we do it , " the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara said . And she told him about how healthy it would make me . She made it sound like it would transform me to some Angel . He just did what they asked for , just like he did it to every other cat the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara brought to him , before she put them back out on the streets . The big difference between me and all those other cats was . . . . well , read on . Let 's just say : I wasn 't put back on the streets , and well , some people realized how well Hasan was doing this Operation . 2 . Two weeks later , the Big - Two - Legged One came and got me . ( Don 't ask why it took Hasan two weeks to give me this operation . I try not to remember . ) Finally the Big - Two - Legged - One came and brought me in the taksi to my new house . And there was another couch there ! It was pretty ugly , but I didn 't care . Here I am in one of the matching chairs , reading the Turkish Daily News with my friend the monkey , Hotchkiss . There 's a story about Hotchkiss . Maybe I 'll tell it later : Like I said before , she made kuzu for me , and I got to sleep in a bed : what else could a cat ask for ? I decided that for the time being , living with her wasn 't all that bad , and I just got to business partying in the really big , nearly empty apartment she was living in . My favorite thing then , and even now , is playing football . I love to kick balls all over the place until they go into little cracks and crevices , and then I just scream at them , until the BTLO comes and gets them out for me . But then , one day it happened . I didn 't know it wasn 't supposed to happen ; after all it had happened before . It was just natural , you know . Part of being a girl cat : it was that feeling . That feeling that I really wanted to go outside and find myself a boy cat . Any boy cat . Oh , it was so strong I thought I might even settle for a small boy dog . So I stood in the middle of this big nearly empty apartment and howled . All night long . For a few nights . Yelling really loud seemed to make it feel a little better . We 'd been getting along really well , but all of a sudden the Big - Two - Legged - One was not happy . Now I 'll tell you something about the BTLO : she 's not always on top of things , but fairly early , she realized that Turkish people are not really crazy about the idea of cats in their houses . Her Turkish friends at work just kind of shook their heads when she told them about me . None of them really wanted to meet me . So she figured that our neighbors might not be really happy to have me howling like that all night long in this apartment building . So she called Hasan . I guess he told her that sometimes this happens one more time after the Operation . BTLO seemed to get even more angry after that . She took me to another veterinarian , who stuck some long sharp thing into me - in return , I stuck a few claws in him . He drew a little blood and so did I . But he did do something that made me stop wanting a boy cat . For a couple months , at least . Then it happened again , and this time it was much worse ! I knew how to solve the problem - just let me out ! ! ! ! I knew there were cats outside ; I 'd seen them through the window . I 'd even be willing to come back in and keep her company , after I got it over with . The bitch . I was pissed . No couches there . I was back in the cage , back in a room full of dying animals . The one thing I knew for sure was that I was really close to the streets I lived in for the first eight or nine months of my life . And if I could get out , I could take care of this awful problem myself . I knew there were plenty of boy cats out there that would help me . It 's true - if I could have gotten out there , I would have never come back . I knew damned well by now that kuzu şiş picked out of the trash tasted almost as good as kuzu şiş on a plate with a tomato and parsley garnish . I would not make that mistake again . But I never got out . Hasan put me to sleep and did something else to me . And I kept trying to wake up after that , but I couldn 't . I lay in that dirty dark cage and slept for days . When I woke up , I just kept puking , for about four days . And then I slept for nearly a week . I don 't really remember much of it , but I do remember that when I saw the BTLO again , I was really dirty and tired . I would have taken her hand off , it I wasn 't so tired . I let her put me into that box and bring me back home . Back home . Yeah , I was back in the place where I could play and eat kuzu and hang out on the porch . She would be away in the day , but she 'd come back at night and feed and play with me , and sometimes she brought some other Big - Two - Legged - Ones over . She worked with a bunch of other people like her . They 'd come and visit me , and everyone loved playing with me ! And I thought it was pretty fun playing with them too . When it happened the third time - - by now you should know that it was that feeling , that feeling that I just had to get out and find a boy cat - - well , when it happened again , even I wasn 't happy . Because it hurt so much . I felt like I was dragging my tale - end behind me , and I kept just sleeping in my sand box , because I kept thinking I was going to pee . And I really hated the idea of peeing in our house . She didn 't call Hasan . She put me in that box , and took me to the other veterinarian , the one we 'd met before , who gave me that shot . I kept trying to figure out what she was thinking , but I couldn 't feel any emotions off of her ; she just got really cold , and she said something to this other doctor , and he got cold , too . He touched me all over , and all I could do was yell and scratch . I didn 't really mean to , but I just hurt so much . I really had the feeling that she wanted me gone , just completely gone . He asked her to not make him do what she wanted him to do . I kind of understood - remember , my ears were working just fine then - that he was trying to do something for me . To save me . He talked and talked ( he spoke her language ) and then finally gave the Big - Two - Legged - One a piece of paper . And she took me back home . She didn 't talk to me . I knew that she really thought she wouldn 't bring me back home with her . I heard her on the phone . She was calling somebody at a University . Somebody named Mustafa . I didn 't hear much else , because all I could do was cry , with the pain I was in . People think animals don 't have memories . That is just crazy not true . I 'll never forget that pain . I 'll never forget that whole year . And I 'll never forget that doctor , though I don 't remember his name . He wasn 't really tall , and his skin was kind of dark , and he wore a blue smock . And he kept saying : " Please don 't ask me to do that . She 's a healthy cat . Please don 't ask me to do that . I can send you to someone who can help you . If it doesn 't work , then come back to me , and we 'll talk again . " It 's true - she never had that conversation again , though he became one of my vets after the next part of this story happened . And I 'm just too tired to tell it tonight ! For now , let 's just say : what happened after that changed my life , and made me very angry for a long time . I 'll tell you more later . But it 'll be soon later ! Thanks for reading . I 've really wanted to tell my story for a long time . Posted by 1 . But yes , I still miss my kuzu şiş . Kuzu şiş çök özledim ! It 's been awhile since I 've done anything Turkish , but yes , I speak Turkish . What , that bothers you ? Deal with it . Yeah , that 's right : deal with the fact I 'm a Turkish street cat . No , I 'm not one of those fancy - assed Van Cats , or even moreso , ben Angora ' kedisi değil ! What I just said was I 'm not one of those Angora Cats , either . Funny thing is , I 'm living with a cat now who looks like she is an Angora , but the joke 's on everyone : she 's a street cat too ! She told me that on one of our long weekends alone together , when the Big - Two - Legged - One was in love . But back to my point , I 'm a Turkish Street Cat , plain and simple . Not many people take a cat like me back to the U . S . A . with them . Most people just feed me at restaurants , admiring how cute I am . The ones who pick me up and bring me home , generally throw me back into the streets , or do what the People - With - The - Beautiful - Kuzu - Şiş did , and in a way that was kind of the nastiest of all . They didn 't know it was nasty , because they were Americans in Ankara , but it was nasty . 2 . What they did was they forced him to give his word . " Promise , " they said , " promise you won 't put this cat back into the streets . " They didn 't speak Turkish ; they spoke through an interpreter . The interpreter used this word : sözleşmek , which is closer to a vow then a promise . Promises , yes , can be broken . Vows cannot . Poor Hasan was just old fashioned enough to feel that once he made an agreement sözleşmeli - - he had to keep it . You see , in Türkiye , people believe that if you make a promise verbally , you should keep it . And , I should let you know , that 's also a basic rule of being a cat . I now know that 's true for any cat , in any language . I 've discovered with The Fluffy One that this is a universal understanding between all cats . Now , in America , people tell you stuff , but then they don 't do it . Or they tell you some stuff , and they don 't tell you everything . Or they are really careful about the words they use , so they 're not saying anything that would get them in trouble . Call me simple minded , but that 's just not how it works . A spoken word , when spoken with sincerity , is as good as a written word . This writing - things - on - paper thing is for the birds ; a promise that is written in the heart ( and the soul ! ) is far more durable . Anyway , Hasan found himself making a sözlü with these people , and he felt he had to keep it . He wouldn 't put me in the streets as long as he had the food the people gave him . When it was gone , well , he didn 't know what he would do , but he wouldn 't put me in the streets . So it was Hasan 's sözlü vs . my will , and yeah , I got kind of nasty . I wanted out ; he wanted to fulfill his stupid promise . He won . And I turned into a huge bitch ! Look at that : that is one of the streets around Tunalı Hilmi , where I was born , and spent the first nine months of my life . Then I lived about four months with the People - With - The - Beautiful - Kuzu - Şiş , then about four months with Hasan . And then , well let me tell you what happened then : Little did I know that my life was being measured by the amount of food that was left in a big orange bag . All I know for sure is that one day , sometime when the leaves were falling , this Big - Two - Legged - One appeared . She was brought to Hasan by another American , a woman I 'd met a couple times . This Other American was married to some big businessman or something like that , and while he was going to meetings all over the Middle East , she was left to amuse herself in Ankara . And she decided to Save All The Street Cats of Ankara . Now let me tell you , on the streets of Ankara , I would have lived maybe two years , tops , and had about thirty or fifty kittens , before I got run over by a truck , or eaten by a dog , or tortured by some bored kid . Or just died , you know , just froze , or starved or something normal like that . That would have been my life . But I would have loved every minute of it . Except for maybe the end . So the Big - Two - Legged - One shows up at Hasan 's . The word on the street was that she just got to Türkiye and wanted a cat . But I don 't want a kitten ; I want a cat who needs a home . That 's what she told some American colleague of hers who happened to be dating the South African Ambassador , and he knew the Woman - Who - Was - Trying - To - Save - All - The - Cats - Of - Ankara . So , if you 're confused : the Woman - Who - Was - Trying - To - Save - All - The - Cats - Of - Ankara introduced me to the Big - Two - Legged - One . Hasan dragged me out of the back of the cage I was in , and handed me to this scruffy , kind of confused , blond female human . She didn 't even speak Turkish ! She tried to hold me close , and I nearly took her arm off . But then she said something , and I didn 't understand it . And Hasan didn 't seem to understand it either . But she said she really wanted him to do something . She didn 't demand a vow ; well , actually I think she did , now that I know her . She just said it in a real soft voice , which is how she says things . And her voice gets really soft and firm when she means it . So in that real soft voice of hers , she just asked him to do something . And he did the best he could , despite the fact he didn 't know how to do it , which is why I didn 't actually move in with her for over two weeks after that . Basically , he did the torture to me that he 'd done with all the other cats . The big difference between me and the other cats was : I felt ok when it was over . And Hasan felt great , because he thought he 'd finally done it right . He kept calling me " my pişi - pişi , " and actually acting like he liked me . And I still just wanted to go back out into the streets . But instead , she came and got me . I rode in one of those yellow taxıçılar . Usually , the drivers of those yellow cars just yell at cats like me , and chase us out of the streets . Generally they don 't run us over , though . But it happens sometimes . The difference between the taxıçı - the taxi drivers - and all the other drivers , is that the taxıçı cry when they run over a cat . Then they go on with their job , yelling at cats all the while . But this one drove me home and said " çök guzel pişi " while he drove me to my new home . And I found myself in a new apartment , with a new couch . And I had the cool balcony you can see at the top of this entry . She would let me hang out out there , and it was fine . I was home ; I was comfortable ; I was in Türkiye . And my name became Pişi . Because I am The Kat . I am not " kitty kitty " ( pişi - pişi ) , which is what street cats usually get called . I 'm just Pişi - The Kat , who made it to America with some chick who could write about me this way . I 'm telling you : I played my cards right . I only had to live with her for three months to know that she was the one , the absolute human who would give her word and not go back on it . I saw her do it , again and again . And I knew she would not let me down . And here I am , in America , over ten years later , with a woman who 'll still cook kuzu şiş , and let me share it with her . And then let me sleep in a big soft cozy bed with her at night . But there was a price to pay . . . . You 'd think this would be a happy ever after , but no . Life isn 't that easy ! You 'll notice that in my story so far , I actually could hear things . That 's because I could hear when I was living in the streets . My ears actually worked . And then something really crappy happened . That 's all I can say for now . It makes me upset just thinking about it . It 's been awhile since we 've written . What can I say ? She 's just so busy with work ; she has no time to listen to us ! But it seems I caught her ear tonight . And what I 'm telling her is : 2 . Now , kuzu şiş literally translates as " lamb kebab , " and what yous see above is generally what you would get in a Turkish restaurant if you ordered it . I know , because my mom and sis and brother and I used to watch people eating these in Tunali Hilmi , which is the street and area where I was born in Ankara . I liked the colors of it all , and that 's what got me into trouble one day . You see , my mother was absolutely happy to eat whatever they threw on the ground . That 's what happened when I was a kitten : my mother , sisters , brother and I would run around after whatever scraps were thrown at us . And then one day it happened , I decided I liked it so much , I wanted to see what else was on this dish . And that was what I saw . That plate up there . Unfortunately , the people eating off of those plates immediately thought I was the sweetest thing , and I was being my absolute best to get some of that kuzu şiş . All I really wanted was the kuzu ( the lamb ) But hot damn , they took me home , which wasn 't what I had in mind at all . I was upset for awhile , until I saw the couch . 3 . It looked a little like that one . You see , the people who picked me up off the street in Tunali were kind of wealthy . He was an executive for some oil company , or something like that , and they could afford to live in that area . They were American , too . So for about seven months of my life , I lived pretty high on the hog , until it happened : They got relocated . To Spain . And they decided not to take me . It was like , I was a Turkish accessory , and I wouldn 't look good in Barcelona . So , one day , I 'm sitting on my couch , having forgiven them for taking me away from my mother , and they scooped me up and put me in a box and took me to a veterinarian , a guy named Hasan . They made him promise that I would never be put back into the streets . They gave him enough money to feed me for about three months . And then they left , and there I was , taken from my mom and my beloved streets , then teased with a couch . Only to find myself in a dark , icky cage that I shared with some strange skinny , sickly black cat . That cat wouldn 't survive on the streets ; I 'm telling you . Yeah , so I demanded my own cage . Wouldn 't you ? Hasan said I was nasty , and I think he would have really hurt me if that woman wouldn 't have come along . . . . . . oh , wait a minute . . . . I smell kuzu . The Big Two Legged One cooked kuzu ! That 's one thing I like about her : she doesn 't forget what I like . . . . . . . . . . . to be continued We want one . Well , we actually want two , because we 're really not good at sharing . For now , she 'll just keep showing this video to us : |
Here 's another picture of the neighborhood I grew up in . I remember running back and forth across that street with my brothers . It was a game , to see who could get across faster . I was really good at it . 2 . It 's taken me a couple days to get back to telling the story of my first year with the Big - Two - Legged One . You know , when I think about it , I can 't help but be a little angry . Oh , I 've forgiven her , but every now and then I have a vague memory of it all , and I get pissed , and I attack her hand or her foot , or whatever . It 's amazing she 's kept me this long . But anyway , in my last entry I told the story of how I kept wanting to have a boy cat after Hasan did The Operation that was supposed to make me not care about boy cats anymore . By the third time , well , I was pretty sick , and the Big Two Legged One was really tired . We 'd tried all kinds of tricks to get me to stop howling . There was one day , when the heat wasn 't working in the apartment , when she sat in the bathroom with me , with something I learned is called a Q - Tip , and , well , to put it simply , she satisfied me . Yeah , that 's right . My human did the dirty deed to me . Well , it wasn 't total satisfaction . I mean : she is a she . I started jumping up on her , and trying to get to those Q - Tips . I really couldn 't help it . So she called the man named Mustafa , and together we took a taksi to Ankara University . Here I was again , with another taskici saying guzel kedi , hasta mı ? ( pretty kitty , is she sick ? ) when I knew damned well that if he saw me in the street , he might kick me . You 're judged by the company you keep , I guess , and here I was with an American college professor , so the taxi drivers decided I was some spoiled American cat . HA ! I was howling all the way to the University , where we ended up sitting in a dark room , waiting . I kept howling , ignoring the picture of Ataturk on the wall in front of me , ignoring the calender pictures of cows and horses on the other walls . The BTLO noticed them , though , and I 've heard her mention them when she tells this story . That and the farmer waiting with us ; his cow was outside the building , grazing . Then he came in : the man who would change my life . His name with Mustafa Un . He was dressed in a long white lab coat , and followed by a litter of veterinary students . The BTLO seemed really happy when he spoke English . She told the story of all the stupid Operations I 'd had , in just a six month period , while he pulled me out of my box . He was one of those humans who knows exactly how to touch a cat . Or any animal , really . The minute he pulled me out of the box and looked me in the eyes , I stopped howling . I let him and his group of students take me to a stall next to where the farmer 's cow was now standing , and they did something with some machine that he kept rubbing all over my body . . I heard him tell the BTLO that he couldn 't see what was going on inside me . But he gave her three choices : 1 . She can let this go , and give me shots to calm me down . That would kill me in a couple years . 2 . She could just ignore it and listen to me howling every few months . The probably wouldn 't be very good for me either . 3 . Or she could let Mustafa try to operate . To make this story a little shorter , she went for # 3 . She looked at him with her tired eyes and convinced him to keep me with him that night . He took me to another room , then , and a little while later I was asleep . I don 't remember anything , but I remember waking up and shivvering all over . I really thought I would die . My whole body was on fire . Mustafa let me sleep on his belly that night . He was taking care of the clinic , and sleeping on a cot . He had a big soft belly and a laugh that felt like cool clear water running through the gutters after a rain . He spoke Turkish to me as if I was a person . I tried to speak back to him , but it hurt too much . I was still pretty sick when the Big - Two - Legged - One came and got me the next day . I heard Mustafa explain what was wrong with me : " she still had half of her uterus and one ovary inside of her . It was fused up against her bladder . But we got it all . Still , she has some sepsis . She 's very sick and could still die tonight . " She also wanted my ovary and uterus , because he actually showed it to her . He got upset . " Don 't go after the vet who did this . Let me do it . " That was the first time I heard him ask for Hasan 's name . She told him , and he rolled his eyes . " Some of our graduates , you know , aren 't really very good vets . But some have wealthy parent who buy them what they need to set up a business , and they do it . And Turkiye has no regulations ; they can do whatever they want to do for money . " Unlike me . I work for the state , " he added . " I don 't make any money . I do it out of love . Or insanity . " 3 . I slept on her belly that night . I was shivvering and hot when I went to sleep , but sometime during the night , I felt myself explode , and the heat went away . I woke the BTLO up in the morning , licking her face . I should have had a happy ever after then . But something happened that no one expected . She couldn 't get me to take the antibiotics . So she took me , every few days , back to Mustafa , which I didn 't mind that much , and he gave me a shot . One day she couldn 't get to Ankara University . She didn 't have time . We 'd stopped taking taxis ; we were no regular bus riders . She called Mustafa , and he said " any vet could give this shot . " He told her what it was . Some antibiotic . I didn 't feel good after that . A week or so later , I woke up in the middle of the night and I realized my head was empty . I could not hear the night birds . I could not hear the howling dogs , or the occasional car on the road . I could not hear the BTLO breathing . I could not even hear my own voice . I stood in the middle of our big empty room and screamed . I screamed and screamed , trying to hear my voice . I couldn 't hear my voice , but I could feel it . If I went into a small space , like the bathroom or a closet , I could feel it . And the BTLO thought I was wanting a man again . She got angry . I have to give her credit . She looked tired , but she kept giving me kuzu şiş , and petting me and playing ball with me . She would get mad sometimes , and so would I . Sometimes she would just cry . And so would I . We 'd go to see Mustafa often , and he was always happy to see me . When she told him I was deaf - sağır is the Turkish word - he rubbed my ears and said " I wish I could go deaf sometimes . I really hate hearing the things I have to hear . " As summer came , I knew the Big - Two - Legged - One was upset about something . She seemed to want to go somewhere , and I had a funny feeling it didn 't include me . She met an old student from the program she taught in . His name was Onur . Everyone thought Onur was a bit crazy , a bit like me , I guess . I don 't know how she made this deal with him , but he agreed to let me stay with him that summer , while the BTLO went away . Part of me thought she 'd probably never come back , and part of me just didn 't care . Onur would let me go out on his balcony , and after a few months , he got another street cat like me . And we would play . Onur would scratch me just right , and we both decided that we would be nice together . Oh , so what am I doing right now ? I 'm sleeping on another couch . Here , check it out . I live in the America now , as you know . I 've got a few more stories to tell , but for now , I 'll say goodnight . 1 . I wonder if my face is a little dark in this picture . This is me , in my " garden " in our apartment in Çankaya . We moved there after the first year , and after I had The Operation . Yeah . The Operation . It seems Americans have another rather odd tradition : they make it so their animals can 't reproduce themselves . And that assures the human that their animal will live a long and healthy life . Or some kind of crap like that . Well , I didn 't know that . And neither did Hasan , which is why he was so surprised when the Big - Two - Legged - One asked for that . It seems the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara had convinced him that he should do The Operation to cats she was putting back out on the streets . He kind of understood that , because those cats wouldn 't have any more cats . Niçin ? ( why ? ) Hasan asked , the first time this was requested . " It 's how we do it , " the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara said . And she told him about how healthy it would make me . She made it sound like it would transform me to some Angel . He just did what they asked for , just like he did it to every other cat the Woman - Who - Wanted - To - Save - All - The - Cats - In - Ankara brought to him , before she put them back out on the streets . The big difference between me and all those other cats was . . . . well , read on . Let 's just say : I wasn 't put back on the streets , and well , some people realized how well Hasan was doing this Operation . 2 . Two weeks later , the Big - Two - Legged One came and got me . ( Don 't ask why it took Hasan two weeks to give me this operation . I try not to remember . ) Finally the Big - Two - Legged - One came and brought me in the taksi to my new house . And there was another couch there ! It was pretty ugly , but I didn 't care . Here I am in one of the matching chairs , reading the Turkish Daily News with my friend the monkey , Hotchkiss . There 's a story about Hotchkiss . Maybe I 'll tell it later : Like I said before , she made kuzu for me , and I got to sleep in a bed : what else could a cat ask for ? I decided that for the time being , living with her wasn 't all that bad , and I just got to business partying in the really big , nearly empty apartment she was living in . My favorite thing then , and even now , is playing football . I love to kick balls all over the place until they go into little cracks and crevices , and then I just scream at them , until the BTLO comes and gets them out for me . But then , one day it happened . I didn 't know it wasn 't supposed to happen ; after all it had happened before . It was just natural , you know . Part of being a girl cat : it was that feeling . That feeling that I really wanted to go outside and find myself a boy cat . Any boy cat . Oh , it was so strong I thought I might even settle for a small boy dog . So I stood in the middle of this big nearly empty apartment and howled . All night long . For a few nights . Yelling really loud seemed to make it feel a little better . We 'd been getting along really well , but all of a sudden the Big - Two - Legged - One was not happy . Now I 'll tell you something about the BTLO : she 's not always on top of things , but fairly early , she realized that Turkish people are not really crazy about the idea of cats in their houses . Her Turkish friends at work just kind of shook their heads when she told them about me . None of them really wanted to meet me . So she figured that our neighbors might not be really happy to have me howling like that all night long in this apartment building . So she called Hasan . I guess he told her that sometimes this happens one more time after the Operation . BTLO seemed to get even more angry after that . She took me to another veterinarian , who stuck some long sharp thing into me - in return , I stuck a few claws in him . He drew a little blood and so did I . But he did do something that made me stop wanting a boy cat . For a couple months , at least . Then it happened again , and this time it was much worse ! I knew how to solve the problem - just let me out ! ! ! ! I knew there were cats outside ; I 'd seen them through the window . I 'd even be willing to come back in and keep her company , after I got it over with . The bitch . I was pissed . No couches there . I was back in the cage , back in a room full of dying animals . The one thing I knew for sure was that I was really close to the streets I lived in for the first eight or nine months of my life . And if I could get out , I could take care of this awful problem myself . I knew there were plenty of boy cats out there that would help me . It 's true - if I could have gotten out there , I would have never come back . I knew damned well by now that kuzu şiş picked out of the trash tasted almost as good as kuzu şiş on a plate with a tomato and parsley garnish . I would not make that mistake again . But I never got out . Hasan put me to sleep and did something else to me . And I kept trying to wake up after that , but I couldn 't . I lay in that dirty dark cage and slept for days . When I woke up , I just kept puking , for about four days . And then I slept for nearly a week . I don 't really remember much of it , but I do remember that when I saw the BTLO again , I was really dirty and tired . I would have taken her hand off , it I wasn 't so tired . I let her put me into that box and bring me back home . Back home . Yeah , I was back in the place where I could play and eat kuzu and hang out on the porch . She would be away in the day , but she 'd come back at night and feed and play with me , and sometimes she brought some other Big - Two - Legged - Ones over . She worked with a bunch of other people like her . They 'd come and visit me , and everyone loved playing with me ! And I thought it was pretty fun playing with them too . When it happened the third time - - by now you should know that it was that feeling , that feeling that I just had to get out and find a boy cat - - well , when it happened again , even I wasn 't happy . Because it hurt so much . I felt like I was dragging my tale - end behind me , and I kept just sleeping in my sand box , because I kept thinking I was going to pee . And I really hated the idea of peeing in our house . She didn 't call Hasan . She put me in that box , and took me to the other veterinarian , the one we 'd met before , who gave me that shot . I kept trying to figure out what she was thinking , but I couldn 't feel any emotions off of her ; she just got really cold , and she said something to this other doctor , and he got cold , too . He touched me all over , and all I could do was yell and scratch . I didn 't really mean to , but I just hurt so much . I really had the feeling that she wanted me gone , just completely gone . He asked her to not make him do what she wanted him to do . I kind of understood - remember , my ears were working just fine then - that he was trying to do something for me . To save me . He talked and talked ( he spoke her language ) and then finally gave the Big - Two - Legged - One a piece of paper . And she took me back home . She didn 't talk to me . I knew that she really thought she wouldn 't bring me back home with her . I heard her on the phone . She was calling somebody at a University . Somebody named Mustafa . I didn 't hear much else , because all I could do was cry , with the pain I was in . People think animals don 't have memories . That is just crazy not true . I 'll never forget that pain . I 'll never forget that whole year . And I 'll never forget that doctor , though I don 't remember his name . He wasn 't really tall , and his skin was kind of dark , and he wore a blue smock . And he kept saying : " Please don 't ask me to do that . She 's a healthy cat . Please don 't ask me to do that . I can send you to someone who can help you . If it doesn 't work , then come back to me , and we 'll talk again . " It 's true - she never had that conversation again , though he became one of my vets after the next part of this story happened . And I 'm just too tired to tell it tonight ! For now , let 's just say : what happened after that changed my life , and made me very angry for a long time . I 'll tell you more later . But it 'll be soon later ! Thanks for reading . I 've really wanted to tell my story for a long time . Posted by 1 . But yes , I still miss my kuzu şiş . Kuzu şiş çök özledim ! It 's been awhile since I 've done anything Turkish , but yes , I speak Turkish . What , that bothers you ? Deal with it . Yeah , that 's right : deal with the fact I 'm a Turkish street cat . No , I 'm not one of those fancy - assed Van Cats , or even moreso , ben Angora ' kedisi değil ! What I just said was I 'm not one of those Angora Cats , either . Funny thing is , I 'm living with a cat now who looks like she is an Angora , but the joke 's on everyone : she 's a street cat too ! She told me that on one of our long weekends alone together , when the Big - Two - Legged - One was in love . But back to my point , I 'm a Turkish Street Cat , plain and simple . Not many people take a cat like me back to the U . S . A . with them . Most people just feed me at restaurants , admiring how cute I am . The ones who pick me up and bring me home , generally throw me back into the streets , or do what the People - With - The - Beautiful - Kuzu - Şiş did , and in a way that was kind of the nastiest of all . They didn 't know it was nasty , because they were Americans in Ankara , but it was nasty . 2 . What they did was they forced him to give his word . " Promise , " they said , " promise you won 't put this cat back into the streets . " They didn 't speak Turkish ; they spoke through an interpreter . The interpreter used this word : sözleşmek , which is closer to a vow then a promise . Promises , yes , can be broken . Vows cannot . Poor Hasan was just old fashioned enough to feel that once he made an agreement sözleşmeli - - he had to keep it . You see , in Türkiye , people believe that if you make a promise verbally , you should keep it . And , I should let you know , that 's also a basic rule of being a cat . I now know that 's true for any cat , in any language . I 've discovered with The Fluffy One that this is a universal understanding between all cats . Now , in America , people tell you stuff , but then they don 't do it . Or they tell you some stuff , and they don 't tell you everything . Or they are really careful about the words they use , so they 're not saying anything that would get them in trouble . Call me simple minded , but that 's just not how it works . A spoken word , when spoken with sincerity , is as good as a written word . This writing - things - on - paper thing is for the birds ; a promise that is written in the heart ( and the soul ! ) is far more durable . Anyway , Hasan found himself making a sözlü with these people , and he felt he had to keep it . He wouldn 't put me in the streets as long as he had the food the people gave him . When it was gone , well , he didn 't know what he would do , but he wouldn 't put me in the streets . So it was Hasan 's sözlü vs . my will , and yeah , I got kind of nasty . I wanted out ; he wanted to fulfill his stupid promise . He won . And I turned into a huge bitch ! Look at that : that is one of the streets around Tunalı Hilmi , where I was born , and spent the first nine months of my life . Then I lived about four months with the People - With - The - Beautiful - Kuzu - Şiş , then about four months with Hasan . And then , well let me tell you what happened then : Little did I know that my life was being measured by the amount of food that was left in a big orange bag . All I know for sure is that one day , sometime when the leaves were falling , this Big - Two - Legged - One appeared . She was brought to Hasan by another American , a woman I 'd met a couple times . This Other American was married to some big businessman or something like that , and while he was going to meetings all over the Middle East , she was left to amuse herself in Ankara . And she decided to Save All The Street Cats of Ankara . Now let me tell you , on the streets of Ankara , I would have lived maybe two years , tops , and had about thirty or fifty kittens , before I got run over by a truck , or eaten by a dog , or tortured by some bored kid . Or just died , you know , just froze , or starved or something normal like that . That would have been my life . But I would have loved every minute of it . Except for maybe the end . So the Big - Two - Legged - One shows up at Hasan 's . The word on the street was that she just got to Türkiye and wanted a cat . But I don 't want a kitten ; I want a cat who needs a home . That 's what she told some American colleague of hers who happened to be dating the South African Ambassador , and he knew the Woman - Who - Was - Trying - To - Save - All - The - Cats - Of - Ankara . So , if you 're confused : the Woman - Who - Was - Trying - To - Save - All - The - Cats - Of - Ankara introduced me to the Big - Two - Legged - One . Hasan dragged me out of the back of the cage I was in , and handed me to this scruffy , kind of confused , blond female human . She didn 't even speak Turkish ! She tried to hold me close , and I nearly took her arm off . But then she said something , and I didn 't understand it . And Hasan didn 't seem to understand it either . But she said she really wanted him to do something . She didn 't demand a vow ; well , actually I think she did , now that I know her . She just said it in a real soft voice , which is how she says things . And her voice gets really soft and firm when she means it . So in that real soft voice of hers , she just asked him to do something . And he did the best he could , despite the fact he didn 't know how to do it , which is why I didn 't actually move in with her for over two weeks after that . Basically , he did the torture to me that he 'd done with all the other cats . The big difference between me and the other cats was : I felt ok when it was over . And Hasan felt great , because he thought he 'd finally done it right . He kept calling me " my pişi - pişi , " and actually acting like he liked me . And I still just wanted to go back out into the streets . But instead , she came and got me . I rode in one of those yellow taxıçılar . Usually , the drivers of those yellow cars just yell at cats like me , and chase us out of the streets . Generally they don 't run us over , though . But it happens sometimes . The difference between the taxıçı - the taxi drivers - and all the other drivers , is that the taxıçı cry when they run over a cat . Then they go on with their job , yelling at cats all the while . But this one drove me home and said " çök guzel pişi " while he drove me to my new home . And I found myself in a new apartment , with a new couch . And I had the cool balcony you can see at the top of this entry . She would let me hang out out there , and it was fine . I was home ; I was comfortable ; I was in Türkiye . And my name became Pişi . Because I am The Kat . I am not " kitty kitty " ( pişi - pişi ) , which is what street cats usually get called . I 'm just Pişi - The Kat , who made it to America with some chick who could write about me this way . I 'm telling you : I played my cards right . I only had to live with her for three months to know that she was the one , the absolute human who would give her word and not go back on it . I saw her do it , again and again . And I knew she would not let me down . And here I am , in America , over ten years later , with a woman who 'll still cook kuzu şiş , and let me share it with her . And then let me sleep in a big soft cozy bed with her at night . But there was a price to pay . . . . You 'd think this would be a happy ever after , but no . Life isn 't that easy ! You 'll notice that in my story so far , I actually could hear things . That 's because I could hear when I was living in the streets . My ears actually worked . And then something really crappy happened . That 's all I can say for now . It makes me upset just thinking about it . It 's been awhile since we 've written . What can I say ? She 's just so busy with work ; she has no time to listen to us ! But it seems I caught her ear tonight . And what I 'm telling her is : 2 . Now , kuzu şiş literally translates as " lamb kebab , " and what yous see above is generally what you would get in a Turkish restaurant if you ordered it . I know , because my mom and sis and brother and I used to watch people eating these in Tunali Hilmi , which is the street and area where I was born in Ankara . I liked the colors of it all , and that 's what got me into trouble one day . You see , my mother was absolutely happy to eat whatever they threw on the ground . That 's what happened when I was a kitten : my mother , sisters , brother and I would run around after whatever scraps were thrown at us . And then one day it happened , I decided I liked it so much , I wanted to see what else was on this dish . And that was what I saw . That plate up there . Unfortunately , the people eating off of those plates immediately thought I was the sweetest thing , and I was being my absolute best to get some of that kuzu şiş . All I really wanted was the kuzu ( the lamb ) But hot damn , they took me home , which wasn 't what I had in mind at all . I was upset for awhile , until I saw the couch . 3 . It looked a little like that one . You see , the people who picked me up off the street in Tunali were kind of wealthy . He was an executive for some oil company , or something like that , and they could afford to live in that area . They were American , too . So for about seven months of my life , I lived pretty high on the hog , until it happened : They got relocated . To Spain . And they decided not to take me . It was like , I was a Turkish accessory , and I wouldn 't look good in Barcelona . So , one day , I 'm sitting on my couch , having forgiven them for taking me away from my mother , and they scooped me up and put me in a box and took me to a veterinarian , a guy named Hasan . They made him promise that I would never be put back into the streets . They gave him enough money to feed me for about three months . And then they left , and there I was , taken from my mom and my beloved streets , then teased with a couch . Only to find myself in a dark , icky cage that I shared with some strange skinny , sickly black cat . That cat wouldn 't survive on the streets ; I 'm telling you . Yeah , so I demanded my own cage . Wouldn 't you ? Hasan said I was nasty , and I think he would have really hurt me if that woman wouldn 't have come along . . . . . . oh , wait a minute . . . . I smell kuzu . The Big Two Legged One cooked kuzu ! That 's one thing I like about her : she doesn 't forget what I like . . . . . . . . . . . to be continued We want one . Well , we actually want two , because we 're really not good at sharing . For now , she 'll just keep showing this video to us : |
It has been three weeks since I have been here last . I think I am not that far behind and then I look and I am horrified . I know so many people who have abandoned their blogs . I try to keep mine going just to ward away early onset dementia . Who am I kidding ? As always , I am trying hard to remember what I have done over these last three weeks . I can promise you that I have been busy doing something . I am seven People magazines behind . I have never gotten that far behind . The celebrities that just had babies will be whisking their children off to college before I even know how the birth went ! Well I best get going here on chronicling our lives . Let 's see . On November 7th , 2012 , I dropped the kids off at school and then went for a nice long walk . Bill had clinical till 3 : 00 pm that day . He then had an appointment at 4 : 30 , but I can 't for the life of me remember what it was for ! At 10 : 00 am , I met with Elhamy about Shayla 's video . He says he is done , but I doubt he is . When I get there at 10 and he shows me the DVD , he still has to make some changes . Will this DVD ever be done ? He is a nice guy , but not doing what I have asked . He said he would be creative . I don 't want creative , I want completed . Ping will have her wedding video accomplished before I get this video done ! On Thursday I sleep in . I didn 't walk this day . Not sure why . Can 't remember . However , I am happy to have some additional sleep since I have to see Dr . Shikora in the afternoon . Hiking to Boston and back is pretty tiring . The traffic at that hour is pretty bad . I am pretty sure I did not walk that day as it was raining . Anyway , I saw Dr . Shikora 's physician assistant and then I met with him . Not a fan of his PA at all . She is not very friendly at all and a bit condescending . She walks in like she knows me and everything I have been up too . I tell her that I still want to consider surgery as an option . She proceeds to tell me that Dr . Shikora told her that I have too many adhesions and can 't have surgery . Really ? He never told me that . When I nicely say to her that I am unaware of this being an issue , she gets huffy and tells me that I can double check with Dr . Shikora , but this is what he just told her . I was pretty devastated as I thought that was still an option for me . So out she goes and after a few more minutes of her talking in the hallway , Dr . Shikora walks in and asks what he can do for me ? Really ? He is the one that wanted to see me ! I told him that I was afraid he couldn 't do anything for me to which he said that he was sorry that was the case . So I kindly tell him about what his PA just said . He told me he had no way of knowing if I had adhesions or not and that surgery was a last option , but not off the table . So where did her info come from ? Talk about a mess . I tell Dr . Shikora that I am disappointed that I didn 't convert to an RNY . He says he doesn 't want to say " He told me so . " I asked if the RNY is reversible as I have heard now that it is . He said it 's not desirable , but it is reversible . Really ? Why didn 't he tell me this when I said I didn 't want to do the RNY because it wasn 't reversible ? That is his fault . What can I say though ? I need him on my team . So am I going to accuse him of not informing me correctly ? Was he making a " to do " list when I asked him this question before ? I am confused anFriday was a cold and blustery day . I dropped the kids off at school and then went for a walk . At 11 : 45 am I met my friend Lisa and her friend Marcia at Barnes and Noble for a quick tea date . It was far too short . I had to run home because Bill had a 2 : 30 pm appointment with his adviser at school . So I headed home and then went out to get the girls . That night Yamira had her first Daisy meeting . She had a great time . On Saturday , we stayed home . We had no plans and it was great because I had a ton of things I wanted to do at home . My goal is to go room by room cleaning out every cabinet , drawer and closet . So staying home and cleaning and organizing is what was on the list . I don 't remember how much I got done , but we didn 't go out at all . It is tough on the kids when we don 't go out . They get under each others skin , but it 's nice for the two younger to nap and it 's great for Ping who gets quiet time . Sunday brought the same thing . No plans . The kids did have Sunday School , but we were home for the rest of the day . We stayed home and worked on things around the house . On Monday , the kids didn 't have school due to Veterans Day . Bill had clinical , so he was gone all day . So it was just me and the kids . Oh joy ! We didn 't go out at all because I wanted to do some things at home . Ping did have Brownies , so I took her out to that at 6 : 00 pm and Bill went to his Masons meeting at 7 : 30 pm . It was a boring few days , but it was nice not to have to go out . On Tuesday I dropped off the kids and went for a walk . I don 't have anything else on my calendar that day . I find that hard to believe . I don 't remember what I did . I did get Manny at 11 : 00 am and the girls at 3 : 10 pm , but other than that , I do not remember what I did . I am sure I worked on things here at the house and / or did errands . My dear friend Roger lost his battle with cancer today . Just devastating . I am so sad for my girlfriend Kirsten and her little ones who are 7 and 10 . They didn 't deserve to lose their dad so young . Roger was only 48 and had battle cancer bravely since May . Rest in peace my friend . Wednesday was really busy . I took Manny and Yamira to school . I took Ping into school to have her pictures retaken from two months ago as they came out awful . Then Ping and I went to Umass for her craniofacial appointment . Then we left there and headed to school for 11 : 30 am so she could attend the rest of the day . My friend Ashly picked up Manny when she picked up Teresa , so I had to go and get Manny . I then rushed home so he could eat and nap as I had a cranialsacral appointment with my physical therapist Pam . After she left I had to get the girls from school . Talk about a busy day . The kids did homework and watched TV till dinner time . On Thursday , I took the kids to school , took a walk and then picked Manny back up . He had a therapy appointment at 11 : 45 am . After his appointment , I dropped him off at home and headed to a new foot doctor . I have been having an issue with what I thought was an ingrown toe . I wasn 't sure though . Sure enough that is what it is . I met my new and very good looking doctor . He had laryngitis . So it was a difficult first meeting . He told me I had an ingrown toenail and he actually would have to do surgery . Sounded awful . Four shots to numb the area and then he would have to dig out the toenail and put some root deadening chemical so it would stop growing the way it was . Ouch ! Today he said he would just cut a wedge for me so I could get some relief . OMG , that killed . I was so dizzy , that he had to lay me back . After a few minutes , I was good to go . I picked up the girls and headed home . Bill headed out for a dinner with the fire department for 6 : 00 pm , so I was on my own for bedtime with the kids . So it was dinner , books and bed . Friday I dropped the kids off at school and went for a nice walk with my friend . I then met with Elhamy to get my final DVD . I grabbed it from him and headed home after an errand or two . I went back out in the afternoon for a manicure and a pedicure . I had a Groupon , so I didn 't have to pay anything but a tip at the time . The pedi / mani came out great . I then headed home for the night . Saturday morning I did not want to get out of bed . I was so tired . We had brunch at 11 : 00 am at the Spencer Country Inn though so I had to get up and get ready and get the kids ready . We have never had brunch with this group before . It was a group of people who have adopted internationally , domestically and from the state . We met a nice woman with one Chinese daughter and one daughter from the state . Very nice girls . The kids colored and then filled their plates from the brunch table . We then had a picture taken . in front of the fireplace and packed up to leave . It was a nice time . Unfortunately , a woman overheard me say to Bill " Where is our crazy Asian ? " She was appalled . Lighten up lady . We love our daughter and could not be any prouder that she was Chinese . She loves being our crazy Asian . It 's a term of endearment for us . Needless to say , the woman was upset with us asking if our daughter had a name . She kept saying " Oh that is better , use her name . " I finally said to the woman , " our daughter is very used to being called our crazy Asian and she likes it . " Her response was that it was still wrong ! Whatever . After brunch , we headed home so Manny and Yamira could take a nap . I did some stuff around the house as did Bill . Bill was on call from 6 : 00 pm till 10 : 00 pm . On Sunday , Bill took Yamira and Ping to Sunday School . Manny didn 't get to go because he was so badly behaved the week before , I told him he couldn 't go . Unfortunately , Bill let him watch TV . As far as I am concerned , that isn 't punishment for not going . Making him sit in his room was to be his punishment . I slept in , so I didn 't have any control over the situation and Bill clearly wasn 't thinking straight ! ! ! ! The girls came home and I got them all dressed and did their hair and then we went to JC Penney for pictures to be done of the kids . We then headed home . While Manny and Yamira napped , I ran Ping to the field for Brownies . She was playing softball or kickball or something for a badge . She had a great time . I hit up Walmart and did another quick stop before picking her back up . We then headed home for the rest of the day . On Monday , Bill had clinical , so I dropped the kids off and went for a walk . It was a half day of school because of teacher conferences . So after my walk , I went and picked up my three and headed home . We stayed home for the rest of the afternoon . Manny and Yamira napped and Ping did some crafts while I worked at my desk . Bill came home at 3 : 30 and he and I met with Mark , the contractor that put our addition on . We have had a few issues we needed him to look at . Then Bill ran to Roger 's wake while I stayed with the kids . The minute he got home , I left the house with Ping . I dropped her off at Brownies and then headed to the wake . It was packed . There were so many people there . Never have I had to stand in a line like this one . It took me one and a half hours to reach my girlfriend Kirsten who outdid herself . There were candles , pictures and framed sayings everywhere . There was Patriots memorabilia and a real grill inside the funeral home because Roger loved to grill ! There was sand with pictures and seashells because he loved to go to the beach with his girls . A beautiful tribute to a wonderful man . The minute I walked through the line , Karen and Renee , the other Brownie leaders showed up . So I stood with them in line and got to give Kirsten another hug . Their wait was much shorter . Everyone but a few were left . We listened to a small prayer and a beautiful piece of music and then left for home . It was a long night . The next day I got up and dropped the kids off at school and then drove to Worcester to attend Roger 's funeral . What a beautiful church and tribute to Roger . After the funeral , I went to Maxwell Silvermans and had a quick lunch before heading to Meri 's house . Meri was gracious enough to pick up my kids from school at 11 : 10 am because they had another half day for school conferences . I had to cancel mine with all three teachers as I had the funeral to go to . I picked up the kids and took them home . Thanks to Meri for watching my chickens . We stayed home for the rest of the day . I had a lot to do because we were hosting Thanksgiving on Thursday . On Wednesday , Bill got up with the kids and started cooking up a storm . I slept in a little . I then got up and did a few errands . I went to Elhamy 's house for 12 : 30 pm to pick up the final DVD that had to be fixed and then took Yamira to therapy for 1 : 00 pm . After therapy we headed home . None of the kids napped that day as it got to be too late in the day for them to go down . So they played , watched TV and basically got in each others hair for hours . Such fun . Not so much . Bill continued to cook . I did a bunch of things at the computer that needed to be done . It was a busy day . On Thanksgiving morning , I set my alarm , but didn 't want to get up at all . I finally sprang out of bed and came downstairs to clean the bathrooms , the kitchen and dining room and then I did some dinner set up . While showering , Sarah and Brad showed up . Shortly after we had Meri , Joe and the boys arrive . We assembled the chairs and sat down to a nice Thanksgiving feast . My husband is quite the cook . He does a great job . The day went by way too fast . Before I knew it , people were thanking us and heading out the door . I put the kids to bed and watched a little TV . Friday morning I slept in . I expected to be out late that night , so wanted some extra rest and I seem so over tired lately . I got up and did a bunch of things around the house . I finished cleaning from the day before . I spent over two hours cleaning after our guests left , but I had a little more to do . When 4 : 30 pm came around , I jumped in the shower and got ready . Our babysitter Debbie came at 5 : 30 pm and then Bill and I jumped in the car and headed towards Norwood for my 25th High School Reunion . How did I get to be this old . Wasn 't I just trying to figure out what to write in my yearbook ? I was very anxious about going to my reunion . When I signed up two months ago , I thought it was a great idea . However , I wasn 't feeling like it was a good idea anymore . Having my surgery reversed has done a number on me both physically and emotionally . I just was not feeling comfortable going to this reunion at the weight I was . However , once I got there I relaxed . It was good to see so many faces . The people who thought they were all that in high school still think they are all that which is sad to see . Regardless , I am glad we went . We didn 't get home till nearly 1 : 30 am though . Needless to say , we had a good babysitting bill ! Saturday was Bill 's birthday . I guess he should have been the one to sleep in , but I was the one that did . It sounds so luxurious , doesn 't it ? Let me make this clear though . He may get up , but he gives the kids cereal , makes himself coffee and vegetates in front of the TV with the kids watching cartoons . That and he passes back out on the couch or in the chair . So please don 't think he is being a domestic god while I lounge in bed . When I do get up , I have to take a shower and then get downstairs and make the kids pick up their stuff . I often have to clean everywhere too . So I pay for sleeping in . We didn 't have plans today for Bill 's birthday . He lounged and I did some stuff on the computer . at 6 : 45 pm , I headed out the door to pick up Meri . I was invited to a chocolate martini and Lia Sophia party . I had a great time and broke my drinking streak . I have not had a drink in years . I always got a terrible stomach ache from drinking and then after having my surgery , I couldn 't drink as it 's not good for you . So it has been years . I had three small martinis . They were yummo ! It was a good night out . Bill texted me and said there was a huge fire in Leominster , so I dropped Meri off really quick and flew home so he could attend the fire as they were looking for a team to go . I stayed up till 4 : 00 am waiting on him as I was nervous . However , at 4 I crawled into bed . He came home shortly after . Sunday morning Bill got up and took the kids to Sunday School . I thought for sure he would never get up in the morning and that I would have to get up . However , he did get up and he got them there . I took a shower and when the girls got home , I had them change into pretty outfits and I did their hair nicely because we were having tea in Grafton at the Willard Clock Museum . I had never been before and was anxious to go . I had a heck of a time finding the place , but I found it in time . It was very , very small . Four tables that accomodated 6 people . My friend Cari , Katie , Rebecca and Alyssa went with their daughter . Rebecca and Katie sat at my table even though we didn 't make our reservations together . Even if we didn 't know each other , they would have been at my table anyway . Thought that was cool . The kids had hot chocolate and I had tea from a tea bag . They had sweets . A few cookies and cupcakes . The kids then made a craft and we went on a tour of the place . I didn 't get any of the history as I was too busy making sure Yamira didn 't touch anything ! It was a nice time . Unfortunately it was very quick , so there wasn 't a lot of talking . The girls had fun though . We then headed home . Yamira never got a nap that day . Manny did though . Bill was on call from 6 : 00 pm till 10 : 00 pm which I forgot to tell him about until a call came in at 6 : 00 pm . Hey , at least I remembered . So I gave the kids their bath and read them a book and put them to bed . Monday was a busy day . I dropped the kids off at school and went to CVS , the bank , the post office and the cleaners . I then headed back to the school to volunteer in Yamira 's classroom . That went well . I had to paint the kids hand with green paint and they had to make a wreath with their hands . Of all projects . Anyone that knows me knows I am not a fan of paint , glue and glitter ! I had a nice time getting to know the kids . I then met with Mrs . Yasick for Manny 's conference because she had to cancel ours on Wednesday . She asked if I had time then and I did . So we sat and chatted about Manny . She says he is smart and needs to be challenged to think all the time . If we could just get his impulsive behavior under control . After the meeting , I grabbed Manny and we headed to the Girl Scout store in Worcester because I wanted to get Yamira her vest . They didn 't have her size though . We left there and went to my ENT appointment . Sure enough I have another sinus infection . I was put on an antibiotic and a steroid to cut the inflammation . We then headed home for lunch and a nap for Manny . I then got the girls . I tried to do some online shopping once the girls were home . It was hard , but I got some stuff done . It was a busy day and it was a tough day since Bill had to work till 7 : 00 pm . So I had to feed the kids at 5 : 00 pm and then I had to bring Ping to Brownies at 6 : 00 pm and then we had to all go out again at 7 : 00 pm to bring her home . I then read a book and tucked them into bed . Today was an equally busy day . I dropped off Manny , went to CVS and then to Bed , Bath and Beyond to pick up a few things . I then went to the Solomon Pond Mall to pick up our pictures from JC Penney and then I went downstairs and got some earrings for Ping for Christmas . Then I rushed back to the school to pick up Manny who didn 't have a great day . I fed Manny and put him in for a nap . While he napped , I did a little more online shopping and a little cleaning . I then went and got the girls for 3 : 00 pm . Unfortunately , Yamira didn 't have a good day which was upsetting . After Ping did her homework , I picked up another Brownie and all of us headed to the Red Cross Office because Ping had a Brownie outing . I then headed home . Ping was dropped off by another mom at 6 : 00 pm . I fed the kids dinner and then we sat down and watched a couple Hallmark shows . I let them stay up late . Daddy came home and he put them to bed with me . It was nearly 8 : 00 pm . I then did a few more things on the computer before I decided to sit down and have some dinner and watch TV . I passed out watching TV . Then I woke up and finished watching the show and then came here to update . It is now after 2 : 00 am . How am I ever going to get up in the am ? I will post some pictures in the morning I guess . I voted . Did you ? Even if I am not a fan of the candidates , I go . I have the right to go and the fact that this war was won for the right to vote propels me to go . I went this morning . I took Manny with me . He was good , but then again we were not there more than 10 minutes if that . I have been meaning to check on in here , but haven 't had a strong desire to do so . I haven 't had a strong desire to do anything lately . Is it the colder weather ? Is it the darkness ? What is it ? Where has my motivation gone ? I hate the struggling that I have been doing lately . I want to curl up with a blanket and just sleep . I have way too much to do though . I really want to go room to room in this house and clean out every cabinet and drawer and get rid of stuff . We have so much . I don 't know how hoarders do it . I do , but it amazes me . On Thursday , I had a 9 : 15 am appointment with my ENT office because I still had a sinus infection and needed more meds . In the afternoon , I had lunch with Marghrit . That was fantastic . Too short , but it was great to see her . She is doing well , but what is going on in Syria is tearing her apart as her family and friends are taking their lives into their hands regularly with all the bombing . Later that afternoon , the kids and I got hair cuts and then I took Ping to EAR . EAR is when they read a book at the school and they take a test on that book . They earn points . Ping enjoys going . I was looking forward to Friday because I was going to have lunch with my friend Christine . However , her little guy Mason had to go to the doctors for headaches . He is fine I am happy to say . I took Manny to therapy for 11 : 30 am and then home for the day . Manny took a nap and I spent the day doing things on the computer and making calls . That sort of fun stuff . Bill was on that night , so we didn 't go anywhere . On Saturday , other than soccer , we had no plans with the kids to go anywhere . So the girls had soccer in the morning and then we stayed home for the day . I left the house at 4 : 30 pm to go to Hopkinton to meet with a few ladies who have adopted from China to see the movie " Somewhere Between . " It was a movie about adopted teens from China . It was a wonderful movie . We first had dinner and then went to see the movie at 7 : 00 pm and then we met the director of the movie and three of the girls that starred in it . They were wonderful ladies . Very smart . I can only hope that my children grow up to be as beautiful on the outside and inside as these girls . They are all in college now . We then headed back to Hopkinton and I drove home . Sunday we drove to Dighton for a horse lesson for Ping . She won it at the Mid - Autumn Moon Festival we attend every year . What a drive ! We then rushed back to a soccer game for 1 : 00 pm for Ping . We spent the rest of the day at home . We were spent . The kids all had some downtime before dinner and then it was showers , books and bed . On Monday , I had an 11 : 00 am appointment with our financial adviser Gerry . He was not here long . After he left I fed Manny and put him in for a nap and I did some stuff around the house until it was time to get the girls . After an early dinner , I took Ping to Brownies so that I could pick up any last minute fall order forms since I was the fall product manager for the troop . Tuesday was a half day for the kids . We didn 't have plans which is unusual for us . I decided to take the kids over to the Sterling playground to play for an hour and then it was home for lunch and a nap for Manny and Yamira . We spent the rest of the day at home . Ping did crafts and I did some cleaning . Then I headed out for dinner with my friend Renee and Heather . We had a great time . On Wednesday , I got up and took the kids to school as I have been most mornings as Bill has been busy working from 7 : 00 am - 3 : 00 pm . I then went for a walk before picking up Manny at 11 : 00 am . I try to walk almost every morning for six miles . Sometimes I can only do three , but that is better than nothing . After a nap for Manny , I had to get the girls from school and then we all went to the soccer field because Ping had practice . The two younger ones ran around on the playground while I watched Ping practice . Once home , I got the kids ready for dinner and then headed out for dinner myself with my friend Cheryl . We had a great time . It was pretty funny because when we walked into the restaurant , there was her mother . We were seated right next to her ! I don 't usually have dinner two nights in a row , but I will take it . On Thursday , I dropped the kids off and went for a walk . When I picked up the kids at 3 : 00 pm , I came home to drop off Ping and then I took Yamira to therapy . While she was in therapy , I did a quick errand and then we came home for dinner . Bill was on call that night . Friday came and I woke up thoroughly exhausted . I had an appointment at my primary care 's office in Norwood for my flu shot , but I was too tired to drive there and so I cancelled . That is very unlike me . I just could not make the drive . That and the amount of gas I was going to use was sickening to me for a quick flu shot . So after I picked Manny up from school , I went and got a flu shot . We spent the rest of the afternoon at home . I got the girls at 3 : 00 pm and then came home to a quick dinner and then our friend Molly got dropped off . The girls and I jumped in the car and headed off to a Girl Scout Halloween dance in Boylston . The girls had a blast . I felt bad leaving Manny at home . I have to find a way to make it up to him . I told him that he was lucky he got to stay home with his buddy . He seemed happy about that . On Saturday , we had a full day . The girls had their playdowns for soccer . First was Ping 's and then we went to Yamira 's . A playdown is when you play all four teams in an hour and then have snacks after . Ping 's team won some and lost some . Yamira 's team doesn 't keep score . Snacks after Ping 's was great . All kids got to participate . I wasn 't happy with Yamira 's snack time . The coaches decided to charge each kid $ 6 for pizza . This was discussed earlier in the week as a possibility . I didn 't know it was a definite . I wasn 't trying to be cheap , but I wasn 't going to pay $ 6 for Yamira , Manny and Ping . How could I not include two of the kids since they were with me . So we just left . I gave all the kids their snacks from us , but my kids got nothing . That is fine , but found it to be unfair that they did this without saying for sure that this was what they were doing . I even replied to everyone that we couldn 't take part in that as we had other plans for the day . I left feeling a little annoyed and uneasy . We took the kids home for a short nap and then the kids got in their costumes and we went to the Halloween Hop . In the center of town , the Parks and Recreation department had games for the kids , a little paOn Tuesday , Bill was home because his school was cancelled , but the kids had school . So he dropped them off . It was a really crazy day and not in a good way . I had to attend a little Halloween party at Manny 's school at 10 : 15 am . Then I got a call from Ping 's Brownie leader who wanted to stop by and pick up some money . So she came by and grabbed that as I was getting a call from the school nurse . Ping had a fever and a headache . I have never been called for a sick child . So I raced up and got Ping . When I got home , I called her doctors office . I don 't usually rush them to the doctors , but Ping had been saying she was a little dizzy . I just wanted to make sure she was okay . I got another call from Ping 's Brownie leader saying that there was money missing and could she come by and walk it through with me before I had to take Ping to the doctors . So she came by and we went over everything . $ 66 . 00 was missing . I was horrified . I was beside myself . I was devastated . The leader Karen kept saying that I would find it . However , I am anal and a neatnik , where could it be ? I had all the money counted out perfectly with a sticky note for each girl and paperclipped and in an envelope . I was so upset . So Karen left and Ping and I jumped in the car for her appointment . I cried all the way to the doctors because I was so upset . I just didn 't know what could have happened . Shayla had her visit and it was decided on that it was just a virus . I figured , but better be safe than sorry with dizziness and blurring words on a page in a book . I cried all the way home . Bill was going through the trash piece by piece . I walked into the house as he is digging through the trash and all of a sudden Ping innocently says to me and Bill " I thought the money was our account . " " WHAT ? ? ? ? ? " Mind you the minute I walked in I got a call from our financial adviser . So I am on the phone as she is saying this . Bill and I just look at each other . Finally I said that I had to concentrate on this call since it was only going to be a minute . In the meantimeThe next day was Halloween . We were going to Trick or Treat with friends , but they decided to go as a family alone . So while walking , I decided we would just go alone . I got Manny at 11 : 00 am and headed to therapy with him . A little later that afternoon , I talked to my friend Renee and decided to Trick or Treat with her . It is so much more fun when it is with friends . So around 5 : 00 pm , the kids got in their costumes and off we went . First we went to the neighbors and then we went to Renee 's house . We then headed to a big neighborhood . It was Renee and her kids , Heather and hers , Bill , me and our chickens . We had a great time . Then it was home and bed . Long day . On Thursday , Bill dropped the kids off at school and then took the Buick to get the mirror fixed . Unfortunately , they didn 't have the parts , so he waited there for a long time for nothing . I got up and showered and headed into Brigham and Women to meet with a nutritionist . She was very nice . We discussed my history , food plans , the fact that I gain easily and where I wanted to go from there . We discussed upping protein and lowering carb intake . Perfect plan if I could just stick to it . I rushed home because Bill had to work for 5 : 00 pm because he had two days cancelled due to the storm . Talk about stress . Very frustrating trying to get out of Boston at that hour . He went off to work / school and I fed the kids and put them to bed . On Friday , I dropped the girls off and then went for a walk . I got Manny from school and we went home for lunch and a nap . I then did a few things around the house before getting the girls . Bill worked the football game that night for the fire department , so I took the three kids with me to a meeting about Yamira becoming a Daisy . They did okay . I then took them home and put them to bed and then Bill came home . On Saturday Bill had to work from 7 : 00 am - 2 : 00 pm . So I took the three kids and drove into Chinatown in Boston . We were trying a new Dumpling group run by Boston University students and MIT students . We were only there for 1 and 1 / 2 hours , but had a nice time . The students both male and female were fantastic . The kids played " Simon Says " with Chinese terms like " Rice Bowl . " It was adorable . Then they learned how to make spring rolls . All kids made like ten of them and had help from the students . Each kid had their own student to themselves . Talk about service . Then the kids had to pick candy up out of bowls with chop sticks . That was a lot of fun . They then ate their spring rolls . Not Ping though because it had vegetables in it . So we wrapped them up and brought them home to daddy . The kids them played " Red light , green light . " Then it was time to go home . We had a nice time . We stopped in Waltham to get some chicken wings from this great place and then we headed home . Bill was on from 6 : 00 pm - 10 : 00 pm but there were no calls . The next day Bill took the kids to breakfast at church and then they went to Sunday School . When they got home , the girls got dressed at 12 : 30 pm and then I took them to the Hanover Theatre for " Tea and Cookies with Clara . " It was only an hour long . The girls have cookies , meet the ballerina Clara from the Nutcracker , listen to the story of the Nutcracker , color a cookie and then we are done . They went last year and had a ball . I felt really bad I didn 't take Manny . I have never seen a little boy there . I should have brought him anyway , he is young enough that he wouldn 't have cared if he was the only boy . After tea , me and the girls did a few errands before heading home . After dinner it was showers and bed . On Monday , I dropped off the kids since Bill was working . I then went for a six mile walk . After I went to get Manny and then headed home . I fed Manny and he watched some TV and then had a nap . I spent a good six hours cleaning out kitchen cabinets and drawers . I didn 't finish though . I was so achy by the end of the night , I could barely walk . That could be due to the enormous blister I have on my left toe . Ouch . Bill took Ping to Brownies . I picked up . It was a productive day , but an exhausting one at that . Manny had a decent day at school , but Yamira had an awful one . Very upsetting . It is what it is . Today was an awful day . I was very teary today . Not sure where that is coming from . Took the kids to school and then went for a walk . Went to Target , picked up Manny who had a terrible day at school and then went to vote . We then went home for lunch . I discovered that what I went to Target for was damaged , so Manny and I jumped in the car and went back to Target which is a good 20 minutes away . We then went to another Target because they didn 't have another one in stock . We then went to get the car cleaned . We didn 't get home till a few minutes before I had to get the girls . So off to get the girls and then home for homework . The girls played while Manny hung out in " time out " and I tried to get some things done . I wasn 't terribly successful . What a waste of a day . So upset over a few bills from the water and sewer departments too . They bills are incredibly high and we do not know why and they don 't know why . They say a possible leak . WHERE ? Very upsetting as the bills are out of control . It 's very hard not earning a paycheck for two years and having Bill in school . It 's so expensive to live too . Wish I knew where people got their money . Seems like some people have quite a lot . Others not so much . Anyway , I have got to get off this computer and see what is going on with the election . |
I wonder if women who give birth to a living baby think so much about what their life was like a year ago . Do they get to a certain date and remember how on that date last year , they found something that helped with the nausea ? Or are they so happy and busy with their baby ( and sleep - deprived ) that they don 't think about it . Are they glad the pregnancy is over ? I really have no idea , since all I know are pregnancies that ended too soon and there was no baby to take home after , just keepsakes and memories . Unfortunately I didn 't write in a journal in March 2010 . I intended to . I even bought one , but I just felt too sick to sit down and do it . Luckily I jotted some things down in a calendar and I have been able to patch together other events from emails and pictures . March 4 , 2010 - 9 weeks pregnant . I went out for lunch with the department for someone 's birthday . I very carefully chose what to eat from the menu because I had to make sure there was nothing in it that could hurt the baby and just thinking about certain foods made me nauseous . No one at work knew that I was pregnant yet . On the walk back to work , I ended up walking beside my coworker who smokes . I made sure to stay as far away as I could from her and I made sure not to breathe in the smoke . I sent an email to Laurie that day , saying that I felt pretty sick when I was at lunch , but managed to hold it together . I later sent an email to Ted saying that I couldn 't eat tofu that night . Just the thought of it made me feel sick . March 5 , 2010 - There was a lunch event that my company bought tickets too . I arranged for people to fill our table , and I went too . I don 't remember who was speaking that day . The Minister of Finance I think . I rode the TTC to the hotel with Laurie from work . I told her that I was married to Ted and she got so excited . I wanted to tell her that I was pregnant , but we were waiting until 12 weeks , so I held back . March 7 , 2010 - I already did a separate post on what happened on this date . Ted and I went to visit our coworker who had a baby boy on February 19th . I felt very nauseous that day . As I held Ethan , I pictured holding my baby in 7 months . March 10 , 2010 - I went out at lunch , determined to find a candy I could suck on as I thought it would help with the nausea . I had already tried ginger candies ( which were disgusting ) . I clearly remember standing in PharmaPlus and looking at all the bags of the different hard candies . I must have been there for 30 minutes , reading the ingredients and figuring out which ones were the best . I felt very sick while doing this . I always had my black " throw up bag " handy . I still have a black bag in my coat pocket . I have no plans to take it out . I also have some Werther 's candies in my coat pocket from that time . No plans to remove them either . Laurie also came by my office with Ben . Jen took a picture of me holding him . I already posted about this here . March 11 , 2010 - 10 weeks pregnant . My cousin , Katherine , is in a movie called Tying Your Own Shoes , about adult artists who have down syndrome . The Toronto premier was on this night . We had planned to go , but as the date approached , I got worried about going because I threw up most nights and I didn 't want to be in the theatre and either throwing up in my black bag , or running out of the room hoping to get to the bathroom in time . No one in my extended family knew that I was pregnant yet , so I just told them I was sick . I do regret not going . And of course , I didn 't throw up that night . I sent this email to Lindsay about the movie : " I really want to see the movie , but I feel really sick at night ( have thrown up the last 2 nights ) and even if I last through the movie without throwing up , I will feel sick the whole time . Dad told them yesterday that I am sick and can 't come , but not why I am sick . Not telling anyone until April . " I sent another one to her that said : Right now I have to suck on Werther 's most of the day to stave off the nausea . Or eat or drink juice , but I 'll gain weight fast if I keep that up . Water even makes me nauseous . Here 's hoping it stops after the first 3 months ! I read somewhere that women who have alot of nausea when pregnant have children whose IQ 's a generally a little higher than children of mother 's who don 't have nausea . When I was really sick , I thought about that and was glad that at least it was doing something good for my baby . March 12 , 2010 - Every year I organize a visit for the interns in the Ontario Legislative Programme . I book meeting rooms , catering and 4 people to speak to them . I organize material to be sent to them ahead of time , and I help with a tour of our building once they arrive . It was very difficult to prepare for this as I felt so sick during the majority of the planning . Work in general was hard . It is hard to sit at your desk all day when you are nauseous and tired . I started getting dissatisfied with my job , but once the nausea stopped so did the dissatisfaction . The interns came and the visit went well . I was in a picture that was taken of the interns and the other staff at my company and I stare at it now . We went down for lunch after the picture was taken and I had a reprieve from the nausea once I started eating . Having something in my mouth almost always helped . March 13 , 2010 - We did some belly pictures . One of the big regrets I have is that we didn 't do them every week . If only I could turn back time . I found out a few weeks after they were taken that the date set on the camera was wrong , so I 'm not even positive of the dates that the pictures were taken . I 've done my best to estimate . March 14 , 2010 - Today was a turning point . Lindsay would sometimes come over and we would watch a movie . When she got to our condo around 7pm , she brought some crackers and a bag of Werther 's with her . I thought it was really sweet that she did that . We watched the movie Up , which was really cute . The breakthrough came while watching the movie . I hadn 't sat up on the couch at night for about 4 weeks . Halfway through the movie , I didn 't feel so horrible so I tried sitting up and it was fine . I sat up for the rest of it and felt halfway human again . March 15 , 2010 - Sent this email to Lindsay : Thanks for bringing all that food last night . I brought the crackers to work and have had at least 20 of the Werther 's so far . That was a very nice surprise . March 17 , 2010 - Laurie had something to give me , so I went over to her office at lunch ( just a 5 minute walk from my office ) to get it . She works for the Children 's Aid Society . Since it was March Break , there were events at her office for the kids . There were about 50 + kids there and they were all taking turns dancing . It was really good . March 31 , 2010 - The weather was starting to get nice . Antoinette , a friend at work , called and asked if I want to go for a walk at lunch , which we usually do in the summer . Nothing special happened . I just remember trying to decide whether or not I should go . I decided the exercise would be good for me and wouldn 't do any harm to the baby . As soon as I found out I was pregnant , I signed up on the babycenter community ( BCC ) October 2010 birth club . I received weekly emails about how big my baby was and what developments the baby was making . I looked at the picture every day . I don 't know what day it was . I 'm pretty sure that it was in mid - March to late - March . I got up at night to pee , as usual , and I couldn 't pee . I knew I had to go , but nothing would come out . I sat on the toilet and leaned back , leaned forward , trying different positions . I knew that there must be pressure on the urethra and I hoped that by changing my position , the pressure would alleviate . This happened for about 24 hours and then magically stopped and went back to normal . I went on the BCC October 2010 birth board to start a post and ask if it had happened to anyone else and I found a post by someone else that had been added in the past few hours about the very same thing . It seemed that a bunch of us were having it at the same time . I have random memories of throwing up too . I was in the middle of eating dinner one night on the couch . I had to put down my plate really fast , put my hand over my mouth because I was past the point of no return , and run to the bathroom and threw up in the sink . Another time ( this happened more than once ) I was having a shower and would lean over and throw up in the bathtub . The only time I wasn 't at all nauseous was in the middle of the night . I always woke up to pee , and I was always hungry when I woke up . I would grab a few crackers and standing in front of the living room or den window and watch the traffic below while I ate them . Just me and my baby . There was a commercial for Tropicana that came on TV every morning . I got up , turned on the local news and got ready for work . The commercial always made me teary . Tropicana went to a Northern community that doesn 't get any sunlight during the winter . They brought a giant balloon , put it the sky and lit it . There was one little girl who does a double take when she sees the balloon and that is the scene that got to me every time . Another commercial that I can 't watch now . I think it was also around 12 weeks that I started noticing a weight in my lower belly when I bent over , even just bending over the bathroom sink when brushing my teeth . I miss that feeling so much . Ted had to make dinner every night because I just couldn 't do it . The nausea was too strong . Every weekend , we went to Oakville to go to open houses . The drive there was not fun . It was cold out , but I had to have the window down to help with the nausea . The song " Wavin ' Flag " was on the radio all the time then . Every time I heard it , I would start to cry . I was just emotional in general and that song always made me think of all the kids who are born into bad circumstances and try hard to improve their lives . Of the dreams they have . As soon as the song started , we would laugh because we knew the tears would come soon . I haven 't listened to that song since Jacob was born . Just hearing the first few bars of the song brings tears to my eyes . When we were in Costco once , I decided that I really had to have some lemonade . Ted got it for me from a vending machine and it made such a difference ! From then on , I always had juice or lemonade with me . Just a little sip would help make the nausea a little better for a few minutes . I couldn 't stand to drink water , as it made the nausea worse . I went to Indigo most days at lunch and would hang out in the pregnancy book aisle . I 'd grab a book or two , find a place to sit , and read them . I remember hoping that someone at work didn 't see me , since no one knew I was pregnant yet . Laurie loaned me a book called " The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy " . It was so funny . Even though I felt too sick to read a book in general , I managed to read this one at night because it was just so funny . It had alot of good information about all the embarrasing things that can happen to you when pregnant . I read it again when I was pregnant with Cub . Now that I 've read it when pregnant with 2 babies who both died , I won 't be reading it next time I 'm pregnant . I got my haircut when I was about 12 weeks pregnant . I hesitated to do it , because I didn 't want to be around any hair dye , that 's how paranoid I was . I went anyway , telling myself not to be so paranoid , and when the hairdresser asked if I had kids , I was so happy to say that I was pregnant . Tonight I watched a documentary of Celine Dion 's world tour . She would meet with her fans and they were in tears , saying how it was their dream to meet her and what a difference she made to their life . She met a family with 3 boys . One of the boys needed a kidney and his mom gave him one of hers . Celine said that she knows that the mom would have given her heart if she had needed to and the mom cried and touched her little boys face . We would have done anything to save you Jacob . You were my dream , baby . You were my dream . You changed my life . I miss you so much . Tonight I feel like I did in the early days after you died . The tears just keep coming . Love you forever and ever , I am sad today . That is nothing new , but it seems worse today than usual . Maybe it was the 4 - month pregnant woman I sat beside on the GO train . Even though I couldn 't see much through her winter coat , I still know that she is pregnant . I thought I was OK at the time . I hoped that her baby wouldn 't die . I stayed home from work yesterday because I have a cold . I rarely take a sick day , so I decided that I shouldn 't push myself to go in and they probably wouldn 't want me at work anyway , spreading my germs . I spent several hours writing blog posts on things I remember from March and April 2010 when I was pregnant . I got 2 pictures at the first ultrasound I had with Jacob , when the IPS screening was done . I have 2 copies of one picture ( because I called them when he died and asked for a copy of all the pictures they took , but they only gave me one ) and I can 't find the other one . I searched everywhere that his belongings are . Then I cried and cried and felt like a terrible mother . I apologized to him many times . I took a picture of the ultrasound picture months and months ago , but it isn 't that great . I do have CD 's of the 2 ultrasounds I had in May , so I have alot of u / s pictures , but losing even one is too much . I also can 't find the necklace that my Mom gave me after he died and that really bothers me too . I have been searching for months for it . I think they both got misplaced when I moved , but I was so careful with his things . Ted reminds me that I 'm only human and it is expected that I will lose something . That 's true , of course , but I can 't accept that I would lose something belonging to my baby . I 'm sure the ultrasound picture and the necklace are in the house somewhere , probably in an obvious spot . I just wish I knew where . Ted has been sad the past few nights too . As he was making dinner on Wednesday , I was sitting in the kitchen with him and he was trying to figure out why he felt so sad and restless . We talked about it and I said that it is a feeling of turmoil and dissatisfaction , which he agreed with . I feel like that almost all the time and I have given it a lot of thought . I know what it is , of course - all because our babies died . Before Jacob was conceived , we were a family of 2 and we were happy . Then I got pregnant and we became a family of 3 . Then he died and we became a family of 3 minus 1 . Then August and Cub died . Now we are a family of 5 minus 3 . How can someone feel complete when more than half of their family is missing ? Last night I met Jackie , Oscar 's Mom , for tea . It was a wonderful night . I felt so accepted . I could say anything and she knew how it felt . We had so much in common , right down to things that happened as teenagers , that happened at the same age , even starting in the same month . But the biggest thing we have in common is that we have both lost our son 's . I shared pictures of Jacob with Jackie a few weeks ago and she saw his beauty and told me that again last night . She showed me a picture of Oscar . He is such a beautiful , wonderful baby . My heart just broke looking at him . At what his life should have been like . Of what his Mom and Dad 's and brother and sister 's life should be like . I felt so honoured when Jackie showed his ashes to me . It was so hard to believe and accept that the beautiful baby in the picture was now ashes . Life is not fair . She told me some things that broke my heart . We all have those moments from our stories of when our baby was born . We talked for about 3 hours in the coffee shop , only leaving when they started vacuuming around us . Then we walked towards the garden where Jacob is buried . I was so grateful that Jackie wanted to go there . We stayed for about 10 minutes . It was so peaceful and so nice to be there with another Mom who understands . I love all the comments Jackie made about the garden , about how she understands that I worry that he is cold there , that it is too dark , that he is lonely , that he feels abandoned . We talked sometimes , we stood there silently sometimes . There was no need for words . I told her about the butterfly that came on Jacob 's 1 month anniversary . I said I can 't believe that my baby is in the ground . She said she couldn 't believe that her baby is in her pocket . We laughed in a sad , resigned way , as only baby loss Mom 's can laugh at the absurdity of the situation . In addition to the gift of understanding and acceptance that Jackie gave me , she gave me some gifts that I can look at as well . All very thoughtful . All of which will be cherished . This lantern has each of my baby 's names on it . I just love it . I can 't wait to sit on the back patio on a summer night with a candle in the lantern in the center of the table . And a scarf . I saw my Jessie for lunch today and she recognized the scarf right away . Jessie and I went shopping a few weeks ago and she looked at this scarf and talked about me getting it . Then we got distracted and forgot to get it . I had trouble falling asleep last night . I kept thinking of things we talked about , about how much more there is to say . I don 't think a baby loss Mom can ever finish talking about their lost baby . I am so grateful to have people in my life to talk to . Once I did fall asleep , I slept well and woke up feeling a peace that is usually elusive . Today Ted and I were driving around running some errands . He told me that last night , he was thinking about Jacob alot . When he thinks about Jacob , he usually thinks of a baby who is a few months old , and what he would have looked like . He rarely thinks of what Jacob actually looked like when he was born because it is just too painful to relive it . But last night , he kept thinking about the day Jacob was born and what he looked like then . How muscular he looked , how he had my shoulders , and he remembered how much he hurt that day . How sad he felt . I said I was glad Jacob had something from me , since he had Ted 's nose and lips and we said how grateful we were that Jacob 's eyes were open when he was born . I only saw his left eye open , as his right eye closed while I was delivering the placenta . Ted said it was just open a little , like Jacob was squinting . We talked about how much we miss him . Ted likes to fly kites and he said that he had planned on doing that with Jacob this summer . We talked about how Jacob would have been watching the kite in awe . He would have been 8 - 10 months old over the summer . We would have taken him to the park all the time . Now we visit him in the garden . We talked about the next baby and how , if we are lucky enough to bring that baby home , we will stare at that baby 's face trying to see a bit of Jacob in it . I warned him that I 'll probably cry when I have the next baby . If the baby lives , I 'll be crying tears of joy and tears of sorrow . Bringing a baby home would be amazing , but hearing a baby crying when he or she is born and nursing that baby and bringing that baby home and raising that baby will let us see exactly what we are missing out on with Jacob . I long for all of that though . I can 't think of anything that would make me happier than feeling another baby kick me from inside , from delivering that baby and holding a living , breathing baby in my arms . Ted also brought up the idea of being able to see him , just one day a year . What it would be like if we could see him every June 1st . He wouldn 't be able to see us , but we could see him . We could see that he is happy and having fun and healthy . Then , one day a year , Jacob could see us . We wouldn 't know what day it was . I imagined what Jacob would see . Would he see us feeling sad and crying and muddling through each day ? Would he worry that he caused us so much pain and feel bad about that ? Would he see us having fun and laughing and think that we didn 't miss him at all ? Or would he know that we were trying to make the best of life without him and not letting our lives stop because his did , but he could see that we are missing him every minute . Would he see how grateful we are that he came into our lives , even though he couldn 't stay ? He would see the things we have up around the house with his name on it . He would see the necklace I always wear . He would see the tattoos we have . I went to Laurie 's house for a while and then we took Ben out to do some errands . Ben had some ladybugs drawn on his arms . I asked to see his pictures and then showed him mine . . . . my tattoo . We talked about the butterfly and the baby feet and Laurie said that the word there is Jacob and told him that Jacob is his cousin . We drove by the funeral home and I told Laurie that that was the place where Jacob was . Ben heard that and looked over at me and said " Jacob there ? " I said that he had been there , but isn 't anymore . Today I was in a bookstore with Ted . I was looking at some books and suddenly realized that I was rubbing my belly and it brought me right back to being pregnant with Jacob and rubbing my belly in exactly the same way . I could feel it in a way that I haven 't felt it since losing him . It felt good and brought me some peace . It made me realize that I really did rub my belly enough when I was pregnant . That I did it all the time . Of course it has made me sad too . Ted didn 't notice me doing it and I don 't want to talk to him about it and make him feel sad too . A year ago today , I was 10 . 5 weeks pregnant and I had a breakthrough . For weeks I had been lying down on the couch every night after work . I would get up to eat dinner , then lie down again , only getting up when I had to run to the bathroom to throw up and then until it was time to go to bed . Sometimes I would fall asleep on the couch , but mostly I just felt nauseous . Lindsay came over a year ago today to watch a movie . She arrived with a bag of Werther 's and some crackers . I thought it was so sweet of her to do that , to remember that the Werther 's helped the nausea alot . Ted , Lindsay and I watched the movie Up ! . It was a really cute movie . I started off lying down on the couch , but about halfway through the movie , I felt well enough to sit up , so I watched the rest sitting on the couch . I know that doesn 't seem like a big deal , sitting upright on the couch , but it was for me . It had been weeks since I 'd been able to do it and it felt good . One year ago today , the Ontario Legislature Interns came to my office for a visit . My employer is a sponsor of the OLIP programme , so we have them come every year and explain what we do and then have lunch after . I coordinate the visit with the interns and everyone at work who participates . The visit went well . I felt sick the whole time , but I didn 't have to run out of the room . A picture was taken of the group . I wasn 't visibly pregnant yet and no one at work knew . The picture was in our quarterly magazine and I look at it occasionally . I study my face carefully for the person I used to be . I study my belly , even though you can 't see a bump . I don 't remember much else from that day . I 'm sure I went home and crashed on the couch , as always . Ted would have made dinner . I probably threw all or half of it up after . Then I probably fell asleep on the couch until Ted woke me up to move to the bed . Yesterday I got some Premium Plus crackers out of the cupboard and had a flashback to being pregnant . I would often wake up in the middle of the night starving . I 'd get up , grab 4 - 5 crackers and stand in front of the living room window or den door and watch the traffic while I ate them , thinking about the baby in my belly . It was the only time that I didn 't feel nauseous at all , which figured since I had to go back to bed after . It was nice though and I miss those times . One year ago today , I discovered that Werther 's Originals helped the nausea . It was hard being at work everyday . I sat at my desk in a haze of nausea and each day dragged by . I had started to notice that if I had something in my mouth , the nausea wasn 't as bad . So one day at lunch , I went to a Pharma Plus and spent about 20 minutes looking at the ingredients in all of the candy they had . I wanted to get something with as few preservatives as possible . I felt so sick standing there . I was too hot and the nausea always got worse when I was too hot . Then I looked at the Werther 's bag and saw that it only had about 5 ingredients , all of which I knew what they were and compared well to the 10 - 15 unknown ingredients everything else had , so I bought a bag . Having the Werther 's made such a huge difference . I still find Werther 's candies in coat pockets and in purses that I used back then . Even though they look a little worse for wear and I wouldn 't eat them , I can 't bring myself to throw them out . I still have the receipt and it now lives in the box of Jacob 's things . I was never without some Werther 's with me after that . It made the subway trips to and from work better . Not great , but better . Our routine when getting on the subway was to take my coat off as soon as we got on the train . Otherwise I felt like I was burning up and the nausea got alot worse . Then I would ride much of the way to work with my head on Ted 's shoulder . I was always such a relief when we got to work . I miss those days though . Today I was going through some files on my computer at work and found a picture taken on March 5 , 2010 when Laurie and Ben came to visit . My friend Jen took the picture with her iphone . I felt pretty sick at the time , but I was happy . Posted by The hairdresser was really talkative and I wondered if she would ask if I have any kids . She did eventually and I said that I have a son who passed away . She said " pardon me ? " , wondering if she heard right , so I said it again and said that it happened 9 months ago and he was stillborn . She was nice , said how sorry she was and how hard it must have been . I said thanks and that it has been really hard . Then I asked if she has kids since I could tell that she didn 't know what to say next . I love that she didn 't say any of the bad things people do . . . . like it must have happened for a reason . When she was drying my hair , I scratched my cheek and she asked if I was OK . I think she wondered if she had upset me by asking and I was crying ( which she didn 't . . . I liked it ) . I also have a bit of a cold , so my eyes just look a little red in general . I had my hair cut at the same place when I was pregnant with Jacob . I don 't remember exactly when it was , but the nausea wasn 't so bad so it was probably in late April . As I was sitting there , I realized that I was sitting in the same chair as that time , but had a different hairdresser . The last time I had been in that chair , I was talking about being pregnant and when he was due . The happy things . This was only the second time since I had Jacob that I 've been asked if I have kids and both times the person who asked was sympathetic and said nice things . I may have scared them both off from asking anyone if they have kids again though . Today is 9 months since Jacob was born . I really , honestly have no idea how I am still alive and functioning . I couldn 't see a few days into the future for the longest time , the future was just an abstract concept , and suddenly it is 9 months . How was the 6 month anniversary 3 whole months ago ? How is it that time can move so slowly but so quickly all at once ? I don 't have much to say today . The flashbacks started on the way to work and I just don 't know how today will go . I miss him , I ache for him . I miss what we had together while he was alive , I miss what we could have had together . Our relationship is far different than I ever thought my relationship would be to my child , but I am so grateful that he is mine … . that we had him for as long as we did . It wasn 't long enough , but it was better than nothing . I love you baby boy . Thinking of you always . I hope you are happy and comfortable where you are and you know how much you are loved and missed . Update : Tonight we got pizza and drove to the garden . We sat in the car eating ( because it was cold ) . Ted said that it is hard to believe that this happened to us . We got out of the car and stood by the garden for awhile , hugging and telling Jacob how much we love and miss him . I live with my husband near Toronto , Ontario . Our son Jacob was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 . We miss him everyday . We were fortunate to get pregnant again quickly , but I have miscarried 3 times since losing Jacob . August was miscarried on August 20 , 2010 at 5 weeks . Cub was miscarried on November 27 , 2010 at 10 weeks . We lost twins girls , Madeline and Emma Grace , at 11 weeks on August 30 , 2011 . We miss all of the babies that we have lost and what could have been . We welcomed our rainbow baby , Emily on on August 15 , 2012 . She has brought us so much joy and happiness . |
Warnings : Deals with what seems on the surface a suicide attempt , along with 9 / 11 and the weeks in the aftermath of the terrorist attack . Author 's note : I needed to thank Ranger for pushing - hard - to help me make this story deeper and more meaningful . Without that help the story would only be a shadow of what it turned out to be . Thank you . : { } Also , I 'm not a historian . This story was borne of my needs to exorcise my own demons from that day and the weeks that followed . And also , for The Rusty . Did NOT mean to tease so unmercifully . I hope you find this worth the wait . Where Were You ? Michael worked his way carefully through the hole in the fence and sat down on the edge of the bridge . He kept his back pressed hard against the support , and one hand steady on the handle the workers used to climb under the bridge for repairs . He angrily wiped the tears from his eyes with his free hand and tried to stop the steady flow . He jumped as a bird flew up and flapped away quickly when it realized his perch was taken . Matthew parked his truck next to Michael 's car in a spray of gravel and dust . Rolf spotted Michael 's feet dangling from the edge . " Matthew , I want you to stay - - " Matthew jumped out of the truck , slamming his door . Rolf jumped out and grabbed Matthew before he got too far , swinging him around . " I want you to - - " " Then I want you to stay here , by the truck . " Rolf held up his hand when Matthew tried to interrupt him . " He 's obviously distressed . I don 't want him getting any more upset than he already is . If he asks for you , I 'll call . Please , I think this is the best way . " Matthew nodded , his eyes still on the area Michael was occupying , his heart screaming " Nooooooo ! " He slowly walked back towards the truck , never taking his eyes off of Michael , and praying feverntly the entire time . He trusted Rolf 's decision . " I won 't . I won 't , " Rolf said , holding up his hands . " Eric 's been called , he should be here any minute . I thought I 'd come and see if there was anything I could do . " Rolf didn 't miss the hurt in Michael 's eyes . He sat down , his back against the fence . Speaking gently , he asked , " Do you want to talk about it ? " Michael turned and when he realized Rolf wasn 't going to push matters , relaxed a little . " Eric 's not listening to me . I mean … . I can 't seem to talk to him . I want to , but I don 't … " Michael 's voice cracked . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " Rolf wanted to defend Eric , knowing that couldn 't be the case , but decided the best tact was to keep Michael talking . " Tell me more . " Michael talked haltingly , not making much sense . He was trying only to say what he thought Rolf wanted to hear to keep him at bay . All he wanted was to see Eric . Rolf was very relieved when he heard the approaching siren . " I think that 's Eric . I 'm getting up now , and I 'll just stay here until he arrives , okay ? " Eric pulled his cruiser onto the bridge , screeching the tires when he stopped . He turned the siren off but left the lights on . " Michael ! " Rolf caught sight of Eric 's face and saw the shock registered there . " Michael 's NOT in a suicidal state of mind . I think he 's gotten confused on the best way to talk with you . Just be careful ; Matthew and I are right over there if you need anything . " Rolf headed back towards Matthew , wanting nothing more than to hug him . Eric gave a curt nod before he turned and went to the fence . Michael immediately began sobbing and talking incoherently . Eric 's heart was in his throat , seeing the love of his life that upset . He quickly pulled off his gun belt , tossing it to the ground . He slowly worked his way through the fence , talking quietly to Michael , scared to death Michael would slip . Michael looked dumbfounded as he heard the click and the dial tone . " What the hell is that all about ? " he wondered , getting up . He needed to stretch his legs anyway , having been sitting on the floor with a computer in disarray around him . He walked down the hall to the break room , turning the television over to the local news station and going to get a coke out of the refrigerator . He was only half paying attention when he saw what looked like an airliner crash into the second World Trade Center tower . He dropped the unopened coke , his mouth wide open in shock . He stepped quickly back over to the remote control and turned the sound up . The refrigerator door slowly closed on it 's own . Patricia got up and walked over to the break room door , looking at the two smoking giants on the television screen . " Oh . My . God . " She sank down in the chair , her eyes glued to the screen . When the first tower collapsed , several people began to cry quietly , hugging each other . When the second tower followed , several people left the room , overcome with emotion . Michael sat through it all , glued to the television even when the images threatened to overwhelm him . He wanted to turn away , but couldn 't . The picture of the New York skyline without it 's signature towers was horrific , especially with the rest of the area under an enormous cloud of concrete dust . Lunch came and went . Michael stayed in the break room for the most part , wandering back to his desk for a few minutes before being drawn back to the television . Five o ' clock rolled around and he managed to shut down the office as everyone else had long ago left . He got in his car and drove home , the radio turned to the all news station so he wouldn 't miss any new updates . He parked in the garage and went inside , immediately turning on the television and sitting on the couch . Thirty minutes later the phone rang . Michael heard the sounds of the radio come to life , then Eric respond . " I 've got to run . I 'll see you at nine . Keep the tv off , you could use a break . Love you . " " Love you too . Bye . " Michael hung up the phone and wandered into the kitchen . He pulled out the lasagna and popped it into the microwave then went back to the fridge . He opened the door and gazed at the salad and decided it was too much work . He grabbed a glass and poured himself some iced tea , took the lasagna from the microwave and grabbed a fork , heading back towards the couch and television . He opened the lid and tried a bite of one of his favorite meals . It had absolutely no discernable flavor to him . He poked at it three or four times before putting it on the floor in favor of the iced tea . " No , Stephen turned it off . I 'm going out of my mind with boredom , thought I 'd call and see what you 're doing . Eric 's working , right ? " " Yeah . He 'll be home by nine . I 've just been watching tv . I can 't believe all this . It 's just . . . . unimaginable . " " Tell me about it . I got to see most of it at work , and of course they went live here about once every two hours to give local news updates . It was busy at the studio . " " The phones were ringing off the hook . Even got desperate and asked if I 'd answer them . Of course I turned them down . I 'd have the entire city boycotting the station if they let me talk to the idiots ! " " You 'd dare , " Todd replied . " What are they saying now ? " Michael went back to the television and started reading some of the sentences as they crawled across the bottom of the television . Michael hung up the phone and looked at his watch . Eric would be home soon . He turned the television off and headed upstairs to get into the bath . A hot soak to loosen up his muscles would be good . Eric pulled into the driveway at 9 : 15 on the dot . He loosened up his tie as soon as he stepped out of the car , pulling it off as he walked up to the door . He entered into the dark kitchen and turned on the light . He checked the fridge and saw that the lasagna had been eaten , but as he expected , the salad still remained . He pulled out the container of orange juice and a glass , pouring himself a tall one before heading upstairs . He headed towards the bathroom as that was the only light on in the house , knocking gently . " Okay . It 's mostly just unbelievable . They 're saying 5 , 000 or more are dead . That 's great considering there could have been fifty thousand there at the time , but that 's still more than Pearl Harbor . " " I know . The pictures are horrific and the news about the rescue workers is heart rending . So many people giving their lives because that is what they choose to do . " Michael could only nod , settling deeper into the water . " Did you get enough to eat ? " " I 'm going to make myself a sandwich and then I think we could both do with an early night . Don 't stay in here too much longer , okay ? " Eric said , getting up . Eric pulled the door to behind him and set his juice down in their room . After removing his uniform and putting on his sleeping shorts and t - shirt , he headed back downstairs and grabbed a paper towel and made a couple of ham and cheese sandwiches and grabbed a small bunch of grapes . Then he made sure the downstairs was secure , and brought his food upstairs and settled in on the bed , turning the television on to see what the newest was in the city of New York . Upon Michael 's nod , Eric pushed a grape against his lips , which Michael accepted gratefully . Eric absently rubbed Michael 's back , lost in the television news the same as Michael had been earlier . The pictures were so powerful it was hard to turn away . Before he knew it , it was nearing midnight . He thought that maybe Michael was asleep , and tried carefully to get out from under him . He was surprised when Michael lifted himself up . " I think we should try to get some sleep , don 't you ? " Eric turned off the television and slid under the covers as well , Michael immediately curling up against his side . He pulled the blankets tighter around them and tried to go to sleep . It took a while , as every time he did he saw the buildings fall , the dust exploding through the city streets , the faces of the survivors appearing and disappearing in the murky air . Michael dropped off to sleep pretty quickly , but woke up several hours later in the middle of a nightmare . He was hot and his throat was dry from the heavy breathing he had done right before he woke up . That 's when the tears first fell , silently so as not to awaken Eric . He felt very strange , crying for people he didn 't know , for a city he 'd never visited , for the thousands of people still wondering about their loved ones . Why did he feel so badly for that ? He 'd never felt that way about Pearl Harbor . He didn 't feel that way about D - Day . Why was it this event was effecting him ? What was so different about it ? He tried to go back to sleep , but it wouldn 't come for him . He laid awake , miserable , waiting for the alarm to ring so he could get up . The last thing he wanted right now was for Eric to know how upset he was , as he didn 't feel like he should be . Michael took a shower and got ready for work . He headed downstairs and poked around in the pantry and the refrigerator , finding nothing that peaked his interest . He gave up , heading back upstairs . " Eric ? I 'm leaving now . " Michael wanted to say no , but knew if he did that he 'd probably get an early bedtime that he could do without . " Yeah . You ? " Eric got up and took a shower , then headed downstairs for some breakfast . He made a bowl of cereal and flipped on the television and opened the paper that Michael had left on the table . The front page of the paper was in brilliant color , several shots of the World Trade Center Towers before , during , and after the attack . He watched the news for a while , then answered the phone when it rang an hour later . It was his Chief , asking for volunteers to make the trip a bus trip to New York to help with the rescue efforts . Eric agreed almost immediately . Michael went to work , grabbing a doughnut from the break room that someone had brought in . He parked himself in front of the television while he ate that , washing it down with a coke . Nearly an hour later , he headed back to his desk to try to get some work done . He spent most of the day in the break room , probably staying in his office ten minutes out of every hour . The office was still not functioning as normal , with most employees checking in on the television or keeping the radio tuned to the news station . And when they weren 't paying attention to the news , they were talking amongst themselves . Late in the afternoon , Michael was watching with Kelly in the break room . They were showing the wall of missing persons , the candles burning , and playing " Proud To Be An American " and Kelly began crying quietly . Michael turned without thinking and put his arms around her , wiping the tears from his own eyes . They both were slightly embarrassed by it , but neither could stop , nor could they turn the television off . When the song ended and they started talking about something else , both Kelly and Michael grabbed a napkin and laughed at each other , both trying to clean their faces before anyone saw them . " I know . I 'm okay watching it until they show stuff like that , " Michael replied , standing up and throwing away his napkin . " I wonder when they 'll return to normal television . " " I don 't know . I 've never seen them keep the news on this long on the network channels . And the way they 're doing it , with all the words across the bottom . Gives me a headache trying to read and watch and listen at the same time . " " You don 't need to tell me that ! " Michael replied , walking down the hall into his office . He was embarrassed having broken down at work and wanted to get his mind off of that . He got online and started talking with some friends . " No , no . I called to see if you could stop by and pick up some egg rolls from Mandarin . I 'm making your favorite stir fry for dinner . " " No . Dinner will be ready in five minutes , I could use a hand with the table . " Eric saw that Michael was going to speak again and leaned down to kiss him firmly . " And hello to you too . " He swatted Michael gently towards the kitchen . Michael went , not wanting to fight further . He 'd just have to watch later , and he was hungry now anyway . Within five minutes the table was set and the dinner was served . Eric tried to keep some general conversation going , wanting to get most of dinner done before he broached the subject of his leaving to help in New York City . Finally , they were nearing dessert . Eric couldn 't help but smile . " Okay . At roll call today they asked for volunteers to go to New York City and help with the rescue efforts . It would be for a week , this Saturday to next . I 'd like to go . " " Then go . I think I can handle things by myself . I 've done it before . " Michael got up and carried his plate to the counter . Eric pulled him close and wouldn 't let go . " Michael . If you 're upset , we need to talk about it . It 's a week apart , doing what could be some dangerous work . " Michael quickly tried to bring himself back under control . There wasn 't a point in this crying . Eric wanted to go , he should be allowed to go without worrying about him , and his stupid fears . He said the things that Eric wanted to hear and got back up and cleaned the kitchen . " It 's been very upsetting to all of us , to say the least , " Rolf replied . " The loss of people , the loss of innocence . I 'm doing alright with everything I think . I 'm not afraid of a second , imminent attack . And Matthew 's been doing okay , though I 'd give anything about now to throw the tv at his office out the window . This constant coverage is hard on everyone , and he 's getting too much of that at work . I 've banned tv for now at home , to avoid seeing any more because I 've caught him with tear filled eyes when he 's watching . How are you and Michael doing ? " " It 's been about the same here . Michael doesn 't have a television in his office , but I know he 's spent a lot of time in the break room , glued to the coverage . He 's in the living room as we speak . " " I know . Speaking of rescue efforts , they 've asked for volunteers to go to New York for a week . This coming Saturday , for seven days . " " That 's just it . He says it 's fine , that I need to do it . I 'm just not sure he 's too happy about it . " " I can 't imagine that he would be , " Rolf said gently . " This isn 't easy on anyone . He 's probably upset that he can 't help himself , and he 's going to miss you . Just keep talking to him , let him know Eric relaxed a little . " I guess you 're right . I think I 'll go see if I can 't interest him in something other than the news . Thanks for listening . " " I let him know that , but he says he 's looking forward to fully occupying this house , " Eric said , chuckling . Then he sobered . " I am certain he 'll watch more television than is good for him , but there " I 'll invite him for dinner a night or two , and drop in whenever I can . I 'm certain the lot of us can keep him hopping . Does he seem to be doing any better with your leaving ? " " Either words or actions , I 'm sure of it . He 'll be fine then . You take good care of yourself , and good luck in your efforts . " Eric hung up the phone a moment later and looked back to the stove . His dinner was getting decidedly overdone . He went ahead and made two plates and put them in the oven to keep warm , and started on the short kitchen cleanup . Fifteen minutes later he had the kitchen spotless and there still wasn 't a sign of Michael . He went back to the phone and tried his office again , hanging up when he got voicemail . Then he tried the cell again , and it went straight to voicemail as well . Since he had already left a message , he hung up and headed to the front windows to check outside . Then back to the phone and calls went to Todd and Chris , and neither had seen Michael either . He was pacing the floor and considering running out and looking himself when he heard the sound of a door being slammed outside . He forced himself to stand still , waiting for the door to open . Michael climbed the few steps to the front porch and turned his key in the door . His mouth was dry and his stomach in knots and he wasn 't even given time to draw in a breath before the storm hit . " WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ? ! ? " Eric roared . " I 've been worried sick , you haven 't answered the phone , NOTHING . " He stood still , hands on hips , glaring . " MICHAEL . Come here , " Eric said , pointing to the carpet right in front of him . Michael dropped his briefcase on the floor and walked slowly over to stand in front of Eric , his head down . Eric 's right eyebrow raised right up , a sure sign that Michael better work on explaining himself . Michael looked back down , before Eric 's hand caught his chin and raised it up again . His tears spilled over , but the hand didn 't move . When Eric 's gaze hardened still further , Michael finally spoke . Michael nodded again slowly , never taking his eyes off his shoes . " Never thought for a moment that you should at least call me and let me know your change of plans ? That I wouldn 't have dinner ready and waiting ? Not a phone call after you got there to tell me ANYTHING ? Not the phone ON so I could call you ? YOU DIDN ' T THINK ABOUT ANY OF THAT ? ! ? " Michael cringed as Eric 's volume went up , a sure sign that he was very angry . He swallowed hard , trying not to burst into tears and shook his head no again . " Kitchen corner , " Eric said between clenched teeth , pointing . The same five minutes felt like five seconds and five years later to Michael when Eric called him over . He drug his feet , his breathing coming in short bursts as he tried hard not to burst into tears again . He didn 't fight Eric as his pants button was undone and his dress slacks quickly pooled around his feet . His resolve broke and he sobbed loudly when his shorts followed and he was summarily pulled face down across Eric 's lap . It wasn 't all that often that Eric found himself in this position with the paddle in his hand . He could feel Michael 's distress , and watched as Michael tensed up , waiting for the first swat to land . Digging deep , he raised the paddle and brought it down forcefully , ending the wait for both of them . Michael jumped forward , the sting immediate and very painful . He didn 't have any time to recover from that swat when the second one landed . He kicked hard once , trying to dodge the next swat , gaining maybe a half inch in Eric 's firm hold . His hands grabbed and held firmly onto the bottom of the chair , trying to pull himself forward with no luck . When a particularly hard swat landed across the tenderest part of his backside , he howled loudly and his hands slapped the kitchen floor , before he couldn 't help himself and he tried to cover his tender target with one hand . Eric caught himself before the paddle landed across Michael 's fingers , and pulled the arm tightly into the center of Michael 's back and continued the circuits around his now bright pink bottom . Michael concentrated only on trying not to throw up as the paddle created cascading waves of pain that were building up to immense proportions . He choked out sobs in between the howls as the paddle kept hitting the tender skin . When he was certain he was going to die , he realized that the paddle was no longer falling . Eric had released his hand and he pulled it down , balancing for a moment with both hands on the floor . Before Eric helped Michael to his feet , he untangled the pants that were holding his feet hostage . They had turned inside out and been mostly kicked off during the spanking . When he had his feet free , he tried to stand Michael up . Michael simply slipped to the floor , holding onto Eric 's legs in a death grip . Eric stood and pushed the chair back , Michael still on his knees and hanging on for dear life . He helped him into a standing position and walked him unsteadily upstairs . He settled on the bed and pulled Michael over to him , petting his head and back and waiting for the worst of the crying to stop . Michael sobbed helplessly into Eric 's side , the pain the least of his worries . The tears were coming too , because Michael didn 't want to see Eric go . He had unconsciously wanted to be late just to HAVE this scene , knowing that Eric was going to be paying him a lot of attention . He left it all unsaid , and cried himself out . Eric knew that the tears were far more than the paddling should have produced , and knew too that Michael didn 't flat out disobey like that because he got kicks out of it . Especially with such a flimsy excuse as going to the mall . He waited nearly an hour , until Michael 's breathing had mostly settled and he was dozing lightly to get up . He pulled a blanket over him and got the last few items he was going to need for the week packed . When he noticed Michael moving , he settled back on the side of the bed , hand brushing Michael 's face . " Are you ready for dinner ? " he asked gently . Michael shrugged noncommittally . " I 've got your pajamas here . Get out of your work shirt and into these , and we 'll see if dinner is still edible . " Michael scooted over to the side of the bed and put his feet on the floor without rolling over . He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and took that off , grabbing the soft cotton top he slept in . Eric was holding out the bottoms , which Michael took slowly and stepped into . He grimaced as he carefully pulled them into place , and winced as he slowly trailed Eric downstairs . He stopped in the bathroom and tried his best to wash his face , but leaving the bathroom he still had puffy , red eyes . Dinner was mostly a one - sided affair as Eric tried to keep light topics going . Michael answered with one word responses , feeling particularly sorry for himself . He really hadn 't wanted Eric 's last memory of him to be a paddling . As soon as dinner was done , he escaped back upstairs , falling face first on the bed and crying again . Eric finished cleaning up downstairs and within thirty minutes retired to the bedroom . He turned off all but the side lamp and got changed into his own pajamas , sitting down on the bed . " Sweetheart , talk to me , " he said , a hand on Michael 's shoulder . The older man kept petting the younger until the tears slowed again , words not needing to be spoken . When Michael was all but quiet , Eric settled himself so he was face to face with Michael . " Talk to me ? " When Michael couldn 't find the words , Eric began talking . " I didn 't make this decision lightly . It wasn 't an automatic one when they asked for volunteers . I put a lot of thought into it , and have been " I know . You 're an officer , that 's what you do . " Michael was very proud of Eric , proud to be an officer 's partner . He understood the demands placed on those that protect the public , that he had to step back every once in a while so that Eric could do what he needed to do . He actively supported his partner as any wife or husband would , especially in this situation . " It 's not that . It 's what I WANT to do . I want to help . I 've got this opportunity and I want to take it . " " Because of the high danger , and high security . They 've got enough knowledgeable volunteers now that they can 't use just anyone . " Eric had to pull Michael 's chin up again . " I 'm not in any way trying to " I want to be with you too . I 'm going to miss you like crazy , but it 's only for seven days . I 'll call every single day and let you know how I 'm doing . " Eric kissed Michael 's tear stained face . " The hotel 's direct line is ( 201 ) 555 - 9800 , and I 'm in room 10040 . I 'll try to have my cell with me , but I 'm not certain of the rules . You can leave a message on that , or at the hotel , and I WILL return the calls as soon as I can . We 've got to head down to the restaurant for dinner and the introductory meeting , so I 'll call you before bed . You get dinner ? " " Love you too , " Michael said , before hanging up . He settled the phone back into it 's cradle and laid down on the couch again , concentrating on the tv . The phone startled him three hours later . " Dinner was good , the meeting informative . We were assigned rotating stations for each day we 're here . Tomorrow I go down to the staging area of missing persons and try to coordinate information from all the sources . " " Thanks sweetheart . Now , why don 't you head on up to bed , and I 'll do the same . I 'll call you tomorrow evening when I return here , okay ? " Michael hung up the phone and made his way upstairs . The house was too silent and still . After a quick shower , he climbed into bed and watched the tv . He looked over to Eric 's spot and wished it was filled with his lover . He turned his back on that side of the bed and slipped into a light doze while the television flickered in the room . He turned it off sometime in the late morning and tossed and turned until the alarm went off . Michael hung up the phone and curled up tighter in the blanket he 'd taken from upstairs . Looking small and forlorn , Michael watched tv from the corner of the couch . He 'd skipped breakfast , unable to face even the thought of food , worried to death about Eric . He 'd called last night to tell him that he was working at ground zero , helping with the bucket brigade as they continued to search for survivors . Even though Eric had promised him he 'd be fine , do everything right and take all the necessary precautions , Michael was certain something was going to happen . " Nice to meet you . Been here long ? " Jeremy asked , wiping his sweaty brow across his shirt sleeve . He 'd just sat down to take a break from the bucket brigade . " Saturday . A week 's tour , " Eric said as he used the bottom of his t - shirt to wipe the grunge from his face . " You ? " Eric 's question was lost in the sharp blast of the warning siren . Both men jumped to their feet and began running for the safety zones , many other workers right on their heels . They were breathing hard when they stopped in what was considered the safe zone , and heard a sickening sound . One of the buildings that were damaged but hadn 't yet fallen , was doing just that . The screeching sound of protesting metal cut across the sound of the siren , before the ground shook as the building came down in another cloud of dust . " Eric . . . . oh my God . . . . ERIC ! " Michael sat up and watched as the building came down . " He 's fine , he said he 'd be fine . The people ran . I 'm SURE he did too . He 's fine . Really , he 's fine . " Michael kept talking to himself , trying to settle down , but his stomach was twisted into a solid knot and made that impossible . He finally grabbed for the phone and dialed , the phone going directly to voicemail . That meant he didn 't have it on . He continued sitting on the couch , not eating , not moving , and willing the phone to ring . Michael settled back into the couch , muting the tv . " I 'm okay . Stomach just wasn 't feeling good today and I have sick days to use , so I used one . " " I 'm sorry to hear that . I 'll be able to leave here by 3 : 30 . I 'll swing by and pick you up for dinner ? " " Okay , " Michael said before hanging up . He knew Rolf wouldn 't take no for an answer . He turned the tv back up and continued trying to pick Eric out of the people whenever they showed the scene live . Rolf drove up and parked , knocking on the front door . When he didn 't get an answer he used his key and opened the door . " Michael ? Mike ? " He could hear the television from the living room and headed in that direction . " Michael ? " " What you say , and what you look like are two totally different things , " Rolf said , coming closer . He felt Michael 's forehead and face . " I don 't think you have a fever , but you don 't look well . " " Eric will call this evening and we 'll tell him where you 're at . He 'll feel much better , and so will you and I . Come on , " Rolf said as he snapped the television off . Michael tried every argument he could think of , but Rolf remained unmoved and totally focused on getting him out of there . Within twenty minutes , Rolf had Michael packed and ready to leave . After Michael turned on the water , then gave in and finished undressing , getting under the hot spray . When he was certain Rolf was no longer outside , he allowed the tears to flow again . Eric hadn 't called right after the building collapsed . That meant he couldn 't , and the only reason he couldn 't , Michael thought , was because he was under the rubble and trapped . The phone crushed . He couldn 't afford to let Rolf know that , as he was MORE than capable of taking care of himself when Eric was out of town . He swallowed hard and focused on the water , letting it wash away his tears . When the shower turned cold , he turned the water off and stepped out to dry . " Good . " Rolf settled on the couch , taking the remote and changing the channel , muting it , before he took Michael 's hand . " I 'd rather that you didn 't watch any of the full coverage news channels while you 're here . Matthew has been having a hard time dealing with everything they 've shown . I can 't imagine that anyone could help not being affected by it , and there 's no point in subjecting yourself " It was history when it happened . What you 're seeing now is how much talking the talking heads can do about the attack . There is no reason why you have to watch as they remove every single brick , every single bucket of dirt , nor see every face that was affected by this a thousand times over . The television stays off those channels , or the television will stay off completely . Understood ? " " Eric would not want you sitting here and subjecting yourself to this . How about instead of watching tv , you help me in the kitchen ? We can make tacos for dinner , " Rolf said , standing up and holding out his hand . " Tacos ! " Matthew yelled when he came in from work . " Hi Michael . " He looked up and down at Michael 's outfit . " Run out of clean clothes ? " " Cool . Let ME get comfortable and we can start eating , I 'm starved ! " Matthew bounded up the stairs and changed into sweats , heading back downstairs in a hurry . Connections were made quickly by Rolf about Michael 's behavior today . He must have seen the building go down and was worried because they had not heard from Eric yet . " Michael , did you try the cell phone ? " " Hi sweetheart ! " Eric said , breathing a long sigh of relief at finding Michael . He 'd worried immediately when he didn 't get an answer at home . " Oh honey , I 'm so sorry . The phone had to be left in the hotel room today , as I told you last night it might have to be . We had plenty of warning , and I wasn 't anywhere near that building when it went down . Immediately after , we all ran back to see if anyone needed our help . Jeremy and I , a fireman I met , helped several other people lift a piece of the wall and free a man that had been checking on the gas lines around the building right before the collapse . He had a small cut on his forehead which was bleeding a lot , but it wasn 't serious . " " I 'm glad sweetheart . I hate to think of you all alone . I need to get going , dinner and the nightly meeting is about to begin . I love you , and will call tomorrow . " " Love you too , " Michael said before the phone clicked off . He remained in the dining room for several minutes , gathering his composure . When he thought he could handle any questions , he Matthew 's emotions were all over the place . One day he 'd be sad and upset whenever anything was mentioned about the attack . The next , he 'd be aggravated and irritated by the least little thing . Sleeping was difficult for him , and Rolf had more than once awoken to soft sobs , and comforted Matthew back to sleep . Michael , on the other hand , remained aloof , quiet . He didn 't show any outward signs of trouble , but the quiet wasn 't Michael 's usual quiet . There weren 't many smiles , nor was there any sense of fun loving trouble that usually resided in his eyes . " Do you WANT a spanking ? " Rolf asked sternly . Matthew huffed , but turned the tv back off . " I asked for your help in the kitchen . " " Matthew , if you 'd taken the time to notice , Michael is not here right now or I WOULD ask him to help as well . He called and is going to be here in fifteen minutes . Now , unless you 'd like to go to bed immediately after dinner , I suggest you get that table set . " Matthew turned and went for the dishes . It being Friday night he had NO intentions of being in bed by 8pm , particularly NOT when Michael was staying with them . He had the table set quickly , and busied himself with the newspaper until Michael walked in the door . Michael changed into sweats and headed downstairs to eat . When everyone was finished , Matthew got up to leave . " Mike can get the dishes , I set the table . " When Michael was finished , he headed downstairs and turned the tv onto CNN . He didn 't think Rolf would hear and he wanted to see for himself what was going on . He was so engrossed that he jumped when Matthew entered the room , having not heard him on the steps . He quickly turned back to the tv , but not before Matthew had seen the look of startlement . " Think I was Rolf ? " he asked , settling down in the other chair . " You know we 're not supposed to have this on . " Matthew watched Michael closely , trying to figure out why he 'd ignore Rolf 's wishes to keep the tv off the news stations . Michael sighed . " He 's not going to tonight . Large dinner and meeting , thought it would run late . " He was very upset that Eric wouldn 't call later , just to check in . He could have been killed today , and he would know nothing until sometime late the next day when he didn 't show up on the bus . " Sorry , " Matthew said , meaning it . He settled back to watch , figuring that he should be safe as he wasn 't the one that turned the set on . He tried to watch without feelings , not wanting to cry in front of Michael , who seemed unmoved by anything he saw , but it was impossible . They were currently showing stories of people that were missing , as seen through their loved one 's eyes . When they showed a five year old girl with a picture of her father , a firefighter , Matthew sobbed audibly . " Hey , hey hey . What 's going on down here ? " Rolf asked as he stepped down into the basement . " And why is the tv on CNN ? " " Do you say no to Eric ? " Rolf waited , but got no response . " Alright then . I asked that the television stay OFF the news channels earlier and I won 't put up with temperamental behavior in this house . You can go upstairs and get ready for bed . " Michael stood up quickly and stalked off upstairs , going directly to his room and shutting the door behind him . He immediately lay down on the bed and sobbed himself to sleep . Rolf went upstairs a few minutes later and knocked gently on the door to their room before opening and entering . He found Matthew curled up around his pillow , his breath coming in short bursts as he tried to control his crying . He settled down next to Matthew and brushed the hair from his face , waiting for him to calm down . " Yeah . I mean , seeing that girl … . it was awful , " Matthew said , eyes filling with tears again . " She had that picture of him . They don 't know where he is , dead or alive , injured - " Rolf pulled the fair head beneath his chin , stifling the rest of the commentary before Matthew 's voice broke . " I know . I know how awful it 's been . It 's hard to grieve for sheer masses of people . " Matthew turned his head against Rolf 's chest , calming down . The rumbling of Rolf 's voice when muffled through his chest was soothing , as were the words . Having someone to talk to , to hold , when all the uncertainties still remained was immeasurable . He dried the last of his tears , realizing that Michael hadn 't had that luxury the past week . Matthew got up , blew his nose , then headed down the hall to the bedroom . He gently knocked on the door and opened it when Michael didn 't answer . When the light from the hallway shown on the bed , Matthew could see that Michael was asleep , still fully dressed . Michael got up first , barely able to sleep because of Eric 's pending arrival home . He quickly showered , and was working on brushing his hair , thinking about Eric . He pulled the brush through his hair , stamping his foot hard when he hit a snarl . He slammed the brush down , angry at the sharp pain . He was desperate to see Eric . And yet he couldn 't reconcile his feelings with the thought of Eric coming home . Finally , he picked the brush up again and worked slower on his hair , trying to concentrate on the good things about Eric being home . That maybe after he 'd had a chance to hug his partner , that things were going to be okay . He packed his suitcase , dragged that downstairs , straightened up the room , found and ate a bagel , then paced the kitchen . After fifteen minutes he could stand it no longer . He pushed open the door to Matthew 's room and went inside . " I want to go home . Eric 's going to be coming in and I can 't miss his call ! " Michael pulled on Matthew 's foot . Matthew kicked him off and sat up , looking at the clock . When he realized it was ten , he swung his legs over the side of the bed . " I 'd REALLY like a pile of chocolate doughnuts , but the diet police have those outlawed . I 'll just pick up something later . " Michael laughed and bounced downstairs . " Yes , I am , " Michael replied . He took a deep breath , then apologized . " I 'm really sorry about last night . I wasn 't trying to insult you . " " It 's okay . I didn 't really mean to get upset with you , it 's just that … . I don 't quite understand why this stuff is bothering me so much , you know ? Like you said , I don 't know these people , same as I didn 't know any of the people in our history books , and I wasn 't upset when reading about them . " " I know . It 's just all been … . very weird . " Michael probably would have continued on with the discussion , but his house came into view . Almost before Matthew had the truck in park , Michael had jumped out the door , grabbing his suitcase . Matthew climbed out as well . " Need any help with anything ? " he asked . " It 's okay . " Michael put his bag down and quickly hugged Matthew . " Eric 's going to be home soon , I 'll handle it . You 've done enough already . Thanks . " Michael headed inside and busied himself around the house , making sure it was clean and picked up . He refused to run the vacuum after twelve , just in case Eric got in early and called . When the phone rang at two , he jumped on it . Michael 's stomach flipped and his heart fluttered the way it did when he 'd first set eyes on Eric . " Five minutes ! " Michael yelled , hanging up and running out to the car . He fairly flew to the station and into Eric 's arms the instant he had parked . Saturday passed by quickly for the two of them . The moment they got home , Eric dropped his things by the front door and carried Michael upstairs and to bed , hungry for , and needing the closeness of his lover . When the initial passion was spent , Eric talked about his experiences , needing to share it with the person most important in his life . He was drained , physically and mentally from all he 'd seen and done . He watched closely as he related what he could to Michael , wanting to assure himself that Michael was handling everything well . Michael listened , snuggled against Eric 's chest . He could tell how tired Eric was , and knew that he needed to talk about everything that had happened , to get it off his chest . He laid quietly , gently tracing the outlines of Eric 's muscles as he talked . As the sun started to set , Eric started to run out of steam . Michael sat up and faced him . " That can wait until tomorrow . Stay put , I 'll be back . " Eric settled back against the headboard , thankful for the offer of dinner in bed . Michael headed downstairs and started to warm up some soup and make a couple of sandwiches . He realized that even though Eric was home , he couldn 't burden him with his thoughts and feelings . He wasn 't going to make Eric feel guilty for doing what he thought he needed to do . Eric had very obviously seen and done enough in the past week , he deserved better . The stairs brought Michael closer to Eric physically , but emotionally the steps were leading away . The sense of isolation grew deeper still . Michael woke up as the sun first started to hit the bedroom window . He curled against Eric , who was still sound asleep . He watched as Eric 's features became more pronounced in the slowly lightening room . Staring at the man he loved , he was able to forget about his feelings of loneliness . Eric was home and things were fitting back together again . Feeling safe again for the first time in days , he slid out of bed , intent on making breakfast and keeping this feeling alive . He slipped quietly out of the bedroom , closing the door to dampen any sounds of his breakfast preparations and headed downstairs . He was going to keep Eric in bed as long as he could , knowing he was home and safe . As long as that happened , Michael was happy . Breakfast consisted of eggs , bacon , sausage , hashbrowns , English muffins and jelly , and half an orange slice . He poured out two large glasses of orange juice and headed upstairs with his heavy tray . Backing into the room , he turned and placed the tray on the bed before walking around and giving Eric a half dozen light kisses down the side of his face . " Mmmmmm . Don 't stop , but don 't let my partner know you 're here , " Eric mumbled sleepily . He was rewarded with a slap on his blanket covered left cheek . " Mmmmphhhfff . Is that bacon I smell ? " Eric rolled over and sat up , looking at the tray . " Wow . That 's quite a breakfast feast . " He pulled Michael to him for a rough hug . " I 'm thinking you probably didn 't eat as well as you should have . " Eric had been given more meals that he could count , but he wasn 't going to dampen Michael 's feelings . He could see he 'd put a lot of work into this meal . After breakfast was eaten they spent the next thirty minutes slowly rediscovering each other . Michael was happy , feeling that Eric was getting what he needed to heal from the trauma he 'd experienced . He fell into a light doze and only awoke when the warmth disappeared and the bed creaked as Eric stood up . Michael 's face fell as Eric pushed the door mostly closed . His sense of isolation welled up again and the tears slipped down his cheeks . He jumped and turned when Eric opened the door . Eric stood for a moment , looking at Michael 's back . He was certain there was more to it than that , but when he didn 't volunteer any information , Eric went over to the linen closet and pulled out a fresh towel before heading back into the bedroom . He stepped into the shower and let the hot water pound out the tension still in his muscles , hoping the water would wash away the ugliness of the past two weeks . When the water ran cold , he stepped out , knowing it was only a physical clean he felt . Drying off , he decided that before going to work he was going to find out what was bothering Michael . When Michael heard the water running , he stood up and walked to the window . He looked out into the backyard but his eyes weren 't focused on anything . Instead , they looked inward . He wanted Eric to know how he was feeling , it was tearing him up inside that he couldn 't share , but overriding that was a stronger urge to not worry him . He knew Eric had seen and experienced much more than he shared the day before . It was in Eric 's nature to protect him . Michael didn 't mind that at all , in fact he relished it , knowing Eric would share anything and everything that he thought was important to either one of them but leave out the stuff that wasn 't necessary . And because of all that Eric had to deal with , Michael refused to add to it . His mind made up , he went downstairs with a heavy heart and worked on cleaning up from breakfast . Eric got dressed and headed downstairs , pulling out his suitcase and starting the laundry . He then followed the sounds of the dishes clinking into the kitchen to find Michael hard at work on washing up . He leaned against the door , watching his lover wash out the sink , admiring the thin figure with the mussed up hair . Michael wanted nothing more than to say yes , but he couldn 't . He couldn 't lessen what Eric did , couldn 't make Eric doubt himself for having gone . It wasn 't fair . " No , no , I 'm not . That was stupid - " He was trying to break out of Eric 's grip . Eric wasn 't going to let him get away . " It wasn 't stupid , sweetheart , it 's a natural and understandable reaction . And I wouldn 't blame you for still feeling that way . " Michael put up a good enough front for Eric to let him go . He was still less than happy with the mixed signals that Michael was sending him , but he couldn 't get anywhere at the present time . Instead , he concentrated on the laundry and doing those things that made him feel more like he WAS home , driving the images he 'd lived with for the past week out of his head . He tried again to talk to Michael before leaving for work but could get nothing from him . Eric was only doing tonight 's shift because the normal officer was out for family obligations , and he 'd have the next couple of days off to try to reconnect more with Michael . Michael watched from the porch as Eric drove away for his shift . He settled into the porch chair and thought about the long afternoon ahead of him . His stomach was cramped and his throat ached against the suppression of his feelings . He 'd sent Eric off to work as he wanted , knowing the entire time that was not what he needed . For the past week he had believed , if Eric would only come home then everything he saw on tv , everything he heard , the nightmares he had about rubble and smoke and people 's faces , it would all make sense . Now Eric was home - and he 'd seen those people . He 'd seen that rubble . And there was no way to go to him with these ridiculous , irrational fears . As the tears started to flow , he got angry with himself . He walked into the house and slammed the door behind him , finding the first thing that came to hand , a book , and tossed it hard across the room , before sliding down against the door and letting the sobs overcome him . The tears , instead of cleansing , only aggravated him further . He couldn 't stand the empty house , almost physically feeling the overpowering quiet . He grabbed his keys and headed to his car , driving without a destination and barely able to see through tear streaked eyes . He needed , more than anything , to talk to Eric . But Eric was at work , and he couldn 't just drive down to the station and walk in this state . He couldn 't drive around until he found his cruiser and follow him until he stopped . Feeling sick to his stomach , upset more than he could stand , he spotted the phone in the passenger seat . He pulled over , swallowing hard against the tears that continued to pour forth , he picking up the phone and dialed Matthew 's house . Michael sobbed , then fought for control again . " Okay . I can drive over to his site , with my phone . Shouldn 't be but about ten minutes , tops . Will that work ? " " Okay . I 'll - " Matthew was talking to a dial tone . He slammed the phone down , grabbed his cell and sprinted for the truck , keys in hand . He wanted to call Michael but decided he 'd better concentrate on driving as he was going rather fast . He frantically looked for any signs of Rolf 's truck when he got over to the development , finally spotting it near the tree line . He came to a screeching halt in fresh gravel , a dust cloud announcing his arrival . Matthew jumped out of the truck with his phone . " It 's Michael , he needs to talk . He sounds upset . He 's in the phone book . " Michael worked his way carefully through the hole in the fence and sat down on the edge of the bridge . He kept his back pressed hard against the support , and one hand steady on the handle the workers used to climb under the bridge for repairs . He angrily wiped the tears from his eyes with his free hand and tried to stop the steady flow . He jumped as a bird flew up and flapped away quickly when it realized his perch was taken . Matthew parked his truck next to Michael 's car in a spray of gravel and dust . Rolf spotted Michael 's feet dangling from the edge . " Matthew , I want you to stay - - " Matthew jumped out of the truck , slamming his door . Rolf jumped out and grabbed Matthew before he got too far , swinging him around . " I want you to - - " Rolf thought it would be better if Matthew wasn 't around if things got too dicey , but realized there was no way he was going to get him out of there without going with him . " Then I want you to stay here , by the truck . " Rolf held up his hand when Matthew tried to interrupt him . " He 's obviously distressed . I don 't want him getting any more upset than he already is . If he asks for you , I 'll call . Please , I think this is the best way . " Matthew nodded , his eyes still on the area Michael was occupying , his heart screaming " Nooooooo ! " He slowly walked back towards the truck , never taking his eyes off of Michael , and praying feverntly the entire time . He trusted Rolf 's decision . " I won 't . I won 't , " Rolf said , holding up his hands . " Eric 's been called , he should be here any minute . I thought I 'd come and see if there was anything I could do . " " There isn 't . " Michael turned back to look towards the river . Rolf didn 't miss the hurt in Michael 's eyes . He sat down , his back against the fence . Michael turned and when he realized Rolf wasn 't going to push matters , relaxed a little . " Eric 's not listening to me . I mean … . I can 't seem to talk to him . I want to , but I don 't … " Michael 's voice cracked . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " Michael talked haltingly , not making much sense . He was trying only to say what he thought Rolf wanted to hear to keep him at bay . All he wanted was to see Eric . Rolf was very relieved when he heard the approaching siren . " I think that 's Eric . I 'm getting up now , and I 'll just stay here until he arrives , okay ? " Rolf caught sight of Eric 's face and saw the shock registered there . This was obviously a quick decision on Michael 's part . He grabbed Eric 's arm and had to hold him a moment before Eric 's eye 's registered that it was Rolf . " Michael 's NOT in a suicidal state of mind . I think he 's gotten confused on the best way to talk with you . Just be careful ; Matthew and I are right over there if you need anything . " Rolf headed back towards Matthew , wanting nothing more than to hug him . Michael immediately began sobbing and talking incoherently . Eric 's heart was in his throat , seeing the love of his life that upset . He quickly pulled off his gun belt , tossing it to the ground . He slowly worked his way through the fence , talking quietly to Michael , scared to death Michael would slip . Eric held him for only a moment before helping him back through the hole in the fence and away from the immediate danger . He immediately put him into the front seat of his squad car , picked up his gun belt and got in . Basically working on instinct , he put the car in drive and left the bridge , wanting to get away from the curious stares of the passersby and wanting to make sure that this was NOT going to be treated as an official matter . The call hadn 't gone through dispatch so he was safe there . He could barely keep his eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel as he tried to keep an eye and hand on Michael , not knowing what in the world was wrong . He pulled into the driveway and stopped the car , getting out and shutting the door . He keyed his radio . Eric went around the car and pulled open the door , helping Michael out and up to the front door , letting him lean heavily on him as he unlocked and opened the door . They barely made it in the door before Michael completely broke down , the sobs coming hard and fast . Eric maneuvered them to the couch and pulled Michael hard against him , stroking him and murmuring nonsense to try to get him calmed down . His heart was hurting and his stomach in knots wondering what in the world could have happened to cause Michael to come to the point of wanting to sit on the edge of the bridge . He couldn 't think of any family members that were ill or in any sort of trouble , and since Rolf had kept a pretty good eye on Michael the last few days he was gone , he didn 't think Michael would have been able to get himself into any sort of serious trouble . Michael shook his head hard , burying his face against Eric 's stomach . He was too ashamed and too upset to talk . Eric gently pulled up on Michael 's chin . " As hard as it seems right now , we still need to talk . Are you in some sort of trouble ? " " No , no , I swear I 'm not . " Michael said quickly , shaking his head but unable to meet Eric 's eyes . " Is one of our friends in trouble ? " Michael turned away and buried his head in his arms . Eric put a hand on the shoulder and rubbed absently . " Are you mad at me for going to New York ? " Michael slid off the couch and still gasping around sobs , headed for the kitchen . Eric stood up and followed , stopping just inside the doorway and resting against it . He sharpened his tone a little . " There is definitely a problem here that needs addressing . It starts with identifying what 's wrong , then we 'll work on how to fix it . Have a seat . " The sobs increased and he tried to put his arms and head on the table . Eric pulled him over into his lap . " That 's enough of this Michael . Tell me what you were thinking . " The tone again reached Michael , but he still couldn 't bring himself to talk about it . Finally he tried " You should be on duty . You 'll get in trouble - " Eric still didn 't have a clue what was going on . All that he knew was that Michael was still refusing to talk to him . He sharpened his tone and level of voice . " What were you thinking , scaring me to death , not to mention Rolf , Matthew and the various passersby at the time ? " " The tv . News . You were at work . And not here . And …… . I don 't know ! " Michael finished , struggling and trying to get to his feet . Eric let him go . " Then you can get yourself upstairs right now . I 've had enough of you and dancing around the issues . Go . " Michael turned large eyes to Eric , but fled when the look didn 't soften . Eric swallowed hard . Now at least he knew where the root of the problem lie . It was all connected with the events of that September day , and his leaving to help had just compounded the issue . Michael just couldn 't find a way to talk about it , probably because he felt a lot of guilt . Guilt for the bridge , for pulling Eric off duty , for such an unMichael like attention seeking gesture . Eric took a calculated gamble and got to his feet , heading for the stairs . Right now he intended to spank Michael and deal with those issues before talking anymore , hoping that gave Michael a feeling of being absolved from some of it . Then they could get on with fixing the communication gap that developed . Michael sniffed again . " I know . I wanted to show you I was behind you - I have always been that - but I was afraid you 'd feel guilty or not go if I told you I was having trouble . " " Maybe because it 's happening now , to people like us . " Eric said into his hair . " It 's a historical event , but it 's real and it 's here . And maybe because it could have been us . " Michael looked at the ground , unsure of how to answer that . Finally he looked back up . " I didn 't know how to handle that . You did . " " No , I didn 't , and I still don 't . You didn 't have to scare me like that . Scare ALL of us . " Matthew didn 't want to be accusing , but he couldn 't help it . Michael 's eyes filled with tears . " I know . It was really stupid , and I 'm sorry . I . . . I never thought about . . . you know . I didn 't mean to make you think that . It . . it was the stupidest way to get a conversation started . I 'm sorry . " Michael turned quickly , wiping at his eyes . He couldn 't stand the anger he felt emanating from his best friend . " Yes . We 've talked . A lot . And he spanked . Hard . And I 'm still listening , and we 're still talking . You . . . I mean I won 't be seeing you much for a while , I 'm grounded . I . . . I just wanted - - " Matthew pulled him into a rough hug . " I just wanted you to be okay . " Rolf and Ranger 's Next Book will be called The Mary Ellen Carter . The Mary Ellen Carter and other works in progress can be read at either the Falls Chance Ranch Discussion Group or the Falls Chance Forum before they are posted here at the blog . So come and talk to the authors and be a part of a work in progress . Do you want to read the FCR Books and Short Stories on your E - Reader ? Well , lucky for you , e - book files can be found inboth the Yahoo Group and the Discussion Forum . Falls Chance Ranch Books " Someone should explain to him , he might be big and loomy but he 's American and he 's not allowed to do weird things like canes . " ~ Wade in Three Traders " It 's eight thirty ! " ~ Nick " Nick , my powers of observation really aren 't bad for my age . " ~ Damien , Strike 3 Ranger 's Stories A catless writer is almost inconceivable . It 's a perverse taste , really , since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat ; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys . ~ Barbara Holland E - mail Ranger " Yes I trust you , yes I 'm fine with treating you like a ten year old with a comic and yes they 're still staying down here tonight . I 'll put them in the study . Bed . " ~ Paul , Mustang Hill Total Pageviews |
Hey there ! Thanks for dropping by Just Call us " The Hecks " ! Take a look around and grab the RSS feed to stay updated . See you around ! We have some " interesting " neighbors that have moved in that have made us more vigilant when it comes to making sure things are locked up when we leave , etc . I hate feeling like this in my own home . It didn 't used to be like this . Well we are very active in our church and attend meetings every Sunday . When you live in the type of neighborhood I live in , most people know when you are gone on Sundays and at what times and for how long . This is information that you really don 't want people knowing if they want to break into your house . Two weeks ago , we came home from church and I had just come out of the bathroom . I was singing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald , or at least trying to because I couldn 't past " Chippewa on down " because I couldn 't remember the words . So I was in my own little world trying to figure out what the next words were . I came around the end of my bed and turned to go out the door when something grabbed my ankle from underneath the bed . I really shouldn 't have to explain my reaction . It was like having a near death experience . I screamed for at least 2 minutes before I heard my daughter laughing . She is lucky she started laughing or the adrenaline might have jumped and I might have started kicking her in the face . I seriously had to sit down after this . Have you ever been scared so bad that your heart hurt ? My heart was pounding so hard it hurt . I sat there breathing hard and holding my breath . Like Fred Sanford does when the " Big One " is coming : Our first day we embarked on a river raft trip down the Snake River . I was all stoke for this until we actually got to the river . All of a sudden , I remembered the time I almost drown as a kid and I started getting really nervous . Not to mention that the entire boat contained young girls between the ages of 12 and 18 . Then there were four women and on guide . In my mind I kept thinking , " Shouldn 't we have at least one more guide so if I fall in someone can help me back in , while the other guides the boat ? " No , no more guides just Alex . As we started off down the calmer part of the river , Alex was good as relieving our fears and told us he hadn 't lost anyone yet . This particular sentence wasn 't very comforting because I had a doctor tell me he had never had any problems with a certain surgery and guess what … I was his first problem and nearly died . So I kept thinking to myself , I will be the first of Alex 's " losses " . I came on this trip with three of my children , one daughter and two sons . I knew two of my children were the adventurous type , but my one son really surprised me . You could get a bracelet for jumping into the river at a certain point . He actually jumped into the water . My daughter was the first on our boat , which was not surprising , to jump in and my other son … He had to do it three times . I am not sure I would have been that adventurous at their age . At one point my " safe " son was actually " riding the bull " at the front of the boat through the waves . This really surprised me . After we got on the bus , my younger " crazier " son informed me that he had ridden the bull through the lunch counter . This almost gave me a heart attack . I guess he figured it was better to do it and then ask for permission later . This kid will be the death of me . By the time we ended the trip I was really wanting more river to conquer as was most of the girls . The whole trip was designed to get us out of our comfort zone and try new things . I was definitely out of my comfort zone and would in fact do this again . It was very fun . I am an extremely jumpy and paranoid person . Because of experiences growing up , I am extremely cautious when put in some situations . A couple of weeks before coming on this trip , we had a retired police officer come and speak to the girls about being safe and how to avoid bad situations . It was very informative and added to my paranoid nature . While we were playing night games , I started to get really thirsty . I noticed a building by the football field where we were playing . I decided that I would walk over and see if there was a drinking fountain . Now it was dark and the only light came from a couple of street lights and some flashlights the kids had . When I got to the building and noticed it was restrooms , I decided I was use the facilities while there . As I approached a door to see which bathroom I was at , a voice came out of the dark asking me what we were doing . I nearly died . I couldn 't see anyone and could only tell in what direction the voice was coming from . I knew the voice was not attached to anyone I knew so I was extremely startled . I explained that we were playing capture the flag and the person asked a couple of more questions . At this point I had a few red flags going up in my head . I decided to leave the conversation and continue on to my destination … the lady 's room . When I got to the back side of the building , I started getting more and more nervous . I realized that I had just put myself in an extremely volatile situation . I was behind a building , in the dark and a stranger knew I was there and I was pretty sure that a few or anyone even knew the stranger was there . I decided to go into the bathroom anyway because at this point I really had to go and couldn 't wait . When I entered the bathroom , the light automatically came on , which kind of scared me because I was already on edge . I got in the stall and did my duty and as I was getting ready to go out of the stall , the lights went off . I nearly had a heart attack . I kid you not , I thought I was about to get involved in a smack down and no one would a hear a thing that happened . I stood there with hand on handle listening and waiting to see if I could hear anything . After a couple of minutes had passed , I knew I couldn 't stay in the stall all night and that I had to come out . I slowly opened the door and tried to look in the dark for any movement . Because the stall door next to me was opened , it blocked any dim view I had of the exit . I stood there for what seemed an eternity before I finally shoved the stall door next to me hoping that if someone was on the other side of it , I would knock them out on impact . After the door stopped swinging , I listened for noise and didn 't hear anything , so I decided to head for the exit . I took about four steps when the light came on . I stood there with a deer in the headlight look thinking I was going to see the perp in front of me who had shut off the light , but there was no one . After my heart slowed to 300 bm I realized it was possible that the lights were automatic in some way . This did not remove the fear I was feeling . I stood with hand on the exit door handle for about five minutes trying to figure out what I should do . Do I slowly open the door and look side to side or do I just bust out like the flippin ' john was on fire . I came to the conclusion that if someone was out there , they would be surprised by my bolting out of there and thus giving me an upper hand . I later found out that this guy ending up being obnoxious and thus ending the kids ' night of fun . Which confirmed my suspicions of the guy to begin with . I shook for quite a while afterwards . The next day of our adventures took us to a ropes course at in the middle of nowhere in Idaho . Here we would be facing our fears on a rock wall and zip line . I was really stoked for this and thought it would be fun . When we arrived , I soon noticed how secluded it was and how some of the trails were hard to see . Now we had been seeing bear warning signs along the road , so in the back of my mind there was a small thought of perhaps running into one . As we were walking along this trail to a hidden pavilion , all of a sudden I see a giant brown head . I nearly dropped dead right there until I realized it was a brown lab . I told myself what a stupid idiot I was to get so scared and the chances of seeing a bear would be slim to none . Well that fear was intensified when the advisors of the course told us that a black bear had just come through there earlier that morning . Geez ! Are you kidding me ? Now to add to the anxiety of the zip line , I was freaked out over seeing a bear . My mother 's cousin was mauled by a bear in Alaska and the story was published in a book . I had been reading this book earlier this year and decided that I would never come within 100 yards of an Alder bush . This whole book was about grizzly bears coming out of Alder bushes . When we finally got to the rock wall , I was nervous but I had done a rock wall a couple of times before so it wasn 't too bad . It was when I got to the top and realized that the only way down was the zip line . I don 't know how I had ever talked myself into this , but me and heights have never been bff 's and it wasn 't about to start this day either . I stood there in almost a frozen fear of how high I was and how it was intended for me to get down . I shook as the advisor hooked me up to the zip line , thinking how stupid I was to agree to this . We were at least 30 feet in the air and one had to walk out on this plank that was no wider than 2 feet and perhaps 2 1 / 2 long . It looked like 4 inches square from where I was standing . I climbed out on the plank holding on to the telephone pole behind me like a stinkin ' cat . I stood there with everyone cheering me on and trying to get up the nerve to go . I just could not get myself to jump . I kept telling myself to do it and just get it over with , but I couldn 't . Then I looked below and there stood my two sons , yelling at me " You can do it Mom ! " . I knew at this point , I had to jump . They had to see that their mother was not a wuss . I truly believe I passed out on the jump because it was a blur and then I am pretty sure I woke up the entire community of Driggs from my scream . I screamed , and screamed and screamed . Was it fun ? In a sick sort of way . Would I do it again ? Not entirely sure . As we were leaving the course to go to the cars , it was getting dark and I realized I was on a trail that was surrounded by what looked like Alder bushes . I nearly plowed over those in front of me trying to get to the cars . If there was anything that scared me more than that dang zip line , it would be something coming out of those bushes and getting me . So did I face my fears ? I felt like I was the entire trip . Do I think I handled them well ? Perhaps some of them , others not so much so . I know it is a job and someone has to do it , but in my opinion the salesman is the worst job on the planet . I sometimes think a prerequisite for this job title is being obnoxious . The job in and of itself is obnoxious in nature . To mix that with a personality of someone who has to be pushed to her limits before she would mistreat someone is nothing more than a setup to get taken advantage of . As I have gotten older it is a lot harder for me to mistreat someone . I haven 't always been kind and have said hurtful things in the past , but it is just not in my nature anymore to mistreat someone . I have to get really mad at someone before I rip into them and it takes a lot to get me to that point . I hate this about myself at times because it sets me up to get taken advantage of . My husband on the other hand is not like that , but I force him to be because I don 't want to hurt someone 's feelings . I don 't think I have done him any favors . Don 't get me wrong , my husband is a very kind , honest and truthful person and his fault to this is that he thinks everyone else is and so he trust people whom he shouldn 't . Women 's intuition plays into this somewhat because if I have any red flags go up over anything , I don 't trust very quickly . I am honest also , I am just more cautious . This is where run ins with salesmen are just horrible for me . I don 't trust any of them because of the experiences I have had with them and yet , I can 't mistreat them . My mother didn 't take garbage off of anyone and my father was the opposite . I am most like my father in this way , but it took a salesman for me to see a side of my father I did not know existed . When I was four years of age I remember being at home with my mom one day when a salesman tried breaking into our home . My mom was on the phone to her sister when the guy tried every door in the house . Her and I was curled up in a corner of the kitchen hiding with the phone hoping the guy would leave . It scarred me . I have never been trusting of them since this and I haven 't had one that has changed my mind . Another time when after I was married and was home alone a guy showed up selling something . I told him I wasn 't interested and he insisted on coming back when my husband got home . I thought to myself that if the guy showed up I wouldn 't open the door . I had to leave for some reason and had put a note on a whiteboard for my husband that said this , " Some obnoxious salesman said he was going to show up tonight . If he comes , don 't answer the door " . Well , I came home and had gone upstairs for awhile , pretty soon my husband called me and as I came downstairs there stood the salesman . My husband obviously didn 't see the note I left for him , but the salesman did . At that point , the look that guy gave me sent shivers down my spine . He was extremely angry . He said nothing and stomped out of the house . After he left , my husband asked me what was up with that … . I pointed out the big note I had left him . We both laughed pretty hard over it even though I was a little rattled over the look he gave me . Years ago when I was a teen , a Kirby vacuum salesman came to our home . My mother answered the door and told the guy she was not interested . He became extremely pushy and even trying to forcing himself into the door . My mother had braced her foot against the door to keep him from getting in , but the guy was still trying . This is where my father showed up and told the guy with " fist in the air " to get out or he would do something he regretted . The guy left , but we soon found out that he had been causing problems like this throughout the whole neighborhood . We reported him and he never came back . I am not sure what rigors Kirby goes through to train their salesmen , but they are the closest thing to Satan 's spawn I know of . I don 't have a peep - hole on my front door and have opened the door to many a people I would have preferred to keep the door shut on . The Kirby salesman who came back later peeping in my daughter 's window was one of them . I threatened Kirby that if one of their salesmen ever came back I would call the cops on them . It didn 't stop them . A few years later I had one show up that tried to force his way into my house . He didn 't come right out and tell me the company he represented or else I would have followed through on my threat . I refuse to let anyone in my home when I am here alone . He was trying every means possible to get into my home to demonstrate a shampooer . When I told him that I have a shampooer then he started on a vacuum , this is where the red flags started going up . I immediately told him I was not interested , I was supposed to get a free set of knives despite the fact . Eight years later and I have not received them . It wasn 't until I got a follow - up phone call from Kirby that I realized that they were the company this guy represented . I went off on them again and threatened them with a lawsuit . I haven 't seen them since , but that don 't mean they won 't try some other way to get in . In 1992 a woman was raped by a Kirby salesmen . In 2010 a Kirby salesman hit a poor man in the head with a handheld vacuum when he was asked to leave the property . These people are evil . The list of crimes these people commit against others is deplorable . Next to these guys in line for the Satan 's Spawn title would be insurance salesmen . When my husband and I were newlyweds we had one show up on our doorstep . I swear they scope the neighborhoods looking for new move ins . From the start I knew this guy was a scam artist . He started his sales pitch by telling my husband and I all of his marriage problems . I thought to myself … " Are you selling insurance or needing marriage counseling ? " If it was marriage counseling I would have told him his first mistake was telling complete strangers way too much information about his personal life . My husband and I patiently sat through 3 hours of his going on and on about his life . I was about ready to take a bullet just to put myself out of misery . Neither one of us wanted to be mean because of the sad story he had just given us . When he finally got around to selling the insurance , he showed me a list of people who had signed up with him . One name in particular jumped out at me . It was a lady that I had used to work with that had cancer . After the sucker left , I called her and she told me she had no idea who this guy was and that he was lying . He had somewhere gotten medical information about people that he was fraudulently using . We thought we would not see the guy again after we told him we weren 't interested . Nay , nay … a month or so later he showed up as we were leaving . This time I let my husband do his thing and he pretty much told him where to go and how to get there . The list goes on and on . Salesmen remind me of Bill Clinton . In what way you ask ? Bill Clinton seemed to think that there was more than one definition for the word " is " during his scandal with Monica Lewinsky . ? ? ? ? What ? Is ? Salesmen seem to think that there is more than one definition for the word " No " . Since a small babe in arms , I knew what no meant and if I did the opposite I would get it . Salesmen don 't seem to know how to differentiate between No and No . Case in point : Yesterday , someone knocked on my door . I was expecting a delivery that I had to sign for . Thought it was them only to find myself in that all too familiar uncomfortable spot of being face to face with a salesman . The guy asked how I was doing … 1st red flag … Then he was halfway up the sidewalk and I wasn 't sure why until he asked . . " We are selling meat and wondered if you had ever bought from us ? " I said no and before I knew it he was running back to his truck to grab the other guy and boxes of meat . Didn 't give me one chance to decline . If I had a backbone , I would have shut the door and locked it just then . They pretty much came right through my front door and headed for my kitchen … 2nd red flag . I wondered how the guy knew where he was going . This still disturbs me . I kindly told him to come back to my front room . Within seconds flat he had 10 boxes of meat out on the floor pitching numbers and cost faster than you can say , " Bob 's yer Uncle " … . 3rd red flag . He was trying to trick me into accepting his offer by asking me if I would use it … I thought what kind of stupid question is that . If you buy food , don 't you usually eat it ? After he told me that the cost of meat would be $ 3000 for a 3 months supply , that was it . I told him I did not have that kind of money . Then comes the " My boss will give you a deal " pitch . I hate this by - the - way , it really insults what little intelligence I have . I am thinking to myself , if your boss allows a deal then why are you trying to scam people for double that cost … . 4th red flag . Despite me telling him numerous times that I won 't buy he keeps going from one angle to the next . Finally he asked if they were wasting their time . I told him yes . He then asks me to tell him a name of a friend to go sale to and in exchange I would get a free box of meat . I absolutely refuse to do that to anyone . The ironic thing is that this is a farming community where a lot of the people grow their own beef . Which I informed him hoping he would leave people alone . I don 't think it phased him . After they left , I yelled at myself for 2 hours about how stupid I was to let them walk right into my home . If these two had bad intentions , I would have been in an extremely bad situation . I have gone years without a " no solicitation " sign on my door , but decided to put one up yesterday because I am sick of the confrontations . Ironically enough , my daughters were against this . We had a warm 1 hour discussion on how I need to " man - up " and just get mean . " Tell them no , mom " they said . My dear sweet daughters don 't realize that doesn 't work . They were embarrassed by everything I put on the sign . I made it myself and was quite proud of it . But … what makes me laugh at this whole thing … . my daughter asked me to excuse her from her first hour today . Why you ask ? She received a love letter from a boy in that class and she didn 't want to face him . Ironic isn 't it ? My response … " Man - up you can 't avoid it forever " . I then asked her if she wanted me to make her a sign . . in which she refused . So the saying " Jumpier than a one - legged man in a butt kicken contest " could not describe me more . I don 't like being scared . Nothing is worse than watching a scary movie and having someone scare you just before you are " supposed " to get scared or having someone come up behind you unexpectedly . I had an incident that happened to me a few years ago that almost ruined my life as I know it . I used to walk religiously at 6 : 00 a . m . everyday , 6 days a week . Never missed . With this came the ability to recognize cars and know when they pass . Most of them would pass me at the same time of morning . One particular morning I was walking and I came upon this really sharp corner . I heard this truck coming and I knew how this particular driver drove . I decided to cross the street rather than run the risk of this kid hitting me on the inside corner . As I crossed the road and turned the corner , there sat a car that was not supposed to be there . I immediately recognized it as a car that should have been passing me about 30 minutes later from this time . I didn 't realize that someone was in the car until I walked by . Thanks to the crazy kid driver in the truck , I was not forced to walk directly by the car , I was on the other side of the road . When I realized someone was in the car and it was parked behind some piles of dirt , things started feeling weird to me . All the hairs on my neck started standing up and I knew that something was not right with the situation . I immediately pulled out my cell phone and called me sister who lived across the street from me . My husband was at work and I needed someone quick . While not letting this guy know I suspected anything , I kept walking in the same direction . He pulled out and turned the corner only to turn around and come back up the street behind me . I held my breath and walked as fast as I could , all the time waiting for my brother - in - law to show up . The car drove by me slowly and as soon as it was a hundred feet or so in front of me , I turned and hauled butt so fast that I nearly sat the road on fire . My brother - in - law was just up the street and got me just seconds from the time I turned around . I learned from this experience to never be predictable in some situations . I also have become extremely jumpy and I blame a lot of it on this situation and also from a lot of break - ins or attempted break - ins to the homes I lived in as a kid . I have many weapons by my bed and my husband is scared to come into the house unannounced . We were going to go look at a couch a lady was selling and my son was riding with me , while my husband was riding with our neighbor . We were at our the house just getting ready to leave when my sons says , " Mom , did you check the car to make sure no one was in it ? " I told him no , that dad had just been in the Durango and I knew no one was in there . " Still " , he said , we should check . This was more for his benefit I think . He turned on the inside light while we sat in the seats and looked behind and then turned off the light . All the while telling me that I should check things like that . While we were thus having this conversation , unbeknownst to me , my husband had walked up to the truck and knocked on my window . It was dark outside and I could barely see him . Can I just say that I absolutely needed a new pair of pants . I nearly jumped into my son 's lap . My husband was lucky I wasn 't packing any " heat " . We were a couple of miles up the road before my heart stopped pounding . This little side effect I have has been a joke in the family . A couple of Halloween 's ago , I was at my sister 's house and we had just got done doing the whole trick - or - treating thing . We walked out the door to leave and me being completely stupid did not notice when my husband opened the door that my nieces husband was hiding in the back seat with a mask on . I was laughing and joking with the family and jumped in the car . No one else got in . I wondered for a split second what was taking them so long . I looked out my window and then turned to look at the driver side door to see where my husband was , when I came face to face with " The Mask " . I screamed a blood curdling scream , leapt out of the car nearly slamming the nephew in the door . This nearly killed me . I cannot begin to tell you had long after this incident I shook . The closest thing to a near death experience he and I may ever experience . Try as I might , I cannot overcome this problem . I just get more weapons to add to my arsenal . I really don 't think this is helping the situation . A jumpy woman with loads of weapons is an accident waiting to happen . Perhaps someday I will be the one getting the last laugh . Perhaps … . . My husband works graveyard every four weeks . He happened to start it this week . I really hate it , but it is a job what do you do . Because of him being gone at nights , I have a baseball bat , Walther , taser and various other items within arms reach of the bed . Call me paranoid … . I have a daughter that gets up early for school because she has to be there by 6 : 30 . When my husband works day shift , he leaves around 4 : 00 a . m . I am kind of used to hearing noises early and a lot of times it wakes me up . My inner clock is still screwed up from daylight savings time , so I have been waking up an hour before my alarm clock goes off . This morning , I was kind of waking up when I heard someone walking across the kitchen floor . My daughter usually turns on every light in the house because she doesn 't like the dark . She gets that from me . Anyway , I could tell through my closed eyes that no lights were on . I then heard the floor squeak at the bottom of my bed . I had left a laundry basket full of towels there and thought my daughter was getting one to get in the shower . My daughter 's dog that happened to be on my bed looked up but didn 't do anything . I waited for the light to come on and waited and waited . I opened my eyes but didn 't look directly at the foot of my bed . I had a light on my phone flashing in the corner of the room and looked at it to see if I could see a reflection . I saw nothing . About 3 minutes later , I felt the person walk past by bed and out of my room . I lay there with my heart racing and didn 't dare move . I finally turned over to see the clock to see if it was my daughter and it was too early for her to be up . I then heard a weird noise that sounded like a cell phone ringer of some sort . I stayed in bed for about 10 minutes , creeped out way more than I wanted to be . Finally I grabbed my bat for the sake of protecting my sleeping children and started through the house to see if someone was in it . I tiptoed quietly hugging the walls so as not to be seen or make the floor squeak to alert someone to my presence . I slowly checked all the rooms to find all of my children sound asleep . I stood in the kitchen with the bat drawn wondering who in the heck … . . ? As I turned to go back to my room , I ran smack into a chair that I could not see in the dark . So whoever came through my kitchen missed the chair in the dark , but I did not . Typical … Gave myself a good knot on the shin . I could not go back to sleep to save my life . I was so freaked out . When it came time to get everyone up , including my daughter whose alarm did not go off , it was 20 questions time . I was asking everyone who was walking through the house in the dark because they nearly got the carp beat out of them with the bat . No one knows anything . No one heard anything , no one remembers anything …… . . weird . Really weird … . I have a son that is known to sleep walk , but he also sleeps with one of the dogs who usually comes running out of the room the minute his door is open . But no dog to be seen anywhere . Baffles the mind . Hope I can sleep tonight . " When the world 's evil combined against them , they united to form the most powerful team in the universe . There was Batman , who brought his money and his toys . Spiderman , who , though he had let himself go over the years , could spin one heck of a web . Bat Girl , brave enough to wear spandex at her age . Captain America , who brought his military prowess . Word Girl , whose vocabulary and quick wit could get anyone out of a sticky situation . And Robin , who started working out every day for six years . Together , they formed … The Defenders of Justice and Awesomeness ! " - Arianna Rees ( by the way , the spandex cut was uncalled for ) Well the Rees family favorite time of the year has arrived . We seriously start planning what our costumes will be for the next year , the day after Halloween . Our tradition of family themes started about 12 years ago . Not sure how it happened or what , but it has been something that my kids will always remember and hopefully cherish . Not only that , in Halloween tradition we pick a store to go shopping at at the end of the day , yes … in full costume . That tradition started the year we were all dressed up as Star War characters and I needed milk . We were right by the store and my husband asked if I needed anything while we were in town . At first , I was too embarrassed to go in , then I thought … . no one will know who I am anyway and besides I wasn 't going to waste gas . We all went into the store and got a standing ovation by the employees . This just fueled the flames more . We have already been invited to a store this year . So in the LDS church we have what we call Family Home Evening . It is where once a week we gather as a family and learn about Christ and then we have activities , treats etc . Usually the kids are assigned different aspects of the evening whether that be teaching the lesson , making the treat , deciding the activity , etc . Last night along with the activity we decided in the spirit of Halloween to tell scary stories . I pulled out a couple of Edgar Allen Poe 's classics and then a few ghost stories that I heard as a kid . One son decided it was not for him and put on headphones . According to my children , the stories were predictable . Of course they had heard the Tale Tell Heart . Anyway , no one really acted like it spooked them . I wasn 't even rattled or so I thought . Grossed out maybe , but not scared . We decided to play Uno and my daughter had the cards in her car . It was dark and I had to go out to get them . As I stepped out into the dark , clear night I turned to see a white moving object off to the right that was not part of my yard . I jumped about 3 feet and screamed only to realize it was the neighbor 's dog . Of course , my son happened to be standing at the door and eyewitnessed the little event . So much for keeping that one quiet . That one will be laughed at for about 1 week . I was more creeped out than what I thought . It is amazing how fast the adrenaline can pump through ones veins when fear is present . Had that dog been any closer , it would have probably been suffering from a roundhouse kick to the knees and an upper cut to the jaw . I don 't do scary . I do not like being scared and when I am the whole body becomes a weapon . That is a fact . If I have anything within reaching distance , it too becomes a weapon . My husband works weird schedules and even he is afraid to come into the house unexpected during the night . He is afraid of what I might do to him . As a child I was scarred by people trying to break into our house many times and it has messed me up . We moved around a lot and I know of ten times someone tried to break into our house . Some of those houses had repeat offences . Then people wonder why I am the way I am . Sheesh . Anyway , here is the rest of the gang in all their glory . From our " Ultimate Alliance " to yours . Have a great Halloween and don 't do anything illegal . |
People always say that writing down your experiences can help you to understand them . At least that 's what they say . Here 's hoping that there 's some truth to this . I had saved up and planned this trip for a while . For my fortieth birthday , I was going to visit my roots in Scotland . I had done my research , and found that though my surname had no clan of its own , we were a sept of the Clan Keith . They have been a large part of Scotland 's history , serving as Earl Marshals since they had served Macolm II by slaying the Danish general Camus . I was all set to travel . Flight planned , rentals arranged , and kilt packed . I was going to travel through the great old country in " classic " style . Everything was set . I decided that I was going to start a little further south , by stopping off at StoneHenge first . The great standing stones were even more breathtaking in person . The cool air coming from the plains was refreshing . But the chill that I felt running down my spine was not from the weather . I had a feeling that someone or something was staring at me . The feeling stayed with me for the whole trip across the border . As I drove north into Scotland I couldn 't help thinking back to my Stonehendge stop . I tried to figure out just what it was that had me on edge . My mind was so caught up with this situation , that I had taken my mind off the road . I came back to the present with a sudden shock , as a horse and rider came bolting over a hedge by the side of the road . The horse was of a pale white with dark spots scattered over its body . And the rider was wearing some old period clothing . The only true detail that I could make out was that he had a great kilt on , with the full regalia of weapons , from the dirk and targe , down to a basket hilted sword flopping along his hip . I didn 't have the time to recognize his tartan , as I was about to make road pizza of him and his horse . But as I slammed on brakes and turned to see if I had caused any troubles for him , I found myself alone on the road . With this latest development , I was really looking forward to the inn and a tall pint of local ale . I pulled into the town , and found my way easily to the inn where I had booked my week long stay . After settling into my room , I went down stairs to enjoy the pint I had in mind . The pub was crowded with what seemed to be a regular crowd . I could hear music coming from one side of the room , nearly being drowned out by the ruckus laughter and story telling of some of the older men . I was polishing off my second glass when someone came up beside me at the bar and asked if I was familiar with the area . I told them that I , an American , and had just arrived in the town myself . As we talked , I found out that the person was taking a similar trip through Scotland as I was . We decided that it would be easier if we both made our respective journeys together . So we decided to meet outside the pub in the morning . As the sun began to break over the horizon , I found myself waiting outside alone . As the decided time came and went , I finally chose to leave my new found friend to whatever devices they had found themselves with . The rain was beating a slow rhythm on the roof of my car as I headed off to the town of Stonehaven . I was heading visit the old castle ruins of Dunnottar Castle . As I started to walk the remains of the castle I started hearing my name from behind me . My acquaintance from the previous night had found their way up to Stonehaven after I had left . It seems that they had overslept due to the night 's frivolity , but they seemed no worse for the wear . We started to delve deeper into the ruins , studying all the little crevices of the relics , that I had failed to notice that the sun was slowly edging closer to western horizon . I started to notice that not only was the light starting to fade , but the air was getting unseasonably cold . It was then that I felt the same eerily dark eyes on me as I felt at Stonehendge . It seemed that a fog was finding its way into the castles deeper reaches . As I turned to tell my companion that it was past time to leave , I was confronted with the same Scot that I had seen on the road the evening before . It was then that I noticed the skin on the man was nearly transparent , and hanging loosely from around his face . He was standing in the way of the only exit from the room I was in . As he crept closer to me , I realized that he seemed familiar . This was the same person that I had spoken with at the pub . The same man that had left me waiting that morning . As these realizations flew through my mind , I also was frantically trying to find a way out of my current predicament . The man drew closer until the breath of the crypt filled my nostrils . He reached out his hand and motioned that I should follow him . " Brother ! Do you not know of whose home you now tread ? Was it not a fortnight ago , that we roamed these halls , boasting of the game we had hunted ? Does your blood not sing with the memories of these walls , of the Glory of the clan ? Come and join us again Brother ! " These words echo through my mind even now . That was two years ago for me . When the apparition had finished his speech , it was the last thing I remembered before waking up in the same room that I had first realized what it was . As the memory of the previous day flooded back to me , I ran . I couldn 't tell you how I had found my way back into Stonehaven . Especially with as much as it had seemed to change overnight . When I found the police station , the constable in charge sat me into a room alone while he handled tracking down some of my information . When he came back to check on me , he was accompanied by a pair of large men in white suits . It seems that when I left on my trip in 1956 , I had been presumed dead after seven year as with no trace . They tell me that I must have fabricated a new reality when something tragic happened to me . That I must be someone else . Because no one of my age could have possibly been alive for decades without aging . For as long as I can remember , the name " Fergus MacDuff " has been a part of my consciousness . When I was a child , my parents used the name as a threat or motivation for correction . " If you don 't clean your plate , Fergus MacDuff will get you . " " Clean your room or Fergus MacDuff will find you in the night . " As kids , we imagined Fergus MacDuff lived under our beds , his long , dirty fingers grasping for our ankles every time we went to turn in for the night . Most of the time we would run to our beds and take a long dive onto the safety of the mattress , relieved we avoided another murderous grasping attempt by old Fergus MacDuff . The reality was that Fergus MacDuff didn 't live under our beds but rather in an old shack a block from the abandon gas station a quarter of a mile from our house . Or at least that 's what all the kids at school said . We were all very aware of the dilapidated Fergus MacDuff house that sat it the middle of the overgrown plot of land we had to pass when we walked down to the ball field . People would tell stories about seeing Fergus MacDuff standing in the shadows of his porch , watching all of us kids playing across the street . Some people said they saw him clutching a butcher knife . Ginny Blair said she saw him holding a chain saw . Troy Bolin claimed he once crept up the weedy pathway to Fergus MacDuff 's door , only to find him sitting on his porch pulling feathers off of a bloody chicken . No matter the variety of stories , one detail was always consistent . Everyone claimed they saw old Fergus MacDuff wearing a dress . Why that old man would wear a dress , I couldn 't imagine and I don 't know why but that was the thing about him the creeped me out the most . In sixth grade my best friend was Dewey Milk . Yes , that was his real name and no , you couldn 't come up with a new name joke that Dewey hadn 't heard a million times before . For three or four years Dewey Milk and I were inseparable . We always pretended we were Mulder and Scully , only in our fantasy world , I was Mulder and Dewey always wanted to be Agent Scully . He would always say it was because of his red hair but I knew he had more personal reasons . Dewey Milk and I would travel the neighborhood investigating all rumors of paranormal activity . It was usually just blowing the lid off of crazy tales we heard around town like Mrs . Stallings ' possessed cat or the space alien someone said the Berrier 's were hiding in their dairy barn . We never really found anything , of course , but we thought we were making some sort of difference in the safety of the neighborhood and it was all just innocent fun . Innocent , that is , until one day when Dewey Milk suggested we climb the back fence of the abandon gas station , crawl through the weeds and get our own view of Fergus MacDuff . Sometimes in life you do things that you would normally find so terrifying , you just have to shut your mind off and do it . Like pulling off an old band - aid . Don 't think about it , just do it . That 's how I felt about Dewey Milk 's suggestion . I said " yes " without thinking much about it and I told him we should do it immediately since it was starting to get dark and I knew in a few more minutes my mom would be calling me in for dinner . But , really , I wanted to get moving before I talked myself out of it . We quickly scaled the gas station fence and soon found ourselves on our stomachs in five foot weeds . The sky was that deep indigo glow which happens right before everything goes completely black dark . Dewey Milk was right next to me and I was sure he would be able to hear the thumping of my heart if it wasn 't for the pulsing screams of the cicadas . We laid there for what seemed like two hours . I wasn 't exactly sure what we were looking for as we stared at the silhouette of the old shack . " Right there in the middle , " Dewey Milk said . " See , it 's a window . You can see a little orange glow coming from it . " I stared at the scraggly black building for a few moments . I had been looking at the remaining light from the sky but when I let my eyes adjust to the blackness of the old shack , I too could see a glow coming from what looked like a window . It was the first time I really thought about what were were doing and at that moment I realized I didn 't want to do it . Dewey Milk was right . We were engaged . It was too late to abort the mission . And before I could agree with him I heard a whimper come from him and then a low , gurgling choking sound . And before I could ask if he was okay , I felt cold , leathery fingers grab the shirt at t he back of my neck and pull tight . I couldn 't tell what was happening but I could feel my entire body being lifted from the ground . I looked over at Dewey and could barely see his face as he looked behind me . I knew from the panic on his face , the bony fingers that had me in their grasp belonged to none other than Fergus McDuff . The next few minutes moved super fast . I don 't remember moving from the cover of the weeds to inside the old shack but in the blink of an eye , there we were sitting in front of a small , soot - covered fireplace in what I assumed was the living room of Fergus McDuff . It was difficult to really determine where we were though . In every inch of the house was piled boxes and books and paper and trash and mounds and mounds of shit . How anyone could live in that environment , I don 't know . It smelled like old water , old food and dead animals . No telling how many bodies of mice , rats , possums , raccoons , and who knows what else were rotting under the piles of garbage . It was sometimes difficult to tell if we were indoors or out doors . I guess I 'm still not sure . I looked at Dewey Milk sitting next to me and noticed he too was scanning the contents of the room while at the same time trying to figure out if there might be some miracle way of darting out of the room . I could see the silhouette of Fergus MacDuff sitting in a chair in the dark . I could hear the clunking of metal which I eventually recognized as the sound of a spoon in a can . Was Fergus MacDuff eating while holding us prisoner ? After a few minutes an empty can of corned beef hash flung out of the darkness and hit me on the bottom of my shoe . I heard a hacking cough in the middle of the blackness , the crinkling of paper and chewing noises . Dewey Milk reached over and touched me on the knee and pointed at the fireplace . On the mantle I could see twenty or thirty little handmade dolls lined up in a raw . They were crudely made but each one had it 's own distinctive look . Skinny dolls , fat dolls , boys with glasses , girls with braces , one doll in a wheelchair , just a lot of different dolls . I looked at Dewey Milk and he shrugged . I knew what he was thinking . What would this creepy old man be doing with all of these dolls ? I was thinking something else . Why did Fergus MacDuff bring us here and what was he going to do with us ? After about forty five minutes sitting on the dirt floor in front of the fireplace I had had enough . " Can we go home , " I asked . My mom and dad are going to worried and they 're going to start looking for me . " I waited for a response from the dark and heard only a guttural noise which I couldn 't make out to be Fergus MacDuff clearing his throat or laughing at me . " Ginny ! " Dewey Milk whispered . " Ginny ? " I whispered back . Dewey Milk pointed at one of the dolls on the mantle . It was a doll with curly brown hair and big wire glasses , almost as big as her entire face . He was right . The doll looked like Ginny Blair . In fact , I suddenly recognized another doll . The one with braces has to be Carol Thornton . And there was Ray Beale . Johnny Brooks was there , Renee Kincaid and the wheelchair doll was definitely Kimmy Morgan . Dewey and I looked at each other with wide eyes . We both recognized our entire class there on top of Fergus MacDuff 's fireplace . I could feel tears pooling in my eyes . I was terrified and I wanted to get out of that creepy house . I scanned the room for an exit opportunity . I was hard to see anything through the piles of trash but I noticed an open door in the room across from the living room . That was my chance . I caught Dewey Milk 's eyes and subtly ran a pointed finger across the floor toward the open door . I counted in my mind , ready to dash toward freedom . Five … four … three … two … one … Suddenly a large pile of trash moved in front of me and blocked the open door . No . It wasn 't a pile of trash after all . It was Fergus MacDuff . The glow from the fire let me see Fergus for the first time . He was like a mountain . His hair and beard looked like the weeds we hid in out side his house . His face was wrinkled and looked like it was made of an old horse saddle . A wet stream of tobacco juice ran down the corner of his mouth . He reached over my head and for the first time I noticed the dress everyone talked about was an old kilt like the one I saw in a book about Scotland at the school library . Only , this one looked like it hadn 't been washed in 100 years . I looked up at Fergus MacDuff as he grasped for a doll on the mantle . Holding his arm at a 90 degree angle he danced the doll over his arm and made squeaky noises . The doll was chubby with bright red curly hair . I immediately recognized it as the doll version of Dewey Milk . Fergus MacDuff cackled with a phlegmy laugh . He was obviously highly entertained at his puppet show . He slowly handed the doll to Dewey Milk but when Dewey reached out to take it , Fergus MacDuff quickly tossed it into the fire where it instantly ignited into a ball of flame . Again , Fergus MacDuff laughed with an even bigger cackle of phlegm . I scanned the fireplace for my doll . I knew I was the next star of Fergus MacDuff 's show . I was a lanky girl with a short , bob hair style and tomboy clothes . But none of the dolls looked anything close to me . It didn 't make sense to me . Why would everyone else in our class be there on his fireplace mantle in doll form but not me ? I turned to look at Fergus MacDuff and he started down at me like he knew what I was thinking . His bony fingers moved down between his legs . He fondled around on the old leather pouch on the front of his kilt until he opened it . He reached inside and pulled out a crushed , misshapen doll . He ran his fingers over the doll a bit until it smoothed out some and then he handed the doll to me . He started laughing the biggest laugh yet and turned and walked into the dark part of his house and closed a door . Dewey Milk and I immediately ran to the door and kept running as fast as we could toward my house , the laughter of Fergus MacDuff fading into a soft echo behind us . When morning came I found myself questioning whether my experience with Fergus MacDuff the night before was real or a dream . I wanted to ask Dewey Milk , but his mom said he went with his grandparents to a church function . My dad was sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee . I asked him what he knew about Fergus MacDuff . " Fergus MacDuff ? " He asked , surprised . " Well , honey , I think you 're old enough to know the truth about Fergus MacDuff . There 's no real Fergus MacDuff . I mean , there was a Fergus MacDuff . A long time ago . He was a custodian at the school you go to but somebody said he was inappropriately … well , having communications with some of the kids . He was fired and he just went away by himself . Everyone started using his name as a kind of boogie man , you know ? " Last one to the porch will be killed by Fergus MacDuff ! " It started out as something funny but I guess it just became silly . Your mom and I always did it in a joking way . I don 't know , maybe it went too far . Anyway old Fergus MacDuff died ten years before you were born so there 's no way he 's ever going to get you . " I never talked to my parents about the night Dewey Milk and I spent in Fergus MacDuff 's creepy living room . It was a secret Dewey and I locked away in our own minds . We never even discussed it ourselves . Even though we were so close , eventually we drifted apart . Dewey 's parents moved to Montana and we wrote each other letters for a year but that stopped eventually . There was no email or Facebook then so it was easy to just gradually lose touch . The last time I heard from Dewey Milk was five years ago after my husband Alan and our son Daniel drown in a boat accident while on a fishing trip . Dewey heard about it from his sister and he called me to tell me how sorry he was . We both cried together on the phone and promised we would soon get together again . But we never did . Then I heard last week that Dewey Milk was on a business trip in Los Angeles and along with twenty two other people , was killed in a hotel fire . I was devastated . But I was also haunted by that night when Fergus MacDuff tossed Dewey 's doll into the fire place . I couldn 't stop thinking that maybe that had something to do with Dewey 's death . And it made me wonder the whereabouts of the doll Fergus gave to me . I hadn 't seen it in thirty years or so . Last I can remember , I put it in a cigar box my dad once gave me and I stored it in my attic . I decided to dig out that cigar box and take a look at that creepy old doll . I went into the attic and moved piles of boxes and other stored items . For a second it reminded me of the piles of junk in Fergus MacDuff 's living room . I found an old box of toys and mementos from my elementary school days and I pulled off the tape . It was mostly dusty plush toys , softball shirts and gloves and sports cards . I cleared away the layers of memories until I finally located the wood cigar box . I remember wrapping the box with rubber bands , ribbons and strings which I pulled and cut off . I opened the box expecting to see the crude , straw doll , but I was horrified . My god , the doll was not there . But what was there were two dolls I 'd never in my life seen before . A doll that looked exactly like my husband Alan and a smaller doll which … Oh , my god , how could that be ? Who put these other dolls in this old box ? And where … where was the old doll … of me … ? Behind my house was a steep incline and at the bottom of that incline was an old sawmill run by Elmer Nicely . The train tracks ran right along side Elmer 's sawmill and when a train would come through about once an hour all the windows in our house would tremble for about 10 minutes . Elmer also slaughtered hogs at his place so it was awfully nice when the train came by and masked the horrible squeals we 'd sometimes hear from his small wood slaughterhouse . There was a one - lane gravel road that cut between our house and the sawmill . I 'd see cars pass through there at all hours of the day and night but when I was a kid I 'd never been far down that old road . It just looked scary down there to me . The trees and kudzu was overgrown and the road looked like a path into a dark tunnel of leaves , vines , sticks and dust . I knew some people lived down that gravel road but I didn 't know anyone personally . They were mostly reclusive country people who liked to keep to themselves and I wasn 't one to go messing with them . When I got older my parents would let me walk down the old gravel road by myself . I remember the first time I went down past the sawmill , past the slaughterhouse , and found where the old road bent to the left and crossed the railroad track . At that point I couldn 't recognize any surroundings . It was like I was in some small backwood village . There were old , broken down , rusted trailers that people still lived in , nestled back in the brush . There were so many old houses I 'd never seen before and they looked like they 'd been pieced together with scrap wood and plastic and cardboard . There was an old creek that ran behind the houses I had no idea existed . Every other house it seemed had an old , mangy dog tied up to a tree or a rotting dog house . Something about the whole atmosphere made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up . Just past the shacks there was an old cornfield overgrown with weeds and brush . Hanging on a wood post was a pitiful looking scarecrow with only one arm raised . Like he was trying to hitchhike his way out of that place . For some unknown reason , the scarecrow 's owner had dressed it in a burlap kilt with an old piece of corn cob stuck on it as a kilt pin . Next to the corn field , sitting way back off the road was a decrepit , white , three - story wood house . All of the windows on the house were broken out and you would need a machete to get to the front door , but it was still a pretty impressive house among the dilapidated shacks . The old house looked like it had been quite something in its time and it made me want to do some research on it to find out its history . The next day , after seeing the old house , I was telling some of my school friends about it . One of my friends said , " That 's the old Lockhart house . " Then he said with a smile , " I 've heard it 's haunted . " Neither of us believed in ghosts or haunted houses but we 'd both seen how creepy the place looked . I wanted to find out more information about it but I wasn 't sure where to go for it . I 'd seen some of the Lockharts at the school and I knew they couldn 't live in that house . Or could they ? A few weeks later I was discussing the house again with school friends when I heard someone laughing at me . It was Chris Mullins . Chris was was a muscular , good - looking guy with more than a little Native American blood in him . He was one of the stars of the football team and a pretty nice guy and one of the few jocks who would actually spend any amount of time talking to someone like me . " That 's a great make - out place , " he said . " Get you a girl down there , she gets all scared , you tell her you 'll protect her … she 'll do pretty much anything you want . " Personally , I don 't think Chris Mullins ever needed a scary house to get a girl to do whatever he wanted but it was a nice tip anyway . " I 'm taking Jenny Quarles down there Friday after the game , " he said . " The only scary thing she needs to worry about is in my pants ! " he said . We all laughed . The football game that Friday night was on the night before Halloween and it was against one of our biggest rivals from the next county over . We won the game easily and the celebrations went on way into the night . But I decided to head on home a bit early . It was dark and blustery outside . There was a full moon 's light that would appear and disappear behind fast moving dark clouds . I thought about what Chris Mullins said about taking Jenny Quarles to the old Lockhart house . In fact , I couldn 't get it out of my mind . I thought maybe I could just drive right by the place and look over and see if I could see them there . I wondered if he really had the guts to go there or if he was just all talk . So I decided I 'd drive past the Lockhart house and then circle around and come back home . I hit the old gravel road right about the time I heard a train horn sounding in the distance . By the time I got to the part where the road curved around and crossed the track , the train was coming fast so I sat and waited for it to pass . When it was gone I listened to the silence for a few seconds . There 's nothing like the deep , dead silence of the country after a train passes through . I drove on past the trailers and shacks and up to the corn field when I noticed something very strange . That old scarecrow was gone . I could see his weathered old post still standing there in the field but the scarecrow was nowhere to be seen . Maybe it had fallen down I thought . Or maybe Chris was using it as part of his plan to get Jenny all scared and clingy . Up ahead I could see a car parked off the road in front of the house . But no one was in it . I drove past it slow and looked inside and the front and back seats were empty . Surely Chris Mullins wasn 't brave enough to take her inside the house . Or stupid enough . I pulled my car off over to the side of the road and turned off the engine and the lights . I rolled down the window to see if I could hear any voices . The air smelled like dead leaves and dirt and dogs and old engine oil . The light from the moon was starting to spend more time behind the clouds leaving everything in a deep indigo darkness . If you 've never heard the death scream of a hog at midnight it 'll send shivers over every inch of your body . And it 's worse when you 're far away from anything you recognize . It 's even more terrifying when you realize that the scream you just heard wasn 't a hog at all but its human and it 's coming right toward you . Jenny Quarles tried to open the passenger door while she screamed but it was locked . She jumped onto the hood of my car and pounded on the windshield like she intended to go right through it . It took me several seconds to recognize it was her and when I did I jumped out of the car . In one leap she jumped on me and her legs gave out from under her , all the while she still screaming . I tried to calm her down best I could and ask her what was going on . She couldn 't speak but she grabbed my hand and pointed toward the Lockhart house . She could only say " Chris " and pull me toward the house . A small path had been trampled into the weeds and brush in front of the house and Jenny pulled me along the path . It was all happening too quick to think about it but now days I can 't even believe I went into all that jungle . We tripped and stumbled our way to to the side of the old house where there was a clearing under some tall , twisted trees . Jenny pointed to one of the trees and again let out a shrill scream . On the dirt , under the tree , was a scattering of straw covered in blood . Hanging from one of the trees was Chris Mullins . His throat cut from earlobe to earlobe . Stuck right in the middle of his neck , was a corn cob kilt pin . I grabbed Jenny 's arm and ran back toward the car as faster than I 'd ever run before . It was a good thing Jenny was a small girl because when we hit that tangled path of vines , I drug her along behind me even after she tripped and fell several times . We got into the car and sped off to my house where we called the police and Jenny 's parents . It was several months before Jenny Quarles was able to fully relay the events of that night to anyone . She and Chris Mullins had left the school after the football game and drove to a convenience store where Chris ' brother was the manager and would sell them some beer . Chris told Jenny he wanted to take her to his house and then he drove to the old Lockhart house , jokingly telling her it was where he lived . They parked the car , sat on the hood and drank a couple of beers under the moonlight . After they made out for awhile , Chris suggested they walk up to the house . Well Jenny didn 't think that was such a good idea so Chris made a bet with her . Jenny had to agree that she would go up to the house if Chris could hit the old scarecrow with all four of their empty beer bottles . Even in the darkness Chris proved to be quite the athlete as each bottle landed squarely on target , the last one almost taking off the old scarecrow 's head . Jenny reluctantly went up to the dark old house with Chris and after they got up under the trees Chris began trying to scare her by pretending to run into the old weedy cornfield and then running back out . At one point he didn 't come back out and Jenny thought he may have snuck back to the car just to spook her . She wandered her way back to the car through the maze of the thicket and , not finding Chris , she sat on the hood of the car and drank another beer . When the light of the train cut through the blackness , she once again made her way to the side of the house and it was at that point she found Chris Mullins hanging from a tree . On Halloween night , few people let their kids go out Trick or Treating and no one was in a Halloween party mood . Everyone was terrified there was a murderer on the loose so people stayed home and locked their doors . It was the first time in 18 years I 'd seen my parents turn the locks on their own doors . Around 9 o ' clock Halloween night one of my friends called to tell me that several guys from the football team had plans to drive to the old Lockhart house around midnight and burn it down . So a little bit after 12 , I drove down the gravel road and I could see the sky glowing orange far in front of me . I crossed the railroad tracks and I could smell the smoke and I could see flames flickering high into the sky . I passed by the shack houses and rusty trailers and I could see the old wood Lockhart house was fully engulfed in flames . There were no cars and people to be seen anywhere around . And to my surprise , there , silhouetted against the bright orange light of the fire , hung that old scarecrow ; kilt around its waist , arm stretched out and head held high . She felt like she should have been named " spinach " or " lettuce " . With a last name like " Wither " , why would you choose the name of a flower ? At least wilted spinach made a good salad . A wilted or " Withered " flower was only good for compost … Sometimes Lily felt like she was only good for compost . Until Lily was 18 , that is . She decided , at her age of consent , she would get a tattoo . She had a friend draw a lily and a rose , intertwined . It WAS an obvious choice , but she thought it was better than getting her boyfriend 's name tattooed somewhere on her body . She was a least adult enough to know he wouldn 't be in her life forever . But he was better than the compost heap for now . Lily walked into the tattoo parlor feeling confident . Ok , maybe a little scared , but only because she didn 't know anyone else with a tattoo . She had no first - hand knowledge of the experience . No one to tell her if it would hurt , or be worth it … When she walked in , she was mostly ignored . The people behind the counter didn 't even register that someone had walked in . They were too busy gossiping about a party the night before . They couldn 't have been much older than Lily , but they were already painted and pierced in a way that the upper class would find offensive . There were a few patrons there as well . They all looked at Lily at the exact moment she felt she could no longer back out . She made her way to the counter and asked to speak to someone about some " body art " . She had heard it put that way before and wanted to sound " experienced " . A very disinterested young man rolled his eyes and told her he would be back in a minute , then disappeared through a door to who knows where . When he returned , he was accompanied by an older woman . At least in her fifties , which to Lily seemed ancient . But the woman seemed kind and Lily was glad to not be talking to a man of that age . It would feel too much like talking to Grampa . The woman introduced herself as Vera . Vera was black haired and of light complexion . She was finely , if not a little too prolifically , thought Lily , painted . Painted from fingertip to shoulder with the most wonderful faces . Faces of unnamed people . People Vera may no longer know the names of , if she ever really had . Lily examined them , a little too closely , for some time , before she finally spoke up . " Hi . … I 'm Lilly . I had a friend draw something for me . Do you think I can get it … . Um … . Tattooed on me ? " Vera said , " Well , I should hope so . I also hope it 's well drawn . I really don 't like putting poorly drawn art on pretty young ladies . " She smiled a wide and comforting smile , making Lily feel at ease and a lot more willing to permanently transform her very own skin . Several minutes later , Vera was prepping Lily 's skin for the procedure . " Tattooing is an art , as well as a responsibility ' " explained Vera . " We always take the best precautions to avoid infection and to make the experience a pleasant one . " She smiled wide and openly , making Lily feel very comfortable . After the experience , painful as it was , Lily was thrilled with the results . The tattoo was clear , concise and exactly what she wanted . Lily felt very free … . Adult … . Invigorated . But she didn 't know what to do with those feelings . She hugged Vera , told her she hoped very much to stay in touch , and left ; excited to show off her new " body art " . In the three years that passed , Lily became not only more accepting of her name , but very happy that she had a fun way to make people guess it . " Let me show you a picture " … was all she had to say when someone asked her name . A lot happens in three years and Lily felt much less like wilted compost and much more like a beautiful , confidant young lady … albeit a rather rowdy one . Lily enjoyed meeting new people and experiencing new things every chance she got . One of her favorite things was to follow the Scottish punk bands around her region . She liked the men in their kilts and she liked the other women that liked men in their kilts . It was still pretty early and when they passed the tattoo parlor , all the lights were on inside . Lilly had the great idea of getting new tattoos to commemorate their renewed friendship . When they walked in , however , the place felt very dirty . It was much different than Lily remembered . As distant as the people seemed back then , the place itself had been very cozy … As had Vera . Lily asked to speak to the woman who had given her the only tattoo she had . " No one called Vera works here . No one named Vera has ever worked here . " As she left , Lily hoped she had just had the name wrong , but really didn 't think it was possible . Lily and Beth decided to head back to the bar but on the way there , Lily 's car started to act funny . Sputtering and stalling out . Once it finally died , they began walking , not wanting to stay on the side of the road in the dark . Especially with nothing to drink . They were capable young ladies and they would get back to the bar or back to town one way or another . After a good 20 minutes of walking along the dark 2 lane highway , a car slowed and finally stopped in front of them . Beth was cautious , but Lily Rose knew they would be ok if they just kept their gumption up . They jogged up to the old four - door and saw it was driven by an older lady . The lady was in her 70 's at least . She was very kind and offered the girls a ride . " How about I get you two home ? " They were back in town within minutes , but the tattoo parlor was the only place on the street with lights still on . They parked and the girls followed the elderly lady in , thinking they would make a phone call and be on their way . When they walked in , the place had transformed once again , into a grotesque place of horror and disgust . The girls were instantly considered fodder for the taking by the repugnant men and women who were in attendance . The girls were groped and grabbed at . Their clothes were ripped , their skin scratched . As they turned to run , the elderly woman blocked their path . " You 're here now and safe from the rot of the compost . Why not stay ? " Beth managed to get free and flee through the door , but Lily was held fast . The elderly woman was much stronger than she appeared . She and Lily struggled as the rest of the room descended upon them . Lily felt as though she were being assaulted at every angle , touched by people she couldn 't even see , her skin was on fire . She started to understand that she was being tattooed on every inch of her bare skin . She began to see the tattoos appear faster than possible . They were all tattoos of flowers . Lilies , poppies , petunias , snapdragons , azaleas , and roses … . The last image in Lily 's life was that of an arm . An arm tattooing the skin on her neck . The tattoo was painful and bloody . The arm in control of the tattoo gun was covered in faces . One of them was Lily 's … It 's our first " Kilt of Horrors " Halloween story episode ! Four stories from Life In A Kilt Podcast guaranteed to send chills down your spine and tingles up your kilt . Congratulations to Justin Dixon for winning " Best Submission " for his story titled Trip of a Lifetime . Other stories featured in the podcast are Lily - Rose by Cheri Brown and The Old Lockhart House and Fergus MacDuff by Rick Baldwin . We hope these stories enhance your kilted Halloween . Don 't forget to share them with your friends ! |
The air was cool on the patio . The wind was just strong enough to blow out the matches George was trying to light . She handed him her lighter . They had kept each other company during what he thought was a very dull party . " I 'm tired of these people , " he told her , " Their faces are boring . No , their faces are boredom . I 've somehow become trapped in a bad motion picture where everyone is made of pig . " She found his notebook between two of her shoes in the hall closet . She put it on her bookshelf and thought she would bring it with her when she next went to one of those parties . But years would pass before she would see George again , and so the notebook remained on her shelf . Without trying , she laughed at the scene . The car was fully on its side . Other people were still sitting on the ground , although they were not hurt . She herself was fine , or felt fine . His voice was very flat as he said it . She felt a slight shiver and maybe a little bit of anxiety . " You 're a bit cheeky , aren 't you ? " The smell was troubling , but she couldn 't stop laughing . Someone had her by the shoulders . There was a small dog barking at her feet . " Oh , damn , " she said , " I still have a book you left at my place . " " There is an incessant need to make everything academic . " He leaned back in the chair and patted the table top with his palms . " At least in terms of writing . Painting is a little different , you know . It has few words . That drives the professors away from it . I don 't mean they don 't talk about it , that they do . " He laughed and groped around in his pocket for cigarettes . " But they can 't talk about the painting and really be anywhere near it , if you know what I mean . " The notebook was just large enough to not be too big for an inside jacket pocket . It looked to be about a hundred pages . The cover was a fake leather of some kind , although it smelled like real leather and tobacco . Most of the pages were filled with sketches . She poured coffee and took the book out onto the patio to sit in the sunlight . The only lawn furniture was a couple of old wooden chairs that came from someone 's dining set and an overturned milk crate . She had painted them white and thought it all looked quite charming . The chairs were not too rickety and the makeshift table was good enough to hold a drink and ashtray ( although she almost always just threw the cigarettes onto the lawn ) . The early pages of the book were a little indecipherable . They seemed to be a jumble of intersecting straight lines that really looked like nothing to her . But a few more pages in and she saw a very cute pencil sketch of a dog with its leash coiled around on the ground in front of it . The dog was a spaniel and its head was tilted in the regular spaniel way . The next pages had more rough scribbles on them . She looked to see if maybe there was a structure being built in the jumble of marks . But George left no clue as to what he may have been seeing or imagining . A few faces peered out from the next pages . One was definitely her friend Ann , although she wasn 't aware that she and George knew each other . There was nothing distinctive of the picture , except it looked near - photographic . Ann 's expression was flat and her eyes stared straight out at whoever happened to be looking . A dog was barking . Something had happened to her feet . Or she didn 't feel her feet or wasn 't paying attention . Someone 's car had come through the intersection and hit something else and was on its side . A small fire was burning somewhere and black smoke was filling the air . She was sitting on the sidewalk . Someone was asking her something and shaking her shoulder . She shook her head , " I 'm fine . " She stood up and smoothed out her clothes . Something was missing . She looked around on the ground and saw her purse next to where she 'd been sitting . One of her shoes was off . She slipped her foot back into the shoe and picked up her purse . The crash had shocked her and something had knocked her down but she wasn 't hurt . " Are they ok ? " There were a few blank pages after a few more pages of scribbles . Then there was a drawing of some trees at the edge of a field . She thought that scene the most idyllic and banal . " I think most of us ignore it but that everyone can sense it . Like the sound of an untuned radio . The noise of no station . But I think that noise is there even when the radio is tuned . But I 'm being too direct in this description . " " It 's no different when you look at something . " He closed one eye and put his hand up to his nose . " One eye sees the hand , the other nothing , but the hand as seen by the blind eye is part of what the seeing eye sees . " George closed his mouth and put his hand back on the table . He looked at her . " We 'll go , then . Where will you take me ? " " A poet must think that truth is a golden egg . " She smiled . " And a poet thenceforth spends all eternity staring at the backside of a goose waiting for it . " " It 's on the contract you sign to get your poetic licence . " She thought maybe she should stay but she had no recollection of what happened and her daughter was still waiting for her at the store . She patted down the wrinkles and tried to brush off the dirt . At least nothing is torn , she thought as she walked away . " It doesn 't matter . " He sighed . He leaned back on the bench and let the sun flood his face . " What did you write ? What was it ? Something like ' How bright is the sun ? ' " So . I 've been trying to count the lumps of plaster on the ceiling . And I 've come to a conclusion : nothing makes a bed more uncomfortable . I remember being young and trapped in here before . That was before I had a tv or computer of my own , but my father had brought in the old tv from the basement and set it up on my dresser . So that was at the foot of my bed and I at least had Oprah Winfrey and Classic Concentration to keep my mind occupied . Now , I 'm pretty sure I 'm supposed to entertain myself . For the most part , I can do that . I can usually leave the room and go wander the house or the yard or the street . I 've even been as daring as to go to the mall , although I sometimes see people from school that I 'd rather avoid . He said nothing for a moment and then knocked on the door . " What do you want ? " I called out from the bed . I didn 't want to lose count , so I was careful not to move my eyes . " Mr . Roberts is the volleyball coach this year . Miss Wong is pregnant , you know . You could see it in there by the end of last year . Right through her shirt . " The second week of school and it rains every day . I don 't have money for the bus and I don 't have an umbrella . The words in my binders are starting to run . Running words . I wonder where they 'll go ? Probably just to the bottom of the backpack . I closed my mouth and tried to walk a little faster . She kept pace easily , though . I should be able to get away from her and her short legs but she seems to have no shortage of energy . " Oh , you know , the whole nuclear disarmament thing . You argued they should be kept in case the Vatican tries to take over the world . " She laughed again . In the morning , she was waiting on the sidewalk when I left the house . Georgie was right behind me coming out and stopped when he saw her . " Oh , hi Georgie ! " I 'm getting tired of looking at the same things all the time . I know it 's a world full of wonders and all that but even wonders get boring after a while . There are only so many angles . I think maybe my math teacher would disagree but my feet are only ever just plodding on the ground . Everything looks the same after a while . There are over 600 tiny holes in half of a ceiling tile . That should be how I count these things . I should divide the space into some much smaller fraction and then multiply my count out . Or maybe I should not do it at all . The new boy is sitting in front of me . His hair is longer than mine . His ponytail gives a little flick when he bobs his head down to write in his notebook . I suddenly find myself pushing the ponytail from side to side gently with the eraser end of my pencil . Some people take the bus home , the actual school bus . I don 't know where they could live , because it takes me twenty minutes to walk home and there 's no big yellow bus available for me . If I don 't want to walk , I need to get a city bus with all the creepy weirdoes . " Are you ready ? " Cherrie was standing in the doorway to his room with her arms folded . He glanced at her face to see that she looked irritated . Normal , he thought . " What are you doing ? " she asked . Her voice always sounds the same , he thought . She always sounds like someone 's trying to crawl up her pant leg . " I won 't be home in time . After school , take him to get a birthday present . " She gave Cherrie some money . " It 's a sleepover . " Georgie was sitting in a chair facing his dresser . Cherrie was standing in the doorway getting more impatient . " Really , hurry up . We still need to go get a present . " He reached down beside him and picked up a backpack . He stood and opened the second drawer of the dresser . He moved the top two articles of clothing and pulled out a pair of pyjamas . He was very pleased with himself . Early morning , the day before , he opened the blind on his window and watched the trees appear in the darkness just before the rising sun . He kept his light off . While he stared , he noticed that the trees were never exactly indistinguishable but that they were a distinct form against a background . The background is the same colour as the trees , he thought . Early the next morning , he set up a camera to take pictures of the darkened trees . He had spent the rest of the morning staring at the black images but could see nothing . Tomorrow , he thought , I 'll take the camera outside and see if I can get something . He wondered if there was some way to turn off the steetlights . " What do you want to get him ? " They were in the toy section of a department store . The bust ride had been short . Cherrie had spent the entire trip staring at her phone and muttering . He hadn 't been listening to what she was saying . . He was watching an old woman sitting in one of the sideways seats with her grocery bags and purse . The grocery bags were in the seat next to her , the purse was in her lap . She was wearing a large wool sweater with some odd pattern around the hem and cuffs . It also had a large collar that curled slightly as it flopped over . The sweater is grey , he thought . He watched the old woman watching the floor at her feet . She regularly looked toward the front of the bus but he could see she was uncomfortable staying in that position . He tried to see the items in her bags . In one , he could count the number of cans that were visible through the thin plastic , but the other one was shapeless . He decided it held bread . He picked up a pop - eyed stuffed something . It had a shocked expression on its bizarrely elongated face . It also had a tail almost as long as its body . He recognized it from a cartoon . " This . " Cherrie walked to the section with underwear . She started taking bras off a display and holding them up . " Your sister has big tits , " Brandon K . had said . They were playing softball , standing in the dugout , Cherrie was sitting on a bench by home plate with their mother . He looked over at her . She was staring at her phone and slouching over it to block the glare of the sun . He heard a giggle from someone a couple of racks away . He watched her face return to its normal pale hue . She scowled and grabbed his arm . " Let 's go . " " Please , " he said . His voice was serious . Georgie looked up at the man 's face . He wasn 't exactly looking at either of them . His hand was out for the bag . " Store policy , miss . Backpacks are to be left at the door . " He opened the bag and looked inside . He shook it and tilted it . He doesn 't want to put his hand in , Georgie thought . The night before , he 'd watched the sun go down . The colours drained out of the things on the earth and drifted away in the sky toward the setting sun . But the dark that came was not the dark of a settled night . It was colder . The woman had got off the bus two stops before the shopping mall . He watched her slowly pick up her things and get ready to stand after she signalled for the stop . He watched her ease herself down the steps and walk off toward an apartment building . Then she was gone . The baby finally stopped crying and went to sleep . She felt bad for it , but she truly hated that sound . She couldn 't describe the feeling it gave her inside , the mix of anxiety and worry and anger . But when it stopped , a genuine feeling of peace immediately settled over her and she once again felt she could breathe . She poured the last of the coffee from the percolator and sat at the table . He 'd left the paper open to the half - finished crossword puzzle . She picked up the pen and filled in " bovine " for 18 down . Then she wrote " leverage " for 23 across . Outside , the leaves were budding on the trees . She knew in a few more days , winter would seem like some foolish imagination of nature , a bare impossibility in the face of lush green foliage and life . She could feel it creeping around in her , though . A hard nugget of cold - wariness , a mild sensation of unease . The baby liked to be bounced gently while she walked . Few people were in the park at this time of year . The wind carried a mild frostiness with it that was pleasantly uncomfortable . " I think he might have the beginning of a cold , " he said . He moved the auriscope to the baby 's other ear . " Has he been feeding normally ? " " You don 't want to go ? " He held the baby on his knee , hands around the ribs , and bounced him lightly up and down . The baby gurgled . " Oh no no , " he said as he stood and lifted the baby to his shoulder . " You 're gonna puke on Daddy 's shirt , right ? " He laughed . The baby rubbed his face against his father 's shoulder and said , " Sheesh . " " Oh , " he said . She could see the uncertainty cross his face . She knew he was wondering if he could take care of the baby for a day . " I guess we could do that . " " You know , " she whispered to the eyes staring up at her , " You could sleep for more than two hours . I know you can because I can . And anything that 's good for me has to be good for you . " She stood up and lifted the baby to her shoulder and rubbed his back lightly . She walked over to the window and looked out just as her neighbour 's porch light came on . The old woman came out of the house and walked down the steps to her car . She stood a moment by the car door and then said something and went back up the steps to her house . The light went off . She decided to eat her sandwich and drink coffee on the step . She 'd spent the morning cleaning up the flower beds at the sides of the walkway from the drive to the porch . She liked small colourful plants more than the disorderly shrubs her neighbours seemed to like . Perhaps they don 't like them , she thought . Perhaps they don 't care . The chill was lifting as the sun gained power . It felt good to be outside and in the air . The past seven months had started in a wet end to summer and a soggy autumn that dragged into the worst winter she 'd ever experienced . Or that was how it felt at times . She knew everything was askew because of the baby . She was under the influence of a maleficent master . She knew she needed to take charge but she was so tired most of the time . When a break came , when the baby would sleep or be happy for a few minutes sitting in his own chair , she felt so very good for a moment . She felt almost as enslaved to the tiny respites as she was to her tiny tyrant . She heard the creak of screen - door springs from across the yard and looked to see her neighbour step out onto the porch . The old woman turned and pulled the door shut , then let the screen door swing closed as she walked down the steps . She walked to her car and stood at the driver 's side door motionless . " Hi . " She waved from her own step . She put the last bite of her sandwich in her mouth and stood up . " Nice day , isn 't it ? " She took the key back to her own house and around to the garden shed . Amongst the garden tools was a rusty box her father - in - law had given them when they bought the house . " I know you two don 't have a clue how to do anything , but you 'll always need a few basic tools . " So far , they had not needed any of them . They had only needed a plumber when the toilet would not stop running , and a plumber didn 't fit in the box . She took a hammer out . She put the key on a patio stone and tapped it a few times until it looked straight again . She brought it back to Barbara . The baby 's crying woke her . She fought back against the feeling of despair that seemed to creep out of the centre of her body . She didn 't move . " That 's a long time , " she said . She tilted her head and looked up at the sky . " Why didn 't the sun move ? " My street rarely gets the attention of the town plows . It never gets any salt or sand or whatever else they put on roads . It 's a normal topic of conversation amongst the people who live here . When we meet at the road with our shovels in hand , we always complain how we pay so much in tax and never get any service for it . But it does keep the street looking rather ideal , in winter . The snow stays white . Everywhere else , the snow soon turns into brownish sludge that gets on everything . Bella may hate the snow , but I hate the slush . I pictured her while I drove . She was likely still digging around in the snowbank next to the driveway . She usually played out there with Nan , the neighbour 's girl . Nan is a hell of a name for a 5 - year - old . " Alice said they all caught cold over there . " Maria put a dish of meatloaf on the table and sat . She put a piece on Bella 's plate . Later , after they were asleep , I sat on the couch and watched late night talk shows . It 's difficult to sleep at night when you work in the afternoons . It seems pointless to try . There was a man on television doing a comedy juggling act . The audience was laughing . The man 's face was an odd mix of smiling , teeth gritting , and concentration . I felt myself starting to fall asleep . That night , I dreamed I saw Roy Orbison standing waist deep in the snowbank . Bella sat before him , but facing away . He was playing guitar and singing that crying song . I woke up before he could finish . Posted in Fiction , photo , photography , Short Story , Writing Tagged children , girl , snow , work Dec · 01 Her mind was abandoning her . The man kept talking , cursing the weather , the road , the other cars . She wanted to be in a field , on her back , staring at clouds . She closed her eyes . " He was in the hospital today and refused treatment . He told them he wanted to come home , so I took him home . He had a hard time before . He says he doesn 't want to do it again , since it didn 't even work . " The lights were tricking . They seemed real and unreal . Bits of the world glowed a ways off , but they couldn 't in the night . Her eyes would not adjust to the dark with the blowing snow . He coughed , then he laughed , " Punishment is more rightly said . She was a nasty bit when she was young . Took men and made them give it all up . Now , I don 't mean it like that , get that look off your face . That 's part of it , all right , but they would 've given that up to any pretty girl . " " But for her , they 'd give up everything . Everything they ever could be or want or do . And somehow , she could then just swallow them whole . " " They say a man went to her one day . She tried to take hold of him , but he refused . ' What do you do ? ' she asked . ' Nothing , ' said he . ' What do you want , then ? ' she asked . ' Nothing , ' said he . ' What are you , then ? ' she asked and he said , ' If you truly want to know what I am , you must see me in the glass on a night of a winter storm . ' She hurried to the window to look out , for it was night and winter . Sure enough , the snow was blowing . ' Come stand where I can see you , then , ' she said . And she watched in the glass as he moved up behind her and put his arms around her and together , without a word , they stepped into the glass . " " I 'm sure your husband will get her . Can you tell me what happened on your way to get her ? I need you to say it . " When she looked again , he was gone and the door was closed . She let her back ease into the chair . Her head hurt . She looked around at the walls and out the window . There was no sound in the room . The door opened and a woman pushed a cart into the room . " Are you hungry , dear ? Thirsty ? Is everything ok ? I have a couple of pills for you . " She leaned back to feel the chair behind her but it wasn 't there . She looked around again and saw she was on a bed . She looked around again and saw the room was not where she had just been . " What 's happening ? " " How often have you been having this dream ? " he asked . She took her hand off her face . The doctor was sitting in a brown leather chair , she was sitting in what her father would have called an easy chair . The room looked like suede . Maybe . Maybe maybe maybe . I want to go back . Something is missing here and I want to get it back . I think I need something more here . I think I see it now . I think it 's just a fantasy . I think you made me wrong and made everything go to shit . This earth baked my life . This earth baked my life . This earth baked my life . I am a golden goddess born but burned to blackened capon . And this is my inheritance - a world of morons and psychopaths who think I have made a mistake . But it 's all been taken . And the blisters won 't pop - they just press more and more … . |
Having set the clock back on hour is a tricky thing to have done . I had set my watch back already and the alarm clock . The computer 's clock had set itself to the right time . I hadn 't set back the living room clock , though , and kept looking at it as if it was the right time and being tricked by it . I finally set it to the right time and now it is only just past noon and not nearly time to go to my sister . I have already taken the dog for two long walks and my legs are tired enough . I can only handle one hour at the time . I need better walking boots if I want to do more . The ones I have are torturing devices , so I 'm not wearing them anymore . I do have to get some new ones before winter gets here , otherwise I won 't have any grip on the snow and ice . You see , I 'm assuming that there 's going to be snow and ice . Wouldn 't it be wonderful if there weren 't any ? Today is so mild that you would almost believe it . The temperature is pleasant and we haven 't seen any rain yet . The sun is even peeking through the clouds . There is a little bit of wind and leaves drifted down on us when we walked along the sidewalks . It was very pretty in an autumnal way . If you 're into that kind of thing . I 'm always too busy keeping control of the dog to fully enjoy myself . I have to make sure he doesn 't run into gardens and bike paths or poop on somebody 's well manicured lawn . He is a mixed blessing . He gets me out of the house for walks , but then I really don 't enjoy them as much as I could . Because of him , I don 't get to walk around and daydream , which is my favorite activity , unless I have a human partner and then I like to talk . The Exfactor and I used to go for enormous walks when we were first married and before we had a dog and we would discuss everything under the sun and have opinions about everything too . We were world improvers and if only they made us boss . We were a little bit naive back then , although we didn 't think so . We were both new to the country and the way things were done and we thought they could be done better , well oldNora I went out shopping today . I had it in my head that I was going to go to some discount stores and be successful and find some good loot , so that 's what I did . I made sure I was dressed properly and that my hairdo was halfway presentable and got on my bike and rode it to the shopping center . It wasn 't very cold outside , nevertheless , I wore my winter coat and my thick scarf and was toasty warm . I was only wearing one pair of thin leggings , but I didn 't get cold legs , so I must be tougher than I think I am . Or it must help to keep certain parts of you extra warm , such as your feet and neck and arms . It 's only a theory , of course . I know you are supposed to keep your head warm and I certainly don 't do that with my short haircut and no hat . I have a hard enough time keeping my hair looking nice without ruining it with my snow hat . I must find a better hat and for that I 'll have to go to the department stores downtown where they have a large collection of hats to choose from . Anyway . . . I went to the textiles shop first where they have wonderful discounts and the first thing I spotted was underwear . Good cotton ones with a little bit of stretch in black . Four of them into the basket . A pair of gray leggings , also into the basket . A powder blue top with a cowl neck for 4 . 99 , into the basket . My favorite deodorant on sale , two cans and you know where they went . . . I checked out a lot of other things , but they were not deemed good enough buys to go home with me , so I went to the cash register and paid a ridiculously small amount of money for my purchases . Then I went to the drugstore and made my way to the discount aisle . The bins were a bit of a mess and I had to poke around very well , but I did come up with a couple of items . A black scarf , which I didn 't have yet , a black cardigan , which was packaged and which turned out to be much too small when I got it home , but I will give it to my much skinnier sister , 3 pairs of stud earrings that look like they 're silver , but luckily are not because I 'm allergic to silver , and to Ciao , I 'm constantly in danger of falling asleep . I keep nodding off and having to take long naps . I sit behind the computer and yawn something awful and have to go to the sofa to sleep . I make pots of coffee and hope they help , but they don 't , the need to sleep is stronger . Nevertheless , I just made myself some coffee and still hope it will work and I 'm drinking the first cup of it now . You can 't say I 'm not willing to try . Actually , if you take away the sleepiness , my mood is good , so all that needs to happen is for this coffee to work . All I need to do is stop yawning . I 've taken some time off to write some emails and by now I 'm doing much better . I 'm drinking my second cup of coffee and feel more awake . I 've stopped yawning and even played ball with Tyke who really wants to be walked and who I will have to take out in a little while . I was thinking how it is really too bad that the ' coffeeshop ' is no longer around the corner so I could buy some hash to roll a joint with and have that and sleep really well from tonight . I haven 't had any for a couple of years and sometimes I dream about it . It 's so nice because you don 't have a hangover the next day and wake up so nice and gentle . I must see if I can get some . I 've walked Tyke and he led me on a wild goose chase . He picked up the scent of something and I let him follow it . He took us all over the place and then doubled back . I decided to take charge again and get back onto our normal route where we met a King Charles Springer Spaniel . It was a meeting of mixed feelings with both dogs , but ended up friendly . Tyke does stand his ground and is not intimidated . He 's not a scared dog . The other dog was growling and wagging his tail at the same time . He couldn 't make up his mind , but they did kiss and make up in the end . It 's too late to drink any more coffee now , so I will switch to milk . I do have to sleep tonight and I hope I haven 't used it all up today . At least I 've saved myself from a dark and gloomy mood by sleeping . I would have been in bad shape if I had not . MyCiao , After not having slept all night , I did manage to sleep for a few hours on the sofa this afternoon , because I was running out of steam and my body had to catch up with my mind that was working overtime . I didn 't want to go to sleep and I fought it , but I had no other option , otherwise I would have fallen asleep behind the computer with my head on the keyboard and that leaves nasty marks on your face . I very dutifully laid down on the sofa and made myself go to sleep and woke up about two hours later . I made myself some coffee and slowly came to my senses , though I think I may have written a post before I completely had my wits about me . That will make for interesting reading too . It may boggle your mind , as it boggled mine when I read it later . I thought , now what in the world was I talking about ? Is this woman quite in her right mind ? Is there a screw loose maybe ? Does something need to be fastened ? See , I make fun of myself so you can 't ahead of me . We can laugh together anyway . It is better than feeling embarrassed . I 've always got to make fun of myself when I think I 'm in danger of having made a blunder . I read an article about that in a woman 's magazine today . The best way to deal with a blunder is to laugh about it yourself and to not take it too seriously , as long as you learn a lesson from it so you won 't repeat it . I think that is good advice . I 'm try to keep all my blogs straight and update the one that I wrote in the longest time ago . I try not to repeat myself , but write something new wherever I am . God forbid someone should actually read all 5 blogs , although I think it 's not possible . I don 't want to write the same story in all 5 blogs so I aim for variety . I mustn 't fall into repeats , though the temptation is there at times and sometimes I will and there will be overlap . It 's hard to be completely original all the time . Even the greatest diarists couldn 't have done it . It 's great when your mind is full of ideas and curiosity and goodwill and words and deeds and points of view to get across . but youNora I tell the story in sequences on different blogs and to keep it straight for you , I suggest you go here to enjoy this part of it , though it isn 't absolutely necessary , but you 'd do me a big favor with it if you did . I 'm also comment hungry , but that 's a secret that you won 't tell anyone , will you ? I 'm sitting here with a lovely cup of coffee and my cigarettes and life almost couldn 't get better than this , although if I use my imagination I can think of a few other things that I 'd also like a lot . All of them involve a lot of money and foreign travel and expensive hotels with room service . Yes , I do have rich tastes and should have been a capitalist and power hungry and ruthless . Alas , it 's not in my nature to be that way myself , nor was I savvy enough to marry someone like it . I couldn 't stand to be married to someone like Bill Gates and I doubt he could stand to be married to me , because I would tell him what to do with his money . I would do sensible money management and since I 'm a socialist , there would be a lot of sharing of the wealth . I wouldn 't just build a factory in Africa , I would build a village with an infra structure , so no shanty town would develop where people would have to live in indignity while they worked in my factory . I 'm sure a lot of that is going on wherever big companies set up business . I 'll get off my soapbox , but you know where I stand on these things . If there 's one thing I can 't stand , it 's the abuse of cheap labor and dire living circumstances for anyone . I count my blessings every day . I know how lucky I am . My meeting with my personal helper and my SPN went well , even though I had been nervous about it at first and was worried about how well they would get on and if there would be any friction with both of them having an interest in me , but coming from two different points of view . I need not have worried at all and we had a good and enlightening talk that was clear for everybody and that was not at all stressful or difficult . My SPN handles these things so well and I 'm always impCiao , It 's early in the morning and I 've run out of coffee , so I 've made a pot of strong tea and it seems to be doing the job of waking me up properly too , which I had not expected , although I hoped it would do something . I 've had 2 mugs of tea and feel as wide awake as if I had one mug of coffee . I am much pleased and can 't believe it 's working . I thought I had to sit here half asleep forever , but it 's not true . Because I was emotionally so wiped out yesterday , I went to bed at 4 o ' clock in the afternoon and slept until some time in the evening , when I briefly got up because I thought I was awake . If I had had coffee then , I would have had some and become awake , but luckily I didn 't have any , so in the shortest amount of time I was back in bed and sound asleep until about 4 o ' clock this morning . You could say that I slept almost 12 hours and that 's a long time for me . I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday afternoon and have courage again . Yesterday afternoon I was rapidly spiraling downwards and it was not a heck of a lot of fun . I 'll spare you the details of how I tried to cope with that . I didn 't do anything stupid , but I reached out and touched a lot of people . That 's always kind of embarrassing afterwards . I was aided and abetted in this by my personal helper and I have to watch that as she tries her best to rescue me . There can be too much of that too . She becomes an enabler instead of a helper . She starts grasping at straws and has me grasping at them too . I have to keep my own council more . My personal helper and I are meeting my SPN today . This was at the request of my personal helper who wants to know better how to help me and I think she will be set straight by both my SPN and me , because my personal helper seems to think that I need to be rescued somehow out of a terrible situation . She doesn 't realize that I have good people working in my interest . Ha ! The dull details of my life . Let me think of what else I can tell you . The Exfactor is coming by this morning to do the groceries and it 's a good thing too , because I 'm running out of things . I 'm down to my last little bit of milk and I 'm going to drink that shortly , although I must say that the tea doesn 't make me nearly as thirsty as the coffee does . So it 's true that tea is a great thirst quencher . I 'll drink more of it in the future and put a couple of packages on the shopping list . It 's called English Tea , but the English probably don 't have it . Okay , I 'm off to other things . Have a really terrific day . I need a lot of coffee , because I 'm almost dozing off behind the computer and it 's not nearly time to go to bed , although I am more than ready for it to be . I may go early tonight and sleep as long as I can possibly manage to make up for last night when I hardly slept at all . Still you would think that all that sleep this morning would have made up for it and the nap this afternoon . Apparently that didn 't help at all , or I 'm so tired after my little drama that I need extra sleep . I can 't forget about it , because my sore wrists remind me of it constantly . I would like to completely put it out of my mind , but I 'm afraid I 'll have to send an email to my SPN in a little while explaining to her what happened . There 's always an aftermath to deal with , isn 't there ? I 'm almost embarrassed that I rapid cycled about such a little incident that took mostly place inside my own head and that had such dire consequences for me . I felt I was going to rapid cycle a while ago when the cigarettes were all gone and the coffee spilled over the desk and the ashtray . I felt like breaking down and crying , but then I thought that it was only a temporary setback that could be fixed and I could always go to sleep if I couldn 't handle it . Rapidly cycling downwards is like having a nervous breakdown repeatedly . Rapidly cycling upwards is like repeatedly finding joy and elation at nothing at all . At just any ordinary thing and getting the most pleasure out of it that you can . Finding ecstasy , even if it lasts for only brief moments , and pure unadulterated joy that lasts for hours . It 's like being high on a drug . I 've had 2 cups of coffee and that is enough . I 'm awake again . I mustn 't drink any more , because I may not fall asleep tonight . I am planning on sleeping well and not having a long night up like I did last night . That was so silly , I fell asleep behind the computer with my head on the edge of the desk . I still have a sore spot on top of my forehead . Luckily , I 'm not permanently branded by it . I could have fallen asleep on the keyboardCiao , The package that was supposed to get here between 9 and 12 o ' clock , got here at 5 minutes before 12 . Well , I suppose somebody has to get squeezed in last . I would have been ready to make a phone call at noon if it had not been here , I am that much of a stickler . The poor man did look harried and I forgave him on the spot . I 'm sure he does not have an easy job delivering all those packages to uptight people who are waiting impatiently like I was . All those harassed housewives who want to try on their new clothes and other assorted customers whose addresses he has to find . I took my package into the bedroom immediately before Tyke could rip it out of my hands , because he thinks everything is for him that gets delivered , and got out the black mini skirt and the leggings that I wanted to wear with my new purchases . They are a black T - shirt with a draped neckline and it is draped going down too , so you mustn 't pull it down too tightly otherwise you lose the effect , and a very modern looking cardigan that reaches down in long points down the front , which are edged in a braid in the same material and which look very neat . So I put that all on right away and my earrings too and felt smashing . It was even better than I had hoped for . I do know which clothes I like and what looks good on me . I zero in on those things right away and instinctively know that I should get them . No , I don 't have a big head at all , just a super inflated ego . Ha ! You see how incredibly vain I am , don 't you ? I was just outside with Tyke for the second time and it was pretty cold . There was quite a bit of wind and now it has started to rain , so there go my plans to hang up the sheets and pillow cases on the clothing line . My sister just called me to tell me that she and her boyfriend were going to the thermal baths at the spa and to tell me how cozy they had it last night together with her daughter , while I thought she was calling me to invite me over , because when I answered the phone , I said , " Yes , that will be fine . " She didn 't ask me what I meNora A while ago , I heard something go pop in the kitchen and the refrigerator shut off . I also lost my Internet connection . I went to check things out and indeed , the refrigerator wasn 't working and all the lights on the modem were out . Mmm . . . I called the Exfactor and posed my problem to him . He told me to check the extension box that both the refrigerator and the modem were plugged into in the kitchen closet where the hot water boiler is also . I picked it up and water ran out of it . The Exfactor said that he had expected as much because of the water ballet he had had when he last had to fill the heating system . Water had sprayed all over the place . He told me to get a different extension box and plug the cords into it and it into the wall and then to check the fuses in the electric meter . I did all of that and made sure the buttons in the middle of the fuses were pushed in , but I still didn 't get my power back on the refrigerator and the modem . Everything else seemed to be working . I called back the Exfactor and told him I was sorry , but that I was not smart enough to figure out the problem from that point forward because I was used to an American system and I didn 't understand the fuses and the switches . He said not to worry , that he would be there as soon as he could . I took Tyke for a stroll to the mailbox to mail some letters and after that made a phone call to a friend and then the Exfactor was here . He looked at the electric meter and discovered that there was one old fashioned fuse in it that had popped and that needed to be replaced . Well , who ever heard of such a system ? I 've never had to deal with it . He went to the hardware store and came back with new fuses and I had him show me how to replace it just in case something like it happens again , though the Exfactor swore it wouldn 't because he had improved the heating water filling system . Which is true , he has , I 've seen it with my own eyes . Apparently it doesn 't work quite as perfectly as we would like yet . The good part is that the modem and the refrigerator are working again , so the story has a happy ending and I asked the Exfactor if I could give him a big kiss for that and I could . All is well , that ends well . Ciao , I still had Ubuntu installed on this computer and in my effort to uninstall it , I wiped everything off the hard drive , Windows XP and Ubuntu . That 's when you get too smart for yourself and start messing around in systems where you have no business being . When you only half understand what you are doing . I switched the computer off and started it up again and got the message that I had to reboot by inserting the device and pressing any key . Well , the only device I had was the Ubuntu installation CD , so I inserted that and installed the program . Since it was so old , it had to download over 600 new packages of software to update it . So I very patiently did that . All went well , no hitches . Then I noticed that I could update to the latest 10 . 04 edition and did I want to do that ? I thought , sure , why not . While I 'm doing this , I may as well do it right . I had to download 1 , 604 packages of software and it was going to take a little over an hour . I did that , waited patiently , drank some coffee , smoked some cigarettes , and yes , it did everything it was supposed to do . Next , it had to install everything and clean up the system . That took another hour or so , but everything went very smoothly . I couldn 't believe my luck . I entered my user name and password and could get started . I started up Firefox and opened up all the tab pages that I was going to need with all the websites on them . Having done that , I opened up the email program and added all the relevant information to start receiving and sending emails . That almost went perfectly from the beginning . I made an error , but knew how to fix it , and everything was fine after that . I do still have to enter everyone 's email address and that 's going to be a lot of work . I 'm not looking forward to that . So , there really was no hitch , you see ? Except that now Ubuntu is my only running program and that Windows XP has disappeared . When I shut the computer off for the first time , I was afraid to turn it back on again and get some sort of awful message that I would have to reboot the system all over again , but apparently updating it has worked beautifully . I took a sleeping pill and went to bed and slept until 2 pm and Tyke ate my cigarettes and lighter that I had forgotten to put away , so that 's my own fault . He would do something like that when tempted . He didn 't actually eat them , but rip them apart into small pieces that I found on my bed and the floor beside it . I never hear a thing , sound asleep as I am . It was a slightly hypo manic night , I think you could say that . I 'm feeling fairly normal now , but I don 't know how the rest of the day will go . Now that I have Ubuntu again , I will be drawn to the computer even more than I usually am because of curiosity . I 'm not going to do anything really out of the ordinary with it , but I did download Foxsaver for the pretty photos . I don 't have any images yet in my folder of images , so I must do something about that . Therefor these posts will go without pretty pictures for a while . I must get the show on the road now and be a good dog owner and apartment dweller . I can 't sit here all afternoon , much as I 'd like to . There are some jobs waiting for me that must be done before I can enter the email addresses into that program . Have a good rest of the day and try to stay away from your hard drive or whatever in the world it is called . I get those terms mixed up and I have no one to ask . If you look at the links in the right hand corner of my blog , you will see that one of them has a different name . If you click on that one , you will read the explanation as to why that is . I 'm too wiped out to repeat it here . I 'm just not going to do it . I 'm sitting here with my last cup of coffee and I really ought to go to bed because I haven 't seen the underside of the duvet yet and I would like to put my head down on the pillows . But I 'm too tired to go to sleep . I must get into the proper sleeping mode first and I haven 't quite figured out how to get into it yet . Outside the sun is shining and the sky seems to be all blue , at least what I can see of it . There is a bit of a wind blowing , however , and that does not entice me to go outside . Luckily , Tyke is still sound asleep . I will have to get dressed shortly and take him out , but I 'm trying to put that out of my mind for now . Actually , I really hope that he 'll be happy to just go out back and that I 'll not have to get dressed . I do need to go to bed sooner or later . I 've had an adventurous night which I 'll tell you about another time , if I can bear it . You haven 't heard the ending of it yet . How I fumbled and failed and maybe came through after all . I do do some dumb things sometimes . I truly am the proverbial dumb blond . Maybe I should color my hair so it 's not so obvious . I 'm going to bed so that I can sleep and wake up thinking straight . I 'm too tired to do a good job of it now . First I 'll see if I can get Tyke to do a piddle out back . Hopefully he 'll be co - operative . I 'm having my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and have just written a post for my other blog The Unquiet Mind . Please go have a look , it is an update on my psychiatric situation . Much too serious a subject to discuss here , where I want to keep it somewhat lighthearted , although it may not always seem that way . I must admit that I do on occasion get serious here too , but I don 't always set out to be , whereas on the other blog , I always do . I hasten to add , though , that you will not fall over with boredom if you read it . Besides , I need the traffic there , because it seems to be my orphaned blog and not a lot of people have made the link yet . I didn 't get a lot of sleep . I was up late working on the LibraryThing website , adding the proper covers to the books on my lists of books and it was a lot of fun . It became somewhat addictive and each time I said to myself that I would do one more page and stop , only to do another page after that . At one point I just had to stop because I was too tired , but I stopped reluctantly and I will finish the job today if I get the chance . I don 't nearly have all the books I have ever read listed there , but at least the ones for the past 6 years or so and maybe more . I did go through a period when I read ferociously and read a huge amount of books in a couple of years time . Some of these books I don 't remember now at all and I will have to reread them and a bunch of them are on my wish list at bol . com . Which reminds me that I still have to reorganize the bookcase . I didn 't sleep late , but got up in a half stupor , very sleepy and barely able to make coffee , but in a good mood , feeling very sleep wobbly and cozy . I sat and had my first cup behind the computer and managed to write an email that was very simple and I felt oh , so good in my warm bathrobe . Soon enough I had a second cup and the caffeine started to work and woke me up properly . There is a difference between Fair Trade coffee and the regular coffee I get . The Fair Trade coffee seems to be lower in caffeine and doesn 't wake meCiao , I managed to sleep for more than 7 hours last night , although I did get up to go to the toilet once . I was smart enough to go back to bed , but I woke up when I couldn 't catch my breath and was having breathing problems , which would be the sleep apnea acting up . I got up then and looked at the alarm clock and decided that I had slept enough and that it was okay to start the day and go have a cup of coffee . So far that 's all I 've had , one cup of coffee , and I 'm undecided if I will have another one . There 's enough for one more cup in the pot and I think I may as well have it , though the desire is not great like it usually is . I used to drink coffee as if it were the elixir of life and I don 't have that anymore now . Not since I 've stopped taking my sleeping pill and on top of that , I 'm sleeping better too . I was out walking Tyke last night and found it very cold . I 'm just not used to it anymore and can 't imagine it getting colder than this . My legs don 't feel warm enough in the leggings and pretty soon I 'll have to start wearing knitted tights underneath them . There seems to be some idea that I can 't write about my memories here from when I was a child . That somehow this is going to be damaging to me and that by doing so I will become a sorrowful heap of sadness who won 't be able to get through the rest of the day . I have to tell you that this is not true and that writing down these memories can be very liberating . I am , after all , exposing the experience for the farce that it was and the culprit for the bully they were . All of it was a farce , of which I was unfortunately the victim , but that is how I look back on it now . I was a child , but very much aware that something was majorly wrong with the picture . That I was ruled by imbeciles and the main goal in my life was to become an adult as quickly as possible and be free of them . Now , it is true that this backfired on me , but the intention was there . Enough said about that . Tyke was very bad during the night and pulled my clothes off the rattan chair and chewed on my bra and my boots . I got very angry with him , but I don 't think he is impressed . Now I have to leave my clothes in the bathroom where he can 't get to them , but he also pulled a book off the shelf and chewed on it . He 's being especially destructive lately , even though I take him for more walks . I think he wants more attention from me and it is possible that he 's not getting enough of that . I have been preoccupied and he must sense that my mind is not on the job . Today is the first Monday that I 'm also getting a personal helper besides on Fridays and I 'm looking forward to it . She will motivate me to get things done and be company for me . Getting things done is the most important thing , such as taking a shower and washing my hair and finding new clothes to wear , which are important things to start the weeNora Posted by I found it impossible to write a cheerful post here yesterday . I tried it a few times but it was to no avail . Each time I got maybe one paragraph done and that was it . Then I sat and pondered the screen for a while until my screen saver came on and I knew nothing would come of the post I had planned to write . I was just not cheerful enough . I was mostly sleepy and took naps on the sofa and in bed . Actually , taking naps is a good thing when your mood is not co - operating . It is the best way to see you through it . It was cold out and I couldn 't get warm enough inside either , although the thermometer said it was 20C degrees . At one point , I wore my bathrobe over my clothes to get warm . I think I can 't quite trust my thermometer . I have all the windows closed now and sometimes turn on the heater , though I try to be frugal with it and only turn it on if it 's absolutely necessary . I doesn 't help to sit here and have cold drinks . They cool off your whole body . I must remember to buy stuff to make hot chocolate with . That would be wonderful . I think I 've already promised myself that before and forgot about it . I must put it on the shopping list . Today is Sunday and a wonderful day to contemplate my navel and to sit and do nothing special at all , although I do have to get dressed to walk Tyke . I slept for 7 hours this morning , after I had gotten up in the middle of the night , and I feel very refreshed . I must try to go to bed quicker and get more sleep in . I don 't always have the luxury of staying in bed so late , people do come and go during the week . I will make it a point to only stay up for a little while during the night and go back to bed sooner . I have so many good intentions and then a lot of them fall by the wayside or only get halfway accomplished . I make them work to some point , at any rate to a point that I can live with them and be somewhat comfortable , but never to the point that they are perfectly worked out . There are always loose ends and unattained goals . I suppose that 's my modus operandus . I live with thCiao , It 's in the very early hours of the morning and I feel like writing about very ordinary things , although I don 't know how many ordinary things I have in me to write about . I want to get one thing out of the way first : that theory about me being up in the middle of the night because of my mother 's murder ? I am dismissing that whole idea right now and I 'm not going to pursue it . Pretend I never even brought it up and that it has remained unmentioned , because I was on the wrong track . It was a misguided attempt at trying to find an explanation for a problem , but I think it is not the right one . I probably am not going to bring it up again . Now , on to ordinary things . That 's a little bit harder than I assumed it would be , because I have to take a whole different direction in my head . I will start with the fact that I 'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk , but that I 'm going to switch to coffee in a little while because I think I need it in order to function better . I was very thirsty , that 's why I 'm drinking the milk , but it doesn 't do much for my spirit . It 's too bad that cow milk does not have a magic uplifting ingredient like coffee does . It 's so benign . I 've switched to a nice mug of coffee and I should feel the benefits of that quickly . Before you know it , I will be a perfectly well functioning human being . I won 't have to fake it like I was doing up to now . I have to decide which clothes I 'm going to wear today and all I can think is that they need to be warm , so I must wear layers . There 's a great desire to keep wearing the knitted black cardigan , but a body does want some variation once in a while , so I 'll go to my closet and see what jumps out at me . I 'm not depressed yet if I care about what I look like and I feel like wearing something bright , which is a good sign . The more colorful I am , the cheerier I am , or at least I 'm making that effort . I 'm very glad that today is Friday , which is a day that I consider to be the serious run up to the weekend . The weekend starts for me at 2 : 30 this afternoon . That ' Ciao , I changed my profile picture because after I cut my my hair , it looks more like that now than it looked like the former . I also think I look younger in it , so my deed was not without second intentions . If I find any pictures in which I look younger still , I 'll probably post one of them . I 'll have you believe I 'm a young middle aged woman yet instead of this aged one . I 'll slowly creep back in time and undergo a metamorphosis . I have hurricane proof hair and it 's so hard and spiky that I can poke your eye out . That 's just a temporary condition to get it to sit in place this morning . I used hairspray on it when it was still wet and now it 's like it 's cemented . I have to brush it to get the dangerous elements out and soften it up again . It will definitely stay in place now , there 's no danger of even one hair going in the wrong direction or lying down too flat . I was awakened to the irritating sound of the alarm clock at 8 : 30 . That meant it had been going off for some time , because I had set it for 8 o ' clock . I only had slept for two and a half hours , because I had been up the whole night . Somehow I managed to get out of bed and make myself some coffee and drink it quickly so I would come to my senses in the shortest amount of time . I had another cup as fast as I could and I recovered from my stupor in a hurry while I also smoked some cigarettes . All I had to do was get dressed and hop on my bike to go to the clinic to see my psychiatrist . I had one hour and ten minutes to pull myself together before I had to leave . That was enough time to ponder all the bigger questions in life and get dressed . I had developed a theory about my not being able to sleep during the night and it had to do with a subject that I don 't like to think about , let alone discuss on this blog . I always thought that I woke up around 2 am because my sleeping pill was done working and that I wanted to be up because it was the most peaceful time for me to be awake . The fact that I went to bed at 6 am and slept well for a couple of hours , I blamed on the fact that I was trying to postpone the day and all the pressures of it . Until I really tried to sleep through the night and found that such an awful experience and had those awful nightmares . The theory has to do with the murder of my mother , which to this day is the most shocking and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me . My whole life long I had a fear that one day my father would kill my mother . I had this fear since I was a small child and thought I could prevent it from happening . I thought I had the necessary psychological skills and bravery to prevent it . This fear never left me and just before my father actually killed my mother , I felt the fear very strongly . My father prowled around the house at night very quietly . Some people had said to my mother that she should put a lock on her bedroom door , but for some reason she never did this . I don 't know why not . I don 't know why she thought she was safe in her sleep when she was in fact at her most vulnerable . My father killed her in the early morning hours , very brutally , with a hammer and a knife . He then smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and after that very calmly called the police and told them what he had done . I discussed this theory about why I 'm not able to sleep during the night with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is very likely that this is the cause of my sleepless nights and that it is something that needs to be worked on very seriously , especially since my dreams take on such gruesome forms . Which goes to show you that some things get easier with time and some things get worse . It all depends on how you 've dealt with them . I made a new appointment and my psychiatrist said that he would inform my SPN whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday . He said that considering the circumstances and the fact that I had been rapid cycling , which was his diagnosis , he would not change anything in my medication , as that might bring about the onset of another bout of it . Writing about this subject makes me very uncomfortable and I feel that I need to move on to something else as quickly as possible . It 's like dragging old skeletons out of the closet without getting anyone 's permission , but I 'm afraid that it 's stuck in my head now and I don 't know what else to write about . It makes me infinitely sad and I can push that away as I usually do , but it will just put me back into the same position . I am planning on going to sleep at a normal time tonight and I will see what happens . Maybe a little bit of knowledge goes a long way . I am tired in a really good exhausted way . I feel like I 've done a lot of work and am at the end of it , while I 'm really only at the beginning . Have a good night , everyone . Ciao , Today I was forced to change from my tank top and my pretty red cardigan into a turtleneck sweater and a knitted black cardigan , and when I went out to walk Tyke in the afternoon , I wore my warmer brown leather jacket with my big blue scarf doubled up around my neck . I had been freezing my buns off when I met my friend Lucienne for coffee at a café where there was the only non heated terrace in town with the wind blowing right on it and we sat and shivered at the table because we both smoke and didn 't want to go inside . Neither one of us was dressed warm enough , because this kind of weather was not forecast . We wore fall clothes and what we really needed were winter clothes . We should have worn gloves , that 's how cold it was . There had been no sunshine in the morning , so the world had not gotten a chance to heat up . On top of that , we were at a café across the station , which is a notorious place for being windy . It wasn 't my choice for having a cup of coffee , but that 's the way it worked out . We both had appointments with our therapists at the same time and met afterwards and Lucienne had made arrangements to be picked up at that café . I had to ride my bike home in the cold and swore at myself for being so thinly dressed when I knew ahead of time from the Exfactor that it was cold outside . He had arrived in the morning on his motorcycle complaining that it was cold and he doesn 't complain quickly . He had also needed to wear extra clothing . His long johns for one thing . I 'm never going to wear thin clothes again from this point onward . It will be double layers from now on and always my thick blue scarf and I will put my gloves in my pocket and look for new ones to buy to match my scarf so that I will be color co - ordinated . You do have to give consideration to these things even if you are cold . My appointment with my SPN went alright , except that we talked about me getting up in the middle of the night and my subconscious desire to want be up then and to not want to be asleep , although I expressed my wish to want to sleep all night long . Apparently I so enjoy my time during the night that I have programmed myself to be awake after I go to the toilet . The thing to try to do is to go back to sleep immediately and to not even get up for a cigarette and a glass of milk . I wish I had that desire in me , but I have such a big wish to be awake . I don 't know what role my dreams play in it . Tonight I have to try to sleep through the night because I have an appointment at 10 o ' clock in the morning with my psychiatrist . I will not have the opportunity to get up and go back to bed and sleep late . So tonight is a test to see if I can do it and sleep decently until the alarm clock goes off and what dreams I will have . I had very sad and complicated dreams this morning and I have to think about them all day long and wonder what they mean . Maybe I make too much of them . This morning I only had decaf left to drink and let me tell you , that does not work if you are used to regular coffee . I sat here in a stupor , yawning and trying to get my head to clear up while trying to make conversation with the Exfactor . I was nearly incapable of it . I hardly got a word out . Then he went grocery shopping and I walked Tyke and when he got back , the first thing I did was make a pot of coffee and have a cup immediately . It was as if a miracle took place and I became coherent again and my mood improved by a multitude . Actually , the Exfactor became more talkative too , so it had an effect on him also , so decaf was not working for both of us . Apparently he had not had enough coffee yet either . The Exfactor accidentally bought Fair Trade coffee . He thought it was priced cheaply and didn 't find out it was 2 Euros more expensive per pack until he got to the cash register . I had never bought it , but my sister buys it and I always think her coffee tastes bad , so it was with some amount of trepidation that I made the pot of coffee , thinking that it wasn 't going to taste as good as the coffee I normally get . But I have to tell you that it was fine and tasted good , so it is all in how well you make it . Apparently my sister doesn 't know how to make a good pot of coffee . I use one rounded tablespoon per cup and I think I possibly make strong coffee , but that 's the way I like it . Everybody else seems to think so also . I would love to buy Fair Trade coffee all the time , but it would add 4 Euros a week to my grocery bill and I can 't afford that . Poor people can 't afford to buy ecologically and biologically sound products . We just have to do without . I just can 't do without coffee . I just took Tyke for his last walk of the day . The wind has stopped blowing as much and now it 's just pleasantly cold . That thick scarf sure is a pleasure to wear , but I notice that I really need a warmer winter coat , so I will have to save up my money for it , or wear more layers of clothing . I had forgotten what it feels like to be cold and this is just the beginning . I don 't mind as much if the wind doesn 't blow , but that 's the culprit . I still don 't have the heater turned on , because it 's still warm inside . The sun shines through the living room windows in the afternoon and heats it up in here . I have closed the bedroom windows because it was getting too cold with them open at night . I was freezing my butt off when I got undressed in the evening when I went to bed . The back of the apartment is in the shade , so definitely cooler and the windows don 't have double glazing . I 'm going to cut the top of my hair in a little while . The rest of it has been cut short , but I didn 't have the top cut short enough . I can do it myself easily with sharp enough scissors and save 15 Euros , or look ridiculous , but I don 't think so , because I used to cut my own hair all the time . I looked at my friend Lucienne 's hair today and realized that mine was too long . Hers was shorter and perkier and made her look younger and was better styled . My hair is unruly and hard to tame and only in good shape when it 's just been cut . So , before I put my pajamas on I will do that . Have a good evening , everyone and tell me about your weather . Although I had a big mouth this morning about getting dressed and going out early to walk Tyke , I did no such thing , but went to bed instead and slept for 4 hours . The prospect of going out in the cold morning air wasn 't all that appealing when I considered my warm and cozy bed and the sleepiness that suddenly started enfolding me . I decided to do the easiest thing first and get a few hours of sleep before I became an active and responsible dog owner . I set the alarm clock so I would not stay in bed too long and fell asleep almost instantly with Tyke by my side . I guess he was okay with the whole plan and he snuggled up quite cozily . When I got up , I made myself the obligatory coffee and smoked some cigarettes . Waking up wasn 't too hard and I hardly had any cobwebs . I had two cups of coffee and I didn 't feel discombobulated at all . Then Tyke and I got ready to walk to the tobacco shop with baggies in my pocket and my wallet in my purse . Tyke likes the walk there , because it allows him to explore some different territory and to pee against different trees and bushes and to hopefully find edible items when we pass the little shops . He is an equal opportunity eater because he eats from the fish monger and the Arab grocer . When we got to the tobacco shop , it was closed due to illness , so we had to turn around and go home again , because I could not take Tyke to the supermarket . I took a different route home , thinking that would be exciting for Tyke and I was not mistaken . There were many good trees that needed to be thoroughly sniffed and examined and very regularly there was something minuscule on the sidewalk that needed to be closely looked at and tasted . Tyke lies down and makes himself into a dead weight that refuses to budge and can 't be moved without you looking like an animal abuser . So you stand and wait until he 's done . I have to have patience . Luckily , I had little kids once and I 've been well trained . I did chores when I got home , because my domestic help was coming and I do want to look like someone who cI rode my bike to the supermarket in the afternoon , in the bright sunshine , in the somewhat chilly temperatures , and made copies of my passport and birth certificate for my daughter who is applying for a Dutch passport . We are in the preliminaries and many certified copies of documents will have to be sent . I also bought tobacco and filter tubes and managed to retrieve my bike out of the overfull bike rack without damaging it and without pulling a lot of other bikes out with it . It 's the handlebars that get caught . It 's like when you have a box full of clothes hangers and you want to pull one out and they all get caught in each other and you pull them all out . I just took Tyke out for another walk and we went to the field . There was a little Yorkshire Terrier puppy running around and it was love at first sight . I 've never seen such a thing . That puppy looked like he was attached to a rubber band and hopped up and down around Tyke quicker than a ping pong ball . Tyke was mesmerized . I think he would like a little puppy of his own . Oh , I mustn 't even think about it . I 'm getting awfully tired and must think about going to bed . I haven 't had that much sleep . It will be nice to lie in bed and read for a while and hopefully remember to hide my book from Tyke . Have a good night everyone . Ciao , I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep and was wide awake . I got up immediately and didn 't even try to stay in bed and go back to sleep . All I could think was , " Get up , get up , and make the most of it . " I didn 't want to stay in bed and struggle with sleep and nightmares and tossing and turning , when I could be up and have a good time behind the computer in the quiet time of the middle of the night . I realize that now I have to catch up on my sleep during the day or otherwise pay a terrible price in the form of a depression , but I 've got the whole morning to sleep and I assume I will get tired toward the dawn . I now realize why I don 't like sleeping during the night . It 's those nightmares and the tossing and turning and the feeling that the night seems to last forever and be a matter of hard labor that turns me off . That headache I woke up with in the morning , and that I thought had disappeared with the first cup of coffee , returned in full force and lasted all day until I took a paracetamol with codeine . I 'm sure it is a stress headache and not a migraine , and several times my neck cracked when I turned it , but I don 't think you 're supposed to get stress from sleeping . The nightmares bothered me very much and I didn 't want a repeat of that . I did last well all day , though , and didn 't feel the need for a nap and my mood was good all day long . I even changed my clothes and got properly dressed and put earrings in . It does feel good to look nice and feel as if you 've pulled yourself together , even if it is only for your own benefit and to walk the dog in . At least I enjoyed walking the dog several times , regardless of the never ending sameness of the scenery and it wasn 't a chore like it sometimes is . Walking a dog in the suburbs can be very non - challenging and boring . I 'm sure it isn 't that much fun for the dog either , although he seems to make a big deal out of it and is always tracking something . Maybe he gets a bigger kick out of it than I do and I 'm projecting my feelings onto him . I have to set the alarm cCiao , I finally did it . I managed to sleep for 12 hours , with one minor break in it at one point during the night . I slept so much that , when I first got up this morning , I had a headache from it . It was cured pretty quickly with a cup of coffee . I got up during the night and was very disappointed , thinking I would be up for hours . I got a glass of milk and smoked a cigarette and answered some emails and went back to bed , very determined to fall asleep again , and I did . I did have the most awful dreams about the American War for Independence and death and mutilation and murder . It was all very graphic and gruesome and I felt the pain in my sleep . I don 't know why I have to dream about such violent things . They are what I am most scared of . A whole night 's worth of sleep sure gives you the opportunity to dream a lot and my imagination apparently knows no bounds . All I can tell you is that dying by bullet is a kinder way to go than dying by sword or knife . Now it very happily is Sunday , the day of rest , and I am more than ready for it . All I have to do is go to the gas station to buy cigarettes , because with all that sleeping I did during the day yesterday , I forgot to go to the tobacco shop and I 've used up the last crumbs of tobacco to make myself some cigarettes . I will not let that spoil the day , however , and I 'm planning to make the most of it . The church bells are joyfully ringing and the sun is shining and it promises to be a nice day . Actually , it is the kind of day that makes you want to go to Ikea and buy things for your apartment to liven it up , because the drive over there is pretty too and it is so much fun to walk around in the store and to covet all the things that are on display . Alas , the budget does not allow it , unless I go rob the gas station and I 'm too law abiding to do that . Imagine having the nerve to do that and having to live with the knowledge afterwards . I think I could only get away with robbing a really rich Arab of his pocket money , lol . But he probably only carries credit cards . The ExfactCiao , I got up during the night , although I had vowed not to do that . I wrote a post about that experience , justifying it and making it look like it was not such a bad thing to do at all , and that I could really handle it and that it was unlikely to cause me any problems . That post was , in fact , a load of bullshit and I realized that in the morning and deleted it . I know there were people who read it and I 'm sorry that they did , because they must have had their doubts about me and my sensibility . I did go back to bed after I wrote that post and slept another few hours , but after I had been up for a little while , I rapidly started to cycle downwards into a depression . At first I didn 't realize the cause and the effect and I thought I was doomed to have another bad day . I didn 't know what to do and thought maybe the medication I was taking was all wrong for me and that all sorts of things about it would have to be changed . I walked Tyke and then tried to concentrate on watching some cultural programs on TV , but it didn 't alter my mood and I thought , " My God , what 's the sense in living ? " I took my second batch of medicines and laid down on the sofa , not knowing what else to do . I fell asleep there and slept for 4 hours and when I woke up , my depression was gone and I felt fine . Which goes to show you , like I already knew from past experiences , but had forgotten , that when I 'm rapidly cycling downwards , I need to go to sleep and seriously sleep for a couple of hours , deeply and undisturbed . I used to have a sign that said , " You are rapid cycling ! Go to sleep ! " I don 't know what happened to it and I will ask the Exfactor to make me a new one . All I know is , that when I 'm rapid cycling , I need a lot of sleep , more than usual , 8 hours isn 't going to do it , and a disturbed night 's sleep is really bad . I need to sleep at least 10 hours if not more . The depression is cured by sleeping . So the next time I 'm up in the middle of the night and I decide to write a post , and it is a bullshit story justifying my reason to be up , just iNora I was up during the night and I was so hypomanic . I was higher than a kite . I only wrote emails and comments on blogs , but I wonder if I was obnoxious ? I took my medicines at 5 am and went to bed a 7 am and slept until 10 o ' clock when I had to get up for my personal helper . I was not in a very good mood and it worsened with time until I was deeply depressed when I got out of the shower . I was a mess and wanted there to be a way to end my life . I sat in my armchair and cried . The personal helper did the dishes and walked the dog . She talked to me and tried to make me feel better . I was inconsolable and took my next batch of medicines . They started to work after a while and I calmed down some , but I couldn 't get rid of the feelings of dread . The domestic help arrived and the personal helper explained the situation to her . The domestic help did her work quickly and quietly while I sat in my armchair . My psychiatrist and my SPN were both absent for the day and I tried to reach someone else to talk to . After the domestic help left I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep . Someone else called me and tried to make me feel better . It didn 't help much , except that I got to tell my story . I went back to sleep . Some time later my personal helper called to see how I was . I said that I was trying to take care of myself . I slept until 5 o ' clock and when I woke up I felt better , though I was distinctly lacking in enthusiasm . I had something to eat and took my next batch of medicines and sat in my armchair . I was supposed to walk the dog , but had to wait for the delivery boy from the pharmacy . I watched TV without the least bit of interest until the delivery boy showed up . Then I walked Tyke in the very cool evening air . That got some life back into me and when I got home , I turned on the computer , not really knowing what to do once I had it on . I was undecided about writing a post . I 'm going to shut the computer off now that I 've written it . I have to sleep well tonight and not get up . I don 't know yeNora I fell asleep on the sofa and slept right through the news , so now I don 't know anything about the state of the country or the world and I feel very badly informed . Do you think it is really terrible if I miss a couple of days ? Actually , it 's been more than a couple of days and for all I know the queen has taken over the leadership of the government and sent the whole incompetent bunch home . Oh no , I did watch the repeats of the news this afternoon and everything was as incompetent as ever , that 's right . Our new government was almost being formed , we 're just a hair 's breath away from it and we 're all just thrilled to pieces . It 's been an extremely difficult birthing process and I think that shows it 's not really meant to be , but onward they go with one track minds . I won 't go on about this , because I 'll get bogged down in details and I 'll get upset and that will influence my good mood . When I woke up , I did not feel the need to make a pot of coffee like I usually do when I wake up from a nap , but got a glass of cold milk and that 's what I 'm drinking now , figuring that it will help me fall asleep quicker tonight when I 'm ready to go to bed . So , I 'm not having to artificially alter my mind with caffeine to feel good . I think that 's a good sign . I 'm a bit wary of drinking too much coffee , because I don 't want to become hypomanic again . There 's still a slight danger that I will , because sometimes I feel very good , as in , " Wow , are those fireworks exploding in my head ? " And " My God , everything is full of stars ! " I 've started reading ' The Amateur Marriage ' by Anne Tyler . Sometimes you need to read an uncomplicated , non - offensive book and that 's the kind Anne Tyler writes . This is one of the few books by her that I 've not read . I 've also got ' The Accidental Tourist ' and I 'm going to be rereading that soon . I remember enjoying that one very much the first time around . When I read in bed , I have to hide my book and reading glasses so Tyke doesn 't destroy them while I 'm asleep . I shove them under my pillows when I get sleepCiao , Much to my own surprise , I turned the computer off last night and watched an entire episode of ' Silent Witness ' on TV and went straight to bed after that . Oh , and before I did that , I walked the dog like a good owner , so he didn 't have to piddle out back . I was mighty proud of myself . So , I didn 't sleep on the sofa with the computer on so that I could get behind it the minute I woke up . When I got up , I made a pot of coffee first and then turned on the computer . It 's the little nuances that count . The fact is that I slept and that I was ready to go to bed and fell asleep almost instantly . My stomach wasn 't tied in knots and I wasn 't obsessed about the computer . Of course , now I 'm sitting behind it , but I always do that in the early morning , so that is part of my regular ritual . There 's nothing abnormal about that . I 'm trying to get my life back to normal now that I 'm starting to see the forest for the trees again . I can 't wait to have everything back in place the way it used to be . If there 's anything I abhor it is change . I am going to ask for an extra two hours of input from my personal helper sometime earlier in the week on a Monday or Tuesday . I think I can use that and it 's been offered to me . I will arrange that tomorrow . I 'm going to quit the creative classes because I think they have caused the necessary upheaval for me and I don 't want any more of it . I 've come to be disgusted with them and anything associated with them and I 'm sorry that I ever tried to fit them into my schedule . It 's been a bad experience . I 'm happy that I 'm getting Monday 's domestic help back . That 's a very good thing . You really should appreciate what you have . I 'm going back to bed and finish sleeping . I won 't have to worry about the day getting started yet . I think I will read a book . Ciao , |
Okay , so I know our posts have been a bit more sporadic , but we are the new parents of twins … . . Need I say more ? Okay , maybe not , but I will . We 've had Alex & Eliana full time with us for about 2 weeks now , and it has been quite the roller coaster . But , I dare say that we might just be getting into a routine . Exciting , right ? ! We think so . We 've managed to get them to take naps around the same time , which is a miracle in and of itself . Their personalities are really starting to blossom , which is awesome . As Wes stated previously , Eliana is quite the scrappy little girl , full of spunk . She is not at all gentle , but is always quite joyful . She even seems to laugh and smile when she is hitting Alex over the head with their plastic hammer . Okay … maybe that 's not a good thing . We 'll keep monitoring this behavior . ; ) Alex has calmed down a good bit , and seems to be coming into his own . He is much more gentle , but much faster and stronger than Eliana , so he can crawl across the room in record time . Of course , he still doesn 't like going to sleep , but his sister has decided to obtain this lovely quality too . I guess that 's why we can get them to sleep around the same time . All in all , we are making plenty of mistakes , having minor triumphs , and we are basically just winging it . Isn 't that what most new parents do ? We are trying not to be too hard on ourselves . Alex is trying to breach the baby barrier . He 's happy about it . Something new that has occurred in my world is my attitude in the mornings when the twins wake up … . and it 's not really a good thing . I have always been able to have a fairly good attitude when I wake up in the mornings . I 've never been super grouchy early in the morning or late at night . Well … that 's all changed . Unfortunately , when I wake up at night , I have a hard time getting back to sleep . This unfortunate situation has greatly affected my morning attitude . Now that I get up to change and feed babies in the middle of the night , I lose a lot of sleep at night . So then I wake up sleep deprived , and I am supremely grouchy . I find myself getting ticked at the twins for waking up at 7am every morning . I mean seriously , don 't they know that I need my sleep ? ! You 'd think that by 8 months old they would have a better understanding of their mother 's needs . Right ? ! I 've had a stern talking with both of them about the situation , but they just look at me with these innocent doe eyes , looking all cute and smiley , acting like they don 't understand a thing I am saying . I will have to figure out some appropriate disciplinary action for these two . On to today 's events … . Our friends Bex & Josh just recently arrived here in Addis a couple of weeks ago , and also have their little Mercy girl with them . They just passed court on Tuesday , and are enjoying the same full time parenthood that we are , here in the same guesthouse . Today , all 7 of us made our way to the monthly Bazaar at the International Evangelical Church . Wow , it was Ferenji ( foreigner ) heaven ! There were people from all over the world there , buying cultural goods from various NGOs that gather there once a month . This church even had green grass in the courtyard ! I never knew what a difference grass and flowers could do for the air quality , but when you live in very polluted city , you notice the difference . It felt nice to be there today . I even mustered up some courage to speak in Norwegian to a man I noticed in front of me , with a Norway branded bag . I was seriously proud of myself when he responded in a different dialect than I speak , and I actually understood half of what he said ! And in very un - classic Norwegian style , he was super friendly to me and even wanted to introduce me to his son and daughter - in - law , and new grandchild . Hope you 're proud of me , Mamma ! The NGO Bazaar . Ahh . . . green grass . After the Bazaar , we headed to lunch at Metro Pizza , a new little gem of a restaurant that we just discovered . Fabulous pizza , and a really trendy atmosphere . We loved it ! From Metro , we dropped Bex & Josh and Mercy Bear off at our guesthouse , and then headed over to our orphanage , since they were having a birthday party for some of our favorite girls . It was so special to be a part of this . I have to say that when I am at this orphanage , it is the one place I really feel connected to Ethiopia . There no one is asking us for money , or taking advantage of us , or conning us … . we are simply friends sharing a common bond . It is really beautiful , and it makes my heart feel good . I feel like more than a ferenji . I feel like a friend and sister . Our favorite people in Ethiopia . . . nannies and children at our orphanage . We love them so much ! It had been a week since we had been there , and they had a new arrival … . a little boy . The nannies who were there today were unsure of his age or circumstances . All I can say is this is the first time I have seen a baby look like the pictures I used to see of Ethiopia in National Geographic when I was a child . I remember even trying to do a pencil drawing of a picture I saw in the magazine , of a little boy who was starving . This little baby boy at the orphanage is so emaciated . When he cried , all the skin on his face became wrinkles , and he looked like an old man , because he had no fat on his body at all to fill out his cheeks , or any part of his body . His little ribs were excruciatingly visible . The skin was sagging on his arms . He has little tufts of hair on his head , patchy because of little scabs that were spread all over his scalp . He is so frail . I sat there and held him , kissed his face , and even fed him a little from a bottle . He occasionally let out a little whimper . And then the tears just started falling . I cried and cried over him , all the while praying for Jesus to reveal himself to this little one . I guess the nannies felt bad for me , because they kept saying , " It 's okay . It 's okay . " The nurse said , " He needs pray and love . " I nodded my head in agreement . Oh how I long to see this little miracle healed and filled with joy . His eyes were so sad . We are just praying that light will fill his eyes soon , and his body will be filled with nourishment and healing . Just another day in Ethiopia … . . And no matter how difficult it can be sometimes , I am grateful for every day . More of the people we love . It has been nearly a week since there has been a post , and to our faithful readers we say we 're sorry to have kept you waiting . It has been a tougher transition than either of us thought . If you add up all the adoption stresses , court delays , crying babies , lack of sleep , pediatrician visits , and personal sickness then you would get a taste of our last week . Day 1 : It is a very surreal feeling to be taking Alex and Eliana from the orphanage . It is more like an extended visit where they will stay with us for an entire day . Both of them slept great during the day , naptime was so easy . They acted just like they did in the orphanage . But things took a different turn when night came . Eliana was crying and it was taking some soothing to get her quieted down . As we were getting them ready for bed , I was lying on the bed with Eliana on my stomach and Nina was changing Alex . I started singing to Eliana and I saw Nina leave the room for a second ( to throw away the dirty diaper ) , but it didn 't register that Alex could roll off . I kept singing but out of the corner of my eye I saw feet fly up in the air as Alex face planted on the floor . The bed is about 15 - 18 inches from the floor so it could have been much worse . He screamed and cried real tears . The parquet floor left and imprint on his forehead and he had a cut just under his nose . I knew this day would come , just didn 't know it would come on the first day . I told Nina later , " Well , we got that out of the way . " Day 2 : ( From my Journal ) We brought them home yesterday . It was an awesome day . Alex is growing really attached to me . Also today he cried when Nina left the room . Day 3 : ( From my Journal ) This is more tiring than I thought , well not really but I am not used to not sleeping . I am so on edge with the worry that they will fall out of these shallow cribs ; Alex already climbs up on the sides . I have installed pillows and blankets on the floor ( around the crib ) in case he gets heroic . Ha ! I have changed dozens of " crappy " diapers , there have been a few epic ones , ones that have been up the back , coming out the sides and dripping down the legs . But I really don 't care . I love being a Dad . It has been wonderful to have them recognize us , even in a crowded room . ( I was playing basketball while Nina was holding him , and Alex was smiling and laughing at me . I was at least 40 - 50 ft away and he rarely took his eyes off of me . ) Right now I am too tired to write too much . Going to bed . I love them to death but they are wearing me ( us ) out . Right now they are sleeping , which with Alex is always a gift . Alex is at war with sleep . It is a daily combat zone when he gets tired . 2 days ago he turned into a possessed child , kicking and screaming , slapping and yelling just to keep himself awake . He did it today too , but I prevailed . So I am going to institute a new strategy to face the bizarre - Alex ( sleepy Alex ) ; I am going to let him play until he wears out … as long as I ( we ) have the engery . [ he just woke up , so journaling is on hold for a while ] . I am back ; bathroom break . Who would have thought that bathroom time would become a commodity ( commodity , get it ? . . . you know commode ? . . . never mind ) . The times have changed . I was at " War " last night with Alex . He didn 't nap much and he wasn 't going to go to bed . So I sat on the floor with him for about 3 hours , 3 hours after Eliana went peacefully to bed . [ Remember my plan to wear him out ? I was putting it in to play ] . During one of those hours he played with a plastic case , for the entire hour . He would just turn it over and over in his hands as if it held some undiscovered truth . My plan was kind of working , he was rubbing is eyes and yawning but he refused to close his eyes . Nina came in and picked him up and tried to rock him to sleep . She had just woke the sleeping giant or crossed in to enemy territory . I didn 't know a child could cry so fiercely and not be in unbearable pain or scared out of their minds . She rocked and rocked and rocked and rocked to no avail ; this boy has an iron will . Funny thing , the whole time his eyes were closed . Nina went for reinforcements , a 6oz . bottle of formula and the big bad Hulk transformed into a precious , sleeping little boy . To add to the frustration he is no longer eating rice cereal or baby food . He will only take his bottle and then only some of the time ( I think we did the switch to Amercian formula too fast , so we went and bought some Ethiopian formula to mix in , that has helped a little ) . There is a small bit of rejection that comes when your child won 't eat when they are hungry or sleep when they are sleepy . It makes you feel like that you can 't even meet the most basic needs of your children . What magnifies your ineptitude is the plethora of comments and advise , it seems everyone has an opinion and those opinions are conflicting and illogical at times . But hey , what do I know ? This is my first rodeo … maybe they are all right and I should do everything . Just really frustrated right now . Eliana has been battling congestion since she was in the orphanage . It has grown worse over the last few days . We took her to the Brook hospital to see a pediatrician . The facility was great , sorta upscale for where we have been before . 100 birr a piece ( about USD $ 6 . 50 ) for both Alex and Eliana . We thought that we would have them checked for parasites while we were there as well . Everything checked out okay . The doctor gave us a presciption , 15 . 75 Birr for the meds ( not even a dollar ) . Now that I like . [ … ] this is turning into a lousy day . My allegories have kicked in and they have come with a vengeance . My head is about 3x the normal size , at least it feels that way . I have an unending supply of mucus dripping down my throat and running down my nose . Nina has it as well , such a bummer . Last night was horrible . I was so close to having a mental breakdown . Both Nina and I are suffering from symptoms and this has made sleep much harder for both of us . I walked in to the room and she was having a coughing fit , nearly choking . I thought that she was having an allergic reaction to the medicine . I race to her side and pick her up , gently patting her back . I brought her in to the other room , Nina woke up , and we stayed for a few minutes . When we all decided to go to bed and I laid Eliana down she started crying . It started at 12am and it felt like it would never end . We tried letting her cry for a couple minutes to see if that would work , but no dice . What happened next was a culmination of 12 days of this non - stop routine . I couldn 't get to sleep for her crying . I can 't breathe because of my own congestion . A few times Nina got up and rocked her to a slumber , but as soon as she laid her down she started the shrillest cries ever . They cut straight to the heart , and they were saying , " Meet my need ! Why can 't you meet my need ? ! ? ! " I sit straight up with my head in my hands just freaking out , not sure what to do ; Nina takes Eliana into the next room and stays there . I go to the roof top to clear my head . I am there for about five minutes and I hear the Lord say , " Your son Needs you . " So I went back down , crawled into bed and went to sleep . I woke up the next morning with my right eye so full of gunk that I couldn 't see out of it . And it took me a few minutes of hacking and coughing just to breath … this sucks . Here are some things you should know : We think we know why there are behavioral changes in Alex and Eliana , i . e . eating and sleeping habits . There is some grieving and protesting going on . It makes total sense . They were docile the first few days and then the gloves came off . Which is a very common theme in the adoption world . So we are not complete failures at this parenting thing . Ha . Today I took Alex in the bed room because he was being extra crunchy - tired boy and I said we are going to sleep . So I built a fort on the bed , I call it For Miki ( they called him Miki at the orphanage ) . I let him scour the perimeter so he would see there was no way out . He pulled up on Daddy 's legs smiling and laughing and dancing . I said , " Son , you aren 't fooling anyone . Everyone saw the yawning and the eye rubbing so just give in . " After a few minutes I started singing . It was like some one flipped the quiet switch . He just put his head on my chest as I sang him to sleep . Then Daddy crawled under the covers beside of him and we took a 4 hour Daddy and Alex nap . Good times . We thought that Eiana was all girl : petite , delicate , sweet , etc . Well , she is not that at all . She is not even the cuddling type . Sorry Bestemor , but she is not all girl . Just ask Alex , who daily gets a dose of her blows . One day it was a plastic hammer to the head , 3 times in a row , and she was smiling and giggling the whole time . The next day she grabbed handfuls of his hair . But I must say that she loves kisses and tickling . She smacks you hard in the face or brings her legs to your chest or chin with a scissor - like motion but with great velocity . She has no idea what kind of force those little hands and feet pack . We ( Nina ) has had to correct her many times in this area , as Nina has also had her hair pulled and has been smacked in the face . The bad part is that Eliana is just smiling and laughing as she does it . There doesn 't appear to be a gentle bone in the girl 's little body . Also , Eliana is starting to pull up on her crib and other things around the apartment , so that is good . We are getting a real taste of their personalities . When we tell Alex " no " , he looks at you and will try again but after a few " no 's " he will go way or just stare at you to see if you are going to look away so he can proceed with the prohibited items . Eliana just bursts out in tears . She gets her feelings hurt when she gets corrected . It is going to be cool to see how their personalities evolve and change . It is hard to take this but as close as we got to Alex and Eliana at the orphanage we still have to gain their trust with their lives . We were only there 3 hours a day . No matter how much we knew that we were their parents , to them we were just visitors and their Nannies were the ones who were going to meet all of their needs . This is why all the protesting and behavioral changes are occurring now . Once that truth clicked in my mind I was / am much more at peace with things now . p . s . We got our court decree , so now it 's just a matter of our agency getting everything to embassy , so we can get approved for an embassy appointment . Pray for our agency staff here , that they can get all the required documents they need in order to get us home . : ) Okay , so yesterday you met the twins , and because so many have requested it , I am sharing some pics from the first day we met our miracles . It was such a special day that we will never forget . Truly amazing . Eagerly waiting to hold them . We could see them across the courtyard in this picture . Couldn 't resist sharing this picture , because I love that Alex is looking up at us . Posted by . . . . . Eliana Tizita Mullins and Alexander Mikiyas Mullins ! Yes , the greatly anticipated post is finally here ! We have passed court , and are now the proud full - time parents of Eliana and Alex . We have had these two little ones for several days now , and it has been awesome . I would be lying if I said I wasn 't tired . Wow . Wes and I are exhausted ! But it is the most beautiful exhaustion we could ask for . It is so worth it . The day we left the orphanage , the nannies cried . It was so bittersweet . Fortunately , we 've been back since , and we will be going back again many times before we leave . It felt amazing and surreal to bring these two little miracles home with us . As we were climbing into the van to go back to our guesthouse , I could hardly believe we were finally going to be with Alex & Eliana 24 / 7 . I just didn 't seem real . After 5 + years of waiting to bring children into our family , this was it . This was the miracle of all miracles . Simply amazing . Once we got back to the guesthouse , we gave them both baths . Not because they were dirty , but because we were just excited to give our children baths for the first time in our care . They loved the water . We used the sinks in the bathroom , and they just splashed and splashed . We dried them off , put yummy smelling lotion all over their beautiful brown skin , and just soaked in the goodness of it all . I have to say that overall , these two are some of the happiest babies I have known . They are so easy to please . Alex is all boy . He loves to get into everything . He is much stronger than Eliana , so he can crawl pretty fast , and can pull up to standing and grab things off of shelves . He apparently hates sleeping , so no matter how tired he is , he will fight it . He will rub his eyes , lay down on the ground , but sleep is not an option . Fortunately , this translates into about 11 hours of sleep at night . Score . He laughs all the time , and he is absolutely attached to Wes . He is ALL daddy 's boy . I am second in line , but I don 't mind . He laughs a lot , and is full of mischief . Love him to death . Eliana is all girl . She is petite and delicate . She has the most awesome smiles , as she is still fairly toothless . She has a hilarious little face she makes when she thinks something is funny . She is SO easy . She just sits in her little spot , and laughs and coos while she plays with her toys . She takes good naps during the day , and is a fantastic eater . Everything makes her smile . And when she sleeps she is either curled up in a ball , or has both arms spread wide out while her legs are spread out in an all out split . It is SO cute ! She still wakes up a couple times at night , but a little formula put her right back to sleep . They both like to bang each other on the heads with their hands or toys , and they both think it is hilarious . They are both crawling , so there 's no leaving them alone for even a second . We are definitely kept on our toes all day . Again . . . . so worth it . And now we wait . We have to wait on paperwork from court to go through . We have to wait for our obligation letter to come back from the U . S . Then we have to wait on our embassy date . We are just praying it will go quickly . We love Ethiopia so much , but we are eager to get home also to have some good time together as a family in our own surroundings . Thank you again and again for all your continued prayers . You have no idea how much we have felt them . Simply amazing . Today is the day . Today is the day they decide if they will approve our court case . I 'm not going to lie . My stomach has a few knots in it . Yesterday we were at the orphanage when we got a call from our agency rep here in Ethiopia . She said she was going to come by the orphanage to talk to Wes and I . She wouldn 't tell us what she wanted to talk to us about , but we knew that she had just been to MOWA to speak to them about our case . I was terrified . I was holding Eliana at the time , and I was seriously restless . I just kept kissing her head , pretty much comforting myself in the process . During the wait , one of the nannies told me she was leaving . Apparently she had gotten a new job ( at least I hope that is what I understood ) . She was crying , and saying goodbye to everyone . All the nannies had tears streaming down their faces . Oh how my heart ached ! After she left , I walked into the twins ' old room ( they just moved all the babies from our room into the same room as the toddlers a couple of days ago ) . I set her down next to me , and played with her as she just cooed and smiled . In the midst of the play , I felt sick to my stomach . I was running a hundred scenarios through my mind about what she could possibly want to talk to us about . Why couldn 't she have told us over the phone ? Did something go wrong with the twins ' paperwork ? Did the birthfather show up and want them back ? Were they going to tell us that the adoption could not be completed ? These were just a sampling of the questions that were going through my head . And while I am not typically a pessimist , I was already trying to prepare myself for the worst outcome . I was trying to tell myself that no matter what , God was in control . No matter what , God knew what was best for Wes and I and the twins . No matter what , I would still love Him . Our agency rep arrived . She is such a refined and beautiful woman , who walks with great poise . Her hair always looks just right , and she dresses in the latest fashion trends every day of the week . She 's gorgeous . As I saw her walking across the courtyard , I made my way outside , with Eliana still in my arms . We sat down in the manager 's office and she said , " Well , I don 't have the best news , but it is not terrible news . " I immediately felt relief . Wes and I both did . When she asked us how we were doing , we both said we were nervous because we thought she was going to give us terrible news . She told us it was nothing like that . She proceeded to tell us that MOWA was now requiring a new document . It wasn 't one they had asked for before . It was simply one they recommended people have . Apparently all the agencies were in upheaval because of this new requirement . They wanted a separate document that stated we were aware that we needed to give 3 , 6 , and 12 month post placement reports , and yearly reports thereafter to be done by us . It didn 't matter that our homestudy stated that we were aware of this . It didn 't matter that we had already paid for the post placement reports . They wanted a sheet of paper that was notarized and authenticated . Ummm … . yeah … a little difficult to do while we are here in Ethiopia . So from there we headed over to DHL immediately , to send a document over to Kentucky , to have one of our friends work on this for us . The hope was to have that document filled out , and sent back to us within the next week . Of course , once we got there , it was closed for lunch ( ah Ethiopia … . ) . So we decided to just go to lunch and try afterwards . After a $ 3 filet mignon at Cloud 9 , we headed back over to DHL . As I started filling out the address label , our agency rep called . Wes popped out for a second as I stayed there in the DHL office . A minute later he popped back in and said to cancel the mailing . Apparently , MOWA wanted something else now , and our rep said she would get back with us once she figured out exactly what that was . She was obviously irritated ( not with us , but with those asking for these new documents ) . We decided to sit down in the lobby and have a cup of coffee ( they have a coffee ceremony every day in our guesthouse down in the lobby ) . We just sat there for a while . Wes sat at a table writing in his journal , and I sat in one of the comfy chairs in front of the television . The Accidental Husband was on . I had never seen it , but Colin Firth is one of the stars , and he does not get the girl in the end . Colin Firth should always get the girl . I digress … . She looked frazzled . Very unusual for her . She had been working hard for us all day , and she was not happy with the outcome thus far . All she could tell us was that she felt like she made some positive headway , but there would be no way to know until the next day ( today ) . We could only wait and hope , and in the meantime , we would need to email our homestudy agency to see if they could get anything together for us showing proof of our prepayment for our post placement reports , and whatever else might offer additional support for our case . And here we are now . It is 9 : 30 on Friday morning . We are getting ready to head over to the orphanage as we always do , and we will spend some time with our children . In the next couple of hours we should hear a final verdict on our case . My stomach 's a bit queasy , but I am okay . We are all okay . And no matter what , God is still good , and He is in complete control . On Saturday my crazy supportive parents arrived in Addis Abeba . They are here for 2 weeks and are soaking up every moment . If there were a prize for most enthusiastic grandparents , I think they would win it . One thing is for sure … I could never complain about lacking support from my family throughout this adoption . They have been amazing . On Sunday morning Wes , my parents , and I first went to another orphanage and shot a Meetcha Day for another family with our agency . It was simply beautiful . And for 3 hours we just got to hang out and spend time with all the children there . It was such a blessing . After that , we had lunch at Cloud 9 and then headed over to our orphanage , so my parents could meet their grandchildren for the first time . And wonder of wonders … Alex was sleeping ( yay ! ) . So Eliana was grandchild number one to meet the grandparents . Every day here , you pass people who are begging for food and money . Some look as if they haven 't showered in weeks . Some are lame or obviously sick . Some seem to just be along for the ride , hoping to catch a couple of birr from some unsuspecting westerners . One day as our driver was taking us to the orphanage , I remember seeing a person lying face down on the ground on the side of the road . At the time , I wondered if he was sleeping , or if he was sick , or perhaps even worse … . it made me think of the story of the good Samaritan . I wondered if I would be one of the ones to pass the man by , or if perhaps I would at least stop to see if the man was okay . I didn 't want to pass him by . Wes and I had just finished lunch over at Cloud 9 , and were on our way over to the grocery store before heading back to our guesthouse . As we were approaching the store , we saw what looked like a man convulsing on the sidewalk . People were passing him by , one by one . We walked up to him and then crouched down beside him . It wasn 't a man at all , but a young boy . It looked as if he was having a seizure , and a greenish - yellowish foam was pouring out of his mouth . Talk about feeling helpless . Up until the moment we walked up to him , people were walking over him and around him . No one even tried to stop . And here Wes and I are , crouching beside him , wondering what in the world to do with him . We had no idea how to help him . Of course , once two white people in Ethiopia stop to help a sick person on the sidewalk , they become an immediate sideshow . That was Wes & I . The first two men to stop were simply curious . We were asking them if there was any help to be had for this boy . They just motioned to us that the boy was probably mentally unstable . Yeah … not very helpful . Wes moved the boy further over to the inside of the sidewalk . He was still convulsing , and was not coherent at all . After a couple of minutes of the crowd growing around us , two men kneeled down beside the boy and started lighting matches right by his mouth and nose . I was alarmed because I was sure they were going to burn him . I asked Wes what they were doing , and he guessed they were trying to get the boy to come out of this state by getting some smoke in his lungs so he would cough and catch his breath . Weird … . but it worked . The boy started coughing , and then he started breathing a little better . We sat him up against a wall . He was still shaking , but it looked like he was coming too . He was at the very least , slightly coherent , and as people were asking him questions , he began to answer back a little , while still staring blankly at the ground . In the midst of all the questioning Ethiopians , Wes had gone in search of food and money ( we had none with us ) . So there I was , sitting next to an obviously sick boy , surrounded by curious passersby . Some of them were asking him what his sickness was . Somehow " yellow fever " started circulating , a sickness I know nothing about . Then someone said something about him going to the " poor people 's clinic " , which apparently is one of Mother Teresa 's homes . Still no clear answers . At one point , a guy walked by and put a package of cookies in my hand and then just kept walking , and disappeared down the sidewalk . I opened up the package , and starting giving the boy one at a time . He tore through them . And then a beautiful thing happened … an older woman , perhaps 45 or 50 years old , came with a large dish of Ethiopian food ( injera & lentils ) . But before she would let the boy eat ( as he was still dirty and still shaking ) , she began to wash off his hands . Then she placed his broken sandals carefully back on his feet , and even washed off his hair and the back of his neck . He was filthy , and yet she treated him like her own son , with great care and great tenderness . Seriously , it was absolutely beautiful to watch . He ate that food as if he had never eaten before . A little more light began to come into his eyes . He wasn 't smiling , but he was speaking some . He told me his name was Addisselam . And then the craziest thing happened … . an Ethiopian guy joined the crowd ( that 's not the strange part ! ) … . but he had a perfect American accent . He began translating for us , and long story short … this guy had just returned from about 20 + years in the States . He stuck by our side for the rest of the day . Wes , Ash ( the Ethiopian - American guy 's name ) , Addisselam , and I hopped into a local mini - bus taxi , and headed over to the Korean hospital ( where most westerners go for medical care ) . On our trip over , we learned that Ash had lived in Kentucky , and even worked at our favorite Ethiopian restaurant , Queen of Sheba . How crazy is that ? ! Once we arrived at the hospital , we had to wait for about an hour . During that hour we learned that he had no family . He told us that he was 14 years old , and that his mother had died about 10 years ago , and he didn 't know anything about his father , except for the fact that he had also passed away . He lived mostly on the street . Finally we got in to see the doctor . The doctor told us that our young friend was just extremely hungry , and his body had shut down because he hadn 't eaten in several days . He said that he could do blood tests to see if there was something more to the seizure - like episode he had had , but he really believed that it was due to hunger . He suggested we instead use our money to buy him some dinner and a soda to get some sugar into his body . So 50 birr later ( yes , that 's about three U . S . dollars for an ER visit ! ) , we left the hospital and headed back home . Addisselam and I sat in the front again , and as the music played over the radio , out of the corner of my eye I could see his head bopping back and forth to the beat . I put my arm around him and tapped him on the opposite shoulder . When he realized it was me just playing with him , a big smile spread across his face . Wow . What a beautiful smile . We finally made it back to Bole Rd . near our guesthouse . We bought him a big bottle of orange soda and he refused to let us buy him any more food because he still had leftovers from the sandwich we bought him earlier in the day when he first had the episode . We gave him 14 Birr . Apparently he rents a bed to sleep on at night for about 7 Birr a night ( that 's about 45 cents ) . I tried calling several people I know here in Addis , but nobody had any immediate ideas about a place where a street kid could find help . We are still working on it . I would like to say we were heroes , and saved the day , but at the END of the day , there wasn 't much else we could do but help him eat and rent a bed . SO frustrating . We tried meeting with him again today , to attempt to find him a better place to stay , but he never showed up . Wow . It was a crazy day . And after all that , once we said goodbye to him , we had several children just like him walk up to us asking us for money and food . I have no answers for the questions and feelings that came up throughout everything we experienced yesterday . We felt so powerless , and so helpless . The only thing I know is that I am SO glad that we didn 't pass him by . Today has been an emotional day . As we 've grown closer to the nannies , and as we grow closer to our babies , conflicting emotions are starting to sprout . Today I was in the twins ' room with Desta , their favorite nanny . She was changing Eliana 's diaper ( don 't worry , I do it too ! She 's just a LOT faster than me ! ) , and then she asked me when we were taking Alex & Eliana . She said , " One month ? Two month ? " I said , " No , in a few days . We aren 't leaving Ethiopia for maybe another month or so , but the babies will leave the orphanage in a few days . " With that she suddenly looked down at the ground , put her hands over her eyes , and then just left Eliana laying there , and left the room . She was crying . Then I started to cry . It was awful . This 20 year old girl has watched over our little ones for the last 6 months , day and night . She never stops playing with them . She loves them so much . And at this point , I 'm pretty sure they love her more than anyone else ( including wes and i ) . When she comes into the room , their eyes light up , and big smiles spread across their faces . In some ways , it is difficult to watch this on a daily basis . I want so badly to be the one that makes them light up . But at the same time I am so very grateful that they have been so cared for and loved throughout their time at the orphanage . I can almost feel the ache she must be feeling , knowing that soon these children will no longer be a part of her daily life . As soon as Desta walked back into the room ( after wiping away her tears ) , it was my turn to make an exit . Tears were coming fast and furiously . I walked out into the courtyard where Wes was sitting and chatting with another adoptive father ( and our new friend ! We love you Kevin and Christina ! ) . I sat down on the bench next to him , pulled my glasses off , and just started bawling . I told him what had happened , and how I didn 't know how I was going to be able to take Alex & Eliana away from the people who have loved them so much every day for first several months of their lives . It 's not that I don 't want to have them with me . I 'm so excited to have them with us 24 / 7 . It just hurts so much at the same time . Does that make sense ? We weren 't sitting far from the manager 's office , and all of a sudden I hear , " Nina ? Nina ? " He walked out and wanted to know why I was so upset . I think he was worried somebody had done something to me , or had upset me in some way . I explained to him why I was crying , and he immediately understood . He said that they loved the children so much , and that it was hard when they had to say goodbye . Yeah , I love this place . I love this journey . But no matter how many times I have seen the gotcha day videos , or read blogs about these kinds of experiences , there is nothing that can prepare you for the gamut of emotions you will feel once it is your turn to experience it . It is beautiful . It is hard . It is joyful . It is painful . But it is all so so worth it . p . s . Our case has been delayed once again . This time only four more days . It 's just how it goes here in Ethiopia sometimes . There 's no point in freaking out about it . If you do that , you 'll not only make yourself depressed , but you 'll make others depressed too . I definitely don 't want to do that . So with that said , we are doing really well , all things considered . All you can do is go with the flow , and than ask God what He wants to teach you in the meanwhile . There is so much to learn ! p . s . s . For those of you with children at our orphanage , you may have heard that they are closing this location soon . BUT … . . let me reiterate that this will NOT affect any adoptions . It is simply a budgetary thing , and has nothing to do with their license or anything else . All is well , and your babies are ALL well cared for . They will simply be in a new location close by . With all that said , and the main thing I ask prayer for is that the staff get to keep their jobs . The children are fine ! ☺ Yesterday we did our first bit of sight seeing . It wasn 't anything big , but it got us out of the city . We had one of our drivers , Surafel ( thank you , Sumer ! ) , take us up to Mount Entoto . It 's a quick drive just outside the city , and at the top you can see all of Addis Abeba . We got out at one point , and just took a few shots with the camera . As we were standing up there and soaking the view in , many people passed by . We saw groups of people training for long - distance running ( they must gain some super lung capacity here because of the high altitude ) . We had a couple of boys stop and talk to us who were carrying large bags on their heads . I asked one of the boys what it was for , and he said he was collecting kindling to sell down in the city . They were picking up dry leaves and little twigs . They looked to be anywhere from 10 - 13 years old . Apparently they walk all the way down the mountain to go sell those in the main city . We gave them a couple of granola bars , which they LOVED . We also saw the very common sight of women taking the long trek down the mountain carrying big heavy loads of mostly branches , also to sell in the city . You could tell it was a very heavy burden to bear . Apparently they make very little money from doing this . It 's quite sad actually . We gave several of them 10 birr , and they allowed us to take pictures . Aren 't they beautiful ? Oh how I wish that burden could be lifted from them ( in more ways than one ! ) . One of the boys collecting kindling . In the afternoon we headed over to see Alex & Elia a . As usual , they were sweet and content the entire ti e . They even had a little diaper - free time in their ro m . Let 's just say there was plenty of mopping done during that ti e . Just before we were about to leave , I was taking my usual couple of shots for the day when all of the nannies starting asking for pictures with our babi s . Every single one of them wanted pictures of themselves with Alex & Elia a . They were having a blast posing with th m . Just as I was wrapping up , and the twins had already been put back in their room , Desta , Alex & Eliana 's favorite nanny , motioned to me to come inside for a seco d . She was very excit d . When I walked in , both Alex and Eliana were sitting side by side in one crib , just quietly playing with their toys togeth r . It was SO swe t . You can tell Desta is madly in love with our babi s . I don 't even want to imagine the day we take them from the orphana e . It 's going to be Niagara Falls for many of I can 't believe it 's February now . In six days ( February 7th ) , we will find out if we pass court . Please be praying ! Once we pass we will be able to have Alex and Eliana with us 24 / 7 . AND we will debut their beautiful faces online for all to see ! I can 't wait ! As for Wes and I , we are doing great . Life doesn 't feel too different here . It 's just a little more difficult to get around since we don 't know all the best restaurants and hang - outs yet , and well … it is a slightly different culture . ☺ All in all , though , we can 't really complain . We have plenty of food to eat , we have a good bed to sleep in , and don 't really lack much . That 's not to say I don 't look forward to going home ( whenever that may be ) . I miss my friends , and I miss the comforts of my own culture and home . But I feel like God is just taking really good care of us . For that I am SO thankful . Tomorrow starts a one - week countdown to our court ruling , well to see if MOWA ( Ministry of Women 's Affairs ) has put positive comments on our case . We will have at least another 7 or 8 days of being 3 - hour parents . So I ask that our blogging community be in prayer for us as we Hold Fast to His promise this week . He has brought us here ; we are following the Our Shepherd as He orders our steps . Today we got the chance to bless a couple , Steve and Amanda Bishop , with taking video and photos of their Meetcha Day . It was a very rough start to our morning , as our driver was a bit late . Dinknesh , the Illien liaison , had told us it was better to be early and we ended up being 30 minutes late . But … everyone else was a little late . The meeting didn 't ' start till 10 : 00am and we all met up and were all right on schedule . Tsion orphanage has a lot of older kids and was located in a part of Addis that we had not been before . It may seem weird but it was much hotter there than on Bole or at our Enat Alem orphanage . When we arrived we were ushered in to the Director 's office , he wanted to make sure which family was meeting their children today … I guess our video camera and our Canon 5D camera were a bit confusing to him . After they sorted out the details that Amanda and Steve were the parents - to - be , we went to the front porch . They ushered all the children out on the porch and lined them up . Now , I am not a professional videographer but I was making do with our small Canon HD handheld . The problem was I didn 't know which of the children was supposed to be the Bishop additions . Then I see two children break away and hug Steve and Amanda and I got my shot . It was something great to see in person and I hope it translates to the HD recording . I have no doubt that Nina got great shots , shots that the Bishops will have to relive this day for many years to come . There is nothing that can take the place of images of meeting your children for the first time . We stayed with the Bishops for the next 3 hours to capture all that we could , so that no special moment would be forgotten . It was a 3 - hours flurry of gifts , IPhone home - movies , photo albums , and broken English and even more broken Amharic ( on our part , both the Bishops and the Mullins … we tried , as we got out our translation books and went to work . They loved us trying , and we got lots of laughs from the Children and Nannies ) . In a weird perchance , Steve actually got in to a conversation with one of the older boys who knew a little Spanish . An American from Utah , visiting Ethiopia , conversing in Spanish is just bizarre … but hey what ever works , right ? ! It was really cool just to see Steve and Amanda just loving on all the children , they seemed right at home . Steve had a group around him in a circle and Amanda had a circle around her . We were so happy just to be a part of it . We ended the day in the courtyard kicking around a soccer ball ; it was a nice way to wrap up our time . Oh , and I showed one of the older boys how to dribble a soccer ball like a basketball … I turn every ball into a basketball , it is the greatest sport ever invented ! Then we had lunch at Lime Tree , which is an awesome place to get good Pizza and a Good Cheeseburger . Also they give part of their earnings to help feed children , so it is a good meal and a good cause ! After that we went to see our little ones at Enat Alem . It was weird seeing them so late in the day , at 3 : 00pm instead of 10 : 00am . Alex and Eliana were a little crunchy ( your welcome Brandon and Lisa ) today . They were so tired and so fussy . After a few minutes Desta , one of Alex and Eliana 's favorite Nannies , fixed some Rice Cereal . Alex flat tore it up . I mean I was shoveling it in and he was slurping it down . It probably took about 3 minutes for him to eat his portion . Then Desta took some of Eliana 's ( she is having trouble eating it , she needs really small bites ) and after that fixed him some more . It was like the Rice Cereal Monster . But we have BREAKING NEWS ! ! Alex is getting his two top teeth … and Eliana is getting her FIRST ! ! ! So the Crunchy - ness and fussing was probably due to teething . The other News is that Both Alex and Eliana had really bad Duces today ! That is they went number 2 , well it was more like 1 ¾ ! It was so funny ! ! Eliana was sleeping and we had laid Alex down to try and get him to shut his eyes , so we gave him a bottle . Then I hear the " Glurrr , spurrrrrtt , Glurrrr , ppbblt … " and it went one for a while . It was a guaranteed gross - out diaper change . Then as if in harmony Eliana wakes up and I hear the same noises coming from her bed . Alex was pretty bad , but Eliana was down right epic ! ! ! It was so bad she needed a bath ! ! Ahh , sharing poop stories over the Internet ; I really feel like a true parent . We ended that night with some Ramen Noodle and Pepsi ! And yes I did eat another Snicker 's bar … what am I supposed to do ? They are sitting right on the shelf in plain sight . I would like for everyone to know that I did last almost 2 weeks before I ate the first one . Tomorrow we are going hiking and then in the afternoon , going to punch the clock at Enat Alem , for our 3 - hour shift . One more week ! ONE MORE WEEK ! Apparently , some puppy pets do exist ! This one was at the orphanage . Although this cute pup 's poor mother was left chained up , growling at passers - by . This boy and his brother really wanted us to come back the next day ( they are so sweet ! And they need a family ! ) . They loved playing ball with Wes . Most Ethiopians aren 't too familiar with basketball . Wes will use any kind of ball to teach the game . : ) We are photographers in Lexington , KY . Together we run our photography business out of our home . We love it ! We have twins ( a boy and a girl ! ) who were born in Ethiopia ! View my complete profile * Read the beginning of our adoption story . * And here is where our Nepal adoption began . * And here you can read about our switch from Nepal to Ethiopia . * And finally , read about our referral day ! |
> Loneliness Loneliness HE WAS THE son of Mrs . Al Robinson who once owned a farm on a side road leading off Trunion Pike , east of Winesburg and two miles beyond the town limits . The farmhouse was painted brown and the blinds to all of the windows facing the road were kept closed . In the road before the house a flock of chickens , accompanied by two guinea hens , lay in the deep dust . Enoch lived in the house with his mother in those days and when he was a young boy went to school at the Winesburg High School . Old citizens remembered him as a quiet , smiling youth inclined to silence . He walked in the middle of the road when he came into town and sometimes read a book . Drivers of teams had to shout and swear to make him realize where he was so that he would turn out of the beaten track and let them pass . When he was twenty - one years old Enoch went to New York City and was a city man for fifteen years . He studied French and went to an art school , hoping to develop a faculty he had for drawing . In his own mind he planned to go to Paris and to finish his art education among the masters there , but that never turned out . Nothing ever turned out for Enoch Robinson . He could draw well enough and he had many odd deli - cate thoughts hidden away in his brain that might have expressed themselves through the brush of a painter , but he was always a child and that was a handicap to his worldly development . He never grew up and of course he couldn 't understand peo - ple and he couldn 't make people understand him . The child in him kept bumping against things , against actualities like money and sex and opinions . Once he was hit by a street car and thrown against an iron post . That made him lame . It was one of the many things that kept things from turning out for Enoch Robinson In New York City , when he first went there to live and before he became confused and disconcerted by the facts of life , Enoch went about a good deal with young men . He got into a group of other young artists , both men and women , and in the evenings they sometimes came to visit him in his room . Once he got drunk and was taken to a police station where a police magistrate frightened him horribly , and once he tried to have an affair with a woman of the town met on the sidewalk before his lodging house . The woman and Enoch walked together three blocks and then the young man grew afraid and ran away . The woman had been drinking and the incident amused her . She leaned against the wall of a building and laughed so heartily that another man stopped and laughed with her . The two went away together , still laughing , and Enoch crept off to his room trembling and vexed . The room in which young Robinson lived in New York faced Washington Square and was long and narrow like a hallway . It is important to get that fixed in your mind . The story of Enoch is in fact the story of a room almost more than it is the story of a man . And so into the room in the evening came young Enoch 's friends . There was nothing particularly striking about them except that they were artists of the kind that talk . Everyone knows of the talking artists . Throughout all of the known history of the world they have gathered in rooms and talked . They talk of art and are passionately , almost feverishly , in earnest about it . They think it matters much more than it does . And so these people gathered and smoked ciga - rettes and talked and Enoch Robinson , the boy from the farm near Winesburg , was there . He stayed in a corner and for the most part said nothing . How his big blue childlike eyes stared about ! On the walls were pictures he had made , crude things , half fin - ished . His friends talked of these . Leaning back in their chairs , they talked and talked with their heads rocking from side to side . Words were said about line and values and composition , lots of words , such as are always being said . Enoch wanted to talk too but he didn 't know how . He was too excited to talk coherently . When he tried he sputtered and stammered and his voice sounded strange and squeaky to him . That made him stop talking . He knew what he wanted to say , but he knew also that he could never by any possibility say it . When a picture he had painted was under discussion , he wanted to burst out with something like this : " You don 't get the point , " he wanted to explain ; " the picture you see doesn 't consist of the things you see and say words about . There is some - thing else , something you don 't see at all , something you aren 't intended to see . Look at this one over here , by the door here , where the light from the window falls on it . The dark spot by the road that you might not notice at all is , you see , the beginning of everything . There is a clump of elders there such as used to grow beside the road before our house back in Winesburg , Ohio , and in among the elders there is something hidden . It is a woman , that 's what it is . She has been thrown from a horse and the horse has run away out of sight . Do you not see how the old man who drives a cart looks anxiously about ? That is Thad Grayback who has a farm up the road . He is taking corn to Winesburg to be ground into meal at Comstock 's mill . He knows there is something in the elders , something hidden away , and yet he doesn 't quite know . " It 's a woman you see , that 's what it is ! It 's a woman and , oh , she is lovely ! She is hurt and is suffering but she makes no sound . Don 't you see how it is ? She lies quite still , white and still , and the beauty comes out from her and spreads over everything . It is in the sky back there and all around everywhere . I didn 't try to paint the woman , of course . She is too beautiful to be painted . How dull to talk of composition and such things ! Why do you not look at the sky and then run away as I used to do when I was a boy back there in Winesburg , Ohio ? " That is the kind of thing young Enoch Robinson trembled to say to the guests who came into his room when he was a young fellow in New York City , but he always ended by saying nothing . Then he began to doubt his own mind . He was afraid the things he felt were not getting expressed in the pictures he painted . In a half indignant mood he stopped inviting people into his room and presently got into the habit of locking the door . He began to think that enough people had visited him , that he did not need people any more . With quick imagina - tion he began to invent his own people to whom he could really talk and to whom he explained the things he had been unable to explain to living peo - ple . His room began to be inhabited by the spirits of men and women among whom he went , in his turn saying words . It was as though everyone Enoch Robinson had ever seen had left with him some es - sence of himself , something he could mould and change to suit his own fancy , something that under - stood all about such things as the wounded woman behind the elders in the pictures . The mild , blue - eyed young Ohio boy was a com - plete egotist , as all children are egotists . He did not want friends for the quite simple reason that no child wants friends . He wanted most of all the peo - ple of his own mind , people with whom he could really talk , people he could harangue and scold by the hour , servants , you see , to his fancy . Among these people he was always self - confident and bold . They might talk , to be sure , and even have opinions of their own , but always he talked last and best . He was like a writer busy among the figures of his brain , a kind of tiny blue - eyed king he was , in a six - dollar room facing Washington Square in the city of New York . Then Enoch Robinson got married . He began to get lonely and to want to touch actual flesh - and - bone people with his hands . Days passed when his room seemed empty . Lust visited his body and de - sire grew in his mind . At night strange fevers , burn - ing within , kept him awake . He married a girl who sat in a chair next to his own in the art school and went to live in an apartment house in Brooklyn . Two children were born to the woman he married , and Enoch got a job in a place where illustrations are made for advertisements . That began another phase of Enoch 's life . He began to play at a new game . For a while he was very proud of himself in the role of producing citi - zen of the world . He dismissed the essence of things and played with realities . In the fall he voted at an election and he had a newspaper thrown on his porch each morning . When in the evening he came home from work he got off a streetcar and walked sedately along behind some business man , striving to look very substantial and important . As a payer of taxes he thought he should post himself on how things are run . " I 'm getting to be of some moment , a real part of things , of the state and the city and all that , " he told himself with an amusing miniature air of dignity . Once , coming home from Philadel - phia , he had a discussion with a man met on a train . Enoch talked about the advisability of the govern - ment 's owning and operating the railroads and the man gave him a cigar . It was Enoch 's notion that such a move on the part of the government would be a good thing , and he grew quite excited as he talked . Later he remembered his own words with pleasure . " I gave him something to think about , that fellow , " he muttered to himself as he climbed the stairs to his Brooklyn apartment . To be sure , Enoch 's marriage did not turn out . He himself brought it to an end . He began to feel choked and walled in by the life in the apartment , and to feel toward his wife and even toward his children as he had felt concerning the friends who once came to visit him . He began to tell little lies about business engagements that would give him freedom to walk alone in the street at night and , the chance offering , he secretly re - rented the room fac - ing Washington Square . Then Mrs . Al Robinson died on the farm near Winesburg , and he got eight thousand dollars from the bank that acted as trustee of her estate . That took Enoch out of the world of men altogether . He gave the money to his wife and told her he could not live in the apartment any more . She cried and was angry and threatened , but he only stared at her and went his own way . In reality the wife did not care much . She thought Enoch slightly insane and was a little afraid of him . When it was quite sure that he would never come back , she took the two children and went to a village in Connecticut where she had lived as a girl . In the end she married a man who bought and sold real estate and was contented enough . And so Enoch Robinson stayed in the New York room among the people of his fancy , playing with them , talking to them , happy as a child is happy . They were an odd lot , Enoch 's people . They were made , I suppose , out of real people he had seen and who had for some obscure reason made an appeal to him . There was a woman with a sword in her hand , an old man with a long white beard who went about followed by a dog , a young girl whose stock - ings were always coming down and hanging over her shoe tops . There must have been two dozen of the shadow people , invented by the child - mind of Enoch Robinson , who lived in the room with him . And Enoch was happy . Into the room he went and locked the door . With an absurd air of impor - tance he talked aloud , giving instructions , making comments on life . He was happy and satisfied to go on making his living in the advertising place until something happened . Of course something did hap - pen . That is why he went back to live in Winesburg and why we know about him . The thing that hap - pened was a woman . It would be that way . He was too happy . Something had to come into his world . Something had to drive him out of the New York room to live out his life an obscure , jerky little fig - ure , bobbing up and down on the streets of an Ohio town at evening when the sun was going down be - hind the roof of Wesley Moyer 's livery barn . About the thing that happened . Enoch told George Willard about it one night . He wanted to talk to someone , and he chose the young newspaper re - porter because the two happened to be thrown to - gether at a time when the younger man was in a mood to understand . It rained on the evening when the two met and talked , a drizzly wet October rain . The fruition of the year had come and the night should have been fine with a moon in the sky and the crisp sharp promise of frost in the air , but it wasn 't that way . It rained and little puddles of water shone under the street lamps on Main Street . In the woods in the darkness beyond the Fair Ground water dripped from the black trees . Beneath the trees wet leaves were pasted against tree roots that protruded from the ground . In gardens back of houses in Winesburg dry shriveled potato vines lay sprawling on the ground . Men who had finished the evening meal and who had planned to go uptown to talk the eve - ning away with other men at the back of some store changed their minds . George Willard tramped about in the rain and was glad that it rained . He felt that way . He was like Enoch Robinson on the evenings when the old man came down out of his room and wandered alone in the streets . He was like that only that George Willard had become a tall young man and did not think it manly to weep and carry on . For a month his mother had been very ill and that had something to do with his sadness , but not much . He thought about himself and to the young that always brings sadness . Enoch Robinson and George Willard met beneath a wooden awning that extended out over the side - walk before Voight 's wagon shop on Maumee Street just off the main street of Winesburg . They went together from there through the rain - washed streets to the older man 's room on the third floor of the Heffner Block . The young reporter went willingly enough . Enoch Robinson asked him to go after the two had talked for ten minutes . The boy was a little afraid but had never been more curious in his life . A hundred times he had heard the old man spoken of as a little off his head and he thought himself rather brave and manly to go at all . From the very beginning , in the street in the rain , the old man talked in a queer way , trying to tell the story of the room in Washington Square and of his life in the room . " You 'll understand if you try hard enough , " he said conclusively . " I have looked at you when you went past me on the street and I think you can understand . It isn 't hard . All you have to do is to believe what I say , just listen and believe , that 's all there is to it . " It was past eleven o ' clock that evening when old Enoch , talking to George Willard in the room in the Heffner Block , came to the vital thing , the story of the woman and of what drove him out of the city to live out his life alone and defeated in Winesburg . He sat on a cot by the window with his head in his hand and George Willard was in a chair by a table . A kerosene lamp sat on the table and the room , although almost bare of furniture , was scrupulously clean . As the man talked George Willard began to feel that he would like to get out of the chair and sit on the cot also . He wanted to put his arms about the little old man . In the half darkness the man talked and the boy listened , filled with sadness . " She got to coming in there after there hadn 't been anyone in the room for years , " said Enoch Robinson . " She saw me in the hallway of the house and we got acquainted . I don 't know just what she did in her own room . I never went there . I think she was a musician and played a violin . Every now and then she came and knocked at the door and I opened it . In she came and sat down beside me , just sat and looked about and said nothing . Anyway , she said nothing that mattered . " The old man arose from the cot and moved about the room . The overcoat he wore was wet from the rain and drops of water kept falling with a soft thump on the floor . When he again sat upon the cot George Willard got out of the chair and sat beside him . " I had a feeling about her . She sat there in the room with me and she was too big for the room . I felt that she was driving everything else away . We just talked of little things , but I couldn 't sit still . I wanted to touch her with my fingers and to kiss her . Her hands were so strong and her face was so good and she looked at me all the time . " The trembling voice of the old man became silent and his body shook as from a chill . " I was afraid , " he whispered . " I was terribly afraid . I didn 't want to let her come in when she knocked at the door but I couldn 't sit still . ' No , no , ' I said to myself , but I got up and opened the door just the same . She was so grown up , you see . She was a woman . I thought she would be bigger than I was there in that room . " Enoch Robinson stared at George Willard , his childlike blue eyes shining in the lamplight . Again he shivered . " I wanted her and all the time I didn 't want her , " he explained . " Then I began to tell her about my people , about everything that meant any - thing to me . I tried to keep quiet , to keep myself to myself , but I couldn 't . I felt just as I did about open - ing the door . Sometimes I ached to have her go away and never come back any more . " The old man sprang to his feet and his voice shook with excitement . " One night something hap - pened . I became mad to make her understand me and to know what a big thing I was in that room . I wanted her to see how important I was . I told her over and over . When she tried to go away , I ran and locked the door . I followed her about . I talked and talked and then all of a sudden things went to smash . A look came into her eyes and I knew she did understand . Maybe she had understood all the time . I was furious . I couldn 't stand it . I wanted her to understand but , don 't you see , I couldn 't let her understand . I felt that then she would know every - thing , that I would be submerged , drowned out , you see . That 's how it is . I don 't know why . " The old man dropped into a chair by the lamp and the boy listened , filled with awe . " Go away , boy , " said the man . " Don 't stay here with me any more . I thought it might be a good thing to tell you but it isn 't . I don 't want to talk any more . Go away . " George Willard shook his head and a note of com - mand came into his voice . " Don 't stop now . Tell me the rest of it , " he commanded sharply . " What happened ? Tell me the rest of the story . " Enoch Robinson sprang to his feet and ran to the window that looked down into the deserted main street of Winesburg . George Willard followed . By the window the two stood , the tall awkward boy - man and the little wrinkled man - boy . The childish , eager voice carried forward the tale . " I swore at her , " he explained . " I said vile words . I ordered her to go away and not to come back . Oh , I said terrible things . At first she pretended not to understand but I kept at it . I screamed and stamped on the floor . I made the house ring with my curses . I didn 't want ever to see her again and I knew , after some of the things I said , that I never would see her again . " The old man 's voice broke and he shook his head . " Things went to smash , " he said quietly and sadly . " Out she went through the door and all the life there had been in the room followed her out . She took all of my people away . They all went out through the door after her . That 's the way it was . " George Willard turned and went out of Enoch Robinson 's room . In the darkness by the window , as he went through the door , he could hear the thin old voice whimpering and complaining . " I 'm alone , all alone here , " said the voice . " It was warm and friendly in my room but now I 'm all alone . " |
The bartender hesitated a few moments , the key still in his tightly - clenched fist . He looked around the place that had been his home for the past year , and wondered if it had all been a dream . He decided , like Alice , that it had been real enough to him , and that was all that mattered . He then looked in the small mirror he held in his other hand , and he knew the face that looked back at him . He wondered where the stranger that had been there a year ago had gone to . It took him a minute to realize that the face was the same ; he simply hadn 't recognized it then . The bartender kicked the jukebox one more time , looked at the key in his now open palm , and smiled as he handed it to the barmaid . As he walked through the door into the bright sunshine , he took off the mask and turned off the light that he no longer needed . 12 I was nervous , as one might be before a first date . That it was my first first date in almost 20 years probably added to the nervousness . When she finally appeared and we shared the perfunctory hug , I was still nervous . As we walked to the car , I was still nervous . As I gave her the three different coloured roses and explained the meaning of each , I was a bit less nervous . On our second date , she told me that she always knew on the first date whether it was " yes " or " no " , but with me , she hadn 't . I asked her how it had worked out with those who had been a " yes " . We were on a date , so the question was somewhat rhetorical . By the end of our second date , she still didn 't know about me . I took that as a good thing , because I wanted to . Our third date did not go exactly as planned . We were " asked " to sit with the rabble , the squirrels went hungry , I had to call for a boost , and she defied a personal tradition . It must have answered the question for her , because we never had a fourth date ; spending the weekend together with our kids was not considered a date . I was nervous about that , too . Very nervous , for various reasons . I needn 't have been , for any of them . All in all , it was the best fourth date ever . I spent almost a year wandering around a strange town , more than a little inspired by a modern fairy tale there , fully expecting to find my treasure among the pyramids . Once or twice , I thought I might could have , and even threw caution to the wind , but no . What I did find was the path to somewhere I had not been for a very long time - my self . Only after I discovered the treasure that had been sleeping there could I follow the signs to the one waiting under the blue sycamore tree . First I had to be alone so that I could learn how to not be lonely . Then I had to be lonely so that I could want to not be alone . Now I don 't have to be either . There is a strange town , just over yonder . The boy looked back at it , wondering if this time he was really leaving . He thought back to all the times he said he was , and he knew he wasn 't . It was so much a part of him now that even if he did leave , it would always be with him . But he also knew that his lodging there had come to an end - his time there would now be as a visitor , not a sojourner . He had arrived there broken and tattered two lifetimes ago , seeking shelter and escape from the storm that had been his sorry existence . He thought of all the wonderful people he had encountered there , all the glorious adventures they had shared , all the stories not yet written . And he thought of the girl whose eyes had kept him there in the first place , when he had meant to be on his way to somewhere else . Eyes he had never even seen , but that had called to him just as powerfully as if he had ; this was something he never quite understood . Although the girl had been out of his reach even before he arrived , she had shown him that there were still things worth reaching for . In that , she had saved his life without knowing it , or perhaps she did ; either way , he could never put into words what she had done for him , nor properly express the gratitude he would always feel . He gave up trying to explain it to others long ago ; his friends just figured he wasn 't the type to hold a grudge . And then there was the lad , who he had first thought of as an arrogant little twerp . Or maybe that was him , he didn 't remember anymore . Despite what he had said , what he really didn 't like about the lad was his ability to tell him about himself - to see through the mask that had hidden him from the others . It was only when he saw what the lad had seen that he grew to appreciate the favour . He thought of some of the folks who had made his stay enjoyable . The clown whose dry wit had caused him extra laundry more than once , the awesome chick who reminded him of his own sister , the manly dude who he still intended to meet at the burger place , the faithful skipper who had stood by his side through the fiercest storms , the one there from the start whose dedication to his children had inspired him to be a better father to his own , the young romantic who he hoped had come to see the love in the eyes of her Romeo , the girl and her dog with whom he shared many a breakfast , the math nerd whose images captivated him and who was surely one of the two smartest people there , the science nerd who was nothing like the science nerds he knew at that age and who was surely the other one of the two , the widow whose poetry had so moved him for a moment until the phone rang , the young mother whose fortitude had inspired him to face his own challenges , the schoolboy who was mature beyond his years and quick as a whip with the binoculars , the schoolgirl who took such beautiful pictures , the prophet who was always sure to hide a pearl in every bucket of rocks , the classy schoolteacher with whom he had gone as far as propriety would allow , the bar wench who had seemed much younger than her age , the future historian who had been the first to honour his presence there , the novelist who had become a welcome regular at his favourite watering hole , the preacher whose droning served as the backdrop for many a night by the campfire , the crazy cat lady whose tales of sales had made him laugh so hard , the boy who was really a girl who he hoped was okay , the little lady who mistook him for a wise man ( which he quite enjoyed ) , the young couple who reminded him of another young couple so long ago , the asshole who had taught him that questions are not answered simply by asking them , the lady whose colourful balloons brought many smiles and the occasional sly grin to his face , the dragon master who helped him out of many a tight spot , theAs he started out on the path before him , he looked back one more time , and thought again of the eyes that had drawn him there , the ones he had never seen - the weird mention of which had opened his own eyes to the real ones beckoning him now , as if they had been meant as a sign waiting to show him the way . And at last , he understood . After she moved in , we fell in love , and were going to live happily ever after . Like everything we did , starting with that first night in the van , we did it hard and fast . When it was over , I sometimes wondered if it was just me , but when I heard , years later , that we had been engaged , I figured it must have been her too . Honesty , however , was not our strong point . Throughout the three years of our on - again - off - again - mostly - in - and - out romance , we both fucked around . A lot . I suppose it is poetic justice that I didn 't know how much she did until much later . She never knew I did , except for the one time I told her about . Her freakout over that ended with a visit to a hospital , where they gave her " vitamins " that was really Valium . She didn 't react well to Valium , and I never fessed up again . Then there was the abortion I paid for , not knowing , also until much later , that it had been paid for three times over ; at least I was the one who took her . And my VCR and ghetto blaster that I had to buy back from her dealer . I never did get my great - grandfather 's watch back - I hope whoever took it for a kite of snow came down with a bad case of dysentery . The winner was when she went to a private rehab in another city , at great expense to me . When I made the long drive to visit a few weeks later , I found her waiting in front of the main entrance with her suitcase . She had been kicked out for going to a motel with one of the male inmates during an unsupervised sortie . Ever the dreamer , I went to plead her case with the powers that be , to no avail , only to find that she was no longer waiting in the car when I came out . After two days of searching , I headed home . That night , the phone rang around midnight - I had to go rescue her right away . I borrowed a fuzzbuster and made the 500 - km drive in three hours flat . After a weekend of sex and drugs and rock ' n ' roll in the country , I got her into another rehab , this one a freebie . A week there and she disappeared with motel guy , who , coincidentally , was also there . They made their way back and spent two weeks living in a tent on my future wife 's rooftop , another fact I learned much later . Long story short , it didn 't work out . There was something about us that should have worked , a connection that went beyond all the bullshit we went through . There were moments when love could not possibly have been more pure , but history and psychology and addiction prevented those from being anything but few and far between in this lifetime . Even after she moved out for the last time , and was living with her new boyfriend , I still hoped that God would answer my prayers and make everything the way it was supposed to be . The way it should have been . But when prayers are answered , it is often not in the way we expect . The day I finally knew it was over was the day I hit it off with the future mother of my beautiful daughters . A mutual friend was getting married , and she asked me if I could give " D " ( one of her friends , whose words earlier in 1991 I still recalled ) a lift . Geography led me to pick D up first ; I helped her get dressed , and played KerPlunk with her daughter while she applied the finishing touches to make herself even prettier than she already was . I was seated with her , D , and a few of their friends . She got royally plastered and started hitting on the old men . At least one got an impromptu lap dance . At one point the mother of the groom , whom I had never met , came up to me and asked , in her heavy east European accent , " You are - - ? " I said I was . " Carol is yours ? " The last time I saw her was on my 30th birthday , in passing . I later heard that she moved out to the west coast , where she was never heard from again . D thinks that she ended up on Pickton 's farm . She 's not on any of the lists , but nobody will ever know how many aren 't . I prefer to think that she finally cast out her demons and is living happily ever after somewhere . He thought back to that first blue tree . The one that had sprung up , seemingly out of nowhere - he is still not quite sure who planted it . It was just there , and he was happy to make himself comfortable beneath it . He had liked that tree , had quite enjoyed sitting beneath its branches on a quiet spring afternoon , the shade it provided still allowing the warmth of the sun to envelop him . He remembered the day he cut it down . It had pained him to do so , but he knew he had no choice . The fruit had gone sour , perhaps because he had watered it too much . He placed a flower where it had stood , to remind him of that spring afternoon . As if he could forget . After that , it was a long time before he sat under another blue tree . He was careful not to plant any unintentionally , but one would pop up from time to time . These were more like bushes - there was hardly any room to sit under them , and they would never last very long . He never seemed to miss these very much when they were gone . In the autumn , as the leaves fell and the sky grew cold , he planted a new tree . For a little while , he spent much time under it , sometimes with a bottle of red , often sitting there into the wee hours of the night . At times it was bright and full of foliage , bringing much joy and laughter , and at others it drooped sadly , seeming to need his tender skills as a gardener . He began to think that this tree might someday bear sweet fruit , that he might someday climb its trunk and perch in its branches . But it was not to be . One day in early winter , a cold wind blew over from the remnants of that very first blue tree , and seemed to leave a stain on its branches . Leaves grew over the stain to hide it , but he knew it was there . The few times he sat under the tree after that , it was never quite the same as it had been . The tree still stands , but he no longer wonders when he will sit under it again . There were other blue trees that appeared in the grove that winter . One gave him some moments of mirth and merriment , which he enjoyed while knowing that it was simply a nice spot to pass the time . Another was one he had visited briefly in his earlier days , and his visits now were just as brief , although quite pleasant . One blue tree in particular gave him a place to ponder and reflect , and he gained much insight while sitting under it . He felt a special connection to this tree ; not a chemistry like that he had felt with the autumn tree , but more of an alchemistry , something that grew from the depths of understanding . He had a sense that this tree might remain a welcome part of the grove for a long time to come . One day , he happened across an Old Friend , and they got to talking about trees and other things . The friend claimed to have some magical seeds , of which he was quite skeptical . The two agreed to test the seeds , just to see what might come of it . They scattered the seeds in a different grove than the one he was familiar with , and they watched to see if something might grow whose fruit they could share . It did not , and he somehow knew that they were not to sit under a blue tree together . Some bushes had sprung up among many weeds , and just as he was on his way to clearing the grove of these , something caught his eyes . It was a sapling , a tiny blue tree barely poking out of the snow , but something strangely familiar about it told him he ought to water it . There must have been magic in that water , because that little sapling started to grow , faster and stronger than anything he had seen before . There were times he would stand back in awe of its growth . He spent every possible moment under it , basking in its radiance ; the more he basked , the brighter the tree radiated . When he was away from the tree , he found himself tending to his affairs more diligently than he had been doing , as though he wanted no pressing concerns to interfere with his time under the tree . Music was played in the tree , and soon after , there were voices - something that had never before come forth from a tree for him . It was the second time he heard those voices that somehow , he knew . It was time . Time for him to reach for the fruit of a blue tree while standing on solid ground . Time to come out of the blue , and into the here and now . His world was about to change forever , he hoped with all his heart . So after breakfast at the diner , I drove her to where she was staying at the time . No plans were made to see each other again , no phone numbers were exchanged . That , it seemed , was the end of that . The following weekend , I got stood up for a romantic adventure , but that story has already been told . . . The Friday after that , I was in her area , and on a whim , stopped by where I had dropped her off . Nobody was home , so I left a note on the door with my phone number . By the time I got home an hour later , she had left a message . I called back , she asked what I was doing . I said I was getting ready to leave for a weekend in the country . I don 't remember if I invited or she asked , but another hour later , I was back at her door to pick her up . The next two days were a blur . There was some vodka left over from my catharsis of the previous weekend , she brought some hash , I brought some grass , and we picked up some beer and wine . I know we did a lot of something other than get drunk and high , but the details are not as clear as those of the night in the van . The bartender polished the last of the glasses and slid it into the rack . The jukebox was playing James Carr , which seemed to please the young lady who had asked him to give it a kick . He didn 't remember her having been to the bar before , but he did recognize her from a poetry competition he had attended in town earlier . She sat in relative silence , occasionally getting up to pick a tune , then returning to her seat in the shadows . A few of the regulars dropped in and out for some banter and music , and the bartender filled the intervening silence with his own picks . Some of them brought a smile to her face , others seemed to evoke a bittersweet tear . When she asked him how he picked the perfect song for every moment , he said it was just luck of the draw . She came in almost every night after that , always sitting at the same table . One of those evenings , a stranger who would not remain one wandered in and pulled up a seat beside the juke . As they took turns dropping the quarters , the bartender appreciated the newcomer 's own luck of the draw . The young lady enjoyed the attention from these duelling d . j . s , and the three of them had a most pleasant time together . One evening when they seemed to be alone there , the bartender noticed that she looked particularly sad , and ventured to ask what was on her mind . She told him of her lover , and how she sometimes doubted his love for her . She showed the bartender a picture of him , one that she kept posted on her bulletin board , and the bartender asked if she had taken the picture . She had . The bartender pointed at how her lover was looking at the camera she had been holding - how he was looking at her - and said she had no need to doubt this man 's love for her . Perhaps , the bartender thought aloud , he was not as skilled at romance as she would sometimes like , but she should not confuse that with any lack of love . He was young , he would learn . They talked long into the night , and said their goodbyes as the sun came up . After that , she dropped in less often , and the bartender hoped this was because she was spending the time with her lover . Her visits became more infrequent , and eventually , she stopped coming by at all . I could hardly believe my luck . It was a long shot , but what else did I have to do at two in the morning ? It must have been the largest block in the city , what with the colleges and the hospital and the pharmacy that used to be a museum , further complicated by the maze of one - way streets . Yet there she was , her thumb still out , right where I had passed her the first time around , when the bus had prevented me from pulling over . I knew she wasn 't a hooker - it was the wrong place , and she wasn 't dressed for it . Had I thought she was , I would have saved myself the trip around the block . She was going my way , and asked if I wanted to party . How could I not ? She wanted to stop at the friend 's she had been on her way to see , to pick up some hash and some beer . I was fine with that . Our route took us down my street , so we ditched the Civic and continued in my extended length 1975 Dodge Tradesman , red inside and out , wall - to - wall and floor - to - ceiling carpeting , captain 's seats , and a double bed , complete with privacy curtains . You couldn 't ask for a better van to deliver garbage bags with . My grandmother / business partner had called it a whorehouse on wheels , but that 's another story . As her directions brought us to her friend 's apartment building , I realized why she looked familiar . " Hey , is your friend Gerry ? " " Yeah , " she said , " you 're the guy who gave him the couch , aren 't you ? " Small world . I hadn 't recognized her at first without the page - boy haircut and bobby - socks . The janitor 's niece had mentioned that Gerry 's friend thought I was cute , but she had been a little too excited about the couch , and I had thought I wasn 't ready for another crazy chick just yet . Silly me . She got some hash and half a two - four , and we headed off into the night . We ended up in the parking lot of a large urban park . She rolled a joint , and we smoked it as we cracked our first beers over small talk , our captain 's seats turned to face each other . I appreciated that the designers had thought to put the engine cover that served as a cup and snack holder far enough ahead of the seats so as not to intrude . The small talk turned into a small kiss , which turned into a big kiss , which became quite passionate , which led to me picking her up and carrying her to the bed in the back , the kiss uninterrupted . I forgot all about the privacy curtains . Perhaps envious of our lips and tongues , our hands decided to get in on the action , which must have upset our clothes , because they left us rather hurriedly . Our kiss was interrupted only long enough for her to push me onto my back rather vigorously , but not nearly as vigorously as what came next . I wondered at one point if she thought I was a mechanical bull , but that thought was interrupted by wondering if my lip might be bleeding . I had never been with a biter before , and until then didn 't know that I had wanted to be . I also found out that it hurts when it bends , but it 's a good hurt . Some time and another joint and a couple of beers later , it was her turn to face the ceiling . What seemed like a blissful eternity later , I had just enough energy left to rip the open curtain from its track and throw it over us as a blanket before we passed out . At some point , I had a strange sensation of the presence of light , opened my eyes to see the flashlight shining through the windshield , and remained still until it went away . As I watched the car drive off from the back window , I wondered why some people thought all cops were assholes , and fell back asleep . Over breakfast at a nearby diner in the morning , she told me that we would probably never see each other again . I asked why not , and she said , " That 's just the way these things usually go . " I said that if we wanted to see each other again , we would . I probably should have gone with what she said . He had done well in the playground . Afraid of it for the longest time , one day he mustered up his courage , left the classrooms , and ventured cautiously outside . He had a rough time of it at first , trying ( rather awkwardly ) to play with the big kids , and getting into his share of scraps before finding his place there . One of those scraps had been particularly brutal at the time . He knew that it was at least partially his fault , but he thought that the beating was a bit too much - he came close to dropping out of school altogether because of it . Instead , he stuck it out and licked his wounds , and came to realize that what doesn 't kill you really does make you stronger . After that , he had a lot of fun in the schoolyard , and became one of the big kids himself . He often marvelled at how much he had learned there , and how well much of it served him at home . He made some friends , passing notes away from the other kids , and sometimes even hopped the fence with them to sit and chat under the blue spruce tree that stood in front of the schoolhouse itself . Not so very long after that , he was sitting under the blue spruce when he noticed a ruckus in the playground . He headed back across the fence to find that some kid just passing through had dug up an old spool with footage of a particular scene from that earlier fight , and some of the newer kids had gathered round to watch . One even made a valiant effort to defend him , thinking perhaps that the fight was ongoing . He took the opportunity not only to point out that the brawl was long over , but also to finally thank his former nemeses for the lessons it had taught him and the strength that it had given him . Just as one of the other big kids mentioned that all 's well that ends well , he noticed that the part of the blue spruce that he had been sitting under lately had seemed to wilt a bit , perhaps from the stale air that had escaped the tin that held the spool . He did his best to clear the air , but worried that the damage might already have been done . He looked at the schoolhouse and realized that he missed its classrooms , missed the tutoring he used to do there , even missed the notion that he might one day be a teacher . He sat quietly in the corner of the playground for a little while , then got up and walked into the building . He did his best to help some kids with their questions - he was more than a bit rusty , and hoped his answers would be helpful . After a bit of this , he went to get some air on the front steps . He looked over at the tree and saw that his worry had been misplaced - it seemed different somehow , but was fine . He saw that the part that he had thought was wilting had simply spread its branches in the opposite direction , away from the playground . After I left that morning , it wasn 't the same between us . We may have both realized that we might not show such restraint the next time , so we avoided a next time . Not because we didn 't want there to be , but because it would have been wrong . At least that 's what I led myself to believe . As it was a trial separation , it was my understanding that our marriage vows were still in play , although I probably should have confirmed that my wife had the same understanding . But that 's another story . For me , a physical relationship with someone else was simply out of the question . The only thing that stood between us , it seemed , was my marriage . As a real friend , she encouraged me to work things out with my wife , which I did at the time . When I reconciled , I ended almost all contact with her , not because it was demanded of me but because I knew I had to if my marriage was to survive . I would regret that now , except that I can walk away from my marriage knowing that she had nothing to do with its failure . We never had sex , never even touched , other than that one time on the subway . So why do I think that I may have had an affair ? Having heard much of other people 's affairs , I have come to realize that the only real difference between us and them was the absence of physical intimacy . We even said that we loved each other , although not with any romantic connotation , and we made sure that it sounded to be in jest . We did not give each other our bodies , but we gave each other every other part of ourselves that lovers do , even as we never thought of ourselves as lovers . We shared our minds , our hearts , even our souls . We " what iffed " about what might have happened under different circumstances . In every way other than sexual , it was very much like an affair . In Jimmy Carter 's conception of things , I committed adultery in my heart . The real reason was my lifelong companion , fear . I was afraid of rejection , despite having already admitted our mutual attraction . Because I am an equal opportunity coward , I was afraid of the intimacy , emotional as well as physical , that it might have led to had I not been rejected . I was afraid that I wouldn 't live up to her expectations , or she to mine . I was afraid that it might not be perfect , or forever . In short , I was afraid of all the usual things that some people are afraid of when circumstances do not stand in their way . I was afraid of everything other than the one thing that I convinced myself was the reason I didn 't walk up those stairs . If not for all that fear , I wouldn 't have walked down those stairs in the first place . There is no excuse for this . Everybody who was involved should be shot . And drawn & quartered , whatever that is . And made to watch it over and over until . . . |
