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When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
This is the story of my courtship . Some of the details may be off and this is only my perspective . Rebecca told me that I should keep a journal . She 's right because I 'll forget a lot if I don 't . I started writing this out on paper , but it thought this would be a great way to do it with pictures added . Nothing going on . Talking to Girls is a taboo . I have never felt this way in my life . I have always had friends who were girls and not had a problem with it . Maybe the BCM atmosphere is too new for me . ( I 'm even scared to sit by them in class , what is wrong with me ? Have I forgotten how to be normal ? ) . During my time of ignorance I go to know pastor Mulvaine a little bit at the Holiness Conference . I had no idea that was Rebecca 's former pastor . No thoughts in my head and I had a great time fellowshipping with him and his wife . At graduation that year Mrs . Clark came with one of the little girls to pick up Rebecca . I wanted to meet all the parents of people in my class . I had gotten to know the Kopp 's , Harvey 's , Roberts , Overmillers , and others but not the Clarks . I introduced myself to Mrs . Clark and her little girl . ( I don 't remember which girl it was but I think it was Abby . ) When I shook her hand she commenced to shake my arm up and down as hard and fast as she possibly could . " Wow ! " I said . That was interesting . I told her " That was a great handshake do that again ! " This time she did it just has hard and fast if not harder than the first time . I got a kick out of it but I still had no thoughts toward Rebecca . Sophomore : This was the year of all years ! Pastor Vangelderen did his courtship seminar early this year . I took my computer to look interested but I was about as bored as bored could be . I wanted to pay attention but this was all going right over my head . Some of the concepts of courtship were cemented in my brain but there was a lot that I missed . Little did I know that within that first semester living with Josiah and Ben that God would put Rebecca on my heart . There I sat doing my devotions . Joe was in the shower and Ben was still in bed . Rebecca Clark came to mind . " What am I doing thinking about her here at this time that I am to be spending with God ? " I pushed the thought of her out of my mind and went back to my Bible reading . But soon enough the thought was back . " What do I do ? " I thought . " MaOff I went to see Pastor Vangelderen with this thought of Rebecca on my mind . It had been stewing in my head for at least a month or so . I laid everything out before Pastor Vangeledren . I felt silly sitting in his office as a sophomore talking about courtship . I told him about what had been happening in my devotions and that I thought it was too early and I had no idea why Now was when I was thinking about it . I even told him that I thought it was satanic attack . He told me to wait on the Lord and so I did . During Holiness Conference that year I met Amanda Clark . She was like her sister and yet totally different . She had come with Mrs . Clark and they stayed for college day and had a great time ( At least from what I could see ) . Graduation came and went that year as expected . I don 't know why but I was hanging around the fellowship halls after the service and here came Lillian through the hall looking for Rebecca . I had never seen her before but I thought that she must be a Clark . She made a beeline for Rebecca to tell her that her dad was outside . It was evident that Rebecca wanted her dad to come in but knew that wasn 't going to happen . On her way out the door to great her dad She took Mr . Swanson with her and when she saw me she asked if I wanted to meet here dad . ( I don 't remember the exact words she said ) " That 's awkward " I thought . " Do I want to meet him ? … Sure , but Now ? … Mr . Swanson is going out . I think it will be fine . " And so I went out to meet Mr . Clark . Mr . Clark was a small man . I think he was a little shorter than I and defiantly not as hefty . It was evident from the way he carried himself that he was a hard farm worker . I also noticed that he wore cowboy boots . Words were brief and to the point and his eyes hardly left the ground . He was not much for socializing . I went back in with Mr . Swanson , Rebecca , and Lilly . Rebecca and Lilly went to clean the bathrooms before they could leave . That summer I went home and then in a few weeks it was off to Asia for my internship with Mike Redick . My mind had been racing with thoughts of Rebecca in the school year ( It was a constant battle not to think about her . In fact I tried to avoid her as much as possible , but that was hard with ministry and classes . ) and I was hoping that being so far away from BCM , her , and home would enable me not to think about it . It worked ! At least for a little while my summer was so busy that I hardly thought about her . But toward the last part of the summer Pastor Redick and I went to the Philippines . I was there one week before the Goforth ministry trip came . SCM ( Student Movement for Christ ) held a retreat at Forest Camp . There Pastor Chou and Pastor Mike laid out some new organizational structure for SMC . It was a wonderful time with the Filipinos and Kim Coogan . During one of the meals Kim specifically asked me about future ministry . Pastor Mike and Lisa had told me that I needed to get married before I came over to Asia to work in an orphan ministry . I told Kim that I felt the Lord leading me to orphan ministry and that Pastor Mike and his wife told me that I needed to get a wife first . Kim began to share who she thought would make great missionary wives . I was sort of shocked , but everything she said was true . She didn 't try to pair me up with anyone . Rebecca was one of her top missionary picks . When the Goforth trip came over to the Philippines I was sent with Mr . Stoll , Christi Forester , Summer Smith and a few others to minister in a small remote church . I can remember lying on the floor sharing a mosquito net . Before we went to sleep he asked me what God had taught me that summer . I shared with Mr . Stoll what God had done in my heart concerning orphan work and he exclaimed that he thought that fit me perfectly . That year after Holiness conference I remember Rebecca talking to Mrs . Redick . She had a burden for missions but lacked her father 's permission to go on any trips . Ayron heard the same conversation I did and we set to pray that God would move on her father 's heart to let her go once before she left college . This year nothing really happened God enabled me to put everything on the back burner and I don 't remember having much contact with Rebecca . I know I did by nature of ministry or what not but she was not constantly on my mind . Toward the end of the year Jared ( my brother ) came to visit me before he went home from BJ . I remember sitting with him in his white GMC pick up watching her walk from the church to the dorm . It was there I told him that she was the one God had laid on my heart . I think his words were " That 's cool " . He thought that she was a fine girl and didn 't say much . This was the year of the unexpected . During the missions conference Pastor Redick was the key speaker . I couldn 't wait to see him and his wife again . Pastor Redick and I sat down to talk shop about orphanage work . Also one night he did devotions for the guys while his wife took the ladies . As we he and I waited for his wife to finish up I told him about Rebecca . He sure jumped on that one quick and when his wife heard it she did two . Still I had no idea of starting a courtship . The last night of the conference was a headache . Everyone just had to talk to the Redicks . I waited around because I was to give them a ride to the hotel . I also noticed that Rebecca was waiting to talk to the Redicks . She was patient and unlike everyone else who rudely butted in to talk to the Redicks she sat there and waited quietly . Mrs . Redick noticed and wasn 't going to let it go . After everyone else left it was finally her chance to talk to the Redicks . Pastor Redick , Mrs . Redick , Rebecca , and I were all standing by the tables in the lobby . I knew what the Redicks were thinking but I don 't think Rebecca had the foggiest . Pastor Redick said " Well let 's all go sit down and talk . " Wow did Rebecca 's face turn red fast . She stammered and stuttered to say that she wanted to talk to them alone . Mrs . Redick told me to sit where I was and watch her purse while they went across the lobby to the couches . It 's not like I couldn 't hear what they were saying , but I couldn 't leave either . I tried not to listen and focused on my Greek vocabulary cards . But , I couldn 't help but hear her heart being poured out with the desire to go the mission field and serve the Lord on at least one mission 's trip . I knew how Ayron and I were praying and I knew the Redicks were thinking that she would one day most likely live on the mission field but she had no vision of that . After crying and praying they all came back over to me . Rebecca dried up her tears and the Mrs . Redick pulled a fast one on me . " Why don 't you walk her to her dorm ? In the car on the way to the Hotel the Redicks told me they thought she was a fine girl and would be a wonderful missionary wife someday . hey also promised to pray for me in regards to this matter . nce again everything was put on the back burner and I didn 't even think about her until Holiness Conference . I was looking forward to the Holiness Conference . I was asking the Lord to draw me closer to Him and teach me new things . What I wasn 't ready for was a courtship . Just before one of the services my dad rushed up to me and said " I 've got to talk to you " . I could tell by his tone of voice that something was up . But , what I couldn 't tell was if I was in trouble or something was wrong . He pulled me aside and said " Is there anything going on between you and RC ( Dad 's term for Rebecca ) . I said " No , why ? " " Well , Pastor Hollansworth came up to me and told me he thought you and Rebecca both had wonderful hearts for ministry and would make a great couple to go to the mission field together . " I was shocked ! He doesn 't even live at Falls . He only taught a 2 week block on Isaiah . My next question was " Have I done anything wrong ? Did I conduct myself inappropriately ? " " No " dad said . " Mr . Hollandsworth said that you both conducted yourself uprightly . " Dad thought he needed to talk to Pastor Hollandsworth more and find out what he was thinking . After another talk with Pastor Hollandsworth Dad also found that Mrs . Hollansworth also was all excited about it as well . Soon Pastor Hollandsworth , Dad , Mom , and I were in the conference room talking about starting a courtship . Next we had a talk with Dr . Jim . Dad says that my eyes were the size of dinner plates . I was not surprised about the person or that others could see it . ( Earlier that year I was talking to Wes about his engagement and he said I should court Rebecca . Coming from Wes that meant something to me . ) I was taken back at the timing . I struggled with being passive . I wanted mom and dad to tell me what they wanted to do but Dad wasn 't about to do it . Dr . Jim finally told me that I could not be passive . I needed to make a decision . Well I said to go for it and then came the debate of who would make the phone call . Dad thought I should simply to make me sweat , but I thought that he should make the call . Soon it was decided for dad to make the phone call . We determined thaThen Mr . Clark somehow lost our phone number and so he called the Napuunoa 's to get the phone number . He then called dad and asked " How soon do you need an answer ? " My dad told him that we weren 't in any hurry . ( Sure we weren 't in a hurry but boy did we want an answer . I think my parents were more antsy than I was . ) When I found that he called the Nap 's I wanted to make sure they didn 't know I was courting . I had heard that Sharon was courting some guy from Rochester and I figured I better investigate . I called the Nap 's and Mr . Nap said nothing about a phone call from Mr . Clark . As I talked with all the children I found all sorts of information about Sharon 's guy Joe Grimaldi . He was supposable a lot like me . What they didn 't know was I knew that this Joe went to Rebecca 's church . Sharron had met him at Fort Dodge . Later that weekend I called back to talk to Mrs . Nap because if she received the phone call she would be sure to ask me about it . She said nothing . One of the boys must have got the call and thought nothing of it . Mrs . Nap told me all about Sharron 's courtship . She also asked about my status . I told her nothing . I explained a little how courtship works BCM style and she was all for it . She encouraged me and told me that she was daily praying for me . Coming from her that meant a lot . What I wasn 't ready for was a call slip from the office to see Mr . Sholtz . " What could this be about ? " I thought . Mr . Sholtz asked me point blank " what was going on between you and Rebecca Clark ? " Come to find out he didn 't know anything about what had happened during the Holiness Conference ( I guess that the administration doesn 't communicate to well ) . I explained everything to him and he told me about the phone call he received from Mr . Clark . Apparently Mr . Clark called and said that I had permission to court his daughter . Mr . Sholtz had to stop him and ask who he was even talking about . Mr . Sholtz then recommended that the Clark family get to know me . Wheee ! ! Spring Break was interesting that year . Rebecca had Christi and Julian going home with her and I had Benji and Jeremy going home with me . Dad was hopping to meet their family at Albert Lee or something but we never got a phone call . Dad completely blew the cover in my car on the way to prayer meeting . Jeremy was in the back seat spacing out when dad made a direct refereWe also found a little mud over spring break ! ! Next thing I knew my Dad and her dad thought I should call and talk to Mr . Clark . ( it was my turn to sweat bullets . I did and offered to come and make a visit . Next thing I know my trip to visit Cousin Jimmy in Chicago changed to visiting the Clarks in Lake City . When I called Jimmy to cancel and said I was making a trip to visit a girl 's dad . He asked where and I said Lake City , MN . " I know exactly where that is " he said . " How ? " I asked . He told me that it was close to Lake Pippen where they had gone fishing with the boats for years . He was excited about the trip for me . Before I left Pastor Van wanted to talk to me . We had a good little talk and he was not at all surprised at what was going on . Once again he wanted all the details . I got some good questions from him to ask Mr . Clark . Later when I was getting the special request form from Mr . Overmiller he wanted all the details . I became tired of telling the story on a one by one basis . Especial when it was a secret . I called Mr . Clark to get the address and find how to get there . I had some gut retching feeling that I need to find it on a map before I make a fool of myself looking for it . I wanted to look online but if I was online I needed a buddy who could see what I was looking at . I managed to do it and used Google Earth to scan up and down the road that she lived on . After pinpointing what I thought was the house I asked Rebecca to verify . Nope , I didn 't get it right . I missed the turn onto her road from 4 . I didn 't remember that in the directions her dad gave and I wrote everything down . Either he forgot or I was so excited I didn 't hear . Good thing I asked her . Soon I was in my car an on the way . As I left Falls I called them to let them know when I was leaving . Jenny answered the phone . She was very short and to the point just like the other time she talked to me . I laughed to myself and set off . I figured it wouldn 't be bad to listen to Pastor Van 's courtship seminar again . All four hours in one sitting . At about 5 : 30 p . m . I pulled out the sandwich that Leah Fruen had made me . She asked me what I wanted on it and I said " The works " . Boy , did she ever give me the works . I could early fit it in my mouth . As a result I dropped a large tomato on my only dress shirt which was a white one . " Great " I thought . I 'm going to meet the Clarks for the first time with a large tomato stain on my shirt . With water I managed to get it out while driving but not without work . Just as I pulled of the interstate I stopped at a gas station to gas up and use the restroom . I called again to let them know that I was getting close . I began to get nervous . Things that I don 't normally care about all of a sudden I did . " Is my shirt tucked in ? Does my back seat look clean ? I better just be myself ! " I stopped my car at an entrance to a farmer 's field to tuck in my shirt though . Next thing I know I 'm at their house . It was dark and as soon as I opened my door her come the two dogs . Duke was excited to see a new stranger . With two paws he poThat night I couldn 't sleep . Why I don 't know , strange room , excitement , anxiety or maybe the ice - cream . 5 : 00 I was up . No more sleep for me I was bright eyed and bushy tailed . I hit the shower and dressed for the day . Then I sat on the bed and did my devotions and then studied for my Contemporary Theology Mid - term . At about 6 : 30 I heard Amanda come downstairs . I made my way out , put on my bibs and went out to help with the chores . I didn 't know what I was doing . Sure I had been to dairy farms before , sure I had milked a cow before , but I had no idea what to do and in what order . Amanda , Jenny , and Gabby were content to let me stand around and watch but I wasn 't going to do that . I told Amanda if she didn 't tell me what to do I wouldn 't know what to do . She gave me a shovel and told me to scoop poop . Great ! A task that I can handle at least I felt useful . I had several questions about the milking operation they ran and enjoyed helping out . After milking the cows Amanda and I went to help Sarah get the horses in . Once we were all done we went back to the house . Going to the swap meet was ruled out because of the cold and the wind . It was decided to go to an auction and pick up some dishwashers . On the way there the girls asked a lot of questions about names ( my mom , dad , brother ) and then they had me guessing on all of their names . I forgot all the middle names except for Rebecca 's . It was one of those auctions that had a lot of junk , slow auctioneer who didn 't know a lot about his stuff , and outside in the cold biting wind . The girls had walked to the hospital to visit someone so seeing the type of auction it was Mr . Clark and I made our way to the Hospital . Once we got inside it was a mess trying to find the right room . A couple times he said " You 're from town , you should know how to get around in here . " I laughed to myself because this hospital had the dumbest numbering system . We were sent to room 364 in some wing or something like that . We were directed to the wing but once we got to the third floor the numBack to the auction and the guy still hadn 't moved much . The girls waited in the truck while Mr . Clark and I stood around . He asked some questions about he mission field I was going to and graduation . Not a lot of talk . Then the auctioneer got to some tools . Next thing I know he buys a ton of tools . Off to the truck I go with a hand full of tools . As I approached the truck I noticed that the girls had the back window completely steamed up . ( Lot of gabbing I guess . ) I threw the tools in the back and then opened the door and told them their dad wanted them to help carrying tools . They all filed out and we all grabbed hand full 's of tools . Then we all stood around as Mr . Clark bought rags and other things . Finally we got to the washing machines . Once we bought them there they go racing down the street . Jenny tipped hers over . Lily decides she wants this large radio / record player for $ 1 . " It wasn 't worth lifting " I told her . I think at that point her tongue came out at me . Once the truck was packed with junk we headed down the road . Before long a lid from one of the washing machines flew out and I had to run out and get it . Once back at the house we unloaded the truck , cleaned the gutters , and milked the cows and then I don 't remember what we did . I know by evening we sat around and talked again except this time the girls were sent to bed at about 11 : 00 and Mr . Clark and I had a talk . This was the talk we had been waiting for I guess . I had my list of questions and he had his . His hardest question and yet easy to answer was " Why Rebecca ? " All I needed to do was explain what God had been doing in my heart and through my parents . I felt as if I understood where he was coming from and he now knew where I was coming from . So at about 1 : 00 we went to bed . Just as I was getting ready for bed one of the pesky bloody noses came . Great ! It was time to sleep and I got a bloody nose and I 'm in the room with new carpet . I did what I could in the sink and then just tied my bandana around my head and laid my extra sheets over theiMrs . Grimaldi came up to me and introduced herself . When she heard my name she asked if she should know me . Knowing that Mrs . Nap has told her about me I smiled and Said " no , you shouldn 't know me " ( At least I hope not ) Sitting quietly in my seat the next thing I knew there were bus kids all around me and boy were they wound up . One boy turned around and out of the blue slapped the kid next to me . After Church I made my way to my car to leave . There I simply left the church and waited on a side street for the Clark van to pass . In my mind I was wondering what to do . Mr . Clark had no idea where I was or what I was doing . And if I tried to talk to him it might blow all cover . I simply sat and hoped for the best . Soon there went he van . I had written down directions in case I lost them but I didn 't need them . After eating lunch at the house Mr . Clark , Lilly , Jenny , Gabby , and I went to the bottoms to look around . I was quizzed about my types of trees and miserably failed . I should have paid more attention when I was little . At one point Jenny , gabby , and I went one way and Mr . Clark and Lilly went another . After exporting around we made our way back to the road . Mr . Clark and Lilly had moved the van and were hiding behind a tree on the hill . I saw them and wondered what they were up to . When the realized we saw them they came out and met us on the road . We chatted for a minute or two then he sent me to the van except he pointed the wrong direction . I was smart enough to say " Sure " and walk toward the van . He didn 't get me that time . As we drove around he told me to pick up some snake weed on the side of the road . I did and sure enough he started to drive off . I should have known better . When we got back to the house he told me to get the mail . I fell for it again . ( We get lots of mail on Sunday at my place so why wouldn 't they get it here ? ) This time on the way to church I rode with the Clarks . I waited in the back of the van after they all had gone in . Finally , about 10 minutes late I walked in . If only people could be on time ! Cars kept coming and I couldn 't let anyone see me get out of their van . When the invitation was given I went toward the isle and headed for the back . I was just praying that no one would try to catch me and give me the Gospel . I knew It would be hard to explain why I was leaving early . I opened the hatch to the Clark 's van and got in . If it wasn 't for Amanda seeing me as she got in none of the Clarks knew where I was . That night we stayed up late telling jokes and lateral thinking puzzles . Finally at about 2 : 00 I went to bed . By this point all the girls felt comfortable around me . They got a kick out of a guy doing dishes . Also the girls had told me a few different times that I think like their dad . I figured that was a good thing if I was to be marrying Rebecca . Monday morning when 5 : 30 hit it was harder to wake up . After chores we all came back in the house . The girls made breakfast while I washed dishes . Rice was on the menu . I don 't remember what Lilly said but I dished her very little rice then served all the other girls . While serving others she flung some rice at my face . If that was the way it was then I would get her back . She handed me her bowl for more rice and I picked the rice off of my face and put in her bowl and then put more rice in . I was ornery and so was she ! Cutting wood was on the agenda for the day . It felt good to work again . College had made me into a lazy bum . Mr . Clark gave me the Sthil 026 and I went to work . When there was no more for me to cut up I would help the girls put the wood in the wagon . I hustled them and wore myself out but I wasn 't going to let them know that . Lilly was stacking the big pieces in the back of the truck for weight . I told her she was moving to slow if I could get them to her faster than she could stack them . I think I ran a few over her toes . ( She survived ) Once the wagon and truck were full we cut down a few trees and left them to be picked up later . Then we went a drove down around the fields . Mr . Clark stopped the truck and we all got out to go down to the river . Standing on the sandbar we skipped rocks . I was doing unusually well . Several of my rocks went all the way across the river . Lilly couldn 't skip a rock if her life depended upon it . I tried helping her but it 's one of those skills that just takes time . Once we were back at the house we ate potato soup . I was starving when I came to the table , but half way through my bowl I was full . I don 't know what was wrong with me . I had worked hard and was hungry and the soup was the best I have had in a long time but for some reason I wasn 't hungry . After lunch I went out to help clean the gutters . Whenever I clean the gutters I try to race the other girls . Jenny always complains that I fill up the chain so she can 't . I just like to keep her moving . After changing my cloths I packed up to leave . I was given some cookies and banana bread for the road . The banana bread was in a bag with the words " Jason We love you big brother . " As I sat down in my car and found an envelope with my name on it . I thought that was funny . I thought I cleaned out my car before I came and I don 't remember receiving any mail . In the light it looked like money was inside . Boy , was I puzzled . I opened the envelope out of curiosity . It was a note from jenny . I found both notes meaningful and special . I hit the road and called mom and dad . I was tired and had a long way to drive . I talked about my weekend and they listened . Then dad talked about what he was looking at on Google Earth . ( Anything to keep me from swerving off the road was great ) I also tried studying for Contemporary Theology but to no avail . I was beat ! In summery of the weekend I had a wonderful time . The entire weekend I found strange . Here I was spending time with Rebecca 's family to get to know them and my mind was not on Rebecca at all . I was so absorbed in the family and had such a great time she didn 't matter . This was neat to me because it was as if God was confirming that this was not simply a fleshly desire of mine but it was a gift from Him . If I was pushing it I would be putting on a show for her family and trying to get them to like me . My thoughts would have been consumed with Rebecca and what I need to go to get the family on board with me courting her . Also I caught myself acting and talking like Mr . Clark . I suppose that is a good thing at least for a while . During this whole time I have neglected to mention my contact with Pastor Vanderhart . Before Spring break I called Pastor Scott and he was sure excited about it . His wife reminded me about her book 101 reasons not to marry Jason W . Miller . I 'll never forget what Pastor Scott said . " You mean to tell me that you 're looking at marrying a girl within a year and she doesn 't know yet ? " When I told Pastor Vanderhart he was very calm and collected about it . Excited , but just not vocal . Now Dad has talked to Mr . Clark about having Rebecca and one of her sisters come and visit my family the weekend of May 15th . We will see what happens . I am in process of getting her a promise book for graduation and a rose . Getting it to her might be a problem if I need to keep it a secret . I 'll do my best . Pastor Holandsworth and his family came to church for the first official time tonight . He asked me about how things were going and I told him . He was excited for me and wanted me to keep him in touch . Sunday , May 11 , 2008 Today was the big day to give her the graduation gift ( Card , flowers , and Promise book ) . Saturday night Mr . Ryan called me to tell me that he couldn 't pick up the rose for me . I went to the store and instead of getting one rose I ended up with 6 tulips . ( I told dad on the phone that I didn 't know what was wrong with me spending that kind of money . ) When I got back to the dorm the Holloway dorm was just showing up , but they didn 't see the flowers . I had planned for Christi Willis to take Rebecca to the park benches where I studied last semester before my bike was stolen . When I Got up in the morning I discovered that it had rained almost all night and was still raining . I called to get the weather info and found that it was going to rain all day . My idea wouldn 't work and I needed a quick solution . I went to Mr . Ryan to see if he had any good ideas . He recommended Mr . Zemple 's office . " Great Idea ! " I thought . Then Mr . Ryan tells me that he has a rose for me in the fridge . I guess I ended up with 6 tulips and a rose . At school I transferred the flowers from Mr . Ryan 's trunk to my car . Then Chris Sanderlin put them in Mr . Zemple 's office . ( Chris knows I Courting but not who ) There I waited for the Girls . Rebecca was completely surprised . She had a hard time holding back the laughter . Christi did her share of laughing as well . Rebecca read the card and the note in the beginning of the promise book . I shared with her a bit about what I was expecting form the relationship ( Christ centered focus ) . We took a picture and then they left and I waited for about fifteen minutes before I left . As I exited the Church there the two girls were walking around . I said something and found that Rebecca was so high on cloud nine that she couldn 't go back to the dorm before she cooled off . ( At least she 's excited about it . ) Graduation night her family showed up . I come into contact with them when Ayron calls me and says we need to lift a van . Mrs . Cain had got her back wheel stuck in the ditch at the girl 's dorm . As the night went on I had brief contact with the Clarks although more than expected . During the graduation ceremony I caught Rebecca 's eyes a few times and boy did that light up her face . I was so glad for her . Afterwards at the reception little interaction was made but I did find myself staying in close proximity to her family . When the reception was almost over she wanted to get a picture of the two of us in the hallway . Great ! I suggested we do it down stairs . Once again Christi Willis was there to take the picture for us . I went out to their van to pick on Hannah . Mr . Clark sent me in to round up the rest of the family and get them out the door . Before she left she had one more question for me ( or I had one for her ) . After we stood with Gabby in front of Mr . Hohl 's office and answered each others questions . Gabby gave me a big hug . To me nothing said was as good as Gabby 's hug . I guess the family likes me . Tuesday , May 13 , 2008 Tuesday after graduation Mom and I went shopping for a Birthday gift . I guess all the Dutch and scotch in my blood ran dry . I had a set dollar amount and spent about twice what I was expecting . Mom had all these crazy ideas of what to get and I couldn 't find anything that was simple , sweet , and fit her personality . Finally , I found it . Talking on the phone has been a little awkward . I want to wait to share my ministry burden until I can talk to her face to face . This keeps conversation pretty frivolous although I think it does help us get comfortable in our relationship with each other . I don 't know what to say and she doesn 't either . We basically end up teasing each other over the phone . ( Not what most people do I guess . ) Friday , May 16 , 2008 Monday , May 19 , 2008 The weekend went very fast . I hope I can recall everything . She showed up Friday at about noon with her sister Jenny . After eating lunch with Mom and Dad , Jenny and Dad went to the barn to reassemble a deck on a lawn mower . Rebecca and I sat at the picnic table and I was able to tell her about the call God has on my life to serve in Asia . Things went a little slow at first , but once the ball got rolling we covered a lot of ground . After sitting a while we took a walk . Friday night we played Dutch Blitz and Dirty UNO . Everyone had a great time . We decided to go to Aunt Jo Ann 's in the morning so I packed the fishing gear in the back of my car and headed to Pastor Vanderhart 's for the night . When I arrived at the Vanderhart 's pastor was already asleep but Donna was still up . Donna had a lot of questions and we stayed up until midnight talking . The next morning Mom , Rebecca , and Jenny showed up for prayer meeting . It was a wonderful prayer meeting as usual . Rebecca commented later that it was sweet to hear the simple faith that the people there expressed . She said after about an hour she looked at her watch and couldn 't believe how fast it went . After the prayer meeting all the introductions began to happen . Donna gave me the thumbs up . Finally we made it on the road . Mom was hungry so we stopped for breakfast in Pleasantville then she remembered flowers for the graves and we stopped in Knoxville . After visiting the graves we finally arrived at Aunt Jo Ann 's at about noon . After introductions we sat and watched Aunt Jo Ann finish cooking the mushrooms and fish . After lunch Jenny , Rebecca , and I headed down to the ponds to go fishing . Neither of the girls knew how to fish and I knew I was in for a treat . Rebecca had gotten a sun burn the day before so Mom wanted her to be extra careful . She had my fishing hat on and Jenny had my palm leaf hat . Both of them looked cute as a button . First , I got Rebecca going and casting was fun to watch . After about three tries she had it . Then when I waTuesday , May 20 , 2008 Today I spent my morning tracking down a transfer case for the Clark 's van . The lowest price they could get was about $ 500 . I found one for $ 225 . I guess on Thursday I will drive it up to them and then spend a few days and head out for camp joy . Thursday , May 22 , 2008 Today I picked up the transfer case in Ames , IA and headed up to Lake City . Laura Frueh will be there when I get there and it should be a surprise to her . At about noon I showed up and helped the girls in the garden . Laura and Becca came home at about 1 : 00 after getting parts in town . Laura was not to surprised . Becca needed to trim the horses hooves so I was her volunteered sidekick . Between the two of us we got the job done and it was fun to learn from her . That afternoon Laura , Becca , and I went for a horse ride . Becca and I were able to spend some quality time together . Friday morning I was up at the crack of dawn . It was cold in the camper and I woke up and was ready for the day . I knew the cows needed brought in so I went to get them . The only problem I had was I didn 't know where they were . I ended up way back in a back pasture and walked for almost one hour . Upon returning to go a different direction Jenny came up the lane . The cows were in the south pasture and didn 't know it . Into the barn for milking for them . Today we went as a large group riding horses . We went to the lookout over their property and to the cave they have on their property . I enjoyed spending time with each of the Clark girls they are a lot of fun . That night we played Dutch Blitz until 1 : 00 am . By the time I went to bed it was 2 : 00 am . Not to good if I will be driving the next day . Saturday became interesting trying to get laura out to the airport . Abby ( Gabby ) , Becca , Laura , and I headed of to the Minneapolis airport . I thought we were going to Rochester so I didn 't bring anything along . Opps ! Gabby and I threw my Tiger Balm at each other and kept ourselves entertained . She also listened to me quote Galatians 1 . Upon arriving at the airport I carried Laura 's stuff in and got her in the right line . Once back in the car we were on our way back to the Clark home . We needed to make a pit stop and so at the gas station I forced Gabby and Becca to get something to drink . They were not use to this and I could tell . ( I guess the Vanderhart 's trained me well . ) Conversation on the way home was hard to get rolling as usual . We finally discussed what each other liked for gifts and how we think concerning that . Also we talked about what we enjoyed doing as children . I am endeavoring to find how her mind thinks and what she likes , but I don 't feel so good at doing it . At the Clarks home we ate lunch and finally left for camp at about 2 : 00 am . Lillian was our special guest who would ride back home on a bus from Milwaukee . Upon stopping for gas I forced Lillian and Becca to get something again and they once again were taken back . During the car ride Becca was working on her " Principles and standards " assignment for camp Joy . Conversation happened but not two much . I had coupons for Culvers ice cream so we stopped . Lillian and I walked by the drive through and I waved inside . Her face turned as read as a tomato . When we finally arrived at camp I parked my car behind the maze and walked up to the lodge while the girls waited in the car . ( We didn 't want everyone to know right away . ) No one was too good at communicating because I walked around for 10 minutes looking for what I was to do . Finally someone caught me and about that time Becca and her sister came in . Lillian stayed with us until the bus left on Monday morning . Leaking out the courtship was fun . People would see us sitting together and say things later in private . I still find it funny calling her my " Girlfriend " . One person thought we were siblings and someone else thought I was courting Lillian . Either way we are having fun with the whole thing . Sunday , June 01 , 2008 We made it through training week . I don 't know what to say at this point . We are communicating more but still learning how to communicate . I got her a blue rose this last week and she wasn 't expecting that . We had a time of prayer together and I discovered if I want to know Becca mentally I need to talk to her , but if I want to see into her soul I need to pray with her . We also walked through Galatians 1 together and discussed the content . I can 't wait for all God has . The first week of camp is over . It was a little rough and different not talking to Becca . I discovered that my mail box key at camp opens many other boxes other than mine . Conveniently it opens Becca 's box . I have slipped little notes to her all week long ( Camp did give us permission to exchange notes ) . Sunday night we went to Mukwonago Baptist Church and the BCM ensemble was there . It was a little fun watching the reactions of those who didn 't know about it . Alonso Ibara was the funniest . He saw me sitting with becca and a row of girls from camp and as I walked over to him he didn 't know what to say . Becca sat in her seat and watched his face tell all of his expression . Levi called me before I went to bed and said " congratulations and you 're a snipe " . We talked about it a little bit and he laughed at some of the gymnastics I did to keep it a secret . This week Miss Small came to camp on Thursday and was excited to see me . She wanted to ask about the courtship . She told me that she had been praying for Becca and I to get together since my freshmen year . She saw it before I did . I never heard a word from her until now and that was best . Thursday Scott Hatchet asked the counselor guys if anyone would be willing to take a road trip to Winchester , VA to pick up lazer tag equipment for camp . I volunteered because I didn 't have any campers and for anyone else to do it they would need to leave their campers . Becca and I wanted to go with Miss Case to Falls Baptist Church this weekend , but Camp Joy said no for this weekend . Multiple times in passing we both expressed that we were looking forward to spending time with each other on the weekend . That won 't happen now , but I told her that the ministry will always come first as well as absence makes the heart grow fonder . She was all for me and I was glad to see that . See is going to call me as we travel so I will talk to her this weekend . Benji called me as I was resting to prepare for the long trip . I told him the good news and he giggled with excitement andIt has been a long time since I wrote in this journal . The Lord blessed throughout the summer and our relationship grew rapidly . The Goforth ministry trip was combined with the Judson trip and she was able to be with me in Ireland . We had a wonderful time . It was very hard for her to say good by after the trip , but she managed to do so . ( I had a hard time too ) . Although everyone knew we were courting we could not be seen together at the school . We finally Got engaged on September 26th . Nathaniel Stienbart and his sister went with Becca and I to have a " Picknic " at pike lake state park . We walked up a long trail to a tower that is at the highest point in the area . There at the top of the tower I proposed . She laughed at me . She then said yes . I put the ring on her finger and we ate supper . I now am in the hospital after having my appendix taken out . ( Adam got his wife from his rib , I must get mine from an appendix ) May 23 , 2009 Finally the day we got married . What a blessing from the Lord . If you wonder why I 'm not saying much here it is because I am writing this two years after the fact . I don 't remember all the details now . Yes … We are happily married ! I just can 't go back in time and recount all the blessings that God has done . I will however do my best to remember some of the things he has done in more recent years . Once I play a little catch up with this blog I imagine that it will be a little easier to maintain . Please enjoy and feel free to leave comments of how God is at work in your life blessing you . O taste and see that the LORD is good … ( Psalm 34 : 8 ) Blessed be the Lord , who daily loadeth us with benefits , even the God of our salvation . ( Psalm 68 : 19 ) O that men would praise the Lord for His goodness , and for His wonderful works to the children of men . ( Ps . 107 : 8 ) . . . the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance ? ( Romans 2 : 4 ) God is so good to us and yet so often we don 't recognize all the blessings He gives . It is not that we don 't receive those blessings ; but rather , we don 't recognize all the things He does for us every day . The purpose of this blog is to share the goodness that God has bestowed upon our family . It is so marvelous when God works on our behalf , but so often we are like the children of Israel and forget what God has done . I hope you enjoy reading about God 's goodness as we learn to praise the Lord for His goodness to us . Contributors |
How Jeremy thought this was a good idea , Emily would never be able to figure out . In the last two hours , she 'd had every item of clothing she owned on including her two Easter dresses and one funeral dress . Nothing upon nothing looked even close to right . She had no clue what someone was supposed to wear to a piano concert . Worse , whatever that was did not happen to be in her closet . Earrings . They were here somewhere . She looked in her closet . No dice . On the bookshelf , in every drawer , and then she remembered . Glancing at the clock and knowing he was probably already downstairs , she found the little bag of jewelry under the sink , said a small prayer that there would be two that matched , found the two silver dangly ones , and put them on . Her mother would be so proud . After all , she 'd had these earrings for three years and had never had cause to wear them until tonight . For one second too long , her gaze caught on her reflection in the mirror . " Ugh , " she said in disgust , but she didn 't have time to do any better . Turning away from the mirror , she grabbed her purse , checked to make sure she had cab money just in case , and yanked her keys from the desk . Her gaze snagged on the cross . " Oh , Holy Spirit , help . " But that was all the time she had . Jeremy went through his options . He 'd been in the lobby for a good ten minutes . Okay , granted he was five minutes early , but still . He checked his watch again as he sat on the wing - backed sofa and watched the people stream in and out of the double doors . His black jacket was uncomfortable , so he reached around and pulled to readjust it . He shouldn 't have worn the black turtleneck . Not in September . It was going to be murder hot all night . At that moment he saw her descend the bottom step , and for a single moment he thought she looked remarkably like an Indian princess . The off - blue blouse , the cream skirt that flowed all the way to her ankles , the bronze thong shoes , the belt with the beads and straps - all setting off the deep olive skin and that barely wavy but infinitely cascading fall of black hair . Gorgeous had never meant that much . " It 's okay . We 've got plenty of time . " The center of him thudded forward as he offered her his arm . " Shall we ? " For the life of her , Emily could think of nothing upon nothing to say . Every question he asked scrambled the thoughts in her brain so that she couldn 't untangle any of them . The way he looked wasn 't helping anything . GQ models would 've killed for his clothes . Black - on - black - on - black . Shirt , jacket , pants . If he was going to walk the red carpet , he couldn 't have looked more fashion plate ready . The car he led her to couldn 't have belonged to a college student . Silver and sleek , it shone in the late afternoon sunlight where it was parked in front of the dorms . Emily couldn 't quite get the idea that this was really happening all the way into her . Somehow she was at a car with the four rings across the front that looked like something out of a magazine she couldn 't even afford . Somehow he was opening the door for her and smiling at her and helping her in . Even when she was settled onto the soft gray leather of the seats , she had to breathe a prayer to the Holy Spirit because on her own , she had no idea how to do this . It wasn 't until the words of the song started that she realized she knew this song . Confusion traced through her . " I didn 't think you liked country . " Jeremy really wished he could wave a magic wand and ensure that every moment of the coming evening would be scripted to perfection . Unfortunately all he had to go on was his meager abilities and resources . At Chateau de Lefébvre Jeremy pulled the Audi A6 to the curb . Perfection had never felt so perfect . He got out and walked around to her door , leaving the motor running for the valet . " I love this place , " Jeremy said , leaning closer to her and hoping the awe was enough to overtake the fear . With her arm in his , they strode to the maitre de . " Reservations for Stratton . " He felt her hand tighten on his arm as he led her through the restaurant . He only wished they could 've arrived a little later so there would 've been more patrons there to see them . However , it couldn 't be helped . At the squared corner booth with the soft candlelight glowing on the table with four tablecloths , he waited for her to be seated and then he took his seat , smoothing down his jacket as he did so . Now if every minute from here through the end of the night could go so smoothly , he had a real shot at making this work . The menu was heavy , and when Emily accepted it from the waiter , she had the distinct feeling of drowning . Not a single word on the entire thing was in English . They all had little slashy marks over the e 's and seventeen letters where it looked that five would 've done nicely . She straightened , realizing full - force the mistake she had stepped into . Jeremy was going to think she had no culture . Worse , he would be right . Burying her gaze in the midst of the unfamiliar words , she fought to breathe and to pray - neither of which were working . She felt like an absolute idiot . She had no idea what whatever he said was , but whatever it was at least she could look like she knew what she was doing . She closed her menu . " That sounds good . " The waiter stepped up to the table , introduced himself in that same language with all the letters , and he and Jeremy carried on a conversation of which Emily understood nothing . There was a moment when Jeremy glanced over at her , and she thought for a split second that it was her time to talk . However , the moment passed and after the full space of time it took for her to know for sure she shouldn 't have come , the waiter nodded , took their menus , and departed . It took an immense amount of effort not to look up to see if there was indeed a rabbit hole somewhere above her . Instead Emily smiled and let her gaze fall to the table . " I 'm sure it will be wonderful . " Silence descended then , and although she tried to locate a safe topic in her brain , nothing adult enough for their surroundings was coming . Her knee bounced four times before she got it to stop . Fighting not to fidget , she concentrated on breathing . She didn 't know enough about him to even know what other topics he might be interested in . However , the silence was beginning to smother her . Funny . She didn 't remember a thing about it . Sliding one strand of hair over her ear , she glanced up at him . " It 's a lot about animals . " Hello . That was obvious , but her brain simply wasn 't working . Her gaze never made it off the table . " I always have . It was just something I could always do . " She glanced over at him , but that made her breathing stop completely . With a shake of her head , she looked away . " When I got the scholarship , I could choose either engineering or wildlife . Wildlife won . " With that the waiter brought a carafe of pale beige liquid , two wine glasses , and two waters . When he was gone , Emily took a drink of the water , set the glass down , and let her gaze travel across the restaurant . Granted she couldn 't see too much of it as the whole area seemed to be cloaked in darkness . There was a low murmur of other voices and the soft music playing on unseen speakers , but only that . Pulling her attention back to the table , she searched for a new topic . This was getting harder by the minute . " So , you 're a business major ? " With a nod , she searched for the next words just as their salads arrived . She shouldn 't have been so glad to see the salads , but she was . At least that gave them something other to do than to talk . Her salad turned out to be remarkably good . His was too presumably because neither said another word until the salads were gone . At first she started to shake her head , but it probably cost a small fortune , so she couldn 't just turn him down . Reaching over , she took the stemware and lifted it to her lips . Whatever she expected it to taste like , this was not it . There was no sweet to it at all . In fact , it was like the hard edge of a dirty shoe . " Umm . That is good . " Jeremy smiled , and she could tell how much he really wanted her to appreciate his effort . Thankfully , their meals arrived then , and when the waiter was gone , she managed to take a drink of water to wash down the rubber taste in her mouth . Her dinner looked delicious , and she cut into it wishing she 'd had lessons in fine dining before this moment . Unfortunately she was on her own in that department . She took a bite as Jeremy watched her . Two chews and she had to say she really was impressed this time . She put her hand to her mouth as he watched her , and she nodded . Once that bite was down , she took a drink of the water . " Very good . " He cut into his … whatever it was . She still couldn 't tell . Even looking at it , she wasn 't sure . A cut and she put another piece of her dinner in her mouth . " They really do good veal here . Veal can be so tricky , " Jeremy said , indicating her plate . " We were at this place in Aspen last year over Spring Break , and I don 't know what they did to that cutlet of veal , but it was the driest thing I 've ever tasted . " He took a bite . " Yeah . " Jeremy cut into his entrée . " Some people have a hard time with the whole baby calf thing , but to me , what 's the difference , you know ? " Suddenly what he was telling her made it all the way through her brain to the food in her mouth . In the next breath she thought she was going to be sick . She chewed slower and slower , trying not to think about it . When that bite was down , she took a long drink of water . How could he order her baby calf ? Then again , he didn 't know about the ranch and the animals , but still … Who would want to eat a baby anything ? That was just cruel . She picked around on her vegetables , no longer hungry at all . Figuring she could at least eat the glazed mushroom on the side , she cut into it ; however , the second it was in her mouth , her mistake crawled through her throat . She had to swallow before she swallowed it , nearly gagging on the slimy concoction as it went down . Jeremy , on the other hand , seemed to be having no trouble with the meal whatsoever . " What were Rebecca and Eric doing tonight ? " Emily asked , wishing she could be wherever they were rather than here . She took a drink of water , having never wanted a simple hamburger so badly in her life . Emily nodded , wondering how they had gotten so lucky . Not that the big screen was any draw , but just vegging on the couch sounded like heaven in comparison to this torture . Her gaze tripped around the restaurant again . It was filling up by now , and she figured it was probably after six . They would have to be going soon . Her only hope as she pushed the vegetables around and around on her plate was that the second act of this dreadful night would be better than the first . Jeremy could feel the perfection of the night sliding away from him ; however , he couldn 't get an accurate reading as to why that was . She had said she liked the veal , but then she only ate a few bites . She said she liked the wine , but there was nearly a full glass left when the waiter came to clear their dishes away . He wanted to ask , but it was clear she was uncomfortable talking every time he asked her a question . The more he tried , the worse he seemed to make things . He wondered where the fun Emily was - the one who sat on the floor and played spoons like the world depended on it , the one who lugged furniture down the hall joking the whole way . He wanted that Emily . By the time he looked at his watch , there was no reason to prolong the meal any further . " Are you ready ? " The words to give her a pass on the rest of the evening wound through him . Maybe he should . Would that really be so bad ? Just tell her they didn 't have to do the concert if she didn 't want to . The fact was , he didn 't want to . Three hours with pretentious , obnoxious people whose sole mission in life was to impress everyone else ? It sounded like sheer agony , and yet , he had asked her , and she had said yes . The only option now was to go through with it , like it or not . It was too bad she hadn 't had more practice at skirting the truth to get out of uncomfortable situations , Emily thought as the little silver car maneuvered through traffic . She could fake a headache . Surely he would understand that and take her home . Anything to get her out of this nightmare . However , in thirty minutes she found herself once again being helped from a car as the valet climbed in on the other side . She didn 't know what all of this was supposed to feel like , but somehow she 'd never pictured it to be this anxiety generating . The nervousness twisted through the slight feeling of needing to be ill . Thoughts of what she had eaten made her stomach knot into a tight ball when she stepped into the great hall with him holding the door for her . In one flash she knew she should 've said something and gone home when she had the chance . Ladies in black sequined evening gowns and men in tuxedos and three - piece suits milled about , holding champagne glasses and ah - haing . She wrapped her arms over her ribcage to deflect the displeased stares that seemed to come at her from every direction . Her skirt and shirt stood out in the midst of the sea of black like a lone flower in a field of lava . Even her shoes were wrong . Heels . Everywhere she looked there were heels . Not professional type heels either . The strappy kind with three - inch spikes , and here she was in flat thongs with gaudy gold medallions on the top . Dying at that moment sounded less horrible . " No , that 's okay . The stairs are fine . " However , halfway up the second flight , Emily wished they had taken the elevators . At least that way she wouldn 't have had to endure the myriad of reminders that she didn 't belong . The stares came from every person she walked past . They would once - over her outfit , frown with disapproval , and then turn back to their conversations as if to dismiss her presence completely . She wanted to cry , but of course , she couldn 't do that , so she kept climbing . When they finally reached the third level , Jeremy put his hand on her back and led her over to a second usher . This one , a young girl about Emily 's age , led them around the wings and to a small door . Jeremy opened it for her , and Emily stepped into a mid - darkened hall . The floor where she stood was actually soaring above the heads of the theatre patrons below her . " Oh , Mr . Hathaway , " Jeremy said to the older man with the snow white hair . He extended his hand as the gentleman stood . " Jeremy Stratton , Sir . " " I don 't believe so , " Jeremy said , falling into perfect rhythm . " It 's very nice to meet you . " He shook her hand and then resumed his place beside Emily . " Well , Miss Vasquez . It 's nice of you to join us . " Then he turned his attention to Jeremy . " So , Jeremy , your dad couldn 't make it ? " The lights dimmed and then came back up . Mr . Hathaway turned to his seat next to Mrs . Hathaway , and Jeremy turned Emily into the seats just behind the older couple . She sat in the seat near the edge , and he took the one next to her . It took a moment for him to get his jacket adjusted . Then he smiled over at her . She tried to smile back , but everything with him took so much effort , she couldn 't be sure which of her gestures were real and which were forced to make him happy . Again the lights dimmed , and she noticed the stage for the first time . The theatre could well have been called intimate although by her estimate it would 've seated about a thousand people . However , it wrapped around her in a way she hadn 't felt since she left Colorado . For a long while she tried to figure out why that was . It could 've been the soaring wooden ceiling or maybe the color of the wood itself . Warm with a slight yellow hue , it reminded her of her grandmother 's cabin . Yes , that was it . The cabin . She hadn 't thought of the safety of that space , the warm wood , the quiet fireplace in a long time . The hustle and bustle of the city precluded meditative moments spent by a roaring fire . In those days long since past into oblivion , running was preferable to sitting . In fact , she remembered with a smile her grandmother calling her . " Emilia , stop that racing around , come sit with me and live for a moment . " What she wouldn 't have given to have a cup of hot apple cider right out of the fireplace kettle . She could almost feel the snow outside those walls although she knew well enough that it was all of 70 degrees outside . The cold snow outside the windows in her grandmother 's cabin always made it feel a little warmer inside , and a happy but twanging ache gripped her heart as memories she had thought were long forgotten came flooding into her . With a breath she sent a silent but heartfelt prayer into the spirit world to keep safe for her the spirit of a woman who would surely be with her forever . The house lights went down , and the stage overtook her attention . It was as if she had just stepped into someone 's living room . Although technically wide , it was cozy and inviting with the huge grand piano center stage and a variety of plants filling in the space . Trees along each side of the stage sparkled with the twinkling of tiny white Christmas lights , and adding illumination were the two small lamps on the end tables positioned just so on the stage . As she watched , three young ladies bearing instruments strode onto stage and took their places . From the other side three men strode in and took their places as well . A young man not older than the two of them walked to center stage and sat in the lone chair just in front of the piano , facing the audience . All went silent then in anticipation of the key performer 's entrance . Applause broke out as a man in a white shirt stepped from the curtains , took a bow at mid - stage , sat down at the piano , and with merely a nod of his head life burst from his fingertips . To the side the ladies joined in . Emily realized then that there weren 't only violins , but a cello and something between the two also . Gentle and smooth the pipe player in front sent a soul - stirring aria into the mix . Taken in by the power of the music and the safe feeling of the space around her , Emily forgot about the looks she 'd gotten and the meal and every other bad thing life had ever dealt her . Sitting back , she let the music wash over her . For one perfect moment it was easy to hear the voice of God Himself talking . He shouldn 't have brought her , Jeremy thought as the music twisted to the end of the first song . This was about as lame as a date got . There was applause , but of course there was always applause . He wondered if the music even mattered . Had it been hideous , off - key , ear - splittingly bad , wouldn 't they have applauded just the same - as if they understood why it was so wonderful when they really didn 't . All these pretentious people with their refined tastes and fat pocketbooks . This night for them was as much or more about being seen in the right social circles as about their undying devotion to music and the arts . They might be fooling everyone else , but they weren 't fooling him . He sucked in a breath of ostentatiously affected air as his hands met in front of him . The idea was to impress her , but if this impressed her , then he didn 't hold out much hope for them to be together . After all , did he really want to spend his life going to places he hated , doing things that didn 't interest him just to make people he didn 't even like think more of him ? It was as bad as church . That thought slammed into him and pressed him back into the chair . His gaze traveled from the stage down onto the audience below them . What possessed people to be so gullible anyway ? Why couldn 't they think for themselves for a change ? What made them gyroscope their every decision to what everyone else thought was wonderful ? Applause rang out again , and startled , he looked to the stage to find the pianist taking a self - serving bow . What a jerk . What a show - off . He really thought he was something with his monkey suit and seven - piece back up band . Jeremy could see what Amber liked about him . He was just her style - all show , no substance . Someone with no real values like her would certainly be interested in going to the social - climbing , self - serving event of the season . It turned Jeremy 's stomach to think about the pretenses they had all believed about his father and about life itself . It all seemed to be bound up and on show for the world to see in this whole , stupid farce of an evening . Wishing the complete disaster of a date was over already , Jeremy glanced back at the door . He wanted to look at his watch , but that was probably impolite , so he didn 't . Still he wanted to , and it was a fight not to sneak a little glance . Maybe they could leave at intermission . It wouldn 't be the first time he and a date had absconded at an opportune lull . Oh , brother . This guy got better and better . Jeremy sighed in disgust . He glanced again at the door , wishing he could find a legitimate reason to leave . Behind the stage a gigantic video screen flashed to life - first in the image of a deep white moon which then faded into an old Indian in a full feathered head dress . Jeremy let his eyes fall closed in disbelief . They had to be kidding . The image of the old medicine man swept Emily 's breath from her lungs . It was as if in an instant she was back in the old , brown chair on her grandmother 's lap , five - years - old and full of the potential of everything . She could still smell the soft deerskin dress her grandmother wore as she snuggled in for her nap . The gentle , wrinkled hands were again holding her as the tired but strong voice sang about the trees and the wind and the rain . How she loved that voice , how she longed for that feeling again . Her hands wrapped around herself not to ward off danger but to huddle into the feeling . She remembered the stories her grandmother had spun during those lulls in time , stories about great buffalo hunts , about the land , about the spirits . Love and regret for all the little moments she had taken so for granted slipped through her . Back then she had thought those moments would last forever . The running through the lush green of the back forest , the washing of clothes in the ice cold stream that edged the woods because Grandma didn 't have a washing machine and didn 't want one . A smile of wonder traced through Emily at her grandmother 's reasoning . The ancestors had hand washed clothes for thousands of years on the rocks of the creek bed , and she saw no reason to change . Simplicity , hope , belief in things greater than herself and love . Most of all love . The power of love to heal all wounds . The gentleness of love to bring those back who had wandered . " Remember you are love and to love you shall return . " Yes , her grandmother 's guiding principle was love in all its glory . Emily could feel it even now . As sure as she heard the notes blending together , she felt the presence of her grandmother 's spirit . The thought that she was supposed to be here in this magical place , that somehow she had been led here for a purpose seeped into her consciousness . Never would she have come to this concert on her own , and yet the Holy Spirit had seen fit to bring her here just the same . The song drifted to a close , and Emily was sad to see it pass into oblivion . It was like a friend who had come to remind her of a great secret that she had somehow forgotten she knew , a guide , a mentor that left before you truly felt ready to fly on your own . She opened her eyes and sniffed back the emotions . Her hands came together to clap , and yet they made nearly no sound at all . Next to her but back slightly , Jeremy shifted in his seat . She glanced back at him wondering if he was as awed as she was by the experience . However , she didn 't get the chance to ask because the music began again . The lulling trills of the piano ushered in the horn and then the strings as on the screen behind them a picture of pine trees adorn with heavy snow captured her heart in one breath . Colorado . She gasped at the thought . The ache of missing home yanked her heart into her throat . Winter anywhere else could never compare . Just walking in the meadow and feeling the stillness of the most perfect place God ever created - it had always been too amazing to be put into words . So , instead he had put them to music and through it portrayed the experience better than any words she could ever have put together . As the images on the screen drifted through one into the other , she tilted her face to the sky , feeling the soft brush of the snow falling around her as if it really was . Growing up in the mountains , being ten and running through the forests . No place had ever been what that place was for her . No place would ever be again . It was safety and peace and joy and happiness . A place she wanted to return to so badly , it pulled ache out of her in fistfuls . The horn soared above the floating music . It was as if she could close her eyes and be right back there again - no space , no time between them . How anyone could so vividly capture those places in her soul , she couldn 't really grasp , but there was no doubt they had . As the final cymbal rolled , she took a deep breath and opened her eyes . Once again space and time regained their control over her reality , and she reached up and wiped at the tears clinging to her lashes . " Thank You , Holy Spirit , " she whispered . " Thank You so much . " Not particularly impressed , Jeremy glanced over at her as he clapped . It was then that he saw her wipe her eyes , and worry stabbed into him . He looked back to the stage for some clue as to why she was crying , but there was only the cheesy living room set and the pianist with his posse . Before he knew she was going to , Emily glanced back at him , and for one breath it didn 't matter where they were or what they were doing . All that mattered was that he was with her . Not really thinking past the wanting to , he reached over to her and brushed the tips of her fingers with his . For a heart - stopping moment he was sure she was going to yank her hand away . But then the music started again , and she relaxed into it . Her hand turned and let his twine over it . Music . It made getting her to melt into life look so very simple . At intermission neither of them got up . Jeremy had come this far and with her hand in his , he certainly wasn 't going to do something as stupid as getting up to walk around . " Are you enjoying it ? " he asked , leaning closer to her so their box mates wouldn 't hear . Emily was sure this had to be some elaborate dream . It had to be . There was no other adequate explanation for it . After all , she couldn 't be sitting in a place more perfect than heaven , with Jeremy not only sitting next to her , but holding her hand . That was not a possibility anywhere this side of reality . Almost desperately she struggled to imprint her memory with the sights and the sounds lest after she woke up , she forgot how this felt . The waterfalls no longer seemed to be only on the screen . The clouds . The weightlessness of flying . It was as if the music somehow knew the melodies playing on her soul . Once again , she thanked the Holy Spirit for this moment . It was the only thing she could think to do for the unbelievable gift He had given her . How anyone could sit through this concert and not be physically ill was beyond Jeremy . Smaltzy was a good word as were boring and over - the - top . The only thing that kept him in his seat past the first curtain call was the fact that he couldn 't just leave her there . He tried to surmise if her fascination was real or simply a show put on for his benefit , but in all honesty he couldn 't tell . Still every so often when she wiped her eyes or looked completely caught up in what was happening on the stage , his attention snagged on her and stayed . She looked so intrigued , so captivated as if the rest of the world no longer existed . Explaining that would have been impossible seeing how every time he looked at the stage it was all he could do not to throw up . So midway through the second curtain call , he gave up trying to be impressed with the performance and simply let himself be enthralled with her . When the final applause mercifully died down , he stood as he let her hand go . She stood next to him , but her attention seemed anchored to the stage for one more long moment . Her gaze swung to his then , and there was astonishment pouring from her . " Very nice , " Mrs . Hathaway said from in front of them . She turned to the two young people in the back of the box seat . " Didn 't you think so ? " But Jeremy was sure he was the only one who heard her reply . He put his hand on her back and guided her to the door . Back in the blinding light of the great hall , he had to force back the relieved exhale . She never so much as glanced at him as they made their way through the stuffed - suit crowd to the stairs . On the way down the stairs , her shoes slapped against the hard , terrazle flooring . She kept her head down , gaze on the stairs , hand on the railing all the way to the bottom . Jeremy took the hint that they were in fact leaving and walked at her side to and through the front doors . Outside he gave his number to the parking attendant , stuck his hand in his pocket , and let his gaze flit across the streetlight lit night . He didn 't know what to say or how to say it , so he said nothing . Nervousness invaded his being , and suddenly every second it took to get the car stretched into infinity . He glanced over at her , but she was clearly looking anywhere but at him . On his other leg , his finger bounced up and down with the waiting . A sigh of relief slid through him when he saw the little A6 pull around the corner . Like the gentleman his father had taught him to be , he helped her into the car , paid the attendant , and got in . Without a word , they drove off into the night . Uncertain concern drifted through him . No . The reply was instinctive in his head , but he was smart enough to stop it from coming from his mouth . " How do you mean ? " There was wonderment in her face and awe in her voice when she turned to him . " Think about how many pieces of the puzzle God had to put together for us to be here tonight at this concert . All the hours of practice each of those musicians went through , the time and talent it took to construct the building , the hours the photographers spent putting the videos together - just so we could sit there and hear God talk to us . " She leaned back in her seat and let her gaze travel out the window . " It 's just so cool that He loves us that much . " Jeremy was struggling to make any sense out of what she was saying . She actually liked the concert ? She actually got something out of it ? She thought the Holy Spirit of all things had led her there and was talking to her ? What was she , completely nuts ? " I guess it was okay if you like that kind of music . " " That 's just it . " She turned to him so quickly , he leaned closer to his door to get away from her intensity . " I don 't . I mean I didn 't . I mean I don 't know . I 've never heard anything like that in my life . " She leaned back into her seat . The breath wasn 't a sigh ; it was an exclamation mark . " To be able to play like that , to be able to listen to the music God is playing in your life and to record it like that . It was like opening life itself and looking in . " He let the conversation fall to a close until they pulled up at her dorms where the question of what happened next went through his thoughts . The digital read - out of the little clock said it was almost 11 : 15 , and he wondered what he would say if she invited him up . However , after sitting there for one more minute , she took a long breath and let her eyes go closed . " Thank you . " She let her head lay over to the side so she could look at him . " I 'm glad we went . " And then before he had the chance to so much as move again , she was gone , walking up the sidewalk by herself , her arms anchored across her body . He watched her , unable to get a full thought through his head . It wasn 't until she had disappeared into the dorms that he realized he should 've at least walked her to the door . At least . And a kiss wouldn 't have been completely out of the question either . After all , he did have a decent time , and he didn 't want her to think he was a total idiot . However , the moment had passed , slipping from this realm into another . With a shake of his head , he started the car and backed out . If there could 've been a way for the night to have gone any worse , he didn 't want to know how . " Well , she didn 't eat anything , she didn 't talk much , and when she did , all she talked about was God and the Holy Spirit or something like that . " Jeremy raised his pen from the page . " I don 't know , man . That stuff is a little far out there for me , you know ? " Eric considered the question for a moment . " Well , look . You don 't go to church . You don 't read anything other than your homework . And , well , I 'm not even sure you believe in God . " Eric shook his head . " I knew setting you up with Emily was a stretch . I just thought … " The hesitation was clear . Finally Eric tilted his head to the side in exasperation . " I thought maybe she would have some of the answers for you , that maybe she could say things in a way I can 't so you would see how cool it is when you let God in your life . " " No . " Eric held up both hands in surrender . " I 'm sorry , man . I get it . You 're not interested . And that 's fine . I just … I just wanted you to have what I 've found . " " It was good . " Emily turned back for her room , still trying to figure out how the date was herself . There were parts that were horrible , and then there were parts that were so incredible she couldn 't find the words . " Well , Jeremy 's really nice , you know . I mean he took me to this really nice restaurant . " Her hands came up around her knees . " I just … I don 't know . That 's not me , you know ? I 'm not a wine and brie kind of girl . " The thoughts streamed through her , and it took a great amount of effort to catch one . " Okay . We went to the concert , right ? And it was awesome , but I just kept thinking the whole time that I can 't be that person , you know ? The kind of person who goes to those things like that , who wears the little slinky black dress , and the fur coat . The diamond earrings and the pearl necklaces . That 's not me . " Her mind rewound through the memories . " And Jeremy … " She had to breathe through the thought of him . " He was so dignified , shaking hands , and talking to people like it was the easiest thing in the world . " Emily shrugged . " What 's not to like ? He 's great - looking . He 's got the car and the clothes and the checking account … " Her gaze fell to her feet . " I grew up on ranches in the middle of Colorado . I don 't know caviar from escargot . Even if I wanted to , I couldn 't be the kind of girl who would impress those people . I didn 't even impress Jeremy . " The lump lodged in Emily 's throat from the night before , and she had to swallow it to get the words out . " On the way home , I was trying to explain how it felt like the Holy Spirit was talking right to me during the concert . I could just feel Him there , you know ? " Her gaze dipped . " But I think Jeremy thinks I 'm a freak now . " " We 're just so different . He 's got his way of life , and I 've got mine , and that 's okay . I mean we can still be friends and go on with our lives . Worse things have happened . " By 7 : 15 Tuesday morning Emily was worried . Rebecca was always at her door for breakfast by five after . She walked to Rebecca 's door praying everything was all right . " Oh . " Emily glanced at the other side of the room and wondered where Holly was , but she didn 't ask . She retrained her gaze on Rebecca , and it was clear Rebecca wouldn 't be going to class either . " Well , okay . Get some rest . I 'll talk to you later . " " Becca 's sick , " Eric said as he and Jeremy sat at the table on Tuesday afternoon . " The flu caught her I think . She sounded horrible on the phone last night . " " That 's too bad . " Jeremy took a bite of his burger . " Oh , I forgot . Ransom told me to tell you they 're all getting together on Friday night to shoot some pool . " Perplexed by the motion , Jeremy glanced in the direction Eric 's gaze had stopped , and he , too , froze . There , unloading her tray onto a lonely booth to the far side of the building stood Emily . When the tray was empty , she set it on the return rack , sat down , and opened her book . She never so much as looked their direction . Guilt sliced through Jeremy as he put his head down and turned back to his friend . " I didn 't mean to make her hate us . " Emily wished she hadn 't come . Somehow she had convinced herself she would be able to pull off lunch as usual with them even without Rebecca by her side . However , at the last possible second , she realized , walking up , acting normal , and trying to get through lunch with the guys was simply more than she could do . So instead , she focused on eating as fast as she could as she read Biochemistry . It wasn 't great , but she 'd had plenty of experience eating alone during the past five years , so one more meal shouldn 't have been all that different . When her meal was gone , she quickly threw her things together and took the short route out the door . She was glad to escape . They probably hadn 't seen her anyway . Even if they had , it would 've been too awkward to sit with them what with Jeremy and the whole disaster date hanging over them . Yes , it was better this way , and fortunately the only one she really had left to convince of that by this time was her heart . " Yeah . She 's feeling a little better . " He , however , didn 't look so good . His gaze stayed on his shoe which he kicked onto the ground . " Good . But you 're staying , right ? " she asked , glancing back into the room where the others already sat . " I mean just because Rebecca 's not coming doesn 't mean you can 't . " " Of course I 'm sure . " Even as he decided to stay , Emily couldn 't quite figure out why he suddenly seemed so awkward . Although there were many words to describe Eric , awkward and shy were not among them . It wasn 't until Bible Study was over and everyone else left that she finally began to understand . Still , the knowing came from what he didn 't say rather than anything he did . In fact , he didn 't say anything even as she closed the door on the last of her guests . However , she felt the apprehension she saw on his face just the same . " So , Rebecca 's all right then ? " " I 'm glad . " Trying not to feel him watching her , Emily picked up the debris from the floor . She heard his movement behind her , and it only intensified the uneasiness in her chest . " Well , yeah , but … " He struggled to find the words . " I mean we 're friends . Right ? You and me . Whether the thing with Jeremy worked out or not . " " Well , the other day … " He seemed to be picking each word with kid gloves . " At the Student Union when you didn 't sit with us … " The intensity of his gaze shot through her . " That 's what I mean , Em . We 're still friends - you and me - even if Rebecca 's sick and Jeremy jumps off a cliff . I want us to be friends anyway . " Gratefulness and soft gentleness touched her . He seemed so unsure that he had a place in her life as just Eric that she wanted to reach out to him . " I want that too , Eric . " A tentative smile came across his face . " Really ? Oh , good . I thought … I was afraid … You know what happened with you and Jeremy … " Although she didn 't believe him at all , Emily ducked her head on the compliment . " It 's either right or it 's not . And that one wasn 't . Not anybody 's fault , just the way it goes . " With a nod Eric thought for a moment and then nailed her with his gaze . " But that 's it . Right ? I mean you guys can still be friends . You don 't have to sit all the way across the room just because it didn 't work out . " " No . That was supposed to be a ' no . ' " His smile lit a teasing glint in his eyes . " No , Eric , I won 't use that as an excuse not to come sit with you . " Emily wondered for two whole days what happened if Rebecca didn 't show up on Thursday , but thankfully when she walked out of Biochemistry , Rebecca was sitting there waiting for her . " Girl , you look like the walking dead , " Emily said as concern for her friend 's health drained through her . " Why aren 't you in bed ? " " We had a test this morning . I couldn 't miss it . " Rebecca leaned her head back and came forward with a huge sneeze . " Ha - choo ! " Rebecca 's normally unkempt hair was sticking out in weird angles all over her head . " I know . I 'm going back to the dorms to go to bed , but I was here , and I wanted you to tell Eric I 'm not going to make it tomorrow night . " " I was going to . Ha - choo ! " Rebecca was looking worse by the second . " But he doesn 't get out of class until four . Haa - ha … " The sneeze dissipated as they walked out into the sunshine . " I was afraid I would miss him . Ha - choo ! " Rebecca dabbed her eyes with the soggy Kleenex in her hand . " Ha - choo ! I 'm sorry . He wanted us to go play pool with them on Friday , but … Ha - ha - ha - choo ! " With that , Rebecca nodded and walked off . Emily heard the punctuation of three sneezes before she was out of hearing range . Shaking her head , Emily turned and dragged herself up the stairs . Trepidation slammed into her when she saw them sitting at the usual table ; however , today , she couldn 't let that stop her . Today she was on a mission , and even fear wasn 't enough to stop her . " Hey . " As if it was the most normal thing in the world , she stepped right up to their table . " I 'm going to order . Save my seat . " She set her books on the table between the two guys and went over to the counter . Trying to push the apprehension so far down it couldn 't get her , she folded her arms over themselves , ordered , and then waited . " They 're just guys , Em . They 're not going to eat you . Calm down . " Nonetheless , it took three breaths and more force than it should have to get her feet going back over to their table when her sandwich arrived . Moving without letting many signals from her brain really into her system , she unloaded her tray on the table . She didn 't even look in Jeremy 's direction although she felt him look at her . " Rebecca 's sick again . She sounds terrible . I saw her after class just now , and I told her to go home and get some rest . " Emily talked without pause , feeling her nerves coiling around her . She almost smacked Jeremy with the tray when she swiped it from the table , and he had to duck out of its path . Biting her bottom lip , she searched for a place for it . Finally she took it to the tray return all the way across the room then strode back over to the table , pulling on the bottom of her shirt , and praying she wouldn 't trip or otherwise humiliate herself . Once on the chair , she ran her fingers through her hair and flipped it over her shoulder . " Becca said to tell you she won 't be able to come on Friday for the pool tournament either . I 'm telling you , she really looks awful . I 've never seen her so sick . Holly said her temperature was 102 on Tuesday , and I bet it 's every bit that today . " She took a bite and chewed quickly . " If she 's not better by Saturday , I 'm taking her to the doctor for some antibiotics myself . There 's no reason to kill yourself over the flu bug . " " No . " Emily held up her hand and then had to chew faster so she could get more words out . " She was going straight to bed . I was supposed to tell you , she 'll try to call later tonight . " She felt Jeremy 's gaze slide over her , but that only made the tight nerves knot further and the words go faster . " I 'll check on her when I go back in a little bit . She just didn 't want you to worry . " She shrugged . " Sure . Why not ? I 'm sick of studying . Besides I 'd hate for any of those desperate single girls out there to think you 're available . You know how pathetic they can be . " Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Little Piece of Heaven , Novels and tagged A Little Piece of Heaven , Christian Romance , YA . Bookmark the permalink . ← A Little Piece of Heaven , Ch . 5 & 6 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I 'm working on a new novel , and this time it is a sequel . This story has been a long time coming , but unfortunately as I 've come closer to NaNoWriMo time , my original inspirations have started to fade away . Now I 'm left with a vague sense of a character , and a setting I have only explored once . Serious , thoughtful , and adaptive . Those are the words I would use to describe Delilah , aka Dada to her friends . She was always going to be a priestess , a woman of the faith of Jua ( the primary god in the biggest religion in the setting ) , if her life allowed it . Some would call her manipulative . When she speaks to people , she twists her words to get the best result . Her life , since she was young , has been trying to get the world to bend her way . She doesn 't do it out of spite , it is just the best course of action , the way to get the world to work the smoothest . If you see someone angry , why not say what you have to say in the best tone to make sure they don 't take it out on you ? This is Dada 's life , and when talking one on one , she becomes anyone 's best friend . When speaking to a crowd , she can make their hearts sing . Unfortunately , when in an intimate group , needing to deal with a few individuals , she suffers as she bounces between different needs in the conversation . Unfortunately for their relationship , Dada is so focused on her religion that she puts her community and temple before her own home . To Dada , she is in love with god first , her temple second , and her mate , Hans , third . This is something she would never vocalize to Hans ( it wouldn 't make him feel good after all ) , but is a fact she holds true to herself . In fact , her love for god could be considered , unconventional even in the eyes of the greater faith . Dada had a fun past . In fact , she had wild years in college while she was still wondering if she would go through with her major . Drinking , partying , days away from her family household , and the occasional bout of drug usage . She put all of that in her past when she put on her vestments , and with the help of Hans 's family , they moved to a new neighborhood and started their lives fresh . Become It Don 't let it touch you . That 's what the old ladies always told us . Don 't let it catch you , don 't let it touch you . It didn 't matter how fast I ran , I could always hear the footsteps behind me . It was a thud and a splat , like a bag of wet garbage being dropped in succession . One after another , they came down again and again . In the pitch black of night , it was hard to keep my feet going one in front of the other . Staying upright was hard , keeping my eyes forward was harder . The street was empty . In this part of town it was all half - built shopping malls and empty lots . Only the occasional car lit up the roadside patch of dead - grass in front of me . When the street lit up , my heart would fill with hope , only to be flattened each time as 3am drivers sped right by . No one was going to see me die . They said it chose bad boys that became bad men . As a mother 's tale it was sound . You didn 't brush your teeth , you didn 't wipe your ass , it would come for you . We were supposed to fear it for life . It didn 't end with your trash chores , the absent father and the abuser could suffer as well . Except they never did , and then bad boys forget . It was close now , I could smell it . It was an odor like rotting eggs drowned in settled mud . I had to fight back the urge to gag . All I could do is push harder . The sound of another car approached . I made the decision , and split off into the road , almost falling to my face as I did . I ran to the middle of the street , and waved my arms as the bright lights of the car 's high beams centered on me . I saw it , before I closed my eyes . It was a silhouette then , the car lights turning it into a creature of shadows . Then I saw nothing , and my body clenched as I waited for the car to run me over . Did they not see it ? Were they blind , or was it invisible . Maybe I was just mad . Another footstep gave me no time to ask further questions . I ran across the street , passing into the lot of a public storage company . It was dark at this hour , with only one light hanging over the gate to the property . There were billions of bad men . Why would anyone think they were the one at risk ? There was an answer though , not one I wanted to recognize . It wasn 't just bad boys who were hunted , it was our bad boys . I thought I was one of billions , but I was one in a dozen , the few boys to survive and continue to be around . Of them , I was the worst . Melrose had a business , CJ was a pastor , Eddie was working two jobs to feed his twins . Then there was me . I slowed down . My breath came in desperate pants , my lungs were burning , my legs ached . It was a dead end . Some idiot thought having a U shape in the garages was a brilliant idea , and now there was nowhere else to go . Coughing , I shuffled to the deepest storage unit , and fought with the lock on it . I tried to ignore the whumps growing louder behind me , and the acrid smell that was filling my lungs with every breath . My eyes were watering , and I was covered in sweat . It was right behind me , I could feel a heat coming off of it . Did it want me to turn around and look at it ? It made a gurgling noise , the sound of a man 's last breath . The skin looked like green boils sliding down it in waves . It was wider and taller than any man , but still shaped like one . But unlike any man , the flesh was fluid , like an endless fountain of the bile and blood that it called a body , spilling in undulating waves . It kept coming , and the longer I looked , the more my stomach tried to crawl up my throat . It wasn 't fair . Melrose was running his dad 's business . CJ grew up in the church , his uncle cared for him , taught him until he had a congregation of his own . Eddie 's mom remarried after his dad died . I was just the child of another bad man , couldn 't it see that ? Didn 't it know I had nothing ? I had to take everything to even get as far as I did . The creature was shrinking as it poured itself over me . The weight built up around my legs and waist . It was a crushing and smothering sensation , the heat and mass . It was becoming hard to breath . No matter how much I fought against it , the force of the flow would just knock me back , pin me to the wall . There was no escaping it , that was what they said . Don 't let it touch you , don 't let it catch you . If it gets you , you become it . " I 'm sorry ! " I shouted into the night . Tears were burning my eyes , " I didn 't mean to hurt her , I 'm so sorry , don 't do this ! " I kept shouting it even as the terrible flesh built up around my neck , and I knew it would suffocate me . I was yelling , but I was thinking more . They were excuses , sure , but I thought of them as additions . I didn 't mean to hurt her , but she swung at me first . I 'm so sorry , but this ain 't my fault . Don 't do this , I don 't deserve it . When it first spilled down my throat , I wanted to retch . Not even that had enough force to counter the flow and the force . It kept coming , it filled me , the sweltering heat over my whole body . There was something inside its shrinking form . I blinked away my tears . It was a man , pale brown skin locked inside the fleeing bubbling mass . Tears were streaming down his face as he took in panicked breaths , the mass no longer choking him . His familiar eyes were locked on me as he cried , they were just like mine . They were my father 's eyes . The old ladies always told us , don 't let it touch you . Don 't let it catch you , or you will become it . It will imprison you , and you will become it . I shared a previous snippet on here with what I would call ' Urban Sci - fi ' , and really I haven 't continued too much further with it . Experimenting with the concept is fun , but so far nothing has felt golden . What I wrote today is a scene set in the same universe as my NaNoWriMo stories , a ' socialist paradise ' cyberpunk world where the corporations were were defeated after years of harsh classic cyberpunk like darkness . Life doesn 't get too much better when the world rewrites itself after years of cyberpunk . The door swung open , letting in a flood of noise from the street . It was the sound of people cursing , jeering , laughing . That meant Tee was home , and he brought friends . " Hey RJ , " Tee said as he walked in and collapsed into the only other seat in the small ' Famdorm ' family apartment , " You looking to get pretty ? " Tee looked like his shirt was wound on too tight , and his pants belonged to a different species entirely . It was all a little colorful , but it was the trend . The colors were defiant , against the endless gray into blue built into so many government built complexes like where RJ lived . He had two others with him , Mark , and Dabble , both nicknames , both kids from the Loop . RJ looked over . The three of them surrounded a low table stacked with boxes from fast food and deliveries , with a small space left for RJ 's mother 's flower vase filled with little white marbles . Tee was smiling at him , showing off the left half of his teeth that had been replaced with plastic - like replacements that gave off fluorescent color in the right light . RJ knew he didn 't forget . It was just how Tee was . RJ could be in the middle of winning them the Sea - Van lottery , and Tee would forget to remind him to turn in the slip . He thrived on conflict , those little moments where it seemed like there was nothing in the world but your own troubles . " Man but it 's hot in here , " Dabble complained as he shut the door and joined the others at the table . Mark was the quiet one . He was also a bit of a punk . That 's where the name came from . You told him what to do , and he turn down his eyes and comply . You could get him to walk into a room of blackcaps in full riot gear if barked hard enough . It was no wonder he got mixed up with the wrong crowd . Tee pulled out a baggie of crudely proportioned uncut tablets of glistening red . He pulled the stick out on the table , and got a small knife to divide it up between them . Mark smiled and rubbed his hands together , Dabble just watched Tee 's hands work . He was talking to RJ , pretended not to notice . Not because he didn 't like Dabble , Dabble was fine . He just didn 't want to talk about Wendy . He had enough problems in life without cutting at festering sores and seeing what fresh stuff he could pull out of them . That was Tee being a friend , for what it was worth . RJ 's display popped up a picture from a shooting the night before . Well , it was pictures of the crime scene , with Sea - Van law surrounding the point of the murder . Mark must have seen it from where he sat , " That that scene near the underground ? " " No suspect , no weapon , " RJ added , scrolling down . Dabble was right , this explained all the cops . An NAB official gets shot in their neighborhood , they had something to prove . They wanted to pin someone down . Boys on the street were going to suffer for it , he had seen it so many times before . They were going to be harassed , searched , a few would probably end up in the hospital . He was going to have to stay off the streets , he needed his record to stay clean for the job interview . Corporate didn 't like recent arrests , especially if it was related to one of their own . Even finding a chance at a job was hard enough , especially one that would pay good enough to get him out of the dorms . Losing it all to a wave of random arrests would be one more burn in his crisp black history . RJ turned and saw a plain white box sitting on the table with the rest of the trash there . It didn 't have any real distinguishing marks , but looked used . It looked like Tee accidentally ran his arm into it while cutting . It wasn 't RJ 's . Back on his console , RJ had a message . It was anonymous , which meant it was probably junk . He still hit it , and a username that was just a series of numbers popped up . RJ picked it up , and turned the box over in his hands . It was almost as long as his arm , but not nearly as deep . It opened with a clasp that was tied with a zip tie . Whatever it was , he was sure it wasn 't his . It was an SSW 9mm ' Predator ' pistol . The gun had a long black barrel , the nu - safety technology that had become common . Still , the weapon looked worn . There was a magazine emptied , with slots where ammunition would sit beneath the magazine 's space . Only four bullets were in the case . Then there was a scream outside , and all heads turned . There was a muffled popping noise , and a distant whine . Tee shot to the door , opening the viewport and peeking out . His back went stiff , and RJ could see that he was ready to run already . A bus ? They were going to take anyone that looked young and dark enough to have shot someone , and process them all . At least the ones they didn 't leave facedown in a puddle of their own blood . Worse , he was holding a gun that wasn 't his , while a killer was on the run somewhere . " We gotta clean this up , " Tee said as he looked around . He snatched up the remaining tabs of Sparkle , slapping Mark 's tab out of his hand , " Help me stupid , they 're coming in here . " Even Dabble stared at it . A little box of trouble dropped into their lives . The NAB didn 't take kindly to weapons at all , but a gun like this would get them locked up for a long time . Just having his prints on that box would be enough to get RJ sent away . what else could be done ? Fight off a whole complex full of cops ? Take on Blustar and fight their way across the country ? They had to hide , but there was no hiding . He went back to his console , his eyes flashing to that stranger in a chat window . There was a new message , a winking emote . It was always something . Life could never get easier . 08 / 08 / 2015 by MD Kid Categories : Fiction | Tags : amwriting , Black , creative writing , cyberpunk , saturday scenes , urban What , a saturday scene with a priest in it ? Surely Marshall is responding to the historic announcement yesterday ? Nope , I 'm just messing with a draft that happens to have a priest main character . Though I might talk about Friday later this week , my views on it aren 't really necessary . This is part of a sequel to a previous Nanowrimo . I don 't often do first person , mostly because I sort of throw words out in a mix of past and present tense , which comes out garbled . Either way , here we go . If any of the details of the religion itself throw you off , just remember it doesn 't matter . All of their eyes are locked on me . Some of them are powerful people , business owners , veterans , doctors , family heads . In their day to day life they are in charge , but in this moment , they all look to the pulpit and listen . I adjust my vestment with a hand , and scan the crowd . " I tell them , love isn 't a rose , not metaphorically or physically , with thorns and all . Though they never believe me , I tell them that if they want to feel the true warmth of Jua , they don 't need anything but the spirit he earned you , and defends for you . " The lecture was about being close to god . I spent the two nights before preparing it after the Wilt family kid came to me and asked if god and his mates loved him or not . There , out in the grass behind the temple , I fumbled . I could only tell him what I 'm sure his mother had told him before , ' rest assured , you are loved . ' " We must recognize the signs that are already there , " I said tilting my voice up , " We feel love every day of our lives . Love is that sickening feeling in your gut when someone is attacked , or in pain . It rips at your insides , keeps you up , boils your blood . That 's how I know I love this community , that 's how I know I love god . " They cheered as the sermon peaked , and I looked down to the front row among the clapping patrons . Hans was there , in a pressed suit with his well - trimmed hair , smiling up at me . I couldn 't help but grin back . " We can look to the stories , " I continued , bringing my voice back down , " I can tell you the line ; moon chapter 4 line 22 , clash chapter 1 line 10 . I can throw quotes at you all day but that won 't mean a thing unless you leave yourself open to seeing him , and loving him . Then you will know what he feels in return for everyone , and you will understand that you are loved . " The crowd turned to chanting , and I could hear old Eliza swooning in the back rows . It wasn 't just rhetoric , I could feel the fluttering in my stomach there in front of everyone . It felt like my body , chest outward , was radiating vital essence of the divine . I concluded , and they left row by row , stopping to hold hands , say passing words to each other , give a pat on the back . I Turned , and he smiled down , but it wasn 't the same smile as before . It was crafted , strained . It didn 't take long to see why . " Priestess , " He said with a level of mirth the statement didn 't need , " That 's exactly why I stopped in today . I 'm glad I did , that sermon was exquisite . You really are a touch of the divine , I felt infused by every word . " Compliments were the weapons of kings , both good and evil . There was no way to avoid them , so I let them wash over me , and took what good I could knowing the man in front of me . " Do you want to go to my office ? " I offered . I put a finger to side of my lips , and I saw the governor twitch as I did . The motion was instinctive , but I regretted it anyway . Even if he was so open to manipulating me , it didn 't do to manipulate him in return . That wasn 't my place , and never would be . " All ready to go , dear ? " Hans said when the governor was far enough away . He looked tired , even though he wasn 't the one who just finished talking for a few hours . I had a lot of planning to do . Important people would be in town , and I had a duty to fulfill . Not just to the community , and by that the governor as well , but to Jua himself . Sorry folks , I was in Canada last Saturday , so I forgot to post this . Well here it is now , a sort of culmination to the previous werewolf stories . It includes everyone 's favorite extra NPC , Lt . Spatz . Sixth Ranger There was a rustle in the bushes . It was more than just the wind , larger than some rabbit . People were moving , and people meant danger . They always do . A little girl popped into the clearing , chasing a grasshopper , wearing a small backpack and colorful boots with a cartoon character on the side . She looked around , and her eyes filled with wonder at the animal she saw lying there in the little den . A woman came into the clearing , wearing hiking gear and a larger pack than the child . She was dismissive at first , reaching for her daughter 's hand to pull her aside . Then she saw the wolf , and her whole body went rigid . She pulled the girl close , and tried to be still . He laid back down . Who did that lady think she was , calling him shaggy ? He looked at the sun , rising high in the air , and decided he needed to go . He rose once more , trotted through the underbrush , and continued down the hillsides until he could smell the indistinguishable scent of port - a - potties , hot dogs , and motor oil . His perspective rose , and he could feel his body twisting beneath his skin . Spatz pushed through a bush , and sat down on a bench at the edge of the park . He let out a sigh . There was relief there , he had to tell himself that . Somehow , life was a little better than before , if only a little . Then his phone started to vibrate out of control . It buzzed , and buzzed , and buzzed until he could pull the iPhone out of his pocket and check it . Five voicemails , at least fifteen texts , the phone stopped counting . He was going to look through the list of missed calls , but then Meredith began calling . He picked it up , leaned his head back , " Yes ? " He could tell she was stressed . Considering everything that was going on , he wasn 't surprised . She was trying to construct a new pack , pay respects to the old , and lead a war . He didn 't envy her . She was talking to someone else in the background . Spike ? The two new entries were still adjusting to how Meredith did business . To tell the truth , he trusted Cam and Mike more , and that 's saying a lot since he was sure Cam wanted to fight him . That tied Spatz ' stomach in a knot . If she was talking about Levi , she would say so , wouldn 't she ? Maybe , he knew Meredith kept secrets , who didn 't have secrets ? Still , he prided himself on having some idea what she was planning . It said , " Have werewolves ever thought of just , not wearing leather ? " Spatz tried to read it again , but it didn 't make any additional sense . Was he drinking ? Hopefully not . He walked in on the scene , and saw Chicago PD swarming everywhere . They were taking forensics , orders were being shouted back and forth . He sniffed , and the scents in the room made him want to pinch his nose . " What are you doing here , Lieutenant Spatz right ? " asked a Lieutenant from Chicago he saw now and again . The guy was tall , and a hard - ass , real territorial . Unfortunately , he had other loyalties that meant he wasn 't all that useful as a contact . He was waved into the hall , and Spatz could feel the air get thicker as they walked . They reached a staircase , and the Lieutenant pointed for him to walk down . They got to the bottom , and reached a room covered in tribal gear and chiminage . The walls and ground were painted in blood that stank of something strange . There were two more scents , ones Spatz couldn 't mistake for anything else . Later that morning he was at Naperville central . He was out back of the school , and Mike was attempting to do his best impersonation of a shadow on the wall . " They aren 't saying anything because they don 't know anything , " Spatz said , an arm against the wall , " But they can 't smell you on the knife Mike , I can . " Spatz flared his nostrils , " No , you 're not in trouble . But I know the knife is yours , and they are freaking out in there . You can 't have knives at school , I 'm pretty sure that is in the rulebook somewhere . " That was the ' I didn 't read the notebook ' shrug . Spatz let out a groan , and ran his hand down his face . His phone buzzed , and he pulled it out to check it . Mike started to walk away , and Spatz called out to him . The boy turned around . He hadn 't exactly done anything to anyone , and considering what all attacked them at the school in the past , it wasn 't the stupidest idea to have a knife . It was just dangerous , and illegal . Mike shook his head , and then went back inside . Spatz was pretty sure he saw a smirk there . A little later he was outside an ice cream parlor . She sat at the bench - table , and seemed oblivious to what he was asking . Then her face lit up , " Oh , yeah . So we weren 't able to catch him . Still , we looked up the crystals , and they were a bunch of hippy stuff , a lot of articles about clearing the mind and helping stress . The kind of stuff mom would probably use . Then Jennifer and Dick were talking about hunting down other shifters to see what they knew , and I tried to tell them that they wouldn 't know anything , but they just kept talking about finding them and hurting them . She is such a bitch . " Spatz nodded , and ignored his phone going off in his pocket . He was losing track of what she was talking about , but it seemed like she was interacting with the local Pure girl . If they recruited her , what would they do with her ? Most Pure would rather rip a Forsaken to shreds than use them for some scheme . " Then I started thinking about Leonard , and they might hurt him , and I started crying . So I tried to call him , and he wasn 't answering . With all this weird stuff going on , what if he is already hurt ? I would just die . " He had no idea who Leonard was . Did he forget , or was Leonard just not important ? " Oh my god , what if he is just ignoring me ? " Sylvia said , her eyes going wide , " Oh my god , that dick . I 'll punch him . Well , maybe not , he got beat up pretty bad the other month . Still , I told him I liked him , and he said he liked me too . I can 't believe him ! " Later that day he was in a counseling office with a young man named Jacob . Mundane as far as he could tell , the boy just decided to try to make a weapon at school during shop class and use it against another student . " No one is going to press charges today , " Spatz said , " Still , you need to ask yourself where you were going with this . I know it seems like this world is everything today , but trust me there is a whole big world out there , and attacking someone like that can - " Spatz took a deep breath , held a finger up , and then plucked his phone out . It was Levi . He silenced it , and put it back . " Do you have somewhere to be ? " The kid said , his voice hoarse from an earlier screaming match with the faculty . " No , " He said , " I 'm here . " Cam had his bag in hand , full of what Spatz had to guess was boxing gear . There were other kids with him , none of which Spatz recognized . Cam looked at them , and the others laughed before Cam jogged over to the window . As far as Spatz could tell , getting Cam to trust you was the hard part . How Levi had ever managed it was a mystery that Spatz had never figured out . Spatz didn 't want to call it trust issues , with the bit of the guy 's history that he knew , he was right to keep himself distant . Still , he had some friends right there , that 's better than before . " I don 't know if you 've been watching the news , " Cam said , " But a Black guy jumping into a police car , not the safest scenario . " Spatz started to laugh , but let it fall off . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond to that one . Cam looked over his shoulder , and waved goodbye to the rest of his group . Spatz smirked , " Wild right ? Not all the time , no . It helps control the chaos . We can 't just jump at every fight that pops up , sometimes you need rules . The hunt is the game . It makes it like a soccer game , sets up the boundaries , and defines the players . " There was a little regret there . Spatz could hear it . That wasn 't Cam 's fight , maybe it wasn 't the best time to bring him in . He didn 't know what the shifters were doing , he didn 't feel the pressure to get revenge against the Pure . Cam didn 't get to finish his sentence , a mess of fur and screams hit the sidewalk next to them . It looked like it fell out of an abandoned apartment building . It rolled over , scrambled to its feet , stood up like a man . Spatz shrugged , " Beshilu are always around . Another werewolf thing . Father wolf couldn 't destroy them , so they spread around the world , getting their revenge on us for always hunting them . " He tried not to roll his eyes . He was drinking at a younger age , though beers instead of colorful cocktails . " You 're kind of extra grumpy today , " Levi said as he went into the motel room freezer and pulled out a small assortment of alcohol . She wasn 't , it already started . Spatz didn 't bother explaining that , he knew what Levi 's response would be . Still , shifters and werewolves didn 't always get along , and that is just how it was . He was risking a lot even being there . What if Levi was also working with the Pure ? What if that was why Sylvia was so close to Jennifer ? What if he was just being played , or lead into a trap . What would be his excuse to Meredith when she found out he put central Illinois at risk , over what ? He didn 't have time to be guilt - tripped . He put on his coat , and went to the door . " Call me tomorrow , " Spatz said as he opened the door . There , peeking from behind the clouds , the full moon . He could feel it , like the heat of the sun at high noon , burning against his skin . Another werewolf might give in to it , another werewolf might have looked for bloodshed , or at least some act of violence or passion . Spatz walked around to the back of the motel , and his body began to shift . He fell to all fours , and let out a howl that made the night tremble . This was his night , and he had a long run ahead of him . Meredith was silent on the other side of the line . " Fine , " She said , " Can you pick up the boy ? I want him to join us tonight , and he seems reluctant . " " Yes ma ' am , " Spatz said . Then she hung up , and Spatz let out all the air in his lungs . Another day , and more work ahead . Time for a little more Werewolf storytime . This one follows one of the last two members of my group 's pack . His history is interesting , because his character development was shifted when he took the life of an enemy and the pack started to view him as less than stable . After that , his mother vanished from his house . He didn 't have it easy . A Good Boy Chicago was weird . Compared to the suburbs of Naperville , it was like living in a maze of neighborhoods . The world was always screaming , people shouting , cars roaring , and machines rumbling . At first it can make it hard to survive . Perseverance makes anything possible . It was bright enough out that Tim had his shades on . He pulled his backpack close , and looked back and forth across the street . There were buildings everywhere , half of them poorly marked offices and the others small shops and businesses that Tim had no interest in . The dog stayed close to his heels , stopping whenever he stopped , sniffing at people who passed Tim on the sidewalk . There was no hesitation . That was an aspect of spirits that Tim liked , when it was in his favor . The weaker ones rarely played games . Games were alien to them . The dog was at his feet , panting and looking around . A few people walking around were looking at him like he was insane . Maybe he was , at least a little bit . This whole adventure was starting to feel strange , like a dream . Though , what did that say about him . Becoming a giant beast , fighting other furred monsters , channeling spirits , that felt real . Chicago was dreamlike . Trying to maintain his GPA in undergrad studies , that was foreign . Tim could feel himself breathing too hard . Something was rumbling to the fore , a sensation like panic and anger all mixed in one . " Thank you , " Tim said . He went into his backpack , and pulled out a picture of him and the rest of the pack , taken in front of a pool back in Naperville . He found some gum on the pavement , and stuck the picture to the ground , at the edge of the camera 's view . " Come on boy , " Tim motioned and started to walk again . What was his mother doing here just a week ago ? Multiple watcher spirits had seen her , and he was closing in . Still , she always seemed ahead . To make it worse , his original suspicions weren 't true . None of the packs knew who she was . He consulted with a few Bone Shadow tribesman , and they couldn 't do much more than tell him to seek the aid of spirits . He was starting to fear the worst . Maybe his mother was a Pure . Maybe he should have taken Sylvia 's advice , let her come and sniff his mother out . This was his problem though . He didn 't want to join a war , and he wasn 't joining Meredith . With Levi off doing whatever , he was all by himself . He stopped and gave the dog a rub on the head . It barked softly , and Tim pulled out a treat . Later they would go and hunt , find a fresh kill , and Tim could relax . He stood and looked at the building in front of him . It wasn 't marked with a name , but there was something about the logo . There were two birds there , based on their heads they looked like eagles . His mind went back to the letter from his mother , and the two feathers he found inside . Tim looked down , " I guess we better check it out . Keep quiet though . " He walked inside , and a secretary behind a desk smiled at him . The whole business looked like a meeting house . There weren 't any brochures , or signs . Nothing was welcoming to strangers , if you weren 't looking for this place you could walk in walk out and never know where you were . Shit . Tim could feel a million thoughts bubbling to the surface , but none of them were going to get him past a simple secretary . Maybe he should just run out , pretend he was in the wrong building . It was easier than looking at that smiling face and waiting for the word - puke to come out . This was a breakthrough . There was no other way to see it . His mother wanted him to find this place , wanted him to know she was going to come here . What was here ? He walked over to a plaque , covered with a few first names , the two - bird logo , and saw ' TEL elders ' . " Two - eagle league ? Twin - eagle lodge ? A million other possibilities . He could ask , except that might look strange if he was supposed to be here . He would ask a spirit , except this building seemed mostly barren . The man smiled , and looked down at the dog . " Someone 's a little protective . Hi , I 'm Ray . You said Kirsten recommended you ? " He needed to run . He needed to turn tail and bolt as soon as he could . Still , they knew his mother . His mother lead him here , and they knew anything about her . He had to stay for now . He nodded , and followed as Ray walked down a hall . The building wasn 't barren . The resonance was dark . This building had a locus , he could feel that now . It had a locus , and something was feeding on it . They walked past rooms that looked like small meeting rooms , like classrooms for children . Chalkboards , pictures of the outdoors , books piled on tables . " That 's okay , " Ray said , " If Kirsten wanted you here , that means she had her reasons . We have a history as environmentalists . Our lodge is at the forefront of the fights against Keystone , the pollution of Lake Michigan , even issues far away from Illinois . Recently we 're looking to expand , move our operations from something grassroots to something everyone in Chicago can be part of . " They went through a door , and Tim followed Ray down a thin staircase . He could feel something in the air , a sort of energy . This wasn 't just essence , it wasn 't just spirits , there was something else at play . What was his mother mixed up in ? They reached the landing , a small room . Two others were there , cleaning up damage . Was there a fight here ? He could smell it , blood was shed , recently , just days ago ? Was she there ? He could smell her in the mess , an old scent . It wasn 't quite mom , something was different . " Who is this ? " Said one of the men with a large broom in hand . This place , it wasn 't some environmentalist room . The center of the room , it had a large circle curved into the concrete foundation . A strange character was drawn there . It was repeated on the walls , crystals hung from the walls . It looked like a sort of tribal spiritualism , mixed with new age nonsense . Still , the power here was real . " You 've barked up the wrong tree , " Ray said , shrugging , " Uratha . " Who was Skyblossom ? Why would mother call herself Skyblossom ? " Tell me what you know about Kirsten English , " Tim said , putting his backpack down , " And I 'll let you keep going . " Claimed . Their bodies latched onto by terrible spirits . He couldn 't tell what they were , possibly magath . It infested them , a sick essence that leaked at the seams . The whole room was tainted with it . Why would his mom ever be here ? What was she hiding ? Ray 's arm started to twist and meld , until it became sharp like a knife . The others dropped their tools , and their bodies also began to warp . " Fine , " Tim whispered . He had a name now , that was enough , a new start . He could feel his body warping , the panic and anger gripping his heart as it exploded in size . He shook his head , and his shades fell away to reveal an eye misted with a field of stars . His whole body pulsed with muscle , his mind retreating in the face of the monster he was letting loose . This was their choice . A better Uratha might have had control . In the chaos that ensued , they might have been reserved and taken their time . The twisted spirits might have gained an upper - hand in those moments of hesitation . Tim didn 't let that happen . They weren 't powerful spirits , or particularly smart . They wanted to outnumber him , but he overpowered them . His claws ripped into sinew , and his jaws bit deep into their twisted flesh . They became more monstrous as the fighting continued , and Tim responded in kind . The chaos they were cleaning up was renewed , blood spread on the walls , claw marks across the occult symbols . When he finished , only one was still breathing , lying in a mess on the floor . " Come , " Tim said . The dog bounded to his side . They started back up the steps . As they made their way back to the front desk , Tim noticed the girl hiding behind the counter . Maybe he would txt Levi . Still , there was something he didn 't understand . The Claimed on the floor , he wasn 't taunting Tim with his silence . That look on his face when Skyblossom was brought up again , it was fear . A spirit so afraid of his mom they would stay silent and be destroyed ? I almost forgot to post fiction , on Saturday . What a travesty that would have been . Another Werewolf fiction , coming at you . This one featuring our group 's favorite little alpha in training , Sylvia . Sylvia walked out of the community center with her phone in hand . She waved goodbye to some of the kids , and then headed toward her car . It was the middle of the day now , she had the whole evening ahead of her . She could spend some of that heading back to her apartment on the Northside , or see what Kimiko was up to , or go on a run , or maybe Tessa wanted to chat . Jennifer 's hands came down on Sylvia 's wrist . She squeezed tight until the keys slipped free and fell to the concrete . When Sylvia looked up , Jennifer still had that same expression . " You 're in my territory , " Jennifer said , " I told you before . Your pack is gone , you gave up your claim . This is my pack 's land now . " Ever since they all broke up , Sylvia was the only one really left in town . Sure Mike and Cam came by to visit family , but then they were gone just as fast . Then Jennifer stuck her fat nose into everything . " You mean your dad 's pack ? " Sylvia said . She regretted it as soon as she said it . Unfortunately , the thought just popped up , and came out of her mouth . Jennifer was always so sensitive about everything . She was supposed to be evil , Sylvia had to be careful . She jumped into her car , and as Jennifer stood there brooding , she drove off into central Naperville . It was a nice day , the wind kept her cool , and she could relax . At least , it was close to relaxing . Every time she thought about it all , she got twisted up inside . It felt like she was going to puke , or cry , or both . She missed the past , which is weird because it included a lot of scary stuff , and nearly dying . Going to college was the last idea on her mind then , and here she was . That smell . It was like , dust , fungus , strange wood . She got out of her car , and walked around to the roadside . There was a small bit of woods there , and she knew if she followed it west , it would keep going until it hit a reserve . She looked both ways , and then covered her face with both hands before she started walking forward . There was the small snap and shift as her nose changed into a snout . She sniffed again , and got even more . This wasn 't normal , whatever it was . At the same time , it was a little familiar . When she was far enough from the road , she pulled out her phone and looked at it . She took a deep breath , stuffed it back in her pocket , and hunched forward . The ripple of the change went through her . It was a lot like shrinking , with the world rushing away from her , and finding yourself with a new perspective . Her paws were damp from the grass . She could feel her sharp teeth locked in place . She was free , loose , a full wolf . She shook her fur , walked in a circle , and then sniffed at the ground . Whatever it was , whoever , they had walked this way . She let out a small bark as she started to run . The wind rushed past her , the trees brushed against her . Occasionally , she stopped and sniffed again . Male , a little older than her , hurt ? It had the smells of the city , but not , a little too country . She charged forward again , sniffing at the air , feeling a change in the winds . Whoever it was , they were up ahead . It wasn 't the first time a strange scent popped up in Naperville . Hopefully this one wasn 't a rat - monster , or some weird spirit . Those kinds of things were hard to deal with , and sometimes she just had to leave them alone . It wasn 't like she was a pack all by herself . Well , she kind of was . When she got close , she felt something new . Her fur was standing on end , there was power here . Magic stuff , Tim 's stuff . She looked between the trees , There was a big boulder there , large enough to have a few other rocks in the same outcropping . It looked like someone had cleared it of trees once , maybe they used it as a little ritual circle , or just a campsight . There in front of it was a guy , cross - legged . He was sitting in a pattern dug in the grass , almost like a large symbol . She could hear it , he was whispering . The guy turned around . When their eyes met , for a moment , the guy wasn 't all there . It was like he was looking through her , his eyes just ornaments in his head . Then he shook his head , and started to fidget . he stood up and backed against the rock . He was a rabbit shifter . They met him before , trying to steal from one of those crazy spider - creatures . He almost died last time , and then he said he was never coming back . Except , now here he was . She remembered , he smelled hurt . Now that she looked at him , in his dirty jeans and some beat up shirt , he just looked like a hitchhiker . He didn 't seem hurt . Well , maybe a little twitchy , maybe he was emotionally hurt . Could she smell people 's depression ? She didn 't know if that was awesome or not . Sylvia turned , and saw that Jennifer was coming up behind her , with Dick Worth in tow . There was another boy there , younger even than Dick . Sylvia realized she didn 't know how big Jennifer 's pack was . Jeremy 's took a step away from the rock . He was sweating now . Last time Sylvia saw him , he was a jerk , but he at least kept his cool . Something changed , and she didn 't know what it was . Why was he so worried ? She could figure that out after she kicked Jennifer 's ass . They turned and looked at each other . There wasn 't anger there like last time , Jennifer looked concerned . She pointed to the weird stuff by the rock , and started to walk over . So far , Jennifer had only ambushed her twice in her life , not counting today . That was still a good track record . It was two to one now , but maybe she could get away if she really needed to . She walked over and kneeled by the little shrine Jeremy was building . " Maybe it is a ritual or something , " Sylvia said . Then she thought better of giving Jennifer any good ideas , " Wait , nevermind . It can 't be that right ? " Jennifer stood up , " So you don 't know anything then ? What about the others ? The little guy , Tim , maybe he could figure this out . " " That 's such a bad guy thing to do , " Sylvia said , " Just following someone into the woods . You don 't know what I was doing out here . Maybe I was jogging , or streaking . " " I know you 're just trying to help the city , " Jennifer said , " So I 'm being nice . I 'm not like my dad , I know when to put my teeth away . Still , if you stop being useful , I 'm putting you on a bus to Chicago . " She opened up a text message , " OMG , I sniffed something in NPville . You would be so proud . I nearly got killed , but it was weird , so I followed it . It was something strange , and I found Jeremy , or Jamal , whatever . He was there , and acting weird . Then guess who 1 of 2 " " Showed up ? Jennifer . She is such a bitch , but she wouldn 't fight me . I think she likes me . What if she was mad in love with me ? Wouldn 't that be weird , like a secret undying love ? I think she is good now , maybe . Whatever , her pack is helping . So I will figure it out , until you come back . Then you can help . 2 of 2 " For this Saturday , more Werewolf stories . Once again , I did some fiction work to prepare my players for more sessions . I was surprised how much they enjoyed them , so I went all the way to 4 ( with a 5th one that I haven 't finished yet ) . Here you go . Why Spatz was still doing this for him was something Levi was still trying to figure out . It was hard enough getting everything else in his life in order . At least this one thing wasn 't a problem . He didn 't have to show his face in town , which lead to the best benefit of all . " Are you hungry or something ? " Levi said , jumping up from the couch . He leaned forward for a second and hissed as pain shot through his arm . When he looked up , Spatz was watching him . Spatz liked to pretend he wasn 't observant . Levi couldn 't decide if he liked that trait , or hated it . Maybe that was part of being Meredith 's lapdog , no telling the alpha - bitch what you noticed until it was the right time . It was a message . Not exactly what he wanted to hear . It was another strange happening in Chicago , another shifter dropped out . Thankfully it wasn 't one he knew well , he was getting tired of losing friends . Instead this was just more proof of a bigger picture . He wanted to know about the smell . No wonder that woman kept Spatz around . He was completely loyal , to a fault . He was like a worried puppy , doing whatever it took to figure out why his master was sad . Levi was sure that Meredith 's biggest mistake was ordering Spatz to watch out for his pack . Levi had eyes in the woods . When someone decided to take a stroll toward him , he could make himself scarce . The problem was , his crows never saw Mr . Trenchcoat enter the forest . There was no car , or bicycle . He came out of nowhere . He looked too human to be spirit stuff , but Levi knew from experience that you never knew what was strange about someone until they let you know . Then Levi let out a loud caw , and dropped on his head . Whoever this idiot was , he didn 't expect a giant bird - man . Levi laid into him with his claws , doing whatever damage he could before the man could recover . " Okay , okay , " He said , " Magic leaves a residue . If you can see it , it is pretty easy to recognize unique signatures . Your magic is … primitive , freaky . I wanted to know why . " Levi looked at him , and thought about it . The word cages was still ringing around in his head . He knew even then that Spatz was going to be mad at him for this . Spatz nodded , and mulled it over from his seat . " We haven 't figured ours out either . The pure , the other werewolves , are acting strange . They have switched up their tactics . A lot less killing , a lot more recruiting . " Levi 's phone chimed , and he pulled it out . It was a message from Sylvia . Something was happening in Naperville , she also mentioned something about Jennifer , and undying love . Levi had trouble getting through it all without his eyes glazing over . I asked myself , ' why don 't I ever write anything surreal ? ' Besides being an odd question to ask yourself , it was also a bad time to ask myself . I have a lot of stuff I should be writing , so trying another project right now was a terrible idea . Still , I started a story , and here it is . Hold on to your butts . There was a knock at the door . Arty didn 't answer . He was looking at the painting on the wall of the hospital room . It took up a sizeable piece of the far wall . Men being mauled by lions , the browns in their faces distorted and lengthened as the beasts bit down on them . It was obviously a fake , who put a real painting in a hospital room ? The door cracked , and someone popped their head in . He couldn 't tell who , not until he heard the heavy footsteps on linoleum . They had a snap to them , each bootfall had emotional weight with them . It was Clark . Arty could see him now , pulling up a chair by the hospital bed . Carl was all shoulders , hunched forward , his eyes twisted up in sadness . Arty did this to him . He was different before . Taller , wider , brighter . Before Arty had to sit in hospital rooms , staring at paintings . Clark let his words hang in the air . He sniffled , and Arty could hear him squeezing his hat in his grip . It was painful , watching Clark sink into himself , become more tears and sobs than man . Back on the force , he was larger than life . He was always the man - of - action , could push Arty into doing anything . Now he had a leak he couldn 't plug . He was pouring over Arty 's sheets , occasional blinks stymying the flow . The old man had been stuck in the face , and he was letting it all out . Arty turned , his eyes focusing in on Clark . " It is your kind of case . Me , I don 't know what to do with it . You know how it is , if I can 't shake someone down , I 'm lost . " Clark laughed , but it didn 't stop the tears . This was interesting , it was something to do , anything besides sitting , waiting , listening . " Tell me everything , " Arty said . Clark shook his head , " I don 't know . Maybe I shouldn 't be bothering you with this . I don 't want you stuck with this . " He knew he couldn 't shake Clark . " Hell , " Clark said , " Whatever . You aren 't here for sappy stories . Plus I thought of you as soon as I walked in on the case . " ' You should have seen this place . It was beautiful , Victorian style , everything redone . Inside it was Oak everywhere , the floors , the cabinets , the walls . ' When he opened them again , he was in the doorway . A stairwell lead off into a black wall of shadow , one turn left into the sitting room , old oak bookshelves and tables . It was the sort of house you inherit , but keep in great condition . It was a house that had history . The kitchen was even better , all new installations , with nods to the past . Pictures hung from the walls , faceless people watching looking back at Arty as he walked through . ' There were signs of a struggle , but only inside . Blood smeared across the floor , pictures knocked from the wall . Then I saw her . She was your type Art . Her skin was as smooth as silk , curves in all the right places , that short black hair . Her make up made her look like a doll , those bright red lips , eyes bold against pale skin , shit . ' She walked into the room . She was wearing red , and had that slight smile when you meet eyes with someone for the first time . Her eyeliner pulled back to the side , like an imitation of some actresses Cleopatra . What was she doing here , in this room ? Why was she dressed so nice , was she going somewhere ? In a house like this , was this her lifestyle , wake up and dress to impress ? He needed to know more , he wanted to know her . He heard the pop . Her eyes went wide , and the dark hole drilled through her forehead . She didn 't gasp , didn 't cry out . She just collapsed backwards , struck the hardwood floor like a sack of meat . " Damnit , Clark , " Arty said , " Damn you . " ' I can 't figure it out . He didn 't drag her out there . The blood is her husband , dead upstairs . He dragged the fool to his bed . As far as forensics understands , Mr . Moon was dead first , then the monster came back , found her , and killed her with one shot . He didn 't take a thing , the house was intact , no locks broken . He came in , and sent a message , and the only man who knows what it is got the same damn treatment ! ' Arty looked away from Mrs . Moon . Clark was in the kitchen now , leaning over the bed . Arty walked over and put a hand on his shoulder . Clark put a hand out and grabbed Arty 's hand on the bed , his real hand , laid out with tubes sticking out of every hole they could find . To Arty it was a white mess , a hole he didn 't bother filling . It was the splotch he didn 't need to fill to see the puzzle complete . Clark 's chair screeched against the floor , " You be strong . I know you 'll come out of it buddy . You owe me a beer , remember ? " She leaned against the doorframe , her arms crossed across her chest . Mrs . Moon smiled at him , and then walked to the cabinets in the kitchen . She opened one , and pulled out two glasses . He pulled up a chair to his bed , and sat down . Something else was lingering on his mind , and he couldn 't lock it down . It was hard to figure out , especially when she was in the room . His eyes couldn 't help but follow her , the curve of her back , the twist of her fingers as she held both cups under the tap . A rumble shook the house . Arty looked around . The door Clark left through , it was dark outside the window . All the windows , they were black , he was alone here , with her . She put a glass down in front of him , and pulled up a seat on the opposite side of the table . There was a growl from outside the kitchen , like a tiger locked in a cage . He could feel it on the side of his face , as if it was right there . The sound of it made the house tremble , but still , he knew it wasn 't here yet . I GM a lot of tabletop roleplaying . Well , I used to do more , but now I get into it now and again . Two years ago I ran a game of White Wolf 's Werewolf : The Forsaken . A game that is typically about scary werewolves dealing with scarier werewolves and terrifying spirits . Instead , we morphed the game to be about high school kids who had to deal with spirits while worrying about who to take to prom . That game randomly stalled and ended in 2013 . I still talk with all of the players . So when it was brought up again , I decided to do something weird . I wrote some ' fanfiction ' of our game . It was argued that it isn 't fanfiction , because I wrote the story . Still , the primary characters are not mine , so to me , outright controlling them in a short story , is odd . Here is one of those stories now , about two years after the original plot . It was impossible to focus . There were chattering voices everywhere , new scents and sounds , but that wasn 't the worst part . It was the eyes . No matter where Mike looked , everyone was looking at them . A voice boomed at the end of the Chicago dive bar . It was some biker - looking guy with a beard that needed trimming and eyes that looked bloodshot . Mike had gathered just from the time in the room that he was important , probably lead a pack of his own . A few other men in biker jackets cheered as he started to talk . Mike put a finger up to shush him . For a brief moment he could actually feel Cam get angry . He didn 't know if that was some more strange magic stuff , or if he was just that used to Cam . " This is it ! " The man shouted , " This is the night we have waited for . This is when we take back blood for blood lost , and we show our ' cousins ' what it means to be a hunter . No cheap tricks , no games , no distractions . This will be war , and they will cry to the heavens for a general worth the battle they have called down on them . " The crowd erupted around them . Mike knew a little of what they were talking about , their battles with other werewolves , the ' war in Chicago ' . It kept encroaching on Naperville , it kept pushing their little ' pack ' , if it had ever been that , until everything fell apart . There were still a pair of eyes on him , and Mike found them at the front of the room . It was a woman he knew all too well . She was sitting in one chair of three set in a line , her legs crossed and her eyes focused down on Mike . " But this fight isn 't just ours , brothers , " The beard man said , " This is for all of us here in Chicago , that is what a war is . Our packs must stand together . That 's why tonight 's hunt belongs to the first to lose a Wolf - brother , Shifting - Winds . " Somehow Mike didn 't feel like his safety was her main concern . This felt like a recruitment drive . There was food , he was being paid pointless attention . If Spatz was in an army uniform , it would be like any other army recruiter he saw at school . Meredith cleared her throat , and a silence passed over the crowd . She narrowed her eyes and looked over the room . Mike had to admit , she commanded respect from her own . As far as he knew though , she also got a lot of her own killed . Long - claw , and wasn 't there another ? At least Levi never lost anyone . " I left Chicago for a reason , " Meredith started , " It was just over 10 years ago we were at each other 's throats . We didn 't care if it was Pure , or Uratha , we went for the throat . Chicago has a history , of cutting itself apart , and then crying in the pool of blood . We are both the criminal and the victim . Except that isn 't the story of the Forsaken , or the tribes of the moon . " " When Father Wolf fell , there was chaos , and there was blood . No one , not even his first born , could set this world straight . Then the Uratha answered that call , we became the soldiers in a world with no one to defend it ! " Though her voice raised , she stood stoic . Mike could feel the energy in the room rising . Whatever they felt about Meredith , the other werewolves cared about her words . " And when there is nothing left of them , when they are nothing but a pool of blood at our feet , we will see that it was tears of pain , but the cries of joy . Because we are not victims , and we are not criminals . Brothers and sisters , we are the Uratha ! " The crowd became a party . Beers flew off the wall , cheers started spontaneously , conversations started in every corner of the room . It seemed the speeches were over , this had to be the revels . " Eech - Dubya , " the guy responded . Another guy came behind him . They both looked like they lived a tougher life than Spatz or Meredith ever had , with clothing that belonged to South Chicago rather than the suburbs of Naperville . Tim was in the city , Mike knew that . He knew what the little spirit binder was hunting for . The question was , was he making progress ? He had no way to know , he was vague on text messages , and he never answered calls . Mike didn 't bother adding . Cam always did work as a good backup alpha . Mike wasn 't here because he needed someone 's protection , he was here because he needed to figure this whole situation out . Ever since he became a werewolf , everything was chaos . He couldn 't become some lycan - drifter . What did they call it , a ghost wolf ? With Cam here , at least he had someone to talk to . Mike was trying not to imagine Shannon , running around Garfield park , being hounded by wolves . The image was so vivid in his head , the sound of clamping teeth , the look on her face as a wolf brought her to the ground . He could practically taste it as the blow came down on her neck . |
Today ended up being completely different from what I anticipated . The plan was to take my mother to lunch with her friends in San Rafael again , to celebrate another birthday . To my amazement when I called to make sure she was awake she remembered that we were supposed to go out , but she was not feeling well . . . said she " ached all over " and that she didn 't feel like going anywhere . Of course I worried about her all day , but when I called in the afternoon , she felt just fine and didn 't remember feeling bad in the morning . The woman is a constant enigma . I admit that the thought crossed my mind this morning that she might have claimed illness because she didn 't want to go to lunch , but we 'll never know . With the day stretching out ahead of me , I got a couple of letters written and then sat down ' for just a minute ' to read a bit more of the book I 'm reading , " Leaving Time : A Novel , " by Jodi Picoult . My friend Pat said she had it on her old Kindle and thought I 'd like it , so she was willing to loan me the Kindle ( since she has a newer one anyway ) . I started reading it on our way down to Santa Barbara and could see instantly why she thought I 'd enjoy it . Well , it was the familiar old story . . . Yeah , I know I have stuff to do and I 'll get to it after I read just . one . more . chapter . It was so interesting and gripping that I finally just gave up and decided to read until I finished . Harriet lost her battle with lymphoma yesterday . Always cautious about revealing too much about her personal life , we knew that she had battled cancer , but did not know that she had recently been given " six months , if you 're lucky . " Sadly , she was not lucky . But that was not to be . In short order she was in a nursing home and it was clear that the family was on a death watch . People all over the internet sent messages of love and support to her daughter , who spent Harriet 's last days reading them to her . In fact , she was reading them to her shortly before she died . " I have said since the beginning that you and my mom are so alike that I feel you 're more like her than her sister is , " her daughter wrote to me . Harriet and I never really had much in the way of direct exchanges . Mostly our interactions were comments made on each other 's blogs or comments that we both made on That 's My Answer each day and we did seem to have an awful lot of things in common . Harriet had a hard life . She lived in a house with her daughter and son - in - law . Her husband had been moved to a nursing home awhile ago . I never could figure out what his mental state was and whether he had dementia along with his many physical problems , but it was clear that she was devoted to him and just had reached the point where it was physically impossible for her to care for him any longer . And she wanted desperately to move into her own place , when she could afford it . I gathered things were cramped in the place she always called " the cracker box . " But she is finally at peace . She was not a good friend , but she was a presence nearly every day and I will miss her . I suspect that if we had been neighbors , we might have become good friends . . . . at so many things . If I say the wrong thing , If I 'm put on the spot to express an opinion , if I have to speak in public , if I am at a party where I don 't know anybody . The list is very long . I had lunch at Atria on Wednesday . I realized I was dragging my feet about going there again . Just didn 't want to get back to that world right away , and it was as I suspected . I answered the question " what are you doing for the rest of the day " a hundred times and she told me a hundred time that everything was very quiet there . That is pretty much our visits lately . But lunch is a nice distraction and we ate with a lovely woman , whose name I did not get . She was telling me that there is ( another ) new chef at Atria and the lunch was really good . I still remember the totally inedible " Chef 's platter " I had a few weeks a go . This day it was a shrimp salad on avocado with a louie dressing . And it was good . Very good . It was big enough for a meal , especially when paired with little slices of dark raisin bread . I was looking forward to the shrimp salad and when I was at Logos , I found the book " Bread Machine Magic , Book 2 , " the sequel to my bread making bible , " Bread Machine Magic . " That has been my bread guide for decades . There was a time when all of us in he Women 's Discussion forum on Compuserve got bread makers and we were all experimenting with bread , and we all decided that Bread Machine Magic was the best of the bread recipe books . But today I had nothing to do and it was time to use the shrimp . I was going to get the focaccia into the bread machine to make the dough at 4 p . m . Before that , I whipped up some louie dressing , kind of making my own mixture of mayo , catsup , chili powder , Worcestershire , and a dash of Sriracha to give it a kick ( that 's a phrase I learned from the Food Network ) . At 4 , I got the ingredients into the new bread machine , given me by a Facebook friend who doesn 't use it any more . The timing would be perfect . The dough would come out around 6 and I 'd get it rolled out and rising before the final bake . I 'm never sure if this machine is going to work or not because it takes about 15 minutes before it starts , but it does work and it works well . All of a sudden , I leaped out of the chair . SHIT ! ! ! The dough was beautiful , nicely formed , felt good . . . and I had forgotten to add the yeast . How could I have forgotten the yeast ? But it was awful , in fact . It was heavy and tasteless , despite the garlic . All it was , really , was flour , water and olive oil . Walt took a bite and agreed with me . I 'm not sure if I 'll give it to the dogs with their morning kibble or just throw it out . I suspect I 'll just throw it out . No need to make the dogs suffer too . Before the lighthearted account of my day at Logos , I can 't not mention things I don 't understand . How in God 's name does a young man get on a plane knowing he plans to kill himself and more than 100 people ? Such a terrible , terrible tragedy . And it is beyond belief that the governor of Indiana has now signed legislation which makes discrimination legal in the state . Businesses are now legally permitted to discriminate against gay people . What 's next ? Gay and straight water fountains ? Anybody gay must ride at the back of the bus ? A couple came in who was noteworthy . She definitely should not wear a clinging shirt if she is going to go bra - less . It 's OK if you have perky breasts , but if your breasts tend to reach to you waist , wear something else ! As for him he was wearing those earrings that go in huge holes in your ear . This isn 't him , but this is what I 'm talking about . I had to look it up and found out they are called " gauges . " Reminds me of a Bozo the Clown record I had as a kid and the Ubangi warriors who stretched their lower lips to impossible sizes . As I watched him walk around the store , I was trying to imagine him old enough to live at Atria and wondering what he would look like at " almost hunnert . " A young man was carrying a large piece of abstract artwork in pastel colors that , from a distance , looked like a visualization of an audio recording . His arms were covered in tattoos . I wonder , too , what he will feel like at Atria with the gouge guy ! A couple came in . She was looking for a book on hair braiding , but didn 't find one . Her companion bought three books on playing chess . The next couple was a study in denim , as they were both dressed in denim from head to toe . Her jacket and pants were heavily embroidered with a lovely design and she wore tall leather boots , also with a design cut into them . She had platinum colored hair and dripped silver , from the 3 earrings on each ear to the multiple necklaces , bracelets and rings that she wore . Her partner , whose brown hair was twice as long as hers , was also in heavily embroidered denim , but his was more raggedy than hers . He had many rings with very large stones . The two of them sat at the front table and he read to her for awhile . He finally bought " Le Mot Juste , " a dictionary of foreign words and phrases , and a cowboy dictionary ( didn 't realize there were enough words specific to cowboys to warrant a whole dictionary ! ) The next interesting looking couple ( who did not buy anything ) was a guy wearing a shirt that said " The enemy 's gate is down . " She wore an ankle - length skirt made of some sort of lightweight grey jersey material and a black camisole . She had a tattoo on her back , below her shoulder and aqua flip flops . It was not a big money day , but there was a goodly share of people of interest , and I made a big dent in the book that I 'm reading . This is the third week for this Ruth Rendell mystery and I should finish it before my next day at Logos . I finished my last book , " Trousering Your Weasel " yesterday . One of the funniest books of essays you 'll ever want to read . I so wish I could write like that ! The night starts out with the dog sandwich . I settle myself on the couch like the patty in a hamburger . Lizzie , who lies on the table behind the couch is the top part of the bun . Sheila , after she walks , first west , and then east in front of my prone figure so I can skritch first her backside and then her head and chest , lies down on the floor alongside the couch and is the bottom part of the bun . Polly , who immediately crawls under my blanket and curls herself into a ball on about my waist , is the " pickle . " At some point midway through the night I wake up . I 'm wide awake . I sit up and Polly moves to the spot I vacated and I cover her with the blanket . I sit on the side of the couch and try to determine if I 'm wide awake - awake , or if I 'm just sorta wide awake . If I decide I 'm sorta wide awake and could really fall back asleep , I move my pillow to the opposite end of the couch and lie down there stealing a little corner of the blanket from Polly . However , if I 'm wide awake - awake ( or if I have to visit the bathroom ) , I then move to the recliner in the family room , passing en route through the kitchen so I can see what time it is ( hoping for 4 a . m . , fearing for 2 a . m . ) , where I cover up with a quilt and try to go back to sleep . After awhile I hear the pitter patter of little feet and there is Polly . She 's weird , this little dog . If I 'm asleep ( or feigning sleep ) she leaps right up onto the chair . If she knows I 'm awake , she sits there and whines and whines until I encourage her to jump up and then she makes half a dozen ' practice ' jumps before she actually gets onto the chair , as if she 's not sure she can really make it that high . If I am not asleep , I am aware that within half an hour , Lizzie has come in from the living room and settled herself in the other recliner ( If I am asleep , I don 't notice this until morning ) . Sheila may or may not arrive wanting to go outside . I open the door for her and then she , too , settles in the family room , on the Chihuahua - sized bed there ( I really must buy a bigger dog bed for that spot ! ) . We are , after all , a " pack " and the pack sleeps together . As for me , it 's a toss - up whether I go back to sleep or not . Sometimes I have the TV off but if an hour has passed and I 'm not asleep , I may turn on the Hallmark Channel , with reruns of Golden Girls , Frasier and Cheers . When I Love Lucy comes on , I know it 's 5 a . m . and I change the channel . For some reason I just can 't stand that show . I know it 's the most popular show in television history , but I 'm not into either slapstick or put down humor and Lucy 's voice is so irritating it 's like nails on a chalkboard to my ears . So after 5 a . m . , it 's the local news up until The Today Show . When morning comes , the dogs are incredibly polite . They don 't move until I do . With my iPad at my elbow , I can check e - mail , Facebook , and That 's My Answer all without them realizing I 'm awake . I can ( and have ) gotten away with that for as late as 9 a . m . , if Walt doesn 't come downstairs . The first nun I ever met was Sister Mary St . Patrice , my kindergarten teacher . She was a Sister of Charity of the Blessed Virgin Mary , an order which I believe originated in Ireland , though the sisters I had for grammar school were not Irish . I was four years old and I don 't remember what my first impression of her was , so I guess I wasn 't too traumatized . I recall she was a very nice , gentle lady . I don 't have a clue what the significance of this habit was , but it had that hard tightly pleated / stiffly starched piece that went around the face , with a strap that fit under the chin , and a tight starched collar around the neck and the big stiff box over it all and a veil on top of that . Then there was the black dress that went down to the ankles , a kind of a long bib that went over the top , and the rosaries around the waist . There were tales of nuns bonking kids on the head with the large crucifix , but I don 't think I knew of any such event personally . They were all bald , of course . We didn 't know that for a fact , but we assumed that taking the veil meant shaving your head . It was a shock years later when I saw The Nun 's Story and realized the hair was just clipped very , very short . We weren 't sure if they had ears or not , but since some wore glasses and the earpieces hid behind the headgear , we assumed they probably rested on hidden ears . Different costume , same problem . Only it was worse for the Daughters because it was difficult to know how close you were to a wall or a door or another sister ( these were " sisters , " not " nuns " we were taught , but I have long ago forgotten the difference ) . I suppose if you wore the habit for any length of time you got your own sense of radar for spatial situations , but I wore the habit for a career day one year and I could see neither to the right nor to the left and if I hadn 't had someone to guide me along , I don 't know that I ever would have gotten anywhere . The headpieces were called " cornettes " and they were washed , starched and folded in the laundry at the school I attended . But I don 't think that as a grammar school child I ever gave a thought to how the nuns kept their clothes clean . I think I thought the angels probably did it . In fact , you couldn 't imagine holy women doing anything that us mere mortals did . I know for a fact that they never went to the bathroom . There was no nuns ' bathroom in the school and we certainly never saw them in any of our own bathrooms . ( I didn 't know about such things in grammar school , but I 'm sure that no nun ever had a menstrual period ! ) I 'm sure the BVMs drove a car , but I never saw it . The Daughters had a car , a large station wagon , and they had clips they used to bring both tips of the cornette together and clip them so they could fit inside the car . Lord only knows how they saw anything behind them , especially if there were a gaggle of geese inside the car ! In San Francisco , there was a benefit to wearing habits . Out of gratitude for the work nuns did during the 1906 earthquake and fire , they were given free bus rides forever . All a nun or sister had to do was board pubic transportation and they never paid a dime . In my senior year in high school , my plan had been to enter the convent but I needed to prepare for college . To do that , I needed to take Algebra II , which the school didn 't offer , so dear little Sister Benedicta tutored me every afternoon after regular class ( I was a terrible student . . . . still can 't understand the math concepts she tried so patiently to teach me ) , but my make - shift classroom was right by the door that led into the sisters ' living quarters and I got to glimpse a bit of their non - school lives , not enough to see anything ( still never saw them eat ) , but enough to wonder if I was sinning by seeing what I was seeing . It was quite a change when I was an adult sometime in the 1980s and was in St . Louis for a meeting . My typing teacher and lifelong friend was retired by then and living in a retirement house a few hours away . She drove in to St . Louis to get me and bring me back to the house to spend the night , so we could get caught up . What a revelation ! By now the cornettes were gone and the hems were shorter ( but still below the knee ) and the sisters had more physical freedom in their clothing . They had a swimming pool . ( Nuns swim ? Who knew ? ) But the thing that got me was visiting the convent BREWERY and learning that Sister Anne was the brewmaster . In fact , after dinner that night ( yes , I ate with the sisters and can attest that they do eat ) she came back to the guest house with a couple of bottles of her special beer and we sat there drinking and visiting . It was surreal . She 's gone now and I miss her . She died about 20 years ago . But I still have fond memories of my time at the retirement home and feeling like a little kid getting a peek at all that forbidden stuff that I knew was sinful when I was in school . Tom has always used cooking as a teaching tool and Brianna knows so much about cooking already . She can tell you about mis en place and mirepoix , she can cook pancakes on the griddle by herself . I 've seen her do such complicated cooking procedures and love watching Tom ( and Laurel ) teaching both of the girls how to do it all safely , and why they choose the healthy foods they do . Lacie is such an organized , regimented 3 year old . After breakfast she wanted us to read books to her ( she has always been a voracious reader ) . But she laid out a series of books all over the floor and then picked them one by one to say who she wanted to read which book . The biggest figure is Jeri 's dog Lester ( you can tell it 's a dog by the ears on top of her head ) . The figure in red is Jeri , wearing a dress . The figure in black is Phil , who has brown eyes , though you can hardly see them . Also , Lacie spelled out " Lester " on the top right corner , though it takes some imagination and concentration to make it all out ! After baths . Lacie had to tell me a " little scary story . " She was very intent , very dramatic and knew exactly what her story was about and where it was going , but I couldn 't hear a word she said because she said it in a voice softer than a whisper . I told Laurel I hoped there wouldn 't be a test ! So our weekend is coming to an end . Jeri flies off to Boston tomorrow ( Alice Nan is driving her to the Los Angeles airport ) , Tom and Laurel go to work , Brianna and Lacie go to school . With nobody to play with , there is nothing left for us to do but drive home . I had to laugh at the other team , though . Their girls wore pink batting helmets , used pink bats and many had pink shoes . The smallest on their team makes diminutive Bri look big and she was so small that whenever she swung the bat , it pulled her around in a circle with it ! Such fun ! Everyone had to perform , and some of the " acts " were hilarious ( especially Auntie Nan as a cheerleader ) . Then it was time to make pizza and pasta . Bri is getting to be an old hand at making pasta . I don 't know how those girls kept going through the busy day they had . The adults were exhausted . Bri finally hit the wall around 9 and we took our cue and came home to collapse ourselves . Today was a crazy day . The plan was to leave for Santa Barbara sometime between 10 and 11 . But there was so much to be done first . With first my computer problems and then Walt 's computer problems ( he 's now dealing with the guru ) , and Jeri arriving , and so many shows to review and a feature article to write . . . things just kind of got away from us . . . me , more than Walt , who has been doing the yeoman 's share of getting the house cleaned up for Ashley and David to move in . Jeri planned to go to Atria at 8 and have breakfast with my mother and then we would pick her up on the way out of town . But I was dubious about the " 8 " part . She says she 's always up at 7 , but I don 't believe it . And , in fact , Jeri decided to make it 9 , called her at 8 : 30 to let her know she was coming and woke her up . We took our annual " Grandma and Jeri " photo and Jeri had to take a Baldy and Grandma picture . Unfortunately , the Atria wifi was being temperamental and I got this journal uploaded but it stalled when I tried to upload Airy Persiflage . I completely forgot that I needed to e - mail the article I finished writing at 1 a . m . to the Enterprise . I went off to the store and bought goodies for Ashley and then came home to call Omsoft Technical help . I ended up practically in tears and pulling the " old age " card by wailing " Look . I 'm 72 years old and I just can 't follow what you 're saying , " as he tossed question after question to me that I couldn 't answer . Ultimately , he agreed to send someone out to fix the router , if Ashley will let him know when it 's convenient for her . In the meantime , Walt managed to connect the modem to the computer so at least my desktop has internet access and I could upload Airy Persiflage and send my article to the newspaper . There was still the house to be cleaned . Walt was working like a champ , gathering mountains of dog hair and dustbunnies , changing the linens on the guest bed and anything else that needed to be done . I found the kitchen table under all the stuff piled on it , folded some laundry and did a little cleaning in the guest bathroom . I also packed my suitcase and got ready to leave . We finally got on the road at 1 p . m . and picked Jeri up at Atria . The plan was to drive down I - 5 and then cut over to 101 using Hwy 37 ( the highway on which James Dean was killed - - there is a small memorial to him there ) , which , in previous years , has presented a glorious display of wildflowers in wet years . Someone had posted a photo on Facebook of an unbelievable field of poppies which looked like it was in the area I was thinking of . Jeri had mentioned wanting to try 5 Guys for burgers for lunch and there are several locations along 101 , but only two along I - 5 . We tried our GPS to find the first one and though it got the address right , it led us to a cul de sac of private homes instead of a fast food joint . We gave up and headed for the next one , which ended up being about 15 - 20 miles out of our way . Jeri decided that since it was now about 3 p . m . and we still had about 6 hours of driving ahead of us , 5 Guys was not a priority . We found a Carl 's Junior , and as we pulled into the parking lot , I was checking my " boycott " list of businesses run by the Koch Brothers . Carl 's Junior was one of them , but at that point I decided I just didn 't care . I would give them my business . But just this once . ( It was heartening , though , to see that of all the fast food joints in this particular area , this was the one with almost no customers ) Just 90 miles until we turned off onto Hwy 37 . I got my camera ready . It is an hour from I - 5 to 101 and the wildflower place is about halfway , so I waited patiently . And waited . And waited . There were no wildflowers . Well , that 's not true . Jeri saw ONE poppy , but the colorful fields I had hoped to see were nothing but brown grass . Such a disappointment . Well , lord knows when this will be posted . My server did an upgrade that is going to make things faster and cheaper . There 's only one thing wrong : I now have no internet connection at all . They planned it really well . They sent out a notice when it was to be done and that it would be finished by the end of March 19 . They sent a telephone number to call if I had problems . When I got home from Logos at 6 p . m . , it didn 't work ( we had been without internet all day ) . I called and was told that it was guaranteed to be fixed by 8 p . m . I asked if I would be able to call them if there were problems after 8 and was told that no , they were closing their office at 8 . When I got there , my friend Peg was there waiting for me . She was the one who used to live at Atria and then moved to a new place on the other side of town . We had a really good visit about all sorts of things . . . and she got to feel my fuzzy head . While we were talking a woman from Montana joined us . She was also " of an age " and could identify with the themes we were discussing . She ended up buying two books of plays and one of short stories . A woman bought a book of Emily Dickenson poems and a student bought a bargain book . A few folks were in the store when Bruce came in . All in white , as usual , but dingy this time , as if they needed cleaning . He had a low slung white sweatshirt around his hips and had made a new hat for himself . He didn 't say hello this time though and he didn 't buy anything . Customers came and went . A guy brought in some books to donate , carrying them in an Olaf ( from Frozen ) bag , but had to unload them because he didn 't want to give up his bag . A guy who looked like any of the thugs that Wallace Beery played in the 40s came in . You 'd expect him to buy a book on monster trucks or guns or something , but he bought " The Alchemist " and " The Bridges of Madison County . " Don 't judge a book . . . or a person . . . by its cover ! The guy who runs one of the newer theaters in town came in and asked if he could post a notice about auditioning for their next show . He didn 't recognize bald me but I told him who I was and we had a rather long conversation about his problems with the facility they had been using , his frustration trying to find another place to perform ( and , more important , to rehearse ) and the history of theater in Davis . He is such an intense , dedicated guy and looks so terribly defeated by the brick walls he has continued to run into . I hope he sticks with it because his theater fills a theatrical niche not otherwise filled in Davis and I would love to see it grow . An old guy wearing shorts , sandals with white socks , with " white monk 's hair " ( imagine a monk 's haircut in white and wispy and you get the picture ) . He had a camera slung around his neck , so I assumed he was not a local . He asked if I was the owner and I explained I was a volunteer , which shocked him . I told him about the policy of the store , donating to charity and that all of us who worked there were volunteers . He said that he " loved to meander around book stores " and asked where our books come from . Then he meandered and as he passed by my desk , I could tell he smelled of baby powder . Ultimately he left without buying anything , but said he would return . My friend showed up at 5 . He told me he was kind of rushed , but that he had come to see my new hairdo . He found a book by the publishing company he collects ( Tuttle Books ) and when I asked him how he happened to start collecting those books , he pulled up a chair and sat down and we had a nice visit about books , collections , and other stuff . We 've never really had a visit before . After he left , I noticed that the radio station which plays in the background was playing one of my favorite classical pieces , based on " La Chi Darem la Mano , " ( I think that 's right , but won 't know until I get . . . you know . . . internet access ! ! ) Jeri is having breakfast with my mother in the morning before we take off for Santa Barbara . I just remembered that Atria has wifi . Maybe I 'll go there and post this then . . . . I don 't know why they need the socks . Perhaps it is very cold where they live . And I also don 't know why they only take one sock , but maybe because they don 't want to be greedy . Or maybe they are just mischievous enough that they want to cause consternation . It was a lovely day , yesterday . Jeri got up in the morning and looked out the back door and said " you mean I can just open the door and walk outside . " She didn 't need parka or gloves or hat or boots . Just walked outside and enjoyed the sun , that strange phenomenon in the sky which has not visited Boston in awhile . She spent the morning with my mother , so I had the " day off . " I know my mother was disappointed that I didn 't join them , but I had a lunch date with my friend Kathy , our monthly visit . We tried a new Davis restaurant this time and I ordered a Thai chicken salad , which was ok as a salad , but there was nothing Thai about it . No cilantro , no Thai seasonings , no peanuts on top ( which was promised in the menu ) . I was disappointed . At night , we went to San Francisco to join Charlotte for dinner and the SF symphony . It was a program of Handel ( Water Music ) and Haydn ( Trumpet Concerto in E - flat Major and Symphony No . 98 in B - flat major ) . We told Char about the " Rebel Band " they formed out of frustration with their band teacher . They would march at local events , dressed in camouflage uniforms . Walt remembered that Mark 's brother played the xylophone which they somehow rigged on a wheeled platform that someone could push for him . Kind of like Woody Allen playing the cello in Take the Money and Run . Mark was a talented kid from the get go . I remember when Wynton Marsalis came to town and Mark had the opportunity to play with him . He went off to college to study engineering before admitting that his real love was music , so he attended Julliard and graduated from there . What I remember most about Mark was the " party " he and his brothers held for their dying mother . She was in the last days of her cancer , her husband having died of a heart attack a couple of years before . The kids rented the city 's mobile stage and set it up in their back yard and invited all of their mother 's friends to come for food and music - - all three of the boys played instruments and they played all afternoon . We all got a chance to say goodbye to their mother and I told her how proud she should be of her sons . Maybe THE most expensive book I own is the one I typed - - " Fundamentals of Statistical and Thermal Physics , " a textbook by Frederick Reif . I don 't remember how much it cost when it was published in about 1965 , but it is still being sold today for $ 107 . You can get it second hand for $ 76 . Of course my copy is autographed , so it is probably worth more . I looked up reader comments on the book on Amazon today and was pleased to read this comment : " For a book that never saw a second edition , it is remarkably free of typos and errata . " Yay me ! The love - hate relationship is with two authors : James Patterson and Patricia Cornwell . Patterson because he was one of my favorite authors before he started becoming an " industry , " co - authoring with others and cranking out two or three books a year . I strongly suspect that his " co - author - ship " consists of putting his name on the cover . Some of them ( Like " Zoo , " the worst of the lot ! ) are godawful , but some still retain the magic that they had when I first discovered him . Detective Alex Cross deserves better treatment than he has been getting lately As to Patricia Cornwell things happened when she wrote " Blow Fly , " which was the first dreadful book of hers . I keep hoping to find what I found in her first several books , and occasionally there is a spark of the old Cornwell , but usually I am disappointed . Again . Kay Scarpetta seems to fare all right , but what Cornwell has allowed to happen to Merino and to her niece Lucy is unforgivable . As for gluttony , it would have to be the " Outlander " series by Diana Gabaldon , of course . I 've read the books more than once and listen to the audio books frequently . It 's my go - to thing to listen to in the car if I 'm not currently listening to a new book , and at the book store , if I only have an hour to read , I 'll pick up one the books and just read at random . I like my female characters to have spunk and pride and to be able to survive on their own , if necessary . I like the men to be gentle and polite and have a good sense of humor . . . and totally devoted to the women to whom they are attracted . And definitely not into S & M or sucking anybody 's blood ( " 50 Shades " or " The Twilight Series " ) Deb , my therapist , and I parted company today . It was bittersweet . I 've really enjoyed her a lot , and she enjoyed me , so there were hugs and she asked me to keep in touch and to come back if I felt I needed to talk again . I was so lucky in getting her as a therapist . I remember when I had my first appointment back in December . I had made an appointment with a woman I had picked at random . She was young and thin and blonde . When this short , chunky , middle - aged brunette came out into the waiting room to get me , I was confused , but I figured one therapist I didn 't know was as good as another that I didn 't know . Just getting it all talked out was a tremendous relief . I don 't really have a sounding board in my life , except for Char , who is too far away to chat with most of the time . And getting the opportunity to say everything I needed to say to someone non - judgmental was a tremendous help . She also started me on an antidepressant and suggested I might just stick with it indefinitely . It has made a 1000 % improvement in my mood overall . I 'm taking the lowest dose and I noticed within a week that I wasn 't so morose any more , nor have I been since then . I also started taking my other medications , which I had not been taking , regularly again . The other problem I had with meds before is that I was reluctant to take them because of the low grade nausea that I seemed to have all the time . But for some reason , there has been no nausea at all this time , so I don 't even think about skipping my meds . And as a result , my blood sugars have come down significantly . She said today that she noticed a huge change in my attitude . Where I had been very down and internal , now I seem to be up and external and that was a good sign . In truth , we might have ended our session at the last appointment , but I decided I wanted to see her one more time to show off my new bald head . She wants the St . Baldrick web site URL so she can donate , which touched me tremendously . After I left Deb , I drove to Atria to drop off my mother 's laundry , which I had picked up and washed the day before . I didn 't know what reaction I was going to get when she opened the door , but she opened the door and said " Oh . You got a haircut . It 's very short . " Someone visited her this week and brought one of those metallic coffee mugs , which I found on the floor next to the chair where I always sit . I asked who had come to see her and , of course , she didn 't remember anybody and said she assumed the cup was mine . When I said that it was not , she thought maybe Jeri had left it , though Jeri won 't be here until tomorrow night . ( You can 't see the upper ones , some of which are missing ) . I was wondering what it must have been like to see his face on the theater screen . Might have given little kids nightmares . Gilbert Russak , actor , director , musical director , conductor , was one of the most intelligent men I knew . . . and he loved animation . It was his passion . On the days I worked in San Francisco , we would frequently go out to dinner , stopping first at his apartment , where we would spend an hour or so watching cartoons . He had lots of books about animation and knew the most interesting trivia . He lived by a book called " Of Mice and Magic : A History of American Animated Cartoons " ( by Leonard Maltin ) , which he referred to almost every day to share some new bit of trivia that he thought about . I loved those discussions I used to have with Gilbert . I don 't watch cartoons much at all any more , but I remember fondly my years sitting with Gilbert and learning about animation . We attended an animation festival held in San Francisco a couple of years and I remember the first computer animation that we saw . It was a simple , brief cartoon that had some sort of a ball moving through the screen . He was fascinated , but we agreed it would take too much money to ever be feasible . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am ! |
( In his own words ) … " The earliest recollection I have of anything in my life , is of crawling over my Mothers feet as she lay on the bed . I don 't remember anything else until I was about four years old , when I found myself living with Uncle Reed and Aunt Sarah Harding . There was a little girl about my age next door . I used to play with her whenever I got the chance . I was told to stay away from her place , but I 'd sneak over once in awhile . During this time I was given a small hammer as a present . It was magnetized and would pull the nails out while I was trying to drive them in . I remember one day I tried to nail myself inside a box . Uncle Reed and Aunt Sarah were a newly married couple and their first child , their daughter Olive , was born while I lived with them . One day they left me alone with Olive and I fed her some salted peanuts that I had . I sure got in the doghouse for that , but the peanuts didn 't seem to hurt her . Uncle Reed lived in a small two or three room house between where Uncle Earl lived on the south and where the family of the little girl lived , ( that I mentioned ) , on the north . It was a brick house and Uncle Earl bought it later , and my Father Uncle Earls old home , so we could move to town in the fall , and then us kids would be near the school . This house had been a harness shop , with living quarters in the back . My Dad came from Provo , Utah , which was a good place to come from , and he worked for a while on a canal , herded sheep for Ray Knight for a while , bought a small farm north of Raymond , courted my Mother and married her . She was the oldest child of William Moroni Palmer and Christina Helen Larsen Palmer . My Mothers name was Helen Christina Palmer . My Fathers name was John James Harding , and his Mothers name was Jane Evans Harding . About this time my Father got the homesteader fever , and as homesteads were up for grabs in the Taber district , he came over here and got himself a homestead . Sometime during this period , on November 10 , 1907 , I was born . My Mother wasn 't very happy about leaving her family and friends and coming over to this den of iniquity , and away out in the lonely prairie . The General Authorities of the Church , at that time , were not favorable toward immigration to Taber , and there was a house of prostitution down by the river . About a month or so before my youngest sister , Helen , was born , a man in Taber shot the place up and killed a person , ( I don 't remember whether it was a man or a woman . ) Anyway , about this time , Dad took my mother to the farm with me in her arms . Dad had a two roomed house built , it had a steep roof called a one - half pitch . There was enough room in the attic for a bed , and I used to sleep there sometimes with the hired man . He pulled the cover off me in the night and it was there that I learned to protect myself . I learned to get the bed covers in my hand and tuck them under my shoulder , and always turn so as to pull the covers around me . The first time I slept with the hired man , he pulled the covers off me in the night , I nearly froze and I was afraid to wake him up . That was the last time anyone ever pulled the covers off me . My memory only goes back to when I was living with Uncle Reed and Aunt Sarah . However , I remember stories that were told about me after my Mother died . I guess I was inconsolable . Uncle Leslie Palmer said I cried steady for two weeks . A three - year - old child couldn 't remember why his Mother went away and left him . I expect that experience left an indelible mark on my psychic , making it difficult for me to give whole - heartedly to people . I always held something in reserve subconsciously . I don 't intend to get hurt like that again . Uncle Leslie told me of a time he took me for a ride on a horse . When the horse began to trot , I said , " Uncle Les , jump off and catch me , I am going to fall . " My Dad told me of a time when I did fall . He was on a horse and he reached down his hand to lift me up with him . Well the horse shied away from the strange object coming up toward him and I was beginning to swing away in a circle so Dad let me go and I went rolling on the ground . My sister Helen , who was born when my Mother died , was raised by my Grandmother and Grandfather Palmer . Iola stayed with a neighbor and Dad tried to keep me with him but it didn 't work . I don 't remember anything until I started living at Uncle Reeds place . They were pretty good to me considering I was the first little kid they had ever tried to raise , and I wasn 't their own , and I probably had been badly spoiled . I remember them giving me a bath in a little tub and when I was finished , Uncle Reed poured some warm water over my head . He said it was only warm , but to me it was scalding hot and I let out a screech . That 's the only bath I can remember at Uncle Reeds . I remember Dad putting me on a gentle mare named Pet . She was very gentle and one of the smartest horses you could find . Dad put me on this horse and let me go bare back or course , so I let her walk around the farm and finally came to a pond of water in a small coulee that bisected the farm . The horse was thirsty and headed for the water . The bank was quite steep and as she went down she began to trot . When she came to the water she stopped and put her head down to drink , and I slid right off over her head into the water . I couldn 't climb back on so I had to walk home leading the horse . I said that she was smart . She learned that she could unlatch the granary door by manipulating it with her lips . We hauled water in a couple of barrels on a stone boat , ( Some planks nailed together on some runners , like a sleigh . ) It was a two mile round trip , and that was the only household water we had , so we didn 't want to water any horses with it . We covered it by turning a tub upside down on it . This horse learned that she could maneuver the tub off the barrel and get herself a drink . We had to put a heavy rock on top of the tub so she couldn 't get it off . She liked to tease . For instance one day I got off for some reason and I just left the reigns on the ground and didn 't tie her up . When I went to get her she would run away dragging the reigns on one side so as not to step on them . She would only go a few steps and stop and eat grass until I was almost close enough to grab the reigns , and then she would run a few more steps . She made me walk all the way home , which was about a mile . However , if she stumbled and threw you off she would wait for you to get back on . In those early days when I was five or six years old , the area three or four miles south was mostly open prairie and all around the sloughs the grass was eight to ten inches high . Dad would take his mowing machine and rake and he would cut grass for hay and I would ride home on a fragrant load of prairie hay . I can still remember 65 years later how pleasant it was lying on my back looking up at the blue sky with just a few fluffy clouds sitting around no wind and the gentle swaying of the load . It was one of my most pleasant memories on that hayrack . Later on in my life I had some most unpleasant memories on that same hayrack . Some years later when it was very dry and the grain crops were short , the Russian Thistles grew up almost as high as the grain ; we would cut the crop with the mowing machine and put it up like hay . The thistle would get dry and brittle and get in my shoes and stick in my feet and as it was my job because I was so young that I couldn 't pitch the stuff up myself to stack the hay on the rack . I used to wrap my feet and lower legs in sacks to keep the thistle out of my shoes . It was always a mystery to me how the cattle could eat that stuff in the wintertime but they did , of course there was some wheat in it too . In the fall of 1913 at the beginning of the school year , my Father took me to the Montpelier School and had me enrolled . The school was two miles east of where we lived and one - half mile north . We walked . I guess Dad wanted to make sure I knew the way home since I was going to walk home by myself . I walked to school three times ; the last time there was someone there who told me to go home because the teacher had quit . That ended my schooling for that year . Next year there was a tremendous run - off where the snow melted and it filled Rocky Lake , ( now called Horse Fly Lake , ) which lay between our farm and the school . It was full of water so my Father got permission from the Wadena school District for Iola and I to go to school there . We lived just across the road from the Wadena school District and the distance to the school house was exactly the same as the Montpelier except we went two miles west and one half mile south . The people in the Wadena District were very friendly and cooperative and my years of schooling there were very pleasant indeed . I can remember a number of games we used to play during recess and noontime . We played baseball , anti - i - over and a number of other games . One time I brought some carbide and a jam can , put a little carbide in the can and us boys got together and punched a hole in the bottom of the jam can . We put a little water in the can with the carbide and put the lid on tight , then placed a lighted match to the hole in the bottom of the can and there would be a loud explosion blowing the lid of the can . The teacher found out about it and I was reprimanded . I think it should be mentioned that in December 1906 , Bills Father John James Harding , and Helen Christina Palmer , his Mother , with her Father William Moroni Palmer as chaperone left for Salt Lake City to be married . And as the temple was closed for the holidays , Christmas season , Grandpa Palmer advised the couple to be married , then to go to the temple later . He performed the ceremony on the 24 of December 1906 and they were sealed in the temple on January 17 , 1907 . ( I took this information from Bills Fathers history , written by his daughters , Phyllis and Vera . I will continue taking a few dates and incidents from their history , but mostly it will be written the way Bill told me . ) Iola was born on October 13 , 1909 . In those days it was really hard to get the doctor in time . The hardships were mentioned by Vera and Phyllis , that they suffered when Helen started labor on a foggy morning , Dad couldn 't find the horses to go after the doctor , his neighbor Hans Hanson offered to go so that Dad could stay with his wife . The baby was born before the doctor arrived as Dad did not know how to cut the cord and tie it , baby Iola was turning blue before the help arrived . The doctor soon had her revived and in good health . Helen wasn 't well during her third pregnancy . In the middle of her sixth month her condition was critical and her parents came over from Raymond to be with her . On the 13 of May she died in childbirth , 1911 . The baby Helen weighed only two and one half pounds . As no one expected her to live , Grandpa Palmer named and blessed her that same day . Grandma Palmer took her back to Raymond and raised her as her own . Bill , at this time was three and one half years old . It was about this time that Bill stayed with Uncle Reed and Aunt Sarah . There was a time that Bills father did take Bill home with him , but it was very difficult to carry on his farm work . He took Bill out in his arms as he drove the plow , Bill fell asleep so his father stopped and laid him on the ground , while he went on with the plowing , Bill woke up later and was terrified alone out there on the prairie . In the spring of 1912 , Mary Aspinall , ( A convert to the church , who had arrived from England a short while before , ) through the urging of the Wilde family of Welling with whom she was staying , took the job of housekeeper for Dad and his two children , she was then 30 years old . Soon the whole family learned to love her and decided they couldn 't live without her as one of the family . In December 1912 , Bills father and stepmother went to Salt Lake City to be married , taking the children along . Bills father sold four cows to get the money for the trip . They stayed with Bills Grandparents over the holidays then they were married in the temple on January 10 , 1913 . After staying in Salt Lake City with relatives and friends they went to Provo to pick up the children , then returned to their homestead in Canada . I know that Bill learned to love his new mother and had great respect for her all his life . She loved Bill too , that was evidenced many times , and so right here I will say that she was a grand Mother to me also . I needed her love and concern and she always gave whatever I needed . Our children also were very fortunate in having a most wonderful Grandmother and Grandfather and the one and only because they never knew my Parents . Our children will always have pleasant memories of them . Bill said that sometimes they hauled water on a stone boat from a well around the Sekura place . Many other neighbors used this well also . The first well that Bills dad dug was by the sheds , south , it wasn 't good . Only the livestock could drink it . The second well was dug a little west of the shed , it wasn 't good either , it was bitter alkali and only the livestock would drink it . ( Phyllis and Vera said that Dad had planted a nice windbreak of trees after Norman was born 31 October 1913 and Vera born 12 September 1915 , had arrived . Mother persuaded Dad to move the house south to a new location behind the shelter of the trees . Father got a friend , Tom Shaw to help him build an addition to the house after it was moved . Dad had dug a good well , cemented the sides then built a cement cellar with the well in the southwest corner of this basement room . A back kitchen was on , over the cellar , which gave access to the cellar on the north . Above this room was an up stairs bedroom . Three bedrooms were added to the east side of the house and a closed in porch in the north east corner . Dad also built a nice big barn , but he didn 't have it long before it was destroyed by fire . ) Another daughter was born , Mary , 25 January 1919 . Little Mary died of pneumonia on the 10 of April 1919 . Phyllis , the youngest was born 29 April 1920 . The fire that burned the barn started in a granary where they had a chicken brooder and a lot of little chickens . They had two horses tied up in the barn and they were burned and some of the cattle . However some of the cattle escaped but the hair was all burned off their backs . How Bills folks discovered what had happened . They saw these cows walk by their bedroom window in the early morning . They must have had a very sick feeling knowing that so many of their animals were burned and the loss of them must have been a terrible blow . They had to bury the dead animals in the first well they dug . When the summer time came and the sun got so hot , it was really hard for the poor cows since they had no hair on their backs to protect them . To protect them from the hot sun they put gunnysacks on their backs . The hair did grow back later on . Bill had many experiences on horses when he used to get on Old Pet . She would put her head down and as she was eating grass he would put his leg over her neck and as she raised her head quickly Bill would often find himself on the horse backward . He would then have to maneuver himself around to the right position . Once when she threw her head back so quickly Bill was thrown on over onto the ground . The horse Pet was good at heading off the cattle . She would whirl quickly to head them off and bite them . One time Bill was going after the cows on Old Pet , he could see there was soon going to be a big thunder storm so he was trying to hurry . Old Pet saw some horses over by the fence and Bill didn 't see them , so when Pet turned toward the horses they parted company , he hit the earth , it was an upside down world for him for a while . Bill said he and Iola used to walk through from their place to the Wadena School . In those days there weren 't so many fences so they cut quite a distance off by going through the fields instead of going all the way around the road . Later on the last piece of land was fenced off , this is the place that belongs to Williams mow , and Bill and Iola were not allowed to go through there so they had to go the long way around the road . Sometimes when it was very cold Bills father took them and sometimes they rode a horse . They used to get pretty cold with frozen toes . At the end of the year of grade one in Wadena , Bill was promoted to grade three . After this first year of hardships going to school in Wadena , Uncle Earl turned over his harness shop to Bills father in payment of a debt he owed him as he had already purchased another harness shop up town . This old harness shop was located north of the town of Taber with a kitchen and bedroom built on the back . They fixed this place up and Bills father had Tom Shaw build a lovely big barn by this house . This was an ideal situation because when the work was done in the fall they could move in town , livestock and all . Then in the spring they moved out to the farm again . This made it possible for the children to go to school in town in the cold winter months and then when they were on the farm they attended the Wadena School both in the spring and fall . The kids had a lot of fun in town . Bill had lots of neighborhood playmates , the Birch boys , and his cousins . Skating used to be a lot of fun . There was a flowing well by the United Church where the water used to run west of town . It was called the Douglas Lake , so this made an ideal skating rink . They would carry their skates over to the lake , by this time they had very cold feet and their skates were ice cold . Sometimes they built bonfires to get warm . There was also a lake northwest of the sugar factory , just about where the industrial area is now . This lake was used for swimming in the summer time . There was a ramp and a springboard for diving . In the wintertime this lake was also used for skating . Bill said they also had a good pond out to the farm for skating and swimming . Bills Dad had a bob sleigh and he often took kids riding in it . At school in Taber , Bill said one of the boys seemed to have it in for him as he used to bug Bill by standing off to one side and throwing snowballs at him . One day as Bill was wrestling with another boy , the boy that was always bugging him commenced to throw snowballs at him again , but he hit the wrong guy , he hit the boy that Bill was wrestling with . Another day Bill was playing marbles with a friend and this bothersome fellow was watching . He said , ( When he saw there was only one marble left in the ring . ) " I 'll bet you can 't hit it . " So Bill aimed and knocked it right out of the ring . Sometimes some of the older children had to stay out of school two or three weeks in the early spring and fall to help with the farm work . When Bill finished grade seven , that was as high as the school went in Wadena , and began grade eight Bill had to ride a horse to Taber in the spring and the fall when he wasn 't helping on the farm . In the fall Bill ran the binder because his Dad suffered a great deal with hay fever and the dust was too much for him . His Dad could do the stooking . ( This is taking the bundles of cut grain and leaning several of them together so they are standing so the heads of wheat are on the top where they dry out ready for threshing . ) Bill also helped with the stooking and probably the other members of the family were helping also . Bill had a chance to run most of the farm machinery at an early age . In the early morning he had to hitch up the horses , however many he used that day , from two or four or six sometimes . He said that 20 miles of work was a good day of work for a horse , 10 rounds in the morning . Then horses must be unhitched , watered and fed at noon and he would eat his dinner while they rested and fed . Then he would hitch them back up again and go 10 more rounds . At night he would go through the same ritual again . Besides that there were other nightly and morning chores to attend . Later when Bill was older he worked on the threshing crews , whereever they worked , they ate their meals and slept in bunkhouses at the farmers place where they were doing the threshing . When Bills mother died , Iola was very young and so a good neighbor , Art Wilde and his wife took Iola until the time that Bills father got Mary Aspinall to be his housekeeper . Art Wilde lived about two and one half miles from the Harding 's . He lived on the Wadena road by Revak 's on Gordon Bells place . Bills Father and family used to visit them . The friendship probably started when they were keeping Iola . Bill had a good friend who lived on the Wadena road also , Earl Beverly . ( He lived where Addy 's now live . ) One day Bill rode a horse over to Earl 's place . He took his air gun and the B . B . 's rattled in the gun , it frightened the horse and it shied and Bill fell off . There was a family that lived south of the Harding Homestead , about one mile away . Bill got acquainted with their two boys and was very friendly with them . They used to visit often . When Bill was in grade 8 , he had to ride a horse to school until the time his family would move into town for the winter . The horse he rode was called Snap . He said Snap was really scared of cars , and in those days there were beginning to be a few cars , especially up town . Sometimes after school Bill would ride up town and stop off at The Harding Harness Shop . He would put the reins on the ground and leave Snap out there . He said she would never move . Cars would go by and she would stand there trembling but would never move . About this time Bill wasn 't able to help much on the farm so his Father hired a fellow named Leo Whitelock for $ 12 . 50 per month . This was a help so that Bill could get his schooling . Leo had just recently come from England with some of the members of his family . Dolly Haynes was one of the members of his family . I guess Leo was glad to have a place to stay . He and Bill became life long friends . Leo stayed all that year until it was time for the family to move to town and then he went to the States for about two years . Then he came back and stayed with the Harding 's one winter . Bill said that sometimes he and Leo would pack up and go out to the farm and batch it awhile . They had a lot of fun . Bill never went past grade 10 in high school . He was needed on the farm so badly in the spring and fall . About this time there was an agriculture school starting in Raymond . The Principal of that school came to Taber to get recruits and Bill was very interested . The semester would start around the first part of October ( after fall work was done ) , and let out the end of March ( in time for early spring work ) . A very small fee for tuition and Bill could stay with his Grandparents giving them a small amount for his board . Many of his friends from Taber attended this school also . Edwin Palmer , a cousin , and Ray Stevens , became his real pals as well as Clifford and Bill Bennett , Harold and Edna Evanson and Evan Hall . At this school the boys and girls were separated , they didn 't take any of their classes together . However , I am sure that they found ways of getting together . There were lots of school and church dances - this is where Bill learned to dance . He said he didn 't care to go to the parties and there must have been some that were wishing he would come . One night Bill 's sister Helen wanted Bill to go to a party with her but Bill didn 't want to go . He wasn 't feeling very good and if he could fake a faint then he could get out of the party . As he let himself go he really did pass out and Grandma rushed to help him . When Helen came home she was mad at Bill for not coming to the party until Grandma told her how sick Bill was . Helen rushed right back to the party to tell everyone what happened . Bill said when he stayed with Grandpa and Grandma Palmer that his Grandfather wasn 't very well . Uncle Arlo was still at home at first but soon he married Aunt Zina and for a time they lived in the front part of the Palmer home . When they left Bill took over most of the chores . Aunt Ada lived right across the street and he said he used to often go over as there was always so much fun . Helen and Marie were the ones around his age , Edwin Palmer stayed with them also . Aunt Ada was quite a person for fun , but she was nearly always to work . At Christmas time Bill went home for the holiday , he traveled on the train , leaving Raymond at 10 a . m . and waiting in Lethbridge 4 or 5 hours . So by the time they arrived in Taber the day was gone . While waiting in Lethbridge they often went to the Y . M . C . A . and took a swim . At the end of the two years Bill attended this school ; he graduated and got his certificate . Once he wrote an essay on " Sugar Beets " , and won an award of $ 25 . 00 . This award was given by the Raymond Sugar Factory . In June 1927 Bill started going out to Chin Coulee on the sheep shearing runs . This was a good way to make money . He said Albert Green a big sheep man took the crew out to the ranch , and the crew sheared his sheep first , sleeping in a bunkhouse and getting their meals at the house . Starting at 7 : 00 a . m . someone would bring a light lunch and drink out to them in the midmorning and mid - afternoon , stopping at noon for dinner , then quitting at 6 : 00 p . m . It was a long back breaking day of work and some of the men were rough characters , Bill often remembered that as they finished the job and came home that the men had to visit every beer parlor as they traveled along , so it was a long hilarious way home . When they finished at Albert Greens place , the next farmer would come and get them as they worked for several different farmers . Bill could average sheering 80 head of sheep a day ; sometimes if he worked real hard he could do over 100 per day . He got 12 . 5 cents per head and he stayed at this job for 10 years . He worked several years after we were married . The Harding family got their first car in 1929 ; it was a second Model T Ford . Up until this time they had used a surrey , buggy or wagon . Bill was happy that his father turned the driving over to him . When Bill was quite young and they lived on the farm , his Mother was going to have a baby , so his Dad sent him in to town to get the doctor and Aunt Sarah . Dr . Hammon would come out in his own car . Bill said he hitched up a white horse they had named " Googy " , along with another horse . He said Googy was big and fat and very slow . She just would not keep up with the other horse ; they would have to be clipping her constantly to keep her going . Scouting days for Bill were very interesting , his first Scout Master was Archie Bennett , but he soon left . Roy Easthope was scoutmaster for a while , but I guess Vernon Biglowe was the scoutmaster they all remembered . At one time Vernon took the scouts on a camping trip across the river . The location was about in the area of Uncle Ted Francis ranch . There were two wagons to take the scouts and all their equipment . They stayed in this place for about a week and on the Saturday they were out of food so they began packing up to go home . Bennett 's couldn 't find their horses so some of them took the other team to go look for them ; however they could not find them so they had to hitch the team onto both wagons . Some of the boys didn 't want to ride all that long way around when they could take a short cut and get there quicker by walking . It was agreed that they would all meet at the schoolhouse . About this time a terrible storm came up as the boys walked along on the prairie . The hailstones came down with the force of the strong wind . These boys were pelted with the hail with no protection at all and the visibility was black and dark , the boys , wisely , held hands so they would not get lost and I guess they prayed mightily for their lives . The men and boys that were in the wagons used the bedding for their protection . When the storm finally cleared and those in the wagons found the boys they were a bunch of scared , miserable boys . They soon came to a house so they knocked on the door but no one answered so they went in and stayed all night . The windows were all knocked out on the north and west side . The boys were probably very grateful to get home again . The Scouts , in those days went on many hikes and camping trips . The C . Y . Ranch was a favorite . One summer Bill wanted to get away for a while so he packed a suitcase and bought a round ticket on the train for Calgary . He was going to attend the Calgary Stampede . When he got to Calgary he didn 't know where the Fair Grounds were , so he walked around for a while and then discovered that the fair grounds were real close to the railway station . When he left the railway station he checked his suitcase into the lockers , and then when he returned at night he would get his suitcase , and find a deserted box car , change into his old clothes he had brought and sleep over night . The next morning he would change back into his good clothes , go into the rest room to shave and wash up and then check his suitcase in a locker again . This way he had a great time , without having to spend a lot of money . He said he went mostly to the display part of the fair . ( And I will just add that he still loves to do this , and he doesn 't like to spend a lot of money . ) He went on another nice trip one summer with his good friends Leo Whitelock , Horace and Floyd Birch . They went to Waterton on the train . They missed the bus that would have taken them into Waterton , but they got a ride with a man that ran a horse ranch and he was taking supplies on his truck for his ranch . This ranch was located on this side of Lake Linnit , and they had cabins for rent there . So the boys got a cabin and stayed there . At night when the cowboys came in they would listen to them tell their interesting tales . They walked up to the town of Waterton and went swimming and many other interesting things also going to the dances at night . They stayed about a week . Bill took many parts in the Mutual Plays . He says he can remember three plays . One play he took the lead and Lavern Harris was the leading lady . They took that play to Lethbridge . He also took the part of a detective in one play and Witt Harris was the villain , at the conclusion of the play , Bill was supposed to shoot the villain . They took this play down to Grassy Lake and when the end came and Bill grabbed out his gun and shot the villain , Jimmie Jensen jumped up in the audience and shouted , " Shoot him again . " They usually had a dance after these plays and they did have lots of fun at the rehearsals for the plays . Bill liked sports and was a good basketball player . He started one year on the town league team , and then later the M Men team . One year they won the Stake Championship , so they went to the Regional at Cardston , and lost . They also played in Claresholm . I always said he was the star player on the M Men team , I guess that was because I couldn 't keep my eyes off him . Other girls thought he was pretty neat too . I really had to watch out for myself . Bill was called to fill a two - week Home Mission in Lethbridge one winter . His companion was Brother Orr . Members of the Church made arrangements for them to stay with members of the Church and eat their meals with them . Then one of the members of that ward took them around to the members of the ward to make contact with them and to try to persuade them to bring friends to the cottage meetings that they would hold in the evenings . Bill used to go to Lethbridge for the Sports Days . They would go with Vernon Biglowe in light wagons or a democrat with horses . Some of the boys would get rooms and stay overnight and some would pitch tents in the fair ground and stay there . There would be races , broad jump , high jump etc . Cliff Bennett topped them all . We stopped at Chin Coulee for dinner , and we got water out of the lake for drinking . Someone looked up and saw an old dead cow in the lake . When the Harding Family got the Model T . Ford , they were able to go to conference in Lethbridge . They always started out real early so they could allow plenty of time for fixing flat tires , because they always had two or three both going and coming . This was the process for fixing flat tires . Jacked the wheel up first , then pried the tire off the wheel , took inner tube out , found the puncture , patched it , put inner tube back in the tire , put the tire back on the wheel , and then pumped air back into it with a hand pump . They had to be very careful about putting the inner tube back in the tire , and putting it on the rim because they could easily pinch the tube with their tools , causing another puncture . After the meetings for that day , Bill would leave his folks in Lethbridge and come back to Taber to do the chores . His folks would stay with friends . When Bill was about fourteen , and a Teacher , Lethbridge Stake used to come to Taber with the Leaders or General Authorities . ( It was so hard for the Saints to find ways of traveling to Lethbridge . ) At this time Hugh B . Brown was President of the Lethbridge Stake . His counselors were Asael Palmer and Brother Green . At this conference meeting Bill was asked to speak his subject , " Duties of a Teacher " . This will be a history of the positions Bill has held in the Church . He was secretary of the Deacons Quorum , President of the Teachers Quorum , Secretary of the Priests Quorum , Group secretary of the Elders Quorum , Ordained by Heber S . Russel , on March 26 , 1929 . Bill was not able to go to the conference in Lethbridge when he was to be sustained , because he had the mumps , but was ordained later in Taber by Heber Russel . About this time he was secretary of the Mutual . Later was called to be the second counselor to Bishop Haynes in the Mutual . He also taught the M Men class for a while , and was called to fill the Home Mission for two weeks . Bill was ordained a Seventy by Samuel O Bennion , 9 March 1934 . He was a Seventy for 26 years . He was put on the committee that automatically made him first counselor in the Genealogy committee with Heber Russel as chairman . He was also later a counselor to Alvin Bennett in the stake Genealogy . Then he was called to be a stake Missionary . His companions were Tom Reamsbottom , and at this time Bill and his companion were doing Missionary work just about every day in the wintertime . He and John Evanson were companions for a while , then Burdett Hill . He held this position for about five years . When our wards were divided and Bishop Miller was our Bishop , he called Bill to be the Sunday School Superintendent , he was in this position for about five years , and his counselors were Alvin Jones and Albert Clark . Alvin slipped on the ice and died later as a result of the fall . Albert resigned and Bill chose Marlin Bennett and Jim Richards , his last counselors were Wayne Conrad and Dennis Bennett . Bill was released from the Sunday School when Bishop Miller was released from the Bishopric . Then about two months later he went in to the Stake Sunday School as second counselor to Harold Evanson one year as Harold was called to be a High Councilman . Ray Bennett was put in as President of the Stake Sunday School . When Taber Stake was created , and Clifford Pierson was Bishop , Bill was called to be his second counselor and Van VanNorman as first counselor . Van soon left and Bill was made first counselor . Gordon Saunders and later Mar Bodie were second counselors , Jim Pickles as Financial clerk . Melvin Easthope was Ward Clerk . He served about three years when Bill was called to be a High Councilman . He held this position for five and a half years . His companions during this time were Smelly Redd , Ross Salmon , Ray Bennett , Boyd Anderson , Linden Litchfield then Smelly Redd again . His assignments in the high council at different times , he had ward assignments and at one time he was over the Stake Mutual and then over the Stake primary . He visited the whole stake for the High Council about twice a year . One year we went to conference in Salt Lake , so that Bill could attend the Primary conference . It was a wonderful experience . He was the Priest advisor for a time and then the Teacher advisor . He took the Teacher Trainer Course , and he has always been a Ward Teacher or a Home Teacher , and has been faithful in his assignments . About 1974 , both Bill and I were asked to be proxies for sealing at the temple and we did this for about three years . When Bill was living home with his family he seemed to enjoy music . He took violin lessons for a while . He played a flute very well and was a master with the mouth organ . His folks had an organ and he did pretty well on that . Later he mastered the art of getting heavenly music out of a saw , playing it with a violin bow . For all the Seventies parties and other programs he was asked to play his saw and he usually had a lot of good jokes to go along with the entertainment . I would like to add to Bills history what I have observed about him . He is very quiet and like his Father is not easily riled , he is very peaceable and will not take part in any hostility . President Richard Evanson once told me that he knew that Bill had no enemies . Shortly after this an Indian Slashed Bills throat but almost instantly Bill was forgiving the Indian and would not press charges . He has a very good sense of humor . He is honorable , honest and highly respected in the Church and community and a man of his word . He is very spiritual , loves the gospel and lives to do the Lords work . Once he said , " I would like to work in the Lords house doing the Lords work all the time . " He has had many spiritual experiences and manifestations in his different church callings . Once he slept in the car , so he could be close to the sprinkler and take care of it . While he was asleep he heard his father call , " Bill , Bill . " He quickly got up and went to the engine and found serious trouble there . I think that because he was strictly honest in his business dealings that he expected it of others , especially when they had given their word . It is hard for him to ask for anything , he will go without first . However he does have a method that is very effective , and nearly always prayer is his help . One instance I will tell you to show how he influences others . Jim had a car and he needed some service done on it . Bill went in with Jim to get an estimate at the garage , they gave an estimate , but when Jim got the bill it was way over the estimate so Bill went in to see them . He didn 't say anything or ask them to explain , or get mad at them . He just went in and stood around a long time until they finally worked it out . This same method he often used with his children . He never had much to say , he did not tell them they couldn 't do what they wanted to do but they all knew what their Dad expected of them and what he stood for . You just can 't mistake the strong influence he has , just by being in his presence . I think I always wanted to please him , but sometimes I did feel that words were necessary and that his method was not quite enough for I felt that I had inspiration too , but I did always rely on his judgment . He always set a good example in attending Church , and being dependable and sincere in Church assignments , as well as community . He paid his tithe honestly . He always liked to be prompt and have plenty of time ; we very seldom ever went to a meeting late . He knows the gospel and loves to study . I always felt he could give me the correct answers concerning the Gospel . I will sum this up by saying that he loves farming and still does . President Evanson often related this story however he did not reveal the name of the man that it was about but I knew who it was . We had a field of beets over at the dry farm and they were badly in need of moisture . Bill had been cultivating them , so he got off the tractor , took his hat off and prayed to the Lord . He told him that he had planted the beets in good faith and they needed moisture , and almost immediately rain fell heavily over that part of the field , he was soaked to the skin , he couldn 't even get the tractor out of the field , so he walked to the car , and he drove home on dry ground . Whenever Bill planted his crops he always took his hat off in the field and asked for a blessing on his crops . He has experienced many wonderful miracles through prayer out on the land he loved so much . Many disappointments and failures , he experienced , but he still always trusted in the Lord and was truly forgiving to his fellow men and neighbors . This is a great lesson to learn and maybe his descendants can see what a great man he was . The Lord has told us that we should , " Cry over our crops , our household and our flocks . " ( By this meaning to pray over them , they are important for our sustenance in this life . ) In the early days of our beet raising , the beets were ready to thin and Bill had no luck in getting beet workers . He had been to town every day and several times workers would consent to come and he would go to pick them up only to find out they had taken a job with someone else . So Bill was just desperate . That night as he went to bed he prayed earnestly for beet workers , and no sooner had he got to bed than a knock came to the door . It was Pete and Erma Hirsche , they were looking for a job in the beets . They said that their boss had just called them in and paid them off and told them that they were finished so they came to our place . We really loved these people ; they stayed with us for two years . |