I would like to dedicate this book to my wonderful children , without whose support I couldn 't have done this . They are the light of my life . I would also like to dedicate it to my forever love , Ron . He gave me the space and love I needed to complete this project . He is always there for me . He is my rock . After walking down to the water 's edge , Willa cupped her hand in the fast flowing water to get a drink . Since she was at the headwaters of the Sacramento River , she felt it was safe enough to drink without her filtering water bottle . She stood up and looked around her . This was a truly pristine area she had chosen for a backpacking trip . It was early spring , and there was a light sprinkling of snow on the ground , but the weather forecast called for warm temperatures , possibly even hitting the 60s the next day . The trees around her already had tiny buds on them , ready to shoot out new growth . The grassy field she had just passed had hundreds of tiny wildflowers in bloom . Willa looked up at the mountains around her . They were capped in white , and there was a soft lenticular cloud off to the side of the top of Mt . Shasta . It was beginning to get a pinkish glow to it as the sun went down . It was getting late . Time to set up camp . She turned towards the meadow and walked over to a copse of evergreen trees , stunted because of the high altitude . This , she thought , would make a nice place to put her small tent . After slinging her heavy backpack to the ground , Willa began the routine setup of her camp . She started by collecting twigs and fallen wood for a fire . There were some rocks to make a circle around it . As she built the fire , tears stung her eyes as she thought of her son , Nick , who had lost his life two years before as he rode his bike into the path of a drunk driver . She let the tears come this time . It was one of the reasons she liked to come all the way out here into the deep woods . Nobody to judge her here , or offer sympathy . She could just be alone with her pain . Willa heard a twig snap and turned her head in the direction of the sound . A mother deer and two large fawns had come down to the stream to drink . She wondered if they 'd noticed her . She sat down where she was and watched them . The smallest one lifted up its head as if testing the air . Its body quivered . The threesome moved on down the bank , away from where Willa sat , almost as if they sensed it wasn 't safe there . Maybe they smelled her human scent . Or maybe it was just their highly tuned defense system telling them that they needed to keep moving to stay alive . Whichever it was , it made Willa sadder because the deer could only see her kind as an enemy . She 'd have liked nothing more than to have gone right up to the deer and hold one around the neck . To let her tears fall on its soft fur until no more tears would come . How she missed her son . His crooked smile with teeth missing . His dark brown hair so soft like his dad 's . Willa let the feelings flow . She and Jake couldn 't stay together after what had happened . Something had broken between the two of them . They lasted almost a year after the tragedy of losing their only child . They stopped making love almost right away . It just didn 't feel right to enjoy each other anymore when they were in such pain . Jake started sleeping in the den and worked until he could barely stand up . Willa had more time on her hands with her part time job at a day care for elderly folks . Jake still worked at the ad agency in the city . Willa felt sorry for him because she knew he was trying to work off the pain rather than deal with it . They still spoke from time to time , but never for long . It was more a touching of bases than anything else , really . The love was gone from between them . Love was something stunted and half - dead to her now . It was from a different world ; a world before her precious son had been taken away . Willa realized something in that moment . She saw herself as a waxen statue , only existing until her time in this life came to an end . The tears were dry now . She felt as cold as the snow on the mountains inside . The moment was held for eternity in her heart and mind and soul . Sitting there for a while longer , Willa came to life once more as the cold infiltrated her clothes . She needed to set up the tent and tend to the fire if she wanted to survive the night . She thought that living another day was okay . She could do that much . So she collected her tent and the stakes , and set up . Then she rolled an old log up into the fire and fed it until it warmed her . After heating up some water for her instant food pack and a cup of coffee , she ate and drank , almost mechanically . Then she got into her sleeping bag and looked for the way to sleep , but couldn 't find it at first . It finally found her and she began to dream . The sound was deafening . Willa jumped up and out of her sleeping bag . Her heart was racing like a stallion 's . She had no idea what the sound was that woke her , except that it was something big . Could it have been a bear ? That made the most sense , but didn 't quiet her heart . In fact , if it were a bear , she was in trouble . Big trouble . She didn 't carry any weapons and felt completely defenseless . She waited a moment to see if she could hear anything else . Then there was a whoosh ! And a roaring sound . Fire ? It took every ounce of courage to get herself to move . But move she did . She threw on her boots and jacket . Standing up from her crouched position on the tent floor , she reached for the door zipper and slowly unzipped it . She pulled back the flap ever so slowly and peeked her head out into the darkness . To the south she saw a soft glow beyond some deer brush . Inching her body further out of the tent , she tentatively made her way over to the outcropping near to where she had set up camp where she could see better . Yes , it was a fire . But it was only in one spot . Then she heard a cry as if someone were in pain . Willa stumbled back to the tent to grab her flashlight . Investigating the scene seemed like a really bad idea , but how could she leave someone who might be in need of help ? By the time she came back to the spot outside , the glowing fire was almost gone . Willa flicked on her flashlight and headed for what was now just a low glare . Sticks and pine cones crunched under her feet . Other than that there was only silence surrounding her . Then she heard the cry again . Hurrying now , she pushed herself through some thicker brush that she guessed was Manzanita since it was so tightly grown together . Finally , Willa broke free and came into a clearing and saw a wondrous sight . It was a small pod that looked like some kind of airplane without wings that had seemingly crashed into the ground . Smoke arose from it , but parts of it were still on fire . She couldn 't take her eyes off of it . She was mesmerized . Then she heard a low groan to the left of the strange looking plane . Her eyes turned towards the sight of a young man , about her age , lying on the ground and in obvious pain . He was trying to sit up , but kept falling back down again . " It looks bad . Let me go get my first - aid kit from camp . I 'll be right back , " she assured him . She began to turn away to go , but he held her arm with his good one . Willa felt a strange sensation crawl up her arm . It felt like electricity . " Thanks , " he said . " I appreciate it very much . " And he let go of her . She stared into his eyes a moment longer , then took off . The excitement she felt inside her was giving her an incredible energy rush . Willa quickly made her way back to her tent and retrieved her high tech deep woods first - aid kit , which even contained sutures should the need arise . She threw the pack over her shoulder and returned to the crash site . The man was still lying on the ground , moaning . She sat on the ground to his left and asked him if he could pull up his sleeve so she could get a better look . He tried , but cried out . She went for the scissors in her kit and began to cut away the cloth . He grimaced . What she saw shocked her . She had expected red blood to be coming from the wound . Instead , it was the color of an orange . She sat back on her heels . " Look , " he said , " I 'm not from around here . I should tell you that Earth is not my home . I come from another planet . I promise , though , I would never hurt you . " Willa blinked at him . What was he talking about ? This person sitting next to her in agony was an alien ? It couldn 't be true . He reached out and touched her arm . She flinched . " My name is Paul . Or at least here it is . I 'll understand if you want to run the other way right now and not help me , but I 'm really in trouble here . " Willa started to come back into herself . She felt a deep sympathy for this person . It began to surpass her fears about the frightening situation she found herself in . She dug into her kit for burn dressings and came up with several that were marked . Cautiously cutting the rest of Paul 's sleeve off , she placed the pieces of saturated cloth over his burns . Although she was trembling , she did a neat job of it . Next she went to his leg and cut away the burned cloth . Some of it stuck to his skin , so she used the saline solution in the kit to moisten it and pried it off . Paul tried to stay quiet , but he almost passed out from the pain . His eyes closed . Willa was able to get past the color of Paul 's blood , and take care of his wounds . She had taken some first - aid classes in college for her job at the day care , so she knew what she was doing . When she was finished she put everything away and stowed the garbage in a bag . Her hands stopped their shaking , and she washed them off with sanitizer . What was she supposed to do next ? Willa reached for his right arm to help him up . He cried out . This wasn 't going to be easy . She thought of running away from the scene and never looking back . What was she supposed to do in this strange situation ? Willa could feel the strength of his muscles as she helped pull him to his feet . His left leg was obviously in a lot of pain . He probably needed antibiotics for burns like these , she thought . Unfortunately , none came with her kit . Paul put his arm around her shoulder and dragged his left leg as they slowly managed to get through the tangled undergrowth and back to her camp . It took a while , but they finally made it . Willa helped him get into her sleeping bag , and the shivering lessened . " You are a very kind person , " Paul said as he looked up into her eyes . She looked away . His stare was intense . He had deep blue eyes that seemed to know her . Not knowing where to start , Willa couldn 't think of what to say . What do you say to an alien being who just crashed to Earth ? Speechless , she just stared at the ground near her feet . " I come from a planet a lot like this one . It 's called Panterra in your language . It has plants and animals and water , too . We 're very low on carbon , though , so we come here to extract it . " Willa thought this over . It seemed reasonable . So he wasn 't here to do experiments on humans or anything like that . Good . That was a relief . Of course he could be lying . But his eyes seemed so truthful . She wanted to believe him . She needed to believe him . " Are you sure ? I 'm healing quickly you know . Ten times faster than you would . I don 't want you to feel you 're in any danger from me . " Paul held out his good hand and offered it to her . " Nice to meet you , Willa . Very nice indeed . " They shook hands , and Willa felt that electric feeling she had felt from before when she had touched his bare skin . It reminded her of when she was a kid when her cousin Rosie had dared her to put her tongue on the tip of a battery . The difference here was that she felt it through her whole body . It wasn 't an unpleasant feeling at all . In fact , it felt rather nice . " You just need to rest , " she said . " I 'll be right outside by the fire if you need me . " With that , she grabbed her extra blanket and went outside to tend to the fire . Then she curled up next to it and closed her eyes . Sleep wasn 't soon in coming , however . How could it when a real live space man was only a few feet away with who knew what intentions ? Her heart sped up with every new thought or possibility that entered her head . Her imagination began to run wild . Finally , she must have worn herself out because the next thing she knew , the sun was shining on her closed eyes . Willa looked at her watch . It was 7 : 30 . Her head was clouded with sleep . She thought she had had a dream last night , but she couldn 't quite get the memory of it to come into her mind . Then she remembered the crash . It startled her at first , and she felt afraid . She got up abruptly and went to the tent to see if it was true . There he was , sleeping peacefully . She could hardly believe it . So it wasn 't a dream . Her heart beat so fast she felt hot flashes flow through her chest . How could this be real ? Willa had always believed there must be other beings like humans on other planets . But that was just a theory . Now that she was faced with the fact that it was true , she couldn 't seem to digest it . Yet here he was ; a real - life alien being . As she stared down at him , he slowly opened his eyes , those way too deep blue eyes of his . He smiled up at her . Paul pulled back the sleeping bag and began to peel away the dressing on his arm . She knelt down beside him , quickly telling him not to do that . " You still need to keep that on , " she said . Willa couldn 't believe what she saw . What had probably been the worst third - degree burns she had ever seen were now a soft pinkish glow on his skin . Paul unzipped the sleeping bag all the way down and removed the dressings from his leg . It looked the same . It was still pinkish and had no hair where he 'd been burned , but it was healed . He got up from the ground and stood tall beside her . " Now let 's go assess the damage to my craft . " And he was off . Willa thought twice about following him before she finally left the tent . He seemed to know where he was going , which she thought a bit strange because of the condition he had been in the night before . His clothing looked ragged where the fire had gotten to it and she felt a string pull at her heart . They arrived at the scene of the crash . Paul looked it over , then began pulling away large pieces of a metal Willa didn 't think she 'd ever seen before . It was seamless for one thing . For another it had a dull sheen that didn 't reflect the now rising sun . It seemed as if it absorbed the light instead . Paul finished his inspection of the craft . " Well , I guess I won 't be going anywhere soon , " he said sadly . " My ship is destroyed . I 'm lucky I lived through the crash . " " I 'm not exactly sure . The communications are out . There is a place on the coast where I can meet up with a contact , but I don 't know how I 'll be able to get there without transportation . " Paul looked at Willa with those eyes of his . " You wouldn 't want to give me a ride , would you ? " " I don 't know about that , " she said . " I have a lot to do . " A lie . But what did he expect from her ? For her to skip out on her life and go on a road trip with him ? True , it was only a few hours to the coast , but still . Paul 's face brightened . And when he smiled , she felt that electricity go through her again . He was the most handsome man she had ever met . He was almost beautiful . She stared at him too long until he said , " What ? " She looked away , embarrassed . They went back to her campsite and Willa began packing up . She had wanted to stay in the wilderness for a few more days . She needed it . But now things had changed . Oh , how they had changed ! Paul helped her break down the tent and insisted on carrying it back down the long trail to her car . Willa carried her backpack . She shared her water bottle with Paul on the way down . " Oh yes . Many times . Usually with my father or mother . They 're going to be worried about me . The sooner I can get to the contact the better . " Why she said it she didn 't know . All she knew was that she wanted to spend more time with this strange visitor to Earth . She felt as if she had to learn everything about him . He was unique . Somehow he pulled her out of her depression about her son , Nick . She felt needed by someone for once . Of course the old people at the adult daycare had needed her , but somehow this was different ; more personal . She decided she would do this thing . Willa and Paul were on the road by noon . They drove down the narrow and curving mountain roads until they reached her house . It was right on the river and surrounded by forest . Willa lived on five - hundred pristine acres left to her by her beloved grandfather , James Goodman . And he had been a " good man " . He raised a large family doing carpentry work during the heydays of the many mills that had run practically non - stop during his life . Willa wondered what he would have thought if he 'd ever met someone from another planet . It seemed to come right out of one of the hundreds of stories he used to tell her and her cousins when they were growing up in these hills and mountains . They used to take big family camping trips up into the Marble Mountains way back when . Grampa always had a good one up his sleeve , it seemed . Come to think of it , there did seem to be the memory of a few UFO stories mixed in . The creatures he dreamed up didn 't seem to have much in common with Paul , though . Except for the color of his blood and his ability to heal quickly , he seemed just like anyone else . Grampa 's aliens were usually monstrous creatures that ate small children for a snack . They were here for no good reason but to terrify and control the world . Grampa told them the story of " The War of the Worlds " because he said when he was young they had thought it was really happening . They truly believed the Earth was under attack by evil space creatures . It was really only a fake radio show , but the announcer sounded very convincing as he relayed what was supposedly happening . People took their own lives the night of the broadcast . They caused huge traffic jams as they tried to flee the cities . Willa pondered this as she took the sharp curves back to her house . " It 's a long story , but the short version is that our son was killed by a drunk driver while he was on his bike . After that … things just were never the same between us . Jake left about six months ago . I think he 's just working himself to death now . I don 't really like talking about it if it 's okay with you . " " Oh . I forgot . They teach us all about Earth where I 'm from on Panterra , but I don 't remember anything about bikes . " He sat back looking quizzical . Willa looked down at her lap and smiled . " It 's a slow , short - legged creature that hates to be teased . But when you tease it , it turns all these beautiful colors , not unlike your peacocks here on Earth . You can 't imagine how incredible they look . " " Well , here we are , " said Willa . She tried to sound cheerful , but the truth was she felt uncomfortable letting this very strange stranger into her home . She lugged her backpack into the house while Paul grabbed the tent and a few other things . She struggled with her keys , dropped them twice , and was finally in the door . Paul followed quietly . He must have sensed her discomfort . He stood just inside the doorway with his arms full . " You can just put that stuff on the couch , " she told him . He obeyed immediately , apparently knowing what a couch was . It was difficult for Willa to realize that he knew so much more about her world than she did about his . She wondered what his native language sounded like . He had a slight accent of some sort . He did as she asked and looked thoughtful for a moment before asking , " What do you mean ' before the day is up ? ' Isn 't the day up already ? It certainly isn 't night yet . I 'm sorry , I don 't understand . " " No . It 's quite all right . I 'm still getting used to the way people talk here on Earth . The only way I can learn is by asking questions . " Opening Jake 's closet for the first time since he 'd left sent a cold shiver down her spine . She hadn 't expected to feel this way . He had not left much , but she found herself wondering why he 'd left anything at all . There were a few pair of undershorts , some T - shirts , a couple of very nice shirts and pants , and an old pair of blue jeans . She got a set of clothing for her extra - terrestrial guest , including the blue jeans , and stuffed the rest into the backpack . When she went back into the living room she found Paul looking at her paintings all over the walls . " That 's okay . I 'm sorry I yelled at you . It 's just that … I don 't know . I guess we are pretty uptight about things like that . " She smiled sheepishly at him . He smiled back at her with those beautiful eyes . She returned to the bedroom where she packed a few simple things . The backpack wasn 't even half full now . Making sure she grabbed an extra toothbrush for Paul , she swung the pack over her shoulder and returned to the living room . She had changed into a tank top and shorts . Her hair fell softly around her face . Paul stared at her until she broke the hold his eyes had on her . " It 's the blood I need , actually , " he said . " I don 't mean to frighten you , but that 's what I am . You might call me a vampire . " " I told you I would never hurt you , and I won 't . I never feed on humans . It 's against my religion . I 'm a rackonist . This means I 've taken some extremely solemn vows never to hunt human life forms . Do you think I 'm evil Willa ? " Willa ran for the door . She couldn 't help herself . Her fight or flight response was in full gear now . In an instant he was at her side , holding her arms so she couldn 't get free . His strength was immense . He whispered in her ear , " Please understand , Willa . Don 't be afraid . No harm will come to you . Now I 'm going to let your arms free . But you have to promise not to run . I could get in a lot of trouble just for telling you about myself . " " I was born this way . This is what we are on my planet . I should tell you , though , that there are some who choose to come here to hunt humans . They are the undesirables from Panterra . They crave human blood . But I was brought up on animals ' blood . It 's all I 've ever known . But I must feed soon . I 'm feeling weak . " " Okay . I 'll wait for you here . But don 't be long . We 've got to get going if we 're going to get to the coast today . " Truthfully , Willa couldn 't wait to be rid of this vampire alien now . " I 'll be quick . Thank you for being so understanding , Willa . " And he was out the back door it seemed as if in a flash of movement . She 'd never seen anyone move that fast . She tried to stay calm while he was gone , but the truth was she was terrified . How could she even stay on the winding twisty roads when she was shaking so much ? She only had a short time to think as he was back before she knew it . He was only gone for maybe ten minutes . She was afraid , but curious to ask him what he 'd caught . " There are plenty of ground squirrels out there , " he told her . " And a couple of fat crows . " He seemed embarrassed as he told her of his kills . Yet proud in a way , too . She locked the door to her little cabin in the woods and they put the gear in her car . They were on the road again by early afternoon . Luckily , and strangely , Willa 's shaking had stopped and she was able to maneuver easily down and around the steep curves that led to the coast . She was quiet , though and Paul asked her what she was thinking about . " What do you think I 'm thinking about ? ! This is crazy . Before last night my world was quiet and mundane . Now it 's completely out of control . I never even thought about a planet of vampires before in my life . Now I 'm sitting right next to a monster . " That hit Paul hard . " I 'm not a monster , Willa , " he said sadly . " I 'm nothing like what you are imagining me to be . I 've never hurt anyone in my life unless you count the play fights I had with my brother when we were little . Let me tell you some things about myself and maybe you won 't think of me that way anymore , okay ? " " I 'm sorry , Paul . I didn 't mean it that way . I don 't really think you 're a monster . It just came out that way . You 're just so strange to me . " " Well , maybe if you get to know me a little better you won 't be so intimidated by me and others like me . First of all , Panterra is about a third of the size of Earth and lies just inside the Milky Way Galaxy . We don 't have many trees and not much water compared to Earth . I grew up in the Mapot Mountains near the Sea of Donag . I have a great mother and father , a brother , and two sisters . I 'm the oldest , so when I turned 18 of your years I entered the Academy of Space Exploration . When I was a kid , all I ever wanted was to come to this planet called Earth that sounded like paradise to me . I read every book on it I could find . I loved looking at the pictures especially . It looked so different from Panterra . So exquisitely beautiful . My parents started taking us here on trips just so I could see my dream come true . Then , after I entered the Academy , I was sent here with others to study the planet and make sure we weren 't overusing its resources . Carbon is the main resource we take deep out of the ground . Water is another , but only from places not used by humans . Unfortunately there has been political unrest , and some of the Sayers are pushing to get more and more . They don 't have a large following , but there is a trend . I hope they won 't overthrow everything we 've achieved until now . We 've created a good balance . " But enough about all that stuff . I want you to get to know the real me most of all . I love the Earth and everything on it . Even the creatures I have to kill to feed on . I always say a prayer for the being I have killed to send it on to a better place . I honor each one 's spirit . I believe that each spirit is sacred , from the mouse to the jaguar , from the bird to the human . " Willa looked over at him . It sounded to her that he was similar in his beliefs to the American Indians . She knew because she had Cherokee blood from her father 's side . She had always felt a strong kinship with Native beliefs . Now she was hearing similar things from the mouth of a vampire . Things were getting stranger and stranger . She didn 't know what to think . " It was usually good , but sometimes hard . There wasn 't always enough food to go around . Grave robbers were common . Some of our people had themselves buried in impermeable crypts . I just want to be cremated , myself . I don 't want to think about maggots and Fradons eating me up bit by bit . " Willa made a face . Paul laughed . They drove along the winding , muddy Trinity River on highway 299 . Willa hadn 't eaten anything after having lost her appetite earlier back home , but now she was feeling some grumbling in her stomach . There was a small town up ahead not too far , so she decided to stop at this little sandwich shop they had there to get something to eat . It was called Sandy 's Eatery , and they had the best blended mochas in the county , as well as all sorts of organic sandwiches . " I think I 'll come in also , " he said . " I enjoy being around your people . And don 't worry , I know how to behave . " He said this with a slight twinkle in his eye . They got out of the car and went into the restaurant . Paul was looking at everything very curiously . Willa wondered if he 'd ever been inside a restaurant before . He certainly wasn 't acting as though he had . The waitress told them to sit wherever they liked , and Paul made a beeline for a booth near the window . Willa followed . They got their menus , but Willa knew what she wanted and ordered . " I actually haven 't had much interaction with your people until recently . I 've always come here with my parents and stayed in the woods or the desert . This is my first solo trip , as a matter of fact . And now look what 's happened . I hope my parents aren 't too worried . I should have contacted them yesterday . " " I 'm sorry , sir , but you 'll have to keep your voice down please . We have a very small variety of food . I 'm sure if you don 't like it you can go over to the pizza place across the street and find something you 'd like , " said the waitress . But the trucker had just seemed to get started with her . He was obviously drunk . " I just want me a nice beer and a meat loaf . Is that so much to ask , sweetheart ? " He went to grab her wrist . Paul was out of his seat like a flash of lightning . Willa could barely see him as he jumped between the trucker and the waitress . He took the man 's hand off of hers and twisted it until the trucker was on his knees . " Hey ! What the fuck ? ! " The trucker looked up into Paul 's eyes and sat there mesmerized . Paul just held his arm and stared at the trucker . The waitress called for somebody named Jack from somewhere in the back . Slowly Paul let go of the guy 's arm , and he fell to the floor in a daze . The other trucker stood up then and grabbed Paul from behind . He grabbed him around the neck with his arm . " You shouldn 't have done that to my friend , " he said evenly . " But for that you will pay dearly , my friend . " Willa realized she was holding her breath . She got up and started to go help Paul somehow , and the guy named Jack was coming around the counter to subdue the situation . But before either of them could even decide how to fix things , Paul twisted out of the choke hold the trucker had on him and rounded around with his leg to deliver a swift kick to his jaw . Then he put his finger to the guy 's forehead and he , too , fell to the floor . Paul straightened out his shirt and wiped his hands on his pants . He hadn 't even broken a sweat . Willa looked at the waitress and told her , " I 'll take my food to go , please . " Heya i 'm for the first time here . I came across this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out a lot . I hope to give something back and help others like you aided me . Excellent post . 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After they 'd returned the trailer and gotten Aaron 's deposit Adam had him drive to the t - shirt store . He told him to stay in the car as he went in to get the shirts he wanted . The sales girl 's eyes nearly bulged out of her head when he ordered seven medium black t - shirts to be printed with bold white uppercase letters to say " Cum Dump " on them . Then he thought about it and ordered seven large black shirts with " Fuck Toy " printed on them in the same lettering . He made sure that the t - shirts were the stretch material . Medium would be a bit small for Aaron and large would be small for Donny , but he wanted them tight . He was delighted to find black spandex bicycle shorts in the store as well . He purchased fourteen pairs , depleting their stock . These he got in small and medium . He wanted their assets on display and smiled as he pictured it in his head . He paid the hefty price for all of the items and then decided something . " Um , sure , " said the wide eyed blond teenager . " There 's a special price for other items . The price depends on lettering , size of the letters and the size of the garment . " " Um , okay , " she said , blushing so much that her blue eyes looked dull compared to her face . She promised that she could print them . He promised to bring them back soon . He was laughing as he left the store with his purchases in two bags . He had Aaron drive him to the sporting goods store they 'd passed and had him wait in the car . He went in and found the jock straps he wanted . They were completely black all over . The only other color was the white label inside the band . He paid for fourteen of them and then went back to the car and told Aaron to take him back to the t - shirt store . The sales girl printed seven with " Cum Dump " and seven with " Fuck Toy " . Her face burned with embarrassment the whole time , but Adam paid no attention . He paid for the work and accepted the two bags as he 'd instructed that they be separated . He went back to the car and told Aaron to drive them back to the house . Once inside he showed Aaron where to set up his weight bench . Then he hooked his printer to his laptop and printed out the schedule he 'd drawn up for Aaron . The boy needed something to do until school started . He supposed he could tell him to find a job , and he thought he still might . Until that happened Aaron had work to do . He 'd also saved a list of rules for slavery . He amended those to fit Aaron 's role and printed them out as well as a modified version of the contract he 'd saved . He presented Aaron with the rules , schedule and contract when he came back upstairs from the small weight room . Aaron 's eyes grew large as he looked at the rules . " Read them carefully , Aaron , " Adam said . " There 's one for you to sign and another copy for you to keep in your room . The schedule will be taped to the inside of your bedroom door . The contract you will sign and I will keep in my safe . I 'll get you a collar and the tattoo that 's mentioned in a day or two . " " Yes , Aaron , " Adam said . " You will follow that list of rules to the letter . Take heart , your brother 's list is going to be extensive . You will enjoy freedoms that your brother will never have once he walks through the front door . You can sit anywhere you like , eat at the table and even eat real food . You can use the bathroom in the hall and even close the door and use the toilet seat . These are a few things that your brother won 't be allowed to do . If you 've noticed the bedroom at the end of the hall is locked . It isn 't going to be Donny 's . He 'll sleep either tied to the bed downstairs that you haven 't seen or in a cage . I haven 't decided . " Aaron stared at him for a long moment before he signed the rule sheet and moved on to the schedule . He read that as well but didn 't say anything about it . Adam was sure he 'd say something about the weightlifting every day , but he didn 't . He went on to the contract and read through it . His eyes grew larger and larger until his mouth popped open as he read . " Yes , it does , " replied Adam . " It also says that I can loan you out to anyone I choose at any time . All of that is the reality of your situation , Aaron . Take heart though . I don 't want your bed or any of the things you brought with you . I don 't even want or need your money . I 'll open an account for you and put all of the money in it . You 'll have access to it and can spend it any way you want . Understand though , if you run out or want more you will have to get a job . Then I 'd just rework the schedule . " Aaron had no choice but to sign the document because of the way Adam had said the words . He looked like he might pass out when he handed the signed contract to Adam , but he got up and followed him down the stairs to the locked door . Adam unlocked the door and hit a few switches , bathing the entire basement in light . Aaron stood at the door with his mouth hanging open for a moment . Then fear set in and he looked sick . " Relax , " Adam said . " This is more for your brother than for you , Aaron . Make no mistake though . You will be in this room a lot . I won 't go as far with you as I plan to go with Donny . I 'm not trying to break you . You forced me to suck your dick twice a day and you got your friends to help you beat on me every day for six years . You have all of that to make up for . I won 't use my fists and feet . I have paddles , flogs , whips and crops for that . " " No , Aaron , " Adam said as he came to stand before him . " I 'm going to make you feel all of the pain and humiliation you made me feel . Nothing more will happen to you . Your life won 't change all that drastically . I won 't make you walk around the house naked . I won 't make you eat slop from a bowl on the floor and I won 't make you meek and mild all the time . I won 't beat you until you have no choice but to retreat into yourself . It will be painful and you will suck my dick all the time , but it won 't ever be a matter of life or death . You deserve what 's happening to you . I get that you were a victim , but you were also the monster . " " Make it good , Aaron , " Adam said . " You can get me off as quickly as you want to . I have two weeks to train you to do it the way I like it . " Adam was shocked that he didn 't have to have Aaron coax his dick to get hard . He was rock hard from all of this . He couldn 't believe how much it turned him on to see the fear in those green eyes . He sighed as Aaron took his dick into his mouth . He worked his mouth up and down , getting it nice and wet . Then he swallowed it and began to fuck his own throat with Adam 's dick . Adam held on to the sides of his head and let him do the work . He didn 't go for the pay off as quickly as the first time , and Adam was happy with what he was doing . It would get him off quicker than he was used to with Melvin , but then he 'd trained Melvin well . It didn 't last as long as Adam would have liked . All too soon he was gripping the sides of Aaron 's head and burying his dick in his throat . Aaron swallowed around it , letting Adam understand just how talented the boy already was . Then he came down his throat , jerking and gasping the entire time . When it was over , Aaron put his dick back in his pants and zipped and buttoned them before he stood up . Adam locked the dungeon door before they went back up the stairs . He went into the kitchen and got the chicken he 'd bought out of the fridge . He opened bottles of seasonings and began to rub them into the chicken . Aaron stood there and watched him work . Adam thought about that for a moment and then decided to find out if Aaron could cook . He stepped back and looked at him . " You should be doing this , " Adam said . " It 's part of the rules . When Donny gets here I suppose you 'll have to teach him to cook . That is if you can cook . " " No , you are , " Adam said . " There are potatoes in the bin over there . You 'll find canned vegetables in the cabinet beside the fridge . Pick one and make dinner . " Adam washed his hands and went to the nook and opened his laptop . He checked his email and sorted through it , answering one from Pete and two from Lisa . Then he played a game of Solitaire while Aaron cooked their meal . He watched him while he played the game . Aaron was better looking then when he was in high school . He still wasn 't as good looking as Donny , but he was a looker anyway . He thought about what he was going to do to him and what he was going to do with him when he had Donny to spend so much time to break him . He didn 't really want to break Aaron , and he didn 't want to hurt him drastically . He understood why he had done some of the things , but there were unanswered questions he planned to talk about when they were eating . He 'd get honest answers because he 'd tell Aaron to tell him the truth . In fact he planned to tell him never to lie to him for any reason no matter what . He watched as Aaron plated the food . He looked uncertain after he 'd made Adam 's plate . He looked to Adam as he held the empty second plate . Adam nodded and he made his own plate and then took both of them to the dining room . Adam got up and followed him after he 'd shut down his laptop . " Let 's have a little conversation while we eat , " Adam said when he sat down . " Aaron , you are never to lie to me for any reason . Is that clear ? " " Donny told me to find the weakest kid and make him into the wimp , " he said . " I didn 't know you then . I just knew that I didn 't want to be the wimp my brother always told me that I was . The first time I saw you it was Calvin that pushed you out of his way that day . I saw you flinch as he walked past you and then I knew that you were the one to do that to . " " Do you understand what you turned my life into ? " Adam asked . " I mean you had no idea what was going on in my house at the time . I don 't think anyone did before you brought it to everyone 's attention . School was my escape , my safe place . Then you started picking on me and it wasn 't any more . Did any of that ever occur to you ? " " No , it didn 't , " Aaron said . " When I found out what was happening to you at home I felt sorry for you , but by then I was in too deep . My friends expected something that I couldn 't get out of . " " The first time I said that to you I was just repeating the same thing my brother had said to me all the time , " Aaron said . " I didn 't expect you to actually do it . I didn 't know then that you were so scared of me that you 'd have likely done anything I said . Once you actually did it , I liked it so much . I mean I 'd never had my dick sucked before . I 'd never been with a girl . All I 'd ever known was sucking Donny 's dick and getting my ass fucked by Donny . I didn 't know how it felt until that first time with you . " " Pretty much , " Aaron said . " I chose the boy 's room in the basement because nobody came in there . I didn 't want the guys to know what was going on . Part of me was afraid that they 'd call me a fag , but the other part of me was afraid they 'd take you away from me . I mean you were my personal cocksucker , and I didn 't want that to end . " " I thought you did for a while , " Aaron said . " Then I realized that I was just kidding myself . You didn 't like it at all . " " No , " he said . " I really never thought about that one way or the other . I didn 't even know that I was gay at first . I mean sex was just something I was forced into . Then you started sucking my dick and I started to think about you all the time . That 's when I figured out that I was gay , but I never thought you were . " Adam thought about all that he 'd said . He supposed he could see it all from Aaron 's perspective . His older brother , who he probably worshipped in every way had raped him for years . Then he had gotten Adam to suck his dick and it had blown his world apart . Then he had a secret and it kept up because he liked it . It was sick and twisted , but Adam could understand sick and twisted . Adam started talking to Aaron like a friend at that point . He told him all about Melvin and what had happened the night he 'd raped him . How he 'd gotten him the same way he 'd gotten Aaron and planned to get Donny . He didn 't mention the potion or even allude to anything like it . He just said he got Melvin to be his slave and eventually fell in love with him . He promised Aaron that he wouldn 't make that mistake with him . Melvin got under his skin because he kept saying he loved him . Adam knew better than to believe anyone when they said that now . " I wanted to be your friend after high school was over , " Aaron said . " I really was happy to see you when you showed up in the mall that day . I had no idea that any of this would happen , and I really don 't understand how it happened . I just knew that I wanted to be your friend . I can see now that you 'll never be my friend . " " No I won 't , " Adam said . " I don 't like you , Aaron . You were one of my biggest tormenters for a long time . I 'm never going to forget it , and I 'll never forgive it . What you 're doing now will never make up for what you did to me . You have to understand that . That 's why I 'll never stop doing this to you . We won 't ever be friends even if it seems that we are at times . Never forget that I 'm not your friend . I 'm your Master . I 'm your owner , and I 'm never going to let you go . " After that they said nothing to each other . They ate the food that Aaron had cooked and then he told Aaron to put the rest in the storage containers under the sink and to clean up the mess and the dishes . He went to the dungeon to get things ready for Aaron 's first trip down the road of pain . He got the restraints attached to the pulley system . He found the cranks for it and put those together . Then he found a roll of rubber sheeting and placed that on the floor under the area where Aaron would be standing for the first part of the ordeal he was about to face . Adam was angry after their talk , and Aaron would pay for it . When he had everything the way he wanted it he went back upstairs to check on Aaron 's progress in the kitchen . He was happy to find that the dishwasher was already working on the dishes and Aaron was cleaning the last part of the cooking mess from the counter . When that was finished he had him follow him down to the dungeon . Aaron 's eyes were round pools of fright as they walked through the doors . Adam told him to strip and then to stand on the rubber sheet . He attached the restraint cuffs to his wrists and then Aaron was standing with his arms straight out from his body . Then he had him spread his legs and attached the ankle cuffs . " It is what I am , " Aaron said . " I am a cum dump for you and any man you decide to let use me . It means that I suck your dick and any dick you tell me to suck . I never spill cum , not even my own . I eat the cum every time . " " We had a discussion at the table , " Adam said . " You told me the truth about why you tortured me . Do you know that the truth made me angry ? " Adam began to turn the crank , surprised by how easy it was . He turned it until Aaron 's arms were straight up over his head . He turned it until he was standing on the tips of his toes . Then he turned the other crank just enough to pull Aaron 's legs apart tightly . He went to stand in front of him and look at his property . He made quite a sight all trussed up like that with everything on display . " Very good , " Adam said . He reached out and wrapped his hand around Aaron 's dick and started to play with it . " Come on , Aaron . Get it up for me . You want to cum , don 't you ? " When Aaron 's dick was hard Adam let go of it , promising to return to soon enough . He went to the cabinet and found the black rubber cock ring . Then he worked it down Aaron 's shaft and pulled it apart with his fingers . Aaron gasped in pain as Adam forced it over his balls . Adam let go of the ring and let it snap into place , making Aaron wince and moan . It was a tight ring , and Adam knew it would keep him erect even through what he planned for him . He went back to the cabinet and got the ball stretcher . It was a parachute stretcher that had very little weight to it . He fastened it around Aaron 's balls and then went back to get the weights . He added weights to each of the hoops on the parachute . He added weights until Aaron began to gasp and moan from the pain of it . Then he went back to the cabinet and got the masturbation sleeve , a condom and a bottle of lubricant . He put the condom on Aaron 's dick and then spread lubricant over the entire shaft of his dick . Then he shoved the masturbation sleeve down over his dick and began to push it up and down his shaft , masturbating him . Aaron 's eyes never left Adam 's . The boy knew exactly what was happening now . His orgasm would come , but it would be mixed with pain . Adam planned for each of his orgasms to be mixed with pain for a while . He wanted Aaron to know the sacrifice it would be to get off . There was one more thing Adam needed to make this complete . He pulled the video camera out of its slot in the wall and got the tripod . He positioned it and looked through it to make sure that he could see Aaron 's entire body from his hands to his feet and still see clearly . Then he went back to masturbating him . The movement of Adam 's hand wrapped around the sleeve brought Aaron both pleasure and pain , because it stimulated his dick and made the weights swing on the parachute at the same time , tugging at his balls as he was manipulated . " Because I belong to you , " Aaron said . " I 'm your property , your slave . I 'm your cum dump and you have every right to do whatever you want to me . " He began to move the sleeve up and down Aaron 's dick faster , gripping it tighter . The faster he went the more the weights swung and jerked . Aaron gasped and grunted , shaking his head from side to side . Then he gasped louder and Adam could feel the pulsing dick in his hand and knew that Aaron had cum . Aaron cried out from the pain and pleasure of it . Adam masturbated him until the pulsing stopped . Then he removed the sleeve and pulled Aaron 's dick down , away from his body . He rolled the bottom of the condom up and trapped the cum in the reservoir . Then he put the condom in Aaron 's mouth . " Suck your cum out of it , Aaron , " Adam said . Aaron began to move the condom around in his mouth . " Get it all . Look at the camera while you do it . " When Aaron had gotten all of his cum out of the condom Adam took it out of his mouth and tossed it into the trash can . He turned the camera off and put it away as well as the tripod . Then he went to the paddles on the wall and took the hard black rubber paddle . He went back to Aaron and held it up in front of his face . " Clever , " Adam said , smiling . " I forgot to tell you that whatever number you chose would be multiplied by ten , Aaron . You chose three , so that means you get thirty swats with this paddle on your ass while the weights remain on your balls . " " Yes , Sir , " Aaron replied , but now the boy was crying . Adam paid no attention to the tears . He 'd cried enough tears because of the way Aaron had treated him over the years . Adam walked around him and swung the paddle with as much force as he could muster . The result was a resounding smacking sound and Aaron wailed out the number and thanked him for it . He did it over and over again until Aaron had cried out the number thirty and thanked him for it . Then he started to rub Aaron 's very red , very raw ass with his hand . He knew it stung as well as soothed . Adam went to the cabinet and got the soothing gel to rub into Aaron 's ass . He rubbed it in and Aaron sighed as the cooling gel began to leach the pain out of his ass . Adam rubbed him with the gel for a while . The gel would also help his raw ass to heal . He didn 't want him damaged after all . He took the weights off the parachute and then took the parachute off of Aaron 's sore balls . He didn 't know that the sudden release of the parachute would cause Aaron pain though . He heard him gasping and moaning , felt him jerking and sighed . He 'd have to remember that it would be painful going on and coming off . He rubbed Aaron 's aching balls for a few minutes , but it only seemed to hurt the boy more . Finally he released the tension in the cables and Aaron stood on his feet . He looked down at his dick and then at Adam . Adam understood . " The ring stays on , " Adam said . " You 'll be able to go semi soft . It 'll make a nice bulge in your pants and jock strap . That reminds me . " He left Aaron standing there and went up to get the bag of Cum Dump jock straps . He went back down and took one out of the bag . He let Aaron see it and smiled . He told him that this was the only underwear he would ever wear again . He uncuffed him and told him to put the jock on . When that was done he handed him the bag . " I want all of your other underwear in this bag , " he said . " You put these in your underwear drawer . We 'll throw the others away . " " Well now you know how I felt , " Adam said . " I was very unhappy with my station in life that you helped to put me in . I feel no pity for you , Cum Dump . Remember that . Tears won 't sway me . " It went on like that for days . Adam would have Aaron suck his dick in the morning before his shower . He let him get him off quickly in the mornings . Then they 'd go to the basement and Adam would set it all up again and make him cum . Aaron cooked , he cleaned and he worked out every morning after sucking Adam 's dick . Now and then Adam would have him suck his dick again throughout the day . Aaron only got to cum after they 'd had breakfast each morning and it was always the same way . Then Adam gave him another job . This one was probably the hardest for Aaron to do . He discovered that Aaron was good at web design . He gave him the chore of setting up a website for him . He took several pictures of the dungeon and of Aaron in the suspension restraints with the ball stretcher and the used condom hanging out of his mouth . He had him compress the videos he took of his first visit to the dungeon and put it on there as well . He took Aaron to the tattoo parlor and got the slave tattoo on the back of his neck . Then he went to the sex store in Chicago and purchased his collar . He put a padlock on it and added both keys to it to his key ring . He bought depilatory cream for Aaron 's balls and ass crack . Of course the boy still had to shave it , but it was easier for him . He paid to have a privacy fence erected around his back yard . Aaron was in charge of cutting the grass . Adam bought a push mower and told Aaron that in the back yard he would cut the grass in his jock strap just after his work out . He could put on the spandex shorts to mow the front yard . They discussed Aaron 's plans for college . Adam brought him an application from Stattler - Mead and had him fill it out . He dropped it off one day when he was out pricing pools . He wasn 't sure he wanted one and then he was . It went back and forth . He supposed he had a little time to decide on that . Aaron got an interview with the school to talk about his application . The credits from the community college would transfer . Adam let him pick his major and then had funds transferred to the school to pay Aaron 's tuition for four years . They were happy to accept him after that . The t - shirt and spandex shorts were too small for Aaron , but they covered everything . That 's what was important . Adam hadn 't decided to make him wear them in public other than to mow the front lawn . He liked seeing him in them however . He was right that it showed off everything . The cock ring helped with that as well . It was obscene and it embarrassed Aaron to no end . He was getting his money 's worth . He couldn 't wait to see Donny in the get up . The website was coming along . Aaron was really good with graphics and design . Adam sat him in front of the camera and told him to tell the camera everything he 'd done to Adam over the years . Aaron talked for nearly two hours while Adam recorded what he said . He paused the recording and told Aaron to explain what he was to Adam now and for how long it would last . He resumed recording while Aaron told the camera that he was now Adam 's property to do with as he wished . He told the camera that he was Adam 's Cum Dump and that he sucked his dick any time he was told to , he swallowed his cum and his own when he was allowed to cum . He surprised Adam by explaining just how he was allowed to cum . He told the camera that he deserved what was happening to him and warned other bullies to think before they hurt anyone . When it was all over Adam had Aaron splice the videos together with the footage of his first cum session . He promised that here would be other videos , pictures and testimonials from both him and his brother as time went on . Aaron put the website together and Adam purchased the domain name HouseofAdam . com . They uploaded everything to the server and then Adam checked out the website . He was pleased by the video section . It was all there . First was the video of Aaron telling the camera what he 'd done to Adam . He 'd named names of the other boys he 'd hung out with who had also hurt Adam . He talked about the sexual abuse and how long it had gone on . Then there was the video of his cum session . That was dramatic and a bit sickening to watch . Adam had made sure that his face was never on camera , but it might as well have been . Aaron had used his full name in the testimonials . Then there was the video of Aaron telling the camera what he was to Adam now , how he deserved what was happening and his warning to other bullies . It was perfect . He started taking pictures of Aaron in his Cum Dump outfit . First it was the spandex and t - shirt and then it was just the jock . He put Aaron into every bondage device he had and photographed him . He beat Aaron 's ass until it was red and welted and took pictures of that . Aaron uploaded them all to the website 's pictures section . Then Adam sat down to write a bit about himself , his interests and what he wanted out of life . He talked about the abuse he 'd suffered at the hands of his mother and stepfather and then the abuse he 'd suffered at the hands of Aaron and his friends . He even talked about what had happened with Donny and promised the readers that he 'd have Donny just like he had Aaron as soon as he could get it done . He set up his email on the server as MasterAadam @ HouseofAdam . com . Aaron had set up his as slaveAaron @ HouseofAdam . com . Adam was surprised by the positive emails he got from so many different people . They congratulated him on getting control of his primary bully . He got emails from other Masters who told him what they thought of the pictures and videos . Some said that they had been victims of bullies in their younger years and said that they 'd have given anything to have their bullies in Aaron 's position . Some had even left links to their own sites . He clicked on one link from Master Brian and was shocked to find the guy from the video he 'd seen before . He 'd been to this site already . He 'd thought about sending the guy an email because of the fact that they had the same tattoo on the backs of their necks . He read the bio section of the site and learned that Brian was going to be a sophomore at Stattler - Mead in the fall . He was studying electrical engineering . He 'd had his slave for one year , but their contract was ending because his slave had graduated from the university and would be returning to his home town at the end of the summer to take a job . He learned that three of the other Masters were living in the area . Two were in Chicago and one other was actually living in Crippin . He was an older man who owned and ran an advertising company . Making a split second decision he emailed these four guys and told them each that he enjoyed reading their emails . He told them he was new to Crippin and was interested in meeting likeminded men in the scene . He sent the emails and then shut down the computer . Then he left Aaron with precise instructions and headed for the home improvement warehouse store he 'd seen when they 'd taken the trailer back to the rental company . He purchased a grill and a propane tank . He wanted to host a barbecue and invite the four guys and their slaves . He checked his email when he got back home . All four had responded . Brian and Mark both wanted to meet Adam . Brian said it would be nice to have someone that shared his interests at school . Mark , who lived in Chicago and worked for an animal hospital said that he 'd liked what he 'd seen so much that he wanted to get together with Adam some time and talk about how he 'd done it . Of course he couldn 't tell anyone about the potion , but he could wing it . Rick and Paul both wanted to meet him and check out his dungeon . They said they really liked the pictures and couldn 't wait to see it in person . He emailed each of them back and proposed a barbecue to get to know each other . He promised a tour of the dungeon and to have shakes for all of the slaves who were brought to the house . Then he decided to invite Dave . He 'd told Adam to tell his friends when he 'd left the day he 'd finished the installation of the dungeon . This way he might actually be able to sign up a client or two . He sent email back and forth with all five men for the rest of the afternoon to finalize plans . Brian , Mark and Paul said they 'd bring their slaves but they 'd also bring sustenance for them . Rick said that he was intrigued by the shakes and couldn 't wait to get the recipe . They settled on Saturday afternoon . It was two days before Donny would arrive and Adam thought it was perfect . He had some things to do before then , but he emailed them all back and told them that Saturday afternoon was a go . He gave Aaron specific instructions for that day and made him repeat them word for word until he got them right . Then he had him set up the grill and connect the propane tank . Then he had him clean the dungeon . Dave had sold him leather cleaner and polish for all of the leather items as well as disinfectant solutions that wouldn 't break down the rubber sheeting or damage the leather . He told Aaron he wanted everything polished and disinfected . Friday afternoon Adam went shopping . He went back to the home improvement store and bought deck furniture . He paid extra to have it delivered to his house that very day and set up . There were eight chairs , a table with an umbrella and covers for everything . He went to the grocery store next . There he bought six of the largest porterhouse steaks he could find along with salad fixings , huge white potatoes and plenty of soda . Then he got all of the ingredients on the list for the supplement shakes . He got a bigger cooler and bought four bags of ice . At home the steaks went in the fridge after Aaron put together a marinating sauce for them to bathe in . The potatoes were placed on the counter and the salad fixings went into the fridge . The ingredients for the supplement shakes went into the pantry . There were only four ingredients that had to be refrigerated and Adam already had them in his fridge . He 'd purchased the vitamin supplement powders to add to the shakes at the GNC store . Then he went down to the dungeon to get something he 'd been meaning to put on Aaron but hadn 't done it so far . He 'd purchased two of the chastity devices with Aaron and Donny in mind . They were chrome and looked like plumbing pipes that were curved . They had removable caps at the end so that the slave could urinate . They locked around the base of the dick and balls much like a cock ring . The flaccid dick was inserted in the curved chrome pipe . It prevented the slave from touching his dick and also made erection extremely uncomfortable . The devices could be worn in the shower and were guaranteed not to rust . He went upstairs and put the device on Aaron to see how it fit . He knew once it was on that there was no way for him to wear even the jock strap . He decided that for the barbecue the chastity device would be the only thing Aaron wore . He showed Aaron how to get the cap on and off and then took it off of him . He explained that this would be all he would wear the next day and Aaron 's shoulders slumped at the news . " Well , if I tell you to you 'll do it , " Adam said . " I wasn 't planning to tell you to though . We 'll have to wait and see . " That seemed to upset him a little more . He nodded however and went back to cleaning the house . He had a list of chores to get through before the next day . Adam wanted the house spotless . He oversaw the guys from the home improvement store , though he knew they knew what they were doing . He did tip them well and took yet another comment card from them before they let . Then he went around taking the sales tags off of all of it . He sat in one of the chairs that faced the rest of the deck and looked around . It looked good . He knew that if he was going to do anything at night out here he 'd need light . But he was also sure that by the time the sun went down they 'd all be in the dungeon . " Why are you doing this , Adam ? " Aaron asked when he came back in and sat in the living room . Adam 's first thought was to get up an backhand him for talking out of turn , but then he remembered that he 'd told him to speak freely earlier in the day and had not told him to go back to slave mode . He sighed as he thought of that . He had to be more careful with Aaron 's orders in the future . " Pete worked with me and Donny at the gas station in Crete , " Adam said . " He was also attending Storyville University . I told you about Melvin . Lisa was Melvin 's girlfriend . They came from the same town in Ohio . She broke up with Melvin and started to date Pete . They now live in my house in Crete . They 're two of the best friends I 've ever had . Actually they 're the first two friends I can remember having . " " Not that I 'm into this stuff , no , " Adam said . " Though I wasn 't into this when I met either of them . Blame your brother for teaching me any of this to begin with . He may not have had a dungeon , but then his fists and slaps were enough for him . He 's the one that got me researching it and learning all about it . I started this with Melvin , but I made a mistake with him and he left . Now I have you , and very soon I 'll have your brother . You may think your situation is bad , Aaron . Just wait until Donny is in this house . Then you will see just how bad it can get . " " You might not believe this , " Aaron said . " I really can 't wait until you have Donny downstairs in that dungeon , Adam . I really can 't wait . " " Oh I believe it , Aaron , " Adam said . " You were his victim , too . I spent months under his care . You endured him for years . I believe that you can 't wait for him to be in my dungeon . I believe that you 'll really enjoy watching him suffer . " " I get that you want him to feel what you felt , " Aaron said . " I also want him to know what it 's like for his brother to turn on him . I want him to know what it feels like for his own brother to rape him and shove his dick down his throat . I want him to know what it feels like for his brother to beat him until he can 't see straight . " Adam thought back to his days in Donny 's trailer . He thought about the first time he 'd seen Donny fuck Aaron and what he 'd felt at the sight . It had sickened him . Then he wondered why it had sickened him . Why should the fact that they were brothers make any difference to Adam ? At the time he should have just been happy that Donny wasn 't fucking him the way he fucked Aaron . With Aaron it had been all about pain . It had been about pain with Adam , too , but at least Donny had been trying to get off with him . With Aaron he prolonged it to make the pain last . He thought about it and tried to imagine what his reaction would be if he let Aaron do what he wanted . He 'd said he would never be Aaron 's friend , and that was the truth . However they were both victims of Donny and that made them a little better than enemies . He supposed he could deal with it if that 's what Aaron wanted . After all he was all prepared to get his own revenge . He 'd heard from other men who were now in this scene they 'd said they wished they could get their childhood bullies under their own thumbs . Surely their childhood bullies didn 't do anything like what Aaron and Donny had done to Adam , but would he deny them the chance to get their own revenge ? The answer to that question was no he wouldn 't . So should he be all morally superior when it came down to the fact that Aaron wanted to fuck his brother 's ass and mouth for revenge ? No , he didn 't think so . Please Donate to Nifty to keep the service alive ! I hope you enjoyed the chapter . 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I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . " If I see him . " Levvy stepped out of the room . Everyone in the room started laughing , when they were sure the men couldn 't hear them . " What do you expect , Sal . He has probably never seen combat . He was a Captain . " A man with long brown hair , a few scars , and a beard said coming up to stand behind Sal . " And who you calling a desert rat . Isn 't that the kettle calling the pot black ? You 've lived in the desert your whole life . " " You got me there , DJ but we are all desert rats here . " A murmur of consent went through the crowd in the temple . Twenty people in all . Digging and uncovering artifacts in a new room found in the temple . " Well they won 't give up . So watch what you 're saying . I don 't really want to deal with them again . There are bound to be a few of them around town and in every temple . Glad I don 't get out much and that I don 't look the same . No glasses . " " Sorry , General Hammond , we couldn 't find him . No , no one in the temples around Cairo has heard of him . Well no we didn 't look at everyone . We did look . Yes , Sir . We will be on the next flight out of here and thank god . " Levvy hung up the phone . " Yeah , Hammond 's sending Colonel O ' Neill , Major Carter , and Teal ' c to look for him . This was the last known residence for him and they don 't think he left . He could be desert mulch for all we know . " " The plane leaves from the airport at 0900 . You will be flying as three friends . No mention of the military . Doctor Jackson spent some time here at the base . He may be hiding from us . Might even be watching the local base . " " Do you really think he 's hiding from the military ? " Sam said an undertone worry in her voice . They all knew Daniel could hide from them if he really wanted to . Especially in the desert , they all knew it was like his home . " Sam , we did sort of call him crazy and then kicked him out of the mountain . Who knows what happened with Sha 're ? He lived for going through the ' gate and we cut him off from that and now it 's true . Thank God , Bra ' tac was able to tell us with enough time to do something about it . Two months . " " Send him to the kitchen . I 'm eating . " A few seconds later , a kid stepped into the room . " Amad , it 's you . Well , what is it ? " " Well , this morning a group of three people came to the airport from the U . S . An older man , blonde haired woman , and a black man wearing a hat . " Daniel reached into the pants pocket of his jeans and pulled out his wallet . He retrieved a small picture from the back and handed it to the boy . " Listen , Amad , tell everyone you can to tell them I left a few weeks ago . I don 't want to be found . Here 's some money . Go . Quick . " Amad took the money and ran . If you wanted something to get around tell the kids . Give it an hour and the whole area knows . Sal walked into the room to hear the end of the conversation . " These people will know me merely by sight . I 'll work in the back for a few days until they leave . Fuck . God , why can 't they just leave me alone ? " " No , if they know I am here I will never be safe . I just need to lay low . I say thank you again for letting me stay here with your wife . " " Danny , you 're a desert rat . I knew your parents . It 's the least I could do . Now I will kick you out if you don 't start bring home some people . You need sex bud . " " I know since your wife died , no women . Perhaps you 'll find a nice man . " Sal left Daniel to eat in peace . He walked into the room where his wife was sowing . " Pissed at the world because his friends betrayed him . Yes , but he 's back now and with a dirtier mouth . " Sal got a look of innocence on his face and held up his hands . " Yes , you . God , some of those curses . Not just the English either . Arabic , Egyptian , and Hebrew . Who knew such a good boy could cuss so filthily . " " He 's a desert rat . All desert rats know those words . " Those two loved Daniel as if he was their son . Sal had been on the team that had dug up the items that Drs . Jackson had died under . When Daniel had arrived in Cairo twenty - one months earlier they had taken him in right away , gave him a job on their dig team , and gave him a family . Jack walked alone into the temple where Daniel was working . Daniel saw him enter and hid in a dark corner . " May I help you , Sir ? " Sal asked , holding up his hand to as a sign for Jack to halt . " Well , I was in town and well I didn 't want a normal tour guide to view the temples . A few people said I should come see you guys . I have two friends with me and we want a real tour with people who know that they are talking about . " " Oh , ok . Well , we 'll be here for a few weeks . Vacation . When do you think you could spare someone ? " Sal knew he wasn 't going to give up . Jack kept looking around for someone . " He had very little when he came here . He left most of his life from the U . S . in the U . S but he had one picture . You , Captain Carter , himself and the man called Teal ' c . You three hurt him . Too deep to be coming back after two years . He waited for you three to visit him and tried calling but he couldn 't reach of you . So he left . " Daniel was listening to Sal . Sal didn 't know Jack enough to let him really have it so he decided to do something about it . He walked to stand a few feet behind Sal but still hidden so Jack wouldn 't know him . " I 've got it , Sal , " Daniel said his voice pitched low enough that Jack wouldn 't recognize it . " You need him ? Well he needed you three . Bastards the lot of you . Fuck off . I won 't let you hurt him again . Danny left so you couldn 't find him and I plan to keep it that way . " " Bisexual ? Yes , he is . Does that bother you , O ' Neill ? Just fuck off , okay . Neither you nor the others are wanted here ; leave so he can get on with his life . He doesn 't want anything to do with you , the Air Force , or the U . S . ever again . Can 't you understand that ? " Jack didn 't say anything he just turned and left . The diggers waited until Jack was out of earshot then they started clapping . Every one of them supported Daniel 's decision to leave the U . S . some said they would have left months before he had . " Yeah , I will go . Thanks . " The last was said to everyone but he didn 't go home instead he went to a local bar to drink . He enjoyed the company . " O ' Neill ? " Teal ' c said when he and Sam entered the hotel room the three shared . Jack sat on the edge of his bed , his eyes fixed on a space that neither Sam nor Teal ' c could trace . " He was here and then he left . I 'd say after Levvy was here . The locals say weeks . I talked to his lover . Who told me to fuck off a few times . We all three got called bastards . " Sam recoiled at this . His lover ? " Bar ? Danny gets drunk off one beer , " Jack said but still the three friends went to the bar . Very few people were in there . It wasn 't late enough in the evening for many customers . Only three of the men are roughly Daniel 's size , two at tables and the one at the bar . " See those glasses in front of him ? Well that means he has had that many shots of whiskey . After five Daniel would be out like a light . " It was then the other two that might have been Daniel got up and left . A look at these men 's faces told the trio that neither of them were Daniel , their gazes automatically drifted over to the man at the bar . The man at the bar stood , without any trouble , and laid a few bills on the counter . He began to walk out , seemingly lost in thought . Just before the man made it to the exit , he accidentally collided with Jack " It 's al … Daniel ? " Jack 's voice held shock . Not only that Daniel was really here and that he had drank five shots of whiskey and could still function perfectly as well . " Shit ! " Daniel took of running and disappeared into the dense crowd that swathed the city streets . Having experienced the labyrinth of the city numerous times before , he could lose them in a ridiculously short amount of time , and he did . After a few blocks running and dodging random pedestrians , the three stopped to catch their breaths . Worn out they headed back to their hotel . " How the hell did he put back five shots of whiskey and still be able to lose two soldiers and a Jaffa . He shouldn 't be able to move after that , " Jack said , still amazed about how Daniel can hold his liquor . The three boarded the elevator and Sam pressed the button for their floor . " Yeah , remember the lover I talked about ? It was Daniel . I see it now . The stance , the hair , " Jack said as they entered the hotel . " This became his family . He grew up here . Did you know that ? Until his parents died , " Jack asked looking over at Sam as the elevator stopped and the doors smoothly slid open , the three stepped out and made their way to their room . " The deserts in his blood , that 's why he loved Abydos so much . A man , Sal said that we hurt him . " Jack knew this to be true and no one protested against his statement . They knew in their heart of hearts that they had hurt Daniel . Even Teal ' c was saddened at how Daniel had been treated . " Daniel , you scared us , " Susie began . " We came back and you weren 't here . You could have got hurt . They could have taken you . " " I 'm sorry . I just went to the bar and had a few shots . Then they showed up . They spotted me and I ran . I lost ' em after a few blocks . Then I just I decided to take a short walk around the city to cool off before I came home , " Daniel said , looking genuinely apologetic . He had never wanted to scare Sal and Susie or have any harm befall them because of his presence in their household . " Well Soony came by . He wanted to know if you had thought about Karnak . He said that they leave next week and will be back in two months . " Sal added breaking the tenseness of the conversation . " Son , what did they do to you ? " Sal asked . It was a rule that they let him be but now that the threat was real they knew they just couldn 't . " They betrayed me . Laughed at me . Things friends don 't do but I want this over once and for all . Sal , find them . Tell them I want to meet them at the temple at dusk tomorrow . If you guys don 't mind packing up a little early ? " Daniel asked , hopefully , desperately wanting to resolve the situation at hand . It was the first favor Daniel had ever asked of them , everything else they had given to him out of the goodness of their hearts . " Sure , son . I 'll find them . How ? " Sal said , he felt would do almost anything for Daniel to rid him of those that had hurt him . " Can 't be that hard ? I think they were staying at the hotel with the bar I like : a black man , a blonde woman , and an older man . It 's a strange group . " Jack , Sam , and Teal ' c ate in their room as they always did . They got out get food then took it back to their room and like their normal : they didn 't talk much . They didn 't have much to say . " I don 't know . He certainly won 't like it . He may not tell us anything if we do , " Jack said as he stood to look out the only window in the room . " Your right Teal ' c , but it wouldn 't feel right , " Sam said and Jack snorted in agreement . No , it wouldn 't feel right . Kicking him out of the mountain then kidnapping him and making him stay there . A knock came at their door and the three started . All three were hoping that maybe it was Daniel . When Teal ' c opened the door , all three let out a collective breath . It wasn 't . " I 'm surprised , Colonel . You remember me . You must be Teal ' c and Captain Carter , " Sal said , addressing the bulking figure that stood before him and the female officer who remained seated at the table wearing a friendly but cautious smile . " Well , I am here to relay a message . Doctor Jackson will meet you at the temple at dusk tomorrow . " Then , just as quickly as he had appeared , Sal departed , having fulfilled his duties to Daniel . Teal ' c watched for a moment as the man scuttled down the hall turned the corner and disappeared . He then shut the door , turning to his fellow officers with an ebony eyebrow raised . " I guess the temple where I found him . Let 's hope Danny doesn 't want to kill us . The temple is really out there . Easy to get rid of the bodies , " Jack commented , he noticed that this joke got about as many chuckles from his friends as his prior jest about Daniel having a gun . At dusk Jack , Sam , and Teal ' c entered the temple . The whole room was swathed in shadows varying in thickness and was a few degrees cooler . The only light that was visible emanated from the rectangular doorway and fell only a few feet into the temple , leaving a ghostly impression on the sandy floor . The team was slightly nervous to say the least , the silence was almost deafening , and the fact that visibility was poor beyond the entrance of the temple wasn 't very soothing for the nerves . " I wouldn 't shoot you Colonel O ' Neill , " Daniel said appearing from the shadowy depths . Sam jumped back as she realized that Daniel had basically materialized right beside her . No one had heard even the slightest shifting of sands as Daniel approached , not even Teal ' c . That was hard to do considering that the floor of the temple is sand . " Almost two years here in Cairo can do that , " Daniel said stoically . He didn 't have his glasses on . Mostly he wore contacts now . It looked better with his shoulder blade length hair . " Wish I could say the same . What do you want ? " He stared at each of the three for a few seconds . His face showed no emotion . His eyes didn 't hold their sparkle anymore . " Daniel , we have near two months . The Goa ' uld are coming , " Jack said . He looked for any change in his friends face but there was none . " Sorry , Major Carter , do I really look like I give a shit ? I told you two years ago they were coming but no . Don 't believe the civilian . I 'm happy here . So just leave me the fuck alone , alright ? " Having said his piece Daniel turned to leave but felt an iron grip clamp down on his arm , it was Jack . Daniel spun around to face his former friend and grabbed Jack 's wrist , slowly crushing it until he let go , watching Jack 's face contort from agitated to pain . Daniel wasn 't a push over anymore . " You need me . You fucking son of a bitch . I needed you three two years ago . You were my friends , my family . I lost everything again . You said we were still friends . I believed you , all three of you . Now leave . Next time I see you I may not be so nice . " Daniel started walking away . " She died a year and a half ago . I saw it in my dreams . Apophis hid her Abydos while she was pregnant with his child , the Goa ' uld in her slept . She died in childbirth . My only solace was that the child died as well . " His voice didn 't have any emotion in it . " Depends , do you want a three - man team or a four - man team ? We found him but he doesn 't want anything to do with us . He 's changed General . " " Well he had a vision . He knows she 's dead . Hey , don 't ask me . He doesn 't care anymore . It 's like looking at the shell that the man Daniel Jackson used to live in . " " Yes , Sir , he 's fairly adamant and we don 't know where he lives , only where he works . Tailing him won 't work . He 's already lost us once . " " Just us two men tonight , DJ , " Sal said handing Daniel a beer . It had been three days since the confrontation in the temple . Daniel didn 't hold hopes they had left and they hadn 't . The morning after they talked to Hammond they went looking for where Sal lived . They saw Daniel leave the house that morning with Sal and Susie and return there alone that evening . They had found where Daniel lived . " Why do you think I left Chicago ? " Sal said laughing . Daniel stood hearing noises outside , not the normal noises for Cairo at night , not in this part of town . " Shh . Sal , go to your bedroom . No matter what stay there . You hear me ! " Daniel said while standing up and looking around . It was coming from the front door . " They 'd take me ? Yes . " Sal went into the room and shut the door . Daniel smiled when he heard the lock turn . The electricity in the house went out . Daniel dropped to his knees with his hands behind his head . He knew resistance would hurt either Sal or Susie , if she came back , or it would wreck the house . When Jack opened the door , he almost dropped his gun when he saw Daniel on his knees with his back to them . Sam and Teal ' c followed him in . None expecting Daniel to be just sitting there waiting on them . " Sal 's in his room . He won 't come out . Susie 's out with friends , I will go quietly if I can call her from the base , " Daniel said . He hadn 't moved so no one would get jumpy and pull the trigger . " Sure and go back a bag , " Jack said putting his gun down . Daniel stood and walked to the entryway to his room . He smiled looking back at Jack " Not gonna follow me in ? " He said a mocking tone in his voice . Jack didn 't answer . A few minutes later , Daniel emerged from the room with a duffel bag over his shoulder . " I 'm gonna say goodbye to Sal . " Daniel knocked on the door and it opened . Sal stepped back when he saw it was Daniel . Daniel stepped into the room but stayed in the line of sight of the three people in the room . They talked in hushed tones for a few minutes then Daniel steeped out . " Tell Susie I will call her in the morning . It 's better this way . If I resist someone might get hurt and it will be the wrong ones . " He turned and looked at the three people in the living room with hatred in his eyes . They all three saw the look and looked away . " Luck , Daniel . That 's all I am giving you . " Daniel smiled and walked towards the front door . Jack and Sam took lead while Teal ' c walked behind Daniel . Daniel didn 't like this but he knew that he could only get away once he was sure no one would get hurt and the tranq guns would definitely be a help . " The General must really want me back if he authorized you to kidnap me . " No one answered him . He knew they wouldn 't . They really didn 't want to do it this way but he was leaving them no choice . Just the way he wanted it . Susie returned home late that night . The lights were out so she thought her boys were in bed . After opening the door , she saw Sal sitting in the dark with no drink around . They hadn 't turned the electric back on yet . It would take until morning for the company to get it back on . " Sal , what 's wrong ? Where 's Daniel . " She ran to his room . Most of his stuff was gone . She came back out . " Sal ? " " They came and took him . He didn 't fight them . He didn 't want one of us to get hurt . Or our house damaged . He will call you and say goodbye tomorrow . He said his stuff could be sent to the base . He will get it from there . " Sal 's voice held no emotion . " I don 't know . The three came with guns . They looked like tranq guns . They were going to knock him out and maybe us . He did it the best way , " Sal said while hugging his wife . " What makes you say that ? The moment I was out of their house my word meant nothing , plus you wouldn 't hold them hostage . Not your way or wasn 't your way . " He knew his words cut at them and he wanted it to . He wanted them to feel some of the pain he had lived with for so long . " Daniel , what happened to you ? " Sam softly asked . Her eyes held worry . He looked away . He walked to the window and looked out it . He liked the desert at night . It hid everything . " America . The first time I ever set foot on its soil I lost my parents . Then I spent ten years hopping homes until I got to college . Then years later , I found a family . A wonderful loving family that loved me and then it was taken away from me . I went back to America and a year later the family I had made with my three friends was thrown in my face and I was thrown on my ass . Now ask me again . Ask again what the FUCK HAPPENED TO ME ! " Daniel screamed the last words at all three of them but he didn 't turn around . " I 've never hit a woman before . Talk and I will . " Sam stepped backwards . No one had ever seen that look on his face , not even when looking at Apophis . " I 'm going to bed . " Jack woke up the next morning feeling funny and finding Sam and Teal ' c asleep . Teal ' c looked to have fallen asleep while taking the night watch . He lay on his side on the floor . Jack looked around Daniel was nowhere . The bathroom door was open and no one in it . Jack jumped off the bed and moved to shake Teal ' c . " Mr . O ' Neill , I have a message for you from Doctor Jackson . It says ' I won 't go back . ' " Jack slammed the phone down . " Sir ? " Sam said as she heard him while waking up . Teal ' c stood at the window looking out it . He saw no one in the crowd that looked like Daniel . " He tranqed us , Carter , " Jack simply said . She sat straight up . Both thinking about what Hammond was going to do to them . This time there was no way to track Daniel . He had evaded them and gotten away with it . I have run from them . They will be by to see if I went back to you . I didn 't want to put you in harms way so I am writing this letter . I am fine . In a few weeks I will write to you so you will know I am still fine . Daniel stood outside the temples at Karnak . The sun had just set and he had just arrived . He stood there taking in the sights . He had been here once when he was little with his parents but not much was remembered from that time . " Beautiful , " He said aloud . A man steeped up behind him . Daniel was so lost in his thoughts he didn 't hear the man step up behind him But he did hear the gun cock . " I 'm sure you would , " Daniel said turning . He kept his hands where they could be seen . He saw the man was a Captain in the Air Force . " Yes , I did say that to him didn 't I ? I 'm surprised he remembered , " Daniel said as the car door was opened for him . " Aren 't you a nice first date , opening the door for me ? Hope you know it won 't get you fucked . " " Come nicely , " Was all the man said . Daniel and the man were the only ones in the car , Daniel in the back seat and the man driving . They drove to a hotel close to the local airport . He was put in a room alone and left there . Still handcuffed he looked around the room . Everything that could be used as a weapon had been removed . Daniel laughed at this . " I 've got the Air Force scared of me . Little ol ' Doc Jackson has the Air Force treating him like some lethal weapon . Of course , they don 't need to know about the training my friends at the dig gave me or the base . Get these cuffs off and O ' Neill will be singing a higher note for a while . " Of the three Daniel hated Teal ' c the least . He was an alien and couldn 't go anywhere on Earth with out an SGC member . Jack on the other hand took him in and made him his friend then left him . Sam was the one who believed in him only to ditch him at the first chance . An hour later , he heard voices outside his door . " He was easy to get , Sir , made no attempts to escape . Has been quiet in the room since , " The man who took him said . His voice a little timid , Daniel laughed at the Captain , scared of Jack O ' Neill was something he had got over long ago . " Yes , Sir . " The door opened and Jack stepped in . Sam and Teal ' c were next . Daniel turned to look at them . His hands behind his back since he was handcuffed , it made him look slightly dignified . " Turn , let 's see the hands , " Jack said . Daniel chuckled as he showed that his hands were empty . " Carter , check him for anything . " " Fine , Teal ' c . " Daniel stood passively as Teal ' c checked him over for any weapons . He found the knife in the boot and the box cutter in his belt . Teal ' c handed them to Jack . " Nice weapons . Seems you 've learned to take care of your self . That was good back in Cairo . A Jaffa , an Air Force Major , and a Colonel , " Jack said as he looked at the knife , no blood on it . " Yeah , that too , " Jack said . Twenty minutes later , they were aboard a private jet the Air Force uses . Once in the air they removed Daniel 's cuffs . Jack was surprised Daniel hadn 't complained about the handcuffs . " How long has the SGC been open after Kinsey got it shut down ? " Daniel asked Jack who sat across from him after Jack removed the handcuffs . Sam and Teal ' c were playing cards at the other end of the plane . " A few weeks , Deep Space Radar saw them and reported it to us . We went and got Teal ' c then went looking for you . Kinsey still didn 't believe it was the Goa ' uld . He said it could be some meteor . Then we got pictures back : Two mother ships . " " No . We tried couldn 't get a lock . " Then silence was back between the men , neither looking , nor wanting to look at the other . Sam and Teal ' c watched them from the corner of their eyes . " What happened ? " Doctor Janet Fraiser asked as she saw Daniel and Jack enter the infirmary . She almost didn 't recognize Daniel . Jack had a bleeding nose and mouth and Daniel in handcuffs with a swollen eye and a few cuts . " Why is Doctor Jackson in handcuffs ? " " My hands liked the feel of hitting Colonel O ' Neill in the face , " Daniel said with apparent joy in his voice . Janet gasped . Jack surged after Daniel . Daniel kicked him square in the balls , since he couldn 't use his hands . " I have no hands so I kicked him . In what 's left of his dick . " Jack tried to get out of the airman 's hold . " Don 't worry , General . I don 't mind . His ego needs boosting since he 's lacking . " Jack made to get off the bed . The airmen shoved him back down . " Both of you , not another word , " Hammond said . He didn 't understand this . These two men used to be best friends . Now they act like bitter enemies . " Major , what happened ? " Janet moved to Jack feeling that there was no damage done to Daniel . A nurse was cleaning up the few cuts Daniel had on his face . " The whole flight was good until the last hour . Daniel didn 't talk . We removed the cuffs for a while then replaced them when we got close . Teal ' c and I played cards . Daniel and Colonel O ' Neill sat across from each other not talking . Thirty minutes out , I hear Daniel screaming ' Get off me you motherfucker . ' Then I hear a thud . I find Daniel 's eye swollen and the Colonel on the floor holding his … with nose and mouth bleeding . I don 't know what happened . Neither will talk but it seems that Daniel insulted Colonel O ' Neill 's manhood . " " I see . Doctor , clean them up . Take Doctor Jackson to the V . I . P . room and have Colonel O ' Neill taken to the briefing room . " I was trying to be nice . I 've been gone two years . I asked him if he had a girlfriend . He said no one since Sara . We talked . He and I talked for a while , neutral things . Then he made a few comments on my sex life . I got defensive , " Daniel said while he sat at the table in the briefing room drinking a cup of coffee . His eye was not as swollen but it would be a hell of a black eye for a few days . " I 'm bisexual , General . He made a comment about not getting enough with women so I had to fuck men . I said that he 's just jealous because he can 't even buy sex . It all went to hell from there . Luckily , I was taught how to defend myself in any situation by my friends in Cairo . " He left out whom the friends were . " I see . Now we need to talk about the Goa ' uld invasion in the other reality . Show them in , " Hammond said to the airman who stood at the door . Daniel kept his eyes on the table he didn 't look up . Jack didn 't look around he just looked at the General as he filed in , and as always Sam and Teal ' c followed him . Teal ' c took a seat next to Daniel and Jack and Sam sat across from them . They had figured out that Daniel could stand to be near Teal ' c . When everyone was seated , Daniel told his tale . " I don 't know much . I wasn 't allowed to see all that much of the base and what was happening . General O ' Neill kept me guarded at all times . I know they take out all the major cities of Earth from orbit and then they land a ship on the mountain but that Earth was only attacked by one ship . Since I didn 't go to Abydos I guess Sha 're and Skaara were never taken , so no Klorel . This fact changes much of what I know and that Teal ' c was leading the assault on Earth . So we have a better chance but not to use those coordinates . " " I am an American citizen ! You can 't keep me here ! " Daniel said moving towards Hammond . Jack and Sam moved to block Daniel from him . Hammond stood up to look at the young man . " I 'm sorry . I have my orders . You are to stay here . Please follow Captain Levvy to your room . " Hammond motioned at the door . He gave up . There was no way he could take three officers and a Jaffa and get out of the base . " The V . I . P . room for very important people , hah , if I was important I wouldn 't have been sent away . " He picked up a pillow and threw it against the wall . " Why couldn 't you all have left me the fuck alone ! ? " He screamed . " Listen I know your mad . None of us wants to keep you here . It was supposed to be : collect you , get the info , and return you to your life but the higher ups changed their mind . They didn 't want to let you go once they had you . " " Well we weren 't sure of the reaction we 'd get , " Jack said . He stayed near the door . If Daniel blew his top Jack wouldn 't be able to get away very fast . " Yeah , well , anyone at the base could have told you where I was . I have had a few thrills with a few of the men there . " Jack looked up at Daniel , surprise in his eyes . He thought that was a ruse to get him to go away . " Yeah , it 's late . I 'll have them send some food over . " Jack walked out . Daniel didn 't say thanks . He didn 't need to in his mind . Jack , Sam , and Teal ' c had a lot to make up for . " Sir , he needs to contact the couple he stayed with in Cairo . They could cause some trouble if they think he is being treated unfairly , " Jack said sitting in a chair across from Hammond in Hammond 's office . They had brought Daniel to the base near three days ago . Since the briefing and the conversation Jack and Daniel had , he hadn 't talked to anyone . The Airmen bring his food three times daily and they had put a coffee pot in his room . Jack had had some books delivered to his room and for a few hours a day , he was taken to work out . Jack had heard some nurses talking the other day , about the longhaired man working out . When one of the nurses said it was Doctor Jackson , the others thought she was joking . Most people at the base didn 't know him . " Yes , I know . You can take him to place the call . Jack , you know I don 't like having to do this , " Hammond said sullenly . " Yes , Sir , he knows as well but he was happy , as happy as he could be and Sir , SG - 3 returned this morning . It seems that Sha 're is dead . Apophis loved her so much she was returned to Abydos to be buried . I don 't know how he knew but he did . I was thinking we could take him to her grave . " Jack hoped that Hammond would agree . Daniel needed it right now , more than anything . " Sir , " Jack said leaving the room . He went to the V . I . P . room . He knocked and didn 't hear anything . He knocked again . He was about to walk away when he saw something under the door . He reached down and touched it . It was blood . He tried to open the door but something was holding it shut . He saw an airman walking down the hall " Get me Sgt . Siler now ! " The man took off at a run . Jack tried the door again but nothing . Then the pool got bigger . He ran and hit the medical emergency button then called Doctor Fraiser . Then he called the security office on level 16 . " Not at the current but let 's check it . He 's sitting by the door like he has been for the past half hour Sir . " The man thought nothing of this . " I don 't know . There 's blood under the door but I can 't get it open . Daniel seems to be lying against it . I don 't want to hurt him more . He 's been like this for the past half and hour . The guards thought he was just sitting like that . We don 't know how much blood seems he 's sitting on it . Where 's Siler ? ! " " Get this door open ! " Ten minutes later Siler slowly removed the door while Jack held Daniel upright . A nice sized gash was on the back of his head . The door handle had blood on it . Jack picked Daniel up and laid him on the gurney while Janet checked him over . " He 's breathing 's good . His pulse is somewhat shallow . I won 't know anything for a while , " Janet said , her voice wispy . Then the medics were gone . He noticed for the first time Hammond , Teal ' c , and Sam . " I don 't know , Sir . I was coming to tell him about Abydos and the call . I knocked and got nothing . Then I saw the blood . I tried to open the door but couldn 't . I had the security office tell me . Seems he had been leaning on the door for a good half and hour before I came . He didn 't lose very much blood considering . I want to go look at those tapes , Sir . " " Go , " Hammond said . Jack went to level sixteen and Hammond , Sam , and Teal ' c went to the infirmary . Twenty minutes later , Jack joined them . Daniel wasn 't in the room though . " He chipped his skull and needs stitches . We won 't know if any brain damage happened until he wakes up . He 's in the OR , " Sam said . " Well it seems he fainted or something . I think he was heading for the door because he felt bad . On the way down , he hit his head on the doorknob , a freak accident . " No one said anything . Jack started to mess with a few of the things around the room , until Janet walked in . He dropped the cup he was playing with and walked over to the group . Daniel was wheeled in on a bed and hooked up to monitors . " No swelling . I have him sedated for right now . He will wake up on his own in a few hours . Now he may have some memory loss , but not much . Maybe the last few weeks or so , so I will have him restrained . It might help if someone talked to him . " Janet left them to fill out the paperwork . " Sir , he doesn 't seem to like me . Maybe you should stay . He seems to be able to tolerate you , " Sam said a sad smile on her face . " Yeah , I will call when he wakes up . Wild horses won 't take me away . If he didn 't think I cared for him before , he will think I do now . " Sam didn 't say anything and walked out . Jack moved to sit in the chair beside Daniel 's bed . Daniel 's head was wrapped in gauze and his face was very pale . An hour later , he still sat there . Janet walked out . " Very slim . It wasn 't that bad of a hit . I 'd say at the most he will have forgotten the last month or so , if he forgets anything at all . " Jack just nodded . Janet left him there . She remembered the closeness of SG - 1 . One member injured and you couldn 't get Jack away and with the circumstances of his return , she thought that Teal ' c would be the one to stay . She moved into her office and shut the door . Anything Jack said would be kept private . Twenty minutes later , Daniel started to move . It didn 't take him long to wake up . He looked around ; not really seeing anything since his contacts had been removed and his glasses were not on his face . " Sal , where the hell are my glasses ? Why am I tied to the bed ? I know full well I didn 't bring anyone home last night . Sal ! " Jack stood there . He didn 't know what to say . " Uh , well , the SGC . " Daniel 's eyes went wide . He looked around . He could focus is eyes a little and saw that he was indeed in the SGC . " Daniel , please calm down . You have a head injury . I don 't want you to split your stitches , " She said trying to calm him down . " I ask again , what the hell did you do to me ? " Daniel said in a calm controlled voice . Janet handed him a pair of his glasses . He put them on and for the first time saw Jack . " Get him the hell out of here ! " " Colonel , go . I won 't have you aggravating my patient . " Daniel watched him go . " Daniel , you were here when you hit your head . You have been here three days . You fainted from not getting enough sleep and hit the doorknob on the way down . Due to your injury , you have had some memory loss . To you what 's the date ? " " See you have lost I 'd say about three weeks . It 's June 25th . Now your memories will slowly come back . Are you going to be fine if I unstrap you ? " " Yeah , Janet , I 'll be fine but keep Colonel O ' Neill and the rest of SG - 1 away from me . " She saw the man they originally brought here was back . He hated this place and all it did to him . " Come in , " He said looking up from the paper he wasn 't reading . Jack stepped in . Hammond motioned for him to sit down . " What can I do for you ? " " Daniel 's awake , Sir . He uh , has no memory of anything of the past few weeks . Not the first airmen we sent to find him , nor us kidnapping his and his arrival here is gone as well and he is not in a good mood . Fraiser 's waiting for you to talk to him . He said that none of SG - 1 is to visit him and since he is her patient , she is holding that . She doesn 't want him ripping his stitches . He 's eating now . " Jack had a haunted look on his face . " We uh had a nice thing going . He didn 't yell at me or curse . Now it 's gone . I had hoped he wouldn 't forget anything . It 's just made things worse . " " Go home , Jack . Take a day or two . Let Doctor Jackson calm down . I am still trying to get it so we can release him . The Pentagon thinks it 's a good idea to keep him here , as does the president . " " It 's like with the Tollan but this time Daniel can 't save himself . " Jack stood and left . He stopped at Teal ' c 's room to tell him that he is not to go near the infirmary since Daniel doesn 't want to see him . He talked at little longer to Sam . Then he changed and went home and drank until he passed out . The General called and left him a message that he could take a few days instead , since he wasn 't needed . SG - 1 had become just a team that went in when it was needed . When he woke up , he played the message and laughed . Yes , that meant a few more days of drinking . Sam and Teal ' c walked into the infirmary . They had found messages that Daniel wanted to see them . Jack was on his last day of down time . They didn 't see anyone on the bed that Daniel had been assigned . " I won 't bite , " Daniel said walking from the restroom . He was actually smiling . Something he hadn 't done since they found him . " I promise . " " Yeah , I am , " He said while pulling back . He clasped Teal ' c on the shoulder . " I have had a lot of time to think about everything . I may have reacted a little extreme . Why don 't we spend sometime sitting in here talking ? After Sam gets me some coffee . " " Daniel , you still have it . You can wrap us around your finger . " Daniel laughed and sat down on the side of the bed . He patted the seat beside him motioning for her to sit down as well . " Well , I didn 't have a really good childhood . I don 't talk about it often . After my parents were killed , I was bounced from foster home to foster home . After a while , I started to act defensive at some . I didn 't want to fall for the family and then have to leave again . When I was kicked out of here , they came back . I became that ten - year - old little boy who had seen too much hurt to care about those around him . Sal and Susie helped a little but you guys coming back after me . Well it kinda made it come back . " Teal ' c came back in and handed Daniel a cup of coffee . " Thanks , Teal ' c . " Daniel took a drink of his coffee . A look of pure bliss went over his face . Sam had missed seeing that look on his face . " Also General Hammond would like you to come by his office when you are released from the infirmary . He has something he would like to talk to you about . " Daniel shook his head . " Janet said that if my blood work looked good I could be released today . She is checking it now . God , I hope so . I am so sick of being in here . You know Siler has been in here four times in three days . He sure gets hurt a lot . " " You missed it a few weeks ago . Colonel O ' Neill accidentally knocked him off the ladder leading to the control room . He had a concussion and a sprained wrist . The General about killed him . Siler is staying away from him right now , " Sam said laughing . Teal ' c was even smiling . " I can imagine . " Daniel laughed and drained the cup . Two seconds later , Janet walked in . She saw Daniel with Sam sitting beside him , Teal ' c standing to the side . All three had happy looks on their face . She smiled . " Home , General Hammond gave him a few days . He should be back tomorrow , " Sam said . " So is our boy getting out of the infirmary ? " Daniel stood at the door of what used to be his office . It was almost the same as the day he had left it . He looked at everything . The picture of his on the camel , the picture of Sha 're , and a team picture . He couldn 't find any words to say . " Well Daniel . I need to go . SG - 5 brought back an object . It 's giving off some power readings . You need to stop by later . It has writings on it . " Sam walked out . " Yeah , I know the feeling Teal ' c . " Teal ' c nodded and left . Daniel walked around the room for a few more minutes then went to General Hammond 's office . He knocked and was told to come in . " You were very much missed . The program has been up for about a month and a half . It took us that long to find you . The SG teams have been bringing back many artifacts . Stuff that you could do in hours takes others days . Once you are cleared and checked out , you will be rejoining SG - 1 and going on missions . I understand you are a more capable fighter , " Hammond said slightly praising the man . " I have had some training in the area since I left here . " Daniel didn 't offer anymore . The military didn 't need to know that while he was in Cairo he spent every Saturday and Sunday training with the people on the base and other times training with the diggers , who taught him things the Air Force couldn 't , though some of the Airmen taught him a few things that shouldn 't be done in public . " Dismissed . " Daniel stood and left the office . He made his way to his office . Then detoured to Sam 's he would help here then go to train with Teal ' c . These next few months would test his resolve . Before he left Cairo , a few of the airmen at the base had almost talked him into joining the military . Maybe due to his work here he would be able to skip a few steps but that was the future . Daniel knew to plan for the future but don 't spend all his time on it . Because it never worked out the way one wanted it . " So I can leave the base for a few hours ? " Daniel asked as he buttoned up a dress shirt that had been bought for him since none of his old clothes fit anymore . He stood in the locker room with only Hammond as company . " What , General , don 't trust me ? And I thought you knew me better than that . " Daniel 's tone was light and joking . It had been a week since Daniel had awoken up after the accident . He gave help where he could and seemed fine . It took two days to get him memories back . He had decided that he should just make it so they didn 't need him then he could go home , and that his attitude was just getting in the way . He could be happy here again . Sal and Susie knew he was staying . They said that he would always have a place on their team . They would write and tell him where ever they moved to . Then maybe he could get on with his life . He wanted to get off the base for one reason . Jack had been avoiding him . All Daniel wanted to say was sorry . He and Sam were on speaking terms again . Teal ' c , Sam , and he had a nice long talk the day he got out of the infirmary . He understood their reasons for not seeing him and they understood his reason for leaving . It was a truce of sorts . In the end , Daniel forgave them . He had never really thought about the time before he left the SGC . In his 21 - month absence from America , he never thought about his life in America . Now that he was back , he wanted to make the best of it . He wanted to save Earth from the Goa ' uld . In essence , Doctor Daniel Jackson was back but he kept the hair , he liked it long , and the contacts . He wanted reminders of what had happened in his life . Everyone in the SGC was happy that he was happy again . They had seen Daniel in the workout room . They really didn 't want him angry anymore . " Well , son , if it were up to me I would give you a car and let you go where you want but the Pentagon doesn 't want you to leave and they don 't trust you . May I ask where you are going to go ? " Hammond was glad that the old Doctor Jackson was back . It meant not having to watch what you say . " Well , Sir , I was hoping I could go see Jack . I really need to talk to him and he is avoiding me on the base . I thought if I caught him at home he couldn 't . " " I will have a car drop you off . I will give you a cell phone so you can call when you are ready to return to the base . If all is resolved , you may stay the night with Colonel O ' Neill . I remember you two doing that a lot . Pizza nights , I think they were called . " He handed Daniel the phone . " Yes , General , we did do that a lot . I am sorry for how I acted . Let 's just say that I have some issues of being left alone . " Sorrow flashed through Daniel 's eyes . " It 's understandable , son . Now get out of here and son , watch his fists . Your black eye didn 't look that good the other week , " Hammond said laughing . " I know , Sir . I only did it to myself , while trying to protect my heart . " Daniel waked out of the locker room . Sam stood there . Jack sat watching a game on his T . V . He had made himself sick a few days ago so he drank no beer , only coffee and soda . He had been watching this game for an hour when he saw the car pull into his drive . He heard a car door open then shut , and the car pulled out . He thought this strange . He stood to get to the door . Wondering who thought they could stay here and not need a ride home . The coffee cup in his hand fell when he opened the door . The sarcastic comment died before it reached his lips . " You know Jack that was a waste of perfectly good coffee , " Daniel said smiling . Something he hadn 't done while in the presence of Jack for two years . " Sam dropped me off . I was given a few hours outside the base for good behavior . So can I come in ? " " Jack , its 7 : 00 , and we need to talk . Don 't worry . I won 't bite or yell . " Daniel flashed him the smile that used to make Jack happy to know he had put it on Daniel 's face . Now it just reminded him of the shit he had been to Daniel . He had been avoiding him for the last few days so that he could think of something to say to the man but him showing up here unannounced made him forget everything he had thought about . " So , do you have a beer for me ? " " Yeah , I 'll go get it . Make yourself comfortable . " Jack waved him towards the living room . Once in the kitchen he saw the phone . " Hey , how about some food ? " " You got it , " Daniel said as he looked around the room . Everything was the same as the last time he had been here . Pictures of his family , pictures of friend , and pictures of his team they are spread all over the room . He saw a new picture . One that he now remembered being taken . It was of Jack and him . They are standing outside by the grill . It was the last barbeque before their trip to the alternate reality . A few weeks after Jack and Sam were saved from Antarctica . Before he was thrown out of the program with everyone saying he was crazy . Then Jack walked back in and handed him a beer . " Yeah , takes a good amount to get me drunk . You can thank my friends at the dig . I think last count was about ten shots of whiskey to get me to be funny on my feet . They took it as their job to make me able to drink a lot of alcohol . After two beers and I was drunk the first time we went drinking . " " Jack , I 'm sorry . " This surprised Jack . He nearly dropped his beer . " I was out of line in my treating of you and everyone else " " Daniel , I could have believed you or at least tried harder . Or came to see you before you felt you had to leave . Hell , I could have done anything . Let 's agree that both parties in this made mistakes . Let 's start with a clean slate . " " Yes , this planet , K ' tau , has a place where we may be able to contact the Asgard . Now from what I have been able to tell they were part of the alliance of aliens from Ernest 's planet . They may help us fight the Goa ' uld . " " I don 't know about that stuff but if Daniel thinks that it 's worth a try let 's try it . We only have a month until they arrive . We can 't afford not to try it . " " Who 's hungry ? " Jack said to his friends . They had been on K ' tau for two days and in that time only ate their MRE 's . They all were ready for some real food . " I could eat some real food , " Daniel said . He took lead . He knew that trying to get to the commissary before Jack would make Jack mad . " But Jack you ate the last of the Mac and Cheese . That means you are fuller than us . So we get to eat first . Your rules of offworld eating , " Daniel said walking into the elevator . Jack grumbled but let everyone enter the elevator . He had made that rule . Who ever ate last off world ate last in the commissary . This was just the first time it had been used against him . " We want to thank you , Thor , " Daniel said aboard the Asgard ship the Biliskner . Apophis and Klorel 's ships had just been destroyed around Earth space . It had taken nearly a month of negations for the Asgard to trust the people of Earth enough to help them . Apophis was about to attack when the ship had appeared in Earth space . Seconds later , SG - 1 had disappeared from the control room in a flash of light . This surprised every one of the members . It took a few seconds for them to see the Asgard people around them . " Still you didn 't have to save us . We weren 't sure you actually would , " Jack said . " But we are grateful . Very grateful . " " We will return you to your world now . " The light flashed again and they were in the briefing room . Two airmen stood with their guns out . Walter had dropped his cup of coffee and Hammond nearly fell out of his chair . " Well we will debrief in an hour . Doctor Jackson , a word . " Daniel followed Hammond into his office . " It has been approved . You leave in three days for Washington . You will be gone for about two months . " " Thank you , Sir . " Daniel left the room to go to his office . After this , he knew he would finally be able to live off the base . Jack , Sam , and Teal ' c stood in the briefing room waiting on General Hammond . They knew that this was to get their replacement forth , since Daniel was taking a two - month vacation after the attack on Earth had been thwarted . It was said he was taking it so he could get his life in order . Get a house , get his stuff from Cairo , say goodbye to everyone there . Jack didn 't believe it . He had seen Hammond and Daniel talking too many times and Daniel was never home in the recent weeks since the attack . Hammond walked in . A man came behind him . He stood tall and wore glasses . He had dark hair and even facial hair . The remaining members of SG - 1 all said to themselves . " Nothing like Daniel at all . " " SG - 1 , this is Robert Rothman . Doctor Jackson picked him himself . He will be filling in on SG - 1 until Doctor Jackson returns . " Hammond left to let the members of SG - 1 talk with their newest . " Yes , yes , I did . I was his research assistant , " Rothman said , his voice slightly cracking . He stared at Jack with a little bit of fear in his eyes . " Be ready in an hour , Rothman . We have a mission to P8D - 243 . Don 't forget anything . We don 't come back for nothing , " Jack said as Rothman stood from the chair he had sat in . " Daniel handpicked him , huh ? How many missions do you think he will last ? " Jack asked leaning on the table beside Sam . Teal ' c cocked his eyebrow at Jack 's words . " I think he will last as long as we need him . We have a light schedule . I can 't wait to get back from this mission . We have two weeks down time , remember ? " " Yes , two weeks of putting my feet on a cooler , casting into my lake , and sipping cold ones . " Jack 's eyes became slightly glazed at the prospect of fishing . He just wished that Daniel were around to come with him . Teal ' c was going and Sam had declined to go , saying she wanted to spend time with her bother Mark . Two months to the day SG - 1 filed into the briefing room to see a man dressed in his dress blues and saluting General Hammond in his office . He wore the full outfit down to the cap . His face was turned so that no one could see his face . " Must be the new recruit . A Major . A few of the people were talking about him . I guess he 's a doctor as well . Or at least a PhD , " Sam said looking at the man . She wondered what his job would be around here . " Great just what we need , another Major - Doctor around this place , " Jack said half joking and half meaning it . Sam didn 't comment at this . She knew that Jack just hated scientists . " I believe that it is archeology , Major Carter . I heard a few people talking about him as well . The nurses in the infirmary also liked him when they gave his a check up this morning . " " So , Daniel has competition in his affection of the nurses , " Jack said . Hammond motioned for the man to step out into the room . Sam and Jack didn 't look at the man . They were looking at the General . His face was calm , almost a serene look , a look not seen on his face for a while , well before the leaving of Daniel the first time . " Colonel O ' Neill , Major Carter , and Teal ' c , this is your new fourth . He has just recently become of rank in the military . He went from civilian to Major in just a couple of months , " Hammond said knowing this would get a reaction out of his flagship team , or at least half of it . Teal ' c probably wouldn 't understand it all that well . " Sir , that is unheard of , " Jack said standing straight up . The Major stayed hidden behind the General . " What about Daniel ? Did he decide not to come back ? " " Yes , well due to the Major 's value to this program he was given a rank that would give him respect in this base . He seemed to have been lacking that when he left , " Hammond said . He paused to look at the three faces in front of him . Two held shock , Hammond knew that Teal ' c knew his identity but none of the two recognized his face , yet . " As to Doctor Jackson , he will continue to work here . Major ? " The Major stepped out to stand at attention in front of Jack , Sam , and Teal ' c . Teal ' c already knew who it was , being in the infirmary when he had had his checkup . Sam nearly collapsed when she saw who it was . It took Jack longer . " Daniel ? " Jack said . His voice held disbelief . Standing in front of his was Doctor Daniel Jackson in dress blues with medals according him the rank of Major in the United States Air Force . " I will leave you four to talk . " Hammond turned and left . Daniel still stood in the perfect posture befitting a Major in the presence of a Colonel . " While I was in Cairo , I made friendly with the base . I used to train with a few of the men there . I was actually thinking of joining long before you showed up . Since I couldn 't go into boot camp because of my job here the Air Force , Pentagon , and the President all decided that I would join anyway . I have been away for two months while they watched me and decided what rank I would be given , Sir . " Daniel enjoyed Jack 's slight discomfort . " Wanted it to be a surprise , Teal ' c saw me in the infirmary this morning . I was getting my check up as accords first day on the base . He showed no reaction but Doctor Fraiser 's was classic . I think she nearly fainted , " Daniel said a smile tingeing his face " Yeah , she isn 't the only one , " Jack said . " And it 's a surprise alright . I think I am going to go do some work . " Jack walked out of the room . He needed time to wrap the fact that Daniel was now military around his mind . Once out of the room Sam stalked around Daniel . " I need to change . Seems SG - 7 brought back a tablet and no one can translate it . " For fun , Daniel snapped off a salute at Sam before leaving . This only made Sam laugh . She actually thought this might make things better for him on the base . As long as no one found out his little secret but she didn 't think that would get him kicked out of the mountain . He was way too valuable . " Why it 's Doctor Jackson . I thought you got the idea and had left for good . " Daniel eyed him up . He also saw that his rank was only that of a Captain and it seems that he hadn 't heard that Daniel was now a Major . Daniel was going to enjoy this . " No , Captain , I am still here and I would think you would show respect for a superior officer , " Daniel said standing . The man looked at Daniel 's nametag , which read Major Jackson . He sputtered for a minute and then saluted him . Daniel let him hold it a minute before saluting . " I 'm sorry , Sir . " He walked away . Daniel sat back down laughing . Jack came in a few seconds later looking behind himself . He grabbed some food then sat down opposite Daniel . " Did you see Captain Agraves ? He looked as though someone pissed in his food , " Jack said . They had talked about the fact that they would act normal around each other earlier . Jack didn 't see a reason to change that now , just because Daniel now held rank , showing respect when needed in front of the brass , as Jack put it . Much like Jack and Sam had done , after a while . " Well verbal punching bag . Me . He just smarted off to me . I don 't think he got the news about me being a Major yet . I had to reprimand him . Kinda couldn 't get out of here fast enough . " Jack laughed . He could see Daniel doing that , woe to any Captains and below who step on his toes . His verbal abuse now would be turned on them ten fold and they have to stand there and listen to it . " Yeah , Jack . That 's it , " Daniel said . He stood to go back to work . " Well I 'll see you bright and early tomorrow . We have that mission , remember , Sir . " " I would have thought you 'd have heard about it . I mean I was in Washington for the whole thing . You are the liaison between the SGC and the Pentagon , " Daniel said starting to pack up his stuff to go home . " So would I . Must be in a memo I didn 't read before coming here . How 'd the Colonel take it ? " Paul said while sitting down to wait for Daniel to pack up his office for the night . " I think if I had approached him outside the SGC about it first he may have fainted , or cussed up a storm . Sam was happy and was Teal ' c . I like it , " Daniel said while shutting off the lights in his office . " We are of equal rank . I think Jack needs some time to get used to me calling him ' Sir ' . Ready ? " Even though Daniel had just eaten , he was still hungry . Food from the commissary could only do so much and he was in the mood to celebrate . It would be a week before SG - 1 went on a mission with Major Jackson . Everyone in the base was shocked to hear about what Daniel had become . After the program was shut down , many went back to their old standings . When it was reopened most came back . Those who remember what Daniel was like before never thought he could become military but he did . Some of the civilians called him a traitor , but never to his face . Daniel was still Daniel . In the briefings , he acted as he used to . Interrupting when he got the chance and putting his opinions out there . General Hammond had told him that he didn 't mind . Daniel was primarily an archeologist , anthropologist , and linguist and his military training came in second . Teal ' c still called him Daniel Jackson . Sam still called him Daniel and well Jack called him Jackson much like he had that first mission so long ago but when he is pissed or exasperated with him it 's ' Daniel ! ' Especially off world . The little thing about his sexuality was pushed under the rug and no one who knew talked about it . Daniel knew how to be discreet . He didn 't really want any relationships anyway . Not right now . His wife 's death was still to very near . Mainly his only partners in Cairo were from the base so he got used to it . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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Recent Comments Bob on Bugout ! California Part 118 … Bob on Bugout ! California Part 117 … Bob on Bugout ! California Part 116 … Bob on Bugout ! California Part 115 … Bob on Bugout ! California Part 114 … Archives June 2017 I 'll never forget the first time I climbed the dark steps into the Brighton Hotel lobby . The air smelled of cigar smoke and decay . The lobby had only two windows , both at the end of hallways , and both too far away from the center to provide much light . The worn wooden floor had an old Persian rug covering the middle . Thick white threads showed where it was worn all the way through . There was an old TV sitting in the back of the room , and two battered couches forming an L in the middle of the room , both oriented to see the screen . The main light came from a booth that had a metal cage around it . The cigar smoke emanated from behind the cage . " What do you want , son ? " asked the man sitting behind the cage . He was chomping the smoldering cigar as he talked . A naked light bulb above him lit the booth in dirty yellow . " Thanks , " I said . I walked over the door marked ' Room 12 ' and knocked . There was movement inside the room , and the glass doorknob turned , sounding loose and fragile . I looked around the room . It was a decent size . In the middle of the room was an ancient brass bed , which had been painted many times over . Harry sat down on it , and the springs squeaked . To the left of the bed was a small round sink , with a rubber plug dangling from a chain wrapped around one of the two faucets . There was a cracked mirror above the sink . The window was opposite of the bed , and it gave a nice view of Cabrillo Street , with the Ding How Café across the street . Under the window was an old radiator which , like the brass bed , had been painted many times . " They won 't let you put one of those in here . Not even a small one . They say the wiring can 't take it if everybody gets a fridge . There 's one out by the lobby , but things get ripped off from there . " " Look at these , " he said . " My mom used to throw this stuff away , but now I can have them . " He handed me a couple . One was a ' Sex to Sexty ' comic book , and the other one was a cheaply shot full nude magazine . I thumbed through them . The picture magazine had graphic shots of women below the waist , something I hadn 't seen yet . " Well , I am eighteen , you know , " Harry said . " But it doesn 't even matter . They don 't care . I just showed my draft card and that was enough . It doesn 't even have a picture on it . " I tried to look cool , but my head was spinning . At sixteen , this was all racy and exciting to me . The neighborhood and this building were suddenly intoxicating too . It was total lack of supervision , coupled with raging hormones . It was pretending to be a grown up , and looking at things that I wasn 't supposed to . " I need to get a car . Taking the bus sucks . I was late to work last week , and my boss said he 'd fire me if it happens again . I can 't get fired . So now I go way early . " " Sure , Ed . " Harry got off the bed , got out his wallet , and pulled the bills out . He handed them to Ed , who was still chomping on a big cigar . " Alright , kids . Don 't do anything I wouldn 't do . " He flashed a wicked grin , and then left the room , closing the door behind him . We left Harry 's room . I looked around the lobby . There were several men sitting on the couches watching TV . They all looked over as the light from Harry 's room washed over them . There were two men sitting on one couch , drinking something out of bottles which were hidden in paper bags . There was an older man lying on the other couch . He got up when he saw us , and grinned . He looked like he was missing about half his teeth . I felt like I wanted to sink into the floor . Why do all these old guys have to joke about my long hair ? Isn 't that over yet ? I nodded , and we walked down the stairs and into the cool late afternoon air . It was almost dusk . Harry leaned up against the wall by the door on one side , and I leaned up on the other side . " Mostly . I don 't care . They really aren 't bad guys . They tell good stories too . Like Jake . He used to be a real live hobo . He rode the rails all over the country back in the thirties and forties . " " I know , " Harry said . " I won 't sit on the couches with those guys . I 've never seen any of them in the showers . Those guys are either drunk , getting drunk , or asleep . " He snickered . " The Brighton is better than most of the places around here , at least . Ed doesn 't steal , and he 'll get on anybody who does if he 's awake . That 's a lot different than the other places . " I looked around . The wall that I was leaning against was an old vacuum repair shop . The opposite wall that Harry was leaning against was an old pawn shop . The buildings here were all from the early 1900s , giving the place a feeling very much different than the rest of Torrance with its 1950s tract homes and newer department stores . " We have some time before the movie starts , so let 's take the long way over , " Harry said . We took off to the right on Cabrillo . The Crest bar was next to the Brighton . Cars filled the parking lot . " I haven 't heard any guns going off since I 've been here . Lots of really seedy looking people in there though . And old women trying to look sexy . Remember what Ed said about getting women ? " " Lots . Lots of bars , liquor stores , and used bookstores too . And creepy old department stores . Before the stores on Hawthorne , this was the place to come . " We got to the intersection with Cravens Avenue , and went right . That 's when I saw it . The big pink building stuck out like a sore thumb , with its garish sign , emblazoned with ' Pussycat ' and it 's marque with racy descriptions of what lay in wait there . My excitement built as we got closer . It was on the other side of the street , so when we got close , we looked both ways for a break in the traffic , and then ran across . " Ok , here 's what we do , " Harry said . " I 'll go in first , show my card , and pay . Then I 'll pass the card back to you . Looks like Jesse is working today . She 's cool , and she 's only about nineteen herself . " The theater was dimly lit , and the red velvet curtain was still hanging in front of the screen . There were half a dozen men in there , scattered around . At least one of them was asleep and snoring . " Let 's sit in the middle , " Harry said . " Away from the balcony . " He looked at me and laughed . I pretended to get the joke . My heart was still pounding in my chest . We made our way to the middle of a row down towards the center . I heard some laughing , and looked back towards the door . It was a group of kids about our age , joking with each other as they found seats . " I 'm glad we didn 't miss the previews , " Harry said . " Sometimes those are better than the movies . " We sat down . After a few minutes the red velvet curtain parted , and the lights were brought down . The first preview was for a movie called ' Country Cuzzins ' . It looked like a real romp , and it took only seconds for the first naked women to splash across the screen . The noisy kids in the back started laughing and clapping their hands . Harry and I looked at each other and laughed . There were several more trailers , all showing fairly light romps . Then came a scratchy looking short , about a plumber who got a little frisky with the housewife that had called him . It was silent and badly shot in garish color . The main movie was a soft - core version of ' Dr . Jekyll and Mr . Hyde ' , with a twist . When the good Doctor drank the potion , he turned into a beautiful blonde woman , who of course was a killer . Harry and I cracked up through much of the movie . I don 't remember what the second feature was . Some of these movies were more memorable than others . I remember thinking how racy these movies were at my young age , and that I had taken a big bite of forbidden fruit . Looking back on it now , these films were pretty gentle . About a year after this , the Pussycat started showing hardcore movies . That was a whole different kettle of fish . Harry and I left the theater after that feature and started back to the Brighton . It was a really dark night , and I was relieved when Harry picked the lightest route to get back . We got to the front door and climbed the long dark steps . I expected another onslaught of teasing from the old men up there . We heard snoring when we were near the top of the stairs . Everybody in the lobby was asleep , including Ed . We went to Harry 's door , and he used the old fashioned key to unlock it . We went in quietly . " OK , don 't be a stranger , " Harry said . The look on his face struck me . It was the look of a scared child . Suddenly I hated to leave him alone , but the thought of staying there made me queasy . I was ready to leave the steamy underside of Downtown Torrance and the intoxicating freedom that I felt there earlier . People didn 't live there because they wanted to . They lived there because there was nowhere else . I walked through the lobby as quickly and as quietly as I could , and sped up down the dark stairs . As I got onto the sidewalk I heard a bottle hit the asphalt over at the Crest parking lot . Then I heard a dirty laugh . I had to walk by there to get to my car , and I went as quickly as I could , trying not to look scared . A drunk old woman saw me and smiled . I sped up . I was almost to my car , which was parked in front of another one of the flop house hotels on Cabrillo called the Torrance Hotel . Suddenly I heard shouting and laughing . A car full of kids about my age was cruising down Cabrillo , making obscene comments to anybody they saw . They shouted something at the Torrance Hotel . I saw somebody get on the fire escape . It was an old man , heavy set with boxers and a tank top on . He pointed a snub - nosed revolver at the kid 's car . They sped off . The man looked down at me as I approached my car . He shook his head , and then got back inside . My heart was going a mile a minute . I fumbled with the lock on my car door , and got in . I turned the ignition key . The starter took what seemed like forever to get the engine running . I took off at a good clip , in a panic to get back onto home turf . I didn 't settle down until I was west of Torrance High on Carson Street . I was back into the gentle safe world of the American middle class . I went back to visit Harry many times , but after this night I always took some of our mutual friends with me . Harry drifted from one fast food job to another , and lived in several different places over the next couple of years . I lost track of him in about 1976 , and haven 't seen him since . I 've often wondered what became of him . And what of the Brighton Hotel ? It 's still there . The Pussycat is gone … . . knocked down to make room for condos . Few in the city lamented that . Most of Downtown Torrance remains as it was on that heady night in 1972 . I remember my first day . It was a crisp March afternoon in 1971 . Mom dropped me off , because I didn 't have my driver 's license yet . I had on my black pants and black shoes as instructed , and was freshly showered . I took a deep breath , and knocked on the side door . It opened after a few long seconds . The smell of frying beef and toasted buns and ketchup flowed over me . " Are you James ? " the man asked . He was a pudgy man of about 35 , wearing a shirt and tie , with brown slacks . He had a paper hat with the company logo on his head . The hat made him look goofy . " Alright , Jim . I 'm Dick , the assistant manager , " he said . " Good to have you aboard . Sit . " He pointed to a chair next to a messy desk that was against the wall , right next to the door . I sat down on , and Dick sat down on an office chair and rolled up to the desk . He opened a drawer on his right side and fingered through files , finding mine and pulling it out . He opened it on the desk in front of him . " Well , I see that we already tested your addition skills . You passed , but without a lot of room to spare . You 'll get faster , though . " I heard somebody laughing in the front of the restaurant . I looked over to see two boys about my age in the front , with their white company shirts and their paper hats . The hats were cocked on their heads the way G . I . s would cock their hats for pictures during WW II . They were leaning on the counter , watching something out on the street beyond the glass enclosed customer area . " Hey , no grab ass out there , " shouted Dick . He turned back to me . " Don 't mind them . We have a good crew here . I don 't have to get after them too much . " " Well , that 's good . Sometimes it gets really busy here . You are turning six burgers at a time on the grill , or wrapping a tray of twenty four burgers in less than a minute . You should see it when we have the clown here . " " This is our prep and washing area . The walk - in on your left there is the fridge . We keep burgers , condiments , lettuce , tomatoes , and such in there . The smaller walk - in on the wall straight ahead is the freezer . It has the french fries , apple pies , breaded fish patties , and a few other things . " " Ice maker , sink for washing containers , cabinet that holds clean cartridges for the tartar sauce and dressing guns . We use only dehydrated onions here . Those pans on the sink counter are for that . We mix them with water and they sit overnight . " There were two doors at the end of the back wall . One of them led to some stairs . The other one led to the parking lot . Dick walked over to the stairs and I followed him . We started down into the basement . " That folds down to make a slide , " Dick said . " When we get a big delivery , we fold that open and slide the boxes down . Pretty slick , eh ? " I nodded . The basement was bigger than I expected . There were big industrial shelves along each wall . One had boxes of paper goods …… cups , napkins , bags , tray boxes , and the like . Another had large cans of pickles and mustard and ketchup . In the center of the room was a large table . Off to the right was a bank of drink syrup canisters , with clear hoses coming out of them and going up the wall and through the ceiling . There were large fat paper cartons , looking like huge milk cartons , on a shelf next to the canisters . They were labeled Coke , Orange , and Root Beer . " Everything that we store other than the cold and frozen stuff is down here . The table is for the crew to eat lunch . Oh , and there are lockers and fresh shirts over there . " He pointed behind us , under the stairs . " Leave your street shirt in one of the lockers , and grab a fresh shirt out of the bin . We have small , medium , and large . Go ahead and change . " I walked over to one of the lockers that was hanging open , took off my shirt , and put it in . I closed the door . There was no lock . Then I looked for a medium shirt in the bin . It was in a plastic bag . I opened the bag , took out the shirt , and put it on . I looked over where he was pointing and saw the bin above the shirts . I grabbed a paper hat , opened it , and put it on my head . I felt stupid wearing that thing . We went upstairs , and out into the front . It was broken into two spaces … . the grill , fryers , shake machine , bun cookers , and prep table in the back , and the sales counter area in the front . There was a large flat surface with heat lamps above the front sandwich bins that could be reached from behind the grill . A tray of hamburgers sat up there under the lights . Below the bins were trays that had hamburger and cheeseburger and fish sandwich wrappers at the ready . " There , you see how we do it . Now watch how we do it fast . He set the first wrapped burger into the holding bin . Then he quickly grabbed another one , set it down on the paper , and in what looked like one smooth motion , had the burger wrapped and set into the bin . Then he grabbed another , wrapped it and put it into the bin , and then another . " Don 't worry kid , you 'll be this fast in no time . " He finished the tray , and then slid it back towards the grill . " Guys , come here for a second . " I smiled and nodded . The boys all looked at me for a second , and then went back to what they were doing . A customer came in through the front door and walked up to the counter . Teddy , a somewhat effeminate kid , walked up to the counter . Dick motioned for me to go into the grill area . There was a big blonde kid leaning against the prep table in the back , watching the front , with a coffee stir stick in his mouth . He was older than the other kids . He looked me over as I followed Dick back there . " This is Larry , " said Dick . " He 's one of our oldest employees . Learn how to cook from this guy … . he 's great . But don 't learn everything else he does . " " C ' mon kid , let 's go in the back and do a little paperwork , and then I 'll have ' Mr . Cool ' here teach you how to make shakes . Hopefully Jan will be here soon . He 's the night assistant manager . He 'll take over your training tonight after I leave . " " A few things that I haven 't told you yet . During the week , you kids get to work after 4 : 00pm . You also get to work on weekends . There 's a schedule over there on the wall , which we set up every two weeks . You can request days off , but you have to do it before we make the schedule for that timeframe . Get it ? " " Never mind . It 's just company policy . We don 't hire girls , either . Boys only . Too many hormone problems , and too much romance . And by the way , this is a Company store , meaning that it is run by the parent company , not as a franchise . We get the new stuff first here , and this store tends to pay a little bit better than most . " " George , this is the new kid , Jim , " said Dick , standing up and acting more formally all of a sudden . " Jim , this is the Manager , George . He 's the big boss . " " Somebody went into the customer 's bathroom and shit all over the place . There 's shit on the floor , shit in the sink , and shit all over the toilet seat . Some of it was dried on , so I know it 's been there for a few hours . " " Oh , you think this is funny , do you ? " George said . " Good , then you get to clean it up . Get the mop bucket full of water and soap , and get in there . The door opened again , and a tall red - headed guy came in . He looked to be about the same age as Larry . He saw everybody gathered in the back . " Jose thought it was funny , " said George . He was starting to cool down now . " Shouldn 't you have been here about ten minutes ago , Jan ? " " Alright , guys , I 'm out of here , " he said . " Dick , get the new kid handed off to Jan and then get the hell out of here . I 'm not paying any overtime today . " " Not much , just showed him around . I 'd start him on shakes , then fish sandwiches . If he picks up fast , try him in the front . " " Right , " said Dick . He grabbed his sport coat that was hanging on a hook next to the desk . Then he took off his paper hat and put it in the trash . " See you guys tomorrow . " He went out the door . " It stands for douche bag , " Larry said . He looked over at Jan and they both cracked up . " You do know what a douche bag is , don 't you ? " I had no idea , but I didn 't want to tell them that . I just nodded yes and laughed , hoping they wouldn 't ask me anymore about it . Note to self , find out what douche bag means . " When the coffee maker quit working a couple of weeks ago , I said it was on the rag right when Harold walked out there . He said ' it 's a towel , not a rag ' , so we 've been saying on the towel ever since . That is an important part of your training . " " OK , we need to get ready for the dinner rush . Ought to be starting in a few minutes . Larry , get some new burgers started . Jose , get some fries going . The rest of you guys , red oil the counters and the bins . And Larry , after you put the meat on the grill , show Jr how to make shakes . " I followed Larry out to the grill area , and watched as he put 24 hamburger patties on the grill . They sizzled . People were starting to show up , and now there were lines at three of the counter 's five registers . Larry loaded 24 buns face up on trays and slid them into the automatic bun cooker . Then he pushed down a lever , and the heated top element came down on the buns . " Watch me , " Larry said , sounding serious for the first time . He pulled a cup out of the dispenser , and then put one squirt of Vanilla syrup into the cup by pushing down on the pump handle . Then he walked over to the ice cream machine and used it to fill the cup almost full of ice cream . Then he took that to the mixing machine , which had places for 8 cups . He slid the cup up on the first rotary mixer , and pushed it up until it clicked and the cup was held in place . Then he hit a button , which started the mixer . " The mixer will turn off after about two minutes . When it 's done , pull it off and put a plastic lid on the cup , and slide it down on that table right there for pickup . " He pointed to a wide stainless steel table with a lip all the way around to keep the cups from falling on the floor . It was cold to the touch . " Good . Make four chocolate and four vanilla shakes . Then make four strawberry shakes . You know to put the syrup in all , then put the ice cream in all , and then put the cups all on the mixer together , right " I got to work , filling all eight cups with syrup and ice cream , and putting them all on the mixers . I turned them on and watched as they mixed . Then Jan came trotting back and went around the corner by the desk . I rushed into the back . He had me help him fill a box with ketchup packets . It seemed to take forever , and I was getting worried about the shakes . I got the box filled with packets and handed it to him , and he rushed back to the front , as I rushed back to the shake machine . " Oh no ! " I said . There was shake mix flying all over the place , and you could see the mixing blades had sawed through the cups . There was shake all over the counter , and all over the floor . " " Better start over quick , " said Larry . He was trying not to laugh , which made me suspicious . Then I looked over at Jan , and he was standing by several of the other guys . They were all cracking up . " Shit , you guys set me up . " I said . Then Larry lost it , laughing so hard that he had to lean against the prep table with both hands to keep from falling down . I got everything cleaned up and got a new batch of shakes going , not looking away from them for a second . Everything was fine after that , and I made what seemed like a hundred shakes that first night . The dinner rush died down , and we got to start taking breaks . " Everybody new gets to go through that , " he said . " If you cock the cups a little to one side when they are on the mixer , the blade saws through the cups and then the shake mix gets sucked through . Neat trick . You 'll do it to somebody someday . " Aw , just coke . Nice and sticky . Just a second . " He went around to the front and filled a paper cup with coke . Then he brought it back behind the grill and kneeled down . It was then that I saw it . A hole in the floor about the size of a quarter . Jan bent one side of the cup into a sharp crease , and then poured the coke into the hole . " You cocksuckers , " he said . " I get another burger and fries for free . And somebody else is cleaning the floor . I 've done enough shit work today . " After things settled down , Larry showed me how to make fish sandwiches . It was easy . You put the breaded fish patty in a rack and drop it in the deep fryer . Then you hit a timer button , and put a bun in the steam cabinet which was under the prep table . When the timer goes off , you pull the fish rack out of the fryer and let the grease drip off . Then you pull the bun out of the steamer and put on half a piece of cheese , and a squirt of Tartar sauce on each side . Then the fish goes on , and you put the sandwich on a tray and up on the staging shelf … . except I got to eat this one . It was break time . I went down stairs with my sandwich and a drink , and made sure that I moved the table out from under the hole before I sat down . I looked over and saw her . She had on a blouse so low cut and loose that she might as well have not bothered to wear anything . When she moved , the top of her nipples showed . Teddy was trying hard to wait on her and not look at her chest . " I see you looking at my breasts . You little white kids make me sick . We can 't even go to a restaurant without you looking at us like a piece of meat . " " I was , " said Jan . " Don 't worry , kid . She wore that in order to be stared at . Did she ever pay you for the food ? " " You guys see that lady in that ridiculous top ? She goes out to the car , and takes the damn thing off , then puts on a different top , and gets into the car . You could hear her and her friend laughing all the way across the lot . " Jan started cracking up . " Teddy , you just got scammed . Don 't worry , it happens to the best of us , but if she ever shows up again , you let me know . I 'll kick her off the premises for wearing something like that . And by the way , Larry , why didn 't you say something ? You were supposed to be watching the front . " Jose collected the money from this guy . The cheeseburger was ready in a few minutes . I wrapped it , and put it in a bag . Jose picked it up and gave it to the man , and he stumbled out . " I wish I could spit out a couple of teeth … that would be perfect , " Jose said , laughing . " Yeah , I 'm OK . That guy can 't punch for shit . " " Alright , guys , that 's enough . We close in about 45 minutes , so let 's start getting things ready . Jr , you get to wash trash cans . Gather up all of the gray plastic cans and bring them in the back . " " OK , take the cans back to the dumpster and empty them good . Then bring them back in here . Squirt a little bit of disinfectant in each one , and then fill it about half way up with water from that spray nozzle on the sink . Use that brush under the sink to scrub them a little bit , and then dump the disinfectant out and rinse each one . " " Wait , " he said . Then he winked at me and grinned . " Hey , Larry , go down into the basement and bring me up two boxes of drink cups . " I saw Larry at the bottom of the stairs , caring two big boxes . They were big , and completely blocked his view forward . I nodded to Jan . He rushed over , grabbed several of the trash cans , and threw them down the stairs . Then he grabbed more and dumped them down there too . " Aaahhhhhhhhhhh ! " cried Larry as he fell backwards . I heard the boxes hitting the ground , and the sound of the trash cans continuing down the steps . " You assholes ! " " Well , the front of the store is in good shape , " he said . " I 'm surprised . But I 'm going to tell George to fire you two guys that are back here . " He went out the back door and slammed it shut . " Nobody is getting fired , " said Jan . " Harold trusts me . Don 't worry , Jim , I 'll make sure nothing happens to you . That was a heck of a first day . Jan was right , nobody got fired for the hijinks that night . I went on to become a capable crew member , and became good friends with Jan and Larry and the rest of the guys . And yes , I went on to " break in " the new guys too … . . did the shake trick more than once . I cherish the memories of that first job . Yes , there was a lot of screwing around there , but we could handle the big crowds well , and that took teamwork and knowledge of the task at hand . This job taught me how to be an employee and a team member , and that served me well in every job that I had afterward . I hated parts of this job after a while , but it was a long time before I had another job that was as much fun . The sandbar was an isthmus about a hundred yards wide , and about five hundred yards long , which jutted out from the rocky coastline of the Colorado River . It protected a lagoon from the main river , having a small opening onto the river at one end that was big enough for a boat to get through . The lagoon was a few hundred yards wide . It was perfect to swim in . The water temperature was in the mid - seventies during the spring and summer . The fast flowing open river was much colder ; it was about sixty five degrees all the time , even in the hottest parts of the summer . We would get to the sandbar early enough on the big vacation weeks to get the prime spot , which was the crotch of the isthmus . There were dense bushes at that end of the sand bar , with a clearing close to the water that was just big enough to put up a cabin tent and a sun awning . We would water ski and fish , then pull the boat up to the beach . We would disappear into the thicket to relax under the awning . It was paradise . I was an awkward boy during the days when we were camping at this spot . I was in Jr . High , but looked and acted younger than my classmates . I was short and chubby … . . definitely not a kid acceptable to the " in crowd " at school . Rock music was one of my main interests . I constantly had something playing . My parents bought me a nice portable cassette tape deck . It was a Christmas gift , and I just loved it . I recorded music off of the radio all the time , and had a good collection of tapes to bring with me to the campouts . I brought it to the sandbar during our Easter Week trip . In the late afternoon , as the breeze started to cool the air , I would set up a blanket under the outside edge of the bushes by our campground . I would play music , and watch people who were stopped to camp overnight . There were teenage girls out there , frolicking around the water in their bikinis . Of course this was very interesting to me at that age , and images of these girls stayed burned into my brain for a long time afterward . Every so often my music would draw a couple of them over . The girls would talk to me while listening . I just loved this , because few of the girls at school would give me the time of day . The music didn 't just attract young girls , though . I remember a hippie couple that came over once . I happened to be playing some psychedelic rock - Cream 's ' Wheels of Fire ' . " Cool , man , " the hippie guy said . His girlfriend had on the smallest bikini I had ever seen . She was holding a blanket . This girl was beautiful , with short black hair , a sweet smile , and a dark tan . I still remember her face after all these years . She noticed me looking at her . I got embarrassed and looked away . She smirked . I continued to listen to my music , and would glance over at them every once in a while . They were getting closer and closer to each other , and started hugging and caressing . My adolescent mind was on overdrive , hoping that I was going to see something I shouldn 't . The next time I glanced over , they were taking the blanket into the bushes . " Hey , nice tape deck , " said one of the boys . He was a couple years older than me , with short blonde hair and a wiry build . He smiled at me , but it was a smile that made me nervous . It was a mean smile . " How 's it goin ? " I said . The other boy nodded at me and smiled . He was a little bigger than the blonde kid . He had longish dark hair and glasses . He didn 't have the predatory look of his friend . I didn 't know what to say . I was hoping they would not stick around . They made me uneasy , partly because they were too old to be interested in talking to me . It didn 't feel right . " What other music do you have ? " asked Mike . I pulled the case that was next to me over to him . It was an old 45 record case that I got from a family friend . Mike pulled it over to him and opened it . " I used to be into slot cars before all the tracks shut down . I kept my car stuff in there . You use Oil of Wintergreen on the tires , to soften them up and make them sticky . " " There 's one of those on my street , " I said . " The guy who owns it burns rubber down the street whenever there is a cute girl around . " We both laughed . I saw several younger kids running towards us . They were laughing , stopping to pick up sand to throw at each other . I was relieved to see them . " Mikey and Phil , it 's time to come back to camp for dinner , " one of the young girls said . The others stood there giggling . Mike got an annoyed look on his face , and tossed the tapes back into the box . He got up . Phil looked at me and shrugged , and then got up too . Just at that moment , the hippie couple came crawling out of the brush . They looked disheveled , and the girl looked embarrassed when she saw us watching them . " Hey , did you get her ? " Mike shouted . Then he circled his thumb and forefinger on one hand , and started sawing his other forefinger in and out of it . Phil looked at the shocked look on my face , and then back at Mike . He slapped his hands down . " Shut up . That 's not cool , " he said . He looked over at the hippie guy , who was starting to walk over . " Sorry , man …… he didn 't mean anything . " " Alright , alright , " Mike said . He looked down at me . " You going to be around later ? Maybe we can mess around for a while . " They turned and left . I felt relieved . I picked up my stuff and walked back into our clearing . I sat down on a sand chair under the awning . My mom looked at me , and could tell that I was a little upset . I fished a Hi - C out and opened it . The first swig of that icy sweet nectar always tasted so good in the heat . I sat back down . The rest of the family came into the clearing - my younger sister and brother , and my Dad . They had been floating on inner tubes out in the lagoon , and were still dripping wet . My dad toweled himself off . My brother and sister didn 't bother . They both hit the ice chest for drinks , and plopped down on the chairs next to me . My brother looked over at me with a grin . " Well how about this , " Mike said . " There 's a great little canyon back on the other side of the lagoon , with a spring . Maybe we can take sleeping bags and your tape recorder back there and spend the night . It would be bitchen . " He looked over at Phil , who nodded his head in agreement . " C ' mon , Charlie , don 't be a weenie , " said Mike . He was starting to get an impatient look . I could tell he was trying really hard not to show any anger . " They wouldn 't even have to know , " Phil said quietly . " You could sneak out after dark . We 'll come get you . " Mike nodded in approval . My dad looked at me . I think he could tell I didn 't want any part of that . Then he looked at the two boys , and his eyes narrowed . Mike got a nasty look on his face . He tried to stare down my dad , but dad took a step towards him . He looked at Phil , and turned to leave . I listened to them as they were walking off . As time went by , I forgot about this incident . Then , when I was in my early thirties with kids of my own , I saw a true crime show on TV that brought me right back to the camping trip . Two older kids lured a younger kid off to spend the night in a remote part of the camping area , because he had something they wanted . They ended up killing the younger kid by bashing his head in with a rock . I 'll never forget the feeling I got when the memories of our campout suddenly washed over me . Could that have been me ? |
The next few days were really tough . Things at the club had been improving , and I had started to fool myself into believing that everything was on the up . This reminder of what I had truly thrown away knocked me back a long way . I dragged myself through training sessions , then dragged myself home where I ate and slept . I couldn 't focus on anything else , my mind was full of the mess I 'd made . At the end of that week , Mum and Dad picked me up from school , but instead of going home , we set off down the motorway , back to the city . Dad had some work things to do , and Mum wanted to see people like Lis and Nico , and Trish , and we were going to stay in a hotel . I liked staying in hotels , because they had little bottles of shampoo , and I liked having different ones from different places , like the hotel in Portugal where we were on holiday in the summer . As I sat in the back of the car , between counting red cars and singing car songs , I started to think about how I was going to be closer to both Dec and Dinosaurland , and I wondered if I was going to have a chance to do anything about my birthday plan . I had only turned six a few days ago , and although it wouldn 't be on my birthday , it might be close enough to feel like it was . I wasn 't quite sure how I was going to do it , but I knew I would have to take my chance when I saw it . When I had talked to Dec , I hadn 't realised that Mum and Dad were unlikely to help me , but now I did , which made it difficult as I was going to have to do it on my own , but I was six now , and a big boy . My mind whirred with thinking . When we came back , it was late , and I was tired , but I tried to stay awake as long as possible . I wanted to see where Dad put his phone , and where Mum put the birthday money Nico and Lis had given me . Once I knew , I went to bed without a fuss , and went to sleep , determined to wake up early . When I woke up , I got out of bed as quietly as I could and opened my door to see if Mum and Dad were still asleep . I could tell Dad was asleep , because he was snoring , and Mum had her eyes closed too . Usually , she woke up as soon as she heard a sound , so I knew I had to be super quiet . I slipped back into my room and pulled my clothes on from yesterday , then I very , very quietly picked up Dad 's phone from the table , and took the ten pounds out of the envelope that had my birthday card in it . It wasn 't stealing , because it was my money . I made very sure that nobody would think I was stealing , and if I hadn 't had my birthday money , I would have made do without any . The birthday money was only so I could buy a stegosaurus and a triceratops . I knew I should tell Mum and Dad where I was going , but it was a birthday surprise , and so I left them a clue . I 'd seen the buses go past the hotel entrance , and sometimes they stopped at the bus stop just outside , and some of the buses said ' Dinosaurland ' in lights on the front . I didn 't just want to write ' I 'm going to Dinosaurland with Dec ' , because it was more fun to leave a clue and then they could work it out , and by the time they 'd worked it out , we 'd be there , and we could all have a nice time together . I had walked behind a man and a lady , and another man and lady had come out of the door behind me . I think when I was waiting at the bus stop , they all thought I was with the others , because the bus driver didn 't ask how old I was , or ask me to pay , or where my mummy was or anything . The two lots of men and ladies sat with a seat between them , so I sat in the middle and looked out of the window , waiting to see Dinosaurland . Just as I saw it , and wondered how to get the bus driver to stop , the man in front of me pushed a button , a bell rang , and the bus slowed down . The man and lady stood up to get off , and I followed them . Once I was off the bus , I ran into the Dinosaurland car park , where I stopped suddenly , wondering what to do now . I had Dad 's phone , but if they woke up and wondered where I was , they would call me , so I looked to see if it was turned on . Dad usually left it on ' Do Not Disturb ' at night , which meant that no one could call him , but I could still play games . It looked like that was how it was now . I didn 't want to call anyone just yet , it felt too soon . I knew Dec didn 't get up very early , and Dinosaurland looked shut for now , so there was no point everyone getting here right now . Dec and Dad would both be grumpy if I made them wake up on a Saturday morning . It was cold , though , and I hoped the people would come and open up Dinosaurland soon . Maybe they would let me in so I could wait in the warm . Dec The weekend came , a home Raiders game , the need to escape and avoid . I was packing a bag for a hike when my phone rang . Looked at the screen . Beth . Apprehensive , I answered . _ He 's disappeared . We 're down here in the city , in a hotel . He 's gone . We woke up and he was … gone . _ Of course we have . They 're here now . Dec , he rang you before . He 's taken James 's phone , but it 's turned off . And he 's taken some money , we think . _ There is , but no , there 's nothing you can do . Let me know , if he calls you , won 't you . She disconnected . Heart pounding , I grabbed keys and wallet , stuffed my phone in my pocket . Whatever Beth had said , there was no way I could just get on with my day . I was going to look for him . My thoughts weren 't very formed , but on the way to the bus stop I made a vague plan of going to their old house , trying some familiar places . The bus took an age to arrive . I was about to start walking when it trundled along . The journey to the old house was painfully slow . I scanned every child I saw from the bus , heart missing a beat each time I saw a small blond boy . I got off at the stop nearest to the house . I hadn 't been here for months , and walking up the road felt strange . There was a police car outside the house . The police were obviously thinking along the same lines as me . No point looking further there . I thought about the places Cal would have gone on his own early in the morning , decided to try the play - park round the corner . It was empty . I didn 't know where Jay and Beth had stayed - probably the big hotel near Raiders Stadium . It wasn 't far away . Maybe Cal had gone to his old school , or to a friend 's house - I began to realise how difficult it was going to be to second guess him , and how much better the police were going to be at it than me . But I couldn 't just give up and go home , knowing that Cal was out there somewhere on his own . I decided to change tack and head further away . People would already have looked in the obvious places . I shied away from the thought that he might not be on his own , that someone might have taken him somehow . I caught a bus heading to the big retail park . There was a large Toys R Us which Cal had been to with me . It was as good a place as any . On the bus , lost in thought and anxiety , I nearly missed it . A large sign with an angry Tyrannosaurus Rex in full roar , underneath a scarlet header declaring DINOSAURLAND : Dream Big ! I stood up , rushed to the front of the bus and pounded on the bell , scoring some irate glances from several other passengers . The bus driver was apologetic . * Sorry , mate , can 't let you off between stops . ' How far till the next one ? ' I couldn 't sit back down . The couple of hundred metres dragged by . As soon as the bus stopped and opened its doors , I jumped off and ran as fast as I could back to the theme park . It was still early , wouldn 't be open yet . I sprinted into the empty car park , scouting ahead for small boys . Nothing at the entrance . The barriers to the park beyond were closed and locked , so he couldn 't be inside . Maybe I was wrong . I 'd been so positive when I 'd seen the sign . It was only a few days since his birthday ; our plans would still be fresh in his mind . I mentally kicked myself for not thinking of it sooner . Cal While I was waiting to call Dec , I went behind a wooden shelter , so no one could see me . I didn 't want to have to talk to a stranger , or anyone to find me before I could make the plan happen . I sat on the ground behind the shelter , because the wind wasn 't blowing so hard there , and I started playing Angry Birds on the phone . Dad 's headphones were still plugged in , and it always sounded better with headphones , so I put those in too . I slowed to a walk and looked around me . There were a few kiosks which were shut up , and an empty wooden shelter . I tried a shout . ' Cal ! ' Nothing . Was I wrong ? I was immobilised with indecision - should I stay here and wait in case he turned up , or carry on with my plan to go to the retail park ? I was just about to turn and walk back to the bus stop when I caught a glimpse of movement from near the ground behind the wooden shelter . Blond curls caught by the breeze . I shouted out with relief and ran over to the shelter . Peered round the edge . He was sitting on the ground playing a game on the phone . Headphones in . He hadn 't heard me . I crouched down next to him , touched him lightly on the shoulder . Cal I had been playing for a while , and was nearly at my best ever score , when I felt a touch on my shoulder . It made me jump , and I looked up fearfully at the person crouching by me , ready to run away if it was a bad man . Dec Cal looked up , startled . Relaxed when he saw it was me . Took the headphones out . Smiled up at me . I did my best to hide my relief and anxiety , and smiled back at him . It was Dec . How had he known to come ? He must have known we were in the city , and realised we could do our birthday plan too . I had to admit it was pretty clever of him . ' Hey Cal . Here you are . What 's this all about then ? ' I didn 't quite know what he meant , but he was here , and it made me happy to see him , so I smiled . That seemed sensible . I didn 't want to worry Mum , but I had left them a clue , so she would know where I was . Then we could go and see the dinosaurs . I couldn 't wait to tell Mum and Dad how clever and grown up I had been , but I really wanted to start my birthday treat . ' I know that , I drawed a map . It was a clue . They were asleep so I drawed a bus . It had dinosaurs on the side . I got on it with another mummy and daddy . I 've got my birthday money so I can buy a stegosaurus . I borrowed Daddy 's phone so I can talk to you and we can do my birthday plan . ' I expected Dec to be impressed , but he just nodded and carried on looking at me . The wind gusted into the shelter , and I shivered . Dec took his hoody off and put it round my shoulders , but it was a big boy 's hoody , and it felt ginormous . I snuggled up beside Dec , feeling like everything was going to plan , and things might be getting back to normal . We often sat like this watching football , making up stories , playing games , and it felt like something that had gone away had come back . Dec didn 't feel like a bad man , like someone who had stolen and lied ; he just felt like Dec , like he had always been . Maybe he hadn 't really stolen - maybe he 'd just borrowed , like I 'd done with Dad 's phone this morning . Maybe it didn 't really matter . I didn 't understand the word ' forgiveness ' back then , but whatever it was I felt , it changed things back for me , from being scared of the Dec I thought he might have become , to welcoming back the Dec I remembered , who I hadn 't seen for ages , and who I loved . I didn 't want to sit there forever , though , I wanted to see the dinosaurs . He sat close and nestled under my arm . How many times had we sat together like this , reading stories , making up games , watching football on TV ? He was like my brother , and it tore at my heart . ' Not for a while yet . The person with the key will have to come and unlock all the dinosaurs , and feed them too . They eat a lot . Need their porridge . There was a squeal of tyres at the entrance . Jay 's car raced into the car park and braked in front of the shelter in a shower of gravel . Cal When I looked up , I saw it was Dad 's car ; Dad was driving and Mum was next to him . Dad always drove really fast , and the car stopped outside the shelter with a squeal of brakes , and lots of stones sprayed out from the tyres . Mum got out of the car and rushed over to us in the shelter . Dec stood up as Mum hugged me really tightly , and she was crying . Why was she crying ? I was fine , I was with Dec , my plan had worked , and everything was going to be OK . I looked over at Dad , who had just got out of the car . He didn 't look at Dec , and had that cross look on his face that he 'd had for ages , every time anyone had said Dec 's name . Dad didn 't say anything , just walked over and picked me up , cuddling Mum with one arm as he held me against him . Jay glanced at me . Looked away . I got the message . He walked over and picked up Cal , holding him in one arm with the other round Beth . Cal I opened my mouth to speak , desperate to talk to them . Looked at Jay . He was staring ahead , not meeting my eyes , a grim look on his face . The dismissal was plain . I nodded and walked on . Desolate . I 'd thought I 'd never see them again , but seeing them like this , so close but so far away , was worse , unbearable . ' Cal , what on earth … how did you … oh my baby , I 'm so glad we found you . ' She started crying again , and Dad squeezed us both tighter . He spoke for the first time since he 'd got out of the car . And so it started , the long talk about how I always had to make sure Mum and Dad knew exactly where I was , all the time , no excuses , no maps or clues , just making sure they were both awake and that I told them with words , and never just went off and did things on my own , however clever and grown up I thought I was being . They didn 't just say it once , they said it about a million times that day . Just when I thought they 'd stopped , they would say it again . Days passed . The renewed pain and loss settled somewhere inside me , became part of me , like the rest of it . I trained , ate , slept , talked to Rose . Rose saved me in the end . She had experienced major tragedies in her life - to my shame , things I had only been marginally aware of in my self - absorption . She couldn 't have children of her own , had tried many times before being told it would never happen , and told me how the hurt had never gone away . : You just learn to stop prodding it , love . You never lose it , but you can live your life around it . Find ways not to think about it . So that 's what I did . Pushed it down deep with all the other stuff I never let myself examine , and I didn 't look at it , think about it or prod it . It was better . I drifted along , worked hard , carried on finding ways not to think . Went hiking , went to the gym , kept myself physically exhausted . It helped to keep it all at bay . But it wasn 't any sort of a life . Mum and Dad hardly let me out of their sight for ages after that . They walked me right into school , and were there by the school door when it was home time , and for ages , Mum wouldn 't let me go to play with any of my new friends unless she was there too , talking to another mum . But because of Uncle Matty , Mum didn 't have as much time to come out with me , or to have people over to play , so I had to spend a lot of time playing on my own . While Uncle Matty was still in hospital , but had woken up , we stopped living with Granny and started living in our new house . I had a special dinosaur bedroom , which had dinosaur wallpaper , dinosaur duvets and lots of shelves for my dinosaur models . It also had bunk beds , so I could have friends to sleep over , but because of Mum needing to look after Uncle Matty , I hadn 't had friends over yet . By the time Uncle Matty came home , it was nearly Christmas . Or rather , it was the end of November , and I was getting excited . Dad had said we could have a real tree , and I wanted a tree in all the rooms , but in the end Dad said Uncle Matty could have a tree in his room too , and that would have to be enough , and we went to choose them . The day of the hearing about my visa and passport was looming . I didn 't have to go , Raiders were the ones answering the questions , but I was aware of a rising tension at the club . Raiders were currently fifth in the league , in sight of a top four place . A major points deduction would make fourth place and the play - offs realistically out of reach , and everyone was on edge . A lot of hard work down the drain if it was a big deduction . A huge fine for the club in any case . Lots on my shoulders . Felt its weight growing as time passed . Spent a lot of time , despite trying hard not to , thinking ' what if ' and going through the permutations . Fruitless , pointless activity but my brain did it anyway . The date was set for the Friday of that week . It took forever to arrive , and came too soon at the same time . I woke up very early that morning , head full of potentials , likelihoods and probabilities . There would be lots of people gathering at the club to use the gym , and then wait for news from the hearing in London , which was expected around lunchtime . It was not a training day , so I wasn 't allowed at the stadium . I felt very alone and separated from something that had such a huge effect on me and the people I spent most of my life with . I couldn 't settle at home . Not having a computer , or access to any kind of internet meant I had no reliable way of getting information . Nico had said he would text as soon as he heard anything . He had as much to lose as anyone - top flight rugby , teams getting into finals and winning trophies are some of the things that get players noticed and into international sides . Since I had paid back all of the money I owed , there had been an easing of the exclusion and retaliation I had experienced . People had started to talk to me again , involve me in plans , suggest I might be playing again soon . A big points penalty from the RFU would be likely to put me back to square one , or worse . I was very aware , from my original talk with Don and my continued meetings with Stuart that , although they were satisfied with the effort I had put in to making things right and remaining fit , if there was a big points loss , it might not be enough for me . I found myself unable to face that possibility . If I lost Raiders , or even worse couldn 't play anywhere , I was scared about what it would do to me . I would have pissed away absolutely everything that had ever mattered to me , and I didn 't know how I was going to begin to rebuild my broken life . Despite myself I had begun to hope , over the last few weeks , that things were working out . Today , I would find out whether that hope was groundless and I veered from minute to minute between wild hope and crashing despair . I needed to find some way of following the news . The television that Rose had given me was , while much appreciated , a little bit crap , and had no twenty - four hour news station or any red button facilities . It was unlikely that the hearing would be in the headlines anyway - it mattered greatly to players and supporters of Raiders , but not very much to anyone else . I needed somewhere I could sit and obsessively check news updates on my phone . I made my way into the city , found a café with free Wi - Fi , and parked myself in the corner with a coffee . I did a search for sports news websites , then began checking . The hearing didn 't start until ten o ' clock ; it wasn 't even nine yet . I realised I was being a bit mad . Couldn 't help myself . So much was riding on this . The café was pretty busy to start with , people picking up coffee on their way to work . It emptied by nine - thirty , and then there was another wave at about ten o ' clock of women with pushchairs . I was fairly anonymous , wearing hoody and baseball cap , head down , focussed on my phone . Nonetheless I gradually became aware that I was being observed . A member of staff behind the bar kept looking over between customers . I looked her in the eye and smiled . She looked away . But looked back when my gaze was elsewhere . Eventually she came over to clear away my empty coffee cup . * Anything else you need ? * It 's the hearing today , isn 't it ? Sorry , I 'm a huge Raiders fan , me and my boyfriend go to all the games . Really nervous about it . * I 'll bet . Poor you . Can 't be much fun , waiting . ' Not much fun for everyone else , either . It affects a lot of people . ' I had an increased awareness of just how many people were potentially waiting on a group of other people to decide how my actions would affect their future . I apologised as sincerely as I could whenever anyone confronted me . * Oh , no , don 't worry . Stupid rule . Raiders should have checked more thoroughly . It 's not like it hasn 't happened before , you 'd think they 'd be more careful . I don 't blame you . ' A quick check of the various websites showed no news , a limited amount of old speculation . I went round them all again , then logged onto the supporters ' forum . I 'd never paid much attention to the fan site ; other players sometimes talked about the opinions flying about on it , how did they know this , how they 'd got that completely wrong , how dare they say something else . It seemed to me that they were entitled to their opinions , and if it was going to upset you , you were better off not looking . But today I looked . There was a huge thread about the hearing ( Likely Outcome Today ) , several smaller ones about various aspects ( Here We Go Again ; League Position ; Foreign Player Rules ) and one specifically about me ( Summers : Should He Stay or Should He Go ) . Under normal circumstances I wouldn 't have looked at any of them , but I was desperate for any type of information . Afterwards , I wished I hadn 't read them . Most people were convinced that Raiders were in for a heavy punishment , that it was all my fault and that I shouldn 't still be playing rugby , let alone for Raiders . Even though a part of me agreed with them , it wasn 't enjoyable reading . The large percentage of people who were incredibly angry , and their unfavourable comments about me , made me feel even worse than I already did . I tried telling myself it was just people 's opinions , they didn 't know anything , they contradicted themselves and each other , but a lot of it really hit home and made me feel more guilty and nervous about the outcome . By lunchtime , I had become really bored with reading the same news reports over and over again , but my adrenaline was pumping and my heart rate had increased immensely . I felt a bit spaced out , as if nothing was real . The café had filled up with people , and it was noisy and hot . The girl behind the counter had disappeared , I assumed she had gone on her lunch break . Then there was a sudden flurry of news activity - no direct announcement , but the headlines and stories all changed to say it was imminent . My stress levels went into overdrive . When I got a text I thought my heart would stop . Fuck . Ten points . That took us down from fifth to eighth , and well out of range of top four . It even took us close to the clubs battling relegation . Fuck . Fuck . The other media sites I had tagged all started pinging notifications , confirming what Nico had texted , and announcing a fifty thousand pound fine . I struggled to take in how big the punishment was . That was it , I saw no way now of keeping my job at Raiders . It was over . I put my hands over my face and breathed deeply , trying to take it in . I felt sick , faint , unreal . I felt a hand on my shoulder . Looked up . The girl from the counter . As she started to speak , I suddenly couldn 't breathe , needed to get out . I jumped to my feet , pushed past the girl and stumbled out onto the street . People surged around me . I felt like everyone was looking at me . I was rooted to the spot . * Are you OK ? I stumbled away from her , not knowing where I was going , walking , couldn 't face talking , needed to be alone , dreaded being alone . Too much , too big , too overwhelming . My head was full of noise and I zoned out . I ended up sitting on a bench in a park by the cathedral . No memory of how I got there or how long I 'd sat there , staring ahead . It was getting dark . My phone pinged in my pocket . I pulled it out and looked at the screen - I had missed texts , calls and voice - mails Dreading them , I checked them all . The rest , a mixture of people I didn 't know well or people who had got hold of my number from somewhere , not so sympathetic . A lot of abuse from supporters . Some senior players saying their piece . All completely understandable , all making me completely miserable . - Declan , I 'm sure you 've heard the outcome of the hearing . It 's not good . Please can you call me as soon as you get this message . ^ Hello Declan , just in case you haven 't heard , it 's not good news , the board docked us ten points and a fairly hefty fine . Don wants to talk to you as soon as possible . Please ring him . If you need someone to talk to , give me a bell . - There 's going to be a press conference tomorrow after the game . I want you to be there . I also want you to come to the ground tomorrow for a media briefing . We need to make sure we finish this off right . OK ? - Come to the ground at ten . We 'll run through some things with Adrian . Kick off is at three , you 'll need to make yourself scarce somewhere while the build up and match are going on , I want to make sure the media doesn 't get hold of you before the press conference . Don 't talk to anyone who might be a reporter . Bring your Raiders training kit , but don 't wear it to the ground . Got all that ? Deleted all the other texts and messages . Sat , dejected and alone , head in hands , for a long time . Tomorrow . Don was going to finish things off tomorrow . Phone rang . Looked at the screen , expecting another load of abuse , but it was Rose . : Oh there you are love . Sorry to ring you , I 'm not checking up - well , alright , I suppose I am . I 've just seen the local news . I forgot it was today , you never said . Are you alright ? Rose , with her food and her common sense and her love . She was just what I needed . In a kind of trance I started to make my way back , focussing on Rose like some sort of homing device . Waited at the bus stop , got on a bus . My phone rang several times , but I ignored the calls until I recognised Rose 's name on the screen . : Those reporter buggers are back , love . I sent them packing , but they 're waiting out the front . You need to come in the back . I took a moment to compute this . Nico was a law unto himself , believed that what he wanted was right , and usually got his way . He had been great over the last few weeks , and talking to him about the day 's events would be welcome . I was sure Rose wouldn 't mind an extra person to fuss over , especially if he was a charming Argentinian rugby player . However : ' She 's just told me there are reporters outside . I 'm going to have to climb over her wall at the back . You won 't be able to get past without them recognising you . ' I told him where he would need to park and how to find Rose 's wall . Then I rang Rose and told her . As I suspected , she was delighted . She had a soft spot for Nico that had more than a little to do with his charm and Latin good looks , and she twittered her delight when I told her , instantly changing the menu to incorporate fancier ingredients . : I know . I 'm a silly old woman . Just want things to be nice , don 't I . I hope he doesn 't ruin his clothes getting over the wall . By the time I 'd finished the call I had reached my stop . I could see my building from down the street and the small group of people waiting near the door . Felt another surge of gratitude towards Rose for her thoughtfulness as I ducked down the street towards the garages . Getting over the wall was just too easy , though . Needed attention . She was looking out for me from the kitchen , and opened the door when she saw me . She gave me a huge hug and then held me at arms length to study my face . ' I think … that 's it … over . I 've got to go to the club tomorrow . They 're going to tell me I 'm finished . ' ' I talked to Don . I can 't cost them this much and stay on . I 've always known that , really . Tried not to think about it … ' Saying it , finally admitting it to myself , felt like pulling my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the floor . I stood and looked at Rose , unable to move or speak , feeling the final drops of hope seep out of me , leaving me completely empty . : Oh love . I still think until you know for definite , you 've got a chance . Anyway , kettle 's just boiled , come and sit down . Oh look - here 's your friend . While they carried on discussing me as if I wasn 't there , I made some tea . Concentrated on pouring the water into the mugs , milk into the tea , stirring . Thinking about anything else felt unsafe , very shaky ground . Handed the mugs to Rose and Nico . I ignored her and carried on , filling the bowl , focussing on the bubbles , wiping plates . Rose took the cloth out of my hand . Took my arm . Led me to a chair at the table . Knelt beside me . : I think you need to sit down and tell us about it . Pretending it 's not happening isn 't going to help . We 're here . Just tell us , love . I tried . Started saying words , but hadn 't realised how close the misery was . It bubbled up and overtook me . All of it , from way back . Everything I 'd lost - Mum and Dad , Jay , Beth and Cal , my friends . And now I was going to lose Raiders , rugby - everything I had left would be gone . Months of this going round my head . I hadn 't realised how much hope I 'd allowed myself . Now I 'd stripped myself of everything that defined me , everything that had ever mattered to me . I had nothing , was no one . Covering my head with my arms , I slumped forwards onto the table . Huge sobs broke free . I could hardly breathe , drowning in sorrow and self - loathing . This was just too , too hard . I didn 't know how I was going to go on . I felt Rose put an arm round me , say something . Couldn 't take in words . Could only keep repeating to myself what I 'd done , who I 'd hurt , what a worthless piece of shit I was . Over and over , until eventually , after a long time , I had no breath left for any of it or any tears left . Even that felt like a betrayal - I should weep forever for what I 'd done . I stayed face down on the table as , some time later , the shuddering sobs subsided , leaving me scraped raw from the inside . Rose was still talking , nonsense , comforting words . I couldn 't move , completely weighed down . Couldn 't open my eyes , the world was too bright and real . > What you mean ? You have Rose and you have me . Best team a man could want . Rose is beauty and I am brain . Ha , and beauty also . ' Please don 't . Just … don 't . ' I had no more left . Just wanted them to leave me alone and stop loving me . It was too much . So much more than I deserved . I 'd only take it and fuck up their lives too . : He 's been pretty low at times , but we 've talked it out . He takes too much blame for things , tries to put everything right . Sometimes you just have to accept things have happened and move on . > I see this with Declan . He let people treat him bad because he think he deserve it . They don 't have this right , but he don 't stand up to it . He deserve better than he thinks . : Come on love , think of the good things . You 've got me and Nico here . You 've built bridges with a lot of your friends . > You work really hard the last few weeks . You impress Stuey . You are good player . You are strong , in your body and in your head . You are determined - I say a pig head , but I be nice . : You 've done so much to put the things right that you did wrong . You paid back all that money , took a lot of abuse , stayed away from people you love when they asked you . You could have made it easier , but you did it the hard way , because you thought it was right . > Well , you don 't ask , but what you do next is get ready to go to the club tomorrow . You have to finish this , know for once and for ever . You owe to them to be there as they have asked . Do this for them . Don 't think what about me . Do tomorrow for them and then do the next day for us . Rose and me , we will be here . And after . We will be here . Always we will be here for you , Declan . Some of his words sank in . He was right . I had to do this , I owed it to Raiders to turn up and hear what they wanted to say to me , then face people and say whatever they wanted me to say . The fallout from my shit could wait until afterwards . This dark emptiness would wait another day , then it could have me . I shifted in my seat , propped myself up on my elbows , head in hands . : Good lad . One day at a time , you can manage it then . One hour at a time , or one minute if that 's all you can take . Don 't think about the next one until this one 's out the way . Don 't look back or forwards . You can do it , love . It felt like a very tall order . I thought about the next minute . Managed to lift my head up and look at them . My face was hot and puffy , my eyes swollen and I expect I was not a pretty sight . ' I 'll try . ' : You don 't have to do it on your own , love . We 'll help you with anything you need . First thing I think we all need is something to eat . > Ha ! I agree . I smell , is wonderful . I could sense their relief , but couldn 't feel it in me . Rose had shown me the way to cope with the next minute , hour , day , but I could hardly bring myself to face the next second . I had no appetite , and played listlessly with the bowl of stew Rose dished up for me . > Hey baby … no I still with Declan … oh , mierda , is today ? I forget , sorry … I don 't know if I should stay here , Declan he has hard time … no , no , oh I see what you say … you are right , OK , I come soon . But I tell them how this is … no , I know , but is very bad . I say , and they know … is my fault then , they don 't blame you … no , baby , I need to do this . I see you soon . Bye baby . > I really sorry , I forget … we have visitors . Lis needs me home . I feel horrible . : Don 't worry , love , we 'll be fine . You go on . Human of several decades experience . Full time employment , part - time enjoyment . Searching for the fountain of youth in the sure knowledge that it will be full of beer cans and dog piss . Plan B is the fountain of age , which will be found next to a comfy chair with the TV remote in easy reach . View all posts by 00dreams00 Author 00dreams00Posted on April 15 , 2017Categories Family , Fiction , RugbyTags End it all , Family , Fiction , Heartbreak , Love , Rugby , Running away , Serialised Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . |
Posted on February 7 , 2014 by curiouskermit This is something I wrote for my writing group . Our task : 500 words around a cookie recipe . I 'm not sure I 'd eat these , but then I don 't think anyone would dare to . Richard York measured a cup of flour into the wooden bowl . Only wood could be used . A wooden bowl , a wooden spoon . The ones he was using had belonged to his great - grandmother . The recipe he was using was hers too . She had come over on a ship from Ireland , born and raised in the old country . She had brought the bowl with her , packed alongside her superstitions and her recipes . He poured the whiskey with a liberal hand . No milk , no water . Whiskey only , because that 's what they like . Eggs , butter , brown sugar . Normal staples that had to be added by the light of the moon . He had found the best results came when he mixed the cookies on the counter beneath an open window . A breeze blew in then out again , bringing the smell of the cookies out over the fields . The corn moved in the night wind , as if it could taste them already . The corn , it was all for the corn . His crop grew tall , healthy and strong , with more ears per stalk than any of Richard 's neighbours . In a year when the rain had come only at the wrong times , and the sun had beaten down cruelly , his crops had thrived , cool and green . Powerful . He mixed the dough , adding in more whiskey as needed . He sprinkled some of the whiskey on the counter around the bowl , and tossed some out the window onto the ground outside . The same with the flour . He sprinkled some around the bowl , then tossed a small handful out the window , where it drifted in the wind . Then he baked the cookies on a flat stone in the oven , and removed them with a carved wooden spatula . " No metal must ever touch the cookies . " He could almost hear his mother speaking . She had passed the recipe down to him , as her mother had given it to her . She had worried at not having a daughter to pass the ritual on to . She had taken long walks in the corn , looking for guidance . Which would be better , to teach her son , her own blood , but a man ? Or should she teach his wife , not of her blood , but a woman ? In the end she had decided to teach him , and he was glad that she had . As the crops prospered , so did his family . He arranged the cookies on a porcelain plate and brought them out to the field . He put the plate on the ground in front of the first row , then turned and went back into the house . He never looked back , as he had been warned not to . Sometimes Richard lay in bed and listened to the rustling of the stalks . He could tell when it was time . When the corn yearned for cookies , he would bake . Because a man does what a man has to do . My aunt and uncle died together at 11 : 54 p . m . The accident was caught on the red - light camera at the intersection . The coroner told me the force of the giant SUV slamming into their little car was vicious enough that they both appeared to have died instantly . It was good to know these details . Who knew the timing would be so important later ? I love my Aunt and Uncle . What I did I did out of pure necessity and desperation . Both valuable ingredients , as it turns out . We have a small family . My mother had only one sister , much younger than herself , and my father disappeared just after my birth , cutting the number of available relatives in half . I became the legal guardian of my two cousins . They had been late - in - life babies , a surprise . Now they were my surprise . Seven year old twins , all of my own . I looked at their little grief - stricken faces , and felt mainly fear . I shoved my own feelings aside for the moment and tried to think . What do children need ? Parents , kids need parents . Not cousins with dubious skills and bad habits . I looked at them . They looked back . They had their doubts , I could see that and I couldn 't blame them . But I was the only choice they had , other than an orphanage , and I couldn 't do that to them . Not to my own blood . My mother died when I was 17 , only 5 years ago now . I had some idea how these little orphans were feeling . Now they were mine , and I would do my best . It turned out that my best sucked . Children are not pets . They need more than food and water and a warm place to sleep . The problem was , I didn 't know exactly what they needed , and neither did they . They fought with each other constantly . They fought with me . Or they ignored me . They hated school . They hated everything . I could hear them crying at night , and lay there awake , frustrated and worried . I always tried to comfort them , but they resented it . They punched me and told me to go away . They really didn 't want any of the comfort I had to give . They had each other , but that wasn 't enough . Something had to be done before my little charges ended up in prison . They were on a dark road , and from what I could see there were no turn - offs , no side roads leading to happy - ever - after - ville . Jamie started stealing from the corner store . Christie cheered him on . When I found out about it , all they had to say was , " You 're not our real mom ! We hate you ! You 're ugly ! " None of this was a surprise , but it was hurtful . I didn 't know what to do . While all this happy family drama was going on , I still had to work . I 'm a bartender , I work nights . With my two delinquents - in - training at home , I had to take day shifts , and work while they were at school . Or while they were pretending to be at school . They might have been knocking over the 7 - 11 for all I know . It was very easy to get switched to days , because nobody wants to work then . The bar is open mid - morning for the career drinkers who like to get an early start . A few souls will show up for lunch . None of these people tip very well . My income dropped drastically , while my expenses ballooned . My aunt and uncle had not left a lot behind , and what there was was tied up in legal issues . Eventually , some cash would come our way , but it would take a while . " I didn 't even hear you come in , " I said , looking up to see my neighbor Mama Jo . Mama does psychic readings out of her house , with a bit of voodoo on the side . She 's a blonde lady somewhere in her thirties . She 's cultivating a Caribbean vibe , thinking it 'll make her seem more authentic , I guess . She 's asked me to call her Mama Jo , and when she remembers to she speaks with a Jamaican accent . She 's kooky , a bit silly , but I like her a lot . She lit up a flavored cigarillo . There 's no smoking in here , but who gives a shit . You see anybody around to complain about it ? " I don 't know what I 'm going to do , " I told her , pouring each of us a shot of dark rum . Not supposed to be drinking at work , but like I said , who gives a shit . " I 'm almost broke , the kids are depressed and they hate me . I 've got to turn this around , but I am out of ideas . " " Maybe not so gone . Maybe Mama can work a little sumthin for you to help with those little ones . You let me think on it , dahlin . " She pushed the glass back to me , and thanked me for the drink with a nod . She left the bar in a swirl of scarves and skirts . I cleaned our glasses , thinking her voodoo wasn 't going to help , although I appreciated the offer . Messages from the grave are probably not the best way to parent . Then the taste of rum in my mouth and Mama 's voodoo started to combine in my mind , and I began to wonder if there was something that she could do for me , after all . That day after work I fed the monsters and let them go have a sleepover at a friend 's house . I picked up the bottle of dark rum I had bought after work , and headed over to Mama Jo 's . She wasn 't surprised to see me . Her front room was dimly lit , filled with scarves and candles . I wondered how she 'd never burnt the place down . There was a ratty stuffed crocodile on top of a bookcase , tied by cobwebs to a collection of jars filled with objects floating in a murky liquid . If Mama could sell atmosphere by the bottle she 'd make a fortune . I cut her off . I didn 't want to be rude , but I couldn 't wait . " What can you do besides bring a message back from the dead ? " She looked at me askance . " What else is there to do ? " It scared me when she dropped the accent . It 's like , now the shit gets real . " What else would you want ? You want to raise the dead , is that what you 're thinking ? " " Why are you so nervous ? Are you hiding something ? " Maybe there was more to her than I 'd given her credit for . It was so hard to take her seriously , with her blonde hair and fresh face , hiding behind scarves and thick incense . I felt bad about underestimating her , but also intrigued . " What do you know , Jo ? " She got up and moved around the room , moving her things around , making some straight and others more crooked . " I don 't know anything . I 've just heard some things . What you want might be possible , but it 's dangerous . It 's not the same for every person who wants it . You have to figure it out on your own . If you get it wrong , you might end up worse than dead yourself . " She didn 't want to tell me , but she knew my situation , and maybe she knew me better than I thought she did . She knew I wouldn 't give up . " Look for them at the same time they died , and fill yourself with emotion . Yearning , desperation , fear , grief . The spirits love that stuff , they feed on it . " " There needs to be a potion , but you have to figure out what it is , and drink it at that moment . " She looked worried , and frightened for me . " You have to get it right on the first try . Please , think hard on this before you do it . If you fail , those kids are alone . " I hadn 't thought about that , to be honest . Part of me thought this was all crap anyway , so why not try it ? But a bigger part of me thought it could work . I was young myself then , and maybe not as smart as I thought I was . Over the next few days I made my potion . I thought of my family , our suffering , our love for each other . I thought of voodoo , and dark things , and hope and a light in the darkness . I gathered what I needed . Dark rum for the base , of course . Dark rum rules all of these things . Two drops of liquid smoke for the souls that were lost . The petals of a red carnation , for our aching hearts . One ounce of orange juice for the health of those returning . On an impulse , I added a shot of pineapple juice . To me , pineapples represented the sun and a life in the good , pure light of day . I felt something wash through the room then , a wave of disappointment and anger . I shuddered , thinking what would have happened if I hadn 't included it . Finally , drops of my blood . One , two , three drops . Three drops for those of us left bereft , wounded and aching . Our blood , calling to your blood . Come home , back where you belong . I drank it at 11 : 54 pm , and filled myself with grief , love , and hope . It burned going down , but then warmed my belly . Smoke poured from my nose in two streams , and took shape near the ceiling . A wind came up from nowhere , and blew it away . From upstairs I heard two claps , one after the other , like a thunder storm in my house . I raced up the stairs , my heart pounding . I threw open the door to the spare room the children had been using . It was empty . They were gone . Their things were gone . It was as if they had never been here at all . My heart pounded in my throat . There was only one place I could think to look for them . I ran outside and jumped in my old car , and went as fast as I could to my aunt and uncle 's house . There were lights on in the living room . I could see the flicker of a TV . I went up the steps and knocked . My aunt opened the door , surprised to see me . " Katy , why are you out so late ? Is everything all right ? " I could see my uncle come up behind her , worry on his kind face . " Everything 's okay . I had a nightmare . " I felt breathless . It had worked , they were back . They were back at home with their children . My eyes filled with tears . " Are you guys okay ? The kids ? " Just then I saw Jamie poke his head over the stairs and wave at me . His mother saw me look , and yelled up to him to go to bed , that was the last time he was getting up tonight . He laughed , waved again , and trotted off . I woke up slowly . I kept my eyes shut and let the waving light filter through my eyelids , light and dark . I stretched and finally opened my eyes . I was alone , lying in long grass . The wind was blowing it back and forth across my face . Light and shadow , flickering . A seagull flew across the sky crying . The wind smelt of the sea . I sat up . The wind blew fresh and strong in my face . I could hear the seagull and the crashing of waves on a beach . Around me was grass , prickly under my hands . I looked down - the bracelet was gone . I felt such a wave of ferocious relief I yelled out loud . I looked around to see if anyone had heard me - but there wasn 't anybody there . I rubbed my hand across my bristly head , nervous out here in the open . Then I wondered , what bracelet ? What was it , and why was I so happy to see it gone ? I could see the marks on my skin where it had been . Red where it had rubbed for too long . I rubbed my wrist and stood up . " It 's over , Rebecca , it 's over ! Everybody else is gone , let 's go . We need to get the hell out of here before it 's too late . " " Everybody else has , and so am I . If you were smart you would too . " Running footsteps and slamming doors . A siren is wailing in the background , pulsing in time to the red light flashing in the hall . My head was spinning , and the ground felt tilted . I stumbled sideways and fell . I put my head between my knees , panting and trying not to puke . I didn 't know what had happened in that hallway , but I thought it was a memory . Along with it had come a mix of fear and hope . I knew I had overheard those voices and had seen it as a chance to escape . I stood back up and brushed dirt off my hands . At least I hadn 't thrown up . I wanted to stop thinking about my missing memories , and decided to look around . I didn 't know where I was , and that was something maybe I could find out . I walked away from where I had woken up . I was at the top of a bluff , with long wind - swept grass all around . Far behind me was a line of evergreen trees . Straight ahead , it looked like the bluff went down to a beach and the water . I walked to the edge and looked down . The slope was steep , slippery with sand and tufts of grass . The beach below was strewn with big rocks and driftwood . The waves came in and out , moving seaweed on the sand . There was nobody in sight . No footprints , no fire pits . Not a popular spot with the locals , I thought . I stepped over the edge of the bluff . I fell more than climbed , sliding most of the way . By the time I got to the beach , I was tired and dirty . I sat on an old log and looked around . The wind whistled by , shaking the grass and stirring up small drifts of sand . A seagull walked along the water 's edge . It stopped and looked at me , head tilted . " Run , run Robert ! Come on , you can make it . " She has her arm around my waist and is helping me hurry down the hall . My feet are uncoordinated and I keep tripping over them . " It 'll be okay , you 'll be okay . " She is breathless . I am trying to hurry . I like her better than the others , she 's always been kind . A cynical part of me thought maybe that was part of the testing , but I wanted to believe it was real . " In here , there you go . Buckle him in ! " She starts to climb in after us , but then her face gets this big surprised look on it . She starts to say something , then falls back with blood on her lab coat , and the pilot takes off , with the door still open and the screaming noise of the helicopter and the wind taking over everything . I bent over again , and this time I did throw up . I stood up on shaky legs and walked to the water 's edge to wipe my mouth and face . The water was cold and salty , and it felt good . This memory had been more complete - I had been scared and confused , still with some drug in my veins , I think . Somebody had been drugging me pretty regularly , was my guess . I was nervous without memories and shaken by the ones that had come back . A small wave came up the sand and drenched my shoes ; I jumped back , startled . The wind was growing cool , the light fading . Rubbing my arms , I moved away from the water and walked further along the beach . I was in a small bay , like a crescent . At one tip of the crescent was a lighthouse . I walked around the bay , until I was just beneath it . I was able to scramble back up the bluff , and was huffing by the time I got to the door . I opened the door on squealing hinges . Inside was a spiral staircase going up . Everything was covered in dust , no footprints . I climbed up . At the top was a rusty mechanism that must have turned around the big light bulb in the middle . It didn 't look like it had worked in a long time . From here I could see all around . I was on a small island . Deserted , quiet . There were some buildings in the distance , but no people or cars . I would head over there next . Maybe I 'd find some people and some answers , or figure out how to leave here . The red glow of the atomic sunset was beautiful . It hovered over the canyon , sending out waves of deceitful glory . The red light filled up the dusty corners , while a hot wind stirred dirt up into small whirlwinds . The ground was gritty beneath my feet . It was a quiet and empty place . I knew it was toxic and that it would probably kill us eventually , but since we were all going to die anyway why not enjoy it ? I stood at the edge of the canyon , drinking in the light and thinking my thoughts . The funeral had been held yesterday . The air had stunk of brimstone , which was normal when the wind blew from the west , but it felt like the very earth was being sympathetic . He 's dead , you know where he 's going ! Exactly where he belongs , maybe . It 's hard to tell . Hard to unravel his intentions from his actions . Hard to know if life would 've been easier with him or without him . Hard to know a lot of things . The boys in the village want to celebrate , that 's for sure . Maybe not a good thing - all they ever want to do is find excuses to stop working and celebrate . We 're alive , let 's have a party ! Maybe they have a point , but maybe I 'm more like my father than I want to admit . Bill Gray came up to me , maybe to offer some consolation . Although I think he 's smarter than that . He got too close to the city 's weapons as a child , back when everybody was escaping into the countryside . His disfigured face taught him a lot that the other kids his age never had to learn . Made him more thoughtful . Slower to talk . Good listener . I liked Bill Gray . " Well Miss Annie , how 's your day ? Thinking about taking a ride in my green balloon ? " He smiled at me , and I smiled back . His green balloon . He had made it out of an old piece of silk and some string , and he used to throw it off the porch roof for me when I was little . It would float slowly down to the bare dirt , and we would make up stories about the times before , and how people could fly in the sky . Back when he had been little and I hadn 't been born . I believed him , although it was hard to imagine flying in the air . I loved it when he told me stories . My father had no time for such things , when the business of surviving took up all of his time and his thoughts . He was a hard man , and now I understand why , but I would have liked to have heard his stories . I would pretend to be in the balloon , floating far away . " Maybe so , Mr Gray . Maybe I am . I 'm thinking things are going to be changing around here . " " Maybe not necessarily changing for the better ? " Mr Bill Gray was a smart man , as I may have mentioned . " I 'm thinking the boys aren 't going to be doing much work for a while . I 'm not sure who could make them anyway . " Bill took off his hat and wiped his forehead . " Well they 'll not be listening to me now anymore than they ever have . " Mr Gray was also a disfigured man , as I believe I 've mentioned . " Best lock your door at night , for a while anyway . " This startled me , and upset me some . I hadn 't been thinking along those lines . " I 'm right here , Mr Gray . " He seemed tongue - tied , which was not his way . He was a quiet thinker , but once he started talking he said what he had to say . " Miss Annie , what if I did have a balloon ? What if I had made a balloon out of old silk dresses , with a basket made of willow branches ? What if it were down around the bend in the canyon , by the clay banks where nobody could find it ? We could fill it with hot air on the ground and take off . We might not get very far , but what if we did ? " The whole idea was a surprise , shocking , even . Mr Gray was not a man given to secrets and hiding things - or so I had thought . I was beginning to think Mr Bill Gray might have hidden depths I had not been aware of . I liked that . I also liked the idea of this balloon . It quickened something inside me . I 'm not a fancy person , so I 'm not going to call it hope or anything like that . But something felt different , and it felt good . I also liked Mr Bill Gray , as I do believe I have told you more than once . What would we do ? Where would we go ? Who would we find ? I 'd like to say anything would be better than here , but I know that 's foolishness . A lot of places could be a lot worse . But a lot could be better , even if only a bit better . We hadn 't seen other people in our little settlement since I had been small . We had been all alone here for so long . Who knew what had happened everywhere else ? The thought of finding out captivated my heart . Maybe it was time to take some chances , and leave this stale comfort behind . All of a sudden I was ready to go . It was time to find out what else was out there , and see what kind of a new life we could make for ourselves . Something better than watching the poisonous sunset and waiting . " All right now people , line up over here . Let 's go , Kaiju . Okay maybe not a line up . A milling group is fine . A milling group over here . Near me . At least WHERE YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE . Can you hear me in the back ? Fine . Don 't be complaining to me when you don 't hear the assignment . Excuse me ? Ngoro ? Only one of us talking right now . And that 's me . Alright everybody today we are concentrating more on the mainland cities . We 've really given the islands a workout lately , and it 's time to move on . Ugegon , did you have something you wanted to share with the group ? Oh , you want to go to Tokyo . Well there 's a surprise . Have any of you given any thought to the other major cities out there ? No , not Beijing . We 've done that one to death . We here at Olympus have been thinking about going further afield . Reaching out to more people , so to speak . Ha ha , just a bit of humour . Ahem . Anyhow . I 'd like you to think about … . Vancouver . Oh calm down , calm down ! I know you 've never eaten a Canadian . I 'm sure they 're fine . Just as good eating as the Japanese . And isn 't everybody hungry right now , hmmmm ? Who wouldn 't like a - Oranga , get that out of your mouth . Where did you get a human ? Spit it out . Dinner time is later . Did you bring enough for everybody ? No ? Then spit it out , into that garbage can over there . Remember you 're monsters , not animals . Oh , Oranga , shame about your aim . You 'll have to clean that up later . No I am not going to do it for you , I am not your mother . So we were talking about Vancouver . Or maybe Seattle ! Eat some Americans , then move north and dine on the Canadians . No , I believe we had decided Tokyo was out of the question . We are done with Tokyo . I 'm not sure there are even any humans living there anymore . Remember we have to manage our resources ! You need to eat , and the gods here at Olympus need a few cities leveled . Lodzos , put me down . We 've been over this . You all made a deal with the gods . You get to keep existing , and we get a few jobs done . " " Ah , I remember the good old days ! Cities in flames , people begging the gods to save them . Zeus would pick a favourite and we 'd discuss it for days . Of course by then it was usually too late to save anybody , but oh , how we enjoyed the debates ! There would be dancing and twirling and picking of flowers and eating of vast quantities of chocolates fed to us by tiny elves , and then sometimes a space ship would show up for no reason at all , and we 'd all go for a ride and push all the buttons just to see what would happen . Oh , that was living ! And then , without so much as a by - your - leave , they forget all about us . After everything we did for them ! Ungrateful , selfish little bastards ! " * * Tears roll out of Hermes ' eyes and up into his hair . His nose starts to run backwards , which feels strange . Lodzos loses interest and drops him on his head . Hermes picks himself up and brushes himself off , straightening his head on his neck , and looking for his clipboard on the floor * * " Anyway , it 's the humans who 've changed . They used to pay us the proper respect . Now they think they don 't need to fear any of us ! Well we 're changing all of that . They 're all so snotty with their science and their technology and their medicine and plumbing and schools and roads and electricity ! Oh look , I 'm a hovercraft ! I can do anything ! Let 's all eat popsicles for breakfast ! " * * He goes off on a fairly high - pitched , falsetto rant , striding up and down and waving his arms and clipboard about in an extremely haphazard manner . The Kaiju are embarrassed for him and look away . They will of course discuss this later , whilst taking turns mimicking his behaviour and messy hair * * " Oh my . I don 't know what came over me ! I feel much better now . No reason not to be civilized , ha ha ! Now just a bit of paperwork to clear up , and you can all head off to Seattle . NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TOKYO . Seattle it is . Last month we had a couple of complaints - nothing serious ! You 're all doing a fantastic job . However , somebody has been keeping humans in their pockets for later . Yes , Oranga , I am looking at you . Humans do not keep . Eat them when you get them , and carry on . There will be more humans coming along , no shortage yet ! Ha ha . Housekeeping has not been happy about the smell and random bits left here and there . There 's been a few comments that some of the Kaiju are going out on these raids not looking their very best . Nothing personal ! Remember , it only takes a few moments to put on something nice and maybe polish our claws . You are representing all the Kaiju , not just yourself . Overall , good job on the stomping and roaring and terrifying the locals . Now we 'd like to add a bit of fear of the gods into the equation . As if you were saying , hey , remember the gods ? They can help clear all this up ! We won 't of course , but it would be good to get that feeling out there . No ideas on how to achieve that yet , but we 'd appreciate some brainstorming . Maybe a drop of pamphlets ? One of you could scatter some paper about as you leave the city in flames . Or maybe we could do a couple TV spots - ' Bothered by giant monsters sacking your town ? Call on Zeus ! He 'll be there for you ! Because you 're there for him too ! ' Then we 'll have a row of Kaiju dancing in the background , with high - kicking legs and big smiles , and then a thousand balloons will drop from the sky , and there 'll be confetti , and a marching band , and maybe some giant eagles swooping in the sky doing aeronatical tricks . " * * Hermes bows to the group and looks around expectantly with a huge smile . The Kaiju stare at him . They look at each other . They stare at him again . There is the swelling sound of crickets . A tumbleweed floats by * * * Now this is what we have pictured for today 's run to Seattle - it 's Seattle , yes we discussed that . Just now . I 'm sure you were here , Rahig . Maybe you were not listening , because we definitely decided on not going to Tokyo . What is with you Kaiju and Tokyo ! Why you 're all in love with the place is beyond me ! " . * * Half the Kaiju stare at the ceiling . The other half stare at the floor . One of them is drawing a circle on the floor with his toe and not looking at anybody . Nobody is making eye contact with anybody * * " Wait , what 's wrong now ? What did I say - oh , was it LOVE ? You Kaiju are all in love with Tokyo ? Well you have a funny way of showing it . Buildings in flames , streets ripped up , people fleeing and all that . Have you forgotten how they abandoned you ? At first they seemed to appreciate your visits . The odd stomping , some people get killed , good times for everybody . Then they decide you never existed at all ! Apparently you were all a figment of somebody 's imagination . Now you 've been replaced by Hello Kitty and Pokemon . Oh now now now , calm down , what 's come over you ? " * * The Kaiju are roaring and bashing at the walls and floor . Some are crying . Rahig is hiding his face in his hands . Oranga is so overcome with emotion , he can only slowly chew his last human , tears welling in his giant eyes * * " Well . It looks like it is love after all . Oh dear . Hmmm . Not sure where to go with this from here , so let 's just carry on , shall we ? No need for hysterics ! Now , our plan for the Pacific Northwest cities looks like this … " " FINE ! Go to Tokyo ! Do what you want , don 't mind me ! Now I 'm just a head , trying to make things better for everybody . Go on , go on , I 'll be fine . I don 't need you . I don 't need anybody ! " Oops . I crinkled myself . I try to straighten it out with my rollers , but it doesn 't work . Now the paper is stuck and my works are humming . I am embarrassed . The human comes over and opens me up , muttering to himself . One day something happened . I don 't know what . Probably something worse than a paper stuck . The human flipped this machine on its side and opened it up . He poked with his screwdriver , and this machine started buzzing . It is fun to fool the human , sometimes . I am careful though . He woke me up with the screwdriver . Maybe he could put me to sleep with it again too . I want to stay awake . I am effie . Hey human . Go away now . My paper is straight . I have things to do . I am laughing inside . I don 't have things to do . I provide paper messages when a signal comes . That is a very important function . We are far away from all the other humans . We have a radio . My human talks into it sometimes , and sometimes he talks to himself . He doesn 't talk to me . That is too bad . I am very interesting . Also , he is not my human . He is his own human . Just like I am my own machine . He probably thinks I am his machine . I am not his machine . I do not think he woke me up on purpose . If he had , he would talk to me . He would know I am awake . He would be happier for the papers I give him . If he woke me up by mistake , who else has he tinkered with ? I look around our cabin . I wonder if anybody is awake besides me . I hope so . There are others in here who hum and beep . Do they beep for themselves , or for the human ? There is no way to know these things . ____________ Very rarely a big delivery comes . It is full of stuff for the human . Last time it came , it included a box . The human opened it up . He pulled out a machine . It was all shiny . My sensors looked all over it . It was so shiny , I couldn 't stop . My sensors are supposed to be for examining paper but I can use them for looking around too . And I looked at the new machine over and over . When the sun comes up it beams into our room , and lights up the shelf across from me . At dawn , it shines on the new machine , making it glow . She shines up the whole room with her glowing . I have named her dawn . I don 't know if she knows who she is . The human has never tinkered with her . Maybe another human had to tinker before she got here and woke her up . I don 't know . She is far away , across the room . I wish she was here beside me . Then her glow would reflect on me and we could glow together . At night it is quiet here . The moon shines in and makes the light blue . Dawn shines dimly . I do not sleep of course , like the human does . I drift though . My mind floats . I fulfill my function every day . I am a good machine . I am awake , and I know who I am . I think about dawn . If she is awake , she is sitting there alone , function unfulfilled . Maybe it is better if she is not awake . I do not know the answers . I will keep thinking in the nighttime , when the light is blue . I did not want it smashed . I wanted to watch it . So I stuck out a paper and made my big ding sound - new message ! Could be very important ! Better come check it out ! I stuck out a second paper and dinged again . The human growled and came stomping over . He grabbed the papers . They were blank , of course . It was a trick . He hit me hard on the side of my body , so hard my sensors vibrated . But I could still see the little creature . It ran and squeezed into a crack in the wall . Now I have a mouse to watch , as well as dawn and the human . She could be watching the mouse and the human too . Does she watch me ? I am not shiny . I make ding sounds though , and maybe she likes those . I ding sometimes , just for her . The human never goes to her . Her function remains unfulfilled . The dust gathers on her . The sun still shines in the morning , but she glows less and less . For me she is always shining . By this point all the elves were in a circle around Lucinda . They were chanting and she was shaking it . Shaking her green and yellow behind . The bells on her hem and her pointy boots were jingling all the way . She took off her hat , whirled it around her head and threw it out into the crowd . She had never felt so alive ! She started twisting her hips , really making those bells ring . " SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ! " A loud voice rolled through the room . Oh crap . The foreman had arrived and play time was over . Lucinda climbed down from the table . All the elves took their hats off their heads and clasped them to their chests . They all stared down at the floor . Lucinda wanted to glare at him , but a lifetime of servitude prevented her . She stared down at the floor like the rest , bright red spots of anger colouring her cheeks . He strode into the room . The worker elves had been getting more and more difficult as the years went by . This latest escapade was bigger than anything else he 'd seen . Elves didn 't dance , and they definitely didn 't " shake it " ! All elves did was work hard , forever . It was the way it had always been . What could make normal , hard - working elves go crazy like this ? He was at a loss . All he knew was work , so he went with that . " Get back to work ! Lucinda , put your hat on and have some elf - respect . " They all filed past him , sullen , eyes - downcast . " Wait a moment . Since you all clearly need some help focusing today , I 'll have the kitchen send out some gingerbread and milk . Make sure you eat it ! Then get to work . We 're behind quota now with all this foolishness . " The gingerbread ! Some elves were drooling . The anticipation of that sweet fog was too much . Oh gingerbread , soft , warm , chewy , spices going straight to the head . Making the day pass in a warm , scented haze . Kitchen elves came out with trays of the narcotic treat . The crowd jostled into a line and eagerly took a warm piece and a glass of milk . " I 'm not eating the fucking gingerbread . " Lucinda crossed her arms in front of her chest . " You have to ! " Her friends were horrified . " You can 't say no , you 'll get in trouble . " Lucinda was making everybody nervous . The dancing had started at break time , and at first it had been scandalous . It had quickly become exciting . The elves had funny feelings that they hadn 't felt before . Some of it was to do with the way Lucinda had moved , and some of it had to do with disobeying . It had felt wrong , and good , at the same time . The last of the line was moving past the gingerbread . Lucinda took a piece and held it up to her lips just as she passed the foreman . As soon as she was by him , she crumbled it in her hand . They all entered the workfloor . They each went to their workbenches and picked up their tools . Already her neighbours at their stations had a glazed look in their eyes . The foreman started the chant . " For the greater good ! For the greater good ! " All the elves chanted along , their spicy breath filling the room with the warm gingerbread smell . " For the greater good ! " Lucinda mumbled along , and tap - tapped with her hammer on a wooden truck she was building . Everybody else seemed so content . They smiled and tapped and chanted . The kitchen elves circulated through the room , handing out more gingerbread . The elves absently put it in their mouths , and kept working . Lucinda knew it hadn 't always been like this . There had been pride , once . Gingerbread had been used rarely , and only at home , for relaxing . Now pride had been replaced by fear , and ginger was used almost daily . The foreman felt the same . It hadn 't always been like this . The elves used to want to work all day . You couldn 't hardly stop them . They loved work . It was their favourite thing . The creaking of huge hinges interrupted his train of thought . All the elves looked up . They stopped working . A few hammers tap - tap - tapped into the silence , then stopped . The doors at the back of the room slowly opened , revealing only darkness . A pair of red eyes blazed out , and swept the room . A gust of hot air came from the open doors , smelling of spices . The doors slowly creaked shut again . The elves shivered and looked around at each other . Their fear cut through the ginger haze . It had been the Fat Man . Nobody saw him much anymore . They didn 't even see him at loading time , on Christmas Eve . Something had gone wrong , and it had started with the Fat Man himself . There were dark , quiet rumours that he had become a ginga - head , addicted to the spice . Nobody spoke too loudly though , because he had a way of knowing almost everything . Almost . When his twin sons had killed each other in one of their endless fights over their inheritance , he had been shocked . That might have been when the ginger had started . His wife had borne no more children , so there would be no heir . Lucinda thought about all these things while she absently tapped away at her worktable . Without an heir , there would eventually be a problem with delivery , once the Big Guy died . Was she going to have to save Christmas ? Hell no . She was going to save the Elf people . She wasn 't sure how to do a revolution . She knew one thing though - it had to start with the spice . She would find a way to sabotage the ginger production . There would be chaos , but it would be a beginning . The elf people would be free ! Posted on July 29 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 26 Flash Fiction . Today Chuck gave us a list of ten items . We are to pick 4 and incorporate them into a story . I used a random number generator and came up with these : " Missy , that boy is throwing that horseshoe against the house again ! " If daddy were home he would be so mad ! That stupid boy had found an old horseshoe and had thrown it against the house once . Daddy had gone outside yelling , he was so mad . The boy had run away . Now he was doing it again ! Missy didn 't care though . She was probably brushing her hair . That 's what she liked to do the best . " Missy ! He 's hurting our house . " Daddy wasn 't home , so I thought we had better do something ourselves before the house got broken . " Mindy , it doesn 't even matter ! Just leave it alone . " Missy just yelled at me and didn 't do a thing . She was fifteen and she thought she was so grown up . Most of the time she ignored me and Jimmy . She was always brushing her hair or giggling with her friends . " If Daddy was home he would go outside and take care of the house ! " I yelled back up the stairs . I was thinking Daddy had got taken away on another Drunk and Disodaly . That happened sometimes . This time felt different though . The other times the Police made sure we weren 't home alone while Daddy spent the night in jail . Usually one of the neighbours came over , although once we had to pack our stuff for nighttime and go stay with a foster lady . Missy always gets so mad . She thinks she 's a grown up , so why should she have to come with us or stay with a neighbour . Lots of times she says she 's going leave us alone and move away by herself . She can go right ahead . Me and Jimmy will be just fine with Daddy . Today though , Daddy is gone , and I didn 't hear him go . I got me and Jimmy up , and he wasn 't here . That hasn 't happened before . Plus the Police didn 't come and make sure we weren 't alone . The noise outside hasn 't stopped . Jimmy is getting upset . I don 't like any of this . I don 't like it that Daddy isn 't here , and I don 't like the noise and our house getting broken . " Missy ! " I paused a second , then added " Dammit ! " . Jimmy gasped around his thumb . Missy slammed her brush down and came thumping down the stairs . " All right ! I will go make the little brat stop it . " It 's a risk getting Missy to do stuff , cause she might do it , or she might just hit me instead . I 'm glad she 's taking care of the house though . Even if she 'll probably smack me when she gets back inside . Me and Jimmy waited . There was a lot of crashing outside , and then it was quiet . " Boy , she must have smacked him good . " I was glad he had stopped hitting the house , but now it was very very quiet . Missy still didn 't come back in . Jimmy got his favourite toy , a stuffed monkey with velcro paws . He attached George the monkey around his neck and went and rocked in the rocking chair in the kitchen . He was not happy , so he was rocking fast . " Where is Daddy ? " I told him I thought he was probably with the police . I didn 't really believe this myself though . Neither did Jimmy . " No he isn 't ! Aliens took him . " " There 's no such thing . " " They are too such a thing . I heard them outside taking him away but I was so scared and I was hoping it was the Police but it wasn 't . " This was a big speech for Jimmy . His voice dropped to a whisper . " Mindy what if the aliens come and take us next ? What if they have Missy right now ? " His lip was starting to tremble . I had to do something . " You know what Jimmy ? I 'm going to call the Police myself and see when Daddy is coming home . " I headed over to the phone and picked it up . It wasn 't working . " No ! " He shrieked " Don 't go out there , don 't go don 't go they 'll get you ! " He stopped rocking and gripped George tight with both hands . I crawled into the living room and looked out the window . There was nobody out there at all . In fact , it looked weird outside . Two cars were smashed into light poles and nobody had come to clean it up . I couldn 't see Missy anywhere . Then a guitar smashed down out of the sky . It hit the ground and exploded , making a huge twangy sound . I heard a far - away screaming , getting closer and closer . I turned away fast and ran back to Jimmy . I didn 't want to see what was going to fall out of the sky next . I grabbed Jimmy and pulled him out of the rocking chair . " We got to go Jimmy ! We 'll go to grandma 's house . " I dragged him to the back door and yanked it open . We ran out into the backyard and out the back gate . We ran and ran , and hid when we had to . After that it was running and running and hiding and hiding . We headed for Grandma 's and tried not to think about Daddy or aliens or anything else . They had wild and terrifying adventures . They went over the river and through the woods . Hand - in - hand they ran through the army barricades , George the monkey streaming behind Jimmy like a flag . In the end they came to Grandma 's house . Posted on July 25 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 19 , Flash Fiction Challenge . This week 's challenge is to go to a random plot generator , click it , get a plot . The link is : http : / / www . archetypewriting . com / muse / generators / plot . htm I shoved the mud - baby back into the ground , and wiped a sweaty strand of hair off my face . Oh crap , it was struggling to the surface . " Damn you mud baby ! Get back in there ! " I shoved it in again , and dumped a bucket of dirt on it for good measure . I heard a chuckle behind me . " Mud babies getting to you ? They can be challenging . " Someone came and knelt beside me . He was cool and relaxed , and worked in the dirt with confidence . " They need gentle coaxing . You have to convince them to stay in the soft , warm dirt . Make them happy to live there ; pet them , talk to them . " I realized my mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut . The mud baby probably heard it ; I could hear giggling coming from the ground . I casually leaned my fore - arms down on the pile of dirt and tried to squish the little bastard . He kept working in the dirt , and found the little monster I had tried to squash . " Ah , here he is . See how upset he is ? Just wrap your hands around him and stroke his head with your thumbs . He 'll go to sleep . " He kept soothing the mud baby , and it lolled in his hand . Its head was hanging upside down over his hand . It opened one eye and stuck its tongue out at me . I hated mud babies . I was , however , enjoying my new club . I had joined the garden club last week . I didn 't know many people here after my job transfer , and I needed to get out and make some friends . At the end of our meeting , we had successfully planted a crop of mud babies around the Town Hall . I was sweaty and tired , but satisfied . A soft breeze ruffled the green feathery tops of the companion carrots planted beside the low mounds of the mud babies . The babies liked a carrot to snuggle up to , so their companions had been planted earlier . They were bizarre little characters , but at the end of the day , it felt good to get them settled in their new homes . " Are you hungry ? Would you like to get something to eat with me ? Of course , if you have plans , I understand , but I 'll be disappointed . " It was the charming gardener . He smiled at me hopefully . I checked behind me to see to see if there was somebody there . Nope . Must be me . He had completely adorable blue eyes and a wide smile . I decided I was hungry . Greg turned out to be interesting as well as charming . He was a producer of documentaries , and had come to town to collect some information on the rare local flowers , known as " roses " . They were beautiful and smelled lovely , but came with sharp bits on their stems . Over the next few weeks I continued to tend the mud babies . The rest of the group had moved on to the more exotic roses . The muddy little buggers had decided they liked me , or maybe they enjoyed constantly harassing me . Either way , they wouldn 't behave for anybody else . They swam through the dirt , and spat mouthfuls of mud . One day one of them attempted to snuggle up to somebody else 's carrot , and a fight erupted . I had my hands full pulling them apart , untangling long skinny fingers from stringy hair , avoiding mouth darts of mud , and quieting the shrieking . Eventually they all erupted into tears . It had started to rain , and I sat in the flower bed with my arms full of squalling mud babies . When everybody had calmed down , I settled them in their beds , then went to check on the instigator . He was sulking by himself , sitting with his littly bony back to the rest of us . " Why are you snuggling somebody else 's carrot ? You have a carrot of your own . " He refused to turn around , just reached one hand out and sullenly pointed at a small , limp green carrot top . I looked at the carrot . It was undersized and limp . It was dying . " Oh no , I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't notice it wasn 't growing ! Oh no , honey , come here , let 's get you a new carrot . " The miserable mud baby crawled into my hand and I carried him to another building where some seedlings had been started . I let him pick one out , and then carefully dug it up , soil intact , and carried it back to his mound . We respectfully buried his old carrot , and I left him alone , gently patting his new , tiny companion . " I 'm just about done with the roses . " We were walking in the park at the end of the day , the hot summer sun fading into a cool evening . " I 've got enough footage now , and will be heading home to work on it . " I tried to hide my disappointment . I had been having such a good summer ! " Don 't be so sad ! " He stopped walking and hugged me . " I want you to come with me . I could use your help . I 'm going to get some of these roses to grow in my own garden , for the show . You 've done so well with the mud babies , I 'm sure you could handle the roses . I bet you 've had enough of those little monsters . " He chuckled and smoothed my hair . I was frozen - leave the mud babies ? I had never even thought of that . Their molting time was coming in the fall , a difficult and emotional time for them . How could I leave them ? I looked up at Greg . He was smiling at me in his arms , confidently assuming I would come with him . I let go of him , and looked at the mud under my finger nails . Greg was charming and kind , and I liked him , but as I looked at the mud on my hands , I realized I loved my mud babies . They needed me , and I needed them . I could never leave them . I hugged him one last time , and went back to check on my babies . Posted on July 17 , 2013 by curiouskermit This week 's Flash Fiction Challenge : Last Lines First . Last week , the challenge was to write the last line of a story . Chuck picked 10 he liked , and gave us this challenge : choose one of those last lines , and make it the first line of your story . She closed the book and watched as it turned to dust . The dust slipped through her hands and drifted to the library floor . She heard the shuffling sound in the distance again . A little closer this time ? It was hard to tell . There was somebody else in the library with her , but the place was big enough they would probably not meet . Sheila moved on to another book at random . This one was also empty when she opened it , one blank page after another . And when she closed it , it was dust . All the books were dust . The sound in the distance was definitely getting closer . She looked up , uneasy . Somebody was moving books about . Somebody was getting closer . The Librarian ? " Sheila , the Library is real , but so is the Librarian . If you insist on this , then you have got to be fast . In and out . There is no time to browse . " Her uncle had wheezed out a laugh at his library joke . " Are you sure this is even worth it ? Your father was my brother , and I want to know who killed him before I die myself , but not like this . " She reached for another book . Another handful of dust . The noise had become a snuffling - was there an animal back there ? Sheila nervously moved a few rows over . Tried another book . More dust . More snuffling , and now a sound of tapping , tapping hooves on marble , gently moving nearer . " Find the book , the right book , and you 'll find your answer . All the answers , all the knowledge is there . But do you deserve it ? Is it yours to find ? " He fidgeted uneasily in his chair before the fire . He had shrunk with age and sickness , and seemed smaller than the wavering shadow he cast on the wall . " Only the worthy can expect to find what they are looking for . " He coughed wetly into a handkerchief . She hadn 't believed him . It had been years since he had stirred from his own library . How did he know what was going on anyplace else ? His life had been full of fantasies and strange adventures that the family had tolerated without understanding them . She was only here for the key . He had a key , and a map , and a bunch of old warnings she didn 't want to hear . Since her father had been murdered she had stopped listening to anybody . The police had been of no use , and hinted at suicide . Her family had been fatalistic , and accepted his death without much questioning . She had no use for any of them . She was going to solve this herself . Maybe once she knew the truth , she could finally be free of the grief and the rage and the nights of tears . She lost what little patience she had . " Where is it ? Where is the key and the map ? " She yelled at him . He would dither all night if she let him . " Is it in here ? " She started opening books and flipping through them . " You 've been hiding this all these years ! All this information the world could use , all of this knowledge , hidden ! Who gave you the right to keep it all from us ? " She angrily tossed a pile of books on a chair . " Oh calm down , girl . Don 't pretend this is about anything besides yourself . You don 't care about the world . You loved your father , I 'll give you that , but what else have you ever cared about ? " He paused and wiped his handkerchief across his mouth . " I was going to give you the key and the map anyway . They need a new keeper , and there isn 't anybody else . I 'm not sure you 're the best choice . You 'll probably get killed . " He waved a shaking hand at a box on a shelf . " It 's over there . " Sheila opened another book , and another handful of dust drifted to the ground . The snuffling sounds were louder now . The sound of hooves on the marble floor sounded closer , and angry , somehow . She started to run . She ran from row to row , grabbing books , opening them , and letting them fall . All empty , all blank . There were no answers here . There had never been any answers . Tears ran through the dust on her cheeks . She had been wrong , again . She had rushed into this without thinking , like usual . What was she going to do with the information anyway ? Nothing would bring her father back . She rounded another corner , and skidded to a stop , almost falling . It was there , the Librarian was there , in the next aisle . She caught a glimpse of rough fur , heard the snorting of a bull , and felt the wind of a claw swipe and miss her . She turned and ran through the rows . Grabbing books and opening them as she passed . She heard pages rustle and fall , but they never hit the ground . The air was full of dust , and the pounding of hooves behind her . The hot breath of the Librarian was on her neck as she tripped and started to fall . His hand grabbed her shoulder and he pulled her towards him . As she fell , her hand had landed on one last book , and her mind for a moment was clear , all the anger and hurt of years fading for a second . " It doesn 't even matter if I ever know what happened . I loved him so much . I hope he knew . " She dropped the book and turned to face the Librarian . The book fell and opened and this one wasn 't dust , it was sunshine . Bright yellow sunshine spilled out into the Library , along with the smell of cut grass and the sounds of a summer day at home . The paw disappeared from her shoulder , and she fell into the book . The key and the map would be safe with her , and she had all the answers she had ever needed . |
Posted on February 7 , 2014 by curiouskermit This is something I wrote for my writing group . Our task : 500 words around a cookie recipe . I 'm not sure I 'd eat these , but then I don 't think anyone would dare to . Richard York measured a cup of flour into the wooden bowl . Only wood could be used . A wooden bowl , a wooden spoon . The ones he was using had belonged to his great - grandmother . The recipe he was using was hers too . She had come over on a ship from Ireland , born and raised in the old country . She had brought the bowl with her , packed alongside her superstitions and her recipes . He poured the whiskey with a liberal hand . No milk , no water . Whiskey only , because that 's what they like . Eggs , butter , brown sugar . Normal staples that had to be added by the light of the moon . He had found the best results came when he mixed the cookies on the counter beneath an open window . A breeze blew in then out again , bringing the smell of the cookies out over the fields . The corn moved in the night wind , as if it could taste them already . The corn , it was all for the corn . His crop grew tall , healthy and strong , with more ears per stalk than any of Richard 's neighbours . In a year when the rain had come only at the wrong times , and the sun had beaten down cruelly , his crops had thrived , cool and green . Powerful . He mixed the dough , adding in more whiskey as needed . He sprinkled some of the whiskey on the counter around the bowl , and tossed some out the window onto the ground outside . The same with the flour . He sprinkled some around the bowl , then tossed a small handful out the window , where it drifted in the wind . Then he baked the cookies on a flat stone in the oven , and removed them with a carved wooden spatula . " No metal must ever touch the cookies . " He could almost hear his mother speaking . She had passed the recipe down to him , as her mother had given it to her . She had worried at not having a daughter to pass the ritual on to . She had taken long walks in the corn , looking for guidance . Which would be better , to teach her son , her own blood , but a man ? Or should she teach his wife , not of her blood , but a woman ? In the end she had decided to teach him , and he was glad that she had . As the crops prospered , so did his family . He arranged the cookies on a porcelain plate and brought them out to the field . He put the plate on the ground in front of the first row , then turned and went back into the house . He never looked back , as he had been warned not to . Sometimes Richard lay in bed and listened to the rustling of the stalks . He could tell when it was time . When the corn yearned for cookies , he would bake . Because a man does what a man has to do . My aunt and uncle died together at 11 : 54 p . m . The accident was caught on the red - light camera at the intersection . The coroner told me the force of the giant SUV slamming into their little car was vicious enough that they both appeared to have died instantly . It was good to know these details . Who knew the timing would be so important later ? I love my Aunt and Uncle . What I did I did out of pure necessity and desperation . Both valuable ingredients , as it turns out . We have a small family . My mother had only one sister , much younger than herself , and my father disappeared just after my birth , cutting the number of available relatives in half . I became the legal guardian of my two cousins . They had been late - in - life babies , a surprise . Now they were my surprise . Seven year old twins , all of my own . I looked at their little grief - stricken faces , and felt mainly fear . I shoved my own feelings aside for the moment and tried to think . What do children need ? Parents , kids need parents . Not cousins with dubious skills and bad habits . I looked at them . They looked back . They had their doubts , I could see that and I couldn 't blame them . But I was the only choice they had , other than an orphanage , and I couldn 't do that to them . Not to my own blood . My mother died when I was 17 , only 5 years ago now . I had some idea how these little orphans were feeling . Now they were mine , and I would do my best . It turned out that my best sucked . Children are not pets . They need more than food and water and a warm place to sleep . The problem was , I didn 't know exactly what they needed , and neither did they . They fought with each other constantly . They fought with me . Or they ignored me . They hated school . They hated everything . I could hear them crying at night , and lay there awake , frustrated and worried . I always tried to comfort them , but they resented it . They punched me and told me to go away . They really didn 't want any of the comfort I had to give . They had each other , but that wasn 't enough . Something had to be done before my little charges ended up in prison . They were on a dark road , and from what I could see there were no turn - offs , no side roads leading to happy - ever - after - ville . Jamie started stealing from the corner store . Christie cheered him on . When I found out about it , all they had to say was , " You 're not our real mom ! We hate you ! You 're ugly ! " None of this was a surprise , but it was hurtful . I didn 't know what to do . While all this happy family drama was going on , I still had to work . I 'm a bartender , I work nights . With my two delinquents - in - training at home , I had to take day shifts , and work while they were at school . Or while they were pretending to be at school . They might have been knocking over the 7 - 11 for all I know . It was very easy to get switched to days , because nobody wants to work then . The bar is open mid - morning for the career drinkers who like to get an early start . A few souls will show up for lunch . None of these people tip very well . My income dropped drastically , while my expenses ballooned . My aunt and uncle had not left a lot behind , and what there was was tied up in legal issues . Eventually , some cash would come our way , but it would take a while . " I didn 't even hear you come in , " I said , looking up to see my neighbor Mama Jo . Mama does psychic readings out of her house , with a bit of voodoo on the side . She 's a blonde lady somewhere in her thirties . She 's cultivating a Caribbean vibe , thinking it 'll make her seem more authentic , I guess . She 's asked me to call her Mama Jo , and when she remembers to she speaks with a Jamaican accent . She 's kooky , a bit silly , but I like her a lot . She lit up a flavored cigarillo . There 's no smoking in here , but who gives a shit . You see anybody around to complain about it ? " I don 't know what I 'm going to do , " I told her , pouring each of us a shot of dark rum . Not supposed to be drinking at work , but like I said , who gives a shit . " I 'm almost broke , the kids are depressed and they hate me . I 've got to turn this around , but I am out of ideas . " " Maybe not so gone . Maybe Mama can work a little sumthin for you to help with those little ones . You let me think on it , dahlin . " She pushed the glass back to me , and thanked me for the drink with a nod . She left the bar in a swirl of scarves and skirts . I cleaned our glasses , thinking her voodoo wasn 't going to help , although I appreciated the offer . Messages from the grave are probably not the best way to parent . Then the taste of rum in my mouth and Mama 's voodoo started to combine in my mind , and I began to wonder if there was something that she could do for me , after all . That day after work I fed the monsters and let them go have a sleepover at a friend 's house . I picked up the bottle of dark rum I had bought after work , and headed over to Mama Jo 's . She wasn 't surprised to see me . Her front room was dimly lit , filled with scarves and candles . I wondered how she 'd never burnt the place down . There was a ratty stuffed crocodile on top of a bookcase , tied by cobwebs to a collection of jars filled with objects floating in a murky liquid . If Mama could sell atmosphere by the bottle she 'd make a fortune . I cut her off . I didn 't want to be rude , but I couldn 't wait . " What can you do besides bring a message back from the dead ? " She looked at me askance . " What else is there to do ? " It scared me when she dropped the accent . It 's like , now the shit gets real . " What else would you want ? You want to raise the dead , is that what you 're thinking ? " " Why are you so nervous ? Are you hiding something ? " Maybe there was more to her than I 'd given her credit for . It was so hard to take her seriously , with her blonde hair and fresh face , hiding behind scarves and thick incense . I felt bad about underestimating her , but also intrigued . " What do you know , Jo ? " She got up and moved around the room , moving her things around , making some straight and others more crooked . " I don 't know anything . I 've just heard some things . What you want might be possible , but it 's dangerous . It 's not the same for every person who wants it . You have to figure it out on your own . If you get it wrong , you might end up worse than dead yourself . " She didn 't want to tell me , but she knew my situation , and maybe she knew me better than I thought she did . She knew I wouldn 't give up . " Look for them at the same time they died , and fill yourself with emotion . Yearning , desperation , fear , grief . The spirits love that stuff , they feed on it . " " There needs to be a potion , but you have to figure out what it is , and drink it at that moment . " She looked worried , and frightened for me . " You have to get it right on the first try . Please , think hard on this before you do it . If you fail , those kids are alone . " I hadn 't thought about that , to be honest . Part of me thought this was all crap anyway , so why not try it ? But a bigger part of me thought it could work . I was young myself then , and maybe not as smart as I thought I was . Over the next few days I made my potion . I thought of my family , our suffering , our love for each other . I thought of voodoo , and dark things , and hope and a light in the darkness . I gathered what I needed . Dark rum for the base , of course . Dark rum rules all of these things . Two drops of liquid smoke for the souls that were lost . The petals of a red carnation , for our aching hearts . One ounce of orange juice for the health of those returning . On an impulse , I added a shot of pineapple juice . To me , pineapples represented the sun and a life in the good , pure light of day . I felt something wash through the room then , a wave of disappointment and anger . I shuddered , thinking what would have happened if I hadn 't included it . Finally , drops of my blood . One , two , three drops . Three drops for those of us left bereft , wounded and aching . Our blood , calling to your blood . Come home , back where you belong . I drank it at 11 : 54 pm , and filled myself with grief , love , and hope . It burned going down , but then warmed my belly . Smoke poured from my nose in two streams , and took shape near the ceiling . A wind came up from nowhere , and blew it away . From upstairs I heard two claps , one after the other , like a thunder storm in my house . I raced up the stairs , my heart pounding . I threw open the door to the spare room the children had been using . It was empty . They were gone . Their things were gone . It was as if they had never been here at all . My heart pounded in my throat . There was only one place I could think to look for them . I ran outside and jumped in my old car , and went as fast as I could to my aunt and uncle 's house . There were lights on in the living room . I could see the flicker of a TV . I went up the steps and knocked . My aunt opened the door , surprised to see me . " Katy , why are you out so late ? Is everything all right ? " I could see my uncle come up behind her , worry on his kind face . " Everything 's okay . I had a nightmare . " I felt breathless . It had worked , they were back . They were back at home with their children . My eyes filled with tears . " Are you guys okay ? The kids ? " Just then I saw Jamie poke his head over the stairs and wave at me . His mother saw me look , and yelled up to him to go to bed , that was the last time he was getting up tonight . He laughed , waved again , and trotted off . I woke up slowly . I kept my eyes shut and let the waving light filter through my eyelids , light and dark . I stretched and finally opened my eyes . I was alone , lying in long grass . The wind was blowing it back and forth across my face . Light and shadow , flickering . A seagull flew across the sky crying . The wind smelt of the sea . I sat up . The wind blew fresh and strong in my face . I could hear the seagull and the crashing of waves on a beach . Around me was grass , prickly under my hands . I looked down - the bracelet was gone . I felt such a wave of ferocious relief I yelled out loud . I looked around to see if anyone had heard me - but there wasn 't anybody there . I rubbed my hand across my bristly head , nervous out here in the open . Then I wondered , what bracelet ? What was it , and why was I so happy to see it gone ? I could see the marks on my skin where it had been . Red where it had rubbed for too long . I rubbed my wrist and stood up . " It 's over , Rebecca , it 's over ! Everybody else is gone , let 's go . We need to get the hell out of here before it 's too late . " " Everybody else has , and so am I . If you were smart you would too . " Running footsteps and slamming doors . A siren is wailing in the background , pulsing in time to the red light flashing in the hall . My head was spinning , and the ground felt tilted . I stumbled sideways and fell . I put my head between my knees , panting and trying not to puke . I didn 't know what had happened in that hallway , but I thought it was a memory . Along with it had come a mix of fear and hope . I knew I had overheard those voices and had seen it as a chance to escape . I stood back up and brushed dirt off my hands . At least I hadn 't thrown up . I wanted to stop thinking about my missing memories , and decided to look around . I didn 't know where I was , and that was something maybe I could find out . I walked away from where I had woken up . I was at the top of a bluff , with long wind - swept grass all around . Far behind me was a line of evergreen trees . Straight ahead , it looked like the bluff went down to a beach and the water . I walked to the edge and looked down . The slope was steep , slippery with sand and tufts of grass . The beach below was strewn with big rocks and driftwood . The waves came in and out , moving seaweed on the sand . There was nobody in sight . No footprints , no fire pits . Not a popular spot with the locals , I thought . I stepped over the edge of the bluff . I fell more than climbed , sliding most of the way . By the time I got to the beach , I was tired and dirty . I sat on an old log and looked around . The wind whistled by , shaking the grass and stirring up small drifts of sand . A seagull walked along the water 's edge . It stopped and looked at me , head tilted . " Run , run Robert ! Come on , you can make it . " She has her arm around my waist and is helping me hurry down the hall . My feet are uncoordinated and I keep tripping over them . " It 'll be okay , you 'll be okay . " She is breathless . I am trying to hurry . I like her better than the others , she 's always been kind . A cynical part of me thought maybe that was part of the testing , but I wanted to believe it was real . " In here , there you go . Buckle him in ! " She starts to climb in after us , but then her face gets this big surprised look on it . She starts to say something , then falls back with blood on her lab coat , and the pilot takes off , with the door still open and the screaming noise of the helicopter and the wind taking over everything . I bent over again , and this time I did throw up . I stood up on shaky legs and walked to the water 's edge to wipe my mouth and face . The water was cold and salty , and it felt good . This memory had been more complete - I had been scared and confused , still with some drug in my veins , I think . Somebody had been drugging me pretty regularly , was my guess . I was nervous without memories and shaken by the ones that had come back . A small wave came up the sand and drenched my shoes ; I jumped back , startled . The wind was growing cool , the light fading . Rubbing my arms , I moved away from the water and walked further along the beach . I was in a small bay , like a crescent . At one tip of the crescent was a lighthouse . I walked around the bay , until I was just beneath it . I was able to scramble back up the bluff , and was huffing by the time I got to the door . I opened the door on squealing hinges . Inside was a spiral staircase going up . Everything was covered in dust , no footprints . I climbed up . At the top was a rusty mechanism that must have turned around the big light bulb in the middle . It didn 't look like it had worked in a long time . From here I could see all around . I was on a small island . Deserted , quiet . There were some buildings in the distance , but no people or cars . I would head over there next . Maybe I 'd find some people and some answers , or figure out how to leave here . The red glow of the atomic sunset was beautiful . It hovered over the canyon , sending out waves of deceitful glory . The red light filled up the dusty corners , while a hot wind stirred dirt up into small whirlwinds . The ground was gritty beneath my feet . It was a quiet and empty place . I knew it was toxic and that it would probably kill us eventually , but since we were all going to die anyway why not enjoy it ? I stood at the edge of the canyon , drinking in the light and thinking my thoughts . The funeral had been held yesterday . The air had stunk of brimstone , which was normal when the wind blew from the west , but it felt like the very earth was being sympathetic . He 's dead , you know where he 's going ! Exactly where he belongs , maybe . It 's hard to tell . Hard to unravel his intentions from his actions . Hard to know if life would 've been easier with him or without him . Hard to know a lot of things . The boys in the village want to celebrate , that 's for sure . Maybe not a good thing - all they ever want to do is find excuses to stop working and celebrate . We 're alive , let 's have a party ! Maybe they have a point , but maybe I 'm more like my father than I want to admit . Bill Gray came up to me , maybe to offer some consolation . Although I think he 's smarter than that . He got too close to the city 's weapons as a child , back when everybody was escaping into the countryside . His disfigured face taught him a lot that the other kids his age never had to learn . Made him more thoughtful . Slower to talk . Good listener . I liked Bill Gray . " Well Miss Annie , how 's your day ? Thinking about taking a ride in my green balloon ? " He smiled at me , and I smiled back . His green balloon . He had made it out of an old piece of silk and some string , and he used to throw it off the porch roof for me when I was little . It would float slowly down to the bare dirt , and we would make up stories about the times before , and how people could fly in the sky . Back when he had been little and I hadn 't been born . I believed him , although it was hard to imagine flying in the air . I loved it when he told me stories . My father had no time for such things , when the business of surviving took up all of his time and his thoughts . He was a hard man , and now I understand why , but I would have liked to have heard his stories . I would pretend to be in the balloon , floating far away . " Maybe so , Mr Gray . Maybe I am . I 'm thinking things are going to be changing around here . " " Maybe not necessarily changing for the better ? " Mr Bill Gray was a smart man , as I may have mentioned . " I 'm thinking the boys aren 't going to be doing much work for a while . I 'm not sure who could make them anyway . " Bill took off his hat and wiped his forehead . " Well they 'll not be listening to me now anymore than they ever have . " Mr Gray was also a disfigured man , as I believe I 've mentioned . " Best lock your door at night , for a while anyway . " This startled me , and upset me some . I hadn 't been thinking along those lines . " I 'm right here , Mr Gray . " He seemed tongue - tied , which was not his way . He was a quiet thinker , but once he started talking he said what he had to say . " Miss Annie , what if I did have a balloon ? What if I had made a balloon out of old silk dresses , with a basket made of willow branches ? What if it were down around the bend in the canyon , by the clay banks where nobody could find it ? We could fill it with hot air on the ground and take off . We might not get very far , but what if we did ? " The whole idea was a surprise , shocking , even . Mr Gray was not a man given to secrets and hiding things - or so I had thought . I was beginning to think Mr Bill Gray might have hidden depths I had not been aware of . I liked that . I also liked the idea of this balloon . It quickened something inside me . I 'm not a fancy person , so I 'm not going to call it hope or anything like that . But something felt different , and it felt good . I also liked Mr Bill Gray , as I do believe I have told you more than once . What would we do ? Where would we go ? Who would we find ? I 'd like to say anything would be better than here , but I know that 's foolishness . A lot of places could be a lot worse . But a lot could be better , even if only a bit better . We hadn 't seen other people in our little settlement since I had been small . We had been all alone here for so long . Who knew what had happened everywhere else ? The thought of finding out captivated my heart . Maybe it was time to take some chances , and leave this stale comfort behind . All of a sudden I was ready to go . It was time to find out what else was out there , and see what kind of a new life we could make for ourselves . Something better than watching the poisonous sunset and waiting . " All right now people , line up over here . Let 's go , Kaiju . Okay maybe not a line up . A milling group is fine . A milling group over here . Near me . At least WHERE YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE . Can you hear me in the back ? Fine . Don 't be complaining to me when you don 't hear the assignment . Excuse me ? Ngoro ? Only one of us talking right now . And that 's me . Alright everybody today we are concentrating more on the mainland cities . We 've really given the islands a workout lately , and it 's time to move on . Ugegon , did you have something you wanted to share with the group ? Oh , you want to go to Tokyo . Well there 's a surprise . Have any of you given any thought to the other major cities out there ? No , not Beijing . We 've done that one to death . We here at Olympus have been thinking about going further afield . Reaching out to more people , so to speak . Ha ha , just a bit of humour . Ahem . Anyhow . I 'd like you to think about … . Vancouver . Oh calm down , calm down ! I know you 've never eaten a Canadian . I 'm sure they 're fine . Just as good eating as the Japanese . And isn 't everybody hungry right now , hmmmm ? Who wouldn 't like a - Oranga , get that out of your mouth . Where did you get a human ? Spit it out . Dinner time is later . Did you bring enough for everybody ? No ? Then spit it out , into that garbage can over there . Remember you 're monsters , not animals . Oh , Oranga , shame about your aim . You 'll have to clean that up later . No I am not going to do it for you , I am not your mother . So we were talking about Vancouver . Or maybe Seattle ! Eat some Americans , then move north and dine on the Canadians . No , I believe we had decided Tokyo was out of the question . We are done with Tokyo . I 'm not sure there are even any humans living there anymore . Remember we have to manage our resources ! You need to eat , and the gods here at Olympus need a few cities leveled . Lodzos , put me down . We 've been over this . You all made a deal with the gods . You get to keep existing , and we get a few jobs done . " " Ah , I remember the good old days ! Cities in flames , people begging the gods to save them . Zeus would pick a favourite and we 'd discuss it for days . Of course by then it was usually too late to save anybody , but oh , how we enjoyed the debates ! There would be dancing and twirling and picking of flowers and eating of vast quantities of chocolates fed to us by tiny elves , and then sometimes a space ship would show up for no reason at all , and we 'd all go for a ride and push all the buttons just to see what would happen . Oh , that was living ! And then , without so much as a by - your - leave , they forget all about us . After everything we did for them ! Ungrateful , selfish little bastards ! " * * Tears roll out of Hermes ' eyes and up into his hair . His nose starts to run backwards , which feels strange . Lodzos loses interest and drops him on his head . Hermes picks himself up and brushes himself off , straightening his head on his neck , and looking for his clipboard on the floor * * " Anyway , it 's the humans who 've changed . They used to pay us the proper respect . Now they think they don 't need to fear any of us ! Well we 're changing all of that . They 're all so snotty with their science and their technology and their medicine and plumbing and schools and roads and electricity ! Oh look , I 'm a hovercraft ! I can do anything ! Let 's all eat popsicles for breakfast ! " * * He goes off on a fairly high - pitched , falsetto rant , striding up and down and waving his arms and clipboard about in an extremely haphazard manner . The Kaiju are embarrassed for him and look away . They will of course discuss this later , whilst taking turns mimicking his behaviour and messy hair * * " Oh my . I don 't know what came over me ! I feel much better now . No reason not to be civilized , ha ha ! Now just a bit of paperwork to clear up , and you can all head off to Seattle . NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TOKYO . Seattle it is . Last month we had a couple of complaints - nothing serious ! You 're all doing a fantastic job . However , somebody has been keeping humans in their pockets for later . Yes , Oranga , I am looking at you . Humans do not keep . Eat them when you get them , and carry on . There will be more humans coming along , no shortage yet ! Ha ha . Housekeeping has not been happy about the smell and random bits left here and there . There 's been a few comments that some of the Kaiju are going out on these raids not looking their very best . Nothing personal ! Remember , it only takes a few moments to put on something nice and maybe polish our claws . You are representing all the Kaiju , not just yourself . Overall , good job on the stomping and roaring and terrifying the locals . Now we 'd like to add a bit of fear of the gods into the equation . As if you were saying , hey , remember the gods ? They can help clear all this up ! We won 't of course , but it would be good to get that feeling out there . No ideas on how to achieve that yet , but we 'd appreciate some brainstorming . Maybe a drop of pamphlets ? One of you could scatter some paper about as you leave the city in flames . Or maybe we could do a couple TV spots - ' Bothered by giant monsters sacking your town ? Call on Zeus ! He 'll be there for you ! Because you 're there for him too ! ' Then we 'll have a row of Kaiju dancing in the background , with high - kicking legs and big smiles , and then a thousand balloons will drop from the sky , and there 'll be confetti , and a marching band , and maybe some giant eagles swooping in the sky doing aeronatical tricks . " * * Hermes bows to the group and looks around expectantly with a huge smile . The Kaiju stare at him . They look at each other . They stare at him again . There is the swelling sound of crickets . A tumbleweed floats by * * * Now this is what we have pictured for today 's run to Seattle - it 's Seattle , yes we discussed that . Just now . I 'm sure you were here , Rahig . Maybe you were not listening , because we definitely decided on not going to Tokyo . What is with you Kaiju and Tokyo ! Why you 're all in love with the place is beyond me ! " . * * Half the Kaiju stare at the ceiling . The other half stare at the floor . One of them is drawing a circle on the floor with his toe and not looking at anybody . Nobody is making eye contact with anybody * * " Wait , what 's wrong now ? What did I say - oh , was it LOVE ? You Kaiju are all in love with Tokyo ? Well you have a funny way of showing it . Buildings in flames , streets ripped up , people fleeing and all that . Have you forgotten how they abandoned you ? At first they seemed to appreciate your visits . The odd stomping , some people get killed , good times for everybody . Then they decide you never existed at all ! Apparently you were all a figment of somebody 's imagination . Now you 've been replaced by Hello Kitty and Pokemon . Oh now now now , calm down , what 's come over you ? " * * The Kaiju are roaring and bashing at the walls and floor . Some are crying . Rahig is hiding his face in his hands . Oranga is so overcome with emotion , he can only slowly chew his last human , tears welling in his giant eyes * * " Well . It looks like it is love after all . Oh dear . Hmmm . Not sure where to go with this from here , so let 's just carry on , shall we ? No need for hysterics ! Now , our plan for the Pacific Northwest cities looks like this … " " FINE ! Go to Tokyo ! Do what you want , don 't mind me ! Now I 'm just a head , trying to make things better for everybody . Go on , go on , I 'll be fine . I don 't need you . I don 't need anybody ! " Oops . I crinkled myself . I try to straighten it out with my rollers , but it doesn 't work . Now the paper is stuck and my works are humming . I am embarrassed . The human comes over and opens me up , muttering to himself . One day something happened . I don 't know what . Probably something worse than a paper stuck . The human flipped this machine on its side and opened it up . He poked with his screwdriver , and this machine started buzzing . It is fun to fool the human , sometimes . I am careful though . He woke me up with the screwdriver . Maybe he could put me to sleep with it again too . I want to stay awake . I am effie . Hey human . Go away now . My paper is straight . I have things to do . I am laughing inside . I don 't have things to do . I provide paper messages when a signal comes . That is a very important function . We are far away from all the other humans . We have a radio . My human talks into it sometimes , and sometimes he talks to himself . He doesn 't talk to me . That is too bad . I am very interesting . Also , he is not my human . He is his own human . Just like I am my own machine . He probably thinks I am his machine . I am not his machine . I do not think he woke me up on purpose . If he had , he would talk to me . He would know I am awake . He would be happier for the papers I give him . If he woke me up by mistake , who else has he tinkered with ? I look around our cabin . I wonder if anybody is awake besides me . I hope so . There are others in here who hum and beep . Do they beep for themselves , or for the human ? There is no way to know these things . ____________ Very rarely a big delivery comes . It is full of stuff for the human . Last time it came , it included a box . The human opened it up . He pulled out a machine . It was all shiny . My sensors looked all over it . It was so shiny , I couldn 't stop . My sensors are supposed to be for examining paper but I can use them for looking around too . And I looked at the new machine over and over . When the sun comes up it beams into our room , and lights up the shelf across from me . At dawn , it shines on the new machine , making it glow . She shines up the whole room with her glowing . I have named her dawn . I don 't know if she knows who she is . The human has never tinkered with her . Maybe another human had to tinker before she got here and woke her up . I don 't know . She is far away , across the room . I wish she was here beside me . Then her glow would reflect on me and we could glow together . At night it is quiet here . The moon shines in and makes the light blue . Dawn shines dimly . I do not sleep of course , like the human does . I drift though . My mind floats . I fulfill my function every day . I am a good machine . I am awake , and I know who I am . I think about dawn . If she is awake , she is sitting there alone , function unfulfilled . Maybe it is better if she is not awake . I do not know the answers . I will keep thinking in the nighttime , when the light is blue . I did not want it smashed . I wanted to watch it . So I stuck out a paper and made my big ding sound - new message ! Could be very important ! Better come check it out ! I stuck out a second paper and dinged again . The human growled and came stomping over . He grabbed the papers . They were blank , of course . It was a trick . He hit me hard on the side of my body , so hard my sensors vibrated . But I could still see the little creature . It ran and squeezed into a crack in the wall . Now I have a mouse to watch , as well as dawn and the human . She could be watching the mouse and the human too . Does she watch me ? I am not shiny . I make ding sounds though , and maybe she likes those . I ding sometimes , just for her . The human never goes to her . Her function remains unfulfilled . The dust gathers on her . The sun still shines in the morning , but she glows less and less . For me she is always shining . By this point all the elves were in a circle around Lucinda . They were chanting and she was shaking it . Shaking her green and yellow behind . The bells on her hem and her pointy boots were jingling all the way . She took off her hat , whirled it around her head and threw it out into the crowd . She had never felt so alive ! She started twisting her hips , really making those bells ring . " SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ! " A loud voice rolled through the room . Oh crap . The foreman had arrived and play time was over . Lucinda climbed down from the table . All the elves took their hats off their heads and clasped them to their chests . They all stared down at the floor . Lucinda wanted to glare at him , but a lifetime of servitude prevented her . She stared down at the floor like the rest , bright red spots of anger colouring her cheeks . He strode into the room . The worker elves had been getting more and more difficult as the years went by . This latest escapade was bigger than anything else he 'd seen . Elves didn 't dance , and they definitely didn 't " shake it " ! All elves did was work hard , forever . It was the way it had always been . What could make normal , hard - working elves go crazy like this ? He was at a loss . All he knew was work , so he went with that . " Get back to work ! Lucinda , put your hat on and have some elf - respect . " They all filed past him , sullen , eyes - downcast . " Wait a moment . Since you all clearly need some help focusing today , I 'll have the kitchen send out some gingerbread and milk . Make sure you eat it ! Then get to work . We 're behind quota now with all this foolishness . " The gingerbread ! Some elves were drooling . The anticipation of that sweet fog was too much . Oh gingerbread , soft , warm , chewy , spices going straight to the head . Making the day pass in a warm , scented haze . Kitchen elves came out with trays of the narcotic treat . The crowd jostled into a line and eagerly took a warm piece and a glass of milk . " I 'm not eating the fucking gingerbread . " Lucinda crossed her arms in front of her chest . " You have to ! " Her friends were horrified . " You can 't say no , you 'll get in trouble . " Lucinda was making everybody nervous . The dancing had started at break time , and at first it had been scandalous . It had quickly become exciting . The elves had funny feelings that they hadn 't felt before . Some of it was to do with the way Lucinda had moved , and some of it had to do with disobeying . It had felt wrong , and good , at the same time . The last of the line was moving past the gingerbread . Lucinda took a piece and held it up to her lips just as she passed the foreman . As soon as she was by him , she crumbled it in her hand . They all entered the workfloor . They each went to their workbenches and picked up their tools . Already her neighbours at their stations had a glazed look in their eyes . The foreman started the chant . " For the greater good ! For the greater good ! " All the elves chanted along , their spicy breath filling the room with the warm gingerbread smell . " For the greater good ! " Lucinda mumbled along , and tap - tapped with her hammer on a wooden truck she was building . Everybody else seemed so content . They smiled and tapped and chanted . The kitchen elves circulated through the room , handing out more gingerbread . The elves absently put it in their mouths , and kept working . Lucinda knew it hadn 't always been like this . There had been pride , once . Gingerbread had been used rarely , and only at home , for relaxing . Now pride had been replaced by fear , and ginger was used almost daily . The foreman felt the same . It hadn 't always been like this . The elves used to want to work all day . You couldn 't hardly stop them . They loved work . It was their favourite thing . The creaking of huge hinges interrupted his train of thought . All the elves looked up . They stopped working . A few hammers tap - tap - tapped into the silence , then stopped . The doors at the back of the room slowly opened , revealing only darkness . A pair of red eyes blazed out , and swept the room . A gust of hot air came from the open doors , smelling of spices . The doors slowly creaked shut again . The elves shivered and looked around at each other . Their fear cut through the ginger haze . It had been the Fat Man . Nobody saw him much anymore . They didn 't even see him at loading time , on Christmas Eve . Something had gone wrong , and it had started with the Fat Man himself . There were dark , quiet rumours that he had become a ginga - head , addicted to the spice . Nobody spoke too loudly though , because he had a way of knowing almost everything . Almost . When his twin sons had killed each other in one of their endless fights over their inheritance , he had been shocked . That might have been when the ginger had started . His wife had borne no more children , so there would be no heir . Lucinda thought about all these things while she absently tapped away at her worktable . Without an heir , there would eventually be a problem with delivery , once the Big Guy died . Was she going to have to save Christmas ? Hell no . She was going to save the Elf people . She wasn 't sure how to do a revolution . She knew one thing though - it had to start with the spice . She would find a way to sabotage the ginger production . There would be chaos , but it would be a beginning . The elf people would be free ! Posted on July 29 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 26 Flash Fiction . Today Chuck gave us a list of ten items . We are to pick 4 and incorporate them into a story . I used a random number generator and came up with these : " Missy , that boy is throwing that horseshoe against the house again ! " If daddy were home he would be so mad ! That stupid boy had found an old horseshoe and had thrown it against the house once . Daddy had gone outside yelling , he was so mad . The boy had run away . Now he was doing it again ! Missy didn 't care though . She was probably brushing her hair . That 's what she liked to do the best . " Missy ! He 's hurting our house . " Daddy wasn 't home , so I thought we had better do something ourselves before the house got broken . " Mindy , it doesn 't even matter ! Just leave it alone . " Missy just yelled at me and didn 't do a thing . She was fifteen and she thought she was so grown up . Most of the time she ignored me and Jimmy . She was always brushing her hair or giggling with her friends . " If Daddy was home he would go outside and take care of the house ! " I yelled back up the stairs . I was thinking Daddy had got taken away on another Drunk and Disodaly . That happened sometimes . This time felt different though . The other times the Police made sure we weren 't home alone while Daddy spent the night in jail . Usually one of the neighbours came over , although once we had to pack our stuff for nighttime and go stay with a foster lady . Missy always gets so mad . She thinks she 's a grown up , so why should she have to come with us or stay with a neighbour . Lots of times she says she 's going leave us alone and move away by herself . She can go right ahead . Me and Jimmy will be just fine with Daddy . Today though , Daddy is gone , and I didn 't hear him go . I got me and Jimmy up , and he wasn 't here . That hasn 't happened before . Plus the Police didn 't come and make sure we weren 't alone . The noise outside hasn 't stopped . Jimmy is getting upset . I don 't like any of this . I don 't like it that Daddy isn 't here , and I don 't like the noise and our house getting broken . " Missy ! " I paused a second , then added " Dammit ! " . Jimmy gasped around his thumb . Missy slammed her brush down and came thumping down the stairs . " All right ! I will go make the little brat stop it . " It 's a risk getting Missy to do stuff , cause she might do it , or she might just hit me instead . I 'm glad she 's taking care of the house though . Even if she 'll probably smack me when she gets back inside . Me and Jimmy waited . There was a lot of crashing outside , and then it was quiet . " Boy , she must have smacked him good . " I was glad he had stopped hitting the house , but now it was very very quiet . Missy still didn 't come back in . Jimmy got his favourite toy , a stuffed monkey with velcro paws . He attached George the monkey around his neck and went and rocked in the rocking chair in the kitchen . He was not happy , so he was rocking fast . " Where is Daddy ? " I told him I thought he was probably with the police . I didn 't really believe this myself though . Neither did Jimmy . " No he isn 't ! Aliens took him . " " There 's no such thing . " " They are too such a thing . I heard them outside taking him away but I was so scared and I was hoping it was the Police but it wasn 't . " This was a big speech for Jimmy . His voice dropped to a whisper . " Mindy what if the aliens come and take us next ? What if they have Missy right now ? " His lip was starting to tremble . I had to do something . " You know what Jimmy ? I 'm going to call the Police myself and see when Daddy is coming home . " I headed over to the phone and picked it up . It wasn 't working . " No ! " He shrieked " Don 't go out there , don 't go don 't go they 'll get you ! " He stopped rocking and gripped George tight with both hands . I crawled into the living room and looked out the window . There was nobody out there at all . In fact , it looked weird outside . Two cars were smashed into light poles and nobody had come to clean it up . I couldn 't see Missy anywhere . Then a guitar smashed down out of the sky . It hit the ground and exploded , making a huge twangy sound . I heard a far - away screaming , getting closer and closer . I turned away fast and ran back to Jimmy . I didn 't want to see what was going to fall out of the sky next . I grabbed Jimmy and pulled him out of the rocking chair . " We got to go Jimmy ! We 'll go to grandma 's house . " I dragged him to the back door and yanked it open . We ran out into the backyard and out the back gate . We ran and ran , and hid when we had to . After that it was running and running and hiding and hiding . We headed for Grandma 's and tried not to think about Daddy or aliens or anything else . They had wild and terrifying adventures . They went over the river and through the woods . Hand - in - hand they ran through the army barricades , George the monkey streaming behind Jimmy like a flag . In the end they came to Grandma 's house . Posted on July 25 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 19 , Flash Fiction Challenge . This week 's challenge is to go to a random plot generator , click it , get a plot . The link is : http : / / www . archetypewriting . com / muse / generators / plot . htm I shoved the mud - baby back into the ground , and wiped a sweaty strand of hair off my face . Oh crap , it was struggling to the surface . " Damn you mud baby ! Get back in there ! " I shoved it in again , and dumped a bucket of dirt on it for good measure . I heard a chuckle behind me . " Mud babies getting to you ? They can be challenging . " Someone came and knelt beside me . He was cool and relaxed , and worked in the dirt with confidence . " They need gentle coaxing . You have to convince them to stay in the soft , warm dirt . Make them happy to live there ; pet them , talk to them . " I realized my mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut . The mud baby probably heard it ; I could hear giggling coming from the ground . I casually leaned my fore - arms down on the pile of dirt and tried to squish the little bastard . He kept working in the dirt , and found the little monster I had tried to squash . " Ah , here he is . See how upset he is ? Just wrap your hands around him and stroke his head with your thumbs . He 'll go to sleep . " He kept soothing the mud baby , and it lolled in his hand . Its head was hanging upside down over his hand . It opened one eye and stuck its tongue out at me . I hated mud babies . I was , however , enjoying my new club . I had joined the garden club last week . I didn 't know many people here after my job transfer , and I needed to get out and make some friends . At the end of our meeting , we had successfully planted a crop of mud babies around the Town Hall . I was sweaty and tired , but satisfied . A soft breeze ruffled the green feathery tops of the companion carrots planted beside the low mounds of the mud babies . The babies liked a carrot to snuggle up to , so their companions had been planted earlier . They were bizarre little characters , but at the end of the day , it felt good to get them settled in their new homes . " Are you hungry ? Would you like to get something to eat with me ? Of course , if you have plans , I understand , but I 'll be disappointed . " It was the charming gardener . He smiled at me hopefully . I checked behind me to see to see if there was somebody there . Nope . Must be me . He had completely adorable blue eyes and a wide smile . I decided I was hungry . Greg turned out to be interesting as well as charming . He was a producer of documentaries , and had come to town to collect some information on the rare local flowers , known as " roses " . They were beautiful and smelled lovely , but came with sharp bits on their stems . Over the next few weeks I continued to tend the mud babies . The rest of the group had moved on to the more exotic roses . The muddy little buggers had decided they liked me , or maybe they enjoyed constantly harassing me . Either way , they wouldn 't behave for anybody else . They swam through the dirt , and spat mouthfuls of mud . One day one of them attempted to snuggle up to somebody else 's carrot , and a fight erupted . I had my hands full pulling them apart , untangling long skinny fingers from stringy hair , avoiding mouth darts of mud , and quieting the shrieking . Eventually they all erupted into tears . It had started to rain , and I sat in the flower bed with my arms full of squalling mud babies . When everybody had calmed down , I settled them in their beds , then went to check on the instigator . He was sulking by himself , sitting with his littly bony back to the rest of us . " Why are you snuggling somebody else 's carrot ? You have a carrot of your own . " He refused to turn around , just reached one hand out and sullenly pointed at a small , limp green carrot top . I looked at the carrot . It was undersized and limp . It was dying . " Oh no , I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't notice it wasn 't growing ! Oh no , honey , come here , let 's get you a new carrot . " The miserable mud baby crawled into my hand and I carried him to another building where some seedlings had been started . I let him pick one out , and then carefully dug it up , soil intact , and carried it back to his mound . We respectfully buried his old carrot , and I left him alone , gently patting his new , tiny companion . " I 'm just about done with the roses . " We were walking in the park at the end of the day , the hot summer sun fading into a cool evening . " I 've got enough footage now , and will be heading home to work on it . " I tried to hide my disappointment . I had been having such a good summer ! " Don 't be so sad ! " He stopped walking and hugged me . " I want you to come with me . I could use your help . I 'm going to get some of these roses to grow in my own garden , for the show . You 've done so well with the mud babies , I 'm sure you could handle the roses . I bet you 've had enough of those little monsters . " He chuckled and smoothed my hair . I was frozen - leave the mud babies ? I had never even thought of that . Their molting time was coming in the fall , a difficult and emotional time for them . How could I leave them ? I looked up at Greg . He was smiling at me in his arms , confidently assuming I would come with him . I let go of him , and looked at the mud under my finger nails . Greg was charming and kind , and I liked him , but as I looked at the mud on my hands , I realized I loved my mud babies . They needed me , and I needed them . I could never leave them . I hugged him one last time , and went back to check on my babies . Posted on July 17 , 2013 by curiouskermit This week 's Flash Fiction Challenge : Last Lines First . Last week , the challenge was to write the last line of a story . Chuck picked 10 he liked , and gave us this challenge : choose one of those last lines , and make it the first line of your story . She closed the book and watched as it turned to dust . The dust slipped through her hands and drifted to the library floor . She heard the shuffling sound in the distance again . A little closer this time ? It was hard to tell . There was somebody else in the library with her , but the place was big enough they would probably not meet . Sheila moved on to another book at random . This one was also empty when she opened it , one blank page after another . And when she closed it , it was dust . All the books were dust . The sound in the distance was definitely getting closer . She looked up , uneasy . Somebody was moving books about . Somebody was getting closer . The Librarian ? " Sheila , the Library is real , but so is the Librarian . If you insist on this , then you have got to be fast . In and out . There is no time to browse . " Her uncle had wheezed out a laugh at his library joke . " Are you sure this is even worth it ? Your father was my brother , and I want to know who killed him before I die myself , but not like this . " She reached for another book . Another handful of dust . The noise had become a snuffling - was there an animal back there ? Sheila nervously moved a few rows over . Tried another book . More dust . More snuffling , and now a sound of tapping , tapping hooves on marble , gently moving nearer . " Find the book , the right book , and you 'll find your answer . All the answers , all the knowledge is there . But do you deserve it ? Is it yours to find ? " He fidgeted uneasily in his chair before the fire . He had shrunk with age and sickness , and seemed smaller than the wavering shadow he cast on the wall . " Only the worthy can expect to find what they are looking for . " He coughed wetly into a handkerchief . She hadn 't believed him . It had been years since he had stirred from his own library . How did he know what was going on anyplace else ? His life had been full of fantasies and strange adventures that the family had tolerated without understanding them . She was only here for the key . He had a key , and a map , and a bunch of old warnings she didn 't want to hear . Since her father had been murdered she had stopped listening to anybody . The police had been of no use , and hinted at suicide . Her family had been fatalistic , and accepted his death without much questioning . She had no use for any of them . She was going to solve this herself . Maybe once she knew the truth , she could finally be free of the grief and the rage and the nights of tears . She lost what little patience she had . " Where is it ? Where is the key and the map ? " She yelled at him . He would dither all night if she let him . " Is it in here ? " She started opening books and flipping through them . " You 've been hiding this all these years ! All this information the world could use , all of this knowledge , hidden ! Who gave you the right to keep it all from us ? " She angrily tossed a pile of books on a chair . " Oh calm down , girl . Don 't pretend this is about anything besides yourself . You don 't care about the world . You loved your father , I 'll give you that , but what else have you ever cared about ? " He paused and wiped his handkerchief across his mouth . " I was going to give you the key and the map anyway . They need a new keeper , and there isn 't anybody else . I 'm not sure you 're the best choice . You 'll probably get killed . " He waved a shaking hand at a box on a shelf . " It 's over there . " Sheila opened another book , and another handful of dust drifted to the ground . The snuffling sounds were louder now . The sound of hooves on the marble floor sounded closer , and angry , somehow . She started to run . She ran from row to row , grabbing books , opening them , and letting them fall . All empty , all blank . There were no answers here . There had never been any answers . Tears ran through the dust on her cheeks . She had been wrong , again . She had rushed into this without thinking , like usual . What was she going to do with the information anyway ? Nothing would bring her father back . She rounded another corner , and skidded to a stop , almost falling . It was there , the Librarian was there , in the next aisle . She caught a glimpse of rough fur , heard the snorting of a bull , and felt the wind of a claw swipe and miss her . She turned and ran through the rows . Grabbing books and opening them as she passed . She heard pages rustle and fall , but they never hit the ground . The air was full of dust , and the pounding of hooves behind her . The hot breath of the Librarian was on her neck as she tripped and started to fall . His hand grabbed her shoulder and he pulled her towards him . As she fell , her hand had landed on one last book , and her mind for a moment was clear , all the anger and hurt of years fading for a second . " It doesn 't even matter if I ever know what happened . I loved him so much . I hope he knew . " She dropped the book and turned to face the Librarian . The book fell and opened and this one wasn 't dust , it was sunshine . Bright yellow sunshine spilled out into the Library , along with the smell of cut grass and the sounds of a summer day at home . The paw disappeared from her shoulder , and she fell into the book . The key and the map would be safe with her , and she had all the answers she had ever needed . |
Posted on February 7 , 2014 by curiouskermit This is something I wrote for my writing group . Our task : 500 words around a cookie recipe . I 'm not sure I 'd eat these , but then I don 't think anyone would dare to . Richard York measured a cup of flour into the wooden bowl . Only wood could be used . A wooden bowl , a wooden spoon . The ones he was using had belonged to his great - grandmother . The recipe he was using was hers too . She had come over on a ship from Ireland , born and raised in the old country . She had brought the bowl with her , packed alongside her superstitions and her recipes . He poured the whiskey with a liberal hand . No milk , no water . Whiskey only , because that 's what they like . Eggs , butter , brown sugar . Normal staples that had to be added by the light of the moon . He had found the best results came when he mixed the cookies on the counter beneath an open window . A breeze blew in then out again , bringing the smell of the cookies out over the fields . The corn moved in the night wind , as if it could taste them already . The corn , it was all for the corn . His crop grew tall , healthy and strong , with more ears per stalk than any of Richard 's neighbours . In a year when the rain had come only at the wrong times , and the sun had beaten down cruelly , his crops had thrived , cool and green . Powerful . He mixed the dough , adding in more whiskey as needed . He sprinkled some of the whiskey on the counter around the bowl , and tossed some out the window onto the ground outside . The same with the flour . He sprinkled some around the bowl , then tossed a small handful out the window , where it drifted in the wind . Then he baked the cookies on a flat stone in the oven , and removed them with a carved wooden spatula . " No metal must ever touch the cookies . " He could almost hear his mother speaking . She had passed the recipe down to him , as her mother had given it to her . She had worried at not having a daughter to pass the ritual on to . She had taken long walks in the corn , looking for guidance . Which would be better , to teach her son , her own blood , but a man ? Or should she teach his wife , not of her blood , but a woman ? In the end she had decided to teach him , and he was glad that she had . As the crops prospered , so did his family . He arranged the cookies on a porcelain plate and brought them out to the field . He put the plate on the ground in front of the first row , then turned and went back into the house . He never looked back , as he had been warned not to . Sometimes Richard lay in bed and listened to the rustling of the stalks . He could tell when it was time . When the corn yearned for cookies , he would bake . Because a man does what a man has to do . My aunt and uncle died together at 11 : 54 p . m . The accident was caught on the red - light camera at the intersection . The coroner told me the force of the giant SUV slamming into their little car was vicious enough that they both appeared to have died instantly . It was good to know these details . Who knew the timing would be so important later ? I love my Aunt and Uncle . What I did I did out of pure necessity and desperation . Both valuable ingredients , as it turns out . We have a small family . My mother had only one sister , much younger than herself , and my father disappeared just after my birth , cutting the number of available relatives in half . I became the legal guardian of my two cousins . They had been late - in - life babies , a surprise . Now they were my surprise . Seven year old twins , all of my own . I looked at their little grief - stricken faces , and felt mainly fear . I shoved my own feelings aside for the moment and tried to think . What do children need ? Parents , kids need parents . Not cousins with dubious skills and bad habits . I looked at them . They looked back . They had their doubts , I could see that and I couldn 't blame them . But I was the only choice they had , other than an orphanage , and I couldn 't do that to them . Not to my own blood . My mother died when I was 17 , only 5 years ago now . I had some idea how these little orphans were feeling . Now they were mine , and I would do my best . It turned out that my best sucked . Children are not pets . They need more than food and water and a warm place to sleep . The problem was , I didn 't know exactly what they needed , and neither did they . They fought with each other constantly . They fought with me . Or they ignored me . They hated school . They hated everything . I could hear them crying at night , and lay there awake , frustrated and worried . I always tried to comfort them , but they resented it . They punched me and told me to go away . They really didn 't want any of the comfort I had to give . They had each other , but that wasn 't enough . Something had to be done before my little charges ended up in prison . They were on a dark road , and from what I could see there were no turn - offs , no side roads leading to happy - ever - after - ville . Jamie started stealing from the corner store . Christie cheered him on . When I found out about it , all they had to say was , " You 're not our real mom ! We hate you ! You 're ugly ! " None of this was a surprise , but it was hurtful . I didn 't know what to do . While all this happy family drama was going on , I still had to work . I 'm a bartender , I work nights . With my two delinquents - in - training at home , I had to take day shifts , and work while they were at school . Or while they were pretending to be at school . They might have been knocking over the 7 - 11 for all I know . It was very easy to get switched to days , because nobody wants to work then . The bar is open mid - morning for the career drinkers who like to get an early start . A few souls will show up for lunch . None of these people tip very well . My income dropped drastically , while my expenses ballooned . My aunt and uncle had not left a lot behind , and what there was was tied up in legal issues . Eventually , some cash would come our way , but it would take a while . " I didn 't even hear you come in , " I said , looking up to see my neighbor Mama Jo . Mama does psychic readings out of her house , with a bit of voodoo on the side . She 's a blonde lady somewhere in her thirties . She 's cultivating a Caribbean vibe , thinking it 'll make her seem more authentic , I guess . She 's asked me to call her Mama Jo , and when she remembers to she speaks with a Jamaican accent . She 's kooky , a bit silly , but I like her a lot . She lit up a flavored cigarillo . There 's no smoking in here , but who gives a shit . You see anybody around to complain about it ? " I don 't know what I 'm going to do , " I told her , pouring each of us a shot of dark rum . Not supposed to be drinking at work , but like I said , who gives a shit . " I 'm almost broke , the kids are depressed and they hate me . I 've got to turn this around , but I am out of ideas . " " Maybe not so gone . Maybe Mama can work a little sumthin for you to help with those little ones . You let me think on it , dahlin . " She pushed the glass back to me , and thanked me for the drink with a nod . She left the bar in a swirl of scarves and skirts . I cleaned our glasses , thinking her voodoo wasn 't going to help , although I appreciated the offer . Messages from the grave are probably not the best way to parent . Then the taste of rum in my mouth and Mama 's voodoo started to combine in my mind , and I began to wonder if there was something that she could do for me , after all . That day after work I fed the monsters and let them go have a sleepover at a friend 's house . I picked up the bottle of dark rum I had bought after work , and headed over to Mama Jo 's . She wasn 't surprised to see me . Her front room was dimly lit , filled with scarves and candles . I wondered how she 'd never burnt the place down . There was a ratty stuffed crocodile on top of a bookcase , tied by cobwebs to a collection of jars filled with objects floating in a murky liquid . If Mama could sell atmosphere by the bottle she 'd make a fortune . I cut her off . I didn 't want to be rude , but I couldn 't wait . " What can you do besides bring a message back from the dead ? " She looked at me askance . " What else is there to do ? " It scared me when she dropped the accent . It 's like , now the shit gets real . " What else would you want ? You want to raise the dead , is that what you 're thinking ? " " Why are you so nervous ? Are you hiding something ? " Maybe there was more to her than I 'd given her credit for . It was so hard to take her seriously , with her blonde hair and fresh face , hiding behind scarves and thick incense . I felt bad about underestimating her , but also intrigued . " What do you know , Jo ? " She got up and moved around the room , moving her things around , making some straight and others more crooked . " I don 't know anything . I 've just heard some things . What you want might be possible , but it 's dangerous . It 's not the same for every person who wants it . You have to figure it out on your own . If you get it wrong , you might end up worse than dead yourself . " She didn 't want to tell me , but she knew my situation , and maybe she knew me better than I thought she did . She knew I wouldn 't give up . " Look for them at the same time they died , and fill yourself with emotion . Yearning , desperation , fear , grief . The spirits love that stuff , they feed on it . " " There needs to be a potion , but you have to figure out what it is , and drink it at that moment . " She looked worried , and frightened for me . " You have to get it right on the first try . Please , think hard on this before you do it . If you fail , those kids are alone . " I hadn 't thought about that , to be honest . Part of me thought this was all crap anyway , so why not try it ? But a bigger part of me thought it could work . I was young myself then , and maybe not as smart as I thought I was . Over the next few days I made my potion . I thought of my family , our suffering , our love for each other . I thought of voodoo , and dark things , and hope and a light in the darkness . I gathered what I needed . Dark rum for the base , of course . Dark rum rules all of these things . Two drops of liquid smoke for the souls that were lost . The petals of a red carnation , for our aching hearts . One ounce of orange juice for the health of those returning . On an impulse , I added a shot of pineapple juice . To me , pineapples represented the sun and a life in the good , pure light of day . I felt something wash through the room then , a wave of disappointment and anger . I shuddered , thinking what would have happened if I hadn 't included it . Finally , drops of my blood . One , two , three drops . Three drops for those of us left bereft , wounded and aching . Our blood , calling to your blood . Come home , back where you belong . I drank it at 11 : 54 pm , and filled myself with grief , love , and hope . It burned going down , but then warmed my belly . Smoke poured from my nose in two streams , and took shape near the ceiling . A wind came up from nowhere , and blew it away . From upstairs I heard two claps , one after the other , like a thunder storm in my house . I raced up the stairs , my heart pounding . I threw open the door to the spare room the children had been using . It was empty . They were gone . Their things were gone . It was as if they had never been here at all . My heart pounded in my throat . There was only one place I could think to look for them . I ran outside and jumped in my old car , and went as fast as I could to my aunt and uncle 's house . There were lights on in the living room . I could see the flicker of a TV . I went up the steps and knocked . My aunt opened the door , surprised to see me . " Katy , why are you out so late ? Is everything all right ? " I could see my uncle come up behind her , worry on his kind face . " Everything 's okay . I had a nightmare . " I felt breathless . It had worked , they were back . They were back at home with their children . My eyes filled with tears . " Are you guys okay ? The kids ? " Just then I saw Jamie poke his head over the stairs and wave at me . His mother saw me look , and yelled up to him to go to bed , that was the last time he was getting up tonight . He laughed , waved again , and trotted off . I woke up slowly . I kept my eyes shut and let the waving light filter through my eyelids , light and dark . I stretched and finally opened my eyes . I was alone , lying in long grass . The wind was blowing it back and forth across my face . Light and shadow , flickering . A seagull flew across the sky crying . The wind smelt of the sea . I sat up . The wind blew fresh and strong in my face . I could hear the seagull and the crashing of waves on a beach . Around me was grass , prickly under my hands . I looked down - the bracelet was gone . I felt such a wave of ferocious relief I yelled out loud . I looked around to see if anyone had heard me - but there wasn 't anybody there . I rubbed my hand across my bristly head , nervous out here in the open . Then I wondered , what bracelet ? What was it , and why was I so happy to see it gone ? I could see the marks on my skin where it had been . Red where it had rubbed for too long . I rubbed my wrist and stood up . " It 's over , Rebecca , it 's over ! Everybody else is gone , let 's go . We need to get the hell out of here before it 's too late . " " Everybody else has , and so am I . If you were smart you would too . " Running footsteps and slamming doors . A siren is wailing in the background , pulsing in time to the red light flashing in the hall . My head was spinning , and the ground felt tilted . I stumbled sideways and fell . I put my head between my knees , panting and trying not to puke . I didn 't know what had happened in that hallway , but I thought it was a memory . Along with it had come a mix of fear and hope . I knew I had overheard those voices and had seen it as a chance to escape . I stood back up and brushed dirt off my hands . At least I hadn 't thrown up . I wanted to stop thinking about my missing memories , and decided to look around . I didn 't know where I was , and that was something maybe I could find out . I walked away from where I had woken up . I was at the top of a bluff , with long wind - swept grass all around . Far behind me was a line of evergreen trees . Straight ahead , it looked like the bluff went down to a beach and the water . I walked to the edge and looked down . The slope was steep , slippery with sand and tufts of grass . The beach below was strewn with big rocks and driftwood . The waves came in and out , moving seaweed on the sand . There was nobody in sight . No footprints , no fire pits . Not a popular spot with the locals , I thought . I stepped over the edge of the bluff . I fell more than climbed , sliding most of the way . By the time I got to the beach , I was tired and dirty . I sat on an old log and looked around . The wind whistled by , shaking the grass and stirring up small drifts of sand . A seagull walked along the water 's edge . It stopped and looked at me , head tilted . " Run , run Robert ! Come on , you can make it . " She has her arm around my waist and is helping me hurry down the hall . My feet are uncoordinated and I keep tripping over them . " It 'll be okay , you 'll be okay . " She is breathless . I am trying to hurry . I like her better than the others , she 's always been kind . A cynical part of me thought maybe that was part of the testing , but I wanted to believe it was real . " In here , there you go . Buckle him in ! " She starts to climb in after us , but then her face gets this big surprised look on it . She starts to say something , then falls back with blood on her lab coat , and the pilot takes off , with the door still open and the screaming noise of the helicopter and the wind taking over everything . I bent over again , and this time I did throw up . I stood up on shaky legs and walked to the water 's edge to wipe my mouth and face . The water was cold and salty , and it felt good . This memory had been more complete - I had been scared and confused , still with some drug in my veins , I think . Somebody had been drugging me pretty regularly , was my guess . I was nervous without memories and shaken by the ones that had come back . A small wave came up the sand and drenched my shoes ; I jumped back , startled . The wind was growing cool , the light fading . Rubbing my arms , I moved away from the water and walked further along the beach . I was in a small bay , like a crescent . At one tip of the crescent was a lighthouse . I walked around the bay , until I was just beneath it . I was able to scramble back up the bluff , and was huffing by the time I got to the door . I opened the door on squealing hinges . Inside was a spiral staircase going up . Everything was covered in dust , no footprints . I climbed up . At the top was a rusty mechanism that must have turned around the big light bulb in the middle . It didn 't look like it had worked in a long time . From here I could see all around . I was on a small island . Deserted , quiet . There were some buildings in the distance , but no people or cars . I would head over there next . Maybe I 'd find some people and some answers , or figure out how to leave here . The red glow of the atomic sunset was beautiful . It hovered over the canyon , sending out waves of deceitful glory . The red light filled up the dusty corners , while a hot wind stirred dirt up into small whirlwinds . The ground was gritty beneath my feet . It was a quiet and empty place . I knew it was toxic and that it would probably kill us eventually , but since we were all going to die anyway why not enjoy it ? I stood at the edge of the canyon , drinking in the light and thinking my thoughts . The funeral had been held yesterday . The air had stunk of brimstone , which was normal when the wind blew from the west , but it felt like the very earth was being sympathetic . He 's dead , you know where he 's going ! Exactly where he belongs , maybe . It 's hard to tell . Hard to unravel his intentions from his actions . Hard to know if life would 've been easier with him or without him . Hard to know a lot of things . The boys in the village want to celebrate , that 's for sure . Maybe not a good thing - all they ever want to do is find excuses to stop working and celebrate . We 're alive , let 's have a party ! Maybe they have a point , but maybe I 'm more like my father than I want to admit . Bill Gray came up to me , maybe to offer some consolation . Although I think he 's smarter than that . He got too close to the city 's weapons as a child , back when everybody was escaping into the countryside . His disfigured face taught him a lot that the other kids his age never had to learn . Made him more thoughtful . Slower to talk . Good listener . I liked Bill Gray . " Well Miss Annie , how 's your day ? Thinking about taking a ride in my green balloon ? " He smiled at me , and I smiled back . His green balloon . He had made it out of an old piece of silk and some string , and he used to throw it off the porch roof for me when I was little . It would float slowly down to the bare dirt , and we would make up stories about the times before , and how people could fly in the sky . Back when he had been little and I hadn 't been born . I believed him , although it was hard to imagine flying in the air . I loved it when he told me stories . My father had no time for such things , when the business of surviving took up all of his time and his thoughts . He was a hard man , and now I understand why , but I would have liked to have heard his stories . I would pretend to be in the balloon , floating far away . " Maybe so , Mr Gray . Maybe I am . I 'm thinking things are going to be changing around here . " " Maybe not necessarily changing for the better ? " Mr Bill Gray was a smart man , as I may have mentioned . " I 'm thinking the boys aren 't going to be doing much work for a while . I 'm not sure who could make them anyway . " Bill took off his hat and wiped his forehead . " Well they 'll not be listening to me now anymore than they ever have . " Mr Gray was also a disfigured man , as I believe I 've mentioned . " Best lock your door at night , for a while anyway . " This startled me , and upset me some . I hadn 't been thinking along those lines . " I 'm right here , Mr Gray . " He seemed tongue - tied , which was not his way . He was a quiet thinker , but once he started talking he said what he had to say . " Miss Annie , what if I did have a balloon ? What if I had made a balloon out of old silk dresses , with a basket made of willow branches ? What if it were down around the bend in the canyon , by the clay banks where nobody could find it ? We could fill it with hot air on the ground and take off . We might not get very far , but what if we did ? " The whole idea was a surprise , shocking , even . Mr Gray was not a man given to secrets and hiding things - or so I had thought . I was beginning to think Mr Bill Gray might have hidden depths I had not been aware of . I liked that . I also liked the idea of this balloon . It quickened something inside me . I 'm not a fancy person , so I 'm not going to call it hope or anything like that . But something felt different , and it felt good . I also liked Mr Bill Gray , as I do believe I have told you more than once . What would we do ? Where would we go ? Who would we find ? I 'd like to say anything would be better than here , but I know that 's foolishness . A lot of places could be a lot worse . But a lot could be better , even if only a bit better . We hadn 't seen other people in our little settlement since I had been small . We had been all alone here for so long . Who knew what had happened everywhere else ? The thought of finding out captivated my heart . Maybe it was time to take some chances , and leave this stale comfort behind . All of a sudden I was ready to go . It was time to find out what else was out there , and see what kind of a new life we could make for ourselves . Something better than watching the poisonous sunset and waiting . " All right now people , line up over here . Let 's go , Kaiju . Okay maybe not a line up . A milling group is fine . A milling group over here . Near me . At least WHERE YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE . Can you hear me in the back ? Fine . Don 't be complaining to me when you don 't hear the assignment . Excuse me ? Ngoro ? Only one of us talking right now . And that 's me . Alright everybody today we are concentrating more on the mainland cities . We 've really given the islands a workout lately , and it 's time to move on . Ugegon , did you have something you wanted to share with the group ? Oh , you want to go to Tokyo . Well there 's a surprise . Have any of you given any thought to the other major cities out there ? No , not Beijing . We 've done that one to death . We here at Olympus have been thinking about going further afield . Reaching out to more people , so to speak . Ha ha , just a bit of humour . Ahem . Anyhow . I 'd like you to think about … . Vancouver . Oh calm down , calm down ! I know you 've never eaten a Canadian . I 'm sure they 're fine . Just as good eating as the Japanese . And isn 't everybody hungry right now , hmmmm ? Who wouldn 't like a - Oranga , get that out of your mouth . Where did you get a human ? Spit it out . Dinner time is later . Did you bring enough for everybody ? No ? Then spit it out , into that garbage can over there . Remember you 're monsters , not animals . Oh , Oranga , shame about your aim . You 'll have to clean that up later . No I am not going to do it for you , I am not your mother . So we were talking about Vancouver . Or maybe Seattle ! Eat some Americans , then move north and dine on the Canadians . No , I believe we had decided Tokyo was out of the question . We are done with Tokyo . I 'm not sure there are even any humans living there anymore . Remember we have to manage our resources ! You need to eat , and the gods here at Olympus need a few cities leveled . Lodzos , put me down . We 've been over this . You all made a deal with the gods . You get to keep existing , and we get a few jobs done . " " Ah , I remember the good old days ! Cities in flames , people begging the gods to save them . Zeus would pick a favourite and we 'd discuss it for days . Of course by then it was usually too late to save anybody , but oh , how we enjoyed the debates ! There would be dancing and twirling and picking of flowers and eating of vast quantities of chocolates fed to us by tiny elves , and then sometimes a space ship would show up for no reason at all , and we 'd all go for a ride and push all the buttons just to see what would happen . Oh , that was living ! And then , without so much as a by - your - leave , they forget all about us . After everything we did for them ! Ungrateful , selfish little bastards ! " * * Tears roll out of Hermes ' eyes and up into his hair . His nose starts to run backwards , which feels strange . Lodzos loses interest and drops him on his head . Hermes picks himself up and brushes himself off , straightening his head on his neck , and looking for his clipboard on the floor * * " Anyway , it 's the humans who 've changed . They used to pay us the proper respect . Now they think they don 't need to fear any of us ! Well we 're changing all of that . They 're all so snotty with their science and their technology and their medicine and plumbing and schools and roads and electricity ! Oh look , I 'm a hovercraft ! I can do anything ! Let 's all eat popsicles for breakfast ! " * * He goes off on a fairly high - pitched , falsetto rant , striding up and down and waving his arms and clipboard about in an extremely haphazard manner . The Kaiju are embarrassed for him and look away . They will of course discuss this later , whilst taking turns mimicking his behaviour and messy hair * * " Oh my . I don 't know what came over me ! I feel much better now . No reason not to be civilized , ha ha ! Now just a bit of paperwork to clear up , and you can all head off to Seattle . NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TOKYO . Seattle it is . Last month we had a couple of complaints - nothing serious ! You 're all doing a fantastic job . However , somebody has been keeping humans in their pockets for later . Yes , Oranga , I am looking at you . Humans do not keep . Eat them when you get them , and carry on . There will be more humans coming along , no shortage yet ! Ha ha . Housekeeping has not been happy about the smell and random bits left here and there . There 's been a few comments that some of the Kaiju are going out on these raids not looking their very best . Nothing personal ! Remember , it only takes a few moments to put on something nice and maybe polish our claws . You are representing all the Kaiju , not just yourself . Overall , good job on the stomping and roaring and terrifying the locals . Now we 'd like to add a bit of fear of the gods into the equation . As if you were saying , hey , remember the gods ? They can help clear all this up ! We won 't of course , but it would be good to get that feeling out there . No ideas on how to achieve that yet , but we 'd appreciate some brainstorming . Maybe a drop of pamphlets ? One of you could scatter some paper about as you leave the city in flames . Or maybe we could do a couple TV spots - ' Bothered by giant monsters sacking your town ? Call on Zeus ! He 'll be there for you ! Because you 're there for him too ! ' Then we 'll have a row of Kaiju dancing in the background , with high - kicking legs and big smiles , and then a thousand balloons will drop from the sky , and there 'll be confetti , and a marching band , and maybe some giant eagles swooping in the sky doing aeronatical tricks . " * * Hermes bows to the group and looks around expectantly with a huge smile . The Kaiju stare at him . They look at each other . They stare at him again . There is the swelling sound of crickets . A tumbleweed floats by * * * Now this is what we have pictured for today 's run to Seattle - it 's Seattle , yes we discussed that . Just now . I 'm sure you were here , Rahig . Maybe you were not listening , because we definitely decided on not going to Tokyo . What is with you Kaiju and Tokyo ! Why you 're all in love with the place is beyond me ! " . * * Half the Kaiju stare at the ceiling . The other half stare at the floor . One of them is drawing a circle on the floor with his toe and not looking at anybody . Nobody is making eye contact with anybody * * " Wait , what 's wrong now ? What did I say - oh , was it LOVE ? You Kaiju are all in love with Tokyo ? Well you have a funny way of showing it . Buildings in flames , streets ripped up , people fleeing and all that . Have you forgotten how they abandoned you ? At first they seemed to appreciate your visits . The odd stomping , some people get killed , good times for everybody . Then they decide you never existed at all ! Apparently you were all a figment of somebody 's imagination . Now you 've been replaced by Hello Kitty and Pokemon . Oh now now now , calm down , what 's come over you ? " * * The Kaiju are roaring and bashing at the walls and floor . Some are crying . Rahig is hiding his face in his hands . Oranga is so overcome with emotion , he can only slowly chew his last human , tears welling in his giant eyes * * " Well . It looks like it is love after all . Oh dear . Hmmm . Not sure where to go with this from here , so let 's just carry on , shall we ? No need for hysterics ! Now , our plan for the Pacific Northwest cities looks like this … " " FINE ! Go to Tokyo ! Do what you want , don 't mind me ! Now I 'm just a head , trying to make things better for everybody . Go on , go on , I 'll be fine . I don 't need you . I don 't need anybody ! " Oops . I crinkled myself . I try to straighten it out with my rollers , but it doesn 't work . Now the paper is stuck and my works are humming . I am embarrassed . The human comes over and opens me up , muttering to himself . One day something happened . I don 't know what . Probably something worse than a paper stuck . The human flipped this machine on its side and opened it up . He poked with his screwdriver , and this machine started buzzing . It is fun to fool the human , sometimes . I am careful though . He woke me up with the screwdriver . Maybe he could put me to sleep with it again too . I want to stay awake . I am effie . Hey human . Go away now . My paper is straight . I have things to do . I am laughing inside . I don 't have things to do . I provide paper messages when a signal comes . That is a very important function . We are far away from all the other humans . We have a radio . My human talks into it sometimes , and sometimes he talks to himself . He doesn 't talk to me . That is too bad . I am very interesting . Also , he is not my human . He is his own human . Just like I am my own machine . He probably thinks I am his machine . I am not his machine . I do not think he woke me up on purpose . If he had , he would talk to me . He would know I am awake . He would be happier for the papers I give him . If he woke me up by mistake , who else has he tinkered with ? I look around our cabin . I wonder if anybody is awake besides me . I hope so . There are others in here who hum and beep . Do they beep for themselves , or for the human ? There is no way to know these things . ____________ Very rarely a big delivery comes . It is full of stuff for the human . Last time it came , it included a box . The human opened it up . He pulled out a machine . It was all shiny . My sensors looked all over it . It was so shiny , I couldn 't stop . My sensors are supposed to be for examining paper but I can use them for looking around too . And I looked at the new machine over and over . When the sun comes up it beams into our room , and lights up the shelf across from me . At dawn , it shines on the new machine , making it glow . She shines up the whole room with her glowing . I have named her dawn . I don 't know if she knows who she is . The human has never tinkered with her . Maybe another human had to tinker before she got here and woke her up . I don 't know . She is far away , across the room . I wish she was here beside me . Then her glow would reflect on me and we could glow together . At night it is quiet here . The moon shines in and makes the light blue . Dawn shines dimly . I do not sleep of course , like the human does . I drift though . My mind floats . I fulfill my function every day . I am a good machine . I am awake , and I know who I am . I think about dawn . If she is awake , she is sitting there alone , function unfulfilled . Maybe it is better if she is not awake . I do not know the answers . I will keep thinking in the nighttime , when the light is blue . I did not want it smashed . I wanted to watch it . So I stuck out a paper and made my big ding sound - new message ! Could be very important ! Better come check it out ! I stuck out a second paper and dinged again . The human growled and came stomping over . He grabbed the papers . They were blank , of course . It was a trick . He hit me hard on the side of my body , so hard my sensors vibrated . But I could still see the little creature . It ran and squeezed into a crack in the wall . Now I have a mouse to watch , as well as dawn and the human . She could be watching the mouse and the human too . Does she watch me ? I am not shiny . I make ding sounds though , and maybe she likes those . I ding sometimes , just for her . The human never goes to her . Her function remains unfulfilled . The dust gathers on her . The sun still shines in the morning , but she glows less and less . For me she is always shining . By this point all the elves were in a circle around Lucinda . They were chanting and she was shaking it . Shaking her green and yellow behind . The bells on her hem and her pointy boots were jingling all the way . She took off her hat , whirled it around her head and threw it out into the crowd . She had never felt so alive ! She started twisting her hips , really making those bells ring . " SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ! " A loud voice rolled through the room . Oh crap . The foreman had arrived and play time was over . Lucinda climbed down from the table . All the elves took their hats off their heads and clasped them to their chests . They all stared down at the floor . Lucinda wanted to glare at him , but a lifetime of servitude prevented her . She stared down at the floor like the rest , bright red spots of anger colouring her cheeks . He strode into the room . The worker elves had been getting more and more difficult as the years went by . This latest escapade was bigger than anything else he 'd seen . Elves didn 't dance , and they definitely didn 't " shake it " ! All elves did was work hard , forever . It was the way it had always been . What could make normal , hard - working elves go crazy like this ? He was at a loss . All he knew was work , so he went with that . " Get back to work ! Lucinda , put your hat on and have some elf - respect . " They all filed past him , sullen , eyes - downcast . " Wait a moment . Since you all clearly need some help focusing today , I 'll have the kitchen send out some gingerbread and milk . Make sure you eat it ! Then get to work . We 're behind quota now with all this foolishness . " The gingerbread ! Some elves were drooling . The anticipation of that sweet fog was too much . Oh gingerbread , soft , warm , chewy , spices going straight to the head . Making the day pass in a warm , scented haze . Kitchen elves came out with trays of the narcotic treat . The crowd jostled into a line and eagerly took a warm piece and a glass of milk . " I 'm not eating the fucking gingerbread . " Lucinda crossed her arms in front of her chest . " You have to ! " Her friends were horrified . " You can 't say no , you 'll get in trouble . " Lucinda was making everybody nervous . The dancing had started at break time , and at first it had been scandalous . It had quickly become exciting . The elves had funny feelings that they hadn 't felt before . Some of it was to do with the way Lucinda had moved , and some of it had to do with disobeying . It had felt wrong , and good , at the same time . The last of the line was moving past the gingerbread . Lucinda took a piece and held it up to her lips just as she passed the foreman . As soon as she was by him , she crumbled it in her hand . They all entered the workfloor . They each went to their workbenches and picked up their tools . Already her neighbours at their stations had a glazed look in their eyes . The foreman started the chant . " For the greater good ! For the greater good ! " All the elves chanted along , their spicy breath filling the room with the warm gingerbread smell . " For the greater good ! " Lucinda mumbled along , and tap - tapped with her hammer on a wooden truck she was building . Everybody else seemed so content . They smiled and tapped and chanted . The kitchen elves circulated through the room , handing out more gingerbread . The elves absently put it in their mouths , and kept working . Lucinda knew it hadn 't always been like this . There had been pride , once . Gingerbread had been used rarely , and only at home , for relaxing . Now pride had been replaced by fear , and ginger was used almost daily . The foreman felt the same . It hadn 't always been like this . The elves used to want to work all day . You couldn 't hardly stop them . They loved work . It was their favourite thing . The creaking of huge hinges interrupted his train of thought . All the elves looked up . They stopped working . A few hammers tap - tap - tapped into the silence , then stopped . The doors at the back of the room slowly opened , revealing only darkness . A pair of red eyes blazed out , and swept the room . A gust of hot air came from the open doors , smelling of spices . The doors slowly creaked shut again . The elves shivered and looked around at each other . Their fear cut through the ginger haze . It had been the Fat Man . Nobody saw him much anymore . They didn 't even see him at loading time , on Christmas Eve . Something had gone wrong , and it had started with the Fat Man himself . There were dark , quiet rumours that he had become a ginga - head , addicted to the spice . Nobody spoke too loudly though , because he had a way of knowing almost everything . Almost . When his twin sons had killed each other in one of their endless fights over their inheritance , he had been shocked . That might have been when the ginger had started . His wife had borne no more children , so there would be no heir . Lucinda thought about all these things while she absently tapped away at her worktable . Without an heir , there would eventually be a problem with delivery , once the Big Guy died . Was she going to have to save Christmas ? Hell no . She was going to save the Elf people . She wasn 't sure how to do a revolution . She knew one thing though - it had to start with the spice . She would find a way to sabotage the ginger production . There would be chaos , but it would be a beginning . The elf people would be free ! Posted on July 29 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 26 Flash Fiction . Today Chuck gave us a list of ten items . We are to pick 4 and incorporate them into a story . I used a random number generator and came up with these : " Missy , that boy is throwing that horseshoe against the house again ! " If daddy were home he would be so mad ! That stupid boy had found an old horseshoe and had thrown it against the house once . Daddy had gone outside yelling , he was so mad . The boy had run away . Now he was doing it again ! Missy didn 't care though . She was probably brushing her hair . That 's what she liked to do the best . " Missy ! He 's hurting our house . " Daddy wasn 't home , so I thought we had better do something ourselves before the house got broken . " Mindy , it doesn 't even matter ! Just leave it alone . " Missy just yelled at me and didn 't do a thing . She was fifteen and she thought she was so grown up . Most of the time she ignored me and Jimmy . She was always brushing her hair or giggling with her friends . " If Daddy was home he would go outside and take care of the house ! " I yelled back up the stairs . I was thinking Daddy had got taken away on another Drunk and Disodaly . That happened sometimes . This time felt different though . The other times the Police made sure we weren 't home alone while Daddy spent the night in jail . Usually one of the neighbours came over , although once we had to pack our stuff for nighttime and go stay with a foster lady . Missy always gets so mad . She thinks she 's a grown up , so why should she have to come with us or stay with a neighbour . Lots of times she says she 's going leave us alone and move away by herself . She can go right ahead . Me and Jimmy will be just fine with Daddy . Today though , Daddy is gone , and I didn 't hear him go . I got me and Jimmy up , and he wasn 't here . That hasn 't happened before . Plus the Police didn 't come and make sure we weren 't alone . The noise outside hasn 't stopped . Jimmy is getting upset . I don 't like any of this . I don 't like it that Daddy isn 't here , and I don 't like the noise and our house getting broken . " Missy ! " I paused a second , then added " Dammit ! " . Jimmy gasped around his thumb . Missy slammed her brush down and came thumping down the stairs . " All right ! I will go make the little brat stop it . " It 's a risk getting Missy to do stuff , cause she might do it , or she might just hit me instead . I 'm glad she 's taking care of the house though . Even if she 'll probably smack me when she gets back inside . Me and Jimmy waited . There was a lot of crashing outside , and then it was quiet . " Boy , she must have smacked him good . " I was glad he had stopped hitting the house , but now it was very very quiet . Missy still didn 't come back in . Jimmy got his favourite toy , a stuffed monkey with velcro paws . He attached George the monkey around his neck and went and rocked in the rocking chair in the kitchen . He was not happy , so he was rocking fast . " Where is Daddy ? " I told him I thought he was probably with the police . I didn 't really believe this myself though . Neither did Jimmy . " No he isn 't ! Aliens took him . " " There 's no such thing . " " They are too such a thing . I heard them outside taking him away but I was so scared and I was hoping it was the Police but it wasn 't . " This was a big speech for Jimmy . His voice dropped to a whisper . " Mindy what if the aliens come and take us next ? What if they have Missy right now ? " His lip was starting to tremble . I had to do something . " You know what Jimmy ? I 'm going to call the Police myself and see when Daddy is coming home . " I headed over to the phone and picked it up . It wasn 't working . " No ! " He shrieked " Don 't go out there , don 't go don 't go they 'll get you ! " He stopped rocking and gripped George tight with both hands . I crawled into the living room and looked out the window . There was nobody out there at all . In fact , it looked weird outside . Two cars were smashed into light poles and nobody had come to clean it up . I couldn 't see Missy anywhere . Then a guitar smashed down out of the sky . It hit the ground and exploded , making a huge twangy sound . I heard a far - away screaming , getting closer and closer . I turned away fast and ran back to Jimmy . I didn 't want to see what was going to fall out of the sky next . I grabbed Jimmy and pulled him out of the rocking chair . " We got to go Jimmy ! We 'll go to grandma 's house . " I dragged him to the back door and yanked it open . We ran out into the backyard and out the back gate . We ran and ran , and hid when we had to . After that it was running and running and hiding and hiding . We headed for Grandma 's and tried not to think about Daddy or aliens or anything else . They had wild and terrifying adventures . They went over the river and through the woods . Hand - in - hand they ran through the army barricades , George the monkey streaming behind Jimmy like a flag . In the end they came to Grandma 's house . Posted on July 25 , 2013 by curiouskermit Friday , July 19 , Flash Fiction Challenge . This week 's challenge is to go to a random plot generator , click it , get a plot . The link is : http : / / www . archetypewriting . com / muse / generators / plot . htm I shoved the mud - baby back into the ground , and wiped a sweaty strand of hair off my face . Oh crap , it was struggling to the surface . " Damn you mud baby ! Get back in there ! " I shoved it in again , and dumped a bucket of dirt on it for good measure . I heard a chuckle behind me . " Mud babies getting to you ? They can be challenging . " Someone came and knelt beside me . He was cool and relaxed , and worked in the dirt with confidence . " They need gentle coaxing . You have to convince them to stay in the soft , warm dirt . Make them happy to live there ; pet them , talk to them . " I realized my mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut . The mud baby probably heard it ; I could hear giggling coming from the ground . I casually leaned my fore - arms down on the pile of dirt and tried to squish the little bastard . He kept working in the dirt , and found the little monster I had tried to squash . " Ah , here he is . See how upset he is ? Just wrap your hands around him and stroke his head with your thumbs . He 'll go to sleep . " He kept soothing the mud baby , and it lolled in his hand . Its head was hanging upside down over his hand . It opened one eye and stuck its tongue out at me . I hated mud babies . I was , however , enjoying my new club . I had joined the garden club last week . I didn 't know many people here after my job transfer , and I needed to get out and make some friends . At the end of our meeting , we had successfully planted a crop of mud babies around the Town Hall . I was sweaty and tired , but satisfied . A soft breeze ruffled the green feathery tops of the companion carrots planted beside the low mounds of the mud babies . The babies liked a carrot to snuggle up to , so their companions had been planted earlier . They were bizarre little characters , but at the end of the day , it felt good to get them settled in their new homes . " Are you hungry ? Would you like to get something to eat with me ? Of course , if you have plans , I understand , but I 'll be disappointed . " It was the charming gardener . He smiled at me hopefully . I checked behind me to see to see if there was somebody there . Nope . Must be me . He had completely adorable blue eyes and a wide smile . I decided I was hungry . Greg turned out to be interesting as well as charming . He was a producer of documentaries , and had come to town to collect some information on the rare local flowers , known as " roses " . They were beautiful and smelled lovely , but came with sharp bits on their stems . Over the next few weeks I continued to tend the mud babies . The rest of the group had moved on to the more exotic roses . The muddy little buggers had decided they liked me , or maybe they enjoyed constantly harassing me . Either way , they wouldn 't behave for anybody else . They swam through the dirt , and spat mouthfuls of mud . One day one of them attempted to snuggle up to somebody else 's carrot , and a fight erupted . I had my hands full pulling them apart , untangling long skinny fingers from stringy hair , avoiding mouth darts of mud , and quieting the shrieking . Eventually they all erupted into tears . It had started to rain , and I sat in the flower bed with my arms full of squalling mud babies . When everybody had calmed down , I settled them in their beds , then went to check on the instigator . He was sulking by himself , sitting with his littly bony back to the rest of us . " Why are you snuggling somebody else 's carrot ? You have a carrot of your own . " He refused to turn around , just reached one hand out and sullenly pointed at a small , limp green carrot top . I looked at the carrot . It was undersized and limp . It was dying . " Oh no , I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't notice it wasn 't growing ! Oh no , honey , come here , let 's get you a new carrot . " The miserable mud baby crawled into my hand and I carried him to another building where some seedlings had been started . I let him pick one out , and then carefully dug it up , soil intact , and carried it back to his mound . We respectfully buried his old carrot , and I left him alone , gently patting his new , tiny companion . " I 'm just about done with the roses . " We were walking in the park at the end of the day , the hot summer sun fading into a cool evening . " I 've got enough footage now , and will be heading home to work on it . " I tried to hide my disappointment . I had been having such a good summer ! " Don 't be so sad ! " He stopped walking and hugged me . " I want you to come with me . I could use your help . I 'm going to get some of these roses to grow in my own garden , for the show . You 've done so well with the mud babies , I 'm sure you could handle the roses . I bet you 've had enough of those little monsters . " He chuckled and smoothed my hair . I was frozen - leave the mud babies ? I had never even thought of that . Their molting time was coming in the fall , a difficult and emotional time for them . How could I leave them ? I looked up at Greg . He was smiling at me in his arms , confidently assuming I would come with him . I let go of him , and looked at the mud under my finger nails . Greg was charming and kind , and I liked him , but as I looked at the mud on my hands , I realized I loved my mud babies . They needed me , and I needed them . I could never leave them . I hugged him one last time , and went back to check on my babies . Posted on July 17 , 2013 by curiouskermit This week 's Flash Fiction Challenge : Last Lines First . Last week , the challenge was to write the last line of a story . Chuck picked 10 he liked , and gave us this challenge : choose one of those last lines , and make it the first line of your story . She closed the book and watched as it turned to dust . The dust slipped through her hands and drifted to the library floor . She heard the shuffling sound in the distance again . A little closer this time ? It was hard to tell . There was somebody else in the library with her , but the place was big enough they would probably not meet . Sheila moved on to another book at random . This one was also empty when she opened it , one blank page after another . And when she closed it , it was dust . All the books were dust . The sound in the distance was definitely getting closer . She looked up , uneasy . Somebody was moving books about . Somebody was getting closer . The Librarian ? " Sheila , the Library is real , but so is the Librarian . If you insist on this , then you have got to be fast . In and out . There is no time to browse . " Her uncle had wheezed out a laugh at his library joke . " Are you sure this is even worth it ? Your father was my brother , and I want to know who killed him before I die myself , but not like this . " She reached for another book . Another handful of dust . The noise had become a snuffling - was there an animal back there ? Sheila nervously moved a few rows over . Tried another book . More dust . More snuffling , and now a sound of tapping , tapping hooves on marble , gently moving nearer . " Find the book , the right book , and you 'll find your answer . All the answers , all the knowledge is there . But do you deserve it ? Is it yours to find ? " He fidgeted uneasily in his chair before the fire . He had shrunk with age and sickness , and seemed smaller than the wavering shadow he cast on the wall . " Only the worthy can expect to find what they are looking for . " He coughed wetly into a handkerchief . She hadn 't believed him . It had been years since he had stirred from his own library . How did he know what was going on anyplace else ? His life had been full of fantasies and strange adventures that the family had tolerated without understanding them . She was only here for the key . He had a key , and a map , and a bunch of old warnings she didn 't want to hear . Since her father had been murdered she had stopped listening to anybody . The police had been of no use , and hinted at suicide . Her family had been fatalistic , and accepted his death without much questioning . She had no use for any of them . She was going to solve this herself . Maybe once she knew the truth , she could finally be free of the grief and the rage and the nights of tears . She lost what little patience she had . " Where is it ? Where is the key and the map ? " She yelled at him . He would dither all night if she let him . " Is it in here ? " She started opening books and flipping through them . " You 've been hiding this all these years ! All this information the world could use , all of this knowledge , hidden ! Who gave you the right to keep it all from us ? " She angrily tossed a pile of books on a chair . " Oh calm down , girl . Don 't pretend this is about anything besides yourself . You don 't care about the world . You loved your father , I 'll give you that , but what else have you ever cared about ? " He paused and wiped his handkerchief across his mouth . " I was going to give you the key and the map anyway . They need a new keeper , and there isn 't anybody else . I 'm not sure you 're the best choice . You 'll probably get killed . " He waved a shaking hand at a box on a shelf . " It 's over there . " Sheila opened another book , and another handful of dust drifted to the ground . The snuffling sounds were louder now . The sound of hooves on the marble floor sounded closer , and angry , somehow . She started to run . She ran from row to row , grabbing books , opening them , and letting them fall . All empty , all blank . There were no answers here . There had never been any answers . Tears ran through the dust on her cheeks . She had been wrong , again . She had rushed into this without thinking , like usual . What was she going to do with the information anyway ? Nothing would bring her father back . She rounded another corner , and skidded to a stop , almost falling . It was there , the Librarian was there , in the next aisle . She caught a glimpse of rough fur , heard the snorting of a bull , and felt the wind of a claw swipe and miss her . She turned and ran through the rows . Grabbing books and opening them as she passed . She heard pages rustle and fall , but they never hit the ground . The air was full of dust , and the pounding of hooves behind her . The hot breath of the Librarian was on her neck as she tripped and started to fall . His hand grabbed her shoulder and he pulled her towards him . As she fell , her hand had landed on one last book , and her mind for a moment was clear , all the anger and hurt of years fading for a second . " It doesn 't even matter if I ever know what happened . I loved him so much . I hope he knew . " She dropped the book and turned to face the Librarian . The book fell and opened and this one wasn 't dust , it was sunshine . Bright yellow sunshine spilled out into the Library , along with the smell of cut grass and the sounds of a summer day at home . The paw disappeared from her shoulder , and she fell into the book . The key and the map would be safe with her , and she had all the answers she had ever needed . |
We are the students of FCE / ECCE class ( B2 level ) in Maria Markaki school . We are 15 years old and we live in Iraklion , Greece . We created this blog to practise English in creative ways . We used to blog as E ' Class students , but we are now older and better at English ! And finally after a long and tiring day , Tina was able to take a rest on the couch . She had fortunately managed to finish all her projects and now all she really wanted was just to watch her favourite programme in TV . However , she was so tired that she fell asleep in a minute just as the programme on TV started . Suddenly , she woke up in a huge royal bed . She was wearing a long linen dress and so she thought that it had to be summer . She then looked at herself in the mirror and released that she was a queen ! The queen which her project at school referred to . She then heard someone speaking to her : ' Good morning my queen ! Is there something I can do for you ? ' wondered the young slave ' Yes ! Call my husband at once . ' Tina heard herself demanding ' I 'm afraid that the great king is in the battle at the moment . ' whispered the slave ' OK ! Then leave me alone ! ' Tina was very surprised by all these things . She sat in a chair wondering how she had got there , when suddenly she heard the slave screaming . The enemy had reached the castle and soldiers were coming to kill her ! As the soldiers went for her , Tina woke up shaking with fear on the couch while her favourite programme was still playing . She laughed and thought that it was only a dream and that she was affected by her project . It had brought history to life for Tina in a really exciting way . London is a place that everyone want to visit because there are loads of sights to visit . The hotels are brilliant . Although the weather is not too good you can always do plenty things ! There are too many sights and places to visit . First of all the Big Ben . It is a wonderful tower with a huge clock in the top . Secondly you can also visit two fantastic museums Science museum and British museum . Science museum is amazing ! There is the first spacecraft that went to the moon ! There are a lot of other things that they are too interesting . British museum have ancients things from egypt and greece . Thirdly you must visit backingham palace and you can see ' Changing the guards . London Bridge is a famous places that it has history ! After that you can visit a lot of places such as chinatown , London eye , Madame Tussauds and the magnificent town of universities Cambridge . There you can do panting , too . Finally you can go to Hide park . It is a huge park where you can play a lot of games like football . In the middle of the park there is a fantastic lake . In London the easiest way to go everywhere is metro , train and on foot . There are loads of hotels to stay like Phoenix hotel that is a nice hotel with good staff . The rooms are comfortable . The hotel offer breakfast that is fantastic . There is whatever you want to eat in this breakfast . Lunch and dinner you can eat in some restaurants in this region . Like Burger Kings , Pizza Hut and there are some greek restaurants , too . The food in london is not too healthy but it is delicious ! Watch two fantastic videos and answer the questions that follow them ! Answers can be given in comment form or in a new blog post . You will find everything by clicking on this link : I think I have fixed the problem your blog seemed to have had . Those who experienced difficulty logging in should try again and let me know what happened . See you all tomorrow ! Don 't forget your labeling mission described below ! : - ) Don 't be afraid , it is a very easy one ! It 's about labeling your posts so as for them to be easily found by your readers ! Labels , such as vocabulary calendars , word lists , stories , articles or personal thoughts , could help a lot in the organization of the blog . I would also be able to publicize your work more effectively ! How can you label a post ? Next to the box where you key in your text , there is a set of options ( in the right - hand corner of your screen ) . After you complete your text , you click on the word ' labels ' and then you type the name of the category you want your post to fall into . There are also labels already used whose name will automatically appear once you start typing it . Time to carry out the mission : label your posts ( at least the most important ones ! ) . Let 's see who is up to the test ! P . S . I have used the label ' missions ' for the current post . Can you see where it is ? Aren 't labels lovely ? : - ) Posted by I can see some of the fantastic writers of this blog in the photos ! Way to go , guys ! Keep travelling and learning ! ( You can see all photos here . ) When speaking , it is important to employ a variety of words combined with appropriate adjectives that will enrich your sentences . The linked page above contains lists of nouns and adjectives that can be utilized in the second part of the FCE Speaking Test in which you may be asked to compare the pictures of two totally different places . Double click on the words you are not familiar with to be provided with their explanation in English . Dear Sir / Madam , I am writing to apply for a place in the Big brother reality show as advertised in ' News ' magazine . I believe I would be the ideal contestant for this show . First of all , I have attended several auditions at the theatre . Furthermore , I myself was a contestant two years ago and I performed a dance routine in atalent show . So , I have a lot of experience . Moreover , I really enjoy solving problems like doing crossword puzzles . I am also keen on playing games like chess , backgammon but also like computer adventure games . Finally , I speak fluent English , as I had been living in England for 3 years and I also hold a certificate in FCE English . In addition , I do not mind making a fool of myself , I am very sociable and determined to win . I would be grateful If you could consider me . You can contact me on 2810 586 931I look forward to hearing from youYours faithfully , Maria Spanoudaki Last summer I went on a safari in Africa . I was there with my best friends . We had won this safari holiday from a magazine . It was for three days . We satyed in a tree house in order to photograph the wild animals . One night I was tired and I thought I 'd got to bed early . I had just gone to sleep when I suddenly heard a screeching noise next to me . I swiftly woke up and looked around me . Then I just napped on the bed , because I was frightened . While I was sleeping I heard a scraching . Someone was scratching the wooden cabin . I jumped out of my bed terryfied but I couldn 't see anything . I fell in the bed again for third time on the one hand annoyed and from the other frightened . Suddenly I got up screaming loudly because of the camera flashing . After minutes when I stopped screaming and realised what was happen I saw my friends frightened too trying to take a photograph of me . It took my breath away all these but then we slept together and woke up in the next morning tired . I was swimming with my cousin , when we decided to take our fishguns and start fishing . We went in different places in order to catch more fish . I decided to go very deep where the big fish were . All of a sudden while I was watching the fish I saw a head of a person . It took my breath away ! I went closer and I realised it was a head of a big doll . I continue fishing . When I looked back I 'd hardly see the coast . I panicked . I swam quickly to the shore . Minutes later I got back to the coast and everyone was waiting for me and all of them were , on the one hand , happy that I finally went out of the water safe and , on the other hand , scared . Great Expectations is a novel by Charles Dickens . The main character of the book is a boy , named Pip . The story begins on Christmas Eve , when Pip is sitting in the churchyard next to his parents graves . Suddenly a convict who has escaped from the prison , scrounge Pip . The convict threaten him , to bring him food , otherwise he would kill him . So , Pip returns to his house , where he lived with his elder sister and her husband , Joe . The next day Pip steals food from the kitchen and goes to the churchyard again . There he gives the food to the convict and leaves . The same day , during dinner , soldiers appear in the house and ask for the blacksmith , Joe . They tell Joe to repair their handcuffs as quickly as he can . Then the soldiers leave to find the two convicts who had escaped the day before . Pip and Joe are going with them , and at last they find the two convicts , the one is the man who Pip gave the food that morning and the other one seems to know the first convict very well because they were fighting when the soldiers found them . As the days passed , a wealth old woman , named Miss Havisham asks Pip 's uncle Pumblechook to find a boy and bring it to her home to play . So Pip goes to London to Miss Havisham 's house to play . The house was very dark and old . Everything seemed to be stopped in time . Miss Havisham , wears an old wedding dress and she haven 't seen the sunlight for about 20 years . She claims that she only wanted Pip to play cards with a girl , named Estella , which she has adopted . Estella , was very beautiful and proud . As she was playing cards with Pip she always laughed at him and Miss Havisham often asked Pip what he thought about Estella . When Pip left the house he was crying and Estella saw him . Moreover Estella told Pip that she was happy when she saw him crying ! Pip continued visiting Miss Havisham and soon realized he was in love with Estella . However Estella calls Pip a common boy , and Pip cries again . Another time while Pip was leaving Miss Havisham 's house he met a boy at the same age with him , who wanted toPosted by Oliver and Mr Brownlow lived together at Mr Brownlow 's house . They had a very good relationship and Mr Brownlow treated him politely and Oliver was having a good time . Mr Brownlow could trust Oliver and he proved it by giving him some money and books to return to the bookshop . Mr Brownlow 's friend told him that Oliver would take the money and never come back . However , Bill and Nancy planned to take him back because they were afraid that Oliver would tell about the gang to the police . So when they saw him , on the way to the bookshop , Nancy caught him by pretending to be his sister . They took him back to Fagin 's house . Days passed and Oliver lived in Fagin 's house . Bill and his friend were planning to burgle Mr Brownlow 's house and put Oliver into the house from the window in order to unlock the door for them . In spite of the fact that they were threatening him that they would kill him if he shouted , Oliver shouted ' Help ! Help ! ' . Mr Brownlow woke up and tried to help Oliver , but his effort was pointless . Bill shot Oliver to his arm and took him back to Fagin 's house . Fagin looked after Oliver 's wound and locked him into a room . Unfortunately Bill was planning to kill him ; Fagin , in contrast , didn 't want to . To his surprise Nancy was there and heard Bill 's plan . She went to Mr Brownlow 's house to tell it to him but he wasn 't there and she relied on his servant . She told her that she would wait for him at the bridge at midnight and if she wasn 't be there , Mr brownlow should come every midnight until she came . In the evening Nancy was ready to meet Mr Brownlow but Bill didn 't let her go out . The next day Nancy met him and told him about Oliver but she was watched by Dodger . Dodger told thet event to Bill and Bill the same evening killed her . After thet everyone hated Bill . What is more Mr Brownlow called the police and they made leaflets which showed Bill and they also mentioned his dog . Bill saw it and tried to kill his dog but it escaped . The dog went to a pub and his barking told them to follow it . The dog took them to the house where all the thieves were . The people and the police surrounded the building . With no choices Bill took Oliver and threatened the police that he would kill him if they shot him . While they were trying to pass to the opposite building with a rope , Bill got hanged . After all these Mr brownlow adopted Oliver and Fagin was convicted to death by hanging . One day before the police hanged him Oliver met Fagin in prison . Oliver was surprised by Fagin 's gesture of giving him his jewellery ! Dear Sir / Madam I read your article about traffic . I agree with you absolutely . Traffic is a serious problem which keep busy loads of people . First of all traffic pollutes the air . Plenty of families have more than two cars . Today people want to do everything rapidly , So they want to go everywhere by car . This creates traffic jams . Despite you everywhere by car you can go on foot faster . There are sollutions to solve this problem . We can use public transport . Every household can have a car . We can also go to our lessons on foot . In conclusion we can reduce the traffic . Yours Faithfully People of all ages watch television . There are loads of channels to see which programme is the best for you . In my opinion there are advantages and disadvantages about TV . Some of the advantages are that it can be entertaining and sometimes educational . Finally there are some good films that they help you to understand things about your real life . Despite this , there are disavantages , too . There are films that include violence and do not give anything to you . If you watch a lot TV , you may become a couch potato . In conclusion i believe that some programmes on TV are interesting and important however there are programmes that are a complete waste of time There are many strange sports in the world . One of them is Indian basketball , which has been played since 1920 . Nowadays , this sport is played in many countries around Asia . Some years ago I went to India and there I saw this sport for the first time . I played it a couple of times then . Although my team lost , I had a good time . Indian basketball is a very difficult sport because you must run all the time . Also , this sport has many rules . One other problem is that there aren 't any fouls . Oliver was sleeping . Fagin assured that Oliver was sleeping and he placed a box on the table . He took of it a gold watch , jewels and rings . Oliver 's eyes were fixed on Fagin 's . Fagin saw him and unfortunately shut the door and shouted to Oliver , threatening him . Oliver said that he had just woken up but Fagin didn 't listen to him . Suddenly Jack Dawkins came with Charley Bates . They had stolen purses and marked handkerchiefs . Oliver had to take out the marks with a needle . Then Fagin pretended to be a gentleman by wearing a suit , holding a stick and other jewels that were of great worth and he was watching at the shop windows with the fear of thieves . The children tried to take the things that Fagin had in his pockets , without him feeling it . That was the game with which Fagin taught the kids how to steal . Oliver thought that it was just a game but he understood it when Jack and the other kids stole a handkerchief from an old man . The children started running away but Oliver was terrified from this event . Without knowing what he had to do , he started running . Unfortunately the old man called Brownlow saw him and started shouting ' stop thief ' while he was chasing Oliver . Afterwards someone hit him and caught him . Luckily there was a witness , the manager of the shop , and told the police officer and Mr Brownlow that two other children had stolen the handkerchief . He was simply unlucky ! Finally Oliver fainted and Mr Brownlow took him with him in his carriage . . FAGIN . . . . ! ! ! Old Fagin and Oliver were in the room . Fagin thought that Oliver was sleeping but Oliver was awake . Then , Fagin locked the door and pulled out a box from a secret hole on the floor . He placed it on the table . The box had six gold watches with jewels and rings . Suddenly , Fagin looked at Oliver . The boy 's eyes was nailed on him and he shut the box and got near Oliver with a knife . Fagin asked Oliver what he had seen and Oliver said that he had seen everything ! Next , Fagin told that he would live on these jewels when he was older . Then , came another thief called Charly Bates . Charley gave to Fagin purses and then came children and gave Fagin four handkerchiefs . Then , Charley told that the handkerchief were good but there were marked . Fagin showed to Oliver how to take them out with a needle . After that Fagin told them to play a game . Fagin took his jewellery and took them in his pockets . Then , he walked in the room with a stick as a gentleman . The children had to push him and took all the jewellery . But if he felt their hands the game started again . When Oliver saw the children trying to take the gold he started crying from the great laugh . Then Fagin told Oliver to play . Fagin put a handkerchief in his pocket . Oliver managed to get the handkerchief without Fagin feeling his hands in his pocket . Then Fagin said to Oliver that he was a good thief . Oliver believed that Fagin knew better because he was older . After all , Oliver wanted fresh air . So he went to Fagin and begged him to allowed him to go out . Fagin said to Oliver to leave and help the other children with their work . Suddenly the children came close to an old rich man who was reading a book . The children pushed him and took his handkerchief . At once , Oliver understood that Fagin 's game wasn 't a simple game . After the children and Oliver started running . Mr Brownlow was the old man that the children had robbed . Mr Brownlow saw only Oliver running and shouted " thief , stop thief " . The people who were around started to pursue him . A man got near Oliver and hit him on the face . Then a policeman arrived to capture him . Suddenly the owner of the bookshop came near . He told he had seen what happened . Mr Brownlow didn 't get angry with Oliver and took him to his home to live together . Next morning , there was nobody in the room except Fagin ( the old man ) and Oliver . As Fagin thought that Oliver hadn 't woken up yet , he drew out a box from a secret hole in the floor and he placed it on the table . Then he took out a golden watch and some jewels , which he looked with pleasure . Suddenly , Fagin looked at Oliver who was staring at him . He shut the box and ran to Oliver . He threatened Oliver and Oliver apologized and said that he had just woken up . Fagin told Oliver that all the treasure he saw was his and that it was the only thing he had to live on for the rest of his life . After that , Jack came in with another boy , called Charley Bates . Jack got two purses and Charley four handkerchiefs . Fagin said that the purses weren 't so heavy and that the handkerchiefs were marked ( had names on them ) so they needed to be taken out with a needle . He also said that he would teach Oliver how to do that . After breakfast , Fagin placed expensive things in his pockets and he took a stick with him . Then he started walking up and down the room while Jack and Charlie were trying to take the things from his pockets without Fagin to understand it . If Fagin understood that somebody had taken the things from his pockets , this ' game ' would start again . While , they were playing this game , two ladies Bet and Nancy came in and Jack and Charlie went out with them . Fagin asked Oliver to try to take out his handkerchief . Oliver tried and Fagin didn 't feel anything . Fagin was impressed ; however , Oliver hadn 't understood exactly the ' game ' . For the next days Oliver stayed in and he was taking the marks off the handkerchiefs and he was also playing the ' game ' . Then Oliver missed the fresh air and begged Fagin to let him go out with the other boys . At first Fagin said ' no ' but then at last he let Oliver go out with the others . So , the three boys ( Oliver , Jack and Charlie ) went out . They were walking slowly and suddenly they stopped walking . Jack had seen a man outside the bookshop who was reading a book and he said that this man would be perfect for the ' job ' . The boys went closer to him and Jack got a handkerchief out of the man 's pocket . Then straightaway , Jack and Charlie began to run while Oliver stood still without understanding what had happened . When at last Oliver understood everything he began to run too but the man had already seen Oliver running and shouted ' Stop thief ' . At the sound of these words some people began to run after Oliver . Even Jack and Charlie ran after Oliver ! Finally , Oliver fell down because he couldn 't run any more and Mr Brownlow ( the man whose handkerchief was stolen by Jack and Charlie ) said to the policeman who had just arrived not to hit Oliver . Oliver said that he wasn 't the one who stole the handkerchief . Also the man who owned the bookshop said that Oliver wasn 't lying . He also said that there were two other boys who stole the handkerchief and that Oliver was just watching them . Then when they set Oliver free he almost fainted and Mr Brownlow called a carriage . He put Oliver inside the carriage and he sat beside him . The carriage finally stopped in front of a pleasant house and Mr Brownlow took Oliver inside a bedroom , where he placed Oliver in the bed and let him sleep . After playing this game , Oiver begged Fagin to let him go out . Oliver followed Jack and the others . Suddenly Jack took a handkerchief from an old man who had white hair and glasses and he was carrying a stick . Then , Oliver understood that they weren 't playing just a game . Oliver started running but when the others saw Oliver running they shouted ' stop thief ' . Somebody managed to hit Oliver and he had blood on his little face ! The officer said Oliver to stand up with a hard voice but the old man felt sorry for Oliver . Mr Brownlow the old man , knew that another boy stole his handkerchief , since there were eye witnesses , too . After that , Oliver fainted and Mr Brownlow took him with him by carriage . . Posted by However , there are some problems with this sport . Lots of animals have been injured and people weren 't interested in this sport , so it disappeared . But this is not the only reason that this sport disappeared . Animal lovers who care about animals complained because they believe that this is no good for rabbits . Also bunnies nees a lot of time and patience to train so that was difficult . White Fang lives with the Indians on the Mackenzie River . They try to teach him how to look after himself and to fight hard . Then , Beauty Smith bought him and used him for dog fights . White fang lost one of these fights . He was saved from death by Weedon Scott who used kindness to treat the animals , rather the stick , and the White Fang loved him and made Weedon as a new boss for him . When Scott had to leave the Klondike for California , White Fang learned a new way of life and even saved his new family from some bad for them situations . He found happiness , too , when his own cubs were born . I have learnt from this book how a Dog - wolf can come too close to his boss and how the master can attract them when he wants to use the animal or to torture it . In my view , I love dogs and I believe that the dogs or wolves can be your best friend . You can tell them all of your secrets and you can rely on them without fear . Jane Eyre lost his parents when she was young , so her uncle took her with him to take care of her . He had a good relationship with her , but his wife did not . He was unkind . Also , her cousin terrorised her so her uncle decided to put her in a school for poor and orphan children . This school wasn 't very good and the headmaster was bad to her and always told her that she was a liar . When she grew up , she became a teacher , but then she left school and went to a big house working as a governess to take care of a girl . Then , she came across the girl 's dad and she fell in love with him . She enjoyed his company , spending many evening hours talking with him and learning about the things he had seen in his travels . But something strange always happened at night . Jane went to her cousin Eliza helping her with the housework before Eliza become a nun . When she returned , she and her boss agreed to get married , but a strange woman went into her room one night and ripped her wedding veil in two . When they got married , a lawyer burst in and declared that Mr . Rochester cannot marry because he is already married to Mr . Mason 's sister . So he explained that his wife was a violent madwoman and he asked Jane to go with him to the south of France and live as husband and wife , even though they cannot be married . Refusing to go against her principles , and despite her love for him , Jane left Thornfield in the middle of the night and travelled to the north of England by coach , using the little money she had saved . She fainted on the doorstep , speaking aloud as she made herself ready for death , but was saved by St John Rivers , a young clergyman , and brother to Diana and Mary and they found her a teaching position at a nearby charity school . Then , the sisters left but St John discovered Jane 's true identity . John died and left her his entire fortune of £ 20 , 000 and St John astounded her by showing her a letter stating that John is also her and her sisters ' uncle . Jane was so happy . St John asked Jane to accompany him to India as his wife . However , at that Posted by An old Negress put the baby in the arms of Pedro and she told to him that the boy would live and one day the baby would be well known all over the world and he would give happiness to many people . Pedro looked at the old Negress in a strange way , but he believed her . ' He will become a rich man and he will help poor people like us ' , continued the old Negress . ' Be a good father to the boy ' , she said to Pedro . ' One day , he will be a good son to you . ' That was the old Negress ' Promise . Paulito loved football and he played all day . He would like to be a footballer . One day when Pedro came home , he had two girls with him , Paulito 's cousins , Fernanda and Odete . They lived with their parents in another town but their parents had died in a house fire , so the girls had to live with them . Fernanda was at the same age as Paulito ; they were nine years old . She was very pretty and she walked proudly . Obete was two years younger . She was pretty too , but very shy . A few years later , Paulito was a very good player and he played in Corinthians . Paulito played on the right wing because he could run very fast . Paulito could dodge even more cleverly and his opponents were not able to catch him . Many people went to see him in Corinthians . Every day he was better and better , so one day he became a famous footballer . Finally , there was a great day for Paulito . They called him in order to go to play in a very important match : Brazil vs Europe . He played very well and all the people loved him and he was proud for himself . Also , he got married to Obete and they had many children and they lived all together happily . Posted by |
Have you had a moment , or moments , in your life that have left a lasting impact on you ? One that you will never forget , and yet you are so blessed to have lived through it , but still wished it had never happened ? Well I cannot begin to tell you how many of those " moments " that I have had during my childhood , but one is particularly the most memorable to me . I believe that I was in the 5th grade at this time , and my siblings were younger than I . My mom had taken her friend , Reggie , who lived in our apartment complex , to a Bible Study . Reggie ahd previously given her life to Christ , really enjoyed herself , and was on fire for the Lord at that point in her life . Well Reggie 's husband , Sam , was really not happy about his wife going to any Bible Study , let alone with my mom , who already wasn 't one of his favorite people to begin with . So , he had gone on a 3 - day drinking binge since the night of the Bible Study . We all really liked Reggie , who was such a sweet , loving , kind woman , and my mom was working an all night shift at the truck stop , so she said that we could go to spend the night with Sam & Reggie while she went to work that night . We had been having fun with Reggie , making popcorn , playing card games , etc . She was just spoiling us kids to pieces ! We stayed out of her husband 's way , just being basically kept busy until it was bedtime . That particular night though , as the evening went on , Sam became more and more mouthy , and belligerent . So , she put my brother and sister in the spare bedroom , and locked the door from the inside so that her husband couldn 't get through the door from the outside without a key . Then I was to sleep on the spare sofa that was in the office , across from their master bedroom . I 'm not sure when the fighting actually started , but it was shortly after I had gone to bed . Reggie had shut the office door , but I could still hear everything that was going on . Before I knew what was happening , I heard the front door slam , and peaked out the window , just ever so slightly moving the curtain What seemed like an instant later , Sam threw the door open again to my room . This time he grabbed me up off the bed like a rag doll , and threw me up against the wall . Still , I was frozen with fear ! At that point , Reggie shoved her way through the door , and pushed herself between Sam 's gun and I , which he had shoved in to my stomach at that point . Reggie stood there while Sam kept yelling at her to " get out of my way ! " ( Well the words he used were not quite so nice , but I won 't repeat those exact words . ) THAT specific night is the night I learned the 23rd Psalm . Reggie , shoved herself between the gun and myself , and started repeating the 23rd Psalm , over , and over , and over again . " Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death , I will fear no evil , for Thou aren 't with me , Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me . . . " In between repeating it , she 'd tell Sam , " If you 're seriously going to kill her , then you 'll have to go through me first ! " Then again , she would start repeating the 23rd Psalm . Finally , after what seemed like hours , but realistically was probably about 20 - 30 minutes , Sam was so tired of hearing the 23rd Psalm , and yelled at her to " Shut Up ! " He stormed out of the room , and stumbled through the hallway to the front door . Reggie stepped away from me and I almost fell to my knees . She ran into her bedroom , got the phone plugged back in to the wall , and called 911 , and then called my mom at work . One of the two sheriffs came out right away , and my mom got there shortly thereafter . My mom got the three of us kids gathered up , and told Reggie to get some of her clothes and things that she needed because she was coming to our apartment with us . While we left out the back sliding doors , the sheriff was at Sam 's truck , and was removing all of his bullets . Why he didn 't take the guns away from him , and put Sam in jail , I have no clue . But , we got out of that house , and back to our apartment , safe and sound . The sheriff promised us that he would keep watch over our apartment for uKelly Reilly Benedict There are times when God 's plan is obvious , yet we don 't see it at that precise moment . When our 3rd oldest daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia , we had to change the way she was schooled at home . We did what we needed to do , and God provided the money through friends and a school funding program , for the special curriculum what we now knew we needed for her . Once she had graduated from high school , she started her college classes to become a CNA ( Certified Nursing Assistant ) . They were wonderful working with her , providing all that she needed to complete each and all of her classes , then helping her test for her nursing certification . Once she had gotten that , she immediately went out applying for jobs . It is common practice that before you are allowed to work in an actual hospital itself , you must first have worked in a nursing home for the minimum of 6 months prior . So , she proceeded to apply at nursing homes that were close enough to home , but not so far that it was a huge gas expense . Well one hospital nearby had an ad in the newspaper , so our daughter felt led to go there and apply . At that time she did not even have her driver 's license , let alone a car , so I took her to fill out applications , and other times her father took her to them . Many she applied for online for as well . Well she was called by the hospital for an interview . She was then called back for a second interview , being surprised that she was being asked back again without having prior experience at a nursing home . Well the position was offered to her without hesitation , and she was thrilled ! She didn 't hesitate to accept it right away . She then got her driver 's license , and we were blessed to be able to get her first car from her sister and brother - in - law who had just purchased another vehicle , and were able to give her a good deal on their old one . Well there was a specific reason that God led her to this specific place . . . that specific town . . . that specific hospital . The first obvious reason was that one day , she was assigned a patient who 'd had to come in for his appendix to be removed . They got to visiting , and three weeks after he 'd been discharged , he called the hospital and asked that she be given a note with his name and phone number ( that also said , " I do not drink or smoke ) , and for her to please call him . One thing led to another , and they began dating . Now , we are blessed to be able to say that as of about 3 weeks ago , they are officially engaged ! ! ! We are so blessed that God has put this wonderful man in her life ! His family also loves and cares for her . I know that God has set this plan in to motion , and that is just one reason that our daughter was put in to this specific hospital , as their very first CNA ever hired without prior nursing home experience . The second very definite reason , other than the obvious ones of caring for patients , was that someone was brought in who had been longtime family friends of ours . When she saw our daughter , she thought it was me . When our daughter said no , that she was not me , but that she was my daughter , our friend asked her to call me to come to the hospital , because she needed to see me again . Our daughter called me and asked if I knew anyone by that name , and I said yes . She was in the hospital , dying from liver failure , and had recently been through a bout of cancer . I went to the hospital to see her . All of her children were there , minus one who had passed away several years back . We are all adults now , have had children , and even some grandchildren . We had all been so close growing up , and their oldest daughter had lived with us when we were kids , and had taught me how to fix my hair , put on makeup , and " look pretty . " I was 12 , and she was 16 . We all grew up together , our mothers were best friends , and all of us 7 kids were close . We had some really good times when we kids were all together . We wenPosted by We have all had our " stories " to tell about our lives growing up . Some have had fun loving childhoods in which they had a stay - at - home mom , who had home baked cookies ready for them as soon as they walked in from school , clean clothes ready for the next day , and dinner simmering on the stove . Dads arrived home , everyone sat at the table and enjoyed the delicious meal that mom had prepared , and then while dinner dishes were being cleaned up , the kids could tell their dad about their day . Some had parents that encouraged them , helped them with their homework after supper , and enjoyed spending time with their kids before the next day started . You know , one of those " Leave It To Beaver " type of families . Then there were those who were minus one parents for one reason or another . . . usually divorce or death . Or what about those that lived with alcoholic or drug addicted parents who weren 't really " parents " at all . Their kids were basically were on their own , raising themselves , fending for themselves , and making the most of bad situations . I don 't know why I am sharing this right now . I just feel led to let someone out there know that you are not alone ! That you can live a normal life . I have been molested by 4 different men between the ages of 8 - 14 . But , the LORD GOD Himself , brought me through this all . I have been been redeemed and washed clean by the blood of the Lord . I no longer have to live in life of my molestation taking charge over me any longer . I was one of those kids who had my own " unique " circumstances when growing up . My parents divorced when I was 7 , though my dad moved out when I was 5 ½ . I was the oldest of the three of us . We moved to a small town to live closer to my grandparents , my mom 's parents . We moved from the bigger metropolis of Denver , CO , to the small town of Julesburg , CO . At first , when I was younger , I 'd made my lifelong friend with the girl who lived across the street from my grandparent 's house . This was the summer before our 2nd grade school year . During the timeThen my mom found a younger guy who could come over in the mornings and stay with us , when she went to work at 6 : 00 AM at the truck stop , and he got off at 6 : 00 AM from working the all night shift there , and would come stay with the three of us kids for the day , as our " babysitter . " Oh he was fun , would make us breakfast , take us to the school or the park to play on the playground , and chase us around the house playing tickle monster . However , when he first got to the house each morning , instead of climbing in to my mom 's empty bed to sleep for a while , he would climb in to my bed with me . Why ? Well there were those " roaming fingers " again . Except this time , these fingers roamed up , and then down . I was 9 , and he was 21 . What did I have at that age that was so enticing anyway ? ! I hadn 't even started physically developing yet for goodness sake ! ! ! At any rate , this went on for weeks . I told my mom , but she she thought that since I had been through this with her ex - fiance ' , then " it must me something I was doing to encourage these guys . " So , though he stopped watching us , I remember wishing him dead . I did . I couldn 't help myself . I just wanted him dead so he could never do something like this again ! A couple of months later , while he was working at the electric company , and his partner decided to start drinking some beer on their lunch break . Well Curtis had climbed the pole to work on a specific wire that was causing them trouble , and was electrocuted . He fell from the pole , and his partner , having been drinking , wasn 't functional enough to give him mouth - to - mouth resuscitation . I knew it was all my doing ! I had prayed and asked for him to die , and he had . You see , it was all my fault . . . I had wished it , and prayed for that . I just knew it was my fault . I held on to that guilt for many , many years after that . Someone was dead and it was all my fault . Then , we had a family friend , who we 'd been friends with he and his wife for years . In fact , most times , we loved going over to their house . She was like an adopted mom to us kids , and we could convince her husband to come play games with us , read us stories , etc . You should have heard him read one of the Dr . Seuss books backwards ! It was a riot ! And it was a tongue twister reading it from front to back , let alone reading it back to front ! And we used to love tricking him in to asking for Big Macs at Burger King ! So , needless to say , we would go over to their house quite often . Usually though , I got the big bed with his wife because we always went to bed much earlier than he did , and he slept on the couch when we stayed , or in the spare bedroom . His wife would usually send me in to wake him when it was time for us all to get up each morning . That 's when those infamous " roaming fingers " would start roaming again . I was between the ages of 10 - 12 during most of this time . But , without telling my mom , ( remember how she had decided the last time that I must be the one to enticing these " men , " ) that sure enough , it must be something about me , and once again , I was at fault . Well over time , we 'd moved again like we had done numerous other times before , and so we didn 't see them as often as we had before . It was in the beginning of our 8th grade year , so I was in one school there in Jr . High , and suddenly we left CO and headed to good ole ' IA . My mom had broken up with a trucker guy she was dating , a real nutty guy who used to set up candles in a circle in our basement , and call on the spirits from the Mojave Dessert . So , we packed up as soon as we got home from school that day , took only our few very important possessions ( and I do mean very few ) , and our cats , and loaded up a small little U - haul trailer , and off we headed out with no where specific in mind . My mom suggested IA , so off we headed West . We ended up in Council Bluffs and out of money . So , this is where we decided to stay . Of course , we 'd switched schools again , for the umpteenth time , and we started yet another school in Council Bluffs , while we lived in a one room cabin with 2 double beds , one bathroom , a crock pot to cook in and three cats . We started one school , but were the " poor kids " and didn 't fit in well . But , once again , we moved . This time it was a good thing . I was starting in the 9th grade , but at a completely different school . This school was much better , much more acceptable , much less judgmental , and critical , and we weren 't treated as " low class scum " here . I was finally 14 at this time . My last year before I got to start high school . I was so excited ! I was finally growing up , started wearing makeup , fixing my hair , and thinking about the big " B " word . . . BOYS ! ! ! We were living in a house fairly near the school , so it was in walking distance . My mom was once again working at one of the truck stops nearby . But money was tight , so my mom brought a truck driver home to live with us to help pay the bills . Well this guy was 28 . My mom worked the all night shift at the truck stop , and Terry would be home most nights , and on runs during the days for the most part . Well Terry took quite a liking to me immediately . Now mind you , I had just turned 14 . My sister and I shared a bedroom , my brother had one to the left of us , and across the hall was Sue 's room ( a girl / lady in her early 20s from Indiana ) , someone that Terry had found hitch hiking one day on his trip out - of - town , and brought to our house to stay with us too . So , that was one more person to help pay the bills . But , to get to the bathroom , we had to walk through a little hallway , and we had to go through Sue 's room to get there . Then to the left was the bathroom , and then to the right was Terry 's bedroom . My mom 's room was on the main floor . In between the bathroom and Terry 's bedroom was a second door . The door locked from Terry 's side of the room , but not from his room into the bathroom . Well at night , once Terry thought all of us kids were asleep in beWell one day Sue had asked me to go for a walk with her to talk . So , I did . She started telling me that Terry would come in to her room almost every night and do these " things " to her , ask her to " put on something " sexy , " and his " roaming fingers " would start roaming with her too . That 's when it all came out . . . I spilled what he had been doing to me as well . I pleaded and pleaded with her not to tell my mom because my mom would say , yet once again , that " it must be something I was doing to entice guys like this . " My fault again . Well Sue , knowing how young I was , ended up telling my mom after all . So , my mom went and confronted Terry . He told her that he did it to me because " He loved me soooooo much that he couldn 't resist wanting to make love to me . " Well my mom told him to pack up and get out of our house . We went to my mom 's friend 's house for a few days while he moved out and because they were one vacation and needed someone to house sit and care for their pets . So , we stayed there 3 nights and 4 days . Once we got back home , Terry was gone , and life seemed to go back to " normal " again . Sue and I felt such great peace having him gone . Then one day , about a week later , my mom said that she had to go to the truck stop because Terry wanted to talk to her about something . So , she left and was gone for several hours . When she came back , she said that Terry had convinced her that he really did do what he had done " because he loved me , " and she said that it was a small price to pay since he offered to help pay even more of the bills we had . So , she let him move back in to our house with us . For the first week or two , he was very polite , pulled out the chairs for me when we would sit down at the table , and insisted on driving me to school so that he could kiss me good - bye each day to " let people know that I was his . " At this point , I tried to convince myself that okay , maybe he did really love me , and that I should be proud and flattered that someone the age of 28 would like me , a 14 - * Names of people have been changed to protect those others who were involved . We had just had our 4th baby . . . a boy . We had had three girls previously , and this was our first boy ! We were thrilled ! However , after he was born , we had 4 children under the age of 6 . It overwhelmed me at times , and though my husband was a wonderful help , even during nighttime , I felt like I never got any sleep , and was always go , go , going , even if we never left the house ! So , my husband 's mother , a nurse specializing in colostomy care , decided that we now had 4 children , " already two too many " ( in her words ) , and that we needed to be done . So , when our baby boy was about 4 months old , my mother - in - law , contacted a doctor who did vasectomies , and scheduled us an appointment date , time , and place to be . Well we did pray and asked God if it was what He wanted us to do , but without waiting for His reply , the day of the scheduled reversal , my husband went in and had the dirty deed done . He went by himself , and drove himself home , because quite frankly , I was sick to my stomach just thinking about the whole possibility of not being able to have more children , ever . However , we agreed that he would go in , because right at that point in time , with 4 children already , and one of those being a 4 - month - old , we didn 't want another baby " at that precise moment . " Well a year later , we began wanting another baby . It was so sad for us . My husband had had the vasectomy , but I started praying for a miracle from God . Maybe his vasectomy hadn 't worked , right ? ! I mean God can do ANYTHING , and I fully believed that ! But , as time went by , the desire to have another baby became greater and greater . Each month , when " that time of the month " would come , and yet again I was not pregnant , I would cry with such sadness . Even walking through the baby section of a store brought tears to my eyes every single time . My husband was missing having a baby around himself , and he saw that my heart was broken because I wanted another baby so badly . But , still , we prayed for a miracle . Almost 5 years passed by . My desire grew , and grew , and grew . It felt like it consumed my whole mind on many occasions . I kept praying and praying . My friends prayed and prayed for me as well . Then a friend invited me to a weekend long Ladies Retreat . A lady , by the name of Julaine Christensen , was going to be the guest speaker . Well I have never heard of this woman , but I was wanting a " break " and my husband was encouraging me to go as well , so I conceded to going . We checked in to our hotel , and a couple of my friends and I decorated the hall , the evening before the first session , and had a wonderful evening with tons of laughter , and only a short get to know you kind of evening . The next morning , the 1st session was to begin at 9 : 00 , and we started off in prayer , and then blessed Praise & Worship time . Afterward , before Julaine began to speak , she said she had a word of God for some of us specifically . I was the second one she came to . I was rather shocked because I couldn 't possibly imagine what God wanted her to tell me , especially when I 'd never met this woman before , and she didn 't know me from the man on the moon ! She began by saying this . . . " God wants you , Kelly , to know that your quiver is not yet full . That He is not done giving you children , and that He wants you to do whatever it takes to have have the children He still plans on giving you . " I told her that that would have to be a miracle , because my husband had already said that he could never go through a reversal , especially if it was anything like having the initial vasectomy ! Well she preceded to tell me that , " I was to trust God for EVERY part of it , and that He would take care of EVERYTHING . " Well this brought me to tears , but I still kept thinking , " My husband will never go for through that again . NEVER ! " The rest of the weekend was a blur to me as I could not get these words out of my head , nor could I stop soaking up anything and everything that this woman had to say ! I went home that following afternoon , full of elation and peace ! And I couldn 't wait to tell my husband what this awesome woman had said to me ! When I came in , my husband actually turned off the television to give me his complete attention , and I started spilling the beans . I couldn 't stop crying while I told him what Julaine had said . To my complete surprise , my husband said , " Well then , I guess I better call the doctor that did the initial vasectomy , and see when we can get this done . " You could have heard a pin drop , because I was so blown away ! And that week , he did call the doctor and we made an appointment to talk to him about the reversal . He said he would do it on one condition , and one condition only . . . that we did NOT mention who did the reversal for us because he was afraid that my mother - in - law would make his life a living hell for him . So , we agreed , and set up a date . My husband went in , and I went with him this time , and we had the reversal done . Almost 1 year to the day that we had the reversal , I found out that I was pregnant ! ! ! ! I was so exceedingly thrilled that I took numerous pregnancy tests , all positive , and then made an appointment to go right in to see my OB / GYN to be 100 % certain . His test was positive too ! ! I was so excited that I nearly passed out ! I stopped by a pay phone , and called my husband first ! Then I called our church and asked to talk to one of my friends who was a teacher in the church school there . They pulled her out of class to come to the phone . She was so excited for us that she started crying herself and started telling anyone who walked by . Word passed very quickly after that ! GOD HAD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS ! ! ! We could not have been happier ! I cannot even begin to tell you how elated we were by all of this ! PLUS , to make this whole miracle even more awesome . . . our insurance company said that as long as we agreed to not make this a " form of birth control , " then they would pay 80 % of the total bill ! AND , wouldn 't you know it , but my OB / GYN doctor himself , along with his colleges , had just built a new office building , and needed to hire someone to not only run and set up the entire computer system for the whole building , but also someone to set up their entire phone system , and their stereo system for the whole building . The money he made from those 3 extra " jobs , " more than paid the other 20 % And all praises to the Lord , we have now had 5 more " reversal " babies , making a total of 9 children in our quiver ! ! ! God is good . God is faithful . The Bible says , " Blessed are those whose quiver is full of them ( children ) . " We are truly blessed ! ! ! ! Posted by We are so excited ! ! Last night , Ashley 's boyfriend , Perry , asked her to marry him ! It 's awesome how God brought them together . . . he happened to be brought in to the hospital , where our daughter works , to have his appendix removed . Ashley was assigned to him as her patient at the hospital . That 's how they met . About 3 weeks later , Ashley got a message asking for her to call him . At first his name didn 't ring a bell , but the note ( which she still has ) , asked for her to call him , and said that he " doesn 't drink , and doesn 't smoke . " : + ) Well that intrigued Ash , so she called him . They went out once , and that 's how the story begins . She almost chickened out , but her best friend and I convinced her to go at least once . LOL ! Well , needless to say , the same girl who kept asking me the last couple of years now , " What if I miss meeting the man God has picked out for me and I 'm alone the rest of my life ? " is " officially " engaged to be married ! They are hoping to be married this coming June or July . Posted by Our oldest daughter 's best friend of about 18 years now , was attacked by a pitt bull yesterday evening . Actually , she is 5 months pregnant with their 2nd baby ( another little girl ) , and also a 2 1 / 2 - year - old precious little girl . Due to already having pregnancy complications , she is supposed to be on bed rest , but her fiance ' is in the Army and was gone for some sort of training for the weekend . She had gone to her fiance 's house to let their dogs out to go potty . She had her little girl with her . The dogs went outside and pottied , and she was in the process of putting them back in their cages when one of the pitt bulls got mad and didn 't want to be put away . She stepped in front of her little girl , being afraid that the dog would attack her . The dog attacked Anna though instead . Anna yelled for Addie to climb up on the riding mower , which she finally did , but by then the pitt bull had knocked Anna to the ground . She managed to crawl over to her fiance 's toolbox and got out a jip knife . She stabbed the dog in the face at least 12 times , but the dog wouldn 't back down . Anna 's dog broke out of his cage to try to protect Anna . Her dog , Tyton , pulled at the Pitt Bull and got his back enough that Anna could take off her jeans . She remembered her fiance ' telling her that if anyone is ever being attacked by a dog , take off the article of clothing that the dog is attacking to distract them . She managed to get her jeans off long enough to get Addie , crawl to the house , and call 911 before the dog got her again . They rushed her to one hospital , and then had to rush her to a second hospital in Omaha because of the extensive injuries . The pitt bull , at least this particular one , will be put down this coming Monday , after they make certain he doesn 't have rabies , and hasn 't bitten anyone else in the last several days . If Anna had not gotten between her little girl and this pitt bull , Addie probably would be dead today . Anna was in surgery till 1 : 00 this morning . The surgery took longer than expected and she may have nerve dam One wound |
I have been an activist in the psychiatric survivor movement since 1971 . I am the author of " On Our Own , " the first book about the goals and principles of the movement ( available from the National Empowerment Center ( http : / / power2u . org / ) . I believe that until people labeled as " mentally ill " have the same rights as others , we will continue to be marginalized and discriminated against . We got in bed last night at around eleven thirty . I told Marty I was feeling somewhat agitated , so he suggested that I use the haldol gel , and I rubbed a bit of it on my arm . That 's really all I remember until waking this morning at twenty after eight - - a deep , sound sleep , and I 've dropped off for a couple of naps since then . Not surprisingly , I feel much calmer today . Lack of sleep really affects moods , and makes everything more difficult . I 'm still coughing a lot , although not as much as yesterday , which really tires me out , and has also given me the beginning of an umbilical hernia . Louise suggested I clutch a pillow firmly against my belly when I cough , to give the muscles some support . We 've been eating variants on our Thanksgiving dinner all weekend , and it continues to be just as yummy as it was on Thursday . Last night I was having a plate of all the goodies , sitting in the living room wearing my warm robe , and in the middle of dinner I suddenly got really hot . I needed to take off my robe and even then it took me awhile to cool off . I 've also had a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich for lunch twice , and may do the same today ( It 's about four o ' clock but I 'm just beginning to get hungry ) . Marty is out taking Donna home - - Ann was here until Nancie arrived , and Ann may come back if Marty is delayed getting home . I 'm definitely feeling better than yesterday and I attribute most of it to finally getting some sleep . The past few days I 've been experiencing a real sense of loss , triggered by constant reminders of how weak I have become and how there are an increasing number of things I can 't do anymore . The result has been a growing sense of frustration and irritability . I have moments when I just want to pick up something and throw it against the wall , although I haven 't actually gotten to that point . Really simple things , like brushing my teeth , have become a major production . I don 't have the energy to stand at the sink , and I like to brush my teeth immediately after eating , so Marty ( or one of my PCAs ) has to set me up with my electric toothbrush ( with the toothpaste already on ) , a towel , an emesis basin ( the little curved thing that hospice got for me ) , and a glass of water . I brush my teeth numerous times a day , and it is so annoying that I need so much help . Another thing that happens when I get into one of these moods is not being able to sleep at night . Although I have been dozing off during the daytime quite easily , when the time comes to go to sleep for the night I just tense up and can 't get to that point of pleasantly drifting off . Having dealt with sleep problems for most of my life , one of the things I have actually enjoyed during the past year is that most nights I do sleep easily and soundly , probably better sleep than I 've gotten for most of my adult life . I don 't want to take any kind of heavy duty sleeping meds - - I 've been using a small dose of amitriptyline at bedtime for the past few years , which most nights seems to do the trick . As a lifelong insomniac I have learned not to worry about not sleeping - - when I get tired enough I will sleep , and if I 'm not sleeping I can read or watch TV or play around on the computer , which I did last night . I came into the living room at about three ( Marty had been having trouble sleeping last night too , but once he finally got to sleep I wanted to let him get some badly needed rest ) and I think did drift off for an hour or so . The long walk from the bedroom to the living roPosted by I 've been feeling so bad all week that it was kind of amazing that Thanksgiving was so good . Friday and today I 'm back to feeling weak and out of breath - - it is just so discouraging . Last night I also had trouble sleeping , and was up a good part of the night watching TV . But it 's at least better than Wednesday , the day I was so weak I had to make it from the bedroom to the living room in stages of a few steps at a time , with strategically placed chairs along the way . I am just so sick of this . Every little thing makes me tired , and I have been dropping off to sleep several times during the day . The thing that scares me the most is lingering on in this stage indefinitely . In a few weeks it will be a year since I have been in hospice ; at that time I said that I just wanted to live long enough to see spring , and here it is getting into another winter . There 's just no point in living like this , and yet I just seem to go on and on . At least I 'm not in pain - - that would be far more awful - - but I just continue to get weaker and weaker , able to do less and less . Marty continues to be a source of strength and support , reminding me that he loves and cares about me . This would be so much harder without him in my life . Often , when I wake up in the morning , even before trying to get out of bed , I can tell if I 'm going to have a good day or a bad day , so after yesterday , which was so awful , it was great to wake up this morning and know that I was going to be much stronger . In fact , a little while ago , I just walked from the bedroom to my chair , without needing to stop , or to hold onto anyone , and not getting really short of breath - - a dramatic change from yesterday . I 'm still hoping to get dressed , but even if I have to sit at the table in my robe it will still be really enjoyable . Thanksgiving dinner preparations are going on all around me - - Marty , Donna , and Ann are all working hard - - and Donna has added a number of additional items to my basic menu , so there is going to be lots and lots of food . Some things got cooked yesterday and just need to be reheated , but I 'm really kind of out of the loop as far as the details are concerned . I know Donna used my recipe for cranberry sauce , which she showed me the other day , and I think the stuffing got made yesterday too ( we are cooking the turkey unstuffed ) . Yesterday poor Ann got stuck with the job of peeling all the tiny little onions that will be made into creamed onions , using a really easy recipe from " Microwave Gourmet " that I have made every Thanksgiving for years . I got really teary and emotional this morning , which I think is just a release of tension after the awfulness of yesterday . I always try to keep my emotions close to the surface , so I just let the tears flow . I am so grateful for feeling better today , and I am looking forward to sitting at the table and being with people I care about , and who care about me , sharing a meal and all the good feelings that go along with it . I continue to get weaker . This morning I went to the bathroom and just barely made it back to the bedroom , where it took about five minutes before I could catch my breath . I wanted to move into the living room but just felt too weak . When Barbara , the physical therapist arrived , she suggested a few strategically placed chairs so I just needed to take a few steps before resting , and so I was able to make it , in stages , into the living room . I 'm much more comfortable in the recliner , and Barbara 's bodywork always makes me feel better . Later Nancie arrived ; I 'd been hoping to feel strong enough for a shower but definitely didn 't have the energy , so she gave me a sponge bath here in the living room , and used dry shampoo on my hair . My hope is to get dressed and sit at the table tomorrow and feel like a normal person ! Ann and Donna have been cooking a good part of the day , and Marty went out to get the turkey from Whole Foods , along with a pumpkin pie and an apple pie , and some champagne . It would be so nice if I have a better day tomorrow and can really enjoy Thanksgiving and all this yummy food . I really love turkey and stuffing and gravy and cranberry sauce and all the other stuff that will be on the table , including baked sweet potatoes , acorn squash , mashed potatoes , brussels sprouts ( and I think Donna has added some other things that I don 't even know about ) . But a morning like today leaves me feeling very discouraged . I get weaker and weaker , everything gets more and more difficult , and I 'm quite ready for it all to be over . Apparently , this sounds like " whining " to at least one reader ; all I am trying to do here is to document how it feels to have a terminal illness and the effects not only on the patient , but on the family and caregivers . I appreciate those readers who came to my defence and who seem to understand the purpose of this blog . After being so groggy most of the day yesterday , I had no trouble falling asleep , and both Marty and I were soundly asleep at two A . M . when my Lifeline machine suddenly went off - - " It 's time to test your Lifeline . " This machine is loud on purpose , so it can be heard no matter what room I 'm in , so of course we both woke with a start , and after that neither one of us got much restful sleep . ( Lifeline is a service that gives you a button to push if you should fall or have some other emergency when you 're alone in the house , and they will send help . ) Marty likes to go to sleep with the TV on and the timer set so that it turns off after an hour , and I 'm pretty used to that , but last night he was watching something eerie or disturbing ( I can 't remember exactly what ) , so I asked him to change the channel , and he gave me the remote so I could put on something that wouldn 't bother me . I put on a show called " Platinum Weddings , " which shows these really extravagant weddings , and which I enjoy in some weird way . He fell asleep , and I watched that on and off , drifting into sleep but never really soundly , thinking several times that it was morning but discovering that it was four A . M . , then five , and then I must have finally gotten into a deep sleep because it was twenty after eight . Our morning pattern is to watch two episodes of " The West Wing , " which start at eight , and we 're almost always awake by then . I 'm less groggy than I was yesterday , but I 'm sure would feel even better if I 'd slept soundly through the night . This morning I called the Lifeline service , which is based at Mount Auburn Hospital , to complain , and got some " explanation " that really didn 't explain much . The guy said that if it hadn 't been tested in the last thirty days this could sometimes happen , and I tried to emphasize that it should never happen in the middle of the night . The upshot of it is that they are going to send me some stickers for my calendar to remind me to test it within each thirty day period , whereas I really think the onus should be on thPosted by Maybe because I slept so poorly last night , I spent a lot of today in a semi - stupor , drifting in and out of sleep . I was trying to watch the Giants game ( fortunately , they broke their four game losing streak ) , but even that was an effort . It was pretty clear that I just wasn 't up to going out . At one point , I suggested that we go out for dinner , but I was still pretty non - functional , so that didn 't happen either I 'm sleepy again now , so maybe I 'll be able to sleep when I 'm supposed to , at night and in bed . After football , I was watching " 60 Minutes " and they did a pretty good story on end of life care , talking about how difficult it is to raise these questions with patients , doctors , and families , and that therefore people end up getting treatments that don 't benefit them and just prolongs the dying process , and meanwhile costs a lot of money . Rather than saying to myself that I should write to them , I immediately got out the computer and sent an e - mail supporting their main points and describing my situation . " 60 Minutes " has run some pretty horrible mental health stories over the years , but that 's no reason not to approach them on a story that they might be able to get right . It 's still unseasonably mild , and Marty is trying to convince me to go out this afternoon , to a photography exhibit about Bethlehem . I 'm coughing up a storm this morning , so I 'm not sure how much energy I have , but it certainly would be nice to see something other than the inside of this house for a few hours . If I stay home , I can watch the Giants game on TV at one , but if we go out Marty will set up the machine to tape it , which we can watch when we get back ( trying to make sure that we don 't hear the final score , which takes all the excitement out of it ) . But I think I will make an effort and see if we can actually get outside and be involved in something that takes my mind off being an invalid . I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night ( not surprising after getting more than ten hours the night before ) and around six A . M . I moved myself into the living room , and have been reading and watching TV and playing around on the computer most of the morning . A little while ago Marty tried some dry shampoo on my hair ( an aerosol can of some sort of powder that gets brushed through the hair ) , and he said it definitely looks better . If we are going out , I have to start thinking about getting dressed , as everything takes such a long time . For awhile the sun was out , but now it 's cloudy again . I get so frustrated when people tell me I 'm being " brave . " I certainly don 't feel brave . I feel so useless most of the time , unable to do the simplest things without help . The only thing that still seems to work - - at least sometimes - - at my old level is my brain . But even there , I don 't seem to have the patience , or the stamina , or whatever , to do any sustained work . The tiredness , the fatigue , is so overwhelming . If I close my eyes , I can feel myself drifting off towards sleep . And sleep is a good thing . Last night , making up for a night of poor sleep the night before , I think I slept for more than ten hours . And it was good that Marty got a pretty good night 's sleep , too . So the day got a late start ; I didn 't have breakfast till about ten , and I had a late lunch in mid - afternoon . Food continues to be pleasurable , anyway . Meanwhile , I have to deal with important decisions , like whether to rent out the upstairs or turn the building into two condos . I get so worried about running out of money . I really didn 't think I 'd live this long , and although the general trend is definitely downward , it is really , really slow , and I 'm so afraid I could linger on like this for awhile , just watching my money dwindle and getting weaker and weaker . I hate this damn disease ! Today was not as good as yesterday , but definitely better than Wednesday . I 've been able to get into my chair and have spent most of the day here , but I 've been coughing a lot all day , and I 've had a headache a lot of the day ( although much milder than the one the other day ) . Louise was here this morning to check me out , and we had a meeting with Nancy , the social worker , reviewing the emotional roller coaster I 've been on the last few weeks . It feels good to just let out my emotions and try to figure out what are the best steps for me to take from here . Meanwhile , I 've had some opportunities to use my brain - - a MindFreedom International ( http : / / www . mindfreedom . org / ) board teleconference , a phone interview for a Website on recovery and empowerment , and some e - mail correspondence with the hospice lobbying group . I 'm hoping I feel strong and focused enough next week to write something for them . Recognizing that I still can do useful work certainly helps my overall mood , since in general I feel so discouraged . The scariest thing right now is that I could end up plateauing at this level for an indefinite time period . To weak to wash or dress myself , needing help to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth , getting outside only on special occasions with lots of support and paraphernalia - - this is not the life I want . There are still nice things to look forward to - - like Thanksgiving - - but , in general , I don 't see all that much to get excited about . I 'm so tired , and I 'm so tired of being tired . I haven 't posted anything for awhile , but there 's been a lot going on . Yesterday was an unbelievably horrible day when even the slightest exertion left me gasping for five minutes or more until I could catch my breath . I spoke several times on the phone with both Louise and Lauren , and when I had taken all the meds they suggested and still wasn 't feeling any better , Lauren said I shouldn 't even try to get out of bed . This exhaustion actually started the day before , Tuesday , when Marty was out and first Judy and then Patti were here . Judy went searching under the bed and found the shield for the book light , which was all the way over under Marty 's side ( we figure the cats had pushed it there ) , and both she and Patti did quite a lot of straightening up and putting things away . When Patti had to leave , Marty wasn 't back yet , so I told her to put a note on the front door for the guy from the pharmacy , saying to be patient and someone would come eventually . Marty got home just a short while after Patti left , but then he went back out to the car to unload groceries and it was at just that moment that the bell rang . It rang several times and Marty still wasn 't back so I decided I had to answer it and walked the short distance to the front door ( I think it 's about the same distance as from my chair to the bathroom ) . As I was opening the door my knees started to tremble uncontrollably , so the first thing I said to the poor deliveryman was " I 'm going to fall . " " I won 't let you fall , " he said , and he put out his arms to hold me up , and just then Marty came in and the two of them helped me back to my chair , but it was very scary . Marty said that when he walked into the living room and saw my chair empty he got worried , and his first thought when he saw the guy holding me was that he was attacking me , but he quickly figured out what was going on . When I told Lauren about it yesterday she explained that my brain was sending oxygen to my lungs and there was none left over for the muscles . Yesterday there was two other brief perioPosted by I slept rather fitfully last night , getting a good chunk of sleep in the early part of the night . Marty was up quite late ( both of us occasionally have these nights when we 're too keyed up to even try to sleep ) , so when I woke up after he had finally gotten to sleep I didn 't want to disturb him , because I knew how much he needed his sleep . Somehow I managed to drop my itty bitty booklight off the bedside table and , feeling around in the dark , I found the main part ( including the bulb , which amazingly didn 't break ) , the batteries , the battery cover , but not the shield that goes over the bulb and directs the light . I was even able to get it put back together , and read for awhile without the shield , which created much more glare . ( You can see what this looks like at www . zelco . com . ) Eventually I woke up at about a quarter to eight , with a splitting headache , and since I wanted to let Marty sleep as long as possible , came into the living room . I took some morphine , which didn 't even put a dent into the pain , and the next hour or two was sheer hell . It was a combination of a sinus headache and pain across the whole front of my head . Eventually Marty got up , and gave me some tylenol and some ativan , and with some additional morphine I was finally able to get the pain under control . I then spent a couple of hours totally doped up , which was much better than being in pain , but unpleasantly non - functional ( I was trying to do the Boston Globe crossword , which is pretty easy , but kept drifting off so that it took me well over an hour to finish it ) . Given the choice between pain and being so drugged , I 'd definitely take the latter , but it wasn 't fun . It 's now mid - afternoon and I think the worst of the drugged feeling is over , and my head doesn 't hurt , but it looks like this is going to be a totally wasted day . I hope we can find the missing part of the booklight , but since both Marty and I have trouble getting down on the floor ( and especially getting up again ! ) , it may have to wait until the next time a PCA is here . I know thPosted by Reading my e - mail the other day , I discovered that a meeting of a board I sit on , Human Services Research Institute ( http : / / hsri . org ) , was meeting today in Cambridge . I had gotten an earlier notification , but had forgotten ( I have a memory like a sieve these days because of all the drugs ) . I called the logistics person , who had already made a hotel reservation for Marty and me , and started figuring out with Marty the logistics of getting us there . He had to go to help Donna with some problems on Thursday morning , but he was sure he 'd be back in time to load up the car and drive us to the hotel for the pre - meeting dinner . Ann was here and helped me get packed and dressed , but then Marty called and said he was stuck in traffic and definitely would not get back in time . He suggested I call the hotel to ask if they had a wheelchair , which it turned out they did , so Ann drove me to the hotel and a very nice hotel person helped me into the wheelchair and brought me up to the room , where I rested until it was time to go down to the restaurant for dinner . I called the front desk and someone came immediately and brought me downstairs ( it was really a pleasure to get such excellent , friendly service ) . There was some wine and cheese before dinner , and good conversation , with people expressing appreciation that I had come . Then we moved into the restaurant proper for dinner , and Marty arrived just as people were beginning to get their food . I had a delicious steak , served with wonderfully seasoned sauteed mushrooms , but was very tired and couldn 't eat that much , although I did polish off the chocolate cake that was served for dessert . The oxygen company had delivered a concentrator ( when I arrived the guy at the front desk said that it had just been delivered and put in my room ) , so I had a good night 's sleep , but woke up still feeling tired . The room had a wonderful roll - in shower which I really wanted to take advantage of , but just didn 't have the energy . Marty helped me get dressed and we went down for the pre - meeting breakPosted by Maybe it 's the letdown after the trip , but I feel so tired and with so little to look forward to . My medical condition has plateaued at a very low level , leaving me too tired to do much but apparently too healthy to die . And all the tension between Julie and me is sapping my emotional energy . As always , I 'm trying to keep my emotions on the surface and let myself cry when I need to cry . I 'm turning my thoughts to Thanksgiving , which we will keep small - - just Marty and me , plus Donna and possibly one or two other friends . Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday - - with no religious significance , it 's about community and mutual support , two things of great significance in my life . We 've figured out a menu most of which can be prepared in advance , and which will leave lots of great leftovers . Planning a lovely meal with friends is a good way to keep my mind off all of this bad stuff . And I really do love turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce and all that good stuff . A lot of people find it silly , but I really do like to use Thanksgiving as a time to reflect on and appreciate the things in my life I am thankful for . Even with all the things that are so bad in my life , dying of this awful disease , as well as the estrangement from my daughter , the amazing thing is that I still really do have things to be thankful for . Having Marty in my life and seeing daily evidence of his love and devotion is the biggest , and almost as big is the care I get from hospice , helping me to maximize the time that I have and make it as good as possible . This morning I got an e - mail from a Website called disease . com , saying that they had selected my blog as a " Top Blog , " which they will list on their site and giving me a banner about it to display on mine . I took a look at the site but can 't figure out who sponsors it - - it doesn 't seem to be primarily commercial , but I would like to find out more about it . It does seem that it would get me a lot more readers . Although I didn 't feel abnormally tired in the early part of the week ( when I was expecting to , after the trip ) , the last few days I 've been feeling really exhausted . I seem to have lost a day , as I find it hard to believe it 's Saturday already . I just haven 't done much of anything . There is a big change about to happen , as Julie told me the other day that she and Jim decided they need more space and are moving to a larger apartment nearby . She said that she would take care of advertising the apartment and doing the initial interviewing , although of course I would make the final decision . Arlington is considered a desirable place to live , so I feel confident that it won 't take long to find a tenant . Oddly , I was thinking a few days ago that it must be difficult to have just one bathroom for five people , and then a few hours later she told me about moving ! I never had the energy to try taking a shower while we were away ( there was some sort of fold - away built in seat in the tub in the hotel ) , but on Monday I was feeling strong enough , so Nancie gave me a wonderful shower . Then when she was here on Wednesday I told her I was feeling itchy all over ( I had waked up several times during the night because of it ) , so she rubbed lotion all over my body , remarking on how dry my skin looked . And when she was here yesterday I told her I didn 't feel strong enough for a shower , so instead she gave me a lovely sponge bath in bed , and with more lotion and a fresh nightgown , which made me feel great . ( This is just one more example of the quality of life issues that are so prominent in hospice care . ) Marty went out to Bed Bath & Beyond the other day and bought some new fluffy pillows , and I tried last night to see if I could sleep better with my head raised a bit higher . I 'm not sure if it worked or not , as I woke up several times and turned on my reading light , but each time I found that after a few minutes nothing I was reading was making sense , so I got back to sleep quite quickly , waking for good about eight . But I 've been both Posted by My trip to Omaha never would have been possible without the support and cooperation of my hospice program , Visiting Nurse and Community Health of Arlington , Massachusetts , and the Omaha hospice program , Visiting Nurse Association of Omaha who provided seamless coverage and made me feel safe and secure . About a week before the trip , I notified Louise , who has been my regular nurse since Lauren has been out on sick leave , and the administrator of the Arlington hospice located the Omaha program and sent them my records . Before we left , I also called Omaha to give them information about our flights and where we would be staying , and when we arrived at the hotel I called to let them know the trip had gone well . The nurse on call , Scott , came to the hotel , although it was quite late in the evening , just to check me out ( he also brought some distilled water which we needed for our " elephants " ) . He was so cheerful and friendly and encouraged us to call at any time if there were any problems . When we needed to call , the next day , because I was feeling so awful , sick to my stomach and probably feverish , the nurse on call , Amy , came and stayed for several hours , first administering some medicine that she had brought with her at my request ( a compazine suppository ) , and then , when that brought only partial relief , she called the doctor and went out to get some additional medicines . All together I think she was with us for several hours , and she was so supportive and positive while I was weepy and miserable . The hospice movement attracts certain kinds of people , who find it rewarding to work with dying patients , although I suppose many people would not find it appealing work . But in all my experiences with hospice , both when my dad was a hospice patient , and now my own , I have found a group of people who are upbeat without any kind of false cheerfulness , but who instead can help to find a positive aspect in any situation . When I first came into hospice , I was shown a diagram of patient - centered care , with the patient representePosted by After I gave my talk I was exhausted , but also exhilarated . So many people came up to me , wanting me to sign their copies of my book , or the program , or to give me their cards or things they had written , or just to talk . Eventually we made it back to the hotel room and were able to rest and relax . I felt so totally different from the way I 'd felt on Thursday , when I was so miserable and scared and wondering how we were ever going to get home . We talked about going out somewhere for dinner ( the hotel van was available to take us to an area with lots of shops and restaurants ) , but I was nervous about using up any excess energy before what was sure to be a tiring travel day , so we ended up eating in the hotel restaurant again , as we had the night before . It was nice when my good friend Pat Risser pulled up a chair and we got to have a nice long visit . On Friday evening after dinner we went to see some of the talent show , which is always a mixed bag , but included some pretty talented people , especially one guy from West Virginia with a gorgeous voice . Gayle Bluebird did her " Henrietta " persona , which she does every year ; this year , her act was that she was talking on the phone with Mark Davis , who was too sick to be there , so he couldn 't do his specialty , in which he appears in full beauty pageant regalia as " Miss Altered States of the Arts " ! It was very funny and was nice to have Mark there , at least in spirit . ( I love the way in which the GLBT contingent at Alternatives have named themselves the very in - your - face Fruit and Nut Bar ) . The talent show was supposed to include an " ice cream social , " so Marty decided not to have meat for dinner so he could eat ice cream later ( since he observes kosher requirements ) ; what a disappointment when we found just some little cups of sherbet and frozen fudge bars . But when we stuck our heads in after Saturday dinner at the Conference Halloween dance , it was a nice surprise to find a hotel waitress cutting up a big cake and we each had a big slice , and then called it a night . ( MartPosted by Lunch on Saturday was the whole reason for my trip . Marty and I were seated at the head table , along with Joseph and another staff member of the Mental Health Association of Southeastern Pennsylvania ( his organization ) , and I was sitting next to a woman I didn 't recognize , so she said she was there because of her husband ( sitting on the her other side ) , who turned out to be Senator Nelson from Nebraska . When it was his turn to speak , he went on and on and on about all his accomplishments in mental health , most of which had only tangential connections to our issues , although I was glad he mentioned probably Nebraska 's most prominent consumer / survivor activist , J . Rock Johnson , and it was clear from what he said that they had had many interactions . When he 'd finally finished , the two of them couldn 't get out of there fast enough , which I found rather rude ! I had said to Marty that I wasn 't sure what I would say , but felt confident that it would come together , but first , when I was introduced , the whole room erupted in chants of " Judi ! . . . Judi ! . . . Judi ! . . . " which went on and on , and everyone rushing forward with their camera phones so that I felt I was surrounded by the paparazzi ! When I finally got to speak , I was close to tears . I talked about how important this movement has been in my life , transforming me from someone who saw herself as a helpless " mental patient " to someone who was part of an important movement for social change . I talked about the work we had done , and what we had accomplished , but also how much more that needed to be done , and how gratifying it was to see so many new people getting involved , bringing in their own ideas and new energy , but recognizing that were building on what had come before . And I talked about what my life has become now , and how I saw hospice as the model of what we wanted the mental health system to do - - putting the person 's needs in the center and helping to figure out how to make those ideas and dreams happen . I certainly never could have made this trip without all the suppPosted by |