Jeffrey Maxwell told the police officers that his house was a mess . He stepped outside and closed the door behind him . He was a big man , 6 - foot - 5 with nearly 300 pounds poured over a broad frame . He had thick , gray sideburns and greasy , disheveled hair . He smiled at the investigators waiting for him on the small front porch . It was just before 6 pm on March 12 , 2011 . Sgt . Ricky Montgomery and four other investigators had come to this modest , modular lake house in Corsicana - 50 miles south of Dallas - with questions about a missing 62 - year - old woman . When the woman 's house had burned down and her remains weren 't found in the ashes , search teams had combed the surrounding hillsides . There were helicopters with heat - detecting cameras and ever - expanding grids . After a few days , police figured they were looking for a corpse . They brought in cadaver dogs and pumps to drain two nearby ponds , but there was still no sign of the woman . Then , eight days after the fire , a check for $ 500 cleared on her account . It was addressed to Maxwell and dated from weeks back . When police learned that Maxwell also owned a blue hatchback fitting the description of one seen by a neighbor on the day of the fire , they got a search warrant for the car and drove more than 100 miles from Weatherford to Corsicana to question him . A digital tape recorder in investigator Montgomery 's pocket caught the entire conversation . Maxwell thought about it for a moment . " Well , " he said , " she sent me a check here - " He stopped to clear his throat . " She owes me some money . " Maxwell said he 'd loaned her money a couple of years earlier , but he couldn 't remember the exact amount . " A couple thousand dollars , " he told the officers . " I guess I felt sorry for her . " " I 'm here ! " she said . The woman was frail , hunched over , her unwashed hair in knots , her face covered with bruises . She limped quickly past Maxwell , toward the officers . Though Montgomery was carrying a picture of the missing woman , he didn 't recognize her . Jeffrey Maxwell on the day of his arrest . Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentThere was a second of stunned silence . Texas Ranger Anthony Bradford , who was standing next to Montgomery at the time , would later explain , " We all needed to pick our jaws up off the ground . " Bradford pushed Maxwell against the wall and put him in handcuffs , even as Maxwell cried out that he hadn 't done anything . Montgomery and another officer went into the house with their guns drawn , clearing each room , calling out , " Sheriff 's Office ! " over and over . They didn 't find anyone else in the house , but they did find an assortment of chains , locks , and bloody sex toys . They found handcuffs and shackles next to an open jar of peanut butter , a bottle of lube on the bedroom windowsill , a loaded pistol next to a half - built model ship , and something in the garage that reporters soon took to calling a " homemade deer - skinning device . " " In all my years of law enforcement , I 've never seen anything like this , " Parker County Sheriff Larry Fowler told the media . He called the scene " a house of horrors . " The case quickly garnered international attention . It drew comparisons to the movie The Silence of the Lambs . But just as what happened in the home of Jeffrey Maxwell would illustrate the depths of human depravity , it would also prove the endurance of the human spirit . In many ways , Lois Pearson 's life resembled something out of a Thoreau essay . Instead of bustling city highways and crowded strip malls , she preferred the peaceful solitude of the small wooden house she grew up in , surrounded by the rural hills of northwest Parker County . Her family lived in that house when she was born , in 1949 , and except for the two years she spent at Tarleton State - where she and her mother shared an apartment - Pearson never moved away . She was content living on the modest income she got from leasing her 60 acres to a man with cattle . On warm days , she would stroll through the pastures with her cats and feed the cows . After her mother died , Pearson became fiercely self - reliant . When the pipes froze a few years ago , rather than hire a plumber , she decided to live without running water , hauling jugs of water herself from a well . Many of the lights in the house stopped working long ago , too , so she carried an old lamp , attached to an extension cord , from room to room as she went about her daily business . She grew up a devout Baptist . Every Sunday , she drove to church , and once a month she 'd go into Mineral Wells , the nearest town with stores , to buy groceries and wash her clothes at the laundromat . She drove the 1970 Nova she bought new during her first year as an elementary school teacher . On Sundays when the Nova wouldn 't start , she would walk to church and back , a 20 - mile round trip . She got rid of her television more than a decade ago . She often went days without any human interaction . She never had a boyfriend . She had , in fact , never been naked in front of a man - not even a doctor . The first time she met Jeffrey Maxwell was in 2001 , not long after he bought the property to the west of hers . Maxwell was in his late 40s at the time , and Pearson in her early 50s . They made small talk every so often , and he 'd wave as he 'd pass her house . One time he helped her borrow a tractor for the field out back . As a thank - you , she brought him a basket of fresh vegetables and berries . She hated feeling indebted to anyone . Maxwell once asked her out on a date , to dinner . She told him the invitation made her feel " weird , " and she declined . Then one afternoon he showed up at her house , jumped out of his car , and asked her for a kiss . Pearson was insulted . The expectant smirk on his face made her angry . He moved away shortly after that , in 2005 , but , much to her surprise , she saw him once more before he left . Their conversation was brief and civil . He stopped by to show her photos of the modular house he was having built on Richland Chambers Reservoir , just outside the city limits of Corsicana . Maxwell greeted her cordially , with a smile . He got out of the truck , making small talk along the side of the house . Before she could remember that she 'd been mad at him all those years ago , he asked her about her church . As she talked , he slowly moved toward her . She slowly moved away . Before long they were nearing the back of the house . Pearson , feeling a bit embarrassed about her containers of well water , began directing the conversation back toward the driveway . Then she noticed that something about his face had changed . He reached into his coat pocket , pulled out a can with a strange top , and lifted it to her face . Before she could say anything , he unleashed a stream of pepper spray , making sure to get it into both of her eyes . But the spray had no effect . She turned and ran for the barbed - wire fence next to her car . He was too strong , though . He dragged her to the ground in front of his truck . That 's when , in an act of desperation , she yelled as loud as she could . Hoping someone might hear her , or maybe it would deter Maxwell , she screamed , " I got AIDS ! " Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentHe stood her up , clicked a pair of prison - style shackles onto her ankles , and opened the back door . She was still struggling to free herself when he got her into the kitchen . He picked up a wooden rolling pin off the kitchen counter - it had been her mother 's - and hit Pearson on the left side of her head . When she didn 't go down , he swung again , even harder this time , and hit her on the right side . This one sent her to the ground . Later , she would say that on a scale of one to 10 , the hit on the left side of her face was a 10 and the hit on the right side was a 15 . She could feel her eyes swelling shut almost immediately . But she didn 't stop trying to run away until he picked up her large butcher 's knife . She sat still , dizzy and bleeding onto her kitchen floor . He asked her where she kept the duct tape . She was silent . He asked again , and again she was quiet . He pulled the long extension cord off of her lamp and began cutting it into sections . He walked her into the living room and used the strips of extension cord to tie her to a doorknob . She watched him as he went back through the kitchen and out the back door . She heard him walking toward the cars . He 'd been gone only a few seconds when she was able to slip her wrists out of the ties - she 's always had very small wrists . She stood up and ran out the door in the opposite direction . By the time he 'd gone back into the house , noticed she was gone , and gotten into his truck to chase her down , she 'd already made it several hundred yards down the road , even with the shackles on her ankles . He sped after her , pulling the truck off the road in front of her , cutting her off . Then he stepped out with a pistol in his hand . The look on his face terrified Pearson . He opened the cargo gate at the back of the truck and pushed her in . He leaned in over her and put handcuffs around her wrists . Then he slid a piece of duct tape over her mouth . She shook her head violently . She began to cry . He mimicked her cries , mocking her . Then he closed the door and climbed behind the wheel . As he drove away , he told her he 'd have to come back and burn her house down . She felt the truck pull onto the highway . He watched her in the rearview mirror and told her to lie down flat in the back . It was still daylight , though , and she hoped that maybe if she could lift her legs and passing drivers could see her shackles , they might be able to help her . Every time she raised her legs , he screamed at her and told her he 'd pull over and kill her . She noticed that the windows seemed to have an especially dark tint , and as she heard car after car go by without seeing her , she felt helpless . She imagined throwing the spare tire and hitting Maxwell but figured that would only make him angrier . She thought about opening the back gate and rolling onto the highway , but she couldn 't find the release . He heard her praying aloud , asking God for help over and over , and he scoffed . Pearson felt the truck turn off the highway . She didn 't recognize any of the roads or buildings she could see . She felt Maxwell stopping , turning the truck around , and backing in somewhere . He got her out and into the garage of a house she 'd never seen before . He closed the door behind her . She looked around the cluttered room . There was lawn furniture , a mower , a workbench full of tools , a washer and dryer in the corner . Maxwell took off her shackles . He began peeling off her clothing , everything but her bra . That he cut off with a knife . Then he cuffed each of her hands to the ends of a thick steel bar attached to the ceiling with chains . Confused , she watched him flip a switch on a yellow control box attached by a cable to the same spot in the ceiling as the chains . She felt her arms lifted first . Then she felt her shoulders pulled forcefully upward . The motor in the ceiling hummed as she moved higher and higher . When he flipped the switch again , it stopped , and she could feel her naked legs dangling in the air . Detectives who have known Jeffrey Maxwell for decades say he has always been able to get himself out of trouble . Whether it was burning down his house for the insurance money or shooting his animals to get out of feeding them or much , much worse , Maxwell has always , one way or another , evaded punishment . He once bragged to police that he started stealing women 's underwear when he was a teenager and had taken between 30 and 40 pairs in his lifetime , without ever getting caught . Sometimes he 'd break in when nobody was home . Other times he 'd excuse himself to use the restroom during dinner and slip his hand into the dirty clothes hamper . Maxwell 's Corsicana lake house where he held Lois Pearson hostage . Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentHe had lots of jobs over the years . He worked as an airline mechanic , as a feed salesman , and as a prison guard . For the last few years , he had been living off Social Security disability benefits . He married when he was 18 , when his girlfriend , Rita , got pregnant . After a few years , they divorced , and in 1981 , Maxwell met someone else through a mail matchmaking service . Martha Martinez lived with her parents in Mexico . Apart from a few trips to see her , their relationship consisted primarily of loving letters back and forth . When he finally came to Mexico to propose , Martha 's family was very upset . " We just didn 't like him , " says Carole Martinez , who is married to Martha 's brother Javier . " Everyone tried to be nice to him , but he gave people such a creepy feeling . " Though they begged Martha not to marry him , she was 29 and worried this would be her last chance to become a wife and mother . " She was insecure , " Carole says . " And he preyed upon that . " When Carole married Javier , Martha brought Maxwell to the celebration . Carole remembers Maxwell approaching her at the reception . " He looked at me , and he said , ' I guess since we 're family now , I get to kiss you , ' and he jammed his tongue down my throat . " A few months later , he did the same thing to the bride at another family wedding . Martha began telling friends about some more troubling behavior . She would show up with bruises on her wrists and ankles . She mostly kept it from her family , though . By then , Martha and Maxwell had a son together . In 1987 , Martha was found bound and beaten alongside I - 35 , about 10 miles outside Ardmore , Oklahoma . Her throat was slit , and she was barely alive . When she awoke in the hospital , she told police that Maxwell had drugged her , tied her up , tortured her , and left her to die . When detectives searched their Watauga home , they found stashed next to the air - conditioning unit a brown paper bag full of books about bondage . One was Bound , Whipped , and Caged School Girls . Another was Bondage for Three Wives . Below that they found another bag containing handcuffs , cords , and clothespins . Maxwell was arrested and charged with aggravated kidnapping . Martha took her son with her to Mexico to stay with her family . She told them some of the stories she 'd kept secret for so long , about Maxwell binding her and locking her alone in a small room for days . But when it came time to testify about what she 'd suffered , she felt like the judge and the police didn 't believe her . Authorities stopped contacting her , and eventually the charges were dropped . Maxwell started writing Martha letters again , apologizing for what he 'd done . Martha shared them with her family as they pleaded with her not to go back to him . " The letters were really more manipulative than anything , " Carole says . He appealed to Martha 's Catholic upbringing . " He kept telling her that God wanted them to be together and basically blamed her for everything that had happened . " At first , things seemed to get better . She went to college and got an associate degree . Their son seemed happy , and Martha adored Maxwell 's son from his previous marriage . When Martha brought Maxwell to a family reunion , some people even forced themselves to make small talk with him . But they still weren 't completely surprised when , in 1993 , Martha went missing . The letters were in English , even though anytime she 'd written anything to anyone in her family , it had been in Spanish . The outsides of both envelopes had been addressed in a different hand . Convinced something horrible had happened , Martha 's friends and parents contacted the Fort Worth police . But it wasn 't until her brother flew to Texas to talk to them in person that there was a report filed . And though the family felt strongly that Maxwell was involved - " There was no doubt , " Carole says - the investigation went nowhere . Years later , when police asked him if he had done anything that might have resulted in his wife 's death , Maxwell replied , " Not intentionally . " In 1995 , he petitioned the court for a divorce , citing Martha 's disappearance . Soon after , he remarried Rita , who by then had three young daughters from another marriage . But two days before his second wedding to Rita , police reports would later show , her best friend said Maxwell raped her . That woman , who was renting part of a duplex from Maxwell , said he came over one night to fix a broken sink and forced himself on her . When he was done , he put his clothes on , warned her not to tell anyone , and left her crying on the bed . Not long after he moved in with Rita and her girls , the middle daughter complained to school officials that her stepfather was touching her inappropriately . The girl said it happened most often while she was playing Nintendo . He would lie next to her and put his tongue in her mouth . She would try to block him with her teeth , she said . After the complaints , Maxwell moved the family to a different school . At the new school , there were new allegations . This time the youngest daughter said she , too , had been touched . She described waking up in the middle of a thunderstorm and wanting her mother . But when she got to the bedroom , Maxwell was the only one there . She said he groped her all over , until they saw the mother 's headlights in the driveway and he told her to go back to bed . This time Child Protective Services insisted Rita take the girls and leave the house , but again Maxwell escaped charges . As he raised Pearson into the air , Maxwell yelled at her . He was still angry that she had disobeyed him in the car . He called her a bitch . No one had ever called her that . She could feel his hands on her body , roaming , probing . She felt something hard and pointed - it felt like a plastic bullet . She felt him put it in her rectum and then do something to make it start shaking . Then he started hitting her . At first he used a small black whip with red tassels at the end . Then he switched to a longer bullwhip . At some point , he used the end of a fishing pole . He hit everywhere , from her neck and throat to her feet and ankles and everywhere in between . He focused on her breasts , which hurt the most . She couldn 't help but cry out . He told her again that when he was through with her , she wouldn 't believe in God . He asked if it hurt . She told him it did . When he finally lowered her to the ground , she could barely stand . He walked her up the small wooden garage stairs and into the kitchen , stopping to show her the rifle he kept loaded by the door . Pearson was terrified of guns . As soon as her father died , she and her mother had removed all the guns from the house . Maxwell walked her to the bathroom and told her to clean up . For the first time , she got a glimpse of the bruises that were forming all over her body . Her right eye was swollen shut . She worried she might lose it . He must have overheard her asking God to spare her life , because Maxwell sneered through the doorway , " You better pray . " He took a quick shower then gave her some of his jeans to wear . They were enormous on her , and they smelled like him . It was awful , but that was when she realized that she would live longer if she kept him happy . That night he chained her ankles to the bed , turned off all the lights , and lay down next to her . Pearson didn 't sleep , though , and Maxwell didn 't sleep much either . Every time she would turn to look in his direction , she 'd see his wide , owl - like eyes peering back at her through the darkness . It was her first night away from home in more than 40 years . As dawn broke on day two , Maxwell told her he had to go to the store . He said he needed more padlocks . He stood her up and walked her toward the garage . She thought he was putting her back on the machine , and she broke into tears . The coffin - like pine box Maxwell kept Pearson in . Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentHe showed her a homemade wooden box on the floor of the garage . It looked like a coffin . She noticed the wood looked and smelled new . He told her she could pick : into the box or back on the machine ? Her decision was instant . She would have done anything to avoid going back up on the machine . He put a metal ring in her mouth to gag her and closed the attached strap behind her head . Then he cuffed her wrists and ankles and told her to lie down in the box . Through the gag , she voiced her concern about air . He put a wrench on the edge of the box to prop up the lid about an inch . Then he left . She waited for a few seconds after she heard the engine start outside to make sure the car was gone . Then , lying on her back , she tried to push open the homemade coffin . As hard as she pushed and kicked - and she tried until her knees were black from the bruising - she couldn 't do anything more than knock the wrench out and lock herself in darkness . She wouldn 't realize until he returned with the new locks that he had moved the box under a heavy workbench . When he got back , he brought her into the bedroom and took her clothes off . He put her on the bed and began rubbing between her legs . Pearson had never talked to her parents about sex , and she had certainly never taken a sex - ed class . She didn 't know what he was doing to her , but it hurt . When she winced in pain , he asked how she 'd like going into the garage and getting hung upside down . She tried to not make a sound after that . When he was done , he cuffed her leg to the bed again . For the first few days , that 's what he did anytime he wasn 't in the room with her . Whether he was taking a shower or walking to the mailbox , he couldn 't be too careful . That night , her body exhausted , she finally slept a few hours . The next morning , he told her he needed to drive into Dallas to pay a repair bill for his son . He cuffed her and gagged her and left her chained to the bed for hours . As she sat there , bouncing every now and then to keep the blood flowing to her hands , she wondered if anyone in the world would ever know she was in this house . She wondered what would happen if Maxwell got into an accident on the highway , if she would waste away attached to the frame of a bed bolted to the floor . When Maxwell returned that afternoon , he yelled at her for wetting the bed . He mocked her . When he removed the metal ring gag , Pearson realized it had cracked the front of her teeth . That was the day her house burned down . When Pearson spotted her driver 's license photo on the television screen , Maxwell rewound the DVR so she could watch the entire news segment . Pearson learned that her house was gone , that she had been declared a missing person , and that people were looking for her . They fell into a routine . He would sexually assault her in the morning . She would spend the rest of the day praying . She had a regular prayer she recited : " Please , God , don 't let Jeff kill me . " She 'd say it again and again , sometimes in her head , sometimes out loud . As the routine went on , she noticed that he seemed less angry at her . He would even smile sometimes as he made her oatmeal for breakfast . As he pressed down on top of her , Maxwell put his mouth against hers . He felt so heavy . She could barely breathe . That 's when she decided to take a different approach . Her parents had always told Pearson that she carried a bronchitis germ in her mouth . It 's one of the reasons she never kissed boys when she was young . So she pushed as much of her saliva as possible into Maxwell 's mouth . She would later call the maneuver " germ warfare . " There 's no way of knowing exactly why it happened , but the next day , Maxwell woke up with a fever and chills . He was pasty and could barely get out of bed . He never touched her in a sexual way again . One morning he demanded she write him a check . He told her to date it February 2 , more than a month earlier . He said to write " Thanks for the loan , Jeff " on the memo line and to sign it . She purposely botched her first attempt , tearing the check up and putting the bits in her purse . He told her to start over . This time she wrote " loan repayment " instead of what he 'd ordered . When he got mad , she blamed it on her sore fingers . He went out that afternoon and cashed it . " Groceries aren 't cheap , " he told her . He had already taken $ 60 in cash out of her wallet - the money for her trip into town . She was fasting every other day - drinking only water from sun up to sun down - because she felt like it brought her closer to God . She hoped the money might buy her a few more days . Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentEarly on , Pearson had asked Maxwell if he had a Bible , and he 'd brought out an old one that once belonged to his father . She asked to read it . At first , he insisted on turning the pages for her . Soon , though , he would just hand it to her and let her sit on the floor and read all day as he watched old Westerns and sci - fi movies . Once in a while he would interrupt her and tell her to come sit on his lap . But after a few minutes he 'd tell her she was getting too heavy , and she 'd pick up reading where she left off . He began to trust her more . He kept her chained less and less around the house . One day she noticed that he left his cell phone in the bathroom . She thought about picking it up , using it to call for help , but she 'd never used a cell phone before . She worried she 'd do something wrong and not only would he stop trusting her , but he 'd also put her back on the machine . She left it alone . On weekends , she could see people out on the lake , enjoying themselves . She would stare at the walls , at the ceiling , and dream of floating through the drywall and wood to freedom . She prayed that maybe someone would come to a window and see her . Maxwell started asking her more about her beliefs . He explained that he , too , had grown up in a strictly religious household . Sometimes it felt like he was trying to convince her that God didn 't exist . But sometimes he asked about forgiveness . She said she had to . " If you don 't forgive others , God can 't forgive you , " she said . That 's what she believed . him . He told her he couldn 't let her go because of her bruises , and , he said , she would " gossip " about it . She assured him she wouldn 't . By then he had also convinced her that someone else - possibly multiple parties - was paying him to do this to her . He wouldn 't tell her who , but he told her he was trying to be as nice to her as possible . Even though he tried to be nice - sometimes he brought her fast food , and he had her dip her hands in hot water in a misguided attempt to stave off infection - it wasn 't long before he would go back to mocking her . He would ask her sarcastically how her praying was going , noting that it must not be working since she was still there . Maxwell mocked her early on Saturday , March 12 . He laughed at her as she sat on the floor , just as she had all the other days , reading the Bible and praying . In fact , she was praying that afternoon , and he was watching TV , when they heard a firm knock at the door . He stood up and quickly walked her into the back bedroom . He told her to stay quiet . Before he could cuff her or gag her , they heard another knock . He went to answer the door . She heard him step out and close the door behind him . She could hear their voices outside , but she couldn 't make out what they were saying . The bed Maxwell shared with Pearson . Photo courtesy of Parker County Sheriff DepartmentShe crept out of the bedroom and over to a window at the front of the house . It was nearly 6 pm , but there was still enough light to make out " SHERIFF " on the car parked by the road . First she felt dread , which confused her . But then she realized this was her chance . " He didn 't do nothing , " she said . " He 's okay . " She would later hear the term " Stockholm syndrome , " but all she remembers from those seconds is fearing for her life . But when they searched the house , they found the winch she described and the yellow control box covered in blood . They also found the whips , the cuffs , three guns , four sex toys of various sizes , and wads of duct tape all over the place . There was blood on the sheets , on the floor below the winch , and on various pieces of clothing around the house . Police also found two tall file cabinets filled with bondage porn : movies , books , magazines . The dresser in the bedroom was also filled with porn . So was the nightstand and the top shelf in the bedroom closet . Slave fetish movies were stacked next to family photos . In the garage , they also found the wooden box . " There 's no doubt in my mind he was going to kill her , " Sheriff Fowler told reporters . " He didn 't have any other options . If our men showed up a day later , who knows what we would have found . " Still , he pleaded not guilty to charges of aggravated kidnapping and two counts of aggravated sexual assault . The trial started on February 14 , 2012 . Even though the sexual assaults took place in Navarro County , the abduction occurred in Parker County , so the trial was held in Weatherford , with Judge Trey E . Loftin presiding . In the months between his arrest and his trial , Maxwell lost more than 60 pounds - and shaved his sideburns . Now he appeared lanky , a ghostly figure in an oversize suit . In front of a jury of six men and six women , prosecutors Jeff Swain and Kathleen Catania laid out the case . Sgt . Montgomery and Ranger Bradford took the stand , along with several other investigators . The jury listened as prosecutors played the tape of Pearson bursting free , and watched the DVDs of Maxwell 's confession . The state submitted more than 100 pieces of evidence . The coffin , the machine , the shackles , and the guns all sat just feet from the jurors for most of the five days of testimony . Jurors heard from doctors , nurses , DNA experts . They also heard from Pearson . She has always been shy around crowds - she can 't even play the piano at church until everyone 's leaving - but she stood bravely before the court , swore on the Bible to tell the truth , and proceeded to describe the events in horrific detail . Defense attorneys Richard Alley and James Wilson tried admirably , despite the mountain of evidence . Alley objected to the search of Maxwell 's property because an investigator entered the house in the time between the initial sweep and when the search warrant arrived . ( Pearson had insisted someone take her in to get her purse . ) But the judge overruled the objections . The defense lawyers told the court they did not wish to call any witnesses . The jury took less than an hour to convict Maxwell on all three counts . At the sentencing , as in the guilt - innocence phase , Judge Loftin ruled that jurors could not hear about Maxwell 's suspected involvement in the slashing and subsequent disappearance of his ex - wife Martha . But they did hear from the woman Maxwell raped two days before his wedding . They heard from two of Rita 's daughters , who described how being molested all those years ago has affected them gravely . They heard from a detective who , in the ' 80s , became convinced that Maxwell wanted to live out a fantasy that involved keeping a woman as a prisoner under his total control . Pearson took the stand again , this time to talk about the pain she was still suffering more than a year afterward . She described her fractured shoulder and the ligament damage in her fingers . She explained that she can no longer haul water from her well . She talked about the three cats that died in the fire : Bluey , Blacky , and Bluey 's kitten , which hadn 't been named yet . The worst part , she said , was that she had always believed that by remaining a virgin for all eternity , she would receive her reward in heaven . Again it took less than an hour for the jury to give him three life sentences . The judge stacked two of the sentences , meaning that at the absolute earliest Maxwell could be eligible for parole , he 'd be 119 years old . When the proceedings were over , the crowded room watched as a sheriff 's deputy put cuffs on Maxwell 's wrists and ankles . After her 12 days with Jeffrey Maxwell , Pearson was left with only memories of her previous life . He took so much . It wasn 't just the house , or her clothes , or the car she loved , but all of her earthly possessions : her old manual typewriter , her piano and all her mother 's sheet music , shelves of photo albums . She no longer owns a picture of her father , and she 's not sure one exists . She wonders sometimes why he picked her , what she could have done differently . She has been told it 's because Maxwell knew she could be gone for days without anyone noticing , that she was the perfect victim . She wonders if he hadn 't burned down her house and started the search , would anyone ever have known she was gone ? She knows there are so many things that could have gone differently and that she could so easily be dead . Pearson , now 63 , began slowly rebuilding her life . Her church raised more than $ 17 , 000 to buy her a small trailer for her property . It 's not the house she grew up in , but the old wooden house had holes in the floor where rattlesnakes and rodents would sometimes climb in . It was almost impossible to heat in the winter . But the new trailer is all sealed up and cozy on cold nights . The church even gave her a new piano . A neighbor put in her septic tank . She doesn 't have a car yet , but she does have a new phone , and she gets rides from her friends . These days , she gets calls from church friends all the time . She chats with her neighbors nearly every day . People are always stopping by to check on her or to bring her food or small presents . Members of the congregation have asked her to sing in front of the church . In the old days , she never would have considered it , but now she 's giving it some thought . She likes the feeling of making so many people happy . She still relishes the quietude of nature , but she also enjoys spending time with her new friends . |
Like many people around here today I 'm pretty bummed about the whole Mike Leach thing . So much so , I have nothing nice to say about it . So let 's just get on with our lives . Can you believe it 's almost 2010 ? Can you believe how wrong the movie was ? Can you remember what the movie was about ? Ive been thinking about new years resolutions and if I should set myself up for failure again this year . Maybe I should go a little easier on myself and set attainable goals . Like , I resolve to watch more TV in 2010 . Or I resolve to drink a glass of red wine everyday , you know , for my heart . Also I will take more bubble baths and eat more chocolate . I 'm going to read books just for fun and listen to more music . I am going to watch more baseball and I will go to at least one Rangers game this year . I 'm going to see one new movie every month and watch some old favorites in between . I will enjoy my husbands company and find more reasons to laugh with him . I 'll see my kids as often as I can and never end a conversation without " I love you " . I hope you all have more of everything you love this year . Have a happy 2010 ! I made it . I finished everything I needed to do before Christmas . Well , actually , I ran out of time and I 'm just making do with what I have gotten done . It snowed yesterday and it is beautiful . It kind of messed up our plans , but that 's OK , because I really wanted a White Christmas . I didn 't want it to take my son and his girlfriend 14 hours to drive from Austin , but they are here and that 's what matters . Now if we can just get Sarah and Jonathon here safely . They are flying in this morning . Maybe we can be snowed in together for a while . I will post pictures as soon as I can . Anyway Merry Christmas to all , and Jesus , thank you for being born . Are you ready for Christmas ? This question is getting old . For me these days it rates right up there with , how old are you and how much do you weigh . I have never been less ready than I am this year . I don 't know what 's wrong with me . I haven 't had fun at any of the Christmas parties so far . They weren 't terrible . I just felt sort of blah . I think I miss my kids . Shopping has been harder this year than ever before . I don 't know what to buy for anyone . I 'm getting more and more behind . I was looking at board games at Barnes and Nobel . ( Don 't worry , kids , no one 's getting a board game . ) I noticed there are trivia games for every subject or interest you can imagine . There appears to be a great need for useless information . And the Monopoly games are getting out of hand . There is Star Wars Monopoly , Seinfeld Monopoly , Peanuts , and my favorite Grateful Deadopoly . That 's going too far . I like the Grateful Dead . I own several Cd 's and once owned them on vinyl . I have driven hundreds of miles to see the Dead in concert , but I am merely a fan , not a Dead Head . How do I know ? Because I like other music , also . To a Dead Head , the worse thing you can ever say is , " Can we listen to something else ? " I don 't think I have ever finished a game of Monopoly before someone got mad and quit . When we were kids we hated that game but played it all the time . I think it started something like this . It was Christmas break and the weather was bad so we couldn 't play outside . Mom would yell at us to quit fighting or turn off the TV or whatever we were doing to get on her nerves . Steve would pull out Monopoly and say " Ya wanna play this stupid game ? " We would say no as we raced to the table to fight over who was the dog or the race car , who got to be the banker and so on . And then it began , sometimes lasting for hours . But we never finished a game . It would be years before I realized there was a way to end it without game pieces flying and someone getting in trouble with Mom . By the way , Isn 't it fitting that Monopoly is made by only one compaPosted by I watched Gone With the Wind last night and I don 't know if you can tell but I am writing this with a deep southern drawl . Isn 't it funny how a movie can affect your speech for days . And I don 't know why , but if a book is set in the south I read it with a southern accent . I am from Texas , and in case you are wondering , I do not speak with a drawl . I speak with a twang . As you can see I have nothing of any interest or importance to say tonight . We had our Christmas open house today , and I heard the same songs sung by every school in town . There were a few variations . Some classes were more unruly than others and some were very well behaved . One little boy danced like he had the Holy Ghost . I don 't think his teacher appreciated it . Well you probably can tell by now that I am posting Christmas picture this week . The ones tonight are very special . One was taken in 1975 when My brother , Danny and his family came home for Christmas . They had been living in Hawaii for some time . It was the first time our family , all the brothers and sisters , had been together on Christmas in ten years and we had a White Christmas . The other pictures I bar owed from Jamie 's facebook page . It 's Jamie , Amy and my sweet Lauren . Aren 't they gorgeous ? I kinda had a bad day . I cant really say much about it because of privacy laws . But this was the kind of day that could have ended on the evening news with the words " before turning the gun on herself " . But it didn 't . I kept my cool and didn 't kill anyone or kick any puppies or yell at any old ladies . I am learning , these days do end , this too shall pass . After work I went to the dollar store to finish up my Secret Santa shopping . No I am not that cheap . The dollar store was agreed on by everyone . Anyway it took me ten minutes to find what I wanted and another thirty to stand in line and pay for it . The place was crazy and people were angry . All except the young lady in front of me . She was having a lovely time showing me what all she picked out and even complementing the cashier on the nice tall bags they had for her wrapping paper . She was a joy to stand in line with . I got home and my husband , who was in such a lousy mood last night was all smiles this evening . His boss told him he has so much vacation time left he had better take off all next week . Suddenly he 's Mr . Happy ! It will be wonderful for him to be off , as it is Christmas week . He can do all his shopping and gift wrapping . He can bake and make Christmas candy and get the house ready for the kids to come home . Oh wait . Those are my chores . Well , at least he can rake leaves . It would be so nice if I had that sarcasm font . My family has been through a lot the last couple of weeks , but I guess we have to do the Christmas thing anyway . Although , I think we would be better off hibernating for the winter . I think I may be part bear , as I have this overwhelming desire to sleep through cold weather and hard times . But seriously , it just seems wrong to carry on like nothing happened . We tried to get some Christmas shopping done yesterday and the stores were so crowded I couldn 't even think . I have a feeling I am going to be shopping on Christmas eve . I don 't know what to buy for my kids . They live in a warmer climate so they don 't need sweaters and scarves . They are renters and students who move a lot and don 't need more things for their homes . I don 't like to give cash because , well people know how much you spent . Besides it seems lazy and thoughtless . Why do I put myself through the torture of trying to find the perfect gift every year ? I think it to death and then become frustrated . When my kids were growing up , I tried so hard to make every Christmas perfect and memorable . Chances are , they didn 't care . Why would they ? They were children , Christmas in its self was perfect . When I was a child no one had to convince me Santa was real . I never got to see a department store Santa because Mom went to see him alone . That 's what she said and I believed her . When I was around four or five we had snow and I wanted to go out and play . Afraid to be told no if I asked first , I went to the closet to get my coat . I opened the door and saw all these toys . Before what I was seeing really registered I felt someone grab my arm and pull me out . I think it was Greg . Everyone was standing around me asking what I saw . I honestly couldn 't remember . My mom said Santa had to bring some toys early and I was to stay out of that closet . I believed her and of course never looked in the closet again . I knew Christmas would come and I could wait . I cant imagine it now , but I really had no anxiety about it at all . I got my little piano that year . We never had stockingPosted by Last night my brother lost his wife to cancer . We had spent the day with them and their family and received the call about thirty minutes after getting home . When we left I really thought she had more time . I didn 't realize I was saying goodbye for the last time , or maybe I would have said something more profound . Probably not . My brother Danny left for the Navy when I was about seven , but I will never forget that day . My parents were taking him to the bus station and he was trying to tell me goodbye . I remember crying because I wanted to go too . I refused to hug him in my little hissie fit and some time later realized he was gone and I had missed my chance . Later that day I walked into the kitchen and saw my dad sitting at the table crying his eyes out . He was so broken hearted and believed Danny was too sweet and naive to be pushed out into this cold world , as he himself had a few years earlier . Now he is watching his son go through another trial he has also faced and can not do anything to help him . Regrettably , I have not spent much time with my sister in law , Shirley for the past few years , but , she was a God send in my youth . While Danny was overseas she was so good to my brothers and me . She believed children should be taken bowling and fishing and whatever . She taught me how to bait a hook and play spades and other card games . I loved coffee and hot tea with milk because of her . She would talk to me and explain things to me like I mattered . Most of the time these conversations took place over a fishing hole . I hope I get to fish with her in heaven . I am missing water aerobics again tonight . It 's too cold and icy out and they will probably cancel it anyway . I do enjoy water aerobics . It 's the only exercise routine I have ever had fun doing . It does make me tired , though . You know how exercise is supposed to give you so much energy ? Well , I sleep like a baby after water aerobics . It 's a good kind of sleep too . Kind of like sleeping in a poorly ventilated room with an open flame heater after having too much cold medicine . There I go , thinking about my childhood again . ( This is where I really need a sarcasm font on my computer ) I love winter sleeping . I didn 't even like naps until I had children . Way up into my twenties it was like I was afraid I would miss something if I went to sleep . These days with the sun going down at 6 : 00 , I could be in bed by 7 : 00 . I could put on my flannel jammies after a hot shower , jump in bed , turn on a movie and settle in for a long winter 's nap . With a dose of NyQuil , a little depression and self pity I could get a good 12 or 13 hours in . It 's a good thing I don 't live somewhere like Alaska . I have said in the past I never cry in public . I also said it was becoming increasingly harder to control this emotion . Maybe it 's age , hormones or just life 's experiences , I don 't know , but I am more emotional these days . I have a good reason for not wanting to cry in front of others . I don 't like a lot of attention and if I start crying I will draw attention . I 'm not one of those people who can quietly weep , tears rolling down their faces , occasionally dabbing them with a tissue . When I cry it 's loud uncontrollable shoulder heaving sobbing . It requires many tissues . I try to avoid situations that will bring on these episodes . Sometimes it just can 't be helped . If it happens at church , well I know I will not be the only one . This time of year everyone is trying to make you cry . Coffee commercials are the worst . They are like mini episodes of The Walton 's or Little House On The Prairie . On the news they will have soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan wishing their families a merry Christmas . OK , so no TV . But what about work ? When we have our open house you know there will be children singing Silent Night and such . How am I supposed to handle that ? I have to work with these people . In the town I lived in before , there was this young African American Man , named Cory . He was around thirty but had the mentality of a six year old . He was one of the sweetest people I have ever known . He would come into the bank to see me all the time and talk about Jesus . He loved Jesus and he loved his church . He would tell me about a revival or something they were having and he would say " I 'm going back tonight to get me another blessing " . He always wanted to play the guitar in his church but he didn 't know how . He told me his pastor would say " Cory that 's not your gift " . And he was happy with that answer . We were having our Christmas open house one year and he came in for punch and cookies . He was so excited about Christmas , telling me what he was getting his grandma . He said " I want to sing you a song for Christmas " . I said OK , not realiPosted by It 's that time again . I have my tree up and my house all decorated . It 's cold and wet outside and I plan to make fudge and Martha Washington candy today while Jon watches , of course , football . So far , I think Christmas is going to be easier this year . I still miss Lauren as much as ever , but like a thorn in my side or a rock in my shoe , I 'm getting used to it . I like Christmas music , but it gets old . It 's the same songs sung the same way by different artist . I prefer the old stuff , or my mom 's music . You know big bands like Glen Miller or the crooners like Frank Sinatra , Tony Bennett and Nat King Cole . But what I really love is the sixties stuff . I used to have a Christmas album , or vinyl for those of you too young to know the lingo , that had Lou Rawls and Mary Wilson , among others . I have looked for it on CD but never found it . This was the kind of music we heard in the bus stations when Mom and I went to Washington DC in 1963 . This music , along with Coca Cola Santa 's always takes me back to that time . I even have an ornament on my tree that is a Coca Cola Santa with 1963 printed on it . There was a time , when I began this season by making matching Christmas dresses for my girls . Soon they were too old for this little tradition . It broke my heart , but at least it was one less thing I had to get done . A few years later I was making red twirling suits with Santa fur on the skirts for the Christmas parade in Plainview . Lauren was thrilled the last year she did this parade when she got to lead the Plainview high school marching band . This band marched about 300 more students than her high school band and is kind of a big deal around here . Hard as it may be , I know we will move on and make new traditions and memories . We 'll just have to see how it goes . This morning I awoke to a lovely memory . The aroma of Thanksgiving turkey roasting in the oven and my parents moving around , talking in the kitchen . I remember my dad playing with our Pekingese , Puddles , who 's senses were overtaken by the smell . He would say , " You want some turkey ? " , and she would stand on her hind legs and make this sound like she was talking back to him . I got out of bed and made myself a cup of coffee , and there was my own little Pekingese , Mia , looking up at me . She looked so sweet , so I gave her a little saucer of the heavy cream I was putting in my coffee . She loved it . I had no idea Jon had already given her some milk , it 's so unlike him . Spoiling the puppy is my job . Well anyway , I never would have thought such a little dog could throw up so much . Judging from Thanksgivings past , I would say the thing my family is most thankful for is football . Dallas Cowboy football to be exact . But football in general , goes on for days . This is why I don 't mind working the Friday after Thanksgiving . There will be football from now through Monday night , for sure , but sometimes they surprise me with even more . I have a niece , Jeanna , who is more like a sister to me for many reasons . She is only three or four years younger and we were raised together . Of course , like a sister , I may see her faults , but you better keep your opinions to yourself . One Thanksgiving she and her mom and step - dad were living down the street from us . After having our fill of food and football , we snuck off to her house and watched Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer , played barbies and just laughed and had a good time . No one even missed us , but football was on so . . . . . . . . . Today I miss my mom . I can 't believe she left this world without giving me her dressing recipe . Thank goodness for Praters . I miss Lauren sitting on the kitchen counter talking while I make ugly pies she and Sarah will make fun of , but still eat . I miss her watching the parade and telling me every few minutes that I just have to see these twirler 's uniforms . I will takePosted by Driving home from work today , I heard on the radio they were having a Thanksgiving giveaway called Free Bird . They were giving away Butterball turkeys with Lynard Skynard Cd 's inside . It made me laugh . But then I realized Thanksgiving dinner will likely be cooked by fifty year olds . Or those of us who discovered Lynard Skynard back in the 70 's when we were fifteen and sixteen , never knowing we would ever be this old . It 's funny to me how my generation has had such a hard time growing up . We run industry and politics , and are responsible for most of the mayhem in the world , waging war and brokering peace . And yet , we still love to crank up the tunes on the radio . There is no better feeling than hopping in your car on Friday after work just as a Zeppelin song starts up . And no better time to get the Led out . The big topic at church and in our small groups right now is , " defining moments " . Everyone seems to have one , some have several . I guess my big Ta Da was when I realized how much I need other people . I know that doesn 't seem like much , but believe me , it was hard to get there . I always had a lot of friends in school and didn 't spend many weekends alone . But somewhere along the way I quit trusting people . Maybe it was the bitter sting of all the knives in my back or the constant ringing in my ears from the gossip . But I learned to keep people , even friends at a distance . After I was born again , got married and had children , I felt like I needed friends even less . I was quite comfotable being alone . I had everything I needed . I never cried in public . This was a skill developed over many years and I was very proud of it . My mother was a crier and it embarrassed me . I also married a crier . So many times , Jon would give one of his " mini sermons " at the dinner table and he and Sarah would break down in tears while Eric , Lauren and I sat in awkward silence . I wasn 't heartless . I understood what he was saying . It just didn 't make me cry . Things started to change around the time my mom was diagnosed with A L S . I was constantly blinking back tears , and I had to carry Kleenex in my purse just in case the radio played a Vince Gill song . I don 't know what it is about his voice , it just makes me cry . After she died , it took me a while but I finally was able to suck it up and go on . After all everyone looses their mom at some point , right ? It 's just normal . But the loss of my sister was different . It took months for it to sink in . There is something about the death of someone with your exact DNA that makes you realize how mortal you are . She was the one person I always turned to , and now she was gone . I made up for all the years of not crying the night Lauren died . I cried until my eyeballs were sore and then I cried some more . I never knew it was physically possible to cry so much . We had driven all night to Sherman , in hopes of Sheila Armstrong There is one thing all the Armstrong grandchildren have in common , besides a biting wit and the smart _ ss gene . That is a yellow Kermit the Frog t shirt . They all wore it , from Cory to Lauren . We should have had it framed but in those days a hand - me - down t shirt was not near as sentimental as it was functional . Little kids love getting hand - me - downs from older siblings or cousins . Our son , Eric was once given some play clothes belonging to his cousin Lance . There were several stripped knit shirts that were worn and baggy , but Eric loved them . I remember one Sunday , I had him dressed for church in a blue pullover with his name monogrammed on it . He was so cute and , I thought , way to young to care what other kids would think . After Sunday school , I walked into church and there he was , waiting for me on the front pew wearing one of those stripped shirts , his sweater crumpled up beside him . Then there are those great finds or vintage clothing . We found a few neat old things in the attic of an old house we bought in the country . This included a fully in tacked cat skeleton . That 's a story for another time . But what Lauren found up there was an old thread bare t shirt with " Lake Texhoma 1985 " on the front . She washed it and wore it for many years . We had never even seen Lake Texhoma . A few years later she started to college in Durant Oklahoma , which just happen to be right by Lake Texhoma where she and her friends spent so much time . She was wearing the shirt at home one weekend and I said " Who knew when you found that old shirt , you would be hanging out at Lake Texhoma all these years later ? " She said " Yeah , and I was born in 1985 " . I think my favorite old clothes story is one about a S M U ( Southern Methodist University ) sweatshirt My husband Jon bought in the 70 's . It was one of those old styles with a hood and front pocket , very soft and warm . After we married , SMU was on probation for something , I don 't remember , and their football teams were really bad for several years . Anyway , too ashamed to wear it , Jon gave itPosted by I am a " girlie girl " . I always have been . That 's just how my mother raised me . I don 't like to get dirty and I see no reason to ever jog or run unless someone is chasing me with a gun or chainsaw . I have had too many abusive P E teachers in my life to consider volleyball as anything else but a form of punishment . I know women can be tough and I have , at times , had to suck it up and be a little tough myself . My sister pierced my ears before the ice had time to numb them . I walked around on a broken foot for two weeks before I knew it was broken . I gave birth , naturally , three times . The third one was nine pounds and my doctor hadn 't even shown up yet . I know a woman can do anything she has to do , but why volunteer ? For instance , women in combat . Sure she can do it , I have no doubt about that . But it wouldn 't be all that comfortable at certain times , if you know what I mean . She couldn 't just call in sick , have a glass of wine and watch her soaps . A few ears ago , my husband and I were youth directors at our church . We , along with two other couples , took the youth group camping over night at a nearby campground . My friend , Debbie , chose one of the primitive sites for us and as the kids and husbands were setting up tents we went looking for facilities ( out houses ) . She told me she wasn 't feeling well and had a yeast infection . I said why in the world did you pick a primitive sight ? I mean what could be worse , right ? That night a huge thunderstorm rolled in and seemed to last for hours . We were soaked to our bones , and all packed into the one tent left standing . It had been sprayed by a cat and smelled like a litter box . Frightened , wet and suffocating from the stench , all I could think about was , poor Debbie has a yeast infection . No woman should ever have to live like that . My brother sent me this picture today . It is my brothers , Danny and Greg , with Grandma Bell . They were returning from Vietnam . Happy Veteran 's Day to all you Vets out there and to all who just love a Vet . Over the years Jon and I have had some cats we loved dearly . They have been sweet , playful and loyal and really just great companions . Before all these little dogs came into our lives we were considered cat people . But for me , this was not always the case . I only had one cat when I was growing up . My father had very strong opinions and a deep rooted hatred of the creatures . We could have dogs , rabbits , chickens or goats , but he would not live with a cat . When I was in the sixth grade , our house was destroyed by a tornado . We moved into a rent house while we were rebuilding , and our dogs stayed at the old place , where they could run and play and watch the property . We went to feed and play with them every day , so we were not just abandoning them . Anyway , with the dogs in a different location I thought this would be the perfect time for me to get a kitten . I begged and pleaded with my dad until he finally gave in . My brother 's friend said he had some new kittens and we could have our pick . Now , I had this picture in my mind of a sweet little white kitten , named Chantal , after Sandra Dee in my favorite Bobby Darin - Sandra Dee movie . She would sleep curled up on my baby blue bedspread beside my baby blue princess phone and my world would be complete . When my brother , Jerry , and I went to pick out my kitten we were sent to the barn . We picked the one we could catch . It was yellow and dirty and MAD ! I thought , " Oh , you just need some warm milk and a bath " . The milk was a good choice , but the bath didn 't go that well . You know how sometimes you look at an old scar and wonder why your parents didn 't take you to get stitches ? Well I wonder why mine didn 't insist on skin graphs . Chantal turned out to be a very large male cat . He hated us . He would hide behind furniture or in the hallway and attack when you walked by . We lived every day in fear . All of us except Mom . For some reason he loved my mother . She called him Precious , and when he meowed you would swear he was saying Mama . He was a real Tom Cat , staying out all night onPosted by I have a hard time hatting people . I may think or say I hate someone who has committed some horrible deed , but I know I don 't mean it . For one thing , I suffer from Anne Frank syndrome , where I can 't help but believe everyone is basically good . Like maybe something bad from their childhood is causing them such mental anguish they must lash out at the world , but really they just need a hug . Remember Peter Pan 's little girl in Hook ? She told Captain Hook he needed a mommy . Also I know , to God , hating someone is the same as murder . Sometimes I do this thing where I imagine someone I think I may hate , being hurt . Even if it 's just hurt feelings , not actual punishment , I feel awful . I know a woman who , in the past , did things to hurt me and my daughter that were so ridiculous , well no one would believe it unless they were there . I thought I hated her , I really did . But then one day some women who went to high school with her told me about all the mean things they used to do to this woman and I wanted to cry . Lately she has had some hard times , divorce and loss , and I have to pray for her . I want her to know I do not delight in her suffering . I always get picked for jury duty , and I 'm the one who holds everything up , trying to justify the actions of the defendants . " He was just a kid , give him another chance " , or " People do desperate things when they are hungry " . Why do they keep picking me ? I can 't pass judgement on another 's life . But this guy yesterday , who shot and killed 13 people at Fort Hood , I felt like I hatted him . I prayed , God forgive me , but I have a hard time loving Muslims . What could be worse ? It 's not only hateful , it 's racial . I know God does not honor these feelings . He showed me in a dream last night , my ears were full of dirt and mud . He was saying , turn off the news and hear my voice . Listen with your heart . I will pray for this man and all Muslims every where . And I will pray that God will keep our hearts tender and open . What happens in this world isn 't what matters anyway . Do you remember the first time you said , " I love the Beatles " , and the person you were talking to said , " What are the Beatles " ? Or that day you realized you weren 't going to be a rock star or Broadway actor ? My point is , everybody is nobody to somebody . You have to have done something wonderful , like Lincoln , or horrible , like Hitler , for the world to recognize your name forever . Trust me , one day your grandchildren will say " Brittany who ? " When I was a little girl , I thought my grandfather was famous . He had a famous name , Francis Marion Bacon . But famous names kind of run in my family . Seriously , my father is Calvin Coolidge . Anyway , I don 't know if it was the way my mom and her siblings looked up to Grandpa or maybe it was the stories he told . He had been a bit of an outlaw before Jesus and my grandma changed his life . Both of his parents were half Native American , one Chickasaw , the other Choctaw . And his grandfather was a well known missionary in eastern Oklahoma . His mother died in childbirth and his father soon after was shot for being an Indian and riding his horse into a bar . And Grandpa grew up to be a bank robber . His wanted poster hung in post offices all over Oklahoma for some time . After some trouble , involving an unwed mother and her angry brother , he headed for Texas and never looked back . He rode with a man who was also hiding from the authorities , and married that mans daughter , my grandmother . They were married for sixty five years and had fourteen children . All this led to him becoming the grandfather of me , the apple of his eye . He died when I was only six , he was ninety . To this day , when someone says " unconditional love " first I think of Jesus , then I think of Grandpa . I am so glad God had grace for this man . People say a lot of things thinking they are quoting scripture . For example , cleanliness is next to Godliness . What does that even mean ? Or how about , God helps those who help themselves . I could preach an entire sermon on why God doesn 't need my help , as I have learned from experience , I tend to get in His way . But the one that has always bothered me is , The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away . You 've heard it a hundred times at funerals . It must come from the Bible , right ? I mean it sounds spiritual and the Lords actions even end with the holy " eth " , but I cant find it anywhere . Ive looked in my concordance and searched Bible Gateway and found nothing even close . If you are reading this and you know where in scripture it can be found , please leave a comment . I would like to know . The reason I started looking was , it 's not comforting . I don 't know what it is supposed to mean , but it is always quoted in times of loss . I thought maybe it was taken out of context . God has given me so much in my life , I would never accuse him of taking away anyone I loved and needed . A few years ago , there was an elderly woman in my church , who my kids referred to as " the smiley lady " . She was a very small framed lady who always wore a hat and gloves and homemade dresses . I am almost certain she lived with a cat named Sylvester and a bird called Tweety . She smiled all the time , that 's why my kids called her the smiley lady , and always had something the Lord had told her to say . After my daughter , Lauren died , she told me about loosing her son in the Vietnam war . With the smile never leaving her face , she said , " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away , He gives us joy and takes away our sorrows " . Now that made sense . He gives us peace and takes away our fear . He gives us health and takes away our sickness and He gives us life and takes away death . Posted by I went to a women 's retreat this weekend . I am too tired to know yet if I am refreshed and revitalized . It was fun , though , and I think I may have learned something . I just need a few days to sort it out . I was talking to a woman I had just met and said something about my daughter , Sarah . She said she had a Sarah too , and did mine live up to her " princess " name , as hers did . I said no , but thought about it later and wondered , when did princess become so derogatory ? What used to imply royalty , and was an affectionate name a father might call his daughter , now means spoiled and self centered . I really don 't like this . I don 't like the tight fitting tshirts with princess printed on the front or the shorts with it on the butt . I don 't know why we want to dress our girls like junior hookers or why we would raise them to take so much pride in being selfish and demanding . My Sarah is a princess . She is a kind and thoughtful servant , not unlike Cinderella . She is sweet and sensitive , as in The Princess and the Pea . And like Abraham 's Sarah , she is royalty , her daddy 's the King . I was about four or maybe five when this picture was taken . I , for some reason , feel very happy when ever I see it . I think it must have been a good day . There have been times all through my life when I have stopped to realize , I am very happy . I 'm not talking about overwhelming joy , caused by some wonderful event . More like the peaceful contentment when all is right with the world . Music seems to always trigger memories of these times . When I hear Sam Cooke sing , We 're Having a Party , I see my sister , Sherry and her husband Si dancing in our living room on Christmas Eve , 1964 . The Beatles , Hey Jude , takes me back to a warm summer night sleeping under the stars , with the best friends a sixth grader ever had . I remember July 4th , 1985 , Jon and I took our kids to the lake , like we did many times that summer . There was a sandy beach and swimming area for kids , and the local rock station broadcast from there . I was sitting on the beach , very pregnant , watching Eric and Sarah play . I suddenly thought , I am truly happy . Just then the baby started dancing in my belly as the radio played , Katrina and the Waves , I 'm Walking on Sunshine . Lauren was born six days later . Posted by This is a picture of my brothers as young boys watching TV , a scene that will be played out a million times over the next fifty years . I have six older brothers . I have been asked all my life , what was it like growing up with all those boys ? How did I survive ? Honestly , I cant imagine my life without them . Not that it was all so easy . Anytime there are that many kids in one house , there will be battles . One of my brothers has a fork prong shaped battle scar on his forehead . Family dinners are great , aren 't they ? I feel a little sorry for them . Had I been in competition with five sisters , I might not be so well adjusted . As much as I love baseball , because of my brothers , I hate football for the same reason . I believe it was invented so all males , young and old , have a reason to ignore me . Standing at the check out stand in the grocery store one day , I picked up a book on cats . I flipped through the pages and read " The unaltered male is extremely hard to live with . " I thought , " Wow is this from the Bible ? " If there is any wisdom I can pass on to a little sister of brothers it would be , always check to see if the toilet seat is down . And also , if your brothers say they want to work on your bike , they are just looking for spare parts . Up until this year I was living and working in a very small town south of here . Every Halloween the Down Town Association would hand out candy to the trick or treaters , starting about 5 : 00 , or sooner , if the kids showed up early . It was quite a sight . All those children and dogs in their costumes up and down the street . They were so thick the one and only policeman in town had to direct traffic . It was like Norman Rockwell painting . I think I will really miss it this year . I loved Halloween when I was a kid . My brothers and I had the best neighborhood to trick or treat in . There were big scary houses with gnarly old trees , and of course lots of crazy old ladies . Crazy old ladies make it Halloween , don 't they ? There was one house we went to every year , expecting to be eaten by the witch who lived there . We slowly and fearfully approached her big dark scary house , knocked on the door and waited . I swear , every year , she came to the door , talking about how she always forgets its Halloween and all she has is popcorn . Then she puts big handfuls of popcorn in each of our bags . We put ourselves through this for popcorn she handled with her bare hands . We had those hard plastic mask back then . The ones with the rubber band to hold them on your face . If the rubber band didn 't break before Halloween , it tangled and pulled your hair . It also was very hard to see out of the holes cut in the mask for eyes . Then there was the breathing thing . Between the hair pulling , being blind and asphyxiating it 's strange we never lost anyone . I have not been comfortable dressing up for Halloween since Ive been an adult . Someone always tries to talk me into it , but I just don 't care for the attention , I guess . One Halloween , a young woman I worked with , tried to get everyone to agree to wear a costume . We all kept saying no but I guess she thought we didn 't mean it . Every day she would say , " Sheila you 're gonna dress up , aren 't you ? " And I would say no . On the morning of Halloween , she walked in wrapped from head to toe like a mummy . She had oPosted by I just read a great book I would like to recommend . It was called The Help . Sorry I don 't remember the author and Ive already returned it to the library . It 's set in Jackson Mississippi 1963 . The book is written from the perspective of three different women . Two are black maids . The other , a young white woman who made the awful mistake of leaving O ' l Miss with a degree instead of a husband . I have never been a Feminist , but after reading this book , that may have been because I was too young to know it was bad when it was bad . It 's shocking to read what these women went through . And the lies people told to keep them down . My mother and I rode a bus to Washington DC in November of 1963 . Just the week before , I was sitting in my first grade class room , when my teacher tearfully announced , President Kennedy had been shot . We were being dismissed from school to be with our families . We were all so sad , but our parents were frightened . We didn 't know about all the civil unrest in the country . Hey , that was life before 24 hour cable news . Anyway , the trip to Washington had been planned for sometime before all of this , because my sister was getting an artificial heart valve courtesy of the U S Army . She was one of the first , if not the first to receive a new heart valve , and it was being done at Walter Reed hospital . Our trip began after dinner on Thanksgiving day . We rode the bus for two days and nights , down through the deep south and up to the east coast , all the way to Virginia . I was young but I did notice people and their rules changed from state to state . I remember a pretty young black women who sat with us and talked until we crossed into , let 's just say , one of the more southern states . Right on cue , she took her place at the back of the bus and didn 't make eye contact again . Another time , I woke up to shouting and cursing . The bus stopped and the police were there waiting to take someone away . I didn 't have any idea what was going on around me . Honestly in 1963 I had not seen very many black people in person . IPosted by I haven 't posted in several days . I meant for this blog to be more upbeat and I know I 've been a real downer lately . So I tried to wait until some of these feelings passed , but , forgive me , I just have to write them down . I hope this is the last one . You see it 's started again . This time every year kids around here start dying in car wrecks . The latest , a student from our local university , was killed by a drunk driver Saturday night . She was twenty and here from another state . About four years ago two students from that same school were killed in a wreck during Fall break . Both were friends of my daughter Lauren , and I knew the parents of the young man quite well . The other was a dancer . Ballet . She was the one that saddened me the most . I could just imagine her parents driving from New Mexico , knowing their daughter was dead . How hopelessly long that drive must have seemed . A year or so later that girls mother wrote me the sweetest letter when we lost Lauren . I never responded . It was too hard . I thought Lauren would be alive when we arrived . On the drive home , I went from wanting to shield my other two children from the pain , to wishing we had hit that deer in the road , had an accident and died without ever knowing what the very near future held . After the accident on Saturday I thought about this latest victim and her parents making that drive . The longest drive . I went to my water aerobics class tonight . My doctor suggested water aerobics after I hurt my back and it turns out I love it . Most of the people who go , are going for some kind of physical therapy . Tonight there was a new face in the crowd . She was someone I had known in another place and time , but I didn 't recognize her at first . She was always so cheerful , bright eyes , big smile . But tonight she had a blank stare and a forced smile when she saw me . After the class we were talking and she said she was coming to this class as part of her therapy . I asked what she needed therapy for , expecting her to say something about her back or knees , whatever . But then she looked at me and said depression . I don 't know how I didn 't see it . I wanted to know what happened , if anything , but knew I couldn 't ask . When my daughter died , I wondered if it showed on my face . I could be in a room full of people and felt so alone . My doctor gave me a prescription for antidepressants , but they didn 't take away the sadness , I just couldn 't cry anymore . I needed to cry , so I quit taking them . But they gave me that same look I saw on her face tonight . My heart broke for her . My backyard is covered in gold and brown leaves and the Rangers have played their last game of the season . It must be Autumn . A good friend of mine talks a lot about seasons , as in the seasons of our lives . You know , when we were young girls we were in Spring , then as young wives and mothers it was Summer . Now it is Autumn . This is supposed to be the best part of our lives . Our children are grown and some ladies I know even have grandchildren . Our homes are paid for and we actually have a little savings . It 's all about freedom now , or that 's what they say . Let 's see how it goes . I can 't help but wonder , is it the Autumn of our lives because , like the leaves on the trees , gravity has taken over and everything is going south ? Or maybe because we are shedding brain cells like the trees shed their leaves in the fall . At any rate I won 't have to face it alone . Ive got good friends like Estee Lauder and Mary Kay to help me , as I go kicking and screaming into Winter . Enjoy these burnt orange and gold days . |
August 16 , 2013 Amy Keeley The first part of The Baker 's Wife is now being put on Wattpad . I know some authors like to put their books up all at once , but I 'm going to update once a week , one scene at a time . If you 'd like to take a look , here 's the link : Krysilla didn 't want to open her eyes . Beside her , her husband , Lejer , slept peacefully , and would until long after the sun had risen . She hated him . Too tired to let it be anything more than a simmering resentment , she rolled out of bed and padded to her clothes , piled on top of a stool Lejer had once told her would be hers for sitting on and making herself pretty . No time for that . Time to work . She yanked on her clothes and tied the blue sash that marked her as a married woman around her waist with a practiced hand . Her bare feet made no noise as she descended to the first floor of the two - story house . The cold crept through her feet and wrapped around her ankles under her plain , heavy , wool skirt . Grabbing some wood , she stuffed it into the oven and drew in the air the spell that would light the fire . Closing her eyes , she tried to concentrate on the spell that would regulate the flames once the temperature was right for baking bread . Her arms felt heavy , and it took several tries of drawing the spell before she could feel it wrapping around the wood and flame together . Of course you can , Krysilla 's resentment whispered . Your husband does all the work so that the only magic you need to worry about is the kind you use on your house . Maybe you 'd be late on your family 's bread too if you had something else to worry about . It was a cold thought . She stuffed it away in her heart and forced her smile to grow . " That 's fine . Let 's go to the scales and see how much you owe me . " " Your husband , " Lily corrected a little too quickly . As if realizing her gaffe , she said , " I 'm sorry . You do the work , so of course I would pay you . " " No need to apologize . The business belongs to him . " Smile fixed in place now , she switched aprons and washed her hands . She weighed the dough on the shining scales , a square of paper underneath it . Krysilla paused . Was this an insult ? The hall had dust at least a half inch thick , dishes often waited until just before the next meal and laundry was … no . If she thought about laundry , what little energy she had would leave her . " I try my best . " Krysilla said nothing in response . Focusing on the scales , she closed her eyes and focused on the numbers the king had declared every baker must follow in order to be deemed trustworthy . With her finger , she drew them over the loaf . The spell curled into the dough , waiting to appear in full after the baking was done . Krysilla took note of the result in the spell and took out a piece of paper to write Lily 's receipt . Lejer should be doing this , she thought , remembering how it had been when they were first married . She trained in the oven room while he dealt with the customers . When she 'd learned that , they 'd switched and she 'd learned how to take care of that aspect until the day he woke her up and said , " I 'm too tired today , Krysilla . Be a comfort to me and work the oven today as well , please . " She hated her strength and clenched her jaw . " Here 's the amount you owe us and the number of the loaf . Do you want to put it in the oven yourself ? " Die , Krysilla almost said . " And how is your family ? " She picked up the dough , still wrapped in the paper and carried it into the oven room . This room was spotless . Not a speck of dirt or disorder could be seen . Every cleaning spell she knew went into this room and left her exhausted at the end of every day . Lily stepped into the room as if stepping into one of the old Tothsin shrines . " Doing well . My husband is going to take me to the market later today . The ships have come in . " Emissaries , with beautiful clothes and laughing smiles . People who had never known a day of work in their life . This time she couldn 't stuff the hatred down . It curled into her lips and made her chest tight with unshed tears . Forcing herself away from the thought of the emissaries , she thought of the other things the market brought : spices , flowers , herbs she could add to the garden . It had been a long time since the last ships had come , due to the heavy rain that made the river difficult to navigate . Lejer would let her go if she mentioned the spices . They were getting low . Krysilla nodded , thoughts of the market pulling her back . No , she thought . I have to get my work done first . The thought made her tired . There was always work to do . There was never any time to rest . But no one else could do it . Her husband couldn 't afford another servant even if he 'd wanted to bring one in . Years had gone by before he found a wife he trusted . Everyone in the village had thought he would never marry and adopt his heir instead . As one of the more conservative Tothsins , it wouldn 't be a surprise . Lily paid her and left . Others soon came , and Krysilla 's world became a blur of mixing , kneading , baking , weighing , and taking orders . There had been a time , she remembered , when it had been fun to knead the dough and shape it . Now , not even the order from Lady Felldesh for sweet buns , cake , and bread for an upcoming feast made her smile . She put the the paper the order was written on in her pocket without even glancing at what was needed . The sun was high above the house before she thought of dinner . Hurriedly grabbing some leftover dough from their bread , she shaped it and baked it . While it baked , she went to the kitchen in the back and rinsed the beans she had soaked the night before . Thank the Circle they were the kind that cooked quickly . Soon , a stew was heating up . Giving it a stir and using some wifely magic to keep it at a regular temperature until it was done , she went back to the oven room to finish the orders , then went upstairs to fill her husband 's washbasin with hot water . And then , as sometimes happened , there was nothing for her to do . Her husband stirred upstairs and she heard him walk around the room as he got dressed . Was the ale where she 'd left it for him ? Must have been . He didn 't mutter as he came down the stairs . " Ah . " She stared at the oven . " We got an order from Lord Felldesh . " She took the paper out of her pocket and handed it to him . Still a little unsteady from sleep , he walked over and took it , running one hand through his hair as he read . He said nothing , only made little grunts and sounds of thought as he read it . Krysilla 's exhaustion increased . There were times she thought the only reason he married her was because she had taken care of her family after her father had died . Her mother should have , but she 'd been so overcome by grief it wasn 't worth even asking . She felt the pouch that contained the cinnamon . " We might have enough for a batch or two . " He sighed . You could always start working in the bakery again , she nearly said . But she 'd only said that once and had regretted it ever since . The silence was too much to bear . " Well , I guess it 's a good thing the ships have come in today . Otherwise , we 'd be in serious trouble . We might have had to back out of the order . " Everything else was as it had been for the past few years . He put on his dark blue vest that marked him as a married man , and ate dinner with her . They talked of business and accounts and bread until the meal was done and then he left her to clean up while he went to speak with the cook at Felldesh Keep about the order . He often left in the afternoon , either drinking , or talking with the men by the fountain , or going out to the woods to remember his place in the world , as a good Tothsin should . At first , Krysilla had been confused by the amount of time he had begun to stay away from home . She 'd hint that it would be nice for them to sit in front of the fire and talk , as she 'd seen her parents do before her father died . He 'd humored her once , but it had been awkward . At the end , he 'd laughed and asked if she expected him to give her comfort now instead . It was just the market , she thought , and pulled her long black hair out of its bun . She carefully twisted it into a braided rope that hung down her back . A few strands fell down on her forehead , unruly as always . She thought of putting on shoes , but decided against it . The ground would be muddy from the spring rains and only ruin the things . It would be better to save them for a special occasion . Instead , she put on her clogs and filled the handcart with deliveries . Each one brought her closer to the main road , the one that led to the river and the market . It took two hours before she could see the canopies that sheltered the goods the merchants sold . It took another half hour before she reached the edge of the encampment . The roads were too narrow among the canopies , too packed . She found an empty space for her cart and took a small basket with her . If she needed anything put in the cart , she would have the merchant 's servant , or perhaps the merchant himself , bring it . She slowly walked through the innumerable colors of the market , her initial glee turning into a slow form of torture . Everywhere she turned there was something to make her smile . Everywhere she turned , there was something to remind her of all the things she didn 't have . Everywhere she turned , there were people who easily bought things she had to refrain from touching . Ever since the beginning of the Tothsin Age , when magic could be broken up into specialties assigned ( and limited ) to a trade , the spell merchants had become increasingly powerful . Some used their position to spy on those who wanted to learn more than what they should , and some used their position to gain money from those who wanted to know more than what their trade decreed . Krysilla had always been on the lookout for the latter . Her gaze lingered on that title . When she had been young , before her father died , she had found a few pages from a locksmithing book . Curious , and unaware of the consequences if she should be caught , she 'd learned what she could . Once she 'd gotten somewhat good at it , she tried to show off for a boy she liked . She considered buying the locksmith books as well . But she didn 't know where this merchant stood or what he might do . And she didn 't have time to stand around and wait . The sun was starting to get low in the sky . Instead , she bought the oven book , with its different perspective on the proper way to attach spells to the fire that baked the bread . Feeling miserable , she slowly trudged down the street . Lejer would be disappointed . What he 'd taught her was the culmination of years of baking . There was no need for a book when she had a teacher of his expertise . The sound of a fiddle drifted over the crowd , a light , happy tune , and she wandered to it . Minstrels rarely came this far out , preferring the more populous cities , and citizens didn 't make their own music . The magic surrounding it was considered too wild and unpredictable for commoners to make on their own . The music stopped and she did as well . Then , she noticed a small crowd that had gathered , clapping their hands politely for the musician . Walking over to it , she tried to see who had decided to come all this way just to play for the crowd at a backwater market . " Thank you , " she heard a man say . His smooth voice was music itself , calm and melodic . Is this the beginning of the charm ? she wondered . Minstrels , her father had once said , could bind people with their songs if they chose . That was why so many of them only played for nobles , the few who could protect themselves . She waited for the spell to catch . Nothing . It must only be a tale , she thought , and moved closer until she could see the man who belonged to the voice . Wild , wavy hair somewhere between gold and brown framed a face more handsome than she 'd expected . Her eyes widened , drinking in the sight of his slow , full smile , his brilliant , aquamarine eyes that sparkled as he lifted the fiddle to his shoulder . Those eyes scanned the crowd and paused at her . No , it was the music itself . That explained why the crowd had grown . There were no illusions , and a musician who played as well as this without using magic was a very rare thing . Lifting up her eyes again , she listened as the music changed . What had begun as mournful slowly added an undercurrent of anger , growing as the song progressed . She closed her eyes , the music saying everything about her life that she wanted to say and couldn 't . Pain and anger mixed with despair , as the notes became increasingly discordant and the melody more complex . She couldn 't move as he played through the emotions that made up her daily life . She felt the final cry of his fiddle in her heart and nearly doubled over from the pain . " Thank you , " she heard him say . " Thank you very much . I 'm honored . And now , let 's pick up the pace . " She had managed to get past the crowd just as the first notes of a rousing dance tune filled the air . He must use magic , she thought , though she hadn 't felt any . But she didn 't know of any magic that could let a person view inside another . As far as she knew , it didn 't exist . Clutching her purchases , she forced herself to walk , not run , back to the handcart . She didn 't look back at the gaily colored canopies as she threw her items in . It would have been a blur of colors anyway through the tears . With a hard yank , she pulled the cart away and pushed with all she had . " Control is important , " she whispered to herself . " Control is everything , in magic and life . If you do not have control of yourself , how can you hope to master magic ? " They were words every child raised in Tothsin beliefs knew , and everyone was a Tothsin now . It 's like having a secret told to a room full of strangers , she thought . And she wasn 't naive enough to think he cared . The fiddler had probably seen her , made a few educated guesses , and played something that he thought might get him an extra coin . It was her own reaction that told him he was right , if he 'd even bothered to look for it afterward . The sun was getting low in the sky . She sighed . It would be impossible for her to make it home before dark . The night air chilled her , but she only hugged herself in response . Lejer stayed out late sometimes as well . Maybe it would be good for her to be late for once . Show him how it feels . She closed her eyes . The music had gotten to her more than she wanted to admit , she decided . A wife is a comfort to her husband . No matter how often he stays out or how long , she must always be waiting for him . Looks drunk , she thought , watching him stumble a little as he walked . Probably celebrated a successful day 's work . That made sense . Playing like he did , he probably looked for women to join in the celebration afterward , preferably unhappily married ones . Everyone knew minstrels , men and women , had friends who were something more in every town . Only the ones who stayed with the nobles showed enough self - control to have families . Vagrants like this … Krysilla bent down her head and pushed a little faster . The sooner she got away from him , the better . She only took a few paces herself before she also stopped . Turning around , she saw him staring at the ground in front of him . He didn 't look up as he stumbled to the river 's edge . He reached the edge and swayed forward , then back , still staring at the ground . It was only when she caught up with him , breathless from running , that he looked at her . " Village ? " he said , his eyes struggling to focus on her . He shook his head . " How far ? I have … an appointment to keep . Must . Keep . " He closed his eyes and swayed again , this time to the side , and this time he fell onto the tall , shore grass . For a moment , Krysilla stared at him . She 'd been so embarrassed by his music 's touch that she hadn 't fully appreciated how handsome he was in his dark violet minstrel 's vest , so dark it was almost black , with the white handkerchief in the pocket that announced to the world he was unattached . She knelt down next to him , then looked up . The King 's Dogs , men trained in terrible arts forgotten even by nobles , kept watch over the roads , but some stretches were better kept than others . In daylight , the danger was minimal , but at night , when torches made for easy targets , a woman lured off the road might be easy prey . Looking back down at the stranger , she frowned . She doubted he 'd have anything to do with robbers . Unless , she considered , it was part of his act . I may be a married woman , she decided , but the road is a public place . It 's perfectly acceptable for me to speak with an unmarried man here . And if anyone is wondering what I 'm doing in the tall grass with him , I 'll ask for help . " Sir . You have to wake up , sir . " She tapped his cheeks , then pressed her hands against his skin . Too dry , she thought , and wondered how he 'd managed to come down ill so quickly . Unless he was fighting this off while he played this afternoon . " Sir , you 're ill . I can carry you in my cart , but you 'll have to help me get you there . " His eyes focused briefly on her face and he nodded . She wrapped his arm around her shoulder , bearing his weight as he got to his feet . They reeled back and forth as they walked to the cart . We must both look drunk , she thought , and looked down the road both ways . Far off behind them she could see someone , but they were very far off . Pulling out the burlap she kept to cover goods as they traveled , she knelt down and used her hands to give him something to step on . He practically fell into her cart , moaning as he laid down . Running back to the river , she grabbed his fiddle case and laid it down beside him . Covering him as best she could with the burlap , she went back to pushing the cart toward the village , already forming a list of things she would need to heal him . Few passed her on the way . Of those who did , most were too caught up in their own thoughts or merriment to care about the married woman with a man in a cart . Only one looked in , a rotund , red - faced blob on top of a horse who said , " Had a bit too much fun tonight , eh ? " " Yes , I am , " she whispered , hating the lie , and pushed faster . Still , it was after dark when she got home . Perhaps , she thought as she looked at the homes around them , this is a good thing . Darkness meant she could push the cart to the back . If she made any noise , the neighbors wouldn 't be able to make her or the man out clearly . They might even assume it was her husband , though Lejer was a little taller and thicker around the middle . The clothes look the same in the dark , she told herself as she pulled the burlap away from the feverish minstrel . And the vest … no one would be able to tell the color of the vest in this light . Climbing inside , she shook the man . Leaning close to his ear , she whispered , " Sir ? Sir , we 're here . You have to get up again . " She jumped down from the cart and grabbed a three - legged stool . " Here . " It took a moment for her to help him find it and another for him to actually step down from the cart . He leaned heavily against her as they walked to the house until she wasn 't sure he 'd be able to make it up the stairs . Closing the door , she finally felt safe enough to talk to him in something more than a whisper . " Sir ? I 'm sorry . I understand you don 't feel well , but you 'll have to keep going . " " Not with a fever like that . " She touched his cheek , still burning hot , and began to feel some panic . " Sir , " she said , her voice firm , " I can 't carry you to the spare room . I can help you , but there are stairs and - " " - you 're dehydrated . If we don 't get the fever down , you could die . And wouldn 't that be bad for whoever you need to meet ? Now , please , get up . " She waved her hand . Lights turned on down the hall , lights provided by the lord of the region for every resident . King 's Lights , they were called . She grabbed the stranger 's arm and prayed he would at least try to stand . At first she didn 't think he would . His arm felt limp and his eyes stayed closed . Panicked now , she gave one strong tug . As if rousing from a dream , he started . Leaning on her once more , she managed to guide him down the hall to the stairs . She stopped , the minstrel leaning on her , her eyes wide as she saw Lejer stumble to the chair in the kitchen . " Krysilla , " he called out . " Ale , Krysilla ! " Ignoring him , she was about to help the stranger up the stairs when he pulled away . Instead of collapsing , the stranger looked at her , somewhat more coherent than before . " Go . I 'll stay here . " She hurried down the hall to the kitchen , leaving the stranger at the foot of the stairs . Her cheeks burned with embarrassment . What would he think of her now with Lejer yelling like that ? Breathless , she grabbed the doorjamb to stop herself . " What do you need ? " Is the spare room anywhere near the ovens ? she wanted to snap . Knowing that logic wouldn 't work very well at this point in his drunkenness , she ignored him . " You said you wanted ale ? " She walked quickly to the pantry and got a small bottle he kept for nights like this when he wanted a little something before bed . " He has to leave . " Ignoring the ale , he rolled to the side as he tried to get from the kitchen to the hall , knocking over a stack of dishes in the process . She cringed as they shattered . With a wave she picked them up and put them in the trash bin . " I 'll get him out of the house . But you need to go to bed . " He nodded . A thought flit through her head , a memory of a time when he would have joked that all he wanted warming his bed was her . That had been very early in their marriage and had been gone before one season had changed to another . Even then , she remembered , it had been halfhearted . Heart pounding , she looked at the front door . No time to search for him . If she didn 't make sure Lejer was comfortably sleeping off the ale , the stranger most certainly wouldn 't be staying here tonight . Running up the stairs , she heard Lejer began to sing his favorite drinking song : Lovely Lisbet , a sad tune about a young woman married off against her will to a fearsome lord - magician , while the young man who truly loved her made plans to steal her away . At the top of the stairs now , she threw open the door to the master bedroom . A soft , low , melodic voice singing the same tune Lejer sang drifted from one of the spare bedrooms . Racing into her own , she threw a warmed brick under the covers and ran back to the hall . The stranger 's singing had stopped . Walking quietly down the hall , she checked the three guest rooms they had , one by one . In a room filled with blues and greens that made her think of the river or the sea , the stranger lay on top of the bed 's covers , one foot firmly on the floor and the other leg bent so that his boot didn 't touch the quilted cover . Glad to see he was still here , she ran back down to Lejer , still singing at the top of his