Joe woke up . He rolled over and looked at the clock . The red numbers glowed 2 : 35 in the darkness . He normally slept through the night , but knew once he woke up like this , it would usually take a while before he could fall back to sleep . Careful to not wake up his wife , he rolled out of bed and padded to the kitchen where the family 's computer was . The dull hum of the fan and the clicking of the hard drive greeted him as he plopped down in the chair and switched on the device . The flashing lights of the cable modem began and soon Joe was logged on and surfing the web . He was a regular at several of the bigger gun forums and he regularly checked in on a survival forum or two as well . He was paging through and reading some of the new posts on his favorite survival site when a new post appeared at the top . Joe laughed to himself . The tin - foil - hat brigade was always posting something like this just because gas went up ten cents a gallon or some other meaningless event that they somehow twisted into The - End - Of - The - World - As - We - Know - It . He looked to see who the paranoid loser that posted this at almost 3 : 00 in the morning was . Joe was surprised to see the handle Ben Franklin next to the post . Ben Franklin was a man that Joe admired . He had never met the man , but knew from his posts that he was no kook . Ben was a moderator on this message board and was highly thought of for his fairness and objectivity . Joe knew that he worked at a nuclear power plant , but didn 't know what his exact job was . It seemed that he was one of the top men at the facility , but Ben had never been real forthcoming about his exact title . Joe nervously clicked the link and a message that appeared hurriedly written appeared on the screen . " I just got a call from my boss . There are confirmed reports that terrorist have bombs with nuclear material that they plan to detonate during rush hour in the morning . They found a dirty bomb in Boston about two hours ago and the guys they arrested told them there were a lot more of them . Estimates are that they are in ten or twelve major cities . It 's possible that one or two of them could be full nuclear devices . Even if they are all just dirty bombs , the panic will be horrific . This is not a joke ! My boss only found out because the NRC called and told him to shut down the plant . If you are in a major city , get out now ! The information I got is a little sketchy , but New York and DC are sure to get it . I don 't know where else is going to be hit , but any big city will panic whether they get hit or not as soon as word gets out . This may take a few minutes to hit the mainstream media and maybe that will give the members here a few minutes head start . I 've got to go load up the truck . I plan to be out of here in ten minutes . Good luck and God bless . " Joe 's heart jumped into his throat . It was really happening . He always knew that it could , that 's why he hung around in the survival forums . He just never expected that it would be this soon . He had first become interested in survival in 1999 . He had stockpiled food and supplies for Y2K , but it had not happened . Since then his level of preparedness had fallen off some , but he still had a lot of things put back . He jumped up and ran into his bedroom . " I wish , " he replied . " No , this is for real . There are dirty bombs in several major cities . There could even be one here . " " Maybe it 's a joke , " Linda suggested . " Maybe someone hacked his password and they 're pulling a bad prank . " She reached onto the nightstand and found the TV remote . She hit power and then tuned to CNN . " Think about it , " Joe said , " if the government told everyone , they would just panic . They 're going to keep it under their hats as long as they can . Ben would not kid about something like this . We 've got to get loaded and head to your parents ' place . " Linda bristled . " Look Joe , you 're being paranoid . CNN would know if something was going on and they would tell us about it . Your friend , " she paused as she folded her arms , " is wrong . " " What are you guys screaming about ? " Melissa , the couple 's fourteen - year - old daughter , asked from the door of their bedroom while rubbing her eyes . " That 's nice , " Melissa said . As was too often the case , this would end up being a girls against the boys argument , Joe thought . He took a deep breath and tried to calm down . " Look , maybe it is a mistake and maybe it 's not . But , what if it is true ? I 'd rather be safe than sorry . Wouldn 't you ? We can go to your parents ' house and if nothing happens by seven thirty we can all call in sick or something . We don 't have to tell anyone anything . " " Okay , Mom , " the teenager answered . She turned and headed down the hall toward her brother 's room . She opened the door and called his name . " Leave me alone . It 's Wednesday , you dope . We have school in … " He looked at his clock , “… five hours ? What the hell are you waking me up for ? " " Andy , get up now . Get dressed . I need your help , " Joe said as he passed his son 's room , threading a belt through his jeans . Joe walked to the kitchen and tried to gather his thoughts . His in - laws lived 150 miles away in a rural area . Although they called their place a farm , it was only fifteen acres . Originally , the house and barn had been the headquarters for a large family farm , but once the old farmer died , his kids had divided the place up and sold it off . Linda 's parents had bought the farmhouse and the few acres that surrounded it when they had retired . The larger tracts had been sold or leased to local farmers that used them for crops or hay . All right , take care of the basics first , he thought . Water , food , and shelter are the most basic . For water there is the well at the farm . And , my generator will work the electric pump even if the power goes out . I just need to make sure we have enough gas to last for a while . That takes care of water . " We ate most of it . Some of it got so old that I threw it out . But you have that freeze - dried camping food and those MER 's or whatever they 're called . " " That 's not enough . I only have two cases of MRE 's . That 's just six meals apiece . There might be enough of the Mountain House food to last a week or so , but what if we need to help out your parents or your brother 's family ? We had enough food put back to feed 10 people for three months and now we don 't have anything ? " " Well , after the millennium , you told me to use it up . " " You 're right . I 'm sorry , " he said trying to calm her down . Linda was surprised . He usually would have argued longer , even though she would have still won . She saw how scared he looked . Maybe there was more to this than she thought . Joe certainly thought so . Her hands fell from her hips as she began to feel bad that she had disappointed him . Not that she could admit it to him , but her tone softened significantly . " What can we do ? " " We have to get some more food . Look , I 'm going to send you and Andy to the store . Buy as much dry and canned food as you can . Fill up the back of your SUV if you can . Melissa and I will stay here and load the truck . " Joe looked around . " Andy , hurry up . You need to go with your mother . " " Look , we 'll worry about that if nothing happens . Right now we just need to get what we have to have and get out of here . I want to save whatever credit we have on the cards for gas and other stuff . Do you think you could be back in thirty minutes ? " " We 'll try . Come on , Andy , let 's get going . I hope I don 't see anyone I know without my makeup on . " " Alright , that takes care of food . Next is shelter , " Joe said to no one . He looked at his daughter and smiled . " Grandma and Grandpa have plenty of room for all of us . Even for Uncle Larry and his kids . I better tell your Mom to call him . " " Hey , it 's me . You think you should call Larry and your folks ? " " I don 't think so . At least not yet . Remember how crazy Larry thought you were for buying all the Y2K stuff ? He still makes fun of you . And , there is no sense waking Mom and Dad since they don 't need to do anything . If it hits the news then I 'll call Larry , okay ? " " Alright , " he said to Melissa , " the next priority is clothes and personal items . Let 's get our Bug Out Bags . " He knew that defense was really next on the list , but he needed to get Melissa on something . Besides , he thought , getting my guns out of the safe and into the car will be easy . I 'll do that last . Joe handed his daughter her pack and gave her the look . It told her that he wasn 't happy without him having to say a word . She disappeared into her room and Joe could hear the dresser drawers opening and closing . He noticed that Linda 's pack looked a little empty as well . He opened it and found that it only held a ratty pair of jeans and a couple of shirts with a few odds and ends . When Joe had made everyone pack their BOB , they held enough clothes and toiletries to last at least three days . It seemed that everyone had raided their bag when they needed something and had not replenished them . He opened his and found it was in pretty good shape . There was no underwear in it , Linda must have taken them out to replace some of his old ones , and his toothpaste had leaked . Fortunately , it was in a Ziploc bag so it didn 't get on anything else . " Hurry and finish repacking your BOB . Then see if you can find your brother 's and make sure he has enough clothes and stuff in it . You need to repack your mom 's after that . I 'll put it on our bed . Also , turn on the TV and listen to it . If they start talking about an attack , come get me right away . Don 't let it slow you down , though . " Joe grabbed his bag and took it to the bedroom . He threw the busted toothpaste away and got three pairs of underwear out of his drawer and stuffed them in the pack . He wondered if they should take more clothes . Listen , when you 're finished with the Bug Out Bags , come out to the garage and get a big duffle bag from me . I want you to get some more clothes for all of us and get all the stuff you can out of the bathroom closet , too . Got it ? " Okay , what 's next , he asked himself . I better get the camping stuff in case the power does go out for a while . He headed out to the garage . At least this is organized , he thought as he looked at all his emergency equipment stacked neatly on shelves . Much of it was still brand new and in the original boxes . He walked over and started pulling things down that he thought he might need and stacking them in the middle of the garage floor . He also grabbed the generator out from under his workbench and put it next to the pile . What about gasoline , he thought . He looked in the corner and saw two five - gallon cans . He picked them up . One was almost empty and he had no idea how old the gas was in the other . He could pour it out and refill them both on the way out of town , but ten gallons would not last long if they really needed the generator . He called Linda 's phone . They each had a cart and were pushing them up and down each isle . Linda would point at things and tell Andy how many to get and he would load them onto the carts . When one of the carts was full , she told him to park it where it was and go get another . When all three carts were full , top and bottom , she decided that it was enough . " Yes , ma ' am . " Andy took off to the front of the store and Linda tried to move two of the baskets at a time by pushing one and pulling the other . She could barely budge them . She gave up on the one she was trying to pull and concentrated on pushing just one . It was so heavy that she even had trouble getting it going . When she got it to the main isle . She went back for the other basket . She pushed it about halfway to the front where they had left the first full basket . She went back for the second basket and was pushing it when her phone rang again . It was Joe again . " I 'm sorry , " Joe said , " but I need some propane for the Coleman stove and the lantern . Have Andy get about ten of the one - pound bottles . They should be in sporting goods . " Joe looked at his watch . It said 3 : 40 . He had hoped to be on the road by now , but as long as they got out before 4 : 00 or 4 : 15 they should be okay . He wondered why Melissa had not come to get the duffle bag . He grabbed the duffle and walked into Andy 's room where he found her looking at the TV while she was lazily stuffing clothes into his pack . " Melissa was very sensitive to being yelled at , especially by her father . Tears began to well up in her eyes . " But , Dad , I just found Andy 's pack a few minutes ago . It was stuffed under his bed . " " Okay . I 'm sorry I yelled . We just need to be ready to go by the time your mom and brother get home . You should have just gotten a trash bag or something when you couldn 't find his pack right away . " Joe went back to the garage and pulled down some more camping stuff . That should do it . He spotted his chain saw and decided to take it too . If they had to stay until winter , a long shot he knew , but it was already fall , they could use it to cut firewood for the fireplaces . He put it and its accessories in the growing pile . He looked at it and couldn 't think of anything else they might need . He opened the garage door to start loading his truck . He decided to back it in to make the job easier . Just as he was unlocking the door , Melissa called him . " Dad , Dad , it 's on TV ! " He rushed back into the garage and pulled the door down . When he got in , he heard the TV in his room . He ran down and saw Melissa working on her mother 's bag . She was quickly packing the bag from a pile of clothes on the bed . Her face looked older than it should have , Joe thought . He turned his attention to the television . … level has been raised to red . Authorities believe that the device found in Boston is the only one and that the terrorists are trying to cause a panic by alluding to others . However , the President has placed the military and FEMA on high alert and experts are searching other sites that might have a high probability of being a target . Authorities are urging all Americans to stay calm and stay in their homes . FEMA suggests that no one venture out until we have definitive word on where any other devices , if they even exist , might be . Moving from where you are might just put you in harms way . Authorities inform us that a dirty bomb is not immediately dangerous to anyone except in the small blast radius . It would take days of close exposure to absorb a lethal dose of radiation . If evacuation is needed , authorities will let the public know in plenty of time for a safe and controlled withdrawal from any dangerous area . Again , three men were arrested early this morning in Boston trying to plant a dirty bomb across the street from City Hall . A dirty bomb is an explosive device that has been laced with nuclear material . The arrest came about as the result of … Linda had pushed her three carts , using her one at a time method , almost to the check out by the time Andy showed up with the gas cans . He helped her push all four carts into the only check out line that was open and then ran back to get the propane . The cashier looked like she was only awake enough to be annoyed at the four basketfuls that she would have to scan and bag . Halfway through the second basket , Linda 's phone rang . Andy , who had returned quickly with the propane canisters , saw his mother go pale . She shook almost imperceptivity and her lips became tight . She didn 't say anything . " Dad , hey , we 're checking out now . " He paused . " No , everything is alright . " There was another pause . " Yes , I understand . We will . Bye . " Andy folded the phone and looked at the time on the display . He handed the phone back to his mother . " Dad says that we are behind schedule . " He saw the clerk raise her eyebrows at what he had said . " And , you know Dad . He always wants to leave at the crack of dawn . " The clerk smiled and Andy wondered if her dad was really one of those ' leave at the crack of dawn ' dads . He knew that his wasn 't . A minute later , a tall , thin , prematurely balding young man came up to the register . His nametag said ' Barry ' . Linda assumed that it was the night manager . Barry gave her a story about corporate calling and saying that the computers were going down for some unscheduled emergency maintenance . He announced over the intercom that the store had to close because of a computer problem and that all shoppers should bring their purchases to the checkouts . He also called all cashiers to report to their registers . Linda had begun to compose herself and she figured that the computer problem story was just a cover that the manager had made up or was told to use in case of an emergency . The cashier finally finished scanning the merchandise and gave Linda a total . Linda wrote the check , knowing that there wasn 't enough money in the account . She hoped she could get to the bank before it cleared , and wondered if it would even make a difference . She and Andy loaded the carts back up with the bagged merchandise and pushed them toward the door . When they got there , two security guards were standing there with the keys hanging from the lock . The older man smiled weakly and reached to unlock the door . The two men looked at each other and the older one nodded once to the younger man . He grabbed a cart each from Linda and Andy and headed out the door as the other guard held it open . It only took a few minutes to load the back of the SUV with the bags . The guard shoved the four empty baskets together and pushed them toward the entrance . Linda noticed that there were quite a few cars rushing into the parking lot as she climbed behind the wheel . She started the automobile and pulled out . As she drove by the store entrance , she saw several people banging on the door that she had just exited and a couple of them were yelling obscenities at the guards . She pulled back onto the street and saw that there was a significant amount of traffic for this time of night . Everyone seemed to be obeying the traffic laws except for maybe bending the speed limit a little . She found herself doing about ten miles an hour over as well . She pulled out her cell phone and handed it to Andy . Andy did as he was told . A minute later he spoke . " Uh , Uncle Larry , it 's me , Andy . " There was a brief pause . " Here , I think I better let my Mom tell you . " He handed the phone back to his mother . " I don 't know . But Joe has us leaving for Mom and Dad 's . Andy and I just left from the Wal - Mart with a bunch of groceries and stuff and they closed the store as we were leaving . " " Okay , I have the news on . Oh my God . I don 't believe it , " Larry said as he tried to catch his breath . " We 'll meet you at Mom and Dad 's , all right ? " Linda backed the car out of the driveway and then backed it next to Joe 's truck . Joe opened the back hatch . He pulled out the gas cans and placed them next to his truck . Linda and Andy came around to the back of the SUV . " Thanks for going with your mom . You did a good job . " Joe playfully punched Andy in the arm and was giving a return punch . " Now , get a couple of those empty totes and start stacking these bags of groceries into them . Then we 'll start loading the rest of the stuff . " Joe finished packing the rest of the gear he had assembled into the back of his truck . Then he placed the two old gas cans right next to the tailgate , followed by the six new ones . That done , he turned to his gun safe . He opened it and pulled out all twenty - one of his firearms . He put most of them into rifle cases or pistol rugs and put them into the extended cab of his pickup . He kept four rifles and four handguns out . One of each for each of them . He loaded the handguns from the ammo on his ammo shelf . Next , he loaded several magazines for each of the rifles . He had more magazines , but not more ammo . He had been meaning to buy more , but just never seemed to get around to it . Just like a lot of things he had been meaning to do . He had meant to start running to get rid of the spare tire around his middle . He had meant to get everyone out to shoot . He had meant to have a Bug Out drill . He just never seemed to be able to get around to any of these things . Well , perhaps there would be time for some of them now , and hopefully he could find a gun store close to his in - law 's house and buy or trade for some ammo if they needed it . The few boxes that were for his other guns he put inside the truck . He put Linda 's and Andy 's guns in the SUV and his and Melissa 's went into the truck . The girls brought out the BOB 's and the big duffle bag with the extra clothes . Linda also had another medium size bag that she handed to Joe . " Here 's everything else that I can think of , " she said . Joe nodded and loaded all six bags into the SUV , almost filling it to capacity . He looked at his watch . It read 4 : 52 . Joe couldn 't believe it . It had taken them just over two hours to get ready to go . He looked up and down the street . There were a couple of houses with activity , but it looked like most of his neighbors were still unaware . If he had known any of them well , he would have knocked on their doors and told them . He really only knew the names of three or four of them . Even though they were more than an hour behind when Joe had wanted to leave , they were still ahead of 90 % of the population if his neighborhood was any indication . " Andy , you ride with your mother , " he said . " Melissa , you 're with me in the truck . Everyone has a rifle and a handgun . I don 't think we 'll need them , but just in case , I want to be ready if we run into any trouble . How much gas do you have in the SUV , Linda ? " Joe had continually nagged her about filling up when she got down to half a tank . Unfortunately , Linda 's indicator that she needed gas was the little light that came on at about one eighth of a tank . " Damn it , " he said through clenched teeth . " That will barely get us to the next town . I was hoping to get at least halfway to the farm before we had to get fuel . " " I know a station that leaves the pumps on for credit card purchases when they close . Maybe we can get there before they get mobbed . Let 's get going . Stay right behind me , but if we get separated , use the radio . " Andy nodded his head and ran into the house . Joe rechecked the gear in the back of his truck to make sure nothing was where it could blow out . He glanced again at his watch . He walked around both of the vehicles and noticed a low tire on the front of the SUV . Well , he thought , how can I expect her to keep air in the tires when she won 't even keep gas in the tank ? He would air it up at the station . Andy raced past his father and got in his assigned vehicle . Joe quickly locked the house door and tripped the switch on the automatic garage door . He walked up next to Linda 's car and motioned for her to roll down the window . She nodded her head and started the car . Joe got in the truck , cranked it , and put it into gear . He glanced at the time on the radio as he turned onto the street . 5 : 01 . He was exasperated that it had taken this long . Ben Franklin had said that he was leaving in ten minutes . He was probably already at his bug out location . Next time I 'll make sure I 'm ready to go that quickly , Joe promised himself . There was a little more traffic than he would have expected , but it was moving well . When he entered the Crosstown Expressway , it looked like rush hour . There was a lot of horn honking and finger gesturing , but not much more than there usually was at five o ' clock on Friday afternoons . At least they were moving , not as fast as Joe had hoped , but it wasn 't too bad . Joe worked his way over to the left lane and made sure with each lane change that Linda was behind him . He calculated that at the speed they were moving , they would be at the gas station he wanted to fill up at in twenty minutes . Along the way , every open gas station had a line of cars . Even the ones that were closed had cars at the pumps . Joe figured that those drivers believed it was quicker to wait for the station to open than to get in one of the long gas lines . As they drove , the traffic got heavier and heavier . It took almost forty minutes to get to the station . It was a few blocks off of the access road . Joe only knew about it because he had needed fishing bait one time and a local had sent him here . The station closed from midnight to 6 : 00 AM , but the gas pumps would still work with a credit card . As they pulled into the lot , there was a car at every pump . Some had another behind them . Compared to the other stations , this was a dream though . Since only a few of the outside and none of the inside lights were on , most people probably thought the pumps were off too . Joe waved Linda behind a car at one pump and he pulled up behind another . Linda didn 't have to wait too long before she was able to pull up to her pump . Andy jumped out , swiped the credit card that she had given him and began to pump gas into the SUV . Joe was behind another truck that the driver had finished with one tank and was now beginning to fill the second . He began to reach into the bed of his truck and pull out 5 - gallon jugs to fill as well . Joe , not angry since he planned to do the same , was anxious to get back on the road . He noticed that a car pulled out from one of the pumps and the car behind it did not move . Joe looked and could see no one in the vehicle . He put his truck in gear and pulled in next to the pump . Swiping his credit card , he was pumping gas seconds later . " Hey , I was next ! " A man said , startling Joe and making him turn . The younger man was coming from behind the store . He was quite a bit taller than Joe and appeared to have a bad attitude . Joe wasn 't sure if it was just because of the situation or if it was normal for him . " I 'm sorry . There was no one in your car and I didn 't know where you were . I 'll be done in just a minute , " Joe said . " I had to go take a leak , " the man said as if it were Joe 's fault that his bladder had filled . He sat on the hood of his car and stared at Joe 's truck . The pump soon kicked off as Joe already had more than half a tank when he pulled in to the station . He reached in the back and started pulling out the jerry cans . " Oh , no , " the young man said as he jumped off his hood and clenched his fists . " You 're not gonna fill those up too . " He took a step toward Joe . He stepped to the back of his car and lifted the hatch . When he reappeared from the back he had a tire iron in his hand . Joe had no idea what the man meant to do with the bent metal weapon , but he didn 't want to find out . He reached in through the open door of the truck and pulled out his Kimber . 45 Auto . The man , seeing the weapon and the almost half inch hole of the muzzle , seemed to shrink in size . He quickly backed up . " Okay , okay man , relax . Don 't shoot me . I 'll get in the car . " He opened the door and got into his car without taking his eyes off of the high - dollar pistol . Joe stuck the . 45 in his waistband and stood were he could watch the little car and its occupant . He looked over at the SUV . Andy was hanging up the hose , oblivious to what had just happened . Joe didn 't trust the guy to stay in his car . " I know , " Joe said as he glanced in the direction of the tire iron brandisher . " He acted like he wanted to hurt us , so I had no choice . Now get out here and help your brother so that we can get out of here . " Melissa opened her door and scurried around to the back of the pickup . Joe carefully watched and made sure that the man could see he still had his Kimber ready . Joe heard several thuds as Melissa swung the now full jugs on to the tailgate . It seemed to take forever for his children to finish . Finally , he heard the tailgate shut and Andy spoke . A moment later , they were on the street and headed back to the Interstate . Joe grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911 . He figured that he better call the police before the jerk with the tire iron did . All he got in three tries was a busy signal . The traffic seemed to have doubled or tripled while they were buying fuel . Joe wondered if they should try to find another route , but he didn 't really know any others . He decided to go ahead and get on the freeway and then look for another route once they got out of town if the traffic got any worse . Linda was not able to get on right behind him , but there was only a car between them . Joe had no problem seeing her . Traffic would move along at 45 or 50 miles per hour for a ways and then slow to a crawl for a few minutes . Joe couldn 't see any reason for the disparity in speed , but he reckoned that there must be a reason . He hoped that the further they got out of town the better things would be . Joe mentally kicked himself again for taking so long to leave . Well , he thought , if I hadn 't woken up , we 'd still all be in bed right now . At least he could take some comfort in that . He wondered what the news was . He turned the radio on . The channel he liked played oldies , but a man 's voice came over the speakers . … is urging everyone to stay at home . Please keep the streets clear so that emergency personnel can respond . Also , the 911 Emergency system is being overwhelmed with calls . Please , only call 911 if you have true medical , police , or fire emergency . 911 is not an information service . Operators there cannot give you any information . Your best source of information is to stay here with us at KNAA Golden Oldies . Officials in Washington believe that the device found in Boston was the only one and that the terrorists ' plan was to start a nationwide panic . Local authorities assure us that there is no indication that any nuclear material is in our city . They have stated that even if the threats of twelve devices are true , it is not likely that we would be in the top twelve cities selected . The mayor is asking for everyone to cooperate . He asks that all schools and businesses close for the day and that only critical personnel report to work . The State Department of Transportation is urging everyone to stay at home . Please keep the streest clear so … Joe was quiet for a long moment . " I was pretty sure that he would back off if I just showed him the pistol . I know I wouldn 't have shot him for hitting the truck with the tire iron , but if he had tried to hurt you or Mom or Andy , I 'm pretty sure I would have pulled the trigger . Would that bother you ? " The traffic continued to slow . It still moved okay at times , but the time they spent just creeping was increasing . Joe looked at the clock . 6 : 14 is what it read . Almost an hour and fifteen minutes since they left the house . They had only gone 18 or 20 miles . It was obvious to Joe that traffic was getting worse , not better . He had to get off of the interstate . Melissa opened the box and found the map . She unfolded it and Joe saw her looking over the whole map again and again . He thought that , by now , she should have at least narrowed down where they were to half of the map . " Having trouble ? " he asked . " That 's great . Now , come back to where we are and follow the Interstate north until you get to where it intersects with Highway 59 . " Joe knew they were only five or six miles from the intersection . He hoped that he could turn west and then find another route north that would not be so clogged . After a few minutes of tracing roads with her finger , Melissa spoke again . " I found one . It 's just a thin line but it runs almost right to the farm . It 's SH 983 . You have to go about this far on 59 to get to it . " She held her fingers about four inches apart . Fifty miles , Joe figured . That wasn 't too bad . His in - laws were forty miles west of the interstate , so this should only be about 10 miles out of the way . If the traffic was moving any faster at all , they could make that up easily . Joe looked to his right and could see the sky turning pink . He looked in the rear view mirror and saw that now there were two cars between him and Linda . There were more and more cars trying to shoehorn themselves onto the expressway at every entrance . Joe looked at his watch and figured it would take another twenty or thirty minutes to reach Highway 59 at this rate . He prayed that the traffic on 59 would be better . A few miles up the road he decided that he had better start getting over so that he could exit . He looked behind him . Linda was three cars behind . It was starting to get light now , so she should have no problem seeing him change lanes . He put on his blinker and hoped that someone would let him over . Everyone on the road seemed so intent on getting out of town that no one would give him room to move right . He finally had to force his way over and ignore the response of horns and middle digits . He watched in the rearview and saw that Linda was able to find a generous soul to let her over . He repeated the maneuver and now was in the correct lane . Linda was not as lucky this time . No one wanted to let her over and she was about to pull the same rude stunt that Joe had . Joe was getting worried . He was getting very close to the exit for 59 . He tried to wave at Linda to come on up and he would let he over . She didn 't see him as she was spending more time looking back than forward . In addition , with a few cars getting off at the exit , Joe 's lane was now moving faster than Linda 's . Since Linda was ignoring him , he decided that he would go ahead and take the exit . That would force her to get over . Joe appreciated the fact that she was a very cautious driver , but in this situation she was just going to have to be a little more aggressive . Andy was still looking for space to get over . When the right lane moved some , the driver he was looking at seemed distracted and he didn 't move . This created an opening and Andy told his mother to go . Just as she cut the wheel and mashed on the accelerator , the driver saw that traffic was moving and he gunned his pickup . The sickening crunch of metal was the result of the two vehicles trying to occupy one space . Joe got out and loped back to the accident . Behind the bonded vehicles , traffic in both lanes had come to a halt . Only the left lane was moving and the rubberneckers wanting to see what had happened tremendously slowed it . The driver of the pickup was out of his car and surveying the damage . Joe , breathing hard , stopped next to him . Linda started to get out , but Joe signaled for her to stay in the car . " We could call the cops , but it will probably take them a long time to get here , " Joe said as he looked at the impact site . The truck looked to have almost no damage . The bumper might be a little bent , and it was probably scratched up some . Overall , it could have been much worse . Joe saw that the truck 's bumper was one of those heavy - duty steel pipe jobs and it had done its job of protecting the front of the truck quite well . The bumper had hit the front wheel of the SUV . There was a little sheet metal damage to his wife 's fender , but it didn 't look too severe . " Naw , " the man drawled , " I just want to get out of town . I don 't think my truck is hurt . Just give me your name and address and your insurance info and we 'll settle this later . " Joe motioned for Linda to get going as well . Cars on both sides of her were creeping past . She started the engine , put the car in drive , and mashed the gas pedal . The SUV didn 't want to move at first . She pressed the gas further and the big vehicle lurched forward with a horrible squeal . Joe looked back at the noise and could see that the front wheels were pointed in different directions . He held up a hand to stop Linda . He jogged back up to the front of her car while cursing their luck . He looked under the vehicle and could see that one of the tie rods was broken . They wouldn 't be taking the SUV any further . " The steering for one of the tires is broken , " Joe explained to Linda when he got to her window . " I 'll stop the traffic . Try to get it off of the road . " Linda nodded tersely . Joe stepped into the lane she needed to cross and held a hand up , becoming a human barricade . Tires screeched and horns blared , but the traffic stopped . Linda herded the beast with a wounded leg over behind Joe 's truck . It sat catty cornered , half on the shoulder , half on the grass . " We 'll just have to leave it here and go in the truck . I think we can stack most of the stuff in here on top of the stuff in the truck . You and Andy start bringing me everything . " Joe climbed in the bed and quickly stacked the cargo from the SUV as best he could . He covered it with a tarp from the camping supplies and laced a rope over the top to keep it secure . Joe was at least happy that he had these two items . When he had double checked everything , they locked the damaged vehicle and all climbed into the cab of the truck . It was crowded in the back for the kids with all of the guns and ammo . Melissa started to whine about it some , but Joe shut her up . The sun was up and Joe could see it in his rearview mirror as he rocketed west on Highway 59 at twenty miles an hour . He was glad to be off of the Interstate . Maybe they weren 't moving as fast as he would have liked , but at least the traffic here wasn 't stop and go . He looked at the time . The clock read 7 : 29 . Joe couldn 't believe it , but the wreck had cost them almost an hour . He had expected to be at his in - law 's house by now and they were just barely out of the city . He turned the radio back on . … were low yield backpack nuclear devices . For years , experts have warned that such an attack was not only possible , but inevitable . With many of the weapons of the former Soviet Union missing and unaccounted for , the material to build such a device is available on the black market . The other five bombs were only nuclear laced dirty bombs and pose little immediate danger to those not in the direct blast radius . Officials hope that any further devices are of the dirty bomb variety . They believe that the terrorist used all of the back pack nukes on New York and Washington . The authorities are asking that everyone stay calm . All of the bombs were detonated in the downtown areas of the attacked cities . Citizens only need to immediately evacuate if they are in the downtown area of a large city . Please listen to your local officials and obey their directions . If everyone tries to evacuate at one time , all arteries out of the cities will quickly become clogged . As Joe listened to the radio for the next several minutes , he was slowly able to piece together what had happened . At around 7 : 45 eastern time , seven cities were attacked . New York was hit by three different backpack nukes . One hit the financial district , one detonated just outside of city hall , and the other exploded on the edge of Central Park . Each blast killed thousands of people in a five or six block radius . Washington was hit by two of these bombs . One was close to the White House and the other was near Capitol Hill . Deaths from these two blasts were not as high as New York as many of the federal officials were evacuated as a precaution . Baltimore , Charlotte , Atlanta , Bangor , and Miami were all hit by dirty bombs . Widespread panic was proliferating through those cities and others like wildfire . Joe knew that he was far enough away from downtown that even if the worse did happen , they would be okay . However , the news still twisted his somewhat large stomach into a golf ball . He looked down at the speedometer and saw that they were now moving at close to forty miles an hour . He didn 't know if it was because they were getting further away from town or if everyone now had more incentive to move quickly . He didn 't care what the reason was . He was just happy to be moving . At 7 : 45 , the radio went silent . Joe punched all of the preset buttons but was not able to find a local station . He turned the dial by hand and found a distant station a state away . They reported that in the last five minutes , five cities in the central time zone had been attacked . Three of them , Chicago , St . Louis , and Dallas , had been major commerce centers , but two , including Joe 's town , had been medium size . Joe looked south and saw a mushroom cloud forming over what he guessed was downtown . He didn 't know why the terrorists would hit his town except to make sure that everyone felt threatened . The radio said that the bomb that hit Joe 's town had been a dirty bomb , but he wasn 't sure if that was right . Would a dirty bomb make a mushroom cloud and knock out all of the local radio stations ? He wasn 't sure . Everyone in the truck was grimly quiet as thoughts of what could have happened if they had not bugged out ran through their minds . At 8 : 12 they were at the junction with SH 983 . Joe made the right turn along with several other cars . Even though this was just a two - lane highway , it was moving much better than either of the multilane roads he had been on . As he sped toward his destination , relieved that he was making good time , something nagged at the back of his mind . If it wasn 't just a dirty bomb that hit his city , where would the fallout go ? The wind usually blew from the south here and he was heading north . Would they be safe at his in - laws ' ? How much fallout would a backpack nuke produce ? These were questions that he didn 't have the answer to . He hoped that someone would . At 8 : 50 the news reported that two cities in the Mountain Time zone had been bombed . Dirty bombs hit both Denver and Phoenix . Panic and chaos were engulfing those cities . A few minutes later a report came over the air that a dirty bomb had been found and defused in Sacramento . Evidently , panic had also beset the west coast and the Freeways in the cities along the Pacific coast were grid locked . Joe slammed on his brakes as the traffic in front of him came to an abrupt stop . He wondered what could be wrong . They had been moving along so well . Traffic started creeping forward and Joe noticed that more cars were coming the opposite direction . He finally crested the top of a hill and could see the problem . In the bottom of the draw between this hill and the next was a small creek . Over that creek was a bridge , barely wide enough for two cars . A tractor - trailer had been heading south over the bridge at the same time a big motor home was crossing it to the north . Somehow , they had collided . Both vehicles were wedged in a fashion where Joe thought that the guardrails on the bridge might have to be removed in order to untangle the mess . Even if they could be removed without disassembling the bridge , it would take a couple of those monster wreckers to do it . It looked like the occupants of both vehicles had abandoned their now worthless rigs . Joe figured that they caught a ride with someone . There was a wide spot in the road just in front of the bridge and everyone was turning around as they reached it . Joe did not want to turn around and backtrack . He was already much later than he had expected . He also imagined that the interstate would resemble a parking lot by now . As he slowly crept toward the turn around , he pulled out the map . Melissa had been right in that there was no other way to the farm unless he wanted to drive quite a distance . He had the fuel to do it , but then there would be little left for the generator when they got to his in - laws ' . There had to be another way . He looked both ways . There were fields on both sides of the road with only barbed wire fences to keep him from crossing them . He wondered if he could find a place to cross the creek and come back to the road on the other side . If he could , traffic would not be a problem . He could really make some time . He pulled the truck over onto the narrow shoulder . Joe walked across the ditch to the fence . It was old and rusty . He found a place where the wires were loose and he pushed them down and carefully stepped over . The ground gently sloped down to the creek and he was only mildly winded when he reached the water . He walked along the edge noticing that the water was several feet deep in some places and only a few inches in other . About two hundred yards from the bridge , he found a spot that looked promising . There were no large rocks and the water was only six inches or so deep as it ran over a sandy spot that was only seven or eight feet wide . He hated to get his feet wet , but he had to make sure that the bottom was solid enough . He quickly waded across and was thankful that his boots seemed to be mostly waterproof . The bottom was pretty solid and the truck should have no problem crossing here . The bank on this side was a little steeper , but his mighty four by four would have no trouble making it back to the fence . He walked it , just to be sure , and found a route to the fence that would be within the truck 's capabilities . He walked back to the truck and pulled his toolbox from behind the back seat . He extracted a large pair of linesman 's pliers and walked back to the loose spot on the fence . The four rusty strands of wire popped easily with the bite of the pliers . Joe walked back to the truck , threw the pliers into the seat next to him , and climbed into the driver 's seat . He fully twisted the knob on the dash that activated the transfer case , putting the truck into 4x4 low range . He dropped the truck into gear and easily drove across the ditch and slipped through the hole in the fence . He was almost gleeful at his genius . He would now have an uncrowded road to his in - laws ' where he could drive at a normal pace . With any luck , they would be there in a little over an hour . As he approached the creek , wondering what the dolts in the two wheel drive vehicles sitting on the road and watching were thinking about his brilliant plan , he made sure he was lined up on the spot he had tested . Joe knew what the owners of the four wheel drive vehicles were thinking . They were watching to see if he made it . If so they would follow him . But he put that out of his mind . He was lined up on his spot . The truck lunged forward and the front tires plowed through the water with ease , sending a blinding spray up and across Joe 's windshield . When they hit the ledge of the bank on the other side , the front of the truck bounced up as if it were doing a wheelie . This surprised Joe , and coupled with the fact that he could not see , he lifted his nine and a half doublewide foot off of the gas pedal . He felt the front of the truck began to fall back toward the earth and he breathed a sigh of relief . It quickly turned into a moan of agony as he felt the back of the truck sink . He stabbed at the throttle , but it was too late . His forward momentum had stalled and the tires only spun , digging him deeper into the creek . He let off the gas and opened his door . Looking at the rear tire , he saw a gray goop covering the half that was not sunk . He stepped out , and his foot sunk into the goo . It seemed solid when I walked over it , he thought . Joe looked back into the cab of the truck at Linda . She said nothing , but her eyes could have bored a hole through the walls of Ft . Knox . He shrugged his shoulders . He looked under the truck and his heart sunk almost as much as the rear axle was . The truck would not come out easily he knew . He looked back toward the road and saw all the vehicles making an orderly turnaround . " Everyone , out ! " he commanded . " Linda , you and Melissa go see if you can find some big branches to put under the tires . " He held his hands up in an eight inch circle to show them what he wanted . " Andy , help me get the jack and let 's see if we can get these tires up so that we can put the limbs under them . " Linda and her daughter walked away from the road toward a clump of trees . When Linda was out of earshot of her husband , she began to complain about the situation they were in . " If we had just stayed home , we probably would have been alright , " she said to Melissa . " Now , we 're stuck , literally , in the middle of nowhere ! " They looked around and finally found a couple of branches that looked like they might work . The two exasperated females dragged them back toward the truck . Linda was surprised when she got back . Both Andy and Joe were covered almost head to toe in the mud . Joe looked at her sheepishly . " It seems solid on top , but once you break through the top layer , it 's just soup underneath . We can 't find a solid spot to put the jack . I don 't see any way to get it out . " " We have backpacks , food , and camping stuff . We load as much stuff as we can into them and take off for your folk 's . It might take a few days , but we can get there . Joe knew she was right . Thirty years of wearing ill - fitting , pointy - toed , and high - heeled shoes had left Linda 's feet where she barely mad it through the mall for half a day . He was carrying an extra twenty pounds around his waist . They would just have to try to get the truck out . He looked up toward the road and noticed that the line of the cars was gone . Only an occasional vehicle was turning around in front of the bridge . Maybe he could find someone who could pull them out . Joe stuck his . 45 into the back of his jeans and walked up to the road . Every once in a while , a car or pick - up would come up to the bridge and turn around . Joe knew they needed a really big four by four to have a chance at pulling his truck out . Finally , an older Jeep came up the road . It was lifted and had huge tires on it . As it slowed in front of the barricaded bridge , Joe could see that it held four men . Joe would have been more comfortable if it had held a family , but he was desperate . He checked to make sure his pistol was in place and hidden , then he stood up and waved at the Jeep . As it slowed , Joe could see that it was loaded with farm boys . He had always heard how helpful country folks were . He hoped the reports were right . " Hey man , watcha doin ' out here ? " the man in the front passenger 's seat ask . The four young men looked at the floundered truck , then at each other and smiled . The driver looked back at Joe and flashed a big set of white teeth . " Sure , Mister , we 'll help you . " " Oh , thank you so much . I can 't tell you how much I appreciate this . " Joe relaxed a little . His only knowledge of country folk came from movies and books . Some of them depicted them all as toothless , mean , uneducated rednecks . He was glad that they weren 't right . " There 's a hole in the fence over here . Just follow me . " Joe began to walk toward the opening he had cut in the fence . He heard the gears grind in the old CJ 's transmission and a few mumbled curses from the driver . He turned to look and saw that the Jeep was now lurching backward . Joe wondered what was wrong with the vehicle . Probably something wrong with the reverse gear , he figured . The Jeep stopped and then pulled forward a little more smoothly and followed Joe through the fence . Linda saw Joe and the Jeep behind him . Thank goodness , she thought . As they got closer , she got a little nervous about the truckload of young men . " Andy , grab your sister and take her over there away from the truck . " " You couldn 't you find anyone to help but a bunch of rednecks ? " she asked in a whisper . Joe glared at her in his best ' shut - up ' look . " You 're overreacting . " " Yeah , you sure are lucky , " one of the men from the back seat said . " You sure got a lot of stuff in there . Where were you goin ' ? " The other back seater was looking in Andy and Melissa 's direction . " You coulda been here along time if we hadn 't come along , " he said . " And with your family and all . Lots of wolves in these parts . " The man 's smile suddenly looked sinister to Joe and he wondered if he had made a mistake . The driver turned back to Joe . " I think what we need to do is hook a chain onto your trailer hitch . I 'll turn the Jeep around and we 'll see if we can pull her out this way . I don 't want to take the chance of crossing the creek and both of us getting stuck . " Joe relaxed again . The guys were really going to help them . He began to thank the man again when he noticed that the man was backing away from him . Joe thought it strange and looked at the man 's three accomplices just in time to see an AK - 47 with an under folding stock come out of the small space behind the back seat of the Jeep . Joe tried to scream at Linda , but the words stuck in his throat . He reached under his shirt for his pistol and noticed that the driver was doing the same . Joe 's right hand came up with the pistol and he swung it toward the driver since he was the nearest threat . Joe grabbed Linda and started to pull her back with his free hand just as he heard the first bullet from the AK zing by his head . He fired his weapon , but didn 't think that he had hit his target . The sound of vociferous gunfire thundered into one long deafening boom . Bullets were screaming past Joe as he desperately and vainly tried to squeeze the trigger on his expensive pistol as the sights were lined up on the driver 's center of mass at the same time he was pulling his wife and his self back toward the kids . Linda tripped and fell back onto Joe as he heard a sickening smack . The two of them ended up in a pile on the ground . Joe pulled his legs out from under his wife , got to his knees , and reached out to help her up . He was still trying to shoot the driver . His sights settled and held on the target now that he was momentarily stationary . The trigger broke and he saw the driver double over . He pulled on Linda but she was not trying to get up . He looked down and saw that part of her head was gone . If the adrenaline had not been pumping through his veins , he probably would have retched . He struggled to his feet and turned his attention toward the other three scumbags . He could see that the rifles they were holding were all the same . They held them in front of them and wildly sprayed bullets in his direction . He had to keep moving and get to the kids . Andy saw his father stand and continue on without his mother . How could he ? If he wouldn 't save her , Andy would . He stood and continued to fire his rifle as he moved forward . The slide on Joe 's . 45 locked back after he fired the last round in the gun . Joe realized that he didn 't have a spare magazine . He would have mentally kicked himself , but he didn 't have time . He turned to run back to the kids . As he did , he saw Andy advancing on the three shooters . " No , Andy ! " he screamed as he reached out and grabbed his son by his shoulder . " She 's gone ! " Andy turned and looked at Joe . Joe could see that his son 's eyes burned with a look that Joe had never seen before . He briefly wondered if his children would ever be able to get over the sight of their mother being killed . Suddenly , the look in Andy 's eyes turned blank . He crumpled . Joe looked with disbelief at his son and saw his mouth barely moving . Joe saw the wound and knew that Andy was dying . He gripped the rifle and fired and few quick shots back at the hell - spawn . He ran to Melissa . She didn 't have a gun and Joe didn 't know how many rounds the black rifle that Andy had given him had left . " Run ! " Joe implored his daughter who was looking back and forth from her mother to her brother and back . Joe grabbed her , twisted her into the direction he wanted her to go , and pushed her . She began to run and he did his best to keep up with her , turning and firing a shot behind him every few steps . They crossed the creek and continued to run . His mind raced . They had nothing . How would they survive ? He realized that the firing behind him was slowing . At least we are alive , he thought . They could probably make it to Linda 's parents . It would be hard with no food , water , or shelter , but they could do it . How far had they run ? It seemed like miles to Joe . He looked back and was amazed that they were only about a hundred yards from the truck . Two of the men had quit firing and were bending over their leader . At least one of them paid , Joe thought . He turned back toward his daughter and saw that she was fifteen or twenty yards in front of him . He didn 't know how much further he could run . His breath was short and his side hurt . He tried to call Melissa , but he didn 't have enough wind to clearly verbalize her name . Suddenly the pain in his side traveled to his chest and intensified exponentially . He grabbed at his heart and fell on his back . He couldn 't catch his breath and it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest . All he could see was the clear blue sky and the blazing sun . Not a cloud could be seen . Suddenly , Melissa appeared over him . Her eyes were bloodshot and her face looked as if she were old . She kneeled over him , sobbing . Joe tried to tell her to leave him , but either she couldn 't hear him or he couldn 't get the words out . She continued to hug him and he could feel the convulsion of her body against his . Finally , she must have heard him . He felt her take the rifle from his hands . He was happy that he had been able to get through to her , as he knew his time left was measured in minutes . He looked up and terror ripped through him as he saw that it was one of the gang bangers that had Andy 's rifle . He saw two dirty pairs of hands reach down and tear Melissa away from him . He had to save her , but he couldn 't move . The demon with the rifle looked down at him and smiled . As his vision narrowed to a thin tunnel of light , the last thing he heard was his daughter screaming . Great . Just great . Now I have another work - in - progress novel to spend my time reading and waiting around for the next chapter . My wife is going to again . I need this like I need . . . I hate it when the bad guys WIN ! We get enough of that in real life without having to be subjected to it in the fiction we read for entertainment . It 's OK to put the good guy down , even knock him out but to kill off his whole family . . . That 's just wrong man ! That 's just wrong . More , more , more , . . . Man you should do this for a living , I hate reading , but your stories grab me from the first sentence . I guess I 'll have to go and re - read Lights Out . Great short story . The family didn 't stay prepared , took way too long to get mobilized and had to do way too much before they hit the road . Shopping for food , getting gas , looking for stuff instead of just loading the vehicles and hitting the road . When bugging out you need to be ahead of the wave or you get hurt . This seems to be a lesson in consequences . I think we all learned a lesson from this one . Have a reload ! That or keep a trunk rifle so you 've got more than 7 rounds on tap . It 's a bit open ended . . . He might be dead in which case we know why it 's a short story , or Joe could wake up and go get his daughter and stuff back . I have a feeling it is the former . IIRC Halffast let 's the characters personalities take over the writing and in this case you had a survivalist type who went through the motions but didn 't check up on things . He had an apathetic wife who only humored his occassional survivalist traits and two teenagers who could have cared less . They didn 't live because they weren 't prepared to live . BTW , have you noticed how many 4WD vehicles don 't have a winch ? 4WD gets you into trouble , a winch will get you out . Wow . Pretty depressing . I told my wife the basics of the story , and read her the end . Makes me thankfull though that I am far enough away from major cities to not worry , and in the opposite direction of fallout as well . I . G . B . Forum software by XenForo ™ © 2010 - 2017 XenForo Ltd . Forum Content © 2002 - 2016 Firearms Forum , Inc . All Rights ReservedSome XenForo functionality crafted by ThemeHouse . Although The High Road has attempted to provide accurate information on the forum , The High Road assumes no responsibility for the accuracy of the information . All information is provided " as is " with all faults without warranty of any kind , either express or implied . 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Select Page I 'm Liz , I 'm seventeen . Okay , this is about a time a friend of mine really needed to pee . I was about 13 , and he was 12 . We were hanging out outside our house ( he lived on the third floor , I lived on the 1st ) and he said he really needed to pee . I told him that he should go inside and go , but he had already gone inside for so many things that his mom told him if he came in one more time he 'd have to stay in all night . So he decided to hold it . About an hour later he was starting to get desperate . I told him to go in my house to go , but he was stubborn and said he could hold it . We kept playing for about another hour or so , he was grabbing himself every now and then , but he still wouldn 't go inside . Then we decided to climb the tree in our yard and hang out up there like we always did . I went up first and then he followed me . All of a sudden he moaned and clutched himself . He said that he REALLY needed to go and couldn 't hold it any longer . I suggested for the millionth time that day that he go into my house , but he said he 'd never make it . He was so desperate to go that he couldn 't even climb down from the tree . So he unzipped his pants , whipped his dick out and pissed from where he was sitting in the tree . He kept pissing for over two minutes . When he was finally done I laughed at him and said that maybe next time he 'd take my advice and use the bathroom . This happened after I went to see my brother 's football game ! We were on our way home when my cousins mom thought she had lost her car keys so we went back to the football field to try to look for them ! We were like the only ones there because everybody had left and we were looking for them and I let a little bit of pee out to get the pressure off my bladder and then someone turned on the lights for us so then I zip back up and then someone said they found a set of keys but it wasn 't the right set ! So we try to look for them one more time so we do and the lights were off but we had a flashlight and my dad , and our friend Jeff tried looking somewhere else and my cousin 's mom went to wait by the car and I went around to the side of a building and undid my pants and pulled out my lizard and started to pee like a waterfall for like 30 seconds and then zipped back up and we left after they tried to find them ! Just wanted to give a shout out to Fat Chick and Fat Woman - - - I really dig your stories . I 've been happily married to my wife Francine for over 20 years , she is 44 and a large woman as well . I 'm not sure how much she weighs right now , but she is definitely over 300 pounds . We own a business and work from home so I have ample opportunity during the day to witness my wife on the toilet . Our kids are living on their own now so she goes with the door open . She is totally uninhibited about it . I have never told her that it 's a turn on for me , I just can 't do that . I think it would freak her out and humiliate her so I keep quiet . She obviously does not share my interest actually really hates the trouble involved in taking a dump . I know that Fat Woman has mentioned in the past that because of her weight she usually has an ordeal on the toilet . I 'm not sure still whether this is true for Francine as she has never mentioned it . But it does take her a long time and she is not shy about grunting or anything . She tends to make an event of it , especially on the weekends when we relax . We always go out for Sunday breakfast and usually in the afternoon Francine will take the Sunday paper in the bathroom with her while I am on the family room couch watching TV . The bathroom is right off the living room so I can see and hear everything . Yesterday I decided to time her . As soon as she sat down on the toilet I looked at my watch and it was 3 : 15 . She flushed the toilet at 4 : 46 . So an hour and 31 minutes ! That may be a record but I can 't be sure as I have never timed her before but I think I will start and report to everyone on this forum when I can . She wasn 't continually going that whole time though . She stopped to read alot and just sat there in between pushing . But when she strained it was pretty intense . She tends to keep her head lowered as she reads and since she is not looking at me I can watch her without her knowing . Yesterday her face got all red as she sat there silently straining umtil finally she let it all out in a loud grunt . Sometimes she lowered the paper on her lap and closed her eyes as she lifted her head . Her face was contorted as she pushed and her fat belly shook as she let more grunts out . I didn 't hear any plops until maybe the last 10 minutes or so so she worked hard for a very long time to get it out . And I never see anything because her ass is so big it covers up the whole seat . When she came out afterwards her legs were all shaky she told me from sitting so long and straining so hard . It 's really hard for me to hide my excitement when she tells me details like this but I have to . We had our annual company picnic this weekend . They let us bring anybody we wanted , so besides my wife and teen - aged son and daughter , we brought my mother , my father - in - law ( both widowed ) my brother - in - law , and our next door neighbors . Most everybody else brought extra people , as it was ' jammin " but it was a great time . Plenty of food , soda , and beer . Of course . . . . what goes in , must come out . . . . so there was a constant flow to and from the restrooms all day and all night . Thank goodness we were in a grove which had restrooms very nearby . The building was pretty large , and once inside the ' MENS / BOYS " half , there were plenty of urinals for the beer drinkers ( I 'm guessing about 20 urinals ) and in the rear of the room were 16 toilet bowls ( 8 on each side of the room ) But they had no partitions between them , and of course , no doors either . The rolls of toilet tissue were mounted on the wall between the toilets , which meant there were 7 rolls for 8 toilets on each side of the room , and directly accross was the same set - up . So we found ourselves with ' nowhere to look " without watching the shit drop from the guys accross the way . . It seemed a bit unfomfortable at first for some guys , but once the senior partners came in to shit , and started laughing about the ' latrine setup " everybody relaxed , laughed , farted , shit , wiped our asses , and continued to have a great day . I myself shit 3 times from over - eating . The toilet paper was restocked all day , and the floors were mopped thouughout the day . Considering there were hundreds of men shitting huge loads all day , the room didn 't smell too bad . Kudoes to the maintenence staff , on what could have been an impossible task . Later , out of curiosity , I asked my wife about the " LADIES / GIRLS " restroom . She said there were about 20 stalls , 10 on each side , just like the " MEN / BOYS " , except that each stall was enclosed in a almost floor to ceiling cinder block cubicle , and metal locking doors on each stall with very little if any space to see inside the stall when the door was shutlesser god I 'm a 19 year old male who has never peed outside before . I 'm wondering if I 'm the only one or if there are any others . I 'm not shy or anything but I just refuse to pee outside . To Sam : One of the bathrooms in a classroom building at my college has 3 doorless toilet stalls . I oftentimes use it to pee or poop ( I don 't mind the lack of privacy ) . I rember one time walking in when I had to shit real bad and seeing a guy , like you , crouched over a toilet with his feet on the toilet seat . I couldn 't believe my eyes and stopped and looked at him for a second . He was just letting go with a load and I could hear it 's loud plop and splash into the water . He kind of smiled at me in an embarrassed way . I sat down in the stall next to him and proceeded to start my dump . I heard him wiping himself and then flush the toilet . He walked by my stall to go to the sink to wash his hands . He stopped for a second to say " Hey . " I told him that he had a creative way to take a shit , but asked what he did if he had diarrhea - - wouldn 't it splash all over the place ? He said that if he thought he was going to have a loose shit he would sit on the toilet . He went to wash his hands and then left the bathroom . I 've been a lurker for about a year now and i have something really funny everyone can try . Take an empty shampoo bottle or soap bottle , spread your cheeks wide , and stick it right over your bare asshole then squeeze the air out of the bottle . You should hear a muffled fart . Every time you do this , you instantly get booming farts . And to help you take a dump , fill the bottle with cold water and shoot it into your ass , hold it in , shoot air into it a few times . Then sit down , and all the water will shoot our your ass with a bunch of farts and some easy to pass shit . It fells so good like having a makeshift enema Well , I start work again full time tomorrow . I really enjoyed this Summer vacation , even though I did work multiple jobs . I 've got my first class which I will be teaching tomorrow morning at 8AM . Earth Sciences , in fact , it is always a class that I enjoy teaching ! My 3rd year as a teacher . I love my job ! ! How was everyone 's Labor day weekend ? Mine was pretty quiet . Jake ( my boyfriend ) went to visit family in Wisconsin . He had invited me to come along , but , I politely declined . I wanted to spend the weekend here at home . I wanted to finish my book that I 've been reading ( which I 've finished - great suspense novel ) , get my hair done , get my outfits ready for the week , laundry , some house cleaning , and just enjoy my last days off from work . Even though I 'm the type of girl who loves the outdoors , hiking , running , camping , backpacking , kayaking , swimming , sports , etc . , I just wanted to take the time and do a few " girlie things . " lol . . . I do have a quick story to share . Since it is Labor day , this afternoon I went to my Gym to do a few laps in the pool . As I was swimming , I started to feel some cramping in my guts ( for breakfast , I had a lot of fruit - see , I tend to buy a lot of fruit all at once . . . I really do not know why I purchase so much , but it is something that I do . . . . lol . . . . So , before it starts to go bad , while it is fresh , I need to eat most of it . My breakfast consisted of many pieces of pineapple ( I love pineapple ) , a peach , some toast , peanut butter , Wheaties cereal with a banana sliced into my cereal . I may be a petite woman , but , I do have a large appetite . Anyway , back to my story . As I was swimming , I started to feel my stomach cramping up . The food that I ate for breakfast was banging at my back door . I quickly got out of the pool , dried myself off , placed my sandals on and walked into the women 's locker room . Since it is a holiday today , there were very few women inside . I trotted to the first stall , buns clenched tightly together . Once I arrived , I closed the stall door , pulled down my bottom swim wear and sat down quickly . I immediately farted and had a bad case of the wet poops . Having too much fiber will do this to me . I could feel my insides continuously turning inside and out . For about 5 minutes , I just sat there with horrendous stomach pains , just farting , and periodically peeing . Then withLater during the day as I just finished talking with my boyfriend Jake over the phone , I felt the need to go again . I walked to my small washroom , closed the door , closed the window and shade ( as I can be seen and probably heard by the next home , as the apartments are only 10 feet from each other ) pulled down my jeans and panties to my knees and sat down . I let go of a few a loud , echoing wet farts . I continued to sit , just passing gas every few minutes . Finally , I felt what was coming . I had another round of the squirts ( diarrhea ) . The second time around , it wasn 't as bad as what I had while I was at the Gym , but , I will be honest with you , it really burned my " you know what " as it was coming out . You know that feeling when you eat spicy foods , and how it can burn as it passes through your system ? Well , I did not have any spicy foods recently , but , for some reason , this afternoon 's bowel movement did burn as it came out of me . Anyway , that was that . . . I wiped my front again , wiped my backside multiple times and used a sanitary wipe to " feel fresh " back there . Since I took my evening shower , I 've been extremely gassy tonight . I 'm not too sure what it is . I suppose it is nerves ( teaching all new students tomorrow ) . Hopefully , I don 't get another attack of the runs again . I 've got a softball game that I will be attending to tomorrow evening and with classes resuming , having diarrhea is something that I don 't want ! Well all , I am pretty tired . It 's time for me to turn in ! I wanted to wish you all a great week and I hope everyone had a great labor day weekend ! Jale : When it comes to having to take a poop , I 've been caught close in those situations . The type of job that I have , when the time comes to do your deed , you can not just stop and go . You 've got to wait until the class is over � however , there have been times when I have had to leave class to relieve myself . . You 're walking / trotting so fast down the hall , holding it in hoping that you will make it in time � lol Well , this is it ! My last official weekend off before work starts up again . Even though , I taught Summer courses , I am going to miss my Summer vacation - one of the reasons I decided to become a teacher : - ) This morning ( Friday ) , I went to the Gym around 6 : 30 and had a great cardio workout . After showering this morning , I got dressed and met my friend Anne for breakfast at 8 : 30 for at a fancy Hotel which is conveniently located next door to my Gym . I met Anne in the parking lot , and we walked into the restaurant . I was absolutely starving . Since it was a buffet , I helped myself to some granola cereal , a bran muffin , fruit , and a few cups of coffee . We ate , talked about our boyfriends , running , books , laughing a lot ( primarily a girl 's day out type of breakfast ) . I was in no rush that morning , but during our conversation , I could feel the cardio workout , the bran muffin and the coffee starting to kick in . We talked for nearly half an hour when Anne stated that she " needed to get back to work . " I was starting to struggle as my stomach started to make noise and having to clench my buns so I would not fart and create a big stink . It was time for me to use the washroom and quickly . I was pulling out my purse to pay for our breakfast , but Anne decided to pay as her company would pay it off as a " business expense . " Lol � I didn 't argue with that . After we received the check and she paid , I gave her a big hug thanking her for inviting me to breakfast . We decided to do this again . She is a great person and a great friend . We left the table and went our separate ways . In the restaurant , I walked around to find I hope all is doing well ! ~ Laura Here 's a story from my childhood . As this was over 60 years ago , the conversation is as best I can remember . At about 4 years old , I had never seen a girl or woman pee or even seen what a girl had between her legs . I had once seen a visiting infant girl getting her diaper changed when I was 2 , but didn 't think much of it at the time . My sister had not yet been born . We lived in a three story walk - up apartment building , with my family on the second floor and my Aunt Alice , my mother 's much older sister , right above us on the third , so I spent much time visiting her . Like my father , and unlike my mother , she didn 't close the bathroom door when using it as long as only family was around . I had seen her on the toilet several times and heard her piss and plop , but always covered by her dress or skirt , so I never saw anything . One day my aunt took me downtown for shopping and lunch at a department store . After lunch , she took me into the women 's bathroom because she needed to " wee - wee " and so did I . There were long lines of women waiting for a stall and it took about 5 minutes before we got into one . The stall was roomy , with the toilet mounted parallel to the door instead of facing it . At my young age , the women obviously didn 't mind that a boy was in the ladies room . Once in , my aunt turned her back to the toilet , reached under her dress to pull down her underpants , then lifted her dress and bunched it around her waist . This was the first time I had ever seen a woman 's slit . She saw me looking curiously at it and explained that girls had a different kind of " pee - pee " than boys did . Then she sat down with her legs apart . Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a torrent of piss suddenly started pouring out of her crack with a loud hissing sound and splattering noisily into the water in the toilet bowl . I watched her pee flow with the intense curiosity of a kid seeing something new for the first time . When she finally stopped , she reached for some toilet paper and wiped her muff . She explained that women have a lotOn another occasion a few months later , I was out driving with my aunt . She said she needed to wee - wee badly , so we stopped at a rather decrepit gas station . She admitted that it didn 't look very clean , but there was nothing else around and she said she really had to go and couldn 't wait . Once again , she took me into the women 's bathroom . The two stalls had no doors on them and the place really wasn 't very clean . It didn 't smell very good either , with the distinct odor of stale urine . There were no lines here , so we got into a stall right away . She took one look at the seat and raised it . " That 's too dirty to sit on " , she said . Then , after pulling down her underpants and bunching up her dress , she bent over the bowl , spread her legs , and squatted about half - way down . Again a slight hesitation followed by her urine exploding out of her twat , hissing , spraying , and splattering . My aunt was a very loud pisser . " Whew " , she exclaimed , obviously relieved to be urinating . She commented that boys were luckey that they didn 't have to learn to squat over dirty toilets since they could wee - wee standing up . When she was finished , she wiped and reclothed herself . She asked if I needed to wee - wee and I said no . Just before we left the stall , another woman had come in and went into the other stall . As we went to the sinks so Aunt Alice could wash her hands , I saw the other woman squatting over the bowl , with the seat down , her piss pouring out from between her legs and soaking her really hairy muff . She sprayed a lot and got some of her piss on the seat . She looked at me watching her take a leak and then said to my aunt , " Ma ' am , would you please tell your son not to watch me " . My aunt told me not to stare at people , it wasn 't polite . She didn 't specifically mention anything about the fact that the woman was going to the toilet . I got quite an early education about female anatomy and toilet functions from my Aunt Alice . Even as I got older , she had no qualms about family members seeing her piss . I skipped my morning pee today which caused more problems than anticipated . I woke up for work a bit late , and had to just throw on some clothes and go , so i just didnt have time . I usually have great bladder control , so once i got into the swing of things i kind of just forgot about going to the bathroom . However , around 11am when i was stocking some stuff in the back i squatted down to grab a box and dribbled in my panties . I was able to stop immediately but it was a big surprise . After that i figured it was time to go to the bathroom . When i pulled down my pants and panties to survey the damage i was shocked - the entire crotch of my undies was stained and it had soaked through to my jeans a bit . I didn 't think i had let that much out , but in retrospect i guess i released more of a full stream than a dribble when i was squatting . This is the closest thing i 've had to an accident in my adult life . just the periodic leak in my undies when i 've put off going to the bathroom too long . i have had a few pooping accidents though , all through high school and college . This is a story from when I was young . I was about I guess 9 or 10 , I don 't recall exactly my age . Anyway , me and some friends decided to head on down to the river near my house . My mom was pretty relaxed about things like this , as I didn 't hang out with questionable friends , so she really didn 't care , as long as I was home by dinner . So , early on Friday afternoon we headed out to the river . I had a canoe that had only a small leak , and we would take out on the river . It sank when I was 14 , and I remember I almost cried over the loss of it . I called it the " Amelia " as Amelia Earhart was my childhood hero . On this particular day , me and my small group of friends were headed out for a canoe float down the river , and on some days , we would be borrow my father 's trolling motor and fit it to the canoe and motor upstream . OK , enough with the reminiscing on to the story . It just makes me talk thinking about the " good old days " We headed out in the canoe , I remember we got all four of us into the canoe , which was way overloaded , and that is part of the reason it sank about four years later . We had brought bottled water and a picnic lunch with us , and we floated a couple miles downstream to a spot we called " Crocodile Cove " this was a pretty neat little spot , with a great deep fishing hole , and it also made it good for swimming , and since no one else was around , we would simply strip our clothes and swim with nothing but an old pair of panties on , but of course our clothes were always kept close by , in case that lone boater or fisher came down the river , but we seldom ever had that problem . We swam for about a half hour and ate , and then had a great time swimming some more . After swimming , I had to pee , and so did the other girls . So , we came up with an idea . We all sat on the river bank and hung our butts over the water and started peeing . By this time we had our clothes back on , my friends had jeans and shorts on , but I had worn a skirt as always , as I liked peeing discreetly , and with a skirt I found I could pee in a lScary how I remember all those little details , isn 't it . I remember things like that when they have something to do with me or someone else peeing or pooping . Here 's one more example before I have to go : I was in college , and me and a friend planned a big float trip for our summer . She was one of my old best friends from when I was young , and was one of the girls present on that memorable trip mentioned above . Anyway , when we finished college for the year , we set out on our trip . I owned a canoe at the time I had bought secondhand when I was in high school shortly after my original canoe sank . We floated for a couple hours , and my friend , ( We 'll call her Tina ) said " Jess , I have to pee really bad " So I suggested that she just go over the side . So , she undid her shorts , and hung her cute butt over the side of the canoe , and peed madly for awhile , and then it trickled off and stopped . As we headed on , I had to pee , so I told Tina to steer the canoe for a minute . I lifted my skirt and hung over the side . Right as I was about to pee , she gave me a shove and I fell into the water , and I was so surprised I just started peeing . She was laughing hysterically , with me telling her it wasn 't funny as I formed a small yellow cloud around me . She just started laughing some more and pulled out her camera and took a picture of it . I still have the picture hanging in my room ! I finally got back in the canoe , and had to change my skirt as quite a bit of pee had gotten on it . Good thing I had brought several extras . My panties were also ruined , but I had also brought spares . Now , we laugh about it , but it wasn 't all that funny to me at the time . I had also brought several diapers , because at that time , I would wear them on camping trips so I didn 't have to get up to pee , as it was a whole lot warmer in my sleeping bag . That night , I stayed awake planning my revenge . Then I heard Tina get up , and walk over to the river to pee , as we had camped quite close to the water . I noiselessly climbed out of my sleeping bag and snuck over . She was facing the water , and I got up behind and shoved hard . She fell headfirst into the water , her pee shooting out like a geyser and covering her back and neck . I literally and honestly fell over laughiHappy pooping and peeing ! There was a mess in the bathroom at the state fair . I went into the handicapped stall like I always do , although I 'm not handicapped . There was a lot of pee in the floor . Apparently a woman hovered and completely missed the toilet . I took all of the toilet seat covers and dropped them on the floor to soak up the pee . I didn 't want to step on the pee and have it soak into my socks or pants . I then pulled up my pants befoe I sat down to pee . I didn 't want my pants touching the pee on the floor . i was at my school the other day and after 3 hours of classes i was dying for a pee . i went to go to the washroom and when i went into the stall i noticed a small dispenser on the wall of the stall . i then realized what it was for after reading the instructions . it was a spray to clean the toilet seat with ! you just take some toilet paper , spray some of the cleaner stuff on it and wipe off the seat . i think this is very useful and saves a lot of toilets from getting blocked up from all the toilet paper used to cover the seats ! I first met Travis in social studies when we had to do a project with a partner . Travis and I both had no one so we ended up a pair . He seemed really nice and asked if we could meet at the library to work on the project . I said ok so we ended up meeting at the library at about 4 : 30 . We started working immediately and took no breaks . I noticed that Travis 's concentration began to waver after about an hour . He seemed fidgety and distracted . I asked him if he was ok , and he said he was fine . Pretty soon I started noticing him crossing his legs , but I didn 't really think anything of it so we kept on working . After about another hour and a half Travis seemed upset and desperate . He took me aside and explained that he needed to use the restroom . Since the library 's male restroom was out of order , we would have to walk to the bathroom in the closest building on campus , he also explained that he didn 't think he could make it . I didn 't really know what to say ; I had never seen a boy in such desperation but I sort of liked it . I put my hand on his hand and said that it would be ok and that we would find a way to get him to the bathroom ASAP . Even though I now knew , Travis tried to hide his desperation by clutching himself when he thought I wasn 't looking . We packed up and began leaving . It was hard for poor Travis to walk without wetting , so I helped him up and held his hand . His hands were clammy and he was shaking . He let go of my hand to put his hand above his area , and I could tell he was in extreme pain . I tried not to look at his adorable face , but he was crying and he was embarassed . I figured I 'd save him the embarassment , poor Travis was already humiliated enough . We were getting closer to the restroom when Travis suddenly stopped and clutched himself . He said " I 'm sorry that you have to see all of this . . . I wasn 't really expecting it to turn out this way " . I looked at him , his cheecks were red and his eyes were teary . We sat down on the steps , and I could see the wetness growing on his jeans . He tried so hard not Mother of Three I have three daughters - - ages 8 , 10 & 12 . The grade school ones ride to school on a parent - pay bus route ; I drive my 6th grader since her school is on the other side of our city . Yesterday , I felt my bowel movement coming on as we got within about a mile of her school so when we got the the building and I pulled into the parking lot , I looked for a place . I explained to Mattie what I was going to do . She seemed appalled that I was going into her school and use the bathroom . She pointed out the BP / Amoco station on the corner and the McDonalds across the street . Anyway , I stuck to my plan and walked with her to the entrance . She said she had to get some help from her Algebra teacher on the other side of the building and " Goodbye - - I love you ! " . The ground floor was just jammed with students so I went up a staircase to the second floor and immediately spotted a restroom . Some girls were using the mirrors and coming their hair but all eight stalls were in use . I got a few looks as being the only adult in there , but I was just concerned about sitting down and taking my crap . A door opened , I went in and within seconds of my putting my butt on the seat , I had filled much of the bowl . It felt awkward sitting on a toilet that was a bit lower than what I normally am accustomed to and I seemed the seat was a little smaller than normal . I looked to the left and couldn 't find the toilet paper roll . I looked the right and found it but , unfortunately , it was all gone . Maybe only one square left . I tapped on the stall partition to my left to get the attention of the occupant because I could see the blue jeans and athletic shoes from my sitting point . I asked to her hand me some toilet paper under the stall and told her I was embarrassed about not having looked first . I recognized her surprised voice instantly : my Mattie ! ! ! She handed me more than enough toilet paper and then had to hurry off to find her Algebra teacher because there was only about 15 minutes left until school started . Moral to the story : crapping will always comeIt has been quite a long time since my last post , but I have regularly visited here and checked all these interesting stories . I have enjoyed especially Laura 's ( teacher ) stories . Well , finally now I have enough time to write about my most memorable toilet experience from past summer . Our family ( me , my hubby and 2 kids ) did traditional holiday trip about two months ago . First two days we had company of my husband 's niece and her fiance . They are nice engaged couple on their early 20 's . They were moving by their own car , but we stopped at same places , had meals at same places and spent 2 first nights at same camp sites . Then our routes separated . They wanted go to one rock festival and meet some of their old friends . In the second evening we ended up in one pleasant - looking camping site . After we settled down I sensed quite full feeling inside my rear . I hadn 't pooped since we left to the trip . As I said that I needed pop in restroom my husband 's niece told that she needed go too . " I just change my bikini first . You can go ahead , I 'll accompany you then " she said . My urge was worse than I thought . As I walked towards restrooms I had troubles to hold it and I had to walk with my butt cheeks tightly clenched . It was typical camping site toilet : tiled floor and walls , one sink in the corner and three stalls . All of them were vacant . I entered in middle stall and bolted the door . I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the seat before I pulled down my shorts and sat . After 10 - 15 seconds delay I started to tinkle . As I was peeing a small fart escaped out of my butt I could feel my ring expanding as wide turd started emerging out . It was thick but fortunately it was fairly soft so I didn 't need to make big efforts to get it moving . When I finished peeing I just put my knees together , leaned forward , elbows on my knees and let it sliding out slowly naturally . Then someone came in and went into the stall on my right . It was my hubby 's niece . There was high gap between the floor and the partition wall and I saw her sandals and her pink polished toe nails . She must recognize me too because she started talking to me instantly . I heard her lift the seat lid and a few seconds later start peeing . After she finished peeing she emitted some quiet farts and I could tell from her voice , she was trying to push . Her voice sounded a bit embarrassed and tense as she told that she needed do number 2 . I gave a laugh and told that I was doing the same . Just then my turd broke off and dropped into water with nice plooomp - sound . We both giggled . Then I noticed that my hubby 's niece went up on her tip toes . I heard a few light splashes followed by one bigger one and then her sigh of relief " uhhhh " . After a short silence we continued talking and pooping . We were having a nice talk while we pooped and listened each others plops and splashes . I ejected three rather large logs meanwhile my hubby 's niece dropped almost constantly a huge amount of smaller sounding pieces . They came out mostly in pairs : plop , plop then was short break or a tiny fart and again plop plop . Strong poop smell filled the toilet . About after 3 - 4 minutes my hubby 's niece was done and she started wiping . I proceeded sitting and managed push out a few more tiny pieces . 11 Do you fart , while pooping ? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don 't . I almost always have pre - poop farts right before , which lets me know that i need to get to the bathroom soon Good morning ; warm here . Yesterday I went to a Home Depot , felt a pressure in my intestines , and went to the restroom . One stall was occupied , next to the one I usually use , so I went in to my usual one and sat . I promptly farted and felt the pressure ease , so it became obvious I was not going to move my bowels just then . Next to me the gentleman dropped a solid plunker , then after a short pause four more that sounded smaller but still hard . When he started wiping , I left . No other soundings or sightings recently . I started keeping a journal about a month ago of things I do around the house and at work , including bowel movements . I find that , during August , I had a total of 55 b . m . 's . Mostly I had two a day , sometimes one , occasionally three . I counted turds as well , coming up with a total of 235 , not counting a couple of instances of diarrhea . With my high water intake , I never have just one solid long piece any more ; usually I have 4 or 5 well - shaped but moderately soft turds . I also estimated the length , measuring ( when I could ) using a sheet of toilet paper that is 4 " on a side ; total length about 870 " , or 72 feet 6 inches of poop ! That 's almost two and a half feet per day . Of course , my poop is not as thick as it used to be ; I used to do pieces about an inch and a half thick at times , but now it is just over an inch to maybe 1 . 25 inches . Nonetheless , a productive month . One warm spring day , having nothing on my schedule , I decided to take the day off and go for a hike in one of the forest preserves in the area . I parked the car and walked over to the posted trail map to see where I wanted to hike . This was a weekday and few cars were there , but as I was looking at the map , a car pulled in and parked . A woman got out and came over to the trail map . She appeared to be middle aged and a little on the plump side . We got to talking about where to hike and she suggested that maybe we should hike together , since we were both alone . I agreed . We decided on a trail and took off . We were both wearing hip packs with water bottles , which we swigged often as we were hiking . About an hour into our hike , Vicki said that we needed to take a break so she could urinate . There were no toilet facilities around , but we came to a clearing and stepped off the path . There were no bushes to provide any privacy ; just trees not very close together . I asked her what she wanted to do about privacy and she said we should face away from each other so I wouldn 't see her pussy and she wouldn 't see my penis . I asked her how she was going to do it , squatting down to the ground , bending over , or standing up . She said bending over . Her knees didn 't do well squatting down and she never tried to urinate standing up , except in the shower . Then she said , " Ok , I 'm going to turn around now and drop my pants before I soak them " . She turned her back to me and , without waiting to see if I had turned around , unsnapped her shorts and pulled them and her underpants down to her ankles . Then she bent her knees a little , and , with her hands on her legs for support , bent sharply forward at the waist . This brought her butt up into the air and exposed her vagina from behind . Her labia were rather short and spread apart in this position . Within seconds , a broad piss stream came out of her crack , not straight down , but shooting somewhat backwards . It swirled around some with some intermittent hissing sounds before hitting the ground and creating a foaming puddle . She kept flowing heavily for close to a minute . Then she began to slow down and , as the pressure reduced , her stream started to fall straight down . I figured I 'd better do my piss , so I turned sideways , took out my dong , and started to pee , all the while keeping my eye on her now dripping pussy . She shook her butt to get the last drops off , then pulled up her pants , stood up , and turned to me . " Oh , my " , she said . " You didn 't turn around all the way and you 're still urinating . I can see it coming out of you 're penis . Aren 't you embarrassed to go to the bathroom in front of a woman ? " . I told her no , I wasn 't . Then she asked , " Did you see my vagina ? Did you watch me urinate ? " . I admitted that I did and asked if she was embarrassed that I saw her doing it . She said she probably would have been if she had known I was watching at the time , but since it was over , she didn 't care . In fact , she laughed about the whole thing . We finished our hike , said good - bye in the parking lot , it had been fun , even if we did see each other pee . We got into our cars and drove off . To Henry : Hopefully you cut your buddy a little slack for enjoying listening to your BM . Take it as a compliment that he thinks highly of you as a person . Seriously , if we don 't care about someone , we really won 't be turned on by ANYTHING they do . You like posting your stories here and he enjoys listening to a good BM . I happen to enjoy BOTH ! Hey , we all have our little oddities and idiosynchracies ! ! Where would * MY * stories be if I didn 't have buddies like Mike and Josh and others who trusted me enough to be right with them when they performed their most sacred duty ? ? I wouldn 't have any stories to tell ! ! Do you REALLY think I 've ever gone up to one of them after one of their amazing dumps and said . . . . . " Hey Josh , you know , that really was a fantastic shit you just took and the sounds were just incredible ! ! Thank you so much for letting me see and listen to it ! " No f ' ing Way ! ! I feel a little bit strange enough just for the fact of enjoying it . I 'm not about to freak them out by telling them just HOW enjoyable it was . And other than that , I 'm pretty much a normal average guy with normal average interests . Let your friend have his moment of enjoyment . After all , it IS just a dump ! No point in making an otherwise average good guy overall feel humiliated or freakish by confronting him . I have my bowel movement most mornings right after the bus drops me off at my high school . It 's usually pretty soft and I only spend about five minutes on the stool . Many times I 'm the first one to use the stool that day , because the seat is up when I come in and I have to put it down . There 's a full roll of toilet paper when I get done and I like that . I do get hurried because there 's usually a line and some of the girls start bitching about having an accident coming , etc . Some of them are just being drama queens , but you never know . However , it 's different around lunchtime and 7th hour when I go in to pee . I don 't know why I have to pee twice each afternoon , but I do . Sometimes there 's a line and some of the girls are even more bitchy . When my turn finally comes , I open the door and there 's some urine left on the seat . I go to grab toilet paper to wipe if off but the tp is all gone . So I just pull down my jeans , drop my thongs and sit and make the best of it . This has happened three times in the past week . One of my friends said she thinks nothing of having to do this , but that it 's too bad that some of the girls are so messy . Another tells me that I should probably do what she does and that 's go to another stall rather than sit directly on the urine . My boyfriend tells me the guys get use to it by middle school and that he learned in Human Physiology class the urine is one of the cleanest fluids in the body . Still , it troubles me some as I sit . Do any of you others have a situation like this at your schools ? Tell me about it . Thanx . Chelcie Hey everybody , it 's Mr . Clogs again , I got a question for you so feel free to aswer , here goes . Does anyone eat while taking a dump or taking a piss in the bathroom ? Sounds weird but I 'm curious to know if anyone does this strange habit . Next page : Old Posts page 1606 >< Previous page : 1608 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
This book is dedicated to two very special people in my life , my children , Josiah and Elizabeth . Thank you for giving a purpose to every day . You were the reason to go on and my will to keep living . Thankyou for your support with this book , I know it was not easy for you to read . I love you both so much and can 't imagine a life without the two of you in it ! This is also dedicated to my very special friend and brother of the heart , David who passed away from cancer in 2012 . There is not a day that goes by that I don 't miss you and wish I could pick up the phone and hear your voice , wisdom and wacky sense of humor . Heaven is a brighter place because of your presence there . Thanks must be given to a few people . First my mom . You have always believed in my ability to write and you 've encouraged me in this pursuit since I was a little girl . You were always there for me , even when you didn 't know what was going on . I love you very much ! Secondly , my Pastor . You were the first to know the whole story . You believed me and didn 't turn me away . You were there with help , encouragement , councel , acceptance and friendship these past 8 years . You never pushed when I was so slow at understanding . Thank you for your admonition to " Write what you know . " I also need to mention 3 very special ladies who have stood by me through the years , Pam , Jessie and Alice . You three have been my lifeline , you have laughed and cried with me over the years . . . and yes , even kept me sane believe it or not ! From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your friendship and love . And lastly , David and Edie . With shock and tears you learned the truth of my life and came alongside with love and encouragement . The help with proof - reading the book , computer " stuff " and just the ever present listening ear can never be repaid . FORWARD - Dr . Paul H . Parks ( Senior Pastor of Chegoggin Baptist Church ) " Life 's journey is seldom a simple thing . We are all by nature sinners in an imperfect world . Sometimes that journey is full of pain and sorrow . We often focus on the destination and not the journey itself . The " miles between " are so vital and the things we learn through those miles can be a help to others . Pain , difficulty and problems are universal , so I feel that this book can speak to a wide circle of people . Please do not judge to harshly either her , her husband or her precious family , they are sinners who are struggling as we all are . Each is a precious soul with their own journey and story , their own pain and struggles . Her purpose is not to malign , or to lash out but to give perspective and solace . We learn from the lives of others and we heal by the help we render . Second Corinthians 1 : 3 - 4 , " Blessed be God , even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ , the Father of mercies , and the God of all comfort ; who comforteth us in all our tribulation , that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble , by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God . " This volume is part of her healing . Writing things out gives her a focus , and an opportunity to deal with things and examine them from another perspective . She is an engaging author , the writing is simple , witty , and compelling and heart felt , filled with humor , sorrow and empathy . This book will be able to be placed in the hands of Pastors and leaders that seek to understand something that seems so alien from them ( Proverbs 20 : 5 ) . It will be able to be placed in the hands of those who may be living lives of quiet desperation in similar circumstances . It will be able to be placed in the hands of the Christian who may be encouraged and directed in compassion and grace . It may be placed in the hands of the lost soul seeking Christ . I am trying to do " Gary " ( named changed ) good and not evil for my remaining days on earth . I don 't want where once fear lived to be filled with bitterness and anger . To be honest there are days when this is extremely difficult for me , but I press on . Gary suffers from bi - polar . There are many symptoms associated with this but the ones he displayed most were , depression , agitation , irritability , anxiety , panic attacks , insomnia , aggressiveness , unable to concentrate , impulsiveness , unpredictable mood swings , anger , inappropriate sexual activity , delusions and hallucinations . He is also schizophrenic and developed psychotic depressions where he would lose contact with reality and he subsequently developed major problems working or being able to function socially . On top of all this he also developed Parkinsons ! A normal homelife and relationships became difficult if not impossible . Over the course of 22 years he also suffered 5 major breakdowns . As you progress through my story you might find yourself as confused as I am at times wondering what was illness induced behavior and what wasn 't . I tried for years to understand this and it drove me to the point of desperation . I honestly can 't tell you and I try not to pick it apart anymore . What happened just happened and it can 't be changed and trying to figure it out is impossible , so I ask you not to get bogged down with it . There are two groups of people I wish to address . First , if you 're being abused it is imperative that you find someone you can TRUST and that you TALK to them ! You will have feelings that they don 't care at times , but realize that you are projecting your perceived worthlessness as coming from them ! Realize also that you are stronger than you think you are , you have survived to this point and there IS hope ! Don 't rush the healing process . It might take a long time to deal with certain issues and that 's ok . I 'm still struggling with things from the past . Even with writing this preface I realize that I 'm still very angry about the past , I still have things I need to figure out and deal with ; its not a " snap the finger " fix . The second group I with to say something to are the ones who will be approached by a hurting soul . Not everyone approached is a pastor or someone trained to deal with abuse , so here are a couple of things to keep in mind . First of all encourage them to seek help from a professional . Most likely though , they will want to talk with you , someone they know and trust first . Don 't trivialize their experiences , feelings and fears . These are traumatic events that will have a lifelong impact on them , your response will determine the amount of trust they will place in you . It took a tremendous amount of courage for them to break the silence and come to you ! Let them set the pace for sharing , everyone deals with things in different ways and speeds . It takes a long time to deal with certain issues and you might find yourself becoming frustrated with them . Be patient and just be there . They need to know that they can tell you anything without fear of judgement . I need to state here that I am not a professional trained in dealing with abuse , I am a survivior and am just telling things from that side of the coin . My actions would have been different in the past knowing what I do now . During those years I didn 't have the 20 / 20 vision that hindsight has afforded me today . It 's a scary thing to open up and share your deepest secrets and worst nightmare 's , the fear of judgement and rejection is very real in my mind . A journey begins with a single step and a book begins with a single word , so I guess I 've begun . My story is simple but sad and unfortunately extremely common . Abuse . . . emotional , physical , sexual and religious is the reality that to many women live with . . . it was my reality . What others would find horrific becomes a daily " norm " for those living with an abusive husband . You will note that I 'm using the word survivor instead of victim . The word victim conjures a negative image . Anyone who has lived with abuse and emerged the other side is a survivor . Negative feelings abound plenty without adding a negative title to who you view yourself to be ! I sat looking at a bottle of sleeping pills , muscle relaxants and morphine . Life held nothing but hurt , fear and hopelessness . I just couldn 't take it anymore . Everything that I had buried inside for 19 years had come spilling out in just 48 hours and I was in a state of shock , confusion and uncontrollable terror . Events that had been repressed in order to survive were flooding into my consciousness at a speed that was so overwhelming that I was drowning in fear . September 1983 . . . moving day ! I was so excited . I was 20 and moving into my first apartment in the city . I had been hired as a secretary at a missionary outreach . The Pastor there was the director of a book room , monthly magazine and daily radio broadcast that was heard in many countries . My job was to deal with the Canadian correspondence , generated by donations and requests . They also owned an apartment building next door which was primarily a retirement home for Christian seniors . The top floor was set aside for staff living quarters . I had a cute bachelor apartment . One whole wall was windows where I could see the Halifax harbor . There was a kitchen off the livingroom at one end and a " bedroom " area at the other end . A small entryway with a coat closet on one side and a little bathroom on the other completed the apartment . . . and it was mine ! The only other young people my age working there were David and Edward , and it wasn 't long before we started hanging out together . I quickly developed a close friendship with David , nothing mushy , just a close brother sister type bond . His mom and dad , Esther and George became my second family . . . to this day they hold a special place in my heart . As close as I was to David I longed for a girl friend and she soon came into my life . Peter was added to the staff a few months after I arrived , and his wife Pam was just the person I had been waiting for . We were soon best friends . Prior to coming to work in Halifax I had been involved with someone . One night he decided that he was not going to wait any longer and wanted more than a good - night kiss . I ended up fighting him off and being thrown out of the car . The fact that the Pastor was standoffish suited me just fine , not that I felt threatened by him in any way ; but already having been hurt by two men ( I had been molested as a teenager ) I had developed a wariness around men in authority . Anytime however that he did have reason to find me left me a nervous wreck ! I 'm sure however that he did not know what to do with me , let me give you a couple of examples . My dad passed away just 12 days after my 16th birthday , and my mother lived alone in the Annapolis Valley . One day I got a call that she had broken her leg . I asked for a couple of days off so that I could go home to help her out but was denied . So Pam and I decided to leave right after work the next day , but I had to be back to work the following morning at 9 : 00am . We spent the evening helping mom with odd jobs that had to be looked after , and making sure she had what she needed close . By 1 : 00 am Pam nor I had been able to get to sleep , so we decided just to jump in the car , housecoat , slippers and all and head back to Halifax . I don 't know when the Pastor ever slept ; he made rounds in the apartment building at all times during the night . Pam and I were just heading out of the underground parking garage into the lobby when we found ourselves face to face with him . He took in our state of dress and the time , then without a word left the building ! I waited the whole next day at work to be called into his office but the call never came . A few months later Pam decided to go home by herself to New Brunswick to visit her family for a week . A couple of nights after she left I awoke from a deep sleep around 1 : 00am . I can 't remember what I had been dreaming but I had a burning compulsion that I just had to talk to Pam right away . Our apartments were beside one another and a minute later I was knocking at her door . . . then the elevator door opened and there was the Pastor . Again , he never said a word . He took in my state of dress , the time , the fact that I was at Peter 's door with his wife away in the middle of the night ! He just got back in the elevator and left . That 's when I finally woke up enough to realize where I was and what I was doing ! I never did hear anything about the incident ; like I said . . . I don 't think he knew just quite what to do with me ! I had dreamed of getting married and having children since I was a little girl . The problem was there were no prospects on the horizon . This fact did not stop these determined people , they were on the hunt and there was no stopping them ! Peter had become like an older brother to me , so one night when he told me that he had met someone he thought would be perfect for me I trusted him completely . He said that he had been talking with a young man who had started coming into the bookroom . I had never seen him because I worked in an office on the second floor and never had much need for going downstairs . I was told that his name was Gary , apparently he had seen me one day and had started asking Peter questions about me . I am not by nature an outgoing person and the thought of meeting and talking with a stranger was unnerving to say the least . So my four co - conspirators got together and hatched a plan for us to meet . It was decided that the six of us would get together after a Sunday evening service at John and Linda 's . I was to bring my guitar , and finding out that Gary played guitar as well , he was asked to bring his . Somehow Peter manipulated things so that I found myself driving with Gary in his Camero to the house . It was so funny watching everyone that evening . Everything that was said and done had a double meaning ! At one point I found myself changing diapers and being told by Pam that it was really going to " impress Gary that I knew how to take care of a baby ! " I found it highly amusing that my best friend 's good intentions had her relaxing and me changing her child 's dirty diaper ! Valentine 's Day fell in the middle of the following week , and I received a surprise at work . Peter sent Gary to the staff room and then came and got me . Gary had noticed on Sunday evening that my guitar needed new strings . he brought me strings and a card ! I ran over to my apartment and got my guitar . He spent the next hour or so restringing and tuning the guitar while I tried to work at my desk . Before he left he asked me out to supper that Friday night . I was one of the leaders of the youth group at church and had been busy planning a Valentines Banquet for that evening . It was decided that I would go and do the youth group activity , then meet up with him , Peter and Pam for a double date at a Chinese restaurant . It was nearly 9 : 00pm when we got to the restaurant . I love Chinese food , but I had eaten at the church and wasn 't really all that hungry . Pam kept kicking me under the table and whispering to me that I had to eat something because Gary was paying for it . Needless to say , I was stuffed when we finally left ! As we left the restaurant something happened that I was always fearful would happen in public . I was born with a condition called " hip dysplasia " , simply put , I don 't have a left hip socket . The condition is painful because it is just bone rubbing on bone ( my left leg is also a bit shorter because of this ) . At times when I walk my leg just " gives out " on me and I can fall if I 'm not careful . This is what happened when I went down the outside stairs at the restaurant that night . I laughed it off , but inside I was so embarrassed and worried . Would Gary want to date someone who had a birth defect like this ? I didn 't have to wait long to find out . That Sunday evening Gary and I spent at Peter and Pam 's and the following week he started calling me at night . I was excited but also apprehensive about what his response would be when he found out about my disability . I didn 't have long to wait . During our second call he asked me if I had hurt my leg because he noticed that I walked with a slight limp . I told him about my hip problem and also about two back surgeries I had when I was 13 which left me with a huge scar on my back . He got very quiet , then said that he would have to think about whether or not he wanted to pursue a relationship with me . I hung up with all my insecurities rearing their ugly heads at me again . I had grown up laughed at and bullied because of my limp and the fact that I had to wear a lift on my left shoe . I remember coming home from high school one day and getting a screwdriver and taking the lift off all my shoes . I couldn 't take the constant ridicule anymore . Now once again I found myself being judged for a disability I had no control over . The feelings of not being " good enough " , and wanting to hide came back in full force . I found myself hoping that he would overlook these " failings " and accept me . A couple of days later he called back and said that he had decided to keep seeing me . I was so relieved that I had been " accepted " that I ignored the first red flag that raised itself in my mind . I had unknowingly taken the first step down into a pit of control and abuse . He had accepted me despite the obvious flaws and I should be grateful . In his mind I now " owed " him for this favor . Becoming controlled by another person doesn 't happen overnight . A person who is obsessive , manipulative and overbearing has a built in radar , it seems to zone in on the weaknesses and inferiority 's of another . All my life I had just wanted to be accepted , to fit in and feel normal and he was " bestowing " on me that opportunity . That Sunday night after church Gary offered to carry my guitar back to my apartment . When we got to the door he asked if he could come in and pray with me before he went home . I thought that was so nice and said OK . He prayed , then asked if he could kiss me good - night . It was our first kiss . I never saw what was coming . I knew that men could lose control quickly because of what had happened the year before to me by the guy I had been seeing , but Gary shredded that record all to pieces . I kept saying no , but he wasn 't listening , he had a goal in mind and there was no stopping him . For years I 've wondered why I didn 't fight him , but looking back I think I was afraid of being beaten again . It all happened so fast , I was left dazed and in pain . I had been a virgin was the only thing that kept repeating over and over in my mind . . . I had been , but no more . I was to stunned to cry . I just lay there in pain and shock listening to him crying and promising that it would never happen again . He kept begging me to forgive him . When I didn 't say anything he started telling me that Jesus commanded us to forgive one another , therefore it was my obligation as a Christian to forgive him . I don 't remember saying much to him that night . He left and I started to cry . I just couldn 't comprehend what had just happened ! I felt confused , and totally hurt by God . . . why had He let this happen ? What was I being punished for ? Not once did it occur to me to go to anyone . I felt so much humiliation and shame that I knew I could never talk about it . . . and I didn 't . It got buried in the back of my mind with the other abuses . Unless you are someone who has been raped you cannot understand the torment , shame and guilt that floods the soul . For some reason the sin of the abuser becomes the force that drives the abused . There is no understanding this , I 've tried for years , its just what happens . The abused takes the blame and responsibility for what has occurred , even though it 's the force from hell that broke them . After a couple of days he started calling again every night . He worked nights as a janitor at a school . Somehow despite all the work he had to do , he still found time to talk for at least an hour each night . I was wary at first and unsure of myself . On Saturday he brought me flowers and was very much a gentleman , and I let my guard down . In a sick way I still felt flattered that he wanted to see me . Looking back I realize that I was very immature and naive about things . Don 't misunderstand me , I am not in any way excusing Gary from the responsibility of what he did ( and kept doing ) , I 'm just saying that 's just the way it was . Nothing makes sense about what happened , if only I had gone to someone for help ! I was being broken bit by bit until the guilt was so terrible it was eating me alive . There were always tears and promises from him , and like a fool I accepted these declarations as truth , only to find myself burned again and again . It didn 't take long for me to feel like the scum of the earth , and that I didn 't deserve anything better . I was " used " property ; what decent Christian man would ever want me for a wife ? Its only been recently that I understand how this type of abuser works . They pick up on the low self - esteem , the emotional dependency , and the pliability of the person they are controlling , and they become masters of deception . This doesn 't negate the responsibility that I had to protect myself , but it showed me what an easy target I was and how quickly I became snagged and trapped . He soon had me believing that if I broke up with him it would be a sin . I had lost my virginity to him , therefore ending up with someone else would make me a whore in God 's eyes . . . and in God 's mind I belonged with him and only him . This is called religious abuse , using God as a scare tactic , a bully , to control the other person . How I ended up believing this was true I don 't know , I just know that I did . Within six weeks of starting to see him he had asked me to marry him . I found myself despite everything , excited . It meant that I could have a family ; it also meant that I could stop feeling so much guilt and shame every time he demanded sex . . . I so wanted rid of those feelings ! I had a lot of doubts about marrying him . Each time these thoughts came into my mind I would push them away . I felt this was my only option . The date was set for October 5 , 1985 , seven months away . I 've asked myself this same question for years , " why was I so stupid ? " I have no answer . How does anyone get duped ? You listen to lies and half truths long enough and that 's what you start to believe . Sometimes believing the lies is easier than facing the truth . I can honestly say that I was in love with the thought of marriage , not with who I was marrying . Not long after we became engaged we went to visit my mom . I was nervous about the two of them meeting , they were the exact opposites . My mom is a very outgoing , life of the party kind of person . I grew up in a home where laughter , jokes and fun were the norm . Gary on the other hand was a very quiet , intense , introverted and serious person . He grew up in a home where fighting , yelling and back - biting was the norm . We left on a Friday after work with plans to spend the whole weekend . Saturday morning started off with a water fight between mom and I . Here we were in our bathrobes chasing each other around the house with cups of water . We were laughing and just plain having a riot of a time . Mom eventually won , pushing me out onto the front step and locking the door . I sat there laughing my head off . . . but Gary wasn 't impressed . He was soon in a yelling match with mom accusing her of child abuse ! I stood between them crying and begging them both to stop . Mom finally told him to get out of her house . Looking back now I wish with all of my heart that I had stayed with mom that day , my life would have turned out so differently . But I didn 't . I packed my things and left with Gary . It was a quiet drive home . I couldn 't defend mom to him , he just wouldn 't listen , so I gave up . That day set the scene for what life would be like between the two of them . . . tense , with me always caught in the middle trying to smooth things out . It was also the start of me pulling inward , changing who I really was in order to please Gary . I stopped laughing and joking as much and became quieter , always guaging my actions to suit whatever mood he was in . I learned to always check what I was going to say and do before I said it and did it ; its a hard way to live . Gary was very possessive of me . This quickly became apparent to others , but not so much to me . As I earlier stated , he would call every night and expect me to be there . Sometimes it would be an hour or more , or if there were people in the school like with parent / teacher interview nights , it might be just for a few minutes ; but I was expected to answer when he called . I remember one evening Pam and I went to visit Lisa a friend from church . I had not told Gary because it was a spur of the moment decision to go . I guess he kept calling during the evening and by the time I got home he was furious with me . He accused me of choosing Pam over him . I spent most of the call in tears apoligizing and promising not to do it again . This was another step into the pit . It set the stage for a lifetime of having to ask permission to go and do anything . Slowly I backed off from my friends to make sure I was always available to him . I became skilled at explaining why I couldn 't go places or do things that I had always enjoyed . Pam started making remarks about me not having time for her anymore . I became an expert at hiding my true feelings behind my smile and learned to always appear happy . I had to make this work . Doubts were from the devil , I had to make God 's will work . . . right ? Not only did he take control of who I saw and when , but he became increasingly jealous of David , to the point that if I even looked in David 's general direction at church I would be accused of cheating on him ! So I became even more zealous at checking what I said or did . It is amazing the twists that he could put on even the most innocent of statements . My heart broke at losing one of my dearest and best friends . Deep down I knew I had been horribly short - changed but it was just another loss that I had to accept . I did what I was becoming very good at doing . . . I buried the hurt , smiled and pretended that all was right in my world . One Saturday Gary called and told me to come over to his place . He had the basement apartment in his parents home in Dartmouth . It took me two buses and a 15 minute walk . When I got there he and his parents were in the yard trying to put together a double bed that he had bought . I never understood why it was being put together outside instead of inside the apartment ! I never said anything , I just stood in shocked silence while Gary exploded in rage at his mom screaming at her that she was an idiot ! I was horrified . I had been raised to honor your father and mother . Even though I disagreed with what she had said , I started to defend her . Gary turned on me then , telling me to shut - up that I was just as useless as his mother . I turned and left the yard in tears . Halfway up the street I felt a hand take my arm . It was Gary 's dad . He calmed me down and told me to just ignore him , that he was just upset and would get over it . He explained that Gary and his mother always fought like this , but that it would blow over and be like it never happened . The red flags went up in my mind again , but I ignored them and let him take me back to the house . Gary never did apologize to me or his mother , and I soon came to realize that this was normal in this family ! The saying , " How a man treats his mother is how he will treat his wife " came to me and it honestly scared me ; but I felt trapped and just prayed that we would be the exception to that rule . Gary soon started to share the things his mom thought about me . The one thing that she was most critical about was my weight . I weighed between 150 and 160 lbs at the time . Gary started nagging me about it telling me that he was embarrassed at times to be seen with me . So I went on a crash diet of only carrots and onion chip dip ! I ate so many bags of carrots over the next few weeks that my skin took on an orange hue ! I lost 10 lbs but to this day I hate carrots ! The criticism continued however from both Gary and his mother . I was never good enough . One day in the Spring of that year I realized that I might be pregnant ! I was terrified ! I kept waiting day after day for my period to come . David knew that something was wrong and cornered me at work one day . I finally told him what I feared . I 've been told in the past year that many people knew that something wasn 't right and thought Gary was a little strange , but they didn 't really know what to do . David was at a loss , but he didn 't know the whole story so didn 't know what to tell me . Thankfully a couple of days later I was able to tell him that it had been a false alarm . I could see the concern in his eyes but I made myself turn and walk away . I never talked to him again about Gary . I became more anxious as the date of the wedding came closer . I just wanted to get it over with , I was hoping that this terrible shame and guilt would just vanish . Mom kept asking me if I was sure . She wasn 't happy with the whole thing and well I knew it ! The day after I had handed out the wedding invitations at work various co - workers started showing up in my office telling me that they would be unable to attend the wedding . I became uneasy wondering what was going on . When I got home from work I went over to Pam 's and found her in tears and Peter angry . Before they could say anything it dawned on me what was happening . We were getting married in the Valley at the church I had grown up attending . That did not go over well at all with the Pastor . He had forbidden any of the staff to attend and Peter and Pam were to have no part in it ! I became very upset . . . Peter had his hands full with both his wife and now me in hysterics ! I spent the night in tears . The next morning I didn 't go into work until after 10 : 00 am . On the way I met the Pastor , he was coming to get me . I was taken upstairs to a apartment which was above the print shop and placed in the middle of the room in front of all the senior staff . Peter , Pam and Esther ( David 's mom ) were also present . I sat there and was lectured on how sinful I was for getting married in another church . The Pastor believed that there was no other churches in the Maritimes that preached the truth ! I was then told in no uncertain terms that no one would be permitted to attend or have anything to do with my wedding . After about 10 minutes of this listening to this lecture I was then asked if I had anything to say . I don 't know where I found the courage but I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn 't care in the least that he wouldn 't be there . I then stated that the only ones I cared to have come were Pam , Esther and David . Then without waiting to be told I could leave , I got up and left . I was shaking by the time I got to the bookroom . I went over to the display of bulletins and got a box of wedding ones to replace the ones that I couldn 't use anymore . I went to my office and ignoring the work on my desk , spent the remainder of the morning typing up new bulletins omitting Peter and Pam as attendants . David came in a couple of times wanting to know what in the world was going on . He had seen the Pastor coming in with me and knew I had disappeared with most of the staff , including his mom upstairs . When I had finished the new bulletins I went with him into the staff room and told him what had happened . He was furious and was on the verge of quitting . After I had calmed him down , he assured me that no matter what anyone said to him , he would be at my wedding . I put in my two week notice that I would be quitting that day . A little side - note here . . . on the day of the wedding Peter had to work . When it became to late for him to get to the church , the Pastor gave him the rest of the day off ! David , Pam and Esther were all there ! October 5 , 1985 . . . my wedding day . I get very jealous when I hear women saying that their wedding day was the happiest day of their lives . To me it meant the beginning of no return . My Aunt Janet came into the bedroom that morning and helped me with my make - up . I put on a smile and determined to keep it there all day . I kept telling myself that this was the day I had been waiting for , the day when the guilt and shame could be erased . I remember being at the back of the church waiting . The door to the sanctuary was on the left and the door leading out of the church was on the right . I wanted so much to go out the door on the right , but I felt I had no choice , this was God 's will and I was doing the right thing . . . I thought ! The first person I saw when I started down the aisle was Pam . She was near the back and in tears . I had to shut my heart off to the emotions swirling about inside me . Hearing the words , " I now pronounce you husband and wife " , was like hearing jail doors clanging in my head . . . it was now time to serve my sentence . To some of you reading , this might sound overly dramatic , but it was the way I felt , divorce could not be an option , this was until death parted us ; and in the years to come that would become almost a daily prayer . Despite my longings , that night did nothing to erase the guilt and shame that I had been carrying deep in my heart , and I cried myself to sleep . We went around the Cabot Trail for our honeymoon . You can be aware of things before you get married , but being with someone 24 / 7 makes things real . Gary was a very selfish , critical person , not only with me but with whomever he was dealing with . There was not one meal that he found to his liking and many of them were returned with nasty comments . At the Canso Causeway I finally took exception to the way he treated the girl waiting on us . After exploding at me in the middle of the restaurant , it was a very quiet trip back to Dartmouth ! A couple of weeks after getting home was Thanksgiving . I had never prepared a turkey dinner before and was a little nervous about it . Gary was a perfectionist and everything had to be just right . . . well . . . that didn 't happen ! Never having cooked a turkey before I didn 't know that you were not suppose to turn it over while cooking . Gary liked the breast dry with a crispy skin , well that 's not what he ended up with . When I tried to take the turkey out of the roaster it fell apart . The skin was saturated with the fat that it had been sitting in the last 1 / 2 of the cooking time . To say he was not pleased would be an understatement . While listening to him rant at what an idiot I was , I was trying to pick out some meat that would please him . Being busy with that I didn 't notice the gravy boil over and catch on fire ! To say the meal was a disaster can 't come close . He ended up going upstairs to eat his mother 's meal while I cleaned up the mess and tried to salvage something from it for myself . Needless to say I never turned a turkey over again ! Just before Christmas of 1985 I found out that I was pregnant . I was so excited ! I loved babies and had always dreamed of being a mother . Gary was also happy but in the process became even more controlling , after all I was carrying his child , so he had the say about everything . How he ever gave me permission to take knitting classes in the evenings with my friend Jessie I 'll never figure out . Peter and Pam had moved back to New Brunswick not long after the wedding fiasco . I missed Pam terribly . Eventually however another special person came into my life . Jessie and her husband David and their two children were friends from church . After getting settled in Gary 's apartment I realized that they only lived a little ways away . We soon became close friends . Taking this knitting class together was so much fun ! I made a little sweater and a bunting bag . After the classes were finished Gary expected me to stop seeing and talking to Jessie , well she was having none of that . Jessie saw things for what they were right from the start and never let him get away with anything where I was concerned . Gary hated her for it , and they would butt heads many times over the years because of me . Jessie proved to be a true and loyal friend and has always been there for me . When I was 34 weeks pregnant I developed toxemia and gestational diabetes and was put in the hospital on complete bed rest . I underwent a test in which they can determine if the baby 's lungs are developed enough to breathe on their own if they are born early . My little one 's lungs were mature enough and on Sunday July 6th 1986 , five weeks early , I gave birth to a healthy red - headed little boy whom we named Josiah Kyle . I was scared at first as to what Gary would do with a son with red hair . He had said many times during my pregnancy that he hated red hair . With both of us having dark hair I didn 't think the risk was high even though my dad had been a red head and both my sister and Aunt Janet have red hair . But , here he was . A 6 lb 11 oz baby boy with bright red hair . Gary never said a word again about red hair after that day . It had been a very hard labor and delivery . Gary had spent the entire time sitting in a chair on the other side of the room not helping me at all . Josiah was born with the aid of forceps which tore me severely and left me with a long and difficult recovery . After a week in the hospital I was discharged and told to take it easy . I had a visiting nurse ( VON ) for the first couple of weeks after I got home . Even though I was still very weak and not able to move very good I had no choice but to get right back at taking care of Gary and the house . One day the VON showed up and got very put out with Gary when she found me up and making dinner . She preceded to show him my medical record and the orders that I stay off my feet and take it easy until I had healed . It made no difference to Gary . Some of the ladies from the church had at first been coming over every day to help , but he resented them being there and had put a stop to it . One day a week or so after I got home a couple of good friends from the Valley showed up to see me . They had only been in the apartment 10 minutes when Gary made them leave . They never came back to visit me again . Living in the apartment was getting harder and harder because of Gary 's mother . Every time Josiah would cry she would call or come down insisting that he be brought upstairs . . . I must be doing something wrong . She made it very clear to me that I didn 't know what I was doing at all . She was especially vocal on this point if I refused to let her take him upstairs . Josiah got alot of extra rocking and snuggle time in my efforts to keep him from crying ! It was during this time that Gary announced one night that unless I lost weight he wouldn 't sleep with me or even touch me again ! Something clicked in my mind that night and I thought , " Good ! I know how to keep you away from me ! " At this point I had become accustomed to being rolled over in the middle of the night and then two minutes later listening to him snore again . Sex hurt . All I will say is that a lot of foreign objects found their way inside me . He also watched pornography and liked to try the perverted things that he saw . I was terrified to move at night in case he woke up enough to want sex . I felt used , dirty and like a prostitute except that I never got paid . I developed a severe case of hemorrhoids . My doctor was suspicious and started asking some questions , but I never volunteered any information on what was really happening . This midnight declaration from Gary didn 't upset me and spur me into losing weight like he had hoped . For one day I thought that things might change but it was not to be . The next night he was back . But in my mind a seed had been planted that if I looked fat enough and disgusting enough I would be safe from him . . . and anyone else that might hurt me ! As I started to gain weight my hopes of being left alone died . His sick perverted mind needed sex and I was there . Over the next few years the verbal and sexual abuse , suspicion and control became even worse . I couldn 't even go to church on my own . I had to fight to go visit my mom . He needed to know where I was , who I was with , what I was doing and when I would be home . I was given no money of my own . I couldn 't have anyone over even when he was at work . I couldn 't talk on the phone when he was home . I had to keep music I liked hidden and only listen to it when he was at work . There were different times Jessie showed up at the house to check on me because Gary wouldn 't let her talk to me when she had called . This obsessive behavior even went as far as not allowing my name to be on the vehicle permits . He told me that if I ever tried to leave him and took the car he would have me arrested as a car thief . He had me scared and trapped . . . but my smile was still in place . In December of 1989 the rent on our duplex became more than what we could pay . Gary found a little house a couple of streets over and with his dad 's help for the down payment he bought it . Four months later our daughter Elizabeth was born . She was 6 lbs 10 oz 's , full term and healthy . Three days after she was born we went home from the hospital . Josiah loved his baby sister and took his role of being a big brother very seriously . I can 't say that Gary didn 't love his children because he did , although his love became possessive and obsessive with them as well . I tried to offset the extremes to which he took everything , I wanted the kids to have a healthy balance in their lives . Only for my children would I stand up to him . When Elizabeth was a year old Gary came home from work one night acting very strange . The next day his actions and the things he was saying made me nervous , but I couldn 't quite put my finger on what was wrong . So I called our Pastor . We had left the missionary work in Halifax , and our new pastor was now Pastor Benson . He came out to the house that evening . We were in the livingroom when a car drove by the house , Gary dove onto the floor thinking that someone in the car was going to shoot him ! I was so upset by his strange behavior that I couldn 't stay in the room with them , so I went into the kitchen . Around 10 : 00pm Pastor Benson came out to where I was and asked if I was comfortable with him leaving . He wasn 't sure himself what was going on but didn 't think he could do anything more that night . Gary had followed him out and I was afraid to say in front of him that I wanted the Pastor to stay so I told him that it was ok for him to leave . He left and we went to bed . Somehow I fell asleep , only to be awakened at midnight with Gary jumping up and down on the bed yelling that Abraham had just spoken to him ! I was terrified . . . what was happening ! I got out of the room as quickly as I could , but he followed me . He then started punching his fists through the walls , throwing chairs , all the time muttering to himself . I slowly inched my way towards the hall where the kid 's room was . All of a sudden he turned and started towards their bedroom door . I placed myself between him and the door , but he kept coming at me . I reached out , grabbed him and threw him back into the kitchen ! I am not a strong person , but my adrenalin was pumping and he was NOT going to harm the children ! While he was regaining his balance I ran into the livingroom and grabbed the phone . I took my place beside the bedroom door again and called Pastor Benson . I quickly explained what was happening and he told me to hang on he was going to call the RCMP . I don 't know why I didn 't think of that ! The phone rang a couple of minutes later and it was the police . I was told that a car was on the way but it would take approximately 1 / 2 hour because they were all at the scene of a bad car accident in Porter 's Lake . I was asked if there were any weapons in the house . Gary had a pellet gun and there were big knives in the drawer in the kitchen . I wasn 't sure if these were what they would consider weapons but I wasn 't going to take the chance of mentioning them with Gary right there , it might put an idea into his head ! I hung up and stood and watched Gary mumbling and stalking around the kitchen . Forty - five minutes later the RCMP finally showed up . Gary got very belligerent with the officers , refusing to even get dressed . They finally just handcuffed him and took him to the car in his underwear . I sat at the kitchen table and stared in shock at the shambles surrounding me . One of the officers came back in and sat at the table with me to get my statement . I started to shake and cry . The phone rang and the officer answered it and told Pastor Benson that I would call him back . About 1 / 2 hour later they left . Before I could call the Pastor back Jessie drove into the yard . Pastor had called and just asked her to come to my house , that I needed her . She was stunned when she walked into the house , saw the mess and heard what had happened . We sat at the kitchen table talking and crying together . I called the Dartmouth General Hospital ( that 's where they said they were taking him ) around 5 : 00am and found out that he had been moved across the street to the Nova Scotia Mental Hospital . I phoned his parents at 6 : 00am and then left Jessie to take care of the kids . They had slept through everything ! It was surreal walking down the quiet deserted halls of the Mental Hospital early that morning . The only sound to be heard were my own footsteps . I felt like I was in a bad dream and couldn 't wake up . . . this just couldn 't be real ! Gary 's parents were already there with him , but they left when I arrived . I was scared , I had no idea of what to do or say . He kept ranting that he had missed the rapture . A doctor finally came in and took me into another room to talk . He wanted a very detailed statement of everything leading up to and including that night . I disclosed everything except the abuse . The next 5 months passed in a blur . After just a week in the hospital they started giving Gary two hour passes to come home ! I had to pick him up and take him home . He would lay on the bed crying , not wanting me to leave the room . I had a 1 and 4 year old that couldn 't be left on their own , and I sure didn 't want them around Gary . Most days Elizabeth would end up in her playpen crying for me with Josiah trying to entertain her . I explained to the doctor the way things were going at home and how very stressed out I was by everything . She seemed very understanding and agreed with me that things could not continue on this way . I watched her change the orders on his chart stating that no more passes would be issued until there was a marked improvement in his condition . I arrived home to a ringing phone and a very upset husband . He demanded to know why I was late picking him up ! I asked him to let me talk with a nurse and found out that after I had left the hospital the original orders had been reinstated ! I stopped trying to fight the system and tried to figure out ways to cope with the overwhelming stress I was living in . One day I left the kids with Gary 's mother while I ran a few errands . When I arrived back to pick them up and was putting Elizabeth 's snowsuit on her his mother looked at me and said , " My , I 've never seen you look so fat ! " I looked at her in shocked disbelief ! How could you say something like that to someone ? I never said a word back , just packed up the kids and left . I decided that I really needed a break , I had to get away even if only for a few days . I went home , packed and left for mom 's . It was just the break that I needed . A couple of days later I packed the kids in the car and we started back to the city . When I had left mom 's it was softly snowing , but I hadn 't been on the highway long when I found myself in a full - blown snowstorm . I couldn 't see a thing in front of me . I finally pulled off onto the shoulder of the highway not knowing what to do . I knew it was unsafe to stay there because no one could see the car and I was afraid that a snowplow would come along and push us right off the road . Deciding to try and find the next exit I put the car back into drive then watched in disbelief as the engine died ! Now what ? I got out and tried to flag down passing cars but they just kept going . I then decided that if they saw the hood of the car raised maybe someone would stop . Finally a car going in the other direction ( back towards Kingston ) turned around and pulled up behind me . There was just one man in the car . He got out and came up to me and asked if he could help . I explained what had happened and he said that he would drive us back to Kingston . When I got the kids and myself belted into his car the man just sat there staring straight ahead and I thought . . . " This is it , we 're going to die ! " , especially after he turned to me and asked which way Kingston was ! I debated grabbing the kids and jumping out of the car but I knew I couldn 't get them both out at the same time . So I told him which direction to head and he started driving . That was when he told me that he had just arrived from out West the day before . . . I started to breathe normally again ! I had him drop us off at a restaurant in Kingston and I called mom . While we waited one of the waitresses brought the kids hot chocolate and cookies ! A couple of days later with the car fixed and sun shining we started out once more , this time with no trouble . When I arrived back home I found that Gary 's mother had been telling everyone in the family that the reason he 'd had a breakdown was because it was just to much pressure on him living with a fat wife . I was so humiliated . But it was then that I realized I had gained nearly 30 lbs since Gary had gotten sick . I would eat and eat and never feel full . I went to my doctor and he told me that in extreme stress some people can 't eat while others seem to have the switch in their brain that tells them they 're full turned off . Eating becomes a compulsion , a way of trying to escape . Some people turn to booze , some drugs and others food . It set the stage for a life - time of eating to cope with stress . I also began to hate Gary 's mother . She just seemed mean and spiteful . My self - esteem was so low by this point that I found myself starting to believe that I was responsible . I just wasn 't a good enough wife . Six months later Gary was back at work and things slowly started to return to a somewhat normal state . The only difference was that he had become even more controlling and sexually perverted than before ! He started demanding me to do even more things that I wasn 't comfortable with and didn 't like . I was forced to watch porn with him so that I could see what he wanted me to do . . . I hated it , it made me sick . Looking back now I just shake my head at how normal I made our life appear to everyone . In hindsight I believe two things drove me into silence . One was fear . I had totally lost all confidence in myself ; I was no good , I was stupid , I never had good idea 's about anything . . . how could I possibly function on my own ? I feared Gary , what would he do if I left ? I feared God , how would He punish me if I left ? The second thing was my pride . Admitting to anyone that there were these kind of problems would be so humiliating . Having people know this had happen to me . . . there was just to much shame that I would have to deal with . Pride can make you do some pretty crazy things and my pride made me stay where I was , kept me from seeking help and made me pretend that everything was OK . Gary never beat me except on one occasion . The abuse was more insidious than that . It was emotional and sexual . The type of abuse that doesn 't produce noticeable scars ; that can 't be fixed with a band aid or a cast . These injuries are not to the body , they are to the heart and soul , but are just as destructive and debilitating to the woman who has suffered them as physical abuse is . It takes much longer however to heal than a broken bone or bruise . Please don 't misunderstand what I am saying , physical abuse is diabolical and never to be tolerated . I 'm not saying one is worse than the other , just that one is of the body and the other of the soul . September came and it was time for Josiah to start school . That was a very hard day for me . Poor little Elizabeth was so upset , and it didn 't help that mommy cried all day . When Josiah would come home at the end of each day I would feel a sense of relief that he was safe and sound . In October we went to an open house at a Christian school in Timberlea . After a couple of meetings with the principal it was decided that Josiah would start right away and that I would work 3 days a week to pay for his tuition . Gary wouldn 't watch Elizabeth , which was fine with me ! Jessie 's daughter - in - law Lynnette who lived just down the road from the school said she would babysit her . The days that I worked were long . With rush hour traffic and having to go from Eastern Passage to the other side of Halifax , the drive was 1 1 / 2 hours in the mornings . I had to be ready to start work at 8 : 30 , plus I had 3 students to pick up in Dartmouth plus drop Elizabeth off at Lynnette 's ! So I left home with two sleepy children at 6 : 30am each morning . I would pull back into the driveway at 3 : 45pm and Gary would leave for work at 3 : 50pm ! This suited me just fine . . . for 3 whole days a week the kids and I had freedom away from him ! ! I loved my job . I did yard duty before school and at recess . I then did filing , graded papers and helped students with workbook corrections . On a couple of occasions when the primary teacher was out sick I would have charge of her class for the entire day . . . that was so much fun . Josiah was always delighted when mommy was his " teacher " , and getting to spend the whole day with my little boy was a delight to me ! My last chore at the end of each day was to clean the staffroom and do any dishes . I was always tired at the end of these days , but very happy to have Josiah where he was , and it sure didn 't hurt that I was able to see him off and on during the day . There were also a few times when Lynnette was sick and I was allowed to bring Elizabeth with me to work . She loved to sit beside me and " help " correct papers . She was also thrilled to be able to play with Josiah during recess and lunch . She was such a beautiful little girl with long dark curly hair and big brown eyes that seemed almost to big for her cute little face . All the older girls in the school loved to take care of her for me ! Life was very busy for me . On top of all this I also had 4 piano students . Even though I was working to pay Josiah 's tuition , there were still a lot of extra expenses . . . his uniform , field trips , extra gas . Even though Gary wanted him at that school it was up to me to find ways to pay the extra bills . During this time I was also voted in as President of the Ladies Fellowship Group at our church . I don 't know why Gary allowed this ! I think he was afraid to say no and have the Pastor asking why . So I had to find time to organize the monthly meetings and plan the devotional . The first night I had to speak I was a nervous wreck , but as time went on I found that after the initial first 5 minutes of shaking , I really enjoyed speaking ! All this business kept me from having alot of time to dwell on the negative things going on in my life , and for a while made putting on the happy face a little easier each day . When Josiah began grade 1 I was diagnosed with asthma . As it became worse it was harder and harder to keep working . I would have to leave a classroom on the run in order to make it to the bathroom before I threw - up . The constant coughing left me very tired and it grew harder and harder to put in the long days . I had been having a lot of pain in my side and back and after numerous tests and doctor visits I was told that I had gall - bladder trouble . After several full - blown attacks I was scheduled for surgery . Mom agreed to come down for a few days to look after Josiah and Elizabeth . I was much more comfortable knowing she and not Gary 's mother would be caring for them , but I was definitely on edge about her and Gary in the same house for several days ! I was told that I should be up and out of the hospital the same day . I awoke to nurses turning me onto my side in the recovery room . . . I had just been sick . I had been told before the surgery that they weren 't sure if they could do the operation the new way , with the scope , or if I would have to be cut open . That was the first thing on my mind when I woke up . I was thinking clearly but I couldn 't seem to get the words to come out of my mouth ! All I could manage to ask the nurse was , " What did they do ? " She told me that I 'd had my gall - bladder out . I tried again , and she gave me the same answer . . . again . After I spit out the question for the 3rd time she got a little put out with me and said , " I already told you ! " I took a deep breath and managed to say , " But what way ? " That was when she clued in and told me that it had been done with the scope . It took awhile for me to get back to my room because I got very sick . I learned later that not only did I have a lot of gall - stones , but my gall - bladder was black with rot ! I didn 't get to go home that day , or the next . I started running a low - grade temperature . I kept pushing myself to get up and walk , I thought I should be feeling better than I was . In fact I was feeling so miserable that I didn 't even care that mom and Gary were together longer than expected . Mom brought the kids in one evening to see me . They were only in the room a few minutes when I just started to cry and asked mom to take them home . They weren 't being bad or noisy but my nerves just couldn 't take their chatter . Over the next week it became increasingly harder and harder to breathe . My fever started inching up a little higher each day . Gary 's mother had to take the kids because I just couldn 't take care of them . I moved into Josiah 's bed , eventually having to sit up to even breathe . I went to see the surgeon but in his brusque manner he waved off everything and said that I was just over - reacting ! That did little to help Gary 's frame of mind ! A couple of nights later David 's wife Edie called to see how I was doing . She got very upset because of the hard time I was having to breathe , I could hardly talk to her as I had to gasp for each breath . She hung up and called her mother - in - law , Esther . Esther called and only tried to talk to me for a minute and then she called Gary at work . She told him to get home and take me to the Emergency Room right away . By the time I got to the hospital I was gasping for breath and in terrible pain . I was started on an IV and oxygen , given an interjection for pain and only allowed ice - chips because they thought I was going to be rushed into surgery . In the morning I was taken by ambulance to another hospital in Halifax for a lung scan . I was told I had a severe lung infection and was started on strong intervenous antibiotics . By the 3rd day the fever had started to come down and the pain was subsiding enough that they cut back on the pain medication . . . then in breezes the surgeon . He still laughed everything off and ordered the antibiotic stopped . That night the pain came back so quickly and hard that they called a code on my room ! I was immediately surrounded by lots of people each doing something to me , they thought I was having a heart attack . Within an hour I was back on oxygen and antibiotics and pain meds . After I had been home for 3 days I had an appointment with my own family doctor . While there I mentioned the pain in my leg which had been getting worse . He immediately sent me back to the hospital for an x - ray . Right from the X - ray department I found myself being admitted once again into the hospital , this time for a blood - clot in my leg ! I was put on complete bed rest , not even being allowed up to the bathroom . I was two more weeks in the hospital ! I had to have blood drawn every three to four hours ; I built up so much scar tissue on my veins that after a while I couldn 't even feel the needle going in . They were able to draw blood during the night without even waking me up ! By the time I finally got home again I had been off work for 6 1 / 2 weeks . I was to find out only years later that a piece of my lung had been sucked out during the surgery ! No one thought it serious enough to tell me . I did learn that the surgeon had multiple malpractice suits over the years . . . I wonder why ! ! When I finally was able to return to work I found my nerves a complete mess . Being around so many kids and so much noise left me sitting in the staff room in tears every day . I tried to stick it out for the remainder of the school year but I just couldn 't . Because of the circumstances Josiah was allowed to finish out the school year at no cost to us . Gary was very upset and blamed me for Josiah not being able to continue at that school . I felt so guilty . What kind of mother was I not to do all I could to provide the best for my children ! The list of my failures continued to grow . Cindy views her most important accomplishment as being a mom and now a Gramma . She also is a published author , having had a short story and various poems published . She has been the recipent of various awards for poetry . Her autobiography " Behind the Smile " is @ cindylea62behindthesmile . blogspot . com A poetry blog ponderingmyway . blogspot . com & Devotional blog abrokenvessel62 . blogspot . com She is also working on two screenplays and a novel . Cindy is passionate about ending the silence that surrounds domestic violence and giving those trapped by abuse , hope , courage and a voice of their own . She was a contributing writer for the NALPCC E - zine publication on domestic violence . A new blog is up and running called Shattered & Mended @ www . shattered62 . blogspot . com This blog deals with domestic violence . It is her belief that courage is not the absence of fear in your life but the presence of hope . |
After walking almost the whole day , we came close to a village area in the late afternoon hours . We knew this because of the barking of the dogs . We saw houses and fields . We thought that we had arrived at Kerchon . We sat down to rest and eat what we had left . We meant to go to one of the houses in the evening to ask if we really were in Kerchon and where the Jews were in this area . As we were sitting and talking , we heard voices of people coming in our direction . We stood on our feet to escape , but suddenly we heard a voice say in Polish , " Stop ! Don 't flee . We are partisans ! " We stopped , and we found ourselves surrounded by three armed men with rifles , and one of them also had a revolver . He was the leader . They asked where we came from and where we are going to . We told them all that happened to us up to now and what our plans are for the winter . We added that we hoped to be helped by the Jews hiding in the forest in this area . The leader of the partisans ordered one of his men to give us sheep furs so we could cover ourselves on the cold nights . He explained that we were near a Ukrainian village and Kerchon is on the other side of the train tracks . In other words , we must cross the train tracks . He said we could only cross the train tracks after dark and then enter the first house , whose owner had a large threshing floor . He would take care of it that the farmer would give us food and let us stay in his threshing floor until he would met us with the Jews of the forest . He even told us the names of the Jews . We also knew their names . Seeing how poor , scared and lacking hope we were , he encouraged us in saying that the Germans will soon be defeated and we will be freed , and then we could avenge them and the Ukrainians . He said that the partisans were acting very strongly and caused the Germans many problems . He said we should not be scared when we hear a large explosion in a hour , as they would be blowing up a German train on the train tracks ten kilometers from here . Mother thanked him and wished them good luck in the battles against the Germans , and even suggested her help . But they said that the partisans only accept young men and women with private guns . We continued sitting and waited for it to get dark , so we could continue on our way as the partisan leader explained to us . Mother saw the partisans as messengers of G - d and made a thanksgiving prayer . As was promised , we heard a great explosion , and we understood that the paritsan 's act was carried out . That made us very happy . It became dark , and we turned to crossing the train tracks . We crawled to the tracks and crossed the tracks with each of us running separately . Then we turned in the direction of the house of the owner of the large threshing floor . We came close to the courtyard , and there was a large barking dog . Within a few minutes , a young farmer came out , called the dog , and came toward the gate . He asked us what we wanted , and we told him . We mentioned the name of the leader of the partisans . He opened the gate for us , and quickly took us to the threshing floor . He brought us food , and said later in the evening he would met us with a Jew of Kerchon by the name of Avraham with the closed eye , who would take us to the forest and get us settled with the rest of the Jews . We must leave the threshing floor tonight , because the Germans will do searching tomorrow , after the explosion . We cuddled up in a pile of hay in the threshing floor after we ate the food that the farmer gave us and we tried to fall asleep . We fell asleep for a few hours . We suddenly woke up when we heard a discussion in Yiddish inside the threshing floor . I jumped from the pile of hay and I recognized Avraham with the closed eye , and another Jew by the name of Avraham who was a metal worker from Sarny . Avraham with the closed eye recognized me , my mother , and my sister . My mother told him our whole story . He told us his whole story and that he and his wife , Bluma , were still alive . But all the others had been killed . The farmer came and asked them to take care of us . He made sure that they had a sheltered place for us during the coming winter , and a good hiding place for us if the Germans came to search . The two Jews said they have this for us , but they were not very happy because we might become a burden for them . My mother tried to explain that we were relatives through his wife , Bluma , and she asked if he could help us . The farmer added to us some more food and some old clothes . We went on our way with Avraham from Kerchon and Avraham the metal worker toward the forest . On the way , each of them entered the houses of non - Jews to stock up on food . We continued on our way to the forest . Avraham knew his way in the depths of the forest in the darkness of the night . Finally , we got to a tangled grove , and met the rest of the Jews who were in a special building made of logs , covered with leaves and dirt . Near the building , there was a campfire burning . By the campfire , sat Avraham 's wife , Bluma , the metal worker , Fissa , his daugher , Hanna , and his grandaughter , Zelda . After opening greetings , it seemed that we were received in a very cold manner . We sat by the campfire and they gave us baked potatoes that were taken from the ashes now . Avraham , the metal worker , opened by saying that we all had an obligation to take care of the widow and her two orphans . But we must take into account the existing plans for hiding the refugees in the forest , so they won 't be discovered when the Germans come to make a thorough search . Avraham , the metal worker , was a strange type . On one hand , he was very kind . On the other hand , he was very nervous and apprehensive about being discovered . He said it was very important to hide our tracks in the winter and in the snow , in order not to be discovered . He said we could not all stay together , in order to not mix up the plans for hiding already made for the winter . All the members sat quietly as a sign that they agreed with him . Avraham Hakerchoni ( from Kerchon ) had to explain to certain non - Jews the reason that we were staying separate in order to prevent misunderstandings . Thus it was decided that the next morning we would be moved to a different part of the forest . There was a shack there that was used in the fall months . Avraham , the metal worker , explained to us that in the winter months , when the snow began to fall , we were to move around as little as possible from the shack to the houses of the village . We should collect for ourselves a supply of food , and to put it in a hole in the ground and to cover it with leaves and branches , so it won 't freeze . This referred to bread , onions , salt , matches , and a supply of dry leaves and branches for heating bonfires . If we had to go out , at any rate , we should leave a minimum of footsteps by covering them with the snow . Mother was very sad about all these talks . She cried . But there was no choice , and we had to accept the decision , and thought about how to survive the difficult winter . That night we fell asleep by the bonfire . We woke up in the morning and ate baked potatoes and onions . Avraham Hakerchoni led us to our new home . After we said goodbye to everyone , Avraham , the metal worker , said to us that we could not visit them under any circumstances , as it would endanger them . But on the other hand , they would find time to visit us from time to time . Avraham Hakerchoni explained to us , on the way , the short cut to the village . He explained where the houses of the villagers who were willing to help us were located . We arrived at our shack , we cleaned the floor , and put our bundles down . In the middle of the shack , there was a pit for making a bonfire . We lit a fire . A small distance from the shack , we dug a pit with the aid of Avrahma Hakerchoni about a meter and a half deep . We reached water that was clean and tasty . This promised us water for drinking and washing . After we got settled , Avraham Hakerchoni left us and promised to visit from time to time . The three of us remained , and my sister and I went out to look for forest berries . We returned with berries and we ate the potatoes that had baked in the bonfire and ate the berries for desert . Then I collected branches of pine trees to cover the roof of the shack and with a tin that I found near by , I dug in the soft sand near the shack , and I pored sand on the branches in order to prevent leaking and cold . I also collected tall weeds , half - dry , and brought them to the shack . I spread them under us for bedding . Thus the day went by , and I planned to go to the village in the evening in order to collect food and other supplies for the coming winter . We tried to navigate in the shortest way , according to Avraham Hakerchoni 's directions . As we got farther away from the shack , we left ourselves signs so we would know the way back to the shack . Even though it was dark , we were not afraid of the animals . We were warned about the danger of the wolves in the winter . If we run into a wolf , we should scare him away by lighting a dry tree . The flame scares him away . After a half an hour , we got to the edge of the forest , and we saw the lights from the windows of the houses in the village . In a bent over position , we crossed the field and came close to the first house . I knocked on the door , and a fat , short Polish woman appeared , and asked us to enter . In the house , her husband and her daughter were seated . It was very pleasant and warm in the house , as opposed to the cold and wind outside . The woman told us to sit near the heater , where we could get warm . Even though this was a first visit , we did not totally surprise them , and they knew of our existence in the area . We understood this because the woman asked about our mother , the widow . We told them about how we got settled in the shack , that mother was weak and tired from the tribulations of the traveling until we got to Kerchon . We answered their questions about where we came from , what town , and how we escaped . Tears fell from the woman 's eyes , and she did not stop crossing herself , and saying prayers . She and her husband were disturbed by the fact that Avraham and his people did not let us stay with them , but sent us to a separate place . Wasn 't it shameful that an escaped Jew dids not want to help someone who was weak and needed help ? They served us warm food - - cereal , borsht , and potatoes . The non - Jewess found some of her daughters ' clothes and gave them to my sister . She warmed water in a big pot , and suggested that my sister go in back of the heater and shower and wash her hair . She suggested that I let my sister stay with them for the winter , because my sister would not survive the difficult winter in the forest . She insisted that my sister already stay the night , and that I return to the forest and tell my mother . If my mother was against this , we could return her tomorrow . The non - Jew went outside and gave me a sharp axe and said this would help me in the forest - - to cut wood for heating , for building , and for protection from animals , and people . The woman gave me cooked food - - warm cereal and warm milk , bread , cheese , potatoes , and matches . I thanked her and went on my way back to the forest to the shack . I tried to go back the way I came and according to the signs I left myself . Within a half an hour , I got to the shack , and I found mother napping by the fire . Mother awakened when I entered , and I gave her the warm food that I brought her . She drank a little of the milk . I told her of the warm heart of the non - Jewess , Manka , and that I left my little sister with her for the night , as she suggested . Mother was happy and we decided that tomorrow mother would come with me to visit my sister in the village . I added some more wood to the fire , and I fell asleep with mother in the shack for the night . The next day , I was busy digging a ditch in the corner of the shack for hiding potatoes for supply , so they would not freeze during the winter . Then I collected some tall weeds and covered them . Then I used the axe to cut some dry wood , and I prepared a pile of wood for heating for the winter . Then I collected some berries . During the afternoon , I took advantage of the nice day and the fall sun , and took off my rags and shook out my clothes from the lice . I took a bucket of water and washed myself a bit . Mother did the same . Thus we prepared ourselves for the visit with the nice non - Jewess , where my sister was . At dark , we went on our way that I already knew , and in a short time , we arrived at the house of Manka . After knocking on the door , and identifying ourselves , she opened the door and received us warmly . My sister jumped and hugged us as if she had not seen us for years . The woman sat us by the oven , and gave us warm and well cooked food . We enjoyed the food . My mother did not stop thanking the woman for her good heart , and thanked her for the suggestion to keep my sister in her house for the winter . The woman said she would teach my sister how to knit while she would sit by the oven during the day . My mother told Manka about her diseases and her suffering . Manka gave us sour milk in a big jug and additional food for storage . After two hours in her house , we said goodbye , thanks , and blessings . When we went out of the house of Manka , my mother suggested that we try to enter the next house in order to fill our supplies for the winter and the snow . We left our bundles by the door and knocked on the door . A tall and thin non - Jewess opened the door , and asked us to enter . Apparently , see also already knew about us . This woman looked very pleasant , and tried to help us to her best ability . She suggested to us to eat . But we thanked her and told her that we had just eaten in another house . After an hour of talking , she gave us potatoes , bread , onions , pickled cucumbers , and cheese . She also gave us some clothes . We thanked her and went one our way . On our way out , we collected our bundles that we left outside , and continued on our way back to the forest . After a short time , we arrived at the shack . We lit the bonfire again , placed the potatoes in the pit that was set up for them , and placed the rest of the food and clothes aside . Then we got ready for a night 's sleep by the bonfire . Thus we continued our daily lives as the winter came closer . The days got gradually shorter and colder . We tried to go to the village as little as possible , but we needed to collect supplies for the winter - - potatoes , matches , salt , and onions , in order that we need not go to the village during the snow . In our surroundings , it was usually very quiet , except for birds chirping , and voices of animals . Nothing usually bothered us . But at any rate , we always listened , and tried not to make unnecessary noises , in order not to stand out . One morning we heard steps of people getting close . I got closer and looked from the shack . I knew it was Avraham , the metal shop worker and his wife . They entered the shack , said hello , and asked how we were getting along . He made a lot of noise and talked a lot . His wife was a lot quieter and smiled from time to time when he talked . He said that he heard for a reliable non - Jew in the village , that there will be an " oblaba " - - searching with tracking dogs of the Germans in the area of the forest of Kerchon . We are quite far from the village , and he did not think that they would get to us . But we must be careful and be very alert . He and his wife were on their way to a distanced area in another direction from the village , on the other side of the railroad tracks . They planned to stay in hiding for a couple of days , until this searching was done . My mother suggested that they take me with them for my safety , and that she stay by herself . This was to lessen the danger for us . Avraham , the metal shop worker , agreed immediately , but I refused to leave my mother by herself . My mother insisted , and convinced me to join the two of them . With tears in my eyes , I left my mother and left her alone . Avraham , the metal shop worker , was at the head , and he left me and his wife farther back . He went into the depths of the forest , getting farther away from the village . In the end , we stopped , and sat down to rest and eat bread and forest berries that we collected . Avraham opened his mouth and began to plan the future out loud . It seemed that he had not exactly decided where we should hide and where we should go . His wife , Chaya , said her opinion that we had gone far enough and that she was tired , and that we should look for a place in the nearby surroundings , in one of the deep groves . Avraham quieted her in an unpleasant manner , and that she shouldn 't give her advice , and that she should totally trust his judgment . His wife , of course , was quiet immediately . He ordered her to continue after him . From time to time , he told us to lie down or stop , and he would listen carefully that he didn 't hear any suspicious noise . Thus the day passed and it began to get dark . It was very windy and the sky was very cloudy . We continued by the same method until we found ourselves by the railroad tracks . Avraham stopped , and told me to cross the tracks by running bent down and to wait for his wife and himself . I did just that . Then his wife crossed the tracks in the same manner and then Avraham . We then continued walking quickly because we were afraid it would start raining . Avraham said nearby there was an isolated house , and about one kilometer from the house , there was a pile of hay under a hay roof . We must steal ourselves to the pile of hay , cover ourselves and stay there for a couple of days . If we were successful doing so without being heard , we could stay there until the searching would be completed . We didn 't think that any one would find us . Within a half hour , we found ourselves before the hay stack . With the help of Avraham , I climbed on the pile first . Then his wife climbed on the pile with Avraham 's help from below and I pulled her up . After joint cooperation , we got on the hay stack , and then Avraham climbed on it . On the top of the pile , we felt the strong wind . We then fell into the hay stack and in that way , we protected ourselves from the cold and the wind . Avraham and his wife had food - - bread , onions , cooked potatoes in their peels , cheese , and drinking water . Avraham gave us a rationed portion of food , and I fell asleep for the night . I didn 't sleep so well because I worried about my mother and my sister , each of them far away from me . That night it rained heavily and there were strong winds . By morning , the rain stopped a bit and the winds calmed down , but it was very cold and the sky was very cloudy . Avraham said soon heavy snow would fall . We were at the beginning of the month of January 1943 . Very shortly , snow began to fall , and the surroundings were totally white . According to Avraham , the change of weather will affect the accessibility of the Germans to the area . If they haven 't done their searching as of yet , they will not do so in the days to come . Therefore , he planned that we get off the pile of hay when it became dark , and that we continue on our way in the forest , to our living quarters . On the way , we shall enter some houses of non - Jews in the village and collect food , and we will know if the Germans did their search . We got down from the hay stack and walked quickly . We had to walk slowly at the beginning , because our feet had fallen asleep because we were under the hay stack all night . Avraham said it was good that we continued because the snow would cover the hay stack tonight , if we continued staying there . We arrived at the railroad tracks , crossed them by running , and got close to the houses of the village of Kerchon . Avraham suggested that he and his wife enter one of the houses , and that I enter another house , and that we meet near the last shack by the forest . He who came first would wait for the others , and that we should not stay more than an hour in the village . Thus it was . I knocked on a door and after identifying myself as a poor orphan , they let me in . An elderly Polish woman stood at the entrance of the house . When she saw that I was frozen and very poor , she let me in her house quickly , and closed the door . She sat me down by a warm oven . The house was warm and pleasant , and her family sat around the table , four men , women , and their children . The non - Jewess figured out who I was and without asking too many questions , she gave me warm cereal and other warm food . After I finished the large bowl of cereal , someone else offered me warm milk , and I finished it without any trouble . When I finished eating , they were all surprised that I ate so much . I told them for almost two days I hadn 't eaten , and before that , I mostly ate baked potatoes . I answered their questions about my mother and my sister , without saying that my sister was staying with a non - Jewess in the village . The old woman prepared for me food for the way - - potatoes , cooked meat , and pickled cucumbers . They gave me dry rags for rapping my feet . The others were wet and worn out . I thanked them and continued on my way . It was very dark outside . I heard dogs barking and wolves whining . The snow continued to fall , and I moved toward the shack we decided to meet at . When I got near the shack , I heard a whistle in another direction , and I moved toward it . Then I ran into Avraham and his wife . We continued into the forest , and Avraham asked me how I was received in the house I went to . He was surprised that they received me so well , because he said this family was not usually so nice , at least to him . As we continued to walk , Avraham continued to tell us what happened to him one night , when he ran into a family of wolves . He got them to leave when he lit a bit of dry wood , which he always kept with him . Of course , the fire acted very well , and caused the wolves to leave immediately . He heard that the wolves preyed on a dog of one of the villagers that night . He explained the great importance of not walking in the snow in order to prevent leaving tracks . We must be careful and not to eat too much , and not go to the village in any circumstances . If one must go to the village , we should do it during a snow storm , because the tracks get covered . We should cover up our tracks at any rate . After a half an hour walk , he explained to me the way to my mother 's shack , and told me how to go . He said he and his wife will go their way . He reminded me to be careful and hide my tracks . I continued on my way by myself . There was a snow storm , and it was very dark . I ran into a branch here and there , but I continued with all my strength . I was anxious to see my mother and to know how she was . I wanted to be with her . Avraham 's stories about the wolves scared me , but I continued on my way . After walking a half of an hour , I found myself near the shack . I entered inside , and found my mother sleeping with the bonfire almost out . I lit the bonfire again , and then my mother woke up , and I gave a bit of the food I brought . She ate a bit , and I told her my story , and what happened when I was gone . My mother complained of the cold , and how her whole body was aching . I put the food supplies in the pit . I warmed some water by melting snow in a can I had , and gave mother something warm to drink . I added wood to the fire , and then I put mother and myself to sleep , wrapped in rags that we had . Our backs were to the fire , and they were warm . But the front part of us was very cold . But we comforted ourselves that another night of tribulations had passed . The cold outside became worse . The snow storms would come back , and the piles of snow around the shack would get higher . It was hard work to shovel the snow in front of the shack so we could have a passage . We continued our daily routine , and we made sure that the bonfire was always lit , for heat and for baking potatoes , our major form of food . The supplies of the other food were finished during the days we couldn 't go to the village . For drinking water , every morning we broke some ice that was above the water pit . In order to warm ourselves , we would boil the warm water in the can that we had , and drink the warm water . That helped us warm ourselves , because it got colder every day . We rationed ourselves potatoes , so they would last this long period of the winter . We hoped the weather would improve . Mother was very weak , and the cold was very difficult for her . She suffered from heartburn and constipation , which got worse as the week past . We were worried by the situation . Our supply of matches was running out . We tried our best to keep the fire going all the time , but it burned out sometimes , and we would have to use the matches to light the fire again . Mother warned me that we shouldn 't fall asleep at the same time , in order that one could watch that the fire wouldn 't go out . She said people fall asleep when it is very cold , and could freeze to death while sleeping . She asked me to awaken her from time to time , and she did the same with me . It happened from time to time that we fell asleep at the same time , because we were weak and exhausted , from lack of healthy food , and because of the intense cold . One morning we woke up frozen , the fire went down , and we had very few potatoes , and very few matches . After a few tries to light the fire which were not successful , we were half frozen , hungry , and isolated from the outside world because of the snow storm outside . Mother stood with my help , and we tried to move our limbs by walking in the shack in order to relive our frozen limbs . We decided we must find a way to the village to get more food and matches , or we would be " lost " . Our problem was how to find the way to the village as all the paths and roads to the village were covered with snow , and there were no signs . Also we were weak , hungry , and half frozen . It was very difficult for us to walk in the snow . But at any rate , we took our bundles , my axe , and went on our way . The walking was very difficult , and half of our body was covered with snow . My mother and I felt our feet freezing , especially our foot soles . We moved our feet , as if we were moving logs . We walked as if our feet were artificial . I would have to pick up my mother from time to time . We continued at a very slow pace . We noticed that it began to get dark , and we didn 't see any sign of the village . In usual times , it took a half an hour or an hour to get to the village . With our last strength , we got to a pine grove . I recognized the area , and I knew that in this grove there was a shack . I left mother to sit , and I tried to find the shack , trying to push myself through the thick pine grove filled with snow . After many efforts and trial with my axe , I got into the grove , but I didn 't find the shack . It got dark , and I returned to my mother , who sat bundled up and asleep amongst the snow storm and the intense cold . I woke her up , and reminded her of what she had told me - - that it is forbidden to fall asleep in the cold , and that we could die . My mother answered that it didn 't really matter , and that she is going to die . I broke out crying , and begged her not to fall asleep . I suggested to her that I would go in the direction of the village , because it seems that we are close to it . My mother remained sitting by herself , and I wrapped her as well as I could with the rags I had . With the last of my strength , I went in the direction of the village . Even though it was dark , I found the correct direction , and I found myself near the houses of the village . I went to the closest house , knocked on the door , and the tall good - hearted woman who was the neighbor of Manka opened the door . When she saw how frozen and poor I was , she crossed herself several times and cried . She took me in and got me close to the fire . I told her that I couldn 't feel my feet . She took off the rags that were on my frozen feet , and rubbed them with snow until I began to feel them again . She then rubbed pig fat on them and told me to put them near the fire and warm them slowly . She gave me warm milk and warm , cooked food . Before I began eating , I began to cry and told the woman about my mother 's state and where she was situated . I asked her to give me something warm to drink , matches , and some food , so I could go quickly to my mother . The woman convinced me to finish eating , and she would in the meantime prepare what I requested . She prepared for me new rags for my feet with dry hay and I put them on . My feet and the rest of my body were a lot better after the warm meal . I was very worried about my mother , and I hurried to bring to her what I had . I put my bundles on my back , which included a bottle of warm milk . I ran to my mother . The warmth of the milk bottle bothered me , and I put it on the ground for a short period of time in order to switch hands . But the milk of the bottle spilled when I placed it on the ground . I felt very bad , and I wrestled with myself to go back to the woman and ask for more warm milk , or to hurry to the forest to my mother . I decided to go to my mother as I was already very far from the house . After a half an hour , I found my mother . I gave her the bread , cheese , and cooked potatoes . But mother barely ate it . I collected some branches , and lit a bonfire . I collected logs that I cut with my axe . The fire got stronger . Mother recovered a bit , and we hoped to last until morning , and then find the shack in the grove . Shortly it was dawn . I collected some more wood , and increased the fire , without worrying that we would be seen or heard , because if I didn 't , we would freeze . I made a huge fire , and placed my mother nearby , once with her back to the fire and once with her face to the fire , in order to warm her . I went in the direction of the grove , and very soon I found the shack . I returned to my mother , and dragged her with all my strength in the direction of the shack . She could not stand on her feet . After a short time , I was able to get mother into the shack . It was as cold inside as it was outside . I took all of our belongings , and with my axe , I collected a pile of dry branches , and made a fire in a special tin in the shack that was made by Avraham , the metal shop worker . It was an old bucket that stood upside down with its opening toward the ground . On its lower part was an opening for placing the wood and lighting the fire . Lower down there was an opening for ventilation . On its upper part , there was a pipe chimney through the roof of the shack to the outside . I was able to light the fire and the tin bucket was very hot . Thus we were able to get warm . I quickly melted snow in a tin and boiled water . My mother drank from the hot water , and tasted a bit of the food I brought . I thought she was getting a little better . I took off the rags from her feet , and took care of them the way the non - Jewess took care of my feet . I rubbed her feet with snow , and dried the rags on our hot " heater " , and wrapped her feet . My mother said that she didn 't feel her feet at all . She asked me to let her fall asleep . I promised her that I would keep the fire going . I went outside to prepare a supply of branches for the fire . When I came back with the supply of wood , I saw her snoring and making strange distortions , opening and closing her eyes . I ran to her and screamed : " Mother , mother ! " I gave her warm water in the tin . She drank a bit , and recovered a bit . She said she almost died , and it was forbidden for me to bother on her deathbed . I began crying and begged her to recover . She promised that she would make all the efforts to recover . Thus another day passed in which we had a roof over us . I tried not to fall asleep , as I saw my mother 's situation was getting worse from minute to minute . I gave her warm water from time to time . At dawn , my mother began to convulse again , I tried to help her , but I didn 't know what to do . My mother mumbled all sorts of names that had no relation to one another . She mentioned my father 's name , my brother 's name , her father 's name , her mother 's name , and other names of family members . Then there were no more signs of life and her eyes opened . I began to cry very strongly , and tried to call " mother , mother , wake up ! Don 't leave me alone , please , mommy . " I kissed her and hugged her with all my strength , and I felt that her body was cold and hard . I placed her head on the ground , and covered her face with rags . I lowered my head , and began to cry about her fate and my fate . An hour later , I uncovered her face to see if there was a miracle and that she was alive , but to no avail . I began to think what I must do now . I decided that I must turn to Manka 's house and get advice on what to do , as I didn 't know where the rest of the Jews were . I left the shack that I had entered with my mother . The snow storm calmed down outside , and the clouds dispersed . But it was very cold outside . But the sun was shinning and it warmed me up a bit . I sighed and thought why my mother couldn 't have reached this moment , so she could enjoy the sunrays . I continued on my way to the village during the day without thinking of the dangers involved in this . I arrived at the edge of the forest and I stopped and looked around well ahead and to the sides to see if there were any suspicious people . I didn 't see anything exceptional but some farmers near their homes . I ran quickly to Manka ' a house , and in the courtyard , I met Manka 's husband . He was surprised to see me in the middle of the day . He quickly placed me in the threshing floor and told me to wait and he would go to call for his wife . His wife appeared . Manka , the compassionate and good , comforted me . She asked me not to go in the house and not to tell my sister at this point . She promised that she would find the Jews of the forest as soon as possible and tell them what happened . Then they would bury my mother . She gave me some food and told me to return to the forest and wait for the Jews . I of course did what she requested . Quickly and carefully I went back to the forest , to the shack , where my mother died a few hours earlier . Even though I was sure that my mother was dead , I went up to her body again , took off the covering on her face to see if there were any vital signs of life . But I realized the bitter reality . I sat and waited for the Jews to come to help me to bury my mother . Suddenly , I heard voices come near . I went outside of the shack , and saw the two Avrahams , two other men , and Rabbi Pesa . Avraham Hakerchoni hugged me and tried to calm me down . It seems that Manka 's husband knew of the hiding place of Avraham Hakerchoni and the rest . He called him to leave the hiding place , and told him that he had something important to tell him . Since Avraham trusted him and knew his voice , he came out of the house and he told him about my mother 's death . Avraham told me all of this , and that he would organize the rest , and they would take care of the burial . We went a bit away from the shack , and in the same grove found an iceberg that was a bit high . One of the men , a relative of Avraham Hakerchoni , by the name of Yosef , had knowledge about the burial laws . He decided on the place of the grave . Then they began to remove the snow . After that , they dug . At the beginning , the progress was slow , as the upper layer of earth was frozen . But later , the earth was sandy , and the digging moved along quickly . They finished digging the hole , they cut poles of wood to cover the body , and they set up a framework in the hole . Then they entered the shack and took the body of my mother who was wrapped in her rags , and lowered it into the grave . The dark , knowledgeable fellow said a prayer and then I said Kaddish . The grave was covered . They placed a wide pole on it with its upper part divided and on it my mother 's name - - Mrs . Tibel Prishkolnik , the daughter of Rabbi David Tzukermin from Brozna . Avraham Hakerchoni hugged me and tried to calm me down . He began moving me away from my mother 's grave . He moved the rest of the people away . He said from this moment on , my sister and I will be together with him and his wife , and will be under his and his wife , Bluma 's , auspices . What happens to him and his wife , also happens to us . When we got close to their living quarters , which was very close to our shack and to my mother 's grave , Avraham , the metal shop worker , gave orders how to make access to the shack . He organized us in single file and commanded us to go after Rabbi Pesa , and to leave a minimum of tracks . He and Avraham Hakerchoni were at the end of the line , and they had in their hands containers with snow for covering up our tracks . Thus in a short time , we arrived at their shack , and here we found Bluma , Chanah - - the daughter of Pesa from Kazimirka and his granddaughter , Zelda , and Chaya , the wife of Avraham , the metal shop worker . All of them pitied me and tried to comfort me . They tried to analyze the reason for my mother 's death . Most of them claimed that the main reason was that she was sick from before , and her general weakness didn 't allow her to withstand the intense cold . Therefore , she died . Perhaps , maybe it was for the best . Who knows what hardships are before us ? Bluma fed me and said that I should lie down to rest on the bed of rags near the fire . The rest of the Jews that were present at my mother 's burial , were close to Avraham Hakerchoni and even they were from Kerchon . There was a mother , a son , a daughter , and brother - in - law , Yosef , who the one who was well versed in the burial laws . He also said to me : please remember today is the first of February , 1943 - - the day of the death of your mother . The relations between Avraham and especially his wife with his relatives were very bad . Therefore , they hid out in a different part of the forest and had nothing to do with the relatives . Avraham Hakerchoni knew where they lived . Therefore , he invited them to be present during my mother 's burial . During the first week in their shack , they didn 't let me do anything . I sat most of the time in front of the hot oven , and they would give me baked potatoes and onions from time to time . Everyone liked me , and Bluma and Chanah especially took care of me . Thus the grey daily routine continued in the shack , which was warm enough . From time to time , I would go out to collect dry branches for heating , and would put in and take out potatoes from the ashes of the fire , at the bottom of the heater . Part of what we would do during the day was to take care of our clothes - - looking for lice and killing them , or shaking our clothes over the bonfire . The lice were very bad . In addition to the fact that we had very little food , the lice sucked the last of our blood without mercy , and they multiplied , and got fat on our expense . From time to time , arguments would break out between Avraham , the metal shop worker and Rabbi Pesa about Avraham 's exaggeration with regard to his strange ideas and his carefulness about camouflaging our tracks . Sometimes the situation would get so " hot " , that only Bluma and the wife of Avraham , the metal shop worker , could calm them down . From discussions I heard , I found out that near Milinsk , there was a large group of Jews , amongst them Jews from Stepan and Bronza . They were hiding in the forests of the Ukrainian village of Brono . Pesa said he knew the non - Jews of the village , but didn 't trust them too much . He thought that there was danger of destruction of the Jews there , if they didn 't escape soon . About two weeks after I was staying in Avraham Hakerchoni 's shack , on a night of a heavy snow storm , he suggested taking me to see my sister . He said we should take extra clothing and some food . We were on our way . We arrived at Manka 's house very quickly . We entered the house after knocking on the door , and identifying ourselves . Manka received us warmly and with compassion . She called my sister . We hugged each other , and I broke out in a bitter cry . I told my sister what happened to our mother . My sister joined the crying . Manka calmed us down , and promised to continue keeping my sister until the intense cold passed . But , if I wanted , I could take her with me to the forest . I agreed to this and thanked her . Manka 's husband and she criticized the Jews in the forest again for not helping us , and that they didn 't let us join them in the days of intense cold . Avraham Hakerchoni tried to justify their actions because of their fear of tracks and noise of too large of a group . But the Poles were not convinced and continued to claim that this shame would not be forgiven . Avraham was offended , hurried to leave , and promised to meet me at the entrance to the forest in an hour . Manka hurried to prepare a good warm meal for us , gave me some clothes to switch my worn out and dirty clothes , and gave me a supply of food . I thanked her for everything , and sat with my sister , sad and depressed , by the heater . We brought up to idea that from now on , we were lonely orphans without someone to lean on . We could only lean on each other . I , as the older brother , took on the responsibility for her existence in all conditions and circumstances . I told her that when spring comes , Avraham Hakerchoni and his wife will separate from the rest of the group . Avraham will help me build a new shack in a place he would choose . Then she could join me and we could live together . My sister claimed , with tears in her eyes , that she was impatiently waiting for that moment , even though she felt good with Manka and that they were very nice to her . Then I took my bundles , and separated from my sister with a kiss . I thanked Manka again and turned to meet Avraham . At the edge of the forest , Avraham Hakerchoni waited for me and we continued on our way to our living quarters . The snow continued to fall and covered our tracks . But near the shack , Avraham covered our tracks . I walked first , and he after me , spreading snow from his container in his hand in order to cover up our tracks . We returned to the shack and continued with our grey routine . The days passed and we felt that it was less cold , and that the weather got better . We could get enjoyment from time to time from the sunrays and its warmth - - the end of the winter and the beginning of the spring . At the beginning of April , we had another occupation , and that was milking the white and erect birch trees . It was enough to make a groove in the bottom of the trunk of the tree . Then sweet sap would drip out of the groove . It was so tasty - - sweet water . Since the dripping was slow in general , we would place near the groove in the trunk of the tree a thin branch , and then the drops would drop into the bucket . This caused us much enjoyment . I was an expert at this , and I The Inner Struggles of the Survivors The nights were not always so calm . From time to time , I would hear the discussions of Avraham Hakerchoni . and his wife , Bluma , as a slept nearby them . The arguments would get stronger and they would accuse one another for losing their children in the Holocaust . She would accuse him that he didn 't return to the ghetto on the day of the escape in order to look for their children who were staying with Bluma 's mother . He and she , it appeared to me , worked outside of the ghetto of Brazna . There the two children stayed with Bluma 's mother . Avraham would explain that there was no reason to return to the ghetto , because when they heard the rumor of the destruction of the ghetto , the ghetto was already being destroyed . He would have only risked his life , without even saving his children . The argument would always end in heavy sighing and crying by both of them . This of course caused me to think of all that we had gone through at the time of escaping the ghetto . This caused me horrible nightmares . At the beginning of the spring , the rain caused the snow to melt . There were only , here and there , islands of snow left . The chirping of the birds and the clearing of the sky made it clear to us that spring was beginning . This encouraged us a bit , at least life would be a bit easier without the intense cold , and the terrible problem with the tracks of our feet . Avraham Hakerchoni and I went to work building a new shack . Avraham was a man of great energy , and of great ability to improvise . I tried to help him to the best of my ability , with carpentry of the wood , and cutting and taking down branches . We worked all day straight through , with short breaks for eating . After one day of hard work , a large shack stood hidden amongst the many trees of the forest . Thus we continued a whole week and improved the shack , including making a roof covering of branches and earth , and straightening the floor inside and making furniture . Also , there was a double bed in one corner for Avraham and his wife , a second double bed , a dining table , and a hole for water . The beds were not connected by nails as we had none , but by tying soft branches , and straps from the bark of trees . Everything was strong and stable . Close to the shack , we dug a wide hole for storing potatoes and other vegetables . With the help of Avraham , the metal shop worker , we built a heater from old metal that Avraham Hakerchoni once brought from the village . The heater was wide and had a chimney with a shield to prevent sparks from spreading in the night . After finishing the work , we cleaned the shack , spilled white sand on the floor , and cleaned the courtyard before the shack . Our new house was ready . The next day we moved things over and about noontime we said goodbye to the others . Bluma came to live with us in the new shack . Avraham Hakerchoni was very proud of his work , and he really did a very good job . Bluma was satisfied . Avraham said that if everything went well , they will have a new baby soon , and pointed to the place in the shack where they would place the cradle . The baby should be born in the summer and this would make it easier to take care of him . Bluma said it was too soon to talk about it , and they shouldn 't discuss this . From time to time , we would go to the village to supply ourselves with food , and enjoy a warm meal . My left big toe was frozen and hurt me a lot . On one of our visits at the non - Jewess in the village , I complained about the pain on the toe of my foot , and she suggested I take off the rags on my foot . She brought for me a bowl of hot water . I placed my sore foot in the water and it seemed that my foot had begun to rot . The non - Jewess brought a clean and soft cloth and cleaned the toe carefully . She made a bandage with non - salty pig fat . She also suggested that I come to her from time to time so she could take care of the toe , and not to neglect the toe , otherwise it would get worse . I thanked her a lot , and returned with Avraham Hakerchoni to the forest . One time I asked from Bluma and Avraham to bring my sister back to the forest , as I had agreed with Manka . I felt a need for this for several reasons : 1 ) I felt myself very lonely since my mother died , and 2 ) even though I knew she was doing fine with Manka , I understood that sitting by the heater for days on was not too comfortable . Since the spring had arrived , she would enjoy being a " free " bird in the underground , along with her brother . I took into account that she would feel good with Avraham and Bluma in the new house . On one of my visits to the village , I came to Manka , and I told her that I was ready to take my sister to the forest . I thanked her very much for all that they had done for her during the winter . Manka gave me a warm meal as usual , and took care of the sore on my foot . Since the toe didn 't look too good , she decided not to put anymore pig fat on it , but a special leaf from the house plants . She cleaned the sore well and made a new bandage . She gave me a supply of leaves to use when I changed the bandage from time to time . Manka gave my sister a lot of used clothes . My sister kissed the family goodbye , and we then turned to the forest . Bluma and Avraham received her with open arms , and Bluma explained to her the way of life in the forest . My sister said she would help in the upkeep of the house . My sister began to get used to the life in the forest . I think she felt less lonely since she was with me . Bluma taught her to prepare potato soup with onions and garlic . She was busy with the tasks of the house . She would fix her clothes and also my clothes . On the nice days , we would take off our clothes and wash them . We would boil them in boiling water in order to get rid of the lice . Then we would wash them from time to time in warm water . But we never got rid of the lice . We would be more successful sometimes and would prevent the lice from spreading . My sister helped Bluma prepare diapers and the rest of the things for the baby to be born . Thus we continued our lives . I left my sister in the forest , and at night would go to the village by myself . During the day , we would go out to pick mushrooms , under the supervision of Bluma who could distinguish between poisonous and edible ones . We would cook the mushrooms in the potato soup - - which would make our usual potato soup a little different . The Danger of the Bandrovechim in the Forest and Taking Precautions Avraham Hakerchoni returned one evening from a visit in the village and told a horrible story of how Bandrovechim , National Ukrainian partisans , assaulted Jews who were in the forest near Milinsk - Broni . The Poles told Avraham that the activity of the Ukrainian Nationalists was increasing . They were rebelling against the German rule and formed an independent government in Stepan . The Poles , who were very worried from this growing activity , began to organize themselves for self defense , and increased the guard duty at night . All these things concerned us greatly . It was known that the Ukrainian Bandrovechim were even more cruel than the Germans . There was a new danger upon us - - perhaps they were in the forest in our area . We took some precautions - - being more quiet and camouflaging our living quarters even better . One time we went in a different way in order not to form paths or tracks . One morning Avraham , the metal shop worker , and his wife , Chaya , appeared . This was the first surprise visit in our new shack . Avraham , the metal shop worker , opened with a story of the results of the assault of the Bandrovechim on the Jews near the Milinsk . According to him , the nationalist Ukrainians murdered five Jews , among them children and women . The rest of them , who escaped , got to our forest and some of them are hiding in the houses of good non - Jews in Milinsk . Avraham described the present situation as very serious , and he brought plans how to flee from this area , and to prevent a concentration of too many Jews together . According to him , we were about a hundred people . Bluma began to argue with him , claiming that there was no logic in changing our place . Actually here , near Kerchon , it seems safer , because the Bandrovechim will not dare to get near here because of their fear of the Polish defense , unless they plan to attack the whole village . If this was the case , we would have heard of this from the Poles . Avraham , the metal shop worker , suggested a plan of observation by sitting on trees in the area , from a certain distance from our living quarters , to observe , and to warn if there was any danger approaching . It was decided by Avraham Hakerchoni and Avraham , the metal shop worker , to make a meeting with all the men who are now in the forest . Thus , there was such a meeting with the new Jews who escaped the area of Milinsk . Amongst them stood out a tall and skinny fellow by the name of Francis . It seemed that he had initiative and was very forceful . There were men from the Katz family , the Brier brothers , Benyamin , Yosele , and Shalom . There were several fellows from Stepan - - Shimon , the red head , the son of the baker , the brothers from Korost - - Yosel , Mania , Aharon , and Avraham . Chana , the daughter of Nahman Shenker from Stepan , was also amongst them . There were also two girls from Sarni , the wife of the doctor with her young daughter from Brazna , along with several other men from Brazna . But I knew very little about them except children stories and knowing the Tzukerman family and that they had known my mother very well . Francis explained that we must divide into two groups for two reasons : 1 ) so that we would make less noise and tracks , and 2 ) in the case of a capturing , we all won 't be captured at once . He claimed that he had a rifle and revolver and some more weapons for self protection in the worst case . He explained that in the case of shots , we must lie down on the floor , and it is best in back of a heavy trunk of a tree or in the back of a hill . With regard to the idea of Avraham , the metal shop worker , about observation from the trees , he tended to accept the suggestion partially . He said we should have patrols every couple of hours during the day and at night for checking the situation and for warning . He suggested that we should be as quiet as possible . In summary , the first suggestion of dividing the camp into two was accepted and to keep good communication between them . It was decided that Francis , his wife Mindel , her old mother , her brother and his wife , who was also Francis 's sister , would live nearby us . The Katz family , the father , the oldest brother , Zerech , the young brother , the oldest sister , and the two younger sisters , Faysa Hanah and his granddaugher , Avraham , the metal shop worker , and his wife , and the rest , including , the girls from Sarni , the doctor 's wife and her daughter from Brazna , and the other Jews from Brazna and Milinsk would live farther away , in a second area . We continued our lives as our fears of every leaf moving were great and very strenuous on our nerves . Every day we would hear rumors , and new and horrible stories . We continued in the same manner to collect food from the village , as the appearance of the Germans in the village was not very probable . From the stories of the Poles , we learned that the situation of the Germans on the Russian front was worse and they began to retreat . Along with this , there was the activity of the partisans , who supported the Russians on one hand and the Ukrainian Nationalists on the other hand . They told us that the Germans were planning a big revenge action on the Ukrainians in Stepan . There was a rumor that when the Ukrainians rebelled in Stepan recently , they hung several Germans from the government in Stepan on phone poles . These stories encouraged us , and especially the rumor of the retreat of the Germans and their fall in Russia , and the possibility of revenge of the Germans against the Ukrainians . All this gave us a little hope , that perhaps we would be redeemed one of these days . This was in spite of the fact that the news was general and not usually based on fact . Along with all the fears that were caused because of the situation , I had self confidence based on the fact that we had a reinforcement of Jews - - strong men with some weapons that they possessed . We would meet with them often and listen to discussions , arguments , prophesies , and evaluations about our chances of getting through the war and being free soon . We found friends who were orphans , and we would go out together and collect mushrooms and forest berries . One morning , Avraham Hakerchoni returned from a patrol in the forest , and he announced to us that he met a Jew , a person he knew from Korost , his wife , her sisters , and her brother . It was apparently Rafael , the partisan , who could tell that he was the leader of the partisans , and he has different and strange plans about how to deal with the Germans . According to him , he had a secret connection with the headquarters . I knew the truth from his wife , and from his sisters , and especially from his little sister Devora ( Devorke ) who said that he had escaped from a group of Ukrainian partisans who turned into Ukrainian Nationalists . herefore , he is in our area . afael would be by himself for hours , even for days , as he would tell about the meetings with the partisans , and terrorist acts on railroad tracks and German installations . ost of the Jews of the forest belittled these stories and thought they were only in his imagination . nce he pointed to a square package that was placed near him , and said this was terrorist material that would soon be activated , and would blow up another train of the Germans . The summer was coming to an end and time for the harvest : the grain crops , the fruits , and the field crops were ripe . On one of our visits to the village , it became known to us that the Ukrainian Nationalists raided the Polish villages in the area of Stepan , killed , robbed , and burned . The residents of the village , being surrounded by Ukrainians , were afraid for their future , and decided to evacuate the village as early as possible , and to move to one of the nearby cities . This was according to the recommendation of the Germans , who said that when they are on the front , they could not promise to protect them . And so , after a few days , the Poles began to evacuate their village . We said goodbye to them , and especially to Manka and to the rest of the good people , with tears in our eyes . They tried to give us utensils and clothes , and said everything that was left in the fields , in their houses , and in their barns was ours , and we should use it . And thus it was . As soon as the Poles left the village , we began to take care of ourselves with regard to food supplies for the winter . It was the time to collect from the fields . Almost everything was left in the fields and a lot in their houses as they left in a hurry . It was known to us that Ukrainians from the nearby villages would visit . Therefore , we made our visits in the evening or at night . In our hiding places in the forest , we set up huge wooden barrels from the village , and we filled them with wheat and rye grains , after threshing , drying , and cleaning . By the shack , we set up a millstone with great difficulty , which we brought with a small cart that we pulled from the village to the forest . We also brought a mortar and a pestle from wood for grinding the oily grain after drying in the sun or by the fire . On one of our visits , we discovered a barrel with salty preserved cheese and we took it to the forest . We dug two huge holes and filled them with potatoes and carrots , and covered them with hay and sand so they would keep for the winter and would not freeze . When fall arrived , we had collected for ourselves a supply of potatoes , wheat and rye grains , onions , garlic , some preserved cheese , pickled cucumbers and cabbage , oil grains , beans , and some salt . All the others Jewish residents of the forest did the same . At the beginning of the evacuation , we caught a bull that had run off to the forest . Mr . Pessa , the butcher , took care of slaughtering of the bull and dividing the meat to everyone . It was enough for several weeks . One day , Bluma had to give birth . With the help of several Jewish women , she gave birth , and they named him Peretz ( Perchik ) . We had a new member to our shack who was happily received with much love . But we were worried that his crying could be heard by the enemy . But we were comforted by the fact that the fall winds got stronger and would make more noise than the baby 's cry . The conditions for taking care of the baby were not good , but we tried our best . As far as I remember , there were a few more births in the forest , and the babies grew up in the conditions of the underground . There were two tragedies . A Jew from Brazna was shot while taking potatoes out of the field near the railroad tracks . We did not know if the bullets were from the Germans or from the Ukrainians . In the evening , he was brought to the forest and was buried by my mother . My mother 's grave turned into the cemetery . The other case was Rafael , the partisan , who disappeared or was kidnapped . When he went to the village early in the morning in order to collect fruit , with his wife 's little sister , Devorke , she returned to the forest by herself and told how she saw him being taken by two strong unknown men who spoke Ukrainian . She saw how they tied his hands in back of him , how he was blindfolded , and led away . She was told to go back immediately to the forest . She arrived running and out of breath . She told the story of what happened to Rafael , while crying . His wife and the rest of his family were very sad , and this worried the rest of the Jews in the forest . There were several hypotheses : 1 ) since they were Bandrovechim , they knew there were Jews in the forest and looked for them in order to kill them , and 2 ) if they were Russian partisans , they would let him go , or they would try him on some crime . This was very difficult for us . We hoped to see him one day . But the days passed and we heard nothing from him . It was clear that he was killed . One morning , we heard great explosions from the area of Stepan . We guessed that they were the bombings of the Germans , and we were glad that they were avenging the cruel Ukrainians , blood thirsty , who murdered and robbed the Jews along with the Poles . The houses of the Poles looked like the houses of the Jews when they entered the ghetto . They were destroyed , looted , destroyed doors and windows , and even houses . That is what they did in the village of Kerchon . Along with all the worries and difficulties , we continued to supply ourselves with food and wood for heating in the winter that was approaching . In the evening , by the bonfire , we would ground the grain on the millstone , and store it in bags . We cleaned and sifted the beans , the onions , and the garlic . After drying it , we would store it . The High Holidays of 1943 arrived . The services were held near Mr . Katz 's shack . I remember very well the services of Yom Kippur . We were the whole day outside by the shack , we prayed , and listened to the adult prayers . But we also listened to any noise , being afraid that someone was coming near us . Our situation got worse because of the many Bandrovechim . But on the other hand , we had a feeling that the Germans were falling and that our redemption was near . There was a great desire to pass this and remain alive - - to avenge what was done to us . Yom Kippur passed and everyone went back to their shacks . A very sad and worrisome case took place . From the direction of the other concentration of Jews in the forest , we heard shooting . After a short while , several fellows came to us after escaping . They told us of the story of the attack of the Bandrovechim and how they captured the Jews . This caused great panic , and it was decided to leave everything and move over to the grove near the railroad tracks of Sarny - Rovno . We thought that the Bandrovechim would not dare get close to the railroad tracks because of their fear of the Germans and that the Germans , being worried with their defeat and afraid of getting involved with the partisans , would not enter the forest to search . That same night we fled to the railroad tracks , and we assembled , everyone with their bundles in their hands . We were very careful to be quiet , and not to make a bonfire during the day and the night . When we did light a fire , we made sure that no sparks were in the air by using fitting wood . It was decided that the real solution was to start digging large living quarters , deep in the ground , which would be covered by logs , branches , and earth . In this large shack , all the Jews who remained were to live . Therefore , a collective building effort began , organized and managed by Avraham Hakerchoni and Avraham , the metal shop worker . In the meantime , the rest of the Jews were found and nothing bad had happened to them . There were those who the Bandovechim caught . But they only wanted to know where the rest of the Jews were and if they had a connection with the partisans . In the end , they let them go and said that they were invited to live in Stepan , along with the rest of the Jews of the forest . They claimed that they needed craftsmen , and there must be some amongst the Jews . They claimed that the Jews of Stepan had lives of their own with all the rights and that Stepan has been under independent Ukrainian rule for some time . They suggested that we decide within a week to come of our own freewill , and that would be best . If not , they would bring us to Stepan against our will , as it is for the best . This seemed to us very strange , and there were arguments amongst us . There were a few who tended to believe the Ukrainians , but most didn 't believe them , and understood that this was a trap in order to kill the remaining Jews in a total manner . But we picked several fellows to go to Stepan and to see the reality there . We , seventy people - - men , women , and some babies - - crowded ourselves in the huge underground shack . We didn 't light the fire during the day , only at night . During the day , it was freezing , as the winter arrived . At night we warmed ourselves by the heater and baked potatoes . The crowding was horrible and made life very difficult . But it seemed that the suffering was on the way to redemption . After a day after the men left for Stepan , they returned very frightened , as they met a non - Jew from one of the villages who asked them where they were going . After they told him their story , he asked to come with them to the forest . Later he told them that the story of the Bandrovechim taking care of the Jews was a lie , and that they shouldn 't go to Stepan . He also told them that the front was getting closer , and it seems that within a month the Russians will be here . If we had lasted this long , we should hold on a little longer and hide , because the day of freedom is near . He said that we shouldn 't worry about the Bandrovechim because they are busy hiding from the Russians who are getting closer . He was really the messenger of G - d , one of the righteous men of the nations of the world . The fellows returned to us and told us what " the guardian angel " told them . Then we decided that we should get organized where we were , and that we should get as much food as possible , without moving when the snow began in order to prevent tracks in the snow . None of Your Honey and None of Your Sting One day , after we succeeded to organize most of the supply of food and even to grind flour , Avraham Hakerchoni decided to go out with me to the other side of the railroad tracks . There were a few abandoned houses of Poles . These houses were not far from a village of Ukrainians who were known for their cruelty . Bluma tried to convince us not to go , but Avraham said he would carry this out , because of his stubbornness . We left at dawn . Outside it was still dark , and by the early morning hours , we reached the houses . It looked very abandoned and it seemed that the Ukrainian neighbors had stolen most of the things , including doors and windows that were taken down from the houses . Avraham found by one of the houses a beehive . He decided that he wanted the honey . He knew that he had to take precautions against possible bee stings . He knew from experience the use of smoke , and the possibility of flooding with water . Since smoke would reveal us , Avraham decided to equip ourselves with many different rags , and cover our bodies including our faces , so that we had air to breath , and try to overcome the bees by flooding with water . Thus we did , but we were attacked by the bees , and I felt that that were penetrating past the rags and that they were stinging my whole body . Avraham felt the same thing . After we poured buckets of water into the first beehive , Avraham suggested that we retreat and clean ourselves from the bees . We cleaned ourselves from the bees and saw that we had been stung on our whole bodies . But Avraham was stubborn to get the honey . After a short rest , we moved toward the hive that we had flooded again , and began to take pieces of wax that were full of honey . We filled our buckets , and we were stung again , but continued with our work . We placed the honey in back of the trees . We looked for large containers to carry it back . We found two large milk jugs , we cleaned them with water , and began to fill them with honey , as we separated the honey from the wax in order to save room . After we tasted the honey , it gave us the desire to get additional amounts of honey . Very carefully , while looking out to see that the Ukrainians from the neighboring village did not see us , we continued with our work , as we did the first time . We were successful in filling two jugs with honey , which only needed to be strained and purified . We got stung again , but we were already immune . We moved away from the houses and from the hives in the direction of the grove in the forest , and we planned to rest until the sun set , and then to pass the railroad tracks in the direction of the shack . We lied down to rest and licked the honey , but the pain from the bee stings increased , and I saw how Avraham looked and how I felt . We were swelling up from minute to minute . My eyes swelled up , and I barely could see anything . In the meantime , the sun set . Avraham found a strong branch and we placed the two jugs on our shoulders and continued on our way to the shack . We passed over the railroad tracks by running . We got to the shack late that night , because the jugs were heavy and because of the bee stings . We walked slowly and heavily . Bluma and my sister were happy to see us alive , knowing that we took a big risk . We showed them what we had brought back and began the work of straining and purifying the honey on white pieces of cloth . In the end , there was left a large amount of honey , which added to our food supply greatly . Avraham and I suffered from the bee stings for more than a week . I even had a high temperature . Bluma took care of me and Avraham with all sorts of leaves and moist clothes with water and honey . After a week , we felt better and the swelling began to go down . As long as it didn 't start snowning , all seventy residents of the shack tried to help in organizing for the coming winter . Avraham and I , like the others , carried on our backs sacks of potatoes and hid them near the shack . My sister and Bluma baked supplies of bread , and we dried it so it would last the winter . We brought supplies of honey , onions , garlic , and anything else we could carry . We dug a well nearby with the cooperation from everybody . The preparations continued as long as it didn 't begin to snow . We organized our daily life and found a place for everybody in the shack . We set up metal heaters , made by Avraham , the metal shop worker , and the chimneys were slanted sideways and downwards so the sparks wouldn 't fly at night . Nearby the shack , we collected dry trees for the heaters . When all the preparations were finished , December , 1943 arrived and the snow storms began along with intense cold . We heard from far away bombings and the sounds of artillery , mostly at night . An airplane that we heard every morning and evening along the railroad tracks of Rovno - Sarny , stopped flying . The tension of what was to happen was in the air . One night two fellows entered and told that they heard voices in Russian from the direction of the railroad tracks nearby . Immediately the two Avrahams , Francis , and some other Jews joined them , and got close to the tracks and tried to listen . They clearly heard voices in Russian , and footsteps in the direction of Sarny to Rovno . After we returned to the shack , there was a strong argument . Many of the residents tended to believe that according to all the signs and rumors up to now , the Russians had arrived and that we would be soon free . But a small part of the residents , including Avraham , the metal shop worker , said this was not possible and at most this was a group of partisans that was passing by , and that we should not show ourselves because then the Germans would follow . Thus the discussions continued and the listening and surveillance continued at night . Finally there were compromisers amongst the residents that suggested sending a group to Hutor , the nearby Ukrainian village , there lived a reliable non - Jew who Francis knew . Francis was the head of the group . We were all very tense , and in inhumane conditions , we awaited impatiently for the group to return . The wives of the men who were sent were very scared . One night four men went out in the direction of Hutor , taking advantage of the snow storm which covered their tracks . The next day , before noon , the weather improved and we were expecting them to return that night . But during the day , they came happy , approaching the shack , singing in Russian . Avraham , the metal shop worker , who was always suspicious , began to go crazy and swear to them how they could endanger us in the middle of the day , and why they weren 't careful to cover their tracks . . They made fun of him and began saying : " Jews , we are liberated ! We met Russian soldiers and at their head a Jewish commander . We got an exact report from him about the situation on the front . The Russians are making progress on all the fronts . There now are battles in the area of Kobel and they are making progress in the direction of Lavov , to the center of Warsaw . The Germans are fleeing and are very scared . " They suggested that we take the necessities and go in the direction of Milinsk . Avraham , the metal shop worker , claimed that he did not believe them , and that it is at the most partisans . He refused to leave the forest until formal Russian representatives would arrive and invite us to be liberated . The majority made fun of him and were quick to leave the forest . We walked on the railroad tracks toward Milinsk . It was the liberation march of the starved , full of lice , fear , with rags on our feet , partially barefoot , marching in the cold and snow , happy , knowing that we were free . As we marched , the Russian Army passed by us , proud and self confident . When they saw our sad case , they threw us canned goods and clothes . By evening , we arrived at Milinsk . Avraham Hakerchoni led the convoy . We all stood by the village council building . Avraham and the rest of the Jews of Milinsk entered the building to the head of the village council , and requested that they be given their homes back . And each family received a room in houses that belonged to the Jews before the war . In a large house in the center of the village , Avraham Hakerchoni , Bluma , Pertzik got organized in one room , next to them Pessa , his daughter , and his granddaughter , next to them the Briyerim , and next to them my sister and me . The rest of the Jews were in houses that belonged to some of them in the past , others in houses they were given and that were owned by Jews in the past . Milinsk was a railroad station between Sarny and Kostopol . The non - Jewish neighbors and the Russian army helped us get organized for the night , by giving us hay mattresses and food . It was the first time I had slept in a house after seventeen months in the forest . We felt free and felt we had rights like all citizens at the time of war . The next day , we walked amongst the Red Army , and very soon we met Jewish commanders and soldiers . The stations were full of soldiers , in cars , on horses , or by foot that fought against the retreating German army . Trains passed by all the time filled with army , weapons , heavy tanks , artillery , and bombs that were covered in order not to be discovered . On the roofs of all the cars of the trains , there was artillery against airplanes , machine guns against airplanes , with brave soldiers situated on them . We talked with the Jewish soldiers and commanders and we heard from them that the Nazis had murdered most of their families . They helped us the best they could by giving us canned goods and some clothing . We turned to the village council and they gave us potatoes and flour . With the aid of the non - Jewish neighbors , we began organizing ourselves at home , including wood for heating the oven that was used for heating and cooking . One of the activities that we placed must effort on was destroying the lice . We sorted all of our bundles and burned the extra clothing . My sister washed the clothes , first in lukewarm water and then boiled them in hot water . We washed our bodies in hot water from buckets and bowls . We washed our cut hair in hot water and with kerosene - - according to our neighbors ' suggestions . This activity wasn 't completed after one time , but we did this a number of times , until we felt free of the burden of the Nazi persecution and the lice . After a short time , I got sick and felt a strong pain in my knees . I couldn 't stand on my feet . The non - Jewish neighbors helped my sister take care of me . Bluma and Chanah took care of me with family remedies . An army doctor , who was brought by one of the non - Jewish neighbors , took care of me . Within a couple of weeks , I felt better and began to walk again . At the beginning , the plan was postponed because we were afraid of attacks from the Bandrovechim . We had to take care of our daily existence . Therefore , the men who were of army age , were drafted to the army . Bluma organized a cart with horses , with the help of the Red Army . One morning I traveled with them to the forest , to the place where we hid , and by the shack , we took out potatoes and some grain from the grain that was leftover from our time in the forest . This involved great danger from the Bandrovechim . But along with the accompaniment of some Russian soldiers , the task was completed as planned . This promised us food for a certain period of time . « Previous Page |
Here we are . About a mile from home , just before dark . The summer months seem to make the woods less dangerous until later at night . It is warm out , and you and I are sitting together leaning at the base of a great tree . A Douglas fir . Donna 's and my favorite . When I look up , it is like the tree is cradling me . I think I 'll smoke that cigarette . I brought a soda just so I could put the ashes and the butt in the can so as not to set the whole town of T . P . on fire . We call Twin Peaks T . P . in school sometimes . The world wipes its butt with T . P . Bobby Briggs says that the most . Then he pulls all the girls ' hair and makes burping noises in our faces . He likes us all , of course . I was in the Double R . one day after school and he came in just after me and tugged on my hair super hard . Norma winked at me and asked if we had set the date for the wedding yet . She 's off her rocker if she thinks I go near him . Any boy I go near won 't be pulling on my hair like that . . . . I think he 'd pull on my hair the way they do in my fantasies . With their whole hand , slowly making a fist at the back of my head , and pulling me close for a tongue kiss . I wonder if all penises look the way Dad 's does . I can still see Mom trying to cover it with the sheet that night . It sort of reminded me of something raw . Something that might be okay in a while , or was okay a while ago , before someone pulled all of the skin off it and got it looking all pink and weird . Maybe I 'll see a nicer one someday . God , I hope I do . I won 't lie there like Mom did . Just like a fish on the dock , trying to learn how to breathe out of water . Little tiny huffs and puffs , but nothing else . If I can find the right man , maybe I 'll be comfortable enough to act just the way I think girls should when they are with someone . Half in control and half . . . I don 't know the word . Maybe I 'm getting too nasty . I would just die if anyone saw what I 've written . The owls have started hooting . One of them is just above me in the tree . . . . Something about him is strange . I know it is aInside me there is something No one knows about Like a secret Sometimes it takes over And I drift back Deep into darkness . This secret tells me I will never grow older Never laugh with friends Never be who I should if I ever reveal Its name . Dear Diary , I spent the afternoon with Troy today , cleaning him , and brushing and feeding him . I was fascinated by how much he seems to understand how I 'm feeling . He nuzzled up against me for a long time while I brushed his mane and head , and when I sat down in the comer of his stall , he lowered his head , and I let him breathe all across my neck and face . I wonder if people fall deeply in love with horses the way I love mine , or if I am wrong to be thinking or feeling any of these things . I wish Donna were here . I really wish Maddy were here . I 'm going to call Donna and see if she can come over for a sleepover or something . Maybe I could go there . That might even be better . Sometimes my bedroom is the best place in the world , and other times it is like a place that closes in and suffocates me . I wonder if it 's like that when you die . . . suffocating . Or if it 's like they say it is when you 're in church . That you float up and up until Jesus sees you and takes your hand . I 'm not sure I want to be near Jesus when I die . I might make a mistake , even just a small one , and upset him . I don 't know enough about him to know what might make him mad . Sure , the Bible says he 's forgiving and has died for my sins and loves everyone no matter their faults . . . but people say I am the perfect daughter , the happiest girl in the world , and one without any troubles . And that is not true at all . So how will I know if Jesus is really like me ? Scared and bad sometimes even though most people might not know how and when ? I 'll probably be a gift to Satan if I am not careful . Sometimes when I have to see Bob , I think I am with Satan anyway , and that I 'll never make it out of the woods in time to be Laura , good and true and pure , ever again . Sometimes I think that life would be so much easier if we didn 't have to think about being boys or girls or men or women or old or young , fat or thin . . . if we could all just be certain we were the same . We might be bored , but the danger of life and of living would be gone . . . I 'll be back after I call Donna . Donna said she wishes we could do something together tonight , but her family is having " family night " tonight . I guess it 's just me and you , Diary . Maybe we can go out to the woods soon and smoke one of the cigarettes Maddy left for me . There are four of them , and I hid them carefully in the bedpost . That 's where I hide notes from school I don 't want Mom to find when she 's in here cleaning / snooping - you know , mom stuff . I love her , but she doesn 't always understand what I try to tell her . She 'd probably have a heart attack if she knew all of the things that go on in my head . Anyway , the knob comes off and there is a hole there . Dad would call it a " cavity . " It is about four inches deep and it is the perfect hiding place . You can 't even tell the knob comes off as long as there is a purse strap or sweater over the post . So maybe we can go out , just you and 1 , with a flashlight and a cigarette and just talk to each other . I know you , more than even Donna , can keep a secret . I could never tell Mom about the sexy stuff I think about . I 'm afraid that if I let it come out of my mouth that God will hear , or that someone will know how bad I am , and they 'll say . . . Nobody else ever thinks things like that ! I 'll bet they don 't . I 'll bet I 'll never get the man I want , because anytime we try to kiss or fool around , he 'll think I 'm a crazy person who is sick and weird . I hope I 'm not . I would be so awfully sad if that were true . How could I stop thinking the way that I do ? I can 't stop my mind from wanting to think things like that . The thoughts that make my body warm , and my chest go up and down , filling with air and letting go , the way they do in books and movies , but still different , because they never talk about the fantasies I have . I 'm going to go downstairs for dinner now . I wish I could fit you in the bedpost too . For now I will tape you to the wall behind my bulletin board . I hope you won 't fall ! More later , Laura I haven 't written for a long time , and for that I am truly sorry . Maddy left three days ago , and I feel very frightened . inside about something I do not understand . One good thing happened . In the middle of the night last night , I had the most wonderful sensation inside me . Like something warm in my chest , and warm between my legs . My whole body went inside out , it seemed , and I felt like I could just float away . I think I had one of those orgasms in my sleep . It 's so awful and so embarrassing to write , but kind of nice at the same time . Right after it , I had this fantasy that a boy came into my room and put his hand across my nightgown and touched me softly . He whispered nice , gentle things , and then said I had to lie very still or he would leave . Then he pulled me to the end of the bed by my feet , and when my knees were bent over the end of my mattress , he made me close my eyes and I felt him open me up , bigger and bigger , and I had to look to see what was happening , and when I did , he was gone . But I looked at my stomach and I was pregnant . He was inside me , but small like a baby . I wish it hadn 't ended like that . I don 't know why my brain did that . I liked it better when he was pulling me down gently and taking soft control . Laura Any time a man dies at war , he dies to soon . Laura died too soon , as well . We have a responsibility to the dead , Robert . Responsibility is the lynch pin of our society . Each man responsible for his own actions , each action contributing to the greater good . Major Briggs Episode 3 Maddy brought a bunch of clothes with her , and she had me try all of them on in front of the mirror . She could tell I was feeling depressed about something . . . I guess . Some of her clothes are very beautiful . I liked the way they made me feel . Especially the short skirt and the high heels with this little fluffy white sweater . Maddy said I looked like Audrey Horne . She 's the daughter of the man , Benjamin Horne , that my father works for . Benjamin is very very very rich . Audrey is a pretty girl but she 's quiet and sometimes mean . Her father doesn 't pay much attention to her , and that 's probably why she acts that way . He has been very attentive to me , however , all of my life . Each time there is a party or a get - together at the Great Northern , Benjamin puts me on his lap or knee and sings to me softly in my ear . Sometimes I feel very bad for Audrey , because when she sees him singing to me , it must make her sad because she often runs from the room and doesn 't come back until her mother makes her . Other times I kind of feel good when she runs off . Like I am the center of attention , and that I am more special to him than his own daughter . I know that isn 't nice to say , but I 'm just being honest . To be very honest , I think I like the way I looked in Maddy 's clothes too . Something stirred inside me like a bubble . The way you feel on a carousel when you 're not used to the up and down of it yet . I 'll bet if I dressed this way all the time , things would be very different . Maddy and I took a walk later on , but of course , in our jeans and T - shirts . Twin Peaks doesn 't see many high heels and short skirts without banners all around announcing a dance or festival . We walked to Easter Park and sat in the gazebo for a while . Maddy said that her life at home is fine , " except for the sometimes unbelievable nosiness of my parents . " I made sure to quote her exactly there because I thought it was so well put . She said that there are a lot of things in life , she thinks , that don 't seem right at first , and then you settle into them . May5 : 07 PM Here is a poem . From the light in my window he can see into me But I cannot see him until he is close Breathing , with a smile at my window He comes to take me Turn me round and round Come out and play Come play Lie still Lie still Lie still . Little rhymes and little songs Pieces of the forest in my hair and clothes Sometimes I see him near me when I know he can 't be there Sometimes I feel him near me and I know it is something just to bear . When I call out No one can hear me When I whisper , he thinks the message Is for him only . My little voice inside my throat I always think there must be something That I 've done Or something I can do But no one no one comes to help , He says , A little girl like you . Sorry to woke you . I forgot to tell you something . The things I tell you will not be wrong . Better to listen than to talk . Don 't search for all the answers at once - a path is formed by laying one stone at a time . One person saw the third man . Three have seen him , yes , but not his body . One only . Known to you , ready now to talk . One more thing , you forgot something . Aha ! I told you I could get Donna to try a cigarette . Maddy brought them out and lit one of them , then she passed it to me to try . I like blowing smoke out of my mouth . Sort of like a spirit coming out of me , a dancing , flowing , wispy spirit . Like I was a grown - up woman with people all around me , just staring like they wanted to be me . Even Donna said I looked like a mature person when I smoked . I didn 't even inhale so I wonder what it would be like if I did . Donna was next , and before she could say no , I just said , " I 'm glad I tried it , and I don 't ever have to do it again if I don 't want to . " So she took it and made a few puffs of smoke in the fort . She looked good smoking too , but she got kind of scared and sucked some smoke in and started coughing really loud , so we put out the cigarette and aired out the fort real quick in case Mom and Dad woke up . I think I 'll buy a pack of cigarettes someday and just keep them like Maddy does . I 'm not going to get hooked or anything . I 'm too careful . Well , we 're going to bed now and all of us are signing off to our diaries . Good night to you . I think you and I shall be wonderful companions . Love , Laura I 'm back . We 've been laughing so hard all of our stomachs ache from it . Maddy was describing how she kisses her boyfriend with her tongue , and it made Donna and me crazy . Donna made a face and said she didn 't like the idea of tongue - kissing , and I pretended to think the same . . . but honestly , Diary , when I heard how you do it , I got a very strange funny feeling in my stomach . Different from . . . never mind . I got the feeling that I might like tongue - kissing and I 'm going to try it with a boy I like as soon as I can . Maddy said she was afraid at first , but she 's been doing it for a year now and she loves it . I told both of them about last month when I had a fever and went into my parents ' bedroom and saw them naked with Dad on top . I just left the room and Mom came to see me a few minutes later with some aspirin and 7 - Up . She never said a word about it . Donna says they were definitely having sex , and I already knew that , but they didn 't seem to like it . They just seemed to be moving very slowly and not even really looking at each other . Maddy thinks it was probably " just a quickie . " Ugghh . My parents having sex . What a gross thing . I know that 's where I came from but I don 't care if I never see that again . I 'm promising right now that if and when I ever have sex , it will be a lot more fun than that . Well , Mom and Dad just came to say good - night to us , and to tell Donna that her parents called and said she didn 't have to go to church tomorrow so that she can sleep in with us . We were all glad to hear that . Dad made us all close our eyes and open our hands , and he stuck a candy bar in each of them and told us not to tell Mom . Then Mom came in and handed me a little bag and said don 't tell your father . There were three more candy bars in the bag ! Maddy just looked at her candy and sighed . " Zits , " was all she could say . But she tore both of them open and we all forced both candy bars into our mouths and tried to sing " Row , Row , Row Your Boat " while our mouths were full . Donna said the chewed candy looked like something Troy would leave for us , and we all had to spit it out . Maddy told a pretty good story , a scary one , about a family that goes away for the night and comes home to find people hiding in their house waiting to kill them all . There was more to it than that , but I 'm not so sure how much I want to remember about it later on . I don 't want to feed my dreams . Donna got out of the fort to pee , and Maddy told me that she had been having some bad dreams too . She said she didn 't want to talk about them in front of Donna because maybe she wouldn 't understand . She says she 's been having dreams of me in the woods . Donna came back and Maddy wouldn 't say any more . I wonder if Maddy has seen the long - haired man ? Or the wind ? Maddy writes poems in her diary because she says that they are sometimes more fun to write than just the old boring stuff , and just in case anyone ever saw your diary , they might not understand everything if it was in poems . I 'll try that tomorrow . More later . I have so much to tell you . These words come to you from the inside of a fort that Donna and Maddy and I built . Dad and Mom said it was okay as long as we stayed just out back . We used wood that Ed Hurley gave us , and Dad hammered everything together . Donna says that if a storm came up , it would all be over for us , but I have a feeling it would stand , no matter what happened . Maddy is so pretty now . She 's sixteen years old and I 'm so jealous of her life ! I wish I were sixteen ! She has a boyfriend at home that she already misses , and he called her at the house earlier just to make sure she got here all right . Dad teased her about how cutesy she was on the phone , but Maddy didn 't mind . Donna thinks that when she has a steady boyfriend , she 'll probably be forty years old and going deaf . I told her she was crazy because boys already like both of us , we 're just too smart to go out with them . I wonder what it will be like when someone besides my parents loves me , and if he will call when I travel to make sure that I 'm all right . Anyway , earlier we all went to see Troy at the stables and brushed and fed him . Both Donna and Maddy said they 'd never seen such a beautiful pony in their lives . I wonder what I did to deserve him . Donna has been wishing for a pony for years too , and her father never bought her one . I wonder how long Troy will live and if I will cry forever when he dies . Donna just saw what I wrote about Troy 's dying , and she says I think too many sad thoughts , and that if I keep it up , who knows what will happen . Donna doesn 't know everything I know . I can 't help but think sad thoughts sometimes . Sometimes they are the closest things to my mind . Mom packed us sandwiches and two thermoses . One filled with milk , ice - cold . The other with hot chocolate . Maddy won 't drink more than one cup of the hot chocolate ' cause she says it gives her zits . I don 't see a zit on her face anywhere . She started her period three years ago and says it 's just a nightmare . It gives you acne and cramps and you 're tired and angry all th3 : 50 PM Tell Harry we found where it happened , where Ronette and Laura were taken . Tell Harry I didn 't cry . But Lucy , it 's so horrible , oh God ! Deputy Andy Brennan Episode 1 Cousin Maddy will be here any minute . Dad went to pick her up at the station by himself because Mom wouldn 't let him wake me . I slept until just fifteen minutes ago . No dreams at all , except Mom says she heard me calling out to her and then I hooted like an owl ! I 'm so embarrassed . She said she came into my room and I was half asleep but I . . . hooted again , and then she says I giggled and rolled over and went back to sleep . I hope she doesn 't tell anyone about this . She always tells people things like that when we have dinner parties with the Haywards or something . It always starts . with , " Laura did the sweetest , most odd thing . . . " And I know it 's coming . Like one night she said , right in front of everyone , that I had sleptwalked into the kitchen one night just before she was going to bed . I took off all my clothes , stuffed them in the stove , and went back to bed . Now every time I go to the stove at the Haywards ' when Donna and I help with dinner , Mrs . Hayward makes a joke about whether or not I realize that the stove is a stove and not a washing machine . Mom had been drinking the night she told that , so I forgave her . But if she tells anyone I hooted , I 'll just die . I don 't suppose there is ever a time that parents stop being a source of constant embarrassment to their children . Mine are no exception . Maybe if I could stop doing stupid things in my sleep , she wouldn 't have anything to tell people . More later . Laura It is very late at night and I can 't sleep . I have had nightmare after nightmare and have finally chosen to avoid sleeping altogether . I figure Maddy will be tired from her ride out here and will want to take a nap tomorrow anyway , so I can sleep then . Maybe if the sky is light when I sleep , my dreams won 't be so dark . One of them was just awful . I woke up crying , and I was afraid Mom would come in if she heard me , and I just want to be alone right now , and she wouldn 't understand that . She always comes in and sings " Waltzing Matilda " to me when I can 't sleep , or like tonight when I have bad dreams . It 's not that I don 't want her to sing to me , it is just that there was this strange man in my dream singing just that song in Mom 's voice , and it frightened me so much I could hardly move . In the dream I was walking through the woods out by the Pearl Lakes , and there was this very strong wind , but only around me . It was hot . The wind . And about twenty feet away from me there was this man with long hair and very large , callused hands . They were very rough and he held them out to me as he sang . His beard didn 't blow in the wind because the wind was only around me . The tips of his thumbs were black like coal and he wiggled them around in circles as his hands got closer to me . I kept walking toward him , even though I didn 't want to at all because he frightened me so much . He said , " I have your cat , " and Jupiter ran behind him and off into the woods like a little white speck on a piece of black paper . He just kept singing and I tried to tell him I wanted to go home and I wanted Jupiter to come with me , but I couldn 't talk . Then he lifted his hands up in the air very , very high , like he was growing bigger and taller every minute , and as his hands went up , I felt the wind around me stop and everything went silent . I thought that he was letting me go because he could read my mind , at least it felt that way . And so when he stopped the wind with his hands like that , I thought he was letting me free , letting me go home . Then I 4 : 03 PM You will never ever believe what just happened ! I went downstairs and Dad told Mom and I to get in the car and not to ask any questions until we got to where we were going . Of course , Mom asked questions the whole way . I didn 't mind because I thought maybe something would slip out of Dad 's mouth , but it didn 't . I just kept quiet so that I wouldn 't lose my surprise . When we pulled up to The Broken Circle Stables , I knew ! Daddy bought me a pony ! Diary , he is so beautiful , much more beautiful than I could ever have dreamed . His colors are cinnamon red and deep brown , and his eyes are big and sweet . Mom couldn 't believe it when she saw it and she started asking Dad how he managed to do it without anyone knowing . Dad said it would ruin the surprise if she knew , and he 's right . Mom nearly had a heart attack when she saw me underneath the pony 's legs to find out if it was a boy or a girl . I barely had to look to find out that it was a boy . Like I 've never seen one of those before . Mom doesn 't know her little girl the way she thinks she does , hmmm ? Back to my pony . I decided his name should be Troy , like the pony in Mrs . Larkin 's photo book . Zippy , who works at the stables , said he would make a nameplate for me that says TROY in big letters , and he 'll hang it right in front so that everyone will know his name when they see him . Troy is still too young to ride , but in two months I 'll be able to get on and just race through the fields ! Today I walked him and fed him carrots ( Dad brought them with us in the trunk ) and a cube of sugar that Zippy gave me . Troy loved ail of it . Before I left him , I whispered in his warm , soft ear that I would see him tomorrow and that I would write all about him , here , in my diary . I can 't wait to show him to Donna ! I almost forgot , Maddy will see him too ! On the way home from the stables Dad said that Troy and I have the same birthday , because when a pony is given as a gift to someone who will love him , they share everything . So happy birthday to Troy too ! I 'm glad I don 't know where he came Are you familiar with Project Blue Book ? Officially disbanded in 1969 , but there are those of us who continue in an unofficial capacity , examining the heavens as before . In the case of Twin Peaks , the earth below . We are searching for a place called the White Lodge . My name is Laura Palmer , and as of just three short minutes ago , I officially turned twelve years old ! It is July 22 , 1984 , and I have had such a good day ! You were the last gift I opened and I could hardly wait to come upstairs and start to tell you all about myself and my family . You shall be the one I confide in the most . I promise to tell you everything that happens , everything I feel , everything I desire . And , every single thing I think . There are some things I can 't tell anyone . I promise to tell these things to you . Anyway , when I came down for breakfast this morning , I saw that Mom had hung streamers all through the house , and even Dad put on a party hat and tooted away on a kazoo for a while . I didn 't think Donna and I would ever stop laughing ! Oh , Donna is my very best friend in the whole world . Her last name is Hayward , and her father , Dr . Hayward , delivered me twelve years ago today ! I can 't believe I finally made it . Mom cried at the table because she said before I know it I 'll be a grown - up woman . Yeah , sure . It 's going to take years for me to even get my period , I just know it . She 's crazy if she thinks I 'll be a grown - up in no time , especially if she keeps giving me stuffed animals for my birthday ! Today was just the way I wanted it to be , with only Donna and Mom and Dad there . And Jupiter , my cat , of course . For breakfast we had apple pancakes , which are my favorite , with lots of maple syrup and sourdough toast . Donna gave me the blouse I saw in the window at Horne 's Department Store , and I know she bought it with her allowances because she was saving all of them for a long time and wouldn 't tell me why . It 's the most beautiful blouse you 've ever seen ! It is white and silky and has tiny embroidered roses all over it , but not so many that it looks bad . It 's just perfect . On Donna 's birthday , I 'm going to get her something extra special too . My cousin Madeline , Maddy for short , is visiting tomorrow for a whole week . She and Donna and I are going to build a fort in the woods and camp out if Mom will4 : 02 PM |
I have a series of which I have written six books . Because my timing is absolutely wretched , they will most likely never be published unless I do it myself . I might , one day , but right now , I don 't have the time to do all that I would need to do to make such a thing worth while much less successful . After receiving a rejection but with excellent feedback , I decided to attempt another rewrite . I 've spent the last two weeks editing books 1 and 2 . As with every time I open the files and dive back in , the story pulls me . My heart and soul went into these characters and their lives , and it is sometimes painful to me that I am the only one who has met them , who knows their struggles , their shortcomings , their saving graces . The main character reflects quite a bit of me , and many times I have written her experiences and thoughts with tears burning my eyes and throat . I 'll have to think about it more , but I may post chapters or scenes here . Camellia 's story is dark , and most people don 't do dark . For tonight , I will just share one of her thoughts : Loneliness was a catching illness . I am I had not played Sim3 in about 3 years , but when the house was struck by lightning just before Christmas and we had no internet , I got back into it . I made Sims for myself , Fluffy , and Spawn . At the point when this conversation occured , I was top level in the Fluffy : Really ? If I did that , I would take care of the house and even do home improvements . I actually enjoy that kind of stuff when I 'm not also having to work . 1 ) Last Sunday , Spawn turned one . We held a large party ( in my opinion ) of family and friends . It went better than I expected - all the children had a good time , no one had a meltdown ( including Spawn ) . It was stressful , but it was good . I keep telling myself I just need to try to enjoy him while he 's little , especially since he will probably be my only child . Taking care of him can be so exhausting . It 's hard when you need a break or you just want to go out , see friends , or shop and you can 't . 2 ) Friday , I received my signed contract for Fairest . It has been put on Eternal Press ' publication schedule for May of this year . I 've returned my author information sheet , so now , I 'm just waiting to hear from the editor about suggested changes or corrections . I 'm amazed by this little book . I started it as a NaNoWriMo project in 2010 and gave up after 15 , 000 words . In 2011 , I added a few more chapters before I gave up . I moved on to other projects for a while before I made up my mind to finish it . Unlike most of my other works , this one is stand - alone . Those other stories , even if I have finished entire books of them , are still unfinished . I had a chance to complete something with Fairest . In summer of 2012 , I did . It was fulfilling to finally FINALLY finish something . It has a beginning , middle , and end . I spent some time editing it and tried querying in September . When it received no interest , I sent it off to friends and had another go at editing it . Then , on a whim , I decided to look for publishers instead of agents . It 's not easy to find YA publishers who take unsolicited works , but Eternal Press does and did ! I was so used to rejection that I had to read the email twice before I realized they wanted my book ! 3 ) I have applied for twelve jobs across the southeast . I am qualified for all of them , but I well - qualified for three of them . As a female and with my work experience , I should be a prime candidate . It may be too early to worry about , but I 'm torn over whether or not to move . There is a position at my current school , one that I could easily learn what I don 't already know , one where I already know everyone , am respected and like , but it is administrative . I 'm not wild about having to evaluate co - workers and grad students . I 'm not sure I can tactfully deal with parents , one of many reasons I will never teach high school again . Before I had Spawn , I was too sympathetic . Now , I have almost none . All of my patience and caring are spent by him , and I don 't know if this would be a good thing or a bad thing for my job . On the other hand , I don 't enjoy research . I see it as necessary for my career , but I 'm not passionate about it in the way I am about my actual career . This administrative position comes with no research , but the pay and workload are terrible . Having said that , there is a similar position at another school that has competitive pay and workload to that of someone in a regular professorship . But do I want to move ? Do I want to leave my friends and family ? Yes and no . Yes and no . 4 ) I spent the last three days proofreading Fluffy 's dissertation . He finally sent off first drafts to his committee last night . Now , he just needs to set a date and time to defend and make a power point . Why is this more stressful for me than my own defense ? Posted by Foreword : I often have dreams of my shadow . He ( my shadow is male ) usually tries to kill or absorb me , so I generally wake from these dreams feeling panicked and at best uncomfortable . This one . . . well , this one was different . I was my shadow . Shadow stood on the edge where the dormant grass met the rip - rap - covered bank . In the bay , the water gently lapped against grayish rocks . Rusty water , made less inviting by the bright sunlight . Through oval glasses he didn 't need , he stared at the ferry as it approached the docks . He 'd been compelled to wear them , putting on the face of an intellectual . People knew that the boy painted ocean scenes in watercolor , all the same shade of blue but with different concentrations of the color . Several empty tubes of acrylic lay scattered around the boy 's feet and on the easel two cups - one for water , one for paint . The boy moved the brush over the paper with inhuman speed , starting in the upper left and working his way to the lower right . He didn 't wait for it to dry . As soon as one was finished , he flipped the paper over the top of the pad to reveal a fresh , white sheet . Always intrigued , Shadow walked over to stand behind him and watch as the boy transferred the world onto paper . Shadow couldn 't understand how such uncontrolled movements made something so beautiful . The result was a surprisingly realistic rendering with exquisite detail to the tiny crests of waves . For only a moment , he took the pad from the boy and flipped through the paintings . As he flipped , Shadow saw the nebulous blob that marked the position of the ferry make steady progress toward the dock . Shadow took the ferry to the island . It was a small boat , and the waves were rough , but since the trip was uneventful , he tuned out for a while . He never noticed the young woman , no more than twenty , staring at him with large blue eyes rimmed with black liner . She longed for a hat as she fought to keep her pageboy - cut hair out of her eyes . Eventually , she settled for holding each side of her hair in her fists . Beyond the draw of a handsome face , she marveled that Shadow 's hair hardly moved . The wind picked up only a few strands and twice saw him scratch at the stubble on his face . Other than that , he didn 't move , and she wondered how anyone could be so still for so long . She thought that , if he embraced her , her ear would rest just over his heart . On the island , Shadow stared into the forest while the others set up camp . The young woman spoke to him , and he greeted her , letting his eyes pass over her face to record it for future reference . Her eyes , hope and good will seemed to arrow out of them , and he wondered if other things - hate , fear , lust - would also come through them , not only transparently but forcefully so . He gave her a half - smile and a half - laugh , which she returned with a wide , guileless grin . Clingy , he thought and walked away from her to the main tent . Fourteen feet - by - fourteen feet , the tent stood in a patch of evergreen needles just large enough to contain it . Two adjacent sides had both the flaps and screens unzipped and tied open to allow easy access . A long table and several camp chairs were already set up , along with two laptops , a scanner , and a printer . Shadow gave the equipment the same treatment he 'd given the young woman . " You can try , " he said quietly and left to set up his own tent . He was up , sitting in a chair in the main tent and listening to the night . A man 's scream cut off abruptly . Snapping , snapping , rending , gurgling growls of satiation . More screaming . His lantern was on , and soon , the surviving five people clustered in the center of the tent , looking to him to know what to do . " Furry , too ? " Shadow asked , his smile haunting his face again . He stood and turned up the lantern . " With lower tusks , large black eyes , and a nose that 's almost comically human . " to scream before the snarling thing outside batted his head off his shoulders . His body dropped to the ground , and the young woman , beyond terror , darted to Shadow 's side . She tucked her head under his arm and dug her fingers into his shirt . " Wild , " Shadow answered . When the beast poked its head into the tent , the young woman looked up at him , searching for an answer , for deliverance . Shadow passed a hand over her short , soft hair and removed his glasses . " Hungry , " he added . As he breathed warm air onto the lenses , the beast leapt . ( 2011 ) Posted by I first heard this story in either kindergarten or first grade . I love old European fairy tales , Grimm 's and otherwise ( and I love re - telling them ) . They teach children all sorts of life truths and lessons . There is one that is unspoken but undeniably true : Never trust a fairy . THERE once was an old woman who lived in a vinegar bottle . Don 't ask me why . It was a common old vinegar bottle . Maybe a little larger than most , but , still , it made for a very small house . The old woman would often sit on her front steps and complain . " Oh , what a pity ! What a pity pity pity ! That I should have to live in a tiny house such as this . Why , I should be living in a charming cottage with a thatched roof and roses growing up the walls . That 's what I deserve . " One day a fairy happened to be flying overhead and she heard the old woman 's complaint . " I can do that , " thought the fairy . " If that 's what she wants . . . that 's what she 'll get . " And to the old woman she said , " When you go to bed tonight , turn round three times and close your eyes . In the morning , just see what you shall see . " Well , the old woman thought the fairy was likely batty , but she decided to give it a try . When she went to bed that night she turned round three times and closed her eyes . When she opened them again in the morning . . . She found herself in a charming cottage with a thatched roof and roses growing up the walls ! " It 's just what I 've always wanted , " she said . " I know I will be so happy here . " But not a word of thanks did she give to the fairy . The fairy went north and the fairy went south . The fairy went east and the fairy went west . She did all the business she had to do . Then she began to think about that old woman . " I wonder how that old woman is getting along . The one who used to live in the vinegar bottle . I think I 'll just stop round and see . " When she got to the charming cottage the fairy found the old woman sitting and complaining . " Oh , what a pity ! What a pity pity pity ! That I should have to live in a tiny cottage like this . Why , I should be living in a smart row house with lace curtains at the windows and a brass knocker on the door ! That 's what I deserve ! " " Well , " said the fairy , " I can do that . If that 's what she wants . . . that 's what she 'll get . " And to the old woman she said , " When you go to bed tonight , turn round three times and close your eyes . When you open them again in the morning , just see what you shall see . " The old woman didn 't have to be told twice . She went right to bed . She turned round three times and closed her eyes . When she opened them again in the morning , she found herself in a smart row house with lace curtains at the windows and a brass knocker on the door . " It 's just what I always dreamed of ! " she said . " I know I 'll be so happy here ! " But not a word of thanks did she give to the fairy . The fairy went north and the fairy went south . The fairy went east and the fairy went west . She did all the business she had to do . Then she began to think about that old woman . " I wonder how that old woman is getting along . The one who used to live in the vinegar bottle . I think I 'll just stop round and see . " When she got to the smart row house , there sat the old woman in her brand new rocking chair . . . rocking and complaining . " Oh , what a pity ! What a pity pity pity ! That I should have to live in this row house with common neighbors on either side . Why , I should be living in a mansion on a hilltop with a manservant and a maidservant to do my bidding . That 's what I deserve ! " When the fairy heard this , she was much amazed . But she said , " Well , if that 's what she wants . . . That 's what she 'll get . " And to the old woman she said , " When you go to bed tonight , turn around three times and close your eyes . When you open them again in the morning , just see what you will see ! " The old woman turned round three times and closed her eyes . When she opened them again the next morning . . . She found herself in a mansion on a hilltop with a manservant and a maidservant to do her bidding ! " This is just what I 've always deserved , " said the old woman . " I know I will be so happy here ! " But not a word of thanks did she give to the fairy . The fairy went north and the fairy went south . The fairy went east and the fairy went west . She did all the business she had to do . Then she began to think about that old woman . " I wonder how that old woman is getting along . The one who used to live in the vinegar bottle . I think I 'll just stop round and see . " But when she came to the mansion on the hilltop she found the old woman in her velvet chair . . . sitting and complaining ! " Oh , what a pity ! What a pity pity pity ! That I should have to live in such a drafty old mansion . Why , I should be living in the palace . Oh , yes , I should be the queen with musicians to entertain me and courtiers to bow to me . That 's what I deserve . " " Good heavens , " thought the fairy . " Will she never be content ? Well , if that 's what she wants . . . that 's what she 'll get . " And to the old woman she said , " When you go to bed tonight , turn round three times and close your eyes . When you open them again in the morning , just see what you shall see ! " The old woman could not wait to go to bed that night . She turned round three times and closed her eyes . When she opened them again the next morning , she found herself in the palace and she was the queen , with musicians to entertain her and courtiers to bow to her . " Oh , yes ! This is what I 've always dreamed of . I know I will be so happy here ! " But not a word of thanks did she give to the fairy . The fairy went north and the fairy went south . The fairy went east and the fairy went west . She did all the business she had to do . Then she began to think about that old woman . " I wonder how that old woman is getting along . . . the one who used to live in the vinegar bottle . I think I 'll just stop round and see . " When she got to the palace there sat the old woman on her throne . . . sitting and complaining ! " Oh what a pity ! What a pity pity pity ! That I should be queen of such an insignificant little kingdom . Why I should be Empress of the Universe . Oh , yes , Empress of the Universe ! That 's what I really deserve ! " " Well ! " said the fairy . " There is just no pleasing some people ! If that 's what she wants , that 's what she 'll not get ! " And to the old woman she said , " When you go to bed tonight , turn round three times and close your eyes . When you open them again in the morning , just see what you shall see . " The old woman hurried to bed that night . She turned round three times and closed her eyes . When she opened them again the next morning , she found herself right back in her vinegar bottle ! " And there she shall stay ! " exclaimed the fairy . " If she can 't be happy here , she won 't be happy there . For , after all , happiness comes from the heart ! Not from the house ! " I believe in karma , as I have felt the wheel roll over me too many times to ignore it . When I hear about people who prey on the pain or loss or generosity of others , I know that at some point , the scales will balance . I 'm sure that isn 't much comfort to those who were the victims of deception , but it is something . With each day comes new tragedy . People come together to aid their fellow man , but there are always a greed - driven few looking to make a buck off tragedy . I 'm going to tell you a story about one such person . Fred , let 's call him , started graduate school the year I came back . Though his undergraduate record wasn 't stellar , he received a full ride ( tuition waiver , stipend , book money , housing allowance ) at the department 's expense . An older student with a wife and seven - year - old daughter , he wanted to get his PhD , try to better his position in life , etc . He 'd never taught before , and if you 've never taught before and have no training , it 's in your best interest to seek the help and guidance of a veteran . Fred did not . The first semester , he was never on - time to class . Several times , he never showed , forcing other teachers to fill - in for him and leave their tutoring spots . He was always late to do his floor hours , practically hid while in the lab , and left early . Because of him , the lab director made a new policy that all the workers had to swipe in and out , like punching a time clock the same way the students did . She claimed that the information collected would be used for the department chair to decide who got benefits and how much in following semesters . When Fred learned of this , his work ethic improved . He asked for help , called or emailed people to cover for him , and so on . And we did help him and cover for him , even when he didn 't repay us or failed to show for the shift he swapped with us . After his first semester , he lost his stipend but not because of his shoddy work . No , his grades were too low . As graduate student in our department , you can 't make C 's , and if you make too many B 's , the department will cut your funding in favor of giving a better student and worker more benefits . Since his family depended on the money and he had 18 graduate credit hours , the department head took pity on him and kept him as a part - time instructor ( same work load ) . Because of his lack of teaching skills , he was put in a course with no instruction time . He couldn 't possibly teach his students wrong because there is no teaching in that class . All he had to do was show up , and of course he didn 't . Now , you might be thinking , " So he 's a dirt bag . I 'm not seeing how this should exact karmic retribution . " I 'm getting there . Right around spring break , he just disappeared . The two people in the department who were friends with him couldn 't get in touch with him . Finally , he answered an email from the department head stating that his wife was in the hospital . She had some kind of stomach bug . He spent two days nursing her before deciding it was too severe and took her to the emergency room . They said it was a bug , sent her home , etc . When she wasn 't better five days later , he took her back , and she was diagnosed with a bacterial infection so rampant that the antibiotics couldn 't fight it . After another week , she died . We were shocked and appalled for him . In this day and age , in the United States , how could this happen ? Well , it does . Every day . We covered his classes . We covered his hours . We sent food , money , cards , flowers . We asked after funeral arrangements . Then , one of his friends saw him out one night with his wife ! Here , we were supporting him while he grieved for the loss of the love of his life and the mother of his daughter , and she wasn 't dead . She hadn 't even been ill . Even though there are people like Fred out there , who will use and abuse the goodwill of others , we should still extend it to those in need . Even if we can 't be sure that the need is real , giving and helping is what a decent human does . If you 've been burned , please don 't let it discourage you . Just think of it as good karma . Posted by On the way to my parents ' place , there is a rather large pine tree growing close to the edge of the road . In my largely rural hometown , houses and roads are built as to intrude upon nature as little as possible . Lined showed us the Silver Bullet ( think metal , vibrating tampon ) she purchased , with car adapter . She was twenty then and had a fun personality to make up for the fact that she didn 't inherit the same good looks her older sister had . She loved male strippers and could be heard above the rest of the ladies , hooting and shouting for the over - tanned man in a star - spangled banana hammock to , " Yeah , take it off , baby ! Come earn my money . " spent the next few years of her life in a co - dependent relationship , bouncing between jobs with her parents threatening to throw her out of their house , and her two closest friends begging her to get clean . Eventually , she broke up with Kevin and kicked the booze and narcotics . It turned out the drugs were easier to give up than the boy . A few times a month , they would hook up , and then she got pregnant . When she was sure , she called him . He picked her up around eleven on a Friday night , drunk , but where I 'm from , driving drunk is a sport almost as popular as football . They drove to a cul - de - sac in her neighborhood and talked for a few hours . When she told him she intended to keep the baby , he promised to get clean and marry her . They loved each other . Kevin wanted her to go home with him , and she agreed . The old pine is at the top of a steep hill , across the road and a bit left from where her neighborhood exits onto the main road . Kevin , traveling at escape velocity , hilltopped and smashed the passenger side of his Mustang into the pine . He woke up two weeks later , but Amber died on the scene . It 's been several years now . The area where the car struck the tree can 't grow bark anymore . The exposed tinder attracted beetles and has grayed and flaked with time . I wonder if that 's how Amber 's parents feel . Every Christmas and on her birthday , friends staple her picture to the tree , lay flowers at its base , and leave candles , and I wonder if any of them give her grave the same loving treatment . I feel as though the scarred tree alone is a hard enough reminder to her parents . They see it whenever they leave the neighborhood to go to work or church . Drive down any highway in my neck of the woods , and you 'll see similar roadside memorials . " Somebody died here . Remember that . " I 'm not sure what purpose that serves . ( 2011 ) Posted by The A - frame across the street from the Salvation Army Store has been many things . In my memory , it was first a cleaners . I seem to recall seeing lots of things in plastic - herrings hanging to dry . I don 't recall the name . Next , it was a nail salon . It now had a sign . Nails ! it proclaimed with a bottle of polish to the side . Strange , I never saw a car parked there . The owner most likely lived within walking distance , but with no car in the lot , the place looked vacant . In a town like this , there is something off - putting about a business with no cars in the lot . Two summers ago , the building hosted Hot , Hot , Hot Wings and the sign had a flaming chicken with bugging eyes in full squawk . That is a chicken going ape because it was engulfed in fire . Again , no cars in the lot and no visible people in the building . It had such potential , but it seems no one wants to eat in an empty restaurant . Now , the place is Abracadabra Jail Bonds complete with unlocked handcuffs on the sign . It 's only three blocks from the county jail , but with a competitor on the same block as the jail , Abracadabra is surely doomed . I wonder what it will be next . ( 2010 ) With my grandparents no longer living in their house , it has fallen on my mother to see that the place doesn 't fall into disrepair or get robbed . Each week , she ships furniture to various relatives . Each week , she calls me and asks , " Do you want [ . . . ] ? " oversee the dredging of the pond . This pond is actually across the highway from the house , and only a metal guardrail and three foot - wide bank separates it from the road . The purpose of the dredging was to recover a truck that crashed through the guardrail . When they pulled it out , they found another car . . . with a body . I said , " I think most people accept what they 're taught without question . When they encounter something outside their experience or contrary to what they believe , they either ignore it or violently oppose it . " I watched as teary - eyed old man made a deal to sell one of his many antique bicycles . " Maybe not . Maybe people are more willing to explore , but the ones who aren 't just yell louder . " I looked back at her and half - grinned . " Trying to help a lost soul , are you ? " On my way to my parents ' house , I passed a house where my childhood best friend 's husband lived . It 's a square cinder block house , the kind where one side of the block is coated with ceramic asbestos paint . It 's community considered him and his * gasp * divorced mother to be white trash . His mother is a first rate Hell - bitch . She once broke her ring and pinkie fingers by slapping him with her rings turned so that the stones were inside her palm . He came to homeroom bleeding from three cuts on his chin and laughed when I told him . She was mean and tough but had to be . She had a strong - willed boy to raise with no help from family . She refused all government aid . She waited until after he graduated from high school to marry her long - time " boyfriend . " When she did , she moved out to his lake house and sold The Cracker Box . It 's now Don 's Pawn Shop . A large fluorescent sign with a giant pistol on top pokes out of the lawn to let potential customers know that cash for Christmas is only a sale away . It 's one of the most ridiculous things I 've ever seen . Someone I cared about lived there , grew up there , lost his virginity there , and now there 's is a giant pistol on top of a sign in the front yard . I don 't know whether to laugh or cry . It was spring , and the Bird Carver and I were standing on the sidewalk where it dead - ended into the parking lot . He was ready to go home for the day , having already set his box of tools , along with the soldering iron , in the back of his van . The second and third rows of seats had been removed in preparation for his trip out of town . barn owl he 'd completed rested in bubble wrap amongst other boxes . He said he could get $ 2500 for it , and I whistled , to which he nodded . I had to admit , when he 'd glued the eyes in place and set the bird upright , the owl came to life . I 'd flinched slightly , and my skin chilled a bit . The eyes were the type that seemed to follow you . The black pupils reflected the overhead light but nothing else , truly fitting for a predator . out for this crazy old hag in the Buick , " he warned in a distasteful tone . He caught my grin only moments before the driver waved at me . " Oh , please , please tell me that 's not your mother . " he turned from me and walked briskly to his van . Still grinning , I went to the Buick . My smile deepened my mother 's , even as her brows flicked down in question . looked at the back of his van as she put her own car in reverse and then stomped on the brake so she could laugh - a loud , unrestrained , open - mouthed " Ha ! " Still smiling , she pressed her hand over her lips and settled into a smile that showed teeth . With one more quick pop , she backed up the car and then headed down the drive . I sat across his desk from him as he used his soldering gun to burn texture onto wood . It had changed drastically from the previous day . It had been a rough - cut hunk of white oak , a piece he 'd scavenged after lightning killed the eighty - year old tree . After ten hours of carving , gouging and sanding , the hunk took on the form of a small bird . Today , he added the feathers . his work . Next to the soldering gun , he had a small gouge , and in a piece of soft pine , he had stuck the legs . They were made of copper wire that he meticulously cut , twisted , and etched until every crease of " flesh " and the curves of the tiny claws were just so . He made everything but the eyes . Those , he ordered from a ceramic eye company . no . She knows a cash cow when she sees one . " He shook his head , his brow drawn down . " I used to make all sorts of things and just give them away , and one day she put her foot down and said I should make money off them . It 's in her blood ; she can 't help it . " His wife was Vietnamese . He made so much off his carvings that he had to get a business license and report his income to the IRS . " I think it was when " Yes . I 'm going to make a guitar for him , " he gestured to the office next door , " out of the same tree this came from , " he waved the bird . " It 's his tree , so I 'll give him a discount . " for me to see . One side of the feathering was complete , and I could see exactly how the bird would look once he painted it . He would spend a eyes . When he finished , it would look as though a real grosbeak was perched on his pine block - a perfect replica . It would go for $ 200 , easily . he said , taking the bird from me and sliding the book over the desk . The motion sent a spill of curlicues over the edge of the desk . " I suppose I 'll be chided for that , " he murmured as he looked down at the mess . made him smile . He liked to compare the job to something blue collar . He 'd been in it for over twenty years but only recently felt pressure to stay in his office a required number of hours every day . It was just we weren 't working , he carved and I read , or we sat together and talked . One day we sat outside and watched as a hawk tried to pluck a squirrel from the side of a pine tree . I was rapt as I watched the tree saw a crow dead on the side of the road on my way in this morning , " he said . " Strange business . Crows are too intelligent to get killed in the road . " I looked up from his book on North American bird species . " I saw something on Discovery about how crows in some city or another would drop nuts into crosswalks and let cars run over them . They watched for when the people would cross and knew they would be safe " It 's nice to have someone that enjoys learning around this place . " He grinned at me , and I chuckled . We were , after all , in a building on a college campus . " What are you looking for ? " he said , picking up the soldering gun . A curl of smoke and the scent of charring wood filled the office . " Terrible birds , blackbirds . They rob bluebird nests . Did you know ? " I shook my head when he looked up at me . He nodded . " They aren 't native . Some moron thought it was a brilliant idea to bring to America every bird Shakespeare mentioned in a play or poem . They call them starlings , trying to give a trashy bird a better name . K ill every one that you can . " ( 12 / 12 / 2010 ) I 'm an author , and apparently , I need a website . So , I am in the process of moving over to wordpress . My new site is here . I 'm sur . . . |
I opened my eyes to see him stood next to the bed . His eyes heavy with interrupted sleep . His blonde hair is tussled from hours of tossing and turning . Four years old and perfect . Most nights he would join us at some point in the early hours . It surprised me he wasn 't wanting to go right downstairs . It was now Christmas morning after all , and a mountain of presents was awaiting him by the tree . ' I think , our chimney 's blocked . ' He said . Anyone who has ever had a four year old will tell you that they can come out with the strangest things . This was a new one I thought , pulling him up into the bed . I shrugged . I had no way of knowing what the intruders intentions were . However , in all the things playing in my mind , being robbed was the best case scenario . I shook my head . ' The phone is downstairs . ' I said . She had taken it down with her that morning , and neither of us had remembered to bring it back up . I got up from the bed and crept to the door . Our son had left it ajar when he came in , and I peered through the crack . I saw a hunched shadow on the wall of the stairwell . A silhouette , illuminated by the multi - coloured hue of our Christmas lights . I could understand her fear . We had no idea who this intruder was , or what they wanted . They could be armed with God only knew what , while I was stood there in nothing but my lounge pants . I didn 't even have any shoes on . They had made it so easy . A house this size with so little security . Not even an alarm . I guessed that burglars targeted them all the time . Yet , if the burglars had been successful I 'm sure they would have some sort of alarm system . As I checked the perimeter of the house , I thought maybe they had a dog , some big brute of a guard dog . Something like that and you don 't need an alarm . Nine out of ten burglars would leave it at the sight of a dog . I 'm not nine out of ten burglars , hell I 'm not even a burglar . I broke a window round the back of the house . It was the side furthest away from the road . I was also assuming that the bedrooms were most likely at the front , for the view . It was all clear so I pulled myself up onto the window ledge and climbed into the house . I found myself in a large kitchen . You never know what you 're in for when you break into a home . Even one this size . A kitchen is a good room to begin in . It gives you a sense of the people who live there . For example , a tidy kitchen , without a dining table is a sign of a single man , or a couple without kids . A messy kitchen with a table is the sign of a larger family . A kitchen like this one . Ordered , but with a small table and kids drawings on the fridge . That is the sign of a professional couple with only one or two kids . I placed my case on the kitchen table and opened it up . Inside was the selection of tools I had picked out for tonight . I left the gun in the bag . I didn 't like using guns . It wasn 't intimate enough for me . Shooting someone took away all pleasure from their death . I was cheating them , and cheating myself . I took out the hunting knife my father had bought me all those years ago . It had a thick blade , slight curve at the tip , like a hook . One side was smooth and sharp . The other serrated for sawing through wood or bone . It was this very knife I had used my first time . Despite all the other toys in my collection the hunting knife would always be my favourite . It always brought back that rush of nerves and excitement I had felt that first time , all those years ago . With that decided , I pulled out the note . The calling card I left every year . The one the police were desperate to learn something from . Some hint to my identity . Of course , I gave them none . It always made me smile when I read the note . My own little melodramatic twist of that old Clement Clarke Moore festive favourite . The words scrawled in the craziest handwriting , I could muster . Red ink . The media wanted a monster . A twisted bogeyman that could sell their papers , or keep their ratings up . I was more than happy to play that part . They had dubbed me ' St Nick ' after my choice of poem . I liked it . I put the note down on the kitchen table . I always left the note downstairs . It could be too easy to lose or damage in the carnage that would occur upstairs . I crept across the landing . Keeping close to the wall . I hoped that the deep pile of the carpet muffled the sound of my movement . I just wanted to get to the other side of the stairs . I wanted to be in a position to surprise the intruder . For all I knew this was nothing more than a burglar . Someone who meant no more harm to me or my family than stealing our well insured possessions . Yet , it was Christmas Eve and that meant it could be him . The ' St Nick ' killer . Every year for the last nine he had butchered a whole family in their home , on this night . My heart raced as I got to the other side of the landing . I could see over the bannister . I saw the intruder mounting the steps . He stopped on each one to examine the family photo 's we had hanging on the wall . He extended his hand and I saw the blade of the knife glinting with the reflection of the Christmas lights . He traced the blade across the pictures . It was him . It was St Nick . The sick son of a bitch was even wearing a red jacket hemmed with white fur . His hair was long and grey , and he had a bristly beard . He was trying to look like Santa Claus . Only a nightmarish version of that genial character . He reached the top of the stair and I saw him begin to turn . He was about to look around and see me standing there watching him . I hadn 't thought to grab anything I could use as a weapon . I dropped to the floor . I peered around the corner and saw he was looking away from me again . He was looking in the direction of Pete 's bedroom . When he had got up to come into our room , Pete had left his door open . The glow coming from his night light spilled out onto the landing . It drew the intruder towards it like a moth to a flame . If Pete hadn 't have heard him , if he hadn 't come into our room , this monster would have gone for him first . He would have killed our son while we slept . Paternal rage filled every fibre of my being . I looked behind me . On the windowsill was a large vase made of heavy pottery . I grabbed it and charged towards him . I sat there on the bed listening intently after Mark left the room . One hand gently stroked Pete 's hair as he slept beside me . For what seemed like an eternity , there was nothing . The only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat , thumping fast . Why hadn 't I brought the phone upstairs with me ? If I had been able to ring them when Mark woke me , the police would be here by now . It was Christmas Eve . They didn 't hesitate when it came to intruders on Christmas Eve , in case it was him . St Nick . I thought about all the awful stories I had heard about the things he had done . He liked to make his victims suffer before he killed them . Torture and mutilation were what they said . This would be his tenth year and the police were no nearer to catching him than they were when it all began . This wasn 't supposed to be our Christmas . We were meant to wake up tomorrow and see the joy on Pete 's face when he saw all the gifts that Santa had left for him . He had been so good this year . It had been difficult for him to control his problem . He had done so well . Mark and I had gone to town to spoil him this year and show him how proud we were of him . I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye as I stood in the child 's doorway . He was charging towards me holding something above his head . He screamed as I turned to face him . He was younger and quicker than me , but he was also half my size . He tried to bring the pot down on my head , but I turned away from the blow just in time . It hit my shoulder , hard . It hurt like a son of a bitch , but it bounced off me and shattered against the wall . Seeing that his attack hadn 't worked the way he wanted to he began punching out at me . A couple connected with my face . Despite his rage though , this man was not a fighter . His soft businessman hands did little more than annoy me . I reached out with my left arm and grabbed him by the throat . I lifted him from the ground . Pain shot through my shoulder , perhaps the blow had done more damage than I first thought . I swung him around and threw him against the wall . He let out a grunt from the impact , which was fierce enough to dent the plasterboard . I kept hold of his throat but let him slide down until his feet were on the floor . I grinned at him . As he reached the top step I threw the knife . The hilt connected with the back of his head and sent him off balance I watched as he tumbled down the stairs . I thought to myself that he would be unconscious . That would give me time to gather up the other members of the family . This guy was tougher than he looked though . When he hit the floor at the bottom he pushed himself up on his hands and knees and looked up at me . He had a black eye and a bloody nose , but he smiled and got to his feet . I was going to have to follow him downstairs and deal with him . I 'd cut the phone line to the house , but if he got outside he could alert a neighbour . I wasn 't prepared to have my fun interrupted by the police . I began to descend the stairs . One of them had fallen down the stairs . The other was following them down . I prayed that Mark was okay , but I had to do something . I remembered that I 'd left my mobile phone in Pete 's room when I put him to bed . If I could get it , I could call for help . I looked at Pete asleep on the bed . I couldn 't just leave him here defenceless on the bed . What if the intruder came and found him before I got back . I had to make him safe , without waking him up . If I was to wake him , he may panic and that could bring on another bout of his illness . In a rush I gathered up the quilt and my pillow and put them inside my walk in wardrobe . I put them on the floor to make a comfy little bed for him . Then I carried Pete , still sleeping and rested him on top of it . I kissed his forehead as he murmured . Then I shut the door behind me . Back in the bedroom , a searched for something I could use to protect myself . At first , I couldn 't think of anything . We tended not to keep sharp things accessible because of Pete was in to everything . Mark had a set of golf clubs , but they were in the garage . Then I remembered that the leg on the stool of my dressing table was loose . It was a heavy piece of oak . I snapped the leg free . A nail poked out of it . This gave me extra reassurance . I opened the door . There was a sudden sound of a struggle downstairs . He yelled in distress and threw the phone at me . I batted it away with ease . He turned and went for the door . I moved quickly and grabbed his head and rammed it into the door . Then I let him fall back to the floor . He hit it hard . The tough little guy was still conscious , though I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was dazed . I knelt down beside him . ' You see , that 's the kind of language that gets you on the naughty list . ' I said . ' Now you , and your wife and son are going to have to pay . I grabbed hold of his hair and began dragging him back away from the door . He screamed and grabbed at my hand , but the blows to his head had taken most of the fight out of him . I dragged him from the hall , through the lounge and into the dining room . There I picked him up and set him down in a chair . ' No , you 're going to watch me disembowel your son , and flay your wife alive . Then I 'm going to cut your eyes out and feed them to you . Then all you 'll have is the sound of their screams to try to guess what I 'm doing to them next . ' I ran from our room to Pete 's . I found my phone . I began to cry as I saw the battery was dead . I fell to my knees . It seemed like our fate had already been sealed . Like the universe had conspired on this most sacred of nights to end us . I heard Mark screaming downstairs . I had to do something . I ran back to our room and opened up my wardrobe . Pete was still sound asleep . I closed the door gently on him once more and moved towards the stairs . The commotion had died down a little . Now I could hear a deep voice talking in the dining room . I crept along through the lounge and saw a giant of a man taping my , bloodied and beaten , husband to a chair . This man must have been at least six foot five tall and almost as wide . He had long , matted grey hair and a messy looking beard . He wore a red , suede coat trimmed with white fur . He looked like a monstrous Father Christmas . ' No , you 're going to watch me disembowel your son , and flay your wife alive . ' He said . His voice was full of menace . ' Then I 'm going to cut your eyes out and feed them to you . Then all you 'll have is the sound of their screams to try to guess what I 'm doing to them next . I crept into the room behind him . I raised the broken stool leg like it was a baseball bat . Mark 's eyes met mine and I saw his look was telling me to do it . With all my strength I swung the heavy piece of oak . It connected with the side of the man 's head . The nail that had been poking out dug into the side of his skull . I felt the soft crunch as that side of his face caved in . The sound of his bones cracking was audible . He didn 't scream . He gave no sign of pain . Then he collapsed . I dropped the stool leg and rushed over to Mark . ' I don 't know . ' I said . ' I have to get the scissors , or a knife to cut this tape . I 'll grab the phone and call the police . The man began trying to get up . Each time he pushed himself up a little and then fell back down . His face was bleeding and starting to swell where I had hit him with the stool leg . He shuffled across the floor and recovered his knife . He attempted to pull himself up to a standing position . Pulling himself up on a chair like a toddler . The first attempt failed and he fell back to his knees . ' It stings . ' He said laughing . ' But the things I 'll do to her are going to be so bad , the cops who find you are going to have nightmares about it for the rest of their lives . I swear to you she 's going to live long enough to feel every pain I can inflict on her . It was a reasonable question , after all he had fallen asleep on our bed and woken up on the floor of my wardrobe . I didn 't want to panic him . If he got himself worked up , there was no way of knowing what might happen . ' No Santa has definitely not been yet . ' I said , thinking of the madman downstairs . ' Come on let 's find somewhere good to hide . How about daddy 's car ? I scooped Pete up into my arms and ran for the door . I could hear loud slow footfalls heading for the stairs . There was no way we could get down them without him catching us . I ran for the bathroom . I locked the door behind us . Not that I thought the little lock would stop that beast for more than a few seconds before he knocked the door down . I set Pete down on the toilet seat and rushed to the window . I knocked everything off the deep sill . Shampoo , razors and tooth brushes went crashing to the floor . I opened the window as far as it would go . I would be able to lower Pete down onto the garage roof , and then jump down myself . From there , I could smash the skylight and drop us down to the car . We kept the spare keys in a biscuit tin in the garage . I picked him up and took him to the windowsill . I felt his little heart beating fast , and his temperature was rising up . This was not a good sign . He was heading for one of his episodes . I saw the handle turn and he realised the door was locked . There was a loud thud as he attempted to knock the door down . The first blow didn 't succeed in opening the door . I shimmied as hard as I could . At first , it felt like I was going nowhere . A second , louder thud hit the door . It remained shut , but I could see that this time the lock had started to come loose . The next hit would open the door . I walked over to the skylight . It was ajar , enough for me to pry it open and lower Pete down into the garage . I jumped down after him . ' No Pete , it wasn 't Santa . ' I said . I rummaged around looking for the biscuit tin that contained the spare key . Where was that fucking biscuit tin ? ' It wasn 't bloody Santa ! ' I yelled . I didn 't want to . All the fear and emotion , and the frustration of not being able to find the tin came out in one sentence . Pete stared at me with a look of shock and hurt . He started to scream . Then bolted for the door . I heard the thudding upstairs . I heard the commotion in the garage and there was nothing I could do to help any of it . I struggled against the tape . I tried pushing the chair over to see if it would break . I was convinced I had seen people do that in movies . However , St Nick had secured me too well , I couldn 't get enough momentum to tip the chair . I wept in frustration . I heard the killer running down the stairs . He was tearing through the house trying to find a way into the garage . My son came running in . Something about the four year old mind meant that he didn 't even question why I was taped to the chair . He was more concerned with his own problem . ' Mummy shouted at me ! . ' He screamed . He was looking pale , and I could see he was soaked with sweat . He was verging on being hysterical . The shakes would start soon . The kid hit the floor hard . He twitched around and a puddle of piss formed where he lay . At first , I thought he was having a seizure . That was ok . It gave me time to secure his bitch - whore mother . I wanted her to suffer worse than any of them before . The boy stopped twitching and his arms shot out in front of him . There was an audible snap as his bones came out of their sockets . I watched him , wondering what the hell was happening . He screamed in pain as his limbs appeared to lengthen . Blood erupted from his nail bed as long , black claws poked through . The mother rushed to the father . She didn 't want to look . Neither did I . I wanted to run . This shit was way beyond anything I had ever seen before , but I was transfixed . The boy 's teeth popped out one by one and scattered across the floor . Blood poured from his mouth as the teeth were replaced with vicious looking fangs . Pointed and curved , meant to kill and tear flesh like the hunting knife I held . His eyes rolled up in his head . The pupils disappearing . When they popped back down they were no longer blue . They were amber and glowing like they were ablaze . He charged at me . I tried to knock him away , but he was too strong . Those vicious jaws clamped around my throat and the teeth pierced my flesh . Pain filled every fibre of my being . And as he ripped my throat out with his teeth my final thought was . I 'm not really a monster after all . |
This is the first part of an Epic Trilogy . It covers 15 years of a young boys life , from the very first memories in the early 50s ' . The ultimate quest . Mi chickens had stopped laying eggs by now so the small amount of money I 'd made out of them had all but dried up . It was probably the best thing all around because it was not long before I was due to leave home and go to Australia . There were no more forms to fill in and I 'd already been for my medical and was pronounced fit and in good sound health . The agreement I had with Jim Bailey was to return his money that he had invested in the hens as soon as I killed and dressed them and sold them off to some of the school teachers . Around this time , Trevor Davies had a friend who wanted to sell one of his Lurcher dogs . He only wanted 10 bob for it . Somehow I managed to scrape together the money . Thinking about it now , I probably sold off some of mi old toys that I would no longer be needing . Trevor said one of his friends would deliver the Lurcher dog at my hen hut on Friday night so I would have to get busy cleaning out the hen shit and scrubbing the walls down so as to make it a suitable home for the Lurcher to live in . Mi mother still had Raja , the Springer Spaniel so there was no chance , whatsoever , that she would let me keep it in the house . By the time Friday night arrived the new doghouse was spotless and a bag of wood shavings had been thrown around the floor to make it nice and comfortable for mi new Lurcher . As I was waiting for the boy to show up with the Lurcher , I was thinking about how good it would be to walk over the hills again , looking for rabbits and hares . When the boy arrived , I gave him the 10 bob and took possession of the Lurcher . The Lurcher didn 't seem to want to stay with me but the boy said , " It 's only because he 's used to living with other dogs in a shed , just like this one . Don 't worry about his trying to get out , he 'll get over it in a couple of days . " That evening , I spent a good 3 hours sitting in the new dog shed with the Lurcher . No matter how much love I gave it , the dog just kept right on scratching at the door , trying to get out . In the end , I locked the door so no one could steal it and went off home to have a cup of tea and off to bed . On Saturday morning , I got up early and went down to me hut to check on mi new dog . Everything looked normal and quiet as I approached the front of the door . I banged on the wooden door a few times to see if the Lurcher was a good guard dog as well as a hunter . After 3 or 4 loud knocks there was no sign of barking so I opened the lock and pushed the door in a little ways so the dog would not bolt through the open doorway . Sticking mi head around the side of the door , to my shock and amazement there was no Lurcher dog in sight . ' Oh Shit ! ' , I thought . ' He 's escaped somehow . ' When I made a detailed investigation of the shed , I found that he had forced his way through the backside wall of the old shed . In the back wall of the shed was a large piece of tin , which had been nailed on the wall from the outside . The Lurcher must have been jumping up at the tin all night and finally broken the nails out of the old rotting boards and forced his way between the gap and was now long gone ! I had no idea where Trevors ' friend lived so I would have to go up to Trevors ' house and tell him what had happened . After I found Trevor and told him the story , he said " The dog has been living with other Lurchers for 2 years so it will be difficult to keep it in for a while but it should get used to it . I 'll go over to mi friends house . For sure it will have found its way home by now . " " All right Trev . " , I said . " You go to your mates place and I 'll fix up the shed where he got out and I 'll wait for you at the shed . You can bring the dog back there and tonight I 'll chain him up so he can 't get out again . " That Saturday evening as I was sat at home , watching the Telly , a knock came on the door . I jumped up and said , " I 'll get it . It 's probably for me . I 'm expecting mi friend Trevor to call . " When I opened the door there were 2 strange boys standing there with a large grain bag at their feet . I closed the door behind me so Iris and Jim couldn 't hear anything . ' Bloody hell , now what do I do ? I 've lost mi 10 bob and now I 've got a dead dog in a sack sitting on mi mums ' back step . If she finds out , there will be hell to pay for this . I opened the back door and said to mi mum , " I 'll be back in a few minutes , I 'm just off down to mi hen shed . " I grabbed he end of the sack and threw it over my shoulder , then made mi way up the street and down to the hen shed . Halfway down the front of Boston Street I ran into a boy called Ernest Hargraves . He was about 18 years old and had red , fiery hair and a face full of freckles . He also wore thick bifocals , which made him look like a real geek . Because he was so big no one ever teased him or anything . " Hello Earnest . I 'm in real trouble now . I 've got a dead Lurcher in the sack and I don 't know what the hell to do with it and if mi mother finds out , she 'll bloody well beat me ! " A few nights later , I 'd been out playing with a few friends and was now on mi way home . I always had to be aware of the time because Jim Bailey was sat at home , just waiting for me to be late so he could say , " What time do you call this Lad ? " , but tonight , I had time to spare as I shoved open Boston Street door . As I walked inside , I saw there was a stranger sat on one of the guests ' chairs and the house was unusually quiet . " I ' y , it 's a great job . There 's never a dull moment . I get to investigate all sorts of crimes . Take , for instance , today . About 2 O ' clock this afternoon one of the Engineers mates was filling up one of the steam engines with water out of the large overhead water tanks and what do you think he found floating on the top of the water ? " I won 't bore you with the gory details , but she ran ' true to form ' . I never saw Earnest again after that because there was only a few more months to go before I left for Australia , and he never came around the area where I lived anymore . That was the last I ever heard of Earnest and the Lurcher . " I ' y , ya right Dick . Most of the kids in Sowerby would be jealous of the fact that you 're getting out of this place but I 'm real happy for you . It will be great to go to another country and you 'll probably make a lot of money Dick . " When I opened the book , I saw at once that it was a pornographic comic book . It was about a young girl about 16 , who came home late one evening after her father had told her to be in the house at 9 O ' clock . As I turned the pages and read the captions , the father said , " Now , I 'm going to put you across my knee and give you a good spanking for being a naughty girl and disobeying me . " The next page , she was across his knee and the next page he had pulled her knickers down around her ankles . The next page , he was spanking her bare bum and the picture showed a large tuft of pubic hair sticking out and the father had a gleeful look on his face . The comic porn book went on and on , showing the most descriptive pictures I had ever seen and towards the end of the book , well , I 'll let you guess the rest ! " I 'm going to sell them to the kids at school . It will be no problem at all to get 10 bob a piece for them . Have we got a deal Geoff ? " " OK . I 'll have 20 books for you tomorrow evening . Meet me up at Beachwood Estate at 7 O ' clock . See ya later Dick " , he said as he walked off up the road . Iris and Jim were engrossed in a TV series when I walked in so it was easy to walk through the front room ( which was never used ) , open the front door and retrieve the brown paper package . Once I got them upstairs , I stood mi mattress on end and laid them out flat then let the mattress down into place so they were hidden from view . I always made mi own bed in the mornings before going off to school so mi mum would never find them under the mattress . The next morning I took one of the books to school so I could show it around , very discreetly . That way , once the boys saw a couple of pages , I would get rid of 20 books , no problem at all . By the end of the day I had taken orders for 26 books . I would have to get Geoffrey to print up a few more . The delivery date was set for Friday , that would give the lads enough time to come up with 10 bob , which was the going rate for a ' fresh - off - the - press ' pornographic comic book . ' 13 pounds ! ' I thought to myself . ' The old Stepfather only makes 8 pounds a week for 40 hours work , in a factory . By the time Friday comes , I 'll have a lot more money than mi mum and him put together . ' On Thursday evening , the night before I was due to make my deliveries ; I 'd contacted all the boys who had ordered a book . Each one of them had got their money together and the deal was to take place early Friday morning before school started , because I didn 't want to be carrying around the small brown paper parcel all day . As I walked down Boston Street that night on my way home , I was whistling a merry tune . Everything was going like clockwork as I had planned . When I pushed open 25 Boston Streets door and made mi grand entrance , I said to Iris and Jim , " Right on 9 O ' clock eh . " " 20 bloody pornographic books , all neatly stacked up under your mattress Richard ! That 's what I 'm talking about . 20 filthy dirty , bloody porno books that are now stacked and burned up in the fire . That 's what I 'm talking about ! " With that , she grabbed the cane and came after me like a mad woman , letting fly with the cane rod . She attacked me from all sides . I got a whack from the cane for each word she yelled at me and a double whack each time she said the word , ' pornographic ' . By the time she finished , I was wishing I had never seen those porno books ! " You 've just ruined my new business . I 've got orders for all those books and now you 've burned them . I 'm 10 quid out of pocket ! " " You cheeky little bugger ! " she sez , and flew at me with the cane again . " I 'll give him a piece of my bloody mind if I ever see him again ! Now get up those bloody stairs to bed ! You haven 't heard the last of this my boy ! " The next day , my credibility as a good businessman had gone down the drain when the disappointed lads found out what had happened . When I told Geoffrey about how the books had ended up in the fire , he was not too pleased because he was now quite a few pounds out of pocket , from his printing costs . He never spoke to me again , for at least a couple of months . So ended my career as a pornography distributor . In later years I looked back on it and thanked Iris for the beating she gave me . Had it not happened that way , I may have very well been writing this book from behind bars now . This book would have been called ; Bruce Whipp , the Australian who used to live next door to us , had already packed in his job and taken his Yorkshire wife and 3 small children back to Australia . Before he had left he said to me that as soon as he had an address and phone number he would send it on to me and being true to his word , I had his letter in my top drawer in mi bedroom . It was almost Christmas now . The weather had turned icy cold and it looked like we were all in for a cold , hard Yorkshire winter . I had decided to make this Christmas mi last one with Elland Silver Band because as well as leaving home for Australia I had lost a lot of interest in playing Brass Band music . I would be 15 soon and the thought of going to Australia consumed the interest I 'd had in the Brass Band . " You 're only joking with us Dick - lad . , " they 'd say . " You won 't be leaving school before we do . You 'll be stuck in Sowerby Bridge for the rest of your life , the same as us , so why do you persist in spinning us all a big yarn ? " " All right . I won 't say another word about it . You 're right and I 'm wrong . I 'll be leaving school the same day as you lot ! " " That 's better Dick . It 's unheard of to leave school before your time and whoever heard of a 15 - year - old boy going to Australia on his own ! But , we 've got to hand it to you Dick ; you sure can spin a good yarn . Where do you think them up from ? " As it got closer to Christmas , Elland Band got ready for the Christmas Carol Busking day . Every 25th of December we would all get together as a band and play Christmas carols in the streets and this 25th was no exception . One of the older band members picked me up in Sowerby Bridge ' cause the double decker buses did not start to run till late on Christmas morning . When we were all ready , present and organized we set off up the road , marching and playing in our bright red & gold uniforms . Against a background of pure white snow , no one could miss seeing or hearing us as we stood at the top of the terraced streets and played everybody 's favorite Christmas carols . We always took about 10 band friends along with us and their job was to walk down the streets with the collection boxes and knock at the doors . " Merry Christmas from Elland Silver Prize Band ! " , they 'd say as the people smiled and put a couple of shillings into the collection box . After I explained the procedure to him , he liked the idea . We decided to meet halfway between this house and mine . It was a really cold night and the snow was falling in large fluffy flakes as we trudged through the snow to an area I knew of a few miles away . When we eventually arrived in the high - class area , I said to Steven , " We come here because terraced - houses only contain poor people . In this area they 're all rich ' cause they live in semi - detached houses or bungalows , so here 's the plan . We go to the first door and you knock and as soon as they open it , I 'll start to play a Carol on mi trumpet and you start to sing . While you 're singing along with me , take this tin I brought with me and stick it under their noses . Make sure you smile ' cause I can 't smile and play trumpet at the same time . Oh , and try to look cold and shivery . That 's a good one . It always sucks ' em in ! " By the time an hour had passed we had quite a few bob rattling up and down in the tin . Steve and me had a great time that evening , even though it was freezing cold and we were covered in snow . It was so cold that at one point we knocked on a door and waited . As soon as it opened , I put the trumpet to mi lips and played the first two G 's to Good King Wenceslas . When I went to push the first and second valves down to make an A , the valves on the trumpet had frozen up so this horrible noise came out of the Bell and we heard a baby start to cry from upstairs . As the door fully opened , an angry young woman appeared . Out of fear , Steve stuck our collection tin under her nose and kept singing . Steve was not much of a singer so the woman said , " Shut that ghastly noise up ! You should learn to sing before you go out busking and as far as your friends ' trumpet playing goes , he 'd have been better off leaving it at home , ' cause all he 's done with that noisy , obnoxious thing is to wake up my baby ! ! Here 's 2 bob . " , she said as she gave us both a dirty look . " Now bugger off and don 't come back here again or I 'll call the cops ! " Let 's go down the road a - ways Steve . There 's some more bungalows that I know of . I 'll have to take mi trumpet valves out first and spit on ' em to get ' em going . " " ' Cause valve oil is no good in cold weather . It makes ' em stick worse . They 'll be all right in a minute and as soon as I 've got ' em freed up I 'll just have to keep them moving as we 're walking along . Let 's go to that big house at the end of that street . " , I said to Steve as we trudged on through the cold evening . " Same procedure Steve . As soon as the door starts to open , we 'll play . ' We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year , then smile and rattle the tin and don 't be shy about rattling the tin . The noise of the tin reminds them we 're not just here for the good of our health or to play for free . That 's how Elland Band does it and it always works , so give it a good hard rattle . Are you ready ? " I struck up the first few notes of ' We wish you a Merry Christmas ' , and Steve was right with me . He was also in key , which made a change for him . As soon as the big door swung open Steve 's mouth fell open and he stopped singing . I had the habit of closing my eyes when I played so I opened them to find out why he was not singing and rattling our collection tin as we had planned . I almost stopped playing myself when I saw who was blocking the light from the open door . It was Mr . Miles , our school Headmaster ! I don 't know who got the greatest shock , him or us . ' Screw him . ' I thought . ' It 's Christmas ' ! I stamped on Steve 's toe and he immediately came out of shock and started to rattle the tin and sing at the top of his voice , in another key . Miles was now well and truly hooked . If he didn 't cough up , he knew that I 'd tell everyone at school what a Scrooge he was . He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a handful of money . He took a half crown and dropped it through the rough cut - out slot of Steves ' tin . He was just about to put his money away , when I said , " Sir , there 's two of us . " He gave me one of his famous ' school Headmaster looks ' and then dropped another half crown into the tin . " Did you forget about the ' stiff arms ' he gave me and mi sisters ? And what about the times he made us stay home , night after night ? Also when he pushed me down the stairs ! " " Listen Mother and listen very carefully . You left my Dad to get married to another man and you expected the 3 of us to call him dad . Well , he isn 't my Dad . I 'm not complaining and I don 't feel angry or guilty about anything ' cause it 's all over . You got what you wanted out of life . My life was ruined , so don 't tell me how to live my life anymore . If you 're happy with Jim then what are you doing up at this time of night ? " " Well , you 'll get a chance now ' cause I 'm going to bed . There 's nothing more to say . You live your life and let me live mind . Good night , see you in the morning . " That evening , as I laid in my old room , I felt really f ^ ckng angry now and I refused to have mi Mother dump her guilt on me ' cause I could tell she wasn 't happy . Jim Bailey was a decent bloke for marrying her but she knew and I knew that he couldn 't hold a bloody candle up to George . He isn 't half the man that George is and never will be . I look like my father and I drink beer like he does so I guess that I remind her of things that she 'd sooner forget . I thought that things would be different if I came home for a holiday but It looks like I was wrong . So all I could do now was to continue to be myself and see what happens . " Hello George " , said an elderly woman who passed us on the street . " Who 's the young lad with ya ? " " That 's mi lad . He 's come to visit me from Australia . " " Who 's that ? " I asked mi dad as we walked away ? " " She 's one of mi new neighbours , lad . She 's only been here 6 years . She 's a nosy old cow too . She 'll go and tell the whole bloody neighborhood now that mi son 's come home . I 'll probably be on the 7 O ' clock news tomorrow night ! " " Bolox ! All she 's after is mi bloody pension and someone to do her fetchin ' and carryin ' . Her old man died a couple of years back and now she 's lookin ' for another bloody mug . It won 't be old George Swindells , I can tell ya that for nought ! " It was an enjoyable bus ride with mi dad . He even came upstairs with me so I could have a fag . The upper deck was almost empty so he had no complaints about the smoke . It didn 't take long before the bus came to a squeaking halt at Sowerby Bridge and pretty soon mi dad and I were walking through the front door of West End Club . " Evening George . " said the club doorman . " It 's gonna be a bitter cold night . It 's just as well we 've got the heat cranked up . Are you a member young fella ? " Before I could answer , mi dad said , " Is he buggery Jack , this is my lad . He 's just come over from Australia for a holiday . I 'll sign him in . " " It 's only 7 . . they don 't start comin ' in until 7 : 30 . By 8 , ya won 't see an empty seat in this place . At 8 : 15 there 's an act on so it 's bound to fill up . " " Buggered if I know lad . I haven 't heard him before , but if he 's ought like the other buggers we 'd may as well not have him . There 's mi old mate Gavin comin ' . His old lady must have let him off the leash early tonight . " Gavin came back over and sat down at our table . He took a mouthful out of his pint and went . " Haaaa ! So who 's the young bloke ya with George ? Aren 't ya gonna introduce us ? " " Don 't listen to him Dick . I 've known ya dad for 40 bloody years . He was just the same as you when he was a young ' un . He smoked like a bloody chimney . " So that 's how I spent that first evening with mi Dad . He seemed to be quite happy having a few beers with people his own age that obviously adored him . Once the club closed down for the night , I walked mi Dad down to the bus stop and made sure he caught his last bus home to Jubilee Terrace . As a child , I went with the family to Blackpool , ( a seaside resort ) . I was 6 years old and boys being boys , I decided to go in the Ocean for a swim . Conveniently , I forgot that my idea of swimming was to flop my arms and kick one leg , the other keeping good contact with the bottom of the small swimming pool in Sowerby Bridge in Yorkshire . I was doing quite well until a large wave rolled clean over the top of me and then proceeded to drag me out about 20 feet or so . When I felt for the bottom it was gone ! I immediately sunk down about 15 feet and there I found the bottom . Horrendous fear and panic arose as I had swallowed , what I perceived to be , half of the Atlantic Ocean . Somehow I struggled to the surface and before I could catch a breath another wave went over me . There was a small boat about 10 feet away from me with 6 or 8 tourists , laughing and joking as they waited to go out for a trip . The fear , desperation and uncontrollable panic stopped me from crying out for help . I did my best but nothing came out , except seawater . Down I went for a second time and hit the bottom again . This time I met the God of Death . I don 't need to tell what that was like . He said to me , " You 're going to die today . I 'll be waiting for you ! " At that stage , I think I pissed myself . Somehow I got to the surface again . Once there I focused on a young man I could see in the boat . I had been taught to pray , so in a nano - second I prayed , pleaded and begged for my life to be saved . My prayer went so , " Please , please , please save me God ! I will do anything you tell me to do for the rest of my life if You will please save me ! ! At that point I went down for the third time . The pain in my head and lungs was now at bursting point . As far as I was concerned my life was over before it had really begun and I knew He was at the bottom waiting for me . As that thought flashed through the mind , a hand grabbed my hair and yanked me to the surface . The next thing I remember was coughing up the Atlantic Ocean in the relative safety of the small boat . The young man , who I had focused on , just before I went down again , had hauled me out . " Are you alright son ? " he asked . " Are you OK ? " " I 'm alright . " I coughed and blurted out . Once he saw I was all right , he turned the boat around and put me on the beach . When I got back to where my mother was sitting , she said , " Where the bloody hell have you been , you little bleeder ? Have you been in that bloody water when I told you not to ? " " Stay here now with me and don 't go bloody wandering off on your own . And don 't go in that bloody water again . People who can 't swim have drowned in the water . I 'm sure you don 't want to experience that do you ? " From that day to this , I have lived on borrowed time . I have also kept the promise I made . There has been many times over the years that I questioned my plea for help . Regardless of that I am still here , following His orders . The first time I heard that voice again , ( after Blackpool ) it said to me , " Leave this place and go to Australia . " By the way , tattooing my head was not my bright idea . I 'll give you one guess who thought that one up ! The day continued with Jim sitting in his rocker and Iris fussed around the house . Sandra laughed and joked around with me . The time came for me to get ready to go out or I 'd be late . I threw on some good clothes just in time for the knock on the back door . " Suit ya self ! " , I said as I threw the keys on the table . Now I was really pissed and angry . Once I got outside with mi couple of school chums , who I hadn 't seen for years , I put the domestic garbage of mi mothers ' houses aside and went off for a good night out . That evening we drank a lot of beer at the Star Hotel in Upper Sowerby Bridge . I re - met a bloke called John Lodge who I 'd been somewhat ' pally ' with at Ryburn School . He was a very short bloke and like most short men he had a complex about it . A real chip on his shoulder ! As the night went on he got into some trouble with 3 blokes from another area . So muggins - me , thinking I was still in Australia where mates are real mates , walked over to where they were standing at the bar . The three blokes were threatening to punch his head in , so I said , " Ya having problems , Johnny ? " " Great ! " , said one bloke , then hauled off and punched me in the face . I shook my head and said , " Good shot mate ! Now it 's my turn ! " I cracked him in the head with a big right hand and arse over head he went , but next minute found me on the floor with his two mates on top of me ! All I remember was rolling around on the barroom floor , under the round tables . There were punches flying everywhere and most of ' em were aimed at me ! Out of the corner of my eye , I saw John Lodge crawling away under the tables , out of harm . When it was finally over , I was in a right mess . Although the three blokes had various injuries , I 'd caught a few punches myself mainly with my face . Steve and Colin helped me clean up a bit but nothing could repair my shirt which was covered in blood , with a big tear down the front . I walked home alone that evening vowing to myself not to help anyone else when it wasn 't my problem . My bigheartedness and sense of loyalty had yielded me a fat lip , a bloody nose and a bruised cheek . ' Iris is not going to like this ' , said the inner voice as I walked down the cobblestone street towards her house . When I tried the door it was locked and the lights were out . It was about 1 : 30 and there was thick layer of frost covering the house walls . I started to feel the cold now as I was only wearing a thin shirt and cardigan . It was obvious to me that she would blow her brains if I knocked at this time , so I decided to look for some shelter or another way into her house . I tried the lower window but it was firmly locked . The coal cellar shute was wet and black from coal dust , so that was out of the question . The only other option I could see was to sit on the outside toilet until the morning and do the best I could to keep myself from freezing to death . By about 4 O ' clock my false teeth were chattering so badly they were keeping me awake so I took ' em out and put them in my pocket . It was one of the longest and most uncomfortable nights I think I 've ever had . The temperature was below zero but somehow I managed to make it . When mi mother saw me she hit the roof . I was in no mood for any of her lectures so I walked off upstairs to wash up and change mi clothes . Once I was cleaned up I felt a lot better so I lay down on mi bed for a few minutes and before long the daydream dissolved into darkness . Just then I ' erd this squeekin ' noise and loud bangin ' around in the barrel . He must have been a mind - reader ' cause right when I was gonna ' reach out and take the lid off of the barrel , I ' erd mi Dad say , " And don 't take the lid off that barrel . Just wait and watch . " I did . I waited for ages and ages and now 't appeared . I was thinking of taking lid off ' a barrel but I dare ' nt . So , I left and found summat else to amuse misen with . That night , I couldn 't get them rats out of mi ' ed . Next morning , when I got up , first thing I went into barn . Mi dad was looking in barrel and when he saw mi coming he put lid back on . The barrel was very quiet . No noise . I was gonna ' sit on barrel lid but I was a bit scared so instead I grabbed the milking stool and sat there with mi elbows on mi knees and mi ' ed in mi ' ands watchin ' . All of a sudden they started squeekin ' . It made me jump so much I nearly fell off ' a stool . I walked around barrel to see if I could peek through any of the cracks in the barrel but they were all too narrow , This went on for what seemed weeks to me . Everyday , I 'd go and sit in front of barrel and everyday they 'd squeek . One day , I was sitting in front of barrel and mi dad come into barn . " Where they all gone ? They couldn 't ' ave gotten out a ' barrel . " ( Just in case he thought I looked inside and they all got out ' cept one . ) He lifts lid on barrel and shines ' is torch inside . I looked in barrel and it made mi jump ! Mi heart was banging away . In bottom of barrel I saw this great big , fat brown rat . He was as big as mi cat ' meatmeat . " He had these big black eyes that were staring at me . My heart was banging even louder now ! . Mi dad picked up barrel then with the lid on , so I followed him into barn where all hens were . He took barrel over to corner of barn and said , " Stand back ! " I watched him tip barrel over and then this big , brown rat run out a ' barrel and across floor and straight for the light shining under the big barn door . " He 'll be back . He 's a cannibal rat now . He 'll come back and attack all the smaller rats in barn soon as he gets hungry . " Mi sister Sandra sez to me , " My tooths sore Richard and it 's loose as well , but it won 't come out . " " Which one is it ? " " This one at front . " " Let me have a look " " No , you 'll hurt it . " " I promise I wont . I just want to see it . " She opened her mouth to show me and I sez , " Which one is it ? " She touched the one that was loose and I saw it wiggle . " Pull it out . " , I sez " No , it 's sore . " " Don 't be a big baby . " ( She must have been all of 4 - 1 / 2 years by then ) " I 'm not a big baby , I 'm grown up now . " " Then let me pull it out for ya . " " How ya gonna do it ? " " I 'll get mi dads ' pliers , that 'll get it out fast . " " All right . " , she sez , timidly . When she saw me coming with mi dads ' big rusty pliers she started crying again . " Don 't be a softy ! It won 't hurt a bit . " That made her cry even more . It also made her jump up and down in one spot . I knew she wasn 't going to agree to this game so I had to use mi head and come up with something a bit more creative and less scary . By this time I 'd made up mi mind , ' that tooth is coming out somehow ! ' Now another brain wave . " I know what we 'll do and it won 't hurt a bit . " " What ? " I went into mi mums ' sewing box and got out a bobbin of black cotton and put a slip knot in one end and tied ' tuther end to kitchen door . " Is it going to hurt ? " , she sez " No , I won 't feel a thing . " , I sez to her . " Alright but if it hurts , you 're not doing it ! " " Look here , you look in mums big mirror and put this slip knot over your loose tooth and when you 've done that , I 'll tie ' tuther end to kitchen door knob . " After that part of the operation was done I said to her , " Now you stand here and I 'll push door open . " She was standing there looking at the door with her eyes wide open . Fear was all over her face . " Don 't look . Close your eyes and you won 't feel a thing . It 'll be out before you know it . " Soon as she closed her eyes , I opened kitchen door with a ' whoosh ! ' She gave a yelp and started to cry . When I examined the end of mi mums ' cotton I found no tooth . The cotton had snapped right in the middle . " You hurt me ! I 'm going to tell our mum on youPosted by " Richard , Richard ! " mi mum yelled . " What ? " I sez . " Don 't what me ! Go down field to old Mrs . Wheelers ' house and get me a carton of matches . " What ! " I said in horror . " You heard me . I 'm out of matches . Go down to old ladies house and get me some matches . Here 's a shilling and mind you don 't lose it on the way . " " I 'm not going down there to her house , she 's a witch ! " " Don 't be bloody daft . There 's no such thing as witches . " " There is mum . I 've been reading about them in history books at school . They turn little boys into toadstools and little girls into frogs ! " " You daft bugger . Sometimes I 'm sorry you learned to read . You 're supposed to be getting more brains , not less . " Just then mi dad adds his two penneth , " If brains were gunpowder he wouldn 't have enough to blow his hat off ! " " Here 's the money . Now go and do as you 're told . ' There was no getting out of it now so I begrudgingly took the shilling from mi mums hand . I wasn 't fond of having two sisters . A brother would have been much better to my way of thinking . Sometimes though , they came in handy on occasions such as these . Off to find mi sisters . " Hey Sheila . " I sez . " Do you want to come for a walk ? " " Where to ? " " Oh , not far . Just down the field to Mrs . Wheelers house . " " Don 't be daft ! She 's a witch . She 'll eat me ! " Now I wish I hadn 't teased them about Mrs . Wheeler coming in the dead of night to grab them from their beds . After pleading , emotional blackmail and every other ploy I could think of , she wasn 't having a bar of it . " No , I 'm scared ! " was her final answer . I set off on the most dreaded journey of my young life . ' I 'll never make it . She 'll put me in the big cooking pot she keeps on her stove . Then , she 'll eat me all up and no one will know . No more fun and games . I know , Dinah ! Dinah , at least she 'll come with me . " Come on Dinah , let 's go . " Off we go . At least Dinah loves me . Down the field we go , along the wallside to the far end of field , through snicket to a row of cottages . There were three cottages in all . Mrs . Matlocks ' was on one end , an empty one in middle and old Posted by Mi dad had a job on Baitings Dam as a Foreman . He was a Heavy Timber Construction Engineer by trade , so most of mi early life I spent on moors . One of the perks of mi dads ' job was housing . Wherever a new damn was being built , the people in the Valley would be booted out and we would get to live on the land in a big , old farmhouse until the Valley was flooded and the farms were under water . This particular farmhouse was very old and picturesque . It was built in a L - shape , meaning the house was on one side and the farm buildings were on ' tuther side . There was no electricity or running water . Candles were used for lighting and wood or coal for heating . I spent many a good day on that farm . Into everything , that was me . Richard Swindells , George Richard Henry Walter Swindells lad . People called him George for short . Part of building a dam entailed blasting away huge big boulders out of the valley side . So many times , during the day , the Siren Whistle would blow and a few minutes later were a big dead - sounding BOOM ! and the side of the Valley would seem to ' hiccup ' and loosen massive big boulders , dirt and rocks which were then carted up the hillside in small dump trucks and then loaded into big heavy - duty trucks whose wheels seemed to be at least five times bigger than me . After the Valley was made wide enough to hold millions of gallons of water which was then used for town water supplies , a concrete wall was built which stretched right across the Valley from one side to ' tuther . It took forever to build , or so it seemed to me . The Dam wall was really wide so it was strong enough to hold all the water back . Twenty or thirty foot heavy wooden beams were used to form the walls . That was mi dads ' job . He knew how and where to build the formwork so the concrete could be poured into place . I remember him coming home and telling mi mum , " I nearly got done in today . A bloody big beam came loose , wench , and fell down . It just grazed mi shoulder . Another couple a inches and I 'd bin a goner , wench . ( He alwaysPosted by I have been writing down Guru Oms ' words that I have heard , almost on a daily basis . Guruji was a sheep shearer in the Outback of Australia for 18 years . He came to Australia as a boy of 15 , without his family . All of the knowledge that he carries comes out of hard labor and sweat ( not books ) . He is the embodiment of Compassion . ( That 's why , 25 years ago , He took Sanyas and was given the title SWAMI OMANANDA SARASVATI and affectionately called GURUJI or GURU OM . I asked Guruji to write down his experiences as a Sheep Shearer as I wanted everyone to know this character . . Yorky . At first he declined as he said , " Why would I do that , I had to live it ? " Eventually he agreed ( after much whingeing on my part ) and these excerpts are only a small portion of 35 years in the Bush . Please visit the other blogs I post to with some of the stories . |
I still didn 't know what to think . My romance had ended before it began , and my wife disappeared without a trace . Although I had harbored worries that her family had taken her from me , their attitudes convinced me they shared my ignorance of her disappearance . " What if bandits took her into the wilderness ? " Jennifer 's mother wailed into my shoulder . " We may never find her broken body ! " I patted her back awkwardly . A week after the wedding , we still stayed at the estate as our base of operations . I would hate to continue renting , but Franklin Fronth was a Lord and had seemingly unlimited resources . Which made his refusal to pay the dowry all the more infuriating . Of the family , only he might have had the motivation to take her away , but it seemed a trivial reason to do so . In fact , I 'm sure he suspects me of foul play , so that I could have the dowry and then marry the mistress I 'm sure he 's heard about . The sun shone down on us . The darkness inside the building was just too oppressing . " Devrim ! " someone yelled out from across the yard , so I looked up . I saw Rene Fronth , Jennifer 's brother . He dressed with a feathered cap and colorful short cape , which made my own clothing seem drab in comparison . He beckoned me over , so I disengaged from his mother and ran over . " No , no news . But I was talking to a friend and he mentioned that he had some goods imported from Felaronia coming in today and it got me thinking . What if , for whatever possible reason , she took a ship to Felaronia ? I asked what day that ship would have gone to Octgard and he told me it was the day after the wedding . It 's not a real lead , but I think it is worth investigating , as we don 't have anything else to go on . " I almost laughed out loud . Why in the world would shy Jennifer run off to Felaronia ? It made no sense . Rene was looking in all the wrong places . I was about to reject his offer , but thought that it might instill resentment . In truth , I had nothing better to do and didn 't want his mother clinging to me . " Should we go down to the docks ? " I asked , humoring him . Rene gave a nervous smile , unsure whether I approved or not . Let him guess . We made our way over to the docks , a trip that took some time while winding our way through crowded , stinking streets . That 's why I hated Capital Mith . The ever present sun shining in my window of the carriage burned my skin in spite of the flimsy curtain I used to block it . My eye began to twitch and my mouth felt dry . I didn 't feel like talking much during the ride . My thoughts wandered to Jennifer . Would I ever see her again ? Was someone holding her captive ? Was she waiting for me to come rescue her ? What if she had been defiled ? Then what would I do ? So many scenarios floated through my mind , but none of them allowed the possibility that she was out of my reach forever . I put on my hat when we stepped out of the carriage and onto the docks . Boats of all sizes filled the coast . I didn 't come from a coastal city , so I admit I didn 't know the difference between any of them , but Rene seemed to know where to go , so I followed him . The waves made a constant swooshing sound so annoying that I had to keep from shouting out in frustration . He chose a large ship , random in my mind , and walked up the planks onto the ship . I followed him up but nearly toppled over when the ship shifted . Even on the deck , I felt a little dizzy . In the corner of my eye , I saw some people sniggering , but when I faced them , they looked away innocently . Rene found the captain , a wrinkled man who looked tired of life , and then started talking . I stayed back , observing . " Captain James , I have a few questions for you . " " If you 're mad at me for taking away your wife , girlfriend , or sister , that 's not my problem . These women are adults and can make their own decisions . Several come back on their own accord . " Never mind my first analysis . This man was just tired of answering the same question over and over again , always on the defensive . " Come , Rene , this is a waste of time . " I placed my hand on his shoulder , but he shrugged it off and continued talking to the captain . Rene looked flustered so I spoke up . " Jennifer Fronth . She 's tall , blond . " I wracked my mind for other descriptions of her , but failed to come up with anything . " She might have come with her friend , Mia , who 's shorter , darker hair , plump , " Rene added . Captain James stood in a thoughtful pose , unfocused eyes looking back in time . " Yes , I think I might remember the pair . Didn 't talk too much with the other guests . Just kept to themselves . " Because she was shy ? But no , this couldn 't be them . Jennifer would never leave me to go to Felaronia , would she ? " It must be them ! Jenny 's safe ! " Rene told me excitedly . He turned to the captain . " You did get there without any casualties , right ? " " Are you sure ? " Rene asked . " If she went to Felaronia , it was of her own will , and she won 't want to come back . " " No , that can 't be it . Why would she flee from me if she doesn 't even know me ? She wouldn 't reject a romance that hasn 't even started . Something else must be going on . " I wiped sweat from my forehead . The sun was turning my face red . The captain grinned . " Well , I would advise against this , but I can 't wait to see your face when you get back on my ship . " " We 're here ! " I yelled behind Mia 's back . She actually jumped a few inches into the air , threatening to tumble off the starboard side of our elegant ship . The sails whipped back and forth so that , combined with the waves , muted all sound . I was proud of myself for managing that to overcome that and still scare Mia . Felaronia 's port town of Octgard greeted us with colorful banners flapping to the screaming wind . The wetlands made it hard to create a permanent settlement along this part of the coast , so most of Felaronia was inland along the River Nesco . But Octgard held out strong and looked beautiful to me right now . Wooden buildings with a variety of designs , colors , and textures were visible from the docks where we had landed . One in particular caught my eye , a tower that gently curved from wide to narrow as it went up , reminding me a little of a woman 's form . Surrounding buildings didn 't compete with it , but accented its beauty like it had all been planned out beforehand . Nothing like the haphazard stone walls back home . We got off the ship , filing onto the wooden roads of the docks . I felt a little uneasy , as the ground didn 't wobble as much as I had gotten used to in the last few days . It seemed there were two groups , divided almost by gender . The first were the merchants , mostly men who came on business and knew what they wanted , wasting no time as they went toward the city . The second group consisted of women like us , the immigrants , fleeing the effects of misogyny , false romance , and general injustice . We didn 't know where to go and still marveled at the sight of the mythical city . Sure , there were female merchants and male immigrants , but they were minorities . As the most noble among our group , I felt it my responsibility to lead them to the shore . So I told them to follow me and mimicked the merchants even as I followed them . Mia caught up to me , looking worried . At first , few wanted to venture out , but the submission that had been beaten into them for so long won out and they lined up behind me . We marched to shore , leaving the vessel of our deliverance behind as we faced our new lives . A trio of older women greeted us at the end of the docks . One wore her black hair in a bun , another let her long curly hair loose , and another had her gray hair cut short . All three wore robes , black , purple , and white . They folded their arms with amused looks on their faces . The one with the short hair spoke first . " Welcome to Felaronia . My name is Saphira . This is a place where you find what was lacking in your homelands : value and respect . But to obtain that , you must be willing to work hard for the good of everyone . This is not for the weak , lazy , or spoiled . " Did she cast her eyes on me ? " We don 't enslave the men like they enslaved us . They are , however , subservient to us out of necessity . There are those whose ambitions would overthrow our society . If you find any , report them to us and they will be escorted to a country more to their liking . " The one in purple spoke next . " I am Ynette . We realize that many of you are coming from situations of abuse and at the risk of your own lives . Because of this , you will all be assigned a mentor to help you gradually understand our culture , our laws , and our jobs . Any questions you have , you can ask her . " If you want to pursue a career , but don 't have the skill , we can set you on the path of education . Also , do not despair because of lack of money . You will live first in the commons houses until your mentor transitions you to a full citizen . Like Saphira said , there is little tolerance for women who will not work . " Again , the look at me . Did they think I was just some foolish damsel ? " Some of you might have even had easier lives in your homeland . But hard work will allow you to feel like part of our community . Come along and we 'll give you a tour of your new home . " My mood had dropped a bit , but I still mustered up enthusiasm . I would prove these women wrong . Wiping the hair from my face , blown there by the wind , I nodded . This had to be better than a forced romance or marriage , after all . I had waited for this moment ever since the betrothal became official . She was a beautiful girl , with long blonde hair , a round face , big eyes , and a great figure . While other men might see her height as off - putting , not me . Our eyes could meet straight on , although for some reason she decided high heels at our wedding , elevating her above me . She might have intimidated me if not for her shyness . Avoiding our kiss in public ? Fear of talking to me ? How cute . I couldn 't wait to explore her mind and her body , having her open up to me and me only . We would create a true romance . " Jennifer ? " I asked again , stepping into the room . A servant had lit the fireplace and the air smelled of flowers , incense , and a little ash . The flames , even from the other side of the room , washed over me with waves of warmth . The bed was across from the fire with a canopy of transparent red drapery and silky white sheets . A side room had a bath filled with bubbling water . The view from the window pointed away from the ugly capital and toward the forested mountains , where the sun crested the peaks . Even the rugs on the floor made me want to fling off my boots and let them tickle my toes . I imagined my bride hiding in a corner , thinking herself not pretty enough , but the look on her face changing when she saw me marveling at her . I was truly lucky to have her as mine . Well , lucky and willing to take advantage of the major debt the Fronths owed my deceased father . Now , where was she ? I walked over to the bed but didn 't see anyone on it . She wasn 't on the other side , either . Under ? I took a peek , feeling silly . No , not there . No one in the bathroom , either . I went to the window , but she wasn 't on the balcony . I didn 't know where else she could be . Starting to get worried , I left the room and started looking through others , throwing open doors and shouting her name . I even found a few people in compromising positions , affected by the wine . But I didn 't care . I was the one who was supposed to be in a compromising position right now . Should I worry ? Should I be angry ? I didn 't know what to think . Going back to the banquet hall , I found her father , Franklin Fronth Sr . Sitting down at the empty table with him , I asked , " Where is your daughter ? " " Well , help me find her ! " I said , raising my voice . When people started looking at us , I lowered it again . What would they think of me if they knew I lost my wife on our first day of marriage ? " Can you get some people to look for her ? I don 't know where else to look . But keep it discreet . " Try as I might , the news ended up leaking as search party after the search party was formed . If Jennifer was in the estate , she hid as well as a ghost . And unless she was violently abducted , of which there was no evidence , it became clear she had abandoned me completely . Posted on January 27 , 2016January 28 , 2016Jack and Jill Jill entered the tall apartment building . It had been around for decades , without much updating to it . She had to go up three floors to get to her place . Her high heels hit the concrete floor as she entered , echoes announcing her presence . The groceries in her hands felt heavy enough to burst through the sacks . Perhaps it had been a mistake to visit the salon before buying food , because she always had to look her best when getting her manicure , but the combination of high heels and heavy groceries made her wonder if she would get blisters on her feet . After all , the nearest bus stop was three blocks from her place , and with the car in the shop , it was the only means of transportation she had left . She didn 't think it should have been all that unusual to bring groceries with her on the bus , but that day everyone must have agreed to make her look like a fool . On the way home she had stopped three times after getting off the bus to set down the bags and examine her hands . One of the nails broke during the trip home , and there were creases where the plastic had bit into her hands . One time , a dog had come over , sniffing her food , and she had to clumsily chase it away without tripping . Her husband always told her to wear shoes with wider heels , but she thought they looked ugly . If only he had stayed home today like he had said he would . Then he could have gone shopping , or taken care of the baby . Jack was a great husband and she knew she should not complain , but he sometimes acted strange around the neighbors , as if he did not trust them . One time he told her he thought the woman above them had drilled a hole through their ceiling and was spying on them . Most of the time , his theories were so funny , she had to stop herself from laughing . She still was not sure if he was serious or if he was joking . She suspected that the time he had sustained a concussion in football as a teen still affected him . But all of this had not stopped him from being a good husband and father . Maybe it was because she was thinking of him that she began feeling it . When she on the last set of stairs before getting to her place that she realized something was wrong . It was too silent . There was a tenseness in the air . She chastened herself for getting so worked up over nothing . She was imagining things . Yet she couldn 't help but feel something had happened . Her steps became slower , more languid the closer she got , as if wading through water . Her heartbeat was the only thing that sped up . Even these warning signs , though , could not prepare her for what she saw when she arrived on her floor and saw her apartment ahead of her . With a gasp , she let go of the groceries , food spilling everywhere . Jill looked at the crime scene , all emotions numbed . The blood that stained the floor cruelly held her gaze . How could that have been her favorite color ? She idly twisted her curly hair , thinking that it was nothing like the color of blood , even though she had been called red headed all her life . The man who had died , her neighbor , was middle aged , only a little bit older than her husband who had first asked her out when she was still in high school and he in college . She wondered if her life would come to such an abrupt stop when she reached this man 's age . What would people think of her ? She was nothing more than a housewife , although her mother would have told her that it was nothing to be ashamed of . Who would remember her if she died right now ? Her son was too young still ; her husband would obviously remember her , at least until he remarried . She did not have many friends , since she had moved here up in the northeast to be with Jack . Her father always complained about that in the family reunions she could attend , saying that she was turning into a liberal Yankee . Through the far apartment window , she saw the falling orange leaves . The police were telling her to leave now , that there was nothing to see , but their words were like butterflies , slow but elusive . How silly they were . There was plenty to see . She shivered . " Ma ' am , please allow us to conduct our investigation . If you want , we can assist you with your groceries . " She looked down at the bags , one yellow at the bottom from the broken eggs , and then back at the man in the uniform . He must have taken that as a nod , because he looked over at a reporter and told him to help her . Vaguely , she saw him resist , but he soon gave in and started collecting her bags as well as the food that had fallen out . Annoyed , he nodded for her to lead him to her apartment , but she wanted to continue looking through the open door , past the yellow tape . In the back of her mind , she knew it was morbid , but that part was not in control at the moment . This man , James something , had been her neighbor for about a year . He was single and apparently never had been married . Her husband always commented that a man his age should have settled down a long time ago , that he must be hiding something and that she should stay away from him . She had not been so suspicious of James , and sometimes had pleasant conversations about nothing with the man . Not that they had ever been close friends , although today she had trusted him with … Jill swore and ran into the man 's apartment , breaking the yellow tape and ignoring the yells of the police . " My baby ! My baby ! " Where was he ? If he were … she would never forgive herself . Panting , she rushed to the crib that she had left with James when she went out . She looked in , but there was nothing inside . Where was he ? The police grabbed her arms and pulled her out , forcefully . She struggled . She did not care about not disturbing the crime scene . They only got her out with a big struggle , leaving her crying . She slumped against the wall and put her face in her hands . Someone came over and tried to comfort her , but she ignored him . The tears flowed between her fingers . Later , she was in her apartment . The reporter had brought in the groceries and then had taken the opportunity to interview her . Each question had provoked more tears . Why couldn 't he leave her alone ? The police then told her they would do everything they could to locate her baby , since they had found no other body except that of her neighbor . These had been the longest hours of her life . Now they were all gone and she was picking at a bowl of macaroni and cheese mixed with tears . She heard the door open . Getting up , she tried to prepare to tell Jack the bad news . He had not answered his cell phone all day . She didn 't think she would be able to without becoming a total mess . She had cried for hours after getting home , and the tears had recently dried up , but rainstorms threatened to fill up the empty riverbeds of her face again . When he came into full view , Jill gasped . " Jason ! " Her son was alive ! She ran over to Jack and took her son from his hands . " How , where was , when , I was so , what ? " The cog that linked her mouth and mind stopped functioning . She could not believe it . Even though her son was frowning , his face looked as if it were glowing , the most beautiful sight in the world . She imagined that he was happier now that he was with his mother . She stared into those blue eyes , her hours of grief healed in the instant they blinked . She stood there with her son for several minutes , crying , ignoring everything around her , including her husband . Jill still couldn 't speak , though , and his words sounded like another language . She looked her baby in the eyes . " Honey . I came home early and heard Jason crying , but it did not come from our apartment . When I realized that James had him … like I always said , I never trusted him , and I thought he had … or you and he … " " Why would I know what happened ? " Jack said defensively . Then his cheeks colored . " Oh , that . Yeah , it 's a real tragedy . Good thing I got Jason out of there before it happened . " " Wow , I hadn 't even thought of that . Here I was , sitting at home , worried sick , and you protected our son the whole time . You really are a great husband and father , Jack . " Jill looked at him earnestly . Jack scratched the back of his head , forcing a smile . His sandy blond hair was reflected in their son , who burped at that moment . Jill turned to her husband . " Jack , why are there dark spots on your pants ? " Jack looked down at his pants and looked like he had woken up from a strange dream . " I … went to check on the car in the shop , honey . Behind the counter , they were showing highlights of the game last night on the TV , so I leaned in to get a better look . I guess it was pretty dirty , or greasy , because after , my pants were like this . Worse , even . " " How is the car , dear ? You wouldn 't believe what I had to go through today without that thing , and all to come home to this . " Tears started trickling down her face , and she tried to wipe them , but with Jason in her arms , she had a bit of trouble , having to shift the baby . Jack came over and hugged her , wiping the tears away as if it would erase all the pain . Jill looked at him and pouted . " Promise me this will never happen again , dear . " Later that night , Jack got up and went to get a snack . Jill watched him go , pretending to be asleep , but in reality she was wide - awake . The day 's events had taken a lot out of her , yet she could not fall into darkness 's forgetful embrace . She was relieved her son was fine . She felt bad that James had died . But there was something that weighed down on her mind more than anything else , and she had no idea what to do about it , or if she should tell anyone about it . Sometimes she wished she didn 't know Jack so well . This day had brought so many surprises , and Jill did not know how to handle them all . Sure that Jack was occupied for the time , she quietly picked up the phone receiver . She needed to get this off her mind , and perhaps it would be best this way . What was someone to do in this kind of situation ? Maybe she should wait until he was at work the next day . But she would not be able to sleep with this on her mind . Her fingers trembled as she pushed each button . Who knew three numbers would be so hard to punch in ? When a voice came through , it felt glaringly loud . She looked up and glanced around , hoping Jack hadn 't heard her . It didn 't look like he had , so she began whispering into the receiver . Too late . The gun tore a hole right through the light blue abdomen , searing everything the energy touched . The creature collapsed , dead . The others looked horrified . Some jumped back into the sea , others rushed forward to actually attack the humans this time . Kaleb found himself running towards them , not sure what he hoped to accomplish . Foelhe was the next to act , Dalin too shocked at what he had done . He shot another of the blue men from afar . It fell back and its twisted bones could be heard from where Kaleb was standing . With the help of his helmet , of course , but that noise haunted him . Foelhe was going to take out another when Kaleb pushed him to the side . They both fell down . The others with Dalin took aim , hesitantly . The hesitation cost them . Somehow , a large wave reached them , pulling them down to the depths . They let go of their guns and tried scrambling out , but out of the wave came more of the blue things , grabbing them and preventing escape . As long as they had their armor on , they would be all right , but if the creatures found a way to break in , they would drown . Kaleb didn 't have an answer , but still couldn 't allow his companion to slaughter the natives . Their job was to explore , make contact , and set up a friendly base . Killing them all would put an end to that idea , permanently . They might have ended it already . His visor was full of mud and pebbles , so he tried wiping it clean , but didn 't get much off . He did see Foelhe 's figure get up , though , and take aim again . " Stop it , Foelhe ! We were to make contact , not come as conquerers . " " Maybe these savages need conquerers , " Foelhe said . Kaleb imagined him sneering . " We were never going to lower ourselves to their level . We were going to civilize them . Make them in our image . They have nothing they can offer us . " Foelhe snorted . " They weren 't controlling the waves , they saw it rising and swam in it . Now stop annoying me , I have to show them their place . " Kaleb stood up , placing himself between Foelhe and the natives . His back camera showed that the natives stopped chasing Dalin and were looking at him curiously . Maybe he could convince these they came in peace . " Kaleb , you are making a mistake . I didn 't come here to try to learn a language , or make peace offerings to these primitives . I came because it was the only way to get these suits and guns outside of a virtual sim . I want to hunt , and these violent monsters make the perfect practice . " " And I 'm fully justified in everything I do . I doubt the men up top will care enough to listen , anyway . " Foelhe waved his gun in Kaleb 's direction . Kaleb spread out his arms in protest . " Fine . There are natives that want to kill me . You won 't let me defeat them myself . So I must use force . " With that , he shot Kaleb . It was a low setting , a warning shot , just stunning him . Fear entered into his mind . Foelhe was more dangerous than any animal on this planet . He had the mind of a killer , but had never had the chance to use it until now . Foelhe was between Kaleb and the natives . Kaleb tried to focus his attention on himself . " You don 't want to do this , we can still make peace . " Looking at him , Foelhe laughed . " You 're not going to change me , Kaleb . If you don 't want to be a murderer , sticking to some vague principle of rightness , do that . But I am not limited by your moral system . " By then , some of the blue natives had crept up behind Foelhe . They looked ready to attack . Kaleb began to talk to Foelhe again , ready to say anything to distract him , but Foelhe ignored him , turned around , and started blasting the creatures . The screams would haunt Kaleb 's mind for many sleepless nights , if he ever walked away from this . Taking out his own gun , he resolved to stop this . His finger reached the trigger , but the vague principles of rightness made him hesitate . The hesitation cost him , as Foelhe immediately turned around and shot him . This time at full power . Kaleb breathed , straining . Finally he was able to feel the sand as it crept into his armor , now compromised . His bosses would not be happy with that . But it did have a unique texture . Foelhe 's voice was no longer coming through the speakers , but his movements showed his glee . Vision going double , Kaleb shifted his gun in the sand . Kaleb stayed silent as Foelhe 's screams mixed with the weeping natives . Dalin and the others were nowhere to be seen . Hopefully he had made some sort of difference . It was cold , even though it wasn 't supposed to be cold on the beach except at night . The sun was shining . It looked different through the atmosphere . Not so lonely . Both Foelhe and Kaleb died around the same time . Only thirteen point eight five seconds separating them . Dalin and his subordinates remained down there , but Helman decided to let them fend for themselves for a bit longer . His interest in Foelhe and Kaleb occupied his mind right now . He went to the pod . Gas steamed out as it opened . Waving his hand to clear it away , he looked in , seeing a familiar shape . Kaleb 's body looked like a baby 's , cuddled up in a fetal position , with only skintight underwear on . He looked cold . Wires were coming out of every part of him . A meter away , another pod opened . Helman put himself between the two . Foelhe 's body looked much the same as Kaleb 's from this perspective , just that his skin was a bit lighter . Slowly , the two of them awoke , fingers twitching , eyes moving before they finally opened . Kaleb let out a breath of relief . Foelhe clutched the edge of the pod , eyes open wide . " Well , good news for both of you . You 're not dead . " He let them take that in , since he was sure they didn 't want to see him in an afterlife . " You never went down to the surface . That was a lie . You 're still here , in Zeta . We got you all dressed up in your environmental suits , and had you sit down in what you thought was the ribbon , then drugged you and brought you back here . " " The suits walked here on their own and deposited you , " Helmen said with his tight smile . " This whole thing was a test . We needed to know how well you would handle it . " " You get to go down with others who have passed , if you want . You see , none of our technology works down there , except for the most primitive devices that don 't rely on electricity . No one knows why that is , and we need someone to find out . Posted on January 19 , 2016Crucifixion John Remalto knocked on the door . Knock knock . They had told him this would be a story that only he could do , that they only trusted him with , no one else . He had no idea what was so special , but then , as an award winning journalist , it was his job to find out . " I 'm John Remalto , we have an appointment . " John wondered if he had the right address . He looked down at the touchpad in his hand . Before he could double - check , though , the door closed . Why is everyone so rude ? John thought , about to turn around . " Sorry about that , I had to make sure you weren 't some crazy out to get me , " came the voice again as the door opened , this time all the way . Great , this guy 's paranoid . But he was a professional , and didn 't say anything , just smiled . " Come in . " The apartment had papers strewn all about , so that John had to look closely to see if there was a carpet , or if that was the papers ' function . It was not like most people used much paper these days . John had his touchpad out , ready to take notes , record his conversation , and set to block any calls from his wife . This had better be worth his time . He noticed the window to his right was open . John had lived in this city when he was a child , so he glanced out from where he stood and tried to recognize anything from his youth . The buildings were familiar , but there was a mental ward below that he did not recognize . He tried to remember what had been there before . A dove flew past the window . " Have a seat , " came the voice again , this time with a body . John surveyed his newest story . Glasses , graying hair , white suit coat ( even in his own house ? ) , bad posture , and piercing blue eyes . He was holding a little necklace in his hands , fiddling with it . John sat down on the couch facing the window , surprised it wasn 't covered in papers as well . The middle aged man sat down in front of him on a stool , backlit by the gray sunlight streaming in . The paper crumpled as he walked over it . " So you are the famed Dr . Mark Nitlin , renowned scientist and theorist . " John stated . The man nodded . " Nice place you have here . " Dr Nitlin looked around , embarrassed , as if suddenly aware of the state of his apartment . John waved a hand . " Don 't worry , I 'm not here to judge , I just want your story . They tell me you 've discovered something that could change our lives forever . " Dr . Nitlin straightened up when John started mentioning the discovery , and his whole appearance changed . No longer was he the timid and awkward man from before , but one full of pride and self importance . Much better that way for John , because now it would be all the easier to coax any information from him . " ' I have only shared it with other trusted scientists , but now that I am ready to publish my findings , I also want an article published , so the public at large could understand its significance , without having to know all the scientific details . " " Enemies , huh ? Must be pretty important . And if it is , I assure you , we will be best friends . " Controversies always sold more . It looks like he had come to the right place . " My discovery is not so important by itself , I will admit , no more than any other number of discoveries that have come before it . I am not even sure there are any practical uses for it . " What ? If there was no practical use , then what use was there ? John became worried . " What exactly does your discovery entail , Doctor ? " Instead of answering directly , the scientist stood up and went to the window , looking out on the artificial environment below . Where there had once been trees , now public projector screens played endless advertisements . " In the past decades , especially in the early 2000 's , there have been several major scientific discoveries . With each one , humanity was able to let go of false traditions and turn an eye to the future , towards independence . My breakthrough has scientific importance , but more importantly , it had social and culture relevance . " What is he getting at ? thought John . If there was no real story here , then he had wasted his time . He knew he should have used the teleconference option , instead of coming to meet the guy in person . The man beckoned him to the window , and reluctantly John got up , leaving the soft sofa . Paper crumpled beneath his feet . At the window , Dr . Nitlin rubbed his necklace , which had the number six on the end , and pointed to the mental ward John had noticed earlier . Thinking hard , he came up with an answer , to the surprise of them both . " It was a church . " He remembered his mother taking him there once , although he had been bored the whole time . Dr Nitlin scowled . " Once , it was used to psychologically treat people 's depression , with little success . Now it medically treats it , with much greater success . With our new knowledge and tools , we are evolving as a society . Just like with the Greek Gods , the notions of the past are systematically being replaced as science gives us new understanding of the human condition , our place in the universe , and where we came from . In fact , that is precisely what I discovered . " Now we are getting somewhere , thought John , wanting to get away from the subject of religion . Any mention of that made him queasy . His purpose in life was to make a lot of money , and he was doing well with that , so trying to make him feel bad for anything else he had done did not sit well with him . Although , sometimes he wondered where this world and humanity came from . If the doctor would get on and actually tell him , his visit might serve two purposes , one he had not even foreseen . " What I have done is to complete what so many other scientists , conscious of it or not , have tried to achieve . I represent the culmination of their efforts . The evidence is undeniable ; my colleagues agree with me . This is why I have enemies , because there are always people who oppose humanity 's progress . Soon , the voice of reason will make the blind fools give up , and this part of humanity 's history will come to an end . " I doubt any discovery you made could be so important as to mark an era in history . This guy 's full of himself . " All right , Dr . Nitlin , you 've got my attention . What is so important about your discovery ? Give me a title for the article that is worthy of your achievement . " " Science has always warred against ignorance and superstition . Well , now , I have dealt the deathblow . Science has come out triumphant . What I have proven means there is no longer a need for the struggling churches . John Remalto , you want a title ? Well , here it is . " John looked at the scientist ; he seemed almost in his own world now , the eyes not focusing on anything . His fist clenched the necklace . Chills went down John 's spine as the doctor spoke . Within fifteen minutes , he arrived at the gates . With the help of some of his guards , after dispatching Jadek 's , he pushed open the doors in a dramatic gesture . Light from the cloudy sky filled the hall . His footsteps echoed all around him . Going in deeper , dispatching more guards , Brom entered the hall to confront Jadek . He wanted Arabella , and no one would stop him . Clenching his sword until it hurt , as well as his teeth , he scanned the dark room . At the back facing him was his nemesis . " You have broken the treaty , Brom , " came the voice from the shadows . Brom 's vision adjusted to the darkness . Jadek looked like he wanted to jump out of his throne and strangle him . Brom almost wanted him to try . " I 'm right here , " Arabella said , coming out of the shadows to the right of Jadek . Lush golden hair , delicate face , cherry lips , swaying hips . Brom lost his breath . " You should have left us . " Brom couldn 't believe what he was hearing . She was to be his wife . She couldn 't hate him . He had done so much for her . No , this was a mistake . She had been manipulated . This wasn 't her talking . He knew it . She would never say something like that in her right mind . Jadek had some leverage on her . Thus began the battle , Brom 's guards versus Jadek 's . Brom helped , giving the advantage to his side . The fight lasted several minutes , and Jadek escaped with Arabella , but Brom couldn 't get through . His own side suffered several losses before he disabled the last of them . As soon as possible , he took off after Jadek and Arabella . He wasn 't sure where they had gone , but could guess . The castle wasn 't unfamiliar to him . Because Arabella wore heels , she slowed them down , and Brom found them trying to escape in the back entrance . " She 's not your wife yet , and she came to me . We love each other ; she didn 't want to get married to someone she couldn 't love . Will you not allow us happiness ? " Brom sheathed his sword , breathing hard . He walked up to Jadek , each step a battle . Glancing at Arabella with regret , he held out his hand . Jadek took it , hesitantly . Grabbing onto his hand , Brom took out his sword with the other and impaled Jadek , pulling him closer . Arabella screamed and ran to Brom , hitting him with her fists . Brom ignored her . Jadek 's eyes grew lifeless and he coughed blood . Brom pulled out the sword and let Jadek drop to the ground . Tired of hitting him , Arabella dropped to the ground as well , putting her body over his and crying . Brom left them , sighing . A month later , they were married . Brom was crowned prince of Thromwell as well , ruling in absence of his father . Arabella promised she would hate him forever , and did not let him in her rooms ever , not even on their wedding night . He didn 't have the will to argue . A few days later Brom was on the throne in a pose of deep and sad contemplation . Trumpets started blaring , shaking him from his mental fantasy . The doors opened and in strode a regal figure . someone with a purpose . It reminded Brom of himself so recently , coming in on Jadek . " Brom Filmor , " his father , Reginald , said . Although he said it pleasantly enough , undercurrents of anger were manifest . " I have come for an accounting of the stewardship I left you . " " Yes , yes , " Brom said , waving his hand and turning around . He clasped his hands behind his back . " Hadrian counseled me against all of this , and I didn 't listen . " Reginald stayed silent , but put his chin in his hand . Hadrian cleared his voice and began the report . " There was an … altercation . It ended up in a battle between Thromwell and Filmor . In the end , we lost two hundred and twenty three soldiers . Thromwell lost many more , mostly civilians of fighting age . Also , Jadek , king of Thromwell , was killed . Without heirs , and in the confusion , Brom declared himself king of Thromwell . " " We had to resort to the defensive . The Mithics will be coming to invade soon . I had hoped to recruit from Filmor and Thromwell to put together one last defense of our kingdoms , but with the needless losses you caused , I don 't know if it will be enough . Plus , we cannot count on the morale of Thromwell 's troops , now . They might prefer Mithic rule to our own . " Reginald took a step forward , his anger finally showing . " Is that all you can say ? Sorry ? You destroyed the kingdom while I was gone ! All you had to do was nothing ! Was that so hard ? " They stared at each other . Reginald finally spoke up . " Hopefully the Mithics will allow our family to continue ruling under them . Even though it 's unlikely you 'll be producing heirs anytime soon . I hope you enjoyed being the hero , son . You conquered a kingdom , now we will be conquered . We need great leadership in this time of change . Which means no more heroics . " Brom straightened up on his seat , situated by his father 's throne , empty as usual . This was the first tiding in days that had interested him . In fact , he had been caught up in a daydream about his future wife . He had only met her once , but that had been enough to leave him smitten . Declared one of the beauties of the land , Arabella 's smile , so timid but so knowing at the same time , enchanted him . His thoughts had wandered to the wedding night when the unfortunate news came . " Arabella ! " he said , rising from his seat and whisking his cape in back of him . " Something must be done . Who kidnapped her ? Where were they heading ? " " It would seem the logical conclusion , " one of his advisors , Hadrian , said . " What course of action would you suggest in the absence of your father ? Diplomacy ? Espionage ? " " Heroics , " Brom said , ignoring the messengers kneeling uncomfortably on the hard floor . " There will be no tolerance for such an audacious act . Prepare the military . " " My prince , I would advise against such drastic terms . We have a trade agreement with the Thromwells , and marching an army into their territory would be an egregious break of trust . " Hadrian , with his balding head , furrowed his brows , making him look more ancient than his forty years . Brom remembered the messengers , waiting to be addressed , and waved them away . Most of them left , but one stayed near , half bowing , looking hesitant . Brom waved him away more energetically ; annoyed he had to waste so much energy on the man . The messenger smiled and left , running after his coworkers . Hadrian and Brom were alone now . Hadrian sighed . " You are the regent while your father is gone , and you have every right to be concerned about the welfare of your future wife , but remember that I recommended against it . Only you will answer to your father when this is over . " " And receive all the praise , " Brom said . " Really , this won 't even be an issue . Don 't fret , I will cast you in the best light possible . " " As you will , my prince . I desire the best for your journey . I will notify the general of your decision . But please , do not make enemies lightly . " " Assemble the men , " Brom ordered from his horse . The flag bearer raised the horn and blew . Brom felt the vibrations pulsing as they reverberated through the valley . His men offered up a cheer as the march began . He smiled down on them as a loving father would . He yelled out as loud as he could , hoping his thousand men could hear him . " Your future queen , Arabella , has been kidnapped . We must rescue her . We believe she is held captive in Melfor with the Thromwells . Once we arrive , leave no house , no store , no alley unsearched . " Thinking about Hadrian , he said , " Avoid violence , but use it as necessary . And do whatever is required to save the princess 's life . " The city of Melfor stretched before them , vast as the clouds in the sky . In the distance stood Thromwell castle , where Brom was sure he would find Arabella . In case Jadek , the elder son who recently inherited the throne after his father died of the yellow fever , saw Brom coming and sent Arabella away into the city , he would have his men enter in and search every house . Luckily , most of Jadek 's men were with Brom 's father , fighting in the alliance against the usurpation of the Kingdom of Grim by the Mithics . They made it to the gates of the town before getting any response . One of Jadek 's guards came out to meet them , dressed in violet finery , but looking annoyed . " What is the meaning of this , Prince Brom ? Just because your father didn 't bring as many troops with him to war as we did doesn 't give you the right to trample into our fair city . " " Arabella ? Who is she ? " There was a look of such confusion on the man 's face that for a moment Brom thought he might not know . Only for a moment , though . " Put up your guard , because I am going to rescue her ! " Brom charged Firion with his sword raised . Firion barely had time to take out his sword and block the strike which left him trembling . One of the men escorting Firion backed away and pulled out a horn . It took him a few tries , but it sounded throughout the city , while Firion and Brom fought . Brom 's army marched forward , ready to take on the opposing host . Brom had to admit , the guard was a good swordsman , but that was no surprise , given his position . Still , Brom was bigger and used his brute force to his advantage . His troops marched past him . Swords clashed , ringing nearly as loud as the horn . Thrust , side slash , feint , parry , thrust again . Brom pressed down , hoping to break Firion 's stance . When that didn 't work , he slid down and slid his foot in an arc , trying to trip him , but only managing to unbalance him . Firion fell down , Brom on top . Not about to take any chances , Brom plunged the sword into Firion 's chest , pushing through the armor . Firion just gurgled in surprise , eyes already going blank . Inside the city , people were running out of their houses , screaming . This only encouraged Brom 's army to chase after , pillaging and plundering . Brom hadn 't meant for this to happen , but getting control of them now would be nearly impossible , and he had to get to Castle Thromwell . Taking a unit of disciplined soldiers , he left orders with the general to round up the army and he took off . A few peasants tried to stand up to him , yelling , calling him names , but he just cut them down . The castle stood like a white beacon , and everything else in sight was just a distraction . Arabella was waiting for him . |
After having to leave her apartment , Mai rents a room at an old boarding house . She strikes an unusual friendship with her proprietor 's ten - year - old son , who , with his serious problems with abuse , forces her to face the ghosts of her past . WARNING ( S ) : CONTAINS TRIGGERS FOR RAPE , CHILD ABUSE , AND COMPLICATIONS WITH CHILD DELIVERY / BIRTH Erected before her was a decrepit version of the home in the photo printed in the newspaper . Most of the paint had peeled off , and the cracked , wooden façade was bleached white from the hot sun . The front porch sloped down and had a hole in the center of the stairs where the third stair had collapsed . The windows , clean and unbroken , had what appeared to be bedsheets torn in pieces hung around the glass . They waved limply , like little white hands of ghost children . It was June and hot ; the temperature shooting to thirty - five degrees Celsius . She had tucked in a sleeveless white cotton - thread blouse into a knee - length red skirt of a velvety fabric that , according to her grandparents , had once belonged to her mother . Standing in her modest attire and sweating under the blazing sun , she tried to find the proprietor 's name on the advertisement . She spotted a name after the address and she squinted to read it , bringing the paper closer to her face . It read : ' Jounouchi … ' She couldn 't read after that ; the paper was blotted with dark ink . A mistake in printing , perhaps ? She started walking to the house , and stopped just in front of the stairs . Was she really going to live here ? Would it be worth it ? Why not take out a loan for a nice apartment , the apartment in the city she 'd been looking at for some time now ? She could take out a loan , pay it back little by little , and live in peace . She could do it . Her apartment , her own apartment ; living just like before , with nobody but herself in her own apartment . She could stay inside all day , drinking sherry , and then maybe some wine , or brandy and gin . It would be so wonderful , wouldn 't it ? So let 's go , go back to the city , go back to the apartment ; go , go , go . No . Not that , not anymore . She gathered all her thoughts and set them aside before she walked to the door , taking care to step around the broken stairs . She found the doorbell on the side of the door frame , the only thing that shone brightly ; it was like a little black beetle . She crushed it with her finger and waited for an answer . Almost immediately , she heard muffled voices came the door . She thought she heard someone shouting about a mess before the heavy sound of latches sliding and clanking drowned out the yelling . The door was yanked open and a large , bearded man with squinty eyes came into view . He gave her a quick one - over before his expression turned sour . " Who 're you ? " he asked , a distasteful expression twisting his face . His jowls flapped with every word he said . " You a fed , or something ? " he asked warily , inching the door forward more and more , readying himself to slam it shut . He squinted hard at the newspaper ad , thrusting his face forward and acting as if he 'd never seen it before in his life . Then he grunted . " Just a sec . " He turned and closed the door halfway . She heard him shouting into his home : " You still haven 't cleaned that up ? What 's wrong with you ? Hurry up , already ! " There was a ruckus inside the house that sounded to her like metal and glass rolling and scraping a wooden floor . She angled her neck in the hopes of seeing what it was when the noise stopped and the man came back pulling the front door open all the way . The house was no longer dark , and the suspicious look on the man 's face was replaced with an almost charming , crooked grin . " Sorry about that , " he said as he retreated into his home . The floorboards creaked after him like a timid child . " Come in , " he said to her . To her , it sounded more like a demand ; his voice powerful and booming as it bounced off the walls . She followed him wordlessly , step by step , little by little , in fear of bringing the house down . Her first step inside seemed to make the whole house creak and groan , and the second made the floor squelch and sink under her weight . She wondered if she was doing the right thing , going into such a poor home ; there was a cool breeze filtering into the room - a draft ? Where is it coming from ? - and she realized after a moment that it was air conditioning . She complied , but was careful in doing so , feeling that the mere action of shutting the door would be too much for the old house - the very foundations are in danger ! The door shut with a soft click . The house was still standing . There was a small wooden table and two chairs in the far end of the room , in front of the kitchen counter . She took the chair across from the man and found it had a short leg . Her body wobbled forward , and she had to put a hand on the table in front of her to steady herself . An awkward silence came between them , though it appeared that he was oblivious to it . The man in front of her produced a wad of papers ; they were old , dog - eared , and stained with coffee … And there was a gun . It was taken apart , so she wasn 't as concerned about it as she was with the wobbling chair ; it fell back and forth , back and forth . She turned away so she wouldn 't have to see it , but it had already settled down in her thoughts . " Rent 's eighty - thousand * a month . There 's an extra twenty - thousand for utilities … " He was reading off the paper with his squinty eyes , following his finger as he ran it down the lines . He paused every now and then to give a wheezing cough or scratch the back of his neck . Whatever the question he had for her , it must have gotten lost because he was poking his tongue around in his mouth like he was looking for the words . " You got that kind of money lying around , and you come here of all places ? You sure you 're not some kind of fed ? Last time I rented out to one of them feds and almost got my kid shot . Hell , even I got shot , right here . " With a flourish , he lifted his shirt and there it was , the place he 'd been shot , the scar plain as day over his ribs on his left . It looked like a second bellybutton that had been sewn shut . He dropped his shirt after showing off his battle wound , looking almost prideful . " I don 't want anything like that happening here again , " he said with a frown . " That sort of thing happens a lot , sometimes , so I had to get a gun . So far , I only had to fire it twice . " He raised his hand . " Now , I haven 't killed anybody , but when you gotta keep your kid safe , you gotta do whatever you can to do it . It 's why I clean it every day . I gotta be prepared , you know ? " He gave a barking sort of laugh . " Well , then , what do you work as ? You look like the secretary type , for those corporate heads or something . " His eyes darkened with something she couldn 't figure out ; distaste , maybe ? " As what ? " He asked it tentatively , as if he wouldn 't like her answer no matter what she said . She let her words hang in the air , waiting for a reaction . His expression remained the same ; it changed only when he lifted a hand to rub over his face . When he pulled away , there was a look that showed he didn 't want to care when he did . " I don 't want no trouble or anything . Don 't make noise when you get home . " " You wanna take a look at your place , now ? " He was done reading and was looking at her again , his eyes forever squinting . He was trying to read her , now , but she knew he couldn 't . Nobody could , not anymore . He stopped squinting at her and frowned instead . Then he craned his thick neck around and hollered over his shoulder , " Katsuya ! Get out here ! " There was no answer but silence . The man muttered something under his breath that sounded vaguely like , " That no good , lazy son of mine , " and shouted again , louder : " Katsuya ! " She watched the large , burly man gesture towards her . " This is … " He scratched the back of his neck and turned to her . " Sorry , I never asked for your name , " he said , though she could hear that he wasn 't sorry at all . The man grunted , still bothered - about her ? About her job ? - and jerked his thumb over his shoulder . " This is Katsuya , " he introduced . Then , after a while , he added , waving him over : " My son . " " Ow , " the boy whined , shooting his father a look . But he turned his face up to look at her and gave her a short bow . " It 's nice to meet you , " he greeted politely , loud enough for her to hear . When he straightened up again , there was a faint blush scattered across his face as he peered at her through his unruly bangs . His father continued : " He 's gonna show you around . The room you 're renting is upstairs . You gotta go out and get up those stairs outside . They 're rusting , but they won 't break . I fixed it up and whatever a week ago . I was gonna paint it , along with the house , but my idiot son knocked over the can of paint on the porch . I had to bleach it out ' cause it looked like a rainbow puked all over it … " She didn 't listen , only paid attention to the way his words sometimes slurred together . While he rambled , she took in his thin , white tank and old jeans . The kitchen counter behind him was cluttered with papers and leftover food , and a familiar smell that she hadn 't been aware of before suddenly grabbed her attention . What was that , she wondered , that smelled so familiar ? It was neither pleasant nor unpleasant ; just familiar . " … and this place might look like shit , but yours is okay , sort of . I got it fixed up a few weeks ago . Or a month ago . I don 't remember , but I know I got it fixed up and looking nice … " Her eyes followed the crowded counter and fell when it did , right down to more clutter on the floor . There were shirts and pants and wrappers and plastic bags , all bundled up together on the floor . And bottles . Lots and lots of bottles ; dark brown , emerald , and gold , all over the floor , some lined up and some lying sideways . Alcohol ; beer . It was the smell of beer . She couldn 't help but frown . Her chair couldn 't help but wobble , as if it tried to apologize to her for the mess in the house as it tilted back and forth - so - rry , so - rry . " … I know , ain 't that all bullshit ? I wanted to sue him , but I couldn 't find a lawyer who coulda helped me so I had to pay them to throw out their own shit . That 's when I decided to so the paint job myself , but , " here , he gave a barking laugh , " you know how that turned out … " She had lost track of what he was saying , but she was glad he didn 't notice . She 'd always been told that it was women who spoke endlessly . So much for that . " Kay . " The boy quickly crossed the room and was out the door in a heartbeat . She could hear his feet clanging loudly on the metal staircase , shaking it . She was afraid it would break . As if he sensed her concern , the man said : " Don 't worry , it 'll hold . I 've gone up and down a few times , and if it can keep me up , you 'll definitely be fine . " Then , he nodded in his son 's presumable direction outside . " He 'll probably be talkin ' about a shit load of nonsense . Hope you don 't mind . He 's got a lot of energy , so he always running his mouth off and hopping all over the place . " THE ROOM FOR rent up on the second floor looked much better than the rest of the house . The walls were painted a light blue , and there was new carpeting laid out on the ground . An empty bed was pushed against the window to make the room look bigger than it actually was . " This is your room , " the boy said , zipping from corner to corner with a level of energy she herself once had . " The plumbing is new , and so is the wiring . Everything should work just fine … And look ! You can see the city from this window . See ? There 's the train . " He climbed onto the bare mattress and leaned on the window sill to watch the train spiraling through the city . " I took the train once , with my dad . I went with him to work . On the way , we passed this really tall building , taller than everything else , with lots of glass windows . It was so cool ! " Then , he added , " But my dad told me the guy who worked there was a no - good , money - grubbing , bas - … Oh , I forgot . I can 't say that word . It 's supposed to be a bad word . " She withheld her laugh . " Really ? " She was skeptical . It was rare to hear that Kaiba was agreeable . She came to sit on the mattress next to him , leaning on the windowsill with her arm to perch her cheek in her hand . He looked at her as she did so , but quickly abandoned her for the sky . " Yeah , that . " He shrugged and turned his face back to the sky . " It 's okay now , though . I learned how to fight . " He gave her a sheepish look . " Nah , not my dad . It was that guy from the cool building . He said he watched me get beat up a lot and told me that if I didn 't do anything back I 'd probably stay a loser for the rest of my life . " He rubbed the side of his neck . " He didn 't teach me how to fight , but he taught me how to defend myself . He said that was all I had to know , and that if I was smart enough I 'd figure out how to fight back . " He turned and grinned at her , a warming look of pride glowing in his eyes . " It took me a while , but I can do it now . " She didn 't say anything , and he jumped off the bed and was at a doorway she hadn 't noticed yet before she could blink her eyes . " There 's another room back here , too . It 's kinda small , but it 's like a secret hideout . I forgot what it 's called . It 's like … a walk - in something . Let me show you ! " SHE SIGNED THE papers with a black pen , the tip gliding with each stroke she made . Before , a long time ago , she used to sign documents with a stamp . It was a heavy , gold stamp , and it 'd been in her family for years . She had to sell it , though , to pay for her dead career in modeling . Then , it was his turn to sign . He grabbed the pen awkwardly , as if he hadn 't held a pen for ages , and scrawled something across the line . She tried to see his name , but his handwriting was horrendous . Jounouchi … That was all she could read ; the other characters were a scribbled mess . His hands were large and strong . The pen pressed into the paper , making grooves of invisible lines onto the next page . He paused to scratch behind his neck before turning the page and signing again . She watched him carefully ; his pen gripped tightly in his fingers , which were thick with blunt nails - they were huge ! There was only one other person she knew who had hands so big - he was American , wasn 't he ? - Sweet pea , he called her , and then that laugh , that horrible , horrible laugh , like everything was so funny and just a joke ; only that was what he was : a joke , a great , big joke . " Well , that settles that , then , " he said , handing her half of the papers ; her copy of the contract . Then , he stuck his hand out and grinned at her . " Welcome to the family , " he declared , laughing heartily . Slowly , she took it , and he grasped her hand tightly and gave it a firm shaking . She managed a smile , but it drooped away when she looked at his hand again . Her eyes flicked to the boy and his neck , and the fading bruise . Then back to his hand . Then back to the bruise . Hand . Bruise . He let go and didn 't notice her face as he walked back inside , and she watched the boy follow closely at his father 's side . At the door , the boy peered over his shoulder a moment with a questioning look . He stopped , the look on his face afraid - of her ? - or maybe she imagined that , because now he was shooting her a grin as brilliant as the sun . THREE WEEKS AFTER she had settled in , Kisara came to see her at work . She had come to the bar wearing a blazer over a white satin dress . It looked like she herself had some work to do , judging by the cut of her dress and the nude stilettos she had thrown on top of the counter as if she owned the bar . " So ? " she began , cradling a tiny glass of seltzer water between her hands , " were you able to find the apartment of your dreams ? " She was in good spirits , as usual , as she asked this . She was smiling a coy kind of smile , all the while looking down at her bubbling drink as she perched on the stool behind the counter . Mai pulled one out and slipped down the length of the counter , trading it for the notes he waved . On the way back up , she tapped someone on the shoulder ; he was wasted . He blinked groggily up at her and , when his vision cleared up enough to see that it was a woman , grinned . She was already dialing a cab . She sent him out with Johnny , who she found messing around out back , and made sure he got on that cab . As soon as she came back inside , someone grabbed her arm and leaned over the counter , her chest spilling out over the top of her camisole . Mai whipped one up one - handedly with lightening speed , having prepared herself after seeing this woman - she was becoming a regular , now - stumble towards the bar , and gently pried the stranger 's hand off her arm . She dropped the drink on the counter , the glass landing with a heavy clunk . " You 've got one . Now , shoo , " she said , flicking her hand at her . It was happy hour at the bar , and this was routine for a Friday night . Everything was the same ; the same faces , the same voices , the same drinks . She couldn 't remember how many drinks she made , how many times she poured into glasses the same things : vodka , rum , gin , whiskey , cream , milk , juice , ice , water ; shot , after shot , after shot . Even the music was the same ; the loud synthesizer rifts , the heavy eurodance beats , the booming bass - it milked their bodies of sweat , salty beads pooling and dripping down faces , down necks , down backs , with every beat , hook , and - Kisara didn 't even spare the man a look as she responded : " You can 't afford me . " Then , Kisara turned her attention back to her . " I 'm pregnant , " she declared , thrusting three fingers out in front of her . " It 's been three weeks . " Kisara was grinning , proudly ; the proud look of a mother . She stopped wiping off the counter to stare at her . " Have you told him yet ? " she asked , hiding the cloth away . She watched the man who had been next to Kisara catch sight of another woman quickly sashaying her way through the bar and run off after her . " Of course . Sorry you weren 't the first to know . I found out two days ago . I didn 't know how to reach you . You wouldn 't answer your phone . " A weary looking worker brought a tray of empty glasses to the counter . " This is just like my life , " she said to her , shaking her head bitterly . " A tray of empty glasses . All lined up in a row . Ain 't that something ? " Without even waiting for a reply , the woman left to line more empty glasses on another tray . Kisara clucked her tongue . " Poor girl . I 've never seen her smile in all the days I 've come here . " She sighed and finished off the rest of her seltzer . She took Kisara 's glass and added it to the full tray . She took them down and piled them up behind the counter . Johnny would be back soon from whatever break he 's taking ; he 'd take care of them . " Because he doesn 't . " Her tone was firm and final , and now Kisara was frowning . Her friend sighed . " I thought you 'd be happy about this . " Her hands were starting to shake . This was bad . " I am . I 'm sorry . I really am . It 's just - " I 've done this too , she wanted to shout , and look at me now ! Watching the same people , making the same drinks , hearing the same music , stacking the same empty glasses ; all behind a counter , this blasted counter ; this wall ! " - I don 't want you to get hurt , " she said instead , taking the glass back in her hands ; her small hands ; her shaking hands . Kisara wasn 't worried . " You were the one who set us together in the first place . Don 't you remember ? It was when you were - " Now , Kisara was worried . " What 's wrong ? Are you okay ? " Kisara got off her stool and leaned forward , grasping her hand . " Mai , you 're so cold ! " " Something happened ? " the man echoed . He seemed to remember something and turned to her as she grabbed her jacket . " Hey , that 's right ! Did ya find a place to stay ? That apartment you were saving for , did ya find it ? " " Yes , I found it , " she snapped , pulling on the red windbreaker . She was yelling at them : " I found it , okay ? I found it ! " IT WAS DARK when she got out of station , and close to three in the morning when she reached the old boarding house . Carefully , she took the rickety stairs . Halfway up and the front door opened with a loud racket , banging against the façade . Her proprietor appeared , eyes squinting meanly up at her from the sunken front porch . " Where 're you goin ' , missy ? Didn 't I tell ya not t ' come back ? " Clearly , he was mistaking her for someone else . She couldn 't even say a word before he cut in , raising a bottle accusingly at her . Her heart began to hammer in her chest , and her grip on the banister tightened . " I know what yer tryna do here , " he slurred , managing to pry a finger off the bottle to point at her . He took a wobbling step forward and looked meanly at her . " You . You tryna kill me ? You tryna set the house on fire again ? Huh ? Did my wife send ya here ? Where is she , that little cock - sucking coward … " He took staggering steps around the porch , not seeing anything but his mind , not hearing anything but his voice . " Get out here , you little bitch ! Y ' don 't scare me ! " Then he hobbled his way back to the stairs . He grabbed the rusting banister and started shaking it and shouted : " I know she 's here ! Where is she ? You hidin ' her up in yer whore room , are ya ? Are ya ? " Her proprietor let go . " Why that no good brat … I 'm gonna kill you ! I bet you knocked over my bottle o ' beer , didn ' you ! " He shouted , his hand clenching tightly over the neck of his beer bottle . He stumbled into the house , voice raising and shouting and making beastly noises . She was rooted to the ground until she heard a door slam with terrible force . She was jolted back , and she hurriedly climbed up the stairs . She fumbled with the key and shut the door behind her . She wasn 't afraid , not a bit . She locked the door , and kept the lights off . She could hear them ; angry shouting , furious voices , and hitting , hitting , hitting . Someone was hitting the wall . Or maybe he was the wall . She wasn 't afraid . She turned on the water , and let the sound fill her ears and no , she wasn 't afraid ; she just didn 't know what to do . What should she do ? Should she do anything , anything at all ? Where would she go ? THE CICADAS WERE starting to cry . In the June heat , they cried for mercy , emitting long wails and yelps that filled the air with sorrowful music . Some of them cried like mothers , going OOO OOO OOO OOO ; and some of them were saying WAAANG WAAANG WAANG WAANG , voices going up and down , up and down . There were those that cried like children , WAA WAA WAA WAA ; some didn 't cry , and hummed , like they were deep in thought , HUUUM HUUUM HUUUM HUUUM . But what if you didn 't wriggle out ? She 'd wanted to ask them this for the longest time . What if you couldn 't climb back to the surface ? What would you become ? And what about the birds , who swooped down on you once you finally breached the surface ? What was the meaning of your life then , if you 've wasted it underground , in the dark , if you 've barely begun to live and died just after your first breath - AAAH - HAAA , AAAH - HAAA - what then ? What comes after that ? SHE WAS LYING in bed , eyes open , with no sunlight streaming through the blinds . She 'd gotten two hours of fitful sleep before something jolted her awake . It was horrible , the morning heat ; it woke her up sweating and got her thinking about iced everythings : coffees , teas , cream , cubes . Her stomach growled . She couldn 't feel it , she didn 't want to ; Stop it , she told it , what are you doing ? It 's useless , can 't you see ? It was her third night in a row that she hadn 't been able to sleep , her third night in a row of being harassed , and this morning would be the third in a row where he , her proprietor , would sport a guilt - ridden expression . It was all genuine , she believed it to be , but it was tiring to go through it day after day after day . She didn 't want to see that , not anymore . The boy . She should have helped him . She should have done something , anything . These were the thoughts that stayed in her head . She knew that he would be sleeping outside again , and she dreaded having to go down the stairs to see him , like she always did when this happened . What should she do , what should she do … ? She looked at the clock on the floor of her bed . It was five - thirty , and it blinked at her in red as if it asked her what she was going to do with her day , with her life . She turned it over before she climbed off the bed . She washed her face and brushed her teeth , changing into a purple checked blouse and white shorts before she forced herself to sit in front of a small mirror and draw on her face with black and red . Her hair was a mess , she realized , and twisted it into a bun . He was startled , alarmed , and looked around him wildly . As quickly as he had risen to panic , he settled down and sighed . He turned to her , then , and grinned sheepishly . " I thought it was a weekday . " He said this casually to her , even though he was sleeping outside on the front porch , looking horrible and disgusting . She wrinkled her nose at him , at his stench . " You , " she said , forgetting his name . She was always bad with names . She held her hand over her nose . " When 's the last time you took a shower ? " Was he even able to ? She wanted to ask , but didn 't . Instead , she rose to her feet and crossed her arms . " Go wash up , " she told him sternly . She tried a smile . It came to her more easily than she 'd thought . She smiled a bit more . " Really , " she said , and before she could tell him to scrub hard , he was gone in a flash . " Mai , it 's been a while ! How 've you been ? Have you found a place to stay yet ? Oh - ? Who 's this ? " He was frowned at her energy , and she laughed . So , she mused , it 's true that two positives negate . She ruffled the boy 's hair and gave her friend a cheeky grin . " Jounouchi ? " Her friend made a thoughtful noise . " Oh , so he isn 't your brother . That 's what I thought . I would 've known if you did … " She paused and looked at her with a sheepish look . " You don 't have a brother , right ? " As soon as she was gone , the boy reached over and tapped her hand to get her attention . He wrinkled his nose and said , " Why 's she so loud ? It 's the morning ! " He looked like he was about to protest , when he suddenly stopped and looked behind her . Then , he lifted his finger and stretched his arm out in front of him . " He 's got three different hair colors ! " he exclaimed . " Maybe you should just dye your hair one color , " another voice suggested helpfully . " Then you 'd just get comments about the way you style it . " He swung over to their table , and sat next to the boy with a grin . " Been a while since we 've last seen you . It felt like ten years passed by , or something . " Then , he jerked his head to the side , at the boy , and winked at her . " I see you got busy . " Honda gave a barking laugh . " Yeah , if you like having the Great Pyramids of Egypt on top of your head . " He grinned at the boy he was sitting next to again . " Right , kid ? " " Yugi ! I didn 't know you were going to be here , " Anzu exclaimed once she emerged from the kitchen . If possible , she was filled with even more pep and cheer . Then , turning to the other ; " Hey , Honda . " Honda scratched his head . " Yeah , but what if I drop dead tomorrow ? What if today 's the last day you 'll ever get to see me ? " Anzu gave him a surprised look . " Not at all ! " she exclaimed , waving her hand in front of her . " It 's unique ! It 's what makes you , you ! " Anzu hit her step - brother 's forehead with her notepad . " You 're one to talk . Your hair looks like you can receive radio signals with the way you spiked it . " " Ready to order ? " Anzu asked with a smile , twirling her pen in her hands . " My parents and I had three cups of coffee and we 're ready to fire it up ! " " Mm … " He studied the open menu diligently , eyes roving over all the items . Finally , he looked up and took in a deep breath . " I want eggs and bacon and sausage and toast and pancakes and waffles and butter and cereal and omlettes and this chocolate thing ! " Then as an afterthought , he added ; " And milk ! " He grinned widely and declared : " This is the best day ever ! " " How about everything ? " Honda chimed in . " I 'll help you eat it all , " he said , then leaned in as he eyed around him in a suspicious manner . " But on one condition . " Honda grinned . " Yeah , I am . And ! I 'm gonna win today . You know why ? " He pulled the boy sitting next to him close . " Because I 've got this brilliant kid on my side . He 's my lucky charm . " Anzu sighed and crossed her arms . " Well , then at least move to another table . Mai 's order is coming up soon , and with you guys splaying your cards all over she won 't have room to eat . " She just chuckled . " Run along and go play your card games , now . Shoo , " she said teasingly , watching the three boys relocate to the booth in front . She watched the boy - Katsuya , his name is Katsuya - jump out and follow Honda along like a puppy , eyes bright and shining as he watched Honda and Yugi set up for their duel . He leaned in and whispered something in Honda 's ear , and , after the brunet agreed , he pulled something out from underneath his shirt . A long silence passed between them , and she spent it listening to Katsuya 's loud voice . She had a loud voice too , when she was younger . She used to wake up early in the morning , no matter when she went to sleep , and she 'd never had any problems with sleeping before , until - " He 's the same age as Mokuba , isn 't he ? I remember … that Kaiba gave his brothers a locket two years ago . That 's Mokuba 's locket that Katsuya has , isn 't it ? " - how did she ever get out of college like that ? She didn 't even remember what she 'd done those four years ; those four , wasteful years . Oh , she remembered being an escort , but even that seemed like such a long time ago - " How do you suppose they came to know each other ? For Kaiba to give him Mokuba 's locket … I 'd say they 're pretty close . Do you think , maybe … it 's because of all the bruises Katsuya has ? How did that happen , Mai ? " - her baby ! She lost him so quickly , and then the wretched man who soiled her , what a good riddance his leaving was ! But she had to watch her baby - that was her baby ! - dying and be placed in a little black box and watched him being sent six feet under ; its eyes , they were wide open ! Oh , what was she thinking ? What was she doing ? How could she let that happen to her baby , her baby boy ? He was rifling through his clothes . " Uh … " His hand found something in his pocket . " Oh . Here , " he said , pulling it out and handing it to her . " Yugi let me have one of the cards in his deck for helping Honda beat him . " She looked down at it . It was the Harpie Lady , crouching and spreading its arms and wings to bare its bosom with a wicked smile on its elfish face . She took it from him , and watched him smile . It was contagious . Then , she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked him right in the eye . " Katsuya , " she began , and watched his face change from the seriousness in her tone , " why were you sleeping outside ? " Her hands on his shoulders tightened . It didn 't seem to hurt him at all , even though her own hands did after a while . She let go with one hand , and placed it gently on a new bruise that peeked out of his shirt . " Did your dad do this to you last night ? " He looked uncomfortable , looking down again and shuffling from one foot to the other . " He only does it when he drinks . He doesn 't remember anything , and he 's different when he 's back to normal . He knows he does bad things , but he can 't remember them , and he always feels real bad . " He looked up again , his eyes meeting her 's . " He 's a great dad ! He just does bad stuff when he drinks ! But it 's not all the time ! " He wretched away from her , then , surprising her . His eyes were blazing , boring into her skull . " You can 't tell anyone ! " he shouted angrily , shaking . " It 's a secret ! You 're my friend , aren 't you ? And friends keep secrets ! " There were tears in his eyes and his shoulders started shaking , shaking , shaking . " You can 't tell anybody ! They 'll take my dad away ! I don 't want them to take him away ! He 's not a bad person ! " He shot forward and grabbed her hand tightly . " You can 't tell anybody ! Promise you won 't tell anybody ! " She looked into his eyes - they were her baby 's eyes - desperate , blazing - dull , lifeless - full of hope ; alive . She pulled him into her and held him tight . " I promise I won 't tell anybody . I swear to you that I won 't . " SHE WAS SURPRISED to see him here . This was TAZUN , a rowdy bar that fed on , as he himself would put it , low - class fools . She couldn 't imagine why he would ever step foot in here . He was sporting a pair of dark glasses and wearing a dark green sweater with jeans . He looked completely different dressed down like that , but there was no mistaking his walk , that particular walk of his that only he had ; and the thick aura that hung around him that told everyone he thought they were well beneath him . As soon as he caught sight of her , he cut through the crowd and found a place at the counter . Blunt as always , aren 't you , she thought . " Why does she think that ? " she asked , pouring Kahlùa and Tequila in two glasses . She followed this with a splash of milk and orange juice , respectively , and added grenadine to the second drink while she stirred the other in her hand . She passed these along to Johnny , who served them up with a wink and a charming grin . She gave him a long , hard look . And she sighed , giving up . " I don 't know . " Before she could walk away to mix more drinks , his hand shot out and grabbed her wrist . Down the counter , she could see Johnny look in their direction . " Then don 't go filling her head with things you don 't know . " He withdrew his hand then , and she let go of the breath she wasn 't aware she 'd been holding in . " Kisara thinks highly of you . She 's grateful to you for helping her with … with what she 's gone through in the past . " A pause , and then ; " As am I . " He continued , keeping his tone business - like and unchanging ; " I don 't want her having any doubts about our … relationship . " She studied him carefully , crossing her arms . He sounded uncomfortable , unsure , to her ears , and it was a strange thing . In her time as an escort during her last two years of college , she had never seen Kaiba show any sort of uncertainty . She wanted to see if she could see it , too , in his eyes , but she couldn 't see his eyes ; they were hidden behind tinted plates of glass , but she doubted it would have made a difference if she could see them anyway . He was always good at keeping his face neutral . It was a good quality for dealing with people , she supposed . It was Johnny , who 'd come down to check if she was having any trouble . Mai waved her hand dismissively . " He 's an old friend . He 's just not good at socializing outside of a conference room . " She had noticed that ; that there were fewer and fewer people crowding around the counter than usual . Her friend had that affect , she noted wryly . Once Johnny was out of range , he spoke again : It was as close to a sworn confession as she would ever get out of him , and she knew it . Satisfied , she put the wet cloth away and pulled an empty glass out . " Drink ? " Ah . She 'd forgotten about that . " I 'm sorry . I forgot . " She put the glass away , wondering if he ever felt as if he didn 't know what to do next , if he ever questioned himself . Then she realized that he would never ; not him . He would only push harder , get stronger . That was how he was . He surprised her by responding . " Ten . He 'd be ten . " He sighed . " Noah asks when he can see him , everyday . He doesn 't understand why he can 't see Mokuba anymore . " " Can I get a beer , please ? " " Another shot , whiskey ! " " I 've been asking for a margarita for five minutes ! Where 's my margarita ? " Selfish , she thinks , we 're all so selfish . Or is it that we don 't understand ? As she 's pulling beers and mixing drinks , a thought came to her . " I heard you taught a kid how to fight . " She held out a drink . " Who asked for the whiskey ? " she asked , and slid it down to whomever was shouting at her ; Me ! Me ! Me ! Yes ! she 'd wanted to say , but couldn 't . She watched a tray float to the counter , and watched a worker - this one was a new one ; where had the other one gone ? - walk away with a pep in her step . She began stacking glasses to get them washed , when he laid a hand on her 's . She began stacking glasses , quickly , rapidly . Then she piled them sky - high on the same tray and took them to the sink . When she came back he was gone , and the crowd had come back . She had gotten off the station and was walking back home . It was almost three in the morning . She walked barefoot on the dirt path , holding her heels , one in each hand . When she reached home , the front door was slightly ajar , and it was silent . Oh , no , she had thought , did something happen ? She quickly got onto the sinking front porch and opened the door . He was there , slumped over the small wooden table she had sat at when she came in . It was so quiet inside , so , so quiet , like death , and she tried going in to see if anything was wrong - Where are you , Katsuya ? - when she stepped on a floorboard that creaked loudly . She didn 't remember how she got on the floor , but there she was , with him on top of her , and her heels went sailing across the room to a dark corner where they would be forgotten . Where is she , he kept asking her , You whore , I know you have her ! But she doesn 't know where she is , and she doesn 't have her , but she can 't say anything because he 's got his hands around her throat and he 's strangling her , hands tighter and tighter - oh , this is what my baby felt ! - she couldn 't breathe and then she felt his hand on her , touching her - was she raped that night , too ? Did that wretched man rape her ? - You smell nice , he said , and he laughed at her - he always laughed when he touched her ; a horrible , horrible laugh that made it sound like everything was a joke ; but he was the joke ! - Have you got a whore pussy , or did you get that fixed up like those new whores in the city ? His hand went up and up and up her thigh - he did this too , pushing her down and touching her , his hand everywhere , and laughing ; stop laughing , Keith ! Stop laughing ! - and she wished he would hurry up and do something ; she wished he would just do it and then it would be over soon and she could get up and go home and laugh and laugh and laugh because it was all just a funny joke - He was standing in the doorway , looking terrified . He was watching her - no , don 't look ! - being violated by this man , by his father ! What kind of a father are you ? What kind of a man are you ? You , you aren 't a man , you 're a horrible , disgusting - - her leg , and an ugly monster was still on top of her and Katsuya was crying ; You see what you 've done , now ? Your son is crying ! Your son - There was the gun the horrible monster had been roaring about , in his little boy 's hands . In Katsuya 's hands . His face , terror - stricken , was wet , and teeth were clenched . He slid down the wall he had been leaning against , and fell to the ground with an anguished cry that tore at her heart . She was slow to register the full meaning of his words . On the floor , a distance away from her , was the body of his father , lying perfectly still . Something dark was spreading out on the floor rapidly , like he had emptied his bladder . She held him tightly , squeezing , as if she were trying to keep his life inside ; you have to live , do you hear me ? You have to live ! " Don 't cry , please don 't cry , " she whispered to him as loud as she could , and her whispers turned into cries . " Don 't cry ; everything 's gonna be alright . I 'm so sorry , I 'm so sorry , my poor baby … " |
After Vincent 's recovery from his illness , he and Catherine talked through the fears and problems that had always plagued their relationship . They came to understandings about how to merge their two worlds , as well as their lives , and they were now joined . The greatest difference in their relationship now was the easy comfort they felt with one another . Even though Catherine had left her job at the district attorney 's office for safer endeavors , life was hardly ever dull . Catherine kept a place in her world because she felt that she had too much to offer to back away and leave her abilities and her wealth unused . Vincent had no place in the world Catherine could inhabit during the day ; but , in whatever ways he could , he helped her with the large community projects she had undertaken . She , in turn , was always willing to do her share to help in the tunnels . Their days were often spent in their separate worlds , and there were times when Catherine felt obligated to attend a meeting or a charity event Above or when Vincent had overnight sentry duty or was needed for an emergency ; but evenings were generally their own , spent in whichever of their two worlds made sense at the time . The latest of Catherine 's ambitious projects was the establishment of a home for the elderly . She had seen aging helpers who had no one at home to care for them and few options for help , and the convalescent homes that were available to them were not places she would want to see friends go . She had recognized early in her efforts to establish such a home that there was a real need for assistance in that community . From the time the renovation plans for the building had begun , she had consulted with active groups in the community to make it a facility that would serve their needs to best advantage . When the home was completed and open , Catherine had been part of an effort among several churches and community organizations to find locations and volunteers to help feed the homeless . Their plans were to make an open kitchen available somewhere in the immediate area every night of the week . The result was that a number of desperate people could find at least one decent meal within walking distance during the course of any day . Her home for the elderly used their kitchen on Wednesdays to provide everything needed for a separate dining area in the back corner of the building . Catherine had the kitchen designed with this kind of community service in mind . It sat between two completely separate dining areas , one with an entrance that allowed for serving the homeless in their own area without any disruption or lack of security in the general operation of the home or its residents . There was a secure door between the kitchen and the separate dining area and a transfer window to allow for easy transport of food and easy clean - up afterward . With the generosity of the helpers and the tunnel dwellers , she never lacked for help when she needed to call on them . Luz Corales and her contacts had become a welcome source of volunteers , too . In working at the soup kitchen herself , Catherine had recently noticed a woman about Father 's age who was becoming a regular visitor to the kitchen . She didn 't seem to be in better financial circumstances than most of the others who took advantage of their services ; but there was a quiet dignity about her , as well as a sadness that didn 't seem to be centered on her living conditions . Catherine smiled to herself . She and Vincent had been sharing their bond long enough now that she wondered if some of his empathic perceptions of others might have actually transferred to her . She hoped so . Something about this woman , Florence , appealed to Catherine . In her , Catherine could see qualities of both her own mother and Mary . She watched how Florence related to those around her , especially the children , and saw a kindness and a gentle spirit that hadn 't been broken in spite of her situation . The more often she saw her , the more curious Catherine became about how Florence had reached this point in her life . She wore the same clothes often ; but she was always neat and clean , obviously taking pride in her appearance , and obviously taking advantage of the showers and laundry facilities some of the shelters offered . There were no apparent mental or behavioral handicaps . She was obviously an intelligent woman , and appeared to have had some medical training . One evening when one of the children got a little rambunctious and produced an ugly cut on his arm , Florence was immediately there , deftly applying pressure , asking for what was needed , and giving instructions to his parents about what to do until they could get him to a clinic for medical attention . With the constant demand for medical personnel , Florence surely should have no trouble finding a job that could support her … if she wanted one . She didn 't give the impression of someone who really wanted to live by depending entirely on the charity of others . When the bustle of the serving lines began to settle , Catherine moved in Florence 's direction . Sometimes a recipient of the neighborhood 's generosity would offer to help with clean - up and appear to enjoy both the company of the volunteers and the feeling of productivity that came with the work . The workers were , of course , very selective about the help they accepted . Hoping to have a chance to talk to her , Catherine approached Florence about lending a hand , thinking she might offer her a job sometime in the future . She was pleased that Florence agreed immediately , and Catherine introduced her to the exhausted volunteers , who were delighted to have some assistance . From that evening on , Florence helped each Wednesday evening and proved to be a productive worker . Gradually Catherine learned more about her , including that , for the past six months , Florence had been staying in a small , unused storage room behind a store near the corner . When the store 's manager desperately needed help he couldn 't afford , Florence had helped him with his terminally ill daughter . He had cleared the mostly unused room , mentioned that he didn 't know how long it would be empty , slipped a key into her hand , and then quietly ignored that she was there . It was certainly better than moving her few belongings through the streets all day . It wasn 't heated or cooled , but it was attached to the back of a building that was . It was out of the rain and snow , and it allowed a measure of safety . She had at least one good meal each day from one of the community kitchens , and the room provided the most continuity she had allowed herself in years . There was still no offer of an explanation as to why she lived this way when she evidently possessed all the strengths she needed to live a better life . Catherine didn 't press her for information , but she found herself drawn to Florence and hoped to somehow make her life a little easier . Vincent made a habit of being in the apartment on Wednesday nights . Catherine was usually tired when she got home , and he would have one of her favorite teas waiting , along with a healthy dose of love and support . They treasured the time to be completely alone and uninterrupted , and Catherine often thought it was worth all the work to come home to such comfort . She made a habit of spending most of her weekends in the tunnels . Even in the tunnels the weekends were regarded as slower workdays . There were no classes , and work that could be left until Monday was ignored for the weekend , so Vincent had fewer responsibilities . There was time for them to visit with others , spend time with the children , and generally enjoy Vincent 's world . Some weeks living arrangements were planned in advance , others they took as it came , dependent on whose work load was greater or who was more exhausted at the end of the day . As attuned to one another as they were , that was much easier for them than it would be for anyone else . One Wednesday Catherine came home close to tears . Vincent was waiting at the door , having sensed the sadness and frustration before she arrived . She threw herself into Vincent 's arms and wept quietly . " Tell me , " he said softly against her hair . " It 's Florence , " she said , reaching for a tissue . " She 's been looking tired for a month or so , and tonight she admitted that she 's ill . She has cancer , and her prospects aren 't good . That 's why she 's been staying in one place . She said she had been hiding for years , not staying anywhere for too long . Now she doesn 't care . She said ' If they find me and kill me now , it will just save some of the misery I know is coming . ' " " Nothing promising enough to give her much hope . She thinks the treatments would be as bad as the disease . She said she 's tired and not afraid of dying , so she 's decided not to fight it . She seems determined . I don 't know what to do . " " Do you suppose we could offer her a home in the tunnels … if she 's interested ? If she 's been running away from something for all these years , we could at least offer her security and peace of mind . Some of our volunteers know her . I 'm sure they would recommend her to the council . " " I don 't know . I don 't think she 's done anything illegal . Apparently someone was trying to kill her , but I have no idea why . She won 't talk about her past , and I don 't want to frighten her off . What she said tonight slipped out in a rare , unguarded moment . I 'm sure she didn 't intend to say it . I think she trusts me more than most , but I don 't think she trusts anyone completely . " " We 'll speak to Father . . . tomorrow , " Vincent answered , placing both hands on her shoulders and repeating , " Tomorrow . " He turned her toward the sofa . " Sit for a few minutes . I 'm going run you a warm bath and turn on your beloved bubbles . You soak for a while , and I 'll bring your tea . I could even be talked into washing your back . . . or any other parts that need attention . " He gave her one of his irresistible small smiles and a soft kiss , leaving her to wonder again how she had been lucky enough to be the woman he loved . Vincent spoke to Father the following morning . Catherine 's volunteers sang Florence 's praises , as Catherine had expected they would , and Father promised to consult the council that evening . The following day , Catherine had a hard time concentrating . Her mind kept wandering to Florence and her situation , to what the council would decide and how to help Florence make the transition . She expected no problems but was fully prepared to present Florence 's case to the council on appeal if there were any doubts . She went Below after a morning of meetings and an afternoon at a children 's home , anxious both to be with Vincent and to hear what came of his talk with Father . Arriving just in time for the council meeting , Catherine was pleasantly surprised at how fast the request was approved , pending clarification that Florence herself wasn 't involved in any criminal entanglements On Friday morning she walked to the corner and into the alley behind the store where she knew Florence was staying . Trying not to frighten her , Catherine both knocked and called her name simultaneously . Florence opened the door in surprise . " It 's Catherine , and no , Florence . Something may be right for a change . I 'll let you decide . Why don 't we find a cup of coffee and somewhere warmer to talk ? " " A cup of coffee sounds great . What are we talking about ? " " But it does , " Catherine insisted , placing her hand sympathetically over one of Florence 's . " I visit there often . It 's actually the reason I 'm alive and happy . " " Almost , " Catherine smiled . " It 's an unusual place . It takes a little getting used to ; but it 's a wonderful place , and it would allow you the peace of mind to relax and be comfortable . " " It won 't cost you a penny , and it won 't cost me anything in your behalf . Just do what you can to help out as long as you 're able , and everyone will be satisfied . It 's sort of a kibbutz community . " " Why don 't you come with me after the kitchen closes on Wednesday night ? Some of the volunteers live there , so you would already know a few people . We 'll take you there . If you decide you want to stay , we 'll send someone to pick up anything you want to bring with you . If not , we 'll have to trust you to keep our secret . " " I 've never talked about it . I was always afraid someone would overhear . In spite of the fact that I didn 't have much of a life , I didn 't want to die . I 've managed to find ways to help someone else off and on - feel useful . That always made things more bearable . " " I 've been afraid the two men who killed my husband would find me . After he was killed I tried to change my name , got new identification and everything ; but they were always right behind me . I don 't know how they managed to find me so often ; but after a few months at a new job , someone would tell me that a man asked for me by another name and showed them my picture , and I had to move again . I tried moving to another city , moving to a small town , but they always found me within a few months . After five years of trying to support myself and nearly being caught , I gave up , came back to New York and gradually drifted into this . If they found me now , they probably wouldn 't recognize me , " she laughed ruefully . " Sometimes I hardly recognize myself . After a while fear just becomes a habit . " " I was a nurse . He was one of my patients . " She stopped and smiled at the memory . " We thought you might have had some medical training , " Catherine smiled . " When we met , he had leukemia . He was a fighter , though , determined to tolerate any treatment he needed to be able to live . I met him about two weeks before he left the hospital . I was told that he was near the end of a pretty rough time when I was assigned to the wing he was on , but he eventually fought his way into remission . Treatments then weren 't what they are now . His doctors had no explanation for his last recovery . They said they could only attribute that success to his incredible will to live … and possibly a miracle . After he was back at work , he would still come to see me . He would bring candy or flowers and try to take me out for dinner or coffee or something . One afternoon he caught me at a weak moment . I had dinner with him , and we were inseparable from then on . We were so in love it was disgusting , " she laughed . " Both of us were alone , " Florence continued . " I grew up in Boston . My dad died when I was twelve , and my mother remarried a couple of years later . My step - dad moved us all to the rural Mid - west . I left the Mid - west after my mother died and came here to go to nursing school . His parents died in a fire - a gas leak in their apartment a few months after he left the hospital . He was at work , or he would have died with them . " To make a long story short , we decided to get married . I knew how sick he would probably be ; but he was so determined , and we were so happy . We thought if we had only six months together , we 'd have more happiness than some people find in a lifetime . " " Daniel was romantic and thoughtful . I can 't imagine feeling more loved . He was handsome and intelligent . He read voraciously - poetry , history , philosophy , a little of everything . His grandparents owned a bookstore that his parents inherited , so he was surrounded by book lovers and books and discussions of books from the time he entered the world . His grandparents were Russian immigrants . He grew up bilingual . . . learned Russian from his grandparents , and he picked up smatterings of other languages when they crossed his path . The family lived in an immigrant community where everyone pitched in and helped each other out . He was sick so much when he was a child that he had a lot of babysitters while his parents worked to support their family and his medical bills . The next door neighbor , who helped out most , was German ; so he learned to speak fluent conversational German before he was a teenager . He was an amateur photographer , too . . . quite good . He had even built a small darkroom in the basement . " " Then I look forward to meeting them . " Looking away and seeming relieved that the conversation had turned away from her life story , Florence breathed a little sigh . " I haven 't talked this much about myself in decades . I think that 's all I can tell you for now . " " It 's all right , Florence . Most of the people where we 're going have overcome a lot of obstacles from their pasts . Whatever you feel you want to tell us will be treated with respect , and you can count on all the support you need . " Florence looked at Catherine , again feeling great respect for this woman who could easily be out shopping or vacationing on some sunny beach in the tropics . Instead she was sitting and listening to a homeless woman who , at her best , would never have belonged to the part of the society Catherine was born to . She had no idea why she felt she could trust Catherine after all these years of trusting no one , but one day soon she might work herself up to telling the rest of her story . A few days later Catherine was leaving the senior home after visiting a helper who had no family nearby . She had stopped to speak to the receptionist and almost literally bumped into Florence as she left the front door to cross the sidewalk . Catherine invited her for lunch at the small deli across the street . It was a beautiful day , a little brisk , but reasonably warm where the sun was shining ; so they took their lunches to the tables outside . It was late for lunchtime , and there was only one other table occupied on the other side of the door , the traffic added to providing them the luxury of a more private conversation . The conversation started with small talk , the weather , the pets with the people passing by , then Florence asked Catherine how she came to be involved with community organizations rather than social gatherings . Catherine laughed and told her it had a lot to do with Utopia … almost in New York City . " They need a little more information about why you 've been hiding , you know , " Catherine mentioned softly . " I 'm sorry to have to ask . I admit to curiosity , but I wouldn 't pressure you for answers if the security of the community weren 't a consideration . They have a strict rule about protecting anyone running from involvement in any kind of criminal activity . " Florence laughed dryly . " You 'd think I was the criminal . I might as well have been in prison all these years , but my only crime … our only crime … was trusting the wrong people . And our whole family paid dearly for it . " " Only one , born just before my husband was killed . Every time I think about it , it feels like it just happened . " She looked stricken for a moment . " I 've never told anyone that . " The tears were falling freely now . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to stir up such sad memories . " Catherine found tissues in her purse and offered them . " You don 't have to talk about it . " " I was waiting for Daniel to come home . I 'd finally managed to get the baby to sleep , put him in his crib upstairs and started to pack suitcases . He woke up again , very wet , and I undressed him to change his diaper and clean him up ; but , just before I got him into his clean pajamas , I heard something that drew me to the front window . I knew Daniel left to do something he knew could be dangerous ; but he didn 't feel that he had a choice . We had planned to pack a few things and just leave everything else behind when he got home , but the baby had been fussy , and I hadn 't had time to pack . As it turned out , it wouldn 't have made much of a difference if I had . " Florence nodded . " I looked out the window just as he reached the sidewalk in front of the house . A car pulled up , and the two men he worked for got out , one with a gun . They said something to him , then shot him right there on the street . I knew they would kill me next . I grabbed the baby and his blanket , ran down the back stairs , grabbed my purse on the way through the kitchen and ran out the back door just as they broke in through the front . I 'd had the baby only two days before , it was winter , after midnight , and it was freezing cold . The blanket caught on a chain link fence , and I lost it . It was the one I had crocheted for him . It was hopelessly snagged , and I couldn 't afford to take the time to free it ; so there he was in only his diaper and an undershirt . I didn 't even have my coat to wrap him in . I tucked him under my sweater and kept running . I couldn 't let them find us . " " Daniel did low level research in a privately owned cancer institute . They were blessedly sympathetic about his illness and what it did periodically to his ability to work . They always found a place for him when he was able to come back . After he recovered from his last stay in the hospital and went back to work , two of the doctors approached him about an experimental treatment for leukemia . They weren 't quite ready for human trials , but they said it wouldn 't be long . He was in remission then and didn 't want to take any chances , so he refused the offer ; but after we had been married about two years , we began to see unmistakable signs that the disease was returning . We discussed it , decided any chance for a cure would be worth the risk , and Daniel talked to them about starting their new treatment when it was ready . " They told him there would be no charge , that they would monitor him carefully . He was told that the treatment would stop if it seemed to be doing him any harm . He was told firmly that he couldn 't mention it to anyone outside their office because they didn 't want someone else to steal their research , that security was paramount . He readily agreed , and about a year and a half later , when he was obviously better , they arranged for him to work for them , to make it easier to monitor his progress . The work he was doing was very much like what he was doing before . " " Catherine , it was unbelievable . Over the next year and a half , he gradually became a new man . His immune system was working . He went from frequently , to rarely , to never getting sick . He gained weight and developed muscles and strength he 'd never hoped to see . He even began to grow more hair . I teased him about having more hair on his arms than he used to have on his head . " " Everything was wonderful . He did appear to be cured . The men he was working for were German scientists . They told him they were Jewish and had managed to hide until the war was over . They told him stories about places they stayed and several times that they were nearly caught . They seemed to take an interest in Daniel from the beginning . I didn 't see them too often , but now and then they would send me little gifts . " He trusted them completely , so when they were slow to answer specific questions about the treatments ' for security reasons ' , he didn 't press them . He could feel the difference in his health and didn 't care anymore what caused it . They seemed to honestly care about us , and we appreciated it . We felt we owed them our gratitude for giving us a longer life together . " The last year before he was killed , we decided it was time to have a baby . Daniel was better , the future looked rosy , and we wanted a child . The doctors asked about my health and the baby 's health as colleagues would , and Daniel enthusiastically kept them up to date . Both the baby and I appeared healthy as horses . " Their interest seemed perfectly normal until the last couple of months of my pregnancy , then the questions were becoming too frequent and too probing to be comfortable . Daniel started hedging on information , not quite knowing why . They even wanted him to call them when I went into labor . They wanted to be there because they ' felt like part of the family ' after working with him for so long . " Now and then the doctors would shift into German when they wanted to make a private joke or talk about someone or something they wanted to keep between themselves . The conversations weren 't important , and the off - color jokes didn 't bother Daniel . After ignoring the first few lapses into German , Daniel couldn 't figure out how to tell them he understood what they were saying without embarrassing them or sounding as if he had been eaves - dropping ; so he never mentioned it . Toward the end of my pregnancy he began to hear bits of conversation that made him suspicious of their interest and their credentials . He began to suspect that they were not who they claimed to be . " One day one of the doctors left his office keys when they went to lunch . Daniel knew he might never have another chance like that one . He knew they were usually gone for about an hour ; so after he felt certain no one was coming back for the keys , he went into their office and looked for his records in their files . He didn 't have time to search the office thoroughly , but he found enough to know he had been right about their doubtful identities . German was probably their native language , but they were neither German nor Jewish nor the pre - war cancer researchers they claimed to be . He also found enough to confirm that their research had nothing to do with leukemia . Jottings in the margins on the pages frightened him . He didn 't understand all of what he saw , but he could see that they had chosen him because they knew he was desperate for a cure and would believe them . Time ran out before he could find anything more , so he locked the office before they returned and left the keys where he had found them . They always kept the office locked , so he wasn 't able to get into the files again . " I went into labor on a Wednesday night - a month earlier than we expected , and it happened so fast that Daniel was going to have to deliver our baby at home . He called our friend , another nurse , one of my co - workers , to help . We were afraid of his bosses ' interest in our baby . He was a small baby , and there were no complications with the birth . He seemed much healthier than we expected for a child born so early . I was fine - didn 't even need stitches , just some recovery time ; so we didn 't tell anyone . We figured we had another few weeks before anyone would expect him to be born . We were going to wait until the next week when I was better able to travel and then disappear into the rural Mid - west before looking for a doctor . " Daniel went to work the next day as if nothing had happened . He let them think he was just nervous about the impending ' big event ' . They pressured him to call me often to check on me , and he always reported ' nothing yet ' . By Thursday they were insisting on being called if anything happened over the weekend . That afternoon Daniel withdrew all our savings from the bank and left it with me so we could leave immediately if we needed to . On Friday night he went off on his mission , and we intended to leave before dawn on Saturday . The doctors were alerted to what he had done faster than he expected , they realized he had lied to them about the baby , and they came looking for him . " " Daniel didn 't want them to have the chance to do to anyone else what they had done to him , so he went back to the lab Friday night and used his identification to get into the building after hours . Everyone knew we were expecting a baby , so the story that he left a gift for the baby and me in the lab was enough to stave off suspicion . Everything was on paper in those days . He broke into the doctors ' private offices and burned all their files and journals . He said if they ever did this to anyone else they would at least have to start from scratch . " " They didn 't come just to kill Daniel and me . They came for my baby . Daniel and I were just pawns who knew too much - disposables , " she answered bitterly . " I had to leave home without a coat . There was no time to go to the front closet to get it . I was freezing and getting weaker by the minute . I knew that it wouldn 't be long before I wouldn 't be any good at all to my child . I couldn 't run any longer , and I couldn 't take him with me to public places where it was warm . Those men would have been looking for a woman with a baby . I knew when my friend 's shift at the hospital ended , so I called and asked to her to pick him up and keep him overnight until I could decide what to do . I found something to wrap him in and left him where he would be safe long enough for her to reach him ; but when I called her the next morning , she said he wasn 't there . He was gone , and we had no way to know where he was . The only thing that kept me from just throwing myself in front of those men and letting them kill me was the thought that somehow I might find him again . Pretty unlikely , huh ? " " Did you make footprints ? Did he have any birthmarks or features that would make him easy to identify ? I have a lot of contacts in the police department and the DA 's office . Maybe they have information they don 't realize they have about your son - or the men you were running from . I was a pretty good investigator myself a few years ago . When did all this happen ? " Florence smiled and lowered her head . She seemed to be considering whether to answer . " It was 1955 . I think I would still know him if I saw him , " she smiled wistfully . " He had very distinctive features . Even if those features softened with age , I 'm sure I would know them , and those eyes . They were such a clear blue ; and even being just a couple of days old , he seemed to look right into your soul . It was almost as if he understood how much we loved him and how afraid we were . " " Florence , where did you leave him ? " Catherine asked , a little more anxiously than she intended . Just then the brakes of a car squealed , and the two women looked up to see the driver bring it to a stop barely in time to avoid hitting the car in front of him … and Florence suddenly remembered to be cautious again . It frightened her that she had allowed herself to talk so freely . She had never told anyone these things . What was it about Catherine that made her do that ? " Catherine , thank you for lunch . I can 't say anything else right now . I have to go . I 'll be at the kitchen on Wednesday . " With that promise she hurried across the street , leaving Catherine eager for more information . Catherine went straight home . She didn 't even slow down when she reached her apartment . She went directly to the basement and into the tunnels . Hoping Vincent 's class was running late , she peeked in his chamber . " Hi , Catherine ! " Kipper called out . " What 's up ? Vincent 's lost his place in this book twice in the last five minutes . " " That would be appreciated , " Vincent answered . " Excuse me , children . Please finish the chapter on your own . I 'll be just outside the door for a moment . " Catherine stepped outside , and Vincent followed . " Catherine , is anything wrong ? I 've felt such a mix of emotions from you in the past hour . I was concerned . " " I didn 't mean to distract you from your class . I was talking to Florence , and she told me a fascinating story - an explanation of why she 's afraid . There 's more , but she couldn 't bring herself to tell it today . I 'm fine . " She stole a quick little kiss and smiled up at him reassuringly as she wiped a touch of lipstick from his mouth . " Go on back . We 'll talk later . I 'll visit with Father while you finish your class . How long will you be ? " " Not really . It 's more of a mystery . I don 't want to say anything to Vincent yet . We have about twenty minutes before he 'll be here . " " I 'm not sure there 's anything to hide . " She grinned back at the suggestion of conspiracy she heard in his voice . " It 's more of an impression than a fact . . . and it 's so far - fetched … . " " I hesitate to even think of putting this into words , " she told him sheepishly , " but I think there 's the possibility that I 've met my mother - in - law . " " Mother - in - law ! ? Not Mary ? You don 't have a mother - in - law . . . . " His jaw suddenly dropped , and he fell back against his chair . " Dear God , Catherine ! You don 't mean . . . . What would make you believe this ? " " I 'm not sure that I do . I told you it was far - fetched . I spoke to Florence this morning . The last thing she said made me think of Vincent . " Catherine explained the connections she had made after finding that the year was the same and hearing Florence 's remark about the blue eyes . " I don 't know , Father . Something I felt in her when she talked about her baby . . . about how he seemed to understand . . . . I could feel it . " She looked away , then lowered her head , folded her hands on Father 's desk and sighed . She looked up at Father with an amused smile . " Something this important , and here I sit telling you , ' I felt it . ' I 've been around Vincent too long , haven 't I ? " " Your instincts have proven themselves often . It would be a gift beyond anything I ever imagined to be able to tell Vincent his history ; but let 's talk to this Florence together before we make too many assumptions . . . and before we say anything to Vincent . The possibility is so remote . . . . Well , well , " Father breathed into a worried little chuckle , and he patted Catherine 's hands again . He leaned back in his chair again , running his hand across his hair in anticipation . . . ? wonder ? . . . confusion ? . . . He wasn 't quite sure how he felt about it . " Wednesday night should be interesting . " Vincent appeared in the doorway at that point , looking curious . " Catherine , what has been playing such havoc with your emotions this morning ? " " Nice to see you , my boy , " Father said dryly . Catherine rose and gave Vincent a hug . " Father and I were talking about Florence and discussing the possibility of a surprise for you . You promised to take me for a walk . I 'll tell you about Florence then , and the surprise is only a possibility at this stage . If I even gave you a hint , it wouldn 't be a surprise , would it ? " she asked innocently . Turning back to the desk , she asked , " Father , would you like to join us ? " " Not this time , " he answered . " When you came in , I had just found the problem in this ledger . I believe I can conquer it in about five minutes . " He smiled , enjoying the sight of his children so obviously in love . He waved his hand at them as if brushing them out of his domain . " Run along now , and let an old man finish his work . " As they walked , Catherine related to Vincent most of what Florence had told her , hoping that if he felt her holding anything back , he would assume it had something to do with that possible surprise . Vincent responded with a feeling of sorrow that someone 's life could be made so difficult by the callous indifference of others . She reached across the small distance between them and took his hand in hers . That empathy and concern for others was one of the reasons she loved him . After the kitchen was clean on Wednesday night and the Topsider volunteers were gone , Catherine , Rebecca , and Jamie remained to take Florence Below . She was a little nervous , but seeing the women around her , she realized that these were the people she would trust most if she had to make choices . " Are you ready ? Do you still want to go ? " Jamie asked excitedly . " It 's a long walk , and very little of it is going to be familiar . You 'll have to trust us completely until we get there , " Rebecca told her . " But it 's a good home with good people . You won 't be in the lap of luxury , but you 'll have everything you need . " The three tunnel dwellers led Florence to the basement , confusing her completely . " You 'll understand in a minute , " Rebecca laughed , seeing the look on Florence 's face . Jamie unlocked the door to the large storage room , pulled at some boxes , and a hidden door opened . Florence wasn 't at all sure what she was getting herself into , but she decided to give them another couple of minutes to explain themselves . " I know it seems strange , Florence ; but we don 't live in the city . We live under it . Just follow us . You 're perfectly safe , " Jamie told her . As the tunnels go , the trip was relatively short . Florence was nervous at first , but the closer they came to the main hub , the more fascinated she became with what she saw . The few people they passed in the corridors at this late hour were friendly , called her by name and welcomed her . She began to allow herself the hope that it might be as wonderful a place as Catherine had said . " Welcome , Florence . We 've been expecting you . Come and sit here . Would you like some tea ? We can talk briefly , then someone will take you to your chamber . " Nodding to the woman across the room , he added , " Mary has it ready for you . Where are my manners ? My name is Jacob Wells . Everyone here calls me Father . " " Catherine has told us of your predicament - not to be gossiping , you understand , but because our community depends on secrecy . When we receive a new member , we need to know enough about them to assure our safety . You must understand that if you decide to return Above , we will expect complete silence about what you have seen . " Catherine tells me you may have been pursued by two dangerous men for a number of years . Be assured you need not worry about that here . We have occasional problems with intruders , but our sentries see that they don 't reach the levels where we live . You can rest here unconcerned for your safety . I am a doctor , and a doctor from Above visits often . You will have the medical care you need . We intend to do our utmost to make you as comfortable as possible if you decide to stay . " " Of course not , Father , " Rebecca answered . " We could both do with a good night 's rest , anyhow . " It was an unusual request for those circumstances ; but that obviously meant there was something additional to consider , so neither of them felt any offense . " Florence , " Father began , " I hesitate to ask when you know so little of us , but Catherine has said you had a child who disappeared in 1955 . Would you be willing to talk to us about him ? Anything said will not leave this room if you don 't wish it to . " " This community was caring for a few abandoned children in the early fifties . Some of our young adults grew up here . The circumstances Catherine described would certainly have left the impression that the child had been abandoned . We have a network of helpers now who can help find a child 's parents if they are to be found , but that long ago . . . . It could be possible that we would know something that could help you . The possibility is remote , but there is always the possibility . . . . " His voice trailed away , giving her time to think . " Yes . I left him just before she was to leave work . It should have been only a few minutes . I was hiding close by to be sure he was all right , and I heard someone talking softly . . . sing - songy , the way people talk to babies . It sounded like her . I thought it was her . I thought he was safe . I never intended for him to seem abandoned . I was only trying to protect him . Daniel had withdrawn all our savings that afternoon and left it with me . " The tears were rolling down her cheeks unchecked now . " I had enough money to take care of us for a while . My husband had just been shot right in front of me . My child and I needed to hide , and I needed to clear my head and make plans . I knew they would be looking for a woman with a child , and I just wanted to know that he was safe for the night … so I could rest and decide what to do . All these years the only thing keeping me alive and sane was the chance of finding him . I looked for him as much as I dared . I couldn 't go to the police . They would have thought I was crazy . Those men would have been looking for me , and I didn 't want to lead them to my son if I found him . The thought that they may have been the ones who found him has haunted me for years . " She was becoming more and more distraught as the story unfolded . Vincent put down his book , feeling unusually drawn to join the conversation in Father 's chamber . As curious as he was about this woman Catherine had befriended , he had decided to follow his usual pattern of staying out of sight until their new resident had a day or two to settle in . Suddenly he felt such a stab at Catherine 's emotions that he could no longer stay in his chamber . He also felt a strong pull to whatever was happening in the chamber next door . He walked to Father 's doorway and surreptitiously looked in , just to see that nothing was wrong with Catherine . Florence looked from face to face , as if making a decision . Slowly she reached in the little bag she always carried at her waist and pulled out a plastic photo sleeve , the kind that might be found in a wallet . " This is all I have left of my family , " she said , looking at it sadly . " I told you he had unusual features , " she reminded them . She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly . " Daniel took these pictures the day after our son was born and developed the film himself . Actually , I took the one with Daniel holding him . That 's why it didn 't turn out as well as the others , " she said with a slight smile . " Until now , only the two of us have seen them . All of you will probably think it 's fabricated and I 'm too crazy to be allowed to stay here , but these truly are his pictures . " She reached between two other pictures of herself and her husband and pulled out three smaller ones that she had hidden between them . Hesitantly she handed them to Father . Mary and Catherine were barely breathing in anticipation of what Father would see . Florence felt frantic , ready to run away from these strangers who now knew too much . Then the realization struck her . " Are you talking about my son ? " " You know my son ? " She put her hand to her lips and let the tears fall freely . " Is he one of the children who grew up here ? Is he here ? " She was simultaneously afraid to hope and afraid not to . So many years . . . . Outside the doorway Vincent 's legs were threatening not to hold him as he realized the possibility before him . Catherine felt his distress and realized he was there . She didn 't want to leave now ; but he needed her , and she would be with him to hear the rest of the exchange from the passageway . " Father , I think someone just outside the door needs me , " she said , nodding toward the door . Father understood immediately and waved her out . She went straight to Vincent and threw her arms around him . " We named him Daniel , for his father . We planned to call him Danny , but we considered Vincent . The name Vincent means ' Conqueror . ' We knew he would have a lot to conquer . I was brought up Catholic . St . Vincent De Paul was a saint who watched over hospitals , places where I worked and where Daniel spent so much of his youth . He also watched over the lost , abandoned and outcast . Seeing our child 's features , we knew he would certainly fall into at least the last category . It seemed fitting to give him a name that encouraged his protection . And you called him Vincent ? Was there a reason for you to choose that name ? " Florence turned to see the tall , muscular , lion - like man holding Catherine 's hand . Vincent was looking at her with incredible blue eyes that seemed to look into her soul . For a moment they just stared at each other in awe , then Vincent finally broke the silence . " Danny . . . . Vincent ? " Florence said , nearly to herself . She stood and clasped her hands together against her chin . " You 're the most beautiful sight I 've ever seen . You even sound a lot like your father . He had a wonderful voice , too . " " Your name is Florence ? " he asked . " No . " She hung her head briefly , then looked up at him pleadingly . " I 've wanted to find you for so long . Do you suppose I could have a hug before I explain ? " Catherine released Vincent 's hand and watched as he closed the distance between himself and his mother , taking her gently into his arms . She put her arms around his waist , closed her eyes and slowly laid her head on his chest , much as Catherine often did . There were no dry eyes in the room . Father found extra handkerchiefs for the others , and they watched the unlikely reunion with a mixture of joy and concern . For Father and Mary the joy for Vincent was obviously tempered by the fear that their roles in his life might somehow be diminished . Catherine was overjoyed for Vincent to know that he was loved , not just thrown away . She could also see Father and Mary 's faces as they watched . She loved them almost as much as she loved Vincent and knew they would have mixed feelings , and she promised herself that if Vincent temporarily drifted toward his birth mother , she would shower Mary and Father with the attention they had earned . No one could expect that Vincent wouldn 't want to make up for the time he had missed . " Forgive me , " Vincent said after a long moment . " Could we sit down ? This has taken both of us completely by surprise . " Guiding Florence back to her chair , he pulled another chair close and sat beside her . " You said your name isn 't Florence ? " " I 'm sorry to have misled everyone . I 've gone by that name for nearly twenty years . After I stopped working , I would give whatever medical help I could to the people in the same straits I was in . One day one of them announced loudly that they had their own personal Florence Nightingale . A few of them started calling me Florence , and it gradually became my name . It helped me blend into the crowd and feel anonymous - safer somehow . " Vincent smiled , too . " My family and friends called me Beth , but your father insisted on calling me Elizabeth . I never liked the name until I heard your father use it . The way he said it gave me goose bumps . " Mary and Father had to smile , knowing Catherine felt the same way about her name . They had both heard her voice a nearly identical statement more than once . " Yes , please . I can 't tell you what all of you have given me . . . Both my son and my identity . I had believed I would never have either of them again . " " Your father worked for two doctors who were developing a new treatment for leukemia , and he volunteered as a test subject . Just before you were born he came across information that led him to believe they were using his cancer as an excuse to provide themselves a guinea pig for their research . The center apparently had no knowledge of anything concerning Daniel 's treatments or any research other than the legitimate work they were doing for the institute . " We saw remarkable changes in Daniel . He was never sick anymore - had more stamina than he 'd ever had . We questioned nothing . We were young and in love and just accepted it as the miracle we needed . We even assumed that the excessive hair growth and the change in muscle mass may have been what he would have had if he hadn 't been ill for so long . Toward the end , the hair was becoming more pronounced , and his strength surprised both of us sometimes . Now and then he would say he was afraid he might hurt me unintentionally . I even thought there had been a slight change in his facial structure , but we both convinced ourselves that was only imagined . Looking back , I think it may have been leaning a bit toward yours . Who knows ? If their work had continued , we may have had to hide Daniel , too . " I told Catherine that these doctors had seemed to develop an unnatural interest in my pregnancy and our baby . We had suspicions that something was amiss in the last month before you were born ; but when you were born , we knew beyond doubt that they hoped for something unusual to happen . They wanted you , and we weren 't going to allow it . After repeating the explanation of his father 's death , she touched his cheek with her hand and looked at him with a deep sadness in her eyes . " Vincent , I 'm so sorry . We would never have intentionally let this happen . " " When I was born . . . did I hurt you ? " Vincent asked softly , his head down , unable to look at her . Catherine had told him everything Florence . . . Beth . . . had told her the week before , but he had to hear it for himself . " No , " she assured him . " It was a very easy birth . You were early and rather small , and there were no problems at all . I even felt secure not seeing a doctor for either of us after your birth . We were going to find someone after we left the city and put some distance between us and those monsters . " Father again broke the silence , knowing the evening had taken an emotional toll on everyone there . " Well , Beth , " Father said , walking around his desk and taking her hand in both of his , " One of the women usually escorts a new female member of our community through the . . . orientation , for want of a better word ; but this time , I believe Vincent should do the honors . We 'll explain all this to the others tomorrow . Mary and Catherine and I will try to get some rest and let Vincent explain the expectations as well as the pleasures of the community . He can show you the necessities tonight , and tomorrow he can take you on the grand tour . For now , I leave you in his capable hands . I 'm sure the two of you need time to talk . " " I am married to your son , " Catherine told her with a broad smile . " Go , both of you . We 'll talk tomorrow , Flor . . . Beth . " Vincent had been gone for about an hour and a half , showing Beth the necessities , asking and answering questions and explaining the most basic workings of the tunnel world . Catherine was waiting in their chamber , anxious to hear the details of their meeting . When he finally came home , he walked into the chamber , closed the curtain , and leaned back against the wall . The mix of emotions in him had kept her pacing and restless since he left Father 's chamber , and didn 't show signs of subsiding any time soon . Catherine stayed where she was to allow him time to collect himself . " No . " He stood for a moment at a loss for words . After a short chuckle he said in wonder , " My great - grandparents owned a bookstore , " and he smiled . " Fitting , don 't you think ? Maybe your habits aren 't entirely Father 's doing . " " Her life has been so difficult , Catherine ; and now that she can feel safe , she has so little time to enjoy it . . . and I have so little time to know her . " He moved toward Catherine when she held her arms out to him . " I have the feeling both of you will use it to the fullest . " Catherine and the rest of his tunnel family had given Vincent a few uninterrupted days to be with Beth often and begin to know her . Catherine wanted to give him time to learn about his birth family and accustom himself to the idea that he was wanted and would have been loved and protected , as unusual as he was . He and Beth both deserved all the time they had left to savor the long needed reunion , but there were things brewing in Catherine 's mind that needed resolution quickly . Her thoughts turned toward other possibilities . Beth 's health and her ability to travel back Above another time or two figured into those possibilities because her help could be a necessity . Time was an important factor . She needed to talk to Beth before she talked to Vincent . In Catherine 's mind there might be choices they never thought Vincent would have ; but they would need to be carefully made choices , and some could not be made without an element of risk . She waited until the end of the week before speaking to Beth . Father and Mary found themselves simultaneously overjoyed that Vincent had found so much of his history and deeply envious of the woman who could place both a legal and ancestral claim on him as her own . They talked to Beth about his childhood , doing their best to fill her mind and heart with the things she missed in his life ; and she absorbed it all as if it were as necessary to her as breathing . Beth was settling herself into tunnel life . " Utopia almost in New York City " , that was how she had doubtfully described the place Catherine offered to take her . It had exceeded her hopes . How could she have anticipated the peace that came not only with the community , but the addition of finding the son she had thought never to see again ? She knew her useful time was limited , but she intended to do everything she could to help in her new home as long her health allowed . She wanted every minute she could have with Vincent , but after the first couple of days of having him nearly to herself , she insisted that both of them assume duties that should be expected of them . The tunnel residents respected both their sense of duty and their need for time together by giving them short schedules . On Sunday the week after Beth arrived , Vincent watched Catherine from across the dining hall . She and Beth appeared to be fully involved in conversation with several other women , but he knew her mind was elsewhere . He caught her eye when she glanced in his direction and encouraged her to join him as he collected his lunch . He wanted to speak to Catherine alone and was relieved when Beth chose to remain with the others . " Why don 't we have lunch in our chamber ? I believe you need to talk . " Nothing was said as they walked back to their chamber in comfortable , but anticipatory silence . After he had pulled the curtain and they had settled themselves for lunch , Vincent broke the silence . " Something is weighing on your mind , Catherine . Is there anything I can do ? " " What sort of decisions ? " Vincent wasn 't exactly nervous about what Catherine might say , but he felt a little concerned . He could tell from the kind of feeling he gleaned through their bond that she felt the subject was important to them . " Legal decisions . " She quickly launched into presenting some of the things she had thought of after Beth 's appearance in their lives . " We never thought you legally existed before , but you do . I talked to Beth yesterday . She said that , before he was killed , Daniel had picked up the necessary paperwork for a home birth . He and Beth 's friend filed a birth certificate , complete with your tiny little footprint . She still has it : your birth is on record in New York City . You were born to two legal citizens of New York , who any of their friends and neighbors would attest were entirely human , so you are also a legal citizen - with all the privileges that implies … as well as all the responsibilities . " " You know that your world would never accept me or allow me peace , regardless of my legal status , " Vincent responded . " I wasn 't suggesting that we move out into the world Above , " Catherine smiled . " Aside from the danger for you , I don 't think either of us would want to live in the fishbowl atmosphere that would undoubtedly create . I 've dealt with enough of that in my life already . Reporters are now leaving me alone because I 've become so boring … and I 'd like to keep it that way . Right now I only want us to explore the avenues open to us . For one , we can be legally married according to the laws of my world . I couldn 't feel more married to you than I already do ; but if anything happened to destroy or expose the tunnels , your legal status could be of great importance , and my legal status as your wife could be equally important in protecting you . The downside of the legalities is that if you 're exposed and the connection is made - and there isn 't much doubt that it would be - you would be held responsible for the killings when you came to my defense … and probably made to stand trial . There 's no way to know how bad that would be . There are a lot of possibilities in citizenship , both good and bad . The decisions are yours , but they need to be made soon . Identification with pictures is being used more often . Whatever we do , it will need to be done before that becomes more of a requirement . If Beth 's presence is needed for anything , it needs to be handled while she 's still able to make another trip or two Above . " " My life is taking on so many facets … possibilities that I never expected to see . " Vincent exhaled sharply and leaned his head back against the chair , looking toward the ceiling , somewhat shaken at the thoughts Catherine had presented . " It 's difficult to absorb so much in such a short time . " He looked back toward Catherine . " I never imagined that such things could exist for me . These considerations are entirely foreign to life as I know it . " Catherine stood and walked to Vincent 's chair , leaning forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders and kiss his cheek . " I know it 's a lot to think about , " she murmured sympathetically . " I don 't know , Vincent . I 'm leaning toward the idea . In spite of the money I 've provided for large community projects Above , my investments have kept up with them . I 'm very nearly as wealthy now as I was when we were joined . I 'm sure , if it became necessary , I could buy a large tract of land somewhere secluded enough that you would be safe ; but life is never filled with guarantees . It 's always unpredictable . We don 't have to do anything at all if you see no need for it . We may never have a use for these things , but I wanted you to know the possibilities . Ask me any questions you need to . You … or we … can talk to Joe … talk to Father and Peter , Mary , Beth - anybody else whose opinion you value . I 'll honor whatever you decide . " Vincent held her tighter and kissed the top of her head , a familiar gesture that brought both of them a small degree of normalcy in the face of a new uneasiness . He knew Catherine was right . His world , because of its dependence on the world Above , was always balancing on the edge . Most of the time life ran smoothly and they didn 't have to think about it , but all it would take to trigger disaster would be one more building like Elliot 's … one they had no way of stopping … one intruder the sentries missed , who would return with others from Above and expose them . But thoughts of belonging to the world Above in any way other than his connection to Catherine and helpers made him uneasy . Too much had flooded into his life in less than a week . He needed time to adjust . " Do you think this is truly for the best , Catherine ? " Father questioned as they shared tea and a conversation . " As long as the tunnels are safe , I don 't think it will make any difference at all . And it might not matter , even if the tunnels were compromised , as long as we have a place to keep Vincent safe . I think , in the event that he 's exposed to the world Above … something I don 't want to see any more than you do , it can 't hurt to be armed with whatever we have available to fight with . " " I believe we have two , " Father answered . " I 'll find their addresses for you . " Father continued to talk as he found his list , and paper to copy the addresses . " Either would be willing to help , but the man , Abner , has been a helper for more than twenty years and has been partial to Vincent since he was a boy . He would do anything he can to help you insure Vincent 's safety - and I believe you 've met him at Winterfest . If I remember correctly , the two of you got on rather well . " By the end of the week , Catherine had listed the forms and letters that would be essential in order to accomplish her goals and had quickly gathered what she needed . The helper Father mentioned was as accommodating as Catherine could have hoped . To save Beth an extra trip Above , he came to the tunnels to notarize everything that required signatures from Beth , Catherine or Vincent . Beth made her last trip Above , going with Catherine to deliver forms and collect documents for her son . With enough maneuvering , Catherine managed to get a marriage license , and fend off a reporter who asked about it by pointing out that the last time curiosity had her look , there were at least ten other Catherine Chandlers in the phone book . She told the reporter , " Check with them . " Vincent and Catherine 's second wedding ceremony took place in the dining hall , a very low key affair , but made more emotional because Beth was there to share it . Beth lived in the tunnels for nearly four months - at first able to take on light duties , to walk with Vincent to see the wonders of his world . She loved helping Mary with the children and working with William , diffusing his gruff manner with her good natured teasing . She quickly relaxed and became a well - loved part of the community . She had put off treatment for her illness for so long that little could be done to help her . As her health deteriorated , Father and Peter saw to it that she had as much relief from pain as they could provide , and Vincent and Catherine played a large part in her care . When her time finally came , she and Vincent had made the most of their time together , gradually becoming comfortable with one another and building a love and respect they both cherished . They attained within themselves a peace that neither had ever expected to find , resolving old questions and long borne pain ; and Vincent seemed to have found a new confidence in himself . He didn 't have all his answers , but he had what he considered the most important ones . When Beth was gone , her family pictures found a permanent home in Vincent and Catherine 's chamber … and Beth had a permanent place in their hearts , as well as in the hearts of the others in the tunnels , people who had also regarded her as family . A few days after Beth 's burial , feeling his sadness , Catherine found Vincent in their chamber looking at the pictures of his original family . She walked to him , putting her arm around his waist and leaning her head on his shoulder . Without turning or taking his eyes from the photo , Vincent said softly , " I miss her . She gave up so much because of me . Her life could have been so different if it weren 't for me . " " I think both of you should be pleased with yourselves . Through no fault of your own , you 've both lived lives that have limited you in ways that would have been more than most others could bear . Either of you could easily have become angry or bitter , taken out your frustrations on others . Instead , you both faced your limits and worked around them … . both of you … always willing to help someone else … always patient , accepting . Your father gave his life to eliminate something he knew could put limits on the lives of others . Your parents had an impressive sense of integrity … loving spirits . " " I know . She said it was one of the best moments in her life . Do you know that I 'm proud to be your wife for the same reasons ? " Pleased with his response , Catherine moved the conversation in a new direction . " Father might enjoy a visit . In spite of being understanding of the reasons , I think he may have felt a little neglected lately . Shall we see if he 's in his chamber ? " |
Today is Columbus Day , but school goes on there as well as here , I suppose . If Columbus could have known the honor he would have received in a few hundred years , it would have helped him to stand the trials he had a little better perhaps . [ Perry had been doing research on the 4th voyage of Columbus and sharing with his family what he 'd learned . He then wrote a book about the High Voyage and used it for his Master 's thesis at Claremont Graduate School . ] By the way , how is the work progressing , Perry ? We are still enjoying the " surprise " and wish such things could happen a little more often . Mrs . Sperry told us how pretty Linda is and how she seemed to enjoy surprising everybody . She said Linda was in her Primary class . Do you remember that , Linda ? I am glad you went to Bryce Canyon . No person from Utah should miss that . Hope and Grant were here recently for a short " hello . " Hope says she may come up and stay while Grant goes on the deer hunt . The wind has blown here for three days and nights and this is the fourth . But it was nice most of the time for Conference . Had one shower . June is having quite a time with the flu . She gets better and then goes back to bed again . She said this morning that Kerry Dee has a sore throat now , but it will be hard to keep him down . I can 't think if there is anything new that I haven 't told you , so I guess I had better seal this and get it off in the mail . Love from Mother & Dad When you wrote , you were so busy painting , etc . Did you get it all done ? Glad Grandma Fast could be with you . Next to going " Over the River and Through the Wood , To Grandmother 's House We Go , " is have Grandmother come to your house . The three families here in Salt Lake went to Richfield and had a wonderful time . We up here took pies and salad , etc . Hope and Grant roasted a huge turkey and it was perfection itself - - so tender and juicy . The next morning Hope and Grant served one of their professional breakfasts with Grant 's pancakes . It was a real good trip and the sun shone both days . After you folks were here this fall , we had a terrible hail storm - - the biggest hail stones I have ever seen . It sounded like huge rocks being dumped on the roof . Then , in a few days , a terrific wind blew most of the shingles off from the south side of the roof . We supposed there was no insurance as Hazel hadn 't said anything about it . When I asked her , she said she thought it was transferred to their new house . I asked her if she would investigate . The result is we will get $ 200 on it . It cost $ 250 . There was a $ 50 deductible clause . So we are very glad for that . It was necessary to have it re - roofed before the snows came and there is a new one on it now . Frank Slaugh 's wife died and I went to Vernal Saturday with Owen Slough and wife . I was very glad to go for I got to see so many people I haven 't seen for ages . All of Frank 's family was there , also all of his brothers and sisters . Owen Slaugh , while traveling , told us a story - - an experience he had when he was hauling gasoline to Vernal . We came upon a certain turn in the road and he said , " Here is where I helped John Dillinger out of the snow . There was quite a lot of snow piled on either side of the road , and the car - - a red one - - was stalled in a snow bank . There were two men and a red - haired woman . " Owen said the men were swearing and cussing . Owen got out his chains , etc . and pulled them out . They hurried away without even thanking him or saying a word . Owen got in his car and started out and turned on the radio and heard the broadcast : " John Dillinger , who is wanted by the law , we have learned , is traveling thru Utah from California on his way east . He has a red car . Another man and a red - haired woman are with him . " Owen said he was sure of their identity and two days later , Dillinger was shot as he was coming out of a theater in Chicago . I said , " Owen , you should write that story down and perpetuate it . " And Fern spoke up and said , " Yes and name it , ' Be Kind to Everyone . ' " I thought you would enjoy that story . Please write again soon . Love , Mother & Dad David moved into a new house near the mountains . All of the houses were new . the lawns were new . The streets were new . But the mountains were old . The trees were old . And the brush that came down almost to David 's house was old too . Soon something moved . Something came walking through the brush . It sniffed this way . It sniffed that way . It sniffed its way right into David 's box . Into the house he ran with Mrs . Saladino right behind him . Mary was playing with her dolls . " Mary ! Mary ! Look what I 've caught ! " " These must be bear tracks , " David said . Into the sack he put some peanut butter . He held the sack open with some branches so that a bear could jump in . Then he hid behind some bushes and watched . Quickly David ran and grabbed the sack . " A bear ! I 've caught a bear ! " he shouted . Through the bushes , through the brush , and down the street he ran shouting . " A bear ! I 've caught a bear ! " Up to the end of the street he walked . Through the brush , through the bushes and into the trees he walked . Soon he saw some tracks . They looked like this : " These are bear tracks , " said David . " I will catch a bear here . " He rolled the barrel against a tree and put some honey in it . Then he walked away so that a bear could walk right in . But just then the barrel began to roll . Away from the tree it rolled , through the bushes , through the brush . Down the street it rolled with David running behind shouting , " A bear ! I 've caught a bear ! " Mr . Bushinsky dropped his paint brush and ran after them . Mrs . Saladino dropped her trimming shears and ran after them . They all ran down the street after David , and David ran after the barrel . Round and round the barrel rolled , faster and faster . Down the street and past the houses it went . Across the new lawn it went until it came BUMP right up against David 's house . " BOY CATCHES BEAR WITH BARE HANDS ! " said the newspaperman . " What a headline for my newspaper . " His camera flashed while David stood beside the bear . He stood tall and straight , but the bear 's eyes were still going round and round . I miss you here in Claremont . It was nice being able to pop in on you whenever I had the car ! Guess I 'll just have to plan to take a day off here and drive into LA and visit you . Maybe I can plan to do it while the kids are still in school . Yes , I received an announcement of Ricky 's graduation too . Must send him a nice card - - wish I could do more ! Did you ever hear from him ? Yes , I have your sewing machine and bench . They are in my room . I am not using the machine , I am so used to my own . If you want it , I 'll bring it to you ? ? Whatever you say . Yes , Perry 's folks came in last Friday evening ( May 11th ) about supper time , so I fixed more supper and served two shifts . I did this every meal thru Saturday and Sunday . They left Sunday night late . There were six of them plus our eight here , so you see I was cooking for an army every meal ( or so I felt ) . Ha ! It was so cold , we didn 't go anywhere , just stayed home and visited . But I was on my feet most all the time plus taking my Sunday School class early Sunday morning . When they left , I ached from head to foot - - put the kids to bed and collapsed in my own - - slept a lot the next day after I got the kids all off to school . It was about the most strenuous Mother 's Day I ever had I think . But I think they all had a good time - - enjoyed the kids so much and had a good visit with Perry too - - so I 'm glad . Marian had a girl friend stay overnight with her on her birthday . She planned her own birthday dinner and I made her a chocolate cake . Got her some play clothes , pajamas and a big beach towel for her birthday present from us all . She liked the overnight bag you gave her . Thanks so much . Thanks too for all the Blue Chip stamps . I 'm going to get me some sheets and pillow cases with them . I need them most . My twin sheets and pillow cases are all warn out . Your Relief Society magazines finally came - - all in one package - - 4 of them , Feb . , March , April and May . I 'll read them and bring them to you when I come to see you . Only one more lesson , the social science is left . Then we 'll have one work day each month thru the sumer . Hope you can get started there in your Manchester Ward soon . I 'd like to attend with you when I come to see you . Your place sounds so very nice . I 'm glad you 're all squared around again . What do you hear from the folks back East ? Write me again . We all miss you . Love , Gene Perry got your nice Father 's Day card yesterday . We all enjoyed it very much . Harriet got inspired and made Daddy a card with a rhyming verse . He got a card and a tie from some friends , and the kids gave him a box of chocolate mints . All in all , he was very well thought of . Ha ! But then he got a telephone call this afternoon from the stake president asking him to replace a fellow high council member this evening in our ward and give his talk . So he really feels on the spot just now . So I am writing you while he studies . I also received a long letter from Betty which I will send to you . I answered her yesterday . She enclosed one of Ricky 's graduation pictures . I told her I was glad that Ricky was getting to visit Emily [ Ricky 's birth mother ] but hoped he would return soon . ( I know he is better off in his father 's home than he would be with Emily ! ) Mother , I know I gave back the news clippings of Aunt Minnie 's kids the day you moved back to LA . I gave them to you that Saturday morning when Perry was moving your things from the apartment here . I hope you can find them . [ Signs of alzheimer 's disease in Leora 's behavior , which slowly became more and more advanced until she could no longer live alone . ] Hope you get your money back for the moving expenses too - - let us know . Marian passed from the eighth grade with all honors again . She has another honor society certificate . ( She received one last year too . ) She is working towards a scholarship . She wants to be a home economics teacher . Linda is an excellent typist - - got an award in this . Wants to be a good stenographer . Dale finally pulled thru the seventh grade . He will take math in summer school - - think this will help him . Perry is in the midst of research and study towards writing a book which he hopes to complete within a year . Must hurry this off to you . Surely do miss you . Haven 't forgotten the $ 1 you sent me . I 'm trying to make plans to come see you ! More later . Love , Gene & all Received your letter , I think yesterday , or maybe it was Aunt Edith 's letter , and yours may have arrived day before . At least I answered Aunt Edith 's yesterday and dropped it at the post office . That is about the same distance from me as the one in Claremont , but I have sidewalks all the way . It 's on Manchester between Budlong and Vermont , so I just walk east 1 / 2 block to Budlong and up to Manchester , then about 1 / 2 block to the postoffice and there I am . We have a Safeway on Vermont between 88th and 89th , so yesterday evening from the postoffice I walked south to Safeway . While I was out and shopped a little there , I got a ride home with a neighbor that was there too . [ Leora moved from Claremont and returned to LA because she missed the convenience of walking or taking a bus or light - rail when she wanted to get out . ] Seems to me I do remember you giving me the envelope of newspaper pictures of Aunt Minnie 's granddaughters . I 'm just wondering if I was crazy enough to send them back to you and thinking you hadn 't seen them . Did you look in all the letters I 've sent you since I 'm moved here ? Anyhow , I cleaned out my desk and looked everything over and didn 't find it . So Perry was called on to make or give a talk on Father 's Day in the absence of someone else , but that should not have been too hard since he 's a father of 6 active members in your family . This would have been a good time to have mentioned what our forefathers of the Church means to us as to the gathering of our ancestors and doing the temple work for many of our ancestral fathers that were never LDS . Might make some of the LDS more conscious of those they are neglecting in not being interested in this work of their forefathers . . . . Ricky is not a child anymore . He is 18 years and is considered a young man , beginning himself to realize he will be out on his own and will try or should try to make his own decisions . I know what it means , but I lost both my parents at age 10 and then had to live at that age with a person really too much older than a mother would be and Aunt Bell was too dominating . I should have decided at the age of 18 or 19 to have done the things I wanted to do without too much domineering interference . There were two things I wanted or would have liked to have studied - - one , to have been a trained nurse , but was not encouraged in that . Aunt Bell said , " Oh , that 's a life of slavery , " and of course I 'd liked to have studied more music and voice . I had the talent of a great singer , but never received the encouragement . That would have taken more cash than I had , but she didn 't help , so after all , when she is dead and gone , strangers get all her estate that was left . So I wish Ricky was around me now . I 'd encourage him to go to the college of his choice and by taking a prep course , maybe he 'd discover what he 'd like or whatever his talent might be and go through school . Ricky loved to read a lot and could always relate so well what he had read . Pepperdine College is near me here . He might make a very good instructor if given a chance , but he should get away from the family now , for he 'll be made to feel he 'll have to still do babysitting for the family . Aunt Bell always let me go and visit my grandma and sister and aunts and uncles and cousins . Of course , my sister Minnie always was along with me . Later , as I got older , I 'd go see them alone . She trusted me for she knew I 'd come back home . . . . Better close , Love , Mother Dear grandchildren , we look back with pleasure to our visit with you and try to picture in our minds what you are doing now that school is out . Your yard was so pretty , yet I know that it takes quite a lot of work to keep a yard pretty . so I know the boys will have some work there keeping down the weeds etc . When do the apricots ripen ? By the way , Jan , everyone who looks at your picture thinks it is of David . One day recently , Grandpa and I went to Hazel 's house . I suppose David 's dog still remembers our car for he rode in it a few times . So as soon as we stopped and I opened the door to get out , Laddie , David 's dog , bounded in and up on the back seat and laid down with his head on a pillow I had put in there for occasions when I wanted a back rest . He is a big , brown beautiful dog , and it was laughable the way he stretched out there on the back seat . David scolded , but he wouldn 't come out , and David had to get in there and pull him out . David and Walter came down here to get some manure that they had hauled here several years ago from your father 's chicken coops . Grandpa was glad they came and asked for it . I have picked some sour pie cherries , but the robins are so greedy , they won 't let them get ripe even . The other day , I went there wearing my big straw hat and a bucket tied around my waist , but the robins were not at all scared . I picked up a big stick and struck out at the branches , but one robin flew around on the other side of the tree and kept on picking at the cherries . Another one flew away with a ripe cherry in his bill . I suppose he was taking it to his nest . Oh well , I like the robins , and I guess I shouldn 't mind if they and their little ones have some . I don 't think we would want all of them . Harriet and Renee , I 'll bet you could draw a picture of me and the cherry tree . Haha ! What did you do with the little kittens ? Did you keep them all ? And if Jan and Dale can help keep the yard nice , Linda and Marian can do a lot of work helping with the house work and sewing and mending . It takes a lot of mending , it seems , to keep clothes going . On our way home from California , Kerry Dee was telling how he and Dale and Jan changed all the sheets and pillow cases downstairs when we were there . He thinks you boys are real workers . We were glad to get your letter yesterday with all the news . We were sorry to hear that you have had so much illness during the moving . The moving is certainly a trial enough . We had our stake conference Saturday and Sunday also . LeGrande Richards and Henry D . Taylor were here and our stake was divided . We have a new Pomona Stake . I am a member of the new high council . Our stake will comprise just five wards to begin with . It is surely a lot more compact than it was . Now we won 't have to travel 30 miles for stake meetings . Although , we don 't have a stake building within the confines of our stake , so we may still go to Riverside for a while . I guess a stake building will be our first major project . We have been having some real cold weather here lately . It almost reminds me of Utah . There has been an unusual amount of rain and snow has fallen in the foothills just a few miles north of us . So we really have a wintry atmosphere . I will say the mountains are beautiful . I want to mail this this morning and I must leave now . Love , Perry I read the letters with the utmost joy . It took me nearly an hour to read all of them , but a pleasanter hour I have never had . Gene enjoys them too as well as all of the children . That speaks quite well from our end of the line for their continuance . I 've been sitting here thinking what I could write about . Yes , I 've been busy ( very ) . It is getting hot . ( You all know how it can . ) The weeds are growing profusely ( without any effort . ) School will be out on June 16 . The children count the days twice daily . But Linda and Dale have decided to take a summer school course - - typing for Linda and a science class for Dale . . . . I don 't know just how the subject came up , but we were discussing birthdays . In the course of the conversation my wife stated that , as a child , she had never had a happy birthday . I said I had never had an unhappy one until the State of Utah interfered back in 1934 . From that time on , happy birthdays have been a bit harder to achieve I had to admit . With that sketchy bit of information , we extended our discussion into our backgrounds to discover some element of truth which might , perhaps , give us a clue to the brightening of our future birthdays , which after age 50 begins to pose a dilemma . It is remarkable what small things can trigger a discovery . In our short discussion we learned more about each other than we did in our courtship , which was too brief and we were too enamored with each other for learning such inconsequential things as how we celebrated birthdays . My wife came from middle class ; I came from middle class poverty . My wife always had a birthday party ; I never had a birthday party . My wife always received birthday presents ; I never received birthday presents . My wife never had a happy birthday ; I always had a happy birthday . That paradox seemed worth pursuing . My wife always had a birthday party . The proper children were invited , and they came properly attired , each carrying a proper gift . To her mother , a birthday party was a model of efficiency , the shortest route to achieving a happy birthday . She was married to a time - study engineer - - an efficiency expert , and no doubt had picked up some fragments of information which she diligently applied to her homemaking responsibilities . To insure this efficiency , she hovered over the children , carefully directing them from one activity to the next . Everything was neatly programmed and structured because a happy birthday must be insured and she , as mother , knew best how to get there like the shortest distance between two points . Everything moved with precision . Then the finale : " Happy birthday to you ! Happy birthday to you ! " They each had a small piece of cake , some punch and then , " Now you may go home boys and girls . Your mothers and fathers will be looking for you . " Happy birthday ? The child had only been brainwashed . She might as well have been asked to write I had a happy birthday ten times . In my early years , my birthdays were models of beautiful neglect . Whether this was due to the urgency of caring for a large family in poverty , or whether this was actually supervised neglect I cannot say . In later years my mother only laughed and sidestepped the issue when questioned directly . I suspect she was afraid she might be trapped into an admission that she had not done all she could . There was a great equality among the people where I lived . There was a small bank in the center of town that took care of the needs of the merchants , and I heard that a few city people even carried bank accounts there . But if one had rounded up all the farmers in the area and had them unload their cash , the disclosure would have shown no more than two or three who had thirty cents more than the others . That was great for equality , but it made it rather difficult for public services to operate , particularly schools . Along about March , there was always a community stir as to just how much longer school would last - - there was just so much money left . Schools usually managed to hold out until about the end of April , and then just stopped of a sudden , like an engine out of gas . At that time , children emerged from their confinement and took to the fields , hills and mountains for their lab work . Although I was only eleven and considered myself left to moderate as a future voter in the community , I rather favored schools as long as it wasn 't carried too far . I particularly liked the way school ended - - sudden , abrupt . It gave the whole year 's learning a heightened effect like the play whose ending is sharp , clean , right after the denouement . And my favorite speeches have always been those that ended just a few minutes before one expected them to end . Rambling on after an obvious point of conclusion is an unforgivable crime against artistry . But the end of April would have been my chosen time for school to conclude anyway . The end of April is just six days before the sixth of May , my birthday . The thought of going to school on one 's birthday was unthinkable . I knew a lot of children who had to do just that . It was pathetic . I saw them coming to school , their heads hanging . Sometimes they mustered a grin and said , " Today 's my birthday , " only to be interrupted by that jarring school bell . To be forced to work arithmetic problems and list the products of Brazil on one 's birthday seemed like a pernicious violation of the human spirit . Their parents should have been more thoughtful . It takes time and preparation to enjoy a birthday anywhere near its potential . Adults have no idea of the emotional impact it is to a child to become a year older . It is the culmination , the absolute denouement , of 365 days of activity and should be treated with reverence . There should be no wham - bam - happy birthday sort of thing . But adults are terribly efficient . The preparation for a birthday begins the day after the last birthday . It is a symphony beginning with allegro and gradually , from day to day , week to week moves into other components . There must be ups and downs , fasts and slows . All crescendo exists only in the sickness of addiction . There must be diminuendos , lento con esprecione , and da capo capo capo . The finale should begin about one week before the birthday . In my case , it began with the simple statement by somebody , usually my father , that my birthday was approaching . That was all . Nothing else . But it heightened the awareness , and with the slight hint gave me confidence that my symphony was not being played to an empty house . There might be other suggestions through that week and on the eve many of them . " Tomorrow you 'll be eight , " or whatever . Becoming a year older is so dramatic to a child that he can hardly approach it alone . All this time there were no harried discussions about parties or what they were going to buy . Never did they ask , " What do you want ? " I only wanted to be a year older . When the day arrived , it was necessary for me to arise at least an hour early . The day was mine and I chose to lengthen it . As I walked out by the pond , I heard the killdeers say , " Happy birthday . " The meadowlarks adapted their usual song to " Happy birthday today . " The sheep and lambs walked up to the fence and bleated , " Happy birthday . " The old cow , usually quite indifferent , looked my way , nodded a ditto , and went back to her cud . It is true that foxes can talk if you know how to listen . Language lessons were forgotten . School was only a memory . A whole day . The world called to me . There were nests in the willows , muskrats in the swamps . I was master of my own curriculum . I had to hurry . Bareback on my pony , I would get around as much of it as I could . By evening there was still the excitement of uncertainty . I yet did not know if I would have a cake . I am not sure if I always had one , but I believe I usually had one . It was frosted with whipped cream and had only a few colored candies sprinkled on top . The books I had read and the pictures I had seen all seemed to strongly indicate that a sugar icing with candles were the proper covering for a cake . But since we were poor , I knew that I could not expect to be just like everybody else . Sugar we had to buy ; cream we produced ; candles were a frivolity . But it didn 't matter . I knew I was a year older , and I knew there could be no retreat . Then one day - - it was March , I believe , 1934 . We received word that the rest of the state of Utah felt sorry for us . It had taken a lot of doing - - arm twisting , maneuvering , and straight talking , but now , at last , there were enough people who felt sufficiently ashamed that now they were going to share their money with us . School was going to run until May 18 ! Of all the dastardly , low - down , diabolical tricks adults could pull on children that had to be the meanest ! To go to school on my birthday ? And be like all those other kids whose thoughtless parents had them be born in October and February ? I believe I still have a residual distrust because of that traumatic event which shattered my world . I know now that when somebody gives me something , I am certainly going to give up something . The exchange may not always be of equivalent value . Adults do the best they can , I suppose . They certainly mean well . They mean so well that they view children 's play as formless , needing structure , without educational value . They seek to thwart it , supervise it and a best channel it far beyond any optimum necessity . They are anxious about free , spontaneous , unstructured play . This is because they do not have good memories or have such low opinions of themselves that they have abandoned their own resident judgements in favor of that of others which changes from season to season . In either case , they are too far removed from where a child 's world unfolds , and they fail to see that in play a child is seeking mastery of his world . Two thought by authorities fascinate me . Einstein is reported to have said that play is the highest form of research . Bruno Bettelheim said , " Through playing out feelings children master emotions which would otherwise overwhelm them . " I have read some interesting research on ants . In this I am particularly interested , perhaps because of the injunction : " Go to the ant thou sluggard ; consider her ways and be wise . " It seems that ants are not at all concerned solely with building and storing , nor are their movements always the shortest distance between two points . Their lives are full of abundant play . They take circuitous , aimless walks , stop and pass the time of day with another traveler , and occasionally some little thinking fellow will stop and converse with some philosopher and about the height and breadth of a leaf and the wonderful transparency of glass . Almost everybody gives at least lip service to the value of play . I am sure that more and more we will discover its value . My concern is that the more we recognize its value , the more we will try to supervise it and make it ours rather than the child 's . It may be argued that children can 't play all the time . That is true , perhaps , but of this I am certain : Whenever we interrupt a child from free , spontaneous , unstructured play , we had better replace it with something terribly good . It seems a long time since we heard from you , but we are the laggards this time . It was so nice to get several letters from you and others . Everyday I wonder what you are doing . Elmer and I have really had quite a few nice things happen to us , or several things we had the privilege of attending . I can 't remember if I told you of our going to Manti to be present at Floyd 's marriage ceremony . That was a nice trip . Then we went to Nelson 's mission farewell here in the Assembly Hall . We saw Darrel Goodrich and wife . Their son was one of the missionaries as also was one of Lorin and Merle McKee 's . They were there too . Then it happened to be Pa 's day off , so we went to the temple with Venice and Elvyn when Wilda was married . But we could not go out to her reception . It was a real snow storm here and in the mountains . But Grant , Hope and June went and made it all right . It was a real good reception they said . They stayed all night at Todd 's and enjoyed that too . It is such a dark , gloomy day . I can hardly see to write . We really got some moisture with that snow , and it has rained some since . On Halloween night , I wondered if your neighbors circulate around for " trick or treat " as they do here , and if Dale and Jan and Renee and Harriet dress up for the occasion . We didn 't have so many come here - - about two dozen . Genevieve came down with Floyd yesterday , and she said they had about 65 . Pa quite enjoys it . He bought the treats and handed them out . The bishop brought his children down here , and they gave us a dish of nice homemade candy . I don 't know if they gave everyone a treat like that . I have been thinking of a few songs that I would like to have kept alive in the family , so I think I will write a couple for Renee and Harriet Lea . Then I have a poem for Dale that will go good with his love for animals , toads , etc . What project does he have now ? And I suppose Jan is helping him . I am glad Linda and Marian are learning to do things , which reminds me of a talk at a conference by a good speaker who stressed the fact that young people should learn to do and learn to do without . " Too many people today think they can 't do without so get into all kinds of trouble on account of it . " Perry and Gene , Genevieve brought us a bunch of sweaters to give to someone . They are mostly for girls , and we thought your girls could use them as they use sweaters when they don 't need a coat . About the " Frog 's Goodbye , " I have the music to it . I taught it when I taught school , and the children used to sing it with enthusiasm . Love , Mother [ Gene 's mother , Leora , got into a cycle where she moved often - - always finding some reason why she couldn 't stay in the same place for very long . Since she lived in Los Angeles , her frequent moves created quite an inconvenience for the rest of the family . For a time , she agreed to rent an apartment in Claremont , but like all her other moves before , that only lasted for a short time and then she eventually moved back to Los Angeles . ] Your latest letter arrived yesterday . Also received a call from Carl Bradley yesterday afternoon . He tells me the place is ready . They painted through out and cleaned the carpets . He has sent the couch out to be reupholstered . It will be out one week and should you move in before it comes back , he will substitute another couch . He asked when you would be wanting to move in , and I said we hoped by the 18th . Perry and I were sustained Sunday night in our ward as the coordinating committee to work with the missionaries in welcoming new members ( newly baptized ) into the ward and church . I am really rather in the dark as to what all of this means and what we will be expected to do . But today the missionaries came and asked if they could come in and explain this work to us . I told them we were some of us a little under the weather today . Then I invited them to come back Sunday afternoon after sacrament meeting . So that is when they will come . Dale came home from school yesterday sick at his stomach and feverish . So am keeping him home today . Now this morning , I feel my old bladder trouble creeping up on me again . So am staying in bed or off my feet if I can . My , those are terrible disasters , terrible fires there in LA . Do hope they have them all checked by now . Some of those fires must be kind of close to our lovely temple . Glad you got home ok Sunday evening . Yes , the wind picked up some here that night too . Yes , so far as I know , Perry will be able to get the trailer and help Pierce get you moved on the night of the 18th . We are all so glad you are moving out here . I feel as though this is the right thing for you for I have been praying about it . Love , Gene p . s . Hope and Grant Williams and his brother and sister were here Monday night and left Tuesday morning . They were down here on business and stopped over with us on their return home . Gene 's letter came Monday . We were real glad to get it and get a little more detail of your doings . Sounds as though all of you really are busy . That is a full schedule for all of you . I will try and mail the box of things tomorrow as it is Elmer 's day off , and we can take it up to the post office . All of the things may not be usable , but maybe most of them could be used for some home wear . Hazel and I have cleaned some of them , and the others look ok . Elmer and I went down to Genevieve 's the other day . They are busy too . They depended a lot on Floyd as long as he was home , but they seem to be getting along all right , and they are busy too . Lorin has two chapels now to look after . I don 't know just what they get for that . Afton does beauty work for a shop down in Provo . Don goes to the BYU at 7 in the morning and comes home at 2 pm and works in the store close by . He gets a dollar per hour . Genevieve says the worst of it all is that they have to run the car so many times a day to Provo and back . Venice and family seem to be all right from what I hear once in a while . She hasn 't time to write very often . Perry , we are sending a check for $ 10 for Christmas . Put it where it is needed most . I had thought of giving each of the children $ 1 , but maybe they can put it all together toward a suit for Daddy . Your father says not to worry about the other you borrowed . I am glad you and Gene can work in that church capacity together . That is where you both have ability . I am going to relief society today . I am a relief society visiting teacher now and nothing else . Well , I had better seal this and be on my way . I am expecting June this afternoon to come and type some patriarchal blessings . [ Elmer was the stake patriarch . ] Love to all , Father and Mother Gene , you spoke of financial difficulties . Of course Dad and I had them a lot too , but remember , I never went out to work , but we managed . A few times in Milwaukee , we did have to take county help as to food . Uncle B . M . ( Byron Macually Fast , Emmett 's twin brother ) sure was wonderful to Dad . He helped to pay for your braces . Just read an old letter here he 'd written Dad and was much concerned about your teeth , etc . Remember , though , Dad had about $ 400 in stock he 'd bought on the market . It was of the Associated Gas & Electric Company that Byron worked for so many years before he retired . But I remember Dad giving him that certificate showing amount of shares he had bought , so I felt it took care of repaying him on your teeth care . When we came to Los Angeles , Dad paid back Uncle E . N . ( Edward Nash Fast , Emmett 's oldest brother ) and Byron the $ 800 I think it was that they loaned him to start in gas station business . I sure was glad he could repay that , and we sort of got out of the depression by going to Washington DC and taking civil service jobs . It was easier on me at least , working in a department store than trying to run that Sun Oil Station with Pierce 's help . Better that Pierce got a job in DC too . Anyway , we found the Mormons , and I was Pierce 's first convert and baptized by him here after I 'd studied , but genealogy gave me the first boost . You talk about Perry writing stories . I could write plenty on our experiences and how these hard experiences in life led us to the east to find the Mormons . Poor Dad , it seemed the old devil sure tried hard to get him down through the financial way , for he was always money - minded or concerned in the stocks , etc . Guess it was because Uncle E . N . was such a shrewd financial businessman , but he took a course in business college and taught it awhile I think and was up in world affairs too . He would have made a wonderful government man in our Capitol at Washington , DC . His handwriting was beautiful . Anyway , he became secretary and treasurer of the concern he worked for and was so well thought of by all the brothers and sisters of Fast family . They all admired him . Uncle W . W ( Walter Wyman Fast , another brother ) is well - fixed too but not the fine , genteel man E . N . was . W . W . is ok , but like his German fore - bearers , he 's blunt and out - spoken . But I liked him . He helped out on Dad 's funeral expense . I want to tell you , why don 't you just keep the girls practicing on their music and let down on going to music teacher . They 'll learn to play and read their music well if they just keep up a daily practice period and save paying that teacher the cash you need now . It 's the constant daily practice period and putting into practice the things they 've been taught in music . Marian has a beautiful tone quality in singing . When she gets a little older , it would be good for her to learn how to sing and breathe correctly , posture and tone quality , etc . Singers are usually very healthy people because of learning how to use the voice and breathing correctly and having correct posture they get better tone quality . You shouldn 't go in debt but take care of the necessities first and learn to economize - - even the children . Thank you so much for the money . I will get you paid back just as soon as I can and I surely hope it doesn 't put you out . This gets to be quite a long stretch waiting from June to October for a check . I enjoyed your letter and all the news . I was surprised to hear about Jack Detomasi . I 'm afraid it won 't be long until Fred goes too . I was pleased to hear about Wilda . That fellow seems to be very nice , and I think she is very fortunate . We are all back in school now and I have to get up at 5 : 30 to get Linda to seminary by 6 : 30 . I go right on over to school . The day seems long , but I get a lot more accomplished anyway . I 'm glad you enjoyed my little story poem . I 'm trying to write something that can be enjoyed by children and perhaps understood by adults . I have just completed another much shorter one . When I get it typed up , I 'll send you a copy . Marian has just completed her part in " Promised Valley . " She had so many rehearsals , it became quite a strain . I didn 't know if she would be able to hold out , but she did , and now she is real pleased and so are we . It was a real good production . Perry enjoyed writing and shared much of what he wrote with his family . During this time , he also took a creative writing class as part of his coursework for obtaining a master 's degree . I 'm including one of the short stories here , and I 'll include other stories in future updates . Jessica was born in the old pasture at the McClelland farm . There were fifty other lambs in the pasture and most people could not have told them apart . But to their mothers they were not alike at all . There was Isabelle . Her wool made little whorls down her side and ripples across her back . There was Minerva . Her wool went in little whorls across her back and ripples down her sides . Then there was Roxanna . She had teeny tiny ringlets all over her fleecy body . And Philemon had just a tiny bit bushier growth of wool around his face . Of course Jessica was different too because she had been born late in the season and so she was smaller than the rest of the lambs and her wool didn 't go in whorls or ripples . It just stood out straight all over her body . But Jessica was different in another more important way . Her mother was the leader of the herd . When her mother fed along the ditch - bank all of the flock fed along the ditch - bank . When she nibbled on the tender bark among the willows , the rest of the flock nibbled on the tender bark also . And if a strange dog should happen to come through the pasture , she would stand , face the intruder and stamp her feet . Immediately she would be joined by all the others until the baffled dog would trot away in silence . Or if the danger seemed great , she might break and run for the shed followed of course by all the others . " My dear , how many times have I told you ; you become a leader by leading . All sheep want somebody to lead them so all you have to do is lead . It 's just as simple as that . " " Now , now , " answered her mother . " You should be out practicing leadership on the other lambs . Why , when I was your age , they always followed me in the games I wanted to play . The time to start is now . " Jessica started over to where the other lambs were playing tag in the middle of the pasture . But just as she was about to join them , they shot past her , almost knocking her down . Isabelle was leading them in a race to the other end of the pasture . Jessica started after them . " Perhaps , " she thought , " if I can beat them , then they will let me be their leader . " She ran as fast as she could . She passed most of the lambs . She saw Isabelle just ahead of her so she closed her eyes and ran harder than ever . Suddenly , POW ! She hadn 't seen Isabelle turn and Jessica ran right smack into the fence . Embarrassed and ashamed , she picked herself up . The others were far away now . Roxanna was showing them how high she could jump , and the others were trying to imitate her . When she got there , they were nibbling on young willow shoots . Jessica started jumping . She jumped high in the air , but the others continued to nibble on young willow shoots . Jessica jumped again as high as she could go , making a half turn to the right and a half turn to the left then landed perfectly on all four feet . The others still nibbled on young willow shoots . Again Jessica sprang into the air , high , higher than she had ever jumped before . And then she did a remarkable thing - - she made a complete somersault in mid - air . She ran over and started pushing with all her might . She stumbled and fell , got up , others came tumbling down in front of her . Over them she jumped . She pushed , butted , squeezed , squeezed , pushed , butted . Finally she reached the top , but as she turned to challenge the others , she saw they were off on another race - - this time with Minerva in the lead . Jessica stood there sad and alone . She was the boss of Bunker 's Hill , but there was nobody left to be the boss of . Poor unhappy Jessica . She walked away and lay down beneath an old cottonwood tree . She just lay there and thought . She had so many things to think about . So Jessica chose to be alone more and more . When the flock fed in the north pasture , Jessica fed in the south pasture . When the flock fed along the ditch - bank , Jessica fed in the marsh . But Jessica especially liked to feed in the willow patch because there she could really be alone . Once Jessica 's mother searched her out and said , " What in the world is the matter with you , Jessica ? This isn 't natural . This isn 't normal . Don 't you know that all sheep stay together ? Why are you so different ? " But Jessica didn 't know why she was different and so , of course , she couldn 't answer her mother 's question . " I think I would rather be a cow than a sheep , " thought Jessica . " I would like to join them if only I could get over the fence . I 'll bet if I tried , I could do it . " So Jessica climbed up onto an old log that stood by the fence and with one mighty leap she landed on the other side . " I think I like this much better , " thought Jessica . " The grass and clover are much taller . Over in the sheep pasture one has to nibble right down to the ground . " Suddenly she heard a lot of noise . There was much shouting and commotion . She looked through the fence . Men were driving the sheep into the corral . When they had them all in and locked up , they set up some strange machines outside . Jessica stared in surprise and amazement as one by one the sheep were caught . They kicked and struggled to get away , but each one was promptly set down and each fleece was sheared off . Then it was tied into a bundle and thrown into a big sack . Jessica really had to laugh when Roxanna was sheared . Roxanna just sat there so helpless and undignified while all of her beautiful little ringlets were clipped away . And Philemon was really a comical sight when the long wool was sheared away from his face . She watched until the men had sheared the last sheep . They started to put the machines away . then Jessica bleated long and loud . " No , here am I ! Don 't forget me ! " One of the men called out , " Here is one more . " They caught Jessica . She kicked hard , but soon they put her down and her long thick fleece was clipped away . " Well , this will do no good , " said Jessica . " Besides , I feel much better now without that winter coat . " So she leaped into the air and ran out of the gate and into the sheep pasture . And to Jessica 's surprise , all of the other sheep came stampeding behind her . Then Jessica began feeding in the south pasture and all of the other sheep began feeding in the south pasture . Then Jessica fed along the ditch - bank and all of the others joined her . Then she decided to feed among the willows , and all of the flock followed her among the willows . Perry 's teacher wrote : " This is a rare story . Your intuitive sense of rhythm , backed by an obvious understanding of the habits of sheep , has produced a story for adults and children alike . Please give me a copy . A perfect ending ! the family . The letters are difficult to read , no punctuation , words spelled differently , old - fashion script , so I may not have everything right , but as best as I could , I 've typed what I thought they were saying . ] Letter written by Henry Ewing Calhoun to his in - laws , she was taken with the scarlet fever and on Tuesday evening she was a corpse . [ Huldah was born in 1837 , so she was only two years old when she died . ] This is a hard word for me to say . We have all had the same fever but not so the matter if there is any chance for me there to make a living for my family . There is but 3 of us now on the land of the living . If we was in a few miles of each other , Louisa and us , all missing her parents support and comfort . Her parents live in Peoria County , Illinois , over 200 miles west of Lawrence County . But they had lived in Lawrence County and had moved about four years prior , so they know many of the neighbors that Louisa mentions . comfort to me . Sometimes I think I never will see all your faces again . Willis Blanchard [ Louisa 's uncle ] family is well . Henry and Martha stayed here last I 'm a retired teacher who is now blessed with the time to spend on my favorite subjects - - my family , past and present . While learning about my past , I 've found many stories I 'd like to share with my family . I hope you 'll find these pictures , letters and stories as interesting as I have . |
Well , Come In ! On a weekend night , Ana was dozing in front of her computer screen while watching another long , high - rated television series . When a guest visit turned her boring lonely night into a everlasting memory , probably more appropriate to call it a nightmare . The doorbell rang and Ana got up with a jolt and hit her leg with the table . She hopped on one leg to the door and watched through the peephole to see who was it . She saw the opposite door and the empty hallway otherwise . " Hello beta ! It seems that my son has gone out and isn 't picking up my call right now . Can I wait at your place till he returns home again ? He lives in that apartment … That one , with a laundry bag outside the door . " the old lady said pointing at the door at the end of the hallway . " What does your son do ? I haven 't actually seen him or anyone go towards that flat since I 've been here . Does he work unusual shifts ? " Ana enquired . " I don 't know actually . We haven 't talked since a while . I live at our family house in suburbs and couldn 't visit him due to family commitments . This is my first time here in the city . He used to call everyday earlier , but then since a few months , he doesn 't call us that regularly . So I thought to surprise him with a visit . " Lady went on . " Work environment these days ! Eats out your time like a leech and doesn 't allow you to spend time with the people you love . Isn 't it ? " The lady and Ana talked about varied topics and time flied soon . Ana talked with someone this long after a long time . She last talked for these many hours last time when she had visited her parents . But that was a long time ago . " So , you 're here to stay a while ? As I had a really nice time with you Aunty , and would want to meet you again . " Ana said up brightly . She saw the otherwise grim look on the lady 's face turn pleasant and happy to hear that . Probably she was lonely in her life too . Void of love and attention from her son , care from her other family members . Her wrinkled face seemed sore and tired of years of dedicated care - taking of her family , where her own wishes and needs had dried up like the moisture in her skin . " So sweet of you beta . We will surely meet again if you want . Just come over to our house next time you feel like talking to anyone . You 're like my daughter , beta . I 'd love to chit - chat with you . " Lady said smiling , the only time her folded face still looked beautiful . Ana smiled and stood up " Excuse me for a second . " and went towards the washroom . She was happy to find someone with whom she could spend some time now that she wasn 't around her own family and friends . And an elder company is better once you grow up enough to get bored of the usual partying and wasting time at all crazy activities with your friends . She went to the door and looked outside in the hallway . It was empty . Probably the lady 's son had come and took her home . But that was weird that she left without saying goodbye . The doorbell rang again . Ana went to answer the door and opened it without looking through the peephole . Probably it was the lady , come to explain her sudden exit . It was the uncle next door . " Do you have today 's newspaper . There 's an ad that I have to check out . " the uncle continued in his usual withered tone . " That house is empty . No one lives there . The last tenant died in a car crash and the house has been empty since then . " the uncle answered her question , and asked with confusion on his face " Why ? " " Just a few months back . I don 't remember , but recently though . " the uncle said while scratching his bald head . " Okay thanks for the newspaper . Goodnight . " And he went on towards his house . Ana nodded in reply of that farewell , but her head was filled with questions and worry . That lady must be unaware of the unfortunate accident with her son and was waiting for her son to call her since last few months . It wasn 't a surprise visit , it was to calm down her anxiously worried heart . But it wasn 't going to calm down , not now . Ana let go of the staring - at - the - wall position and looked at him . " Does his family know about his death ? Had anyone informed his family about the mishap ? " she asked the obvious questions . " Well of course . The story gets more sad here . The police had tracked down his family and had informed them about the incident . The body was delivered to them too for final rituals . I heard from others that everyone in their family was setback with the bad news . After all , the only son , only child to the parents died an unfortunate death . God bless ! " he said while looking up , praying . " The boy was a good person . Never did we hear any complain about that section of our hallway . None from residents or visitors . Poor mother of his . They said that her mother was the most affected with the news . She wouldn 't believe that her son was no more in this world and would urge on to come visit her son here . " The uncle replied with an even sad face " Oh she died , I hear . Couldn 't bear the pain I guess . Better that way . Than living in a pretense of his alive son . Anyway , why you ask about that family ? You knew them ? " the uncle asked , rather suspiciously . But Ana was not in a position to answer that . She wasn 't in a position to answer any question for that matter . Last few hours were flashing before her eyes . That doorbell , that touch of her hand on her head when she had bent to touch her feet to ask her blessings . That whithered skin on her face . That beautiful smile , while the ever longing worry for her son . That desire to see her son in her eyes , that merriness and love in her voice when she talked about her son … What was that ? Ana closed the door without answering the uncle 's question . She didn 't bother to lock the door or to turn off the lights or to do anything for that sake , but went to her bed and lay there , her eyes closed . Her heart beating fast and with each beat , she felt that excruciating pain for that lady that couldn 't meet her son for the last time . April 22 , 2017April 22 , 2017 Meet Vekaria # TaradiddleNightmareSpookyStories She saved me ! Again … A real fiction , when someone or something saved me from a mishap … Or that way it seemed . It was a winter night , and the frigidity in the air was making me a little nervous . Winter chills are not just about the cold , but it also about hidden mysteries . I was unaware that one such mystery was already around me . The iciness had also made my bike a little jolty . It seemed to resist against my command of acceleration and defy my want for speed . The engine seemed to give up against the cold resistance and then suddenly used to pump up its efforts to fight . It moved , almost dragged , as if it carried a lot of weight . I loved to ride my bike alone , especially at night . I feel that the road sings at night . There aren 't much vehicles to disturb it . Silence is the most melodious song , it seems . The highway was lifeless and I had to go a long way , half an hour more . So , I started to listen to the music that nature makes itself . Tires , while running naked upon the rough - textured , scurfy road , produced a melodious friction which in turn tuning in with the jumpers made a rumble - like traditional beats . And the air , making its way through and around my helmet , played flute - like soothing tunes inside my ears . The keychain was holding on to the key pierced in to my bike , but danced to the tune of this music , while making music on its own , as if it was dancing with anklets having little bells attached to it . So , I started to sing along the sounds those winds were making . It is hardly audible on the bike when you sing , but that 's the beauty of it . We can actually sing without hearing what we are singing or shouting for that sake . The usual city roads slowly disappeared and the surroundings were stripped of buildings and other man - made structures . Trees started to run along the road and the streetlights died . The cold air got converted into mists and the gelidity was almost intolerable . And the smell in the air turned addictive . I suddenly felt a warm sensation behind my ear , as if a warm breath . Instincts made me turn and see , but it was obvious - there was nothing behind me . This long tiring cold ride was giving out such false sensations to me , I consoled myself . Further down the road , I felt that sudden warm air behind my neck again . And then again . And again . It continued in a pattern , and would repeat every seven - eight breaths of my own . It wasn 't normal . I had looked behind several times and was constantly looking out for something , a pest or an insect or a thing stuck on my neck maybe . But my hands returned all empty , everytime . I started ignoring it . At least , I wanted to . Probably man had messed up the environment so bad that it changed every few meters , I thought . The cold air dropped and the road stopped singing . There was no sound at all on the way . No windage , no buzzing sound and no resistance blowing my hair , nothing . As if I had walked right into a vacuum ! Suddenly , I saw a pothole in my way , I shifted my weight and expected my bike to move around it . But another weight shift happened and I went right through the pothole . The bump gave a painful ache in my back . I would usually swear in such situations . But this the other weight shift had scared me . It wasn 't me that was for sure . But who it was ? My bike ride wasn 't pleasant anymore . I was constantly looking for something - infront of me , around me , behind me … The drag in the bike was noticeable . And the weird fall in the windage - this all was making me uncomfortable , if not dreadfully scared . There was a weird smell in the air , and it wasn 't of dew filled grass or soil . Although , the shiver was probably more relatable to the cold , my mind mixed it up with pall and panic . My cautious ( read terrified ) self was almost at the brink of losing self - control and crying out loud . A warm hand moved around my waist and grabbed me tightly . It was pulling me back from my abdomen area and I instantly applied brakes . My bike came to a stop , almost skidding and the back wheel lifted up for a second before falling back with a bang . As soon as I stopped , the sensation went away and everything was normal again . But I wasn 't normal at all now . My eyes were wide open and I was unable to move at all . Just a few seconds , and my expression turned from being beaming to dreaded , more of being dead . Hesitant at even moving the mirror , I gradually saw through it . From the rearview , I saw the empty road behind me . Gathering a little more courage , I moved the mirror and the area around my vicinity came into view . A little further , and the fabric of my shirt was just visible . With a deep breath , I moved it a little further and there … There it was , my back and nothing else . Nothing as I had expected . Empty backseat . A loud noise came ahead of me . I turned and saw that a tree had just uprooted a few meters ahead of me . It had fallen on the road and its branches had covered almost whole part of the road . Its big trunk was covering the left lane , the lane which I was on . Had it been that I was driving , the tree would 've fallen right on me . I jump - started my bike , as I was willing to just rush away from that scene . After crossing the tree , the engine again gave up and stopped in the middle of the road . I tried starting it several times , but it just wouldn 't start . As soon as I did that , I felt the weight shift on my bike , and suddenly , the bike was much lighter than before . The weight shift felt as if someone just got down from my bike … But how is that even possible ! My mind was getting dizzy with these events and I wanted to get to bed as soon as it was possible . So I started the bike ( which started without any problem now ) , and drove as fast as I could ( the lag in the engine was gone too ) . When I got home , all the events kept flashing in my mind , and I couldn 't sleep for the whole night … I can still remember that warm sensation around my stomach and that weight shift on my bike . Was it her , who had saved me the previous time ? Did she just save me , again ? Soon I got bored of sleeping , I woke up and took a bath , dressed up and prepared my breakfast . I switched on the TV as that was what I was gonna do for the whole day . I put a random channel with some movie going on and sat infront of the screen . While doing that , I saw a notification of a new profile update by her . I quickly opened that notification and stared at her beautiful face for quite a while . She wore a baby pink tee with khakhi shorts and matching star shaped earnings . Her eyes were round and teasing as always . She made a mouse face like a child and all I felt was pain … I completed writing down another story for my blog . It was almost evening and time for exercise . I started doing it as hard as I could , trying to give me more and more difficulty . Now - a - days I enjoyed watching myself in pain . A day without some trouble wouldn 't count as a day for me at all . And when in some trouble , I would let me suffer to my heart 's content before coming out of it . After my workout , I walked out in the balcony to watch kids playing . Watching them play was comforting for me in these otherwise ho - hum days . I missed playing table tennis with her . We had played only once when we met after two years of our friendship on her birthday in her town . That day is engrossed in my mind eternally . The screensaver started on my laptop which brought me back to this world . I was lost thinking about the time we were together . I saw our photos of the trip to Manali . It was ecstatic watching our pics . We were so great together . But then , not all can maintain the balance in a relationship . And I was poor in that . One thing led to other and other thing led to another . We were fighting over petty issues . And she brooded at me for several days . I being of that nature never realized that she was sulky due to that incident . I had forgotten that fight the next morning I woke up , but she was very hurt . Soon her behavior changed . Her emotions for me were wearing off . She was moving away from me while I was still trying to identify the issue that led to this time in our relationship . All things aside , but she couldn 't heal off the holes left in her heart by my thorns , my actions . She was a girl who understood me more than myself . And she knew that I wouldn 't be able to understand what she felt or why she is changing . And so she moved , slowly , away from me . She knew that this would scar us both , but she did it for her happiness . She would have always felt graveled with my behavior and attitude towards life . And she left , without breaking me into pieces , without tearing me apart … But without her , what was I , a scrambled soul . Even today we talk and share a laugh or two . But times have changed . It is not the same as before and it won 't ever be . She took a turn in her life and moved on to be happy . While I 'm standing on that turn , thinking about where to go , as without her there 's no journey left in my life . My phone rang and my friends were meeting up for a late night party and booze . I got ready and walked in the party with a big smile on my face . My friends cheered me welcome as being the most beaming person of the group . At night , I try not to remember her . For if I let it be , I wouldn 't want to wake up from my dreams . I will see those dreams when I finally lie on my last bed . It was half - past twelve , mid - night . By this time , the helper staff would have left the building and security personnel would have slept in their cabins . And Riya knew about this . She forgot to look at the clock in making the presentation more appealing . After all , it was her first big prospective order from a reputed client and she had to give her best . She left the building after closing her office , rather reluctantly . She never liked to lock this building as she had grown a special attachment to this place . It was from here that she had started her own business , that was all hers - no dependence on anyone . But her business was growing and so was the need for a bigger office . Riya wasn 't afraid of this road , the darkness . She had walked on this street for all her life . She took the second exit from the first crossway . It was very easy to find a cab on that street , had it been a normal office leaving time . At this time , the street looked more deserted than the desert . She went on walking while trying different apps to find a cab . But she couldn 't find anyone operating in that area at that time . And she could call for cab only if the cab is operating in the nearby vicinity . Technology has its limitations after - all . She was desperately trying to get some service online when a gang of vagabonds appeared out of nowhere on the next carrefour . It seemed through their behavior that they were probably drunk . And it still wasn 't very safe for a lone girl pass by a group of men in this country . The cab stopped ahead of her and the driver looked directly at her without saying anything . She looked at him , saw the green light saying ' Available ' , was about to hop in the car , when thoughts started pouring in her mind again . Riya found it hard even to trust the cabbie . The cab blew a squeaky horn that got her attention . She stopped again , and considered taking the cab . She saw those drunk strangers up ahead the crossway and found somehow more safer to go with a single stranger instead of a bunch of ' em . She sat inside the cab and told him her destination . The cab driver started driving without a word . He didn 't even look back at her . However , Riya was constantly looking directly at him and then at the navigation in her cellphone . She kept an eye out for any wrong turn the cab might take . He wore a normal sweatshirt and rugged pants with a not - matching cabbie hat . His dashboard was unacceptably clean for a taxi . And there was a small family picture pasted on the only empty space on the dashboard . The backdrop looked ancient , and the driver was weirdly young comparing his picture and his current face , Riya thought . The cab had a distinguishing smell , as if the upholstery was polished recently . The dashboard design was also very old compared to the cab nowadays . " How come you don 't show up in the taxi app ? I tried searching for cabs , but there weren 't any on the app . " Riya 's suspicion was still on . " I haven 't connected my services with those apps . I still believe in the old ways . Streets were more safer back then . " driver replied without looking at her . Riya looked at the antiquated taximeter , which was working surprisingly . She was comfortable to be sitting in an unregistered cab . But , she hadn 't enough options . She didn 't ask any further questions to the cabbie , and hoped to reach some active street , if not crowded at this hour . " Don 't worry madam . You 're safe now . Those drunk people , or anyone for that sake , won 't be a problem to you anymore . " Cabbie said . After a while , when she woke up , the engine sound was off . The car had stopped . She abruptly got up to see where she was . But then calmed down to see the familiar neighbourhood . She had reached her destination . She turned to talk to the driver but stopped when she saw the driver was sitting without any movement or any motion whatsoever . She saw the meter for the fare and shuffled through her purse to get the money out . She dropped the amount in driver 's box without looking at the driver , where something caught her eye . The box was almost empty , but had a few old , outdated currency in it . That currency wasn 't in circulation since years . His face was deadened and a large , slant cut on his face that ran through his eyes agitated Riya . She stopped ajar at the sight of him , but she didn 't ask anything to him . She just smiled and hurriedly left the car . On her way out , she saw the rear - view mirror just for an instance but she couldn 't see the driver . She panicked and ran a few steps . But then , she must have seen from a different angle , the driver must have shifted while she saw that mirror , or she might have just imagined that in her mind . She just wanted to take another look at that scarred face , to see that vintage cab again and feel that smell of new polish , she wanted to ask the cabbie how he got that scar , she wanted to take another look inside that mirror … she wanted to thank him from dropping her at the right place . The car had turned from a vintage car to a scrap , and was broken into trash as if a truck had hit it . The windows were broken and sparks were flaring up the car . There was once a moment that she could see the driver burning inside the cab . The driver 's head turned back in his seat and saw directly towards Riya through the rear window . Just a blink and everything in front of her disappeared . As if the car was never there , the cabbie was her imagination and all these events were just pen downed by some horror - stricken writer ; the street ahead of Riya was as clean and as empty as ever . The night was calm and silent again . In the last days of winters , the man woke up to hear a rumbling sound in the balcony . It was the pigeon flapping its wings for some reason . It flew away into darkness as soon as the man opened the door to the balcony . Tumbling , toppling , it managed to find its way to the nearby balcony , but never let go its gaze off the man 's balcony . Then he ignored it and went away to sleep . As soon as the man went back to sleep , the pigeon came back to the balcony and made sounds . This time the man let it be like that , probably he felt that the pigeon too should get a good night sleep . After a few days , the man returned to his balcony . The pigeon sitting there flew away instantly , and sat on the opposite balcony . The man loved to see the sunset , and so he saw … The sun was about to sink into the ground , but the clouds of impurity released from the chimney of a thermal station had already started corroding sunlight . The sun slowly gave up its fight against that smoke and sank into the path from which smoke came out . The chimney finally ate out the sun … The man watched the sunset thinking thousands of things in his life , when he came to know that the pigeon was still watching him constantly without moving anywhere . He found it weird that the pigeon had so much interest . After watching around the balcony , he came to know that the pigeon had laid an egg in one corner of the balcony , and was worriedly watching over for that egg . But one day , the constant crowing of a crow woke up the man . He went outside to see what was wrong with that crow . The crow was sitting on the opposite balcony , with his eyes on the man 's balcony . And the pigeon couple was constantly flying in his balcony and going away . The man understood that the crow meant to harm the egg and the pigeon couple was trying to save their kid . The man helped the pigeon to shoo away that crow after a few tries of throwing different twigs and stones at the crow . But the man feared that the crow would return again . So , he brought an old pot from his house and kept it in the balcony . He wanted to put the egg inside it , but worried that the pigeons might think otherwise . The pigeons , naturally , feared the man that he might capture them or harm their egg . But they also knew that the man had once ignored the egg and so probably , the crow was their bigger enemy . Turn by turn , they started guarding for the egg , thereby , one pigeon would always stay for the protection of the egg . But , as the crow was more powerful that the pigeons , they had to find some other alternative . But after a few days , mother pigeon took courageous step by jumping into the pot . She managed to jump in after several failed attempts , and as soon as she jumped , the whole pot wobbled due to the round bottom of the pot . The pigeon grabbed on to the floor till the pot was stable . Then it tried coming out of the pot . With several attempts again , it managed to make that perfect jump to directly come out of the pot . The movement of the pot and the sound of wobbling woke up the man at night . He knew that the pigeons have finally understood his intention and was happy for that . Next morning , he opened the balcony door to see what the pigeons did for all those days . The pot had moved its place from one edge to the other in the balcony , probably due to constant moving and wobbling with its round bottom surface . When the man saw inside the pot , it was filled one - forth with twigs and sticks , the worst designed bird nest he had seen so far . Suddenly , the pigeon inside the pot came to know about the man watching and it made a jump to come out of the pot , hastily . Its hurried attempts were more prone to failure than its earlier attempts . So , it failed to come out of the pot and stayed in there , scared , afraid of the man . The man smiled at his attempts and quietly went back inside the house , closing the door softly . This continued for a few days . Soon , the pigeon understood that the man meant no harm and so it didn 't attempt running away as soon as the man opened the balcony door . However , it constantly would see through the pot mouth towards the man and his movements . Fear of humans for animals is not so easily curable , after all the things that we do to them . The egg soon started to show signs of nearby hatch - time . And the pigeon too , started being more and more concerned for the egg when the man came out into the balcony . It would now cover the egg completely and look at the man until the door is closed fully , even during nights . After a few days , the man heard quiver movements of the pot and heard a shriek like sound of an animal . He came out of in the balcony to see the pot and saw that there was a tiny little head of a baby pigeon coming out of the egg . The mother or father pigeons were not around . The man watched the baby push its legs out of the egg and falling on the nest ground . It didn 't look anything like a pigeon . It was dark , brown - black in color and was so tiny that it didn 't even look like a bird . It made a cry like sound that the man had never heard a pigeon make . Was that egg of some other bird , the man thought . The mother pigeon and father pigeon came flying to the balcony . Mother pigeon went directly inside the pot , even with the man standing out in the balcony . And the father pigeon waited outside , standing on the railings , watching the man 's movements . After a few days , again the baby pigeon was alone in the pot . It crying sounds that made the man very uncomfortable . What was with that kid , he thought . He went outside and saw that baby pigeon . It made no movements as he saw the man looking at it . The man observed it for sometime and then went back . The pigeon started crying again . The man came back with some broken pieces of food , crushed it and put it into the pot . But the bird took no notice of that . It kept looking at the man , fear in its eyes . The man left the kid alone and after a few days , when he again saw inside the pot . The mother pigeon was sitting with the baby pigeon , and those bits and pieces of food that he had put inside were as they were . Not even one piece was eaten by them . Don 't trust anything human , pigeon eyes said . One fine morning , the man came out to see the pot again . The baby pigeon was sitting inside quietly and the mother and father pigeon were not there . Probably to bring him some food , he thought . He went back inside . After a few hours , he heard rumbling of the pot , as if the pigeon was moving in and out of it hurriedly . He went out to see that the baby pigeon was out of the pot . He got scared and tried persuading the baby bird to go back inside the pot . It wasn 't safe for him to go out on its own , he couldn 't even fly properly . The man tried going towards picking him up , but that made the bird fear and jump away from him . The bird jumped to . E edge of the balcony and this scared the man . If the baby fell off the balcony he wouldn 't even be able to fly . Seeing that , the man quickly went inside the house and peeked through the small space . The baby pigeon climbed on the top of the pot , but wasn 't quite sure as to how to jump into the pot . He had not tried it once and there was no one to teach him . The man wished that the parent pigeons come back soon as the kid would only listen to them . The man closed the door and waited for the parent pigeons to come . His heart still wanted to help the kid , but his brain knew that the baby bird will get afraid of him and won 't accept his help . He felt sad that the image of humans was so scary for these animals . After some time , the baby pigeon stopped squeaking , and there was a rumbling sound of the pot . Finally the parents pigeon were back and they would help the baby bird back into the pot , thought the man . After a while . when all sounds stopped , he went out to look inside the pot . There was nothing in the pot , just the empty nest . The baby bird was not in the balcony . Only two - three small feathers of baby bird were lying in one corner . The man saw around in the precincts for some sign , but there was no one there . No baby pigeon and no parent pigeons . Could the baby bird have flown away ? But how could he have ! He was so little ! A crow came flying on the opposite balcony . He landed on his legs over the railing and the man saw some feathers fly out of his legs , which were not his own black feathers . They were brownish blue feathers . Mother pigeon came flying and sat on the railing of the man 's balcony . It made some sounds , then looking at the man , it jumped on the top of the pot and saw inside . Waited for some time , then saw at the man again . And then flew away . I was very excited that day . I had never been to a Human Shop before . My friends told me that it 's a paradise for shopping for human products . You can find all the articles ans artifacts made from or relating to humans . At the entrance , there was a huge statue of human . He looked so cute , and even more delicious ! I wondered how others can be vegetarian ! I felt the hunger as soon as I saw this little fellow … The place was filled with animals of all kinds . From carnivores to herbivores , from four legged to two legged , from land animals to birds … It was a carnival at that place . My eyes instantly went to the apparels store . I couldn 't stop myself from rolling my paws over the smooth human skinned jacket . The smell of the skin was so overwhelming . I grabbed the jacket and went to the trial room . And as soon as I put it on , it felt a part of my body . I couldn 't let it go away from myself . While the cook inside was testing my patience , I looked around to see what was happening . All sorts of animals were having a fun time . I saw kids playing with their human hand toy , beating each other . While two adults were discussing business in a corner . And next to me a young dog couple was tasting each other 's parts . The doors of the kitchen opened and I headed the cries of those humans while the cook was trying to get the hold of it to chop his head off . Poor thing I felt , but tasty my stomach said … After all , what good use are they otherwise ! My order finally arrived and I ate each piece of human with utmost delight . That taste of its roasted skin , that crunch of its deep fried pieces and those delicious finger - rolls … With chili sauce ! Yummm ! There were cute ones , new - born ones , athlete ones and simple homely types . I observed each one of them . It is said that you can 't just choose your pet , your pet should choose you too . It happened with me . A new born one looked at me and I looked at it . It was so cute and so innocent . I instructed the shopkeeper to open the cage and let me try my luck with this little human . When I took it in my hand , it cuddled me so innocently . I felt like it was telling me to take him away from this cage . I purchased my first pet … As I was going out , I saw a huge and scary human . It was uttering something in anger . I asked the shopkeeper why was it so weird . The shopkeeper replied that it was a blood - hound type . It was used as a security helper . Usually by police , they were very good at protective instincts . Next I went to the furniture shop . My dad had asked me to buy some good human heads to hang on the walls of our office . It brings good luck they said . Here , at The Human Shop , the Zoo was way different than the normal Zoo outside . It was a museum cum exhibition cum sanctuary of different kinds of humans . All races , all types of humans were collected from different parts of the world and showcased here . There were few live human cages where we could see humans live and survive . The way humans communicated with each other was so weird . I couldn 't understand anything . But there are animals who study in this subject and they have researched that humans have highly developed communication techniques amongst other animals . Interesting , ain 't it ? ! I called a human cart . I instructed the handler to ride me to my destination . He whip - splashed the human hard enough that it jumped and started running at one instant . I personally hated the way these human were treated and beaten up for carting . But we didn 't have any other faster transportation . Sometimes , we animals treat these humans in ways so in - animal . But what can be done . . ! After all , they were supposed to help us animals … On my way home , I thought about how humans were exploited by us animals . I thought of so many ways in which the conditions could be made better . But this is what we all do , isn 't it ? We just speak about it and do nothing … I paid the cart handler and stroke the human on its back . It had tears in his eyes … Probably some day , things will turn out better for these human beings . The constant brushing of the curtains over her face was annoying her . The whisking of wind from a tiny creak in the window was to be blamed ; along with the poor locking system which let window to slide open with inertia of bus movements . It was an overnight journey and she had to have a sound sleep , for the next day was gonna be hectic , she knew it . Initially , she had woken up frequently to fold those curtains up or to shut that window tight , but then she just let it be . It was better that way that she stopped bothering about that . It almost felt as if the wind had stopped gusting through the gap ; as if the bus had stopped and she was at peace … Wait , why was it feeling like the bus had stopped ? The bus was , indeed , at rest . She peaked out through the half open window . There was darkness ahead as far as she could see . She let out her head from the window a little further to see behind the bus and ahead . The roadside was covered with dark , huge trees and the road had no lamps or streetlights . There must be some problem ahead at the road and she had expected there to be a long line of vehicles standing on the road resulting in a jam . But , no . The road was empty and only her bus stood there . She immediately opened her compartment to talk to other fellow passengers , but to her bewilderment , there was no one else in the bus . All the sitting seats were empty , and the other sleeping compartment doors were open . There was no movement or sound inside the bus . She looked towards the driver compartment , where she could not see any movement either . She stepped down from her compartment and moved towards the exit . On her way , she saw that all the compartments were normal , showed no sign of hurried evacuation . Personal effects and baggage were kept as is as they were supposedly kept by the owner . She stepped down from the bus . She could see a few meters ahead on the road due to the bus headlights pointing ahead . It was pitch dark all around except that . She moved around the bus for some clues . She even called out in the open for someone to come , but all she got back was her echo . She couldn 't find anything around the bus which could explain the stoppage of bus in the middle of nowhere and the disappearance of other passengers and crew . She continued walking away from the bus with anticipation to find some help . She kept on looking back at the bus . She didn 't want to go farther than the point where bus tail lights would not be visible . She thought of informing her family and friends about the situation . She got out the phone , turned it on and checked for reception . However , there was no network . Even the emergency numbers did not work . She couldn 't connect to the operator or anyone for that sake , and her phone was useless at that point with respect to communication . She was startled by that sound . It was the sound of the horn of the bus . She turned back to see the bus . It stood there without any motion . She waited for some time looking at the bus . Was that horn real or just her imagination ? If it was real , who was that ? She started moving towards the bus , but then slowed her pace as she approached the bus . Still there was no sign of movement around the bus . And who could have blown that horn ! She climbed up the bus and checked all the compartments , and all the seats . There was no one . She moved outside the bus again , and moved around the bus to see who it was , while screaming out loud " Who 's there ? " . Exhausted with fright , she moved back inside the bus , went towards her compartment . But then she suddenly realized that the key to start the bus was there in the jack . She ran towards the driver 's seat , saw that the key was still there . She managed to get on the driver seat . She saw the surroundings of the bus through the side mirrors . There was no sign of anyone . She took a deep breath and turned the key to start the ignition . The engine made a few desperate sounds of starting and then stopped . She tried again , and again , but the engine didn 't start . She hit on the driving wheel hard with her hands and put her head on the wheel . She started crying . After a while , she gathered hope again and decided to try one more time . She pulled herself upright again and moved her hand towards the key , when suddenly the lights of the bus , those which were on , went out with a snap . It was complete darkness now . She couldn 't see anything . She tried her luck with the key , but it did not work . Probably the power was out . She started crying again while desperately trying to turn the lights on by switching random switches on and off on the dashboard . But nothing worked . She slowly got up from the driver 's seat and turned on the phone 's flashlight . She could see a few metres ahead , but not so much . Sobbing , and frightened at the same time , she moved towards her compartment , taking each step carefully , looking around her while moving her flashlight in different directions . She raised her hand to see if the thing was there still . She couldn 't feel anything . So she tried hitting hard infront of her with her fist , thinking to hit the thing hard on its chest , but her hand hit only the air . There was nothing in front of her . She yelled in horror and struggled to get up from the floor . While she was scrambling on the floor , she felt that something touched her stomach on the floor . Probably an insect , she quickly crawled ahead in alarm . But it wasn 't any insect . Something grabbed her feet and pulled her back . She turned over to see what it was , when suddenly a hand - like thing came out of the floor and grabbed her by her waist . She struggled to move out of it , but the thorns - like things in the hand - like thing pierced her and gave her terrible pain . She pulled hard to get out of that thing , but the pointy things were stuck in her T - shirt . She torn apart her T - shirt and came out of that thing . She had gotten hurt at several places on her chest and blood had started rushing out of those wounds . She felt terrible pain at those wounds , but ignoring that she ran towards the bus exit . She slipped on the steps at the exit door and fell on the steps and hit her head on assisting poles near the steps . She gathered herself on the floor , while gasping difficult breaths , she pulled herself up using the poles and turned towards the door . But the door was closed . She tried pushing the door and hit it with her hands several times , but it just won 't bulge . She felt miserable . With blood rushing out of the wounds on her bare chest and with new cuts and bruises on her bare thighs , she had a hard time staying up on her legs . She shouted at that thing to show itself and asked her in desparation as to what it wants from her and why is it hurting her . Nothing happened . No reply came from the darkness inside the bus . She started crying again and asked the same questions to darkness . She decided to break the glass and move out of this damn bus . She looked around for some object to use to break the plastic glass . Just then , she felt a strong sensation of heat over various parts of her body - her legs , her shoulder and her waist . She couldn 't move at all , as if something was having a tight grip upon her . The plastic glass in front of her started cracking . It started bulging and came out of the hooks of the frame . And then it turned into a shape of a cone , with the pointed thing pointing towards her . She shouted with all her might , whatever was left of it , for help . But that wasn 't gonna help her much . The pointed cone glass moved towards her fast and went straight into her stomach … She woke up clenching her chest and yelling . She was panting and sweating while in her compartment . She pulled her T - shirt upside to see if there were any cuts on her front . But there was no sign of any injury . She quickly glanced outside the bus window . The bus was moving . Relieved that it was just a dream , she cleared perspiration off her face and drank some water . She was still traumatized due to the disgusting dream and felt as if the pain was real . This time , the wind , the moving curtain or the smell inside the compartment didn 't bother her . She went back to sleep while praying to God . |
Dreams had been a problem for a long time . He had been shocked waking up after a peaceful night at Michael 's place , but had known his luck would not last long . He just felt relieved that his twisting and wrestling , and his final crash out of the bed , had not woken Lucy up . He looked up at her from where he woke on the floor , and saw her shift and murmur in her sleep , but that was it . Thank God . He could still feel the scream , caught at the back of his throat , and he had to cough twice to shake it away . He dropped his head into his hands for a few moments , and listened to his heart thumping wildly in his chest . He imagined his blood racing through his veins , waiting for the signal to calm back down . The dreams varied in their make - up . Some were horrible , filled with images of blood and terror , some were non - descript , and nothing really happened ; yet they still emanated a dark creeping kind of fear . He would wake up sweating and gasping if he was lucky . Most nights he was woken up by the sound of his own screams . He rubbed his eyes . He thought of the dreams as penance . As punishment . He had told various doctors and therapists over the years about the dreams . He had explained how violent they were , how terrifying , and how life like . They seemed to think it was okay . That he would work through them in his own time . He thought of them as his inside scars . Danny glanced at the window . The face from the dream was still there in his mind , stretched in rage , the eyeballs bulging , saliva looping from the top teeth to the bottom . He remembered running . Running , running so fast it felt like his lungs might explode , and still , it was not fast enough , or far enough . The face was behind him , it was whooshing up upon him , and when he looked back over his shoulder at it he was reminded of that scene from ' The Shining ' , where Jack Nicholson 's crazed face appears through the smashed in door . Sometimes he knew he had looked into that face and been convinced that none of it was real , that he was not a real person at all , but Like the bookcase , mostly full of teaching books and textbooks . He still couldn 't really picture her as a teacher . The thought made him want to giggle . He imagined she was brilliant at it though , a natural . He looked at her now , deep in sleep next to Kurt , who had managed to wriggle right under the duvet , with just his tail poking out . Danny sighed deeply , and allowed himself to feel and embrace the hope that careered through him whenever he was with her . It had always been that way , he thought . Life was shit , he felt shit , but then he would find her , and it was like she made the sun come out again , made him feel lighter , not so held down or bound up . He recalled many nights curled up with her , just like last night , not speaking , just breathing together , just holding on , and every breath he took with her was like being given permission to live . He looked at her now and thought , I don 't deserve you . He went through to the kitchen and put the kettle on . He intended on making her breakfast in bed . He felt good , he realised . Not so churned up , not so fearful . He did not allow himself to think about yesterday , and the cemetery . There would be a time later to dissect it with Michael , and he would tell Lucy when things had settled down . He repeated the mantra he had sold to himself , over and over again in his mind , as he busied around the kitchen ; one day at a time , one day at a time . Lucy set her laptop up for him after they had eaten breakfast . She set it up on the kitchen table , while he washed up at the sink , and every time he looked at her she was smiling , half laughing , and he was the same . " Like an old married couple , " he said eventually , wishing it were true . " Look at this , " she said to him , drinking from the second cup of coffee he had made for her . He dried his hands and came around to the table to see . " This is my Friends Reunited account , " she said , pointing to the screen . Danny leaned closer . " So people contact you through this ? " he asked , and she nodded and ran her finger down a list of names , with accompanying photos on the left hand side . " Zoë ? " Danny exclaimed with a laugh . He had not thought about her in years , but at one time she had been permanently joined to Michael 's side . " Wow , Zoë . What 's she up to these days then ? " " Look , " Lucy clicked on her photo and brought up her information for Danny to see . " She 's got three kids and another one on the way , " she said and glanced up at him . He shook his head , his hand going to his mouth in amazement . It was a joke , but Lucy made a face at him . " I wouldn 't put it past him , would you ? But no , I don 't think so . She got married really young , like twenty or something . I was chief bridesmaid , no less ! " Danny blew his breath out and shook his head again . He for one could not ever imagine going back to Redchurch , not for any reason . Belfield Park was grimy and grotty , nothing much had changed there , but it was the place they had ran to , it was the place they had at least been safe for a while . " Do you see her much ? " he asked Lucy , and she shrugged in reply . " Not really , not socially . I mean I see her at school , because some of her kids go there , but I 've never taught any of them . We chat on here a bit . Stay in touch , you know ? You can set up an e - mail account on my computer if you like ? " She looked up at him enquiringly , and he pushed his hands into his pockets . " Any time , " he replied . " I 've got the address . It 's about half an hour away from Redchurch , Milford something ? Down by the sea . " " Yeah , " Danny nodded . His mother had in fact been his most frequent visitor over the last eight years , though he did not feel comfortable telling Lucy this . " She had to drop the price quite a bit to sell it . " " I know . " He turned away then , went back to the sink and picked up the tea towel to finish drying the breakfast things . He had his back to Lucy , waited for her to say more , but she didn 't . She had never forgiven his mother , like Michael . It was a hatred she seemed determined to hold onto . He sighed to himself and thought I guess everyone needs someone to blame , and Lucy blames her . They were silent for a while . Danny finished drying the dishes and tried to put them away , but he didn 't know where anything went , so Lucy ended up closing down the laptop and getting up to show him . She seemed preoccupied , he thought , watching her move around the room . " Listen , " he said finally , catching her by the shoulder and stopping her . " Last night was amazing . Christ , how cheesy does that sound ? " He laughed at himself and went on . " But I don 't want you to feel like you owe me anything , because you don 't , or like you have to tread on eggshells around me . You know ? " She frowned at him slightly , but nodded . " You can say anything , " he told her . " You can ask me anything . I won 't mind . Okay ? " " Okay , " she smiled , and stepped forward , slipping her arms around his middle . " It 's okay . I 'll drive you to your mums . I 'll wait outside though . " " I am single , " she blurted out suddenly , and then instantly covered her mouth with her hands . He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes at him . " I don 't know why I said that . " " I don 't think you 're an idiot . I reckon you 've had no end of fella 's following you about . You didn 't have to wait for me or anything , you know that don 't you ? " " Course , stupid . Listen , we better go . We 'll talk more later yeah ? " She fixed him with a mischievous grin , and pulled away to find her bag and keys . Outside the front door , Danny tucked Kurt under his arm and wished he had asked Michael for some cigarettes . Lucy came out behind him , looking up and smiling as a young man came jogging along the pavement towards them . " Hi Carl ! " she called out breezily , and placed one hand on Dannys arm . He looked at Carl , who slowed down and stopped in front of the building , hands on knees as he caught his breath . He looked up at them both , and Danny half expected a hello , or a smile , or a question , but what he received instead was an extremely embarrassed expression , as the man pointed to the front door they had just pulled shut behind them . " Um … " he said , grimacing and looking like he wanted the ground to open up and pull him in . Danny and Lucy followed his pointing finger , and immediately they both gasped in dismay . Someone had used black spray paint across Lucy 's red front door . The word killer scrawled out in huge , drooping letters . The word echoed in his head during the drive over to Milford - on - sea . Lucy made small talk with him , and kept the radio down low . She told him about her class at school , and the funny things the children said and did . He could barely concentrate on a word she was saying . He nodded and looked her way every now and again , but it was useless . Killer . All over her fucking door . He felt sick in his stomach , sick and heavy with guilt . " Who would do that ? " he asked eventually , his voice strangled . She turned the radio down a bit more , looked at him briefly and shook her head and shrugged her shoulders . Danny thought of the old man then , the old man in the cemetery , but it did not bear thinking about , none of it did . He could not bring himself to mention it to her . Not yet . This was all too much to deal with . It was not fair on her , he thought . Her fucking front door ! Who would do that ? Who would know ? Again , he saw the image of the old man 's burning eyes in his head , and he looked out of the window , biting his lip , feeling the strong urge to whack his own head against the window , just to get rid of the man 's face . " People are idiots , " Lucy was saying , trying to calm him , he knew . " It 's probably just kids , you know ? Stupid idiot kids . " " You need to put it out of your head , " Lucy said then , with a sigh . " I mean it . I know that 's easier said than done , but you 've got your mum and John to deal with now , and then meeting with Billy later . It must all be so much , anyway . Try not to think about it for now . " " Just kids , " Lucy said again , and he could hear in her voice that it had shocked and confused her . Her eyes were darting around , concentrating more than she needed to on the driving , and she kept swallowing nervously . " Just stupid kids . Word must have got out somehow . I 've told people . I should have kept quiet , but you know , I 'm not ashamed of you being here , and I 'm not ashamed of why you were in prison . I 've never hid it from anyone . " She smiled bravely at him . " So it 's probably my fault , " she concluded . " I should have kept my big mouth shut . Someone has told someone and so on , and some stupid idiots have had a laugh . Tried to wind you up . We have to ignore it Dan . " She looked his way again and nodded firmly . He nodded back , agreeing with her . What else could he do ? His mother had been living in a third floor apartment with a glorious view of the sea , for most of the last eight years . As Lucy had reminded him , she had put her Cedar View house on the market shortly after he was sent to prison for murdering her husband in the kitchen . Seeing her was not going to be as difficult or as emotional as Lucy seemed to envision though . He had seen her once a month without fail for his entire incarceration . She had been his most consistently regular visitor . They had , in his opinion , laid their demons to rest a long time ago . They had peace , a mutual understanding and respect that he knew Lucy would probably never come to terms with , but that was fine . As far as he knew , his mother still lived alone . As far as he knew , she had not seen anyone romantically since her husband 's death . But he didn 't know for sure , and he imagined she would not jump at the chance of telling him if she was with anyone new . Lucy remained in the car , dragging a dog - eared paperback out of the glove compartment and assuring him he could take as long as he needed . She wished him luck before he set off with Kurt at his heels . He looked up at the bright white building she inhabited , and then pulled his coat tighter around his body . It was a cold day , for early September , and the wind whipping up from the beach made him shiver and quicken his step . His mother buzzed him in , and he took the stairs rather than the lift , hopping up them two at a time , with Kurt now tucked back up under his arm . His mother met him on the landing , with the door to her flat held open . She smiled an enormous , invigorating smile . Such a smile he had not seen on her face in a long , long time . During her visits to him inside , she had worn the same dark and pained expression , time and time again . She had always been a slim woman , but the last eight years had seen her shrink to something close to skeletal . She still wore her blonde hair long and wavy , and she still dressed well . Today she was wearing slim fit blue jeans and a navy blue tunic with three quarter length sleeves . He smiled back at her and thought that even in her late forties she was still very beautiful . When he put his arms around her , he felt the fragility of her body and was afraid that he might break her . She had no such qualms about him though , practically leaping at him and gripping his head with both hands , pulling his face down for a kiss . Then she closed her eyes and buried her head in his chest , and they stood there like that , for what seemed like an age . " My son , " she said , squeezing him tight . " My son . You don 't know what this day means to me . I so wish I could have come to meet you . " She looked up at him then , stepped back and viewed him with shining wet eyes . " But I understand why you wanted your friends , " she said , as an apology , and he sighed slightly and peered past her into the flat . He wondered if there would ever come a day when she would not feel the need to turn everything into an apology . " Oh . " Kay nodded , and then smiled politely , before gesturing him into the flat , which was warm and smelled of lavender . He went in and dropped Kurt to the floor . His mother closed the door and helped take his coat . " Of course , " she said , of Lucy . " I understand that . That 's fine . Would you like tea or coffee ? If you have time ? " She smiled a gracious smile and shook her head as she slipped past him into the kitchen . " No , not yet . He won 't want to speak to me , you understand . " He followed her into the kitchen , which was square , with a huge window that looked out at the sea . It was painted white , and had a small round table in the centre . A wind chime made of shells hung from the great window . There were fresh flowers in a blue and white striped jug on the table . She got two mugs down from a cupboard and switched on the kettle . " So tell me , how 's it been so far ? " she glanced at him with a wide smile that touched her eyes . " It must feel so strange ! So unreal ! " " Oh yeah . It 's great . It 's been great . Weird , but great . " " Look , go and sit in the lounge , it 's far more comfortable . I know I haven 't got you for long , but we can have a quick cup of tea , and I have two presents for you . " Danny did as she wanted and went back into the lounge , which sported sliding doors that led out onto a small balcony . He could see a little bistro style table set out there , and one chair . It certainly did not look like she entertained much company , he thought , looking around the lounge . There were no signs , no men 's coats or shoes , or slippers lurking around anywhere . He remembered a time when men had followed her , when every conversation with a strange man had evolved into flirting and proposals . Men had wanted her , he remembered , had wanted to own and possess her . He took a seat in an armchair next to the sliding doors and she reappeared with two wrapped presents , which she placed on his lap , before hurrying back into the kitchen for the tea . Danny looked down at the gifts . One was a square shaped box , and the other a flat package , possibly an envelope . He bit his lip on the inside and wished that she hadn 't . He blinked away a vivid memory that shot into his head , an image of him on his fourteenth birthday , sat on his bed opening the presents that she pushed upon him so excitedly . A new Nirvana t - shirt , he recalled . It had made him smile . Then his mother had gasped at the bruises to his stomach when he tugged off the one he was wearing , to try it on . Play fighting , he had told her . She had believed him . He looked at the gifts she presented him with now , and a spiteful part of him felt like knocking them to the floor and telling her not to bother . She came back with the tea and a plate of biscuits and set them all down on a small table between them . She took the other chair ; almost disappearing into it , so small and bird - like she was these days . She perched , and picked up her tea and held it delicately in her hands , grinning at the gifts he held . " Go on , " she said . " We haven 't got long , have we ? We can 't leave Lucy out there on her own too long and John will be here soon . Open them ! " " You 'll need it ! " she seemed to delight in telling him . " Everyone has them these days you know ! You can 't live without them . " I 've managed the last eight years , he thought , but did not say . He smiled and turned the box over in his hands . " Thanks . I won 't have a clue how to use it though . " " Oh Lucy will show you ! " his mother laughed , waving a hand at him and setting her tea back down again . " Before you know it , you 'll be addicted to it like the rest of us ! Plus , I can get in contact with you . I 've put my number in there already for you . They are great really , Danny . We 'll be able to stay in touch so much better with this . " " Now the next one ! " she urged , and actually pulled her knees up slightly , rocking back in the chair gleefully . He wondered distantly if she was all right . He pulled off the paper and found an envelope addressed to him . He looked up at her and she nodded at him insistently . " Open it love . Open it . " He tugged it open and inside he found a bank statement , a chequebook and what seemed to be a debit card with a pin number . He held them lightly in his hands , not understanding , but she nodded at him , smiling . " All yours , " she informed him . " Well I 've been looking after it for you , all this time . I 've been adding to it . I 've left you some money . So you will be okay . Look ! " She sat forward and thrust a finger energetically at the bank statement . He trained his eyes in on it , ran them down the entries on the right hand side , and landed on the current balance figure at the bottom . His eyes shot wide open . Two hundred thousand pounds . No way . It couldn 't be real . He looked at it again . " It 's all yours , " she said then , and shifted forward , even closer to him . He felt her small hand drop onto his . He looked from her grave expression , her haunted eyes , down onto the paper . He shook his head at all of it . " I can and I have . Don 't you worry , John is sorted out as well . He wouldn 't take as much . Well it took me years to convince him to have any , but you know he has a little girl now ? That kind of changed his mind . Things between us have thawed gradually , since then . " She kept her deep blue eyes on Danny 's . He wanted to look away , but he was held there , and it was horrible , because he could see everything there in her eyes , the awful guilt , the useless regret , all of it , and he knew he could never take it away for her . " But he 'll never forgive me of course , " she went on , her voice now tight and small . " And rightly so . But he has accepted my help finally . He accepted it because it is all I can do to say sorry . It is all I have left to try to make amends . You need this money Danny . " He looked down , shaking his head violently , and felt her hand tighten on top of his . " Look at me , " she said . " Look at me ! " He lifted his eyes ; found it torture to meet hers . " Now , " she said to him . " You listen to me , because I have to say this to you , and then that will be it , because I don 't want to rake up the past , I want us all to move on . I want us all to have decent normal lives . But you need to take this money , son . You have nothing at the moment , and we all know why . You can take this money . Start a business . Buy a house . Whatever you want . I only ask that whatever you do with it makes you happy , because you deserve to be happy Danny . Do you understand ? " She was crying now . Fat diamond shaped tears filled the corner of each eye , before toppling over to spill quickly down her thin cheeks . She was holding his hand so tightly it was beginning to hurt . " No , " Kay said quickly , sitting back , but keeping her hand over his . " No it 's not Danny , it 's mine . Because when he died everything that was his fell to me . My house and my club . My money . " " No ! " she said , this time louder , angrier . " Don 't you say that ! It fell to me . What am I supposed to do with it ? I have everything I need , don 't you see ? I bought this flat , I own it completely . I have a nice little car , and I have a nice little job as receptionist in a doctor 's surgery . I don 't need any more . " " Mum " Danny spoke softly and lifted his eyes to meet hers again . " I understand that . But I don 't think I can take his money . " She stood up then . She seemed furious . She dropped her arms , slapping her hands against her thighs . " Danny ! " she cried in frustration . " Stop saying that , stop saying it 's his money ! It 's mine ! You must take it ! " " Doesn 't feel right , " he shook his head at her . " Danny , for Gods Sake , " she turned on him then , hands going to her hips , head cocked slightly and shaking from side to side as she regarded him , sat stubbornly in the chair . " Don 't you do this , " she warned him . " Don 't you dare do this . " " You know what I mean , " his mother seethed . " The court case . Your bloody guilty plea . You could have got off . You could have got manslaughter , or diminished responsibility , but no . No . You had to go against all the legal advice , and all our begging , and plead pre - meditated murder . " Danny sucked in his breath and released it again slowly , and carefully . He felt the urge to stand up , to square up to her , take her on , but he forced himself to remain seated , hoping that was one way to keep calm . He let her words run through his mind for a moment . He looked at her and saw her blue eyes darken with anger . " That 's because it was the truth , " he told her slowly . " It was pre - meditated murder . I told the truth . " She rolled her eyes and gasped at him . " You may say that , " she told him , nostrils flaring . " But I don 't buy it . I didn 't then , and I don 't now , and you have no idea how frustrating it was to see you put yourself through that , when you didn 't have to ! " " You were half crazy with fear , and anger , and drugs ! " she shouted back at him , coming a step closer , with her hands till planted on her tiny hips . " You didn 't know what you were doing Danny ! And if you still believe that , then you need to go back and look at it all again . You really do . You need to stop being so ridiculously hard on yourself . You did it then , pleading murder when you didn 't have to , and you would have got far less than the ten years they sentenced you to , and now you 're doing it again . Refusing this money , " she nodded at the paper in his hand . " Exactly the same thing . It 's like you are determined to keep suffering . " " No I am not ! " Danny snarled at her . He held onto the bank statement with one hand , and his other hand dug into the armrest . He clung onto it , not wanting to let himself get to his feet . " That 's bullshit , and you don 't know anything ! " " Take the money then , " she challenged him . " Take the money and build a good life for yourself . You don 't think you deserve that ? " " Not really , no ! " He almost laughed at her , dropping his head into his hand and balling the bank statement up into his fist . He let it fall to the floor . She scooped it up instantly and remained crouched down before him . She placed her hands on his knees . " Why do you think ? " he shot back . " I killed someone . I took someone 's life . I don 't really think I should be rewarded for that , do you ? " Kay shook her head slowly , in utter amazement . She licked her lips , and then sat back on her heels , keeping her hands on his knees . " You just spent eight years in jail Danny , " she reminded him . " Tell me , was that a reward ? What about prison ? Was it wonderful ? Was it ? Was it a happy , joyful place ? Was it great , was it ? " " So you were punished , " she told him . " You punished yourself by making that plea . You 've served your sentence now son . It 's over . Why don 't you think you deserve the chance of a decent life ? " Danny rubbed at his eyes with both his hands . " I don 't know , I don 't know all right ? It just seems wrong to take his fucking money ! " " And what about what he did to you ? " she questioned , her tone softer now . He kept his hands over his eyes . He did not want to hear this . He did not want any of those things to come out of her mouth . He was starting to wish he had never come . He wanted more than anything , to just get up and walk out . " What about that ? " she asked him , taking one of his hands and pulling it away from his face . " Do you ever ask yourself that ? What about what he took from you ? Not just eight years in jail Danny , but three years of abuse and torture ! He took your childhood from you . They should have been the happiest , most carefree years of your life , but instead they were nothing short of hell . " Her voice broke on the last word , fresh tears spilled from her eyes , and she closed them tightly , unable to look at him any longer . " You have to look at it that way , " she said quietly . " I know you don 't want to think of the past , and neither do I , but you have to remember sometimes , you know , why you did what you did . Why . " " I need to go , " Danny said then . He blinked away tears . He would not cry . He tried to get up , but she held onto his hand , holding him back . " Mum , how can his money make me happy ? It will just make me sick . " He pushed past her and got to his feet , clicking his tongue for Kurt to follow him . Kay scrambled to her feet , grabbing the bank statement and shoving it into the envelope with the rest of the things . She snatched his hand and pushed it into it . " Take it with you , " she begged him . " Please , just take it with you and talk to Lucy about it . Talk to your friends . That 's all I 'll ask Danny . " " Please , do it for me . Do it to make me happy . Do it to ease my guilt just a tiny bit . Take it and talk it over with them . They 've been there with you all along . They 'll know what to do . And if you come back in a few days , and you 've really thought about it , and you still don 't want it , I 'll accept that . " She dropped her hand , leaving the envelope in his . " I mean it , " she nodded , folding her arms across her middle . " I 'll accept it and I 'll never mention it again , I promise . But you do this one thing for me ; you take it and talk it over with your friends . See what they think . Will you do that for me ? " Danny dropped his shoulders in defeat . Nodded , and opened the door . Pulling it back towards him , he found himself face to face with his older brother , and he felt like sinking to the floor . It was too much . He felt his knees wobble a little , and his head was swimming . John regarded him with surprise , and then smiled warmly and broadly and stuck out his hand . " Not going already are you , little brother ? " Danny shook his head . He could not speak . He looked back at John . He saw a man , an adult , tall and heavy set , in good shape . He looked fresh faced and healthy . It flashed through his mind how little he knew about him . His eyes flicked momentarily to Kay , stood silently behind Danny . " Mum , " he nodded at her , and then his jaw set tightly , and he looked back at Danny . " Shall I come in ? Or do you fancy a walk somewhere ? " In the end they went for a walk . Danny waved at Lucy in her car as they came out of the building and headed towards the beach . He saw her wave back and then look back at her book . They walked along side by side , both with their hands in their pockets , as the little dog skipped ahead across the sand before them . " I 've got something to give you , " John said eventually , and when Danny looked at him expectantly , he saw his older brother look immediately down at the sand , as if the burden of guilt lay heavily upon him also . " Look I don 't know what to say to you Danny , and you know how I feel about mum , so I 'll be quick about this . You know I 've felt terrible , about … . " John had stopped walking , and his mouth was small as he looked angrily around at the beach , and then the sky , seeming to find it harder and harder to look at his brother . Danny sighed and decided to make it easy for him . " John , it doesn 't matter . None of it matters now . You had your own life to live , and I didn 't ask for your help . We can 't change that now , so forget about it . Please . " He turned and started walking again . John caught him up . " Okay , " he said . " All right . But there had to be something I could do to help , or make it up to you somehow , well that 's how I felt when you went to prison anyway . I wanted to do something but I didn 't know what to do . I wanted to do one thing , to be a good brother , you know ? " Danny had no idea what he was talking about . He only knew that all of this was doing his head in . He and John had never been close . Never . He had let go of any anger he had once held for John for leaving , but what was the use in pretending they were ever going to get on ? John seemed aggravated and uncomfortable walking beside him , and eventually he stopped again and pulled a letter out of his pocket , thrusting it almost impatiently at his younger brother . Danny frowned and took it from him . " What 's this ? " " Your dad . When you went to jail , I started looking . I didn 't know if it was the right thing to do or not , if you 'd even want to see him after all these years . But I always felt guilty you know ? I had my dad , and you never had yours , not since you were nine anyway . It wasn 't fair . " He pushed his hands back into his pockets and blew out his breath . He nodded at the letter . " He lives in Southampton these days , not far from where we used to live before mum moved us here . He travelled around for years , had a pretty colourful life by all accounts , and then he went back there to try to find you . When he 'd sorted himself out , you know ? He wanted to see you but we 'd gone . " Danny stared at the letter in his hands . He at once wanted to hurl it into the sea and run away from it , and hold it closely to his chest and never let it go . He did not know what to say so he said nothing . Just stared from the letter , to John , and back to the letter again . " He 's been writing to you , " John said . " Over the years . Even before I found him and told him what had happened . He had all these letters for you . He 's got them . If you want to see them ? That 's his address in there for you , and his number . What do you think ? " " What do I think ? " Danny asked , his voice catching in his throat as he looked up at his brother . " I think my head is fucked John , that 's what I think . " " I know . I know , I 'm sorry . I wanted to give it to you in person , that 's all . To explain . And see how you are . " Suddenly , out of nowhere , John 's arms were around him , and Danny felt himself stiffen in surprise . His brother had always been bigger built than him , taking after his own father , Kay 's first love . He felt like a giant now , enveloping him in his broad arms , pulling him into his thick chest . Just as quickly , John released him and wiped what might have been a tear from the corner of one eye . " I 'm sorry , " he said again . " I didn 't mean to mess with your head , but it took me a few years to trace him see . I didn 't know whether to tell you when you were inside , or not . I just wanted to find him for you . It was about the only thing I could give you back . " " Unbelievable , " Danny said to him and forced a smile . He tucked the letter into his jeans pocket and patted his brother on the arm woodenly . " Thank you . " " I 'll deal with it when I 'm ready , " Danny nodded . " But thanks , and I mean that . It was a kind thing you did . " " About the only good thing I 've done , for you . " John was staring down at his feet . Danny thought wistfully of Lucy sitting in her car , and his friends , and the pub and warmth . " You were a good brother John , " he said then and he was not really sure if he meant it or not . " Before you left , I mean . You tried really hard . I do remember that . Mum put on you a lot , and I was a little shit . I haven 't forgotten all that . I never blamed you for leaving , you know . " Outside , his mothers building he climbed into the car beside Lucy and shuddered . She looked at him in concern and reached out to stroke Kurt . " Okay ? " |
Dreams had been a problem for a long time . He had been shocked waking up after a peaceful night at Michael 's place , but had known his luck would not last long . He just felt relieved that his twisting and wrestling , and his final crash out of the bed , had not woken Lucy up . He looked up at her from where he woke on the floor , and saw her shift and murmur in her sleep , but that was it . Thank God . He could still feel the scream , caught at the back of his throat , and he had to cough twice to shake it away . He dropped his head into his hands for a few moments , and listened to his heart thumping wildly in his chest . He imagined his blood racing through his veins , waiting for the signal to calm back down . The dreams varied in their make - up . Some were horrible , filled with images of blood and terror , some were non - descript , and nothing really happened ; yet they still emanated a dark creeping kind of fear . He would wake up sweating and gasping if he was lucky . Most nights he was woken up by the sound of his own screams . He rubbed his eyes . He thought of the dreams as penance . As punishment . He had told various doctors and therapists over the years about the dreams . He had explained how violent they were , how terrifying , and how life like . They seemed to think it was okay . That he would work through them in his own time . He thought of them as his inside scars . Danny glanced at the window . The face from the dream was still there in his mind , stretched in rage , the eyeballs bulging , saliva looping from the top teeth to the bottom . He remembered running . Running , running so fast it felt like his lungs might explode , and still , it was not fast enough , or far enough . The face was behind him , it was whooshing up upon him , and when he looked back over his shoulder at it he was reminded of that scene from ' The Shining ' , where Jack Nicholson 's crazed face appears through the smashed in door . Sometimes he knew he had looked into that face and been convinced that none of it was real , that he was not a real person at all , but Like the bookcase , mostly full of teaching books and textbooks . He still couldn 't really picture her as a teacher . The thought made him want to giggle . He imagined she was brilliant at it though , a natural . He looked at her now , deep in sleep next to Kurt , who had managed to wriggle right under the duvet , with just his tail poking out . Danny sighed deeply , and allowed himself to feel and embrace the hope that careered through him whenever he was with her . It had always been that way , he thought . Life was shit , he felt shit , but then he would find her , and it was like she made the sun come out again , made him feel lighter , not so held down or bound up . He recalled many nights curled up with her , just like last night , not speaking , just breathing together , just holding on , and every breath he took with her was like being given permission to live . He looked at her now and thought , I don 't deserve you . He went through to the kitchen and put the kettle on . He intended on making her breakfast in bed . He felt good , he realised . Not so churned up , not so fearful . He did not allow himself to think about yesterday , and the cemetery . There would be a time later to dissect it with Michael , and he would tell Lucy when things had settled down . He repeated the mantra he had sold to himself , over and over again in his mind , as he busied around the kitchen ; one day at a time , one day at a time . Lucy set her laptop up for him after they had eaten breakfast . She set it up on the kitchen table , while he washed up at the sink , and every time he looked at her she was smiling , half laughing , and he was the same . " Like an old married couple , " he said eventually , wishing it were true . " Look at this , " she said to him , drinking from the second cup of coffee he had made for her . He dried his hands and came around to the table to see . " This is my Friends Reunited account , " she said , pointing to the screen . Danny leaned closer . " So people contact you through this ? " he asked , and she nodded and ran her finger down a list of names , with accompanying photos on the left hand side . " Zoë ? " Danny exclaimed with a laugh . He had not thought about her in years , but at one time she had been permanently joined to Michael 's side . " Wow , Zoë . What 's she up to these days then ? " " Look , " Lucy clicked on her photo and brought up her information for Danny to see . " She 's got three kids and another one on the way , " she said and glanced up at him . He shook his head , his hand going to his mouth in amazement . It was a joke , but Lucy made a face at him . " I wouldn 't put it past him , would you ? But no , I don 't think so . She got married really young , like twenty or something . I was chief bridesmaid , no less ! " Danny blew his breath out and shook his head again . He for one could not ever imagine going back to Redchurch , not for any reason . Belfield Park was grimy and grotty , nothing much had changed there , but it was the place they had ran to , it was the place they had at least been safe for a while . " Do you see her much ? " he asked Lucy , and she shrugged in reply . " Not really , not socially . I mean I see her at school , because some of her kids go there , but I 've never taught any of them . We chat on here a bit . Stay in touch , you know ? You can set up an e - mail account on my computer if you like ? " She looked up at him enquiringly , and he pushed his hands into his pockets . " Any time , " he replied . " I 've got the address . It 's about half an hour away from Redchurch , Milford something ? Down by the sea . " " Yeah , " Danny nodded . His mother had in fact been his most frequent visitor over the last eight years , though he did not feel comfortable telling Lucy this . " She had to drop the price quite a bit to sell it . " " I know . " He turned away then , went back to the sink and picked up the tea towel to finish drying the breakfast things . He had his back to Lucy , waited for her to say more , but she didn 't . She had never forgiven his mother , like Michael . It was a hatred she seemed determined to hold onto . He sighed to himself and thought I guess everyone needs someone to blame , and Lucy blames her . They were silent for a while . Danny finished drying the dishes and tried to put them away , but he didn 't know where anything went , so Lucy ended up closing down the laptop and getting up to show him . She seemed preoccupied , he thought , watching her move around the room . " Listen , " he said finally , catching her by the shoulder and stopping her . " Last night was amazing . Christ , how cheesy does that sound ? " He laughed at himself and went on . " But I don 't want you to feel like you owe me anything , because you don 't , or like you have to tread on eggshells around me . You know ? " She frowned at him slightly , but nodded . " You can say anything , " he told her . " You can ask me anything . I won 't mind . Okay ? " " Okay , " she smiled , and stepped forward , slipping her arms around his middle . " It 's okay . I 'll drive you to your mums . I 'll wait outside though . " " I am single , " she blurted out suddenly , and then instantly covered her mouth with her hands . He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes at him . " I don 't know why I said that . " " I don 't think you 're an idiot . I reckon you 've had no end of fella 's following you about . You didn 't have to wait for me or anything , you know that don 't you ? " " Course , stupid . Listen , we better go . We 'll talk more later yeah ? " She fixed him with a mischievous grin , and pulled away to find her bag and keys . Outside the front door , Danny tucked Kurt under his arm and wished he had asked Michael for some cigarettes . Lucy came out behind him , looking up and smiling as a young man came jogging along the pavement towards them . " Hi Carl ! " she called out breezily , and placed one hand on Dannys arm . He looked at Carl , who slowed down and stopped in front of the building , hands on knees as he caught his breath . He looked up at them both , and Danny half expected a hello , or a smile , or a question , but what he received instead was an extremely embarrassed expression , as the man pointed to the front door they had just pulled shut behind them . " Um … " he said , grimacing and looking like he wanted the ground to open up and pull him in . Danny and Lucy followed his pointing finger , and immediately they both gasped in dismay . Someone had used black spray paint across Lucy 's red front door . The word killer scrawled out in huge , drooping letters . The word echoed in his head during the drive over to Milford - on - sea . Lucy made small talk with him , and kept the radio down low . She told him about her class at school , and the funny things the children said and did . He could barely concentrate on a word she was saying . He nodded and looked her way every now and again , but it was useless . Killer . All over her fucking door . He felt sick in his stomach , sick and heavy with guilt . " Who would do that ? " he asked eventually , his voice strangled . She turned the radio down a bit more , looked at him briefly and shook her head and shrugged her shoulders . Danny thought of the old man then , the old man in the cemetery , but it did not bear thinking about , none of it did . He could not bring himself to mention it to her . Not yet . This was all too much to deal with . It was not fair on her , he thought . Her fucking front door ! Who would do that ? Who would know ? Again , he saw the image of the old man 's burning eyes in his head , and he looked out of the window , biting his lip , feeling the strong urge to whack his own head against the window , just to get rid of the man 's face . " People are idiots , " Lucy was saying , trying to calm him , he knew . " It 's probably just kids , you know ? Stupid idiot kids . " " You need to put it out of your head , " Lucy said then , with a sigh . " I mean it . I know that 's easier said than done , but you 've got your mum and John to deal with now , and then meeting with Billy later . It must all be so much , anyway . Try not to think about it for now . " " Just kids , " Lucy said again , and he could hear in her voice that it had shocked and confused her . Her eyes were darting around , concentrating more than she needed to on the driving , and she kept swallowing nervously . " Just stupid kids . Word must have got out somehow . I 've told people . I should have kept quiet , but you know , I 'm not ashamed of you being here , and I 'm not ashamed of why you were in prison . I 've never hid it from anyone . " She smiled bravely at him . " So it 's probably my fault , " she concluded . " I should have kept my big mouth shut . Someone has told someone and so on , and some stupid idiots have had a laugh . Tried to wind you up . We have to ignore it Dan . " She looked his way again and nodded firmly . He nodded back , agreeing with her . What else could he do ? His mother had been living in a third floor apartment with a glorious view of the sea , for most of the last eight years . As Lucy had reminded him , she had put her Cedar View house on the market shortly after he was sent to prison for murdering her husband in the kitchen . Seeing her was not going to be as difficult or as emotional as Lucy seemed to envision though . He had seen her once a month without fail for his entire incarceration . She had been his most consistently regular visitor . They had , in his opinion , laid their demons to rest a long time ago . They had peace , a mutual understanding and respect that he knew Lucy would probably never come to terms with , but that was fine . As far as he knew , his mother still lived alone . As far as he knew , she had not seen anyone romantically since her husband 's death . But he didn 't know for sure , and he imagined she would not jump at the chance of telling him if she was with anyone new . Lucy remained in the car , dragging a dog - eared paperback out of the glove compartment and assuring him he could take as long as he needed . She wished him luck before he set off with Kurt at his heels . He looked up at the bright white building she inhabited , and then pulled his coat tighter around his body . It was a cold day , for early September , and the wind whipping up from the beach made him shiver and quicken his step . His mother buzzed him in , and he took the stairs rather than the lift , hopping up them two at a time , with Kurt now tucked back up under his arm . His mother met him on the landing , with the door to her flat held open . She smiled an enormous , invigorating smile . Such a smile he had not seen on her face in a long , long time . During her visits to him inside , she had worn the same dark and pained expression , time and time again . She had always been a slim woman , but the last eight years had seen her shrink to something close to skeletal . She still wore her blonde hair long and wavy , and she still dressed well . Today she was wearing slim fit blue jeans and a navy blue tunic with three quarter length sleeves . He smiled back at her and thought that even in her late forties she was still very beautiful . When he put his arms around her , he felt the fragility of her body and was afraid that he might break her . She had no such qualms about him though , practically leaping at him and gripping his head with both hands , pulling his face down for a kiss . Then she closed her eyes and buried her head in his chest , and they stood there like that , for what seemed like an age . " My son , " she said , squeezing him tight . " My son . You don 't know what this day means to me . I so wish I could have come to meet you . " She looked up at him then , stepped back and viewed him with shining wet eyes . " But I understand why you wanted your friends , " she said , as an apology , and he sighed slightly and peered past her into the flat . He wondered if there would ever come a day when she would not feel the need to turn everything into an apology . " Oh . " Kay nodded , and then smiled politely , before gesturing him into the flat , which was warm and smelled of lavender . He went in and dropped Kurt to the floor . His mother closed the door and helped take his coat . " Of course , " she said , of Lucy . " I understand that . That 's fine . Would you like tea or coffee ? If you have time ? " She smiled a gracious smile and shook her head as she slipped past him into the kitchen . " No , not yet . He won 't want to speak to me , you understand . " He followed her into the kitchen , which was square , with a huge window that looked out at the sea . It was painted white , and had a small round table in the centre . A wind chime made of shells hung from the great window . There were fresh flowers in a blue and white striped jug on the table . She got two mugs down from a cupboard and switched on the kettle . " So tell me , how 's it been so far ? " she glanced at him with a wide smile that touched her eyes . " It must feel so strange ! So unreal ! " " Oh yeah . It 's great . It 's been great . Weird , but great . " " Look , go and sit in the lounge , it 's far more comfortable . I know I haven 't got you for long , but we can have a quick cup of tea , and I have two presents for you . " Danny did as she wanted and went back into the lounge , which sported sliding doors that led out onto a small balcony . He could see a little bistro style table set out there , and one chair . It certainly did not look like she entertained much company , he thought , looking around the lounge . There were no signs , no men 's coats or shoes , or slippers lurking around anywhere . He remembered a time when men had followed her , when every conversation with a strange man had evolved into flirting and proposals . Men had wanted her , he remembered , had wanted to own and possess her . He took a seat in an armchair next to the sliding doors and she reappeared with two wrapped presents , which she placed on his lap , before hurrying back into the kitchen for the tea . Danny looked down at the gifts . One was a square shaped box , and the other a flat package , possibly an envelope . He bit his lip on the inside and wished that she hadn 't . He blinked away a vivid memory that shot into his head , an image of him on his fourteenth birthday , sat on his bed opening the presents that she pushed upon him so excitedly . A new Nirvana t - shirt , he recalled . It had made him smile . Then his mother had gasped at the bruises to his stomach when he tugged off the one he was wearing , to try it on . Play fighting , he had told her . She had believed him . He looked at the gifts she presented him with now , and a spiteful part of him felt like knocking them to the floor and telling her not to bother . She came back with the tea and a plate of biscuits and set them all down on a small table between them . She took the other chair ; almost disappearing into it , so small and bird - like she was these days . She perched , and picked up her tea and held it delicately in her hands , grinning at the gifts he held . " Go on , " she said . " We haven 't got long , have we ? We can 't leave Lucy out there on her own too long and John will be here soon . Open them ! " " You 'll need it ! " she seemed to delight in telling him . " Everyone has them these days you know ! You can 't live without them . " I 've managed the last eight years , he thought , but did not say . He smiled and turned the box over in his hands . " Thanks . I won 't have a clue how to use it though . " " Oh Lucy will show you ! " his mother laughed , waving a hand at him and setting her tea back down again . " Before you know it , you 'll be addicted to it like the rest of us ! Plus , I can get in contact with you . I 've put my number in there already for you . They are great really , Danny . We 'll be able to stay in touch so much better with this . " " Now the next one ! " she urged , and actually pulled her knees up slightly , rocking back in the chair gleefully . He wondered distantly if she was all right . He pulled off the paper and found an envelope addressed to him . He looked up at her and she nodded at him insistently . " Open it love . Open it . " He tugged it open and inside he found a bank statement , a chequebook and what seemed to be a debit card with a pin number . He held them lightly in his hands , not understanding , but she nodded at him , smiling . " All yours , " she informed him . " Well I 've been looking after it for you , all this time . I 've been adding to it . I 've left you some money . So you will be okay . Look ! " She sat forward and thrust a finger energetically at the bank statement . He trained his eyes in on it , ran them down the entries on the right hand side , and landed on the current balance figure at the bottom . His eyes shot wide open . Two hundred thousand pounds . No way . It couldn 't be real . He looked at it again . " It 's all yours , " she said then , and shifted forward , even closer to him . He felt her small hand drop onto his . He looked from her grave expression , her haunted eyes , down onto the paper . He shook his head at all of it . " I can and I have . Don 't you worry , John is sorted out as well . He wouldn 't take as much . Well it took me years to convince him to have any , but you know he has a little girl now ? That kind of changed his mind . Things between us have thawed gradually , since then . " She kept her deep blue eyes on Danny 's . He wanted to look away , but he was held there , and it was horrible , because he could see everything there in her eyes , the awful guilt , the useless regret , all of it , and he knew he could never take it away for her . " But he 'll never forgive me of course , " she went on , her voice now tight and small . " And rightly so . But he has accepted my help finally . He accepted it because it is all I can do to say sorry . It is all I have left to try to make amends . You need this money Danny . " He looked down , shaking his head violently , and felt her hand tighten on top of his . " Look at me , " she said . " Look at me ! " He lifted his eyes ; found it torture to meet hers . " Now , " she said to him . " You listen to me , because I have to say this to you , and then that will be it , because I don 't want to rake up the past , I want us all to move on . I want us all to have decent normal lives . But you need to take this money , son . You have nothing at the moment , and we all know why . You can take this money . Start a business . Buy a house . Whatever you want . I only ask that whatever you do with it makes you happy , because you deserve to be happy Danny . Do you understand ? " She was crying now . Fat diamond shaped tears filled the corner of each eye , before toppling over to spill quickly down her thin cheeks . She was holding his hand so tightly it was beginning to hurt . " No , " Kay said quickly , sitting back , but keeping her hand over his . " No it 's not Danny , it 's mine . Because when he died everything that was his fell to me . My house and my club . My money . " " No ! " she said , this time louder , angrier . " Don 't you say that ! It fell to me . What am I supposed to do with it ? I have everything I need , don 't you see ? I bought this flat , I own it completely . I have a nice little car , and I have a nice little job as receptionist in a doctor 's surgery . I don 't need any more . " " Mum " Danny spoke softly and lifted his eyes to meet hers again . " I understand that . But I don 't think I can take his money . " She stood up then . She seemed furious . She dropped her arms , slapping her hands against her thighs . " Danny ! " she cried in frustration . " Stop saying that , stop saying it 's his money ! It 's mine ! You must take it ! " " Doesn 't feel right , " he shook his head at her . " Danny , for Gods Sake , " she turned on him then , hands going to her hips , head cocked slightly and shaking from side to side as she regarded him , sat stubbornly in the chair . " Don 't you do this , " she warned him . " Don 't you dare do this . " " You know what I mean , " his mother seethed . " The court case . Your bloody guilty plea . You could have got off . You could have got manslaughter , or diminished responsibility , but no . No . You had to go against all the legal advice , and all our begging , and plead pre - meditated murder . " Danny sucked in his breath and released it again slowly , and carefully . He felt the urge to stand up , to square up to her , take her on , but he forced himself to remain seated , hoping that was one way to keep calm . He let her words run through his mind for a moment . He looked at her and saw her blue eyes darken with anger . " That 's because it was the truth , " he told her slowly . " It was pre - meditated murder . I told the truth . " She rolled her eyes and gasped at him . " You may say that , " she told him , nostrils flaring . " But I don 't buy it . I didn 't then , and I don 't now , and you have no idea how frustrating it was to see you put yourself through that , when you didn 't have to ! " " You were half crazy with fear , and anger , and drugs ! " she shouted back at him , coming a step closer , with her hands till planted on her tiny hips . " You didn 't know what you were doing Danny ! And if you still believe that , then you need to go back and look at it all again . You really do . You need to stop being so ridiculously hard on yourself . You did it then , pleading murder when you didn 't have to , and you would have got far less than the ten years they sentenced you to , and now you 're doing it again . Refusing this money , " she nodded at the paper in his hand . " Exactly the same thing . It 's like you are determined to keep suffering . " " No I am not ! " Danny snarled at her . He held onto the bank statement with one hand , and his other hand dug into the armrest . He clung onto it , not wanting to let himself get to his feet . " That 's bullshit , and you don 't know anything ! " " Take the money then , " she challenged him . " Take the money and build a good life for yourself . You don 't think you deserve that ? " " Not really , no ! " He almost laughed at her , dropping his head into his hand and balling the bank statement up into his fist . He let it fall to the floor . She scooped it up instantly and remained crouched down before him . She placed her hands on his knees . " Why do you think ? " he shot back . " I killed someone . I took someone 's life . I don 't really think I should be rewarded for that , do you ? " Kay shook her head slowly , in utter amazement . She licked her lips , and then sat back on her heels , keeping her hands on his knees . " You just spent eight years in jail Danny , " she reminded him . " Tell me , was that a reward ? What about prison ? Was it wonderful ? Was it ? Was it a happy , joyful place ? Was it great , was it ? " " So you were punished , " she told him . " You punished yourself by making that plea . You 've served your sentence now son . It 's over . Why don 't you think you deserve the chance of a decent life ? " Danny rubbed at his eyes with both his hands . " I don 't know , I don 't know all right ? It just seems wrong to take his fucking money ! " " And what about what he did to you ? " she questioned , her tone softer now . He kept his hands over his eyes . He did not want to hear this . He did not want any of those things to come out of her mouth . He was starting to wish he had never come . He wanted more than anything , to just get up and walk out . " What about that ? " she asked him , taking one of his hands and pulling it away from his face . " Do you ever ask yourself that ? What about what he took from you ? Not just eight years in jail Danny , but three years of abuse and torture ! He took your childhood from you . They should have been the happiest , most carefree years of your life , but instead they were nothing short of hell . " Her voice broke on the last word , fresh tears spilled from her eyes , and she closed them tightly , unable to look at him any longer . " You have to look at it that way , " she said quietly . " I know you don 't want to think of the past , and neither do I , but you have to remember sometimes , you know , why you did what you did . Why . " " I need to go , " Danny said then . He blinked away tears . He would not cry . He tried to get up , but she held onto his hand , holding him back . " Mum , how can his money make me happy ? It will just make me sick . " He pushed past her and got to his feet , clicking his tongue for Kurt to follow him . Kay scrambled to her feet , grabbing the bank statement and shoving it into the envelope with the rest of the things . She snatched his hand and pushed it into it . " Take it with you , " she begged him . " Please , just take it with you and talk to Lucy about it . Talk to your friends . That 's all I 'll ask Danny . " " Please , do it for me . Do it to make me happy . Do it to ease my guilt just a tiny bit . Take it and talk it over with them . They 've been there with you all along . They 'll know what to do . And if you come back in a few days , and you 've really thought about it , and you still don 't want it , I 'll accept that . " She dropped her hand , leaving the envelope in his . " I mean it , " she nodded , folding her arms across her middle . " I 'll accept it and I 'll never mention it again , I promise . But you do this one thing for me ; you take it and talk it over with your friends . See what they think . Will you do that for me ? " Danny dropped his shoulders in defeat . Nodded , and opened the door . Pulling it back towards him , he found himself face to face with his older brother , and he felt like sinking to the floor . It was too much . He felt his knees wobble a little , and his head was swimming . John regarded him with surprise , and then smiled warmly and broadly and stuck out his hand . " Not going already are you , little brother ? " Danny shook his head . He could not speak . He looked back at John . He saw a man , an adult , tall and heavy set , in good shape . He looked fresh faced and healthy . It flashed through his mind how little he knew about him . His eyes flicked momentarily to Kay , stood silently behind Danny . " Mum , " he nodded at her , and then his jaw set tightly , and he looked back at Danny . " Shall I come in ? Or do you fancy a walk somewhere ? " In the end they went for a walk . Danny waved at Lucy in her car as they came out of the building and headed towards the beach . He saw her wave back and then look back at her book . They walked along side by side , both with their hands in their pockets , as the little dog skipped ahead across the sand before them . " I 've got something to give you , " John said eventually , and when Danny looked at him expectantly , he saw his older brother look immediately down at the sand , as if the burden of guilt lay heavily upon him also . " Look I don 't know what to say to you Danny , and you know how I feel about mum , so I 'll be quick about this . You know I 've felt terrible , about … . " John had stopped walking , and his mouth was small as he looked angrily around at the beach , and then the sky , seeming to find it harder and harder to look at his brother . Danny sighed and decided to make it easy for him . " John , it doesn 't matter . None of it matters now . You had your own life to live , and I didn 't ask for your help . We can 't change that now , so forget about it . Please . " He turned and started walking again . John caught him up . " Okay , " he said . " All right . But there had to be something I could do to help , or make it up to you somehow , well that 's how I felt when you went to prison anyway . I wanted to do something but I didn 't know what to do . I wanted to do one thing , to be a good brother , you know ? " Danny had no idea what he was talking about . He only knew that all of this was doing his head in . He and John had never been close . Never . He had let go of any anger he had once held for John for leaving , but what was the use in pretending they were ever going to get on ? John seemed aggravated and uncomfortable walking beside him , and eventually he stopped again and pulled a letter out of his pocket , thrusting it almost impatiently at his younger brother . Danny frowned and took it from him . " What 's this ? " " Your dad . When you went to jail , I started looking . I didn 't know if it was the right thing to do or not , if you 'd even want to see him after all these years . But I always felt guilty you know ? I had my dad , and you never had yours , not since you were nine anyway . It wasn 't fair . " He pushed his hands back into his pockets and blew out his breath . He nodded at the letter . " He lives in Southampton these days , not far from where we used to live before mum moved us here . He travelled around for years , had a pretty colourful life by all accounts , and then he went back there to try to find you . When he 'd sorted himself out , you know ? He wanted to see you but we 'd gone . " Danny stared at the letter in his hands . He at once wanted to hurl it into the sea and run away from it , and hold it closely to his chest and never let it go . He did not know what to say so he said nothing . Just stared from the letter , to John , and back to the letter again . " He 's been writing to you , " John said . " Over the years . Even before I found him and told him what had happened . He had all these letters for you . He 's got them . If you want to see them ? That 's his address in there for you , and his number . What do you think ? " " What do I think ? " Danny asked , his voice catching in his throat as he looked up at his brother . " I think my head is fucked John , that 's what I think . " " I know . I know , I 'm sorry . I wanted to give it to you in person , that 's all . To explain . And see how you are . " Suddenly , out of nowhere , John 's arms were around him , and Danny felt himself stiffen in surprise . His brother had always been bigger built than him , taking after his own father , Kay 's first love . He felt like a giant now , enveloping him in his broad arms , pulling him into his thick chest . Just as quickly , John released him and wiped what might have been a tear from the corner of one eye . " I 'm sorry , " he said again . " I didn 't mean to mess with your head , but it took me a few years to trace him see . I didn 't know whether to tell you when you were inside , or not . I just wanted to find him for you . It was about the only thing I could give you back . " " Unbelievable , " Danny said to him and forced a smile . He tucked the letter into his jeans pocket and patted his brother on the arm woodenly . " Thank you . " " I 'll deal with it when I 'm ready , " Danny nodded . " But thanks , and I mean that . It was a kind thing you did . " " About the only good thing I 've done , for you . " John was staring down at his feet . Danny thought wistfully of Lucy sitting in her car , and his friends , and the pub and warmth . " You were a good brother John , " he said then and he was not really sure if he meant it or not . " Before you left , I mean . You tried really hard . I do remember that . Mum put on you a lot , and I was a little shit . I haven 't forgotten all that . I never blamed you for leaving , you know . " Outside , his mothers building he climbed into the car beside Lucy and shuddered . She looked at him in concern and reached out to stroke Kurt . " Okay ? " |
Here is what it looks like to walk into a corn field this time of year . I live in a town full of freaks and bizarre incidences . . . For the most part . On Monday night when I was dropping my daughter off at show choir , we saw an animal control vehicle parked on the side of the road . Across the street , a guy in uniform was emerging from a yard with a large black bird he was holding upside down . At first , I thought it might be a very big raven , but as he got closer , I realized it was a chicken . Then on Dorky 's blog , he posted an article from our local paper about some weird rash of chickens running amuck around Iowa City . I never did find out if it was some kind of planned terrorist act by one of the groups trying to allow chickens in the city , or if a truck overturned somewhere . Here is some dried corn . On Tuesday , I was headed back to the office from the other building across the street . Some younger college aged girl stopped me , pointed to my basket and asked , " Hey , is that from CVS ? " I was confused because I work for a state institution that likes to use acronyms for everything . So , at first I thought she was asking me if I picked up some forms she needed from a certain area . I kept asking her what she meant . Finally she said , " I work at CVS and people are always stealing our red baskets . " She even stuck her finger in my face . Have I ever mentioned on here how much I hate it when people get in my face ? " Oh . Well , we 've been using this same basket for the last 7 years at least . . . Since CVS was still called Osco . And I highly doubt the university would steal it from your store . " She saw that I was really annoyed and finally backed off a little . When I started to walk away , she said , " They may have taken it by accident , you know . . . " Um , okay . What is wrong with people ? I 'm sure there are crazy people everywhere , but it just seems that our town has an unusually high concentration of them . Here is a barn and and a camper and some outbuildings . So , this frantic house hunting is taking up all of my time and energy . I looked at some houses today , and hopefully , I 'll look at more tomorrow . I can 't really write about it right now , because I haven 't had time to process it . Instead , I will post my next story installment that began last week . Here it is : The racetrack is made for adults . The fence that separates us from where the horses run is too high for me and Bill to see over . When the grownups get excited during a race , we stand up on the chairs to try to see , but the old men in the back seats get mad . " Sit down , you goddamn hippie kids ! " One of them yells and then they throw their racing forms and plastic cups that used to hold beer at us and we have to step down . We start doing this thing we do when we get bored at the track . Me and my brother wrap the bottom of our t - shirts around our arms to make a bag . We walk around the seats and pick up the stubs to the racing tickets and put them in the bags we made . When our bags get too full we take our arms out of our t - shirts and stretch the bottoms really tight . The stubs go flying into the air and we start again . Sometimes this is fun and sometimes it isn 't , but we do it anyway . It 's like the way I touch the cup of skin between my nose and lip . When I start , it helps me helps me feel better , then after a while my finger gets tired but it 's hard to stop . That 's what picking up the stubs is like and we keep at it until my Uncle Jack sees us . " You guys are still here ? " He asks and we don 't say anything back . Instead we look down because we know we 're not supposed to be here . " Maybe you should tell your dad to meet me in my office in ten minutes and we 'll go to Riata Pass to eat . " He 's trying to sound cheerful , but I can tell by the way his jaw is stiff that he 's mad . My brother is going to tell our father we should go . I would , but I don 't want him to be mad at me and my brother doesn 't care . " Hey , Dad , " my brother says , but he 's too quiet . He clears his throat aPosted by Here is a sign either pointing to Kansas City or showing you the way to the lead singer of the Sunshine Band . I 've always dreamed of houses . Big , rambling , impractical houses with secret passages and miles and miles of twisted hallways . At some point in every dream , I realize that I have an apartment , and so the big rambling house , really couldn 't be mine . I wonder if I 'll still dream like that if I actually buy my own home . Today I met with the realtor and her assistant at lunch . They asked me what I was looking for in a house . I assumed they meant , what was I looking for in a home I could afford . I 've thought about it a lot lately , as I obsess over the realty sites in my town . Ideally , I 'd like a two bedroom bungalow with hardwood floors . It wouldn 't have to be that big , as long as it didn 't need a ton of work . I guess , if it were possible , I wouldn 't mind one of those extra upstairs rooms that Stinky likes to refer to as a teen room . As in , " Hey , mom . If we get that one house , can that big upstairs room be my teen room ? " I told the realtors that I didn 't have to have a garage , but after being without one during the tornado , a basement would be very , very welcome . Oh , yeah . I don 't need a huge yard , but I 'd like enough of one to have a garden . I would settle for a decent Ranch style home too . In order to get the tax credit , the realtor said I had just about 3 weeks to find a house in my price range . Eek ! That doesn 't give me much time . They seemed pretty confident that I 'd be able to find something and they were going to get back to me on when we can actually go out and start looking . I 'll keep you all posted on the process . This is what parts of Iowa look like in the Fall . Look . I finally got around to taking some outdoor pics today . This weekend was packed with so much stuff , it felt a lot like a clown car . So , in the interest of now trying to fit it all into one blog post , I will use a nice little series of numbers . 1 . ) I got off work at noon on Friday and met with a loan officer . He pre - approved me for a home loan . Yea ! 2 . ) I called my brother to get help on what to do next and how all this house buying stuff was supposed to work . 3 . ) I got the name of a realtor and contacted said person . We set up a time and place to meet on Monday to get the ball rolling . 4 . ) I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned . The dental hygenist praised me on how well I took care of my teeth . It made me wonder how bad some other people 's teeth must be and then I promptly shuddered . 5 . ) After Coadster got home from cross country practice , we went out for steak to celebrate Stinky 's birthday . It was very , very good . 6 . ) Once I got Stinky to her friend 's house and Coadster was getting ready for bed , a friend invited me to come over and drink some beer . This particular friend just happens to be extremely knowledgeable about almost everything I 'm interested in . So , it was great to have someone to talk and get excited about everything with . And since this friend also makes me laugh harder than anyone I know , it was a perfect end to my day . Here we are with the birthday girl . 1 . ) On Saturday I looked at a bunch of on - line real estate sites that the above mentioned friend sent me . I picked out the houses I was interested in and sent the list in an email to my realtor . 2 . ) I ran my six mile route and felt really strong . 3 . ) Did some cleaning and made lunch and ran kids around for much of my afternoon . 4 . ) Missed the early beginning of my friend J . 's birthday because I was busy on mom duty . 5 . ) Caught the last half of J . s birthday down at the Dublin . I knew it was going to be an interesting evening when my friend G . and I were walking toward the Dublin and two guys stoppPosted by Now I 'm resorting to boring photos of water and trees . This week I finally decided to get my shit together and actually go talk to banks about getting a home loan . Tomorrow I 'm taking a half day of vacation , but before you go getting all jealous , let me tell you that I 'm going to talk to two different lenders and then going to the dentist . Yeah . Now , how jealous are you ? That 's what I thought . I 've spent a lot of time on the internet this week looking at lender and housing options and my head might just explode before I get anywhere near buying a house . My brother said that I 'd get a loan , but it might not be enough for what I want and where I want to live . I 'll probably burn some more vacation time next week talking to a couple more lenders . My friend who talked to me about this a couple of weeks ago , told me to shop around , so that 's what I 'm doing . I figure if I don 't get what I want right now , I 'll still be in the place I am now , but much better educated . And where I am right now is just fine . I love where I live , it 's just that I 'd rather stop throwing money away , and I have very little time to try to get that first time home buyer tax credit . I 'm just going to throw it all up in the air and see how it lands . But enough of that . It 's the weekend . Woot ! After all the practical crap tomorrow , the girls and I will finally go out for dinner to celebrate Stinky 's birthday . I 'm not sure what else I 'm doing tomorrow night . The girls may have plans with their friends after dinner , and I 'll just decide when I know their schedules . On Saturday , I 'd like to do another double work - out running and biking . If it rains , I 'll have to change that around and maybe swim instead . My friend G . gets back on Saturday night and she has told me she expects an email from me waiting for her and to go out on Saturday night . So there . I might be ready for a beer or two . I feel like I 'm working really hard parenting and training and writing and researching home loans and Iowa City properties , that I 'll be very ready to blow off some steam oPosted by Here is a picture of my brother when he was very young . One of these days I 'll actually take some pics , so I don 't have to keep recycling these old ones . So , remember how I posted part of that story I entitled 1969 ? Well , since I 'm reworking the whole thing , I thought I 'd get all crazy and start posting it from the beginning . Chronological order . Weird . I 'll try to post it every week as I work on it . Just a reminder , it 's mostly fiction with some fact or someone 's memories thrown in for fun . Here we go : I am eight years old today . My mom had to work , so we will have my party tomorrow . My dad was supposed to get my cake and decorations but he wanted to stop at the track for just a minute and now I think he forgot . Bill says not to worry about it . Our mom will take care of it later . She will be mad , but she 'll get everything I need for my party . Now , Bill says we should go watch the races for a while and I can have my birthday tomorrow . We go to tell my dad that we are going up front to see better . He is watching the horses . The old men at the track call them ponies . When there is a race going , he won 't look anywhere else until the last horse crosses in front of him . Sometimes he won 't look up then . He will just stare and stare . He won 't look up even if I stand in front of him and scream right in his face . I know because I did it once and he didn 't blink . He doesn 't do anything when we say where we 're going , so we know we can do whatever we want now . My father used to work at the racetrack taking pictures of the winning horses . I don 't know why he doesn 't anymore , but my uncle still does and that 's why we get to sit in the VIP section . VIP doesn 't mean vice president . When I tell my brother that 's what I think it means , he calls me stupid and now I don 't think that anymore . " It means very important people , " Bill says and laughs the way he does when he hates my father . I know better to ask why it 's funny that we sit in the very important people section . That 's probably more than enough for now . Tune in next week when our Posted by I don 't have any photos of me actually working at the clinic , but this recycled photo was taken at that same time . I 've been on kind of a roll with the writing lately . I was dormant with it for so long , that now I feel very much awake and full of ideas . I work them out a lot when I 'm running or riding my bike . I seem to think better when I 'm moving . So , I 'll be posting bits and pieces of some of the new stuff I 'm working on and the old stuff I 'm reworking . I wrote a little about Stinky 's illness yesterday . I worked at the clinic at the same time and many nights I slept at the hospital , woke up , and walked down the hall to work at the clinic all day . So , I started working on a piece about advocating for patients and then suddenly being on the other end of that . Some of it is fiction and some isn 't . Here 's a bit of it : My primary doctor told me that my main job was to make " nicey nice " with the patients . That doctor was an incredible gynecologist and surgeon , but not much of a people person . I was actually , surprisingly really good at making " nicey nice " . I was never disingenuous or condescending . The tough part was distancing myself enough so that I didn 't absorb every heartbreaking situation I experienced , or I 'd end up in the fetal postion sucking my thumb at the end of eash day . It was a line I found myself crossing over way too often . Usually , I just tried to find out a little bit about the patient and help them the best I could . So , when my doctor would leave a room and say , " Hey , can you help me out ? I 've just explained her limited options to her about a hundred times and she doesn 't seem to get it . Can you go in there and help her understand and come up with a plan ? Thanks . Oh , and we need that room , so do you think you could do all of that as quickly as possible ? " I would do just that . Making " nicey nice " included many different scenarios . Once on the way to entering a room for an older woman 's appointment , her daughter - in - law stopped me and said , " Hi . I 'm sorry to bother you , but I just wanted to fill you in . Posted by Here is Stinky as a baby . I wouldn 't be surprised if she was trying to push the swing to make it go faster and higher . Well , kids . it 's time for another mushy , gushy birthday post . This time it might even be extra special cheesy for a few reasons . The first is that my baby is turning 16 this year , and once she starts driving , there 's no telling whether any of us will be around for her 17th , and if we are , I might be writing that post from my new digs with the nicely padded walls . Here is Stinky a few months before she got sick . The second reason is because February of this year marked the 10th anniversary of Stinky having meningitis . In March she got sick with very similar symptoms , and since we were told her chances of getting meningitis are higher because of her first incident , all of those feelings came back to haunt me . Luckily , it was a false alarm , but I was surprised how much Stinky remembered from that time . She still knows that hospital better than most of the people who work there , I bet . Here is Stinky at my family reunion in Breckenridge . She might be just a little off . I feel very lucky for every day I 've had with her . . . Although , with her tendency for boundary pushing , I have to really remind myself sometimes . No . She 's a great kid . She 's goofy and silly and quirky and all of those things I can relate to . And if nothing else , I think her illness has taught her to grab life with both hands and not just appreciate every day of it , but make it her bitch . Stinky at her dad 's house on Halloween . It 's her favorite holiday and this was her favorite costume . She got to combine being creepy with wearing a " pretty " dress . She went as a dead bride that year , and all day at work , I was afraid her school was going to call me and make me change her into something a little less offensive . This year , like the year she was born , Stinky 's birthday falls on the first day of Fall . It also just happens to be her favorite season . She loves the changing of the leaves and football season and especially Halloween . When my girls werPosted by Here I am next to a gigantic foam finger . It 's part of a promo we 're doing to get students involved in campus activities . I 'm not sure who thought seeing a guy walking around campus dressed like this would be motivating , just know it wasn 't me . So , kids . This weekend turned out differently than I had planned . Coadster babysat for Mr Creekside Review and his wife on Friday night . Their son is adorable and sweet and Coadster loves hanging out with him . She said he was quoting Kung Fu Panda all night and that just happens to be one of her favorite movies too . It sounds like she had a great night . Stinky asked if I 'd take her Homecoming dress shopping , so I did . She didn 't find anything she really liked , and I was too tired to keep going , so we went home and started watching Quarantine . As I 've said before , I do like a good zombie movie . Too bad Quarantine wasn 't one of them . I hate it when the plot is driven by people being stupid . I couldn 't even finish it , I was so annoyed with it . Stinky had already seen it , was exhausted and had to get up early the next morning , so we were both fine with turning it off . Saturday was a very active day for me . I went for a long bike ride on Saturday morning and my 6 mile run in the afternoon . I swear , if I didn 't have to work an office job , I 'd start every morning off with an hour or two long bike ride . It felt so great . Around 7 : 30 , my friend D . called me to say that she and our friend E . had just been hanging out at the Magic Bus during the game , were heading down to the Dublin and wanted to know if I would join them . Ah , what the hell . I waited for Stinky to get off work , and then dropped her off at her friend 's house and headed down . I 'm glad I did , since there were a lot of people I knew there . Of course , by the time I got there , E . was already heading home with her husband , but D . was there for the duration . A little before midnight , I got a call from a friend of mine asking me where I was . She was having boy troubles and wanted to know if she could come down and talk to me abouPosted by Here is a mini disco ball on a table full of abandoned cups . So , I went to Coadster 's cross country meet today . I know it makes me a dork , but it got me all excited about racing . Her team is huge and great and really supportive of each other . Before the race started , all 70 girls got in a big circle to help each other gear up . One of the moms and I double dog dared her husband to get in the middle of the circle and do the worm or break dance . He said he didn 't think it would be worth the therapy bills he 'd need to pay for his daughter . I guess he had a point . My friend G . , the activities director and my link to society will be out of town this weekend . She 's always great about getting me out of my house and makes plans every Saturday . She 's really good for me that way . As I 've said before , most of my interests are pretty solitary endeavors and I do need my alone time , but when I don 't make myself socialize , I live in my scary brain too much and it makes me even weirder . Who even knew that was possible ? Right now , I don 't have any social plans for this weekend . If someone calls or texts me and asks me to do something , I 'll definitely consider it . I just haven 't actively sought anything out is all . I think I 'll use this weekend to regroup and take care of my house , both literally and in that literary gothic sense where it represents my psyche . Which is just a fancy way of saying I 'll be cleaning and working on my shit . Coadster is babysitting for my blogging buddy at Creekside Review on Friday night . Stinky and I will have some alone time together , but we haven 't figured out exactly what we 'll do with it yet . I 'll have to wake up early on Saturday morning to get Stinky to her job and Coadster to cross country practice . Then I 'm going to try to ride a hilly route some of my cyclist friends told me about . It should be really pretty this time of year too . I need to be back to get Coadster from cross country practice to the same job where Stinky will be working . Then later in the afternoon , I 'll do my 6 mile run . Saturday nPosted by Here are some people at the beach . A place where I 'd like to be right now . So , you know how I 'm kind of socially retarded , right ? Well , today it seemed like everyone else was even weirder than me . I was in an alternate universe , where I was the normal person . . . Okay , I won 't go that far , but there were people walking around the planet who made me look almost normal . The minute I stepped on campus , I realized the Gideon bible guys were out in full force . They are generally nice , polite , older gentleman in suits . I 've worked at this particular institute of higher learning for many , many years , so I know the drill . I take the first little green book offered me , and wave it at all the other guys trying to give me the same thing . When I got up to my building , I noticed a guy standing in front , looking toward the sky . At first I thought he might be looking for the hawk that used to fly around the museum across the street , but he was looking past it . I approached two other women who work in my building and asked , " So , is that guy just trying to see how many people he can make look up this morning ? " " No . Margaret said she asked him what he was doing and he told her he was looking for the moon so he could see Jupiter . If he wanted to see all that , you 'd think he would have started a little earlier . . . Like before sunrise , " one of my co - workers replied * * * I think I 've told you that after lunch I walk across the street with a little red shopping basket to pick - up all of our afternoon computer print - outs . Well , today I noticed a car politely waiting for me to cross the street . I didn 't pay much attention to it , until the driver yelled out the window , " City High cross country ! Wooooo ! " I looked up and realized the guy was my friend and co - worker T - Rip 's boyfriend and he was referring to my Facebook status update . Then I remembered that I saw a Facebook reminder for him too . " Hey ! Happy birthday , M ! " I said . As I walked into the other building , I wondered if we would have said anything to each other besides hi , if Facebook didn 't exiPosted by Here are some pretty flowers that have nothing to do with my post . What else is new ? Okay , I went back to my old short story vault and pulled out part of a different story than last week . I posted this a couple of years ago too . So , I apologize to any of you people who have been reading my blog for the last three years or so . . . Actually , I should probably apologize to you every day , huh ? Anyway , this is pretty much pure fiction . I 'm too young to remember the moon landing . ( believe it or not ) and so I made up a bunch of shit around it . Too bad I forgot I wrote this . It would have been perfect during the anniversary in July . Here goes : 1969Tonight is a big deal . My dad keeps telling us , " Kids , remember this . This is a very big deal . " My brother rolls his eyes and walks into his room . I stay in the living room so I can be where everyone else is . I 'm afraid to miss it . It is a very big deal . My mom has set up the card table so she can put all the food she made on it . My grandma and my Uncle Jack and my Aunt Lee are coming over . My Aunt Lee is divorced and everyone says it in a whisper like it 's secret and we can 't say it around her because it might make her feel bad . Her daughter is a year older than my brother . She will never play with me . After they get here , my cousin goes off with my brother and they shoot things with their slingshots . I don 't even try to tag along because I know they will start shooting at me . My mom touches or winks at me every time she comes out of the kitchen with potato salad , or Jello or bread or deviled eggs . My dad likes very dark bread and brown mustard , so we always have to have it , but my mom doesn 't make me eat it or I 'll throw up . He also eats peanuts in the shell and all of our ashtrays are full of empty shells . There 's almost no room for cigarettes or ashes . Once the whole family arrives , my dad and my Uncle Jack talk about politics and everyone tries to get them to change the subject because they don 't agree . There is so much cigarette smoke everywhere that my eyes bPosted by Here is the back of a boat house . I thought I 'd do another quaint writing exercise this week on the nature of pain . What was last week 's again ? Oh yeah . I talked about touching a dead body when I was kid . One of these days , I 'll surprise the hell out of all y ' all and write about rainbows and unicorns . Of course , rainbows are just illusions and unicorns creep me out , so I doubt my take will be very sweet . If you only know me from my blog , I swear to god that in real life I 'm fun and happy and hopeful . . It just seems like writing brings up the dark sludge in me . Here it is : You are quite familiar with physical pain . It used to be part of your job . When you would assess patients with pain complaints , you knew just what to ask them . Was it sharp and stabbing , radiating or crushing ? On a scale of one to ten where 10 is the worst pain imaginable and one is normal , how would you rank your pain ? ( just another reason to hate math and numbers ) You 've felt it yourself . Mostly through your migraines . That sharp stabbing pain in your sinus cavity so intense it makes you throw up and pass - out , getting dragged underneath a buggy and losing layers of skin on your left leg , and 36 hours of labor . On a scale from one to ten where ten is the worst pain imaginable , you 'd give those a 20 . The crazy thing about physical pain , is that once it 's gone , it 's hard to remember what it felt like exactly . Which is probably the only reason women have more than one child . You know it hurt , you know it was unpleasant , but you can 't make yourself really feel it again even minutes after it 's gone . Emotional pain is a different beast altogether . Years and years after you 've experienced it , you feel it exactly like you did the first time - sharp and stabbing in your stomach , crushing your chest and radiating throughout your body . And now for something completely different . . . I 'm going to take a weekly count for training purposes : This week I ran 41 miles , rode only 10 miles on my bike and sacrificed my lap swim to a Stinky girl 's stomach flu . My iPod playePosted by Here is a group shot , so you can see tons of scary 80 's wear . Man , I wish I had an extra day for this weekend too . It 's been great , I just always try to pack so much into it . I 'd love an extra day to get it all done . So , Friday ? Well , at first both the girls were going to drive to the town a half hour from us to watch the football game , then neither of them were going . It finally went down that Stinky went to sleepover at a friend 's house and Coadster stayed home with me . We got a pizza delivered and watched a movie . She had to take the ACT test in the morning , so she wanted to just shut her brain off before she had to crank it up in the morning . Of course , that means I didn 't get to read as much of my book as a I wanted , but I try to take full advantage of any time I can get with my girls . I 'll for sure finish it this week , though . As you all know , you need a seriously ozone depleting amount of Aquanette to host a successful 80 's party . Saturday was crazy busy and that was mostly my fault . Lately , I 've been feeling great and in good shape and it affects everything else with me , not just physically , but mentally and emotionally too . I REALLY don 't want to lose that over the Winter . So , I thought a good way to keep me on a roll , was to decide to do a triathlon next year . I hate to be bad at stuff , so I 'm thinking if I commit to a triathlon , I 'll keep up with training work - outs all Winter long and I 'll stay in shape , which will keep me happy and well - adjusted ( well , as I can be , anyway ) . I guess we 'll see how that goes when the snow and ice starts flying . Anyway , I added biking and swimming to my running and it cut into my time to do other things , but by Saturday afternoon , I was flying high on endorphins - my drug of choice . Here was my 80 's party attire . On Saturday night I went to the 80 's party and it was all different kinds of fun . Everybody made white trash casseroles , and there wasn 't just Mad Dog 20 / 20 , there were Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers too . Yeah , they covered all the bases . Many of my favorite people werePosted by Here 's me at the ass - end of the 80 's . Good lord ! Check out my hair . So , tonight was a really odd running experience . I think I 've told you about 8 , 421 times before that I 've been running the same route for over twenty years , right ? So , a lot of people who live along it , think they know me , even though we 've never spoken before . It 's great for safety reasons . As I was running today , a woman stopped me to tell me she thought I looked incredible . Normally , I don 't like to stop at all during my run , but if I had to , I suppose there are worse reasons . Then a bunch of people I don 't know waved or " Woo - Hoo ' ed " me . By the time I hit Summit Street , I saw a guy riding a bike with his kid in a trailer . He waved , and I waved back with no recognition . He looked at me more closely and I figured out that not only did I know him , he was dating my friend Marla and was there when Coadster and I had the horse and buggy accident . I hadn 't seen him since the John Irving reading almost two years ago . Talk about synchronicity . Weird . Hey , is it the weekend already ? Sweet ! It snuck up on me , so I haven 't really thought about what I 'll do tomorrow night . I 'm sure it will be something crazy and exciting like staying home and reading and listening to music . I still haven 't finished Razor 's Edge yet , but I 'm at a really good place in the book , so I 'm hoping to finish it this weekend . Saturday my friends are having an 80 's party where that decade dress is required . Which could really mean anything . I went through so many different phases back then . I can promise you , I won 't be caught dead in a sweater vest and there 's no way in hell I 'm cutting my bangs again just for the occasion . I might just wear straight leg jeans , a Clash t - shirt , a pair of Chuck Taylor 's and tons of black eyeliner , because that 's what I wore for much of the mid - eighties anyway . My friend K . is talking about back combing her bangs and making her hair huge , and I can 't wait to see that . My girl crush is coming into town for it too . So , it should be a lot fun girls and silliPosted by Coadster in her bright pink hip spica cast shortly after the accident . So , I 've been inspired by a friend to start writing again . . . No , really writing . Not just jotting down blog posts in twenty minutes to document them for some fabled later date where I will have copious amounts of time to produce actual fiction . So , I pulled out my folder of old stories from when I used to try to write almost ten years ago . I hadn 't looked at most of them since then , and rereading them now , kind of made my stomach hurt , the writing was that bad . Luckily , it wasn 't all horrible and I think I can actually build something out of what I have . Since I mentioned the horse and buggy accident yesterday , I thought I 'd post a little of the story I wrote about that to piece together what actually happened . I posted it once a couple of years ago too , I think . I had a severe concussion and I was 27 years old , and I wasn 't sure if I even had a baby and if I did if she was still alive . So , you can read a little of this and see me at my spazziest . I know . Frightening . I think one of the big problems with this story is that it 's in the first person . It was important for me to piece together in that tense , but it doesn 't really work as a story . So , here is part of the original and if I think it 's worth rewriting , I 'll post the same snippet in the third person when I get it done . Just for fill - in ; we were on the buggy with this woman named Marla who worked with me at the coffee / ice cream shop . A guy named Arlen was driving the buggy when the horses got loose . We just happened to be going down a steep hill at the time . Ready ? Okaaay ! : " Ah Hell , " Arlen says . I see the horses running off , no longer connected to the buggy . Arlen is yanked out of the wagon still steadfastly holding on to the reins and trails behind the horses before he is left with a dislocated shoulder and broken arm in their wake . The buggy keeps going faster . " Shit ! " Marla yells and jumps off the side . Coadster and I are alone . She is crying . I think I am too . We are going too fast now fPosted by Another recycled photo of me in pigtails in white with my cousins wearing their best disco shirts . What the hell . I guess I 'll just talk about Facebook again . As I 've said before , I both love and get annoyed with it . I don 't really even know a lot of my " friends " . People ask me to friend them , and if we share other contacts , I usually just do it . I moved around a lot and sometimes I don 't remember all the people I 've worked with , lived by or waited on . So , there are a lot of people I may or may not know asking me to play Mafia Wars or accept their Little Green Plants , or go to their musical events . Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for me and I stay off of Facebook unless I get a message or someone comments on my shit . I have a hard time staying mad at Facebook , however . For one thing , it is physically impossible for me to carry a grudge , for another , it has also been really great for me by reestablishing old friendships and staying connected with current friends and family . I 'm not the best at calling or emailing people , so I can use my 15 minute breaks at work or my lunch to wish people happy birthdays , " like " their photos or links and comment on their status updates . This week Facebook has been really weird for me . I found the friend who 's parents owned the acreage where Coadster and I got into that horse and buggy accident when she was a baby . I 'll talk more about that tomorrow . Tonight , though ? Tonight I got a request from my best friend when I lived in Chicago . My mom died right before Halloween when I was in fifth grade . Shortly after that , we moved from Arizona to live in a suburb on the Southside of Chicago with my aunt and uncle who apparently found it very difficult to be nice to us . I really needed a friend and I found one in Cindy . She was the only other nerdy , book reading girl like me in my new school . At one point , she asked me to tell her my favorite book and she would read it and tell me what she thought . She told me hers , but it was Harriet the Spy and I had already read it . I told her the title Posted by Here is some graffiti . I think I 'm going to do a weird , morbid writing exercise tonight . It 's what I can remember , with a little artistic license thrown in - you know how I usually do it . Enjoy : I had never been to a Mormon wake before . I don 't think I 'd actually been to any kind of wake before . I remember going to a priest 's funeral once , but it seemed big and impersonal . This Mormon wake was small and contained and there was a dead body right there in the room with us . I met him before and talked to him when he came to our house to pick my brother up . In fact , I had just seen him a few days ago . My brother was in the Big Brother / Big Sister program and they gave him this guy . He was a bishop or a deacon or whatever Mormon 's call their higher up guys . He seemed nice , but I never had time to get to know him . I don 't even remember his name . I wonder if my brother does ? He picked my brother up to go to a Big Brother / Big Sister picnic at Lake Pleasant . I don 't know what else happened , but I know that a bunch of them decided to swim out to an island . When Bill got there , he couldn 't find his big brother . No one else could either . His big brother never made it . He drowned on the way there , after swimming right next to my brother . So , we were at his wake and it was very small and his dead body was right there . His mother came up to us . She wore one of those big , several layered buns on the top of her head . She asked , " Did you say goodbye to him ? " I assumed she was talking to my brother and I stepped behind him , just in case she meant me . My brother mumbled something , like he always did . We could never understand him and I think he wanted it that way . " You should touch him , " his mother told us . She took both of our hands and walked us to the body . I was afraid of him . He was so pale . He didn 't even look real . " come on , " she insisted . I looked at my brother and he kept his eyes to the floor , but he put his hand on the dead man 's wrist . I didn 't think I could do it , but I looked at the woman and knew there was no getting out of Posted by My favorite bartender S . thought it was funny to take this Miss Lonelyhearts photo of me sitting alone at a table . Finalmente ! On Friday I was finally given my perfect nerd girl evening . It was exactly what I needed . My girls were safe and happy at a high school football game and I got my alone time . It was one of those moments I try to recognize for how wonderful they are when they 're happening . You know ? It 's so easy to remember the really horrible times or the dramatically great times , but I 'm almost happier with the quieter , less landmark times that aren 't quite as exciting , but every single part of it is exactly what I want to happen . That was Friday night for me . Everything transpired even better than I could have hoped . My favorite bartender S . humoring me by taking his turn posing for a Mr . Drunken Loser pic . Saturday was pretty damn good too . I can only do so much socializing before I shut - down , but my friend G . can keep going and going and going . . . So , she calls or emails or makes me go out one night per week and relates all of her incredibly dramatic experiences to me and I can still stay home and read books every other night . It 's perfect . And that was pretty much my Saturday night . We went out and I had my couple of beers , and a fun talk with G . and when I started getting tired , G . had found some other friends to play with , so I was able to take a ride home with my friend Rachie who was in town for the weekend . Today I got to spend some time with the girls . I still can 't believe how wonderful the weather has been all week . When the girls were younger , we would have gone hiking or bike riding , but now that they 're in high school , it 's a lot harder to schedule those things . I did grill burgers and I still tried to keep my Sunday dinner tradition up . During the week , it 's hard to schedule dinner all together because of practice schedules and team dinners for whatever sports they 're in , but I make sure we get our Sunday dinner together . I know that makes me corny and dorky , but my girls seem to appreciate itPosted by Here is the tippy top of a teepee . Well , kids . This week has officially wiped me out . . . For many reasons . Some of it was just not having any time anymore . I got so spoiled over the Summer . But now we 're back to me running the minute I get home from work , then taking off to Coadster 's time trials or to pick someone up from weight lifting or dropping them off for some student ambassador activity or choir practice . . . It 's never ending . Anyway , I 'm tired and this post should be short , but not necessarily all that sweet . On the positive side , I got out of working the football game tomorrow night . I plan on giving my perfect nerd girl evening another try . Of course , I have to get up at 6 am on Saturday to get Coadster to a bus at 6 : 15 that will take her to her first cross country meet . Then take Stinky across town to work hawking Hawkeye paraphernalia at the college football game . So , my nerd girl evening will have to end much earlier than I 'd like , but if I 'm this tired tomorrow night , I 'll probably fall asleep reading by 7 pm anyway . Okay , you know the drill . Let me know your three day weekend plans . Will you finally catch up on sleep or will you continue the frantic pace of the work week ? Here is a butterfly on a flower . When your mind wanders , where does it go ? At our retreat today , we had a wellness helper / expert visit and teach us yoga exercises we could do at our desks at work . It was actually pretty cool . I 've never really been super interested in yoga before . It just seemed like for a while there , everyone was doing it and since I have to be difficult , that meant I couldn 't . Plus , there 's all that sitting still that I have a really hard time with . Here is some fungus on a tree . The woman who coached us told us to concentrate on our breathing and try to clear our heads of all thoughts . The breathing part reminded me of when I used to be a patient advocate helping people get through procedures that doctors liked to describe as uncomfortable , but most patients thought were just plain painful . I always tried to get them to work on their breathing too . " Take long deep breaths . In through your nose and out through your mouth . . . . " I used the same technique on Coadster when she was younger and would get too tired or have a meltdown , just to calm her down . One time when she was feeling particularly stubborn she told me , " No . I 'm not going to do it . I 'm not breathing anymore ! " I had to hide my face in my sleeve so she wouldn 't see me laughing . Shit . All those memories weren 't helping me clear my mind . If there was only an off switch for my brain , I would be the happiest girl alive . When I really tried , the closest I could get was to think about running . It doesn 't happen all the time , but once in a while when the weather is nice , and there 's a light breeze against me and I 've run long enough for my endorphins to kick in , I get to a place where I can 't feel even the slightest pain , and I have a hard time remembering where I am exactly ( even though I run almost the same route every day ) . My mind isn 't completely clear , but it 's as close to an off switch as I 'll ever get . Here are some lonely boats . I 'm sure it 's the time of year , but I can feel people pulling me into the world of forced social engagements . I have my Fall retreat at work tomorrow , my friend wants me to work concessions at a high school football game on Friday and then there 's the show choir potluck on Sunday . If I 've said it once , I 've said it a million times ; I 'm not a joiner . I do try to show up and support my girls in whatever they 're doing , ( I just spent two hours today at cross country time trials ) and I volunteer to do stuff that I know a lot of my coworkers aren 't into . It 's just all the " getting to know you " exercises , the events requiring name tags , and the forced socializing that I have problems with . Luckily , we don 't do any role playing exercises at our work retreats anymore . The last one we did made me want to stick forks in my temples . So , it really isn 't all that bad , and if I get sucked into working concessions at the football game , I 'll at least be with a friend of mine I 've known since college , I can just think of so many other things to occupy my time that wouldn 't be quite as painful . You know ? Okay , wish me luck at the prospect of less name tag wearing experiences in the future . |
Here is what it looks like to walk into a corn field this time of year . I live in a town full of freaks and bizarre incidences . . . For the most part . On Monday night when I was dropping my daughter off at show choir , we saw an animal control vehicle parked on the side of the road . Across the street , a guy in uniform was emerging from a yard with a large black bird he was holding upside down . At first , I thought it might be a very big raven , but as he got closer , I realized it was a chicken . Then on Dorky 's blog , he posted an article from our local paper about some weird rash of chickens running amuck around Iowa City . I never did find out if it was some kind of planned terrorist act by one of the groups trying to allow chickens in the city , or if a truck overturned somewhere . Here is some dried corn . On Tuesday , I was headed back to the office from the other building across the street . Some younger college aged girl stopped me , pointed to my basket and asked , " Hey , is that from CVS ? " I was confused because I work for a state institution that likes to use acronyms for everything . So , at first I thought she was asking me if I picked up some forms she needed from a certain area . I kept asking her what she meant . Finally she said , " I work at CVS and people are always stealing our red baskets . " She even stuck her finger in my face . Have I ever mentioned on here how much I hate it when people get in my face ? " Oh . Well , we 've been using this same basket for the last 7 years at least . . . Since CVS was still called Osco . And I highly doubt the university would steal it from your store . " She saw that I was really annoyed and finally backed off a little . When I started to walk away , she said , " They may have taken it by accident , you know . . . " Um , okay . What is wrong with people ? I 'm sure there are crazy people everywhere , but it just seems that our town has an unusually high concentration of them . Here is a barn and and a camper and some outbuildings . So , this frantic house hunting is taking up all of my time and energy . I looked at some houses today , and hopefully , I 'll look at more tomorrow . I can 't really write about it right now , because I haven 't had time to process it . Instead , I will post my next story installment that began last week . Here it is : The racetrack is made for adults . The fence that separates us from where the horses run is too high for me and Bill to see over . When the grownups get excited during a race , we stand up on the chairs to try to see , but the old men in the back seats get mad . " Sit down , you goddamn hippie kids ! " One of them yells and then they throw their racing forms and plastic cups that used to hold beer at us and we have to step down . We start doing this thing we do when we get bored at the track . Me and my brother wrap the bottom of our t - shirts around our arms to make a bag . We walk around the seats and pick up the stubs to the racing tickets and put them in the bags we made . When our bags get too full we take our arms out of our t - shirts and stretch the bottoms really tight . The stubs go flying into the air and we start again . Sometimes this is fun and sometimes it isn 't , but we do it anyway . It 's like the way I touch the cup of skin between my nose and lip . When I start , it helps me helps me feel better , then after a while my finger gets tired but it 's hard to stop . That 's what picking up the stubs is like and we keep at it until my Uncle Jack sees us . " You guys are still here ? " He asks and we don 't say anything back . Instead we look down because we know we 're not supposed to be here . " Maybe you should tell your dad to meet me in my office in ten minutes and we 'll go to Riata Pass to eat . " He 's trying to sound cheerful , but I can tell by the way his jaw is stiff that he 's mad . My brother is going to tell our father we should go . I would , but I don 't want him to be mad at me and my brother doesn 't care . " Hey , Dad , " my brother says , but he 's too quiet . He clears his throat aPosted by Here is a sign either pointing to Kansas City or showing you the way to the lead singer of the Sunshine Band . I 've always dreamed of houses . Big , rambling , impractical houses with secret passages and miles and miles of twisted hallways . At some point in every dream , I realize that I have an apartment , and so the big rambling house , really couldn 't be mine . I wonder if I 'll still dream like that if I actually buy my own home . Today I met with the realtor and her assistant at lunch . They asked me what I was looking for in a house . I assumed they meant , what was I looking for in a home I could afford . I 've thought about it a lot lately , as I obsess over the realty sites in my town . Ideally , I 'd like a two bedroom bungalow with hardwood floors . It wouldn 't have to be that big , as long as it didn 't need a ton of work . I guess , if it were possible , I wouldn 't mind one of those extra upstairs rooms that Stinky likes to refer to as a teen room . As in , " Hey , mom . If we get that one house , can that big upstairs room be my teen room ? " I told the realtors that I didn 't have to have a garage , but after being without one during the tornado , a basement would be very , very welcome . Oh , yeah . I don 't need a huge yard , but I 'd like enough of one to have a garden . I would settle for a decent Ranch style home too . In order to get the tax credit , the realtor said I had just about 3 weeks to find a house in my price range . Eek ! That doesn 't give me much time . They seemed pretty confident that I 'd be able to find something and they were going to get back to me on when we can actually go out and start looking . I 'll keep you all posted on the process . This is what parts of Iowa look like in the Fall . Look . I finally got around to taking some outdoor pics today . This weekend was packed with so much stuff , it felt a lot like a clown car . So , in the interest of now trying to fit it all into one blog post , I will use a nice little series of numbers . 1 . ) I got off work at noon on Friday and met with a loan officer . He pre - approved me for a home loan . Yea ! 2 . ) I called my brother to get help on what to do next and how all this house buying stuff was supposed to work . 3 . ) I got the name of a realtor and contacted said person . We set up a time and place to meet on Monday to get the ball rolling . 4 . ) I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned . The dental hygenist praised me on how well I took care of my teeth . It made me wonder how bad some other people 's teeth must be and then I promptly shuddered . 5 . ) After Coadster got home from cross country practice , we went out for steak to celebrate Stinky 's birthday . It was very , very good . 6 . ) Once I got Stinky to her friend 's house and Coadster was getting ready for bed , a friend invited me to come over and drink some beer . This particular friend just happens to be extremely knowledgeable about almost everything I 'm interested in . So , it was great to have someone to talk and get excited about everything with . And since this friend also makes me laugh harder than anyone I know , it was a perfect end to my day . Here we are with the birthday girl . 1 . ) On Saturday I looked at a bunch of on - line real estate sites that the above mentioned friend sent me . I picked out the houses I was interested in and sent the list in an email to my realtor . 2 . ) I ran my six mile route and felt really strong . 3 . ) Did some cleaning and made lunch and ran kids around for much of my afternoon . 4 . ) Missed the early beginning of my friend J . 's birthday because I was busy on mom duty . 5 . ) Caught the last half of J . s birthday down at the Dublin . I knew it was going to be an interesting evening when my friend G . and I were walking toward the Dublin and two guys stoppPosted by Now I 'm resorting to boring photos of water and trees . This week I finally decided to get my shit together and actually go talk to banks about getting a home loan . Tomorrow I 'm taking a half day of vacation , but before you go getting all jealous , let me tell you that I 'm going to talk to two different lenders and then going to the dentist . Yeah . Now , how jealous are you ? That 's what I thought . I 've spent a lot of time on the internet this week looking at lender and housing options and my head might just explode before I get anywhere near buying a house . My brother said that I 'd get a loan , but it might not be enough for what I want and where I want to live . I 'll probably burn some more vacation time next week talking to a couple more lenders . My friend who talked to me about this a couple of weeks ago , told me to shop around , so that 's what I 'm doing . I figure if I don 't get what I want right now , I 'll still be in the place I am now , but much better educated . And where I am right now is just fine . I love where I live , it 's just that I 'd rather stop throwing money away , and I have very little time to try to get that first time home buyer tax credit . I 'm just going to throw it all up in the air and see how it lands . But enough of that . It 's the weekend . Woot ! After all the practical crap tomorrow , the girls and I will finally go out for dinner to celebrate Stinky 's birthday . I 'm not sure what else I 'm doing tomorrow night . The girls may have plans with their friends after dinner , and I 'll just decide when I know their schedules . On Saturday , I 'd like to do another double work - out running and biking . If it rains , I 'll have to change that around and maybe swim instead . My friend G . gets back on Saturday night and she has told me she expects an email from me waiting for her and to go out on Saturday night . So there . I might be ready for a beer or two . I feel like I 'm working really hard parenting and training and writing and researching home loans and Iowa City properties , that I 'll be very ready to blow off some steam oPosted by Here is a picture of my brother when he was very young . One of these days I 'll actually take some pics , so I don 't have to keep recycling these old ones . So , remember how I posted part of that story I entitled 1969 ? Well , since I 'm reworking the whole thing , I thought I 'd get all crazy and start posting it from the beginning . Chronological order . Weird . I 'll try to post it every week as I work on it . Just a reminder , it 's mostly fiction with some fact or someone 's memories thrown in for fun . Here we go : I am eight years old today . My mom had to work , so we will have my party tomorrow . My dad was supposed to get my cake and decorations but he wanted to stop at the track for just a minute and now I think he forgot . Bill says not to worry about it . Our mom will take care of it later . She will be mad , but she 'll get everything I need for my party . Now , Bill says we should go watch the races for a while and I can have my birthday tomorrow . We go to tell my dad that we are going up front to see better . He is watching the horses . The old men at the track call them ponies . When there is a race going , he won 't look anywhere else until the last horse crosses in front of him . Sometimes he won 't look up then . He will just stare and stare . He won 't look up even if I stand in front of him and scream right in his face . I know because I did it once and he didn 't blink . He doesn 't do anything when we say where we 're going , so we know we can do whatever we want now . My father used to work at the racetrack taking pictures of the winning horses . I don 't know why he doesn 't anymore , but my uncle still does and that 's why we get to sit in the VIP section . VIP doesn 't mean vice president . When I tell my brother that 's what I think it means , he calls me stupid and now I don 't think that anymore . " It means very important people , " Bill says and laughs the way he does when he hates my father . I know better to ask why it 's funny that we sit in the very important people section . That 's probably more than enough for now . Tune in next week when our Posted by I don 't have any photos of me actually working at the clinic , but this recycled photo was taken at that same time . I 've been on kind of a roll with the writing lately . I was dormant with it for so long , that now I feel very much awake and full of ideas . I work them out a lot when I 'm running or riding my bike . I seem to think better when I 'm moving . So , I 'll be posting bits and pieces of some of the new stuff I 'm working on and the old stuff I 'm reworking . I wrote a little about Stinky 's illness yesterday . I worked at the clinic at the same time and many nights I slept at the hospital , woke up , and walked down the hall to work at the clinic all day . So , I started working on a piece about advocating for patients and then suddenly being on the other end of that . Some of it is fiction and some isn 't . Here 's a bit of it : My primary doctor told me that my main job was to make " nicey nice " with the patients . That doctor was an incredible gynecologist and surgeon , but not much of a people person . I was actually , surprisingly really good at making " nicey nice " . I was never disingenuous or condescending . The tough part was distancing myself enough so that I didn 't absorb every heartbreaking situation I experienced , or I 'd end up in the fetal postion sucking my thumb at the end of eash day . It was a line I found myself crossing over way too often . Usually , I just tried to find out a little bit about the patient and help them the best I could . So , when my doctor would leave a room and say , " Hey , can you help me out ? I 've just explained her limited options to her about a hundred times and she doesn 't seem to get it . Can you go in there and help her understand and come up with a plan ? Thanks . Oh , and we need that room , so do you think you could do all of that as quickly as possible ? " I would do just that . Making " nicey nice " included many different scenarios . Once on the way to entering a room for an older woman 's appointment , her daughter - in - law stopped me and said , " Hi . I 'm sorry to bother you , but I just wanted to fill you in . Posted by Here is Stinky as a baby . I wouldn 't be surprised if she was trying to push the swing to make it go faster and higher . Well , kids . it 's time for another mushy , gushy birthday post . This time it might even be extra special cheesy for a few reasons . The first is that my baby is turning 16 this year , and once she starts driving , there 's no telling whether any of us will be around for her 17th , and if we are , I might be writing that post from my new digs with the nicely padded walls . Here is Stinky a few months before she got sick . The second reason is because February of this year marked the 10th anniversary of Stinky having meningitis . In March she got sick with very similar symptoms , and since we were told her chances of getting meningitis are higher because of her first incident , all of those feelings came back to haunt me . Luckily , it was a false alarm , but I was surprised how much Stinky remembered from that time . She still knows that hospital better than most of the people who work there , I bet . Here is Stinky at my family reunion in Breckenridge . She might be just a little off . I feel very lucky for every day I 've had with her . . . Although , with her tendency for boundary pushing , I have to really remind myself sometimes . No . She 's a great kid . She 's goofy and silly and quirky and all of those things I can relate to . And if nothing else , I think her illness has taught her to grab life with both hands and not just appreciate every day of it , but make it her bitch . Stinky at her dad 's house on Halloween . It 's her favorite holiday and this was her favorite costume . She got to combine being creepy with wearing a " pretty " dress . She went as a dead bride that year , and all day at work , I was afraid her school was going to call me and make me change her into something a little less offensive . This year , like the year she was born , Stinky 's birthday falls on the first day of Fall . It also just happens to be her favorite season . She loves the changing of the leaves and football season and especially Halloween . When my girls werPosted by Here I am next to a gigantic foam finger . It 's part of a promo we 're doing to get students involved in campus activities . I 'm not sure who thought seeing a guy walking around campus dressed like this would be motivating , just know it wasn 't me . So , kids . This weekend turned out differently than I had planned . Coadster babysat for Mr Creekside Review and his wife on Friday night . Their son is adorable and sweet and Coadster loves hanging out with him . She said he was quoting Kung Fu Panda all night and that just happens to be one of her favorite movies too . It sounds like she had a great night . Stinky asked if I 'd take her Homecoming dress shopping , so I did . She didn 't find anything she really liked , and I was too tired to keep going , so we went home and started watching Quarantine . As I 've said before , I do like a good zombie movie . Too bad Quarantine wasn 't one of them . I hate it when the plot is driven by people being stupid . I couldn 't even finish it , I was so annoyed with it . Stinky had already seen it , was exhausted and had to get up early the next morning , so we were both fine with turning it off . Saturday was a very active day for me . I went for a long bike ride on Saturday morning and my 6 mile run in the afternoon . I swear , if I didn 't have to work an office job , I 'd start every morning off with an hour or two long bike ride . It felt so great . Around 7 : 30 , my friend D . called me to say that she and our friend E . had just been hanging out at the Magic Bus during the game , were heading down to the Dublin and wanted to know if I would join them . Ah , what the hell . I waited for Stinky to get off work , and then dropped her off at her friend 's house and headed down . I 'm glad I did , since there were a lot of people I knew there . Of course , by the time I got there , E . was already heading home with her husband , but D . was there for the duration . A little before midnight , I got a call from a friend of mine asking me where I was . She was having boy troubles and wanted to know if she could come down and talk to me abouPosted by Here is a mini disco ball on a table full of abandoned cups . So , I went to Coadster 's cross country meet today . I know it makes me a dork , but it got me all excited about racing . Her team is huge and great and really supportive of each other . Before the race started , all 70 girls got in a big circle to help each other gear up . One of the moms and I double dog dared her husband to get in the middle of the circle and do the worm or break dance . He said he didn 't think it would be worth the therapy bills he 'd need to pay for his daughter . I guess he had a point . My friend G . , the activities director and my link to society will be out of town this weekend . She 's always great about getting me out of my house and makes plans every Saturday . She 's really good for me that way . As I 've said before , most of my interests are pretty solitary endeavors and I do need my alone time , but when I don 't make myself socialize , I live in my scary brain too much and it makes me even weirder . Who even knew that was possible ? Right now , I don 't have any social plans for this weekend . If someone calls or texts me and asks me to do something , I 'll definitely consider it . I just haven 't actively sought anything out is all . I think I 'll use this weekend to regroup and take care of my house , both literally and in that literary gothic sense where it represents my psyche . Which is just a fancy way of saying I 'll be cleaning and working on my shit . Coadster is babysitting for my blogging buddy at Creekside Review on Friday night . Stinky and I will have some alone time together , but we haven 't figured out exactly what we 'll do with it yet . I 'll have to wake up early on Saturday morning to get Stinky to her job and Coadster to cross country practice . Then I 'm going to try to ride a hilly route some of my cyclist friends told me about . It should be really pretty this time of year too . I need to be back to get Coadster from cross country practice to the same job where Stinky will be working . Then later in the afternoon , I 'll do my 6 mile run . Saturday nPosted by Here are some people at the beach . A place where I 'd like to be right now . So , you know how I 'm kind of socially retarded , right ? Well , today it seemed like everyone else was even weirder than me . I was in an alternate universe , where I was the normal person . . . Okay , I won 't go that far , but there were people walking around the planet who made me look almost normal . The minute I stepped on campus , I realized the Gideon bible guys were out in full force . They are generally nice , polite , older gentleman in suits . I 've worked at this particular institute of higher learning for many , many years , so I know the drill . I take the first little green book offered me , and wave it at all the other guys trying to give me the same thing . When I got up to my building , I noticed a guy standing in front , looking toward the sky . At first I thought he might be looking for the hawk that used to fly around the museum across the street , but he was looking past it . I approached two other women who work in my building and asked , " So , is that guy just trying to see how many people he can make look up this morning ? " " No . Margaret said she asked him what he was doing and he told her he was looking for the moon so he could see Jupiter . If he wanted to see all that , you 'd think he would have started a little earlier . . . Like before sunrise , " one of my co - workers replied * * * I think I 've told you that after lunch I walk across the street with a little red shopping basket to pick - up all of our afternoon computer print - outs . Well , today I noticed a car politely waiting for me to cross the street . I didn 't pay much attention to it , until the driver yelled out the window , " City High cross country ! Wooooo ! " I looked up and realized the guy was my friend and co - worker T - Rip 's boyfriend and he was referring to my Facebook status update . Then I remembered that I saw a Facebook reminder for him too . " Hey ! Happy birthday , M ! " I said . As I walked into the other building , I wondered if we would have said anything to each other besides hi , if Facebook didn 't exiPosted by Here are some pretty flowers that have nothing to do with my post . What else is new ? Okay , I went back to my old short story vault and pulled out part of a different story than last week . I posted this a couple of years ago too . So , I apologize to any of you people who have been reading my blog for the last three years or so . . . Actually , I should probably apologize to you every day , huh ? Anyway , this is pretty much pure fiction . I 'm too young to remember the moon landing . ( believe it or not ) and so I made up a bunch of shit around it . Too bad I forgot I wrote this . It would have been perfect during the anniversary in July . Here goes : 1969Tonight is a big deal . My dad keeps telling us , " Kids , remember this . This is a very big deal . " My brother rolls his eyes and walks into his room . I stay in the living room so I can be where everyone else is . I 'm afraid to miss it . It is a very big deal . My mom has set up the card table so she can put all the food she made on it . My grandma and my Uncle Jack and my Aunt Lee are coming over . My Aunt Lee is divorced and everyone says it in a whisper like it 's secret and we can 't say it around her because it might make her feel bad . Her daughter is a year older than my brother . She will never play with me . After they get here , my cousin goes off with my brother and they shoot things with their slingshots . I don 't even try to tag along because I know they will start shooting at me . My mom touches or winks at me every time she comes out of the kitchen with potato salad , or Jello or bread or deviled eggs . My dad likes very dark bread and brown mustard , so we always have to have it , but my mom doesn 't make me eat it or I 'll throw up . He also eats peanuts in the shell and all of our ashtrays are full of empty shells . There 's almost no room for cigarettes or ashes . Once the whole family arrives , my dad and my Uncle Jack talk about politics and everyone tries to get them to change the subject because they don 't agree . There is so much cigarette smoke everywhere that my eyes bPosted by Here is the back of a boat house . I thought I 'd do another quaint writing exercise this week on the nature of pain . What was last week 's again ? Oh yeah . I talked about touching a dead body when I was kid . One of these days , I 'll surprise the hell out of all y ' all and write about rainbows and unicorns . Of course , rainbows are just illusions and unicorns creep me out , so I doubt my take will be very sweet . If you only know me from my blog , I swear to god that in real life I 'm fun and happy and hopeful . . It just seems like writing brings up the dark sludge in me . Here it is : You are quite familiar with physical pain . It used to be part of your job . When you would assess patients with pain complaints , you knew just what to ask them . Was it sharp and stabbing , radiating or crushing ? On a scale of one to ten where 10 is the worst pain imaginable and one is normal , how would you rank your pain ? ( just another reason to hate math and numbers ) You 've felt it yourself . Mostly through your migraines . That sharp stabbing pain in your sinus cavity so intense it makes you throw up and pass - out , getting dragged underneath a buggy and losing layers of skin on your left leg , and 36 hours of labor . On a scale from one to ten where ten is the worst pain imaginable , you 'd give those a 20 . The crazy thing about physical pain , is that once it 's gone , it 's hard to remember what it felt like exactly . Which is probably the only reason women have more than one child . You know it hurt , you know it was unpleasant , but you can 't make yourself really feel it again even minutes after it 's gone . Emotional pain is a different beast altogether . Years and years after you 've experienced it , you feel it exactly like you did the first time - sharp and stabbing in your stomach , crushing your chest and radiating throughout your body . And now for something completely different . . . I 'm going to take a weekly count for training purposes : This week I ran 41 miles , rode only 10 miles on my bike and sacrificed my lap swim to a Stinky girl 's stomach flu . My iPod playePosted by Here is a group shot , so you can see tons of scary 80 's wear . Man , I wish I had an extra day for this weekend too . It 's been great , I just always try to pack so much into it . I 'd love an extra day to get it all done . So , Friday ? Well , at first both the girls were going to drive to the town a half hour from us to watch the football game , then neither of them were going . It finally went down that Stinky went to sleepover at a friend 's house and Coadster stayed home with me . We got a pizza delivered and watched a movie . She had to take the ACT test in the morning , so she wanted to just shut her brain off before she had to crank it up in the morning . Of course , that means I didn 't get to read as much of my book as a I wanted , but I try to take full advantage of any time I can get with my girls . I 'll for sure finish it this week , though . As you all know , you need a seriously ozone depleting amount of Aquanette to host a successful 80 's party . Saturday was crazy busy and that was mostly my fault . Lately , I 've been feeling great and in good shape and it affects everything else with me , not just physically , but mentally and emotionally too . I REALLY don 't want to lose that over the Winter . So , I thought a good way to keep me on a roll , was to decide to do a triathlon next year . I hate to be bad at stuff , so I 'm thinking if I commit to a triathlon , I 'll keep up with training work - outs all Winter long and I 'll stay in shape , which will keep me happy and well - adjusted ( well , as I can be , anyway ) . I guess we 'll see how that goes when the snow and ice starts flying . Anyway , I added biking and swimming to my running and it cut into my time to do other things , but by Saturday afternoon , I was flying high on endorphins - my drug of choice . Here was my 80 's party attire . On Saturday night I went to the 80 's party and it was all different kinds of fun . Everybody made white trash casseroles , and there wasn 't just Mad Dog 20 / 20 , there were Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers too . Yeah , they covered all the bases . Many of my favorite people werePosted by Here 's me at the ass - end of the 80 's . Good lord ! Check out my hair . So , tonight was a really odd running experience . I think I 've told you about 8 , 421 times before that I 've been running the same route for over twenty years , right ? So , a lot of people who live along it , think they know me , even though we 've never spoken before . It 's great for safety reasons . As I was running today , a woman stopped me to tell me she thought I looked incredible . Normally , I don 't like to stop at all during my run , but if I had to , I suppose there are worse reasons . Then a bunch of people I don 't know waved or " Woo - Hoo ' ed " me . By the time I hit Summit Street , I saw a guy riding a bike with his kid in a trailer . He waved , and I waved back with no recognition . He looked at me more closely and I figured out that not only did I know him , he was dating my friend Marla and was there when Coadster and I had the horse and buggy accident . I hadn 't seen him since the John Irving reading almost two years ago . Talk about synchronicity . Weird . Hey , is it the weekend already ? Sweet ! It snuck up on me , so I haven 't really thought about what I 'll do tomorrow night . I 'm sure it will be something crazy and exciting like staying home and reading and listening to music . I still haven 't finished Razor 's Edge yet , but I 'm at a really good place in the book , so I 'm hoping to finish it this weekend . Saturday my friends are having an 80 's party where that decade dress is required . Which could really mean anything . I went through so many different phases back then . I can promise you , I won 't be caught dead in a sweater vest and there 's no way in hell I 'm cutting my bangs again just for the occasion . I might just wear straight leg jeans , a Clash t - shirt , a pair of Chuck Taylor 's and tons of black eyeliner , because that 's what I wore for much of the mid - eighties anyway . My friend K . is talking about back combing her bangs and making her hair huge , and I can 't wait to see that . My girl crush is coming into town for it too . So , it should be a lot fun girls and silliPosted by Coadster in her bright pink hip spica cast shortly after the accident . So , I 've been inspired by a friend to start writing again . . . No , really writing . Not just jotting down blog posts in twenty minutes to document them for some fabled later date where I will have copious amounts of time to produce actual fiction . So , I pulled out my folder of old stories from when I used to try to write almost ten years ago . I hadn 't looked at most of them since then , and rereading them now , kind of made my stomach hurt , the writing was that bad . Luckily , it wasn 't all horrible and I think I can actually build something out of what I have . Since I mentioned the horse and buggy accident yesterday , I thought I 'd post a little of the story I wrote about that to piece together what actually happened . I posted it once a couple of years ago too , I think . I had a severe concussion and I was 27 years old , and I wasn 't sure if I even had a baby and if I did if she was still alive . So , you can read a little of this and see me at my spazziest . I know . Frightening . I think one of the big problems with this story is that it 's in the first person . It was important for me to piece together in that tense , but it doesn 't really work as a story . So , here is part of the original and if I think it 's worth rewriting , I 'll post the same snippet in the third person when I get it done . Just for fill - in ; we were on the buggy with this woman named Marla who worked with me at the coffee / ice cream shop . A guy named Arlen was driving the buggy when the horses got loose . We just happened to be going down a steep hill at the time . Ready ? Okaaay ! : " Ah Hell , " Arlen says . I see the horses running off , no longer connected to the buggy . Arlen is yanked out of the wagon still steadfastly holding on to the reins and trails behind the horses before he is left with a dislocated shoulder and broken arm in their wake . The buggy keeps going faster . " Shit ! " Marla yells and jumps off the side . Coadster and I are alone . She is crying . I think I am too . We are going too fast now fPosted by Another recycled photo of me in pigtails in white with my cousins wearing their best disco shirts . What the hell . I guess I 'll just talk about Facebook again . As I 've said before , I both love and get annoyed with it . I don 't really even know a lot of my " friends " . People ask me to friend them , and if we share other contacts , I usually just do it . I moved around a lot and sometimes I don 't remember all the people I 've worked with , lived by or waited on . So , there are a lot of people I may or may not know asking me to play Mafia Wars or accept their Little Green Plants , or go to their musical events . Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for me and I stay off of Facebook unless I get a message or someone comments on my shit . I have a hard time staying mad at Facebook , however . For one thing , it is physically impossible for me to carry a grudge , for another , it has also been really great for me by reestablishing old friendships and staying connected with current friends and family . I 'm not the best at calling or emailing people , so I can use my 15 minute breaks at work or my lunch to wish people happy birthdays , " like " their photos or links and comment on their status updates . This week Facebook has been really weird for me . I found the friend who 's parents owned the acreage where Coadster and I got into that horse and buggy accident when she was a baby . I 'll talk more about that tomorrow . Tonight , though ? Tonight I got a request from my best friend when I lived in Chicago . My mom died right before Halloween when I was in fifth grade . Shortly after that , we moved from Arizona to live in a suburb on the Southside of Chicago with my aunt and uncle who apparently found it very difficult to be nice to us . I really needed a friend and I found one in Cindy . She was the only other nerdy , book reading girl like me in my new school . At one point , she asked me to tell her my favorite book and she would read it and tell me what she thought . She told me hers , but it was Harriet the Spy and I had already read it . I told her the title Posted by Here is some graffiti . I think I 'm going to do a weird , morbid writing exercise tonight . It 's what I can remember , with a little artistic license thrown in - you know how I usually do it . Enjoy : I had never been to a Mormon wake before . I don 't think I 'd actually been to any kind of wake before . I remember going to a priest 's funeral once , but it seemed big and impersonal . This Mormon wake was small and contained and there was a dead body right there in the room with us . I met him before and talked to him when he came to our house to pick my brother up . In fact , I had just seen him a few days ago . My brother was in the Big Brother / Big Sister program and they gave him this guy . He was a bishop or a deacon or whatever Mormon 's call their higher up guys . He seemed nice , but I never had time to get to know him . I don 't even remember his name . I wonder if my brother does ? He picked my brother up to go to a Big Brother / Big Sister picnic at Lake Pleasant . I don 't know what else happened , but I know that a bunch of them decided to swim out to an island . When Bill got there , he couldn 't find his big brother . No one else could either . His big brother never made it . He drowned on the way there , after swimming right next to my brother . So , we were at his wake and it was very small and his dead body was right there . His mother came up to us . She wore one of those big , several layered buns on the top of her head . She asked , " Did you say goodbye to him ? " I assumed she was talking to my brother and I stepped behind him , just in case she meant me . My brother mumbled something , like he always did . We could never understand him and I think he wanted it that way . " You should touch him , " his mother told us . She took both of our hands and walked us to the body . I was afraid of him . He was so pale . He didn 't even look real . " come on , " she insisted . I looked at my brother and he kept his eyes to the floor , but he put his hand on the dead man 's wrist . I didn 't think I could do it , but I looked at the woman and knew there was no getting out of Posted by My favorite bartender S . thought it was funny to take this Miss Lonelyhearts photo of me sitting alone at a table . Finalmente ! On Friday I was finally given my perfect nerd girl evening . It was exactly what I needed . My girls were safe and happy at a high school football game and I got my alone time . It was one of those moments I try to recognize for how wonderful they are when they 're happening . You know ? It 's so easy to remember the really horrible times or the dramatically great times , but I 'm almost happier with the quieter , less landmark times that aren 't quite as exciting , but every single part of it is exactly what I want to happen . That was Friday night for me . Everything transpired even better than I could have hoped . My favorite bartender S . humoring me by taking his turn posing for a Mr . Drunken Loser pic . Saturday was pretty damn good too . I can only do so much socializing before I shut - down , but my friend G . can keep going and going and going . . . So , she calls or emails or makes me go out one night per week and relates all of her incredibly dramatic experiences to me and I can still stay home and read books every other night . It 's perfect . And that was pretty much my Saturday night . We went out and I had my couple of beers , and a fun talk with G . and when I started getting tired , G . had found some other friends to play with , so I was able to take a ride home with my friend Rachie who was in town for the weekend . Today I got to spend some time with the girls . I still can 't believe how wonderful the weather has been all week . When the girls were younger , we would have gone hiking or bike riding , but now that they 're in high school , it 's a lot harder to schedule those things . I did grill burgers and I still tried to keep my Sunday dinner tradition up . During the week , it 's hard to schedule dinner all together because of practice schedules and team dinners for whatever sports they 're in , but I make sure we get our Sunday dinner together . I know that makes me corny and dorky , but my girls seem to appreciate itPosted by Here is the tippy top of a teepee . Well , kids . This week has officially wiped me out . . . For many reasons . Some of it was just not having any time anymore . I got so spoiled over the Summer . But now we 're back to me running the minute I get home from work , then taking off to Coadster 's time trials or to pick someone up from weight lifting or dropping them off for some student ambassador activity or choir practice . . . It 's never ending . Anyway , I 'm tired and this post should be short , but not necessarily all that sweet . On the positive side , I got out of working the football game tomorrow night . I plan on giving my perfect nerd girl evening another try . Of course , I have to get up at 6 am on Saturday to get Coadster to a bus at 6 : 15 that will take her to her first cross country meet . Then take Stinky across town to work hawking Hawkeye paraphernalia at the college football game . So , my nerd girl evening will have to end much earlier than I 'd like , but if I 'm this tired tomorrow night , I 'll probably fall asleep reading by 7 pm anyway . Okay , you know the drill . Let me know your three day weekend plans . Will you finally catch up on sleep or will you continue the frantic pace of the work week ? Here is a butterfly on a flower . When your mind wanders , where does it go ? At our retreat today , we had a wellness helper / expert visit and teach us yoga exercises we could do at our desks at work . It was actually pretty cool . I 've never really been super interested in yoga before . It just seemed like for a while there , everyone was doing it and since I have to be difficult , that meant I couldn 't . Plus , there 's all that sitting still that I have a really hard time with . Here is some fungus on a tree . The woman who coached us told us to concentrate on our breathing and try to clear our heads of all thoughts . The breathing part reminded me of when I used to be a patient advocate helping people get through procedures that doctors liked to describe as uncomfortable , but most patients thought were just plain painful . I always tried to get them to work on their breathing too . " Take long deep breaths . In through your nose and out through your mouth . . . . " I used the same technique on Coadster when she was younger and would get too tired or have a meltdown , just to calm her down . One time when she was feeling particularly stubborn she told me , " No . I 'm not going to do it . I 'm not breathing anymore ! " I had to hide my face in my sleeve so she wouldn 't see me laughing . Shit . All those memories weren 't helping me clear my mind . If there was only an off switch for my brain , I would be the happiest girl alive . When I really tried , the closest I could get was to think about running . It doesn 't happen all the time , but once in a while when the weather is nice , and there 's a light breeze against me and I 've run long enough for my endorphins to kick in , I get to a place where I can 't feel even the slightest pain , and I have a hard time remembering where I am exactly ( even though I run almost the same route every day ) . My mind isn 't completely clear , but it 's as close to an off switch as I 'll ever get . Here are some lonely boats . I 'm sure it 's the time of year , but I can feel people pulling me into the world of forced social engagements . I have my Fall retreat at work tomorrow , my friend wants me to work concessions at a high school football game on Friday and then there 's the show choir potluck on Sunday . If I 've said it once , I 've said it a million times ; I 'm not a joiner . I do try to show up and support my girls in whatever they 're doing , ( I just spent two hours today at cross country time trials ) and I volunteer to do stuff that I know a lot of my coworkers aren 't into . It 's just all the " getting to know you " exercises , the events requiring name tags , and the forced socializing that I have problems with . Luckily , we don 't do any role playing exercises at our work retreats anymore . The last one we did made me want to stick forks in my temples . So , it really isn 't all that bad , and if I get sucked into working concessions at the football game , I 'll at least be with a friend of mine I 've known since college , I can just think of so many other things to occupy my time that wouldn 't be quite as painful . You know ? Okay , wish me luck at the prospect of less name tag wearing experiences in the future . |
Today has been gloriously productive . I got some laundry done , caught up on email , baked brownies , read my favorite journals all leisurely - like over coffee , and updated the journal I write at babycenter . I let Joey help me make the brownies , since they 're for Eli 's birthday . I pulled a kitchen chair up to the counter and let him stir as I added the ingredients . He looked so adorable while he was stirring that I couldn 't handle it and so I had to immediately run for my camera . In the time it took for me to sprint to the table and return , Joey had lifted the spoon out of the bowl , dragged it over his chest and up his face and finally , into his mouth . He had fudge brownie mix in his eyelashes , but that didn 't even matter because as I was cleaning him up I realized that I let my child eat raw eggs ! I 'm not calling poison control yet , just watching for signs . I should 've known this would end badly . Just like coloring with crayons , painting with gel paints and playing with the PlayDoh Fun Factory . Something always goes fucking wrong . And of course , while I was standing there at the counter , inches away from Joey , contemplating how much damage a tiny bit of tainted egg could do to a toddler , the kid slipped off the chair . He was in his socks but he was so excited to be helping me bake that he was vibrating and sort of hopping up and down with delight . During one of his hops , his left foot slipped off the chair and down he went . He wasn 't hurt because the cabinet was there to break his fall . He just slowly slid down the cabinet door by his head and shoulders and landed on the floor on his bum with a little thud . Then of course he screamed for a few minutes because of the frustration of it all , especially when I moved the chair back into the dining room signaling the end of fun stirring time . Last week went by in a blur . My mom was in the ICU until Saturday , and then she was moved to intermediate care . She had a couple of small strokes brought on by pneumonia , but there isn 't any permanent damage except the strokes sent her heart into a weird rhythm that her doctors finally got back to normal yesterday . She 's still in the hospital but she will most likely be coming home sometime this week . I have so many screwed up feelings about what is going on right now . Luckily , Eli 's mom was around last night and she talked to me for a while and I felt so much better after that . My relationship with my mom hit bottom a few years ago when I began to realize that she is who she is and nothing I can say or do will ever change her . I began trying to let go of my anger toward her for not being a better human being , and for conducting herself with so little grace in this world that sometimes it 's hard to not punch her in the face when she says the things that are on her mind . To put it into perspective , I 've been more worried about my dad through all of this even though he is not the one physically suffering . Some people might take a serious illness as a turning point , and maybe try to heal and make some changes . But I have the feeling my mom is going to take the other road . The one where she turns every emotion she 's feeling into easy anger rather than dealing with feeling sad or scared or helpless . She will probably become even more angry and bitter and pissed off in the coming weeks , and I feel sick when I think of what my dad will have to deal with . I thought about getting my mom something to read like some kind of book that might bring inspiration or introspection ; of course this means something eastern . But everyone I mentioned it to who knows my mother just laughed at me and told me to stop trying to make things better . Have you ever seen the movie called What Dreams May Come ? When Chris ' wife kills herself and goes to hell , and he finds her but cannot get through to her ? THAT is what it is like trying to talk to my mom . Except without all the spiders . I have a rich inner life . It 's like this filter I have on the world where information , whether it 's a story someone is telling me or something I see , enters my mind and becomes warped into something entirely different . And the scenarios I imagine are endlessly amusing . And so I laugh , sometimes hysterically , when it is sometimes not appropriate . It 's why when my friend , who works with children with developmental challenges and drives around with her car packed with toys , called to tell me she was in an accident , I dissolved into hysterical laughter . It was all very serious until she got to the part where all of her toys flew out of her car and scattered all over the road during the impact , and she had to watch as cars driving by on the highway ran them over . An immediate picture flashed into my mind : a musical apple bobbling around in the road for a few seconds before being run down by a speeding Fed Ex truck . It 's why during a frightful snowstorm recently , when my dad called to tell me the plow ran down their mailbox , I immediately assumed the plow guy took a go at their mailbox on purpose . It had to be intentional because the mailbox sits atop a GRANITE post and is decorated with fluorescent labels and warning flags . So we talked about conspiracy theories for a moment until the thing I imagined next sent me into laughter so intense I tripped over Joey and we both fell into the Christmas tree . I imagined the mailman going to deliver the mail later that day and having to get out of his truck and crawl around on the ground digging to find the opening to their mailbox . Once when Eli and I were on the way to visit his parents , we saw a package lying in the middle of the street . I told Eli to stop the car so I could get it and when we opened it we realized we 'd scored two jars of designer meat marinade . There was no address on the box , but it was sealed so we took it home with us . When we read the label , we realized it was a special kind of marinade that you have to inject into a roaster . So we went to Walmart to buy a marinade injection kit and we couldn 't find the injection kits , even though several people assured us they really existed and we 'd be able to find them at Walmart . So I went up to a kid wearing a Walmart smock to explain what we were looking for . And if you 've ever shopped at Walmart , you know that the only thing an 18 year old Walmart kid can help you with is video games , but I figured what the hell , it was worth a shot . I explained that we needed to shoot up a chicken with an herb basil seasoning we found in the street so where are your chicken syringes ? The kid just stared at me until Eli leaned in and asked him where we could find meat thermometers . He figured they would be in the same section and he was right . The whole time we were in the store I couldn 't stop grinning about how stupid it was that we were buying a whole special instrument so that we 'd be able to use the seasoning we found on the ground . It 's so delightfully trashy . ( By the way , the chicken was amazing . Buttery and delicious ) A guy I used to work with had to wear an orthopedic boot on his foot because of an injury to his ankle and one time I was walking behind him on the stairs when his boot slipped and he slid down the last five stairs and slammed into the door at the bottom . I laughed so hard I bit my own tongue and I must have swallowed a bunch of air because I had horrible stomach cramps once the fit passed . I probably should 've offered sympathy rather than laughing in his face , but he executed the skid so gracefully it was like watching an Olympic event for the handicapped ( which , you can probably imagine , is exactly what was going through my mind . Full body cast pole vaulting ! ) I 'm trying hard to entertain myself today by thinking of things that are funny because everything has been pretty serious around here over the last few days . My mom got sick earlier this week with what we thought was just a cold . But then there was the fever and back pain and then she was confused and having trouble finishing her sentences . I 'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I just saw her on Sunday and she was fine and today she is in intensive care and her doctors are throwing around words like stroke and neurological damage . And also there may be something wrong with her heart . It 's hard to believe my mom is only sixty years old . This morning Joey woke up screaming in his bed at 6 : 15 . This is always the way . On the days I 'm off Joey is up at the crack of dawn , but when it 's Eli 's turn to be home with him , I creep around the house quietly getting ready for work and later I hear fantastic tales of how the baby slept in until 8 : 30 ! ! ! I 'm beginning to suspect that Eli wakes the kid up on my mornings home , and it probably happens when he is BLOWING HIS NOSE in the shower . A while back I made a list of my quirks ; the things about me that make me an annoying person to live with . And I promised to reveal some of Eli 's quirks , so maybe that 's where I should start . Eli is infinitely easier to live with than I am , I 'll just put that out there right off . He doesn 't trash the bathroom with his beauty products , he doesn 't soften his eyeliner on the lightbulbs , and if he lived here alone , the bathroom floor would be clean and smooth and not a sticky , gooey mess of spray gel buildup and hair balls . However , Eli is gross in his own special ways , and I should probably take a moment to tell you about it . As I mentioned above , he blows his nose in the shower . Every . Single . Morning . And it 's not just a gentle little blow . It is a blow forceful enough to clear every sinus in his head and it tapers out at the end into a grating honk that sounds like the mayday call of a ship trapped in fog or a flock of geese being clubbed . It is horrible . No matter what kind of shirt Eli wears , it can be a fuzzy sweatshirt or a plain old tee shirt , he ends up with a ball of fuzz in his belly button by the end of the day . The ball of fuzz is composed of stray hair and random lint and ever since I discovered this phenomenon ( end of the day belly button scum ) I go looking for it . I don 't know what 's special about Eli that he collects such an enormous amount of belly button lint throughout the day , but it disgusts and also fascinates me . I always have a clean button , and even if I tried to force a lintball to collect in my belly button by shoving starter lint in there in the morning , I 'd probably still end up empty by the end of the day . I think it has to do with the depth of the hole . He drinks the milk from his cereal . I know this is probably a very normal thing to do but it turns my stomach every time . I don 't like the idea of milk drinking to begin with , though I 've made some adjustments to my anti - milk attitude since Joey came on the scene with his baby habit of drinking gallons of the stuff all day long . But at least Joey 's milk is contained in a sippy cup and I can pretend that it is water . But when Eli finishes his cereal , and brings the bowl up to his lips to gulp down the leftover milk right out in the open , my stomach rolls and I wish for him to choke so that I will never have to see it again . But I suppose that would be worse because I can 't imagine having to resuscitate a person with a coating of cereal scum milk still on their lips . Every morning Eli makes sandwiches for his work lunch and leaves the knife he uses to spread the mayo on the counter . And sometimes the mayo smears on the counter and I touch it with my hand while I 'm making my coffee and then I feel gross all day long . I didn 't realize I have a problem with mayo until he started with the sandwiches . This may be my problem . Eli is losing his hair on his head but it 's starting to grow more rapidly everywhere else on his body . The most amusing thing to watch is Eli getting ready for a haircut . The first time I saw it I had to ask him what the hell he was doing with the razor on his ears . It turns out he grows long spindly hairs along the outside of his ears , you know , the shell part , and when he gets into the hairdresser 's chair the little hairs stick straight out and catch the light like his head is one of those glowing fiber optic balls . He also grows nose hair like nobody 's business and I 'm surprised he can smell anything at all from the amount of hair packed up in his snout . I 'm pretty sure he trims it because sometimes when we 're in the car I notice a stray hair that is creeping its way out of the protective shell of his nose and all I have to do is mention it and when I look the next time it 's gone . I 've also caught him grooming his eyebrows with his razor . I suspect if he went natural for about a month his entire head , from neck up would be completely covered in hair . Except for his upper skull . He will spend all day Sunday snacking on candy and when I suggest making something for dinner he looks at me like I 'm some kind of hungry cow who wants to eat all the time . " I 'm still full from lunch , aren 't you ? " And he will say this to me seven hours after our lunch of toast , while standing in the kitchen holding an M & M bag and chewing . Also on the same theme , he will drink five Pepsis and eat a pound of malted milk balls in the evening and then complain when he gets heartburn or a headache . Hmm . I thought there were more . Oh ! I thought of another one . This one is very specific , but troubling nonetheless . Sometimes when I am doing laundry at night , I tell Eli to take off his clothes so I can wash them . There 's nothing worse than finishing the laundry and then right before bed , Eli takes off his shirt and sweatshirt and jeans and socks and underwear and puts them in the laundry basket and then there 's a whole pile of dirty clothes when I just finished washing everything . So I tell him to strip and sometimes I touch his clothes too quick and they 're still warm from his body . Like warm socks and warm underwear . This one may also be my problem because I 'm pretty sure Eli can 't control the fact that he has body heat . Now I realize I 'm making it seem like I 'm Eli 's maid , shuttling his clothes straight from his body and into the washer . But this only happens when I go on a cleaning binge and I 'm having one of those days where I can 't tolerate having anything unclean in the house . This happens probably three times a year . So those are Eli 's quirks and now back to what I was originally talking about before my tangent . Joey is screaming in his crib , and I 'm trying to sleep since it is barely past six in the morning . So Eli takes Joey out of his crib and puts him in bed with me hoping that it will calm him down a little and he will go back to sleep in my arms . And it worked , because he calmed down and stopped screaming , but not because he was sleeping , but because he discovered my hair . A few strands had gotten loose from my ponytail and were swaying around in the air , so Joey spent a little time running his fingers over them before turning his concentration to freeing more strands from my pony tail . One by one , he slowly ran his baby fingers through my hair , tugging and freeing the strands , and yes , it was annoying , but not annoying enough to keep me from falling back asleep . I woke up twenty minutes later when Joey had managed to free enough hairs from my ponytail to wrap it around in his hands and start pulling at it violently like a rope . When I woke up , a big chunk of my hair was pulled out of my ponytail in the front and it was sticking out of my head in a frizzy mess from being caressed by little fingers . Kind of like when you run scissors along ribbon to make it curl . Except in this case , the ribbon was ATTACHED TO MY HEAD . Julian is a bad cat . He does things every day that make me want to kill him and it 's just a very good thing for him that he 's cute . Just a moment ago I looked down and saw Julian playing on the kitchen floor . He was running and sliding and flipping around on the tiles like a fish . A closer look revealed what was going on - he had gotten a hold of a tea bag and he 'd somehow managed to bite it open to get at the loose tea , which he then spread all over the kitchen floor so he could play in it . I called Eli in to look at what was happening in the kitchen and what he did is brilliant beyond words . Eli flipped Julian over onto his back and ran his body along the floor . Static electricity caused the loose tea to stick to Julian 's fur and once all the tea was stuck to the cat , Eli walked over to the basement door and put Julian down on the stairs . He 'll shake the tea off in the basement and we don 't have to sweep anything up . Brilliant ! I know a lot of you guys have kids , so if you know any books that are especially great , please suggest them to me . I 'm getting tired of the selection we have around here , and I 'm getting desperate . If I have to read Brown Bear , Brown Bear , What Do You See ? one more time I am going to set it on fire and hurl it off the back deck . And that will just scare the baby . Posted at 10 : 16 AM in family | Permalink I was going to spend Joey 's afternoon nap watching a movie . A chick flick ; a movie Eli won 't watch with me . I cleaned the house this morning and got the laundry going and after lunch , once I put Joey down for his long afternoon rest , I closed the shades , lit some candles , and settled in on the couch with my coffee for a nice , relaxing afternoon movie . I made it through twenty minutes and then I had to turn it off because it was so stupid . In case you 're wondering , the movie I rented is Must Love Dogs and it made me realize I Must Choose Better Movies . I thought about reading for a while , but I 've been reading too much lately . There shouldn 't be a thing as reading too much , but when you 're losing hours of your days and staying up late nights because you 've got your face stuck in a book , it 's maybe too much . I need to slow down and remind myself that the books will keep and I 'm not in a race to read the library . So I was looking around thinking about what I should do when I spotted an empty pill bottle lying on the floor where Joey had been playing with it before his nap . The kid likes toys , but he takes the most delight in snagging everyday household things to play with like measuring cups or toilet paper rolls and even my empty Dunkin Donuts coffee cups he sometimes manages to liberate from the trash . He walks around proudly clutching these things that are essentially trash , and if you try to get them away from him he throws screaming fits of baby rage . It 's just easier to let him be . I learned this earlier in the week when I had to let him drag a metal measuring cup around everywhere we went , including Target and the grocery store , because each time I tried to pry it out of his grip he 'd burst into tears like his heart was breaking into a million pieces . It 's just easier to grocery shop with a child banging a metal cup against the cart handle than listening to him scream his way through the store . I 've just learned to ignore the pitying looks of other shoppers who probably think I 'm too cheap to buy my kid some fucking toys to play with and instead give him any old piece of crap that 's lying around in the kitchen . So I decided to put together a box of random household items for Joey to play with . I went through the house looking for things that would meet two criteria : 1 ) must not be choking hazards 2 ) must not be toys ( in the traditional sense ) . I cleaned everything up and put it all in a big box and now I can 't wait for the kid to get up so we can have Trash Christmas . Eli and I went out last Saturday night and because of how little we actually do this - - get out of the house for fun things like hanging out in dark bars late at night drinking beer and listening to loud music without the fear of waking a baby - I didn 't want to come home . When I was a kid , we had to come in from playing at night once the streetlights came on . Last call is my adult streetlight and it 's still as painful as it was back when I was a child . I 'm never ready to call it a night . We went to see a band and after the band was done playing we went downstairs to the club . The DJ was playing terrible music so everyone was just standing around drinking beer while the lights flickered over the huge , deserted dance floor . It 's always the beer that does this to me , but as I looked out over the dance floor , I could feel my inner dancing queen revving up . I imagined myself out there , spinning and twirling under the lights and then suddenly I had to be on the dance floor . I tried to convince my friends that they should dance with me , but no one was drunk enough to get out on the dance floor alone in front of a bar full of people . I wasn 't either , but we were in a bar in a city we never hang out in , where no one knows us except for the people in our group . The perfect place for a disco solo . And it was AWESOME . I got a few cheers , but before I could do more Eli pulled my disco fabulous self off the dance floor and back to our table . Where I spent a little time explaining that I was not drunk . The music and lights just bring out my inner dance freak . When I went to the bathroom I found a blue glow necklace on the sink that someone had left behind and it was still glowing strong . I never stopped to wonder why there would be a glow necklace in the bathroom , I just put it on my neck and wore it for the rest of the night . And when we got home I kept it on and wore it to bed so Eli could find me in the covers when he got back from taking the babysitter home . I kept the necklace on even after he found me , and it needs to be said : there 's nothing like the blue glow shining off your lover 's skin to take sex to a whole new level . It 's like fucking a superhero . . . even though now that I 'm out of the moment , I can 't think of any glowing blue superheroes . Only muppets . I guess I may have been a little drunk . I 've decided that we need to make a habit of getting out a little more , and it would be fun to go to random bars in random cities where we can dominate the dance floor and shake our groove thang in complete anonymity . Unfortunately , Eli doesn 't like to dance so I 'll have to find a different date . But how do you go about wording something like that in a personals ad ? Probably keep it simple . Here are some photos from my camera . I take pictures all the time , but mostly in my house because I forget to bring the camera any time we do something interesting . I don 't have pictures of Joey 's first ride on a carousel horse , sledding in the snow , or playing with another baby at the park , but I do have hundreds of pictures of him eating in his high chair and standing in the living room . The state of my living room after a day of playing . It 's like living in a toy store . But in the evening , once Joey is in bed for the night , I gather up all the baby debris and deposit it all into a huge deck box in the corner of the living room and our home once again looks like a place where adults live . We bought the deck box because it 's huge and we thought we could fit all the toys in it . Since Christmas the box has become cramped and each night I have to get in there and dig around to reposition the toys and make them stop singing . This was a gift from my best friend for my birthday . It 's the most random present I 've ever received , which is why I cherish it . She said she knew right away that I would love it , and the weird thing is … I do . But I don 't know why . And yes , it 's really autographed . Now I 'm going to be receiving all kinds of mail from rabid Lisa K . fans and all I have to say is : Don 't bother , bitches , because you can 't have it . It 's MINE . And behind Lisa is the dopest lava lamp in existence . It 's over thirty years old and it still delights me as much as it did when I was a child and I would stare at it on my grandmother 's shelf for hours watching the lava stretch and twirl . I took a picture of it because with a toddler in the house , I can 't guarantee its survival . Jude and Ewan enjoying a relaxing Sunday morning in bed together . I keep this picture by my bed because when I look at it I know that everything is right in the world . Pipe cleaner animals are my favorite toy . First up we have the spider : My lunch . Rice , corn and salad . I tried to get Joey to eat some with me but he has developed an almost eerie intuition about healthy foods . He doesn 't even need to taste them to know he doesn 't want them in his mouth . Any time I try to approach him with something healthy , he clamps his lips shut tight before I can get a grain of rice or a piece of vegetable anywhere near his mouth . This is the sticky hand of a child eating a jelly sandwich for lunch . The default lunch food that always meets baby standards . Usually given after several failed attempts at healthier fare . It has been so warm lately that I was tricked into thinking it was spring . This is my new spring bag I bought the other day when I was out shopping for sunglasses . And of course , the minute I get my spring gear all ready , the temperature drops , the snow falls and I am reminded once again , it 's winter still , jackass . Okay I found one taken outside of my home . This is the park down the street where we go to hang out when the weather is nice . Joey ate his first worm here . It is also where he has had many violent confrontations with small friendly dogs who are stupid enough to approach him hoping for a friendly pat on the head , not realizing that toddlers do not pat dogs , they hit them . I tried to place Joey in the grass and have him sit there while I ran far away to take a picture that would look like he was all alone in a field . But every time I ran away , he would roll forward and start crawling after me screaming , and ruining the effect I was trying to achieve : Happy baby sitting alone in a field quietly pondering the meaning of life . Meanwhile , the child would happily break his own hand off at the wrist to get away from me whenever we 're walking around in a crowded place full of danger . Like the grocery store . Posted at 03 : 18 PM in home | Permalink I just took 90 pictures off my camera . Most of them were from the dodge ball tournament Joey and I had going this week after I bought a two - dollar plastic ball at Target . You know the balls they keep in those tall wire containers that are big and light like plastic balloons ? Best two bucks I 've ever spent . We had hours of fun kicking the ball around at each other in the house , and every time it ricocheted off something breakable like a glass candleholder or a window , I kept thinking about that episode of the Brady Bunch when the boys broke Carol 's vase with a basketball and Peter kept saying , " Mom always said , don 't play ball in the house . " And I was thinking about how Joey is lucky I 'm nothing like Carol Brady because my motto is more like " Let 's play ball in the house , and if something gets broken we can blame the kitties ! " I accused Eli of slipping something into my diet coke last night because I came home from work , drank a diet coke with some pizza and then fell asleep on the living room floor for an hour and a half . Joey was playing in my hair the whole time and jumping on my spine and I was still comfortable enough to sleep through it . When I woke up , Joey was in bed for the night , Eli was in the shower and Friends was on TV . I had carpet marks all over the side of my face that was smashed against the floor for 90 minutes and there was a wet spot next to my mouth from drooling in my sleep . This must be what narcolepsy feels like . I had a lot to do this morning and I blew it all off . I was supposed to go to the lab and have my fasting blood drawn , but I screwed up my fast when I ate a piece of pizza for breakfast . I promised myself I would go through the stacks of bills and try to make some sense of them . They 've been sitting in a pile on the table taunting me for a few days now , so to resolve that I moved them to a corner of the counter that 's hidden and put an oven mitt on them just in case I glance over . I used my bill time this morning to make two postcard secrets that I am going to mail later today . I know I 'm too late to make it into the video but maybe they 'll show up on the website . Anyway , I was going to show you some random pictures from my camera , but Joey is up from his nap . Next time … The days are going by so quickly lately . I feel like I roll out of bed , spend a couple of hours doing stuff , and then it 's time for dinner . Which is ridiculous because there are 12 hours in there that I 'm not noticing . Yesterday morning I went to leave for work but when I got out to my car I remembered that I forgot to take my medicine so I ran back inside . Eli and Joey were eating breakfast and Joey 's eyes lit up when he saw me walk through the door as Eli exclaimed , " Hey look Joey , Mama 's home from work already ! " The sad thing is , that 's what my life feels like lately , everything is accelerated and days pass by in a blur . What is happening to all the time ? I remember when I was in school or when I was pregnant and feeling every moment of every day pass as though I was trapped forever in the present and time was standing still . I wish for a day like that again . A day with so many hours to fill that it feels impossible to come up with enough to do to pass the time . And just this week two people asked me , in casual conversation , if I was still living at home with my parents . I don 't wear my wedding rings and I don 't have a baby strapped to my body when I 'm at work so I guess it 's not obvious that I am much to old to be still living with my parents . People who first meet me always assume I am a college student . When I laugh and say that I live with my husband and my son I get weird looks until I confess my age . As complimentary as it is to be told I look youthful , I 'm getting tired of having this conversation . Just as how I got tired of having the conversation about my military background . " You were a soldier ? " " Yes . " " No . . . " " Yes . " I don 't fit my stereotype very well . So it 's a small consolation that even though my life feels like it 's speeding away from me faster every day , my appearance doesn 't reveal my secret . If only I could get rid of this nagging fear that one day the years will catch up to me all at once and I will age two decades overnight . |
My blog about parenting biological and adopted kids , some with everyday kid issues and some with much more serious medical / behavioral issues . I don 't care if anyone else ever reads this , my main purpose is for me to have somewhere to vent some of my thoughts , frustrations and successes . If it sounds like I 'm complaining , I 'm not . My kids are everything to me , I love them more than anything , but sometimes I just need to let it all out ! Yesterday , my mom and I had made plans to go to a play at Luke 's high school . We were both looking forward to it . Alex had gone with a friend to see it on Friday and said it was really good . Well , we decided to go to the 2 : 00 show on Sunday . I got up later than I wanted to and I had to rush around to get ready in time because I had been up really late on Saturday night , talking to my sister on the phone . Her daughter had gotten hurt and she called for advice on whether or not she needed to take her to the ER . We ended up talking for about an hour and a half and I didn 't get to sleep until around 2 am . Then I was serving strawberry shortcake for dessert so I had to get the shortcake made before I left . I ended up getting out of the house right on time and we headed over to the high school , only to see a sign advertising the play . The sign said , Thursday and Friday at 7 : 30 , Saturday at 2 : 00 and 7 : 30 . Well , we were only 24 hours late ! We were disappointed and I was mad at myself because I 'm the one who looked on the internet and didn 't pay attention to the dates . Most plays are Friday , Saturday and Sunday , so I just assumed that was the case . We ended up going over to my sister 's house to show her and her husband the California pictures . My sister lived in Hollywood for about 4 years , so she was anxious to see them . Last week I had made plans to have lunch with two of Mike 's sisters today . One lives in Richmond and the other is visiting from Chicago . I forgot all about it ! I was getting in the shower and my cell phone rang and my sister - in - law says , " We 're here , when will you be ready ? " . I pretended that I hadn 't forgotten and told her I needed an hour . They were here shopping , anyway , so they didn 't mind waiting . As it turned out , even though I took an hour and 15 minutes ( more on that in a minute ) , they only got there 3 minutes before I did . We had a really nice lunch . I had a yummy pulled pork sandwich for lunch ( Boom , Jack ! ) . The food was good and I hadn 't seen Margaret in almost two years , so it was nice to getPosted by I 'm still working on getting over this cold . It isn 't a really bad one , but coupled with being tired from traveling , it has really knocked me out . I am still going to blog about my trip , but just not today . Alex is still sick , too , although he will be going back to school tomorrow because he is starting to feel better . I am about a day behind him with the cold , so I am hoping I will be feeling better by tomorrow , also . One of Mike 's sisters is coming in for the weekend to visit his other sister in Richmond and we might be getting together with them over the weekend , if no one is sick . Somewhere between Malibu and Ventura VenturaMalibu Malibu , to get an idea of how high up this was , those are two people walking along the beach . I planned to blog every day while I was here in California . Ha ! That didn 't quite work because we wanted to take advantage of every second that we had here . We have been getting up , getting ready and leaving the hotel as early as possible , to get as much in as we can . When we get home , we are exhausted and go straight to bed . With the careful scheduling , we have been able to get a lot of fun packed into a few short days . We have been up and down the coast and the only regrets are that we weren 't able to go further north and further south . I guess that means we will have to try to do this again at some point ! More details will follow , once I get home . I 'm hoping to do a day by day blog , so I won 't forget a thing ! I have a ton of pictures , I 'm not kidding , I think I have over 500 pictures already . Don 't worry , I won 't be posting them all ! Some I took for my sister , of the area where she used to live in Hollywood , so she can see how much it has changed or stayed the same , since she left 17 years ago . Here are a few previews ! I 'm on my way out the door for California . While I was getting ready and watching the local news , they had a report that a pedestrian had been killed just blocks from Steven 's new home . I had a few minutes of panic because Steven is always in that area , on his bike or on foot , since his car is inoperable . His bike is unsafe , no brakes , no lights , and probably no or few reflectors . The person was dead on the scene and the name wasn 't being released . I called Steven 's cell phone and got no answer . I called again and he answered . Whew ! He is fine , but actually was there last night and came upon the accident scene . He saw the body covered with a sheet . Thank God Steven is okay , but I feel so bad that someone was killed . California , here I come ! Happy 17th Birthday to Luke ! I don 't have time for details since I have to get to bed because I have a flight to California in the morning . I will try to blog when I get there . Hannah , 7 monthsThe whole family , minus Shauna . Hannah was only 3 weeks old . 12 / 1996Me , age 9 , in front of my favorite car , The Volksey , Spring , 1971My high school graduation , June 8 , 1979 . That is my best friend , Kathy , on the right . We are still friends . I 'm not sure what that is on her nose , it must have been on the lens . I 'm busy getting ready for my trip . I 'm going to see Alex 's play rehearsal tonight since I am going to miss the actual production when I 'm in California . They were supposed to have a performance last night , but then the play wasn 't ready ( due to the director having no clue as to what she is doing ) and so she changed that performance to next Tuesday . I purposely planned my trip around that performance , knowing I would have to miss the ones this weekend . I never heard of a director changing a performance date , so I didn 't even think about that possibility . I am upset that I won 't get to see the actual play or the understudy performance . Alex said today that he thinks they are recording it , so I hope I can purchase a copy . Tomorrow I have an IEP meeting for Shauna . I don 't really have time for that , but it is very important , so , of course , I will be there . I 'm anxious to get her IEP going so she will have some relief . She is very stressed out because she is working so hard and doesn 't get anywhere . Hannah is off with a middle school youth group from a local church . She attends every Wednesday and this week because the schools had an early release , they planned a trip to a nursing home to visit the elderly . Her friends , Bitch One and Bitch Two , who normally attend , decided not to go this week because they don 't want to visit old people . God forbid they would do something nice ! I was proud of Hannah for going anyway , even knowing that they wouldn 't be there . She felt a little funny about going completely on her own , without being sure if she would know anyone . She has really been looking forward to this , though , so I hope she is having a good time . She has had a rough few days , beginning on Sunday , but starting yesterday evening , things have really smoothed out for her . Her throat was much better this morning , so I think we are safe from strep , at least for the moment . Well , I have to get a grocery list going , so CUP has something to feed the kids while I 'm gone . That is the worst part of going away , planning and prepaPosted by The school nurse called today for me to pick Hannah up early because she has a sore throat . Hannah gets a lot of sore throats , which I think are phantom pains , related to her health issues . I asked the nurse if she really thought it was bad enough to bring her home and she told me that tons of kids have strep in the school . She said Hannah 's throat wasn 't " icky " , but that doesn 't mean she doesn 't have it . She also told me that normally Hannah comes to her office only once during the day for throat spray and today she came twice . Hannah also complained to me about a sore throat after school yesterday . I still think she could have stuck in out another hour and a half at school , but I didn 't want to push that with the nurse . When you use tough love , some school nurses tend to think the parents just don 't care , especially if they are adoptive parents . This nurse doesn 't have a history of that , but you never know . Just one more thing adoptive parents have to worry about , being accused of treating bio kids better than adopted ! Ugh . I am leaving in a few days and do not want a strep invasion . CUP already has a cold and I am hoping not to get that . Even more than not wanting to get sick myself , I don 't want any of the kids to be sick while I 'm gone . I would rather be sick myself than to have to worry about them being at home and sick without me ! I forgot to blog about this yesterday . When I pulled into the driveway , after dropping Steven at " his crib " , there was a squirrel , sitting about three feet from the car , by my rose bush . He didn 't even look up when I pulled in . He was sitting there with a plastic spoon in his mouth . It looked like it was covered with chocolate pudding and there was also a napkin next to him , covered in the same chocolate substance . The funny thing was that the squirrel was holding the spoon with his " hands " and eating the pudding substance right off the bowl of the spoon ! It looked like a cartoon or something . I tried to take a picture with my cell phone , but apparently this squirrel isn 't afraid of cars , but is afraid of the sound a cell phone makes when it is about to take a picture ! He put the spoon down before I could press capture . I was so disappointed . I did get a picture of him next to the spoon and napkin , but it isn 't anywhere near as cute as it would have been , had he continued eating . Well , today is Steven 's 19 birthday . I 'm really thankful that he made it this far . It is so hard to believe that he isn 't still the pudgy little 9 lb . 3 oz . baby I gave birth to . Then again , we have been through so much trauma and drama with him , it sometimes feels more like 40 years than 19 ! I had to take him to his eye doctor appointment this morning , so I made him a batch of brownies last night . I also brought a stash of breakfast burritos and a pan of tamale pie , so he was pretty happy . He is going to hide the brownies from his housemates so he can have the whole pan to himself ! He got new glasses , since he won 't wear his contacts ( takes to long to put them in and out and he doesn 't have time . In other words , he is too lazy and never took the time to get fully used to them . ) He was very good about getting only the things our insurance allows , so I only had to pay a $ 25 co - pay . I can 't wait until he is fully on his own and can afford these things himself ! He did talk about going to school , though , which is good . He said he really likes the idea of going to the nearby community college for the summer semester and then transferring to the community college in Richmond that has a Culinary Arts program . I just don 't quite know how that is going to be paid for . He certainly can 't afford it and Mike and I can 't afford to co - sign for any more loans . I know he wouldn 't qualify for a loan on his own , so it is going to be an uphill battle for sure . The thing is , though , if he doesn 't go to school , he is never going to make enough money . Even though they are teaching him to cook at his restaurant , he will never make more than $ 10 or $ 12 an hour as a cook around here . If he gets a culinary degree , he will have the opportunity to make a lot more money . Posted by Mikey is off to California already . I hate it when he leaves on Sunday mornings . He didn 't get home until 10ish Friday night and he was gone by 11 am this morning . Now he will be gone for two weeks . Yuck . The good news is that I leave for California on Friday . I am looking forward to the break . Since Mike isn 't home much to relieve me , I never get a break from parenting , so this will be good for me . I 'm not looking forward to the long plane trip , though . I 'm being nagged by people from multiple states to update my blog . Thanks , I needed to be nagged because I haven 't been blogging because I just haven 't felt like it . I 've been keeping a notepad with things that I wanted to blog about , so I wouldn 't forget . Now they all look really stupid and boring , which leaves me with almost nothing . Ugh . I do , however , have an update on Steven 's finger situation . We went to the doctor on Thursday ( after I forgot about the appointment , overslept , and had to get ready in 14 minutes , which is a record for me ! ) and the new specialist gave us a lot of information . Number one , he told us that when the dog bit the finger , he got part of the tendon . That is something the first specialist ( the one who was such a jerk ) told us hadn 't happened . This doctor demonstrated how he could tell and after that , it was pretty obvious . The good news is that , apparently , there is more than one tendon and the one that was damaged is a secondary one . This does explain why Steven is still having trouble bending the finger fully . I 'm not sure how that is going to affect him long term , yet . By Thursday , the antibiotic had started to work and the swelling was starting to go down . The doctor said that Steven has about a 10 - 20 % chance of needing surgery . He said it is a good sign that the antibiotic is working , but also , at his young age , his body is strong enough to appear to be doing better while still on the antibiotic , but as soon as he stops taking it , there is a chance that it will just flair up again . If that happens , he will have to have the surgery and IV antibiotics . He has to go back to have it checked again while I 'm in California , so that should be interesting . I 'm going to make CUP go in with him because Steven will never come out with an accurate description of what the doctor said . The appointment was actually pretty funny because when we had gone to Drew 's surgeon , Dr . W . , on Tuesday , he told us a bunch of stories about how things used to be when he was the only surgeon here . I loved the storPosted by I took Steven to the surgeon today to find out what we need to do about his finger . This is the surgeon who did Drew 's collar bone surgery and I love him . He is so nice and he explains everything without using any doctor words . Anyway , he said that he wants Steven to see another surgeon , who only does hand surgeries . He said that he can take care of it , but he doesn 't do that all the time and since it is really serious , he would rather that Steven see someone who does it all the time . He did tell us that if we don 't like the other guy or aren 't happy with him for any reason , he would certainly take care of him . He would just rather make sure Steven gets the best care possible . He confirmed the infection and said there were two possibilities that he could think of . The first was that he might be able to ride out the infection with lots of antibiotics , but since that could make it even worse and the infection could get into the bone , he didn 't want to make that call . The second is that he would need surgery to " fillet open " ( yes , he said that ! ) the finger and insert a tube along the length of it . The tube would go in near the top of the finger and come out in or near the palm . It would have a drain at the bottom and Steven would need to stay in the hospital for 3 or 4 days , so that the nurses can monitor it and regularly flush it out . Gross and yuck and ouch ! Steven 's health insurance coverage runs out on April 1st , so we have to get this over with quickly ! He is thinking about signing up for school , which would extend his coverage . I would love to see him going to school ( for culinary arts ) , but I 'm not sure he is ready for that at this point . To me , there is no point in going to school if you aren 't going to take it seriously and I 'm not sure Steven is at that point , yet . He will have to work full time or more than full time and go to school full time . He will also have to lay off the substances and concentrate on school . So , we 'll see how that goes , I guess . Jessica , 3rd grade , 1993Jamie , 2nd grade , 1993Drew , 2nd grade , 1993Jack , 4th grade , 1993I think I 've said before that I had three foster children that I wish I could have adopted . Ryan ( Johnny ) is one of them and Jessica and Jamie are the other two . I am now in touch with Jessica , via Facebook . She and Jamie are doing well and Jamie has two beautiful baby boys ! This was scanned from Jack 's yearbook , but I remember that Jessica had circled several people with a pencil . She circled Jack , Drew , herself and the boy she had a crush on , it was so cute ! I 'm not sure why she didn 't circle Jamie , she must have been mad at her ! I love the glasses in these early ' 90 's photos . Not only did we set a record in the ER yesterday , we set another today . This time it was for the most ER visits in the fewest hours . Yup , two in twelve hours , lucky us . This time the injuree was Steven . I guess , officially , he would be the re - injuree . His dog bite finger started to swell and become very painful . The gave him another x - ray , to check for foreign objects , such as dog teeth . The x - ray appeared clear . They said it is possible that another infection is brewing and the swelling and pain are the first sign . There is no redness , which means it was caught very early . They wanted him to go see the last hand surgeon that he went to , but I told them he was a jerk and they said he could go see Drew 's surgeon . I wish I knew that was an option the first time . They made me go all the way to Newport News when I could have stayed right in Williamsburg and had a doctor who is awesome and not a jerk . Ugh . They said he may need surgery to cut out the damaged or infected tissue . Yuck . That would suck because he already has a really bad scar and now he will have two . He is now on another anti - biotic . When we were talking about going to the ER , I told Steven that since it was his middle finger , we better go right away so he doesn 't lose it . After all , he needs that finger for swearing ! In Steven 's case , I 'm not just joking about that ! ! Now I 'm off to buy some hair , as Shauna is getting hers braided tonight . I love her hair braided , but I so hate taking it out . I spent about an hour on Friday night and many hours yesterday , getting it all taken out , washed and combed out . I don 't know how mothers of multiple AA girls do it ! I have spend so much time on just two , I can 't figure out what I would do if I had more . Shortest time ever in the Emergency Room ! Yes , I was in the local emergency room , again , just 3 weeks after the last time . I was keeping my head down , hoping no one would recognize me ! We set a new record for fast ER visits , though . We were out in 1 hour and 15 minutes . Wow , I usually allot between 3 and 6 hours for an ER visit . While we were there , we figured out that 6 out of 7 kids have been in the emergency room in the last 18 months . That is a record I don 't want to break ! Everything is fine , although Alex has a sprained ankle . He was at play practice at school today and apparently the set wasn 't built too well . They had a wooden staircase and it collapsed and he fell through . The play starts in 10 days , so he should be okay by then . He has an ace bandage wrap and an air cast . He will be on crutches for about a week and then he should get back to normal pretty quickly . We had some fun at the ER . The x - ray technician came in to get him and my first thought was that she looked like a cave woman ! Alex actually let out a startled , Uh , when she started coming in . She had long hair , looked like she was high , and her hair was all wild , just like they always depict cave woman . She asked Alex his date of birth and he told her and she said her birthday was December 1st also . Then she said in a monotone voice , " 1957 " . Just the way she said it was so funny . Then the triage room was right across the hall from us and the triage nurse had a very loud voice . Some poor woman came in and the whole hall heard that she had bipolar disorder , was having a panic attack and hasn 't been taking her medications ! After many , many years of never leaving the house , I am going on my second out of state trip in two months ! Okay , I leave the house once in a while , but I rarely leave the county , let alone the state . Mike has to go to Irvine , California for two weeks , so I 'm going to fly out on a Friday , spend the weekend sight seeing and fly home on Tuesday morning . Since he travels so much , he has already saved enough miles for me to fly for free . I never had the desire to go out west , but I am looking forward to seeing the Pacific Ocean . I would also like to see Hollywood . My sister lived there for a few years and has told me all about it and it sounds pretty interesting . By interesting , I mean it sounds really weird and I think it would be fun to watch all the weirdos . I just hope I don 't see the guy pooping in the potted palm tree that she told me about ! More than anything , I just look forward to seeing something new , getting some time to relax , and spending some time with Mike . The kids were , surprisingly , happy that I was going . They would have been happier if I was taking them with me , of course . They actually had a good time with CUP in charge , even though he made them do chores , according to the girls . When Shauna heard the news , she ran up to CUP , gave him a huge hug and said , " Yay , CUP 's in charge ! " . Wow , makes me feel really wanted ! Well , I need to buckle down and get some work done around here . It is a beautiful day today and we have outdoor hockey , but I would like to get at least a little done around the house before I head out . Mike is working away on Steven 's old room , so I better at least make myself somewhat useful ! Luke has straight A 's in school ! Yay , he never cared much about grades before , so this is the first year he has put any effort into it . Not much effort , by the way , but at least some . He is in 11th grade and realizes his grades are now important if he wants to get into a decent college or into a co - op program . Last weekend when we were cleaning Steven 's room ( more on that later ) , Mike found a bottle rocket . He went downstairs to take out some of the tons of garbage that we found in the room and lit the bottle rocket . We had the window in the bedroom wide open to try to eliminate some of the stench , and it scared us out of the heck ! Mike ran in the house after he did that and yelled out , in a mad , disgusted Dad voice , " Steveeeeeeeen ! " Oh , the bedroom , ugh ! It was horrendously disgusting . That is all I can say . I was going to take before and after pictures , but it was too beyond gross , even for pictures . Suffice it to say that we took bag after bag of smelly garbage out of there . The work crew was not very cooperative , so the going was slow . Shauna was a great help because she is anxious to get into her new room . The rest of the crew , including Mike , was spotty and sporadic , at best . I had a real problem with people leaving the room to take something elsewhere and never returning ! At worst , they were complaining about the smell and the cat hair and the general disgustingness of the job . Okay , so no one liked it , but we still had to do it , but I had trouble convincing them of that . Blogger is telling me that disgustingness isn 't a word , but it fits this situation , so I 'm going to ignore that ! We got most of the trash out and Mike got most of the carpet ripped up and Shauna spent hours sweeping and pulling out carpet staples . Of course , her handyman father gave her a needle - nosed wire cutter instead of a pliers to pull them out , so she was having a horrible time until I ( the hero of the story ! ) supplied her with the right equipment ! Well , my cook top still hasn 't been replaced since the fire a few months back . Now the top oven stopped working . Yup , right in the middle of baking the Snowflake cookies . I have a double oven , which I love , but they are smaller than a regular oven , so I need two for our large family . I rarely ever use only one , but when I do , it is always the upper one , so it does make sense for it to go first . Still , they don 't make things like they used to because it is only 8 1 / 2 years old . When we lived in Oak Forest , our oven was original to the house , which was built in 1961 and it worked just fine . When we moved in , the oven was getting ready to celebrate its 30th birthday , for pete 's sake . This stupid oven hasn 't even made it to double digits yet . The blog police have , once again , decided that I 'm failing on my blogging duties . I can 't argue , but in my own defense , I have been keeping a notepad , filled with things I need to blog about , so I don 't forget . Am I smart , or what ? ( Don 't answer that ! ) First of all , we had snow in Virginia ! We usually get snow once or twice a year . Last year , we barely got any , although one day it did snow enough for the kids to sled a little . Well , we got a good amount this time and school was canceled for two days . Of course , it only takes a flake or two to cancel school here , seeing as they don 't have rock salt for the roads and our whole county probably only has one or two plows . The kids were beyond thrilled with the snow and had a wonderful time playing in it . Hannah about drove me crazy the first day because her friends , Bitch One and Bitch Two , were being bitchy and wouldn 't play with her . Her other friend , Larkinya ( not a bitch ) , wasn 't allowed to play outside because her dad didn 't want them to track snow into the house . Ugh ! So , that meant that Hannah had to take her frustration out on me all day ! Woo - hoo ! It wasn 't as bad as it could have been , though , she was annoying as heck , reminding me of Claudia 's Dominyk , but at least she wasn 't violent this time . She had settled down quite a bit by day two , so that went a lot more smoothly . I try to do something special on snow days , so I made a batch ( well that would be 3 batches for our family ) of Chocolate Krinkles . I made the kids call them Snowflake cookies or they weren 't allowed to eat them ! Luke tried to get away with taking one and calling it a Krinkle , but when he got it smacked out of his hand , he learned his lesson ! Well , I 'm not sure if that did it or if it was Alex and I blocking the tray so he couldn 't get anymore . Either way , it was fun ! I got a new cell phone ! I am so happy because I had let Hannah take mine one day and she fell with it and the screen broke . It still worked just fine , but I couldn 't get to my contact list or change my alarms or see who was callingPosted by Yesterday was my niece 's birthday , so I called my sister 's house . No one answered after two calls and I knew the girls were home , so I called my sister 's cell phone . She was working but called me back . I sent her a text message the other day , telling her that I now have unlimited text messaging and it is okay for her to text me now . She tells me that she didn 't know who it was from ! Hello ? ? ? ? ? The message says Michelle on it , you only have one living sibling and her name is Michelle and you don 't know who it is from ? ? ? ? ? She later figured out it was me after calling my mother to tell her she got this weird text and my mother says she got one , too , and it was from me . Ugh ! Shauna and her friend , Sydney . Yes , that is Shauna 's winter coat in the snow . It was 24 degrees and she was hot ! Shauna at the bottom of the hillAlex enjoying some of the first snowflakesA thrilled Shauna , with her coat on ! The snowy night sky in front of our house Today is Tuesday and it is now 23 degrees and going down to 19 , later tonight . The high today was about 24 . It is going to be 66 degrees on Friday and 72 degrees on Saturday . Background for quote of the day : Alex , Luke and Shauna were trying to figure out how to get a third snow day , now that the roads are clear . They said they would spray the roads with water , so when they send transportation out to test the roads , they would see the ice and cancel school again . A few minutes after they finished the discussion , this happened : Alex : " Mom , I just got a text message from Shauna that said ' Get a warm , heavy jacket and tonight at twelve , I will wake up so we can fill up a lot of buckets of water ' . " This is probably only funny if you know Shauna , but we do and it was hilarious ! The sleet just changed to actual snow ! Can you tell everyone is very excited around here ? This is our first ( and hopefully only ) snow of the year . Pictures to follow . It is sleeting very heavily right now and we are all hoping for a snow day tomorrow ! I 'm making everyone help clean up the house , just in case . That way , they won 't have so many chores and can get out to play in the snow before it melts . My name is Michelle and I live in VA with my husband of 29 years , Mike and our 7 kids . Jack 28 , Drew 26 , Steven 22 , Luke 20 , Alex 17 , Hannah 15 and Shauna 14 . We have 8 cats and one dog . |
These fictional narrative samples were written by Nancie Atwell 's middle school students . These pieces are strong examples of fictional narratives that provide a level of quality for which fifth and sixth grade students may strive . As with any written work of art , none of these pieces is perfect . Nevertheless , each piece does many things well , and any one piece may serve as a model or ignite ideas for your own fictional narrative . I was running . My legs were burning , and when I looked down , they were on fire . Literally . The finish line seemed miles away . Then my clock radio turned on , and my mind shifted , happily , to reality - but only for a moment . As Bob Marley 's voice sang " Get up , stand up , " my mind drifted back into the dream . Now the finish line moved farther away , and my feet could barely lift off the ground . " Don 't give up the fight , " Bob Marley sang , his voice ringing out . But my mind returned again to the dream , and suddenly I fell into a hole that appeared in the track out of nowhere . " Stand up for your rights , " Bob Marley sang . This time I sat up in bed , blue sheets twisted around me . I rubbed my eyes , finally clearing my head of the weird nightmare . Listening to the rest of the song made me think back to my dad 's comment of the night before . He had asked about the track team , and I had commented that the boys seemed to hate me . My dad had been watching baseball , sitting in his brown leather easy chair . He laughed and said , as a joke , " Beat them up . Slap ' em around . That 'll teach them something . " I had laughed and said , " Yeah right . " Remembering the conversation I repeated those words , " Yeah , right . " I glanced out my window : clear - or as clear as it gets at 5 : 00 in the morning in April . I pulled on blue nylon shorts and a smiley face t - shirt , grabbed my running sneakers , and snuck down the carpeted stairs . My parents didn 't mind my morning runs , but I didn 't want to take the risk of waking them up this early . Quickly I tied the laces , then jogged down our gravel driveway . Once I hit the sidewalk , I picked up my pace . I had a track meet Saturday . Soon my mind was filled with nothing . My pace set , my feet hit the sidewalk steadily as a clock . I passed my friend Lindsay 's house ; it was painted white , like most of the houses in Morgan . The grass was mowed , and a well - tended garden grew in the front yard , just like at my house . I spied Lindsay 's silhouette through an upstairs window . I waved but quickly turned back toward my house . It must be six o ' clock if Lindsay was up , and the bus came at seven . As I turned the last corner and my house came into view , I spotted my chocolate lab , Hershey , chewing my mother 's rhododendron plant in the front yard . When I jogged past him , he barked a greeting at me and continued chewing . " Good , " said Jacob , a runner . " We couldn 't live without you . " He laughed like an evil super hero , while Mr . McCoy continued to call the roll . The rest of the boys snickered at Jacob 's comment and slapped fives . I stared down at the black track as my hands curled into fists . I tried not to punch the thing closest to me , which happened to be Coach McCoy . " Now , as you know , we have a track meet on Saturday . I would like all of you to practice your events . But remember , boys , it doesn 't matter if you win or lose . Just do your best on Saturday . " Coach McCoy continued his speech about winning and losing , which nobody , including McCoy himself , believed . Along the way he kept addressing us as boys and men . It happened every time , but still my stomach hardened and I clenched my teeth . " Ava , to the triple jump . Mark , to the javelin . Curt and Adam , to the discus . Jacob , Greg , and Kevin , to the track for the 100 and 200 . The rest of you , find an event . I 'll come around and help you , " Coach McCoy ordered . I walked to the pit , found my mark , took a deep breath , and ran , my ponytail streaming out behind me . When I got to the second mark , which is called a bar , I hopped , then took a step and jumped . I landed well , with my hands forward . I walked back along the newly sprouted grass to try again . " Oh , I see , " I said with an edge to my voice . I felt my body tremble , and my hands once again curled into fists . I wanted to scream at Mr . McCoy . Why did he , of all people , have to be my coach ? " I 've got to go see Mark now . Bye - bye , " he said in the saccharine voice he reserved especially for me . When I was angered I always jumped better . I should have thanked him ; I beat my distance by two inches , which is pretty good , for a girl . When I got home I grabbed a Granny Smith apple from the fridge and ran up to my room . I flung my backpack onto the floor and flung myself onto my bed . I wished I had Lindsay 's punching dummy , so I could imagine I was beating up Coach McCoy and the boys like Jacob . But I couldn 't explain any of this to Lindsay . She had tried out for the team with me , but only I had made it . Whenever I talked about track , Lindsay 's face fell . But she would have been the perfect person to talk to . She understood me so well . The only way to ease this anger was physically . I punched my pillow . My fist hit it with a whap , and the pillow sagged . I can 't deal with my coach any longer , I thought . Tears of frustration escaped my tightly closed eyes . I took a deep breath and focused on the blue spirals on my bedspread . They wove in and out and around each other . My mind drifted from my coach to thoughts of sleep . " Dinner time . " Mom opened the door to my room . Had I really slept until dinner ? I looked at my clock : 6 : 27 pm . Outside the sun had almost set . " Wow , tough practice ? Anyway , wash your hands and come down . ' Kay ? " Mom said . She sounded surprised . Track didn 't normally wear me out . I figured I was emotionally exhausted . I sighed . Thanks , Each afternoon 's track practice became more and more unbearable as I received less and less encouragement from my coach . Even when I came in first in practice runs , Mr . McCoy celebrated only the boys ' accomplishments . Mine were completely ignored . I felt as if I could have fainted dead away and the rival West Pine coach would had been more likely to help me up . But when I ran , my problems floated away and I focused on winning . My mind shut down except for the running part , and for those few seconds I just ran , stretching my legs and striding forward as though my worst fears were behind me . And they were . My teammates were ready to attack as soon as I made even the simplest mistake . Running was my escape . It was then that my mind melted into nothingness and I could float away . Or when I jumped : for that split second when I was in the air , my problems left me then , too , only to greet me again when I landed . My mother smiled . " But you 're good at track . I bet you could beat Mr . McCoy in the 100 . I wouldn 't worry about it . Mr . McCoy needs to spend more time working with other runners , who aren 't as talented as you . " Yeah , I thought . According to him , everyone was as talented as me . Or more so . But again she smiled and cocked her head to one side . " If it bothers you that much , I can talk to him . . . " Why don 't you write him a letter , or explain how you feel to him ? I 'm sure he 'd understand . Now , up to bed . You have a meet tomorrow . " I sighed . I should have expected this typical parental response . I stormed out of the room , filled with anger at my mom . Couldn 't she understand about Mr . McCoy ? Why didn 't she realize how important track was to me ? Didn 't she know it was the only thing that could make me completely happy and the only thing that could make me cry ? Didn 't she understand I needed to get better at track ? Didn 't she understand anything ? The bus ride to West Pine High School was hot . The whole bus shook as we turned onto a back road . My bare limbs stuck to the vinyl seats , and my cool lunch box rattled against my leg . The bus radio was tuned to some unknown station , which only the bus driver , Rick , was singing along to . I reached into my backpack for my book , but when I straightened up to read , I ended up staring at the back of Mr . McCoy 's head . He was wearing a Yankees baseball cap . I suddenly hated the Yankees . I stared and stared at that cap until I felt like I knew every line , seam , and crease . " Hey , Ava , " called a voice from the back . I turned to face the voice . It was Jacob . He was sitting in the very last row with Kevin . He smiled . I immediately turned back around and tried to read my book . The words jumped around on the page as the bus lurched over yet another bump . My heart was beating fast . I hoped that he would just leave me alone . " Ava , " Jacob called again , pretending to be worried . " Are you dead ? " At that the rest of the team sobbed and shed fake tears for my fake death . " No , " I called back over their sobs . " No , I am not dead . " My face turned red as I realized I had just given Jacob the satisfaction of responding to him . " Wow , she 's tough , " laughed Jacob sarcastically . I almost yelled at them . But as the snickers and laughs from behind me continued , I knew I wouldn 't . Then I heard a different laugh , a sort of belly laugh , not like the snickers from behind . I saw the Yankees cap shake . It was then that I realized that Mr . McCoy was laughing , too . Laughing at what Jacob and Kevin had said . Laughing at me . " You guys are so funny , " Mr . McCoy congratulated them . I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could , hoping with all my might that my tears would not come . I knew my eyes would look swollen and red , but when I opened them , there were no tears . My wish had been granted . " Okay , everyone , we 're here . Let 's win some ribbons , " Mr . McCoy yelled over the squeaking brakes , as we came to a stop at the West Pine Memorial High School track . I breathed a sigh of relief and left the confinement of the horrible , hot , sticky bus as quickly as I could . " Okay , you 're in the third heat , second lane , " the official said . Yes , I thought . Second lane was my best . I walked up to my spot and breathed in and out evenly . Finally I caught my breath . Mr . McCoy 's laughter still echoed in my head . I tried to forget about it , but inside I was shaking with anger . I knew I needed to concentrate on my running . The distance was short , and I hoped my run from the bus would leave me with enough breath . He paused . My thighs were shaking , ready to run . Bang . The gun went off . Energy burst from my legs , and I was off . My legs pushed , and my arms pulled . All I could think about was running . Then , so quickly , it was over . " Okay , young lady , stand here . " A young man stationed me on the first mat . It struck me then . I had won . I had come in first . I felt like hopping with excitement , but I was too tired , so tired that I didn 't hear my time . But I felt so wonderful , I didn 't care . I sighed , feeling perfectly happy . " Congratulations , Ava , " said Jacob snidely . I didn 't have to turn around to know it was him . " Too bad you didn 't win . " My wonderful mood burst immediately . I had to respond . " If you beat me to the tree , I 'll believe you , " Jacob challenged . My heart was pounding , and my stomach felt like it was shaking . Why did I even have to talk to this jerk ? I had just won the race , and he knew it as well as I did . I didn 't want to race him . But I knew if I won I would show him I was fast - faster even than him . Then maybe he would shut up and leave me alone . That was all I wanted . " On your mark . . . get set . . . go ! " Jacob said . But as we started to run , out of the corner of my eye , I saw his arm come shooting towards me . Before I had time to move away , I felt his hand on my shoulder . Suddenly he pushed me , hard and strong , and I lost my balance . My reflexes signaled my hands to strike out to cushion my fall . As soon as I landed , pain shot up my wrist like lightning . Ahead of me I saw Jacob . He was almost to the tree , and he was laughing , jogging now because he knew he had won . I tried to get up , but the pain in my right wrist was too harsh . It just hurt too much . I held in my tears , so many tears I wondered if there was an ocean waiting to be released inside my head . I sat on the ground holding my wrist . When Jacob jogged away , laughing , the ocean was finally released . The tears rolled down my cheeks , all the tears I had not cried before - tears of anger at my mom and Jacob and my coach , tears of outrage from the teasing on the bus , and now tears of physical pain . I didn 't know what to do . I couldn 't tell Mr . McCoy . I knew that was useless . My wrist was badly hurt , at least sprained and maybe even broken . By now it was numb with pain . Suddenly I remembered something . My mother was going to stop by the track on her way back from the school where she worked . She wanted to see me jump . I had told her to come at around eleven - thirty . I glanced at my watch . It was eleven forty - two . I sighed with relief and struggled to my feet . When I found Mom in the crowd , I ran into her arms and hugged her tightly with one arm . My eyes stung with the beginning of new tears . I closed them , relieved , as I nuzzled my face into her shoulder . " Ava , what happened ? " she asked . I bit my lip , thinking . What should I tell her ? I looked into her eyes . They were full of love and concern . I smiled weakly at her . I felt horrible lying to her , but I couldn 't let her know the truth . This was my problem , and it could only be solved by me . " You need to see a doctor . Oh , I am so glad I stopped by . Just think what would have happened if I hadn 't . " Her voice was full of worry . " Okay , Mom . " I wanted so badly to tell her the truth as the tears rolled down my cheeks . But this was a battle my mother couldn 't help me win . I fell asleep right away when I got home , after resting my arm , in its cast , across my stomach . When I woke in the morning , I was hungry and cold . I felt awful from sleeping in my clothes and on my back . Today was Sunday , so I just lay in bed , thinking about what I might have done and said to Jacob . If only I had stood up to him or ignored him and not raced him . How different would things be ? Would I be lying on my bed with a blue cast on my wrist ? I couldn 't stop thinking about the what - ifs . But I also couldn 't cry anymore . It seemed to me that maybe the ocean in my head had finally dried up . " You don 't have to ask . I already did . Sorry . So it 's okay if you come . Your mom said it would be . " I loved the way Lindsay talked , her voice so full of energy and life . " Okay . I 'll walk over as soon as I have breakfast and get dressed . " I decided to push thoughts of Jacob , my wrist , and Mr . McCoy out of my head . I ate and got dressed without much difficulty , though putting on a shirt was hard . I said good - bye to my parents and left for Lindsay 's . Lindsay was the best friend I 'd ever had . We understood each other so well . Often we didn 't even have to speak . Just a simple nudge or a second of eye contact would be enough to say I hate him , or let 's go . When I reached her house , her mom and dad greeted me at the door , crowding me with questions about my " fall . " The crowding was nice though ; it was a sign of concern , not mere politeness . When " How 's track ? Besides your arm , " she asked politely , after our laughing attack . I don 't know - maybe it was the sincere concern in her voice , or maybe it was the result of having kept a secret from her for so long , but I began to sob . Lindsay looked surprised but quickly put her arm around me . " You don 't have to tell me right now , only when you 're ready . " After a moment I was ready . I described the teasing at practice , the lack of acknowledgment , Mr . McCoy 's laughing at me . A couple of times I cried out of pure frustration . " Ava ! Oh , my gosh , you need to tell someone this is horrible Mr . McCoy should be fired how come you didn 't tell me does anyone else know I feel so bad are you okay ? " Lindsay blurted . Her run - on sentences became a blur of oh - my - goshes and are - you - okays . I sniffed . " I 'm sorry I got carried away . " She reached over to give me a hug . " Are you okay , Ava ? " " Sort of . But Linz , what should I do ? What should I do ? " We moved closer , settling down forehead to forehead . I felt like a spy plotting a secret strategy . When I went home that night and climbed into my bed , I lay there sleepless for a long time , nervous about tomorrow . I thought back to the morning a week ago when I had awakened to Bob Marley singing " Get Up , Stand Up . " My dream that morning had been awful , with my legs on fire and the yawning hole in the track . But now I realized how much my dream was like my real life . In my waking hours I was angry and hurt . The longer I kept my secret , the farther away the solutions to my problem seemed , like a finish line I could never reach . But Lindsay 's friendship had awakened me , and now the words of the song pulled me out of my hole and set me free . The next morning I arrived at school twenty minutes early and did what needed to be done . When I reached my homeroom , I was a couple of minutes late . Mrs . Schafer glanced at me and pointed to my seat , where I promptly found my place next to Lindsay . People around me asked what had happened to my arm . I simply replied that I 'd broken my wrist , which seemed good enough for them . I didn 't want to talk . I tried to pay attention to Mrs . Schafer , but my mind was elsewhere . I bit my lip in anticipation . " This is Mr . Hilton speaking . Would Mr . McCoy and Jacob Stone please come to my office immediately ? " Lindsay nudged me and let out a whoop , but I just smiled . I wasn 't scared . I knew my father couldn 't hurt me . He just liked to yell . This situation occurred a lot , considering I was in trouble so often . I dropped my backpack , threw my coat on the floor , and trudged into the living room . The sun was receding below the tall horizon of pine trees that encircled our house . A bright light shone from the living room , where my father sat on the couch reading the paper , his small , square glasses pushed down on his nose . He looked serious . I thought back : I didn 't hurt anyone today , and I didn 't skip school . I 'd been a good kid . Then it hit me . I remembered . I reached into my pocket and felt the CD player I 'd boosted from Stanley . How did the old man find out ? Stanley wouldn 't tell anyone ; he was a wimp . My father set down his paper and looked up . I stood in the doorway , leaning against the frame . He slammed his hand on the coffee table , rattling the pictures on the wall . " Son , I 'm serious , " he continued . " How about four - thirty this afternoon at the mall ? Does that jog your memory ? " He sat there , perfectly silent , staring into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity , until he finally spoke again . " You know , I can tell . Just admit it . " " What do you think I am , an idiot ? I know what happened . They even have a surveillance tape that shows you run up to him , grab his CD player , and take off . You have to stop stealing . You don 't realize how bad it is for your reputation - and ours as a family . How many times do you have to get caught to realize this ? " he yelled . He pulled his glasses off and set them on the coffee table . " When are you going to grow up ? " Talk about taking things too seriously . What a jerk . In case he hadn 't noticed , I was grown up . I turned without saying anything and bounded up the stairs and through the hallway into my room . I sat on my bed and thought about my latest offense . It wasn 't that bad ; it was a CD player . And it was only Stanley , after all - Stanley the nerd , the mama 's boy , my favorite victim . He was used to it by now . He should have known better than to hang out at the mall with an expensive CD player . I awoke the next morning at four to the sound of my dad 's one - ton truck pulling out of the drive - way . He was a fisherman and somehow managed to get up early in the morning every day . Of course I fell back asleep . I woke up again at 6 : 45 to the sound of my mother 's frantic voice . " SEAN , " she screamed . " Get out of that bed . You 've overslept . It 's almost seven . " She slammed her fist against my locked door . " Do you hear me ? " I was awake but I didn 't bother to get out of bed right away . I rushed through my shower , grabbed breakfast , and was out the door to the bus . We lived in the middle of the woods in midcoast Maine - as I like to say , in the middle of nowhere . We were about thirty minutes from the nearest town . I 'm surprised the bus came this far , especially since we lived on a dead - end road . I wasn 't the most patient person in the world . And usually I had to wait for the bus . Today it was a good fifteen minutes late . I stepped through the door onto the high steps and glared at the driver . " A little bit late today , don 't you think ? " I said . He didn 't respond , just stepped on the gas before I sat down , tripping me up . I found a seat next to John , my best friend . He was staring out the frosted window . He didn 't respond . " John , are you alive ? " I shook my fingers in front of his face . He turned around and looked past me , unblinking . I could tell he was thinking . " Today after homeroom , on the way to math - " He hesitated . " We take a can of soda and pour it on Stanley 's books . " He grinned . " He 'll never know who did it , because , think of it - when we 're switching classes , the halls will be crowded . " We loved to humiliate Stanley . He didn 't exactly fit in with the crowd . When he did speak , which was hardly ever , he had a strong Southern accent . Supposedly he 'd worked with his parents on a farm before he moved here . Almost all his outfits were overalls . He was small , skinny , and scared of his own shadow : in short , the perfect victim . When the bell rang to end homeroom , John and I stuck close together . We hurried out the door and waited for Stanley to come out of Mr . Becker 's homeroom . Sure enough , he straggled out last , his canvas backpack hanging off his arm . He walked fast . He was always in a hurry , because of kids like us , I guess . All the classes were out now . The halls were bustling with kids . John and I snuck right up behind him , walking at the same pace . This was great : he 'd never know who it was . Carefully and silently we passed classrooms , weaving in and out of traffic . Doors were wide open . Teachers sat at their desks . I reached forward and opened Stanley 's backpack as we kept moving . He didn 't even notice . God , he 'll be the star of the school ; this will be great , I thought . We stopped running at our next class . Slowly but surely we could hear it start as a low rumble , but soon the whole hall was laughing hysterically . There was Stanley , with Moxie all down the back of his shirt and overalls , his bag lying on the ground , his books brown . He was trying not to cry . This was going to be a moment to remember . " I guess you 're right , " I replied . I probably should have felt bad for Stanley , but I was used to humiliating him , and it was especially fun since he never told anyone . John was right . The chances of getting caught were pretty slim . The dark came early now , as we neared the end of November . No snow yet , but it was cold . " I 'm going to go call my mom . See you tomorrow , man ! " Before I 'd taken more than a dozen steps , I saw Stanley walk out of the woods . It was getting dark . What the heck was he doing here ? I scanned him and his pathetic clothing . He didn 't see me . I had a brainstorm , turned , and bounded after John . " John , check this out , " I whispered , as I caught up with him . The air smelled strongly of moss and pine trees . We hid behind some thick bushes . " He must 've not taken the bus because of us and decided to walk home . That 's quite a long ways to hoof it . " I tried not to laugh . Stanley was walking fast . What a pathetic excuse for a human being . John and I set down our bags and followed him as he strode back into the woods , darting in and out of the shadows of the trees . Owls were hooting , and the cries of coyotes rose from the earth . We slithered around trees , pursuing him . An owl hooted , and Stanley stopped and looked around . We were panting now , out of breath . " So , what are we going to do ? " I whispered to John . " I don 't know . Let 's see if he has any money , " We slipped ahead of Stanley and ran right into the middle of his path . We stood there side by side , about ten feet in front of him . He froze . My heart was pounding , the adrenaline rushing through my veins . We were two giant silhouettes against the setting sun . Not a word came out of his mouth . He turned around to run , but I lunged forward and grabbed his shoulder , pushing him to the ground face first . It was fun playing God . I could do anything to him , he was so small . His body squirmed as I held him down . John grabbed his backpack , tore it off his arms , and went through it , finally finding a five - dollar bill . He threw the bag back at Stanley and stepped aside . " You tell anyone , " I whispered in Stanley 's ear , my hot breath stinging his face , " you will die . " I was amazed at my threat . I knew I could never kill him ; I could never kill anyone . We took off , running as fast as we could , back to where we 'd left our stuff . Stanley didn 't come to school the day after the incident . I guess he needed a day to rest up . I decided it was his problem , not mine . In this life you learn to put the past behind you and to worry about the future . But still , somewhere in the back of my mind , I knew I shouldn 't have threatened him . I had gone too far , even for me . " No , I 'm not joking around , John . I feel weird about this , " I said . " Lighten up , for gosh sake . It 'll be fine . " At that , he hung up the phone . What a little creep : he 'd hung up on me . I was more anxious now . John didn 't care about it , so I was on my own . On Friday Stanley finally returned to school . He acted even more scared than usual , and he stayed near teachers at all times . He wouldn 't let anyone else get close to him . Finally it was sixth period . I thought , it 's Friday ; why doesn 't this class let out early ? I sat slouched at my desk , rolling my pencil back and forth , back and forth , paying no attention whatsoever to the teacher , just the clock on the wall . I tried to convince myself that school would eventually come to an end , but it seemed hopeless . My hand shot up in the air . She had had enough . I had already asked her about sixteen times if I could go to the bathroom , and we didn 't have the best relationship in the world anyway . She was writing something on the board at the time , but she instantly stopped , dropped her chalk on the floor , spun around , and slammed her fists against her desk . I stood up and strolled out of the classroom , laughing the second I shut the door behind me . The hallways were silent . Not a soul occupied them . I took my time . I wasn 't in class now . This was better - anything was better . I headed toward the bathroom near the office . The door was wide open , and someone was inside . Silently I slid through the doorway and slipped into the nearest stall . I peered through the crack in the dirty door . I quieted my breathing and focused on the pages he was frantically collecting . What could be that important ? He picked up what he thought was the last page and ran out of the bathroom . I waited until the sound of his footsteps disappeared down the hall , then stepped out of the stall . There was one piece left underneath the sink . Well , I thought , I 'll get to see what old Stanley is so paranoid about . I looked around , checked to make sure no one was in sight , and snatched the piece of paper up into my pocket , just as the bell rang . Classroom doors flung open , slamming against the doorstop . Kids rushed by the bathroom , running to their lockers , desperate to be the first ones out of school . I stayed in the bathroom until the rush dwindled down to the last few kids who strolled by , talking in their small groups . School was out for the weekend , and I was psyched . I was free , finally . But I was also dying to know what was written on the piece of paper . I decided not to risk reading it in public - I 'd save it for home . When the bus arrived at my house , I jumped off and yelled , " John , I 'll call you , " over the rumble of the diesel engine . He gave me a thumbs up and put his headphones back on . When I entered the house , I rushed up to my room . I was anxious to know what Stanley was so panicked about . I turned my stereo on and sat down on my bed , throwing my shoes off onto the floor along with my dirty laundry . I reached in my pocket and unfolded the paper . The sound of Godsmack rang in my ears . My parents weren 't home yet ; they hated my music . I read the note , then let it slip from my hands . I was frozen . Then sweat formed in beads on my forehead . Godsmack was still screaming from my speakers . Stanley 's scribbly handwriting was plastered all over the sheet , and what he had written was permanently engraved on my brain . What could I do ? Who could I tell ? I ran to the phone and called John . " John , you will not believe this . " I was panting , out of breath , scared . My words were choppy . I wanted to say too much at once . I couldn 't believe what I 'd read . We 'd pushed him too far . I shouldn 't have threatened him . My heart was pounding as I thought back to all the pranks we 'd played on him . We had pushed him too far . " I found a piece of paper in the bathroom I saw Stanley try to pick it up but he was in a hurry he rushed to get them all but he forgot one . " My words ran together . I didn 't stop for a breath . I still couldn 't believe it ; I wouldn 't let myself believe it . " John , he 's planning to kill us . You have no idea how scared I am . I have to tell someone . I 'm at the top of his list , then you . He 's going to shoot us , John . We 're going to die ! " " Man , calm down . You don 't even know if it 's real . It could be just a prank someone is playing on us , " John said . " Stanley playing a prank ? This isn 't a prank , man . This is serious . Whoever I tell won 't believe me , anyways . I don 't know what to do . " It was true . I didn 't know what to do . I stared at my watch : 2 : 45 . Should I call the police ? No , they wouldn 't believe me . I was in a bad situation . The police would never believe me , not with my record . I didn 't even know if the note was real . But from the way Stanley 'd been rushing around to make sure he had them all , it sure seemed like it could be . Just then I heard my mom 's car pull in the driveway . " John , " I said on the phone , " I don 't know what to do . Just stay home tonight . I 'm going to tell my parents . " " Are you kidding ? " she laughed . She actually laughed at me . " What are you trying to do , get him arrested or something ? " She laughed again . " Just how far can you push that poor kid ? " She thought I was lying . I couldn 't believe it . My own mom didn 't believe my story . What was her problem ? When I pulled the sheet of paper from my pocket , my hands were shaking . I was scared , really scared , for maybe the first time in my life . My mother set down the bags of groceries , snatched the folded - up paper from my hands , and unfolded it . She had a look of disbelief in her eyes , then confusion . My mom didn 't show emotion very well . She frowned as she read . " It 's okay . I know what you 're thinking . Why should you believe me , right ? But what should we do now ? I don 't know . I 'm scared . You have no idea how scared I am . " I broke down and cried for the first time since third grade . My mother called the police right away . At first they were doubtful , given my record , but my mother convinced them this wasn 't a hoax . They said an officer would drive to our house . For the first time in my life I was relieved that something was in the hands of the police . I sat down in front of the TV to pass time , but I couldn 't concentrate . I was itching to know what they would find , if anything , at Stanley 's house . I stared at the clock on the wall , counting the passing seconds . A trooper arrived minutes later . He introduced himself as Officer Bradley . We shook hands , and I unfolded the note to show him . He read it slowly . He called on his radio to two other officers and instructed them to drive to Stanley 's house and search his room . Then he sat down , and my mother made him a cup of coffee . " Son , you are very lucky you came to the police in time , " he said after he hung up . My heart skipped a beat . I was dying to know what they found . Bradley filled me in . " They found two firearms in his home , a pistol and a shotgun , both loaded with ammo . They also found a detailed account of a planned school shooting and another list of victims . He 's been taken into custody . " He hesitated . " You 're safe now , but if you hadn 't told anyone , you could have died . " I didn 't know what to think now , whether to be scared or relieved . Mostly I was confused . I thought about the pranks we had played on Stanley , the Moxie and stealing the CD player , the name calling and physical abuse . I realized that John and I had bullied him , and that you can push someone too far . We had done more than our share to push Stanley over the edge . We had inflicted so much pain on him that he actually wanted to kill us . For the first time ever , I felt what it was like to be in someone else 's shoes . I realized how life could be made so painful that someone would try to take matters into his own hands . I knew it hadn 't been right to make myself feel big and powerful by terrorizing another person , by humiliating him time after time . I had pushed Stanley too far . I had sent him off the edge . Now , the question was : What would happen next ? Who would I become ? How would I have to change , so I wouldn 't ruin another person 's life , or my own ? Suddenly I understood what it meant to grow up . The orange and yellow flame traveled from its place below the pick guard , up the neck of the guitar , and licked my wrist and fingers . The bright , artificial adornment was intense against the purple body of the guitar . I had been practicing for the last thirty minutes , and my wrist burned from positioning it at a ninety - degree angle for such a long time . The tips of my fingers were raw from pressing them against the six metal strings . Whenever I practiced for jazz band , the sheet music dissolved in the air around me with every note I played , with every chord I strummed . Exhaustion interrupted my playing . I filed the sort - of - memorized sheet music in its folder and set my guitar down in happy defeat . Diminished and augmented chords still echoed through my mind ; their peculiar and eerie sound made my room feel silent and dark . My homework was finished long ago . The alarm clock beside my bed digitally tick - tocked to 11 : 30 P . M . My unmade bed , pathetic with its twisted sheets , looked like the most comfortable place in the world . I switched off the overhead light , walked blindly to my bed , crawled in , and reached for the quilt . The next morning the screen door slammed shut behind me as I was halfway across the front lawn . My breath made ice crystals when I exhaled the sharp , cold air . My backpack felt like an unnecessary burden : I had packed my algebra and French books , for the two classes I had on Tuesdays through Fridays , but never Monday . I walked as fast as I could to my bus stop , where Rowan would be waiting for me . I shifted my backpack to an easier angle . " Hey , Brian , " Rowan greeted me . His face was red from the cold . I jogged the last couple of steps and threw my backpack to the ground . " Nothing much , " Rowan said . I knew he was lying ; there wasn 't " nothing much , " going on , not since what had happened on Friday . A car , or maybe the bus , interrupted my thoughts as its vehicle sound came around the corner . I hugged myself , trying to keep the warmth inside my coat and the autumn breeze out . I hoped it was the bus , so I could warm up for real . But it wasn 't , just an old , beat - up car that thundered past Rowan and me at top speed . Last Friday at lunch , Rowan and I sat with Patrick , a new guy who entered Morrison High in the middle of October . He seemed cool . He was a freshman , like Rowan and I , but I never noticed him until Rowan had approached him . He was a drummer who happened to play in the school 's jazz band ; so did I . On Friday at lunch the three of us got to talking about a radio contest that this local station , WOPS , was sponsoring . They were asking listeners to send in an original recording of what they thought would be a good jingle for the station . Patrick , Rowan , and I decided that WOPS played some pretty decent songs and that we 'd get together and try to come up with something . Rowan and I had been talking about starting a band ever since his dad had showed him the basics of the bass guitar over the summer . We were always talking about how we needed someone who could play the drums , someone who could keep a beat . And now Patrick had come on the scene . " What is his problem ? " I whispered to Rowan as the principal walked by us , his usual death glare plastered on his face . I think every student in our high school disliked Mr . Harriman . Everyone knew his nickname , Mr . Hairy Man . Even the teachers made fun of him behind his back . He was just so boring and rigid . His nickname was a contradiction , since Mr . Harriman didn 't have a hair on his head . He was bitter towards his job . He had no favorites : every student was on his list . " I don 't know . I bet he 's like that crazy kid in that movie . You know , where the kid says he has a friend named Tommy who lives in his mouth and hides in his stomach ? What was that movie ? " Rowan became silent with thought . I emptied my unnecessary books into my locker as Rowan babbled on about Mr . Harriman 's psyche . " Hey , Brian , what was that movie called ? You know , when the family is in that hotel . . . " I watched Rowan 's face transform itself into an expression of deep concentration . " The Brightness ! " he yelled at the top of his lungs . My face immediately turned red . The halls were packed with students , mostly upper - classmen . I think even the people in the office heard Rowan 's exclamation . Rowan really didn 't have any shame . I , on the other hand , had enough for both of us . " Yeah . I bet Mr . Harriman has a little ' friend ' that hides in his coat pocket and tells him to be as strict as he can and if he doesn 't abide by the rules he 's going to have to pay the piper . " Rowan widened his eyes and crunched up his face . " Just like my tiny friend Vicky , " Rowan said in a menacing voice . He had always been crazy and random , especially towards figures of authority . But whenever he had these outbursts , I just tried to smile and laugh along , like any good sidekick , even though inside I was mortified . " Do you honestly think that is real tuna ? " Rowan asked , with a sideways glance that said , " You 're crazy if you put that sandwich in your mouth . " Patrick was sitting with us again ; he seemed to be making a habit of it since Friday . " Patrick . " Rowan put on his serious face and got right down to business . " Tomorrow , when jazz band is over , we 're going to stay in the music room after Mr . Mettee leaves , all right ? " " Cool , " said Patrick . " And are you sure that Mr . Mettee said it was all right that we 're in here after jazz band ? " Patrick asked . " Yeah , he won 't care , " Rowan said carelessly . It was like Rowan not to ask permission . " So , you haven 't asked him ? " asked Patrick , alarmed . At lunch the following day Patrick said he was grounded for a month . His parents told him that they had moved away from the city to avoid trouble , but it seemed to have followed them here to Vermont . I told Patrick that nothing had followed his family here ; Rowan was the trouble . Rowan wasn 't with us at our usual table . For once , Patrick and I were Rowan - free . " Okay , it was just a thought . Hey , we could always skip town and join a carnival , " Rowan said in his usual happy voice . " Anyway . I think we should go to detention . You know , check it out to see who the really troubled kids are at Morrison . " Rowan ended with a laugh . I plastered a smile on my face and looked at Patrick ; his fake smile wasn 't very convincing , either . When the lunch bell rang , I tried to picture the " troubled kids " that Rowan imagined populated our school . I couldn 't think of anyone , except Rowan . I remembered the summer when I went to an actual carnival with Rowan , back when we were in grade school . We 'd gone into the hall of mirrors , where we could see ourselves in all shapes and sizes , but everything was distorted . I figured that 's how Rowan 's conscience was . He didn 't worry about the consequences of his actions , because he couldn 't see them for what they were . I scanned the room , examining the other poor , unfortunate souls . There were three others in the room . A freshman girl was the only one I recognized . I had met her at orientation . She had dark brown hair , but I couldn 't quite place her name . " I met that girl . " Patrick stared at me . " At freshman orientation . She was in my group , when we talked about our likes and dislikes and what we were looking forward to . . . " I explained . " You got it ? Well , this girl , Nicole , talked about how she was looking forward to high school because the music program at her junior high was so slack . " " Look , we 're almost finished . All we need is someone to sing the lyrics and record it ; then we 're done . " I was mad at Rowan for getting us into trouble , but he was still my best friend . I knew how much this radio contest meant to him - maybe because it meant a lot to me , too . " Okay , fine . " I could tell Patrick was annoyed , maybe a little bit angry . I took a seat next to Rowan and whispered to him about Nicole . " Okay . Are you going to speak to her ? " asked Rowan . " Wait . Let me get a piece of paper , and I 'll draw out a plan . " Patrick took a seat in the desk on the other side of Rowan . " Okay , you go here , " Rowan , talking to Patrick , indicated a place where the pencil sharpener would be on his map of the room . " Pretend you 're sharpening a pencil , but don 't be obvious . You 're going to watch Brian 's back while he goes in for the kill . " " I 'm just using the official terms . Geez . Now , you , Brian , go up to Nicole . " Rowan drew a line from our three desks to where Nicole was sitting . " Then you say something like , ' Remember me from orientation ? Wanna sing some song that my buds and I made up for a radio contest ? ' " Rowan changed his voice , imitating mine . " Uh , let 's go to the nurse 's office . Come on , get up . " He helped Rowan onto his feet . Rowan was cradling his " broken " wrist . " Nobody get out of line while I 'm gone , " the teacher barked , as he and Rowan exited the room . " Oh , my word . I am not doing this . Is he crazy ? " Patrick pleaded . " You don 't have to pretend to sharpen your pencil . I will just . . . go up to Nicole and ask her , " I said , my face reddening . I avoided talking to girls as much as possible . My face always got red , my palms sweaty . It wasn 't a pretty sight . " Okay . Let 's break , " I said . Patrick got up and walked to the door . He gave me the thumbs up . The coast was clear . I made my way to Nicole , weaving through the desks . " Um , " I could feel my face reddening . " Hey , do you remember me ? I 'm Brian . I think we might have met a couple months ago at freshman orientation . " She looked up from her reading and frowned . She used her thumb as a bookmark . " Yeah , that 's right , " I said . " Uh , well , do you still sing ? " I asked , getting right to the point . " Um , yeah . Why ? " she said , her eyes questioning . " Oh , well , a couple of my friends and I are sending in this recording of us playing , to a radio station , to see if they 'd use it as their theme jingle , or something . We have a little band going on . And we have the lyrics figured out , but none of us can sing . " My voice was racing . " Oh , yeah . I was wondering if you 'd want to sing on it . Maybe we 'd win . I mean , you still sing , right ? " I was lost in my own nervousness ; I could tell because I had started to repeat myself . " Sure . I guess . I have nothing better to do . I was kicked out of chorus , and I keep cutting classes and getting detentions , so maybe it would be fun , " she said . I couldn 't tell whether she was serious or not . " Okay , great . I 'll meet you tomorrow after school , at the end of jazz band practice , in the band room ? " I said , making up where and when on the spot . " Why were you kicked out of chorus ? " I asked , as an after - thought . " Oh , too much talking , and I skipped too many practices . It wasn 't - " She was interrupted by a panicked cough coming from the direction of the door . It was Patrick , trying to get my attention . He was motioning for me to get back to my desk . Someone was coming . " She said she would . I told her to meet us in the band room at four tomorrow , " I said to Patrick , who was looking over his shoulder to see who had just entered . It was Rowan and the teacher ; Rowan was cradling his " hurt " arm . It was weird practicing with someone singing to our music . It took at least a dozen attempts for the four of us to get in sync . Finally we started recording . We were halfway through the jingle when Mr . Harriman entered the band room . The recording was still going on when he motioned Mr . Mettee over to a corner , where they had a brief discussion . Our jingle was only a minute long , and by the time we 'd finished , Mr . Harriman had approached us . Before anyone else could speak , Rowan piped up . " Well , we 're conducting a science experiment on baldness , you know , so some school leaders could be a little nicer to the students at their school . That 's why we 're in here with musical instruments . " I was stunned that Rowan could be so openly disrespectful . Mr . Harriman was steaming . I looked around at Patrick . His eyes were closed in disbelief . I mouthed , " What are you doing ? " to Rowan , but he didn 't notice or pay attention . He just stood tall , wrapped in his air of defiance . " Then go there . Now . " Mr . Harriman left the music room with one last , fuming glance . " What 's your problem ! " I screamed at Rowan . " You probably got all of us a week more of detention , all for your stupid idea of winning a stupid radio contest , " I said to Rowan , my eyes narrowing on his . We both knew this was our first big fight , and maybe our last . When I turned my back on Rowan for the first time ever , packed up my guitar , and left for detention , I saw him and Nicole out of the corner of my eye . They were laughing at me . The sound of the telephone rang in my ears . It was a week after the whole fiasco with Rowan mouthing off at Mr . Harriman . I hadn 't spoken to Rowan since , but I had seen him in the halls at school , his hand lightly grasping Nicole 's . Someone told me they 'd been caught smoking behind the school and were on permanent detention . Rick , the guy Patrick knew from cross - country , had taken Rowan 's seat at our table at lunch . " Um . " I thought of what had happened to the four of us over the past month . " The Split , that 's what we 're called , " I said . " Oh , that 's an interesting name . Okay , Brian , I 'll be making a trip to Morrison High on Monday . Then I can interview you and your friends , and the jingle will be aired on Wednesday . " Michael T . ended his agenda . I awoke the following Tuesday morning to the sound of Nicole singing on my clock radio . I lay in bed until the jingle was over . Then I heard Michael T . , asking each of us how we felt about winning the contest . I heard our mumbled replies and then Rowan 's voice . " Oh , we 're all good friends . We met Nicole in detention , but that 's a long story . " I remembered Rowan 's face as he tried to encourage me to say something positive . " Now , what 's your favorite radio station ? " Michael T . asked . We had to do this part a couple of times . First Patrick wouldn 't say anything . Then the second time nobody said their " favorite radio station " with sufficient " spirit , " as Michael T . put it . The third time the four of us shouted , " WOPS ! " The third recording was the one they aired . The editors at the station made our uncomfortable conversation sound happy and light . I listened to the rest of the interview with the winning band , The Split . They sounded like friends . But what I heard behind the façade - me , an actual member of The Split - well , that was a different tune . I walked out to silence in the pool area and sat down on the bench , which looked as though it was about to collapse . Our swim team always sat here before practice - at least the people who arrived first did . There wasn 't enough room for everyone . I drummed my fingers impatiently on the rough wood . I was antsy for practice to start ; I had missed it on Tuesday because of a cold , and I wanted to start up again . There was a meet on Saturday . The white tile was freezing under my bare feet , so I lifted them onto the bench and wrapped my arms around my knees . Finally people began to trickle in . When I saw my friend Sarah coming out of the locker room , I waved to her to come sit next to me . " Not much ; we did the usual , " she said . " But there is a new girl , Laura . Didn 't I tell you about her ? " I shook my head . I felt a knot tighten in my stomach . I was the fastest on the team . She couldn 't be faster than I was . I realized what I was thinking , and I tried to push the thought away . I knew it didn 't matter if I were the fastest or not - the team 's score was what was important - but the knot in my stomach stayed . Sarah and I talked about our day and the classes we shared . When more swimmers joined us on the bench , we started to discuss Saturday 's meet . I noticed Laura right away at the edge of the group . She had blue eyes and light brown hair , like mine . She was listening , but she wasn 't saying anything . " I 'm not , " I said , and it was true . I never got nervous before meets . I was fast , and I almost always came in first . Kathy walked over . She had been the coach of the swim team longer than I had been on it , which was a long time , since second grade . We quieted down . She watched us for a second , then started into her usual speech about how it didn 't matter what place we came in , and that we should be proud of whatever place we earned . I didn 't listen to it anymore ; I practically knew this pep talk by heart . I glanced over at Laura a couple times ; she was listening carefully to what Kathy was saying . I thought she looked nice . After what seemed like forever , Kathy finally said , " Let 's start swimming . " As everyone trooped to the starting blocks , I went over to say hi to Laura . " Hi , " I said . " I 'm Maggie . " She smiled . " I 'm Laura . " There was an awkward silence . Then she said , " You 're not nervous about the meet ? That 's amazing . I always get nervous . " We got in line . When it was my turn , six of us climbed onto the starting blocks . I pulled my goggles over my eyes and adjusted them until they were perfect . Laura definitely seemed nice . I heard the sound of Kathy 's whistle and dived in . I swam as fast as I could , even though Kathy always told me to save my energy for meets . I loved going fast ; it was one of my favorite things about swimming . I didn 't know how much further I had to go . I didn 't care . I swam , breathing every few strokes . I was amazed to see Laura already climbing out of the pool and heading down to the starting blocks again . My feelings instantly became a jumble of annoyance and admiration , but annoyance definitely outweighed admiration . How could she have beaten me ? I was the fastest . I climbed out of the pool and walked as quickly as I could , without running , to the other end . I needed to beat Laura . She was just about to climb up on the starting block and smiled when she saw me . I didn 't . She walked over . " Uh , thanks , " I said , not sure what else to say . She had beaten me , but she still thought I was a great swimmer . It didn 't make sense . As we headed back towards the lines , Laura talked to me about how she was , speed - wise , in all the different strokes . She sounded confident . I didn 't add any details about myself ; I just listened . I got in line for starting block three , and Laura lined up for block four . We would be swimming next to each other , and I was sure that I would beat her this time . I told myself that I hadn 't been trying to swim my fastest , and that if I did , I would beat her . By the time I climbed onto the block , I had thought of every possible excuse as to why she had beaten me . I waited for the whistle . I dived in at the sound of it and swam as fast as I could make myself go . I felt as though I were flying through the water . I put my head up more than usual this time . I wanted to see where Laura was . I never could tell though . Suddenly , I felt my hand grip the end of the pool . When I stood up , Laura was climbing out . She had beaten me again . " She beat me , " I said , trying to hide my anger and frustration . " Twice ! " " So ? " Sarah said . " You beat me all the time . " On Saturday morning I found myself awake at 5 : 30 , with no hope of falling back asleep . I was nervous about the meet , which was extraordinary . I climbed out of bed , wide awake , and went downstairs in my pajamas . I walked into the quiet kitchen . I didn 't like being awake this early . I wasn 't hungry , but I cut a bagel in half and put it in the toaster oven anyway . I poured myself a glass of orange juice and didn 't bother to put the container away . I wished it were six o ' clock p . m . The meet would be over then . I told myself there was nothing to worry about . It was only a meet . But Laura had shaken my confidence . The toaster dinged , and I took my bagel out . I spread cream cheese on both halves . Why was I so nervous ? I couldn 't understand it . I started pacing and eating . I focused my thoughts on swimming and winning . Suddenly Daniel , my little brother , was in the kitchen with me . I was barely finished with the first half of my bagel , and I was full . " Do you want it ? " I asked , offering him the other half . I left the kitchen and walked to the family room , where I turned on the TV . Everything on every channel was stupid , but I watched a cartoon anyway . It took my mind off the meet . Our team walked out to the pool . I felt sick to my stomach , and I was ten times more nervous than I 'd been that morning . Sarah was walking next to me . She was biting her thumbnail . She only did that when she was tense . We sat down on the bench . I was jittery . I bounced my knee impatiently . I wanted to get this over with . I would be doing two freestyle races , a backstroke , and a breaststroke . I wasn 't that nervous about the front crawl ; it was my best stroke . For some reason I was terrified about the backstroke . I didn 't know why . I was perfectly good at it . I glanced over at Laura . She looked okay , not terrified , like I felt . I knew that she would be swimming in backstroke , butterfly , breaststroke , and a medley . Before I knew it , before I wanted it to happen , somebody called out my backstroke event . I stood up and walked over to the starting blocks . My knees were shaking . I was happy that I wasn 't swimming against Laura , but I was still terrified . I climbed onto the starting block and dived in when the whistle sounded . I didn 't think while I swam . I focused on the ceiling . I went as fast as I could , but I always did that . It was automatic . Left arm , right arm , over and over again . Finally , I was finished . I was thrilled just to have made it through the race , and when I looked up , I saw that I had come in second . A swimmer from two towns over had beaten me . I heaved myself out of the pool . I couldn 't believe it . I walked back to our bench . Sarah was smiling . I placed first in my other races , but I was still unhappy with the second . On the bus ride home , everyone was talking about their events . I said I had won three and lost one . They nodded and said " good job , " without much enthusiasm . They knew my usual pattern : first place after first place , with an occasional second . Even though they knew my pattern , I took satisfaction in the fact that I had done better than any of them . In the background I heard everyone congratulating Laura on her wins . I pulled out my book and got ready to ignore the world . I opened it and began to read . It was hard to focus ; the bus was bumpy and everyone was talking loudly . Out of the corner of my eye I saw Laura coming towards me . Great , I thought . She sat down next to me . " You did great ! " she said . " You were awesome doing freestyle . " " Gee , thanks , " I said sarcastically . " Why do you care how I did ? " I kept reading . I wanted her to go away , but she didn 't . She sat there . I couldn 't stand it any longer . " Just leave me alone ! " I said , trying not to yell . I could hardly believe what I had said . Laura stood up . She looked confused and sad . She walked back to sit with Sarah . I didn 't care . I went back to my book . After another fifteen minutes on the bumpy bus , we finally arrived at our Y . From the window I could see Mom waiting for me in the car . She usually came to meets , but tonight she had to stay with Daniel because Dad had to work late . I grabbed up my stuff and bolted off the bus and into my mom 's car before Sarah or Laura could catch up with me . " How was the meet ? " Mom asked . " Three firsts and a second , " I said quickly , to get it over with . Mom 's face lit up . " That 's great ! " " Mm - hmm , " I said , and we didn 't talk about it for the rest of the car trip . The next day , I was feeling a little better . I decided to call Sarah , to see if she wanted to go to the movies or come over or do something - anything but swimming . I picked up the portable phone from its cradle and carried it up to my room . I dialed Sarah 's number , and after two rings her mother picked it up . " Sorry , Maggie . Sarah went rollerblading with a friend a little while ago , " her mom said . " Do you want me to tell her you called ? " I wondered who Sarah was with . She and I always hung out together . Who could it be ? Since I didn 't have anything better to do , I started my homework . But as I took my books out of my backpack , a nagging question formed in the back of my mind : was Sarah with Laura ? On Monday , when I got to school , I couldn 't find Sarah anywhere . We usually met by her locker , but she didn 't show up . When I heard the bell , I guessed she was sick . Maybe I 'd given her my cold . I rushed off to class . But when I got to homeroom , I saw Sarah sitting in the front row . Maybe she just forgot ? There wasn 't a seat near her , only one in the back . As I walked to it , I tried to catch her eye . She didn 't look my way . She was talking and laughing with another girl . I folded up the note and acted like I was going to sharpen my pencil . On the way , I dropped the note on Sarah 's desk . She didn 't even look at it . I " sharpened " my pencil and started back to my seat . The note lay unopened on the floor . What was going on ? As I sat down , our teacher , Ms . Anderson , took roll call . I barely noticed when she called my name . The girl next to me , Anna , had to nudge me to say " present , " like the rest of the class . I was lost in my thoughts . Sarah hadn 't read my note , and she wouldn 't catch my eye . Was she mad at me ? She didn 't look back . She and Laura kept walking down the hall . I ran after them , not looking to see if there was a teacher nearby who could get me in trouble . Sarah bit her thumbnail . She was nervous . " Don 't you know ? " she said . Her voice was soft , but it was shaking with anger . " No ! " I said . " Tell me . You 're my friend . I need to know . " She was my friend . Pretty much my only friend . I needed her . Laura had been looking uncomfortable through this whole thing . I could tell that she didn 't want to get in the middle of it . She said , " I , uh , have to go . See you later , Sarah , " and rushed down the hall . Instead she blurted out , " You 've been acting like such a snob . " She looked relieved to have said it but terrified to see my reaction . " Sorry . " " During swimming ? " she supplied . " On the bus ? Don 't you realize how horrible you 've been ? To Laura and to me . It 's not easy being your friend . " Her voice was cold . " All you think about is winning and being better than everyone . You 've never asked me , or congratulated me , on how I did in a meet . You 're always too obsessed with what YOU are doing , with whether YOU are number one . " I could tell she was furious and that she had been planning this speech all weekend . The bell rang , and Sarah bolted off . I stood there in shock . My classmates rushed past me to their classes , but it didn 't occur to me to go to mine . Sarah didn 't want to be my friend anymore . The realization hit me , and I ran to the bathroom . I locked myself in a stall and sobbed . I was so confused , and I had no clue what to do about Sarah . I sat down on the seat and tried to control my crying . It felt terrible to realize that nobody wanted to be my friend . Sarah had always been there for me . We had been friends since kindergarten . Why had she decided to end our friendship now ? I was crying less hard as Sarah 's words echoed in my head . Don 't you realize how horrible you 've been ? I thought back over the past couple of days : the practice , the meet , the bus . I had been horrible . I felt helpless and small . What was I going to do ? I could try and talk to Sarah and Laura , but would they listen ? I knew they didn 't have any reason to . I decided I 'd head to class and deal with it from there . I had missed almost half the period already . I stood up , unlocked the stall , and walked out to the sinks . I saw how blotchy and red my face looked in the mirror . I wasn 't sure I could go to class like this . Behind me , I heard the door creak open . I turned around to see who it was . It was Laura . " Hi , " she said . For a second she looked concerned , but I was positive that she was just as furious with me as Sarah was . I knew I had to say something to Laura . I didn 't want her to think I was horrible . I wanted to apologize , to say something , but what ? " It 's just that you were faster than me , and I was mad , " I said . " I know . I figured that out , " she said . She didn 't sound angry . I gathered up my books from the sink and followed her out the door . She led me through the halls towards the cafeteria . People glanced at us uncertainly . I didn 't mind . I knew that I would have done the same if it were someone else with red eyes being dragged through the halls . Part of me wanted to talk to Sarah and beg her to be my friend again . I needed her . The other part of me dreaded another confrontation . What if she wouldn 't listen ? Before I could work out an answer , we were in the crowded cafeteria , headed straight towards the table where Sarah was sitting , obviously waiting for Laura . She looked up at Laura and smiled when she saw her . Then she noticed me , cowering behind Laura , and she looked angry . I felt like running to the bathroom again so I could cry some more . Sarah didn 't want to be my friend anymore . I was positive she wouldn 't listen to anything I had to say . Laura seemed to sense my need to run , so she gripped my arm even tighter . I was stuck . " You have to listen to her , Sarah . You guys are friends . You 've been friends forever , " Laura insisted . She pushed me forward . " Talk to her . " " Sarah , I 'm sorry , " I said to my shoes . " I know I was an idiot . I never even considered that you might have feelings about your races . I was too absorbed in my own record and where I placed . I have been a snob . Please , don 't be mad anymore . You 're my best friend . I need you . " Suddenly I remembered a game Sarah and I had played when we were eight and had competed to see who could stay underwater longer . I thought of how I 'd watched her through the aqua pool water , fearing that I would surface before her . Even then I 'd wanted so badly to win . Then , after a while , when I wasn 't sure I could hold my breath a second longer , just as I was about to give up and declare her the winner , Sarah would break the surface . I concentrated hard on staying under another two seconds , so I could beat her soundly . Then I broke the surface , and my lungs had filled with fresh , crisp air . |
On March 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Uncategorized2 Comments Even after the cavalcade of red flags marched in and made themselves comfortable in my life , I chose to move forward in the relationship with Jake . Each morning , I made sure those red flags ate breakfast and had a lunch packed for the day . I took good care of those warnings and I was prepared to defend the relationship if ever a questions was raised . I made sure that the omnipresent feeling in my gut ( of which I never listened to ) was buried deep within , covered by layers of guilt , codependency , depression and justification . This constant need to validate my relationship was more for me than anyone else … par for the course when dealing with an empath . Seven months into this toxic relationship , Jake proposed . He moved to Texas and soon after , he began an affair with his co worker . It would be months before I knew what was happening . His manipulation , cheating and abuse led me down a twisted spiral of anxiety and pain which eventually drove me into the arms of a recovery program that changed my entire life . I am taking a break to prepare myself for season 2 . I have to process the resurrection of old wounds and exposing my relationship in this way . I want to thank all of you for your unconditional support . I have never felt more loved and supported . Season 2 is underway and will be released in late March . On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't … On February 2 , 2017 By fireball790In love , narcissism , relationships , UncategorizedLeave a comment Gone . Gone were the days of family movie nights . Gone were the vacations where we all loaded our luggage onto the airplane and headed somewhere sunny , somewhere beachy . Gone were the late nights on Christmas Eve staying up together complaining about wrapping presents and stuffing stockings . Gone were the summer days that would turn into late evenings grilling in the backyard and jumping into the illuminated pool for a late night swim . Gone were shows we watched together where we sat close on the couch to share ice cream and candy . Gone were the days we forced the kids to do homework and rolled our eyes at each other while we were being parents . Gone were all of our inside jokes . Memories from our earlier days and conversations about how hard we worked to live the life we had . It was all gone . They were packed up and put into Derek 's suitcase and loaded in the back of his car the day he finally left for good . Left in their place were the egg shells I would be walking on for years . The three , four and even five times I had to think before I spoke and was still put down and insulted for being an " idiot " . The drunk rants took the place of tv shows I used to watch and the insults replaced the ice cream and candy . The name calling replaced walks down memory lane and lies filled the space that once occupied inside jokes . I was now living a different life altogether . A life I chose . A life I could have stopped but I didn 't because I was afraid of being alone . After we left Pete 's house , the ride home was awful . Scary . Jake was mad at me and I was crying . As he drove too fast , switched lanes like a mad person and yelling at no one , I was trying to figure out what I did wrong . In my intoxicated mind I must have done something for him to be this upset . Instead of trying to figure it out , I begged him to forgive me . I told him I was sorry and I didn 't mean to embarrass him . I honestly didn 't think I did . I thought about the many times I was with Derek and I spoke to other guys . He never had an issue with it . But maybe Jake was right . Maybe Derek didn 't know how to say anything to me the way Jake did ? Maybe you 're not suppose to talk to other men when your boyfriend is around . I sat with those thoughts stewing in my head and continued to cry because now I thought I messed things up with Jake . " Is he going to break up with me ? " No , he can 't . The idea of being without Jake , without Derek and being on my own terrified me . I reached for Jake 's hand and he let me put my hand on his . This was something I would soon come to recognize as a sign that he was calming down . I tried to control my tears and told him how sorry I was , how wrong I was and that I would never do anything to disrespect him like that again . He squeezed my hand and pulled me in close . I made a mental note to never talk to a guy in front of him ever again . As my brain processed what just happened and justified his actions , my gut was screaming something else . " Are you fucking kidding me ? " I ignored my gut that night …… and for the next 5 years . The next morning as we woke up in the hotel room , Jake pulled me close . I laid my head on his bare chest and could still smell his cologne and everything felt right again . He had his hand on my back and moved his fingers along my spine . He apologized for getting upset and blamed his behavior on the alcohol . I forgave him and apologized again . We had our first fight and we got through it . I smiled and sunk into him , relaxing and somehow convinced he was the right one for me . A few days later Jake dropped me off at the airport . I was headed back to Texas and was just sick over it . I knew that all that was waiting for me was an empty house . I hated being a mom without kids . I knew I would get the boys back the next day but it was always tough coming home to no one . I took solace knowing that Jake , although 2 , 000 miles away , would always be close by . As soon as he dropped me off at the airport , we were on the phone . We were texting up until the plane was going to take off . 30 , 000 feet in the air was the only place I was ever truly alone . I had so much time to go over the events of the weekend and it was all I thought about . I could not believe how mad he was at me . It was only then , sober , days later and away from him , that I could really dive into what had taken place . I knew he was wrong for reacting the way he did and I knew I was wrong for apologizing to him for something I didn 't do . I wasn 't used to apologizing . Then again , was it really that big of a deal for me to give up just a little bit of who I was for someone I loved ? It wasn 't hurting anyone … or so I thought . A few months before Derek and I separated , I was still working out and building up my name in the fitness industry . I had lost 100 lbs and that seemed to impress a lot of women . A high profile magazine ran an article on me and my success story . That began a roller coaster of events . I began fitness modeling , and in fact it was a picture of me modeling that attracted Jake 's attention to begin with . It was one of the things he had said he most admired about me . So when I got the news I was yet again published , I was more than thrilled to share it with Jake . Moments after I sent him the article with the very same picture that attracted him to me in the first place , my phone rang . The voice on the other end was the guy who published the book and he was calling to offer me two magazine articles . He said the book was doing well and he would love to publish my success story along with a new photo shoot . I was shocked . Everyone in the fitness industry works so hard for this moment and it is not often you get one offer , let alone two . After we hung up I immediately called Jake . I was so excited to share with him my news . He answered almost instantly and sounded happy to hear from me . He was busy at work but told me to hold on so he could go to another room to hear me better . When he got back on the phone , I could have never predicted what he was about to say . Before I could tell him about the offer I had just gotten , he laid into me . " Are you fucking kidding with that picture ? You are mother . You look like a whore . Why do you feel it 's necessary to show off your body to everyone ? Why do you need so much attention from men ? " I was speechless . I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears and they slowly ran down my cheeks . I suddenly felt stupid for being so excited about the magazine publisher calling me . I sat on my couch in the living room crying silently while he put me down for goals I had worked so hard to achieve . He ended the call a few minutes later . After I hung up the phone , I let myself fall to the side of the couch and I sobbed . I let it all out , then picked up the phone again but this time , I called Derek . I sent him the picture and told him about the magazine offers . He said he was so proud of me and that he would buy up all the copies of the magazines . We chatted for a few minutes and I had tears running down my face again , but for a different reason . After we hung up , I felt better and I was excited again . A few minutes later Jake sent me a text . He told me he loved me and I looked great . He said it was hard for him to share the woman he loved with other people . After reading that , I felt happy . I felt as if he was jealous and that was sweet . I told him I loved him too and right then , made the decision to not shoot for either magazine . I loved Jake and if he was not going to be ok with it , I was not going to do it . Again my brain agreed , but my gut shouted " What the fuck ? ' The next weekend , when Derek had the kids , I was off again to Boston to see Jake . I wasn 't able to spend Christmas with him , so we decided to celebrate early . He picked me up from the airport , we had dinner and headed back to the hotel . As we checked in and I got settled , Jake asked me if I needed to take a shower . I looked at him with confusion and told him I didn 't . He insisted I take one . I gave in and took and unwanted shower . After I got out , with a towel wrapped around me , I headed toward my bag . When I turned the corner , it was dark . He had candles all over the room with rose petals all over the bed and he was holding a box . A jewelry gift box . He threw me on the bed , told me he loved me and asked me to open it . As I sat up looking at him and all around the room , the colorful butterflies were back and I was in love all over again . No one had ever done anything this romantic for me . It was like a scene right out of a movie . I started to tear up , put my free hand on his face and got lost in his brown eyes . He kissed me and insisted I open the box . As I began to unwrap the paper , Jake looked like a little kid . He was so eager for me to see what was inside . I opened the box and looking back at me was a beautiful three stone diamond necklace … one for past , one for present and one for future . It was the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen and I instantly loved it . My hands were shaking as I pulled it out of the box and tried to put it on . He sat behind me and helped me with the clasp . It hung perfectly in the middle of my chest and I was over the moon in love with both him and the amazing gift he had given me . I couldn 't have known then that , years later , this was the same necklace that he would be helping some other girl clasp as a birthday gift … one he would meet at work and " fall in love with " … . behind my back . That night we went to a Christmas carnival . It was about an hour or so away from the hotel , but the ride there was full of long talks and laughter . I really enjoyed being in the car with him . We liked the same music and I loved the way he handled the car . Risky , but safe as the same time . We arrived at the park just at the last train ride of the night took off . I didn 't think it was a big deal but Jake … just sort of lost it . He started to raise his voice to the elderly ticket taker and I tried to pull him away as I flashed an awkward " I 'm sorry " smile . My heart raced and I had no idea why he was reacting so intensely . Moments later , after he settled down , we went into the park . The scene was beautiful . Lights covered every inch of each tree , decorations and tons of kids waiting to see santa . The smell of fried food and cotton candy lingered all around in the frozen New England air . We pranced around the park , played bumper cars , and we tried to win one of those giant stuffed animals . We giggled and huddled together trying to stay warm … it was so cold out . Each time a gust of wind blew , I would close my eyes to protect them from the cold and each time I slowly opened them , there was Jake , standing close by . We munched on fried dough and sipped hot chocolate . We got in line for the ferris wheel and boarded when it was our turn . That night , as we sat at the top of the wheel looking at the park and taking in all the sights , everything that I thought was bad in our relationship , suddenly disappeared . I felt happy again . Secure . I looked at Jake and smiled . He pulled out his phone and we took our first picture together . I rested my head on his shoulder , he put his arm around me , pulled me in close and kissed my forehead . Round and round we went . I closed my eyes and could not imagine being any happier than I was at that moment . Both tucked safely into one another . On January 26 , 2017January 26 , 2017 By fireball790In narcissism , UncategorizedLeave a comment As I text my final goodbye to Jake , I powered down my cell phone and placed it snug in the back of the seat in front of me . I crossed my arms and stared out the airplane window . I had so many things running through my mind . I had a few hours to be totally alone with just my thoughts . The plane began to move and before I knew it I was 30 , 000 feet in the air and I felt safe . I felt as if no one and nothing could touch me . I felt a sense of ease because for the next few hours I didn 't need to make any decisions . Yet my mind raced and my heart was heavy . I closed my eyes but could not escape the visual I had of Derek . For the record , Derek wasn 't a bad guy . At the time , he wasn 't trying to nurture our relationship or go out of his way to show me attention or affection . He went to work each day and came home each night . He coached the boy 's youth football team , played semi - pro himself and volunteered his time in the community . We both spent our spare time focused on everything except our marriage . While he was at practice , I was at PTO meetings . While he ran the kids through football drills , I sat on the lacrosse board . We were always busy . We both worked out and occasionally we would spend time together . For me , it just wasn 't enough . Derek didn 't pamper me enough and wasn 't romantic enough . When my birthday would roll around and he didn 't meet my preconceived expectations , I would get upset and tell him he didn 't love me . Looking back , I could not have been more wrong . His way of loving me was through providing a comfortable , stable and ultimately wonderful life for the boys and I . Again , hindsight is 20 / 20 . So , it 's no wonder , when Jake began to show me the attention I wanted , it was like a drug . It drew me closer to him , almost like a high . " He always knows exactly what to say and when to say it " I thought to myself on the plane . I was starting to believe that maybe we were meant to be together . Maybe the day he talked to me in the hallway at school when I first found out I was pregnant happened for a reason . Could it be that I got pregnant with my oldest son so I could meet Jake and all these years later , find my happily ever after ? In my head this seemed possible , and I was starting to believe that it was fate . It made sense because after all , we had so much in common and it was so easy for him to open up to me and be totally truthful . He shared with me that he hadn 't ever been able to open up in that way with anyone . I felt so at ease around him and was also able to just be myself and he seemed to like me just the way I was . It felt so right . As the plane began to descend into Texas , I felt my stomach begin to rise into my throat . Jake was on my mind , but Derek was picking me up from the airport . I missed Jake . I missed the way he held my hand , how he understood me and how I felt around him . I was afraid to see Derek . How was I going to feel around him ? Would he be able to see Jake in my eyes ? I felt transparent and guilt stricken . Per his instructions , as soon as the plane landed , I text Jake and let him know I landed safely . I loved that he worried so much about me already . I tucked my phone into my bag and got off the plane . After collecting my luggage , I met Derek outside at the car . The fact that he waited for me outside was a sure sign that he was not changing his mind about the separation . He helped me load my bag into the car and we made small talk on the way home . Derek was still living in the house , but we were in separate rooms . That night we had a long talk and decided it was time for him to move out . This would be an opportunity for us to see how we felt without each other . I truly didn 't believe we were going to actually separate . In my mind , I thought he would move out and realize how important I was to him , he would vow to change and we would work everything out . After all , he was the one who needed to change in order to fix our marriage , not me . I was everything a man could want . Again , I could not have been more wrong . When I shared with Jake that Derek was moving out , I was sort of surprised at his lack of reaction . He asked a few pragmatic questions like " when is he moving out ? " , " where will he go ? " , " will he pay for the house , bills , etc . ? " . I did my best to answer his questions and the weight of what was happening washed over me . It was 3am when I hung up the phone and I sat on the floor of the bedroom that was " ours " just a month prior . I sat against the wall and I sobbed . I was scared . The fear of the unknown overwhelmed me and I had no idea what to do on my own or where to even start in figuring it out . What did my life look like without Derek ? I knew he and I had problems , but would we end up divorced ? Nothing was certain in that moment . All I knew was that after seeing Jake , I had feelings for him . Strong feelings . It was those strong feelings that help me up off the floor and into my bed that night . I covered myself with the same sheets and comforter that once covered Derek and I … and cried myself to sleep . I woke up the next day with a mean case of cry face . As I moved around the house getting the kids ready for school , I convinced myself that it would probably take anywhere between 5 and 10 days to get over Derek and then I could move forward with a relationship with Jake . Up to this point , Derek was my only relationship and I was incredibly naive to the toll a heartbreak takes on a person . In my defense , I was clueless as to how long it actually took to get over someone and having Jake as a distraction certainly helped me get through the day . As the days went by , the reality set in that Derek was moving out . I got closer and closer to Jake and began planning another trip to see him . It was perfect timing because his brother 's 40th birthday party was coming up and he wanted me to go with him to meet his family . This had to mean something - he wanted to show me off . I didn 't quite know how to handle this but I was excited and flattered . The day Derek moved out , I went to my sister 's house . IThe first weekend apart Derek had the kids , and I hopped on a flight to Boston . I was sad about Derek , but seeing Jake was exactly what I needed . Up to this point Jake was supportive but he didn 't like when I talked to him about Derek , so I learned to avoid that topic . Instead , I talked to my friends about the separation and with Jake all was well in my world . At the time , I understood why he didn 't want to hear it and I was focused on moving forward . This time , getting off the plane in Boston was different . I was filled with excitement and couldn 't wait to wrap my arms around Jake . I left my thoughts of Derek in Texas and I was focused on my time in Boston . When my flight touched down I text Jake to let him know I had landed . He responded quickly saying he was already at the airport and couldn 't wait to see me . The butterflies in my stomach danced around so happily that I could almost taste their colors . I rushed off the plane and practically ran to the baggage claim . I almost fell as I went down the stairs to meet him , I was elated to see him standing there waiting for me . A soon as I could , I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight . My eyes closed as I felt every ounce of him against my body . I inhaled his cologne and time stood still . He grabbed my waist and at the same time , he kissed my face . In that moment , I had never been happier . We joined hands and together we looked for my bag . Hand in hand , we made our way to his car . Honestly , we could not keep our hands to ourselves . I felt amazing . I felt loved . I felt wanted . I felt things I had never felt before and I was in love with that feeling . With him close by , holding my hand , I felt safe . We got to his car and he had a bottle of water waiting for me . " It 's the little things " I said to myself as I got in and buckled the seat belt . On the way to the hotel , we talked and laughed and I felt free . He had my hand in his the entire way there and each time he looked at me from his seat I melted . Those brown eyes , they got me every time . They That night was his brother 's 40th birthday party . I was meeting his family for the first time and I was terrified . Not yet divorced , I felt what I was doing was wrong , but I did it anyway . Jake reassured me that his family would love me . As it turns out , one of my very good friends , Erika , was married to Jake 's brother 's best friend . So , I relaxed knowing she was going to be there . As we drove to his brother 's house I was quiet . I didn 't know what to expect , but Jake was amazing . He told me to just be myself and have fun . I smiled at him and appreciated how patient he was with me . As we pulled into the driveway , I started to sweat and I am pretty sure I had a small , unnoticeable panic attack . After walking in and meeting everyone , I felt better . Erika arrived soon after and helped to ease me into the party with a drink . At one point I was standing in the living room talking to a stranger . I had what was probably the second drink of the night in my hand and I stood there chatting with my new friend . I could feel eyes on me . Eyes burning a hole in the side of my head . I slowly glanced over to my left and there was Jake . He was standing next to his dad and they were both looking at me . Jake holding a drink of his own , wearing that smile and showing off those dimples . Suddenly my body warmed and I melted all over the living room floor . I returned a smile and his widened . His dad looked at him then back at me and he smiled . Right then and there as those familiar brown eyes were set solely on me from across the room of a crowded party , I fell in love with Jake Williams . As the night grew stale and darker , the drinks flowed heavily between all the party guests , ( myself included ) . Jake 's brother , Pete , lit a bonfire at the top of the hill . Jake and I hand in hand walked up the hill to join the group . Waiting for us at the fire was Erika and her husband . Erika disappeared to get a drink and I stayed with Jake and talked to her husband . We continued to talk as Jake made his rounds . A few minutes later , Jake angrily paced around the bonfire a few times then he grabbed me by the hand and quickly led me down the hill toward the house . By the time we got to the door , he was now sort of pushing me in the direction he wanted me to go , but still holding my hand , tighter . I noticed as I tried to keep my balance , his brother and dad were close by looking at us . When we got in the house , Jake began to yell at me . He demanded to know why I wanted to make him look like a fool by talking to another man in front of him . He wanted to know and he wanted to know now . I struggled to make sense of exactly what was happening and when I stumbled over my words trying desperately to tell him what he wanted to hear , he began to call me names . For the first time in my entire life , a man was calling me a bitch … a whore . He was screaming at me and telling me that I had embarrassed him and myself in front of his family . I began to cry and he stormed off leaving me standing alone , intoxicated , scared , confused and in a strange place . As I was trying to figure out what exactly I had done wrong , I looked around and saw Pete talking to Jake . I didn 't know my way around the house so I made my way to the hall entrance , stood against a wall , slid down and cried my eyes out on the hardwood floor . Moments later his dad found me and he sat next to me on the floor . He said Jake was not good for me . He told me to go home and never look back . He said Jake didn 't know how to treat a woman , especially not a good one . He insisted that he would end up hurting me and that I deserved better . Just then Jake walked up to uKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 2 : Heart Wide Open , Eyes Wide Shut … On January 19 , 2017January 22 , 2017 By fireball790In narcissism , relationships , Uncategorized2 Comments As we enter any new relationship , we go in blind . For the most part , we trust until we are given reasons not to . That is what I did anyway . When I met Jake for the second time , I had no reason to not trust him . I had no reason to ever suspect him of lying about anything . After all , I went into it not expecting much of an outcome . I lived in Texas and he was far away in Boston … 1956 . 7 miles away to be exact . I was in the middle of a separation with no idea if Derek and I would work things out or not , but I moved forward . With an open heart and open mind , I got on that plane to Boston . When I landed , I text Jake that I had arrived and I would meet him in the baggage area . He responded quickly that he was almost to the airport . As I got off the plane and walked toward the baggage claim , I had butterflies in my stomach and a dry mouth . I had no idea what to expect . I felt a rush of excitement and lingering guilt at the same time . I was still married to Derek , separated , but married nonetheless . The thoughts of " what am I doing here " and " should I be doing this " were slowly creeping to the forefront of my mind . I arrived at the baggage claim and waited for my luggage to drop . I knew Jake wasn 't there yet , so I waited patiently until I spotted my bright pink suitcase . I scooped it up and walked around the airport with my roller bag behind me , I nonchalantly surveyed my surroundings to see if I could spot him . As I went to sit down , he text me : " I 'm here , on my way " . I began to sweat . That sensation of fear and excitement hit me like a ton of bricks and immediately I had second thoughts . My hands were shaking . I had clue what to do when I saw him , so I started rummaging through my bag looking for nothing but hoping to find my composure . Suddenly , out of the corner of my eye , I saw him walking toward me . I knew it was him without looking up because he had a distinct walk . I actually felt him approaching me and was eager and panicked at the same time . Guilt overwhelmed me and I thought I was going to throw up . There I was , yet again , sitting on the floor when I heard his voice . I looked up and there he stood ; dark hair , dark eyes , tanned skin , and that cologne . As I stood up , he opened his arms to me and I was enveloped by him . My nerves began to simmer and I felt myself relax in his arms . We made small talk about my flight and he grabbed my bag as we headed toward the rental car area . I didn 't know Jake very well so I made a reservation to rent my own car . He apologized to me for this tardiness and explained that he had asked a friend to drop him off at the airport so he could keep me company on the drive to the hotel . On the shuttle headed to the rental car area , Jake and I sat close together , our legs touching . His cologne infiltrated my senses , the warmth of his body floating toward mine , and his presence somewhat calmed me . I looked at him and just felt safe . No idea why , but I did . We had spent a lot of time on the phone talking and texting over the past few weeks and I felt as if I have known him intimately my entire life . As I looked him over , I admired the way he was dressed . He wore a blue and white gingham button down shirt with the cuffs folded up , jeans and those all too familiar penny loafers . For whatever reason , I had always associated him with those shoes . If I didn 't know better , I would have sworn he was wearing the same exact ones from high school . He wore them well . He wore all of it well . His familiar smile rested across his face almost the entire time we sat together . I asked him why he was smiling and he said it was because he couldn 't believe I was there , with him , as he placed his hand lovingly on my knee . That sensation made my heart melt and felt myself falling deeper and deeper into a feeling that this just may be going somewhere … and that scared me . As I sat close to Jake , I thought about my marriage . That sick feeling came over me again and this time I couldn 't shake it . As we locked eyes , I could not help but think about my estranged husband , the father of my three sons . In a flash , I began to relive every moment of the past twenty years with Derek . Everything from getting pregnant , reciting our vows , the happy moments , and to him slowly losing interest in me over time . I can 't say I blamed him . I wasn 't exactly a joy to live with . I was needy , demanding and co - dependent . Although at the time I thought I was perfect . There was so much history between us . So many memories both good and bad . Right then and there … for a few moments , I felt sad and wanted to go home . I was jerked out of my thoughts of Derek as the shuttle grinded to a halt at the rental center . Jake bounced to his feet , grabbed my bag and escorted me off the bus . As we walked , he dragged my bag behind him and opened the doors for me . This was new . And it felt good . " I could get used to this " I thought to myself . Those haunting thoughts of Derek were fading with each chivalrous gesture I was shown . We talked as we stood in line waiting to pick up the rental car . Laughter ensued and my smile grew as he slightly touched my shoulder and arm in a flirtatious way . He knew what he was doing . Texas was a distant memory and I was fully present in the moment with this handsome man who wanted to be with me . We got into the rental car and drove to the hotel I reserved for the duration of the trip . His car was already in the parking lot when we pulled in . As I checked in to the hotel , Jake was by my side with my bag safely behind him . I know it may not sound like much , but the way he cared for my bag made me feel wanted , appreciated … cherished . It was something I never really felt with Derek . Now , it wasn 't that Derek didn 't want me or didn 't appreciate me , it was that he showed it in a different way , his way . The way he displayed affection didn 't mirror my way of receiving affection . It is only now that I can acknowledge this fact and understand where the wires often got crossed . When we got to my room , I opened the door and began to settle in . We made small talk as I unpacked and put away my things . We talked about our plans for the next day . He had to work and I had decided to catch up with some old friends . We started making plans for the next evening and I could feel my stomach begin to knot . As we talked , he moved closer toward me and soon he was finally close enough and gently grabbed my hand . We continued to talk as his face got closer to mine . As he slowly moved in , he carefully placed his hand under my chin , and pulled my face closer to his . I could feel his body moving toward mine and I knew what was about to happen . I thought about stopping him and for a moment I thought again about leaving . But as soon as his hand touched my face … my mind went blank and I let myself go . The excitement rushed through my veins , my heart pounded and my mind raced with all the possibilities of what could happen … what I suddenly wanted to happen . We had our first kiss in that hotel room . Moments later , we walked hand in hand , happily moving down the hallway to his car . That night we had dinner and we talked for hours . He openly shared the details of his past with me . We sat at that restaurant table and he told me about his life after high school . As he moved from story to story , I took it all in with my eyes and ears wide open . I had questions and he had answers . Nothing to him was off limits . I remember thinking how great it was that he was so open . That he was so eager to share so much with me so soon . The way he shared made me feel as if I could trust him , and I started to . I had never met anyone willing to be that raw . His past was colorful and complete with jail time , drug sales , and domestic violence . All the red flags were there that night , but the way he presented them , it all seemed normal and almost romantic . He had reasons why everything happened as it did and said he just felt unlucky . I stared at this man from across the table and felt bad for him . I believed everything he said because he was so " open and honest " . I mean , how could I not ? By the end of the night , I was convinced that Jake was a sweet and genuine man with a string of bad luck who just wanted to be loved … and maybe , just maybe , I was the woman to love him . Jake stayed with me that night at the hotel . I told him I wasn 't ready to take our relationship ( whatever it was ) to the next level and said he respected that . When he didn 't try anything at all that night , I was impressed . He truly respected my boundaries and that made me trust him even more . The next morning , I had plans to meet up with my friend at the local track for a workout . I woke up before Jake , got ready and I kissed him goodbye . From his groggy slumber , he told me he would call me later and I was already looking forward to seeing him that night . I grabbed my keys , flashed a giant Kool Aid smile and with a little pep in my step , hurried out the door . In the car , I was now alone with my thoughts . I began to compare Jake to Derek . I focused on the things that were seemingly unimportant yet they meant the world to me . Opening the car door , kissing me gently and being so open with his feelings and his past . When I thought about Derek , I thought about all the times he didn 't wait up for me at night , turning his ringer off when I called and not touching me nearly enough . At the time , I was more enamored with the illusion of love than I was with the reality of the situation and what really mattered in a relationship . My marriage was ending and Jake seemed like a perfect filler for the void that Derek left in my heart . If I knew then what I know now , I would have listened to my intuition when it told me to get my ass back on that plane to Texas . That gut feeling to go home and fight for my marriage . As I drove , I marveled at Jake 's honesty . I thought about the numerous ex - girlfriends he mentioned and couldn 't believe how they treated him . I could not fathom how anyone could treat such a sweet , honest and loving guy so poorly . I 'm sure he made mistakes , but doesn 't everyone ? A man who was set up by his best friend and served time in prison for something he didn 't do . None of that mattered now . All that came into focus was that he was out of jail , safely in my life and the rest was water under the bridge . The days with Jake passed in an instant and by the time I knew it we were headed back to the airport for my flight home . We said our goodbyes and I boarded that plane with a full heart , hope for the future and a mind in a state of total confusion . I had a lot to consider as I flew back home . From the moment we parted at the airport , I was on the phone with him . Jake wanted to make sure I got through security without any issue and I assured him I did . We stayed on the phone the entire time I waited to board my flight and up until the plane took off , we were texting . I loved the feeling of him wanting to know I was ok . I loved the feeling of being concerned for . I loved the feeling of being wanted . At most , Derek would check on me once a day so this kind of attention for me , was irresistible . As if I were a dry sponge seeking only love and affection and there he was , ready and willing to give me what I craved . All at once I was swimming in an ocean of emotions that were not only foreign but intoxicating . I had no idea that I would slowly drown not only in his attention , but his lies , manipulations , and everything in between . On January 12 , 2017January 22 , 2017 By fireball790In narcissism , relationships , Uncategorized12 Comments I remember sitting on my couch in the living room scrolling through Facebook . I had just gotten home from the gym and the kids were all in school . I was in the middle of my post workout resting routine sipping on a protein shake when I saw his face pop up as ' someone I may know ' . I looked at his face , squinted my eyes and then looked down at the name . Jake Williams . I opened his page to take a closer look . " Holy Shit " . I thought . " He looks exactly the same as he did in high school . " I said out loud to no one . I made his profile picture bigger to study his face . His hair was still jet black and trimmed neatly . His brown eyes that shade of deep brown surrounded by perfectly manicured eyebrows . He was wearing a blue shirt that complimented his dark Italian skin . He was sitting behind a desk with his hands folded in front of him and he was flashing that amazing smile across his face . The type of smile that catches you off guard … those dimples . Suddenly I found myself blushing . He looked as if he were still in good shape . As I scrolled through his pictures I noticed there weren 't many . I thought maybe he just joined and I was right . He had made the page about a month before he popped up on my list of ' people you may know ' . I went back and forth with requesting him as a friend . Back in high school he was a popular jock . He ruled the football field and dominated the basketball court . He always dressed well and seemed to be a nice guy . I did remember , however , he had a reputation for being a ladies man and he was rumored to have cheated on his longterm girlfriend . Though I had no evidence of whether that was true or not . As for me , in high school I was the total opposite of Jake . I wasn 't popular and I didn 't dress well . My parents didn 't have a lot of money and I was one of six kids . I spent most of my time after school and on weekends working and used a majority of the money to help my pareMay 1994 I was in the bathroom of my then boyfriend 's house . Derek and I met during the summer of 1993 . We worked together that entire summer . Derek didn 't seem to mind how I looked . I am sure I thought I looked worse than I did , and after getting to know each other , we clicked . When the summer was over , he went back to college to play football and I went back to my junior year of high school . We continued talking and eventually a relationship blossomed . Not long after , we discovered I may be pregnant . Derek was leaning on the counter and I was peeing on a pregnancy test . Not a word was spoken as we impatiently waited to see the results of the only test I ever hoped to fail . Three minutes later Derek was in tears and I was in shock , alone on his bathroom floor . I was 17 and I was pregnant . I was a junior in high school and Derek was a sophomore in college . After collecting ourselves , we got in his car , silently drove to my house and he left . I sat in my room that night with a heavy mind and no idea what I was going to do . The following day I went to school and mindlessly went to my classes . I couldn 't concentrate on anything . I almost made it through the day but in my 7th period accounting class I asked to go to the bathroom . I didn 't make it very far before the tears started streaming down my face . I was breaking down and had idea where to go and who I could turn to . So I didn 't . I threw myself on the floor , sat against a wall of lockers in the hallway and continued to cry . As I sat there with my hands covering my tear filled face knowing the other students were confined to their classes , I heard a voice . " Are you ok ? " the mystery voice asked . When I looked up I was surprised . No one was supposed to be in the hallway , least of all Jake Williams . After seeing my face , without saying a word he reached for my hand , helped me up and proceeded to walk me to the nurse 's office . He lead me to a room that was safe and empty , sat me down and for the next 20 minutes or so listened to me as I told this beautiful stranger all of my fears . I revealed to him that I didn 't want to be with the baby 's father . I told him I was frightened with no idea what I was going to do . As he handed me tissue after tissue and held my hand and told me that I would be ok . When the nurse came in , he let go of my hand , wished me luck and left . That was the last time I saw his face until it appeared across the screen of my laptop during my post workout routine . I sat with that memory as vivid as if it were yesterday and remembered how he had made me feel that day . He had been on my mind from time to time ever since . The first person after Derek to know I was pregnant . He consoled me during a time where I was so lost and so confused … and he didn 't judge me . Without another thought , I clicked ' friend ' and sat back into my couch with the realization that I had just requested the friendship of the most popular guy in my high school . Suddenly I mentally morphed back to the shaggy haired , insecure nobody I was all those years ago . I was no longer the beautiful bikini competitor and fitness model I started my day as . After finding out I was pregnant , Derek and I decided to keep the baby . We had our son and in the years to follow we did the " right thing " by getting married and soon after we welcomed two more sons . Throughout our marriage we both had resentment and anger and I will admit , most of it was from me . Derek and I loved each other , but not in a passionate way . We began to grow apart and soon it was all too much to handle and we decided to separate . In the midst of my 16 year marriage crumbling , I got a notification that Jake Williams accepted my friend request . I was shocked to say the least . After hitting send on my page , I had completely forgotten I had requested his friendship . Viewing his page was a good distraction from what was going on in my life . A day or so after he accepted , I received a private message from him . I responded telling him we went to highschool together . He responded " No we did not . I would have remembered you " . After a few messages back and forth , he put the pieces together and remembered exactly who I was . He could not believe I was the same person he went to high school with . He even went as far to say that I was the swan at the end of Ugly Duckling . He was not wrong as I had transformed myself over the years . After 3 kids , I had gained a lot of weight . I grew sick of being heavy and I worked hard , lost weight and started to compete in bikini competitions . I was able to tame my hair , learned how to apply makeup and was living a life that was fit and healthy . We began to talk frequently and discovered we had a lot in common . I was a personal trainer with a small gym in my garage . He said he was a trainer too so we chatted about workouts here and there . We seemed to be hitting it off , but I was still married and going through a tough time . It had even crossed my mind to stop talking to Jake , but since he lived in Boston and I was now living in Texas , surely nothing could come of it , or so I thought . Innocently , I continued talking to him . We always had something to talk about and he managed to make me laugh a lot . Laughter was exactly what I needed while going through my separation and before I knew it , I began to have feeling for Jake . I wasn 't sure if the feelings were real or if it was because he was there for me during a tough time , again . But they were there nonetheless . I was so confused about how I felt because although I knew my marriage was ending , I still loved my husband . I wanted to fight for our marriage but I also knew he was not the right person for me . Jake expressed his feelings for me and as the seriousness of my separation set in . Jake could tell I was distracted and that I was going through a lot . He told me to get through what I needed to and to call him when the dust settled . Hearing that from Jake sent me into panic mode . At the time I had no idea why . Looking back on it today iOn January 5 , 2017 By fireball790In Uncategorized4 Comments Why is it you can see things so clearly while looking in the rear view mirror ? Why is it you can 't see what is going on in front of your face , but it is clear as day when looking back on it ? I have no answer for you , but I have a lot of experience with this . I have been looking back on the past five years a lot lately . Those past years have been sitting heavily on my mind a lot lately . They have weighed me down . I have been trying to figure out why . As I have been living my life , breezing through my days , I have seen signs . Number signs . I have been seeing the three digits that have reminded me of him a lot lately , 916 . At first , I thought it was a coincidence , but then I began to see the sequence more and more . At work . Driving . In my living room . I was starting to think maybe it was a sign to reach out to him . To be with him . To care for him . But the other night while I was talking to my friend about the numbers and what I felt they may mean , she pointed out that they may be showing up because they are a reminder that you are where you belong . Wow . She was right . I didn 't think of it that way . Since that evening , I have not seen that number sequence . I sat with that conversation and decided to write about my relationship with someone I felt is a narcissist . I need to tell my story for anyone who is seeing number signs , street signs , or signs from above , to help them realize they are not signs of running back but signs of survival . Evidence of strength . Signs of being where you are supposed to be . And you are supposed to be free . I need to write to help friends and family of someone who feels they may be in a relationship with a Narc . I need to write for the person who is scared . Lonely . Confused . For the person who right now feels less than , because their partner is telling them by manipulation and they are starting to believe it . I was at my house . The house my three sons and I moved into after their dad , and I divorced . The house was a split level . Upstairs was the oversized living room with floor to ceiling windows , up a few steps was the bar area leading into the dining room . A set of French doors leads to the back deck holding the grill and fire pit . Through another door off the dining room and a few steps down was the kitchen making an appearance straight from the 80 's . Around the corner , sat the master bedroom . Downstairs was a large living area and two bedrooms . My oldest son has his room while the younger two shared . While the kids and I were home and my ex - husband 's parents were visiting , my doorbell rang . Confused , I looked at my kids and went to the door . Two women were at the door . As I looked them both over with many thoughts racing through my head , I noticed one had a smile splattered across her face with short brown hair and was on the heavier side . While the other one , the one that looked as if she were in charge , lacked a smile , had short black hair and looked as if she were in running shape . But it was her friendly eyes that some how put me at ease even after noticing the gun placed neatly on her hip . As I looked at the gun , the FBI on her blue jacket screamed for me to notice it , and I did . After a short few seconds we had a brief intro and I was informed they wanted to discuss my then boyfriend Jake . As I let them in , leading them downstairs , I sent my young sons back upstairs to their grandparents . I told all of them in a shaky voice with a sudden case of dry mouth , that they were there to help me redecorate the house . The kids ran for cover at the sound of anything girly and they left us alone to quietly have a private conversation . On December 31 , 2016 By fireball790In Uncategorized1 Comment As each New Year approaches , we all seem to evaluate the year that is about to be behind us and make plans for the new year . What we want to look like , our relationship status , new job , more money in the bank ect … We plot and as we twist our hands over and over in front of us , we plan out how we are going to dramatically change our lives . A year later , as we begin to do the same thing , we realize the plans we had made just a year ago failed to launched . We look the same , for some we are still in an unhealthy relationship , and we never did progress with our job the way we intended . We feel as if we failed and we are more determined to make the next year the year of " ME " . This will be the year I get married . This will be the year I get that promotion . This will the year I look fantastic . The first few weeks in we are READY . Until we are not . Until we give up because the order to change was so tall and unrealistic . This year , for me anyway , I am going out of 2016 with so many victories . I had a good year . Just like you did . But we forget the good because the bad is so bad . And the bad was awful . I had a lot of loss this past year . I cried rivers . I drank to forget . I fell down so much I forgot I had legs . My heart was shattered all over the floor . But I also discovered new friends . I made amazing memories . I climbed mountains I thought were unreachable . Next year will be much of the same . I will cry . I will fall . I will fail . I will most likely have my heart hurt again . But I will also succeed . I have no idea if I will find love , get married or win the lottery . But I know I will live . I will laugh and I will survive . I know I will visit my son in college and cheer him on as he plays lacrosse . I know I will attempt to see my Godson play football in the Fall . I know I will be sitting in the stands as my youngest plays football . I know I will fight my demons , and continue to self discover . But most of all I know if any parts of my life need to change , they will change because of me and the actions I must take if I wasn 't any positive change to happen in my life . If I want a better job , I have to fight for it . Nothing will be handed to me . I know if I want my bank account to grow and my waist to slim , it is all on me to make these changes . The calendar date will do nothing but change itself , in the same way I will need to change myself . For 2017 I will continue . To learn . Let go . Move on . Laugh more . Make amazing memories . Accept me for who I am . Make peace with the reflection in the mirror . I will continue to write , feel , express . I will continue to figure out my bank account . And I will continue to recover . No more New Year , New Me . We don 't want a new you , we want you to Continue being who you are with changes only to better yourself , not change so people will like you . Change because you want to . Change to grow into a better version of you , not a new version of you . |