lungs the sad tune . He 's about to get to the part where he cries , she thought . As expected , by the time she reached him , tears had begun to roll down his face . " Yes , it is . " She 'd asked him once why he sang it , but he acted as if he had no idea , so she 'd let it go . He was heavier than the minstrel but more coherent and a little more coordinated . It didn 't take long to get him up to the top of the stairs , or into bed to sleep it off . She had removed the warming stone and was just in the process of pulling the covers over him as he lay down when he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her to him . Surprised , she stiffened in his grasp , eyes wide and breath coming in small snatches . It had been years since he 'd wanted her like this . " G ' night . " Confused , she tried to keep her steps quiet on the cold wood floor . Closing the door until only a sliver of light remained , she tried not to run back to the stranger . Running would make noise . The law required she get a healer , someone who had been licensed in using magic to heal . There was only one exception . The farmers were allowed to use healing magic since it was tied to herbs , and herbs grew in the ground . Anything that grew in the ground was available to a farmer . And I have a person who could die before the morning comes , she replied as she stoked the fire and warmed a small pot of water over it . Taking out a couple of pieces of wood in the kitchen 's floorboard , she pulled out a small bottle of tincture . Holding it between her palms , she felt the fire of the herbs flowing through them . Just a little to start , she remembered , adding only that to the water before putting the small bottle in the pocket of her skirt . Pouring only a small stream into the small pot , she closed her eyes . In her mind , she saw sparks of light swirling inside the warm water . Focusing on that fire , she reached out and , with a wave of her hand , made it swirl faster . Then , like the fire in the oven , she focused on the spell that would strengthen the medicine 's ability to regulate the temperature . Done with preparing the infusion , she smiled . The fire in the herb would warm the body and help kill the infection . She 'd done this many times when she was ill and Lejer was out . With soft steps to the cupboard and back , she poured the infusion into a ceramic cup , one she kept specifically for this purpose and the only thing she 'd ever begged from Lejer . She 'd found it worked best with infusions , better than earthenware or wood . Setting the cup on a small table near the stairs , she gently detached one of the King 's Lights from the wall and held it by its wooden handle . Up the stairs she went , cup in one hand , light in the other , each creaking step making her cringe and wince . The last thing she needed was Lejer awake and shouting at her . Down the hall she crept until she got back to the blue room where the stranger lay . Quietly setting the glowing light in a sconce , she put the cup on the nightstand . " Sir ? " Her eyes widened . His cheeks were bright scarlet now and he seemed to be having trouble breathing . Shaking him roughly now , she said , " Sir ? I 've brought something from the healer . " His head rolled back and forth , his eyes twitching as if they were about to open , but didn 't . She reached forward and lifted his head . The scent of spices , warm , rich and exotic , filled her nostrils , the scent of markets and traveling and she closed her eyes . It was a wonderful scent . Trying to ignore it , she waved her hand over the cup and did something she hadn 't done since she was a young girl taking care of an ailing sister . She visualized the water as dough and pinched with her fingers . A small glob of water separated and lifted . He jumped up the moment it did , sucking down breath , eyes wide . " It 's okay , " she told him , putting her hands on his shoulders . The stranger 's incredulous glare almost made her laugh . " Oh , don 't worry , I 'm not trying to kill you . " His shoulders stiffened , and she couldn 't help wondering if someone had tried to do just that in his past . I know nothing about you , she thought as he relaxed back on the bed , eyes closing . He rolled over on his side , boots still not touching the quilt . Hands on her hips , she frowned . He had to get under the covers , which meant his boots had to come off . The problem was that , as she looked at them , they didn 't seem to be ordinary boots . On the soles , she could make out inscriptions , circles and squares and lines and curves that she didn 't recognize but that felt as if they were magical . And familiar , though she didn 't know how . Some of the lines were worn thin , probably from walking down roads many times , as she 'd seen him do before he collapsed . The question was , why were they there ? Every spell she 'd seen or used never needed a mark . You drew them with your hands or your fingers . Was it a reference , like the images used in spellbooks ? It might . But she 'd heard stories of the lords and ladies , how they drew symbols on items and it worked the same as if the symbols had been drawn in the air . Curious , she looked carefully at the King 's Light for symbols . Nothing . She tried again , glad he was sitting up . It allowed her to tug harder and get them off quicker . That done , she was at a loss of what to say now that he was somewhat awake . She needn 't have worried . Without giving a sign she existed , the minstrel got up and pulled back the covers himself , burrowing under the quilts . He didn 't bother to take off his cloak , and neither did Krysilla . So tired , she thought . But it was with a smile that she opened the vent that diverted the residual heat from the oven below into the guest room . One of the good things about being the wife of a baker . Propriety dictated she should close the door now , with her on the side he wasn 't . It was bad enough that she had allowed the minstrel to stay when her husband had specifically said he wanted the man gone . She 'd pay for that with a lecture the next day , or a Lejer so angry he 'd spend all day and most of the night at the pub . No different from now , a snide voice whispered . And yet , she could tell from the stranger 's posture that he was now fighting chills . She 'd never encountered a situation where a healing spell didn 't take the first time , but she had only given him a little and it had been a long time since she 'd tried to heal someone else . It might take a few more doses before his body started to regulate itself again . It wasn 't right to leave him before she knew he was out of the worst of it . Putting the light back in the sconce , she cracked the door open , even though it would let some of the warmth out . Better that than the things a closed door would imply . Quietly , she took out the small watch her mother had given her as a wedding present . Taking note of the time , she sat down in a small chair in a corner , one built for rocking a baby that refused to go to sleep . Laying the open watch in her lap , she took a nearby shawl , also kept for the same purpose as the chair , and wrapped herself in it . Just think of him as the child you never had , she told herself . But when she held his heavy head , felt the breadth of his shoulders as she helped him sit up , it was impossible to believe that , or to be unaware of the scandalous circumstances she was creating . But each time she gave him another dose of the infusion she felt no guilt or shame . He was ill , and she could no more ignore him than any other creature in this green world . She didn 't bother to do more than strip down to her underthings . Climbing under the covers , she snuggled next to her husband , trying to get some of his warmth without waking him up . He was always a bear when he 'd been drinking . In spite of her exhaustion , sleep didn 't come easily . Each faint creak from the house woke her . Each murmur of the wind wove itself through her dreams and in those dreams she was standing at the edge of a chasm . In its depths , the river swirled , white foam crashing against sharp rocks . She wanted to step back , and yet she knew if she did , it would be worse for her . The wind blew her closer to the edge , her bare feet gripping the rock because there was nothing nearby for her to hold onto . Slipping out of bed , she got dressed with shaking fingers . It still felt as if the edge of the chasm was at her feet and she was about to fall in . Grabbing a brush , she worked the tangles out of her hair before braiding it . " Yes ? " Would he ask about the stranger ? Krysilla moved closer to the door , ready to bar it if Lejer tried to throw an ill man out in the cold , stranger or not . She relaxed . " All right . " Slowly closing the door behind her , she heard him call her again . Trying not to sound annoyed , she answered , " Yes ? " " I 'll make sure the inspector gets the report on all the ovens . " She tried to close the door again . He started talking and she bit both lips to keep her frustration in check . She went downstairs and started the fires for the ovens , moving as if she had slept well for months . In the kitchen , she made a thick porridge , then poured it into three bowls . Two , she put on the table . One , she put to the side and covered with a clean cloth . She had gotten to the top of the stairs when she thought that , and stopped entirely , porridge still in her hand , burning it . The pain forced her to move . He wouldn 't leave , she told herself . He had a fever . She opened the door to the Blue Room , her stomach in knots . The stranger hadn 't moved since she last saw him . She let go of a breath she had thought she wouldn 't hold , her relief making her hand tremble as she set the porridge down on the nightstand . For one insane moment , she wondered what life would be like , married to the minstrel . Probably full of mismatched schedules and worry , she told herself . And yet , it would be so easy to think it might work . His hair caught the early rays of sunlight that filtered through a gap in the curtains , shimmering gold and brown . He stirred and her heart stopped at the sight of it . Hold it together , girl , she told herself . He rolled on to his back and she could almost hear their morning conversations . As if you would be any less tired around him , her more practical side said , drowned out in the sight of his eyes slowly opening . " It 's safe . " Had to be . It had spent all night covered in the back of a cart owned by the most conscientious man in the village . Lejer never left anything out . " And I thank you for healing me . " Whatever flirtation she 'd received from him before , at the market , no longer existed in his aquamarine eyes . Or were they gray ? " But I really must be gone . " From below , she heard the ring of the bell that announced a customer . Her head turned and one foot stepped toward the door from habit . The rest of her stayed put . Can you stop drinking so much ? She had to bite her lips to keep the words from tumbling out . Running down the stairs , she got to the bottom by the third ring . Four days away . And on a New Moon , a day most people took off . The day before would be extremely busy with requests for extra bread . She 'd have her hands full just trying to keep pace with the regular demand . Bitterness rose in her heart once more . Of course they wouldn 't know how busy we are , living in their fine palace . Her smile tight , she thanked the servant for the information and assured him they would be ready . Without taking his eyes from the ceiling , he nodded and left . Didn 't even seem to notice me , she thought and charged back up the stairs just as Lejer was backing out of the Blue Room . He must have heard her approach because he turned and , with eyes wide , pointed inside the room . " I told you to get rid of him . " Little girl . For many years , Krysilla had borne degrading words like this with silence . It had been easy enough . They were rarely around others at the same time , and when they were Lejer rarely spoke to her . Now , though , now that she had been embarrassed in front of a servant of Lord Felldesh and , more importantly , in front of the minstrel , something in her snapped . Hands on her hips she said , " Do you want your wife wandering the streets with a strange man ? " " That would certainly be good for business , wouldn 't it ? " She spat the word " business " as if it were a curse . " ' Look at Lejer 's wife . What 's that man doing leaning on her shoulder ? Why , she didn 't even bother to take off her blue sash . ' " She stayed in place , afraid that if she moved , she would see the minstrel 's face . These were the kinds of words no good wife would say . These were the things that only came out of the mouth of a harridan , a woman who nagged her husband day and night until he ran away to the pub . And proof that she had never used words like this was in Lejer 's stare , as if she had been replaced by someone else while he slept . He didn 't move . Terrified of what more the minstrel might see or hear , she gestured for him to follow her into their room . Once he was inside , eyes still wide and staring at her as if she 'd been replaced with a horrifying Ornic , she continued , and tried to stay calm while doing it . " We 've both stayed here when we were sick . We go to the healer , take the herbs , and at most , take a day off and sleep upstairs . If we had children , would you expect me to send them off - " She stopped , unsure how to read his tone . Was he trying to understand her ? " No . " Ignoring the pain that question caused , she pushed on . " I 'm just trying to point out that we aren 't risking anything by having him here until he 's well enough to travel . " " No ! And you 're lucky to still have a place here instead of getting sent back home for the way you spoke to me just now . " Grabbing his coat and cloak , he opened the door . " He 'll be gone before I come back or I 'll throw him out myself . " She sighed and descended the stairs with him . At the foot stood Lily , a baby on her hip and one hand holding a basket . The baby sneezed . Lejer didn 't chase them out . She had expected Lejer to be angry . Men were expected to guard the secrets of their trade and Lejer had made a point of guarding them so well that no one was able to make bread like him . Not even his wife , though she came close if the number of customers they still had was any indication . She hadn 't expected him to threaten to send her back . That was a fate usually reserved for unfaithful wives . Unless , she thought , he doubts me . Lily laughed . " What an odd question . Do you know most of the women ask that ? Even I asked that . But my husband tells me no one knows because it 's a custom now for musicians to cover themselves with invisibility as they play . " " Oh , yes . With many minstrels from the area . Some , I 've heard , have even traveled great distances for the honor , with the largest number of fiddlers any court , except perhaps the king 's , has ever had before . " The minstrel , fully dressed , stepped into view . He still looked exhausted , and his wavy hair hadn 't been properly combed , but he was still as handsome as when she 'd first seen him . In fact , his unruly hair gave him a rakish appearance that was far too attractive for any woman 's heart . Krysilla wasn 't sure whether to laugh or pout when Lily gazed at him with a look that said she had all the time in the world . That magnetic smile could melt the coldest of hearts , she decided and tried to avoid looking at it herself . " Your order , Lily ? " Lily took it , only half aware of her surroundings . Only when her children began begging her to stop at the carpenter 's on the way home to see the models did she appear to come back to her senses . Krysilla watched her dissemble , rattling off a list of errands , until the door shut . " You noticed her blue sash . " Maybe he would play at the Felldesh manor on New Moon . She wanted to ask . She wanted to learn more about him . But she thought of the way he flirted with Lily and frowned . Anyone who ignored promises , especially those tied to the blue sash , was not someone she should trust . That she was tempted to ignore those very promises herself was something she tried not to think about . " The bread has to go in the oven first . I 'll get your fiddle after it 's in . " He followed her out to the ovens and watched patiently as she put the bread in . Tension knotted her stomach as she waved her hands in the spell that would write on the outside of the oven when the loaf was done . She shouldn 't be doing this while he watched . If he caught her meaning , he didn 't show it . He opened the case and took out the gleaming fiddle . Close - up , Krysilla loved watching the sunlight dance through the polished wood as Parlay turned it this way and that . Taking up the bow , he tucked the fiddle under his chin and plucked the strings , turning the pegs to change the pitch until he appeared satisfied . Putting it away , his smile returned . With a sly , sidelong glance , he said , " You can ask me if you like . " Krysilla shook her head and walked back to the house . " We all know each other in this town . It would be wise not to get tangled up in blue sashes while you 're here . " She paused at the door , remembering the affection in Lily 's voice when she spoke of her husband . " If you feel you must pay me something , don 't hurt my friends . " In spite of her fear that she would melt at the sight of him , she forced herself to glare at his handsome form . His flirtatious glances had been replaced entirely now by calculation . He was summing her up ; she knew it . When he did smile , he said nothing . He bowed , then turned and , shoulder strap once more wrapped twice around his hand , walked away . All the rest of the morning became a blur of customers and orders , with thoughts of the events early this morning weaving through them . When the sun was high and it was time for dinner , Krysilla had almost put Parlay out of her mind . Almost . " Good . " Lejer leaned forward and breathed in the aroma of the pottage . " I 've been thinking it might be good to have a vegetable stew for New Moon . " He began to eat . Her anger from before made her clench her jaw . She breathed in deep , trying to relax . " If we have a new oven , will I have an assistant in the bakery ? " His eyes narrowed . A shiver of fear ran through her stomach , but she held firm . Another oven meant more work and she didn 't think she could do much more without breaking . " I 'm tired , Lejer . " It was the first time she had complained in the seven years they had been married . Tears of exhaustion sprang to her eyes . " I owe you a debt , " came Parlay 's bright , cheerful response . " In fact , I owe you two . As a way of repaying you , I have gotten permission for you and your wife to listen to the musical extravaganza at the manor of Lord Felldesh on New Moon . I would also like to give you and your friends a private concert tonight at a place of your choosing . " Trying to appear as if she didn 't care and that Parlay hadn 't interrupted anything , Krysilla sat down at the table and began organizing it . A cobweb caught her eye and she quietly waved it away with magic that really should be saved for the bakery . The effort almost made her miss Lejer 's expected response to Parlay 's offer . If Parlay was surprised , he didn 't show it . " I thought you might say that . So , I took the liberty of asking if you might , with her ladyship 's approval , listen from the salon next to the room . It 's her ladyship 's personal room , where she sometimes retires when a dinner has proved too much for her delicate constitution . " Aren 't we good enough for the main room ? Krysilla waited for her husband to say those words , but nothing came . She looked up and saw him staring at Parlay as if he was trying to figure out the minstrel 's game . " All right , " he finally said . Shocked , Krysilla watched her husband fold his arms over his blue vest and lean against the door frame . " I 'm not about to subject my friends and family to your playing , though . " The bell rang . Confused , Krysilla got up to answer it . As she did , she noticed he now wore the strap of his fiddle case over his shoulder , as he should have done before . For a moment , as he took the strap from his shoulder , their eyes met , and his smile grew . A blush dusted her cheeks and she hurried to the front . Had she forgotten to turn it ? Walking up to it , she reached out to do so when she felt the faint tingle of magic along its edges . Someone had turned it back to the side that said they were open using magic . As if enchanted , she let her fingers linger on the edge of the sign , wishing she had the training of a manor - born lady . It was said they could tell not only the kind of magic used , but who had used it . And Krysilla wanted to be sure before she confronted the one she thought might be behind it . The sound of Lejer 's clapping , along with two or three other pairs of hands reminded her of her surroundings . Quickly turning the sign to its proper side , she walked back to the kitchen . A small group had formed in the distance and were waiting for more . " Thank you . " Parlay closed the case and bowed low . " Until tonight . " Turning in Krysilla 's direction , he bowed again , not quite as low this time . Neither spoke until Parlay had left . Lejer took a deep breath . " Well ! " Grinning from ear to ear , he put on his coat . " I 'd better spread the word . Thomas across the street will be green with envy that I managed to get a private concert from a minstrel of that quality . Is he playing for the Felldesh manor ? " Lejer looked around the kitchen . " Krysilla , if we 're going to have company , we 'll need to have the place fixed up . Do what you can , and bake some treats . I 'll see if I can 't get some more business out of this . " He 'll be here tonight , the more insane part of her thought as she cleaned that afternoon before she went on deliveries . She would hear him play and hear his voice and see his smile . Just thinking of that brought a smile of her own to her lips . I 'm a mom and writer who loves reading ( naturally ) , cleaning ( on occasion ) , organizing ( a must with a family of nine ) , and studying frugality ( also a must with a family of nine ) . When I have time , I sew a little , knit a little , and read manga a lot ( in English ) . I have no pets of any kind . View all posts by Amy Keeley Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . fantasy free stories online literature magic and romance sweet romance The Baker 's Wife Wattpad Post navigation Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 23 , 2017Categories TaleLeave a comment on Shared from WordPress The day the Sea stood still One day the Sea got tired of always going back and forth , back and forth , back and forth . And so , it stopped . The Wind blew harder and harder hoping to make her friend move again , but the effort was in vain , for the Sea had decided it was time to rest . The Wind asked : ' Why aren 't you dancing with me anymore ? ' Gently , the Sea answers : ' Because I 'm tired . All of these centuries moving up and down , touching the sand and running away , only to come back up and touch it once more , always rising and falling , and for what ? ' ' I don 't know ' , whispered the Wind , ' but I like dancing with you . Goodbye old friend , I shall go looking for another dancing partner ' . ' Goodbye ' , answer the Sea . The Wind went away , not expecting to return . The day crossed the sky until it dived into the Western horizon . From the other side the night was born . And with it came the the Moon , full and white , her pale light gently caressing the dark waters , impatiently waiting for the Sea to rise to look at her . But the Sea didn 't rise . Partly frustrated , partly intrigued , she asked : ' Why don 't you rise to admire me tonight ? ' , to which the Sea replied : ' My dear Moon , for ages and ages , every day and every night I used to rise to more closely look at you and each time I would fall back down again to admire your amazing beauty against the starry sky . But after all these years I am old and tired , and I need to rest . ' With great sadness the Moon said : ' My dear Sea , how I will miss your devoted admiration ! ' And so the Moon , vain as she was , spent her time admiring her own image in the calm watery mirror of the Sea . But she soon got bored now that she had lost her favourite admirer , and quickly crossed the sky to go to bed . As soon as she disappeared , the day came up again . The Sun didn 't understand why the night had been so short , but he didn 't mind and actually enjoyed it , for it gave him a lot more time to reign in the sky . And then , the Men arrived . They came in large wooden ships , with big pearly sails , always rowing , and rowing and rowing . They had to row because they couldn 't use their sails without Wind . They rowed until they didn 't have the strength to row anymore . In a moment of despair one of the Men shouted to the sky : ' Where are you Wind ? Why aren 't you here to fill our sails ? ' A seagull that was passing by responded : ' The Wind left because the Sea refuses to dance ' . At first , the Men didn 't quite believe in it but , after several months of waiting for a breeze that never appeared , they gave up and , just like the Wind and the Moon , they also decided to leave . The Sea was now all alone . Even the clouds didn 't visit him , for the clouds need Wind to travel . The days became longer and hotter , for the Moon was easily bored by the Sea 's monotonous company . After months of excruciating heat and unbearable solitude , the Sea , missing his friends , reconsidered his decision . Even though he was disappointed in his friends for leaving him , he realised that he really enjoyed dancing with the Wind , gazing at the Moon and being tickled by the Men 's ships . He decided that he would move again , even if it was exhausting to him . And so he did . The first one to notice was the Moon , who was delighted to have her dedicated lover back . That night lasted the equivalent of two days , for they missed each other very much . When the Moon finally went to sleep and the Sun , who was very upset for having to wait for so long , finally came up again , the Sea wondered what he could do to bring back the Wind . He eventually decided to ask the birds to go look for her . They went to land , returning hours later with the Wind in their wings . The Wind was very happy to have her old dance partner again , and so they danced like never before . All of this dancing was very noisy , for the waves were very big and were crashing madly against the rocks . When the Men heard this , they rapidly got inside the ships and sailed to the Sea to celebrate . The Sea wasn 't alone anymore . From that day forward , the Sea never stopped again . Sometimes he 's in a quieter mood , other times he may be in a great big rush , but he is always rising and falling , going and coming . Never again will he stay still , so that never again he will be alone . Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags bed time story , children , fairy tale , fiction , nature , sea , story , TaleLeave a comment on The day the Sea stood still Trimmed Wings Cages of steel and stone made especially for birds of trimmed wings , who have long ago forgotten that they can even fly . Long , raised beaks that block their view and heavy curved nails that nail them to the ground so they can only walk , and sometimes skip , not knowing that they could be tucked away among the pearly clouds . Dark birds , colourful birds , white birds , transparent birds , loud birds and quiet ones too , they all feel an itchy emptiness in their breast , not realising that the answer lies in their now self trimmed wings . The falcons , eagles and owls fly above them with nonchalance and might , with a freedom they claim to offer but never truly deliver , for the other birds are their prey . So the caged birds look at them and dream and hope and think that one day , if they keep their nails on the floor and their beaks high , then one day they too will become a bird of prey , flying free among the others , looking down on all the ones that were too weak or too unworthy to become like them . But that never happens . Only the ones that stop trimming their own wings are the ones that get a chance to soar . Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags birds , cages , dark , essay , flying , freedom , poetry , prison2 Comments on Trimmed Wings A good deed I woke up with a headache and a drooling mouth . When I tried to clean it I found out that my hands were shackled to the wall . As I tried to make sense of my situation , my eyes met another pair , which silently gazed at me . He said something , but his voice was merely background noise while my brain attempted to untangle the thoughts racing through my mind . " I remember my warm bed . " I replied . Perhaps if I close my eyes I 'll wake up there again . His only reply was a shadow of frustration that briefly perched on his brow . But it didn 't linger for long . He was about to say something else , when the door was opened . David curled himself up even more against the wall as a man walked in . He kneeled in front of me and grabbed my cheeks with his boney fingers , turning my face one way and then another , while he seemed to conduct a very superficial inspection of my state . When he was satisfied , he dropped his hand on my leg and smiled with a mouth so ugly that most of his teeth had already ran away . " What a fine specimen we have here , " he giggled . I didn 't enjoy the sudden intimacy , so I kicked him in the ribs . Being not much more than a walking skeleton , he was easily thrown across the room . When he got up , I recognised the fire in his eyes and took his kicks and punches without complaining . David blabbered something about me being crazy and to keep my head down , but I was more worried about assessing the situation , so I ignored him . It must be so distracting to have all those feelings demanding constant attention inside your head . I never understood why normal people are so fond of emotions . Right now , his were turning him into a depressing ball of human sweat . It took me a second to decide what I would answer . Telling him the truth would cause him either to freak out even more or to start yelling at me again . My patience has its limits . I forced myself to breathe in and sigh out . " Look , all you have to know about what I do for a living is that I 'm used to this kind of situations . So let 's make a deal : I promise to get you out of here alive if you promise to keep your mouth shut and do what I say . " He thought for a while . He was probably weighing his slim options , whether he could trust me and whether he actually had a choice . Finally , he agreed . He got a morsel of hope and I got some peace and a much needed helping hand . Everyone 's happy . And they say I 'm not a people person … " We 'll have to do the girl first , " said Mafia Guy , scrutinizing the papers on his clipboard . " The other one is running late . Get her ready . " He took a last look at me and disappeared , leaving the door half open . Probably , my short stature and girly look gave me the appearance of a job that could easily be handled by one person . I was appreciative of the opportunity but also slightly offended . Bones walked towards me with a key in his hand . As soon as I heard that ' click ' , I quickly moved my arm away from his reaching hand , and landed my fist on his face . He fell backwards and I threw my legs around his neck . I pulled him closer as he struggled and covered his mouth with my free hand to keep him silent , while trying to use my full weight to smother him until his consciousness drifted away . Then , I seized the key that had fallen next to us , released my left hand and went over to free David . Frisking Bones quickly , I found his gun , checked it for bullets and that it was ready to fire . After putting my head carefully out of the door , I realised that our room opened into a hallway with a flight of stairs at the opposite end , leading up . David followed my steps cautiously , with wide eyes and fidgety hands . The first door on the right was open and we could hear voices , so that 's where I started . With my back against the wall , I listened attentively and was able to distinguish two voices . Let 's hope there isn 't a mute in there as well , I thought . I gestured David to stay put and I slid in , firing the borrowed gun at two men dressed in surgical gowns . In a matter of seconds , there were no more voices , but simply a heavy silence floating in the room . I told David to get in and look for answers in the pile of documents lying on the table , while I stood by the door waiting for anyone that might have heard the shots . I could see that he was shaking as he went in , and he didn 't get much better once he noticed the two bodies on the floor . Reluctantly , he went through the papers scattered on the table . Medical files ? They had access to my file ? I moved away from the door and had a look . Sure enough , there was my medical file , along with David 's and a few others . While I was distracted inspecting the papers , something moved by the door . In a split second , my instincts took over and I ducked under the table , pulling David down with me , as a wave of bullets hit the wall above us . Under the table , I took aim at the shooter 's legs and when he fell I took aim at his head . It was Mafia Guy . I waited a while and then got up , dragging the terrified dead - weight with me . I handed David the man 's gun , who looked at it as if it was about to bite him . " You know how to use that ? " I asked . I took his resigned countenance as a yes . We moved on to the next door but it was locked . " Not yet . " These people needed me for a reason and they had access to a lot of information . After all , finding matching donors for organ donation wasn 't easy and they wouldn 't leave a witness walking about . I wasn 't going to live my life looking over my shoulder , and going to the police was out of the question for me . This had to end here . We headed to the last door and walked into a large , pale surgical room . Poorly hidden behind the surgical table , I found a nurse shivering and sobbing in a pool of tears , which I quickly put out of her misery . I could hear David gasp in horror behind me . I didn 't care . I wasn 't leaving witnesses that might come after me . Suddenly , my eye caught a familiar face . Crouching behind one of the machines was my doctor . The one that was always generously paid to fix me after my assignments and to keep what happened in his office away from the police 's ears . " Care to explain ? " I asked him as he was getting up . He looked at me for a while and then greeted David , who was as shocked to see him as I was . I could see the fear in the doctor 's eyes , even though the old man liked to play tough . " Well , what do you want me to say ? " He responded defiantly . " Taking a crook like you away from this world could almost be considered a civic duty . " " Are you kidding ? They are giving me over £ 100 . 000 for your heart alone . And something close to that for Mr . Hill 's liver . " " Mr . Hill , as you can see , there is a lot of money involved here and , if you help me , a part of it could be yours . The rest of the men are bringing the patient for the transplant as we speak , and they will soon put an end to this little stunt of yours . But I can talk to them on your behalf . After all , this lady is a very bad person . You 'd be saving innocent lives … " So the patient was coming over to us ? Good , I would like to have a chat with the idiot who got me into this mess . I looked at David , curious about what he would decide . Somehow , I wasn 't very surprised when his shaking hand starting to point the gun at me . " Off you go now . Follow that path and you should find your way out . " He seemed surprised . " I promised I would get you out , didn 't I ? What are you waiting for ? Run ! " And run he did . Probably thought I would shoot him in the back . That 's people for you . They always assume I 'm as petty as them . They forget that in order for them to hurt my feelings I would need to have feelings in the first place . I hid in the house and only had to wait for half an hour before they arrived . Two escorts with their guard down and a sick man . It was a fast job . I took their guns just in case , as well as a pack of cigarettes and a lighter , and headed downstairs to get the files . David 's too . The records of our existence were soon reduced to a pile of ashes . Once outside , my nostrils took a deep breath of fresh air . I lit a cigarette . I figured I might as well . After all , being healthy almost got me killed . ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags action , blood , dark , doctors , donor , evil , fiction , fight , hospital , organs , short story , story , TaleLeave a comment on A good deed Little Old Things The woman with black hair and green eyes smiled warmly as the man behind the counter handed her the key to her room . He was starting to tell her how to find it , when he stopped mid sentence and decided to take her there instead . The place was quiet , too quiet , and he couldn 't stand the silence that resounded throughout the whole building , grating his ears as nails on a board . He led the way while the woman followed in silence , as if a holy ritual was being performed with every step . When they reached the door to her room she thanked the man and he bade her goodnight , turning away to return to his designated post behind the counter . Now , back to the orchestra of cracking floorboards and rain splattering against the windows , he thought about her . A spectre of white , marbled skin , under a veil of hair as dark as the deep corners of a forbidden forest , had walked into his modest B & B so silently that he only realised she stood behind him when he heard her voice . Her face looked like it had been dried by the passing of the years , her thin body sinking under a black dress of mourning and reverence , a body that seemed to him so out of context away from the golden coffins that are gently cradled by the voice of eternity under the ancient sands of the Nile . " One night , " that 's all she said to him . He tried to read the name she had written down in his book , but her handwriting was impossible to decipher . He heard the kitchen door opening and closing and recognised the cotton steps heading towards him . " Thank you . It 's an old house and much of her beauty has been eroded by time . I would like to restore her but I 'm afraid the business isn 't doing very well at the moment . " " That 's a shame , " she replied . " To allow such a beautiful place to go to waste … I like old things , you see . Old things are thumb stones to all the memories that lived and died around them . Like this watch , for example , " she removed a silver , hand sculptured pocket watch from her purse and showed it to the host . " This watch is as old as time itself . It has seen the rise of mankind and it shall be here to see its fall . " " If it was here before mankind , then who made it ? " He asks . " Not who , but what , " she replied . " But that doesn 't matter at the moment . I want to give it to you as a thank you for having such a pleasant stay . It might help you . Keep it here , close to the front door and good things shall come through it " . " When good things happen … well , don 't question too much . Never try to discover how the watch 's mysteries come to be . It will only break the spell . Make sure you always remember this . " And , with that , she left . The man looked at the beautiful watch resting in his hand , time reverberating gently through his skin with ever tick and every tock . He let out a long sigh . If he sold it , he thought , perhaps he could get enough money to improve his business . " I 'll do it tomorrow " , he decided , for he had a day of work ahead of him . He opened a drawer and placed the watch carefully in it . He starred at it for a minute before finally closing the drawer and going about his work . That day , the mood of the skies changed quickly , with a sunny winter morning turning into an evening of dark stormy clouds , fat with rain and thunder . Throughout the night , the rain knocked against the roof tiles and the windows , like a wet monster begging to be let in , while the wind whistled the ancient songs it had learned far away , bringing with it razors of cold and desolation that swirled around the old house , grazing even further its already beaten surface . At midnight , as the host and his family lay asleep in their beds , oblivious to the changes happening outside , everything went quiet for a moment . Then , with all the force of a torrent , wind and rain forced open all the doors and all the windows , and all went dark inside the old B & B . Family and guests got out of their beds in panic , running about the house closing windows , shutting doors , holding candles that kept being blown off even when there was no wind left in the room . Eventually , things calmed down and everyone was able to return to the land of forgotten fantasies that awaited them in their wooden nests . In hearing this , the man hurried downstairs . When he reached the bottom of the stairs he looked perplexed at the amount of guests flooding his living room . He ran quickly to the counter and started taking names and handing out keys as fast as he could . His little B & B was full by nightfall and the host struggled to find an old forgotten ' Sold out ' sign that his memory assured he still had , hidden under a pile of dust somewhere . As the days passed , the guests kept coming one after another and he easily forgot about the watch and the strange woman who had given it to him . It was only when he opened that drawer looking for a pen that he was reminded of that morning . Now , he began to take her words more seriously . Could it be possible that the watch had caused all of this ? He took the delicate object out of the drawer and held it in his hands in order to see it better . He opened it and closed it again . It was indeed a beautiful piece of craftsmanship , but could it really be magical ? That seemed nonsense to him . After some time , finding that he couldn 't keep it to himself any longer , he decided to tell his wife and daughter what had happened , so as to get their opinion on the matter . As he told them about the woman , the watch , and the warning that she had made before leaving , he was amazed to find excitement in their faces instead of the surprise that he was expecting . Day after day , their B & B seemed to never lose its charm . The rooms were always clean , the flowers were always fresh , the garden was always tended and , every now and then , a brand new garden gnome would appear , like a colourful flower that sprouted during the night . But , remembering the warning that the woman had given , the family never tried to figure out how all of these things were happening . At first , their curiosity was gnawing at their imagination , but soon it all became routine and they grew accustomed to all the mysterious helping hands working around them . And so , they lived happily for a very long time . Most of the guests ended up returning several times and some of them even became long term residents , so the little house was soon filled with new friendships and familiar faces , which made the family 's work and life much more pleasant than before . Of course , every now and then , a guest would leave during the night without paying , but these were rare and for the most part their guests were all pleasant and respectful . One evening , a new couple checked in . At first they seemed perfectly nice but , later on at dinner , after having had a few drinks , the couple began to fight in the middle of the dining room . The other guests were visibly disturbed and a few went up to their rooms sooner than usual , but not without complaining about the noisy couple . The host , who was very tired after a long day of work , gathered all the patience he still had left in him and was able to persuade the couple to retire to their room . During the night , however , the husband became hungry and decided to pay a visit to the kitchen , in order to get something to eat . Half asleep , he dragged himself through the corridors in the darkness , his hands following invisible patterns on the walls . When he reached the kitchen door , he stopped . A dozen child - like voices could be heard singing in unison on the other side , their melody accompanied by an orchestra of kitchen sounds , such as plates and pans , and things boiling and cooking . The man opened the door and went in . " It was him , officer ! " Shouted the woman behind two salty rivers of tears , raising her shaking hand to point at the host . " He was rude to us last night and then he went up to our bedroom and took my husband ! " " Please , madam , I would never do such a thing , " retorted the host . " Your husband has had quite a lot to drink last night . I 'm sure he simply wandered off somewhere while you were asleep and will turn up eventually . " The police tried to get her to go home but she refused . She decided that she wouldn 't leave the B & B until her husband was found . The police , however , without finding any sign of a crime , assured the wife that her husband probably had just left . These cases were common , they said . After all , the couple had been fighting that night and there was no reason to believe that anyone had any real grudge against the man . The officers eventually left , leaving behind a vague promise that they would look into it further . The wife , however , was determined that something had happened . She knew her husband and she was sure that he wouldn 't leave , not like that . No , it was that host ! He clearly had taken a dislike to her husband . She could tell by the way that he talked to them that night . Sure , they were a little loud , but nothing that would merit such a rude attitude . No , her husband didn 't run . It was the host ! He did something to him during the night and she was determined to find proof of that . Hours later , she lay in bed listening to the faint noises that floated gently in the dead of the night . The old house moaned , the invisible mice chased each other inside the walls , the wind sang haunted lullabies that made the trees dance under a ceiling of stars . Unable to fall asleep , she got up and silently headed for the kitchen to get a glass of water . As she opened the door , her eyes faced a sight that made her wonder whether she was still in her bed dreaming . In front of her , a great number of incredibly tiny people went about the kitchen cooking and singing and cleaning . They all stopped at the same time and looked at her . A little winged person took flight and stood hovering in front of her nose for a while , before blowing a strange powder into her eyes . The next day the host let out a sigh of relief when he found out that the woman 's room was empty and that she was gone . All that excitement was affecting the atmosphere in the house and he couldn 't wait for things to go back to normal . This whole affair seemed quite strange to him , but then again he was used to ignoring anything that seemed unusual . And so , after some time , he was able to put the whole thing out of his mind . As he was walking down the stairs his daughter was coming in from her morning walk . " Good morning father " , she greeted , " Have you seen the new gnome that we have in the garden ? ( This story was created for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge ) Author toserendipityandbeyondPosted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories TaleTags B & B , competition , dark , fairies , fairy tale , fiction , mystery , NYC challenge , short story , Tale1 Comment on Little Old Things Search for : As you all know , we have a very special pet in our hostel called Tic Toc . He is a dwarf crocodile , a very rare species endemic to the London hostels , and his main duty is to open the luggage room for our lovely guests . However , he is also in charge of eating those who don 't do [ … ] Nico , one of our favourite guests , was back on the kitchen tonight to make us some blueberry muffins with a delicious raspberry topping . His secret ? A pinch of cider added to the dough when you 're not looking . It was worth it though , the muffins were absolutely delicious ! I 'm voting for adding whiskey next time ! After [ … ] Let Ken Lum Lee take you on a photographic tour of Hangzhou and the breathtakingly beautiful Sheraton Grand Hangzhou Binjiang Hotel . Barbara Do you ever feel like something should feel familiar but in reality feels even more alien ? That 's exactly how I felt when I recently went to China . Although I grew up in London all [ … ] |
Years ago , one of my kids went to the dentist for x rays . These were not the usual bite - wing x rays that the populace had been getting for years ; this was a new fangled machine that could take an x ray of your entire mouth at one time , without any pieces of film in your mouth . One stepped into its circle , the machine was turned on , and the machine slowly traveled around you as you stood there . When we entered his room , we found him in the middle of the room on his floor , rocking back and forth , and screaming and crying at the top of his lungs . There was such total panic and fear in his screams , that it made it hard for me to think . ( As a mother , you immediately want to remove the pain and make it all better . But I knew not how . ) Moments later , my son began to speak . He told us that he did not recognize us , nor did he recognize his name . Fear ruled over him , and kept him from us . He got into its circle , and I could see the fear and trepidation in him , for he was shaking . The machine turned on and began to rotate . ( The dental assistant told us to stay behind the cones , but we were ready to jump forward to catch him if needed . ) Suddenly his eyes opened wide , and he starred forward , unseeing , just like he had the other time . But this time he did not collapse . I kept reciting scriptures under my breath , until I could not remember any . I found my mind had gone completely blank , and I could not remember any scripture at all . I cried out to Jesus , and then sensed from Him that I should begin speaking in tongues , which I did . We went home that night , and once again he went to lay down , for he was still quite weak and dizzy . We made sure that someone stayed with him at all times . He took more of the vitamins and herbs , as directed on the bottle . ( I had found out from the Lord after the first time , that calcium can help bind up stray molecules of radiation , so that it gets flushed out of the system . It also helps the heart to keep beating . Same with magnesium ; it works with the calcium . Nattokinase keeps the blood flowing , and helps to prevent any strokes from happening . ) The next day he spent in bed , still weak and dizzy from the x ray . The day after that , he refused to go out , for some things were still not familiar to him , and seeing things that he did not recognize but knew he should , caused panic to flare up within him . He explained that that x ray was like a hard re - boot on a computer , or a kind of cerebral wipe of memory . He sensed that his memories were still there , but the linking to them is what was affected . Three days after that , he arose and was able to go about his business . He still had some momentary dizziness every now and then , and I remarked that I too , had the same momentary dizziness that he was experiencing . After a few more days , all symptoms left us , and we were all back to normal . My son then told me , how he had kept his eyes closed , so he could not see anything . But I told him that he had opened his eyes as soon as the test began . This surprised him , for he claimed he could not see anything except a great darkness . Even his hearing was blocked , for all he could hear was some kind of loud buzzing sound . ( It was just like the sound that demons make when gathered together . ) It wasn 't until the machine was turned off , that he could once again see into this world and hear us . He also told me , that this newer machine was still way better than the last one . I went out to run some errands , and almost ran into another car . The Holy Spirit tried to stop me from going out at that moment , ( I sensed Him saying " wait ! " , ) but I went ahead anyways , figuring it was just my imagination , and not really Him speaking . I was making a turn onto the road and then getting into the left hand turn lane . I looked and could see no cars , so I went . When I was almost in the turn lane , I seen another car in the rear view mirror on that side , ( had he hit me , he would have hit my left back tire area , ) and I swerved back into the other lane for a moment , ( thinking he would then drive past me , ) but instead he let me go back into the lane . On my way there , I thought back to the nightmares that I have had , where someone tries to physically attack me , and somehow the Holy Spirit in me is able to diffuse the situation . As this was like a real live nightmare , I prayed that the Holy Spirit would help me in this real world situation too . I was shaking so badly that it was hard to drive safely , but I was too scared of this man to stop . One of my boys thought I should call 911 , but I didn 't sense I was supposed to do that . Finally I came to the CHP and drove in , but there was no one there . They were closed . He reiterated how he had almost hit me , and how he was responsible for others in the car with him , and that even they were upset over the near hit . He made it sound like I was a very bad person because I had purposely done this to him and his loved ones . ( His wife and child were sitting quietly in the car while he verbally ripped me apart . ) I thought to myself that my driving record was still pretty good ( thank You Jesus ! , ) ; the last time I had a fender bender , ( it was a scratch in a parking lot , ) was over thirty years ago . This guy looked like he hadn 't even spent thirty years upon the earth yet . Apart of me wanted to argue with him , but I was still too afraid of him so I remained silent . He finished with his attack and then said that he was o . k . now , and was going to go , as he was all right , and ( as an afterthought ? ) I was all right , and that neither one of us was hurt . " See ? " he said to me , " that 's all I wanted to do . " I sat there for over an hour , waiting for the shaking to subside , ( I did not feel safe to drive while I shook so much , ) and then I went to finish my errands . As I did , I prayed for him and all those in his car , asking the Lord to bring them to Him and make believers out of them . I seen something in him that I once was ; a seeker of justice at any cost , even at the cost of others I loved . I felt sorry for him , being buffeted to and from by the winds of chance , and being toyed with by satan . I remembered what it was like , being so affected by such evil , and having to face it without Jesus . There is an emptiness that is always there , along with that self - righteous demon to feed , and a feeling of always somehow being behind everyone else in the rat race and trying in vain to catch up . When I got home , some of my kids were incensed on my behalf , saying " He had to have been speeding , Mom ! There is no way anyone could sneak up on you that fast on that stretch of road without going over the speed limit ! Either that , or he came out of a side road just as you did , and tried to get into the same lane as you . You were not the only one at fault , Mom ; if you guys had hit , he would have been at fault too ! " " Yeah , " said my other son who had almost come with me on the trip , " I wish I would have been there with you ; I would have told him a thing or two ! I wouldn 't have let him speak to you like that ! I would have called 911 and gotten the cops there to cite him a ticket for road rage ! " I thought of those in the car with him , remembering how it feels to be held captive in a car with an angry driver . Those poor people ! Then I wondered what kind of man would drag his loved ones around on such a chase , just to fight for an apology from a stranger . He had no way of knowing that I would do him no harm . I could have been a different person and had a gun and even threatened him and those in his car with it . He obviously was not thinking too clearly either , to take such risks just to placate his self - righteousness demon . I found that even just the thought of getting into a car again to go somewhere , left me shaking , dizzy , and wanting to toss my cookies . I could not even walk at the thought of driving , because I shook so badly . I started to cry , feeling like a helpless victim , chained down to the house , and unable to go out any more . It was horrible ! Just to be sure they had really left me , I brought along someone else in the car with me , the next time I went out to run errands , so they could help me fight off the demons if need be . But they are gone for good . Praise Jesus ! Truly there is great freedom in Jesus Christ of Nazareth ! Looking back upon the incident , there were times when I felt like I had just let the man and his demons attack me , and that I should have stood up for myself more . This left me feeling frustrated all over again . Finally I went back to the Lord Jesus about it . He then reassured me that I had done exactly as He had wanted me to do . That removed the last of the frustration , and left me with a sense of relief . Would you pray with me for that man and his family ? Pray that they would all come to Jesus and be set free from all the demons that plague them . Pray that they too , would experience the freedom that is found only in Jesus Christ ! Psalm 23 ( KJV ) " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He maketh me to lie down in green pastures : he leadeth me beside the still waters . He restoreth my soul : he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name 's sake . Yea , though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I will fear no evil : for thou art with me ; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me . Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies : thou anointest my head with oil ; my cup runneth over . Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life : and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever . " Psalm 27 : 1 - 3 ( KJV ) " The Lord is my light and my salvation , whom shall I fear ? the Lord is the strength of my life , of whom shall I be afraid ? When the wicked , even mine enemies and my foes came upon me to eat up my flesh , they stumbled and fell . Though an host pitched against me , mine heart should not be afraid : though war be raised against me , I will trust in this . " I sensed from the Lord that I was to get on line and ask my friends to pray for us , so I did . It is something I do not like doing , for I hate to bother others with my needs . I figure they have their own problems to deal with , and do not need mine to add to their burdens . But then He reminds me of how I am blessed when I pray for others and then get to see the answered prayers . So I went ahead and sent out my prayer requests . That first night I slept there , satan kept trying to attack me , by whispering in my ear , that our house was gone . And every time he did so , I refuted it . He kept asking me , " How can you even think that your home is still there ? Even the firemen told you it was gone ! " But I kept claiming the Word out loud , ( of which he hated , ) and claimed yet again that it would still be there . Then he kept trying to hit me with those ' what if ' questions , but I refused to give in to those thoughts either . After a few hours of these kinds of attacks , I finally fell asleep . I realized then , that the battle for my home was much more serious than I had first thought . It felt as if everything was resting on that one piece of scripture . I had felt Him tell me that I could claim it , and my children had felt the same from the Lord concerning our home . Wishful thinking or not , it still came down to that passage in the bible . Was God 's Word true or not ? It says " If you live in Me … " well , I knew that I lived in Him , for I went to Him , asking Him what it is that He wants me to do , and when that is done , I go back and ask Him what I should do next . If that isn 't living in Him , then I don 't know what is . And then it said " And My Words live in you … " well , this got me hung up for a few moments , for I am not one of those people who have a hundred pieces of scripture memorized and can just whip them out as needed . But then I felt the Lord Jesus remind me , that I still use His Word on a daily basis , as I cast out demons and heal the sick , so I would still qualify for His promises . If I lost my home , that was one thing , for we could get another , but if I lost my faith , that was completely something else , for my God is irreplaceable ! I felt as if this was actually a battle for my faith in Christ . If my home remained , then God 's Word was true . If it did not … Apparently , the wind had shifted at the last moment , JUST AS WE HAD CLAIMED , saving our home from total destruction . Firemen were camped out at our place , still fighting the fire . My husband ( and only my husband , no others from the family , ) was allowed back into the house , to get any emergency medicines or important papers . The air was filled with thick falling ash , making it hard to breathe . He was led in by a police man , and given only a few minutes to retrieve what he could . The police man never checked his identification ; he just asked him if he needed help in breaking into the home . My husband looked at him funny , and got out his key to enter . After four minutes , the policeman came and escorted him off our property . That night , we switched rooms with my son , and he slept out on the air mattress , and we slept in the bedroom . Satan kept trying to attack me like he had done the night before , but it was to no avail , for our house still stood . But then as I fell asleep , I had horrendous dreams of a great fire overtaking everything in its path . I dreamed that it not only took out our house , but it was now coming for me . They were incredibly satanic somehow , and when I awoke the next morning , I told my son about it , and asked him if he had experienced such dreams here . He nodded in agreement , and then frowned . He walked back into the room , stood there for a moment , before walking over to the headboard of the bed , ( it was actually a shelf where you could store books and such , ) and then grabbed something from beneath a pile of papers . It was a large deck of playing cards . " Yugioh cards ! " he exclaimed , and then he showed me the top card that was facing upwards . The stress was really getting to me , so I begged the Lord to make this whole mess just go away . He then reminded me of the dream about the colonel that He had given me a short while ago . I told Him that I didn 't want to be a colonel , but just an average believer who 'd get to heaven one day . At this , I felt the Lord take a step back from me , leaving me exposed . " Are you SURE you want this ? " He asks me sternly . And then I began to cry . Through all the stuff I had been through , I had not shed a tear . But THIS caused me to cry . I could feel the presence of the Lord begin to leave me , and it terrified me no small amount . So I broke down and told Him that " No , I will still do and be whatever You want me to ; just please help me get through this ! " I realized then , that this was what the colonel dream had foretold . Staying there in that home , and feeling as if I was falling from the sky , ( I was still shaky and unable to eat much from nerves , ) was just what I had experienced in the dream . The knowledge that we were all protected somehow , and that there were other unbelievers there with us , made me realize that the colonel dream was referring to this moment in time . My questioning the Lord on the title of colonel , is what might have tipped over the shield that we were traveling in , had I let it . Soon we started getting information on others who have been affected by the fire . One of my son 's friends lost their home . This boy was the one who had called my son and told him about the fire headed our way in the first place . My son had called him back , and told him that his family was in danger , and that they had to start evacuating now . My son then tried to tell him about claiming , and that he should do this for his home . " What 's claiming ? " he asked , and then the phone went dead , so he could not tell him more . When my son had given them the warning , they had first laughed it off . But an hour later , they were busy packing up their stuff . They had over six hours to remove most of their belongings , and move them to his grandmother 's house just a short distance away . They were able to clear out their home fairly well ; not much was left in it when the fire finally took it . His grandmother had died a few months before , and they had been reluctant to put the house on the market . Now her house would be theirs to live in from now on . We then found out more about the homes that were destroyed near our house . The elderly Catholic lady and her husband , ( a real sweet couple , ) were the first to lose their home in our area . My husband then remembered that they had said at the last neighborhood party , that if there was ever a fire coming towards them , that their home would be the first to go up in flames . They had a fireman call them up and tell then that he had personally witnessed their house going up in flames . Can you imagine it ? Making the same claim upon God and then being told that ? Oi ! How she must have suffered ! This woman must be incredibly strong spiritually . It wasn 't until a neighbor sandwiched between her home and mine called her and asked her for any diesel that they might have , that they found out the truth . The fire had circled back around one night , and took out the home directly next to them , and this is the home the fireman had assumed was theirs . This same neighbor called us too , and told us that he had somehow sneaked back in and was trying to live in his house . ( He lives between me and my Christian friend . ) He told us that the firemen had moved on , but that there were still several spot fires on our property that he was still dousing with water . Several looters had infiltrated the area , and he had to chase them off with his gun and his dog . He was telling us that he would have to soon leave , for he could find no more diesel to run his generator . He had sent his son out to go get more , but the cops arrested him as he tried to get back in . We told him how to get into our garage , and that he could use our generator instead , which took propane , and there was plenty of that in the garages that were left . Then he told me that my chickens were safe , and that he was looking for something to feed them with . A phone call later to our Christian neighbors , told him where to get the feed that was needed from their garage . The lady of the house we were staying in did not like to hear any this . She kept arguing with me , insisting that it was all just luck . She brought up examples of family members dying young from cancer . I asked her if the cancer demon was cast out . She says they prayed , but to no avail . I told her that she must cast it out in Jesus name . Then she said " So you have to do it in a specific way , or He won 't honor it ? " ( She said this very sarcastically , as if I was crazy for even thinking it . ) I told her that the Lord has given us examples in His Word , and that this is what we go by . She came back and started quoting the bible where it talks about no one being above another . ( What this had to do with the argument confused me ; anyone who lives in Him , and His words live in them , can make such claims . Sadly , I got pulled away before I could give her that answer . ) I wish I had my Geneva bible , and not the corrupt NIV , for the NIV has some very important scriptures missing from it . I had kept the bible because of all the notes I had put in it over the years . ( This has taught me to transfer the notes to the new one , and then get rid of it . After all , who wants to be caught with a weak sword that breaks or bends in battle ? ) When I returned , her husband was looking at me and smiling as if to say , " now you 're gonna get it ! " He acted like he had sat down to watch a good fight on T . V . . She started asking me questions about what I believe , and made statements on her beliefs that were designed to draw me out . Some I sensed from the Lord to say nothing about , while others I got no warning message , so I would try to quote the right scriptures to match the topic , just as she was doing . At first I thought she was actually interested in what I had to share , but then towards the end , I sensed she simply wanted to fight . At this point , I let a distraction break off the conversation , and left the room . The next night was much better in terms of sleep , though while writing on the computer , I found myself under attack once again . I sensed evil starring at me . I asked the Lord where this was coming from , and it turns out that this kid had more decks of yugioh cards sitting on his desk where I was working . So I bound them up and turned them away from me , and was able to then work unmolested . The next day , the boy whose room we were staying in , ( he is a believer , ) returned to see how we were doing . So I told him about the yugioh cards in his room , and that they were cursed items that needed to be removed at some point , for his peace and safety , if he was ever going to stay there again . ( He was no longer living there , but at times he had stayed there overnight . ) An hour later , right before bed time , her and her husband decided to kick us all out of their home . " Take your demons and get out ! " she screamed at me . I tried to tell her that she could check up on the yugioh cards on line for herself , and see just how evil they really were , but she refused to listen . In prayer time , the Lord revealed to me , how this family worked . I had always wondered if her husband was still a believer , but not anymore . I know this may sound crazy , but it 's almost as if he keeps her on a leash , and sends her out to go attack , and then when he thinks enough blood is spilled , he reigns her back in . This way , he looks like the good guy , even though he is not , and she gets to vent her beliefs , without making everyone look bad . What kind of a believer would sic their unbelieving wife on another believer , in order to watch them fight ? My son described her as being extremely conniving and underhanded , never knowing when she would fly off the handle and start screaming at something or someone . To me , it was all very confusing . I had thought for the most part that we were getting along just fine , not agreeing with each other , but still respecting each other 's beliefs . But my son told me that she can put on a mask that makes her look all nice and friendly , when underneath she is anything but . All night long , satan attacked me , very similar to my first night there in their house . He tried to convince me , that we would end up on the streets . ( We had been told that all the hotels within an hours drive were all booked up already from fire evacuees . ) But this time , he could not hit me as much , for I had won the biggest faith battle I had yet to ever encounter , and I knew that I could easily make another claim upon Jesus for shelter . So I did . I kept claiming that He would bring us to a better place to stay . Then He had me read psalm 23 out loud . It has been a long time since I read it . The next morning , around noon , my husband got a response from one of his friends . ( This was the one who had first offered my husband shelter . ) He was out of town fishing , but told us where the key was , and that we could go in and make ourselves comfortable . So we packed up and got ready to leave . As I was getting into the car , I heard the Lord Jesus tell me to wipe off my feet . I thought this really odd , and wondered what could be on the bottom of my shoes . I thought I should go back inside , and wash off my sandals in the sink , for they would get much cleaner that way . But I felt Him say no , and then tell me to simply brush off the top of my feet with my hands . I felt really odd in doing this , but I obeyed Him and brushed off the top of my feet . I then got into the car to leave . I write for the glory of Jesus Christ of Nazareth , and for the edification of His people © C . Dunamis ( pseudonym , ) and Dreams Of Dunamis , 2011 , 2012 , 2013 , 2014 , 2015 , 2016 , 2017 . Re - blogging , excerpts , and links may be used , provided that they remain unaltered , and full and clear credit is given to Dreams Of Dunamis , at www . dreamsofdunamis . wordpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . All rights reserved . % d bloggers like this : |
Years ago , one of my kids went to the dentist for x rays . These were not the usual bite - wing x rays that the populace had been getting for years ; this was a new fangled machine that could take an x ray of your entire mouth at one time , without any pieces of film in your mouth . One stepped into its circle , the machine was turned on , and the machine slowly traveled around you as you stood there . When we entered his room , we found him in the middle of the room on his floor , rocking back and forth , and screaming and crying at the top of his lungs . There was such total panic and fear in his screams , that it made it hard for me to think . ( As a mother , you immediately want to remove the pain and make it all better . But I knew not how . ) Moments later , my son began to speak . He told us that he did not recognize us , nor did he recognize his name . Fear ruled over him , and kept him from us . He got into its circle , and I could see the fear and trepidation in him , for he was shaking . The machine turned on and began to rotate . ( The dental assistant told us to stay behind the cones , but we were ready to jump forward to catch him if needed . ) Suddenly his eyes opened wide , and he starred forward , unseeing , just like he had the other time . But this time he did not collapse . I kept reciting scriptures under my breath , until I could not remember any . I found my mind had gone completely blank , and I could not remember any scripture at all . I cried out to Jesus , and then sensed from Him that I should begin speaking in tongues , which I did . We went home that night , and once again he went to lay down , for he was still quite weak and dizzy . We made sure that someone stayed with him at all times . He took more of the vitamins and herbs , as directed on the bottle . ( I had found out from the Lord after the first time , that calcium can help bind up stray molecules of radiation , so that it gets flushed out of the system . It also helps the heart to keep beating . Same with magnesium ; it works with the calcium . Nattokinase keeps the blood flowing , and helps to prevent any strokes from happening . ) The next day he spent in bed , still weak and dizzy from the x ray . The day after that , he refused to go out , for some things were still not familiar to him , and seeing things that he did not recognize but knew he should , caused panic to flare up within him . He explained that that x ray was like a hard re - boot on a computer , or a kind of cerebral wipe of memory . He sensed that his memories were still there , but the linking to them is what was affected . Three days after that , he arose and was able to go about his business . He still had some momentary dizziness every now and then , and I remarked that I too , had the same momentary dizziness that he was experiencing . After a few more days , all symptoms left us , and we were all back to normal . My son then told me , how he had kept his eyes closed , so he could not see anything . But I told him that he had opened his eyes as soon as the test began . This surprised him , for he claimed he could not see anything except a great darkness . Even his hearing was blocked , for all he could hear was some kind of loud buzzing sound . ( It was just like the sound that demons make when gathered together . ) It wasn 't until the machine was turned off , that he could once again see into this world and hear us . He also told me , that this newer machine was still way better than the last one . I went out to run some errands , and almost ran into another car . The Holy Spirit tried to stop me from going out at that moment , ( I sensed Him saying " wait ! " , ) but I went ahead anyways , figuring it was just my imagination , and not really Him speaking . I was making a turn onto the road and then getting into the left hand turn lane . I looked and could see no cars , so I went . When I was almost in the turn lane , I seen another car in the rear view mirror on that side , ( had he hit me , he would have hit my left back tire area , ) and I swerved back into the other lane for a moment , ( thinking he would then drive past me , ) but instead he let me go back into the lane . On my way there , I thought back to the nightmares that I have had , where someone tries to physically attack me , and somehow the Holy Spirit in me is able to diffuse the situation . As this was like a real live nightmare , I prayed that the Holy Spirit would help me in this real world situation too . I was shaking so badly that it was hard to drive safely , but I was too scared of this man to stop . One of my boys thought I should call 911 , but I didn 't sense I was supposed to do that . Finally I came to the CHP and drove in , but there was no one there . They were closed . He reiterated how he had almost hit me , and how he was responsible for others in the car with him , and that even they were upset over the near hit . He made it sound like I was a very bad person because I had purposely done this to him and his loved ones . ( His wife and child were sitting quietly in the car while he verbally ripped me apart . ) I thought to myself that my driving record was still pretty good ( thank You Jesus ! , ) ; the last time I had a fender bender , ( it was a scratch in a parking lot , ) was over thirty years ago . This guy looked like he hadn 't even spent thirty years upon the earth yet . Apart of me wanted to argue with him , but I was still too afraid of him so I remained silent . He finished with his attack and then said that he was o . k . now , and was going to go , as he was all right , and ( as an afterthought ? ) I was all right , and that neither one of us was hurt . " See ? " he said to me , " that 's all I wanted to do . " I sat there for over an hour , waiting for the shaking to subside , ( I did not feel safe to drive while I shook so much , ) and then I went to finish my errands . As I did , I prayed for him and all those in his car , asking the Lord to bring them to Him and make believers out of them . I seen something in him that I once was ; a seeker of justice at any cost , even at the cost of others I loved . I felt sorry for him , being buffeted to and from by the winds of chance , and being toyed with by satan . I remembered what it was like , being so affected by such evil , and having to face it without Jesus . There is an emptiness that is always there , along with that self - righteous demon to feed , and a feeling of always somehow being behind everyone else in the rat race and trying in vain to catch up . When I got home , some of my kids were incensed on my behalf , saying " He had to have been speeding , Mom ! There is no way anyone could sneak up on you that fast on that stretch of road without going over the speed limit ! Either that , or he came out of a side road just as you did , and tried to get into the same lane as you . You were not the only one at fault , Mom ; if you guys had hit , he would have been at fault too ! " " Yeah , " said my other son who had almost come with me on the trip , " I wish I would have been there with you ; I would have told him a thing or two ! I wouldn 't have let him speak to you like that ! I would have called 911 and gotten the cops there to cite him a ticket for road rage ! " I thought of those in the car with him , remembering how it feels to be held captive in a car with an angry driver . Those poor people ! Then I wondered what kind of man would drag his loved ones around on such a chase , just to fight for an apology from a stranger . He had no way of knowing that I would do him no harm . I could have been a different person and had a gun and even threatened him and those in his car with it . He obviously was not thinking too clearly either , to take such risks just to placate his self - righteousness demon . I found that even just the thought of getting into a car again to go somewhere , left me shaking , dizzy , and wanting to toss my cookies . I could not even walk at the thought of driving , because I shook so badly . I started to cry , feeling like a helpless victim , chained down to the house , and unable to go out any more . It was horrible ! Just to be sure they had really left me , I brought along someone else in the car with me , the next time I went out to run errands , so they could help me fight off the demons if need be . But they are gone for good . Praise Jesus ! Truly there is great freedom in Jesus Christ of Nazareth ! Looking back upon the incident , there were times when I felt like I had just let the man and his demons attack me , and that I should have stood up for myself more . This left me feeling frustrated all over again . Finally I went back to the Lord Jesus about it . He then reassured me that I had done exactly as He had wanted me to do . That removed the last of the frustration , and left me with a sense of relief . Would you pray with me for that man and his family ? Pray that they would all come to Jesus and be set free from all the demons that plague them . Pray that they too , would experience the freedom that is found only in Jesus Christ ! Psalm 23 ( KJV ) " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He maketh me to lie down in green pastures : he leadeth me beside the still waters . He restoreth my soul : he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name 's sake . Yea , though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I will fear no evil : for thou art with me ; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me . Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies : thou anointest my head with oil ; my cup runneth over . Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life : and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever . " Psalm 27 : 1 - 3 ( KJV ) " The Lord is my light and my salvation , whom shall I fear ? the Lord is the strength of my life , of whom shall I be afraid ? When the wicked , even mine enemies and my foes came upon me to eat up my flesh , they stumbled and fell . Though an host pitched against me , mine heart should not be afraid : though war be raised against me , I will trust in this . " I sensed from the Lord that I was to get on line and ask my friends to pray for us , so I did . It is something I do not like doing , for I hate to bother others with my needs . I figure they have their own problems to deal with , and do not need mine to add to their burdens . But then He reminds me of how I am blessed when I pray for others and then get to see the answered prayers . So I went ahead and sent out my prayer requests . That first night I slept there , satan kept trying to attack me , by whispering in my ear , that our house was gone . And every time he did so , I refuted it . He kept asking me , " How can you even think that your home is still there ? Even the firemen told you it was gone ! " But I kept claiming the Word out loud , ( of which he hated , ) and claimed yet again that it would still be there . Then he kept trying to hit me with those ' what if ' questions , but I refused to give in to those thoughts either . After a few hours of these kinds of attacks , I finally fell asleep . I realized then , that the battle for my home was much more serious than I had first thought . It felt as if everything was resting on that one piece of scripture . I had felt Him tell me that I could claim it , and my children had felt the same from the Lord concerning our home . Wishful thinking or not , it still came down to that passage in the bible . Was God 's Word true or not ? It says " If you live in Me … " well , I knew that I lived in Him , for I went to Him , asking Him what it is that He wants me to do , and when that is done , I go back and ask Him what I should do next . If that isn 't living in Him , then I don 't know what is . And then it said " And My Words live in you … " well , this got me hung up for a few moments , for I am not one of those people who have a hundred pieces of scripture memorized and can just whip them out as needed . But then I felt the Lord Jesus remind me , that I still use His Word on a daily basis , as I cast out demons and heal the sick , so I would still qualify for His promises . If I lost my home , that was one thing , for we could get another , but if I lost my faith , that was completely something else , for my God is irreplaceable ! I felt as if this was actually a battle for my faith in Christ . If my home remained , then God 's Word was true . If it did not … Apparently , the wind had shifted at the last moment , JUST AS WE HAD CLAIMED , saving our home from total destruction . Firemen were camped out at our place , still fighting the fire . My husband ( and only my husband , no others from the family , ) was allowed back into the house , to get any emergency medicines or important papers . The air was filled with thick falling ash , making it hard to breathe . He was led in by a police man , and given only a few minutes to retrieve what he could . The police man never checked his identification ; he just asked him if he needed help in breaking into the home . My husband looked at him funny , and got out his key to enter . After four minutes , the policeman came and escorted him off our property . That night , we switched rooms with my son , and he slept out on the air mattress , and we slept in the bedroom . Satan kept trying to attack me like he had done the night before , but it was to no avail , for our house still stood . But then as I fell asleep , I had horrendous dreams of a great fire overtaking everything in its path . I dreamed that it not only took out our house , but it was now coming for me . They were incredibly satanic somehow , and when I awoke the next morning , I told my son about it , and asked him if he had experienced such dreams here . He nodded in agreement , and then frowned . He walked back into the room , stood there for a moment , before walking over to the headboard of the bed , ( it was actually a shelf where you could store books and such , ) and then grabbed something from beneath a pile of papers . It was a large deck of playing cards . " Yugioh cards ! " he exclaimed , and then he showed me the top card that was facing upwards . The stress was really getting to me , so I begged the Lord to make this whole mess just go away . He then reminded me of the dream about the colonel that He had given me a short while ago . I told Him that I didn 't want to be a colonel , but just an average believer who 'd get to heaven one day . At this , I felt the Lord take a step back from me , leaving me exposed . " Are you SURE you want this ? " He asks me sternly . And then I began to cry . Through all the stuff I had been through , I had not shed a tear . But THIS caused me to cry . I could feel the presence of the Lord begin to leave me , and it terrified me no small amount . So I broke down and told Him that " No , I will still do and be whatever You want me to ; just please help me get through this ! " I realized then , that this was what the colonel dream had foretold . Staying there in that home , and feeling as if I was falling from the sky , ( I was still shaky and unable to eat much from nerves , ) was just what I had experienced in the dream . The knowledge that we were all protected somehow , and that there were other unbelievers there with us , made me realize that the colonel dream was referring to this moment in time . My questioning the Lord on the title of colonel , is what might have tipped over the shield that we were traveling in , had I let it . Soon we started getting information on others who have been affected by the fire . One of my son 's friends lost their home . This boy was the one who had called my son and told him about the fire headed our way in the first place . My son had called him back , and told him that his family was in danger , and that they had to start evacuating now . My son then tried to tell him about claiming , and that he should do this for his home . " What 's claiming ? " he asked , and then the phone went dead , so he could not tell him more . When my son had given them the warning , they had first laughed it off . But an hour later , they were busy packing up their stuff . They had over six hours to remove most of their belongings , and move them to his grandmother 's house just a short distance away . They were able to clear out their home fairly well ; not much was left in it when the fire finally took it . His grandmother had died a few months before , and they had been reluctant to put the house on the market . Now her house would be theirs to live in from now on . We then found out more about the homes that were destroyed near our house . The elderly Catholic lady and her husband , ( a real sweet couple , ) were the first to lose their home in our area . My husband then remembered that they had said at the last neighborhood party , that if there was ever a fire coming towards them , that their home would be the first to go up in flames . They had a fireman call them up and tell then that he had personally witnessed their house going up in flames . Can you imagine it ? Making the same claim upon God and then being told that ? Oi ! How she must have suffered ! This woman must be incredibly strong spiritually . It wasn 't until a neighbor sandwiched between her home and mine called her and asked her for any diesel that they might have , that they found out the truth . The fire had circled back around one night , and took out the home directly next to them , and this is the home the fireman had assumed was theirs . This same neighbor called us too , and told us that he had somehow sneaked back in and was trying to live in his house . ( He lives between me and my Christian friend . ) He told us that the firemen had moved on , but that there were still several spot fires on our property that he was still dousing with water . Several looters had infiltrated the area , and he had to chase them off with his gun and his dog . He was telling us that he would have to soon leave , for he could find no more diesel to run his generator . He had sent his son out to go get more , but the cops arrested him as he tried to get back in . We told him how to get into our garage , and that he could use our generator instead , which took propane , and there was plenty of that in the garages that were left . Then he told me that my chickens were safe , and that he was looking for something to feed them with . A phone call later to our Christian neighbors , told him where to get the feed that was needed from their garage . The lady of the house we were staying in did not like to hear any this . She kept arguing with me , insisting that it was all just luck . She brought up examples of family members dying young from cancer . I asked her if the cancer demon was cast out . She says they prayed , but to no avail . I told her that she must cast it out in Jesus name . Then she said " So you have to do it in a specific way , or He won 't honor it ? " ( She said this very sarcastically , as if I was crazy for even thinking it . ) I told her that the Lord has given us examples in His Word , and that this is what we go by . She came back and started quoting the bible where it talks about no one being above another . ( What this had to do with the argument confused me ; anyone who lives in Him , and His words live in them , can make such claims . Sadly , I got pulled away before I could give her that answer . ) I wish I had my Geneva bible , and not the corrupt NIV , for the NIV has some very important scriptures missing from it . I had kept the bible because of all the notes I had put in it over the years . ( This has taught me to transfer the notes to the new one , and then get rid of it . After all , who wants to be caught with a weak sword that breaks or bends in battle ? ) When I returned , her husband was looking at me and smiling as if to say , " now you 're gonna get it ! " He acted like he had sat down to watch a good fight on T . V . . She started asking me questions about what I believe , and made statements on her beliefs that were designed to draw me out . Some I sensed from the Lord to say nothing about , while others I got no warning message , so I would try to quote the right scriptures to match the topic , just as she was doing . At first I thought she was actually interested in what I had to share , but then towards the end , I sensed she simply wanted to fight . At this point , I let a distraction break off the conversation , and left the room . The next night was much better in terms of sleep , though while writing on the computer , I found myself under attack once again . I sensed evil starring at me . I asked the Lord where this was coming from , and it turns out that this kid had more decks of yugioh cards sitting on his desk where I was working . So I bound them up and turned them away from me , and was able to then work unmolested . The next day , the boy whose room we were staying in , ( he is a believer , ) returned to see how we were doing . So I told him about the yugioh cards in his room , and that they were cursed items that needed to be removed at some point , for his peace and safety , if he was ever going to stay there again . ( He was no longer living there , but at times he had stayed there overnight . ) An hour later , right before bed time , her and her husband decided to kick us all out of their home . " Take your demons and get out ! " she screamed at me . I tried to tell her that she could check up on the yugioh cards on line for herself , and see just how evil they really were , but she refused to listen . In prayer time , the Lord revealed to me , how this family worked . I had always wondered if her husband was still a believer , but not anymore . I know this may sound crazy , but it 's almost as if he keeps her on a leash , and sends her out to go attack , and then when he thinks enough blood is spilled , he reigns her back in . This way , he looks like the good guy , even though he is not , and she gets to vent her beliefs , without making everyone look bad . What kind of a believer would sic their unbelieving wife on another believer , in order to watch them fight ? My son described her as being extremely conniving and underhanded , never knowing when she would fly off the handle and start screaming at something or someone . To me , it was all very confusing . I had thought for the most part that we were getting along just fine , not agreeing with each other , but still respecting each other 's beliefs . But my son told me that she can put on a mask that makes her look all nice and friendly , when underneath she is anything but . All night long , satan attacked me , very similar to my first night there in their house . He tried to convince me , that we would end up on the streets . ( We had been told that all the hotels within an hours drive were all booked up already from fire evacuees . ) But this time , he could not hit me as much , for I had won the biggest faith battle I had yet to ever encounter , and I knew that I could easily make another claim upon Jesus for shelter . So I did . I kept claiming that He would bring us to a better place to stay . Then He had me read psalm 23 out loud . It has been a long time since I read it . The next morning , around noon , my husband got a response from one of his friends . ( This was the one who had first offered my husband shelter . ) He was out of town fishing , but told us where the key was , and that we could go in and make ourselves comfortable . So we packed up and got ready to leave . As I was getting into the car , I heard the Lord Jesus tell me to wipe off my feet . I thought this really odd , and wondered what could be on the bottom of my shoes . I thought I should go back inside , and wash off my sandals in the sink , for they would get much cleaner that way . But I felt Him say no , and then tell me to simply brush off the top of my feet with my hands . I felt really odd in doing this , but I obeyed Him and brushed off the top of my feet . I then got into the car to leave . I write for the glory of Jesus Christ of Nazareth , and for the edification of His people © C . Dunamis ( pseudonym , ) and Dreams Of Dunamis , 2011 , 2012 , 2013 , 2014 , 2015 , 2016 , 2017 . Re - blogging , excerpts , and links may be used , provided that they remain unaltered , and full and clear credit is given to Dreams Of Dunamis , at www . dreamsofdunamis . wordpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . All rights reserved . % d bloggers like this : |