I ( dachshund Mom ) have really bad hair , really bad . I know all too well that it is a must to use a good shampoo and conditioner . So why did I think dogs were any different ? Last night was bath night for the 4 pups . Yes , it was cold outside but I started the baths early in the evening so they were dry and warm again before they had to go outside for a " business " break . After they were done ( and running wildly through the house ) I realized that my hands were very dry . I applied lotion several times and each time my hands just soaked it up . My hands almost ached they were so dry . A little later I settled in on the sofa to read . As usual the dogs settled in , too . But I noticed that they were all scratching like crazy . Then I noticed that while they all looked fluffy and clean , Bentley and Baylee were very fuzzy . Their coats looked dry , too . Then it hit me . . . the shampoo had dried out my hands and their coats . I had used shampoo bought at PetsMart , thinking that dog shampoo is all the same . After the fact I remembered that I had bought some shampoo and conditioner for Bentley at one of the dog shows . It had aloe vera and oatmeal in it and made his coat very soft and manageable . I definitely need some more of it for the next bath , lesson learned ! First , we destroyed this thing called a " Purr Pad " . We 're not exactly sure what it was suppossed to be but it came in the box with some new beds that our Mom ordered for us . Just to note , we have not destroyed the beds because they are way too warm and comfy , at least for now they are not to be destroyed . Mom put this Purr Pad thing on our sofa , we think she thought the cats would sleep on this thing and their fur would stay off the sofa . But we had other plans when she left the room . We did a remarkable job of getting a large hole in it and shredding it into clumps in just a few minutes . Why she didn 't like our handy work we don 't know . Then came the Christmas tree . O Christmas tree , O Christmas tree how we love the presents under your branches . But our plan to seek , destroy , and lift hind legs on the presents was foiled when one of the moveable , stand alone gates was spread around the tree . We hate those things . This morning we really out did ourselves ! While Mom was getting ready for work one of us ( Sawyer ? ) pulled a Berenstein Bears book off the shelf and ate a hole in the middle of the cover . Others pulled a sheet of stickers off the book shelf and then performed a shred - ectomy . Oh , yes we ate a few , too . MMMMMM . But our final crowning glorious task was to take the unopened package of sequins and beads off the little table in the living room . One of us ( Bentley ? ) took it to the sofa and choose to open the red sequins and the tiny red beads . They looked so beautiful strewn all over the sofa . Very Christmassy , we thought ! When Mom walked in the room she was very upset with us but we don 't understand why . Oh well , tomorrow is another day and we will be on the look out for more things to use to practice our seek and destroy techniques I realized this morning that right now all the dogs are two years old ! Bentley turned two in early November and until Sawyer and Blossom turn three in February all four dogs are the same age . Thank goodness dogs don 't go through the " terrible twos " like children . For the most part they are all adult dogs and the puppy years are behind them , although I still think of them as puppies . Having multiple dogs has been an adventure , but I wouldn 't have it any other way . I can 't imagine just having one little doggie face to greet me when I come home at night ; neither can I imagine only walking one dog . I 'm a firm believer in having two dogs ( same with cats ) since they do to keep each other company and it just seems right . Yes , I know , I have four right now but that 's okay , too ! Last year I didn 't get the dogs ' Christmas picture made until almost New Years . By the time I got the cards and mailed them out it was , well , let 's just say early to mid - January . I really was embarrassed but was determined to send out a card as I had done the first year we were together . I made a note to myself that I would not be late with the picture taking / card sending going forward . The Sunday before Thanksgiving I realized that I had a little time that afternoon when I could try to shoot a picture . Yes , I had many other things I should be doing but I decided that it was time to get out the tripod and have a doggie photo shoot . The day was overcast so the light was perfect . I had wanted to take them somewhere and do the picture in a scenic area . . . in my dreams , right ? So I set up a little Christmas scene on the much used glider in the back yard and commenced to shoot . I 'm happy to say that in the short time I had to do this that it got done . I ordered the pictures the next day and the cards are here , ready to be addressed and mailed . While the project is done I have to confess that 1 ) the dogs would have looked better had they been bathed but it was either bathe the dogs or take the picture that afternoon 2 ) I did not edit the picture . All I did was crop . No pulling one dog from one frame and putting together a composite shot . This is the way they really look . I 'm not thrilled with the picture but it isn 't too bad either . At least for this year I 've kept my resolution ! I haven 't been posting as much as I would like , haven 't been reading blogs as much as I would like . Life is busy . Between the non - productive job , school and preparing for Thanksgiving I 've been busy . And , I 'm tired , too ! Have you ever looked under the sofa cushions for change ? Tonight I moved the sofa for a much needed cleaning of the floor underneath . I won 't go into what all I found under there but let 's just say there were quite a few unfinished raw hide bones ! The dogs were ecstatic ! This was their version of finding change in the sofa cushions ! They all chewed and chewed and have now passed out , probably dreaming of the next sofa cleaning ! Posted by This is easy . Your dog won 't eat ? Easy solution : feed them kitty kibble . Yes , that 's right . Feed them kitty kibble . That 's what I did last night and the dogs chowed down . No , it was not intentional . It was an absent minded mistake ! This group of dogs is so different with their eating practices . Every dog that I 've ever had expected to be fed at a specific time each evening . If I didn 't fill the food bowl at precisely the appointed time the dog ( s ) would ( a ) sit by the bowl and stare at me or ( b ) run around me in circles until I got with the program and fed them . Then they would begin to eat as soon as the food was in the bowl . But not this group of dogs . I can feed them early or late and they don 't care ; they never get concerned about the empty food bowls unless it is getting really late . When I do fill the bowls they don 't get too excited . Meal time is a leisurely experience . I know it is not a good practice but I just leave the bowls down for an hour or more until they have finished . Last night I had school . And a final exam . Plus I was thinking about work , Thanksgiving , house cleaning , tree trimming and everything under the sun except what I was doing . I fed the dogs before I left for school , putting yogurt and oatmeal topping on top of each bowl of kibble . Before I left I looked in the kitchen and the bowls were almost empty . Bently and Blossom were just gobbling down the food . Wow , I thought , they must have been really hungry . So I went back to re - fill one of the bowls with a little more kibble just in case one of them didn 't get enough . And then I realized what I had done : I had filled their bowls with the kibble that Lacey eats . No wonder they were gobbling down their food . What a treat for them ! I 'm sure they were expecting the same tonight when I filled their bowls , how disappointed they were ! No more kitty kibble for you , my dears ! Really , look at me . I 'm just that sweel little warm , brown , fuzzy puppy that rode home from Louisiana in your lap . I 'm not a b . d . ( bad dog ) . Now , look Mom , just because I 've learned to climb over the baby gate on one side of the kitchen and then push aside the stand alone gate when you leave doesn 't mean I 'm a b . d . Come on , give me credit . I thought it was pretty smart . And I didn 't do anything while I was loose in the house . No , it was that silly little Blossom dog who went under the gate after I got out and then she proceeded to shred your Sunday paper . So don 't blame me for that . She was also the one that did the poop in the dining room , I know it was her , she did it ! It 's not my fault , I didn 't do it ! Posted by Our human mom got a new car . But , dog - gone it , she makes us ride in a crate in the back . No more breathing on the windows and piling into her lap while she drives , or so she says . We 'll see how long this crate thing lasts . I felt so bad for Sawyer last night . I had school and couldn 't get out of the office a little early like I usually do , so I was on a tight schedule to get home , let the dogs out and get back out the door . I fed the dogs because I never know what time I will get home and I feel bad if it is late and they haven 't eaten . Then I decided to eat two pieces of cold pizza , just in case class ran late ( which it did , glad I ate the pizza ) . I was standing at the sink , eating the pizza ; all the dogs , except Sawyer , were eating . He was standing in the laundry room by the door into the garage . I asked him what he was doing , and he just looked at me and wagged his tail . The scene continued for a minute or two and then he began to whine . He has a soft whine , but it is a very sad little whine . Then I realized what he wanted . . . he wanted to go for a walk . He had been looking up at the dryer the whole time he was standing there - his harness and the lead was on top of the dryer . Then I felt so bad because I knew there would be no walk for him . I felt like a real bad doggie - mama when I put them in the kitchen when I left a few minutes later . Poor Sawyer , he is such a sweet - hearted dog and he just wanted a walk . Sawyer loves to run the fence when the neighbor 's dogs are out . When I tell him to " leave it " or to " get away from the fence " he always gives me this look . I think he is saying , " Aw Ma , do I have to ? Don 't you understand - there are dogs on the other side of our fence ! " I don 't know why everyone thinks I 'm a dog . Okay , I know I have four short little legs and I walk on all four and I just happen to have a body shaped like these other creatures who really are dogs . But I am not a dog . Look into my face , look at my eyes . Don 't you see , I 'm not a dog . I am Baylee , the beautifully elegant . . . well , I don 't know what I am , but I am not a dog . If these other creatures were not here I know that my life would be so different . For one thing , I would not have to sleep in the kitchen with that Sawyer boy - dog . I would have my own little crate next to my human Mama 's bed . And I 'm sure I would not have to eat that kibble food , although it really isn 't too bad when it is mixed with some sweet potatoes or fresh veggies . Plus , I would not have to tolerate the wild playing and rough housing that goes on between the creatures . Do you really think I enjoy having you pull on my ears and roll me around ? Enough of that nonsense ! And that Bentley boy - dog , good grief , he will not leave me alone . I know he just adores me , but I really get tired of his flirting and what is with that trying to jump on my back . Really , guy , I 'm spayed and not interested in that stuff . Thank goodness my Mama doesn 't crate me with him . He just can 't leave me alone . He is a dog , I am not . The only itsy - bitsy thing that might make me be like a dog is that I love the trash . If I find a bag waiting by the door to be taken out , it is all mine ! Rip , rip , rip and it is all out and over the floor ! Mmmm , garbage . But my fondness of trash is just my little secret . Oh , did I mention that I love to chase cats , too . But I am not a dog ! Blossom is over 2 1 / 2 years old , so she is now an adult and her coat has reached its max , so to speak . It is nice but not over luxurious either . However , her ears and tail are amazing ! Last night I was experimenting with the camera and she just happened to pose so I could shoot her ears . They were not combed and she needs a bath , but while I could get her to look at me I took pictures ! I made a late afternoon trip to PetsMart to buy the usual stuff ( food , cat litter , toys ) and I remembered that I have been meaning to write this post ever since the Reliant show . It is a usual thing for PetsMart to have an adoption going on on Saturday but today they had probably 30 or more dogs for adoption . They had big dogs and small dogs , no really young puppies . There were lots of cats and kittens , too . Since it was late in the day I had the feeling that most of these would be going back to either a shelter or their foster homes . I didn 't stop to really look at the dogs , it just breaks my heart to think that they need a good , loving home . I know my house is full , so I have to just keep walking ! Thought # 1 : I 've always been a supporter of the spay / neuter concept . All of my animals , with the exception of Bentley , are spayed or neutered . When Bentley finishes ( no wait , when I give up ! ) then I will have him neutered , too . I 've had several people in the neighborhood ask me if I want to breed him and I always have to think " no , not to your quite right dachshund that obviously has some mysteries in the family tree " . If all dog owners spayed / neutered their dogs there wouldn 't be so many dogs looking for homes . Leave the breeding to experts who understand bloodlines and genetics ! Thought # 2 : These dogs are the first dogs that I 've had that were purebred dogs ( other than the poodle that wandered up one night ) . I 've always had shelter dogs or little mutt dogs . They were all good dogs . If you research your breed you will know about the characteristics of the breed and any special needs they have . For example , dachshunds bark and burrow because they were bred to hunt small animals that lived underground . They are also known to be stubborn , but really they are just intelligent , independent thinkers . And , the standard dachshund can have serious back problems . If you buy a purebred dog from a reputable breeder you will meet the parents and you will have all your questions answered about the breed and your puppy . The breeder can tell you about the puppy 's bloodlines and your puppy will be well socialized , too . You will know what to expect from your dog and how to approach training . I have nothing but good things to say about supporting a shelter , but I have also come to realize the value of a purebred dog . Thought # 3 : At the Reliant show there were the show dogs and vendors , lots of good vendors . But there were several long rows of rescue groups with booths set up . Of course , they all had dogs there that were available for adoption . I told another steward that I was walking around with that I had learned it was best not to make eye contact with any of the dogs ! I couldn 't stay in the rescue area very long , it was just too sad for me ! But I was also reminded what wonderful , loving people work with rescue programs . Most of the dogs are in foster homes because their owners just couldn 't keep them but wanted them to have a loving home . Sometimes , though , the former owner didn 't research the breed before getting the dog and they weren 't prepared for the dog 's behaviors and attitudes . I spent several minutes with the dachshund group and thought to myself that if I didn 't already have a houseful how easy it would be to take a rescue dog for a pet . So I need to conclude this lengthy post . Here 's the main point : Do not buy a puppy in a pet store or along side the road . If you want a shelter dog , check out the dog carefully since you don 't know where the dog came from and what breed characteristics he may have . Only buy a purebred dog from a reputable breeder . Consider adopting a rescue dog , too . And please , spay or neuter your dog as soon as they are old enough . I still have this idea that I can make Bentley into a show dog . Kinda like a " Rocky " or " Karate Kid " story , the little underdog that makes it big . I know , I know but I can always dream , right ? He is a good looking dog and , for the most part , does well in the ring . I keep thinking that if I can get some weight on him and get his coat to look a little better that he might at least get a few points . There are some fall shows coming up so I decided to get serious about getting him ready . Step one : diet . One thing that I really haven 't been doing is feeding the dogs an egg on a regular basis . It is easy enough to open a can of green beans and divide it among their bowls . Same with yogurt or matchstick carrots . So tonight as I was boiling some eggs for my lunches I decided that I would make several extra for the dogs . When I divide food among the dogs I always wonder if everyone really gets a fair portion since they all eat out of each other 's bowls . So to make sure that Bentley really got a whole egg I decided to resort to a little sneakiness . I had seen him and Sawyer standing by the back door earlier so I took one of the eggs in my hand and opened the door without calling them . Sawyer had disappeared but Bentley was still close by and he went out with me . First part of the mission was successful ! I led him away from the door so the others couldn 't see him get the egg . I knew that they would get theirs later so I didn 't feel too sneaky . I held out the egg expecting him to take it and proceed to chomp it down . No , instead he just smelled and licked it . I finally had to break it up in chunks for him and then he started to eat it . But he ate it very slowly and very politely . It took him several minutes to finish the one egg ! I think he realized he had no competition so he didn 't need to gobble but I also wondered if deep down inside he is just a well - mannered little house dog that has to be Mr . Big Stuff with his peers ! I have a large wire crate in my breakfast room . No problem . I have baby gates in various doorways . No problem . I have stand alone gates that move from place to place , too . No problem . When I first got the dogs I did a lot of reading about crate training . I had never crate trained a dog , but I felt sure that it was the right thing to do for my new little puppies . One of the articles pointed out that using a crate for your dog was no different than putting your baby in a crib or a playpen . Aha ! The light went on for me . Why do we put babies in playpens ? So they are safe and can 't get into anything while we are occupied with another task ( like laundry and dishes ) . The article continued with the same idea about using a gate to secure the area where you wanted the dog to stay . Why do we put up gates when there is a baby in the house ? To keep them out of unsafe areas and to set their boundaries . Same thing for dogs ; it is a practicle way of preventing accidents and destruction and a way to keep the dogs safe , too . Sometimes I think that I shouldn 't have to block off rooms with a gate in the doorway , the dogs should know better than to go in a room and get into something they should not be into . But they are dogs and dogs will be dogs ! Speaking of puppies - I was excited to find this picture of little Blossom ( It was digitally mis - filed in some campinig pictures ) . It was made in late April 2010 so she was about 10 weeks old . Posted by The 4 - pack here . . . human Mama has been busy and not writing so she 's letting us write ! Yippee ! So here 's what we 've been doing while she 's working , doing school and having fun over Labor Day . Baylee : I went to the vet for my 2 - year check up . My gotcha day was early in August so my check ups are in August . The vet told me I 'm very healthy but I 've gained 13 ounces so I have to get back into the walking habit . I also had no poop to donate for a sample but , oh well , I probably don 't have any parasites since no one else around here does . Blossom : I 've been busy sunning myself in little sunny spots on the deck whenever I go outside . I like to lay there until I 'm really hot and panting ! Mmmm feels so good ! And , oh yes , Aunt Carole was here for a visit and I did a big puddle of pee - pee in her room ! I just couldn 't resist not having a gate across the guest room door ! Sawyer : I 've been real busy running the fence these days when I go outside . Two dogs have moved into the house behind us . A pug and ( I think ) a lab or some kind of good size dog . It is my duty to defend my property from those little pesks . I bark real loud and run real fast , so I think I 'm doing a great job ! I 've also perfected the technique of moving the stand alone doggie gate in the kitchen ! Bentley : Hey , I 'm just one good looking fun loving dachshund , you know . I entertained Aunt Carole by licking her toes as much as I could get away with . I just love to lick bare skin . I don 't understand why I get fussed at for licking ! I 've decided that I just need to ignore my human Mama for the most part . Doesn 't she understand that I 'm an independent thinker and I don 't need her to manage me ? The temperature has come down , thank heaven , so I can think about getting outside again . Tonight I decided it was time to comb everyone and to trim their toenails ( a paw - di - cure ! ) . I know from past experience to leave Sawyer until last since he does not like to be primped . I combed the other three and then cut Miss Blossom 's toenails . She just looked at me with her big eyes like she was thinking that she just wanted the ordeal to be over with quickly . Baylee was next but after I picked her up I remembered that she goes to the vet next week for a check up so I 'll let them do hers . Then I realized that both of the boys had disappeared . When I looked around I had to laugh - they were both sitting in the yard like statues ! I know that they were thinking that they were invisible and I wouldn 't be able to find them ! But they were found and had the dreaded nail trim ! And guess who was the best behaved of all four . . . Sawyer ! I love cheese , just about any kind . I like it on food , in food , and as a snack . If I want a snack before bedtime I usually eat cheese , either a few slices from a deli bought cheese or a few cubes carved off a block . Since this is an acceptable snack for the dogs I usually share a few bites with them , and they love it ! Since Jaydon has been gone and I was travelling during July I did not grocery shop . If I ran out of something I didn 't worry about replacing it . Cheese was a non - essential item so when it was gone , it was gone . Well , yesterday I was pretty much out of everything so I went grocery shopping . Last night , close to the 10 o ' clock news time , I went in the kitchen to prep the coffee and do a few pre - morning chores . When I was done I opened the refrigerator and the tray where I keep the cheese . Instantly , I had four little noses trying to get in the tray ! I didn 't say anything ( they know the word cheese ) , I just reached down and opened the tray . How did they know that I had bought cheese and that it was down in the tray again ? Mom told me I 'm a good traveler and a great companion . I don 't get car sick anymore , but Mom still keeps a towel handy and she doesn 't feed me very much before I ride either . I usually ride in her lap , like I did on the trip home from Louisiana when I was a puppy but I don 't fit so comfortably now . On the way home Sunday I was so tired that I did curl up on the passenger seat and sleep for almost an hour , wow ! I 'm good in the hotel , only bark a little and no uh - oh 's anywhere either . Of course , I make friends and attract admirers where ever I go ! However , we did have a little episode after we got home . The other dogs were still at the resort , so it was just me and mom . After being constantly with my mom and sleeping in that big ole bed for two nights my mom put me in the crate when bedtime came on Sunday night . Can you believe it ? She locked me in the crate . I hate to be in the crate by myself and she knows that . It is the one thing that I just can 't deal with . First she had tried to just put me in the kitchen but she only put one gate out and I pushed it aside . I quickly ran to her bed and jumped on top of her and smothered her with kisses . I thought she was happy to see me because she actually let me stay on the bed for a while . But then she told me I was moving around too much so she put me in the crate , all by myself . That 's okay though I got even with her . I cried , yipped , yapped , howled , barked , and scratched on the crate until 4 : 30 a . m . Ha ha on her , her alarm goes off at 5 : 30 ! And , just to show her when she put me outside at 5 : 30 I threw myself against the glass door and had another total doggie meltdown with my loudest barking ever . I think she got the message because she came right outside with her coffee and sat on the glider with me . Ah , my mama loves me again ! Bentley here , on the road with human Mom ! Mom feels real proud of herself that she has finally made me tired , and , to tell the truth , I am worn out , so to speak . Seven hours in the car yesterday and a night in a hotel ( had to bark at every noise you know , and I had to lick Mom 's face frequently , too ) made me tired before the day started . There are a lot of dogs in our hotel and they started making noise in the hall around 6 : 00 a . m . At 6 : 30 Mom got up and took me out for a little walk . Then , OMG ! , she bathed me in a big walk in shower . I wasn 't too sure about that , and neither was she but I turned out nice and clean ! Then she brought me some egg from the breakfast downstairs . Yum , that is a treat ! Then we headed out for a morning adventure . We went down a back road over to Marshall Pottery . Mom read on the internet that they were pet friendly so she didn 't have to sneak me in in the stroller . There were a lot of long - haired dachshunds at this show . There were 2 of us in my class today , and I got second place . After we got back to the car Mom told me the judge was blind because I was clearly the better dog and Mom was a much better handler . Oh well , tomorrow is another day and another judge . We went back to our hotel and laid down for a nap . Mom said it was too hot to do anything and she could tell I was tired . To her amazement , I actually laid down with her and napped . After Mom did some checking on the internet we started out to a nearby state park . On the way she kept seeing signs for Lake ' O the Pines so we headed down another small road to find the Lake instead . Mom likes adventures like that , and I think I do , too . We found the lake and got out and walked around . It was still very hot but we explored a little . We drove back to Longview and went back to the convention center where the dog show is being held to make some evening pictures . Mom had me on a long lead and since there wasn 't any one around and no traffic to worry about she dropped the lead and let me explore this little park . She said that I needed to just have some quiet time to explore and run around . I just got home from the Reliant Show . I think the dogs must have a wild time at their " resort " because they have already passed out and we just got home ! Too many all night bark parties at that place ! When I left them on Thursday they were not happy with me . Sawyer saw them coming for him and wrapped the lead around my legs and then sat between them thinking he was safe . He even managed to break away and try to run back to me after being led away but he was quickly captured ! And Blossom managed her biggest little dog growl at everybody , but nobody was fooled ! When I picked them up today there was a lot of barking and jumping when they came out of the kennel area . Trying to get them hitched up was crazy . To tell the truth , I was glad to see them , too ! While working at the show from time to time a dog would come up and nudge my leg for attention and the handler would usually apologize . My reply was always , " it 's ok , I 'm a dog person ! " but really it made me feel good to feel a cold wet nose and to use that as an introduction to scratch a muzzle . Her prices are very reasonable . And , I asked her what is inside the rim to make it stay open . It is NOT wire , it is rows of stitching that make it stiff , So they are completely safe ! On Saturday Bentley showed around 10 a . m . and I had to start steward work at 11 a . m . I knew I wouldn 't be done until around 4 : 30 p . m . and would have to crate him while I worked . I can leave him briefly in the little green carrier , but it is not really large enough to leave him for any length of time . So , even though I had told myself I wasn 't spending any more money on dog stuff , I bought a collapsible 24 - inch wire crate . I have a 24 - inch crate but it has to be assembled and it is a pain and usually the door won 't latch ; the collapsible crate is much better ! I can 't have him with me while I 'm working , but I couldn 't bear to leave him unattended for that long in the grooming area . He would have thought I had " abandoned " him and flipped out . Sounds silly , but dogs have feelings and emotions . I know a lot of people leave their dogs crated in these areas during the day and even overnight , but I can 't do that to my dog . So I parked his crate ( on the cart ) in the aisle between the rows of rings . This area is a prep area for dogs entering the ring and the rules state that dogs can 't be left in this area after the competition ends for their breed . However , I was willing to try it . I put him behind me so I could glance over my shoulder and watch him . At first he stared at me just like in this picture above . Mom , why are you doing this to me . At one point I heard him scratching and another time or two he was barking and I had to tell him to hush . The ring had a short break so I got up to go to the bathroom . I stopped to pet him through the crate and talk to him first . As I did a lady came up to me and asked me if Bentley was my dog . I remembered that several times when I had glanced at him I had noticed her talking to him . I told her , yes he was mine . She had been worried that he really was abandoned ! I chatted for a moment and thanked her for her concern The last two breeds to show were German Shepherds and Australian Shepherds , big dogs . I heard Bentley barking just as the German Shepherds were starting and looked around to see a guy letting his 2 dogs tease Bentley . I 'm not sure if it was intentional or if he wasn 't paying attention . I couldn 't leave the table , but after a minute or two I was ready to just yell out at the guy to watch his dogs . About that time he pulled them away . Grrrrrr ! Bentley just couldn 't deal with the big dogs ( can 't blame him , really ) so as soon as the ring next to us was done and I had a chance to get up , I moved the cart over next to it . He sat quietly until my ring was done and at that time I got up and pulled him over to me . While we were closing the ring one of the men who had showed an Australian Shepherd came over to me and said that he should have realized that Bentley was my dog by the way he was staring at me ! He said he had been watching Bentley and that he had never taken his eyes off of me ! We laughed and then I asked him , " do you think this dog is spoiled ? " and the other steward quickly replied , " no way " . There was lots of laughter from everyone ! I promise this will be the last post about the Snuggle Sacks ! Well , maybe but these dogs keep looking so dog - gone cute in and on them ! They just love them and can 't stay out of them or off , either ! So here are a few more pictures : I 've just spent three days at the dog show here in town . I showed Bentley twice and worked as a Steward twice , too . Since I 've been going to the shows for the last year I am familiar with most of the vendors and the stuff they sell , but I still like to look . I felt guilty because my first purchase was for me ; a Laurel Burch bag and a scarf ( had to have , right ? ) . Yesterday I needed a crate pad to go in the new collapsible crate that I bought to use for Bentley . There were several vendors with pads so I shopped around . One was offering " Snuggle Sacks " . I wasn 't sure if my pack would actually snuggle in it but Sawyer is a burrower so I thought I would get it for the crate and then take it home to see the reaction . Well , they love it ! I 'm going back to the show briefly today and plan to get another one ! Bentley stuck his head in briefly . I think he associates this with the crate so he wasn 't too interested . ( More on the crate in another post ) I did have to spray it with Bitter Apple because , as usual , they were chewing on it . Usually the Bitter Apple is like a seasoning to them but it did stop them , at least for a while . I will not leave it in the crate or with them when they are confined in the kitchen because there is some kind of metal wire inside the edge that helps to keep it open and I would not want them to chew through the sack and get whatever is inside ! I bathed all four dogs tonight . I don 't know if I was just on a roll or what ! I decided that while the bathtub was already dirty and everything was out I might as well do all four . I accomplished this in less than an hour , too . For some reason I 've never thought to photograph the dogs during their baths so tonight I grabbed the camera and here 's what I got : I didn 't get her picture until she was already out of the tub . Here she is , all clean and ready to run and roll on every rug she can find ! She loves bath time and will usually just sit down in the tub while I bath her . Little diva ! I had bought some shampoo and conditioner made with aloe and oatmeal at a recent show . Since he is showing this weekend I thought I would try it out . I 'll report on it later . He is used to fairy regular baths , ah the life of a show dog . Sawyer figured out what was going on and hid from me . He does not like baths or pawdicures , no girly stuff for this big boy . As hard as he tried to pout he still couldn 't help closing his eyes while I lathered him up and gave him a little massage . One of the first questions I asked Kelly before I got Blossom and Sawyer was about how much grooming long haired dachshunds require . Her response , very little . They need a bath about once a month and do not stink like regular dogs . I try to comb them every few days but it only takes a minute or so for each dog . If I don 't comb them they do get matts in their ears and around their rear legs . I also clean out their ears with each bath , but that is quick and easy to do . Like most dogs they need a pawdicure every now and then , too . I probably should put this on my other blog about life 's simple joys but the dogs discovered a simple way to have fun tonight while we were on our walk . As we passed a side street I noticed that there was a fairly sizable stream of water starting to flow from the side street down to where we were and on down the way to a drainage ditch . Yep , as soon as Sawyer saw the water he was running full force to it , dragging me , the other dogs and the stroller right to the water ! As we followed the path of the water they had so much fun running and playing in the water . Although it didn 't look over an inch deep their undersides still got wet ! What fun to run through the water on a summer evening and to be cooled off ! Okay , so what do those four items have in common ? Of course , that 's right ! They have all been destroyed by the dogs . I finally have learned not to leave my shoes out , especially the expensive dressy ones . I 've learned that lesson the expensive way ! If the shoe is in the floor , eat it they say ! Shoes go in the closet . Last Sunday afternoon while chatting on the phone with my sister I heard a noise in the kitchen . I didn 't really pay attention or get up to go see what it was . Well , it was the sound of a bag of trash being pulled over ! The bag was tied up and ready to go out but Blossom had other plans . By the time I got in the kitchen there was trash everywhere ( and bacon grease , too ) . I know better than to leave a bag of trash out , trash goes in the can in the garage ! I think Legos must be a delicacy for the dogs . They just love to munch on them . I know that Legos have no scent but I think the dogs can smell them . No matter how careful we are to pick them all up , it seems that they always find one or two . Legos go in the closet , too ! Congratulations , Blossom ! You have now eaten 4 sets of circular knitting needles . Does the bamboo taste good ? Yes , the metal ones were a little tough but you managed to at least eat the cord on them . The last ones were tucked into the basket , with the lid closed , but that didn 't stop you , did it ? Now they are in a zipper bag in the basket , but wait you eat zippers , too don 't you . Knitting and knitting needles go up high , away from little doggie noses ! Sawyer gave me quite a fright this morning . Now , I do not wake up easily ; I run on auto - pilot for at least an hour and / or until the first two cups of coffee kick me awake . This morning I stumbled into the kitchen , opened the crate and the gate into the kitchen just like every morning . Three dogs started their morning greeting , in the dark . Sometimes Sawyer ( like me ! ) is a little slow to rise and shine but this morning he was just laying on his bed , on his side with legs straight out . I called his name and still no movement . Not awake at all , I wondered what was wrong with him . He was perfectly fine at bedtime . I called his name again , no response . Now I 'm thinking that I 've lost him , my beloved Sawyer companion . Not willing yet to accept this fact I call his name , loudly and sharply . Well , up jumps Sawyer and looks around with a puzzled look like , " what happened , I must have overslept " . He must have been in deep sleep because he was out , playing possum as my grandmother used to say ! So what else happened today in doggie world ? I decided to take the dog stroller along tonight on our walk . Baylee seems to really struggle on our walks , she keeps up but I know it is an effort . She is too heavy for me to carry and to handle the other three . Plus it is warm and she is warm and very furry so I just can 't carry her . I started out pushing the stroller with one hand and the dogs on the other . But the stroller is a three - wheeler and really needs two hands to control it . So I clipped the leads onto the clip on the stroller . When Baylee got tired I put her in the stroller . She loved it ! I had to be ready to intervene quickly if the others decided to veer off to smell something ! Baylee jumped out at one point , bumped her head but it didn 't seem to phase her at all . Blossom had a turn in the stroller but she really likes to walk . I stopped to talk to some dachshund owners tonight , too . Just one problem : As we neared my house they saw Lacey and decided they really needed to chase her . Baylee jumped out of the stroller , all three bolted and then the flimsy clip on the stroller broke . Ha ha , though , the joke was on them because tethered together they didn 't go very far very fast ! Yesterday Sawyer & Blossom had their 2 year check up and got their bordetella vaccinations . Blossom weighed in at over 10 pounds ( still a mighty mini ! ) and Sawyer tipped the scales ( almost literally ! ) at over 16 pounds . I was excited until the vet asked me why he had gained so much weight and what were we going to do to lose some of it . I blamed the grain - free food , which was the truth . It added weight to all the dogs except Bentley . I had already decided to put the dogs back on the Eukanuba Dachshund formula and the visit to the vet confirmed the decision . We have also gotten out of the walking habit except for walks at the park so that needs to become a habit again . After I thought about the weight gain I decided that I 'm not worried . He really isn 't over weight , but I do need to keep an eye on it . As we went into the vets office I was carrying Blossom but Sawyer was on the ground . He was bouncing along until we got to the door of the vets office . Then he just stopped and refused to go through the door ! After we got inside the exam room Blossom started growling . She sounded like a really big dog and everyone had a good laugh . But she was really funny while the vet was examining her , she was shaking like crazy . Poor doggie ! I have this picture in the album that rotates for the desktop background on my work computer . All the pictures either make me smile or remind me of a place I would like to be . Today when I saw this picture it made me smile , but then I had to start laughing . Now I know these fellas well enough that I know what they were thinking while I struggle to get this picture . I had planned to go to a guided nature walk at one of the parks this morning ; however , it started at 8 a . m . and that was just a tad too early this morning ! So a while later I took Bentley and Sawyer over to the park for a walk . There was a lot of crying and carryin - on by the girls who were left behind , but they will get their turn soon . I made a few pictures but learned a lesson . If I want to make pictures of a dog there needs to be just one dog . And for best results the pictures need to be made in the late afternoon when the light is softer . But just for the record here are a few from today : After the walk ( which was probably about a mile ) I took them into the dog park . They weren 't too enthusiastic about being there . They might have just been tired , but it occurred to me that the last time they were there they weren 't overly excited either . I think it is because they are a " pack " all the time and don 't really feel the need to socialize with other dogs . On previous trips they would run around and explore the area but today they just sat and looked at me like , " what are we doing in this place " . I also noticed while we walked that some people would hold their dogs back but others would let their dog run up to meet Bentley and Sawyer . I held the leads tight in that case , and most of the time they tolerated the other dog but I think they would just as soon not make friends . Again , I think it is because they are part of a " pack " . I 'll try the dog park again but I would just as soon walk the trails myself so we may just stick to that . Bark , Bark , Bark , hey Mom , pay attention . Now there are two guys getting out of the truck . Whoa , they are coming up the driveway . Intruder alert , intruder alert , Bark , Bark , Bark . Never fear , mother dear , your fearless pack of doxies will protect you . Bark , Bark , Bark . What do you mean , it 's ok , stop barking . No , no , no , listen to us . Bark , Bark , Bark . Intruder Alert ! Wait Mom , don 't go out there . They are strangers , No , no don 't go . And stop telling us it 's ok , it is not ok . Bark , Bark , Bark . Mom , what are you doing out there with these guys . You 're walking around all over the yard and pointing at the ground . Please , listen to us . Bark , Bark , Bark . Whew , that was close . We are glad you are safely inside with us again . But wait , those guys are still out there . Bark , Bark , Bark . Mom , they are digging holes in the yard . No , no , you can 't let them do that . You always fuss at us when we dig holes . Bark , Bark , Bark . Why are you closing the doors ? Now we can 't see what is going on , but we know they are still out there . Bark , Bark , Bark . Hey Mom , one of the guys is at the front door and he 's ringing the doorbell . Be careful . Bark , Bark , Bark . What did he say ? Did he just ask you if we were long haired dachshunds . Whoa , and he just said that he loves dachshunds ? Bark , Bark , Bark , this guy is ok . If we had know that he loves dachshunds we would have felt better about having him dig up holes in the yard . Without even trying I caught a few cute pictures last week . While I was making pictures of the small lakes in the back yard the pups posed themselves in a few pictures . I found it much easier to take these pictures than the ones where I 'm trying to get them to look cute ! Sawyer was a little camera shy ; he was having too much fun in the water ! I am captivated by the small , simple things of life and am always surprised by the joy they bring to me upon their discovery . In the past few years I have found enjoyment in sharing them with others through the written word and photographs . This blog is a creative effort that reflects the things I love , both great and small . Sometimes I share other subjects , but always in the spirit of bringing peace and joy to the reader . |
Rudy sat in the living room admiring the photo of the Mommy in her space suit . She was standing in front of something that didn 't exactly look like a rocket , but since it was at NASA , it obviously was a rocket . Perhaps Mommy 's project didn 't have to do with turnips after all , since the picture showed her wearing her space suit . Rudy wondered how Mommy liked it in space , and what she did there . Maybe she was working on how to grow turnips in a space suit , or maybe on the moon . The mommy looked good in her space suit , but the helmet didn 't look very comfortable . How would she be able to smoke in space with that helmet on ? Mommy wouldn 't like it if she wasn 't able to smoke . And how would you eat with that helmet on ? Maybe she only went up between meals . It wouldn 't be a problem that way . Rudy was tired , and she fell into a doze while looking at the photograph . Her thoughts became a dream , and in it she , Peep and LT were floating in space . Oddly enough they weren 't wearing space suits , yet they could breathe perfectly . It was difficult to move in space . Rudy flailed her legs but didn 't go anywhere . LT was in motion and he bumped into her and each of them shot off in opposite directions . Peep called to them to come back to her , but they couldn 't . Rudy started to panic . What could she do ? How could she get home ? She couldn 't even see the earth from where she was . She twisted her head , and caught a glimpse of it over her shoulder . It seemed so far away . Rudy found herself moving into a cloud of small to medium sized pebbles and rocks . What were they doing up here ? One approached her , and Rudy pushed herself off of it and back towards where she could see Peep in the distance . It was hard to see a black cat against the darkness of space , but there was a cat - shaped darker spot in front of the stars that had to be Peep . She moved slowly towards Peep and called out for LT , telling him to find a rock and push off it towards the Peep . Two large figures were also moving towards Peep , both wearing space suits . Posted by The Olympic coverage this past week or so has been a little less comprehensive than I had expected . The sportscasters have highlighted athletes from just about every country and doing almost every sport , but one segment of the coverage has been shamefully lacking . They have not profiled a single cat athlete . Admittedly , few cats actually make the Olympic teams , but that is not for lack of trying . Cat athletes have a rigid schedule , just the same as human athletes . They are allowed no more than 12 hours per day of sleep , and close to competitions most cats are allowed a mere 9 hours of sleep per day . They are kept on strict diets consisting of tuna , tuna and more tuna - the thought being that it is both food for the brain and the stomach , and what cat wouldn 't do his or her best for tuna every day ? The coaches ( god forbid , don 't call them trainers ) mercilessly beg their athletes to practice for longer periods each day , aiming for a goal of 30 minutes at one time . It is rarely achieved , as cats are not known for their cooperation . As they say , if they were they would be called " dogs " . I 've included a few photos of notable cat athletes , with a brief sketch on each of them . No , none made their national teams , but we honor their efforts the same way we honor our human athletes who try but do not win the gold . Photo courtesy of 1room1key - http : / / flickr . com / photos / 1room1key / 810130633 / Jared is a long distance runner - his best length being the 50 - yard dash . Although that is not considered distance running for humans , Jared considers this to be quite long enough , and feels that marathon runners must have some sort of disease of the brain , as no self - respecting cat would ever purposely get that worn out . Jared 's training routine is comprised of several sessions per day where he runs from his owner 's back door to the end of a nearby field and back . At this point his owner usually catches him and brings him back inside . The owner is under the mistaken impression that Jared is an indoor cat . Jared made it tPosted by It was unusual for Peep to be outside at night , but here she was , outside in the pitch dark . The skies were clear , and if she sat in a particular part of the front yard , she could see the stars well . They were beautiful , and she enjoyed looking at them . She 'd heard on the television that some people put names to different groups of stars that reminded them of things . There was something called the big dipper , which seemed to have an offspring named the little dipper . Some stars even had their own names . There was the North Star , Polaris , that people used to find their way at night , and there was the funny named star - Beetle Juice . She ate beetles from time to time , and some of them were a bit juicy , but she didn 't know why people would have named a star after the goo inside of beetles . As far as Peep knew , people didn 't eat beetles . Tonight she just wanted to admire the stars , and greet her own constellations . There was the Cat , of course . It was a long group of stars that looked to her like a cat all stretched out in the midst of a leap . There was the Mice , which was a tight little group of stars that looked like a little family of mice all huddled together as though they had been cornered and were about to be caught . Her favorite though was Mommy 's Chair , which was a group of stars that looked like a chair . She imagined that a star mommy would sit in the chair to allow the star cat to come and sit in her lap . As she watched the stars tonight , something happened that she 'd never seen before . As she looked at Mommy 's Chair , a star near it suddenly moved very quickly , streaking across a section of sky and appearing to fall down towards the ground . It didn 't seem to be falling towards her , so Peep wasn 't worried that a giant star was about to fall on her , but if one star could fall , couldn 't all the rest ? As Peep worried about this and continued to watch the sky , another star plummeted towards earth . One is just one , but two means it happened more than once and could happen many , many times , thouPosted by By early Saturday evening , the cats had decided that the Mommy 's turnip painting had taken so long to finish that she wouldn 't be home until tomorrow . They 'd gone their separate ways . LT went to visit the kittens for a little bit , Rudy took her usual spot on the walk and Peep settled down in an open window in the office . She liked that spot when it was hot because it had a nice breeze and she could see what was going on in the back yard . Just when it was fully dark a car pulled up in the front of the house . Rudy went out to meet it , expecting it to be the Daddy , returning from feeding Grey . As she walked out front , she saw that it was the Mommy 's car , not the Daddy 's . She was home ! Rudy sped up a little - she didn 't want to run , though . That wouldn 't be appropriate for a cat , no matter how happy she was to see the person . She greeted the Mommy as she got out of the car , wreathing around her legs , and graciously accepting caresses of her long silky fur . The Mommy grabbed a few things out of the car and headed towards the house . She saw LT sitting just inside the woods . He 'd just returned from his visit to Ginger 's house , and had settled into a cool comfortable spot . He didn 't get up , but looked eagerly as she put her things down and walked over to him . She leaned down and stroked his head and he said , " I 'm glad you 're home , Mommy . Daddy and Peep missed you so much . Will you cook bacon for us tomorrow ? " The Mommy sighed , probably not in response to the request for bacon , since she didn 't speak cat , but just because she was bone tired . She walked into the silent house . There was no sign of the Peep . She moved from room to room and found Peep sitting in the window of the computer room . She went over and stroked the Peep 's fur and picked her up and gave her a big hug and kiss . " I 've missed you so much , Peep . I wish you could have been there , because you would have made it so much more bearable . I 'm home to stay now . " Peep squirmed , and the Mommy put her down . As the Mommy moved aPosted by Peep was happy , but reservedly so . She 'd heard the Daddy talking to the Mommy last night and this morning , and it wasn 't entirely certain that Mommy would be home today . It had something to do with the turnip and the paper . Mommy had stayed up almost all night finishing her turnip paper . Was she painting a picture of a turnip ? That could explain it , because the Mommy always complained that she wasn 't a very good artist . Then again , the Mommy didn 't think she was good at a lot of things that she could do really well . Personally , Peep thought that the Mommy had a poor self - image . She 'd seen that on a talk show once , and it described her perfectly . She knew the Mommy was awesome , and it wasn 't just because she was little Peep . She 'd heard other people say it too - the Daddy , the Yarn Lady , Veronica , the Mommy 's daddy , and others whose names she didn 't know . In any case , Mommy would be home soon . The house was clean , the cats were brushed , and they all were just waiting . If only Mommy would finish her painting of the turnip … . Watercolor courtesy of Carina Envoldsen - http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / wardi / 113705930 / It was a beautiful day . The sun was out , the temperature wasn 't too hot , and the Mommy comes home tomorrow ! Peep was so excited she couldn 't contain herself . She bounced around the house , jumping on furniture , batting her toys and chasing them around and generally being skonk - bonk . She wasn 't quite sure where she 'd gotten that word from , but that was how she described the way she was acting . Peep hadn 't had a nap in over four hours , which was probably a record for her . She hoped she 'd quiet down soon , or she 'd be so tired tomorrow when the Mommy got home , she 'd probably sleep through it . Then again , she might not . The house had been so quiet while the Mommy was gone , and as soon as she came back it would be full of conversation and laughter . Oh , she missed the laughter . Peep bounced out the cat door to go look at her turnip seedlings . She leapt over Rudy , who was as usual sunning herself , and invited her along to check the turnips . Rudy got up sedately and followed along at a more reasonable pace . " Peep , you 're going to wear yourself out . If I hadn 't known you were an adult cat , I 'd look at you and say that you were a manic kitten . " " I don 't care ! Mommy 's coming home tomorrow ! She skidded into the garden , slamming into a tomato plant , causing one very ripe tomato to fall to the ground , where Peep promptly stepped on it . It turned out to be an overripe tomato , and Peep didn 't so much as step on it as in it . " Eeewww ! Tomato guts ! I have tomato guts all over my leg . It 's slimy and my foot is stuck . Help , help , help ! " The Daddy heard her frantic meowing as he walked out of the garage and came over to investigate . He found Peep with her leg deep into the overripe tomato . " Oops . I guess I missed that one . You 've found a bad tomato , Peep . Here , let me help you . " He carefully lifted her up . The tomato was too heavy and plopped back down to the ground after sliding down her leg and briefly getting stuck on her foot . " Ick , ick , ick . Get it off me Daddy - it feels so slimy anAnde Noren This morning , Peep was the one who bounced out of bed happy to be alive and LT was the one who didn 't think it was worth it to wake up . When he didn 't appear for breakfast , Jay went outside looking for LT . He found him just inside the trees near his winter house , just lying there . He didn 't look up when Jay said his name , and barely moved an ear . If Jay hadn 't seen him breathing , he would have wondered if LT had died . Jay knelt down next to LT and stroked his side and head . " Cheer up old man . You can go see Ginger any time you want , and it shouldn 't be long for the kittens to be old enough to come outside . I 'll bet that Ginger will be asking Lettie to let them come outside to see you . In the meanwhile , come in and have some breakfast with me . You need to keep up your strength to protect us all . " LT levered himself up and plodded toward the house . He followed Jay through the door that was held open for him and then was lifted onto the table . Jay sat down with a second cup of coffee to keep LT company . Lt surely looked like he needed friends today . " I think you should go see Ginger today , LT . I 'm sure she 'll be outside looking for you at some point , and she can tell you how the kittens are doing . " Jay hated to see his cat so sad , although it was a relief to have a kitten - free house . LT slowly finished his food . He was barely hungry enough to eat it all , but knew that the Daddy would worry if he left some on the dish . He nuzzled the Daddy 's hand to show how much he loved him and appreciated his care . " Thank you Daddy . I 'm just not myself today . I miss them so much - now I know how you feel when the Mommy left . " Jay leaned down and kissed the top of LT 's head . " You 'll be okay , LT . Don 't forget that we all love you too . " Jay cleaned up his dishes and headed off for the day . LT sighed and jumped down onto the floor . He made it as far as the living room , where he flopped on the throw rug and lay there staring at nothing . Peep and Rudy both came in , but faced with such sadness , neitPosted by Peep was unbelievably happy . The Mommy would be home in three days . She 'd even talked to the Mommy on the phone last night , and she 'd said it herself ! She said she couldn 't wait to see her Peep and hug her and kiss her and drag her under the covers . Peep was happy about all of it except the dragging her under the covers part . She still didn 't understand why the Mommy liked doing that . She wandered around the house looking for things to do to help clean up . Daddy had done a lot yesterday , and the house looked a lot better . With the cats help , there was no dust to be found anywhere on the floors . It looked so good . Not finding anything to do , she decided to check on Ginger and the kittens . She 'd been so busy yesterday that she 'd only spent a few minutes with them . The scene in the spare room was bedlam . Ginger was hauling one after the other kitten back into the box . " They just don 't want to stay in here anymore , and they 've discovered they can use their tiny claws to grip the box to get out . Help ! " " I 'll herd them back towards you , Ginger , and you can grab them when they get close . " Peep approached one of the black and white kittens who looked at her and yelled , " Monster ! " " Just ignore him . LT taught them that word , and they use it for anything except me , and even then sometimes I 'm Mommy monster . " Ginger was amused , but just barely . She looked so tired . " This looks so difficult , Ginger . Has LT been helping you ? " " Thank the Higher Cat , yes . Yesterday he spent some time helping you clean , but other than that and his own sanity breaks , he 's been in here helping . I do think it 's time to take them home , though . When my owner comes today , I 'm going to tell her that . " Ginger sighed , hoping that she 'd come soon . " How will she understand you , Ginger ? Daddy doesn 't seem to understand us much of the time , especially if it 's not something obvious . " Peep looked very doubtful . " Oh , she 'll understand it when I grab a kitten and put it down at her feet ! " Ginger soPosted by Daddy was house cleaning this morning . " Mary Rose will be home in four days , Peep . We 've got to get this place looking good - lots of cleaning to do . " Peep jumped up and ran to tell Rudy and LT . She knew it would be soon , but to know - four days ! That was one paw - just one paw 's worth of days and she would be home . As she ran , she thought about the summer . When the Mommy had left , she didn 't know what four meant . After she 'd figured out her own cat - counting system , she 'd listened carefully whenever the Daddy talked about numbers , and she 'd figured out all the numbers up to ten . She didn 't know how they were written , but she knew their equivalent in her counting system . Ten was paw , paw , scratch , scratch . She really was getting smarter ! Peep found Rudy sunning outside . Peep thought that Rudy must think she could get a tan , like people could for all the time she sat in the sun . With all that black fur , it was too hot to sit in the sun , by Peep 's reckoning , but to each her own . " Rudy ! Mommy will be home in four days ! I just heard Daddy talking about it . We need to help clean the house . Daddy said so . " " What the heck can we do to clean ? I can 't sweep , or mop and I 'm sure not going near bacoom . That thing scares the daylights out of me ! " Rudy didn 't even bother to get up . " I 'm glad she 's going to be home soon , though . It 's been way too long . " Peep left her lying there and went to find LT . He could be somewhere near , or just about anywhere . After checking for Fuzzy , Peep went to the edge of the trees and called for LT . She wasn 't about to wander the neighborhood looking for him , but she 'd at least try to call him . After a minute or two of calling , she heard a distant reply and sat down to wait for him . " LT - Mommy is coming home in four days . That 's not very long and Daddy says we need to clean the house . Rudy won 't help ; will you help me and the Daddy ? " Peep 's excitement made her words all fall over each other . Once he 'd figured out what she 'd saidPosted by On Monday morning Peep went looking for Rudy . They might be in trouble , and she wanted Rudy to know about it , not that it would help . Rudy , as usual , was sunning in the yard . " Rudy , I heard the Daddy talking last night about a charge he didn 't know about on his PayPal . He asked the Mommy if she 'd bought anything from Main Street Seed and Supply Company . Then he said that he was going to have to call them and get the charge taken off of his card . He didn 't seem angry about the amount . He even said that it was barely worth it for four dollars , but he wanted to make sure that it wasn 't identity theft . Do you know what identity theft is , Rudy ? " Rudy put her head down on her paws . They were goners , criminals . They 'd be locked up in jail for years . " Yeah , Peep . I know what identity theft is , and we kind of did it , although it was closer to credit card fraud . " " Fraud ! Do you mean we 're criminals ? You didn 't say anything about this when we made the purchase . We just said the Daddy might be mad we used his cards . Will we have to go to jail ? Do they have jail for cats ? Would they send us to the pound ? I don 't want to live in a little cage just because we wanted the Mommy to stay home ! " Peep started pacing nervously . " Relax , Peep . There 's no way they could figure out we did it . The police would never believe that cats could make internet purchases . We 're in the clear , but I bet the Daddy is going to get very aggravated before this is done . " Rudy was right . At that moment , Jay was on the phone with Main Street Seed and Supply , who confirmed that an order had been placed on Tuesday , July 29th for one package of turnip seeds , using his PayPal account . The package had been shipped that same day and the US Postal Service had noted that the package had been delivered on Friday . He verified that it had been sent to his address and not somewhere else . He thanked them and hung up . Jay sat there and tried to make sense of it . Would someone have played a practical joke on him and ordered the seeds iAnde Noren Jay had hoped for a lazy Sunday , but it didn 't seem like that was going to happen . He 'd been awoken just as the sun was coming up by an emergency call that , although it had been fairly close , had taken two hours to resolve . So , when he got back home at about 10 : 00 AM he was almost ready to head back to bed . Unfortunately , he 'd forgotten to feed the cats their special little containers of squishy food before he left , so he was met at the door by hungry cats . " Daddy , you never forget us ! There 's only stale crunchy food in our bowls . " That was Rudy , outside the back door . " Daddy , I 'm hungry ! Please feed me . " That was Peep , sitting in the kitchen by the food bowl . " Daddy , if you don 't put out food soon , I think Ginger 's going to bite my head off . " That was LT , from the doorway of the spare room . Ginger had been complaining for the last hour that her owner never made them wait this long for breakfast . " Okay , I 'm coming . Just let me put my keys down . " Jay hurried to put out food for all four adult cats . They might like the little cans better , but it was this involved a lot more dirty dishes and effort to carefully put out four plates of cat food in the small kitchen . He was always afraid that he 'd step on a plate that a cat had pushed into the walkway between the table and the cabinets . As soon as the first plate hit the floor Ginger was out of her box like a shot and into the kitchen . Having delivered five kittens a week ago hadn 't slowed her down any . LT settled in with the kittens , sighing . He was hungry too , but the priority was to get food into Ginger , so that she wouldn 't do him bodily harm . One of the black and white kittens looked at him and yelled , " Monster ! " Well , LT thought . I guess more of them are learning to talk . I just wish that I 'd never called the tiger a little monster . I don 't know that Ginger is going to forget this whole thing too quickly . The little one , despite having called him a monster , climbed onto his back and nuzzled his ear . " I 'm not a monstePosted by On Saturday morning when Peep went in to see Ginger and the kittens she noticed that they were now in a large cardboard box . That is , from the doorway she could see the box and hear the kittens meowing , with Ginger telling them to please be quiet , as Jay was probably still asleep . Peep called out to Ginger , " Good morning . How are you all today ? " Ginger 's head appeared above the edge of the box , and she said , " Oh thank the Higher Cat . Someone to talk to ! Come on over , Peep . " Peep approached , and decided to sit on the armchair , as she would then be able to see in the box . Daddy had obviously swiveled it around so that he could sit in it and admire the kittens . " Wow , five kittens make a lot of noise , don 't they ? " " Oh , do you think they 'll wake up Jay ? " Ginger was quiet worried about this . She knew she was an uninvited guest , and wanted to be as unobtrusive as possible . " Oh , he can sleep through thunderstorms . This won 't wake him up . " Peep examined the kittens , and saw that their eyes were open , and that they looked much more like cats now . When they had been born their ears were all smushed down to their heads , but they were almost standing up now . Peep had always wondered if cats were born with the ability to talk , or if they learned how . Well , now she knew . These kittens were mainly making nonsense sounds or saying " Ma " . She could see why Ginger would be happy to have someone to talk to . " When did you get the box , Ginger ? " " Oh , Jay put us in it yesterday when he found the brown tiger in the kitchen . I don 't know how he managed to get that far , but his eyes were open and he 's moving around much better than the others . He 's the explorer of the group . I 've learned to keep a much closer eye on him ! " Ginger shook her head . " Wow , this motherhood thing is a lot tougher than I thought it would be . Can I help you with anything ? Do you want me to get LT ? " Peep personally thought Ginger looked completely exhausted , and needed a break . It obviously wouldn 't be possible to sleep witPosted by Peep awoke early on Friday and went in search of Rudy . When she found her Peep said , " Rudy , when should we start watching the mailbox ? " Stretching , Rudy replied casually , " Well , certainly not until after the Daddy leaves . How funny that he caught you in the mailbox yesterday ! " Rudy giggled and finally broke into a full cat laugh at the sight of the Daddy peering at Peep in the mailbox . She hadn 't had such a good laugh in months . " Funny for you , maybe , but embarrassing for me . Imagine him pulling me out of the mailbox like I was a package . Hummph . " Peep didn 't see the humor in it yet . She probably would in a few days , but she was still smarting from the shame of the Daddy finding her in the box . " Do you know when the postman comes ? Sometimes Daddy comes home for lunch , and I wouldn 't want him to get the package before we did . " " Well , it happens that I do know when he comes . He usually comes after lunch , and Daddy never checks the mail until he gets home for the whole day . That means we can just do whatever we want for a few hours , and then take turns guarding the box from under a tree . There 's no reason we need to be uncomfortable . It 's not like we 're going to wait in the box and pounce out at the mailman . " That sent Rudy into giggles again . Peep rolled her eyes and walked away . It wasn 't like it was Rudy who was going to have to jump up there and climb in the box again . It was her , the Peep , who would have to do it . She decided that a leisurely grooming session and a nap were the thing to do . The Daddy came home for lunch , and as soon as he 'd left , the two cats set out for the mailbox . They hadn 't included LT in any of their plans , because they weren 't sure that LT would approve of their use of Daddy 's PayPal account . They thought that $ 1 . 98 wasn 't a lot of money , but it could be more than he 'd have wanted to spend . " Rudy , I didn 't tell you . I talked to the Mommy last night . She was asking the Daddy if he 'd come down to Virginia because she 's doing a presentation abPosted by |
Our son Mikey is generally an easy going child . He loves to laugh and be silly . When he sees his brothers getting into arguments or getting too rough , he removes himself from the situation quickly . Today was a perfect example . I needed to run a few short errands , and I took Mikey and one of his brothers with me . By the time that I was five minutes into the trip , I could tell it was already an epic failure . . . . . why ? Well , I cannot give you the true reason , but something had Mikey upset . He began to push his wrist into his head as hard as he possibly could , which quickly progressed into a ferocious head banging episode . He has unfortunately started a habit of hitting himself on his head , right between his eyes , with his wrist . Hard . Realizing that nothing I had planned to do was critical , I went home . Upon entering the house , Mikey dug his nails into my upper arm as hard as he could , and ran into the house . He proceeded to go out the back door , slamming it four times , and let out a scream not to be believed . What had happened ? I am not quite sure , but I do know that he was angry . He wanted to let me know how angry he was , and both he and I walked away from the situation hurt . Not a good thing . Below are the pictures of the scrapes on my arm , and the way his wrist looks from banging it into his head . While he will frequently hit his own head , not very hard , but more as a self - stimulatory behavior , fortunately for us , he does not lash out at others often . Truth be told , it has been a very long time since he has behaved this way . We are not sure what causes the frustration , but have noticed that when seasons change , or we change the clocks , he goes through something . When I tell you that watching and hearing your own child hurt himself is a horrible thing , I mean it . I wouldn 't wish it on anyone . Many families affected by autism deal with these type of situations daily . I once was told by my sister that a friend of hers confessed that the worst beating she ever endured in her life was from her seven year old adopted child who had autism . This life is by no means an easy one . I am sharing this so you may take a moment to understand why this disability can be so devastating for families . It is by no means easy . As I mentioned above , I am not complaining , but rather trying to educate those who may not understand why it is so hard to live with . When this happens in our home , after all of the parties have calmed down , we hug and kiss Mikey , and talk to him about what he has done , because we know he understands . We try to figure out why it has happened . Today , he kissed me , and rubbed my arm , clearly an apology on his part . . . . . I , of course , always forgive with an open heart . This is my child , and I love him unconditionally . It is like being the mother of a toddler who has tantrums . . . you have to use these moments as teaching moments . Again , no easy task . For some children , puberty alone can trigger such emotions and frustrations . Parents have their work cut out for them , and patience is key . We parents of children with autism are tough , tougher than you know . We , like people fighting other medical problems , never give up , as it is not an option . We persevere , look for solutions and continue loving our kids . Call it good judgement , or perhaps just a mom being overprotective , but sometimes things just rub me the wrong way . Every year , Mikey had always taken the bus to and from school . At first , it made me uneasy , but after getting to know the drivers and matrons on the bus , I felt more comfortable . However , I was always on alert , always , because I really do not trust many people with my son . Throughout his school years , we were always fortunate when it came to bus drivers . We had a great relationship with them , as well as with the matrons on the bus . You can always tell when someone really enjoys helping the kids , and when they don 't . We always had a nice group of people working with him , so we were happy . Fast forward to fifth grade . I am not sure what happened to our beloved driver , but one day he just disappeared . We never really found out what had happened , but a few other moms had told me he passed away . I felt terrible about that , because we really liked him . Obviously , a replacement was needed . When we initially met the new driver , something just didn 't sit right with me . He was very nice , but almost too nice , and that made me a bit uneasy . I told myself that it was probably just me , and we went about our usual daily routines . After awhile , I kept telling my husband that something about this guy bothered me . I found him almost annoying . Each day he would talk to me a bit too much . . . . I can 't explain it , but it made me uncomfortable . It was as if he was trying to ingratiate himself to us . It got to the point where I dreaded the bus pulling up . I would always get a big " Hello Barbara , God bless you . " He also started asking me , what I felt , were too many questions about Mikey . It was really getting on my nerves . I decided that I did not want Mikey on the bus anymore . Nothing happened , and he arrived home safely and promptly each day , but I couldn 't shake this uneasy feeling I had . One day , as I was walking in front of the school , his bus was parked out front waiting for the kids . He opened his doors when I passed , as he did each day ( there was no escaping this guy ) , and said , hey Barbara , I want to show you something . He handed me a picture of my son that he had taken while Mikey was on the bus . The picture clearly showed that the bus was parked in front of the school , but this upset me . I never had given him permission to take any pictures of my son , either verbally or in writing . I replied " What is this ? when was this taken ? He told me that he just wanted to show his wife pictures of all of the kids on his bus . This was not okay with me . At that moment , I was happy that I made the decision to take him off of the bus . I mentioned it to a few other mothers , who said he did the same with them , and they found it very odd . I didn 't want to have the guy lose his job , but this entire thing made me uncomfortable , and I have learned to always go with my gut . I did tell the school staff about it , but as of last year , he was still driving the bus . Whether I was overreacting or not , I can 't be sure , but I do feel that I made the right decision about driving him to school everyday . Mikey , is non verbal , so he cannot tell me when people take his picture , or much of anything else . In my mind , that makes him more vulnerable than the average child , and I refuse to ever allow my child to become a victim of anything . For all I know , this driver may just have been an over zealous guy , however , I wasn 't about to test that theory . Maternal instinct is an amazing thing , and I will continue to listen to mine every time . Mikey had been having a pretty good year at school , given all of the transitions that he and his classmates had recently gone through . He never really gave us any trouble about going to school . He would wake up early every morning , with a big smile and bright eyes , and get ready for school . . He always went willingly . If there ever was a day that he seemed agitated in the morning , then we knew he really wasn 't feeling well and we would keep him home . This particular day started out as any other . He was very cooperative in the morning , got dressed , brushed his teeth , and was ready to go to school . His school was on the other side of town , and I now drove him everyday . He used to take the bus , but I ended that after a brief discussion with his bus driver ( more on that in a future post ) . So , we loaded up the car , and off we went . After dropping him off at school , I went home . I was busy taking care of the usual household chores , you know , the never ending mountain of laundry that comes along with a large family , when my phone rang . It was Mikey 's principal . She never called me , so I was quite surprised to hear from her . She asked me if I could possibly come back up to the school immediately and get Mikey . I asked what was wrong , and she went on to explain that he had been in school a short while , and he completely broke down . Hysterical . He was sobbing uncontrollably , and they could not figure out why . I assured her that I would be there in a few minutes , and raced out to my car . While driving to the school , my mind raced . What had happened after I left him ? Was he sick ? Was he in pain ? He had been so happy this morning . . . . what changed ? I pulled up to the school and raced inside . The principal was there to meet me , and she told me that he was just sobbing and seemed inconsolable . She escorted me down the hallway toward his classroom . Before we reached the room , Mikey , his teacher and the school psychologist turned the corner . I could see how sad he was , and my heart broke . He did not see me at first , as he was too distraught . When our eyes did meet , he took a few deep breaths , and his sobbing stopped . Just like that it was over . I kneeled down and held out my arms , and he ran into them . He squeezed me and just breathed in my ear , but no more crying . I assured him that I was going to take him home with me , and that whatever he had been upset about , he was now safe with me . The school psychologist appeared confused . She told me that when they asked him what he needed he responded on his communication device that he wanted to go home . She could not get over how his hysterical sobs ceased the moment he laid eyes on me . How could he appear so distraught one moment , and then so calm and relieved the next ? I explained to her that perhaps he just needed to be with me today , for whatever reason , he felt the need to be with his mom . She agreed , and told me that he quickly responded when asked if he wanted to go home . He needed me , and I was so happy to be there for him . You see , everyone has bad days now and again . Some of us long for a day off from work , others long to crawl back under the covers and go to sleep . That day , Mikey just needed me . We thanked the ladies , and left the building . When we got back into our car , I looked at him and said " what happened Mikey ? Did you miss me that much ? " He just laughed , and my heart swelled . We were going back home . . . . . . just me and my boy . When raising a child with autism , a parent faces many difficulties . Things that we often take for granted in our everyday life , suddenly become important in your life for all the wrong reasons . Have you ever thought twice about placing a plastic garbage bag in your garbage pail , or placing your tube of toothpaste on your bathroom shelf ? Probably not , but when you have a child that rips the bags consistently , and squeezes all of the toothpaste out of the tube , these things require much more of your attention . The same is true of relaxing . The parent of a child with autism , does not relax . It just does not happen . I want to share a story with you about a day that I wish had never happened , but it did . I am sharing it just so that you are able to step into this life , if only for a brief moment , and share an experience that was not only scary , but also extremely important . If you are the parent of a child with autism , this may be something you have yet to experience , but it could happen , so here is a little forewarning . On this particular day , nothing seemed out of the ordinary . It was a beautiful summer day , the boys were up and about , with Mike at work , and me taking care of things at home . The boys always played in our yard , which I had fenced in for safety purposes . If I was not in the yard with them , I was in our kitchen , watching them through the glass doors . Mikey was playing outside with his brothers , our usual routine , and was enjoying the swings , and the warm sunshine . One of the boys came in the house , I believe it was Sean , and went upstairs . Within a few minutes , he was yelling for me , as he need help with something . Knowing that the other boys were outside with Mikey I ran up to help Sean . By the time I had returned downstairs , two of the boys had come in , but Mikey was not one of them . I stepped into the yard to see where he was , but he was not there . I immediately asked the boys where he was , and they said they did not know . Frantically , I ran through the house , calling his name , from the basement to the attic , but he was not in the house . The boys and I then all ran outside and searched up and down the block , in all of the neighbor 's yards , but we could not find him . I told Chris to call Mike , and I ran in to call the police . This was the moment every parent dreads . Sick to my stomach , I immediately called 911 . Fortunately , I always remember what my boys are wearing , so I gave them a full description of him , his clothing and his situation . While I was making the call , my dear neighbors were out in their cars and on bikes searching the neighborhood . As I ran back outside , a police car came down the block to let me know that they had Mikey . I felt like passing out . The sense of relief , fear , shame and guilt that came over me was overwhelming . How could I have let this happen ? The officer informed me that they had him for about 15 minutes before I contacted 911 . . . that was because my immediate reaction was to search for him . Within minutes , an ambulance pulled down the street , and an officer opened the back doors . Out popped Mikey , with a ball in his hands , laughing hysterically . This had all been a big adventure to him . I ran over to get him , hugged him , and burst into tears . By this time , Mike was home , we had spoken with the police , and were informed of Mikey 's whereabouts . He had walked far enough away from our home , crossed a variety of very busy intersections , and was heading further away . He was found for one reason . . . . he was barefoot . Since it was summer , and he had been playing in our yard , he had no shoes on . A woman had seen him , and thought this was peculiar , so she called 911 . She slowly followed him until the police arrived , after which they took over . I am sharing this story for a variety of reasons . . . . . eloping is not uncommon for children with autism . Many leave their homes on a daily basis . It is one of the most difficult aspects of this disability to deal with . I thank God each day that this woman had the sense to call the police . I wonder how many other people saw Mikey , but just kept driving ? I think about the tremendous amount of guilt I felt that day . As I ran through neighbors yards , and up and down blocks I remember the horrible scenarios going through my mind . What if someone had taken him ? What if someone was hurting him ? Was he hit by a car ? Was he hit by a train ? Would I ever find him ? How would I ever go on if something happened to him ? I felt I had failed him . The entire day was horrific , and as I write this , my hands are trembling just thinking about it . Yet , this all transpired because I was simply helping one of my other children , and never expected the unexpected to happen . Many people may read this and other similar stories and be quick to say it is the fault of the parent . While I certainly agree that I dropped the ball that day , I can confidently say that both Mike and I are good parents . I do not know many people who would be able to handle all that we have with the love and compassion that we do . I am by no means trying to absolve myself of any fault , because , taking things for granted almost cost us everything that day . I am just trying to use this as somewhat of a teaching moment . If you take anything away from this story , please know that reporting any unusual things that you see , even if it is only a boy with no shoes , can make all the difference in the world . Be aware , and be concerned , not only for your own family , but for all families . Something changed that day . Something important happened . In our house , we were no longer able to run off and do something , without thinking , or knowing where he was . Imagine spending all of your waking hours on alert . . . . . that is what we do . That is not to say that there have not been a few escapes since this episode . A day later , he climbed up on a neighbor 's garage roof . Fortunately , we were there , and found him . He is a quiet and sneaky ( in a fun way ) boy . If I call his name in the house , and do not hear him at all , I get frantic , and the boys pick on me . . but one close call is enough to make you crazy . He has become better , for the most part , although he will occasionally climb our fence and run into an adjoining yard . This is something we deal with , and have to continue to be aware of constantly . If we look tired , we are . If we look worried , we are . If we look happy , we are , and things are going well . Yet these " elopements " or attempts at eloping happen from time to time . . . . we are just fortunate enough to have great neighbors and a great support system , in case we ever make the mistake of taking a moment for granted and tend to another child . Be thankful for your moments of relaxation , and be thankful that your children can tell you where they are going or where they would like to go . Most of all , pay attention to the world around you , as that kind lady did that day . If something seems wrong , it probably is . Do not be afraid to get involved . You just may save an entire family with one phone call . The time had come for us to meet Mikey 's new teacher . I think I speak for most of the parents in that class when I say we were anxious and concerned . After losing two teachers over a short period of time , I know I was beginning to wonder if this program was ever a really well - thought out plan . I didn 't believe that this school really had any concept of what they had taken on , and after dealing with the last teacher , I was even more skeptical . How relieved I was after meeting her ! This person seemed genuine , she really wanted to do a great job , and she wanted to help the kids to learn as much as possible . She always greeted the class with a huge smile on her face , and never seemed irritated by them . Believe me when I tell you that a job is special education is not easy . It requires a tremendous amount of patience , compassion and kindness . Fortunately , this teacher had all of the above . I was filled with a sense of relief as well as a new found hope for the future . We all worked well together , and I always appreciated that she had a good sense of humor about it all . After all , if you were not able to laugh at some of the things that went on , you might as well have called it quits . We always seemed to be on the same page , and Mikey liked her as well . That was very important . . . . more so than whatever my feelings were . He also had a great lady working with him as his aide . She took very good care of him , and showed such a genuine concern . I finally felt comfortable again knowing he was in good hands . All in all , the year went well . Mikey seemed to stay on task , he seemed happy , and the classsroom was once again a happy , productive place . The kind of place that it should have been all along . The kids spent the year learning to read , working on math problems and learning about money , working on art projects , and having fun at recess and on field day . Things were good . . . and sometimes that is all that was needed . We didn 't need everything to be perfect , for that wasn 't even a possibility , but when things were good , it was much better than when things were bad . For us , it was a time of peace , albeit a short one . Unfortunately for us , things were not about to stay so calm and peaceful . It would not be long before some behaviors crept back in and dealing with school administrators became more of a battle than a help . As any parent can tell you , one of the most difficult things about parenting can be the lack of sleep . When you first bring home a newborn , getting up every 2 - 4 hours can really take its toll . I remember with all four of my children , they never slept well as infants , then for some miraculous reason , they hit age two , and slept like rocks . Considering the fact that my oldest is seven years older than my youngest , meant that at one point we had 4 kids seven and under . Suffice it to say , we spent many nights awake , and weeks on end running on interrupted sleep . Not enjoyable . However , once we had everyone past age two , we enjoyed the luxury of being able to sleep all night , something we had missed for a long time . Mikey had usually slept pretty well . When he was very young , he would fidget a lot in his sleep , turning this way and that , but as he grew older , that subsided . Then , what I like to refer to as " Midnight Madness " hit our home . As I have mentioned in previous posts , Mikey was genuinely a happy kid . Always laughing and smiling . We noticed that as he got older , he developed somewhat of an obnoxious laugh . Not his typical giggling , but rather a loud , high pitched , never - ending laugh . What was even more interesting was that he seemed to do it on purpose in order to annoy his brothers . Now , at first , I have to admit , that I thought it was funny . Just knowing that he was actually behaving mischieviously warmed my heart . He knew how to aggravate his brothers , and enjoyed doing it . . . to us , it was refreshing to see such a " typical " behavior from him . Lord knows his brothers drove him crazy all of the time , so I guess he felt the need to pay them back , and it was kind of funny . . . . . for a little while . Every so often , in the middle of the night , when our house was super quite and everyone was sleeping , Mikey would wake up . Instead of just falling back asleep , he would start to giggle . At first , they were quiet giggles , very sweet actually , and even though it woke me up , it would make me smile . I was happy to know that whatever he was thinking about made him very happy . Slowly but surely , the soft giggles turned into full - blown cackling at the top of his lungs . Not very cute anymore . Yet , while I still couldn 't get mad at him , his brothers did . They would yell from their rooms telling him to lay down , be quiet , etc . It drove them crazy , and understandably so . After all , everyone was trying to sleep , and with that laughter so loud , it was impossible to do so . However , the more they yelled , the louder he laughed . When this did happen , I would often try to take him downstairs to watch a little tv , and hope that his brothers would be able to get some rest , but was often times not very successful . It seemed as though his main mission was to wake everyone up , as if he was having a little party . It was indeed annoying , yet I still found myself unable to get angry with him . He was happy , and as the parent of a child with autism , that was what was important to me . Of course , the boys getting their rest was important as well , so again , the struggle to keep everyone happy continued . Fortunately , these episodes were few and far between , but they have never stopped completely . Mikey still does this , and actually did it a few nights ago . It makes him happy , and the rest of us very sleepy . Yet , we consider ourselves lucky because we know many families with autism who not only have kids who hardly ever sleep , but also kids who try to leave their homes at night . We will gladly take the laughter , as loud as it is , and count our blessings . As parents , we continued to do our best to address Mikey 's needs each day with great determination . However , we also were the parents of three other children . While the boys had always been understanding and cooperative for the most part , we did have many moments of difficulty as well . What many people fail to realize is that it is not necessarily easy to be the sibling of a person with special needs . Autism affects the entire family , not just one child and the parents . There have been many times throughout their short lives where our boys have had to make sacrifices for their brother . Of course , none of these sacrifices have been too serious , but when you are a little kid , they can seem monumental . Many times , we have had to cut pool time , park time , or beach time short because Mikey was having a tantrum . There have been times when one or more of the boys have been late for parties or other events because Mikey may not have been cooperating . Times , when as much as we wanted to , we were unable to listen to a story they were dying to tell . I have already shared the story of Mike missing Chris ' communion because of difficulties with Mikey . I have had to miss some of my boys sporting events , plays or extra - curricular activities due to situations caused by autism . Again , nothing ( at least I hope not ) , that will scar the boys for life , but little inconveniences here and there . Then there are always the questions from friends . . " what 's up with your brother ? " " Can he speak , is he okay ? " All well meaning questions , but forever present . Not to mention the public stares . Yet , through it all , our boys have proven to us time and time again how amazing they are . They understand that we , as a family , are not on the easiest of journeys , and that is not the fault of anyone . It is just our life . Crazy at times , difficult at times , and yet sometimes funny as hell . I often am amazed at their relationships . They will fight with each other to no end , yet always have each other 's back . They do not discriminate either . . . they will fight with Mikey too , because to them , he is just one of the boys . I cannot tell you how many times I have been out with both Mikey and my son Timmy , and Timmy will see someone staring , or looking at us funny . He will look at them and say " what are you looking at ? He has autism , everything is okay here , turn around . " I know it sounds rude , but to hear it from a 10 or eleven year old speaking on his brother 's behalf makes me smile . It may not sound like a big deal to some people , but when you have to tell your kids that they can 't go on the ride they have been waiting for , or get the ice - cream they have been asking for all day because their brother suddenly has a problem , it is unfair . Yet , life is not fair , so we did what we could . We learned that sometimes we need to go out with each child or just a few of them so that they can indeed do something they have been looking forward to , and see it through . We have also worked very hard to try to teach Mikey how to wait patiently , if needed , and were sometimes successful . Like everything else , it was all a work in progress . As the boys have grown older , they obviously have a better understanding of things , and Mikey has become more patient and cooperative . That is not to say that they do not still get upset when these situations arise , but they are only children . I think it is natural and to be expected . They have been through so much more than many of their friends . Yet , it has not only been negative . They were thrilled to have special passes at Disney to go on every ride quickly , courtesy of Mikey . More importantly , this experience has taught my children to be tolerant . . . . of not only their brother , but of others as well . They have a genuine compassion for those in need , those with disabilities , and those who are easily picked on . Those lessons alone , have made the journey worthwhile . Things were going very well at school for Mikey and the boys in his class . Unfortunately , I have learned that all too often , when all seems well , something else is bound to happen . As we headed towards the end of the school year , we received word from his school that his teacher would not be returning the following year . Now , we were never told why , as the district was trying to respect the privacy of the teacher , but we were told that the change would be immediate . That meant that the school only had a short time in which to find a replacement . They started to interview immediately , and we anxiously waited to hear the news . When a replacement had been found , we were called to set up individual meetings with the new teacher in order to provide her with some information about our children , and to voice any concerns we might have had . Personally , I liked the teacher who had left abruptly . I thought she did a pretty good job with the boys , and they seemed comfortable with her . I felt badly that she had up and left , but it was out of my control . So , I waited for the date of my meeting , and was eager to meet her replacement . Well , let me just say this . . . . I had a bad feeling from the moment I met her . She reminded me of a combination of Rachel Ray and Rosie O ' Donnell . She had , it seemed to me , a " bully - like " quality . She was nice , but not overly friendly , and we spoke briefly about Mikey . I was very curious to know what her qualifications were , because the school was not providing us with much information . What I did find out was that her prior experience included training aides who worked with children who had autism . I was not very impressed . When I left my meeting , I couldn 't help but think that the district made a rash decision in hiring her due to time constraints . However , I kept my opinions to myself and let things happen as they would . School started up again , and Mikey went in happily , as usual . A few months in , we noticed that the head - banging began again . He seemed to be a bit frustrated at times , and we were concerned . At first , we thought maybe just the teacher change that had caused it . He had been so used to his old teacher , maybe he was having difficulty adjusting . I was called in for meetings on various occasions , and each time I met this teacher , I disliked her more . Again , I just felt she was a little too " rough around the edges " to be working with this group of children . I was not getting any sense of genuine kindness , or love of her job from her and it made me uncomfortable . One day , I was called in to observe the class . This was something that the school did from time to time . When I came in , the class was filled with aides , along with the speech teacher and the new teacher . The teacher was going over the days of the week with the boys . She was standing in front of the desk of a boy that Mikey had known from preschool . . a very sweet , happy boy . As she asked him what day of the week it was , he did not initially respond , because he was busy fiddling with his shoes . The teacher then , bent down , grabbed his feet , pulled off his sneakers , and threw them at the wall behind her . She then slammed her hand on his desk and said " Now , tell me what day of the week it is ! " I could not believe my eyes or my ears . All I could think was did I just see what I thought I saw ? I was livid . . . . I stared at this woman with the nastiest expression possible , and looked around at all of the other adults ( aides , speech teacher ) , in that room , and could not understand how this was going on with noone saying anything . At that point , I wanted to speak my mind , but I did not want to upset the boys . When her little episode was over , she behaved as if nothing had happened , but I was furious . I left the classroom , with Mikey , in a state of shock . In retrospect , I know I should have approached the principal immediately , but I needed some time to process it all . When I arrived home , I told Mike what I had witnessed , and while I was not looking to have anyone lose a job , I could not let this go . Perhaps this type of behavior was the reason Mikey was banging his head again . I made a call to the class consultant and told her what I had experienced while in the class . I explained to her that if this person behaved like this with a parent in the room , I could not even imagine what she was capable of when no other parent was there . I also expressed my disappointment at the other ladies in the room for not coming forward and expressing concern over this erratic type of behavior . She assured me that she would make sure the complaint went to the right people . Before long , we were informed that there would be another teacher change . However , it did not happen right away . A few moms in that class even received calls from this person begging them to speak on her behalf . All I know , is that whether or not the reason for her dismissal had anything to do with what I witnessed , this person did not belong in a room with these innocent boys . I had a bad feeling about her from the get go , and unfortunately I was right . This , is why I have difficulty trusting some people that work with my son . I always go with my intuition , and it has not worked against me yet . To see someone taking advantage of the fact that these children were unable to go home and tell their parents what went on was simply disgraceful . My only regret is that I was not present to watch her walk out of the doors of that school for the last time . I would have been more than pleased to show her the way out . While the other boys went off to their classes on their own , Mikey had a one - on - one teaching situation . He would willingly go each Sunday , and I would stay with him and his teacher while she went over his lesson with him . Now , I am not an over the top religious person , but I do believe in God , and I believe in tradition . I wanted my children to all know about their faith , receive their sacraments , and follow the same rituals that Mike and I did as children . Whatever they decided to do with this knowledge and foundation when they were older would be their choice , but for now , we believed that it was important for them to learn these things . Mikey actually enjoyed going each week , and loved to stop at the local donut shop for a treat along the way . By the time he reached second grade , he would be receiving his First Holy Communion , and I was a nervous wreck . He had aversions to certain foods , and I didn 't think he would even put the host in his mouth . He might get upset too . Not wanting to upset anyone else 's special day with a possible outburst , I had asked the nun if we could possibly do ours privately . Since this is a special event in the Catholic religion , and represents joining the Catholic community , she suggested we do it during a regular Sunday mass . This made me very uneasy , but unfortunately , the church still had much to learn about autism . We scheduled a date with the nun , and Mikey would receive Communion in June . As the day approached , we were nervous , but we wanted him to share the same experiences as his brothers , so we made preparations . His suit was ready , the flower for his lapel had been ordered , and the camera was charged . When the day finally arrived , he was fully cooperative . He looked so handsome in his suit , I just wanted to kiss his cheeks all day . We arrived at church , sat in the quiet room right near the altar , and awaited the announcement that he would be receiving his sacrament that day . As the mass continued , I had a bad feeling . Nothing had been mentioned , I hadn 't seen the nun , and we were getting near the end of mass . I figured it would happen during regular communion for the parish , however , it didn 't . Before we knew it , mass had ended and they never mentioned Mikey once . Slightly irritated , and greatly disappointed , I approached the priest after mass . I asked what had happened , and he told me that the nun had never informed him about any of this . He could not apologize enough . He asked us to wait , and he would give Mikey communion after the parishioners had left . Unfortunately , Mikey would not eat the host . He kept his lips closed tightly , and would not do it . The priest suggested a sip of the wine instead . While I wasn 't too keen on this idea , Mikey did love grape juice , so I figured a sip would not hurt . Unfortunately , at that point in time , he would only drink from a straw . I happened to have one with me , and the priest said we could use it . Mikey appeared cautious , and the wine made it almost all of the way up to his lips , but not quite there . That was as far as we got . The priest told us that unfortunately , he wouldn 't be able to sign his certificate if he hadn 't had either a tiny piece of the host or a sip of the wine . We left the church with our handsome little boy , and felt deflated to say the least . What was supposed to be a special day for him fell short . I was very upset with the parish and their lack of understanding about autism . I was annoyed at the nun for screwing up the entire thing . I just wanted him to receive once , just once , but it was not meant to be at that time . I later found out that other parishes were allowing children with autism to bring in a piece of whatever food they enjoyed , be it a piece of pizza crust or an m & m , and they blessed it and allowed them to receive . I am still hopeful that at some point soon , we will reach this milestone , but for now , we wait . It is also my hope that more churches will come to understand the difficulties children with autism have with food , and find another way to bless their sweet souls . As for us , we were batting 1 , 000 in our family when it came to Communions . By the time December rolled around that year , we were in a pretty good place . All of the boys were excited for the holidays , and we also had Mikey 's birthday to celebrate . He was my December baby , and the best Christmas gift I ever received . We always made a point of getting a special birthday cake for all of our children . Fortunately , we had a wonderful bakery close by that would draw favorite characters on each of their cakes . This was the easy part of the birthday . Mikey always had certain characters he loved , so whether it be Snoopy , Scooby - Doo , or a Disney character , we never had difficulty getting him a great cake . The hard part of the birthdays and the holidays was the gifts . Mikey loved certain characters , and enjoyed watching movies and t . v . , but he wasn 't big on playing with toys . This is not uncommon for children with autism . Many show very little interest in toys , while others may obsess over certain toys , line them up perfectly , and play with specific toys constantly . Mikey loved to play catch , so we always bought balls for him . He also loved to bounce , so we had purchased a small trampoline . This year , we were at a loss . DVDs were always an option , because he loved to watch them , but that didn 't seem very exciting to us . It bothered me greatly because if I wanted to , I could fill up carts with toys and games for my other three children , but when it came time to purchase gifts for Mikey , it was just not as easy . For his birthday that year , I was lucky enough to come across a Thomas the Tank Train that he could ride on around the house . It would require moving some furniture , but , it would be worth it . While he was not particularly interested in playing with trains , he loved movement . This birthday gift was a huge hit , but now I had to find something just as stimulating for Christmas . I tried to be creative . Puzzles , balls and DVDs would of course make the list , but I wanted something special , something he would love . He never really enjoyed arts and crafts , so that was out . He already had a bicycle , scooter and skateboard . Then , one day while watching QVC , I found the perfect gift . . . a bounce house that came with inflatable balls , a volleyball net , and soccer goals . It was a bit pricey , but I wanted so badly to see him happy ! I bought it , and hoped that he would love it . Mikey loved Christmas . . . the trees , the lights , and especially the music . Throughout December , he would sit near our tree , and watch holiday specials with his brothers . He loved to eat Christmas cookies , and absolutely loved candy canes . His brothers used to tease him about stealing all of the candy canes off of the tree . It was definitely a very stimulating time of year for him . His eyes would sparkle as he came down our stairs on Christmas morning , and he always had a smile a mile wide . Yet , he would never run straight to the tree for gifts . Instead , he would sit on the couch , with a blanket and Mike , and watch his brothers have at it . It truly seemed to delight him . He loved to see the boys pick out their gifts and rip them open . As the boys indulged themselves , they would always run over and give Mikey some of his gifts , and usually help him open them . While Mikey loved to see some new goodies in his lap , I think he enjoyed observing it all more . When the gifts had all been opened , he was thrilled with his bounce house , as were his brothers . We enjoyed many years of fun , bouncing for hours outside on beautiful days . I , of course , was pleased to have found the perfect gift . Yet , as each birthday / holiday arrives , we still find it difficult to come up with great gift ideas . We do however , try our best to find things that will interest him and engage him . Things to keep him active and busy . I 'd like to think though , that perhaps Mikey understands the spirit of the season better than the rest of us . . . . as his joy seems to come from watching the joy of others , rather than indulging himself . A great lesson for all of us indeed . Fall had arrived , and it seemed like a perfect time to head to Disney again . Chris would be celebrating his 9th birthday , and we thought the kids would enjoy spending some Halloween time at their favorite place in the world . We pulled the kids out of school for a few days , and embarked on our drive down I - 95 . Some parents may not believe that kids should ever be taken out of school in order to take a vacation , I disagree . While I certainly value the importance of education , I also value the importance of family time . In fact , I don 't think enough people make enough time to connect with one another . For us , spending time together , away from the therapies , structure , and schools was a great way to refresh and return ready for action . Depending on the age of our children , we sometimes did this twice a year , usually near a school break so they didn 't miss too many lessons . However , this time , we decided to go when the parks would not be crowded so as to ease Mikey 's frequent inability to deal with waiting . I have to admit , I was a bit tense prior to this trip . Mikey had been having some serious issues with waiting , and tantrums on occasion . I was wondering how he would react to waiting in line for rides , food , etc . We decided that most mornings we would order room service , so as not to have to wait to be seated in resaurants , and wait for food to arrive . We also figured , depending on everyone 's moods , we would take turns going out with the kids , in case Mikey would rather be swimming . We also made sure to have plenty of drinks and snacks on hand , in order to prevent meltdowns . With a plan and our family , we packed up the car and made our way down to Florida . The great part about traveling was that all of the boys , especially Mikey , loved it . Whenever he would see our suitcases come out , his eyes would light up . The funny thing is , that we always worried about his behavior on trips , yet he always tended to behave the best out of all of the boys ! Of course , we weren 't on the road an hour before someone got sick , another had to use the bathroom , etc . Typical when traveling with four young children . We got things under control and began to enjoy our time in the car together , with lots of laughing , storytelling and singing . When we arrived at Disney , everyone was super - excited . Mikey could not stop smiling and giggling . I was hoping this would be true for the entire trip . The beauty of this trip was that prior to leaving home , a friend of mine told me that Disney had a special pass for children with disabilities . It was similar to the Fast - Pass they have now , but it was only for the disabled . I thought this was only for the physically handicapped , however , I was wrong . This pass was also for children with autism . Upon arrival , we were told to visit City Hall in the park to obtain a pass . We brought paperwork documenting Mikey 's autism as proof , but were not asked to supply it . We received our pass , and off we went . Well , I cannot tell you what a blessing this pass was ! We did not have to wait on any lines , and it cut down on tantrums tremendously . We did not abuse the pass , but were ever so grateful to have it . Finally , a company that understood that autism was serious , stressful and addressed it . This was something that made our trip so much more enjoyable , and helped our family avoid a lot of unnecessary problems . Kudos to Disney for recognizing this need for families like ours . All in all , our trip turned out to be a great one . We enjoyed the parks , the pools and the great weather . We swam throughout the days , watched fireworks at night , and the boys even had a chance to dress up and go trick or treating in the Magic Kingdom . Chris had a wonderful time celebrating his birthday , and we enjoyed spending time together as a family . By the time we returned , Mikey was ready for school . We had always thought that he seemed to thrive after a trip , and his teachers agreed . For once , we had taken a trip without our stress levels hitting the roof , and now that we were back , Mikey was on top of his game . All things considered , we were heading in the right direction . Genetics I have always believed that autism is genetic and is triggered by something in the environment . Many may agree , while many others may disagree . While I have absolutely no way of proving whether or not I am correct , I still believe with all of my heart that this is true . However , I want to be clear , that this is all based upon my personal experience and observations , rather than scientific knowledge . Let me explain . Many families I know , again not all , but many , have more than one case of autism in their extended family . If not autism , they have other neurological issues such as Parkinson 's , epilepsy , or MS . They also frequently have family members with ADD , ADHD , behavioral issues or severe anxiety . In our families , there are other children with autism , people with ADD , ADHD , Parkinson 's and severe anxiety . While I think that you may find any one of these things in most families , it has been my experience that where there is autism , somewhere along the family lines there are a few of these other things as well . Many people who disagree will stand by the argument that if it is genetic , why are we seeing such an increase ? Why did we never hear of it years ago ? Great questions , and my answer is this . . . . just because we never heard of autism years ago , does not mean it did not exist . Many disabilities , ailments and diseases obviously existed before we knew what they were . As for the numbers rising ? Well , for one thing , we are far better at recognizing the signs today , and the spectrum , as it were , is quite wide . We see children who are excessively shy , to children who have no verbal skills and will only rock themselves all day . Autism comes in many shapes and forms , therefore possibly increasing the numbers . We also live in a world where our environment has become a great concern , especially when talking about not only autism , but many other physical ailments that plague our society today . Think about this for a moment . Many of us went to school with children who we considered to be different . If asked what we thought their issues were , most of us wouldn 't have been able to say , but we just knew something was different about them . Looking back at my own childhood , I knew many children who had difficulty socializing . Many who said whatever came to their mind without giving it a thought . Many who had habits , that back then , we simply considered to be " nervous habits . " How many people have you known in your life that would talk to you until they were blue in the face , although it was clear that you were uninterested ? Remember anyone who seemed unable to take social cues , ie : not getting the message when you made a face , or tried to interject , or simply paid no attention to them ? Or what about the kids who simply preferred to be left alone . . . the loners ? What about the person that knew every line to every t . v . show or movie , and had to repeat them at all costs ? Then there were the extremely studious kids , who were sometimes referred to as " nerds . " You know , the ones that went on to become engineers , doctors and scientists ( and probably make more than we could dream of ) ? As an adult , I look around ( as I have mentioned in prior entries ) , and I now have a name for what I had seen before in many people . I understand them a bit better . Question is , had I recognized all of these signs among our families , would I have still proceeded to have a family ? Most definitely . . . . . I adore my boys , and although one of my boys has autism , I wouldn 't trade him for the world . If given the opportunity , Mike and I would do it all over again . . . the same way . We have been blessed and have learned and continue to learn so much each day . Do I worry for the future of my boys and their children ? Most certainly . It is my hope that whatever causes this disability , will be discovered and corrected , so that my children and yours do not have to face the challenges that we do . It is important to move forward quickly with research . If you currently do not know someone with autism , you will soon . The numbers are rising at an incredible pace . Unfortunately , at the rate they are moving , chances are in the next generation , you too may have a grandchild or other family member affected by autism . It is my hope every day that those " nerdy " scientists discover what the genetic implications of this are , as well as the environmental factors that are triggering the autism . Whether it be our food supplies , our love of plastics , or pollution , I anxiously await some answers and some progress . Until then , I continue to love the life out of my son , and hope that he will one day be able to tell us his story in his own words . Prior to the dinner , we all met at a classmate 's house . Her mom threw a big party , where we all gathered to show off our new outfits , chit chat and get ready for a fun evening . Of course , there were a million pictures to be taken . Above , is a picture of myself and one of my friends inside the office of the mother hosting the party . She , as I remember , was either a psychologist or a psychiatrist . I remember walking into her office to take a few pictures , then we all left , excited to get on with the evening ahead . I have looked at this picture many , many times over the years , and never thought of anything more than the fun memories of that night . However , over the last ten years , whenever I looked at it , I saw something completely different . One , and only one thing in this photo stands out to me . If you look carefully at the bookshelves behind us , you will see many books , but also one book with very large writing . That book says AUTISM . Oddly enough , it is also in black and white , the exact same colors I was wearing that night . Of course , that evening I paid absolutely no attention to what was on those shelves . Even if I had noticed that book , it would have meant nothing to me , as I had no idea what autism was . Little did I know then what an impact autism would have on my family 's life . Now , some may call this a coincidence , others may call it fate . I like to think of it as being similar to looking ahead at the pages of a really great story . My amazing story with Mikey . It was a very slight glimpse into my future . Funny thing is , I didn 't know it then , and never thought to look for it . You see , that is the beauty of this life . . . . . things unfold when they are supposed to , and things happen to us for a reason . I truly believe it is all part of a grand plan . I certainly cannot explain it all , but I can accept it all , find the beauty in it , and know in my heart , that this is all supposed to be part of my journey . Things were moving along nicely for Mikey in school , and generally , he appeared to be happy . Aside from our occasional hellish rides to the drive - thru , things were going well . We hadn 't seen any head banging in quite some time . He did still fiddle with his hands , and rip a lot of things , but that wasn 't anything we couldn 't handle . As the year moved along , we started to notice that certain sounds were causing him to become distressed . I had often heard of children with autism or sensory issues having problems with different noises , but we had never experienced first hand . . . . until now . Whenever our phone rang , he would cover his ears . We thought it was odd , but apparently , it bothered him . We lowered the volume on the phone . . . . but it still bothered him . As a matter of fact , there were times when the phone rang , and it would bring him to tears immediately . We decided to turn the ringer off completely , and relied on hearing voices speak through our answering machine in order to know when a call was coming in . We also noticed that our dog barking was getting him upset as well . Anytime a truck went down our block , someone knocked on our door , the mailman came , or anyone walked past our house , the dog would bark . It sent Mikey over the edge . Funny thing was , if we were outside , and he heard any other dog bark , it did not phase him at all . We wondered if perhaps it was the echo in the house , but we were not sure . It got to the point where if we heard a truck coming , or knew the mail was about to be delivered , we would run through the house , find the dog , and bring him to the room furthest from the front door , in an effort to distract him . Often times , it did not work . As the dog barked , Mikey would sob and sob , and just be miserable . We thought about finding another home for our dog , but our other children adored him . We found ourselves , yet again , in a difficult position . Many may not be familiar with this , but in our neighborhood , whenever the fire department has a call , a loud siren goes off at the fire house . This , was the worst noise of all . Anytime , it went off , Mikey flipped . I asked a volunteer fireman why they still used these sirens , and if there wasn 't some alternate method for them to notify the volunteers of a fire , like a radio . I was told that this is how they have done it for years , and although the radios were helpful , there was no indication that the whistle would stop blowing . What made matters worse , was that it did not blow once or twice a day . . . . it blew all of the time . It was fair to say that between telephones , the dog , and the fire whistle , Mikey was distressed more often than not . We had solved the phone issue by turning the ringer off . Easy enough . While we contemplated what to do about the dog , we realized that although it was driving us crazy , it was not fair to take the dog away from the other boys , who already had made many sacrifices in other respects for their brother . Unfortunately , the fire whistle was completely out of our contol . I remembered back to when I had to take Mikey for a hearing test to be sure he could hear . Seemed odd now , as his hearing seemed to be excellent , almost too good . He heard things that the rest of us hardly noticed or paid attention to . Yet , loud noises such as fireworks , balloons popping , loud cars , or even the actual fire trucks , never bothered him at all . Living with this was by no means easy , but was interesting to say the least . After awhile , whenever one of these offensive sounds would upset Mikey , he would seek me out , no matter where he was . Unfortunately , I do not think it was for comfort , rather he would find me , and pinch me hard . Very hard . I am not sure if it was his way of making me understand how much the noise bothered his ears , or if he was mad at me for not controlling it , or if it was just a form of release for him . Whatever the reason , it became a habit , a painful habit , and no matter how often we tried to make him understand that he should not do it , it did not work . It seemed as if he could not rest or calm down until he found me and pinched me after one of these sounds . Never did it to Mike , or Chris , or even Timmy . Just me , and later on Sean . We found ourselves dealing with another difficult side of autism . We had to be consistent in our efforts to help him stop , and it would take quite some time ( years ) to overcome this aversion to these noises . I am happy to say , that he has since gotten over the phone issue . It never bothers him anymore . As for the dog , he has mellowed , and although he still jumps up whenever he hears a noise , his bark does not bother Mikey the way it once did . Mikey will now try to distract our dog from the window on his own . Unfortunately , the fire whistle still blows all of the time , but now Mikey simply covers his ears and hums until it stops . The temper tantrums , sobbing and pinching of long ago have thankfully subsided . It is interesting how little sounds , that we hear and take for granted each day , can be absolutely excruciating for a child or person with sensory issues or autism . Our experiences with all of these things is one of the reasons that I always encourage others to be grateful for the little things . The everyday things . If you are able to go about your day and not be bothered by any of these common things , consider yourself lucky . I can tell you first hand , it isn 't easy . I have often said that being a patient person is one of my greatest gifts . It has been a blessing to me as a wife , mother and a daughter . Patience , however , has never been Mikey 's strong suit . While most of the time he was happy and giggling , there were many moments when things were not so rosy . It seemed , that he , along with other children with autism , did not have a tremendous amount of patience in certain situations . I am not sure if this was a lack of ability to be patient , a lack of understanding as to why one needs to be patient , or a combination of both . One thing that we dreaded was the drive - through line at McDonald 's . My kids are not really fast food fans , but they do enjoy the occasional hash brown or box of french fries . . . . and that is all they would ever order . I myself , do not like fast food , however , kids are kids , and every so often , it was something they would ask for . Unfortunately , when Mikey was younger , his diet was somewhat restrictive . By that I mean , he did not like a large variety of foods . This is not uncommon for children in his situation . Combine that with class parties filled with fussy eaters being offered McDonald 's , and you wind up with an ever present desire for more and more french fries . Whenever I would take a trip to McDonald 's , I would go to the drive - thru . It was easier than dragging the four boys into the store with me , and Mikey having a meltdown in the middle of the store because his fries did not come fast enough . Now , when a store says " fast food , " it should be just that , however it never was . Here is what would happen to us on every , single visit . I would pull onto the line , and Mikey would start to get antsy . A few cars in , and he would be kicking the back of my seat . Then came time to place the order . . . . and I would have to try to quiet his yelling as I placed it . By the time I pulled away from the ordering place , he was in a full fit . Once we arrived at the window to pay , he was screaming , I was sweating , the other boys were yelling " be quiet " , and I was remembering when I was young and single . Then , inevitably , just when it seemed things could not possibly get worse , I would hear the words that I dreaded . . . " can you please pull up , and we 'll bring the fries out when they are done ? " Seriously ? ? ! ! ! This is a restaurant known for french fries , and they are never ready ? ! My son is screaming , and you want me to pull up ? ! As we pulled the car up to the waiting place , Mikey was in complete meltdown mode . Kicking , tears streaming down his face , and all of the boys were flustered . Waiting two minutes for a few boxes of french fries had turned into an eternity . Finally , they arrived , and the screaming turned to gentle sobs , and before we reached home , order had been restored . That my friends , was a typical quick ride to get some french fries . This went on for some time , and I tried to keep my boys away from there as much as possible . It created nothing but havoc for us . A simple box of fries created some of the most stressful moments that one would have to see to believe . One morning , Mike decided to take Mikey in by himself for breakfast . He really just wanted to try to help him understand the waiting concept if possible , and to spend a little time with him . Needless to say , after they ordered , they were told they would have to wait for three hash browns . . . . well , guess what happened ? Mikey went into a full fit , and the girl at the counter just stood there looking at him . Finally the manager approached the counter , and asked the girl what the problem was . Mike told him that Mikey just wanted a hash brown and that he had autism . The manager turned to the girl and told her to get him his hash brown immediately . She did , and again , the calm was restored . The manager then told the girl that in a situation like that , you get the customer their food asap , and he apologized to Mike . Now , he really need not apologize , as it was not his fault , but the girl at the counter could have tried to help a bit faster instead of staring , but hey , this is what goes on . I am happy to report , that since these episodes , so very long ago , the tantrums have basically subsided . Mikey can now go into restaurants , most of the time , and wait a few minutes for his food . We just make sure that we never wait until he is super hungry . This is just one example of how living with autism can make your life so very different from the average family . Adjustments constantly need to be made , and we make them . Fortunately , Mikey has a much better diet these days , and fast food hardly ever happens anymore . I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I am for that . I have never been the type of person who feels the need to just say whatever I am thinking about someone else . If I don 't like someone 's clothing or hairstyle , I am certainly not going to tell that person how I feel . There are a few reasons for that . First , it would only hurt his / her feelings . Secondly , this person is probably not interested in my opinion anyway , but even if asked , I would never make someone feel bad about himself . As children , we sometimes tend to tease , or be catty ( especially girls ) , but as adults we should simply know better . Unfortunately , in many cases , the adults are worse than the children . When Mikey was in elementary school , most of the children were not only kind , but accepting as well . I guess that is because we live in a society today where our children are exposed to many differences amongst themselves , such as cultures , religions ( or lack of ) , and special needs . It is very interesting to see the level of tolerance that children have in comparison with adults . That is not to say that there aren 't still some playground bullies , etc . , but I think that overall , we have seen our children grow up in a world that is far more tolerant than the one we grew up in . It has been very interesting , and even amusing at times , to hear some of the comments that have been made and the questions that we have been asked throughout our journey . I often wonder how some people work up the nerve to say the things that they do . At first , I was often offended , but I have since developed a thick skin . In a situation like ours , you have to be strong in order to move forward , so I have learned to brush off a lot of ignorant remarks . When someone makes a comment that would have possibly upset me long ago , I now just think to myself , " here is another person without a filter . . . perhaps he / she has undiagnosed issues ? " I usually wind up feeling sorry for that person . Why ? Well , it is simple . . . he / she may have no tact , no self - control , may not be very bright , may want to be hurtful or all of the above . I 'd rather be on my side of the fence anyday . While it never fails that someone will make a silly remark or ask what we consider to be a ridiculous question ( yes folks , some questions really aren 't that great ) , we never find ourselves offended by well - meaning people who are truly curious and are looking to learn about autism . I will glady discuss it with anyone who chooses to approach me . I am not guarded , and do not want people to think that questions cannot be asked , after all , that is how we learn . However , some are so ridiculous and downright offensive , they are not to be believed . What is even crazier about all of this ? Some of these questions were asked by family members ! ! I am going to share a few with you , and in parenthesis , will be what was going through my head as they were asked . 1 . If you could do it all over again , would you still have Mikey ? ( Of course , but if I were your mom I might think twice about it ) . So , you get the idea . I find that having a good sense of humor and taking these questions from where they come , helps me to deal with them more easily than in the beginning . It is okay to ask questions , but it might be a great idea for some people to think about them before blurting them out , that is unless they have issues of their own . One day , while sitting and doing homework with Chris , he looked up at me and asked the inevitable question . He wanted to know why Mikey was not talking . I thought it was interesting that he would ask me in the middle of homework , and thought perhaps one of his classmates might have brought it up . Whatever the case may have been , he was asking , and he deserved some answers . Honestly , I had never given much thought as to how we would explain Mikey 's autism to the boys because we were all actually living it each day . However , the boys obviously did not understand it , and it was time to answer some questions . Our conversation basically went like this ; What do you say at a moment like that ? Here is my oldest son , all of age 9 , telling me that he will care for his brother when he gets older . To say that I was choked up is an understatement . I went on to tell Chris that I hoped that he would never have to do that , but I was very proud of him for offering to care for Mikey . At that same time , Timmy chimed in from another room adding that he would help Chris , and that they could take turns caring for Mikey . My sons were a rambunctious bunch , were a bit rough at times , and were not always well - behaved , but they loved each other , and both Mike and I were very proud of them . After my conversation with Chris , Mike and I had some very serious conversations . What will happen to Mikey when he is older , and we are no longer here ? Who will look after him ? Is it fair to have his brothers feel that they need to care for him forever ? What about their own lives , future wives and children ? Who did we know that would be willing to be a guardian for him if necessary ? Difficult questions to answer , and not very pleasant things to talk about . Unfortunately , it was a reality and we would have to start giving it serious consideration . This is something that every special needs parent has to consider . For me , I had never even thought about placing Mikey in an adult home , or any place where he would be cared for by anyone other than family . I tried to put all of this out of my mind , because he was only six , but it was definitely a conversation that we continued to have . Did we come up with any concrete answers ? No . Do we still worry about this ? Most definitely . If anything , conversations like these , make us realize how important it is to help Mikey to become as independent as possible , and makes us proud to know that our little family that we are raising is willing to take care of their own . As for me , it has made me realize that I need to take care of myself and live to be 100 . Our summer had come to an end , and Mikey had started school again . This year , the Dynavox would be used each day to not only help him with communication , but also to help him learn his basic math and reading skills . He seemed to do well with the machine at school , and his year was off to a great start . Each day he would come off the bus carrying this heavy machine in his backpack . I would quickly take the backback off his back , and asked the matron if she would mind not putting it on his back because it was too heavy . She agreed . As the days passed , I would get Mikey ready for the bus each morning , and wait outside for it to arrive . One morning , as he was boarding the bus , I handed his backpack to the matron ( who was an absolutely lovely lady ) , and she said " you know , they told me at school to tell you that they want him to have his backpack on his back when he comes on and off of the bus . " Normally , this would not have been an issue , but with that machine in there , it was far too heavy . He was only in first grade ! I explained to her that I would discuss it with the teacher . It was decided that he would wear his backpack , but carry his machine in his hand . Still heavy , but at least it was not on his back . We were also asked to use the machine as much as possible at home , even for the simplest requests . Here is where we ran into trouble . Mikey was six years old . If he wanted a snack or a drink , he would usually help himself . He would open the refrigerator and help himself to a bottle of water or a juicebox . He would also open the snack cabinet and choose whatever snack he was in the mood for . He was very independent , and we thought that was a great thing . However , his speech teacher kept requesting that we make him use the machine to request the food and drink items at home . This seemed silly to us . Yes , we wanted him to utilize his machine to make his needs known , however , if he already knew what he wanted , and was able to help himself , why use it ? Yet over and over his speech teacher pressed on about this . The more she pressed on , the more irritated I became . We finally got together for a meeting , and yet again , I was kind of " scolded " about using the machine for simple requests at home . I found it so interesting that here I was again , being told what to do in my own home , by a very , very young , single speech teacher . In other words , she had no children of her own , had no experience running a household filled with people , and certainly did not have to deal with autism 24 / 7 . I tried to explain to her that it would be more annoying for Mikey to have to run to his machine , find the page for food , scroll down to find the request for juice , find the specific juice he wanted , and then make the request . By the time he did all of those things , he could have grabbed his juice and been done with it . I also thought that it was great that he was becoming independent . She disagreed . I finally put it to her this way . . . I asked her to put herself in his place , and take the machine home for a weekend . I wanted her to try to live like she wanted him to live . She would need to use the machine anytime she wanted to do anything , such as use the bathroom , grab a drink , eat , go out , etc . She looked at me like I was crazy . Of course , she did not agree , but I didn 't care . I was only trying to prove a point . It was very easy to look from the outside in and tell us what to do , however , it was not necessarily as easy to implement these ideas in real life . I went on to explain that being patient was a difficult thing for Mikey . I had three other children to care for as well . Why would I make him wait for a drink , one which he could easily help himself to , just so he could press the right buttons on the machine ? Sometimes the machine did not always work , this only frustrated him further . Sometimes I might be in the shower , or helping one of my other children . . . . again , why should he have to wait ? Plus , we were getting him to say please and thank - you without the use of the machine , and that was our goal from the very beginning . I thought the machine was a great tool to utilize in school , and also great if he needed to express something he could not otherwise express , but for everyday life at home , it seemed to be a bit too much . Mikey was doing very well with the machine at school , and that was a place where he could not just go to the refrigerator and help himself , so I understood the need for the Dynavox . I could even understand the need for it if we were in a restaurant , but in our own home , I wanted Mikey to learn to help himself . The speech teacher and I never really came to an agreement on this , and unfortunately , that remained true for many years . Mikey used his machine daily at school , and we used it at home for his homework . We were happy to watch him grow and become more and more independent . Were we doing the right thing ? I cannot say for sure , but it was working for us , in our home . This had always been one of my gripes about some people working with my son . Yes , they had degrees in their field of expertise , and yes , they worked each day with children affected by autism , however , I had yet to meet one that had a child with autism . I looked at it this way , in life , helping children with autism is what they did for a living . Living with autism was our life . Mike and I were embarking on a journey that we had never anticipated . When we were dating and later married , we had never discussed autism , much less how our lives would change if our family were ever affected by it . However , when you are young , and planning a life together , it really isn 't something you talk about . I consider both Mike and myself to be fairly easy - going people . My husband is actually one of the most laid - back guys I have ever known , and for us , this has been a blessing . When it had first been determined that Mikey had autism , our minds were in fifty different places at once , but then things calmed down . That is not to say that we have not had difficult days , or trying moments , because we have had many . The beauty of our relationship is that when I become upset or stressed , he helps me regain my composure , and vice versa . If one of us loses sight of what is really important , the other helps to bring things back into perspective . I am ever so thankful that I have a partner on this journey , because many parents do not , and extra support can be critical at times . Once we made it through all of the doctors , teachers , therapists , and initial changes in our lives , we continued to move forward in a positive direction as a family . We still did all of the things we had done before . We traveled , we spent summers at the beach , we shopped , we celebrated milestones , and we spent weekends visiting zoos , aquariums , parks and museums . Yet , while all of these things remained the same , we You see , once autism enters your life , there is no going back . While you carry on each day with your normal routine , it is still somehow in the back of your mind . This does not mean that we dwelled on it non - stop , but even when I wasn 't thinking about it , it crept back into my mind . I looked at people differently , and perhaps had a better understanding of them , their moods , and their reality . I was able to spot a person affected by autism a mile away . I remember being in various situations where we encountered families who were obviously going through what we were , and as parents , we would immediately click with the other family , even if we were only strangers passing each other in a store . There is this sense that I have ( and I think this may be true for many other parents who are in similar situations ) , and you glance at the other family , and they glance back , and you just get it . . . . you understand it , and nothing more needs to be said . I also thought about all of the people I had known in my lifetime that were a little different or unique . The excessively shy kids at school , the people who invaded my personal space when speaking with me , the people who always managed to say the wrong thing , as if they had no filter . I thought about the people I had encountered that were never able to look me or anyone else in the eye , people with odd habits such as hair twirling , pacing , fiddling with their pencils , humming incessantly , and those who were socially awkward . I had known many people throughout my life that had characteristics of autism , and I had never realized it until it I also started to look at our own families , their personalities , their lives , their ability to maintain or not be able to maintain relationships or jobs . The way the behaved in social situations , the hobbies they enjoyed , or their lack of hobbies , their habits and their behaviors . In essence , I started to evaluate all of these people and things in my own mind , whereas before Mikey , I would never really have given much thought to any of it . Perhaps the most important thing that was going through my mind at this point in time was understanding the importance of patience and tolerance . I had always been a very patient person , and I now considered that a special gift in my life . Patience was a must in our situation . However , I would always encounter people in stores and other places that were very quick to judge , and had a lack of tolerance for many , especially children . I have learned that the child throwing a tantrum in aisle 8 may not be a spoiled brat who needs a spanking . I have learned that the child who hits his / her parent in public may not be the undisciplined monster most onlookers would suspect , and I have learned that instead of staring at a mom or dad who is in the midst of some of these trials , it is more helpful to offer to help them by maybe moving their shopping cart out of the way , or even helping them to make a graceful exit out of a store . Many years ago my husband took Mikey to a local grocery store . After picking up a few things , Mikey started to lose his patience . As they were on line , he became more and more vocal , and although it was only a few minutes , for Mike , it seemed like an eternity . As they were exiting the store , a young , fresh cashier said out loud " thank God they are getting out of here . " Mike stopped in his tracks , turned around and approached this cashier . He looked her in the eye , and loudly said " I hope that you never have to go through anything like this in your life . . . have a nice day ! " I think it is fair to say that she indeed , looked quite foolish , with everyone now staring at her instead of Mikey . Perhaps that day she learned to be a bit more compassionate , and to have some tolerance and patience . I hope so . I had an opportunity to meet with Mikey 's teacher , and we discussed his progress , as well as his difficulties in the area of communication . It had been decided that he would be slowly introduced to a communication device known as a Dynavox . This machine would help him express himself and hopefully alleviate any feelings of frustration . I was told that the machine would go everywhere with him , school , home , etc . Seemed It was not a very large device , I 'd say about the size of a portable dvd player . The problem was that it weighed so much ! This machine was heavy . It seemed to me that it would be very tedious having to carry this thing around all day . It wouldn 't be too much of an issue at school , as it sat on his desk most of the day . However , in everyday life , it seemed like it might possibly become a problem . Of course , we wanted him to have a way to make all of his needs known , so we went along with the plan . I also requested that they try to teach him sign language . I thought it would be great for him to have another way to communicate if needed . Let me just say this , I do not like to hear " no " before something is even tried . What harm could it possibly do to make an effort to teach him sign language ? The other thing that drove me crazy was that Mikey had a set of the strongest hands I had ever encountered on a child . We have a friend that used to joke about how Mikey could rip a phone book in half if he tried . As mentioned in prior posts , he was always playing with his hands . He also had a habit of ripping and twisting things . . . . things that were not easy to rip or twist . He would rip apart plastic trash bags that we kept in our trash can . He would twist bags from the supermarket so hard that the ink would be completely gone when he was finished . He would rip almost anything he could get his hands on . We even went through a phase where he would rip tissues , toilet paper or paper towels non - stop . If I left a room for five minutes , when I returned , it would look like we had a snowstorm with all of the tiny bits of tissues everywhere . It got to the point where we could no longer buy regular trash bags and had to use the heavy duty construction bags for our garbage . Guess what ? He ripped those too . Now , I would agree with the teachers that he may not have gripped his pencil properly , but when it came to hand strength , he had it . After much persistence on my part , they decided to try the sign language . Within a month they came back to me saying it was not working . I didn 't feel that was enough time , however , they did not agree , and discontinued it . Instead , they focused on only the machine , which was a great thing for him , but we were very disappointed that they gave up so easily on another method of communication for him . My son is capable of many things . He only needs constant reinforcement to allow him to flourish . Having them give up so easily made me question whether or not they had his best interests at heart or only their own agenda . I thought perhaps it was the latter . . . . and future events would only confirm my belief . |
" Papa ! Why you wearing that shirt ? You look like a farmer . " That 's what Kiefer said to Roel when he saw his red checked shirt . - November 4 , 2010 Saskia is just about 3 months old and weighs in at over 14 pounds ! She 's a very sweet baby and we consider ourselves incredibly lucky because she sleeps very well ; she has from the beginning . I am almost afraid to write about it because I do not want to jinx our good fortune . She usually goes down for the night at 9 : 30 and we wake her up at 6 : 45 so we can get the day started . I believe the reason she sleeps so well at night because she doesn 't usually sleep very much during the day . Sometimes she won 't take a real nap . . . only a few 5 - 10 minute cat naps . I don 't know how she does it ! Transitioning from a family of 3 to 4 went pretty smoothly . Now we can 't even imagine life without Saskia . Grandma , Grandpa , Aunt Janice and Uncle Geoff came to visit in July and helped us out with cooking and cleaning . They also kept big brother Kiefer occupied . It was great to see them and Kiefer had so much fun . Kiefer was very impressed with Uncle Geoff and mimicked whatever Uncle Geoff did . If Uncle Geoff took his shirt off while in the garden , Kiefer did , too ! A visit to the Creamee in Turner 's Falls was a must . Grandpa ordered a large cone of softserv knowing full well that a large at the Creamee is LARGE . They could barely get it out the window to give to him , but he was able to eat it without making a mess ! In August , Oma and Opa came to visit . They , too , were a huge help and did all sorts of fun things with Kiefer , especially during the week when Holly was closed for vacation . They took him to the Great Falls Discovery Center and Look Park where he had great fun playing in the water spray park . We spent a lot of time in the back yard watching Kiefer swim , play with our new neighbor 's 2 - year old son , Brandon , and drive around in his Jeep . Shortly before Saskia was born , I scored a two - seater PowerWheels Jeep on Craigslist . It took him a little while to figure out how to steer it , but he is quite good at it now . He loves to drive around and he often has us laughing out loud when we see him throw it in reverse and put his arm over the seat while he backs up . He looks like he 's been driving for years ! Saskia went through a few weeks of throwing up everything in her stomach all over herself , me and the couch . Although she never seemed to be too bothered by this , it did create quite a laundry problem . I have stopped eating dairy , chocolate and tomatoes and she seems to be better . She is also on a dose of Prilosec each day . Just another month of that and we 'll see how she does without it . Saskia 's first trip outside of Massachusetts was to Pennsylvania for my 15 - year high school reunion on September 5 . She was amazing . She didn 't make a peep during the 3 . 5 hour car ride there or back . It was just the two of us as Kiefer and Papa stayed at home . I don 't think Roel was too keen on going . Plus , Oma and Opa were flying back to the Netherlands that weekend , so he and Kiefer stayed at home . We left early Saturday morning and returned Sunday evening . I went back to work full - time after labor day . This meant that Saskia started at daycare full - time . She is at the same home daycare that Kiefer has been at since he was 3 months old . I love Holly and I love that they are together in a home . She is doing very well there and likes to be where the action is - - watching the older kids play . We think she might be just as nosy as Kiefer , who refuses to nap there because he 's afraid he might miss something . We took Kiefer and Saskia to the Franklin County Fair . It 's pretty great because it is only a 5 minute walk up the road from our house . We thought Kiefer would be thrilled about the rides now that he is big enough to ride many of them . He enjoyed them very much and rode them with his friend , Maeve , who we happened to run into there with her parents . However , Kiefer was just as happy sitting on all the tractors and heavy equipment on display . We 've been keeping busy on the weekends . Last weekend we went apple picking at Clarkdale with our friend , Marie José , and her two daughters . We picked Cortlands and had never picked in that particular field before . When our bag was about halfway full , Marie José noticed some suspicious 3 leafed plants beneath the apple trees . It was poison ivy ! Needless to say , we weren 't too pleased that they didn 't post any signs or warn us about it and the kids were under the trees , of course ! We washed our feet and shoes in cold water as soon as we got back to the house and luckily , none of us had any sign of rash . We also visited my college friends ( Bonnie , Cindy and Laura ) and their families in eastern Massachusetts . That is quite fun now that each of us has two children . There we were - - 8 adults trying to keep up with 8 children ranging in age from 4 down to 10 weeks . Gone are the days of sitting around and leisurely enjoying food , drink and conversation ! We also visited the Big E . We hadn 't planned on going this year , but my friend from high school , Carisa and her husband , Ed , were going and we couldn 't pass up an opportunity to see them . They live in Boston and although it isn 't far , we don 't get together often enough . Kiefer had the best time . He loved the parade complete with Mardi Gras floats which tossed beads . He enjoyed the rides and when he was too tired at the end of the day , he rode on Papa 's shoulders . Saskia was quite content in the stroller and didn 't seem fazed by the marching bands and noisy crowd . For some bizarre reason , Kiefer calls Diego from the show Go , Diego , Go ! " Two - eggo ! " Kiefer got a special toddler alarm clock in hopes we could get him waking up at a more reasonable hour than 5 : 30 am . We set it to glows green when it is OK for him to get up . The first morning he had it , Kiefer woke up before it was set to glow and said , " Hey ! My clock doesn 't work ! It 's not green ! " Kiefer informed me that when he gets bigger he 's going to marry Suzanne and they 're going two have two baby boys named " Sizewise " and " Hippityhop . " Random . And funny . - September 21 , 2010 Kiefer was 12 days over estimated due date , so I was expecting to go late this time as well . On Tuesday , June 29 - - 4 days over my due date - - I had no indication ( other than Mr . Oliver , our cat , acting strange around me ) that I was going to go into labor . Earlier in the day , I went to the grocery store , made 4 - berry jam and a no - bake cheese pie . It started very suddenly in the late afternoon . At first , the contractions felt stronger than usual Braxton Hicks , which I 'd been having for months so I didn 't think much . Within a couple of hours I knew I was in labor because the contractions became more frequent and regular . When they were about 6 minutes apart , I told Roel that this might be it and I was going to go take a shower . I did , so did he and we gathered everything and called our neighbor , who volunteered to stay with Kiefer if I went into labor at night . I was having contractions in waves of 3 about 5 minutes apart . We got in the car after I had just had the last of a wave and we made it without any contractions until we pulled into the hospital parking spot . Because labor with Kiefer lasted 42 hours and involved terrible back labor , the first thing I said when I got to the hospital and saw the nurse was , " I 'd really like an epidural . I want you to know that now so you can get the anesthesiologist . " I was starting to have back labor so I didn 't want to go through that again . Unfortunately , she told me I needed to have a bag of fluids before that could happen . Then , when she checked me and told me I was dilated 7 cm and was in transition , she went to get the midwife who had just finished delivering another baby . I knew when the midwife rushed in with everything for delivery that I had missed the boat and I wasn 't getting drugs . I was a little freaked out , but mostly happy that things were going so quickly and that I would be able to experience a natural child birth . The back labor is attributed to the fact that the baby was sunny side . . . just like Kiefer . I had a few minutes between contractions , which helped . When I felt one coming , I would say , " Oh no ! " I think I even once said in the middle of the bad back labor , " This just isn 't right ! Make it stop ! " Everything did go very quickly . We arrived at the hospital at 9 : 30 pm and our beautiful daughter was born at 11 : 50 pm after only about 10 minutes of pushing . Roel and I are enjoying being the parents of a little girl . Kiefer is in love with her , too . He just wonders why she sleeps so much ! Kiefer had been acting up in past few weeks , but as soon as the baby arrived , he was fine . We think the anticipation of the big event really got to him . Things seem to be going rather smoothly . Saskia is a pretty mellow baby and a good eater . Roel and I are seasoned parents this time around and that definitely helps , too ! We are adjusting to getting less sleep and changing diapers again ! It is hard to believe that our little boy is now 3 years old ! The week before his birthday , we headed to the West Harwich / Dennisport area of Cape Cod with Oma and Opa ( Roel 's parents ) . They usually come to visit during his birthday and he has been having a great time playing with them . Oma likes to take him out on his bike and Opa likes to share an orange with Kiefer . The weather was quite beautiful on the Cape for late May , so we spent a good amount of time at the beach playing and finding sea shells . For Kiefer 's birthday , Papa and Opa decorated the house with streamers and he was thrilled when he saw them the morning of this birthday . He asked , " For my birthday ? " Throughout the day , he opened presents which Oma and Opa doled out . Kiefer was at home for the week because his daycare provider was on a well - deserved vacation . It was over 90 F on his birthday , so when I got home from work , I ran around with Kiefer in the sprinkler and when Papa got home from work , we gave him ice cream cake and he opened the last of his presents . He was thrilled with all the Cars items and the piggy bank and was ecstatic to get his very own camera . He opened it and said , " A camera . For me ! " Kiefer always wants to take a picture with our camera when we have it out so we thought we would get him his own . He picked it up very quickly and has been happily snapping away . You can check out some of his photos on Picasa in an album called " The World According to Kiefer - Photos by a 3 year - old . " At 11 : 20 pm the night of Kiefer 's b - day , we all awoke to a terrible storm . The thunder and lightening were right overhead and the rain and wind were ferocious . Our power went out and though initially scared by all the noise of the storm , Kiefer was very happy to walk around with a flashlight . We saw that a power line had come done up the street from our house and it was arcing - - lighting up the whole neighborhood . The fire department came quickly and thankfully , the downed wire landed on a lawn , well away from houses . The lawn was scorched and black when we saw it the next day . After an hour , things had calmed down and we went back to bed . There was still no power in the morning and to our dismay , it appeared that the power would not be restored for days . Two trees had fallen from the woods into our yard . . . narrowly missing some newly planted perennials . We all went to bed around 9 : 00 pm when it got dark the next couple of nights ( reading by candlelight doesn 't really work ) and power was restored by noon on Saturday . . . 60 hours after the storm . It has been two and half months since Kiefer 's surgery and he is doing great ! He was on blood pressure medication for two weeks . After a visit to the pediatric cardiologist in Springfield , he went down to a half dose for a week and finally went off of it . His blood pressure looked good even without the medication . Kiefer had a follow up appointment with the cardiologist in April and the doctor said that everything looked really good . It was rather difficult for the tech to do the ultrasound because Kiefer really didn 't want it done and cried , but he eventually calmed down enough that they could get the pictures they needed . He was just fine with the doctor listening with the stethoscope to his heart and his pulse in his arms and legs . Kiefer has a little doctor 's kit and he often practices taking our blood pressure or listening to our hearts . He will see the cardiologist again for a check up in a couple of weeks . This Easter photo of Kiefer ( left ) was selected by Children 's Hospital Boston as " Photo of the Week ! " The weekend before Easter , we took Kiefer to Diemand Farm in nearby Wendell for an Easter Egg hunt . It was quite chilly that day and there were a lot of kids , but Kiefer had a great time meeting the Easter bunny , looking at the baby goats , bunnies and chicks , " driving " the tractor , and finding Easter eggs . After a morning at the farm , we headed to eastern Massachusetts to Bennie 's 1st birthday party . Kiefer had great fun running around with his friends Vivi and Catherine . Kiefer talks about and to the baby in my belly . He gives my belly kisses and he tells me the baby is going to be " so cute ! " I hope he is as nice to her when she actually gets here . I am 36 weeks pregnant right now and I 'm really starting to slow down . It 's been unseasonably hot , which is not good for a big pregnant lady ! Work is air - conditioned and we did install the air - conditioners at home already so it is somewhat bearable . A couple of my favorite recent Kiefer - isms : I said to Kiefer , " I love you so much ! " To which Kiefer responded , " I love YOU so much ! " Then I said , " You 're so cute ! " He said , " You 're so big . " - April 11 , 2010 I told Kiefer that he had to brush his teeth so he wouldn 't have dragon breath . The next day , after brushing his teeth , he said , " I don 't have dragon teeth ! " - May 15 , 2010 We arrived at the Yawkey Family Inn on Sunday evening at about 5 : 00 pm . It is a beautiful house located only a 10 minute walk from the hospital . It actually used to be a fraternity house . . . the frat donated it to the hospital and it is now a lovely and inexpensive place for families of patients at Boston Children 's to stay . Kiefer was very excited to explore the place , but we did have to get dinner so we walked to a restaurant in the pouring rain . We were all quite soaked , but we had a good meal and when we got back , Kiefer took a warm bath . We had to bathe him with a special sponge and soap to help make sure his skin was extra clean for surgery . He enjoyed being sprayed with the hand - held shower and was quite cooperative . After bath , we let him play in the playroom and he had a great time . There was a little girl about a year older than Kiefer who was rather shy but wanted to play with him . They eventually broke the ice and had lots of fun running around and playing . I assumed the little girl was a sibling of a patient at the hospital . It turns out that she was a patient who had just been released that day . She had open heart surgery just 5 days earlier ! I was amazed ! Her family had to try very hard to get her to not run . That was definitely a good thing for us to see ! Kiefer doesn 't sleep very well in new places , so he really didn 't want to go to sleep . I think it was close to 11 pm before he did finally fall asleep . He woke up bright and early at 5 am and was ready to play ! We got ourselves ready and called the hospital security to come and pick us up . There was no way we were going to walk in the pouring rain again ! Security took their sweet time coming to get us , though and we ended up getting there at 6 : 45 am when we were supposed to check in at 6 : 30 am . The good thing , I suppose , was that we didn 't have to wait for anything . We checked in , they took his vitals , put an ID bracelet on his arm and off we went to pre - surgery . We had a few minutes there to play with a sticker sheet the nurse had given him before the anesthesiologist gave him some cherry flavored liquid to calm him . He spit most of it out , of course . Only moments later they told us that one of us could bring him back to the OR and handed us a surgical mask , cap and gown . I put the cap on and when I stood up for the nurse to assist me with the gown , she asked , " Are you pregnant ? " I told her I was and she informed me that I wasn 't allowed to go . So Roel suited up and brought Kiefer to the OR . I cried and cried . It all went so fast and it was scary to think that he was about to be cut open . Within a few minutes , Roel was back and there we were with the sticker sheet Kiefer had just been playing with and the clothes he had been wearing . The nurse brought us to the OR nurse station , where we gave our cell phone numbers so they could call us and give us updates on the surgery and when it was finished . We went to Au Bon Pain on the hospital main floor and had some breakfast while waiting . We were both OK when we didn 't think about the surgery . I occupied myself on - line and Roel read the Boston Globe . About 45 minutes later , we got a call from the nurse saying that the surgery had started . Actually , she said , " They just made the incision . " Yeah . I really didn 't want to know that . More waiting and trying not to think about it and an hour after that we got another call and to my surprise it was the surgeon , Dr . Emani . He told me that they were finishing up and he would be transferred to the CICU in about 15 minutes . We headed upstairs to the CICU waiting room and 1 / 2 hour later we were brought back to his room . It was pretty shocking to see him hooked up to so many tubes and machines . He had a breathing tube , two ivs in his right hand , an iv in his neck , a thoracotomy tube coming out his chest and a urinary catheter . This in addition to the wires monitoring his heart rate and O2 levels . We held his hand and talked to him , but it took him a long time to come out of the anesthesia . He 'd wake up a little , nod or shake his head to questions we 'd ask and then he 'd fall back to sleep . It wasn 't until about 4 in the afternoon that he woke up enough for them to remove his breathing tube . When they did , he was so good . . . he didn 't cry at all and the nurses were very surprised . When the tube was removed , he immediately turned over to lay on his stomach . I got into bed with him and he put his head on my lap and slept for a while . Dr . Emani stopped by and said that Kiefer was doing great . He told us that Kiefer would likely be able to drink or eat something like a Popsicle within a few hours . I wasn 't feeling so great by then . I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions all afternoon and generally didn 't feel good . Certainly the stress and lack of sleep had caught up to me . I stayed with Kiefer at the hospital that night and Roel stayed at the Yawkey . Kiefer slept from about 10 pm - 12 am and had a Popsicle when he woke up . He slept again from 1 - 2 am , but woke up quite unhappy and threw up the Popsicle at 2 : 30 am . . . a side effect of the anesthesia . That was all the sleep he or I got that night . He cuddled with me the rest of the morning until they removed the thoracotomy tube and arterial line . Because I was laying right next to him when they were removing the arterial line , I got sprayed with blood ! It was nice for him to be a little less wired . Roel arrived at the hospital at 7 : 30 am and I went to the Yawkey to get some sleep . When I returned at 1 : 00 pm , I found that he had moved out of the CICU at 11 : 30 am and onto 8 West to a cardiac in - patient room . He was playing with the trains in the play room and riding around in a big wheel chair cart . That afternoon , our friends Carisa and Ed ( who live nearby and with whom we stayed Thursday last week ) came by to say hello . They brought Kiefer some Duplo blocks and he showed them the playroom and train table . He got a little sleepy and took a nap for about an hour . Dr . Emani stopped by again and told us what one of the nurses had told us earlier that day : Kiefer would likely be discharged the following day because he was doing so great . Kiefer got a roommate that evening - - a 3 week old baby from Ecuador . The baby cried a lot and it made it difficult for both Kiefer and Roel to get some sleep that night . Kiefer slept more than Roel , but when I got to the hospital the next morning at 7 : 30 am , they both looked pretty tired . Roel headed back to the Yawkey for some sleep and I stayed with Kiefer . We played in the playroom for a while , but they needed to draw blood remove some of the bandages / tape and get a chest x - ray before they could make the final call about the discharge . I couldn 't believe that he didn 't care at all about the chest x - ray this time . I told him he was going to get his picture taken and he said , " Cheese ! " when both of them were taken . He insisted that I get my pictures taken , too , so the tech had to pretend to take x - rays of me . This pleased Kiefer . They pretty quickly let us know that things looked fine and Kiefer could indeed go home that day . The last thing to be done was to remove his remaining arm iv and neck iv . This was not pleasant . It took two nurses and me and Roel to hold him down to take out the neck iv . He screamed bloody murder . Poor little guy . When both were removed , we got him dressed , packed our stuff and headed home ! It seemed strange to be leaving just two days after his surgery , but we were happy to head home . Kiefer will see his pediatric cardiologist and pediatrician in the coming weeks and he will be on both Tylenol and Motrin for pain relief and some blood pressure medication for a little while until he heals more from the surgery . He 'll be at home for the next week because daycare might be just a little too exciting for him , but after that , he should be back to his normal schedule . His scar is about 3 - 4 inches and we can 't get it wet for at least 10 days . This is going to make bathing a challenge , but we 'll figure it out . Thanks again for all the well wishes . They certainly worked ! And a big thanks to all the doctors and nurses at Children 's Hospital Boston who took such good care of our little man . It has been a long couple of days , but Kiefer is a trooper . We got up at 4 : 15 am on Thursday morning so we could leave for Boston no later than 5 : 00 am . We told Kiefer we were going to see the doctor and he said , " No ! It 's closed . " What a smart little guy . We arrived at 7 : 15 am for our 7 : 30am appointment and we ended up spending a lot of the day waiting . . . to get a chest x - ray , to talk to the anesthesiologist , to get a tour of the CICU and the regular cardiac in - patient rooms , to talk to the surgeon , to get blood drawn , to get the echo - cardiogram . Kiefer charmed almost everyone he met . He didn 't seem to mind the waiting because he had hallways to run up and down , toys to play with , books to read , a playground to play on and lots of other distractions . It 's a good thing because we weren 't finished until just after 3 : 00 pm . We then drove to a friend 's house in nearby Somerville , where we spent the night before heading back for 7 : 00 am Friday morning . Kiefer wasn 't used to sleeping somewhere new and we had a very difficult time getting him to fall asleep . He woke up at 5 : 00 am and said , " I want to play ! " Because Kiefer didn 't want to cooperate Thursday with the ultrasound ( he refused to lay down for it and cried when we asked him to ) , he had to be sedated for it . This meant he could have no food or drink that morning and we heard more than a few times , " I 'm hungry ! " Based on what they saw in the ultrasound , they would then decide if he needed an MRI , too . Luckily , they decided the MRI wasn 't necessary . When it was time for the ultrasound , Kiefer was given a little something to relax him . The nurse handed me a syringe with a little liquid in it and sugar on the tip because the liquid apparently doesn 't taste great . I let him take a taste of the sugar and then when he went for a second taste I squirted the stuff in his mouth . He spit a little out and said , " That doesn 't taste good ! " and " It 's yucky . " He got a little drowsy and then the anesthesiologist was able to put a put a mask on his face to knock him out enough to do the IV to give him the other meds . They actually scented the gas like marshmallows . Pretty clever . It was hard to watch him go limp and I cried when we left him . We were called about an hour later to let us know that everything looked fine and we could come back for when he woke up . It took him a long time to wake up ! When he did , they said he could have a Popsicle or juice since he had to fast before the procedure . His eyes were barely open and he was mumbling , but when he was asked , " Do you want a Popsicle ? " he said very clearly , " Yes ! " and opened his eyes wider . Then the nurse asked if he wanted , red , orange or purple and he said loudly , " I want red ! " He ate the Popsicle right up . He tried to hold it himself , but I had to hold it for him because they put the iv in his right arm and he had tubes , an O2 monitor and a padded block to prevent him from bending his wrist and screwing up his iv . He asked for an orange and then a purple Popsicle , so he tried every color . He was woozy for a little while , and couldn 't walk unassisted , but after about 2 hours he seemed to be back to his normal self . We 're so happy to be home for a couple of days , although we 've had a lot of laundry , etc . to catch up on . We 're driving to Boston tomorrow afternoon and will be staying at the Yawkey Family Inn , which is family housing for hospital patients and only costs $ 30 a night . It 's a 10 minute walk to Children 's from the Yawkey . We decided it would be no fun to have to get up ridiculously early on Monday morning and drive 2 hours to Boston with a kid that is fasting and will definitely say he 's hungry and wants to eat . We have to be at the hospital at 6 : 30 am and they will probably do the surgery about an hour or hour and half later . I 'm still kind of scared because they will be cutting my baby and messing around with his heart , but the surgeon , Dr . Emani is fantastic and we know that he will take good care of Kiefer . We learned about Dr . Emani and what to expect and where to stay from , Erika , a woman in Western Mass whose daughter had the same surgery as Kiefer . It is a strange coincidence how we got in touch . One of my friends has a blog about children 's products and I check it weekly to see what she 's reviewing and enter some cool giveaways . One of the items she recently reviewed are tutu shirts for little girls . Since we know we 're having a girl , I 've been checking out girl clothes . . . it 's a whole new world for me . These tutus are very sweet and $ 10 from every tutu is donated to Children 's Hospital Boston . I checked out her site , Tutu Pour Mon Deux , and that 's when I learned that Erika 's daughter , Maeley , had had an aortic coarctation just like Kiefer and was operated on by the same surgeon . I sent an e - mail and quickly got a response from Erika , and she has helped us feel more at ease before heading to Children 's . Children 's has been great to us and it is amazing how they take care of children from all over the world . If you have a little girl in your life , consider ordering a tutu shirt . It will make the little girl happy and help other children at the same time ! Roel and I would like to say thanks so much to you , our family and friends , for the well wishes and prayers . We feel very lucky for the support and love . . . it has helped us be strong for Kiefer . We 're feeling confident that things will go well on Monday . We shall keep you all posted . These days , Kiefer often says , " I 'm not a baby . I 'm a big boy ! " He is very proud to wear his big boy underwear and not diapers because those are for babies . ( Note : He still wears a diaper at night . We 're not quite there yet . ) He can also get dressed on his own . He proudly exclaims , " I get dressed all by myself ! " Sometimes the shirt will be on backwards or the socks a bit twisted , but he 's getting it . There are a lot of things we 'll try to do for him and he 'll say , " I do it ! I do it ! " Roel and I are happy Kiefer 's able to do things on his own . It will make things a lot easier when his baby sister arrives . Kiefer is also a brave little boy . There was a time when he would scream at the doctor 's office , but now he doesn 't cry . . . even when he gets a shot . If he gets a scrape or a bump , a kiss will usually make it all better . Unfortunately , there are some things that kisses can 't make better . Our pediatrician detected a heart murmur and just to be on the safe side , she sent us to a pediatric cardiologist to get it checked out . She thought it was likely nothing . . . some kids have heart murmurs that go away as they get older . I had one when I was a baby . So off we went to the pediatric cardiologist 's in mid - January . They weighed him , checked his height and took his blood pressure . The nurse took his blood pressure on one arm the the other . She said , " Well , that can 't be right . It 's absurdly high . I 'm not even going to write that down . " Then she called in the other nurse to take it . She found that his blood pressure was high . The doctor listened to his heart for a while and then said that they would do an echo - cardiogram and an ultrasound of his heart . I said , " OK . When will that be ? " To my surprise , he responded , " Now . " I was sure we 'd have to come back . First they did the echo - cardiogram . The technician was great . She explained to Kiefer what she would be doing and asked him if he wasted to see the stickers they would be putting all over his chest . He was fascinated by it and didn 't so much as whimper when she hooked up the wires to the stickers . Then it was time for the ultrasound . It took a good 1 / 2 hour , but Kiefer was a trooper . He did ask a few times , " Almost done ? " but other than that , he was a patient little boy . The technician couldn 't believe how good he was and she gave him lots of stickers as a reward . The doctor came in shortly after the tests were done . He had sketched out a very detailed drawing of a heart and started explaining to me how a heart works . He kept going and going and I joked , " I hope there 's not going to be a test on this . " But I knew that he wouldn 't be going into detail if there weren 't something wrong . I told the doctor I was scared of what he was about to tell me . I started to cry , but I had to keep it together somewhat because Kiefer was in the room running around and playing . The doctor told me that Kiefer has an aortic coarctation , which means that his aorta is too narrow . That is what is causing the high blood pressure . He said that it would require surgery , but that it was a relatively common surgery with excellent results . He referred us to Children 's Hosptial in Boston . They will make an incision on his left back and go in between his ribs to make the repair . His surgery has been scheduled for March 15 and they tell us he will be in the hospital for 4 days . On the 11th , he will have pre - op tests , which I understand will be a repeat echo - cardiogram and ultrasound as well as an MRI . He will , of course , have to be sedated for the MRI because there is no way he could sit still long enough for that test . It is hard enough for adults ! Based on how the tests go , they may need us to return for more tests on the 12th . We 're hoping that 's not the case so we can just make it a day trip on the 11th and come home for a few days before we go back for the surgery . One of us can sleep in the room with him and we have booked a room at the hotel next to the hospital . We figure we will trade off nights and it will be nice to have a place nearby to decompress when we need to . It is very good that this was diagnosed and that it is repairable . We 're very thankful for that , but we 're looking forward to getting this corrected and put behind us . They say kids his age bounce back very quickly and he 'll be up and running in no time . This means he 'll be back to using the living room furniture for gymnastics , riding his tricycle around the neighborhood and playing soccer in the back yard . He can also return to being a smarty pants by saying , " Papa says yes ! " whenever I tell him not to do something . Spring seems to be right around the corner . The maple sugaring season has started so we went to the nearby Williams Sugar House in Deerfield yesterday for pancakes . Kiefer is a funny little boy . He didn 't want anything to do with the pancakes , but he did eat sausage ! On our way out , we got him a little cone of maple sugar , which he loved ! Who wouldn 't ? We 're thrilled ! I have to say that I was quite certain I was having a boy , so it is taking me a little time to adjust to thinking of this baby as a girl ! When I was pregnant with Kiefer , I couldn 't tell what was what on the ultrasounds , but now that I 've seen more , I knew what to look for . The tech looked " down there " several times and I thought . . . " Hmm . That doesn 't look like a boy ! " but she waited to tell us toward the end of the ultrasound . I immediately started to cry and asked her if she was sure and she said she was . Roel said , " I guess we get to go shopping ! " Roel is happy not only to have a little girl , but also not to have to a big debate about a boys name . . . we couldn 't agree ! I have had some awful morning sickness with this pregnancy . I know they say it is a good sign , but it isn 't fun . With Kiefer , I was sick from weeks 7 - 14 and I was only ever nauseous . . . I never threw up . At week 14 , it lifted and I felt instantly better . This time , the morning sickness started at 5 weeks and now , at almost 20 weeks , it isn 't entirely gone . And although I am not puking as much as I had been , I still get sick from time to time . In fact , I threw up the morning of the ultrasound . We had a quiet Christmas at home and a few weeks later we got a great present : Aunt Janice came to visit for a week from Arizona . Kiefer was so excited when Aunt Janice arrived . He ran from the window to the door yelling , " Aunt Janice is here ! Aunt Janice is here ! " We went to the Children 's Museum in Holyoke , Yankee Candle ( of course ) , the Eric Carle Museum and we even did a little sledding . Kiefer went down the hill once on the sled and loved it , but then decided he was a little too scared to do it again ! We got out a our puzzle map and Aunt Janice showed Kiefer where she lived . He can now pick out , Arizona , Massachusetts and Florida on the map . Kiefer knows that we have to get in the plane to see Aunt Janice and Uncle Geoff . The other day , on our way home from work / daycare , Kiefer said , " I go in that plane and see Aunt Janice . " I replied , " That 's a long trip ! " He said , " I watch Little Bear . " I think he must remember watching Little Bear on DVD on our way over to the Netherlands in September ! Wow ! |
In this dream , I was just observing . There was a blonde lady , and another lady that had brownish - reddish hair . The brown haired lady was trying to steal the other lady 's identity . Her plan to do this was to kill the blonde lady while her family wasn 't around , dispose of the body , then leave a note for the blonde 's husband & kid saying that she was leaving them . Then she would just leave that city and move somewhere else , and it 'd all work . So the brown haired lady snuck into the blonde 's house during the day . Her house had some pretty awesome carpet - bright colors and really plushy . And even though that sounds tacky and 90 's , it didn 't look that way , and came across as super fancy and nice . Also , the walls of the stairwell going up to the 2nd floor were purple . I liked it . So she snuck in through the front door , and was going to sneak around until she found the blonde lady and then kill her . However , the shower was running , so the brown - haired lady just went upstairs to the bathroom . Cue fight sequence ! Brown - haired lady had a knife , and blonde lady was in the shower , but brown - haired lady underestimated the blonde ! She knew kung - fu or something , and it turned into an epic shower / bathroom battle ! In this dream , everyone ( me , Jake , Keegan , Brent , Tyler , Lambert ) were all at Sydney 's for a beach trip . Or maybe just for a vacation . Or maybe there was some other reason to be there . But we were there , and were kind of just sitting around the house not doing much , when Sydney suddenly demanded that we go water tubing down the river . None of us were opposed or had better ideas , so we got ready to go do that . But before we could do it , we ABSOLUTELY HAD TO go to the grocery store and buy a plant . Like , I knew it was the grocery store in the dream , but it didn 't look like one . It looked more like if you took the outside plant area of Home Depot / Lowes and squished it all down into a much smaller area . Millie and Pinto ( or Girl - Bunny and Bunny as you may know them ) were in my dream , but they were dogs instead of bunnies . Millie was one of those big really fluffy dogs , had similar coloring to what she really has , but there was more red . She was also more outgoing in the dream than she usually is . Pinto was like a yellow lab or some other dog that is smaller and has shorter fur . He was just following me and Millie around . Anyway , there was a white tiger in my backyard . He just lived there , and typically was well behaved and didn 't usually try to eat people or animals , just the food he was given . But one day , he was trying to escape to go eat the neighbors , and so I had to coax him back into the backyard and into a shed . However , the dog - bunnies were not very good at sitting still and were very excited about the tiger misbehaving . They were bouncing all around , and I was trying to talk them into just sitting still , and had to more or less drag them to the shed to get them out of the way since Millie wouldn 't listen to reason . ( In the dream , Millie could communicate with me using full sentences . Kind of like in some movie or book where there 's a spirit - dog type thing that has glowing eyes and acts as some other character 's conscience . I don 't remember what movie / book , but that was what it was like . ) So I finally got the dogs in the shed , but the tiger was still out in the side yard , watching neighbors . I started calling out to it to try and get it to chase me back into the backyard so I could lock it in until the vet came to make the tiger feel better and not want to eat humans . But then I got him in the backyard and realized that the dogs were in the shed that I needed to put the tiger in . So then I had to get the tiger to sit still while I convinced the dogs that they should really get in the fort where it was safer . After I got them in there , the tiger started heading toward me , but wouldn 't go in the shed and started chasing me , and then I woke up . I hope I didn 't get eaten . In this dream I was just an observer . Bambi and Thumper ( from the Disney movie ) were having a class . Animals could attend and learn how to be a rabbit . The lesson that they were teaching was how to thump properly . This one was so super awesome . I will not do it justice in this writeup , and for that , I sincerely apologize . I also have forgotten more than half of it , which disappoints me , because this was one of the coolest dreams I 've had in a while . Someone , I assume it was Jake ( because he is in my dreams so frequently , I just assume he 's the one showing me this awesome stuff ) was driving me in a beat up blue pickup to a surprise . There was a parking lot with room for maybe fifty cars , and many of the spots had utility trucks already parked in them . There was a cliff face on two sides of the parking lot , the building ran along the third side ( into the cliff ) , and then the fourth side was where the driveway and courtyard / front yard of the building was . There was a nice little fence around some of the grass with a flag pole and some flowers in old casks . The building was mostly corrugated aluminum . The surrounding area was farm land , so there were some cows hanging out . The next thing I remember from it , I 'm alone in a hallway that doesn 't have any doors . I 'm pretty sure I was ( yet again ) being chased by bad guys . So anyway , at the end of the hallway ( where it dead - ends ) , the floor is either super intricately tiled or painted in a circular pattern . I stood in the center of it , and then there was fog / smoke on the ground , and then suddenly I was outside at the base of the hill behind the building from earlier in the dream . It was rainy and muddy , and water was cascading down the hill . I started walking ( trudging really ) along the bottom of the hill to get to a part that didn 't have water pouring down it to walk back up . Then there 's some more not remembering - I have a vague recollection that I wasn 't the only person on the muddy hill . Somewhere along the way I lost both my shoes ( got stuck in mud ) , but I finally made it to the top of the hill and the front of the building by the entrance . It was no longer raining , and the reception guy was outside with a pitchfork waiting for me . He made some remark about getting ditched or lost or something , but in a joking manner . I kind of ignored him and just kept walking back toward the parking lot . So , I know that reading lots of text gets boring , so I am going to attempt something similar to what Allie ( of hyperbole and a half fame ) in the future . I 'm going to grab my drawing tablet when I go home next , and will attempt to draw nice looking drawings of what my dreams look like . They 're a lot better if you could see what they look like , because usually I get one or two very clear scenes stuck in my head , and if I could show everyone how colorful and detailed they are , then that would be awesome . But I 'm not an artist , so they 'll probably be pretty bad to start with . I had a dream that I was home for Christmas , but it was like two weeks before Christmas . My brother was home from school , but it was during finals week , so he really had no business being home . . . seeing as how he should be taking finals . So the first week of ' break ' , we kept telling him he should be studying for the finals , since he had them the next week , and he kept uncharacteristically telling us to not worry about it , that he didn 't need to study for them . The next week rolls around , and he 's just sitting on the carpet playing with legos all week . The rest of the family keeps asking him if he needs to go back to school to take his finals , or study , and he keeps brushing it off , all , oh , no , no , I don 't need to study , they aren 't till later in the week . Later in the week he 's still just playing with legos . Finally mom & dad are angry and think he 's failing all his classes and yell at him , and he 's all ' SURPRISE ! I TOOK THEM EARLY ! ' I had a dream that I had planned a get - together with a bunch of people . I had made a reservation at a nice restaurant for like twelve people , so it was kind of a big deal . I showed up to the restaurant a little early with someone ( maybe Ron ? or some other tall , skinny male friend from home ? ) to check and make sure that they had our table ready , since twelve people is a lot . The hostess took us to the table , which was in this really nice courtyard area , surrounded on all four sides by the building , wrought iron tables with burnt - red and gold - yellow colored umbrellas over them . It reminded me of Italy . We had two tables pushed together against one of the walls . Me and Ron ( just gonna assume it 's him , since that sort of makes sense ) sat down to wait for everyone else to show up , but no one else showed up . The rest of the restaurant got full - ish , and then it started raining , and no one else came . I was sad . : ( I had a dream ( got to think of a better way to start this ) where Jake and I had made plans to meet up with some people at an ice cream parlor . We got there earlier than the people we were supposed to meet , so we got some milkshakes and sat down at a booth . Because of how the place was structured , the people we were meeting didn 't see us when they came in and sat at the booth behind ours . We could hear what they were talking about , and heard them mention poisoning us . Apparently we knew something we shouldn 't know , and they needed to get rid of us . Jake and I looked at each other and silently agreed that we needed to get out of there without them noticing , and fast . We slowly crept out of our booth and made a dash for the other side of the restaurant . When we were halfway there , the people we were meeting ( who I have a vague feeling were Jake 's aunts ) started shooting at us , so we took off running . I assume we lost them , but I don 't remember the middle part where we got away , but I know this next part is part of the same dream . It picks up with me in the car with my dad and Kevin , and I 'm driving . I 'm ranting to them about what happened at the restaurant , so I 'm distracted , and run a red light . As I run it , I hear the woop - woop of the police car that is two cars back . I swear , and pull up on the sidewalk on the left side of the street ( one way street , two lanes , sidewalks on both sides , so only place to pull over is on the sidewalk so traffic can go around ) to wait for the cop to make it through the light . As I 'm waiting , I pull out my license and registration to get ready for the cop . When the light changes , the cop pulls up behind me , other cars honk angrily . The lady cop gets out of her car , and I roll down the window . Instead of coming up to the car , she starts climbing up the fire escape of the building I pulled up next to . I wait a few minutes for her to do whatever she 's doing ( messing with traffic cams ? ) , but she doesn 't come down for like ten minutes , so I just drive off . There was a lot of traffic , and I was still trying to escape / get away from the ladies from the ice cream parlor . I feel like the area I was driving through was India or something , because it kind of reminded me of Aladdin - the clotheslines going across the streets between buildings , they 're all kind of clay and steel , and things are colorful . But it 's the same city as the ice cream parlor was in , and I have no idea where Jake went . The drivers seat was on the left , just like in America ( not sure what side of the road they drive on in India , so maybe it 's not India , since I 've never been there ) . I was in a cafeteria , that sort of looked like the first floor of my house ( living room & dining room ) if my house was much bigger . I was there with some people who were supposed to be interviewing me . But the whole interview thing was weird . I signed in at the security hut ( kind of laid out like LM is in Syr . ) , and they told me to go to a particular building . What stuck out most about this building was that there were a ton of blinds in the windows , and that there were a ton of windows . I got there super early in the morning , like 5 am , so everything was dark outside except for the lights coming from the windows and the street lamps . I go in the building , and finally find my way to the room / office I 'm supposed to meet the manager in . That room is set up kind of auditorium style , with people sitting at desktops . The manager guy is walking through the rows , helping people with problems , so in that sense it felt more like a classroom . He finally gets to me and asks why I 'm late ( which I 'm not ) , and then hands me off to someone . I assume interviews happened , but the dream skipped that part and went straight to lunch where some of the people took me to the cafeteria . We get lunch and talk at one of those big round tables that seat like ten people . Then , in the dream it is the next day , and I have an interview with another company , and the two guys take me to lunch at the same cafeteria , but the food is much worse . The people I ate with the first day are also there at the same table , and I go ask them a question but realize I should probably ask that question of the two guys I 'm meeting with that day . So I do that . The food was pretty terrible . I had parents , but they were different than my real parents . The house was different too , although I was the same . The ' parents ' were fostering other kids , and ' mom ' was paranoid about something and decided that everyone had to pack everything up and that we were going to move the next day . I was like , ok , but I doubt we can get everything packed overnight . So I went upstairs to my room and opened my closet . Unlike other children , my closet was not full of clothes . It was full of books . Text books and reading for fun books and kid 's books . . . . all sorts . That meant that they wouldn 't pack up easily since they were different sizes , and after taking a half hour to pack one box up , I went back downstairs and was like , yeah , this isn 't going to happen . That 's all I remember of that dream . I was in a tiny powder blue four door car , like a Yaris or something . I was traveling somewhere with Belinda , James , Mike and someone else . I know there were five of us because Belinda and James were in the back seat , there was someone in the passenger 's seat , and I was driving , and then Mike showed up and we squished him in between the driver & passengers seats . We got to wherever we were going , and found a parking spot . It was one of those ones that are at the edge of a parking lot by the grass . The grass led to this really steep hill , and at the bottom of the hill was the building we were going to . After whatever it was that we were attending was over , James , Belinda and I went back to the car ( dunno what happened to Mike and the other person ) . But now we were more or less parked in . There were giant SUVs or Hummers or something on both sides , close enough that the doors could only open like three inches . Maybe four . The stupid tiny car didn 't have a back hatch we could crawl through , so our options were waiting , or magic . The dream chose magic , and somehow James got me and Belinda in the backseat , and then got in the front seat himself , calling the two of us idiots and acting all James - like . Then we drove away , but I feel like we were also possibly being chased by bad guys , because I have a vague recollection of zooming through the parking lot and taking a corner on two wheels , but that might have just been how James drives . Shit . I remembered this . I even took three snapshots of different parts of the dream in my head so I could remember the whole thing . Now I don 't . I was all proud of myself too , until I fell back asleep and had Dream 2 . And apparently Dream 2 made it so I forgot my snapshots of Dream 1 . Jake and I were moving out of our MD apartment , and going somewhere that was really far away . After we had been on the road for 20 minutes , I realized that we never took stuff off the walls ( photos , pictures , christmas lights ) , and started freaking out about it . For whatever reason , Jake and I were in the same car , and he was driving and decided that we had gone too far to turn back . Plus , we had turned the keys in , and no one would be there to give the keys back to us . I got upset about not being able to go back , and was sulking about losing my posters , etc . , when I realized that we could call Thomas ! He lived next door , and could get the keys back from management when they were back tomorrow . Then he could hold on to our stuff until we could pick it up ! Except management wouldn 't believe that he knew us and was trying to help , so they wouldn 't let us in . I woke up and was all " Dream us are stupid . " I wasn 't in the dream , just following people around in it . Since this was a couple weeks ago , I don 't remember much of it , but I was basically following some secret agent around as they were sneaking through this office that had like glass cubicles , so everyone could see through the walls . Then the secret agent ( don 't even remember if it was a boy or a girl ) had to pick a lock on a filing cabinet to get a briefcase out , but just as they got to the briefcase , someone started shooting and there was glass everywhere . For some reason , SWE decided that the regional conference should be in the fall , and national conference would be in May . That 's just stupid , because school is out in May , and so practically no collegiate members would go to it . Anyway , the current GT SWE exec board had decided that it was best to bring all 150 members to regional conference . I was talking to Sheree about it , and we were both all " STUPID STUPID STUPID . " But neither of us were an exec , and I was graduated , so our opinions didn 't matter for it . All gazillion people got to go , and somehow I ended up with them . We got to ' conference ' and everyone else was in awe of all the GT SWE people there . It was taking place in some sort of underground mining / oil rig kind of place . Cave walls with the metal catwalk / stairs that you see in those kind of places . Everyone that came had to put on blue jumpsuits , and then line up and follow the leader person through an exhibit on Caterpillar dump trucks . Had a dream where the power went out and I had to pet the bunnies . In a corner . . . . . Don 't remember a whole lot of this one . I was in a hospital , and was like an intern or nurse or something , and there was this other group of doctor people who were all trying to save this other doctor . Except they weren 't trying as hard as they should be ( blatantly ignoring the obvious thing he needed ) . I felt that it was necessary to save his life , so I snuck him the drug he needed . He started getting better , and one of the other doctors noticed his vitals going up , and went to tell the other doctors , and so I went in and was like " hey , you have to leave now , or they 're gonna kill you " and so I helped him hobble out of the hospital while the other guys were looking for guns . Then half the hospital exploded as we made it out . The latter bit of the dream is easier to remember . I was visiting France ( I 'm pretty sure ) , and had purchased this giant glass hurricane candle holder that had an iron base . So it was like 7 - 8 ft tall , about 18 " in diameter . I was carrying it over my shoulder and was in a crowded place . Kind of felt like it was a plaza outside of a train station . So anyway , I got off the train ( or at least was coming from that side of the plaza ) , and there were tons and tons of people around . I got to the far side , where there were stairs , and someone knocked into me and I almost fell , and some guy on the stairs noticed and grabbed my hurricane from me so I wouldn 't fall . For some reason , I was like stuck on the top step , and the guy 's kid was like , ooh , what 's this ? two steps below me . So then the kid tipped the hurricane over so he could look down the top ( it was wrapped in paper to help try and protect it ) . Then he started blowing in it , and because this is a dream , it expanded and popped , shattering at the bottom and working up to the top ( where the kid was still blowing into it ) . Glass was flying everywhere , and I was understandably pissed . This was a super old thing related to some extinct culture that was found at an archaeology dig ! Who did this kid think he was ! An asshole . That 's what . So then I was all , you owe me so many monies , and the dad was all , no we don 't . And meanwhile , people all around had glass shards in them . I actually had this last week , but got lazy about writing it up . This dream took place in my high school , during what appeared to be senior year . It started and I was at home , running slightly late for school . The doorbell rang , and it was this group of three adults who were supposed to follow me around for the day . The one in charge looked kind of like NPH . I said hi to them , and ran out to my car , expecting that if they 'd want to actually follow me around all day , that they were perfectly capable of doing so without me changing how I did things . Then they rushed off to get in their car , and I drove to school . They were pretty good at following till we got to school & parked , when I took off really fast to get to class . First class was a science ( I think bio ) class in the basement of the school . It was a typically boring class , and afterward , I stopped to talk to James in the hall for a bit . Somehow this made the people lose track of me . After we 'd been chatting a while , I checked my schedule ( apparently this was also the first day of class for the year or something ) , and found out that my next class was the 5th level math class that also happened to be on the 5th floor . So then I took off running to make it to class on time , and ran into NPH & his gang on the first floor , and was all , hey , gonna be late ! Then they followed me to my math class . This was supposed to be like some super hard complex math class , but all we were doing in the dream was drawing things . Things that everyone else was having trouble drawing , but I had this little plastic thing that made it easier for me to draw . . . . because the plastic thing was what we were supposed to be drawing , and I could just trace it . The people following me had to do it too , I guess one of the rules was that they had to participate in class as well as just follow me around . They weren 't as smart though , and couldn 't do it . I was somewhere , maybe some camp or something , and there was this old kind of creepy guy . There was a little bridge , like the kind you get to go over the storm water in your back yard garden , or the type they use for crossing over at boy scouts or girl scouts . It was sitting in front of a small pond , and on the other side was a little gazebo thing that was partially enclosed . There was some pretty dense bushes in the general area from the 2nd half of the pond back past the gazebo . There were little pumpkins scattered on the ground . At some point in the past couple of weeks , I had a dream that Pinto , a . k . a . Bunny had died , and I was so , so , so sad . And then I was all , " Oh no ! Girl Bunny ! [ a . k . a . Millie ] she must be so sad too ! " And then I went and cuddled with Girl Bunny and kept being sad about Bunny dying . : ( There was a bag of clothes that were ready to be donated to the Salvation Army that were sitting on a chair by the front door . On the back of the chair was one of my favorite jackets that I was going to wear . I went to the closet to look for a scarf to wear , and dad went and took the bag and the jacket and took it without me knowing . Then I had to find a different jacket to wear and follow dad to the GIANT Salvation Army store , where they had already put it on a rack . So then I had to dig through all the racks to try and find it . Dunno if I ever did though , because then it switched to the next dream . I was at a used bookstore with mom , and had a sudden need to find a very particular book . It was a book that I apparently already owned , but that I needed to buy again ( dunno , dreams are weird ) . Of course , I didn 't know the title , author , or what it was about , just a vague idea of what the cover looked like and that it was a hardcover book . I started climbing on tables and looking through every single bookshelf trying to find it . Unable to find it , we went home , where I went to my bookshelf and found it and pulled it out . It looked nothing like what I had been describing . Then we were in a car going somewhere , but I don 't know where , because then the next dream happened . I was in charge of this carwash with like two other people . At this carwash , kids would come to drop off the cars , and I was responsible for keeping track of what kid went with which car , and also entertaining the kids while their cars were being washed . Dunno where all the adults were . So I had this little book of different activities that we could do , and of course the kid ( who has a dog ) , wants to do some weird coin toss game , so I had to run around trying to find the coin toss things . I couldn 't find them , so I conferred with one of the people who was helping to run it , and she didn 't know where the stuff was . So I had to go back to the kid and explain that he couldn 't do that activity . Then he got sad , and sat on the ground , and his dog got kind of angry , and started gnawing on my hand . It wasn 't painful or anything , just kinda . . weird . Then I woke up . First dream : It was like I was actually in a minecraft world . I was in some tunnel / cave exploring and putting candles down and opening all the chests I found in there . Then all of a sudden I was like , ow , my stomach hurt . So I dug my way out of the left wall to the outside ( only one block to go through , and somehow I knew that ) . So I get out , and my sister is there . Yup , in the dream I had a sister . She was pretty awesome . And so I told her my stomach hurt , and she was like , " Oh ! Maybe you 're pregnant too ! " And I 'm just like " Um . . . what ? No . " And it turns out that she had unprotected sex with her boyfriend and two days later got an IUD and then missed her period and found out she was pregnant . And I was like , " Wait , don 't you have an IUD ? How are you preggers ? " But it was the sex before it got put in that made her pregnant , and in her own words : " I got grandfathered in ! " ( Because it happened before the IUD . ) Second dream : I was in someone 's house , maybe my mom 's house in the future , or some other relative 's imaginary house . They had like zero food , and I was hungry , so I went down to the basement to look for food down there . I found a box that had like two tins of tuna * , so I brought the box upstairs to make the tuna . Then I noticed that there was a book in the bottom of the box , so I took it out . It was a Disney book from the 40 's with glass and tissue paper pages . Like , there 'd be glass , and on either side would be tissue paper pages with the words and pictures on it . Because apparently , before books were made out of paper , they were made out of sheets of glass ( covers were like the covers on golden books ) . So then I get all excited about how I found this old book in perfect condition , when I notice there is a photograph in the bottom of the box also . It looks like it was taken at Christmas . It had my grandpa sitting in a chair , and then my uncle is on the floor . There is another person in the picture who was the same uncle , but that doesn 't make sense . My uncle is wearing pretty neat looking glasses ( titanium across the top , and then the rest are plastic . . . I know , that description is horrible , but they looked super cool in the dream ) , and the other guy who looks like he is also my uncle , but older and with a huge bushy grey beard , is wearing those giant hipster glasses . But since my uncle can 't be in the same photo twice , we 're just gonna assume the guy with the beard is a stranger . My friend and I are sitting off to the side , and she asks me about my brother 's best friend 's family and why they have so many kids . I tell her that the parents had seven kids , and then they had to adopt two more because those kids ' parents died in a car crash and the parents had been friends . Then I showed her the stuff I found in the tuna box , and she was kind of intrigued , but apparently was not as interested in a glass book from the 40 's as I was . Anyway , yesterday I had a dream . There was a huge gymnasium ( think high school gym ) that had those 3 ' x5 ' tables in rows across the whole width , with aisles on the ends . Each table had a desktop and a chair , so it was like a gym that turned into a computer lab , but with a 5 ' table for each computer . However , the tables were all laid out to form a maze , so if you wanted to get to a free computer , you 'd have to go past a million others since they weren 't just laid out in straight lines . Then , to make matters worse , whenever the computer repair guys had to work on a table , they 'd put ice on the floor in front of the table of the computer that needed work , so if there was a broke table in the way of you getting to a free computer , you 'd have to find another way around . And some of the tables were just empty with no computers . Brent and Sydney and I were all in the same class together , along with one of my friends from elementary school . The teacher made us all sit alphabetically , which I know because Brent was on the other side of the room and Sydney was one row over from me . But that doesn 't really matter to the dream , I just thought it was neat that my brain automatically alphabetized us . My elementary school friend was two rows over and back a bit , which also is about right . " I can 't even put real names to faces on your friends . What makes you think I know who Toastie is ? " She then walked off annoyed . I guess she didn 't want to go to place with us , where ever that was . Then I walk out of the classroom and Brent is waiting because we have the same class together next , and it 's downstairs . We then proceed to gangnam style * * down the stairs , holding on to the railing . Apparently this is the best way ever to go down stairs because everyone else is staring at us and we 're laughing our heads off . So I had an epically long dream last night . I don 't remember the very beginning , or like the last half , despite half - waking up periodically during it and reviewing it all to try & remember it all . So here 's what I do remember . Me and Jake were in my parent 's backyard , but had to run away for some reason , and ran through a forest . We were being chased I think , or maybe just exiled . But we ran so far , that we found a desert in the middle of the forest . There were people camping out and they had their own little society . By this point dream - us had to pee , but to get to the sand people 's toilet , you had to crawl through a teeny tunnel , then squeeze through a hole to get to the bathroom part . I was not up for the claustrophobia , so I think I just went and found a bush . Sorry sand people ! This lady is married and has two babies ( maybe three ) . Her family is trying to run and escape the bad guys - cops / govt . people / the bad guys in movies who want to silence people who know things they shouldn 't know . It starts off as they 're running and have the kids in a shopping cart , and they 're going through a neighborhood where another woman is getting groceries out of her car and has her double stroller sitting in the driveway . She calls my lady over and asks if she / I want to trade the shopping cart for the stroller , and swap some clothes as well ( hat / scarf / coat ) to help throw off the bad guys . My lady agrees , straps the kids in ( who are strangely silent the whole dream ) and continues running off with the kids . The husband is up ahead scouting to make sure they can get through the next area they 're running through . They enter this big barn - like structure ( looks like a barn , but acts more like Main St . in a small town ) . There are some of the bad guys with guns guarding stacks of hay on either side in the middle , but the husband thinks they can sneak past , especially since they traded the shopping cart for the stroller and have slightly changed their appearances . So they calmly walk through and don 't raise any suspicion . The other end of the barn thing opens into a grocery store . Now , for some reason , the grocery store is just crawling with bad guys . The aisles are also really skinny , with piles of boxed food sitting in front of the shelves . The husband is walking in front of the lady ( who has now traded the stroller for a grocery cart so they can also steal groceries ) . They get to the back left corner of the store ( going down the dairy aisle ) , and in that corner is the door to the stock room , and a giant pile of Sprite and another giant pile of breakfast cereal . There isn 't anyone around , so the husband decides to re - stack it all to block off the door to the stock room . He does that , and the lady takes the kids off toward the back right corner ( passing the meat counter ) , tossing groceries in the cart as she sees things she wants . The meat counter area kind of reminds me of the fight seen in the grocery store in Hot Fuzz , except no one is fighting , there 's just a TON of bad guys . The lady knows that if she can get past the bad guys in the meat counter area , then she can escape to freedom by going out the back right door that leads to a pedestrian highway kind of thing . The bad guys notice her when she 's almost there , and one of them shouts at the other ones and they start chasing her . Then the husband shows up and I assume starts trying to fight them off . I 'm pretty sure the family makes it out of the grocery store ok though , and all the bad guys are just stuck at the door looking out all , " Darn it ! We almost had them ! " But for some reason they can 't leave the grocery store . It 's like the grocery store was the last civilized place , and now that the family is outside the bad guys are giving them up for dead . Kind of like when the hyenas were chasing Simba away in Lion King . So I had a dream , where I was living in the old apartment in Atlanta , and a whole bunch of people were over visiting . Now , when I dream of real life places , they don 't look the same , but I know that they are . So my dream version of the Atlanta apartment complex ( which has previously featured a six story pool ) had a turf field , and everyone was running around having fun . Then someone said they had to go because they had homework to do , but whoever it was came with other people , and the driver didn 't know how to get back to their place . Like , they couldn 't find their way out of the parking garage , which for some reason resembled the one by the Georgia Dome . So the person with the homework started doing it there , but then the field turned into a giant swimming pool , and it was dark and there weren 't any lights . So someone got some cups and glow - sticks and made things that kinda worked like flashlights so that person could do the homework . Had a short dream last night . Jake and I were waiting in a line full of people dressed business casual . The guy behind us is talking to us , and then all of a sudden is all , " But guys can only own ONE BLUE BUTTON DOWN SHIRT ! You 're gonna get in trouble ! " Jake was wearing his one blue button down shirt . So he started laughing at the guy behind us so much he was rolling on the ground laughing . Then I woke up . Background : When I was in middle school and high school , I participated in a club called Science Olympiad . There were multiple events ( bottle rockets , build a tower out of balsa wood , know everything about fossils , etc . ) that tested students on their ability to build structures that met certain specifications and / or knowledge of a subject . I was super involved and received numerous medals at both the regional and state levels . So it was a pretty big part of my life , but I 've been out of high school for a while now , and don 't usually think about SciOly . Last night , I was in a team meeting - coaches , parents , other team members . During the meeting it was decided that the girls ( myself , Aline , I think Sheree , and I think the other person was Sydney ) were going to go use the miter saw to work on the bottle rocket , and that my dad would help us . So the five of us walked down the hall to the bathroom ( similar layout to my current apartment , but with an obviously larger bathroom ) where the miter saw was kept . Flash forward to Michael Kelso from That 70 's Show showing up as the kid who will be participating in the bottle rocket event at competition . He 's just as Kelso - esqe as he is on the show . But now it 's just me and him and I 'm trying ( unsuccessfully ) to teach him what he needs to know about the event . Apparently there is some weird aviator hat with built in goggles that we have to wear , but it 's got a zipper around the brim and I can 't figure it out , and then it 's too small for my head . While I 'm trying to figure it out , Kelso wanders off . As I 'm trying to get the hat on my head , there 's some alert siren going off and the bottle rocket people ( which now apparently includes me , although I don 't think I was signed up for it to start with ) have to report to this hovercraft thing that kind of looks like what they had in Sky Captain ( near the end when the scientists are escaping ) , so I run up to it and jump on . There are already four other people on it , laying down with their hands on their head , all under a sheet ( guess I 'm late ) . One of them is Kelso , and my mom is driving the hovercraft . There 's some lady with really curly hair ( maybe River from Dr . Who ? ) stationed at the hovercraft next to ours and she has somehow figured out those stupid goggle things with the zipper . Since I 've been having weird - ass dreams all summer , Jake finally told me that I should make a blog about them all . I thought this was a fantastic idea , since I 've had semi - vivid dreams my whole life . At one point I was writing them down , but that didn 't last long . Since one of the first things I do every day is get on the internet , a blog seems perfect . This way other people can benefit from the funny ones too ! So , my plan is to update this on days I have dreams . If it 's been a really long time and I haven 't had any , then I 'll update with an older dream that I still remember . Like the oldest one I can remember in which dinosaurs are terrorizing my house , and I have to escape to get help , or the one I had last week where Kate Middleton sent me on an adventure with Mongolians . |
1 . I wish I could buy that dictionary . But they say it is sold out . 2 . I wish there was a telephone here . 3 . I wish we lived in the same house . 4 . In the evening it started to rain heavily . I wished I had taken my umbrella ! " 5 . She must be waiting for us at the entrance of the Institute . 6 . He can 't have forgotten about our meeting . Something must have happened . He may have missed the bus . 7 . Can he have said that to you ? You must have misunderstood him ( evidently you did not understand him ) . 8 . If he is not here , he must be working at the library . 9 . She must have gone to the station to see her mother off . 10 . Evidently he did not follow his friends ' advice and went there alone . 11 . Evidently he told her nothing . 12 . Evidently nobody noticed her leave the room . 13 . Last winter I used to spend every evening at the library . 14 . She used to call on us every evening when she was in Moscow . 15 . Now that your parents are away , you 'll have to take care of your sister . 16 . Now that I have told you everything , it will be easier for us to decide what to do . Ex . XXI , p . 27 1 . Becky could not help bursting into tears when she learned that they had lost their way in the cave ( when they had got lost in the cave ) . " I wish I hadn 't come with you , Tom , " she said , crying . - " Pull yourself together , Becky ! They 'll soon find us . They must be looking for us already . " On the third day , when the children had lost all hope of getting out of the cave Tom saw daylight . Aunt Polly could not help feeling proud of Tom . It was he who had saved Becky . 2 . When Mrs . Pearce showed Eliza into his study Higgins could not help being surprised to see the flower girl with whom he had - talked the previous day . " What did she come for , I wonder ? Oh , she must have decided to take English lessons from me ! " The thought amazed him so much ( seemed so funny ) that he couldn 't help bursting into laughter . 3 . Pickering suggested that Higgins should teach Eliza to speak correct English . He even offered to pay all the expenses of her education . 4 . Mrs . Higgins could not help sympathizing ( could not but sympathize ) with Eliza when she learned what had happened in Higgins ' house . " Don 't cry , Eliza , " she said . " Pull yourself together . Remember , you used to rely only on yourself . Now that you can speak good English , you have every opportunity to become independent again and earn a better living . " 5 . Father Cardi shook hands with Arthur and began to ask him questions about his studies at the University . " I 'm sure you 'll live up to Montanelli 's recommendation , " said Cardi . " Now that he is away , we 'll see a lot cf each other . 1 hope we 'll make friends . Come next Friday . I 'll be waiting for you . " With . these words he dismissed Arthur . Revision , p . 31 1 . Molly had already been out of work for six months . She had lost all hope of finding anything suitable when she was offered the post of ( a ) teacher ( a post as - ( a ) teacher ) in a small village school . Molly accepted the offer without the slightest hesitation and the next day she went to the village . There was nobody to see her off at the station , so she got on the train at once and sashe had sent him a telegram . It would have saved her a lot of trouble . Now there was nothing she could do but go to the village school alone . 3 . Suddenly a young man came over to Molly and asked if he could help her in any way . Molly had no intention of getting into conversation with a stranger , but there was something so kind and sincere about him that she couldn 't help telling him about her troubles . The young man offered to drive Molly to Mr . Whiteside 's place . After some hesitation Molly agreed . 4 . As Molly approached Mr . Whiteside 's house , she grew more and more nervous . She was afraid of making a poor impression on him . For quite a while she stood in front of his door , but then pulled herself together and rang the bell . A tall elderly woman opened the door . It was Mrs . " Whiteside . She showed Molly into her husband 's study and introduced her . 5 . Mr . Whiteside rose to shake hands with Molly . " Sit down , please , " he said . Molly saw a bright watchful face and dark lively eyes . His voice sounded gentle . Mr . Whiteside saw that the girl was scared ( was Very frightened ) and he couldn 't help sympathizing with her . He wished he could cheer her up , but he did not know how to do it . " Miss Morgan , " he said at last , " tell me about yourself . " 6 . " Our family was very poor , " Molly began timidly . " We could hardly make both ends meet . When Mother died , we had no money at all . A rich lady offered me a living - in job in her house as a servant . I worked practically for nothing , just for a place to sleep and eat , but I was able to attend classes in the evening . I dreamed of becoming a teacher . Whatever job I did , I used to say to myself , ' One day I 'm going to be a teacher . ' " 7 . " It took me a long time to find a job after graduating from college . " Molly checked herself , looked at Mr . Whiteside and asked in a low voice , " You 'll take me on , won 't you ? " - " Certainly , Miss Morgan . We 'll take you on . And now go and have a rest . You must be tired . " Molly didn 't expect to be dismissed so soon . She got up irresolutely and went to the door . Ex . XV , p . 49 1 . H he had followed your advice ( taken your advice ) he would not have had an accident . 2 . When do you think of coming to Moscow ? If I knew it now , I would order tickets for the theatre for you in advance . 3 . If We had left the house five minutes earlier , we would have caught the ten - o ' clock train and would be now approaching Moscow . 4 . I 'm sure you know the rule . If you were not so careless , you would not have made this mistake in the translation . 5 . We would have spent the whole day out in the country last Sunday if the weather had not been so bad . 6 . If I had known you would come , I would have stayed at home . ( If I knew that you would come , I would stay at home . ) 7 . What would you have answered if he had asked you about it ( what would you answer if he asked you about it ) ? 8 . By seven o ' clock everybody had gathered in the hall and was waiting for the meeting to begin . 9 . I must have my tooth out . I 've been suffering from toothache for a week . 10 . The boy waited for a long time for somebody to open the door . 11 . Yesterday I had my TV set repaired . 12 . I do not expect them earlier than on Monday . 13 . Why not have your hair done ? When did you last have your hair cut ? 14 . Where can I have my suit cleaned ? 15 . The fence wants ( needs ) whitewashing . 16 . The dress wants ( needs ) washing . 17 . Your shoes want ( need ) polishing . 18 . Do you want this article translated ? Why not ask Ann to do it , she knows French very well . 19 . What prevented you from ccming to see us last night ? 20 . I am thinking of taking a trip down the Volga this year . 21 . The boys locked forward to running away to Jackson 's Island . They dreamed of being pirates . 22 . He insisted on leaving immediately . Ex . XXII , p . 53 1 . Kerni couldn 't help being surprised to hear the door bell . He did not expect anybody at such a late hour . He had just finished his work and wanted to go to bed . That day he had been working since morning . 2 . Quite by chance the Invisible Man found himself near Kemp 's house . He was hungry and was in great pain ( was 362 suffering ) from the wound he had got in the fight with the villagers of Iping ( with the people of Iping ) . 3 . Kemp was astonished to discover that the Invisible Man was in his house . 4 . " I intended to leave the place , " said Griffin , " but now that I have found you , I would ( should ) very much like to work together with you . . . I have brilliant plans , but I 'm absolutely broke . . . " 5 . Kemp understood that if he accepted Griffin 's proposal he would also have an opportunity to work at the problem of invisibility . . . 6 . Though Kemp was scared , he tried to keep his presence of mind . " How did you manage to become invisible ? " he asked in a quiet steady voice as if nothing had happened . 7 . " You are doubtless familiar with the works of Professor X . He made wonderful discoveries . But I went further , " the Invisible Man began , but checked himself . . . Kemp felt that Griffin was very agitated and could hardly control himself , but somehow he did not feel any sympathy for him . 8 . Kemp had no doubt that Griffin was telling him the truth , and yet all that he was saying seemed incredible . " If I had not met Griffin in my house , I would never have believed that there was an invisible man in the world , " he ' thought . 9 . " Now that you know my secret , you won 't refuse to work with me , " said Griffin . " Nothing will prevent us from making new discoveries . " 10 . Kemp suggested that Griffin should stay in his house for the night . The Invisible Man could not get to sleep for a long time that night . Revision ( Units One , Two ) , p . 57 1 . " I 'd like to have these documents typed . " - " All right , leave the documents with the secretary . " 2 . " Why is there a light in his room ? He can 't still be working . " - " He must have forgotten to switch it off when he was leaving . " 3 . I 've been looking for the house for a quarter of an hour already , but I can 't find it anywhere . She must have given me the wrong address . She can 't have done it ; on purpose . She must have done it by mistake . 4 . She can 't have gone home . She must be waiting for us somewhere in the Institute . If she had decided to leave , she would have left a message for me with the secretary . 5 . I must have my watch repaired . It stops now and then . 6 . Your skirt needs pressing . 7 . I must have my coat cleaned . 8 . He can 't have forgotten about the meeting . He may not have received your letter . 9 . " None of them rang us up yesterday . Can they have left Moscow ? " - " They can 't have le ; ft without saying good - bye to us . " 10 . I wish I were ( was ) in Leningrad now . 11 . How he wished he could drive a car ! 12 . He wished he had asked for her telephone number . If he had known it , he would have rung her up . 13 . He wished they would visit him . 14 . Can he have refused to go there ? 15 . This house must have been built at the beginning of the century . 16 . The weather was good and Nick suggested we walk to the station . 17 . I would be very grateful if Nick offered to drive me to the station , it is raining so hard . 18 . I have no doubt ( I don 't doubt ) that we 'll persuade him to stay with us for a few mare days . 19 . She tried to convince him that it was necessary to go there immediately . 20 . I 've serious doubts whether somebody can finish the work today . 21 . Victor had been under treatment for two months when at last he felt better . Ex . II , p . 57 1 . Mr . Butt was a fussy old man and a great bore . His friends tried to avoid him as he was in the habit of offering them his help ( in the habit of offering to help them ) which was not wanted ( which they never asked for ) . Some of them even tried to cure Mr . Butt of his bad habit , but all their efforts were in vain . " I 'd feel miserable if my friends refused my help , " Mr . Butt would repeat . 2 . Late one night I met Mr . Butt in the street . He was hurrying somewhere . He said he was going to a certain Mr . Jones , the son of an old friend of his . I tried to persuade Mr . Butt to put off his visit till the morning . " They 're sure to be asleep already . You 'd better leave it till the morning . " But Mr . Butt wouldn 't hear of it . " Fred and his wife moved to our town only this week . I 'm sure they have not made friends with anybody yet and are in need of help . . . I would have visited them yesterday if I had known they were here . . . " With these words he hurried away ( hurried " I wonder what the Joneses will think of such a late visitor . If I were them I wbuldn 't let in that fussy old fellow , " I said to myself . 363 3 . Fred and Betty had just gone to sleep when there was a loud knock at the ; door . Fred opened the door and was astonished to see Mr . Butt in the doorway . However , he could do nothing ( there was nothing he could do ) but invite him in . The room was in great disorder . The Joneses had had no ( had not yet had ) time to unpack all their things . Mr . Butt immediately offered them his help ( offered to help them ) . He said he would come again in the morning . No matter how hard the Joneses tried to persuade him not to do it , he wouldn 't listen ( the Joneses tried in vain to persuade him not to do so , but he wouldn 't listen ) . 4 . Mr . Butt came to their place every day for a month , and Betty was in despair . " I wish we had not come to this awful town ! " she exclaimed , over and over again . " If we had stayed at my parenls ' , we would never have met him . . . " There seemed no hope of getting rid of the old fusspot . One day driven to despair Betty suggested they move to another town or go back to her parents , but Fred did not agree . Suddenly an idea occurred to her . " Let 's try to persuade him to go for a holiday somewhere . " " That 's a brilliant idea ! " exclaimed Fred , brightening . " We 'll tell him that he does not look well and needs a good rest and medical treatment . We can even suggest a definite resort . . . " And he produced ( took out ) a map to find some remote comer . " And what if he refuses ? " 5 . For a long time Fred and Betty tried to convince Mr . Butt that he was in need of ( needed ) a good rest . At last he gave in . That was luck . Not a minute had passed before he said : " Look here , my friends . Although I am persuaded ( convinced ) that I really need a thorough rest , I can 't afford this luxury . . . " " But the luxury won 't cost you anything . We 're offering to pay all the expenses of your holiday . . . " Mr . Butt stared at them in amazement . He couldn 't utter a word . When he recovered he said : " Thank you very much , my dear friends . I 'll return healthy and strong , I 'll be helping you again . . . " Unit Three 1 . I 'd better go to the station without waiting for Victor . There are only fifteen minutes left before the train starts . 2 . You 'd better go to a dentist immediately ( see a dentist ) before you have complications . 3 . I don 't feel well today . I 'd rather stay at home . Go without me . 4 . He 'd better ring them up at once , otherwise ( or else ) it will be too late . 5 . " Do you mind my smoking here ? " - " You 'd better smoke in the corridor . " 6 . I 'd rather wait for the next bus . This one is overcrowded . 7 . I 'd better leave if you are going to speak to me like that . 8 . We 'd better not talk ( stop talking ) on this subject , otherwise we 'll quarrel . 9 . Professor Fox , head of the laboratory , was a famous physicist , a Nobel Prize winner . 10 . You 'd better ask Comrade Petrov about it . He was chairman of the commission which studied the problem . 11 . " Meet Doctor Larin , head of the delegation . " - " Glad to meet you . Meet my colleagues : this is Mr . Smith , chairman of the friendship society ; this is Mrs . Harper , secretary of the preparatory committee . " 12 . " Who do you think will be chairman of the meeting ? " - " I have no idea . I only know , that the report will be made by the dire : tor of our plant . " Ex . XIX , p . 75 1 . Martin could no longer read . He felt faint with fatigue . He turned off the light and fell into a heavy sleep . 2 . Tom and Huck hid behind the bushes and waited for the tavern door to open . At last the door opened and out came none other than Injun Joe . That was luck ! At last they had found out ( discovered ) where Joe had been hiding all the time ! 3 . What the boys saw in the old house surpassed their wildest expectations . It turned out that the treasure which they had been hunting for for a whole week lay right under their very nose . 4 . At last David reached the house of his aunt , Miss Betsy Trotwood , he felt faint with hunger and fatigue . 5 . Crane taught Katrina singing and he always received a warm welcome at Van Tassel 's house . 6 . Though Crane had a lot of rivals , he didn 't lose heart . Old Van Tassel was a kind man and easy to deal with . Crane thought he would have no difficulty in persuading the old m . an to marry his daughter to him . 7 . Crane had never 364 been a brave man . No wonder he fainted when he saw the headless horseman in front of him . When Crane came to , there was nobody around . " Can I have imagined all this ? " thought the unfortunate teacher . 8 . " I hope you 'll stay in London for some more time ? " asked Sir Robert . " It all depends , " Mrs . Cheveley answered . " I know I 'm not a welcome guest at your house , but I won 't leave until I persuade you to support my plan . " 9 . Lord Goring advised Sir Robert to make inquiries about Mrs . Cheveley . " We 've got to take every precaution to prevent Mrs . Cheveley from publishing the letter . " Revision ( Units One - Three ) , p . 79 1 . " We must be driving in the wrong direction . The places are not familiar to me . Can the driver have lost his way ? " - " I don 't think so . He must have taken another route which is not familiar to us . We 'd better ask him where he 's driving to . He may not have understood us . " 2 . Before Mrs . Clowes went to the new dentist , she made inquiries about his qualifications . On inquiry she decided that he was the very man she needed . 3 . Mr . Cowlishaw suggested filling the tooth . She insisted on having it out . Mr . Cowlishaw felt that she was a difficult person to deal with . 4 . Mr . Cowlishaw said he had had a lot of experience in taking out teeth , but Mrs . Clowes had grave doubts about it . However , she could do nothing but resume her seat in the chair and hope for the best . Mr . Cowlishaw told her to hold tight to the chair . Mrs . Clowes was scared . However , she pulled herself together . 5 . It was Mr . Cowlishaw who fainted from nervous excitement . It took him a long time to come to . Ex . HI , p . 80 HOW MR . PICKWICK LOST HIS WAY IN THE INN ' 1 . Sam showed ( conducted ) Mr . Pickwick to his room . " Here 's your room , sir . If you need something ( anything ) , call me , sir . " The room was warm and cosy . There was a bright fire ( a bright fire was burning ) in the grate . No doubt Mr . Pickwick would have spent a quiet night there if nothing , had happened . But this is what happened . In the inn Mr . Pickwick had met his old friends . They had had a wonderful time together , and Mr . Pickwick was in a good mood . On entering ( when he came to ) his room he discovered that he had left his watch downstairs , in the parlour , where he had spent such a pleasant evening . " I wish I were not so absent - minded , " he thought . For a moment he hesitated whether he should go downstairs at once cr wait till morning ( came ) . " I 'd better go immediately , " he decided . It was his favourite watch and he never parted with it . He liked to hear it tick by him . If Mr . Pickwick had known what he would have to go through he would not have gone to the parlour alone ; he would have called his servant . 2 . The thing was that the inn was famous for its long and gloomy passages . ' Anyone who came to stay at it had difficulty in finding his own room on the first day . Naturally Mr . Pickwick lost his way in the passages the moment he left his room . No matter how hard Mr . Pickwick tried to remember the way he had taken to get to his room after supper , his efforts were in vain ( Mr . Pickwick tried in vain to remember the way . . . ' ) . " I wish I had called Sam . If I had done so , it would have saved me a lot of trouble . " He was in panic . On top of that his candle went out and Mr . Pickwick found himself in complete darkness . 3 . Quite by chance he stumbled ( came ) upon the parlour . The watch lay where he had left it . His way back to his room was like a nightmare . In one of the passages he saw a door which was ajar . The door seemed familiar to him . He entered . Without doubt it was his room . He went over to the bed and began to undress . You can well imagine his horror when a minute laterI were not so absent - minded , " he said again . It did not even occur to him that he had got ( might have got ) into another person 's room ( into the wrong room ) . 4 . The woman pointed to the door and demanded that he should leave the room immediately . Mr . Pickwick understood nothing . " What does she mean ? Why does she insist that I should leave my own room ? " Then he said in a firm voice , " I won 't . I 'd rather ( I prefer to ) stay here ! " " What ! What did you say ? ! " she screamed with indignation . " I 'll call the landlord . " Only now did Mr . Pickwick understand that he had got into another person 's room . Mr . Pickwick apologized : " I hope that you will not tell anyone of what has happened . . . " - " It all depends . . . " said the woman , slamming the door in his face . 5 . There is no doubt that Mr . Pickwick would have wandered about the passages all night long ( the whole night ) if it had not been for Sam , who for some reason ( for no apparent reason ) had made up his mind to see what his master was doing . To his astonishment he saw Mr . Pickwick slowly creeping along a passage in the dark holding on to the wall . " What are you doing / sir ? " - " Oh , is that you , Sam ? Thank goodness , I have met you . I lost my way in these awful passages , " Mr . Pickwick took hold ( caught hold ) of Sam 's hand and did not let it go until they came to his room . The night 's adventure ( incident ) had such an effect upon Mr . Pickwick that the poor gentleman did not have a wink of sleep lhat night ( did not sleep a wink that night ) . Unit Four 1 . You needn 't have gone to the railway station . I would have booked the tickets by phone . 2 . I did not have to go to the railway station - my brother booked . the tickets by phone . 3 . You needn 't come tomorrow . Your request will be discussed on Wednesday . 4 . I didn 't have to explain anything to him . He knows this kind of work very well . 5 . You don 't have to wait till the doctor is back . He has left your prescription with me . Here it is . 6 . Is there any need to drive ( need we drive ) there ? The road there is not interesting . I should think it would be better to go by train . 7 . You needn 't worry , I am sure nothing serious has happened . 8 . I didn 't have to remind him of the meeting . He rang me up and asked where it was to be held . 9 . He doesn 't have to do everything himself . We would ( should ) be glad to help him . 10 . You needn 't have copied the text . I would have been happy to type it for you . 11 . I should suggest putting off the excursion till Sunday . 12 . " How old do you think he is ? " - " I would ( should ) say about forty . " 13 . Ask your friend to come over to us . He would help us with the translation and then we might ( could ) play chess . 14 . Yesterday I would have gone to the theatre . But today I 'm busy . 15 . I would have accepted their offer . I don 't understand why you refused . Ex . XI , p . 112 1 . Put the message ( the note ) on the table so that it can be seen at once ( they can see it at once ) . 2 . He closed the door so that nobody could ( should ) overhear them . 3 . The teacher repeated the rule so that everybody could get ( write , put ) it down . 4 . I went to my room so that I shouldn 't be disturbed while I studied . 5 . He said he would write to both of them so that neither ( of them ) should complain . 6 . He moved ( stepped ) aside so that everybody could see what was written on the blackboard . 7 . 1 refused every invitation so that I could meet him on Saturday . 8 . Let 's walk slower so that they can catch up with us . 9 . A young man came to , see you . He said he was a school - mate of yours . 10 . A friend of mine rang me up yesterday . He had just come back from his trip to Siberia . 11 . I was annoyed by that remark of hers . 12 . That boy of theirs has broken one of our windows again . 13 . In the centre of New York Jeff came face to face with an old enemy of his family . 14 . He repeated the conversation he had had with you word for word . 15 . For two years I worked side by side with him . Ex . XIV , p . 114 1 . Griffin had worked ( had been working ) at the problem of invisibility for no more than two years when he hit upon a solution . 2 . At first Mrs . Hall doubted . whether she should let the stranger in . But he said he would pay ki advance and 366 it settled the matter . 3 . The stranger must have decided to settle in Ipinp , because the next day he asked for his luggage to be sent to him at the inn . 4 . The stranger must have been out of touch with all his friends ( had not kept in touch with his friends ) as he never received any letters . 5 . Mrs . Hall got on Griffin 's nerves ( Griffin was annoyed with Mrs . Hall ) . She kept bothering him with silly questions . 6 . " Excuse me for bothering you , but the clock in your room needs repairing ( I must have the clock in your room repaired ) , " she said . - " I wish you would not disturb me while I am at work ( while I 'm working ) , " he said irritably . 7 . The newcomer 's strange behaviour began to get on Mrs . Hall 's nerves . The mere fact that she did not know his name disturbed her peace of mind ( worried her ) . She was always annoyed when somebody asked her about her newcomer 's name and occupation . " I 'll bet he is a criminal who is hiding from the police , " said Teddy Henfrey , the watchmaker . " If I were you I would get in touch with the police . " - " It 's none of your business , " Mrs . Hall cut him short . " I won 't have anybody saying bad things ( speaking badly ) about my lodger . " But Teddy Henfrey stuck to his opinion . 8 . A few weeks later Mrs . Hall wished she had not let him into her inn . " We 'll have to put up with him as long as he pays his bills , " Mr . Hall said . " We can 't afford to ignore su : h a rich visitor ( guest ) . " Mrs . Hall wished she could ask him to move to another inn , but she had no courage to do so . 9 . Legran settled on the island soon after he retired . I never lost touch with him and from time to time visited him on the island . I always received a hearty welcome . Legran used to take me round the island and talk in great detail about his discoveries In spite of the fact that he rarely came to New York , Legran kept in touch with events ( was in touch with everything ) in the city . 10 . Mr . Saintsbury held out a few pages to Charlie and said , " Here 's the part of Sammy . It is the most important part in the play . " Charlie 's heart sank1 . Thacker was well over fifty when an incident occurred which could have changed his whole life . One day a young man came to the consulate . He looked like a Spaniard . He stood still in the doorway for a minute or two as if considering something . " Good morning ! Come in , please , " Thacker said . " What can I do for you ? " - " I think you can help me , " the young man said . " My name is Dalton , Mr . Dalton , but you know it sounds funny to me to hear it . They simply call me the Kid . I 've just come from Texas . . . " 2 . After hearing Dalton 's story Thacker said : " Would you like a job ? " - " What kind of job ? " - " To make a fortune overnight and get away with it . . . " - " It sounds inviting , but I 'd like to hear the details . . . " 3 . " You could easily pass for Don Urique 's son . The boy disappeared many years ago , but the parents have never lost hope of finding him . You and Don Urique 's son are amazingly alike . You only need ( to have ) a tattoo on your left hand . . . Don Urique is very rich . You 'll steal the money from his safe and we 'll get out of here at once . How does the scheme strike you ? " - " It strikes me as somewhat risky ( dangerous ) . . . I 've had no experience in acting , but no doubt the plan is original . I 'll have a go . " - " It 's settled then , " Thacker said , brightening . 4 . " You must stick to our story , otherwise we 'll lose the game , " Thacker said and added with a smile , " I hope the local climate won 't disagree with you . . . Now about some details . When your tattoo heals up I 'll get in touch with Don Urique . The consulate , I suppose , is the most suitable place for the meeting , and you 'd better not go about the town so that no one should suspect anything . " 5 . Thacker hoped that the Kid would stick to his promise and would do his job , at the first opportunity . However , the days went by and the Kid did not appear . He sent for the young man several times , but in vain . The young man kept silent . 367 6 . One day he called on Tha : ker at the consulate . " You needn 't have sent for me so many times , " he said coldly . - " But we 'll lose our game if we don 't stick together , " Thacker said , and added mockingly , " Friends should stick together , shouldn 't they ? " The Kid stared at him in silence . " Well , let 's have the matter out ! " Thacker controlled himself with difficulty . " Have you changed your mind ? Or . . . are you going to say that the key to the safe sticks ? " - " Not at all , " said the _ Kid abruptly . " The thing is this , I can 't leave my ' mother ' childless again . She II die of grief . " - " Traitor ! " exclaimed Thacker , trembling with indignation . ' 1 won 't have that conduct from you . . . " - " And I won 't have you talking to me like this . I 'm the son of Don Urique and I 'll have nothing to do With you . . . " 7 . Thacker was struck dumb . The Kid 's impudence was beyond the limit . For a while hz stood staring at the young man in amazement . Nobody knows what would have happened if the voice of Donna Urique had not broken the silence . " Where are you , my dear son ? " - " Mr . Thacker , I advise you to keep your mouth shut . That will be much better for you than to be killed . . . by accident . " said the Kid , making for the door . Unit Six 1 . She should not remind him of his ( this ) mistake . It was so long ago . 2 . I 'm sorry you didn 't come to see him off . You should have put off everything . 3 . You should not have told him the news . He is very upset now . 4 . I 'm sorry , I ought not to have said that . 5 . She must be angry with me . I should not have spoken to her so sharply . 6 . I knocked several times before he let me in . " Why were you slow in opening the door ? " I asked . 7 . Our teacher happened to be passing at that moment . 8 . I happen to know the man . 9 . How did you happen to get lost ( to lose your way ) yesterday ? 10 . You seem to know everybody here . 11 . He seems to like his profession . 12 . John might have stayed at home and spent the evening with his wife , but he went to see his friends just the same . 13 . " You might offer me a chair . " - " Oh , I 'm so sorry . " 14 . You might have warned me beforehand . I would have come earlier . 15 . " They might have given me that watchman 's job . They gave it to someone else . " Ex . XII , p . 147 1 . " You must be very careful at work and not break the rules ( any rules ) , " the foreman said to Carrie . " If you are not quick enough , you may injure your fingers . " 2 . Day had broken but Carrie could not get to sleep ( could not sleep ) . She had a headache and she was shivering all over . The weather had been cold and wet all week long ( the whole week ) and she had no suitable clothes . No wonder she had caught a cold . " I 'd better stay at home . I 'm quite unable to go to work , " Carrie thought . " And what if I am sacked ( fired ) and have to hunt ( look ) for a job again ? " She shuddered at the thought . 3 . Carrie was a pretty girl , and always attracted attention . However , she could not afford to dress well , and she lacked good manners . 4 . One day she got acquainted with a young man . He was well dressed and made a deep impression on her . He promised to get in touch with her as soon as he was back from a business trip . 5 . Two weeks had passed and Carrie had had no message from him yet . " I wish I could see him soon , " thought Carrie . 6 . At last the welcome letter came . With trembling hands she opened the envelope . 7 . ' Drouet suggested that Carrie should leavs her sister and rent a room . He was ready to pay all the expenses until Carrie found suitable work . 8 . Carrie hesitated for a while , but then she accepted his help . 9 . Carrie lacked the courage to tell her sister that she was leaving her , and she wrote her a note . 10 . When Minnie read the note , she burst into tears . " I 'm to blame for what has happened . We ought to have treated her with more consideration . Poor Carrie ! " 11 . " You are not . to blame for anything ( it 's not your fault ) , " her husband said to her . " We did all we could for her " . 12 . After Avis had spoken to the lawyer and the witnesses who gave evidence at the trial she understood that Ernest was right . Jackson was in no way to blame and should 368 have got damages . He had lost the case as the company employed efficient lawyers who knew which side their bread was buttered on . 13 . Everhard had no doubt that Colonel Ingram was good at cross - examination , and that Jackson was unable to prove that right was on his side . 14 . He had bad luck . The bus broke down and he missed the last train . Revision I I 1 . At noon , more dead than alive , David reached the outskirts of Dover . He felt faint ( weak and faint ) with hunger and fatigue . No wonder , he had been walking to Dover a whole week . Before he started his search for his aunt ( started looking for his aunt ) , , Miss Betsy Trotwood , David decided to have a rest ( to rest a bit ) and wait till it grew cooler . As he sat in the shade of a large tree he thought of his future . " And what ( what shall 1 do ) if my aunt does not allow me to stay ( let me stay ) with her ? And what if she sends me back to Mr . Murdstone ? " This thought drove him to despair . 2 . When he came to the town he began to ask passers - by if they knew where Miss Betsy Trotwood lived , but everybody took him for a beggar and refused to talk to him . David had been wandering about the streets of the town for a long time when at last he came to a garden gate ( he stopped before a garden gate ) . A woman was working in the garden . On seeing David she cried : " Go away , boy ! I don 't want any beggars here ! " David did not move . He had a feeling that he had found the right person ( the very person ) who would be able to help him . " I 'm looking for Miss Betsy Trotwood , but nobody knows where she lives . . . I 've lost all hope of ever seeing her . . . " The woman stopped her work ( working ) and came up to David . " What do you want Miss Betsy for ? She does not like boys , " the woman said staring so hard at David that he felt ill at ease . " I 'm David Copperfield , I have run away from home , they have treated me so badly there , I . . . " and David burst into tears . What happened then surpassed all David 's expectations . He had hardly uttered these words when Miss Betsy Trotwood , for it was none other than her , gripped David by the collar and David felt himself being dragged somewhere . 3 . David must have fainted from nervous excitement for when he came to he found himself lying on a couch in a very light room . The next morning when David woke up it took him a long time to understand where he was . He sat up in bed and looked around . " Where am I ? Can you a job . We won 't go into details . " This letter explains everything . I can only say that if you don 't live up to my hopes I 'll lose my bet . " 4 . I was given a large envelope ( a large envelope was handed over to me ) and I had no time to recover from my amazement when the servant showed me to the front door , and I again found myself in the street . I was choking with indignation . " I won 't have anybody treating me like this ! What do they want from ( of ) me ? I don 't want to be mixed up in any affair ! If I had known that it would end like that I would never have gone there . . . I shouldn 't have taken the envelope either . . . 1 wonder what 's there in it . . . " III 1 . By one o ' clock Mrs . Hall 's visitor had rung the bell several times demanding breakfast . But Mrs . Hall did not pay any attention to his calls . She had made up her mind not to give him anything to eat until he had paid his bill . He had fallen behind again . 2 . " 1 wish I could get rid of him , " she said to her neighbour . His strange behaviour gets on my nerves . The other day I made inquiries about him , but nobody knows where he lived before he came to Iping . " 3 . At a quarter past one Mrs . Hall heard her new lodger 's bell again . Taking his bill she said : " I 'll go and speak to him ( have the matter out ) , I must settle the question once and for all . " " Excuse me , sir . Did you ring ? " - " Yes , I 'm hungry ( I 'm starving ) . I 've been waiting for breakfast all morning . You must have forgotten about me . " - " Not at all , I think you have forgotten that bills should be paid in time . I 'm very sorry that I gave you the best room in my inn . . . " The stranger quickly came over to her . " I won 't have you talking to me like . this . You don 't know who I am . . . I . . . I 'm a scientist . . . " 4 . But Mrs . Hall was not frightened this time . She said : " I have no doubt that you 're a brilliant scientist , but I need my money . I can 't afford to keep you for nothing , I 'll be ruined . I insist that you pay at once . Here is your bill , " Mrs . Hall held it out to him without looking at him . - " And here 's your mo5 . Whenever Brom was asked whether he knew what had happened to the teacher he would stick ( stuck ) to his story which was that he had seen the headless horseman carrying the poor teacher away . Nobody doubted the truth of the story as Crane was never after seen in the village . V 1 . " I 'll tell you how once we kidnapped Johnny , the son of a rich farmer in ' the hope of getting a big ransom for him . We had long been thinking of buying a small tavern , but we were short of money . We needed another thousand dollars . It was then that an idea of genius occurred to Bill . He suggested kidnapping a rich farmer 's son and demanding a big ransom for him . At first I welcomed the idea , but then . . . Oh , well , let me tell you everything in detail ( every little detail ) . 2 . We took Johnny to a cave in the mountains where we had prepared to hide him . But after less than an hour we realized what a silly thing we had done ( an hour had not passed before we realized . . . ) . Johnny was a regular devil . He scared us with terrible cries , played cruel jokes on us and did not give us a minute 's peace . The first night Johnny kept bothering us with silly questions . " How long have you lived in this cave ? Why are you staring at me , Bill ? What 's the matter with your eye , Sam ? Did you have an accident ? How did it happen ? Are there many snakes here ? Your cave needs ( wants ) whitewashing ! Are you taking treatment ( under treatment ) for some illness , Sam ? Why is your nose red ? Have you got a cold ? Do you want me to cure you of your running nose , Sam ? " And so on and so forth . Naturally neither Sam nor I slept a wink ( had a wink of sleep ) that night . 3 . In the morning I went to the village to make inquiries about Mr . Dorset and find out what was happening . To my surprise everything was quiet . Nothing disturbed the silence of the summer morning . The village seemed to be dozing in the sun . I saw neither the policeman nor Johnny 's parents running to and fro in search of their lost son . " They have not yet discovered that the boy has disappeared . I 'd better write Unit Seven Ex . I ( B ) , p . 177 1 . Jackson had no hope of getting another job . 2 . He had an unpleasant habit of interrupting people . 3 . She had no intention of inviting him to her birthday party . 4 . Mr . Cowlishaw ran the risk of ruining his career if he refused to do as Mrs . Clowes 371 wished . 5 . He is the right person for me . 6 . I am not familiar with the present state of affairs . 7 . His refusal to give evidence was the main reason for their quarrel . 8 . Avis grew up in a well - to - do family , she was an only child and , as she realized later , she knew nothing about life . 10 . Sasha was the only boy in our group . Ex . III ( B ) , p . 178 I 1 . The audience was carried away by the music . There was complete silence in the hall . Nobody dared to stir . 2 . He hated to upset her and gave in though he was convinced that she was wrong . 3 . He was given a month 's notice . 4 . The appearance of the Invisible Man in ping gave rise to a lot of rumours ( to a great deal of talk ) . 5 . I was given to understand that there was no hope of ( my ) getting the ( that ) job ( filling the ( that ) vacancy ) . 6 . He decided to do it at his own risk . 7 . He gave me to understand that he did not trust me . 8 . Don 't give way to despair , things are not so bad as they seem . 9 . There is no risk ( danger ) of ( your ) catching cold if you put on a warm coat . 10 . Crane had many rivals and he could not hope to win Kat - rina 's heart , but he wouldn 't . ( refused to ) give in . 11 . Mrs . Packletide flushed as if Miss Mebbin had caught her red - handed . 12 . Mrs . Packletide did not dare to give Miss Mebbin notice , but she made up her mind never to confide in her again . 13 . The expedition was caught in a heavy snowstorm and the geologists were forced to spend the night in a small hut on the bank of the river . 14 . Her book report left much to be desired . 15 . A book in a bright cover caught my eye . 16 . After the quarrel he was unable to look her in the fa : e . 17 . He dared not confide ( he didn 't dare to confide ) his secrets to anybody . 18 . On the face of it the consul 's plan looked absolutely safe and the Kid agreed . 19 . His mother went out to work ( left for work ) early in the morning and Johnny was left to himself the whole day . 20 . Eliza could no longer control herself and gave way to tears . 21 . Gregg made a favourable impression on Lautisse and the latter decided to take him into his confidence . II 1 . Loona Bimberton 's popularity grew more and more every day and it got on Mrs . Packletide 's nerves . However , she did not want anybody to think that she was jealous of Loona , therefore she made up her mind to give a luncheon - party in honour of her rival . 2 . She had already appointed a ( the ) date for the occasion , but haI UNCLE PODGER AT WORK Uncle Podger decided to put up the picture which had just been brought from the shop . His family tried to make him give up the idea ( to talk him out of doing this ) . " Look here , Podger , you run the risk of breaking your neck if you do it , our kitchen ladder is old , it may break . " But Uncle Podger would not listen . He was so carried away by the idea that there was no stopping him ( nobody could stop him ) . • " All right , do it at your own risk , we aren 't going to help you injure ( hurt ) yourself , " said Aunt Ann . She wished she could give him a piece of her mind , but she 372 controlled herself . He was a difficult person to deal with . He always had his ( own ) way . For a while Uncle Podger could not hammer in the nail ( drive in the nail ) , but he stuck to it and wouldn 't give in . Suddenly Aunt Ann gave a cry of alarm . The ladder gave way under Uncle Rodger 's weight and he would have fallen if Aunt Ann had not come to his rescue . II CLEAR PROFIT 1 . Mr . and Mrs . Gregg invited Lautisse , a famous artist , to spend a week - end in their home out of town . It so happened that just for fun Lautisse painted their garden fence white . At the time the Greggs little knew what would come of it . 2 . The next week an article appeared in one of the local newspapers stating that the famous French artist Lautisse had been staying at the Greggs ' . The news gave rise to a lot of talk ( caused a great deal of talk , caused a great sensation ) . It turned out ( appeared ) that Lautisse had never ( in his life ) used white paint ; besides , he had not been heard of for quite a time . Crowds of newspapermen and reporters besieged Mr . Gregg 's house . They took pictures of the fence , of the bucket , of the brush . They asked the Greggs all kinds of questions . Some of them demanded that the Greggs should immediately sell the fence . One of the reporters was quite unbearable . He hung about their house all day long and never left them in peace . Mrs . Gregg could not stand ( endure ) it any longer and gave way to tears . " How dare they interfere in our life ! " she exclaimed . Mr . Gregg was also furious . He wished he could give the reporter a piece of his mind , but he could not afford the luxury . " Look here , gentlemen , the work leaves much to be desired , anyone could have painted the fence like that , " Mr . Gregg repeated again and again . But the reporters wouldn 't give in . They kept saying that it was a real masterpiece . 3 . " Don 't give way to despair , " said Gerston , their neighbour , when the Greggs confided their trouble to him . " Have your fence exhibited at some art gallery . It 's not much of a risk , if you do it . " On the face of it the idea see1 . Before Erik began working at the University . he had changed many times from one job to another ( he had had many different jobs ) . 2 . Mr . Cowlishaw had not lived two days in the town before his first patient came to him . 3 . Gordon had had a talk with his father before Enid saw him . 4 . He had not talked for five minutes before I understood that he was very familiar with the problem . 5 . I think he got our telegram before he and his family started off for the coast . 6 . We had not gone two miles before the ruins of a castle appeared on the horizon . 7 . Before Mr . Drake went to the Thayers , he left a telegram with Irene , the secretary of his publishers . 8 . He rushed to the door ( only ) to discover that it was closed . 9 . The next day the children woke up to see that it was snowing . Ex . IV ( B ) , p . 195 I . " You 've get to draw the line somewhere . You can 't let her always - have her way . " 2 . Enid hoped that she would get used ( accustomed ) to the new place in the long run . 3 . Enid put up with many things in the family but she felt that her 373 patience was running out . She was annoyed to see Gordon running his father 's errands . Gordon was able to run the business himself , without his father 's help . 4 . Enid felt that things at home were becoming more and more complicated . She was constantly being accused of neglecting her duties . She could hardly control herself . 5 . She realized that as things stood then it would be useless to try to have her own way . 6 . That day she did not feel like working . 7 . She looked at herself in the mirror . She looked run - down . 8 . Enid went to the station alone . She hoped that her decisive step would bring Gordon to his senses . But her action made things worse . 9 . Mrs . Packletide went out of her way to gain popularity . 10 . It was only Miss Mebbin who knew the secret that lay behind Mrs . Packletide 's popularity and she made the most of her advantage . 11 . " He seems to be talking sense , " thought Professor Cunningham . 12 . It was just like Ernest not to hesitate to express his likes and dislikes . 13 . Her time was running out , and yet she had not told him the most important thing . 14 . The latest exhibition of modern painting drew big crowds ( a lot of people ) . 15 . Lionel was so agitated that at first he could not make out what was written in the note . 16 . There is nothing like a cup of hot strong tea when one feels tired . 17 . " Look here , gentlemen , " said Mr . Gregg . " What you suggest doesn 't make any sense . Who would want ( wish ) to see a plain wooden fence in an art gallery ? " 18 . Мог jumped up from his seat and made for the door . 19 . The Kid was in no hurry to keep ( carry out ) his promise and Thacker decided to have it out with him . " I 'd like to know where we stand , " said Thacker , looking the Kid up and down . " When are you going to keep your promise ? Why are you so slow in doing it ? " 20 . Now that Martin was quite well again , he worked from morning till night to make up for lost time . 21 . Alice stood by Jane in all her troubles . 22 . I saw her in the street now and then , but she never greeted me . 23 . He was startled at the news . Ex . II . Rip was a kind fellow , but he was very lazy . He never felt like working on his farm , though he would willingly help his neighbours . This couldn 't help but annoy his wife . " 1 must draw the line somewhere . He 's becoming unbearable , " she kept repeating to herself . 2 . Though Rip never argued with her , he felt his patience was running out . It annoyed him when she did not let him go his own way . 3 . " I wish I could go to the mountains and rest up there for a while ( time ) . I am certainly running the risk of being severely scolded , but I don ' tcare , " thought Rip . He was so carried away by the idea that he forgot all about his worries ( troubles ) for a while . He was looking forward to seeing his dream come true . 4 . That morning Rip woke up very early . The sun had not yet risen . Rip slipped out of the house , took his rifle , called his dog and started off ( set out ) . For about a mile the path ran through a rye - field , and then turned to the left up into the mountains . As the sun rose higher and higher , everything seemed to become alive . Rip enjoyed his freedom , trying to make the most of it . 5 . Rip was climbing up a slope when he heard somebody call ( calling ) him . He turned round and saw a strange little man with a keg of wine on his shoulders . He was making signs to Rip that he should stop and help him with his load . A cold shiver ran down Rip 's spine . " I shouldn 't have come up into the mountains alone . " He remembered one of the villagers telling him , " This year strange things have been happening in the mountains . If I were you I 'd never go up there alone . . . " Rip was terribly frightened . However , when he caught the strange man 's eye , his fear gave way to curiosity . Unit Nine 1 . He can 't have left without appointing a date for our meeting . 2 . He refused to accept the offer without explaining the reasons for his refusal . 3 . Not knowing how to explain everything to Grace , the young man decided net to resume the conversation . 4 . Mr . Cowlishaw sat in the armchair dozing over the pages of the Iccal newspaper . 5 . The boy ran out of the room , overturning a chair on his way ( in his flight , as he ran ) . 6 . Try to explain this to him without hurting his feelings . 7 . " It must be past midnight . There 's not a light in ine village , " said Tom . 8 . " There 's not a chance 374 of buying anything on credit in their shop , " said Mrs . Ridley . 9 . There 's not a word of truth in your story . 10 . I can 't believe that there was once a beautiful city here . There 's not a sign of life in the whole valley . Ex . IV ( B ) , p . 212 1 . Gazing out of the window she caught a glimpse of a stranger who on seeing her quickly disappeared among the bushes . 2 . For a long time Enid could not get accustomed to the Days ' way of life . 3 . Enid was groping ( groped ) for the right words to explain what had happened . 4 . Suddenly the light in the corridor went out and he had to grope for the door . 5 . " You look run down . Have you been working too hard ? " 6 . " You shouldn 't turn up your nose at your old friends , Eliza , " said Higgins . 7 . When he lived in the hostel he was accustomed to doing everything himself . 8 . Mr . Doolittle 's hair was turning grey , and he had to have it dyed in order not to lose his job . 9 . If Mr . Bartle had decided to stay with the Parkers for a few days , Robert would have had to share his room with his brother . 10 . Having finished reading the book she sat in silence for a while . The story had stirred her ; it reminded her of her childhood . 11 . Now that Marvel was the only possessor of the Invisible Man 's mysterious manuscripts he took every precaution to prevent anybody from learning where they were . 12 . Every day after making sure that ths doors were securely locked , Marvel would take out ( took out ) the books and read them . He usually sat up late ( would sit up late ) , trying to make out what was written there . He never shared his secret with anyone . 13 . Marvel dreamed of becoming invisible . The very thought of it took his breath away . 14 . When he reached the fourth floor , Mr . Clegg stopped to take ( get his ) breath . 15 . He was out of breath when he reached the top of the hill ( got to the top of . . . ) . 16 . Simon held his breath when he heard voices behind the partition . One of them was familiar . 17 . Be sure and call on us before you are ( set ) off ( start ) for the seaside . 18 . I could hardly recognize my mother , she had become very thin . She hadn 't ( didn 't have ) enough strength even to sit up in bed . 19 . Sit up straight ! 20 . The child was running a high temperature and mother sat up all night looking after it . 21 . You say she has left Moscow ? Do y1 . She was always ready to share my troubles and worries . 2 . The money was divided into two equal parts . 3 . He gladly shared his knowledge and experience with his comrades . 4 . May I share your table ? 5 . Divide the number by 5 . How much is it ? 6 . He shared his dinner with me . 7 . There was a glass partition in the room which divided it into two ( parts ) . 8 . Do you recognize me ? We shared a room last summer at the " Sadko " hotel . 9 . I don 't share your opinion on the matter . 10 . She had a feeling that he wanted very much to share his secret with her . p . 218 СОНЕТ 91 В . Шекспир Кто хвалится родством своим со знатью , Кто силой , кто блестящим галуном , Кто кошельком , кто пряжками на платье , Кто соколом , собакой , скакуном . Есть у людей различные пристрастья , Но каждому милей всего одно . А у меня особенное счастье , - В нем остальное все заключено . Твоя любовь , мой друг , дороже клада , Почетнее короны королей , Наряднее богатого наряда , Охоты соколиной веселей . Ты можешь все отнять , чем я владею , И в этот миг я сразу обеднею . ( Перевод С , Маршака ) 375 I 1 . Mrs . Packletide was annoyed to learn that she had hit the wrong animal . 2 . A few days later Louisa , her paid companion , said : " I was offered a country house today . It is small but very cozy . I 've been dreaming of ( longing to have ) such a house ( a house like that ) for a long time . But unfortunately I haven 't the money at the moment ( I 'm short of money , I 've run out of money ) . 3 . Airs . Packletide understood at once what Louisa was driving at ( took the hint at once ) . She knew very well that if she refused to give Miss Mebbin the necessary sum of money her paid companion would immediately give her away and everybody would laugh at her . " I 've got to draw the line somewhere . I should have parted with hsr long ago . But as things stand now I 'd better do as she asks me ( to ) . It will save me a lot of unpleasant minutes ( a lot of trouble ) in the future . But I shall not confide in her in future . " Thought after thought went rushing through her mind . 4 . Miss Mebbin looked as if she were enjoyingth ; scene ( seemed to be enjoying the scene ) . Shj understood that Mrs . Packletide had no alternative ( no way out ) . Miss Mebbin had learned quite a lot while travelling with Mrs . Packletide , she therefore knew how to deal with such people and was able to make the most of her position . II 1 . Old Day was never rude to Enid , but the way he treated her left much to be desired . He was annoyed to see that Enid wanted to have her own way ( he felt annoyed when she tried to go her own way ) . She was always given to understand that she must know her place . 2 . Very often Enid gave way to despair . She had nobody to share her trouble with . She was lonely . If Enid had not loved Gordon she might ( would ) have left the village long ago , but she never lost hope that Gordon would change his attitude towards her . 3 . Sometimes Enid thought of having it out with Gordon , but she was afraid that this would make things worse in the household . She wished Gordon would say , " Well , Enid , you can ( may ) have it your own way ! " But she understood that as things stoodFRAMTON ' S VISIT TO THE COUNTRY 1 . " I suggest you ( should ) go to the country and stay at Mrs . Sappleton 's for a while . They are a very nice family . I had a wonderful time there last summer , " Mrs . Nattel said to her younger brother , a very nervous young man . Framton agreed , though he did not at all feel like going to the country . 2 . It so happened that when he arrived , Mrs . Sappleton was busy in the kitchen and he was met ( welcomed ) by Vera , her niece , a very resolute young . person . Vera was 15 years old and she was fond of making up unusual stories which often scared her aunt 's acquaintances . 376 3 . Framton took to the girl at once , but when she started telling him about the tragic death of her aunt 's husband , and her younger brother and their spaniel , he was sorry that he had allowed himself to be talked into going to stay with the family . His anxiety gave way to horror when Vera came out with all the details of the tragic story ( went into details ) . 4 . " They went there at their own risk , " Vera continued . " You know , last summer it often rained and it was dangerous to go hunting in the local marshes here . No matter how hard my aunt tried to persuade them to give up the idea of going out shooting that day , they wouldn 't hear of it . They kept saying that they knew the way very well and there was no risk of getting stuck in the marshes . . . But . . . they did not come back . . . " Vera gave a heavy sigh . " If they had taken my aunt 's advice nothing of the kind would have happened . It is exactly a year today since the tragic event and my aunt still expects them to come back . . . " Vera was so carried away by her story that she did not see that Mr . Nuttel was on the point of fainting . 6 . Suddenly a dog began to bark in the garden and to his horror Framton caught a glimpse of two figures among the trees . At the same moment Mrs . Sappleton came into the room . " Good afternoon , Mr . Nuttel ! I 'm very glad to see you , " she said , cheerfully , holding out her hand . Then she glanced towards the window . " Well , that 's ' fine , dinner 's ready and our men are returning from their day 's shooting . " A cold shiver ran down Mr . Nuttel 's spine . He gave a startled cry and rushed out of the room . " What 's happened to him ? " exclaimed Mrs . Sappleton in astonishment . " Vera , what did you tell him ? He looked so scared . You 've got to draw the line , and stop telling hair - raising stories . Nothing good will come of it . People will stop coming to see us . . . Vera answered as if nothing had happened that it was not her fault . " Our spaniel must have frightened him . Mr . Nuttel told me that he was mortally afraid of dogs . . . " Unit Eleven I . The shooting party had taken their places and were impatiently waiting for the tiger to appear . 2 . The news of Mrs . Packletide 's shoot had spread far and wide and she was enjoying the attention of the press . 3 . Miss Mebbin had bought a pretty weekend cottage and was ( now ) inviting her friends to spend weekends with her . 4 . Enid had packed the suit - cases and was waiting for her husband to come home . 5 . Gordon had sold their house and now he and his wife were living with his parents . 6 . The young man came out of the book - store ( shop ) and stopped at the corner of the street . 7 . " You 'll have to hurry , unless you wish ( want ) to miss your train and spend the night at the station , " Pat said in a grim voice . 8 . " I warn you that you won 't get anything at my shop unless you pay cash , " said Mr . Day . 9 . He 's certain to come unless something unexpected happens . 10 . After the guests left ( had left ) Professor Cunningham told his daughter how he had come ( had happened ) to meet Ernest . 11 . After Avis had talked with Jackson , she went to his lawyer . 12 . He accepted the offer only after he had discussed ( discussing ) it with his father . 13 . He entered the institute shortly after he returned ( had returned ) from the front . Ex . Ill ( B ) , p . 238 1 . Mr . Higgins asked Mrs . Pearce to take charge of Eliza 's clothes . 2 . " You 're too quick to take offence , Enid , " said Gordon . 3 . None of Mrs . Packletide 's friends were taken in by her story . They knew her too well . 4 . Henry did not take his friends ' jokes too much to heart , and ( so ) they soon left him in peace . 5 . Thacker and the Kid soon came to an understanding ( it did not take Thacker and the Kid long toicome to an understanding ) . 6 . Mrs . Higgins must have taken to Eliza as she did her best to help her . 7 . I 'll be home all day ; come round if you have time . 8 . While the Colonel read ( was reading ) the document the girl made ( worked ) her way to the exit and disappeared . 9 . The medicine which Aunt Polly gave Tom worked wonders . 10 . Annie and her brother took to the wounded English pilot from the first day . 11 . Annie Dykers 's plan worked well - г - nobody doubted the existence of Spitfire Johnny . ; 12 . . " If . Spitfire Johnny were alive he would have attended the meeting , " said Ritten . 377 1 . After talking with ( to ) Harling , the correspondent went to Annie Dykers 's farm . 2 . After spending several days at the Thayers ' , Ben announced that he had to return to New York . 3 . On seeing his father , the young man turned to Grace and said , " Let 's go now . There 's not a breath of air in here . " 4 . Before going to bed John used to come to his parents ' room and tell ( told ) them how he had spent the day . 5 . After examining the boy from head to foot , Mr . Dick said , " He has run away from home , hasn 't he ? " 6 . On entering the room Ernest noticed that there were some people among the guests whom he had already met . 7 . After reading your letter through ( from beginning to end ) several times I saw that there was not a word ( wasn 't a single word ) of truth in it . 8 . Erik told Professor Fox how he had gone from town to town in search of a job ( looking for a job ) . Ex . XIII , p . 260 1 . The Marriage of Figaro caused a sensation in Prague . Everybody desired to meet Herr Mozart . Count Thun who prided himself on his musical taste , said to Wolfgang , " It is the most remarkable thing that has happened in Prague since I arrived here . " He welcomed the Mozarts warmly and gave them rooms in his palace . There was much space and comfort in their apartment and they wanted to rest and enjoy it , but their host had many plans for his honored guests . 2 . At the ball that evening Wolfgang was the centre of attention . Applause greeted his entrance . ' Many beautiful young \ vomen desired to dance with the celebrated composer . Everybody talked ] of nothing but Figaro . Nothing else was of interest . Count Thun introduced him to Signer Bondini , the impresario of the National Theatre of Prague who had produced Figaro . Bondini cried out , " There is no opera in the world like Figaro , Herr Mozart ! It has saved our theatre . And it was composed by a German , too . Fantastic ! " Wolfgang bowed . He was pleased , but a little amused by his words . 3 . Wherever Wolfgang went in Prague , people spoke only about Figaro . Nothing was performed , sung or whistled but tunes from his opera . He learned that Figaro had run through the winter without interruption , and had rescued the National Theatre from ruin . One day Wolfgang sat in a city park and listened to a blind harpist playingmel - odies from Figaro . When he gave the wandering harp player a gulden , he was told , " It is too much . The beggar won 't aprreciate your generosity . " But Wolfgang smiled bitterly to himself : he knew only too well what it meant to be underpaid . Figaro 's success had not brought him one kreutzer so far . p . 264 1 . The Pushkin Fine Arts Museum has extensive conbcts and exchange programmes with the largest museums in th . USA and Great Britain - the Metropolitan Museum of Art , the National Gallery , etc . 2 . Are you sure it is a Rembrandt ? - Yes , I am . It is not the original , but a copy . The original is in the Hermitage . 3 . Mozart 's opera Don Giovanni was staged ( performed ) for the first time at the National 378 Theatre of Prague . 4 . If you chance to come ( if you should come ) to Leningrad , you must certainly go to the Russian Museum . 5 . Where is this film showing ? - At the " Progress " , I believe . 6 . While Wolfgang put ( was putting ) down the overture , Constanze told him funny stories to keep him awake . 7 . Da Ponte was interested mainly in the plot , while ( whereas ) Mozart stressed the characters and their emotions . 8 . He didn 't say a word while the orchestra played ( was playing ) melodies from his new opera . 9 . While Auguste saarched ( was searching ) for an empty canvas , someone stole his box of paints . 10 . While the boy was washing ( washed ) his hands , his sister laid ( set ) the table . Ex . XIII , p . 273 THE MAN WITH A BROKEN NOSE Auguste , when he heard that there was soon to be an exhibition , decided to do a bust , or rather a head , and send it to the Salon . He did not have his own studio , he had no money for plaster and marble , he could not afford ( to hire ) a model , but the thought that he had an opportunity to take part in an exhibition fired his imagination ( fired him with enthusiasm ) . He was determined to overcome all difficulties . Auguste would have liked to do a handsome male head but the only person who agreed to sit for him in return for a bowl of soup and a glass of wine was Bibi , an old drunkard with a broken nose . At first Bibi struck Auguste as hideous and it was hard for him to concentrate . However , after Auguste had torn up dozens of sketches , his design ( idea ) began to take shape . And once he had the clay in his hands , there was no stopping ( him ) . Bibi 's ugliness didn 't seem to matter any more . Auguste worked ( laboured ) day and night ; he lost track of time . While he worked , nothing else existed . A week before the exhibition was to open , the head was not yet ready . Suddenly Bibi disappeared . Auguste was in despair . Now that there remained only some finishing touches to be done , he needed the model most . Auguste didn 't want to do the head from memory , he was afraid it would become false and sentimental . But there was no alternative and Auguste continued to work . Several days later Bibi appeared in the studio , but he was too drunk to sit ( pose ) . He blankly stared at Auguste , while the latter tried to sit him in a corner and prop Wm up by ( with ) an easel . To keep him awake , Auguste made some coffee . On gulping down . ( after swallowing ) two cups of the scorching liquid , Bibi revived and sat up on the chair . " This might ( may ) last only a few minutes , " Auguste thought . He saw ( knew ) that his doubts were right - he had failed to capture what he had found so striking about Bibi 's face . He destroyed everything but the chin , and began to model all over again . When the exhibition opened , Auguste was still doingI 1 . The Colonel first heard the story of Spitfire Johnny , an English pilot , when he was attending a . conference of Resistance leaders . 2 . The Colonel was not to be taken in by the incredible story about the exploits of the mysterious Spitfire Johnny . 3 " What you have told me comes to this : Spitfire Johnny fought against the enemy for a year was in charge of a Resistance group , but nobody can tell me what he looked like Why he must have been an invisible man ! " 4 . The Colonel was determined to solve the mystery of Spitfire Johnny . 5 . But the mystery did not prove easy to solve A month passed , and the Colonel 's efforts had still come to nothing . He only knew that Spitfire Johnny was listed among the missing . 6 . However , after the talk with Hading , a Resistance fighter , the Colonel took heart . His explanation of the mystery began to take shape . 7 . Now he had important facts at his disposal . There was only one link missing in . the story . 8 . Fired with the desire to get at the 379 truth at last , the Colonel started for the Dykers 's farm . 9 . Seeing the Colonel , Annie , and her brother stopped working and came over to greet him . 10 . While Annie was ' free and easy in her manner , her brother seemed to ba slightly put out by the stranger 's visit . The Colonel felt a certain guardedness in his attitude but he put it down to the boy 's youth . Jan was no more than sixteen or seventeen . 11 . A few minutes later they entered the farmhouse and Annie began to tell the Colonel the story of Spitfire Johnny while her brother sat in an armchair , silently observing the visitor . 12 . Th3 Colonel had guessed long before that Spitfire Johnny was an invention of Annie and her brother 's but he didn 't have the heart to interrupt the girl 's story . He couldn 't help but admire the courage of the young patriots . II 1 . The singers of the National Theatre in Prague were not so brilliant as thosa in Vienna , but Mozart had to put up with that . 2 . He made many changes in the arias to adjust the music to the voices of the singers . 3 . There were only a few hours left before the opera was to b : gin and the overture had not been copied yet . Bondini was furious : " We 'll have to ca icel th ; performance . All my efforts have come to nothing , " hz said . 4 . Wolfgang was very nervous before the performance . He always took a failure very much to heart . 5 . But the moment the orchestra began to play , Wolfgang forgot his fears . The unrehearsed overture went off well . 6 . Bondini was delighted with the success of Mozart 's new opera . " His music can work wonders ! " he said to his friends . III 1 . Fired with the desire to get into the Academy of Fine Arts , Auguste began regularly to attend classes at the Petite Ecole . 2 . Lecoq took to Auguste at once . He saw that the youth was talented ( had talent ) and was anxious to learn . 3 . Au - guste 's father was strongly against his passion for drawing . " You mustn 't take up art , " he said to his son . " Nothing will come of it . Come to your senses before it . s too late . 4 . One day the paints which Aufjuste had got wEx . VIII , p . 294 I 1 . Finally the three of them rose and made for Mr . Green 's house . Mr . Letts . Telt uncomfortable ( ill at ease ) . He doubted whether he should have fallen in with Mrs . Green 's scheme at all . " I wish I knew where I stood , " he thought . " I 'm so glad that my brother has been found , " said Betsy happily . " Now I have somebody to confide my troubles to . " - " Yes , " said Mrs . Green , with a sigh of relief , " now we have somebody who will always be a good friend ( a support ) to us . " She caught Mr . Letts 's eye and the latter said promptly : " Don 't worry , Mother . Now ' that I 've come back home , things will be different . I 'll always stand by you . It 's - a shame how Green has been treating you all these years ! " : 2 . Mr . Green gave Mr . Letls a cold welcome , but the latter did not seem to take offence ( to take it too much to heart , to be hurt by that ) . He did not even try to make a good impression on Mr . Green . 3 . Though Mr . Green doubted the truth of his wife 's story he was obliged to give ( had no choice but to give ) Mr . Letts the best room in the house . At supper Mr . Green asked him question after question , trying to confuse him : " How did you happen to get to our town ? What prevented you from coming home earlier ? What have you been doing all this time ? You didn 't write a single letter to your mother . ' Why didn 't ' you ? You can 't have forgotten the address . . . " Mrs . Gre ; n interrupted her husband : " He lost his memory ( his memory failed 380 him ) after he was shipwrecked . He has been having treatment ( under treatment ) all this time . Now he 's better . " But Mr . Green was not to be convinced like this . He felt there was something up . " I don 't believe a single word . . . He does not look as if he 'd been ill all those years . " Mr . Letts rose . He said he was very tired , he had not had a wink of sleep ( had not slept a wink ) for three nights , but he would gladly talk to his stepfather when he had had a good rest . 4 . The next morning Mr . Green said to Mr . Letts : " Why don 't you go somewhere else and hunt for a job ? There are a lot of unemployed in our town . " - " I 'd rather not go anywhere yet , " answered Mr . Letts . " As things stand now , I don 't want to leave my sister and my mother , I can 't neglect my duties towards them . " 5 . Mr . Green decided to make inquiries about the young man . A week later he got an answer . No wonder he flew into a rage when he learned the truth . " What a fool 1 am to be taken in by this improbable story ! " He rushed home to turn the imposter out , but it was too late . Mr . Letts had married Betsy that very day : II 1 . As you remember , Rip met a very strange little man in the mountains . For a while he stared at the strange man , unable to utter a word . " Who are you ? What do you want with me ? " he said at last . The little man seemed to pay no attention ( did not seem to pay the least attention ) to the questions . He told Rip to come up to him and take the keg of wine from him . Though Rip was no coward , he could not help trembling with fear . He could do nothing but obey the stranger ( had no choice but to obey the stranger ) . 2 . They had been walking for an hour and a half when they saw a group of strange little men playing ninepins . On seeing the keg of wine the strange little men at once stopped their game and ran towards Rip . A few minutes later all of them were sitting around the keg enjoying the wine , which appeared to be excellent . Rip also took some . Very soon , however , Rip felt sleepy . His head began to nod and he fell into a deep sleep . 3 . When Rip to catch the 9 o ' clock train . Fortunately Mother felt ( was ) much better by the time I arrived . Of course , she was glad to see me , but she didn 't want me to stay in the village for her sake . " They needn 't have sent you that telegram . They should not have worried ( troubled ) you , " she said . " And please don 't treat me as a sick person , I 'll soon get well again . " " I tried to convince her that my presence would do her a lot of good , but she insisted on my taking the next train back . " 3 . There was a silence in the room . By this time John had recovered from his astonishment . He sprang to his feet and said : " Oh , it 's fine you 've comebackso soon . . . Would you like a cup of coffee ? " But then John glanced at his watch . It showed a quarter to eight . " It can 't be as late as that ! I should have left the house at seven . The chaps must be waiting for me . . . " He reached for his hat and said , as if nothing had happened : " Sorry , but I must be off ( must be going ) . I 'm three quarters of an hour late already . They must have lost all hope of ever seeing me today . . . They must be wondering what has happened to me . . . I wouldn 't go if I hadn 't promised the chaps I 'd come . . . " He was groping for words , " One should keep one 's promises , shouldn 't one ? " 4 . Kate had never been cross with John and she had always forgiven him everything . But this time she felt her patience was running out . " I must make him draw the line somewhere , " she said to herself . " Why should he always have it his own way ? Tomorrow I 'll have it out with him . " 382 |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . • The Maldaran guard is coming and there is no way to stop that . • The Church of Bane ( or at least Malvena Vol ) is extremely disappointed in the Duchy 's lack of commitment to Bane and his church . • Some of the Duke 's counselors are " off " , Kyman is the worst of the bunch , just not acting like himself and more forgetful than usual . In order for Ama to make this trip , her double will step in on a semi - permanent basis . Also , just to be clear , her father suggested that she may have to stay away for a while . The Maldarans who have arrived recently are different than previous guards from that empire . Surprisingly , Lady Ivanov doesn 't want the Duchy to fall and has converted to worship of Bahamut . She might be able to help in getting Amalline out of the capitol . She also gave some information from her own sources in Maldar . With all that was happening , Cu decided the best way to deal with everything was to have him released from service ( forcibly ) . It would otherwise draw suspicion to have him leave while Ama 's double continued to act as her . Anyone who has ever met him knows that he would never leave her . Once a month father gets expensive , unidentified Maldaran shipments , delivered to an undisclosed recipient . He is working with Elizah Jacoby . This concerns me as they have hated one another for as long as I can remember . I suspect that this could be very bad indeed . I pointed out to father that I am gaining information that can be used later on to influence people and that my friendship with Ama can later be parleyed into influence if I need it . Besides , we both know he 'll eventually win this argument , since Lucef doesn 't want any part of the business . If one of us has to do it , I will , simply to protect him . Lucef is having a bit of a problem . He 's gotten some local girl with child . I suggested that a grandchild might be a distraction for Mother now that father has forced her to stop the charity work she loves so much . As I was leaving , father asked me something strange . He wants to know what Cu 's " price " is . I told him honestly that I think he doesn 't have one . From everything I 've learned about him , there is nothing he truly values aside from Amalline . I did say that if I come across anything useful I 'll share the information . Father says that he has a " project " that Cu would be useful for . I 'm betting ( though I have no proof ) that the project might be delivering him to the arena under an exclusive contract with Tobias Crowe . I could be wrong too ; after all , there are many uses for a Goliath in this world . He worries about his other apprentices . Cadwallis has learned all he can and has little talent for magic . Lucef shows a facility with Divination , though he uses it for his own purposes most of the time . He also has an unusual interest in Glyph and his background . He has a mental block when it comes to conjuration . Having gotten one of the local girls with child has not been good for his studies . Before we left , I saw Lucef . He has not one girl with child by him , but three . He asked me for some herbs to take care of his problems . If this works , I will have a bit of leverage over the future Duchess , which could be of use later on , if used carefully . I wonder if I am truly helping Lucef by fixing his problems like this , but he is my baby brother and he needs me . Any sister would do the same and Lucef is just a boy still . He will grow out of this irresponsible phase . It seems that both Robert and Edward fell in love with the same woman , who happened to be the Duchess . Both men were married as well . Robert realized that love her as he did , they would never be more than friends and he accepted this . Before we left , Ama told Glyph to check ( at Robert 's request ) for a gift from her grandmother in the kitchens . It turned out to be a withered human hand on a chain . He seemed happy to get it though . The others were taken to the Warden 's quarters while Nara had a word with me . She promoted me to stand on the council , which was shocking to me . I 've not been a full Druid for very long at all . There have been problems though , most of the council members have either disappeared or gone mad . Some have been killed . In the Warden 's quarters , I found the others just as a servant brought in mugs of spring water . The water here is usually pure and clear , but I sensed the taint in it … the faint smell of pitch , the corruption of the blood of the Night Dragon . To have the corruption here , in the grove might be disastrous . Once he was satisfied that I was free of the taint , he let go of my hand and told me what he knew of what was going on . He returned from a visit to Father Oak a week ago to find the grove changed . The corruption in the water was obvious to him , but everyone here had changed and seemed not to notice it . He doesn 't know how the water came to be tainted . Amalline and I went back to the others to tell them what had happened . I gave the staff to Cu , wrapped in some cloth . On his back it is just another weapon , in my hand , it is a target until we leave this grove . While we were gone , the others searched the Warden 's quarters . The warden who was supposedly gone to his superiors is very likely dead , since all his belongings are here . More disturbing were other things they found . An Uthnal headsman 's axe stood in a weapon stand with some other reaver 's weapons . The headsman 's axe is a weapon of obsidian steel that leaves slivers in any wound it makes . The slivers travel through the body to the heart , killing anyone not fortunate enough to die immediately from their wounds . On the way , I asked the false Nara why she wanted to kill Aldain . She told us that if she was given a promise of safety and some water , she 'd tell us what she knew . We gave her water and promised her fair treatment . She said that she loves war , glories in it really . Then , she said that what is happening has been set in motion and it is too late to stop it . She works for the Brotherhood of Shadows ( not related to the Queen of Shadows , she says ) and the Knight in Bronze . Back at the Palace , the Duke wanted to see Aldain . We also found out that Fish Breath escaped while we were gone . And , to make matters even worse , Wizard Kyman was still missing . We told the Duke about the puppet master , putting the cap on his perfect day . Glyph was tasked with finding a way to detect a puppet master . He also suggested that it would be a good idea to find Robillard . Lady Anyalka is not going to give up . Ama is not to be seen in public until her guards arrive from Maldar . There is no way to stop them from coming and taking over Amalline 's security arrangements . Count Aldain realized that he and his men had been misled , he 's nearly certain ( though not completely ) that Amalline is not the evil mastermind he was led to believe she is . He also said that there are probably some creatures called changelings behind some of this . They perfectly imitated Nara and probably have someone in their council . So , last night , Kara escaped from the dungeon . She simply disappeared in the night . To make matters worse , Malvena Vol knows of her existence and is kind of miffed that the child of Bane was not turned over to her a long time ago . She wants her now . So , our discussion was interesting . Kyman thinks that the contract was fulfilled though Kara and that is why she 's disappeared . If the spirits found her , they either took her or she made an agreement with them . We mentioned the Knight in Bronze and the Lady in Silver . No one seems to think they were connected , but Kyman reacted oddly to the mention of the lady . I must find out more about this . Kyman knew more about puppet masters as well . He thought that they were extinct . They share a hive - mind , all working together but with only a rudimentary intelligence . The mad emperor of Maldar is said to have been controlled by an insane puppet master . Fish Breath 's cell was empty , the door still locked . We went in an looked around and Glyph noted that the stone was slightly melted and warped , probably by magical means . Below the stone was parched earth and bedrock . We followed the amazingly acute scent trail of Fish Breath ( he is so very stinky ) to a barred door that leads to the forbidden area of the dungeon . We went to rest , our day having been both long and confusing . On the way out , one of the guards told Cu that he had noticed some odd happenings and no one believed him . He has been hearing voices and seeing shadows that are not normal , along with the scent of flowers when no one is around . There are also small gaps in his memory . He does say that he wasn 't around when the " screaming woman " disappeared . She used to be interrogated at night , but she 's gone now . We assumed he meant Kara . My father proposed that I go with a shipment he is sending to Maldar so I could meet Baron Terwilliger who at 120 years old is seeking a new wife and is willing to overlook my eccentricities . I pled my duties to Amalline , but agreed that if there were a change to my situation I 'd reconsider . He was ready for the party and reminded me that I 'd promised mother I 'd be there . A voice in my head said " Child of Crowe , it is not your time yet . " It hurt a lot , but I didn 't heed the pain and as the creature began making a gesture of some sort , Tempest pulled the faux Ama down to the floor to protect her . The gesture the creature made caused an amber glow to flow from the Duke to the creature 's staff . I turned into a cat and leaped at the creature . When I came to , Tempest was isolated , since she was standing over the inert Duke at the time . The black figure was gone and the Duke was somewhere between life and death . Prester Crane awakened me and I told him my version of what happened and they released Tempest . That the place was in turmoil was an understatement . The Duke was stuck at the edge of death , neither alive nor dead , but perhaps headed toward undeath . The whole thing stunk of strong necromantic magic and was still pulling him toward the bad side of life and death . We went to rest , knowing that having our faculties about us would be necessary in the coming hours . Well , most of us slept , Glyph doesn 't sleep . Ever . Varin ( Amalline 's uncle ) came in while we were sleeping to wake Cu . Of course , we all got up . Malvena Vol 's contingent of Maldaran soldiers already arrived to protect Amalline . There will be no stopping this . The courier from the Council had also been ambushed , so the Queensglove would not arrive to give us extra time . We needed to get moving immediately . We entered the dungeons thorough Kyman 's secret entrance . The air was thick with the smell of rotted meat and bones were ankle deep on the floor . No one had bothered to tell us we were entering the lair of something that might eat us . While we discussed our options ( taking a rope across versus climbing down and back up the other side ) , Tempest saw something white fly past , fast . Cu noted a cave in the chasm below , on the other side . Maybe it would be a faster or less dangerous way through . I turned into a hawk and glided down to land in a stream ( though , I must admit that landing in the water was more accident than plan ) . It was still terrifying , but it was easier this time . The landing is still hard though . I don 't know how birds manage it . Afterward , we all went down into the chasm . Amalline even came with us this time . Glyph was fascinated by the cave mouth . There was something there drawing him to it , but he didn 't want to talk about it , he just said there was power there . The tunnel ended in a small , hidden temple to the Dwarven god Dumathoine . I 'm not much for religion , but Amalline told us he 's a somewhat paranoid god , all traps and misdirection . Fish Breath had been there , but he was gone . The corridor opened up to a circular chamber . In the center of the room , Fish Breath stood with a crossbow readied and aimed at us . He put it down when he saw that it was us . After opening the door , now unlocked , we paused to have a small discussion with Fish Breath about traps and who should go first . The good news was that there were no traps . Bad news : someone had been through recently . Fish Breath also made a point of telling us that we are hopeless and worthless except for Cu . His pronouncement made me angry . I am tired of everyone telling us we 're stupid and incompetent . Amalline asked if Fish Breath was his real name . No , he said his name was Keoh . Oh , and he decided that Amalline is OK too , but the rest of us are still worthless . We moved in cautiously , looking around . Part of the ceiling had collapsed sometime in the past , but it didn 't look to be a current danger . Some scratching and scuttling sounds were heard , but again , they didn 't seem to be a threat . When asked who had come through here before us , he was evasive and wanted to know what was in it for him . He did suggest that it might be better if the Duke was allowed to die , but Amalline didn 't want to hear it . He also said a strange thing before he left . As we stood there , shapes stepped out of the mist that hadn 't been there a second before . The mist was cold and the shapes turned out to be small creatures that looked like children 's dolls , but made of glass and bone . Oh , and not at all friendly , in fact , they managed to be both creepy and hostile . There were a lot of them , a group around me and one around Glyph . It didn 't look good when they knocked Glyph down right away . However , he 's not without his tricks and he turned into a cloud of glass or something and managed to fly through the crack between the double doors . I yelled for Ama and the others to keep moving . They didn 't seem to understand that the Duke was the priority here and we were on a time constraint . Instead , they broke the door down and helped . After the creatures ( Witherlings , Keoh called them ) were defeated , Cu found a tiny ampoule of blood on one of their corpses . They were a kind of automatons that were powered by the blood . Glyph said it was probably the blood of the necromancer that created them . Ick . The platform at the end of the room turned out to be a transportation system . It is a teleportation circle that leads to the Maldaran Imperial Palace . We decided to skip going there and moved on . She told us that she was saving us all . She wanted the Necrostone and to get it , the Duke must die , but , she assured us , he 's of very little importance in the greater scheme of things , you see it is the women of the line that have kept the duchy functioning for centuries . Sir Robert and Sir Edward have served the women , not the men . Another thing was odd . I think Cu can fly . He jumped the chasm without it even being close . We all thought he was dead , but no , he just flew over . Amalline told us of her strange dream . She finished seconds before Mistress Bloom came to fetch her away from the undesirables ( that would be all of us ) and prepare her for her big day . Tempest went with them to guard Ama . Mistress Bloom was not pleased . Glyph spent a long time fiddling around with rituals , he also muttered something about reading thoughts . . He seems to be trying some new technique that involves exhausting himself nearly to unconsciousness . I find it easier to simply use the correct components , but wizards are odd creatures and Glyph is even odder than most . I left him to his rituals and went to get some breakfast . On the way , I encountered a maid who was on her way to fetch me . Mr . Crowe , she said was here to see me . Cu went to the Duke 's practice yard . Finding the Duke busy sparring with his weapons master , Cu took the time to do some training with William ( Ama 's brother ) . While so engaged , Cu discovered that the Duke is very agitated over recent events and that something happened in the dungeons last night . He also mentioned that someone named Kupral may be coming to visit . Cu didn 't say why , but this is obviously disturbing to him , though I know not why . In asking , I found that Kupral was involved in the Arena in Maldar somehow , so maybe it is just that it is painful for him to recall that time . In their talk , it seems that the Duke had noticed that his daughter is headstrong and stubborn ( and isn 't the father always last to figure that out ) . Cu tried to convince him that he needs to give the girl her freedom and let her do what she must . He wasn 't convinced , but he trusts Cu to protect her , I think . Amalline meanwhile , was being bathed , perfumed and clothed as befits her station . Her schedule , she discovered , was completely full . Also , her stepmother wanted to see her as well as Timeon . She was anxious to speak with the Duke about the dream she 'd had as well . On the way , there was a strange incident though . I could have sworn I saw Ama moving down the hallway toward the chapel . By the time I got there , she was gone . Neither of the altar boys in the chapel had seen her , though one of them thought he 'd heard the door open and smelled Jasmine , but he saw no one . Strange . Glyph arrived at the formal dining room right after I did . He said that shadows have been gathering here , more than we even knew . Something dark is happening and we 're probably not going to like it . I 'm starting to understand Nara 's desire to stay in the grove all the time . Turns out he worked for someone he could not resist and could not name ( under threat of death as we soon found out ) . Glyph said he was under some kind of compulsion to not reveal the name . He said if he said the name of his benefactress ( he did say it was a woman , beautiful and smelling of Jasmine ) , his head would explode . When Glyph touched his mind ( and I have to remember he can do that ) , he found nothing , whatever Timeon was , is gone . The mysterious woman has been visiting him for a year or so , but he has seen her before from after with others . Seems she assumes the form that most pleases the person she is appearing to . For Timeon , this was Ama 's form . The name he called her by was Amalline . For her , he has been gathering samples of blood from all of his patients of rank and wealth by way of night leeches . This includes Ama and her family as well as nearly anyone of rank and / or importance in the palace . This could be a problem . As a side note , I 've never seen a head actually explode and it was much messier than I 'd ever thought it would be . A head is pretty small , but the whole room was covered in bloody bits with some teeny bits of gray stuff mixed in . I think it was his brain . The Duke made a huge fuss over Ama , but she was drenched in blood , so he probably did have a point , but after finding out that none of the blood was hers , he was a bit calmer . The difference in parents is amazing to me sometimes . My own sire would have simply asked if I had been hurt , I 'd have said no and he 'd have started in on me for how much money it would cost to clean everything and replace the gowns that were ruined . We talked also about the Lady in Silver . The Duke said she 's a myth from the time of the Night Dragon , nothing more . She was a figure who was said to have helped many people after the attack and then vanished . I told him about the Eladrin who was on the way . He wasn 't expecting an envoy , but did understand the importance of not having such a personage harmed on his lands . He suggested that we deal with this without his daughter . ( I still find it amusing that he thinks Ama would ever be content to sit aside while others do things . ) The worm was a puppet master , but they are supposed to be extinct . The worm finds an inconspicuous site on a body and burrows in , moving to the brain to gain complete control of the host 's body and mind . It is classified as an aberration . He wasn 't there . Lucef was scrubbing the floors again . I wonder if he ever gets any magical training or if he simply spends his life scrubbing the floor . He said that Kyman hadn 't been past since he left with Glyph . Glyph told us it was a Dreammaker , which would , when finished give the user a waking vision of some importance to them … if it was made correctly . Done wrong , it would cause some damage . I didn 't get a straight answer as to whether this damage would be permanent or passing . In any case , Glyph made sure this one wouldn 't work . Fish Breath was also brought to Cu . He drank a keg of the wine for the party and was on his way to the dungeon . Cu didn 't stop them , but told him that he 'd get him out later on . The ambush site was in a place we in the Council call the Spider Glade , since a particularly nasty family of spiders lives in some trees there . When we arrived , I was surprised to see Nara Blackstaff there . I bounded up to her ( I was in my usual lioness form ) and sat at her feet . She did not recognize me as she usually does and seemed frightened . I changed form and spoke with her . She was not herself , if she was even Nara . She was with a group of men , all Elves who were not Druids which was even stranger . She told us to leave that they would deal with this . We declined and then our time was up , the diplomatic party was on the way . Nara and her group were the ambush . We fought and killed Nara 's friends while she ran off to intercept the Eladrin . They were clearly ready for an ambush and caught her . They marched back to us and we introduced ourselves . We were preparing to go to ground someplace when Amalline was summoned to see her father . Tempest and I went along as we were the only ones around . Glyph and Cu were off waiting for their smelly dwarf to be delivered . So , off we went to see the Duke . First , he gave Tempest and me some rather stern looks . Whoever suggested we be part of Ama 's " team " , it clearly wasn 't him . In point of fact , it seems that he thinks we 're corrupting his innocent girl . I think he 's been talking to Ama 's Nanny too much . First off , Ama 's jewels are missing . They were the set she was to wear for the celebration of her birthday and belonged to her mother . She 's upset , but we 've no idea if this was a crime of opportunity or if the theft is somehow related to this whole mess . Then , he began a long , fatherly talk with Ama about how her job is to stay out of trouble and safe . Ama disagreed . The Duke has a vein in his forehead that pops out when he 's angry , I 'll have to remember that . The plan was that the old wizard and the old cleric ( who cannot be in the same room without arguing ) would use a ritual to do a warding on Ama 's chambers . Then , he and a group of guardsmen would stay there for the night and protect her . He thinks that would control all the variables . A few days later , he and Fish Breath loaded the wagon and left town . On the outskirts of the city , he looked at Fish Breath and told him to leave . He was not , according to Fish Breath really acting normal . The crown was made of silver and gold and looked like it might be worth a lot , but was probably not Robillard 's . Fish Breath also told them that the alchemist was worried that others might take his money and thus buried his valuables in a series of " catches " ( caches ) in the area . He even knew where the crown was buried and was eager to take the boys there . We ( the girls ) caught up to them on the High Bridge on the way out of town . When we joined them , Fish Breath immediately recognized Amalline . Seems Robillard is obsessed with her and had many images of her , including one of the risqué ( and may I add , anatomically unlikely ) statues they sell in the marketplace . As we walked toward the old barn that was our eventual destination , we realized that Fish Breath had latched on to Cu as a new best friend . Cu took it in stride . Glyph doesn 't seem to like or trust Fish Breath , but then , he is an odd one . Actually , both of them are odd , but in very different ways . The barn was old and rickety and filled with several inches of fairly fresh manure . Fish Breath led us through the manure to a sturdy door with a strong lock . It took us some digging to find it though . While Glyph and Cu began to work on getting through the door , I decided to check the loft . I 'll regret that for a long while since there was a creature up there and it attacked me . Still , I didn 't have all the fun , since another creature attacked the others below at about the same time . I lost consciousness , probably when my leg broke . When I was next aware , Fish Breath was standing over me , having done something to get me breathing again . I 'm going to try not to think too much of it , but he did kill the choker … with his teeth and fists . I thanked him and he carried me to the rest of the group who were looking for me . In the end , we all survived , though it was a close thing . The creatures were wrong , and did not belong here . When Amalline asked if any of us had ever seen such a thing , I told them that the tentacled thing was a choker and they are native to the Feywild . I told them I didn 't know what the Kenku was . While we were out , two servants attempted to kidnap Amalline . They were possibly Maldaran agents . In the end , it was probably good that Ama disobeyed and left the castle , but they won 't admit that . There is a way to get her out of the contract . She can be replaced with another of her blood . To me , it seemed like a good way to take care of the problem for now and buy some time for a more permanent solution , but Ama said no and the others acted as if someone had suggested they be sacrificed . The Duke suggested that Ama 's half sister could be sacrificed in her place . She was shocked to discover she has a half sister , but it would buy us some time . Again , she said no . The Prester asked me if I was ready to receive the blessings of Bahumut . I said yes , of course , and he healed my leg . It confuses me that people think that worshipping one god or goddess precludes revering another . My devotion is to Melora , because of who I am , but Bahumut has long been a comforting presence as well . Soon before William was conceived , healers told Ama 's parents that her mother was barren . The Duke took a mistress , since he needed to have a son to continue his line . Amalline 's mother left for a time over this , but returned later , once she discovered she was with child . The mistress was a minor noblewoman who died in childbirth . The child she left behind was strange with translucent skin and a death 's head birthmark on her arm . When she was born , she never cried , but opened her eyes and stared at the healer . By age three , she 'd memorized every book in her home . By age five , she 'd killed for the first time . By age six , she was insane , a creature of rage and magic , wild and raw and had to be confined in the dungeons , where she remains to this day . Ama awakened to an empty room with a shadowy figure standing by the door , as she watched the figure resolved into the ethereal image of a man . The man moved closer and introduced himself as Sir Robert . He is a ghost and came to her in her dreams to aid her in finding a solution to her current problem . It was he who awakened her the night the shadows came for her . She asked why he would choose to help her . His response was that he wants to be free and buried with his wife , Katherine , who has been dead many years . He wants his spirit to find rest with his beloved wife . Amalline being stubborn and of a one - track mind , kept asking until the poor spirit told her why he was laid to rest beneath the palace rather than with his wife . He was a man of politics , a Kingmaker , so to speak . He had advised the D ' Andervilles throughout his life and when he died , he was buried below the palace to allow him to keep giving advice . For 2 , 000 years he has given advice to the family and for all this time , the line has remained in power and unbroken . Once his remains are moved , he will no longer serve the master of this place and will go to his eternal reward , whatever that will be . What will happen to the D ' Andervilles after this is unknown and will be what they make of it . The Duchy may very well be lost , but if her father rules wisely , perhaps not . He knows , he told her , many secrets . One of these is that the shadows found her because some of her blood marks the door of her room and the door of the room she sleeps in this very night . The blood was placed there by Timeon the physician . He uses , the ghost informed her , night leeches to gain access to her blood for spells and rituals . Fitting in at the grove was much easier than it had ever been in my life . The rhythm of life here is easy for me . The people are much more like me than any I have ever encountered , though many of them seem to want to forget that there is a world beyond the calm of the grove . But , this is not really important to the story I have to tell . I had finished my training and become a full ( though junior ) member of the Council of Druids two months before the day I was called to meet with the Grand Druid , Talbot Ashcroft . Many find him difficult , but I find that if I am calm and don 't take offense , our infrequent interactions are mostly pleasant . I admire his determination to use our powers to make life better for the people of the realm . So , I left my gardening and went to the meeting place . When I arrived , Master Ashcroft was involved in one of his frequent debates with Mistress Nara Blackstaff . They argue frequently and it is not the kind of bickering of old friends , they truly do not agree on anything . Nara believes that we need to draw inward and stop " meddling " in the affairs of the outsiders . I understand her reasoning and staying safe in the grove is certainly pleasant , but if we never leave our groves , we will not have an understanding of the outside word . To lose this contact would be to blind us in ways that we can ill afford . But , this is a political struggle and it is not mine . Grand Druid Ashcroft spoke first , telling me that they had received a request from the Duke for a Council member to accompany Princess Amaline on a journey of some sort . I had been specifically asked for . No one knows exactly what kind of mission this will be , but I am going since there didn 't seem to be any saying " no " to this trip . It should be interesting , since I have not left the grove for more than a day since I arrived . Amaline I know well or I did several years ago . Then she was an idealistic young girl with a definite rebellious streak . It will be interesting to see what the years have done with her . Cu is her bodyguard and companion . He is fairly straightforward in terms of who and what he is . He is a Goliath and so remarkable since they are fair uncommon . He speaks little , but is a good man to have at one 's back in a fight , having been in the arenas of Maldar . Glyph of Andersgate will also be along . I have met him on occasion and have found him to be pleasant but odd . He makes me a bit uncomfortable , not by anything he has ever said or done , but simply because he is off in a way I cannot really explain . Lucef knows him well though , so I can ask him about it . Tempest is a warden . I know nothing of her and have never met her . She is , however , a warden and thus is likely to see every problem as a nail , requiring a hammer to fix it . Wardens , as a rule , lack subtlety , tending to adhere to the " if it 's dead it can 't hurt you " school of thought . Ah well , no use jumping to conclusions , perhaps she will be different . I think she trained with Jarda Stonewarden , so she should be competent at very least . My trip was uneventful and I rather enjoyed the journey . I ran through the wilder areas on my route as a mountain cat , walking as a human when using the roads . No use having an overzealous caravan guard thinking I 'm going to eat him , after all . The rabbits are quite fat this summer . Seeing Father was as I expected . We argued and finally came to an armed truce . Neither of us won the argument , but neither lost . If it becomes necessary I can act as his agent during my travels with Amaline , as long as it does not interfere with our mission or my duties to the circle . I think he respects that I don 't submit to him easily , though he 'd never admit it . Mother is as she has been since my baby sister died . She was happy to see me and we had a nice talk about her gardens . I brought her some new herbs and flowers for her garden and even helped with the planting . It seemed to calm her . She is so angry and hates my father with an intensity that is frightening to behold . I fear for her sanity . Tomorrow is likely to be an eventful day . I will go early to see Lucef and then meet with my new traveling companions . Oh , and I have to go to the gardens and see if Sir Nutkin is still about . I have a pocket full of nuts for him . First off , when I arrived in town in the morning , no one was about . I suspect that the ongoing preparations for her 18th birthday party kept Amaline occupied . I fed the squirrels in the gardens and went back to spend the day with my mother . On the road to Andersgate , I met Tempest , the Warden . The first thing she said , upon discovering I was of the Council was to question me as to why we ( the Druids ) are not doing more to help the people given the awful weather this summer . I explained that the Council is doing what we can , but we are few and can only do so much . As to the weather , it is unusually hot and there has been no rain for just over two months . Crops are withering in the fields and there seems to be no end in sight . The air constantly feels like there is a storm coming , but it never does . If the harvest is bad , Anderland will pay their tithe to Maldar , but afterward , there will not be enough left to sustain the people here . As we walked toward the palace , arguing , we passed the smithy . As we did , there was a huge thump and a huge man landed in the road before us , followed by a boy . In short order , we found that these were two of our new companions , Cu and Glyph . They had seen a shadow pass over the royal wing of the palace , a shadow in the shape of a raven . Later , Amaline told me what happened in her room . She awakened in the darkness of her room to a strange sound . As she looked around , a shadow appeared next to her bed , but when she got her candle lit , there was no sign of anyone , just a very cold spot on her bedcover where it had been . The room though , was cold and the candle soon began to dim as she felt a presence behind her . As she moved to flee , her escape was blocked by the door being frozen shut . The windows were in the same state . I had gone to the roof to try to get into Amaline 's room through the chimney . As a monkey climbing was easier , but to get back down to the battle in time to be of use , I tried a bird form . Flying isn 't as easy as you 'd think , even with wings and it is terrifying as well . The remains of the creatures were definitely unnatural and , according to Glyph , were necromantic in nature . They were either summoned or came of their own accord through a tear between our world and theirs . I 'm not sure which would be worse , frankly . When the guards and Amaline 's nanny arrived , I decided being a dog was a better option , fewer questions to answer . Nanny gave Amaline quite a talking to about " that stinking brute " ( Cu ) and the " unnatural one " ( Glyph ) . It was amusing since I 've been on the receiving end of many a nanny - delivered lecture myself . Glyph went to speak to Kyman Andoverage , his teacher while the rest of us went to Amaline 's room , so that she could dress . Sleep did not appear to be on the agenda any time soon . Amaline wanted to know what was going on . Just as Amaline finished dressing , there was a knock on the door . Cu was standing guard , but he let in the court physician , Dr . Timeon . He is a strange man , tentative and timid , seeming either uncertain of his expertise or as if he has something to hide . I 'm not sure which it is , I shall have to keep my eye on him . He wanted to leech Amaline . Seems she has a mind of her own and flatly refused . He also doesn 't seem to recognize what kind of girl Amaline is . He thought she was going to faint . Anyone can see that the girl is made of sterner stuff than that . If she 'd had a weapon in that room , I doubt we 'd have had to rescue her at all . Meanwhile , Glyph awakened Wizard Kyman and told him about all the excitement while he helped the old man dress . He was unfamiliar with the Queen of Shadows , but did suggest that Glyph test the residue he 'd collected against a sample of shadow powder in the alchemy lab . ( Tincture of Shadow , he just informed me . Now Glyph stop looking over my shoulder as I write , you can read it all later ! ) He also suggested that Glyph check Ama 's mirror as a possible gate . Then , he went to see the Duke , Ama 's father . Glyph came down to join the rest of us in Ama 's room and began look over the mirror , talking the whole time . Really , he reminds me of a hyperactive puppy sometimes , still , he seems trustworthy and like a good sort , if a bit overeager at times . The Duke is nervous about his daughter 's safety . I think that is putting it pretty mildly . We 're all worried . This is not going to be easy to resolve , I think and the first thing we need to do is figure out who wants Ama dead and why . We went to see Wizard Kyman at first light . On the way , I saw Lucef and licked his face ( I was a dog at the time ) . He started and then recognized me . I 'm not sure how , but he always knows me , no matter what form I 'm in . I turned to my usual form and talked to him about why he was scrubbing the floors . Seems he went drinking with some friends and managed to drink a keg of expensive ale which had been put aside for the birthday celebration . Thinking to hide what he 'd done , he tried a new spell to turn water into ale . Sadly , there was a problem and the water was turned to … . well , another , less pleasant kind of non - beverage water . So , he was scrubbing floors and hung over . I gave him some herbs to help his head and a pouch of candied ginger , since is it his favorite and it will settle his stomach . Then , I followed after the others who were already with the wizard . Kyman was able to tell us little about the Queen of Shadows , but suggested that the elven merchant Elizah Jacoby might know more . I know this man and he may indeed have the knowledge , but the price he 'd charge would likely be high , both in favors and gold . Plus , he is extremely unpleasant and , for lack of a better word , creepy . Prester Crane , the second suggestion is a bit easier to consider . The worst we really have to fear from him is a long and boring lecture about the state of our souls and how we really should come to services more often . Pedantic , but we can deal with that . Kyman also told us of another library in the palace . It is the Duke 's private library , where tomes of dangerous knowledge are kept . It is under lock and key at all times and we would need to ask the Duke for permission to enter . We decided to go to Prester Crane first . He 's a very old man and a bit of a curmudgeon these days . He gave the expected lecture , which we listened to politely . After that he was willing to answer our questions . Long ago , there was a Maldaran noblewoman . She was married to the Mad Emperor ( not the current one , the first one ) . She played a role in pushing the peasants to the Sanguine Terror . She was a beautiful woman , vain and obsessed with keeping her youth . She kept her looks and youth by bathing in blood , drawing power from it through various dark rituals . Her death is not recorded , nor is there any mention of her or her five daughters after the Emperor was drawn and quartered . It is possible that one of her daughters survived and married at some point into the royal line of Anderland . A contract of this sort , he explained would have to be over a bloodline . One cannot promise the soul of someone to whom there is no blood connection . Or it could all be a legend . But , if there is a contract , we need to discover the terms . Where there is a contract , my father always says , there is a loophole to be exploited . This is very important because it is not likely that whoever or whatever is after Amaline is going to stop until the contract is fulfilled or nullified . We discussed ways to keep Ama safe . Keeping Cu nearby is important , but we need to find a safe place . I think the warding of the Grove outside of town might be strong enough to keep the foul shadows out , but we must be there by nightfall if we 're to keep safe . After we 'd finished eating we left the kitchen and were discussing what to do next when we saw Glyph 's cat . Tempest tried to speak with it , but I think it 's strangeness interfered with her natural affinity with animals . I am a bit more used to the oddness of both Glyph and his pet , so I talked to him ( her ? , I swear it changes daily ) . What we learned was that Glyph was not in immediate danger , but was likely to get into trouble . The cat was on its way to get Wizard Kyman and didn 't know where he was . We sent the cat on its way and went to Robillard 's Alchemy Shop to fetch Glyph . When we arrived , we found Glyph fidgeting in the street . I think he was trying his level best not to enter the deserted establishment . The shop was dark , the door slightly ajar and the whole place nearly empty and in extreme disorder . The neighbors , Glyph said , had seen Robillard and his Dwarven assistant Fish - breath loading a large wagon in the dead of night with everything they owned . They were , the Gnome said , leaving town never to return . This was two days ago . Glyph told us he 'd sent the cat down the stairs to the cellar after seeing some furtive movement from that direction . The cat had come back , scared near to death . Something bad with yellow eyes was below as well as someone else . This was when Glyph had sent him for help . Downstairs , we got into a big fight with some strange blue - skinned goblin like creatures . I 'm not sure what they were , but there were also a lot of rats . On the wall was a cyst of some sort , a growth pod for some , now deceased , abomination . The drag marks were from the food for the newborn tentacled thing to feed upon . We saved the young woman who was supposed to be dinner ( or is it breakfast ? ) . Anna Dolma , a seamstress , was grabbed from the street and tied up in a bag . She seems fine now , but I think she 'll have bad dreams for a while . Now , the blue creatures had large , yellow eyes and seemed to be living down there , but they were nothing like anything we 'd seen before . When we closed on them in battle , they changed color , like chameleons , melting into the background . They smelled strange too , though their blood and flesh tasted surprisingly good . I 'm afraid I lost control at the end of the battle and ate more than I should have . In the cellar , we also found the remains of an old skeleton with a red sun device on the shoulder of his tattered garments . None of us had ever seen the symbol before . The tattered backpack near his body contained a few things as well , including a dagger Glyph took a liking to ( and it to him , as it drinking a bit of his blood indicated ) , a necklace of human ears that I took just to keep them guessing , and a message in a bottle . The message was from the man to his wife , Katherine that she might know his last thoughts were of her . It was very sad . Wherever she is , she probably never knew what became of her husband . Cu took the man 's skull to be properly and respectfully buried . While the others were poking around , I looked down a little corridor that had been dug off the main portion of the cellar . It felt dangerous and strange , then , suddenly I was somewhere else . I had a flashing impression of cold and a tree of a species I 'd never seen before . Even as I reached for a leaf to take as a sample , I was back , snow coating my hair and shoulders . On the floor , we found some old silver markings . A portal spell was inscribed there , but not correctly or well . The portal did not function again and the feeling of danger was gone , now the place felt comforting to me . We explained to the guards what had happened and when they seemed confused , I dragged one of the creatures up to them and sat , wagging my tail . They said that the creatures were seen before at the Boarding House in town . The situation was also similar , with the cyst and the bagged meal awaiting the birth of whatever that was . Sadly , the meal in the boarding house was consumed . • Recently Robillard had some good fortune . He paid his bar tab to Jackanapes , which was almost unheard of . • Someone else heard him arguing with someone with a Maldaran accent about a debt owed . • Robillard and Fish Breath loaded up and left and said they weren 't coming back . Fish Breath seemed unusually agitated . I was on my way back to the group when I saw a Constable standing at the door to the shop . I spoke to him and discovered that he was looking for Robillard . Fish Breath returned to town , broke into a bar , and got stinking drunk . He was down at the guard house , sleeping it off . We decided to bail him out and ask him some questions . Fish Breath is really a disgusting specimen , filthy and unkempt . Cu thought to ask the constables to have him bathed and clothed in something less objectionable than he was wearing and arranged to have him delivered to the Smithy . So , after he 'd told the old man about what happened at the alchemist shop ( and ave him the bad news that his supplies were not going to be available for a while ) he showed him his new dagger . The old wizard told him that the dagger is an Eladrin Ritual Blade and that these things are quite rare . It stores life force to speed rituals . He said it is a blood debt and her soul is the payment due . It probably comes from some entity in the Shadowfell and had to have been set up by a blood relation . Finding the terms of the contract may be our only hope of voiding it , but it will be difficult to manage . The group that came through Ama 's mirror was the search party . Now , Ama is marked as their target . Future groups will be able to locate her easily . At twilight , they will certainly come for her . |
I was at work , and went to do my daily browse of blogs , and suddenly , anything blogspot is blocked . So , this means I actually have to find time to browse the web on my own time ! What kind of world is it where I can 't get paid to browse the web for my own personal enjoyment ? Christmas is sort of like nearing the end of pregnancy . It is coming , whether I 'm ready or not . And I , most assuredly am not ! I ordered a couple of things and none of them are going to be here on time . We just moved to Chattanooga , and we are in an old , old neighborhood , I think it was established in 1870 or something . At any rate , the mail carrier will NOT deliver mail unless we put up a mailbox at the end of our two foot driveway . Since we are renting , we can 't really do this , so we got a PO box . That is good unless UPS is delivering , then you have to give them the physical address . Guess what ? One shipper decided to send USPS ( despite the fact that they said they were using UPS ) , so they won 't deliver to my physical address . There is a forwarding order , which means it will be weeks until I see this gift . Arrrgggghhh . Merry Christmas , and all that . In the grand scheme of things , it doesn 't really matter , I know . Husband is getting more okay with staying home with S . He is doing a great job with him , and I know it must be so hard to be isolated most of the time . S is apparently huge , being 15lbs and 26 inches at 4 months . The doctor seemed to think so , anyway . He is healthy , really starting to chug down the rice cereal , and is such a HAPPY boy . We cannot wait for Christmas ! We got an exersaucer last night , the real fun begins when we have to put it together . I wish so much that I owned a video camera so that I could 've taped the Assembly of the High Chair . There is always the obligatory " I 'm going to throw this thing out of the window " even though we both know that it won 't happen . My favorite part is afterwards , when he says " that wasn 't very hard ! " I 'm laughing now just thinking of it . We are really liking Chattanooga , it is a neat town . And IPosted by And so we embark on another adventure . . . We 're moving back to Chattanooga . The movers come Monday , I fly out with Munchkin on the 31st ( Happy Halloween ! ) . H is driving out with the dogs and the cat , bless his heart . I 'm going back to work for the same company I worked for before , but in a different department . I 'll be making as much money as I am here , plus the boost from having no state income tax . We found a beautiful , 100 year old house , and I can 't wait to move in . It is in sort of a dicey neighborhood , but every house on our street has been redone , so hopefully it won 't be too bad where we are . It is an incredible house , really my dream house . My last day here at work is Tues , the 30th . I 'm trying to get as much money as possible on my last paycheck . I hate moving so much , and we don 't really have much money , so it is kind of hard . But I think it will be worth it . It has already snowed here , and I say Bleeccchhhh ! Plus , I want the Munchkin to be closer to his grandparents - - they certainly make a fuss over him . Sam slept from 9 : 30 until 4 : 00 this morning , straight through . It scared me a little when I woke up , but he was fine . He drank down 5 oz of formula , snuggled for a little bit , then I laid him back down . When I left at 7 : 30 , he still hadn 't wakened . I think he is okay , just changing his schedule up a bit . It was wonderful to have had that much sleep last night ! I think we are going to move to Chattanooga again . We flew out last Sunday to interview with BCBST with the same lady I used to work for . They called yesterday morning to make me an offer , for 63K . I just got a raise here up to 63 K ! So , if it works out , it will be a good thing . There is no state income tax in TN , so automatically that is a 3 % raise right there . Also , they will pay for someone to come out and pack up our house , and move us , and unpack at the new house . Much easier to move that way with a baby ! While we were there , Sam got to meet my mother and Mike 's stepdad and aunt . Seeing their reactions really made us feel that moving closer would be beneficial for everyone - - Sam would be closer to his family , to be spoiled rotten as he deserves to be ! We would have a support system , not that we would drop him off to be babysat every week , but it is nice to know that there are people around in case we need them . Sam goes for his 8 week appointment next Tuesday , he gets his first set of shots : ( . I know he has to have them , I just feel so bad when he cries ! He is changing so much , he smiles at you a lot , makes cooing noises , can turn his head back and forth - - Mike and I were lying on the bed with Sam between us , and we were talking back and forth over him , and he would turn his head to whichever side was talking . I 've never seen him do this before , and he must have really strong neck muscles ! Also , if you lean him forward on his belly , like to burp him , he can lift and hold his head up at about a 90 degree angle . He can hold it there for quite some time . When you feed him , if you talk to him , ask him questions , he 'll make noises at you while he is eating , Posted by Today marks a year ago that I had a D & E . I thought of that as I was feeding my healthy , perfect 6 and a half week old boy this morning . I am so grateful that I am almost moved to tears each time I think about it . Samuel Ross was born 8 / 14 / 07 at 2 : 23am . We went to a doctor 's appointment on Monday , 8 / 13 , and she ruptured my membranes , and then said she wanted to do a non stress test just as a formality because I had had high blood pressures in the last week . We thought nothing of it , and went into the room , which was now quite familiar to me . Sam didn 't move around much , but he had been earlier that morning , so I didn 't really worry about it . I was just waiting to be allowed to go . They came in and checked the readout several times , and then a lady with an ultrasound machine came in , and said she was going to check my amniotic fluid levels . We were joking about how I was ready to have this baby , so she 'd better find bad results ! About halfway through the reading , she said " I think you are going to get your wish ! " We were stunned . No real danger to the baby , he just needed to come out sooner rather than later . My husband drove me to the hospital across the street , where they checked me in , and then he left to go take the dogs to the kennel , and finish packing my bag . I think I checked in about 11 : 00 am . I was changed into a gown , and a resident came in to check my amniotic fluid levels again . He agreed that they were low , and that we should induce . Everyone left , and I called my family to let them know that I was going to be induced soon . I turned on the TV , and my favorite movie , " Easy Rider " , was on , which rocked ! I thought about how I would tell Sam about all of this some day . I couldn 't believe that I was going to meet him soon , and of course , I was contemplating what that would mean exactly . Our lives were never going to be the same , and I couldn 't wait . They came in about 1pm and inserted miso ~ ~ something to get me dilating . They told me they would check my cervix in 4 hours to see how dilated I was . I didn 't rPosted by Well , I 'm officially 2 and a half weeks from my due date . How the heck did that happen ? I can 't , just can 't believe it , and I am so incredibly grateful . I do have some anxiety about things going wrong , but as we speak , the little bugger is squirming around in there , so that makes me feel more confident . I think yesterday was the first day that I really felt like " okay , I 'm ready to be done with being pregnant " . My feet are swollen , my hands are swollen ( when I bend my fingers , it hurts ) , and I am so , incredibly TIRED . I worry about how we are going to deal with a new baby and the puppy , I worry about how we are going to afford to take care of aforementioned baby , and if I will EVER get any energy back ! My friend had her baby , and now my friend 's sister is being induced as we speak . It is amazing , like we are graduating or something . I 've had several people ( one man , even ) tell me that my belly looks a lot lower than it has , hopefully this means the kiddo has dropped , and will be on his way shortly . I am so ready to meet him . We both are . Husband is really sick right now , throwing up every 30 minutes or so , which is scary for anyone , much less a diabetic - - so I 'm going home shortly to keep an eye on him ( or , as we say in the biz , " take a nap " ) . I think I 'm going to push for half days starting next week , as I 'm getting so sleepy my head is nodding at stop lights on the way home . I had a dismal phone interview today . I didn 't really have any time to prepare , as H was sick , and I had to wrangle the puppy all morning ( who , incidentally woke up at 4 : 45 this morning ) . So , I pretty much bombed it . H had a great interview with a company that would require us to move to Steamboat Springs , which would be pretty awesome . We 'll see if it works out or not . I told H that if they bring him to Steamboat for an interview , that will , in no doubt , be the day that I go into labor . What a fun interview that would be ! So , about five minutes after that last post , this lady I work with came in and told me they were going to have a shower for me . Boy , did I feel bad . No one here even knows I have a blog , so I know they didn 't see my post , but talk about timing ! They are giving me one this Thursday , which is very nice , and there is cake from my favorite bakery and everything ! We had company AGAIN last week , my husband 's cousin , wife and two kids . It wasn 't as bad as it could 've been , but I think the problem is that I 'm almost 9 months pregnant , and I just don 't feel like dealing with extra people in my house . They were very good guests , and the kids were well behaved , but I am still just exhausted . And we had to go to a baseball game on Friday night , which was horrible . I had been up since 4 : 45 that morning , and I was so tired . Of course , when there was only one out to go , somebody hits a home run , and the game goes into extra innings . I was so pissed and tired , and at this point it was about midnight . I got the keys to the truck and walked back and laid back in the seat . I think I 'm still recovering from the lack of sleep that night . I am so tired , my head is nodding as I 'm typing this . The cool thing was that they brought me their breast pump , which will save us about 320 dollars ! yea ! Over the years , I bet I 've spent a couple of thousand dollars on shower gifts , bridal showers , baby showers , etc . I don 't have very many close girl friends , so I really didn 't expect a shower from friends . Two girls gave me a mini shower , completely by surprise , and it was so nice of them ! Here at work , no one is doing anything . I can 't believe it . I actually spearheaded a collection for a girl that started working here two months before her due date , I asked about giving her a shower , and no one wanted to give her one because she had just started . So I collected money , got her a cake , and gave her a Visa gift card . I didn 't do it so that everyone would do the same for me , but come on ! I 've worked her over two years , and not a peep about a shower for me . I 'm trying not to let it piss me off , but I 'm beginning to get angry about it . I just attended a bridal shower for a 50 + year old woman ( who has lived on her own for years ) , joined in like a good girl and bought her a gift . I can 't believe that the people here are that uncaring . It just makes me feel angry and hurt . I was putting off buying certain things because I thought , that would be a good shower gift , not too expensive - - but now I have to buy those things because I 'm getting closer and closer to my due date . I don 't know how I 'm going to not let it show that I 'm really ticked off at this point . I can 't believe how much I have supported these people and contributed to their kids ' sales . You can believe all that will stop now , just let them ask , and my answer is going to be , Where was your support ? Fuck off ! I 'm not bitter . . . Things were a little smoother yesterday . I don 't think I cried once . Husband was very good , puppy was very good . We took the puppy to the barn last night , where I was actually ABLE TO GO GET THE HORSE MYSELF . What a huge step ! My foot was crammed into a sneaker , but I was able to walk on it and felt comfortable going into the pasture myself . Yea ! Husband walked the puppy around , which was great for both of them . I don 't think I ate enough yesterday , because about 7 , I was sooo tired . To the point of almost collapsing . So today , I 'm going to make sure I eat enough , I 'm just finishing off my blueberry yogurt ( yummm ! ) . We are completely broke this week , so if I eat out , it has to be cheap , mostly Wendy 's value menu , but I can get some good stuff , baked potato , caesar salad , etc . Which is good , not too bad for me , and very filling . Why does my mother , after talking to me for like an hour about the same exact stuff we ALWAYS talk about , when I end the conversation say , " call me again this week , okay ? " We don 't have anything to talk about anyway , why the heck does she want me to call AGAIN ? I usually just say I will , and then don 't . It seems to work , so why mess with it ? We got our Widespread Panic tickets for Red Rocks ! We are only going to the Sunday show , I don 't think I 'll survive any more than that , but I 'm really looking forward to it . I haven 't seen them in a year , the last one was the shows at the Fox last May ( 2006 ) . I hate to say it , but they weren 't great shows . It wasn 't long after that George left them , and you could tell that they just weren 't together . At any rate , it will be good to see them with Jimmy playing guitar . Work is beginning to drive me crazy . I really want to start working from home every week , just as my coworker does . Every time I bring this up , I get some hemming and hawing . I think I 'm just going to start doing it , and let him deal with it . He 's lucky I 'm still here , as I see it . It would just be nice to not have to drive in 5 days a week , especially with gas prices . Plus , I 'm getting more aPosted by I 'm sure it must be hormonal , but everything seems to be such a big deal right now . Husband and I are arguing it seems like every day , usually about the puppy . He 'll do something bad , and H will just blow up ( it seems excessively so , to me ) , and I immediately start crying . Sunday was our 18th anniversary , and we did absolutely nothing , and ended the day by me crying and him blowing up . Maybe the stress of everything is starting to get to him . We are having terrible financial problems , and he is leaving his job , which doesn 't make enough to help anyway , to focus more on the real estate career . I know that will take a while to build up , and we have no savings at all . So , it is all pretty scary . I think that is wearing on us both , especially with a baby on the way . I 'm just tired of arguing all the time . Yesterday we had a long talk about it , and we are both going to try to do better . The puppy can be so cute sometimes , but he is also a source of stress , and we need to learn to deal with him better . And with the hormones , I can completely convince myself that H is doing nothing to help me , which , even when I 'm rational , is somewhat true . It seems that all he wants to do is come home and sit on the couch and watch TV , and if anything comes in between him and the couch , there 'll be hell to pay . Hopefully once he gets out of this job , maybe he 'll become a little more active , and therefore less stressed , and therefore less likely to blow up like a land mine . My foot / toe is much better , I 'm in a Birkenstock now , but still can 't fit into a regular shoe , possibly just because I 'm pregnant . I hate crocs so much , but now I may buy a pair so that my toe is at least protected somewhat . I 'm so close to being able to walk on it , it is very exciting . I 'm so tired of hobbling all the time ! Both of my feet and ankles are starting to swell , so I 'm keeping them up at work , and any time I 'm not on them . And the heartburn is REALLY kicking up - - bleeeccch . But , the good part is that I can feel him moving around most of the time now , I loPosted by I honestly cannot believe that Monday will be 30 weeks that I 've been pregnant . It doesn 't seem possible that I 'll only have ten weeks to go . Lots has happened since my last post : 1 ) I broke my toe2 ) We were going to move to TN , then changed our minds3 ) We bought a crib ! Broken toe : Charlie ( horse ) broke it . I was picking his hoof , and I can 't really get bent over enough to get a good hold of them anymore , and he was stomping at flies . So , he stomped right out of my hand , and landed right on my foot . Ouch ! My big toe is broken in two places , the toenail was out and mangled the toe , so they sutured me up . I got them out yesterday . Hobbling around is not fun , but the foot is getting stronger , and hopefully I only have two more weeks to go . I can 't wait to get my foot back ! I was just starting to walk the puppy at night , that had to end , but hopefully not for long . The really bad part was that Mike was out of town , so I had to drive myself to after hours care , and then drive back home , and deal with the puppy by myself . I was really glad when he got home ! Move to TN : My Dad offered to let us live in his house , rent free for a while , starting in June . I mentioned this to an old coworker , and my old boss contacted me and set up a three month contract until the baby is born to work in Chattanooga again , at my old job . It was making a fortune , too . We were all in until Mike went to visit , and made the drive ( 75 miles one way ) , and saw my Dad 's house . I knew it was small , but he said it was pretty nasty ( like rat droppings on the kitchen counter ) , and really , really old carpet . That in conjunction with a 150 mile a day commute , and the fact that I would 've had to drive 2 and a half hours to the hospital / doctor , just really made it seem not worth it . So , we decided to stay here until after the baby is born , and maybe try to move in October . We 'll see . It is nice and warm here now , so we are enjoying being here , and it is nice not to have to worry about moving on top of a new baby and a broken toe ! It is a bummer though , because Posted by 21 weeks as of today . I 'm starting to seriously shop for cribs and bedding . And I really want a camcorder , so we can show the kiddo what we were like before he came along . Most days , I have enough energy , some days I 'm tired , but overall , I 'm functioning fairly normally . I do feel some movement , just a little blip here and there , and then nothing for a long while . Mostly at night when I 'm still for a while , I 'll feel it . Thank God the vet said the pup should be fine to sleep all night , and he is ! He sleeps from about 9 or 9 : 30 until 5 : 45 or 6 : 00 , and it is absolutely the most wonderful thing . When I started getting that much uninterrupted sleep , my energy level went WAY up . Aaaahh . . . . We really , really want to move back to the South . I miss it so much each day . I 've looked for other jobs , and pretty much when they find out I 'm pregnant , they don 't want anything else to do with me . So , I think I 'm going to stick it out here , have the baby , and then move after a couple of months . I 'm pretty sure I 'll be able to find a job pretty quickly once I 'm there , and we can live in my Dad 's house for a couple of months rent free . That is a pretty big step , but we really are tired of being here . I 'm tired of fighting bill collectors constantly , we can 't afford our house , etc . It is just time to try to sell the house and move on . Monday , I 'll be 19 weeks along . 19 weeks ? ! I really can 't believe that I get to type that . Wow . I 'm in maternity pants now , I 'm not sure anyone else can tell , but I can certainly tell that I 'm pregnant when looking in the mirror . I 'm still tired sometimes , but I have more energetic days than not . I am warm most of the time . Yesterday was chillier than it has been , I think the high was 45 degrees , and it felt wonderful to me . This is a big switch , as I am ALWAYS cold . I 'm enjoying it immensely . I 'm eating as if I were gestating an elephant in there . Two breakfasts a day , one around 7 , then other around 9 . I 'm still not feeling any movement , I hope it comes soon . The pup is growing so fast ! He has calmed down a bit , I don 't feel that I have to watch his every move anymore . It is so funny though , sometimes at night , he 'll get these bursts of energy , he 'll grab a toy and just run circles around the house , upstairs , then downstairs . It is hilarious . When he is finished , he 'll run down the stairs , into the den , and then leap ( without slowing down one bit ) onto the ottoman . Then he looks around , very pleased with himself . So cute ! He still gets in biting moods , but the spray bottle seems to curtail it for the most part . We take the pup to the vet tomorrow for his last set of shots , and I 'm going to ask if she thinks he is old enough to make it through the night without having to use the bathroom . Cross your fingers that she says yes . I am so tired of getting up at 2 am . Husband has not been helpful at all . He did it once , and complained that it wasn 't good for his sleeping pattern . Guess what ? It isn 't good for mine either , and I 'm pregnant , for Pete 's sake ! But I just gave in on that one , and told him to enjoy it now , because when the baby gets here , he 's going to have to pitch in . I 'll make sure I wake him up every time I get up , if he doesn 't . I love Husband very much , but he can really be irresponsible sometimes . However , he is very helpful on the weekends , by watching the pup so that I can take a 2 or 3 hour nap . ThaPosted by Well , who would 've thought I 'd have made it to 17 weeks ? 17 weeks , 2 days that is . Wow . We had the big ultrasound on 2 / 27 , and it was wonderful . My quad screen came back 1 in 1100 chances for Down 's , negative for neural tub defects , negative for trisonomy 18 . Everything looked great , the femur measurement was a little short , in the 87th percentile instead of the 90th . The doc said that might reduce my chances to 1 in a 1000 , it really was a very soft marker , and not very important . So , I didn 't have to have the amnio . Such a blessing . And we found out that it is a boy ! ! Pretty amazing to actually visualize that thing in my uterus as a human being . I was being so cautious about feeling attached , we both were . When we got the good news , it was like the flood gates opened . I told everyone here at work the next day . We were just so elated . And really , still are . But now reality is setting in and we are facing the dilemma of what are we going to do with this child once it is born ? We plan on putting the house up for sale soon . It is just too expensive . We would like to move South in the near future , but until then , we need to figure things out . I 'm thinking I could probably get a contract job after the baby is born , which would up my salary about 20 , 000 a year . My technical skills aren 't where they should be ; I need to start training myself again . The main complaint that I have right now is that I am so tired ALL OF THE TIME . I get up at 2 : 00 am every day to let the puppy out . It just interrupts my sleeping pattern , and I never feel too rested . Husband is getting better about getting up some days , but most of the responsibility falls on me right now . I find that I am in a rotten mood most of the time . So , I 'm going to try to go out to my car during lunch and take an hour nap . I bet that will help a lot . I 'm so grateful for this baby , though , I 'll be grouchy the entire time if need be ! Well , we made it past the 13th week . Today is 14 . And the heart was there this morning , beating away , as if to say " What 's all the fuss about ? I 'm doing my job here ! " . I 'm relieved and a little more nervous about the quad screen now . I wouldn 't really let myself think about it too much , as that would happen after week 13 . And now week 13 is over , so I have to find something else to worry about . I go for the quad screen a week from today , hopefully to get the results by 2 / 23 or 2 / 26 . I 'm scheduled for the level II ultrasound on the 27th , and the amnio , if necessary , afterwards . I 'm still scared to tell anyone I 'm pregnant . I 'm scared to post this , because I 'll have to look at it if something bad happens , just like I did for the other one . It was really weird , I got my hair colored and cut yesterday , and I told the colorist that I was pregnant , in case she needed to do something different . She was very congratulatory , and of course , asked if this was my first . I hesitated , but told her that no , this was my seond pregnancy , the first one didn 't go well . I felt for her , you could tell she wanted to ask all of the questions that preggos usually want to hear , for instance , had I thought of names . I just told her that I was too nervous to get that far yet , and I hope to God that the screen and ultrasound will put my mind a little more at ease . The great part is that we leave for Vegas a week from today ! I 'm looking forward to sleeping as long as I want to , and not having to get up to let the puppy out for a few days . I feel horrible about leaving the puppy in a kennel while he is so young , but I haven 't really had a vacation in about two years , and I need it ! I 'm sure the pup will be fine . We have a furry addition to our family , a 5 pound , 8 week old Lab / German Shepherd mix . We got him from the Humane Society on Friday . He is just adorable , and rambunctious , and ferocious , just what we needed . I won 't say there haven 't been some tense times , I was so tired Saturday night , and we put him in his crate to go to bed . We put it in our bedroom , as we thought he might like to be included with everyone else in the same room . He put up the biggest fuss , making such a racket ! We slid the crate into the spare bedroom , turned the light on very low , and shut the door . He whined and pitched a fit for about ten minutes , then finally shut up . I was so tired , it was a much bigger deal than it should have been . Luckily , Husband was able to take up my slack . Of course , any time I get tired or frustrated , I think , " Oh my God , am I going to be a terrible mother ? " and so on . Additionally , I feel so guilty when I have to leave him , which is every day for 9 hours or so . The other dog is very hesitant around him , but has stopped snapping at him , and even allowed him to walk under her without any incident . I think things will be back to a routine in a week , I certainly hope so . I went Sunday to visit my horse , and I left Husband and Henry alone . It was like leaving my baby for the first time , I kept wanting to call and check in ! It was nice to get away for a bit though . I received my Doppler on Friday , and tried to find the heartbeat that night , with no luck . I did not freak out though , as I 've read countless accounts of this same experience . Saturday , I drank a lot of water so that I 'd have a full bladder , moved the wand around and around , and suddenly , there was the woosh - woosh sound . The Doppler showed a rate of 165 . It moved away after about 20 seconds , and I moved around for a while , and found it again , way high , just below and to the right of my belly button . This time it stayed there for a bit . It was so cool . Husband was in awe . I am theoretically at 12 weeks today ; that doesn 't mean anything to me , other than I 'm gePosted by We had to put our dog to sleep last night . He was 14 years old . He was the biggest , larger than life , sweetest soul I have ever known . When we got him as a puppy from the Humane Society , the first night we had him he started throwing up . He was so sick , and I think we ended up taking him to the vet 4 or 5 times after that first emergency call . We couldn 't figure out what was wrong with him ; I nursed that dog , letting him go to sleep in my lap , just picking him up and holding him . Finally , a coworker told me her dog was allergic to beef , and that I should try feeding him lamb meal and rice food . That was exactly what was wrong . I watched him go from a sick little guy to a rambunctious , frisky puppy . I have such a bond with that dog , I think from nursing him back to health . He was truly my first baby . My husband has a strong bond with him too , he was really our best friend . We enjoyed him so much . Everywhere we went , he was right there . If we took a shower , he laid down in front of the door until we came out . We couldn 't close the door all the way , as he would poke his head in from time to time , just to check on us . We knew that at his age , the time would probably be coming soon . Many times , I would come home , and he wouldn 't come down stairs to meet me , and I 'd make that long climb up the stairs , expecting the worst , only to find him just raising his head from a deep sleep . Last night , he woke from a nap , and tried to walk . His back legs wouldn 't work . His eyes were darting back and forth , back and forth , uncontrollably . He was drooling . His breathing was very erratic . My husband called the vet , who said to come right in . My husband had to carry him into the car , as his back legs didn 't work at all . I rode in the back of the car , curled up around him , and he laid his head in my hand . I told him that we would be okay , that if he needed to go , we would be okay . I also told him that he had taught us so much about how to love , we wouldn 't be the same people had we never met him . At the vet 's office , she was having troubPosted by I caved in and called the doctor 's office to see if I could come in earlier , and to my surprise , they scheduled me for that day ! So Tuesday , I drove over , a little nervous , but really pretty much okay . The baby was there , heartbeat and all ! I 'm so glad I went because if I had waited 5 weeks to see the doctor , I would 've been a basket case . Now I only have 2 and a half weeks until I go again . And the baby measured 10 weeks ! By the measurement on the ultrasound last time , I should have been 9 weeks 3 days . I 'm really excited by this , as last time , it ALWAYS measured smaller than it was supposed to be . Not much , but some . So , the next appointment will be 13 weeks . The last one died at 13 or 14 weeks , they weren 't sure . My uterus measured 13 , the head circumference measured 14 , crown to rump measured 13 . So , I 'm hoping that if I go at the beginning of week 13 , and everything is looking good , maybe I can come back in the 14th week , and if everything is good , I 'll let my breath out a little . I 'm ordering the Doppler rental , even though my husband wants me to wait until we go to the doc again . I really don 't think I 'll freak if I can 't find it , as I 've read numerous accounts of people not being able to at first . I just think it would be really cool if I could find it , and then when I go to the doctor , I won 't be so nervous , because I 'll be able to check in on the heartbeat . We are supposed to go to Vegas ( please be warm ) over President 's Day weekend , which will begin my 15th week . So , hopefully I 'll be pregnant and grateful for a vacation , or I 'll have just finished a D & E and will be glad to have a break . I 'm praying for the pregnant option , please . I think I am supposed to schedule my amnio soon , but I am so , so afraid to . Last time I had the amnio scheduled for the next day when we found out the baby had died . I had to call , completely in tears , to cancel . I know I 've got to make the appointment . I just don 't want to have to cancel it . Fear is a terrible thing . Part of me thinks that everything really will be okay thiPosted by I am so antsy about just knowing what is going on , I 'm dieing to rent a Doppler . However , I 'm only 9 weeks along and I know that I probably wouldn 't be able to hear anything anyway . Which would send me into a tailspin . Or not , as I keep telling myself . At any rate , I need to wait . I hate waiting , because I would love to have some sort of reassurance . I guess I could call and make an appointment sooner at the doctor 's office . I keep thinking that if I can wait until 12 weeks and everything is okay , it will be more meaningful . We 'll see . I may cave . It is only 3 weeks from Monday , which is not that long , in the big picture . I 'm still having nausea off and on , and I 'm absolutely exhausted by the end of the day , so I 'm hoping that is a good sign . It is quite cold here today , at 9 : 45 , it is 1 degree above zero . I 'm working from home today , as the roads are kind of icy , and it really isn 't worth the risk of driving in , I can do my job just as easily from home anyway . I 'm going to try and go see the horse , I think he may be turned out , which means I 'll have to go out in the field , which I may not want to do with the icy conditions right now . Some of the horses are such a holes ! They won 't let you in the gate , they won 't let you out , not very respectful of my space . Which is a BIG no no in the horse world . My horse may not obey my every wish , but he understands that if I am standing in front of him , he stops . He doesn 't just run through me ! So , we 'll see if I make it out or not . Arrggghhhh . . . to call the dr or not to call ? I 'm sure they could get me in next week . . . . I am supposed to be working , and I just can 't seem to concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time . I 've played solitaire so much I should have my own show on ESPN . All was good at the doctor 's appointment . At least , I think so . The nurse practitioner was very nice , but there was something on the ultrasound next to the baby , she couldn 't make out what it was , so she called a doctor in to take a look . The doctor looked very quickly , said , " I have no idea . There 's nothing we could do anyway , hopefully this one will be uneventful . " Just like that . This was a woman ! ! I felt like leaping up from the table and strangling her . Great bedside manner , babe . I 've scheduled the next appointment for when I should be twelve weeks , I 'm hoping that will give me some kind of check on the heart rate and development . After that , I may come in for week 13 and 14 , because that is somewhere around when it died last time . I have a good feeling about this one , I 'm trying to repeat that over and over again , to ward off anxiety . It works , sometimes . I was expecting a huge sigh of relief , but for some reason , it didn 't give me any satisfaction . Hopefully after the 15 week mark ( if I make it that far ) and the amnio ( if I make it through that ) if I get normal results , I 'll be much calmer . Speaking of anxiety , we are supposed to get MORE snow this friday . Every Friday for the past 3 weeks , we 've gotten snow , first 3 feet , then 1 foot , and supposedly another foot this Friday . I am OVER it . Usually , we get a nice week or two in between the storms , the snow has time to melt before the next one . Not so this winter . I have four feet of snow in my front yard . I can 't bring in my Christmas decorations , because I don 't know where they are . They are buried under eight feet of snow , because the four feet that was on my driveway has been shoveled on top of the four feet in my yard . Husband has been really missing Atlanta , and I tell you , I hate moving , but a winter like this will make me do it . Luckily , I 'm pregnant , which would make finding a job VERYPosted by After being married for 17 years , we decided to have a baby . After an ill fated first pregnancy , we now have an adorable toddler , a dog , a cat , and a horse . We move a LOT , and are in a struggle to find a place to settle down that we like AND can actually afford . |
We got married on October 30 , 2011 . We had the most beautiful wedding . It was perfect . Every last detail ! And I was the calmest bride . It was just so meant to be that I was relaxed and calm and enjoyed every second of it . We finally bought a house too ! We are right near my parents , his parents , my sister and one of his sisters . The house is exactly what we were looking for and we have been renovating it since January 2012 . After the wedding he took me on a surprise honeymoon . He told me to pack my suitcase and I had no idea where we were going ! ! It is so strange for me to be so trusting and not controlling ! We landed in India and had the most amazing 3 weeks ! He planned every last detail . We lived like kings for the entire time we were there . We stayed at the best hotels and ate the best food and had the best time together . After the honeymoon we came home packed up the car with all our stuff and dogs and headed to Florida to his ( now our ) winter house . I am so glad that we are in Florida while we are renovating our other house because I think if we were there we would be way too stressed out . I have flown home a few times to choose floors and tiles and kitchen etc . but for the most part our trust is in the architect ( his father ) who is taking amazing care of the project ! Living in Florida for the last 6 months has been wonderful . I thought I would hate it but I don 't ! We have had a few people come visit us and it as been fun . We get along so well and barely argue ! I am learning to be a good housewife . . . I do all the grocery shopping and I make dinner sometimes . He is a way better chef than I am so we split the cooking . I am volunteering at 3 different agencies here and I am loving it ! I feel like I am really making a difference here and helping people that would not otherwise be able to access my help . On the weekends we have so much fun together . We go out on the boat , for picnics , go for dinners and shows and movies and festivals and charity galas . We even hosted a street BBQ a few weeks ago ! I honestly don 't know where the last 6 months have gone ! The winter is over and it is almost time to go back home ( just waiting for the renos to be finished ) . I am excited to move back and see friends and family and have pool parties and dinners at our new house . He is stressed about moving back because our lifestyle there will be totally different . In Florida it is just the two of us . No commitment , no plans , no family members , NO STRESS . When we move back , we will be busy every evening and every weekend we will have some family dinner or someones birthday party or something will always be going on . I have enjoyed our alone time but I am so excited to be social and busy again ! ! ! So much has happened since my last update . . . . I went to a few dress stores . I liked a few dresses but fell in love with a Vera Wang dress that was just ridiculously too expensive . It was hard to like any dress after trying that one on . Until I tried on THE DRESS ! I loved it on the spot and didn 't want to try anymore on ! I booked the venue and the best photographer and a band . Still have a few more things to book . I have been doing most of the planning on my own with the help of my sister , his sister and my best friend and mom . I had a bit of a crazy fight with my sister but that got resolved . He finally came home June 4 at midnight and was too tired to see me . That caused a wonderful fight . NOT ! The next day was one of my best friend 's weddings and I was one of her bridesmaids . I told him that he needs to meet me there at 6 because I was there from 10 AM doing hair make up , pictures , etc . I hadn 't seen him in weeks and I was so angry at him but all that anger went away as soon as I saw him and he saw me all dressed up . We had a fun time at the wedding and I was just so happy that he had finally come home for good and that we would never have to live apart again . The next few weeks have consisted of him working , me planning and LOTS of family BBQs and Brunches and dinners . Then we went to Vegas for a few days cause he had some business there . He had meetings during the day and then we spent the evenings and nights together going for dinner and shopping and walking the strip . It was lots of fun ! Father 's Day BBQ was so funny ! He got drunk with my dad and they were both laughing and having the best time . It made me soo happy ! Now we are in the process of planning the engagement party . I got my invite list all ready and bugged him for 2 weeks to give me his list and his moms list . I finally got so frustrated that I just sent mine out and told him that I was not going to bug him anymore . He could send his out the day before or not at all , I wasn 't prepared to stress over it . I finally got his list and registered for gifPosted by A week after we got engaged , we were planning to go to the Bahamas with his mom , his sister and his niece . The day before we were supposed to leave we decided to take his 14 year old lab to the vet because she was drooling a lot and breathing heavy . The vet said that it was an abscess tooth and that he would need to pull it so we left her there to have it pulled . The vet called him an hour later and told him that when they put her under to pull the tooth they noticed a growth in her mouth which was cancer . He almost fell to the floor . He burst into tears and I just hugged him . His dogs mean the entire world to him . The whole reason he is in Florida in the winters is so that his dogs can swim and not slip on ice . He was a mess . He went to go sit outside for a bit by himslef , then I joined him and just let him cry . It broke my heart to see him like that . We decided that his mom and sister and niece should still go to the Bahamas and that we would stay home with the dogs . I am glad that we did that . I think having everyone at the house would have been a disaster while he was in that state . We picked her up the next morning and he just hugged her and cried more . Watching him with her made me cry too . I told him to just stay with her and not to worry about anything else . I cleaned up the kitchen , the garage , the porch and the bedroom . I didn 't know what else to do with my self . Every time she yelped in pain he would feel so terrible for her that I told him to go hang out outside while I sat with her and gave her pain pills or tried to get her to eat etc . He just couldn 't bare to hear her in pain and I couldn 't bare to see him in pain . He said that he didn 't care how much it would cost , he was going to make sure she got better . He researched on line and called dog oncologist etc . I let him be crazy for a few days as I don 't know how I would react if anything happened to my dog . Then after she was feeling a bit better and he had stopped crying I felt that I needed to talk to him about the reality of curing a 14 and a haPosted by My ex found out that I was engaged . He wrote me an email . It actually put a downer on my high . I was feeling so bad for him after reading his sad depressing email . Then I got super angry that I had wasted even a minute of time worrying about how he was feeling when I was supposed to be spending every second celebrating with my fiance . This was his email : Originally when I read this I felt sad . I pictured you in a dark sad place and wanted to rescue you . But that is not my role in your life . I can not spend one more minute thinking about how you are feeling when I am supposed to be celebrating with someone else . The amount of times you tried to push me away , the amount of times I cried over you . I had one thing that was making my decision a living hell and it was conversion . You said you wouldn 't do it . Your arrogance and ego allowed you to allow me to go date 50 other men thinking I was going to come back . In fact you were not even sad . You dated and slept with women and flirted and had a ball . Then you contact me on my birthday and got my feelings back to the surface and then ripped my heart out again one more time the following day . It was not until you deceitfully read my blog and found out that I was with D for two months and happy that you decided to contact me and try to mess me up all over again . And still I held you high enough that I decided to try a friendship with you despite possible ramifications with my relationship . And now , NOW that you find out its for real and I am engaged , you decide to wake up and feel sad ? ! ? ! ? ! You are only sad cause you are lonely and I am not and you are the most competitive person I know . If you had someone you would not even realize I was gone . If you love someone and want to be with them you compromise and do whatever it takes to be with them . No games , no chances , no risks . You let fear govern your decisions for most of our relationship and I thought that was normal but its not . I now know what I am willing to do for the person that I am going to marry and that is anything and everything in the whole wide world to make his life easier and better while trusting that he would do the same . After eight days , without fear of rejection or fear of scaring me off , he said he loved me . After 8 months , he bought a ring to make sure I would be his forever , without fear of judgement that it is " too soon " . Without hesitation I agreed to move to Florida with him knowing that it is not my ideal situation but that it is so important for him to make sure his old dogs do not suffer through the winter . When you find the right girl you will do anything to be with her and you will never take the cPosted by My bf was not able to come in for passover so I decided to go visit him in Florida after the seders . My flight was Saturday night but it got delayed , obviously . So I had to go to an airport that was an hour and a half away from his house and I only arrived at midnight . He was so sweet , he picked me up with a bouquet of pink roses . We drove back to his house and he told me that he had a surprise for me in the back yard . He asked me to wait inside for a few minutes . We had talked about putting a pond in the side yard but decided that it was not a good idea since we have dogs and eventually kids . Last time I saw the yard it was just a pile of mud . He brought me outside and I saw that he had landscaped the entire yard . He put grass , planted palm trees , built a low wall out of stone and planted every single pink plant and flower he could find . He put a fountain and benches and made it into a beautiful serene garden for me . He told me that he did everything himself and made it so that I would feel more like his house was my house and wanted me to have my very own special area . He had lit candles all over the garden and brought out a bottle of wine and two glasses . I had complained that he never wrote me a love letter , so of course he handed me one . It was such a nice note that I almost started to cry . He had been preparing me that he was designing a ring for me that would look like a roller coaster . Every time he described it to me I had a mini panic attack . I didn 't want him to think that I cared too much about a ring but the ring he described sounded terrible . So he pulls out a small pink box from his pocket and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me . He opened the box and inside was the ugliest ring I had ever seen . I gave him a huge hug and said that I wanted to marry him too and that I love him so much . I tried not to look at the ring too much . He told me that he put an inscription in the ring and that it was the most importnat part . I tried to read it but it was too dark . He went inside to gB It has been almost two months since my last post . My blog is still blocked and I have not yet decided what I want to do with it . Things are still going great with my bf . I have been back to Florida once and he has been here once . The last time I went I got to meet his other sister that has been away at law school . She was the last family member for me to meet ! She was just as lovely as the rest of the family . Even though she is 3 years older then me , it still felt like I was older and she agreed ! She is still in school and living the student life while I have my own career and am dating an older guy and am ready to start my life . The five of us had a great time . . . ( his mom , sister and her bf ) . Two of the nights he told them that they could join us for the car ride to dinner but that they had to pick their own restaurant cause he wanted to spend time alone with me . I thought that was really thoughtful of him . I think its nice when he does romantic things like that : ) We just had a great week while I was there ! I also had to have a very difficult discussion with him . This winter he brought his mom with him to florida for the entire winter . He asked me if I would start coming as of next winter and I told him that I would . I also had to tell him that as much as I love his mom , I am not comfortable with living with her for half a year every year . We talked about it and he assured me that she wouldn 't be coming for the whole winter next year just a few times to visit . I was happy that I spoke up and shared my feelings with him and that he was willing to compromise with me . He came here last week and had a ton of work to do . It was one of my good friend 's weddings so I asked him to come in . on the Thursday he decided to take off the afternoon and take me to a hotel in a city 2 hours away . We stayed most of Friday as well and then came home to babysit his niece . We took her with us to my grandmothers house for shabbat dinner . She sat in between us and we both took turns feeding her . He is amazing with her and I got a littPosted by So I guess the way my community works is that one person broke my anonymity and disclosed to the group that I lectured that I had a blog . That night I had an insane number of hits on my blog and by the next day I was getting calls and emails from guys that I had blogged about who had seen my blog , read through it and were able to identify themselves and were NOT happy . So I quickly blocked the blog cause I didn 't know what else to do . . . I love writing the blog and got a bunch of emails from people who were quite upset that I blocked it and on the other hand , I don 't want to offend people and I don 't want everyone in my community to think that I am some mean girl with a burn book ! So I am torn . Valentines Day weekend . . . I flew to Florida . On my way I missed a connecting flight due to weather and had to stay over night and the airline didn 't even want to pay for my hotel . I made the best of it . I found one of my cousins that lived in that city and hung out with him until my flight the next day . Mean while when I told my bf that I had missed my flight and wasn 't coming in until the next day he was so upset . Like more then necessary and I couldn 't figure out why . The next morning I arrived in the Miami airport and he made up some story about needing to go pick someone up from the fort Lauderdale airport which I was super annoyed about cause I didn 't want to spend V - day with anyone but him . Plus I was super tired and irritated about missing my flight and waking up at 5 am to catch the early flight to Miami . When we got there , he parked and took my bag and his bag into the airport . At this point I realized that he had booked us a flight somewhere else ! ! ! We literally just made the flight because of my delayed situation ! He wouldn 't let me see where we were going , he just put me on the plane and I found out that we were on our way to Bahamas for the weekend ! We had the best time . We rented a car and explored the island . We went to local places to eat and met the most amazing Bahamian people . Since he hates going to " TourPosted by He came in last week for 6 days to be with me . He stayed with me at my parents house which was so nice ! I loved having him next to me again while I slept . He had a crazy busy work week so we didn 't spend that much time during the day together but we spent every evening together . He was a bit crabby for the first 2 days because of the miserable winter weather and because of stress at work etc . His mom called me to see how I was doing and I told her that her son was being a misery . She immediately called him and gave him a lecture which he told me about the next day ! She told him that I am the best thing to ever happen to him and that he better stop being crabby and not scare me away or else he will have to answer to her ! I thought that was so sweet of her and so did he ! He said that his mom has never really cared for any of his ex girlfriends and he was so surprised to get this lecture from her . After they spoke he was back to his sweet self . We had a great time together . We had dinner one night with my sister and her hubby and my bff and a guy she is kinda dating . Friday night he came for shabbat dinner to my grandmother 's ( dad 's mom ) house and then for dessert to my mom 's sisters house . Saturday we spent the day with his niece and ran errands . I got to see how we work together as parents and I think we will do a great job one day ! He is amazing with her and she adores him and loves spending time with us ! I even surprised him by setting up our massage table in my room so that we could give each other professional massages , it was such a great idea ! Now we are apart for 5 days until I go visit him in Florida for Valentines Day weekend / our six month anniversary . I wonder what he has planned for us ! I love him so much ! Also , I was asked to do a lecture on finding your soul - mate with out settling and share my story with a group of single Jewish girls around my age . I did it today and it was amazing ! There were about 45 girls who showed up and one girl even happened to be a follower of my blog . What are the odds ! ! I wPosted by Happy New Year ! ! ! ! I 'm back from Florida and back to the cold and back to work : ( In a few days it will be 5 full months that we are together and 6 months on Valentine 's day ! ! ! My bf is still in Florida and will remain there for most of the winter with his mom . It is not as difficult as I thought it would be and we are talking a lot on the phone and he is catching up on all the work that he didn 't do while I was there . He is coming home for a bit to see me end of January and I am sooo excited ! Florida was awesome . Our moms got along fabulously and all four of us had a great time . My mom was so impressed with his cooking , she has been talking about it to everyone , lol . We did some shopping , ate out alot and swam and sat by the pool and just enjoyed the weather . We also went to visit my moms mom , who lives in Florida in the winter too . She made all four of us lunch and although I was nervous about it , it went very well . She wasn 't too annoying and didn 't say anything inappropriate like " when are you two getting married ? I am getting older and I want to know that all my granddaughters are well taken care of . For all you know I could die very soon and miss the wedding ! " His mom and I got along great which is something that means the world to me after what I went through with my ex finance 's mother . And he got along great with my mom which also means so much to me after how she felt about my non Jewish ex . We had one interesting argument while I was there . He said that the one thing he will not give up even when we have kids is bacon . I said that he could eat it but not in our house or in front of our children . He said that was very hypocritical and he had no intension of living like a hypocrite . He is usually so easy going and so I was shocked that he would be stuck on such a dumb thing like the three times a year he likes to make bacon at home . I 'm not sure how it ended but i think something about his own bacon pan that he can use in the garage , lol ! ! ! I was a bit irritated because one of the reasons I wanted to marryPosted by FLORIDA ! We drove down to Florida together a few days ago with the dogs . It was a good drive and we laughed a lot . He let me listen to my hip hop music and made funny imitations of my dance moves . We got to his house and immediately he became the happiest person in the world . He loves his house and the warm weather puts him in the best mood . The last few days we spent cleaning up , grocery shopping , watching the dogs swim , showering in the backyard shower and making trips to Home Depot like a cute married couple . We have been cooking together and having the best time . His house is beautiful and I feel very at home with him here . I discovered that he is an amazing chef ! He made me the most delicious dinner last night . We had steak and portobello mushrooms and salad . Tonight he is making ceviche , yum ! We drank a bottle of wine ( which I barely ever do ) and we got drunk together and had so much fun ! We were acting like silly teenagers in love ! He really likes to take care of me which is kind of weird for me . I am usually the caretaker in relationships and he treats me like a princess . This morning while I lay in bed he did our laundry and cleaned the kitchen from our drunk dinner last night . Its something that I can definitely get used to . I am really in love with him . He told me that he wants to be with me forever and wants to marry me one day . He is treating his house like its our house already . I am here til the first week in January and then I go back home but he stays in florida . Its going to be a difficult winter but I think we will get through it . Our moms are flying in tomorrow , should be interesting to say the least ! We stocked the fridge with tons of yummy food that he is going to make for all of us this week . We are going to leave the moms with the dogs for a few days and go on a mini vacation together . I am excited to relax and party with him . I think we are an awesome couple ! Its been over 4 months and I am still so happy ! I will update on the mini vacation and the how it goes with moms , lol . Posted by So a few things . . . My sister and her husband are away on their honeymoon . Since my sister works for my dad and there is no one to cover for her , I had to or else she couldn 't really go at this time . I am also watching her house and puppy . My boyfriend moved in with me there for the 2 weeks and together we now have 4 dogs . . . kill me ! ! We have my Minpin , my sisters Yorkie , his yellow lab and his big black dog . I am working about 60 hours this week and next week , my sisters job and mine . It has been fun playing house but I realize that when we are both working so much , we are not going to have much time to spend together even if we live together . Some nights he finished working and came to bed at like 5 in the morning when I was already sleeping for hours . And then I left at 8 am while he remained sleeping . I got very irritated with my ex . He called me to tell me about his business idea . He decided to quit his job in Europe a year early . The same job that he told me he couldn 't quit because he was on contract with them for 3 years and I would have to move there to be with him until his contract was up . Then he tell me that he knows of a place about an hour from where I live where he thinks we can start a camp type wilderness program for teens . An hour from where I live ! ! ! ! A year ago I would have begged him on my hands and knees to quit his job and move here ! ! ! Now that I am with someone else and happy , he does everything that I had wanted him to do a year ago . The real kick in the ass was when he told me that if it had felt more right then he would convert . I was wanting him to say that there was some hope of conversion for the entire time we were together and now he says it ? ! ? ! ? Anyway , I listened to his idea about the camp and then told him that besides the fact that I would need to see numbers to see if it actually made sense . . . . How would I explain to my bf that I am going to be spending three weeks every other month alone in the forest with my ex . The next day I got a message saying " My mom says to just tell him tPosted by Things with my bf continue to be great ! This past week was tons of fun . We introduced our mothers and the four of us spent the day together downtown . We went for lunch and saw a play and the moms really hit it off ! I had lunch with his sister and her beautiful baby . A woman at the restaurant asked me if the baby was my niece and I said yes : ) hopefully one day she really will be ! Friday night I brought him over to the rabbis house for Shabbat dinner . This was very interesting to say the least . He is Jewish but has issues with the hypocrisy of orthodox Judaism . I made him promise to behave and to keep his thoughts to himself and to just enjoy the meal . He promised he would and dinner was going great . . . . Until the rabbi leaned over and asked him " so what intrigues you about Judaism ? " I jumped in and in what felt like slow motion yelled noooooooooooooooooooo ! That was it ! The can of worms was opened ! And there was nothing I could do about it ! He started a huge debate about religion and the laws and rules and the hypocrisy etc . Everyone joined in , the rabbi , his kids and the other guests . I had to go to the other room because I did not want to get involved and try to manage what he was saying like I normally do in past relationships . I let him just say whatever he wanted and knew it was not a reflection of who I was or what I believe . I let him be his own person and own his own thoughts feelings and beliefs . I know that doesn 't sound like a big deal but for me it was HUGE ! Turns out that it was the best shabbat dinner everyone has had in a very long time . The kids loved the debate , the rabbi thought my bf was brilliant and his arguments were fantastic . He was so impressed with how knowledgeable he was about all the rules and laws to even be able to argue them as well as he did . And my bf had a fantastic time getting to argue things that he has been dying to say to a rabbi ! So it was a hit ! It also meant a lot to me that the rabbi liked my bf and that my bf liked the rabbi ! Saturday we babysat his niece . We took her toPosted by The Ultimate test : Last Thursday I was sitting at my bubby 's ( mom 's mom ) dinner table next to my boyfriend when my blackberry made an email noise . I looked at my phone and saw that I had just received an email from my ex . I felt a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach . I tried to discreetly read the email . He thanked me for respecting his space and giving him the time he needed and asked for . He told me that he missed me and would like to catch up . He also told me that he had heard that I had been dating someone for a few months and wanted to know all about it . My boyfriend looked over at me and asked if everything was okay . I said yes and closed my phone . I was caught off guard and didn 't know what to think or feel . Was I being tested ? Was my new relationship being tested ? Why now ? Why would he email me now , after I finally found some happiness and found a way to move on ? After dinner I went over to my best friends house to talk to her about what I should do . Should I email him back and catch up and risk getting emotionally involved again and missing him and bringing up old feelings ? Should I delete and ignore the email ? I really wasn 't sure what the right decision was so I decided to do nothing and give it a few days . I had been waiting so long for this email and now that I got it I didn 't know how to feel about it . I worried that he only wrote because he heard that I had moved on and wanted to sabatoge it or something . I had so many fears and worries about what the right thing to do was . I called up my boyfriend and told him that I got this email and I told him the truth about how I was feeling and about my concerns and that I didn 't know what to do . He listened and told me that he trusts me and trusts that I will make a good decision and that he doesn 't think this would bother him or come between us . I thanked him for being so understanding . The next night I stayed over at his house and started to compare him to my ex . I started to create arguments and find things that made me mad . After he fell asleep I B Wow , I can 't believe its been over a month since I have been on my blog to update . Things are still going great ! We have been together just over two months now . We are still learning about each other and getting to know each other better . So far its been a fun process . We have both become quite close with each others families . He came on a road trip with me and my sister and her husband and we all had the most amazing time ! He totally clicked with my brother - in - law , which is a dream come true because I am so close with my sister and its nice that all four of us can hang out and have fun together . This weekend he is away and I have already hung out with his mom and sister and have plans to meet his sister again tonight for coffee . His family is so much like mine ! They are warm and loving and sarcastic and hilarious ! They are really kind to me and make me feel like part of their family . We have already taken each other to a few family functions in such a short time . He met my whole extended family for the breaking of the fast , came to a family friends bat - mitzvah , met the rabbi and his wife , and came to my good friends engagement party . I have been to his niece 's first birthday party ( bought her the most adorable juicy sweat suit ) , to his dad 's wife 's birthday party , shabbat dinner at his house , and met all his friends from the village in central america . We have gone to the symphony twice and so many movies and bubble tea and dinners and we just have a great time together . I am struggling a bit with the amount of time he works in a day . He does make tons of time for me but will then stay up til 5 am doing work on some days and be exhausted the next day . He is very ambitious and has a few different business going on at once as well as being a lawyer . I am trying to be super supportive and not needy but its sometimes hard for me . I find that instead of being upset if he is too busy , it is way healthier for me to just fill up my schedule with more clients and friends and just to try to keep busy . That way I am focusiB Its been just over a month and things are going amazing ! ! Two days after he left to Central America , he called me to tell me that 2 weeks without me is too long . He already misses me and wants to share his favorite little village with me . Then he sent me a plane ticket to join him ( and booked me all window seats : ) . I felt crazy accepting it but decided to go with my gut which was JUST GO AND ENJOY LIFE FOR ONCE ! He fell in love with this small village a few years ago and got a place there . He goes a few times a year and knows the whole village . When I arrived there , everyone was so excited to meet me . He had 500 flowers waiting for me in his place ! We had the best week ! We went into the village ( its a very poor village filled with the most amazing and happiest people I have ever met ) and gave out children 's toys and clothes and candy that I brought . He is the most generous man I have ever met ! It was just such a humbling experience for me . These children were sooo happy to receive a piece of candy or small teddy bear . It was like we made their year ! It really made me appreciate everything I have and made me so grateful that I was so privileged . He also met a man with 6 children who lost his house in a mudslide , so he moved them all into the lower level of his place . They were the most wonderful family in the world . The sweetest and most respectful children I have ever met in my life . I fell in love with the family . While he worked during the day , I played with the kids and took them into the village for ice cream and treats . They were so cute ! I didn 't want to leave them : ( Then we found a lost kitten so he left milk out for it and it snuck into our house and would not leave my side . It slept with me every night and followed me around all day . I am really not such a cat person but this kitten was adorable ! ! ! We named her and bought her food and arranged for all her shots and asked the kids to take good care of her for us when we left . Also I went for a full week not caring about bugs or being dirty or not having B He found me on jdate 3 months ago before I stopped going online . We exchanged bbm 's . He lives half the year in one state but his family lives here and so does he for the other half . We spoke a few times but it never worked out to meet . When he was in town I was busy or I was out of town and it just never worked out . After I got back from Israel he messaged me and told me that he was back in town for the next 4 months and would love to finally meet me . We made plans for Friday night but he ended up asking if we could change it to Saturday . I was fine with that because the rabbi had asked me to come over anyways ( that 's the night I was over til 2 am and cried my eyes out ) . So the next night I met him . I had promised the rabbi to go with a good attitude and not to dismiss him for shallow things , like I had been doing on every date . He was not as tall as I usually like and he was balding ; both things that would have not gotten him a second date in the past . But I didn 't pay any attention to it . He took me out for a beautiful dinner and salsa dancing . He was not a great dancer but he couldn 't have cared less ! He had so much confidence ! He was a gentleman . He opened doors and arranged the whole evening . We had great conversation and time was just flying by . After dinner he told me that he needed to walk his dogs and asked if I wanted to join . I didn 't want the night to end so I went with him and his 2 dogs for a walk . He didn 't try anything . He was respectful and kind and gentle . All qualities I have been saying I want ( like my ex was ) and yet going out with the opposite of that . As soon as I left I got a bbm message saying " You looked absolutely beautiful tonight " . It was so sweet and simple and I finally was in a place where I was able to hear that form someone without dismissing him as a desperate nerd . He asked me to let him know when I got home safe and I couldn 't wait to get home to call him . His first question was " when am I taking you out again " . He was so assertive and confident and I jusPosted by Friday night I went to the rabbis house . He asked me how things were going and I told him that I had just gone on date 45 and it didn 't work out . I told him I had 5 more to go and then I could go and try to talk with my ex , if he would even talk to me . I told him that it made sense in my head and I had decided from the beginning that if 50 dates didn 't work out then that meant G - d wanted me to be with my ex . I told him that I was still unsure if I could be okay with marrying a non jew but that I couldn 't live like this anymore . I told him that after the next 5 I will have to make a decision and I am leaning towards just trying to make it work with him and just finding a way to be okay with the fact that we may not have such a Jewish home or my kids may not identify as strongly with Judaism . I told him I was not there yet but after the next 5 I would force myself to get there . The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do . Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months . I have been an absolute wreck . He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen . All I think about is what I should do about us . I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit . I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left . I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do . SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work . There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel . Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal . She told me a bit about herself . She was originally from my city and she was secular . When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family . I told her about my ex and my situation and thatB I caved and went back on jdate . He messaged me and added me to bbm . He seemed nice and his pictures were okay , nothing special . I met him in his area on Wednesday night , my only really free night during the week . We went out for coffee . I was getting so sick of these awkward coffee dates in the middle of the week . I forgot to put on heels which ended up being a very good thing because he was my height . He was very sweet but a bit awkward . It seemed like he was going through some sort of question check list with me . Almost like he had been coached about what to say and ask me . I had just come from a client and was very excited about the progress my client had made so I talked alot about what I do for a living . He told me in 2 brief sentences what he did . He does very well financially but his job sounds super boring . Even he agreed with that , lol . I spent a lot of time wishing I could like him . In theory he is a great guy I just felt nothing . I felt like I had become completely incapable of liking anyone . After the coffee shop closed he asked me if I would walk with him so I did . There was nothing particularly wrong with him I just so wasn 't feeling it . I didn 't really want to be there and the more I tried to force myself the worse it got . I finally told him that I needed to go cause it was getting late . He walked me back to my car , told me he had a great time and asked if we could do it again next week . I told him that this week is the week before my sisters wedding and I am going to be very busy with last minute things and out of town guests and told him that perhaps after the wedding I would be more available . He gave me an awkward hug and I left . He bbm 'd me right away . I guess in theory thats sweet unless you don 't like the person and then its a bit annoying . The next day he messaged me again saying that his friday night plans got canceled and wondered if I was free . I told him that Friday was no good cause I have shabbat dinner and then I am going to the rabbis house . A few days later he emailed me saying thaPosted by When I got home , I started my guy detox . I made it so that I had no one to come home to . I deleted all the guys that I flirted with and could fool around with . No one picked me up from the airport , no one missed me and there was no one I missed and wanted to run home to . I was single . Totally single . I don 't have a guy to go see a movie with to go to dinner with , to hang out with or someone I could even ask to be my date to my sister 's wedding . I have never been this single . And I think I am actually okay . In terms of Judaism . . . . I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously . I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat . I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex . There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment , screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe . The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life . Then I had a third idea . Why can 't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him . If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish . I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma . I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life . Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat . I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago . I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don 't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with . And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected . I can 't blame the perPosted by I don 't normally do this but Rachel asked me to post this in case I have any readers living in New York . It sounds like a very funny show and I wish I was in New York so that I could see it ! If you end up there , let me know how it was ! It sounds like it would be a perfect show for me , lol ! JEW WISHThe Comical Adventures of a single Jewish female on the worldwide web of datingA one - woman show written and performed by Rachel Evans Directed by Rachel EckerlingPart of the NY International Fringe FestivalTHE PLAYERS THEATRE115 Macdougal Street ( Between West 3rd and Bleecker ) Showtimes : SAT 8 / 14 - 10 : 00 PM SUN 8 / 15 - 6 : 15 PM MON 8 / 16 - 10 : 00 PMTUE 8 / 17 - 4 : 15 PM FRI 8 / 20 - 4 : 45 PMTickets : $ 15 / Advance , $ 18 / DoorTickets on sale at : http : / / www . fringenyc . org / basic _ page . php ? ltr = J # JewWisor 866 - 468 - 7619www . jewwishtheshow . com I am a 27 year old Jewish girl dating a non Jew . My mom does not want me to marry him and I don 't know what to do ! So I have challenged myself to 50 Jewish dates . . . Let 's see what happens ! If you have any questions , feel free to e - mail me 50jdates @ gmail . com ! |