Every time I cross this street , I always choose the same spot : I walk sort of kitty - corner from the traffic island , or straight as an arrow along the crosswalk , as if the cars had stopped to let me pass . Or else , stepping down from the trolley , without an umbrella , I run to take shelter under the awning outside the pharmacy . But I always cross Via Marina at this same spot , I don 't do it on purpose - that is , I do it on purpose , but without wanting to . And when I cross here , I imagine it . I imagine it so intensely that I can see it : Mario , coming along the sidewalk . Not crossing the street : it was already baking hot , so hot that a body would automatically choose to walk in the shade . He was walking fast , skimming along the windows of the Loreto hospital on his left , with the street advancing against the waterfront on his right . The sea poised against the barracks building , against the employment office , against the cranes in the harbor . Mario was moving along briskly , as briskly as the gentleman who had withdrawn money from the cash machine a few seconds before , just as Mario was passing the bank , walking quickly , then passing Sofas & Co . and Château d ' Ax . The gentleman from the cash machine was just a few steps behind him , wearing the expression of a cash withdrawal in a city you don 't trust . Mario was expressionless , absolutely expressionless . He was walking fast , avoiding the tree roots that were bulging up from beneath the sidewalk , walking to the right of the roots , on the street side . The ATM guy was walking to the left of the trees , on the hospital side , as if by staying as far from the street as possible he could ward off a mugging , as if the motorbike he feared might think twice before climbing the curb . The shade has only a few trees to work with . They were erupting beneath the asphalt as Mario moved along past them : the last tree in the line was huge , and there was only a narrow space between its trunk and the wall . Mario passed through , touching the bark as he passed , and then there were no more trees " I can 't let you bring him in here . He 's too small . " Not much happens in the intensive care unit ; they let you in so you can see he 's still breathing , that they weren 't lying to you when they said he was still alive . But that body there wasn 't Mario . Mario was already out of the picture . The doctors had given the man from the ATM the first reports on Mario 's condition ; they had given him a bag with the contents of Mario 's pockets ; later , they had taken the bag back . The police had told him not to leave the hospital , asked for his ID , told him he would have to talk to a detective and to come by the headquarters in Via Cosenz sometime tomorrow . The man from the ATM sat down on the bench , forgetting even that he was a smoker , watching me appear at the end of the corridor the way a cashier waits for her replacement at the end of the shift . And then , with Tonino sleeping on his leg , he began to calm down , slowing his breathing to match the boy 's , until it was normal . Now , I was going to make sure he explained what had happened . That was the only reason I was in his car ; I don 't need rides from strangers ; no one 's ever driven me anywhere . I had Tonino in my belly and swollen legs , and I still stood on the sidewalk , waiting for traffic to move and the trolley to arrive . Once I was aboard , I shook boys roughly by the shoulder : that seat is for me . Anyway , that man wasn 't going anywhere . He couldn 't just drop me off at the front door of my apartment building and leave . He hadn 't said a word to me in the car . " Are you joking , mister ? My husband is flat on his back in the ICU . . . what more do I need to tell you ? You were there : what happened ? " I took off my shoes . Ever since I was fourteen , I 've never bought a pair of shoes with less than two - and - a - half inch heels . It seems that with heels under two - and - a - half inches , I can 't get people to take me seriously . And if you want people to open their crotches and armpits to your tweezers , trust is everything . But I took off my heels that day . I wanted to understand . " Madonna , he delivers what needs delivering . He doesn 't deal drugs . He guards the shipments , he makes sure they get where they 're supposed to . " The man from the ATM came to the Loreto hospital every afternoon at three , visiting hour . He 'd wait for me on the fire escape , smoking with the male nurses , while I stood , doing nothing , outside the entrance of the ICU . At 4 : 15 , they 'd let me in for twenty minutes , and he 'd wait for me , downstairs , in his car , while I was doing nothing in the ICU . And he 'd drive me home . On the days I couldn 't get my next - door neighbor to babysit Tonino , I 'd bring him with me , and I knew he was in good hands . While I waited , the two of them would go to the bridge over the Circumvesuviana commuter train tracks and watch as trains left the station . I went to the hospital to kill time . The doctors wouldn 't talk to me , and it wasn 't just because I wasn 't his wife . They figured they 'd already told me everything I was capable of understanding . What 's more , they seemed to think that he was taking up medical care that should be going to other patients . For someone with a stab wound in the back , he was getting more than his share of oxygen . I was starting to lose clients . If a beautician stops working in the summer months , she can kiss her business good - bye . All the same , I was there every day at three in the afternoon , and I wouldn 't leave until I had seen him . No one had bothered to let me know , so when I showed up outside the ICU , the male nurse told me Mario had been transferred to a regular ward . But the minute I saw him , I knew he was gone . It just wasn 't him anymore , with that blank stare . Because in all my life , I 've never been as beautiful as when Mario looked at me . From that point on , I could finally do something real to help him : bring frittatas in thermos packs and little fruit - juice bottles filled with coffee ; empty his bedpan once he had regained control of his body ; and rub Johnson 's baby oil on his hips , massaging him to ward off bed sores , because flat on his back he couldn 't breathe anymore . As soon as Mario regained consciousness , the man from the ATM vanished . And in the meanwhile , Capisante sent for me . The first thing he asked was how Mario was doing , how his recovery was going . He asked me whether that gentleman who spent so much time with me knew anything , whether I knew anything , and whether Mario had given me anything . I told him that the gentleman was interested in dating me , and that Mario had left me with nothing more than a hand to cover my front and another to cover my behind . Only then did he tell me that he knew who had stabbed him : they were renegades , a splinter group of the system trying to set up in business for themselves . They were hijacking small shipments , biding their time until they could step up to the big time . I asked him the only thing that kept bothering me : Then , as a farewell gesture , he had one of his guys drive me home ; when we got there , the young man pulled a wicker chest out of the trunk and carried it upstairs . Inside was pasta , cheese , sugar , and coffee . And eight hundred thousand lire in a plain white envelope . Everything that I had told him , Capisante already knew . As for the idea that Mario had been revenged : probably Capisante had managed to suppress a mutiny , to maintain his dominance , and if there was revenge it was strictly a secondary consideration , just like Mario and me . Still , I was pleased that he had summoned me : being the mother of his son still counted for something then . Actually , neither did I , at least not the details , but it was becoming increasingly clear to me that Roberto was hiding something from me . At the same time , I knew that the only course of action open to me , unless I had some kind of death wish , was to trust him . And I wanted to trust him : I needed a rest . That 's how I found out that the only real question was : where ? We needed to decide on the best place to let him die . Mario had no family , except for the wife he had left to be with me , two months after their wedding , and now it was anybody 's guess where she was . I asked Capisante to take care of it , somebody signed some papers , and Mario came back to his own bed where it was only right - everyone agreed - that he should die . Instead , Mario lived on in that bed for seven months ; meanwhile , at school , Tonino had almost learned to read . When Tonino was one year old , the social worker who had arranged for me to be assigned the apartment set a cup and a little ball in front of him . " He can 't follow simple instructions , " she explained to me . " But that 's okay . He 'll catch back up in nursery school . " It was a disappointment for Tonino . In a cup just like that one , every afternoon , Mario and I used to pour just a drop of espresso from the little coffee pot , and then we 'd fill the cup with water . That way , he didn 't feel left out when we drank our coffee . Now the social worker was happy : Tonino had caught back up at school . He had learned to do what people expected him to do . After class , he 'd come back home and run into his father 's room . He 'd climb up on the mattress , turn the sheets into a tent . He 'd hide under the bed , playing hide and seek , and Mario , who was too weak even to talk , would stretch out his arm and knock on the side of the bed . That was the signal , Tonino knew : his hiding place had been found . Once in a while he 'd ask me to give him my tools so that he could give Mario a manicure . " Listen to Mamma , be careful , " but I actually knew that Tonino used the nail file with a precision and patience that even I no longer had , not since my hands started shaking : with crayons and a coloring book , he 'd always scribble outside the line , but he had never gotten nail polish on a cuticle . That 's how Mario and I met : I 'd given him a manicure the morning of his wedding . And so now , even if Mario was barely conscious , I let Tonino do his nails . While Tonino was absorbing my profession , I was inheriting Mario 's . Not with his responsibilities , not with his salary . I could deal drugs , though : other women did it . The women on the ground floor just sat at their doorways until a certain hour every day , like tellers at a bank window . But I lived on the eighth floor , and I had to go all the way downstairs and into the street . Still , out on the outskirts of town , the hours were pretty convenient : from 6 : 30 until midnight , one in the morning at the latest . I 'd leave Tonino in front of the television and find him asleep . Until the end of November , it wasn 't cold , December was harder , but in December my neighbor set up a fireworks stall on the street ; we lit a fire in a metal drum , we bundled the kids up in overcoats , and we kept them with us until late . Tonino was at school when Mario died . I called the social worker . Thirty - six hours later , Tonino came home and walked straight into the bedroom without even putting down his book bag . I closed the front door ; then I turned and saw him , sitting on the floor , knocking on the side of the bed . Roberto had showed up just as the funeral procession was rounding the corner outside the church . But at the cemetery , when everyone came over to speak to me , I didn 't see him . He showed up again for the thirtieth - day requiem , listened to the entire Mass , and then saw me home . He 'd bring him back to me at eight o ' clock . I told him I 'd come downstairs to wait for him outside the gate : of all people , I didn 't want Roberto to see me dealing drugs . In the end , though , I 'm pretty sure that he knew . In my way , I thanked him for having left that matter in doubt . At first I thought he was only kidding me , but it was around June sometime when he said that . And it was on Saint Anthony 's Day - June 13 - that Mario last looked at the awning of this pharmacy with his own eyes . I think back on it now , but at the time I couldn 't have said how long Roberto and I had known one another , and this difference between his memory of the passing days and my own , if I 'd only understood , would have made it less of a surprise when he asked me to marry him . I knew right away he was interested in me , but marriage is another matter , and we had embraced only once , outside of the President movie theater , because I hadn 't sat down in a movie theater since Tonino was born . But he wasn 't stupid : he wasn 't encouraged by my feelings , he was encouraged by the fact that I had no choice . And it wasn 't a question of having a choice . It 's that , if you marry a man sooner or later you have to go to bed with him , and then it 's not just telling him thanks for doing you that favor nobody asked him for . Sooner or later , the day comes when you fight , when you 're tired , and you find yourself saying something you shouldn 't have , even if the terms of the deal are that you got married to live in peace . And that 's when I remembered the times when my nerves were shot , and Mario would come home and flop down onto the unmade bed in his work clothes , and Tonino had been out of control for hours , and maybe he hadn 't even have taken a nap in the afternoon , hadn 't slept for a minute , and I was behind with the housework , and I wished I could have had a hot meal ready for him , but the water wasn 't even boiling yet , and then Capisante might call him , and Mario would say : " I have to go out again in half an hour , " even when it was ten at night . And then I would start screaming and I 'd get angry and throw a plate at him , and he would curse my mother , who had made me the way I was , and he 'd come very close to hitting me . Then , later on , when I 'd calm my nerves by rinsing the salad , little by little I 'd stop ripping at the lettuce " Roberto , there 's nothing but crust and crumbs here ; there 's no proper bread for you . " That 's how I put it to him the next morning , at the front door of the apartment building , then I stroked his cheek and went back upstairs : because I had come down wearing slippers , and I didn 't like the other tenants to see me . Used to be there was only one road that ran from Gianturco to here . To get to Piazza Garibaldi , you had to leave yourself a good hour , with all the traffic and the gridlock . No one ever left themselves an hour : we thought that road was much shorter than the time it really took . But ever since they built the new thoroughfare , you can see who is coming , practically from your front door : our customers would arrive on motorbikes , or by bus . They 'd get out at the bus stop on the bridge , walk down the curve , along the guardrail . Smiles broke out on their faces under the orange streetlamps . " Wait there , " I said , and I turned around , walking over to the trash can . While I was reaching down for the fifty thousand - lire baggies , I was still far enough away to run . I could have gotten to the parked car , and then peeled out of there . Come back inside , take Staircase C , walk across the terrace , and make it back into the apartment . And once I was inside , there was no fucking way just two of them would come looking for me . In the apartment , I would have found Tonino 's half eaten meal , Tonino in front of the television set . I would have worried about it later , sitting on the balcony , with my neighbor : " This kid just isn 't eating , " I would have said , dangling one foot , bouncing my flip - flop on my big toe . But it had been two years now : nearly every evening I walked over to that trash can , ever since the city commissioner had installed the new urban furnishings . They had pulled up in trucks , when we still had cesspools instead of sewer lines , and if it rained for three days in a row , the filth would overflow , and we couldn 't send the children to school . And they had unloaded a hundred red plastic vases . The civil engineer who was measuring the distance from one vase to the next explained to us that they had been designed , especially for us , by a famous architect in Milan , who had also done work on the Public Gardens . As soon as they left , the kids started knocking them over , using staves they 'd ripped off of the benches as clubs . My neighbor carefully removed one and took it back to her apartment to use as a laundry hamper . Then , that evening , Capisante came by . He walked around one of the big red drums , and then spread the word not to destroy them . Ever since then , I had been fishing twenty - four - thousand - lire heroin baggies and fifty - thousand - lire cocaine baggies out of that can . They were tiny pouches that weighed much less than a half gram , and there were periods when there was practically no good shit at all in them , but even so , nobody complained much , or if they did , I didn 't hear about it . I walked that accustomed route on autopilot , without thinking . More importantly , I walked back , with the drugs , and with both feet pointing directly at the two undercover detectives , because I was tired , and when I 'm tired I prefer to believe that everything is fine . I didn 't say it because I was looking for an answer . I said it because it was the only thought tormenting me , as I climbed into the police car , and because the policewoman was the first woman I saw : " I have an eight - year - old boy , upstairs , and he has no one but me . " It 's something we need to take into account . We take it into account so seriously , that we aren 't frightened , and that 's the real challenge : to keep from being afraid . We know more or less what to say , we definitely know what not to say , who to wait for , what to ask for . The history and daily life of our quarter is so bound up with people going to prison and getting out of prison that I have never heard anyone say , to save face , to cover up their shame or embarrassment , that they were away for work , doing long - distance truck - driving , or working on a freighter , or that they had been sick , really sick , and in the hospital for the past few months . Prison doesn 't isolate , it brings us together . Seeing them come home from prison is like meeting up after the end of a war , telling stories to get over it , or saying nothing , so as not to think back on it . When Capisante 's brother - in - law finished his house arrest , they shot off fireworks at two in the morning from the main piazza . For men , it 's a major rite of passage : survive prison and you 're someone special , the bosses know that they can trust you , that they can give you bigger jobs , bigger responsibilities . It 's not the same for a woman . Unless you 're planning to become a boss yourself , and there aren 't many female bosses , for a woman the only possibility , the only training is to keep from ever thinking about it . You have to get used to not thinking about certain things . Tonino isn 't an overbearing child , but he 's no fool , either . And this middle way has always been a problem in our neighborhood . Tonino defends himself without reacting : he falls silent . When Mario and I would have fights in front of him , or when I yell at him , or when the social worker asks him a question to make him think about something he doesn 't want to think about , Tonino looks out the window , or if there 's no window , he looks at the floor or the ground , but beyond the floor , into the distance . Distant from me , from himself , from everyone . And when he looks into that distance , there is nothing you " First and foremost , I am a mother , " they kept saying . But it was bullshit . I think they liked to listen to themselves repeating those words in their minds , and they liked to hear themselves saying them out loud , but I knew from the start that those were empty words : motherhood ends if they take it away from you , if every time that you think about it you have to push it back under in order to survive . One day , I had a son , and another day , someone decided that it was no longer my job to raise him , that I am more at fault with the rest of the world if I stay on the outside than with Tonino if I wind up in prison , and so I am no longer a mother , as those women used to put it . I had a responsibility , which I could only accept by living . It 's not that I lived well , I made mistakes , I lived badly , very badly , but the only way I knew how to accept that responsibility was to make myself responsible for living . In jail , all that was left to me was the weight of responsibility . And even if I had been innocent , even if I hadn 't handed over baggies of cocaine to the police that day , even then the guilt would have grown all the time that I was in prison , for every minute that Tonino wondered where I was , or learned to stop wondering where I was . When I was awake , I managed pretty well : I would walk around in my cell , measuring the space with my body , but with time , that stopped working . We were each our body at age thirteen , when we couldn 't sleep belly - down because our mammary glands were demanding to grow , and then every month for all the years allowed to us . My body was Tonino 's time and space ; the hours : the interval between two breast - feedings . But prison isn 't a punishment of the soul for a soul that has erred , as the parish priest tried to tell us at Mass . It is the punishment of the body for a body that didn 't know how to do things any other way . Still , as long as I was awake I managed to keep my mind off of it : I would stand on tiptoes and tell about my last plunging necklines before winding up in this cell , and I had discovered a method for filing my nails on the stoneThe only thing was that I began to feel an anxiety deep inside . It was my soul , running frantically inside a body confined in a space four yards by three : as if , while I was standing still , doing nothing , there was someone in my head , running in my place , growing increasingly frantic , and never getting anywhere . But where she was trying to go , I still can 't say . The psychologist said that this was normal , that this anxiety of mine , just like the depressions other women experienced , are the two most common ways of trying to escape the present . They gave us colored plastic beads and fine black cotton strings , and told us to make bracelets . The first one I made I gave to Tonino as soon as I saw him in the recreation area . I tied three knots , tight around his wrist , and I told him never to take it off . The next week , he was back , without the bracelet . It was his last year in elementary school . I tried to imagine , at the other end of the bracelet , his teacher , and I wondered whether she had ever tried to imagine me . We made hundreds of bracelets for Christmas , and we all traded them for cigarettes . For my last Christmas in prison , I made a manger scene in the common room , and I had my picture taken lying in front of it , makeup applied with great care . On December 31 , a postcard arrived from Roberto . It was a picture of Via Toledo , from when carriages still clipclopped along it . On the back was written 325 in great big letters in the middle , and under that , Buon Anno , Roberto . Roberto had done his math : this was the beginning of my year of work - release , and he thought that for a few hours every day , I would be able to go where I wanted . But that wasn 't how it was : I worked every day in a cooperative from eight till three , then it was back to prison . Tonino was in a boarding school that was a two - hour drive away from me , and so every so often he would run away , make his way to the bus stop , board one without a ticket , and the ticket checkers - when they saw how tall he was - refused to believe that he was only eleven . I couldn 't tell him not to do it anymore . One afternoon , the buses weren 't running , and Tonino spent the night in the cooperative . The cooperative staff called the principal of the boarding school to reassure him , and he said that things couldn 't go on like this . Walking into the cooperative at eight in the morning and finding Tonino eating breakfast and chatting with the others was a real morning after such a long time . Once Tonino was on his way back , they told me to call the principal . Instead , I wound up going to see him : on a special furlough , with two plainclothes guards accompanying me one Sunday to the boarding school ; they left me there and told me that they 'd go to the main train station at three that afternoon to pick me up . I was going to surprise Tonino . Once the car door had slammed , I was left alone outside the boarding school 's garden . Here I was : I could go in . Or sit down on the low wall and smoke a cigarette . Or walk along the trolley tracks all the way to the beach . I felt like Luisa , the first day she walked without crutches on her stabbed leg ; I felt like Tonino the night that I didn 't come home . I walked in . I spoke to the principal , I told him that I didn 't have long to serve : a year isn 't long . That I had started a countdown : I left him thinking that one over , and I went to see Tonino , in the chapel where they were all attending Sunday Mass . As I walked in , the priest was holding up the wafer , and Tonino was brushing a lock of hair from his eyes . As he did , the nun kneeling behind him grabbed his arm and gave it a sharp tug . I dipped my finger in holy water , crossed myself , and walked over to the nun : " Listen , you . If you have problems with Tonino , you tell me about them . Get it ? Because his father 's dead , but his mother 's alive and well . Got it ? " I sank my fingernails into the heavy cloth of her habit . She started trembling . We started off toward Piazza Nolana because I wanted to take a look at the sea , even if it was just the harbor , but instead we only got as far as the church of Santa Maria del Carmine , because there was so much stuff laid out for sale on the sidewalk that it was impossible to get through . The fish market was shutting down , and the vendors were hosing down the street . The water flowed away downhill through the gate of Porta Nolana , and then I took a deep breath and asked him : " Tonino , tell Mamma , you 're not a faggot , are you ? " When it was just a few weeks till my sentence was up , deep inside I was still running , and instead of slowing down , the pace only sped up : and I was flattened by the pressure against the back wall of my cell , staring at the door , as if it was the first door I 'd ever seen in my life and I didn 't know what it was for . Day after horrible day of terror ; I stopped going to the cooperative , I stopped going outside during recreation hour . And then , all the same , I was released . I walk into the main entrance of number 325 , Via Toledo . Between the majolica coat of arms and the anodized aluminum elevator is the concierge 's little booth . I look around me ; the concierge raises her head and studies me . I ignore her and let her look . A gentleman walks in behind me , and he too looks around . The man leaves , she steps out of her booth , and we stand facing one another . The instant I look at her I know that she resembles Roberto , by certain tangled connections of facial features , she reminds me of him . I pull out of my pocket the postcard , folded in four : I hand it to her . She takes it and opens it . She reads the only thing that 's printed on it : house of detention . Then she returns to her booth and gets a bucket . From a door beneath the main stairs , we slip out into a series of narrow courtyards , we make our way through the belly of the apartment buildings , out toward the poorer quarters . And as we move away from the elegant commercial street , the buildings become darker , more smoke - stained : bundles of electric cables run along beside us like a handrail , when we start walking downstairs . She tells me to look at the marks in the tufa stone . After four or five flights of stairs , the neon lights become too dim , I can feel the dampness in my bones , even though it 's summer . We walk further along , down a straight corridor . I have the impression that we 're going toward the poorer quarters , toward the hill . The tunnel dead - ends into a wall . The concierge starts waving hello to the wall , and I turn at the whirring sound of a surveillance camera until I see it : it tilts the lens slightly to focus on us . Now the concierge starts talking quickly , complaining at some length because her sons are all grown up but they still live at home , her laundry hamper is always overflowing , even though she runs the washing machine three times a day , every blessed day , and when they finally move out and have to pay their own bills , oh they 'll understand what being wasteful means then . As she 's chattering away , she thrusts objects into my arms : a garden hose , a broom . She fills the bucket with rags , she grabs a box of Ava powdered detergent . The surveillance camera swivels as we move off down the hallway . She turns around , one last time , before we turn the corner , and smiles at the camera . " This is the safest place I know . Ever since I was four years old , every time I come down here I feel like a baby in her mother 's belly . And that 's why I put it here . " " Back then , you could still take the underpass to the other side of Via Toledo , and you came up inside the building across the way . Then , when the bank moved in , they closed the underpass with a big steel plate , and then they built that wall . But , evidently , they 're still worried . They must know that bad guys can get in from every direction , so they 've installed a surveillance camera too . They know who I am : I use the tunnel to store things . Let 's just say that if anyone tries to come down here without me , the police will be here in minutes : that 's why I keep it here . " I stir my coffee , and the box still sits there , in the bucket , beneath the cleaning rags I look at it , I continue to look at it , but I don 't reach out my hand . She has to give it to me . She finishes her coffee , then she picks it up and holds it out to me , with both hands . I take it the way I took the mail in prison , the way I picked up Tonino at night to suckle him , like something that is there for me , something that has arrived from another world . " My brother gave them to me four years ago , when he got married . He didn 't think it was safe once there was someone else in the house , even if it was his own wife . Until then , he had always kept them . " She puts the detergent box into a plastic shopping bag , and we step out into the street . The concierge looks over toward the bulletproof glass windows of the Banca Intesa and gestures with one hand to say : thanks , we got the coffee . Tonino is at the corner , near Onyx , waiting for me on his motorbike . His eyes are blue . The concierge looks at him , then she looks at me : I turn and leave , without saying a word in reply . We manage to make our way along the sidewalk , because construction is underway on the subway , but we drive carefully , cautiously , just grazing the bolts of silk piled on the stalls of the Chinese vendors . I stop outside the plate glass window of the pharmacy . I need to select a good post - depilation oil . And a lotion , not too dense , for massages . The women we work for expect the finest products : all they ask of us is the superfluous , the unnecessary , and money is no object where that is concerned . Beyond the Chicco brand baby rattles , in the reflections in the plate glass , I see myself on Via Marina , between the trees and the Loreto hospital , my image foreshortened in the distance . Mario had heard it , too , the motorbike coming , he 'd heard it before Roberto did , heard it more clearly too . He 'd recognized the message of pain that it was bringing . Many was the time that he 'd carried that same message , the same way . He 'd understood that they were looking for cocaine , and nothing else . They couldn 't know that the proceeds from the weekend 's sales were coming back to Capisante , deposited in eight different places around the city , in the form of interest - bearing treasury bonds . And Mario would have taken them to him , if only they had left him the chance . He 'd heard the motorbike coming up behind him when he was level with the last tree , he 'd dropped the bag between the trunk and the wall , maybe he was hoping to go back and retrieve it after they left . In a city drowning in garbage , nobody notices a plastic shopping bag . He figured they would have sent someone experienced and reliable , say Luigi , or Peppino , who knew what to say and where to strike . He had stepped off the curb , expressionless , perhaps without even tensing his back , the way I am doing right now . Roberto had picked up the bag while they were killing him . Then he had sat down on the ground , huddled on the curb , concealing the plastic bag and absorbing the horror . In the hospital bathroom , he had discovered his good fortune , his peril , his guilt , his dishonesty , his honesty , his doubt , and his hesitancy . Then Tonino had been placed into his arms . If he had given the bonds to me right away , perhaps I 'd never have gone to prison , or maybe I 'd have wound up there sooner . Maybe he was waiting for me to say I 'd marry him , so that he could bring them to me as part of a dowry , or maybe he was afraid to use them . Or he waited to forget about them so that he 'd know what to do with them . The boss assumed that the killers on the motorbike had taken the money the day they stabbed him , and that 's why he never asked me to give it back . I never even knew the money existed , and so nobody looked for it . And after all , for a boss that high up , the earnings of a single weekend might be enough to renovate his house , installing Versace tiles and toilet ; it wasn 't much more money than that . He certainly doesn 't know that with his heroin I 'm buying herbal masks for facials , the ones with honey : Tonino finds them easier to work with . There 's an old man in line ahead of me , and he 's trying to persuade the pharmacist to give him the same pills I took for my sleep therapy in prison . He says that he can 't find the prescription , but that he had it . I say they should give him the pills and not worry about it , I say that the pharmacist is taking on too much responsibility for the old man 's nights , that they go to university and study for years and they still don 't understand a thing . My psychologist too : she never got it right . When the anxiety finally leaves you , after all that time , you know it perfectly well . It 's like taking off a pair of stiletto heels and slipping into a pair of slippers . Your foot gradually resumes its normal shape , your ankles slowly relax . After a while , you start to drag your feet along the floor , your belly shFrom For Grace Received . Copyright 2009 by Europa Editions . By arrangement with the publisher . All rights reserved . Valeria Parrella was born in 1974 and lives in Naples . Since the publication in 2003 of her debut short story collection , Mosquito and Whale , she has been widely regarded as one of Italy 's most exciting young authors . Parrella is also the author of the novels The White Space ( 2008 ) and The Verdict ( 2007 ) . Antony Shugaar is an author and translator . His most recent publication , written with the International Spy Museum in Washington , D . C . , is I Lie for a Living : Dossiers on the Great Spies of All Time ( National Geographic Books , Spring 2006 ) . He is the coauthor of Latitude Zero : Tales of the Equator ( with Gianni Guadalupi ) ( Carroll & Graf , 2002 ) . Among his current and recent translations are History of the Holocaust in Italy ( Yad Vashem / University of Nebraska Press ) , History of the Mafia ( Columbia University Press ) , The Man Who Would Be King of France ( University of Chicago Press ) , Machiavelli 's God : Niccolœ Machiavelli 's Religious Beliefs ( Princeton University Press ) , Sixteenth - Century European Art ( Getty Trust , 2006 ) , Bios Theoretikos , A Life of Aristotle ( Princeton University Press , 2006 ) , Italy and Its Invaders ( Harvard University Press , 2005 ) , The Internet and the Madonna ( University of Chicago Press , 2005 ) , Words Are Stones : Three Days in Sicily ( by Carlo Levi , Hesperus Press , London , 2004 ) , Fleeting Rome : In Search of La Dolce Vita ( by Carlo Levi , John Wiley , London , 2004 ) , Niccolo 's Smile : A Biography of Machiavelli ( Farrar Straus & Giroux , 2000 ) , and The Judge and the Historian : Marginal Notes on a Late - Twentieth - Century Miscarriage of Justice ( by Carlo Ginzburg , Verso , 1999 ) . He is also a freelance journalist , and reviews for the Boston Globe and the Washington Post . Words without Borders opens doors to international exchange through translation , publication , and promotion of the best international literature . Every month we publish select prose and poetry on our site . In addition we develop print anthologies , work with educators to bring literature in translation into classrooms , host events with foreign authors , and maintain an extensive archive of global writing . |
Next » Death Of An Icon Published January 11 , 2017 | By Caryn Yesterday , I heard the news that one of the iconic giant sequoia trees , located in Calaveras Big Trees State Park , in California 's Sierra Nevada Mountains , is gone . The tree had been hollowed out to allow cars to drive through it . The Pioneer Cabin Tree , usually referred to as simply the " tunnel tree , " is estimated to be over 1 , 000 years old . It was knocked over by a powerful winter storm that slammed into California on Sunday . While the tunnel had been carved out of the tree , it was still very much a living tree . I immediately though back to a vacation my husband , Bob and I took a few years back , that took us through the scenic Redwood National Park in northern California . While the tree that we were able to drive through was not the one that was toppled in this storm , I still felt the loss of that amazing tree . The giant sequoia is the world 's largest tree , after all , and it is only found in the western slopes of the Sierra Nevada Mountains . It can reach a height of 325 feet . This particular tree , called the Pioneer Cabin Tree was actually hollowed out in about 1880 . For a long time , cars drove through the iconic tree , but in recent years , it was only accessible by hiking trail . I thought about the tree we drove through , and how much fun it was to see such a huge tree . I was quite saddened by the loss of this beautiful tree . Apparently , a volunteer , Jim Allday was in the park on Sunday when the tree came crashing down . It was about 2 pm , and the tree splintered on impact . The thing that he found most concerning was that visitors had been walking through the tree just hours earlier . He went out to the site to find the tree on the ground , and what looked like a pond or river running through it . The river was most likely the cause of the tree 's demise . The powerful winter storm brought heavy rain and snow to the area . It was the worst flooding in over a decade . The storm forced the closing of Yosemite National Park . It brought with it , hurricane - force winds of over 100 miles per hour . The wind and soggy ground were just too much for the giant tree . For people in the area , and anyone who has ever had the opportunity to see the tree and the park , it feels like losing a famous historical figure , and at 1 , 000 , it was a great historical figure indeed . 2 Comments Raising Baby Published June 18 , 2016 | By Caryn A couple of weeks ago , a baby bird fell out of it 's nest into our front yard . Our neighbor Mary Sanchez saw it first , and was careful not to disturb it when she mowed her lawn . The next day , when Bob and I came home and parked out front , we heard a commotion . I walked toward the hedge that separates our yard from Mary 's , and was surprised to see a squawking baby crow standing in the grass . It 's mom was nearby , warning me to stay away from her baby , so we backed away and left the situation alone . We weren 't sure if the mom was taking care of her baby , or what , so we watched closely . Very soon , there was no doubt that she was a good mom , and in fact there was also a good dad in this situation . A few days went by , and while we worried about cats , this little baby bird continued to thrive … miraculously . The day did come when we were forced to intervene . Our little baby bird decided to go and stand in the middle of the street … and it was a hot day . We debated on what to do about this situation , and determined that if we didn 't move it , a car was going to hit it , or the hot asphalt would kill it . So my brave husband donned a pair of gloves , picked the bird up , and moved it back toward our back yard … dodging the dive bomb attempts of the mother . All we could do then was stay away and hope the parents continued their great care of their baby . The baby continued to get bigger , and the parents were always around , so we decided that our bird rescue had been successful . Of course , like all children , the day came when our little bird again decided to go into the street , and so began bird rescue take 2 . Once again dodging the dive bombs of the mom , Bob picked up the bird and put it back near our back fence . That turned out to be to best plan , because the bird decided to check out the back yard , and we began to worry less . The baby has stayed in the back yard , and out of trouble for the most part . We had to chase off a cat twice , and now the parents are a little bit more tolerant of us … at least when the cat shows up . In fact , I think she likes us then . I have had the opportunity to get some great close up photos of the baby , and finally today , I was treated to the chance to observe lunchtime . Flying lessons have begun , but this is a big baby , and it 's wings aren 't long enough yet . Nevertheless , it 's parents know that it needs to build up its muscles so that when its wings catch up with its body , it will be able to fly . This has been a wonderful things to watch , and while we know that our little baby is still not out of danger , we have high hopes for it . One thing I can say for sure , this job of raising baby at 60 + years old is a lot to take on . I know now , why we all have kids when we are young . 4 Comments A Honeymoon For Christmas Published December 24 , 2015 | By Caryn Every year , as Christmas approaches , people head out in search of the perfect gift for those they love . Sometimes the hunt can be brutal . You have asked for a list , but they can 't come up with anything , or you don 't ask for a list , and simply hope you know them well enough to know what they would like . Either way , there are times that you just can 't find something you are satisfied with . Other years you are a shopping guru . You fly through your list with ease , and before you know it you are done . That is kind of how things were for my grandparents , when they were courting . They seriously found the best Christmas gift for each other … a honeymoon . Now , I don 't know if they got to got on any kind of a trip , but getting married on Christmas Eve meant that they got to start their life together for Christmas . Their first full day as husband and wife was Christmas Day . Not everyone would consider Christmas Eve to be the best day for a wedding , and I can understand that , with everything else that is going on during the Christmas season . My grandparents were of a different mind on that . For them , as for many people in those days , weddings tended to take place when the family was all gathered together . Christmas was a perfect time for that . So , since they wanted to get married anyway , they set it for Christmas Eve , so it didn 't interfere with Christmas Day . It all seemed very practical I 'm sure , but for my grandparents , I 'm sure it felt quite different . Excitement over starting their new life together must have completely overshadowed the traditional Christmas celebrations . Waking up next to each other on that first Christmas morning , must have been like being a little kid rushing downstairs to see what Santa Clause brought them for Christmas … except you already knew . They gave each other a honeymoon for Christmas , as well as a whole new life . in that way , I can understand their decision to marry on Christmas Eve . And they aren 't alone in that choice either . My cousin Raylynn Richards Williams and her husband Doug felt the same way about a Christmas Eve wedding as our grandparents did so many years ago . Maybe Raylynn and Doug chose Christmas Eve because Grandma and Grandpa did , or maybe they chose Christmas Eve because they liked that time of year . I 'm not sure , but I 'm sure that no matter the reason , if you choose to marry on Christmas Eve , you will have , as part of your honeymoon , the Christmas Day celebration , and that has to be special . I 'm so thankful for my grandparents , who found each other , and started this wonderful family , of which I am a part . And for Raylynn and Doug , Happy Anniversary , and Merry Christmas , both Eve and Day . 4 Comments The Apple Doesn 't Fall Far Published November 13 , 2015 | By Caryn We often don 't realize how much we are like our parents or our children are like us , until a picture provides us with the realization that the thing we thought was so cute they our child did , was not so very different than the things we did at their age . That very thing jumped out at me when I was looking at this picture of my sister , Cheryl Masterson and me holding our cats when we were little girls . I was probably about the same age then as my daughter , Amy Royce was when she , because of her love for her kitties wanted to hold the two of them at once . Because her little arms were not able to keep the kitties held around their tummies , they ended up being held around their necks . I was always impressed with those sweet cats , in that they did not scratch my little daughter for putting them in that precarious position , but rather seemed to understand that she loved them and that she was doing her best . I have seen cats scratch a child for less , but our cats never did . Had I known then , what I do now , I might have thought to get a picture of Amy holding our cats by their necks , but while I thought it was very cute , and I have never forgotten it , somehow , I never thought to take that picture , and so the kitty events of Amy 's past live only in my memory files now . Nevertheless , looking at the picture my parents did think to take , I can see that the apple certainly doesn 't fall far from the tree . Quite possibly , Amy got her kitty handling skills from her mom , since the neck seemed to be the easiest place for me to hold my kitties too , and since they don 't look particularly upset be the whole situation , I guess they didn 't scratch me either . There are many ways that Amy is my mini - me , and this picture just goes to show that . We are alike in our personalities , and in the way we do things … although I must say I was surprised to find that when it came to handling cats , we were exactly the same too . What I find equally surprising is that our cats never took our clumsiness out on us . They just instinctively knew that we loved them very much , and that was enough for the cats . I can imagine that my mom and dad tried repeatedly to get me to hold the kitties differently , but somehow it always ended up the same … just like it did with Amy . Cats can be mean , and scratch you for the slightest infraction of the rules of pet care , but I think that when they know that you are a little kid , and that you are doing your best , they tend to cut you a little slack . I don 't think I ever hit the cats or pulled on their tails , and I know that Amy didn 't either . Our cats just knew that we were their little human , and they loved us very much . That shows in the amount of time they spent around us , even if we were asleep . Yes , in pet interests , as well as many other areas of life , the apple doesn 't fall far from the tree . Leave a comment Little Brother Published February 23 , 2015 | By Caryn I never had a little brother … or any brother for that matter , until I married Bob . I had a brother - in - law then , but no brothers . If I could have picked a little brother , I think he would have been just like Bob 's brother , Ron Schulenberg , so I guess it 's perfect that he was the one I got . Yes , he was my brother - in - law too , but he was so young when I married Bob , just six years old , so he just didn 't seem like a brother - in - law to me . I remember taking him with us on dates sometimes . He got to go to Dairy Queen more than any six year old there ever was , I 'm sure , because how many little kids got to go on dates with their older brother . Most older brothers didn 't want their kid brother hanging around them at all , much less on dates , but Bob and Ron always got along well . They still do to this day too . Whenever one of them has a project going , and they need help , they know that they only have to call , and the other one will be there to assist . It is a blessed kind of relationship that the two of them have always had . Oh there were the ups and downs too , I 'm sure , but the bad times never lasted very long . Ron was an uncle pretty early on too , since my daughter , Corrie Petersen was born when he was just seven years old . Growing up , my girls must have almost felt like he was their older brother too , because they saw a lot of him . I don 't recall them ever fighting too much like siblings do , so I guess he took his uncle duties very seriously , and acted very mature . Of course , by the time my girls were old enough to fight with him , he was closer to being a teenager , so maybe he didn 't feel the need to fight with them . I remember one time when we were out cutting down trees for firewood , Ron found a deformed tree , and since the girls had come along that time , he took them out to that tree , and set them up in it . It looked like a chair . They thought it was the coolest thing , so we got a picture of them in that tree , and their Uncle Ron staRon is grown and married now . His wife , Rachel had a daughter , Cassie , who is married , and two little boys , Riley and Tucker , so he gets to spend lots of time with little kids again . I think he is so good with little kids , because he has had so much practice … practically all his life . He went from being a good uncle to being a good dad . Nevertheless , while he is over six feet tall now , he will always be my little brother , so he might as well get used to that . Today is Ron 's birthday . Happy birthday Ron ! ! Have a great day ! ! We love you ! ! 1 Comment Moo Lights Published December 22 , 2014 | By Caryn This time of year , everything is so exciting for the little ones in our lives … and even for the not so little ones . The littlest ones especially find the lights , gifts , candy , and the excitement of it all to be almost more than they can believe . Their eyes light up as brightly as the Christmas tree , and keeping their little hands away from the tree and gifts can prove to be really difficult . On Thursday nights , I spend the evening with my mom , Collene Spencer and my sister , Cheryl Masterson . With school activities and Christmas shopping to do , my niece Jenny Spethman often drops her daughter , Aleesia off at my mom 's so she can spend a little time with her grandma and great grandma . That means I get to see quite a bit of her too , and she is so much fun to be around at this age . She is such a goofy little girl anyway , and I don 't know if it 's the candy or the season , but she becomes even more goofy . I have had a chance to hear Aleesia say a lot of things , and believe me they are all just as cute as they can be . She always calls the movie Despicable Me , Spicable Me and the Minis . She calls my mom , her great grandma , GeeGee . She loves to say Paaaaleese with her grandma . These are common mispronunciations among little kids to be sure , but such fun to hear the kids say . And as we all know , kids grow up so fast that before you know it they can say all their words without mispronunciation , and those cute little sayings days are gone . This last week , while my niece , Jenny was shopping , Aleesia and her brother Zack were at Mom 's house and we were watching kid movies . It 's funny how easily you can get used to those kid shows , when there is a little one around trying to say all the words they aren 't sure how to pronounce . That night though , Aleesia was having a lot of trouble concentrating on the movie . She kept touching the tree and pointing to the tree . Then she got up on the couch and looked out the window and saw the lights on the other houses and said , " Moo Lights ! ! " I laughed in spite of myself . I knew that she was trying to say " more lights " , but in my head I pictured cow - shaped lights . It was such a funny thought , that I could not keep a straight face . Of course , what would Christmas be without candy . Christmas especially seems to be filled with baking of cakes , pies , cookies , and candy . By the time the holiday is over , the kids have had so much candy that is takes a couple of weeks to bring them back to earth . My sister , Cheryl had a really difficult time limiting the amount of candy Aleesia had . Aleesia kept coming back for more , saying , " Chocoleet ! " She placed a strong emphasis on the " leet " part , and her high little voice just made it sound so cute . Of course , it was chocolate , but any candy would have been just fine . I know that these days are very short , at least for Aleesia mispronouncing word , so I am very thankful that I have had the opportunity to be around to hear her funny little sayings . They will most likely be said only this year , and then next year , she will either not mispronounce words , or the mispronunciations will be entirely different words . Either way , I think I will always smile when I look at Christmas lights , because the thought of cow - shaped lights called Moo Lights will always be in my memory files . Leave a comment True Tree Beauty Published December 3 , 2012 | By Caryn As we head into the Christmas season , my mind wanders back in time , to when I was a child , and Christmas was drawing closer . Mom and Dad loved Christmas , so the tree went up as early as possible . Decorating our Christmas tree was always a big deal . Of course , back then , we had a real tree , in fact I don 't think there were any artificial trees back then . The evening started with Dad cutting the tree to the right height , so it wouldn 't bend at the ceiling , but somehow , with the star on top it would almost touch the ceiling . The house was filled with the wonderful scent of pine , and we were filled with anticipation . Once the tree was up , Mom and Dad would string the lights and garland , while the room was filled with the voices of all of us as we sang Christmas Carols and ate the wonderful snacks Mom had prepared for the occasion . Finally it was time to start decorating the tree . Each of us girls had our own ideas on true tree beauty , and while we didn 't always agree on what that was , we all managed to work through our differences to create a tree that we were all happy with . And we always thought that the current year 's tree was the best ever … and maybe it was , because as we got older , I 'm sure ornaments were more evenly spaced , and our choices of placement put more of the elegant ornaments in front . Those days of family tradition and all of us being together have changed a lot over the years . As more of us married or had to work , the traditional Christmas decorating event changed until eventually it was completely unlike the ones I remember as a child , but the love and the spirit was always there . While each family has their own traditions now , and it is Jessi and some of the other grandkids who come to decorate the tree for Mom and Cheryl , to me it will always be Mom and Dad who really made Christmas what it was when I was a kid . Their love of the Lord and their love of His birthday surrounded our home at that time of the year . They showed us what the Christmas spirit was all about , at Christmas and all year round . Leave a comment Here Comes Christmas Published November 24 , 2012 | By Caryn This time of year seems to be filled with family traditions . Family dinners , shopping , and decorating all play a part . For our family , the day after Thanksgiving , being Black Friday is shopping day , and the Saturday after Thanksgiving , is decorate the Christmas tree day . Since my girls are grown and married , it is the grandkids and me doing the decorating each year . We always have such a good time . The kids are getting older now , all teenagers , so there is a fair bit of goofing off and yet , they are much more help now too . The boys can handle the lights and garland , where before they always had to wait until I got the lights and garland on before they helped with just the ornaments . This is a tradition I really enjoy , because it gives me time to be with my grandchildren doing something that is lots of fun and that we all enjoy . I think the kids look forward to it too . If one of them has to work , they are really disappointed , so we try to make sure that doesn 't happen . That can mean doing the decorating at different times each year , but that is ok , as long as there is a way to do it together . We usually try to add Christmas carols to the mix , to put everyuone into the Christmas spirit . I don 't so much like it when the stores start playing Christmas music before Halloween , but once Thanksgiving is over , it 's just the right time . By then I 'm ready … or as much as I ever will be … to start thinking about all that shopping , decorating , cooking , cleaning , and … fun ! ! ! Here comes Christmas everyone ! ! Are you ready ! ! Leave a comment Up A Tree Published September 19 , 2012 | By Caryn When kids go outside to play a lot , you will find them climbing the trees eventually . This might be more common with boys than girls , but I don 't really think so . Every kid I have ever come across loved climbing the trees . Whether it is in a tree house , or just pretending to be a bird , it just gives a sense of freedom that can 't be found anywhere else . Bob was one of those kids that loved climbing the trees . With 4 sisters , and no brother until he was 14 years old , I have to wonder if he climbed trees to be alone , of course , if you look at this picture closely , you will see that one of his sisters was in the tree too … in a dress ! ! Still , Bob was higher up , so that would make him the better climber … right . I 'm sure that is what he thought anyway . As I said , Bob always loved to climb trees , but I can 't say that it was always the best idea . There was the time that he fell out of the tree , and tried to break his fall by landing on his arm . Needless to say the arm was broken . I don 't know if he ever fell out of a tree again , but he never landed on his arm again … too painful I guess . I never fell out of a tree , although I did climb them as a kid . I don 't think I was very adventurous when it came to heights , so even though I climbed , it wasn 't that high and I stayed pretty close to the trunk . I did have a cousin that I was climbing a tree with the fell out when we were climbing . Terry was just below me and when he stepped on a dead branch , it broke and down he went . That made me nervous about climbing after that . I don 't know how he felt about it . Nevertheless , most kids have a great time in a tree . Their imaginations can run wild , as the breeze blows through their hair . No wonder kids love tree houses . It is like a place of their own , away from the rules of parents , teachers , and such … at least for a little while . If you ask me , there is no better place for a kid to be than up a tree . Leave a comment Tree Chair Published August 8 , 2012 | By Caryn For a number of years , we went with my father - in - law and the guys in the family , to the Shirley Mountains to cut up downed wood to bring home for firewood . Sometimes the girls got to come with us . When they came , we tried to turn things into an adventure . If you wander around the woods long enough , you are bound to find something that is unusual . Sometimes trees and other plants can take on unusual forms . While exploring the area around where we were working , the kids found a tree that was so totally deformed that it went up a ways and bent straight over and then curved back up again . I suspect that it may have been struck by lightning or maybe the wind partially broke it , and then persevered to continue growing . It was , to say the least , a very strange sight … and one tough tree . What happened to it didn 't really matter to my daughters . Corrie and Amy were completely thrilled with this tree . When it swung down to the ground , it came down quite low , and it made the perfect , goofy tree chair . They spend the rest of the day playing around it and having a great time . They liked the tree so much that they wished they could take it home . Of course , we all know that was impossible , so we took a picture of it so they could always remember it . They talked about that tree for quite some time , and have looked in other places we have camped to see if they can find more of them . Kids can make an imaginary world using lots of things . My girls loved to play house and clubhouse , so having a chair appear out of the middle of a forest , made out of a tree , was very cool to them . It was a like a whole new way to play . They imagined living in the forest , the mountains in the old west , or maybe a tree house . I can 't say as I blamed them for coming up with so many ways to imagine their lives to be . We have all have wanted to live an adventure , and maybe … just for a minute , my girls got to do just that . |
ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : So how has this disease changed you ? Today on my truck , I had a call for an 88 yr old female who was having high blood pressure . It was pretty high , 196 / 119 . When we took her vitals and put her on our monitor her heart rate was also high at 150 bpm . She was a sweet lady and she told me she just had a pacemaker put in around Christmas Time . She also told me that she just took a nitro to try and lower her blood pressure . She was worried about having a stroke . We packaged her up , transferred her to our gurney and got her to the hospital . Nice part about this call is as we were leaving for the hospital her heart rate and her blood pressure came down . My question is why is it that this pretty elderly lady is lucky enough to have her own mind and take care of herself at age 88 when my father in law couldn 't take care of him self at 76 . My grandmother is 99 yrs old and she can take care of her self . What was it that she did different than my father in law . And what about me or my husband . What does our future have in store for us . Alzheimer 's is such a terrible disease . I have to admit this disease scares me . I want to know who my children and grandchildren are as I grow old . What are your thoughts ? Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Has this disease changed you as a person ? Reading my book , I checked out October 23 , 2002 . I wrote : Hey , this is just a venting note . Sometimes it is not easy taking care of someone with Alzheimer 's . Today I started out by getting up at 5 a . m . and running a couple of miles with Gina , my 15 - year - old daughter . I got Dad up and dressed and gave him his coffee . Then we started our trip to pick up the people we were spending the day with . I picked up my 80 yr old Aunt who doesn 't know anyone and is lonely while her 80 yr old husband is busy working because he won 't retire . Drove to Joliet , about 35 miles away , with Dad telling me how to drive because he was a truck driver all his life and I 'm not going the right way . I picked up my other two aunts , ages 80 and 90 , and waited for a couple of young people to show up , ages 60 and 43 . We went to the nursing home first , before lunch , to visit another aunt . Then we went to the restaurant , where my sister - in - law took over and ordered for my father - in - law . That hurt my feelings since I am Dad 's main caretaker and I only work 36 hours a week now . On the way home Dad complained that I was taking the long way home and again , declared that I don 't know where I am going . When we get back , he tells me that his daughter lives with him but I can come in for a while if I 'd like . Later I find him out in the garage without a coat on , complaining because the boxes are cluttering up the place and he has to fix it . Right now . I try to explain to him Jimmy is in the middle of cleaning out the garage but Dad is snapping at me . I 'm not complaining , just venting . I will go running in a few minutes and I will feel better . But this is a part of the disease that is so hard . He doesn 't know who we are or what we are doing . He doesn 't understand that you are doing for him because you want to and because you love him . It is a lot harder on Jimmy because this is his father . But when Dad snaps at me when I 'm trying to help , I have to remind myself that he doesn 't know what he is sayingPosted by ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : How has this disease affected you ? Going back into time I remember one day when my father in law asked my husband what he ( dad ) did for a living . Jimmy told him that he was retired and receives a pension check every month . Dad shook his head and seemed to be alright with that answer . But about ten minutes later my father in law asked Jimmy to tell him when he ( dad ) goes to work and when does he come home ? Jimmy told him that he doesn 't go to work anymore . Dad looked puzzled and Jimmy told him again that he was retired and receives pension checks . Unfortunately that went on for a couple of hours . Later that night we were all in bed , yet I heard dad up . I told him that it was bed time and that he had to go to bed . It was around eleven pm at night . I gave him his pajamas to put on but dad was being stubborn . He was angry with me , and quite short with me . He took a long time to put his pajamas on and getting angry with me because I kept checking up on him . He was getting noisy and yelling at me , and Jimmy finally had enough . He went into the room and yelled at his father . Dad just got into bed , I put the sheets and blankets on him and he went to sleep . But poor Jimmy was feeling very frustrated and mad at himself . This disease can take a lot out of you , and show a side of you that you didn 't know you had . I would love to hear your stories . Please comment : ) Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : How has this disease changed you as a person ? It is different to everyone . This disease - Alzheimer 's - not only changes the mental behavior and personality of the one who is stricken . It can and many times does , change the behavior of the caretaker as well . This is a little piece from my husband . First a little bit about my husband 's relationship with his father . There was never a time when he didn 't think his father loved him with his whole heart . And Jimmy felt the same . Joe was a good father , great husband , and just a great man . When they were young they would always find things to argue about , but it was never violent or cussing . As Jimmy got older the arguing began to subside and they drew closer to each other . This disease is very frustrating , and aggravating . Jimmy was having trouble having patience with his father . He will shamefully say he cursed at him , pinched him , pulled him , pushed him , and treated him by far much worse than he had treated anyone else in the world . It wasn 't until Joe died that the shame set in an and Jimmy would apologize many times a day to his father , asking forgiveness for days , weeks , and months . He was ashamed and horrified beyond words for his actions . I wanted to share this with you . I want you to know that you are not alone . That this disease plays differently with every one and we are not all proud of what it did to us , and how we treated our loved one , but we can learn from it . The purpose for writing this book is to let you see what it did to this family , and how differently we were all affected by it . It is something to read and consider before you take on this awesome responsibility . Any thoughts on this matter ? How is this disease affecting your family ? Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : HOW HAS ALZHEIMER ' S CHANGED YOU AS A PERSON ? HOW WERE YOU CHANGED AS A PERSON ? HAS YOUR LIFE OR YOUR FUTURE BEEN CHANGED AS A RESULT BECAUSE OF YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH ALZHEIMER ' S ? I would love to her from you to see how this terrible disease has changed you . For me I began to realize more than ever how precious life is . I realized that growing old with your loved one may not be a fun experience . I always thought the golden years were to be the time that you and your spouse were going to see the world , and enjoy life now that you were enjoying retirement . My views have changed on that since dealing with my father in law and his Alzheimer 's . I always knew life was a gift , but now more than ever I want to experience what ever I can while we still have our senses about us and before one of us starts to get dementia . I know everyone does not get this disease . My grandmother is going to be 100 yrs old next March and she has been getting a little confused just these last couple of years . Yet she still bakes cookies , and rides a three wheel bike . But on the other hand , her husband did get Alzheimer 's about 20 yrs ago and died a couple years after that . I would love to hear from you . Tell me how this terrible disease has changed you . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . http : / / www . mariefostino . comwww . blogspot . com www . google . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : This week on Alzheimer 's Weekly there is a talk and video about Caregivers Getting Support . It talks about the average person taking care of a parent is in their forties and they are sandwiched in between taking care of their own children and now there parents . Please use this link to read it : http : / / www . alzheimersweekly . com / Caregivers / caregivers - get - support - a686 . htmlI have been there , so I really know what they mean . I was so tired , between taking care of my father in law and working part time and raising my last child of five while she was in high school . It was such a help when I found a day care of the elderly . At first I used them a couple of times a week , but eventually I ended up using them five days a week . This was time well spent whether I took a nap or took an outing with my family . You have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of someone else . Watch this video , and hopefully you will find some comfort knowing you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with getting some help . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : My mind is busy going into the past . I can 't help but think of my father in law and how much I miss him . My inlaws were one of the things that helped sway me to marry my husband . I loved my husband , but his parents were some of the nicest people I had ever met . They took me in with such loving arms when I met them . They didn 't judge me , and just accepted me the way I was . I remember the first fight my husband and I had after we got married . My mother in law talked to me , and did not take sides . She just told me what she thought and told me that we had to try ourselves to make it work . I remember when my husband got laid off in Chicago and he got a job in Houston . My father in law came over and helped us with the move , showing me how to open the top of the over and clean it . I was so young and dumb . He never judged me , he just helped me and taught me . Than my husband and I were having marital problems . We were living in San Antionio , and I had just filed for a divorce . My father in law drove a truck from Chicago , and helped pack me and my five children up and drove us to his house to live untill my husband and I figured out what we were doing . Alzheimer 's took my father in laws personality away from him . He was not the same person whom I knew when I married into the family . But my memories of the loving man he was , is what made me want to take charge of him . And even though I got mad at myself for getting upset with him at times , I also had times I just loved having him around . I MISS HIM . This is just me thinking out loud . Just to let you know that you are not alone . Read my book , and feel the love we had for him and how as a family we got through this terrible disease . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Put your self in his shoes . It is midnight when I get a call for a patient with fast pulse rate . We get to the nursing home and the nurse tells me this patients pulse is running 140 beats per minute . Also he is on oxygen and his oxygen sats are only 91 % on 4 liters of oxygen . She asks me to wait because she is not finished with her paper work . As I am at the nurse station first I see an elderly women in a wheel chair sitting there awake , but very confused . As she tries to walk her wheel chair down the hall a little the nurse runs to her and puts her back in the same spot telling her she can 't leave . I go through my patients paper work to see he has a history of atrial fib , has pneumonia and is on an antibiotic . The nurse tells me to make sure that this patient keeps his nasal cannula on . I remind the nurse that I drop off the patient at the hospital and she may need a sitter to sit with this patient if she is worried about him keeping on his oxygen . She states she can 't and calls a relative to let them know that the patient is leaving . Now I am in my patients room . He is 89 yrs old , can 't see very well , can 't hear very well , and is confused as to why we are bothering him . Patiently we put him on our gurney , put on a ecg monitor to see that his pulse is running 55 beats per minute to 140 . His oxygen sats for us are 98 % . The nurse comes in and states she can feel his heart beating with her hand on his chest and that can 't be good . We put in an IV , Pulse ox , oxygen , and ecg monitor and bring him to the hospital . I am thinking that this patient has to be very scared , confused , and very tired . He doesn 't know who we are , and why we are getting him in the middle of the night . We need to think of how we are taking care of our elderly . We need to put our self in there shoes . Just food for thought . If you are reading this , try and get my book . Maybe it will help you as you go through the journey with your loved one through this terrible disease . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboardPosted by ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : I had been writing down in a journal just to keep track of how Dad was progressing . We had moved into my father - in - laws home and Jimmy wasn 't doing very well with this situation . Dad told Jimmy he wanted us to take him home , and told us he liked it here with us but he needed to check on his house . At first Jimmy was calm talking to Dad , telling him that this was his home . But the conversation did not end and Jimmy now was arguing with Dad . Jimmy felt defeated and finally admitted that he has to learn just to agree with Dad . He finally realized that he could not change Dad 's mind or make him understand . The next day the same thing happened and Dad wanted us to take him home . So I took him for a ride in the car to show him his home . After we drove up the street , I asked Dad if anything looked familiar . Dad said , " Yes , I live around here . Hey , my house is around here . Where are we going ? " I explained to him that he wanted to find his house so I was going to show it to him . He replied that he knows where he lives and he never said such a thing . I drove up the driveway , and Dad told me he lives here and seemed agitated . I hope this helps you as you find yourself in a incident where you feel defeated , confused , agitated , and very alone . Remind yourself this is the disease and not your loved one . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Dad use to get confused . He had a routine that I use to try to keep . He would like his cup of coffee in the morning and than take a nap . Than I would have him change his clothes . I remembered one time when I laid his clothes on his bed . He would come out telling me he is ready but I noticed he only changed his shirt and not his pants . So I sent him in his room again to change his pants . He told me he did , so I showed him the dirt on his pants and sent him back into his room with the clean pants . He came out again with the dirty ones on saying he changed them . After three times of sending him in his room to change his pants , I finally kept the clean pants outside the door with me . I told him to take off the dirty ones and pass them to me , and than I passed him the clean ones . Bless his heart , I heard him say , " I 've never changed into so many pairs of pants in one day before . " Remember you can not be in a hurry with a loved one with Alzheimer 's . You need more patience and time and compassion . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : Today is starting out as an interesting day . First I have a cute 63 yr old female who can not use her left side of her body because of an old CVA . So the aid has her sitting on her bed , trying to stand up , to get into her wheel chair , but she slips and falls and the left side of her face is swollen and bruise with pretty purple under her eye . OUCH . Than when I am at the hospital , I am listening to a nurse trying to talk to a patient who has dementia , and telling her where she is going . The poor patient does not understand her and keeps asking her the same question over and over again . The nurse is getting frustrated talking to her repeating her self over and over again . OK my feelings here are on the patient and how confused as to what is going on , why it is going on , and no family around . Next I talk to a doctor about how are elderly are in a nursing home vs home . He says it is to hard to watch them at home , plus how are you suppose to work if you have to stay home and baby sit . We will see how the rest of the day goes . Imagine being in your loved ones shoes with Alzheimer 's . They don 't understand what is going on and the people don 't understand them . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint of James A Rock Pub . , Co . http : / / www . mariefostino . com / www . blogspot . comwww . google . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : So you found out your parent is forgetting things . And each time you see them it gets worse . What do you do ? Is it Dementia or Alzheimer 's ? Can they still live alone ? Will they be safe ? Do they have any other medical problems that also need to be taken care of ? These are some of the questions that go through your head when your loved one is forgetful . Your loved one may live in their own home or apartment . Or they may have already moved into a living area for seniors only where they can get the help of a nurse if need . Do you move them to something they are not familiar with ? Will they get more confused ? Do you move in with them ? Do you put them into a nursing home ? Do you move them into your home ? So many decisions to make and so much research that needs to be done . We chose to move in with my father in law . It is a personal decision . I wanted to try and let him have a normal life until the end . I thought he deserved that . It was not an easy task , picking up and moving . For me it was the right choice . But for you it may be different . Please check out the different Alzheimer 's Sites before you make your decision . I want to tell you that either way you choose you will feel guilt . Maybe you feel guilty because you put them in a nursing home . But you were not able to take care of them at your home and it was for the best . Maybe you feel guilty while living with them because they can get on your nerves . Remember you are only human . There is no right or wrong answer . And please remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE . Read my book and see my adventure with Alzheimer 's . I hope it will help you . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : One of the favorite things my father in law like to do was eat . I use to take him in the car for a 30 minute ride to pick up a couple of his sister in laws . We would than go to a nursing home to see another sister in law . Than the four of us would go out to eat . He let the women help him walk and let me help him with the ordering . When the ladies would talk to him , he seemed to know who they were . But when I dropped them off and he told them goodbye we wouldn 't drive to long before he would be asking me why we were in the car . When I told him who we saw and what he did , he would want to call them and ask them if I was telling him the truth . Alzheimer 's is a very strange disease the way it plays with the persons mind . When this happens to you and they can 't remember who you are or who they were with . Just remember , it is the disease . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : How to prepare the house for continue safety : WONDERING : Keep a bracelet on them with there name , address , phone numbers , and allergies . My father in law would wonder out of the house but I was lucky . He would walk down to the mail box and back to the front door . Of course I had to keep an eye on him , and I could watch him from the kitchen window . DRESSING : As time goes on and the Alzheimer 's gets worse , I found it was easier for dad to get dressed if I only gave him one piece of clothing at a time . He seemed to get mixed up if all the clothes were in front of him . BATHING : My father in law use to fight me when it came to taking a bath . I kept a bath chair in the tub for him and would already have the water in the tub . At first I would tell him it is his turn to bath and he would go in the bathroom and turn the water on in the sink , wash his face and walk out telling me he took a bath . So finally I had to help him undress and get into the tub . He would yell at me asking me why I didn 't make him bathe when he was in the army . Than he would go off on a tangent yelling at me as to why I made him kill women and children in the army . But unfortunately as the Alzheimer 's progressed he would sit on the bath chair and do as he was told until it finally progressed and he didn 't know how to bath and I would be bathing him . TOILETING : Of course at first dad could use the toilet . But as time went on , I use to put him on the potty like he was a child trying to guessed when he would need to go until finally he had to wear depends . Even with the depends I would try and put him on the potty so he wouldn 't be to embarrassed . LATE AFTERNOON / EVENING PROBLEMS : I call this time Sun downing . This was the time he would get agitated , and want to wonder even more . I tried to keep him busy with puzzles or cards that I would play with him . That didn 't always do the trick . I tried to put him on a schedule . In the mornings and early afternoons my schedule worked but towards the evenings I could not keep one . It always dependePosted by ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Have you read Alzheimer 's Weekly today ? MEDITERRANEAN DIET PROTECTS MEMORY AND THINKINGA Mediterranean diet may help people avoid the small areas of the brain damage that can leadto problems with thinking and memory , according to a study released today that will be presented at the American Academy of Neurology 's 62nd annual meeting in Toronto April 10 to April 17 , 2010 . The study found that people who ate a Mediterranean - like diet were less likely to have brain infarcts , or small areas of dead were less likely to have brain infarcts , or small areas of dead tissue linked to thinking problems . ( An infarct happens when blood passage is slowed or completely blocked by clotting . ) Please read this whole article . http : / / www . alzheimersweekly . com / Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint of James A Rock Pub . , Co . http : / / www . mariefostino . com / www . mariefostino . blogspot . comwww . google . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : What a wonderful evening . Happy Valentines Day . Yes it is a day early but here in sunny Phoenix , Az Alzheimer 's Association had their 2010 Gala Ball . It was at the Phoenician Resort . It was beautiful as we drove up the street into the yard of this resort with trees , flowers a water fall and a golf course with the prettiest green grass . Of course the weather here is a warm . It was a fancy affair , women had to wear a black dress and the men had to wear black dress pants , white dress shirt , black tie , and black suit coat . We were volunteers and each had a job . My husband 's and my job was to usher people into the ballroom and help with the live auction . The resort was breath taking as we walked inside looking for the ballroom . the chandeliers were lots of cut glass that was sculpted into a cute design and the way the light passed through it was pretty . The lights on the wall resembled the chandeliers . There were tables lined up against the wall with a silent auction going on . Women were passing around appetisers and wine . A couple girls were passing around candy . There was also a photographer . It was amazing to see the people come in so dressed up in beautiful clothes coming to this event . A red rose was handed to everyone who paid for the affair . Dinner included SALAD : Roasted Wild Mushroom Salad , Seasonal Greens , Parmesan Cheese , Pear Tomatoes , Mustard Vinaigrette . ENTREE : Blue cheese and Herb Crusted Filet Mignon w / Merlot Demi Glaze , Cauliflower Potato Puree Roasted Butternut Squash , Sauteed Spinach & Oven Dried Tomato . DESSERT : Dark Chocolate Mousse Dome with Macadamia Parfait Caramelized Nuts . coffee & tea service - glass mountain chardonnay and Cabernet SauvignonThere was a live auction , paddle appeal , plus just some donating of money . In the end was Dancing . A couple from Fred Astaire was there dancing for every one also . There were a few couples that had to be in there 70 's or more and they were on the dance floor cutting the rug . I loved seeing that . I think about 180 people paid to go to tPosted by ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Today has been a real busy day on my ambulance . It breaks my heart when I have a patient who takes a lot of pills to hopefully try to end their life . Than it doesn 't work and we show up to take them to a hospital to get medically cleared and than to a psych facility . Don 't they know life is a gift . It really did hurt my heart today for a 66 yr old male with dementia , who has had a fracture of his right hip Jan 1 of this year and this is the third time it got dislocated . He is in so much pain . He doesn 't remember if any one gave him anything for pain but the nursing home did . It just takes time to work . ugh So I have this man moaning in pain asking for more morphine . Yet after we got him to the hospital and all the questions were asked he was lying quietly in the bed . I am sure that his ambulance ride was not fun . We have a truck frame in the back and you know it is bouncy back there . It is not a smooth ride so it had to hurt every time we hit a bump . Sorry Sir . : ( Well everyone have a great holiday weekend . Sunday is Valentines Day . Don 't forget to get your sweet heart something special . And don 't forget your Alzheimer 's family member to make it special for them also . They may forget , but at that time they will be over joyed . We shouldn 't have to have a special date to remember someone . We should do this on a regular basis . Don 't put off tomorrow what you can do today . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Hey just a little reminder about find a cure panel where care givers of people with Alzheimer 's Disease can participate in on line research designed especially for them . For every completed survey , FACP will donate a minimum of $ 25 . 00 to a Alzheimer 's Disease related non profit of your choice . You can register by completing the 2 minute profile below : http : / / www . facebook . com / 1 / 69da4 ; member . assistyourteamsurveys . com / aytsreg . aspx ? AID = 292 Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : When my sister in law called us to tell us that she could no longer live with dad , and she was thinking of putting him in a nursing home , is when we decided we were the ones who had to move . I have nothing against nursing homes . I use to work in one as a nurses aid , and I took care of a hall way full of patients every day . But I was only one person for all these people , and I bathed them , helped them brush their teeth , put them on the potty , made their beds , got them dressed and even helped some of them eat . I am not complaining of the work I did , but I am complaining about not being able to give each of them enough of my time . So it was a very easy decision for us to make . We quit our jobs , and switched high school for my youngest child . We learned from day one after moving in that Alzheimer 's suffered not just long - term memory loss but also short - term memory loss . The next morning I found Dad sitting in the living room , looking at all the boxes . With sad eyes he looked at me and said , " Hey lady , what are you doing with all my stuff ? I put my hard work and sweat into this place and now I see a truck in the driveway and my stuff in boxes . " I tried to explain to him that the boxes were full of our stuff , and that we were moving in . Jimmy even opened a couple of them to show Dad . But Dad was confused and set on the idea that we were packing him up . It hurt to see the man who I had admired and looked up to for so many years , who took care of me and my family in countless situations , appear so helpless and confused . I was just glad that I was given the opportunity to try and return his kindness , and try to provide the quality of life that he deserved . I have recently been talking to a Mr Douglas Lowell , the president of find a cure panel . They focus on research for Alzheimer 's Disease . Please check out this website : www . findacuretransit . com Sincerelly , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Have you checked out Alzheimer 's Association lately ? They have a new study which shows Cigarette smoking a risk factor for Alzheimer 's Disease . A USCF analysis of published studies on the relationship between Alzheimer 's Disease and smoking indicates that smoking cigarettes is a significant risk factor for the disease . Also : Study will put to test growing evidence linking high blood pressure to dementia . In a flurry of new research , scientists scanned peoples brains to show hypertension fuels a kind of scanning linked to later development of Alzheimer 's disease and other dementia 's . Those scars can start building up in middle age , decades before memory problems will appear . Go on to www . alz . org Read it and learn more about Alzheimer 's . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Obesity ages a brain by 16 years ; This is an article on Alzheimer 's Weekly . Health studies show that people that age 70 yrs . and older and over weight with the body mass index from 25 to 30 had 4 % less tissue in the frontal lobes of the brain than normal weight peers . Increased risk for health problems like type 2 diabetes and heart disease obesity is bad for your brain . They have linked it to shrinkage of brain areas are also target for Alzheimer 's . Exercising , eating right and keeping your weight under control can maintain brain health with aging . It lowers the risk for Alzheimer 's and dementia . Please check out www . alzheimersweekly . com Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : Today on my ambulance I had an elderly gentlemen who had low blood pressure . Was told he had low oxygen sats also . This poor man was a little up set when we came to his room this morning to wake him up to go to the hospital . He was pretty out of it . Well wouldn 't you be sort of out of it also if you were woke up and taken out of bed before you had a chance to wake up ? I did talk to him trying to explain to him what was going on and why . He didn 't seem to understand but just let us do what we wanted to do . We sheet lifted him to our gurney . Took vitals , put in a IV , ecg monitor , oxygen and brought him safely to the hospital . By the time we got to the hospital , he was trying to answer questions and trying to follow commands . He was hard of hearing , even with his hearing aid . He was also legally blind . Poor thing , my heart goes out to him . The doctor was kinda cute when he asked why he was there . His 02 sats went up with the bump of his oxygen , and he was a DNR . The doctor said it is probably a good thing he was here because maybe they didn 't know how to take care of him . On another note I want to thank Sandy for the You - Tube clip - I remember better when I paint . Check it out . It shows people with Alzheimer 's come alive when painting or looking at paintings . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : I don 't know if you have checked out Alzheimer 's Weekly lately . It is an on line sight for people to read who are dealing with Dementia , and Alzheimer 's . This on line magazine is wonderful with all the information that they have and the blogging and the Ask Nurse Dina , and Ann 's Support Group , just to name a few things on this sight . This week they are talking about How to talk to parents about driving and when is it time to hand up the keys . So what are the signs and what do we look for as the kids to know when it is time to hang up the keys . First of all try and keep it positive . Don 't say Take away the keys or Give up the keys . Say when do we Hang up the keys . What this does is make them feel like they are part of the decision . What signs are you looking for to help with decision . Maybe it is when your parent tells you they got lost going to the store or they went down the wrong street . Or you see some dents in the car and they do not know how they got there . When possible drive with your parents so you can observe yourself how they are doing . Than come up with a conversation in a way where they are not giving up their independence . Maybe you can say " Hey I 'm fifty and I don 't like driving at night " and the conversation can start . Or maybe the doctor can help because of the medication they are on . Check out the video on www . alzheimersweekly . com This could help you make the decision and help you talk to your parents about this important issue . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : Imagine this : He was born in 1926 and grew up on the south side of Chicago . He was living during the Great Depression , and only completed up to the tenth grade and than he became a soldier in the United States Army . He traveled to Europe , Berlin , and France . His batoon was to surprise Hitler , but Hitler was not there . He spent two weeks of intensive training in preparation for a beach invasion of Japan . As he traveled by ship , the atomic bombs were dropped on Japan and World War II came to an end . He learned to drive a truck while stationed in the Philippines . He ended up receiving the Bronze Star Medal . After he got out of the army , he married and had three children . He drove a truck for a living , and was a devoted husband , and father . As his children grew up they got married and he became a grandfather . Alzheimer 's is a very selfish disease . It robs you of your memory and the people you love . My father in law remembered , like it was yesterday the days of being in the army . He use to ask me why I wanted him to shoot women and children . He told me not to tell him to take a bath because in the army he didn 't have to . He once fought with me about going home because he thought I was a Nazi . And his favorite saying was " I was in the war , I fought for our Country to die . But I didn 't die . " But he could not remember his family . He would always ask for his son , whom was taking care of him . He called me lady and could not remember that I was his daughter in law . If you have an older parent or grandparent , talk to them . Get their history before it is to late . They have very interesting things to tell you , but once Alzheimer 's hits , those days will be gone forever . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : On a day to day basis , it is hard to take care of your loved one with Alzheimer 's . Don 't get me wrong , it is not necessary the work , but the competitiveness of it all . You picked the job because you love that person and you want to give back to them what they have given to you . At the same time you didn 't know how much your life was going to change . This is a 24hr - 7 day a week job . It is not as easy a task as you thought it would be . You are afraid to be in there space , telling them what to do . At the same time you don 't want them to get hurt . You don 't want to invade their privacy , yet you want them to bath , and go to the bathroom . Where is it that you have crossed the line ? Their mind is slowly going by the way side . One day they don 't want you to dress them . But the next day , they ask you to help , and all to soon , they don 't even know what you are doing . Alzheimer 's is a cruel disease . Are you getting any help ? Do you find family members to give you time off ? Or are they too busy . I personally found that my children did help when they could with their grandpa Joe , but I found other family members stayed away . They didn 't want to see him like this . They pretended that the disease didn 't exist . No seeing and not knowing was better than getting involved . Are you getting help ? If you had the chance to do this all again , would you ? Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : Picture this : You are in your eighties , lying in a nursing home bed . You can not hear what people are saying to you . Your eyes have cataracts so you can not see very well . Your tummy is distended , looking like a basket ball , and hard . Two people come in with a gurney and tell you that you are to go to the hospital , only you have no idea what they are saying . You are scared , pulling on your covers , saying no no . Oh yea and it is almost midnight . We have to put our feet in other peoples shoes . We wrote to her on paper what we were doing and why . When she put her arms up looking scared we hugged her . Even though she didn 't understand all of what was going on , she looked relieved to know what was going on and that we cared . Be an angel and practice random acts of kindness ! Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com n ALZHEIMER ' S BLOGGING : I love being on my ambulance and taking care of people . I meet so many different kinds of people . Today I met a couple that were in their 80 's . I asked them how long they had been married and they told me 65 yrs . I told them they were an inspiration , and called them dinosaurs . I told them that I have only been married for 35 yrs and I was trying to get what they had . So I asked them how they stayed married so long . The husband just smiled real big showing all his teeth and said I had better not forget what he has to say , before he told me LAUGHTER . He said that being able to laugh is what kept them married , and to never let a day go by without laughter . So I guess this blog is about laughter and how important it is for every day life . I know that some days seem long and hard , but each day there is some point where you had to smile . Moments are so important and each day we have a moment where we smiled if only for a few seconds . Keep those moments in your heart . Hold on to them later in the day when the day seems impossible . It is those moments that will get you through this rough time . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Good afternoon everyone who is reading this . Well it looks like the ground hog has seen his shadow so six more weeks of cold weather . Here in Phoenix that is not to bad but in places like Chicago , or Oklahoma City I am sure this is not good news . BRRRRR I had an idea today that I wanted to share . I have been writing about experiences with my father in law , and experiences on the ambulance with some of the elderly with and without Alzheimer 's . I thought that many of you have had many similar experiences that you may want to share with the readers or just with me . If so please go to comment and tell me . Also tell me if this is something that is private or that you would like to share . I would be happy to help you and who knows , you may be helping someone out , or just putting a smile on someones face . Remember that it is important to have a good support group . If you don 't know where to look go on Alzheimer 's Association Site under search by state . You will see a map of the US and you can click on your state . Than you can look for the closet regional office to you and click on that . Click to the left of the screen you will see programs . Now it will say all the programs they offer and support groups is in there . Hit support groups . Scroll down the page to your region , click and than the cites will come up . Hit your city or one close to you and the names , address , times of meetings and phone numbers will come up . It is that easy . It is important to find a good support group . Smile and have a good day . Be an angel try a little act of kindness today ! ! Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press an Imprint Of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com ALZHEIMER ' S BLOG : Picture this : A beautiful day in sunny Arizona and a couple 91 yrs old are at the doctors because the man has an infection to his right foot , which is leading to gangrene . The man tells me his story . He met this wife when he was 68 yrs old . His first wife had cardiac issues and was dying so she was living in a nursing home . She met his now wife at the nursing home while she was visiting her mother . His first wife asked the second to please marry her husband when she dies and take care of him . As time goes on , she died and the other women married the husband . He told me that she is ten days older than him so she robbed the cradle . How cute is that . He told me they have done a lot of traveling to Australia , New Zealand , and Europe . But he is afraid that their traveling days may be over . As we walked through the hospital hallways , the wife told her husband she was afraid that she could not walk fast enough to hold his hand . So of course we waited for her to stand next to the gurney , and watched her take his hand , and than we walked very slowly to the elevators . It was so cute to watch the two of them , and listen to them talk . When we got to his room , she gave us a hug goodbye . As we were leaving she was taking off his shoes for him . Now that is LOVE . I just thought a cute story would be nice instead of a sad story all the time . That is what I love about my job . I get to see people , all kinds of people , talk with them , and enjoy their stories . I hope this gives you encouragement about getting old . Sincerely , Marie FostinoAlzheimer 's A Caretakers JournalSeaboard Press An Imprint of James A Rock Pub . , Co . www . mariefostino . com |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So … I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly … wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then … We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . Oh I have been a bad girl , missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing . Things are so busy with summer and all . I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends . I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister 's family . I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend . It was " Gamma Gamma " and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites . Even the nephews got into The Wiggles ! Our little gal had lots of fun . I miss her now . It 's been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years . This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city . Buses are still the fun part of the day with screaming babies , drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever 's stop comes first . I 've been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy . It 's been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too . I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night . One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister ! Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member . Such a relief when I found out . I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her . I don 't think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay . All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr . G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment . Fasting blood work . Meanie . He 's glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker . Dr . G is so pleased with my progress these last few months . I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life . These help me handle the negatives going on . It amazes me how someone can disappear like that . No Manitoba Health card for over 5 years so no medical treatments in that time . She didn 't even have a card when we know she lived here for sure . I remember going to see her at her old apartment about 3 years ago and knocking on her door and hearing her drag furniture and boxes away from her door . After being allowed to enter , seeing her Spartan ways overwhelmed me . She was scared , lonely and very , very ill . She couldn 't wait for me to leave and when I did , I heard all the boxes and furniture being barricaded on the other side of the door once again . The fear . I can 't know the fear she must live with every day . All I know is the fear I have for her . She won 't have ID so if something should have happened to her we might never find out . No hospital stay information or death certificates would be available because no one will be able to know who she is . This sister has become a ghost . I know she might not want to be found but now it 's not about estates and letting her know the news about our Dad . Now it 's about knowing she still lives , in whatever world she might find herself and hopefully still on the same earth as me . Mental illness … another one allowed to slip through the cracks . I can 't blame anyone for that though . As her family we tried . Her illness was so frightening . I couldn 't even let my son drive her home at one time ( for which he kindly volunteered ) for fear of anything she might say he did or what she might do to him . Her actions and words struck terror in my gut many times . The medical community did their best short of locking her up for the rest of her life to make sure she took her meds . The one time she was on meds she was our sweet sister again but it didn 't last long . Now it must have been years since she 's even seen a doctor . I remember her when I was a very little girl . I was very ill for the first few years of my life and still see her lovingly mothering me ; taking me for walks in the carriage , scratching my back ( which calmed me very much ) and giving me treats . When kids bullied me in school later on she went out and had a T - shirt made for me that said " Marie Boomer - Superstar " . I wore that thing until the letters fell off . It made me feel like a superstar . I 'm trying really hard to remember the wonderful sister she could be . She left home when I was very young though and I rarely saw her until I was an adult again and her illness had progressed so much . It 's not easy to keep the good memories alive since there are so few of them but I will . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So … I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly … wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then … We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . Oh I have been a bad girl , missing at least 3 posts I had committed to writing . Things are so busy with summer and all . I find myself getting out of the apartment just about everyday now except maybe for most weekends . I just came back from 5 days at the beach with my daughter and my sister 's family . I also was able to bring out my oldest granddaughter for the weekend . It was " Gamma Gamma " and some new words and lots of new dance steps as well as our old favourites . Even the nephews got into The Wiggles ! Our little gal had lots of fun . I miss her now . It 's been great to feel the freedom from the isolation I had for the last few years . This getting out everyday sure opened my eyes to my city . Buses are still the fun part of the day with screaming babies , drunks who want to smell my hair and sometimes meeting up with old friends for those brief moments until whoever 's stop comes first . I 've been handling the death of my dad by keeping very busy . It 's been kind of strange helping my sister do inventory on his estate and seeing some things for the first time and yet see the things he used every day too . I love how he and my mom are now both in my dreams at night . One thing I am happy to say is we found my missing sister ! Alive and as well as she can possibly be and in touch with another family member . Such a relief when I found out . I was in tears knowing she still walked this earth even though her demons are still chasing her . I don 't think I will ever see her again as it would be too difficult for her but having some contact through another trusted person makes it okay . All that weight I lost is slowly coming back and Dr . G wants blood work done before I have my next appointment . Fasting blood work . Meanie . He 's glad I seemed to have met a really nice man and also finally made my connection with a mental health worker . Dr . G is so pleased with my progress these last few months . I do feel so much better with more positive things in my life . These help me handle the negatives going on . It amazes me how someone can disappear like that . No Manitoba Health card for over 5 years so no medical treatments in that time . She didn 't even have a card when we know she lived here for sure . I remember going to see her at her old apartment about 3 years ago and knocking on her door and hearing her drag furniture and boxes away from her door . After being allowed to enter , seeing her Spartan ways overwhelmed me . She was scared , lonely and very , very ill . She couldn 't wait for me to leave and when I did , I heard all the boxes and furniture being barricaded on the other side of the door once again . The fear . I can 't know the fear she must live with every day . All I know is the fear I have for her . She won 't have ID so if something should have happened to her we might never find out . No hospital stay information or death certificates would be available because no one will be able to know who she is . This sister has become a ghost . I know she might not want to be found but now it 's not about estates and letting her know the news about our Dad . Now it 's about knowing she still lives , in whatever world she might find herself and hopefully still on the same earth as me . Mental illness … another one allowed to slip through the cracks . I can 't blame anyone for that though . As her family we tried . Her illness was so frightening . I couldn 't even let my son drive her home at one time ( for which he kindly volunteered ) for fear of anything she might say he did or what she might do to him . Her actions and words struck terror in my gut many times . The medical community did their best short of locking her up for the rest of her life to make sure she took her meds . The one time she was on meds she was our sweet sister again but it didn 't last long . Now it must have been years since she 's even seen a doctor . I remember her when I was a very little girl . I was very ill for the first few years of my life and still see her lovingly mothering me ; taking me for walks in the carriage , scratching my back ( which calmed me very much ) and giving me treats . When kids bullied me in school later on she went out and had a T - shirt made for me that said " Marie Boomer - Superstar " . I wore that thing until the letters fell off . It made me feel like a superstar . I 'm trying really hard to remember the wonderful sister she could be . She left home when I was very young though and I rarely saw her until I was an adult again and her illness had progressed so much . It 's not easy to keep the good memories alive since there are so few of them but I will . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Liam is definitely feeling better today . Not yet 100 % , but better . We spent the morning doing chores around the house . After lunch we took a bike ride around the neighborhood to go yard sale shopping . Liam wasn 't keen on his bike helmet , but soon fell asleep and napped as we traveled around . Shortly after we came home , grandma Bev and grandpa John arrived from Indianapolis . Liam was groggy , but happy to see them . They brought Liam some surprise toys . He is such a spoiled baby ! We all took a drive to look at some of the houses that we are considering . Then we ate dinner at Steak n ' Shake . Liam ate the most solids he has in a couple days . He ate some dried veggies that I brought along , as well as some baked beans , crackers , and some carrots from grandma 's stew . Or is it stick on a baby ? Whew , it 's been a rough couple of days . Liam 's fever broke yesterday morning at 4am . Although he was no longer hot , I could tell he felt worse because he was moaning and whining all day long . He also went from nursing all day long to nursing just a handful of times , so I 'm now painfully engorged . Yuk ! In the morning Liam and I had to take care of a couple chores . We spent an hour at the car dealership getting the oil changed . The owner of the dealership felt bad for Liam , being that he was sick , so she gave him a stuffed teddy bear . It sure helps to have such a cute baby ! Liam got a second free stuffed animal when we stopped at a yard sale on the way home . This time he got a cute giraffe . Yesterday evening we went to look at a few more homes . They were all really nice , so now were left with thinking it over and trying to make a decision . One of the houses is located in our current neighborhood , which is a big plus for me . However , it was only 900 sqft , so it 's about the same size as our apartment . : ( It did have a good , and fairly dry basement , so there is a possibility of using it for an office space . Plus it also had a garage for Sean . Liam enjoyed playing in the back yards of most of the homes . That 's were I took this picture of him eating a stick . Yum ! Liam chose this evening to take his first little steps in front of us ( I suspect that he actually took his first steps a week and a half ago , but I only caught it out of the corner of my eye ) . He was trying to get Sean 's baseball hat on the couch and took a couple steps between the recliner and the couch . We tried to replicate this feat ( pun intended ) , but he chose to crawl over instead of walking . Some bad news this evening . We took Liam to the emergency pediatric clinic because he had an alarming temperature of 104 - degrees ! He started out with a temp this morning . I called the nurse line at his peds office . She suggested Tylenol . . . it was probably just a summer virus . So I gave him Tylenol and we went about our business for the day . He took an astounding four naps ! When he woke from his fourth nap this evening he was bright red and very hot to the touch . That 's when his temp was 104 and we took him to the clinic . By the time we got there , it had gone down to 102 . By the time the doctor saw us , it was 101 . The verdict : a summer flu bug that is going around . He had a very sore looking throat too . The poor guy . The doctor said that it would probably take a couple days to clear up and to feed him cold soothing foods and plenty of fluids in the meantime . ( sigh ) Why does he always get sick just before we leave town ? ! The good news for today is that Liam did his first baby sign . I was feeding him avocado in the highchair and when he ran out I asked " do you want some more ? " and he signed MORE ! I 'm glad that the signs are starting to sink in . PS - He weighed 24lb 12oz fully clothed . PPS - Liam went in the potty four times today ! Whew ! It was a hot one today ! I 'm going to keep this post short , ' cause it 's late and I 'm tired . Liam was really restless , clingy , and nursy last night . Both of us woke up a little crabby , but I was determined to turn the day around . I put him on my back in a wrap and we went for a walk through the neighborhood . By the time we got back we were both in much better spirits , even if we were hot and sweaty . We had a quiet morning at home . Liam got TWO whole naps in for a change . Around 2pm I put Liam in the bike trailer and we went to meet some friends at the water park . I finally remembered my camera and took some pics . Sorry , none in the water ( not enough hands to safely do that ) . It was fun to get wet and cool off from the heat ! Liam and I got home just after daddy did . Since today was the last Tuesday of the month , we decided to go to the thrift shop for their half off sale . We scored a baby walker toy for only $ 1 . 