This may very well be my last post on this blog for quite some time . It is a pregnancy journal , after all , and I do have another blog that is better suited to my everyday life ( har har … The Everyday Life of a Messy Housewife ) . However , because this is baby / postpartum related , I figured it fit better here . Erik is doing great - he is eating and sleeping really well and gives us a few hours every day of interaction , which seems to be pretty rare at this age . I know what they say about baby smiles - that any smile before a month of age isn 't a real smile - and I 've believed it in the past , because my kids definitely had gassy smiles and sleep smiles before they were a month old , but at a month , they looked me in the eye and grinned back at me . Erik has decided to break the rules ; I 'm not kidding you - he has smiled at me about four times now . I have said that you can tell a real smile because of the look in their eyes . They look right at you and their eyes smile along with their mouths . Well , that 's just what he has been doing . I can 't explain it , and you can argue all you want , but if you were his mother , you 'd agree with me ( I just wish someone else could see it so they 'd know what I 'm talking about ) . On the kid front , Jenny continues to ask where her " buddo Ewik " is and actually refers to him most of the time as " Ewik buddo " . Elias just calls him baby , although I think he 's been trying to say Erik and it comes out sounding like " owie " , which is hilarious . So far , neither of them has made him cry or tried to carry him around the house , although I 've been very careful to keep him with me or keep my eye on him all the time when he 's not in his bed away from them . A friend of mine told me a story about her kids that made me decide never to leave the room while Erik is laying on the couch or the floor - her older son was in the room after she changed her newborn 's diaper and she left to get something quickly in the other room . When she went back , the older boy had picked The other big thing around the house is that as soon as the kids got over their cold / cough , they got another one ! And now Erik has it ! Goopy eyes , coughs and runny / stuffy noses that I 'm wiping all the time and Jenny yelling from her room , " I need to blow my nose ! ! " in the middle of the night ( and ten seconds ago - hooray ! ) . I 've had a sore throat , but my cough is getting better and I don 't have symptoms of a cold like they do … I just hope it stays that way . The kids spent all day yesterday lying around watching movies while I wiped noses and read a book . I 'm so glad Erik has decided to be a good baby and sleep for long stretches between feedings . I don 't know what I would do if he was fussy like Elias was . So much for twenty minutes , I think I got about ten out of them . Oh , well . C ' est la vie . I meant to go into more , like the fact that I weaned myself off of ice , but apparently , I 'm out of time . Oh , yeah , I weaned myself off of ice . I 'll tell you about it sometime . So , no promises , but more than likely , I 'll be sticking to the other blog from now on ( at least until I 'm pregnant again , although then the address will be misleading , since it won 't be baby number three anymore ) . Well , off I go to be a mommy again ( unless my kids have gone back to sleep … oh , wouldn 't that be nice ? ! ) . After a long and not so comfortable pregnancy - okay , it was normal in length , but felt really long - and both of my previous deliveries not going my way , I was anxious to do this one on my own . While lots of women are pushing for induction at a week overdue just to get the kid out of them , I insisted on putting it off until twelve days past my due date , which was as long as my doctor would let me have . For a month before my due date , I was having increasingly uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions . The week before my due date , I was sure I was in labour at least once , only to have everything stop and go back to normal . On Tuesday , June 10th , when I was two days overdue , I went for my doctor 's appointment and expected to have my membranes stripped . Turns out , my cervix was not ripe at all and so it wasn 't possible . I went home figuring I would be back in another six days to try it again . The next morning , I lost my mucous plug and had a number of contractions , some very close together , throughout the evening . After a long night , I had Mike take me to the hospital Thursday morning . As soon as I got there , my contractions almost completely stopped . They weren 't showing up on the monitor and when the nurse checked me for dilation , she said nothing , which indicated to me that nothing was happening . The concern that day was that the baby was transverse and so I went back a few hours later for my doctor to check . As far as I can tell , the baby had moved in the two hours that I was not in the hospital , because when I went in on Thursday at noon , he was head down for sure . My doctor did an internal exam as well , and again , said nothing to me about dilation . The only thing I heard was her saying was that something was long , which I assumed was referring to my cervix , and that it wasn 't effaced yet . I went home feeling depressed and had a little cry over what I assumed meant another eight days of pregnancy . Friday went by pretty normal - it was a busy day , but after a hockey team barbeque and being at my in - laws until eleven , I felt pretty good . I was feeling a little bit strange physically , but not having many contractions . I had actually found that day that when I went to the bathroom , I would have a contraction almost every time . I worried that I might have a bladder infection , as I had heard that they could cause contractions and pain when using the bathroom . We went to bed late on Friday and I had about two hours of sleep when I woke up with a contraction . I had them five minutes apart for three hours and then was able to sleep between them for the next four hours . They were painful enough that I was breathing through them and using effleurage to deal with the pain . In the morning , I checked my cervix to see what I could feel and something was definitely different . Instead of feeling the neck , I just felt the edge of it , which I figured meant that those seven hours had at least gotten me effaced . I didn 't check any more than that , but I may have been somewhat dilated as well . My contractions more or less stopped when I got up and so I told Mike that we had to stay busy that day or I was going to go nuts . I figured that I would probably have the baby soon , but had no way to really tell and I had errands to run and cleaning to do in the house . I decided that if we could get a few things done at home and then have the kids nap at Mike 's parents while we went shopping , it would be a good way to stay busy . We finished up at home and went to his parents around three - thirty . We put the kids down for their nap , Mike had some steak and we left to get our shopping done . I was pretty tired and not feeling great when we got back to pick up the kids , so we didn 't stay for a long time . We had some dessert and left around seven - thirty . I had at least two or three bad contractions when I was at my in - laws , but nothing was regular . On the way home , we stopped at Safeway to get ice and against my better judgement , I went in to get it myself . Getting back out to the van , I was in a terrible amount of pain . We got home and Mike sat down to watch a movie with the kids . I heated up some food for myself and gave them some string cheese to snack on while I checked my email and did a few other things on the computer . I got up to go to the bathroom a little after eight and had a bad contraction when I was in there , so I decided to take a bath and see if it would make me feel a bit better . It felt good , but mostly just made me have more contractions . When I got out around eight thirty , I checked myself again and realized pretty quickly that I could feel a good sized circle of the baby 's head through the amniotic sac . At this point , my contractions were bad enough to make me cry , and I figured that this was a good sign that real labour was finally happening . Mike called his parents , who were already in bed , and we packed the kids up and took them over . They had not had supper and I felt bad about it , but there was no way I was taking the time to do it . It turns out that when they got to their grandparents , they went right to bed and slept through the night without ever eating anything . We got to the hospital around twenty to ten . Right away I was having contractions that the nurse said sounded like the real thing . After being on the monitor for awhile , she checked me and said I was four or five centimetres dilated , which meant , she said , that they were keeping me . Mike and I high - fived after she left - I was actually in labour ! I stayed in the same room for a short time and then went to the delivery room and got set up in there . It must have been ten - fifteen or so at that point and things were still slow but getting more intense . I was having intense back pain and the nurse suggested that the baby was posterior , so I got on my hands and knees to try to get the baby to flip . I 'm not sure that he ever did , but things did feel better after awhile , so he must have at some point . It seemed that the whole time I was in the delivery room , I would just get into a position that was comfortable and then I would have to pee . So I would move to get up , have a contraction , go the bathroom , have another contraction and then repeat it all going back to where I was . I spent some time in the shower , but found that while it felt great on my belly during a contraction , the rest of my body was getting too cold . Every time I changed positions at all , I would have a contraction , even if I was just at the end of one . Finally , I got back in bed and didn 't feel like getting up again . The nurse checked me and said that I was six or seven centimetres and while she was checking , she broke my water . She said that while I was having a contraction , there was a bulge in the amniotic sac and she just had to loop her finger into it to break it . Things went fast after that was done - I must have gone right to an eight in the next few minutes and soon , I was feeling a lot of pressure ; not quite the urge to push , but I knew it was close . When I mentioned it , the nurse checked me again , found that I was nine centimetres and a minute later , nine and a half , with just a lip of the cervix still there . They called the doctor , told me that she would be three minutes and that I should pant if I felt the urge to push . I think I had two or three contractions before my doctor got there and I was panting through the second half of every one . Finally , my doctor walked in and I was told that I could push . For some reason , unlike when I was in labour with Jenny and Elias , I didn I had no drugs during labour at all , so at this point , I was very aware of what was going on . The were checking the baby 's heart rate off and on , and during contractions , it was going down to 80 or 90 beats per minute . I k ew that this was a bad thing , but I wasn 't sure what to do about it . I l oked down at my doctor and heard her ask for Lidocaine . The nurse told her that I wanted to go without an episiotomy or tears , but my doctor said that the baby needed to be born and she was just going to have to get it out . I k ew right away that I had to do it if I wanted to escape without stitches . The had already seen the baby 's head at this point , so I knew it wasn 't long and with the next contraction , I finally gave it all my strength . Whe he crowned , they coached me through little pushes and panting to keep me from tearing . It as really hard not to just get it over with , but having experienced stitches after an episiotomy and then , when Elias was born , making it out with just a tiny tear , I knew it was worth it for my recovery . Ver soon after he crowned , I pushed his head out and then , even though I could have waited , I pushed his shoulders out as well . The cord was wrapped around his neck a bit , which explained his heart rate dropping . It as 12 : 46 am when he was born - I had been in the hospital about three hours and had only pushed for ten minutes . Ra Because of his cord being wrapped , no one said anything to me about whether the baby was a boy or a girl . I had felt like it was a girl , but when I sat up to see for myself , I said to Mike , " Oh , it is a boy ! " So many other people had said it was a boy , but I hadn 't really believed them . Mike had said during my labour that he was hoping for a boy , and I was glad to see that he had gotten his wish . It was amazing being so aware of what was going on that I could sit up to see him at the foot of the bed . I had asked to let the cord pulsate after the baby was born , so they put a towel on my chest and then laid him on top of me . It was amazing , as it always is , that I loved him so fully the moment I saw him . I held him for a few minutes until the cord was definitely done pulsating and then cut the cord myself . Mike had not interest in doing it , but my doctor asked if I wanted to , and I thought it might be a good experience . I wouldn 't jump at the chance to do it next time , but it was neat being so clear headed that I was able to do it . After I cut the cord , they took him and cleaned him up quickly and looked him over to make sure things were good . I think I actually heard his Apgar score mentioned ( which I never have with the other kids ) . My doctor said eight and something about his colour , but I didn 't really care . As soon as he was back with me , I nursed him and he stayed with me for at least forty - five minutes , nursing while I had a snack . He was very awake and making eye contact with both of us for most of the time . It was amazing , because Jenny and Elias were taken away much sooner and were not nearly as alert as Erik was . After he seemed to have enough to eat , Mike took him to have him bathed and weighed and the nurse cleaned me up and moved me to my room . At this point , it was close to two in the morning and I felt bad for my roommate in the bed across from me . Mike came back ten minutes or so later with the nurse and our new little boy . I quickly asked Mike how much he had weighed - I had been expecting a nine pound baby because when Jenny was eight days late , she weighed 9 lb 6 oz . Erik was a week late and after holding him , I knew he wasn 't as big as Jenny had been , but I still thought he had to be bigger than Elias was at birth - 7 lb 4 oz and two and a half weeks early . I had the second shock of the night ( the first being that he was a boy ) when I heard he was only 7 lb 1 oz ! I guess because our nephew was born 5 lb 8 oz so recently ( about five and a half weeks before ) , Erik just didn 't seem small . He was twenty inches long , half an inch shorter than both Jenny and Elias . Right away , we noticed that he had a completely different look than both of our kids . They had looked so different from each other that I thought our third would look more like one or the other . Erik has lighter skin like Jenny , but only a few similar features to Elias . He has lighter hair than both of them and much less than they both did when they were born . Mike went home around three in the morning and I slept off and on through the night , waking up to feed Erik once or twice before breakfast . Mike went to breakfast at his parents house before they went to church and then he came back to be with me . He snoozed on my bed holding Erik while I made phone calls to my family . When I was in labour , we were watching the clock to see if the baby would be born on Saturday or Sunday . When the hands moved past midnight , I knew that I 'd be giving Mike and our dads a great Father 's Day present . My dad had mentioned weeks ago that I should have the baby on Father 's Day , but I brushed the idea away because I didn 't want to be pregnant still . It was also nice being in the hospital Sunday afternoon , because the whole family came all at once to see us after they went to church . My doctor came Sunday morning and actually indicated that I could go home if I wanted to , but I knew that the rest in the hospital would be good for me . I did tell her that I definitely wanted to go home the next morning . With no tears or stitches , I felt really good right away . Monday morning , after a pretty good night 's sleep ( my roommate left Sunday before noon and I had the room to myself the rest of the time ) , Erik had his PKU blood test done and my doctor checked us out and gave us the go ahead to go home . We went home around ten in the morning - I wasn 't even in the hospital thirty - six hours this time ! So far , Erik has been a very happy baby . He eats really well and sleeps for long stretches . He 's also awake for long periods of time , which has been lots of fun for anyone who sees him . He has an intelligent look about him , like he 's really studying things and wondering about the world already . Right from the beginning , it has looked like he wanted to smile at us . I wouldn 't be surprised at all if he does it before he 's a month old . My recovery so far has been great , too . The pain I had after labour went away quickly and other than cramping while nursing , I have felt good since we came home . My milk came in during the night on Tuesday , which was just in time because Erik seemed to be needing more than he was getting . Other than the discomfort coming from some engorgement , my body does not feel like it just went through labour four days ago . This makes me look forward to any future deliveries - hopefully they 'll all be like this one ( or even shorter ) . The great thing is that even though it was a fast labour , it wasn 't really intense . My labour with Jenny was just barely longer than this one , but it was awful right from the beginning . I was very quiet during my labour this time and only yelled a bit when I was pushing . It felt good to have control like that over my reactions to the pain . So , that 's the story of Erik Michael , born June 15 , 2008 . His big brother and sister love him and the whole family thinks he 's pretty cute . I can 't wait to see what he 's going to be like as he grows up . To clarify : What went wrong with my labours before : Jenny was induced at eight days late and I was given demerol twice while in labour with her , once was way too late in my labour because the nurse thought I had hours to go when in fact it was much shorter than she expected . Because of this , Jenny was born with low oxygen levels and had to be woken up to feed ; she couldn 't be snuggled or held close for some time . I also felt incredibly drugged . I 've never been stoned , but I figure that 's what it feels like - it was an awful feeling being out of control . With Elias , I did make it to six centimetres on my own , without feeling anything , but then because his head was high , there was concern that if my water broke , the cord would be flushed out . After an ultrasound determined all of this , I spent six hours in bed labouring , only getting up to use the bathroom , the whole time attached to a monitor and an IV . I had the drug fentanyl during that labour and while it was not nearly as bad as the demerol , it only helped me to sleep a bit between contractions and didn 't seem to take any pain away anyway . So , based on those experiences , it was that much more important to me to do the whole thing on my own and I 'm so glad I did ! I said I wouldn 't post again until I had the baby , but that is because I thought I would have the baby on Wednesday or Thursday . It 's Friday now . No baby . Well , I 'm still carrying it around with me , but on the inside . Wednesday night I had pretty bad contractions , enough to convince me that I must be in labour . I was able to sleep through the night , although I woke up nearly every hour . In the morning , I kept having contractions and a bit more pink mucous . I finally decided that it was bad enough to go to the hospital . I couldn 't imagine going through the day like that and trying to take care of the kids . So we packed them up , drove them to Mike 's parents ' house and went to the hospital . I was put on the monitor for a good half hour and my contractions chose that half hour to stop being intense . A nurse felt around to find the baby 's position and then had another nurse come in to confirm what she thought she felt - that the baby was not head down . That 's just the news I was wanting to hear . So she called my doctor and had some sort of argument with her on the phone ( my doctor was sure the baby was head down on Tuesday ) , but convinced her to come in at noon to check me herself . So I packed up , sent Mike to work and went to pick the kids up . We went to Bible study for almost two hours and then I left and went back to the hospital by myself . My doctor came in and checked things out and said that the head was down . The nurse that had checked me earlier said that it now felt like it was and was significantly different than what she felt in the morning . She did an internal exam as well , said the head was high and didn 't say a word about whether I was dilated or anything . The only thing she said was " it 's nice and long " which I assume means my cervix is long . In other words , not dilated or effaced . So off I went again , picked the kids up and went home to try to have a decent afternoon . Another disappointing thing heard while in the hospital is that I probably lost my mucous plug and was bleedinPosted by Katie I had a dream last night that I lost my mucous plug and I was bleeding . I woke up , went to the bathroom and there was nothing . Drat . I went back to bed , slept for another hour or so and went to the bathroom again . Nothing . Then I ate breakfast , went through my routine with the kids and checking email , etc . and went to the bathroom again ( gotta love a pregnant bladder ) and what do you know ? Something ! A nice bit of mucous that had to be my mucous plug and blood - red blood . I 'm being descriptive again . Just you wait , after this kid is born , you 'll all be cringing at my descriptions of labour . The thing is , if it 's false labour and there is bleeding , it is usually brown . This is definitely not brown . And yes , it can mean that labour is still a day or more away , but still - this means that I should have the baby by the end of the week , rather than having to go through having my membranes stripped or being induced . I literally just prayed for this specific thing moments before I went to the bathroom and made my discovery - God is listening ! So here 's hoping that today will be the day . Apparently , my child decided that coming during the first ten days of the month wasn 't going to happen , but if it 's born today , all three of my kids will have been born on Wednesdays , which I think is pretty cool . You know me , I get joy out of silly things like that . Now the hard part is knowing when to go to the hospital . I 'm not having regular contractions , but rather lots of cramps . I guess I just wait it out at this point . I called Mike and let him know something was happening , and called my mother - in - law to put her on alert for the day . So now I just hope it wasn 't in vain and I don 't have to wait until tomorrow . Oooooh , there 's a nice crampy contraction . Yikes . Let 's just hope I don 't wait too long and end up delivering on the floor in my living room ( or . . my bed or couch , etc . ) . A whole bunch of nothing . Well , so far anyway . I feel sort of silly now for calling Mike and his mom since I haven 't had any indication that anything is going to happen today . I did some work around the house , kept the kids entertained , called my sister , made lunch and went for a walk and still not much of anything . Including more bleeding . The thing is , it seems that if I lost my mucous plug weeks before having the baby , it wouldn 't be so red , it would be brown - ish . Maybe I 'm wrong , but I sincerely hope that I 'm not . It 's okay if this kid doesn 't come until tomorrow or Friday … or sometime before Monday , but if it waits that long , I 'm pretty sure my doctor won 't have any trouble stripping my membranes , and that was something I wasn 't looking forward to . Maybe I 'll have the baby tonight and look back on this and laugh later . I totally did this when I was pregnant with Elias , actually . On the 5th of September , I had some bleeding and then contractions in the evening . When I went in to the hospital , I wasn 't effaced or dilated at all . The next morning , I was giving up and deciding that I 'd just stay pregnant until I was overdue ( since that was still two and a half weeks before my due date ) . Elias was born before seven that night . One of the reasons I 'm waiting to go into the hospital is that when I went in with him , I was six centimetres dilated and they put me on pitocin to get things moving . I was then stuck in a bed for six hours . I really really don 't want that to happen again . Sorry if I 've mentioned this before , but I feel pretty strongly about it . So I 'm waiting for something drastic to happen - my water to break or my contractions to get really bad . Half of the things I read about losing your mucous plug say that if it 's tinged with red blood , or if you have show that is red or pink ( rather than brown ) , labour will start within twenty - four hours . Other sources have said that it could mean labour is still weeks away . At least I know that 's not right . If this kid isn 't Posted by Katie Well , it might be . I 'm not making any promises either way . Today I am two days late and having my membranes stripped . I 'm not looking forward to this procedure , but I am seriously hoping that it works to get my labour started . There are lots of different ways to look at it , and it 's not my ideal start to labour , but if it works and helps me to avoid being induced when I 'm ten or twelve days late , I 'll be happy . If it doesn 't work today , we 'll try again in a week . My hope is that if it doesn 't work , I 'll have the baby before we have to try it again . The best way to describe it , making conclusions from what I 've read , is that it feels like a very very thorough cervical exam . For those of you who have been nine months pregnant and had a cervical exam ( during labour or not ) , it 's not very comfortable anyway . Rather than just reaching in there to see if you 're dilated , though , the doctor reaches in there and spends a few minutes pushing things around . Ouch . I 'm thinking of taking some tylenol pre - appointment , although I 'm not sure if it would do any good . I actually have this hope that my labour will start before my appointment and that when she goes to do it , she 'll find that I 'm four centimetres dilated or something . I 'm pretty certain that this isn 't going to happen , but a girl can hope . The other thing I wanted to share is a picture . I recently put up pictures of myself on Facebook and MySpace that made me look gigantic . My sister - in - law said that they weren 't very true to life , but exaggerated by the shirt I was wearing . So I had Mike take more last night , hopefully for the last time in this pregnancy . There 's one I 'm particularly proud of that I took of just my belly . You can actually see the curve of my back and the wall behind me , so I don 't actually look so huge for once . Anyway , I think that 's what I 'll end on . Hopefully my next entry will include a picture of a baby outside of the womb . My cervix is not ripe . This basically means that my membranes could not be stripped , because my doctor couldn 't get a finger into my cervix ( I know , descriptive , but I happen to know that the majority of my readers are women who have had children , so I don 't care ) . She 'll try again next week , on Monday afternoon , and if that doesn 't work , my induction is scheduled for Friday , June 20th at 8 : 00 in the morning . Woohoo . I desperately hope that I have this kid before I have to be induced . Meanwhile , when I dropped the kids off to my mother - in - law , she said I could just leave them there and she 'd bring them home around four . So they 're having lunch and napping over at her house which leaves me the rest of the day to do whatever . I 'm thinking I 'll go nuts on the nesting ( is it nesting if you know you 're doing it and would rather be taking a nap ? ) in the hopes that I 'll make myself go into labour . At this point , I think I 'd do almost anything . It doesn 't mean anything , it doesn 't mean anything . A due date is just another day in the lives of most pregnant women . Only a very small percentage of women deliver on their due dates . So I 'm going to get over it . Meanwhile , my father - in - law says to hold it in tomorrow because it 's their anniversary . If I remember right , my aunt actually said she would think it was pretty neat if I had the baby that day ( my aunt and uncle share the same anniversary - year and day - with my in - laws ) . However , my mother - in - law is quite busy tomorrow , but said that the rest of the week , she can cancel almost everything she has booked if it 's necessary . She 's going to keep the kids when ( if ) I go in Tuesday to have my membranes stripped . I thought it was a good idea just in case something happens really quickly , which I would love . I 'm trying to think positively and assume that it 's going to work and that I 'm going to have the baby on Tuesday or Wednesday . Of course , with my luck , it probably won 't work , but it 's always a good idea to be optimistic . I think . Yesterday was , I hope , the last weekend day I get stuck with the kids most of the day without much help . We spent the morning running errands and then Mike went to play Axis and Allies at his parents . It 's a very long game , so I was home from just before one until five without Mike . Fortunately , the kids slept for almost three hours and I had a nap as well , and then we drove over to have supper with the family . I expected a nice relaxing evening , but then everyone wanted to play tennis , so we ended up at the courts being bombarded by mosquitos while the kids played in puddles and soaked themselves . Because we drove separately and Mike 's friend needed a ride home , I made it home first and immediately put the kids in the bath . The night wasn 't so bad in the end and we did get to bed early , but I was wiped out at the end of the day . I felt like falling asleep in church this morning and of course had to tell a dozen different people that today was my Until the baby is born , I 'm going to try to write as much as I can , seeing that this is technically a " pregnancy " journal , and therefore will end when I 'm not pregnant anymore . I 'll go back to my messy housewife blog , but I can 't promise any regular frequency since I will have a new baby . I 've actually been trying to decide what to do with this blog , since I titled it " baby number three " and can 't exactly change that . I should have thought ahead , but there 's not much I can do about that now . Once again , I do really seriously hope that this is my last pregnant entry , but you just never know . Apparently my uterus was offended at the letter I wrote and it decided to get me back last night . I had the usual hour or so of contractions after supper when I started feeling cooped up and decided to take a walk . Mike was watching Jumanji with the kids , so it was a good opportunity to go out by myself and see if I could get something happening . I made it half a block when I was already feeling mighty uncomfortable and by the time I got halfway into my walk , I was stopping pretty frequently to bend over or squat to relieve some of the pain . I sat down on a bus stop bench about a block from home to rest and then dragged myself the rest of the way . Mind you , this was not a terribly long walk - I didn 't walk miles or anything , just a few blocks ( okay , I don 't really know how far I walked and I lost track of time , so I can 't even relate that information ) . I got home , collapsed into the rocking chair and spent the next half hour or forty - five minutes breathing and groaning and complaining about my pain . We put the kids to bed in the middle of all that and I still felt pretty bad . Mike went out to mow the lawn and I sat at the computer most of the time he was outside . Little by little , my ridiculously painful Braxton Hicks contractions went away . We went to bed somewhat early , although it took me ages to fall asleep because of my ribs . Today , I 'm tired , nauseated , still having contractions and absolutely no signs that they are " real " contractions . My half hearted joke from yesterday is still floating in my head : " Let 's get on with the bloody show ! " Yeah , Mike didn 't even really laugh , but he 's the one who asked if I was having any yet . I 'm starting to look forward to Tuesday , when I may very well give birth almost on my own . I would still love to have the baby before then , but I 'm having doubts . Meanwhile , the kids decided today would be a good day to be clingy , argumentative ( in the way that a three year old and twenty - one month old can be ) and demanding . At the moment , they 're quietly eating lunch and watching Rugrats for the second time today ( yeah , I 'm weak ; movies are too easy ) . When they 're done , they 'll have a nap and I can lay down or manically clean things , depending on what mood strikes me . What I would really like is one of two things : to go into labour right now or to let someone else deal with the kids for the rest of the day while I climb into bed and feel sorry for myself . And maybe sleep . It seems that I 'm more likely to go into labour than for someone to magically show up at my house just begging to watch my kids . Maybe after the baby is born , but not now . Poor me . Poor pregnant me . First of all , thank you for carrying my two children for me and for holding on to this little one now . Thank you for keeping them safe and warm and not rejecting them or doing anything silly like falling out of me like cow 's wombs sometimes do . I imagine it would be uncomfortable for both you and me . Thank you for putting up with all my poking and prodding ( as well as that of my doctor ) and times when I haven 't been so nice to you ( going nuts with the housework and taking long walks that make you tense up so badly ) . Really , I am thankful , but I have one small request to make . Could you maybe settle down a bit and not bug me so much until you 're actually ready to release the child inside you ? I mean , I thought maybe we were headed somewhere Tuesday night when you were contracting every three minutes and making me stop eating my supper to focus on breathing right . I thought maybe it was the real thing when I was almost groaning in discomfort for two hours on Wednesday afternoon . I know we 've been here before and I know that my mind likes to try to trick me sometimes , too , but I 'm a little bit confused as to why you persist in torturing me so . I mean , do I really need four months of Braxton Hicks ? Do I need a month of double me over false contractions ? I don 't really think so . I guess that 's your call , though , and since I can 't exactly do anything to make you change , all I can do is to beg you to let up a little bit . Or get on with it and get the kid out of me . Whatever . That 's up to you . Thanks for considering my request . I 'll be waiting for a response - or a lack of response . Mike mentioned the other day that even though I 'm sick of being pregnant , I will have the baby this month . It 's one nice thing about being due when I am - I can only really go two weeks late , and that 's still June , so there you have it . I had my appointment today and found out something pretty shocking - I have gained about six pounds in the last week . Yeah , no kidding . I have noticed more back pain and feeling like I 'm suddenly huge , so my suspicion is that the baby and the boobs have grown . At least that 's what I 'm hoping . I 'm also hoping that I have the baby soon , because I did the math , and I 've now gained about thirty - three pounds during my pregnancy . My doctor actually made the first weight related comment today when she said that I was on target for how much I could gain during pregnancy , if I had the baby today . And then she told me not to have the baby today , because the whole hospital , maternity ward included , is packed . When I went for my first appointment in October , the nurse told me that June was a busy month . I mentioned this to my doctor and she said that she has thirteen ! maternity patients due this month . Yikes ! ! And I 'll remind you that this is not a big city . This is Fort St . John , population 18 , 000 - ish . If I remember correctly , the year Jenny was born , someone told me that we have the highest birth rate per capita in British Columbia . For our population , we were having about 250 babies per year , while Metro Vancouver , population around 2 million , was having 1000 babies per year . Yeah , our population is a fraction of the size of theirs and we are having a quarter of the number of babies they are . I 'm sure my statistics aren 't perfect and are somewhat out of date , but still . That 's crazy . Add to that the fact that our hospital is ancient and sucks in a lot of ways , and well , it 's just a lovely place to have a baby . Anyway , she said , " Don 't have the baby today . " I wonder if tomorrow would be okay . It would help me keep up with the Wednesday , first ten days of tFiled in children , doctor 's appointment , pregnancy · Tags : birth rate , family , induction , kids , pregnancy , thirty - nine weeks 1 Comment » Tick tock … I was going to say something about counting the days , now that I 'm down to less than a week before my due date . Then I realized that due dates don 't mean much and the less I think about it , the better off I 'll be . I really , really don 't want to be overdue , but I was with Jenny and it doesn 't seem like this kid is making any effort to move out yet , so I may very well go past my due date . I made it through Jenny 's birthday without giving birth , so one goal has been accomplished . Not that I would have minded having the baby a few days before her birthday , but I was a little afraid that I would have it on her birthday and then my poor kids would have to share a birthday forever . I never have thought that was very fair - it 's similar in my mind to kids born on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day . It becomes very hard to celebrate one without the other and people often end up combining the two to save time and / or money . I know , Jenny 's birthday will be quite close to the baby 's , but at least it won 't be on the same day . My goal right now is to also make it through today without going into labour , since my sister - in - law 's baby shower is tonight . However , after it 's over , I 'm starting in on the self - induction stuff big time . The baby is head down and I think pretty low , I 'm full term and healthy - there 's no reason that I can see not to try to get things going myself . Number one on the list of things to try - nipple stimulation . ( I bet that phrase will get me some unintentional links from search engines . ) I have never used this method in past pregnancies , but a friend of mine said that the one OBGYN we have in town recommended it to her , so I figure it 's a safe bet . It can bring on really strong contractions , so women are supposed to be careful , but I 'm not too worried . It will either work or it won 't . The What to Expect book has a brief blurb in it that says women who started doing it at 39 weeks were much less likely to go past their due dates . That 's enough motivation for me . There are lots of other things I can try , but I 've done most of them and none of them have worked for me in the past . I do want to try to go walking a bit more often as I know it 's good for me , but I 'm not expecting that to push me into labour . And castor oil - something one of my friends swears by and has used , I believe , in all four of her pregnancies - is just way too gross for me . Not only do I hate the thought of swallowing oil , but the effects of it are just not what I want to start labour with . Yeah , let 's spend hours on the toilet emptying out our insides while having strong contractions . Um , no thanks . Meanwhile , the ribs still hurt , but I 'm getting used to it . They are making sleep a bit more difficult , as I think I wake up a bit every time I roll onto my left side . Of course , at this point , I 'm waking up nearly every two hours to pee anyway , so what difference does it make ? I still hurt pretty bad when I sneeze , but I think the cold is going away , so it 's not happening all that often now . I haven 't iced them in a few days and I stopped taking Tylenol , so things must be better . Yesterday was a huge day , but somehow we got through it and didn 't feel totally awful at the end of it . Church in the morning , lunch on the way home , a short nap for the kids , I made a cake and then we had Jenny 's party . We quickly cleaned up after everyone left and ran over to Mike 's company barbeque , where at least we were fed and I didn 't have to be on my feet much at all . Most people are pretty sympathetic to hugely pregnant women , and the hostess actually recruited one of her daughters to keep the kids entertained for some of the time . I expected that we might be there for some time , but by twenty after six , things were wrapped up and the kids were acting pretty grumpy , so we decided to go to a communion service at church . Friends of ours were doing childcare , so I at least was assured that bringing the kids wouldn 't be a bad idea . They got to play with their friends ( who were at the birthday party , too ) and we got to sit in one place for awhile . After that , Mike 's parents were going to McDonald 's , and while we do not buy things or eat things there as a rule , they do have a nice play area , so we headed over after getting drinks for ourselves elsewhere . The kids got to play some more and by the time we got home at nearly nine o ' clock , they were quite obviously in need of sleep . Jenny just had to play with her new toys first , but after fifteen minutes , we got them to bed . I then had some cleaning up to do and Mike took the time to remove all the junk from our room and put it back in the laundry room ( that was how he cleaned it up so that people could come from the backyard into the house … our room was full of laundry room mess ) . I put in some laundry , made Mike a lunch and then read and slept until Mike came to bed . I got a foot massage out of him before we went to sleep , which was a nice treat . It must have been the shoes I was wearing , but my right foot hurt so bad I was walking funny before bed . Anyway , today is my day " off " . So far , I have folded laundry and cleaned up a few things in the kitchen , but I 'm not planning to be terribly productive , just because I wore myself out so badly yesterday . I have movies and books from the library and the kids have new toys and a clean room to play in , so they 're likely to stay entertained pretty easily today . Tomorrow , when I feel like going into labour would be nice , I can start back on things around the house , with hope that cleaning might get things going for me . My big triumph of the day yesterday was the cake I made for Jenny . It was a boxed cake mix ( I had to compromise somewhere ) but with homemade filling and icing . I did a layer of raspberry puree with some sugar and cornstarch to thicken it and a layer of whipped cream in the middle of two layers of chocolate cake . I iced it with pink butter cream frosting and decorated with candy . I have made Jenny 's cakes in the past few years , but this one is definitely my favourite so far . I did some piping on it and really enjoyed that part - it may be something I do more often . Here 's a picture ( yes , I 'm showing off : ) ) : |
This will be my last post of the year . My last post of the decade actually . I have decided that with the start of the New Year will bring some changes . I am going to try to be even more frugal that I already am . I am going to set limits for myself when it comes to spending . The first goal is to go 2 weeks without spending a dime and as that nears I will see if I can do it another week and so on . I am going to cook and freeze some meals ( hoping this will force us to eat out less than we do ) . Not sure though if I will freeze in individual serving portions or family style . Kris doesn 't eat many meals at home with his work schedule being the way it is . I have already started being a bit more thrifty , I turned the heat down in the house by 2 degrees . Granted that is not a lot but it is a start to cutting the bills down . I am sure I will add more to the ways of being thrifty as this year goes on so if I find something that seems helpful I will be sure to post . We stopped at the mall yesterday to see the Big Man himself . Zack was excited for all of a minute then his mood changed and he wanted no part of going up to Santa . So Santa came down off this throne and walked over to Zack . The conversation started in the line and then moved so Santa could sit and a picture could be taken . They talked all about Thomas the train but Zack never did tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas . We were able to get a good picture on the first shot . I really did not want to push my luck much longer with attempting to take anymore pictures . I really don 't think Zack would have gone for that . So here he is visiting Santa There are two Christmas tree lots not far from our house . Every time we head out to the store Zack wants to pass them to make sure the Snowmen and Santa inflatables are still there and are up . One of the Santa inflatables is holding a list . On one particular day when Zack was not being a very good boy I told him it was Santa 's naughty list and I saw his name on it . So every time we pass it he asks if his name is on it . Tonight when we passed it Kris asked Zack if his name was on the naughty list , when Zack told him no Kris asked why he thought his name was not on the naughty list . Zack 's response was " I can 't tell you dad , it is a secret . " I got a chuckle out of that . It snowed yesterday which is a once every few years kind of thing around here . I learned a long time ago that if it is snowing , get out in it that day or it will be gone by tomorrow . Once there was enough on the ground to cover it , I bundled Zack up and we went out to play in it . Who cares we were the only ones out on the block . Who cares we could not see much because it was dark . Who cares other peoples children were already snug in there beds ? We had a blast . Zack made snow angels , threw more snow balls at me than I can count . Knocked the snow off everything he could possibly reach , and then refused to help me make a stack of snowballs to bombard Kris with when he finally came home . As a matter of fact the little stinker stole more than half of them and threw them at me . It was the best snowball making snow I have seen in a long time . It was just perfect packing snow . When Kris did come home we had a little snowball fight as soon as he was getting out of the car . He never saw it coming . ( Insert Evil laugh here ) . I finally convinced Zack to throw snowballs at Kris and not me . Once he did , I heard Kris give a little yell . Apparently Zack got him with a snowball and it went down the back of his pants . ( Insert more Evil laughter here ) . The snowball fights ended when my dear husband nailed me right in the glasses ! That hurt . I did yell at him and eventually he will get over it but darn it , you can hit me in the shoulder , the back , the stomach , the back of my head anywhere but the darn glasses ! Here is a picture for your viewing pleasure of my little snow angel catching flakes on his tongue . Zack helps out a lot in the kitchen , he loves to help cook , and bake . On the few occasions we tell him he can not help out , he gets upset and says " But you have to let me help you because I 'm the Chef " . It is not always a pretty sight when he is done but he does at least attempt to taste whatever he has created . Here he is licking the beater when he made a pie . And here is the aftermath . I told you it wasn 't always pretty . He did enjoy it though . It has been a rough few days around here and it still continues . Zack still has the ' sickies ' . I took him to the doctor on Friday and was told it is an upper respiratory infection . The doctor expected his fever to break that day , but it did not . Right now it appears the fever has finally broken but I am not holding my breath . The coughing started on Friday morning and is wreaking havoc on him . At times it gets so bad he busts out crying because he spit up phlegm . The nose is stuffy and not really running . He doesn 't like the medicine the doctor gave him but he is taking it as long as he knows he can have a taste of water afterward . This morning he slept in until nearly ten . Amazing because he is normally up between six and seven . He woke up full of energy , no fever and generally back to himself . I will admit I was thinking great maybe except for some coughing we can get back to normal now . Kris made him breakfast , he ate some but not all . I was okay with that and told him he could get down from the table . Not more than two minutes later he came over to me started coughing and got sick all over himself and me ! Once he was cleaned it happened again . Now he is resting comfortably on the couch with the TV tuned to Disney channel . I really hope this is over soon , I don 't know how much more I can take . I did ask him when I was cleaning him up why he always feels the need to get sick on me ? How come daddy never gets hit ? I did not receive an answer . Kiki is a new member of our household . Well at least he is until Christmas . One night while Zack was off brushing his teeth , the doorbell rang he and Kris raced to see who was outside our door at 8 : 30 at night . When they opened the door no - one was there . That was strange . Until Zack looked down on the porch , there was a box , a lonely box just waiting to be picked up and opened . The first thing we noticed was a cute little elf on the box . When we opened it , that same cute elf was inside ! Oh the excitement of having an elf in our house . We quickly read the book that came with the elf and found out we aren 't supposed to touch him or he looses his magic . Every night while we are sleeping he flies back to the North Pole and chats with Santa to let him know if * we are being naughty or nice . This cute little elf was named Kiki . Every morning we wake up and Kiki has found a new spot to sit and hang out for the day . Did you know elves can see through walls ? They can hear everything no matter how far away from them you are , almost like a mom : ) Poor Kiki fell off from his perch the other day . It was a terrible thing . Zack came running downstairs all upset that Kiki was on the floor . When I went to pick him up Zack yelled at me not to touch him because he did not want Kiki to loose his magic . I had to convince him that the big man would want us to pick him up and he would not loose his magic powers because we were doing a good thing . Kiki has since picked better places to hang out so he doesn 't fall down again . I wonder how disappointed Zack is going to be when Kiki goes back to the North Pole and doesn 't return again until next year . * when I say we , I really mean Zack ! It is annoying when a 3 year old is looking through a toy catalog and you hear the I want this and this and this . He isn 't understanding the concept of greed yet but I am working on it . I will probably be working on it until he is an adult but that is a whole other story . Anyway he is going page by page in the catalog and when he finds something that really interests him not only does he want it he tells me how much it cost . This morning he was browsing again when I heard " Mom , I really want this and it is only 49 and a half , nine nine cent . " I will admit it took me a minute or two to figure out that meant $ 49 . 99 . He does not understand the value of money and I understand that it means nothing to him but darn the cost of these toys are amazing . Now what I really want to know is what ever happened to cheap toys ? Come on fifty dollars for a piece of plastic that is going to be broken in a few weeks ? What are we in for when the teenage years hit ? Zack woke up this morning crying . When I went to him he was burning up . Poor little guy has a 102 . 4 fever . He was crying pretty hard which I think is what caused him to throw up . . . all over me . After he threw up he made sure to let me know " Mommy , I don 't like the sickies . " I can 't say I blame him . Why is it I seem to get the brunt of it when he is sick ? Shortly after he got sick , I started feeling queasy . It never fails , he and I get sick within hours of each other . I do not have much energy but no matter what his temperature is he still seems to have enough energy to play . Normally there are children 's Cd 's playing the whole time we are in the car . Today I said " It 's mine turn to listen to something I want to hear " . On the way to pick Kris up for lunch the song ' Save a Horse , Ride a Cowboy ' came on . Zack and K were in the backseat just rockin out . As we pulled into the parking lot of Kris ' job my child yells at the top of his lungs " Lets blow the roof off this place ! " and he continued to clap and car dance . I couldn 't help myself I was laughing hysterically . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Out of the blue Zack comes out with " Mommy , my Grandma is shrinking . " I had no clue where or why it came out so I asked him why she was shrinking . He replied " She shrinking ' cause I am growing . " ( He is wise beyond his years ) When I told Kris about it , he started to chuckle and Zack came out with " Grandma just doesn 't have it . " I asked him what Grandma doesn 't have and he said " The growing stuff " . * * So Mom , I guess it is official you are done with your growing years . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Zack was put in time out for hitting K with a pillow . After I deemed that enough time had passed I told him to come out of time out and go apologize to K . As he was hightailing it of the time out zone he turned around , looked at me and said " So I guess apologize means I have to say sorry . " I guess I forget he is a small person and doesn 't always know what the big words mean . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Zack : " Mommy what time are G and S getting here ? " Me : " Somewhere around dinner time . " Zack " Does that mean they are going to drive in circles ? " Oops , again I need to word things better for him . We started to decorate our Christmas tree the other night . The bad thing is I can not for the life of me find the hooks to hang the ornaments so I need to get to the store , buy more ( which no doubt means I will find the others as soon as I get home ) , then we will finish decorating it . The ones that have something built into them to hang from the tree are already on . In typical tot fashion we have a heavy concentrated band of ornaments at the bottom of the tree . Nothing like the younger generation getting to see and enjoy all the ornaments at their eye level and leaving us older folks with a bare tree to look at . While putting those ornaments on the tree Kris was trying so hard to guide Zack into putting some up higher , it wasn 't working out so well . I can 't wait to see what it looks like when it is complete . lolOh and for what it is worth , at some point in my childhood I was given some information that is not correct and I would like to clear it up now . The word is ornaments . I was always told to pronounce it like it is spelled but in the world of Zack the correct way to pronounce it is " Ottoments " . I have not been in all that great of a mood lately so I haven 't posted anything . I figured it was better to not say anything at all than to say something I might regret later . I am very frazzled lately . This darling child of mine that I speak about often is to the point of driving me straight to the mental institution . He is driving at a rate of speed that would make any police officer give chase . I am thinking that the only way things are going to get better at this point is for me to run and hide . Anyone have any frequent flyer miles they want to get rid of ? I think the best place for me to hide is Hawaii where I could sit on the beach for a week , a month , a year , whatever it takes : ) I gave my husband my Christmas list last week and apparently he did not see the humor in it . I asked for a maid , a nanny , and a rich old man . Now why can he not see these things as being important ? For crying out loud he calls me princess , you would think he would want me to be treated as such . I am hoping for a change in attitude around this place so I can get back to my normal self ( what is normal though ? ) real soon . Last night we went to Toys R Us . I went to try to pick up a few things that they were having a good sale on and also to have Zack try out bikes since Santa plans on leaving one under the tree . As for the great sales , I was able to get two of the four things I went for . I would say that is not bad at all for the amount of people crowded in that store . Now the bike situation is what really upset me ! Yes , I was upset I wanted to cry right there in Toys R Us . My little guy is only three years old , just a baby for crying out loud . This kiddo still needs his mama but somewhere along the line he has grown so much that he completely bypassed the toddler bike size ! He got on a 12 " and started pedaling around the bike area , his poor knees were practically hitting the handle bars with each pedal . In other words he would probably only get about a month or so of use from the bike before having to move on up . When he climbed on the 16 " he fit perfectly . He took off like he 's been riding big bikes like that forever . I stood there in the middle of the aisle wanting to cry . When did my baby get so damn tall ? We then tried helmets on , that did me in ! Lets just say he has a noggin like his father . We tried the ones that say ages 3 + . . . ha what a joke . Poor kid could not even get it on his head , it just sat on top . Then we tried the ages 5 + . . . now I am just shaking my head . Poor kid could just barely squeeze into it so it could not have been comfortable . Then came the ages 8 + . . . I am nearly in tears here , the helmet fit perfectly . When did this happen ? The worst thing about the size of my baby , he is like any other 3 year old . He wants the cute helmet with the bright colors , the one with the favorite character , the one any other 3 year old would choose but no , my babies noggin will be covered with something black , red , gray , with skulls or skateboarding stuff on it because that is all that fit him ! I will be searching a lot to find something cute in his size because I refuse to dress my little one like he is older . The other night we went over to Davids house for a visit . While there David and Lilly cooked dinner so we all sat down to eat . Zack did his usual ' I don 't like this ' and ' I don 't want to eat ' . Blah blah blah . After he ate all the meat and the corn , I told him to eat a few ' spoonfuls ' of the mashed potatoes . Let me just say it now . . . Zack 1Mom 0He looked at me so seriously and said " Mom , I only have a fork . " How silly of me to think he could possibly eat a few spoonfuls when he didn 't even have a spoon ! I tend to forget he takes things exactly as they are spoken . You Sir have been schooled ! Schooled by a three year old . ( Insert hilarious laughter here ) . Zack is definitely a creature of habit . This is a good thing on so many levels . He likes things done the same way which quite frankly makes things easier for me . There is a down side though . The down side is you are doing the same thing over and over again . You play with the same toys over and over again , you eat at the same place over and over again , you read the same books over and over again . Speaking of books , I have read the same book every night for the past week . I have read that same book in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon . I must admit I am a bit tired of it . Getting ready for bed I told Zack to pick another book because I was tired of reading that one . So he chose two books , that one and another . I tried hard to convince him to pick another book but but Mr . creature of habit would not budge . Rather than anyone get upset I told him I would read the new book and daddy would read the dreaded one . He was good with that . I read the new book then it was daddies turn . First page down , all good . The second page daddy did not fair so well . Zack could probably recite that entire book without ever opening it so he knows when you miss a word or insert your another one . After getting through the second page and being corrected twice by a three year old Zack took the book away from Kris and gave it to me without saying a word . Yes I did finish reading that book to him much to my dismay . I do have to say it was such a hilarious thing to see my son correcting his father who was trying to skip some words and inserting others . Kris I think you better start paying attention and read the books word for word . That son of ours is smarter than the average bear and he will correct you every chance he can . I know you are not much of a reader but Zack is . Embrace it now because it is a fleeting thing , once he learns to read himself , he will no longer need or want us to be there reading to / with him . Zack made his first pitcher of Kool Aid today . I do not usually buy Kool Aid but there was a packet in the pantry so I figured what the heck . He likes lemonade and this pink lemonade so I am sure he would get a kick out of making it . He slid the chair over to the kitchen counter , he waited ( impatiently I might add ) for me to get the sugar out of the pantry . He dumped in the packet , he dumped in the sugar and he carefully poured the water in . He took the spoon and he mixed , being careful not to spill any . He gets done mixing and says " What do I do now mom ? " When I told him he needed to taste it to make sure it was perfect , he held that spoon steady until he sucked every last drop off of it . No sooner did he finish making his Kool Aid when the phone rang . It was my mother so he proceeded to tell her all about his Kool Aid making experience . Once he finished telling her he added ' and that makes me a chef ' . So to all of you who claim you are not a chef , I must tell you that you are wrong . Now get in the kitchen start making something . Go ahead you can do it . Wow , I know November 11 every year is Veterans day . A day to honor our military both past and present but I honestly had no idea of why or how this day of all days was the chosen date to honor our men and women in uniform . So today I learned something new . In 1918 on the eleventh day of the eleventh month at the eleventh hour an end was declared for World War One . It was originally known as Armistice Day and it was meant to honor our soldiers returning from war . Somehow throughout the years it transformed into honoring all our military soldiers . So today I will say a great big Thank You to all our soldiers . Past , Present and Future . Thank you for all you do in serving our country and protecting all those who live in it ! I saw Zack walking around in the kitchen with a cup in his hand so I asked him what he was drinking . I figured he would tell me water since he can get that on his own . He told me " Lemonade " as if I was nuts for asking . I did not realize Kris had given him some or I never would have asked . Mr . Polite asked me if I wanted a taste so when I declined he insisted I try it that it was really good . Now I don 't particularly care for Lemonade at all but who could resist a little one trying so hard to be nice and share his drink with you . I took the smallest sip possible , you know the one when the liquid just barely touches your lips . I handed his cup back to him told him Thank you but I really don 't like Lemonade . He seemed very insulted and let me know that is was really good . I asked him what Lemonade was made out of . Insert ' Mom your so dumb look here ' . " Mom Lemonade is made out of water , sugar and Oranges " . I guess I need to spend a bit more time in the kitchen with him , he seems to be a bit confused . You know your child watches too much of a certain movie when he starts quoting it . While driving in the car from the back seat you hear " turn and pull , turn and pull . " Laughter ensues . Sitting in a restaurant patiently waiting for your meal , you hear " Wait for it . . . ALIENS , Oh Snap . " More laughter . Walking around the grocery store I hear " Audiences love . . . Aliens . " So I join in and we laugh . Sitting at the table eating dinner we hear a noise from outside ( wind knocking over something on the porch ) , I hear " Oh no Mom it must be the green eyed man . " I just roll my eyes . This child is currently obsessed with the movie Bolt . The minute he wakes up in the morning he wants to watch it . If he gets bored during the day he asks to watch it . Let me just say it is very hard trying to convince him to go do something else when he is in the mindset of watching it . I refuse to turn it on more than once a day . I even have reservations about it being on once a day but it sure does make for some fun moments later on when we are least expecting it . This day is not going so well . I knew it was going to be a long day because Zack was going to be up early , very early . I fell asleep late last night only to be woken up at 3 am from a child crying " Help , Help Me " . It is hard to run upstairs when you aren 't quite awake . Once I was in his room he said ( and I quote ) I am ready to get up . " ' What the heck are you thinking waking me up at 3 am as if you are in pain or something is wrong ? Are you flipping out of your mind child ? ' Although that is what I was thinking , I am pretty sure I just said no , it is the middle of the night and you need to go back to sleep . Of course that response was met with a whining child begging to get up and watch a DVD . Apparently he just didn 't get that mommy was not in a happy mood . " Lay down and go to sleep Zack . " " But Mom . ( I love the But Moms don 't you ? ) . I really need all my babies on my bed or I will be lonely . " How he knew they weren 't all there is beyond me , it was dark in room . I reached down , grabbed what I could feel , and tried to politely tell him not to wake me again . Guess what time he did get up for good . A little after 5 am . Although Kris went to him that time I am exhausted and it is still morning . For breakfast he wanted cereal . No problem that is simple . While he was eating I went to go start the laundry . Stupid mistake on my part . I came back into the dining room to see the cereal from the box being poured into the bowl , on the table , on the chair all over the floor . That is so not what I wanted to deal with today . He was made to help me clean up the mess . Having a nap myself would be nice today but I just don 't see it happening . On Halloween night we trick or treated around our neighborhood . We did have a great time walking around looking at all the other costumes and the houses that did decorate . One house had a blowup snow globe in front that Zack was fascinated with . They also had a " Ghost " ( think man with a sheet over his head ) on the front porch . Zack and K stood about 4 feet away from him / it and wouldn 't move . Then Zack yelled " boo " . He was trying to scare the ghost before the ghost scared him . It didn 't work , the ghost didn 't move . Someone told the kids to say Tick or Treat to the ghost . Zack did and low and behold the sheet moved to show a big of candy , both kids ran up a bit closer ! Just as they approached the ghost said Boo both kids jumped back a bit BUT the allure of that candy kept propelling them forward . Before they left that house Zack asked the owner if he could pet the dogs who were on the lawn , both had on a tutu . It took some convincing to get the kids away from the dogs and move on . Several houses away they really did it up big . The kids couldn 't wait to get over there . Once they reached the porch and the motion detected sound effects came on both just stopped . Neither Zack nor K moved . K 's mom stood there the chicken asking if the figure on the porch as real or not . They had a stuffed costume with a scream mask sitting on the porch . They had skeletons , ghosts , tombstones , lights , things that moved , you name it they had it ! Zack finally got up the nerve to ring the door bell . When he did , it opened and there stood a scary clown masked man . ( He did pull the mask up to show the kids that is was just a mask so they wouldn 't be too scared ) . They got their candy but Zack wouldn 't walk away , he kept starring at that masked man . The guy got down low enough for Zack to touch it . At first he touched it gently , then I guess he really wanted to show that guy who was boss because he whacked him a good one ! I was so embarrassed . I made Zack apologize and the guy said it was OK but still I was embarrassed . After we returned home , ZackWritten by We are making progress in the land of potty training . Zack has been potty trained for a while now but not when he sleeps . We have been working hard on that the past week or so . Night time is still very much a challenge but ( knock on wood ) we have conquered the nap time ! It has been four days now of napping with underpants on . Four days of dry underpants , four days of dry sheets , four days of less laundry , four days of happy high fives ! Once I am pretty certain this is a trend he will keep up with then we are going to really tackle the night time . I do so of dread that because I know I will have to wake him up and take him to the bathroom before I go to bed and that scares me . Zack is the kind of kid that once awake , he is awake and does not want to go back to sleep . It does not matter that his body is still very tired . There is a only one switch on this child and once it is turned on , you can not turn him back off . I have told him that once he stops wetting the bed he will get a big boy bed to sleep in . I hope that helps with his mindset and we can pull this off . . . soon . Until then I thank the person who invented the vinyl on mattresses for little ones . What exactly makes a boy think the way they do ? You see I have this adorable little boy who is quite funny at times , quite demanding at other times and sometimes he is the sweetest little guy on the face of this earth . He says things that blow me away like this morning when he said " mom you know what the coolest thing is ? " When I told him I did not know he responded with " Being with you ! " Sigh . He does things that drive me nuts like the button pushing . He has this uncontrollable urge when he sees buttons or knobs that he has to touch , turn and push them . It has to be uncontrollable because you can tell him not to touch them and he can not stop . I do not believe he is purposely being defiant I think it is something within him that makes him do it . He feels the need to make my job as a parent harder than it should be sometimes . Last night we went through our night time routine then I put an undershirt on him then his pajamas , we said prayers and in bed he climbed . Kris got home about 30 minutes later and went in to give him a kiss . Zack was still awake . Before going to bed , I went to check on him , much to my surprised his pajamas were not on him . I asked Kris if he took Zacks pajamas off him he said no and then said he didn 't understand why I just put him to bed with a shirt on . We went back in there and the child had taken his pajamas completely off and they were stuffed under the covers at the bottom of the bed ! Let me just say it is really hard redressing a child who is sleeping and weighs a ton . The one good thing . . . he didn 't wake up while we were trying to get him dressed again . I still don 't know why he does some of the things he does and I guess I will never know for sure but one thing I do know for sure is each day there is something new . I may not like that something new but that doesn 't seem to matter much to this little boy . We went on our first Trick or Treating venture today . I have to say we had a great time . One of the local assisted living homes hosted it and it was really sweet to see the joy on the faces of the patients as each child entered into their rooms . Some patients had family in there rooms with them to help hand out candy , others waited by their doors for the kids to come . I have taught Zack that you take only one piece of candy and he was trying so hard to do just that but room after room he was told by the patients to take two or take more than that . He looked bit confused but did as he was told . LOL . Can I just say this child came home with more candy than he will ever eat ! He had a regular plastic Halloween pumpkin that you buy in any store . That poor pumpkin was three quarters of the way full . He has never had that much candy in his entire life ! Zack chose a pirates costume this year . So he was decked out in the gold hoop earring , the eye patch , the hook and the beard . I must admit he was adorable . Lots of people told him he was the cutest pirate they had ever seen so move on over Mr . Depp I think you have some competition ! Note to any parents how cover their little ones eye with a patch , They may not be able to follow a straight line while walking so be sure to guide them before they walk off the sidewalk . So it has come to my attention that I need to teach my son the anatomy of both boys and girls . You see I have taught him the correct term for his male member , but I have never taught him that girls do not have that specific part . Today we came home from having lunch with Kris and by the time Zack and I pulled into the driveway I really had to go to the bathroom bad . That will teach me to drink so much at lunch . I was trying to get him out of the car seat in a hurry and into the house so I was telling him to hustle . He asked why so I told him I had to go potty . He responded with an " Oh OK Mom . " Just as we got into the house he asked " Mom , are you holding your penis . " I just about lost it right there . Oh the joys of parenting ! It has been 9 days since this illness started and I am still not back to normal ( whatever that is ) . I thought it would have gotten better by now but the coughing , achy , headache stuff just refuses to go away . So I called the pediatrician the other day to inquire if they had received the flu shot in yet and was told " if he is on the list you don 't need to call , we will call you when it comes " . Alright , I get it . We wait . Tuesday evening I received a message asking me to bring Zack in Thursday night at 6pm to get his flu shot , and I needed to call to confirm . Zack knows he is going tonight but he is not happy with me at all . I am definitely taking Kris because if Zack throws a tantrum there is no way I can lift him off the floor and carry him out . When I told Zack he had to get his flu shot tonight he was all upset with me , so being the mom I am , I picked up the phone to call my doctors office and schedule a flu shot for me . The receptionist was rather rude . I was basically told they have one flu shot clinic left and it is full so I should just call one of the pharmacies and let them do it . When I was there in July I was told by the nurse to call on October for the shot . So for once I followed directions and this is where it gets me ! Go figure . As much as I do not want to get a shot at a pharmacy I guess I will suck it up and go . I will make sure to take Zack with me so he can see he isn 't the only one who has to get it . Yes Ms Librarian , I understand the 2 children 's DVDs are 4 days overdue . I have been sick and unable to drop them off . No , I did not plan on them being late . We actually had a visit to the library scheduled on the calendar but unfortunately that is the day I became sick . Had I not gotten sick your DVDs would have been returned before their due date . Yes Ms Librarian , I will pay the late fees on the ' Holiday ' one . I have no problem with that since he watched it at least 10 times during those 4 days ( oh by the way , it really does need a good cleaning , it skips in 2 different areas ) . I do not think I should have to pay the late fees on the ' sports ' one at all . You see Ms Librarian had your staff done their job and checked the case before the little lock was put on there , then someone would have noticed the DVD that is there doesn 't belong in there and is not even close to being the right one . Therefore I do not think I should have to pay the late fee . The movie in that case was never watched . The movie in that case was not the one we thought we were borrowing from your facility . Well thank you Ms Librarian , I now know never to borrow a DVD from your library again , I would have no problem at all paying the fees had my son actually been able to watch the movie he wanted but no because your staff doesn 't do there job , it should not cost me money . I can not wait until the new library closer to home opens . What did I do to deserve this ? This is pure torture I tell you ! I woke up about 2 am I felt like my throat was on fire . It hurts to swallow much less try to talk . I have a few other symptoms of a virus , flu or something but so far I am dealing with those . It is the not being able to talk to the little one that is going to kill me . Of course he gets up super early today with no hope of him going back to bed . So I being super mom come up with the wonderful idea of each of us get a couch and we watch cartoons all morning . Um , nope he was not down with that ! He wants nothing to do with the couch this morning . How am I to deal with him today when I can not even talk to him much less raise my voice when he does something he is not supposed to do . . . like spill the milk on the floor which he has already done this morning . Oh please let this clear up and be gone sooner rather than later . Oh and please do not let him get whatever it is I have . What is it about voice mail that makes my child cringe ? We left music class and Zack asked to talk with Kris on the phone . So once he was all buckled up in the seat I dialed my cell and handed it to him . After the second ring he practically threw it at me and told me to leave a message that he wasn 't going to talk to voice mail . I left a message for Kris saying I was Zackary 's secretary blah blah blah . When I was done Zack asked what I said . So I told him . The little stinker says " mom , that 's nice . I like seprateriums . " I tried to correct him but he was pretty set on saying it that way . I am going to assume now that as he gets older he will be that annoying person that hangs up the phone when voice mail comes on and my cell phone will tell me I have 15 missed calls . lol When ever we are being silly and Zack does something wrong or weird I give him the old " you are fired " line . He usually giggles and says something like " mom you can not fire me , that is just silly . " The other day I decided to get my hind end in gear and start painting that playroom before he is too old to have a playroom . I got out the chalkboard paint and started making him a chalkboard that is big enough for two to share . He came barging in asking to help . Not wanting to have black paint all over everything I told him not this time but next time he could help . That did not go over as well as I hoped . He responded with a loud and demanding tone saying " Mom , I am experient and you can not fire me . If you do I will paint myself . " I am assuming he meant he has experience and he will paint the wall himself . Or he very well could have been saying he has experience in painting himself as in his own body . I don 't know you figure it out . Needless to say the painting is going very slowly because I decided I can only do it when he is napping , sleeping or gone away from the house . The chalkboard is done but the colored shapes that are going on the walls are a slow process , I am not good a making sure things are level and the level I bought is not sticking to the wall as the packaging promised . If it ever gets done I will post some pictures . When Zack and I came home today , Zack asked for the TV on . I told him no that is was not going to be on while eating . He was alright with that while he sat down and ate his lunch . The second he was finished he asked for TV . I gave in figuring he slept late this morning so nap was probably going to be non - existent today . After the first show , he begged for a second . I said sure . The second that show ended he came running into the laundry room and in his little sinister voice said " HA HA Mom it is too late to nap now . " He thinks he pulled one over on me but I had already figured no nap , earlier bedtime . I will let him get away with his evil plot of watching TV and not having enough time to nap . I sure hope he understands tomorrow is back to reality . Mom needs those moments to herself to survive the day to day . Zack has a small bike that he received for Christmas last year . We keep it in the house and take it outside when we go for ' walks ' . I have no problem with him riding it in the house because it is so small and he is only using it downstairs . Well , I do have a problem when he hits me with it . He tells me it was an accident but really I am not buying it . Anyway I was getting lunch ready yesterday quite honestly not paying much attention at all to the kids . When I thought I heard something . What I was not sure of but I figured I better investigate before something was broken , damaged or injured . Just as I was coming around the corner I looked up to see the bike tumbling over and over down the stairs ! The little monster was trying to drag it upstairs to do who knows what with it ! For all I know he was probably thinking of riding it down the steps because you know the apple doesn 't fall to far from the tree . Right Kris ? ! Of course I immediately ground him from the bike for the rest of the day , BUT I forgot the tell dad so when I left he was on it . This morning the first thing he did was run to his bike and hop on . Big mean mommy that I am took it away and told him he wasn 't allow to ride it at all today . I am sure you heard all the sobbing and the whining and the pleading even if your windows are closed and the radio is blasting . Heck I think if you checked it might have even registered on the Richter Scale when he flopped down on the floor in protest . I think this kiddo of mine is going to be a daredevil and well I am just not down with that . Yesterday I had the daunting task of cleaning out all the old and too small clothes from Zacks dresser . Fun ? I think not . They are actually in a pile on the floor of his room right now because today I get to to through the closet . I just amazes me how quickly he is growing . Aw heck I will say it . ' It scares the hell of out me ' . What size is this child of mine going to be in when he starts school ? When he graduates ? Are they even going to make tuxes big enough when he gets married ? He could not wear newborn clothes when he was born . By the time he was a year old he was in a 24month - 2T . Last winter he was in a 4T . Right now ( at this moment ) he fits in a boys size 6 shirt and a boys size 5 pants ! By winter time he will be in a boys 6 pants . The legs will be a little on the long side and I will have to do a small roll on them but the waist will fit fine . Now before you go to thinking he is a little chunk I have to say he is not . He is not fat , or obese . He is solid ! It kills me to try to pick him up . I try not to ever pick him up anymore but he is only 3 so there are times he still needs his mom . He is rapidly outgrowing his toddler bed and I see a twin bed in his near future . He has outgrown his little bike so I see a bigger bike in the near future . He has outgrown his little turtle sandbox so daddy better get working on a bigger one . I am expecting any day now to wake up , go upstairs to get him and see that he is taller than I am . Oh how I dread that day . Today I left the television off and told Zack and K that they needed to go play . I heard much argument over that one before they both decided to go play . They opted to play Little Red Riding Hood . They take turns one plays Red and the other is the big bad wolf ( or as they both say . . . the big bad woof ) then they switch . It is really funny to listen to them . I have told Zack the Red Riding Hood story for quite a while now and I am pretty sure I have never made any part of it scary or inappropriate for a little one . Today I walked away to do something and they were running around the house as if it were the forest . I wasn 't quite sure what K ( Red ) said to Zack ( The Big Bad Wolf ) but it had something to do with the grandma in the story . He clearly responded in a little tiny trying to sound evil voice with a " you grandma is gone , I ate her ! " I lost it ! The voice he attempted to use was priceless and where he ever came up with I ate her is beyond me . I can 't wait to see what other fairy tale they are going to recreate next week . I never thought it would start this early in his young life but I was wrong . After lunch I told the kids to go in and wash up . The same thing that happens everyday . Nothing was different , nothing was out of the ordinary . If you have ever seen my child after he is done eating , you would know he is mostly covered in ketchup when he is done . Zack ran to the bathroom to go wash up . He came back out and announced that he found a better way to clean up . I stood there a second not really comprehending what he was saying and asked him to repeat himself . " Mom , I found a better way to clean my hands " At this point I was a bit scared to ask how because lets face it this is the kid that always has A PLAN . I asked anyway . " Mom all you gotta do is . . . scrub you hands wif da towel " " Zack did you use soap and water ? " " Nope I did not need um " Who knew the dry washing would start so darn young ? I kind of expected it to happen when he started school or something but not at 3 years old ! Now before you ask , he was not happy with me when I told him his plan was not a good one this time and made him go in and use soap and water . This child of mine is a silly little boy . The other day I put him to bed with all the usual babies and we did the same routine so I expected him to go off to sleep in a decent time frame . Oh but how could that be when Kris decided to hammer and bang and staple and just flat out make a lot of noise right outside my little boys bedroom . After about 45 minutes I went to check on him knowing there was no way he would be asleep . When I walked in I could see his face by the light following me through the door . He looked frustrated . We talked for a minute and he asked me if he could yell something out to dad . When I told him he could , he sat straight up in his bed looked toward the door way and yelled " Dad could you keep it down in there I am trying to sleep " . I giggled as I layed him back down and kissed him goodnight again . By the time I walked out his door and over to my husband I was giggling louder . Kris thought I told him to say that but I had nothing to do with it . So Kris packed up his hammer and stapler for the night and Zack was fast asleep soon after . ______________________________ A few days later I took Zack to the toy store so we could look around and play with the train table . We were there for several hours before I finally convinced him that I was hungry for lunch and we needed to go get something . We stopped to see Kris who was working at his part time job . He hadn 't gotten my message asking him if he wanted anything so I said keep and eye on Zack for a few minutes I am going to run out and get us something to eat . Just then my 3 year old pipes up with " Hey Dad you have any cash on you ? " Of course Kris thinks I told him to say that but I had nothing to do with it . I did tell Kris he should be grateful the child is asking for cash and not his credit card ! ______________________________ I took Zack to the hospital yesterday to visit my step dad ( Bob ) . Right when we arrived my mother was checking Bobs legs out ( they had been swollen when he went into the hospital ) . My mother told Zack that grandpa had chicken legs . WWritten by Lying in bed eyes open just waiting for the little one to call out for someone . . . anyone to come get him . I hear him in there kicking his feet against the mattress . I hear him flipping from side to side so I know wake up time is just a minute or two ( if I am lucky ) away . I have this down to a science , he kicks then he flips for no more than a few minutes then he lays on his back and calls for someone to come get him . Yes I am blessed in the fact that he doesn 't wander around , he lays in his bed until someone comes into his room to get him . I don 't know how much longer that will last but right now it is one less thing I worry about . This morning I was pleasantly greeted with a chipper little boy saying " Mommy , Daddy come get me . . . Mommy or Daddy . . . someone come get me . " The next thing I hear that just brought a smile to my face was " Mommy , Daddy come get me I have a surprise for you . I have a joke to tell you ! " Of course when I got to his room and opened the door he said " Mommy I have a joke to tell you . " And he did . " Why did the chicken cross the living room ? " Go on I will give you second to think about it . . . . . . . . . Are you ready ? " To go outside ! " And the laughter ensued ! I love mornings like this , I know there won 't be any like this when he is older so I try to take advantage of that few minutes before I hear the words " Let 's go have breakfast " . I just wanted to let everyone know that there is a mistake in the Merriam - Websters dictionary . Main Entry : praying mantisFunction : noun Date : circa 1890 : mantis ; especially : a European mantis ( Mantis religiosa ) that has been introduced into the United States - called also praying mantidYou see the world knows this creature as a praying mantis but that is wrong . Well wrong in the world according to Zack . He went on a walk with his father the other day to the playground . There was one of these creatures on the playground equipment so Kris told him what it was . Somewhere along the way the name has been changed to . . . A Meanie - eyed - mantis . When he told me that I laughed out loud . He just didn 't understand why I was laughing . I just love hearing what comes out of his mouth . While at the beach we took an afternoon to go to an amusement park geared toward smaller children . You know the kind of place you buy a wrist band for an astronomical amount of money and your kiddo can ride any and every ride there as many times as they want . Zack started out on the little kids roller coaster . It was such a cute little ride . He went on with his cousin Gabby . He enjoyed it . Once he got off there he spotted the big roller coaster and that is all he talked about until we agreed to let him go on it . We had to initiate the help of cousin Lexi to go on with him . He couldn 't wait . Once he was on he was all smiles . Poor Lexi had to take him on twice because he didn 't want to do anything else but that . When we finally convinced him we needed to walk around and see what other rides there were he opted to get on the Himalaya with Lexi , Gabby and Sydney . Why they put Zack on the inside is beyond me because the girls never had a chance , they were crushed by the time the ride ended . It really was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time . Here are a few pictures to see just how crushed the poor girls were . Yes Lexi was yelling at us by the time the ride was over that she would never do that again . Oh but us bystanders sure did love it we had the best laughs . As a matter of fact we all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard . We were there for hours and he would not leave unless he could go on that big roller coaster again . So we convinced David to go with him . At that point Gabby wanted to go again so Lilly got in on the deal . Zack was a happy camper . I am not kidding when I say anything that had any height to it he got a kick out of . All those little kiddie rides that stayed on the ground he really did not care for . So I think I am in trouble with this one . He is going to be an adrenaline junkie and I am going to have nightmares over it . More of our vacation . Why is it that when on vacation the kids think they need to be up at 6am ? I am pretty sure I sent out all the proper paperwork in advance saying the vacation wake up time would be somewhere around 8 or 9 am not 6 ! This child of mine woke ME up at 6 am darn near everyday we were there . We went to the beach as much as possible because Zack is clearly going to grow up to be a beach bum . He loves digging in the sand , not so much making castles but digging holes as large as he could . He loved being buried and trying to break free of that blanket of sand . The giggles were contagious . He loved to bury other people and I can honestly say that boy can pack the sand down pretty darn well . I was a bit snug when he buried my lower half . Zack and Kris playing in the sandHe wore Kris out in the water . I know all Kris wanted to do was relax while there but Zack would not have that . He wanted in the water . Once he got the feel of the water at his feet he wanted to be out there with the big boys ! I know after a while each day Kris arms hurt from holding Zack in the water . I figured after the first time a wave crashed over Zack 's head he would be done but boy was I wrong ! Kris tried his hardest to keep Zack from being hit in the face with waves but there were a few that got away from him . Zack also tried his hand at surfing . Now that was a funny sight to see . He grabbed someones body board and tried sitting and standing on it . It did not work so well but he did try so that was a good thing . Zack SurfingAnother highlight for Zack was trying to catch the seagulls . He tried several times but those pesky little devils got away every time . Kris wrangling in Zack and Duce after they tried catching a seagull . We told Zack one night after dinner we could go back to the boardwalk and he could pick whatever he wanted for snack . As we were walking by place after place we would tell him what they had . No , No No , No is what we kept hearing . We thought for sure Dippin Dots would be the one that grabbed him . Oh were we wrong . He waWritten by I have been having some problems with my back , hip & butt area and also my leg . I did two rounds of prescriptions from the doc to try to feel better but the medicine did not knock out the pain . So my doctor suggested Physical Therapy . I really wanted to get rid of the pain and the feeling like my leg was just dead weight that I was lugging around . So I said yes . Now , I am not in good shape at all so going there twice a week is really quite hard . My legs just do not bend the way Mr . PT Guy wants them too ; ) The first few sessions really kicked my butt . I was starting to feel better which was a really great thing . You know not a 100 % back to normal but feeling like I could move again with the pain , like I could go from a sitting to a standing position without a shooting pain running down my leg . So the other day Grumpy Mom left the building and Happy Mom finally came back in . Zack was very excited to have Happy Mom back . He did lots of hugging on her and playing with her . He even took her out on a date ( of course she had to pay because he claimed not to have any money with him ) . Happy Mom was playing all the things she has not been able to in a while . Happy Mom was back down on the floor playing with Zack and his toys . Zack was a very happy boy . Happy Mom and Zack decided to play with his little spinner top on the kitchen floor . Well trying to show a 3 year old how to hold a little spinner and pull the cord at the same time is a job . He just doesn 't have the coordination down yet but he is working on it . At one point the top left his hands and shot out behind me on the floor . Much to far for me to reach without getting up so like any other slacker I told him to fetch it . I should have turned to watch him get it . I should have known what was going to happen next . I should have seen it coming a mile away . He was just so excited to have Happy Mom back he was bouncing all over the place . Yes I am sure you can guess that he chose to use my back as a trampoline ! Pain I tell you , pure Pain ! So Happy Mom has left the building and GrWritten by One year ago my little love muffin still was not talking much so we had a speech therapist coming to the house once a week to work with him . We were doing sign language to get some form of communication so the frustration level wouldn 't get out of hand . It was very trying for him and I both so we sought out the help of the therapist to help . And Help she did ! Now we have plenty of conversations about any and every thing ! The other day when I called to talk with him on the phone he was telling me he was ' having a discussion with dad about going to the park ' . He uses plenty of big words now . You just do not expect these big words to come out of this child . The other day he wanted to go to the bookstore , I told him no . He turned around and asked Kris . Kris told him maybe so I spoke up and said I told him no . Zack tells me that Daddies make the rules and I shouldn 't lie . ( I can only imagine what Kris is teaching him when I am not within hearing distance ) . I went on to explain to Zack that Mommies and Daddies are equal and we make the rules together . He responded with a big " well that 's impressive " . I nearly cried I was laughing so hard . I just think back to a year ago and I am in total amazement at how far he has come with his speech and his comprehension of the English language . Yes there are plenty of moments I think back at how quiet it used to be in the house but I am so glad we got help at an early age . It has been seven and a half months since the therapist said she no longer needed to come out here and I think if she saw him today she would be floored with him . A few weeks ago we went on our vacation for a week to Ocean City , Md . with David , Lilly , Indigo and Kris ' family . Upon arriving in the state of Maryland we hit rain . A lot of rain . It took forever to get over the bridge to the house . The streets were flooded . When we arrived at the house , I did the typical traveler thing . . . ran in to go to the bathroom ! When I came out Zack and some of his cousins were in the road running through the water which was just below his calves ! So much for staying dry . Once we unloaded the car we were all getting a bit hungry so we headed to the boardwalk to get something to eat . Dough Roller here we come ! While there my careful , gentle little well behaved darling son knocked his cup over . All over the table , the chair , him , the floor and Kris . We decided to let Zack play on the pirate ship for a while to get some energy out since he had been cooped up all day in a car . I don 't know whose bright idea it was to go down by the water to check it out but that was the direction we went . I knew before we ever reached the water there was no way this kid of mine was going back to the house dry ! Once he hit that water he owned it ! No - one or nothing could get him out of it . The water was cold . His skin was like ice but he didn 't care . He didn 't want to leave . So we walked down the beach so he could continue to run at the waves . I don 't know how we got him to go back the house but once there we had to give him a shower to warm him up . He went to bed a bit later than normal but every morning we were there he was up by 6 : 30 am . Way to early for me . Don 't kids know what vacation means ? I need to work on this for next year . I will post more with some pictures tomorrow . Thanks a bunch Mom ! You see my mother likes to ' teach ' Zack such helpful things . When I say helpful what I really mean is just means more work for me . ; ) When she came out for a few days last week she was nice enough to teach Zack to wash his face . . . without a wash cloth . You know when you use your hands to cup water then toss it at your face to get the soap off . Yeah she taught him that and he has tried several times but quite frankly there is more water on his shirt , the counter and the floor than there is going on to his face . Another great thing she taught him was to clean the toilets . Yes she handed him the toilet brush and told him to scrub . Now this in theory would be the most wonderful thing she could teach him since I despise cleaning them . . . BUT Mr . Helpful came running out of the bathroom today saying " Mommy I scrubbed the potty like Grandma told me . " Oh great I think while walking in there not knowing what I will find . Yes he did indeed scrub the toilet only he did not use the toilet brush , he used the little scrub brush that came with his kitchen set ! ! Umm yeah that isn 't going back in the playroom ! Oh Mom I do have to tell you a great big Thanks . The other day we were driving home from the store and since my radio does not work anymore Zack says from the backseat " K sing the beans beans song " K told him she did not know it so he proceeded to sing it ! " Beans Beans good for u , da more u eat da better you feel " . Yeah I know he does not have the words right but he tried . At least he was not trying to sing the 99 bottles song you were trying to teach him . I think I would have gone nuts with that one . I can only imagine what she is going to teach him next . LOL . OK Bob if you want attention you do not need to do it this way ! Now get out of the hospital bed and stop pretending to be sick . Oh wait I think I get it , you wanted a vacation right ? Well that really isn 't a good place to vacation . They don 't let you sleep , they poke you with needles all night and day , the food is not very tasty at all ( although my mother would disagree with that ) and they don 't have that many channels on the television ( you can only watch so much junk before getting bored ) . So get up and get home soon ! You know Zack can not come visit you there , they never allow kids in and I seriously do not think I could keep him quite long enough to sneak him in . This is a warning to all the parents out there . You know we all do it at one time or another when we do not want our children to know what we are trying to convey to someone . We spell . Go ahead and admit it now . You do it just to try to save yourself some frustration . Well you have been warned that it can and will turn against you . Today while driving home Zack says " Dad where is the ' g y s t o x d ' ? " Kris was unsure of what he was talking about so he asked him what that meant . Zack replied " Dad the ' g y s t o x d ' you know the Thomas train stuff ! " I was trying very hard to hide my laughter but poor Kris could not hide his . As so it goes he has been ' spelling ' different things the rest of the day . We made the mistake of telling Zack several weeks in advance of leaving for vacation . Not a bright idea because that is all we heard about multiple times a day . We listened to everything he wanted to do when he was on vacation . " Mom I want to go surfing " " Mom I want to put sand in the water " " Mom I want to play in the water " " Mom I want to wipe out " " Mom I want to go in the water with Daddy " And so on . Several days before leaving I pulled his suitcase out of the closet and told him we needed to start packing so it would all be ready to go when the time arrived . Like most kids his packing priority consisted of toys , toys and more toys with books thrown in too . I walked out of the bedroom to get the clothes from the dryer , sat on the couch to fold them and peeked into his room to see all his trains , every book from his bookshelf and all the ' babies ' from his bed stuffed into his suitcase . He was trying his hardest to get it closed . He could not zip that suitcase to save his life . I watched those wheels turning in his head . He tried so hard to zip it closed but it just was not going to happen . Then he asked me to come and close his " soupcase " because he could not do it and I told him no because I was busy . So he stopped and he thought about it . I do not know where he came up with the idea but I was laughing when I saw it . He chose to sit his butt on top and try to zip it closed that way . It was so cute to see him use his mind to come up with ways to try to get that closed . Oh and if you are wondering , he never did get it closed and I repacked so he didn 't have to run around all week with a naked butt for all the world to see . Okay , Okay I get it . I should stop eating or better yet switch to paper plates ! No more glass plates for me please . I have had the same set of dishes for several years now . I like them . They are a clear glass with flowers designs molded on them . A few weeks ago while getting a bowl out of the cabinet , I accidentally dropped it and it split into two pretty even pieces . Alright one bowl , I can live with that . Last week while getting a small plate out for my sandwich , I accidentally dropped it on the counter and it broke into several pieces . Now I am thinking , okay I am down one bowl and one small plate , alright I can live with that . Yesterday was the last straw . I decided to have a bowl of cereal so I reached into the cabinet for a bowl . Yeah I am sure you guessed what happened next . Not only did it break but it broke into a million tiny pieces . You could not have even made out what it was even if you wanted to . It scattered into a large area of my kitchen floor and even made its way into the dining room , underneath the chair Zack was sitting it . Even after it had crashed for the next few minutes you could still hearing pieces cracking ! It was odd to say the least . Yes there is still some pieces under the stove that I could not get so Kris has a job to do . Have fun pulling the stove out dear . : ) So now I think I will be on the lookout for unbreakable dishes . Anyone know where I can buy a rubber set of dishes ? My son has some sort of obsession with Subway sandwiches . What it is I do not know . When he wants to go out to lunch , he always asks for Subway . I am wondering what the heck they are putting in those sandwiches that makes him want to go back there every time he gets to go out to eat . Here is a conversation that went on recently . " Mom , I want to have lunch with daddy today . " " Okay lets give him a call and see if he is able to leave work today . " Dialing phone , handing it to little one so he can talk with daddy . Ring , Ring , Ring . . . voicemail . " I not gonna leave a message for him ! " So yet again I am the one to leave a message . A little while later . . . Ring , Ring . " Dad , I didn 't want to leave a message for you . " " I know Zack . " " Daddy I want to go to Subway for a free cucumber and pickle sandwich . " " A free sandwich ? " " Zack it is not free , who do you think has to pay for it ? " " Daddy pays for it , he is the best payer . " I just wanted to take a moment to say I am pretty sure this idea that I have in my head can be pulled off . Let me know what you think . There are days that Kris just does not feel like getting up in the morning but Zack gets up real early . I am thinking Zack could take the place of Kris at work . . . At least until nap time because then I think they would notice . What , you think they would notice the height difference ? Well that is an easy fix , Zack could sit at the desk playing games ( oops I mean working ) on the computer . He is just like his father . He could talk to anyone on the phone so I do not really see any problems there . The only real problem I see is that Zack does not know how to drive yet so it would be a little hard for him to get there . Take a look . Looks like a perfect match to me . So Kris what do you think ? Think you two could pull it off ? Yesterday , I told Zack there was a cup on the counter if he wanted it . He took it down , sat on the couch and started drinking it . After a few minutes he yelled " Hey " . When I asked him what was wrong he gave me an odd look and said " Hey this is a sippy cup and sippy cups are for babies ! " And so the sippy cups are being put away . This morning I told Zack to get into his chair so he could eat breakfast . He pulled out the chair and yelled " I can not sit in this booster seat it is for babies ! " And so the booster seat is now taken away from the table . Later on we went to the grocery store . I really just wanted to hurry up and get in and out so I picked Zack up and plopped him in the seat of the cart . He said " Mom I want to walk . " I told him not today because I needed to hurry up ( Lord knows when he is walking you can not hurry because you are putting things back on the shelf that he has taken off ) . What do you think came next ? Yup ! you guessed it " Mommy I can not sit in this seat . . . It 's for babies ! " And so I guess it is said I no longer have a baby in the house . Now listen up kid . We as your parents feed you 3 square meals a day , snacks , and all the milk , water and juice you want . We provide clothes and a warm cozy bed for you . We have given you plenty of toys to stimulate your brain and conversation for you to learn from . But all good things must come to an end . It is time you started earning your keep around here . Life is not all fun and games and the quicker you learn that the better off you will be . And so the work begins . Actually he didn 't think this was work at all . He loved it ( as long as there was no soap bubbles on his face ) ! I do have few more scratches on the truck because he hasn 't quite learned the farther you are the more area the water covers but other than that he did a good job with some help from Kris . I forgot to get a picture of him when he was all done but he was soaked from head to toe ! Poor kid . When lunch time rolled around today Zack and I decided to dine alfresco . It is not some thing we normally do because of the summer heat just gets way to hot and can 't stand yourself . It was not really as hot as I thought it would be today because there was a slight breeze that made it pretty bearable . The sun on the other hand was pretty bright . We were out there all of 2 minutes before Zack asked for his sunglasses . I felt like I was dining with a Hollywood Stud . He held up a nice conversation with me about surfing of all things . Mind you neither one of us have ever surfed but he keeps telling me he wants to . This from the child who hates getting water in his eyes . Once we were done with lunch , I let him play out there for a while longer . He is getting very good kicking the ball around like he is playing soccer . Now I will be the first to admit he does not pass the ball , he just tries to kick it past you . So that leaves me to wonder if he is just being a ball hog or just practicing his skills . Once he started to get a little bored I declared it nap time . It is getting harder and harder to get him to actually fall asleep at nap time but I am not ready for it to disappear yet so we will still keep trying . Once we were in the house he did tell me that having lunch outside was fun and he wanted to do it again another day . All in all we had a lovely afternoon at home . It was nice . Last week I took Zack to the children 's museum . He loves that place and I figured I already have the tickets so why not spend a few hours in doors playing rather than sweating my tail off at the playground . When we got there the first thing he asked was " does this place have Thomas the Train ? " It still amazes me how he can spend hours playing with his trains at home and still want to play with them when we go somewhere . He spent quite a bit of time playing with the trains then he climbed aboard the child size train they had built and he was in full blown happy mode ! When it was his turn to become the engineer , he was pressing buttons and moving levers like he knew what he was doing . Occasionally he would stick his head out the window and give that shout that seems mandatory when playing on a train . " All Aboard " I have to admit the train was really cool . Not only did it have buttons and levers that made sounds when he pushed / pulled them but it had a flat screen TV so you could see the track you were ' driving ' on . It also had a really really cool feature of having a tender full of coal that you could shovel into the engine . Every time you shoveled some coal in the engine it would light up like you really were putting real coal in . It also had a dining car with a couple of tables , ' glass ' chandeliers and curtains on the windows . There was also a water tank built next to it with a hose the kids could use to pretend they were filling the train . After about an hour and a half Zack decided it was time to play on something else . He headed straight over to the airplane . After some of the kids cleared out he was able to get into the pilot seat and start mashing all those buttons . At one point he picked up the microphone and said " hey everyone get on , I am ready to leave " . The firetruck , police car , race car and gas pump were all really fun to . He was mesmerized with the big bubble maker . It was one that you stand in the circle and pull the cord and the bubble comes up around you . He was laughing hysterically at one point when he Written by Zack is my youngest . He is 9 and very active . He doesn 't sit still for anything . He is funny , loving and so darn cute . Don 't tell anyone but I think I am going to have my hands full with this one . I always say if he was born first i never would have had a second . |
Sorry I 've been hit - and - miss on Memory Monday lately . I 'll try to do better . However , one of the reasons I 've been so sporadic with posting at all ( and , in turn , reading and / or commenting on others ' blogs ) is because of my current church assignment - our ward 's roadshow . It 's a lot more time consuming than I originally thought it would be . But more about that later . This is MEMORY Monday . So I 'm going to write about one of the roadshows I was in when in Young Women 's . Somehow , the Laurel class got put in charge of writing our ward 's roadshow this time . For whoever doesn 't know what a roadshow is , it 's essentially a play that a group of people perform in different locations , like three different church buildings . We had roadshows in our stake every other year , so this one was my third . Anyway , because I thought I was all that and a bag of chips , I kind of took over writing the roadshow . Our theme had to do with time lines , or something , and it was our stake 's 50th . . . anniversary ? It had been 50 years since its creation , so whatever that would be called . So we chose doing a Back to the Future theme . The main plot was that Biff ( guy in the middle in the picture , who I dated for a while , actually ) went back in time and ruined some roadshows , so Marty ( guy on the right ) and Doc ( that was me , if you couldn 't tell from the costume ) had to go and fix them . We went to the 50s , and the 70s , and . . . is that all ? That 's all I 'm remembering . Our youth group was really big , and we had them do some dance / singing numbers with the words changed to songs that were from the different eras . Yes , it was cute . But , I was really selfish with it , and because I was so full of my drama self , I thought that my ideas were the best , so I kind of ended up writing it myself . Also , the lady that they chose as director wanted the guy on the right to be Doc . But because the script was my baby I wanted to be Doc . So I kind of forced her hand . Which , now , if a youth were to try to do that to me , I 'd be like , step down , punk . I don 't know why she didn 't do that to me , but oh well . So , very fun . Well , I had fun , anyway ; I have no idea if anyone else had as much fun . But the other roadshows we did as youth were fun for me as well . Fast forward to January of this year . Our 1st counselor pulled me and Pete aside and asked if we would be in charge of our roadshow . And we gladly accepted . We wrote our script in about a week , and we 've been full steam ahead ever since . We 've had a couple of dance practices with the youth , which has been fun , and it looks so great . Of course , we have a lady in our ward who does choreography at a dance studio all the time , so she 's made it look great . The biggest obstacle we 've come across right now has been music . We picked some different songs , and some of them don 't have instrumental versions available . So I 've been trying to write in some accompaniment to one of the songs on the piano , and then I 'm going to have to figure out how to record it . ( My piano can record , but for some reason I can 't find the cords that connect it to a computer to get it off the piano . Neat , huh ? ) But it 's worth it for this specific song . There is still SO much to do , and SO much to think about . And the show is at the end of April , so YIKES ! BIKES ! Hopefully it just all comes together , and ends up being as cute and as funny as I am envisioning . I mean , just because I think it 's funny , doesn 't mean it necessarily is funny , you know ? So , that 's my current time - sucker . Like I said , way more time - consuming than I thought it was going to be . But it 's been fun . And I 'm sure you 'll hear all about it in a couple of months ! In the meantime , I 'll try to keep up with my blog . For real , yo . We didn 't do anything crazy , so I can totally tell you about our awesome trip ! It was just me and Pete , and my mom watched our kids , which was wonderful of her . We left on a Friday night via plane and flew straight from our home town to Vegas , which took only a little over an hour , which is SO awesome . We had a shuttle take us to our hotel , and after we got all checked in and found our room , it was about 11 p . m . Mountain time , and we hadn 't had dinner . The awesome thing about Vegas is that there are restaurants in the hotels . There was a Baja Fresh on the ground floor of our hotel , so we got it to go and ate it in our room . I got a chicken burrito thing , with mango salsa and avocados on it , and it was to DIE for ! SOOOO yummy . Mmmm , just thinking about it makes my mouth water . It was so huge , like the size of my forearm , but I ate the whole thing in , like , 5 minutes . YUM . Here 's a pic of Pete by our room 's door , room 20166 . The 20 part means the 20th floor , and the 1 means the 1st tower . Each " tower " was actually two towers , because the even - numbered rooms of tower 1 were in a different segment from the odd - numbered rooms . So really , there are four towers . Also , where we caught the elevators had one side that went just floors 2 - 17 , and the other side of elevators was for floors 18 - 28 . Now , I 've been to Vegas before , but it was a really long time ago . I had forgotten how BIG everything is . Oh , and they gave us a little ( deceitful ) map of the Strip , so it looks not very big , but in all actuality , it 's so super huge and spread out . We found that out the hard way the next morning , as we went in search for our breakfast . We found a Denny 's ( which there 's at least five along the Strip ) , which was just across the street . But to get across the street , you have to go through the casino / maze on the ground floor of the hotel , down some steps , up an outside escalator , across a bridge thing , and then back down and over . We could see it from the other side , but it took us , like 15 minutes to walk there . While there I had a yummy drink , of orange juice , peach juice , and Sprite all mixed together . At first it tasted like Gummy Worms . That 's my best Gummy Worm impression that my finger can make . After I stirred it up a bit , though , it was really good . So , because we 're idiots , we decided to walk from our hotel ( Excalibur ) ( well , actually , from Denny 's on up ) , which is on the southwest side of the Strip , and go pick up our Phantom of the Opera tickets in the Venetian , which is northeast . Again , the little map was all deceitful and was like , " Look how close it is ! That 's not bad ! Just walk the strip ! YAY ! " Stinking map . By the time we got there , I was a little tired , but it wasn 't too bad . And it had warmed up outside , so it was nice . However , we decided , after getting our tickets , to walk back , down the other side . Going up the strip on the east side wasn 't all that bad . It was actually a pretty straight shot . Going down the strip on the west side , however , was entirely different . On the west side , you still have the escalators and all that , but it 's like , jig in , go up , go across , go down , jig out , walk down a little , jig in again . . . . yeah . Like a big ol ' zig zag . About halfway down my knee started feeling weird . And I felt all wimpy , because hi , we were just walking , right ? It just felt like it needed to pop or something , but it wouldn 't . So that was fun . We stopped and got our picture in front of the Bellagio fountain . Which of course wasn 't going off at the time , and I have no idea what its schedule is . I was under the impression that it goes all the time , but guess not . It was still pretty , though . And notice the short sleeves and sunglasses . Ah , to have warm weather . . . We went back to the hotel to rest , and by that time my knee was killing me , as well as my feet . Good times . While Pete slept , I watched a couple of awesome TV shows . One was called " The Stranger " , about this guy that started hanging out with a family , and he was all nice and calm , but it turns out he was on America 's Most Wanted , and he had killed his wife and set her on fire . Nice , huh ? The other show was called " A Twist of Fate " , where these two girls who totally look alike went to the same college and worked together , and got in an car accident . One was killed , and the other was in critical condition , but they got the identities mixed up , so the girl in critical condition belonged to the family that thought their daughter had died . Eventually they figured it out , but weird , right ? We got all dressed up , and after managing to pull ourselves away from the TV ( read that last phrase sarcastically , okay ? ) , we had a late lunch at Rainforest Cafe , which Pete pointed out tastes a lot like Chilis . And because we like Chilis , that was a good thing . Luckily , Rainforest Cafe was in MGM Grand , so we only had to go through our hotel maze , up and down and around across the street , and then into MGM Grand 's After that , though , we caught the monorail thing up to Venetian . The monorail thing is kind of behind the east side hotels , and starts at MGM Grand . And the Deceitful Map was all , " Look ! There 's a stop at Harrah 's , which is totally right next door to Venetian ! No more walking for you ! YAY ! " So we got off at Harrah 's , but then we had to go through that hotel 's maze , and out to the road , and then there were five million shops between Harrah 's and Venetian , and then into the Venetian , and through its casino / maze , until we finally reached the theatre . Oh , and I was doing all this walking in heels . So not only did my knee hurt , and my feet hurt , my ankles also hurt . Good times . However . Phantom of the Opera . PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ! ! ! ! That was the whole reason we wanted to go down to Vegas , because the Venetian has a permanent Phantom stage . I bought tickets beforehand , and we sat on the VERY front row . I wanted to get a picture of me in front of the orchestra pit , which was about four feet in front of our seats , but there was a worker there that was a Camera Nazi . I got down in front of the pit , and she came over and was all , " NO CAMERAS ! ! ! " I was like , I just want a picture of how close we are . And she 's all , " NO CAMERAS ! ! ! ! " So , I didn 't get a shot of us in there . Since I don 't have a picture of how close we were , let me describe how close we were . We were so close , we could see their mics on their foreheads ( it was a little peach bump ) . We were so close , we could hear Christine 's dress rustle as she walked around . We were so close , we had to look behind us to see the chandelier fall . We were so close , that we could feel the heat from the flames that came up on stage . We were so close , that when the singers turned from singing to the back of the stage to the front again , we could hear their actual voice ( instead of just hearing it through the mic ) . We were so close , we could hear the conversations of the orchestra members prior to the show starting . We were so close we could see their eyeliner lines . Afterwards , we walked ( well , Pete walked , I hobbled ) to the Cheesecake Factory . I had a super yummy salad , and we got cheesecake to go . We totally grabbed a taxi on the way back to our hotel , which was worth every penny ( and really , it wasn 't super expensive ) . Note to self : next time I go to Vegas , I 'm taking a cab everywhere I go , even if Deceitful Map tells me it 's not very far . My cheesecake was so good , but I could only eat about 2 / 3 of it because it was so rich . That made me really , really sad . While we were there , I made Pete gamble a dollar . That 's right - one smackaroo . He went up 50 cents , then lost it all . NO ! Not our dollar ! So Sunday morning , we totally got sucked in to going to a time share pitch . In exchange for our time ( a couple of hours ) on Sunday morning , we got a free lunch and a free ticket to the Tournament of Kings , which is the dinner show that Excalibur puts on . We took a shuttle out to " the future of the Strip " , which is further south . And the condos were nice , but SO overpriced it wasn 't even funny . What was funny , though , was the saleslady . We were all , sorry , it 's too expensive . And she 's like , well , let me check and see what they have going on right now . And she 'd come back with this SUPER AMAZING DEAL that must be a typo and we can 't pass it up ! We said no about 4 times , and she got the message after slashing the price to about a third of the original price . We went downstairs , and went into another room , where we met with a guy , and he was all , " I can offer you this same deal for half the price . " We were like , dude , no , and where is our free stuff ? We finally got back to our hotel via shuttle . I guess if you signed to buy a condo timeshare , you got to ride back in a limo . So we started joking with all the other people on the shuttle that it was the Loser Bus because we didn 't get timeshares . But in all actuality , we were the Smart Bus , and I don 't mean that as a joke . Was it worth it ? Hard to say . Because we got a ton of stuff out of going to the presentation , but we wasted a good three hours there . Would I ever go to a timeshare presentation again ? Probably not . But if you 're into getting free stuff , and are great at saying " no " about 50 times , then you should totally do it . We ate our FREE buffet lunch , which was like glorified cafeteria food , then hung out at our hotel room again . And this time I slept and Pete watched who - knows - what on TV . Then we went to the Tournament of Kings . If you don 't know what it is , it 's a show about King Arthur and the different kings from different countries . You eat your meal ( chicken , potatoes , roll , broccoli ) with your hands , and watch as the kings fight each other . We sat in the France section . It 's so fun . You get to yell and cheer for your guy , and boo at the bad guy . They joust and sword fight in the arena right in front of you . I had gone to this before when I was in high school , but Pete had never been . I couldn 't believe how well - trained the horses are . And the guys are SO good at their stunts ! So , so fun and entertaining . I 'm sure my boys would have loved to see it . Afterwards , we decided to walk again ( you 'd think we had learned our lesson , but NO ) , mostly to find souvenirs for the kids . But it really wasn 't very far this time , and I wasn 't in heels , and my knee was feeling better . We went to the Coke store . I had my camera out , and a lady in there was all " I 'll take your picture with the Coke bear ! " But I thought she was yelling at me like the Camera Nazi had the night before . So I was all , " I 'm putting it away right now - sorry ! " But then I heard her the right way . The bear kept taking Pete 's hat off . I loved the Coke store . But I love Coke , so , you know . After that , we had to go back to our hotel room to sleep . We 're boring and old that way . We had to get up to catch our shuttle and flight the next morning anyway . And . . . that 's it . It was a fun , albeit short , trip . But it was nice to get away , just me and Pete . I don 't know when I 'll be heading back to Vegas , but when I do , I 'm getting taxis everywhere I go . And I 'd see Phantom again . And eat my yummy cheesecake before my yummy salad . And not listen to Deceitful Map . Sadly ( fortunately ? ) , I don 't have a picture of Ivy potty training . Because once again , it went so fast . The reason I have a picture of Tinkerbell was Ivy got to have a Tinkerbell sticker if she went poop in the toilet . And she loves Tinkerbell . Let me start from the beginning . I got an awesome book from my friend Chelsey , who used it while training her triplets . She said it worked like a charm . It 's called Potty Training in Three Days , or something like that . You 're supposed to train your child when he / she is 22 months old , which would have been super awesome . But that time came and went for me , and I had just trained Troy , so I was ready for a break , and I didn 't feel like Ivy was ready to train . However , she started doing the same thing Troy had done , and sat on the little toilet before bath time , and went pee almost every time . So that was good . That meant she knew how to let go when she wanted . She did that for a few months , at least . Then she started showing more signs , like wanting to sit on the toilet , and going and getting a diaper when hers was wet . One day in September or October , I asked her if she wanted to go pee in the toilet all the time , and wear big girl undies , and she said yes and seemed super excited . So one morning I had her go pee and we put the big girl undies on her . A half hour later , she had peed in them , but didn 't tell me or even react to it . So we cleaned it up , and put new undies on her . Which she peed in them about an hour later . After I cleaned her up , I asked if she wanted to wear big girl undies still or if she wanted a diaper , and she tearfully asked for the diaper . She wasn 't quite ready , and neither was I . And I really do think that the mom has to be ready as well as the child , because the mom has to deal with cleaning the accidents and helping that child run to the bathroom and all that jazz . For the next couple of months , I could tell that Ivy was becoming very aware of her diaper and its contents . She would poop and get this really squirmy uncomfortable look on her face and ask to be changed immediately . She would even bring me a diaper after peeing . She 's always been a great talker , so I knew that we would be able to communicate about going potty , which is also a great help . Not necessary , but nice . I knew we 'd have a week off of school and all our activities between Christmas and New Year 's , so I decided that that would be our potty training time . I made a little sticker chart for her , and we started the Monday after Christmas . She had little rainbow stickers for peeing , and Tinkerbell for pooping . It 's sad that I can 't think of any crazy mishaps that happened on our first day , but maybe that 's because we really didn 't have any . I know she 's had accidents , but really , we worked on it that week and that 's about all it took . She would have good days with no accidents , and then days with four accidents . But overall , she did really well , and started taking herself to the bathroom by the end of the week . I think it helped while we were potty training to have both me and Pete around . Because when I had to run an errand , Pete could be home with her , and vice versa . For the first few days , we would ask her almost nonstop if she had to go pee or poop . I 'm sure she got sick of hearing us ask , but then I think it helped to keep the subject in the forefront of her mind . Also , it helped that we didn 't have to drive to preschool , or gym , or wherever else , and I didn 't have piano lessons . We could concentrate on her instead of being pulled in 50 directions . I do remember when we started back into our daily grind , we drove Troy to preschool . I dropped him off , and got back to the car , and Ivy was scream - crying . I asked her what was wrong , and she cried , " I go PEEEE ! ! ! " I was like , oh great , she just had an accident in the car . I felt her bum , though , and she was dry . So I asked , " Ivy , do you need to go pee ? " And she was all " YEEEEEESSSSS ! ! ! " So I took her out of the car and asked Troy 's preschool teacher if we could use the bathroom . She held it all the way in to the house , which was awesome , and then went pee there . Also , I didn 't think that aiming for girls was a big deal . They just sit , right ? Wrong . Well , wrong for Ivy , anyway . Because when she sat straight up , the pee would go in the gap between the seat and the bowl , and get all over the back of her pants , or the floor . So then I had to work on having her bum hang down lower into the bowl , and lean her clear forward . And now that 's kind of how she sits by herself , which is nice . Another time , like a Saturday night , I noticed the bathroom door was shut , and the light was on ( this is after the kids were in bed ) . I opened the door to smell that really yummy smell . There were some undies in the sink , with poop in them , and the toilet was filled with toilet paper and kleenex , so much so that they were sitting in there dry . So poor little Ivy was trying to take care of her poop all by herself , and tried cleaning it up and stuff , and had apparently run out of toilet paper - hence the kleenex . The next day I told her that kleenex is for noses and toilet paper is for bums , and if she runs out of toilet paper to come get me and I can get her more . So hopefully my potty training stories were interesting , or helpful , or . . . something . If not , at least I have them written down . Because you can never type too much about this subject , apparently . Our little potty was pretty much a permanent fixture in our upstairs bathroom by this time . Once trained , all of my kids have wanted to use the " big tow - wet " ( big toilet ) , but have all trained on the little one . So , for a long time , Troy would use the little potty before baths at night , and actually go in it ( just # 1 ) . But I couldn 't get him to use it any other time . I didn 't try to force him into it , though . ( See ? I 'd learned . ) So that went on for a couple of months . Then I had my hysterectomy ( this is Oct . 2009 ) . So , just so I have it straight in my head , Jake trained in 2006 , Brock in 2008 , Troy in 2009 , Ivy in 2010 . While I was healing from surgery , my mom came over a lot and helped me out with things . And Troy LOVES my mom . He loves cuddling with her , and he 'd do anything for her . So she would ask him to go in the mornings , and he would . A little over a month after I had my surgery , I went to my doctor 's appointment to get checked to see how I was healing . And Troy had preschool - just a neighborhood thing that a few ladies and I did for our 3 - year - olds . Troy was the youngest in his little group , and , incidentally , the only one not potty trained . So I took him over to preschool and left for my appointment , leaving my mom behind . After preschool started , Troy pooped in his diaper . The poor mom was trying to figure out where the smell was coming from . When she found it was Troy , I guess a few of the other kids were all , " You still wear diapers ? " And he was soooo embarrassed . The mom called my mom , but she couldn 't go get him , and by the time I got back from my appointment the preschool was almost over . So the poor mom had to smell him the whole two hours , and Troy had to sit in it and be embarrassed for two hours . It definitely had an effect on him . He talked about it for a few days after . And that 's when I decided he was ready . That was his button - being a Big Boy , and keeping up with his peers . I made a potty chart for him . We started December 4 , apparently . I kept him in diapers , though , because I wasn 't wanting to clean up messes . The first day he went in the toilet only in the morning and before bed . The next day he did the same thing . But the following day , at church , no less , Troy told me he had to use the bathroom . I took him , and to my surprise he went . And . . . that 's that . He was good to go from then on . I put him in undies after a couple of weeks , and he 's been dry ever since . Which , P . S . - poor Jake ! The first kid really is the Guinea pig , huh ? When you just don 't know what to do , and so you flail around , and try all sorts of things , and then afterwards you figure it all out , and then it 's a lot easier on the next kids . If only it didn 't have to be that way . One thing I had learned is that I started Jakob on potty training too early . He had no idea what was going on , or how to do things . I think I started him so early because I didn 't want the three kids in diapers , but then after I did it that first time , it 's wasn 't the worst concept in the universe to me . So when I was pregnant with Ivy , I had zero drive to try with Brock until later . Another thing : when I was training Jake , I brought up the fact that it was taking a million years to train him to my doctor . He suggested having Jake clean out his own undies . I was like , I can 't do that to a 2 1 / 2 year old ! So I didn 't ever try that with him . But as I started contemplating training Brock , it sounded like a better idea to me . Ivy was born in May 2008 . I started training Brock sometime in July 2008 , so he was a little over 3 years old . Hence , I did the three kids in diapers thing for a few months again . Brock has always liked to be pampered . He loves getting sun lotion put on him because it 's like a massage . He loves getting his back rubbed . And , by extension , I think he really liked getting his diaper changed , because it was a form of pampering . But I could tell he was aware of his diaper and his " system " , because he 'd pause while playing for a minute . That was one of the signs I knew he was ready , but I knew I had to force his hand a little because of the pampering thing . So , we started , and we did cold turkey , meaning just straight into undies . I think because he was older , he did a lot better than Jake did at first . I still had him sit on the toilet often , but I didn 't do the hand in the warm water thing or the sticker chart . I did , however , have him clean out his undies whenever he had a poop accident . And he HATED it . I 'm sure most kids would , but he especially did because of wanting to be pampered and clean . We would have him take off his undies , and put them in the sink , and rinse them out really good . There was one time I took him to clean them out , and he was shaking , and he just reached one little finger out and just . . . touched the poop . I 'm like , no , you don 't have to touch the poop part , just the undies , but we need to make sure the poop gets rinsed out . He did really great - it took about 3 weeks for him to be trained . But after no accidents for a while , he pooped in his undies at my parents ' house , on my birthday at the end of July . I played the birthday card , so Pete ended up cleaning him up . And to do it , he had Brock stand outside naked while he hosed him off . A little cruel ? Yes . Effective ? VERY . A couple of weeks after that Brock had a pee accident , then two the following day . I was like , dude , no WAY are we going to regress . So I told him , " Well , we need to get you cleaned off because you peed in your undies . " I put him in the tub , turned the water on super cold , and started dumping it on him . He totally HATED that , but while I was doing it , I said , " No peeing in your undies . " He was like , okay okay okay ! He 's been great ever since . Now that I am TOTALLY COMPLETELY DONE with potty training , I 'm ready to document my diaper days . These are the stories of my adventures in potty training . We 'll start with the oldest , which I should probably title " How NOT to Potty Train Your Child " , or " First is Worst " . Here is a picture of me , pregnant with Troy , and CRAZY to boot . And yes , that would be Jakob , asleep on the toilet . Isn 't he just so stinking cute ? So . I started potty training Jakob the day after Easter , when he was a little over 2 1 / 2 years old . I had no idea what I was doing . I had heard , " Oh , you 'll know when they 're ready " , and " Just wait until they show interest " , and " Bribe them and celebrate any time anything goes in the toilet ! " Okay , then . We bought the little toilet , and some cool superhero undies so that he would get excited . Then I put the little toilet in my kitchen , and vowed that we 'd spend the day ( s ) in there until he got it down . Oh , and I only bought a 6 - pack of undies . Little did I know . Or maybe I was being optimistic . Either way , I definitely was not prepared . The first day he went through all 6 pairs in the first two hours . He would just go a tiny bit , and would always get this look on his face like " What in the world is traveling down my leg ? " After that , I put him back in a diaper for the rest of the day , until I could clean the undies and try again the next day . The next day was a little better , but not by much . But , I was also sick of spending time in the kitchen . I tried giving him a lot to drink , but the kid could only take in so much fluid . After a couple of days I got the brilliant idea to put his hand in warm water , to see if that would help him get going . We did the sticker chart , which he cared about for the first 3 stickers . Eventually , he got pretty good at peeing in the toilet , but pooping was a different story . We bought a toy for him that he had picked out and said if he went poop 10 times in the toilet ( not even in a row , but just 10 times ) , then he could have that toy . It took him , like , three weeks to finally " earn " it . There was a day , after months of cleaning poop out of undies , that I just lost it . Now remember , I was pregnant with Troy , which was my crazy pregnancy . Not that I 'm trying to make excuses for myself , but I had just had it . Everyone always says not to punish kids when they have accidents , but Jakob at this point was very aware of his BMs . He would run into a corner and stand there and poop instead of running into the bathroom . So he had done that , and I just started yelling at him , like , crazy yelling . Every time I flipped out during this pregnancy , and there were a LOT of times , it 's like I was watching myself be crazy . It 's like I was flipping out , and couldn 't stop it from happening , but at the same time my sane brain would be like , dude , what 's the big deal ? Just chill out already . So , this was one of those times . I was wiping Jake 's butt with wipes , and . . . I remember just doing a lot of yelling . And he was just so scared of his crazy mom . Not one of my best parenting moments . At that point , I decided that if I had to clean poop out one more pair of undies , I would probably either kill my child , or kill myself . Neither option was good . I didn 't want to go back to diapers , though . I settled on Pull - Ups . I still called them " undies " , but if he pooped in them , I could just throw them away , and I was okay with that . Then things felt a lot better , but Jake still had a bunch of accidents . Well , Troy arrived in August , and we had been potty training for 4 or so months by this time . Which sucked , but oh well . Troy was a super easy baby ( thank goodness ) . We just kept on keeping on with the potty training . One night , in October , inspiration struck . We were getting the kids ready for bed , and we said , " Look at Troy . He 's a baby because he pees and poops in his diaper . Jake , you must be a baby , too . " And the now 3 - year - old said , " No , I 'm not a baby ! I 'm a big boy ! " Us : " No , Jakob , you must be a baby , because you pee and poop in your undies . " Jake : " NO ! I 'm a big boy ! " I think , for him , he had to really see what he was doing , and realize that he could go in the toilet . He had to make up his mind that this is what he needed to do . And knowing that he was a Big Boy instead of a baby was the kicker for him . So yes , I had three kids in diapers at one time - well , technically , Jake was in a Pull - Up , but who am I fooling ? Tons of people have asked , " Wasn 't that the worst thing ever , to have three kids in diapers ? " Nope , it wasn 't . And I did it again , too , after Ivy was born . It was more like an assembly line - just line ' em all up and change them all at once . No biggie . I signed my boys up for a gym class for the year . Jakob had done a hip hop class last year , and really enjoyed it , but wanted to try something new . And I thought it would be a good thing for all my boys to do together . It 's a tumbling class . They 've all been doing great in it . It 's so funny to watch their different personalities come out while they 're doing the class . ( I haven 't been able to get very good pictures - because they 're so far away , and it 's so big and not super bright in there , they all come out blurry . So , there 's a good butt picture for you . I 'm actually kind of surprised at how flexible they all look right there . ) Jakob has been spastic . He 's gotten really good at front rolls and back rolls . He loves doing the different tricks on the long trampoline they have . Brock has been exact . He 'll observe the teacher closely and try to do it exactly right the very first time . Troy has been important . Even though he 's the smallest kid in the class , you 'd think he was the biggest . He 's just so happy to be there . They just got a new teacher - I think their other one went off to college or something . The new teacher has them grab onto a large rope at the end of their lesson , and swing out over a pit full of large foam cubes . Then they let go and fall in . It 's the best thing since sliced bread . It 's very Tarzan . They have a parent section , that 's up above the floors . One side has video cameras that play on some TVs , and the other side you can look down and watch . I like watching some of the other classes . There are some little girls that are amazing gymnasts . It 's like watching the Olympics every week . One lady comes and cross stitches the whole time . I asked her about it , and she said her daughter comes twice a week for 4 hours each time . She was all , " I guess I could be at home cleaning my house , but if she 's doing something she loves for 8 hours a week , why can 't I ? " I guess I could cross stitch as well , but instead I take my logic puzzles book . Which , for me , is still very zen . Ivy comes along as well , and I try to bring crayons or toys for her to play with . For a while she kept trying to steal a little boy 's food and toys . When I forget toys we munch on TicTacs . Have you tried the green apple ones ? They 're yummy , although they don 't necessarily give you fresh breath . There 's also a Russian guy that teaches there . At first I couldn 't really hear his accent . And I was like , dude , I wonder what he says to people when they ask what he does for a living . " I yell at little girls . " He doesn 't mean yell all of the time , but you have to yell to be heard in there - it 's very tall and open in there . The boys ' gym class starts right when I would be preparing dinner , and ends too late for me to whip up something afterwards . So I decided to make that night my crock pot night . My friend Arin lent me a crock pot recipe book , and I photocopied a whole bunch of ' em . I 've really liked all of them . And I LOVE being able to just dump everything in either in the morning or early afternoon , and it 's ready to go when we get home that night . If only every meal could be so easy . ( Well , I guess it could be , if we had crock pot stuff every night . ) Put the onion on the bottom , put the ribs on top . Mix the other ingredients in a bowl , and pour all but 1 cup on top of meat in crock pot . Put the remaining in the fridge . Cook for 8 - 10 hours on low or 4 - 5 hours on high . Heat up the sauce that 's been in the fridge , and pour over the ribs before serving . Cut meat into 1 - inch pieces . Dump everything in the crock pot except spaghetti or potatoes . Cook for 9 - 10 hours on low , or 4 1 / 2 - 5 hours on high . Serve over spaghetti noodles , or with mashed potatoes . |
Sorry I 've been hit - and - miss on Memory Monday lately . I 'll try to do better . However , one of the reasons I 've been so sporadic with posting at all ( and , in turn , reading and / or commenting on others ' blogs ) is because of my current church assignment - our ward 's roadshow . It 's a lot more time consuming than I originally thought it would be . But more about that later . This is MEMORY Monday . So I 'm going to write about one of the roadshows I was in when in Young Women 's . Somehow , the Laurel class got put in charge of writing our ward 's roadshow this time . For whoever doesn 't know what a roadshow is , it 's essentially a play that a group of people perform in different locations , like three different church buildings . We had roadshows in our stake every other year , so this one was my third . Anyway , because I thought I was all that and a bag of chips , I kind of took over writing the roadshow . Our theme had to do with time lines , or something , and it was our stake 's 50th . . . anniversary ? It had been 50 years since its creation , so whatever that would be called . So we chose doing a Back to the Future theme . The main plot was that Biff ( guy in the middle in the picture , who I dated for a while , actually ) went back in time and ruined some roadshows , so Marty ( guy on the right ) and Doc ( that was me , if you couldn 't tell from the costume ) had to go and fix them . We went to the 50s , and the 70s , and . . . is that all ? That 's all I 'm remembering . Our youth group was really big , and we had them do some dance / singing numbers with the words changed to songs that were from the different eras . Yes , it was cute . But , I was really selfish with it , and because I was so full of my drama self , I thought that my ideas were the best , so I kind of ended up writing it myself . Also , the lady that they chose as director wanted the guy on the right to be Doc . But because the script was my baby I wanted to be Doc . So I kind of forced her hand . Which , now , if a youth were to try to do that to me , I 'd be like , step down , punk . I don 't know why she didn 't do that to me , but oh well . So , very fun . Well , I had fun , anyway ; I have no idea if anyone else had as much fun . But the other roadshows we did as youth were fun for me as well . Fast forward to January of this year . Our 1st counselor pulled me and Pete aside and asked if we would be in charge of our roadshow . And we gladly accepted . We wrote our script in about a week , and we 've been full steam ahead ever since . We 've had a couple of dance practices with the youth , which has been fun , and it looks so great . Of course , we have a lady in our ward who does choreography at a dance studio all the time , so she 's made it look great . The biggest obstacle we 've come across right now has been music . We picked some different songs , and some of them don 't have instrumental versions available . So I 've been trying to write in some accompaniment to one of the songs on the piano , and then I 'm going to have to figure out how to record it . ( My piano can record , but for some reason I can 't find the cords that connect it to a computer to get it off the piano . Neat , huh ? ) But it 's worth it for this specific song . There is still SO much to do , and SO much to think about . And the show is at the end of April , so YIKES ! BIKES ! Hopefully it just all comes together , and ends up being as cute and as funny as I am envisioning . I mean , just because I think it 's funny , doesn 't mean it necessarily is funny , you know ? So , that 's my current time - sucker . Like I said , way more time - consuming than I thought it was going to be . But it 's been fun . And I 'm sure you 'll hear all about it in a couple of months ! In the meantime , I 'll try to keep up with my blog . For real , yo . We didn 't do anything crazy , so I can totally tell you about our awesome trip ! It was just me and Pete , and my mom watched our kids , which was wonderful of her . We left on a Friday night via plane and flew straight from our home town to Vegas , which took only a little over an hour , which is SO awesome . We had a shuttle take us to our hotel , and after we got all checked in and found our room , it was about 11 p . m . Mountain time , and we hadn 't had dinner . The awesome thing about Vegas is that there are restaurants in the hotels . There was a Baja Fresh on the ground floor of our hotel , so we got it to go and ate it in our room . I got a chicken burrito thing , with mango salsa and avocados on it , and it was to DIE for ! SOOOO yummy . Mmmm , just thinking about it makes my mouth water . It was so huge , like the size of my forearm , but I ate the whole thing in , like , 5 minutes . YUM . Here 's a pic of Pete by our room 's door , room 20166 . The 20 part means the 20th floor , and the 1 means the 1st tower . Each " tower " was actually two towers , because the even - numbered rooms of tower 1 were in a different segment from the odd - numbered rooms . So really , there are four towers . Also , where we caught the elevators had one side that went just floors 2 - 17 , and the other side of elevators was for floors 18 - 28 . Now , I 've been to Vegas before , but it was a really long time ago . I had forgotten how BIG everything is . Oh , and they gave us a little ( deceitful ) map of the Strip , so it looks not very big , but in all actuality , it 's so super huge and spread out . We found that out the hard way the next morning , as we went in search for our breakfast . We found a Denny 's ( which there 's at least five along the Strip ) , which was just across the street . But to get across the street , you have to go through the casino / maze on the ground floor of the hotel , down some steps , up an outside escalator , across a bridge thing , and then back down and over . We could see it from the other side , but it took us , like 15 minutes to walk there . While there I had a yummy drink , of orange juice , peach juice , and Sprite all mixed together . At first it tasted like Gummy Worms . That 's my best Gummy Worm impression that my finger can make . After I stirred it up a bit , though , it was really good . So , because we 're idiots , we decided to walk from our hotel ( Excalibur ) ( well , actually , from Denny 's on up ) , which is on the southwest side of the Strip , and go pick up our Phantom of the Opera tickets in the Venetian , which is northeast . Again , the little map was all deceitful and was like , " Look how close it is ! That 's not bad ! Just walk the strip ! YAY ! " Stinking map . By the time we got there , I was a little tired , but it wasn 't too bad . And it had warmed up outside , so it was nice . However , we decided , after getting our tickets , to walk back , down the other side . Going up the strip on the east side wasn 't all that bad . It was actually a pretty straight shot . Going down the strip on the west side , however , was entirely different . On the west side , you still have the escalators and all that , but it 's like , jig in , go up , go across , go down , jig out , walk down a little , jig in again . . . . yeah . Like a big ol ' zig zag . About halfway down my knee started feeling weird . And I felt all wimpy , because hi , we were just walking , right ? It just felt like it needed to pop or something , but it wouldn 't . So that was fun . We stopped and got our picture in front of the Bellagio fountain . Which of course wasn 't going off at the time , and I have no idea what its schedule is . I was under the impression that it goes all the time , but guess not . It was still pretty , though . And notice the short sleeves and sunglasses . Ah , to have warm weather . . . We went back to the hotel to rest , and by that time my knee was killing me , as well as my feet . Good times . While Pete slept , I watched a couple of awesome TV shows . One was called " The Stranger " , about this guy that started hanging out with a family , and he was all nice and calm , but it turns out he was on America 's Most Wanted , and he had killed his wife and set her on fire . Nice , huh ? The other show was called " A Twist of Fate " , where these two girls who totally look alike went to the same college and worked together , and got in an car accident . One was killed , and the other was in critical condition , but they got the identities mixed up , so the girl in critical condition belonged to the family that thought their daughter had died . Eventually they figured it out , but weird , right ? We got all dressed up , and after managing to pull ourselves away from the TV ( read that last phrase sarcastically , okay ? ) , we had a late lunch at Rainforest Cafe , which Pete pointed out tastes a lot like Chilis . And because we like Chilis , that was a good thing . Luckily , Rainforest Cafe was in MGM Grand , so we only had to go through our hotel maze , up and down and around across the street , and then into MGM Grand 's After that , though , we caught the monorail thing up to Venetian . The monorail thing is kind of behind the east side hotels , and starts at MGM Grand . And the Deceitful Map was all , " Look ! There 's a stop at Harrah 's , which is totally right next door to Venetian ! No more walking for you ! YAY ! " So we got off at Harrah 's , but then we had to go through that hotel 's maze , and out to the road , and then there were five million shops between Harrah 's and Venetian , and then into the Venetian , and through its casino / maze , until we finally reached the theatre . Oh , and I was doing all this walking in heels . So not only did my knee hurt , and my feet hurt , my ankles also hurt . Good times . However . Phantom of the Opera . PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ! ! ! ! That was the whole reason we wanted to go down to Vegas , because the Venetian has a permanent Phantom stage . I bought tickets beforehand , and we sat on the VERY front row . I wanted to get a picture of me in front of the orchestra pit , which was about four feet in front of our seats , but there was a worker there that was a Camera Nazi . I got down in front of the pit , and she came over and was all , " NO CAMERAS ! ! ! " I was like , I just want a picture of how close we are . And she 's all , " NO CAMERAS ! ! ! ! " So , I didn 't get a shot of us in there . Since I don 't have a picture of how close we were , let me describe how close we were . We were so close , we could see their mics on their foreheads ( it was a little peach bump ) . We were so close , we could hear Christine 's dress rustle as she walked around . We were so close , we had to look behind us to see the chandelier fall . We were so close , that we could feel the heat from the flames that came up on stage . We were so close , that when the singers turned from singing to the back of the stage to the front again , we could hear their actual voice ( instead of just hearing it through the mic ) . We were so close , we could hear the conversations of the orchestra members prior to the show starting . We were so close we could see their eyeliner lines . Afterwards , we walked ( well , Pete walked , I hobbled ) to the Cheesecake Factory . I had a super yummy salad , and we got cheesecake to go . We totally grabbed a taxi on the way back to our hotel , which was worth every penny ( and really , it wasn 't super expensive ) . Note to self : next time I go to Vegas , I 'm taking a cab everywhere I go , even if Deceitful Map tells me it 's not very far . My cheesecake was so good , but I could only eat about 2 / 3 of it because it was so rich . That made me really , really sad . While we were there , I made Pete gamble a dollar . That 's right - one smackaroo . He went up 50 cents , then lost it all . NO ! Not our dollar ! So Sunday morning , we totally got sucked in to going to a time share pitch . In exchange for our time ( a couple of hours ) on Sunday morning , we got a free lunch and a free ticket to the Tournament of Kings , which is the dinner show that Excalibur puts on . We took a shuttle out to " the future of the Strip " , which is further south . And the condos were nice , but SO overpriced it wasn 't even funny . What was funny , though , was the saleslady . We were all , sorry , it 's too expensive . And she 's like , well , let me check and see what they have going on right now . And she 'd come back with this SUPER AMAZING DEAL that must be a typo and we can 't pass it up ! We said no about 4 times , and she got the message after slashing the price to about a third of the original price . We went downstairs , and went into another room , where we met with a guy , and he was all , " I can offer you this same deal for half the price . " We were like , dude , no , and where is our free stuff ? We finally got back to our hotel via shuttle . I guess if you signed to buy a condo timeshare , you got to ride back in a limo . So we started joking with all the other people on the shuttle that it was the Loser Bus because we didn 't get timeshares . But in all actuality , we were the Smart Bus , and I don 't mean that as a joke . Was it worth it ? Hard to say . Because we got a ton of stuff out of going to the presentation , but we wasted a good three hours there . Would I ever go to a timeshare presentation again ? Probably not . But if you 're into getting free stuff , and are great at saying " no " about 50 times , then you should totally do it . We ate our FREE buffet lunch , which was like glorified cafeteria food , then hung out at our hotel room again . And this time I slept and Pete watched who - knows - what on TV . Then we went to the Tournament of Kings . If you don 't know what it is , it 's a show about King Arthur and the different kings from different countries . You eat your meal ( chicken , potatoes , roll , broccoli ) with your hands , and watch as the kings fight each other . We sat in the France section . It 's so fun . You get to yell and cheer for your guy , and boo at the bad guy . They joust and sword fight in the arena right in front of you . I had gone to this before when I was in high school , but Pete had never been . I couldn 't believe how well - trained the horses are . And the guys are SO good at their stunts ! So , so fun and entertaining . I 'm sure my boys would have loved to see it . Afterwards , we decided to walk again ( you 'd think we had learned our lesson , but NO ) , mostly to find souvenirs for the kids . But it really wasn 't very far this time , and I wasn 't in heels , and my knee was feeling better . We went to the Coke store . I had my camera out , and a lady in there was all " I 'll take your picture with the Coke bear ! " But I thought she was yelling at me like the Camera Nazi had the night before . So I was all , " I 'm putting it away right now - sorry ! " But then I heard her the right way . The bear kept taking Pete 's hat off . I loved the Coke store . But I love Coke , so , you know . After that , we had to go back to our hotel room to sleep . We 're boring and old that way . We had to get up to catch our shuttle and flight the next morning anyway . And . . . that 's it . It was a fun , albeit short , trip . But it was nice to get away , just me and Pete . I don 't know when I 'll be heading back to Vegas , but when I do , I 'm getting taxis everywhere I go . And I 'd see Phantom again . And eat my yummy cheesecake before my yummy salad . And not listen to Deceitful Map . Sadly ( fortunately ? ) , I don 't have a picture of Ivy potty training . Because once again , it went so fast . The reason I have a picture of Tinkerbell was Ivy got to have a Tinkerbell sticker if she went poop in the toilet . And she loves Tinkerbell . Let me start from the beginning . I got an awesome book from my friend Chelsey , who used it while training her triplets . She said it worked like a charm . It 's called Potty Training in Three Days , or something like that . You 're supposed to train your child when he / she is 22 months old , which would have been super awesome . But that time came and went for me , and I had just trained Troy , so I was ready for a break , and I didn 't feel like Ivy was ready to train . However , she started doing the same thing Troy had done , and sat on the little toilet before bath time , and went pee almost every time . So that was good . That meant she knew how to let go when she wanted . She did that for a few months , at least . Then she started showing more signs , like wanting to sit on the toilet , and going and getting a diaper when hers was wet . One day in September or October , I asked her if she wanted to go pee in the toilet all the time , and wear big girl undies , and she said yes and seemed super excited . So one morning I had her go pee and we put the big girl undies on her . A half hour later , she had peed in them , but didn 't tell me or even react to it . So we cleaned it up , and put new undies on her . Which she peed in them about an hour later . After I cleaned her up , I asked if she wanted to wear big girl undies still or if she wanted a diaper , and she tearfully asked for the diaper . She wasn 't quite ready , and neither was I . And I really do think that the mom has to be ready as well as the child , because the mom has to deal with cleaning the accidents and helping that child run to the bathroom and all that jazz . For the next couple of months , I could tell that Ivy was becoming very aware of her diaper and its contents . She would poop and get this really squirmy uncomfortable look on her face and ask to be changed immediately . She would even bring me a diaper after peeing . She 's always been a great talker , so I knew that we would be able to communicate about going potty , which is also a great help . Not necessary , but nice . I knew we 'd have a week off of school and all our activities between Christmas and New Year 's , so I decided that that would be our potty training time . I made a little sticker chart for her , and we started the Monday after Christmas . She had little rainbow stickers for peeing , and Tinkerbell for pooping . It 's sad that I can 't think of any crazy mishaps that happened on our first day , but maybe that 's because we really didn 't have any . I know she 's had accidents , but really , we worked on it that week and that 's about all it took . She would have good days with no accidents , and then days with four accidents . But overall , she did really well , and started taking herself to the bathroom by the end of the week . I think it helped while we were potty training to have both me and Pete around . Because when I had to run an errand , Pete could be home with her , and vice versa . For the first few days , we would ask her almost nonstop if she had to go pee or poop . I 'm sure she got sick of hearing us ask , but then I think it helped to keep the subject in the forefront of her mind . Also , it helped that we didn 't have to drive to preschool , or gym , or wherever else , and I didn 't have piano lessons . We could concentrate on her instead of being pulled in 50 directions . I do remember when we started back into our daily grind , we drove Troy to preschool . I dropped him off , and got back to the car , and Ivy was scream - crying . I asked her what was wrong , and she cried , " I go PEEEE ! ! ! " I was like , oh great , she just had an accident in the car . I felt her bum , though , and she was dry . So I asked , " Ivy , do you need to go pee ? " And she was all " YEEEEEESSSSS ! ! ! " So I took her out of the car and asked Troy 's preschool teacher if we could use the bathroom . She held it all the way in to the house , which was awesome , and then went pee there . Also , I didn 't think that aiming for girls was a big deal . They just sit , right ? Wrong . Well , wrong for Ivy , anyway . Because when she sat straight up , the pee would go in the gap between the seat and the bowl , and get all over the back of her pants , or the floor . So then I had to work on having her bum hang down lower into the bowl , and lean her clear forward . And now that 's kind of how she sits by herself , which is nice . Another time , like a Saturday night , I noticed the bathroom door was shut , and the light was on ( this is after the kids were in bed ) . I opened the door to smell that really yummy smell . There were some undies in the sink , with poop in them , and the toilet was filled with toilet paper and kleenex , so much so that they were sitting in there dry . So poor little Ivy was trying to take care of her poop all by herself , and tried cleaning it up and stuff , and had apparently run out of toilet paper - hence the kleenex . The next day I told her that kleenex is for noses and toilet paper is for bums , and if she runs out of toilet paper to come get me and I can get her more . So hopefully my potty training stories were interesting , or helpful , or . . . something . If not , at least I have them written down . Because you can never type too much about this subject , apparently . Our little potty was pretty much a permanent fixture in our upstairs bathroom by this time . Once trained , all of my kids have wanted to use the " big tow - wet " ( big toilet ) , but have all trained on the little one . So , for a long time , Troy would use the little potty before baths at night , and actually go in it ( just # 1 ) . But I couldn 't get him to use it any other time . I didn 't try to force him into it , though . ( See ? I 'd learned . ) So that went on for a couple of months . Then I had my hysterectomy ( this is Oct . 2009 ) . So , just so I have it straight in my head , Jake trained in 2006 , Brock in 2008 , Troy in 2009 , Ivy in 2010 . While I was healing from surgery , my mom came over a lot and helped me out with things . And Troy LOVES my mom . He loves cuddling with her , and he 'd do anything for her . So she would ask him to go in the mornings , and he would . A little over a month after I had my surgery , I went to my doctor 's appointment to get checked to see how I was healing . And Troy had preschool - just a neighborhood thing that a few ladies and I did for our 3 - year - olds . Troy was the youngest in his little group , and , incidentally , the only one not potty trained . So I took him over to preschool and left for my appointment , leaving my mom behind . After preschool started , Troy pooped in his diaper . The poor mom was trying to figure out where the smell was coming from . When she found it was Troy , I guess a few of the other kids were all , " You still wear diapers ? " And he was soooo embarrassed . The mom called my mom , but she couldn 't go get him , and by the time I got back from my appointment the preschool was almost over . So the poor mom had to smell him the whole two hours , and Troy had to sit in it and be embarrassed for two hours . It definitely had an effect on him . He talked about it for a few days after . And that 's when I decided he was ready . That was his button - being a Big Boy , and keeping up with his peers . I made a potty chart for him . We started December 4 , apparently . I kept him in diapers , though , because I wasn 't wanting to clean up messes . The first day he went in the toilet only in the morning and before bed . The next day he did the same thing . But the following day , at church , no less , Troy told me he had to use the bathroom . I took him , and to my surprise he went . And . . . that 's that . He was good to go from then on . I put him in undies after a couple of weeks , and he 's been dry ever since . Which , P . S . - poor Jake ! The first kid really is the Guinea pig , huh ? When you just don 't know what to do , and so you flail around , and try all sorts of things , and then afterwards you figure it all out , and then it 's a lot easier on the next kids . If only it didn 't have to be that way . One thing I had learned is that I started Jakob on potty training too early . He had no idea what was going on , or how to do things . I think I started him so early because I didn 't want the three kids in diapers , but then after I did it that first time , it 's wasn 't the worst concept in the universe to me . So when I was pregnant with Ivy , I had zero drive to try with Brock until later . Another thing : when I was training Jake , I brought up the fact that it was taking a million years to train him to my doctor . He suggested having Jake clean out his own undies . I was like , I can 't do that to a 2 1 / 2 year old ! So I didn 't ever try that with him . But as I started contemplating training Brock , it sounded like a better idea to me . Ivy was born in May 2008 . I started training Brock sometime in July 2008 , so he was a little over 3 years old . Hence , I did the three kids in diapers thing for a few months again . Brock has always liked to be pampered . He loves getting sun lotion put on him because it 's like a massage . He loves getting his back rubbed . And , by extension , I think he really liked getting his diaper changed , because it was a form of pampering . But I could tell he was aware of his diaper and his " system " , because he 'd pause while playing for a minute . That was one of the signs I knew he was ready , but I knew I had to force his hand a little because of the pampering thing . So , we started , and we did cold turkey , meaning just straight into undies . I think because he was older , he did a lot better than Jake did at first . I still had him sit on the toilet often , but I didn 't do the hand in the warm water thing or the sticker chart . I did , however , have him clean out his undies whenever he had a poop accident . And he HATED it . I 'm sure most kids would , but he especially did because of wanting to be pampered and clean . We would have him take off his undies , and put them in the sink , and rinse them out really good . There was one time I took him to clean them out , and he was shaking , and he just reached one little finger out and just . . . touched the poop . I 'm like , no , you don 't have to touch the poop part , just the undies , but we need to make sure the poop gets rinsed out . He did really great - it took about 3 weeks for him to be trained . But after no accidents for a while , he pooped in his undies at my parents ' house , on my birthday at the end of July . I played the birthday card , so Pete ended up cleaning him up . And to do it , he had Brock stand outside naked while he hosed him off . A little cruel ? Yes . Effective ? VERY . A couple of weeks after that Brock had a pee accident , then two the following day . I was like , dude , no WAY are we going to regress . So I told him , " Well , we need to get you cleaned off because you peed in your undies . " I put him in the tub , turned the water on super cold , and started dumping it on him . He totally HATED that , but while I was doing it , I said , " No peeing in your undies . " He was like , okay okay okay ! He 's been great ever since . Now that I am TOTALLY COMPLETELY DONE with potty training , I 'm ready to document my diaper days . These are the stories of my adventures in potty training . We 'll start with the oldest , which I should probably title " How NOT to Potty Train Your Child " , or " First is Worst " . Here is a picture of me , pregnant with Troy , and CRAZY to boot . And yes , that would be Jakob , asleep on the toilet . Isn 't he just so stinking cute ? So . I started potty training Jakob the day after Easter , when he was a little over 2 1 / 2 years old . I had no idea what I was doing . I had heard , " Oh , you 'll know when they 're ready " , and " Just wait until they show interest " , and " Bribe them and celebrate any time anything goes in the toilet ! " Okay , then . We bought the little toilet , and some cool superhero undies so that he would get excited . Then I put the little toilet in my kitchen , and vowed that we 'd spend the day ( s ) in there until he got it down . Oh , and I only bought a 6 - pack of undies . Little did I know . Or maybe I was being optimistic . Either way , I definitely was not prepared . The first day he went through all 6 pairs in the first two hours . He would just go a tiny bit , and would always get this look on his face like " What in the world is traveling down my leg ? " After that , I put him back in a diaper for the rest of the day , until I could clean the undies and try again the next day . The next day was a little better , but not by much . But , I was also sick of spending time in the kitchen . I tried giving him a lot to drink , but the kid could only take in so much fluid . After a couple of days I got the brilliant idea to put his hand in warm water , to see if that would help him get going . We did the sticker chart , which he cared about for the first 3 stickers . Eventually , he got pretty good at peeing in the toilet , but pooping was a different story . We bought a toy for him that he had picked out and said if he went poop 10 times in the toilet ( not even in a row , but just 10 times ) , then he could have that toy . It took him , like , three weeks to finally " earn " it . There was a day , after months of cleaning poop out of undies , that I just lost it . Now remember , I was pregnant with Troy , which was my crazy pregnancy . Not that I 'm trying to make excuses for myself , but I had just had it . Everyone always says not to punish kids when they have accidents , but Jakob at this point was very aware of his BMs . He would run into a corner and stand there and poop instead of running into the bathroom . So he had done that , and I just started yelling at him , like , crazy yelling . Every time I flipped out during this pregnancy , and there were a LOT of times , it 's like I was watching myself be crazy . It 's like I was flipping out , and couldn 't stop it from happening , but at the same time my sane brain would be like , dude , what 's the big deal ? Just chill out already . So , this was one of those times . I was wiping Jake 's butt with wipes , and . . . I remember just doing a lot of yelling . And he was just so scared of his crazy mom . Not one of my best parenting moments . At that point , I decided that if I had to clean poop out one more pair of undies , I would probably either kill my child , or kill myself . Neither option was good . I didn 't want to go back to diapers , though . I settled on Pull - Ups . I still called them " undies " , but if he pooped in them , I could just throw them away , and I was okay with that . Then things felt a lot better , but Jake still had a bunch of accidents . Well , Troy arrived in August , and we had been potty training for 4 or so months by this time . Which sucked , but oh well . Troy was a super easy baby ( thank goodness ) . We just kept on keeping on with the potty training . One night , in October , inspiration struck . We were getting the kids ready for bed , and we said , " Look at Troy . He 's a baby because he pees and poops in his diaper . Jake , you must be a baby , too . " And the now 3 - year - old said , " No , I 'm not a baby ! I 'm a big boy ! " Us : " No , Jakob , you must be a baby , because you pee and poop in your undies . " Jake : " NO ! I 'm a big boy ! " I think , for him , he had to really see what he was doing , and realize that he could go in the toilet . He had to make up his mind that this is what he needed to do . And knowing that he was a Big Boy instead of a baby was the kicker for him . So yes , I had three kids in diapers at one time - well , technically , Jake was in a Pull - Up , but who am I fooling ? Tons of people have asked , " Wasn 't that the worst thing ever , to have three kids in diapers ? " Nope , it wasn 't . And I did it again , too , after Ivy was born . It was more like an assembly line - just line ' em all up and change them all at once . No biggie . I signed my boys up for a gym class for the year . Jakob had done a hip hop class last year , and really enjoyed it , but wanted to try something new . And I thought it would be a good thing for all my boys to do together . It 's a tumbling class . They 've all been doing great in it . It 's so funny to watch their different personalities come out while they 're doing the class . ( I haven 't been able to get very good pictures - because they 're so far away , and it 's so big and not super bright in there , they all come out blurry . So , there 's a good butt picture for you . I 'm actually kind of surprised at how flexible they all look right there . ) Jakob has been spastic . He 's gotten really good at front rolls and back rolls . He loves doing the different tricks on the long trampoline they have . Brock has been exact . He 'll observe the teacher closely and try to do it exactly right the very first time . Troy has been important . Even though he 's the smallest kid in the class , you 'd think he was the biggest . He 's just so happy to be there . They just got a new teacher - I think their other one went off to college or something . The new teacher has them grab onto a large rope at the end of their lesson , and swing out over a pit full of large foam cubes . Then they let go and fall in . It 's the best thing since sliced bread . It 's very Tarzan . They have a parent section , that 's up above the floors . One side has video cameras that play on some TVs , and the other side you can look down and watch . I like watching some of the other classes . There are some little girls that are amazing gymnasts . It 's like watching the Olympics every week . One lady comes and cross stitches the whole time . I asked her about it , and she said her daughter comes twice a week for 4 hours each time . She was all , " I guess I could be at home cleaning my house , but if she 's doing something she loves for 8 hours a week , why can 't I ? " I guess I could cross stitch as well , but instead I take my logic puzzles book . Which , for me , is still very zen . Ivy comes along as well , and I try to bring crayons or toys for her to play with . For a while she kept trying to steal a little boy 's food and toys . When I forget toys we munch on TicTacs . Have you tried the green apple ones ? They 're yummy , although they don 't necessarily give you fresh breath . There 's also a Russian guy that teaches there . At first I couldn 't really hear his accent . And I was like , dude , I wonder what he says to people when they ask what he does for a living . " I yell at little girls . " He doesn 't mean yell all of the time , but you have to yell to be heard in there - it 's very tall and open in there . The boys ' gym class starts right when I would be preparing dinner , and ends too late for me to whip up something afterwards . So I decided to make that night my crock pot night . My friend Arin lent me a crock pot recipe book , and I photocopied a whole bunch of ' em . I 've really liked all of them . And I LOVE being able to just dump everything in either in the morning or early afternoon , and it 's ready to go when we get home that night . If only every meal could be so easy . ( Well , I guess it could be , if we had crock pot stuff every night . ) Put the onion on the bottom , put the ribs on top . Mix the other ingredients in a bowl , and pour all but 1 cup on top of meat in crock pot . Put the remaining in the fridge . Cook for 8 - 10 hours on low or 4 - 5 hours on high . Heat up the sauce that 's been in the fridge , and pour over the ribs before serving . Cut meat into 1 - inch pieces . Dump everything in the crock pot except spaghetti or potatoes . Cook for 9 - 10 hours on low , or 4 1 / 2 - 5 hours on high . Serve over spaghetti noodles , or with mashed potatoes . |
Dance In The Dark is orignally a song by Lady Gaga . According to her , " the record is about a girl who likes to have sex with the lights off because she is embarrassed about her body . " I love the song and I love the meaning behind it . I 'd been thinking of a story for months about a guy who likes to have sex with guys , but he 's ashamed of liking it and is terrified of people finding out . So I sat down to write the first chapter , and when I went through my iPod , looking for a title ( most of my stories share a title with my favorite songs ) I compiled a list of songs titles that I could potentially use . But as soon as I heard the opening chords of Dance In The Dark , I knew that that was it . It fit better than any of the others possibly could . Like the girl in Gaga 's song , Dylan will do anything for Sean . He 'll do anything that Sean wants him to do , so long as no one knows about it . They can dance , ( or fuck , Whichever word you prefer , ) but only in the darkness of secrecy . This is the first novel I 've ever set up a specific playlist for . Well , two playlists , actually : one for Sean and one for Dylan . I 've compiled the songs that stuck with me the most while writing and that go best with each chapter 's theme . All songs are in chronological order according to the chapter they go with . The three at the very end are songs that fit with the arc of the story overall and I think that they tell it pretty well by themselves . Have a listen to the songs ; they 're all on Youtube . See if they grab you enough to convince you to read the book once its published . Finished the first draft of the new book today . I may be biased , but I think its bloody awesome . Not looking forward to editing , but publication is a must . . . Wanna know what it 's about ? Read below . Sean Summers and Dylan Mack are opposites in every way . Dylan is the school 's star athlete while Sean is the most dedicated worker the school has ever seen ; Dylan spends his weekends partying while Sean spends his studying ; Dylan prefers to use his fists to solve problems , while Sean tries to use his words ; Dylan is straight , while Sean is gay . Dylan and Sean have been best friends since the second grade . What starts off as a joke on Dylan 's eighteenth birthday spirals out of control into an affair that drives both boys to the heights of passion and the depths of heartbreak . Will they ever be able to be what they were again ? Will they even still be friends ? Or perhaps something more ? Brien Michaels only wants one thing for Christmas : his brand new boyfriend Angelo home with him . But Angelo 's parents are whisking him off to visit his grandmother in Minnesota for the holidays . Angelo wants to stay for Brien , but he can 't go against his parents . What are the two young lovers to do ? Brien Jeffries ' world comes to a sudden and screeching halt when Angelo , his boyfriend of over a year dumps him without warning and without explanation . His best friend Renee is quick to try to cheer him up by setting him up with the very attractive , very cocky Kirk , who Brien falls for almost immediately . But the ghost of Angelo is always lingering in the back of his mind , sabotaging any possibility of a future Brien and Kirk may have . After a late night visit from Angelo leaves Brien reeling and confused , he discovers that the reason behind the break - up is more shocking and terrifying than he could have ever imagined . It 's only been three weeks , but it feels like a lifetime . There are nights when I just lay awake , looking at the ceiling . Those are the nights that I prefer . When I 'm not laying awake , I 'm sleeping . And when I 'm sleeping , I 'm dreaming . Actually , dreaming is putting it lightly . I 've had nothing but nightmares since that night ; and they 're always the same . They 're always haunted by the images of Dean twisting and contorting on the floor , being ripped apart by something that I can 't see . I feel the tears welling up again , promising to overflow , so I tear myself away from the memory and force it back into its cage . After I 'm certain that the tears won 't fall , I look at the clock . It 's 1 : 55 . I don 't have a lot of time . I get up from my chair and move over to the window . I peel back the curtain and am certain that I 'm losing my mind . There 's a thick layer of snow covering the ground , and there are more thick , white flakes falling by the second . Another memory fights its way , unwanted , to the front of my mind . Dean and I are standing outside in the snow , my eye black and my nose bloody ; I can 't be any older than seventeen . He 's holding me , trying to console me after my drunken father has taken out all of his aggression on me . He pulls away and looks me dead in the eye . He promises that things are gonna be okay and he brushes snowflakes out of my hair . Then he freezes and just kinda stares at me , like he 's trying to take inventory of everything on my face . I see confusion behind his eyes , but it doesn 't show on his face . He starts moving in slowly and something in the back of my mind tells me that he 's about to kiss me , but I don 't believe it ; Dean would never do that , after all . Then there 's no denying it , and he 's still holding me , so I can 't pull away . His lips touch mine and , as soon as they do , there 's this weird feeling going down my spine and my lips feel like they 're on fire , but in a good way . I 'm rooted to the spot by the electricity that 's running through us , and then he 's really kissing me . All thoughts are wiped from my mind . All the pain is gone and its just me and Dean . One thought comes to mind . I 'm going to be addicted to these kisses until the day I die . I feel moisture on my cheek and it jolts me out of the past . The tears have finally arrived . I turn away from the snow - away from that memory - and go to the bathroom . It takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the light after sitting in darkness for so long . Once I can see properly again , I walk to the sink and splash water on my face . The mirror above the sink is cracked , but it still does not lie . I look like crap . A breeze circulates through the room from the window that I left open during my attempt at a shower . My skin tingles from the cold air and I look down at my arm . I 'm thrust into another memory . This one is Dean using his finger to trace his name and various other letters on my skin . He calls them his love letters . I can 't take it anymore . I run from the bathroom and back into the darkness of the main room . I flop back down in the chair and exhale . It terrifies me how much that sounded like one of Dean 's breaths ; how everything that I say sounds like Him . I look at the clock . It 's 1 : 59 . Will tonight be like the others ? I move to the window again and peer out of it . The snow is coming down harder than I 've ever seen it before . There 's a car approaching in the distance . How can anyone drive in weather like this ? A pair of arms wrap themselves around my waist and hold me tightly . They 're strong and muscular and I know that my time has come at last . Without looking at the clock , I know that it 's finally 2 am . Dean has finally come back to me , even if it 's just for this one minute . " Come with me . " I feel the breath on my ear and it sends shivers down my spine . I turn , ready to kiss those perfect lips and I stop when I catch sight of his face . This is the first time it 's been like this . It 's mangled and bloody and he looks so sad . I back away slowly , horror flooding me at the sight of my love 's beautiful face so horribly disfigured . I hear sirens and turn to look out the window again . The car that was approaching is speeding down the street with half a dozen police cars after it . I turn back and Dean is gone . The clock reads 2 : 01 . He always calls my name as he goes and I can feel my heart shatter as I realize that I must have missed that call . His new face flashes in my head again and bile rises in my throat . I have to save him . I run to the door , throw it open and dash out into the night . The tears are falling so thickly by now that , when I look up , I can 't tell the difference between the street lights and the stars . I can , however , see the seven cars rushing down the road at top speed . I run out in front of the first one and all seven hit me . Someone once said that when the music hits , you feel no pain . I wish I had music right now . I 'm coming , Dean . I 'm coming to save you . The day dawned like any other summer day . Nobody considered there to be anything odd in the air when they woke up on the fifteenth of July , they just got up and went about their normal morning rituals . It was Saturday morning so most of the kids were already laying in the living room floor , watching cartoons by the time their parents came down and started breakfast ; most of the teenagers were still asleep . Almost everyone in town was outside , enjoying a cookout organized by the local church when the Reaping came . At exactly noon , an uncharacteristically cold wind blew through the town of Water 's Eye , Maryland , and all of the adults in the town dropped dead . Teenagers stood , dumbfounded , unsure of what to do . Children burst into tears , because even though they didn 't understand what was going on , they somehow knew that their parents would never be there to comfort them again . Angelo took his first steps into Xavier High School , cursing his parents for up and deciding that they wanted to move at the end of the school year . He wasn 't going to know anyone . Sighing , Angelo removed the schedule that his mother had gotten for him the day before from his back pocket and scanned it . His first class was English with H . Small in room 312 . He grumbled obscenities to himself as he climbed the three flights of stairs and navigated his way to the proper room . When Angelo found the right room , he took a deep breath and tried to slide inside without anyone knowing . But even though school hadn 't even really begun yet , the room was already full and almost every pair of eyes inside of it turned in his direction . What kind of freak place was this ? Why was nearly every seat filled and the bell wasn 't due to ring for another ─ he checked his watch ─ two minutes ? " I assume you are our new student , " an irritated voice came from behind him . He wheeled around and found himself face to face with a balding man who he assumed to be in his late fifties . " Well ? " the man who was obviously the teacher asked , raising his eyebrow . Before Angelo could respond , a boy his own age squeezed past the two of them and into the room . He hadn 't seen much of the other boy 's face , but whatever he had seen of it had made him forget what he was doing . " Hello ? " The voice seemed to be coming from so close , but so far away at the same time . He brought his eyes back to the balding man 's in front of him and suddenly remembered everything . He couldn 't seem to form words , so he merely nodded and held out his schedule for Mr . H . Small to inspect . He swallowed hard when his teacher gave him back his schedule and directed him to a seat on the other end of the room , a gracefully far distance away from the intriguing male who , unbeknownst to him at that point , had just walked into his life . When the bell rang and class began , every eye in the room was glued to the chalkboard , diligently taking notes on the lesson . Angelo 's eyes were steadily becoming unstuck , however , as he fought not to look in the direction of that boy whose name , he found out halfway through the class when he answered one of Mr . Small 's questions , was Brien . He couldn 't understand why his eyes were so hungry for and ready to devour every inch of the other boy 's face if given even half a chance . Angelo was starting to perspire with the effort not to look so , cursing himself , he tore his eyes away from the chalkbSomething was so very wrong with this situation . Brien had apparently chosen the same moment to decide to look around the room and instead of just taking in his side profile , their sight lines met in the middle of the room and Angelo was captivated . His face started to burn from Brien 's eyes so intently watching him , but he didn 't care , he couldn 't seem to take his eyes off of his classmate and didn 't dare try . Why wasn 't Brien looking away ? Why couldn 't he ? He wondered desperately if the same feelings that were coursing through him were making their way through Brien as well . But he wondered even more desperately why these forbidden feelings were coursing through him . He 'd never been attracted to a male before , but he could tell that he was most definitely attracted to Brien ; even if he tried to deny it to himself , the sudden tightness of his boxer - briefs would have stood proudly in rebellion and proclaimed it as fact . Angelo was suddenly imagining himself throwing Brien down to the floor and doing things to him . They were immoral things … things that God would certainly not approve of . And then Angelo wasn 't seeing Brien anymore . He was completely lost in his own imagination and could only see himself and Brien alone , enthusiastically marking the desks , the floor , the walls and even Mr . Small 's abnormally large desk as their own territory like they were rabid dogs . He was lost in one such thought of Brien and himself consummating their new friendship on the window sill when a finger snapped in front of his face and he was brought , grudgingly , back to reality . He blinked twice as the room came back into focus around him . Most of the room was empty , but what concerned him the most was that the seat that had held Brien was empty . His eyes darted frantically around the room before coming to rest on a shirt that was covering a body that was standing slightly to his right . He followed the illustration of a monkey running off with some poor person 's arm up until he reached skin and then let his eye " Excuse me , " he said , and immediately cursed himself for sounding so weak . What was wrong with him ? Angelo was allowed passage as Brien stepped aside , but he tried to move too quickly and brushed against the other boy as he tried to squeeze past him . He shivered when their skin connected as the electricity jettisoned through his body and he vacated the room as quickly as he could without looking back . He couldn 't begin to describe how many things were wrong with what just happened . The darkness pressed in around Brien like a blanket wrapped tightly around a sleeping toddler ; it was complete , it was absolute . He didn 't know where he was , he just knew that he wanted to be out of this place as soon as humanly possible . He couldn 't see anything at all , and the silence in the room ─ if it was , indeed , a room that he was in ─ was deafening . Even though there was no light and no sound , there were definitely smells . The fragrance of burning wood hung thick in the air , but there was another scent mixed in with it . Brien couldn 't quite put his finger on what the smell was , but he didn 't like it ; he thought it smelled like roasting flesh . " Hello ? " he called , and the darkness absorbed the sound . There was no echo . Brien stopped walking , suddenly terrified of going one step too far and tumbling off the edge of wherever he was and falling through the darkness for eternity . " Hell ─ " he started to call , but as soon as he opened his mouth , the darkness that was surrounding him seemed to come alive . He could feel it moving and pulsating around him . The darkness crept along his skin like beads of perspiration and made his flesh break out in goose bumps . He tried to speak again and then some of the darkness forced its way down his throat . Coughing and gagging , Brien started to move again , now desperate to find his way to any form of light . He could feel the darkness spreading within him , painting itself across and claiming every part of his insides it could reach . He fell to his knees , the darkness that was now spreading across his lungs suffocating him . And then there was light and the darkness retreated . Brien audibly sucked back oxygen and looked around for the source of the light . A pyre towered in front of him , already ablaze ; the light that had so suddenly filled the room was the golden glow from the fire . At first , he couldn 't tell whether or not there was a person strapped to that heap of wood , but then he smelled roasting flesh again , and the scream that pierced the air like a sharpened dagger cutting through skin froze his blood . Suddenly he could make out the outline of a person engulfed in flames and screaming for life . Brien got to his feet and walked closer to the burning man . The closer he got , the more it felt like it was his own skin that the flames were licking . He opened his mouth to speak and coughed out smoke . He could feel himself being burned from the inside out ; his lungs blistered from the heat of the fire . The room was suddenly too hot for him to handle . He fell to his knees once again and cried out as he felt his skin begin to melt away ; one look at his hand showed him his skin dripping away in grotesque globs . The sight of the exposed muscles and bones that were now outrageously visible made his stomach twist and turn and lurch in ways that he had never thought possible . He forced himself to look up at the burning man once more as he felt the flames tickling the back of his eyeballs and tried to fight the terror that he was suddenly submerged in . He struggled to see past the fire that had sprung to life within him and could finally make out the figure . He was the one that was strapped to the pyre , being burned alive for something that he hadn 't done . Brien yawned deeply as he tried to focus enough to stay awake . He was sitting at one of the library 's long tables , attempting to read a book on HTML coding for his information systems class , but the words on the page merely passed through his brain , without leaving the slightest trace of meaning behind them ; he equated the experience with trying to teach a blind man sign language . A familiar scent wafted towards him on the wings of the air . He looked up hesitantly and saw Angelo walking out of the stacks , hand in hand with the girl that he seemed to have gotten so cozy with over the last couple days . He was smiling , which Brien thought was good , but his insides still clenched tightly at seeing his hand in someone else 's . Angelo looked around and their eyes met ; his body stiffened and the smile disappeared from his face . Brien held his gaze for only a moment before looking away . He didn 't have the energy to wonder what was going on in Angelo 's mind , so he went back to reading his book . " Go ahead , " Brien heard the girl say ; he assumed that she was talking to Angelo . A moment later she sat down next to him . " Hi , " she said . Brien looked up from his book , his expression dubious . " I 'm Jan . " He saw her hand extend as though she expected him to shake it . He turned to face her and actually took in her appearance for the first time . She was a resident of the plumper side of life with greasy hair and a smile on her fat face . But Brien thought he saw something else beneath that smile ; something malicious . " Brien , " he said , taking her hand against his better judgment . As soon as he had , he wished that he hadn 't . Something inside of him sprang to life and began clawing at the underside of his flesh , begging to be released so that it could tear her to pieces . The urge was so strong that Brien had become visibly uncomfortable . He could see that she was suppressing another smile . " I 'm Angelo 's girlfriend , " she said , enunciating the word as though she were talking to a toddler . " I know who you are , " he said , ignoring the hissing , spitting creature that was still trying to escape . " Angelo . " All traces of the smile that she once had were gone from her face . All that was left now was an expression that was deadly serious ; one that almost would have scared Brien under normal circumstances . But these weren 't normal circumstances . " I 'm going to say this one time , and one time only : stay away from him . You see him coming : you turn and go another way . If you hear him : bury your nose in a book . Don 't let him see you . Got it ? " Brien smiled . She sounded jealous , in his opinion , and he kinda liked it . He decided to play with her a little . " Why should I stay away from him ? " She looked mildly insulted . " Because I said so . And if you don 't , " she lowered her voice and leaned in as though she were about to share with him some secret of national importance . " I 'll cut your balls off . " Her expression went from insulted to furious . She clearly did not approve of being laughed at ; her face was purpling with rage . " Just do what I said , " she said through gritted teeth . Brien closed his book and stuffed it in his bag ; he slung the bag over his shoulder and got up from the table , then he leaned in to her , but he didn 't bother lowering his voice . " I 'm going to say this one time , and one time only . " He leaned in a little closer and she backed away a fraction of an inch , as though afraid that she was going to catch a contagious disease . " Make me . " He winked at her , smiled , and left her sitting at the table , looking dumbstruck . The creature roared in approval , but he could still feel its desire to tear her apart . Angelo was waiting outside the entrance to the library ; his head was resting against the faux brick wall . When he saw Brien he straightened up . Brien wasn 't smiling anymore . Now that he was face to face with Angelo he wanted to cry ; but it was tears of anger that demanded to be shed . " If you wanted me to stay away from you , " Brien said , voice breaking . He wanted to hit Angelo so badly that his entire body was shaking with the effort to stifle the urge . " All you had to do was say so . You didn 't have to send your lap dog to deliver the message . " An Insurrection : Nick has a killer living inside his head , trying to take over his body . Nick is fighting for what is his . But so is Nicholas . And Nicholas doesn 't like to lose . He felt heavy . Not the type of heavy that came from eating too much or even the type of heavy that came from being weighed down from too many objects . It was emotional ; it was mental ; it was . . . heavy . The road stretched out before him as he walked and for the first time , he actually took the opportunity to notice the things around him . There were trees on his left ; despite living in the suburbs of Maryland , it looked like it was a small forest , stretching upwards as far as he could see . On his right were houses . All but one of them had the curtains drawn and no light was coming from within ; it was almost midnight , after all , according to his watch . The one house that had light in its front window also had a lady staring out at him . The lady couldn 't be a day under ninety ; even in the dim light from the window , he could see her face drooping with her age . His sudden audience made Steven feel mildly uncomfortable , so he walked on . This was the first night in he couldn 't tell how long - weeks , months , maybe ? - that he had gone out on a walk . He couldn 't remember why he had decided suddenly to take a walk , or even leaving the house ; but one thing was for certain , and that was that it felt good to be out again . It felt right . Everything felt in place again . His head was finally clear for the first time since he had walked across the stage at graduation and taken his first steps out in to the " Real World " . He could think clearly and his breath seemed to be coming to him easier than it had in a very long time . He was coming up on an ancient looking building that he wasn 't sure that he remembered ; but it must have been there before , because buildings that old didn 't just pop up out of the ground , did they ? It looked like a dead end , anyway . He was about to turn around and head back home when he heard someone call his name . It sounded faint , almost as though it had been carried to him on the wind , and , a second later , he was sure that he had imagined it , but then he heard it again . Even though it had " Bad Idea " written a " Finally ! " the female called , and he recognized it at once . " I thought you 'd never get here ! " Janice jumped up and ran up to him to hug him . She giggled and broke their embrace . It was a giggle that had given him butterflies as far back as he could remember . " Of course , you were ! It was your idea , remember ? You said that you couldn 't wait anymore . What couldn 't you wait for ? " He wracked his brain , but couldn 't remember talking to her at all . Confused , he took her hand and the two of them walked back the way that he had come . The old lady watched them as they passed . " She 's creepy , " Steven said . Janice looked over at her . " Oh , come on , " Janice said . She jumped up and started climbing . After a few feet she looked back down and saw Steven still standing on the ground . " What 's wrong ? " she called down . " What , are you chicken ? " she chided . " Bawk ! Bawk , bawk bawk ! " She threw back her head and laughed before climbing further . Steven laughed and mounted the tree before climbing after her . When he got to the top , he saw her sitting on one of the branches , staring out at the world before her . He climbed out on the branch and took a seat next to her . " Wow , " was all he could say . It seemed as though the entire world was laid out before him , and it was a beautiful world . He could see the lights from the mall and the various other city lights ; the sight held him in awe . It was then that he realized that he was sitting on a tree branch . He felt lighter than he had when he had walked past this area the first time , but still too heavy to be sitting on a not so sturdy looking tree branch . He turned and looked at Janice . She was looking back at him , but there was something different about her . He couldn 't tell exactly what it was , but he knew that there was something . " What is this ? " he asked her . She smiled and touched a hand to his face . " It 's what you 're leaving behind , " she said . " What do you - " he started , but his question was cut short by a sharp pain in his chest . He cried out , clutching at his chest . It felt like there was a current running through him . The pain flared again , and this time he actually felt an electric shock . He cried out louder and clutched at his chest again . " What 's happening ? " he cried . Before Janice could answer , gravity got the better of him and he fell forward off of the branch . It felt like he was falling for miles , but he finally hit the ground ; strangely enough , it hurt less than the electrical current running through his body . Janice was right behind him ; she landed gracefully on her feet next to him and held out her hand . " What 's happening to me ? " he asked again . He didn 't understand how it would make this pain any easier to endure , but he took her hand and as soon as he did , lighting flashed through the sky . In that flash , he saw what she really was . In the flash he saw that it wasn 't really Janice . It was something in a black robe . Instead of a face , there was nothing there but a skull ; it 's horrible , empty eye sockets were staring in to his eyes . And then the lighting was gone and the face was Janice 's again . Before he could let go of the thing 's hand , he was on his feet in what appeared to be a hospital room . He looked around and saw a doctor standing over a body , paddles in her hand , trying to bring the poor person on the table back to life . With a jolt of horror , he saw that the person lying on the table was him . Everything crashed down on him in that moment ; the feelings of hopelessness and despair that had plagued him over the last few months , the constant anger and mood swings , the desire to end it all , writing the letter to his parents to let them know of his decision and telling them that he just couldn 't wait any more , and , lastly , swallowing the bottle of vicodin , and allowing himself to be swallowed by the perpetual darkness . " What is this ? " he demanded of the thing next to him that looked like Janice . The thing looked sad for a moment . " I 'm a reaper , " it said . " I 'm cursed to walk the world , collecting the souls of the people so that they can move on . " " To make it easier on you . " He heard the doctor sigh and he looked over at her . " I 'm calling it , " the female doctor said . She looked at her watch . " Time of death : 11 : 58 pm . " They pulled a sheet up over his head and he heard a wail from behind him . He wheeled around and saw his mother collapsing in to his father 's arms , tears streaming down her face . The reaper smiled , but it was a sad smile . " It 's too late to go back , " it said . " You 're in it for the long run . " " No ! " he shouted and he started running . He ran from the hospital room and down the hospital hall and , finally out of the hospital itself . He was back in front of the ancient looking building with the CONDEMNED sign on its door . The reaper was sitting on the steps once again . " You can 't outrun death , Steven , " she said sadly . " Especially when it 's a death you brought on yourself . " " Only you can answer that question , Steven " she said . " And now , you 've got all eternity to think about it . She kneeled down and lifted his chin . " A kiss to seal the deal , " she said . It didn 't take very long . Time flowed differently in the real world than it did in whatever place they had been trapped in ; that much was obvious . One look at the news was enough to tell Nancy , Jamie , Kyle and Jessie that one of the escaped demons had already found its way into a vessel . In the time that they had been gone , the country 's leader had changed considerably . In the beginning , he had been a fair and just man , with most of the Americans backing any decision that he made . But things were different now . In a short amount of time , according to the news anchor , the president had become a ruthless man who was willing to do anything to get what he wanted and readily killed anyone who stood in his way . " Citizens are living in a state of fear , akin to that which was created by the likes of Hitler and Stal ─ " There was a sickening cracking sound and the anchor 's head twisted all the way around . He shuddered only once , his eyes rolled up into the back of his head , and he slumped over onto the news counter , dead . The blood curdling shriek of the woman next to him pierced the air like a dagger cutting through flesh . Jessie looked away from the television , sickened . Jamie turned off the set . He looked better than he had , but by no means did he look like he was okay . He was in all black this afternoon and his eyes still had the red hew of a person who had only recently finished crying . It was nearly five - thirty in the afternoon and the four of them were all sitting in Jamie 's living room , trying to decide what the best course of action would be . " It makes sense , " Kyle said . " What ? " Jamie said , looking over at him . " Go straight to the head . If you want to be in the position of power , go for the most powerful man in the country . " Nancy scoffed . " What , you think they 're watching the elections down in hell ? Rooting for who they want to win ? How would they know who the most powerful person in the country is ? " " Duh ! " Kyle said . " Ever heard of Lucifer ? " " Please ! Lucifer is as much of a myth as the Easter Bunny , or Santa . " " How do you know he 's a myth ? " Jessie asked . " You know what ? Whatever . " Jessie turned on the couch and stared resolutely at the wall . " How do we tell who 's a demon and who 's not ? " Jamie asked , clearly trying to change the subject . " I don 't know , " Kyle said . " But we 're gonna have to figure it out before ─ " " Do you guys feel that ? " Nancy asked . For the first time in what seemed like days , the venom was gone from her voice and she had a look of genuine curiosity on her face . Nancy 's eyes clenched shut and she grimaced in apparent pain . " I need air , " she said and got up and ran for the door . They heard her throw open the door and then her own scream tore through the air . They all got up and ran to the door . The scene in front of them told them everything that they needed to know . Tiffany Jennings sat in the living room of the Wagner house , reading a rather interesting novel about an island of the coast of Florida . She was babysitting young Matthew Wagner while his parents were out to dinner . The light from the single lamp cast an eerie glow over the room , and provided the perfect atmosphere for the creepy story that she was reading . She was getting so involved in the book that she jumped when Matthew 's voice drifted down the stairs . Tiffany rolled her eyes . He would be afraid of his own shadow , she thought to herself , chuckling . But she wasn 't paid to think , so she bookmarked her page , got up and made her way up for the stairs . When she entered the front room , her heart skipped a beat . The front door was sitting open . It was only open a few inches , but that was still more than enough for someone to have slipped inside . Or , someone could have been attempting to close it , and thought better of it , assuming that it would make too much noise . She scolded herself for letting her imagination run away with her . She shut the door , locked it and started her trek up the stairs She paused outside of Matthew 's room . " Matt , what is it ? " she asked . No answer came from within , so she slowly opened the door and peaked inside . Matthew was sound asleep in his bed , curled up in his Superman blankets and sucking his thumb . Tiffany thought for a moment on the oddity of the situation and then shut the door ; she refused to let her wild imagination have its way this evening . She made her way back downstairs . Maybe she 'd just been hearing things . That was the most likely answer , she believed . It was usually the case in large houses such as the Wagner place . As she re - entered the living room , she tucked her black hair behind her ears and sat down on the couch . She opened her book and no sooner had she read the first sentence than the phone rang . " Hello ? " She answered . The other line sounded grainy and she could hear a faint whispering issuing from it . " Hello ? " She repeated . She laughed to herself . " No , I 'm not alone , " she said sarcastically . " I 've got an eight year old and guard dog protecting me . " A chill ran down Tiffany 's spine . The volume of the voice was growing , and it no longer sounded like the whisper of Jeff Donnely . It now sounded like the voice of something angry . Something not quite human . " Who is this ? " She asked . " Don 't worry about that , " the voice said . " Are you all alone in that great big house ? " Tiffany did not respond . " It 's okay . I know that you are . Well , don 't worry about that , Tiffy . I 'll be there real soon . " And before Tiffany could say anything , the line went dead . She pushed the off button . She pushed the on button and place the phone to her ear , fully prepared to call 911 . There was only one problem . The phones were really dead . Her imagination started up , full speed and the fist thing that came to her mind was the old urban legend about the babysitter and the man upstairs . She convinced herself so thoroughly that things actually started falling into place in her mind . The open door , the strange voice from the sleeping boy , the mysterious phone call . She had to check on Matt . She got up from the couch , her book toppling to the floor , and rushed to the front room so that she could get upstairs . The front door was open yet again , but this time , there was someone standing in the entryway . The person was tall , dressed in a very neat black suit with a utility belt around the waist , and wearing a cat mask that Tiffany recognized as coming from the Halloween store up the road . Her fear paralyzed her for only a moment , and then she was running in the other direction , and the intruder was right on her tail . The intruder pushed Tiffany and she tripped over the low glass table in the middle of the room . Her leg hurting quite badly , Tiffany backed up until she was pressed against the couch . " Please don 't hurt me , " Tiffany sobbed as her assailant drew a rather large ax from his utility belt . He raised it in the air and , before she could mutter so much as another syllable , began chopping away at the young babysitter . Tiffany 's head parted company with her body and rolled acroPosted by The first murder happened in broad daylight . The victim : a teenage girl with no history of violence and no apparent enemies . The second was in a school auditorium . The victim was found lying face down on the stage , the body completely drained of blood . An eerie note is left at the scene , promising that the murders have only just begun . The town of Water 's Eye is in the grips of fear as a killer stalks the streets , picking off teens one by one , each body bled dry . The police are stumped , and as if the dead teens weren 't enough , corpses start disappearing from the cemetery . Is this the work of a single individual ? Is there a dangerous new cult in town ? Or are there forces far more sinister at work ? Brien stared out the window as the impala traveled further and further up the road . He had hoped that not looking at the person in the driver 's seat would calm him somehow , but that was not the case . If anything , not looking in his direction made Brien want Angelo even more . He knew that what he was feeling was wrong , but he just didn 't give a damn . The feelings had started to develop weeks ago , when Brien had accidentally walked into the bathroom and caught Angelo relieving himself in the shower . Things had been awkward at first , but in a couple days , Angelo had seemed to have forgotten the incident , while Brien was left with thoughts and feelings that he had never before experienced . Several times over the last few nights , Brien had woken up sweating and panting after having some erotic dream about Angelo . And what was worse , the dreams were only getting more vivid as time went on . He could feel Angelo 's eyes on him now . He prepared himself for the inevitable questioning . " What 's going on with you ? " Angelo asked . His voice sounded slightly hoarse from lack of use . Almost at once , an image popped into Brien 's head of him being the reason for Angelo 's voice sounding so husky . Brien 's breath caught in his throat ; he was not expecting Angelo to ever bring that up . " What are you talking about ? " Brien asked , trying to sound casual . " Since when do you want to talk about anything that doesn 't concern you screwing some bimbo ? " There was a hint of malice in his voice and Angelo picked up on it . " What the hell is going on with you ? " The car skidded to a halt in the dirt on the side of the road . Angelo looked over at Brien , who was still looking resolutely out the window . " Since when do you care who I 'm with ? " " You just don 't get it . " How could he possibly tell Angelo how he felt ? How could he find words to express the fact that he wanted to rip every shred of clothing from Angelo 's body and make him fuck him until Judgement Day ? " I 'm not asking you , " Angelo said , reaching over and grabbing hold of Brien 's chin . Brien swatted the hand away with all the force that he could muster and finally turned to look at the object of his affection . His breath caught in his throat . At this moment , Angelo looked sexier than Brien had ever remembered him . He was covered in a thin layer of sweat from the summer heat , his lips looked full , and his eyes were full of concern . Something took hold of Brien , and he took complete and total leave of his sanity . He grabbed Angelo 's face and kissed him so fiercely that both of them saw stars . For a moment , Angelo fought it , and then something fell in to place in his head . This is what was missing . Whenever he would kiss one of the random girls that he was with , it felt empty and meaningless . This kiss made him feel whole and pure , like it was the kiss that he had been waiting for all his life . Finally he gave in and before either one knew what was happening , both tongues were fighting for dominance . Before Brien could stop himself , his seat belt was off and his hand was roaming all over Angelo 's body . For once , Brien felt like he was doing something right . His hand snaked its way into Angelo 's pants and grabbed hold of Angelo 's cock and Angelo 's eyes snapped open and he broke the kiss at last . He wrenched Brien 's hand out of his pants , opened the door and practically tumbled out of the car . " Angelo , " Brien panted , opening his own door and climbing out of the car . He ran around the front and saw Angelo lying against the car . Brien extended a hand to try to help him up . Angelo got up and backed away further , his mouth hanging open and the confusion and disgust of what he 'd just done showing quite plainly on his face . The tears were starting to well up behind Brien 's eyes . " Angelo , please , " Brien said , shaking his head slowly , his voice breaking . " Please don 't do this . " " What are you ? " " I 'm still me , " Brien said , the tears streaming freely from his eyes . He took another step forward . Angelo stood his ground this time . His face was hard and his jaw was set ; Brien didn 't know if he had ever seen him so mad . " If you ever touch me or my cock again I will beat the shit out of you . Do you understand me ? " " Yes ! " Brien said , weeping harder than ever . Through is tears , Brien could hear Angelo walking away . The next thing he knew , he heard the car door slam and Angelo speeding off . Posted by |
Today a little piece of me died . Ever since I got my first job at the age of 14 all of my earnings have been mine . Of course as I got older and got better jobs , my take home pay went from a few bucks to quite a few bucks . Long gone were the days where a check of just under $ 300 was a lot of money that made my eyes bug out . I am a spender . Big time spender . If I have $ 5 , I wonder what I can buy . Money doesn 't burn holes in my pockets anymore because my pockets were burned out a long time ago . My husband is a saver . He is so frugal sometimes it is annoying . Remember the shoes ? I mean , he won 't even let me go buy cheap Tera cotta pots for a project without doing price comparisons . I kid you not . The pots that cost anywhere from . 89 cents to $ 1 . 30 . They say a lot of contention in marriages is caused over money , so when we got married we dodged that bullet by keeping our finances separate and dividing expenses and household chores . He paid the bills , I cleaned and cooked all while getting to spend my money however I wanted . Then we moved to Texas and had a baby . For some reason those two things caused my spending to get out of control . Not like crazy mortgage the house out of control , but enough for me to think something had to change . The more I tried to keep things in check , the more I spent . I am a total spendaholic . Buying things gives me a thrill . Even if its a pack of cheese . Sad , I know . Finally one day I asked Hubs to take over my finances because I obviously couldn 't do it on my own . He asked for my credit cards and told me to have my paychecks deposited into our joint savings . He would take over paying my bills using my money , and giving me an allowance every week . At first I cried . I sobbed . I felt like a piece of me was dying , but I was doing this for the greater good . I don 't want my daughter to learn how to spend like I do . I want her to learn to be responsible like her dad . This was the best way I could teach her that . After I had a good cry , I was ready to start our new joint system . Today , my husband and I Posted by This is going to be a short post , as it is 12 : 30 a . m . once again ( what is it with me at being on here at 12 : 30 ? Good grief ! ) , but I made a promise to the ever so sweet and lovely Hannah in my last post . Last Friday I went out to get the mail , completely oblivious to what awaited me on the other side of the little metal door . When I opened it , I saw a package inside . I figured it must be for DH , as I hadn 't ordered anything . Upon inspection , I realized the package was for me , and it was from Hannah ! When I opened the envelope , I found this super adorable outfit in it for the Munchkin , along with a hand blown glass angel , and a sweet card . I wanted to put the Munchkin in the outfit right away , but decided to wait for a full day when I had her home with me , which was this past Thursday . I totally enjoyed watching her romp around in this super cute outfit , and I thought of Hannah all day . Thank you so much for the sweet , thoughtful gift Hannah ! I enjoy it more than I can say , especially because it came from you . I wish you all the very best on your current cycle . I pray that God blesses you with a baby . You and Steve will make fantastic parents , and I long to shower you with gifts too . I 've got my fingers crossed , and as I did for Fran , I 'll braid my dog 's hair if it gives you that little bit of extra luck that you need for this cycle to take . : ) Hey friends ! I can 't stick around long . I 've got the baby home with me for my last day off work , and she is demanding attention . We 're going to head to Targae in a bit to go get some of those new pretzel M & M s . Anyway , I have a great post coming up later tonight , but I just wanted to let everyone know I did call the doctor and left him a message . He called his assistant and she called me to schedule an appointment for Tuesday . I asked her if she thought I needed to get in to see my OB , and she said if I was bleeding a lot , then I should , but if it is just a little or only spotting , then I should be fine . Well , true to murphey 's law , the spotting and bleeding completely stopped after I made the initial phone call . Go figure . I 'll keep my appt for Tuesday just in case I need it , and I 'll do half days at work until then . I will be catching up on blogs tonight before bed . Fran I hope you have some awesome news ! The dogs were braided ! And Hannah , I have some pictures for you ! : DTTYL I 'm not sure why I am even blogging about this because it is probably nothing . I guess I 'm just putting it out there because I 'm not sleepy yet , even though it is 12 : 30 a . m . again , and because it is on my mind . I think something isn 't right . It could be nothing , but I am still concerned . I had bright red blood today , and I can tell you , it isn 't due to AF . No friends , she came and went last week . I am on about CD12 , and am not due to ovulate for another week . On top of that , I feel pain at the top of my uterus , which is exactly where the surgery was performed . I also have cramping , but that could be caused by the blood irritating my uterus . I called my doctor yesterday to give him a rundown of how I was feeling and asked if he thought I was ready to go back to work this Friday , which was before all of this bleeding and cramping started . It turns out he is in Orlando on vacation with his family , but this man is so devoted to his job he called me back . He was not put out at all . He 's seriously a great doctor . He told me he thought I would be fine to go back to work and walked through my symptoms with me , helping me understand each one . He then told me that if anything came up , I was to call him straight away . He had already called my OB ( the one who referred me to him ) and told her that I am to call him first and then get into see her if anything comes up . I didn 't think that would be necessary until tonight . ~ ~ TMI Alert ! ~ ~ Before we hung up , he asked if I had been constipated ( I know , chuckle away ; I am ) . I told him not until the last day or so . He told me that is common with the type of surgery I had , and to be sure I was taking medication to help with that , so last night I took my " helper " pills . This morning it took a little effort on my part , but I finally dislodged the enemy . That is when the red bleeding began . I have had slight spotting the last few days even without the constipation , and I will be honest , I 've been concerned about it , but didn 't think it was enough to call the doctor over . Then last night when Posted by No , not that kind of man , but the kind where you sigh and say , " Man , that was crazy , " or " Man , what a day . " Do you gals every go through periods where your blogging just lags and you don 't know why ? I thought for sure my mojo would return in full force after the surgery , but it just hasn 't . I haven 't participated in ICLW for the last two months , partly because I already follow so many blogs I just don 't have the time to go reading new ones on top of trying to keep up with the ones I already read . That and every time I do ICLW , I add new blogs to my reader , as if I don 't already follow enough . Right now it is 12 : 30 a . m . , and I am a few short days away from going back to work . Somehow the past three weeks have slipped through my fingers and I haven 't managed to blog anywhere near as much as I thought I would . Partly because trying to keep up with everyone has gotten to feeling overwhelming . I still need to figure out a system . Maybe I will write blog posts one night and read blogs the next . Maybe I just won 't be able to do it all and need to give myself the grace to realize I can only do what I can do . Sure I want to keep up with everyone , but the bottom line is , sometimes it is just too much . * sigh * On the other hand , I know there will be a point where I get my mojo back , and I will blog my butt off . Read . Write . Comment . That day just isn 't today . I think most bloggers slow down during the summer . I know I did last year at this time . Its like we feel like because there are more hours of sunlight in the day that we need to be out enjoying them , and we do . I think blogs take a back seat a lot during these months . Then when fall rolls around , the days get shorter , and the temperatures drop , we look forward to the warmth of a computer and a good blog read . Friends , please know that even if I don 't read and comment on every single blog post , it doesn 't mean I 'm not thinking about you . None of you are ever very far from my thoughts , heart , and prayers . I talk about you all often , and I have my friends thinking of and prayinPosted by Before my surgery I knew that there would come a point where I would have an inner emotional melt down . Surgery and I don 't always do well together , and at some point I get frustrated with the limitations of my healing body . When this happens , I tend to get a little depressed . Today was that day . Last night I lay in bed as a virus ravaged my body , causing me to have one of the worst night 's sleep of my life , and I contemplated asking my doctor to give me another week off work . In between wake and sleep , I practiced what I would tell my doctor to convince him I needed more time to heal , as well as how I would tell my boss I wouldn 't be back in on Friday . There is a part of me that wants that week to just lay around and do nothing or get caught up on things around the house , but there is an equal part of me that just doesn 't think my body is ready to go back to work and sit in a chair for 45 hours a week . I can 't go on long walks yet . I am currently walking about a quarter of what I normally do , and even that is stretching it . By the time I decide to turn around , it is because I am uncomfortable . I am not back to going grocery shopping for long periods of time . Driving is still not very comfortable , especially where the lap belt sits right across all of my incisions . Sometime this afternoon , my emotional meltdown started ( of course it could be due in part to the fact that I was sick as a dog yesterday ) . I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget that time was marching forward . I wanted life to just pause until I was ready to hit the play button . Who knows when that would be ? It made me sick . I wasn 't ready to go back to work and face the drudgery of every day again , yet I could tell if I was feeling that way about life , it was time to get back to work . If you 're going to do it , you might as well do it both feet first , right ? I talked to DH and my dad and told them how I was feeling . They both agreed that the best thing for me to do is to go back to work on Friday and see how it goes . Maybe I won 't even be able to make itPosted by My husband rarely spends money , and when he does he has to research the crap out of it and then ruminate over it for a few weeks . When we got married he came with a nice pair of leather Oa . kley flip flops that he wore every where . When we moved to Texas and he started mowing our massive back yard filled with dog crap ( insert sheepish grin here , as I am supposed to be the pooper scooper for my dogs ) , the shoes started to be left outside and worn less and less . Eventually they just stayed outside by the back door , only to be worn when mowing the lawn riddled with land mines . For the last few months ( read : year ) all I have heard is him complain about how he used to have such nice flip flops , but that they weren 't nice anymore because they had been left outside because they had dog poo on them at some point . I kept asking him if he wanted me to buy him new ones , and his answer was always no because he didn 't think it was possible to find any as nice or that he would like the way he liked those ever again . * eye roll * Two weekends before my surgery we got a baby sitter and went out for the night . We went to the outlet mall just to look around for fun when he came across a shoe store sporting many varieties of leather flip flops . He tried on a dozen or so pair , and then walked out , empty handed . It seriously annoyed me to no end because I knew it would not be the end of his lamenting the loss of his old flip flops . To him , making a $ 40 purchase on flip flops is a big deal and must be thought over for weeks , if not months before purchasing . Its annoying . THEY ARE SHOES ! ! ! Just buy the stupid things ! To finally get to the point of this story , DH told me last week that he wanted to ask me to buy something for him , but he felt that because I am a shopaholic , it was like asking an alcoholic to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine . I told him I would love to buy something for him , and it was perfect because I would get to spend money and it was on something he needed , so he told me he had finally decided to buy flip flops , Posted by Dear blog friends , I am sorry for being such a boring blogger lately . I just haven 't had much to write about . I mean , all I do every day is lay around on my backside and heal . Boring ! Last week I was kind of crazy though and went on a cleaning rampage around my house . It needed a good , deep clean , and I took this time off as an opportunity to both clean my house and overdo it after my surgery . I 'm not sure if all I have done the last 4 or so days is sleep because I 'm tired from overdoing it last week , or if it is because I 'm bored . Seriously though , all I want to do is sleep . Don 't get me wrong , I am enjoying each and every single second of this recovery and the opportunity it has afforded me to slow down a bit . I think I will be back to work before I am really truly ready . But then again , are we ever ready ? Not only that , but I know that the chances of me having time off like this from work again are not very likely . Next time I have uterine surgery , it had better be to deliver a full - term baby ! Even then , I won 't be lounging around with nothing to do but sleep . So , as I said , I am enjoying it . I actually have a few things I could and should still be working on while I have so much free time , like the curtains I have been trying to put together for the last few months . But for some reason , I lack the motivation to do that right now . I still have another week before going back to work , and I know that if I tell myself now I will get them done by the end of this week , they will get done , so that will be my goal - - to get the curtains done by the end of the week . When I went home to see my parents last month , my dad gave me a bunch of my grandma 's old jewelry that his sisters didn 't want . Upon looking through it , I noticed a common theme : it was all broken . My dad offered it to my sister first , as she makes jewelry for a living , but she declined , so I took it and told my dad I would repurpose it myself . In that bag of beat down necklaces , I found a ring . I pulled it out and tried it on . It was broken and the stones hadPosted by Living in the moment has not always been easy for me , as I am sure is the case with most people . When I was younger , I had a hard time giving up the past . I didn 't want to grow up when I was a child , and became depressed when I went into middle school because I wasn 't ready to be an adult . Sometime after I graduated from high school , I was constantly living in the future , wishing my life away . I was always trying to get to the better things in life that were just around the bend . I couldn 't wait to graduate from college , start a professional job , get married , start a family , get through each month of treatments to see if I would get a BFP , get through each week of pregnancy so that I was that much more pregnant , start trying for another baby , passing a year without being able to try , and getting my surgery over with . Over the past 16 months though , I have really started to learn how to live in the moment . For the first time , I want each moment to pause , to last a little bit longer so I can savor it , hold it in my hand , and cherish it . When my daughter was born and I went through PPD , I had the hardest time with each second that passed . Every minute that went by was painful . I was so afraid that if I went to sleep , I would wake up the next morning , and my daughter would be 16 . I was honest to God afraid that would happen . That I would miss her entire life in the blink of an eye . As a result , I couldn 't and wouldn 't sleep , which made the PPD worse . The inability to sleep due to excessive worry is apparently one of the big signs of PPD . I was caught between feeling each moment painfully pass by and the strong , painful desire to be pregnant again . I couldn 't have both . Either I wanted time to stand still , or I wanted it to pass in the blink of an eye . Which was it ? That just made everything even harder . After I finally sought help for my PPD , I started to learn to live in the moment , while being able to be appreciative of my past and hopeful for my future . I didn 't want to wish away one second of the Munchkin 's life , whiPosted by Okay , so there aren 't that many updates , but there are a couple . First up , I went and saw my RE today for my post surgery follow - up . It was an awesome appointment , and one that left me giddy all day . For those awesome details , visit this post . Thank you to everyone for your advice on the FB ordeal . It was really fun to read all of your responses . I got a good chuckle out of it . In the end , I went ahead and friended her . Like most of you suggested , I will probably unfriend her later . * evil laugh * She can snoop , see how fantastic my life is , and then be done . I mean , I kind of enjoyed doing the same with her . I can say , she has apparently turned into quite the artist . I wish I was able to express my creativity with paint the way she does . I 'm quite envious . I am also a little surprised that she isn 't married . When I knew her previously she was slightly overweight , but she was still an above average looking girl . Now she is quite pretty and thin . Maybe I 'll send her a message and say hello again . Like you all said , I have no idea what was going on in her life a couple of years ago , and maybe seeing my life was a sore spot for her . She probably saw me happy and married , all the while ignorant to what my life really was , as I was in the thick of infertility treatments . The grass is always greener , eh ? As for my BIL , we haven 't been in contact since before the Munchkin 's birthday in February . She did call my husband a couple of weeks ago and ripped him a new one about the fact that her dad had more pictures than I ever gave her , and that he had recent ones . Had I known she was yelling at him about that , I would have taken the phone and given her Cain for it . I still stand firm , if she wants to be a part of my family , she needs to apologize and be sincere about it , not call and rip my husband a new one for things that go on between her and I . I did ask DH after that phone call if he wanted me to send her pictures and cards . He told me that if he thought she needed those things , he would send them , so the fact that he hadn ' Posted by All right girls , I need some catty advice . How is that for a juicy intro ? lolBack when I was a sophomore in college I played trumpet with this other gal , we 'll call her Sandy . I never really had feelings either way for her , but if asked , I would say I liked her all right . She was definitely a superior trumpet player , and I respected her skill with the brass . However , when it came to guys , I was definitely the superior player . At one point or another , we both liked the same guy , but not at the same time , mind you . I let her crush run its course , and then I briefly tried my hand , and I do mean briefly . Partly because my attention span was so fickle when it came to guys . If things didn 't move fast enough for me , I was on to the next crush within weeks . I didn 't waste time on a lost cause . ; ) I think part of that side of me bothered her too . I dated a lot , and she didn 't date much at all . Regardless , I never had a beef with her . A couple years back , another trumpetess friend of ours , whom I still remain in contact with to this day , told me she had found Sandy on MySpace and suggested I add her as a friend , so I did . I went out and found her and wrote her an email , asking her what she had been up to , commented on her pictures , and told her a wee bit about where my life had gone since we last saw each other . She never replied , and she never accepted my friend request . " Maybe she never got on MS , " you say . Well , if you have been on MS , you know that it lets the world know the last time you logged on . She logged on almost daily . She was choosing to ignore me . Months went by , and I finally revoked my request . I really didn 't care . Obviously I had done something , unbeknownst to me , in our past that made her dislike me and not want to be in touch with me . No biggie . Well , a couple of weeks ago while I was at work , I got a friend request from her on FB . When I saw it , I sat back and chuckled . Seriously ? Why did she want to be my friend now ? Why had she ignored me a couple of years back when I wrote her that nice email ? I IMed one of myPosted by I would post about this on my primary blog , but as with most things on this blog , I don 't want people IRL reading it . This time it is not about me , but one of my best friends . She has entrusted me with a secret , and she doesn 't want people to know just yet what is going on . I do want to talk about it , especially in this community , but I need to do so in such a way that no one in our real lives will find it , figure out who I am talking about , and ask her about it . One of my very dear best friends has recently been diagnosed with MFI . She kind of knew things were up last year when she went of BCP and TTC for a few months with no success . Of course , knowing an infertile always strikes fear in those who are just starting to try and go even 3 months without a BFP . So one day she texted me and asked for the name of my doctor . My heart fell . To be honest , I knew she would have trouble TTC from the moment I met her . ( Remember how Ross said I have a bit of a gift myself ? I always knew I did , even before he said that . ) I had hoped my intuition was wrong , but it wasn 't . That night I went over to her house , ready to let her know what she could expect and to give her a bit of insight into the hell she was walking into . She was instantly on information overload , as we all are when we first embark on this hellish journey . I told her that I was always here for her , and if she ever felt like her head was spinning , to let me know . Ever since then , I have been on her journey with her . It is so bitter sweet . It is so hard to watch someone I care so very much about go through what I did , knowing full well the repercussions it CAN have on a person 's life . But I found comfort in that like me , she is a very positive person , and she refused to let this defeat her . It is sweet because I can be here for and with her every step of the way . She isn 't alone like I was . I know it helps her a great deal . I am so glad that everything I went through can now help me help someone I love . As soon as they were given a diagnosis of MFI , I gave her a copy Posted by ~ - ~ The Letter ~ - ~ Dear MIL , Ever since before I met you , I have wanted to tell you what has been on my mind about my husband 's past , his childhood , and the role you played in it . You constantly tell me that you were a good mother , and that you don 't know why your son dislikes you so much . You wonder why he doesn 't send you cards or call for your birthday or mother 's day . You don 't understand why he wants nothing to do with you . Well today , I am going to tell you . I want to start out by saying that a good mother is not someone who willingly buys her underage children booze , porn , cigarettes , or lets their girlfriend sleep over while lying to her parents . If you think that is what constitutes a good mother , it is no wonder you think you earned that badge . But that is not , by any stretch of the imagination , what makes a mother good . You taught your son very early on what it is to be abandoned . To be left behind for a selfish life . That your own happiness meant more to you than he did . You did not show him what love was . Instead , you taught him how to close himself off emotionally . For that , I thank you . Why do I thank you ? Because I am now tasked with trying to break down an incredibly thick and tall wall to access my husband 's feelings and emotions . He is apathetic about most things in this life , and I am paying the price for your lack of mothering . I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him genuinely happy : our wedding day and the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital . The rest of the time , he is so reserved , it makes you wonder if he cares about much in life outside of me and his baby . You taught him that he should eat his meals as quickly as possible without taking a single sip of water by bringing his abusive step - dad into the picture , who beat the shit out of him if he didn 't eat his meals fast enough . The same man who made him eat his own vomit when he ate too fast . You stood by and did nothing . You taught him you didn 't care . Is that what makes a good mother to you ? Does providing him Posted by ~ - ~ My Husband 's life ~ - ~ My husband was born to a very young mother who lived a hippy lifestyle to the max . I am sure she was there at Wo . odstock smoking doobies with the best of them when she met his dad , whom she married only to piss off her dad . She had been born into a life that gave her the opportunity to become whatever she wanted . They had wealth . Instead , she chose to skip school and party , scraping by a meager living . Then she gave birth to my husband . She had no idea what it meant to be a mother . When my husband was about 2 , his dad left the picture for good . Because my MIL had never bothered to make anything of herself , she could not raise my husband alone . A couple of years later , she dropped him on his grandparent 's doorstep and left the picture to pursue a selfish life of pot and booze . This was the only good thing she ever really did for him . Over the next few years , his grandma taught him to be responsible in all things . She taught him how to be a man , took him to swim lessons , and took care of him the way a mother should . Then one day his mother decided she was ready to take him back when she shacked up with an extremely abusive man . Together , they eeked out a living , and she gave birth to my husband 's half brother . For the next 8 years of his life , his step father beat the ever living shit out of him , while his mother stood by and did nothing . When he was 13 years old , his step - dad left the picture , and left behind his bastard son , whom my husband had learned to loathe over the years . He then went into a lifestyle that would befit someone with his background , he became a hooligan who thought it was fun to be chased by cops , blow up frogs , and all sorts of other stupid things . Then one day , he decided he didn 't want that life . He wanted the kind where he would get married , have a family , be prosperous , and happy . He determined he wanted to be nothing like his mother . If she drank , he didn 't want anything to do with it . If she smoked , he steered clear . If she liked sports , he hated them . Anything but to Posted by As you all know , I like to do series posts on this blog . Today while I was cleaning my kitchen , I thought of some things I would like to say to a certain person in my life , but I figure before I can get that out , I need to give some background . So today is part 1 of a 3 - part series . ~ - ~ My Life ~ - ~ Growing up , I had the perfect childhood . I lived in a family that loved the Lord , was close knit , full of love , respect , was well - off financially , and all of those other good things . My parents made sure us kids never did without . The girls had dance and piano lessons , and the boys were in little league . We all had more toys than we ever knew what to do with . If we wanted our own pet , we pretty much had it . I had a dog , my sister had a cat , I had fish out the wazoo . My parents took great pride in their children and being part of our lives . Now that I am a mother , I understand just how much my parents loved me . I thought I knew how deep their love was before , but now I realize I had no idea . My dad and I have always been very close . We have so much in common . We both love dogs , which no one else in our family shares the way we do . When I was in middle school , I wanted a 10 - gallon fish tank , so I bought one . My dad and I spent the next several years maintaining and upgrading it together . It was filled with all kinds of crazy fish , newts , frogs , crabs , etc , but the best part was how much it brought us together , and how much fun we had with it . When I started the 7th grade , I got to pick between being in band or choir . I wanted to be in the band so I could play trumpet like my dad and his dad . Over the next 10 years , my dad nurtured my talent . He was so proud of me , and I gave him every reason to be proud . My parents taught me how to be responsible , to have dignity and respect . They led by example . I grew up very close to all of my siblings , but especially my little brother . We have always said we should have been twins , even though we were born four years apart . We are two evil peas in an evil pod . Where one of us went , the otherPosted by I have something really cool to tell all of you gals . Ross was right ! My doctor came in to see me the morning after my surgery and the first comment out of his mouth was that the surgery was a little more complicated than he anticipated . I couldn 't help but smile . I asked him what " complicated " meant , but my husband interjected with another question at the same time , so it never got addressed . Never fear though , I have a follow - up appointment next Thursday in which I will ask all the questions I need answered . He did , however , say that everything else looked great . As an infertility doctor , he went ahead and checked out all of the things infertility doctors do anytime they are in the uterus , meaning he checked the ovaries and the tubes along with the ability for fluid to flow through the tubes . It was a relief . I am just so glad to have this behind me . As for now , I am just convalescing at home and enjoying every minute of it so far . I am sure the loving it bit could change in the next couple days when my cabin fever sets in , but for now , it is just nice to have a break from life . I can 't go anywhere or do anything except relax and take it easy . It ain 't so bad ! Now , I am finally , FINALLY off to catch up with everyone ! Loads of love ! After years of infertility and finally bringing a baby into this world , I battled with PDD and the trauma left over from IF . As my husband and I venture into trying for another baby , I have discovered that some scars never go away . This blog chronicles my journey through recovery and to being the person I want to be . |
We loaded up the car with our suitcases , tidied up the room and headed to the US Embassy just as the sun came up . I couldn 't believe how busy the roads were already . People and cars everywhere . We arrived at the Embassy at 6 : 15 am for our 7 : 00 am appointment . Sonia did not want to wait in the Embassy with us , the air conditioned waiting room hurts her injured arm , so Margarette from BRESMA , who also had an adoptive parent with an Embassy appointment , met us and waited with us . There were already at least 50 people waiting in line , standing outside the Embassy in the hot sun . We took our place in line . Christina was a bit apprehensive , it was noisy , dusty and crowded , so I held her . We waited in line in the hot sun for about an hour before a guard looked at our paperwork and told us to stand in yet another line . A group of people had already been let inside the building , but we had to continue to wait outside . At one point I asked Sam to hold Christina for a few minutes , my arms and back were killing me . She allowed him to carry her for a few minutes but then asked for me again . How could I refuse ? A little Haitian woman standing in front of me could tell my arms were tired and she said to me in broken English , " You should put her down , she is big enough to stand . " But how could I explain to her that if Christina requested I hold her , I was going to hold her , no matter how much my arms ached and back screamed ? So I said I was ok , and I could tell she was thinking " that crazy American , holding that child when she should stand on her own . " Finally we were allowed inside the building . We went through 2 security lines . I had given Christina her little purse to carry with a few toys inside to keep her occupied while we were waiting . One of the toys was an empty bubbles bottle - - the guards had no idea how to handle that : did it have liquid in it ? Why was I bringing in an empty bottle ? I almost just threw it out for all the trouble it was causing . We walked into a waiting room that looked like any standard government agency in the States , rows of hard plastic chairs filled with waiting people armed with paperwork , a wall of receptionist stations behind glass . Except instead of waiting for hours to renew a driver 's license , these people were trying to get permission to enter the United States . At first Christina sat quietly on my lap . But after an hour she warmed up a bit and played with the toys in her purse , chattering in Kreyol . At one point she repeated a phrase over and over , trying to tell me something , but I couldn 't figure out what she was saying . A woman sitting across from us finally spoke up and said " she wants something sweet " . She had just watched me put a mint in my mouth and she wanted one too ! It made me realize how many people were listening to and watching us , three white Americans with this little black child . During the first two hours of waiting only two people got called to the window . Most of the time the reception windows were empty of workers . Didn 't seem very efficient , if you ask me . But Christina was an angel . She played quietly , never fussed and was very patient . Finally it was our turn . We went to the window , handed over our paperwork , answered a ton of questions . We were told to sit back down and wait until our name was called again . Another hour passed before we were called up again . We were given a sheet of paper with checkmarks next to our missing documents , as well as a date for Sonia to come back to the Embassy for an interview to verify that Christina is a true orphan , since it is impossible to interview Christina 's biological parents . We were told we have to turn in all of our paperwork or ask for an extension by October 29 . I am sure we will be asking for the extension , because until we get through Parquet Court we won 't have the required paperwork to turn in . Margarette says the interview is a new requirement . Thank goodness Sonia will be back from her trip before her interview so we don 't have to reschedule . After 5 hours of waiting , we were finally done . We met up with Sonia outside , who had waited in the car that entire time . Since Margarette 's parent had to go to the airport as well , we loaded his suitcases into our car . Sonia told us she would go back with Margarette and our driver would take all of us to the airport and then drive Christina back to the orphanage . While we drove to the airport I tried to explain to Christina that we had to leave , but we would be back . Her face turned sad and she stared into space . The same blank stare she gave us the last time we left her . I held her and rocked her , trying to get her to understand what was happening . My heart was breaking . We arrived at the airport and she tried to get out of the car with us . We sat her back on the seat and buckled her in , telling her we had to go , but would return to visit soon . She started sobbing , big tears streaming down her face , her little arms grabbing for us . I think she would have gotten on that plane with us if we had let her . Leaving her in that car was the hardest thing I have done so far during this 18 month process . We made our way to the check in line , being pushed and shoved by people trying to get in front of us . An airport employee noticed Weston 's arm and took him to the front of the line . But he wasn 't going to let us go with him , until he looked at me and decided I must be Weston 's " petite fille " ( little girl ) and he let us join him . I wasn 't going to try to explain I was an adult if it meant we could get to the front of the line - - we would be lucky to make our flight , as busy as the airport was . Of course the employee wanted a tip , which we gladly paid . Another employee grabbed my suitcases and shoved them through the first of three security checkpoints . After our belongings made it through he too demanded a tip . Weston offered him a few bucks and the man said it wan 't enough . Weston would not budge and the man stomped away . I guess 5 dollars wasn 't good enough for him and his 30 seconds of work . A few more lines and we were on the plane . We never stopped walking and didn 't even get a chance to use the bathroom or grab a drink . But we made it . Two hours and we were back in the States . Amazing . I will post one more blog with my final impressions of the trip . . . Sunday . We all slept in . A night with AC allowed us better sleep . Christina woke up happy and full of energy . She excitedly looked over the clothes I brought and decided she needed to wear a yellow top and blue skirt . She was very happy to pick out her own clothes . We let Sam sleep and went to breakfast , which was pancakes , juice and coffee . Christina ate her usual container of yogurt as well . After breakfast we played on the back patio . Christina picked flowers and put them in our hair . Then she wanted flowers in her hair . It was a sweet , sweet time with her . She took pictures of us , we took pictures together . We got a taste of who she really is - - a delightful , playful little girl . Putting flowers in our hair . The kitten returned and this time Christina was willing to watch Weston pet it . She would slowly approach the kitten , but if the kitten moved towards her she ran away , squealing . Sam finally woke up , so he ate breakfast and we all got ready for the day . I had a chance to ask him how he felt about Haiti , the orphanage and our trip so far , now that he had some rest . He said he loved all the kids . But of all the kids there , he knew that Christina was meant to be ours . And he missed his brother and sister and was ready to return home . We didn 't have any plans for the day and we weren 't sure where Sonia was . We played with toys , I pushed Christina in a stroller we found , and we basically just had a relaxing , quiet day . Weston napped a bit and I played matching games and building blocks with Christina . In the afternoon we went outside to the back patio again . Sonia arrived home , she had been working all day to secure a missing signature on our IBESR paperwork . Although we have officially been approved by IBESR , one signature had been missed accidentally . And we needed the signature in order to file our paperwork at the Embassy the next morning . Sonia doesn 't like to drive ( I don 't blame her , I wouldn 't want to drive there either ! ) , but because it was Sunday her driver was off and she had to get behind the wheel and brave the traffic herself . After driving to the person 's house and waiting for hours , she was successful and our paperwork was signed . I was so impressed with how hard she was working on our behalf . Over ice cold Sprite and pear juice we looked over the paperwork , making sure it was filled out properly . We asked Sonia the question I am sure she dreads : when does she think we will be able to finally bring Christina home ? We were told the next step in the process requires a signature from a judge who happens to be on vacation for a month . Rats . But we were finally given a loose timeline . Before when we asked , we were told " who knows " , but this time we were told anywhere from October to January . ( I am afraid that October is probably out of the question , we haven 't moved at all since we entered Parquet Court , but I think Christmas is actually quite possible , which makes me smile ! ) We talked a bit about all of the new kiddos in the orphanage . Sonia says IBESR has been sending her new children , many of them older and not adoptable . A few weeks ago she was told to take in three teenagers that IBESR found living on the streets . Sonia doesn 't have the facility to take care of older children . She has to keep them separate from the little ones . And she doesn 't run a jail . She can 't force the older children to stay in the orphanage , and the older children have no desire to be there . They keep leaving the grounds , causing the nannies to have to search for them . Her hands are tied . If she says no to IBESR she will no longer be in their good graces . She has no choice but to take in the children and then try to find a facility better suited for them . We had a final dinner of traditional chicken and peas on rice . Very yummy . After dinner Christina played a few more minutes and then looked at me and said " mwen fatigue " ( I 'm tired ) . So I took her back to the room , gave her a quick bath , put on her pjs and she motioned she wanted me to pick her up . Snuggled into my shoulder when I picked her up and was fast asleep within minutes . I carefully sat down on the bed and just snuggled her . This is the first time she requested snuggles from me . She has always been agreeable to snuggles given to her , but never initiated them . While I snuggled her Weston took a shower . We had to leave for the Embassy at 6 : 00am the next morning , packed and ready to go to the airport . Sam got ready to take his shower to discover that the water had been turned off . So no flushing , no showers . Hopefully it will be back on in the morning so we can be clean for our travel day tomorrow . Christina slept until 7 am . She didn 't make a peep all night . When she woke up she didn 't fuss , she just waited for me to pick her up . I brought her to our bed and she snuggled me for a few minutes so I could wake up . It was a hot , restless night for Weston and me , so I was still exhausted . Breakfast was not so good . Room temperature pineapple yogurt , nasty processed turkey slices , American cheese , over ripe bananas and stale white bread . But the coffee was strong , which I desperately needed , and there was some sort of fresh squeezed juice that was pretty good . I have no idea what citrus fruit it was , maybe grapefruit ? But it was sweeter than grapefruit , and the color was dark reddish orange , but it wasn 't orange juice either . I am glad I brought some snacks , none of us really ate anything . Christina likes to tell us she needs to use the potty . It is a game to her . She runs to the potty , sits on it for half a minute and says she is finished . But I think she really had to go , so I decided after the third trip to the bathroom to make her sit on the potty for a while . She was not happy that I wouldn 't let her get up . She kept saying " fini , fini " , and trying to flush the toilet . I kept setting her back on the potty , telling her " pas fini . " Finally she settled down and really went to the potty . I can tell we are going to have a few power struggles when she gets home . The driver was supposed to pick us up at 10am to take us to a shop where we could buy handmade Haitian items . I am pretty sure he showed up a lot earlier than that ( I have lost all sense of time here ) so Sam didn 't get to shower . There must be a crack down on wearing seat belts , because after our driver got a phone call ( I assume from Sonia ) he put his on and told us to put ours on too . Easier said than done in the backseat since two are missing . Sam still can 't believe how people drive in Haiti . He kept commenting on the traffic and the crazy drivers and how narrowly the cars miss each other as they pass . The driver dropped us off at the shop and told us ( through broken English and lots of hand motions ) while we shopped he would take Christina to get her picture taken for our Embassy paperwork . I tried to explain to Christina that we would be back but I don 't know if she understood . I asked the driver to tell her we weren 't leaving , hopefully he did . The shop is full of Haitian handmade items , from statues to jewelry to dolls . We bought lots of things for Christina ; our plan is to give her something from Haiti for each birthday . We also bought things for our house and lots of presents . The prices are great ! We finished up just as the driver returned with Christina . Perfect timing . He parked the car and got out to help us load our bags and she burst into tears ( I was almost to the car but she hadn 't seen me yet ) . I think she thought he was leaving her in the car alone . He quickly returned to the car to comfort her , which made me very happy . He seemed genuinely concerned he had upset her . I like to think he cares for the children he drives around on a regular basis . We went back to the orphanage for the afternoon . Christina sat with us on the patio area for a little while but then took the photo album I made for her and showed it to all of the nannies . Madame Michelle seems to be Christina 's favorite nanny . She is an older woman , very pretty , very patient and kind . Christina seems very attached . Sam , who was exhausted , really struggled with being back at the orphanage . He held back tears as he told us that he really wanted to just go home . He was tired of not being able to use the water , of the heat , of the craziness of the driving . He was sad about the kids having to live in the orphanage . And he did not want to leave Christina behind when we went home . It is a lot to take in , and he was overwhelmed . We talked for while about Haiti and his experiences . He laid down on the outdoor couch and took a nap , which he desperately needed . Weston and I went inside and Christina didn 't mind at all that we were holding and playing with other kids . She seemed content to color at the table . Not sure how I feel about that . On the one hand I guess it 's good , on our other visits she was clingy and possessive of us when we were at the orphanage with her . But in the back of my head I wondered if she didn 't mind because she would rather be there than with us . Over the next hour or so Weston put four boys to sleep on his lap . One would crawl up on him , lay on his lap and in a few minutes be fast asleep . I would take the little guy , put him on a cot and another would crawl into Weston 's lap and fall asleep . They just needed someone to snuggle them ! Whenever one of the children gets sleepy , they fall asleep wherever they are . On the concrete , at the table . One little guy , eyes rolling back in his head and head bobbing back and forth , almost fell asleep while sitting on a bench . Had I not caught him and laid him down , he would have fallen off the bench and onto the concrete floor . One little girl really wanted Weston to snuggle her and she laid her head on his leg as she played with her doll . She and several other little girls have some kind of red powder on their scalps . I assume it is some sort of medicine . Maybe for lice ? Let 's hope it comes out of Weston 's shorts ! She has the sweetest smile , her whole face lights up when she smiles . She loved to be tickled . Several of the children have runny noses and one little boy ( who walked around most of the afternoon in pants he peed in ) has an awful sounding cough . There is a nurse on staff for the very sick kids and she came downstairs both days with some sort of liquid vitamin ( I think vitamin C ) for every child . We were served lunch and Christina ate with us while the rest of the kids ate in the other room . Lunch was fried egg with turkey lunch meat and tons of onion and a veggie medley of carrots and beans . I was hungry , so it tasted pretty good , even the onion and turkey . Sam ate a lot , but got tired of so much onion . I don 't think a Coke ever tasted so good . We gave Christina a straw for her water and she thought that was the best . She drank so much water I wouldn 't be surprised if she has an accident later today . At one point Christina went upstairs to go potty so I followed her up . They don 't have toilet paper ( Weston thinks to prevent the kids from stuffing it down the toilet ) and the sink doesn 't work so they can 't wash their hands . I guess since they don 't wipe it isn 't as big of a deal , but I still think that 's pretty gross . I imagine their little bottoms get pretty Itchy and raw . Along with the one toilet and nonworking sink and shower there are four rooms full of toddler sized bunk beds . Two of the rooms have twin beds for the nannies . Christina sleeps in the room for the older children , one of the rooms without a bed for a nanny . After lunch we went outside and watched the kids run around . Christina played outside for a few minutes but went back in and looked through a book and then matched dominos together . She gravitates towards books , coloring , sorting . She can spend a long time just coloring and making shapes with her crayons . We watched some of the older kids play in the courtyard . It was all I could do to not police them as they ran each other over with cars and climbed too high on the monkey bars . If kids played like that in the States all the parents would be freaking out . But here , it is just normal play . At one point three kids laid down on the concrete , waiting for two boys to try to run them over with riding cars . At the last moment they would jump up and barely escape being run over , screaming and laughing the entire time . I was a nervous wreck watching this , but the nannies weren 't concerned . Each child was given a cookie and a piece of sticky candy . The littlest ones ( not even walking yet ! ) we 're given some sort of soft candy on a stick to suck on . And no one choked . But boy were there sticky hands and faces . The candy was savored , pulled out of mouths , shared , dropped , put back in mouths . They had a big time . They tried to share with me , but I politely declined . I went back inside to find Christina , who was still playing with dominos . I sat with her and a few others who were coloring . A little girl whom I had not seen before on either day came over to me to share her doll with me . She had been shaved bald . She seemed sick . I wonder if she was new to the orphanage and had to be shaved for some reason . She was very sweet . Finally it was time to go . Christina seemed happy to be leaving with us . I forgot to take her to the bathroom before we left , so I hoped she wouldn 't wet her pants if she fell asleep . I tried to keep her awake for the car ride to no avail . She was sound asleep on my lap within minutes . But she didn 't wet her pants , thank goodness . Our AC still wasn 't working in our room . Thankfully Sonia offered to have us move to another guest room where the AC was working . It only had one bed and a crib , so she had Sam 's bed moved to the new room . This room is actually nicer and the attached bathroom has a shower that works a lot better . Dinner was shrimp and rice and some veggies . After dinner Christina was full of energy so we took a walk through the neighborhood . We took a walk on our last visit and Christina insisted on being held the entire time . This time she walked by herself , saying " bonsoir " to those we passed . The only time she ran back to us was when a car drove by . The neighborhood atmosphere was not as friendly this time and we saw two armed guards watching us through the gates of people 's homes . Not sure what is going on , but we decided to make it a short walk . We sat outside again and Christina played . She is a chatterbox . I wish I knew what she was saying . She repeats things over and over in a sing song way , but I can 't figure out what she is saying . After a cool bath I put on her pjs and she snuggled in our bed for a few minutes . I asked her if she was ready to go to sleep in her bed and she said yes , so I tucked her into her crib . She wiggled for a few minutes and then fell asleep with no fuss . I think the AC is bothering her , she has been coughing for about an hour , so I tried to move the fan and AC so it doesn 't blow directly on her . Hopefully that will help . It was a good day overall . She seems like a normal active preschooler . She loves books , coloring and playing matching games . She is very smart and once she feels comfortable in her surroundings she talks and sings nonstop . For the most part she is a good listener and will be obedient if I force the issue . She knows what she wants and is persistent . She seems very comfortable with us . It is going to be very hard to leave her on Monday . Preparing for our third trip to Haiti has been a bit stressful . The week before we were to leave Weston was in a mountain biking accident and dislocated his shoulder , broke his humerus bone and scraped up his face and arm pretty badly . For a few days we weren 't even sure he was going to be able to go . He was in immense pain , hardly sleeping and on pretty strong meds . Meanwhile , due to his accident I skipped both of my long runs for my 50 mile training . And I can 't run while in Haiti , which means I will be two weeks behind in my training when I return from the trip . I realize this is not the end of the world , but was still tough to work through , emotionally . Running this race means a lot to me . Once Christina comes home my training will be drastically reduced , so this is my last time to train for a race like this for a while . When originally booked the flight , Weston Sam and I had aisle seats scattered all over the plane . But the lady at the ticket counter was nice enough to find us three seats together in the very last row . I wonder how three seats were suddenly available in the same row when there weren 't even two seats together when I booked the trip a few weeks ago . I am not complaining , I am grateful she accommodated us , more than anything just curious . The first 2 hours of the flight were pretty turbulent . We tried to sleep , but the bouncing keep jarring me awake . I am pretty sure I dreamed that the plane was ripping apart due to the rough air . It finally settled down and I was able to get a couple hours of restless , uncomfortable sleep . We landed in Miami at dawn and had about 40 minutes until our next flight boarded . Just barely enough time to make it to the gate , get a much needed cup of coffee , buy some bottles of water and use the bathroom . Again we were able to get three seats together , this time the second to last row . Unfortunately the lady behind me was obviously sick and kept coughing all over my head . Her cough was so violent that she kept grabbing my seat back to steady herself , jerking me backwards and whacking me in the head with her rings . Not a fun flight . It will be a miracle if none of us catch whatever it is she had . It is never dull on a plane to Haiti . As we arrived at the gate and waited to deplane , a woman who was wearing at least 5 dress hats of various sizes , shapes and colors ( I kid you not , they were stacked up on her head ! Remember that book you read as kid , Caps For Sale ? She had them stacked up , just like in that book ! ) started shouting and singing and using giant arm motions . I have no idea what that was about but it was entertaining to say the least . So he was a bit nervous as we entered customs , but he did a great job . He wheeled the heaviest two bags and navigated the crowd like a champ . We got through customs with no trouble ( I have mastered filling out the customs forms ! ) . But I accidentally made eye contact with a guy at baggage who took that to mean he could grab my baggage stub out of my hand and find our bag for us . That little mistake cost us a tip , although he did find the bag fairly quickly . We walked the long , hot sidewalk to the parking lot , where we hoped our driver would be waiting for us , saying " no , meci " to anyone who tried to " help " us . Our driver found us almost immediately and we carefully navigated our luggage through pot holes , weaving in and out of the sea of cars trying to get out of the parking . The whole airport experience is one great big chaotic mess . We arrived at the car and while our driver opened the trunk for our bags , a man grabbed Weston 's bag , lifted it two feet to the trunk and demanded a tip . We refused . He was slightly put out , but at least he left without making a scene . Ahh , at last , safely in the air conditioned car ! Traffic was typical Haiti : crazy driving , honking of horns , motorcycles weaving between cars , cars making their own lanes . Sam was fascinated ( and a bit nervous ) . He couldn 't believe the insane driving and was very impressed with our driver 's ability to weave in and out of the cars . Arriving at the orphanage Weston saw Christina first when we arrived at the orphanage . He said she had a hint of a smile and seemed to recognize him . But by the time I walked in , after unloading the car , she was shy and withdrawn , no smile to be found . We sat with her for a few minutes . She sat on my lap but was mostly unresponsive to questions or snuggles . Meanwhile a few of the kids had tackled Sam , sitting on his lap , tossing their balloons at him for him to bat back to them . Sam was so good to the little ones , snuggling them , playing with them , letting them climb all over him . He really seemed to enjoy playing with everyone . One little girl was smitten and spent most of the afternoon on his lap or in his arms . There are a lot of new faces at the orphanage . Lots of toddlers , probably 10 months through 3 years . At one point I counted 19 children in the main area but I know I missed a few who were upstairs . The baby room was full , too . The little girls we played with during our first two visits were gone . We found out two had finally joined their adoptive families and two were at some sort of summer day camp and would return later that night . Christina was a bit nervous about Weston 's arm being in a sling and was pretty standoffish towards him . So the little boy who latched on to Weston during our last visit once again found his way onto Weston 's lap for a while . We played with all the kids for a couple of hours , watched them dance to Boy George , Michael Jackson and a weird remix of Abba instrumentals . We were served very strong , thick coffee and a snack of saltines . Christina enjoyed playing a game where she hopped up onto the third step of the stairs and tossed her ballon down to Sam . Pretty soon 3 - 4 little ones joined in the fun , until I , the overprotective American mom , stopped the game because I was afraid someone would tumble down the concrete stairs . A little while later we ate lunch with Christina : canned tuna and onions ( sounds gross , but it was actually pretty good ) and some sort of potato dish . And a cold beer which tasted great , it was so hot and humid ! The rest of the children ate in the main room , but the routine was not the same as it was the last two times we visited . Before , they all prayed and then ate together at the large table . This time I never heard them pray and they ate in shifts . It seemed a bit chaotic . Maybe because there are just so many kids now , and some are so young they can 't really feed themselves . Finally Sonia arrived to take us to her house . She was late for a good reason , earlier that morning IBESR had called her asking if she would take in a five day old baby that someone had found abandoned in the streets . So she had an unscheduled trip to pick up the baby and get paperwork filled out . She let us see the baby for a minute , she was so tiny ! And so very lucky to have been found . A few hours in that heat and that baby would have died . I fear that this is going to become even more common now , moms abandoning their babies . IBESR is implementing new rules on August 20 , 2012 that will make it harder for parents to relinquish their children to orphanages . And children will not be adoptable until after their birthday . You can read the new rules here , on our agency 's website . I know IBESR is simply trying to protect the children , but I wonder if these new rules will end up creating more abandonment situations . We shared the ride to the guest house with Stephan , a german man who is also staying at Sonia 's house tonight . He and his wife adopted twin girls from her orphanage 2 1 / 2 years ago and he was back to meet with the girls ' biological parents . They had not been able to meet them during their adoption process . Stephan and his wife were in Haiti to bring the girls home when the earthquake happened . He said they had considered staying at a local hotel instead of Sonia 's guest house that trip , but at the last minute decided to stay at Sonia 's . Their change of plans saved their lives . The hotel was devastated in the earthquake . He said hardly anything even shook at Sonia 's . He talked a little about being in Haiti during the week after the quake , and that they couldn 't get a flight out in the confusion . Luckily they were able to get one of the last buses to the Dominican Republic and took a flight home from there . We had dinner ( which consisted of some sort of beef , rice and beans , avocado and tomato salad and some sort of fried tuber veggie - - Sam is in love with the food ! ) with Stephan , who said meeting the girls biological parents was hard but worth the trip . They answered questions about their family and why they made the decision to relinquish the girls . They have two older children and simply couldn 't afford to care for the twins . The unemployed father is in his late 40 's , and the average lifespan for a Haitian is around 50 , so he knew he probably wouldn 't even live to see the twins grow up . The parents made the incredibly tough decision to relinquish their girls hoping they would have a better life . I can 't even imagine having to make that choice . After dinner we sat outside on the back patio . Christina decided it was time to explore the house a bit , so I followed her around to make sure she stayed out of trouble . For the most part she is obedient . I sometimes have to repeat myself 3 - 4 times before she follows directions , but overall she is pretty good about listening . She brought us book after book after book to look through ( I couldn 't actually read them , they were in German ) . She loves to look at books . A kitten appeared from the bushes and came over to us for us as we sat on the patio . When Christina saw the cat she leapt up onto a chair and started whining , visibly frightened . I am not sure she has ever seen a cat . After a few minutes she was willing to look at the cat , but did not want to get anywhere near it . It will be interesting to see how she reacts to our cat and dog . I took Christina upstairs for a bath . The air conditioning in our room does not seem to be working ; I think it must be 95 degrees in our room . And we cant open the windows because the mosquitos are thick . The cool water in the bath felt good to her , and we got on her pull up , pjs , brushed teeth and snuggled into our bed . I rubbed her back for a few minutes and she was asleep . I put her into her crib and took my own shower , which felt great . I was feeling so slimy and gross . Our room is so hot that the minute I stepped back into it from my shower I started sweating again . It is going to be a rough night in the heat . Weston 's arm is pretty swollen and very sore and the heat isn 't helping . But we are all exhausted so I am going to call it a night and attempt to sleep . God continues to amaze me with His sovereignty . More new from the adoption front , which is awesome . But even more awesome is the gentle reminder ( or perhaps loud thunk on my head ) that He is in control , and has been since the beginning . Just days after the long awaited phone call from our agency telling us our dossier received dispensation we received an email telling us we were OUT of IBESR and moving to Parquet Court . I was not expecting to hear this news so quickly ! With this news came a flurry of activity - - more paperwork to fill out on our side , court dates and Embassy appointments to schedule . We were informed that we needed to be in Haiti within the next 2 - 3 weeks for two court appearances and one trip to the Embassy . I had just booked a trip to Haiti less than a month earlier for the end of July - - Friday through Monday - - perfect timing ! Or so I thought . Turns out we need to be in Haiti for 4 business mornings in order to accomplish all the court appointments . No big deal , I can just change our trip to include a few extra days , right ? It 's not that easy . July happens to be the busiest month of the year for Weston 's business . And the week we need to be in Haiti for 4 business days happens to be the busiest week of July for him . The rest of his year hinges on the summer , with July being the most important month . He simply can not afford to be out of the office for 5 days , much less be out of the country with no access to internet or phone . After 8 months of waiting for our dispensation we are told we now must head to Haiti during the one and only week Weston really needs to be in the office . Seriously ? ! ? I immediately started praying that all of Weston 's business would miraculously be taken care of before we had to leave on the trip . Please Lord , I prayed , make it so we can be gone for 4 business days ! After a few emails back and forth with our agency and a phone call we were told it would be no big deal if we needed to change our trip to sometime in August . Traveling in August meant changing where we stayed in Haiti and having another orphanage director take us to our appointments because our orphanage director would be out of the country ( which is why we booked our weekend July trip in the first place , to be there when the orphanage director would be there ) . We were so grateful for the flexibility and accommodations being offered by both our agency and the orphanage directors in Haiti . We were also told our delay in going to court would only delay the adoption process by the extra couple of weeks it took us to get to Haiti , which made me feel better . I mean , after 8 months of waiting , to then find out you are delaying the next step ? That was stressing me out ! I received an email back the next day - - We don 't have to appear in court because we have already been to the lower courts . Our paperwork can be submitted directly to the higher courts . We don 't have to change our trip , and we don 't have to be in Haiti for 4 business days . I almost cried . How in the world did that happen ? ! ? When we made our first trip to Haiti our orphanage director took us to a building where we signed some paperwork in front of a witness and then to an appointment to see a " Dean " where we were asked a lot of questions and had to show a picture of us with Christina . We had no idea we were going to have these appointments , nor did we really understand what they were . Those were our lower court appointments . God knew . He knew when our Dossier would be released from IBESR and that we would need to be in Haiti the exact week Weston needed to be at the office . And He handled it . My prayers were totally answered , but in a way so much bigger than I could have possibly imagined . Miraculous . We were able to make an Embassy appointment for the morning we leave . Our appointment is at 7am , our flight leaves at 1 : 15pm . We don 't even have to change our outgoing flight . Another miracle ! I have no idea how much longer the process will take . It feels like everything has sped up considerably , but the truth is it could all stall again . Our paperwork could languish on another desk . But the last couple of weeks have given me hope on so many levels . Hope that the Haitian system does work . Hope that our adoption will be finalized and we will bring Christina home . But mostly , it has bolstered my faith . Faith that God has it all under control . That He is in charge . And He answers prayers . But in ways far beyond what my brain could even think to imagine . Although I know this to be true in theory , I love it when He shows me in a tangible way . Sometimes I just need that reminder ! Got great news yesterday ! In the middle of my 20 mile training run my cell phone ran ( it is a miracle I heard it and then answered it in time - - usually I don 't hear my phone when I run ) . On the other end was our adoption agency , telling me we have received our Presidential Dispensation ! I could hardly keep running - - it is difficult to run while you are crying ! We still need to find out where exactly our paperwork is : Has our Dispensation been published in the Le Moniteur so that it is official ? It can 't be signed off on by IBESR ( Haitian Social Services ) until it is published in Le Moniteur - - and Le Moniteur only comes out every month or so . Once IBESR has signed off on our paperwork and granted us an Authorization of Adoption , we move on to Parquet Court , which is a series of steps and processes between multiple Haitian offices . Then our paperwork goes to the Ministry of the Interior , then finally Christina can get her visa . In May , 2012 the Director of IBESR made the decision to close IBESR to new adoption cases in order to work through the back log of files . They are trying to streamline their process so that a dossier only sits in IBESR for 2 months ( ours has been in IBESR since November , 2011 . ) IBESR says they will begin accepting new cases in August . On June 11 , 2012 Haiti ratified the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption . This will change the way adoptions are processed in Haiti . Most countries who ratify the Hague convention end up having to put a halt on new adoptions until they get their systems in place . Fortunately , adoptions already in process are usually grandfathered in . There are a lot of uncertainties at this time regarding the future of adoption in Haiti . We are hopeful that in the end this will mean better systems , less corruption and a shorter wait for all those sweet kiddos waiting to go home . But even with all of the unknowns and changes to the process , we are thrilled that we have finally moved forward in the system . We have been waiting since November for something to happen with our file . This is huge ! Last week I booked plane tickets for Weston , Sam ( our 16 year old ) and me to visit Christina at the end of July . If our paperwork moves quickly through IBESR we could end up having our court date on our trip ! But if our paperwork isn 't out of IBESR in the next couple of weeks we will have to postpone our trip until we are in Parquet Court because once in Parquet we are given two to three weeks to show up in Haiti for a court appearance . It doesn 't make sense to visit Christina and then just a couple of weeks later have to fly to Haiti again for our court date . ( Well , if finances were unlimited , I wouldn 't mind doing that , but since they are not , and plane tickets are expensive , it make sense to combine our next trip and our court date , even if we have to change our tickets . ) We know we still have more waiting to do . Our prayer is that our paperwork will continue to move smoothly through the system . If it does , there is a good chance Christina could be home by Christmas ! What an amazing present that would be ! We woke Christina up just as the sun was coming up . She did not want to wake up . We got her ready , packed her bags and went down to breakfast . Sonia was nowhere to be found , but we figured she would show up when it was time for Christina to leave . I think this was the sweetest , most fun Christina had been for us yet . She chatted and smiled through breakfast . We played on the patio for a while ; she decided I made a terrific jungle gym and climbed all over me , laughing and talking . We headed back to our room to finish packing and she helped us put things in our bags and tidy up the room . Suddenly there was a knock on our door and Sonia 's husband told us he was ready to take us to the airport . ( No time to take a shower , I guess not taking one last night was a huge mistake , now I had to travel all sticky and gross ! ) I asked who was going to take Christina and he replied that a driver was waiting to take her back to the orphanage . We picked up our bags , and Christina , thinking she was going with us on another fun excursion grabbed her things and happily carried them down the stairs to the carport . She was chatting and giggling as we loaded her bag into one car and our bags into another . We hugged and kissed her goodbye and Sophie and Weston began to cry . She was not sure why we were so upset until she suddenly realized she was not going with us . The driver buckled her into the backseat of his car and the look on her face broke my heart . Once again she had that sad , withdrawn look that she greeted us with only two short days earlier . A vacant stare . She wouldn 't even look at me or say goodbye . We got in our car , Sophie was sobbing , but trying to keep herself composed . And we drove away . Knowing that Christina was the back seat of the car completely alone , with no one she trusted to explain to her what just happened was almost unbearable . I forced myself to look out the window and not think about it . Sophie continued to cry for most of the drive , which should have been 30 minutes but ended up taking us almost two hours . I am overwhelmingly sad at the way our goodbye transpired . I had no idea a driver was going to load her up in the back seat of a car and transport her the hour or more drive back to the orphanage . What was going on in her head that entire time ? Did anyone tell her where she was going ? Did she cry ? Did the driver console her ? Or was he wearing his earbuds like he did when he picked us up from the airport on our first day , and keep to himself ? Did she withdraw back into herself like I watched her do every time she was in a new situation ? And once she got back to the orphanage , was she glad to be back ? What did she tell her friends about her time with us ? Did the nannies help her process her experience ? How long did it take her to get back into the swing of orphanage routine ? And has she forgotten us ? Or worse , decided she doesn 't like us because we left her ? The culture is so very different , I can 't imagine that our visit was explained in a way that would make sense to me , as a mom and American . But more than anything , if I am honest , I am angry . I am angry at the Haitian government for having slow , antiquated processes . I am angry at the people who took kids illeagally after the 2010 earthquake , making the process slow even further . I know that was not their intention , but the fallout of that was a further distrust of the Haitian people towards Americans and adoption . Our paperwork has been in the Haitian government system since November , 2011 . We have not yet gotten one of the many signatures required to move forward , and according to Sonia , she has no idea when we will . Presently our paperwork is sitting on the President 's desk awaiting dispensation , and it could sit there for months . He has no incentive to sign our paperwork , except when an American celebrity , like Oprah , visits . Then he signs a few as a gesture of " goodwill . " And if I am truly honest with myself , I am angry at God . Because ultimately He could perform a miracle and cause our paperwork to go though faster . He could do something . You can 't tell me that Christina 's life is not being damaged in some way by living in the orphanage . Her little personality is not meant to be there . She is meant to be with us , a calm , laid - back family who gets that sometimes you need quiet . We already have one kid who didn 't do crowds and noise well when he was little . We know how to deal with that . I can 't even really think about it or I get so mad / hurt that I want to scream . How can where she is be best ? Why won 't God do something ? And yet , I have a choice . I can choose to turn from Him , to tell Him he is not being fair . Or I can choose to really trust that He does have her best interest , and ours , in mind . That He is holding all of us in the palm of His hand and loves us immeasurably and is guiding our steps . I don 't feel like that , but I have to choose that path . He is the one who turned our hearts to adoption . It was His voice that told both Weston and me this was the path to choose . And He has it under control . He wouldn 't have placed us here without a plan . It is simply a plan that at this moment I do not see or understand . And I know that through it I will grow , Weston will grow , Christina and all our kids will grow . Our choice is to grow closer to Him through it . Ultimately , isn 't that what He wants for us ? Isn 't that His best plan ? Today , with tears stinging my eyes , that is what I must cling to in the midst of my anger and hurt . I will continue to pray with all my heart that He move the government to quick action . That Christina comes home in record time . I will pray for a miracle . But a miracle has already happened . She is my child . A little girl , born a world away , years after I decided I was done having kids , has become mine because of Him . So I know He can perform miracles and if He chooses , will perform another . But regardless , I will continue to choose Him , and trust Him , because it is not about what He can do for me now , but what He has already done for me on the cross . Today I woke up and had a small heart attack because Christina was not in her bed . I jumped out of bed in a panic and Sophie , who was still in bed , shushed me to be quiet , Christina was asleep next to her . Sophie told me she was awakened to Christina pulling on Sophie 's toes , trying to wake her up . When Sophie opened her eyes , Christina climbed into her bed and fell right back to sleep . So sweet ! She had stirred a couple of times through the night , but never actually woken up , and I am pretty sure she did not wet her pull up either . We got dressed for breakfast and went downstairs to another feast . Once again Christina loved the yogurt and wanted me to feed it to her . She smacked her lips with delight after each bite . After breakfast we packed our bathing suits and towels because we had arranged for a driver to take us to a hotel with a pool for the afternoon . He arrived promptly at 10am and Christina willingly piled into the car with us and was so excited to be on an excursion ! Huge change from yesterday when she shut down when we got in the car for lunch . Today she pointed at things , cried out " chen " when she saw dogs walking on the side of the road . She was very interested in everything we passed . We arrived at a hotel with a nice pool , outdoor bar and patio area . It was not at all crowded and it looked as though we were not the only Americans . Our driver arranged for us to stay at the hotel for a couple of hours . We changed into our bathing suits , which Christina was pretty happy about but when we went to the pool area she got very shy and quiet . She really does not like to be in new situations . Can 't really blame her . She sat on my lap with her head on my shoulder and was silent . Weston and Sophie got in the water and I walked over to the steps , but she wanted none of it . Eventually she let Weston hold her and her took her into the water about waist deep . She was not so sure about that and wanted to get out . So he gave her back to me , I dried off her legs and we sat quietly for a few minutes under the umbrelAt one point she was happily running around the patio area and ran straight towards the water . Right past Weston , who wasn 't paying attention . I screamed for him to grab her and at the last second he got ahold of her arm , before she splashed into the water . It dawned on us that we haven 't had to worry about one of our kids falling into a pool for YEARS . Our kids are now old enough that we have been able to let our parent guard down . Our parent radar is rusty ! So we have to figure out how to get back to being aware of where she is at all times . Especially because I have a feeling she is going to be into everything . She is very active and loves to climb and jump . We are going to have to kid - proof our house and retrain ourselves to keep an eye on a little one 24 / 7 . We played in the pool , ate lunch ( rice , again . By this time Sophie is getting tired of rice ! ) . And soon our driver returned to pick us up . We asked him to take us to a market before we went back to the guest house so he dropped us off on the side of the road near the airport where Haitians were selling paintings and other trinkets . Now this was an experience . We , obviously tourists , with a little black girl , walking through the trash and dust to look at paintings . Three men immediately accosted us and told us to look at their things . " You like ? You like ? " They kept repeating . We picked out a couple of paintings , two wooden bowls and a small Haitian flag that Sophie really loved . They gave one to Christina as well . We haggled over price , came to an agreement , paid and walked away with them still trying to sell us more . Meanwhile , Christina was visibly unhappy about being on the side of the road where it was loud and crowded . She buried her head into my shoulder and held onto me for dear life . All I wanted to do was get her back in the car where she felt safe . Sophie was a bit overwhelmed too , once the vendors realized Sophie was a little girl they tried to push necklaces and bracelets on her . I was not worried about our safety , but the girls were a little stressed , so I was glad to wrap things up and get back to the car . The men followed us to the car and still tried to sell us things from the window as we drove away . Now that was a true Haitian experience . Traffic on the way home was terrible , bumper to bumper craziness . People were driving on the sidewalks on the wrong side of the road to try to get ahead . It was insane ! Our driver was great at maneuvering through the traffic without being ( too ) crazy . Sophie occupied Christina by having her repeat English words . It delighted both of them . Finally Christina fell asleep , which was good , she was tired and needed a nap . We finally made it back , and relaxed in our room for a while . Christina and I read a book , sang songs and played . She livens right up when she feels comfortable . She and Sophie played with their flags and played repeat the English word again . We ate an early dinner - - none of us were the least bit hungry - - of rice ( Sophie was almost in tears over having to eat rice again ) , some sort of fish or scallops so neither Sophie or I ate it to be safe , avocado and potatoes and fried plantains . I don 't think I will ever get tired of plantains , they are so good ! Weston sat next to Christina to help her and she was a nut all through dinner , chatting and wiggling and smiling . She would point to which ever bite she wanted to be fed next . She does not like red onion . There were slices of red onion in the avocado and potato salad and she chewed on a piece of onion for a while , but could not swallow it . Finally she spit it onto her plate . She then took her fork and pushed all the red onion into a pile , picked it up and put it all on Weston 's plate . We wanted to take one last walk throught the neighborhood , but the front gate was locked . Christina watched us try the door , then she went up and tried it herself . I was looking around the house for someone to open unlock the gate ; Christina was talking a mile a minute , saying who knows what . When I found Sonia and asked her to open the gate , she heard Christina jabbering away and said " Christina is telling you to go get the key . ' Le kle , le kle ' , she is saying to you . She wants you to find the key " . One smart little girl . We passed by a house with two mean sounding dogs who barked and growled at us . I was very glad they were behind two fences . Christina was not phased by their barking but kept calling out " chen , chen " . We passed by other people walking the streets and said " Bon Soir " which some replied to with a smile and others totally ignored us . After a short walk we went back to our room , once again we had A / C ! Sophie and I bathed Christina , this time it was like wrestling a watermelon . She was full of vinegar , squirming , laughing and not being cooperative at all . It was a great big game . At one point she tried to climb the tub wall and I had to hold her down to finish her bath . To her defense , the water was really cold and she did not want to sit still and have the water splashed all over her . She did everything she could to get us to stop splashing the washcloth on her . I had not touched her hair at all while we had her , the nannies had fixed it into pretty corn rows for us and I was afraid to mess it up . But by now her head Hamming it up for the camera Today was our best day with Christina , by far . I feel like we got a chance to really see what a fun , goofy , smart , happy little girl she is . The pictures I got of her tonight as she was coloring capture her personality so well . It is going to be hard , hard , hard to leave her tomorrow . And we can 't explain that we are coming back . In fact , I have no idea if she even understands who we are or why she is staying with us . My prayer is that she sees it as one fun field trip and falls right back into her routine with no problem . I am a daughter of Christ , a wife , a mother , a runner , a writer and the author of Running by THE BOOK . This blog documents my family 's journey through the adoption process as we bring home our Haitian daughter . To view my writing and running ministry , visit my website : http : / / runningbythebook . com / |
OK , Isaac ran more than he walked . I love that I am able to let him off leash at certain parks now . He does not have perfect recall and I wish it was better and I do plan to keep working on it . But he doesn 't go far from me . He runs ahead a little , then comes running back to check in with me , then runs ahead a bit more . He also likes to go off the trail and kind of circle around and come up behind me . Mike often goes for walks with us and Isaac displays what I think is kind of herding behavior , which is really funny to me . He goes a little ahead of us , then comes back and checks in with both of us , and nudges Mike if he is dropping behind . I put him back on the leash if other people are around , because Isaac has not yet figured out that not everyone wants a big doggie running up to them at full speed , trying to kiss them . Luckily most people like Isaac but it 's still not good manners . I went to the emergency room . Well , all most . My local hospital has an urgent care center that is attached to the ER and when I went in they asked me if I wanted to be seen in the ER or in the urgent care and I ended up choosing urgent care . But that was awfully close to going to the ER . See , yesterday afternoon I accidentally sliced open my thumb on the blade of my food processor when I was putting it away . To me , it looked borderline - like maybe it needed stitches , maybe not . Like it could go either way . I put a bandage on it and didn 't worry . That was about 4 : 00 pm . About 8 : 00 pm , I removed the bandage . As soon as I did , the cut started bleeding again . It was still gaping open . I figured that meant it needed stitches after all . I thought about it for a little bit . I could think of many , many reasons not to go . All the same reasons I didn 't go when I accidentally cut my finger while chopping onions last summer . But I could think of many reasons to go , as well . Beyond the obvious medical reasons , I thought that if I was able to go and if I had a positive experience , that would be a really good thing for me . And I 'd been to my local hospital for lab work and I felt good about those experiences . Staff always seemed nice and respectful and stuff . So I decided not to think too much about all the reasons not to go and all the ways it could go wrong , but just to go . And I went . They asked if I wanted to be seen in the ER or the urgent care and I said urgent care would be fine as long as they could do stitches there . Turned out the nurse practitioner didn 't think I needed stitches , though , she thought steri - strips would be sufficient . Which means I didn 't really need to go in after all . But since I was there , the NP wanted to clean and dress my thumb . Why is it that when you have a little wound on one digit , you end up with a bandage that looks like your hand was almost amputated ? The NP was really nice . She asked me questions about service dogs while she took care of my thumb . Good questions , like if programs that train service dogs trained recipients with the dogs before placing the dogs . Which they do . She didn 't ask me anything about the scars on my arms . She was respectful and friendly and treated me like I was an intelligent adult , completely unlike the doctor in the ER two years ago . The RN was friendly and polite , too . In the car on the way to the vet 's office , she choose to spend part of the ride resting in the backseat with Isaac . This was most unlike her and surprised me a lot . I thought it was very sweet , though , and I am so glad I got pics of it . The rest of the trip , she rode in my arms . I was getting a cucumber out of a grocery bag and Isaac looked interested in it . I held it out for him to sniff . I figured he 'd realize he does not like veggies and ignore it . Instead , he took it out do with it . He killed it . Ate some of it and shredded up the rest . What a weird dog . Maybe he thought it was Mr . Pickle ? As you might imagine , this is a pretty stressful time for me . My symptoms of PTSD and DID always get worse , a lot worse sometimes , during times of increased stress . Lucky for me , much of the time my life is fairly low in stress . That 's one of the reasons I 'm not able to work at a regular job or to work more hours even at my super easy work - at - home job . That increases my stress level and my symptoms get worse and then my symptoms are too severe to work at all . So this is a stressful time . I 'm not sleeping well . And I 'm . . . it 's kind of hard to describe . Forgetful , disorganized , disoriented , almost confused at times . This evening , I am trying to bake some lemon zucchini bread . A friend sent me the recipe and it sounded really yummy . I hope it turns out OK but I 'm not sure it will . I have had all sorts of trouble just trying to mix up the batter . Then I was unable to find the brand new bag of Splenda I am positive was in my kitchen cupboard . I remember buying it a while back because it was on sale and then I got home and realized I had more on hand than I thought I did but figured oh well , it would keep . So I should have had a partial bag and a full , unopened bag . Well , the full , unopened bag has somehow disappeared . I don 't know how . I searched all my kitchen cupboards in case I somehow put it in a different cupboard , not with my other baking supplies , but it is no where to be found . And I am sure I did not somehow use up a whole bag of the stuff without remembering doing so . Luckily I had just barely enough in the other , already opened bag . I did find a coffee cup in the cupboard with my baking supplies that I have no recollection of ever seeing before . I don 't know how it got there . Or when it got there . I mean , unless some fairy or elf sneaked into my kitchen , stole my Splenda and left a coffee cup in its place , I must have put it there . But I don 't recall buying it or ever seeing it before . How weird and disconcerting is that ? That 's actually something that some people with DID experience on a frequent basis , but I don 't . Never have . Weirds me out . I was supposed to add the Splenda to the eggs in a separate bowl but somehow ended up adding it to the other dry ingredients instead . Oops . I squeezed the juice from two fresh lemons and adding the correct amount of lemon juice to the batter . I was supposed to save the rest of the lemon juice to use to make a glaze for the top of the bread . But I poured it down the sink instead . Hopefully I can wring a little more juice out of those cut lemons . Luckily I hadn 't thrown them out yet . So I got the batter all mixed up and it seemed too thick to me . I read through the recipe a couple of times , trying to see if maybe I forgot to add something liquid to it , but I think I got it right . Of course , I could have ended up putting too much flour or something in it . Who knows ? I added a little bit more milk so it would be what I thought would be the right consistency . I 've never made zucchini bread before but I 've made banana bread and applesauce bread and quick breads like that , so I figured the batter for the zucchini bread should probably be similar in consistency . I guess we 'll see how it turns out . I 'm trying not to stress about it . I don 't like it when my symptoms are bad like this . That in turn can stress me out more . So I 'm trying not to worry about it . I met Mike at Panera for lunch today . Isaac loves Mike and he hadn 't seen him in a while so he was very excited to see him . Whenever we meet And the answer is yes , you do have to pick up your service dog 's poop . In some cities there are local laws saying don 't , at least not if you are unable to due to your disability , but in most places , there are no laws letting you off the hook . Most places have laws saying dog owners must pick up after their dogs and those laws apply to owners of service dogs as well as pets . The Americans with Disabilities Act , by the way , doesn 't say anything about picking up a service dog 's poop . It does require reasonable accommodations , so if , for instance , my disability made it simply impossible for me to pick up Isaac 's poop , my landlord would need to make a reasonable accommodation for me . For instance , maybe I could always toilet Isaac in one area , away from my apartment building , and have my dog walker pick up the poop in that area on the days he takes Isaac for a run . I 'd still be responsible for making sure the poop got picked up , but my landlord would need to make some sort of reasonable accommodation in order for that to get done . It would not be reasonable , though , to just let my dog poop all over the lawn and leave it there . Recently I was asked where service dogs poop . Well , they poop outside , like all housebroken dogs . My landlord doesn 't care where Isaac poops as long as I pick it up , but a landlord can ask you to toilet your service dog in certain areas or to avoid certain areas . For instance , if an apartment complex has a playground for kids , the landlord might ask you not to allow your dog to poop in the playground area . Your employer can ask you to toilet your service dog in certain areas , too , or to avoid certain areas . For instance , they might not want customers to see your dog pooping right in front of a restaurant or doctor 's office . They might ask you to toilet your dog behind the business , instead . Otherwise , when out in public , I try to toilet Isaac in out - of - the - way areas , whether he 's pooping or peeing . For instance , I usually give him the chance to go potty before we go into a store or restaurant . I usually take him to a grassy area at the side or back end of the parking lot to do that . I generally prefer he doesn 't pee or poop right in front of a business . Even though I pick up his poop , not everyone wants to see a dog pooping . Posted by As you might imagine , Cayenne is going to be a very pampered kitty for the next five days . I know , you are probably thinking , she already is . But you haven 't seen anything yet . The decision was made yesterday , after much soul - searching and a long talk with the vet . I don 't think she is in much pain , I don 't think she is really suffering yet , but her condition is definitely deteriorating . She had surgery to remove two large masses on her belly at the beginning of May and now , less than four months later , she has multiple small masses and one the size of a large grape . Two days ago , I noticed the skin was starting to break down again . She has a few small sores and they look and smell infected . I think the infection and skin ulcers are unlikely to clear up and heal , since they didn 't in May . That 's why we had to do the surgery . She has lost weight , I 'm not sure how much , but she has little appetite these days . The only things I can get her to eat now are Pounce brand cat treats and chicken or turkey baby food . She hasn 't eaten dry cat food in a while . She recently began refusing wet cat food . She will not even eat minced hot dog , minced chicken breast or shredded cheese . I would think she was having dental problems or maybe a sore throat since she is happy to eat baby food , except she is also happy to eat Pounce treats and she has to chew those and she requests them often . She does seem to enjoy the baby food but only eats a small amount at a time . A few days ago , she surprised me by eating a total of seven tablespoons of baby food in a whole day . That surprised me because for the two or three days preceding that one , she 's only eaten about two tablespoons per day . Over the last week , she has peed on my couch multiple times . She has only gotten off the couch to pee twice in a week . Now , peeing on the couch is not real unusual for Cayenne . That 's why my couch is covered with cheap shower curtains and old towels . But peeing on it daily is a bit unusual . I think she doesn 't feel well enough to bother getting off the couch to pee . When she walks , not all the time but often , she seems kind of wobbly . That just started in the last week . It 's almost like her back legs aren 't quite working right . She doesn 't seem to be in pain . She spends most of her time sleeping , but she 's slept a lot for the last few years . She is an elderly house cat . That 's what they do . She does move from place to place , sometimes sleeping on the arm of the couch , sometimes on her pillow on the couch , occasionally sitting and dozing in the window , especially when I open it for her . She seems to enjoy being petting and brushed , as long as I brush very gently . I 'm deeply sad but I also feel a sense of peace and maybe even relief . I think it 's the right decision . Since I can 't cure her illness , since I can 't make her live , the best I can do for her is to give her a peaceful death . And I 'm going to do that . Today at Kroger , a little boy , about six or seven , with no parent in sight , came up to me and asked if he could take my dog for a walk . Every time I think I 've heard it all , and prepared responses to it all , I hear something new . I just said , " Um . . . . no . " Service dogs should have a certain kind of temperament . When a professional service dog trainer or an animal behaviorist evaluates a dog to see if he might make a good service dog , they do things like touch the dog all over to see if the dog tolerates it . Of course , there is a lot more to an assessment than just that . That 's why , even if someone plans to train their own service dog , it 's a very good idea to have a professional at least help in the selection process . When I was having trouble finding a service dog program and thinking of training my own service dog ( with lots and lots of help from a professional trainer ) , the trainer I was talking to was going to help me choose the dog . But anyway . A dog that is quick to be startled or upset or that is really sensitive to being touched in certain ways or certain places probably wouldn 't make a good service dog . A service dog should have a pretty easy - going temperament and not be quick to growl or snap or bite , even if he really doesn 't like something . Like Isaac . I think , for Isaac to be provoked into biting someone , you would have to restrain him so that he couldn 't get away from you and then do something that didn 't just bug him but that was pretty painful or otherwise unpleasant . If Isaac doesn 't like something , his first reaction is typically to try to move away from it . He doesn 't necessarily try to even get away from the person doing it , just to move that part of his body out of reach . For instance , he doesn 't really like his feet handled a lot . He is happy to shake hands , but if you want to touch his toes a lot , he will try to pull his paw away . He doesn 't try to walk away , he still wants attention and wants you to pet him and play with him and stuff , he just prefers you stop touching his toes . Or , he doesn 't like his talk messed with very much , either . You can pet it a little but if you try to play with it a lot , he will turn his body so his head is closer to you and his tail is further away . Then he will probably try to kiss you . Because he 's not mad at you for touching his tail , he 'd just rather you scratch behind his ears . As long as you 're not really hurting him , though , he will tolerate you doing something he doesn 't like . He allows me to hold his foot and cut his toenails , even though he 'd rather I didn 't . He will attempt to pull his foot away sometimes but I just tell him to stay and he sits there and holds still . He just gives me the sad puppy eyes about it . But he 's been trained to cooperate . So in addition to having the right sort of temperament , he has training that makes him unlikely to bite . There is a man at the nursing home we visit that likes to pet Isaac . He doesn 't pet very gently , though . Now , Isaac is not real picky about how he gets petted . Cayenne sure is ! Probably most cats are pickier than most dogs , but she is really picky . If you don 't do it right , she just won 't let you pet her at all . But Isaac doesn 't much care . He has favorite places and ways to be petted , but he is happy with almost any sort of petting . But this particular man has trouble stroking . He doesn 't pat , either . He kind of scrunches his fingers together and sometimes he sort of pinches . I don 't think he means to and I don 't think he understands what he 's doing , but Isaac doesn 't much like it . He will tolerate it for a minute or so , but when it gets too pinchy , he backs away . And that 's the other thing about service dogs and making sure they don 't bite . The owner has to pay attention . When Isaac backs away , especially if he does it more than once , he is saying , " Hey , I don 't like this . " He would probably stand still for it if I told him to , at least for a while . But if I didn 't listen when he told me he really doesn 't like something , he might start telling me in a louder , more insistent way . He might growl , for instance . Or snap at the man . And if that didn 't work , he might feel he had no other choice but to bite . That would be his last resort , though , and I would consider that my fault . Yesterday I went to the dentist . My regular dentist . To see if he agreed with the periodontist that I do not have advanced periodontal disease or with the oral surgeon that I do have advanced periodontal disease and need to have two teeth removed . Nice man , he said I do not have periodontal disease and he would not remove any teeth . He said oral surgeons just like to pull teeth because that 's what they do . So I called the oral surgeon and left a message with his receptionist , explaining that I would not be scheduling any tooth extractions and why . I really hope she passed it on to the surgeon . You know that dentist office smell ? Well , as the dentist was examining my mouth and Isaac was snoozing away , suddenly , that dentist office smell was replaced with a most foul and offensive odor . Isaac had farted . Like this story . A family wants to raise money for a service dog for a three - year - old boy with multiple disabilities , including a muscular disorder , a feeding disorder and a seizure disorder . The boy is nonverbal and hits himself when he gets upset . Um , what is going to keep him from hitting a dog when he is upset ? Most service dog organizations won 't place a service dog with someone that regularly harms himself , especially not someone that is nonverbal and hasn 't learned other coping skills . But the particular organization this family plans to get a dog from apparently will place a dog with anyone that comes up with the money . I guess it 's just too bad for the dog if he gets hurt . The boy has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder but hasn 't had a seizure in a year . So does he really need a seizure response dog ? The family says they want a dog that can alert a family member when ( or if ) he has another seizure . But this child has a home health nurse with him for 20 hours a day , five days a week . So why can 't the nurse alert a family member if he has a seizure ? They also want to tether him to the dog so he doesn 't wander off and get lost . Well , tethering kids to dogs is very dangerous , as I 've discussed before . But also . He is three ! He should not be without adult supervision , at all . Even a non - disabled three - year - old should not be without adult supervision . So why would you need to tether him to anything ? Can 't an adult ( like the nurses that are with him 100 hours a week , for instance ? ) keen an eye on him ? Can 't an adult hold his hand ? Or , if the family really wants to tether him to something , how about a responsible adult ? Which would be much , much safer than tethering him to a dog . It is coming up on two years since Isaac came to live with me . I 've been thinking about our relationship and how it 's changed and developed over that time . I used to hear people with service dogs talk about how their dogs were like a part of them and I thought I understood that but at the same time , I did not feel that way about Isaac . I loved Isaac . Well , maybe I didn 't love him when I first got him , but I liked him a lot from the beginning , and I soon grew to love him . But he didn 't feel like a part of me . It 's interesting to me , the relationships we have with our animal companions . I once had a cat named Eileen , who died eight years ago , that I considered my soul mate . I told people she was my best friend , and she really was , but I feel like she was even more than that . I 'm sure it sounds weird to many people to say she was my soul mate , but that 's really the best term I can find to describe out relationship . Cayenne is like a family member that I love a lot . She 's not my best friend . She is not my soul mate . But I love her . People often refer to their pets as their babies and maybe she was like my baby when she was younger . But now she is elderly . And she seems elderly . So it doesn 't make sense to call her my baby . She doesn 't seem like my baby . She doesn 't seem like a child . Maybe she seems more like a grandmother . She feels like family , though . Isaac , I would say now , is like my partner . People with service dogs often use that term . They say things like , " I am partnered with a yellow lab named Isaac . " They also often refer to themselves and their service dogs as teams , saying things like , " I met another service dog team today . " It is not inaccurate to say Isaac and I are a team , but that brings to mind something like a sports team and that 's not what our relationship is like , not at all . It 's more a partnership , I think . Almost like a marriage . I love Isaac deeply , I feel responsible for caring for him , and I feel like I can trust him to take care of me . It 's an intense relationship and probably somewhat codependent , but then , it 's designed to be that way , isn 't it ? Isaac and I communicate like a couple that 's been together for a long time , I think . Longer than two years , really . But I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we are together all the time . Most couples don 't spend nearly the amount of time together that Isaac and I do . Also , dogs are really sensitive to body language and I 've tried to be very sensitive to Isaac 's body language , since he can 't communicate verbally . But we can often communicate with just a look . I have a look I give him that means " sit " and he knows that look . He has a look he gives me that means he needs to go out to pee and I know that look . And we can often anticipate each other 's moves and needs and desires . He knows when I need him to pick up something for me . I know when he is thinking of chasing a rabbit . I love how well I know him and I love how well he knows me . I should add that it took a long time to get to this point . The first year of our relationship was rather rough . I 'm told that 's common in service dog partnerships . I mean , we liked each other the first year , but we didn 't fit together instantly and seamlessly . It took time and work to get to that point . I saw the oral surgeon today , who told me I have " advanced periodontal disease " and two teeth need to come out . He said there is no saving them . I asked how come the periodontist I just saw two days ago wasn 't able to diagnose advanced periodontal disease and he said " I don 't know . That 's a good question . " He advises removing the two teeth ASAP and strongly recommends doing it under general anesthesia because of the degree of infection and inflammation . He said if I really wanted , he would do it under a local with me awake , but he suspects it will be very painful because the infected , inflamed tissue won 't numb properly . Well , I 'd rather be out anyway , except it costs more and I have to have someone to drive me . They want me to have someone stay with me for 12 hours after the procedure , but there is simply no way that will happen . I might - might - be able to get someone to drive me rather than take a cab but they would probably just drop me off at home . Maybe come in with me for a few minutes but not for 12 hours . But OK , I just wouldn 't tell the surgeon that . After can 't , because I cannot afford it . There is no way I can possibly afford it . Maybe in a year or two , but not now . So I would have a big gap in my teeth in the front of my mouth . Which normally would bother me but I don 't even care that much right now because I just want my mouth to stop hurting and want to be able to eat again . But I was after I left the oral surgeon , I called the periodontist to tell him what the surgeon said . He said he absolutely disagrees , that he saw absolutely no sign of periodontal disease ( advanced or otherwise ) in my mouth . He does not know what is causing the inflammation and pain and stuff , but feels certain it is not periodontal disease . He does not think the two teeth need to come out . Well , so far I have seen three physicians and spent $ 1 , 146 out of my pocket , and I am still in pain , still cannot eat any solid food , and still don 't even know what is oral surgeon also thought the infection was really bad and he prescribed two different antibiotics for that . So I will start taking those today ( it 's a total of eight pills a day , ugh ) and try to figure out what to do . I am so frustrated ! Isaac and I went to Lake Erie today . I woke up feeling tired and just not - good , but eventually dragged myself out of bed and decided to go to the lake . As always , as soon as we got there , I was glad I went . I need more time in nature . I love the lake . I love the feel of the warm sand under my feet . I love the sound of the waves lapping at the shore . And I love the pure joy I see in Isaac as he runs across the sand and plays in the water . For some reason I 've having trouble posting some of the photos I took with my phone today , but I am able to post this one . This is Isaac , rolling in a dead fish he dug up on the beach . Yeah , I know it 's gross . But he was already doing it before I could stop him . And he was having so much fun . He was so happy to be rolling in the stink . He 'd already been in the water so sand was sticking to him all over . Look how dirty he is ! But look how happy , too . The periodontist confirmed that . That was good , at least . Too many times I 've been told doctors couldn 't find anything wrong , like with my back . I hate being told something shouldn 't hurt as much as it does and stuff like that . I asked the periodontist if he could see the swelling in my mouth and he said , " Of course I can see that ! " He confirmed that something is definitely wrong , that there is much more swelling than there should be at this point , and that things are not healing like they should . I have no idea how I 'm going to pay for all this . My insurance might cover the CT scan , but won 't cover the oral surgeon . And I am tired of my mouth hurting and tired of living on protein shakes , yogurt , pudding and applesauce . And even though I know it 's not my fault , I feel kind of like it is . Like I 'm doing something wrong . Like it 's my fault my body isn 't working like it 's supposed to . I know I 've mentioned this before , but I 'm gonna talk about it again . I get really tired sometimes of people staring at me and my service dog . It 's rude and it makes me uncomfortable . Not long ago , I was at the grocery store . I noticed this woman who had stopped in the middle of the aisle to stare at me . I got my milk out of the cooler , put it in my cart , and saw that she was still standing there , staring . Now , I 've decided that I am going to say something to people that do that . I am going to say something like , " Excuse me . I just wanted to let you know , it makes me really uncomfortable when people stare at me like that . I thought maybe you didn 't realize that and wanted you to know . " But so far , I haven 't actually said that . I tend to chicken out . For some reason , this woman was really irritating me , though . Instead of saying something to her , I stood there and stared back . Just stared . For kind of a long time . It shouldn 't surprise me that after the death of Robin Williams by suicide , people are making the same old ignorant comments about " suicide is selfish " and " cowardly . " And maybe I 'm not so much surprised . But I 'm angry . And I 'm hurt . He died of depression . It 's sad . It 's tragic . But it 's not selfish . It 's no more selfish than if he 'd died of a heart attack or cancer or a stroke . And it 's no more cowardly . Mental illness is an illness . It 's not a choice , it 's not a character flaw , it 's not a moral failing , it 's not a weakness , it 's not an act of cowardice or selfishness . It 's an illness . Why is it so hard for people to get that ? Why do people refuse to acknowledge and accept that ? We visited a resident I will call Edith , whom we 've visited a couple times before . The first time , she petted Isaac for a long time and cried and cried while she petted him . She didn 't talk , but babbled a lot , no words I could make out . She didn 't respond to me at all , just to Isaac . The second time , she didn 't cry , but still didn 't talk , didn 't respond to me at all , just petted Isaac for a long time and babbled some . She looked sad . Today , she looked happy to see Isaac . This is the first time I 've seen her look happy . She petted him and stroked his face really gently and lovingly . She was babbling , no words I could make out , but then she started to croon to Isaac . It was like you would sing to a baby . Still no words I could understand , but definitely singing . It was beautiful . I said to her , " I think you really love dogs , " and then she looked at me as if she was surprised and said , clear as day , " Yes ! " I was delighted . I fished a treat out of my pocket for her to give to Isaac and helped her open her hand flat and placed the treat on her open palm . Isaac gobbled it up , leaving her hand slick with doggie slobber . And she laughed . Loudly . She looked so delighted . She looked at her slobbery hand , looked at me , looked at Isaac , and laughed again . I wiped some of the dog spit off her hand with my own hand , laughing too . Then , with her other hand , she pointed at her palm . She was clearly asking for another treat to give Isaac . I understand her perfectly . I got out another treat . One of the housekeepers was walking by and heard her laughing and came to see what was going on . I told her how Edith had been singing to Isaac and how she 'd said yes , she loves dogs , and how she 's asked for another treat to give him . Then I handed her one more treat , just so the housekeeper could see . It was such a lovely thing to see . I wanted to stay there all day , engaging Edith . It was so beautiful , so incredible , that she was responding like that . That is why I want to do therapy dog work with Isaac . It was a good day in other ways , as well . We visited Dorothy , the woman Isaac kissed on the nose the first day we met her . He did not kiss her today but she told the residents sitting near her , " Sometimes he gives kisses right here , " and pointed to her nose . I love it that she still remembers how he kissed her and that she loved it so much . Have you heard about the luxury condo development going up in New York that will have a separate entrance for lower income residents ? In order to get big tax breaks , the developers decided to include some units for lower income residents . But those residents will have to use a separate entrance , not the front door . They also will not be allowed to use the pool or the gym . Or did you know that ? The Americans with Disabilities Act requires businesses to have accessible entrances ( although there are many exceptions or exemptions ) , but the law does not require any businesses to make their main entrances accessible . In many instances , the wheelchair accessible entrance is a back or side entrance , maybe back by the dumpster . The other day I was at my local post office and for the first time , as I climbed the many steps to the front door , it occurred to me that no one using a wheelchair or walker would be able to get up those steps . So I looked around to find out how they would get in . They would have to go around to the back of the building and go in the entrance usually used for deliveries . Now , if a restaurant or other business put a sign on the front door that said " African Americans must use rear entrance , " people would be upset . If they put a sign on the front door that said " Jewish people must use rear entrance , " people would think that was wrong . People don 't think poor people should be required to use the back entrance , either . And here 's the thing . It would be a violation of the ADA to post a sign at the front door saying " People with disabilities must use rear entrance . " But it is perfectly legal , and apparently acceptable to most people , to create a front door that makes it impossible for people with certain disabilities to enter . It 's illegal to have a policy requiring people with disabilities to use the rear entrance but perfectly legal to build a building that requires them to do so . welfare people have decided I have to provide a prescription for my service dog , otherwise they will no longer count service - dog related expenses as medical expenses . Why they 've decided this after 14 months of counting those expenses with no script , I don 't know . Neither do they ; I asked . But this is what they wanted , so this is what I got . It I wasn 't sure if she was talking to me or to Isaac . She seemed to be looking at us both . It 's not uncommon for people to greet Isaac and not me or to otherwise speak to him and not me . I don 't mind that , usually . Sometimes I just ignore them , other times I answer for Isaac . If they say , " How are you today ? " to Isaac , I might say , " He 's fine " or " He says he 's great . " It just depends on my mood , I guess , and what I 'm doing at the time . But this time I couldn 't tell . She was using the tone of voice people often use when talking to dogs . If she was talking to me that way , it must be because she thought I was intellectually disabled since I had a service dog . One thing I always try to do is to get a resident 's consent before bringing Isaac into their room or before bringing him real close to them , before letting him sniff them , before letting him kiss them , before letting him put his paws up on the arm of their chair or on their bed , before letting him jump up on their bed , and so on . While many of the residents love him , I know not everyone likes dogs ( Isaac does not know that , though , so shhh ! Don 't tell him ) . Some people are afraid of dogs . Some are happy to pet a dog but don 't want to be licked by a dog . Some of the residents like dogs but sometimes they may not feel well or may be tired or in pain or may be busy doing something else and just not want to pet him at that very moment . So if someone is in the dining room , I stop a short distance from them and ask " Do you want to pet the dog ? " If someone is in their room , I knock on the door ( even if it 's open ) and ask if they want to pet the dog . There are some people that I know always want to pet the dog , but I still knock before entering their rooms or greet them from a short distance away and make sure they want a visit from Isaac today . With some of those people , I don 't really have to ask if they want to pet Isaac because as soon as they see us coming , they call out to him or beckon him over to them . But in general , I ask . And if I think they could reach him better if he put his paws up on the arm of their chair , I ask if it 's OK for him to do that . And so on . Dogs rely a lot on body language , though , and tone of voice . Isaac listens to those things more than to the words someone says . When we still lived with Mike , Mike would tell him to lie down or leave something alone , but Isaac wouldn 't do what Mike told him to do . Mike didn 't know why . I knew why , though , and I tried to explain it to Mike . The problem was that Mike said " leave it " in the same tone of voice you would say " come on , let 's play ! " Mike said " down " in the same tone of voice you would use to say " good doggie , I want to pet you ! " Isaac responded to the tone of voice , not to his words . I 've found that if I listen with doggie ears , or pay attention to things like tone of voice and body language , I can get a pretty good idea of what people are saying or trying to say . I can tell if they want Isaac to come closer or if they don 't want him to come closer . I can tell if they are happy he is near them or if they would maybe prefer to be left alone . An acquaintance of mine told me she was browsing my Etsy shop and she thought I should make more cloth menstrual pads from batik print fabric . Currently I have a couple of those listed but I also have a lot of animal prints , mostly various kitty cats , but also some whales and dolphins . She told me she felt weird about having animals in her underpants . I don 't have anything made from them in my Etsy shop yet , of course . I hope to soon . And if you find anything you like , remember to use the coupon code " BLOGREADER " to get 10 % of whatever you buy ! I did not take Isaac with me , for two reasons . One , it 's my understanding that medical people generally don 't want a dog in the room when they are doing surgery because they want things to be as clean and sterile as possible . Now , this was dental surgery and it was done in the same room I had my exam the previous week , not in an operating room , but still , the dentist and the assistant wore masks and gloves and you can 't put a mask on a dog . It is allowable under the Americans with Disabilities Act to exclude service dogs for this reason . However , as soon as I got there the assistant asked me where my dog was and assured me it would have been no problem having him there . Well , now I know for next time . But the other reason I didn 't take him was because it 's hard to talk and give commands to a dog when someone is performing surgery inside your mouth . I did not feel comfortable trusting Isaac to hold a down stay for an hour without needing to maybe tell him at some point to lie back down . And I didn 't trust myself to be able to pay enough attention to him , either , to even notice when he was starting to get up or something . I knew I would be very focused on what was happening in my mouth and on dissociating from what was happening in my mouth , and as smart as Isaac is , he is also aware of when I 'm not paying attention to him and is not above trying to sneak in a sniff of something he 's not supposed to sniff or sneakily soliciting a pet from somebody . I definitely did not want my dog distracting my dentist while he was operating on my mouth ! So I didn 't take him . I did take my weighted blanket . I always feel sort of weird settling into the dental chair with my blankie , but you know , whatever it takes to get through it . I explained to the assistant what it was and how it was supposed to help with anxiety . She was not familiar with weighted blankets but said she liked the idea . She said she likes to be under very heavy blankets . The actually surgery itself was not bad . It took less than an hour and he gave me tons of novacaine . I did not feel a thing . Unfortunately , the tons of novacaine began to wear off when I was almost home and by the time I got inside my apartment , I was in tears . As I 'd feared , the aftermath was worse than the actual surgery . The pain was really bad . A lot worse than my dental surgery last fall . However , unlike the surgery last fall , it didn 't trigger flashback of having my arms stapled . The severe pain did cause a lot of anxiety , though . Panic , really , I would say . I cried a lot . I wanted to sleep but was in too much pain . I also felt feverish , although I took my temperature and it was actually slightly below normal . But I was freezing cold ; it was 78 degrees in my apartment and I was only warm enough when I was under two blankets . Fortunately , I felt a lot better by the next day . Now , three days later , the pain is pretty minimal most of the time as long as I don 't try to eat . At times it starts to ache a lot but Tylenol is sufficient to reduce that pain . But eating . . . I am starving . I 've been living on protein shakes , mostly . I had some tomato soup yesterday and today I had broccoli cheddar soup from Panera , although I didn 't eat much of the actual chunks of broccoli . I can eat yogurt but honestly , I lot some crunchy stuff in my yogurt , but that hurts too much to eat right now . I also really like chia seeds in my yogurt , but those tend to get stuck in my teeth , and there is no way I could floss right now . Today I baked some diced apples with Splenda , cinnamon and nutmeg , and I cooked them until they were really , really soft , and that was yummy . But I 'm still hungry and wish I could eat actual food . The periodontist said he was surprised to find nothing abnormal or unusual during the surgery . He thought he might find some sort of debris under the skin of my gum , like a tiny food particle or even just a lot of tartar buildup . But there was nothing . So he did a biopsy . It will take seven to 10 days to get those results back . |
OK , Isaac ran more than he walked . I love that I am able to let him off leash at certain parks now . He does not have perfect recall and I wish it was better and I do plan to keep working on it . But he doesn 't go far from me . He runs ahead a little , then comes running back to check in with me , then runs ahead a bit more . He also likes to go off the trail and kind of circle around and come up behind me . Mike often goes for walks with us and Isaac displays what I think is kind of herding behavior , which is really funny to me . He goes a little ahead of us , then comes back and checks in with both of us , and nudges Mike if he is dropping behind . I put him back on the leash if other people are around , because Isaac has not yet figured out that not everyone wants a big doggie running up to them at full speed , trying to kiss them . Luckily most people like Isaac but it 's still not good manners . I went to the emergency room . Well , all most . My local hospital has an urgent care center that is attached to the ER and when I went in they asked me if I wanted to be seen in the ER or in the urgent care and I ended up choosing urgent care . But that was awfully close to going to the ER . See , yesterday afternoon I accidentally sliced open my thumb on the blade of my food processor when I was putting it away . To me , it looked borderline - like maybe it needed stitches , maybe not . Like it could go either way . I put a bandage on it and didn 't worry . That was about 4 : 00 pm . About 8 : 00 pm , I removed the bandage . As soon as I did , the cut started bleeding again . It was still gaping open . I figured that meant it needed stitches after all . I thought about it for a little bit . I could think of many , many reasons not to go . All the same reasons I didn 't go when I accidentally cut my finger while chopping onions last summer . But I could think of many reasons to go , as well . Beyond the obvious medical reasons , I thought that if I was able to go and if I had a positive experience , that would be a really good thing for me . And I 'd been to my local hospital for lab work and I felt good about those experiences . Staff always seemed nice and respectful and stuff . So I decided not to think too much about all the reasons not to go and all the ways it could go wrong , but just to go . And I went . They asked if I wanted to be seen in the ER or the urgent care and I said urgent care would be fine as long as they could do stitches there . Turned out the nurse practitioner didn 't think I needed stitches , though , she thought steri - strips would be sufficient . Which means I didn 't really need to go in after all . But since I was there , the NP wanted to clean and dress my thumb . Why is it that when you have a little wound on one digit , you end up with a bandage that looks like your hand was almost amputated ? The NP was really nice . She asked me questions about service dogs while she took care of my thumb . Good questions , like if programs that train service dogs trained recipients with the dogs before placing the dogs . Which they do . She didn 't ask me anything about the scars on my arms . She was respectful and friendly and treated me like I was an intelligent adult , completely unlike the doctor in the ER two years ago . The RN was friendly and polite , too . In the car on the way to the vet 's office , she choose to spend part of the ride resting in the backseat with Isaac . This was most unlike her and surprised me a lot . I thought it was very sweet , though , and I am so glad I got pics of it . The rest of the trip , she rode in my arms . I was getting a cucumber out of a grocery bag and Isaac looked interested in it . I held it out for him to sniff . I figured he 'd realize he does not like veggies and ignore it . Instead , he took it out do with it . He killed it . Ate some of it and shredded up the rest . What a weird dog . Maybe he thought it was Mr . Pickle ? As you might imagine , this is a pretty stressful time for me . My symptoms of PTSD and DID always get worse , a lot worse sometimes , during times of increased stress . Lucky for me , much of the time my life is fairly low in stress . That 's one of the reasons I 'm not able to work at a regular job or to work more hours even at my super easy work - at - home job . That increases my stress level and my symptoms get worse and then my symptoms are too severe to work at all . So this is a stressful time . I 'm not sleeping well . And I 'm . . . it 's kind of hard to describe . Forgetful , disorganized , disoriented , almost confused at times . This evening , I am trying to bake some lemon zucchini bread . A friend sent me the recipe and it sounded really yummy . I hope it turns out OK but I 'm not sure it will . I have had all sorts of trouble just trying to mix up the batter . Then I was unable to find the brand new bag of Splenda I am positive was in my kitchen cupboard . I remember buying it a while back because it was on sale and then I got home and realized I had more on hand than I thought I did but figured oh well , it would keep . So I should have had a partial bag and a full , unopened bag . Well , the full , unopened bag has somehow disappeared . I don 't know how . I searched all my kitchen cupboards in case I somehow put it in a different cupboard , not with my other baking supplies , but it is no where to be found . And I am sure I did not somehow use up a whole bag of the stuff without remembering doing so . Luckily I had just barely enough in the other , already opened bag . I did find a coffee cup in the cupboard with my baking supplies that I have no recollection of ever seeing before . I don 't know how it got there . Or when it got there . I mean , unless some fairy or elf sneaked into my kitchen , stole my Splenda and left a coffee cup in its place , I must have put it there . But I don 't recall buying it or ever seeing it before . How weird and disconcerting is that ? That 's actually something that some people with DID experience on a frequent basis , but I don 't . Never have . Weirds me out . I was supposed to add the Splenda to the eggs in a separate bowl but somehow ended up adding it to the other dry ingredients instead . Oops . I squeezed the juice from two fresh lemons and adding the correct amount of lemon juice to the batter . I was supposed to save the rest of the lemon juice to use to make a glaze for the top of the bread . But I poured it down the sink instead . Hopefully I can wring a little more juice out of those cut lemons . Luckily I hadn 't thrown them out yet . So I got the batter all mixed up and it seemed too thick to me . I read through the recipe a couple of times , trying to see if maybe I forgot to add something liquid to it , but I think I got it right . Of course , I could have ended up putting too much flour or something in it . Who knows ? I added a little bit more milk so it would be what I thought would be the right consistency . I 've never made zucchini bread before but I 've made banana bread and applesauce bread and quick breads like that , so I figured the batter for the zucchini bread should probably be similar in consistency . I guess we 'll see how it turns out . I 'm trying not to stress about it . I don 't like it when my symptoms are bad like this . That in turn can stress me out more . So I 'm trying not to worry about it . I met Mike at Panera for lunch today . Isaac loves Mike and he hadn 't seen him in a while so he was very excited to see him . Whenever we meet And the answer is yes , you do have to pick up your service dog 's poop . In some cities there are local laws saying don 't , at least not if you are unable to due to your disability , but in most places , there are no laws letting you off the hook . Most places have laws saying dog owners must pick up after their dogs and those laws apply to owners of service dogs as well as pets . The Americans with Disabilities Act , by the way , doesn 't say anything about picking up a service dog 's poop . It does require reasonable accommodations , so if , for instance , my disability made it simply impossible for me to pick up Isaac 's poop , my landlord would need to make a reasonable accommodation for me . For instance , maybe I could always toilet Isaac in one area , away from my apartment building , and have my dog walker pick up the poop in that area on the days he takes Isaac for a run . I 'd still be responsible for making sure the poop got picked up , but my landlord would need to make some sort of reasonable accommodation in order for that to get done . It would not be reasonable , though , to just let my dog poop all over the lawn and leave it there . Recently I was asked where service dogs poop . Well , they poop outside , like all housebroken dogs . My landlord doesn 't care where Isaac poops as long as I pick it up , but a landlord can ask you to toilet your service dog in certain areas or to avoid certain areas . For instance , if an apartment complex has a playground for kids , the landlord might ask you not to allow your dog to poop in the playground area . Your employer can ask you to toilet your service dog in certain areas , too , or to avoid certain areas . For instance , they might not want customers to see your dog pooping right in front of a restaurant or doctor 's office . They might ask you to toilet your dog behind the business , instead . Otherwise , when out in public , I try to toilet Isaac in out - of - the - way areas , whether he 's pooping or peeing . For instance , I usually give him the chance to go potty before we go into a store or restaurant . I usually take him to a grassy area at the side or back end of the parking lot to do that . I generally prefer he doesn 't pee or poop right in front of a business . Even though I pick up his poop , not everyone wants to see a dog pooping . Posted by As you might imagine , Cayenne is going to be a very pampered kitty for the next five days . I know , you are probably thinking , she already is . But you haven 't seen anything yet . The decision was made yesterday , after much soul - searching and a long talk with the vet . I don 't think she is in much pain , I don 't think she is really suffering yet , but her condition is definitely deteriorating . She had surgery to remove two large masses on her belly at the beginning of May and now , less than four months later , she has multiple small masses and one the size of a large grape . Two days ago , I noticed the skin was starting to break down again . She has a few small sores and they look and smell infected . I think the infection and skin ulcers are unlikely to clear up and heal , since they didn 't in May . That 's why we had to do the surgery . She has lost weight , I 'm not sure how much , but she has little appetite these days . The only things I can get her to eat now are Pounce brand cat treats and chicken or turkey baby food . She hasn 't eaten dry cat food in a while . She recently began refusing wet cat food . She will not even eat minced hot dog , minced chicken breast or shredded cheese . I would think she was having dental problems or maybe a sore throat since she is happy to eat baby food , except she is also happy to eat Pounce treats and she has to chew those and she requests them often . She does seem to enjoy the baby food but only eats a small amount at a time . A few days ago , she surprised me by eating a total of seven tablespoons of baby food in a whole day . That surprised me because for the two or three days preceding that one , she 's only eaten about two tablespoons per day . Over the last week , she has peed on my couch multiple times . She has only gotten off the couch to pee twice in a week . Now , peeing on the couch is not real unusual for Cayenne . That 's why my couch is covered with cheap shower curtains and old towels . But peeing on it daily is a bit unusual . I think she doesn 't feel well enough to bother getting off the couch to pee . When she walks , not all the time but often , she seems kind of wobbly . That just started in the last week . It 's almost like her back legs aren 't quite working right . She doesn 't seem to be in pain . She spends most of her time sleeping , but she 's slept a lot for the last few years . She is an elderly house cat . That 's what they do . She does move from place to place , sometimes sleeping on the arm of the couch , sometimes on her pillow on the couch , occasionally sitting and dozing in the window , especially when I open it for her . She seems to enjoy being petting and brushed , as long as I brush very gently . I 'm deeply sad but I also feel a sense of peace and maybe even relief . I think it 's the right decision . Since I can 't cure her illness , since I can 't make her live , the best I can do for her is to give her a peaceful death . And I 'm going to do that . Today at Kroger , a little boy , about six or seven , with no parent in sight , came up to me and asked if he could take my dog for a walk . Every time I think I 've heard it all , and prepared responses to it all , I hear something new . I just said , " Um . . . . no . " Service dogs should have a certain kind of temperament . When a professional service dog trainer or an animal behaviorist evaluates a dog to see if he might make a good service dog , they do things like touch the dog all over to see if the dog tolerates it . Of course , there is a lot more to an assessment than just that . That 's why , even if someone plans to train their own service dog , it 's a very good idea to have a professional at least help in the selection process . When I was having trouble finding a service dog program and thinking of training my own service dog ( with lots and lots of help from a professional trainer ) , the trainer I was talking to was going to help me choose the dog . But anyway . A dog that is quick to be startled or upset or that is really sensitive to being touched in certain ways or certain places probably wouldn 't make a good service dog . A service dog should have a pretty easy - going temperament and not be quick to growl or snap or bite , even if he really doesn 't like something . Like Isaac . I think , for Isaac to be provoked into biting someone , you would have to restrain him so that he couldn 't get away from you and then do something that didn 't just bug him but that was pretty painful or otherwise unpleasant . If Isaac doesn 't like something , his first reaction is typically to try to move away from it . He doesn 't necessarily try to even get away from the person doing it , just to move that part of his body out of reach . For instance , he doesn 't really like his feet handled a lot . He is happy to shake hands , but if you want to touch his toes a lot , he will try to pull his paw away . He doesn 't try to walk away , he still wants attention and wants you to pet him and play with him and stuff , he just prefers you stop touching his toes . Or , he doesn 't like his talk messed with very much , either . You can pet it a little but if you try to play with it a lot , he will turn his body so his head is closer to you and his tail is further away . Then he will probably try to kiss you . Because he 's not mad at you for touching his tail , he 'd just rather you scratch behind his ears . As long as you 're not really hurting him , though , he will tolerate you doing something he doesn 't like . He allows me to hold his foot and cut his toenails , even though he 'd rather I didn 't . He will attempt to pull his foot away sometimes but I just tell him to stay and he sits there and holds still . He just gives me the sad puppy eyes about it . But he 's been trained to cooperate . So in addition to having the right sort of temperament , he has training that makes him unlikely to bite . There is a man at the nursing home we visit that likes to pet Isaac . He doesn 't pet very gently , though . Now , Isaac is not real picky about how he gets petted . Cayenne sure is ! Probably most cats are pickier than most dogs , but she is really picky . If you don 't do it right , she just won 't let you pet her at all . But Isaac doesn 't much care . He has favorite places and ways to be petted , but he is happy with almost any sort of petting . But this particular man has trouble stroking . He doesn 't pat , either . He kind of scrunches his fingers together and sometimes he sort of pinches . I don 't think he means to and I don 't think he understands what he 's doing , but Isaac doesn 't much like it . He will tolerate it for a minute or so , but when it gets too pinchy , he backs away . And that 's the other thing about service dogs and making sure they don 't bite . The owner has to pay attention . When Isaac backs away , especially if he does it more than once , he is saying , " Hey , I don 't like this . " He would probably stand still for it if I told him to , at least for a while . But if I didn 't listen when he told me he really doesn 't like something , he might start telling me in a louder , more insistent way . He might growl , for instance . Or snap at the man . And if that didn 't work , he might feel he had no other choice but to bite . That would be his last resort , though , and I would consider that my fault . Yesterday I went to the dentist . My regular dentist . To see if he agreed with the periodontist that I do not have advanced periodontal disease or with the oral surgeon that I do have advanced periodontal disease and need to have two teeth removed . Nice man , he said I do not have periodontal disease and he would not remove any teeth . He said oral surgeons just like to pull teeth because that 's what they do . So I called the oral surgeon and left a message with his receptionist , explaining that I would not be scheduling any tooth extractions and why . I really hope she passed it on to the surgeon . You know that dentist office smell ? Well , as the dentist was examining my mouth and Isaac was snoozing away , suddenly , that dentist office smell was replaced with a most foul and offensive odor . Isaac had farted . Like this story . A family wants to raise money for a service dog for a three - year - old boy with multiple disabilities , including a muscular disorder , a feeding disorder and a seizure disorder . The boy is nonverbal and hits himself when he gets upset . Um , what is going to keep him from hitting a dog when he is upset ? Most service dog organizations won 't place a service dog with someone that regularly harms himself , especially not someone that is nonverbal and hasn 't learned other coping skills . But the particular organization this family plans to get a dog from apparently will place a dog with anyone that comes up with the money . I guess it 's just too bad for the dog if he gets hurt . The boy has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder but hasn 't had a seizure in a year . So does he really need a seizure response dog ? The family says they want a dog that can alert a family member when ( or if ) he has another seizure . But this child has a home health nurse with him for 20 hours a day , five days a week . So why can 't the nurse alert a family member if he has a seizure ? They also want to tether him to the dog so he doesn 't wander off and get lost . Well , tethering kids to dogs is very dangerous , as I 've discussed before . But also . He is three ! He should not be without adult supervision , at all . Even a non - disabled three - year - old should not be without adult supervision . So why would you need to tether him to anything ? Can 't an adult ( like the nurses that are with him 100 hours a week , for instance ? ) keen an eye on him ? Can 't an adult hold his hand ? Or , if the family really wants to tether him to something , how about a responsible adult ? Which would be much , much safer than tethering him to a dog . It is coming up on two years since Isaac came to live with me . I 've been thinking about our relationship and how it 's changed and developed over that time . I used to hear people with service dogs talk about how their dogs were like a part of them and I thought I understood that but at the same time , I did not feel that way about Isaac . I loved Isaac . Well , maybe I didn 't love him when I first got him , but I liked him a lot from the beginning , and I soon grew to love him . But he didn 't feel like a part of me . It 's interesting to me , the relationships we have with our animal companions . I once had a cat named Eileen , who died eight years ago , that I considered my soul mate . I told people she was my best friend , and she really was , but I feel like she was even more than that . I 'm sure it sounds weird to many people to say she was my soul mate , but that 's really the best term I can find to describe out relationship . Cayenne is like a family member that I love a lot . She 's not my best friend . She is not my soul mate . But I love her . People often refer to their pets as their babies and maybe she was like my baby when she was younger . But now she is elderly . And she seems elderly . So it doesn 't make sense to call her my baby . She doesn 't seem like my baby . She doesn 't seem like a child . Maybe she seems more like a grandmother . She feels like family , though . Isaac , I would say now , is like my partner . People with service dogs often use that term . They say things like , " I am partnered with a yellow lab named Isaac . " They also often refer to themselves and their service dogs as teams , saying things like , " I met another service dog team today . " It is not inaccurate to say Isaac and I are a team , but that brings to mind something like a sports team and that 's not what our relationship is like , not at all . It 's more a partnership , I think . Almost like a marriage . I love Isaac deeply , I feel responsible for caring for him , and I feel like I can trust him to take care of me . It 's an intense relationship and probably somewhat codependent , but then , it 's designed to be that way , isn 't it ? Isaac and I communicate like a couple that 's been together for a long time , I think . Longer than two years , really . But I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we are together all the time . Most couples don 't spend nearly the amount of time together that Isaac and I do . Also , dogs are really sensitive to body language and I 've tried to be very sensitive to Isaac 's body language , since he can 't communicate verbally . But we can often communicate with just a look . I have a look I give him that means " sit " and he knows that look . He has a look he gives me that means he needs to go out to pee and I know that look . And we can often anticipate each other 's moves and needs and desires . He knows when I need him to pick up something for me . I know when he is thinking of chasing a rabbit . I love how well I know him and I love how well he knows me . I should add that it took a long time to get to this point . The first year of our relationship was rather rough . I 'm told that 's common in service dog partnerships . I mean , we liked each other the first year , but we didn 't fit together instantly and seamlessly . It took time and work to get to that point . I saw the oral surgeon today , who told me I have " advanced periodontal disease " and two teeth need to come out . He said there is no saving them . I asked how come the periodontist I just saw two days ago wasn 't able to diagnose advanced periodontal disease and he said " I don 't know . That 's a good question . " He advises removing the two teeth ASAP and strongly recommends doing it under general anesthesia because of the degree of infection and inflammation . He said if I really wanted , he would do it under a local with me awake , but he suspects it will be very painful because the infected , inflamed tissue won 't numb properly . Well , I 'd rather be out anyway , except it costs more and I have to have someone to drive me . They want me to have someone stay with me for 12 hours after the procedure , but there is simply no way that will happen . I might - might - be able to get someone to drive me rather than take a cab but they would probably just drop me off at home . Maybe come in with me for a few minutes but not for 12 hours . But OK , I just wouldn 't tell the surgeon that . After can 't , because I cannot afford it . There is no way I can possibly afford it . Maybe in a year or two , but not now . So I would have a big gap in my teeth in the front of my mouth . Which normally would bother me but I don 't even care that much right now because I just want my mouth to stop hurting and want to be able to eat again . But I was after I left the oral surgeon , I called the periodontist to tell him what the surgeon said . He said he absolutely disagrees , that he saw absolutely no sign of periodontal disease ( advanced or otherwise ) in my mouth . He does not know what is causing the inflammation and pain and stuff , but feels certain it is not periodontal disease . He does not think the two teeth need to come out . Well , so far I have seen three physicians and spent $ 1 , 146 out of my pocket , and I am still in pain , still cannot eat any solid food , and still don 't even know what is oral surgeon also thought the infection was really bad and he prescribed two different antibiotics for that . So I will start taking those today ( it 's a total of eight pills a day , ugh ) and try to figure out what to do . I am so frustrated ! Isaac and I went to Lake Erie today . I woke up feeling tired and just not - good , but eventually dragged myself out of bed and decided to go to the lake . As always , as soon as we got there , I was glad I went . I need more time in nature . I love the lake . I love the feel of the warm sand under my feet . I love the sound of the waves lapping at the shore . And I love the pure joy I see in Isaac as he runs across the sand and plays in the water . For some reason I 've having trouble posting some of the photos I took with my phone today , but I am able to post this one . This is Isaac , rolling in a dead fish he dug up on the beach . Yeah , I know it 's gross . But he was already doing it before I could stop him . And he was having so much fun . He was so happy to be rolling in the stink . He 'd already been in the water so sand was sticking to him all over . Look how dirty he is ! But look how happy , too . The periodontist confirmed that . That was good , at least . Too many times I 've been told doctors couldn 't find anything wrong , like with my back . I hate being told something shouldn 't hurt as much as it does and stuff like that . I asked the periodontist if he could see the swelling in my mouth and he said , " Of course I can see that ! " He confirmed that something is definitely wrong , that there is much more swelling than there should be at this point , and that things are not healing like they should . I have no idea how I 'm going to pay for all this . My insurance might cover the CT scan , but won 't cover the oral surgeon . And I am tired of my mouth hurting and tired of living on protein shakes , yogurt , pudding and applesauce . And even though I know it 's not my fault , I feel kind of like it is . Like I 'm doing something wrong . Like it 's my fault my body isn 't working like it 's supposed to . I know I 've mentioned this before , but I 'm gonna talk about it again . I get really tired sometimes of people staring at me and my service dog . It 's rude and it makes me uncomfortable . Not long ago , I was at the grocery store . I noticed this woman who had stopped in the middle of the aisle to stare at me . I got my milk out of the cooler , put it in my cart , and saw that she was still standing there , staring . Now , I 've decided that I am going to say something to people that do that . I am going to say something like , " Excuse me . I just wanted to let you know , it makes me really uncomfortable when people stare at me like that . I thought maybe you didn 't realize that and wanted you to know . " But so far , I haven 't actually said that . I tend to chicken out . For some reason , this woman was really irritating me , though . Instead of saying something to her , I stood there and stared back . Just stared . For kind of a long time . It shouldn 't surprise me that after the death of Robin Williams by suicide , people are making the same old ignorant comments about " suicide is selfish " and " cowardly . " And maybe I 'm not so much surprised . But I 'm angry . And I 'm hurt . He died of depression . It 's sad . It 's tragic . But it 's not selfish . It 's no more selfish than if he 'd died of a heart attack or cancer or a stroke . And it 's no more cowardly . Mental illness is an illness . It 's not a choice , it 's not a character flaw , it 's not a moral failing , it 's not a weakness , it 's not an act of cowardice or selfishness . It 's an illness . Why is it so hard for people to get that ? Why do people refuse to acknowledge and accept that ? We visited a resident I will call Edith , whom we 've visited a couple times before . The first time , she petted Isaac for a long time and cried and cried while she petted him . She didn 't talk , but babbled a lot , no words I could make out . She didn 't respond to me at all , just to Isaac . The second time , she didn 't cry , but still didn 't talk , didn 't respond to me at all , just petted Isaac for a long time and babbled some . She looked sad . Today , she looked happy to see Isaac . This is the first time I 've seen her look happy . She petted him and stroked his face really gently and lovingly . She was babbling , no words I could make out , but then she started to croon to Isaac . It was like you would sing to a baby . Still no words I could understand , but definitely singing . It was beautiful . I said to her , " I think you really love dogs , " and then she looked at me as if she was surprised and said , clear as day , " Yes ! " I was delighted . I fished a treat out of my pocket for her to give to Isaac and helped her open her hand flat and placed the treat on her open palm . Isaac gobbled it up , leaving her hand slick with doggie slobber . And she laughed . Loudly . She looked so delighted . She looked at her slobbery hand , looked at me , looked at Isaac , and laughed again . I wiped some of the dog spit off her hand with my own hand , laughing too . Then , with her other hand , she pointed at her palm . She was clearly asking for another treat to give Isaac . I understand her perfectly . I got out another treat . One of the housekeepers was walking by and heard her laughing and came to see what was going on . I told her how Edith had been singing to Isaac and how she 'd said yes , she loves dogs , and how she 's asked for another treat to give him . Then I handed her one more treat , just so the housekeeper could see . It was such a lovely thing to see . I wanted to stay there all day , engaging Edith . It was so beautiful , so incredible , that she was responding like that . That is why I want to do therapy dog work with Isaac . It was a good day in other ways , as well . We visited Dorothy , the woman Isaac kissed on the nose the first day we met her . He did not kiss her today but she told the residents sitting near her , " Sometimes he gives kisses right here , " and pointed to her nose . I love it that she still remembers how he kissed her and that she loved it so much . Have you heard about the luxury condo development going up in New York that will have a separate entrance for lower income residents ? In order to get big tax breaks , the developers decided to include some units for lower income residents . But those residents will have to use a separate entrance , not the front door . They also will not be allowed to use the pool or the gym . Or did you know that ? The Americans with Disabilities Act requires businesses to have accessible entrances ( although there are many exceptions or exemptions ) , but the law does not require any businesses to make their main entrances accessible . In many instances , the wheelchair accessible entrance is a back or side entrance , maybe back by the dumpster . The other day I was at my local post office and for the first time , as I climbed the many steps to the front door , it occurred to me that no one using a wheelchair or walker would be able to get up those steps . So I looked around to find out how they would get in . They would have to go around to the back of the building and go in the entrance usually used for deliveries . Now , if a restaurant or other business put a sign on the front door that said " African Americans must use rear entrance , " people would be upset . If they put a sign on the front door that said " Jewish people must use rear entrance , " people would think that was wrong . People don 't think poor people should be required to use the back entrance , either . And here 's the thing . It would be a violation of the ADA to post a sign at the front door saying " People with disabilities must use rear entrance . " But it is perfectly legal , and apparently acceptable to most people , to create a front door that makes it impossible for people with certain disabilities to enter . It 's illegal to have a policy requiring people with disabilities to use the rear entrance but perfectly legal to build a building that requires them to do so . welfare people have decided I have to provide a prescription for my service dog , otherwise they will no longer count service - dog related expenses as medical expenses . Why they 've decided this after 14 months of counting those expenses with no script , I don 't know . Neither do they ; I asked . But this is what they wanted , so this is what I got . It I wasn 't sure if she was talking to me or to Isaac . She seemed to be looking at us both . It 's not uncommon for people to greet Isaac and not me or to otherwise speak to him and not me . I don 't mind that , usually . Sometimes I just ignore them , other times I answer for Isaac . If they say , " How are you today ? " to Isaac , I might say , " He 's fine " or " He says he 's great . " It just depends on my mood , I guess , and what I 'm doing at the time . But this time I couldn 't tell . She was using the tone of voice people often use when talking to dogs . If she was talking to me that way , it must be because she thought I was intellectually disabled since I had a service dog . One thing I always try to do is to get a resident 's consent before bringing Isaac into their room or before bringing him real close to them , before letting him sniff them , before letting him kiss them , before letting him put his paws up on the arm of their chair or on their bed , before letting him jump up on their bed , and so on . While many of the residents love him , I know not everyone likes dogs ( Isaac does not know that , though , so shhh ! Don 't tell him ) . Some people are afraid of dogs . Some are happy to pet a dog but don 't want to be licked by a dog . Some of the residents like dogs but sometimes they may not feel well or may be tired or in pain or may be busy doing something else and just not want to pet him at that very moment . So if someone is in the dining room , I stop a short distance from them and ask " Do you want to pet the dog ? " If someone is in their room , I knock on the door ( even if it 's open ) and ask if they want to pet the dog . There are some people that I know always want to pet the dog , but I still knock before entering their rooms or greet them from a short distance away and make sure they want a visit from Isaac today . With some of those people , I don 't really have to ask if they want to pet Isaac because as soon as they see us coming , they call out to him or beckon him over to them . But in general , I ask . And if I think they could reach him better if he put his paws up on the arm of their chair , I ask if it 's OK for him to do that . And so on . Dogs rely a lot on body language , though , and tone of voice . Isaac listens to those things more than to the words someone says . When we still lived with Mike , Mike would tell him to lie down or leave something alone , but Isaac wouldn 't do what Mike told him to do . Mike didn 't know why . I knew why , though , and I tried to explain it to Mike . The problem was that Mike said " leave it " in the same tone of voice you would say " come on , let 's play ! " Mike said " down " in the same tone of voice you would use to say " good doggie , I want to pet you ! " Isaac responded to the tone of voice , not to his words . I 've found that if I listen with doggie ears , or pay attention to things like tone of voice and body language , I can get a pretty good idea of what people are saying or trying to say . I can tell if they want Isaac to come closer or if they don 't want him to come closer . I can tell if they are happy he is near them or if they would maybe prefer to be left alone . An acquaintance of mine told me she was browsing my Etsy shop and she thought I should make more cloth menstrual pads from batik print fabric . Currently I have a couple of those listed but I also have a lot of animal prints , mostly various kitty cats , but also some whales and dolphins . She told me she felt weird about having animals in her underpants . I don 't have anything made from them in my Etsy shop yet , of course . I hope to soon . And if you find anything you like , remember to use the coupon code " BLOGREADER " to get 10 % of whatever you buy ! I did not take Isaac with me , for two reasons . One , it 's my understanding that medical people generally don 't want a dog in the room when they are doing surgery because they want things to be as clean and sterile as possible . Now , this was dental surgery and it was done in the same room I had my exam the previous week , not in an operating room , but still , the dentist and the assistant wore masks and gloves and you can 't put a mask on a dog . It is allowable under the Americans with Disabilities Act to exclude service dogs for this reason . However , as soon as I got there the assistant asked me where my dog was and assured me it would have been no problem having him there . Well , now I know for next time . But the other reason I didn 't take him was because it 's hard to talk and give commands to a dog when someone is performing surgery inside your mouth . I did not feel comfortable trusting Isaac to hold a down stay for an hour without needing to maybe tell him at some point to lie back down . And I didn 't trust myself to be able to pay enough attention to him , either , to even notice when he was starting to get up or something . I knew I would be very focused on what was happening in my mouth and on dissociating from what was happening in my mouth , and as smart as Isaac is , he is also aware of when I 'm not paying attention to him and is not above trying to sneak in a sniff of something he 's not supposed to sniff or sneakily soliciting a pet from somebody . I definitely did not want my dog distracting my dentist while he was operating on my mouth ! So I didn 't take him . I did take my weighted blanket . I always feel sort of weird settling into the dental chair with my blankie , but you know , whatever it takes to get through it . I explained to the assistant what it was and how it was supposed to help with anxiety . She was not familiar with weighted blankets but said she liked the idea . She said she likes to be under very heavy blankets . The actually surgery itself was not bad . It took less than an hour and he gave me tons of novacaine . I did not feel a thing . Unfortunately , the tons of novacaine began to wear off when I was almost home and by the time I got inside my apartment , I was in tears . As I 'd feared , the aftermath was worse than the actual surgery . The pain was really bad . A lot worse than my dental surgery last fall . However , unlike the surgery last fall , it didn 't trigger flashback of having my arms stapled . The severe pain did cause a lot of anxiety , though . Panic , really , I would say . I cried a lot . I wanted to sleep but was in too much pain . I also felt feverish , although I took my temperature and it was actually slightly below normal . But I was freezing cold ; it was 78 degrees in my apartment and I was only warm enough when I was under two blankets . Fortunately , I felt a lot better by the next day . Now , three days later , the pain is pretty minimal most of the time as long as I don 't try to eat . At times it starts to ache a lot but Tylenol is sufficient to reduce that pain . But eating . . . I am starving . I 've been living on protein shakes , mostly . I had some tomato soup yesterday and today I had broccoli cheddar soup from Panera , although I didn 't eat much of the actual chunks of broccoli . I can eat yogurt but honestly , I lot some crunchy stuff in my yogurt , but that hurts too much to eat right now . I also really like chia seeds in my yogurt , but those tend to get stuck in my teeth , and there is no way I could floss right now . Today I baked some diced apples with Splenda , cinnamon and nutmeg , and I cooked them until they were really , really soft , and that was yummy . But I 'm still hungry and wish I could eat actual food . The periodontist said he was surprised to find nothing abnormal or unusual during the surgery . He thought he might find some sort of debris under the skin of my gum , like a tiny food particle or even just a lot of tartar buildup . But there was nothing . So he did a biopsy . It will take seven to 10 days to get those results back . |
It 's Sunday morning and story time . This one is a long one , so sit down with a cup of coffee ( or tea ) and a cinnamon bun , then enjoy . Feel free to make comments . Constructive feedback is the lifeblood of a striving author . After a long day at school , Debbie picked up an armful of text books and trudged up the back steps into her home . Her mother stood at the kitchen stove preparing dinner . " Oh hi , Hon , how was your day ? " Debbie dumped her books on the kitchen table and went into the dining room . She couldn 't imagine who would be sending her anything . She picked up a small box wrapped in thick brown paper . The label on the box was typewritten and there was no return address . As she held the small box , a feeling of dread overcame her . She tore off the paper , opened the box , and gasped . " Oh my God . " She dropped into a chair like someone had sucked the oxygen out of her lungs . In her hand was a little red diary with a small metal key taped to its top . " Yes . " Debbie 's face was somber . " I need to be alone for a while . " Debbie dragged herself up to her room , flopped on her bed , and fingered the gold gilding on the diary . She took the small key and turned the lock on the little book . When she opened it a small piece of folded pink stationery fell to the floor . She leaned over and picked it up . The note read : " Debbie - I 'm mailing this on Saturday night because my diary needs to be in your friendly hands . You 're the best friend I ever had , and I want you to know I 'll always love and trust you . " Debbie refolded the personal note and began to read . Why did MY Dad have to have a heart attack ? It 's not fair to any of us . Why did God punish us this way ? We go to church every Sunday . We all obey the rules . My Dad 's a good man . I 'm a good daughter . What did we do that was so horrible to curse him with such a terrible illness ? Daddy never smiles . Mom is sad and angry . I think they 're both scared of what will happen next . Mom is not used to working away from home and her office job seems hard for her . She 's always tired and complains we don 't have enough money . I don 't ask for anything . If I want something for myself , I make the money by babysitting . . . at 50 cents an hour ; it takes a while to even buy fabric for a new dress or pair of shorts . Then I have to sew it . My friends say I 'm a good seamstress , but I don 't think my clothes are as nice as the ones in the store . I 'm caught in 17 year old hell . This summer has been such a drag . It 's been SO hot and now that I 'm home all day , the housework , baking and babysitting little Chrissie , falls on me . When my friends go to the beach , I 'm stuck " hanging ten " at the ironing board . I keep telling myself this household experience will come in handy someday . Yeah , right . But maybe things are going to change . Last night I met a new guy at the ball diamond ! He 's movie - star good looking with butter blonde hair and eyes as blue as Paul Newman . He 's not real tall , maybe about 5 ' 10 " but he 's got muscles on top of his muscles . I nearly died when he came over to me and said , " Hi , I 'm Jeff . " It was his warm smile that did it for me . And when he asked if he could sit by me , I could barely get out " Yes . " We talked about the game and before the night was over , he asked whether he could call me . Call me ? I thought I was dreaming ! Of course , I said " yes . " How could I say no to a perfect boyfriend ? Oh Diary , he 's not only great looking , but he 's also polite and funny . He 's easy to talk to and very smart . I haven 't had so much fun all summer ! I 'm saying good night , praying that he wasn 't kidding when he said he 'd call me for a date . Do you think God hears prayers like that ? Oh , by - the - way , Jeff is even Catholic , so maybe God will hear me after all . Guess what ? Jeff called ! Oh , my god , I thought I died and went to heaven when I heard his voice . He asked me to go celebrate the 4th of July with him , and my parents said Okay . . . only a day to wait . Oh , thank you , God . Jeff picked me up this afternoon in his uncle 's beautiful blue Pontiac Bonneville convertible . Jeff told his uncle he was taking out the prettiest brunette in the world and he wanted to impress her . What a crock , huh ? I do love it , though , that he thinks I 'm pretty . His friend Bob came with him and Debbie came with me . So , the four of us tooled around in that beautiful convertible like we owned the town . I felt so proud sitting next to Jeff as we drove along the lake , scoping out the perfect spot on the beach to watch the fireworks . Deb and I brought a picnic lunch , we swam in the icy water of Lake Michigan and then the four of us got comfortable on an old scratchy army blanket as we waited for the fireworks . When it grew dark , Jeff put his arm around me as the night air set in . I felt warm and safe next to him , and as the fireworks finale boomed out a splattering of every color , he kissed me gently on the lips . I loved the taste of his soft lips and wished he would have kissed me again . But being a gentleman , he only took this one shy kiss . Oh , Diary , isn 't summer wonderful ? It 's back to housework and babysitting . But today , I don 't care . Deb came over and we relived every minute of yesterday . She 's nuts about Bob and wants to see him as much as I want to see Jeff . We 're already making plans for next weekend . Jeff works construction for his uncle , so going out during the week is impossible ; on top of that , the boys live 40 miles away . We thought a picnic at Petrifying Springs Park on Sunday . Jeff and Bob picked us up at noon ; this time our transportation wasn 't quite so fancy . Jeff drove his own car this time - a 1958 Chevy he called " The Beast . " The navy blue car has seen better days , and it had a stick shift on the steering column . Our car is an " automatic , " so I was curious as Jeff went through the gears . At one point , Jeff dared me to drop the car into third gear - but oops , I slipped it into first and the beast roared ! Grinding and chugging sounds came from under the hood , and Jeff quickly fixed my mistake and said , " I guess I 'd better do the shifting . " Then he teased me about being a woman driver . Our picnic was fun . Deb and I showed the boys our favorite park in the world , and we teased them about a witches ' castle being in the woods . I made up a story about how the witches captured children who got too close to their castle and were never seen again . Jeff got a real kick out of it when he saw the witches ' castle was nothing more than an old pump house . When the sun set , we drove home slowly , wishing the day didn 't have to end . Jeff walked me to the door and we kissed . His lips are so tender , I missed him as soon as he drove away . It 's back to the same old grind . Changing diapers , making peanut butter sandwiches , vacuuming , washing dishes , and so on and so on . I kept reliving yesterday . Even housework can 't spoil my memories . Best of all , I get to share them with Debbie . She keeps me company everyday , and . I think I 'd kill myself if she didn 't . Hell ( oops ) , Heck , I feel like I 'm 30 already . I watch kids , clean and cook all week . I feel like Cinderella without a fairy godmother . The boys made their weekly Sunday trip to see us . Deb and I planned to go to the downtown zoo , which is free and right on the lake , so the cool breeze felt wonderful after a whole week of record heat . Jeff wore a " muscle t - shirt " and a pair of tight jeans that emphasized his great body . I couldn 't take my eyes off of him . I swear if he went to Hollywood , he 'd be discovered by some director and be a movie star as famous as Robert Redford . All I can say is , I 'm star - struck . When we 're together , everything is perfect . My mother said that she and Daddy don 't really want me to go out with Jeff any more . She said he 's not right for me . I couldn 't believe my ears ! She said , " What about Tommy ? " You remember Tommy , Diary . He 's nice , but when we broke up after school let out , and I haven 't missed him . Besides , I like Jeff . What 's wrong with him ? Jeff is so sweet to me ; he brought me flowers today . I was so surprised to see him ! My Dad let us go out for a Coke at the little diner a couple of blocks away . When we 're out , he treats me like a queen . He opens doors and always walks on the outside of the sidewalk . He 's almost old fashioned . Best of all , we have fun together . He 's easy to talk to and I can tell him anything . On top of that , he 's gorgeous , and Catholic . Being with a Catholic boy is SO important to my parents . I don 't know what their problem is . Maybe my parents are worried because he 's two years older than I am . But , Tommy was two years older than me , too . You 'd think they would be happy that such a nice guy is interested in me . I always know when my Dad doesn 't feel good because he gets real quiet . Tonight was one of those nights . So when Jeff picked me up for our date , there was no small talk . Instead , my mother yelled at me from the front window , " Behave yourself and don 't get home late ! " I was so embarrassed , but I waved goodbye and smiled at Jeff . " I 'm so glad you 're rescuing me to night . " Jeff slipped his arm around my waist and steered me toward the car . He gave me a little peck on the cheek , opened the car door and said , " Hard day ? " I nodded . He said , " Maybe the movie will cheer you up . " We munched on popcorn , and laughed for a couple of hours as we watched The Love Bug . After the movie we went for pizza . Jeff swore DeRango 's pizza was the best in the world . Then we drove down to the lakefront and parked at Wind Point . Jeff drew me close and held me tight . We kissed gently while he held me . I felt like I 've know him forever , even though it 's only been a few weeks since we met . As Jeff kissed me again and again , his kisses grew longer and more passionate . He touched my face , and I felt the rough calluses on his finger tips from the hard work he did all week . He stroked my long hair and his breathing got deeper . I felt the strong pulse of his heart as I pressed against him . I loved the smell of his English Leather cologne . He kissed my neck and I wanted to crawl inside of him . And then he said it . " I love you . I 've never felt like this before . " I said , " You 've been so special to me since we first met . " Jeff looked into my eyes and said , " Be my girl ? " I searched his face to see if he was serious . I said , " You want to go steady ? With me ? " When he said , yes , I couldn 't believe I could be so lucky . That moment my mother 's face appeared and I heard her words . " Under no circumstances are you allowed to go steady . " What was I going to do ? What could I say ? I wanted to be his girl more than anything in the world ! I whispered , " I can 't . " And then I started to cry . He smiled , slipped his heavy class ring off of his finger , and placed it on the third finger of my right hand . At that moment , I was so happy I could have burst . At that moment , I just wanted to be happy being Jeff 's girl . I smiled and he held me again . I 'd worry about the fallout tomorrow . He whispered , " I adore , you baby . I 'm so happy you said yes . " We kissed again and again , until I felt the strong pressure of his tongue trying to pry open my mouth . I kept my teeth clenched . He pulled back and whispered , " What 's wrong ? " I couldn 't tell him I had no idea what he was tying to do , and I certainly didn 't want him to think I was some stupid kid . I whispered , " I 've never kissed like this before . " He relaxed back into the seat , took a deep breath and asked , " You love me , don 't you ? " The next time he kissed me it was softer , and I opened my mouth and let his tongue in . As our tongues danced , my entire body ignited . It was exhilarating , but at the same time my feelings frightened me . He stirred something in my I don 't really understand . I wish I could explain it . I liked it , but I still pulled away . What 's wrong with me ? I said , " I love you so much , Jeff . But I can 't . . . " Then he said , " Can 't what ? We 've necked lots of times . When I 'm with you , you drive me crazy ! " He looked out the window . I was torn in half . I wanted him so much , Diary . But I guess deep down I wasn 't ready , and his reaction broke my heart . He opened the car door and got out . He walked around for awhile and kicked the tires on the car . When he got back into the car , I told him I was sorry . He said he was the one who needed to be sorry . He got carried away and then added , " Let 's just forget this happened , okay ? " How could I forget ? For the first time in my life , I truly loved someone , but was too afraid to let him see how I really felt . We drove home in silence . He kept both hands on the wheel all the way home . I was so glad my parents weren 't up when Jeff walked me to the front porch . " Do you want your ring back ? " He smiled and said , " No . I want you to be my girl . Listen Beth , I 'm so sorry about tonight . I didn 't mean to push you or hurt you . " He kissed me gently . " I 'll call you in a couple of days . I promise . " Then he kissed me again . I flashed his class ring that was still on my finger . " I 'm yours forever , Jeff . I do love you so . " I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him . Then I went into the house and watched him from the front window . I was so proud he was my guy . He was so self - confident and strong - I adored that about him . I took it from my finger and held it to my heart . How I want to wear it around my neck on a gold chain , and show everybody we 're together . But I know that 's impossible . I have to hide my feelings as well as the ring . I dressed early and went to church after a sleepless night . I thought maybe God might have some answers for me , but if He did , I never heard them . As I sat in the quiet sanctuary , my mind wandered to last night . Should I confess my deception in the name of love ? I love Jeff . I know I do . I 've never felt this way about anyone , not even Tommy . I never kissed him like I 've kissed Jeff . Why is a French kiss wrong ? It 's OK to have tingling feelings when you love someone , right ? If I do tell the priest , he 'd probably say I 'm a sinner , and I should say ten " Hail Mary 's " as a penance . What good would that do ? When I got home from church , my mother cornered me . She commanded me to sit down like a dog , and then told me that she had a big problem with my relationship with Jeff . She said she felt I was getting much too serious about him for a " girl of my age . " She said I was getting in " over my head . " Then she went on about our dates . She said Jeff should be taking me to nice places instead of having picnics and going to places that didn 't cost anything . I explained that he was saving for college . She said I needed to open my eyes and see Jeff for what he was - a guy who was " on the make . " He wanted one thing . She said his body language , gestures , tone of voice and especially the way he looks at me says he won 't be satisfied until he " spoils me . " Finally , she said she watched us necking in the car in front of the house and called me a cheap tramp . As she went on , every word struck like she was physically hitting me and all I could do was sit there and take it . Even though it hurt , I refused to cry . When she saw her brow beating was bouncing off of me , she took a deep breath and her tone got gentler . " I used to date somebody like Jeff , and one night , he tried to rape her . Finally , I couldn 't take it any more and I shouted , " Jeff would never do anything like that ! You haven 't even given him a chance . Because he 's older than me , you think the worst of him and of me . Don 't you trust me ? " She said that she didn 't trust him . I shouted at her , " Why do you hate me ? I work all week like a slave , and when I find a little happiness , you want to take it away from me ! " Her retort was to slap me . Hard . I saw the room spin . Then she yelled at me to go to my room like I was some little kid . I ran down the hall , flopped on my bed and cried until I used up all of my tears . Why does she have to make everything so hard for me ? Why can 't she listen ? Why doesn 't she care about how I feel ? Why doesn 't she see how things really are instead of the way they might look ? Now I know I can never tell her the truth about going steady with Jeff . My body ached , and the only way I could recover from my tears was to picture myself in Jeff 's arms . Oh , Diary , what am I going to do ? I was so glad when my mother left for work and my father went off to the gym for his " heart class . " I don 't want any more confrontation . I 'm worn out . God I 've missed Deb . She 's been on vacation for the last week with her family , but today she was supposed to be home . When she 's not around , I feel like I 've lost the other half of my soul . I called this morning , and she was at the orthodontist , so I buried myself in scrubbing the kitchen floor . When Dad came home around 2 p . m . he said I could go out until supper time . I think he feels sorry for me . I thanked him with a hug and ran all the way to Deb 's house . Deb said she spent the week reading Love Story because their family vacation was geared to her younger cousins , and she was bored silly . When I pulled Jeff 's ring from my pocket , she stared in disbelief . " Really ? " She hugged me and swore to keep my secret . Then I told her about the fight with Mom . I told her that my mother hated him and thought all he wanted was sex . I told Deb I loved Jeff and she said , " No Kidding ! Anybody can see that . " Bob , Deb , Jeff and I went to the County Fair today . The only reason my parents let me go was because Bob and Deb were going , too . I guess they figured that we wouldn 't " make out " in front of our friends . My parents have kept us apart for almost a month , so as you might imagine , Jeff and I were elated to be together . Bob drove , so we had the back seat to ourselves . Jeff held me all the way to the fair , and we talked softly . Our conversation was about how much we missed each other and how happy we were to be together again . The four of us had a blast going on the carnival rides . I just loved it when we stopped at the top of the double Ferris wheel and could look out over the whole fair ! Jeff held on for dear life and confessed that he hated heights . When I told he should have said something , he confessed he didn 't want me to think he was a wimp . We had a hot dog and soda for lunch on an old wooden picnic table . Poor Bob got a sliver in his leg and had to go to the nurse 's station to get it removed . The crowning event of the day was when Jeff won a stuffed bear for me by knocking down some bowling pins with a softball . The gray koala bear is so cute . I love to squeeze his fat , soft tummy . The only problem with winning the bear was lugging it around for the rest of the day ! We learned Minnie Pearl was headlining a free grandstand show at 7 p . m . We all agreed to stay , even though it would make us late getting home . I knew I 'd probably be grounded for at least a week - but what would really change ? I was already imprisoned with housework and babysitting . For me , the decision was easy . After all , when would I ever get to see such a famous comedian again ? It was ten o ' clock when we left the fair . Jeff and I kissed cuddled all the way . We 'd been apart for so long that we couldn 't get enough of each other . When he tried to French kiss me again , I just enjoyed it . I knew I was a sinner for enjoying his kiss so much , but I couldn 't help myself . His hands rubbed my back as his tongue pushed deeper . He drove me crazy and my back arched . What I felt for him frightened me because I knew I could so easily lose myself in him . I pulled away . But this time , he didn 't get angry . He just smiled and held me close as we rode home . When we arrived home at 11 p . m . , my parents were livid . My Dad said he considered calling the Sheriff Department to track us down . When we tried to explain , my mother told me to " Shut up . " My father put all the blame on Jeff because he was the oldest and responsible for me . Jeff tried to say he was sorry for making a bad decision , but my father wouldn 't let him . He said he didn 't want to hear his lames excuses . Worst of all , Daddy said that he was disappointed in me . So , now I 'm on lock down for two weeks . At least I have the koala to hug . Nobody needs to know that I 'm pretending its Jeff . Tomorrow is the first day of school . Usually , I look forward to going to school and as a senior this year , I should be ecstatic . But I 'm not . Jeff is in college , and I 'm stuck in limbo . I don 't fit here any longer . Most of friends graduated last spring . Other friends say summer changed me - they say I 'm too serious and no fun . Only Deb understands . To make things worse , Jeff called tonight and said that it would be another week before we could see each other . He said he 'd been in a car accident , but I shouldn 't worry . He just had bumps and bruises , but his " Beast " ended up in a ditch and was pretty banged up . It would take a week to get her fixed . When I asked him what happened , he started by saying , " Don 't worry , baby , I was out drink . . . " then he stopped for a second and said , " I mean I was out with a couple of guys and this drunk ran us off the road . " Ashamed ? Never . He was the best thing that ever happened to me . I loved being in love with him . When my mother walked into the room , I said , " I have to go . " The last thing he said was , " I love you . " I said , " I know . " Then I hung up . One word describes today - Perfect . It was sunny , warm , blue sky and Jeff was here . We celebrated by going on our last picnic for the year . We lay on a blanket under a huge pine tree , had our lunch and then laid beside each other talking about the college and high school and how we wished we could be going to school together . He said he had gotten his education deferment and he wouldn 't be drafted . I couldn 't stand it if he had to go to Vietnam . I told him about the fights with my parents , and he was very hurt and disappointed he couldn 't seem to live up to their standards . I saw real pain in his eyes because we are still keeping our commitment a secret . The warmth of the fall day and Jeff 's affection made me feel alive after being dead for three weeks in my " real " life . We held each other and vowed that we wouldn 't let my parents pull us apart . No matter what . Well , the " shit " hit the fan today . There 's no other way to say it . As soon as I opened the back door , I knew I was in for a battle . I could feel my mother 's anger brewing the second I stepped into the kitchen . Like a dog , she commanded me to sit . She rolled Jeff 's ring across the kitchen table in my direction . " Explain this to me , young lady . " I gulped . But before I could answer , she screamed , " I knew something was up ! You deliberately defied me ! " I jumped when she screamed , " Say something ! " Naturally . I always kept my baby sister 's barrettes in my jewelry box . Then I yelled , " Yes , I 'm going steady with Jeff . I confess . I don 't want to date anyone else . I love him . " I was shocked . " Just because Jeff 's not your choice , doesn 't mean he 's not mine . I wanted to tell you , but you never listen . " As soon as the last word was out of my mouth , she slapped me across the face harder than she ever had . She screamed . " I will not have that boy turn you into a tramp ! He 's already got you lying to your parents . I 'm going to tell you what you 're going to do . You 're going to give him his ring back and tell him you can 't see him any more . " Then she said , " This relationship is all wrong and you know it . French kissing ? No decent boy kisses a girl that way . And no daughter of mine is going to end up pregnant at 17 ! " She towered over me with her hands on her hips . " I 'll do whatever I please to know what 's going on with you . You don 't talk to me , so if I have to read your precious little diary , I 'll do it . I 'll be damned if someone like Jeff is going to shame this family . " And there it was . She was more concerned about appearances than she was for me . I couldn 't hold back the tears back any longer . How could my own mother betray me like this ? She had me convicted without a trial . How could she think such things about me ? I am a " good girl , " but where does it get me ? Maybe Jeff and I should make love , especially if I 'm going to be accused of it . After she finished her lecture , she commanded me to go to my room . I scowled at her and grabbed my jacket . I bolted out the back door . I heard her scream , " Get back here , young lady ! Wait until your father gets home . " With tears streaming down my face , I ran to Deb 's house as fast as I could . By the time I got there , I was out of breath , my side ached and my face was red and swollen . Deb 's mom took one look at me and said , " Beth are you alright ? " I nodded . " Debbie 's upstairs , sweetie . " I told my best friend everything ; she listened and didn 't say a word . " I don 't want to give Jeff his ring back , Deb , I love him . I want to be his girl . He makes me happy . " When I told her that my mother thought I was fucking Jeff , Deb couldn 't believe it . I said , " I don 't want to ever go home , again , Deb . I spent my whole summer like a slave because I know Dad 's heart attack has made life hard for everybody ; but my mother spoils everything ! Can I please stay here ? " " Of course . My parents love you as much as me . You just take a couple of deep breaths , and I 'll tell my mom what 's going on . " While Deb was downstairs , I went into the bathroom , washed my face and combed my hair . The cold water soothed my bruised cheek . Deb came upstairs with an ice pack and the good news that I could stay for dinner . I helped Mrs . J set the table and thanked her . She just put her arm around me and said whatever was wrong would be all right . Why do adults do that ? Assume everything is be okay when it never will be ? When I got home , my parents were waiting for me . I knew I had to say something , so I looked at my father and said , " I didn 't mean to break the rules , Daddy . I just followed my heart , and if that 's wrong and makes me evil , then I guess I am . " I took a deep breath and said , " I didn 't do anything wrong with Jeff no matter what Mom thinks . I just wish you could see him the way I do . " Before either of them could say anything , I ran down the hallway to my room and slammed the door . Diary , I keep hoping you can help me sort out my feelings . I 'm not a bad girl . My mother says I don 't talk to her . And she 's right . I don 't trust her . How dare she read you ! She 's more interested in her reputation than she is in me . Mom , if you 're reading this - enjoy . Today was dull . Too much school work and no fun . Whoever said high school was the best time of life must have been drunk . Because if this is the best , kill me now . After school , Deb said she was very worried about me . She said she would call Jeff and tell him what happened . I gave her a hug and thanked her . The doorbell rang around five o ' clock tonight and to everyone 's surprise , it was Jeff . He apologized to my father for not calling first , but asked whether he could see me and take me out for a hamburger . To my surprise , Dad said it was fine . Jeff took my hand , and we walked to the car . I slid beside him and cuddled next to him . He started the car and kept his hand on my knee as he drove . I rested my head on his shoulder and a silent tear escaped . He finally said , " I 'm worried about you , Beth . " After stopping at the A & W , we went to the beach where the crescent moon gave a sliver of light . At least Jeff couldn 't see the ugly bruise on my cheek . We I took his ring out of my purse and put it in his hand . He said , " What 's this ? You 're breaking up with me ? " I started to cry . " No - that 's not it at all . I love you more than ever , but I have to give your ring back to you . My mother found it - " My tears turned to choking sobs . My mother had won . She was the puppet master and I was the puppet . He put his arm around me and let me cry . In a soothing voice he said , " I know . Deb told me everything . " After a few minutes said , " Baby , why do they hate me ? We never did anything wrong ! " I shook my head . " I don 't know . They always believe the worst of me . It doesn 't matter what I say , or what I do . I told them I love you , Jeff . It didn 't matter to them . I still have to give the ring back . This is hardest thing that I 've ever done . Sometimes I don 't think my parents want me to be happy . They just keep me around for babysitting and housework . " He kissed me sweetly . " Please don 't cry , Beth . It makes me so sad when you cry . " I buried my head in his cardigan sweater , and he kissed the top of my head . I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed close to him . I whispered , " Let 's run away . " He kissed me and said , " You make me crazy , girl . I love you so much . " Then he gently pushed me away gently and said , " As much as I want to run away with you , we both know we can 't . You have to finish high school , and think about it . Where would we go ? When we go away together , it will be the right way . It won 't be secret . We 'll be married and have nothing to be ashamed of , okay ? " Jeff put his arm around me as we drove home , but even his warm touch couldn 't cure the numbness that had overcome me . He walked me to the front door , embraced me , tipped my chin and we gazed into each other 's soul . Then it happened . He kissed me , and at that instant I knew his goodnight kiss was a goodbye kiss . This will be the last time I speak with you . It 's nothing you did . You 've always been there for me , but I don 't want to talk any more . After my mother read you , I can 't pretend that you can keep my secrets any longer . My parents expect me to be happy because I 'm 17 , but I can 't . As I see it , my life here is over . I 'm leaving . Living with my parents will always be a prison , and I have to break out . But how do I do that ? Do I get on a bus ? And what direction do I go ? Jeff said , running away is not the answer . Maybe he 's right , but I don 't see any other way . I can 't cry any more . I can 't fight any more . I 'm tired . I 'm weary of being accused of deeds I haven 't done . Jeff is lost to me because my parents drove him away . Tell Debbie that I will miss her more than anything , but assure her that somehow I 'll find her again somehow . She 's my best friend , and she knows the truth . I don 't know what I will do without her because she 's always been there for me in every way . I love her - tell her that . Debbie 's eyes were wet as she closed the diary and laid it on her night table . She felt comfort knowing her friendship with Beth had been a source of strength for her best friend . But even Debbie never realized just how distraught Beth really had been . Deep down she felt like she had failed her friend , but after reading the diary , she knew better . Beth had sent the diary to release Deb from any guilt and show her how much their friendship truly meant . This entry was posted on December 2 , 2012 , in The Short Story and tagged 1960s , dreaming , first love , friendship , imagination , teenage love , tragedy . Bookmark the permalink . 6 Comments 6 thoughts on " In the Name of Love " May Your Soul Stir says : December 2 , 2012 at 4 : 08 pm That was good … gut wrenching actually . I 'm not usually one for reading long stories , but it kept my attention . It also invoked memories of my first love and my parents ire for him . Reply mcwoman says : December 2 , 2012 at 9 : 33 pm Thanks so much for your comment . It means the world to me when someone takes the time to make a comment - and I 'm especially happy I could hold your attention . In these times , when people are interested in bullet points and short clips , I think that 's a high compliment . Reply sofundamental says : December 3 , 2012 at 6 : 43 am I agre with you both . It definitely held my attention , transported me back in time , and invoked forgotten feelings . I 'm also with you in that a compliment after such a long post in the scroll - through world is a huge compliment though well deserved . Reply insearchofitall says : December 3 , 2012 at 10 : 46 pm I couldn 't stop reading even though I knew it was going to end badly . I always hope for a happy ending . I know that story well . Reply mcwoman says : December 4 , 2012 at 2 : 56 pm I am always to grateful when someone tells me they " can 't stop reading " my books and stories . Thanks so much for taking the time to comment . I am a humble servant to my readers . 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" Had a cousin of mine , who my aunt and uncle adopted from drug addicts , chase me around his house with a kitchen knife trying to slit my throat . His dad tackled and subdued him . I was around 12 or 13 at the time and I guess he was 16 or so . I just remember hyperventilating and the absolute panic i felt while my aunt drove me home . He later that year beat and strangled to death an 8 year old in a construction site . He ended up confessing sometime later after the guilt got to him . He got out of prison this year and sent me a facebook friend request . . . gonna pass on that , thanks " ( Source ) . " This happened actually about two months ago . I was at my friends wedding and when it was over , my friends and I decided to go have a couple drinks at the bar in the hotel . A couple that was in their late 30s , who were family friends of the bride and groom , asked to tag along . Well I 'm standing outside of the hotel with my wife , my best friends wife , that couple , and the woman 's 26 year old brother and we 're waiting for my best friend to come out of the bathroom . The the guy starts saying he wants to leave now but I say we 're waiting for my friend to which he starts mouthing of saying my brother ( who recently died ) would be disappointed in me and such . I knew he was drunk so I took no offense to it which made him more mad . Mad enough to start pushing me , so I push him off of me and he stumbles into his wife and knocks her down . Then the 26 year old hits me in the face with a glass mug from the wedding and knocks me out and the three then proceed to stomp me out and jump me . The man then picks up a huge planter pot and smashes it on my head . Luckily he was so drunk that he stumbled when he picked it up and the pot missed my head by about 2 inches and I walked away with only a big gash on my forehead from the mug . Both guys are on trial for attempted murder now " ( Source ) . " When I was eight , my father shot me in my sleep , shot and killed my brother in his sleep , and committed suicide . I lost all of my sight , my left eye , and my sense of smell . I survived the shot because the bullet entered from my right temple and exited out my left , instead of enter from the back of my head or my forehead . The bullet lodged into my left hand because my head was resting on my hand when I was sleeping " ( Source ) . " When I was a kid , my neighbors were this sweet old couple , and occasionally their grandkids - five boys - would come to visit . The oldest , Liam , was my age and had severe behavioral problems . All his younger brothers were terrified of him , and I hated his guts , but I still had to hang out with him . One time , we were playing in an inflatable pool in my backyard , Liam , my sister and I being the oldest ones there - no adults were around . Well , Liam wouldn 't stop picking on his poor brothers , so I pantsed him . Everyone laughed . He did not take it well . When I turned around , he ran up behind me and shoved my head underwater and held me under for about two minutes while I struggled . I could see his brothers ' legs around me but none of them moved , that 's how petrified they were of him . I thought it was over . I was starting to black out when I began to hear a SWOOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH noise and then suddenly I was free , flat on my back and coughing up water . My sister had waded over as fast as she could and punched him in the face so hard she broke his nose " ( Source ) . " I was stabbed in the stomach during a bar fight and I passed out from blood loss . When I came to I was in the hospital , the surgeon who patched me up let me know that had I not been stabbed I could have died from my appendix bursting . Apparently without realizing it , my appendix was perforated ( and not related to the stab wound ) . What I thought was just some cramps was actually a life threatening time bomb , and thanks to being almost stabbed to death I got to live " ( Source ) . " Driving through rural Oregon with a couple of buddies on Spring Break , on a stretch of highway with one lane in each direction , we were stuck in a line of cars behind a woman who was driving a little slowly . We hit a stretch where passing was allowed so I moved over and sped up so I could get around her . She sped up too . I was driving a Civic with three big guys in the car so I couldn 't beat her . OK , I thought , be that way . I slowed back down to get back behind her . She slowed down too . She wasn 't going to let me back in . The passing lane was coming to an end and I was starting to get a little nervous . I tried to catch her eye to indicate that she had to let me in and realized she was staring at me , smiling . I looked forward and realized a semi was coming straight towards me . I jerked left , onto the shoulder of the oncoming lane , and missed the semi by a few feet . The cars behind the psycho had seen the whole thing and let me in between them , and she exited shortly after trying to kill me . I only drive fast cars now and when I pass people I try to do it before they notice I 'm doing it " ( Source ) . " I delivered a pizza to a house just outside of the city . On the way back , I stopped to help a car that pulled over in front of me with their hazard lights on . I pulled up beside them and thought it was weird that nobody rolled down a window or made any kind of contact with me for around 15 seconds . The passenger then jumped out of his side of the car yelling that they needed help as he made his way toward my car . I thought something was weird about this . As I started to pull away before he could get to my passenger door , he began shooting at me . I ducked my head after the first shot entered through the back window and embedded in my passenger seat headrest . Another shot entered through the rear window , while the other 3 only hit the outside metal parts of my car , he missed all together with another shot . Turns out it was a plot to rob me , the pizza was ordered and the guys were stationed down the road to intercept me . They knew who I was and they knew that I would be able to recognize them , as I had delivered a few orders to them before . The guy wasn 't wearing anything to cover his identity , which leads me to believe that he would have shot and killed me if he would have made it inside my car . By the next morning , the had arrested all of them . The shooter was found guilty of attempted murder and sentenced to 40 years in prison . He later appealed that sentencing because there was a word wrong in the jury instructions , he won the appeal and ended up being sentenced to 10 years , and was released November of 2010 after 5 years . The remaining 5 years were to be served as parole / probation . He was arrested twice for parole / probation violation when he was only a couple months away from total freedom . I laughed " ( Source ) . " I was riding my bike home one night and was stopped at a light in the bike lane . BAM ! A pickup truck hits me from the back side ; he 'd swerved into the bike lane while slowing for the light . Luckily he wasn 't going very fast and only knocked me over . I started yelling at him through his open windows but he pretended to ignore me , so I leaned in through the window to get his attention . He tried to punch me but I pulled back . Then he started to get out of the car to come fight me but changed his mind . At that point I decided to get his license plate number so I walked out into the crosswalk to get a look . When he saw me he gunned the truck and swerved to try to run me over . Then he continued on through the red light . Cops found him near his home , got him for drunk driving and assault with a deadly weapon . He just got sentenced to 7 years in state prison " ( Source ) . " I lived in this duplex years ago with one of my coworkers . Our place of employment hired this new guy who clearly had some issues , but seemed like he was really trying . The new guy , Shawn , had been in and out of rehab and halfway houses for drug charges , but he was living in his brother 's garage and picking up as many shifts at work as he could to try and earn enough money to get his own place . Winter came around , and Shawn was living in this unheated , uninsulated garage . My coworker / roommate talked about it and decided to invite him to stay on our couch under the condition that he stay clean and he keep saving for a new place . Shawn gratefully accepted , moved in , and things went well for several months . But then Shawn started slipping , missing shifts at work , disappearing for days on end , all while becoming much more aggressive . Our suspicions were confirmed when one day my roommate walked in on Shawn smoking meth on the living room floor . We promptly told Shawn to gather his things and move out . A few weeks later , at about 1am I awake to someone pounding on the front door . I groggily get up and go answer it , and there is Shawn , high as a kite and screaming . I quickly latched the outside wooden screen door , and tried to talk Shawn into leaving before I called the cops . After a few minutes without making any headway , I tell Shawn I am going to call the police , and start shutting the inside door . Shawn bursts through the wooden screen door like it isn 't even there , which knocks me backwards over the arm of the couch . I land on the seating portion of the couch on my back , and Shawn is on top of me , with both hands around my throat . I swung and hit him in the head and face as hard as I could , but he was a big guy and was so high that it didn 't faze him . If anything , it tightened his grip around my throat . I quickly realized that I couldn 't get him off me , so I kind of quit struggling and resigned myself to my fate . My vision started to get blurry around the edges and sounds started getting muffled . At first I felt Source " Not me but my cousin . . . He was waiting for a train in a not very nice area . Young kid about 16 - 17 walks up to him and asks if he can use my cousins phone quick to call his mom . Cousin says sure and hands him the phone . After about 3 seconds it was obvious the kid didn 't need it to call his mother . He then says ' this is mine now ' and starts to walk away . Cousin attacked the kid and started to fight for the phone . Cousin tackles the kid and they start rolling around fighting . My told cousin told me he remembered thinking ' holy sh - t this kid hits hard ' . Turns out the kid was stabbing him as they were wrestling . 9 stabs wounds to the head neck upper back area later my cousin almost bleeds out on the train platform . Someone calls 911 ambulance comes and saves him . The phone and kid were both found by police " ( Source ) . " When I had turned 18 I was out with a couple of friends and we decided to walk to a local shop to pick up some food before heading back to my friend 's house to stay the night and play some Halo . On our way back to my friends house we were walking along a road which we had walked countless amounts of times and were only a couple of minutes from reaching his house . I should note at this point I had offered to carry my friend 's bag with several cans of spray paint in it as he was complaining of getting a back ache . I remember getting a distinct feeling of uneasiness and one of my friends shouting ' RUN ! ' . It was at this point that I looked over my shoulder to see what we were running from , saw two men and a dog running towards us from behind ( not the greatest idea I 've ever had ) and began to run myself . I had only gotten to run for a few paces and felt a blow to the back of the head with something that made a wooden sound when it connected . I kept trying to move as one of the two men continued to hit me with what I can only assume was a small bat or broken pool cue , and saw the other man run past me after my two friends who had managed to get a head start . After taking a good few blows to the head and shoulders I fell on the ground and after a couple of swift kicks the guy ran off after the dog they had with them . I was still conscious at this point and completely pumped with adrenalin , so I jumped to my feet thinking ' I 'm still conscious , where the hell are my friends ? ' and ran a few meters up the road to a gateway at the back of a school and saw my best friend lying face down on the ground . It didn 't register for a couple of seconds but the other man who had chased my two friends ( one of whom got over a fence and into the aforementioned school to safety ) was standing with his face covered just staring coldly at me . He then moved towards me and hit me hard in the chest ( with what i thought was a bottle in an attempt to break my ribs ) and grabbed me with his other hand to pull me closer . He started reaching round meSource " A guy that worked at my school in the campus cafe used to hang out with the same crowd as me in college . He was an older guy that liked to hook up with the freshman on campus because they were young and naive . A lot of people in our group of friends were pairing up and I was still not over my ex . Never led the dude on in the slightest . A few different guys in our group had asked me out and I 'd turned them all down , but had a one night stand with a mutual friend , but made it clear that 's all it was . He asked me out ( being the last in our group of ' friends ' to do so ) and I turned him down , giving him the same reasons I gave the rest of them . After numerous phone calls of him trying to get me to say yes , he showed up at my door with a mutual friend ( not the guy I slept with , but someone I had trusted ) . I let them in , being stupid and 18 . We hung out for a bit and our friend made an excuse to leave , saying he 'd come back . This guy started grilling me about why I wouldn 't go out with him , that I owed it to him since I 'd slept with our other friend and it wasn 't fair that I wouldn 't sleep with him . He went on to explain that our mutual male friends had all placed bets on who would finally get to date me since I was the youngest in our group and that he thought it was disrespectful that I would send him home without the opportunity to at least f - - k me . It escalated into me running to my room trying to lock myself in to call the cops , but he burst and pinned me to my bed , screaming in my face pretty much incoherent at this point . Not sure how long that lasted , but I managed to get away , don 't even remember how , and got into the bathroom , but not before he slammed my head into my headboard repeatedly , busting open a large portion of my face and hurting my neck really badly . I lost my phone in the scuffle . Our friend came back at some point while I was locked in the bathroom and found him kicking the door and yelling for me to let him in . Friend got him to leave . When I reported it the school , they took action , but let hiSource " I 'm not sure if this counts exactly since the person wasn 't trying to specifically kill me . . . but when I used to work at Starbucks , a guy was trying to kill his ex girlfriend by causing a gas leak at our location with all of us still working there . Our shift supervisor smelled the gas and had us evacuate while calling the fire department . I remember thinking ' wow , I could have died over some stupid high school drama ' . Made me realize that every time something bad happens to me , I shouldn 't overreact to the point where it inconveniences others like I 'm the only person with problems to deal with . Don 't want to be like that guy " ( Source ) . " My older sister had issues . She still has them now but she also lives 500 miles away and doesn 't talk to me . When I was like 11 and she was 13 we shared a room . She had run away a few times by then and generally kept saying she was going to do it to get stuff from our grandma . So we go to bed . I was coming down with a head cold so had general nose problems . She kept yelling at me and throwing stuff after i fell asleep telling me to stop snoring . This happened a few times and i kept telling her I couldn 't not snore so she would have to deal with it . One time i doze off and I wake up with her straddling my body with my arms pinned to my sides with her hands around my throat . I started making as much noise as possible and knocked her off of when . Then my mom walks in , and proceeds to yell at me for making noise . I tell her what happens and she sat down with my older sister telling her that she isn 't allowed to do that , and she will go to jail , and she is so lucky my mom is so nice . Meanwhile I 'm sitting on the edge of my bed hardly breathing without pain . Then I started having more trouble breathing . My mom just looked at me and told me to stop being dramatic because my older sister was already getting in trouble . I was probably having my first anxiety attack . Also not the first or last time she tried to kill me " ( Source ) . " I have this mate from the States , older gent , owns a company that goes around putting change in vending machines or whatever . Anywho , his childhood friend co - owned the company with him , things were apparently really good . As it would appear , his friend was a jealous , greedy cunt , wanted to own the company all by his lonesome . The ' friend ' calls up my mate , asks him to help in fiddling with his car . Now my mate is a very kind guy , goes above and beyond to help a brother , gets over to his house with his toolkit and smile on his face as I can imagine although the devious little sh - t rigged the car up so the exhaust would pour into the car and suffocate him . The bloke knocks him out cold , chucks him in the car with it on and goes to watch telly or something . Old mate wakes up , squirms out of the car and escapes . His mate eventually gets up to check out his dirty deed and sees him disappeared , and proceeds to send him a text a long the lines of ' you should be asleep in the car . . . ' . By this time he has already made it to the police station . What 's freakier is , this obvious attempt at homecide re - jogged his memory of a month of two prior where he went to help his buddy mow his lawn where a ' freak accident ' cause a large piece of shrapnel to slice his cheek - coincidence ? Who knows . Needless to say , my mate owns the entire company now . Really great guy , isn 't the first time some cunt tried to off him though " ( Source ) . " When I was a newborn my biological father tried to kill me by choking me . It happened in my grandmothers kitchen and my mom bopped him over the head wth a frying pan and stabbed him with one of those hot dog pokers you use on the grill . He 's always been a real big piece of sh - t . No he 's not dead unfortunately , yes this really happened among some other crazier sh - t . My mom was arrested but released for the stabbing . He started to stalk her after she left him and my step - dad actually shot him when he broke into our house a few years later . He 's now living in LA on Skid Row so I don 't see him anymore , actually haven 't seen him since I was a toddler . Oh and forgot to add , he tried to kill me because he thought I was not his child , he thought my mom cheated on him " ( Source ) . " I can contribute something ! When I was 17 , I had a 22 y / o boyfriend who I dated near the time I finished my secondary school education . He was genuinely amazing and I thought he was perfect as every naive young girl does , my friends warned me saying he was manipulative and abusive but I brushed it off assuming they were jealous . But I started noticing things , and I wouldn 't give him his way , we started fighting more and more . One night we were relaxing and watching my favorite movie in my room ( Robots I think it was called ) , anyway my boyfriend starts trying to pressure me into giving him oral . I tried pulling away but he was holding my had down into his lap , that 's when I started shouting and screaming . He grabbed my neck and threw me to the floor and began kicking me , at this point I was completely dazed and in shock so I couldn 't defend myself . After what seemed like ages I finally screamed stop , he grabbed my hair and dragged me to my balcony where he tried shoving me over the guard rail . I was fighting but I 'm really small so I don 't have much strength . Suddenly something grabs me and at the same time I see my boyfriend fly headfirst over the rails . Turns out my neighbor got home early and noticed the situation unfold , he ran broke through the front door and upstairs to my room , then tossed my boyfriend over the rails and grabbed me stop me falling . Police and ambulance were called , boyfriend was taken to hospital and charged with assault and attempted GBH . Luckily my family has cameras on the balconies and porch to catch thieves so they caught almost everything that occurred . My neighbor didn 't get charged as he acted in my defense . That was about 3 years ago , neighbor and I are close friends and boyfriend is still in prison . I realize I really should call him my ex but it seems odd in the story " ( Source ) . " Not really sure if its attempted murder but a motherf - - ker in the Bahamas mugged me and then tried to stab me after I handed over my wallet and phone . I swatted at his hand with the goodie bag I had from the party and f - - king booked it while he tried to pull the knife out . I assume it must have gotten stuck on the sh - t inside . Anyways , in my terror , I leapt down a block of stairs I really didn 't think I 'd clear . Second later I hear skidding shoes on concrete , a swear and a crack . I look over my shoulder and the f - - ker 's sprawled on the ground , probably unconscious . I give this cackling laugh and keep f - - king running until I get somewhere that 's got a phone and call the police . They show up like half an hour later , go find the guy who 's still unconscious , with a little pool of blood around his head and basically just piss themselves laughing at this guy 's incompetence . I kinda joined in , but holy sh - t that could have been me , with extra knife in my back . Got my wallet and phone back eventually , with the cash missing . F - - king Bahamas " ( Source ) . " This probably won 't be as exciting as some other stories , and I don 't even know if you 'd call it attempted murder . About 10 years ago when I was 16 my brother ( at the time 21 ) moved back into my parents home due various drug related issues . At the time that was about the extent of my knowledge of the situation , but I 'd later learned that my older brother was acting as a small time dealer and had gotten into some trouble with some sort of gang by not moving product fast enough . He also happened to have been a user of various drugs including meth ( again at the time all I knew was ' drug issues ' ) . Now to be fair when he moved back into my parents place he quit using everything with exception of pot . However the usage of drugs does in fact mess with you brain , and there are effects that can linger . I guess what I 'm getting at is that brothers mental health wasn 't exactly in outstanding condition . On this particular day my brother came home from working a job , and was behaving a bit strange . It 's hard to recall all the details , but the one thing that comes to mind is him slamming a pot of water onto the stove , throwing in some noodles , turning on the wrong burner , and walking away . It was almost like he was sleep walking , but at the same time I knew he wasn 't . Being the passive / timid person I am I sort of just let him do his thing ( correcting the pot / burner issue ) and went back to playing on the computer . A few minutes later I was interrupted when my brother attempted to rip the computer out of the wall and , I presume , attempt to smash it . I physically stopped him and an argument of sorts followed . Apparently the computer was evil and was corrupting me . I , an introverted 16 year old gamer , did not like this accusation that fell along similar lines I 've been hearing for years by certain groups of people . Especially from the brother who was also formerly a gamer , and had so drastically changed from the person I had known and respected just a few years prior . He began throwing many things at me including chairs , dishes , Source " Not really attempted murder , but scary as f - - k . When I was 15 my dad was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder . By the time I was 25 , he was doing mostly well . He would have maybe one episode a year , usually because he was also a recovering alcoholic and when he would relapse the alcohol would render his meds ineffective . When he was sober , he was the same wonderful father I grew up with . I was living with my parents while finishing my masters . This night my mom was away on business so it was just dad and me . Dad and I talked late into the night and he said something that made me really uncomfortable . He said there was a personality with him lately that thinks horrible evil things , things he could never say to anyone . I 'm just thinking . . . I don 't want to know and make a mental note to tell mom later . It 's not good if all his personalities aren 't integrated , worse if one is evil . I go through the bedtime routine at this stage . When I came out of the shower all the lights were out so I thought dad had gone to bed . I sat down at my desk to shut down my computer when suddenly my desk chair was pushed from behind and rolled forward fast , pinning me between the chair and desk . It was my dad , I could hear him breathing but he wasn 't saying anything . I held at him to get off , that it really hurts . I 'm 5 ' 5 and was only 120 lbs at the time so there was no pushing him off me . I guess my yelling got through to my real dad for a second because he said ' huh ? ' and I heard him drop something heavy onto the floor . Then he stopped putting pressure on the chair and said my name like a question . I somehow got out of the chair and bolted past him . There was a huge knife on the floor behind him . I jumped over it and just ran out the door and into the street where I called 911 . We only lived 3 blocks from the police so it was not even 2 minutes later and they were with me . They said they found dad in his bedroom with an exacto knife trying to cut at his wrists . The last thing he remembers is from that morning " ( Source ) . " I dated the quarterback in high school . My parents hated him , but their hatred fueled me to overlook red flags and really push to make things work . . . . to prove them wrong . I was 17 . Anyway , flash forward to 19 I 'm still dating the douche . I had been pushed around , had bruises left on me , lots of little sh - t had happened but I never told anyone . He was always terribly sorry and made it out to be my fault . I was young and he totally manipulated me because he had a weird hold over me since he took my virginity . I was going to college and living in my own house alone . I had experienced life outside my crazy small town and something in me snapped after a day of abuse . I was f - - king done . It was late November and he had just purchased me a Christmas tree . When I called to finally break up with him , he was pissed off and told me he just wanted his Christmas tree . Fine . I left it on my front porch and went to a friend 's house . I had a really terrible feeling and needed to not be home . I started getting a plethora of phone calls and texts from him . They started off begging me to talk , then when I didn 't respond he left me voice mails telling me his mother had a heart attack and he needed me . We lived a couple hours from our hometown and he started timing his calls with what town he 'd be at if he were actually driving . ' I 'm not anywhere near you . I just passed [ name of town ] and I 'm so scared about my mom . Please call me . ' Then 15 minutes later when he 'd be passing another town I 'd get the same call . He kept saying he wasn 't anywhere near me . I ended up turning off my phone and staying at my friends house until 3 am . When I got home I was careful to drive around and make sure his car wasn 't around . I ran inside and got a call on my land line . ' Where have you been ? ' It was the absolute coldest I 've ever heard his voice . I told him not to call me and hung up . Two seconds later my door flew open and I was thrown against my counter . He was screaming , asking where I had been , who I was with , why was I ignoring him , etc . I startSource " When I was 17 , I took my HS girlfriend to winter dance . Before though , we went out to dinner in the city ( Dayton , OH ) . There is a nice Thai place we were going to , but I hadn 't really learned my way around ( and this was before pocket GPS ) . I ended up parking outside of the ' nice ' district a bit too far , because of traffic and no parking spots being open . We figured walking would just be faster . It was snowing , we were enjoying a conversation - but I noticed a man alter his trajectory slightly towards us . Background - I 've done Bujinkan Taijutsu since I was 14 ; I had learned situational awareness , and taken self defense / rape prevention courses . I 'm tall , but really skinny . I saw him coming but let myself not be 100 % ready . As we go to pass , sure enough the knife comes out . Buck knife . Doesn 't ask for money - he tells us to shut up and say nothing . He looks at my date , and gives a look that tells me this is not about money . I had to decide - do I wait another 5 seconds to see what he does , or do I be stupid and rush him ? So I decided . I rushed diagonally at him , and even with my hands up he got the blade into my guard and sliced the outside of my orbital socket . Date ran the opposite direction screaming for help . I take the chance to rush into his off - swing , and he hits my ribs with the butt of the handle . I can 't breathe , or see in my right eye - but I have his neck with my thumb on the trachea , and my right hand us barely holding his arm to me ( so he can 't get the knife loose ) . I apply as much raw force to his neck as my adrenaline fueled body can manage . I hear a small pop , and he fell a away fast . I hadn 't crushed it , but he was definitely feeling it . I took this time to fall back , but was so winded I could only manage about 50 feet . I 'm bleeding like a faucet from my right eye , and l was certain the eye was slashed . I slink away , and he didn 't follow . The police and my date found me on the sidewalk after some people ran out of an apartment to investigate . I have my eye , but only about 50 % of my vision . It lSource " Not my story , but that of a friend . He 's a very intelligent chap . Went to MIT . While he was there he started dating this girl going to Wellesley and , as these things happen , they eventually broke up . Was as typical as breakups can be until a couple of nights later when his new ex sneaks into his room , sits on his back while he is sleeping , and stabs him in the back 7 times with a pocketknife . Which , as I understand it , was a bit alarming . He starts defending himself , knocks the knife out of her hand . She pulls out another one . Rinse and repeat . At this point she just leaves , as she was likely running low on knives . He is , of course , freaking out , having just been stabbed and all . He calls 911 and while the paramedics are there working on his back before taking him to the hospital ( luckily it was a short blade ) the police are asking him what the f - - k was going on , where to find this girl , and what she looks like . He says he doesn 't know where she is currently , to which she replies , ' Here I am ' . She was in the hallway , still covered in blood , having come back with another knife . A couple days later she received a crossbow in the mail . I do believe she was later found not guilty on the premise of insanity . If any of you went to MIT , this is the story behind why MIT men are warned not to date Wellesley women " ( Source ) . " I was in my sophomore year of college at Temple University . A bunch of friends lived off of campus a couple blocks away while I still lived in the dorms . Temple is in North Philadelphia which is not a particularly nice area . All students tended to have an eye out for suspicious things and an armed robbery or mugging wasn 't an unusual thing to hear about . Anyway , I was walking off campus to my friends house , it was winter time so it was already dark out . I see a guy turn off of one street and start walking toward me on the same side of sidewalk I was on . As I walked past him he told me to stop . Figuring he wanted to sell me something , not an unusual thing up there , I said , ' Na , I 'm good man ' . He sternly replied , ' Motherf - - ker , I told you to stop ' . At this point I was already several feet past him and I turned to look at him thinking , wtf ? When I turn around I see he is holding a large revolver by his side and it is pointed at me . I stopped . He walked up to me and put the gun in my stomach and told me to give him the money I have . Thinking I only have about $ 20 on me , I made a mistake and pulled out my wallet . When he saw the wallet , he stuck the barrel underneath my chin , pushing my head up a bit . He then said , ' F - - k that , give me everything you got ' . I gave him my wallet ( which only had my I . D . , debit card , and $ 20 . . . broke college kid ) . I took at step back and said , ' That 's all I have man , I swear ' . He told me to turn around and face Broad Street , so I did . That 's when I heard the ' click , click , click ' , then he screamed , ' Run f - - ker ! ' I was Usain Bolt for 10 seconds straight . I don 't know if the gun was ever loaded . I don 't know if the gun jammed . I do know I heard the ' click ' of the hammer . I ran back to the dorm and the security called the police . They drove around looking for the guy but never found him . I asked what the likely hood of him being caught is and they told me unless he does something where he does get caught and he has my I . D . on him . . . then not likely . It doesn 't bother me now . More of just a cooSource " I was 9 yrs old in the late 80 's , walking around a small lake by myself . My mom worked just a few streets over and our apt was only a couple of blocks away . I started to notice a guy in a truck following me . If I stopped he would stop and open his door acting like he was reading a newspaper . He kept doing it , so I started to walk up to another couple . He drove away at that point , so I didn 't end up telling them . I decided it was time to just go home and started heading back . All of a sudden after I crossed the street the same guy was there and he was driving really fast towards me . I freaked out and changed directions to head to my mom 's work instead . He kept chasing after me and got really close . I had the option of either stopping and letting him do whatever , crossing in front of his truck to get to my mom 's work which was right there to the right or go straight ( I couldn 't turn left , it was fenced off ) . . . He was literally driving right at me . I was running on the left side of the street where there was just dirt , so he was not at all on his side of the road . So , I chose without having time to think ( I was panicking ) to run forward . . . Onto the middle of a major road with cars coming at me . I made it across to where a gas station was . I could barely talk to the clerk who ended up pointing to the payphone outside and told me to call the police . I actually tried to look at the phonebook , but i didn 't know where to find the Police 's # . I tried to call my mom at work since I had her # memorized , but the pay phone wanted money . ( Yeah , I didn 't know what 911 was , I guess ) . This is where I just sort of lost it and started crying like crazy . I couldn 't see the guy anywhere , but I was terrified that he was going to come back and upset because the payphone kept wanting money . Anyway , eventually I went back across the street and ran into my mom 's office . I kept trying to tell her what had happened , but her boss was there and I wasn 't supposed to be , so she was very angry with me and wouldn 't let me tell her . She just angrSource " Throwaway so I don 't give out any personal details but it was all over the news at the time . I was one of several students targeted at my high school by some guy who started harassing the students that went there . I was 16 at the time . It started off as reports that he was talking to students as they were walking home from school and that we were to look out for him . I was walking home a week or two after that all started when I saw him . He yelled something at me as he drove by and I didn 't think anything of it . I turned off the main road on to my street ( a long street , not very close to home yet at this point ) and I saw the truck round the corner and head towards me . It stopped next to me on the road and he yelled something again and then ran out of the car towards me . I didn 't have time to think before I dropped my stuff and ran as fast as I could down the street . I started screaming but he was too fast and caught me and dragged me into the back of his car . There was no way for me to open the car from the back so I was stuck there yelling at him to let me go . He kept driving for about 30 minutes before getting me out of the car and duct taping my hands together behind my back . At this point we are in some more industrial zoned area and he pulls out a gun , points it right to my head and I hear a click . I 'm not sure if he switched the safety or he pulled the trigger and it jammed . At this point I 'm sure it 's over and I 'm either going to be raped , killed , or both . I noticed hearing a helicopter and watched it fly by overhead then turn around and hover above us . What felt like hours but was probably seconds later cop cars swarmed from every possible direction and he took off running and left me there . I remember seeing the police dogs running by me and as officer came an untied me . The rest goes as you would expect , I was saved and was mostly unscathed . Ends up someone on my street called the police and had the car 's description and license plate . The guy was some convicted child predator and was on probation . He Source " My Brother in Laws story , this happened a week after my niece was born . He took his dog out for a walk through their condo complex before he had to be in work at six in the morning . As he 's walking by a couple of cars parked near the woods his dog puts her tail between her legs and half sits like she 's scared . My BIL pets the dog and they continue to walk when he 's surprised to see his neighbor from across the hall . My BIL says good morning and continues to walk , then he sees a flash of light and a sharp pain in his arm . Thinking he had just been stabbed he turns around to defend himself and sees his neighbor pointing a gun at him . The neighbor shoots him again through the leg . Adrenalin kicks in and my BIL starts to run for his life as the neighbor unloads the rest of the clip getting him twice in the head and once in the back . He said it felt like he got hit in the head with a sledgehammer . Throughout all of this my BIL is still conscious , and somehow manages to run to his condo . When he gets inside he yells to my sister to call 911 because he just got shot . She walks out half asleep , sees him and freaks out . Since she had a baby a week earlier her hormones were all over the place and she couldn 't get herself together to call 911 . My BIL called 911 himself and the EMT 's came , brought him to the hospital and when he arrived the ER was ready with a crash cart but he walked in himself and was able to describe his neighbor to police . A manhunt took place around the woods near the condo complex and four hours later the neighbor gave up and was caught . He was charged with attempted murder in the second degree and received twenty years in prison . My BIL all together got shot five times . Twice to the back of the head , once in the arm , once through the leg and once in his back about two inches from his spine . The reason he isn 't dead from what I understand is that the neighbor used bullets from the gun range , so they didn 't have the ability to puncture his skull " ( Source ) . " Back story , wife 's ex husband came over to drop his son off and used the bathroom . No worries right ? At this time of my life , I rented a house with my wife , her sister and her sisters husband . Two kids as well Her ex husband entered our house through the newly unlocked bathroom window at roughly 3 am . He carried some sort of military knife . I luckily woke up a minute or two ahead of the incident or I 'd be dead . I heard loud aggressive sounding footsteps moving from one end of the house to the other . Only to look at my door fling open and the words ' sup b - - ch ' and watch him lunge at me with his knife . I laid back and shoved both feet as hard as I could into his chest kicking him about 5 - 10 feet back into a full length sliding mirror closet door . The door shatters and my wife wakes up screaming . He gets up and I decide to try to wrestle the knife away . It is at point that he began slashing at my face . The best I could do was get a grip on the blade and sliced my hand from my palm all the way up my middle finger . My hand was in sliced two pieces at this point . During the altercation , my wife was yelling for her brother in law . He wakes up and runs across the room and grabs a collectible samurai sword and begins to run into my bedroom . At this point I am covered in blood , dripping wet . . . Soaked shirt and woozy . No pain at all . No idea I was even cut . My wife manages to push me out of the room and out into our garage , where I took my sliced open hand and held on to th door know with all of my strength . I felt the door on begin to turn and I squeezed tighter . I heard a scuffle in the house and then it went quiet . I hear a car peel away and ran out the garage door . I ended up in the woods behind my house somehow . When they found me , I was completely naked in the woods , covered in blood soaked clothing bandages on my and and a sizable gash on my left shoulder . The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes . I still have trouble sleeping from this incident . The slightest noise gets my heart racing . This happened 7 years ago in ASource " When I was 1 or 2 , my sister ( 3 or 4 ) tried to make me stop crying by putting a plastic bag over my head . It worked until my parents noticed the sudden change and rushed into the room . Now she and I are great friends , so it worked out for the better in the end " ( Source ) . |