50 ! Liam loves to play with this type of toy at Elli 's house , so I was happy to find one so cheap . We ate dinner out at our favorite sub shop . Liam saw another baby there and ate some cheese and bread from mommy 's sub . Once home , Liam took a THIRD nap while mommy and daddy met with the realtor to discuss resuming our house hunt . After his nap Liam had a blast with his new walker toy . Liam actually used the potty TWICE today ! A new record . . . now if I could only catch # 2 there would be fewer poopy diapers to wash . : ) Liam had a really bad night of sleep last night , following two good nights of sleep . Like last Thursday night , he wanted to nurse all night long ! Ugh , I am sore . This morning we went to the Elimination Communication ( EC ) meeting at the birth center . EC is all about figuring out your baby 's cues for elimination and using that knowledge to " catch " their waste in a potty instead of a diaper . Most of the time people start EC when the infant is really young . I 'm getting around to doing this with Liam now partly because we had such a rough time with reflux / colic / breastfeeding in those early months , that I couldn 't tackle it . I also wasn 't sure how to get started . However , I found out that I 'm already on the right track with what I started doing last week . Usually it is possible to potty train at a much earlier age when you use EC . I tried to catch # 1 a couple times today , but had no luck like over the weekend . Elli came to play in the afternoon . It 's amazing how having another baby around will keep Liam so much more content and occupied ! We love Elli ! This evening , Liam tplayed peek - a - boo with everything , including his shirt . Sean started playing peek - a - boo with Liam 's favorite teddy bear by hiding it behind his taggy blanket . Liam though that was funny . Then Sean made teddy disappear . The look on Liam 's face was priceless ! He was shocked . . . where had teddy gone ? Sean made teddy reappear and disappear several more times . Then Liam started to suspect something . He tried looking over and behind the footrest where daddy was performing magic to find teddy . Daddy also teased Liam by making him think that he was sucking on his pacifier . Liam was not amused and screamed to make him stop . Mommy and daddy though it was funny though . . . he 's so possessive of that pacifier ! Daddy also showed Liam that some of his toys could be put inside his stacking cups . For the past week Liam has been beginning to get the concept of " inside " and started putting the cups in each other . Once he saw daddy , he started placing all sorts of toys inside Posted by Just a short post about Liam 's meals . . . Today was just all about food ! This morning I made a big batch of apple - cinnamon oatmeal for Liam and I to share . Since he won 't let me spoon feed him anymore , I gave him a spoon and let him have at it ! Every once in a while I would help by scooping up a little oatmeal and then he would lick it off . At lunchtime daddy made one of his awesome homemade pizzas . I cut up some into little pieces for Liam and he loved it ! For dinner , I made Pad Thai . . . a little too spicy for baby . So I gave him some of the chicken before it was stir fried . Liam also ate cheese slices and cheerios with dinner . Because Liam at some much solid food today , he didn 't nurse as much as usual . This resulted in clogged ducts for mommy . . . ugh ! I 'll have to wait for my milk supply to catch up with the change in demand . Liam woke up this morning to find his grandma Kathie and Auntie Rae visiting . He was so excited to see them that he actually spit up milk ( something he hasn 't done in quite a while ) ! I was excited because Liam slept better last night then he has in several weeks ( boy did I need that sleep ! ) . We all treated ourselves to breakfast out and then spent the morning talking and playing with the baby . My mom and sister had to leave all too soon and we were sorry to see them go . After his afternoon nap , I put Liam on the potty ( knowing that he often goes after a nap ) . Sure enough , I caught his first full pee in the potty ! Hurray ! Much celebration ensued ! Later , Liam and I went to the bike shop to have them install the trailer hitch for his baby trailer on the used Schwinn we got for daddy on Thursday . In the parking lot across from the shop , an auto auction was going on . Liam was intrigued by the auctioneer 's rapid speech . This evening , after daddy was finished with his work , we took the trailer for it 's first spin and Liam for his first bike ride . We rode to Cool Cone , our favorite local ice cream shop . I was a bad mommy and let Liam share my vanilla ice cream . Liam enjoyed the trip and loved being in the trailer . He wasn 't too keen on the helmet , however . Inspired by the " painting " that my friend 's little girl made in daycare , I decided to see if Liam could color with crayons . I sat him in the high chair and let him choose a couple crayons from my hand . Of course he wanted to taste them ( don 't worry their non - toxic ) , so I gave him a binky . Then I showed him what to do with them . He mimicked my motions and moved his hand back and forth over the paper on his table . He made contact with the paper a few times , but I 'm not sure he knew what he was doing . He had more fun just holding the crayons and inspecting them . I need to get some finger paint or maybe some jumbo crayons and try again ! Good News ! My neighbor 's son , Emmett Franklin L . was born on June 22nd at 2am . He is only 4lb 12oz , but is healthy . Both mom and baby are doing well ! Today was such a crazy day ! I 'm too tired to write about everything that happened to make it that way , but I will tell a couple of random stories . This afternoon while Liam was peacefully playing and I was reading , our Finches cage came crashing down from the ceiling . I screamed as the cage blew apart and Liam started crying from the shock of the noise and my scream . I quickly calmed him and went to check on the poor birds , who had fortunately remained in their cage even though the top had fallen off . Of course as soon as I walked over to them they took off . Now I had an upset child and two small birds flying all over my living room . I put Liam on the loveseat and asked him to stay there while mommy got the birds safely back in their home . I reassembled the cage , grabbed a towel from the kitchen , caught the birds , and put them back in the cage . Ugh ! What a mess to clean up ! Bird seed everywhere ! Liam watched pensively as I swept up the mess . Afterwards I made Liam a snack of avocado cubes and dried corn . After Liam took a nap , I decided to let him go bare bottomed and try the potty again . He got a little antsy on the potty , so I took him off . . . I didn 't want to make it upsetting . Of course , as luck would have it , about 30 seconds after he was off the potty he started to pee in the floor . I picked him up and set him on the potty nearby . He managed to get a couple dribbles in the pot ! Yeah ! ( applause & cheers ) I am very happy , even if most of it ended up on my floor ! This evening I found out that my neighbor , who was expecting her first at the end of July , was in labor at the local hospital tonight . I ran into her sister , who told me the news . Apparently her water broke last night and she has been in labor ever since but made little progress ( only 1cm dilation ) . This doesn 't look good for her . . . especially considering the c - section rate in this town ! I just hope that she and her son will be safe and healthy ! Ehmmm . . . . Yes , this is Liam standing and drinking without using his hands for support ! Liam seems determined to be walking before the end of the month . Liam spent the day in daycare . They said he had a really good day and he helped one of the littler babies turn the pages in a book . At home this evening , Liam ate a BIG dinner of cheese slices and penne noodles . He got very upset after dinner and we couldn 't figure out why . Finally I realized that he was thirsty and got him his cup . He drank and bunch of water . . . and nursed several times . . . he must have gotten dried out at daycare . The weather was so lovely that we took a walk before dark . Liam rode on my back , but he was kinda ' a stinker and kept pinching and molesting me . I let Liam go bare - bottomed for a while this evening and tried setting him on the potty . He didn 't go . . . but at least he was content to hang out on the potty . The past two days have been pretty uneventful . Liam spent his mornings playing with Elli at Sara 's house . He took long naps in the afternoon because he was so tired out . Elli hung out with us Monday afternoon and we all stayed in to beat the heat ( I also broke down and turned on the AC unit ) . This afternoon we hung out at home until daddy came home , then took a long walk around the neighborhood looking at homes for sale . Liam got antsy in the stroller , so I carried him on my shoulders for a little while . He loved being up there and constantly squealed and babbled with delight . This afternoon I saw Liam standing for nearly a minute without support . He is getting braver and braver about standing on his own . In the evening Liam was begging for water out of my glass . I decided to get a straw and see if we could teach him how to use it . We were very pleased when he picked it up in a matter of minutes . So now Liam can successfully drink water from a sippy cup , water bottle , and now a straw . This morning Sean got happy Father 's Day wishes from Liam and mommy as he woke up . This is because Liam slept part of the night with us in bed since he wasn 't feeling well ( I think we all had a 24hour flu bug , because we had upset stomaches yesterday afternoon into this morning ) . We gave daddy some cards and a handmade ceramic frame with a picture of Liam for his office . Unfortunately Sean had to work much of today , so Liam and I had our own adventures in the morning . We helped Alissa and Ashtyn bring home a baby pool from the store . Once we got it set up at Alissa 's house , the babies spent over an hour splashing and playing in the water . It was as fun for the babies as it was for us mama 's to watch ! The babies loved the water so much that not only were Liam 's toes pruned , but his whole feet were too ! After Ashtyn 's pool party , Liam and I stayed for lunch . Liam tried a bunch of new foods . He ate some black beens , pureed red lentils , and some lasagna . To my surprise he really liked the lasagna and ate up the noodles , meat , and cheese ! When we came home Liam and I both took a nap . Daddy finished working just as we woke up . I made daddy a special dinner . We called Liam 's grandpas to wish them a happy father 's day too . While we played this evening , Liam stood on his own for the longest time yet ! We attempted to take a walk . We started out in the Scott Woods , but the mosquitoes were really hungry and it was too hot to walk in the sunny neighborhood . On the walk home , I let Liam walk behind the stroller , pushing it . He was able to walk about 10 feet before getting tired . Once I get copies of the pool party photos from Alissa , I will add them to this post . Check back later . . . Today Liam and I were super thrift shoppers . We started out our morning at the Mom to Mom sale , then cruised several of the neighborhood sales . I found many bargains , including this adorable tricycle . It looked brand new and was only $ 5 ! Liam took a long nap when we came home . . . I was eager for him to wake up and see his new toy . He noticed it right away and immediately started pushing it around and saying " rmmmm " ( his car sound ) . I showed him that he could sit on it . His legs are just a smidgen too short to be able to move himself around , so he tried scooting by rocking back and forth on it . He also soon found out that it could be daddy powered . Liam was so thrilled when Sean started pushing him around the apartment on it . For dinner we tried a new Malaysian restaurant . It was kind of a dive , but very yummy . Liam enjoyed watching the anime that was playing for the owners daughter in the corner . I gave him a couple nibbles of our food , but he wasn 't interested . He even passed up a piece of fortune cookie . The cookie that was his had this fortune : " The step may only be a tiny on , but trust that it may be the largest one possible for now . " Very prophetic considering Liam took a few rudimentary steps today ! He 's definitely venturing towards walking . He will let go of his support completely when moving between pieces of furniture . He can also walk with me holding only one of his hands . I 'm obviously a little behind , but I finally got a chance to take a few photos of Liam wearing his christening gown this morning . These are a few of the cutest . Enjoy ! This afternoon a group of us got together at the Potter Park Zoo . There were five mamas ( two of which are expecting ) , four grade - schoolers , and four babies in our group . It was a hot and hectic time , but we all had fun . Liam enjoyed watching the river otters play in the water . . . we were all looking at their pond longingly . He also had a lot of fun with the goats in the farmyard . In the picture the goats are checking to see if he or Elli have food . We got a glimpse of the month - old baby snow leopard - he was so cute and already the size of a house - cat . As always , we stopped to watch the mongoose lemurs play . Before we left , Liam and I shared an icecream cone ( the one " junk " food item I will allow ) . After all the heat and excitement , Liam was super tired and fell asleep on our walk home . Liam has made some more strides towards walking . This morning I saw him quickly shuffle between the recliner and couch without holding onto anything . Then this evening he stood in front of his dresser without support for several seconds before he carefully squatted and sat down . Today we took a trip up to visit our friend Eva and little Hannah for the afternoon . Liam napped during the lovely drive to the countryside . When we arrived at Eva 's and I opened the car door , there was a strong oder of mint in the air . Mint is one of the biggest crops in this part of Michigan . Liam was so excited to play with Hannah and her toys . He also enjoyed chasing their tabby cat all around the house ( thankfully their cat was extremely laid back ) . Eventually we all made our way to a nearby farm to visit some of the animals . Liam got to see baby cows , but was most interested in their well trained dogs . He loved watching the older kids throw a frisbee to the dog . Liam also played with their youngest son , Joe , who is just a month older than Liam but even BIGGER than him ! We didn 't get home till almost 6pm after getting stuck in some traffic on the way home . After dinner , Liam and mommy ate some apple slices . He went to bed at 9pm tonight , which is the earliest he 's gone to sleep in a long time . ___________________________________________________________________________ Wednesday Liam went to daycare , as usual . This time he cried and sobbed as I went to leave . I was surprised , because he 's been so good about being left at daycare . I gave him another hug and kiss , but then had to go . He definitely knows how to tug on my heartstrings ! I had a hectic day of meetings . Sean and I ate a quick dinner when he came home and then we went to pick up Liam together . Liam was snoozing in a swing when we arrived . He was very happy to see us when daddy woke him . I let him nurse before we left . On the way home we stopped at Target for more baby Tylenol ( a must while he 's teething ! ) . While we were there , we discovered that they had an infant bike helmet in stock . . . we 've been looking everywhere for one of these ! Now that Liam has a helmet , we will have to renew our effort to find affordable bikes to replace the ones that were stolen . Even though Liam continues to be sleeping poorly , today was a great day . This morning he was all about his books . He kept bringing books to me to read . His favorite book is " Beetle Bug 's Party " , which has fiber optic fireworks to turn on at the end of book . He 's just like his daddy , who 's always attracted to pretty lights . It 's unfortunate , however , that Liam 's teething right now , because he 's bitten a few chunks out of some of his books . I had to keep a close eye on him while he 's flipping through his books . I took Liam to Sara 's for the rest of the morning and I got a lot done ! Several of my mommy friends were planning on going to the splash park this afternoon , so I packed Liam 's swim stuff before picking him up . We went to the park from Sara 's and met up with Lindsey and Keisha and their little ones . I took Liam " walking " through the splash park a couple times . He got cold quickly , so we spent most of our time there watching the bigger kids play . We also went down to the beach for a short time to wade in the water . Liam loves to splash ! We were getting a lot of sun , so we didn 't stay at the beach too long . Instead we went home and took a much needed nap . This evening Liam ate a bunch of ground turkey meat for dinner . It was the first time that he 's shown and interest in meat . I read him more books and he rough house with both mommy and daddy . He continues to try to stand up without support . Yesterday morning started out pretty idyllic . Liam played well while I did yoga for the first time in a couple months . Everything was happy and relaxed . Until . . . the diaper blowout from ___ - well you know . I left the room for a moment to put the diaper laundry in the dryer . When I returned , I noticed Liam playing with something in his hands that look vaguely like peas . But I hadn 't given him any peas this morning and didn 't leave the container anywhere in reach , so they couldn 't be peas , right ? . . . Then I suddenly realized that these were peas and that they had come from his diaper ! ! ! Yikes ! There was poopoo all over him , the floor , and the blanket that I had been doing yoga on ! An emergency bath ensued and a half hour later everything had returned to normalcy . . . somewhat . A little later we went to the group for Natural Family Living at the birth center . I 've been meaning to go to these meetings since Liam was born , but somehow had always missed ' em . This month 's meeting was on babywearing . I brought along a couple of my carriers to share . I met a few new moms , including one who lives just down the street from me in the same neighborhood . I also met up with a few moms that I hadn 't seen in several months ( ever since Liam graduated to the crawlers group ) . The last time I saw their babies , they were newborns . . . now they were big and sitting . . . how time flies ! Liam had a blast playing with all the toys and other babies , as usual . He is so social . . . not at all like his mommy and daddy ! After the meeting I took Liam to his pediatrician just to be safe about his possible ingestion of stuff animal stuffing . His doctor said he was fine and that anything he ate would pass through given time . ( Way to make me feel like a total paranoid mama ! ) BTW : Liam now weighs a whopping 23 pounds ! Liam fell asleep on the way home and he continued to sleep once I put him in his crib . Meanwhile , Sara brought Elli over for me to watch . Elli played by herself until Liam woke up . He got excited and started jumping up and down in his crib when he saw Posted by Today we took a drive to the Binder Park Zoo . We picnicked in the park before going into the zoo and enjoyed the lovely morning . We ended up spending nearly five hours in the zoo ! We all had a lot of fun and Liam got to see a lot of animals . Liam tried to communicate with the cockatoos . . . it turns out that his excited squeal sounds exactly like a cockatoo call ! It was so funny watching him and the bird call back and forth to each other . Liam also got to ride on both a train and a tram ! We did so much walking that we were all tried out by the time we left . I think we made a lot of memories today ! Posted by This morning while changing Liam 's diaper , amongst the usual partially digested peas , blueberries , etc . . . there was something that was not edible . I discovered two plastic bee - bees - the kind that are often used as filler in stuffed animals . I promptly sorted through his stuffies . Many of them have bee - bees , but none of them have holes or loose seams . I decided to take away some of his stuffed animals while he 's teething . The only thing I can think of is that while bitting one of them , he accidentally pulled the bee - bees through the fabric and swallowed them . ( Don 't worry , the bee - bee 's weren 't from last night 's surgery to Eeyore , because he only contained stuffing . ) I 'm not even sure it happened at home , since he spends three days a week at daycare or a friend 's house . I 'll have to mentioned it next week , to make sure they check their toys too . Ugh ! I am SOOOOO done with oral fixations ! PS - During Liam 's afternoon nap I finished Eeyore 's personality reconstruction . I restuffed him and sewed him up . Now Eeyore is good as new ! PPS - This evening we made a little outing to the local park . I took Liam on the swing and down the spiral slide . Then we played in the grass until the mosquitoes found us . Well , teething is definitely back in full swing at our house . Liam was up every hour last night ! Yeah , sleep deprivation ! Even in my exhausted state , we managed to have a full day including : playing with blocks , taking the potty for a test drive , stopping at some yard sales , a trip to the city market , and a playdate at the birth center . While at the market , I bought a yummy spinach pie from one of the vendors for lunch . Liam helped me eat it . He liked it so much that he was disappointed when it was gone ( and so was mommy ) . We spent most of the afternoon at the birth center for the crawlers group . Liam was so happy because there was another boy there for a change . He played with Sawyer , who was just a couple days older than him . They had a great time playing with the Thomas train set . Unfortunately , he probably won 't see Sawyer again at the next group , because he and his family live about two hours away . . . what a bummer . Liam was rather cranky this evening and putting him to bed was a struggle . Let 's hope he sleeps better tonight though ! PS - We gave Eeyore another try last night . Liam definitely doesn 't like it when Eeyore talks . He would push him over and leave him on his back , legs kicking . Sean decided to do some surgery on Eeyore and removed the animatronics from stuffed animal . If I get some more stuffing , I might be able to sew Eeyore back together . Wednesday morning was really cold . I dressed Liam up in pants , button - up shirt , and sweater vest for school ( aka daycare ) . He looked so cute . He had a good day at school and impressed the teaches by waving bye - bye as we were leaving for home . The weather got nice enough that they took Liam out for a walk - his first time outside while at school . Liam was so tired from his day of playing that he promptly fell asleep when we got to the car . He even slept through dinner on my lap , while Sean and I ate out . When we got home we all took a stroll around the neighborhood . I took this picture after his bath . He 's chewing on his favorite bath toy - a terry cloth octopus . He loves his time in the buff after baths . Tonight he got pretty cranky when it was finally time to get dressed for bed . ____________________________________________________________ Today was full of excitement . This morning , Liam started playing hide - and - seek with me . He found the corner of our bedroom behind the bed and thought it was funny to make me find him there . Every time I turned around he was making his way for his favorite hiding place ! I know he thought it was a game , because he would giggle if I chased after him or when I found him . Elli came over this afternoon . I planned to take both of them to the beach at the local park , since the weather was supposed to heat back up again today . While we walked there Elli napped and Liam happily babbled to himself and pointed at everything . He especially likes the shadows that trees make on the sidewalk and gets excited when he sees birds and squirrels . When we got to the beach , Lindsey was there with Scarlett and Keisha as there with Lilly and her older daughter Maya . Jamie and her three little ones also came . I sat on the shore with the babies on my lap to let them dip their toes in the water . It was cold , but it felt really good ! Liam was so happy to be in the water . He wanted to sit in it and walk around in it and do lots of splashing ! Elli was a little more cautious , and watched all the older kids plaPosted by Now that Liam has mastered eating solid finger foods , I 've been trying to introduce new foods and flavors . I have limited time and energy , so sometimes it 's tough to think of nutritious and fun finger foods for him in addition to fixing meals for Sean and myself . I don 't feel particularly comfortable with feeding him table food , because of a family history for food allergies . Yesterday Liam ate cubed avocado and grated carrots for dinner . Today it was puffed rice cereal and tofu cubes . When he 's in the mood to eat , he gets really into it and gobbles his food up . When he 's not in the mood , however , he makes a mess and rubs his food all over himself and his table . Dried peas are still his favorite snack , although he also loves bananas , dried blueberries , cheerios , rice crispy cereal , baby cheddar crackers , baby vanilla cookies , slices of cheese , graham crackers , and apple slices . He also eats yogurt daily and the occasional jar of pureed fruits or veggies . Sean and I don 't eat a lot of meat , so I 've had a tough time with figuring out how to introduce it to Liam . I 've given him a few nibbles of lamb and ground beef while we were eating out . He 's also sampled shredded chicken and salmon at home . So far he hasn 't shown a strong interest in meat . I think he gets plenty of protein through , because he still breast feeds about 6 to 8 times a day ! A pamphlet I received recently says that toddlers eat 25 % more calories daily than they need . I think this is definitely the case for Liam . He has gotten kinda chubby again . . . he 's probably about to have another growth spurt ( He hasn 't really grown much in the past couple months ) . Gosh , 10 - whole months since Liam was born ! Where has the time gone ? ! He 's gone from a tiny helpless baby to this little person who can both delight and frustrate ( sometimes at the same time ) . Today was a stormy day , much like the morning he was born ( Although I got to sleep most the night last night . . . Liam didn 't wake up to eat in the middle of the night ! ) . Sean was kind to me and watched Liam to let me sleep till 7 : 30am . To thank him I made a big pancake breakfast and some scrambled eggs . After breakfast the weather was clear , so we got ready to go out with the hopes that it would stay nice long enough to go to the zoo . By the time we all had our shoes on it started to rain . Bummer . . . To pass the time , we took a drive to a local outlet mall . These places aren 't really my thing , but I knew that the drive would give Liam a good nap , and give mommy and daddy some time to talk and sip our coffees . Our first stop at the mall was the Bose dealer . They gave us the royal treatment and let us sample their special room equipped with a $ 4000 surround - sound system . It was a bit loud for the baby , but he enjoyed it and also got a chance to nurse discretely . It rained on and off , but we walked around to several stores . We went to shop for some dress clothes for daddy and some shirts for mommy . We also stopped in a toy store and gourmet kitchen shop . We had just made it to the book store - bound to be an expensive stop for us - when I noticed that the sky was black to the south of us . I quickly got Sean 's attention because we were on the other side of the mall from where we had parked . We raced across the mall to the car so that we wouldn 't get caught in the rain . We had a wet drive home and Liam took another nap . Liam had a rather messy snack time once we came home . . . and yes , that 's yogurt on his nose . For the most part , Liam played really well by himself this afternoon . He busied himself pulling his favorite toys out of baskets and banging them together . This allowed daddy to get some much needed time alone to game on his comPosted by Yard sale season is in full swing . Liam and I found some great bargains in the past two days . Friday started with me watching Elli for Sara . It was a long morning , because both babies were a bit cranky and tired and I was tired too . Eventually I got them to both fall asleep . Nap time consisted of me hold one baby in each arm while in the recliner until they stopped kicking each other and finally fell asleep . This was tough because you know how over - tired babies will cry when you put them to sleep , well both Elli and Liam were not happy about napping and fought sleep to their utmost . After Elli left , Liam and I had a quite lunch and then we headed out to the local LLL rummage sale . I had high hopes to find some neat things for Liam , but alas , all the organizers have girls ! Since I knew most of the people who ran the sale , Liam and I hung out in the yard to play with the other babies and mamas . The good news is that Liam is finally over his grass phobia , the bad news is that he is over his grass phobia and now loves to eat the grass and just about anything he can find in the grass . Ugh ! I am SO done with this oral fixation of his ! The only thing we bought at the sale was a stuffed Eeyore toy . It turns out that Eeyore is animatronic . He talks and walks . It was late afternoon before we came home . I stopped at a few more sales on the drive home . I found Liam some great outfits for next fall and winter , as well as another gate for the house and some other odds and ends . At home we got a chance to play with Eeyore . At first Liam was excited about Eeyore and watched him the way he watches animals . But Eeyore got creepier the more we played with him . When you turn the toy on , he says " Hello , I 'm Eeyore " and begins to play music as he walks . Then he says " Do ya . . . want to crawl with me ? " . . . more music and walking . . . " Come on . . . might be fun " . . . more music and walking . . . you get the idea . Sean and I decided that Eeyore might be a pedophile . Liam also took a dislike to Eeyore . He started giving him a wide berth when crawling arounPosted by |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me This was the best 3 day holiday I have ever had . I thought of it as a dry run to retirement . So I thought about sleeping in , and on Monday I did not get out of bed until 7am . Yep , 7 : 00 . Do I know how to have a good time or what ? ! Ok , so I was up at 6 : 30 , the point is that I rolled over and took it easy and felt no obligation to get up and get going as early as I normally would . Monday I spent the entire day thinking , this is what a normal day of retirement could be . I ate breakfast on the back porch reading my book . I worked in the yard the entire day . I know everyone thought it was so hot , but I worked in the front yard where there is shade . I climbed the 12 foot ladder about 40 million times trimming branches and opening up the yard . My pink perfection camellia did not bloom as much as it has in other years . I think that is mostly because it was so shaded out by a maple tree that I didn 't want . So I was going to cut it down , but without a chain saw it was going to take more then the one day I had to cut it down with a hand saw , so instead I cut all the branches within reach off . It opened up my front yard and now the pink perfection is getting all the sun it needs . I opened the drive way , I removed the trash trees around a dogwood . I took the oak branches off around the bird bell which brought in more light to the flower gardens in that area . It is one of those jobs that you put off , but when you finally do it , it is amazing how much better the yard look and the gardens do . And yet , it is not that you can point at a new garden and say , " Wow ! Look at that . " No , this is something that you can 't point to , but everything looks better . That is more then I can say about my legs . Between the thorny vines and the millions of yellow flies I look like a child from a TV commercial . My legs are scratched and cut with huge red bites . It is not attractive . But it was so worth it . My yard is finally starting to look like my yard again . After a year of not being well enough to work in my yard , I am back ! ! ! And my yard is responding . That is one of the best things about gardening . You can ignore something for so long , but when you give it a little water , a little attention , and a gift card from the best plant nursery in town , you can work wonders . Sunday night a few of us met at the Moon 's and had a little cookout . It was just a few of us , none of us were into a big get together , but it was a holiday . And holidays require getting together with friends and eat potato salad , bake beans and watermelon . We did all of that and more . It was laid back and just a nice time to catch up with a few friends , around the fire , eating summer food and laughing and talking . Then the perfect Monday . sigh , I think I will like retirement . Today I went back to work . I wrote goodbye emails and sent them to the various field staff I used to work with . And then sent a good bye to the other Supervisors I used to work with in the field . I answered phones , data entered , scanned , worked and worked . At 1 : 00 it was time to leave , and there was still so much to do . I thought I could just stay here another couple of hours and get so much more done . But , really , there is always going to be something to do . There is always going to be more work then any of us are going to be able to do . So I got up and left . I have 4 days left to work . Four days . I am anxious . But not about retiring , about going when there is so much to do , and so few of people to do it . And the hiring freeze has not been lifted so they will not be able to fill a position . But I will have to let go , and I will . I am looking forward to the next part of the journey . I hope that their will be employment of some kind involved . I like to work . I like to do my best to help people . And for 25 + years I have been able to do that with the Department , and where I will go next , I am not sure . I hope to increase my volunteer work , but I need to make sure to take this step by step . I don 't need to set myself up to just making the same mistakes again . Just working myself into a frenzy again . I don 't need to manage and take on the world , just take it one day at a time . So after work , I went to the cigar store . I had gone on Friday , but they were closed for the holiday . But today they were open and the man in the store was very nice to me . He must have gotten a kick out of my ignorance , but desire to learn . I bought the last of a particular cigar and he gave me the box . This is no cardboard box , or even a a balsa wood box . This is a wooden box with a details and gold decorations , I mean this is glorious box . And then he helped me to get a couple of cigars ready to mail , and a discount on top of it all . Hey , that is a good shopping experience . I will be back . Tomorrow I go for my blood work and a CT scan . We will get with the doctor next week and hear the good news . I am taking the whole day off . I think I am starting to take those first baby steps into retirement . And it isn 't nearly as scary as I thought it would be . A glorious weekend , filled with friends and food and laughs . A weekend filled with gardening . And I have to tell you these Atlas gloves are amazing . I can keep the same pair on all day . I used to carry 5 or 6 pairs of gloves with me . I would look down and see that I was missing a glove , pull one out of my apron and put it on . And repeat this all day . At the end of the day as i was putting everything away I would pick up the gloves I had dropped around the yard . Not these gloves . They are comfortable for gloves . They breathe so they don 't get as hot as you would think gloves would be . And I can do anything with them on . Gardening gloves that work . Gardens that are responding to my attention . A retirement dress rehearsal . A cookout with friends . I have not been able to get into my blog since I last posted . Isn 't it funny how much it bothers us when we can not use our technology . When we can not figure out why we can not use our technology . That is the worse . And on top of not being able to get into my blog , my contract with Sprint was up , and I don 't even want to admit how much I was paying for cell phone and Internet . Before I had a cell phone and an air card , now , a Smarter then I am phone . And it will be less per month . Well , once I have paid for the new phone , and all the charges that appear when you first make changes to your service . First , I don 't have the benefit of a teenager in the house , so that is the first disadvantage when you get a new piece of technology . And I like my technology , I say I don 't , but not being able to get anything to work for almost a week , I admit that I do not get attached to the individual toys , but I love the ability to blog , email , talk on the phone when I am not at the house . These are all wonderful things that are still amazing to me , but to my younger nieces and nephews , this is just normal life . So stepping out of my comfort zone in the desire to be money smarter , I am now the proud owner of a smart phone . I have no idea what kind I have . It doesn 't matter to me . It is the accessibility and communication that matters to me , not what I have . The first day I got it , I actually got a call . I had no idea how to answer the phone . First I had to push a button so I could see the screen , then I had to push the screen so the phone would answer . Now in my defense , I was already asleep , but I wanted to take this call . It took me awhile to figure out it was my phone , in that I do not have the same choices for music that I had before , so I am not used to this ring music . So , I figure out that it is my phone . Then I have to find my phone . This is the best and worst part of the phone . It is big , so easier to find . Big so it is a little uncomfortable in my hand . But I will get used to it . I stumble into the kitchen rummage through my purse , pull out the phone . Try and find the button to push to get to the screen . This phone does not have much in the way of buttons , no dials at all . So I feel and push , feel and push , where was that button earlier today when the nice young man at the store made it all look so easy ? ! ? ! ? ? I found the button and pushed it . There was a blinding light . I had not turned any lights on , so my pupils were wide open and now , just a matter of inches from my face I managed to take a picture . Not push the button I wanted . Fortunately the camera was not facing directly at my face . As it was it seemed forever , although a matter of seconds I was dropped to my knees blinded by the light . Blinded by the pain of the surprise of a million candle light going off in my unprotected pupils . I flip the phone over , somehow managed to see who called and called them back on the house phone . I did not admit to the caller how completely stupid I felt trying to answer the phone . I also did not want to admit that I had already been asleep for about half an hour , and had already taken my night meds , so honestly , why did I not just call them back the next day . Well , this person is someone on the road who I don 't get to talk to very often . That is true , but honestly , I was obviously not thinking clearly , and blind to boot . And feeling like when you fall off the horse , get back on right away . I refused to be beaten by this phone . I think he thought I was an idiot . I could tell that I was not holding up my end of the conversation . And all I had to say , was can you call me tomorrow , I was asleep . No , that is not who I am . Ask any of my friends , I am not one that would say that to just about any of my friends . Now , I have not answered the phone because I knew I was not capable of talking at that time . But that is only in my worst times . I did not not answer the phone . And I did not tell him that I could not talk . Instead I laughed and tried to focus on the conversation . Just the way he talks . He is like a Western writer , honest , direct , full of details that are not boring , but instead make pictures in your mind . I have said before that he is an amazing person . Kind , as a brother , adventurous as a Western writer , heart of an artist . He is too good to be true . And he probably is . I mean , how can someone that good looking , that kind , sweet , funny and talented not have a dozen or more woman interested in him . Woman who live closer to him . Woman who don 't have cancer , where there would be a chance to have a real relationship . Reality can be a hard pill to swallow . But honestly I have nothing to loose by being his friend . And you can 't make a relationship happen . You have to work at it . And if both don 't feel the same , then it will not happen . While we were talking he had a call he had been waiting on come through . So he said he would call me back later . So now I am a little more alert and awake , so I figure while I am waiting for him to call back I will learn how to answer the phone . I think I called him like 3 times . I am not sure how many times actually went through . I was not trying to call him . I was trying to figure out how to answer the phone . When he did call back , I was So this cell phone is supposed to act like my WiFi thingamajig . I don 't know how to get WiFi on my computer . And when will it start taking effect ? I have no idea . So for most of the last 2 days I have not been able to get into my email on my computer . I can see my email on my smart phone . But I tried to respond to one email and ended up writing an illegible message all in the subject . I think they could tell the point of what I was saying , but not by what I wrote . I mean I know what I was trying to say , but that is now what I said . or didn 't say . Today has gone a little better , I was able this evening to get to my email , and here I am posting . I have no idea if when I push publish what will happen . But it just feels good to write . To release . I spent the morning working in the yard , weeding , planting , watering . trimming , cutting , weeding , more weeding . It was not as hot as it has been . Not that crazy hot , just normal summer hot . I worked through the morning and into the afternoon until I had used up all the shade in the back and side gardens . Then I fixed some fruit and yogurt and sat on the back porch and read for a couple of hours . It was a lovely day . The perfect beginning of a three day weekend . My last 3 day weekend as a state employee . And I am as excited about it , as if I had years to work instead of 6 days . Yep , six part time days and I am done , through , finished , retired . I have looked forward to retirement for years , but now that it is here , it is just weird . And there is so much to do before I leave . Work that the staff will have to continue doing long after I am gone . One more person gone . One less pair of hands and eyes to data enter , answer the phone , deal with the work . I have not slowed down . I am still working as hard each day as I have worked through most of my career with the state . I am amazed at people who are short timers and act like it . And I am also amazed that I have been able to make it 13 + months part time . And even more amazing that I will have the maximum number of hours of annual leave to sale . And even a few hours of sick leave . I have planned this down almost to the hour , the day . And now it is time to start a new adventure , a new journey , a new life . And there is time to see what evolves as my life 's journey takes another turn . So many turns and twists . And who would want life any other way . Technology Nation did an interview with a doctor who is working with brewers yeast for immune deficiency diseases like Hepatitis C and cancer . Wow , it was so interesting . It helped me understand a little better why my body was waiting for the perfect storm so that I would be a prime candidate for cancer . The connections between these seemingly unrelated diseases made so much sense as he talked . They are getting ready to go into thThe next 2 weeks are packed full ; blood work , a CT scan , a doctor visit , a retirement party , finish packing my office , oh , and start getting ready to take a 2 week trip to Europe . A full life , full of friends , and moments to celebrate . Holidays like this weekend . Time to get with friends and celebrate the first official first weekend of summer . A time to celebrate heroes and the American life , getting together with friends and eat potato salad , baked beans and watermelon . A time to be thankful that we are free to do and believe as we choose . And a month later , the next big day of summer , July 4th . And aren 't the holidays in summer so wonderful . Cinco de Mayo with margaritas and nachos . A time to gather at bars and celebrate Mexican freedom . Then Memorial Day . A day that I have spent more often at the beach or in the woods , eating potato salad , baked beans and watermelon . July 4th where once again we head out to the beach , for picnics and cookouts and eat that glorious summer food again . Ice cold water melon , hot dogs , hamburgers , fried chicken , potato salad , baked beans and lemonade . Food that goes with summer . Food that takes us back to our childhood and reminds us of summers past . Of happy moments , in bathing suits , filled with sand , waiting 30 minutes to run into the warm gulf waters , not really cool or refreshing , but wet and when you come out , you feel the cool as the water dries leaving a layer of salt on your skin . And then they cut open the ice cold watermelon and you bite into it with the juices running down your chin and lay back on your towel on the sand and look up at the fireworks . Glorious flashes of color and whistles and whirs and patterns that cause us even as adults to " ooh " and " aah " . Then as summer slides into fall with the promise of cooler temperatures , we have the last weekend of summer , Labor Day . The last opportunity to eat the potato salad , baked beans and watermelon , or maybe hand cranked ice cream . Beginnings , middles and ends . To a child summer is a special time . No school , slower lifOh and summer movies . Plenty of time to sit back with a bucket of popcorn and watch an action adventure , or maybe a romantic comedy . Sigh , summer is my favorite time of year . Technology may have me stumped , and heaven knows relationships certainly have been way more difficult then they should be . OK , I did have a relationship for 25 years with one man . And we did have plenty of amazing summer vacations . But that is another part of my memories , my past life . And as all things in life , there was good and bad . Now that is the past . And I have no idea how to move forward . Move on to a new relationship ? Maybe . I have no idea how to do that . I have no idea how you know what to do . How do you meet people ? How do you take those steps , start trusting and living . I hesitate , unsure , not just about relationships , but with technology . And why is it as long as you have a teenager you can connect and answer a phone ? But with relationships , something we have formed since that first time our family takes us in their arms and name us and smell in that baby smell and count fingers and toes . How come that is so hard , and that you have to do it on your own . Or actually together on your own . All I know is that I bent over and pulled weeds with my hands , in my new high tech gloves . And I planted plants and watered them , and stretched and felt the sunshine on my face and my back and my arms . And I felt like this is where I need to be now . This summer is a time to heal . A time to dig in the dirt , to grow , to heal , to nurture my world around me , and my soul . And a time to push myself , to use technology to stay in touch and to grow and learn . Summer Friday I packed the toy , put the top down and drove down to Weeki Wachi where I picked up Colleen and on to Gulfport to Billy and Linda 's . It was a gorgeous day for a drive . We got to Gulfport and my oh my has it grown . Not that it is a big place , but it is a happening kind of place . There are restaurants and bars , a real nightlife , with a beach and atmosphere of Key West . I had always thought of this as a sleepy little quiet place hidden among all the party beaches and big towns / cities . It is still a quiet little town , but with life . It is always wonderful to get to be with Linda and Colleen . Best friends , and so similar in some ways and exact opposites in others . That always makes for a memorable weekend . Linda and Billy took care of most of the arrangements for the Memorial Service . Partly because they are here where Larry was born and spent most of his life growing up , and partly because they are get it done kind of people . They live in a beautiful house on the water with the perfect back yard , with cool Florida shade . That subtropical shade filled with familiar scents and memories of my own youth . Growing up less then an hour south . Billy has laid a brick area that is cool even at midday with temperatures reaching for the 90s . And it looks like a place where an evening with friends would be delightful . And it was . We went to Osgood Point to see Linda 's choices of where to have the service and the tossing of the ashes . Plenty of parking and on top of a raised area , that Bonnie , Larry 's cousin said was the old salvage dump . There was a covered pavilion over looking the park with an Osprey pole / nest and two busy parents feeding their two nestlings . It was perfect . Larry and I had raised two ospreys when we lived on Pine Island , Jasper and Jesper . Jesper we raised from before he had quills . He sort of turned into the neighborhood mascot with everyone in the neighborhood sharing their catch with him as he grew and then with his mate and the nestlings she raised . He was always sort of human / bird . Never completely The pavilion was perfect . We had a couple choices to do the ash tossing . I chose the lower easier to get to boardwalk that went over a break in the mangroves to give us a run of water . There were mullets , bigger then fingerlings , but still small . Hermit crabs and the smell of home . Brackish water that grows brown when it rains . Easy for my father to get to . The pavilion was out of the question of him . But the boardwalk was easy and level and we were able to put him in a camp chair with an umbrella . My nephew , Nathaniel stayed with him . It was hot , but there was a nice breeze , and typical May temperatures . We placed the photos on the canvas boards that Linda and Colleen had bought . Each of them had an easel to put the collages on . So we were set for Saturday . We had dinner in a Greek restaurant and typical of a small town , we weren 't there 15 minutes before someone they knew came up to say hello . Then Colleen and I headed across the pass to the beaches to stay with her dad for the night . What a lovely man he is . Six daughters , and the oldest and wildest , Ms Colleen . She is a treasure , and I am sure from the stories he told of her growing up , a challenge . He is retired military and then retired again from the Federal government . He was , actually still is , a pilot . Well he maintains his pilot license , but he does not have the medical requirement to be ale to fly . But his words fly in and out of stories from all over the world , all told with fondness in tone of one who has lived his life . Stories of his daughters , of flying of work and love and being retired and dealing with challenges of illness . Such a pleasure to have spent the little time I got to spend with him . He absolutely adores each and every one of his six daughters and his grandchildren . Saturday we were at the park by noon , had everything set up in no time , and rearranged again as we learned about the breeze and the last details to get all ready . People started arriving just after us . The first were Jerry and Jeannie . Dear beloved friends from Ft . Myers . They brought love and hugs from so many friends in Ft . Myers unable to come . I have not seen them in too long , and it was so good to wrap my arms around that girl and just hug her . I referred to her as " Larry 's private stripper . " She was confused because she had never stripped for him . That is true , but both Larry and I loved the fact that she was just so comfortable with herself , and even though we knew her at the end of that career , she was the only person who did that for a living that both of us were friends with . And that girl to this day just has that something about her . And even though Jeannie and I were closer friends and Larry was closer to her sister Christine , Larry adored Jeannie . Everything about her . It did not take long until people were gathering and remembering old time , talking about Larry and the park and growing up here . How is so and so ? What are you up to ? You look great ! Words said with smiles on an occasion of letting go and saying goodbye . Words said as arms were wrapped around necks and waists , hugged deep and strong . Cathy , Larry 's first " wife " was there . They were never actually married , but were together over 10 years old , and even years after Larry and I were married , there was still a spark between them . I always loved that spark . Living with Larry was always the wonderful , but challenging . And she was the only person in the world that understood it in a similar way as I . And even though they had gone their separate ways . Each finding a love that lasted , they still always cared for each other . That is a special gift to be with someone that can still care for another . They did not regret or wish for a different outcome . They both found a deep love that was the right person , and it was never uncomfortable to be arouAnd as we got in our cars and drove in our separate ways . Friends of both of ours . Dearest beloveds that like Sioux , I had just seen a week ago , and others that I had not seen for maybe 10 years or more . And we drove off , with smiles and memories , just made and just remembered off from the familiar scent of Ted Peters . The smoke house smoking the mullet and salmon and other fatty fish . But more then the smell of wood and fish and burgers , it is the smell of childhood for so many of the people there . And even for those of us who did not grow up with Ted Peters , we had own our version of the same type of place where we grew up . It was the perfect way to end this day . A reminder of how similar we all are , and how comforting it is to come together and remember that . Dad , Christopher and I drove home over the skyway . I drove over the skyway in a convertible with the top down . I was terrified of the old bridge . An irrational fear of tall bridges . It is irrational , but it is very real . I have worked hard to suppress it so that it does not hold me back from going where I want to go . I still prefer to find another way , even if it just means someone else driving , to avoid driving over these type of bridges , but this time , I drove over with 2 of my favorite people . I dropped Christopher off at home and made arrangements for everyone to come to dinner at dad 's at 6 . Just prepared food from Publix , but the opportunity to get together as a family and talk and laugh . A supportive family that supported me this weekend , like they always support me . They were there for Larry and for me . Sharing their love and strength with me to do this final act for Larry . We were all tired , and the family left early . That gave time for Dad and me just to sit , talk , and watch TV . Well , the TV was on , but I don 't know what shows they were . Dad told stories about his and mother 's summers at Culver Military Academy in North Carolina . Some of my dad 's happiest years were spent there , and even though he has told me so many stories of this place , there are always new unheard special little nuggets that catch me a little off guard . My father loves me dearly , and my cancer is so hard on him . But it has helped him to express his feelings for me . As loved as my brothers and I were , our parents were not big huggers and kissers . They were a little more reserved with us . Not to say that we were not hugged and kissed . But we were say more what you would expect out of an English family versus say an Italian family . As the only daughter , I grew up adored as the only girl child , and I always recognized that love . I still feel that deep connection with my family . That relationship not based on similarities and friendship , but of blood . That sense of belonging , regardless of how different in temperament . That indescribable connection in our DNA that says to survive , you must cling together , recognize your clan , your family , your cave . After dad and I had breakfast , I stopped by briefly to see Christopher before heading out . Then with the top down , I pointed the toy north on I - 75 and drove . Home , heading for home . Heading away from home . I was in that in - between place . In between my family and home , where roots are strongly planted in a house that my parents moved to nearly 60 years ago . Where I still have a bedroom . In - between where I have chosen to live . To where my boys , Harry and Bob are . Where my chickens scratch and cluck and my bunnies eat my garden . Where the cats wait , the flowers bloom . My bells hang and where I sing and dance and plant seeds and live my life . Where my " family " of dear beloved friends live . A weekend to remember how much we love and share with each other . A weekend to remembPosted by I was awaken at 3 : 00 am this morning with stomach issues . They continued until mid morning so I stayed home . I had plenty to do today and work I had brought home . And I thought it could not hurt to take it easier today then to fight against this stomach thing and then tomorrow I hit the road for the weekend south . The memorial service and then time with dad will take a lot to get through , so for once I was smart and did not push it . sometimes I learn . sometimes . I did feel better late morning and stopped by Isabelle 's for a quick visit and then drove into Tallahassee to pick up a couple of birthday presents . So errands run . I still need to wash and vacuum the car , but I think I will do that before I leave town tomorrow . This afternoon I got some chores done around the house . I got to see Ms Judy and Ms Denise . They were on a short vacation down to Disney earlier in the week and they brought me back a pin that is the Micky head and ears , with the head a peace sign . I love it ! ! ! Then I went out to the old airstream . I have two airstreams . One that went through Hurricane Charlie . It looks pretty bad , but airstreams are pretty darn amazing . It had trees piled up on it so that you could not see it , but it did not leak . Then I packed it with belongings and had it put up on a low boy and brought up here . Unfortunately when they were driving it off the low boy , the wooden ramps gave way , jack knifing the truck to the trailer and damaged the trailer pretty good then . But it is still fine for storage and has a lot of things that I have not gone through since I moved here . That is one of the things on my to do list after I retire . I still plan on using it for storage , but I would like to go through it and through out or donate a lot of the stuff in it , and then repack it in a better order . That way I can clear out boxes in the barn so that eventually the barn can be used as a shop . I quickly went through boxes and pulled bags and sleeves of photographs . I brought them into the house and went through them coming up with about 2 dozen photos to take down to the Memorial Service . More then enough , and Colleen and Linda and I will go through them and pick out the best . It was fun looking through all the pictures we took on all 3 trips to Alaska . And there were photos from our trip out west to Seattle and we ended up in Canada and went to Buchardt Gardens . Even the photos are amazing with how many flowers there were . I swear they have more flowers in that garden then anywhere else in the world . There were pictures in the redwood forest , the petrified forest , Nova Scotia , New Foundland and Prince Edward Island . Photos from Route 66 , Honduras , Key West , the Bahamas . Larry and I drove in and through 49 states , somehow missing Vermont and Hawaii . And there are photos of mountains and valleys , waterfalls , rivers and lakes , flowers , trees , ferns , signs naming famous places and camping in quiet secluded forests . We did travel . And now I have some of the best pictures of Larry from that life to take to the MeWell , now to make a birthday present . This coming weekend is also a sweet lovely young woman who I love so dearly , and I can 't say who she is or what I am making , but I need to get back to it . I hope she likes it . And it is getting hot . Oh , yes , it is getting hot . And it is summer , so it is supposed to be hot . I need to water more , and I need to move some of my plants into the shade house so that they will get watered everyday even if I am not here until I can get them moved permanently into their new homes . It was a good day . A day of accomplishments and rest . I got things done I needed to do , and that has taken a little stress off of me . And I look forward to retiring and taking up more of these things that feel like they have made their home on my to do list . It is spring , even though it feels like summer , and for many of us it stirs our DNA and says , " Spring cleaning " I see that Ms Moon over at Bless Our Hearts that she too feels the pull to clean out and make room . Does this go back to our roots as humans when we would move each summer season with the food . Packing up our belongings and following the herds , moving through the areas where fruits , berries and edible roots and veggies were gathered , eaten and preserved for the winter months . I don 't know , but it is spring and I too feel that pull to let go of things . Of course I have additional reasons to go through things now . I don 't want to leave too much for my brothers to have to deal with . I am not foolish enough to think that I will not be leaving them with some things to deal with , but I would like to keep that to a minimum . And we have a wonderful thrift store for the humane society here and I will donate the best of that which I want to get rid of there . Mostly I want to go through my books . I have two addictions , books and plants . And some of my books I can give to the library for their book sale , but there are others , old friends that I miss . I want to visit again . When we lived on Pine Island I had book shelves everywhere . Running completely around the entire house about a foot and a half below the ceiling were book shelves . The bottom of the shelves resting on top of the windows and door frames . I can 't do that here , and I don 't have enough shelves to house all of my books , but I do have room for those old friends that I can not part with . The others , hopefully will raise a little money for the library and give people an opportunity to own a book they love . So back to work , it has been a good day . My hair , seemed to fit a little better . The shock of tA good day . It was 43 degrees this morning in Tallahassee . 43 ! May 18th , Florida . That is just not right . Don 't get me wrong , there are a lot of people in town who are loving this . I am not one of them . As a rule , I do not complain about the heat . I like it hot . I like it humid . I am an Entomologist and many insects like the weather just like I do , so that works in my favor . And having lived in Florida my entire life , enjoying the heat and humidity has always been a plus . 43 is below 50 . I feel the right to whine when it gets below 50 . I actually considered one time , quite seriously of moving to Wyoming . What was I thinking ? ! ? ? ? ! ! ! ! Fortunately that did not work out , and instead I ended up moving to Key West for a couple of years because it was the warmest place on the map the day I had to choose my first teaching job . I even thought about living one full year in Alaska to experience the whole light / dark thing and the temperatures and how do people live for half the year when it is colder then I can imagine . But then I realized what a dumb idea that was . Most of my friends from Alaska do not live there in the winter . They head to Hawaii or down in the lower 49s . I mean really who was I kidding ? This is as far north as I have ever lived , and I have to tell you that there are days when I simply do not leave the house . And we are talking Florida here folks . So 43 was cold for me . Very cold . But it has warmed up and actually turned into a perfectly beautiful day . And it is supposed to be gorgeous for the next week . In other words it is going to get hot again . And yes , I do start to look toward that first cool down in the fall after a long hot summer , but with mixed emotions . The coolness changes the light and the green of the plants and the gardens come alive again after the heat and stress of summer , but it also signals that winter is on its way . Cold is on its way . I like to take a vacation in the fall up north . It sort of reminds me of what is coming and helps me prepare for the cold . It is also a way to extend the summer . By putting off my " summer " vacation it is like it extends the summer a little longer . And then to head to St . George Island , to the beach after the summer crowd leaves is one of the loveliest simple pleasures of living in the " north " . It has been a long week . It feels like it is flying by , and yet it is only Wednesday . Ms Moon and I were talking only yesterday about how fast time was moving and then laughed at ourselves when we realized it felt like Friday , but was only Tuesday . It is just a weird week . Weird temperatures , weird time , just weird . Last night I was invited to a full moon meditation at my friends Janak and Geeta 's house . This is the second one I have been able to attend . Last month was lovely , although schedules meant that we were not able to meet on the full moon . And there were just four of us last month . It was a nice time , being quiet with friends and then sharing a meal , eating and laughing together . This month there were 10 of us . That includes Janak mother , whom everyone calls Bah . I love Bah . We don 't speak the same language , but she is just so special to me . Bah is found of me also . I think that is because she knows how fond I am of her , and her cooking . She can make a dish I call stuffed vegetables like nobodies business . It is my favorite and Bah has made it for my birthday on several occasions . I had not met half of the people attending until last eveniSo my hair has been growing out . And I had never thought about it before , but hair does not grow the same all over your head . One side of my hair was much longer then the other . The top was longer then the sides , the back curlier and completely different color and length then any of my other hair . The top is wavy and whiter , or was . I had no idea what I wanted . I just knew that it looked like someone who had lost their hair and it was growing back . But unfortunately I do not speak hair dresser and I make it so hard on anyone wanting to cut my hair because I don 't know what to say or how to ask for it to be cut . They say , " bring a picture " . Well , I don 't know what my hair is doing to know what picture to take . The top right along my hair line had lovely waves , almost curls . The top grows left then right and in every direction but the same . So I went to the person who has consistently cut my hair the best . She did her best this time , but honestly , a lot had to come off just to take off the dryness from the meds and to get it all close to the same length . But it is short . Well , the front is short . She left a lot more length on the back . And with all haircuts it will take me about a week to get used to it . That is probably why most of my life I just let my hair grow . For most of my life my hair was to my waist or longer . Now it is about an inch long in the front , maybe almost twice that in the back . And it is cute . But all of the wave and almost curl on the top and side is gone . It is a good cut and I know it will grow in well . I had hoped to just shape it up a bit and keep the waves and curls , but they will grow back . I just wanted my hair to look nice for this weekend when I see my dad . This will be the first time he will have seen me since my hair grew back . It is almost as short as he might have seen it before . But it will grow out . And she gave my hair a good cut and maybe we both have a better idea of what I want . I really don 't know what I want . I want it to be what I consider short , which is not as short as Then I came home and took pictures of the hydrangeas . This garden is a triangle shaped garden with hydrangeas , crinium lilies , hostas and native gladiolas . I have maybe 8 hydrangeas in the garden . One is white . Beautiful clean , bright blanco . Then there is an oakleaf hydrangea that the flowers open white and fade to beige and then pink . Big spikes of flowers . There is one lace cap that is blueish . And one " red " one . The rest are those that change color depending on the PH . I swear there is every shade of blue , pink and purple . Well , here are some photos so you can see . Standing in front of the garden and seeing all the different colors . It is breathtaking . I need to cut the plants back severely this year . I hope to do some air layering and maybe try some cuttings . If I am going to cut itback , I might as well propagate them . Tomorrow I have so many things to do . I need to get birthday presents , finish going throughphotos , pack and get the house ready for a few days gone . It is finally here . Larry 's memorial service . So many of my friends are so worried about me . I think , " I have cancer . " I have handled that pretty darn well , and I am stronger then they realize . I hope they give me the space to be strong . I appreciate having hands and loving arms waiting to catch me , but give me the chance to see if I can stand or if I will fall . I know it will be hard . It will be hard for all of us . OK , he was my husband and yes , we had a connection that no one else had . But most people there will have known Larry for 20 or 30 or 60 years . This will be hard for all of us . To let this person who was so full of life go . To free his ashes to the wind and water . To give him back to the environment he was so a part of . To send his ashes off from the land his grandfather pulled off the bottom of the bayou and made into a marina , now a park . A life , a future , a way of living off the land and the water . I hope Larry has found the peace that evaded him the last part of his life . I hope that it gives us left behind the peace we need to let him go , and to move past the turmoil and upheaval he brought into our lives these last few years . He gave us laughter and joy during his life , and hopefully we can get that back . hopegratefulness for our lives and choicesgratefulness for closurehopehope for that peace Let me be the first to give Colin 's line : " That is all ? Why don 't we take it on the road ? " Colin would say that every show . And we did one time . We took Later Life to Milton , Florida . Yee - haw ! To the biggest stage and theater you could imagine . And this at the local high school . Milton is much larger then Jefferson county . There are about twice as many people that live in Milton as in all of Jefferson County . I like Jefferson County just fine the way it is , thank you very much . But back to Colin , " We 've put in all this work and did all these rehearsals , six shows is just not enough . " He is right it is a lot of work for 6 performances . But our fun is done . We earned good money for the Opera House and today we will break the set . I miss Colin . Last night 's show was the best of shows and the worst of shows . Best of shows because the entire cast worked together to make everything work and be fun and give every bit the audiences monies worth . The first challenge came early on in the first act . I had just done my part of the lights and had needed to pee , but the last 20 minutes or so before the show opens is quite hectic . We are working the door checking reservations , taking people to the tables , making sure everyone is OK . Coordinating with the serving volunteers and the kitchen staff . Making sure the actors have everything they need . Getting their food and drink set . Are all the props working and in in place ? Costumes set , makeup on , lights working , sound effects check , piano player taken care of . Audience ramped up . All done , and then the lights go down and the stage lights go up . So here I am free for the next 10 minutes and all I needed was just a couple to myself . I was barely inside the ladies room when I heard a noise I had never heard before . I stood still and thought to myself , " That did not sound right " . As I washed my hands to get back out there , I heard applause . I had never heard applause at this point before . That did not sound right . I stepped out of the bathroom and saw Judy running behind the Opera House . I thought I have never seen her do that before , that did not look right . I found out , that George , our Thuggee had spun off the stage as he swung his saber over his head . He made it look very athletic as he tumbled and rolled off the stage onto the floor . He has been having a fit with his hip anyway , this did not help . But he walked off the stage in character and continued the play . And today he was there in the thick of things breaking the set . I love our Thugbert , mathematician , author , zen leader , haver of anything you can not find anywhere , sweet , funny person . My " sister " Sioux came up to see the show and she started talking to Thugbert and math comes up as it so often does in conversations and so now I am mailing her one of his books because we all think it might help get her mind in the right place to soar through her last 3 classes to complete her AA . Three math classes . Sioux is an artist and an extremely talented woman , but she sometimes feel a little threatened by math . And who of us hasn 't ? Remember 3rd & 4th grade learning the multiplication tables ? Rote memory is how they taught us . And that left a bad taste in the mouth . But Thugbert 's book will help her to see math in a new light . A common sense , why it is done the way that it is . I mean really talking about math . It is very cool . And I know it will help her . Thanks Thugbert ! ! ! He is self published and the price of the book is so reasonable for the perception change it gives you about math . If anyone is interested in talking to this Author about his book , I will try and hook you up . If you have someone in your life struggling with math , this is a wonderful present to give yourself or your loved one . And that is an unpaid commercial . Let me know and I will find out from George if I can post his email address , or how he would like to get in touch with people . But once again , I digress . . . . . . . Back to the play . . . . . . . . between acts 1 and 2 Mystic got sick . And in between each act sicker and sicker . It looked and sounded like food poisoning . And she was as sick as anyone I have ever seen with food poisoning , The cast got together and went over the dialogue and reworded it so the Mystic did not have to say anything at all . If she could just sit there then they could get work out the dialogue . They also left her the opportunity if she felt well enough to give her dialogue . I can 't tell you how proud I am of them . They are an amazing team . I have worked with a lot of casts and we have been close . But I never used the term " team " before this cast . But that is how they worked . And it was genius . The Mystic insisted with " On with the show " and made every entrance on time . She looked sicker and sicker on stage . She lost one of her contacts that turn her deep brown eyes into blind eyes . That made her look even more " mystic " and crazy . She could not focus . She could barely hold her head up and when she was not on stage she was being sick . I wanted to say , " give me your wig and your robe . I can go in your place and the cast will do the lines . " But I saw the look on her face . She felt like she was letting the cast down . And there was no way I could possibly convince her otherwise , especially if I tried to wrestle her part away from her for her own good . The idea of doing her part was frightening , but a necessary back up plan . I kept it to myself . I stood by and watched her again and again wipe the sweat from her face and shakily walk back to the stage , her dialogue weaving back and forth between her and the rest of the cast . Each supporting the other . Each watching the mystic with such respect at her will to do her part . She did not let anyone down . She gave the cast the most amazing gift . To deal with a challenge together , and to share the burden of the challenge together and to make the Directors proud . To give the audience the show they paid to see . Because they never thought twice that there was another option tThen at the after party Jack and Jan presented Judy and I each with one of the plants from Colin 's Memorial Service . We had picked this play partly because we wanted Colin in it . But that was not to be . But it meant so much to Judy and I to each get our own little piece of Colin . So special . Colin I miss you . Everyone loved the show . The Caterer made sure that the entire cast had dinner after the show , and Sioux was there and got to be with my friends and see what I do . She made friends of her own , and I think this was her first murder mystery and she loved it and had a wonderful time . Sioux and I stayed up way too late , and then had to get up way too early this morning . Sioux had to get on the road for the 6 hour drive . She has home work that must be done tonight . I had a day planned of rest and activity . I sat at the Camilla Garden Circle table from 12 - 2 with Georgie . We sold atlas garden gloves to raise money to send kids to the 4H club . We sold one pair , but we bought some ourselves . They will make wonderful Christmas gifts , if I can hold on to them that long . A double gift , a child goes to camp and my friends get wonderful garden gloves . The world is such a magical place . The Mayhaw festival at Golden Acres Farm was where the booth was . There were other vendors and everyone was so nice and happy and the weather was perfect rain scrubbed and cooled , the light clear and sharper without all the dust and smoke in the air . Families with children raced by with the little ones crowing and pointing at the chickens . Goats waundered through the crowd . Hay rides drove wagons full of people out and around all the different varieties of goat and sheep . Bob Cooper and I discussed Lulu and Bunny . Two baby girl goats they have for sale . I think Nigerean dwarf goats might be part of who they are . I told him I could not consider getting any pets until after I return from Europe with Dad . He said he would hold them . I said , " No , look for a home for them , and when I get back we will see if they are available or if they have gone to their new homes . I would like them for goat milk soap . Bob and Melanie have this 7 page contract you sign when you buy their goats . No eating . No eating of their offspring of any generation . They are to be kept in certain secure situations , other pets must be reviewed , etc . I like that . I like that they love their goats so much they want to make sure that they will be taken care of appropriately . I am not sure if I want to take on goats . I have had them before . They are no more trouble then a dog . But that would be like getting 2 new dogs . hmmmmm . I will think about it . I would love goats in my pasture . And I love goat manure for my gardens . After the Mayhaw festival the toy flew me to the Opera House where we broke the set . There was a nice turn out of volunteers from the cast and crew to break things down , and it went quickly . About 2 hours and most everything had been moved back into its place , and now we just need the 2 guys who move the stage for us come carry the stage outside and Virginia Jones and the Curse of Nergal will be another happy memory . And I am home and will make a few phone calls to catch up and then hopefully get to bed early to read and then to sleep And I am grateful for the play with its amazing cast and crew . And for the audience , so many familiar faces coming to all the plays and events at our Opera House . And for this glorious cool , over cast spring day . The light almost shaded blue like looking through pale sunglasses . Happy to have seen Sioux , grateful that Ms Moon is home . Grateful that Marcy and Fred will soon be home . |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me This was the best 3 day holiday I have ever had . I thought of it as a dry run to retirement . So I thought about sleeping in , and on Monday I did not get out of bed until 7am . Yep , 7 : 00 . Do I know how to have a good time or what ? ! Ok , so I was up at 6 : 30 , the point is that I rolled over and took it easy and felt no obligation to get up and get going as early as I normally would . Monday I spent the entire day thinking , this is what a normal day of retirement could be . I ate breakfast on the back porch reading my book . I worked in the yard the entire day . I know everyone thought it was so hot , but I worked in the front yard where there is shade . I climbed the 12 foot ladder about 40 million times trimming branches and opening up the yard . My pink perfection camellia did not bloom as much as it has in other years . I think that is mostly because it was so shaded out by a maple tree that I didn 't want . So I was going to cut it down , but without a chain saw it was going to take more then the one day I had to cut it down with a hand saw , so instead I cut all the branches within reach off . It opened up my front yard and now the pink perfection is getting all the sun it needs . I opened the drive way , I removed the trash trees around a dogwood . I took the oak branches off around the bird bell which brought in more light to the flower gardens in that area . It is one of those jobs that you put off , but when you finally do it , it is amazing how much better the yard look and the gardens do . And yet , it is not that you can point at a new garden and say , " Wow ! Look at that . " No , this is something that you can 't point to , but everything looks better . That is more then I can say about my legs . Between the thorny vines and the millions of yellow flies I look like a child from a TV commercial . My legs are scratched and cut with huge red bites . It is not attractive . But it was so worth it . My yard is finally starting to look like my yard again . After a year of not being well enough to work in my yard , I am back ! ! ! And my yard is responding . That is one of the best things about gardening . You can ignore something for so long , but when you give it a little water , a little attention , and a gift card from the best plant nursery in town , you can work wonders . Sunday night a few of us met at the Moon 's and had a little cookout . It was just a few of us , none of us were into a big get together , but it was a holiday . And holidays require getting together with friends and eat potato salad , bake beans and watermelon . We did all of that and more . It was laid back and just a nice time to catch up with a few friends , around the fire , eating summer food and laughing and talking . Then the perfect Monday . sigh , I think I will like retirement . Today I went back to work . I wrote goodbye emails and sent them to the various field staff I used to work with . And then sent a good bye to the other Supervisors I used to work with in the field . I answered phones , data entered , scanned , worked and worked . At 1 : 00 it was time to leave , and there was still so much to do . I thought I could just stay here another couple of hours and get so much more done . But , really , there is always going to be something to do . There is always going to be more work then any of us are going to be able to do . So I got up and left . I have 4 days left to work . Four days . I am anxious . But not about retiring , about going when there is so much to do , and so few of people to do it . And the hiring freeze has not been lifted so they will not be able to fill a position . But I will have to let go , and I will . I am looking forward to the next part of the journey . I hope that their will be employment of some kind involved . I like to work . I like to do my best to help people . And for 25 + years I have been able to do that with the Department , and where I will go next , I am not sure . I hope to increase my volunteer work , but I need to make sure to take this step by step . I don 't need to set myself up to just making the same mistakes again . Just working myself into a frenzy again . I don 't need to manage and take on the world , just take it one day at a time . So after work , I went to the cigar store . I had gone on Friday , but they were closed for the holiday . But today they were open and the man in the store was very nice to me . He must have gotten a kick out of my ignorance , but desire to learn . I bought the last of a particular cigar and he gave me the box . This is no cardboard box , or even a a balsa wood box . This is a wooden box with a details and gold decorations , I mean this is glorious box . And then he helped me to get a couple of cigars ready to mail , and a discount on top of it all . Hey , that is a good shopping experience . I will be back . Tomorrow I go for my blood work and a CT scan . We will get with the doctor next week and hear the good news . I am taking the whole day off . I think I am starting to take those first baby steps into retirement . And it isn 't nearly as scary as I thought it would be . A glorious weekend , filled with friends and food and laughs . A weekend filled with gardening . And I have to tell you these Atlas gloves are amazing . I can keep the same pair on all day . I used to carry 5 or 6 pairs of gloves with me . I would look down and see that I was missing a glove , pull one out of my apron and put it on . And repeat this all day . At the end of the day as i was putting everything away I would pick up the gloves I had dropped around the yard . Not these gloves . They are comfortable for gloves . They breathe so they don 't get as hot as you would think gloves would be . And I can do anything with them on . Gardening gloves that work . Gardens that are responding to my attention . A retirement dress rehearsal . A cookout with friends . I have not been able to get into my blog since I last posted . Isn 't it funny how much it bothers us when we can not use our technology . When we can not figure out why we can not use our technology . That is the worse . And on top of not being able to get into my blog , my contract with Sprint was up , and I don 't even want to admit how much I was paying for cell phone and Internet . Before I had a cell phone and an air card , now , a Smarter then I am phone . And it will be less per month . Well , once I have paid for the new phone , and all the charges that appear when you first make changes to your service . First , I don 't have the benefit of a teenager in the house , so that is the first disadvantage when you get a new piece of technology . And I like my technology , I say I don 't , but not being able to get anything to work for almost a week , I admit that I do not get attached to the individual toys , but I love the ability to blog , email , talk on the phone when I am not at the house . These are all wonderful things that are still amazing to me , but to my younger nieces and nephews , this is just normal life . So stepping out of my comfort zone in the desire to be money smarter , I am now the proud owner of a smart phone . I have no idea what kind I have . It doesn 't matter to me . It is the accessibility and communication that matters to me , not what I have . The first day I got it , I actually got a call . I had no idea how to answer the phone . First I had to push a button so I could see the screen , then I had to push the screen so the phone would answer . Now in my defense , I was already asleep , but I wanted to take this call . It took me awhile to figure out it was my phone , in that I do not have the same choices for music that I had before , so I am not used to this ring music . So , I figure out that it is my phone . Then I have to find my phone . This is the best and worst part of the phone . It is big , so easier to find . Big so it is a little uncomfortable in my hand . But I will get used to it . I stumble into the kitchen rummage through my purse , pull out the phone . Try and find the button to push to get to the screen . This phone does not have much in the way of buttons , no dials at all . So I feel and push , feel and push , where was that button earlier today when the nice young man at the store made it all look so easy ? ! ? ! ? ? I found the button and pushed it . There was a blinding light . I had not turned any lights on , so my pupils were wide open and now , just a matter of inches from my face I managed to take a picture . Not push the button I wanted . Fortunately the camera was not facing directly at my face . As it was it seemed forever , although a matter of seconds I was dropped to my knees blinded by the light . Blinded by the pain of the surprise of a million candle light going off in my unprotected pupils . I flip the phone over , somehow managed to see who called and called them back on the house phone . I did not admit to the caller how completely stupid I felt trying to answer the phone . I also did not want to admit that I had already been asleep for about half an hour , and had already taken my night meds , so honestly , why did I not just call them back the next day . Well , this person is someone on the road who I don 't get to talk to very often . That is true , but honestly , I was obviously not thinking clearly , and blind to boot . And feeling like when you fall off the horse , get back on right away . I refused to be beaten by this phone . I think he thought I was an idiot . I could tell that I was not holding up my end of the conversation . And all I had to say , was can you call me tomorrow , I was asleep . No , that is not who I am . Ask any of my friends , I am not one that would say that to just about any of my friends . Now , I have not answered the phone because I knew I was not capable of talking at that time . But that is only in my worst times . I did not not answer the phone . And I did not tell him that I could not talk . Instead I laughed and tried to focus on the conversation . Just the way he talks . He is like a Western writer , honest , direct , full of details that are not boring , but instead make pictures in your mind . I have said before that he is an amazing person . Kind , as a brother , adventurous as a Western writer , heart of an artist . He is too good to be true . And he probably is . I mean , how can someone that good looking , that kind , sweet , funny and talented not have a dozen or more woman interested in him . Woman who live closer to him . Woman who don 't have cancer , where there would be a chance to have a real relationship . Reality can be a hard pill to swallow . But honestly I have nothing to loose by being his friend . And you can 't make a relationship happen . You have to work at it . And if both don 't feel the same , then it will not happen . While we were talking he had a call he had been waiting on come through . So he said he would call me back later . So now I am a little more alert and awake , so I figure while I am waiting for him to call back I will learn how to answer the phone . I think I called him like 3 times . I am not sure how many times actually went through . I was not trying to call him . I was trying to figure out how to answer the phone . When he did call back , I was So this cell phone is supposed to act like my WiFi thingamajig . I don 't know how to get WiFi on my computer . And when will it start taking effect ? I have no idea . So for most of the last 2 days I have not been able to get into my email on my computer . I can see my email on my smart phone . But I tried to respond to one email and ended up writing an illegible message all in the subject . I think they could tell the point of what I was saying , but not by what I wrote . I mean I know what I was trying to say , but that is now what I said . or didn 't say . Today has gone a little better , I was able this evening to get to my email , and here I am posting . I have no idea if when I push publish what will happen . But it just feels good to write . To release . I spent the morning working in the yard , weeding , planting , watering . trimming , cutting , weeding , more weeding . It was not as hot as it has been . Not that crazy hot , just normal summer hot . I worked through the morning and into the afternoon until I had used up all the shade in the back and side gardens . Then I fixed some fruit and yogurt and sat on the back porch and read for a couple of hours . It was a lovely day . The perfect beginning of a three day weekend . My last 3 day weekend as a state employee . And I am as excited about it , as if I had years to work instead of 6 days . Yep , six part time days and I am done , through , finished , retired . I have looked forward to retirement for years , but now that it is here , it is just weird . And there is so much to do before I leave . Work that the staff will have to continue doing long after I am gone . One more person gone . One less pair of hands and eyes to data enter , answer the phone , deal with the work . I have not slowed down . I am still working as hard each day as I have worked through most of my career with the state . I am amazed at people who are short timers and act like it . And I am also amazed that I have been able to make it 13 + months part time . And even more amazing that I will have the maximum number of hours of annual leave to sale . And even a few hours of sick leave . I have planned this down almost to the hour , the day . And now it is time to start a new adventure , a new journey , a new life . And there is time to see what evolves as my life 's journey takes another turn . So many turns and twists . And who would want life any other way . Technology Nation did an interview with a doctor who is working with brewers yeast for immune deficiency diseases like Hepatitis C and cancer . Wow , it was so interesting . It helped me understand a little better why my body was waiting for the perfect storm so that I would be a prime candidate for cancer . The connections between these seemingly unrelated diseases made so much sense as he talked . They are getting ready to go into thThe next 2 weeks are packed full ; blood work , a CT scan , a doctor visit , a retirement party , finish packing my office , oh , and start getting ready to take a 2 week trip to Europe . A full life , full of friends , and moments to celebrate . Holidays like this weekend . Time to get with friends and celebrate the first official first weekend of summer . A time to celebrate heroes and the American life , getting together with friends and eat potato salad , baked beans and watermelon . A time to be thankful that we are free to do and believe as we choose . And a month later , the next big day of summer , July 4th . And aren 't the holidays in summer so wonderful . Cinco de Mayo with margaritas and nachos . A time to gather at bars and celebrate Mexican freedom . Then Memorial Day . A day that I have spent more often at the beach or in the woods , eating potato salad , baked beans and watermelon . July 4th where once again we head out to the beach , for picnics and cookouts and eat that glorious summer food again . Ice cold water melon , hot dogs , hamburgers , fried chicken , potato salad , baked beans and lemonade . Food that goes with summer . Food that takes us back to our childhood and reminds us of summers past . Of happy moments , in bathing suits , filled with sand , waiting 30 minutes to run into the warm gulf waters , not really cool or refreshing , but wet and when you come out , you feel the cool as the water dries leaving a layer of salt on your skin . And then they cut open the ice cold watermelon and you bite into it with the juices running down your chin and lay back on your towel on the sand and look up at the fireworks . Glorious flashes of color and whistles and whirs and patterns that cause us even as adults to " ooh " and " aah " . Then as summer slides into fall with the promise of cooler temperatures , we have the last weekend of summer , Labor Day . The last opportunity to eat the potato salad , baked beans and watermelon , or maybe hand cranked ice cream . Beginnings , middles and ends . To a child summer is a special time . No school , slower lifOh and summer movies . Plenty of time to sit back with a bucket of popcorn and watch an action adventure , or maybe a romantic comedy . Sigh , summer is my favorite time of year . Technology may have me stumped , and heaven knows relationships certainly have been way more difficult then they should be . OK , I did have a relationship for 25 years with one man . And we did have plenty of amazing summer vacations . But that is another part of my memories , my past life . And as all things in life , there was good and bad . Now that is the past . And I have no idea how to move forward . Move on to a new relationship ? Maybe . I have no idea how to do that . I have no idea how you know what to do . How do you meet people ? How do you take those steps , start trusting and living . I hesitate , unsure , not just about relationships , but with technology . And why is it as long as you have a teenager you can connect and answer a phone ? But with relationships , something we have formed since that first time our family takes us in their arms and name us and smell in that baby smell and count fingers and toes . How come that is so hard , and that you have to do it on your own . Or actually together on your own . All I know is that I bent over and pulled weeds with my hands , in my new high tech gloves . And I planted plants and watered them , and stretched and felt the sunshine on my face and my back and my arms . And I felt like this is where I need to be now . This summer is a time to heal . A time to dig in the dirt , to grow , to heal , to nurture my world around me , and my soul . And a time to push myself , to use technology to stay in touch and to grow and learn . Summer Friday I packed the toy , put the top down and drove down to Weeki Wachi where I picked up Colleen and on to Gulfport to Billy and Linda 's . It was a gorgeous day for a drive . We got to Gulfport and my oh my has it grown . Not that it is a big place , but it is a happening kind of place . There are restaurants and bars , a real nightlife , with a beach and atmosphere of Key West . I had always thought of this as a sleepy little quiet place hidden among all the party beaches and big towns / cities . It is still a quiet little town , but with life . It is always wonderful to get to be with Linda and Colleen . Best friends , and so similar in some ways and exact opposites in others . That always makes for a memorable weekend . Linda and Billy took care of most of the arrangements for the Memorial Service . Partly because they are here where Larry was born and spent most of his life growing up , and partly because they are get it done kind of people . They live in a beautiful house on the water with the perfect back yard , with cool Florida shade . That subtropical shade filled with familiar scents and memories of my own youth . Growing up less then an hour south . Billy has laid a brick area that is cool even at midday with temperatures reaching for the 90s . And it looks like a place where an evening with friends would be delightful . And it was . We went to Osgood Point to see Linda 's choices of where to have the service and the tossing of the ashes . Plenty of parking and on top of a raised area , that Bonnie , Larry 's cousin said was the old salvage dump . There was a covered pavilion over looking the park with an Osprey pole / nest and two busy parents feeding their two nestlings . It was perfect . Larry and I had raised two ospreys when we lived on Pine Island , Jasper and Jesper . Jesper we raised from before he had quills . He sort of turned into the neighborhood mascot with everyone in the neighborhood sharing their catch with him as he grew and then with his mate and the nestlings she raised . He was always sort of human / bird . Never completely The pavilion was perfect . We had a couple choices to do the ash tossing . I chose the lower easier to get to boardwalk that went over a break in the mangroves to give us a run of water . There were mullets , bigger then fingerlings , but still small . Hermit crabs and the smell of home . Brackish water that grows brown when it rains . Easy for my father to get to . The pavilion was out of the question of him . But the boardwalk was easy and level and we were able to put him in a camp chair with an umbrella . My nephew , Nathaniel stayed with him . It was hot , but there was a nice breeze , and typical May temperatures . We placed the photos on the canvas boards that Linda and Colleen had bought . Each of them had an easel to put the collages on . So we were set for Saturday . We had dinner in a Greek restaurant and typical of a small town , we weren 't there 15 minutes before someone they knew came up to say hello . Then Colleen and I headed across the pass to the beaches to stay with her dad for the night . What a lovely man he is . Six daughters , and the oldest and wildest , Ms Colleen . She is a treasure , and I am sure from the stories he told of her growing up , a challenge . He is retired military and then retired again from the Federal government . He was , actually still is , a pilot . Well he maintains his pilot license , but he does not have the medical requirement to be ale to fly . But his words fly in and out of stories from all over the world , all told with fondness in tone of one who has lived his life . Stories of his daughters , of flying of work and love and being retired and dealing with challenges of illness . Such a pleasure to have spent the little time I got to spend with him . He absolutely adores each and every one of his six daughters and his grandchildren . Saturday we were at the park by noon , had everything set up in no time , and rearranged again as we learned about the breeze and the last details to get all ready . People started arriving just after us . The first were Jerry and Jeannie . Dear beloved friends from Ft . Myers . They brought love and hugs from so many friends in Ft . Myers unable to come . I have not seen them in too long , and it was so good to wrap my arms around that girl and just hug her . I referred to her as " Larry 's private stripper . " She was confused because she had never stripped for him . That is true , but both Larry and I loved the fact that she was just so comfortable with herself , and even though we knew her at the end of that career , she was the only person who did that for a living that both of us were friends with . And that girl to this day just has that something about her . And even though Jeannie and I were closer friends and Larry was closer to her sister Christine , Larry adored Jeannie . Everything about her . It did not take long until people were gathering and remembering old time , talking about Larry and the park and growing up here . How is so and so ? What are you up to ? You look great ! Words said with smiles on an occasion of letting go and saying goodbye . Words said as arms were wrapped around necks and waists , hugged deep and strong . Cathy , Larry 's first " wife " was there . They were never actually married , but were together over 10 years old , and even years after Larry and I were married , there was still a spark between them . I always loved that spark . Living with Larry was always the wonderful , but challenging . And she was the only person in the world that understood it in a similar way as I . And even though they had gone their separate ways . Each finding a love that lasted , they still always cared for each other . That is a special gift to be with someone that can still care for another . They did not regret or wish for a different outcome . They both found a deep love that was the right person , and it was never uncomfortable to be arouAnd as we got in our cars and drove in our separate ways . Friends of both of ours . Dearest beloveds that like Sioux , I had just seen a week ago , and others that I had not seen for maybe 10 years or more . And we drove off , with smiles and memories , just made and just remembered off from the familiar scent of Ted Peters . The smoke house smoking the mullet and salmon and other fatty fish . But more then the smell of wood and fish and burgers , it is the smell of childhood for so many of the people there . And even for those of us who did not grow up with Ted Peters , we had own our version of the same type of place where we grew up . It was the perfect way to end this day . A reminder of how similar we all are , and how comforting it is to come together and remember that . Dad , Christopher and I drove home over the skyway . I drove over the skyway in a convertible with the top down . I was terrified of the old bridge . An irrational fear of tall bridges . It is irrational , but it is very real . I have worked hard to suppress it so that it does not hold me back from going where I want to go . I still prefer to find another way , even if it just means someone else driving , to avoid driving over these type of bridges , but this time , I drove over with 2 of my favorite people . I dropped Christopher off at home and made arrangements for everyone to come to dinner at dad 's at 6 . Just prepared food from Publix , but the opportunity to get together as a family and talk and laugh . A supportive family that supported me this weekend , like they always support me . They were there for Larry and for me . Sharing their love and strength with me to do this final act for Larry . We were all tired , and the family left early . That gave time for Dad and me just to sit , talk , and watch TV . Well , the TV was on , but I don 't know what shows they were . Dad told stories about his and mother 's summers at Culver Military Academy in North Carolina . Some of my dad 's happiest years were spent there , and even though he has told me so many stories of this place , there are always new unheard special little nuggets that catch me a little off guard . My father loves me dearly , and my cancer is so hard on him . But it has helped him to express his feelings for me . As loved as my brothers and I were , our parents were not big huggers and kissers . They were a little more reserved with us . Not to say that we were not hugged and kissed . But we were say more what you would expect out of an English family versus say an Italian family . As the only daughter , I grew up adored as the only girl child , and I always recognized that love . I still feel that deep connection with my family . That relationship not based on similarities and friendship , but of blood . That sense of belonging , regardless of how different in temperament . That indescribable connection in our DNA that says to survive , you must cling together , recognize your clan , your family , your cave . After dad and I had breakfast , I stopped by briefly to see Christopher before heading out . Then with the top down , I pointed the toy north on I - 75 and drove . Home , heading for home . Heading away from home . I was in that in - between place . In between my family and home , where roots are strongly planted in a house that my parents moved to nearly 60 years ago . Where I still have a bedroom . In - between where I have chosen to live . To where my boys , Harry and Bob are . Where my chickens scratch and cluck and my bunnies eat my garden . Where the cats wait , the flowers bloom . My bells hang and where I sing and dance and plant seeds and live my life . Where my " family " of dear beloved friends live . A weekend to remember how much we love and share with each other . A weekend to remembPosted by I was awaken at 3 : 00 am this morning with stomach issues . They continued until mid morning so I stayed home . I had plenty to do today and work I had brought home . And I thought it could not hurt to take it easier today then to fight against this stomach thing and then tomorrow I hit the road for the weekend south . The memorial service and then time with dad will take a lot to get through , so for once I was smart and did not push it . sometimes I learn . sometimes . I did feel better late morning and stopped by Isabelle 's for a quick visit and then drove into Tallahassee to pick up a couple of birthday presents . So errands run . I still need to wash and vacuum the car , but I think I will do that before I leave town tomorrow . This afternoon I got some chores done around the house . I got to see Ms Judy and Ms Denise . They were on a short vacation down to Disney earlier in the week and they brought me back a pin that is the Micky head and ears , with the head a peace sign . I love it ! ! ! Then I went out to the old airstream . I have two airstreams . One that went through Hurricane Charlie . It looks pretty bad , but airstreams are pretty darn amazing . It had trees piled up on it so that you could not see it , but it did not leak . Then I packed it with belongings and had it put up on a low boy and brought up here . Unfortunately when they were driving it off the low boy , the wooden ramps gave way , jack knifing the truck to the trailer and damaged the trailer pretty good then . But it is still fine for storage and has a lot of things that I have not gone through since I moved here . That is one of the things on my to do list after I retire . I still plan on using it for storage , but I would like to go through it and through out or donate a lot of the stuff in it , and then repack it in a better order . That way I can clear out boxes in the barn so that eventually the barn can be used as a shop . I quickly went through boxes and pulled bags and sleeves of photographs . I brought them into the house and went through them coming up with about 2 dozen photos to take down to the Memorial Service . More then enough , and Colleen and Linda and I will go through them and pick out the best . It was fun looking through all the pictures we took on all 3 trips to Alaska . And there were photos from our trip out west to Seattle and we ended up in Canada and went to Buchardt Gardens . Even the photos are amazing with how many flowers there were . I swear they have more flowers in that garden then anywhere else in the world . There were pictures in the redwood forest , the petrified forest , Nova Scotia , New Foundland and Prince Edward Island . Photos from Route 66 , Honduras , Key West , the Bahamas . Larry and I drove in and through 49 states , somehow missing Vermont and Hawaii . And there are photos of mountains and valleys , waterfalls , rivers and lakes , flowers , trees , ferns , signs naming famous places and camping in quiet secluded forests . We did travel . And now I have some of the best pictures of Larry from that life to take to the MeWell , now to make a birthday present . This coming weekend is also a sweet lovely young woman who I love so dearly , and I can 't say who she is or what I am making , but I need to get back to it . I hope she likes it . And it is getting hot . Oh , yes , it is getting hot . And it is summer , so it is supposed to be hot . I need to water more , and I need to move some of my plants into the shade house so that they will get watered everyday even if I am not here until I can get them moved permanently into their new homes . It was a good day . A day of accomplishments and rest . I got things done I needed to do , and that has taken a little stress off of me . And I look forward to retiring and taking up more of these things that feel like they have made their home on my to do list . It is spring , even though it feels like summer , and for many of us it stirs our DNA and says , " Spring cleaning " I see that Ms Moon over at Bless Our Hearts that she too feels the pull to clean out and make room . Does this go back to our roots as humans when we would move each summer season with the food . Packing up our belongings and following the herds , moving through the areas where fruits , berries and edible roots and veggies were gathered , eaten and preserved for the winter months . I don 't know , but it is spring and I too feel that pull to let go of things . Of course I have additional reasons to go through things now . I don 't want to leave too much for my brothers to have to deal with . I am not foolish enough to think that I will not be leaving them with some things to deal with , but I would like to keep that to a minimum . And we have a wonderful thrift store for the humane society here and I will donate the best of that which I want to get rid of there . Mostly I want to go through my books . I have two addictions , books and plants . And some of my books I can give to the library for their book sale , but there are others , old friends that I miss . I want to visit again . When we lived on Pine Island I had book shelves everywhere . Running completely around the entire house about a foot and a half below the ceiling were book shelves . The bottom of the shelves resting on top of the windows and door frames . I can 't do that here , and I don 't have enough shelves to house all of my books , but I do have room for those old friends that I can not part with . The others , hopefully will raise a little money for the library and give people an opportunity to own a book they love . So back to work , it has been a good day . My hair , seemed to fit a little better . The shock of tA good day . It was 43 degrees this morning in Tallahassee . 43 ! May 18th , Florida . That is just not right . Don 't get me wrong , there are a lot of people in town who are loving this . I am not one of them . As a rule , I do not complain about the heat . I like it hot . I like it humid . I am an Entomologist and many insects like the weather just like I do , so that works in my favor . And having lived in Florida my entire life , enjoying the heat and humidity has always been a plus . 43 is below 50 . I feel the right to whine when it gets below 50 . I actually considered one time , quite seriously of moving to Wyoming . What was I thinking ? ! ? ? ? ! ! ! ! Fortunately that did not work out , and instead I ended up moving to Key West for a couple of years because it was the warmest place on the map the day I had to choose my first teaching job . I even thought about living one full year in Alaska to experience the whole light / dark thing and the temperatures and how do people live for half the year when it is colder then I can imagine . But then I realized what a dumb idea that was . Most of my friends from Alaska do not live there in the winter . They head to Hawaii or down in the lower 49s . I mean really who was I kidding ? This is as far north as I have ever lived , and I have to tell you that there are days when I simply do not leave the house . And we are talking Florida here folks . So 43 was cold for me . Very cold . But it has warmed up and actually turned into a perfectly beautiful day . And it is supposed to be gorgeous for the next week . In other words it is going to get hot again . And yes , I do start to look toward that first cool down in the fall after a long hot summer , but with mixed emotions . The coolness changes the light and the green of the plants and the gardens come alive again after the heat and stress of summer , but it also signals that winter is on its way . Cold is on its way . I like to take a vacation in the fall up north . It sort of reminds me of what is coming and helps me prepare for the cold . It is also a way to extend the summer . By putting off my " summer " vacation it is like it extends the summer a little longer . And then to head to St . George Island , to the beach after the summer crowd leaves is one of the loveliest simple pleasures of living in the " north " . It has been a long week . It feels like it is flying by , and yet it is only Wednesday . Ms Moon and I were talking only yesterday about how fast time was moving and then laughed at ourselves when we realized it felt like Friday , but was only Tuesday . It is just a weird week . Weird temperatures , weird time , just weird . Last night I was invited to a full moon meditation at my friends Janak and Geeta 's house . This is the second one I have been able to attend . Last month was lovely , although schedules meant that we were not able to meet on the full moon . And there were just four of us last month . It was a nice time , being quiet with friends and then sharing a meal , eating and laughing together . This month there were 10 of us . That includes Janak mother , whom everyone calls Bah . I love Bah . We don 't speak the same language , but she is just so special to me . Bah is found of me also . I think that is because she knows how fond I am of her , and her cooking . She can make a dish I call stuffed vegetables like nobodies business . It is my favorite and Bah has made it for my birthday on several occasions . I had not met half of the people attending until last eveniSo my hair has been growing out . And I had never thought about it before , but hair does not grow the same all over your head . One side of my hair was much longer then the other . The top was longer then the sides , the back curlier and completely different color and length then any of my other hair . The top is wavy and whiter , or was . I had no idea what I wanted . I just knew that it looked like someone who had lost their hair and it was growing back . But unfortunately I do not speak hair dresser and I make it so hard on anyone wanting to cut my hair because I don 't know what to say or how to ask for it to be cut . They say , " bring a picture " . Well , I don 't know what my hair is doing to know what picture to take . The top right along my hair line had lovely waves , almost curls . The top grows left then right and in every direction but the same . So I went to the person who has consistently cut my hair the best . She did her best this time , but honestly , a lot had to come off just to take off the dryness from the meds and to get it all close to the same length . But it is short . Well , the front is short . She left a lot more length on the back . And with all haircuts it will take me about a week to get used to it . That is probably why most of my life I just let my hair grow . For most of my life my hair was to my waist or longer . Now it is about an inch long in the front , maybe almost twice that in the back . And it is cute . But all of the wave and almost curl on the top and side is gone . It is a good cut and I know it will grow in well . I had hoped to just shape it up a bit and keep the waves and curls , but they will grow back . I just wanted my hair to look nice for this weekend when I see my dad . This will be the first time he will have seen me since my hair grew back . It is almost as short as he might have seen it before . But it will grow out . And she gave my hair a good cut and maybe we both have a better idea of what I want . I really don 't know what I want . I want it to be what I consider short , which is not as short as Then I came home and took pictures of the hydrangeas . This garden is a triangle shaped garden with hydrangeas , crinium lilies , hostas and native gladiolas . I have maybe 8 hydrangeas in the garden . One is white . Beautiful clean , bright blanco . Then there is an oakleaf hydrangea that the flowers open white and fade to beige and then pink . Big spikes of flowers . There is one lace cap that is blueish . And one " red " one . The rest are those that change color depending on the PH . I swear there is every shade of blue , pink and purple . Well , here are some photos so you can see . Standing in front of the garden and seeing all the different colors . It is breathtaking . I need to cut the plants back severely this year . I hope to do some air layering and maybe try some cuttings . If I am going to cut itback , I might as well propagate them . Tomorrow I have so many things to do . I need to get birthday presents , finish going throughphotos , pack and get the house ready for a few days gone . It is finally here . Larry 's memorial service . So many of my friends are so worried about me . I think , " I have cancer . " I have handled that pretty darn well , and I am stronger then they realize . I hope they give me the space to be strong . I appreciate having hands and loving arms waiting to catch me , but give me the chance to see if I can stand or if I will fall . I know it will be hard . It will be hard for all of us . OK , he was my husband and yes , we had a connection that no one else had . But most people there will have known Larry for 20 or 30 or 60 years . This will be hard for all of us . To let this person who was so full of life go . To free his ashes to the wind and water . To give him back to the environment he was so a part of . To send his ashes off from the land his grandfather pulled off the bottom of the bayou and made into a marina , now a park . A life , a future , a way of living off the land and the water . I hope Larry has found the peace that evaded him the last part of his life . I hope that it gives us left behind the peace we need to let him go , and to move past the turmoil and upheaval he brought into our lives these last few years . He gave us laughter and joy during his life , and hopefully we can get that back . hopegratefulness for our lives and choicesgratefulness for closurehopehope for that peace Let me be the first to give Colin 's line : " That is all ? Why don 't we take it on the road ? " Colin would say that every show . And we did one time . We took Later Life to Milton , Florida . Yee - haw ! To the biggest stage and theater you could imagine . And this at the local high school . Milton is much larger then Jefferson county . There are about twice as many people that live in Milton as in all of Jefferson County . I like Jefferson County just fine the way it is , thank you very much . But back to Colin , " We 've put in all this work and did all these rehearsals , six shows is just not enough . " He is right it is a lot of work for 6 performances . But our fun is done . We earned good money for the Opera House and today we will break the set . I miss Colin . Last night 's show was the best of shows and the worst of shows . Best of shows because the entire cast worked together to make everything work and be fun and give every bit the audiences monies worth . The first challenge came early on in the first act . I had just done my part of the lights and had needed to pee , but the last 20 minutes or so before the show opens is quite hectic . We are working the door checking reservations , taking people to the tables , making sure everyone is OK . Coordinating with the serving volunteers and the kitchen staff . Making sure the actors have everything they need . Getting their food and drink set . Are all the props working and in in place ? Costumes set , makeup on , lights working , sound effects check , piano player taken care of . Audience ramped up . All done , and then the lights go down and the stage lights go up . So here I am free for the next 10 minutes and all I needed was just a couple to myself . I was barely inside the ladies room when I heard a noise I had never heard before . I stood still and thought to myself , " That did not sound right " . As I washed my hands to get back out there , I heard applause . I had never heard applause at this point before . That did not sound right . I stepped out of the bathroom and saw Judy running behind the Opera House . I thought I have never seen her do that before , that did not look right . I found out , that George , our Thuggee had spun off the stage as he swung his saber over his head . He made it look very athletic as he tumbled and rolled off the stage onto the floor . He has been having a fit with his hip anyway , this did not help . But he walked off the stage in character and continued the play . And today he was there in the thick of things breaking the set . I love our Thugbert , mathematician , author , zen leader , haver of anything you can not find anywhere , sweet , funny person . My " sister " Sioux came up to see the show and she started talking to Thugbert and math comes up as it so often does in conversations and so now I am mailing her one of his books because we all think it might help get her mind in the right place to soar through her last 3 classes to complete her AA . Three math classes . Sioux is an artist and an extremely talented woman , but she sometimes feel a little threatened by math . And who of us hasn 't ? Remember 3rd & 4th grade learning the multiplication tables ? Rote memory is how they taught us . And that left a bad taste in the mouth . But Thugbert 's book will help her to see math in a new light . A common sense , why it is done the way that it is . I mean really talking about math . It is very cool . And I know it will help her . Thanks Thugbert ! ! ! He is self published and the price of the book is so reasonable for the perception change it gives you about math . If anyone is interested in talking to this Author about his book , I will try and hook you up . If you have someone in your life struggling with math , this is a wonderful present to give yourself or your loved one . And that is an unpaid commercial . Let me know and I will find out from George if I can post his email address , or how he would like to get in touch with people . But once again , I digress . . . . . . . Back to the play . . . . . . . . between acts 1 and 2 Mystic got sick . And in between each act sicker and sicker . It looked and sounded like food poisoning . And she was as sick as anyone I have ever seen with food poisoning , The cast got together and went over the dialogue and reworded it so the Mystic did not have to say anything at all . If she could just sit there then they could get work out the dialogue . They also left her the opportunity if she felt well enough to give her dialogue . I can 't tell you how proud I am of them . They are an amazing team . I have worked with a lot of casts and we have been close . But I never used the term " team " before this cast . But that is how they worked . And it was genius . The Mystic insisted with " On with the show " and made every entrance on time . She looked sicker and sicker on stage . She lost one of her contacts that turn her deep brown eyes into blind eyes . That made her look even more " mystic " and crazy . She could not focus . She could barely hold her head up and when she was not on stage she was being sick . I wanted to say , " give me your wig and your robe . I can go in your place and the cast will do the lines . " But I saw the look on her face . She felt like she was letting the cast down . And there was no way I could possibly convince her otherwise , especially if I tried to wrestle her part away from her for her own good . The idea of doing her part was frightening , but a necessary back up plan . I kept it to myself . I stood by and watched her again and again wipe the sweat from her face and shakily walk back to the stage , her dialogue weaving back and forth between her and the rest of the cast . Each supporting the other . Each watching the mystic with such respect at her will to do her part . She did not let anyone down . She gave the cast the most amazing gift . To deal with a challenge together , and to share the burden of the challenge together and to make the Directors proud . To give the audience the show they paid to see . Because they never thought twice that there was another option tThen at the after party Jack and Jan presented Judy and I each with one of the plants from Colin 's Memorial Service . We had picked this play partly because we wanted Colin in it . But that was not to be . But it meant so much to Judy and I to each get our own little piece of Colin . So special . Colin I miss you . Everyone loved the show . The Caterer made sure that the entire cast had dinner after the show , and Sioux was there and got to be with my friends and see what I do . She made friends of her own , and I think this was her first murder mystery and she loved it and had a wonderful time . Sioux and I stayed up way too late , and then had to get up way too early this morning . Sioux had to get on the road for the 6 hour drive . She has home work that must be done tonight . I had a day planned of rest and activity . I sat at the Camilla Garden Circle table from 12 - 2 with Georgie . We sold atlas garden gloves to raise money to send kids to the 4H club . We sold one pair , but we bought some ourselves . They will make wonderful Christmas gifts , if I can hold on to them that long . A double gift , a child goes to camp and my friends get wonderful garden gloves . The world is such a magical place . The Mayhaw festival at Golden Acres Farm was where the booth was . There were other vendors and everyone was so nice and happy and the weather was perfect rain scrubbed and cooled , the light clear and sharper without all the dust and smoke in the air . Families with children raced by with the little ones crowing and pointing at the chickens . Goats waundered through the crowd . Hay rides drove wagons full of people out and around all the different varieties of goat and sheep . Bob Cooper and I discussed Lulu and Bunny . Two baby girl goats they have for sale . I think Nigerean dwarf goats might be part of who they are . I told him I could not consider getting any pets until after I return from Europe with Dad . He said he would hold them . I said , " No , look for a home for them , and when I get back we will see if they are available or if they have gone to their new homes . I would like them for goat milk soap . Bob and Melanie have this 7 page contract you sign when you buy their goats . No eating . No eating of their offspring of any generation . They are to be kept in certain secure situations , other pets must be reviewed , etc . I like that . I like that they love their goats so much they want to make sure that they will be taken care of appropriately . I am not sure if I want to take on goats . I have had them before . They are no more trouble then a dog . But that would be like getting 2 new dogs . hmmmmm . I will think about it . I would love goats in my pasture . And I love goat manure for my gardens . After the Mayhaw festival the toy flew me to the Opera House where we broke the set . There was a nice turn out of volunteers from the cast and crew to break things down , and it went quickly . About 2 hours and most everything had been moved back into its place , and now we just need the 2 guys who move the stage for us come carry the stage outside and Virginia Jones and the Curse of Nergal will be another happy memory . And I am home and will make a few phone calls to catch up and then hopefully get to bed early to read and then to sleep And I am grateful for the play with its amazing cast and crew . And for the audience , so many familiar faces coming to all the plays and events at our Opera House . And for this glorious cool , over cast spring day . The light almost shaded blue like looking through pale sunglasses . Happy to have seen Sioux , grateful that Ms Moon is home . Grateful that Marcy and Fred will soon be home . |
This is the story of Buddy , a shelter dog who was deemed " aggressive and vicious " and " unadoptable " by the powers - that - be at the Devore Animal Shelter , and the battle that ensued to save his life . Just because a vet deems a dog " aggressive and vicious " doesn 't mean he 's " unadoptable " . It just means he 's unbalanced and needs someone to get him re - balanced . This is our story of doing just that with Buddy . Enjoy ! Today , Claudia and I were going to meet with Jenifer to do a 3 - hour consultation at Claudia 's house . I arrived at Claudia 's at 3 : 45 , and as I pulled up , my cell phone rang . I answered it and it was Jenifer . She told me she had been busy all day " breaking Noah from jumping the fence " . She said he started jumping the fence the day before , so she had stayed home all day and worked with him , trying to break him of it . I asked her if this meant she wasn 't coming out to meet with us , and she replied , " Yeah , I want you and Claudia to come here instead . " I met Claudia at her front door and told her that Jenifer had called and said she wanted us to go to her house instead . . Her response was , " Here , I cleaned all day because I was expecting her . " I said , " Yeah , I know . I would have done the same thing . " I explained to her what Jenifer had said about Noah jumping the fence and that she had stayed home all day , trying to break him of it . We were both concerned that he was now jumping fences as this posed a serious problem . We then got ready and headed to Jenifer 's house . We got to Jenifer 's and she walked us to the back patio . Noah was in his kennel , and we , of course , didn 't pay him any attention right away ( as Jenifer had previously instructed us not to ) . She explained that she had been hiding in different places in the yard during the day and waiting for Noah to jump the fence . Each time he tried to jump , she would stand up and avert his attention to make him stop . She did say that this is a serious problem as once a dog starts jumping fences , it 's hard to make them stop , especially a dog with Noah 's background . I asked her if he could actually be stopped from jumping for sure , and she said maybe , maybe not . It was hard to say . Jenifer then took us in the house and showed us some video footage of her working with Noah . She brought up a clip on her computer and it showed her actually putting a choke chain on Noah . During her first two attempts , when she tried to put the choke chain over Noah 's head , he immediately turned his head away so she couldn 't , but by the third attempt , she was able to just slide the chain over his head . The footage then showed her leading him out of his kennel . However , it was obvious that Noah had never been on a leash before as he simply walked a step or two and stood there , looking around like he didn 't know what to do . Jenifer had to coax and encourage him to move forward . Noah would take a few steps and then stop . He then would just stand in one spot and look around . Each time , Jenifer gently coaxed him forward and she gradually got him out to her grassy training area . I was so encouraged by the footage I was seeing as he had come so far in a short amount of time . It literally brought tears to my eyes to see his progress . It also reinforced that fact that this dog wasn 't " vicious and aggressive " as the Shelter vet had determined him to be . After we watched the footage , Jenifer asked us if we wanted to work with Noah and take him out to the training area . We said , " Of course . " We went out to the back patio and Jenifer put the leash on Noah and slowly lead him out to the training area . She still had to coax him somewhat but he was definitely getting the " gist " of it . She got him out to the training area and both Claudia and I took turns walking him around . It took continuous coaxing to get him to walk , but you could see he was improving steadily . In addition , we actually got tail wags and kisses from him , which was shocking as that was a first ! He was definitely coming out of his shell , and it was a joy to see . He was like a different dog , and it was hard to believe he was the same dog we had seen at the Shelter . In fact , he was turning into quite a beauty as he has this jet - black coat that jSaving # 88 I arrived at Jenifer 's house at 7 : 30 and she met me at the gate . We walked back to the kennel where Cesar was . He was standing inside his kennel , looking at us . I asked Jenifer if she had given him the sedatives , and she said , " Yep ! All six at once just like the doctor ordered . " I said , " Wow . He 's really going to be wiped out this time . " Jenifer said , " Well , I gave them to him a good hour ago , so go ahead and get him into his kennel and I 'll go finish getting ready . " I looked at Cesar and you could see he was somewhat groggy . I went inside his kennel and walked over to his crate . I had to put the door back on it , so I did that first . Then , I gently lead Cesar towards his crate and guided him inside it . He slowly walked right in with very little hesitation . I then shut the door behind him . Good boy , Cesar ! I 'm glad to see you 're so agreeable this time . After a few minutes , Jenifer came out and saw that Cesar was inside his kennel and ready to go . She said , " All right ! Good job . You ready to go ? " I said , " Ready when you are . " Together we gently lifted Cesar 's crate and took it out to the car . She opened the back door of her car and we placed his crate inside . Cesar was just lying down in his crate , looking at us , with those little brown points above his eyes moving back and forth . We got to the vet 's office and checked in at the front counter . While we waited in the lobby , Jenifer and I started talking about Cesar , and I told her I had come up with a list of names . I pulled my list out and the first name I told her was Moses . She said , " Moses …… . . hhhmmm … " I then said , " Jonah . " She said , " Jonah . I like that . That 's the guy who got swallowed by the whale , right ? " I then said , " Yep , that 's him . How about Noah . " Jenifer said , " Noah . Now I really like that . Noah . " I said , " You like that ? I like that one too . Which do you like better , Jonah or Noah ? " She said , " Noah . I really like the name Noah . That 's different . I like it . " I said , " Yeah , me too . You don 't ever hear of any dogs named Noah , and Noah went through a lot of struggles in life , just like this dog . You know , it took him 120 years to build the ark and the whole time , nobody believed him when he told them why he was building it . " She looked at me and said , " Noah . I really like that name for him . " I told her , " Well , Noah it is then . " I rattled off a couple other names like Zachariah and Nehemiah , but she immediately said , " Too long . " I said , " Yeah , I tAt this time , we were led to a room where Dr . Saldanha came in and met with us . He sat down and looked at me and said , " I have to say . Your dog looks really good . " I said , " Doesn 't he ? He looks great , huh ? " He said , " Yes , he looks really good . " You could tell - - he was shocked to see Noah looking so well ! We then talked about his course of treatment for Noah , and Dr . Saldanha said he 'd be removing the stitches that weren 't going to dissolve , giving Noah his next series of shots , and then they 'd bathe him . He said we could pick him up later that afternoon . We got back to Jenifer 's house and agreed that I 'd come back later that afternoon , around 4 : 00 , and then we 'd go back to the vet 's office and pick up Noah . I told her I 'd go back to work for a few hours and would be back at 4 : 00 . I arrived back at Jenifer 's house at 4 : 00 . We drove to the vet 's office and checked in at the front counter . We waited approximately twenty minutes and then we were called to the front counter so I could sign paperwork . A short time later , we were told to pull up by the back door so we could load Noah 's crate into Jenifer 's car . We loaded his crate into the car and then headed back to Jenifer 's . We unloaded Noah 's crate and placed it in his kennel . He was clearly wiped out again and just stayed lying down in his crate . We opened the door so he could come out when he was ready . At one point , Jenifer called out , " Noah , come here boy . Come here . " I said , " Jenifer , don 't do that . He can 't even stand . " However , it was too late . Noah heard her calling him and attempted to stand up and walk out of his crate . He got to the door of his crate and ended up lying down with his head hanging outside of his crate and his body inside . At this time , Jenifer got the hose and started spraying out Noah 's kennel as she hadn 't had a chance to spray it out earlier . She turned her back for a moment to go turn the water off , and her dog Luscious suddenly ran into the kennel where Noah was laying . I immediately turned to Jenifer and said , " Have they met before ? " She said , " Nope . " We sat there and watched Luscious and Noah . Jenifer had her camera and was taking photos . Luscious just ran around , sniffing the whole kennel area , and Noah just lay there , watching him . At one point , Luscious got a little too close for Noah 's comfort . He bent down to sniff near Noah 's face , and Noah immediately turned and bared his teeth at Luscious . I said to Jenifer , " Did you see that ? " She said , " See what ? " I said , " Noah just bared his teeth at Luscious . " She said , " He did not ! " I said , " He most certainly did ! You had the camera up to your face so you must have missed it . " Jenifer then scrolled through the pictures she had on her camera and she found one where Luscious was rearing back and had this funny , shocked look on his face . She said , " Oh , yeah , I guess you 're right . Look at Luscious in this picture . " I said , " Yeah , that must have been it . He turned and bared his teeth right at him . I guess Luscious got too close for his comfort . " At one point , Jenifer picked up a red ball and started throwing it in the kennel for Luscious . She even threw it in the pool , and he went after it and got itThe whole time , Noah just laid there . He was too wiped out to do anything else . All the commotion didn 't even seem to phase him . A short time later , Jenifer 's dad , Alan , showed up . He immediately asked how Noah was doing and we told him he was resting as he was still sedated . He walked into his kennel and leaned down and petted Noah 's head . Jenifer told him , " We changed his name to Noah . " Her dad said , " Noah . I like that ! " Well , it seems that after three tries , we finally found a name that fit . Noah it is , and Noah it will stay . I called Jenifer after I got home from work because she had called earlier this week and said we were to take Cesar back to the vet on Thursday , and I needed to know what time . She answered her phone and we started discussing our course of action to take Cesar back to the vet . Remember , I had been nervous about this as Jenifer had said we were going to have to put him in the car again because " he has to learn to ride in the car " . So I asked her , " How are we going to get him to the vet ? " Jenifer replied , " Well , I 've decided we 'll just put him in his crate and take him that way . " ( What 's this " I 've decided ? " That was my original idea ! ) I was so relieved to hear her say that and agreed that would be the best way to transport him . I then asked Jenifer if we were going to sedate him , and she indicated she had already talked to Dr . Saldanha and he had told her to give Cesar six of the Ace tablets . I said , " Six ! That 's more than last time . Why six ? " She replied that that 's what the doctor ordered . I said , " He must really want him to be knocked out by the time he gets him then . Man , six … . . " Jenifer replied , " He 'll be alright . I 'll sedate him before you get here . While we were talking , Jenifer told me , " You know , he doesn 't like the name Cesar . " I said , " He doesn 't ? How do you know ? He tell you that ? " Jenifer said , " No , but he doesn 't respond to it . I 've run down a list of all the names I can think of , and that 's not one he responds to . " I said , " Well , of course not . That 's probably not his name from before . We 'll never be able to figure out his name . " And she said , " Well , how about the name Oliver ? He responds to that . " I said , " Oliver ? " Jenifer replied , " Yeah . He likes the name Oliver and we can call him Ollie for short . " I said , " No way . I am not naming my dog Oliver ! No way . " She said , " I like the name Oliver . " I replied that I didn 't . I then said , " Okay , I 'll admit Cesar doesn 't really fit him , but I don 't like the name Oliver . Let me think of something else . " Jenifer said , " Hey , aren 't you kind of spiritual ? " I said , " Yeah . " She said , " Then come up with a spiritual name or something like that . " I said , " Let me pull out my Bible and I 'll get some names from there . " We then agreed to meet at her house at 7 : 30 in the morning . Jenifer said she 'd be getting up around 6 : 00 and she would give Cesar the sedatives then . I told her I 'd see her in the morning and we hung up the phone . I then pulled out my Bible and went to the Concordence in the back of it . I started writing down all the male names I came across , and there were quite a few of them . Some of the names were too long or too many syllables , so I didn 't select them , but by the time I got done , I had a list of at least ten names . We should be able to find one that fit , I would think . I looked at the list , and the two names that jumped out at me were Jonah and Noah . I 'd take the list with me and see if any of the names appealed to Jenifer . As you can see , the vet bill alone for Buddy / Cesar is quite expensive . These expenses were totally unexpected , and when Claudia and I took on the " rescuing " of this dog , we had no idea this endeavor was going to put one of us in a large amount of debt . . I thank God that Claudia is willing to take on this debt and that she simply sees it as being " for a good cause " . God bless her for being so selfless in her willingness to rescue this dog . In light of that , if anybody knows of an organization or foundation that might be able to help Claudia with these expenses , please let me know by emailing me at iblori63 @ gmail . com . In addition , if any of you can find it in your budget and heart to donate for this cause , please email her at clancylab @ msn . com . I know this is a really bad time with our economy and all , and most of us are struggling to just make ends meet , but even a donation as small as $ 5 or $ 10 would help at this time . Claudia did have to put the expenses on a credit card ; therefore , she 's paying interest so any amount could help . I thank you for taking the time to read my blog and for your care and concern about this amazing dog . Please feel free to share this blog with your friends , family , and any other animal lovers you have in your life . This is a story we 'd like to share around the world as it proves that a dog deemed " aggressive and vicious " by what I deem an " incompetent vet " ( a vet who is obviously scared of dogs ) isn 't just a " throw - away " dog that should have just been " put down " . There were reasons this dog was initially aggressive , and if you 've read this blog up to this point , you know what I 'm talking about . This dog has come a very long way . . Seeing him now that he 's healed and how calm and submissive he is - - it 's hard to believe he 's the same dog . Now , he 's beautiful , happy , prances around the yard with Luscious , and wags his tail . He probably thinks he died and went to heaven . In his world , he has ! I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 8 : 10 . I checked in at the front desk and told them I was there to pick up some " Ace " , that Jenifer had called Dr . Saldanha earlier and spoke to him about it . I anxiously waited forty minutes , at which time , a gal named Emma came out to talk to me . She held up a bottle of pills and said , " Now , I 've given you five pills in here . Start off with one and wait a half hour . If that doesn 't seem to be making him drowsy , then you can give him another one and then wait a half hour . If he still doesn 't look drowsy after a half hour , then you can give him a half of another one . " I said , " Okay . Thank you so much . We 'll bring Buddy back as soon as we can get him here . " I got to Jenifer 's house at 9 : 15 . I parked right outside her gate and left my keys in the ignition in case I needed to make a quick get - away ( I was planning ahead ! ) . She met me and we walked to the back patio where Buddy was laying in his kennel . I had brought a tube of liverwurst with me ( Buddy 's favorite ) , and I pushed one pill into a ball of it . I walked into Buddy 's kennel and held out the liverwurst to him , and he promptly ate it . Good dog ! No spitting out the pill . That 's the way I like it . I had also brought a jar of Fly - Off with me . This is a cream that you can apply to a dog 's coat to keep the flies off of him . Claudia and I picked it up the night before as we noticed that while Buddy was in the Shelter , the flies were eating him alive . This was due to the fact that he needed a bath desperately . We also noticed the night before that they had been hovering around him at Jenifer 's due to his bloody mouth . Jenifer told me , " While we 're waiting , why don 't you go ahead and put some of that Fly - Off on him . " At this time , I took some of the Fly - Off and rubbed it between my hands and then rubbed it on Buddy 's shoulders and body area . It was rather greasy and oily and made him look dirtier than he was , but we had to try to do something about the flies as they were driving him crazy . Jenifer and I sat back and talked while we waited for thirty minutes to go by . While we were talking , I told Jenifer , " I have to be honest with you . Claudia is not going to be taking this dog . I am . " Jenifer gave me a look of concern and said , " Wait a minute . That 's not what Claudia told Sean at the Foundation . " I then explained that Claudia had never planned on taking Buddy , that we had originally planned to just get him off the street and find him a good home as Claudia knew some people in the high desert that were looking for a large dog . However , I told her that since we went through hell to save this dog , I wasn 't about to let him go to some stranger , that I would be taking him instead . Jenifer then replied , " Well , that 's good because you have the stronger personality anyway . I think you 're a better fit for him than Claudia . " Jenifer then asked me if Claudia realized that she 's possibly looking at having to spend several thousand dollars to rehab and get Buddy the medical care he needs . . I told her that Claudia realized it was going to cost quite a bit to rehab and treat him , that we had discussed it the night before and her response to me was , " It 's for a good cause . I just paid off my car and my credit card , so the timing is good . " She then confirmed that Claudia was willing to pay for Buddy 's rehab even though she wouldn 't be keeping him , and I said she was . Jenifer said , " Wow , what a friend ! That 's amazing . Lori , this is an incredible opportunity for you . You have someone willing to provide the financial backing for you . This will be an incredible training program that you 'll get to go through . Can you imagine , you 're going to be training with the same techniques Cesar uses . I will teach you them . How do you feel about that ? " I told her I was ecstatic to have such an opportunity - - I was thrillled ! Jenifer then said she would train both Claudia and I in the techniques Cesar uses and there 'd be no extra charge for training both of us . We could attend all the training sessions together . I thought it was a grWe then sat back and continued to watch Buddy , and we both noticed , this guy wasn 't even close to being drowsy . I looked at Jenifer and she looked at me , and I said , " How about another one ? " She said , " Sounds good to me . " So I took another ball of liverwurst and shoved a pill into the middle of it and handed it to him . Down the hatch it went , no problem ! Good boy , Buddy ! You take pills so well . We then sat back and waited another thirty minutes . At one point , we noticed Buddy 's eyes were looking kind of strange , like he might just be starting to get drowsy . At this time , Jenifer handed me a choke chain and said , " Here Lori . Try putting this on him . " I sat down next to Buddy and petted him for a few seconds . I then slowly started to put the choke chain over his head . That brought immediate , swift action on his part and he whipped his head around towards me and clicked his teeth together . I looked at Jenifer and said , " Nope ! He 's not ready for that . " At this time , I had been there an hour . We had given Buddy two pills , and he didn 't appear to be getting too drowsy . I asked Jenifer , " So , should we give him a half like they said or a whole ? " She said , " Ah , let 's just give him a whole one . " So I shoved another pill in a ball of liverwurst , and he again ate it with no problem . I wish my dogs at home took pills as well as this guy ! And then we waited . . . . . . . . some more . After about twenty minutes or so , Jenifer told me to try to put the choke chain on Buddy again . At this time , I was standing over him as he was now standing also . As I reached down and started to move the choke chain near his face , he suddenly jumped up , towards my face , and I could clearly hear him click his teeth at me , twice . He had just jumped up to my face level , where I had to lunge backwards , and looked me right in the eye ! I 'm 5 ' 7 " tall , so this guy can jump when he wants to ! I was quite shocked and surprised of course , and I looked to Jenifer for some kind of reassurance or something . She simply looked at me , kind of chuckled , and said , " Oh , that ain 't nothing . You should have seen what he did to me yesterday ! If he really wanted to get you , he would have lunged at you . " Oh , so that was just a warning , huh ? Exactly , she said . And then she said , " Gosh , I wish we had that on camera ! " Yeah …… . me too ! I then went and sat by Jenifer and said , " Okay , now what ? Do we go for four or what ? Can you give a dog more than three and they 're okay ? " I then told her what Emma had told me and how she had stopped at two - and - a - half with her instructions . Jenifer said , " I don 't know . Let 's call the vet and find out . " So she picked up her cell phone and called the vet 's office . I heard her say , " Hi , this is Jenifer . We 've given Buddy three Ace and he 's still not drowsy and is quite coherent . Can we give him all five if we need to ? " After several more seconds , she got off the phone and turned to me and said , " Yep , we can give him all five if we need to . " Really ? She said , " Yep , let 's do it . " So , I shoved another Ace pill into a ball of liverwurst and held it out to him . Again , he took it ever so gently and swallowed it . Even though he 's getting drowsy , he 's still able to eat and is gentle while doing so . That 's good . . . . . . . because we 've got one more pill left . . . . . . . . . if needed . . . . . . . . We again waited and watched Buddy . He was getting drowsy , very drowsy . However , as he laid there and tried to fall asleep , every time he laid his head down on his paws as if he was going to go to sleep , a fly would land on him and he 'd wake himself up , snapping at it . We watched this happen over and over again , and I told Jenifer , " He 's never going to get to sleep . The flys won 't leave him alone . Poor guy . " She agreed . So much for the Fly - Off huh ! ( And that stuff wasn 't cheap ! ) At this time , we could see Buddy was nowhere close to falling asleep , and we were running out of time . When Jenifer had called about the Ace , she was told we had to have Buddy to the vet by noon because they closed from noon to 2 : 00 p . m . for lunch . It was now 11 : 10 . At this time , Jenifer said , " Let 's go ahead and give him one more . We don 't have much time . " So I shoved another pill into some liverwurst and down the hatch it went . We waited about twenty minutes and it was obvious that the Ace was now taking affect . Buddy was staggering and having trouble standing . I again triedSo , Jenifer walked into the kennel and headed towards Buddy , holding the tennis racket in one hand and the choke chain in the other . She also had attached another leash onto the leash that was on the choke chain as she said we 'd need the extra length to get Buddy into the car . As she moved towards him , he moved to his left and started to walk into the swimming pool that was in his kennel . He seemed to have second thoughts about that as he dunked one foot in the water and then immediatley backed up , against the side of the kennel . Jenifer stood to the side of him and held the tennis racket near his face , which he of course then latched onto . As he was biting on the tennis racket , she took the choke chain and held it near his face . He let go of the tennis racket and immediately pushed his face up against the fence of the kennel , as if to say , " As long as I leave my face pressed up against this fence , you can 't get that chain on me ! " He 's right - - she couldn 't ! He kept his face there for quite some time until Jenifer took her trusty tennis racket and lightly tapped the side of his face with it . She only wanted him to move his head ever so slightly so she could slip the chain over it , and move it he did ! He turned to bite at the racket and over went the choke chain ! Yes ! Choke chain 's on . Now to get him out of the kennel and to the car . Jenifer immediately pulled / led Buddy out of the kennel and towards my car . He , of course , resisted , but she just kept on steadily pulling him forward . We had less than 17 minutes for me to get this dog to the vet by noon , and it was at least a ten minute drive for me to get there . Seven minutes to work her magic and get him into the car . I immediately went to my car and opened both back doors . As Jenifer got near my car , Buddy really started resisting her efforts to lead him towards my car . At this time , she diverted Buddy 's attention away from the car and started walking ( yes , he was walking at this time , though she was having to pull him ) him around her yard to get him to move forward without so much resistance . She walked him in a U - shaped pattern and then headed back towards my car . As she did this , Buddy immediately started fighting and biting the leash chain ( remember - - he bit through a nylon leash so Jenifer had to use a chain leash ) . I said , " My gosh ! Look at him fight still ! " Jenifer said , " He thinks he 's fighting for his life . He 's not , but he thinks he is . " She then put the tennis racket towards his face and he latched onto that . The poor dog - - his teeth and gums were bleeding from biting the tennis racket and leash chain but there was nothing we could do . We had to get him into this car . If only he would realize we were trying to help him . At this time , Jenifer said , " Lori , you 're going to have to change his name . Buddy just doesn 't fit him . " I replied , " Yeah , when you hear the name ' Buddy ' , you think of a little Beagle with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging . Not this . " We both agreed . As she got near my car , Jenifer told me , " I 'm going to throw the leash into the back seat . You stand on the other side and grab it when I throw it in . " I said , " Okay . Gotcha . " She pulled Buddy towards the door and then got him close enough to throw the leash on the back seat . She threw the leash onto the seat and I then quickly grabbed it . However , at this time , Buddy still wasn 't ready to get into the car willingly . As soon as I grabbed the leash , he pulled backwards , pulling me across the seat of the car , towards the other side . I tried to pull him back into the car , at which time , he jumped up , twisted around , and bit the arm rest on the door ! Jenifer cried out , " Oh . . . . your beautiful car ! " I looked and there were two puncture marks in the arm rest , along with some drops of blood ( not much though ) . I just looked at her , with a " Whatcha gonna do ? " look . I held on to the leash , and then Buddy all of a sudden got the bright idea to crawl under the car . At this time , Jenifer grabbed the leash from me and started to try to pull him back out . I immediately climbed out of the car and went to her side and assisted her in pulling him out from under the car . He had " wedged " himself in so tight under my car , it took both of us pulling on his leash with all our strength to get him out . I felt bad as the choke chain was as tight as it could possibly be around his neck , I was afraid we were going to severely hurt him . I asked Jenifer " Are we hurting him ? " and she said , " No " . I couldn 't even think about it at the moment anyway as our immediate goal was to get him out of the car . With both of us pulling , we were finally able to get him out from under the car . Buddy immediately went and leaned up against the side of the left passenger door , and Jenifer kept him there using her tennis racket . He was looking up at Jenifer , growling and snarling . She gently nudged him with the tennis racket and said , " Dude , the only safe place is in the car . " By now , Buddy was panting heavily and was totally exhausted . Remember , he 's got 5 , yes 5 , Acepromaxine in him , when you shouldn 't have to give a dog more than two . He 's hurt , all over probably , and what we just had to put him through didn 't help any aches and pains he originally had . He 'd been living on the streets and then at the shelter and isn 't in the best of shape and is rather thin . Where the dog got the energy and stamina to put up such a fight is beyond either one of us . Jenifer even said , " I can 't believe the fight this dog has in him with five Ace in him . This is unreal . " As Buddy sat there panting , looking up at Jenifer , to our astonishment , he literally turned around and climbed into the car ! We were both shocked ! Jenifer said , " I don 't believe it ! He 's in the car . I wish we had this on camera . Now , hurry , go . I 'll open the gate and call the vet and let them know you 're on your way . I immediately jumped in my car and thanks to my planning for a quick get - away , I was able to start backing up and met Jenifer at the gate . She opened the gate to her driveway , and I backed out and headed to the vet 's office as fast as I safely could . While I was driving , I looked in the back and noticed Buddy was initially on the floorboard . A few minutes later , I saw that he was slowly climbing onto the back seat as he had half his body on the seat and the other half on the floorboard still . After another minute or so , he slowly pulled the rest of his body up onto the seat . The poor guy was so exhausted . He just laid there with his head resting on his paws , panting heavily . I hated that he had to go through all this , but we had to get him the medical care he needed and now as his jaw looked terrible . I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 12 : 03 and pulled up next to one of the entrance doors on the side . I ran into the office and said , " We 're here ! " The receptionist looked at me kind of strangely and said , " Who ? " I said , " Buddy . We got him in the car and he 's here . " She said , " Oh , okay . Hold on a minute . Where are you parked ? " I told her , " Right outside that side door . " She then went to the back for a moment and then came back and told me , " Go on out to your car . They 'll be right out to get him . " I walked out to my car and looked in the window at Buddy . He was still lying on the seat , resting . After a minute or so , Emma came out with two male assistants . She was holding a come - along and I told her , " Please , let 's not use that unless we absolutely have to . I think you can just get out him out using a leash right now as he 's quite sedated . " One of the male assistants then reached in and put a leash over Buddy 's head and pulled him out of the car . He didn 't exactly go willingly , but he didn 't put up a fight either . They lead him into the vet 's office , and I went and parked my car in the parking lot . I went back into the lobby and was told I 'd need to wait for the vet to meet with me . I waited for approximately thirty minutes and then was led into a room to wait for Dr . Saldanha . He came in and sat down . He was very attractive for a " bald " guy ( shaved head ) with huge brown eyes . He looked at me and said , " Your dog has a lot of issues , you know ? " I said , " Yeah , I know , but that 's why we hired Jenifer as our trainer . " He said , " Well , you got the best then , but don 't tell her I said that because I don 't want her head to swell . " He then proceeded to go over his findings with me . He said Buddy was about 5 - 7 years old , but he wasn 't sure because he had chewed on metal at some point in his life and wore his teeth down , so it was hard to say . He could actually be as young as three . Dr . Saldanha said Buddy had two fractured teeth , and they would be removing them . The jaw obviously looked bad , and they would operate and put stitches inside and outside . Some stitches would dissolve , but some would have to be removed . They would be checking him for parasites and any other diseases and would be doing a great deal of blood work . In addition , he would be neutered and have a bath . Then came the bad news . Dr . Saldanha pulled out a sheet of paper and turned it towards me . The price estimate was between $ 1 , 800 and $ 2 , 200 . He wanted to give me an idea of what we were facing as far as cost , and that 's what we were looking at . I told him that I 'd need to call my friend as she was the one picking up the cost for Buddy 's medical care . He then stepped out and I called Claudia and told her " the news " . She said to go ahead , that we needed to get the medical care done . At this point , we couldn 't exactly negotiate anyway , so what choice did we have . It 's not like we could shop around Not with this dog . Dr . Saldanha came back into the room a few minutes later , and I told him , " Okay , let 's do it . Whatever needs to be done , we 'll do . " He then told me that Buddy would be ready in a couple hours and he left the room . While I was waiting for someone to come back with all the paperwork I needed to sign , the two male assistants who had gotten Buddy out of my car earlier came into the room . The one told me , " We need you to go and get the biggest crate you can find . We want to be able to do what we need to do with this dog and then when he wakes up , have him in the crate already . We don 't want to fight with putting him back in the car or a crate . " I replied , " I don 't either ! " He then said , " You need to get the biggest crate you can get because he 's going to have an E - collar on when he wakes up , so we need the extra room for his collar . " I admit , I was quite overwhelmed at this point because I didn 't even know if a crate the size they were talking about would fit in my car , even if it was taken apart and in two pieces . I didn 't have a truck and couldn 't even try to borrow one because I only had a couple hours to get the crate they needed . I told them I would see what I could do about finding one , and they left the room . A short time later , a female assistant came in and had me sign all the necessary paperwork . She told me to call in a couple hours and see how Buddy was doing and plan on picking him up later that day . I agreed to do so and went out to my car . As I said , at this time , I was very overwhelmed . It seemed nothing was going right . First , we had to give Buddy all five Ace and put him through hell just to get him into the car . Now , I have to run out and find a crate big enough for him , and there was no way it was going to fit in my car . I called Jenifer and told her what I had been told about a crate . She reassured me that everything would be okay , that I just needed to come back to her house , and she would see if the size crate we needed would fit in her car . She had one in her spare bedroom for Solomon ( one of the dogs she trains ) so she 'd measure it . If it did , then we 'd go get one at Petco , down the street . She made it sound so easy , and I felt so much better . That 's why I called her - - I knew she 'd have an answer . I got to Jenifer 's house and met her mom , Yolanda , at this time . She was very nice and reassured me that everything would be fine , and Buddy was going to be just fine too . I could see where her daughter got her calm , reassuring demeanor - - it appeared to be from her mother . After Yolanda left , Jenifer told me she had measured the biggest crate she had and it would fit in her car . We then got into her car and went to Petco to pick up the crate . Jenifer walked in , looked around , found the largest crate in the place , and told the associate , " We need that crate . " He got it down and took it to the cash register for us . We then got a bag of Blue Buffalo dog food and headed to the cashier . $ 300 later , I carried the dog food and Jenifer and the associate carried the crate out to her car . After Jenifer lifted up the back seat in her car , the crate fit perfectly in the back of her Honda Element . There 's one good purpose for those funky - looking cars ! We then headed to the vet 's office . We got there and took the crate in through the back door . As we carried it in , I saw Buddy lying on a table , with Emma and a vet assistant working over him . I guess they were bathing him as they were rubbing his fur with towels . Poor guy - - he was dead to the world with some tube leading out of his mouth . We then left and on the way to Jenifer 's house , she looked at the time and said , " I 'm starving . How about some lunch ? " I said " Sure " and we stopped at a Subway . Since Jenifer came through for me on purchasing the crate , I gladly bought her lunch ! As we got back into Jenifer 's car , I checked my cell phone and found that I missed a call from the vet 's office . I called the office and they said Buddy was ready to be picked up . We got to the office and we were lead into a room and told to wait for Emma to come talk to us . After a few minutes , Emma came in and gave us a rundown on everything Dr . Saldanha had done to Buddy . She said he had neutered him , pulled two fractured teeth , ran blood tests to check for parasites and any other diseases he might have , gave him all his shots , and stitched up his jaw . She then provided us with after - care instructions and said Buddy would be sedated for probably 24 hours as it would take that long for the Ace to wear off . She said he would more than likely sleep until tomorrow afternoon . We could give a small amount of wet dog food and water only . At this time , I asked Emma about Buddy 's jaw . She indicated there was a really bad infection in the jaw and they had to put stitches on both the outside and the inside of the jaw to repair it . I indicated the jaw injury was from his fighting the come - along when he was taken to the Shelter and when he was removed from the Shelter and taken to Jenifer 's . Emma immediately said , " Oh no . This injury isn 't from the come - along . This is an older injury . It 's not recent . He 's had it for quite some time as there was a lot of dead , infected tissue that had to be removed . It was quite nasty once we got in there and started cleaning it out . " I replied that I thought it was from the come - along and she reiterated that no , it was not a recent injury . I was shocked to hear this and realized the dog must have endured an incredible amount of pain . No wonder he was growling and snapping at people . He was in excruciating pain . He had two fractured teeth and a nasty tear in his jaw and he 's fighting and biting on the metal pole of a come - along . I can 't even imagine the pain he must have been in and endured . Thank God dogs live in the moment and he wouldn 't dwell on all the pain he 's had to endure in his life . We finished talking to Emma and then went to the front counter so I could sign paperwork and take care of the " damages " . I was presented an invoice and should have been sitting down . The total for this vet visit was $ 2 , 647 - slightly higher than what I had been quoted earlier . I wondered why no one called me to advise me of the difference in cost , but then realized they had probably got to working on Buddy and found he needed more care than originally anticipated . Besides , there was nothing we could do . We needed to do what 's best for Buddy , and I was sure they did exactly that . Jenifer pulled her car up next to the building and Buddy was brought out in his crate . The crate was placed in the back of Jenifer 's car and we looked inside at him . He had an E - collar on and he was lying in his crate , quite sedated at this time . He was barely able to hold his eyes open while looking up at us . I made the comment that a good day of sleep is exactly what he needed , and Jenifer agreed . We proceeded to Jenifer 's house and she called her Dad and asked him to meet us there so he could help us unload Buddy 's crate . As we pulled into the driveway , Jenifer 's Dad , Alan , was already there and he followed us to the car . We all three lifted the crate out of the car and carried it to Buddy 's kennel area . We put the crate inside the kennel in the corner and took the door off so he could go in and out at will . It was obvious that Buddy was going to stay in his crate for the time being and he 'd sleep for the rest of the night . We talked with Alan for a while and then he left . Jenifer and I talked for a short time and I asked her about taking Buddy back to the vet to get his stitches out . I asked her how we 'd plan on doing that without ripping his mouth back open if we put him on a leash . I suggested that we just put him in the crate and then put the crate in the car , but Jenifer replied , " No , he has to learn to ride in the car sooner or later . " I felt sick to my stomach as I couldn 't stand the thought of again putting the dog through what we had put him through that day to get him in the car . I thought to myself , " Well , we 've got two weeks to figure out something . " Jenifer must have seen my apprehension as she said , " I 'm not going to worry about it for two weeks and don 't you either . We 'll worry about it then . " I said " Okay " and then I headed home as I was quite exhausted from the mental strain of the last week and a half , along with the stress just from today . It had been a very long day , but at least we succeeded in getting Buddy to the vet and getting him the care he so desperately needed . One hurdle down ; one more to go - the next and hopefully last vet visit . I tried to tell myself , " Don 't worry about it . It 's not for two weeks " , but that didn 't help much as the whole idea just stressed me out . The dog had been through so much already . I didn 't want to put him through anymore . We 'll see what the next two weeks hold . . . . . . . I arrived at Claudia 's house at 9 : 15 . She was running late and was totally stressed out . She said she had been trying to get ready but had several interruptions and phone calls . Vikki had called and said she wouldn 't be able to meet us at the Shelter at 10 : 00 as planned as she had things to do that prevented her from doing so , and she 'd meet us at 11 : 00 instead . I looked at Claudia in disbelief and said , " What ? Does she not know what today is ? It was her idea we all meet at 10 : 00 . " Claudia said , " I know . I tried to tell her we all needed to be there at 10 : 00 as planned because Jenifer ( the trainer ) is supposed to meet us there . " We were both very upset at this point as we didn 't need anything happening to prevent us from getting this dog . I could see Claudia was almost sick over this , as I was , so I told her we both had to calm down and take a deep breath . I asked her if she wanted me to call Vikki , and she said , " You can . " I dialed Vikki 's number and she answered . I said , " Vikki , this is Lori . Are you not meeting us at 10 : 00 as planned ? " And she said , " I told Claudia I 'd meet you around 11 : 00 . " I told her , " Vikki , we all agreed to meet at 10 : 00 . They 're not going to release the dog to anybody but you . The trainer is meeting us at 10 : 00 also , so we all need to be there as she has another appointment afterwards . You were the one who told us 10 : 00 , remember ? " Vikki got rather short with me and said , " Well , you 're preventing me from doing what I need to do before I can leave . I 'll be there at 11 : 00 or as close to that as I can . " Click . I hung up the phone and looked at Claudia . I was ready to flip my lid at this point ! So was Claudia . After all we 've gone through , and the person who was supposed to " rescue " the dog from the Shelter for us was going to be late . Great . At this point , Claudia said , " We might as well go ahead and go and hope she 's not too late . I can 't believe this . I told Jenifer to meet us there at 10 : 00 . " I agreed and we both hoped Vikki wouldn 't leave all of us waiting too long . In addition to Jenifer meeting us , Claudia 's Dad was also going to be meeting us at the Shelter . We weren 't there but a couple minutes when Claudia 's Dad ( David ) walked up to our car . He started telling us about the night before , when he came and fed Buddy . He said Captain Brawley ( who we had met the first night we visited the Shelter to see Buddy ) was his escort . As David started feeding Buddy , Captain Brawley kept cautioning him , telling him the dog was vicious and aggressive and he shouldn 't be putting his hands near the bars of his kennel . David said he told him , " We 've been coming and feeding this dog everyday . Look , he 's not aggressive " as he handed him a piece of hotdog through the bars , using his fingers . As always , Buddy gently took the hotdog pieces from his fingers . He said Captain Brawley got a little agitated and told him he shouldn 't be doing that , that the dog could bite him . However , David just continued feeding Buddy the hotdogs he had brought for him . At one point , David told Captain Brawley , " My daughter is coming tomorrow to adopt this dog . A rescue has stepped in and agreed to adopt him for her . " At this time , Captain Brawley said , " That wasn 't cleared through me " and then explained that he had been off sick all week . David explained that it had already been arranged , that we would all be there tomorrow at 10 : 00 . Captain Brawley replied , " Well , I 'm going to have to check into that ! " David said while he was feeding Buddy , he dropped the wrapper from the hotdogs , and it started to blow towards Buddy 's kennel . David started to grab it , but Captain Brawley told him to stay back , that he 'd get it . He raised his stick to knock the paper away from Buddy 's kennel , and Buddy immediately curled his lip , growled , and lunged towards the bars at him . At this time , Captain Brawley said , " See , I told you - - he 's aggressive . " At this time , I told David , " He 's going to growl at anybody who works in this place as they all have that " stench " on them from it . " Both he and Claudia agreed . David said he finished feeding Buddy and sat with him for a little while and then went on home . As we were talking to David , I saw Vikki 's car pull up . I walked over to her car , but she was on her cell phone . After she got off the phone , she came up to Claudia 's car and gave us two contracts , one for Victor and one for Buddy , that we all three had to sign ( Claudia , her Dad , and I ) . The contract for Buddy was the contract releasing the County from any liability regarding the dog . We read them and signed them both . At this time , Vikki went into the Shelter to talk to Greg Beck . After some time , she came out and told Claudia and I , " He said he 's not releasing the dog as long as there 's an audience . " We looked at her and said , " What audience ? " Vikki said Mr . Beck didn 't like the fact that we had brought additional people with us ( Claudia 's Dad ? ) , and as long as we were all in the parking lot , he was not going to release the dog to us . I looked at Claudia and said , " He 's not releasing the dog now or never ? " She said , " I don 't know . " At this time , David said , " Why 's he so concerned about an audience ? What will they be doing that they 're so concerned ? " Claudia and I both agreed that was a good question . A short time later , we saw Jenifer 's car pull into the parking lot . Claudia and I walked over and introduced ourselves . We told Jenifer what Vikki had said , that Greg wasn 't going to release the dog as long as there 's an audience . She said , " Really ? Well , let me go talk to him . " Vikki and Jenifer went into the Shelter and we stayed in the parking lot . After about ten minutes , we saw Jenifer walk towards the kennels and she was by herself . She got to the door leading into the inside kennels , where Buddy was , and I told her he was right inside the door , three kennels down . She looked inside the door , whistled for him , but couldn 't see him from where she was standing . She didn 't go into the area as whoever had opened the door wasn 't supposed to have left it open , but instead proceeded to the other kennels around the corner . She walked around the kennels for a short time and then proceeded back to the lobby area . Jenifer came out of the Shelter and walked over to where Claudia and I were standing . She said Vikki had gotten into a heated conversation with Greg Beck , and she thought it best that she leave until Vikki was finished with her conversation . She waited until Vikki came out of the Shelter and then she went in to talk to Greg by herself . We waited what seemed like forever . Both Claudia and I were stressed and picking at our fingernails at this point . Jenifer finally came out of the Shelter and walked over to Claudia 's car , where we were waiting . She said she had talked to Greg at length about the situation . She had run into some resistance from him at first , as he was a little upset from his previous conversation with Vikki . Basically , she said she told him this is a high - profile case and he can be the " hero " in this situation and turn it around by just delivering the dog as promised . They talked for a while , and Greg told Jenifer he would deliver the dog to her house sometime in the afternoon as he didn 't have a driver available right now to make the delivery . She asked him if he could give her a time frame , and he said no . She asked him , 1 : 00 , 2 : 00 , 3 : 00 , but he still refused to give her a time and said he had no driver right now , that it would 't be until this afternoon sometime . He did tell her he 'd call her when they were leaving the Shelter . Jenifer told us that due to the delay in having Buddy delivered , she would need to cancel her afternoon appointments . She had also been hoping we could get him delivered early enough so we could get him to a groomer for a bath . At this point , that didn 't look likely . There was nothing more we could do , so we all decided to go to our respective homes and wait . We thanked Vikki for all she had done in helping us get Buddy rescued and told David goodbye . Jenifer told us she would call us as soon as she got a call from Greg , indicating they were leaving the Shelter and heading to her house . We told her we 'd be waiting . On the way to Claudia 's house , we stopped and picked up some lunch to go . After we ate , we were sitting and waiting when Jenifer called . I talked to her and she said she was hoping Buddy would be delivered before 3 : 00 so we could get him into the groomer for a bath . She had called her groomer , and they said they normally close at 2 : 00 , but they would stay open later , if we could get the dog to them by 3 : 00 . I told her she might consider calling Greg Beck and telling him that , that it might put some fire under his butt to get the dog delivered earlier rather than later . She said we 'd wait a little while and see . At 2 : 40 , Jenifer called and said , " They just left with Buddy . Hurry up and book it on over here . " Claudia and I drove to Jenifer 's house as quick as we could . Surprisingly , we got there just as the Animal Control truck pulled up . We watched as the Animal Control truck pulled into Jenifer 's driveway , and then we parked out front of Jenifer 's house , a distance away from the truck . Neither one of us wanted to see the dog being removed from the truck or the tactics that might have to be used . We watched from a distance , but from where we sat , all we could see is the right side of the Animal Control truck . Jenifer and the Animal Control officer were on the left side of the truck , out of our view , and Greg Beck was standing near the back of the truck , off a ways , with his arms crossed . We could see Greg but not Jenifer , the officer , or the dog . I told Claudia , " That dog is never coming out of that truck with Greg standing there . He 's got " that scent " on him . We waited for approximately 30 minutes , at which time , Greg Beck walked up to our car and said , " Do you guys have any of that food with you that you 've been feeding him ? " I looked at Greg and said , " No , we didn 't bring any food with us . You want us to go to the store and get some hotdogs ? " He said , " Hold on . I 'll let you know . " And he walked back to where he had been standing near the truck . A few minutes later , I watched as Greg Beck leaned over , patted his thighs with his hands , and said , " Come here , Buddy ! Come here , boy ! " I said to Claudia , " What is he doing ? That dog 's not going to come to him ! What 's he thinking ? " She said , " I don 't know . " I got out of the truck and walked up to the fence , near where Greg had been standing . At this time , he was standing closer to the truck . I said to him , " Hey Greg . Why don 't you step away from the truck . He 's not going to come out of the truck as long as you 're standing near it because you have the shelter smell on you . " Greg looked at me and said , " He 's not coming out anyway . " He then stepped further back away from the truck and said , " But I 'll stand over here in the shade . " I then looked over and saw Jenifer standing with her hand held out at arm 's length , with a leash to Buddy at the end of it . The leash was pulled tight , and she was just standing there , waiting for him to come to her . I asked her if she needed us to go get some hotdogs from the store , and she said , " No . Scared , nervous dogs don 't eat , and he 's scared and nervous right now . " She continued to hold the leash out to Buddy , waiting for him to come to her . I went and sat back in the car with Claudia . I told her what I saw , and we both prayed that Jenifer would be able to get Buddy out of the truck . Please God , just let her get him out of the truck . That 's all we ask at this point . After another fifteen to twenty minutes , we saw Jenifer standing near the front of the truck with the Animal Control officer and Greg . I saw at this time , the officer had taken the come - along out of the truck and she was showing Jenifer how to use the tool . I turned to Claudia and said , " I don 't want to watch this . I can 't stand to see this dog hurt anymore . " She said , " I know " and turned her head to look out her window so she didn 't have to watch what was going on either . After several minutes , I did look up and saw that Jenifer had gotten Buddy removed from the truck and she had him on the come - along . He was fighting frantically and was starting to " alligator roll " , where he rolled over and over onto his belly and then his back . After rolling several times , Jenifer got him to stand up and she led him / pulled him to the kennel that was on her back patio . I looked at Claudia and said , " Thank God ! She got him out of the truck . That 's all we wanted . " We sat and waited for the Animal Control truck to leave . Then Jenifer walked up and asked us to come on back to her back patio area . We got out of the car and followed her . On the way back to her patio , Jenifer told us that she had to use the come - along because Buddy bit right through her nylon leash . She said she didn 't want to have to do that , but she had no choice and had to get the dog out of the truck . She then showed us her hand that was swollen and had several small puncture marks on . She said Buddy had bitten her several times , but he only bit her with his front teeth , not his back teeth . She said he could have really hurt her if he wanted to but was only giving her warning bites . When we got to the back patio , to our right , there was a fenced kennel and Buddy was lying inside of it . Claudia asked if we should go in to see Buddy , and Jenifer said , " Not right now . Just leave him be . " I also noticed there were numerous spots of blood on the ground leading to the kennel . Oh Lord , he must have ripped his mouth open again . : - ( We all three sat down , and Jenifer asked Claudia , " So , what is it you want for this dog ? " At this time , Claudia explained the whole story to Jenifer about Buddy living on the streets , having the officer from the Humane Society capture him and take him to the Shelter , how we fed him every day at the Shelter , etc . We talked at length about the dog , and Jenifer said , " Well , I have to be honest with you . On a scale of 1 - 10 , this dog is probably a 10 as far as the need for rehab . He is the worst case I 've seen . If he were to go to Cesar 's Dog Psychology Center , Cesar would plan on keeping him there for 90 days . " Claudia and I looked at each with other with eyes as big as saucers ! Wow , we had no idea he was that bad . As we sat there talking to Jenifer , I watched Buddy , and it seemed as if the stress was slowly leaving his body . He sat up against the wall of his kennel , just watching us and panting as it was very hot out . He gradually stopped panting , but continued to sit and watch us , which was different than the way he had been at the shelter . While at the Shelter , Buddy didn 't really look at Claudia and I much , not directly anyway . He mainly looked at the food we held out to him or looked at us as we approached and then looked away . And he never sat up against the wall of his kennel and just looked at us as he was doing now . I told Jenifer , " He 's looking better already . He 's looking at us , and he 's never done that for any length of time . Not like he is now . It 's like the life is flowing back into him . " Claudia agreed and said he was looking better , that she could see it too . Jenifer said , " That 's good . I 'm glad to hear that . " At this time , Buddy had stopped panting and was more relaxed . Jenifer said , " You can go in and see him now ? " I said , " Will he be okay with that ? " And Jenifer replied , " Oh yeah . He has good thoughts about you guys . He 'll be fine . " I opened the gate into Buddy 's kennel and slowly walked towards him with my hand held out . I talked to him softly and he sniffed my hand . I was able to walk right up to him and pet him for the first time , with no bars between us . What a relief and a great feeling that was ! I sat down next to him and pet him and talked softly to him . I scratched him behind his ear , and he really liked that . I knew this dog wasn 't aggressive at all times , and he just proved it . If he was aggressive , it was for a reason . I firmly believe that . Plus , you have to remember - - this dog has been in a great deal of pain due to his jaw injury . He had that injury while he was in the Shelter and never received any medical treatment for it . Now , I noticed the injury to his jaw was newly opened and was bleeding badly . It also appeared there was a gaping hole in his jowl area . He really needed medical attention now . I told Jenifer that Buddy 's jaw looked really bad and she agreed that he needed medical attention right away . Claudia asked if there was a mobile vet in the area , and Jenifer said she thought so , but she 'd get the phone book so we could find out . Claudia started looking through the phone book and found one mobile vet . She called the number listed and spoke to someone , but said they weren 't available , nor were they suitable for what we needed . Jenifer then called her vet , Dr . Saldanha of the Arlington Animal Hospital . He indicated he could come out this evening , but it would probably be useless as he wouldn 't have any of his tools necessary to give the aide to the dog that he needed . He suggested we sedate the dog and bring him into his office in the morning . At this time , Claudia went into the kennel and introduced herself to Buddy . He welcomed her as warmly as he welcomed me . There weren 't any tail - wags yet , but he was at least responsive and accepted the affection we gave him . This was a great sign , in both our eyes , as it reinforced our belief that this dog wasn 't vicious and aggressive unless he had a reason for being so . As far as his biting Jenifer while he was in the truck , she had indicated that was out of fear and his being in pain . Nothing more , nothing less . I sat with Buddy for a while and just petted and talked him . I noticed at one point , I turned my hand over and looked at it and it was completely black and my fingernails had dirt under them . I held my hand up so Claudia and Jenifer could see it and said , " You don 't think he 's dirty , do you ? " Actually , you could just feel the dirt in his coat . This poor guy need a bath so bad . I can only imagine how grimy he must have felt . Then again , he was probably used to it and didn 't know any better . Some day soon , he 'd know differently , and I couldn 't wait . It was getting late at this time , and we still needed to get home to our kids and Jenifer still needed to feed hers . We thanked her for everything she did for us and Buddy , and she told us we were most welcome , that everything was going to work out fine . She told me she wanted me to be at her house the next morning , but I was to go to her vet 's office first and get some Acepromazine ( sedative ) from her vet . Then , we 'd tackle the battle of getting Buddy into the car and to the vet . One more hurdle tackled ; one more to go ! It had been a stressful day , but a successful one . Buddy could have his first night out of the Shelter , and he was in a quiet , stress - free environment . Right now , that 's all we could ask for . On the way home , Claudia and I talked about Buddy , and I asked her if she was sure she could afford having Jenifer train him , along with the vet bill that was coming the next day - - that we were probably looking at thousands of dollars . How many thousands , neither of us had any idea yet . Claudia indicated she had some money in savings and she had just paid off her car and some credit card debt . I said , " Claudia , this is going to be a lot of money . You sure you want to do this ? " Her reply to me , with no hesitation , was simply , " It 's for a good cause . " I agreed and only wished I was in the financial position to look at it that way . I 'm glad she was because if she wasn 't , we would have fought this hard to get this dog out of the shelter , only to run into financial obstacles . God bless Claudia for having such a big heart . She was truly Buddy 's guardian angel . Claudia called me at 8 : 00 and said she hoped she hadn 't woke me up . I told her she didn 't . She indicated she had been trying to call me all night but couldn 't as my line was busy . I told her I had gotten online and forgot to plug the phone back in ( I have internet problems right now and can only use the phone line for one or the other but not both ) . She said she had called Vikki at 5 : 00 that morning and woke her up because she was so worried about # 60 . She asked Vikki if she , as a Rescue , could get # 60 out of the Shelter so we could get him medical attention , and she said she could . She agreed to meet us at noon and she 'd get him then because the Shelter doesn 't release dogs to rescues until noon . Claudia and I arrived at the shelter as soon as they opened . We checked in at the front desk and waited for our escort . A young , heavy - set guy came out and asked the clerk what she needed . She replied , " They need an escort to # 88 . " He quickly responded , " Oh , that 's the mean one , isn 't it ? " Claudia and I looked at each other with a " For Pete 's sake ! " look . Seemed everybody was drinking the Kool - aide and believing this dog was extremely vicious and aggressive ! We walked towards Buddy 's kennel and on the way , I noticed that # 60 was lying in his inside kennel . We got to Buddy 's kennel , and he was lying inside , near the bars . We immediately noticed that whoever had cleaned his kennel had done a sloppy job as there was still some feces from the day before near where he was laying . We both looked around at the other kennels and noticed they all were very clean , spotless in fact . . . . . We both also noticed Buddy 's water was filthy , with sediment in the bottom of the pan . It broke our hearts to see him treated in such a manner . We told him , " Just hang in there one more day , Buddy . Just one more day , and we 'll get you out of here as soon as we can . While Claudia fed Buddy , I told her I 'd go feed # 60 . I took some dog food and chicken breast to him and he scarfed down both . I also noticed that his dish was empty , and it was full the night before , so he must have eaten during the night , which was good since he couldn 't get the hot dogs we had thrown to him . I went back to Buddy 's cage and got some more chicken and Claudia asked me if he was eating . I said , " He 's chowing ! He also ate his food they gave him last night . " She said , " That 's good . " I told her he was still far from being full though as he ate all the dog food I had given him and was still eating some chicken . She indicated he probably had worms or something to be able to eat so much . Of course , the whole time I was feeding # 60 , his little body was just a wiggling ! His tail wagged the whole time I fed him , which in turn , wiggled his whole body . In spite of the pain he must have felt , he was still a very happy dog as he sat there and ate and smiled at me the whole time , and wiggled of course ! Claudia 's dad was right . There was no way we could leave this happy little guy there . Every dog should be able to be as happy as he was , at least once in their life ! At one point , Claudia asked our escort if she could take a picture of Buddy . However , he told us , " No . My supervisor wouldn 't like that . I don 't mind myself , but I don 't want to get in any trouble . " Claudia said it was okay , she understood ( She 's so understanding ! If it was me , I would have snapped the picture and not asked . He would have had to tell me that I couldn 't . However , she didn 't want to cause anymore retaliation towards Buddy or have anything happen to get in our way of adopting him , so she asked before taking a photo . She 's sooo nice that way ! This is also why we have no pictures of Buddy while he was at the shelter . ) After we got in the car and drove down the road a short way , Claudia 's phone rang . I answered it as she was driving and it was Vikki . We agreed to meet her at Denny 's and told her we 'd be there in about five minutes or so . We met Vikki in the parking lot and introduced ourselves as this was the first time we had ever met our " hero " ( remember - - she 's the one who saved Buddy from a sure death ) . We told her about # 60 , that he was unable to walk , and we were concerned that they 'd make him walk out to her car . She said she 'd go find out and would be back as soon as she could . We waited about ten , fifteen minutes , and Vikki pulled up with # 60 in the back seat . We were both so excited to see him , we could hardly contain ourselves ! I opened the door to Vikki 's car , and there he sat , just smiling up at us . This dog was always smiling . It was great ! Vikki said he had gotten so excited , he pee 'd in the car . However , she had a blanket on the seat , so she had been prepared . We asked her if they had made him walk out to her , and she said , " No , I asked the officer if she could carry him , and she carried him right out to my car . " We were both relieved to hear that . I picked up # 60 and put him in the back seat of Claudia 's car . We thanked Vikki for all that she had done and what she was still going to do . We told her we 'd see her tomorrow , when we went to sign the paperwork to get Buddy . She was going to meet us at the Shelter , as she was who they were releasing him to . I got in the back seat with # 60 so I could sit next to him and keep an eye on him . At this time , I could see how skinny he was . Every rib showed and his spine was clearly visible . I was surprised how heavy he was though when I had lifted him . He was definitely solid . We headed to the Grand Terrace Emergency Animal Clinic . I was petting # 60 and I noticed a little white " V " on the back of his neck . I told Claudia , " How about if we name him " Victor " . We were victorious in getting him out of the shelter and he has a little " V " on the back of his neck . " She said , " That 's a great idea . I like that ! " So Victor it was . I patted his little head and told him , " We were victorious in getting you , so your name is Victor . " He , of course , wagged his tail , which in turn , wiggled his little body and smiled at me . He seemed to be in total agreement and liked the idea also . Victor was really good in the car . He sat next to me , between the two front seats , and was content with the air conditioning blowing in his face . He sat there the whole time and didn 't try to get up or move around . What a sport ! We got to the Emergency Clinic , and I carried Victor to the lobby area . Claudia checked in at the front desk , and Victor and I went and had a seat . While we were sitting and waiting for Claudia , a lady came in with a female Golden Retriever . The dog was about eight feet away from us . However , Victor immediately stood up and started barking aggressively at the dog ( Oh no ! Not another aggressive , vicious dog ! ) . I pulled him back down by his collar and told him , " No , Victor . No . " After a few seconds of barking and growling , he laid down at my feet and was quiet . Claudia came and sat down and said , " Oh , a little dog aggression , huh ? " I told her , " Well , he 's a little defenseless right now , so that 's normal . He can 't protect himself so he doesn 't want any dogs near his space probably . " She agreed and said , " Oh , I didn 't think of that . " We waited for ten to fifteen minutes , at which time , we were called into an exam room . A vet tech first took Victor to a scale and weighed him . We were shocked to see that he still weighed 46 pounds . The vet tech brought Victor back into the exam room and started checking him out . It was amazing to see the instant bond she formed with the animal and his response to her . She placed Victor 's head up against her chest , rubbed him behind his ears , and told him , " It 's okay , boy . We 're going to fix you right up . " Victor just closed his eyes and pushed his head into her chest as if he knew what she was saying . A short time later , the vet came in and started to examine Victor . He lifted up the skin on his back several times to see if he was dehydrated and then looked at his teeth . He then looked at his paws and said , " They 're ulcerated . " ( Really ? ! ) Claudia explained what had transpired at the shelter and what we had been told about the dog . The vet examined Victor a little further and then said he would need to be taken into the back to have his paws bandaged with antiseptic bandages , given some antibiotics and some pain meds , and we could come back in an hour to pick him up . We thanked him for his time , and he left the room . A short time later , another vet tech came in . She looked in Victor 's ears and told us she 'd have his ears cleaned out while he was there and then went to get a cart to put him on . She came back with a stainless steel cart , and I helped her put Victor on it . However , as soon as she started moving the cart out of the room , Victor got scared and tried to jump off of it . At this time , she said , " I 'll just pick him up . " I said , " Yeah , that might work better . " She then picked Victor up and left the room . We told the front desk we 'd be back in an hour , and we left the clinic . We got into Claudia 's car and we both looked at each other and said , " You hungry ? " Yep , we were both hungry as it was 1 : 30 by now and we hadn 't eaten lunch . We went down the road to the Food Connection and got something to eat . We sat down in a booth , and it was then that we both realized how tired we were as it had been a very stressful week . It felt so good to just sit and do nothing for a while . We finished our lunch and then went back to the Clinic . We checked in at the front desk and let them know we were there to pick up Victor . By this time , it was almost 3 : 00 . I told Claudia , " I don 't think we 're going to have time to go see Buddy later . We have to run Victor home still . There 's no way we can do both . " She agreed that we were running out of time and said she 'd call her Dad and ask him to go as he had offered to earlier if we didn 't have time to . Claudia called her Dad and told him where we were and what we were doing . She asked him if he 'd go feed Buddy , and he said sure , he 'd be glad to . We had to wait about 30 - 45 minutes before they finally brought out Victor . They brought him out on a cart , and his paws were all bandaged , with green bandages on the bottoms . We were instructed to have his bandages changed every two days , and we could bring him back there to have it done or take him to our own vet . They also sent him home with some pain medication and some antibiotics for the infection . We put Victor in the car and he once again was content to lie on the blankets on the back seat , facing forward between the two front seats , with the air blowing in his face . We took him to Claudia 's Dad 's house since he has a separate fenced area in his backyard where the dog could stay while he recovered . I carried Victor to the back yard ( this dog is heavy for being so skinny ! ) and laid him down on a dog bed that Claudia had brought with her . We then put up a small fence and made an enclosed area for him as the vet had instructed us to limit his movement while his feet were healing . We fed him some dog food and of course , he ate it like it was going out of style . We sat with Victor a while and talked to Claudia 's Dad about him . We then said goodbye to him and headed back to Claudia 's house as by this time , it was getting late and we both needed to get home to our kids and feed them . We drove home that night , both greatly relieved that we were able to get Victor out of the Shelter and get him the medical attention he desperately needed . Now if tomorrow would go this smoothly ! One battle down ; one to go . On Saturday , July 25 , 2009 , I arrived at Claudia 's house at about 9 : 30 . She told me , " My Dad is going to adopt # 60 , ( photo above ) and I 'm going to adopt # 90 ! " I said , " What ? Are you kidding ? Your Dad 's going to adopt # 60 ? " And she replied , " Yes , he said we just can 't leave him there , and I kind of bonded with # 90 . He and I established a bond yesterday . I can 't leave him there . " I was like , " Okay , whatever . " Claudia and I arrived at the shelter at 10 : 00 a . m . There was already a line of cars at the gate , waiting to be let into the parking lot . Brenda came out and opened the gate and we proceeded to the parking lot . It was very busy and crowded as we entered the lobby , so Claudia and I walked straight through and went back to Buddy 's kennel . We got to Buddy 's outside kennel to once again find it empty . We went back to the door leading to the inside kennels , but it was again locked . I told Claudia I 'd go to the front desk and get someone to unlock it for us . I went to the front desk and asked for an escort to kennel # 88 . I asked why he was locked in the inside kennel and the clerk at the front counter ( a young Hispanic girl ) responded , " Because he 's not very nice and we don 't want the public putting their hands in his cage . " This is when I responded , " We 've been feeding him every day , sticking our fingers in his cage . " This clerk then responded that she would get the vet tech to escort us , and I told her , " Brenda 's right there " as I saw that she was nearby in the room that holds the cats . The clerk walked towards the back , and at one point , I saw Brenda also walk through the door leading to the back . After several minutes , the clerk came back and said , " I 'm so sorry for the wait . Lieutenant MaGee is going to come up and escort you back . " Lieutenant N . MaGee came out and asked who was here to see # 88 . I walked up and told her I was . Lieutenant MaGee introduced herself and said it was nice to meet me , and I responded in kind . She then escorted us to Buddy 's kennel . Lieutenant MaGee unlocked the door into the inside kennels and we found Buddy inside kennel # 88 . However , we immediately noticed that he appeared deeply depressed again , as his whole demeanor was different than the night before . He was lying against the bars but facing away from us and didn 't immediately turn towards us when we walked up . We leaned down and squatted in front of his cage and talked to him . Claudia said to me , " Look , he 's regressed . " I agreed with her and said he must be depressed being locked inside . We also noticed that his mouth was bleeding again , and we wondered what had happened to him the night before as his mouth was almost healed when we had seen him the previous evening . Now , it was once again swollen and bleeding . We asked Lieutenant MaGee if someone could have been " aggravating " the dog after hours and poking something at him to cause him to bite it and open the injury on his jaw . Since the dog had been deemed " aggressive and vicious " , we were wondering if whoever was feeding him ( nobody was bothering to give him fresh water as his water was dirty with sediment at the bottom of the pan ) was poking something at him to keep him away from them while they entered his kennel , or something to that affect . Lieutenant MaGee right away responded with , " Ain 't nobody messing with that dog . He 's probably chewing on his water bowl at night or something . Some dogs do that . They chew on their bowls or the bars …… . . stuff like that . " At this time , I stood up and noticed that hanging at my eye level was a laminated memo on the outside of Buddy 's kennel . It was a memo from Greg Beck instructing his staff that " This dog is to remain in the inside kennel during the hours the shelter is open for the public . " The memo also stated that " All staff should take precaution when feeding or caring for this animal as he is determined to be " vicious and aggressive " . The memo further stated , " The slider door can be raised after hours so that the dog can have access to the outside kennel . These orders are to remain in effect as long as the dog is housed at this shelter . " The memo was dated June 24 , 2009 . I read the memo and squatted back down by Claudia and told her , " Looks like retaliation tactics to me . They can 't do anything to us , so they retaliate against the dog . No wonder he 's regressing . " She wholeheartedly agreed . Note : We had been able to visit Buddy every day , twice a day on weekends , for the past seven days without having an escort . We checked in at the front desk , told them " We 're here to see # 88 " and we were waived through to go on back to his kennel . Buddy had also been able to enter both his inside and outside kennels since he arrived at the shelter on Thursday , July 16 . It wasn 't until Friday , July 24th , when we were finally given the decision that we could adopt the dog , that different rules were put in place , and we were no longer allowed to see him without an escort and he was locked in his inside kennel , with no access to his outside kennel during public hours . Kind of late to lock a dog away from public access when he 's had free reign up until this point ! While Lieutenant MaGee stood near us , we fed Buddy some hotdogs and chicken . He ate a little of both and then laid his head in the corner of the kennel , as he had done previously when he was depressed . We petted him as best we could and talked to him for a short time . While there , we started talking to Lieutenant MaGee , who had taken a great deal of interest in the Bull Mastiff that was in the kennel opposite Buddy . At one point , she said , " I like big dogs . I got over " cute " a long time ago and it no longer affects me . I can 't have this dog , but I 'm going to have my girlfriend adopt him so I can go see him . " After saying goodbye to Buddy , we walked to kennel # 60 to see the black pit bull housed there . As we got to his kennel , we noticed he was lying in his inside kennel . We coaxed him to the outside kennel , and the dog walked gingerly towards us . It was clearly obvious that he was in extreme pain as he was having difficulty walking . I said to Claudia , " Look at his feet " as his front left foot was obviously swollen and had clear yellowish liquid weeping from open wounds on it . Lieutenant MaGee was still with us , and she started explaining to us that " Pitbulls have skin conditions that make them lick their feet a lot . That 's probably what he 's been doing . " I looked at # 60 's left rear foot and it was also swollen and inflamed with open wounds on it . I proceed to feed # 60 some Pedigree dog food that we had brought with us , and he ate it like he hadn 't eaten in quite some time . He also devoured two hotdogs . I made the comment that # 60 acted like he hasn 't eaten in some time , and Lieutenant MaGee explained that a lot of dogs eat like this because they don 't know when their next meal will be . At this time , Claudia asked Lieutenant MaGee several questions . She inquired about the vet care that the animals get , how long they can stay at the kennel before they are put down , etc . Lieutenant MaGee explained that when all the dogs come into the shelter , they are given a shot , and in a short amount of time , if they have some kind of infection in their system , the shot will make the infection come out and the dog will start showing symptoms of illness . Claudia asked , " How do the officers know the dogs are sick ? " Lieutenant MaGee responded that , " Oh , they look for signs such as redness in their stools , stuff like that . " I immediately asked if the vet had seen this dog , and Lieutenant MaGee said the vet sees all the dogs and examines them . I asked if Buddy had gotten the same shot that # 60 had received , and she explained that " all the dogs get that shot , mean or not . " She said " they just poke him in the butt , but they all got the shot . " At this point in the conversation , Claudia asked how long the dogs were held at the shelter . Lieutenant MaGee then explained that the dogs were in a kennel for three days in order to give the owner a chance to claim them , and then on the fourth day , if no one was interested in adopting them , they were put down . She explained that if the shelter wasn 't full , then some dogs were given more time . She then went on to explain that if no one was interested in adopting # 60 , then he would receive no medical care as they weren 't going to " waste money on a dog that nobody wanted to adopt " . She saw the appalled looks on mine and Claudia 's faces and then said , " Hey , it 's better than it used to be . Things have changed a lot . Back in 1999 , we used to put down 50 dogs a day . I used to walk in in the morning and say , " Come on . Let 's hurry up and get this over with . " She indicated that things weren 't perfect but things had changed . After we both picked our jaws up off the ground , we thanked Lieutenant MaGee for her time and proceeded to the front counter area . Claudia and I stopped at the front counter and asked when # 60 was available for adoption . The young Hispanic clerk told us he would be available for adoption tomorrow , Sunday , July 26th . I advised the clerk that he had injuries to his feet and could hardly walk . She then looked up the vet 's notes in the computer and told us , " The vet has examined the dog and determined that he had probably been thrown from a moving vehicle as his paws and pads were abraded and some of his nails on his feet had been broken off . The vet has indicated the dog would heal on his own and needs no medical attention . " I looked at Claudia and I was appalled and almost sick to my stomach . We couldn 't believe what we were hearing . A dog is thrown from a moving vehicle but needs no medical attention - in whose world ? What kind of vet makes such a determination ? The same one who leaves a dog in his kennel with an obvious open wound to his jaw and says that he doesn 't need medical attention either . We returned to the Shelter at approximately 5 : 15 . We waited for an escort and an officer ( female , blonde , tall , heavy - set ) escorted us to Buddy 's kennel . Upon immediately arriving at Buddy 's kennel , I noted that he had defecated quite heavily in his kennel and the odor was horrendous . I asked the officer if she could put Buddy in the outside kennel while we sprayed the inside of the kennel so we could remove the feces . The officer explained that she does not normally work at this particular shelter and has to abide by the rule that the dog was to stay in the inside kennel . We told her we understood , though we felt bad because the dog was lying in his own urine and if he moved two inches further , he 'd be lying in his own feces . I told Claudia , " Yeah , they want him to be a total mess when we do get him out of here . Stinky , dirty … . yep , they 're making sure of it . They 're not going to make anything easy about this . " While the officer sat down at the end of row of kennels , Claudia and I fed Buddy and he did appear in better spirits at this time . He ate some chicken , hotdogs , and dog food , and then promptly displayed signs of being tired . We scratched his head and ears as best we could , and after a short time , we said goodbye to him . We walked out with the officer and told her we 'd like to visit the dog in kennel # 60 as we were interested in adopting him . We arrived at kennel # 60 , only to find the dog lying in the inside kennel again . Claudia and I tried to coax him into the outside kennel by offering him a hotdog , but try as he might , the dog was clearly unable to stand . We both noted that # 60 's paw pads on his front left foot were red , bleeding , and clearly infected . We directed the officer 's attention to his paws and advised her that the dog could no longer