I 'm trying to make a list of all the commands Isaac knows . I might be missing a few , but these are what I 've got so far . He knows a lot ! Stay - obviously , means stay . He also has a hand signal that means stay . Wait - means stay there for a minute , like waiting until the elevator door is completely open to exit the elevator . Unload - means get out of the car . OK - releases him to do whatever it is he wants to do , like if he is sitting and waiting for his dinner , OK means now it 's all right to eat . We also play a game where I toss a treat and he waits until I say OK to go get it . Get phone - means get my phone and bring it to me . Get it - pick up whatever I am pointing at and give it to me . Frequently , but not always , he will also pick up something if I drop it without being told . Also , if he knocks something on the floor , like if he 's wagging his tail and it knocks my mouse off the arm of the couch , he will often pick it up and give it to me without being told . He also knows the names of some of his toys , so if I say " Get the Kong " or " Get the pickle " or " Get the stick bone " he knows what to get . Tug - means tug on the rope , like to open the fridge . If pointing at my foot , it means take off my sock ( tug it off ) . We are still working on the sock thing . Getting the sock without biting my toes is a bit tricky . It 's not time yet - this is what I say when Isaac gets up way too early . It means I am not taking you outside yet , it 's not time to get up . I say , " It 's not time yet " and he goes back to bed . Leave it - means leave it alone , whatever " it " is . If he is trying to sniff Cayenne and I say " leave it , " it means leave her alone , get away from her . If we are on a walk and he stops to investigate some sort of food on the ground , " leave it " means don 't touch that , keep on walking . Find the car - this is supposed to mean lead me to the car . We haven 't worked on it much in a while and he 's not real good at it , although the other day he actually did it . I was impressed . We should work on it more . Paws up - means put his paws on my lap . We are still working on this one . It will also mean put his paws on someone else 's lap if I say it while pointing at someone else . Isaac is such a sweetie . I usually use my laptop when I 'm sitting on the couch and I keep my mouse on the arm of the couch . Sometimes Isaac knocks it off and when he does , he picks it up for me . Well , this morning , Isaac was in my bed sleeping and I was on the couch with my laptop and I knocked the mouse off the arm of the couch . Isaac heard it hit the floor and he got up out of bed , come out to the living room , picked up the mouse and gave it to me , then went back to bed . How sweet In the service dog world , people often refer to a service dog handler and a service dog as a team . For instance , instead of saying , " Today I met another service dog handler and service dog , " they will say , " Today I met another service dog team . " I understood why they would use that word , or at least I thought I did , but before today , I wouldn 't say I felt it myself . When I thought about my relationship with Isaac , there have been many different ways I might describe it , but teamwork wasn 't one that came to mind . Earlier today , I was throwing Isaac 's Kong for him . We probably spend a good hour a day , or more , playing fetch with his Kong . Well , it bounced behind the Christmas tree . Isaac started to crawl under the tree to get it and the tree began to tilt dangerously and I thought the whole thing was going to come crashing down . I guess Isaac thought so , too , because he backed out from under the tree . And it didn 't fall . Isaac then looked back at me . It was as if he was saying , " Well , what am I supposed to do now ? " I love the way animals figure out how to communicate with us and we learn to communicate with them . I think they learn our language more than we learn theirs , at least in most cases . But it 's interesting . I remember once when I was visiting my sister , she was out somewhere and I was at her house alone , and her cat decided it was time for dinner . The cat very clearly announced to me that it was her dinner time and I should feed her right away . I didn 't even know that cat very well but she got her point across . And on Thanksgiving , when K 's mom was walking Isaac for me , he managed to talk her into feeding him a whole extra meal . He 's only seen her a few times before and yet , he was able to communicate with her . That 's just fascinating to me . Of course , Isaac and I know each other well by now . I can often tell what he 's thinking . I know when he wants to go out , I know when he needs to poop , I know when he is thinking about taking off after a squirrel , I know when he is considering eating the cat 's food . So anyway . Today when he looked at me , looked at the Kong , and looked back at me , I knew he was asking what he should do . If I had told him to get the Kong , he would have gone back under the tree and retrieved his toy . I didn 't tell him to do that , though , because I didn 't not want his to knock the tree over and I didn 't think he could get the Kong without toppling the tree . Instead , I got up and walked over to the tree . I think he thought I was coming to rescue the Kong for him , which is what I do when it lands someplace he cannot get to it , like under the bed . I didn 't want to get down on the floor , though , because I knew I would have a hard time getting back up . Instead , I held onto the tree to steady it and then told Isaac to get the Kong . He looked a little bit uncertain , like he wasn 't sure I was going to keep the tree from falling , but decided to take my word for it and go get his Kong . There is a point to this story . I was reflecting on how well we had communicated with each other around this event . But it was more than just communication . Isaac wasn 't sure how to get his Kong and he looked to me for an answer . I decided to hold the tree so it didn 't tip over instead of getting the Kong for him and communicated that plan to Isaac . He had a moment of worry that the tree would fall , then decided to trust me to hold it . We were working as a team to solve the problem of the Kong under the tree . You know how medical professionals always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten ? I hate that because for me , it 's like the pain in what part of my body ? And when ? Because they usually ask me that while I am sitting in a chair or lying on the exam table and not moving . Right this minute , I am sitting comfortably on my couch and only moving my fingers as I type . So at this moment , I would say the pain in my back is a level two , the pain in my right elbow is a level four , and the pain in my left knee is a level three . However , if I move my right arm to pick up the drink that is on the end table beside me and lift it to my mouth to drink , the pain in my right elbow would probably shoot up to a nine or ten . If I stood up , the pain in my back would probably shoot up to a ten while I am moving , and the pain in my left knee would probably shoot up to an eight . But once I was on my feet for a minute , the pain in my back would probably decrease to a six or seven . So which pain level do they want when they ask that question ? I 'm not Christian but I do celebrate Christmas in some ways . I have a Christmas tree because I like it . I like decorating it , I like looking at it at night when it 's dark and the lights of the tree are on . I exchange gift with a few people . I send Christmas cards because I like touching base with people that way and because I like receiving cards . Yes , I cooked them breakfast . I know , it 's silly . But it was fun . Cayenne picked all the little bits of hot dog out of hers and left most of the egg on the plate . So Isaac finished it for her . He was disappointed that I did not share my French toast with him . Of course , he was done with his breakfast before I even made it out of the kitchen . I think I 've written before about body memories , more specifically about having the sensation of my arms being stapled like they were in the emergency room . Body memories seem to be pretty common among people with PTSD . I tried to do some research on how to deal with them but could not find much . So I ended up writing an article on the subject . How to Deal with Body Memories When You Have PTSD At the park , this guy stopped to talk to Isaac and then he told me how he used to have a lab and that lab liked to jump up on people like Isaac sometimes does . However , he said , he cured his dog of that . When the dog would put her paws up on him , he would stop on her toes . I guess he meant the dog put her front feet on him and he stepped on her back toes . I don 't see how he could step on her front toes if they were on his chest . I mean , how does one step on one 's own chest ? Unless one is very skilled at yoga or something . When he walked on , I assured Isaac that no one would be stepping on his toes . Isaac did not look at all concerned . He cannot imagine someone stepping on his toes on purpose . After all , he believes the world is a good place , full of good people , people that love him and want to be his friends . As far as I know , there have been only two times in his life that someone was mean to him . Unless you count giving him a bath or clipping his toenails as being mean . I think Isaac might count those things as being mean . But other than that , I can think of two mean things . One was the time I used a spray bottle of water to squirt him in the face when he was barking excessively . I did that on the advice of a dog trainer . Isaac looked so shocked and offended and like his feelings were terribly hurt . I felt so guilty . The other mean thing was when Mike 's cat Indigo swatted Isaac on the nose because he kept trying to sniff her and she did not wish to be sniffed . Again Isaac was horrified and shocked . He ran to me for comfort . Actually , he came to me for comfort when I squirted him with the water , too . That made me feel even more guilty . Isaac is just certain everyone wants to be his friend . He loves everyone and if he doesn 't know someone , he is sure he will love them . He greets strangers like long lost friends . He firmly believes everyone wants to pet him . He believes everyone will love him . The park we went to was a new one for Isaac . He 'd never been there before . And yet , he bounded out of the car as soon as I had his leash on him , full of enthusiasm for wherever we were going and whatever we were going to do . He is sure whatever we do will be fun . Good things will happen wherever we go . I love that about him . A couple days ago , I received a package via UPS from a good friend . She 'd told me to expect a package , but I wasn 't expecting so much stuff . There were gifts for me , for Isaac and for Cayenne . I was cracking up because you know how little kids sometimes have more fun with the box than with the gift in the box ? Well , Isaac was thrilled to death to see the UPS guy . Of course , Isaac loves everyone , but still . . . He feels he and the UPS guy have some sort of special bond . You could ship Isaac an empty box and just seeing the UPS guy would be treat enough for Isaac . Isaac was , however , also thrilled at the contents of the box , which included a squeaky toy ( which I have yet to present to him , but I am sure he will disembowel it quickly to remove the squeaker , but that 's how he likes to play with squeaky toys ) , two rawhide bones and some milk bones . I showed him the two rawhide bones and he quickly selected the one that I think was beef flavored . Here he is , devouring it . Cayenne got some cat treats , which she loved . Isaac was disappointed when I refused to give him some of Cayenne 's treats . Cayenne was disappointed when I refused to give her more cat treats . I only gave her a couple at a time because I don 't want her to puke on my couch . She did not seem to appreciate my concerns for the welfare of the sofa , however . Cayenne also got a couple of kitty toys . She is not very playful these days , but you know , she didn 't play with toys all that much when she was younger . She has been a bit more active lately , though , so maybe she will play a little bit . Later , I had all the wrapping paper and packaging in the box everything came in and it was sitting on the living room floor . Isaac kept digging through the box and removing the paper and stuff , checking to make sure I hadn 't overlooked any treats . It was cute . Another friend of mine got me an electric blanket . I really wanted one and it 's something I would have bought for myself if money hadn 't been so tight the last couple of months . Heat is probably the thing that helps my pain the most . I have a heating pad but it 's small . Sometimes I sit here moving it around , leaving it on one area for ten minutes , then moving it to another area . I used it a little yesterday and I really like it . Unfortunately , it has been really hot in my apartment the last two days . This afternoon , I had my heat off ( it 's been off for two days ) and all the windows open ( they have also been open for two days , except I had to close them for a few hours in the middle of the night when it was super windy and raining in ) and it was 75 degrees in here . I actually considered turning on the air conditioning , which seems ridiculous in late December . It has been warmer than usually that last couple days , but still , who turns on the AC when it 's 54 degrees out ? I have no idea why it 's so hot in here , but I would enjoy my electric blanket a lot more if it wasn 't so hot . I discovered something interesting as I was lying under the warm blanket , though . It reminds me of my grandma . When I was a kid , I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and my grandmother also had an electric blanket on her bed in the winter . My blanket is nicer than the one she had , though . It 's much softer , almost velvety . Cayenne loves it , whether it 's actually turned on or not . I had a lot talk with her about not peeing or hacking up hairballs on it . Due to some rude or otherwise inappropriate comments posted anonymously , I decided to change the settings on my blog so that I must approved comments before they post . I considered changing the settings to disallow anonymous comments but I don 't really want to require people to sign up for a Google ID in order to comment . I really enjoy most of the comments I receive and I like being able to interact with readers of my blog . Unfortunately , a few people seem to enjoy posting inappropriate or offensive things on blogs . I don 't think this is a problem unique to me , I 've heard other bloggers talk about it , too . So anyway , for now at least , your comments will not show up until I 've approved them . I read through my blog posts from last December because I thought I would have written about this , but I guess I didn 't . This time last year was a crazy , stressful time for me . I guess I just never got around to blogging about this particular event . Last year at Christmas time , I met a good friend for lunch at Panera . We planned to have lunch , to talk and to exchange gifts . She lives about three hours away from me , so we were meeting about midway . I 'd only had Isaac for about a month , but I 'd taken him to a few restaurants and he 'd done OK at them . He did not do well at Panera that day , though . As soon as my friend and I got our food and sat down , he started to bark . I couldn 't get him to stop . I even took him outside in case he needed to go potty , but I don 't think that was what he was barking about . To this day , I don 't know why he was barking . I just know that I had to cut my lunch , and my visit with my friend , short because I had an out - of - control , disruptive service dog . It was really cold that day , too cold to just leave him in the car while I ate . I was really mad at him . Well , today I met the same friend at the same Panera to have lunch and exchange gifts . Isaac was so well - behaved . The difference was like night and day . I got there before my friend , so Isaac and I waited in the entryway for her to arrive . While we were waiting , a number of people went by us , either coming into the restaurant or leaving the restaurant . One middle - aged man howled at Isaac . Howled . Like a wolf or something . That was a new one for me . I 've had people bark and I 've had people meow . But this was the first howl . And one woman stopped to do some baby talk at Isaac . Isaac ignored both the howler and the baby talker , though . My friend got there , we ordered our food and got our drinks and found a table . Isaac went right under the table . He lay down with his head on my foot and slept until we were ready to leave . When we got up to go , and he came out from under the table , a couple of people seated nearby exclaimed , " There 's a dog ! Look , it 's a dog ! " They hadn 't known he was under there , because he was doing what he was supposed to do . I imagine last year , everyone in the whole place knew there was a dog there , because he barked pretty loudly . I sent Christmas cards to all four of my nephews . I did last year , too . I didn 't expect to get cards from them , because they are kids and they are boys . Well , I guess two of them aren 't technically kids anymore , one is a Marine and the other has finished high school , but they are still like teenagers . I don 't expect them to send me Christmas cards . But I send cards to them . My youngest nephew , I think he 's in second grade now , loves to get mail . I used to send him coloring pages and stuff a lot . I was sure he would like to get a card , and I 'm not sure if the older boys care about getting cards or not , but I wasn 't going to send one kid a card and not send cards to the others . So they all got cards . But I got one today from my youngest nephew . My sister addressed the envelope for him . I think sending me a card was probably his idea , not hers . He wrote the message inside the card himself . I don 't think he even asked for help with spelling words , because there were a couple of things misspelled . Isaac looked concerned and came over for a hug . Then he looked around , spotted his Nylabone toy that looks like a stick , and happily pounced on it . Yes , sometimes Isaac pounces on toys . Much like a cat . Only much bigger . It 's cute . He brought me the toy . He often thinks a toy of some sort will cheer me up . He 's usually right . Two years ago , I got to spend Christmas at my sister 's . It was so much fun being with my little nephew then . He had some " reindeer food " to sprinkle outside in the yard for Santa 's reindeer . It was really oatmeal with a little glitter mixed it . I took him outside to sprinkle the reindeer food . Christmas is just magical for little kids . I liked being there for that . Yesterday I was watching Master Chef online and the cooks were preparing lunch for a bunch of surfers and at the end , the surfers were supposed to vote for which team they thought made the best fish tacos . And , ick , but who ever thought fish should go on a taco ? But anyway , to vote , the surfers stood on one surfboard and then jumped onto either the red board or the blue board , to indicate which team 's tacos they liked best . And the thought occurred to me that I would have trouble just stepping up onto the first surfboard , let alone jumping onto another . But they were all doing it easily . Also , for some reason , the other day I was thinking about my old apartment when I lived in Cincinnati . I had this really awesome apartment in a really old building . But there were three stairs up to the front door and there was no railing . I had a friend that has multiple sclerosis and she had a hard time going up those stairs and an even harder time going down them . I didn 't have any trouble , but it occurred to me that now I would . Especially in the winter , if there was snow or ice on the steps . I am just feeling really frustrated today about all the things I cannot do or that are really difficult for me to do that should be easy . I have to do a load of laundry today . Have to , because I have no more clean towels for Cayenne the Incontinent Cat to pee on . She goes through a lot of towels . At least two a day , sometimes more . That means I do a lot of laundry . But doing laundry is difficult for me , even with Isaac to help . Sometimes I am able to carry a basket of laundry to the laundry room . Sometimes I am not . If I can 't carry it , I have to go downstairs in the elevator , get the cart that is kept in the laundry room , take that back upstairs , put my laundry in the cart , and take it back down to the laundry room . Sometimes I am able to just bend over and pick up the basket of laundry from the floor and put it in the cart . Sometimes I am not . Then Isaac has to pick up each article of clothing , one by one , and give them to me to put in the cart . When it 's time to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer , I have some difficulty reaching the items in the bottom of the washing machines . That 's not something Isaac can do for me . If I accidentally drop an item on the floor , he picks it up for me , though . Then when the clothes are done drying , I have to wait about ten minutes for the dryer to cool down a little so Isaac can get the clothes out for me . When the dryer stops , the inside of it is very hot . I don 't want Isaac to burn his feet on it , and neither does he . So I have to wait for it to cool down . Then I have to bend over to clean the lint out of the lint tray , because that 's not something Isaac can do . Then it 's finally time for Isaac to unload the dryer for me . He almost always pulls out one item at a time , so it can take a while for him to get everything . All of this makes doing laundry take a lot longer than it would take a " normal " person . And even with Isaac 's help , there is some bending , reaching and lifting involved , which causes pain . It 's frustrating . My doctor got the results of my blood tests and x - rays . He said the x - rays showed degenerative disk disease , which was no surprise because I 'd been told I had that before . He said the blood work was all normal so he does not think I have rheumatoid arthritis . So now he is thinking it 's fibromyalgia and wants to refer me to a rheumatologist . Which is probably a good idea , but that means seeing a different doctor that I don 't know , which makes me really anxious . Edited to add : I Googled the rheumatologist my PCP said he would refer me to . She has a LOT of bad reviews online . Only a couple good ones . Most people say she doesn 't listen to them , is rude , and does not take the time to explain things . That is totally the opposite of what I want in a doctor ! Most people say they would not recommend her to family or friends . However , my friend Google also gave me the name of another doctor in the same area , who does have plenty of good reviews . People say he listens to them and spends plenty of time with them . I think tomorrow I will be calling my PCP 's office to explain why I will not be seeing the rheumatologist they suggested and seeing this other guy instead . Posted by Thursday when I saw my doctor , he instructed me to increase my Flexeril to three times a day and my Tramadol to four times a day , instead of just taking it as needed . When I was taking it as needed , I didn 't take it every time I felt pain because I have pain all the time . I took the Tramadol when the pain was really bad . I took the Flexeril when I had a lot of muscle spasm . I filled a script for 60 Flexeril last February and still have four of them left when I saw my doctor . That 's how often I took it . And on a really bad day , I might have taken the Tramadol three times , but most days I only took it once or maybe twice . I worried about running out , about not having enough , about being without pain meds when the pain got really bad . So I tried not to take the meds unless I really , really had to . Well , yesterday I realized I was having far fewer muscle spasms than I had been having . I think I had spasms just two times yesterday . I haven 't had any so far today . And today I notice I 'm not in as much pain . I still hurt , but not nearly as bad . I 've been sleeping a lot . I think the amount of meds is making me drowsy . I don 't care , though . I 'm just glad to have some relief from the pain . Over the last two years , I 've made big efforts to be more green . You know , eco - friendly . Earth friendly . I 've done things like starting using cloth napkins instead of paper napkins , cloth rags instead of paper towels , and cloth wipes instead of toilet paper . I now make my own laundry detergent , cleaning products and toilet paper . I take my own cloth bags to the grocery store , etc . It was just a follow up from her appointment about a month ago . She was supposed to have a follow up in two weeks but for various reasons , I kept postponing it . So she finally went today . On the way there , she peed and pooped in her carrier . So it was a stinky trip . I tried to clean her up as best I could when we got to the vet , but because she 'd sat in her poop , it was all matted in her fur and I couldn 't get her very clean . Poor girl . I know it 's not her fault . I think the stress of riding in the car makes her poop . She pooped on the way home last time she went to the vet . The vet wanted to test her urine but wasn 't able to since she didn 't have any urine in her bladder since she 'd peed on the way there . She said I could schedule another appointment just for a urine check and that she wouldn 't charge me for the office visit then , just for the urine check . But the trip to the vet is so stressful for Cayenne , I don 't think I 'm going to do it unless she needs to go for something else or shows symptoms of a urinary tract infection or something . Everything else looked good at this appointment , including the ulcerations on the lumps on her belly . Her weight is still good ; she has lost three ounces since her last appointment , and I 'm guessing peeing and pooping right before she was weighed could account for those three ounces . Her ears look good , her teeth look OK , her lungs sound clear . The lumps haven 't grown any . This was not Cayenne 's usual vet , he had to have some sort of surgery and is off work for a few weeks , which is one of the reasons the appointment got postponed , but we 've seen the other vet in the practice before and I like her a lot . She hadn 't seen Cayenne since these new lumps occurred , though , so she couldn 't say if they 'd grown or not . I can 't tell they haven 't , though . I feel them regularly to see if they are any bigger or otherwise different . They haven 't grown since the last appointment . I told the vet how Cayenne had been more active since starting the anti - inflammatory medication . She just took the last of it a two days ago . The vet said she probably did have some arthritis that was causing some pain or discomfort and that one of the ways they actually diagnose arthritis in cats is to try them on an anti - inflammatory and if it seems to help , then they might assume the cause of the cat 's symptoms were due to arthritis , since of course cats can 't describe their discomfort to you . I 've assumed for a while that Cayenne has some arthritis in her knees and / or hips because over the last couple of years she has seemed to have more and more difficulty jumping up on things and has become more and more reluctant to jump very high . More recently , she 's seemed reluctant to jump off things , too , at least if they are higher than the couch . Anyway , the vet said we can keep her on the anti - inflammatory since it seems to be helping her , so I am happy about that . When we got home , Cayenne had to have a bath , which she did not like one bit . If you 've ever tried to bathe a cat , you know how difficult it can be . After her bath , she hid under the couch for a while . She has recovered now , though , and is sound asleep next to me . I was super anxious about going but the appointment went well , I think . My doctor seemed to take my pain seriously , which I appreciated . He asked me , on a scale of one to 10 , where was my pain and I told him , honestly , if giving birth with no pain meds and no epidural was a 9 . 5 on that scale , my pain lately has been about a 12 or 13 . He seemed suitably impressed . He thinks I might have rheumatoid arthritis or possibly fibromyalgia . He seems to be leaning more toward the RA while I think it 's more likely fibro . At this point I don 't really care which it is , or if it 's something else , though . I just want a diagnosis so I don 't feel like it 's all in my head or that other people will think it 's all in my head and so that we can formulate a treatment plan . He ordered some blood tests to check for antibodies that would suggest RA and some x - rays of my back . He said he will probably want an MRI of my back but that he would order x - rays first because my insurance probably would not want to pay for an MRI unless I had x - rays first and those were inconclusive . My last MRI was about 18 months ago and I told him I had it on a disk but he said my back has probably changed since then so he thought some current images were warranted . I plan to get the blood work and the x - rays done Monday and then I will see him a few days after that . In the meantime , he suggested increasing my Tramadol , which I take for pain , and my Flexeril , which is a muscle relaxer , and taking them on a regular schedule instead of just as needed . He prescribed Tramadol four times a day and Flexeril three times a day . It 's probably too soon to tell how much that will help but I think I have had fewer muscle spasms today . I , on the other hand , have been a very good kitty . You should bring me a lot of presents . Here is my list of what I want . 1 . Cheese . Lots of cheese . Any kind . A variety pack of some sort would be nice . Shredded cheese is best since it requires less chewing . 2 . Ice cream . Mommy says chocolate is not good for kitties . Is that true ? If it is , then any flavor other than chocolate would be fine . If she 's just making that up , then some chocolate ice cream would be fine , too . I have been a very good doggie all year . Except for the seven or eight times I chased the deer ( but they were not reindeer , I promise I wouldn 't chase those ) , the three or four times I ate the cat 's food , and the other day when I rolled in the mud . I just couldn 't resist . But mostly I have been a good dog . My mommy has been telling people I want treats , a treat dispensing ball , and some beef bones for Christmas and I would like all those things . If you are planning to bring them , please do . But there are some other things I really , really want . I made you a list . 1 . Cat food . I know I shouldn 't eat the cat 's food but it smells so yummy . It smells and tastes a lot better than my kibble . So I would really like to have some cat food of my own . 2 . Cat poop . I know my mommy doesn 't like me to eat it but I don 't know why . Like cat food , it smells and tastes yummy . 3 . Cat barf . It 's not quite as good as cat poop but I still like it a lot . 4 . A kitty friend . The kitty we have does not like me even though I love her and have tried hard to be her friend . Can I please get another ? 5 . McDonald 's bags . Sometimes I find these in the ditch alongside the road on walks and I love them . They are fun to sniff , to lick , to stick my head into , and to carry home with me . I especially love the ones with old French fries in the bottom . White Castle , Taco Bell and Burger King bags are also nice . 6 . Mud in which to roll . Or poop . I like rolling in that , too . If it 's not too much trouble , could you bring me some of each ? 7 . Hot dogs . They are the best food ever . I need a lot of them . Pretty please . Sincerely , live in my building . One was addressed to " Apartment 205 , " one was addressed to " Kelly and Isaac " and one was addressed to " Kelly and the dog that I love . " How cute is that ? I don 't think I 've posted this update yet . Isaac 's program finally did receive the check from the church that did the fundraiser back in September . It took nearly three months for them to forward the money . I 'm grateful to everyone that donated and to those that organized and ran the fundraiser . I think it 's a shame that those in charge didn 't do their part in a timely manner and that they responded in a kind of rude way when questioned or asked to do what they should have done anyway . But whatever . The money finally made it to the right place . A big thanks to my friend Traci for following up with the church for me . Without her , I think I 'd still be waiting for the money to arrive . I have an appointment with my primary care physician tomorrow to talk about my increased pain and what to do about it . I feel incredibly anxious about it . Part of the anxiety is the fear that he won 't believe I 'm in this much pain and won 't want to do anything about it . Part of it is that I don 't know what I want to do about it . I like going to the doctor with a plan . Which is maybe sort of silly , but I usually have an idea of what 's wrong with me and what I want to do about it . You know , if I have a very sore throat and a fever , I want a strep test and , if it 's positive , an antibiotic . Or I have a list of blood tests I want , and then if my B12 level is low , I want a script for B12 shots . But I don 't know what I want now . I spent some time looking online for pain management specialists . I read lists of treatments they offered , like epidural steroid injections and nerve blocks . I 've tried those things and they provided some temporary relief but it didn 't really last long enough . But also , those things aren 't really options for me now because they sedate you for the procedures and you have to have someone to drive you home . For some of the procedures , you 're supposed to take it easy for a day or two afterward . I don 't have anyone to drive me and I can 't take it any easier than I already do , because there is no one else to do things for me that need to be done . But then I thought , if I go in there and start saying oh no , I can 't do this and I can 't do that , they are going to think I am being difficult and that I just want drugs . Which isn 't true . I mean , I 'd love a pill that made the pain go away . But I don 't want to become addicted to pain meds and I also don 't want meds that make me too drowsy . I can 't take a pill that knocks me out all day . I have to take the dog out and feed the cat and stuff . Most of the pain management specialists seem to require a referral from your primary care doctor , but I don 't even know if I want a referral . I don 't know if I want to see a pain management specialist . I don 't know what I want . I just want the pain to stop . I know I 've mentioned how much I hate asking for help . Well , about a week ago , I needed to do a load of laundry and I had enough quarters for the washing machine but was one quarter short of having enough for the dryer . I spent some time searching for one more quarter , in the bottom of my purse , under the seats in my car , everywhere I could think to look , but could not find one . I thought of going out in the bad weather to an ATM machine , withdrawing $ 10 ( and paying a fee for using an ATM at a bank where I did not have an account ) , and going to the grocery store to see if they would give me some quarters . I thought of just washing my stuff and hanging it up all over my apartment to dry . I also thought of asking one of my neighbors if they had a quarter ( I had nickles and dimes , just no quarters ) , but that seems a lot like asking for help , and I didn 't want to . But I finally did . And of course , she gave me a quarter . And it was so much easier than going to the ATM and then to the grocery store , so much easier than having wet laundry hung up all over the place to dry . And tonight , I asked a friend if he could stop on his way home from work and bring me a gallon of milk . I hated asking for that . But it is freezing out , it 's snowy , the roads are kind of icy still , and my back hurts . To go out to the store , I would have had to scrape ice off my car windows , which is hard on my back . The cold makes my joints hurt . I just really , really didn 't want to go out . I need some stuff from the store , but I figured if I just had someone to bring me some milk , I could have a protein shake for dinner and another for breakfast in the morning and I can figure out getting to the store in another day or two . So I asked . And I got milk . About a week ago , I was in the kitchen making my morning protein shake . I poured a glass of milk , added calcium citrate powder and Miralax , and was getting ready to add the vanilla protein powder - and I knocked over the glass . Spilled milk all over the counter . Luckily it didn 't get on the floor , so it wasn 't too hard to clean it up . What 's notable about this is that I didn 't get too upset about spilling the milk . Normally , a little thing like this sets off this whole downward spiral for me . I get angry at myself . I start thinking about how I always mess things up . I would feel guilty about wasting the milk , and also the calcium citrate powder and the Miralax , because I can 't afford to waste stuff like that . I would think about how stupid and clumsy I am . These kinds of thoughts would just spiral out of control and the whole day would be ruined . And this time , that just didn 't happen . I cleaned up the milk . I made another protein shake . I took some anxiety medication and I got on with my day . This probably sounds like a silly little thing , but it really was a victory . This is not news to me , of course . But I 've just been realizing lately how much he enjoys working . I 've had some days lately when I have not felt well . I 've been tired , and depressed , and in pain . I don 't do much on those days . And Isaac gets bored . He gets restless . He bugs me , wanting treats , wanting to play , wanting to go outside . Making sure he gets enough exercise , like going for runs three times a week with the dog walker , helps . Making sure he has time to socialize with people , like our neighbors when we see them in the lobby of the building , helps , too . But so does making sure he has work to do . Lately I 've been having Isaac do some tasks even when I don 't really need him to do them , just because it seems to make him happy . For instance , Isaac can open the refrigerator for me . I don 't need him to do that , I am perfectly capable of opening the fridge myself . But he opens it by tugging on a braided fleece rope attached to the handle , and it 's good for him to practice his " tug " command , because I use that command with him for other things , too . And he likes doing it . His tail wags and he looks really happy every time he opens the fridge . So during the day , when I want to get a drink or when I am cooking or putting groceries away , I have Isaac open the fridge for me . I have been having Isaac turn on lights for the same reason . He likes it and it 's practice for him . Sometimes I need him to do that task , but even when I could do it myself , I 've been having Isaac do it most of the time . I love it that Isaac loves to work . Today I did a load of laundry and as he was taking the clothes out of the dryer for me , his tail was wagging so hard . It kept hitting the washing machine that was behind him . Thump thump thump , the whole time he was getting the clothes out for me . He was just so happy to be helping . While I have a hard time asking for help , I usually do not have a hard time offering to help others . And I usually like it when friends ask me to help them . I can 't always help everyone , I can 't always offer whatever someone needs , but when I can help , I like to do so . It hurts my feelings sometimes , though , when people decline my offers of help . I realize that when you offer to help someone with something , they may not accept that help for a variety of reasons . Logically , rationally , I know that most of the time , it probably has nothing to do with me personally . I still end up feeling rejected , though . I start thinking of how much I wish there was someone to help me with things like whatever it is I am offering to help with and I don 't understand why they wouldn 't want my help . I realize how messed up that probably is . If I 'm offering to help someone , it should be about them . Not about me . Not about what I would want help with . A couple months ago , I had a friend that was going through a difficult time . She needed to see a doctor and was stressed out about it . I offered to go with her . She didn 't want me to . I was confused and hurt . You know how hard it was for me to find someone to go with me to the hospital when I had surgery to remove the lump in my breast ? More recently , when I had to have oral surgery to remove that broken tooth , I went alone , which meant I couldn 't be sedated for the procedure , because there was no one to go with me . I had a friend that had agreed to go and then backed out at the last minute . When I had to get a follow up mammogram ( follow up from the biopsy ) earlier this week , I didn 't even try to get anyone to go with me . I didn 't even know who to ask that might possibly be willing to do it . So it 's hard for me to imagine why my friend was so adamantly opposed to me going with her . Maybe it wasn 't about me . Maybe she wouldn 't have wanted anyone to go . I don 't want to post private details about her on the internet without her permission , so I 'm not going to say what she needed to see a doctor for . But she was anxious about it and she had been feeling pretty depressed and I thought it would make her feel better to have someone go with her . I thought it would make her feel better to have me go with her . But she didn 't want me to . And there could be lots of reasons why she didn 't want me to go with her . Maybe she just wanted to be alone , maybe she felt it was too private to share with me , who knows . She didn 't explain why and I didn 't press her for a reason . She didn 't even have to have a reason . It 's OK to say no for any reason at all . I believe that . More recently , a friend had surgery and is therefore somewhat limited mobility - wise . She recently posted on Facebook asking who wanted to volunteer to come help her with someone . Again , I 'm not giving details because I don 't have her permission to post personal stuff about her on my blog . Several people responded by saying they would help if they lived closer to her . I replied and said I would be happy to do it for her and to help with anything else she needed . She replied by thanking me but saying she didn 't really need help . Well . . . . OK . Why post saying you needed help if you didn 't ? I mean , I know I 've posted on Facebook before , saying something like , " Who wants to come clean my bathroom for me ? " and I don 't really expect anyone to say , " I 'd love to , I 'll be right over . " But if someone did ? I 'd say , " Great ! I 'll put on some coffee . " Would she have accepted the offer if it had come from someone else ? I don 't know . Do you know how much I would have loved to have someone come walk Isaac for me after my breast biopsy ? The friend that went to the hospital with me took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription for pain meds , then took me home , then left . No one even called me to see how I was doing or ask if I needed anything . No one asked if I needed anything from the store or if they could take Isaac out for me or anything . But maybe other people don 't need help with any of that stuff . Maybe that 's why they don 't want my help with me . Maybe they just don 't need that kind of help . And maybe that 's why I have trouble finding someone to help me with those things . Maybe no one offers to do those things for me because it 's not something most people would need help with . Maybe I just need or want too much help . I don 't know . It has occurred to me that I haven 't written much lately about trips to various places with Isaac . The reason for that is that no much of interest happens these days . I get the usual questions about whether I am training Isaac for a disabled person , I say no , he 's already trained , Isaac does his job , and we go home . Not much new to report . Isaac behaves well , which is wonderful , but after blogging about how nicely he lay on the floor under the table in a restaurant so many times , I kind of get bored writing about it and I imagine it gets a bit boring to read about , too . In the dog food aisle , I had to remind him a couple times not to sniff the big bags of food . I remember when I first got Isaac , the first time I took him down the dog food aisle at the grocery store , I could hardly pull him away from all the food and treats he wanted to sniff . For a long time after that , we avoided the dog food aisle . Now , he takes a couple sniffs , I tell him to leave it , he leaves it . A man at the store today approached Isaac , reached out to pet him , asking as he was reaching for him , " Is it OK to pet him ? " I said , " No . Not when he 's working . " I didn 't hesitate to say no . I used to feel uncomfortable telling people no when they wanted to pet him . Isaac was looking happy at the prospect of being petted but behaved himself . He didn 't try to jump on the man and he stayed beside me . He followed me readily when I told him to come . Near the end of our shopping trip , I accidentally dropped my shopping list on the floor . Without thinking about it , I told Isaac to get it . He was busy watching another shopper in the aisle , but he picked up the paper when I told him to . It 's only been recently that telling Isaac to get something is my first instinct when I drop something . In the past , even when Isaac was with me , my first instinct would be to bend over and get it myself . I had to think about it to have Isaac do those things for me . I also recall a time in the grocery store when I dropped my wallet and told Isaac to get it and he absolutely would not . We were in line to pay and he was busy watching other customers and completely ignored me . After I told him to get it three or four times , I ended up picking it up myself . I was embarrassed and angry . Today , Isaac happily picked up the list for me . He got an ear rub and an enthusiastic , " Good boy ! You are the smartest , best dog ever . " |
I 'm trying to make a list of all the commands Isaac knows . I might be missing a few , but these are what I 've got so far . He knows a lot ! Stay - obviously , means stay . He also has a hand signal that means stay . Wait - means stay there for a minute , like waiting until the elevator door is completely open to exit the elevator . Unload - means get out of the car . OK - releases him to do whatever it is he wants to do , like if he is sitting and waiting for his dinner , OK means now it 's all right to eat . We also play a game where I toss a treat and he waits until I say OK to go get it . Get phone - means get my phone and bring it to me . Get it - pick up whatever I am pointing at and give it to me . Frequently , but not always , he will also pick up something if I drop it without being told . Also , if he knocks something on the floor , like if he 's wagging his tail and it knocks my mouse off the arm of the couch , he will often pick it up and give it to me without being told . He also knows the names of some of his toys , so if I say " Get the Kong " or " Get the pickle " or " Get the stick bone " he knows what to get . Tug - means tug on the rope , like to open the fridge . If pointing at my foot , it means take off my sock ( tug it off ) . We are still working on the sock thing . Getting the sock without biting my toes is a bit tricky . It 's not time yet - this is what I say when Isaac gets up way too early . It means I am not taking you outside yet , it 's not time to get up . I say , " It 's not time yet " and he goes back to bed . Leave it - means leave it alone , whatever " it " is . If he is trying to sniff Cayenne and I say " leave it , " it means leave her alone , get away from her . If we are on a walk and he stops to investigate some sort of food on the ground , " leave it " means don 't touch that , keep on walking . Find the car - this is supposed to mean lead me to the car . We haven 't worked on it much in a while and he 's not real good at it , although the other day he actually did it . I was impressed . We should work on it more . Paws up - means put his paws on my lap . We are still working on this one . It will also mean put his paws on someone else 's lap if I say it while pointing at someone else . Isaac is such a sweetie . I usually use my laptop when I 'm sitting on the couch and I keep my mouse on the arm of the couch . Sometimes Isaac knocks it off and when he does , he picks it up for me . Well , this morning , Isaac was in my bed sleeping and I was on the couch with my laptop and I knocked the mouse off the arm of the couch . Isaac heard it hit the floor and he got up out of bed , come out to the living room , picked up the mouse and gave it to me , then went back to bed . How sweet In the service dog world , people often refer to a service dog handler and a service dog as a team . For instance , instead of saying , " Today I met another service dog handler and service dog , " they will say , " Today I met another service dog team . " I understood why they would use that word , or at least I thought I did , but before today , I wouldn 't say I felt it myself . When I thought about my relationship with Isaac , there have been many different ways I might describe it , but teamwork wasn 't one that came to mind . Earlier today , I was throwing Isaac 's Kong for him . We probably spend a good hour a day , or more , playing fetch with his Kong . Well , it bounced behind the Christmas tree . Isaac started to crawl under the tree to get it and the tree began to tilt dangerously and I thought the whole thing was going to come crashing down . I guess Isaac thought so , too , because he backed out from under the tree . And it didn 't fall . Isaac then looked back at me . It was as if he was saying , " Well , what am I supposed to do now ? " I love the way animals figure out how to communicate with us and we learn to communicate with them . I think they learn our language more than we learn theirs , at least in most cases . But it 's interesting . I remember once when I was visiting my sister , she was out somewhere and I was at her house alone , and her cat decided it was time for dinner . The cat very clearly announced to me that it was her dinner time and I should feed her right away . I didn 't even know that cat very well but she got her point across . And on Thanksgiving , when K 's mom was walking Isaac for me , he managed to talk her into feeding him a whole extra meal . He 's only seen her a few times before and yet , he was able to communicate with her . That 's just fascinating to me . Of course , Isaac and I know each other well by now . I can often tell what he 's thinking . I know when he wants to go out , I know when he needs to poop , I know when he is thinking about taking off after a squirrel , I know when he is considering eating the cat 's food . So anyway . Today when he looked at me , looked at the Kong , and looked back at me , I knew he was asking what he should do . If I had told him to get the Kong , he would have gone back under the tree and retrieved his toy . I didn 't tell him to do that , though , because I didn 't not want his to knock the tree over and I didn 't think he could get the Kong without toppling the tree . Instead , I got up and walked over to the tree . I think he thought I was coming to rescue the Kong for him , which is what I do when it lands someplace he cannot get to it , like under the bed . I didn 't want to get down on the floor , though , because I knew I would have a hard time getting back up . Instead , I held onto the tree to steady it and then told Isaac to get the Kong . He looked a little bit uncertain , like he wasn 't sure I was going to keep the tree from falling , but decided to take my word for it and go get his Kong . There is a point to this story . I was reflecting on how well we had communicated with each other around this event . But it was more than just communication . Isaac wasn 't sure how to get his Kong and he looked to me for an answer . I decided to hold the tree so it didn 't tip over instead of getting the Kong for him and communicated that plan to Isaac . He had a moment of worry that the tree would fall , then decided to trust me to hold it . We were working as a team to solve the problem of the Kong under the tree . You know how medical professionals always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten ? I hate that because for me , it 's like the pain in what part of my body ? And when ? Because they usually ask me that while I am sitting in a chair or lying on the exam table and not moving . Right this minute , I am sitting comfortably on my couch and only moving my fingers as I type . So at this moment , I would say the pain in my back is a level two , the pain in my right elbow is a level four , and the pain in my left knee is a level three . However , if I move my right arm to pick up the drink that is on the end table beside me and lift it to my mouth to drink , the pain in my right elbow would probably shoot up to a nine or ten . If I stood up , the pain in my back would probably shoot up to a ten while I am moving , and the pain in my left knee would probably shoot up to an eight . But once I was on my feet for a minute , the pain in my back would probably decrease to a six or seven . So which pain level do they want when they ask that question ? I 'm not Christian but I do celebrate Christmas in some ways . I have a Christmas tree because I like it . I like decorating it , I like looking at it at night when it 's dark and the lights of the tree are on . I exchange gift with a few people . I send Christmas cards because I like touching base with people that way and because I like receiving cards . Yes , I cooked them breakfast . I know , it 's silly . But it was fun . Cayenne picked all the little bits of hot dog out of hers and left most of the egg on the plate . So Isaac finished it for her . He was disappointed that I did not share my French toast with him . Of course , he was done with his breakfast before I even made it out of the kitchen . I think I 've written before about body memories , more specifically about having the sensation of my arms being stapled like they were in the emergency room . Body memories seem to be pretty common among people with PTSD . I tried to do some research on how to deal with them but could not find much . So I ended up writing an article on the subject . How to Deal with Body Memories When You Have PTSD At the park , this guy stopped to talk to Isaac and then he told me how he used to have a lab and that lab liked to jump up on people like Isaac sometimes does . However , he said , he cured his dog of that . When the dog would put her paws up on him , he would stop on her toes . I guess he meant the dog put her front feet on him and he stepped on her back toes . I don 't see how he could step on her front toes if they were on his chest . I mean , how does one step on one 's own chest ? Unless one is very skilled at yoga or something . When he walked on , I assured Isaac that no one would be stepping on his toes . Isaac did not look at all concerned . He cannot imagine someone stepping on his toes on purpose . After all , he believes the world is a good place , full of good people , people that love him and want to be his friends . As far as I know , there have been only two times in his life that someone was mean to him . Unless you count giving him a bath or clipping his toenails as being mean . I think Isaac might count those things as being mean . But other than that , I can think of two mean things . One was the time I used a spray bottle of water to squirt him in the face when he was barking excessively . I did that on the advice of a dog trainer . Isaac looked so shocked and offended and like his feelings were terribly hurt . I felt so guilty . The other mean thing was when Mike 's cat Indigo swatted Isaac on the nose because he kept trying to sniff her and she did not wish to be sniffed . Again Isaac was horrified and shocked . He ran to me for comfort . Actually , he came to me for comfort when I squirted him with the water , too . That made me feel even more guilty . Isaac is just certain everyone wants to be his friend . He loves everyone and if he doesn 't know someone , he is sure he will love them . He greets strangers like long lost friends . He firmly believes everyone wants to pet him . He believes everyone will love him . The park we went to was a new one for Isaac . He 'd never been there before . And yet , he bounded out of the car as soon as I had his leash on him , full of enthusiasm for wherever we were going and whatever we were going to do . He is sure whatever we do will be fun . Good things will happen wherever we go . I love that about him . A couple days ago , I received a package via UPS from a good friend . She 'd told me to expect a package , but I wasn 't expecting so much stuff . There were gifts for me , for Isaac and for Cayenne . I was cracking up because you know how little kids sometimes have more fun with the box than with the gift in the box ? Well , Isaac was thrilled to death to see the UPS guy . Of course , Isaac loves everyone , but still . . . He feels he and the UPS guy have some sort of special bond . You could ship Isaac an empty box and just seeing the UPS guy would be treat enough for Isaac . Isaac was , however , also thrilled at the contents of the box , which included a squeaky toy ( which I have yet to present to him , but I am sure he will disembowel it quickly to remove the squeaker , but that 's how he likes to play with squeaky toys ) , two rawhide bones and some milk bones . I showed him the two rawhide bones and he quickly selected the one that I think was beef flavored . Here he is , devouring it . Cayenne got some cat treats , which she loved . Isaac was disappointed when I refused to give him some of Cayenne 's treats . Cayenne was disappointed when I refused to give her more cat treats . I only gave her a couple at a time because I don 't want her to puke on my couch . She did not seem to appreciate my concerns for the welfare of the sofa , however . Cayenne also got a couple of kitty toys . She is not very playful these days , but you know , she didn 't play with toys all that much when she was younger . She has been a bit more active lately , though , so maybe she will play a little bit . Later , I had all the wrapping paper and packaging in the box everything came in and it was sitting on the living room floor . Isaac kept digging through the box and removing the paper and stuff , checking to make sure I hadn 't overlooked any treats . It was cute . Another friend of mine got me an electric blanket . I really wanted one and it 's something I would have bought for myself if money hadn 't been so tight the last couple of months . Heat is probably the thing that helps my pain the most . I have a heating pad but it 's small . Sometimes I sit here moving it around , leaving it on one area for ten minutes , then moving it to another area . I used it a little yesterday and I really like it . Unfortunately , it has been really hot in my apartment the last two days . This afternoon , I had my heat off ( it 's been off for two days ) and all the windows open ( they have also been open for two days , except I had to close them for a few hours in the middle of the night when it was super windy and raining in ) and it was 75 degrees in here . I actually considered turning on the air conditioning , which seems ridiculous in late December . It has been warmer than usually that last couple days , but still , who turns on the AC when it 's 54 degrees out ? I have no idea why it 's so hot in here , but I would enjoy my electric blanket a lot more if it wasn 't so hot . I discovered something interesting as I was lying under the warm blanket , though . It reminds me of my grandma . When I was a kid , I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and my grandmother also had an electric blanket on her bed in the winter . My blanket is nicer than the one she had , though . It 's much softer , almost velvety . Cayenne loves it , whether it 's actually turned on or not . I had a lot talk with her about not peeing or hacking up hairballs on it . Due to some rude or otherwise inappropriate comments posted anonymously , I decided to change the settings on my blog so that I must approved comments before they post . I considered changing the settings to disallow anonymous comments but I don 't really want to require people to sign up for a Google ID in order to comment . I really enjoy most of the comments I receive and I like being able to interact with readers of my blog . Unfortunately , a few people seem to enjoy posting inappropriate or offensive things on blogs . I don 't think this is a problem unique to me , I 've heard other bloggers talk about it , too . So anyway , for now at least , your comments will not show up until I 've approved them . I read through my blog posts from last December because I thought I would have written about this , but I guess I didn 't . This time last year was a crazy , stressful time for me . I guess I just never got around to blogging about this particular event . Last year at Christmas time , I met a good friend for lunch at Panera . We planned to have lunch , to talk and to exchange gifts . She lives about three hours away from me , so we were meeting about midway . I 'd only had Isaac for about a month , but I 'd taken him to a few restaurants and he 'd done OK at them . He did not do well at Panera that day , though . As soon as my friend and I got our food and sat down , he started to bark . I couldn 't get him to stop . I even took him outside in case he needed to go potty , but I don 't think that was what he was barking about . To this day , I don 't know why he was barking . I just know that I had to cut my lunch , and my visit with my friend , short because I had an out - of - control , disruptive service dog . It was really cold that day , too cold to just leave him in the car while I ate . I was really mad at him . Well , today I met the same friend at the same Panera to have lunch and exchange gifts . Isaac was so well - behaved . The difference was like night and day . I got there before my friend , so Isaac and I waited in the entryway for her to arrive . While we were waiting , a number of people went by us , either coming into the restaurant or leaving the restaurant . One middle - aged man howled at Isaac . Howled . Like a wolf or something . That was a new one for me . I 've had people bark and I 've had people meow . But this was the first howl . And one woman stopped to do some baby talk at Isaac . Isaac ignored both the howler and the baby talker , though . My friend got there , we ordered our food and got our drinks and found a table . Isaac went right under the table . He lay down with his head on my foot and slept until we were ready to leave . When we got up to go , and he came out from under the table , a couple of people seated nearby exclaimed , " There 's a dog ! Look , it 's a dog ! " They hadn 't known he was under there , because he was doing what he was supposed to do . I imagine last year , everyone in the whole place knew there was a dog there , because he barked pretty loudly . I sent Christmas cards to all four of my nephews . I did last year , too . I didn 't expect to get cards from them , because they are kids and they are boys . Well , I guess two of them aren 't technically kids anymore , one is a Marine and the other has finished high school , but they are still like teenagers . I don 't expect them to send me Christmas cards . But I send cards to them . My youngest nephew , I think he 's in second grade now , loves to get mail . I used to send him coloring pages and stuff a lot . I was sure he would like to get a card , and I 'm not sure if the older boys care about getting cards or not , but I wasn 't going to send one kid a card and not send cards to the others . So they all got cards . But I got one today from my youngest nephew . My sister addressed the envelope for him . I think sending me a card was probably his idea , not hers . He wrote the message inside the card himself . I don 't think he even asked for help with spelling words , because there were a couple of things misspelled . Isaac looked concerned and came over for a hug . Then he looked around , spotted his Nylabone toy that looks like a stick , and happily pounced on it . Yes , sometimes Isaac pounces on toys . Much like a cat . Only much bigger . It 's cute . He brought me the toy . He often thinks a toy of some sort will cheer me up . He 's usually right . Two years ago , I got to spend Christmas at my sister 's . It was so much fun being with my little nephew then . He had some " reindeer food " to sprinkle outside in the yard for Santa 's reindeer . It was really oatmeal with a little glitter mixed it . I took him outside to sprinkle the reindeer food . Christmas is just magical for little kids . I liked being there for that . Yesterday I was watching Master Chef online and the cooks were preparing lunch for a bunch of surfers and at the end , the surfers were supposed to vote for which team they thought made the best fish tacos . And , ick , but who ever thought fish should go on a taco ? But anyway , to vote , the surfers stood on one surfboard and then jumped onto either the red board or the blue board , to indicate which team 's tacos they liked best . And the thought occurred to me that I would have trouble just stepping up onto the first surfboard , let alone jumping onto another . But they were all doing it easily . Also , for some reason , the other day I was thinking about my old apartment when I lived in Cincinnati . I had this really awesome apartment in a really old building . But there were three stairs up to the front door and there was no railing . I had a friend that has multiple sclerosis and she had a hard time going up those stairs and an even harder time going down them . I didn 't have any trouble , but it occurred to me that now I would . Especially in the winter , if there was snow or ice on the steps . I am just feeling really frustrated today about all the things I cannot do or that are really difficult for me to do that should be easy . I have to do a load of laundry today . Have to , because I have no more clean towels for Cayenne the Incontinent Cat to pee on . She goes through a lot of towels . At least two a day , sometimes more . That means I do a lot of laundry . But doing laundry is difficult for me , even with Isaac to help . Sometimes I am able to carry a basket of laundry to the laundry room . Sometimes I am not . If I can 't carry it , I have to go downstairs in the elevator , get the cart that is kept in the laundry room , take that back upstairs , put my laundry in the cart , and take it back down to the laundry room . Sometimes I am able to just bend over and pick up the basket of laundry from the floor and put it in the cart . Sometimes I am not . Then Isaac has to pick up each article of clothing , one by one , and give them to me to put in the cart . When it 's time to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer , I have some difficulty reaching the items in the bottom of the washing machines . That 's not something Isaac can do for me . If I accidentally drop an item on the floor , he picks it up for me , though . Then when the clothes are done drying , I have to wait about ten minutes for the dryer to cool down a little so Isaac can get the clothes out for me . When the dryer stops , the inside of it is very hot . I don 't want Isaac to burn his feet on it , and neither does he . So I have to wait for it to cool down . Then I have to bend over to clean the lint out of the lint tray , because that 's not something Isaac can do . Then it 's finally time for Isaac to unload the dryer for me . He almost always pulls out one item at a time , so it can take a while for him to get everything . All of this makes doing laundry take a lot longer than it would take a " normal " person . And even with Isaac 's help , there is some bending , reaching and lifting involved , which causes pain . It 's frustrating . My doctor got the results of my blood tests and x - rays . He said the x - rays showed degenerative disk disease , which was no surprise because I 'd been told I had that before . He said the blood work was all normal so he does not think I have rheumatoid arthritis . So now he is thinking it 's fibromyalgia and wants to refer me to a rheumatologist . Which is probably a good idea , but that means seeing a different doctor that I don 't know , which makes me really anxious . Edited to add : I Googled the rheumatologist my PCP said he would refer me to . She has a LOT of bad reviews online . Only a couple good ones . Most people say she doesn 't listen to them , is rude , and does not take the time to explain things . That is totally the opposite of what I want in a doctor ! Most people say they would not recommend her to family or friends . However , my friend Google also gave me the name of another doctor in the same area , who does have plenty of good reviews . People say he listens to them and spends plenty of time with them . I think tomorrow I will be calling my PCP 's office to explain why I will not be seeing the rheumatologist they suggested and seeing this other guy instead . Posted by Thursday when I saw my doctor , he instructed me to increase my Flexeril to three times a day and my Tramadol to four times a day , instead of just taking it as needed . When I was taking it as needed , I didn 't take it every time I felt pain because I have pain all the time . I took the Tramadol when the pain was really bad . I took the Flexeril when I had a lot of muscle spasm . I filled a script for 60 Flexeril last February and still have four of them left when I saw my doctor . That 's how often I took it . And on a really bad day , I might have taken the Tramadol three times , but most days I only took it once or maybe twice . I worried about running out , about not having enough , about being without pain meds when the pain got really bad . So I tried not to take the meds unless I really , really had to . Well , yesterday I realized I was having far fewer muscle spasms than I had been having . I think I had spasms just two times yesterday . I haven 't had any so far today . And today I notice I 'm not in as much pain . I still hurt , but not nearly as bad . I 've been sleeping a lot . I think the amount of meds is making me drowsy . I don 't care , though . I 'm just glad to have some relief from the pain . Over the last two years , I 've made big efforts to be more green . You know , eco - friendly . Earth friendly . I 've done things like starting using cloth napkins instead of paper napkins , cloth rags instead of paper towels , and cloth wipes instead of toilet paper . I now make my own laundry detergent , cleaning products and toilet paper . I take my own cloth bags to the grocery store , etc . It was just a follow up from her appointment about a month ago . She was supposed to have a follow up in two weeks but for various reasons , I kept postponing it . So she finally went today . On the way there , she peed and pooped in her carrier . So it was a stinky trip . I tried to clean her up as best I could when we got to the vet , but because she 'd sat in her poop , it was all matted in her fur and I couldn 't get her very clean . Poor girl . I know it 's not her fault . I think the stress of riding in the car makes her poop . She pooped on the way home last time she went to the vet . The vet wanted to test her urine but wasn 't able to since she didn 't have any urine in her bladder since she 'd peed on the way there . She said I could schedule another appointment just for a urine check and that she wouldn 't charge me for the office visit then , just for the urine check . But the trip to the vet is so stressful for Cayenne , I don 't think I 'm going to do it unless she needs to go for something else or shows symptoms of a urinary tract infection or something . Everything else looked good at this appointment , including the ulcerations on the lumps on her belly . Her weight is still good ; she has lost three ounces since her last appointment , and I 'm guessing peeing and pooping right before she was weighed could account for those three ounces . Her ears look good , her teeth look OK , her lungs sound clear . The lumps haven 't grown any . This was not Cayenne 's usual vet , he had to have some sort of surgery and is off work for a few weeks , which is one of the reasons the appointment got postponed , but we 've seen the other vet in the practice before and I like her a lot . She hadn 't seen Cayenne since these new lumps occurred , though , so she couldn 't say if they 'd grown or not . I can 't tell they haven 't , though . I feel them regularly to see if they are any bigger or otherwise different . They haven 't grown since the last appointment . I told the vet how Cayenne had been more active since starting the anti - inflammatory medication . She just took the last of it a two days ago . The vet said she probably did have some arthritis that was causing some pain or discomfort and that one of the ways they actually diagnose arthritis in cats is to try them on an anti - inflammatory and if it seems to help , then they might assume the cause of the cat 's symptoms were due to arthritis , since of course cats can 't describe their discomfort to you . I 've assumed for a while that Cayenne has some arthritis in her knees and / or hips because over the last couple of years she has seemed to have more and more difficulty jumping up on things and has become more and more reluctant to jump very high . More recently , she 's seemed reluctant to jump off things , too , at least if they are higher than the couch . Anyway , the vet said we can keep her on the anti - inflammatory since it seems to be helping her , so I am happy about that . When we got home , Cayenne had to have a bath , which she did not like one bit . If you 've ever tried to bathe a cat , you know how difficult it can be . After her bath , she hid under the couch for a while . She has recovered now , though , and is sound asleep next to me . I was super anxious about going but the appointment went well , I think . My doctor seemed to take my pain seriously , which I appreciated . He asked me , on a scale of one to 10 , where was my pain and I told him , honestly , if giving birth with no pain meds and no epidural was a 9 . 5 on that scale , my pain lately has been about a 12 or 13 . He seemed suitably impressed . He thinks I might have rheumatoid arthritis or possibly fibromyalgia . He seems to be leaning more toward the RA while I think it 's more likely fibro . At this point I don 't really care which it is , or if it 's something else , though . I just want a diagnosis so I don 't feel like it 's all in my head or that other people will think it 's all in my head and so that we can formulate a treatment plan . He ordered some blood tests to check for antibodies that would suggest RA and some x - rays of my back . He said he will probably want an MRI of my back but that he would order x - rays first because my insurance probably would not want to pay for an MRI unless I had x - rays first and those were inconclusive . My last MRI was about 18 months ago and I told him I had it on a disk but he said my back has probably changed since then so he thought some current images were warranted . I plan to get the blood work and the x - rays done Monday and then I will see him a few days after that . In the meantime , he suggested increasing my Tramadol , which I take for pain , and my Flexeril , which is a muscle relaxer , and taking them on a regular schedule instead of just as needed . He prescribed Tramadol four times a day and Flexeril three times a day . It 's probably too soon to tell how much that will help but I think I have had fewer muscle spasms today . I , on the other hand , have been a very good kitty . You should bring me a lot of presents . Here is my list of what I want . 1 . Cheese . Lots of cheese . Any kind . A variety pack of some sort would be nice . Shredded cheese is best since it requires less chewing . 2 . Ice cream . Mommy says chocolate is not good for kitties . Is that true ? If it is , then any flavor other than chocolate would be fine . If she 's just making that up , then some chocolate ice cream would be fine , too . I have been a very good doggie all year . Except for the seven or eight times I chased the deer ( but they were not reindeer , I promise I wouldn 't chase those ) , the three or four times I ate the cat 's food , and the other day when I rolled in the mud . I just couldn 't resist . But mostly I have been a good dog . My mommy has been telling people I want treats , a treat dispensing ball , and some beef bones for Christmas and I would like all those things . If you are planning to bring them , please do . But there are some other things I really , really want . I made you a list . 1 . Cat food . I know I shouldn 't eat the cat 's food but it smells so yummy . It smells and tastes a lot better than my kibble . So I would really like to have some cat food of my own . 2 . Cat poop . I know my mommy doesn 't like me to eat it but I don 't know why . Like cat food , it smells and tastes yummy . 3 . Cat barf . It 's not quite as good as cat poop but I still like it a lot . 4 . A kitty friend . The kitty we have does not like me even though I love her and have tried hard to be her friend . Can I please get another ? 5 . McDonald 's bags . Sometimes I find these in the ditch alongside the road on walks and I love them . They are fun to sniff , to lick , to stick my head into , and to carry home with me . I especially love the ones with old French fries in the bottom . White Castle , Taco Bell and Burger King bags are also nice . 6 . Mud in which to roll . Or poop . I like rolling in that , too . If it 's not too much trouble , could you bring me some of each ? 7 . Hot dogs . They are the best food ever . I need a lot of them . Pretty please . Sincerely , live in my building . One was addressed to " Apartment 205 , " one was addressed to " Kelly and Isaac " and one was addressed to " Kelly and the dog that I love . " How cute is that ? I don 't think I 've posted this update yet . Isaac 's program finally did receive the check from the church that did the fundraiser back in September . It took nearly three months for them to forward the money . I 'm grateful to everyone that donated and to those that organized and ran the fundraiser . I think it 's a shame that those in charge didn 't do their part in a timely manner and that they responded in a kind of rude way when questioned or asked to do what they should have done anyway . But whatever . The money finally made it to the right place . A big thanks to my friend Traci for following up with the church for me . Without her , I think I 'd still be waiting for the money to arrive . I have an appointment with my primary care physician tomorrow to talk about my increased pain and what to do about it . I feel incredibly anxious about it . Part of the anxiety is the fear that he won 't believe I 'm in this much pain and won 't want to do anything about it . Part of it is that I don 't know what I want to do about it . I like going to the doctor with a plan . Which is maybe sort of silly , but I usually have an idea of what 's wrong with me and what I want to do about it . You know , if I have a very sore throat and a fever , I want a strep test and , if it 's positive , an antibiotic . Or I have a list of blood tests I want , and then if my B12 level is low , I want a script for B12 shots . But I don 't know what I want now . I spent some time looking online for pain management specialists . I read lists of treatments they offered , like epidural steroid injections and nerve blocks . I 've tried those things and they provided some temporary relief but it didn 't really last long enough . But also , those things aren 't really options for me now because they sedate you for the procedures and you have to have someone to drive you home . For some of the procedures , you 're supposed to take it easy for a day or two afterward . I don 't have anyone to drive me and I can 't take it any easier than I already do , because there is no one else to do things for me that need to be done . But then I thought , if I go in there and start saying oh no , I can 't do this and I can 't do that , they are going to think I am being difficult and that I just want drugs . Which isn 't true . I mean , I 'd love a pill that made the pain go away . But I don 't want to become addicted to pain meds and I also don 't want meds that make me too drowsy . I can 't take a pill that knocks me out all day . I have to take the dog out and feed the cat and stuff . Most of the pain management specialists seem to require a referral from your primary care doctor , but I don 't even know if I want a referral . I don 't know if I want to see a pain management specialist . I don 't know what I want . I just want the pain to stop . I know I 've mentioned how much I hate asking for help . Well , about a week ago , I needed to do a load of laundry and I had enough quarters for the washing machine but was one quarter short of having enough for the dryer . I spent some time searching for one more quarter , in the bottom of my purse , under the seats in my car , everywhere I could think to look , but could not find one . I thought of going out in the bad weather to an ATM machine , withdrawing $ 10 ( and paying a fee for using an ATM at a bank where I did not have an account ) , and going to the grocery store to see if they would give me some quarters . I thought of just washing my stuff and hanging it up all over my apartment to dry . I also thought of asking one of my neighbors if they had a quarter ( I had nickles and dimes , just no quarters ) , but that seems a lot like asking for help , and I didn 't want to . But I finally did . And of course , she gave me a quarter . And it was so much easier than going to the ATM and then to the grocery store , so much easier than having wet laundry hung up all over the place to dry . And tonight , I asked a friend if he could stop on his way home from work and bring me a gallon of milk . I hated asking for that . But it is freezing out , it 's snowy , the roads are kind of icy still , and my back hurts . To go out to the store , I would have had to scrape ice off my car windows , which is hard on my back . The cold makes my joints hurt . I just really , really didn 't want to go out . I need some stuff from the store , but I figured if I just had someone to bring me some milk , I could have a protein shake for dinner and another for breakfast in the morning and I can figure out getting to the store in another day or two . So I asked . And I got milk . About a week ago , I was in the kitchen making my morning protein shake . I poured a glass of milk , added calcium citrate powder and Miralax , and was getting ready to add the vanilla protein powder - and I knocked over the glass . Spilled milk all over the counter . Luckily it didn 't get on the floor , so it wasn 't too hard to clean it up . What 's notable about this is that I didn 't get too upset about spilling the milk . Normally , a little thing like this sets off this whole downward spiral for me . I get angry at myself . I start thinking about how I always mess things up . I would feel guilty about wasting the milk , and also the calcium citrate powder and the Miralax , because I can 't afford to waste stuff like that . I would think about how stupid and clumsy I am . These kinds of thoughts would just spiral out of control and the whole day would be ruined . And this time , that just didn 't happen . I cleaned up the milk . I made another protein shake . I took some anxiety medication and I got on with my day . This probably sounds like a silly little thing , but it really was a victory . This is not news to me , of course . But I 've just been realizing lately how much he enjoys working . I 've had some days lately when I have not felt well . I 've been tired , and depressed , and in pain . I don 't do much on those days . And Isaac gets bored . He gets restless . He bugs me , wanting treats , wanting to play , wanting to go outside . Making sure he gets enough exercise , like going for runs three times a week with the dog walker , helps . Making sure he has time to socialize with people , like our neighbors when we see them in the lobby of the building , helps , too . But so does making sure he has work to do . Lately I 've been having Isaac do some tasks even when I don 't really need him to do them , just because it seems to make him happy . For instance , Isaac can open the refrigerator for me . I don 't need him to do that , I am perfectly capable of opening the fridge myself . But he opens it by tugging on a braided fleece rope attached to the handle , and it 's good for him to practice his " tug " command , because I use that command with him for other things , too . And he likes doing it . His tail wags and he looks really happy every time he opens the fridge . So during the day , when I want to get a drink or when I am cooking or putting groceries away , I have Isaac open the fridge for me . I have been having Isaac turn on lights for the same reason . He likes it and it 's practice for him . Sometimes I need him to do that task , but even when I could do it myself , I 've been having Isaac do it most of the time . I love it that Isaac loves to work . Today I did a load of laundry and as he was taking the clothes out of the dryer for me , his tail was wagging so hard . It kept hitting the washing machine that was behind him . Thump thump thump , the whole time he was getting the clothes out for me . He was just so happy to be helping . While I have a hard time asking for help , I usually do not have a hard time offering to help others . And I usually like it when friends ask me to help them . I can 't always help everyone , I can 't always offer whatever someone needs , but when I can help , I like to do so . It hurts my feelings sometimes , though , when people decline my offers of help . I realize that when you offer to help someone with something , they may not accept that help for a variety of reasons . Logically , rationally , I know that most of the time , it probably has nothing to do with me personally . I still end up feeling rejected , though . I start thinking of how much I wish there was someone to help me with things like whatever it is I am offering to help with and I don 't understand why they wouldn 't want my help . I realize how messed up that probably is . If I 'm offering to help someone , it should be about them . Not about me . Not about what I would want help with . A couple months ago , I had a friend that was going through a difficult time . She needed to see a doctor and was stressed out about it . I offered to go with her . She didn 't want me to . I was confused and hurt . You know how hard it was for me to find someone to go with me to the hospital when I had surgery to remove the lump in my breast ? More recently , when I had to have oral surgery to remove that broken tooth , I went alone , which meant I couldn 't be sedated for the procedure , because there was no one to go with me . I had a friend that had agreed to go and then backed out at the last minute . When I had to get a follow up mammogram ( follow up from the biopsy ) earlier this week , I didn 't even try to get anyone to go with me . I didn 't even know who to ask that might possibly be willing to do it . So it 's hard for me to imagine why my friend was so adamantly opposed to me going with her . Maybe it wasn 't about me . Maybe she wouldn 't have wanted anyone to go . I don 't want to post private details about her on the internet without her permission , so I 'm not going to say what she needed to see a doctor for . But she was anxious about it and she had been feeling pretty depressed and I thought it would make her feel better to have someone go with her . I thought it would make her feel better to have me go with her . But she didn 't want me to . And there could be lots of reasons why she didn 't want me to go with her . Maybe she just wanted to be alone , maybe she felt it was too private to share with me , who knows . She didn 't explain why and I didn 't press her for a reason . She didn 't even have to have a reason . It 's OK to say no for any reason at all . I believe that . More recently , a friend had surgery and is therefore somewhat limited mobility - wise . She recently posted on Facebook asking who wanted to volunteer to come help her with someone . Again , I 'm not giving details because I don 't have her permission to post personal stuff about her on my blog . Several people responded by saying they would help if they lived closer to her . I replied and said I would be happy to do it for her and to help with anything else she needed . She replied by thanking me but saying she didn 't really need help . Well . . . . OK . Why post saying you needed help if you didn 't ? I mean , I know I 've posted on Facebook before , saying something like , " Who wants to come clean my bathroom for me ? " and I don 't really expect anyone to say , " I 'd love to , I 'll be right over . " But if someone did ? I 'd say , " Great ! I 'll put on some coffee . " Would she have accepted the offer if it had come from someone else ? I don 't know . Do you know how much I would have loved to have someone come walk Isaac for me after my breast biopsy ? The friend that went to the hospital with me took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription for pain meds , then took me home , then left . No one even called me to see how I was doing or ask if I needed anything . No one asked if I needed anything from the store or if they could take Isaac out for me or anything . But maybe other people don 't need help with any of that stuff . Maybe that 's why they don 't want my help with me . Maybe they just don 't need that kind of help . And maybe that 's why I have trouble finding someone to help me with those things . Maybe no one offers to do those things for me because it 's not something most people would need help with . Maybe I just need or want too much help . I don 't know . It has occurred to me that I haven 't written much lately about trips to various places with Isaac . The reason for that is that no much of interest happens these days . I get the usual questions about whether I am training Isaac for a disabled person , I say no , he 's already trained , Isaac does his job , and we go home . Not much new to report . Isaac behaves well , which is wonderful , but after blogging about how nicely he lay on the floor under the table in a restaurant so many times , I kind of get bored writing about it and I imagine it gets a bit boring to read about , too . In the dog food aisle , I had to remind him a couple times not to sniff the big bags of food . I remember when I first got Isaac , the first time I took him down the dog food aisle at the grocery store , I could hardly pull him away from all the food and treats he wanted to sniff . For a long time after that , we avoided the dog food aisle . Now , he takes a couple sniffs , I tell him to leave it , he leaves it . A man at the store today approached Isaac , reached out to pet him , asking as he was reaching for him , " Is it OK to pet him ? " I said , " No . Not when he 's working . " I didn 't hesitate to say no . I used to feel uncomfortable telling people no when they wanted to pet him . Isaac was looking happy at the prospect of being petted but behaved himself . He didn 't try to jump on the man and he stayed beside me . He followed me readily when I told him to come . Near the end of our shopping trip , I accidentally dropped my shopping list on the floor . Without thinking about it , I told Isaac to get it . He was busy watching another shopper in the aisle , but he picked up the paper when I told him to . It 's only been recently that telling Isaac to get something is my first instinct when I drop something . In the past , even when Isaac was with me , my first instinct would be to bend over and get it myself . I had to think about it to have Isaac do those things for me . I also recall a time in the grocery store when I dropped my wallet and told Isaac to get it and he absolutely would not . We were in line to pay and he was busy watching other customers and completely ignored me . After I told him to get it three or four times , I ended up picking it up myself . I was embarrassed and angry . Today , Isaac happily picked up the list for me . He got an ear rub and an enthusiastic , " Good boy ! You are the smartest , best dog ever . " |
I 'm trying to make a list of all the commands Isaac knows . I might be missing a few , but these are what I 've got so far . He knows a lot ! Stay - obviously , means stay . He also has a hand signal that means stay . Wait - means stay there for a minute , like waiting until the elevator door is completely open to exit the elevator . Unload - means get out of the car . OK - releases him to do whatever it is he wants to do , like if he is sitting and waiting for his dinner , OK means now it 's all right to eat . We also play a game where I toss a treat and he waits until I say OK to go get it . Get phone - means get my phone and bring it to me . Get it - pick up whatever I am pointing at and give it to me . Frequently , but not always , he will also pick up something if I drop it without being told . Also , if he knocks something on the floor , like if he 's wagging his tail and it knocks my mouse off the arm of the couch , he will often pick it up and give it to me without being told . He also knows the names of some of his toys , so if I say " Get the Kong " or " Get the pickle " or " Get the stick bone " he knows what to get . Tug - means tug on the rope , like to open the fridge . If pointing at my foot , it means take off my sock ( tug it off ) . We are still working on the sock thing . Getting the sock without biting my toes is a bit tricky . It 's not time yet - this is what I say when Isaac gets up way too early . It means I am not taking you outside yet , it 's not time to get up . I say , " It 's not time yet " and he goes back to bed . Leave it - means leave it alone , whatever " it " is . If he is trying to sniff Cayenne and I say " leave it , " it means leave her alone , get away from her . If we are on a walk and he stops to investigate some sort of food on the ground , " leave it " means don 't touch that , keep on walking . Find the car - this is supposed to mean lead me to the car . We haven 't worked on it much in a while and he 's not real good at it , although the other day he actually did it . I was impressed . We should work on it more . Paws up - means put his paws on my lap . We are still working on this one . It will also mean put his paws on someone else 's lap if I say it while pointing at someone else . Isaac is such a sweetie . I usually use my laptop when I 'm sitting on the couch and I keep my mouse on the arm of the couch . Sometimes Isaac knocks it off and when he does , he picks it up for me . Well , this morning , Isaac was in my bed sleeping and I was on the couch with my laptop and I knocked the mouse off the arm of the couch . Isaac heard it hit the floor and he got up out of bed , come out to the living room , picked up the mouse and gave it to me , then went back to bed . How sweet In the service dog world , people often refer to a service dog handler and a service dog as a team . For instance , instead of saying , " Today I met another service dog handler and service dog , " they will say , " Today I met another service dog team . " I understood why they would use that word , or at least I thought I did , but before today , I wouldn 't say I felt it myself . When I thought about my relationship with Isaac , there have been many different ways I might describe it , but teamwork wasn 't one that came to mind . Earlier today , I was throwing Isaac 's Kong for him . We probably spend a good hour a day , or more , playing fetch with his Kong . Well , it bounced behind the Christmas tree . Isaac started to crawl under the tree to get it and the tree began to tilt dangerously and I thought the whole thing was going to come crashing down . I guess Isaac thought so , too , because he backed out from under the tree . And it didn 't fall . Isaac then looked back at me . It was as if he was saying , " Well , what am I supposed to do now ? " I love the way animals figure out how to communicate with us and we learn to communicate with them . I think they learn our language more than we learn theirs , at least in most cases . But it 's interesting . I remember once when I was visiting my sister , she was out somewhere and I was at her house alone , and her cat decided it was time for dinner . The cat very clearly announced to me that it was her dinner time and I should feed her right away . I didn 't even know that cat very well but she got her point across . And on Thanksgiving , when K 's mom was walking Isaac for me , he managed to talk her into feeding him a whole extra meal . He 's only seen her a few times before and yet , he was able to communicate with her . That 's just fascinating to me . Of course , Isaac and I know each other well by now . I can often tell what he 's thinking . I know when he wants to go out , I know when he needs to poop , I know when he is thinking about taking off after a squirrel , I know when he is considering eating the cat 's food . So anyway . Today when he looked at me , looked at the Kong , and looked back at me , I knew he was asking what he should do . If I had told him to get the Kong , he would have gone back under the tree and retrieved his toy . I didn 't tell him to do that , though , because I didn 't not want his to knock the tree over and I didn 't think he could get the Kong without toppling the tree . Instead , I got up and walked over to the tree . I think he thought I was coming to rescue the Kong for him , which is what I do when it lands someplace he cannot get to it , like under the bed . I didn 't want to get down on the floor , though , because I knew I would have a hard time getting back up . Instead , I held onto the tree to steady it and then told Isaac to get the Kong . He looked a little bit uncertain , like he wasn 't sure I was going to keep the tree from falling , but decided to take my word for it and go get his Kong . There is a point to this story . I was reflecting on how well we had communicated with each other around this event . But it was more than just communication . Isaac wasn 't sure how to get his Kong and he looked to me for an answer . I decided to hold the tree so it didn 't tip over instead of getting the Kong for him and communicated that plan to Isaac . He had a moment of worry that the tree would fall , then decided to trust me to hold it . We were working as a team to solve the problem of the Kong under the tree . You know how medical professionals always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten ? I hate that because for me , it 's like the pain in what part of my body ? And when ? Because they usually ask me that while I am sitting in a chair or lying on the exam table and not moving . Right this minute , I am sitting comfortably on my couch and only moving my fingers as I type . So at this moment , I would say the pain in my back is a level two , the pain in my right elbow is a level four , and the pain in my left knee is a level three . However , if I move my right arm to pick up the drink that is on the end table beside me and lift it to my mouth to drink , the pain in my right elbow would probably shoot up to a nine or ten . If I stood up , the pain in my back would probably shoot up to a ten while I am moving , and the pain in my left knee would probably shoot up to an eight . But once I was on my feet for a minute , the pain in my back would probably decrease to a six or seven . So which pain level do they want when they ask that question ? I 'm not Christian but I do celebrate Christmas in some ways . I have a Christmas tree because I like it . I like decorating it , I like looking at it at night when it 's dark and the lights of the tree are on . I exchange gift with a few people . I send Christmas cards because I like touching base with people that way and because I like receiving cards . Yes , I cooked them breakfast . I know , it 's silly . But it was fun . Cayenne picked all the little bits of hot dog out of hers and left most of the egg on the plate . So Isaac finished it for her . He was disappointed that I did not share my French toast with him . Of course , he was done with his breakfast before I even made it out of the kitchen . I think I 've written before about body memories , more specifically about having the sensation of my arms being stapled like they were in the emergency room . Body memories seem to be pretty common among people with PTSD . I tried to do some research on how to deal with them but could not find much . So I ended up writing an article on the subject . How to Deal with Body Memories When You Have PTSD At the park , this guy stopped to talk to Isaac and then he told me how he used to have a lab and that lab liked to jump up on people like Isaac sometimes does . However , he said , he cured his dog of that . When the dog would put her paws up on him , he would stop on her toes . I guess he meant the dog put her front feet on him and he stepped on her back toes . I don 't see how he could step on her front toes if they were on his chest . I mean , how does one step on one 's own chest ? Unless one is very skilled at yoga or something . When he walked on , I assured Isaac that no one would be stepping on his toes . Isaac did not look at all concerned . He cannot imagine someone stepping on his toes on purpose . After all , he believes the world is a good place , full of good people , people that love him and want to be his friends . As far as I know , there have been only two times in his life that someone was mean to him . Unless you count giving him a bath or clipping his toenails as being mean . I think Isaac might count those things as being mean . But other than that , I can think of two mean things . One was the time I used a spray bottle of water to squirt him in the face when he was barking excessively . I did that on the advice of a dog trainer . Isaac looked so shocked and offended and like his feelings were terribly hurt . I felt so guilty . The other mean thing was when Mike 's cat Indigo swatted Isaac on the nose because he kept trying to sniff her and she did not wish to be sniffed . Again Isaac was horrified and shocked . He ran to me for comfort . Actually , he came to me for comfort when I squirted him with the water , too . That made me feel even more guilty . Isaac is just certain everyone wants to be his friend . He loves everyone and if he doesn 't know someone , he is sure he will love them . He greets strangers like long lost friends . He firmly believes everyone wants to pet him . He believes everyone will love him . The park we went to was a new one for Isaac . He 'd never been there before . And yet , he bounded out of the car as soon as I had his leash on him , full of enthusiasm for wherever we were going and whatever we were going to do . He is sure whatever we do will be fun . Good things will happen wherever we go . I love that about him . A couple days ago , I received a package via UPS from a good friend . She 'd told me to expect a package , but I wasn 't expecting so much stuff . There were gifts for me , for Isaac and for Cayenne . I was cracking up because you know how little kids sometimes have more fun with the box than with the gift in the box ? Well , Isaac was thrilled to death to see the UPS guy . Of course , Isaac loves everyone , but still . . . He feels he and the UPS guy have some sort of special bond . You could ship Isaac an empty box and just seeing the UPS guy would be treat enough for Isaac . Isaac was , however , also thrilled at the contents of the box , which included a squeaky toy ( which I have yet to present to him , but I am sure he will disembowel it quickly to remove the squeaker , but that 's how he likes to play with squeaky toys ) , two rawhide bones and some milk bones . I showed him the two rawhide bones and he quickly selected the one that I think was beef flavored . Here he is , devouring it . Cayenne got some cat treats , which she loved . Isaac was disappointed when I refused to give him some of Cayenne 's treats . Cayenne was disappointed when I refused to give her more cat treats . I only gave her a couple at a time because I don 't want her to puke on my couch . She did not seem to appreciate my concerns for the welfare of the sofa , however . Cayenne also got a couple of kitty toys . She is not very playful these days , but you know , she didn 't play with toys all that much when she was younger . She has been a bit more active lately , though , so maybe she will play a little bit . Later , I had all the wrapping paper and packaging in the box everything came in and it was sitting on the living room floor . Isaac kept digging through the box and removing the paper and stuff , checking to make sure I hadn 't overlooked any treats . It was cute . Another friend of mine got me an electric blanket . I really wanted one and it 's something I would have bought for myself if money hadn 't been so tight the last couple of months . Heat is probably the thing that helps my pain the most . I have a heating pad but it 's small . Sometimes I sit here moving it around , leaving it on one area for ten minutes , then moving it to another area . I used it a little yesterday and I really like it . Unfortunately , it has been really hot in my apartment the last two days . This afternoon , I had my heat off ( it 's been off for two days ) and all the windows open ( they have also been open for two days , except I had to close them for a few hours in the middle of the night when it was super windy and raining in ) and it was 75 degrees in here . I actually considered turning on the air conditioning , which seems ridiculous in late December . It has been warmer than usually that last couple days , but still , who turns on the AC when it 's 54 degrees out ? I have no idea why it 's so hot in here , but I would enjoy my electric blanket a lot more if it wasn 't so hot . I discovered something interesting as I was lying under the warm blanket , though . It reminds me of my grandma . When I was a kid , I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and my grandmother also had an electric blanket on her bed in the winter . My blanket is nicer than the one she had , though . It 's much softer , almost velvety . Cayenne loves it , whether it 's actually turned on or not . I had a lot talk with her about not peeing or hacking up hairballs on it . Due to some rude or otherwise inappropriate comments posted anonymously , I decided to change the settings on my blog so that I must approved comments before they post . I considered changing the settings to disallow anonymous comments but I don 't really want to require people to sign up for a Google ID in order to comment . I really enjoy most of the comments I receive and I like being able to interact with readers of my blog . Unfortunately , a few people seem to enjoy posting inappropriate or offensive things on blogs . I don 't think this is a problem unique to me , I 've heard other bloggers talk about it , too . So anyway , for now at least , your comments will not show up until I 've approved them . I read through my blog posts from last December because I thought I would have written about this , but I guess I didn 't . This time last year was a crazy , stressful time for me . I guess I just never got around to blogging about this particular event . Last year at Christmas time , I met a good friend for lunch at Panera . We planned to have lunch , to talk and to exchange gifts . She lives about three hours away from me , so we were meeting about midway . I 'd only had Isaac for about a month , but I 'd taken him to a few restaurants and he 'd done OK at them . He did not do well at Panera that day , though . As soon as my friend and I got our food and sat down , he started to bark . I couldn 't get him to stop . I even took him outside in case he needed to go potty , but I don 't think that was what he was barking about . To this day , I don 't know why he was barking . I just know that I had to cut my lunch , and my visit with my friend , short because I had an out - of - control , disruptive service dog . It was really cold that day , too cold to just leave him in the car while I ate . I was really mad at him . Well , today I met the same friend at the same Panera to have lunch and exchange gifts . Isaac was so well - behaved . The difference was like night and day . I got there before my friend , so Isaac and I waited in the entryway for her to arrive . While we were waiting , a number of people went by us , either coming into the restaurant or leaving the restaurant . One middle - aged man howled at Isaac . Howled . Like a wolf or something . That was a new one for me . I 've had people bark and I 've had people meow . But this was the first howl . And one woman stopped to do some baby talk at Isaac . Isaac ignored both the howler and the baby talker , though . My friend got there , we ordered our food and got our drinks and found a table . Isaac went right under the table . He lay down with his head on my foot and slept until we were ready to leave . When we got up to go , and he came out from under the table , a couple of people seated nearby exclaimed , " There 's a dog ! Look , it 's a dog ! " They hadn 't known he was under there , because he was doing what he was supposed to do . I imagine last year , everyone in the whole place knew there was a dog there , because he barked pretty loudly . I sent Christmas cards to all four of my nephews . I did last year , too . I didn 't expect to get cards from them , because they are kids and they are boys . Well , I guess two of them aren 't technically kids anymore , one is a Marine and the other has finished high school , but they are still like teenagers . I don 't expect them to send me Christmas cards . But I send cards to them . My youngest nephew , I think he 's in second grade now , loves to get mail . I used to send him coloring pages and stuff a lot . I was sure he would like to get a card , and I 'm not sure if the older boys care about getting cards or not , but I wasn 't going to send one kid a card and not send cards to the others . So they all got cards . But I got one today from my youngest nephew . My sister addressed the envelope for him . I think sending me a card was probably his idea , not hers . He wrote the message inside the card himself . I don 't think he even asked for help with spelling words , because there were a couple of things misspelled . Isaac looked concerned and came over for a hug . Then he looked around , spotted his Nylabone toy that looks like a stick , and happily pounced on it . Yes , sometimes Isaac pounces on toys . Much like a cat . Only much bigger . It 's cute . He brought me the toy . He often thinks a toy of some sort will cheer me up . He 's usually right . Two years ago , I got to spend Christmas at my sister 's . It was so much fun being with my little nephew then . He had some " reindeer food " to sprinkle outside in the yard for Santa 's reindeer . It was really oatmeal with a little glitter mixed it . I took him outside to sprinkle the reindeer food . Christmas is just magical for little kids . I liked being there for that . Yesterday I was watching Master Chef online and the cooks were preparing lunch for a bunch of surfers and at the end , the surfers were supposed to vote for which team they thought made the best fish tacos . And , ick , but who ever thought fish should go on a taco ? But anyway , to vote , the surfers stood on one surfboard and then jumped onto either the red board or the blue board , to indicate which team 's tacos they liked best . And the thought occurred to me that I would have trouble just stepping up onto the first surfboard , let alone jumping onto another . But they were all doing it easily . Also , for some reason , the other day I was thinking about my old apartment when I lived in Cincinnati . I had this really awesome apartment in a really old building . But there were three stairs up to the front door and there was no railing . I had a friend that has multiple sclerosis and she had a hard time going up those stairs and an even harder time going down them . I didn 't have any trouble , but it occurred to me that now I would . Especially in the winter , if there was snow or ice on the steps . I am just feeling really frustrated today about all the things I cannot do or that are really difficult for me to do that should be easy . I have to do a load of laundry today . Have to , because I have no more clean towels for Cayenne the Incontinent Cat to pee on . She goes through a lot of towels . At least two a day , sometimes more . That means I do a lot of laundry . But doing laundry is difficult for me , even with Isaac to help . Sometimes I am able to carry a basket of laundry to the laundry room . Sometimes I am not . If I can 't carry it , I have to go downstairs in the elevator , get the cart that is kept in the laundry room , take that back upstairs , put my laundry in the cart , and take it back down to the laundry room . Sometimes I am able to just bend over and pick up the basket of laundry from the floor and put it in the cart . Sometimes I am not . Then Isaac has to pick up each article of clothing , one by one , and give them to me to put in the cart . When it 's time to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer , I have some difficulty reaching the items in the bottom of the washing machines . That 's not something Isaac can do for me . If I accidentally drop an item on the floor , he picks it up for me , though . Then when the clothes are done drying , I have to wait about ten minutes for the dryer to cool down a little so Isaac can get the clothes out for me . When the dryer stops , the inside of it is very hot . I don 't want Isaac to burn his feet on it , and neither does he . So I have to wait for it to cool down . Then I have to bend over to clean the lint out of the lint tray , because that 's not something Isaac can do . Then it 's finally time for Isaac to unload the dryer for me . He almost always pulls out one item at a time , so it can take a while for him to get everything . All of this makes doing laundry take a lot longer than it would take a " normal " person . And even with Isaac 's help , there is some bending , reaching and lifting involved , which causes pain . It 's frustrating . My doctor got the results of my blood tests and x - rays . He said the x - rays showed degenerative disk disease , which was no surprise because I 'd been told I had that before . He said the blood work was all normal so he does not think I have rheumatoid arthritis . So now he is thinking it 's fibromyalgia and wants to refer me to a rheumatologist . Which is probably a good idea , but that means seeing a different doctor that I don 't know , which makes me really anxious . Edited to add : I Googled the rheumatologist my PCP said he would refer me to . She has a LOT of bad reviews online . Only a couple good ones . Most people say she doesn 't listen to them , is rude , and does not take the time to explain things . That is totally the opposite of what I want in a doctor ! Most people say they would not recommend her to family or friends . However , my friend Google also gave me the name of another doctor in the same area , who does have plenty of good reviews . People say he listens to them and spends plenty of time with them . I think tomorrow I will be calling my PCP 's office to explain why I will not be seeing the rheumatologist they suggested and seeing this other guy instead . Posted by Thursday when I saw my doctor , he instructed me to increase my Flexeril to three times a day and my Tramadol to four times a day , instead of just taking it as needed . When I was taking it as needed , I didn 't take it every time I felt pain because I have pain all the time . I took the Tramadol when the pain was really bad . I took the Flexeril when I had a lot of muscle spasm . I filled a script for 60 Flexeril last February and still have four of them left when I saw my doctor . That 's how often I took it . And on a really bad day , I might have taken the Tramadol three times , but most days I only took it once or maybe twice . I worried about running out , about not having enough , about being without pain meds when the pain got really bad . So I tried not to take the meds unless I really , really had to . Well , yesterday I realized I was having far fewer muscle spasms than I had been having . I think I had spasms just two times yesterday . I haven 't had any so far today . And today I notice I 'm not in as much pain . I still hurt , but not nearly as bad . I 've been sleeping a lot . I think the amount of meds is making me drowsy . I don 't care , though . I 'm just glad to have some relief from the pain . Over the last two years , I 've made big efforts to be more green . You know , eco - friendly . Earth friendly . I 've done things like starting using cloth napkins instead of paper napkins , cloth rags instead of paper towels , and cloth wipes instead of toilet paper . I now make my own laundry detergent , cleaning products and toilet paper . I take my own cloth bags to the grocery store , etc . It was just a follow up from her appointment about a month ago . She was supposed to have a follow up in two weeks but for various reasons , I kept postponing it . So she finally went today . On the way there , she peed and pooped in her carrier . So it was a stinky trip . I tried to clean her up as best I could when we got to the vet , but because she 'd sat in her poop , it was all matted in her fur and I couldn 't get her very clean . Poor girl . I know it 's not her fault . I think the stress of riding in the car makes her poop . She pooped on the way home last time she went to the vet . The vet wanted to test her urine but wasn 't able to since she didn 't have any urine in her bladder since she 'd peed on the way there . She said I could schedule another appointment just for a urine check and that she wouldn 't charge me for the office visit then , just for the urine check . But the trip to the vet is so stressful for Cayenne , I don 't think I 'm going to do it unless she needs to go for something else or shows symptoms of a urinary tract infection or something . Everything else looked good at this appointment , including the ulcerations on the lumps on her belly . Her weight is still good ; she has lost three ounces since her last appointment , and I 'm guessing peeing and pooping right before she was weighed could account for those three ounces . Her ears look good , her teeth look OK , her lungs sound clear . The lumps haven 't grown any . This was not Cayenne 's usual vet , he had to have some sort of surgery and is off work for a few weeks , which is one of the reasons the appointment got postponed , but we 've seen the other vet in the practice before and I like her a lot . She hadn 't seen Cayenne since these new lumps occurred , though , so she couldn 't say if they 'd grown or not . I can 't tell they haven 't , though . I feel them regularly to see if they are any bigger or otherwise different . They haven 't grown since the last appointment . I told the vet how Cayenne had been more active since starting the anti - inflammatory medication . She just took the last of it a two days ago . The vet said she probably did have some arthritis that was causing some pain or discomfort and that one of the ways they actually diagnose arthritis in cats is to try them on an anti - inflammatory and if it seems to help , then they might assume the cause of the cat 's symptoms were due to arthritis , since of course cats can 't describe their discomfort to you . I 've assumed for a while that Cayenne has some arthritis in her knees and / or hips because over the last couple of years she has seemed to have more and more difficulty jumping up on things and has become more and more reluctant to jump very high . More recently , she 's seemed reluctant to jump off things , too , at least if they are higher than the couch . Anyway , the vet said we can keep her on the anti - inflammatory since it seems to be helping her , so I am happy about that . When we got home , Cayenne had to have a bath , which she did not like one bit . If you 've ever tried to bathe a cat , you know how difficult it can be . After her bath , she hid under the couch for a while . She has recovered now , though , and is sound asleep next to me . I was super anxious about going but the appointment went well , I think . My doctor seemed to take my pain seriously , which I appreciated . He asked me , on a scale of one to 10 , where was my pain and I told him , honestly , if giving birth with no pain meds and no epidural was a 9 . 5 on that scale , my pain lately has been about a 12 or 13 . He seemed suitably impressed . He thinks I might have rheumatoid arthritis or possibly fibromyalgia . He seems to be leaning more toward the RA while I think it 's more likely fibro . At this point I don 't really care which it is , or if it 's something else , though . I just want a diagnosis so I don 't feel like it 's all in my head or that other people will think it 's all in my head and so that we can formulate a treatment plan . He ordered some blood tests to check for antibodies that would suggest RA and some x - rays of my back . He said he will probably want an MRI of my back but that he would order x - rays first because my insurance probably would not want to pay for an MRI unless I had x - rays first and those were inconclusive . My last MRI was about 18 months ago and I told him I had it on a disk but he said my back has probably changed since then so he thought some current images were warranted . I plan to get the blood work and the x - rays done Monday and then I will see him a few days after that . In the meantime , he suggested increasing my Tramadol , which I take for pain , and my Flexeril , which is a muscle relaxer , and taking them on a regular schedule instead of just as needed . He prescribed Tramadol four times a day and Flexeril three times a day . It 's probably too soon to tell how much that will help but I think I have had fewer muscle spasms today . I , on the other hand , have been a very good kitty . You should bring me a lot of presents . Here is my list of what I want . 1 . Cheese . Lots of cheese . Any kind . A variety pack of some sort would be nice . Shredded cheese is best since it requires less chewing . 2 . Ice cream . Mommy says chocolate is not good for kitties . Is that true ? If it is , then any flavor other than chocolate would be fine . If she 's just making that up , then some chocolate ice cream would be fine , too . I have been a very good doggie all year . Except for the seven or eight times I chased the deer ( but they were not reindeer , I promise I wouldn 't chase those ) , the three or four times I ate the cat 's food , and the other day when I rolled in the mud . I just couldn 't resist . But mostly I have been a good dog . My mommy has been telling people I want treats , a treat dispensing ball , and some beef bones for Christmas and I would like all those things . If you are planning to bring them , please do . But there are some other things I really , really want . I made you a list . 1 . Cat food . I know I shouldn 't eat the cat 's food but it smells so yummy . It smells and tastes a lot better than my kibble . So I would really like to have some cat food of my own . 2 . Cat poop . I know my mommy doesn 't like me to eat it but I don 't know why . Like cat food , it smells and tastes yummy . 3 . Cat barf . It 's not quite as good as cat poop but I still like it a lot . 4 . A kitty friend . The kitty we have does not like me even though I love her and have tried hard to be her friend . Can I please get another ? 5 . McDonald 's bags . Sometimes I find these in the ditch alongside the road on walks and I love them . They are fun to sniff , to lick , to stick my head into , and to carry home with me . I especially love the ones with old French fries in the bottom . White Castle , Taco Bell and Burger King bags are also nice . 6 . Mud in which to roll . Or poop . I like rolling in that , too . If it 's not too much trouble , could you bring me some of each ? 7 . Hot dogs . They are the best food ever . I need a lot of them . Pretty please . Sincerely , live in my building . One was addressed to " Apartment 205 , " one was addressed to " Kelly and Isaac " and one was addressed to " Kelly and the dog that I love . " How cute is that ? I don 't think I 've posted this update yet . Isaac 's program finally did receive the check from the church that did the fundraiser back in September . It took nearly three months for them to forward the money . I 'm grateful to everyone that donated and to those that organized and ran the fundraiser . I think it 's a shame that those in charge didn 't do their part in a timely manner and that they responded in a kind of rude way when questioned or asked to do what they should have done anyway . But whatever . The money finally made it to the right place . A big thanks to my friend Traci for following up with the church for me . Without her , I think I 'd still be waiting for the money to arrive . I have an appointment with my primary care physician tomorrow to talk about my increased pain and what to do about it . I feel incredibly anxious about it . Part of the anxiety is the fear that he won 't believe I 'm in this much pain and won 't want to do anything about it . Part of it is that I don 't know what I want to do about it . I like going to the doctor with a plan . Which is maybe sort of silly , but I usually have an idea of what 's wrong with me and what I want to do about it . You know , if I have a very sore throat and a fever , I want a strep test and , if it 's positive , an antibiotic . Or I have a list of blood tests I want , and then if my B12 level is low , I want a script for B12 shots . But I don 't know what I want now . I spent some time looking online for pain management specialists . I read lists of treatments they offered , like epidural steroid injections and nerve blocks . I 've tried those things and they provided some temporary relief but it didn 't really last long enough . But also , those things aren 't really options for me now because they sedate you for the procedures and you have to have someone to drive you home . For some of the procedures , you 're supposed to take it easy for a day or two afterward . I don 't have anyone to drive me and I can 't take it any easier than I already do , because there is no one else to do things for me that need to be done . But then I thought , if I go in there and start saying oh no , I can 't do this and I can 't do that , they are going to think I am being difficult and that I just want drugs . Which isn 't true . I mean , I 'd love a pill that made the pain go away . But I don 't want to become addicted to pain meds and I also don 't want meds that make me too drowsy . I can 't take a pill that knocks me out all day . I have to take the dog out and feed the cat and stuff . Most of the pain management specialists seem to require a referral from your primary care doctor , but I don 't even know if I want a referral . I don 't know if I want to see a pain management specialist . I don 't know what I want . I just want the pain to stop . I know I 've mentioned how much I hate asking for help . Well , about a week ago , I needed to do a load of laundry and I had enough quarters for the washing machine but was one quarter short of having enough for the dryer . I spent some time searching for one more quarter , in the bottom of my purse , under the seats in my car , everywhere I could think to look , but could not find one . I thought of going out in the bad weather to an ATM machine , withdrawing $ 10 ( and paying a fee for using an ATM at a bank where I did not have an account ) , and going to the grocery store to see if they would give me some quarters . I thought of just washing my stuff and hanging it up all over my apartment to dry . I also thought of asking one of my neighbors if they had a quarter ( I had nickles and dimes , just no quarters ) , but that seems a lot like asking for help , and I didn 't want to . But I finally did . And of course , she gave me a quarter . And it was so much easier than going to the ATM and then to the grocery store , so much easier than having wet laundry hung up all over the place to dry . And tonight , I asked a friend if he could stop on his way home from work and bring me a gallon of milk . I hated asking for that . But it is freezing out , it 's snowy , the roads are kind of icy still , and my back hurts . To go out to the store , I would have had to scrape ice off my car windows , which is hard on my back . The cold makes my joints hurt . I just really , really didn 't want to go out . I need some stuff from the store , but I figured if I just had someone to bring me some milk , I could have a protein shake for dinner and another for breakfast in the morning and I can figure out getting to the store in another day or two . So I asked . And I got milk . About a week ago , I was in the kitchen making my morning protein shake . I poured a glass of milk , added calcium citrate powder and Miralax , and was getting ready to add the vanilla protein powder - and I knocked over the glass . Spilled milk all over the counter . Luckily it didn 't get on the floor , so it wasn 't too hard to clean it up . What 's notable about this is that I didn 't get too upset about spilling the milk . Normally , a little thing like this sets off this whole downward spiral for me . I get angry at myself . I start thinking about how I always mess things up . I would feel guilty about wasting the milk , and also the calcium citrate powder and the Miralax , because I can 't afford to waste stuff like that . I would think about how stupid and clumsy I am . These kinds of thoughts would just spiral out of control and the whole day would be ruined . And this time , that just didn 't happen . I cleaned up the milk . I made another protein shake . I took some anxiety medication and I got on with my day . This probably sounds like a silly little thing , but it really was a victory . This is not news to me , of course . But I 've just been realizing lately how much he enjoys working . I 've had some days lately when I have not felt well . I 've been tired , and depressed , and in pain . I don 't do much on those days . And Isaac gets bored . He gets restless . He bugs me , wanting treats , wanting to play , wanting to go outside . Making sure he gets enough exercise , like going for runs three times a week with the dog walker , helps . Making sure he has time to socialize with people , like our neighbors when we see them in the lobby of the building , helps , too . But so does making sure he has work to do . Lately I 've been having Isaac do some tasks even when I don 't really need him to do them , just because it seems to make him happy . For instance , Isaac can open the refrigerator for me . I don 't need him to do that , I am perfectly capable of opening the fridge myself . But he opens it by tugging on a braided fleece rope attached to the handle , and it 's good for him to practice his " tug " command , because I use that command with him for other things , too . And he likes doing it . His tail wags and he looks really happy every time he opens the fridge . So during the day , when I want to get a drink or when I am cooking or putting groceries away , I have Isaac open the fridge for me . I have been having Isaac turn on lights for the same reason . He likes it and it 's practice for him . Sometimes I need him to do that task , but even when I could do it myself , I 've been having Isaac do it most of the time . I love it that Isaac loves to work . Today I did a load of laundry and as he was taking the clothes out of the dryer for me , his tail was wagging so hard . It kept hitting the washing machine that was behind him . Thump thump thump , the whole time he was getting the clothes out for me . He was just so happy to be helping . While I have a hard time asking for help , I usually do not have a hard time offering to help others . And I usually like it when friends ask me to help them . I can 't always help everyone , I can 't always offer whatever someone needs , but when I can help , I like to do so . It hurts my feelings sometimes , though , when people decline my offers of help . I realize that when you offer to help someone with something , they may not accept that help for a variety of reasons . Logically , rationally , I know that most of the time , it probably has nothing to do with me personally . I still end up feeling rejected , though . I start thinking of how much I wish there was someone to help me with things like whatever it is I am offering to help with and I don 't understand why they wouldn 't want my help . I realize how messed up that probably is . If I 'm offering to help someone , it should be about them . Not about me . Not about what I would want help with . A couple months ago , I had a friend that was going through a difficult time . She needed to see a doctor and was stressed out about it . I offered to go with her . She didn 't want me to . I was confused and hurt . You know how hard it was for me to find someone to go with me to the hospital when I had surgery to remove the lump in my breast ? More recently , when I had to have oral surgery to remove that broken tooth , I went alone , which meant I couldn 't be sedated for the procedure , because there was no one to go with me . I had a friend that had agreed to go and then backed out at the last minute . When I had to get a follow up mammogram ( follow up from the biopsy ) earlier this week , I didn 't even try to get anyone to go with me . I didn 't even know who to ask that might possibly be willing to do it . So it 's hard for me to imagine why my friend was so adamantly opposed to me going with her . Maybe it wasn 't about me . Maybe she wouldn 't have wanted anyone to go . I don 't want to post private details about her on the internet without her permission , so I 'm not going to say what she needed to see a doctor for . But she was anxious about it and she had been feeling pretty depressed and I thought it would make her feel better to have someone go with her . I thought it would make her feel better to have me go with her . But she didn 't want me to . And there could be lots of reasons why she didn 't want me to go with her . Maybe she just wanted to be alone , maybe she felt it was too private to share with me , who knows . She didn 't explain why and I didn 't press her for a reason . She didn 't even have to have a reason . It 's OK to say no for any reason at all . I believe that . More recently , a friend had surgery and is therefore somewhat limited mobility - wise . She recently posted on Facebook asking who wanted to volunteer to come help her with someone . Again , I 'm not giving details because I don 't have her permission to post personal stuff about her on my blog . Several people responded by saying they would help if they lived closer to her . I replied and said I would be happy to do it for her and to help with anything else she needed . She replied by thanking me but saying she didn 't really need help . Well . . . . OK . Why post saying you needed help if you didn 't ? I mean , I know I 've posted on Facebook before , saying something like , " Who wants to come clean my bathroom for me ? " and I don 't really expect anyone to say , " I 'd love to , I 'll be right over . " But if someone did ? I 'd say , " Great ! I 'll put on some coffee . " Would she have accepted the offer if it had come from someone else ? I don 't know . Do you know how much I would have loved to have someone come walk Isaac for me after my breast biopsy ? The friend that went to the hospital with me took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription for pain meds , then took me home , then left . No one even called me to see how I was doing or ask if I needed anything . No one asked if I needed anything from the store or if they could take Isaac out for me or anything . But maybe other people don 't need help with any of that stuff . Maybe that 's why they don 't want my help with me . Maybe they just don 't need that kind of help . And maybe that 's why I have trouble finding someone to help me with those things . Maybe no one offers to do those things for me because it 's not something most people would need help with . Maybe I just need or want too much help . I don 't know . It has occurred to me that I haven 't written much lately about trips to various places with Isaac . The reason for that is that no much of interest happens these days . I get the usual questions about whether I am training Isaac for a disabled person , I say no , he 's already trained , Isaac does his job , and we go home . Not much new to report . Isaac behaves well , which is wonderful , but after blogging about how nicely he lay on the floor under the table in a restaurant so many times , I kind of get bored writing about it and I imagine it gets a bit boring to read about , too . In the dog food aisle , I had to remind him a couple times not to sniff the big bags of food . I remember when I first got Isaac , the first time I took him down the dog food aisle at the grocery store , I could hardly pull him away from all the food and treats he wanted to sniff . For a long time after that , we avoided the dog food aisle . Now , he takes a couple sniffs , I tell him to leave it , he leaves it . A man at the store today approached Isaac , reached out to pet him , asking as he was reaching for him , " Is it OK to pet him ? " I said , " No . Not when he 's working . " I didn 't hesitate to say no . I used to feel uncomfortable telling people no when they wanted to pet him . Isaac was looking happy at the prospect of being petted but behaved himself . He didn 't try to jump on the man and he stayed beside me . He followed me readily when I told him to come . Near the end of our shopping trip , I accidentally dropped my shopping list on the floor . Without thinking about it , I told Isaac to get it . He was busy watching another shopper in the aisle , but he picked up the paper when I told him to . It 's only been recently that telling Isaac to get something is my first instinct when I drop something . In the past , even when Isaac was with me , my first instinct would be to bend over and get it myself . I had to think about it to have Isaac do those things for me . I also recall a time in the grocery store when I dropped my wallet and told Isaac to get it and he absolutely would not . We were in line to pay and he was busy watching other customers and completely ignored me . After I told him to get it three or four times , I ended up picking it up myself . I was embarrassed and angry . Today , Isaac happily picked up the list for me . He got an ear rub and an enthusiastic , " Good boy ! You are the smartest , best dog ever . " |
I promised myself that I would add one of these stories here every time I told one . I tell them at one point or another throughout the summer . There will be no chronology - not yet anyway - nor will there be much of a schedule . You never know ; I might add a story every day and I might not . This is my life . Every day is an adventure . Anna It might be , finally . It was 14F ( - 10C ) when I got up this morning at about 10 : 30 . I slept in . Sometimes it 's kinda hard to get out of a nice warm bed , but someone has to stuff the stove or it won 't stay warm very long . It snowed a little bit yesterday dusting us with maybe all of another inch or so of the white stuff . Better than nothing , I suppose . Still , I wish it would just get on with it ; I miss my snowstorms . Today I decided to take a walk down to the boats . I do like to see what critters are wandering around in our neighborhood , and the best time to do that is after a fresh snowfall . Today I immediately discovered the tracks of a large martin right here in the yard . I say he 's large because his tracks are probably larger than a silver dollar , though it 's been a while since I 've seen one . I didn 't trace all of his tracks around the yard , but it was obvious from his leisurely pace that he was on the hunt and not simply passing through as fast as possible . His tracks also came and went ( or vise versa ) a good distance down our trail , pausing to pay special attention to any mouse tracks that also crisscrossed the trail . Speaking of those mouse trails . The mice we 've seen this year are positively huge . How much of that is winter hair , I have no idea , but if I were to hold one in my hand ( and not get bit ) both their nose and their short tail would extend beyond my hand , and unless I squished to compress their fluff , my fingers wouldn 't close around them . They are that big . Big enough to leave individual tiny tracks in their trails . I 've seen smaller such trails , but they are for sure in the minority . Another set of tracks I saw along the trail to the river was moose tracks . At first it was kind of hard to tell because his tracks weren 't clear , so I don 't think he was just moseying along , but I couldn 't say what he was doing . It was just a single trail of a young moose . And I 'm certain it had nothing to do with the young cow and her calf we saw day before yesterday . That was funny . This pair came into the yard from somewhere slightly behind the house . We first became aware of them when we heard some thumpty - thumping going on outside . The calf was a little guy but he was fat and sassy , bounding around and harassing his momma . Momma wasn 't too happy with his antics as her hackles were up and her ears back , but he could care less . He was bound and determined to be ornery . Out front , he stopped long enough to snatch at some fireweed and look at his momma as if to say , " I dare you to tell me no . " It was so cute watching him . I 'm betting his momma was fully ready to send him to his room for a while , and it was still early in the morning . hahaha That was my entertainment for the day . Oh , and before I forget - The river report for the day is : still not able to travel around here , not out on our stretch of the river anyway . Can 't get out on the river anyway , not until there 's at least a couple feet of snow on the ground . Hope it snows soon . Where is my snow ? It seems to have been misplaced over New York and surrounding countryside , and wherever , but most certainly not here . Instead , we get , of all things RAIN . Things were going so good too . Back in mid October sometime we got our first skiff of snow , pretty much right on time so I was happy . It was just a little bit and water in the river was still going down , but I was certainly happy . Then there was a cold stretch where temps averaged in the single digits and maybe into the teens , possibly warming up into the twenties during the day . Frost heaves began to show up along the trail , and I must admit , it 's fun crunching them down . I never get them all ; sometimes they 're just too thick and hard . Not long after that first dusting of snow , after it had almost evaporated away , we got another dusting of snow , and in the mean time every tree limb and blade of grass , and absolutely everything in between became coated with a thick frost . It was really quite pretty out there . I should have charged my camera and taken pictures . The river went down to it 's lowest and ice grew across it more and more each time I went down there . Someone posted on Facebook a short video of what it sounds like when you throw a rock across the ice . It really is a rather amazing sound , so I went down to the river and did it myself . My ice was thicker and that sounds becomes less spectacular with the thicker ice . It 's still awesome . I never walked out on it though . I don 't trust that ice until I 'm certain it 's thick enough . Then comes this massive storm swirling into the gulf . Everyone is certain that it 's every bit as big as the nasty storm that hit the upper east coast a few years ago ; the storm that very nearly rearranged the beaches and businesses all along there with massive flooding and super high winds . Our storm wasn 't so spectacular . There were some winds I guess , but next to no damage - at least nothing that made the news . Here ? Next to nothing at all . In fact it was a very non - wind that surprised me . Always there 's some kind of breeze , but it was quiet . Quiet before the storm is what I expected so we waited . I broke down and put my buckets in back . I made the mistake and allowed it to wait overnight and the next day ( no rain ) , so I had to use hot water to get my water / ice out of my buckets . When I was finished with that project , I brought in two buckets full of rainwater . Far more than I expected . Figuring it was all done , I once again lined my buckets out front in wait for the next snowstorm . But what happened next ? I was wakened by rain hitting the roof early in the morning so I got up and once again put my buckets out back to catch what came . That night ( not waiting this time ) , I brought in two buckets + of rainwater . This time I left my buckets where they were , but it doesn 't look like I 'll be catching any more rain . Yesterday there were blue streaks in the sky upon occasion , and today the sky looks all blue . The rain did make a royal mess though . My days started out around 35F , just above freezing , barely , and maybe warmed up ten or so degrees during the day . Warm enough to rain , but not warm enough for the ground to thaw , not even a little bit . Every drop that hit the ground added a layer of ice to the surface . Things up off the ground less so , but only because the water could quickly run down to a lower resting place . Anywhere it was still for more than a moment , it froze . I walked down to the river yesterday on a trail that was utterly coated with ice . I can 't tell for sure , but I wouldn 't be surprised if all the hollow frost - heaved places were now full of water , especially if they were spots were I 'd broken through the top . I saw enough frozen puddles in such locations to make me believe that . Places covered with leaves were coated with a glass of ice as each leaf held its drops in place as well as between where the leaf touched the one beneath it . Now filled up to the point of only the highest points protruded above the level of ice . The place where I normally turn the four - wheeler around down there was an ice skating rink . It was still brown , but it was coated thick with glass - clear ice who knows how think - it didn 't break under my weight , which , considering it 's fairly soft sand , it might have if the ice was less thick . It was so clear I could clearly see all the birch seeds that had fallen during the course of the progressing winter . As I was coming back , I noticed that my footprints looked as if I 'd walked through flour first - clear white prints marked where I 'd stepped . This was caused by my crushing all those bits of leaf and grass that had protruded above the ice - everything encrusted with ice , now shattered to dust . I had stepped in those places to take advantage of the traction the protruding vegetation provided . Believe me , there were places where there was no such traction offered . Those places were polished slick and I had to be very careful . Everyone who knows me knows how I love candles . Years and years and years ago , my mother gave me this candle - making kit . I didn 't use it for the longest time because making candles isn 't as easy as it looks . Wax shrinks quite a bit as it cools . Pouring a mass of wax into a mold of any size will almost always give you a hollow center . Dipping candles is probably the best way , but even that way takes a tremendous amount of patience , and you need a LOT of wax to make a candle of any length . It 's called dipping for a reason ; you dip your wannabe candle down into a vat a wax , and if you want a candle that is a foot long , that 's how deep your vat has to be . Now this takes a whole lot of patience too . After each dipping , your wannabe candle has to cool COMPLETELY before you can dip it again . Dipping a warm candle doesn 't get you anywhere . Needless to say , I only tried it once just to see how it worked , and at that time , I only had enough wax for about a two - inch candle . Back to those molds my mom sent me . They were little plastic molds made for the attention span of a kid . Two of the sheets had little one - inch deep molds in shapes like little stars and hearts that would end up being maybe two inches across . The directions said to make two of these molds and then glue them together ( with wax ) with the wick sandwiched between the halves . Needless to say , I never used those ; I wanted a really useful candle , not a decorative toy . The other mold was a flat sheet . It was stippled across the bottom to look something like a honeycomb . The directions for this mold was to pour wax into it , wait for the wax to cool some but not too much , and then roll the sheet of wax up around the wick . Now THIS was a useful candle . I used roughly a cup of wax per candle and quickly used up the wick that came with the kit as well as more wicks sent along with it . Over the years , I quickly used up all workable string I could lay my hands on , learning what worked best and what didn 't . Cotton worked best , but the fatter the string , the faster my candle burned . String with synthetic fibers did more melting than burning so they went into the trash . At the time , I was feeding chickens and dogs and cats , and those bags are all sewn with string , so packrat me , I hung onto every inch of it . Chicken food bags were made out of waxed paper so they weren 't of much use , but dog food bags were made out of woven plastic that was painted with a plastic film . They were useful , at least for a little while , for things like covering firewood , and I 've used them to keep the generator shed waterproof , at least until that plastic film comes off . They still work fairly good . Someday I 'm going to get a real roof on that little hut . I think I have something now . I 'm going to have to check that out tomorrow . You see , the roof we had over the big generator eventually fell down as the posts rotted off at the ground level , and this fall , we ( I ) finally got around to taking it apart and getting it off the generator . That had a tin roof and not all of it was full sheets . We had to put a short extension on the back to keep water from dripping on the muffler . I don 't know if they were three feet long or four feet long . Guess what ; if it fits well enough , it 's going up there . Yay ! Eventually I ran out of string suitable for wick . All that string from all those food bags was too skinny to work well for what I wanted . I sometimes toy with the idea of braiding some together , but somehow simply never get around to it . I still have it all though . Maybe I 'll get desperate again someday . Anyway , I was constantly on the lookout for suitable string and saw some at work . The string the chefs use to tie up steaks or whatever would be perfect , but it never seemed to pan out them ordering more for me . I suppose they forgot , or maybe it just wasn 't on any of their ordering lists , which meant someone would have to go to a specialty shop to get that kind of string . The string I liked best was what came with the powered milk I ordered . The bag inside was always tied together with nice hefty string that was about a foot long . That was like three candles worth , and since I buy powdered milk like every other year , I didn 't have much of that string . While I was on the hunt for string , I was also on the hunt for wax . I frequently bought candles in town , but I also watched out for candles at work . They 'd buy those big candles in jars . They 'd light them and burn them for a couple hours , then they 'd do it again the next day , and so on . Pretty soon they couldn 't get their hand AND a match into the jar to light it , or the wick drowned , then the wax , jar and all , went into the trash . Fortunately , I went past the trash often enough that I think I rescued most of them . Sometimes the staff would do the same thing back in their rooms , leaving behind the candle when they left . I rescued those too . Accumulating candle - making supplies wasn 't the only trouble I was having . Since my mold was made to outlast the interest of a child , it eventually gave up the ghost . It was pretty durable for a plastic thing , but you heat it up often enough , it 's eventually going to warp . That was okay at first , the mold was small enough I could pour the wax and then pin down the corners until it cooled enough to continue , but eventually it developed a crack on the side that leaked , and , well , wax is kinda oily so tape wouldn 't stick well , and even if it did , it wouldn 't last through making a candle . It wasn 't long before I was making more of a mess than a candle , so I had to bid the poor thing good bye . That left me without a mold . Now I do go to town once in a while , and since my son is living within reach , such shopping trips are no longer a mad dash all over the place trying to find everything in as short a time as possible . One such trip , I got stranded in town while my husband was out here with a blown knee . I went to town for a quick shopping trip , but almost as soon as I hit town it started to snow out here and suddenly there was three feet of new snow on the ground . My husband having a blown knee meant he couldn 't manage the snowmachine well enough , and if he was unlucky enough to get stuck , he certainly wasn 't going to be walking home . We had to wait . It works that way sometimes , but it is frustrating , and I ended up spending a week or more in town longer than intended . Anyway , I tortured my son by making him take me on a hunt for candle molds and wicks . Between Eagle River and Wasilla , no such things existed . I could buy all the candles I wanted , but no hobby shop anywhere I looked had a candle - making kit of any kind . Time to try to figure something else out . I 'm getting kinda old and change is frustrating for me ( or maybe I 'm just normal ) anyway I like the candles I could make ; they lasted about eight hours unless the wick was off center , but I didn 't mind if they didn 't last so long . I used them to read by at night and the melted wax from used up candles always went into the next candle . I didn 't even pay much attention to mixing colors , though I did make some effort to keep the colors somewhat separate . Without a mold , I couldn 't make any candles . Since my son got me a Kindle , having a candle was less important , but I still , like candles - I still watch for wax and string , and I have accumulated quite a bit of wax over the years . I had a cookie sheet , but it was so big , good enough for maybe a dozen cookies or some such , but it had a kink across the bottom . Then came the day when I spotted the perfect thing . Every time I go shopping , I like to go through the cooking isles just to see if there 's anything I might need , and there was this cookie sheet , half the size of the one I had ( nicer too ) . It was still twice the size of my original mold , but at least it was doable . Now all I had to do was find string . Since scavenging wasn 't turning up anything much , my son and I combed the store for string , and guess what ; I found some of that too . It 's called butcher 's cord . It came in rolls 250 feet long , 100 % cotton - perfect . Unfortunately it was made in China . Ahh , but this was Wal - Mart we 're talking about - what can you expect ? I bought two rolls ; that will keep me candle making for quite a while . Best of all , I also found some wax scents ; now I can make my candles smell good too . And as far as scavenging for string - I got mail the other day , and the postmaster tied it together with string , same stuff too , I think - most certainly close enough . He usually uses rubber bands - yeah , I keep those too . Needless to say , I 'm making candles again . I use about two cups of wax . I know this because I have this perfect little cereal bowl . The wax I scavenge always has old wick , usually burned matchsticks , and more than likely bug carcasses in them so I have always melted them . All the yucky stuff usually falls to the bottom , and if not , it floats to the surface where I can fish it out . I then pour the clean wax into my little bowl . When the wax is cool , like I said , it shrinks and pulls away from the sides , and since the bottom of my bowl is rounded , the cleaned wax falls right out . Over the years , I 've accumulated over 60 such cakes . So now , I 'm pairing up these little wax cakes and making candles . The first one was an experiment , and I 'm thrilled with the way it 's working . Maybe they would be better if I had fractionally heaver string , but they certainly work , and I couldn 't be happier . So far , not counting my experiment , I 've made 8 such candles , and I have enough wax to make 25 more . I think I 'll have enough candles to last me for a while . Which is good since my new boss doesn 't buy candles so my source of wax has diminished . I 'm going to have to talk to Lisa , the wife of the new owner at my old workplace . I 'm not sure it they buy candles over there , but I 'd sure like to take it off their hands if they do . Do you buy candles ? What do you do with them when you don 't want to burn them anymore ? Send them to me ; I 'll love them all over again . I learned something today though , something I hadn 't really thought of before , but should have suspected . The course of a river is sculpted by more than gravel , waterlogged trees and rocks . Clay can do it too . Over the years since living out here , I 've watched the river change . It 's a very slow change and most of it didn 't affect me very much . I mean , the water comes up - I go to work . The water goes down - I stay home . The water freezes - I wait for the water to thaw out and come up again . The big river has gone through some evolutions over the years . Up past Lake Creek , the river has eaten away at a corner , washing away the bank a little or a lot over time , the cut band up there says this , but I never really paid much attention to it - I don 't know anyone who lives there anymore . What I see is marked by where the planes park when they land out there . When I first started working at Riversong , they used to park right out front , on the other side of the island out there , and to help ease the traffic , there was another place a few yards upriver called Magic 's beach . At some point trees and sand gave away and the current was pushing harder against this bank . Magic 's beach went from a sandy beach to a nearly unusable cut back in a single year and got worse after that . The already shallow landing site across from Riversong got shallower so the owner found a new parking place for his traffic at the bottom of that island . They had to retrieve their guests by boat anyway and it was simpler to go directly down inside of the island rather up and around . Eventually that too grew too shallow and muddy . Now , most of the planes land on a narrow muddy , sometimes sandy spit at the bottom of the island where Magic 's beach used to be . I don 't work out there anymore so I don 't know where Riversong 's traffic is landing , but I think it 's at the same place . Their traffic has been lesser over the last two years though - things have changed . Closer to home : When we first moved here , there was an island in the slough out in front of our trail . During the bulk of the year , it is under water . It 's presence makes it impossible for us to get a fuel barge in here because it would be where his engines would need to be idling in order to maintain parking during offloading . This island was created because the water , for some reason I have yet been able to determine , swirls around it all the time , at least until the water goes down far enough that it no longer makes it around the downriver end . Also , where our little creek empties out into the slough , there used to be quite a point reaching nearly all the way to the other bank . Since we parked our boats inside this creek , going in and out meant making something of a hairpin turn around that point and to miss the island . Recently , probably because of our traffic back and forth nearly every day , the point began to wear away . When the water gets down low , like it does every year shortly before freeze - up , it would also wear away at this point . A few years ago the top layer of grass washed away and that was the beginning of the end of that point . Last year at this time , it was completely gone . I liked that point ; I liked walking out on it because it gave me a little better view upriver - not much , but a little . Unexpectedly , during the course of the summer , a healthy lump of sand was piled back up there . It isn 't exactly in the same place though , and when the water went down this year , it didn 't flow around the other side of it like it had always done in the past . This year the current leaving our little creek curved past that pile of sand on the close side . It cut away more at what was left of the point , which was next to nothing anymore . During the summer months , the water cutting around the outer island kept bashing into the bank that used to be the foundation of that once - upon - a - time point , shaving away at it . Today I went down to see how things had progressed . The water flowing from our creek was , and had been , cutting away at this odd pile of sand . I would guess it 's about half gone now ; it 's as if Mother Nature had changed her mind and now wanted the island gone . Of course all this sand has to go somewhere . You guessed it . That island out in the slough gets bigger every year . Not taller , just bigger . So what was it I learned today ? About clay ? Where I thought for sure the water would continue to carve it 's narrow little slot down to the gravel like it has done every year I 've lived here , it has moved over . It 's not Mother Nature being fickle apparently there 's a thick foundation of clay down there . I knew there was clay , I can see it . I fight with it every time it gets soggy . That stuff is really slimy when it gets wet enough . So this clay may not last against the current like rock or gravel would , but it 's protecting my parking lot for a little while longer . Interesting . Another interesting thing : There is a clay here in Alaska that when fired makes a creamy item laced with red lines . This has always fascinated me because , as I understand it , there is no way of telling where the red lines will end up - they are invisible in the raw clay . A couple years ago I discovered a pottery maker on Facebook . Anyway , I asked them about it , about how I might be able to tell if what I had here was this kind of clay . Or even how to tell for sure if it is clay and not just slimy , silty buildup . They offered to test a sample if I could send them some , so all year I 've been trying to figure out the best place to collect a good , clean sample . I think I have . Time will tell . Just like with everything else I need to mail from here , this too will have to wait until such time as I can mail something - probably some time next summer . I 'll be sure to keep you posted on the outcome . Yep , an interesting summer indeed . Now I know for sure that I 'm getting old . The start of work was a bit rocky in my opinion . Getting to know a new boss is not always a smooth journey . It seems he couldn 't trust me to get the job done , concentrating more on how many hours I put in rather than the fact that I was forced to wait on the others to accomplish certain deeds before I could finish what I had going , and so needed to move on to a task I really wasn 't ready to move on to . Ah but I 'm just complaining ; I can do that once in a while . I 'm rather set in my ways , and I realized that I was rather spoiled over at my last place of employment . As the summer progressed and things settled into a rhythm , a new kind of spoiling was discovered . Since I was expected to be there through dinner , my day ended up averaging 13 hours long , but for the duration of the King fishing season , there were empty cabins , and it was expected that I take a nap . Of course , my boss told me more than once that I would have to clean up after myself before the cabin could be rented during Silver season - as if I wouldn 't know such a thing - as if he thought I would ' move in ' to a cabin to the extent that it would require such ' cleaning up ' after . There was no such place during Silver season , so those 13 hours were really long , even though my afternoons could still be considered down - time and I could just sit down somewhere , sleep was not an option . I took my computer to work so I could do some writing or editing . That worked out just fine until I got too tired to think . You see , there isn 't even a day off . It 's 13 hours a day , 7 days a week . The only days off are a week or so between King season and Silver season . I didn 't really need the break to rest , not then , but it was nice to be able to catch up on things here at home . As soon as the chef got his start - up supplies in , I put in my first list . Since my freezer was nearly empty , I ordered things to fill it . My reasoning was that since there were some things down in the bottom of the freezer , Since my boss couldn 't be bothered to buy a flight in order to get supplies out here ( I 'm talking about lodge supplies ) my stuff didn 't come and didn 't come and still didn 't come . The lodge was running out of stuff too . I was getting worried , I mean I had two more big lists of stuff to get out here , and if it was so much trouble to get this much , I was wondering how I would be getting the rest of it . Of course , the chef was fit to be tied as his options for what to fix for his guests were getting skinnier and skinnier . You see , at this lodge , they get their supplies only ' space available ' , meaning if a plane has to come out here empty or only partially loaded for someone else , they 'll throw something of ours on , and since it was start - up season for all the lodges in the area , very few planes came out here empty - hence the occasional need to buy a flight at the cost of what one guest pays . Ah but that would have cut into his profit margin ; we were expected to suck it up . Yeah , in case you haven 't guessed , I don 't have a very high opinion of my new boss . For him , all his decisions are based on his profit margin or his personal advancement or image . That is no way to run a lodge . That 's also a whole other rant . I finally got my meats and filled the freezer , and since the summer wasn 't very hot , we were able to run it every other day most of the summer . There was an unanticipated side - effect to having a full freezer though . Something compounded by the cool summer which produce very nearly no berries - hungry bears - bears that know what a freezer is . So for the duration of the summer , my husband had to stay home and guard the freezer . There were at least two black bears who came around from time to time . Don was able to run whichever one off each time , but one time he actually had to fire his pistol off to do the job , and even then , the bear seemed to think about it . This happened by the time I reached work . One of them came back since I 've been home and even though I 'm a light sleeper , I wasn 't able to prevent the bear from mauling the freezer . At 2 : 30 in the o ' dark morning , I heard a noise and jumped out of bed . By the time I reached the front of the house , I heard another noise near the front door . Looking out the window to the right of the door showed me nothing out of place so I went to the other side of the house to look out over the freezer - there he was , highlighted by the moonlight , half way across the yard and heading away at a leisurely pace . I stayed up for another hour just to make sure he didn 't come back - he didn 't . The next morning I went out to look around and discovered an empty trash can tipped over and all kinds of muddy footprints all over the freezer . Seriously , he couldn 't have worked on the freezer for very long , but still my newish freezer now has at least three new scars . He was biting at the lid , trying to get in . I think pure luck kept him out , like maybe he was leaning too hard on the lid while he was biting it and he didn 't get a good hold on the lid , only pinching the top at best . Close call . We 've been talking all summer about moving the freezer to the shop , or maybe back inside . This pretty much decides the issue . We also need to get a dog . I 'm a light sleeper but a dog is better . AnothEarlier during the summer , my husband told me about a young bull and cow that came calling . He said it was so funny . The poor bull was trying his hardest to impress his female friend by mock - charging various things in the yard , namely the big smoker still set up in the middle . Apparently his girlfriend wasn 't too impressed , but that didn 't stop him from trying . He didn 't hurt anything so my husband just watched . When I got home , he told me about it , making sure I knew how badly the female of the species tortures their male suitors . haha It did sound so cute and so funny . I wish I could have seen it . Yesterday , I went down to drain the rain out of the boats , they 're pulled now , by the way , unless the water comes up again . My boat is tentatively pulled and left still low if that event happens - I couldn 't even get the boat out of the slough until it is floating again anyway . I pulled the plug so my boat could go pee and then stood there looking out over the river . Around the corner came a pair of otters . I haven 't seen otters for a while now - they are such a comical creature . The first one swimming around the corner immediately dove , but the other one did something like a double - take and the cocked his head to the side before following the example of his companion . I sat down in the hopes that my non - upright posture would be less threatening and they would come close again , but they didn 't . They did hang around farther out though . They were hunting dieing fish , so I left so they could get on with it . So there are critters around again , not like last year when my world was rather devoid of wildlife , to include those of the feathered variety . Not many of those around still though , but they are around . I 'm thinking it 'll be a while before the big flocks build up again . My spruce hen momma raised another family here . She had five chicks this year , and I 'd occasionally meet them on the trail . It 's rather funny when they decide to just walk along in front of the 4 - wheeler . They are rather short - legged , you know . Their leisurely pace is really quite slow . hahaha I got a big kick out if it though . For the last few days , there 's been a light haze in the sky . Not enough to call clouds , but more than perfectly clear skies . This time of year , clouds have a different effect than you might think . They 're rather like a blanket for the Earth . No clouds is rather like trying to sleep without any blankets at night - all the heat that may have accumulated during the day simply goes away during the night . Clouds will hold some of that heat in , at least until the sun comes out again . But it always has the opposite effect during the day , shielding the surface from much of heat of the sun . In the end , without clouds , nights are colder and days are warmer . For some time now , it has been 5 to 10 degrees Fahrenheit ( - 12 to - 15C ) in the morning when I got up and reached nearly into the 40s F ( 5 to 10C ) by mid - afternoon . With clouds , over the last three days , it has barely frozen at night , and only reached mid 30 during the day . These warming days set other things in motion . I 'll be going to work come June and I need to make some effort to getting ready for that . The hardest part is getting up earlier in the morning . Being ' solar powered ' like I always say , it 's hard for me to get up in the dark , but the days are now longer than the nights , not by much but still longer , so getting up earlier is easier . Still , if I don 't go to bed earlier , getting up earlier really sucks . So I set my alarm every morning , but since I don 't HAVE to get up - well you know how it works . I 'm getting better though , slowly . I 've also taken up my walks again , and kudos to me , I do 20 leaning push - ups off a tree at the river . Can I keep that up ? I think so . It 's not much really , but it 's something . This morning I got up to snowflakes , but it didn 't even accumulate half an inch , and it was all gone by this afternoon . There 's still 2 feet of snow out there , but over the last few days , another step became visible out front . I 've also started to accumulate buckets of water . I collect snow to drink and this winter , a bucket has equaled a third and more recently , a half a bucket of water . So I let it melt , and now I 'm consolidating . When I get eight buckets filled with water , I 'll keep filling the last four with snow as they empty until I run out of snow or until it starts to rain , whichever happens first . Speaking of which , I need to check to see if there 's room under the eves in back for the buckets . At work , it is my hope that I 'll be able to do my advertising and maybe some writing during the afternoons when everyone else takes a nap . Napping is something I 've been told to do , and I probably will at times , but sleeping while I 'm at work just doesn 't feel right . I 've spent 12 years thinking that while I 'm at work , I 'm ' on the clock ' , and I always felt guilty even stopping for lunch . Previous housekeepers have been in - house employees so they had a cabin to retire to for those long afternoons . Since I go back and forth to home , the housekeeper 's cabin has been assigned to other employees this summer , leaving me without someplace to sleep , so I 'm going to take my computer to work and see what I have time to do . They have internet ; I 'll have to see if I can do my advertising there , but if not , at least I 'll have quiet to write . I also might do things in the kitchen like canning whatever fish they catch for me , or baking some cookies or bread . There will be empty guest cabins from time to time , so I 'll be able to sneak a nap once in a while . We 'll have to see how things develop . Last summer , the last three weeks of the season , I had four books here that I could sell . With the lodge being primarily Swiss , the last thing I expected was to sell books . This summer , I anticipate having six books here , or I will as soon as I can get them here ; the mail hasn 't been cooperating this winter in that regard , and with luck , there might even be another one here by the end of summer - I hope so . Last summer there was room for a couple of my books at a time in the little rack where they have folders and papers displayed . I guess this year I 'm going to have to drum up a bookend so I can have them on the end of the counter , or maybe I 'll come up with a better idea . Sigh , the days will be LONG , but summer is short . I can do this . Soon enough , I 'll be back here at home annoying all you fans with my book covers . The snow we got the other day was only two , maybe three , inches deep , but it dusted all the trees again in a winter wonderland glory . It also covered all the ice that had grown dirty with assorted traffic and wind blowing dust , seeds , and bits of moss out of the trees . Here in the yard , only the toughest winds will carry branches this far , but it 's happened before . This morning was a normal February morning ; - 7F ( - 22C ) and clear blue skies . With new snow on the ground , I decided to go for a walk . It was a little warmer around two in the afternoon when I headed out , but still quite brisk , but without a breath of wind , it was really beautiful . Plus , I was curious if we had any furry neighbors in the area . Last week there was a couple young bulls right here in the yard early in the morning . They were close enough to identify them as bulls ; it can be hard to tell this time of year , after they drop their racks . In this case , one of them still had one rack , but the other one had lost both his . When I say they were close enough to tell , I could see what is called buttons on the one 's head above his eyes . They can sometimes be hard to spot . Of course the other one still having a rack made identifying him easy . I kept hoping he 'd drop it here in the yard , but no such luck . Anyway I wanted to see if anything else was hanging around and fresh snow is the best way to do that . The snow has been so hard lately even those moose were walking on top of it most of the time . After a quarter mile down to the boats and back , all I saw was maybe a half dozen mouse trails crossing my path ; no squirrels , no rabbits . Kinda depressing . I even stopped to listen for a couple minutes ; except for a far - away plane , nothing . I miss the little birds that used to always be around flitting from treetop to treetop . So what 's with the weather these days ? It seems like Mother Nature can 't make up her mind what to do with all the precipitation . Last year ( September , 2012 ) she dumped inches and inches of rain , causing the rivers to crest over their banks by several feet , doing quite a bit of damage in the neighborhood . This last fall , she tried again only it was later , in October , when the rivers were mostly empty . The water made it over the bank but not by much , enough to float the boats sitting there , but only just . Not satisfied , she tried again with less success . I guess she was just trying to do a little house cleaning . Anyway , whenever it rains like that in the fall , I wonder if it 's all going to come down as rain , or if there will be something left over for snow . There always has been , but you know how it can be . This year , that might be the case . This year , there 's only about two and a half feet of snow , compared to the normal five or so feet . I no longer know what normal is . Those cold spikes now last sometimes weeks , though still centered around November and February . Average temps now hang around minus something , and occasionally it will warm up to 0F ( - 18C ) or so and drop some dry snow . This winter , it has warmed up to above freezing and actually rained - twice - how depressing . But the weather , the temperature , isn 't much of an issue - it is what it is , it 's the lack of snow that 's really making things inconvenient around here . For us to get on and off the river , we need to shovel in a ramp . It 's like shoveling a ramp down from your second story balcony . Two feet of snow on the ground for some distance around , both at the top and at the bottom , got us our ramp , but it 's kind of steep . Another issue of lack of snow , is being able to drive through the woods to get firewood . Elders and other bushes average around 4 feet high . Normally , snow weighs them down and covers them over and driving over them isn 't hard . There 's not enough snow for that yet . And the rain . Poor trees . The high humidity + the very cold temperatures caused frost to cover all the trees . No problem and really rather pretty . Snowfall sticks to the frost and coats every branch , making them look all pretty and white , still no real problem . The wind blows and knocks most of it out of the trees and they 're fine , but add rain to the mix and suddenly you have these snow - coated branches , and now that snow becomes saturated with water . It freezes and the wind won 't dislodge much of it . The first bout of rain was bad enough but it hasn 't snowed much since then , some fine dry stuff most of which sifted away , but not all . Now it 's rained again , quite a bit actually , maybe a quarter of an inch of water in the bottom of the buckets I had outside . Now all the young birch trees and thin branches are bowed hard over . This morning , when I was out in the rain packing trails and such , I heard a tree somewhere back of the house break . I 'm pretty sure it was just a branch or maybe the top of a small spruce tree . I couldn 't see it and it wasn 't a big sound as if a whole tree had fallen . If it stays warm , and maybe a wind blows some of that will be knocked loose , but the warm will cause new issues . Overflow on the river . We need to pack a runway , and day before yesterday overflow was already showing up out there . It 's going to make packing a runway very difficult . It really needs to get cold again . If we pack a runway like this it would be ruined , leaving ruts that will freeze and never smooth out . Ruts in a runway might damage a plane , if not cause landing problems . So yeah , blame the rain on me cause I was wishing for more snow , now I want it to get cold again . I guess I 'm not much different from Mother Nature . I need to make up my mind . hahahahaha I grew up a rancher 's daughter hoping to inherit the ranch and run a riding school for city kids . However , my brother bought the ranch from our parents in order to avoid an inheritance tax and I ended up joining the army , marrying my fisherman husband and moving to the wilderness of Alaska where I raised two wonderful boys . One of them gave me an old laptop computer and now I 'm a published author . Go figure . My Obsession is all things writing . I 've written two dozen books ranging in length from 6 pages to over 1100 pages . I 'll post a different sample each week as the mood pulls me . Kinda depends on which character wants to show off at the time . But keep an eye pealed - once in a while there 's something else entirely . |
It will be hard to understand this post without reading Part 8 . Mutiny . It might as well have been tattooed on their foreheads . On his way to his room Stacey did not see any familiar faces . The Captain , in his great wisdom , must have fired the entire existing crew because he thought this one looked better , all except his cook of course . Stacey imagined the old crew back in Andrill , sitting in The Pig 's Pajamas , cussing their horrible luck , to have lost their jobs and to have been left in Andrill . Even under the circumstances , The Cook couldn 't help but laugh a little . They hated their situation , and he probably would have given his left eyeball to switch positions with them . Mutinies seldom worked out well for sea cooks . There was a general belief , as untrue as it was , that captains and their cooks were always the best of friends . They were far away from one another on the chain of command on the ship , but they often formed a bond that was closer than brotherhood . Stacey and The Captain held no such bond . If anything The Cook found The Captain a revolting , spineless man , and The Captain found The Cook to be an uneducated moron . The mutineers didn 't know that though , and shortly after The Captain was disposed of , The Cook would follow . Stacey looked out his little peep hole at the main sun setting on Andrill , with a minor one off to the left of it . The two made an interesting barrage of colors that The Cook had to smile at . This might be his last sunset as a free man , but more likely , this would be his last sunset ever , and in the grand scheme of sunsets , it was a pretty good one to end on . Once the main sun had gone down the entire way , and the second minor followed it , Stacey unrolled his blanket and laid down , hoping they would give him one more night of uninterrupted sleep . They nearly succeeded , but Stacey awoke to the sounds of shouting and gunfire . He imagined The Captain on the Quarter deck , fighting for what he would have seen as his territory . Stacey opened his door slowly and peeked out to see several dark figures running down the hall in front of his door . He closed it momentarily and waited for the boots to run past him . He then ventured out . Stacey wasn 't sure what he planned to do once out of his room , but knew that staying there would be certain death , so he walked down the hall and up the stairs to the main deck . He saw flintlock pistols and sabers in every sailor 's hands . Quickly , Stacey shrank down into a pile of ropes to watch the scene . Surely some other ship had boarded , because the sailors weren 't fighting The Captain , they were fighting other sailors . Sabers met and clanked , hammers fell , and exploded , but each sailor seemed perfectly matched to the man in front of him . The Cook had seen no sailor fall , and just as he was about to stand to see why not , a dark figure with red glowing eyes appeared in front of him . The figure was half a man taller than he was , and just as The Cook was about to protest , the figure buried a saber deep in his chest , and Stacey woke with a start . Sweat poured out his forehead and he couldn 't gulp air fast enough . It had been a dream , a nightmare , and Stacey looked out his peep hole to see a storm off in the distance , where thunder rolled across the ocean and to his ears . Why did he walk back to the ship at all ? Why didn 't he just run with the child when he had the chance ? In the morning he would likely be executed , and for what ? For a captain he never truly respected . For a life of borderline servitude . It was almost too much for the poor cook to bear . He had a child to look after . He finally had a reason to live , and the next day he might see a guillotine . The Captain had purchased one back in Haresmoot . It would make sense for them to use it on the both of them . Stacey did not find anymore sleep that night . The dawn came , and to his surprise , no sea dog was sent to drag him to the main deck . As he fretted , he realized this to be just another bit of torture before the end . Surely they had seen the terrified cook and wanted nothing more than to play with him before his demise . So , The Cook got up and left his quarters . Surely he would be killed , but he would not die the play thing of evil men . " Suite yourself ! " Was the last thing The Captain heard before the hammer fell and a lead ball sent him over and into the deep . The executioner looked at the rifle and let it hang in one hand . The coldness with which he killed was telling of him . He was a pirate no doubt , and his companions must be also . The rifleman looked up and down the length of the ship , " Now where 's that cook ? " This post won 't make much sense without reading Part 7 . The voice brought fear to Stacey 's heart , because it was The Captain , and if he came looking for you while he was in the mood to leave , you might as well brace yourself for a long voyage . But , to The Cook 's surprise , The Captain was trying to entertain some people with the story of The Woman and had just gotten to the part about the birth . Stacey was shocked at how angry The Captain 's words made him . Just as he 'd assumed , The Captain had no idea what had happened to Sally , and assumed that The Cook had done the unthinkable . Stacey loved the boy as only a care taker can , and even the thought that he somehow disposed of the infant made his blood boil . But , he was all too aware that The Captain 's blood seldom got cool enough to simmer and that blowing up now would mean his demise . His mind raced over the past few months : A child swinging in his kitchen , making a bottle out of a sheep 's stomach , seeing Sally 's first smile , looking for a care giver , finding the girl , leaving the baby , fighting back tears on the way back to the ship , and The Captain 's words . Then his dream about running toward the west and the inn . Then a bullet in his back as he tried to run back to Scratch 's hovel . Stacey wouldn 't be making up his mind about running today . He had waited too long , and there was nowhere to go but the ship , and nothing to do but lie about what he 'd done with the boy , the infant , the precious baby , his pride and joy . Sally . The Captain , while always hot tempered , was not an observant man , which was a service to Stacey as he fought back sobs while making up an awful story about what he 'd done that night . The Captain , calling his own son a bastard , was almost too much for The Cook , but hard situations make cowards out of most of us , and words seemed a poor reason to die . So , Stacey would forget Sally was a child of The Captain 's at all . Sally was , in his mind at least , a sea cook 's son . His dad had to go away for a little while , but would come back when he could . Andrill seemed a horrible place to leave his only living relative , but The Cook had no choice . He would continue sailing under the sail of a tyrant , and every night would be spent thinking of Sally , where he was , what he looked like , and what he was doing . They would be together again someday . . . someday . The Cook walked for the ship before The Captain was entirely done with his story . The Captain didn 't mind though . Stacey had been there for the part The Captain needed him for . Stacey 's legs felt heavy , as if dry land didn 't suit them , or maybe they felt that they were on a death march , and the longer they took , the more time they 'd have to live . The Cook didn 't worry about it . He had to carry on as if nothing had happened . Stepping on to the ship sent a shiver up The Cook 's spine . He wasn 't sure if something was actually different or if he was just sad to leave Andrill , but the ship seemed to have a new sway . The rocking didn 't feel right and as Stacey found his way to his quarters , he noticed some new faces . The Captain had taken some new men for his crew and they didn 't look like the rejects he normally picked up . The Cook was hardly a judge of character , but even he could tell that these new men smelled of trouble . They were too bright to have signed on with someone as dull as The Captain , and The Cook tried not to imagine what he already knew to be true . You 'll need to read Part 6 for Part 7 to make sense . The walk back to the ship was longer than The Cook remembered . It seemed every miscreant and rabble rouser was on full display , and that made each step tiresome . Was leaving Sally with Scratch really the best idea ? Look at these people , charlatans . Each one would sooner steal you blind than give you a hand , and half of them are standing BEHIND the store fronts . How would Sally ever make it in Andrill ? The sack in his strong hands grew heavy as the worry did on his shoulders . Maybe he could have kept Sally a few more months and dropped him in Shimbly , with the tribe there . He may not have gotten an education , or lived past twenty , but at least his death would be at the hands of a troll instead of another human like it was bound to be in Andrill . He might grow up to be honest too . Respectable , at least in the only way the Shimbly tribe knows how . In full disclosure , The Cook had come to love the boy and didn 't want him to go anywhere except his little kitchen , but of course that was worse than everywhere else . Assuming The Cook could keep him a secret from The Captain and crew , how would a toddling child stay around big open barrels of water , cleavers , and sacks of grain . He 'd be cut or suffocated before The Cook could say , " Bob 's your uncle . " Scratch may not have been the best choice , but she was the only real one The Cook had . While she seemed almost certain death to the boy , all other options were absolutely certain death . Sal would call Scratch , ' Mom . ' The ship looked shoddier than it had when he 'd left it . The wood on it was warped and bowed , it was a wonder it stayed afloat at all . The sails were torn , and the crew always seemed half drunk , which made him wonder how they got anywhere . The Cook stopped about one hundred yards from the dock and stared through the ship . He thought of all the nights alone , listening to the crew yell accounts of their sexual escapades , or shout sea shanties with their own vulgar verses . Sally had been his friend these last few months . Sure , he didn 't talk much , or at all , but at least he was good company . He didn 't cuss or spit or drink too much ( The Cook had only given him a little whiskey to help him sleep once or twice ) . And perhaps best of all , Sally didn 't call him The Cook , or make fun of his real name , Stacey . Why his mother had named him after his Great Grandmother was beyond him , but Stacey was indeed his name . When he protested as a boy his mother would tell him Stacey was a name for a boy or a girl , but had no answer when Stacey asked why he didn 't know any other boys named Stacey . And here The Cook stood , friendless , and on the cusp of a life he knew he didn 't want to live . For a moment , Stacey played with the idea of staying in Andrill . He 'd turn right around and walk , no run , straight back to Scratch 's shanty beneath the brothel and he 'd demand that Sally be placed back in his custody . The Cook and the boy would head for the west , escaping the stench that was Andrill , escaping their fates as poor outcasts , and escaping the uncertainty of the sea , where both of them had found hard luck . Where the boy had been unwanted by his own mother , and Stacey had given away every dream he had for a four by four room and a man who chose his every fate . The two would run through fields and look for a small town to settle down in . The Cook would build and run a little inn that would be known for miles around for its excellent cuisine . Sally would learn the trade , and when Stacey was old , he would give the inn to Sally , and like a good son , Sally would keep the inn going and allow Stacey to keep on there to dispense of old age wisdom and cooking advice . Surely there was no better dream than this . Surely they could make it . Surely he would not take another step toward that awful vessel , which held nothing but pain and shame . At first The Cook wondered if little people held the same time honored custom of opening a door when it was knocked on . He tried to listen for any sign of movement , but nothing came . He looked closer at the door and noticed that there was hardly a crack to be seen . This little person 's hands had either done some marvelous work , or had found a real treasure . The Cook knocked once more as a last ditch effort . Perhaps it wasn 't a good idea to leave a baby with a child . He was reminded of " The blind leading the blind , " but didn 't all parents fall into this saying ? The Cook turned to see a little girl who he guessed was about seven , standing behind some boxes . To say that she had surprised him would be an understatement . She was a submarine attacking a battleship , much smaller , but at an advantage . If she had had a mind to stab The Cook he would never have made it back to the ship . " I wanted to talk to you . " " No miss . I 'm the cook of a ship docked here . I have . . . " he started to question his plan again , " I have something very special I need to give to someone . " At this The Cook saw the girl flash a big row of rotting teeth . " Oh , I love babies . I 've got a bunch of them . " " Yeah . " The girl took a step forward , and then stepped back and stared at The Cook . The Cook waited , but she just kept staring , as if she were expecting something . After about thirty awkward seconds The Cook took a step away from Scratch , and she took a step forward . He then took two , and she followed . This dance continued until The Cook was far enough away from the door that Scratch felt comfortable using it , but close enough to notice that in that very well made door was a hole just big enough for Scratch 's index finger . Any big men looking for children to sell couldn 't get their way in there without breaking the door or themselves . Scratch stepped away from the door and walked back into the ally , so there was room for The Cook to walk to her door again and notice , neatly lined up , four good sized stones laying in little beds of hay . Little Scratch did indeed love babies . Stars appeared in the little girl 's eyes and it was all she could do to keep her distance from The Cook . " Yes ! I do want that baby . " " Okay , I 'm going to give you two of them in case one breaks . I 'll give you enough money to buy goat 's milk to put in the sacks . Put this much in . " He held up his thumb and index finger to show Scratch how much milk to put in at a time , " Keep giving him milk until the money for the goat 's milk runs out . Okay ? " The Cook almost gave his same argument again , but saw that this was not an argument he was going to win before needing to go back to the ship . " Okay , well , can you call him Sal , for short ? Just so people know which baby you 're talking about ? " " Okay . Well , thank you . " And with that , The Cook left young Sally in the arms of what was actually a ten year old girl in the port city of Andrill . Likening Andrill to ' the deep end ' really doesn 't do the city justice , it 's more like ' the ocean near a pack of sharks . ' Sally had better not just learn to swim , but swim faster than the sharks , and soon . 2 . We have grapes going bad in our fridge . I don 't so much like that they are going bad , but that we have food enough to allow that . Finding and buying the food needed for the voyage would be easy . The Cook had already made many business partners in Andrill who always had food ready for him and who gave him remarkably good prices because he purchased in such quantity . The idea of currency was still young in the world , but The Cook was of the first to fall in love with it . Just two years before he had found himself running around Andrill , buying a mule from one man with gold so that another would sell him jerked venison . For a man trying to catch a boat bartering was not an option . So , as quickly as he could , he found vendors who dealt only in gold . Gold was the way of the future , and The Cook wanted only to deal with those who were on board . As an added bonus , the year he stopped bartering was also the year he had an extra two hours to experience Andrill ( which was sometimes pleasant and sometimes not ) . He figured this year to be no different and that two hours would be just enough to find someone to give the child to . As The Cook walked from one vendor to the next he started to look for someone he thought would be a good care taker to leave the child with . Andrill had no shortage of wealthy people and The Cook began to dream for his little ward . Perhaps the boy could go to school . Maybe he could ride on horses , and buy expensive jewels to be set into trinkets that had no use but to be pretty . Perhaps he could buy a large mansion and have servants . Then The Cook really began to dream . Maybe he would hire an old sea cook for his kitchen , and that cook wouldn 't have to buy awful produce and feed his creations to ungrateful mouths . What better sea cook than he , the man who saved the boy in his infancy ? Angry shouting roused The Cook from his fantasy . There , amid the throng , was a woman , dressed in a large purple dress with gold trimming , yelling at a small boy , dressed in rags and carrying a very high stack of packages , with one lying at his feet . She demanded he pick it up and not let another of her boxes touch the ground . The Cook then noticed more children , walking shortly behind rich adults , dressed in worse than poor pirates . Only occasionally did he see a child dressed well , and when he did , that child always bore a strong resemblance to the adults he or she walked with . He had never noticed it before , he had never had a reason to , Andrill 's wealthy enslaved orphans . What The Cook could not see was that child slaves were practically a commodity to the rich . A family was not considered respectable , or part of he elite of Andrill unless it owned at least a couple of children . Granted , the slaves always had a roof , always had food , and were often taught a trade so that when their masters had no more use for them , they could find work . But the labor was hard , too hard for little fingers , and many of the children would drop dead in the fields before reaching adolescence . The Cook had worked too hard and risked too much to leave the boy to such a fate , but who else was there to leave him with ? The other adults The Cook saw were barely getting by themselves , he feared ( and this was his prejudice of the people of Andrill ) that the baby would end up in a stew for much needed protein . An even worse idea would be to give him to one of the scampering halflings who were shrewd enough to sell him to a wealthy family for a tidy profit , and then The Cook would be back to his original fear . The time to get back on the ship was drawing close , and still The Cook had not found a suitable guardian . It could be argued that The Cook hoped too much for the child , after all , what could really be expected for the bastard child of a whore ? Perhaps fighting to stay alive as a slave was the best situation for him . Just as The Cook was about to give up , and leave the boy to a destiny of servitude , he noticed a little face peering out of a darkened hole in the wall nestled within an ally way . As he walked closer the face noticed him and disappeared . The Cook investigated the hole she had been looking out of . For a child , the deception was quite remarkable , as the hole was no longer there . It had been crafted so that the face could live beneath a house , but that the panel that worked as a door to her dwelling was concealed whenever an outsider came near . The Cook then got an idea , could this little face care for a baby ? The thought at first was ludicrous , but after seeing the other inhabitants of Andrill , The Cook began to think seriously about it . He could teach that little face to feed the baby using goat 's milk in a sheep 's stomach . The face had crafted a very deceptive door . And , if The Cook remembered right , children often loved , even if it was not in their best interest to do so . This cleverly disguised hiding spot might just be the home The Cook was hoping for . Sure , the boy would not have an education , but he would have his freedom , and in Andrill , if he were clever enough , he could make his fortune . The Cook hesitated once more , and then gave a sharp rap on the make shift door . Andrill , the port between all lands , the hub of all commerce , and perhaps the most disgusting city to ever be built by hands . Throughout the city was a horrible stench that wafted up and down ally ways , from street to wandered street that would occasionally make foreigners throw up just after stepping off the boat . It was a mixture of rotting fish , feces , and some unknown scent that gave it a sour quality . The people sweated it , the buildings were stained by it , and the food tasted of it . How anyone stayed living there was a mystery to most in the world , but for Andrill 's inhabitants , the answer was simple : Money . If someone wanted to get rich Andrill was the place to do it . Ever since the invention of ships that could cross seas , Andrill had been known as The City of Commerce . It lay just between the main continents of Bilnah and Calman , and near enough to all other major land masses to make it a gateway for all things exotic . Two headed snakes from Hitno , swords from Callen , gems and rubies from places no one had heard of with sellers who didn 't speak common well enough to tell . If it 's worth something , you can find it in Andrill . The Cook stepped off the boat , his legs wobbly from being at see for too long . He felt Andrill an awful place for him to have to get supplies , with the food tasting of sour milk or worse . But The Captain was a man whose money purse was hard to please , while his taste buds were not , so Andrill was the right place to pick up produce . Aside from the stench , and the discolored buildings , Andrill really was an amazing place to look at . It teamed with life from all over the world . For the most part the inhabitants were humans whose ancestors had founded the city centuries before , but one could also find Dwarves from the mountains , selling their weapons , or Wood Elves from the western wood selling their bows . And everywhere , like mice keeping their tails from carving knives , ran swarms of halflings who had left their homes beneath hills looking for riches in big cities , but found only filthy apartments and demeaning work . More than a dozen times The Cook would almost step on a halfling , and more than twice he had to get after one for digging around in his pockets looking for gold . The Cook had been here enough times to not be impressed by the wonders in the streets , and to keep his money hidden where pickpockets ' hands would not find it . Being a true man of his trade , The Cook had a very impressive sense of smell , which made his food breathtaking in the best of circumstances and eatable at the worst , but his sense of smell was his demise in Andrill , for each time he breathed in he was disgusted by what he could smell in the air , because while you or I could only pick out a couple of awful tidbits in the cacophony of odors , The Cook could pick out almost all of them , from what we could easily pick out as rotting meat , to what we would barely notice as rotting humans . The city 's worst qualities were laid wide before his nose , but again , he had been there too often to care . He had two jobs to do , buy enough food to keep the crew alive for the next ten months at sea , and drop off one precious child . You won 't get this post unless you read Part 2 . Keeping the baby would prove to be more difficult than The Cook had anticipated . Even finding a place to lay the baby while he cooked was difficult . Each surface and sack had its own pitfalls : the maggots in the meat , the knives on the block , the insects in the vegetables . In the end , the cook made a sling for the child , little more than a piece of cloth hung up with the sausages . The Cook carefully laid the boy in his new hammock and then stared at it . When he was satisfied , he took his bedroll and set it up underneath where the baby swung . The Cook stared up at what looked to be the fattest tube of salami ever to end up in his seasick kitchen . And finally the sway of the child hypnotized The Cook into a deep slumber . To his relief , and to be completely honest , to his surprise , the sling had worked . When he woke up to make breakfast the child still hung there just as he had the night before . The Cook was also surprised that the child didn 't end up seasick , but then again , he had been growing with the rock of the ocean his whole life . Expertly , The Cook started making the morning meal while he took a bag made of sheep 's stomach , poked a hole in the bottom , and poured a little of the goat 's milk into it , as much as he thought the baby would drink . He knew that he couldn 't take the baby into the mess hall , so he put his mind to work again on how he could feed the child without disturbing the morning ritual , for surely The Captain would not come looking for his illegitimate son , but would come looking if breakfast was not on his plate at the usual time . So , with the baby getting fussy , The Cook tide a string to the sack , hung it from the ceiling and down into the sling , and tied it off when it was just low enough for the baby to latch on to it . Once again , The Cook was surprised at his success and was able to keep his shipmates unaware that he himself hadn 't killed the child . Don 't be mistaken , The Cook knew little to nothing about babies . It is merely by luck that the baby was not found . He hardly fussed because he was soothed by the steady rocking of the boat , the hiss of the ocean 's spray , and that his hammock kept his fist more or less in his mouth . The Cook fed him every time he got a chance , which was just often enough to keep him happily full , and The Cook often had linens to wash so it didn 't seem odd that he was washing a few more each time . If it all sounds like a happy coincidence , it was . By all calculations the baby should have been thrown overboard the night of his birth . And yet , by exceptional luck , he lived through that night , and the nights to follow . Then , when The Cook thought that there was no possible way to keep the child one night longer the sailor in the crow 's nest finally let out the signal that he saw land , and The Cook knew that the boy was saved , because the next land would be the port city of Andrill , and there he would be expected to go and resupply the stock of food . His plan was simple , though effective : he would hide the baby in a sack , and while he was out buying the rations , he would leave the child with the first big hearted person he could find . Part 1 of this story is here . A cry cut through the night and into every sailor 's ear . The child , the horrible monster who might soon condemn someone to death had finally arrived . The Cook commanded the woman to push again and its slimy body slithered the rest of its way out . The Cook had been volunteered to be the doctor when The Woman was seen pregnant . They had no proper doctor , but The Cook had dealt with meat and butchering , so he seemed the best choice . He agreed to the job , not so much because he felt qualified , but because he knew The Captain 's temper . Once completely out , The Cook looked at the exhausted mother and made a noise in the back of his throat to get her attention . She looked over and he showed her the infant , framed beautifully in his huge and expert hands . The Cook knew that there was little chance of the child living aboard that ship , but he was a man of principle . Surely , a hard life would not bring The Woman to doing the unthinkable , that of rejecting her own young . And yet , even when she looked at her child , and saw that it was a strong and healthy boy that had a nice resemblance to The Captain , she glowered and then looked away . As he showed the child to her , The Cook was looking at the men and could feel their relief at a large mass of thick black hair , olive skin , and clearly entirely human . Word quickly got out to all those who could not see for themselves , and while they would not allow themselves to say a word , for fear The Captain would hear them , they did rejoice in their hearts . With the looks of the child The Captain could not punish any of them . The Captain was in the room too , and hardly gave a sideways glance at the child . The boy was clearly his , but he was a captain , a tyrant in many ways , and he knew that having a child , even a strong son , would slow him down in ways he did not know and might keep him from directing the ship as he now did . To look at The Cook one would think him a stupid man . His head was entirely bald , he had soulless eyes , a slacked jaw , and what looked to be a wattle just below his chin . His belly also spoke of him sampling his own cooking frequently , and a tattoo on his arm read , " Marm " with a heart around it . But , behind what looked to be a moron stood a man who had been taught by his mother to love life and be a hard worker , so when he told his shipmate to tattoo " Mom " on his arm , he hardly meant for the title to be spelled so absurdly . He could tell that The Woman didn 't want the boy , and that The Captain would just as soon throw it to the sharks . So , like the honorable seaman he was , he hid the baby under his apron and walked back to the kitchen , knowing that , so long as the baby stayed there , it would be safe from the tyrannical hands of The Captain . So there ya go . Again , if you want me to keep going with this let me know , and if you don 't let me know also . It 's nice to always have something to blog about , but there was a wise author ( Stephen King ) who said that no one writes something entirely for themselves in a public forum , writing for one 's self is what diaries are for . So , let me know . It would be storming . The whole voyage had been unsettling , but it made sense for it to be storming tonight . This , the paramount of all that had gone wrong . The Captain would later say that he had let her on board because she was destitute and she had said she would be no trouble . He would explain that his heart broke at her story about a man who left her in St . Hollen penniless because she could not bear him a child . And how it made him all the more amazed when she started to show six months in . The truth of it though , was that she was beautiful , the kind of beautiful that The Captain found particularly fascinating , with long black hair , blue eyes , and long legs . The Captain would also throw in that he would never again disregard the council of his crew , because they had all told him at the start that having a woman on board was bad luck . In the end of his story though , he would finally tell a spot of truth , that he was angered at the fact that it was impossible to know whose the infant was , because he had not been the only one bewitched by her . Thunder tried violently to drown out the exhausted moan of the woman on the table , but the sailors cared not for the storm . Each of them had enjoyed the woman , and now each of them waited to see if it would tell who the father was . Would it have red hair like Jimmy , or have black skin like Donba ' . There was also Zunkar , who was half Elven , who would give the child a distinctive look . In most cases they would not know whose the baby was , but each certainly wished to pass blame if possible . For surely , judgement would be passed on to whoever would allow themselves to be seduced by The Captain 's woman . For , although The Captain never said so , the woman was his , and any man found touching her would certainly feel all the wrath The Captain could inflict . If there was any question as to what The Captain would do , one had only to remember Derek and Jeremy . Derek had already been seduced and upon finding her with Jeremy , proceeded to start a knife fight on the main deck . It 's hard to remember now who won , but it is easy to remember that the dead one was tied to the mast to be pecked at by the seagulls and devoured by the flies , and the other was tied just below him , so that his blood would fall on his head , and the gulls would be drawn to him . No one wanted the child to have their features , and none of them could sleep until they knew for sure . So , that 's kind of the beginning of it . I 'm not sure if I 'll ever finish it , but I felt like writing it . Hope you liked it . I 'm debating writing the whole story in short segments here on my blog . . . not sure yet . Let me know if it 's something you 'd be interested reading . Well , today is my first day alone with the pretty princess . I wasn 't sure her mother would actually leave me alone with her , but today was her first day back at work and the girl is all mine . The brain washing has begun . Her and I are watching Remo Williams as I type this ( a goofy action movie ) . I want to make sure she likes the kind of movies I like so that when a vote is cast on what to watch it 'll be like two votes automatically for my side . I debated explaining their , there , and they 're so I 'd have another Grammar Nazi on my side , but thought it was too soon . I mean , we need to teach her to act superior to everyone else and feel the joy of making people feel stupid before we get into grammar . It just won 't stick unless she realizes how much joy it can bring . All kidding aside I was a little nervous for this day . I don 't think I 've been alone with her for more than three hours in a stretch and now it 'll be a total of eight hours . I was afraid she 'd start crying as soon as Mom left and then I 'd have eight hours of screaming . As it turns out , our little girl really doesn 't seem to mind being around me , or she 's just too nice to tell me so . She slept until nine or so . I fed her at ten . And now she lays in the little bouncer watching a movie . Ladies and Gentlemen , this may actually work out . I might not let our daughter die , or go crazy . I have a feeling I 'll have a good day . Most of the time , when I 'm really sick of being around people , it 's because of closed mindedness and prejudice . Lately though , I 've been amazed . Not at how closed minded people are , but how accepting they 've been . I really have two big examples . The first is how my wife and I have decided to care for our daughter . Because we need my wife 's employment , we 'll be going the non - traditional route of me being the primary care giver . We 've even talked about this being the case in the future . My wife is a school teacher who loves her students and loves teaching , and with me being a writer , I 'll be able to care for our daughter while my wife goes to work . I may be Mr . Mom forever . When we first decided to do it , I was ready for arguments from every older person we came in contact with . I imagined it going something like : " Well , it 's true that women are often better at being care givers , but that doesn 't mean men can 't be . I 'm a very loving person who isn 't afraid of diapers or messes . I think I 'll do just fine . " " Look . As things are we need her income and we need insurance . Do you really think that our daughter would have things better if we didn 't have those things ? " I 'm not sure why I thought it would go this way . It could be because I try to think of the worst possible scenario to cope with anxiety , but that makes me think of worst possible scenario always . What we 've really received from everyone we 've told goes something like this : " That 's not totally true . I 'll be my own boss , which means that I 'll never get laid off . I just sell my product to someone else . " " That 's awesome . I didn 't know that about you . Let me know what you 've published one and I 'll go buy it . " Again , refreshing . I just love the people around me . They 're so supportive , even when what I want to do isn 't the convention . As you 've probably guessed by now , my wife had the baby . I am the proud father of a beautiful little girl . She was 8 pounds 4 ounces , and born with all of her fingers and toes . Her name is unique enough that I won 't put it on the internet , but I promise , it 's a good one Having a child is more or less what everyone said it would be , but I found out that even though what was said was true , it didn 't exactly translate . The bad stuff is often forgotten . Parents say you don 't get much sleep , but you probably get less than they remember . Exhaustion sets in sooner and with greater force than imagined . You hear of shaken baby syndrome and wonder how anyone could ever do it , and then you stay up all night with a crying infant for whom you 've literally done all you can think of and she still cries , and just as your frustration reaches its zenith you turn to your spouse , or your mom , or your friend and say , " Can you hold her for a bit ? I 've lost patience . " And as you hand her over you think of all those single parents who have no spouse , or family , or friends , and while the tragedy of shaken baby syndrome is not forgiven , it is suddenly better understood . At the same time though , it 's better than can be explained . It 's amazing to see your wife work so hard , and for so long , for something so precious . Holding my daughter for the first time made me believe stronger in God , and yet , made me question . My daughter had an obvious personality from the moment she was born . I could feel that she was unique , and knew to thank God . And then I remembered that she was under my stewardship , and then I wondered why a loving God would do something so cruel to someone so perfect . Finally , I remembered that she would be under my wife 's stewardship too , and my faith was restored . She has little outfits and little blankets . Tiny dresses for church and a tiny crib that attaches to our bed . Socks and headbands that won 't stay on and a look of amazement that doesn 't come off . I feel out of place in my own home . I see her swing , bouncer , crib , diaper bag , carrier , and little jacket on our coat stand and know who the boss of our lives is . I love her . When people said that you love your child the moment it 's born , I thought it was sentimental nonsense , but now I know it 's true . Not in the way you think though . I didn 't feel a cosmic bond that surged through each vein and made my knees week . The feeling is more profound , more dignified . It was a quiet admiration for the creation of life , and the need to protect that life . It was honest gratitude to a Father in Heaven . I knew , in that moment , that my wife and I would wear out the rest of our days trying to help her find a happy and productive life , and I don 't know if I 've ever been more excited about a challenge . Anyway , thanks to all of you who worried and have wondered where I 've been . She has turned out to be more work than expected , thought I should be back in the swing of writing my blog , and reading yours . Thanks for waiting around . I 'm an introvert . People I say that to are often very surprised . I talk a lot in classes . I have friends . I sing karaoke at family g . . . |
Break the silence that surrounds sexual assault , sexual harassment , interpersonal violence , relationship abuse , stalking , hate crimes , and identity - based violence . Share your story here on our anonymous blog . To speak about an experience with any form of interpersonal violence is difficult , but it is also empowering . Breaking the silence reduces shame and helps others to speak out about their own experiences . End the shame . Be empowered . Speak Out ! Thank you for Speaking Out ! We would love to get your permission to share your testimonial . If you would like to allow your testimonial to be used at a later Speak Out ! , please let us know by making a comment or a note in your testimonial . We are holding our first fall Speak Out ! in October 26th , 2016 from 7 - 9 pm in The Pit . For more information , check our Facebook page . Because this blog features stories of interpersonal and sexual violence , we offer this * content warning * as a way of caution . We also ask that you do not reproduce any of the content below , as the authors of these personal stories are anonymous , and cannot give consent for their stories to appear anywhere other than this blog or at a Project Dinah - led SpeakOut event . Wednesday , October 12 , 2011 We started dating in the first few weeks of college . We were so different , yet so compatible - it was easy when we were around one another . The first time he kissed me , he asked my permission first , said he 'd never want me to feel uncomfortable when I was with him . I trusted him , he was older , wiser , he made me feel wonderful . He knew my boundaries , he knew I wanted to move really slow , he knew I didn 't want to do anything more than kiss a boy until marriage , and he respected that . We talked about marriage , our futures , and what it would look like if we spent the rest of our lives together . A year into our relationship , he told me had been doing a lot of thinking and he didn 't think he really believed in a lot of the same things spiritually as he used to . I was taken aback , but trusted that he would be fine and we would be fine , because everyone has doubts . He assured me that everything would be fine too . But then his attitude toward me started changing . It started with small things - not returning my calls , not pursuing me as he should anymore , not caring for me , asking things from me sexually that I wasn 't comfortable with . Then he started pressuring me . I kept saying no . I wasn 't ready . But he was bigger , he was stronger , and he knew he could take things from me . And so he did . He raped me for the first time on the night of my birthday . He held me down so I couldn 't move , covered my mouth so I couldn 't say anything , holding my legs apart with his . I was so confused . I couldn 't even leave my house on my birthday I was so confused and ashamed . I didn 't know what had happened , how I had gotten myself there . I broke up with him the same day . He apologized over and over again . He said he didn 't know what happened , and that emotions had gotten the best of him because I looked so beautiful . For the new few weeks , he called me daily , leaving me apologetic voicemails , sending me flowers , bring me lattes to class on the days I had tests , asking me to forgive him and allow him to take me on a datePosted by " Every time you see him , you smile " That was the words that my mother told me when and if I see him . How could you smile at the person who changed your life forever , created the deepest wound in your heart that is currently still healing ? It was my first time , and it was the first year of college . It was truly a college experience . I still don 't know how to feel , whether to be angry , to cry , to be sad , to scream , to love or to lie . I don 't know and today I am still searching for me , and the part that gives me deepest joy and the deepest sorrow is that I will never get me back . I 've changed from this experience and will never be the same again . I feel like damage goods because someone decided to force the package open . I trusted him , and I knew him . He told me that he is falling for me and that he is in love with every part of me . He was the sweetest guy and the worst part is , he was the only and is the only guy to this day who understands me . I didn 't think it could happen to me , I thought that it wouldn 't be him , but it was . Actually , about 90 % of rape survivors know their attackers so it could happen to me , I just did not see it coming . I wish I could rewind the hands of time , but that was then this is now . Now , I have grown through the situation and matured from it even though I am still healing . Through friends and family , and the wonderful help that I received from UNC , I was able to make it because without them , I do not think I would be living right now . Many people do not realize that this is a traumatic experience that takes years to heal . It takes time to heal , but time heals the wound , it does not remove the scar that is left in its place . Relationships , friendships , the idea of love , this thing called trust , will never be the same as I thought about it before . How do I expect someone to understand ? When do I know when it 's the right time to tell someone ? Do I even tell ? I don 't know … what would you do ? And unless you 've been through it , you cannot understand nor do I ever want soPosted by Eight years is so long ago . I hardly even think about it anymore . I barely even remember all the details . I can think and talk about it logically rather than just feel raw emotion . My relationship now is wonderful : We respect and appreciate each other . We communicate . We have a healthy sex life , and we worked together to discover that I could enjoy certain acts of intimacy rather than shy away from them . On the rare occasions that I overreact to what I wrongly perceive as attempts to control me , we talk and joke and laugh about it . So in looking back , I was wondering what it was that still got to me . And I realized , it wasn 't memories of the actual abuse but memories of how people reacted that still bothers me . How our friends heard the way he talked to me and saw how he treated me , and never said anything to either of us . How one friend told me later that it didn 't really seem like that big of a deal , especially considering he didn 't hit me . How someone had the nerve to call what happened with the other guy a ' one night stand . ' I have moved away from self - blame . These instances don 't make me tumble back into self - doubt , thankfully . But they do make me angry . I find myself wanting to tell the entire , long , complicated story , because I want them to KNOW that what happened was not right . I want them to understand that there 's not just one way to be abused or assaulted - every instance looks different , and it usually doesn 't look like what you 've seen on TV . I want to name things for what they are , but I 'm not sure I have a name for what I went through . This many years later , I don 't carry a lot of anger for how these men hurt me when they were boys . I carry anger for people who minimize and trivialize other people 's experiences , for people who blame their own friend for being a victim of violence , for people who think that recognizing one person 's trauma somehow invalidates someone else 's trauma . The more we engage in fighting each other over whose experience was rape and whose wasn ' Posted by How do I start this story ? Do I tell it from beginning to end ? From the moment he asked to go for a walk to the moment I washed off the blood . From the day I fell in love with him to the day I said , " Enough . " From my birthday to Christmas . From innocence , to darkness , to never whole again . It was my fifteenth birthday and the beautiful boy wanted to take a walk with me . He held my hand and he made me special . He kissed me hard and his hands on my body made me feel like a grown woman , my first memory of feeling sexy . The attention electrified me and I felt my body react in unfamiliar ways . But I was a child that wanted to sit Indian style with him , in my dirty sneakers and gym shorts , and talk about movies and classes and marching band . With every refusal , every time I pushed away his hands , he reminded me that I was not strong . And when he shoved me down , and my head hit rock , I was too confused , too upset to run . I watched him kick my ankles apart . I viewed the unnerving first sight of an unclothed man and I felt his weight on top of me . I saw the limbs of the trees and the clouds and the birds as I looked everywhere but in his eyes . Nature had not stopped for me . I felt the dirt and twigs grind into my hips and mix with my hair . I felt the tearing of tissue and the warmth of blood . Later , I cried and choked as he gripped my head in the palm of his hands , and more than once I thought to bite down , but never did . And when he cried and apologized and asked my forgiveness , I did not hesitate . And this was the way we were . Several times a week from October to December . Too dazed and afraid to leave , too bloody and broken to endure . How do I end this story ? From the breakup to the next boy I kissed . From nightmares to therapy . From finding my strength to finding pleasure . From failed relationships to falling for her . From broken , to rebuilt , to survivor . Sometimes , I spend my hours - God knows how many hours - fast - forwarding and rewinding through that day , as if I 'm watching from behind a screen . It 's like a movie I 've seen time and time again . I see all of the characters . But I don 't particularly identify with any of them . I know all of their lines . Sometimes , I think of that day as only a play that I know really well . I 'm sitting in the audience each time . Sometimes , I daydream that the overhead lights turn on during the middle of the play and the cast of characters all look up , confused , waiting . I can see most of them clearly from my seat : The actor on the left who sits on the couch . The actor who is trusting after a sensitive conversation . The actor who has another drink . The actor in a strange person 's bed , saying , " Remember our conversation earlier ? " The actor whose face is always shadowed , whose face I can never quite make out from my seat . Sometimes , I spend my hours - God knows how many hours - determined to find where I went so wrong . Sometimes , I daydream about leaving my seat , turning on the overhead lights myself , running through the auditorium , climbing on the stage , and handing the cast the perfect lines to sabotage their play , so I don 't have to keep watching it in my head . I wish it had been a play and not my life . I wish I could have slammed open the bedroom door , held my hand , applauded me if I told them courageously " fuck you , " driven me home . I want to get out of repeat . I want to get out of self - blame . The only way I know how to turn it off is to think that nothing happened to me , to believe that I 'm overreacting , that I 'm just being stupid . It 's easy to believe ; it hurts a lot less . I don 't want those to be the only options . I want to love me again . I don 't hate them . Instead , I feel nothing and sometimes I think that this apathy is the worst thing they did to me . Worse than the scars that I 'm forced to look at every day . Worse than the nightmarish memories that are always present . I can 't go an hour without thinking about my past , and worrying that it somehow marks me . My own feelings scare me ; they make me vulnerable , remind me of those years when I was slapped , held down , choked , threatened … So , forgive me if I 'm cold . Forgive me if I 'm distant . Forgive me if I don 't speak about it . I 'm not ready yet and , at this point , years later , am unsure if I ever will be . The pain and hurt that I am reminded of almost every hour of every day will never amount to the life that you destroyed . You took away more than you 'll ever know . I live in so much misery that I often wonder if I should keep on . The mask that I wear is my front that I use to try and act like everything is fine , but inside I 'm slowly fading away because the memories , flashbacks , nightmares , and triggers of what has been done haunt me every day . I can 't hear a door slam without being terrified . I can 't hear people make jokes without remembering what has happened . I can 't live my life the same because of what you did , what you said , what you made me do . I hate you with everything in me . I want nothing more than to just be happy and " normal " like everyone else around me . It 's not fair . I 'm broken into a million pieces that I have to now gather , pick up , and somehow piece back together . I 'll never be the same . I 'm not the same . The violence is not the end of the story . It 's not even the beginning . Your life is a beautiful thing . It 's filled with many stories and many memories . Sometimes it 's hard to remember who you were before and who you are in the aftermath . The violence can be overwhelming , give you nightmares and wake you up . It can feel like it 's the only memory that matters . It can pervade your present , fill you up and drain you out . Fight to remember the memories around it that have made you smile . And laugh . Laugh like hell . Fight to find the present in today . Notice the world and take note . It 's hard to see , sometimes , but it truly does get better . There is strength and good in you and around you . I believe you . I believe you . I believe you . I believe you . No , really , I BELIEVE YOU . " I believe you " are the most important words you will ever hear . They were the most important ACTIONS anyone ever performed for me . I was not only told I was believed but I was shown . My friends believed me audaciously . They stood by me adamantly . They testified in court for me . When I lost my case , they told me I had the truth by my side . They believed me when I struggled to get the words out . They believed me when I doubted myself . To this day , it can feel unreal . I make so many excuses for what happened . But I know deep down the truth . I am believed . I believe you . I believe you . It 's not your fault . It 's not your fault . It 's not your fault . It 's not your fault . It 's not your fault . I could say it again . It 's not . No matter what crazy justification you will try to come up with , it 's not your fault . A few months ago , my roommate came home to me curled up under a blanket on the couch . " What 's wrong ? " She asked . She knew my story . I sat there and struggled to tell her . " Just tell me . " She said . Finally , I started to cry . " I just need to know it 's not my fault . " It 'd been years since everything I went through but I still could not believe that I had not done anything to make him hurt me . She cried and started saying those words , " It 's not your fault . " She said it again and again . She made me look her in her eyes and said it again and again until we couldn 't cry anymore and reached that line of emotion between tears and laughter and began to laugh . She held me . It 's not your fault . This IS the most painful thing you will go through . Yes , you have to find the good in today but nothing will change that this is the most painful thing you have gone through . But find a healthy way to deal with the pain . I 've drunk and smoked and done drugs and self - harmed . I 've overdosed , been hospitalized . I 've tried to escape . You will not escape but you can find a way to make the pain hurt less and it fades , it really does fade , in time . A year ago I stopped cutting and started dancing . Dance party became code with my friends for " The pain is really , really , really bad and I need it to go away . " My friends and I would dance . Blast music . Laugh . Stand on furniture . Dance , dance , dance . So , please , dance . Construct something , build something , write something , do something but don 't hurt yourself to escape the pain . This is the most painful thing you will go through . But believe me , your beautiful self needs healing , not more harm . You are the solution . You can 't change what happened but you can change how you deal with it . Think of the people you can relate to because of your pain . Think of all the people you can connect to because you share that experience . You have so much power . Do good with the horror you 've been dealt . And don 't give up . You are the solution . Be honest . Tell people when you can 't take it anymore . Be honest with them and yourself . Acknowledge how much you can handle . Don 't be afraid to walk away . When you are triggered , it 's the most overwhelming and terrifying thing . Sometimes , my vision would go white . I couldn 't stand anymore . Do not be afraid to walk out . Do not push yourself further than you can handle and do not let people ask more of you than you can give . Ask the professor for a break if you are suffering a lot of PTSD or otherwise struggling - and if s / he won 't give you break , ask a dean or CWS for help . There is no reason you should have to pretend that you can do it . Sometimes you can 't . Be honest . People are gentle . Not everyone is as callous and hurtful as the person who assaulted , raped , or beat you . Find friends who are gentle . Find a partner who is gentle . Be gentle with yourself . Allow people to treat you gently . Sometimes we survivors are so strong , we resist being taken care of . Allow people to care for you . Being vulnerable enough to let people help you is sometimes the strongest thing you can do . You are tremendously brave . You are so brave . You are so brave , my friend . You are the strongest person I have ever met . You don 't have to be a survivor . This is a funny idea but for me , I feel so far past my assault and so healed that I rarely identify as a survivor anymore . You don 't always have to identify as a survivor . If you feel like a victim right now , then definitely call yourself a survivor . You are not a victim . " Survivor " can become your identity for a while when you are lost and traumatized . It can help you realize your strength . You can be a survivor if you want . But the goal should not be to " Survive " but to " Thrive . " Be a thriver . One day , you will THRIVE every day and not just survive each day . It does get that much better , I promise . Don 't just survive . Please don 't you ever feel like you 're less than perfect . You are whole . Not damaged . What I want to change is your feeling you are hurt irreparably . I had a counselor once who had to straight up tell me , YOU ' RE OK . I was going to therapy wondering why I felt like I was healed . Shouldn 't I be struggling with this for the rest of my life ? No , the funny thing is that I don 't struggle with it as much anymore and it can be that way for everyone . You are perfect and whole . You are not damaged . And that brings me back to the first point . The violence is not the end of the story . It 's not even the beginning . You are the story . Posted by No one ever told me that it was okay to say no to moving forward after things had started . I was so attracted to you , that when you started to kiss me I was really excited . You were definitely the hottest guy at the party , so it made me feel special that you were interested in me . I was so inexperienced ; I had never more than kissed a boy . I wasn 't quite sure what to do as you were unbuttoning my pants , so I moved your hands away . You went back to kissing me , and I thought that would be it . You kept trying , and I kept deflecting . I never said no with my words because you never asked if I was okay . I wasn 't okay ; I just didn 't know how to tell you . I finally gave up on trying to stop your wandering hands . I still thank God that sex wasn 't your end goal . I was so relieved when you stopped . I felt humiliated and exposed as I looked for my underwear . My friends all congratulated me for making out with you . As stories of the weekend were told and retold , our story always started with , " But the best is that she finally got with Mike ! " Then I would have to tell the story , making up some details , leaving others out . I still have trouble being emotionally intimate while being physically intimate . The two are separate for me ; I wonder how much of that is because of that night . I will tell all of you what I wish someone had told me : It is never too late to say no . Not after you 've started , not if it 's something you 've already done . If you feel " no , " say no . So the story goes : I was sexually assaulted by my best friend when we were both drunk at his fraternity 's formal . That is the long and short of it . I didn 't include a description of the incident , but instead a stream of consciousness about the feelings that came rushing back to me tonight . I have been debating posting on this blog for a long time , and this just seemed like a good moment for me to add to the conversation . At first I blamed myself for the whole thing . I led him on , I was really drunk , what did I expect when he invited me to formal , I was silly to let this happen , I could have done more to stop it . . . But then I realized that I told him NO . Not once , but multiple times . It was not my fault . And then I was mad . Really mad . I couldn 't believe that my best friend had betrayed me like this . Even if I was drunk and he was drunk , there was no reason for him to have behaved like that . I couldn 't stand to see him . Then I ignored it . I pushed everything down . Ignored all the feelings that I had been having and rationalized the entire incident . He didn 't mean to hurt me . It was just a mistake . It was nothing . It didn 't mean anything . He still loves me . We can still be friends . What 's that quote ? The worst lies are the ones that I tell myself . . . And this was one of the biggest . Current man friend doesn 't even know this story . I think I 'm scared to tell him because of the way he would react . Would he be on best friend 's side and suddenly see me as dirty and less than what I was before . Or would he take my side and stand up as my protector , but then he still wouldn 't see me the same way . I don 't want to tell him . But tonight . As I was talking to best friend for the first time in months , formal came up . . . And he apologized for the first real time ( I had told him a month or so after the incident that he had really hurt me , I had told him no and what he didn 't was not okay . Though I can 't really tell you where that strength came from , it was nonetheless one of my better moments ) . And that apology just brought back rPosted by When I was 18 and first moved away to college , I thought I knew it all . I 'd partied and experimented with drug use . I was pretty , smart , and untouchable . Quickly I fell into a close - knit group of friends . Amongst us was a charismatic magnanimous guy . We were all drawn to him , we all listened to everything he had to say . He and I grew close . We had a lot in common then . I took care of him , gave him food and a place to stay . He had us all fooled . We decided to play a trick on people and pretend we were dating , then stage a huge fake breakup to see how people would react . Unfortunately , when the day came he backed out and said he didn 't want to do it . It was then I realized that he 'd trapped me in a relationship . I rationalized it , we got along , we liked each other . It would be fine . Maybe one day I 'd learn to love him . For several months things didn 't change . We barely acted like a couple . We spent most of our time intoxicated having a good time with friends . Then he got an apartment and convinced me to move in . Once all my stuff was there , once we brought home a puppy that we 'd found under a car , that 's when everything fell apart for me . We 'd been arguing and then arguing turned into verbal abuse . I was constantly insulted and demeaned and in return I grew cold and bitter . When he couldn 't get me to back down he would pin me against the wall and scream in my face . He would physically bar me from the door so I couldn 't leave the apartment . One night when I tried to run away from a fight he grabbed me by the neck and threw me down on the bed . I couldn 't believe I was trapped in an abusive relationship . I had lost contact with my family and all our friends were mutual . I didn 't think anyone would believe me if I told them what was going on . No one came to my side when I screamed for help . Eventually I shut down physically and emotionally . We went months without having sex . SO he started taking it from me . At first I would scream and cry for him to stop . Once I realized it wasn 't of any use to fight back , I would justPosted by He beat me a couple times a month for two years . The last beating I remember the most . He was drunk and I was really scared , I called 911 but it didn 't stop him . He backed me into the bathroom I had no where to to run . While I was on the phone with 911 he took off his coat and told me I was going to die . I begged him to go , he punched me in the face so hard I hit the ground . That 's when he began to kick me in the head while wearing his heavy construction boots over and over again , stomping on my head . I couldn 't get up , I couldn 't catch my breath . I thought I was going to die . In that very moment I wasn 't afraid anymore I just felt a great sense of sadness in my heart . I believe God was with me . I thought of how I will miss my two children . I didn 't feel any physical pain anymore and I couldn 't fight back , then he stopped I think because he was physically tired . He saw my cell phone on the floor in the hallway because I had dropped it when he punched me . He began stomping on the phone , I got up and ran outside in the cold to wait for the police . The police arrested him , he went to jail , I went to the hospital . My head was very swollen and bruised and had lumps all over it . He broke two bones in my hand because I was trying to protect my head while he was kicking it in . I had to have an xray done on my head to make sure there wasn 't any blood on my brain , which there wasn 't . I had to wear a cast on my hand for three weeks and couldn 't work for two months . Even while he was in jail I remember some nights I would have to sleep with a light on . I am no longer with this guy and I refuse to let him have any control over my life . I have a pyschologist now that I can speak to and get help from . I don 't want to be afraid anymore . I created my own blog to tell my story http : / / noexcuseforabuse . blogspot . com / My story . I have a story ? Until tonight , I had no idea that I had a story . All those signs about 1 in 4 women . . . I wasn 't one of those women . Wait . Am I ? I 'm not sure how to say what happened ; I 'm still trying to sort that out , face my emotions , and accept that , yes , what happened was sexual assault . But I think this is a start . My boyfriend told me it wasn 't my fault . He listened to what happened , and he believed me . He really , truly believed me . And he called it sexual assault . The problem was I couldn 't believe it myself . Deep down , I still felt like I had sparked the whole situation and that my boyfriend saw me as a cheater , as a slut . I kept trying to just put it behind me and let it go , but the guilt and the thoughts about what happened kept coming back . I was reading an email for my dorm community tonight , and it had information about Project Dinah events for the month of April . I stumbled on this blog , and I started to read some of the personal accounts that other people have posted . I couldn 't believe what I was reading . . . these were the EXACT feelings and thoughts that I was experiencing too . When my boyfriend came by , I could barely get the words out to tell him he was right . I was just so completely struck by the realization of what my experience actually was . I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories with me and so many others . I truly admire your strength . Be proud of the steps you are taking to heal , and know that you are touching so many people through being open about your experiences . I 'm not sure when I would have recognized the true nature of what I went through , but reading your accounts has put me towards the first step in getting better : acceptance . My blue " 24 Hour Rape - Free Zone " shirt is hanging over the back of my chair for me to put on in the morning . It 's meaning has grown so much tonight . These are things some people know about me : I like pretty dresses and wearing makeup . My favorite pastimes are eating , talking , and dancing . I like having a plan , but I need spontaneity . I can be really loud and share more information than most people want to knowI trust too many people . I trusted him that night . I trusted that he was just a kid who really believed all of the things he said to me . I trusted that when I told him about my past heartbreaks , he really cared and understood . I trusted that he knew that " no " meant " no . " After ONE time . After TWO times Even after ONE HUNDRED times . I told people , but I treated it like just another funny story from a night out . I didn 't realize it was a problem until the definitions were on a giant screen in one of my own trainings . I never thought that I would have to use those resources . They weren 't for me . They were for those " one in four women . " Not me . I wasn 't one of THEM . That 's when I started getting quiet . Some people know that I can 't refer to him by name . Some people know that I can 't refer to what he did by its definitive name , or any name at all . IT just happened . But what people don 't know is that it 's because I still believe it 's my fault . I shouldn 't have drunk so much . I shouldn 't have left with him . I shouldn 't have taken off my dress . I should have known that lying in his bed would end with him straddling me , with him stripping me of my virginity . I should have anticipated all of this . People don 't know that I have a constant battle within myself to practice what I encourage others to believe . They don 't know that I 'm still unsure of how to define what happened or if I even want to . I mean , I should know , right ? Shouldn 't I have the answers ? I am an educator , an advocate , and a listener . I talk about interpersonal violence , what it is and what it does to people , every day . One in four women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime - WHY DON ' T I KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS ? I 'm afraid to scream about my pain because I Posted by " We 'll look back on this one day and laugh . " That 's what he said to me the morning after it happened . A group of us had gone camping for the weekend . It was supposed to be relaxing , a break from the stress of our first year at college . He was my best friend , more like my brother , really . He was always there for me , and I trusted him with everything . I knew he needed this camping trip . . . his girlfriend had just ended their two year relationship , and he was heartbroken . Even though I was unsure about the booze he managed to bring with him ( I didn 't drink at the time , and had never seen him drink either ) , I didn 't begrudge him it . Later on that night , he stumbled away from the campfire where everyone was gathered , and plopped down in the grass . I left the party to go join him , thinking he may need to talk . As we were looking at the sky , we saw a shooting star . He said , " That 's our star . " I remember thinking that it would 've been romantic if anyone else beside him had said it . As I closed my eyes to make a wish , I felt something on my face . I think he was trying to kiss me . I laughed him off and pushed him away . I knew he couldn 't be serious , but somewhere else in my mind I knew I didn 't want to be there anymore . I told him I was cold , and I dragged him back to the campfire . I don 't think I believe in wishing on shooting stars anymore . The five of us slept in a medium size tent that night . Entering the tent was like entering some mystic portal . Time became an unmeasured entity ; I knew it was passing , it had to be , but I had no way of knowing its real pace . We were barely settled in when he started touching me . First it was a hug , which was fine . Then he pulled me tightly into him and started kissing me . I told him no and tried to pull away . I whispered , just loud enough for him to hear . I didn 't want to wake the others up and embarrass him . I don 't know how many times I said no . They eventually became like breaths . No . Inhale . Stop . Exhale . I would try to roll over , but he would pull be back . He told me it was what I wanPosted by I don 't know when it started . The first time that I can recall is when I was 4 , but who knows how long before that it started . It happened every day and every night until I was finally able to get out which wasn 't soon enough . I woke up every day even as a child knowing that it would happen and hated every day . Eventually he started bringing his friends and then it turned into gangs coming too . She would just be there and support them all saying things like " you like it don 't you , this is what you get , I can 't believe how stupid you are " to me in the midst of everything . Their " tools " of choice horrify me . I don 't know how I am still alive with all of the cuts , tears , stitches , scars , and more . I want more than anything for people to believe me and not say that it was my fault . It isn 't fair . Over the years I have heard people ask - - sometimes maliciously , but just as often completely earnestly - - if there is * really * a difference between sex one regrets in the morning and sexual assault . There is a difference and it 's not , in my experience , particularly subtle . When I was 21 I drank heavily . I drank to relieve social anxiety and to make it easier to talk to people . And to flirt with people . And , not surprisingly , I engaged in more than a few drunken hookups . There were mornings afterwards when I awoke thinking , oh fuck , what was I thinking ? I did things I would not have done otherwise ; some still make me laugh or blush or cringe . I have regrets , things I would take back in a second if I could . But I don 't call those things rape . Yet there are things that happened to me during this period that are qualitatively different . An ex and I used to hang out together as friends after we decided dating wasn 't for us . We drank together - - a lot . We frequently had sex when we were drinking or bored , which in retrospect probably was confusing and a bad idea . One night at a party at my house I was drowning my sorrows over an unrequited crush . My ex and another friend followed me around all evening : " Oh , you 're so adorable when you 're drunk . Come here and give me a hug . Let me make you feel better . " It became so intolerable that at the end of the evening I dragged a chair to the center of my living room , climbed on top and screamed " Everyone stop fucking with me . The fact that I am drunk and sad is not an invitation for you to hit on me ! Fuck you all , I 'm going to sleep now . " ( Anyone who 's seen me really drunk knows that " adorable " is probably not the first adjective most people would use to describe me in this state . ) When I woke up the next morning , my ex was lying next to me . I was dressed , but some of my clothes were on inside out . I asked him what the fuck he was doing there . He got this goofy grin on his face and said , " um , well , you know . . . " I told him no , I didn 't know since I had gone to bed alone the night beforePosted by I have never been raped . I have never had my " no 's " forcibly ignored . I 've never been held down or trapped and violated . I don 't have a horror story . I am not a victim or a survivor . I have a less traumatic , seemingly non - violent story . Many stories actually . The details of the events are unimportant . All that matters is on several occasions I have initially said no to sex . And somehow on multiple occasions , I 've had those " no 's " worn down and turned into " yes 's " or passive nods of acceptance . I have said no and then been convinced that I really wanted to say yes . I have said no and been forced to come up with excuses for why I was saying no . I have had men convince me that I wanted it . I have been guilted with thoughts like , " well he did buy me dinner " or " I mean this is our third date , I should just do it . " I have said yes simply so it would be over and I could leave . Once or twice I eventually consented because I thought if I kept saying no I would be raped . I have woken up in the morning feeling dirty , degraded , and alone . I have felt that I had no one to talk to because I had said yes … eventually . I have realized over the years that these experiences , while not " technically " rape were not consensual . And after talking to friends and being involved with Project Dinah I have realized that stories like mine are far too common . 1 in 4 women are raped in their lifetimes ; probably many many more have had sex when they did not want to . Either because she was worn down and convinced that yes was the right answer . Or because she felt like she had to , like she owed him something . Or because he was her boyfriend so her body belonged to him and obviously no was not an option . I am writing this for any woman who has ever felt this way . For women who feel like they have been violated but can 't talk about it because they said yes … eventually . I want every woman to know that your body is yours , always . $ 50 spent on dinner DOES NOT GIVE HIM A RIGHT TO YOUR BODY . Being his girlfriend and lPosted by He was my friend . I know they always tell you that its more likely to be your friend , but I was trusting . I was good . I kept myself out of bad situations . He called me one day asking for a ride home from work . He said his car broke down . Of course I would pick him up and drive him home , and yes I would love to come inside and hang out . Then he kissed me and I noticed that he smelled like beer . He pulled down my skirt and I told him I wasn 't ready , and I knew it was just because he was drunk . He pushed me onto his bed and said he could convince me otherwise . When he put his fingers inside me I screamed and he hesitated . I ran , miniskirt and panties in hand , to my car . All I can think of when I remember that night , 4 years ago , is that he was my friend . I trusted him , I was doing him a favor , and now because of him I have a hard time trusting anyone . Slut . Noun . Someone who has acted in a way inviting , asking for , deservingRape . Noun . Verb . Something that you should hide , act casual about , get over . That 's how I felt . That 's how I feel . It was study abroad . I was torn to pieces over my boyfriend . He had been deployed to Iraq and decided to end our relationship . I was still in love and I think he was too . I thought the only way to make it through the loneliness was to seek as much external affirmation as possible . Sex . The boys in Mexico thought I was beautiful . It wasn 't hard to find . Word got around . A boy named Diego asked me on a date . I didn 't like him all that much , but I said okay . Afterward we went drinking with his friends . He was on his phone the whole time . He asked me back to his place . I said okay . We got in the door . He started taking off my clothes . I didn 't really want to that much , but I guessed it was okay . I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep . I pulled back and told him " I don 't want to have sex . " He agreed . He took off my pants . I told him " I don 't want to have sex . " He said okay . He was on top of me and all over me . I started to realize what was happening . There was nothing I could do . I moved away from him trying to penetrate me . I wriggled . He did it anyway . I felt hopeless . It happened . It had already happened . I just let it . I am such a slut . The next morning I tell my friends . I don 't use the word rape . They do . They insist . " You were raped . " But they 're not my real friends . They 're my study abroad friends . My real friends don 't know . My family doesn 't know . I spent the loneliest months of my life there . My grandmother died and I cried on my own . I left to come back to equal amounts of loneliness . My best friends were studying abroad now . I was alone . I was realizing I was not straight . I was confused . I hated myself . I met a girl . She said she was bi . She pushed me into a bathroom . She asked me to come home with her . I did . Her boyfriend did too . I didn 't want to touch him or for him to touch me . He didn 't . I told her I didn 't want to havPosted by I was a child . When adults asked how old I was I replied " I 'm five and a half " proudly because that meant I was a big kid . He was an older cousin thirteen years old and I idolized him . He came to live with us one winter . I remember it was winter because my parents had to buy him a coat after his dad dropped him off . He came into our home with nothing but a trash bag full of clothes . He lived with us for many months before we played the " game " . I wanted to play house and he said okay and played the daddy . He said we had to do what mamas and daddies do , it hurt and I was scared . He covered my mouth so I wouldn 't scream . There was blood sticky and warm . He cleaned me up and told me to keep quite or else he 'd hurt my little sister . She was three and had watched helplessly the whole time . Only many years later would she remember vaguely what had happened . He lived with us for two years and I was hurt a few more times . I never told . I had to protect my sister . I didn 't have symptoms of a trauma victim and my parents trusted him , there was no way they could have known . When I turned fourteen the memories flooded back . I told my mom , she cried . I have a best friend that has helped me deal with the pain , but other than that I 've sat in silence . I was just a child , it wasn 't my fault but I 'm still ashamed and still afraid . What 's worse is that I 'm always trapped in the silence . I can 't say the word " rape " or " molestation " . It is hard to even type them here . I don 't know why , I guess it 's because saying those words makes it real brings it back . I think you guys are doing something really great here . Giving people like me a voice . A voice that we can 't reach on our own . Prom night . It 's supposed to be the best night of the year . For seniors , it 's a time of celebration and of things coming to an end . It 's supposed to be great , right ? Sadly , prom night will always represent something horrendously different to me . It marks the beginning of sad neuroses and terrible dreams . It isn 't a night I remember fondly with friends but instead a night that I still struggle to talk about . I will always remember what I wore , but not because I will always love that dress but because I will always remember what I was wearing when my prom date tore it off . My story begins at the after party , where the drinks were flowing and I actually was happy for the moment . I had many drinks . I very solidly still don 't remember most of that night when apparently my date and I were making out in the club . He had been drinking too but he was very much aware of his actions . Towards the end of the night , my friends and I were making arrangements to go home when my date suddenly grabbed me from behind when my friends weren 't looking and dragged me to a taxi outside the club . I don 't remember the taxi ride . I don 't remember the walk to his apartment complex or the ride up the elevator . I don 't even really remember the walk to his room . I do , however , remember him taking off my clothes without asking and holding me down as he took his off too . He didn 't have the courage to have sex with me , although at one point I remember thinking " it 's OK , this is how most girls lose their virginity , isn 't it ? It 'll be OK , I 'll be able to deal with this if it happens . " He did other horrible things to me , however , that I can 't erase from my mind . He finished his business and then put me in some of his own clothes . He left me on his bed and slept in another room . It was all about the power , in the end . He lied when I confronted him at first , saying he didn 't do anything . He told all our friends that I was a slut and a liar . He told me I was being ridiculous and that I was crazy . He wrote me a few years Posted by I 've been trying to get through life for so long now as my past haunts me again and again . I 'm not exactly sure how I 've gotten to this point so far , but somehow I am . I 've never shared any of my past with anyone so this is huge and extremely frightening at the same time . I am so thankful for this speak out blog and those who have created it . Even though it might take me a while to tell my whole past this is definitely a start . I know this is safe and I still have a great deal of hesitance with this , but hopefully this will help me to heal after so much . It began before I can fully remember , but I was really young . It went on and on . There was more than one person so many times . I was their property . The pain and torture I endured was their pleasure . I hate them all , but more than anything , I still don 't understand why . The beginning of my freshman year at UNC , I went to a party with my suitemates , without my new boyfriend . The party was fun , but when I was chatting with a friend from french and one of my suitemates , my friend 's suitemate - completely drunk - kept saying really sexual things to me . It ended with him pinning me to the wall where we all were talking and started kissing me while grabbing my breasts . My suitemate didn 't do anything at all , but luckily my french friend stepped in . still , I felt so ashamed , I never told anyone until this year . I told my boyfriend ( the same one I had when it happened ) and he got REALLY mad at me for not telling him . It became a very long , drawn out fight between us , and although he admitted he was wrong and apologized profusely , it 's taught me to not say anything . I don 't want to be judged . Girls : If you go to a frat party , only go with people you trust . I learned who my real friends were that night , and it wasn 't my suitemate . I wasn 't necessarily raped , although the select few individuals I have ever told about what happened , believe otherwise . My sexual past hurts me more than I can ever express . I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy who was 19 . I thought I loved him , but I absolutely didn 't want to have sex . But he convinced me that if I loved him , I should have sex with him . So after the pressure of him wanting to have sex , I finally gave in . I can 't even begin to describe the guilt and shame I felt after it happened . He was possessive and controlling and the worst , jealous . I didn 't feel that I was able to have a life outside of him . After a year and a half of that , I finally ended it despite his threats to end his life if I left him . Then I went on my first date after the break up . He was a Marine , who had already been overseas . He was 22 and I was 16 . Our first date he tried to have sex with me . I said no , not yet . Yet again , I was being pressured to have sex with someone . In my mind , in order to make these guys like or love me , I had to do it . Whether I wanted to or not , it didn 't matter . He wanted me and as a good girlfriend , I should give it to him . He was experienced , so if I didn 't have sex with him , he would find another girl . One night , we had sex and he decided not to wear a condom . I assumed he would pull out . During sex , he informs me that he isn 't going to pull out ; he said he wanted to go inside me . I tell him no , that 's not okay . Don 't . But he does . So at 16 , I am facing a possible pregnancy with a man who is 22 . After I panic and cry , he manages to get a friend to buy the morning after pill for me . I beg to stay with him while I 'm taking it because it can you very sick , but he leaves me . He breaks up with me to date the girl who got me the morning after pill . Next , my best friend and I start dating two best friends . My best friend decides to have sex with her boyfriend . Then both her and her boyfriend pressure me to have sex with my boyfriend because they 're having sex and we should too . Plus he wants to and he knows I ' mPosted by If you have been sexually assaulted , you may want to report the incident . For assaults that involve a student , a blind report can be filed with the University . This report does not require names and can be turned in anonymously . Please click here to download the form . To turn in a blind report , place the completed form in one of the anonymous reporting boxes available in the Student Rec Center or Rams Head Rec Center or mail it to the Dean of Students office , Suite 1106 , SASB North , 450 Ridge Road , CB # 5100 , Chapel Hill , NC 27599 . |
Fate Kitchens : an excerpt from THE FALLOW LAND November 12 , 2015 Tommy Shanks couldn 't hold his piss , and he was lazy to boot . You 'd hear worse if you asked around , but if it wasn 't for those two things , my life would 've been a whole lot simpler . We were doing yard work that summer - landscaping , if you want to sound fancy - and it was the first time anyone had ever heard of Tommy having a steady job . I took him on as a favor . He wanted to get his life in order , but nobody would hire him . Tommy 's truck was parked in the yard when I went by to pick him up at seven . The sun was still low in the sky . I wanted to start work before it climbed above the trees and punished us . I knocked and waited . Nothing . An air conditioner hummed around back , outside the bedroom window . I beat on the door with the side of my fist . It was sheet metal and made a hollow , ringing sound . The trailer wasn 't set right on its blocks . The windows rattled with every blow . The door opened a full minute later . It wasn 't Tommy . " Baines , what are you doing , beating my door down at the crack of dawn ? " " I know it was . I went to bed long about that time . " She had a button nose and big , green eyes . I 'm not sure what her original hair color was . She 'd kept it dyed one shade of blonde or another as long as I 'd known her . She carried ten or fifteen pounds more than she did in high school , but enough of it was in her chest and hips that men tended not to complain . The only other sign she 'd aged were the lines around her mouth . They gave her a sour look when she wasn 't smiling . She didn 't smile often . " Well , I 'm real sorry about that . I tried to call Tommy on the way over here but I got his voicemail . He 's supposed to work for me today . I wouldn 't have made such a racket , but I didn 't see your car out front . I thought it was just him here . " " I ran into him at Mason 's last night and left the car there . I rode home with him . I 'm back for the time being at least . " She gave me a deadpan look . " Tommy 's gonna straighten up . " " He has here lately . Honest to God . He shows up to work , and I won 't say he 's a model employee , but he picks up some of the slack anyway . When we 're done , he 'll drink a beer , but he hasn 't been doing anything else as far as I know . " " There 's plenty you don 't know , Baines . Anyway he told me he 'd been working for you . He didn 't say anything about today , though . " She walked back inside to raise Tommy . There was a muffled argument and some rustling I took for him getting dressed . He came to the door in a pair of jean shorts , shirtless . Big , dark bags hung under his eyes . He hadn 't shaved . His stomach spilled over the waist of his shorts in a round , hairy mass . Tommy put one hand on each side of the door frame and closed his fingers , like he meant to hold on if I tried to drag him outside . He had fists about the size of a sledgehammer head . Near as heavy too , from what I 'd seen . " That big old fucking yard of hers ? " He looked like I 'd asked him to dig a hole to China . " Why don 't we put it off ' til this afternoon ? I 'll be fresh then . " Tommy 's shoulders slumped . He was over six feet and at least two - fifty . He was out of shape but still awfully strong when he wanted to be . " You got a clean shirt I can wear ? " Tommy shuffled back inside . There was another argument , but he came back wearing a short - sleeved shirt , unbuttoned all the way down . His feet were jammed into a pair of old work boots . " Let 's get before she comes out here and starts shit . " He didn 't move like he was in any hurry . " Let 's run by Tucker 's on the way . " " You didn 't give me time to shower . Sun barely up and you 're banging on my door . That ain 't no way to treat your employees . Really I thought the damn police had come . " Tommy wasn 't a stranger to the police , but he 'd never been in any real trouble . He had a sister who 'd been in and out of jail since we were kids . Drugs , prostitution , burglaries , a stint for child abuse once upon a time , too . " Whatever you say . I 'm not the one that woke up alone this morning . " A year on and he still jabbed at me about Erin leaving me . Traffic in town was light . A lot of people didn 't burn gas if they could help it . July 4th had just passed , and after a holiday weekend , there was less to spare . Judging by how empty the streets were , nobody much skipped the fireworks or the cookout . The row of stores on Main Street looked like a mouth missing half its teeth . Just about every other store was out of business . The ones that weren 't had big signs in the windows , promising discounts . We drove by the high school , then the Wal - Mart on one side of the road and the McDonald 's on the other . Further out was the Southland Inn . After that it was open road . Another ten minutes and it was all empty fields . Some of them would 've made good pasture land . Others looked like they held crops once upon a time . I hadn 't been out that way in years . Everything had grown up a lot , thicker trees , weeds waist high in places . I wondered what it looked like in the twenties , before the CCC came in and did so much work to get better crop yields and keep the topsoil from blowing away . Between that and the TVA , it must have looked like a different country . There wouldn 't have been many fallow fields then , not by choice . Not with people so desperate to make a living . " Does all this land here belong to Harp ? " The lines on the blacktop ran out . The road was just wide enough for two cars to pass one another . The fields gave way to trees on both sides . The branches were so full and heavy with leaves in places that the sun only hit the pavement in winter . A minute later we were in the open again . Harp 's house was somewhere nearby . If all the land we passed was still his , it added up to quite a few acres , several hundred or more . " Think about it . " That wasn 't advice Tommy usually gave . " Don 't nobody much come out here . Nothing 's growing but grass and trees . No livestock I can see . No telling how big a crop you could get away with . " He looked serious . Maybe even thoughtful . " You better not . " His voice had an edge to it . He glared at me , like I was about to pull out my phone and call the police any minute to arrest him for a crime he never did , on land he didn 't own . " Let them fuckers find me . I 'll shoot their asses out of the sky . Get me one of those rocket launchers . Booby trap the woods . " I didn 't contradict him . If I did , or if I played along , he 'd have gone on all morning . His druglord - commando fantasies could get weird and detailed . " That 's the house right up there , " he said . We turned down a long driveway in front of a two - story house with a balcony upstairs and a wraparound porch on the ground floor . The paint was so faded it looked like the trim didn 't match in places , but it must have been something , way back there . I didn 't see anything parked outside , but there could have been a garage around back of the house . Everything was still , not man or beast out and about . Tommy pointed around the side of the house . " Pull on back in there . Tucker 's place is over that little hill . " I eased over the grass . It was already flat and brown . We stopped at a barbed - wire fence that was thick with rust . It sagged near the ground in places . The wire was torn off the posts entirely in others . " If Tucker 's the caretaker , he 's doing a fine job . " The grass on the other side hadn 't been cut in a good long while . Weeds had taken over . I could see the house just over the rise , and a stand of pine further off in the distance . As we drew closer I said , " Jesus , Tommy . You told me it was a shack but this thing 's falling down . " The roof sagged . There was a hole just above the door . It was the right size for a bullet hole . " Price is right , I guess . " Tommy put a finger to his lips and snuck up to the door . He grabbed the knob and yanked . A solid inch of daylight showed at the edge . Tucker 's face appeared at the window . His skin was stretched too tight over his cheeks . His eyes were wild . A few seconds later the door swung open . " Tommy , what the fuck , man ! " " I was trying to catch you with your pecker in your hand . " He kept grinning even though Tucker looked pretty mad . " You gonna let us in or what ? " Tucker turned and we followed him inside . He 'd always been a runty kid . That hadn 't changed much . I 'd say he was 5 ' 5 " at the outside , but he 'd gotten a little too fond of guns for my liking . I was surprised Tommy didn 't get one stuck in his face for the business with the door . The house didn 't look much better on the inside . The walls were done in cheap paneling . Brown shag carpet covered the floor . It was all faded and dinghy in the morning light . It would 've been hard to take with a hangover . It wasn 't much better sober . A young woman sat on a faded , floral patterned couch . She had cold , bright eyes . Her hair was short and cut blunt at the edges . I nodded to her . She looked square at me but gave no sign of welcome . When she stood , I saw the tiny , frayed denim shorts she was wearing , and her long , smooth legs . She had a confident walk , slow , with a natural roll to her hips . " Don 't worry about her , " Tucker said . He sounded annoyed . I couldn 't tell if it was because I 'd asked about the girl or because she was there . He opened a cooler at his feet . " Y ' all want a beer ? " Tommy had already taken one and cracked it open . He threw his head back and emptied about half the can . A long , wet - sounding belch followed . " Listen , your momma was asking about you . " Tucker fidgeted in his chair . He hadn 't been still since we got there . His eyes looked like he thought someone was after him . He sat with his back facing the wall , like every idiot who 's ever seen a gangster movie and thinks too much of himself . " What 'd you tell her ? " His hand went to his ear , across to his nose and down to the table in front of him . He fumbled with a pack of cigarettes . Tommy drained off what was left in the can and crumpled it . " I didn 't say one way or the other . " He made as big a gesture as he could in the tiny room . " You afraid I told her about this here palace ? " " No . Maybe . " Tucker went to the window and peeked out . His movements were sudden and clumsy . " Hell , I don 't know . All I know is , I ain 't the one that ought to be looking after her . She 's not old and crippled . " Tucker was still finally . He looked at my face for several seconds , like he was memorizing my expression when I asked . " I 'm sort of a manager , I guess you 'd say . I look after things . " " One real big one and some storage sheds . A handful of old cabins across the bottom a piece . I keep an eye on the cars , too . " His tone changed all of a sudden , like he wasn 't comfortable with the direction my questions were taking . " I 've been trying for a while to get this lazy bastard to cart off that old plow and whatnot that 's piled up out there . You ought to do okay with it as scrap . " Tommy got a couple of cigarettes from Tucker on the way out . Once the door closed , he said , " I just hope it 's worth the trouble . " He trailed me across the field , trying to get a nearly - empty lighter to work . He caught up when I saw the heap , piled around the back axle of a tractor . We stood with out feet wide apart , like we might take hold and carry the mess all the way back to the truck in one go . " It 's not that bad , Tommy . We 'll take it over by the Mennonites . Nathaniel and them . I hear they give a good price . " " Not this morning we won 't . We 're liable to get sidetracked , and I don 't mean to leave old Gladys waiting if I can help it . Be better to bring back a trailer anyway . " " We ought to just put her off . Take what we get from here and spend the rest of the day at Mason 's . " His math was simple : it wouldn 't take near as long to load that scrap as it would to do Gladys Robinson 's lawn . The dew was already gone in places . Soon the sun would climb above the trees and we 'd suffer . " No , when I tell someone I 'll be there to work at a certain time , on a certain day , I have to show up . We ought to come back for this stuff in the evening , when it 's cooler . It 'll be daylight past seven . We can run it by the Mennonites ' first thing tomorrow . " I looked at Tommy . He didn 't seem impressed with my logic , but I kept going . Eventually he 'd get tired of listening and give up . " That way we get the money for today 's work , plus whatever this heap 's worth , and tomorrow 's money too . Come Friday we 'll be set up . " " Alright then . Let me run over here by this fence and piss , and we 'll head out . " He looked across the field . " Damn grass is too high . Tucker 's not worth a shit as a caretaker . " He walked off slowly , parting the weeds ahead of him with his hands . He walked a pretty good piece , but the field went on and on . What did Harp want with so much land ? No crops , no livestock , and he must have had a thousand acres . Plenty of timber to cut , and if his land was anything like most people 's around there , at least one good clean stream . It didn 't look like he had plans for any of it . I hadn 't come up with an answer yet when I heard Tommy yelling . I couldn 't make out what he was saying . He 'd gone further than he had to , not out of modesty but to kill time . I figured it was nothing , but he kept waving me over . When I got within earshot I yelled , " Come on , Tommy . We 're running late as it is . " He didn 't budge . " Get over here . " He knelt down to look closer at something . Finally I was close enough to see it . A body , a girl . Her hair was tangled in the barbed wire . I looked closer and saw it was a wig , pulled loose a little at the scalp . The hair underneath was cut close like a soldier 's . The body lay face down in a patch of flattened weeds . She was young . Late teens , early twenties . Bleached blonde hair , deep tan . She had makeup smeared across the side of her face that was turned up , that and blood . She wasn 't wearing much - a t - shirt with the neck cut so it was falling off one shoulder and a short , ruffled skirt . She had one shoe on , a very high heel , the clear plastic - looking kind strippers wear . Tommy 's back was to me . " I don 't know her name . I 've seen her in town . She wiggled her ass when she walked . I know that . " " Jesus , Tommy . " Before I could say anything else , he reached and pulled the skirt down to cover her bare backside . I could still see the flesh at the small of her back . It was tan , but the kind of fake shade that comes from a bottle . I wiped sweat from my face . The temperature had to be over ninety already . " Run in there and get Tucker . He 's bound to know who she is . " He grumbled a little and trotted off across the field . The air was thick with humidity and he moved slowly , like he was running into a headwind . He got tired part of the way there and started walking . I remember watching him go and thinking I hoped he wasn 't mixed up in this . I looked down again at the girl . The ground beneath her was packed hard . I heard a dry , scuffling sound when I moved my feet . There was no breeze , barely even a sound from bugs or birds . I called the 911 dispatcher and told them where we were and what we 'd found . Someone would be out directly , the woman told me . I listened for sirens but didn 't hear anything . I stepped between the girl 's body and the sun and waited for Tommy and Tucker and whoever else might come . He was lying . I was pretty sure from the way he wouldn 't look at me . He kept fidgeting , couldn 't stand still . Of course , he 'd been known to take just about anything he heard of getting people high . Maybe he 'd seen her and didn 't remember it . We waited in the sun . I wasn 't keeping time , but it was long enough that I finally called back . The woman said a patrol car was on its way , that and an ambulance . I shouldn 't have been surprised it was taking a while . Harp 's nearest neighbor was a couple of miles away , as far as I knew . " Did you tell Harp about this ? " " No , it 'll be better this way . " He turned and ran hard . He was awkward but he moved a lot faster than I expected . Dust kicked up behind him until he was back over the hill and out of sight . Tommy grinned at me . " Gladys Robinson will have your ass over this . " I guess he thought I 'd see how wrong I was to try and keep my word to people , business - wise . " I 'd wager she gets over it pretty quick once she hears what kept us . You know she can 't resist a good piece of gossip . I can just about see her passing it around , talking it up so she 's as close to the action as possible . " We heard sirens far off , back toward town it sounded like , but it was hard to be sure with so many trees . The woman I 'd seen inside shuffled out barefoot . She walked through the grass , shielding her eyes from the sun . When she got close enough to see the body , I said , " You recognize her ? " She had a good poker face , but there was a bare flicker or recognition that first instant . " No , I don 't . " She seemed to make a point of making eye contact with me . " You found her just now ? " Finally a cruiser pulled up and an ambulance . Only one cop got out . Harp came out of the big house and caught up with him before they reached the fence . Even at that distance there was no mistaking Harp Hendrix . He was six - five at least , with white hair , brushed back into a high pompadour . He wasn 't more than fifty years old , fifty - five at the outside . He wore flashy shirts like an old country and western singer , and cowboy boots in exotic skins . His watch was so big and chunky it looked like he might strain his wrist , turning it over to give the time . He had silver rings on three fingers of his left hand . At closer range , he showed full rows of perfectly straight , capped teeth . He drove to Memphis twice a year to have them bleached , or so people said . I 'd always known him to be quick with a smile but seldom to seem like he meant it . Not everybody appreciated his style . Vaughn was three years older than me . I know that from watching him play football my first year of high school . People in town had never seen a kid as strong and fast as he was . He 'd hit the corner and turn upfield , and Lord have mercy on the poor fool who got in front of him . Coaches started calling , then showing up to games . I saw Johnny Major one weekday afternoon in town , wearing the loud orange blazer he wore on the sidelines . And sure enough , Vaughn ended up in Knoxville at UT . That was about as far as his glory went . He got stuck behind two upperclassmen his first year and hurt a shoulder the next , not bad enough to need surgery , but he had trouble holding onto the ball when he got hit . I guess football lost its shine for him . That is , if he ever loved playing as much as people thought he did . I 've always wondered . There were stories about him coming into the locker room in high school and finding hundred dollar bills tucked into his shoes before a big game , or after he played really well . It might 've felt like a reward to a kid that age , and it might 've felt like someone trying to buy you . I 'm sure that kind of thing happens all over . I just don 't know how it sat with him . His last big moment was Senior Day at UT . They played some nobody , Middle Tennessee State or Arkansas - Little Rock . A soft touch so guys could go out with a little style , whether they were stars or not . First play from scrimmage , they handed the ball to Vaughn and it looked like he 'd been shot out of a cannon . He hit the line and tore through a thicket of hands and he was gone . The safety came to meet him . Vaughn tucked the ball tight like the was about to meet him head - on , but once the guy committed , he went up like a hurdler and cleared him . Prettiest thing I 'd ever seen . He didn 't touch the ball again all day . They ended up with a losing record that year . I doubt anyone much besides me remembers that run , but I got a charge out of it , 80 or 90 thousand people on their feet and screaming for him . He came back here after graduation . It took me a long time to understand why . Eventually I decided it must have been a challenge to himself , to come back and face people who believed he 'd let them down . I was maybe half right . His grandfather , the one who raised him from the time he was small , had a bad stroke his senior year . Looking after him was Vaughn 's first worry . He may have meant to challenge people too , to make them see they had the wrong idea about what made a man successful . I don 't imagine he made much headway on that score . He and Harp made quite a picture , walking side - by - side . Harp pressed the top row of barbed wire down and swung his leg over , clearing it by several inches . He held it up and let Vaughn duck under . I met them next to the fence . The weeds were trampled down . No one broke stride . Harp stopped and hooked his thumbs in the back pockets of his jeans . " Well I 'll be . " He sounded more surprised than upset . That was his business , but it seemed odd to me . Vaughn fastened one end of a roll of yellow tape around a fence post . " Watch out , Tommy . " He walked off a perimeter several yards in each direction and tied the tape as a barrier . " Now . Who found her ? " " Run get him or call him one . There 's no sense in me chasing all over when you 're all right here . " Vaughn knelt by the body and brushed the hair back from the girl 's face . " Any of you got a name on her ? " Harp gave a tight smile . " In case you didn 't notice , I have a lot of land . I 've got a pretty active social life , too . Not everybody who comes to the house stops in to pay tribute . I 'm not even here sometimes . Now what is it you 're trying to say , Officer ? " The last word sounded about as respectful as if he 'd said asshole . Vaughn stood and walked to the edge of the tape . " I 'm saying , and I 'd suggest you listen , that if you feed me a line now , I will find out about it . And I won 't believe a word you say from then on . " Vaughn turned back toward the body . " Don 't say I didn 't warn you . " He worked slowly , but everything he did looked like it had a purpose . He stayed bent near the ground , in case anything small was left behind , be it a shirt button or cigarette butt . There weren 't any footprints visible . The ground was too dry and too many sets of feet had scuffed around her . After several minutes , radio static crackled and a tinny voice came over the air . Vaughn answered , but in an undertone . He pulled out a plastic bag from his pocket and a pen and lifted something into it . I couldn 't see for his broad back and the way he hunched down . Harp brushed something from the front of his shirt . " I ought to . It 's my land , " he said . I guess he thought that put him back in control . Harp didn 't react one way or another . Pretty soon another car was there . A pair of men got out , older , white and not near as fit as Vaughn . The three huddled up and talked in low voices . I saw Vaughn pointing out Harp , but not in an obvious way . He went back to work . The shorter of the two , a man with a thick mustache and a tight little pot belly , came over to talk with me and Tommy . His name was Tate . He looked vaguely familiar , but I couldn 't place him . We told him what we knew , but it couldn 't have been much help . The other man walked over and shook Harp 's hand . Chris Porter . He ranked Vaughn from what I could see . He was known to look the other way on things , but only for certain people . It wasn 't always for money . He wanted to be Sheriff someday , was what everyone figured . No star athlete was too young to drink , and if the mayor 's no - count son got caught buying drugs , somehow or other it turned out to be a big misunderstanding . I didn 't know what Harp could do for him , but his eyes lit up when they started talking . He didn 't show it otherwise , but I had a feeling he 'd go to bat for Harp later . Vaughn came to the tape and called him over right before Tucker got there . Vaughn argued with him , not loud enough so the words reached me . Chris slapped him on the back and crossed the tape . Vaughn wasn 't happy . He rounded up me and Tommy . " I can 't see any sense keeping you two , but I wanted to ask you one more time if there 's anything you forgot to tell me earlier . " He didn 't let on that Chris Porter getting involved was a problem . We walked toward the fence with Vaughn . When we reached the truck , Vaughn waved us around behind it . " Listen , " he said . He was nearly whispering . " If either of you , " he looked at Tommy , " or that nephew of yours either for that matter , remembers something or comes across something that looks fishy , you bring it to me . " Vaughn turned and walked back the way he came . I don 't know whether he put his hand there consciously or not , but it was resting on the grip of his pistol . " Just consider it a personal favor , " he said . His tone said , " I 'm trying to save you from yourself . " |
Mario watched Dr . Torres walk away with Miss Bradford . Geez , that guy was intense . Mario couldn 't quite figure him out , and he didn 't like that . Mario was good at reading people . Most thought he was quiet and pensive , but he 'd figured out that he could learn a lot by shutting his mouth and opening his ears . People gave themselves away with body language , what poker players called ' tells ' - - tone of voice , expressions , what they said and , sometimes most importantly , what they didn 't . But all Mario knew about Dr . Torres so far was that he had a major thing for Miss Bradford and he was obviously pissed off about the fight and David . Mario glanced at the still unconscious boy on the sofa . So , it was stupid that David was fighting . Well , no kidding . Especially considering that David was no where near angry enough to really be any good at it . He thought the money was enough motivation , but Mario knew that it took real emotion , something that could overcome pain and fear , to really fight . Unfortunately , David also didn 't have a good reason to stop . Yet . Mario 's attention quickly left David , however , as the girl across the room , dressed in a pale yellow top that was obviously a hand - me - down and two sizes too big for her , stood up and stretched . She was barely in Mario 's peripheral vision but still caught his attention . It seemed that nearly every movement she made caught his attention . It was enough to drive a guy crazy . That combined with the fact that she was the most amazing person he 'd ever met , that he was totally in love with her . . . and that she was very pregnant with another guy 's baby . Mario had finished the book four days after it was assigned . Not that the other guys knew it . They wouldn 't give him shit about it ; they knew he was smart and mostly they thought it was cool , especially because he never made a big deal about it . But if they knew he 'd finished it , they 'd want him to be their personal Cliff 's Notes instead of reading it themselves . He helped them with math and stuff , no problem and if the book had sucked he might have helped them out with it too , but it was a good story that they 'd like . Especially Nate and Tony . They were smart too ; they just didn 't really give a damn . " Huge . " Sophie cupped her eight - month pregnant belly and smiled . Nobody at the Center was fazed by Sophie 's pregnancy . It hadn 't even cooled Mario 's desire , or what he was starting to think was more than that . He didn 't like the fact that some other guy had touched her . . . and then some . But it was still Sophie . She had fallen for Drake Allen 's good looks , charm and money like every other female who crossed paths with the Homecoming king . However , Drake had denied the kid was his from day one , declaring he 'd never sleep with " trash " like Sophie and claiming she was pointing her finger at him only because of his family 's money . Mario knew better . He 'd seen how Drake treated Sophie after school when his friends were nowhere in sight . He knew Drake was interested in Sophie 's Cover Girl face , Baywatch body and the game of dating a girl from the wrong side and not letting his friends - or father - find out . But a baby put a wrench in things . Sophie had been more angry than hurt by Drake 's rejection . She hadn 't known him long enough to really love him and she was appalled at how quickly he denied everything . She didn 't want his money , or even him really , but she 'd thought he had a right to know about his kid . When he rejected it all , she wrote him off . He forced himself not to spring from his seat . Instead he lifted a shoulder and slowly rolled forward in his chair . " Sure . I could use a walk . " Mario didn 't say anything but reluctantly dropped her hand . She grabbed his again , surprising him . Her hand distracted him . It was so soft and small compared to his . He wasn 't a big guy and had learned early that relying on his smarts was usually more effective and less painful than using his physical strength . But he 'd also grown up in a tough neighborhood . He could hold his own . Still , next to Sophie , he felt big , or maybe it was manly . Sophie made him feel like a man , or at least like he wanted to give being a man a really good try . Mario felt the muscles tense all along his spine . " Are you scared of him ? " he asked . It was bad enough that he had to live with the fact that Drake had seen Sophie naked . If he found out Drake had scared her or been aggressive with her , Mario wasn 't sure he 'd be able to stay out of it . " I don 't know , " Sophie said with a small frown . " I mean I haven 't been before , but he 's used to getting his way . And this is such a turn - around . Before this he wanted nothing to do with me . " " What do you think he wants ? " His voice sounded harsher than it should if he was just a friend , Mario realized . He wondered if Sophie noticed . She shrugged . " The last time we talked he wanted me to get an abortion . But it 's too late for that now . " She rubbed her hand absently over the belly that on her slim build made it look like she had a basketball tucked under her shirt . " Of course , I 'll stay with you , " he assured her . That was no problem . Mario spent five out of seven nights a week at Tony 's or Reuben 's anyway and he knew Thursdays were Sophie 's mom 's night to work the graveyard shift at the diner . " Thanks . " Sophie seemed very relieved . But staying with her to help her avoid Drake wasn 't going to be an issue . They turned the corner and found Nate , Ruben , Luke and Tony engaged in an argument - with a bit of shoving - with Drake and two buddies . Mario quickly turned her back the way they 'd come , but Drake saw them . She faced him . " I know . I feel okay talking to him with you here , though . And I can get it over with . He 'll leave me alone after this , I hope . " Mario knew Drake was a dickhead . But he had a way about him that made Mario feel poor , dumb and weak . The guy had obviously appealed to Sophie enough to get her clothes off at least once and if Drake was her type then Mario didn 't have a chance . Drake reached into his pocket and Mario felt adrenaline surge through him . He was already wound tight just being around Drake with Sophie and he needed only the tiniest reason to pummel the guy . If Drake pulled so much as a toothpick out , Mario was taking him down . Drake thrust his hand toward Sophie , something held between his thumb and index finger . The sun was dropping in the west , but the light caught the diamond on top of the ring . Mario knew nothing about karats and crap like that , but he knew " huge " when he saw it . Instead of the punch - in - the - gut shock and pain Mario felt , Sophie looked suspicious . She crossed her arms . " What 's this really about ? " Everything within Mario rebelled at the idea that Sophie being with Drake was right in any way . But what could he do about it ? How could he take her away from the security and luxury that Drake could offer ? The bastard had tried to get her to have an abortion , but Drake could write his own ticket to any future . Mario had a decent shot at a scholarship to college , where he wanted to study adolescent counseling . But if he didn 't get the full scholarship , he probably couldn 't swing college at all . And if he did go and get his degree , counselors didn 't make the kind of money people with the Allen last name did . " Who says it 's the right thing ? " Sophie asked . She didn 't look overly impressed with the Allen name or the guy with it at the moment . " Oh , I get it , " she said softly , taking a seemingly subconscious step backward . " You don 't care . So , who does , Drake ? Why are you here ? " " Don 't even think about going there , " Sophie said quietly , furiously , once more stepping forward and staring Drake down . " Don 't you dare question if I care about this baby . I am not marrying you . " Mario always thought rage was a hot feeling , but when he saw where Drake 's fingers dug into Sophie 's smooth skin , iciness slipped through him , making him feel cold and hard . He stepped up beside Sophie , and looked directly at Drake . " Let . Go . " Sophie rubbed her arm , looking mad now . " How can I ruin anything for you by letting you off the hook ? " she said to Drake . " If this baby goes to live with someone else then you don 't have to worry about me showing up on your doorstep with a toddler some day . " " Drake , we 're not getting married . This is stupid . Leave me alone . " Sophie turned , taking Mario 's hand and starting in the opposite direction . He looked at her quickly . He wanted to hold her . In spite of the fact that she was standing , incredibly pregnant , refusing the proposal of the only guy she 'd ever slept with . " Since when is this our kid ? " Sophie demanded , whirling to face Drake . " How does your grandfather even know about the baby ? " Instead of looking hurt , Sophie looked ready to smack him . " Well , you 're grandfather is going to have to deal with the fact that he 's only in charge of the things - and people , " she added looking at Drake pointedly , " that he owns . And that I 'm not one of them . " " I know this may shock you , Drake , but I don 't care about your threats . You can 't hurt me . You can 't scare me . And you can 't make me marry you . " She raised her chin slightly . " In fact , I think getting cut off might be good for you . It might teach you how to be a normal person , who has to work for things . " Drake did move then , quickly , grabbing for her , but Mario had anticipated it and stepped between them . Drake was pissed , but he was not going to challenge Mario , especially with Luke , Tony , Nate and Ruben behind them . Drake 's friends wouldn 't have wanted to risk tearing up their designer clothes or marring their pretty faces . " This isn 't going away that easy , " Drake said , pointing a finger at her nose over Mario 's shoulder . Sophie said nothing and Mario stood stoically in Drake 's way of touching Sophie . Finally , Drake swore and turned , stomping off down the sidewalk toward the black sports car parked in front of Sophie 's apartment building . The tires squealed as they left and Mario felt his muscles unclench for the first time since they 'd turned the corner . Or maybe since Sophie had asked him to walk her home . He shrugged . " Me too . " Sophie grimaced . " My mother 's just interested in the money . That 's why she called Drake 's grandfather . I can 't believe she did that . " But Mario knew that Sophie was no more surprised than he was . Her mom was really no different from anyone else who had lived long from paycheck to paycheck . She saw an opportunity to improve their situation and she took it . A person couldn 't be shy about taking advantage of good fortune when it came by . They all shrugged . It was something friends did . It was that simple to all of them . Besides , it was a rare day when Nate and Ruben weren 't in the mood for a scuffle . They didn 't seek fights out like they used to , but they didn 't mind the endorphin rush when one came by . They didn 't seem worried about Sophie in the aftermath . Of course , the kids in the neighborhood , even the girls , were tough . If any of them spent time worrying about all the things that might go wrong for the people they knew and cared about , none of them would get anything else done . " I think I 'll stay for awhile , " Mario said . It was that easy . No protest . No insisting she was fine . Which also meant that she wanted Mario there as more than a friend or neighbor . Sophie unlocked the security door . It could have easily been broken down if someone was serious about getting inside , but it made the old ladies on the first floor feel better . He loved the smell of their apartment , he thought as they stepped inside . Mario watched Sophie shift through the mail , read a short note from her mom and kick her shoes toward the living room . He 'd been there a number of times , but he was always struck by the smell . It smelled clean and fresh , with just a hint of sweetness , like Sophie . He wanted to smell that smell every day for the rest of his life . He stopped in the doorway and watched her freeze with the milk jug in one hand and the lid in the other . She turned to look at him . " I wasn 't going to put Drake 's name on the birth certificate . " " He could always come back later . If someone else 's name was on there then Drake has no claim on the baby now or later . " Or on you , he added silently . " So , just make up a name ? " she asked . She frowned . " I don 't know if you can do that . They might need ID or something . " He nodded , his mouth suddenly very dry . " Only you and that person would know that you didn 't really have sex . Even Drake would believe it if you tell him that you slept with him and the other guy within a few days of each other . Then he 'd leave you alone . He could tell his grandfather that you made a mistake and he 's off the hook too . Then he has no reason to bother you anymore . " ' Mario was worried for a moment that she 'd be offended by having people think she was the kind of girl to sleep with two guys within only a few days time frame . But Sophie was smart . Helping her baby was more important to her than her reputation . She nodded slowly . " That 's true . " Then she frowned harder . " But who would do that ? Why would someone claim a baby that wasn 't theirs ? " Here was the moment . The opening he 'd wanted . Now he just had to un - stick his tongue from the roof of his mouth . " Yeah , I guess so . " " So why would someone do that ? Then they 'd be forever tied to that baby . Then someday , when the baby wants to know her real parents , she would track that person down . What would that person say then ? " Mario moved forward until only about three steps separated them . " He would tell the truth . That he loved her mom and her , but that they were too young to be good parents and wanted her to have a better life . " " I wish I was the guy you should be putting on the birth certificate . Maybe if I hadn 't been such a chicken I would have told you how I felt a long time ago and you would have never been with Drake . I can 't change that , but I can be the guy now . " " It makes sense . Drake doesn 't really want to be , you don 't want him to be , I sure as hell don 't want him to be . And that baby maybe doesn 't know it yet , but she doesn 't want him to be either . " She dropped her gaze to the floor and Mario heard a strange hiccupping noise . Her shoulders started to shake and she covered her mouth . He stepped forward and put a hand on either shoulder , forcing her to look at him . She was laughing and crying at the same time . He held her for a long time , just relishing the feel of her in his arms . Loving the feel of her belly against him , even as he wished he could have those few inches to be closer to her . But finally her words sank in . He pulled back . She gave him a wobbly smile and sniffed . " I 've been in love with you for so long . But you were so focused on college and everything and I didn 't think you were interested in girls . Then I messed up with Drake that one stupid time . Once I knew I was pregnant , how could I even think that you would be interested ? What guy would want to take all of that on ? " She hugged him again tightly and laughed . " It 's weird , huh ? The baby that I was sure would be the major turn - off is what made us finally confess . " He looked down . " Is she trying to push me away ? " But he smiled . Sophie laughed . " I think she 's saying hi . " She looked up , her eyes bright with tears and happiness . " To her dad . " He knew Drake wasn 't waiting for Sophie . She 'd been at the Center for nearly an hour already . She went straight after school while Mario helped with math tutoring after school . Drake got out of the car as Mario approached . He appeared to be alone . Mario still considered going back the other way , not because he was scared of Drake but because he was afraid of what he 'd be temped to do to Drake with no witnesses around . Mario slowed his steps and took a long drag on his cigarette . He 'd put fighting behind him a year ago when he 'd been brought to the Center by Miss Bradford 's brother , unconscious and bleeding . He didn 't want to start up again . But he would . Mario stopped . Shit . So Sophie had already told Drake that Mario was the baby 's father . He was pleased she hadn 't hesitated to use the story , but he should have known that it was too easy . The fact that Sophie was in love with him was too amazing . He couldn 't possibly have the good fortune to have everything else fall right into place too . He turned , took a final draw on the cigarette and then flicked the butt along the curb . " So ? " He really wanted another cigarette . He wasn 't going to smoke around Sophie and the baby at all , but that meant making the most of the times she wasn 't with him , which wouldn 't be often if he had his way . It would really be much easier to just quit . " So , I think we both know what the test will show . " Mario gave up the daydream of a calming smoke and concentrated on the reality in front of him . " See , if you 're the father then that means Sophie cheated on me with you . And I can 't live with that . No chick picks anyone over me , especially a guy like you . " Mario really wanted to pop him right in the nose . Just once . Nice and hard . And not even for Sophie 's sake so much for the sake of all the people Drake had shit on over the years . " You tellin ' me this for a reason ? " Mario asked . " You denied the whole thing for so long , not that many people even believe that you were with Sophie . " Mario clenched his jaw hard . " See , I 've got to be sure that no guy tries to mess with my stuff in the future . If you get away with this , who knows what might happen next ? " Sophie was part of his ' stuff ' ? Mario made a tight fist , but tamped down the urge to use it . Sophie wasn 't Drake 's anything anymore . Mario almost laughed . They both knew there was no way Drake could kick Mario 's ass . " The only way that 's happening is if I take a fall . " Drake shrugged . " Then the test comes back for real and Sophie is with me . I can think of worse things . The sex was never the problem . " Mario came at him almost too quickly to pull back . Drake scrambled backward , his eyes wide . Mario 's left knee caught the corner of the fender as he lunged for Drake . Pain raced to his brain , cutting through his enraged focus on Drake and halting his momentum . He pulled in a few deep breaths , his blood still pumping with angry adrenaline . Oh , he 'd lose . Eventually . But he wouldn 't go down easy and he certainly wouldn 't go down without getting in a few " convincing " blows of his own . Drake watched him , obviously trying to read his sincerity . Finally he nodded once and moved toward the driver 's car door . Mario didn 't move and Drake had a hard time making a wide berth around Mario and the irate tension coming off of him while still reaching the car door . But he did it , and squealed away from the curb . It just sucked . That was all there was to it . He was sitting in the large overstuffed armchair in the TV area of the Center with his arm around Sophie , her snuggled up against his side , his hand resting on her stomach feeling the baby kick . It was the first time they were hanging out as more than friends with the rest of their Center buddies . Everyone was completely at ease , it seemed , though with him and Sophie as a couple . He should have been totally content . Mario was glad he hadn 't had a haircut for awhile . The gash on his left temple from Drake 's big - ass school ring would have freaked Sophie out , not to mention Miss Bradford , the other Miss Bradford and probably even Doc T . Really , he just wanted to go to sleep . He loved being close like this with Sophie , but damn his head throbbed and now his stomach was turning too . Nobody noticed the seemingly slight shift , most eyes on the movie on the TV . Sophie just snuggled closer , her head resting on his chest . Sophie 's voice sounded far away and Mario realized his eyes were closed . Slowly he became aware that she was saying his name . It was really difficult but he managed to get his eyelids up . He lifted his head from the back of the chair and felt really nauseous . If only talking to her didn 't involve looking at her . " I 'm okay . " But he liked the idea of the baby having the same name . He liked it a lot . He stood up , needing to get to the bathroom for some cold water , or peace and quiet , or something . He just didn 't feel right . Mario stood up and felt steady for about four seconds before the floor shifted , knocking him off his feet . Someone knocked on the door to his hospital room . Mario sighed . He should be exhausted . His mom had been here to put on the show for the cops who had arrived to do a follow - up on the injuries the hospital had been required to report . Of course , the social workers had come up anyway . Her I 'm - the - best - most - concerned - mother - in - the - world act was getting less and less convincing . Probably because she was putting less effort into it . When he was younger , she received financial aid based on being a single mom in school . She was still ' in school ' , but he was almost an adult . When he turned eighteen she wasn 't going to get to claim him anymore . He even gave her money sometimes now . Which was the reason she wanted to keep him under her roof and not some foster parents ' roof as long as she could . Still , she was his mom and had never hurt him physically , had never told him she hated him or anything , and could be fun to be around when she hadn 't been drinking and was around . Besides , she 'd had nothing to do with his current situation . And he didn 't want to go to all the trouble of moving all of his stuff to a new place for the few months before he could be officially independent . Anyway , all of those people were long gone and the only person he wanted to see was Sophie , who wasn 't answering her cell phone , couldn 't be found at the Center by the part - time volunteer who answered the office phone , and wasn 't picking up at home . So , this was probably just a nurse or someone who wanted to suck more blood out of his arm . He closed his eyes and sunk down farther in his bed , pretending to be asleep . It wouldn 't keep them from sticking needles in him , but he could avoid some idle conversation . There was another knock . Then he heard the door latch click as someone came in . He opened one eye a slit to see if it was the young , hot girl who made the blood - sucking a least a little more pleasant . " Hey . " Mario worked hard on not grimacing as he pushed himself back up to sitting . " Hey , " Tony said hesitantly , standing just inside the door , barely giving Rueben room to let the door shut . Reuben seemed to be having trouble looking at Mario . He knew that other than the IV needle stuck in his arm , there was no external sign that Mario was not completely normal . The sheet covered the incision on his stomach , the incision on his head was in the back , away from Reuben 's line of sight and even the goose - egg and cut on his head from the fight were healing . " What 's up ? " He was glad to see them . Lying around like this for the past three days sucked . He hated being here by himself . Both the Miss Bradfords and Sam had showed up , of course . And other kids from the Center had been by . But he 'd wondered where his friends were . " Get in here . You look like wusses standing around by the door , " Mario ordered . Tony gave him a sheepish grin and ambled forward , his hands in the front pockets of his jeans . As he got closer , he took in the IV pole , the bag of fluid and the long tube from the bag to his arm . " I can 't believe that asshole , " Tony said with disgust . " What a pussy . He couldn 't beat you without . . . " He stopped and swallowed hard . Tony flinched but nodded . So he 'd heard it right : when Mario had shown up for fight night like it was supposed to be , it had only been Drake and his three buddies . And the baseball bat . But none of it mattered now . He wasn 't pressing charges or anything . It was over . Not that he trusted Drake and he certainly hadn 't been looking to get attacked like that , but he probably should have been . But there would be no more than this . Now Drake would walk away and for that Mario would take ten more beatings . Reuben looked ill when Mario turned his attention to him . " What 's with you man ? " Mario finally demanded of his big , unusually quiet friend . " You got a problem ? " Reuben had never seen a doctor after a fight even though one of his fingers was crooked from being broken and he had at least two scars that would have definitely been stitched if someone had seen him . Did he think Mario was weak , laying here ? He 'd show him differently . Mario swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pushed himself up to sitting . " What the hell are you talking about ? " Reuben drew up to his full six feet and three inches . " I 'm sorry I wasn 't there . Sorry I didn 't have your back . " Mario shook his head . " They set it up for me to be alone . If it hadn 't been there , it would have been somewhere else . Sometime . " He felt dizzy , but he didn 't dare show that to his friends . They felt bad enough . " She 's worth it , " he said . " Both , " Mario said . He took as deep a breath as he dared . Though sitting up was fine once he was there . Now the baby could come . Everything was settled . Sophie and Grace were all his . " Hey , get that pole , " Mario said to Tony , gesturing toward his IV pole on the other side of the bed . " I need a soda bad . " And he needed to show his friends that he was okay . Maybe that would help with his lightheadedness . He 'd been without caffeine for awhile now . Mario pushed up off the edge of the bed , firmly gripping the bed railing and trying to seem like he wasn 't firmly gripping the bed railing . He wasn 't exactly steady , but it was okay . He couldn 't jog down the hall , but he could shuffle . Belatedly , Mario felt the draft across his naked butt . " Quit looking at my stuff . " He pulled the hospital grown together in back . Tony just laughed . " Hard to miss , man . " He came around the end of the bed rolling the IV pole . " I 'm sure Sophie won 't be complainin ' , but I don 't know about her mom . " Tony headed toward the door . Mario followed behind , like a dog on a leash , the length of the plastic IV tubing limiting how far away he could let Tony get . " What do you mean ? " " I mean that I don 't think Sophie 's mom wants to see your naked ass when you 're visiting her daughter . " Tony kept walking , but Mario stopped and grabbed the IV tubing before it could pull the needle from his arm . Tony came up short as the IV pole started to tip . He caught it and frowned at Mario . " What the hell ? " Mario felt like the floor had just tilted . He braced his hand on the wall . " Is she . . . are they . . . is Sophie . . . and the baby . . . okay ? " But of course she wasn 't . She was in the hospital . Probably scared . And he was two floors away . The floor righted itself , his stomach unclenched , his throat opened up and his caffeine deficit ceased to matter . " Get my pants . " He lifted his hand , ripped the tape off of the back where the IV needle was and then pulled the needle out . He barely felt the sting . IV fluid ran out of the tube onto the floor . But his brain refused to focus on anything except the thought that he had to get to Sophie . She wasn 't going to do this without him . His daughter was not coming into this world without him . " We 'll take the stairs , " he said to Reuben , starting for the door . He jogged the twenty feet down the hall . His head spun as he yanked the door to the stairwell open and a dull pain throbbed to life over his right temple . Stress , worry , the urge to take four steps at once all the way to the sixth floor all combined he was sure . It was late enough that no one was in the elevator to see him strip off the hospital gown and pull on the pants as they ascended . Not that he would have cared . He was bare - chested and barefoot , but he 'd be there . He didn 't think Sophie would mind . She was going to be distracted anyway . If anyone else cared , tough shit . That was his family up there and nothing could keep him away from them . They didn 't answer and he looked up to find Reuben staring , his face white , at the large bandage across his stomach . Mario glanced down . There was blood seeping through . " You looked like hell . I got distracted by feeling guilty , " Tony said grimly . Then he lifted his eyes to Mario 's . " And I had to concentrate on not puking when I saw your bare ass . " He was about to be a dad and he knew he could count on Tony and Reuben to think his baby daughter was beautiful . He could hardly stay mad at them for forgetting to tell him Sophie was in labor . They cheated on algebra tests and thought fart jokes were funny , but they 'd do anything for Grace the minute she was born simply because Mario said she was his . Mario 's head pounded like a son of a bitch . It was damned dark , too . As he turned his head , he realized his eyes were closed . And that his head pounded worse when he tried to turn it . He tried to open his eyes , but it felt like someone had super - glued them shut . He struggled against the hold of whatever it was keeping him in the dark and from moving . He tried to push , pull , thrash somehow against it , but not knowing what it was , he was disoriented and hurting and scared . He put every bit of energy . . . and fear . . . into moving . He felt the fingers on his right hand twitch slightly . A soft gasp followed , that he didn 't think came from him . Sophie . All the tension left his body and his eyelids lifted . He tried to smile and form the word ' hi ' but neither seemed to work . Except his eyes , thank God . Sophie looked beautiful and worried . And his right hand worked , kind - of . He felt her squeeze his hand as her eyes filled with tears . " Hi , " Sophie whispered with a smile . She leaned in and kissed his temple . Everything came flooding back to him . He was in the hospital . He 'd had surgery . Sophie had been in labor . He 'd gotten on the elevator with Tony and Reuben . . . and there was nothing in his memory after that . What the hell ? " Are you okay ? " he managed to whisper . It didn 't sound like his voice and it really hurt to talk . " I 'm great , " she answered . " Grace is great too , " she said , knowing he would want to know . " She was five pounds and three ounces . Eighteen inches long . She 's got dark hair and is really happy . " Sophie 's eyes filled again , but she still smiled . " Is she . . . " He trailed off , not because of the difficulty with talking but because he didn 't know how to ask about the baby . He wanted to meet her , to see her , and hold her just once . But that seemed impossible now . " She 's still here , " Sophie said , putting a cool hand against his forehead . " They 've been here to see her , " she said , referring to the family who were going to adopt Grace . " But the doctor wants her to stay until tomorrow since she was early . She 's eating well , doing fine , though , " Sophie assured him . " But . . . " " Dr . Torres ? " Mario croaked . Sophie ran her hand back and forth from his forehead to the top of his head and back . " He operated on you two of the three times . " She smiled . " Miss Bradford said he really wanted to do all of it , but he doesn 't do brains . Miss Sara , " Sophie clarified at Mario 's questioning look . It amazed him that Sophie knew so much about what he was thinking without him being able to talk . " Mario , " she said gently . She took a deep breath when he looked at her . " They are trying to keep me from seeing Grace . They said it would be easier tomorrow . " Mario closed his eyes . Grace was going home with her family tomorrow . They were great . The man was an eye doctor , the woman stayed home with their older daughter , whom they 'd also adopted . She was now three and very excited about having a baby sister . Both Mario and Sophie felt great about the choice . And , while they loved Grace , they knew that this was right . Still , he wanted to see her . Just once . They were too young for all of this ; too young to be parents ; too young to get married or anything like that . They hadn 't even gone on a real date . They had made the right decision about Grace . " Hi , Dr . Torres , " Sophie said , wiping her eyes as she straightened . He came into the room . " Good to see you awake , " he said to Mario . Mario found a smile for the doctor . " Thought you 'd like to know that I 've done some checking on things , " Dr . Torres said . " One of the physical therapists is going to come up and help you get up on his feet . We 'll see how that goes , but I think it will go well enough to get you up to the nursery . " Dr . Torres nodded once . " I know we 're working on a tight time frame here . I promise to get you up there in time . Okay ? " Mario believed him . His heart felt like it expanded so quickly it took his breath away . " Thank you , Dr . Torres ! " Sophie wrapped her arms around Ben 's waist and hugged him tight , her cheek against his sternum . He smiled and hugged Sophie back , but then met Mario 's eyes over her head . " If you 're sure you want to ? " he asked . " It 's going to be tough to say goodbye anyway . Seeing her might make it worse . She 's beautiful . " Mario felt pride in the compliment , in spite of the fact that none of Grace 's physical features could come from him . Mario knew Dr . Torres was right and he took a moment to seriously consider the question . Did he want to see her ? Would he still be able to say goodbye tomorrow ? " Yeah , " he finally said . " We know it will be hard , " Sophie said , moving to the edge of the bed and taking Mario 's hand . " But this is the right thing . We can give her love , but this family can her love and everything else . " Sophie tucked her hair behind her ear . " Grace deserves everything else , you know ? " Sophie squeezed Mario 's hand . " It 's going to be hard , " she said , propping her hip on the edge of the mattress . " We know that . But good parents do things that are hard for them but good for their kids all the time , right ? " Dr . Torres recovered with a small shake of his head . " Grace 's very lucky . I 'll make sure everything is set up . " He turned toward the door with a smile . " Hey , doc , " Mario said . " Yeah ? " He paused with his hand on the door handle . Mario wanted to say a lot of things , but could only manage , " Thanks for everything , " partly because of his still raw throat and partly because of the emotions making that same throat really tight . 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On the 24th we celebrated " German Christmas " , as that 's when Germans celebrate normally , and as Peter and Christin were leaving on the 25th in the wee hours . That meant we got to light the candles on the tree a day earlier than usual , as my husband won 't let me light them until we open presents , and as he 's married to a U . S . - ian who thinks it 's silly to open presents after dinner and have hyper children who don 't want to go to bed , we generally celebrate on the 25th . But the few " German presents " didn 't take that long , and the children went to bed fairly happily , still anticipating Christmas morning . They weren 't even that upset about saying goodbye to Peter and Christin , as we 'll see them in Germany in February . Rather than the free - for - all I grew up with , we all take turns taking a gift from under the tree and handing it to the right person . I imagine that " normal " children would choose something that they think is for themselves , but this is one of the times that I 'm glad my children aren 't normal . : - ) I myself am not at all into gift - giving and would rather do away with it all together , but the children have apparently all inherited their father 's main love - language and delight in giving gifts . Katie started , and chose the gift that she had made at preschool ( where , two days a week , I work and she attends ) for us . Then Lukas excitedly chose a gift from himself to one of his siblings , and on it went . The children were always pleasantly surprised and grateful for what they received , but were over - the - moon hyper with excitement about what they gave . Around 10 : 00 the phone rang - - it was Peter . Last week the airport in Frankfurt ( which was where they were flying ) had been closed because of snow , forcing 3000 people to spend the night there , so I said , " So you made it ! Good ! " Peter said , " No , actually we liked Cyprus so much that we decided to stay - - we 're in Ayia Napa ! " I laughed and said that I know that I 'm gullible and tend to believe whatever people tell me , but I wasn 't falling for it this time . I could hear Christin laughing hysterically in the background , and it took awhile , but they finally convinced me that they were , indeed , in a hotel in Ayia Napa . The runway lights weren 't working , so everyone had been taken by bus to a hotel in Ayia Napa , where they had gotten to bed around 3 : 30 and had just finished a big breakfast ! They said that the hotel was nice and the food was good , but it was awful being surrounded by so many " fat tourists " and the " scenery " basically consisted of one hotel after another . They were very glad to have seen a bit more of the " real " Cyprus with us that most tourists ever do . They were going to be taken back to the airport at 11 : 30 , and with a direct flight to Frankfurt , I imagine that they did eventually arrive . I did find an article on - line about the airport closure , but wasn 't able to confirm if they now have the runway lights fixed . I selfishly certainly hope so , as we 're flying at 3 : 00 a . m . in two days ! ! We have a six - hour lay - over in Frankfurt ( after changing planes in Prague ) , so there 's a little bit of lee - way , but as our flights are not connecting ( we booked separate tickets from here to Frankfurt and back , and from Frankfurt to San Francisco and back , which was considerably less expensive that booking all the way from Cyprus to San Francisco ) , I 'm not sure what would happen if we were to miss the other flight - - and I don 't particularly want to find out , either . We were concerned about weather in Prague and Frankfurt , but it never occurred to us to wonder if Larnaca Airport would be open ! ! ! Christmas dinner was scrumptious ( tender , HOT turkey - - not something I 'm used to ! ) and the company was even better . The children behaved fairly decently , for the most part . I love visiting people , but sometimes find my own children 's behavior to be so stressful for me ( even when it 's not even bothering our hosts ) that I can 't always relax as much as I 'd like to . After dinner , chatting , and dessert ( half a dozen different delicious things , for which we didn 't have room , but didn 't let that stop us ! ! ) , we drugged some of the children with a movie , and the adults ( five of us , as Sue and Richard 's son Tim was also there , visiting from England ) and Jacob played Settlers of Catan with the Seafarers extention , which they had received for Christmas . I 'm rather " Settler - ed out " ( and I know we 'll have three more weeks of it in the U . S . . . ) , but as always , the best part is the people . : - ) Children to bed , and we weren 't long in following - - and didn 't get woken up for good this morning until nearly 9 : 00 ! ! ( The previous post is about this morning . . . ) Today we have about 18 YWAM people coming at 2 : 00 for lunch and singing ( oh yeah - - I 'm supposed to be looking for the words to a few songs in various languages . . . ) and exchanging " white elephant " or " monster " gifts . I 'm trying desparately to get clothes washed and dried ( and it started raining about half an hour ago . . . I might actually put the drying rack in my bedroom and turn on the heating , as I 'm running out of other options ) for packing tomorrow afternoon / evening , and then we 're off . And after those next six weeks ( three in the U . S . , which will include a wedding , two anniversaries , three days at Disneyland , three birthdays , and maybe even some time with friends , and then three in Germany , for which we already have over 30 different meetings with people planned . . . ) , we are REALLY going to need a vacation . . . Four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a pre - natal check - up , mostly just because I wanted an ultrasound to have some idea of a due date , not being at all sure . ( When I said I really didn 't know how far I was , the doctor looked down again at my paperwork , listing all eight previous pregnancies , raised his eyebrows , and said something like , " By now you really ought to have some idea . " ) The baby 's head - rump measurement spit out an age of 11 weeks ( well , 9 weeks for the baby , 11 weeks as doctors count ) , due date June 15th , 2010 . Anyway , I was there last time for 2 1 / 2 hours for a total of less than five minutes with the doctor , and as I was leaving , there was a near - riot going on in the waiting area , with dozens of pregnant women yelling at a man in hospital clothes . While I myself had been waiting , women had been comparing their appointment times , and there were several with 9 : 00 , one with 9 : 20 , and several with 9 : 30 . That was after 10 : 00 when they were looking at them - - and I didn 't even have an appointment at all , being told one wasn 't necessary . After several women who had definitely arrived after I had had elbowed their way in , five women ( two English , two Cypriot , and one who spoke neither English nor Greek but agreed with the others that I should definitely be next ) pushed me in the next time the door opened . Quite an experience . Anyway , I 'm glad I was out of there before the riot started , but felt bad for all the others still stuck there . In any case , I let myself be talked into going back today for another check - up , with the idea that if the baby 's size four weeks later still matched that due date , I 'd be reassured of the due date , as I 'd been told that I 'd have another ultrasound . Also , I know someone whose twins were NOT seen at 12 weeks , so it was good to confirm today that there IS only one baby ! But the doctor didn 't take any measurements today , just checked the heartbeat , then as he turned off the ultrasound machine said , " How many sons and daughters do you have ? " I told him , and then he said , " Well , it looks like you might have - - " and I quickly interrupted him and said " Don 't tell me ! I don 't want to know ! " He was rather surprised at that , and then said that he wasn 't really sure , anyway , but IF I go back at all , I 'll be sure to mention BEFORE they start that I don 't want to know the baby 's gender ! But I really , really don 't want to go back . I had been given " the first appointment " , at 7 : 30 this morning . I was indeed the first person there - - the doctor and an assistant didn 't arrive until 8 : 20 . But shortly after I arrived , other pregnant women started arriving . That 's where the language practice came in , because happily , the first one to arrive spoke very little English , in fact , not more than I speak Greek . So although I 'd officially learned how to tell time in Greek on paper , I could never remember it , but now I can . : - ) It 's her first baby and she 's in the ninth month , and she had an appointment for 8 : 00 . The next woman to arrive didn 't sit down with us , but went and stood right at the door to the room where they take blood pressure and weight . The one after that was another Cypriot who spoke little English , then a Muslim woman arrived , then another who didn 't talk , and then a Nigerian who spoke no Greek at all , but English , and had her six - month - old son with her . By 8 : 15 there were 10 of us , and then at 8 : 20 the assistant went into her office , and lady number 3 had pushed her way into the room before anyone else could react . However , the rest of us ( those who were sitting - - there are only six chairs - - as well as the others standing around ) quickly moved over to the door , leaving most of the chairs empty - - one was still occupied by a father . When the door opened , two women tried to push in front of me but I managed to slip in . My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed ( just like last time , the doctor 's scale gives me four more kilos that my scale - - I like my scale MUCH better ! ! ) , was scolded for not having had an amniocentesis ( I 'd declined four weeks ago , which the doctor hadn 't had a problem with ) , was handed my file , and got to go wait in the hallway again to get into the doctor 's office . Arrival number 4 was the third one into the assistant 's office , arrival number 2 was the fourth one in , I didn 't pay attention after that , as I was enjoying chatting with the English woman I had met four weeks ago . WhWhen I got home , I called the three phone numbers I 'd been given ( by a lady who now lives in the U . K . , but whose homebirth story I 'd found by googling " homebirth Cyprus " , as she had her baby at home in Cyprus two years ago ) of a doula and two midwives who are reputed to attend homebirths . I left a message with one midwife 's voicemail and there weren 't any answers from the other two , but the doula called me back almost immediately . She 's leaving on vacation tomorrow , but we 're going to talk again in February , and she sounded quite encouraging . Efficiency doesn 't happen to be one , either , but we did get a temporary reprieve at Immigration today . No real progress , but the good news is that I 'll be able to leave Cyprus in two weeks without being given the third degree about why I 've been here longer than my three - month tourist visa allowed , and I 'll be able to re - enter once , by the 15th of February . ( We get back the 12th . ) The first person he talked to didn 't think that what he was saying made any sense , but finally told him to go to " Block 7 " - - the complex apparently has something like 9 buildings - - which is where they deal with non - European foreigners . So Jörn went there and found it was closed . He got in a side entrance and was told that really , they 're closed until January , as they 're in the process of moving . ( The only surprising part is that this is practically the first place in Nikosia that we 've been to that had not YET moved from the address we were given . . . ) No , of course they won 't give letters saying that my application is in process - - who told him so ? Does he have a copy of the application ? Good , because as they 're in the process of moving , they don 't know where anything is . ( See , this is why we always take EVERYTHING , not just what they say they 'll need . . . ) The friendly lady made a copy , talked with her boss , and came back and said no problem , they can issue me with a one - time , re - entry visa . Where are the stamps , please ? My husband asked what stamps , and was told that he needs " revenue stamps from the post office , worth € 10 . 27 . " So then Jörn asked where the post office was , and the lady said that she had just explained it to this other applicant , in Greek , who was standing next to Jörn , so Jörn could just give her the money and she could get the stamps for both of them . Jörn politely declined handing over the money , but did walk out to the parking lot with the lady and asked her where the post office was . She said she had no idea , somewhere near the Presidential Palace , but she didn 't know where that was . Jörn did know , however , so was able to tell her , and then they drove off in their separate cars . However , I still don 't have a yellow slip ( the registration paper , giving me permission to live here indefinitely ) , and the lady seemed to think it amusing that Jörn even asked her when that might happen . She told him to come back when we get back to Cyprus in February - - at their new premises in the Old General Hospital . At least I do know where the Old General Hospital is , as I had to find that in order to find the Ministry of Health , and I imagine that we can count on Immigration not moving AGAIN before we can get there , so that 's good . . . I should have posted an update before , but there unfortunately wasn 't ever any exciting news . My husband went to Nikosia ( as he is the European , and as men tend to receive a bit more respect here , we thought it made more sense for him to go than for me to . . . ) on the day they said that my registration should be ready , and they went through the entire rigmarole again : " We need such and such paper . " " You have such and such paper . Right there . " " Oh , okay . Then we need to make another copy . " Etc . I don 't remember all the details anymore , but very frustrating . The only interesting part was that the head of the department heard Jörn speaking German with the children ( he had two or three with him ) and was intrigued : it turned out that this man had lived in Bochum for 12 years , very close to where we used to live . So they spoke German with each other and the man promised to be on the case and gave Jörn his extension number and told him to call the following week . The following week Jörn called several dozen times , eventually reached him and was told that my registration was ready , but that he didn 't know where it was at the moment , so please call back in an hour . Jörn called back in an hour , dialing many , many times . ( He didn 't count . ) Then he started making lunch and handed the phone to me , and I tried over 30 times . No answer . We kept trying in the next few days , including ( at the suggestion of several other people ) trying from other phone numbers , in case they had blocked our number . No success . In the meantime , I had really hoped to go to Germany for the first week of December for a conference about families on the mission field . I was going to take Helen and my friend Sue , whom Helen is crazy about , to take care of Helen . I 'd hoped to leave on a Friday ( the conferenced started the following Tuesday ) , but on Thursday , still having no news , we found flights for Monday morning ( well , middle of the night , to be exact . . . ) instead , but still didn 't book . On Monday Sue let me know that if by some miracle my registrationPosted by Today was much more frustrating than yesterday , although much shorter . We left at 9 : 45 , got photocopies made of the paperwork from yesterday , and were at immigration by just past 10 : 00 . Marie , Lukas , and Katie stayed outside on the rocks under the trees and Helen and I waited in the hallway , where an old man gave me a seat , then a younger woman gave the old man a seat , and everyone was very friendly and talking with Helen . After about half an hour , it was my turn . The lady at the reception desk said that Mrs . Maria is not there and won 't be back until December 1st , please come back in December . I said that they must have the file , though - - could somebody else help me , please ? She sighed , called a colleague , and I got to go into an inner office . At this point , Helen started fussing , refused to nurse , didn 't want to play with anything , and eventually started screaming . She has a very loud , piercing scream . While she was screaming and I was trying to talk with the lady , Katie came in , took her shoes off , and started to roll around on the floor , and when I told her to put her shoes on and stand up , she had a temper tantrum . I sat her on a chair , not particularly gently , and kept trying to talk with the lady who didn 't feel particularly responsible for me . She first tried to tell me that I need to apply for a yellow slip . I explained that we had applied in JANUARY , that we had been there FOUR times already . She finally looked for - - and found - - our file , and said that I need medical insurance for my " babies " . ( The Greek word that actually means " baby " is used for children of all ages , and Greek - speakers , even those quite fluent in English , tend to use the word " baby " in English , rather than child . Lukas and Katie do NOT like it when they say that to them , but I digress . ) I said , " Yes , I have the E106 here , and the Cypriot medical card . " She wasn 't the slightest bit interested in the E106 , but took the medical card off to photocopy . Then she came back again ( Helen was still screaming , by the way , but Katie had gone back outside to Marie and Lukas ) and said , " Now we can send your application to Nikosia . " I said , " My application has already been SENT to Nikosia , and returned to you here . Mrs . Maria called me and said that I only need to provide proof of medical insurance for the children , then I can be given the yellow slip . " She said no , since I 'm American , my paperwork all has to be done in Nikosia , they can 't do anything here in Larnaka . However , the lady who is doing Mrs . Maria 's work at the moment will be in on Monday , so I can come again on Monday as of 7 : 30 , if I want . But everything will HAVE to be sent to Nikosia , and they now have everything required , so there 's really no reason for me to come back in on Monday . I asked how long it will take ( as last time we were at this point , they said up to five months ) , and she said one week . With Helen still screaming , I finally said okay , and left . I got all the children in the car , Helen finally nursed and calmed down , and then I left all the children in the car and went back in . ( I ignored lines and simply walked into the inner office . ) I asked if it would be possible for ME to go to Nikosia , and she said yes , of course , and gave me a slip of paper with the address . Not having much faith in addresses in the meantime ( not to mention that there is no place to look up addresses in Cyprus . . . ) , I asked her if she could show me on the map where the immigration office in Nikosia is . She said yes , of course , and she and another colleague spent a very long time looking and my map and pointing out streets that they knew and having some long discussion of which I basically only understood the prepositions and conjuctions ( while useful bits of speech , they don 't help much in following a conversation ) , and finally told me no , they couldn 't . I asked if they could then give me my paperwork , please , so that I could take it to Nikosia , and they said no , they will send it , that they have to send it to the police there . This made NO sense to me , I explained again that Mrs . Maria had said that everything is done , they were just waiting for the children 's medical insurance , but she wasn 't particularly interested . I explained that I hope to go to Germany at the beginning of December ( oh yeah - - that 's another story , except that there really isn 't one yet , since without the yellow slip , I can 't go ) and that I 'm running out of time , and she said again , " One week . " I went back and sat in the car for a long time , with my head on the steering wheel , ignoring the children 's fussing , etc . , then finally left , and was home again by 11 : 15 . Jörn called around 12 : 00 and I told him the story , and he 's going to go in Monday morning at 7 : 30 . But at that point , my paperwork will probably all have been sent to Nikosia anyway . I 'm just remembering that I never finished the passport saga , so I suppose I should finish that first . We borrowed a friend 's car so Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics and I could go to Nikosia on a Thursday afternoon . I tried somewhere around a dozen times to telephone to confirm that that was really okay , but there was never any answer . Just before leaving town , though , I tried one more time and got an answer - - the first lady told me yes , of course , no problem , but she 'd just check if her colleague was in that day . Her colleague was in and said no , of course I couldn 't renew my passport in the afternoon - - only in the morning . So much for that afternoon , although I then did go get new passport photos - - at a different place , one Euro less , and four photos instead of two , but with my typical " Yuck - - I hate having my photo taken " face . Anyway , I went the following Monday morning leaving home at 6 : 30 . I of course hit rush hour in Nikosia , so didn 't get to the embassy until nearly 8 : 00 , and it was about two hours until I was through , but there were no problems , and three days later I got an e - mail telling me my passport was ready to be picked up . The trip to pick it up was totally uneventful - - I even left absolutely everything except my car keys and my old passport in the car , to make security easy . ( But they had cubbies for purses and such - - I 'd had to leave the diaper bag there the first time , although when I then said out loud to Helen , " Okay , Helen , no pooping , " they did let me take out one diaper and the wipes to take in with me . . . ) First of all , Cyprus is part of the European Union . Jörn and the children are Europeans , and I 'm not only married to a European , I have permanent German residency status . Therefore , it should be a very straightforward matter to register our family here in Cyprus . Within a week or two of arriving , Jörn went to the immigration office and got , in writing , a list of what we needed to have in order to register . In June we all showed up for the appointment , and after waiting outside for a long time , they called Jörn in , but looked confused about why he had bothered to bring along his wife and five children , and asked us to wait outside . So we waited outside in the parking lot in the June heat of Cyprus while Jörn was inside the air - conditioned building . ( There were trees , at least , but no seats . ) They changed their mind about certain requirements and asked us to return in July . In July we all went again , and this time , although most of the meeting was with Jörn alone while we again waited in the parking lot ( but this time I had brought water and snacks , at least ) , they did call us in at the end to check each face against the passports . Jörn and the children were all granted " yellow slips " ( not quite residence permits , but the idea is basically the same - - legal permission to be here ) , but the evil American was told that her paperwork had to be sent to Nikosia . They said that it could take up to five months , which would be the end of December , and that if it did indeed take that long , they could no longer give me a yellow slip , as my passport was due to expire June 11th , 2010 , and had to be valid for at least six months past date of issue of the yellow slip - - in other words , if they took until after December 11th to approve me , then I would no longer be approved . That was one reason I had to get a new passport . ( I needed a new one anyway because it was questionable as to whether , when we return to Cyprus next February , they would let me in with a passport only valid for another four months . Some people said three months is fine , but we 've heard so much conflicting information for so many countries that it 's better not to risk it . ) Then at some point , the immigration office here in Larnaka called and said that they had everything back from Nikosia , and that Larnaka was in trouble with Nikosia for having granted the children yellow slips , as they had " no proof of health insurance . " Of course , now it was too late , as they HAD given the children yellow slips , however , ever since then , they 've been holding MY yellow slip hostage until we provide sufficient proof of health insurance for the children . ( The fact that we have USED this health insurance for four of the children , multiple times and twice at the emergency room , in the 10 months we have been here , is irrelevant . ) I have completely lost track of how many phone calls Jörn has made to Germany and to various offices in Larnaka , and he 's visited four or five different offices here , as well , as he 's been told at each one that a different one is responsible . We eventually obtained the required E106 form from our health insurance in Germany , which states that Jörn Lange , his wife Sheila Lange , and " all members of his household " are covered by complete health insurance . This form is of course in German , but it 's a fill - in - the - blank form , with numbered blanks , and the idea is that these " E " forms ( " E " for European - - for members of the European Union ) are universal . Here in Cyprus , they need only look at a blank form in Greek and see that if box so - and - so is checked on the German form , that means such - and - such . Germany cannot provide us with a form in Greek ( or English or any other language ) - - only in German . That 's the whole point of the E - forms . However , despite requiring it of us , nobody in Cyprus has the E106 . Jörn took Jacob with him today to the worship seminar YWAM is running this week , and at a little past 9 : 00 I headed to Nikosia with the other four children . Just before 10 : 00 , despite one missed turn , we arrived easily at the address given to us by the German embassy and marked clearly on the brand - new map we have of Nikosia as " The Ministry of Health . " I 'd enjoyed the slight detour , too , as we saw part of the amazing wall in the center of Nikosia , and I was thinking about how , if the meeting went quickly , we could go to the park at the wall , and maybe I 'd phone up my friend Jane and ask if we could come hang out for awhile ( she lives very close to there ) , or maybe I should just head back to Larnaka and get to immigration before they close at 11 : 30 , or maybe we 'd go to Ikea and I 'd get another spice rack for my miniature books , or maybe we 'd look for a decent - sized bookstore , or . . . well , there were many possibilities ! Pulling up to the building , though , I thought it looked rather deserted , except for the Pizza Hut take - away and the pharmacy on the ground floor , and I thought it was odd that there was no sign of any kind around what appeared to be the main entrance . And parking was very easy - - plenty of space in the parking lot behind the building . Well , the very nice lady in the pharmacy told me that the Ministry of Health had moved two years ago , and that it was " verry , verry farr away . " She thought it was behind the old general hospital , but she couldn 't tell me how to get there , either , and it wasn 't even on my map , although she could show me the general vicinity , but again emphasized that it was very far away . I pointed out that I had come from Larnaka and it wasn 't as far as that , and I had to go there one way or another , and loaded the children back in the car . The " other side of town " is starting to look quite familiar - - that 's where the German and U . S . embassies are - - so I figured I 'd head over there and probably see a sign for the " Old General Hospital " , or at least be able to ask at a gas station or someplace . I didn 't see any signs , and Helen was starting to get very upset about being in the car for so long . Traffic was much heavier , I was being distracted by Helen , and I got rather mixed up . I never did find where I was on the map , but by the sun eventually managed to get to the west side of the city and passed by the Presidential palace twice before I finally found a place to park and nurse Helen . I then went into an office supply store , where several of the staff as well as several of the customers were very friendly and helpful , and then finally one staff person who spoke excellent English even drew me a map - - to the Old General Hospital , anyway , as she had no idea where the Ministry of Health might be . The lady at the front desk answered , " This is not the Ministry of Health . This is the Old General Hospital . " I said " I know , but I was told that the Ministry of Health is very close . " She told me to go out the back doors and then I would see the black building . Then I confused her by turning around and walking out the front door , but when I came back in a minute later with four children ( and my purse and the bag full of paperwork . . . ) she nodded . We walked down the very long corridor in the obviously VERY old hospital , went out the creaky back doors , and found ourselves on the sidewalk , with no black building in sight . We walked for awhile , and then saw a modern building on the other side of the street that maybe could be considered black ( it was all dark , reflective windows ) , but there was no sign in English on it . I carefully studied the Greek , but except for " Nikosia " ( Lefkosia , actually , in Greek ) , several prepositions , and the address ( " between the rivers " , although more accurate would be " between the mostly dry sometimes trickles of water " ) , I didn 't understand any of it . I should have at least found out what " Ministry of Health " is in Greek , but I hadn 't . Anyway , we did walk on a bit , but not seeing anything else that looked promising , we went back and went inside . There were several posters of health - related activities ( brusthing teeth , washing hands , etc . ) hanging up , so it looked promising . By the time it was my turn at the front desk , it was nearly 12 : 00 . The lady there told me to see " Mrs . Marta , inside " , and vaguely waved her hand behind her . There was a short hallway and three or four doors , all of them open , but none of them had the name " Marta " on them . I put my head inside one where there seemed to be a lot of activity and asked ( in Greek , this time ) where Mrs . Marta was , and the lady there waved vaguely and said ( in Greek , at least ! ) , " Inside . " I went in the direction I thought maybe she had pointed , but that lady wasn 't Mrs . Marta either - - it turned out that she was at the back of the first office into which I had looked - - inside . Mrs . Marta didn 't speak the most fluent English , but it was certainly hundreds of times better than my Greek , and I tried to explain the situation . All I wanted her to do was to write the children 's names on the E106 and put a stamp on it . She told me she needed our alien registration numbers , and I explained that that was the problem : I do not have one yet , and I 'm trying to get one , and that 's why I need this form filled out ! She kept explaining that I couldn 't have a medical card until I had an alien registration , and to please go to immigration and get registered , then she could give me a medical card . I told her that I don 't want a medical card , and that I can 't register until I have this form . I even told her in Greek that my husband and children are German , but I am from the United States , and that 's why I have a problem . Mrs . Marta finally called Mrs . Emily upstairs ( in Cyprus , people are generally all called " Mrs . " or " Mr . " and their first name ) , and then handed the phone to me so I could explain this to Mrs . Emily . Mrs . Emily spoke excellent English , but could not understand why I needed this . I sympathized - - in fact , I 've been told by other people that there is no law requiring anyone to even have health insurance , so nobody understands why the immigration office is requiring this of us . However , the immigration office is refusing to register me without this , so it 's not like I have a lot of choice . I talked with Mrs . Marta again , and she called Mrs . Emily again , and then Mrs . Emily came downstairs to see my paperwork and talk with me personally . By this time the children were getting rather ansty , and although I did quiet them , I apologized to Mrs . Marta and explained that they 'd been in the car for nearly three hours and it was hard sitting for so long . ( Actually , the car was only about 2 1 / 2 hours , but we 'd also waited for awhile . ) She raised her eyebrows and said , " From Larnaka ? " and I explained that we 'd first gone to where the Ministry of Health used to be , but a lady at the pharmacy there had told me that it had moved two years ago , and I had had a lot of trouble finding the new place . She said , " No , not two years ago - - very recently ! " I asked when , and she just said again , " Very recently , not two years ! " Mrs . Emily appeared to mostly understand , and said that they 'd be happy to put the children on the form and issue a medical card for my husband and children , but that they couldn 't issue one for me , because I didn 't have an alien registration number . Nobody cared at all that we have European health cards which we can already use at any hospital and that I don 't WANT a Cypriot medical card , but I finally said that was fine . She took the paperwork with her and asked me to wait . I did not cry . I am very proud of myself . I explained again , very , very slowly , " This form was issued by my German health insurance to show that I have health insurance from Germany . I do not NEED a Cypriot medical card , I need to get the yellow slip ! If they don 't believe that I have health insurance , they will not register me . This form was from Germany . This form was proof that I have health insurance . I do have health insurance . You should not have crossed out my name . " Mrs . Marta called Mrs . Emily again , I talked with her for awhile . They apologized . In the meantime , my name is crossed out , in ink , which makes it look as though I do not have health insurance . I wrote down Mrs . Emily 's name and phone number , and she said that the immigration office should telephone her if they have a problem . I guess I 'll find out tomorrow morning if that works . We finally got back to the car and left the parking lot at 1 : 10 , four hours after leaving home . No park , no visiting Jane , no Ikea , and likely no lunch , either , if Lukas was to get to gymnastics by 2 : 30 , especially as it was now the middle of the lunch rush hour . ( Most Cypriots go home for lunch and many stores close for a couple of hours in the middle of the day . ) At 1 : 40 I pulled up to a Zorpas bakery and bought too - soft bread ( didn 't get our favorite bread , because that would have needed slicing which would have taken longer ) and expensive cheese , which Marie made into sandwiches and handed out as I kept driving . We made it to gymnastics with 10 minutes to spare , I let Lukas out , and we came home and I started typing this . At 3 : 30 I picked up Lukas again , and now it 's 4 : 45 and Lukas and Katie are playing outside and Marie is doing math . A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that she 'd read a post at my other blog that she thought I 'd accidentally put there instead of here , but I didn 't get around to checking it until just now . She was right , so I 've copied and posted it here . I 'm not sure if it will go in the right order or not , as I 'm certainly not going to try anything fancy , just claim the original date and time , which was October 22nd at 10 : 55 p . m . Incidentally , I 've since figured out just why I was SO tired , although I really should have been completely recovered from the flu by that time . Much to our happy surprise , we 're expecting a baby next June ! : - ) ( And the first trip to the doctor - - two and a half hours , about three minutes of which were with the doctor - - ought to be another post , but not today . ) We have three computers ( well , one isn 't ours , but is more - or - less on permanent loan ) , all of which have different quirks . The main problem with this one is that it has a tendency to be near - dying - - WHEN it 's working , it 's definitely the best of the three . It 's the only one that lets me type easily , so I 'm taking advantage of it working to try to update . Passport : after the futile trip to Nikosia on Columbus Day , I chose the next sort - of available time , Thursday afternoon . We borrowed a friend 's car so that Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics , and at 2 : 00 I left in our car , with Katie and Helen , first taking a friend home . I 'd tried quite a few times to call the embassy to confirm the hours , but the recording between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . kept telling me to call between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . However , just after dropping off my friend , I pulled over and tried one more time , as I still needed new photos , and if they couldn 't tell me where to get them near the embassy , I preferred to try to get them in Larnaka . I actually talked to a HUMAN ! ! A very nice human , too , who said that of course I could come that afternoon to renew my passport , no problem - - oh , but maybe she should just check if the lady who does that was in . She connected me to someone else , who informed me that under no circumstances could I renew my passport outside of the hours 7 : 30 to 11 : 00 ( which is , actually , what the website said . ) So . . . I looked for another place to get passport photos taken ( being embarrassed to go to the same place as the week before . . . ) and found a parking space directly in front of a place that gave me FOUR photos ( instead of two ) for SEVEN Euros ( instead of eight . ) As expected , I look annoyed and wanting to get out of there in the photo . Oh well . Monday this week I left at 6 : 30 a . m . , with only Helen , and arrived at the embassy at 7 : 45 , and parked only about a five - minutes ' walk away . ( A friend came to babysit the other four children as of 8 : 30 , and another friend picked up Jörn at 8 : 40 for work . ) I had to go through three separate security checks , and at the second one they told me I couldn 't take anything except my papers , so I said ( out loud ) to Helen , " Okay Helen , no being hungry or pooping . " They ended up letting me take the wipes and a diaper after all , which they put in a page protector along with my wallet , but not the crackers . It 's a good thing Helen is very happy with mama - milk , because that 's all I was allowed to take in . The rest was put in a cubby , no problem . ( A friend of mine renewed her daughter 's passport in Frankfurt , Germany , a couple of weeks ago , and had to walk several blocks to a kiosk that does businesss taking a lot of money to hold cell phones of people going to the U . S . consulate - - no cubbies there ! ) When I got home , I was falling asleep while talking with the friend who had been babysitting , and she talked me into taking a nap . I DO NOT NAP . But I agreed to go lie down . I started to drift off almost immediately , at which point Marie came to tell me she had found something , then Jacob came to ask a question , and then Katie brought me my cell phone , as Jörn was calling . And then I actually went to sleep and slept an hour and a half . Tuesday I went to Tots in the morning , which despite having something like 20 children , is considerably more restful than my own five at home . Katie and Helen mostly bee - bop around doing their own thing - - I occasionally have to rescue some child 's hair from Helen , and I did play peekaboo with Helen in the playhouse for awhile , and she fell off of her chair during snack time , but nothing dramatic . Then we took Sue home and visited with her for a bit , but it got exhausting chasing Helen and telling Katie to keep her feet off of the furniture , etc . , so we were home in plenty of time for lunch . In the afternoon I let Marie stay home ( Jörn was out ) while I took Lukas to gymnastics , but I spent so much of the time trying to keep Helen and Katie off of the mats ( Jacob helped by chasing Helen a few times while I was dealing with Katie ) that I didn 't get to watch Lukas much or listen to the Greek . Tuesday evening we had a prayer meeting here , but only until about 10 : 00 . ( Oh , and I translated and proofread some things for a friend , but it wasn 't much . ) Wednesday I worked at the YWAM preschool - - oh yeah , kind of a major thing that I haven 't managed to mention here on the HOMESCHOOLBLOGGER blog , but as of last week , I 'm working Wednesdays and Fridays in a preschool . ( Those are the only two days that it happens . . . ) I take Katie and Helen , and there are two other preschool children , as well as the 6 - year - old daughter of the leader . I was VERY apprehensive about it all , but it 's working out well , and it 's so peaceful there . The three older children are at home with Jörn - - Wednesdays his regular meeting happens here at home ( the children have lists of independent and cooperative , non - parent - needed , work to do , and instructions to interrupt only if there 's blood , which there was this Wednesday , but not too serious ) , and Friday is Jörn 's morning off . Wednesday afternoon we went to Sue 's house to watch Swallows and Amazons - - the children had actually started watching it Sunday evening on the " new laptop " ( the one that we bought new just over a year ago , which has Vista , which we really , really can 't stand ) , but about 15 minutes into it it started getting funny and then quit altogether , and our permanently - borrowed computer doesn 't have a DVD player , and the " old laptop " ( the one I 'm using at the moment , bought used on E - bay 3 1 / 2 years ago and excellent in every way except for it 's tendency to need repairs that would cost thousands of Euros if we didn 't have friends who have done it for us for free twice in the last month . . . ) wasn 't working . Actually , by Wednesday it had been repaired again , but we 'd already arranged to go to Sue 's , and the children were REALLY excited about that . A much bigger screen and actual sound weren 't too bad , either . : - ) Shortly before we were going to leave there , we found out that the couple who was supposed to come to dinner at our house wasn 't coming after all , so we invited Sue and Richard to dinner . After dinner we played Settlers of Catan with them AND with Marie and Jacob ( who have been begging to play with Sue and Richard for ages ) , with Lukas , Katie , and Helen all trying to help . It was fun . I think . It was pretty loud , so kind of hard to tell . Then the children went to bed and we played a nice peaceful game . Today . . . Jacob complained that he got woken up by my shouting ( at Lukas , who had just dropped a rock about the size of Katie 's head within about two centimeters OF Katie 's head . . . ) , but I refused to apologize when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10 : 00 . Other than that , the day wasn 't too hectic . I took Lukas to gymnastics - - this time Jacob stayed home , and Marie and Katie watched , and I stayed in the car with Helen , who had just fallen asleep , and sorted photos on the laptop . Then a friend dropped off two of her children while taking another one of them to the doctor ( and she had her baby with her , too ) , so another couple of peaceful hours , because of course the children all went off to play . After the doctor 's appointment , they came back here for dinner , which was very nice , although a bit loud . But not as loud with nine children as it had been last night with only our five . . . I don 't get it . Our plan today was to go to the U . S . embassy in Nikosia to apply for a new passport for me ( according to the website , only open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 11 : 00 a . m . ) , and then to Ikea for a growing list of " needed " items . One potential item was some sort of brainstormed idea for a hamster cage , cheaper ( or at least bigger and nicer ) than the only hamster cage at the pet store we visited last week , so on the way to Nikosia , we stopped at another pet store in case they had more acceptable hamster cages . We also had something to pick up at the post office , so not knowing if it might be something big , we thought it would be better to drive there than to walk . Then we went to the post office . As one street was blocked off , we turned into another and I jumped out and walked to the post office . It was only an envelope , but it had come open , so I had to sign for it . ( It was the invitation to my host sister 's wedding in Costa Rica , which is of course cool , but as we can 't go , it made me sad . . . ) Then when I walked back to where I thought the car was . . . it wasn 't there . I walked back to the post office and retraced my steps , totally confused , wondering how I was ever going to figure out where we were parked , since I had obviously gotten it wrong . I wondered around several blocks , and as I returned the third or fourth time to where I thought the car had been , Jörn came driving around the corner . That WAS where he had been , but he 'd had to move , because someone parked ( and left ) their car just opposite ours , in the narrow one - way street , so nobody could get by . Because of all the one - way streets and several of them closed because of construction , it took him quite awhile to get back - - he couldn 't just drive around the block . Already running rather late , we finally headed out of town , with Helen screaming . We sang all of her favorite songs and a few others , and I finally said that it didn 't matter whether we made it to the embassy , but we HAD to stop . So we stopped , filled Helen up with mama - milk , and then kept going . I suppose there were speed - limit signs on the freeway , but I didn 't get the impression that my husband paid any attention to them . For that matter , nobody else did , either - - we were being passed more often than not . We found easily enough the place labled on the map as " U . S . Embassy " , arriving at 10 : 55 a . m . Rather than try to find someplace to park , I jumped out of the car while Jörn waited , to ask if this WAS the embassy ( there was plenty of barbed wire and several soldiers on duty , but it seemed rather strange that there was a Cypriot flag and a Greek flag , but no U . S . flag . . . ) , and if I could still get in 5 minutes before closing time . Well , it wasn 't - - it was a Cypriot army base , and has been for a very long time . They could tell me that the U . S . embassy was somewhere completely different , but not how to get there . So although now it was obviously too late , we thought we 'd at least head for the other side of town , near the presidential palace and the German embassy , to see if we could find the U . S . embassy to be able to get there more easily another day . We actually found it very easily - - it had a huge flag , flying high , which my husband spotted from the next street . ( And my German - born children started singing " The Star - Spangled Banner " when they saw it , which despite my 19 years outside of the U . S . and my general lack of patriotism , I thought was pretty cool ! ) Again , my husband stopped the car and I jumped out to ask the lady on duty if there was any chance that the website was wrong and I could still get in , although it was 11 : 15 . Well , the website was wrong : for U . S . citizens , the embassy is open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 4 : 00 p . m . , every day except for Cypriot and U . S . holidays . Today happens to be a U . S . holiday . I thought about it for a moment and said , " Oh . . . Columbus Day ? " but the lady didn 't know - - she 's from Romania and has lived in Cyprus for 20 years . This happens to be my 20th October outside of the U . S . ( making it more than half of my Octobers , as this is my 39th October . . . ) , the 19th consecutive one , so I 'm not too up on U . S . holidays . Back in the car , and we went to Ikea . We did find some of the stuff on our list , and some that wasn 't , but several things that were on our list were not to be found . That 's fairly typical of a trip to Ikea , so I suppose not so bad . And I 'll be going to Nikosia again at least twice in the relatively near future - - once to apply for my passport and once to pick it up - - so I can stop by Ikea again . When we got home , I wanted to put the passport application and all of our passports away , and couldn 't find the photos that I had taken last week . They were nowhere to be found - - not in my bag , not in the car . I even looked through all of the pages of all six passports ( Jörn had his own in his own bag - - I only had the children 's and mine ) and the three books in my bag , and finally cleaned out the car . I had everything on my lap between the not - embassy and the actual embassy , and my suspicion is that when I picked up my passport , wallet , and passport application to jump out of the car the second time , I missed the photos , so they fell off my lap ( and out of the car ) as I got out , and are now on the ground across the street from the U . S . embassy . I HATE having my photo taken , and it was actually the best passport photo I 'd ever gotten ( depsite the huge pimple on my chin ) , because Jacob was with me and made me laugh right before the photo was taken . Now I 'm feeling sulky ( because of the cost and the fact of another photo at all ) and have to go get more expensive stupid - sized photos taken , so it will be a much more typical photo that I 'll be stuck with for the next 10 years . ( The U . S . requires 5 cm by 5 cm - - and then CUTS THEM DOWN TO THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS EUROPEAN PASSPORT PHOTOS ! ! ! ! So I always have to pay extra for the weird size and only get two photos instead of four . For a short time ( I think Marie 's second passport and Lukas 's first , in the summer of 2002 ) , they did accept European passport photos , but mostly I 've had to get the U . S . - size ones - - that 's 11 passports just in the last 12 years , and two more are due for renewals next year . ) Jacob hasn 't liked sleeping in a bed since he was about four or five - - he 's mostly slept on the floor . For the last six months or so , Lukas has also been sleeping on the floor more often than not . Last week the boys cleaned their room completely , then put colored tape on the floor to define " Jacob 's " , " Lukas 's " , and " shared " areas of the room . In the process , Lukas gave me several blankets to put away , as he decided ( at the end of September , after four months of Cypriot summer . . . ) that it was really too warm for so many blankets . Last night he asked me to give him some blankets , as the floor was too hard . I said , " Well , you COULD sleep on the mattress , you know ! " His eyes lit up and he said , " That 's a good idea ! I can put the mattress on the floor under the bed , then when I throw toys on the bed , they won 't bounce ! ! " So now Lukas has his mattress on the floor under his bed . The same bed we brought to Cyprus because Lukas was so heartbroken at the thought of leaving it behind - - it was the only children 's bed we brought . He 's slept in it maybe three times since we came . But at least he has a good place to keep toys without them bouncing . What I haven 't figured out yet is why we bought Jacob a bed when we got here . He didn 't want one , and didn 't want to lose that space in his room , but I thought he should have one . Maybe for the same reason my parents insisted on getting me a bed ( a futon , actually ) when I gave my bed to my little sister when she was big enough for a bed , since I preferred sleeping on the floor anyway and didn 't want a bed taking space up in my room . Not that I know what that reason was , nor do I know why I preferred sleeping on the floor myself . . . When we moved to Cyprus in January this year , the only bicycle we brought was Lukas 's . It 's a very sturdy beginning bicycle that I bought used for Marie nearly eight years ago , and Marie , Jacob , and Lukas all learned to ride on it . ( Well , actually Lukas learned to ride on a friend 's bike , but perfected his technique with this one . ) Marie 's and Jacob 's bicycles were both falling apart and I ran out of time to pack mine and left it with a friend , thinking maybe to bring it out to Cyprus some time in the future , Jörn doesn 't ride a bike , and Katie and Helen don 't , either . I also brought the bike trailer . I bought the bike trailer when Marie was three months old and used it ( in December , in Germany , no less ! ) quite a lot for about a month . Then we moved so that my husband 's great - aunt could come to live with us . The combined facts of having the bicycle and trailer in a very hard - to - get - to place in the cellar , and not wanting to be gone for longer than necessary from the great - aunt , meant that I didn 't use the trailer again until about three years later , with both Marie and Jacob , and used it all of once , I think . ( Maybe twice ? ) Then we moved again and it was much easier to get the bike and trailer out , so I used it once to go to playgroup , was concerned about how horribly dizzy I got , then found out I was pregnant with Lukas . Oh , and the last seven and a half years in Germany , we lived at the top of a very long , very steep street . That meant that going anywhere was easy , coming home was a pain . So between weather , pregnancies , great public transportation , being out of the country , and laziness . . . well , I used the trailer maybe half a dozen times in all those years . But I still like the IDEA very much , and where we live in Cyprus is much flatter ! But a bike trailer without a bike isn 't much use , so a month or two after arriving , we bought a ( very ) used bicycle for me , which turned out to need new tires ( which I didn 't get ) , and a bike for Jacob , which is great - - especially as it was only 10 Euros . Then a couple of months ago we finally got bikes for Marie and for me . We rode them home , and parked them - - it was WAY too hot for me to be willing to go bike - riding ! This afternoon , though , I realized that the weather is finally perfect , so pumped up the tires of the bike trailer , put Katie and Helen in it , and the boys and I went for a short , but glorious , bike ride along the salt lake . ( Which , incidentally , had quite a lot of water in it for several days last week , and still has a little bit ! ) Helen looked confused and curious as I buckled her in , but within about five seconds of starting , she was humming to hear the funny sound that makes going over bumps . : - ) She absolutely loved it . I had a hard time keeping up with the boys , but blamed it on the 35 or so kilos I was pulling , not on the mumble - mumble kilos on my saddle . Yes , there are about four months of the year that it 's too hot for ME to be willing to ride a bike ( the boys were riding all summer long ) , but the public transportation here is between bad and non - existant , and we only have one car , and it 's basically flat all around here , and it doesn 't rain much , sooooo . . . I hope that today 's bike ride doesn 't stay the only one this year ! For that matter , I would like to go for another , longer , ride with all the children tomorrow , and on Tuesday might even use the bikes " for real " , rather than walking to playgroup . The traffic conditions are a bit scary , so I 'm not sure about that yet . We 'll have to see how the " practice " goes tomorrow , especially with Lukas . Nobody is supposed to ride on the sidewalk , not even children , but the worst stretch traffic - wise has a really wide sidewalk , and when we walked to playgroup last week there were hardly any people there , so I 'm thinking we might just ride on the sidewalk and see what happens . To start with , we 've just had a somewhat . . . challenging . . . three weeks with a visitor , so I started off the evening last night tired . I do know that I 've gotten better and better at packing over the years , all the same , it puzzled me how it could take a single guy about 4 times longer to pack for himself than it takes me to pack for seven people . At the end , despite the fact that he 'd taken dozens of stones from the beach here ( not entirely sure that that 's legal . . . ) and bought hundreds of Euros ' worth of clothes ( much cheaper here than in Germany , apparently - - I wouldn 't know , as I don 't shop either place . . . ) , he was surprised to find that his suitcase was seven kilograms overweight . At 1 : 15 this morning , as my husband ( Jörn ) was more than ready to leave for the airport , " G " started going on and on about how they 'd be sure to look the other way , etc . and that he was just going to risk it . ( On the way here he had six kilos too much and got away with it by saying , " Look , I 'm visiting a family with five children who moved to Cyprus seven months ago - - they need their chocolate and Haribo ! " The lady apparently said , " I shouldn 't do this , but . . . " and let him get away with it . He thinks he charmed her , I think she was tired of listening to him talk . I 'm not feeling very charitable , I have to admit . ) But we asked what his plan of action was if they didn 't ( at 22 Euros per kilo too much , that would be an expensive seven kilos ! ! ) , and he was quite surprised to realize that Jörn , who was supposed to work at 7 : 00 a . m . today , only intended to drop him off at the airport and come back home - - not hang around for an hour or so . So G decided to re - pack and leave things here for us to ship to him . Then just before 1 : 30 , as they ( Jörn and G ) were about to head out the door , half an hour later than intended , Lukas came into the living room and said sleepily , " Jacob fell out of bed . " That was rather surprising , not only as Jacob is ten years old and has never fallen out of bed before , but also because he very rarely sleeps IN bed - - he usually sleeps on the floor . I asked if he was crying or bleeding and Lukas said yes to both , so I headed to see what was up - - Jörn , the less lazy and more compassionate parent of the two , had already gone to Jacob . I found Jacob sitting on the bathroom floor , Jörn cleaning blood from Jacob 's face and trying to locate the source of the bleeding to stop it . Jacob had a gash on his cheek over an inch long . It wasn 't until we got to the hospital that we realized that the blood caked all over his eyebrow was not from the same wound , but from a similar gash on his eyebrow . The thought of G missing his flight just did not bear thinking of , and Jacob was dizzy and there was an awful lot of blood on his bedroom floor and leading to the bathroom , so we didn 't want to wait for Jörn to take G to the airport and come back , and even though we temporarily ( as of yesterday afternoon ) have two cars , we also didn 't want to leave sleeping children on their own . ( I might have been tempted to if they 'd all been asleep - - I would have woken up Marie and told her what we were doing - - but Lukas was still awake and had started crying again because G was leaving . Having no idea how long I 'd be gone , it wouldn 't have been a good idea anyway . ) So Jörn took G to the aiport in the borrowed car and I called Richard . Richard answered his phone extremely coherently for 1 : 30 a . m . and came over right away , and I put Helen ( who had been awake since 12 : 30 and I hadn 't even bothered trying to get back to sleep , as she was useful in helping keep me awake until G 's departure ) and Jacob into our car and drove to the hospital . The emergency room looked crowded when we walked in , but I quickly realized that all the people there were with only one person , who was already being seen to , and we were taken straight into an examining room . When Jörn and I had taken Lukas to the emergency room in April ( while , incidentally , Richard 's wife , Sue , babysat the other children ) , they hadn 't let me go with him because of Helen , so being there on my own this time I was prepared to fight to stay with him , but they didn 't blink an eye at Helen this time . ( Well , actually , they all blinked lots of eyes at Helen , flirting madly with her as she flirted back ! ! ) They discussed back and forth about whether they should stitch or use Steri - Strips ( I didn 't get a whole lot of the conversation , as it was in Greek , but " Steri - Strips " in Greek is . . . roll of drums . . . " Steri - Strips " ) and finally settled on Steri - Strips . Jacob was great , squeezing my hand tight and groaning a tiny bit , but holding his head perfectly still , as three people worked on him . We of course were asked how it happened , and I said that Jacob said he fell out of bed and must have landed on Legos or something - - who knows , as he has a ten - year - old boy 's bedroom . The doctor looked rather skeptical , which made me very uncomfortable , and he examined Jacob all over , also finding two bruises on his leg . Jacob said he was coming down the ladder ( his bed is a " captain 's bed " - - higher than a regular bed , but not by a lot - - the ladder only has two rungs ) and slipped , and he didn 't know what he 'd hit . After they 'd finished with the Steri - Strips and were filling out a form for getting an x - ray , Jörn arrived . Yes , I CAN manage an emergency run to the hospital on my own ( have a bit too much experience as it is ) , but it 's SO much easier with my husband there , too , and I was very glad to see him ! Jacob had the x - ray ( he said they took three or four , all of his head ) , they checked the x - rays and said that he was fine , and we were told to keep him quiet and not to let the wounds get wet for four or five days . The doctor told Jacob no skateboarding or football , that this was a time to sit inside and play computer games , at which Jacob looked insulted and said , " I 'll read . " ( That cracked me up , as he likes computer games at least as much as his mother does and plays even more , but I 'm glad he also thought of reading ! ) Anyway , fun fun - - keep him quiet and dry . We 've gone to the beach nearly every day for the last three months , and on the evenings we don 't go , Jacob plays loud and wild games of hide - and - seek and tag with the neighborhood children . I figure I 'll at least catch up on the reading - aloud that I 've meant to do but haven 't , because Jacob is usually running around outside . . . To finish the story , we got home and let Richard go home to his own bed , Jacob went to bed in our bed , and Helen and I went to bed in Katie 's bed . ( Katie and Marie have a bunk bed with a single bed on top and a double bed underneath . On any given night they might both be on the top , both be on the bottom , or one in each - - last night Marie was in the top bunk and Katie was in the bottom . ) I first removed a coloring book , several marking pens , three stones , and a spinning top , then there was plenty of room for us . Katie woke up and was very , very pleased to see us in her bed , but Helen was not at all pleased to have Katie 's arm around her . Despite the fact that it was 3 : 00 a . m . I had a hard time falling asleep , not being able to read first , but eventually managed , and the next thing I knew it was 7 : 15 . Jörn had set his alarm for 7 : 00 , so he could call and say he 's not going to work this morning and was already back asleep . And now it 's time to leave to take the children to the last day of holiday club ( VBS for U . S . ians ) , and Jacob wants to go too , so I 'm going to be staying . My bet is that within half an hour , Jacob will decide it 's too loud anyway and want to come home . I 've seen various forms of these rules , which totally crack me up . The scary part for me is how many people don 't even get the joke ! Anyway , here 's one list , which I found while trying to figure out where the list originated . This was the best explanation , in my opinion , and below is a partial list . Enjoy ! Okay , so I was born in Southern California , in a place called Oceanside , which is even actually right by the ocean , and we apparently went to the beach on a regular basis . But I don 't remember it at all , and we moved north when I was 3 1 / 2 or 4 . The first time I actually remember being to the beach was when I was 12 - - we went to Disneyland and camped near the beach , and I loved it . As I recall , it was all stones - - no annoying sand . The next time I remember was when I was 18 , went to Disneyland again ( this time with my high school graduating class ) , and I hated it , but I don 't think that had to do with the beach itself , even though it was sandy , but with the fact that I did NOT want to be on that trip and had a bad attitude about it the whole time . I 'm sure I 'd been to the beach other times during my childhood , but I honestly don 't remember them . Mom ? Sibs ? Do any of you read my blog ? When I was 18 I went to Mexico for a year , lived six hours from the coast , and went with the youth group to the beach over a weekend , which also happened to be my birthday . Except for getting sunburned after sitting in the back of a pickup truck for six hours , and the campfire where they all sang happy birthday to me and each and every person gave me a hug ( I love Latin America ! ) , I don 't remember much from that time , either . Is it possible I didn 't even go in the water ? I 've also been to the beach several times in Costa Rica : once with the group of exchange students when I was there the first time in 1988 , once with my host brother and some of his friends ( I think in 1993 , but not sure ) , and once with most of the family two years ago . We did have a wonderful time , but the sand was all over the place and irritating . Having the outdoor shower in the house where we stayed was very helpful . Oh yes , and we spent a couple of days at the beach in Thailand three years ago . I didn 't want to be there ( at the beach , that is - - I loved the eight weeks in Thailand that we spent with the PEOPLE ) , hating being surrounded by tourists and sand . I annoyed my family and my friends by singing Sandra Boynton 's wonderful song , " Tropical Sand . " Here 's my favorite line from the first verse : You like the tropical sun and the tropical sea , But hey , mon , Alaska sounds good to me . And we now live in Cyprus , where the furthest distance from the beach isn 't very far , and we live in Larnaca , right on the coast . Without children I could probably walk to the beach in 20 minutes , we can certainly drive there in less than five minutes ( parking and getting into and out of the car take longer than the drive ) , but I DON ' T LIKE SAND . People had been telling me since January that we 'd be going to the beach regularly once it got hot , and I was skeptical . I love being in the water , but I don 't like sand , and I don 't like the sun much , either . When my brother visited at the end of March we did go to the beach for an hour , but it was cold ( which was nice ) and only three of the children even went into the water . Wind kept blowing sand in my face and I sang my favorite beach song again . In the middle of May a friend took us sailing , and the beach there was all stones , which I liked very much , but the children missed sand . So . . . by the end of May , my husband had found the perfect beach for us , in Pervolia , about 15 minutes away . Once I 've gone to all the hassle of getting everyone and all the stuff into the car , I really don 't care if we drive 15 minutes instead of five , especially for this perfect beach . It has stones where our stuff all stays sand - free , and right at the water it has sand for the children to play in . It stays shallow for a very long way , so I 'm not paranoid about the children , and the very best part : when we go around 4 : 30 or 5 : 00 in the afternoon , we have SHADE - - even in the water ! And there are hardly any people there , and most of the people we 've seen are Cypriots , not tourists . I 've even had a couple of good exchanges with non - English - speaking Cypriots , and they 're very hard to find . So for the last five weeks or so we have been to the beach three or four times every week , and we 've been loving it . Yesterday , however , we couldn 't go to " our " beach , because we had a homeschool families get - together at the beach here in Larnaca , which is all sand . We did find a little bit of shade from the lifeguard station , but there was sand in everything and on everything , and there were people all over . I did enjoy the part where I was in the water , and I very much enjoyed having the time with the other parents , but I 'm looking forward to going to Pervolia tonight . I 'm going to have to get used to sand , though , too , as the homeschoolers want to meet at the beach every week , and our housegroup will be meeting at the beach every other week throughout the summer , starting tomorrow . And yesterday I promised my husband that I would NOT sing the best beach song that was ever written , so I didn 't . And that 's the point of this post - - getting to sing the song ! : - ) First , a semantics disclaimer : the word " homeschooling " for me does not say anything about our " homeschooling style " , just that our children don 't attend traditional school , public or private ! We 're fairly relaxed , which translates to wildy disorganized in the eyes of the highly structured , yet far too structured in the eyes of the true " free - learners . " I can live with that . : - ) Anyway , as I was saying . . . Last week , with the whole family in the car , and for no particular reason , I asked my oldest daughter ( Marie , 11 years and 9 months old ) if she likes being homeschooled . She said , " Umm . . . yeah , I guess so . " I asked why , and she said because she hates getting up early . ( She went to public school for six months in third grade , nearly four years ago , and yes , she hated getting up every single school day of those six months . ) I asked if she would want to go to school if she could start at , say , at 10 : 00 , and she said maybe . Then I told her that it 's really okay to say what she thinks , that I wasn 't trying to get her to answer what she might think I would like to hear , but that I really wanted to know . So she went on to say that at school she really liked art class and misses that , and she enjoyed recess and playing with the other children , and the rest was okay except for P . E . We talked about it a little longer and she admitted she likes math at home better ( that surprised me - - at the time , she seemed quite happy with the ridiculously easy busywork , not bothered in the slightest by not being challenged ) , and she likes all the reading we do , and she likes having lots of time to read on her own . It came down to that if she could do " flexi - schooling " , which I recently read about in a book called " Free - range Education " , she would probably like that very much , but that if that 's not an option , homeschooling is better than going to school , although kind of in a " lesser of two evils " type of way . Not very encouaraging , really , but a good chat . Then I turned to my 10 - year - old son , Jacob , and asked him the same question . From him came the enthusiastic , " YES ! ! Of course ! " I asked why , and he said , " Because I can get up when I want to and read what I want to and learn what I want to and however I want to and wherever I want to and I can think what I want to and say what I want to and nobody teases me and I can play with the friends I want to play with and do the things I want to do . " I purposely didn 't put any punctuation in there , because he definitely didn 't use any while speaking ! We talked a bit more , but there wasn 't much more to say . From my point of view , he totally " gets " why we 're homeschooling . ( He attended first grade for six months , at the same time Marie was in third grade . ) Just to finish off , I asked my nearly - seven - year - old son , Lukas , if he likes being homeschooled , and the little ham said , " Yes , because I get to spend more time with my mother . " As a friend of mine wrote on her blog about her son a few weeks ago , he would probably make a great politician , but we have higher hopes for him . I did talk a bit more with Lukas , but as he 's never been to school , he doesn 't have anything to compare it to , and it boiled down to the fact that he 's quite happy with his life . Then Katie ( will be four next month ) said , " Mommy , you didn 't ask me ! " so I said , " Okay , Katie , do you like being homeschooled ? " She put on her silly little " I 'm - pretending - to - be - shy - because - so - many - people - think - that 's - cute " face and said , " Yes . " I dutifully continued with , " Why do you like it ? " and she said , " Because I get to do math ! " When Lukas finished Earlybird 2B several months ago , Katie took over his book , constantly asking me to do it with her . I finally got her her own book , Earlybird 1A , a few weeks ago , which was a bit silly , because she finished half of the book in about three sittings . Whatever . Just to be silly , I then turned to Helen , nine months old , and said , " So , Helen , do you want to be homeschooled , too ? " and Marie responded extremely emphatically , " Yes , definitely ! " I was rather surprised , after her own rather wishy - washy response , and asked why she was so sure that Helen would like being homeschooled . Marie 's response , " Because Helen has strong opinions . " Very interesting . I asked then if one can 't have strong opinions at school , and Marie got kind of quiet again and finally said , " Well , yes , but you can 't do anything about them . You 're sort of supposed to think the same things the other kids think , and like the same things and have the same things , and you 're not really supposed to like math or like the teachers or anything like that . " I asked her if she didn 't have any strong opinions herself , and she said she does now , and wouldn 't let people change them anyway , but that would be one reason she wouldn 't want to go to school ALL the time , because it would be too exhausting keeping her own opinions . Last week - - Jacob dropped something in the bathroom sink and it ( the sink / washbasin ) broke . It was replaced yesterday . Now we know a nice English - speaking plumber . This afternoon - - Lukas was climbing up the side of the veranda and he and the concrete slab on top of the brick planters that make up the walls of the veranda crashed to the concrete ground . Now we know where the hospital is and Lukas has had his first x - ray , but his ankle is thankfully only sprained , not broken . I 'm supposed to keep a six - year - old boy still and with his foot up for five days . So she played with the frog for awhile , singing some version or another of this song , but then decided the frog needed speckles , as it was only plain green . After a long family discussion about the frog 's ownership , it was determined that it was Jacob 's frog , but he never denies his little sister anything he can grant her , so he carefully speckled the frog with a permanent marker . Delighted , Katie continued to play and sing , and this was her latest version of the song , fitting the melody perfectly , with the text as near as I can remember it : Her explanation was that as it landed on its back ( she 'd of course tossed it up in the air to land in the " pond " ) , it was dead like the cockroach we found in the shower this morning . Which reminded us that we 'd found a dead cockoach in the shower this morning and hadn 't done anything about it , so went to look at it to think some more about it , and discovered that it WASN ' T dead , after all ! ! It was on its back , but wiggling its legs . We put a yogurt pot over it while we decide what to do next . Yuck . I 've been wanting to write a blog post with this title for a week ! Several times since we moved into this house , I 've managed to wake up and GET up before Katie did , and have gone for a walk down by the salt lake . Last week when I did that , there were snails EVERYWHERE . Not wanting to step on them ( in all honesty , not so much because of caring about snails , but because of not wanting yucky squished snail on my sandals . . . ) , I spent most of the time watching carefully where I was walking , which involved a lot of back - and - forth , or slow motion swerving . Snail slalom . Almost all of the snails were crossing the path from south to north , except for in one short section where they were crossing north to south . Very weird . I went for another walk the day before yesterday and played snail slalom again , but there weren 't quite as many , so I got to enjoy the scenery a bit more . I also discovered that we 're pretty much right in the middle of the four - kilometer - long path - - it took me 21 minutes to walk to one end of it , and 23 minutes to walk to the other end . Since it 's about half a kilometer down to the path , that 's a five - kilometer walk if I go to one end only and back home . Not very far , but a first step towards my goal of running a marathon before I 'm 58 . I take Helen with me in the sling , so I can 't jog even if I could jog , which I can 't . When I played snail slalom the day before yesterday , I didn 't wear socks with my sandals and got blisters on both big toes and on one heel . I feel like such a wimp . I would have liked to go down to the salt lake this morning to watch the sunrise , but I pretended that the fact that my favorite sling is in the laundry was the reason I didn 't , not my limping . So . . . this morning I actually set the alarm , for 4 : 55 , and went up on the roof , instead . The sunrise is officially around 6 : 30 a . m . , but it 's light long before that , and the part I like best is watching it get light . I got Helen back to sleep and left her in bed with Papa and went up at 5 : 15 , just in time . Because of the lights from the airport , the streetlamps , and the brightness of the moon , I 'm not sure if there was any light from the sun or not yet - - east didn 't really look any different from any other direction . By 5 : 30 , it was definitely dawning , and the streetlights went off at about 5 : 45 . Despite the telephone lines and the buildings and the lack of mountains , I enjoyed it very much . Having celebrated the Son - Rise by myself on the roof , I came back downstairs at about 6 : 15 , in a much better mood than I 'd been in yesterday , ready to continue celebrating the Resurrection with my family . I made Easter bread , using Greek yogurt instead of Quark , guessing at the amount of baking powder because my recipe said " a packet of baking powder " , adding a lot more flour than the recipe said to get the right consistancy , and leaving it in the oven for about twice as long as the recipe said , and it still turned out fine ! While it was in the oven I put eggs on to boil and went outside to take down laundry and completely forgot about the eggs . 10 of the 12 were cracked , but I dyed all of them anyway , and set the table with a miniature chocolate egg on each plate . Everyone liked the bread and the eggs and the children were glad that we had a treat after all , after we 'd cancelled the egg - dying yesterday due to the enormous gap between parental expectations and children 's behavior . After breakfast the children even made butterflies and eggs with coffee filters , paper towels , and the left - over egg dye . I felt very domestic and organized . That does happen , once every couple of years or so , but it wears off quickly . At 10 : 00 we went to the worship service of a church we 've sort of kind of decided that we might mostly go to semi - regularly , and then afterwards went to a multi - lingual house church for lunch and fellowship ( and learning Greek ! ) , and didn 't get home until nearly 6 : 00 p . m . And now it 's 8 : 00 and I 'd actually like to be getting the children ready for bed , but we didn 't eat lunch until nearly 3 : 00 and haven 't even had dinner yet , and now a friend is here playing Ligretto with the children , so I 'm at the computer . I 'm not sure what we 're doing next Sunday , which is when the Greek Orthodox celebrate Easter . Okay , the friend is going to continue playing Ligretto with the children , and Jörn ( and Helen ) and I are going to walk to the bakery ALL BY OURSELVES and buy bread ! Yay ! So for the quick update : " here " is the wonderful guest flat ( apartment to my compatriots ) we had asked to stay in for two or three weeks and actually stayed in for SIX AND A HALF WEEKS ! It was wonderful and we 're very grateful - thank you , thank you , Sue and Richard ! And the reason I 'm " here " at the moment is because we don 't have telephone / internet in our house yet , so I 'm checking e - mail , etc . ( Too much etc . - I 'm sorry I 'm so behind on answering e - mails , but I DO always answer eventually , you know I do , A and M ! ) And yes , our things arrived on Thursday ( yay ! ) and nothing was broken ( yay ! again and a huge thank you to Neema and Judy , who packed most of the dishes ! ) , but we didn 't actually move ourselves in until yesterday . I still haven 't figured out how to put photos on here ( yes , you can tell me what to click , and it should be obvious , but when I 've tried , it hasn 't worked ) , but I 'll get photos onto Facebook at least . Eventually . Don 't hold your breath . Moving progress : our crates arrived in Limassol last Friday and we were able to sign the customs papers here in Larnaca , and today they finally called to say that they 're actually going to deliver our stuff to us TOMORROW ! They 'll call tomorrow to say what time . It 's good that we 're flexible . : - ) And a Katie - funny : as usual , she was in our bed far too early this morning , around 6 : 20 , talking and singing and I - don 't - know - what , as I was still trying to sleep . At 7 : 15 I got up and went to the bathroom . As I walked back into the bedroom , Katie was climbing out of bed and saying to my husband , " I 'm going to Mommy . " She had her back sort of to me , so I dashed around the bed and under the blanket on my husband 's side - - he saw me coming and held the blanket up , then pulled it over my head quickly . I don 't know HOW Katie missed seeing me , but she did , and went out of the room . She came back , leaned on me ( through the blanket ) to talk to Papa , asking where Mommy is . I managed not to giggle out loud , but was shaking holding the laughter in . She said , " What 's that ? ! " and pulled the blanket back and saw me . Then she said , " Oh , Mommy ! There you are ! I thought it was a octo - plus ! " |
On the 24th we celebrated " German Christmas " , as that 's when Germans celebrate normally , and as Peter and Christin were leaving on the 25th in the wee hours . That meant we got to light the candles on the tree a day earlier than usual , as my husband won 't let me light them until we open presents , and as he 's married to a U . S . - ian who thinks it 's silly to open presents after dinner and have hyper children who don 't want to go to bed , we generally celebrate on the 25th . But the few " German presents " didn 't take that long , and the children went to bed fairly happily , still anticipating Christmas morning . They weren 't even that upset about saying goodbye to Peter and Christin , as we 'll see them in Germany in February . Rather than the free - for - all I grew up with , we all take turns taking a gift from under the tree and handing it to the right person . I imagine that " normal " children would choose something that they think is for themselves , but this is one of the times that I 'm glad my children aren 't normal . : - ) I myself am not at all into gift - giving and would rather do away with it all together , but the children have apparently all inherited their father 's main love - language and delight in giving gifts . Katie started , and chose the gift that she had made at preschool ( where , two days a week , I work and she attends ) for us . Then Lukas excitedly chose a gift from himself to one of his siblings , and on it went . The children were always pleasantly surprised and grateful for what they received , but were over - the - moon hyper with excitement about what they gave . Around 10 : 00 the phone rang - - it was Peter . Last week the airport in Frankfurt ( which was where they were flying ) had been closed because of snow , forcing 3000 people to spend the night there , so I said , " So you made it ! Good ! " Peter said , " No , actually we liked Cyprus so much that we decided to stay - - we 're in Ayia Napa ! " I laughed and said that I know that I 'm gullible and tend to believe whatever people tell me , but I wasn 't falling for it this time . I could hear Christin laughing hysterically in the background , and it took awhile , but they finally convinced me that they were , indeed , in a hotel in Ayia Napa . The runway lights weren 't working , so everyone had been taken by bus to a hotel in Ayia Napa , where they had gotten to bed around 3 : 30 and had just finished a big breakfast ! They said that the hotel was nice and the food was good , but it was awful being surrounded by so many " fat tourists " and the " scenery " basically consisted of one hotel after another . They were very glad to have seen a bit more of the " real " Cyprus with us that most tourists ever do . They were going to be taken back to the airport at 11 : 30 , and with a direct flight to Frankfurt , I imagine that they did eventually arrive . I did find an article on - line about the airport closure , but wasn 't able to confirm if they now have the runway lights fixed . I selfishly certainly hope so , as we 're flying at 3 : 00 a . m . in two days ! ! We have a six - hour lay - over in Frankfurt ( after changing planes in Prague ) , so there 's a little bit of lee - way , but as our flights are not connecting ( we booked separate tickets from here to Frankfurt and back , and from Frankfurt to San Francisco and back , which was considerably less expensive that booking all the way from Cyprus to San Francisco ) , I 'm not sure what would happen if we were to miss the other flight - - and I don 't particularly want to find out , either . We were concerned about weather in Prague and Frankfurt , but it never occurred to us to wonder if Larnaca Airport would be open ! ! ! Christmas dinner was scrumptious ( tender , HOT turkey - - not something I 'm used to ! ) and the company was even better . The children behaved fairly decently , for the most part . I love visiting people , but sometimes find my own children 's behavior to be so stressful for me ( even when it 's not even bothering our hosts ) that I can 't always relax as much as I 'd like to . After dinner , chatting , and dessert ( half a dozen different delicious things , for which we didn 't have room , but didn 't let that stop us ! ! ) , we drugged some of the children with a movie , and the adults ( five of us , as Sue and Richard 's son Tim was also there , visiting from England ) and Jacob played Settlers of Catan with the Seafarers extention , which they had received for Christmas . I 'm rather " Settler - ed out " ( and I know we 'll have three more weeks of it in the U . S . . . ) , but as always , the best part is the people . : - ) Children to bed , and we weren 't long in following - - and didn 't get woken up for good this morning until nearly 9 : 00 ! ! ( The previous post is about this morning . . . ) Today we have about 18 YWAM people coming at 2 : 00 for lunch and singing ( oh yeah - - I 'm supposed to be looking for the words to a few songs in various languages . . . ) and exchanging " white elephant " or " monster " gifts . I 'm trying desparately to get clothes washed and dried ( and it started raining about half an hour ago . . . I might actually put the drying rack in my bedroom and turn on the heating , as I 'm running out of other options ) for packing tomorrow afternoon / evening , and then we 're off . And after those next six weeks ( three in the U . S . , which will include a wedding , two anniversaries , three days at Disneyland , three birthdays , and maybe even some time with friends , and then three in Germany , for which we already have over 30 different meetings with people planned . . . ) , we are REALLY going to need a vacation . . . Four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a pre - natal check - up , mostly just because I wanted an ultrasound to have some idea of a due date , not being at all sure . ( When I said I really didn 't know how far I was , the doctor looked down again at my paperwork , listing all eight previous pregnancies , raised his eyebrows , and said something like , " By now you really ought to have some idea . " ) The baby 's head - rump measurement spit out an age of 11 weeks ( well , 9 weeks for the baby , 11 weeks as doctors count ) , due date June 15th , 2010 . Anyway , I was there last time for 2 1 / 2 hours for a total of less than five minutes with the doctor , and as I was leaving , there was a near - riot going on in the waiting area , with dozens of pregnant women yelling at a man in hospital clothes . While I myself had been waiting , women had been comparing their appointment times , and there were several with 9 : 00 , one with 9 : 20 , and several with 9 : 30 . That was after 10 : 00 when they were looking at them - - and I didn 't even have an appointment at all , being told one wasn 't necessary . After several women who had definitely arrived after I had had elbowed their way in , five women ( two English , two Cypriot , and one who spoke neither English nor Greek but agreed with the others that I should definitely be next ) pushed me in the next time the door opened . Quite an experience . Anyway , I 'm glad I was out of there before the riot started , but felt bad for all the others still stuck there . In any case , I let myself be talked into going back today for another check - up , with the idea that if the baby 's size four weeks later still matched that due date , I 'd be reassured of the due date , as I 'd been told that I 'd have another ultrasound . Also , I know someone whose twins were NOT seen at 12 weeks , so it was good to confirm today that there IS only one baby ! But the doctor didn 't take any measurements today , just checked the heartbeat , then as he turned off the ultrasound machine said , " How many sons and daughters do you have ? " I told him , and then he said , " Well , it looks like you might have - - " and I quickly interrupted him and said " Don 't tell me ! I don 't want to know ! " He was rather surprised at that , and then said that he wasn 't really sure , anyway , but IF I go back at all , I 'll be sure to mention BEFORE they start that I don 't want to know the baby 's gender ! But I really , really don 't want to go back . I had been given " the first appointment " , at 7 : 30 this morning . I was indeed the first person there - - the doctor and an assistant didn 't arrive until 8 : 20 . But shortly after I arrived , other pregnant women started arriving . That 's where the language practice came in , because happily , the first one to arrive spoke very little English , in fact , not more than I speak Greek . So although I 'd officially learned how to tell time in Greek on paper , I could never remember it , but now I can . : - ) It 's her first baby and she 's in the ninth month , and she had an appointment for 8 : 00 . The next woman to arrive didn 't sit down with us , but went and stood right at the door to the room where they take blood pressure and weight . The one after that was another Cypriot who spoke little English , then a Muslim woman arrived , then another who didn 't talk , and then a Nigerian who spoke no Greek at all , but English , and had her six - month - old son with her . By 8 : 15 there were 10 of us , and then at 8 : 20 the assistant went into her office , and lady number 3 had pushed her way into the room before anyone else could react . However , the rest of us ( those who were sitting - - there are only six chairs - - as well as the others standing around ) quickly moved over to the door , leaving most of the chairs empty - - one was still occupied by a father . When the door opened , two women tried to push in front of me but I managed to slip in . My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed ( just like last time , the doctor 's scale gives me four more kilos that my scale - - I like my scale MUCH better ! ! ) , was scolded for not having had an amniocentesis ( I 'd declined four weeks ago , which the doctor hadn 't had a problem with ) , was handed my file , and got to go wait in the hallway again to get into the doctor 's office . Arrival number 4 was the third one into the assistant 's office , arrival number 2 was the fourth one in , I didn 't pay attention after that , as I was enjoying chatting with the English woman I had met four weeks ago . WhWhen I got home , I called the three phone numbers I 'd been given ( by a lady who now lives in the U . K . , but whose homebirth story I 'd found by googling " homebirth Cyprus " , as she had her baby at home in Cyprus two years ago ) of a doula and two midwives who are reputed to attend homebirths . I left a message with one midwife 's voicemail and there weren 't any answers from the other two , but the doula called me back almost immediately . She 's leaving on vacation tomorrow , but we 're going to talk again in February , and she sounded quite encouraging . Efficiency doesn 't happen to be one , either , but we did get a temporary reprieve at Immigration today . No real progress , but the good news is that I 'll be able to leave Cyprus in two weeks without being given the third degree about why I 've been here longer than my three - month tourist visa allowed , and I 'll be able to re - enter once , by the 15th of February . ( We get back the 12th . ) The first person he talked to didn 't think that what he was saying made any sense , but finally told him to go to " Block 7 " - - the complex apparently has something like 9 buildings - - which is where they deal with non - European foreigners . So Jörn went there and found it was closed . He got in a side entrance and was told that really , they 're closed until January , as they 're in the process of moving . ( The only surprising part is that this is practically the first place in Nikosia that we 've been to that had not YET moved from the address we were given . . . ) No , of course they won 't give letters saying that my application is in process - - who told him so ? Does he have a copy of the application ? Good , because as they 're in the process of moving , they don 't know where anything is . ( See , this is why we always take EVERYTHING , not just what they say they 'll need . . . ) The friendly lady made a copy , talked with her boss , and came back and said no problem , they can issue me with a one - time , re - entry visa . Where are the stamps , please ? My husband asked what stamps , and was told that he needs " revenue stamps from the post office , worth € 10 . 27 . " So then Jörn asked where the post office was , and the lady said that she had just explained it to this other applicant , in Greek , who was standing next to Jörn , so Jörn could just give her the money and she could get the stamps for both of them . Jörn politely declined handing over the money , but did walk out to the parking lot with the lady and asked her where the post office was . She said she had no idea , somewhere near the Presidential Palace , but she didn 't know where that was . Jörn did know , however , so was able to tell her , and then they drove off in their separate cars . However , I still don 't have a yellow slip ( the registration paper , giving me permission to live here indefinitely ) , and the lady seemed to think it amusing that Jörn even asked her when that might happen . She told him to come back when we get back to Cyprus in February - - at their new premises in the Old General Hospital . At least I do know where the Old General Hospital is , as I had to find that in order to find the Ministry of Health , and I imagine that we can count on Immigration not moving AGAIN before we can get there , so that 's good . . . I should have posted an update before , but there unfortunately wasn 't ever any exciting news . My husband went to Nikosia ( as he is the European , and as men tend to receive a bit more respect here , we thought it made more sense for him to go than for me to . . . ) on the day they said that my registration should be ready , and they went through the entire rigmarole again : " We need such and such paper . " " You have such and such paper . Right there . " " Oh , okay . Then we need to make another copy . " Etc . I don 't remember all the details anymore , but very frustrating . The only interesting part was that the head of the department heard Jörn speaking German with the children ( he had two or three with him ) and was intrigued : it turned out that this man had lived in Bochum for 12 years , very close to where we used to live . So they spoke German with each other and the man promised to be on the case and gave Jörn his extension number and told him to call the following week . The following week Jörn called several dozen times , eventually reached him and was told that my registration was ready , but that he didn 't know where it was at the moment , so please call back in an hour . Jörn called back in an hour , dialing many , many times . ( He didn 't count . ) Then he started making lunch and handed the phone to me , and I tried over 30 times . No answer . We kept trying in the next few days , including ( at the suggestion of several other people ) trying from other phone numbers , in case they had blocked our number . No success . In the meantime , I had really hoped to go to Germany for the first week of December for a conference about families on the mission field . I was going to take Helen and my friend Sue , whom Helen is crazy about , to take care of Helen . I 'd hoped to leave on a Friday ( the conferenced started the following Tuesday ) , but on Thursday , still having no news , we found flights for Monday morning ( well , middle of the night , to be exact . . . ) instead , but still didn 't book . On Monday Sue let me know that if by some miracle my registrationPosted by Today was much more frustrating than yesterday , although much shorter . We left at 9 : 45 , got photocopies made of the paperwork from yesterday , and were at immigration by just past 10 : 00 . Marie , Lukas , and Katie stayed outside on the rocks under the trees and Helen and I waited in the hallway , where an old man gave me a seat , then a younger woman gave the old man a seat , and everyone was very friendly and talking with Helen . After about half an hour , it was my turn . The lady at the reception desk said that Mrs . Maria is not there and won 't be back until December 1st , please come back in December . I said that they must have the file , though - - could somebody else help me , please ? She sighed , called a colleague , and I got to go into an inner office . At this point , Helen started fussing , refused to nurse , didn 't want to play with anything , and eventually started screaming . She has a very loud , piercing scream . While she was screaming and I was trying to talk with the lady , Katie came in , took her shoes off , and started to roll around on the floor , and when I told her to put her shoes on and stand up , she had a temper tantrum . I sat her on a chair , not particularly gently , and kept trying to talk with the lady who didn 't feel particularly responsible for me . She first tried to tell me that I need to apply for a yellow slip . I explained that we had applied in JANUARY , that we had been there FOUR times already . She finally looked for - - and found - - our file , and said that I need medical insurance for my " babies " . ( The Greek word that actually means " baby " is used for children of all ages , and Greek - speakers , even those quite fluent in English , tend to use the word " baby " in English , rather than child . Lukas and Katie do NOT like it when they say that to them , but I digress . ) I said , " Yes , I have the E106 here , and the Cypriot medical card . " She wasn 't the slightest bit interested in the E106 , but took the medical card off to photocopy . Then she came back again ( Helen was still screaming , by the way , but Katie had gone back outside to Marie and Lukas ) and said , " Now we can send your application to Nikosia . " I said , " My application has already been SENT to Nikosia , and returned to you here . Mrs . Maria called me and said that I only need to provide proof of medical insurance for the children , then I can be given the yellow slip . " She said no , since I 'm American , my paperwork all has to be done in Nikosia , they can 't do anything here in Larnaka . However , the lady who is doing Mrs . Maria 's work at the moment will be in on Monday , so I can come again on Monday as of 7 : 30 , if I want . But everything will HAVE to be sent to Nikosia , and they now have everything required , so there 's really no reason for me to come back in on Monday . I asked how long it will take ( as last time we were at this point , they said up to five months ) , and she said one week . With Helen still screaming , I finally said okay , and left . I got all the children in the car , Helen finally nursed and calmed down , and then I left all the children in the car and went back in . ( I ignored lines and simply walked into the inner office . ) I asked if it would be possible for ME to go to Nikosia , and she said yes , of course , and gave me a slip of paper with the address . Not having much faith in addresses in the meantime ( not to mention that there is no place to look up addresses in Cyprus . . . ) , I asked her if she could show me on the map where the immigration office in Nikosia is . She said yes , of course , and she and another colleague spent a very long time looking and my map and pointing out streets that they knew and having some long discussion of which I basically only understood the prepositions and conjuctions ( while useful bits of speech , they don 't help much in following a conversation ) , and finally told me no , they couldn 't . I asked if they could then give me my paperwork , please , so that I could take it to Nikosia , and they said no , they will send it , that they have to send it to the police there . This made NO sense to me , I explained again that Mrs . Maria had said that everything is done , they were just waiting for the children 's medical insurance , but she wasn 't particularly interested . I explained that I hope to go to Germany at the beginning of December ( oh yeah - - that 's another story , except that there really isn 't one yet , since without the yellow slip , I can 't go ) and that I 'm running out of time , and she said again , " One week . " I went back and sat in the car for a long time , with my head on the steering wheel , ignoring the children 's fussing , etc . , then finally left , and was home again by 11 : 15 . Jörn called around 12 : 00 and I told him the story , and he 's going to go in Monday morning at 7 : 30 . But at that point , my paperwork will probably all have been sent to Nikosia anyway . I 'm just remembering that I never finished the passport saga , so I suppose I should finish that first . We borrowed a friend 's car so Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics and I could go to Nikosia on a Thursday afternoon . I tried somewhere around a dozen times to telephone to confirm that that was really okay , but there was never any answer . Just before leaving town , though , I tried one more time and got an answer - - the first lady told me yes , of course , no problem , but she 'd just check if her colleague was in that day . Her colleague was in and said no , of course I couldn 't renew my passport in the afternoon - - only in the morning . So much for that afternoon , although I then did go get new passport photos - - at a different place , one Euro less , and four photos instead of two , but with my typical " Yuck - - I hate having my photo taken " face . Anyway , I went the following Monday morning leaving home at 6 : 30 . I of course hit rush hour in Nikosia , so didn 't get to the embassy until nearly 8 : 00 , and it was about two hours until I was through , but there were no problems , and three days later I got an e - mail telling me my passport was ready to be picked up . The trip to pick it up was totally uneventful - - I even left absolutely everything except my car keys and my old passport in the car , to make security easy . ( But they had cubbies for purses and such - - I 'd had to leave the diaper bag there the first time , although when I then said out loud to Helen , " Okay , Helen , no pooping , " they did let me take out one diaper and the wipes to take in with me . . . ) First of all , Cyprus is part of the European Union . Jörn and the children are Europeans , and I 'm not only married to a European , I have permanent German residency status . Therefore , it should be a very straightforward matter to register our family here in Cyprus . Within a week or two of arriving , Jörn went to the immigration office and got , in writing , a list of what we needed to have in order to register . In June we all showed up for the appointment , and after waiting outside for a long time , they called Jörn in , but looked confused about why he had bothered to bring along his wife and five children , and asked us to wait outside . So we waited outside in the parking lot in the June heat of Cyprus while Jörn was inside the air - conditioned building . ( There were trees , at least , but no seats . ) They changed their mind about certain requirements and asked us to return in July . In July we all went again , and this time , although most of the meeting was with Jörn alone while we again waited in the parking lot ( but this time I had brought water and snacks , at least ) , they did call us in at the end to check each face against the passports . Jörn and the children were all granted " yellow slips " ( not quite residence permits , but the idea is basically the same - - legal permission to be here ) , but the evil American was told that her paperwork had to be sent to Nikosia . They said that it could take up to five months , which would be the end of December , and that if it did indeed take that long , they could no longer give me a yellow slip , as my passport was due to expire June 11th , 2010 , and had to be valid for at least six months past date of issue of the yellow slip - - in other words , if they took until after December 11th to approve me , then I would no longer be approved . That was one reason I had to get a new passport . ( I needed a new one anyway because it was questionable as to whether , when we return to Cyprus next February , they would let me in with a passport only valid for another four months . Some people said three months is fine , but we 've heard so much conflicting information for so many countries that it 's better not to risk it . ) Then at some point , the immigration office here in Larnaka called and said that they had everything back from Nikosia , and that Larnaka was in trouble with Nikosia for having granted the children yellow slips , as they had " no proof of health insurance . " Of course , now it was too late , as they HAD given the children yellow slips , however , ever since then , they 've been holding MY yellow slip hostage until we provide sufficient proof of health insurance for the children . ( The fact that we have USED this health insurance for four of the children , multiple times and twice at the emergency room , in the 10 months we have been here , is irrelevant . ) I have completely lost track of how many phone calls Jörn has made to Germany and to various offices in Larnaka , and he 's visited four or five different offices here , as well , as he 's been told at each one that a different one is responsible . We eventually obtained the required E106 form from our health insurance in Germany , which states that Jörn Lange , his wife Sheila Lange , and " all members of his household " are covered by complete health insurance . This form is of course in German , but it 's a fill - in - the - blank form , with numbered blanks , and the idea is that these " E " forms ( " E " for European - - for members of the European Union ) are universal . Here in Cyprus , they need only look at a blank form in Greek and see that if box so - and - so is checked on the German form , that means such - and - such . Germany cannot provide us with a form in Greek ( or English or any other language ) - - only in German . That 's the whole point of the E - forms . However , despite requiring it of us , nobody in Cyprus has the E106 . Jörn took Jacob with him today to the worship seminar YWAM is running this week , and at a little past 9 : 00 I headed to Nikosia with the other four children . Just before 10 : 00 , despite one missed turn , we arrived easily at the address given to us by the German embassy and marked clearly on the brand - new map we have of Nikosia as " The Ministry of Health . " I 'd enjoyed the slight detour , too , as we saw part of the amazing wall in the center of Nikosia , and I was thinking about how , if the meeting went quickly , we could go to the park at the wall , and maybe I 'd phone up my friend Jane and ask if we could come hang out for awhile ( she lives very close to there ) , or maybe I should just head back to Larnaka and get to immigration before they close at 11 : 30 , or maybe we 'd go to Ikea and I 'd get another spice rack for my miniature books , or maybe we 'd look for a decent - sized bookstore , or . . . well , there were many possibilities ! Pulling up to the building , though , I thought it looked rather deserted , except for the Pizza Hut take - away and the pharmacy on the ground floor , and I thought it was odd that there was no sign of any kind around what appeared to be the main entrance . And parking was very easy - - plenty of space in the parking lot behind the building . Well , the very nice lady in the pharmacy told me that the Ministry of Health had moved two years ago , and that it was " verry , verry farr away . " She thought it was behind the old general hospital , but she couldn 't tell me how to get there , either , and it wasn 't even on my map , although she could show me the general vicinity , but again emphasized that it was very far away . I pointed out that I had come from Larnaka and it wasn 't as far as that , and I had to go there one way or another , and loaded the children back in the car . The " other side of town " is starting to look quite familiar - - that 's where the German and U . S . embassies are - - so I figured I 'd head over there and probably see a sign for the " Old General Hospital " , or at least be able to ask at a gas station or someplace . I didn 't see any signs , and Helen was starting to get very upset about being in the car for so long . Traffic was much heavier , I was being distracted by Helen , and I got rather mixed up . I never did find where I was on the map , but by the sun eventually managed to get to the west side of the city and passed by the Presidential palace twice before I finally found a place to park and nurse Helen . I then went into an office supply store , where several of the staff as well as several of the customers were very friendly and helpful , and then finally one staff person who spoke excellent English even drew me a map - - to the Old General Hospital , anyway , as she had no idea where the Ministry of Health might be . The lady at the front desk answered , " This is not the Ministry of Health . This is the Old General Hospital . " I said " I know , but I was told that the Ministry of Health is very close . " She told me to go out the back doors and then I would see the black building . Then I confused her by turning around and walking out the front door , but when I came back in a minute later with four children ( and my purse and the bag full of paperwork . . . ) she nodded . We walked down the very long corridor in the obviously VERY old hospital , went out the creaky back doors , and found ourselves on the sidewalk , with no black building in sight . We walked for awhile , and then saw a modern building on the other side of the street that maybe could be considered black ( it was all dark , reflective windows ) , but there was no sign in English on it . I carefully studied the Greek , but except for " Nikosia " ( Lefkosia , actually , in Greek ) , several prepositions , and the address ( " between the rivers " , although more accurate would be " between the mostly dry sometimes trickles of water " ) , I didn 't understand any of it . I should have at least found out what " Ministry of Health " is in Greek , but I hadn 't . Anyway , we did walk on a bit , but not seeing anything else that looked promising , we went back and went inside . There were several posters of health - related activities ( brusthing teeth , washing hands , etc . ) hanging up , so it looked promising . By the time it was my turn at the front desk , it was nearly 12 : 00 . The lady there told me to see " Mrs . Marta , inside " , and vaguely waved her hand behind her . There was a short hallway and three or four doors , all of them open , but none of them had the name " Marta " on them . I put my head inside one where there seemed to be a lot of activity and asked ( in Greek , this time ) where Mrs . Marta was , and the lady there waved vaguely and said ( in Greek , at least ! ) , " Inside . " I went in the direction I thought maybe she had pointed , but that lady wasn 't Mrs . Marta either - - it turned out that she was at the back of the first office into which I had looked - - inside . Mrs . Marta didn 't speak the most fluent English , but it was certainly hundreds of times better than my Greek , and I tried to explain the situation . All I wanted her to do was to write the children 's names on the E106 and put a stamp on it . She told me she needed our alien registration numbers , and I explained that that was the problem : I do not have one yet , and I 'm trying to get one , and that 's why I need this form filled out ! She kept explaining that I couldn 't have a medical card until I had an alien registration , and to please go to immigration and get registered , then she could give me a medical card . I told her that I don 't want a medical card , and that I can 't register until I have this form . I even told her in Greek that my husband and children are German , but I am from the United States , and that 's why I have a problem . Mrs . Marta finally called Mrs . Emily upstairs ( in Cyprus , people are generally all called " Mrs . " or " Mr . " and their first name ) , and then handed the phone to me so I could explain this to Mrs . Emily . Mrs . Emily spoke excellent English , but could not understand why I needed this . I sympathized - - in fact , I 've been told by other people that there is no law requiring anyone to even have health insurance , so nobody understands why the immigration office is requiring this of us . However , the immigration office is refusing to register me without this , so it 's not like I have a lot of choice . I talked with Mrs . Marta again , and she called Mrs . Emily again , and then Mrs . Emily came downstairs to see my paperwork and talk with me personally . By this time the children were getting rather ansty , and although I did quiet them , I apologized to Mrs . Marta and explained that they 'd been in the car for nearly three hours and it was hard sitting for so long . ( Actually , the car was only about 2 1 / 2 hours , but we 'd also waited for awhile . ) She raised her eyebrows and said , " From Larnaka ? " and I explained that we 'd first gone to where the Ministry of Health used to be , but a lady at the pharmacy there had told me that it had moved two years ago , and I had had a lot of trouble finding the new place . She said , " No , not two years ago - - very recently ! " I asked when , and she just said again , " Very recently , not two years ! " Mrs . Emily appeared to mostly understand , and said that they 'd be happy to put the children on the form and issue a medical card for my husband and children , but that they couldn 't issue one for me , because I didn 't have an alien registration number . Nobody cared at all that we have European health cards which we can already use at any hospital and that I don 't WANT a Cypriot medical card , but I finally said that was fine . She took the paperwork with her and asked me to wait . I did not cry . I am very proud of myself . I explained again , very , very slowly , " This form was issued by my German health insurance to show that I have health insurance from Germany . I do not NEED a Cypriot medical card , I need to get the yellow slip ! If they don 't believe that I have health insurance , they will not register me . This form was from Germany . This form was proof that I have health insurance . I do have health insurance . You should not have crossed out my name . " Mrs . Marta called Mrs . Emily again , I talked with her for awhile . They apologized . In the meantime , my name is crossed out , in ink , which makes it look as though I do not have health insurance . I wrote down Mrs . Emily 's name and phone number , and she said that the immigration office should telephone her if they have a problem . I guess I 'll find out tomorrow morning if that works . We finally got back to the car and left the parking lot at 1 : 10 , four hours after leaving home . No park , no visiting Jane , no Ikea , and likely no lunch , either , if Lukas was to get to gymnastics by 2 : 30 , especially as it was now the middle of the lunch rush hour . ( Most Cypriots go home for lunch and many stores close for a couple of hours in the middle of the day . ) At 1 : 40 I pulled up to a Zorpas bakery and bought too - soft bread ( didn 't get our favorite bread , because that would have needed slicing which would have taken longer ) and expensive cheese , which Marie made into sandwiches and handed out as I kept driving . We made it to gymnastics with 10 minutes to spare , I let Lukas out , and we came home and I started typing this . At 3 : 30 I picked up Lukas again , and now it 's 4 : 45 and Lukas and Katie are playing outside and Marie is doing math . A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that she 'd read a post at my other blog that she thought I 'd accidentally put there instead of here , but I didn 't get around to checking it until just now . She was right , so I 've copied and posted it here . I 'm not sure if it will go in the right order or not , as I 'm certainly not going to try anything fancy , just claim the original date and time , which was October 22nd at 10 : 55 p . m . Incidentally , I 've since figured out just why I was SO tired , although I really should have been completely recovered from the flu by that time . Much to our happy surprise , we 're expecting a baby next June ! : - ) ( And the first trip to the doctor - - two and a half hours , about three minutes of which were with the doctor - - ought to be another post , but not today . ) We have three computers ( well , one isn 't ours , but is more - or - less on permanent loan ) , all of which have different quirks . The main problem with this one is that it has a tendency to be near - dying - - WHEN it 's working , it 's definitely the best of the three . It 's the only one that lets me type easily , so I 'm taking advantage of it working to try to update . Passport : after the futile trip to Nikosia on Columbus Day , I chose the next sort - of available time , Thursday afternoon . We borrowed a friend 's car so that Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics , and at 2 : 00 I left in our car , with Katie and Helen , first taking a friend home . I 'd tried quite a few times to call the embassy to confirm the hours , but the recording between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . kept telling me to call between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . However , just after dropping off my friend , I pulled over and tried one more time , as I still needed new photos , and if they couldn 't tell me where to get them near the embassy , I preferred to try to get them in Larnaka . I actually talked to a HUMAN ! ! A very nice human , too , who said that of course I could come that afternoon to renew my passport , no problem - - oh , but maybe she should just check if the lady who does that was in . She connected me to someone else , who informed me that under no circumstances could I renew my passport outside of the hours 7 : 30 to 11 : 00 ( which is , actually , what the website said . ) So . . . I looked for another place to get passport photos taken ( being embarrassed to go to the same place as the week before . . . ) and found a parking space directly in front of a place that gave me FOUR photos ( instead of two ) for SEVEN Euros ( instead of eight . ) As expected , I look annoyed and wanting to get out of there in the photo . Oh well . Monday this week I left at 6 : 30 a . m . , with only Helen , and arrived at the embassy at 7 : 45 , and parked only about a five - minutes ' walk away . ( A friend came to babysit the other four children as of 8 : 30 , and another friend picked up Jörn at 8 : 40 for work . ) I had to go through three separate security checks , and at the second one they told me I couldn 't take anything except my papers , so I said ( out loud ) to Helen , " Okay Helen , no being hungry or pooping . " They ended up letting me take the wipes and a diaper after all , which they put in a page protector along with my wallet , but not the crackers . It 's a good thing Helen is very happy with mama - milk , because that 's all I was allowed to take in . The rest was put in a cubby , no problem . ( A friend of mine renewed her daughter 's passport in Frankfurt , Germany , a couple of weeks ago , and had to walk several blocks to a kiosk that does businesss taking a lot of money to hold cell phones of people going to the U . S . consulate - - no cubbies there ! ) When I got home , I was falling asleep while talking with the friend who had been babysitting , and she talked me into taking a nap . I DO NOT NAP . But I agreed to go lie down . I started to drift off almost immediately , at which point Marie came to tell me she had found something , then Jacob came to ask a question , and then Katie brought me my cell phone , as Jörn was calling . And then I actually went to sleep and slept an hour and a half . Tuesday I went to Tots in the morning , which despite having something like 20 children , is considerably more restful than my own five at home . Katie and Helen mostly bee - bop around doing their own thing - - I occasionally have to rescue some child 's hair from Helen , and I did play peekaboo with Helen in the playhouse for awhile , and she fell off of her chair during snack time , but nothing dramatic . Then we took Sue home and visited with her for a bit , but it got exhausting chasing Helen and telling Katie to keep her feet off of the furniture , etc . , so we were home in plenty of time for lunch . In the afternoon I let Marie stay home ( Jörn was out ) while I took Lukas to gymnastics , but I spent so much of the time trying to keep Helen and Katie off of the mats ( Jacob helped by chasing Helen a few times while I was dealing with Katie ) that I didn 't get to watch Lukas much or listen to the Greek . Tuesday evening we had a prayer meeting here , but only until about 10 : 00 . ( Oh , and I translated and proofread some things for a friend , but it wasn 't much . ) Wednesday I worked at the YWAM preschool - - oh yeah , kind of a major thing that I haven 't managed to mention here on the HOMESCHOOLBLOGGER blog , but as of last week , I 'm working Wednesdays and Fridays in a preschool . ( Those are the only two days that it happens . . . ) I take Katie and Helen , and there are two other preschool children , as well as the 6 - year - old daughter of the leader . I was VERY apprehensive about it all , but it 's working out well , and it 's so peaceful there . The three older children are at home with Jörn - - Wednesdays his regular meeting happens here at home ( the children have lists of independent and cooperative , non - parent - needed , work to do , and instructions to interrupt only if there 's blood , which there was this Wednesday , but not too serious ) , and Friday is Jörn 's morning off . Wednesday afternoon we went to Sue 's house to watch Swallows and Amazons - - the children had actually started watching it Sunday evening on the " new laptop " ( the one that we bought new just over a year ago , which has Vista , which we really , really can 't stand ) , but about 15 minutes into it it started getting funny and then quit altogether , and our permanently - borrowed computer doesn 't have a DVD player , and the " old laptop " ( the one I 'm using at the moment , bought used on E - bay 3 1 / 2 years ago and excellent in every way except for it 's tendency to need repairs that would cost thousands of Euros if we didn 't have friends who have done it for us for free twice in the last month . . . ) wasn 't working . Actually , by Wednesday it had been repaired again , but we 'd already arranged to go to Sue 's , and the children were REALLY excited about that . A much bigger screen and actual sound weren 't too bad , either . : - ) Shortly before we were going to leave there , we found out that the couple who was supposed to come to dinner at our house wasn 't coming after all , so we invited Sue and Richard to dinner . After dinner we played Settlers of Catan with them AND with Marie and Jacob ( who have been begging to play with Sue and Richard for ages ) , with Lukas , Katie , and Helen all trying to help . It was fun . I think . It was pretty loud , so kind of hard to tell . Then the children went to bed and we played a nice peaceful game . Today . . . Jacob complained that he got woken up by my shouting ( at Lukas , who had just dropped a rock about the size of Katie 's head within about two centimeters OF Katie 's head . . . ) , but I refused to apologize when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10 : 00 . Other than that , the day wasn 't too hectic . I took Lukas to gymnastics - - this time Jacob stayed home , and Marie and Katie watched , and I stayed in the car with Helen , who had just fallen asleep , and sorted photos on the laptop . Then a friend dropped off two of her children while taking another one of them to the doctor ( and she had her baby with her , too ) , so another couple of peaceful hours , because of course the children all went off to play . After the doctor 's appointment , they came back here for dinner , which was very nice , although a bit loud . But not as loud with nine children as it had been last night with only our five . . . I don 't get it . Our plan today was to go to the U . S . embassy in Nikosia to apply for a new passport for me ( according to the website , only open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 11 : 00 a . m . ) , and then to Ikea for a growing list of " needed " items . One potential item was some sort of brainstormed idea for a hamster cage , cheaper ( or at least bigger and nicer ) than the only hamster cage at the pet store we visited last week , so on the way to Nikosia , we stopped at another pet store in case they had more acceptable hamster cages . We also had something to pick up at the post office , so not knowing if it might be something big , we thought it would be better to drive there than to walk . Then we went to the post office . As one street was blocked off , we turned into another and I jumped out and walked to the post office . It was only an envelope , but it had come open , so I had to sign for it . ( It was the invitation to my host sister 's wedding in Costa Rica , which is of course cool , but as we can 't go , it made me sad . . . ) Then when I walked back to where I thought the car was . . . it wasn 't there . I walked back to the post office and retraced my steps , totally confused , wondering how I was ever going to figure out where we were parked , since I had obviously gotten it wrong . I wondered around several blocks , and as I returned the third or fourth time to where I thought the car had been , Jörn came driving around the corner . That WAS where he had been , but he 'd had to move , because someone parked ( and left ) their car just opposite ours , in the narrow one - way street , so nobody could get by . Because of all the one - way streets and several of them closed because of construction , it took him quite awhile to get back - - he couldn 't just drive around the block . Already running rather late , we finally headed out of town , with Helen screaming . We sang all of her favorite songs and a few others , and I finally said that it didn 't matter whether we made it to the embassy , but we HAD to stop . So we stopped , filled Helen up with mama - milk , and then kept going . I suppose there were speed - limit signs on the freeway , but I didn 't get the impression that my husband paid any attention to them . For that matter , nobody else did , either - - we were being passed more often than not . We found easily enough the place labled on the map as " U . S . Embassy " , arriving at 10 : 55 a . m . Rather than try to find someplace to park , I jumped out of the car while Jörn waited , to ask if this WAS the embassy ( there was plenty of barbed wire and several soldiers on duty , but it seemed rather strange that there was a Cypriot flag and a Greek flag , but no U . S . flag . . . ) , and if I could still get in 5 minutes before closing time . Well , it wasn 't - - it was a Cypriot army base , and has been for a very long time . They could tell me that the U . S . embassy was somewhere completely different , but not how to get there . So although now it was obviously too late , we thought we 'd at least head for the other side of town , near the presidential palace and the German embassy , to see if we could find the U . S . embassy to be able to get there more easily another day . We actually found it very easily - - it had a huge flag , flying high , which my husband spotted from the next street . ( And my German - born children started singing " The Star - Spangled Banner " when they saw it , which despite my 19 years outside of the U . S . and my general lack of patriotism , I thought was pretty cool ! ) Again , my husband stopped the car and I jumped out to ask the lady on duty if there was any chance that the website was wrong and I could still get in , although it was 11 : 15 . Well , the website was wrong : for U . S . citizens , the embassy is open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 4 : 00 p . m . , every day except for Cypriot and U . S . holidays . Today happens to be a U . S . holiday . I thought about it for a moment and said , " Oh . . . Columbus Day ? " but the lady didn 't know - - she 's from Romania and has lived in Cyprus for 20 years . This happens to be my 20th October outside of the U . S . ( making it more than half of my Octobers , as this is my 39th October . . . ) , the 19th consecutive one , so I 'm not too up on U . S . holidays . Back in the car , and we went to Ikea . We did find some of the stuff on our list , and some that wasn 't , but several things that were on our list were not to be found . That 's fairly typical of a trip to Ikea , so I suppose not so bad . And I 'll be going to Nikosia again at least twice in the relatively near future - - once to apply for my passport and once to pick it up - - so I can stop by Ikea again . When we got home , I wanted to put the passport application and all of our passports away , and couldn 't find the photos that I had taken last week . They were nowhere to be found - - not in my bag , not in the car . I even looked through all of the pages of all six passports ( Jörn had his own in his own bag - - I only had the children 's and mine ) and the three books in my bag , and finally cleaned out the car . I had everything on my lap between the not - embassy and the actual embassy , and my suspicion is that when I picked up my passport , wallet , and passport application to jump out of the car the second time , I missed the photos , so they fell off my lap ( and out of the car ) as I got out , and are now on the ground across the street from the U . S . embassy . I HATE having my photo taken , and it was actually the best passport photo I 'd ever gotten ( depsite the huge pimple on my chin ) , because Jacob was with me and made me laugh right before the photo was taken . Now I 'm feeling sulky ( because of the cost and the fact of another photo at all ) and have to go get more expensive stupid - sized photos taken , so it will be a much more typical photo that I 'll be stuck with for the next 10 years . ( The U . S . requires 5 cm by 5 cm - - and then CUTS THEM DOWN TO THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS EUROPEAN PASSPORT PHOTOS ! ! ! ! So I always have to pay extra for the weird size and only get two photos instead of four . For a short time ( I think Marie 's second passport and Lukas 's first , in the summer of 2002 ) , they did accept European passport photos , but mostly I 've had to get the U . S . - size ones - - that 's 11 passports just in the last 12 years , and two more are due for renewals next year . ) Jacob hasn 't liked sleeping in a bed since he was about four or five - - he 's mostly slept on the floor . For the last six months or so , Lukas has also been sleeping on the floor more often than not . Last week the boys cleaned their room completely , then put colored tape on the floor to define " Jacob 's " , " Lukas 's " , and " shared " areas of the room . In the process , Lukas gave me several blankets to put away , as he decided ( at the end of September , after four months of Cypriot summer . . . ) that it was really too warm for so many blankets . Last night he asked me to give him some blankets , as the floor was too hard . I said , " Well , you COULD sleep on the mattress , you know ! " His eyes lit up and he said , " That 's a good idea ! I can put the mattress on the floor under the bed , then when I throw toys on the bed , they won 't bounce ! ! " So now Lukas has his mattress on the floor under his bed . The same bed we brought to Cyprus because Lukas was so heartbroken at the thought of leaving it behind - - it was the only children 's bed we brought . He 's slept in it maybe three times since we came . But at least he has a good place to keep toys without them bouncing . What I haven 't figured out yet is why we bought Jacob a bed when we got here . He didn 't want one , and didn 't want to lose that space in his room , but I thought he should have one . Maybe for the same reason my parents insisted on getting me a bed ( a futon , actually ) when I gave my bed to my little sister when she was big enough for a bed , since I preferred sleeping on the floor anyway and didn 't want a bed taking space up in my room . Not that I know what that reason was , nor do I know why I preferred sleeping on the floor myself . . . When we moved to Cyprus in January this year , the only bicycle we brought was Lukas 's . It 's a very sturdy beginning bicycle that I bought used for Marie nearly eight years ago , and Marie , Jacob , and Lukas all learned to ride on it . ( Well , actually Lukas learned to ride on a friend 's bike , but perfected his technique with this one . ) Marie 's and Jacob 's bicycles were both falling apart and I ran out of time to pack mine and left it with a friend , thinking maybe to bring it out to Cyprus some time in the future , Jörn doesn 't ride a bike , and Katie and Helen don 't , either . I also brought the bike trailer . I bought the bike trailer when Marie was three months old and used it ( in December , in Germany , no less ! ) quite a lot for about a month . Then we moved so that my husband 's great - aunt could come to live with us . The combined facts of having the bicycle and trailer in a very hard - to - get - to place in the cellar , and not wanting to be gone for longer than necessary from the great - aunt , meant that I didn 't use the trailer again until about three years later , with both Marie and Jacob , and used it all of once , I think . ( Maybe twice ? ) Then we moved again and it was much easier to get the bike and trailer out , so I used it once to go to playgroup , was concerned about how horribly dizzy I got , then found out I was pregnant with Lukas . Oh , and the last seven and a half years in Germany , we lived at the top of a very long , very steep street . That meant that going anywhere was easy , coming home was a pain . So between weather , pregnancies , great public transportation , being out of the country , and laziness . . . well , I used the trailer maybe half a dozen times in all those years . But I still like the IDEA very much , and where we live in Cyprus is much flatter ! But a bike trailer without a bike isn 't much use , so a month or two after arriving , we bought a ( very ) used bicycle for me , which turned out to need new tires ( which I didn 't get ) , and a bike for Jacob , which is great - - especially as it was only 10 Euros . Then a couple of months ago we finally got bikes for Marie and for me . We rode them home , and parked them - - it was WAY too hot for me to be willing to go bike - riding ! This afternoon , though , I realized that the weather is finally perfect , so pumped up the tires of the bike trailer , put Katie and Helen in it , and the boys and I went for a short , but glorious , bike ride along the salt lake . ( Which , incidentally , had quite a lot of water in it for several days last week , and still has a little bit ! ) Helen looked confused and curious as I buckled her in , but within about five seconds of starting , she was humming to hear the funny sound that makes going over bumps . : - ) She absolutely loved it . I had a hard time keeping up with the boys , but blamed it on the 35 or so kilos I was pulling , not on the mumble - mumble kilos on my saddle . Yes , there are about four months of the year that it 's too hot for ME to be willing to ride a bike ( the boys were riding all summer long ) , but the public transportation here is between bad and non - existant , and we only have one car , and it 's basically flat all around here , and it doesn 't rain much , sooooo . . . I hope that today 's bike ride doesn 't stay the only one this year ! For that matter , I would like to go for another , longer , ride with all the children tomorrow , and on Tuesday might even use the bikes " for real " , rather than walking to playgroup . The traffic conditions are a bit scary , so I 'm not sure about that yet . We 'll have to see how the " practice " goes tomorrow , especially with Lukas . Nobody is supposed to ride on the sidewalk , not even children , but the worst stretch traffic - wise has a really wide sidewalk , and when we walked to playgroup last week there were hardly any people there , so I 'm thinking we might just ride on the sidewalk and see what happens . To start with , we 've just had a somewhat . . . challenging . . . three weeks with a visitor , so I started off the evening last night tired . I do know that I 've gotten better and better at packing over the years , all the same , it puzzled me how it could take a single guy about 4 times longer to pack for himself than it takes me to pack for seven people . At the end , despite the fact that he 'd taken dozens of stones from the beach here ( not entirely sure that that 's legal . . . ) and bought hundreds of Euros ' worth of clothes ( much cheaper here than in Germany , apparently - - I wouldn 't know , as I don 't shop either place . . . ) , he was surprised to find that his suitcase was seven kilograms overweight . At 1 : 15 this morning , as my husband ( Jörn ) was more than ready to leave for the airport , " G " started going on and on about how they 'd be sure to look the other way , etc . and that he was just going to risk it . ( On the way here he had six kilos too much and got away with it by saying , " Look , I 'm visiting a family with five children who moved to Cyprus seven months ago - - they need their chocolate and Haribo ! " The lady apparently said , " I shouldn 't do this , but . . . " and let him get away with it . He thinks he charmed her , I think she was tired of listening to him talk . I 'm not feeling very charitable , I have to admit . ) But we asked what his plan of action was if they didn 't ( at 22 Euros per kilo too much , that would be an expensive seven kilos ! ! ) , and he was quite surprised to realize that Jörn , who was supposed to work at 7 : 00 a . m . today , only intended to drop him off at the airport and come back home - - not hang around for an hour or so . So G decided to re - pack and leave things here for us to ship to him . Then just before 1 : 30 , as they ( Jörn and G ) were about to head out the door , half an hour later than intended , Lukas came into the living room and said sleepily , " Jacob fell out of bed . " That was rather surprising , not only as Jacob is ten years old and has never fallen out of bed before , but also because he very rarely sleeps IN bed - - he usually sleeps on the floor . I asked if he was crying or bleeding and Lukas said yes to both , so I headed to see what was up - - Jörn , the less lazy and more compassionate parent of the two , had already gone to Jacob . I found Jacob sitting on the bathroom floor , Jörn cleaning blood from Jacob 's face and trying to locate the source of the bleeding to stop it . Jacob had a gash on his cheek over an inch long . It wasn 't until we got to the hospital that we realized that the blood caked all over his eyebrow was not from the same wound , but from a similar gash on his eyebrow . The thought of G missing his flight just did not bear thinking of , and Jacob was dizzy and there was an awful lot of blood on his bedroom floor and leading to the bathroom , so we didn 't want to wait for Jörn to take G to the airport and come back , and even though we temporarily ( as of yesterday afternoon ) have two cars , we also didn 't want to leave sleeping children on their own . ( I might have been tempted to if they 'd all been asleep - - I would have woken up Marie and told her what we were doing - - but Lukas was still awake and had started crying again because G was leaving . Having no idea how long I 'd be gone , it wouldn 't have been a good idea anyway . ) So Jörn took G to the aiport in the borrowed car and I called Richard . Richard answered his phone extremely coherently for 1 : 30 a . m . and came over right away , and I put Helen ( who had been awake since 12 : 30 and I hadn 't even bothered trying to get back to sleep , as she was useful in helping keep me awake until G 's departure ) and Jacob into our car and drove to the hospital . The emergency room looked crowded when we walked in , but I quickly realized that all the people there were with only one person , who was already being seen to , and we were taken straight into an examining room . When Jörn and I had taken Lukas to the emergency room in April ( while , incidentally , Richard 's wife , Sue , babysat the other children ) , they hadn 't let me go with him because of Helen , so being there on my own this time I was prepared to fight to stay with him , but they didn 't blink an eye at Helen this time . ( Well , actually , they all blinked lots of eyes at Helen , flirting madly with her as she flirted back ! ! ) They discussed back and forth about whether they should stitch or use Steri - Strips ( I didn 't get a whole lot of the conversation , as it was in Greek , but " Steri - Strips " in Greek is . . . roll of drums . . . " Steri - Strips " ) and finally settled on Steri - Strips . Jacob was great , squeezing my hand tight and groaning a tiny bit , but holding his head perfectly still , as three people worked on him . We of course were asked how it happened , and I said that Jacob said he fell out of bed and must have landed on Legos or something - - who knows , as he has a ten - year - old boy 's bedroom . The doctor looked rather skeptical , which made me very uncomfortable , and he examined Jacob all over , also finding two bruises on his leg . Jacob said he was coming down the ladder ( his bed is a " captain 's bed " - - higher than a regular bed , but not by a lot - - the ladder only has two rungs ) and slipped , and he didn 't know what he 'd hit . After they 'd finished with the Steri - Strips and were filling out a form for getting an x - ray , Jörn arrived . Yes , I CAN manage an emergency run to the hospital on my own ( have a bit too much experience as it is ) , but it 's SO much easier with my husband there , too , and I was very glad to see him ! Jacob had the x - ray ( he said they took three or four , all of his head ) , they checked the x - rays and said that he was fine , and we were told to keep him quiet and not to let the wounds get wet for four or five days . The doctor told Jacob no skateboarding or football , that this was a time to sit inside and play computer games , at which Jacob looked insulted and said , " I 'll read . " ( That cracked me up , as he likes computer games at least as much as his mother does and plays even more , but I 'm glad he also thought of reading ! ) Anyway , fun fun - - keep him quiet and dry . We 've gone to the beach nearly every day for the last three months , and on the evenings we don 't go , Jacob plays loud and wild games of hide - and - seek and tag with the neighborhood children . I figure I 'll at least catch up on the reading - aloud that I 've meant to do but haven 't , because Jacob is usually running around outside . . . To finish the story , we got home and let Richard go home to his own bed , Jacob went to bed in our bed , and Helen and I went to bed in Katie 's bed . ( Katie and Marie have a bunk bed with a single bed on top and a double bed underneath . On any given night they might both be on the top , both be on the bottom , or one in each - - last night Marie was in the top bunk and Katie was in the bottom . ) I first removed a coloring book , several marking pens , three stones , and a spinning top , then there was plenty of room for us . Katie woke up and was very , very pleased to see us in her bed , but Helen was not at all pleased to have Katie 's arm around her . Despite the fact that it was 3 : 00 a . m . I had a hard time falling asleep , not being able to read first , but eventually managed , and the next thing I knew it was 7 : 15 . Jörn had set his alarm for 7 : 00 , so he could call and say he 's not going to work this morning and was already back asleep . And now it 's time to leave to take the children to the last day of holiday club ( VBS for U . S . ians ) , and Jacob wants to go too , so I 'm going to be staying . My bet is that within half an hour , Jacob will decide it 's too loud anyway and want to come home . I 've seen various forms of these rules , which totally crack me up . The scary part for me is how many people don 't even get the joke ! Anyway , here 's one list , which I found while trying to figure out where the list originated . This was the best explanation , in my opinion , and below is a partial list . Enjoy ! Okay , so I was born in Southern California , in a place called Oceanside , which is even actually right by the ocean , and we apparently went to the beach on a regular basis . But I don 't remember it at all , and we moved north when I was 3 1 / 2 or 4 . The first time I actually remember being to the beach was when I was 12 - - we went to Disneyland and camped near the beach , and I loved it . As I recall , it was all stones - - no annoying sand . The next time I remember was when I was 18 , went to Disneyland again ( this time with my high school graduating class ) , and I hated it , but I don 't think that had to do with the beach itself , even though it was sandy , but with the fact that I did NOT want to be on that trip and had a bad attitude about it the whole time . I 'm sure I 'd been to the beach other times during my childhood , but I honestly don 't remember them . Mom ? Sibs ? Do any of you read my blog ? When I was 18 I went to Mexico for a year , lived six hours from the coast , and went with the youth group to the beach over a weekend , which also happened to be my birthday . Except for getting sunburned after sitting in the back of a pickup truck for six hours , and the campfire where they all sang happy birthday to me and each and every person gave me a hug ( I love Latin America ! ) , I don 't remember much from that time , either . Is it possible I didn 't even go in the water ? I 've also been to the beach several times in Costa Rica : once with the group of exchange students when I was there the first time in 1988 , once with my host brother and some of his friends ( I think in 1993 , but not sure ) , and once with most of the family two years ago . We did have a wonderful time , but the sand was all over the place and irritating . Having the outdoor shower in the house where we stayed was very helpful . Oh yes , and we spent a couple of days at the beach in Thailand three years ago . I didn 't want to be there ( at the beach , that is - - I loved the eight weeks in Thailand that we spent with the PEOPLE ) , hating being surrounded by tourists and sand . I annoyed my family and my friends by singing Sandra Boynton 's wonderful song , " Tropical Sand . " Here 's my favorite line from the first verse : You like the tropical sun and the tropical sea , But hey , mon , Alaska sounds good to me . And we now live in Cyprus , where the furthest distance from the beach isn 't very far , and we live in Larnaca , right on the coast . Without children I could probably walk to the beach in 20 minutes , we can certainly drive there in less than five minutes ( parking and getting into and out of the car take longer than the drive ) , but I DON ' T LIKE SAND . People had been telling me since January that we 'd be going to the beach regularly once it got hot , and I was skeptical . I love being in the water , but I don 't like sand , and I don 't like the sun much , either . When my brother visited at the end of March we did go to the beach for an hour , but it was cold ( which was nice ) and only three of the children even went into the water . Wind kept blowing sand in my face and I sang my favorite beach song again . In the middle of May a friend took us sailing , and the beach there was all stones , which I liked very much , but the children missed sand . So . . . by the end of May , my husband had found the perfect beach for us , in Pervolia , about 15 minutes away . Once I 've gone to all the hassle of getting everyone and all the stuff into the car , I really don 't care if we drive 15 minutes instead of five , especially for this perfect beach . It has stones where our stuff all stays sand - free , and right at the water it has sand for the children to play in . It stays shallow for a very long way , so I 'm not paranoid about the children , and the very best part : when we go around 4 : 30 or 5 : 00 in the afternoon , we have SHADE - - even in the water ! And there are hardly any people there , and most of the people we 've seen are Cypriots , not tourists . I 've even had a couple of good exchanges with non - English - speaking Cypriots , and they 're very hard to find . So for the last five weeks or so we have been to the beach three or four times every week , and we 've been loving it . Yesterday , however , we couldn 't go to " our " beach , because we had a homeschool families get - together at the beach here in Larnaca , which is all sand . We did find a little bit of shade from the lifeguard station , but there was sand in everything and on everything , and there were people all over . I did enjoy the part where I was in the water , and I very much enjoyed having the time with the other parents , but I 'm looking forward to going to Pervolia tonight . I 'm going to have to get used to sand , though , too , as the homeschoolers want to meet at the beach every week , and our housegroup will be meeting at the beach every other week throughout the summer , starting tomorrow . And yesterday I promised my husband that I would NOT sing the best beach song that was ever written , so I didn 't . And that 's the point of this post - - getting to sing the song ! : - ) First , a semantics disclaimer : the word " homeschooling " for me does not say anything about our " homeschooling style " , just that our children don 't attend traditional school , public or private ! We 're fairly relaxed , which translates to wildy disorganized in the eyes of the highly structured , yet far too structured in the eyes of the true " free - learners . " I can live with that . : - ) Anyway , as I was saying . . . Last week , with the whole family in the car , and for no particular reason , I asked my oldest daughter ( Marie , 11 years and 9 months old ) if she likes being homeschooled . She said , " Umm . . . yeah , I guess so . " I asked why , and she said because she hates getting up early . ( She went to public school for six months in third grade , nearly four years ago , and yes , she hated getting up every single school day of those six months . ) I asked if she would want to go to school if she could start at , say , at 10 : 00 , and she said maybe . Then I told her that it 's really okay to say what she thinks , that I wasn 't trying to get her to answer what she might think I would like to hear , but that I really wanted to know . So she went on to say that at school she really liked art class and misses that , and she enjoyed recess and playing with the other children , and the rest was okay except for P . E . We talked about it a little longer and she admitted she likes math at home better ( that surprised me - - at the time , she seemed quite happy with the ridiculously easy busywork , not bothered in the slightest by not being challenged ) , and she likes all the reading we do , and she likes having lots of time to read on her own . It came down to that if she could do " flexi - schooling " , which I recently read about in a book called " Free - range Education " , she would probably like that very much , but that if that 's not an option , homeschooling is better than going to school , although kind of in a " lesser of two evils " type of way . Not very encouaraging , really , but a good chat . Then I turned to my 10 - year - old son , Jacob , and asked him the same question . From him came the enthusiastic , " YES ! ! Of course ! " I asked why , and he said , " Because I can get up when I want to and read what I want to and learn what I want to and however I want to and wherever I want to and I can think what I want to and say what I want to and nobody teases me and I can play with the friends I want to play with and do the things I want to do . " I purposely didn 't put any punctuation in there , because he definitely didn 't use any while speaking ! We talked a bit more , but there wasn 't much more to say . From my point of view , he totally " gets " why we 're homeschooling . ( He attended first grade for six months , at the same time Marie was in third grade . ) Just to finish off , I asked my nearly - seven - year - old son , Lukas , if he likes being homeschooled , and the little ham said , " Yes , because I get to spend more time with my mother . " As a friend of mine wrote on her blog about her son a few weeks ago , he would probably make a great politician , but we have higher hopes for him . I did talk a bit more with Lukas , but as he 's never been to school , he doesn 't have anything to compare it to , and it boiled down to the fact that he 's quite happy with his life . Then Katie ( will be four next month ) said , " Mommy , you didn 't ask me ! " so I said , " Okay , Katie , do you like being homeschooled ? " She put on her silly little " I 'm - pretending - to - be - shy - because - so - many - people - think - that 's - cute " face and said , " Yes . " I dutifully continued with , " Why do you like it ? " and she said , " Because I get to do math ! " When Lukas finished Earlybird 2B several months ago , Katie took over his book , constantly asking me to do it with her . I finally got her her own book , Earlybird 1A , a few weeks ago , which was a bit silly , because she finished half of the book in about three sittings . Whatever . Just to be silly , I then turned to Helen , nine months old , and said , " So , Helen , do you want to be homeschooled , too ? " and Marie responded extremely emphatically , " Yes , definitely ! " I was rather surprised , after her own rather wishy - washy response , and asked why she was so sure that Helen would like being homeschooled . Marie 's response , " Because Helen has strong opinions . " Very interesting . I asked then if one can 't have strong opinions at school , and Marie got kind of quiet again and finally said , " Well , yes , but you can 't do anything about them . You 're sort of supposed to think the same things the other kids think , and like the same things and have the same things , and you 're not really supposed to like math or like the teachers or anything like that . " I asked her if she didn 't have any strong opinions herself , and she said she does now , and wouldn 't let people change them anyway , but that would be one reason she wouldn 't want to go to school ALL the time , because it would be too exhausting keeping her own opinions . Last week - - Jacob dropped something in the bathroom sink and it ( the sink / washbasin ) broke . It was replaced yesterday . Now we know a nice English - speaking plumber . This afternoon - - Lukas was climbing up the side of the veranda and he and the concrete slab on top of the brick planters that make up the walls of the veranda crashed to the concrete ground . Now we know where the hospital is and Lukas has had his first x - ray , but his ankle is thankfully only sprained , not broken . I 'm supposed to keep a six - year - old boy still and with his foot up for five days . So she played with the frog for awhile , singing some version or another of this song , but then decided the frog needed speckles , as it was only plain green . After a long family discussion about the frog 's ownership , it was determined that it was Jacob 's frog , but he never denies his little sister anything he can grant her , so he carefully speckled the frog with a permanent marker . Delighted , Katie continued to play and sing , and this was her latest version of the song , fitting the melody perfectly , with the text as near as I can remember it : Her explanation was that as it landed on its back ( she 'd of course tossed it up in the air to land in the " pond " ) , it was dead like the cockroach we found in the shower this morning . Which reminded us that we 'd found a dead cockoach in the shower this morning and hadn 't done anything about it , so went to look at it to think some more about it , and discovered that it WASN ' T dead , after all ! ! It was on its back , but wiggling its legs . We put a yogurt pot over it while we decide what to do next . Yuck . I 've been wanting to write a blog post with this title for a week ! Several times since we moved into this house , I 've managed to wake up and GET up before Katie did , and have gone for a walk down by the salt lake . Last week when I did that , there were snails EVERYWHERE . Not wanting to step on them ( in all honesty , not so much because of caring about snails , but because of not wanting yucky squished snail on my sandals . . . ) , I spent most of the time watching carefully where I was walking , which involved a lot of back - and - forth , or slow motion swerving . Snail slalom . Almost all of the snails were crossing the path from south to north , except for in one short section where they were crossing north to south . Very weird . I went for another walk the day before yesterday and played snail slalom again , but there weren 't quite as many , so I got to enjoy the scenery a bit more . I also discovered that we 're pretty much right in the middle of the four - kilometer - long path - - it took me 21 minutes to walk to one end of it , and 23 minutes to walk to the other end . Since it 's about half a kilometer down to the path , that 's a five - kilometer walk if I go to one end only and back home . Not very far , but a first step towards my goal of running a marathon before I 'm 58 . I take Helen with me in the sling , so I can 't jog even if I could jog , which I can 't . When I played snail slalom the day before yesterday , I didn 't wear socks with my sandals and got blisters on both big toes and on one heel . I feel like such a wimp . I would have liked to go down to the salt lake this morning to watch the sunrise , but I pretended that the fact that my favorite sling is in the laundry was the reason I didn 't , not my limping . So . . . this morning I actually set the alarm , for 4 : 55 , and went up on the roof , instead . The sunrise is officially around 6 : 30 a . m . , but it 's light long before that , and the part I like best is watching it get light . I got Helen back to sleep and left her in bed with Papa and went up at 5 : 15 , just in time . Because of the lights from the airport , the streetlamps , and the brightness of the moon , I 'm not sure if there was any light from the sun or not yet - - east didn 't really look any different from any other direction . By 5 : 30 , it was definitely dawning , and the streetlights went off at about 5 : 45 . Despite the telephone lines and the buildings and the lack of mountains , I enjoyed it very much . Having celebrated the Son - Rise by myself on the roof , I came back downstairs at about 6 : 15 , in a much better mood than I 'd been in yesterday , ready to continue celebrating the Resurrection with my family . I made Easter bread , using Greek yogurt instead of Quark , guessing at the amount of baking powder because my recipe said " a packet of baking powder " , adding a lot more flour than the recipe said to get the right consistancy , and leaving it in the oven for about twice as long as the recipe said , and it still turned out fine ! While it was in the oven I put eggs on to boil and went outside to take down laundry and completely forgot about the eggs . 10 of the 12 were cracked , but I dyed all of them anyway , and set the table with a miniature chocolate egg on each plate . Everyone liked the bread and the eggs and the children were glad that we had a treat after all , after we 'd cancelled the egg - dying yesterday due to the enormous gap between parental expectations and children 's behavior . After breakfast the children even made butterflies and eggs with coffee filters , paper towels , and the left - over egg dye . I felt very domestic and organized . That does happen , once every couple of years or so , but it wears off quickly . At 10 : 00 we went to the worship service of a church we 've sort of kind of decided that we might mostly go to semi - regularly , and then afterwards went to a multi - lingual house church for lunch and fellowship ( and learning Greek ! ) , and didn 't get home until nearly 6 : 00 p . m . And now it 's 8 : 00 and I 'd actually like to be getting the children ready for bed , but we didn 't eat lunch until nearly 3 : 00 and haven 't even had dinner yet , and now a friend is here playing Ligretto with the children , so I 'm at the computer . I 'm not sure what we 're doing next Sunday , which is when the Greek Orthodox celebrate Easter . Okay , the friend is going to continue playing Ligretto with the children , and Jörn ( and Helen ) and I are going to walk to the bakery ALL BY OURSELVES and buy bread ! Yay ! So for the quick update : " here " is the wonderful guest flat ( apartment to my compatriots ) we had asked to stay in for two or three weeks and actually stayed in for SIX AND A HALF WEEKS ! It was wonderful and we 're very grateful - thank you , thank you , Sue and Richard ! And the reason I 'm " here " at the moment is because we don 't have telephone / internet in our house yet , so I 'm checking e - mail , etc . ( Too much etc . - I 'm sorry I 'm so behind on answering e - mails , but I DO always answer eventually , you know I do , A and M ! ) And yes , our things arrived on Thursday ( yay ! ) and nothing was broken ( yay ! again and a huge thank you to Neema and Judy , who packed most of the dishes ! ) , but we didn 't actually move ourselves in until yesterday . I still haven 't figured out how to put photos on here ( yes , you can tell me what to click , and it should be obvious , but when I 've tried , it hasn 't worked ) , but I 'll get photos onto Facebook at least . Eventually . Don 't hold your breath . Moving progress : our crates arrived in Limassol last Friday and we were able to sign the customs papers here in Larnaca , and today they finally called to say that they 're actually going to deliver our stuff to us TOMORROW ! They 'll call tomorrow to say what time . It 's good that we 're flexible . : - ) And a Katie - funny : as usual , she was in our bed far too early this morning , around 6 : 20 , talking and singing and I - don 't - know - what , as I was still trying to sleep . At 7 : 15 I got up and went to the bathroom . As I walked back into the bedroom , Katie was climbing out of bed and saying to my husband , " I 'm going to Mommy . " She had her back sort of to me , so I dashed around the bed and under the blanket on my husband 's side - - he saw me coming and held the blanket up , then pulled it over my head quickly . I don 't know HOW Katie missed seeing me , but she did , and went out of the room . She came back , leaned on me ( through the blanket ) to talk to Papa , asking where Mommy is . I managed not to giggle out loud , but was shaking holding the laughter in . She said , " What 's that ? ! " and pulled the blanket back and saw me . Then she said , " Oh , Mommy ! There you are ! I thought it was a octo - plus ! " |
On the 24th we celebrated " German Christmas " , as that 's when Germans celebrate normally , and as Peter and Christin were leaving on the 25th in the wee hours . That meant we got to light the candles on the tree a day earlier than usual , as my husband won 't let me light them until we open presents , and as he 's married to a U . S . - ian who thinks it 's silly to open presents after dinner and have hyper children who don 't want to go to bed , we generally celebrate on the 25th . But the few " German presents " didn 't take that long , and the children went to bed fairly happily , still anticipating Christmas morning . They weren 't even that upset about saying goodbye to Peter and Christin , as we 'll see them in Germany in February . Rather than the free - for - all I grew up with , we all take turns taking a gift from under the tree and handing it to the right person . I imagine that " normal " children would choose something that they think is for themselves , but this is one of the times that I 'm glad my children aren 't normal . : - ) I myself am not at all into gift - giving and would rather do away with it all together , but the children have apparently all inherited their father 's main love - language and delight in giving gifts . Katie started , and chose the gift that she had made at preschool ( where , two days a week , I work and she attends ) for us . Then Lukas excitedly chose a gift from himself to one of his siblings , and on it went . The children were always pleasantly surprised and grateful for what they received , but were over - the - moon hyper with excitement about what they gave . Around 10 : 00 the phone rang - - it was Peter . Last week the airport in Frankfurt ( which was where they were flying ) had been closed because of snow , forcing 3000 people to spend the night there , so I said , " So you made it ! Good ! " Peter said , " No , actually we liked Cyprus so much that we decided to stay - - we 're in Ayia Napa ! " I laughed and said that I know that I 'm gullible and tend to believe whatever people tell me , but I wasn 't falling for it this time . I could hear Christin laughing hysterically in the background , and it took awhile , but they finally convinced me that they were , indeed , in a hotel in Ayia Napa . The runway lights weren 't working , so everyone had been taken by bus to a hotel in Ayia Napa , where they had gotten to bed around 3 : 30 and had just finished a big breakfast ! They said that the hotel was nice and the food was good , but it was awful being surrounded by so many " fat tourists " and the " scenery " basically consisted of one hotel after another . They were very glad to have seen a bit more of the " real " Cyprus with us that most tourists ever do . They were going to be taken back to the airport at 11 : 30 , and with a direct flight to Frankfurt , I imagine that they did eventually arrive . I did find an article on - line about the airport closure , but wasn 't able to confirm if they now have the runway lights fixed . I selfishly certainly hope so , as we 're flying at 3 : 00 a . m . in two days ! ! We have a six - hour lay - over in Frankfurt ( after changing planes in Prague ) , so there 's a little bit of lee - way , but as our flights are not connecting ( we booked separate tickets from here to Frankfurt and back , and from Frankfurt to San Francisco and back , which was considerably less expensive that booking all the way from Cyprus to San Francisco ) , I 'm not sure what would happen if we were to miss the other flight - - and I don 't particularly want to find out , either . We were concerned about weather in Prague and Frankfurt , but it never occurred to us to wonder if Larnaca Airport would be open ! ! ! Christmas dinner was scrumptious ( tender , HOT turkey - - not something I 'm used to ! ) and the company was even better . The children behaved fairly decently , for the most part . I love visiting people , but sometimes find my own children 's behavior to be so stressful for me ( even when it 's not even bothering our hosts ) that I can 't always relax as much as I 'd like to . After dinner , chatting , and dessert ( half a dozen different delicious things , for which we didn 't have room , but didn 't let that stop us ! ! ) , we drugged some of the children with a movie , and the adults ( five of us , as Sue and Richard 's son Tim was also there , visiting from England ) and Jacob played Settlers of Catan with the Seafarers extention , which they had received for Christmas . I 'm rather " Settler - ed out " ( and I know we 'll have three more weeks of it in the U . S . . . ) , but as always , the best part is the people . : - ) Children to bed , and we weren 't long in following - - and didn 't get woken up for good this morning until nearly 9 : 00 ! ! ( The previous post is about this morning . . . ) Today we have about 18 YWAM people coming at 2 : 00 for lunch and singing ( oh yeah - - I 'm supposed to be looking for the words to a few songs in various languages . . . ) and exchanging " white elephant " or " monster " gifts . I 'm trying desparately to get clothes washed and dried ( and it started raining about half an hour ago . . . I might actually put the drying rack in my bedroom and turn on the heating , as I 'm running out of other options ) for packing tomorrow afternoon / evening , and then we 're off . And after those next six weeks ( three in the U . S . , which will include a wedding , two anniversaries , three days at Disneyland , three birthdays , and maybe even some time with friends , and then three in Germany , for which we already have over 30 different meetings with people planned . . . ) , we are REALLY going to need a vacation . . . Four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a pre - natal check - up , mostly just because I wanted an ultrasound to have some idea of a due date , not being at all sure . ( When I said I really didn 't know how far I was , the doctor looked down again at my paperwork , listing all eight previous pregnancies , raised his eyebrows , and said something like , " By now you really ought to have some idea . " ) The baby 's head - rump measurement spit out an age of 11 weeks ( well , 9 weeks for the baby , 11 weeks as doctors count ) , due date June 15th , 2010 . Anyway , I was there last time for 2 1 / 2 hours for a total of less than five minutes with the doctor , and as I was leaving , there was a near - riot going on in the waiting area , with dozens of pregnant women yelling at a man in hospital clothes . While I myself had been waiting , women had been comparing their appointment times , and there were several with 9 : 00 , one with 9 : 20 , and several with 9 : 30 . That was after 10 : 00 when they were looking at them - - and I didn 't even have an appointment at all , being told one wasn 't necessary . After several women who had definitely arrived after I had had elbowed their way in , five women ( two English , two Cypriot , and one who spoke neither English nor Greek but agreed with the others that I should definitely be next ) pushed me in the next time the door opened . Quite an experience . Anyway , I 'm glad I was out of there before the riot started , but felt bad for all the others still stuck there . In any case , I let myself be talked into going back today for another check - up , with the idea that if the baby 's size four weeks later still matched that due date , I 'd be reassured of the due date , as I 'd been told that I 'd have another ultrasound . Also , I know someone whose twins were NOT seen at 12 weeks , so it was good to confirm today that there IS only one baby ! But the doctor didn 't take any measurements today , just checked the heartbeat , then as he turned off the ultrasound machine said , " How many sons and daughters do you have ? " I told him , and then he said , " Well , it looks like you might have - - " and I quickly interrupted him and said " Don 't tell me ! I don 't want to know ! " He was rather surprised at that , and then said that he wasn 't really sure , anyway , but IF I go back at all , I 'll be sure to mention BEFORE they start that I don 't want to know the baby 's gender ! But I really , really don 't want to go back . I had been given " the first appointment " , at 7 : 30 this morning . I was indeed the first person there - - the doctor and an assistant didn 't arrive until 8 : 20 . But shortly after I arrived , other pregnant women started arriving . That 's where the language practice came in , because happily , the first one to arrive spoke very little English , in fact , not more than I speak Greek . So although I 'd officially learned how to tell time in Greek on paper , I could never remember it , but now I can . : - ) It 's her first baby and she 's in the ninth month , and she had an appointment for 8 : 00 . The next woman to arrive didn 't sit down with us , but went and stood right at the door to the room where they take blood pressure and weight . The one after that was another Cypriot who spoke little English , then a Muslim woman arrived , then another who didn 't talk , and then a Nigerian who spoke no Greek at all , but English , and had her six - month - old son with her . By 8 : 15 there were 10 of us , and then at 8 : 20 the assistant went into her office , and lady number 3 had pushed her way into the room before anyone else could react . However , the rest of us ( those who were sitting - - there are only six chairs - - as well as the others standing around ) quickly moved over to the door , leaving most of the chairs empty - - one was still occupied by a father . When the door opened , two women tried to push in front of me but I managed to slip in . My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed ( just like last time , the doctor 's scale gives me four more kilos that my scale - - I like my scale MUCH better ! ! ) , was scolded for not having had an amniocentesis ( I 'd declined four weeks ago , which the doctor hadn 't had a problem with ) , was handed my file , and got to go wait in the hallway again to get into the doctor 's office . Arrival number 4 was the third one into the assistant 's office , arrival number 2 was the fourth one in , I didn 't pay attention after that , as I was enjoying chatting with the English woman I had met four weeks ago . WhWhen I got home , I called the three phone numbers I 'd been given ( by a lady who now lives in the U . K . , but whose homebirth story I 'd found by googling " homebirth Cyprus " , as she had her baby at home in Cyprus two years ago ) of a doula and two midwives who are reputed to attend homebirths . I left a message with one midwife 's voicemail and there weren 't any answers from the other two , but the doula called me back almost immediately . She 's leaving on vacation tomorrow , but we 're going to talk again in February , and she sounded quite encouraging . Efficiency doesn 't happen to be one , either , but we did get a temporary reprieve at Immigration today . No real progress , but the good news is that I 'll be able to leave Cyprus in two weeks without being given the third degree about why I 've been here longer than my three - month tourist visa allowed , and I 'll be able to re - enter once , by the 15th of February . ( We get back the 12th . ) The first person he talked to didn 't think that what he was saying made any sense , but finally told him to go to " Block 7 " - - the complex apparently has something like 9 buildings - - which is where they deal with non - European foreigners . So Jörn went there and found it was closed . He got in a side entrance and was told that really , they 're closed until January , as they 're in the process of moving . ( The only surprising part is that this is practically the first place in Nikosia that we 've been to that had not YET moved from the address we were given . . . ) No , of course they won 't give letters saying that my application is in process - - who told him so ? Does he have a copy of the application ? Good , because as they 're in the process of moving , they don 't know where anything is . ( See , this is why we always take EVERYTHING , not just what they say they 'll need . . . ) The friendly lady made a copy , talked with her boss , and came back and said no problem , they can issue me with a one - time , re - entry visa . Where are the stamps , please ? My husband asked what stamps , and was told that he needs " revenue stamps from the post office , worth € 10 . 27 . " So then Jörn asked where the post office was , and the lady said that she had just explained it to this other applicant , in Greek , who was standing next to Jörn , so Jörn could just give her the money and she could get the stamps for both of them . Jörn politely declined handing over the money , but did walk out to the parking lot with the lady and asked her where the post office was . She said she had no idea , somewhere near the Presidential Palace , but she didn 't know where that was . Jörn did know , however , so was able to tell her , and then they drove off in their separate cars . However , I still don 't have a yellow slip ( the registration paper , giving me permission to live here indefinitely ) , and the lady seemed to think it amusing that Jörn even asked her when that might happen . She told him to come back when we get back to Cyprus in February - - at their new premises in the Old General Hospital . At least I do know where the Old General Hospital is , as I had to find that in order to find the Ministry of Health , and I imagine that we can count on Immigration not moving AGAIN before we can get there , so that 's good . . . I should have posted an update before , but there unfortunately wasn 't ever any exciting news . My husband went to Nikosia ( as he is the European , and as men tend to receive a bit more respect here , we thought it made more sense for him to go than for me to . . . ) on the day they said that my registration should be ready , and they went through the entire rigmarole again : " We need such and such paper . " " You have such and such paper . Right there . " " Oh , okay . Then we need to make another copy . " Etc . I don 't remember all the details anymore , but very frustrating . The only interesting part was that the head of the department heard Jörn speaking German with the children ( he had two or three with him ) and was intrigued : it turned out that this man had lived in Bochum for 12 years , very close to where we used to live . So they spoke German with each other and the man promised to be on the case and gave Jörn his extension number and told him to call the following week . The following week Jörn called several dozen times , eventually reached him and was told that my registration was ready , but that he didn 't know where it was at the moment , so please call back in an hour . Jörn called back in an hour , dialing many , many times . ( He didn 't count . ) Then he started making lunch and handed the phone to me , and I tried over 30 times . No answer . We kept trying in the next few days , including ( at the suggestion of several other people ) trying from other phone numbers , in case they had blocked our number . No success . In the meantime , I had really hoped to go to Germany for the first week of December for a conference about families on the mission field . I was going to take Helen and my friend Sue , whom Helen is crazy about , to take care of Helen . I 'd hoped to leave on a Friday ( the conferenced started the following Tuesday ) , but on Thursday , still having no news , we found flights for Monday morning ( well , middle of the night , to be exact . . . ) instead , but still didn 't book . On Monday Sue let me know that if by some miracle my registrationPosted by Today was much more frustrating than yesterday , although much shorter . We left at 9 : 45 , got photocopies made of the paperwork from yesterday , and were at immigration by just past 10 : 00 . Marie , Lukas , and Katie stayed outside on the rocks under the trees and Helen and I waited in the hallway , where an old man gave me a seat , then a younger woman gave the old man a seat , and everyone was very friendly and talking with Helen . After about half an hour , it was my turn . The lady at the reception desk said that Mrs . Maria is not there and won 't be back until December 1st , please come back in December . I said that they must have the file , though - - could somebody else help me , please ? She sighed , called a colleague , and I got to go into an inner office . At this point , Helen started fussing , refused to nurse , didn 't want to play with anything , and eventually started screaming . She has a very loud , piercing scream . While she was screaming and I was trying to talk with the lady , Katie came in , took her shoes off , and started to roll around on the floor , and when I told her to put her shoes on and stand up , she had a temper tantrum . I sat her on a chair , not particularly gently , and kept trying to talk with the lady who didn 't feel particularly responsible for me . She first tried to tell me that I need to apply for a yellow slip . I explained that we had applied in JANUARY , that we had been there FOUR times already . She finally looked for - - and found - - our file , and said that I need medical insurance for my " babies " . ( The Greek word that actually means " baby " is used for children of all ages , and Greek - speakers , even those quite fluent in English , tend to use the word " baby " in English , rather than child . Lukas and Katie do NOT like it when they say that to them , but I digress . ) I said , " Yes , I have the E106 here , and the Cypriot medical card . " She wasn 't the slightest bit interested in the E106 , but took the medical card off to photocopy . Then she came back again ( Helen was still screaming , by the way , but Katie had gone back outside to Marie and Lukas ) and said , " Now we can send your application to Nikosia . " I said , " My application has already been SENT to Nikosia , and returned to you here . Mrs . Maria called me and said that I only need to provide proof of medical insurance for the children , then I can be given the yellow slip . " She said no , since I 'm American , my paperwork all has to be done in Nikosia , they can 't do anything here in Larnaka . However , the lady who is doing Mrs . Maria 's work at the moment will be in on Monday , so I can come again on Monday as of 7 : 30 , if I want . But everything will HAVE to be sent to Nikosia , and they now have everything required , so there 's really no reason for me to come back in on Monday . I asked how long it will take ( as last time we were at this point , they said up to five months ) , and she said one week . With Helen still screaming , I finally said okay , and left . I got all the children in the car , Helen finally nursed and calmed down , and then I left all the children in the car and went back in . ( I ignored lines and simply walked into the inner office . ) I asked if it would be possible for ME to go to Nikosia , and she said yes , of course , and gave me a slip of paper with the address . Not having much faith in addresses in the meantime ( not to mention that there is no place to look up addresses in Cyprus . . . ) , I asked her if she could show me on the map where the immigration office in Nikosia is . She said yes , of course , and she and another colleague spent a very long time looking and my map and pointing out streets that they knew and having some long discussion of which I basically only understood the prepositions and conjuctions ( while useful bits of speech , they don 't help much in following a conversation ) , and finally told me no , they couldn 't . I asked if they could then give me my paperwork , please , so that I could take it to Nikosia , and they said no , they will send it , that they have to send it to the police there . This made NO sense to me , I explained again that Mrs . Maria had said that everything is done , they were just waiting for the children 's medical insurance , but she wasn 't particularly interested . I explained that I hope to go to Germany at the beginning of December ( oh yeah - - that 's another story , except that there really isn 't one yet , since without the yellow slip , I can 't go ) and that I 'm running out of time , and she said again , " One week . " I went back and sat in the car for a long time , with my head on the steering wheel , ignoring the children 's fussing , etc . , then finally left , and was home again by 11 : 15 . Jörn called around 12 : 00 and I told him the story , and he 's going to go in Monday morning at 7 : 30 . But at that point , my paperwork will probably all have been sent to Nikosia anyway . I 'm just remembering that I never finished the passport saga , so I suppose I should finish that first . We borrowed a friend 's car so Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics and I could go to Nikosia on a Thursday afternoon . I tried somewhere around a dozen times to telephone to confirm that that was really okay , but there was never any answer . Just before leaving town , though , I tried one more time and got an answer - - the first lady told me yes , of course , no problem , but she 'd just check if her colleague was in that day . Her colleague was in and said no , of course I couldn 't renew my passport in the afternoon - - only in the morning . So much for that afternoon , although I then did go get new passport photos - - at a different place , one Euro less , and four photos instead of two , but with my typical " Yuck - - I hate having my photo taken " face . Anyway , I went the following Monday morning leaving home at 6 : 30 . I of course hit rush hour in Nikosia , so didn 't get to the embassy until nearly 8 : 00 , and it was about two hours until I was through , but there were no problems , and three days later I got an e - mail telling me my passport was ready to be picked up . The trip to pick it up was totally uneventful - - I even left absolutely everything except my car keys and my old passport in the car , to make security easy . ( But they had cubbies for purses and such - - I 'd had to leave the diaper bag there the first time , although when I then said out loud to Helen , " Okay , Helen , no pooping , " they did let me take out one diaper and the wipes to take in with me . . . ) First of all , Cyprus is part of the European Union . Jörn and the children are Europeans , and I 'm not only married to a European , I have permanent German residency status . Therefore , it should be a very straightforward matter to register our family here in Cyprus . Within a week or two of arriving , Jörn went to the immigration office and got , in writing , a list of what we needed to have in order to register . In June we all showed up for the appointment , and after waiting outside for a long time , they called Jörn in , but looked confused about why he had bothered to bring along his wife and five children , and asked us to wait outside . So we waited outside in the parking lot in the June heat of Cyprus while Jörn was inside the air - conditioned building . ( There were trees , at least , but no seats . ) They changed their mind about certain requirements and asked us to return in July . In July we all went again , and this time , although most of the meeting was with Jörn alone while we again waited in the parking lot ( but this time I had brought water and snacks , at least ) , they did call us in at the end to check each face against the passports . Jörn and the children were all granted " yellow slips " ( not quite residence permits , but the idea is basically the same - - legal permission to be here ) , but the evil American was told that her paperwork had to be sent to Nikosia . They said that it could take up to five months , which would be the end of December , and that if it did indeed take that long , they could no longer give me a yellow slip , as my passport was due to expire June 11th , 2010 , and had to be valid for at least six months past date of issue of the yellow slip - - in other words , if they took until after December 11th to approve me , then I would no longer be approved . That was one reason I had to get a new passport . ( I needed a new one anyway because it was questionable as to whether , when we return to Cyprus next February , they would let me in with a passport only valid for another four months . Some people said three months is fine , but we 've heard so much conflicting information for so many countries that it 's better not to risk it . ) Then at some point , the immigration office here in Larnaka called and said that they had everything back from Nikosia , and that Larnaka was in trouble with Nikosia for having granted the children yellow slips , as they had " no proof of health insurance . " Of course , now it was too late , as they HAD given the children yellow slips , however , ever since then , they 've been holding MY yellow slip hostage until we provide sufficient proof of health insurance for the children . ( The fact that we have USED this health insurance for four of the children , multiple times and twice at the emergency room , in the 10 months we have been here , is irrelevant . ) I have completely lost track of how many phone calls Jörn has made to Germany and to various offices in Larnaka , and he 's visited four or five different offices here , as well , as he 's been told at each one that a different one is responsible . We eventually obtained the required E106 form from our health insurance in Germany , which states that Jörn Lange , his wife Sheila Lange , and " all members of his household " are covered by complete health insurance . This form is of course in German , but it 's a fill - in - the - blank form , with numbered blanks , and the idea is that these " E " forms ( " E " for European - - for members of the European Union ) are universal . Here in Cyprus , they need only look at a blank form in Greek and see that if box so - and - so is checked on the German form , that means such - and - such . Germany cannot provide us with a form in Greek ( or English or any other language ) - - only in German . That 's the whole point of the E - forms . However , despite requiring it of us , nobody in Cyprus has the E106 . Jörn took Jacob with him today to the worship seminar YWAM is running this week , and at a little past 9 : 00 I headed to Nikosia with the other four children . Just before 10 : 00 , despite one missed turn , we arrived easily at the address given to us by the German embassy and marked clearly on the brand - new map we have of Nikosia as " The Ministry of Health . " I 'd enjoyed the slight detour , too , as we saw part of the amazing wall in the center of Nikosia , and I was thinking about how , if the meeting went quickly , we could go to the park at the wall , and maybe I 'd phone up my friend Jane and ask if we could come hang out for awhile ( she lives very close to there ) , or maybe I should just head back to Larnaka and get to immigration before they close at 11 : 30 , or maybe we 'd go to Ikea and I 'd get another spice rack for my miniature books , or maybe we 'd look for a decent - sized bookstore , or . . . well , there were many possibilities ! Pulling up to the building , though , I thought it looked rather deserted , except for the Pizza Hut take - away and the pharmacy on the ground floor , and I thought it was odd that there was no sign of any kind around what appeared to be the main entrance . And parking was very easy - - plenty of space in the parking lot behind the building . Well , the very nice lady in the pharmacy told me that the Ministry of Health had moved two years ago , and that it was " verry , verry farr away . " She thought it was behind the old general hospital , but she couldn 't tell me how to get there , either , and it wasn 't even on my map , although she could show me the general vicinity , but again emphasized that it was very far away . I pointed out that I had come from Larnaka and it wasn 't as far as that , and I had to go there one way or another , and loaded the children back in the car . The " other side of town " is starting to look quite familiar - - that 's where the German and U . S . embassies are - - so I figured I 'd head over there and probably see a sign for the " Old General Hospital " , or at least be able to ask at a gas station or someplace . I didn 't see any signs , and Helen was starting to get very upset about being in the car for so long . Traffic was much heavier , I was being distracted by Helen , and I got rather mixed up . I never did find where I was on the map , but by the sun eventually managed to get to the west side of the city and passed by the Presidential palace twice before I finally found a place to park and nurse Helen . I then went into an office supply store , where several of the staff as well as several of the customers were very friendly and helpful , and then finally one staff person who spoke excellent English even drew me a map - - to the Old General Hospital , anyway , as she had no idea where the Ministry of Health might be . The lady at the front desk answered , " This is not the Ministry of Health . This is the Old General Hospital . " I said " I know , but I was told that the Ministry of Health is very close . " She told me to go out the back doors and then I would see the black building . Then I confused her by turning around and walking out the front door , but when I came back in a minute later with four children ( and my purse and the bag full of paperwork . . . ) she nodded . We walked down the very long corridor in the obviously VERY old hospital , went out the creaky back doors , and found ourselves on the sidewalk , with no black building in sight . We walked for awhile , and then saw a modern building on the other side of the street that maybe could be considered black ( it was all dark , reflective windows ) , but there was no sign in English on it . I carefully studied the Greek , but except for " Nikosia " ( Lefkosia , actually , in Greek ) , several prepositions , and the address ( " between the rivers " , although more accurate would be " between the mostly dry sometimes trickles of water " ) , I didn 't understand any of it . I should have at least found out what " Ministry of Health " is in Greek , but I hadn 't . Anyway , we did walk on a bit , but not seeing anything else that looked promising , we went back and went inside . There were several posters of health - related activities ( brusthing teeth , washing hands , etc . ) hanging up , so it looked promising . By the time it was my turn at the front desk , it was nearly 12 : 00 . The lady there told me to see " Mrs . Marta , inside " , and vaguely waved her hand behind her . There was a short hallway and three or four doors , all of them open , but none of them had the name " Marta " on them . I put my head inside one where there seemed to be a lot of activity and asked ( in Greek , this time ) where Mrs . Marta was , and the lady there waved vaguely and said ( in Greek , at least ! ) , " Inside . " I went in the direction I thought maybe she had pointed , but that lady wasn 't Mrs . Marta either - - it turned out that she was at the back of the first office into which I had looked - - inside . Mrs . Marta didn 't speak the most fluent English , but it was certainly hundreds of times better than my Greek , and I tried to explain the situation . All I wanted her to do was to write the children 's names on the E106 and put a stamp on it . She told me she needed our alien registration numbers , and I explained that that was the problem : I do not have one yet , and I 'm trying to get one , and that 's why I need this form filled out ! She kept explaining that I couldn 't have a medical card until I had an alien registration , and to please go to immigration and get registered , then she could give me a medical card . I told her that I don 't want a medical card , and that I can 't register until I have this form . I even told her in Greek that my husband and children are German , but I am from the United States , and that 's why I have a problem . Mrs . Marta finally called Mrs . Emily upstairs ( in Cyprus , people are generally all called " Mrs . " or " Mr . " and their first name ) , and then handed the phone to me so I could explain this to Mrs . Emily . Mrs . Emily spoke excellent English , but could not understand why I needed this . I sympathized - - in fact , I 've been told by other people that there is no law requiring anyone to even have health insurance , so nobody understands why the immigration office is requiring this of us . However , the immigration office is refusing to register me without this , so it 's not like I have a lot of choice . I talked with Mrs . Marta again , and she called Mrs . Emily again , and then Mrs . Emily came downstairs to see my paperwork and talk with me personally . By this time the children were getting rather ansty , and although I did quiet them , I apologized to Mrs . Marta and explained that they 'd been in the car for nearly three hours and it was hard sitting for so long . ( Actually , the car was only about 2 1 / 2 hours , but we 'd also waited for awhile . ) She raised her eyebrows and said , " From Larnaka ? " and I explained that we 'd first gone to where the Ministry of Health used to be , but a lady at the pharmacy there had told me that it had moved two years ago , and I had had a lot of trouble finding the new place . She said , " No , not two years ago - - very recently ! " I asked when , and she just said again , " Very recently , not two years ! " Mrs . Emily appeared to mostly understand , and said that they 'd be happy to put the children on the form and issue a medical card for my husband and children , but that they couldn 't issue one for me , because I didn 't have an alien registration number . Nobody cared at all that we have European health cards which we can already use at any hospital and that I don 't WANT a Cypriot medical card , but I finally said that was fine . She took the paperwork with her and asked me to wait . I did not cry . I am very proud of myself . I explained again , very , very slowly , " This form was issued by my German health insurance to show that I have health insurance from Germany . I do not NEED a Cypriot medical card , I need to get the yellow slip ! If they don 't believe that I have health insurance , they will not register me . This form was from Germany . This form was proof that I have health insurance . I do have health insurance . You should not have crossed out my name . " Mrs . Marta called Mrs . Emily again , I talked with her for awhile . They apologized . In the meantime , my name is crossed out , in ink , which makes it look as though I do not have health insurance . I wrote down Mrs . Emily 's name and phone number , and she said that the immigration office should telephone her if they have a problem . I guess I 'll find out tomorrow morning if that works . We finally got back to the car and left the parking lot at 1 : 10 , four hours after leaving home . No park , no visiting Jane , no Ikea , and likely no lunch , either , if Lukas was to get to gymnastics by 2 : 30 , especially as it was now the middle of the lunch rush hour . ( Most Cypriots go home for lunch and many stores close for a couple of hours in the middle of the day . ) At 1 : 40 I pulled up to a Zorpas bakery and bought too - soft bread ( didn 't get our favorite bread , because that would have needed slicing which would have taken longer ) and expensive cheese , which Marie made into sandwiches and handed out as I kept driving . We made it to gymnastics with 10 minutes to spare , I let Lukas out , and we came home and I started typing this . At 3 : 30 I picked up Lukas again , and now it 's 4 : 45 and Lukas and Katie are playing outside and Marie is doing math . A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that she 'd read a post at my other blog that she thought I 'd accidentally put there instead of here , but I didn 't get around to checking it until just now . She was right , so I 've copied and posted it here . I 'm not sure if it will go in the right order or not , as I 'm certainly not going to try anything fancy , just claim the original date and time , which was October 22nd at 10 : 55 p . m . Incidentally , I 've since figured out just why I was SO tired , although I really should have been completely recovered from the flu by that time . Much to our happy surprise , we 're expecting a baby next June ! : - ) ( And the first trip to the doctor - - two and a half hours , about three minutes of which were with the doctor - - ought to be another post , but not today . ) We have three computers ( well , one isn 't ours , but is more - or - less on permanent loan ) , all of which have different quirks . The main problem with this one is that it has a tendency to be near - dying - - WHEN it 's working , it 's definitely the best of the three . It 's the only one that lets me type easily , so I 'm taking advantage of it working to try to update . Passport : after the futile trip to Nikosia on Columbus Day , I chose the next sort - of available time , Thursday afternoon . We borrowed a friend 's car so that Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics , and at 2 : 00 I left in our car , with Katie and Helen , first taking a friend home . I 'd tried quite a few times to call the embassy to confirm the hours , but the recording between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . kept telling me to call between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . However , just after dropping off my friend , I pulled over and tried one more time , as I still needed new photos , and if they couldn 't tell me where to get them near the embassy , I preferred to try to get them in Larnaka . I actually talked to a HUMAN ! ! A very nice human , too , who said that of course I could come that afternoon to renew my passport , no problem - - oh , but maybe she should just check if the lady who does that was in . She connected me to someone else , who informed me that under no circumstances could I renew my passport outside of the hours 7 : 30 to 11 : 00 ( which is , actually , what the website said . ) So . . . I looked for another place to get passport photos taken ( being embarrassed to go to the same place as the week before . . . ) and found a parking space directly in front of a place that gave me FOUR photos ( instead of two ) for SEVEN Euros ( instead of eight . ) As expected , I look annoyed and wanting to get out of there in the photo . Oh well . Monday this week I left at 6 : 30 a . m . , with only Helen , and arrived at the embassy at 7 : 45 , and parked only about a five - minutes ' walk away . ( A friend came to babysit the other four children as of 8 : 30 , and another friend picked up Jörn at 8 : 40 for work . ) I had to go through three separate security checks , and at the second one they told me I couldn 't take anything except my papers , so I said ( out loud ) to Helen , " Okay Helen , no being hungry or pooping . " They ended up letting me take the wipes and a diaper after all , which they put in a page protector along with my wallet , but not the crackers . It 's a good thing Helen is very happy with mama - milk , because that 's all I was allowed to take in . The rest was put in a cubby , no problem . ( A friend of mine renewed her daughter 's passport in Frankfurt , Germany , a couple of weeks ago , and had to walk several blocks to a kiosk that does businesss taking a lot of money to hold cell phones of people going to the U . S . consulate - - no cubbies there ! ) When I got home , I was falling asleep while talking with the friend who had been babysitting , and she talked me into taking a nap . I DO NOT NAP . But I agreed to go lie down . I started to drift off almost immediately , at which point Marie came to tell me she had found something , then Jacob came to ask a question , and then Katie brought me my cell phone , as Jörn was calling . And then I actually went to sleep and slept an hour and a half . Tuesday I went to Tots in the morning , which despite having something like 20 children , is considerably more restful than my own five at home . Katie and Helen mostly bee - bop around doing their own thing - - I occasionally have to rescue some child 's hair from Helen , and I did play peekaboo with Helen in the playhouse for awhile , and she fell off of her chair during snack time , but nothing dramatic . Then we took Sue home and visited with her for a bit , but it got exhausting chasing Helen and telling Katie to keep her feet off of the furniture , etc . , so we were home in plenty of time for lunch . In the afternoon I let Marie stay home ( Jörn was out ) while I took Lukas to gymnastics , but I spent so much of the time trying to keep Helen and Katie off of the mats ( Jacob helped by chasing Helen a few times while I was dealing with Katie ) that I didn 't get to watch Lukas much or listen to the Greek . Tuesday evening we had a prayer meeting here , but only until about 10 : 00 . ( Oh , and I translated and proofread some things for a friend , but it wasn 't much . ) Wednesday I worked at the YWAM preschool - - oh yeah , kind of a major thing that I haven 't managed to mention here on the HOMESCHOOLBLOGGER blog , but as of last week , I 'm working Wednesdays and Fridays in a preschool . ( Those are the only two days that it happens . . . ) I take Katie and Helen , and there are two other preschool children , as well as the 6 - year - old daughter of the leader . I was VERY apprehensive about it all , but it 's working out well , and it 's so peaceful there . The three older children are at home with Jörn - - Wednesdays his regular meeting happens here at home ( the children have lists of independent and cooperative , non - parent - needed , work to do , and instructions to interrupt only if there 's blood , which there was this Wednesday , but not too serious ) , and Friday is Jörn 's morning off . Wednesday afternoon we went to Sue 's house to watch Swallows and Amazons - - the children had actually started watching it Sunday evening on the " new laptop " ( the one that we bought new just over a year ago , which has Vista , which we really , really can 't stand ) , but about 15 minutes into it it started getting funny and then quit altogether , and our permanently - borrowed computer doesn 't have a DVD player , and the " old laptop " ( the one I 'm using at the moment , bought used on E - bay 3 1 / 2 years ago and excellent in every way except for it 's tendency to need repairs that would cost thousands of Euros if we didn 't have friends who have done it for us for free twice in the last month . . . ) wasn 't working . Actually , by Wednesday it had been repaired again , but we 'd already arranged to go to Sue 's , and the children were REALLY excited about that . A much bigger screen and actual sound weren 't too bad , either . : - ) Shortly before we were going to leave there , we found out that the couple who was supposed to come to dinner at our house wasn 't coming after all , so we invited Sue and Richard to dinner . After dinner we played Settlers of Catan with them AND with Marie and Jacob ( who have been begging to play with Sue and Richard for ages ) , with Lukas , Katie , and Helen all trying to help . It was fun . I think . It was pretty loud , so kind of hard to tell . Then the children went to bed and we played a nice peaceful game . Today . . . Jacob complained that he got woken up by my shouting ( at Lukas , who had just dropped a rock about the size of Katie 's head within about two centimeters OF Katie 's head . . . ) , but I refused to apologize when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10 : 00 . Other than that , the day wasn 't too hectic . I took Lukas to gymnastics - - this time Jacob stayed home , and Marie and Katie watched , and I stayed in the car with Helen , who had just fallen asleep , and sorted photos on the laptop . Then a friend dropped off two of her children while taking another one of them to the doctor ( and she had her baby with her , too ) , so another couple of peaceful hours , because of course the children all went off to play . After the doctor 's appointment , they came back here for dinner , which was very nice , although a bit loud . But not as loud with nine children as it had been last night with only our five . . . I don 't get it . Our plan today was to go to the U . S . embassy in Nikosia to apply for a new passport for me ( according to the website , only open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 11 : 00 a . m . ) , and then to Ikea for a growing list of " needed " items . One potential item was some sort of brainstormed idea for a hamster cage , cheaper ( or at least bigger and nicer ) than the only hamster cage at the pet store we visited last week , so on the way to Nikosia , we stopped at another pet store in case they had more acceptable hamster cages . We also had something to pick up at the post office , so not knowing if it might be something big , we thought it would be better to drive there than to walk . Then we went to the post office . As one street was blocked off , we turned into another and I jumped out and walked to the post office . It was only an envelope , but it had come open , so I had to sign for it . ( It was the invitation to my host sister 's wedding in Costa Rica , which is of course cool , but as we can 't go , it made me sad . . . ) Then when I walked back to where I thought the car was . . . it wasn 't there . I walked back to the post office and retraced my steps , totally confused , wondering how I was ever going to figure out where we were parked , since I had obviously gotten it wrong . I wondered around several blocks , and as I returned the third or fourth time to where I thought the car had been , Jörn came driving around the corner . That WAS where he had been , but he 'd had to move , because someone parked ( and left ) their car just opposite ours , in the narrow one - way street , so nobody could get by . Because of all the one - way streets and several of them closed because of construction , it took him quite awhile to get back - - he couldn 't just drive around the block . Already running rather late , we finally headed out of town , with Helen screaming . We sang all of her favorite songs and a few others , and I finally said that it didn 't matter whether we made it to the embassy , but we HAD to stop . So we stopped , filled Helen up with mama - milk , and then kept going . I suppose there were speed - limit signs on the freeway , but I didn 't get the impression that my husband paid any attention to them . For that matter , nobody else did , either - - we were being passed more often than not . We found easily enough the place labled on the map as " U . S . Embassy " , arriving at 10 : 55 a . m . Rather than try to find someplace to park , I jumped out of the car while Jörn waited , to ask if this WAS the embassy ( there was plenty of barbed wire and several soldiers on duty , but it seemed rather strange that there was a Cypriot flag and a Greek flag , but no U . S . flag . . . ) , and if I could still get in 5 minutes before closing time . Well , it wasn 't - - it was a Cypriot army base , and has been for a very long time . They could tell me that the U . S . embassy was somewhere completely different , but not how to get there . So although now it was obviously too late , we thought we 'd at least head for the other side of town , near the presidential palace and the German embassy , to see if we could find the U . S . embassy to be able to get there more easily another day . We actually found it very easily - - it had a huge flag , flying high , which my husband spotted from the next street . ( And my German - born children started singing " The Star - Spangled Banner " when they saw it , which despite my 19 years outside of the U . S . and my general lack of patriotism , I thought was pretty cool ! ) Again , my husband stopped the car and I jumped out to ask the lady on duty if there was any chance that the website was wrong and I could still get in , although it was 11 : 15 . Well , the website was wrong : for U . S . citizens , the embassy is open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 4 : 00 p . m . , every day except for Cypriot and U . S . holidays . Today happens to be a U . S . holiday . I thought about it for a moment and said , " Oh . . . Columbus Day ? " but the lady didn 't know - - she 's from Romania and has lived in Cyprus for 20 years . This happens to be my 20th October outside of the U . S . ( making it more than half of my Octobers , as this is my 39th October . . . ) , the 19th consecutive one , so I 'm not too up on U . S . holidays . Back in the car , and we went to Ikea . We did find some of the stuff on our list , and some that wasn 't , but several things that were on our list were not to be found . That 's fairly typical of a trip to Ikea , so I suppose not so bad . And I 'll be going to Nikosia again at least twice in the relatively near future - - once to apply for my passport and once to pick it up - - so I can stop by Ikea again . When we got home , I wanted to put the passport application and all of our passports away , and couldn 't find the photos that I had taken last week . They were nowhere to be found - - not in my bag , not in the car . I even looked through all of the pages of all six passports ( Jörn had his own in his own bag - - I only had the children 's and mine ) and the three books in my bag , and finally cleaned out the car . I had everything on my lap between the not - embassy and the actual embassy , and my suspicion is that when I picked up my passport , wallet , and passport application to jump out of the car the second time , I missed the photos , so they fell off my lap ( and out of the car ) as I got out , and are now on the ground across the street from the U . S . embassy . I HATE having my photo taken , and it was actually the best passport photo I 'd ever gotten ( depsite the huge pimple on my chin ) , because Jacob was with me and made me laugh right before the photo was taken . Now I 'm feeling sulky ( because of the cost and the fact of another photo at all ) and have to go get more expensive stupid - sized photos taken , so it will be a much more typical photo that I 'll be stuck with for the next 10 years . ( The U . S . requires 5 cm by 5 cm - - and then CUTS THEM DOWN TO THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS EUROPEAN PASSPORT PHOTOS ! ! ! ! So I always have to pay extra for the weird size and only get two photos instead of four . For a short time ( I think Marie 's second passport and Lukas 's first , in the summer of 2002 ) , they did accept European passport photos , but mostly I 've had to get the U . S . - size ones - - that 's 11 passports just in the last 12 years , and two more are due for renewals next year . ) Jacob hasn 't liked sleeping in a bed since he was about four or five - - he 's mostly slept on the floor . For the last six months or so , Lukas has also been sleeping on the floor more often than not . Last week the boys cleaned their room completely , then put colored tape on the floor to define " Jacob 's " , " Lukas 's " , and " shared " areas of the room . In the process , Lukas gave me several blankets to put away , as he decided ( at the end of September , after four months of Cypriot summer . . . ) that it was really too warm for so many blankets . Last night he asked me to give him some blankets , as the floor was too hard . I said , " Well , you COULD sleep on the mattress , you know ! " His eyes lit up and he said , " That 's a good idea ! I can put the mattress on the floor under the bed , then when I throw toys on the bed , they won 't bounce ! ! " So now Lukas has his mattress on the floor under his bed . The same bed we brought to Cyprus because Lukas was so heartbroken at the thought of leaving it behind - - it was the only children 's bed we brought . He 's slept in it maybe three times since we came . But at least he has a good place to keep toys without them bouncing . What I haven 't figured out yet is why we bought Jacob a bed when we got here . He didn 't want one , and didn 't want to lose that space in his room , but I thought he should have one . Maybe for the same reason my parents insisted on getting me a bed ( a futon , actually ) when I gave my bed to my little sister when she was big enough for a bed , since I preferred sleeping on the floor anyway and didn 't want a bed taking space up in my room . Not that I know what that reason was , nor do I know why I preferred sleeping on the floor myself . . . When we moved to Cyprus in January this year , the only bicycle we brought was Lukas 's . It 's a very sturdy beginning bicycle that I bought used for Marie nearly eight years ago , and Marie , Jacob , and Lukas all learned to ride on it . ( Well , actually Lukas learned to ride on a friend 's bike , but perfected his technique with this one . ) Marie 's and Jacob 's bicycles were both falling apart and I ran out of time to pack mine and left it with a friend , thinking maybe to bring it out to Cyprus some time in the future , Jörn doesn 't ride a bike , and Katie and Helen don 't , either . I also brought the bike trailer . I bought the bike trailer when Marie was three months old and used it ( in December , in Germany , no less ! ) quite a lot for about a month . Then we moved so that my husband 's great - aunt could come to live with us . The combined facts of having the bicycle and trailer in a very hard - to - get - to place in the cellar , and not wanting to be gone for longer than necessary from the great - aunt , meant that I didn 't use the trailer again until about three years later , with both Marie and Jacob , and used it all of once , I think . ( Maybe twice ? ) Then we moved again and it was much easier to get the bike and trailer out , so I used it once to go to playgroup , was concerned about how horribly dizzy I got , then found out I was pregnant with Lukas . Oh , and the last seven and a half years in Germany , we lived at the top of a very long , very steep street . That meant that going anywhere was easy , coming home was a pain . So between weather , pregnancies , great public transportation , being out of the country , and laziness . . . well , I used the trailer maybe half a dozen times in all those years . But I still like the IDEA very much , and where we live in Cyprus is much flatter ! But a bike trailer without a bike isn 't much use , so a month or two after arriving , we bought a ( very ) used bicycle for me , which turned out to need new tires ( which I didn 't get ) , and a bike for Jacob , which is great - - especially as it was only 10 Euros . Then a couple of months ago we finally got bikes for Marie and for me . We rode them home , and parked them - - it was WAY too hot for me to be willing to go bike - riding ! This afternoon , though , I realized that the weather is finally perfect , so pumped up the tires of the bike trailer , put Katie and Helen in it , and the boys and I went for a short , but glorious , bike ride along the salt lake . ( Which , incidentally , had quite a lot of water in it for several days last week , and still has a little bit ! ) Helen looked confused and curious as I buckled her in , but within about five seconds of starting , she was humming to hear the funny sound that makes going over bumps . : - ) She absolutely loved it . I had a hard time keeping up with the boys , but blamed it on the 35 or so kilos I was pulling , not on the mumble - mumble kilos on my saddle . Yes , there are about four months of the year that it 's too hot for ME to be willing to ride a bike ( the boys were riding all summer long ) , but the public transportation here is between bad and non - existant , and we only have one car , and it 's basically flat all around here , and it doesn 't rain much , sooooo . . . I hope that today 's bike ride doesn 't stay the only one this year ! For that matter , I would like to go for another , longer , ride with all the children tomorrow , and on Tuesday might even use the bikes " for real " , rather than walking to playgroup . The traffic conditions are a bit scary , so I 'm not sure about that yet . We 'll have to see how the " practice " goes tomorrow , especially with Lukas . Nobody is supposed to ride on the sidewalk , not even children , but the worst stretch traffic - wise has a really wide sidewalk , and when we walked to playgroup last week there were hardly any people there , so I 'm thinking we might just ride on the sidewalk and see what happens . To start with , we 've just had a somewhat . . . challenging . . . three weeks with a visitor , so I started off the evening last night tired . I do know that I 've gotten better and better at packing over the years , all the same , it puzzled me how it could take a single guy about 4 times longer to pack for himself than it takes me to pack for seven people . At the end , despite the fact that he 'd taken dozens of stones from the beach here ( not entirely sure that that 's legal . . . ) and bought hundreds of Euros ' worth of clothes ( much cheaper here than in Germany , apparently - - I wouldn 't know , as I don 't shop either place . . . ) , he was surprised to find that his suitcase was seven kilograms overweight . At 1 : 15 this morning , as my husband ( Jörn ) was more than ready to leave for the airport , " G " started going on and on about how they 'd be sure to look the other way , etc . and that he was just going to risk it . ( On the way here he had six kilos too much and got away with it by saying , " Look , I 'm visiting a family with five children who moved to Cyprus seven months ago - - they need their chocolate and Haribo ! " The lady apparently said , " I shouldn 't do this , but . . . " and let him get away with it . He thinks he charmed her , I think she was tired of listening to him talk . I 'm not feeling very charitable , I have to admit . ) But we asked what his plan of action was if they didn 't ( at 22 Euros per kilo too much , that would be an expensive seven kilos ! ! ) , and he was quite surprised to realize that Jörn , who was supposed to work at 7 : 00 a . m . today , only intended to drop him off at the airport and come back home - - not hang around for an hour or so . So G decided to re - pack and leave things here for us to ship to him . Then just before 1 : 30 , as they ( Jörn and G ) were about to head out the door , half an hour later than intended , Lukas came into the living room and said sleepily , " Jacob fell out of bed . " That was rather surprising , not only as Jacob is ten years old and has never fallen out of bed before , but also because he very rarely sleeps IN bed - - he usually sleeps on the floor . I asked if he was crying or bleeding and Lukas said yes to both , so I headed to see what was up - - Jörn , the less lazy and more compassionate parent of the two , had already gone to Jacob . I found Jacob sitting on the bathroom floor , Jörn cleaning blood from Jacob 's face and trying to locate the source of the bleeding to stop it . Jacob had a gash on his cheek over an inch long . It wasn 't until we got to the hospital that we realized that the blood caked all over his eyebrow was not from the same wound , but from a similar gash on his eyebrow . The thought of G missing his flight just did not bear thinking of , and Jacob was dizzy and there was an awful lot of blood on his bedroom floor and leading to the bathroom , so we didn 't want to wait for Jörn to take G to the airport and come back , and even though we temporarily ( as of yesterday afternoon ) have two cars , we also didn 't want to leave sleeping children on their own . ( I might have been tempted to if they 'd all been asleep - - I would have woken up Marie and told her what we were doing - - but Lukas was still awake and had started crying again because G was leaving . Having no idea how long I 'd be gone , it wouldn 't have been a good idea anyway . ) So Jörn took G to the aiport in the borrowed car and I called Richard . Richard answered his phone extremely coherently for 1 : 30 a . m . and came over right away , and I put Helen ( who had been awake since 12 : 30 and I hadn 't even bothered trying to get back to sleep , as she was useful in helping keep me awake until G 's departure ) and Jacob into our car and drove to the hospital . The emergency room looked crowded when we walked in , but I quickly realized that all the people there were with only one person , who was already being seen to , and we were taken straight into an examining room . When Jörn and I had taken Lukas to the emergency room in April ( while , incidentally , Richard 's wife , Sue , babysat the other children ) , they hadn 't let me go with him because of Helen , so being there on my own this time I was prepared to fight to stay with him , but they didn 't blink an eye at Helen this time . ( Well , actually , they all blinked lots of eyes at Helen , flirting madly with her as she flirted back ! ! ) They discussed back and forth about whether they should stitch or use Steri - Strips ( I didn 't get a whole lot of the conversation , as it was in Greek , but " Steri - Strips " in Greek is . . . roll of drums . . . " Steri - Strips " ) and finally settled on Steri - Strips . Jacob was great , squeezing my hand tight and groaning a tiny bit , but holding his head perfectly still , as three people worked on him . We of course were asked how it happened , and I said that Jacob said he fell out of bed and must have landed on Legos or something - - who knows , as he has a ten - year - old boy 's bedroom . The doctor looked rather skeptical , which made me very uncomfortable , and he examined Jacob all over , also finding two bruises on his leg . Jacob said he was coming down the ladder ( his bed is a " captain 's bed " - - higher than a regular bed , but not by a lot - - the ladder only has two rungs ) and slipped , and he didn 't know what he 'd hit . After they 'd finished with the Steri - Strips and were filling out a form for getting an x - ray , Jörn arrived . Yes , I CAN manage an emergency run to the hospital on my own ( have a bit too much experience as it is ) , but it 's SO much easier with my husband there , too , and I was very glad to see him ! Jacob had the x - ray ( he said they took three or four , all of his head ) , they checked the x - rays and said that he was fine , and we were told to keep him quiet and not to let the wounds get wet for four or five days . The doctor told Jacob no skateboarding or football , that this was a time to sit inside and play computer games , at which Jacob looked insulted and said , " I 'll read . " ( That cracked me up , as he likes computer games at least as much as his mother does and plays even more , but I 'm glad he also thought of reading ! ) Anyway , fun fun - - keep him quiet and dry . We 've gone to the beach nearly every day for the last three months , and on the evenings we don 't go , Jacob plays loud and wild games of hide - and - seek and tag with the neighborhood children . I figure I 'll at least catch up on the reading - aloud that I 've meant to do but haven 't , because Jacob is usually running around outside . . . To finish the story , we got home and let Richard go home to his own bed , Jacob went to bed in our bed , and Helen and I went to bed in Katie 's bed . ( Katie and Marie have a bunk bed with a single bed on top and a double bed underneath . On any given night they might both be on the top , both be on the bottom , or one in each - - last night Marie was in the top bunk and Katie was in the bottom . ) I first removed a coloring book , several marking pens , three stones , and a spinning top , then there was plenty of room for us . Katie woke up and was very , very pleased to see us in her bed , but Helen was not at all pleased to have Katie 's arm around her . Despite the fact that it was 3 : 00 a . m . I had a hard time falling asleep , not being able to read first , but eventually managed , and the next thing I knew it was 7 : 15 . Jörn had set his alarm for 7 : 00 , so he could call and say he 's not going to work this morning and was already back asleep . And now it 's time to leave to take the children to the last day of holiday club ( VBS for U . S . ians ) , and Jacob wants to go too , so I 'm going to be staying . My bet is that within half an hour , Jacob will decide it 's too loud anyway and want to come home . I 've seen various forms of these rules , which totally crack me up . The scary part for me is how many people don 't even get the joke ! Anyway , here 's one list , which I found while trying to figure out where the list originated . This was the best explanation , in my opinion , and below is a partial list . Enjoy ! Okay , so I was born in Southern California , in a place called Oceanside , which is even actually right by the ocean , and we apparently went to the beach on a regular basis . But I don 't remember it at all , and we moved north when I was 3 1 / 2 or 4 . The first time I actually remember being to the beach was when I was 12 - - we went to Disneyland and camped near the beach , and I loved it . As I recall , it was all stones - - no annoying sand . The next time I remember was when I was 18 , went to Disneyland again ( this time with my high school graduating class ) , and I hated it , but I don 't think that had to do with the beach itself , even though it was sandy , but with the fact that I did NOT want to be on that trip and had a bad attitude about it the whole time . I 'm sure I 'd been to the beach other times during my childhood , but I honestly don 't remember them . Mom ? Sibs ? Do any of you read my blog ? When I was 18 I went to Mexico for a year , lived six hours from the coast , and went with the youth group to the beach over a weekend , which also happened to be my birthday . Except for getting sunburned after sitting in the back of a pickup truck for six hours , and the campfire where they all sang happy birthday to me and each and every person gave me a hug ( I love Latin America ! ) , I don 't remember much from that time , either . Is it possible I didn 't even go in the water ? I 've also been to the beach several times in Costa Rica : once with the group of exchange students when I was there the first time in 1988 , once with my host brother and some of his friends ( I think in 1993 , but not sure ) , and once with most of the family two years ago . We did have a wonderful time , but the sand was all over the place and irritating . Having the outdoor shower in the house where we stayed was very helpful . Oh yes , and we spent a couple of days at the beach in Thailand three years ago . I didn 't want to be there ( at the beach , that is - - I loved the eight weeks in Thailand that we spent with the PEOPLE ) , hating being surrounded by tourists and sand . I annoyed my family and my friends by singing Sandra Boynton 's wonderful song , " Tropical Sand . " Here 's my favorite line from the first verse : You like the tropical sun and the tropical sea , But hey , mon , Alaska sounds good to me . And we now live in Cyprus , where the furthest distance from the beach isn 't very far , and we live in Larnaca , right on the coast . Without children I could probably walk to the beach in 20 minutes , we can certainly drive there in less than five minutes ( parking and getting into and out of the car take longer than the drive ) , but I DON ' T LIKE SAND . People had been telling me since January that we 'd be going to the beach regularly once it got hot , and I was skeptical . I love being in the water , but I don 't like sand , and I don 't like the sun much , either . When my brother visited at the end of March we did go to the beach for an hour , but it was cold ( which was nice ) and only three of the children even went into the water . Wind kept blowing sand in my face and I sang my favorite beach song again . In the middle of May a friend took us sailing , and the beach there was all stones , which I liked very much , but the children missed sand . So . . . by the end of May , my husband had found the perfect beach for us , in Pervolia , about 15 minutes away . Once I 've gone to all the hassle of getting everyone and all the stuff into the car , I really don 't care if we drive 15 minutes instead of five , especially for this perfect beach . It has stones where our stuff all stays sand - free , and right at the water it has sand for the children to play in . It stays shallow for a very long way , so I 'm not paranoid about the children , and the very best part : when we go around 4 : 30 or 5 : 00 in the afternoon , we have SHADE - - even in the water ! And there are hardly any people there , and most of the people we 've seen are Cypriots , not tourists . I 've even had a couple of good exchanges with non - English - speaking Cypriots , and they 're very hard to find . So for the last five weeks or so we have been to the beach three or four times every week , and we 've been loving it . Yesterday , however , we couldn 't go to " our " beach , because we had a homeschool families get - together at the beach here in Larnaca , which is all sand . We did find a little bit of shade from the lifeguard station , but there was sand in everything and on everything , and there were people all over . I did enjoy the part where I was in the water , and I very much enjoyed having the time with the other parents , but I 'm looking forward to going to Pervolia tonight . I 'm going to have to get used to sand , though , too , as the homeschoolers want to meet at the beach every week , and our housegroup will be meeting at the beach every other week throughout the summer , starting tomorrow . And yesterday I promised my husband that I would NOT sing the best beach song that was ever written , so I didn 't . And that 's the point of this post - - getting to sing the song ! : - ) First , a semantics disclaimer : the word " homeschooling " for me does not say anything about our " homeschooling style " , just that our children don 't attend traditional school , public or private ! We 're fairly relaxed , which translates to wildy disorganized in the eyes of the highly structured , yet far too structured in the eyes of the true " free - learners . " I can live with that . : - ) Anyway , as I was saying . . . Last week , with the whole family in the car , and for no particular reason , I asked my oldest daughter ( Marie , 11 years and 9 months old ) if she likes being homeschooled . She said , " Umm . . . yeah , I guess so . " I asked why , and she said because she hates getting up early . ( She went to public school for six months in third grade , nearly four years ago , and yes , she hated getting up every single school day of those six months . ) I asked if she would want to go to school if she could start at , say , at 10 : 00 , and she said maybe . Then I told her that it 's really okay to say what she thinks , that I wasn 't trying to get her to answer what she might think I would like to hear , but that I really wanted to know . So she went on to say that at school she really liked art class and misses that , and she enjoyed recess and playing with the other children , and the rest was okay except for P . E . We talked about it a little longer and she admitted she likes math at home better ( that surprised me - - at the time , she seemed quite happy with the ridiculously easy busywork , not bothered in the slightest by not being challenged ) , and she likes all the reading we do , and she likes having lots of time to read on her own . It came down to that if she could do " flexi - schooling " , which I recently read about in a book called " Free - range Education " , she would probably like that very much , but that if that 's not an option , homeschooling is better than going to school , although kind of in a " lesser of two evils " type of way . Not very encouaraging , really , but a good chat . Then I turned to my 10 - year - old son , Jacob , and asked him the same question . From him came the enthusiastic , " YES ! ! Of course ! " I asked why , and he said , " Because I can get up when I want to and read what I want to and learn what I want to and however I want to and wherever I want to and I can think what I want to and say what I want to and nobody teases me and I can play with the friends I want to play with and do the things I want to do . " I purposely didn 't put any punctuation in there , because he definitely didn 't use any while speaking ! We talked a bit more , but there wasn 't much more to say . From my point of view , he totally " gets " why we 're homeschooling . ( He attended first grade for six months , at the same time Marie was in third grade . ) Just to finish off , I asked my nearly - seven - year - old son , Lukas , if he likes being homeschooled , and the little ham said , " Yes , because I get to spend more time with my mother . " As a friend of mine wrote on her blog about her son a few weeks ago , he would probably make a great politician , but we have higher hopes for him . I did talk a bit more with Lukas , but as he 's never been to school , he doesn 't have anything to compare it to , and it boiled down to the fact that he 's quite happy with his life . Then Katie ( will be four next month ) said , " Mommy , you didn 't ask me ! " so I said , " Okay , Katie , do you like being homeschooled ? " She put on her silly little " I 'm - pretending - to - be - shy - because - so - many - people - think - that 's - cute " face and said , " Yes . " I dutifully continued with , " Why do you like it ? " and she said , " Because I get to do math ! " When Lukas finished Earlybird 2B several months ago , Katie took over his book , constantly asking me to do it with her . I finally got her her own book , Earlybird 1A , a few weeks ago , which was a bit silly , because she finished half of the book in about three sittings . Whatever . Just to be silly , I then turned to Helen , nine months old , and said , " So , Helen , do you want to be homeschooled , too ? " and Marie responded extremely emphatically , " Yes , definitely ! " I was rather surprised , after her own rather wishy - washy response , and asked why she was so sure that Helen would like being homeschooled . Marie 's response , " Because Helen has strong opinions . " Very interesting . I asked then if one can 't have strong opinions at school , and Marie got kind of quiet again and finally said , " Well , yes , but you can 't do anything about them . You 're sort of supposed to think the same things the other kids think , and like the same things and have the same things , and you 're not really supposed to like math or like the teachers or anything like that . " I asked her if she didn 't have any strong opinions herself , and she said she does now , and wouldn 't let people change them anyway , but that would be one reason she wouldn 't want to go to school ALL the time , because it would be too exhausting keeping her own opinions . Last week - - Jacob dropped something in the bathroom sink and it ( the sink / washbasin ) broke . It was replaced yesterday . Now we know a nice English - speaking plumber . This afternoon - - Lukas was climbing up the side of the veranda and he and the concrete slab on top of the brick planters that make up the walls of the veranda crashed to the concrete ground . Now we know where the hospital is and Lukas has had his first x - ray , but his ankle is thankfully only sprained , not broken . I 'm supposed to keep a six - year - old boy still and with his foot up for five days . So she played with the frog for awhile , singing some version or another of this song , but then decided the frog needed speckles , as it was only plain green . After a long family discussion about the frog 's ownership , it was determined that it was Jacob 's frog , but he never denies his little sister anything he can grant her , so he carefully speckled the frog with a permanent marker . Delighted , Katie continued to play and sing , and this was her latest version of the song , fitting the melody perfectly , with the text as near as I can remember it : Her explanation was that as it landed on its back ( she 'd of course tossed it up in the air to land in the " pond " ) , it was dead like the cockroach we found in the shower this morning . Which reminded us that we 'd found a dead cockoach in the shower this morning and hadn 't done anything about it , so went to look at it to think some more about it , and discovered that it WASN ' T dead , after all ! ! It was on its back , but wiggling its legs . We put a yogurt pot over it while we decide what to do next . Yuck . I 've been wanting to write a blog post with this title for a week ! Several times since we moved into this house , I 've managed to wake up and GET up before Katie did , and have gone for a walk down by the salt lake . Last week when I did that , there were snails EVERYWHERE . Not wanting to step on them ( in all honesty , not so much because of caring about snails , but because of not wanting yucky squished snail on my sandals . . . ) , I spent most of the time watching carefully where I was walking , which involved a lot of back - and - forth , or slow motion swerving . Snail slalom . Almost all of the snails were crossing the path from south to north , except for in one short section where they were crossing north to south . Very weird . I went for another walk the day before yesterday and played snail slalom again , but there weren 't quite as many , so I got to enjoy the scenery a bit more . I also discovered that we 're pretty much right in the middle of the four - kilometer - long path - - it took me 21 minutes to walk to one end of it , and 23 minutes to walk to the other end . Since it 's about half a kilometer down to the path , that 's a five - kilometer walk if I go to one end only and back home . Not very far , but a first step towards my goal of running a marathon before I 'm 58 . I take Helen with me in the sling , so I can 't jog even if I could jog , which I can 't . When I played snail slalom the day before yesterday , I didn 't wear socks with my sandals and got blisters on both big toes and on one heel . I feel like such a wimp . I would have liked to go down to the salt lake this morning to watch the sunrise , but I pretended that the fact that my favorite sling is in the laundry was the reason I didn 't , not my limping . So . . . this morning I actually set the alarm , for 4 : 55 , and went up on the roof , instead . The sunrise is officially around 6 : 30 a . m . , but it 's light long before that , and the part I like best is watching it get light . I got Helen back to sleep and left her in bed with Papa and went up at 5 : 15 , just in time . Because of the lights from the airport , the streetlamps , and the brightness of the moon , I 'm not sure if there was any light from the sun or not yet - - east didn 't really look any different from any other direction . By 5 : 30 , it was definitely dawning , and the streetlights went off at about 5 : 45 . Despite the telephone lines and the buildings and the lack of mountains , I enjoyed it very much . Having celebrated the Son - Rise by myself on the roof , I came back downstairs at about 6 : 15 , in a much better mood than I 'd been in yesterday , ready to continue celebrating the Resurrection with my family . I made Easter bread , using Greek yogurt instead of Quark , guessing at the amount of baking powder because my recipe said " a packet of baking powder " , adding a lot more flour than the recipe said to get the right consistancy , and leaving it in the oven for about twice as long as the recipe said , and it still turned out fine ! While it was in the oven I put eggs on to boil and went outside to take down laundry and completely forgot about the eggs . 10 of the 12 were cracked , but I dyed all of them anyway , and set the table with a miniature chocolate egg on each plate . Everyone liked the bread and the eggs and the children were glad that we had a treat after all , after we 'd cancelled the egg - dying yesterday due to the enormous gap between parental expectations and children 's behavior . After breakfast the children even made butterflies and eggs with coffee filters , paper towels , and the left - over egg dye . I felt very domestic and organized . That does happen , once every couple of years or so , but it wears off quickly . At 10 : 00 we went to the worship service of a church we 've sort of kind of decided that we might mostly go to semi - regularly , and then afterwards went to a multi - lingual house church for lunch and fellowship ( and learning Greek ! ) , and didn 't get home until nearly 6 : 00 p . m . And now it 's 8 : 00 and I 'd actually like to be getting the children ready for bed , but we didn 't eat lunch until nearly 3 : 00 and haven 't even had dinner yet , and now a friend is here playing Ligretto with the children , so I 'm at the computer . I 'm not sure what we 're doing next Sunday , which is when the Greek Orthodox celebrate Easter . Okay , the friend is going to continue playing Ligretto with the children , and Jörn ( and Helen ) and I are going to walk to the bakery ALL BY OURSELVES and buy bread ! Yay ! So for the quick update : " here " is the wonderful guest flat ( apartment to my compatriots ) we had asked to stay in for two or three weeks and actually stayed in for SIX AND A HALF WEEKS ! It was wonderful and we 're very grateful - thank you , thank you , Sue and Richard ! And the reason I 'm " here " at the moment is because we don 't have telephone / internet in our house yet , so I 'm checking e - mail , etc . ( Too much etc . - I 'm sorry I 'm so behind on answering e - mails , but I DO always answer eventually , you know I do , A and M ! ) And yes , our things arrived on Thursday ( yay ! ) and nothing was broken ( yay ! again and a huge thank you to Neema and Judy , who packed most of the dishes ! ) , but we didn 't actually move ourselves in until yesterday . I still haven 't figured out how to put photos on here ( yes , you can tell me what to click , and it should be obvious , but when I 've tried , it hasn 't worked ) , but I 'll get photos onto Facebook at least . Eventually . Don 't hold your breath . Moving progress : our crates arrived in Limassol last Friday and we were able to sign the customs papers here in Larnaca , and today they finally called to say that they 're actually going to deliver our stuff to us TOMORROW ! They 'll call tomorrow to say what time . It 's good that we 're flexible . : - ) And a Katie - funny : as usual , she was in our bed far too early this morning , around 6 : 20 , talking and singing and I - don 't - know - what , as I was still trying to sleep . At 7 : 15 I got up and went to the bathroom . As I walked back into the bedroom , Katie was climbing out of bed and saying to my husband , " I 'm going to Mommy . " She had her back sort of to me , so I dashed around the bed and under the blanket on my husband 's side - - he saw me coming and held the blanket up , then pulled it over my head quickly . I don 't know HOW Katie missed seeing me , but she did , and went out of the room . She came back , leaned on me ( through the blanket ) to talk to Papa , asking where Mommy is . I managed not to giggle out loud , but was shaking holding the laughter in . She said , " What 's that ? ! " and pulled the blanket back and saw me . Then she said , " Oh , Mommy ! There you are ! I thought it was a octo - plus ! " |
On the 24th we celebrated " German Christmas " , as that 's when Germans celebrate normally , and as Peter and Christin were leaving on the 25th in the wee hours . That meant we got to light the candles on the tree a day earlier than usual , as my husband won 't let me light them until we open presents , and as he 's married to a U . S . - ian who thinks it 's silly to open presents after dinner and have hyper children who don 't want to go to bed , we generally celebrate on the 25th . But the few " German presents " didn 't take that long , and the children went to bed fairly happily , still anticipating Christmas morning . They weren 't even that upset about saying goodbye to Peter and Christin , as we 'll see them in Germany in February . Rather than the free - for - all I grew up with , we all take turns taking a gift from under the tree and handing it to the right person . I imagine that " normal " children would choose something that they think is for themselves , but this is one of the times that I 'm glad my children aren 't normal . : - ) I myself am not at all into gift - giving and would rather do away with it all together , but the children have apparently all inherited their father 's main love - language and delight in giving gifts . Katie started , and chose the gift that she had made at preschool ( where , two days a week , I work and she attends ) for us . Then Lukas excitedly chose a gift from himself to one of his siblings , and on it went . The children were always pleasantly surprised and grateful for what they received , but were over - the - moon hyper with excitement about what they gave . Around 10 : 00 the phone rang - - it was Peter . Last week the airport in Frankfurt ( which was where they were flying ) had been closed because of snow , forcing 3000 people to spend the night there , so I said , " So you made it ! Good ! " Peter said , " No , actually we liked Cyprus so much that we decided to stay - - we 're in Ayia Napa ! " I laughed and said that I know that I 'm gullible and tend to believe whatever people tell me , but I wasn 't falling for it this time . I could hear Christin laughing hysterically in the background , and it took awhile , but they finally convinced me that they were , indeed , in a hotel in Ayia Napa . The runway lights weren 't working , so everyone had been taken by bus to a hotel in Ayia Napa , where they had gotten to bed around 3 : 30 and had just finished a big breakfast ! They said that the hotel was nice and the food was good , but it was awful being surrounded by so many " fat tourists " and the " scenery " basically consisted of one hotel after another . They were very glad to have seen a bit more of the " real " Cyprus with us that most tourists ever do . They were going to be taken back to the airport at 11 : 30 , and with a direct flight to Frankfurt , I imagine that they did eventually arrive . I did find an article on - line about the airport closure , but wasn 't able to confirm if they now have the runway lights fixed . I selfishly certainly hope so , as we 're flying at 3 : 00 a . m . in two days ! ! We have a six - hour lay - over in Frankfurt ( after changing planes in Prague ) , so there 's a little bit of lee - way , but as our flights are not connecting ( we booked separate tickets from here to Frankfurt and back , and from Frankfurt to San Francisco and back , which was considerably less expensive that booking all the way from Cyprus to San Francisco ) , I 'm not sure what would happen if we were to miss the other flight - - and I don 't particularly want to find out , either . We were concerned about weather in Prague and Frankfurt , but it never occurred to us to wonder if Larnaca Airport would be open ! ! ! Christmas dinner was scrumptious ( tender , HOT turkey - - not something I 'm used to ! ) and the company was even better . The children behaved fairly decently , for the most part . I love visiting people , but sometimes find my own children 's behavior to be so stressful for me ( even when it 's not even bothering our hosts ) that I can 't always relax as much as I 'd like to . After dinner , chatting , and dessert ( half a dozen different delicious things , for which we didn 't have room , but didn 't let that stop us ! ! ) , we drugged some of the children with a movie , and the adults ( five of us , as Sue and Richard 's son Tim was also there , visiting from England ) and Jacob played Settlers of Catan with the Seafarers extention , which they had received for Christmas . I 'm rather " Settler - ed out " ( and I know we 'll have three more weeks of it in the U . S . . . ) , but as always , the best part is the people . : - ) Children to bed , and we weren 't long in following - - and didn 't get woken up for good this morning until nearly 9 : 00 ! ! ( The previous post is about this morning . . . ) Today we have about 18 YWAM people coming at 2 : 00 for lunch and singing ( oh yeah - - I 'm supposed to be looking for the words to a few songs in various languages . . . ) and exchanging " white elephant " or " monster " gifts . I 'm trying desparately to get clothes washed and dried ( and it started raining about half an hour ago . . . I might actually put the drying rack in my bedroom and turn on the heating , as I 'm running out of other options ) for packing tomorrow afternoon / evening , and then we 're off . And after those next six weeks ( three in the U . S . , which will include a wedding , two anniversaries , three days at Disneyland , three birthdays , and maybe even some time with friends , and then three in Germany , for which we already have over 30 different meetings with people planned . . . ) , we are REALLY going to need a vacation . . . Four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a pre - natal check - up , mostly just because I wanted an ultrasound to have some idea of a due date , not being at all sure . ( When I said I really didn 't know how far I was , the doctor looked down again at my paperwork , listing all eight previous pregnancies , raised his eyebrows , and said something like , " By now you really ought to have some idea . " ) The baby 's head - rump measurement spit out an age of 11 weeks ( well , 9 weeks for the baby , 11 weeks as doctors count ) , due date June 15th , 2010 . Anyway , I was there last time for 2 1 / 2 hours for a total of less than five minutes with the doctor , and as I was leaving , there was a near - riot going on in the waiting area , with dozens of pregnant women yelling at a man in hospital clothes . While I myself had been waiting , women had been comparing their appointment times , and there were several with 9 : 00 , one with 9 : 20 , and several with 9 : 30 . That was after 10 : 00 when they were looking at them - - and I didn 't even have an appointment at all , being told one wasn 't necessary . After several women who had definitely arrived after I had had elbowed their way in , five women ( two English , two Cypriot , and one who spoke neither English nor Greek but agreed with the others that I should definitely be next ) pushed me in the next time the door opened . Quite an experience . Anyway , I 'm glad I was out of there before the riot started , but felt bad for all the others still stuck there . In any case , I let myself be talked into going back today for another check - up , with the idea that if the baby 's size four weeks later still matched that due date , I 'd be reassured of the due date , as I 'd been told that I 'd have another ultrasound . Also , I know someone whose twins were NOT seen at 12 weeks , so it was good to confirm today that there IS only one baby ! But the doctor didn 't take any measurements today , just checked the heartbeat , then as he turned off the ultrasound machine said , " How many sons and daughters do you have ? " I told him , and then he said , " Well , it looks like you might have - - " and I quickly interrupted him and said " Don 't tell me ! I don 't want to know ! " He was rather surprised at that , and then said that he wasn 't really sure , anyway , but IF I go back at all , I 'll be sure to mention BEFORE they start that I don 't want to know the baby 's gender ! But I really , really don 't want to go back . I had been given " the first appointment " , at 7 : 30 this morning . I was indeed the first person there - - the doctor and an assistant didn 't arrive until 8 : 20 . But shortly after I arrived , other pregnant women started arriving . That 's where the language practice came in , because happily , the first one to arrive spoke very little English , in fact , not more than I speak Greek . So although I 'd officially learned how to tell time in Greek on paper , I could never remember it , but now I can . : - ) It 's her first baby and she 's in the ninth month , and she had an appointment for 8 : 00 . The next woman to arrive didn 't sit down with us , but went and stood right at the door to the room where they take blood pressure and weight . The one after that was another Cypriot who spoke little English , then a Muslim woman arrived , then another who didn 't talk , and then a Nigerian who spoke no Greek at all , but English , and had her six - month - old son with her . By 8 : 15 there were 10 of us , and then at 8 : 20 the assistant went into her office , and lady number 3 had pushed her way into the room before anyone else could react . However , the rest of us ( those who were sitting - - there are only six chairs - - as well as the others standing around ) quickly moved over to the door , leaving most of the chairs empty - - one was still occupied by a father . When the door opened , two women tried to push in front of me but I managed to slip in . My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed ( just like last time , the doctor 's scale gives me four more kilos that my scale - - I like my scale MUCH better ! ! ) , was scolded for not having had an amniocentesis ( I 'd declined four weeks ago , which the doctor hadn 't had a problem with ) , was handed my file , and got to go wait in the hallway again to get into the doctor 's office . Arrival number 4 was the third one into the assistant 's office , arrival number 2 was the fourth one in , I didn 't pay attention after that , as I was enjoying chatting with the English woman I had met four weeks ago . WhWhen I got home , I called the three phone numbers I 'd been given ( by a lady who now lives in the U . K . , but whose homebirth story I 'd found by googling " homebirth Cyprus " , as she had her baby at home in Cyprus two years ago ) of a doula and two midwives who are reputed to attend homebirths . I left a message with one midwife 's voicemail and there weren 't any answers from the other two , but the doula called me back almost immediately . She 's leaving on vacation tomorrow , but we 're going to talk again in February , and she sounded quite encouraging . Efficiency doesn 't happen to be one , either , but we did get a temporary reprieve at Immigration today . No real progress , but the good news is that I 'll be able to leave Cyprus in two weeks without being given the third degree about why I 've been here longer than my three - month tourist visa allowed , and I 'll be able to re - enter once , by the 15th of February . ( We get back the 12th . ) The first person he talked to didn 't think that what he was saying made any sense , but finally told him to go to " Block 7 " - - the complex apparently has something like 9 buildings - - which is where they deal with non - European foreigners . So Jörn went there and found it was closed . He got in a side entrance and was told that really , they 're closed until January , as they 're in the process of moving . ( The only surprising part is that this is practically the first place in Nikosia that we 've been to that had not YET moved from the address we were given . . . ) No , of course they won 't give letters saying that my application is in process - - who told him so ? Does he have a copy of the application ? Good , because as they 're in the process of moving , they don 't know where anything is . ( See , this is why we always take EVERYTHING , not just what they say they 'll need . . . ) The friendly lady made a copy , talked with her boss , and came back and said no problem , they can issue me with a one - time , re - entry visa . Where are the stamps , please ? My husband asked what stamps , and was told that he needs " revenue stamps from the post office , worth € 10 . 27 . " So then Jörn asked where the post office was , and the lady said that she had just explained it to this other applicant , in Greek , who was standing next to Jörn , so Jörn could just give her the money and she could get the stamps for both of them . Jörn politely declined handing over the money , but did walk out to the parking lot with the lady and asked her where the post office was . She said she had no idea , somewhere near the Presidential Palace , but she didn 't know where that was . Jörn did know , however , so was able to tell her , and then they drove off in their separate cars . However , I still don 't have a yellow slip ( the registration paper , giving me permission to live here indefinitely ) , and the lady seemed to think it amusing that Jörn even asked her when that might happen . She told him to come back when we get back to Cyprus in February - - at their new premises in the Old General Hospital . At least I do know where the Old General Hospital is , as I had to find that in order to find the Ministry of Health , and I imagine that we can count on Immigration not moving AGAIN before we can get there , so that 's good . . . I should have posted an update before , but there unfortunately wasn 't ever any exciting news . My husband went to Nikosia ( as he is the European , and as men tend to receive a bit more respect here , we thought it made more sense for him to go than for me to . . . ) on the day they said that my registration should be ready , and they went through the entire rigmarole again : " We need such and such paper . " " You have such and such paper . Right there . " " Oh , okay . Then we need to make another copy . " Etc . I don 't remember all the details anymore , but very frustrating . The only interesting part was that the head of the department heard Jörn speaking German with the children ( he had two or three with him ) and was intrigued : it turned out that this man had lived in Bochum for 12 years , very close to where we used to live . So they spoke German with each other and the man promised to be on the case and gave Jörn his extension number and told him to call the following week . The following week Jörn called several dozen times , eventually reached him and was told that my registration was ready , but that he didn 't know where it was at the moment , so please call back in an hour . Jörn called back in an hour , dialing many , many times . ( He didn 't count . ) Then he started making lunch and handed the phone to me , and I tried over 30 times . No answer . We kept trying in the next few days , including ( at the suggestion of several other people ) trying from other phone numbers , in case they had blocked our number . No success . In the meantime , I had really hoped to go to Germany for the first week of December for a conference about families on the mission field . I was going to take Helen and my friend Sue , whom Helen is crazy about , to take care of Helen . I 'd hoped to leave on a Friday ( the conferenced started the following Tuesday ) , but on Thursday , still having no news , we found flights for Monday morning ( well , middle of the night , to be exact . . . ) instead , but still didn 't book . On Monday Sue let me know that if by some miracle my registrationPosted by Today was much more frustrating than yesterday , although much shorter . We left at 9 : 45 , got photocopies made of the paperwork from yesterday , and were at immigration by just past 10 : 00 . Marie , Lukas , and Katie stayed outside on the rocks under the trees and Helen and I waited in the hallway , where an old man gave me a seat , then a younger woman gave the old man a seat , and everyone was very friendly and talking with Helen . After about half an hour , it was my turn . The lady at the reception desk said that Mrs . Maria is not there and won 't be back until December 1st , please come back in December . I said that they must have the file , though - - could somebody else help me , please ? She sighed , called a colleague , and I got to go into an inner office . At this point , Helen started fussing , refused to nurse , didn 't want to play with anything , and eventually started screaming . She has a very loud , piercing scream . While she was screaming and I was trying to talk with the lady , Katie came in , took her shoes off , and started to roll around on the floor , and when I told her to put her shoes on and stand up , she had a temper tantrum . I sat her on a chair , not particularly gently , and kept trying to talk with the lady who didn 't feel particularly responsible for me . She first tried to tell me that I need to apply for a yellow slip . I explained that we had applied in JANUARY , that we had been there FOUR times already . She finally looked for - - and found - - our file , and said that I need medical insurance for my " babies " . ( The Greek word that actually means " baby " is used for children of all ages , and Greek - speakers , even those quite fluent in English , tend to use the word " baby " in English , rather than child . Lukas and Katie do NOT like it when they say that to them , but I digress . ) I said , " Yes , I have the E106 here , and the Cypriot medical card . " She wasn 't the slightest bit interested in the E106 , but took the medical card off to photocopy . Then she came back again ( Helen was still screaming , by the way , but Katie had gone back outside to Marie and Lukas ) and said , " Now we can send your application to Nikosia . " I said , " My application has already been SENT to Nikosia , and returned to you here . Mrs . Maria called me and said that I only need to provide proof of medical insurance for the children , then I can be given the yellow slip . " She said no , since I 'm American , my paperwork all has to be done in Nikosia , they can 't do anything here in Larnaka . However , the lady who is doing Mrs . Maria 's work at the moment will be in on Monday , so I can come again on Monday as of 7 : 30 , if I want . But everything will HAVE to be sent to Nikosia , and they now have everything required , so there 's really no reason for me to come back in on Monday . I asked how long it will take ( as last time we were at this point , they said up to five months ) , and she said one week . With Helen still screaming , I finally said okay , and left . I got all the children in the car , Helen finally nursed and calmed down , and then I left all the children in the car and went back in . ( I ignored lines and simply walked into the inner office . ) I asked if it would be possible for ME to go to Nikosia , and she said yes , of course , and gave me a slip of paper with the address . Not having much faith in addresses in the meantime ( not to mention that there is no place to look up addresses in Cyprus . . . ) , I asked her if she could show me on the map where the immigration office in Nikosia is . She said yes , of course , and she and another colleague spent a very long time looking and my map and pointing out streets that they knew and having some long discussion of which I basically only understood the prepositions and conjuctions ( while useful bits of speech , they don 't help much in following a conversation ) , and finally told me no , they couldn 't . I asked if they could then give me my paperwork , please , so that I could take it to Nikosia , and they said no , they will send it , that they have to send it to the police there . This made NO sense to me , I explained again that Mrs . Maria had said that everything is done , they were just waiting for the children 's medical insurance , but she wasn 't particularly interested . I explained that I hope to go to Germany at the beginning of December ( oh yeah - - that 's another story , except that there really isn 't one yet , since without the yellow slip , I can 't go ) and that I 'm running out of time , and she said again , " One week . " I went back and sat in the car for a long time , with my head on the steering wheel , ignoring the children 's fussing , etc . , then finally left , and was home again by 11 : 15 . Jörn called around 12 : 00 and I told him the story , and he 's going to go in Monday morning at 7 : 30 . But at that point , my paperwork will probably all have been sent to Nikosia anyway . I 'm just remembering that I never finished the passport saga , so I suppose I should finish that first . We borrowed a friend 's car so Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics and I could go to Nikosia on a Thursday afternoon . I tried somewhere around a dozen times to telephone to confirm that that was really okay , but there was never any answer . Just before leaving town , though , I tried one more time and got an answer - - the first lady told me yes , of course , no problem , but she 'd just check if her colleague was in that day . Her colleague was in and said no , of course I couldn 't renew my passport in the afternoon - - only in the morning . So much for that afternoon , although I then did go get new passport photos - - at a different place , one Euro less , and four photos instead of two , but with my typical " Yuck - - I hate having my photo taken " face . Anyway , I went the following Monday morning leaving home at 6 : 30 . I of course hit rush hour in Nikosia , so didn 't get to the embassy until nearly 8 : 00 , and it was about two hours until I was through , but there were no problems , and three days later I got an e - mail telling me my passport was ready to be picked up . The trip to pick it up was totally uneventful - - I even left absolutely everything except my car keys and my old passport in the car , to make security easy . ( But they had cubbies for purses and such - - I 'd had to leave the diaper bag there the first time , although when I then said out loud to Helen , " Okay , Helen , no pooping , " they did let me take out one diaper and the wipes to take in with me . . . ) First of all , Cyprus is part of the European Union . Jörn and the children are Europeans , and I 'm not only married to a European , I have permanent German residency status . Therefore , it should be a very straightforward matter to register our family here in Cyprus . Within a week or two of arriving , Jörn went to the immigration office and got , in writing , a list of what we needed to have in order to register . In June we all showed up for the appointment , and after waiting outside for a long time , they called Jörn in , but looked confused about why he had bothered to bring along his wife and five children , and asked us to wait outside . So we waited outside in the parking lot in the June heat of Cyprus while Jörn was inside the air - conditioned building . ( There were trees , at least , but no seats . ) They changed their mind about certain requirements and asked us to return in July . In July we all went again , and this time , although most of the meeting was with Jörn alone while we again waited in the parking lot ( but this time I had brought water and snacks , at least ) , they did call us in at the end to check each face against the passports . Jörn and the children were all granted " yellow slips " ( not quite residence permits , but the idea is basically the same - - legal permission to be here ) , but the evil American was told that her paperwork had to be sent to Nikosia . They said that it could take up to five months , which would be the end of December , and that if it did indeed take that long , they could no longer give me a yellow slip , as my passport was due to expire June 11th , 2010 , and had to be valid for at least six months past date of issue of the yellow slip - - in other words , if they took until after December 11th to approve me , then I would no longer be approved . That was one reason I had to get a new passport . ( I needed a new one anyway because it was questionable as to whether , when we return to Cyprus next February , they would let me in with a passport only valid for another four months . Some people said three months is fine , but we 've heard so much conflicting information for so many countries that it 's better not to risk it . ) Then at some point , the immigration office here in Larnaka called and said that they had everything back from Nikosia , and that Larnaka was in trouble with Nikosia for having granted the children yellow slips , as they had " no proof of health insurance . " Of course , now it was too late , as they HAD given the children yellow slips , however , ever since then , they 've been holding MY yellow slip hostage until we provide sufficient proof of health insurance for the children . ( The fact that we have USED this health insurance for four of the children , multiple times and twice at the emergency room , in the 10 months we have been here , is irrelevant . ) I have completely lost track of how many phone calls Jörn has made to Germany and to various offices in Larnaka , and he 's visited four or five different offices here , as well , as he 's been told at each one that a different one is responsible . We eventually obtained the required E106 form from our health insurance in Germany , which states that Jörn Lange , his wife Sheila Lange , and " all members of his household " are covered by complete health insurance . This form is of course in German , but it 's a fill - in - the - blank form , with numbered blanks , and the idea is that these " E " forms ( " E " for European - - for members of the European Union ) are universal . Here in Cyprus , they need only look at a blank form in Greek and see that if box so - and - so is checked on the German form , that means such - and - such . Germany cannot provide us with a form in Greek ( or English or any other language ) - - only in German . That 's the whole point of the E - forms . However , despite requiring it of us , nobody in Cyprus has the E106 . Jörn took Jacob with him today to the worship seminar YWAM is running this week , and at a little past 9 : 00 I headed to Nikosia with the other four children . Just before 10 : 00 , despite one missed turn , we arrived easily at the address given to us by the German embassy and marked clearly on the brand - new map we have of Nikosia as " The Ministry of Health . " I 'd enjoyed the slight detour , too , as we saw part of the amazing wall in the center of Nikosia , and I was thinking about how , if the meeting went quickly , we could go to the park at the wall , and maybe I 'd phone up my friend Jane and ask if we could come hang out for awhile ( she lives very close to there ) , or maybe I should just head back to Larnaka and get to immigration before they close at 11 : 30 , or maybe we 'd go to Ikea and I 'd get another spice rack for my miniature books , or maybe we 'd look for a decent - sized bookstore , or . . . well , there were many possibilities ! Pulling up to the building , though , I thought it looked rather deserted , except for the Pizza Hut take - away and the pharmacy on the ground floor , and I thought it was odd that there was no sign of any kind around what appeared to be the main entrance . And parking was very easy - - plenty of space in the parking lot behind the building . Well , the very nice lady in the pharmacy told me that the Ministry of Health had moved two years ago , and that it was " verry , verry farr away . " She thought it was behind the old general hospital , but she couldn 't tell me how to get there , either , and it wasn 't even on my map , although she could show me the general vicinity , but again emphasized that it was very far away . I pointed out that I had come from Larnaka and it wasn 't as far as that , and I had to go there one way or another , and loaded the children back in the car . The " other side of town " is starting to look quite familiar - - that 's where the German and U . S . embassies are - - so I figured I 'd head over there and probably see a sign for the " Old General Hospital " , or at least be able to ask at a gas station or someplace . I didn 't see any signs , and Helen was starting to get very upset about being in the car for so long . Traffic was much heavier , I was being distracted by Helen , and I got rather mixed up . I never did find where I was on the map , but by the sun eventually managed to get to the west side of the city and passed by the Presidential palace twice before I finally found a place to park and nurse Helen . I then went into an office supply store , where several of the staff as well as several of the customers were very friendly and helpful , and then finally one staff person who spoke excellent English even drew me a map - - to the Old General Hospital , anyway , as she had no idea where the Ministry of Health might be . The lady at the front desk answered , " This is not the Ministry of Health . This is the Old General Hospital . " I said " I know , but I was told that the Ministry of Health is very close . " She told me to go out the back doors and then I would see the black building . Then I confused her by turning around and walking out the front door , but when I came back in a minute later with four children ( and my purse and the bag full of paperwork . . . ) she nodded . We walked down the very long corridor in the obviously VERY old hospital , went out the creaky back doors , and found ourselves on the sidewalk , with no black building in sight . We walked for awhile , and then saw a modern building on the other side of the street that maybe could be considered black ( it was all dark , reflective windows ) , but there was no sign in English on it . I carefully studied the Greek , but except for " Nikosia " ( Lefkosia , actually , in Greek ) , several prepositions , and the address ( " between the rivers " , although more accurate would be " between the mostly dry sometimes trickles of water " ) , I didn 't understand any of it . I should have at least found out what " Ministry of Health " is in Greek , but I hadn 't . Anyway , we did walk on a bit , but not seeing anything else that looked promising , we went back and went inside . There were several posters of health - related activities ( brusthing teeth , washing hands , etc . ) hanging up , so it looked promising . By the time it was my turn at the front desk , it was nearly 12 : 00 . The lady there told me to see " Mrs . Marta , inside " , and vaguely waved her hand behind her . There was a short hallway and three or four doors , all of them open , but none of them had the name " Marta " on them . I put my head inside one where there seemed to be a lot of activity and asked ( in Greek , this time ) where Mrs . Marta was , and the lady there waved vaguely and said ( in Greek , at least ! ) , " Inside . " I went in the direction I thought maybe she had pointed , but that lady wasn 't Mrs . Marta either - - it turned out that she was at the back of the first office into which I had looked - - inside . Mrs . Marta didn 't speak the most fluent English , but it was certainly hundreds of times better than my Greek , and I tried to explain the situation . All I wanted her to do was to write the children 's names on the E106 and put a stamp on it . She told me she needed our alien registration numbers , and I explained that that was the problem : I do not have one yet , and I 'm trying to get one , and that 's why I need this form filled out ! She kept explaining that I couldn 't have a medical card until I had an alien registration , and to please go to immigration and get registered , then she could give me a medical card . I told her that I don 't want a medical card , and that I can 't register until I have this form . I even told her in Greek that my husband and children are German , but I am from the United States , and that 's why I have a problem . Mrs . Marta finally called Mrs . Emily upstairs ( in Cyprus , people are generally all called " Mrs . " or " Mr . " and their first name ) , and then handed the phone to me so I could explain this to Mrs . Emily . Mrs . Emily spoke excellent English , but could not understand why I needed this . I sympathized - - in fact , I 've been told by other people that there is no law requiring anyone to even have health insurance , so nobody understands why the immigration office is requiring this of us . However , the immigration office is refusing to register me without this , so it 's not like I have a lot of choice . I talked with Mrs . Marta again , and she called Mrs . Emily again , and then Mrs . Emily came downstairs to see my paperwork and talk with me personally . By this time the children were getting rather ansty , and although I did quiet them , I apologized to Mrs . Marta and explained that they 'd been in the car for nearly three hours and it was hard sitting for so long . ( Actually , the car was only about 2 1 / 2 hours , but we 'd also waited for awhile . ) She raised her eyebrows and said , " From Larnaka ? " and I explained that we 'd first gone to where the Ministry of Health used to be , but a lady at the pharmacy there had told me that it had moved two years ago , and I had had a lot of trouble finding the new place . She said , " No , not two years ago - - very recently ! " I asked when , and she just said again , " Very recently , not two years ! " Mrs . Emily appeared to mostly understand , and said that they 'd be happy to put the children on the form and issue a medical card for my husband and children , but that they couldn 't issue one for me , because I didn 't have an alien registration number . Nobody cared at all that we have European health cards which we can already use at any hospital and that I don 't WANT a Cypriot medical card , but I finally said that was fine . She took the paperwork with her and asked me to wait . I did not cry . I am very proud of myself . I explained again , very , very slowly , " This form was issued by my German health insurance to show that I have health insurance from Germany . I do not NEED a Cypriot medical card , I need to get the yellow slip ! If they don 't believe that I have health insurance , they will not register me . This form was from Germany . This form was proof that I have health insurance . I do have health insurance . You should not have crossed out my name . " Mrs . Marta called Mrs . Emily again , I talked with her for awhile . They apologized . In the meantime , my name is crossed out , in ink , which makes it look as though I do not have health insurance . I wrote down Mrs . Emily 's name and phone number , and she said that the immigration office should telephone her if they have a problem . I guess I 'll find out tomorrow morning if that works . We finally got back to the car and left the parking lot at 1 : 10 , four hours after leaving home . No park , no visiting Jane , no Ikea , and likely no lunch , either , if Lukas was to get to gymnastics by 2 : 30 , especially as it was now the middle of the lunch rush hour . ( Most Cypriots go home for lunch and many stores close for a couple of hours in the middle of the day . ) At 1 : 40 I pulled up to a Zorpas bakery and bought too - soft bread ( didn 't get our favorite bread , because that would have needed slicing which would have taken longer ) and expensive cheese , which Marie made into sandwiches and handed out as I kept driving . We made it to gymnastics with 10 minutes to spare , I let Lukas out , and we came home and I started typing this . At 3 : 30 I picked up Lukas again , and now it 's 4 : 45 and Lukas and Katie are playing outside and Marie is doing math . A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that she 'd read a post at my other blog that she thought I 'd accidentally put there instead of here , but I didn 't get around to checking it until just now . She was right , so I 've copied and posted it here . I 'm not sure if it will go in the right order or not , as I 'm certainly not going to try anything fancy , just claim the original date and time , which was October 22nd at 10 : 55 p . m . Incidentally , I 've since figured out just why I was SO tired , although I really should have been completely recovered from the flu by that time . Much to our happy surprise , we 're expecting a baby next June ! : - ) ( And the first trip to the doctor - - two and a half hours , about three minutes of which were with the doctor - - ought to be another post , but not today . ) We have three computers ( well , one isn 't ours , but is more - or - less on permanent loan ) , all of which have different quirks . The main problem with this one is that it has a tendency to be near - dying - - WHEN it 's working , it 's definitely the best of the three . It 's the only one that lets me type easily , so I 'm taking advantage of it working to try to update . Passport : after the futile trip to Nikosia on Columbus Day , I chose the next sort - of available time , Thursday afternoon . We borrowed a friend 's car so that Jörn could take Lukas to gymnastics , and at 2 : 00 I left in our car , with Katie and Helen , first taking a friend home . I 'd tried quite a few times to call the embassy to confirm the hours , but the recording between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . kept telling me to call between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 p . m . However , just after dropping off my friend , I pulled over and tried one more time , as I still needed new photos , and if they couldn 't tell me where to get them near the embassy , I preferred to try to get them in Larnaka . I actually talked to a HUMAN ! ! A very nice human , too , who said that of course I could come that afternoon to renew my passport , no problem - - oh , but maybe she should just check if the lady who does that was in . She connected me to someone else , who informed me that under no circumstances could I renew my passport outside of the hours 7 : 30 to 11 : 00 ( which is , actually , what the website said . ) So . . . I looked for another place to get passport photos taken ( being embarrassed to go to the same place as the week before . . . ) and found a parking space directly in front of a place that gave me FOUR photos ( instead of two ) for SEVEN Euros ( instead of eight . ) As expected , I look annoyed and wanting to get out of there in the photo . Oh well . Monday this week I left at 6 : 30 a . m . , with only Helen , and arrived at the embassy at 7 : 45 , and parked only about a five - minutes ' walk away . ( A friend came to babysit the other four children as of 8 : 30 , and another friend picked up Jörn at 8 : 40 for work . ) I had to go through three separate security checks , and at the second one they told me I couldn 't take anything except my papers , so I said ( out loud ) to Helen , " Okay Helen , no being hungry or pooping . " They ended up letting me take the wipes and a diaper after all , which they put in a page protector along with my wallet , but not the crackers . It 's a good thing Helen is very happy with mama - milk , because that 's all I was allowed to take in . The rest was put in a cubby , no problem . ( A friend of mine renewed her daughter 's passport in Frankfurt , Germany , a couple of weeks ago , and had to walk several blocks to a kiosk that does businesss taking a lot of money to hold cell phones of people going to the U . S . consulate - - no cubbies there ! ) When I got home , I was falling asleep while talking with the friend who had been babysitting , and she talked me into taking a nap . I DO NOT NAP . But I agreed to go lie down . I started to drift off almost immediately , at which point Marie came to tell me she had found something , then Jacob came to ask a question , and then Katie brought me my cell phone , as Jörn was calling . And then I actually went to sleep and slept an hour and a half . Tuesday I went to Tots in the morning , which despite having something like 20 children , is considerably more restful than my own five at home . Katie and Helen mostly bee - bop around doing their own thing - - I occasionally have to rescue some child 's hair from Helen , and I did play peekaboo with Helen in the playhouse for awhile , and she fell off of her chair during snack time , but nothing dramatic . Then we took Sue home and visited with her for a bit , but it got exhausting chasing Helen and telling Katie to keep her feet off of the furniture , etc . , so we were home in plenty of time for lunch . In the afternoon I let Marie stay home ( Jörn was out ) while I took Lukas to gymnastics , but I spent so much of the time trying to keep Helen and Katie off of the mats ( Jacob helped by chasing Helen a few times while I was dealing with Katie ) that I didn 't get to watch Lukas much or listen to the Greek . Tuesday evening we had a prayer meeting here , but only until about 10 : 00 . ( Oh , and I translated and proofread some things for a friend , but it wasn 't much . ) Wednesday I worked at the YWAM preschool - - oh yeah , kind of a major thing that I haven 't managed to mention here on the HOMESCHOOLBLOGGER blog , but as of last week , I 'm working Wednesdays and Fridays in a preschool . ( Those are the only two days that it happens . . . ) I take Katie and Helen , and there are two other preschool children , as well as the 6 - year - old daughter of the leader . I was VERY apprehensive about it all , but it 's working out well , and it 's so peaceful there . The three older children are at home with Jörn - - Wednesdays his regular meeting happens here at home ( the children have lists of independent and cooperative , non - parent - needed , work to do , and instructions to interrupt only if there 's blood , which there was this Wednesday , but not too serious ) , and Friday is Jörn 's morning off . Wednesday afternoon we went to Sue 's house to watch Swallows and Amazons - - the children had actually started watching it Sunday evening on the " new laptop " ( the one that we bought new just over a year ago , which has Vista , which we really , really can 't stand ) , but about 15 minutes into it it started getting funny and then quit altogether , and our permanently - borrowed computer doesn 't have a DVD player , and the " old laptop " ( the one I 'm using at the moment , bought used on E - bay 3 1 / 2 years ago and excellent in every way except for it 's tendency to need repairs that would cost thousands of Euros if we didn 't have friends who have done it for us for free twice in the last month . . . ) wasn 't working . Actually , by Wednesday it had been repaired again , but we 'd already arranged to go to Sue 's , and the children were REALLY excited about that . A much bigger screen and actual sound weren 't too bad , either . : - ) Shortly before we were going to leave there , we found out that the couple who was supposed to come to dinner at our house wasn 't coming after all , so we invited Sue and Richard to dinner . After dinner we played Settlers of Catan with them AND with Marie and Jacob ( who have been begging to play with Sue and Richard for ages ) , with Lukas , Katie , and Helen all trying to help . It was fun . I think . It was pretty loud , so kind of hard to tell . Then the children went to bed and we played a nice peaceful game . Today . . . Jacob complained that he got woken up by my shouting ( at Lukas , who had just dropped a rock about the size of Katie 's head within about two centimeters OF Katie 's head . . . ) , but I refused to apologize when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10 : 00 . Other than that , the day wasn 't too hectic . I took Lukas to gymnastics - - this time Jacob stayed home , and Marie and Katie watched , and I stayed in the car with Helen , who had just fallen asleep , and sorted photos on the laptop . Then a friend dropped off two of her children while taking another one of them to the doctor ( and she had her baby with her , too ) , so another couple of peaceful hours , because of course the children all went off to play . After the doctor 's appointment , they came back here for dinner , which was very nice , although a bit loud . But not as loud with nine children as it had been last night with only our five . . . I don 't get it . Our plan today was to go to the U . S . embassy in Nikosia to apply for a new passport for me ( according to the website , only open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 11 : 00 a . m . ) , and then to Ikea for a growing list of " needed " items . One potential item was some sort of brainstormed idea for a hamster cage , cheaper ( or at least bigger and nicer ) than the only hamster cage at the pet store we visited last week , so on the way to Nikosia , we stopped at another pet store in case they had more acceptable hamster cages . We also had something to pick up at the post office , so not knowing if it might be something big , we thought it would be better to drive there than to walk . Then we went to the post office . As one street was blocked off , we turned into another and I jumped out and walked to the post office . It was only an envelope , but it had come open , so I had to sign for it . ( It was the invitation to my host sister 's wedding in Costa Rica , which is of course cool , but as we can 't go , it made me sad . . . ) Then when I walked back to where I thought the car was . . . it wasn 't there . I walked back to the post office and retraced my steps , totally confused , wondering how I was ever going to figure out where we were parked , since I had obviously gotten it wrong . I wondered around several blocks , and as I returned the third or fourth time to where I thought the car had been , Jörn came driving around the corner . That WAS where he had been , but he 'd had to move , because someone parked ( and left ) their car just opposite ours , in the narrow one - way street , so nobody could get by . Because of all the one - way streets and several of them closed because of construction , it took him quite awhile to get back - - he couldn 't just drive around the block . Already running rather late , we finally headed out of town , with Helen screaming . We sang all of her favorite songs and a few others , and I finally said that it didn 't matter whether we made it to the embassy , but we HAD to stop . So we stopped , filled Helen up with mama - milk , and then kept going . I suppose there were speed - limit signs on the freeway , but I didn 't get the impression that my husband paid any attention to them . For that matter , nobody else did , either - - we were being passed more often than not . We found easily enough the place labled on the map as " U . S . Embassy " , arriving at 10 : 55 a . m . Rather than try to find someplace to park , I jumped out of the car while Jörn waited , to ask if this WAS the embassy ( there was plenty of barbed wire and several soldiers on duty , but it seemed rather strange that there was a Cypriot flag and a Greek flag , but no U . S . flag . . . ) , and if I could still get in 5 minutes before closing time . Well , it wasn 't - - it was a Cypriot army base , and has been for a very long time . They could tell me that the U . S . embassy was somewhere completely different , but not how to get there . So although now it was obviously too late , we thought we 'd at least head for the other side of town , near the presidential palace and the German embassy , to see if we could find the U . S . embassy to be able to get there more easily another day . We actually found it very easily - - it had a huge flag , flying high , which my husband spotted from the next street . ( And my German - born children started singing " The Star - Spangled Banner " when they saw it , which despite my 19 years outside of the U . S . and my general lack of patriotism , I thought was pretty cool ! ) Again , my husband stopped the car and I jumped out to ask the lady on duty if there was any chance that the website was wrong and I could still get in , although it was 11 : 15 . Well , the website was wrong : for U . S . citizens , the embassy is open from 7 : 30 a . m . to 4 : 00 p . m . , every day except for Cypriot and U . S . holidays . Today happens to be a U . S . holiday . I thought about it for a moment and said , " Oh . . . Columbus Day ? " but the lady didn 't know - - she 's from Romania and has lived in Cyprus for 20 years . This happens to be my 20th October outside of the U . S . ( making it more than half of my Octobers , as this is my 39th October . . . ) , the 19th consecutive one , so I 'm not too up on U . S . holidays . Back in the car , and we went to Ikea . We did find some of the stuff on our list , and some that wasn 't , but several things that were on our list were not to be found . That 's fairly typical of a trip to Ikea , so I suppose not so bad . And I 'll be going to Nikosia again at least twice in the relatively near future - - once to apply for my passport and once to pick it up - - so I can stop by Ikea again . When we got home , I wanted to put the passport application and all of our passports away , and couldn 't find the photos that I had taken last week . They were nowhere to be found - - not in my bag , not in the car . I even looked through all of the pages of all six passports ( Jörn had his own in his own bag - - I only had the children 's and mine ) and the three books in my bag , and finally cleaned out the car . I had everything on my lap between the not - embassy and the actual embassy , and my suspicion is that when I picked up my passport , wallet , and passport application to jump out of the car the second time , I missed the photos , so they fell off my lap ( and out of the car ) as I got out , and are now on the ground across the street from the U . S . embassy . I HATE having my photo taken , and it was actually the best passport photo I 'd ever gotten ( depsite the huge pimple on my chin ) , because Jacob was with me and made me laugh right before the photo was taken . Now I 'm feeling sulky ( because of the cost and the fact of another photo at all ) and have to go get more expensive stupid - sized photos taken , so it will be a much more typical photo that I 'll be stuck with for the next 10 years . ( The U . S . requires 5 cm by 5 cm - - and then CUTS THEM DOWN TO THE EXACT SAME SIZE AS EUROPEAN PASSPORT PHOTOS ! ! ! ! So I always have to pay extra for the weird size and only get two photos instead of four . For a short time ( I think Marie 's second passport and Lukas 's first , in the summer of 2002 ) , they did accept European passport photos , but mostly I 've had to get the U . S . - size ones - - that 's 11 passports just in the last 12 years , and two more are due for renewals next year . ) Jacob hasn 't liked sleeping in a bed since he was about four or five - - he 's mostly slept on the floor . For the last six months or so , Lukas has also been sleeping on the floor more often than not . Last week the boys cleaned their room completely , then put colored tape on the floor to define " Jacob 's " , " Lukas 's " , and " shared " areas of the room . In the process , Lukas gave me several blankets to put away , as he decided ( at the end of September , after four months of Cypriot summer . . . ) that it was really too warm for so many blankets . Last night he asked me to give him some blankets , as the floor was too hard . I said , " Well , you COULD sleep on the mattress , you know ! " His eyes lit up and he said , " That 's a good idea ! I can put the mattress on the floor under the bed , then when I throw toys on the bed , they won 't bounce ! ! " So now Lukas has his mattress on the floor under his bed . The same bed we brought to Cyprus because Lukas was so heartbroken at the thought of leaving it behind - - it was the only children 's bed we brought . He 's slept in it maybe three times since we came . But at least he has a good place to keep toys without them bouncing . What I haven 't figured out yet is why we bought Jacob a bed when we got here . He didn 't want one , and didn 't want to lose that space in his room , but I thought he should have one . Maybe for the same reason my parents insisted on getting me a bed ( a futon , actually ) when I gave my bed to my little sister when she was big enough for a bed , since I preferred sleeping on the floor anyway and didn 't want a bed taking space up in my room . Not that I know what that reason was , nor do I know why I preferred sleeping on the floor myself . . . When we moved to Cyprus in January this year , the only bicycle we brought was Lukas 's . It 's a very sturdy beginning bicycle that I bought used for Marie nearly eight years ago , and Marie , Jacob , and Lukas all learned to ride on it . ( Well , actually Lukas learned to ride on a friend 's bike , but perfected his technique with this one . ) Marie 's and Jacob 's bicycles were both falling apart and I ran out of time to pack mine and left it with a friend , thinking maybe to bring it out to Cyprus some time in the future , Jörn doesn 't ride a bike , and Katie and Helen don 't , either . I also brought the bike trailer . I bought the bike trailer when Marie was three months old and used it ( in December , in Germany , no less ! ) quite a lot for about a month . Then we moved so that my husband 's great - aunt could come to live with us . The combined facts of having the bicycle and trailer in a very hard - to - get - to place in the cellar , and not wanting to be gone for longer than necessary from the great - aunt , meant that I didn 't use the trailer again until about three years later , with both Marie and Jacob , and used it all of once , I think . ( Maybe twice ? ) Then we moved again and it was much easier to get the bike and trailer out , so I used it once to go to playgroup , was concerned about how horribly dizzy I got , then found out I was pregnant with Lukas . Oh , and the last seven and a half years in Germany , we lived at the top of a very long , very steep street . That meant that going anywhere was easy , coming home was a pain . So between weather , pregnancies , great public transportation , being out of the country , and laziness . . . well , I used the trailer maybe half a dozen times in all those years . But I still like the IDEA very much , and where we live in Cyprus is much flatter ! But a bike trailer without a bike isn 't much use , so a month or two after arriving , we bought a ( very ) used bicycle for me , which turned out to need new tires ( which I didn 't get ) , and a bike for Jacob , which is great - - especially as it was only 10 Euros . Then a couple of months ago we finally got bikes for Marie and for me . We rode them home , and parked them - - it was WAY too hot for me to be willing to go bike - riding ! This afternoon , though , I realized that the weather is finally perfect , so pumped up the tires of the bike trailer , put Katie and Helen in it , and the boys and I went for a short , but glorious , bike ride along the salt lake . ( Which , incidentally , had quite a lot of water in it for several days last week , and still has a little bit ! ) Helen looked confused and curious as I buckled her in , but within about five seconds of starting , she was humming to hear the funny sound that makes going over bumps . : - ) She absolutely loved it . I had a hard time keeping up with the boys , but blamed it on the 35 or so kilos I was pulling , not on the mumble - mumble kilos on my saddle . Yes , there are about four months of the year that it 's too hot for ME to be willing to ride a bike ( the boys were riding all summer long ) , but the public transportation here is between bad and non - existant , and we only have one car , and it 's basically flat all around here , and it doesn 't rain much , sooooo . . . I hope that today 's bike ride doesn 't stay the only one this year ! For that matter , I would like to go for another , longer , ride with all the children tomorrow , and on Tuesday might even use the bikes " for real " , rather than walking to playgroup . The traffic conditions are a bit scary , so I 'm not sure about that yet . We 'll have to see how the " practice " goes tomorrow , especially with Lukas . Nobody is supposed to ride on the sidewalk , not even children , but the worst stretch traffic - wise has a really wide sidewalk , and when we walked to playgroup last week there were hardly any people there , so I 'm thinking we might just ride on the sidewalk and see what happens . To start with , we 've just had a somewhat . . . challenging . . . three weeks with a visitor , so I started off the evening last night tired . I do know that I 've gotten better and better at packing over the years , all the same , it puzzled me how it could take a single guy about 4 times longer to pack for himself than it takes me to pack for seven people . At the end , despite the fact that he 'd taken dozens of stones from the beach here ( not entirely sure that that 's legal . . . ) and bought hundreds of Euros ' worth of clothes ( much cheaper here than in Germany , apparently - - I wouldn 't know , as I don 't shop either place . . . ) , he was surprised to find that his suitcase was seven kilograms overweight . At 1 : 15 this morning , as my husband ( Jörn ) was more than ready to leave for the airport , " G " started going on and on about how they 'd be sure to look the other way , etc . and that he was just going to risk it . ( On the way here he had six kilos too much and got away with it by saying , " Look , I 'm visiting a family with five children who moved to Cyprus seven months ago - - they need their chocolate and Haribo ! " The lady apparently said , " I shouldn 't do this , but . . . " and let him get away with it . He thinks he charmed her , I think she was tired of listening to him talk . I 'm not feeling very charitable , I have to admit . ) But we asked what his plan of action was if they didn 't ( at 22 Euros per kilo too much , that would be an expensive seven kilos ! ! ) , and he was quite surprised to realize that Jörn , who was supposed to work at 7 : 00 a . m . today , only intended to drop him off at the airport and come back home - - not hang around for an hour or so . So G decided to re - pack and leave things here for us to ship to him . Then just before 1 : 30 , as they ( Jörn and G ) were about to head out the door , half an hour later than intended , Lukas came into the living room and said sleepily , " Jacob fell out of bed . " That was rather surprising , not only as Jacob is ten years old and has never fallen out of bed before , but also because he very rarely sleeps IN bed - - he usually sleeps on the floor . I asked if he was crying or bleeding and Lukas said yes to both , so I headed to see what was up - - Jörn , the less lazy and more compassionate parent of the two , had already gone to Jacob . I found Jacob sitting on the bathroom floor , Jörn cleaning blood from Jacob 's face and trying to locate the source of the bleeding to stop it . Jacob had a gash on his cheek over an inch long . It wasn 't until we got to the hospital that we realized that the blood caked all over his eyebrow was not from the same wound , but from a similar gash on his eyebrow . The thought of G missing his flight just did not bear thinking of , and Jacob was dizzy and there was an awful lot of blood on his bedroom floor and leading to the bathroom , so we didn 't want to wait for Jörn to take G to the airport and come back , and even though we temporarily ( as of yesterday afternoon ) have two cars , we also didn 't want to leave sleeping children on their own . ( I might have been tempted to if they 'd all been asleep - - I would have woken up Marie and told her what we were doing - - but Lukas was still awake and had started crying again because G was leaving . Having no idea how long I 'd be gone , it wouldn 't have been a good idea anyway . ) So Jörn took G to the aiport in the borrowed car and I called Richard . Richard answered his phone extremely coherently for 1 : 30 a . m . and came over right away , and I put Helen ( who had been awake since 12 : 30 and I hadn 't even bothered trying to get back to sleep , as she was useful in helping keep me awake until G 's departure ) and Jacob into our car and drove to the hospital . The emergency room looked crowded when we walked in , but I quickly realized that all the people there were with only one person , who was already being seen to , and we were taken straight into an examining room . When Jörn and I had taken Lukas to the emergency room in April ( while , incidentally , Richard 's wife , Sue , babysat the other children ) , they hadn 't let me go with him because of Helen , so being there on my own this time I was prepared to fight to stay with him , but they didn 't blink an eye at Helen this time . ( Well , actually , they all blinked lots of eyes at Helen , flirting madly with her as she flirted back ! ! ) They discussed back and forth about whether they should stitch or use Steri - Strips ( I didn 't get a whole lot of the conversation , as it was in Greek , but " Steri - Strips " in Greek is . . . roll of drums . . . " Steri - Strips " ) and finally settled on Steri - Strips . Jacob was great , squeezing my hand tight and groaning a tiny bit , but holding his head perfectly still , as three people worked on him . We of course were asked how it happened , and I said that Jacob said he fell out of bed and must have landed on Legos or something - - who knows , as he has a ten - year - old boy 's bedroom . The doctor looked rather skeptical , which made me very uncomfortable , and he examined Jacob all over , also finding two bruises on his leg . Jacob said he was coming down the ladder ( his bed is a " captain 's bed " - - higher than a regular bed , but not by a lot - - the ladder only has two rungs ) and slipped , and he didn 't know what he 'd hit . After they 'd finished with the Steri - Strips and were filling out a form for getting an x - ray , Jörn arrived . Yes , I CAN manage an emergency run to the hospital on my own ( have a bit too much experience as it is ) , but it 's SO much easier with my husband there , too , and I was very glad to see him ! Jacob had the x - ray ( he said they took three or four , all of his head ) , they checked the x - rays and said that he was fine , and we were told to keep him quiet and not to let the wounds get wet for four or five days . The doctor told Jacob no skateboarding or football , that this was a time to sit inside and play computer games , at which Jacob looked insulted and said , " I 'll read . " ( That cracked me up , as he likes computer games at least as much as his mother does and plays even more , but I 'm glad he also thought of reading ! ) Anyway , fun fun - - keep him quiet and dry . We 've gone to the beach nearly every day for the last three months , and on the evenings we don 't go , Jacob plays loud and wild games of hide - and - seek and tag with the neighborhood children . I figure I 'll at least catch up on the reading - aloud that I 've meant to do but haven 't , because Jacob is usually running around outside . . . To finish the story , we got home and let Richard go home to his own bed , Jacob went to bed in our bed , and Helen and I went to bed in Katie 's bed . ( Katie and Marie have a bunk bed with a single bed on top and a double bed underneath . On any given night they might both be on the top , both be on the bottom , or one in each - - last night Marie was in the top bunk and Katie was in the bottom . ) I first removed a coloring book , several marking pens , three stones , and a spinning top , then there was plenty of room for us . Katie woke up and was very , very pleased to see us in her bed , but Helen was not at all pleased to have Katie 's arm around her . Despite the fact that it was 3 : 00 a . m . I had a hard time falling asleep , not being able to read first , but eventually managed , and the next thing I knew it was 7 : 15 . Jörn had set his alarm for 7 : 00 , so he could call and say he 's not going to work this morning and was already back asleep . And now it 's time to leave to take the children to the last day of holiday club ( VBS for U . S . ians ) , and Jacob wants to go too , so I 'm going to be staying . My bet is that within half an hour , Jacob will decide it 's too loud anyway and want to come home . I 've seen various forms of these rules , which totally crack me up . The scary part for me is how many people don 't even get the joke ! Anyway , here 's one list , which I found while trying to figure out where the list originated . This was the best explanation , in my opinion , and below is a partial list . Enjoy ! Okay , so I was born in Southern California , in a place called Oceanside , which is even actually right by the ocean , and we apparently went to the beach on a regular basis . But I don 't remember it at all , and we moved north when I was 3 1 / 2 or 4 . The first time I actually remember being to the beach was when I was 12 - - we went to Disneyland and camped near the beach , and I loved it . As I recall , it was all stones - - no annoying sand . The next time I remember was when I was 18 , went to Disneyland again ( this time with my high school graduating class ) , and I hated it , but I don 't think that had to do with the beach itself , even though it was sandy , but with the fact that I did NOT want to be on that trip and had a bad attitude about it the whole time . I 'm sure I 'd been to the beach other times during my childhood , but I honestly don 't remember them . Mom ? Sibs ? Do any of you read my blog ? When I was 18 I went to Mexico for a year , lived six hours from the coast , and went with the youth group to the beach over a weekend , which also happened to be my birthday . Except for getting sunburned after sitting in the back of a pickup truck for six hours , and the campfire where they all sang happy birthday to me and each and every person gave me a hug ( I love Latin America ! ) , I don 't remember much from that time , either . Is it possible I didn 't even go in the water ? I 've also been to the beach several times in Costa Rica : once with the group of exchange students when I was there the first time in 1988 , once with my host brother and some of his friends ( I think in 1993 , but not sure ) , and once with most of the family two years ago . We did have a wonderful time , but the sand was all over the place and irritating . Having the outdoor shower in the house where we stayed was very helpful . Oh yes , and we spent a couple of days at the beach in Thailand three years ago . I didn 't want to be there ( at the beach , that is - - I loved the eight weeks in Thailand that we spent with the PEOPLE ) , hating being surrounded by tourists and sand . I annoyed my family and my friends by singing Sandra Boynton 's wonderful song , " Tropical Sand . " Here 's my favorite line from the first verse : You like the tropical sun and the tropical sea , But hey , mon , Alaska sounds good to me . And we now live in Cyprus , where the furthest distance from the beach isn 't very far , and we live in Larnaca , right on the coast . Without children I could probably walk to the beach in 20 minutes , we can certainly drive there in less than five minutes ( parking and getting into and out of the car take longer than the drive ) , but I DON ' T LIKE SAND . People had been telling me since January that we 'd be going to the beach regularly once it got hot , and I was skeptical . I love being in the water , but I don 't like sand , and I don 't like the sun much , either . When my brother visited at the end of March we did go to the beach for an hour , but it was cold ( which was nice ) and only three of the children even went into the water . Wind kept blowing sand in my face and I sang my favorite beach song again . In the middle of May a friend took us sailing , and the beach there was all stones , which I liked very much , but the children missed sand . So . . . by the end of May , my husband had found the perfect beach for us , in Pervolia , about 15 minutes away . Once I 've gone to all the hassle of getting everyone and all the stuff into the car , I really don 't care if we drive 15 minutes instead of five , especially for this perfect beach . It has stones where our stuff all stays sand - free , and right at the water it has sand for the children to play in . It stays shallow for a very long way , so I 'm not paranoid about the children , and the very best part : when we go around 4 : 30 or 5 : 00 in the afternoon , we have SHADE - - even in the water ! And there are hardly any people there , and most of the people we 've seen are Cypriots , not tourists . I 've even had a couple of good exchanges with non - English - speaking Cypriots , and they 're very hard to find . So for the last five weeks or so we have been to the beach three or four times every week , and we 've been loving it . Yesterday , however , we couldn 't go to " our " beach , because we had a homeschool families get - together at the beach here in Larnaca , which is all sand . We did find a little bit of shade from the lifeguard station , but there was sand in everything and on everything , and there were people all over . I did enjoy the part where I was in the water , and I very much enjoyed having the time with the other parents , but I 'm looking forward to going to Pervolia tonight . I 'm going to have to get used to sand , though , too , as the homeschoolers want to meet at the beach every week , and our housegroup will be meeting at the beach every other week throughout the summer , starting tomorrow . And yesterday I promised my husband that I would NOT sing the best beach song that was ever written , so I didn 't . And that 's the point of this post - - getting to sing the song ! : - ) First , a semantics disclaimer : the word " homeschooling " for me does not say anything about our " homeschooling style " , just that our children don 't attend traditional school , public or private ! We 're fairly relaxed , which translates to wildy disorganized in the eyes of the highly structured , yet far too structured in the eyes of the true " free - learners . " I can live with that . : - ) Anyway , as I was saying . . . Last week , with the whole family in the car , and for no particular reason , I asked my oldest daughter ( Marie , 11 years and 9 months old ) if she likes being homeschooled . She said , " Umm . . . yeah , I guess so . " I asked why , and she said because she hates getting up early . ( She went to public school for six months in third grade , nearly four years ago , and yes , she hated getting up every single school day of those six months . ) I asked if she would want to go to school if she could start at , say , at 10 : 00 , and she said maybe . Then I told her that it 's really okay to say what she thinks , that I wasn 't trying to get her to answer what she might think I would like to hear , but that I really wanted to know . So she went on to say that at school she really liked art class and misses that , and she enjoyed recess and playing with the other children , and the rest was okay except for P . E . We talked about it a little longer and she admitted she likes math at home better ( that surprised me - - at the time , she seemed quite happy with the ridiculously easy busywork , not bothered in the slightest by not being challenged ) , and she likes all the reading we do , and she likes having lots of time to read on her own . It came down to that if she could do " flexi - schooling " , which I recently read about in a book called " Free - range Education " , she would probably like that very much , but that if that 's not an option , homeschooling is better than going to school , although kind of in a " lesser of two evils " type of way . Not very encouaraging , really , but a good chat . Then I turned to my 10 - year - old son , Jacob , and asked him the same question . From him came the enthusiastic , " YES ! ! Of course ! " I asked why , and he said , " Because I can get up when I want to and read what I want to and learn what I want to and however I want to and wherever I want to and I can think what I want to and say what I want to and nobody teases me and I can play with the friends I want to play with and do the things I want to do . " I purposely didn 't put any punctuation in there , because he definitely didn 't use any while speaking ! We talked a bit more , but there wasn 't much more to say . From my point of view , he totally " gets " why we 're homeschooling . ( He attended first grade for six months , at the same time Marie was in third grade . ) Just to finish off , I asked my nearly - seven - year - old son , Lukas , if he likes being homeschooled , and the little ham said , " Yes , because I get to spend more time with my mother . " As a friend of mine wrote on her blog about her son a few weeks ago , he would probably make a great politician , but we have higher hopes for him . I did talk a bit more with Lukas , but as he 's never been to school , he doesn 't have anything to compare it to , and it boiled down to the fact that he 's quite happy with his life . Then Katie ( will be four next month ) said , " Mommy , you didn 't ask me ! " so I said , " Okay , Katie , do you like being homeschooled ? " She put on her silly little " I 'm - pretending - to - be - shy - because - so - many - people - think - that 's - cute " face and said , " Yes . " I dutifully continued with , " Why do you like it ? " and she said , " Because I get to do math ! " When Lukas finished Earlybird 2B several months ago , Katie took over his book , constantly asking me to do it with her . I finally got her her own book , Earlybird 1A , a few weeks ago , which was a bit silly , because she finished half of the book in about three sittings . Whatever . Just to be silly , I then turned to Helen , nine months old , and said , " So , Helen , do you want to be homeschooled , too ? " and Marie responded extremely emphatically , " Yes , definitely ! " I was rather surprised , after her own rather wishy - washy response , and asked why she was so sure that Helen would like being homeschooled . Marie 's response , " Because Helen has strong opinions . " Very interesting . I asked then if one can 't have strong opinions at school , and Marie got kind of quiet again and finally said , " Well , yes , but you can 't do anything about them . You 're sort of supposed to think the same things the other kids think , and like the same things and have the same things , and you 're not really supposed to like math or like the teachers or anything like that . " I asked her if she didn 't have any strong opinions herself , and she said she does now , and wouldn 't let people change them anyway , but that would be one reason she wouldn 't want to go to school ALL the time , because it would be too exhausting keeping her own opinions . Last week - - Jacob dropped something in the bathroom sink and it ( the sink / washbasin ) broke . It was replaced yesterday . Now we know a nice English - speaking plumber . This afternoon - - Lukas was climbing up the side of the veranda and he and the concrete slab on top of the brick planters that make up the walls of the veranda crashed to the concrete ground . Now we know where the hospital is and Lukas has had his first x - ray , but his ankle is thankfully only sprained , not broken . I 'm supposed to keep a six - year - old boy still and with his foot up for five days . So she played with the frog for awhile , singing some version or another of this song , but then decided the frog needed speckles , as it was only plain green . After a long family discussion about the frog 's ownership , it was determined that it was Jacob 's frog , but he never denies his little sister anything he can grant her , so he carefully speckled the frog with a permanent marker . Delighted , Katie continued to play and sing , and this was her latest version of the song , fitting the melody perfectly , with the text as near as I can remember it : Her explanation was that as it landed on its back ( she 'd of course tossed it up in the air to land in the " pond " ) , it was dead like the cockroach we found in the shower this morning . Which reminded us that we 'd found a dead cockoach in the shower this morning and hadn 't done anything about it , so went to look at it to think some more about it , and discovered that it WASN ' T dead , after all ! ! It was on its back , but wiggling its legs . We put a yogurt pot over it while we decide what to do next . Yuck . I 've been wanting to write a blog post with this title for a week ! Several times since we moved into this house , I 've managed to wake up and GET up before Katie did , and have gone for a walk down by the salt lake . Last week when I did that , there were snails EVERYWHERE . Not wanting to step on them ( in all honesty , not so much because of caring about snails , but because of not wanting yucky squished snail on my sandals . . . ) , I spent most of the time watching carefully where I was walking , which involved a lot of back - and - forth , or slow motion swerving . Snail slalom . Almost all of the snails were crossing the path from south to north , except for in one short section where they were crossing north to south . Very weird . I went for another walk the day before yesterday and played snail slalom again , but there weren 't quite as many , so I got to enjoy the scenery a bit more . I also discovered that we 're pretty much right in the middle of the four - kilometer - long path - - it took me 21 minutes to walk to one end of it , and 23 minutes to walk to the other end . Since it 's about half a kilometer down to the path , that 's a five - kilometer walk if I go to one end only and back home . Not very far , but a first step towards my goal of running a marathon before I 'm 58 . I take Helen with me in the sling , so I can 't jog even if I could jog , which I can 't . When I played snail slalom the day before yesterday , I didn 't wear socks with my sandals and got blisters on both big toes and on one heel . I feel like such a wimp . I would have liked to go down to the salt lake this morning to watch the sunrise , but I pretended that the fact that my favorite sling is in the laundry was the reason I didn 't , not my limping . So . . . this morning I actually set the alarm , for 4 : 55 , and went up on the roof , instead . The sunrise is officially around 6 : 30 a . m . , but it 's light long before that , and the part I like best is watching it get light . I got Helen back to sleep and left her in bed with Papa and went up at 5 : 15 , just in time . Because of the lights from the airport , the streetlamps , and the brightness of the moon , I 'm not sure if there was any light from the sun or not yet - - east didn 't really look any different from any other direction . By 5 : 30 , it was definitely dawning , and the streetlights went off at about 5 : 45 . Despite the telephone lines and the buildings and the lack of mountains , I enjoyed it very much . Having celebrated the Son - Rise by myself on the roof , I came back downstairs at about 6 : 15 , in a much better mood than I 'd been in yesterday , ready to continue celebrating the Resurrection with my family . I made Easter bread , using Greek yogurt instead of Quark , guessing at the amount of baking powder because my recipe said " a packet of baking powder " , adding a lot more flour than the recipe said to get the right consistancy , and leaving it in the oven for about twice as long as the recipe said , and it still turned out fine ! While it was in the oven I put eggs on to boil and went outside to take down laundry and completely forgot about the eggs . 10 of the 12 were cracked , but I dyed all of them anyway , and set the table with a miniature chocolate egg on each plate . Everyone liked the bread and the eggs and the children were glad that we had a treat after all , after we 'd cancelled the egg - dying yesterday due to the enormous gap between parental expectations and children 's behavior . After breakfast the children even made butterflies and eggs with coffee filters , paper towels , and the left - over egg dye . I felt very domestic and organized . That does happen , once every couple of years or so , but it wears off quickly . At 10 : 00 we went to the worship service of a church we 've sort of kind of decided that we might mostly go to semi - regularly , and then afterwards went to a multi - lingual house church for lunch and fellowship ( and learning Greek ! ) , and didn 't get home until nearly 6 : 00 p . m . And now it 's 8 : 00 and I 'd actually like to be getting the children ready for bed , but we didn 't eat lunch until nearly 3 : 00 and haven 't even had dinner yet , and now a friend is here playing Ligretto with the children , so I 'm at the computer . I 'm not sure what we 're doing next Sunday , which is when the Greek Orthodox celebrate Easter . Okay , the friend is going to continue playing Ligretto with the children , and Jörn ( and Helen ) and I are going to walk to the bakery ALL BY OURSELVES and buy bread ! Yay ! So for the quick update : " here " is the wonderful guest flat ( apartment to my compatriots ) we had asked to stay in for two or three weeks and actually stayed in for SIX AND A HALF WEEKS ! It was wonderful and we 're very grateful - thank you , thank you , Sue and Richard ! And the reason I 'm " here " at the moment is because we don 't have telephone / internet in our house yet , so I 'm checking e - mail , etc . ( Too much etc . - I 'm sorry I 'm so behind on answering e - mails , but I DO always answer eventually , you know I do , A and M ! ) And yes , our things arrived on Thursday ( yay ! ) and nothing was broken ( yay ! again and a huge thank you to Neema and Judy , who packed most of the dishes ! ) , but we didn 't actually move ourselves in until yesterday . I still haven 't figured out how to put photos on here ( yes , you can tell me what to click , and it should be obvious , but when I 've tried , it hasn 't worked ) , but I 'll get photos onto Facebook at least . Eventually . Don 't hold your breath . Moving progress : our crates arrived in Limassol last Friday and we were able to sign the customs papers here in Larnaca , and today they finally called to say that they 're actually going to deliver our stuff to us TOMORROW ! They 'll call tomorrow to say what time . It 's good that we 're flexible . : - ) And a Katie - funny : as usual , she was in our bed far too early this morning , around 6 : 20 , talking and singing and I - don 't - know - what , as I was still trying to sleep . At 7 : 15 I got up and went to the bathroom . As I walked back into the bedroom , Katie was climbing out of bed and saying to my husband , " I 'm going to Mommy . " She had her back sort of to me , so I dashed around the bed and under the blanket on my husband 's side - - he saw me coming and held the blanket up , then pulled it over my head quickly . I don 't know HOW Katie missed seeing me , but she did , and went out of the room . She came back , leaned on me ( through the blanket ) to talk to Papa , asking where Mommy is . I managed not to giggle out loud , but was shaking holding the laughter in . She said , " What 's that ? ! " and pulled the blanket back and saw me . Then she said , " Oh , Mommy ! There you are ! I thought it was a octo - plus ! " |
I WAS NEVER GIVING UP FIFTH IN THE SERIES BY KATHY DE A young man sat in a chair in his prison garb with his hands in cuffs . He stared at his brother from the jail side of the wire visitor 's screen . His older brother sat on the freedom side . " Not my problem is it ? I ain 't gonna be seen sitting in no police station or talking to no cops ! Take care , li ' l brother . " " Well , he 's serving ten years so my guess is a lighter sentence . He says he 's got some inside information he wants to share . He 'll meet you in the Tombs any time today . " Catherine wrinkled her nose as she indicated the file he just gave her . " Lovely . Let me read through these notes , and then I 'll head over to see how good his inside information is . " " Yeah , just be careful , " Joe said distractedly as he rifled through files on his desk . Catherine sat at her desk and scanned through the file then left the office . Once outside the prison , she took a deep breath then sighed as she walked inside . She walked up to the guard and showed him the paperwork and her ID . " Hi , I 'm Catherine Chandler . I 'm here from the District Attorney 's office . I understand the prisoner indicated on this form would like to speak with someone from my office . " Ralph shook his head as he looked through the papers on his desk . " Because these guys are the scum of the earth and no one ever wants to go in there . Women usually have it worse . They 're gonna say stuff to you that 'd make a sailor blush . You got a thick skin ? " " I can hold my own . " Catherine said as she held her chin up defiantly . " All right ! " Ralph nodded and looked at her with a newfound respect . " I tell you what ; I 'll set you up in a private room so you don 't have to hear the crap these guys spew . " Catherine walked into the room and took a seat . While she waited , she tried to clear her mind and remember that these prisoners were human beings and deserved to be treated with respect . Maybe this guy would have useful information , maybe he wouldn 't ; but he at least deserved to be heard . She looked up at him distrustfully as he was escorted into the room . " I 'm Catherine Chandler with the District Attorney 's office . Mr . . . . " Catherine scanned her paperwork looking for a last name . Catherine shot him an angry look . " Yeah , well I guess it 's this chick 's lucky day . " She moved forward in her seat and her voice became low and threatening . " They say you know someone who witnessed a murder . You got a name , or am I wasting my time ? " At her display of anger , a flash of uncertainty crossed Willie 's eyes . " I got a name . He comes forward , I get my sentence reduced , right ? " Catherine sat back in her seat and snorted as she shook her head in disgust . " Yeah , that 's the game . We put one scumbag in and another one gets let out . Now , when can he come in to testify ? " Willie leaned forward in his seat , and his eyes were filled with desperation . " I 'm hoping you won 't . I got a kid on the way , and my girl 's gonna need me . " " That guy I beat up was my girl 's father . Her mother gave her that car before she died , but we didn 't have the money to change the title yet . The old man beat up my girl and stole her keys ; he wanted to sell the car and keep the money . I took her to the clinic ; and when we got back , she went to lie down , and I went to get the car . " Catherine debated about believing him , and he looked at her again . " You can believe me or not , but it 's the truth . " Catherine sized him up for a few minutes and was impressed that he kept eye contact with her . She didn 't like it ; but she wasn 't going to let a murderer go free , and this guy knew it . She nodded . " Fine , when and where ? " Willie was excited . He didn 't think she would agree to the terms . He had a newfound respect for this gutsy lady sitting in front of him . " See my man Shake . He 'll be at the bar , corner of 7th and Broom , tomorrow night … ten o ' clock . " Catherine rolled her eyes . " Shake ? You want me to go into that neighborhood and meet a guy named Shake ? Why on earth should I trust that your good buddy , Shake , is going to tell me anything useful ? He could just be lying to get you out of here . Afraid she wouldn 't go , Willie looked at her worriedly . " He won 't lie . His real name is Tommy , but he hasn 't answered to that in fourteen years . And he 's not my buddy , he 's my brother . " " Tommy don 't want to be seen talking to no cops ! He won 't do it if word gets out that he 's a snitch ! " " That 's a game changer isn 't it ? " Catherine rolled her eyes with disgust . " Thanks , lady . " Catherine nodded and packed up her notepad then rose to leave when Willie called out a warning to her . " Hey , be careful down there . . . it can get pretty rough . " Catherine looked at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes . She nodded and offered him a slight smile . " Thanks . " She turned to leave then turned back . " If I decide to go , and it 's a really big if … I promise I 'll go alone . " She headed to his office where he motioned for her to sit . He opened up the top file on his desk . " This case on Dennis Crane . . . you were able to get depositions from all the witnesses ? " She smiled shyly at him . " It 's my secret . " When he rolled his eyes she continued . " Fine , I 'll tell you ! Family dinner , every Sunday , two o ' clock at the diner on 26th , caught them all there at one time . " Catherine shrugged . Joe closed the file and picked up another . " Larry McGovern ? You got his brother - in - law to testify against him ? Where 'd ya find him ? " Catherine blushed . " Well only one . . . but he was so impressed that I tried to shoot them in high heels he decided to answer all my questions . " Joe laughed out loud . Catherine narrowed her eyes and pretended to look indignant . " That was his response too . At least I tried ! " Catherine shook her head . " Wrong place , wrong time . The guy didn 't do it . He was with his dying mother at a hospice center that night . Signed in , and the head nurse and director testified he was there all night . Mother died in the early morning , and cops arrested him when he went to her house . " Joe pinned her with a level gaze , and Catherine looked at him uncertainly . If he hadn 't liked the time , just wait until he heard about the place . " Lower east side , Broome Street . " Joe angrily flew around his desk and approached her . " Are you crazy ? ! No ! No way ! You 're not going ! That 's the worst damn neighborhood in the city ! " Catherine looked up at him with conviction in her eyes . " I have to , Joe ! The guy says the witness won 't talk unless I come to him . " " Yeah , I bet he did ! " Joe was furious . " You call for back up ? " Catherine guiltily looked down and Joe knew she hadn 't . " Damn it , Cathy ! You know protocol calls for … . " " Joe , I 'm a big girl . I can handle it . I promise I 'll be careful . I 'll have the cab driver wait outside for me ; and at the first sign of trouble , I swear I 'll head out , I promise ! " " Okay , I guess that 's it then . " She reached up and squeezed his arms to reassure him then turned and left the office . Joe watched her leave and shook his head . Not one of his other investigators would have given up nights and weekends to do what she had been doing . She gave her life to this place . His eyes narrowed as he thought about how easily she had agreed with him . He wondered if she would go against his wishes and interview the witness anyway . That night , after changing into more comfortable clothes , Catherine was coming out of her bathroom when she glanced at her balcony . Vincent was walking around outside . She grabbed her coat and walked out to meet him . When he saw her coming , he retreated to the shadows , leaning back against the wall . Catherine came out , walked over to him and hugged him then pulled back slightly smiling up at him . " It 's so good to see you ! I haven 't seen you in a while . " Vincent knew she referred to the stitches he got when Jason Walker grazed him across his chest before he jumped on a vine and fell to his death in the Abyss . " They 're out . Everything 's healed . " Catherine nodded and went inside to grab the book and a blanket . She and Vincent settled down on the floor of her balcony and leaned back against the rail . They read for several hours until Vincent felt her growing tired . He closed the book and got to his feet , then offered her a hand and helped her up . " It 's late ; you should rest . Perhaps we could finish this tomorrow . " " I wanted you to know I would rather be here with you . I 'm glad you came tonight , though . I wanted to see you ; and if it weren 't for this ten o ' clock appointment , I 'd be able to visit with you tomorrow night , too . " Catherine looked up at Vincent and quickly explained who was calling . " That 's my boss , Joe . " " It must be an important meeting for you to be going out so late . " She smiled after he left . Their bond was one of the most important things in her life . She cherished his friendship and was glad he could overlook her mistakes and the pain she had caused him in the past . She was honored that her friendship meant just as much to him . That night , she hailed a taxi that took her to the lower east side of the city . The driver was leery about taking her there ; but she offered him a generous tip , so he took her to the address she provided . There was no bar around that she could see ; she asked him to wait , and even tried to bribe him , but he said no and took off quickly . She walked the abandoned streets as thoughts raced through her mind . " What am I doing here alone ? How do I get myself into these situations ? Am I out of my mind ? " Vincent had been walking through the tunnels when he felt Catherine 's fear and anxiousness through the bond . He ran full speed and caught the nearest subway train then hopped off at a location near where he thought she was . He kept to the shadows in the alleys as he looked for her , wondering why she was in this neighborhood . Catherine was walking past an alleyway when someone reached out and touched her arm . She flung her arm free , recoiling in surprise and fear , gasping for breath . She looked up at Vincent 's familiar face and tried to catch her breath . She smiled at him in relief . " Vincent ! You scared me . " She nodded in acknowledgment . " I 'm supposed to meet a witness . He set the time and place . " " Can you trust him ? " She shrugged . " It 's worth the gamble . " He nodded . " Sometimes your fear can keep you alive . You should listen to it more often . " He hoped she would use her gut instincts to keep herself safe . She nodded , smiling , thankful for his advice . He knew she was scared , and he still worried about her being here alone . " I 'll come with you . " She shook her head . " No I have to go alone . I gave my word . " He tried to comfort her . " Know that I 'll be near . " Catherine went to walk away , then turned back . " Vincent , how did you get here so fast ? " Catherine nodded as she began to walk down the street . She thought about what he said , then realized he couldn 't ride inside the car like a regular person . She turned back with a question in her eyes , but he had already faded into the shadows . She made a mental note to ask him what he meant by " the subway " . She felt safer already , comforted by the fact that he was nearby . Vincent would be close if she needed him , and no one would ever know he was there because he moved so stealthily through the shadows . Catherine finally found the " bar " she was looking for . As she walked around , she noted that at one time it had actually been a bar , but now it looked like an abandoned building . This had to be the location of the gang 's headquarters . She entered to find the place empty , and she walked around quietly , sensing they were there somewhere . A door opened in the back , and a group of tough looking men entered the room . They were definitely a gang . She was nervous and swallowed hard as they scattered themselves around the room . She addressed them . " Which one of you is Shake ? " A blond man with dark sunglasses stepped forward . " That 'd be me . " He approached menacingly . " You the lawyer lady ? " She nodded keeping a close watch on him . " I 'm with the DA 's office … yes , " " I talk to you , my man Willie gets cut some slack ? " " I can 't make any promises . He 'll do some time . But if you help us , I think we can get the charges reduced . He 'll do a year , two at the outside . " " That 's cool . He can handle that . " He smiled and started circling around her as she turned to keep a watchful eye on him . " Sit down . Can I get you a beer or something ? " Surprised by his manners , she chose to ignore them and press on . " Willie says you saw the convenience store owner beaten to death outside his market , that you can identify the guy that did it . Is that true ? " He drew closer , too close for comfort . " Don 't push babe , I like to ease into things … feel my way around . " He reached forward and touched her , hands moving over her body . " Probably looking for a gun , " she thought . She quickly stepped away from him as he laughed at her , and at her fear . She became indignant . " Fine , you can feel your way in to Attica to see your buddy . " She forcefully tried to walk past him . He threw up his arm blocking her progress . " You 're cold lady . Sit down and we 'll talk . " Shake continued with his story . " His name 's Chris . . . he 's the number one gun for a gang named the Silks . Ever heard of them ? " She shook her head no . " I 'm listening , " she prompted . " Well , all they wear are suits , even the chicks . Chris got him a good source for those suits , new ones all the time , price tags still on them . " " Stolen . " " Oh … protection … shakin ' down store owners … takin ' it out in trade . " Outside , a car stealthily crept down the street stopping in front of the bar Catherine was in . Five men , dressed in designer suits , got out of the car . Armed with heavy duty weapons , they began shooting at the building . Catherine threw herself on the floor and rolled under the pool table for cover . Shake , the man she was interviewing , was on the floor injured , shot by a bullet but still alive . Vincent helped Catherine up and tried to steer her out the back door , but she turned back for her witness . " Wait , he 's alive ! " " I 'll get him … Go ! " Vincent propelled her towards the door once more while he turned back to carry the injured man out . He looked up when something crashed through the window and landed on the floor . In an instant , he recognized that it was a bomb . The explosion blew out the front of the building . At the back entrance ; Catherine paced frantically waiting for them when the blast sent her flying off her feet . Shake 's gang members assumed he was dead , and they came after Catherine in retaliation for his death . A fight ensued , and Catherine fought back but was rendered unconscious with a blow to her face . The Silks , the rival gang responsible for the bomb , entered the blown out building to try to see if there were survivors from the blast . They laughed when they saw that Shake was dead but then gasped in horror when they found Vincent unconscious and badly burned . Chris , the leader , kicked Vincent in the leg . " What is that thing ? Tony shook his head . " I don 't know but look at the size of him . " Tony chuckled . " Let 's get him outta here and chained before he wakes up . " The men tied an unconscious Vincent 's arms behind his back . " That 's not true . Even animals have feelings … ' member , Chris , when we were little … Grandma had that cat , Bosco . Remember how much he cried when he got burned ? " Within ten minutes , Shake 's bar was surrounded by police and fire fighters . A police officer called out to a nearby detective , " Hey , Jim ! We found a woman , unconscious in the back alley . " Jim Crawford came around the side of the building . He spotted the woman lying in a heap . He noticed her expensive clothing and shook his head . " She sure don 't belong around here . " Jim watched as the officer gently shook Catherine awake . She moaned and sat up as she held her head for a few seconds . She surprised everyone when she shot to her feet and frantically looked around as the detective quizzically observed her . Catherine gasped when she saw that the place was swarming with detectives and officers who were investigating the explosion . Except for a bruise along her jaw where she had been punched , she was unhurt . Her thoughts flew to Vincent and she wondered where he was . The detective looked her over carefully . " Can you tell me your name , miss ? " She met his eyes and nodded . " I 'm Catherine Chandler . I 'm with the District Attorney 's office . I was here meeting a witness to a murder I 'm investigating . " Realizing she wasn 't a drug dealer , his demeanor immediately changed as he held out his hand . " Jim Crawford , I 've heard your name before . You okay ? " The detective looked at the building then back at her . " What happened ? " " Someone started shooting into the front of the building . Shake , the man I was interviewing , was shot , I ran into the alley , and the next thing I knew a bomb went off inside . The other gang members staggered out … they thought I 'd set them up . They came after me . I fought back … then nothing . " " Someone decked you , you 've got a bruise forming … " he indicated with his pen to his own cheek to show her where it was on her . Jim looked back at his notes . " So , you came here to interview Shake ? He 's the leader of this gang . . . or rather he was the leader . " The detective eyed her behavior and wrote down some notes . " Lots of casualties in these street wars , you sure you 're okay ? " Catherine merely nodded . " You 're lucky Miss Chandler . Anybody else inside when it went off ? " She shook her head and lied easily . " No , there was no one else . " The detective walked away and Catherine saw the fire chief walking towards his truck . She ran to catch up with him . " Excuse me , excuse me ! " The fireman turned around . Catherine breathlessly stopped in front of him . " I 'm Catherine Chandler with the DA 's office . Did you find any other bodies in there ? " He shook his head . " Look , lady , we searched everywhere . The structures not sound . I can 't have you going in there traipsing around . I 'm telling you , no one is inside that building . " " No , she 's fine . She 's gonna have a bruise on her cheek ; someone decked her , knocked her out cold . Officer Paulsen over there found her , woke her . . . she seemed okay , kinda distracted though . She should 've probably got checked for a concussion . " " Joe , I said she was fine . She gave me her name . I had heard of her before and I knew I could reach her . What 's the problem ? " Below , Father was reading stories to a group of the older children . Winslow came in and caught Father 's attention . He shook his head in answer to the unspoken question in Father 's eyes , and Father 's face fell as he clearly showed that he was getting worried . Vincent had mentioned going Above to see Catherine , but he normally returned much earlier from his trips . It was now late , and he still wasn 't back . He expected to be bombarded with pleas of continuing , but something in his demeanor warned the teens of some type of problem . Michael bravely came forward . " Father , what is it ? Has something happened ? " Father looked at Michael , surprised they had been able to tell that something was wrong . He rushed to reassure them . " No , I 'm sure Vinc . . . " He stopped himself then continued . " Everything is just fine . " Brooke came forward and stood by Michael 's side . " What 's wrong with Vincent ? " Some of the older kids exchanged worried looks as a message came over the pipes from Catherine . She was calling Vincent then tapped out the word SOS . Winslow looked over at Father with concern . Both men had assumed Vincent was with Catherine . Father shook his head in frustration . " Michael , will you please take Ellie to see what Miss Chandler wants . Ellie , would you run and go tell Catherine that Vincent is not here ? " * * * * * Catherine had taken a taxi to Central Park then had run for the culvert . She banged on the pipes as Vincent had taught her to do . Knowing he would have been here by now , she tapped the SOS code Kipper had taught her . She continued banging until Ellie showed up . Ellie came forward . " Sorry it took me so long but it is a long way . " Catherine asked about Vincent but Ellie could only tell her that he went Above tonight and hadn 't returned yet . Catherine was starting to panic . She begged Ellie to take her to Father , so she could speak to him . " Is something wrong ? Is Vincent in trouble ? " Ellie wondered . Ellie tapped out a message telling Father that she was bringing Catherine to see him . Catherine was stunned . Ellie had only been here a short time but she adapted so quickly . As they walked , she turned to the girl . " Ellie , you already know how to tap messages ? " Ellie looked up . " He 's the main guy that takes care of the pipes . He taught me in an afternoon . It 's easy once you get the hang of it . " Catherine half - heartedly smiled . She wanted to hear how Ellie and Eric were adjusting to life Below . She kept up the small talk . " He learned how to swim ? Where ? " Catherine finally gave in to her worry and looked at Ellie . " Honey , I 'm worried about Vincent can we walk faster ? I have to see Father . " The closer they got to Father 's chamber , the more anxious Catherine became . He would be furious with what she had to tell him . He would definitely blame her , and this time it was actually her fault . She dreaded the confrontation but would endure anything if it helped her to find Vincent . She entered the library , and Father turned to her , dispensing with the amenities . " Well , what happened ? " She looked at him worriedly . " It 's Vincent . I 'm afraid he might be hurt . " Catherine knew that Vincent had probably been shot . She remembered hearing a yelp when the gun fire was coming through the windows . She didn 't dare tell Father this until she knew for certain . Concern flooded through Father , " Hurt ? Hurt how ? " he wondered . He looked at her and demanded an explanation . " Tell me ! " " There was an explosion . A guy was killed . Vincent went in to try to save him . That 's when a bomb went off . " She looked at him , afraid of the wrath she knew was forthcoming . Father started shaking at her words . He moved to sit down . " Oh my God ! " was all he managed to say as he covered his eyes with his hand . His mind raced with all the possibilities of what could have happened . Catherine rushed to tell him everything else she knew . " The firemen searched the rubble . They found the body of the man but no trace of Vincent . " " Where did this happen ? " " The most dangerous part of the city for us , he knew that ! " His demeanor soon changed from concern to anger . " What was he doing there ? " She balked again at the anger showing in his eyes and voice , but she timidly continued , " He was with me . " " I have warned him , pleaded with him and now this … . if he 's caught Above … . " She interrupted , lips quivering , fighting to hold back the tears . " I care for him more than anything in my life . " He looked at her angrily . " Your relationship with my son is a tragic mistake … for both of you . " Catherine wasn 't going to argue with him right now . She was desperate to find Vincent . She came closer and pleaded with him . " Help me . I promise you I will find him . I need your help . " " Our access to that part of the city is limited . Only two entrances to our tunnels exist there . They 're rarely used . " Catherine wouldn 't give up hope . " Will you show me ? " He looked at her and decided he had no other option than to trust her . He could use all the help he could get from Above and Below , to find Vincent , He opened the maps of their tunnels . " Here and here . " He pointed out the two locations . He looked at her sharply , an angry retort on his tongue . He stopped short when he saw the tears streaming down her face . It would do him no good to take out his anger on her . He knew she cared about Vincent and that she was as appalled as he by the chain of events leading to the accident . It had taken her great courage to come here and face him . He talked softly to her as he put his arm around her shoulders . " Catherine , we must stay strong . . . for Vincent … we must find him . . . we will find him ! " She took a deep breath and wiped her tears with the back of her hand . " I know . . . I 'm going back to look for him . I won 't come back without him , I promise ! " She walked to the steps to leave . Father called out to her , acknowledging the woman who meant so much to his son . " Catherine , he 'll need your support when we do find him . " She nodded at him with a grateful smile . " I 'll be there for him . Thank you , Father . " Ellie led her back to the culvert entrance . Ellie looked at Catherine with tears in her eyes . " You 'll find him , won 't you ? " Catherine began to feel even more desperate and had a sudden idea . She stopped the taxi at a corner phone booth to call Isaac . " Stubbs , here . " Catherine rushed forward . " There was an explosion in a bar , on the corner of 7th and Broome . I had a friend inside . The firemen didn 't find his body . Isaac , he 's missing , and I 've got to find him . " " Why won 't the police help you find him ? " " Isaac , I can 't say why … " Catherine sighed . " But I can 't go to the police . " Isaac could tell by the panic in her voice that Catherine was in serious need of help . If she was turning to him instead of the police this guy must be pretty damn special . Her panicked voice came over the phone . " Isaac ? ! " " Sorry , I was grabbing some stuff . I 'll meet you there . Twenty minutes , tops . " " Thanks , Isaac . " Catherine slammed down the phone and ran back to the taxi . She made it there in less than ten minutes and waited until Isaac showed up . Father quickly tapped out a message to the tunnel community . Everyone who was available hurried to the library to convene . Father quickly dispensed the oldest members and the oldest teenagers to sentry duties . The younger teenagers were dispensed to the nursery to take care of the younger children or to the kitchen to help with meals . Father looked at the older teens and the men and women as they stood and waited for their instructions . " Vincent is lost and possibly hurt somewhere on the lower east side , his last know location was on 7th and Broome Street to be exact . I want teams of no less than three men to go and scour the area . Look in basements and abandoned buildings . Send word immediately if he is found . Ladies , I 'd like it very much if you could team up in groups of four and scour the tunnels throughout that whole area . Old Sam lives near that neighborhood . If Vincent needs immediate medical attention , get him there and do what you can . I 'm going to start making my way to the entrance in the basement of the old Beaumont hotel . " Everyone flew to do his bidding , breaking into teams as they made their way to their destination . Meanwhile , the gang members had come back and were terrorizing Vincent . One of them was prodding him with a steel pipe , prompting him to wake up . Another was shining a light in his eyes . Vincent finally woke up and threw is head from side to side , trying to clear his vision and make sense of his surroundings . Everything he saw was distorted , shapes mostly and dimmed lights . He moved forward and realized he was chained . His head fell back in fear as he tried to remember the events that led him here . He remembered seeing the bomb , then nothing . " What happened to me ? Where am I ? " he wondered . People were jeering at him , making fun of his appearance . His noticed then that his hearing was affected and that the voices and sounds were muffled , distant . He shook his head again , blinking his eyes , but he couldn 't clear his vision . He could hear at least five or six different voices , and he wondered if there were a lot more people there . The voices were taunting him and he tried to break free . He ignored all of their comments until one voice clearly spoke of hurting him , cutting him with his knife . He growled a warning and the group collectively laughed . It seemed like an eternity but they grew tired of taunting him and moved on , leaving him bound and in pain . The large man kept looking in on Vincent . Python noticed and called out to him . " Hey , Howie ? You keep checking on that freak in there ; he your twin brother or something . " Python laughed hysterically at his own joke . Howie sadly looked down at the floor and shook his head . He tried not to look at the man as much but he still kept an eye on him . Howie felt sorry for him . He knew the man was in pain and needed help . He wondered if he was able to talk . He thought with his size and strength that the man might want to hang out with them , become an asset to the gang . Howie was tired of always having to do the heavy lifting . Chris was always nice to him and now that Tony was back , it was pretty good ; but Python was just plain mean , and Howie didn 't like him . Vincent rested his head back against the pipe he was chained to . The chains were tight , and he couldn 't break free . He sighed when he thought about all the times Father had warned him about the atrocities that would befall him if he ever got caught Above . He shook his head in disgust for not being more careful then moaned as the pain in his head intensified . He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing . He tried to will away the pain so he could come up with a plan of escape . Howie waited until no one was paying attention to him anymore then walked slowly into the room towards the chained man . Vincent had his head back and eyes closed when he heard someone approach . " Not again , " he thought . " Can you talk Mister ? You know , I bet you can . I won 't tell no one , honest . " Vincent could only see the outline as a big shadow approached . He thought that the voice sounded innocent , child - like . It went against his instincts but he decided to trust the man . " Yes , " he replied tentatively . " You know , I knew you could . But you gotta shush , ' cause Chris and Miss Patricia are in the other room , and they 'll hear . My name is Howie , not Pigmeat like Python says . " Voices sang out from across the room . Miss Patricia walked in and chased Howie away from their prisoner . " Hey ! Get away from him ! " Howie backed away and lied . He would never tell them Vincent could talk . " I was just checking to make sure his chain was tight , that 's all . " Seeing that he was awake , the gang came back to play with their prisoner . They sprayed Vincent with beer and the man called Chris lit a blow torch intending to burn Vincent . Vincent felt the heat of the flame drawing nearer . Python interrupted . " Hey ! Wait a minute . Wait . Wait . Back up … back up . Chris watch this . You 're not gonna believe this , watch this guy . " Python swung a long crowbar like a baseball bat hitting Vincent across arm then cried out in delight when a loud crack could be heard . " He didn 't even flinch . How hard do you think I had to hit him to break that bone right there ? " He was laughing and pointing . He lifted the crowbar to strike Vincent again when Howie grabbed his wrist and wrestled him to the floor . Chris called Howie off Python , but Python got up and drew his gun on Howie . Chris diffused the situation quickly then advanced on Vincent slowly with the blow torch in his hand . Vincent once again could feel the heat from the flame getting closer and closer . He knew that Chris wouldn 't stop this time . Vincent strained against the chains with all the strength he possessed . He finally managed to break free of the pipe he was tied to . He was disoriented and as he stumbled around the room ; he threw aside anyone who grabbed him or was in his way . He dug his claws into one of the men , killing him , he thought . He found himself at a door and crashed through it . His senses told him he was outside . He threw his hands out in front of him trying to feel his way around . He had to hide ; he had to get away from the gang . Frantic , he ran forward and ended up in the street . Cars screeched to a halt as they almost hit him . He spun trying to hide his features from the drivers . He moved forward frantically , finally reaching the other side . He crouched against a wall , trying to gather his thoughts and trying to catch his breath . His mind raced . " Where am I ? What part of the city am I in ? Am I still on the lower east side ? " He remembered that there were only two entrances to his world down here . " How can I find them when I can 't see ? " Knowing he wasn 't safe in the open , he got up and kept moving . He hid behind some crates in a warehouse so he could rest . A security guard found him , and in answer to Vincent 's question , confirmed that he was still on the lower east side , Broom off of Pitt . Vincent slipped away while the man was still talking . " Good , now that I know I 'm closest to the entrance at the Beaumont hotel . How do I get Shake 's bar had been reduced to a shell , and Catherine paced in front of it waiting for Isaac to come . Finally a taxi pulled up in front of her . Isaac stepped out , and she hugged him . " Thanks for coming . " Isaac nodded and looked around . " Friends do for each other . That 's what it 's all about . Now , what can you tell me about this friend of yours ? " " Then don 't . He 's your friend , that 's enough . " He turned and looked at the front of the building in disbelief . " He was in there when this went off ? " He didn 't think anyone could survive this type of blast but he wouldn 't tell her that . " Yes , he must have gotten out ; they didn 't find a body . " He looked over at a couple of street people , wondering if any of them had witnessed the crime . He went over to talk to them and found that an old gentleman said he was sleeping when the explosion woke him up . He saw some guys in fancy suits drag some guy out and stuff him in their trunk . Isaac , seeing her concern , reassured her that they would find her friend . They got back into the taxi , planning on searching through the streets and alleyways . They drove slowly looking in the shadows trying hard to find him . Catherine was desperate . Her mind raced with possibilities . " How can I find him ? Where is he ? How could I have gotten him into this ? It should have been me in that building . What are the Silks doing to him ? " She knew deep down that this was all her fault . The men from Below scoured the area as well . They asked information from the street people and searched every building in the area with no new information about Vincent . After two hours , three of the teams decided to search the tunnels in case Vincent had made it Below . Meanwhile , the other teams continued to look Above . Knowing his son would need medical attention , Father had started the long walk to the area . Over the pipes , the teams from Below that were searching for him kept him updated on their progress . Team KC , which was Kanin and Cullen , went North ; Team MK , which was Matthew and Kevin went South ; Team JD , which was James and Dave , went East ; and Team PR , which was Paul and Robert , went West . Each team reported the same thing . " Four block search of perimeter nothing to report . " Team WM , which was Winslow and Michael , also reported . " Street people said guy was carried out of building and thrown in trunk . Just told the same thing to a young sandy haired woman in nice clothes . " Three blocks away from all of his friends , Vincent stumbled through an alley , hiding when a car approached . Unknown to him , it was the taxi that Catherine and Isaac were in . He startled when he felt her presence nearby . " Catherine , " he said to no one as he closed his eyes . His first thought was relief that she was not harmed in the explosion . His next thoughts were that she was near and that she would find him . He could feel her desperation and fear . He knew she would keep searching until she found him . He let the feelings of relief flow through his body . He hoped that through the bond , she would feel that he wanted to assure her he was alive and near . He didn 't know if she would be able to interpret the feelings but he tried anyway . The contentment he felt was short lived as his injuries ached and reminded him of his precarious position . Catherine sat in the taxi , and for some reason felt like Vincent was still alive . He was hurt but somewhere nearby , trying to find his way home . Vincent knew he had to keep moving ; he had to find his way Below . He thought he could see steam coming up in the street from a drainage tunnel grate . He waited to head to it as a car passed by him . He crawled out into the street and tried to lift the sewer cap to the tunnels . Because his arm was broken from where Python had hit it , he didn 't have the strength to lift the cover . Unknown to him , the car that had just passed by him belonged to the Silks . They saw him in the rearview mirror and spun the car around . Increasing speed as they barreled down on him , Howie grabbed the wheel and wrestled with Chris , but they hit Vincent anyway , breaking several ribs and sending his body flying through the air . Their car drove into the side of a building . As the gang members fought amongst themselves , Vincent rolled with the force of the hit then got up and kept moving . He found a quiet place to hide in the entrance to a basement apartment . A while later , Lucy , a hooker , walked home alone that night . Her door was at the basement apartment where Vincent hid . She saw him and knew he was the guy the Silks had hit with their car . When Vincent made to leave , his strength gave out and he collapsed on her . Making an instant decision , Lucy helped him into her apartment . Vincent hid his appearance from her ; but when she reached over to help him , she saw his features . She screamed and recoiled in horror . He got up and left and made it out the door where he collapsed against the side of the building . Compassion took over and she was able to control her fear . She knew he wasn 't safe out there with the Silks looking for him . He was badly hurt and needed a doctor , and she quickly brought him back inside her apartment to rest . Vincent told her in a voice raspy with pain that his father was a doctor and he just needed to get home . He told her he couldn 't see , but he needed to find a place called the Beaumont Hotel . Lucy knew the place and Vincent asked her to tell him how to get there . Lucy offered to take him there instead . " Thank " My name is Vincent . " " Vincent . " Lucy nodded and covered him up with a blanket . She ran and got him a glass of water and handed it to him . He drank the cool liquid and settled down against the back of the couch . Vincent finally took the time to assess his injuries . He knew his shoulder had been hit by a bullet when the Silks fired into the bar . He could no longer feel the blood running down his back and he wondered if it had stopped bleeding or if he was in shock . His eyesight and hearing were compromised as well from the explosion . He knew that his forearm had been broken when Python hit him with the crowbar . He also knew that was what was contributing to his lack of oxygen was the fact that he sustained several broken ribs when the car hit him in the street . His leg had sustained injuries , but he thought that it was perhaps just a deep cut , as he was certain the blood stopped dripping down his pant leg . Lucy came back into the room , and Vincent startled awake . He felt his strength weakening , and he knew he couldn 't stop here for long or he 'd never make it Below . Vincent looked over at her . He still couldn 't see very well but he asked anyway . " Lucy , I can 't stay here I . … " Vincent thought for a few seconds then nodded knowingly . " I think he will , if not ; others will come for me and take me to him . Could you show me the way ? " Two hours later , Isaac and Catherine came across yet another police investigation of another murder . They viewed the body but it wasn 't Vincent 's . The stress was getting to her . " Where is he ? " she wondered . Isaac reached out to comfort her , and she looked up at him . " He 's hurt Isaac , I know it , he 's hurt and he 's alone . " " Well , we 'll just keep looking ' til we get to him . " She looked at him in desperation . " We 've got to . " Isaac sighed . " Look , I 'm not going to ask you any questions , all right , but if there 's anything you can tell me about this guy … . " " Isaac , I can 't , " Catherine 's eyes pleaded with him to understand . ' I would tell you if I could . " " Okay . " Isaac assured , then saw her struggling with indecision . " Hey … it 's cool . " She sighed looking at him . She decided to trust him and take a chance . She needed his help if she ever wanted to find Vincent . " I owe him my life ! " Isaac nodded with understanding . " Come on , if he 's out there we 're gonna find him . " They got back into the taxi and continued their search . Catherine looked across the seat at Isaac . " Isaac , Vincent was the one who found me after my attack . He nursed me back to health both physically and mentally . I owe him everything ! " Catherine smiled at him with tears pooling in her eyes as she finally confronted the depth of her feelings for Vincent . " He 's the most wonderful person I 've ever met in my entire life . He 's everything to me . " They came across yet another crime scene . Someone had tried to get into a drainage tunnel when a car hit him flipping him into the air . Witnesses reported that the guy got up and kept going . Catherine knew it was Vincent . He had been so close to getting home . She had proof he wasn 't dead , though he was badly hurt . She knew the hotel entrance was nearby , and she thought they could head over there and possibly find him . Isaac started to wonder about Catherine 's friend . " What kind of a man walked away from an explosion ? What kind of a man got hit by a car , got up and walked away ? Who was this guy ? " He looked over at Catherine again . " You can 't tell me nothin ' else about this guy , huh ? " Isaac tentatively looked over at her and sighed . " Cathy , your friend survived a bomb and then gets hit by a car ? I think he 's probably in an alley holed up and … " " Don 't say it , Isaac ! " Just then Catherine felt a wave of something flood through her . " What was that ? " she thought . She realized it was the bond , and she knew Vincent was alive but hurt . She shook her head at Isaac . " I 'm not giving up ! " Lucy was leading Vincent to the abandoned hotel when the Silks saw them walking through the park . Lucy urged Vincent to keep going as she hung back and tried to stall the gang . The Silks strong armed her into showing them where Vincent was going , and she led them to the hotel . Vincent had only gotten a small lead on the gang but because he was moving at a slower pace , they quickly caught up to him as he tried to get inside the hotel . Vincent had just ripped the steel door of the hotel off its hinges when Python caught up to him . He heard the click of Python 's gun and using the element of surprise ; Vincent threw the door at Python then ran into the safety of the dark hotel . Hiding in the shadows , he began to make his way to the basement . Chris and Howie ran up and lifted the heavy gate off of Python then followed Vincent inside . Spreading out they searched for him . Python saw him first on a staircase then shot at him and proceeded to chase after him . Vincent knew Python would catch up with him so he chose to hide in the shadows ; and as Python walked past , Vincent lashed out at him and quickly disposed of him . Gasping for breath , he continued down towards the basement . He found the entrance to the tunnels . It hadn 't been opened in years , and in his weakened condition he couldn 't open it . Vincent knew the others in the gang were coming up behind him and for the first time he felt himself giving up . Howie , the man with the child - like voice came up behind Vincent . Vincent whirled around ready to fight but Howie reassured him that he only wanted to help him get home . Together they opened the heavy door . Just then Chris , the leader , came up behind them . Howie wouldn 't get out of his way , and Chris tired of the game and shot him in the chest . In his last act of defiance , Howie grabbed Chris holding him tight to his chest he reached between them and grabbed a hold of the gun and shot Chris so Vincent could be free . Gasping with relief when she saw him , she begged Isaac not to ask any questions , thanked him profusely for all his help , and then told him she had to get Vincent home . Isaac stared at Vincent 's face . He blinked in shock but made no comment as he turned and left . Vincent had stopped when he heard Catherine gasp . He turned in wonder at her voice . His vision still affected , he called out into the air . " Catherine ? " She ran to him and held him gently . " I 'm here , Vincent . " Catherine felt his relief over the bond as he weakly returned her hug . " I knew you were close by … I was never giving up ! " She placed Vincent 's arm around her shoulders and lead him towards the tunnels . With relief , Catherine saw Father standing at the end of the tunnel and guided Vincent towards him . " Oh , thank God Father 's here . " " You 're here ? " Father stepped forward and hugged his son . " I left and started walking here a few hours ago . I knew you 'd remember this entrance , and I could only hope you could make it here . How are you ? " " I 'm . . . okay . " Isaac stood outside the entrance and leaned against the wall . He had heard Catherine gently talking to the man , and he knew she was safe , but he couldn 't help but wonder what had happened to the guy to make him look the way he did . He knew from Jason Walker that there was a series of tunnels below the city that people supposedly lived in . Isaac figured the guy was probably one of the people who lived Below . He pushed off against the wall and peered around the corner in time to see an older gentleman disappear into a tunnel . The entranceway soon became dark . Isaac heard police sirens off in the distance . He pushed against the heavy door and shut it then searched around and found some old boxes and carefully stacked them up against the door . With one last glance , he ran up the stairs where he found Lucy still crying in a corner of the room . He grabbed her by the arm and took her out the back way as he saw the police cars race up to the front of the building . He and Lucy made their way back to the park area . Isaac was unsure of how to proceed when Lucy looked up at him . " Did Vincent get away ? " Isaac shook his head in disbelief . " Look , the cops are gonna think this was a gang fight gone bad . You gotta forget you ever met that guy , Vincent , okay ? " Just then a tough looking black man walked up to the two of them . Isaac guessed that Lucy belonged to him . He ignored Isaac and headed straight for Lucy . " Hey , you been working tonight , right ? " Isaac saw her fear and came to her rescue . " Hey man , back off ! This lady just gave me the night of my life . Ain 't that right , sugar ? " Isaac grabbed his wallet and took out a hundred dollar bill . He handed it to Lucy . " I was just getting to that part , before you interrupted . " The man tipped his hat and took it from her hands . Isaac looked angrily at him . " You done now ? I 'd like to say my goodbyes . " The man sauntered away and hopped into a waiting car . Lucy looked up gratefully . " Thanks … um … you got somewhere we can go so I can pay you back . " " No , you don 't owe me a thing . " Isaac handed her his business card . " You ever get tired of this , you come see me , okay ? I 'll get you on a clean way of living . " Father walked past them once again and led the way . Once they were relatively safe in the inner tunnels , he spotted a large boulder up ahead . " Vincent , lean against this boulder here . " Vincent gasped in pain but did as he was told . Father listened with his stethoscope to Vincent 's chest . " Your breathing is quite labored . You have broken ribs don 't you ? " Vincent moved his arm and Father noticed the blood slowly trickling from a bullet hole . He quickly peered at the wound as best he could . " It appears it went straight through . " Catherine 's face paled as she frowned . Vincent imperceptibly reached for her hand and squeezed it in reassurance . " Father , my arm is broken as well . " Catherine listened in horror to all Vincent had endured because of her . Father dug into his medical bag and took out a huge medical bandage . Mindful not to embarrass Vincent in front of Catherine , he looked over at her . She read the unspoken message in his eyes and turned to face in the other direction . Father reached inside of Vincent 's shirt and placed the bandage against the bullet wound , then secured it with several layers of material . The tightness of the layers of clothing Vincent usually wore would keep it in place . He cleared his throat , and Catherine watched as he took off his scarf and wrapped it around his son 's neck and made a sling for his broken arm . Vincent shook his head . " No , just badly bruised . Father , my vision is affected . Everything is blurry , and my hearing . . . it 's . . . like I 'm underwater . " Vincent felt her concern flood through him . He squeezed her hand again to reassure her . " Father , I can walk until we meet up with the others . " Father chose to ignore him and turned to Catherine . " Catherine , some men are going to be meeting us , but it 's a very long way . I had a hard time getting here myself , and I don 't think I can be much help ; but if you think you can help support Vincent as you just did , we can walk and make up some distance . " Catherine nodded . " Of course , Father . I 'll do whatever 's necessary to get him home . " " Good girl . " He smiled at her bravery . " Come now , Vincent , let me help you stand . " Catherine took her place once again and got under Vincent 's arm to support him . Vincent kept his weight off of her as they walked ; but now that he was home and safe , his reserves were giving out , and he was leaning heavily on her . After a while , Catherine was literally supporting a huge portion of Vincent 's weight . He was almost delirious and didn 't seem to know that he was draped over her . She was exhausted but wouldn 't complain . Her body cried out for relief , but she didn 't dare stop for fear she wouldn 't be able to get back up again . She put her head down and plodded along . Father had been leading the way . His pace was slow , his limp more pronounced . He grimaced with each step . The pain in his leg from the miles he had walked getting to Vincent was unbearable . He had walked more today than he had in years , now going home … well , he hoped he would make it . He turned back for the first time to look at Vincent and stopped immediately . Vincent 's body hung nearly entirely across Catherine 's . How long had they been like that ? Catherine looked up at him . Her eyes had dark circles under them , and her face was pale from the strain on her body . " What is it Father ? " Father sputtered in disbelief . " Catherine , why didn 't you say anything ? " He went over and took her place under Vincent 's arm . " Good God , he 's heavy , " he thought . " How did that little slip of a girl make it this far supporting Vincent 's weight ? " Suddenly , down the tunnel , came their reinforcements . With a quick nod at Father and Catherine , four of the men put Vincent on a stretcher . Once he was safe , Vincent slipped off into unconsciousness . Father looked at the group of men . " Get him to the hospital chamber immediately . Have Mary do what she can until I can get there . " Considering they were carrying Vincent 's weight , the men took off at a fairly fast pace and soon disappeared from sight . He then addressed the other two men . " Cullen , Michael , please go back to the old Beaumont Hotel entrance and secure it . I erected the false wall again but I fear I did it with such haste it may not be suitable to deter someone . " The two men glanced briefly at Catherine then took off at a jog as Father turned to Catherine . She stared back warily , afraid of what he was going to say . She straightened herself up , ready for whatever came next . He silently offered her his arm and she walked to him , gratefully accepting it . " For most people , yes , but for Vincent . . . . " As they walked , Father told her what to expect . " Catherine , Vincent will wake up after I treat his injuries . Then , most likely , he will sleep for at least forty eight hours . His body heals very quickly . It 's almost like it shuts down everything except that which is needed to heal itself . If you can , I would like you to be there after surgery . He 'll want to see you . Then you 'll be free to go home . I know you 're exhausted , I can see it in your face , but will you do that for Vincent ? " Catherine nodded , upset that he thought he had to ask . She would stay with Vincent the whole forty eight hours if they would let her . " Of course . I would do anything for him . " They walked as quickly as they could . Catherine slowed her steps to accommodate him , and she gently supported him on the last half of the walk . He leaned on her heavily towards the end , surprised by her strength . They walked into the hospital chamber , and Father nodded at her gratefully then motioned to a chair in the corner . Catherine walked over and sat down . Father gasped at the bruises to his son 's chest . Mary had carefully cleaned around a huge bump on Vincent 's forehead . Father suspected that this injury was the reason for the concussion that brought about Vincent 's eyesight and hearing problems . Mary had put a cold compress on it , and it seemed as if the swelling was beginning to go down . Father and one of the men got Vincent 's ribs taped , and then they laid him back on the table . He discovered Vincent 's arm was dislocated as well as broken . He had two of the men come in to help him and they quickly maneuvered his dislocated arm back into place . Vincent 's roar of pain echoed through the chamber until he passed out again . Catherine jumped when she heard the roar . She rose and headed to the room then backed away and slowly sat back down . She nervously chewed on her lower lip as tears fell from her eyes . Father set Vincent 's arm while Mary prepared a cast . It wasn 't long before the arm was covered with thick plaster . The men helped get Vincent into a gown then left the room . Mary gently put salve over the burns on Vincent 's face . Father checked Vincent 's vision and let out the breath he 'd been holding when the pupils dilated normally . He prayed that with time Vincent 's vision and hearing would return to normal . Next , Father turned his attention to Vincent 's leg . He noticed his lower leg had in fact not just been bruised but had a fracture in it . He wondered how Vincent had managed to walk all that way . His thoughts turned to the woman who had helped him . He guessed that Catherine had supported Vincent for much longer than he had originally thought . Father made a walking cast for Vincent 's leg while Mary hooked him up to an IV for fluids . Father sighed aloud when he finally finished with all his injuries . " Thank you , Mary . " Vincent didn 't answer , but Father , as he left the room , nodded at Catherine . He smiled to take the sharpness from his words . " You can see him now . Please keep it brief . " Catherine nodded and smiled gratefully then walked around the curtain . She saw Mary as she stood by Vincent 's bedside . Mary turned and looked at her . " Come closer , Catherine . It 's nice to meet you . My name is Mary . " Mary had extended her hand , and Catherine gratefully took it . " Hi , Mary . It 's nice to meet you as well . Are you the same Mary who Vincent said helped take care of me ? " Mary shook her head . " Nonsense , you needed help , and I was there . Now , look at how nicely you have healed . You look wonderful , no scars at all . " Vincent moaned , and Mary moved aside to let Catherine close to him . Catherine gently lifted his hand in her own , unconsciously rubbing the backside of his hand with her thumb . Vincent slowly opened his eyes and looked her way , mimicking the words she had once spoken to him . " I owe you everything … everything . " She smiled as tears fell freely from her eyes . She reached up and gently touched his cheek . " You owe me nothing . You 're a part of me , Vincent . Just as I 'm a part of you . You should rest now . " Vincent fell off to sleep . Catherine kissed his hand then placed it down . She gently lifted up the covers and pulled them to his chin . Mary nodded and smiled then nodded to the edge of the curtain . Father had changed back into his regular clothing . He had overheard her comment about his surgery skills and was touched that she gave him credit for her recovery . He hoped his assumptions about this woman would be proven wrong . " Catherine , will you come with me ? " She nodded and followed him into the library where he offered her a chair to sit down . He reached up and poured them both a cup of tea . Father cleared his throat . " Are you all right ? " He shook his head and looked away . " That 's not true , and we both know it . You could have walked away and left him to fend for himself . " Catherine thought of Vincent alone and lost and enduring what he had been put through . She choked on her tears . " No , I could never have done that , not to him . " Father nodded his approval . He suspected this woman did care about his son . It had been several months since she knew of the world Below , and she never revealed their secret . Maybe she could be trusted . He leaned over and took her hand . " You must be tired . Would you like me to have someone guide you out ? " She sniffled and nodded . " Yes but I wonder , if Vincent doesn 't remember , would you tell him I was here ? " Father chuckled aloud . " My dear , Vincent remembers everything ! He will certainly remember you were here . " She giggled and followed him . Mary came in as they were leaving . She smiled and allowed them to pass . Father looked at her with concern . " Mary , is Vincent all right ? " Mary took in his pale appearance from the stress and pain he endured tonight . " Yes , Father , he 's fine . I just wanted to tell you that Sara and I will take care of Vincent tonight . You 've had a long day and a very strenuous walk . You should get your rest . " Mary furrowed her brow . " What do you mean ? " " The girl 's strength is remarkable . I was so wrapped up in my own pain , I didn 't know Vincent had been leaning on her so heavily ! She all but carried him for most of the way . Eventually , I looked back and noticed him draped over her ; she was ready to collapse ! But not once , Mary , did she complain ; she never said a word ! " " Well , I put an immediate stop to it . I took Vincent 's weight onto my own shoulders . She was so overwhelmed she had to grab for the wall to catch her balance ! " Father shook his head . " No Mary , thankfully help came when it did . I couldn 't have walked two blocks helping Vincent . I don 't know how she made it so far ! " Mary shrugged her shoulders . " As Mouse would say . . . I know what I know . . . and I know ! You mark my words , Father . That girl loves him ; she just doesn 't know it yet ! " Kipper laughed . " Father says that no one 's been able to keep track of Vincent 's whereabouts for over fifteen years . He said Vincent 's headstrong and you couldn 't tell him what to do . " Kipper led her to a place not far from her entrance . Catherine turned to him . " Kipper , it 's really late . I know the rest of the way , if you 'd like you can go back now . " Kipper relented , and Catherine leaned over and offered him a hug . Kipper blushed and jogged away while Catherine walked the rest of the way alone . She headed into her apartment then fell into her bed fully clothed . She had a restless few hours of sleep . The next morning the ringing of her doorbell woke her . She grumbled and glanced at the clock . " Ten - thirty ! Damn ! " She walked to the door . " Who is it ? " Catherine looked at her disheveled clothing and sighed . She reached for the handle and opened the door . Joe stormed past her then spun and noticed her appearance . " Are you okay ? " " Yeah , you 're telling me . I heard about the explosion , and that your witness was dead . I got a copy of the police report , too . I 've been calling here all night . Where the hell have you been ? " Catherine looked at the answering machine and noticed a number 6 flashing . She flushed guiltily . " I 'm sorry , Joe . I was so tired I didn 't think to check my messages . " He noticed her wrinkled clothing and nodded , believing her story . " Well , as long as you 're okay . Look its Friday , the day 's half over why don 't you just take the rest of it off ? " Joe interrupted her . " The men of that gang were found dead . One in their home location and three at some boarded up hotel . The girls have disappeared ; no one can find them . " Joe nodded then walked to the door . " See ya Monday , Radcliffe . Oh , by the way , nice place ya got here . You decorate on the salary I 'm paying you ? " The taxi she hailed took her to Isaac 's . She went inside and called out to the shadows . " Come out , it 's just me . " Isaac chuckled and came out of the shadows . Catherine walked over and offered him a hug . She stepped from his embrace . " I don 't know how to thank you for everything you did last night . " Isaac nodded his head . " No problem . You get your . . . um . . . friend home safe ? " Catherine looked at him pointedly . " Yes , his Father came and helped . " Catherine sat , and he handed her a cup of coffee . Surprisingly , Isaac made awesome coffee and she gratefully accepted it . She sipped some of it and smiled at him . Isaac looked over at her . " There 's a new kung fu movie coming out . . . I think we should go and review the fight scenes . " She debated for a few minutes then signed it . " Love , Catherine . " She walked with it to a phone booth and paged Benny on his beeper . He called her back at the pay phone she was at . He was only four blocks away and headed over to see her . Catherine gave him a generous tip and he pulled away . She stopped at a Chinese restaurant for take - out , then headed home . She was just sitting down to eat when a knock came at her door . She walked to the door and saw that a note had been slipped underneath it . She retrieved it and opened the door but no one was there . She opened the letter and headed back to the table . Vincent is recovering well . As suspected , he has still not woken up . I do not expect him to do so for several more days . As soon as he wakes , I will present him with the unusual book you sent down for him . I am sure he will find it . . . entertaining . Catherine sighed and placed the letter on the table . She looked at her plate but found she had lost her appetite . She was worried about Vincent , and she noticed she was not invited to come down and sit with him . She sighed and took her food to the kitchen . She sat and opened a book . She knew she would just have to wait for Vincent to contact her . On Tuesday , Catherine was at work . A delivery man came and insisted she had ordered a pizza . Catherine glanced inside and noticed a note taped to the box . She tipped the man and took the note and slipped it into her pocket . She placed the pizza on a table for everyone to share then came and sat at her desk . She opened the note and tears came to her eyes . She sat back in relief and chuckled . He was awake ! He was well enough to send word to her and joke with her about the book she had sent to him . Two weeks later , Vincent grabbed his cloak with his good arm and headed into the library . Mary and Father were there enjoying a cup of tea . Father looked up and smiled . Vincent saw the smile fade from his face as he saw the cloak in his arms . Father grumbled to Mary . " He always is ! If he 's so careful why do I have to keep giving him constant medical attention ? Why am I always stitching something on him or taping something , or putting salve on something . . . . " Mary chuckled . " Because ever since he was a young boy , he 's managed to find trouble . Leave him be . He just wants to visit with Catherine . " Catherine sat in her darkened apartment , quietly listening to the stereo . She turned it up and let the music surround her . A gentle tapping sounded from the bedroom window . Catherine gasped and ran towards her bedroom . She caught her foot on the archway and tumbled into Vincent 's arms . Catherine held up her hand . " Don 't even say it , Vincent . You 're one of the most important people in my life . There was nothing else I could have done . " Catherine smiled and leaned into his chest as he tightened his arms around her . She kept her hands lightly on him afraid that she would hurt his broken ribs . Vincent backed away and Catherine looked at him with a question in her eyes . He shyly brought out the book she bought him . " I wanted to return this , I don 't normally read things like this but it was very good . I thought I should bring it back to you . " Catherine shook her head . " I don 't normally read that stuff either , Vincent , but it was on the best sellers list . Maybe you can put it into the library for everyone Below to enjoy . " Vincent nodded as he put the book away . Catherine went inside to get another book . " Vincent , I just bought this . Would you like to read it together ? " Vincent looked at the hardcover copy of a well - loved classic . Catherine motioned to her living room , but Vincent slowly settled down on the floor of the balcony . Catherine looked over at him . " Doesn 't it hurt your ribs to get up and down from the ground ? " Vincent noticed her vulnerability and wondered why she thought he would refuse . He came over and put his arms around her and drew her close . She melted into his chest as he tightened his embrace . She tightened hers and held him close . |
I failed NaNoWriMo again this year . I still have 13 hours , but I won 't tell you how many thousands of words I would have to write per hour to get caught up . It 's more than one . It 's about three . I 'm not telling you out of pride , it 's that I can 't do the math . Anyway . Here 's the start of it . It 's about a guy who daydreams about being a superhero all day long . I think I 'll probably still work on it , though I can 't tell you how many times I 've said that . And again , because of the math involved . Anyway , here 's the first third of my second failed novel , " Hello . " It 's posted in the spirt of NaNoWriMo , so it 's not really edited at all , don 't nag about that . ( Edit : Also , about half of the text below is supposed to show up in italics , but doesnt , the italics makes it clear when he 's shifting in and out of his head . It doesnt want to work on here and I 'm not going through thirty pages of text and re - italicizing things . So if it gets confusing and you want a copy let me know , I 'll email you one . I can 't imagine this ever happening . Salud . ) Hello . I 'm Superman . I 'm Spiderman . I 'm Ben . I 'm Clark Kent . I 'm Peter Parker . I 'm lonely . The only good thing about my apartment is the roof . I hate just about everything else about it . It 's noisy , full of people and the plumbing is criminal . But I stay here because I have pretty good access to the roof . They don 't know that I have access to the roof , but I have access to the roof . I stole someone 's freight elevator key . Specifically , I stole Ramon 's key ring . He left it in the elevator door on his way to someplace that needed cleaning or fixing , dredging or scrubbing . I haven 't seen him since , but I 've got complete control over the building now . Nobody has changed any of the locks yet . That was probably Ramon 's job . I needed to get access to the roof , I 'd asked for a key before but everyone thought it was so that I could jump off . Even if that were the case I 'd fly away . I 'd go someplace warm and respectable , fight crime and fall in love with one of my many Posted by In honor of my knowing a person that had the ability to get me an interesting job at NaNoWriMo , and my realization that I 'm completely screwed for November as I haven 't written anything of substance in a while , I 'm going to try to post a peice of short fiction at least once a week until the big novel kickoff in November . Four stories in four weeks , hopefully . I 'm going to use the time rational people use for research or planning , and just use it to get the brain unclogged . The November novel will be incredibly difficult as I have no idea what it 's going to be about but I 'm fairly sure it will be titled " Hello . " Fairly sure . I will have a peice of short fiction posted for all four of you in the next few days . It will be so brilliant your eyes will feel like they 've been tobascoed . One . Foot . Feet . Think about that . One foot . Each . Jesus peesus . dan In honor of a friend of mine getting hired on as the Managing Editor of NaNoWriMo , National Novel Writing Month , I 've decided to post my failed attempt at writing a novel in a month . I 'll never get back to it anyway , and why the hell not let you see how truely awful I am . It 's 22 pages long . I got to 15k , then just sort of stopped . This year though , I 'm going to write 50k if it kills me . Rubicks Bob is my friend He is my friend because we share very similar interests . He is my friend because we spend a lot of time together at the store . I 'm at the store a lot buying " toys . " He is also at the store a lot buying " toys . " We met because we were there at the same day at the same time . He was there because he needed a few new Rubicks cubes . I was there because I needed another case of dominos . He got there later than he thought because of traffic . I got there earlier than I thought because I was coming from the other direction . I was coming from the other direction because I moved from the North East to the South West a few months ago . I 'll be moving again soon . I 'm going to try to stop talking that way . It 's hard for me . It 's hard for me because everything happens because of something else and if I start thinking about anything it 's hard for me to not thing of all the things that came before it because what 's the point of even knowing the last thing if you don 't know the first thing and all the connected things in the middle ? I don 't talk to people much . I try not to . If I start talking I have a hard time stopping because of all the things I already said . I like bob because he doesn 't talk much either . Bob would be more comfortable if we all talked in numbers and patterns . I understand because I would be more comfortable if we all talked sequentially and connectively . Some things make sense differently . I like dominos . Bob likes cubes . He shops at the same store that I shop at . Hank 's Toy Emporium . Bob calls it 4105 , sometimes 1405 , sometimes 5041 , sometimes 0541 , because it 's located at 4105 in the Burlington Mall . Sometimes he calls it all the possible permutations of that number , there are a lot . I 'm not sure how many . Ask Bob . He get 's stuck sometimes like that , he 'll rattle off numbers for hours . I let him go and try to figure out why he 's going in the direction that he 's going . Bob doesn 't really understand directions . He 's just everywhere at once . I think lineally . It makes more sense . For me . Today I 'm starting in the basement . I always start in the basement . Start from the ground up . The ground up . I 'm in the basement , I 've only gone through a few boxes of dominos so far . This whole house will be alive again . This whole house will have motion and movement . I start in the basement , start in the basement , start in the basement , move forward move forward move forward . I 've only gone through 3 , 200 dominos . 2 , 300 , 0203 , Bob would say . Coming in from the back door there is a hallway which leads directly to the stairwell , behind the stairwell is a storage space , behind the storage space is a walk in closet , behind that is the main room of the basement , it 's very large and occupies the majority of the floor , on the far end is a small bathroom which contains only a sink and a toilet , there is a small window and a ledge high on the back wall , it looks out to the ground level , to the left of the bathroom is the far wall , turning you find yourself looking at the main room of the basement once again , ten paces in front of you is a wall with a door in it , this door leads to the garage which is nearly empty , there is a bike and some paint cans left over from the previous owner , there is a garage door , then you 're outside . There is nothing else to tell about the basement . There is no furniture . Come back in the back door , you 're now facing the stairs that lead to the second floor . There are six stairs , then there is a landing , then the stairs make a 90 degree turn left , then there are six more stairs , you are now in the kitchen . Directly to your left is a refrigerator facing the same way you are , then there is a series of cabinets and a counter top that wrap around until you are facing approximately 9oclock . There is a sink here , above the sink is a window , next to that the counter top starts again , there is a washing machine below the counter top directly next to the sink , above the washing machine there is another cabinet . It is the last cabinet in the room . There is then a window , then a far wall that 's covered with ugly yellow tile . In the middle of the room is a small table and above it a small chandelier . Chandelier is a grand term for it , it 's a light that hangs from the ceiling . Now , looking at 12oclock , walk forward three paces , then turn right . You are now walking through a door that goes into the dining room , the dining room is large and vacant . No furniture . There is a wide opening that leads into the living room , the living room has a grey recliner in the middle of it and no other furniture . There is a large mirror on the right hand wall . Directly in front of you is a bay window . If I had a cat he would sit there in the sun . I don 't have a cat so there is nothing in the bay window , the sun only touches the recliner in the middle of the room . There is no artificial light in this room . No lamps . No chandeliers . No lights . Standing at the recliner and looking out the window , turn to 9oclock again , you are now facing the stairway . The stairway has 13 stairs , just like the set that leads to the basement . Directly in front of you is the back bedroom , the door is shut and locked , I don 't use this room . The door is shut and locked . Inside there is nothing but two windows on the outside wall . These windows have newspaper taped over them . Turn left there is another bedroom . There is nothing in there but the door is open and unlocked . To the left of this room there is a bathroom . The bathroom has one toilet , one shower / tub combination , one sink with vanity mirror , above the center of the floor is a skylight that is never opened . There is a bath mat on the floor so I don 't slip when I get out of the shower . The tile is black . The caulk is white . The tile is black the caulk is white . There are 48 tiles . An old newspaper is draped over the edge of the tub so that I can read when I use the bathroom . To the left of the bathroom there is a bedroom . It 's my bedroom . Going clockwise around this room , to your immediate left is a closet there isn 't very much in here , then there is a dresser on the far wall , this is also nearly empty , then there are two windows and then a night stand , with a glass of water and an alarm clock on it , then my bed , it needs to be made and it 's black with white stitching . That 's my house . I don 't like it very much , but it 'll make do for now . I 'll probably leave soon anyway . Soon . I 'm not sure when , I have to wait to see what happens next . I move a lot . I have to keep moving . It 's important . If you stay in one place for too long you stagnate and then you die . And then you die in the place where you were already dead but didn 't know it because you didn 't ever move . A person has to keep moving in order to keep living . Motion is life , motion is time . Motion is motion . Keep moving . When something dies it means that all cellular motion has ceased . It 's ceased because all of the tiny bits of electricity that keep things moving has stopped being generated because the thing that generates all the electricity has stopped moving and can no longer generate electricity , so cells stop functioning and the body dies . I think that 's how it works . That 's how someone described it to me once . Rigger mortis . I know about that . The longer you 're dead the less malleable you are , it 's harder to move a person after they 've been dead a long while . If a person dies , at say , 9oclock , not the direction now , the time . The time is 9oclock and someone dies a horrible death . There is no other kind . At ten after nine , the person is still able to move , not on his own anymore , but I could move a body that 's only been dead ten minutes or so . If you let that body sit on the floor for a few hours , it stiffens up , becomes even more dead than it was and becomes frozen . It 's impossible to bend any of the joints . It 's better if I never find that out again . Motion is life , death is stiffness , rigidity . Bob doesn 't move much . He 's not dead , but he sits still for longer than I can tolerate sometimes . The first time I met him I almost kicked him out of my house . He sat in my recliner for hours and didn 't move a muscle , didn 't make a sound . It was horrifying until I looked at his eyes . I 'm able to be friends with bob because of his eyes . His eyes are constantly in motion . I didn 't realize till then that Bob spends most of his time in his mind , and he 's constantly moving in there . I imagine it 's a nonstop parade of numbers and patterns and ways to figure out those numbers , make patterns of those numbers and to make numbers out of those patterns . I view bobs world as a series of melting , changing numbers . That 's probably how he sees things . I call Bob , " Rubi Bob " because Bob can complete a randomized Rubi Cube in under 20 seconds . Every time . Without failure . He is a whiz . A Rubick 's Cube is a game . It has 9 color squares on each side of the cube . A cube has six sides . The cube has 54 individual squares on the face . Each individual square is a different color . There are six different colors . Each individual square rests on two different axis at any given time . Each row can rotate and each column can rotate . Thereby allowing each cube to move in nearly any direction . The object of the game is to get all the sides colored with the same color square . Nine yellows on one side , nine reds on another and so on . It is ridiculous that I am describing a Rubik 's Cube . Everyone knows what a Rubiks Cube is . They were invented in the early eighties and created a craze over the country , then the world . They are the highest selling toy of all time , there are approximately 44 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 different configurations . Bob loves them . I know a lot about rubi cubes because bob knows a lot about rubi cubes . He can solve any rubi cube in any configuration in under twenty seconds any time you ask him to . He could do them in his sleep . He might actually do them in his sleep , I 've never seen him sleep . I love watching him solve Rubi Cubes , I could watch it all day . Which is lucky because he does little else . Even when he goes into his number trances , if you throw a cube at him , he 'll work through it as he 's running through the numbers . It 's remarkable . It 's too furious a flurry of movement to keep track of , I try though . I try to watch the square dials spin and rotate in his hand like a gyroscope and try to catch glimpses of how he starts and when he finishes . It 's impossible . He moves . He moves too fast . I had him teach me to do it once . Just once . He got upset and couldn 't take my not being able to do it , so he would snatch it out of my hand and finish the puzzle in seconds . It went this way : " Ok . " he said and then he got out of his recliner and came to where I was , which was just inside the dining room , writing on my pad and planning maneuvers . He brought his backpack of Cubes with him . He removed three , one for me , one for him , and one for him to complete when he got aggravated by my shortcomings . " Hold it like this , " he said . Then he held up his hands so that I could see how a professional holds a Rubi Cube . He grabbed it just like you would think to . One hand on either side , just the fingers touching the outermost dials . " Ok , " I said . And then I held it the way he was showing me . Then he reached over and moved my hands to the exact correct place for " maximum spin time . " He was holding his , I was holding mine . Between the two of us was the third cube , which lay on the floor unsolved . He kept sneaking glances at it every chance he got . He glanced at it more and more as we sat in my empty dining room , my empty dining room that would be a perfect place for a flower pattern , it was distracting him . It was keeping him from explaining the process to me . " Ok . Now figure out where everything should go . " He glanced down at the unsolved cube , and while I asked " What do you mean ? " he began and completed the cube he was holding in his hands and then quickly mixed it up again . All the while staring at the cube on the floor between us . Flower pattern . He looked surprised at my question . He tried to answer as best he could . " Where are you going to put the reds ? The yellows ? The greens ? The whites ? The bl - " " Doesn 't matter ? ? " He cut me off . His eyes darted from the cube on the floor to the cube in my hand . Faster and faster . Flowers and stairs . " It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! " He looked red , he wasn 't breathing very well . He was breathing in short . Quick . Bursts . He made a wheezing sound for a second and I thought he was going to pass out . Then he reached for the cube on the floor , solved it , he was still flushed , barely breathing now . He finished it , grabbed mine and worked through it faster and faster . Solved it and put all three down in a row . " Ahh " he breathed as he was able to exhale again . He was now just staring at the three completed puzzles . White side up . " It matters " he said . Then he took his cubes and walked back to his chair and sat down . He rested his head in his hands . He sat there for a long time . It was 11 o ' clock in the afternoon when he sat down . He didn 't get up until well after dark . Motionless for hours , just resting his head in his hands . Numbers flying through his mind trying to calm him down from our training session . I sat in the middle of the dining room watching him for fifteen minutes or so , feeling bad . I shouldn 't have asked him to do anything . He 's a touchy person . The slightest thing can set him off like that . I imagine whatever he does in that head of his is calming for him , but he 'd probably be happier if he didn 't have to do it . Or at the very least , he 'd be happier if he were concentrating on his cubes instead of running through numbers to balance himself out again . Poor guy . I wish I left him sit and enjoy his cubes and the sunshine . I felt bad about it for a little while , then I had to get back to my planning . There 's only so much worrying a person can do before it starts to interfere with his life . I was busy making notes . This was a new house after all and I needed the measurements for each room . Each step . I had to take the tape measure to every stretch of wall , every plank . I had to measure each angle . I had to check for dips in the floor . When I found one I had to mark it with spray paint . I had to spray the floor so that I 'd remember where the dip was so that I could go back and figure out a way to level it off . Most times you can accomplish this by buying a piece of lumber from the lumber yard on 8th street . Then you take that lumber and bring it into the lower floor . Then you cut the lumber so that it will fit perfectly between the floor and the ceiling . Then you take the lumber and wedge it under the place that dips in the floor below you . That usually balances the floor enough to run a proper stream . Streams flow . On and on and on . It 's difficult to properly mark the underside of the floor you 've discovered a dip in . It 's possible to drill a hole through the floor . Then you can just wedge the lumber under the hole which has clearly marked the center of the dip . But if the lumber is just a bit too long , the lumber will strain the floor , the hole has weakened the floor , and the floor will crack around the hole . The cracks create more problems . I don 't want to think about all those problems right now . Those problems haven 't happened yet . Those problems will probably happen by next Thursday . After I get all the lumber and cut the lumber and prop the floors . Things crack sometimes , regardless of planning . The measurements have to be precise . I 've gotten better at measuring , I 'm proud of it . Most of the time I can just judge by looking at a space if it matches the blueprints of the house or not . It 's important to have the blueprints . If a person doesn 't have the blueprints for his or her own house , that person is being irresponsible and doesn 't deserve to live in that house . They should lose that house and it should be given to someone like me who can read and understand and appreciate blueprints . Then once a person gets the blueprints for the house , it isn 't enough to just have the blueprints , you have to check . You have to check the blueprints , because you didn 't make those blueprints , how do you know they 're right ? You don 't . That 's all there is to it . If the blue prints are off , how could you possibly know if the dining room is level enough or not . Or if the room is as big as it says it is ? You have no way of knowing . Then you walk through the room at night , or when the lights are off , if you have lights , and then you stub your toe in the doorway and you wonder why . Know your house . Know everything about it . Know the insides and outs , know the quickest way to get everywhere . You should . It 's your house , you paid good money for it , and if anything happens in that house , you 're responsible for it . You 're responsible for the contents of that house and no matter how much planning you did , no matter how much thought you put into it , nothing can forgive not knowing your house all the way through to the core . From the south west base of the house to the northwest corner . From the garage , all the way up to the back bedroom . Know that house . Know the dangers that are there . This floor is not fucking level . Worse yet . It has lumps . Humps . Peaks and valleys . Hills and dales . It 's a roller coaster . Everything has to be level . Nowhere in the blueprints does it say that the floor should be roller coaster . The average person wouldn 't even know that the floor is almost an inch off level in the corner . Why would they not know that ? They probably haven 't measured . They probably haven 't gone to get the blueprints and looked at them . I 'd be amazed if anyone even knows where to get blueprints . It 's simple . I went to get blueprints the day after I bought this house . It 's very simple . Leave the house . Figure out where you 're standing in relation to the nearest bus stop . Get on the bus that will take you to the trains . The beautiful trains . Admire the trains , appreciate them . Every fifteen minutes they fly by at terrific speeds . The ones you need stop , the ones you don 't , don 't . They 're large and rectangular and when they move they say " clack clack . clack clack " Like dominos . Running by in a blur of motion . Clack clack clack clack . Get on the train that runs into the city . When the train stops at the fifth stop , get off the train . Watch the train leave . Understand that the train is gone , but it will be back when you need it . Take a moment . Breathe . It will be back . It will be back . Back back . Back back . Clack clack . Walk down to Jefferson Street . Turn right . Walk straight four blocks . Washington , Adams , Jefferson , Madison . The streets are named for presidents . They 're named in order . One two three four . Right in a row . At Madison , turn left . Walk up 9 blocks . Walk from 9th to 18th street . Admire the order falling behind you , first to fourth then 9th to 18th . Walk to the third building in . Look at it . It 's the Department of Records . Walk in that building . Go to the third floor . Take the stairs . Always take the stairs . Listen to your feet . In room 309 there is a woman named Anne . Speak to her . There will be forms to fill out . Fill out the forms . Give them back to Anne . She 'll give you a roll of blueprints . Leave the building and get home following the directions in reverse . These are important documents to have . Everything important is in these blue lines . Study them . Remember them . Check them over and over . Spread them out on the floor and hover over each blue line until you know it like you know yourself . Like the palm of your hand , like you know the palm of your hand connects to your forearm and up through the rest of your body . Each turn is important . All the lines are connected . Blue streams of squares . Sectioned , square and sequential . Each place is going someplace else . A constant blue blur of motion . Nothing bad can happen if you know where everything is at all times . I have my blue prints , I 've had them since before I bought the house . I had them since I lived in my last house . I have all the blueprints for all my houses . Each one more important than the next . Each floor of each house was off kilter at some point . I fixed each one with increasing speed and proficiency . Speed is important , always . I need to fix this house . I need to make it right . The floors will be perfect . The floors will be level . The dominos will run through this house like blood , this house will live again . My house will be my home with the soothing clack clack of motion and black . When I woke up this morning , Bob was already in his chair working through cubes . He was finishing a cube and placing it on the floor next to him . Then he 'd get another cube , solve it , and place it next to the first . I 'm not sure what he was doing , but the second and fourth cube were at least a quarter of an inch out of line . I didn 't tell him . I don 't think he would 've heard anyway . I left him go . Besides . I had a lot to do . Bob will be fine in his chair . He 's got bags of those cubes . I need lumber . I could just call the lumber yard and have it delivered , but they won 't pick the right pieces . I need ten eight foot pieces and fourteen ten foot pieces . I can 't wait . The lumber yard is down by the river . It 's within walking distance . It 's a few miles away . Lumber . I 'm goingggg to geeeettt lumbeeerrr . I 'm singingggg aboutttttt lummbeer . It 's lumber day . Things are under . Things are under way ! The only problem with going to the lumber yard is dealing with all the guys who work at the lumber yard . It 's a commotion down there , which I enjoy , but all the guys can really get in the way of things . I don 't really know how anyone works around so many people without killing someone . When I get there I have to speak with the manager right away , so that I can get enough space so that nobody else speaks to me . I hope he understands . He needs to understand and he needs to understand in a very short amount of time , because picking this lumber could very easily take all day . A lot goes into the picking of these timbers and I need him to understand that I cant be disturbed by any of his workers or any of their fantastic machines . I 'll pull the lumber myself , put it in a pile and then one of his machines can come and pick it up , put it on a truck and then they can take it to my house , then drop it on the ground , then I 'll pull the wood into my house and get to work . It 's important that I 'm not bothered . It 's a long walk from my house to the lumber yard . It 's a nice day though . I 've made this walk in the dead of winter . That 's not nearly as enjoyable . Less singing . Significantly less singing . In order to get nearly anywhere I have to walk past the Aramingo Deli . I just refer to it as the deli . It 's the best deli in town and as luck would have it : it 's just around the corner . Lucky for me . Lucky for them . It 's amazing and I love it . I love this deli because they have great sandwiches . I found out that this deli has great sandwiches because my exwife went to highschool with the owner . She and he went to highschool around the corner . They grew up together . Whenever I get a sandwich , Tony Aramingo , the owner of the deli will often tell me a story about my exwife and something they did together in the past . Maybe tell me a story about something they did together with their old group of friends . Maybe tell me how they used to date and isn 't that something . And no it 's not , I 'd just like a deli sandwich please . And a half a pound of cheese . For Bob . Rubi Bob likes cheese sandwiches and I like to make Rubi Bob cheese sandwiches . So I get cheese and bread for the sandwiches . Please give me my order so I can leave , so I can leave and go around the corner and feed me and feed bob and get back to work . Please give me the sandwiches . The windows are bright today . He must be busy . He 's a fat , loud man and I hope he doesn 't see me walk by . I 've got too much going on today to deal with that fat man , despite his delicious deli sandwiches . He 's busy . Thank god he 's busy . Don 't let him ruin Lumber day . It 's not often I get to go outside . It 's not often I get to go to the lumber yard and pick out perfect specimens of lumber which were borne from perfect specimens of trees , which were cut down months ago in some remote and wonderful part of the world just for me . They were planted at a tree farm , or grew naturally . If they grew naturally , it makes the experience all the more remarkable . Thousands of years of history go falling back , falling back into quiet nothingness , watching great trees bare seeds , seeds take root , saplings are formed , those saplings weather all the tortures of the elements . Winds and rain beat at a thin little tree , shoving it as far as it will bend , it has to hold . It has to hold . Don 't snap little sapling , my floors are bent and need you to fix them , ancient sapling . Ancient sapling who grows to a large tree , and bears seed and has his own sapling , and so goes the cycle again . Incessant motion speeds through time making it ok for me to wake up today , walk by Rubicks Bob , past the Aramingo Deli , and into my shoes right this instant . Streams of incidents , smashing and pushing the next along , just so this day exists for me . All right there stretching out in front of me . Amazing . Amazing and beautiful . That thought carries me past the deli , and for just a moment I see fat Tony Aramingo working the meat slicing machine . For just a moment , he sees me too and smirks one of his fat little smirks . I shouldn 't tease him about his weight , if I worked in his shop , I 'd be just as fat . His sandwiches are so good . If I could spend more time in there I would . I 'd be four hundred pounds . I know I 'd be four hundred pounds . If I worked there , everything would align itself and I would put on a dangerous amount of weight , and I 'd die of a heart attack in the bathroom . Bob would be devastated . Actually , he 'd probably be more devastated about not being able to use the bathroom . Nobody would ever even find out if I died in my bathroom because I put on a lot of weight from working at The Deli . Then went home from the deli and went to the bathroom . Then I 'd have to grab my chest . Then I 'd scream , or gasp . Then I 'd fall over . I might even hit my head on that old newspaper on the toilet that I never read . Then I 'd die . Then Bob would have to use the bathroom after a while . He 'd find my dead body . He 'd scream a bit . Then he 'd probably use the bathroom and then his brain would run through a remarkable amount of numbers and computations . He does that when he 's upset . Then whenever that finished he 'd probably leave and go to the Toy Store and buy a few cubes . Then he 'd go to his apartment . Leaving my body to it 's own devices . Bob doesn 't talk to anyone , especially in a situation like that where he 'd be frantic . Nobody would find me for weeks . Nobody would look for me . Nobody would care much . Maybe Tony Aramingo . It would cut into his profits and his fun . But that 's exactly how that would go . It 's all lined up . If I were to get a job at Tony Aramingo 's I would die within two years of my first day on the job . The lumber yard is owned and operated by a man named Jack . I 've dealt with him enough times that he should understand what I need by now . He 's a busy guy but he should remember me . I don 't come there often , and I certainly don 't look like most of his customers . I don 't look like I 'm in construction or anything like that . Besides . I 'm very awkward and guys like that tend to hate me . I don 't talk loud enough . He works by machinery and saws all day . It 's a tough conversation just due to the dynamic of it , but on top of that I 'm uncomfortable talking to people . I get stuck . The lumber yard is a massive place . It 's just on the river and it 's enclosed in chain link fence and barbed wire . There 's a security guard at the gate and I 'm not sure why . I don 't know why the need to guard lumber so tightly , but then I don 't know anything about the lumber business . There 's probably a whole string of reasons why . It seems to be working for them whatever the reason , business seems to be going well . There 's a large entry gate into the yard . It 's so that trucks and such can go through . The road is unpaved , it 's a gravel lot and it 's muddy . I didn 't wear proper shoes . I don 't have proper shoes . I only have one pair of shoes . They 're black shoes . They have white laces . I like black and I like white . I don 't like mud . I 'm going to need new laces after today . I hadn 't thought of that before I came down . It 's not a big deal . I 'll think of the lumber . Think of the lumber . Progress . Progress . The yard is a flurry of motion . There are men everywhere . The majority of them are wearing flannel shirts , brown boots and leather gloves . Men are walking places with piles of lumber on their shoulders . Men are driving fork lifts . Men are yelling at other men to pick up lumber , or drive a fork lift closer to them . It 's a flurry of motion . If it were all for a similar purpose it would be the greatest place in the world . But the motion is uninhibited and uncontrolled . Men are walking to wherever they want at any random point . Any sound , any situation can set them off in a different direction . Lots of yelling . If all this were streamlined I don 't think I 'd ever leave . If all of this were streamlined I would never leave . That 's all there is to it . I need to talk to the security guard . I have to . If I don 't talk to him , I wont get to see Jack the owner operator who inherited the business from his father . His father who inherited the business from his father . Presumably the business will run downward to Jacks son , Jack 's sapling , Bruce . Who is a nice guy and who works in the office . But first , before all that , I need to figure out how I 'm going to talk to the security guard who is a large , imposing man . He 's going to talk loudly , and curtly and he 's not going to like me and it 's going to be frightening . Just breathe just breathe . Do it . " Excuse me . " I must have said it too low because he didn 't hear me at all . He didn 't even look at me . For a moment I think , that 's it . That 's the end of the day . Everything led downhill to this moment and it didn 't work , so get out of here and go home . Start tomorrow . The first time I came down here it took me six tries to just to get past that gate and into the lumber yard . I just don 't like people . I need to adjust . Subtle tweaks in spacing can make or break any set up . Tip anything the wrong way and you can ruin everything . You knock everything down and you have to go back and start fresh . I 'm already almost done with this security guard and I 've only said two words . " Excuse me , sir " And then it worked . And then he turned and we 're off and running . Get it over with quick , just be careful you don 't get swept over . It 's important you figure this out . Get it done get it done . The house needs to be fixed . Plans are in motion . Motion this is part of that motion , be careful , don 't go to quick , don 't go to slow , just move steadily . Clack right through . " Can I help you . " He said . He seems nice , but he 's a bit off . He doesn 't like me already . He 's spooked . He 's going to fall the wrong way and ruin everything . Say something say something quick . " Let me see if he 's here . " He turns to use the phone and I can tell he 's sort of afraid of me . Not afraid . That 's not the right word . He doesn 't like me very much . He thinks I 'm weird . Everyone thinks I 'm weird . I don 't mean to be weird . I just don 't like people very much . That 's all . I like watching the order of things and I don 't get along well with people . I used to get along well with people , but not anymore . Those day 's are done . I don 't like people very much , they 're scary and I just want my wood so I can finish my house so I can start the build and I need to start today or everything is ruined . So many plans . So many plans . Please , please just let me in . It 's so much . It 's so much . Breathe . Breathe . Breathe . " Oh thank god ! " I said it as I was thinking of breathing and it came out in a huff and he looked at me strangely and I rushed right in . I tried to hurry without splashing too much mud on my shoes . It made for a strange walk . Some of the men noticed . I noticed them noticing and tried to walk more normally . Trying to walk normally is more difficult then you would think . I 'm thinking that people are looking at me because of the way I 'm walking , so I have to try to right my walk and walk more how I walk , but how does anyone walk ? How do I walk normally ? I never thought of it . I just walk . Now I 'm being awkward . More people are looking at me . My shoelaces are brown . I need more time . I need more time . " Hey . " He 's looking at me strangely . I just need lumber and I 'm going to leave . Please let me get what I need . Jack . Please Jack . Jack Sapling . This wood was put here for me thousands of years ago and now it 's here or me . And now I 'm here to pick it up and I need it and please don 't get in my way it 's important you don 't get in my way . I need the wood for the house so I can start . Please please please . " Look " he said . " If you want lumber , you can get it here , but you can 't be here all day like last time . You took up entirely too much space last time and this is a business and I 've got a lot to do . If you can get in there , pick out what you need for whatever it is you need it for , but it 's got to be quick and it 's got to be now . " " If not , " he said " you have to get your lumber someplace else . I don 't have the patience for you today . " He remembered me from the last time I was here . He remembers me and he doesn 't like me because last time I took too long because the timber wasn 't right and I needed it to be perfect . I took a long time because it needs to be right , and he doesn 't understand and I made him mad . And I 've ruined it now and I don 't know what to do . Hurry . Hurry . Motion and quickness . You can do this . You 've done this enough times in the past to get this done as quickly as you can . Focus . Focus on the task . There are so many things in the way . Business has boomed for Jack . He 's doing too well , there 's too much commotion . Get it done . Go . The logs are organized on giant shelves . There are hundreds of the types that I need . I need to get lucky and find the perfect ones as quickly as possible . I don 't know how that 's possible . There are a lot of things to considers . Knots are signs of weakness , little holes in the wood . But they 're ok and I like them . I just don 't like a lot of them . A few is fine , any more than a few are no good . They 're garbage instantly . That 's easy . That 's an easy way to cut the number of possible selections down quickly . I should 've brought Bob . He counts quickly . I don 't . There are too many to deal with . I need a few knots , not too many . And they need to be square , perfectly square . Otherwise they 're useless to me . Especially the tops . If the tops aren 't perfectly flat , then they 're ineffective as leveling devices . The floor must be level otherwise the routes become muddled . I can 't force the routes , the routes have to go wherever they must go . I can 't dodge lumps and bumps in my flooring . It 's my fucking floor , its mine to fix . I need it level . I don 't have time for this . All of history has led to these pieces of wood being laid out before me . Everything every move in the planet has dictated that these wood be mine to choose from . And Jack is ruining everything . There are too many , too many . The selecting is impossible . It 's frantic and hurried . Pull them . Just pull them . No . I need to look , figure it out . Figure it out . How can you get this done . Just pick , c ' mon . You 're wasting time . Move . I attacked the stack of lumber . I jumped up on top of one pile , and just took each piece with one hand and threw it behind me as I sorted . Straight behind me . Just sorting as fast as I possibly could , and not really thinking about what was behind me . I shut down most of my brain and just set to throwing these timbers down behind me . Just trying to get a quick glance at each piece before moving on to the next . I was making a bit of a mess , but I didn 't have time to worry about that . They probably pay someone to come out and clean the grounds when people start throwing logs around . I 'll bet it happens all the time . " What the fuck are you doing ? " Jack was running up , keep sorting . He 's going to throw you out , quick quick . Keep sorting . The timbers were making " Bong bong bong " noises as they clattered on the ground and bumped into other pieces of wood . It was a good sound , but not very soothing . It 's not really important if he throws you out , there 's another lumber yard a few blocks away . But we need to get sorted . Get started . " I 'm trying to be fast , I 'm sorry . " I said back to him . I 'm praying he heard that , he looks like he 'd want to hit me if I don 't answer the right way . And he could , they 'd have no way of knowing he hit me . Even if He wound up beating the hell out of me , there 's enough people here to cover it up and he 'll get away fine . He could kill me . All his worker bees could bury me right below all these saplings and nobody would ever know . Bob , would just live in my apartment going about his day like nothing ever happened . Like he never met me in the first place . He 'd probably be better off , but I don 't know who would fix him sandwiches . No time to worry about that . " Fast ? What the fuck are you throwing everything all over the place for ? You 're going to kill somebody ! " He 's mad . Tell him about the dominos . Let him know why you need them . At the very least tell him something . " I can 't have too many knots . I can 't have too many knots because it spoils the wood . If the wood is spoiled the wood is weak , and if the wood is weak it wont - it wont be able to help me . I just need the wood . The wood was put here for me . The wood existed from forever ago and it grew up and found me and now it 's here for me and I need to take it now but I have to find it first please . I need to find it so I can use it for what it 's for . You didn 't stop me last time . I was slower last time but you didn 't stop me . You didn 't stop me because you weren 't as busy . You weren 't as busy because your business wasn 't as strong . Your business wasn 't as strong because you weren 't as busy - - . " " Shut up ! Christ . C ' mon . Get your shit . Let 's go . " He 's angry . I don 't know why he 's angry . I haven 't done anything wrong . ' M going to pay . It 's not like I 'm not going to pay . " Please , I 'll just take these . Please . I 'll make it work . Please . Please . Please . " I grabbed him . I didn 't mean to but I did , he was walking away and he was literally dragging me through the mud . " Please , please . " I begged him . I was so close to getting started , even closer to being finished . " I 've been coming here for years , please just let me go . " " Ok , all right . Get offa me . Christ man . What the fuck is with you . " He was standing over me . I was sitting in the mud . " I think so . " Ten eight and 14 ten . Please . " He helped me up . I was crying . I didn 't realize I was crying . It 's been a while since I 'd cried . I had a better reason the last time . This was ridiculous . But it 's important . Jack should not have pushed me like that . I didn 't do anything wrong . I just needed everything to work out perfectly . Now I have to work with these misshapen timbers . I don 't know if it 's going to work anymore . All this planning . All this planning . All this planning . I left the lumber yard after I finalized the delivery and paid for everything . Lumber is more expensive than you think . It 's all right . I have the money for a little while longer . Everything is almost done anyway . On the way back I walked by The Deli . I hoped Tony wouldn 't be outside . He 's outside a lot when I walk by . I 'm sure there are a lot of reasons for why that is , but I don 't know any of them . I just have to think " it 's one of those things . " And I hate thinking that . I 'll have to work out why he almost always manages to be out front when I walk by . It 's probably just because he 's always outside and I walk by a lot . Probably just a probability thing . I should ask Bob when I get home , presuming Bob is still at my house . But , I 'm pretty sure he is . He had all his cubes with him today and I know he doesn 't have anything to do . More than likely he 's at my house solving cube after cube after cube , it 's only been a few hours . Tony is outside . Tony is outside because he 's hosing down the pavement . He 's hosing down the pavement because it makes him look like he 's doing something even though he 's doing nothing at all . There is no reason in the world to hose down a pavement . Not that I 'm aware of . If it didn 't mean speaking to Tony Aramingo , I would ask Tony Aramingo why he hosed down the sidewalk . Tony is a fat man with a hose . He usually wears whites . Deli garb . When a man works at a deli , he 's usually covered in bits of lunchmeat . Blood really . He 's covered in blood . Not Tony . Tony was scott clean . Tony was always scot clean . He made sure he never did an ounce of work , but reaped all the benefits . There 's a kid here , he works here for extra money for school . He works for extra money because his folks cant afford to send him to school . I overheard him talking about it while waiting for a hoagie one day . He 's a nice kid . At the end of the day he 's always covered over in evidence of his day at work . Sweat , dirt , sandwich bits . He works hard . Tony hoses the sidewalk . Just keeps everything outside looking clean . That 's Tony Aramingo . He was outside on my way back from the lumber yard . " Yo ! " He said . He was hosing my way . It was too late to cross the street . For most of the way back I was going through patterns in my head . Things to do , ways to place all the dominos . Would I have enough ? Probably not . I 'd need to get to the store and get another big order . Patterns . Hearts . Stars . Figure eights . Lanes and twists . One at a time . A steady hand and a pure , focused mind . Each black figure floating towards the finish line . Each shape divine and different . We 're running now . Look at the black shapes . They 're going to keep going , flowing together . It 's easy for me to fall into these thoughts and it speeds the walk along . My shoes make good sounds on the pavement . The faster I walk the faster it blurs the faster I walk the faster it goes . I lose concentration . I sort of go away . Sometimes I wind up far past my house . Once I came around at a red light sixteen blocks from my house . It took about an hour to walk back . I must 've just soothed down into the sounds for an hour . But it wasn 't wasted time . A lot of planning got done on that trip . Today was one of those days . I could 've walked to the other side of the earth if Tony Aramingo and his hose hadn 't come along . I should have crossed the street . If I had been thinking of the double shift line instead of the double wrap around , I probably would 've crossed the street . But I wasn 't , and now I had to live with that choice . I was thinking of the double shift , I wouldve been across the street and I could 've avoided this whole problem . Now I have to deal with this fat idiot and his hose . Though . His hose is fascinating . Water is entrancing . Fluid . Like Dominos . " Home . " I was still walking fast . I was walking faster and faster as I got closer and closer . I was trying to match the sound of my shoes to the sound of the water . Both were splatting against the pavement . My shoes were still mushy and wet from the mud . The faster I walked the closer I got to reaching a harmonic rhythm with the water . Just keep it up . Don 't listen to this idiot . He 's going to ruin your whole day . Just keep walking past . Just try to get by . I 'm going to have to cross that river of water eventually . I can wash all the mud off my shoes . That would be helpful , but I should just jump over it and keep going . I don 't want to splash the water and ruin the sound . I need to get home . I should tell bob about my day , about all the commotion at the lumber yard . He 'd like the lumber yard I don 't know why I 've never taken him down there . Lots of stacks of rectangles . " Yes . I 'm headed home because I left because I had to go to the lumber yard because I needed lumber but there was a situation where Jack was yelling at me because I was making a mess . I was making a mess because I was in a hurry . I was in a hurry because the last time , I was there too long for Jack . Jack got the lumber yard from his father . Who got it from his father . . . " " Right . Right . Lumber . Ya gotta have lumber . " What 's the point of talking ? Why would anyone waste their time saying things like this man just let fly out of his mouth . Nobody gained anything from what he just said . I don 't even know what is going on . " You want a sandwich ? " Damn . I did . I did want a sandwich . One of those ones where he puts the olive oil on the roll before he puts the lunch meat on there , then bakes the whole thing so the olive oil works into the roll . Oh . Oh damn . I do want a sandwich . Damn . " I would like a sandwich , yes . I 'm hungry because I was at the lumber yard earlier and there was a lot of commotion and it made me hungry . There was a lot of commotion because - " " Yeah , right . Lumber . I 'll fix you somethin nice . " He brought me into the store . I wasn 't expecting to go into the store today . My feet were muddy . I was going to tell him but then I 'd wind up telling him about why they were muddy and I 'd be back into the lumber story again . It 's hard for me not to tell the whole story all the time . If he asked me why my feet were muddy , and I just said " mud . " it wouldn 't be much of an explanation , would it ? Of course there was mud at some point . That much is clear , but then when do you stop ? When do you stop telling him about why your feet were muddy ? The lumber ? The floor ? The dominos ? The house before this ? The event ? High school ? It goes back and back and back . When does it end ? " Yeah , we 'll get you fixed up . " he says . He 's looking at me now . He always sort of stares at you . It makes a person uncomfortable . I think he likes that , gives him a little feeling of power before he starts in on you . Or at the very least that 's what he does before he talks to me . Every time . Every single time . " You know I was with Elaine before you right ? " I nodded . I did know that . He always told me . He always told me right after he asked if I wanted provolone . If nothing else , I admired the consistency of the event . It was always the same . It moved the same way . I liked that about it . I liked that and provolone cheese and olive oil . He 's going to talk about the springtime dance . And then he 's going to talk about make out point . And then he 's going to tell me half of the story so that my imagination runs away with me and I try to figure out exactly what happened that night . He figures I 'll assume the worst and then feel bad all day . That 's how he works . That 's how his mind works . One by one by one . " You know I took her to the Springtime dance one time right ? " I nodded . He took my Elaine to the Springtime Dance . She didn 't have a good time . She told me so . She said that he just walked around and talked to his friends the whole time , while she sat and drank punch on the far side of the room . When they danced he stepped on her feet and his breath smelled like he 'd been drinking . She wasn 't sure if he had been , but she was always a bit naive . He had been . He brought a flask of Jack Daniels in his inside pocket . " Man . I was banged up that night . I brought a flask of Jack Daniels in that inside pocket . You know the ones in the suits ? " I nodded . I did . I 've worn suits . I had a black one that I wore from time to time , on big occasions . My life is slowly running out of big occasions so I get less and less use out of the suit . I had a few chances to wear the suit in the last year or so , but I was busy on the days of the events , so I stayed at home and worked , but wore the suit while I structured and built . I like the suit . It 's layered and leveled . The tie got in the way a few times . It started a few lines now and again . It was irritating but challenging . I am very patient . We 're the only two people in the store . I 'm not sure where the kid is . The one who 's usually working his tail off while Tony hoses the street . There aren 't any customers . It 's a strange hour of the day . Most people are at work . Tony is at work . He 's filling a roll with a selection of meats and provolone cheese . He continues . He goes on . And on . " We dance all night . Oh boy . It was a blast . " They only danced for three songs , and when they did , he stepped on her toes and she smelled his breath . That 's all that happened . I know this because she told me . I know it with all my heart because she told me . She wouldn 't lie to me . Never . " Then afterwards , " This is where it gets hard to be in this store . To be so close to this fat man who is in charge of most of my eating . I hate this part of the story . But that 's where we are in the conversation and this is where it 's going . He 's going to hit the cliffhanger . He 's purged through all the boring setup that doesn 't really set much up at all , and now he 's going to go for the cliffhanger . Here we go . He 's got that smirk on his face . Just a slow grin that lets out that same smell that she must have smelled that night so long ago that exists so differently for the both of them . Here it goes . " And then we went up to Look Out Point . But you don 't want to hear about that though . That 's not something you 're interested in . I mean , hellcat . You know what I mean . She was a hellcat that night . " She wasn 't ever a hell cat . She was my wife . I 'd tell him so , but I 'd run through the entire story and if he interrupted me I don 't know what I would do . I had a dream about it once . I woke up crying . I was thrilled about it . He was terrible . " We get up there and she . Is . Hot . Let me tell you . . . " He 's touching my food and talking about my wife . Dreams . Put it aside . Think about dominos . Don 't think about him . Don 't think about her . Don 't think of the event . He 's almost through now . He 's at the cliff hanger . He 'll be done . " But I don 't think I need to go on . " He didn 't ever need to go on . He didn 't need to start . Today must have been different . I don 't know why . He kept talking . He was done making the sandwich , had wrapped it in deli paper , but decided to keep speaking . Luckily enough , he changed topic . But I wish he hadn 't . I wish he just handed me my sandwich and then I could leave and then I could eat this perfect meal and continue with my project . " What 's his name again ? " I 'd never told him in the first place but I guess it was fair to tell him . He had been feeding him for the last few months . " I call him Rubicks 's Bob because he likes Rubick 's Cubes and his name is Bob . " I don 't know how he knew I called him that , but I didn 't care . I just wanted to leave . I needed to get out of here . This conversation has gone on for long enough , and suddenly it 's going on for longer than it usually does and it 's making me uncomfortable . I started to sweat and I 'm sure it was noticeable . He was making me sweat and he was enjoying it . That 's what he wanted all along . That 's what he wants every time . He feels like I 'm some weak weirdo and he 's a big strong guy and it 's his job to pick on me and my job to be picked on . " Ahh , that 's right . That 's right . " He 's acting like he knew that . I 'm sure that he never did . " What 's he some kinda weirdo . " I started sweating even more . I was swaying back and forth . Fidgeting . He 's getting under my skin and he knows it . I don 't want to tell him anything about Bob . Bob shouldn 't be exposed to this horrible man , even though he makes a delicious sandwich . " I saw him walk by here a few times with those cubes of his . Pretty impressive stuff . " He did know Bob . And he knew what Bob did . Don 't destroy Bob , you filth . Don 't talk about Bob . Don 't talk about my wife . Don 't talk about Bob . Just make my sandwich and let me leave . " Yeah , maybe I should have a talk with him one of these days . I try to talk to everybody who walks by the store . Keep the community up , you know . " I know . He talks to everyone . He 's the gossip center of town . He starts every rumor . He digs into everyone 's lives and uses it for his own gain . He turns people against each other . Against me . And always . Always with the cliffhanger anecdotes , leaving you worry for the worst . He knows you know that he 's capable of the worst . Here it comes now . " Yeah , I should have a talk with him . Maybe me and him could work something out . . . . " Cliffhanger comment . What could they possibly have to talk about . I can 't even imagine . I 'll have to think about all the possible strings that could connect Bob and Tony to each other and what they together could connect to that would do anything for Tony . Bob is like me , he 's barely a person half of the time . Tony has been talking to me for fifteen minutes and I haven 't said a word , which is volumes more than what Bob would say . I 'm going to have to tell bob . I 'm going to have to do something for Bob . " It 's a shame me and you never got along . We used to get on ok , right ? " I nodded . " Back when you were a little more normal . Right before you killed your wife . . . " That Tony , always with the cliffhangers . I walked as fast as I could back to the house . Clack clack . I concentrated on my shoes . Clack clack . Clack clack . Not his place to bring that up . Not at all . He was there at the Spring Dance . That 's fine . Tell that story , that 's his story to tell and lie about . Not his place to talk about the event . None . Clack clack . Clack ! I got back to my house a few minutes later with sandwiches for me and Bob . I decided to wait to tell him about everything because if I started telling him about how he shouldn 't talk about Tony , I 'd have to tell him about Tony and my wife , and then I 'd have to tell him about my wife and the event . I can 't deal with that right now , besides , Bob seems to have encased himself in Rubick 's Cubes . When I left earlier that day he was solving cubes and lining them around his recliner . Over the course of the day , he had built those lines higher and higher . He was still solving cubes , furiously fast . He had created a box out of cubes , it ran completely around the recliner . He 'd stacked them up as high as the middle of the chair . " Winning . " He says that a lot when you ask him about the cubes . It 's all about winning . I 'd never seen him surround himself like this though . Walling himself off like he was . He was incessant , but his walls were starting to get too high for him to reach his bags of cubes . I wasn 't sure how he was going to continue at this point , or how he was going to finish . Or for that matter , what the finish was . What was the end of the game ? " Bag . " He said . Apparently I was the solution to the " how am I going to reach my bag " Puzzle . I grabbed his duffel bag and handed it to him over one of the walls of cubes . The one with all the blue facing out . He took it from me and didn 't say anything else . He just continued stacking and solving , solving and stacking . I let him go . I didn 't even mention the sandwich . It was better I didn 't , I might get caught in a situation where I run through the whole event . And I don 't need to do that right now . Not yet . I 'll tell him later . " I 'm going to go upstairs , Bob . If you need anything come get me . " I said it but it didn 't really mean much . I don 't think he heard a word of it . I briefly wondered how high he would go before he realized it would be impossible to completely enclose himself in the cubes . Or how he would get out . In order to close the box on himself , he 'd have to put a flat row of cubes over the top of the box . It would be physically impossible . Though I 've seen Bob do some pretty impressive things with a rubicks cube , I don 't know if he can suspend them in mid air . Maybe he could . I don 't have a lot of doubts about it either way . But eventually he 's going to run out of reach . He 's not tall enough to reach the ceiling even if he stands on the chair . I don 't think he is . Maybe he is . I don 't know . Though I question his ability to keep it structurally sound the whole way up . I know a thing or two about balance and that 's probably going to come over around the 20th level or so . It 'll just start swaying , and then other parts will sway , and then they 'll all sway too much and it 'll all come down . Nothing good lasts forever . Not me , not her , not bob or his hand made , color coordinated prison . I need to go lie down . I hate to do it , but I 'm going to eat my sandwich and take a nap . I should be working on the project . I should be working . Planning is great , but especially now , I just want to sit with my crates of dominos and set to work . Quiet . Organized . Nothing but hours upon hours of steady handed problem solving . No interruptions . I 'll be there in a few days . I don 't need much more . I need to stock up on food . I don 't know if I could handle going back to Aramingo 's . Maybe once or twice . Goddamn those sandwiches . He 'd be completely out of my life it weren 't for those sandwiches . The all consuming power of consumption . But I 'll be free of everything in a few days . Once I start laying the beginning tracks down , everything will fall behind . Fall behind . Fall forward . Forward motion like nothing else . Nobody 's seen anything like it . It 's important that I lie down for a little while . After I eat the sandwich . I 'll go over plans while I eat the sandwich , but that 'll be it . I can 't go much further until I get the lumber anyway . The unknown lumber . I wonder how that 's going to turn out . It better be close . I need it to work out . I also need to find my saw . I think I may have left it at my last house . I may have left it at the last house because I did such a good job last year of picking out lumber . I barely needed to alter anything . Of course that wound up ruining my whole day today . I should have seen that last time . I should have known that picking out the best lumber last time would start everything down a road that would lead to me hiding in my room while my friend hid from everything downstairs . I should have known that I wouldve wound up nearly getting tossed out of the lumber yard , then running into that fat jerk , then getting a sandwich and then . . . . AH ! No more . No more . Stop stop . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then he talked about my wife . And then he finished the sandwich and then he got that look in his eyes and then he talked about the event and then I took my sandwiches and I walked home clack clack clack and then I saw bob and he was boxing himself in and I had to help him do it . I helped him cage himself in his cubes and then I went upstairs to eat a sandwich from that fat fuck that fat prick how the fuck fuck fuck fatfuck . . . And then I blacked out . I fell down deep . Off the edge . Into a pool of water . It was water from his hose . From the clean man outside of the deli . The pool of water was rushing down to the gutter . I was in it . I was cruising along . Clack clack . The scene disappeared around me . The skies and the buildings all melted , replaced by black . Black Black . Two white dots in the distance . They erupted in the middle of all the blackness . Bang bang . I floated down below them . Diagonal spots hovering above me . Snake eyed domino coming to crush me . Clack Clack . Clack clack . Eyes of a train . Clack clack . Clack clack . I killed her on the train . Clack clack . She 's gone and I 'm here . I killed her and she killed me . Come back . Come back . There were too many people . I didn 't mean it . Too many things fell down the wrong way . If I had changed any one thing , she 'd be with me . In this house , but it would be full of life , she 'd be swirling around where ever she goes . There would be light . If she were still here , I 'd be all right . Just fine . Bob would be gone . The floor downstairs would be perfectly level and filled with furniture . This room with her clothing , other rooms filled with children and life . Movement . Forward movement . But she 's not . But she fell . But I pushed her . Clack clack . Clack clack " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC " It woke me . It was from downstairs . It was bob . I was still on the bed . I was half on my pillow , half on a sandwich . The nap and the sandwich ruined each other . Ruined . " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC . " My name is Eric . He 's calling for me . I don 't know why . Either he 's trapped , or it fell . One or the other . Maybe it 's both . It fell and he 's trapped underneath . Maybe I should leave him there and eat his sandwich . Shit . " Hang on . I 'll be right there . I was dreaming . I was sleeping . I napped . I was tired . " Exhausting to have to talk like that . I don 't know why I do it with Bob . I 'm not even sur he understands half the things I say anyway . " Eric Eric Eric Eric . " " I 'm coming , Bob . I 'm coming . " Moving forward through the hallway towards the stairs , I can hear him crying a little . He 's whimpering . I 'm still not sure if he succeeded or not , but whatever happened it made him sad . Whatever happens , it 's probably going to make you sad . It 's just an eventuality . You start off however you want . You 're going to wind up sad . It 's the last brick . Every time . Rounding the corner and setting foot on the first stair I can already see that I was right . There are cubes everywhere . Rubick 's bob has escaped his prison at least . That 's probably the best of it . But he 's probably furious that the building is either done , or demolished . He probably had his heart set on living inside that cube for the rest of his days . If that 's the way he wanted to go , I would have let him . I would have to make arrangements in the living room , but who am I to tell anybody how to live their lives . Die their deaths . Bob was on the floor . He was resting on his haunches . He was staring and he was crying a lot . More than I thought he 'd be . He was grabbing at the cubes . He was just sort of pushing them around , like he decided to bring them near him , and then decided to push them away at the last second . He was just sort of smearing them . Batting them like a cat . I didn 't really know what to do . Bob and I didn 't even know each other all that well . We just share similar obsessions . I almost said psychosis just then . That wouldn 't have been accurate or fair . We just enjoy different things and we enjoy them more than most people . It 's not a crime . Not yet anyway . Bob just sort of gestured around him like I didn 't see the cubes everywhere and then said nothing . I didn 't know what to do . " What should I do Bob , I don 't know what to do . " He just kept crying and batting the cubes around . Swirling the mess . Each cube running off at random into another cube like atoms smashing . They made a beautiful sound , but I couldn 't hear over Bob 's constant crying . Screaming . Like a child . " Come on Bob , get in your chair . You shouldn 't sit on the floor , you 'll get sick . " I 'm pretty sure it 's not true , but it 's something my mother always told me when I was a child . Most of the time it didn 't make sense . I knew it even then , but it was comforting to know she was looking out for me . She wanted me to get off the floor because I was her child and she wanted me to be safe and probably , just like now , for me to stop screaming . I picked him up under his armpits and helped him back into his chair . I had to brush a few cubes off the seat in order to set him down . As they clacked on the ground he kicked them and sent them skittering off towards the front door . He looked like he hated them . I knew how he felt . But it didn 't matter . I couldn 't relate that to him . He was just angry that his castle fell . When he was seated his wails slowed somewhat , though he was still clearly upset . I reached down and picked up a cube and scrambled it . He lunged at it and solved it in about ten seconds . His right hand made the first turn . After that I couldn 't tell what he was doing . " I got you a sandwich , you want a sandwich . " He didn 't answer , he just shook his head and scrambled his cube . I handed him the mystery sandwich . I didn 't see what Tony fixed him . I started " I didn 't see . . . " But I cut myself off . I didn 't want to get into it again . I just handed him a paper square which presumably hid a sandwich inside . He took it and opened it up . There was a ham and cheese on rye with lettuce , tomato , onion and pickles . It was cut diagonally and I each half had a frilly toothpick stabbed through the center . One was red and one was green . There was also a piece of paper stabbed through the green one . It rested on the sandwich . He pulled the green toothpick , looked at the card and put it in his top pocket . Then he started to eat the sandwich . " What 's it say on the card , Bob . " Bob had a mouth full of sandwich meat and didn 't even look up at me . I can 't figure this guy out and he lives in my house . Sometimes he seems like a five year old child , then other times he 's like a grown man . He just looks like an average guy , eating a sandwich , brushing off a ridiculous comment by one of his buddies . He looked at me like I was crazy . His eyes said " What ? Like I 'm going to tell you ? You crazy prick . " " Bob ? Bob what 's on the card , Bob . I bought you the sandwich Bob . " He looked up at me with a mouth full of meat and cheese and said " says not to show you . " " The card says not to show me ? " That fat bastard is slipping notes to my friend and he 's dumb enough to put it in the sandwich I bought , like we weren 't going to eat it together and then writes " don 't tell Eric . " among whatever else is on that card . That takes a lot of guts . Fat , fat guts . " Bob . Show me the card . I paid for the card Bob . Let me see that card . " I was getting angry with Bob . I just picked him up off the floor . He should show me what it says on the card . " Bob I just picked you up off the floor Bob . Show me the card . " " Fuck that card Bob . I just picked you up off the floor because you were on the floor crying because you woke me up because I was sleeping because I was tired from the day because I had to deal with the fat asshole who gave you that card because he was out front washing the sidewalk for no fucking reason while I walked by because I had to go get lumber for my project because the floors are uneven because . . . . because tell me what 's on the card Bob . " it takes a lot to get me angry , but I made a lunge for him . It didn 't really need to be much of a lunge . I said this " nyahh ! " as I lunged ! Bob didn 't even move . He just kept chewing . I guess because the card didn 't say I couldn 't read it , just that he shouldn 't show me . I read the card . Here 's what it says : " I think me and you could should work something out . You should give me a call . Maybe we can make each other some money . " then it listed his number . I don 't know what it meant really . I just know I don 't want that guy anywhere near Bob . " Bob . Forget this happened . You don 't want to deal with this guy . He 's a bad person . He 's a bad person because . . . because . . . . because I say so Bob . You understand ? " On the other side of the card was another phone number . It said " This is it , Bob . You and me . " It was a one eight hundred number . I have no idea what it could be for . How could Bob make anyone any money . Also , why don 't I have a phone ? Oh yeah . That 's why . I 've got some things to work out now . I have to find a phone or talk to Tony . I cannot and I will not talk to Tony ever again . Unless it 's a sandwich order . That 's the only way . If he starts talking to me in any other way , I will not speak to him , or I will crush him . One or the other . I 've got to figure out what this number is for . How Bob could help Tony . Though , Tony has an angle on everything . I think Tony thinks I 'm very crazy , when in fact , I " m just a little crazy . I don 't think that guy ever said a word to me before everything happened . Then , after everything happened , I started coming around a bit more and he would just tell me whatever was on his mind because he 's never really heard me talk . I don 't talk much . I wind up nodding ninety percent of the time I 've seen him . He thinks I 'm fully gone , so he doesn 't have any problems talking to me about whatever is on his mind . Tony runs that Deli . He doesn 't do much there , but he 's got his feet wet in a few other areas of life . His deli isn 't even how he makes most of his money . He scams a lot of good people out of their money . He knows a lot of the wrong people . He helps a lot of the wrong people wash their money through his deli . He 's not a good person . More than likely he 's spotted a mark in Bob and is going to try to take advantage of him . I cannot , will not allow that to happen . I 'll need to set things in motion so that doesn 't happen . I need a phone . Chapter Four Bob finished his sandwich and fell asleep sitting up . He had the wrapping papers and what looked to be half the weight of the sandwich in crumb form all over his chest . The red toothpick was in his mouth . I picked up the paper and the green toothpick , brushed some crumbs off him onto the paper and threw it away . I tried to pull the red toothpick out of his mouth , but he started to stir when I pulled on it . So I stopped . I let him have it . I just hoped he wouldn 't choke . He probably wouldn 't . I still had the card in my hand . He probably had forgotten all about it by now . He was sleeping and that was that as far as he was concerned . Just to be sure I mixed up forty or so cubes on the floor . Whatever happened , he wouldn 't be able to move until he found all the one 's that were scrambled , then righted them all . I spread them around . Some were solved , some weren 't . Some had just the top face of them untouched . He would have to sort through all of the cubes to figure out which were solved and which weren 't . He 'd be there for a while . It would give me time to get to a phone and figure out what was going on . There weren 't many places I could go to use a phone . Everyone has a cell phone these days . I don 't have a cell phone because I don 't like talking on the phone because I don 't like talking to people because I talk like this and it makes people hate me . I thought about the problem while I scrambled some cubes on the floor in front of a sleeping Rubicks Bob . A phone would be tricky . I didn 't know any of the neighbors . I was not about to go down to the deli . There were a few other stores within walking distances , but there weren 't any pay phones . I could walk into the store and ask to use the phone , but they wouldn 't let me use it . Why would they let a random man into their store to use the phone , especially one who rarely talks , and when he does , won 't stop talking . It 's a weird person to have floating around your store and it 's probably not a good idea to start a relationship with him . The train station . I could go to the train station . There are payphones at the train station . I saw the payphones at the train station when I was taking the train to get the blueprints for the house . I was getting the blueprints for the house so that I could measure everything . To be sure . I need to be sure . I need to know what 's on the other end of this phone line . What could Tony want with Rubicks Bob . I scrambled a few more cubes for good measure , and hid two in the closet . Bob would be counting as he solved the puzzles and he would realize that two were missing . He 'd tear the house apart looking for them . He wouldn 't figure everything out until later on when I get home . Phone . I didn 't get as far as I thought that I would . I shut the door behind me and walked down the stairs to the sidewalk . Across the street there was a woman leaving her house at the same time . I don 't know why . I 'd never seen her before . There aren 't many people who live on this block anymore . Especially My side of the block . My side of the block was empty . A series of abandoned row homes that had long since been bought and paid for , sold and moved out of , inhabited and uninhabited over the last few years . She must have been new . I didn 't even know that house was up for sale . I never saw the sign . I would have noticed . I had to put my head down though . I didn 't need to be bothered right now . I didn 't want to talk to anyone . This day had been ruined already with talking to people . I 've talked more in the last ten hours than I have in months . It 's been enough and I don 't really need this on top of everything else . I put my head down and walked a little faster for the sidewalk . " Hey ! Hey ! " She 's coming for me . She 's coming for me . No . No . No . Keep walking . Don 't run . That wouldn 't be nice . But don 't rule it out either . If she gets a little closer , maybe run . Think about running . But right now , walk quick like you have to get somewhere quick . And you do . You need to get to the phone as quick as you can . But she trumped me . She started running first . " Hey ! Wait up ! " and she started running towards me . I looked over my shoulder and saw her hustling as fast as she could . As soon as she saw me look , she knew there was no way I didn 't know she was talking to me . " Heeeyyy ! " She said as she got progressively closer . I was starting to look like one of those goofball sleepwalkers so I decided to make a run for it too . I 'm not very fast and I 'm wearing dress shoes , so keep that in mind . I was equal parts frightened and impressed by her ability to run at full speed and yell at the same time . She kept yelling for me to stop , but I couldn 't stop . I needed to get to the train station and I needed to not talk to her even more than that . So I took off . People driving by probably thought it looked a little strange . It 's a sexist country we live in . If the rolls were reversed and I were chasing her , someone would 've ran me over with a car by now . But she 's chasing after me and nobody seems to care . At least one car full of people was laughing at me . I was watching them laugh at me when I caught my foot on the curb and I fell onto the ground . I fell onto the ground and I landed on my knee and the skin on my knee tore open , then instinctively my hands went out to stop my fall , the skin on the pats of my hands pulled off . And then I sort of rolled , and in doing so scratched the side of my face on the ground . It had been a bad day . " Oh my god ! " she yelled . I scrambled to get back to my feet but she was on me before I could pull myself together . " Oh my god are you ok ? I 'm so sorry . " I was bleeding and wasn 't really all together by the time she came to me . I was a little rattled from the adrenaline . There was blood falling from my hands . I needed to get to a phone . Phone . Phone . " Phone . " I said . She doesn 't know what that means . I don 't really know why I said anything out loud . " No no . You don 't have to call anybody . I 'm not going to hurt you , I just wanted to say hello , then I tried to catch up with you , then you started running and then I wanted to catch up so that I could tell you I wasn 't really chasing you . And this looks really bad . I 'm so sorry . Here , let me help you up . " " No no . I 'm ok . " I started to stand up , but I was still a little frazzled . This woman liked to talk so much that she chased me down like a dog . We weren 't going to get along and I still had to get to the phone . " I don 't want to talk . I have to get to a phone . At the train station . " |
When we were kids and Dad took us to the beach , we did not go to Manhattan Beach . He liked swimming at Hermosa Beach , which is a few miles down the coast . But as we grew older and swimming in the ocean was less important than simply " being " at the ocean , we tended to gravitate to Manhattan Beach because the area has a nicer ambiance , parking is available for people who can 't walk very far , and as a bonus , the pier has a small aquarium at the end with educational exhibits . In November 2010 , I took our boy to California for Dad 's birthday . By that time , we knew our son probably would not live very much longer . In June he had been given 6 months to live and we knew time was running out . I wanted my family to see him - and him to see them - before he died . We had a wonderful visit ( which I wrote about in several posts in November 2010 ) . And on one very nearly perfect November day , I drove us to the Manhattan Beach pier and we got our feet wet . Yesterday went well . Inviting our friend for dinner was a very good thing for us and for her as well . The meal was practically perfect , but not quite … " It wouldn 't be Christmas , " my husband says , " without some sort of Leilani disaster . " Fixing pie continues to present challenges . What happened yesterday wasn 't exactly a disaster , but the presentation suffered a bit . The crumb crust I made from vanilla cookies for the banana cream pie that was dessert at yesterday 's meal was like concrete and very difficult to cut with the knife . And after I did finally mange to wrestle the piece I was trying to serve to our guest onto the spatula , I flipped it upside down on her plate . And the crust was in chunks . The misadventures yesterday with the pie , and our ability to laugh at them - - and probably just as important my ability to laugh at myself - - were a blessing in disguise . Yesterday was such a joy . A joyful heart is good medicine , but a broken spirit dries up the bones . I think all of us got a good dose of medicine yesterday , and I am hoping our bones were nourished as well . As Christmas was barely looming on the horizon , I was hoping to write something meaningful and contemplative and perhaps even a little profound and kept waiting for the Muse to strike . And now it is the night before the night before Christmas and the Muse appears not to be in a striking mood . So it goes … And another thing keeping me from wallowing in the bog as the day approaches is that must get my house in order . Yes ! I must . The house is a wreck , and I have lots to clean and dust . We normally have a quiet Christmas at home by ourselves , but this year I learned that our friend Judy was going to be alone this Christmas and I invited her for dinner . This will be the second Christmas for her since her husband died , and I am so glad she accepted our invitation . Like us , she has no family in the area , and so we have had Thanksgiving dinner there with her on several occasions . She has done this in the past . Richard was prepared , and so he pointed at me , and said " I am thankful for her . . . . " I was next in line , and I was not prepared . I was scrambling to think of what to say , and the first thing that popped into my mind was how I thankful I was that we had a new roof over our heads and that God had provided the finances for us to pay for it . I did not go into the details of just how much stress our leaking roof had caused in connection with Richard 's ADD and his paralysis in making a decision - - so his ability to pick up the phone and arrange for this was such an incredible relief . As she went around the table asking everybody , the responses started to become more and more spiritual , which was perfectly fine , but we both began to feel uncomfortable and almost embarrassed that our responses were mostly material than spiritual . was ground up for Thanksgiving relish ( I get quite the same satisfying feeling when I put a blood - filled tick in a bowl of water and crush it with a pair of pliers , but that 's a story for another time ) . That special time with my Dad is one I cherish . Since we moved here , it has been " Friendsgiving , " and we have indeed been blessed with friends who have opened their homes to us for a day of food and fellowship . I am so thankful for all of these people that God has put in our path . am also very thankful that we have a new roof over our heads . The crew came out on Monday . They had to do more than just replace old shingles with new ones . They replaced rotten boards , removed a chimney , and removed two skylights . Even so , they managed to finish the job in the early afternoon on Tuesday - just in time - because by late afternoon , it began to rain . For the first time in quite a while we were able to stand by the front door ( which is actually the back door ) without watching water drip from the ceiling and pour down the wall . It is think that is a better thing than thanksgiving : thanks - living . How is this to be done ? By a general cheerfulness of manner , by an obedience to Home Again , Home Again , Jiggity Jig It is truly lovely when none of the stressful things one anticipates might happen actually happen . All of the flights both coming and going were on time , and there were no unexpected gate changes at Dallas - Ft . Worth . The airline failed to provide a wheelchair when I got off the airplane at Dallas - Ft Worth , but I was able to get to the departure gate under my own power without difficulty and was allowed to pre - board the plane going to Los Angeles . That meant I could get myself and my carry - on down the aisle without whacking anybody on the way . When I told a friend I was going to see my brothers and sister , she wanted to know if we got along . Yes . We do get along . When our mother was alive , she frequently reminded us not to let the occasional flare - up between us get out of control , not to feed it and let it turn into a root of bitterness . " We 're not a - havin ' that in our family , " she 'd say . We did have our moments when we were younger , though . The boys were sort of ornery and they teased me quite a bit . They reminded me of the time they got on my last nerve when I was doing the dishes . I came after them brandishing a cast - iron skillet and chased them down the sidewalk . What must the neighbors have thought ? Fortunately for all of us , they were fast runners and I was not , and we all ended up laughing hysterically at the spectacle of ourselves . My brother 's granddaughter turned 1 year old last Friday , My heart leaps up when I think about seeing Dad and my brothers and sister . I haven 't seen them or their spouses , or my nieces and their spouses for 2 years . I have never met my brother 's granddaughter . We will celebrate her first birthday next Saturday . I leave tomorrow morning for Los Angeles . And then all of that anticipated joy is tempered with the apprehension I am trying to keep at bay about traveling there . I am not sure when traveling on an airplane stopped being fun and became so stressful and unpleasant - probably when they stopped direct flights from smaller airports and put the " hub system " in place . I am not afraid of flying - of being in the air in the silver tube with wings - the source of stress is what happens in the terminals before the flight actually takes off . On one trip to Los Angeles , I was allowed to board a plane in Springfield , and then was told to get off the plane because the passengers and baggage exceeded the plane 's weight limit and that I would be put an another flight . Why me ? I wondered at the time . I am not morbidly obese . And then they changed their minds and let me back on the plane . And then there is the huge Dallas - Ft . Worth terminal . I have been through that airport many times . I know how to get on the shuttles that whir around the perimeter of the terminal and get to the departure gate . But what I have found at Dallas - Ft . Worth is there is a disturbingly frequent problem of the departure gate being changed without any announcement being made . Several times I have sat at the proper gate blissfully unaware that my flight had been moved to another gate until I happened to look up and notice that I was suddenly sitting at the gate for flights to Kansas … or Louisiana … or North Carolina ( take your pick ) instead of Missouri . One must be constantly vigilant about watching the monitors to make sure the gate hasn 't changed and then be prepared to gallop off to the new gate . This time around , there will be no galloping . I am not in very fast on my feet these days . Recovering from the foot operation has taken much longer than I realized it would . I will be able to manage the Springfield airport without a problem , but I have arranged for a wheelchair to meet me at the gate in Dallas . I am so thankful I have this verse to remind me to " Be strong and courageous . Do not be afraid ; do not be discouraged , for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go . " He took marvelous care of me the time I had to spend the night at Dallas - Ft . Worth . It will be fine this time around too . And if things do go wrong , He will take care of me again . stepped on it . Sometimes I think the thought really does count , even if the result isn 't quite what one expected . I hope they enjoy the pie . Unlike some of the characters at the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy , I have not finished my sojourn in Middle Earth and gotten on boat and sailed off into the West never to be seen again . Yes , I will be flying West in a week or so to see family in California , but I am still here very much in the middle of the country . Work has been crazy . I just haven 't been able to settle to attend to this poor neglected blog . It 's been more than month since I have written anything . Yikes . Facebook is partly to blame for the silence here . I was sort of coerced into mounting a Facebook page some years ago by the issue manager for a journal I worked on . She thought it would be fun if the copyeditors who worked on the journal had Facebook pages so we could get to know each other . This was a rather radical idea , because up to that point , the journal managers kept the people who copyedited the manuscripts for that particular journal a closely guarded secret . We were not supposed to have contact with each other , and the only way I ever found out who my colleagues were was when the journal manager sent us all the same e - mail and forgot to blind the " cc " addresses . At I found it is remarkably easy to write a very short " blurb " on Facebook off the top of my head , and very hard and time consuming to write a thoughtful essay with something profound at the end , which the blog seems to require , and then be done with it . So … here are a few short blurbs I have posted recently on the Facebook page ( but of course , I have had to tinker with them a little because they just weren 't quite right ) : Fall is in the air - finally . Someone has splattered the trees with red and orange and gold . It has been unseasonably warm ( in fact , we had record high " low " overnight a few days ago ) , but I actually needed a light jacket yesterday when I walked the dog . As I got out of the car at the post office to get our mail , a large group of geese flew over , probably more than 100 birds , together but in small Vs of perhaps 10 to 15 birds , constantly calling to each other , merging , and separating . They were lovely to watch as they undulated across the sky . I believe they were headed for a rest stop at a local private lake . Nearly all of our cousins attended high school in Yuba City in central California , which may still be an agricultural community as it was when I visited them as a kid ( if the drought hasn 't put the orchard owners out of business ) , not far from the capital of Sacramento . The area is part of a great flyway and many migratory birds pass through . The athletic teams school they attended were called " The Honkers . " We used to laugh at that name , but I get why they chose it . What happens when you wait 4 months to get your hair cut and then finally make the phone call and lurch ( I am not quite walking normally yet ) into the beauty shop is that the woman who cuts your hair can 't remember how she cut it the last time because too much time has gone by . So you tell her to " cut it short . " And she does . She cuts it short . Really short . I am still having a bit of mirror shock . I thought ya 'll might like to see the new me . He is threatening to start a blog that he will call " Leilani - isms " in which he would post ridiculous statements that I have the unfortunate habit of making . Today I was trying to fry fish and wanted to set a timer so that I would make sure and cook it for the right amount of time on each side . I was having a lot of trouble figuring out how to make the timer work because I didn 't have my glasses on and I couldn 't read the lettering on the small silver buttons ( turns out the lettering on most of the buttons was worn off because of constant use , but never mind ) . I kept having to ask him to reset the timer and he was getting aggravated . " Well , " I said , " I just don 't understand stuff . " He looked at me in amazement and then started laughing so hard he had to sit down before he fell down . Well , it is true . I am not a stupid person but sometimes I just don 't understand stuff . In Isaac Asimov 's a short story Rain , Rain , Go Away , a strange family , the Sakkaros , move next door to the Wrights . They always seem to be sunbathing , they rush indoors whenever there is a cloud in the sky , and the process she goes through to pour Mrs Wright a glass of water is peculiar indeed . The Sakkaros are rather reclusive , and the Wrights decide to try to be neighborly and invite them and their son to go to a carnival . They Sakkaros check the forecast , which says it will be clear , and they agree to go with the Wrights . Everyone seems to be having a good time ( the Sakkaros eat mass quantities of of cotton candy and other sugary foods ) . But then , the sky starts to cloud up and Mr Sakkaros hears on his portable radio that it is going to rain . The Sakkaros insist that they really need to go home . Right now . So the Wright 's drive them home and when the husband gets out of the car to let them out of the back seat , he thinks he feels a drop . The Sakkaros tumbled out , faces drawn with tension , muttering thanks , and started off toward their long front walk at a dead run . " Honestly , began Lillian , " you would think they were … . " The heavens opened and the rain came down in giant drops as though some celestial dam had suddenly burst . The top of their car was pounded with a hundred drumsticks , and halfway to their front door the Sakkaros stopped and looked despairingly upward . Their faces blurred as the rain hit ; blurred and shrank and ran together . All three shriveled , collapsing within their clothes , which sank down into three sticky - wet heaps . And while the Wrights sat there , transfixed with horror , Lillian found herself unable to stop the completion of her remark : “… made of sugar and afraid they would melt . " I t occurred to me when I read the story years ago that the Sakkaros family should have carried large umbrellas " just in case . " We should have had umbrellas last Sunday . The weather forecast on Saturday was that Sunday would be " bright and sunny . " How fortuitous for our friends , who had planned a party for Sunday for the wife , who turned 86 . It was supposed to be an outdoor party on their lovely deck starting at 2 p . m . . At about 12 : 45 , I left the house and took the Mollywog to the park so we could get some exercise before leaving for the birthday bash . Yes , friends and neighbors , I can walk now , but my gait is very lurchy and I need the crutch - or at least I think I do - for longer distances ( I believe the crutch is starting to become " a crutch " ) . I noticed as we started off that dark clouds were forming in the distance , and there was lighting flashing and I could hear thunder rumbling . By the time had I just about finished , the sky was very dark indeed . The first drops started to fall just as we got to the car . As we were leaving for for the 14 - mile or so drive to their house , the heavens had opened and the rain was pouring down . Pouring down so hard that Richard had to slow down on the highway because the wipers could not keep up . He parked as close as he could to the long cement walk leading up to their porch ( I don 't do well on gravel ) and looked in vain for the umbrellas that are supposed to be in the back seat , but they weren 't there . I found myself thinking about the Asimov story as I opened the door and got out in the pouring rain and walked - slowly , very slowly - up to the porch . By the time I got there , I was soaked . I like to think I am sweet , but I am happy to report that I did not melt . They got me a towel , and I dried my hair . The rest of me eventually dried , too . And we had a lovely visit with these dear people ( who were the pastor of our church ) and other friends and family . By the time we were ready to come home , the rain had stopped , so we were able to stroll back to the car without getting any soggier . And perhaps Richard will remember to put the umbrellas back in the car . Unfortunately , we have had two rather annoying experiences the last two times we have had a meal in a real restaurant . In mid - August we had to go to Springfield so I could get the first injection of the new osteoporosis drug that the research studies say works very well with one I just finished . Although the drug is supposed to be administered in the doctor 's office , all of the doctors refer patients to hospital ambulatory infusion centers for the injection because the drug is too much of a hassle for them to take care of - - has to be kept refrigerated , would have to be ordered from the pharmacy in town in advance , etc . The doctor who prescribed the drug is in Springfield so we went to the ambulatory infusion center at one of the hospitals there . Had Not a Doctor Bob prescribed the drug , I could have gone to the local hospital , but that 's okay - - I got most of the day off . Richard 's birthday was coming up , and he said he wanted to have lunch after the appointment at the Mediterranean restaurant , where we have had lunch twice before and thought it was very good . The appointment was at 11 : 30 but I had to wait about 2 hours for the injection because they wanted to make sure my calcium levels were good before they could give me the shot in the arm and it took that long for the laboratory to run the test . My calcium levels were very good indeed , so I got jabbed and we left to celebrate his birthday . One of my favorite things on the restaurant 's lunch menu , which I had both times we ate there , was Greek spanakopita ( spinach pie ) . I frequently make the wrong choice at restaurants - ordering something that sounds good but doesn 't turn out to be good after all - but this was not the wrong choice the first time I ordered it , and it was wonderful the second time as well . Yes , indeed it was . Unfortunately , when we went there this time , Greek spanakopita was not on the lunch menu . One time at another restaurant our favorite thing to eat was not on the menu but we asked specifically if we could order it , and we could . I didn 't think to ask the waiter if the spanakopita was still available , so I settled for seafood lasagne , which I admit was good - but it wasn 't what I wanted . So we were both sort of annoyed , him by the price and me because I didn 't get what I really wanted . He said he didn 't think he wanted to eat there again . Neither did I . There was a small electronic tablet on the table with all sorts of choices on the touch - screen ( games , menus , etc ) , and I thought it might be fun to play one of the trivia games while we were waiting … and waiting … and waiting … so I punched the screen for the trivia games , but before I actually selected a game and started playing , I stopped . We have seen so many people sitting at tables in fast food restaurants and in waiting rooms , and even in real restaurants , ignoring each other while they fiddled with electronic devices - and not just teenagers but geezers as well . I realized I was being sucked into doing the same thing - ignoring my husband while fiddling with an electronic device . So I pushed it away . The food arrived and it was great . The texture and complexity of flavors , the aromas and commingling of ingredients , the act of masticating and swallowing - food is a sensual act , not mere science . Annelies Zijderveld I mentioned to Richard as I was eating this wonderful combination of lime - flavored rice and black beans and corn salsa , grilled peppers and onions , and chunks of prime rib , how wonderful all of the flavors were and what a wonderful sensual act eating really was and we talked about the wonderful eating scene in the movie Tom Jones , and then we finished and paid the bill - using the handy dandy electronic device to swipe the credit card and print the receipt . How convenient . And then about an hour after we got home , he noticed that tucked in there on the charge slip for $ 38 plus change , which included food , tax , and tip , was an additional charge of $ 1 . 99 because I fiddled with the electronic tablet . I don 't remember seeing anything on the screen that there was a charge for this . I never would have touched it had I been aware doing so was going to cost us extra . He was uhhh … angry … Me too . We are very annoyed ( but don 't have the t - shirt to wear ) , and Richard says we will never eat at Chili 's again . I pointed out that the food was good there and we weren 't compelled to use the electronic device , but he says he won 't patronize a restaurant that uses those sorts of tactics to gouge a few extra dollars out of customers . I am cringing a little because I can 't say absolutely positively that there was no notice that using the device cost $ 1 . 99 but as my brother would say , " there you have it … " It 's a done deal . Nothing horrible happens in this picture though , just a couple of curlews going about their business and staying just ahead of the waves that roll in , looking for sand crabs and other things to eat in the wash zone before they bury themselves in the sand . We camped at the state park at Morro Bay sometimes when I was a kid . And that brings back another memory of fishing with my father off the pier at Morro Bay and catching a red snapper , and of being frightened one night by an owl hooting in a tree near our campsite . The suburb of Los Angeles where we grew up was about 10 miles from the ocean , and in the late afternoons the breeze would come up off the ocean and often the fog would roll in , cooling everything down , and then gradually burn off in the mornings . They started coining terms for it " May Gray " and " June Gloom " almost in a complaining way . Oh , for a bit ocean breeze and some late afternoon fog . The last time I took the dog to the vet , there was a young man with a very sick pit bull who was concluding his visit while I waited . The vet gave him detailed instructions and said she wanted to see the dog again in few days to see how the dog was getting on . And then the discussion turned to how he was going to pay the bill . He wanted to arrange to make payments , and as part of that process , they asked him for his driver 's license . We began taking Squeaker to that vet 16 years ago , and she was probably already 2 years old when our son gave her to us in trade for the miserable cat I had rescued from the vet , who hated us but loved him . So she is old , and she is declining , and we don 't think she will live very much longer . So why bother ? Why not let nature take its course ? On Wednesday , for the first time in 2 months , I was able get in the house by walking up the stairs without him having to push me around the house in the wheelchair so I could use the ramp . Our house is on a slope , so pushing me around the house was a strenuous ordeal for him and rather scary for me ( he ran me into the side of the house twice ) . What a relief ! Walking in the " boot " is not exactly easy , however , even with a walker . Imagine wearing a 2 - inch platform - type shoe on one foot and a perfectly flat shoe on the other . Aside from the extra height , the bottom of the boot is slightly rounded to distribute the pressure evenly , which creates a rocking effect . So in addition to some added stress on the joints from having legs that are two different lengths , it is easy to loose one 's balance . I have visited with two women recently who had similar operations on their feet and were supposed to wear a boot neither of them could do it . I understand why . I don 't have a 2 - inch platform shoe to wear on my right foot , so I initially thought wearing the boot that Richard wore after his Achilles tendon repair might be a solution . I thought walking would be a little easier because both feet would be about even . And at first it was . But after several hours though , I realized that plan wasn 't going to work . His boot came up too high on my leg and made it difficult to bend my knee when I wanted to stand up or sit down . And with two " rocking " feet , I almost fell several times trying to get up . The muscles in both of my legs have atrophied because of lack of use for 2 months so I tire easily . That 's okay though . I 'll get my strength back . He did indeed hear the words he did not want to hear : I will be in the boot for 3 weeks before I can transition to a regular shoe with a brace , so he is not done with his dog walking duties . But I am happy to report that he did not become homicidal when he heard the news ( see the previous post ) , and the surgeon survived our visit with his throat intact . He returned early this morning from taking Molly the Moron ( as he has taken to calling her ) on her walk , with thunder on his face , and I think he must have brooded about what went on during the walk most of the morning . He has been a trooper taking over for me with her during the past two months , but he does not like walking the dog . She is a very difficult dog to walk if one is intending to make it a " power walk , " which is what he wants to do . If one wants to just stroll along with plenty of stops on the way , then all is good . She only weighs 15 pounds , so it isn 't like one has to try to control a big powerful dog like a Labrador Retriever or a German Shepherd that wants to do what it wants to do and drags the hapless owner along behind . No , the problem is that what she wants to do is to stop every 10 feet or so to sniff and check out the area for something to hunt . Thus , for your walk , we took ourselves , and went It is particularly bad along the rights of way where he walks her because the grass is tall and teeming with small mammals and snakes . He came back one day marveling at her athleticism . " She knew there was something in the tall grass alongside the road , " he said , " and she stood there and cocked her head , listening for it , and then leaped 6 feet to get it , but it got away . " The breeds that were combined to create the Schnauzer ( which she almost certainly is ) were highly motivated to hunt , and she has all of their genes operating at full force in the instincts that drive her to obsess about catching and killing things . I have stopped trying to keep a tally of things she has killed ( or almost killed if we were quick enough to rescue it ) but the list includes shrews ( at least 2 ) , a squirrel , voles , mice , lizards , and several birds , and attempts to kill at least 2 snakes , which brought my heart into my throat worrying that it might be a copperhead she was going after . He wasn 't marveling at her today , though . Over lunch he turned to me and said , " If he tells you you can 't walk for another 3 weeks I am going for the guy 's throat . I am becoming homicidal . " Once upon a time I started reading the " Series of Unfortunate Events " books by the author writing under the name of Lemony Snicket about three children whose " lives are filled with bad luck and misery . All of the stories about these three children are unhappy and wretched and will most likely fill you with deep despair … " and this quote from the author 's Web site is totally accurate . I started checking them out from the library . I read a few books in the series but finally quit because they really were just too depressing . When unfortunate events befall our friends , however , we just can 't " quit " because what has happened to them is sad and depressing . Last summer a series of unfortunate events befell Judy , the woman who I consider my best friend . Her husband died of cancer on August 21 . Charlie donated his body to a medical research institute , and she began to plan his memorial service and set the date in October . However , those plans came to an abrupt halt because at the beginning of October , she fell off a step stool and broke the bones in her lower leg . She thinks she fell because the bones actually broke first . The break was very bad . The operation to permanently fix her leg had to be delayed because of the swelling , so during the first operation a temporary " erector set " was attached to her leg to keep it stable . Her leg was permanently repaired some weeks later . . . plates , pins , bone grafts . It took the orthopedic surgeon 9 hours to do it . She was in the nursing home from October 2 until a day or two before Christmas . I became part of the cadre who went to her house during this time and fetched and carried and did " stuff " and visited her at the nursing home , where I met some delightful folk . I think it quite a remarkable testimony to Judy 's personality and how she affects people that her many friends were not just " fair weather " friends . They did not put her on the shelf , so to speak , because of the depressing things that were happening to her . She was not abandoned . In fact , two separate sets of friends invited her into their homes after she left the nursing home for some further rehab before she finally returned to her house . And so Judy once again began planning Charlie 's memorial service , and we gathered on Saturday to honor his memory . It was quite a lovely tribute to him . She and the friends who helped her did an amazing job of presenting Charlie 's life in pictures and in displays of the things he was interested in , including books , the pottery he made , and the Native American artifacts and arrowheads he had collected along the way . One feels that it is not quite right to say they had " fun " at a memorial service , but there were some very lighthearted moments after the service was over and the buffet was served . Richard and I were among the first people through the buffet line , and we were sitting at a table by ourselves . I don 't know how long the table would have remained empty except for us , but I 'll never know because a woman named Marideth Sisco , a member of the Unitarian Universalist ( UU ) Fellowship Charlie and Judy belong to , got up from where she was sitting at another table and came over and sat across from Richard , saying , " You shouldn 't be sitting by yourselves . You need someone to talk to . " We knew who she was , yes indeed we did , but she had no clue who we were . We were strangers . Marideth Sisco is a local celebrity . She has a regular program on the local National Public Radio station , and she gained some national attention by performing some of the music on the soundtrack of the film Winter 's Bone , which won the grand prize at the Sundance Film Festival the year it was released . And because she was sitting at our table , others from the UU Fellowship , who probably would not have sat there otherwise , also drifted over , and lively conversation erupted . Her act of kindness , which I appreciated very much , meant we did not spend the meal isolated and feeling awkward . I 'm thinking this is a " go and do likewise " situation for the future . In the beginning , I was born with no aptitude whatsoever for mathematics . I got good grades in elementary school except in two subjects : handwriting and mathematics . My parents could do something about my bad handwriting - " When you start junior high school , you will take typing , " my father thundered at me . And they bought me Royal typewriter for 6th grade graduation . However , they couldn 't do anything about my problems with math , and they just about went nuts trying to help me . Later when I was in high school , they even hired a tutor for a while , but I 'm getting ahead of myself . I got really good grades in all of the other subjects I took through junior high , and when I started high school I was immediately shunted into the " college prep " track , which meant I got to take some serious math classes - no " dumbbell math " for me , no sirree . I 'll spare the stories of my struggles with algebra 1 and 2 ( one of which I had to take over in summer school ) and geometry 1 and 2 , and finally , trigonometry . My high school counselor was a math teacher , and I think she was very disappointed that she couldn 't persuade me into calculus , but the hands writing on the report cards by this point were pretty conclusive , and I had had ENOUGH . Enough , I say . But back to how big it was . One of the manuscripts I worked on this week was by authors who have made use of innovations in software to develop a technique where they can create 3D models of lung tumors from 2D imaging studies . For certain kinds of cancer , putting the patient through an operation is futile if the tumor is a certain size , which is sometimes hard to tell from the 2D images . They reported tumor volumes of various sizes , including 500 and 450 cubic centimeters , etc . Then I started thinking about it , which nearly got me into trouble . Just as a linear measurement , 500 cm seemed rather large : 500 cm is a little over 16 feet , so then extrapolating that out , 500 cubic centimeters would be the equivalent of 16 cubic feet , which is the size of a refrigerator . Obviously , one cannot have a tumor the size of a refrigerator in their chest . Ridiculous . Then I got to thinking some more and realized I almost certainly had misunderstood something . The minister of our church has taught math at the college level , so I figured she could help , and indeed she did . She explained what was wrong with my logic in such a kind and gentle way . Bless her . She suggested I calculate the volume of one of my books , which I did , and it all became clear . But the worst thing that almost happened is that I had put a query in the manuscript to the authors pointing all this out ( ie , 500 cubic centimeters was the equivalent size of a refrigerator ) . I can 't even imagine what would have happened if I had not removed that query before I sent the manuscript back . The last time I made bread for Richard , I explained where the whole wheat flour was on top of the cabinet in the room where I keep it , and he dutifully brought me the right container with the whole wheat flour . When it came time to make bread again earlier in the week , I asked him to get the whole wheat flour and just assumed he would remember where it was and bring me the right container . Unfortunately , I keep the corn meal I use to make the concoction I feed the birds during the winter in an identical container on top of a different cabinet . Unfortunately , this is white cornmeal , which was on sale and is fine for the birds , and it is about the same color as the white whole wheat flour that I happen to be using at the moment . There is no obvious difference between the two . I started over with the whole wheat flour . The regular bread went into the baguette pans and they both went in the oven to bake . In the meantime , Richard produced two labels so that the containers are now marked and this won 't happen again . I figured the cornmeal " bread " would be similar to regular cornbread . It isn 't . It doesn 't taste like bread and it doesn 't taste like cornbread . Its not horrible , but it isn 't all that great . The bread that I baked along with the cornmeal bread wasn 't exactly a rousing success either , because I left it in the oven just a little too long . It didn 't burn , exactly , but it is too brown . He has a recipe for garlic toast which is quite good and that is what he is using it for . Sometimes mistakes in the kitchen turn out to be quite good , but this wasn 't one of them . Yesterday was our 45th wedding anniversary . Marriage to Richard has been an adventure , some of the rows have been hard to hoe - full of rocks and weeds and thistles - and some have been lovely and easy to work . We have been through some wonderful times together and some hard ones as well . There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel and give up , and others where our marriage has been the life preserver . Would I do it again ? You betcha . Yesterday was not , however , one of our better days . Yes , we had a good experience at church . Our pastor gave another dynamite sermon - - we have been going there for more than year now and have yet to hear her deliver a clunker - - but things were a little up and down for the rest of the day . I am very organized and methodical person who exists in a world of utter chaos of my own creation . And sometimes he handles the " chaos " better than at other times , and during those " other times " he becomes cross and grumpy . Yesterday was one of the cross and grumpy days . He mostly can 't help the chaos because of his attention deficit disorder , which is getting increasingly worse . But two good things did happen yesterday : He gave me a beautiful card by way of apology , and he told me is going to see the neurologist , whose name we were given some time ago and who is supposed to be able to treat adults with attention deficit disorder . This is tricky medically because the older adults who need the drugs that are used to treat attention deficit disorder also usually have high blood pressure , which the drugs can affect . He doesn 't hold out much hope that she will be able to treat him . He thinks she will probably just want to send him to a psychiatrist , which he will absolutely not do , but it is worth a shot . Anything is worth a shot if it will help him . But now with a full belly and the afternoon tick - tocking away , I am thinking of the older of my two brothers , the serious and sober one , and the hilariously funny one , the one who always insists that we " point " in photographs ( which I posted recently ) who is right now at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center being prepared for the second operation on his sinus cavity . He had been having trouble with his left sinus for some time , and during a recent operation to fix it , the doctor removed a mass he thought was benign . But further testing at a specialized laboratory showed that it was an extremely rare form of cancer with an even rarer presentation . This cancer is usually attached to the bones of the sinus cavity and then spreads to the brain . In his case , it was " free floating " and almost certainly has not spread through the bones into the brain . It was a " bad news / good news " sort of a situation . This operation , which is being done by a specialist , is to make sure there are no cancer cells in the bones . He may lose his sense of smell on that side , and he will have to have radiation therapy . But they have given him a good prognosis . I will not be surprised if he ends up as a case report in a medical journal . He called me a little while ago , while he and his wife were waiting , just to say " Hi . " I tried to give him an encouraging word . He is basically the spiritual leader of our family , so I feel somewhat inadequate . I botched my quote of the scripture that God will keep us under the shelter of his wings , and he quoted at me Isaiah 55 : 12 : " You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace . . . " in reference to what the anesthesiologist was going to be shooting into the intravenous catheter , and we had a good laugh . The men in our family tend to live long lives , and this brother needs to grow old bones and watch his granddaughter grow up . I am praying that he will . My sister and other brother will be there in a while to sit with his wife and keep her company . I 'd be there too , if I could . As we were leaving the doctor 's clinic after our " two - for - one " follow - up visit for our respective left feet , he turned and said , " You know , that whole deal in the waiting room reminded me of the Group W bench . " Yes , indeed , it did . " Group W bench " not ringing any bells ? Then you 'll need to get a cup of coffee or something cool to drink , relax , and spend about 20 minutes listening to Arlo Guthrie 's song " Alice 's Restaurant . " As with the waiting rooms in most doctors ' clinics , this doctor 's waiting room is usually packed with people . He appears to be the only podiatrist serving Northern Arkansas . No , we don 't live in Arkansas , but it is actually closer for us to drive to Arkansas to see him than it would be to see the nearest podiatrist in Missouri , who is about 90 miles away . He has a lot of patients - too many patients , in fact - and as with most doctors , he is usually overbooked . But on this particular day , perhaps 8 people were in the waiting room when we arrived . Although there were plenty of seats to choose from , I ended up sitting in the empty seat next to a woman and her great granddaughter because where Richard chose to sit was on the wrong side of the knee scooter , and I would not have been able to get off and on it again easily and would have had to turn around , which would have put me heading in the wrong direction when it came time for our appointment , which meant I would have had to turn around again . . . Richard got out his materials and began working on one of the articles that was due in a few days , and I got out the book I was planning to read , but instead of reading the book , I began visiting with the woman next to me and her great granddaughter . We had a grand old time trading stories about the ailments with our feet that had brought us to the office and other injuries we had sustained over the years and our jobs and all sorts of stuff . So we offered opinions about what we would do if we were accidentally locked in . That was a no - brainer , we concluded . We 'd go to the front desk and use the office telephone to call for help . By the time the paterfamilias reaches 91 , at least in these parts , there are usually 5 generations present in the photograph . It didn 't work out that way in our family , but I am very thankful that we can at least have a photo of 4 generations . I am so excited for my brother that he gets to be grandpa to this little girl . I know he is going to be a great one . He knows how to have fun and have adventures , and she is going to have a wonderful time . At when photographs are being taken . . . And the four of us have carried it right on . Wish I could have been there this time to point too … Maybe next year … This actually isn 't about shaving , but the commercial came to mind toward the the end of our visit with Richard 's long - time friend ( R ) and his long - time girlfriend ( C ) . R and C have been a couple for 10 years now - maintaining separate residences but traveling together and enjoying each other 's company . We have heard a lot about her over the years and were very happy to finally meet her . We were nervous about what she would be like . She is a lovely woman . Richard and R met when they were about 10 years old , and both of them are now on the far side of 70 , so we 're talking about a friendship of more than 60 years . R left Southern California for Seattle about the same time that we left Southern California in our meandering fashion to arrive here . They skype regularly and have seen each other on occasion over the years , the last time was several years ago . They came back for another hour so the next morning before they headed off to Charleston . R had very interesting things to talk about . He has decided to study calculus to keep his brain occupied ( I guess ! ) , and he is an amateur astronomer and goes to " star parties " and we chased some rabbits along the way , but then the conversation took on sort of a surreal quality , and I listened growing incredulity as R and C urged us - - with great enthusiasm - - to join them on a cruise , which , oh by the way , just happens to be a " clothing optional " cruise . " Oh yeah , " he says , " you have to wear clothes while the ship is in port , but once the ship leaves port and passes a certain point , the captain blows a whistle and everyone who wants to , takes off their clothes . And almost everybody does . " " It 's not sexual , " C says . " At first I though it was going to be 20 - year - old guys walking around with … well , you know … " she says , " but it isn 't like that all . " " Let me tell you about Mary ( not her real name ) , " R says . " She is the woman who takes the money and she weighs about 300 pounds … " and he goes on to give a few more details about what the 300 - pound Mary looks like without her clothes on . " She 's comfortable in her skin , " he says . Yeah , well . I don 't have anything against people who want to get together and take their clothes off ; in fact , I don 't think there is anything wrong with it if that is what they want to do . Even Christian people get together and take their clothes off ( there are a number of Web sites for Christian naturists ) , and they indeed make some very interesting points about nudity . But for me ? I am not exactly comfortable in my skin to begin with ( I could stand to lose about 40 about pounds , if you get my drift ) , and there would no way on God 's green earth that I would take my clothes off in front of Richard 's friend . I certainly don 't want to see him nude . No , thank you ! The next " clothing optional " cruise they are planning to go on , in 2017 , will have a stop in Cuba . They are very excited . We are not excited . I do not believe we will be be joining them . Our house very much resembles the description of Aunt Elner 's front porch . I have collections of birds ' nests , rocks , dead insects , jars of pickled reptiles , amphibians , and embryos , skulls of small creatures , and on it goes , all over the house , not just on the porch . My friend Judy once said she thought she could come and spend some time just looking at all the stuff I have on shelves and window sills because she said she seems to notice something new each time she visits . Richard 's long - time friend and his long - time girlfriend , who live in Seattle , are due here in the next couple of hours for a visit . They are headed to one of the Carolinas for a family event and decided to stop by here . He has been here before , quite a few years ago now , so he will have some recollection of our house , but I have a bad feeling about what his companion is going to think . Of course I can 't do anything about that but still … There is too much stuff structurally wrong with the house - - part of the ceiling looks like it is going to fall down at any minute , the " fronts " have pulled off several of the drawers in the kitchen cabinets , the linoleum on the floor is cracked and pieces are missing - several remodeling projects that were started have not been finished … so fixing those things is not in the picture , but we have been working like maniacs for the last couple of days trying to make it look a little better than it has been . Not too much dusting is going on , but the most egregious of the cobweb streamers have been knocked down , the bathroom is cleaned , the floors vacuumed . I am somewhat limited in my ability to do anything because I must get around the house on the knee walker , but yesterday I was working my way around the perimeter of the house with the " webster " and arrived at the kitchen at about the same time that Richard was preparing food at the counter . I knew what was going to happen as soon as I started in on the curtain above the kitchen counter and sure enough … . " Is that a fake spider ? " He says in a very surprised voice . It is not an unreasonable question because I have a large fake spider by my computer . What we had there on the curtain , friends and neighbors , was a huge fishing spider . How huge was it ? Well , I wasn 't able to take a picture of this visitor , but here is a picture of one that I saw in our basement about 6 years ago . My father was an automobile mechanic , so I grew up hearing a lot about transmissions and master cylinders and differentials , brakes , valves , heads , gaskets , and the like . The smells that bring back some of the fondest memories of childhood for me are not necessarily freshly baked bread from the oven or cookies or something wonderful cooking on the stove ( although of course I love these smells as well ) . No , what I remember with the most fondness are the smells my father brought in the house with him at the end of the day - lube grease , solvent that he cleaned parts with - the smells of a working garage where cars are fixed . Even today if I happen to go into the garage where our cars are repaired , it brings back so many wonderful memories of my dad . Well , that 's all to try to explain why I have enjoyed listening over the years to Car Talk , the public radio program hosted by Click and Clack , the Tappet Brothers , or by any other name , Tom and Ray Magliozzi . Sadly , Tom Magliozzi died in 2014 , but the programs continue to air . Tom 's self - proclaimed motto was My husband watches me trying to negotiate myself through the house and shakes his head . " This is too painful to watch , " he says I suspect he had far more trouble using the scooter in his office than I am having in the house because it is such a congested mess in there , but I didn 't actually witness any of this going on - I just heard groans , the yelling , and the colorful language - because about the only time I go in his office is when he calls me in so I can see the spectacular mess he has created ( Fort Richard - piles of tubs that have found their way around his chair to the point where he is just about blocked in ) or to to hunt down the cat if we have forgotten to close the door to the room once she is in the house for the evening . There are hundreds of places to hide in there and we don 't want to shut her up in that room overnight . Maneuvering through the house is really is not getting that much easier , but perhaps it will . Especially if I remember some of the mistakes I have made and don 't continue to repeat them . And what are the chances of that ? Slim to none ? So much of what I do during the day is unencumbered by the thought process ; I mean , if just thought ahead a little bit to what I need to do . For example . . . at about 9 : 30 this morning I decide it is time for a second cup of coffee and to visit the bathroom , so I position myself on the scooter and propel myself into the kitchen . I coast by the kitchen counter , pour the coffee in the measuring cup that I use to it heat it up in , make the right - hand turn to coast by the microwave , pause , put the coffee in and get it going , and then maneuver myself around ( which morphs the 3 - point " Y - turn " into a 7 - or 8 - point turn ) so I am going into the bathroom backwards ( for this reason I find it is better to visit the bathroom before the need becomes urgent ) . By the time I come out of the bathroom the coffee is done . I am headed in the right direction for the return trip to my working space - so far so good , except I have forgotten to bring with me the insulated " mini - mega mug " I am using for my coffee . It is still sitting on the 18 - gallon tub next to my chair ( I have learned the hard way not to leave any liquid where it can spill on the computer keyboard ) . So , I have to go back into my working space , get the mug , turn around ( again , this is excruciating - I almost inevitably get stuck so I have to muscle the scooter around ) , head back into the kitchen with the mug , transfer the coffee , add the stuff to make it palatable , then turn around ( again ) and head back to the computer . Thinking all the while to myself . And then at about 1 : 30 or so I decided I would like some iced tea ( it 's sort of a hot , muggy day ) and that it might be a good idea to visit the bathroom again . So , I heave myself out of the chair and onto the scooter and wind up at the kitchen counter … wait for it … wait for it … without the mug . So I get to go through the whole routine again . We are pretty much all aware by now that there are things we can do - - and the things we should not do - - to help keep us healthy . Unfortunately , sometimes the genes we inherit from our ancestors stack the deck against us , and all of our efforts to stave off what looks like the inevitable don 't have quite the result we hoped for . I had known for a long time that I was at high risk for osteoporisis , so I did everything I knew to do to keep my bones as strong as I could . As " Not a Dr Bob " pointed out when he told me the news that I had compression fractures in my upper back and my DEXA scan results were grim - " If you hadn 't done all of that stuff , you might be in even worse shape … " So he sent me off to see an interventional radiologist about a procedure where they inject plastic cement into fractured vertebrae to prop them up , but he decided I was not in bad enough shape for that procedure at the time so he prescribed a year of a very expensive osteoporisis drug that I had to inject every morning . There was a great deal of stress associated with this drug , but it didn 't have to do with the injections . It had to do with fighting with the insurance company to pay for even part of the cost , and the requirement that the drug had to be kept cold in the refrigerator . It had to do with increasingly inept UPS delivery practices that had the insulated overnight packages with 3 months of the drug in cold packs being delivered to our neighbor 's house on a day when they were not home and sitting there for an hour or two in the hot sun before we realized the driver had made mistake … or riding around in the hot truck all day long instead of being delivered first in the morning … Had to have backup plans in place in case we had a power failure that lasted more than a couple of hours - and indeed , some friends in town were kind enough to keep the drug for me overnight once when the power went out . The injections were not a problem : getting the drug out every morning while my coffee was heating , attaching the needle to the pen , Behold The Foot . The phenomenon that occurs when a body part ( particularly an appendage ) has something wrong with it and becomes the total focus of attention . My left foot began breaking down a year ago , right about the same time the blood clot developed in that leg . For quite a while I thought that the problem in the foot was a consequence of the blood clot . But I was wrong . After my husband 's Achilles tendon repair in early March , the surgeon who did the operation came in to talk to me about what went on , and I asked him to look at my foot to see if he could tell me if it was a vascular problem or an orthopedic problem . He very kindly agreed to do that ( without an appointment ! ) . He eyeballed my foot , grabbed it , and pressed hard near the ankle , and I about went through the roof . " Does that hurt ? " He wants to know . " Oh yeah . " " You have a flat foot deformity , " he says , " that 's my wagon wheel . " very sleepy and muddle headed . There has been a lot of publicity lately about the problem of people becoming addicted to opioid pain medications , so I get it that it happens . The pain relief was great , but I don 't like the way it made me feel , so I am very glad I don 't have to take any more . get going in the right direction . We have an incredibly tiny bathroom , and my dearly beloved suggested that if I were to back in , it might make transferring from the scooter to the commode a little easier . He was right - - backing in is no easy feat though and sometimes I am not sure whether I am going to make it in time . It didn 't take too long to realize that running over the toes on my good foot with the scooter was a bad thing , and so I have become much aware of where my right foot is and a lot more careful . I am sure there will be quite a few more lessons to be learned before I can walk again . I spent about 6 weeks fetching and carrying for my husband , and now it is his turn to fetch and carry for me . I don 't think he is quite ready to " kill me , " but the strain is beginning to show . We ( husband , son , and I ) left the West Coast and moved East in 1981 to the Missouri Ozarks and took up country living on an old 8 - acre farm on the outskirts of Willow Springs . I try to to greet each day with joy , despite circumstances that aren 't always so joyful , to be grateful for the blessings of life , and to keep myself lined up with God 's plans . " God is our refuge and strength , an ever - present help in trouble . " Thanks for visiting ! Most of us go through life so absorbed in the cocoon of ourselves that we rarely stop to consider the other . Of course , we think that we do ; indeed , we may pride ourselves on our capacity for empathy ; we may be considerate and thoughtful in our dealings with others , but how often do we stand before them . so to speak , and experience what it is to be them ? - - Domenica MacdonaldThe Unbearable Lightness of Scones , by Alexander McCallSmith + + + Living is like tearing through a museum . Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw , thinking about it , looking it up in a book , and remembering - - because you can 't take it in all at once . - - Audrey Hepburn + + + I like living . I have sometimes been wildly , despairingly , acutely miserable , racked with sorrow , but through it all , I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing . - - Agatha Christie + + + Life can be wildly tragic at times , and I 've had my share . But whatever happens to you , you have to keep a slightly comic attitude . In the final analysis , you have got not to forget to laugh . - - Katharine Hepburn |
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