stand . She said she would go inside and tell the front desk the dog needed medical attention . After a short time , she came back out and said , " The vet will be out to see him tomorrow . " I looked at Claudia , and she looked at me , and we both said , " Yeah , right . Vets probably don 't come out on Sunday . " Claudia and I visited # 60 for a little while longer , but he could not come out of his cage . We both watched as he " belly - crawled " over to his water bowl to get some water . At no time did he ever come out of his inside kennel to get the hotdogs we had placed in his outside kennel . We hoped that someone would pick them up and give them to him later , versus washing them down the drain . Since it was now closing time , Claudia and I both walked back to the front desk . I wanted to clarify that the vet would be out the next day , so I asked the same clerk I had talked with earlier if the vet would be out tomorrow . She gave me a strange look , as if to say , " The vet never comes here on Sunday , silly ! " She then shook her head and said , " No , I don 't think the vet will be in tomorrow . " I explained to her that the officer who had escorted us just told us a vet would be out tomorrow to see # 60 . I explained to the clerk that the dog in kennel # 60 could not even stand and had deteriorated since we had seen him earlier . She then said , " Well the vet saw the dog on Thursday . " At this time , I told her , " The dog can 't even walk ! We just watched him have to belly crawl to get to his water . " She replied , " Well , I don 't think the vet comes in on Sunday . " I told her , " This dog can 't wait until Monday to be seen . He can 't even walk and his paws are red and bleeding . " She then replied , " Well , the vet will be in to look at him tomorrow or Monday , but probably Monday . " At this time , we left frustrated , disappointed , and very much worried about # 60 . Not only were his paws now bleeding and he couldn 't stand , but the dog was severely emaciated , as if he had not eaten in quite some time . He was obviously sick with parasites . We both left , sick to our stomachs and feeling quite helpless about the situation . There had to be something we could do for this poor dog . First , the battle to save Buddy . Now , another battle to save this dog . We just hoped we 'd be able to adopt him before he got any worse . He was available the next day , but he 'd also have to be neutered before the Shelter would release him . That couldn 't be done until Monday , at the earliest . We hoped he 'd be able to hang on that long . Posted by Lori Gembella |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . Okay , so it probably isn 't what you 're thinking . So far , I 've not gone crazy with the after Christmas shopping . I bought one thing of lights that I wanted , and I bought this thing of led lights that fits on your head ( and I 've already misplaced but I 'm sure it will turn up ) , and three rolls of Christmas paper that because of the colors and / or patterns can be used for things other than Christmas . I intend to look for more lights , but I don 't expect to buy anymore unless they are 75 % off , which might be tomorrow or the next day . Or maybe I 'll get lucky and it will be today , but I doubt it . And I 'm not going shopping for clothes , though I might do just a bit of that some other time . The thing that I had to take back was hassle - free ( there was no one ahead of me in line ) Sunday morning , and I have just a bit of store credit to spend now . But that isn 't the plan for today either . And we 're not going out to look for electronic gadgets either . No , we 're finally going to do something about that diet . Or diets . He wants to do this thing where you get rid of stuff in your diet and see if you feel better . I don 't want to do that . I want to lose weight and look pretty and such . So I won 't be on his same diet , cause as far as I can tell his diet doesn 't count calories much , but it does get rid of dairy , which I 'm going to try to have three times a day . But the point is that if he 's going on some diet for six weeks , that should be six weeks that he won 't be eating out much or suggesting we go get ice cream and such . So that would be a good time to change what I eat for a while . Anyway , he 's got this shopping list , and I 've got a few things to get , and so that is the plan for today , after we finish cleaning out the frig . I did most of that yesterday , but there 's still a few things to be thrown out this morning . Well , I 'm not officially planning to start anything til maybe the 3rd or the 4th . I 've waited this long , so I might as well wait until after the New Year 's Eve party . And then I usually don 't feel so good the next day , so I doPosted by Okay , so in my immediate family , the past few years we 've done our main Christmas stuff during Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day , for a couple of reasons , mainly that one of my siblings can spend Christmas with the in - laws . So today I don 't know what I will be doing , if I will be doing anything at all . The guys are going to spend much of the day playing video games , and when they take a break to eat lunch I am invited over , and if they decide to watch one of the DVDs someone got for Christmas I 'm invited over for that too . Other than that I will probably be here cleaning or maybe knitting . And I might go see Grandma , but one never knows if that will involve spending about five minutes actually talking to Grandma , or several hours spent with other relatives who came to talk to Grandma . Either way is okay with me , I just don 't know which to plan for . So , normally , this would be the end of it , except for the after Christmas clearance sales . Well , this year I will attempt to cut down on the clearance sale shopping , with a few exceptions , like if I see any solar powered lights I will get those . I 'm thinking that I would like to have several of those , but I 'm only planning to buy the one on Sunday , and there probably won 't be much left after that . Solar lights would solve my problem of not having an outdoor electrical socket for Christmas decorating , and I also think that the white lights would look good somewhere year round . The office might not agree , so I 'm not going to spend that much , and I 'm not going to put up anything til sometime next year . Solar lights are a bit expensive . New and in season cost $ 20 for a string of 50 lights , so they 'll be $ 10 when I go and look for them Sunday morning , and I probably won 't find any left when I go looking for them again at the 75 % off sale later . Ideally , you would have all different colors of solar lights up all year , maybe orange or purple for Halloween , red or green for Christmas , and white for all year long , and then you just cover up the solar panels for the lights youPosted by Saturday at the pilot 's house was nice , and the following Sunday dinner with more of my friends was nice , and this past Saturday was also nice , though I did feel a bit rushed with the whole thing of having to be in Irving and then in Arlington and then yet another place in Arlington . Following that dinner some of the group went to see the Interlochen Christmas lights , but not me . Maybe my husband will offer to drive me tonight , since we didn 't get to go to that other thing in Oklahoma . Right . Well , something interesting happened during the meeting Saturday . I was wearing a Slytherin scarf , and I got some comments the nice looking scarf . And one of my friends asked how much I would charge to make a scarf if she already had the yarn for it , and I had to tell her that the scarves are eighty dollars , and if she bought the yarn already it would still be about seventy dollars , cause it takes about seven or eight hours to make one . And she said okay , she 'd think about it , which usually means no . And then I thought how this particular person is usually good with crafts and such herself , and I went back and suggested that maybe she could just pay me thirty dollars to do the three or four hours of work on the knitting machine , and then she could do the remaining work that did not require the machine , which still takes about four hours but requires no special equipment and is not brain surgery ( or at least for her it would not be brain surgery ) . And she said that she 'd think about that . So right after that , this guy that I don 't know very well was trying to ask me something . And it 's a very noisy room with all of us having different conversations , and I couldn 't make out what he was saying at first . He was asking if I had a Hufflepuff scarf . Now , normally , I don 't have a lot of scarves just already made waiting for someone to buy them . Normally , if you want to buy a scarf from me , you have to give me the details of what you want , and then I 'll make you one and you can pay me when it 's finished . And usually , after people hear thPosted by Okay , as someone pointed out earlier in the comments to my last post , it now really is two weeks til Christmas . Not even two weeks now . I 'm screwed . Okay , not really that bad , just it doesn 't seem right either . There 's still a bit of stuff to do , and I don 't quite seem to get it through my head that the deadline for a lot of it is here . Like the day after tomorrow here . And like , there won 't be time to do anything for it the day of the thing on Saturday , cause it needs to be done before lunch , and so I don 't want to be rushing around trying to do anything then . And tomorrow I have plans for going to a movie and such , so except for shopping that I have put off until Friday knowing that I would be in the same general area , I shouldn 't plan on having much time to do anything tomorrow . Which means that a lot of it needs to get done today . Okay , what I have done so far is buy and wrap some DVDs for the charity thing , and knit a scarf for the charity thing . I have started a knit hat for the charity thing , but a hat isn 't something that I committed to , so if it doesn 't get done I won 't really worry too much about that . Also , I meant to do some ornaments for the charity thing , but again , that wasn 't something that I committed to , so if it doesn 't get done it is not really a big deal . For the official gift exchange , I 've almost decided on a Darth Vader ornament and a ten dollar gift certificate to Half - Price Books . The thing is that I 'm always going to Half - Price Books and forgetting to get the gift card , or else putting it off on purpose til I 'm sure of the amount . So now I 've put it off and put it off again , and I need the thing before lunch Saturday , so I 'd better remember to get it tomorrow . I could still go by and pick up the thing Saturday morning , but if I do that I 'll have to wrap the gift in my car , which is possible ( especially if I just put the thing in a gift bag ) but I 'd rather not . Besides , someone might see me . That leaves the question of whether or not I 'm getting a gift for K , or if I 'm just getting him a cardPosted by Okay , so if you 've seen a calender recently , you know that Christmas isn 't really two weeks away . It just suddenly seems that way to me . My family has decided to cut back a bit on Christmas , so that we mainly buy one nice thing for one person , after we draw names out of a hat . And then we also buy a smaller gift , but we don 't know who will get the smaller gift . So the spending limit with tax and everything ends up being just a bit under forty dollars per person , and should only require the one shopping trip . And all that is just fine , and I have most of a month to get that done . It 's the rest of it that I 'm unsure about , and a lot of it I need to get done in the next two weeks . Okay , so there 's a group of friends who usually try to do things together two or three times a month . Due to not having a job and the price of gas and some other things , I rarely make it more than once a month now . Once in a great while , the pilot has us over for dinner . And , usually on the third Saturday of December , we exchange gifts . And this is in addition to the official gift exchange at the club , which is also on the that same Saturday . It probably started when I opened my big mouth and asked the pilot if he was having one of his dinners in November , after I was looking at something and noticed that he 'd had a dinner at that time last year . Now , I was not meaning to invite myself over for dinner , just that I was trying to schedule a few things , and I wanted to know if there was a dinner in November that I needed to to keep a certain date open for and not go out of town that week and such . So what he said was that he had meant to have a dinner in November , but this year it just wasn 't going to work out , and he wondered if we wouldn 't keeping open a Saturday in December for that instead . So now dinner with my friends is scheduled for the second Saturday in December at the pilot 's house . So I asked if we should exchange gifts then instead of on the third Saturday like we usually did . At the time I did not have a preference , I just wanted toPosted by Okay , so it 's six something in the morning , and I 'm wondering if it is too early to get in line at the cafeteria . Probably . Anyway , despite there being like four turkeys between us , we 've decided that we will eat out , probably at Furr 's , though I probably haven 't been to Furr 's in years and don 't know what to expect , other than some really long lines . There will only be four of us , as the rest of our group have made other plans with in - laws and such . Mom isn 't much into the cooking and such anymore , and this year in particular she just doesn 't feel up to it . Either my brother or I could do the turkey itself ( I see no problem just doing a very basic turkey and had already made one for myself , and my brother had other ideas and practiced two of them early this month ) , nobody is quite up to making mom 's stuffing ( or grandma 's stuffing , depending on how you look at it ) , and while I like a plain basic turkey to make other things with , it isn 't much of a Thanksgiving turkey without mom 's stuffing . Also missing is grandma 's ( other grandma ) potato salad and a number of other things . So it would have been my brother making a turkey and me attempting stuffing and potato salad , and then not much else interesting , and mom didn 't seem that interested in the turkey anyway . Still , I think my brother did an excellent job on the two practice turkeys , though one of them did turn out too salty . But , then , that is the point of doing practice turkeys , so you can figure out that kind of thing . I was just this close to buying a roaster this year , cause I 'd heard that it could also be used as a slow cooker . But then I heard that a . ) this isn 't really a good idea , and b . ) the roaster that was on sale was not digital , which means that it wouldn 't automatically switch to warm after it finishes cooking . So I did not get one , though I might look again . But I did find a rack that folds up when you 're done , and it fits in the cheap aluminum pans , which I like cause I can be lazy and toss when I 'm done with them . And I really don 't have room for a Posted by I saw a movie this weekend . From the above title you should be able to figure out which one . I was looking forward to it . It was okay . Also , I have recently seen Monsters . After being told it was being released on a certain date , and then a later certain date , and then a third later certain date , my brother found it on pay for view , so we ended up watching it at his house . You would think that watching it at someone 's house would be really cheap , but it was eight dollars . This is not cheap to me , since I usually watch new movies at a nearby theater for less than four dollars matinee , and more often than that just wait til things are at the dollar theater . Anyway , after all that waiting and wanting to see the thing , I was a bit disappointed . I liked the feel and look of it , and I don 't have a problem with the low budget and such , it 's just that after sitting through the whole movie I know just about as much as I did from watching the previews . Which is , mostly nothing , except that six years ago we sent a probe to get samples of some lifeform , then the probe crashed , leaving the lifeform to grow on Earth , mostly in the northern half of Mexico . There were hardly any action scenes in the movie , but for all of that time talking , no one said anything . No one said anything interesting about the creatures , and no one said anything interesting about themselves . We have your average jerk guy who apparently doesn 't know where babies come from til he ends up with a now six year old son , except that he still hasn 't figured out what not to do cause he 's still sleeping with random people . And we have daughter of the jerk 's boss , trying to get home after doing we don 't know what in we don 't know where and we don 't know why . And they wait til the last possible day , have their boat tickets stolen , and have to get home by land through this area where the creatures live . And that 's pretty much it . Also on the movie front we have Harry Potter coming up . But I can 't talk about that really , cause it hasn 't happened yet . I should have madPosted by I am not dead , I just haven 't posted in a while . I will have to do a catch - up post soon . Anyway , I had to go to the bank . Actually , I had to go to two different banks . The first one has limited parking , but a Taco Bell has just opened next door , and at three in the afternoon it has a lot of empty parking spaces . So I figured that I would park at the Taco Bell , run into the bank , and then go to the Taco Bell and have a snack . So I got some money from the bank and went to the Taco Bell . I hadn 't realized til then that I was even hungry . I ordered a drink and a taco and while I 'm waiting for them to make the taco I get a couple of napkins and some hot sauce and a straw and all of that sort of thing . And there is this guy doing pretty much the same thing , and I don 't much look at him or pay any attention to him . This is a bad habit , but I 'm sure that most women understand . You don 't look at people , and you for sure do not make eye contact with people . You especially do not make eye contact with guys . And you really , really do not make eye contact with random guys while you are alone . If you make eye contact with people , then they might start talking to you , and I don 't want to talk to anyone . And I really , really do not want to talk to random guys while I 'm alone . I just want to have a soda and eat my taco in peace and then leave and get on with my errands . So , I know that this is a bad habit . I don 't look at people , and I especially don 't look at random guys while I 'm alone . So , if two minutes later , the police come in looking for someone , even if they have a picture of the random guy that was just there , I wouldn 't be able to say that I had seen him . While I was up getting my food and such , I took no notice of him at all , other than to register that someone else was there and move around him . Now , once I had sat down with my food , and the other people in the restaurant had also sat down at other tables with their food , then maybe it is a little bit safer to look around . Cause , unless someone recognizes me from someplacePosted by Okay , the Cowboys are not literally ruining my life . Like , I have not been kicked out of my home to make way for a bigger stadium and / or parking lot . That happened to a lot of other people , but it did not happen to me personally . They are just making life annoying at times . The Rangers were annoying enough . Then the Rangers got a bigger ballpark and got more annoying . The Cowboys were in Irving , in a part of Irving right next to Dallas , and I hate Dallas , so I was rarely there . The Cowboys were still annoying , just not in the same way as the Rangers , as long as they were staying near Dallas were I would probably not have to deal with them or their fans or the traffic problems involved with games . But then they moved to Arlington . They moved to Arlington right next to stores that I shop at and restaurants I eat at and so forth . So they are now a problem for me . And as I care nothing for sports , I don 't remember which days they plan to be a bother , until it is too late to do anything about it . So today was one of those days . But it was early in the day , and we safely escaped from it all ( though it would have been nice to eat an early dinner in the area , but we decided against it ) . But they are still annoying , as right now I am not watching The Event and such on TV , cause my husband is watching the game . Yet another lie that he told me , so on top of all the other things I have to put up with from him , he now watches football games , even when there is something else to do or something better to watch . Anyway , the main reason for the football fans being a problem that had to be dealt with earlier in the day is that on top of whatever ridiculous price the fans paid for their tickets , they are expected to pay yet another $ 67 to $ 82 for parking their cars ( this amount will go up another twenty dollars for next year 's dreaded Super Bowl Game ) . And , while they have somehow been persuaded to give up whatever amount they paid for the tickets , they don 't really want to pay $ 67 - $ 82 just to park their cars . And it is a really big pPosted by I can 't believe I feel this bad . It has been almost four weeks now since my back started hurting . I don 't know what caused it , since it didn 't start hurting when I was doing anything interesting . Pain pills do not seem to do anything . I just seem to be in pain , except when I can get into certain positions , which isn 't very often because I can do little or nothing in those positions , except that I can sometimes sleep in two of them . Not knowing that I would feel this bad , I went out of town . I felt okay the day we came , but the next day I felt bad and now I feel bad . I don 't understand why I felt okay on Wednesday and pretty good in the car on Thursday , and then feel so bad on Friday and Saturday . My husband thinks it is because I 'm not sleeping in my own bed . But I was not sleeping in my own bed two weeks ago in Amarillo , and I did not feel so bad then . I just don 't get it . Today I did not even feel good when I first woke up . That is very unusual . First thing in the morning , I usually am too foggy to notice pain or illness much . I should be working on my costume , but so far I haven 't felt up to it . I have only the week left now to do it , plus making decorations , plus baking cookies , plus all of the things that I would normally have to do like laundry . And of course the house is in the usual mess , except that I have a lot of the mess neatly stacked , cause I had to move it out and away from the closets to make a clear path for the bug guy who came on Wednesday . I didn 't need to be here . I could have stayed home and slept in my own bed . But I thought a couple of days watching cable and using a hot tub would be nice . This is so damned annoying . Okay , so probably nobody else would like to celebrate the season the way I would . As much as I enjoy the Halloween Party , it might be better for me if it were some other time of year , like maybe in March . They are not so much into the ghosts and such . I guess my idea of a good Halloween get - together would be if we all dressed up mostly in black , lit candles , ate weird food on my spiderweb design plates while maybe the theme to The Exorcist played in the background , and then we all watched movies like The Initiation of Sarah and the Vincent Prince version of The Last Man on Earth . During my last trip out of town I turned on the Syfy channel , only to be disappointed in what they called The 31 Days of Halloween , which turned out that week to be some not very good movies , most of which didn 't seem to be much in the theme anyway . I guess they were only choosing from movies they had made themselves ( the before mentioned monster movies mainly about mutants and sea creatures passed over by Peter Benchley ) . Not impressed . But it was early in the month , and I can only hope that some decent vampire movies are coming later . So I 'm going to try to locate movies that I would want to watch in October . I will come back and add links as I find them . The Initiation of Sarah ( 1978 TV movie ) ( ending missing ) The Initiation of Sarah ( remake 2006 TV movie ) The Last Man on Earth I am home , while my husband is off in middle of nowhere Oklahoma . I was briefly very excited about nowhere Oklahoma and wanted to go too , as I wanted to go back to the Castle of Muskogee for their Halloween stuff . But as I looked more closely at the schedule , I saw that a trip to the Castle could not work , because the Castle is not open on Sunday night , and that would have been the best opportunity to go , as he is scheduled an hour and a half away on Friday and Saturday , the only nights that they are open . So I quit trying to figure out how I might get to the place and just stayed home to work . Of course I am not working , as my back still hurts . Maybe not as much as it did . Sometimes I think that whatever it is maybe getting better . Other times I just think that I am having a few good days , and then I 'll have a few bad ones . It is best to sit just a certain way in this chair ( so there has been a lot of Hulu and Youtube and such ) , or to stand up straight ( which does not happen very often cause how boring is it to just stand still somewhere ) , or to maybe walk around a bit at a mall or something , or to stay in bed in a certain positions . Those positions in bed are not good for watching TV or reading , so I 'm trying to stay out of bed , but eventually I am there watching TV or using the heating pad anyway . And of course I am trying to sleep some , which does not seem to want to happen at the right times . The first thing that happened after I decided to stay here is that I seem to have lost my marbles and forgot to pay rent . I could have sworn that was done before I left , but there was no money taken out of the account for it . And I thought that I had given it to the " temporary manager " , but as I got out of there fast and did not ask for a receipt , that might have been an earlier month . Anyway , paying that late means a lot of late fees , and I ended up paying eighty dollars for my mistake . She at first said a hundred , and I know that she could have even said a hundred and twenty , but " temporary manager " wasn 't around , so shePosted by First let me say that the baby formally known as the baby will now be known as Buddy . He is perhaps a little bit big to be called the baby , and as he now has a baby sister , calling him the baby would be confusing . Anyway , just as Buddy was getting used to his baby sister , she got a temperature of 101 , and apparently babies with temperatures above 100 . 4 get a trip to the hospital , even if there does not appear to be anything else wrong . And there does not appear to be anything else wrong , but they are not done looking . The baby 's temperature has gone back down , and if there is nothing else wrong she 'll get to go back home tomorrow or the next day . I will not say who the babies are or who their parents are . There are just too many weirdos out on the Internet , and I don 't intend to help them find their next targets . It just so happens that these are the only babies I 've had in my life since I 've been married . Not that most of my friends and family haven 't had babies , just somehow they haven 't had any when I was around . There are a few couples I am friends with who don 't want children , but most have either had them when I wasn 't around , or else they had babies and then somehow ended up not being friends anymore . It just seems to happen that way . Like people in the club who start families tend to stop being in the club . Family stuff is more important , and they just don 't have time for some of the social stuff they did before . So somehow there are these two babies who have come along at a time when I was not away on a long trip , and their parents didn 't up and move , and while they don 't have as much free time as they used to they haven 't completely disappeared . Now I have to be more careful about things . I 've had a flu shot . Not that I shouldn 't have a flu shot anyway , but in years past the decision to get one was made mostly on factors like whether or not I had the cash in my pocket when someone was given vaccinations at school or maybe Walmart . Anyway , I made a point of getting it this year , and now I 'm thinking about the Posted by I look forward to going out of town . Then I stress about going out of town , about the schedule , about how I didn 't get something done before I left , or about how I need to get back before a certain time . And then I get here and wonder what made me do this ? As much as I dislike being stuck at home all day , being stuck in a motel room all day usually isn 't any better . I brought projects with me , my Halloween costume and stuff that goes with it , but once I started working on it I realized that I didn 't have everything that I need with me , so that might not get done this week like I planned . Without my little projects to keep me distracted , I usually have a very boring day of watching TV . Not that the whole trip is boring . Monday I went to a certain restaurant . I 'd never been there before , and I 'll probably go there again , but now whenever the subject comes up , I can say that I 've been there . Probably Wednesday I will go to a state park , and probably Thursday I will go to someplace we once went to when I was a child . Then I can say how everything looks smaller . I 'll spend some time in the hot tub , and once in a while I 'll even have my husband with me . Saturday will be a bit of a hassle , but I didn 't want to go to on next week 's trip , so we have get home in time for him to get going again . Anyway , the plan is for me to spend most of Saturday at a mall so that we don 't have to spend money on this room , and then we 'll end up spending the night somewhere between here and home . I am sitting here trying to be somewhat quiet . I unexpectedly have someone sharing my bed this morning , as my husband came home a day early . He is still sleeping , and as usual for this time of day I am not . When I wrote my last post I was beginning my second week of being home after being away most of three weeks . My first week here my husband was here , and there was other stuff keeping me away from the house most of the time , so I did not get much done around here . The second week I was to have the place to myself , and as I had a lot of work to do and usually get more of it done when he is not here , that was to my liking . I did a lot of work that Monday . I attempted to move the washing machine so that I could clean behind it and paint . I was able to move it some , but not all the way , as that would have require cutting off the water and such , and I was afraid that without help I would somehow do something wrong , like get the hot and cold water backwards , so I did what cleaning I could and painted the spots I could reach , and then I put the washing machine back in it 's proper place . I did not quite finish painting the kitchen , as that would have required the ladder , and I don 't do that when I am alone in the house , just in case there is an accident . So there are small areas up near the ceiling and around the windows and such , and those will take patience , but other than that ( and the bit behind the washing machine that I couldn 't reach ) the kitchen walls are all painted , and I don 't plan on painting the ceiling . Having completed all of that task that needed to be done before putting the cabinet back in it 's usual spot , I moved the cabinet . The kitchen is now back to being mostly the way it was , and now I can think about what needs to be done to the new wall , if I want to add hooks or magnets or whatever . After all of that , the tiling under the sink still isn 't done . I did buy another cutting tool , but I haven 't used it yet . So still a lot of kitchen stuff is still tossed into the dinning area , which I can 't use becausPosted by Well , I 've been away for most of three weeks , and then this last week I was home , except that I didn 't spend much of my time actually at home , and I was busy , and I didn 't much of anything useful done around here . And after you have been away for most of three weeks , and then spend little of the fourth week at home and end up eating out , then you have to throw most of the stuff in the refrigerator away and buy groceries . So I was on my way to do that , except that I wanted to have a look at my luffa plant , and while I was in the backyard I stopped to talk to my neighbor for a bit . And then I waved bye and was headed to my car , and I noticed one of the other neighbors with her baby . She was knocking at my neighbor 's front door , and of course no one heard the knocking , because they were all in the backyard . So I said to the lady that they were in back . I don 't know this neighbor as well as the one I 'd just spoken to , in fact I mainly just wave at her and rarely talk to her other than at the annual meetings , and I don 't even remember her name . But I 've seen that this neighbor seems friendly enough with the other one , so I thought that she would just go on to the backyard . But either she didn 't hear what I 'd said , or going around to the backyard was too much for her to do , and she says that she has to run after her escaping dog , and could I hold the baby . Sure . And the lady got in her car and drove down the street , and I took the baby to my other neighbor 's backyard . Well , I don 't have a dog , but if I did have a dog and she got out , this would upset me and I would immediately run after her . I don 't have a baby either , but I guess if I did I would care a lot about her . Now , if I had both a dog and a baby , and if for some reason I could only look after one of them , I 'm assuming that I would favor the baby over the dog . Not that I wasn 't happy to help out and watch the baby , or at least watch the baby for a while til my other neighbor could watch the baby , as the other neighbor was the first choice for watching the baby insteaPosted by Okay , so I am home now , after having been away for most of three weeks . And I don 't quite know what to do . I don 't quite remember what it is that I 'm supposed to be doing . I have to think about things that I used to just get up and do . But I haven 't done them in three weeks , and I don 't remember what needed to be done or where things are and such . I 've forgotten to water the plants . I was away all that time , and the rain mostly took care of them , and a neighbor watered a few things , so that when I got home some of the plants were rather sad looking , but very few were dead , and those dead ones were mostly either things that I expected to die or things that I just didn 't care about anymore . The second thing that I did when I got home was water the plants . I gave them lots and lots of water . But then on Monday I totally forgot to get up and water the plants , and Tuesday I didn 't remember until I was doing something else and could not stop to check on the plants . So now I 'm sitting here remembering that I need to water the plants , and this is the time of day that I used to water the plants , only I can 't water them right now because it is dark outside . Why is it dark outside ? Okay , so I guess that it 's just that time of year that it stays dark longer , and I just didn 't notice that from the motel . But here , today , it is dark , and it is a surprise . So I 'm just sitting here worrying about my plants and not able to do anything about it . So I thought that I would sit here and try to be quiet , and do things like check my email and check a few other things . And I 'm sitting here , and I forgot my email address . Well , one of them anyway . I don 't use it much anymore , but I have to check it once in a while , and I have to know what it is to use some other things . And I 'm sitting here , and I just couldn 't remember . Not that I forgot my password , but I just couldn 't remember the email itself . I couldn 't remember where to go to check the email . I didn 't remember if it was gmail or yahoo or hotmail or fastmail . It was hotmail , but I sat hPosted by Okay , so after our week in Oklahoma City , he was scheduled to work one day here , followed by four days in a not so interesting place two hours away . But I got excited and planned that we should leave day earlier and have a whole day off here before he had to work . I cancelled that extra day after I learned that he was also scheduled to work the next week here , and I figured that we would have a day or two off ( and possibly more ) here without having to pay for it , so why add an extra day that we did have to pay for . It turns out that we only had that Sunday off ( and we had to spend two hours of that day off driving here before we could do anything fun ) and that he had to work Monday , which is usually a day off for him . And then we had a flat tire , which cost us another two hours off our fun time . So when I heard that the schedule had been changed and he might work in another place about two hours from here , and that we might have another day or two off here , at first I was happy about it . But that would have meant that I was going to miss the thing that my mother wanted me home for , after I had already told her the schedule and that we would be home in time for that . And really , it has been two weeks since I 've been home , plus I was only home for a day and a half after spending a week in Oklahoma , and so I 've been away from home for almost three weeks . So that 's almost three weeks of not doing any work ( other than making two and a half scarves ) , and three weeks of not eating spaghetti and yogurt and other such things that I am used to eating , and I missed doing the stuff I usually do with my friends this weekend , etc . . . . Two more days off here would have been great , but I guess that it 's time to go home anyway . So , I was not too disappointed when the schedule changes were made that did not include any time out of town next week . It will be good to be home . It will be good to sleep in my own bed with my own pillows , and take baths in my own bathtub , and eat spaghetti and yogurt and such . I am not sure what ( if anything ) wPosted by Wednesday through Saturday was spent in the middle of nowhere . Not as middle of nowhere as some places I have been , but not anyplace particularly wonderful , and not a tourist destination . There were two things there that I would want to do , and one of them was only open to visitors after lunch on certain days , so we were not able to do that at all due to scheduling problems . The other thing we did Thursday morning . The rest of our time off was either spent eating ( mostly Mexican food ) or doing nothing . The motel mostly sucked ( though I have been in much worse ) , but we knew what we would probably be getting , just that in our budget there weren 't any other options ( or the other options looked worse ) . But at least I had Syfy on cable , and other things on cable . ( Now that I am in the nice motel , there is no Syfy , and most of the rest of the cable sucks ) . At some point I tried to get some help from my cell phone company . I wanted the most basic of information , and they wouldn 't give it to me . I wanted to know which chargers work with which phones . I had my phone , but I 'd left my charger at home . I could use a different charger from the same company , but I just wanted to make sure they were compatible , cause I had been warned earlier that using the wrong charger would damage the phone ( and also I had prior experience damaging a tape recorder by leaving it charging for more than a week ) . So there should be lists somewhere of all the chargers that go with which phones , and which phones that can use what chargers , and there should be a master list of all the phones and all the chargers and which ones work together . But they refused to send me the list , because I could not give them some number off of my phone , which I could not read because my phone had no power . My phone had no power . That was the whole reason for asking about the chargers . There were suggestions of which buttons to push on the phone to get the number , or that I should call and talk to a real person , etc . . . . It took many exchanges before they seemed to undePosted by From the TV you would think that it was the 10th anniversary , but I counted on my fingers and it 's the 9th . I have already blogged about my 9 - 11 experience , so I don 't think that I 'll do that again . In case you were wondering where I was last week , we went to Oklahoma City . Oklahoma City is not that far away , and over the years we have been there many times . But I was watching the series Saving Grace , and I realized that I 'd never been to the memorial , where the Murrah Federal Building had been . My husband had been outside it , but never to the museum inside , and I had never been there at all . My husband was scheduled to work in Oklahoma City for a couple of weeks , and then another week , and then another . But during this time I had to be home because of the termites or because of the kitchen wall being fixed , or maybe just that I didn 't want to leave the plants that long without water . I said that if he went back again I wanted to go , and I wanted to go to the museum . I got to do a few other things . We went to a couple of restaurants that we like , and it was nice to have access to a pool for a while , and we had other things that we would have liked to do if we had stayed a day later ( which we didn 't do when we found out about this trip ) , but the main thing I had planned was going to the memorial . There 's a room with pictures of all the victims . And there 's a space for the family to put an item that might tell you something about the person in the picture . A golf ball , a baseball , another picture , a poem , a figurine , a Christmas ornament , a service pin , etc . . . . Two of the victims were Trekkies , cause they had little Starfleet ships next to their pictures . A few pictures had really odd things , like one girl had a credit card , and another girl had hairspray . And a few pictures didn 't have anything with them , but most of those were adults , and I thought maybe they just didn 't have family , or that they were not close with their family anymore , and so there was either no one to pick what should go with the picture , or no onPosted by I have just started my second scarf . I 've asked for help from my friends to find out if people I plan to give the scarves to actually want the scarves , but so far they haven 't responded . Most of them were having too much fun in Atlanta to bother with checking their email and such . I guess I 'll send another email out before I start the third scarf , and having an extra scarf won 't kill me . So at the motel before this one we changed rooms because we were supposed to get a whirlpool tub , but the jets didn 't work . They gave us an upgrade , and we ended up in a room made for handicapped guests , so we had the extra large whirlpool tub for two . So that was nice . But the water wasn 't very hot , and the cable sucked , and the frig didn 't really work . It never got really cold , and it had old frig smell . Not really sure how to do describe it , sort of chemical , sort of just bad , and it just comes from refrigerators that are either old or haven 't been used in a while . And everything in it picked up this smell , so I had to throw out anything that we put in there . But we were lucky that we hadn 't done any major grocery shopping , and that we only had to throw out a few things that we brought from home and a couple of half empty sodas . So , in spite of having a really helpful front desk girl and an owner who did try to make up for the inconvenience , we will probably not go back to that motel when we head back to that area Sunday . The place we are staying at now isn 't that great , and we knew that going in , but this was the only place here that we found in our budget on Priceline . com . And I thought that would be better than just roaming around town asking for a room under fifty dollars . At least this place has better cable , and there is plenty of hot water . Sometimes the Internet here is weird . Sometimes it is just slow or something doesn 't load images or whatever . It is annoying . And this is the new computer , so I know that it is them and not me . The remote control didn 't work the first day . Okay , as it turns out , I was using the wrong remotPosted by Big surprise . But it 's just the reason for her being unhappy . Okay , she 's been telling me that something is going to happen in October . She told me months ago that something is going to happen in October . She repeats this several times . Okay , got it , something is happening in October . The something isn 't happening to me , and it isn 't happening to her , it 's happening to someone else in the family . It doesn 't really have anything to do with me , it is going to happen regardless of what is going on with me at the time , I don 't need to be there , etc . . . . Okay , so now apparently , the thing is not going to happen in October , it is going to happen later this month , and I 'm going on a trip , and then another trip , and for all I know after that week I 'll go on another trip . I have no way of knowing that stuff very far in advance . My husband 's schedule gets posted on Wednesdays , so that you know what you are doing that week and the next week , but you don 't know what you are doing the week after next until the schedule is posted on Wednesday , and even then there are changes which sometimes happens at the last minute . So I might know where I am headed for the next day , I know where I plan to spend that week . Right now I know where we plan to spend the rest of this week and the next week and we would have to think about coming home probably a week from Sunday . And now it is Thursday , so I 've seen the schedule , but at the time I talked to my mother I hadn 't seen it yet , and there was a possibility that schedule posted on Wednesday would have meant another week in the same area or a week that is someplace closer to where we are now , and then there would have been no point in going home . Anyway , I 'm planning to be gone for about two weeks . That is the plan . Plans change . I have no way of knowing . Before I left and I talked to my mother ( and she was already not very happy with me ) , the plan was that I would only be gone this time for one week . See ? Plans change . The plan at the time was to leave on Sunday and come back a week from eithePosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
My last post was on Thursday , when Ben was running a low - grade temp and I was looking forward to spending Friday with my mom and sister . Ben 's temp was gone on Friday so we 're thinking it was just teething . I had a nice time with my mom and sister , although it was hard to go shopping for wigs . She found one that she really like and it looked very nice on her and she also found a couple of nice scarves that she liked . Here 's where the fun begins . Friday evening , I went into our bedroom to take my little break and the boys were playing with their daddy . I noticed I was feeling achy and was thinking I was probably coming down with whatever Ben had . When I went back to the living room to start getting the boys ready for bed , I was shivering pretty badly so I knew the fever was coming on . We did a very quick bedtime routine and , by the time we got downstairs , I was shaking uncontrollably . The shaking went on from about 8 : 00 pm until around 11 : 00 pm and my fever just kept going up , up , up . The last time we took it , before the ambulance came , it was at 104 . 9 and the right side of my chest was hurting so badly when I took a breath that I was hyperventilating . I felt like I could not get enough air and it hurt really badly and I was scared . This was my first ride in an ambulance and I wouldn 't recommend it . It was miserable , especially because I was in so much pain . I could not even move . They had to lift me onto the gurney , which was very painful . They kept assuring me that I was getting enough air , my blood oxygen level was fine and I needed to focus on slowing down my breathing and taking deep breaths . Easy for them to say . I could not take a deep breath because it hurt too badly . I am taking a pretty serious antibiotic to cover the pneumonia and also some other , very odd , psudeomonas ( ? sp ) infection that showed up in my first blood sample . That has them very stump because it is pretty rare and they would normally not expect to see that unless the person had been on a ventilator . I think we all decided it was a fluke and , most probably from a contaminated blood draw although , even then , it is very very rare . So that is just a freaky thing ( actually , this whole thing was a freaky event ) . They even sent an infectious disease doctor to talk to me about it yesterday , just to be on the safe side . It never showed up again though , so that is good news . To make the situation a bit more complicated , my husband is doing his two weeks on - call at the hospital right now , so he has to do hospital rounds everyday , even Sat and Sun . My sister raced up here on Friday night to stay with the boys Friday night and on Saturday and a neighbor rushed over until she got here . A friend from a Bible study I was in stayed with them on Sun and Mon . My niece , Jana , came last night and will be staying with us for a while , which is such a blessing . My sister dropped her off , along with a meal that she cooked and another meal that a friend of hers cooked for us . When I got home from the hospital the boys were just waking up from their naps ( not downstairs yet ) and I was feeling a bit queasy from this antibiotic so I immediately went to lay down for a few minutes . When I heard them out there , I could not stay in here another minute . I had to go see my boys . I missed them so much and have been worried about them , from an attachment perspective . They were both so happy to see me , it was heart warming . I held them for a while and sat with them while they ate their lunch and then they went off to play so I sneaked away to rest for a little while . . . . and now I am telling you all about it : ) . So , that was my hospital adventure . Exciting huh ? Everyone is warning me to be very careful not to over do things . It is going to be hard because , right now , I just feel like lying in bed , yet when I hear my niece tell the boys that " mommy 's taking a break " and then hear them crying for me , it breaks my heart . That 's what I told her to say because they know what that means and I didn 't want them thinking I had left again . I know they missed me and they missed the consistency we had in our lives for the past 6 months and I still feel that they need that so badly . It worries me . . . and I want to be with them . I missed them so much . Did I say that already ? Ben woke up from his nap with a fever yesterday . My husband has felt like he was fighting a cold so maybe Ben picked up something from him . Ben actually slept pretty good last night . . . better than I did anyway . He woke up crying at 11 : 00pm and didn 't seem that he would be stopping on his own so I went up to him . He stopped as soon as I picked him up and he didn 't feel hot so his Motrin was still working . But Nick heard / saw me so he woke up crying too and wanting to be held . I put Ben back into his bed and told them both it was night night time , patted them on the back , told them soothing things , etc . They still screamed and cried when I left . I cringed and waited around and they stopped pretty quickly , thankfully . I heard Ben again around 3 : 00 ( very briefly ) and then around 4 : 00 ( a little less briefly , but still somewhat brief ) , at which time I went upstairs , thinking I would need to give him another dose of motrin , but then I didn 't hear him again so I went back to bed , although could not get back to sleep . My husband 's alarm went off at 4 : 45 and I gave up after that . We went to OKC yesterday for the apostilles for our post placement reports . I will be FedEx - ing them out this morning to arrive on Monday . They are due on Tuesday so we are one day early , which is too close for comfort for me . I learned some lessons from this first report . Next time we will start earlier , I will make sure I have a copy of the SW guidelines with me when the SW comes to my house to discuss how everything is going , I will make sure I get to review the reports in advance and I will make sure to set a target completion date at least two weeks before the reports are due . Hopefully that will allow us to still get them in at least a week in advance , in the event of any issues . I am almost done reading the Genesis of a Legacy book by Ken and Steve Ham . It is such an excellent book , I will be sad to finish it , will refer to it in the future and likely reread it at some point . I am anxious to look at the other books they have available . My mom and sister are coming for a visit today and I will be taking my mom to shop for a wig to wear when she loses her hair to the chemo . Her first treatment is Tuesday . I can 't think about it too much because it makes me cry . I know that 's not what she needs right now so I just have to continue to pray for her and provide encouragement , support and mostly lots of love . I ran into a lady yesterday at the grocery store who is a three time survivor of breast cancer . She told me a bunch of useful and interesting information , including the name of a good place to shop for a wig nearby . She was very sweet . Her first bout with cancer was when she was 32 years old and nursing one of her children . She has been cancer free now for 5 years . She was very encouraging . My husband is on call at the hospital for the next two weeks , including weekends , so there will be no rest for the weary for a while : ) . He has to do hospital rounds every morning so I won 't be going to church for two weekends . I can 't take a stroller in and it would just be impossible for me to take the boys by myself when they are still this young . If one decided that he was just not going to go ( in or out ) , I would not be able to handle picking them both up . They are so heavy now , I can only carry them both at the same time if I get them from their beds or can sit one of them on the changing table or something and , even then , I can 't carry them for very long . I am hoping that this virus Ben has will pass our home quickly this time and that we won 't be shut indoors for a couple of weeks like we were last time . Nick and Ben , using a fork to eat their PB & J sandwich . They tend to eat more of their sandwich if they use a fork . Not sure if it is because they don 't like messy hands or just a fascination with forks and spoons , although Nick does not care for messy hands and wants me to wipe them if he gets something on them . Don 't they look so big ? I can 't believe how much they have grown in 6 months . I bought these two pairs of Old Navy jean shorts at a second hand place for $ 1 . 30 . . . . not $ 1 . 30 each , but $ 1 . 30 for both ! That has to be one of the best buys I have ever made . Nick , showing off his milk mustache and maybe a milk beard too : ) , after drinking out of his open cup . They enjoy doing this but I only do it maybe once a day or so because they just don 't drink as much that way . They end up sipping so they don 't spill it and they don 't drink enough . So I will keep letting them practice more and more and , eventually , we 'll get there . Until then , we use the cups with a lid and straw most of the time . The boys received a gift last week from a good friend of mine from Houston . She sent them a John Deere barn , that came with a tractor , small wagon to pull behind the tractor , bail of hay , horse , goat ( which I thought was a cow at first : ) and a rooster . It also came with a field of corn and , when you move the water facet to " water the corn " , the corn " grows " . Hard to explain but it is really cute . They also have this thing about flashlights . I happened to find one the other day ( well , two actually ) made for 1 . 5 years and up . One is shaped like a zebra and the other is shaped like an alligator . When you turn them on , they make cute sounds . The alligator says " chomp chomp chomp mmmmmmmmm yum yum yum " . The boys love their new flashlights and these have automatic shutoff mechanisms so hopefully we won 't be having to change out the batteries as often as we have been doing for the real flashlights . This morning , the boys learned how to climb the ladder and go down the slide by themselves , with close supervision from mom . It was very cute . They were so excited and , when it was time to come in , Nick had quite the meltdown , which wasn 't so cute . I never seem to get around in time to do much before their 11 : 00 nap time . So today I thought it would be nice to get them outside to play in the morning , when it was cool , and they would be worn out for nap and would sleep really well . They got worn out alright , but sooner than I anticipated . When we got back into the house , they were both crying and it was pretty chaotic . They calmed down and had their snack and then it was nap time , which was still pretty much on time , but they were not into it at all . Ben ended up hitting his mouth on the crib rail . I heard the " I 'm hurt " wail over the baby monitor and rushed upstairs to find him bleeding . I was holding him and dabbing his lip with a kleenex and he was smiling and ready to play again . So I put him back in the crib and they both cried again when I left them . They finally settled down and are still napping , thankfully . I definitely won 't be doing this again anytime soon . I have been wanting to move their nap out so that it is after they eat lunch but they just can 't seem to make it that long . They apparently are also not quite ready for a lot of activity before their nap . Whew ! I learned my lesson ! For now , I will leave well enough alone and continue to give them a hearty snack before their nap and lunch after their nap . Sometimes I feel that I am feeding them lunch twice . But I guess we will go with this for now . When we were outside playing on Sunday evening , Nick was bitten by a mosquito near the edge of his eye brow and the outer edge of his eye . Monday it looked fine . Yesterday he woke up with a very swollen , red eye lid . It was pretty nasty looking . Doctor dad said it had gotten infected so now Nick is taking an antibiotic . It looked a little better this morning but is still swollen and red . When they played outside in their wading pool yesterday evening , we lit one of those candles that keeps the mosquitoes away . I didn 't see any new bites on Nick today , yea ! I had my first physical therapy session for my back yesterday . It went well and the guy really knows what he is doing . He gave me a ton of exercises , of which I will find it a challenge to do each day , because there are sooo many of them . I did them during nap time yesterday and my back hurt worse afterwards . I guess that is to be expected for a while . I will go back in a week . He plans to add more exercises . It has occurred to me that , in order for this to work , I will have to continue to do these " core strengthening " exercises FOREVER . Yuck . I 'm so not into this . I mean , really , how many things can you fit into one nap time ? ? ! ! I like to eat my lunch when the boys are napping and I like to watch a bit of news and maybe spend a little time on the computer . Sometimes I plan the rest of our day and dinner during this time . And then there is a bit of house cleaning and laundry that sometimes needs to be done and sometimes some outside chores . There is also any phone conversations , because there is just no way to have a decent conversation when the boys are awake . So that includes talking to friends and family and scheduling any appointments to fix something around the house or doctors or whatever ( I still have not scheduled an appointment to have my hair highlighted ! ) . And all of this has to be done during a two hour nap ! ! Some of it can be done in the morning , before they wake up , depending on how long they sleep that day . Some of it can be done in the evening , when my husband gets home . But there is very little time during those two time frames to get anything done . And now , I have to add these exercises that I should be doing twice a day . . . . for the rest of my life ! Again , I say Yuck . There is just not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to be done , but I guess that is just the life of a parent , right ? Yes , I am still learning . I am continuing to work on our post placement reports . Our SW made a first stab at them and had finalized them and had them notarized last week . Turns out she left out sections 2 - 4 of the report and she did one report for both boys , which is not acceptable for Russian adoptions . I sent her a list of typos and other corrections that I wanted included , when she redid them , and asked her to email the next version to me for review before finalizing them . She emailed them to our adoption agency for their review but not to me . Our adoption agency wanted my approval before they were OK with them so our SW sent them to me for review . I reviewed them this morning . She had corrected the typos but had not included any of the other things I had requested to section 1 . After reviewing sections 2 - 4 , I sent her my original list of requested changes for section 1 , in addition to a couple of things for sections 2 - 4 . I don 't mean to be picky about this post placement report but I was a bit frustrated because we had not even discussed many of the things she wrote . It felt like she was just putting in some canned phrasing , rather than really discussing it with me and putting in something accurate for us . Next time we do our post placement report , I will have a copy of our agency 's guidelines in front of me and make sure I talk through each section with her . Maybe nobody really reads these anyway . I don 't know . But if we have to do them and we have to pay to have them done , I feel that it should be accurate and honest , even if that means a little more work . This morning I was awakened by a throbbing thumb . I had a hangnail that had bugged me for a couple of days and I cut it off as closely as possible on Friday or Saturday . Last night when I went to bed , my thumb felt perfectly fine . No soreness at all . This morning it was throbbing so badly all the way up to my wrist , I could not believe it . Following instructions from my doctor husband , I got up and took an antibiotic . It was so sore all morning , I had a hard time doing many things and bumped it several times , which hurt terribly . It is now noon here and , amazingly enough , the pain in my thumb is almost gone . Is that amazing or what ? You really don 't realize how much you use your thumbs until something bad happens to one of them . I guess that is true about a lot of things . We take so much for granted . My mom will have a port put in tomorrow , in preparation for chemo , which will start soon after . She has to have chemo four times in three months . We are disappointed that she has to have it at all but also thankful that she does not have to have it more often . The cancer was an aggressive type of cancer so they are highly recommending that she have the chemo . After the three months is up , she will start 7 weeks of daily ( 5 days a week ) radiation . It is hard to believe , for all of us . She said that she feels like it is a dream or something . It does not feel real . It is something she never expected . . . none of us did . As common as cancer is these days , it is still one of those things that you never think will happen in your family , especially when it does not run in your family . It is a very sad thing but I am thankful that we have good medicines and therapies at our disposal . We are praying that the chemo will not make her sick . The boys played in their sandbox yesterday evening , while I was weeding the nearby flower beds . They had a great time . Nick started climbing in and out on his own , which is a bit of a feat , since one must climb over a row of large rocks to get to the sandbox . He was having fun climbing on the rocks . So Ben decided it looked like fun and he wanted to try too . He is not quite as physically coordinated yet so it was a bit harder for him . He fell a couple of times and I had to go help him up . They played in their little pool after the sandbox and were climbing in and out of that too . They are just so in to climbing everything now and especially wanting to try to climb up and down stairs upright , like adults do . They are very close to being able to do this . They can go up but down is a bit scary . If we had a stair rail they could reach , I think they could do it . Nick can now open most doors in the house but not the ones that go outside , thankfully . Although I am happy that he is hitting these physical milestones on track , I find this accomplishment somewhat annoying : ) . It 's hard to believe Ben will be 2 years old in September . Wow , time flies by so fast . I didn 't think this the first couple of months they were home but now I feel it . We left them in their nursery class again at church on Sunday . Nick cried for a few minutes . We stood around the corner and listened for a few minutes and he stopped before too long . The caregivers said both the boys had fun playing and did fine while we were gone . They did not cry when we picked them up but were happy to see us . Nick saw me first and ran towards the door saying " momma momma " . When Ben saw me , he got a huge smile on his face and then looked past me , wondering where his daddy was . It was cute . They are both still eating really well and they eat just about anything . I keep waiting and wondering when this will change . I 'm expecting it sometime within the next 6 months or so . We 'll see . They are using words more and more to ask for things , rather than whining . Yesterday , Ben wanted something that he could not reach in the toy basket . He came over to me and said " mama , pweeeze " , with a big grin on his face . It was the first time that he remember to do this totally on this own . That is a very rewarding experience . I love to hear them talk . Sometimes , when Nick wakes up first , I 'll hear him over the baby monitor , singing in his crib . There are not recognizable words but he is definitely singing and it sounds so sweet . Wow , what a day ! My husband was off today so we planned a family outing . We packed up a ton of stuff and headed up towards " the farm " , where many in my family live . There is a gated community near there on the lake , which has a very nice pool and to which my brother and his family have access , along with their guests ( us ) . My sister , nephew and niece joined us and we really had a great time . We had bought life jackets for the boys but we only used them for about half the time we were there . They kept riding up , they were cumbersome and we were holding them the whole time so we took them off after a while . Ben was a bit cautious at first but it didn 't take him long to start enjoying himself . Nick was laughing and excited from the time we arrived until the time we left . Both boys enjoyed standing on the side of the pool and stepping in , almost like jumping but not quite . They haven 't learned to jump yet . After swimming , we went to a local hamburger place to get a bite to eat . My brother , dad ( Papa ) and step - mom ( Mimi ) joined us . The boys enjoyed seeing their Papa and Mimi . After eating , we went for a quick visit with my grandmother . My uncle ( dad 's brother ) , Aunt and cousin were there , so we were able to visit with them for a little while too , which was an added bonus . After that , we stopped by my dad 's farm and took the boys for a four - wheeler ride . They enjoyed it but , by this time they were getting verrrry tired . Nick had slept about 20 or 30 minutes on the dive to the farm and Ben had not slept at all . Normally they would have had at least a 2 to 3 hour nap by this time , so we were on borrowed time , if you know what I mean . After the four - wheeler ride , we went in for a short visit . . . very short , because the boys were ready to crash by this time . The trip home is about 90 minutes long , give or take 15 minutes depending on traffic . The boys were asleep within about 10 minutes but we had to stop for gas . We were about half way home when we stopped and they never went back to sleep . We got home , fed them and put them to bed as quickly as possible . Another opposite for the boys : When Ben gets really really tired , he walks around with little eyes that look like they are going to shut any minute , he plays quietly ( normally ) , he is very stubborn about anything and everything , seems relieved to get into his crib and falls asleep really fast without a whimper . When Nick is really really tired , he gets wound up faster and faster , is much more volatile with his moods and gets upset over the smaller thing , is upset about having to get into his crib ( which is also the case a lot of times when he has had his sleep ) and he takes much longer to fall asleep than normal . When they have the amount of sleep they need , Nick normally falls asleep really fast and Ben has a harder time falling asleep . I think I just invented a new word . I have been thinking lately about introvert moms versus extrovert moms and their introvert and extrovert children . I am an introvert . When I have taken the tests in the past , I have scored just on the border of introvert / extrovert , but on the introvert side . That 's when I was working and single . I think when I quit my job and we moved to Oklahoma , I took a deeper dive into introvertedness . I do enjoy being with people and compete with the best of them , when it comes to talking up a storm . I am also usually pretty good at shooting the breeze with someone I have just met . Many people have been shocked when they have heard me say I am an introvert at heart . I guess I can play the part of an extrovert at times . I know I am truly an introvert at heart though because , when I have spent a good deal of time with others , I end up feeling tired and I crave alone time to re - energize . My husband is the same way . We have both noticed that Ben seems to be a lot like this too . He is content to play by himself , away from others in the room , and tends to do this after spending a lot of time with others too . On the other hand , Nick seems to be the extrovert of our family . If he and Ben are in the library playing and Ben goes into the living room , Nick will soon follow , walk right over to where Ben is playing and sit down next to him and start playing with something . I have mentioned before that , if Ben is awake and Nick is sleeping , Ben is content to play by himself for a bit and let me get some things done . If Nick is awake and Ben is asleep , Nick wants to hang out with me or for me to play with him . The latest thing around our house these days is that Nick is very into climbing everything he can . He has figured out that climbing can get him to some pretty good places and he tries to climb pretty much anything now . He can now climb into the chairs at the kitchen table , as well as just about every chair and couch in the house , except for the high chairs at the island and his highchair ( but he keeps trying ) . Actually , I am tired of the high chairs and I really want to get booster chairs so they can sit at the table with us . I think they would really like that a lot too and it might save on my back a bit , especially if they can learn to climb up by themselves . Nick will have no problem and Ben will pick it up soon after he sees Nick do it . On Saturday , I am going to check at this second hand baby store and see if they have any booster seats . I hate to pay full price for stuff like this . We 'll keep the high chairs for a little while longer though , just in case we need them . We have friends coming for a visit in a couple of months and they have a little one who might need one . The other thing is that I am moving the boys away from sippy cups when we are at home . We will still use them when we are out and about but , for here at home , we are done with them . Today I switched them to a cups with lids and straws and , for one meal , a plain old smallish cup with no lid . Nick really liked the regular , no lid , cup the best and I kept having to pour more milk into his cup because he was really into drinking out of it . I only poured a little at a time , maybe two inches , but he did pretty well with it . He only tipped it up too far and got it all over his face once , so that 's not bad for a first try . I will be giving them the plain old cup more and more until they become pros with it . I figure we had to do it when we were little , because they didn 't have sippy cups , so they can do it too . I 'm sure I will have to clean up some messes but , hey , that 's what moms do . My number one reason for doing this now is that I know it will help them tremendously with their pronunciation , which they need . Number two is that I don 't like cleaning sippy cups and Nick is biting through his cups anyway so I would have to buy more soon . He also bites the straw but those are cheaper : ) . I think they will do great with regular cups and I 'm looking forward to the switch . Do you think this child loves hats ? ? He loves to play with hats and wear hats around the house . He had these two hats on for quite a while . Here is a picture of the boys , sitting on a rug in our bathroom , while mom gets ready for the day . They do very well with this but I have only done it twice so far . My preference is to have my stuff done when they wake up but I am not always that on the ball . This makes for a nice back up plan . We keep lots of little toys in the pictured lock box and they forget to play with them so this makes a good thing to keep them busy for a while . Sorry for the bad focus in this picture but I could not resist including it . This is Nick , trying to figure out how to put this toe - divider thingy ( used for toe nail painting ) between his toes . I got quite a kick out of this . Ben did it too but I was not fast enough to get his picture . Six months ago today , we were going to court . For some reason , this has made me very teary eyed this morning . I would never have guessed or began to understand that six months later we would be so very blessed . What a privilege God has given us . . . . and a huge responsibility . I feel incredibly blessed . Six months seems to be a big milestone for us . The boys seem much more attached than ever , which is to be expected I guess . In the past , when people came to visit and would get ready to leave , the boys would get upset and start crying , as if they thought we were leaving them or someone might take them . It was similar when we went to visit someone else 's house , as if they were afraid they might be left behind . Today , they happily wave and say " dye dye " , or something like that . The fear is gone and they seem confident that they are with us for good . They are more comfortable with others and there is true joy when they are playing with our family and friends . We had been staying with them again , in their class at church since they had been promoted to a new class , new teachers , new kids who are more at their level and able to put up a fight for a toy : ) . This past Sunday , we left them in their new class for the first time . N started to get a bit uneasy but one of the teachers picked him up and started working a puzzle with him . We kissed them both goodbye and told them we were going to our class but we would be back to get them later . Much to my surprise ( shock ) , neither of them cried at all , the entire time we were gone ! And , they did not cry when we came back to get them ! Now I will be very surprised it that happens every Sunday , but I think it is a very good sign . We still get lots of " are they twins " questions , when we are out and about . My niece , who stayed with us for a couple of days recently was surprised at how often the question comes up . I proudly say , " no , we built our family through adoption and they are six weeks apart " . Things are going pretty well these days . The boys are both behaving pretty well and we are all having a lot of fun together . I have noticed that they do better when we are able to get out and do things more often . When we spend too much time in the house , they get bored after a while , understandably . I am thankful that the rain seems to be letting up these days . The other thing I am working on is teaching them to use words to ask for things , rather than the grunting or , more often than not , whining . We still have a long way to go on this one but they are picking it up . They are already saying peeeze and thank you a lot , which is great , but they are still learning to talk so we are learning as we go . They will say " peeeeeeeeze ! " but I am left to wonder " peeeze what ? " most of the time . They can say the word but they don 't seem to think of it most of the time , meaning they can say " cookie " , for instance , but they don 't say " peeze cookie " , they just say " peeze " and point to the cabinet where the cookies are kept . They are both very smart and quick learners though , so I 'm sure it will click soon . Actually , Nick was in his high chair yesterday and said " peeze cracker " , which was the first time he had put two words together . I was telling Ben how to ask for a cracker politely when this happened so Nick had a little help , but I was still impressed and pleased to see he picked it up so quickly . And , on the mom front , I feel that I am doing a better job of being consistent and maintaining my composure these days . Maybe it is a phase but it just feels like something has " clicked " lately . It doesn 't mean that I don 't get annoyed at times but I just feel more calm and feel that I am handling the situations better . I am also praying more , which is the best thing I can do and I am sure this is why things are better . It feels good . I am enjoying being a mom more than ever and I am loving my boys more than ever . Today was busy , as expected , although I did not get as many things done as I had hoped . I went to Walmart , mainly to get the pictures for the post placement report printed . The CD that had the pics on it also had a bunch of other pics that I have printed over the weeks . Unfortunately , I can write to this CD but I cannot delete anything , so there are lots of pics on it . So , to make it easy , I put all of the pics I needed for the placement report into one folder and copied the folder to the CD . I loaded the CD into the Walmart machine and , no folder . Where 's the folder ? The machine flattens all of the folders and only shows the files . So the 18 pictures that I needed to print were somewhere amongst the tons of other pictures on the CD . It would have taken me too long to figure out which 18 to print , since I had two toddler boys waiting for me . So , I will be returning to Walmart tomorrow . Oh joy . I also did not find any decent toddler boy clothes at Walmart , nor did I find a life jacket their size . Three strikes and I 'm out . I got my groceries and went home . On the brighter side , I planted the four little plants and even bought a bag of mulch from Walmart and mulched them too . That was a big accomplishment , considering how my back is feeling these days . ( I am AGAIN laying on an ice pack , as I write this . ) The mulching just about did me in . There is no way I should have been doing this today but it looked like it was going to pour down rain again and I didn 't want my mounds of new , good dirt to disappear in the rain . My husband planted the two crape myrtles and the hibiscus and I planted the four smaller plants in front of them . I had the boys outside with me while I was mulching . The neighbor came out to visit and meet the boys . Our neighbors on the other side had already met them many months ago but it 's been a while since we have seen the other neighbor . So we are standing there talking and she is asking me lots of questions about the boys and the final part of the process ( she couldn 't believe they had already been home 6 months and she didn 't know it . . . I can 't either . . . we just have not seen them in a while ) . And she was talking to the boys and asking me about their personalities . And it was starting to rain these really big drops , but not too hard , not hard enough to make you run inside . The boys were loving it . They were walking into the muddy flower bed , trying to push the wagon with the mulch , talking to the neighbor and Ben kept throwing Nick 's Ya Ya into the muddy flower bed . All the while I am trying to quickly mulch the mounds around the newly planted plants ( the four I planted today and three of the ones my husband planted yesterday ) , while trying not to mess up my back even more and retrieving Nick 's Ya Ya from the dirt / mud , plus I already had a casserole in the oven so I was trying to hurry before it burned . It was kind of funny at the time . The boys especially enjoyed being out there because they have been watching their daddy from the window , while he has been working out there for several weekends , replacing gutters and drains . They kept looking in the window into the kitchen . It was funny . so little time : ) . This is going to be a busy week . My husband is taking off on Friday so I only have four days to get everything done , including : shopping for a few new clothes for the boys ; I 'm doing laundry twice a week for them right now . . They just keep growing ! ! What 's up with that ? ? ! ! ( I don 't enjoy shopping when I have to take them with me . . . I have to be very very quick : ) , Nick has a little stuffed giraffe that we got in Russia and he just loves it and sleeps with it all the time . Quite some time ago , I started calling it his " buddy " , since lovey just sounded a little girlie to me and every boy should have a buddy : ) . Anyway , I have noticed lately that he seems to call it his " Ya Ya " , which really surprised me because it does not sound anything like " buddy " . When he says " bye bye " , it sounds more like " dye dye " so , if he was trying to say buddy , I would think it would sound like it started with a " d " . So when he was just getting ready for nap , I could not find it anywhere . He was in his crib saying " Ya Ya ? , Ya Ya ? " . It broke my heart that I could not find it . He was not crying about it or anything but he definitely wanted to know where it was . When I finally found it , I sneaked into his room and put it in his crib right next to him : ) . I love to watch them sleep : ) . Lauri , did you say that Livi calls her lovey a Ya Ya ? For some reason , this sounded very familiar to me and I was thinking maybe that 's where I had heard it . I 'll have to go search your blog and see if I can find it . No rain here today but it sure is hot . We went to a local nursery to pick out a few new plants for an area we are redoing , due to drainage issues and the fact that it looked pretty bad anyway . So we were walking around out in the direct sunlight for a while and the boys really started sweating a lot . We gave them plenty of water and tried to keep them in the shade as much as possible but they really sweat a lot more than we do and , according to my husband ( the doctor ) , they dehydrate a lot faster than we do . I did not know this . They are napping now and I am laying down with an ice pack on my back because I have an old injury that has reared it 's ugly head . I think the fact that the boys are getting heavier is contributing to this issue . I am fine when just lifting them up but leaning over to put them into their car seats , stroller and high chair is getting to me . This makes me feel very old . . but I was only probably around 29 or 30 when I injured my back initially . Thinking I was invincible , I bent over and lifted the end of a sleeper couch to pull it across the living room . I very quickly fell to the floor in a lot of pain . I now have a bulging disk in my back . It took a very long time to quit hurting after this injury . Over the years , there have been several times that I have done something to re - injure it , such as leaning over to put something very heavy in the trunk of my car , bending over for hours to weed and mulch and plant stuff , etc . Each time , it takes a good amount of time for it to heal again . The moral of the story is , even if you are only in your 20 's or 30 's , you can still seriously injure your back . Once you do , it is a permanent injury that will haunt you for the rest of your life . So be very very careful and keep your core in shape : ) . And don 't think your invincible . I went to the doctor last week about this because it has been bothering me now for over a year ( probably started from all of the gardening work I did last spring ) , it 's been getting worse lately and I finally got tired of the throbbing nerve pain that runs down the sides of my legs and into my ankles . Next stop is to the place where they will give me the right exercises to build my core muscles without making it worse and to teach me some proper lifting methods so I won 't perpetuate the problem . I 'm still not quite sure how I will do this with two little boys in tow . Boy , it just sounds like a party around here lately doesn 't it ? ? I haven 't been in the best of moods today and I 'm afraid it is reflected in my writing . The good news is that the ice maker decided to start working again this morning ! ! Yay ! ! That is one of the highlights of the day . The other highlight of the day is listening to my son on the monitor , as he is getting ready to fall asleep for nap , saying " mama mama " in such a sweet voice . He was not upset , just talking . They are so sweet . I don 't know how it is possible but I love them more every day . New experiences in the past 4 years is an easy one , since I 've had a lot of them . I was made manager of a group of about 30 people at the company where I worked , which was a big challenge ( I was managing 4 people at the time ) and the new manager job was not a job I applied for , although I appreciated it and learned a lot about people . I was married to the love of my life 2 . 5 years ago and I quit my job / career 1 . 5 years ago , which were both very big and very positive things in my life . And last , but not least ( these are in the order in which they occurred ) , I became a mom to two little , adorable boys on January 17th of this year . Lots of big , wonderful changes in my life over the past 4 years and they were all truly gifts from God . New experiences I hope to have in the next 4 years is a little harder for me . After our marriage , our most pressing goal was to have children , which we now have . I have not thought much past that , as far as goals in my life go . This may seem kind of sad to some people but I 've been pretty busy : ) , trying to learn how to be a good mom to two toddler boys , learning about my children and what kind of personalities they have , trying to still be a good wife , and all that other stuff that comes with marriage and children : ) . Being a good mom is , by far , the biggest challenge I have ever had in my life . God is really working on me and it is at times painful , but it is also very rewarding and I love it ( at least most of the time . . . we all have our moments : ) . So , new experiences , let 's see . . . . Well , I am really looking forward to experiencing the holidays ( Thanksgiving and Christmas ) with our children . I am looking forward to the holidays this year more than I ever have before , as an adult . Having children to share the experience with just gives you a whole new perspective and excitement about it . The second thing that comes to mind is that our children will be around 6 years old in four years so another experience that would qualify is homeschooling . We are planning to homeschool our children so this will be a very new experience for me and I am hoping I am up to the task . I am looking forward to taking some fun vacations with our sons and seeing the world through their eyes , which is so fun and interesting ( we 're taking our first vacation to Arizona in October , so our sons can meet their Aunt and cousins in Tucson and also many of my husband 's long time friends . And , I am looking forward to seeing how God uses all of these changes and events to mold me and help me grow and mature as a Christian over the next four years . I started writing this the other day but then got interrupted and am just now getting back to it . The other day , we went to the sprinkler park at a nearby city park . The boys had a fun time . I was constantly on alert , making sure I could see them both and trying to make sure they did not get mowed down by the big kids . It 's a nice little sprinkler park . I think we will enjoy it more when the big kids go back to school , which is in mid - August around here . Nick , wearing the orange cap , is going through the blue hoops in this picture . Nick does not need any help when it comes to getting wet . He absolutely loves the water . I got a great deal on their little caps so they no longer have to wear my big caps . These are the cute little sandals I got the good deal on at the GAP also . Ben 's are rubbing his feet and causing sores on the insides of his little feet so I had to put him back into his old ones for now . Watching the big kids enjoying the big splashes from the buckets . The water cycles around the different sprinkler activities so the big kids are running from one thing to the next . Fortunately there is a little bit of water still squirting from the snake and a couple of other activities when the water moves on . The boys don 't need a lot of water to have fun and they like to play with the bit that is still squirting from the snake and the blue rings . My niece came over for a visit on Thursday morning and left this morning ( Saturday ) . She is really great with the boys and they just love her . They had so much fun playing with her and , man , did it make things a lot easier for me ! What a difference an extra set of helping hands makes . The boys like to look through the Reader 's Digest . I am using these magazines to teach them not to tear pages in books . They are doing pretty well with this . We cut their hair on Wednesday night . Ben has a lot of hair and it grows very fast . My husband is getting pretty good at cutting hair . He cuts everything except the front , which I cut . He also cuts my hair , except for the front and he does a really good job . My hair is so curly that it 's hard to see a mistake , which is not the case with the boys . We are still learning but it 's going pretty well . They are looking like such big boys lately . I can 't believe how quickly they are changing . In other news , our ice maker stopped working and Sear 's can 't get out to fix it for a couple of weeks so we are buying ice . The wood peckers pecked holes in our stucco - stuff on the chimney . This had been going on for a while and I think they might have even had a nest in there at one point because I heard lots of tweeting going on up there . Sometimes they would attempt to peck the metal part of the chimney and it would sound as if there was a jack hammer going off up there . It was interesting . Anyway , we paid a couple hundred dollars to have it fixed yesterday . Most of the expense was for the material , of which you have to buy a large bucket because they don 't sell small buckets , but it is suppose to stay good for at least a year or so . This house looks just like stucco but it is not really stucco . Stucco is a mud - type substance on top of concrete . This stuff is some other substance that is purchased from a dealer and it goes on top of a styrofoam type of material , or something like that . Anyway , it 's not suppose to get wet : ) . The guy was suppose to leave the material , in case we need it again , since we paid for it ( it is highly likely the wood peckers will return ) , but he didn 't . I have tried to call him but he is not answering his phone now . Hmmm . I have a bad feeling about this . So far , this house has been a bit of a money pit , as far as maintenance goes . We bought it and moved in about a year and a half ago and have had an unending list of things that need to be fixed . My husband is still working on sanding , repairing and repainting all of the window sills on the outside of the house . It looks like the prior owners never did this or , if they did , they never did it right . All of the upstairs window sills and some of the downstairs window sills have had quite a bit of wood rot . The prior owners had also planted the beds around the house way to high , so it was overlapping the stucco - like material by quite a bit in lots of areas . This has been a huge job too because we have not only had to lower it but also fix water drainage issues in many cases . What a mess . The prior owners had a new roof put on the house and the roofers damaged the gutters in many places so we are fixing that also and the roof is leaking a bit above the boys ' room ( we already had one leak in that area fixed ) . I could go on and on but I won 't . It is frustrating . This house was built in 1998 or 1999 , so it 's not really that old but I guess that 's around the time that everything needs to start being repaired / repainted , especially when it was not maintained for years . It does not seem that the prior owners did much maintenance around here . I think we will eventually get caught up with everything and this kind of work will slow down a bit . We will likely have a fairly peaceful fall and winter , as far as house maintenance goes . Nick and Ben on their wagon ride , when we visited my grandmother on the 4th of July . My sister was pulling them and my husband was taking pictures . I was in the house . Apparently Ben did not smile until they were headed back towards the house . Maybe he was too hot . . . he gets hot very easily . Ben and Nick standing on their new little step stools . These are the ones that are made from tall cans . They love these little stools because they can now climb up on the living room chairs . Please tell me what parent * likes * the loud mode of these noisy toys ? ? I hid these toys in the toy box under the table , pictured behind Nick here , with all of the other toys I don 't like or they are not quite ready for . The boys finally discovered these drawers and how to pull them out . I have to find a new hiding place . . . maybe the trash ! ! ? ? Ben playing with Mr . Potato Head , which was also in the hidden drawer as a toy the boys weren 't quite ready for . They have fun with it but they can only play with it with supervision , since it has small parts and they still put things in their mouth sometimes . They are seldom in this room without supervision though because there are too many things they can get into . The Learning Tower that we ordered came yesterday evening . It is really nice and sturdy , although a bit heavy . I put pads on the bottom so we can slide it across the floor . The boys love it and now I just have to find things they can help with . My only disappointment is that it is a bit smaller than it looked in the pictures . In one of the pictures , it looked like it could hold two kids easily . In reality , it is a bit cramped with two , which leads to more pushing and shoving : ) . It also comes with a star - covered cloth that can be draped across the top so little ones can imagine they are in a tent or something . It is definitely very well built and not easy to tip over . Nick has already learned how to climb into it and out of it on his own . First try at wiping down the counter top . They are so excited and eager to help do anything right now . I will save these pictures and remind them of this , when they are at the age that they don 't want to help : ) . The bad news is that Nick woke up with a low grade fever * again * . I was so bummed . I was planning to take them to the little water playground at the park this morning but when I saw that Nick was running a 100 degree fever , I decided to keep him home . I noticed yesterday that he had a bit of a stuffy nose and was sneezing some but just chalked it up to allergies and being outside more lately . I 'm not sure if he caught something from church again ( the timing is perfect for that ) or if this might just be a teething fever . Do kids run 100 degree fevers while teething ? ? He was very fussy and whiny again this morning . He tends to be much more volatile than normal when he has a fever , going from happy to a tantrum in one second flat . I hope it is just a teething thing that goes away quickly . we are working on our first post placement report ? We had our home visit last week and it went well . . although , when she asked me how I was doing , I got teary eyed and almost started crying . She got it right away and started asking me questions like , what kind of support system do you have , what kind of breaks are you getting , how many dates have you and your husband had since the boys came home , etc . First of all , it was very bad timing for me because we had just been through months of rainy days and the week before our social worker came over , we had all been sick ( including me ) . So I had had very low energy and had not been out of the house for some period of time , which had not helped the situation . If she had come a week or two later , it is very likely I would have been happy as a clam and said everything was great . That being said , we have not done too well with this sort of thing and it wears on me at times . I have this thing in my head where I don 't want to leave the boys with anyone until they have been home for one year . I don 't know where this came from but I feel it pretty strongly , even though they would likely be just fine . I am fine with leaving them with my sister and she watched them one night a couple of months ago while we went to a movie . We have also left them in the church nursery while we attended Bible study and church service , although we are staying with them again now because they were recently promoted to another class and I have this thing in my head that we should stay with them in their new class for four Sundays , while they get to know the new caretakers , kids and new room / environment , before we start leaving them again . So far , my husband and I have only gone on one " date " to a movie , since the boys came home on January 23rd . I have gone out on a couple of quick shopping trips with nieces a couple of times , while the boys were napping and my sister was here with them . I have taken a few quick one hour breaks , where I actually left the house , several times on the weekends , when my husband was here listening to the monitor while the boys slept . I have only gone out maybe twice , by myself , while the boys were awake and hanging out with their daddy . One of those times was to a movie last weekend . My husband is really great about giving me a break in the evenings , after dinner and cleanup , for 45 minutes or an hour , most evenings , but I can hear everything going on in the next room and it is hard to relax and let go . . . . but I really do appreciate the break . To compound the situation , I have not done a good job of making friends since we moved to Oklahoma . I am very close to my sister and mom and we try to see each other every other week ( they live an hour and a half away ) . I have a wonderful friend who lives in our neighborhood and our husbands work together . She is such a wonderful person and we spent quite a bit of time together before the kids came home . Her kids are already grown and she has grandkids now so she is able to be a mentor and give good advice also . But we don 't get to spend as much time together now that the boys are home . I also have some other friends whose husbands work with my husband and we all get together , with our children , once a month or so . I have attended these events twice now and I have really enjoyed myself . Once was to the zoo and the other was today , when we all got together for lunch and then visited while the kids played . I really enjoy this time a lot , especially getting to talk to other moms . It makes me realize that I really need to make an effort to make some more mom friends . Our first set of post placement reports ( for each child ) is due by the end of July , with all of the multiple , original copies , notaries and apostilles ( I 'll be making another trip to OKC soon ) . I am working on gathering the required pictures . It is definitely much easier than the original paperwork we had to do for the adoption though . . . . and totally worth it , of course . After our July report , we will report in January of 2008 , 2009 and 2010 . Then we will be finished . . . unless they change the rules in the meantime . Our weekend was busy , fun and sometimes even relaxing . I took the boys back to the mall on Friday to get another pair of those Baby Gap sandals for $ 8 . The two pairs that I had bought ( size 7 and 8 ) turned out to be a bit too big so I bought another pair of size 6 . So Ben is wearing the 6 's and Nick is wearing the 7 's and with the 8 's in the wings , hopefully I won 't have to buy any more sandals this summer . After the mall , we went to Walmart for a number of things . I was on borrowed time as far as the boys were concerned , as they were becoming a bit impatient with our shopping adventure . While we were at Walmart , Ben had a bit of a crying fit . This was the first issue I have really ever had to deal with while we were out shopping . It wasn 't really such a big deal and I didn 't do much , other than to ignore it for a little while and then tell him to hush when it went on too long . He hushed and got happy again and I quickly finished my shopping and we went home . I bought curtains for our upstairs windows and hung most of them on Saturday , in an effort to reduce the heat . We already had wooden blinds but they don 't keep out the sunlight nearly as well as curtains do . Even so , our new air conditioner still cannot keep up with the heat up there and we are currently only getting into the 90 's here . At some point during the day , it is no longer able to keep up , so it just runs for the rest of the day , until sometime in the evening or night , when it finally catches up again . Today I have to call the guy who sold us the new air conditioner ( and told us it was bigger than what we needed and would have no trouble keeping up with the heat up there ) and let him know what 's going on . Hopefully he can come by and tweak something , but I am doubtful about that . The real issue is that we have vaulted ceilings in the two largest rooms ( game room and guest room ) , so there is no attic between the ceilings and the roof . When the house was built , they had the wooden shingles , which breathe a lot more and don 't collect as much heat as typical asphalt shingles . . . of course , wooden shingles are also a fire hazard and have been outlawed in many cities . Anyway , the prior owners had so many problems with the roof leaking that they replaced the roof with these very nice looking asphalt shingles but these shingles attract a lot more heat and seal the heat into the house , hence our upstairs rooms heat up . What a pain . The other bad thing is that each of these two largest rooms upstairs only has one large air vent to cool them , which is just crazy . They needed more than one . The other two bedrooms have two or three each and we have to shut them , almost completely , because they get too cold . It 's really crazy . At this point , I 'm not sure there is a solution to this issue , which is not good . Actually , it is pretty comfortable upstairs at all times of the day now and we only keep the air set on 78 degrees . But it is still really bad that the air conditioner cannot keep up . When I went upstairs to get the boys after their nap yesterday , the thermostat showed that the temperature in the hallway off of the gameroom was 80 . 5 degrees , even though the thermostat was set for 78 degrees . Again , it seemed very comfortable up there to me and the new curtains have certainly cut down on the amount of heat coming in but still , the air conditioner should be able to maintain whatever temperature we set the thermostat on . We will continue to search for other solutions . After hanging curtains on Saturday , I went to a movie ! Actually , it wasn 't that great and I should have gotten a pedicure instead . But it was nice to have some time for myself and that was the more important thing . After the movie , the boys and I went to a birthday party for my great niece , who just turned one year old . This was the first birthday party that the boys have been to , so that was fun . They had a great time and my little great niece was adorable . When everyone was singing " Happy Birthday " , the boys were looking around , wondering what was going on . I think they will understand it better after Ben 's birthday in September and Nick 's in November . I can 't believe they are going to be 2 years old that soon ! Wow , time sure does fly by . Yesterday we went to church , after having missed two Sundays in a row . The first Sunday we were all sick and the second one we had just gotten better and kept the boys home so we would not risk taking a virus of some sort to my grandmother when we visited her on July 4th . If everything continues as it has so far , we can count on the boys getting sick again after we go to church this upcoming Sunday . So far , I think they have gotten sick almost every second Sunday since they have been home and then we end up staying home on the third Sunday . Maybe this time will be different . After church , we went out to eat and then the boys took a really long nap . They had gotten to bed late the night before because we were late getting home from the birthday party . When they woke up , I took them outside to play and we had a great time . Since their little swimming pool needs to be cleaned again , I let them play in the water from the hose and they had a great time with that . Nick especially loves the water and put his face and head right in front of the hose . It was pretty funny . The water was really cold though and they were soaking wet so it didn 't take too long before Nick was getting cold and I turned off the hose , much to their disappointment . I really want to get them out to a real swimming pool sometime soon . I need to find a pool near our house that is not too busy ( good luck with that one . . . I don 't think there is one really ) . Anyway , this post is longer than I intended , it 's a lot about nothing and the boys are awake so I better get going . Hope you had a nice weekend . I made homemade banana chocolate chip muffins yesterday morning . I put walnuts in all but four of them and " marked " the four without walnuts ( for the boys ) with a bit of batter on that side of the muffin pan . As I took them out of the oven , I was so pleased with myself because I knew exactly which four did not have walnuts . ( Last time I made them I lost track of this when they went in the oven . ) I let them cool for 3 minutes , as the recipe indicated , and then turned the pan upside down and shook them out ( is shook a word ? ? ) . . . . and then realized I just lost track of which ones had no walnuts . Upon very close inspection , I was able to pick them out . They are delicious and the boys and I all enjoyed them for our afternoon snack ( or " nack " , as the boys say : ) . N had a bit of trouble behaving yesterday and I think it was mostly because he was so overtired . He woke up during the night ( Wed night ) , around 11 : 30 , screaming and crying . He has done this in the past but is normally able to comfort himself and fall back to sleep before I could even make it upstairs . This time he was escalating with no signs of self comfort so I went up and rocked him for a little while . When we were at my grandmother 's house , my cousin took him outside for a little while to show him some moo cows . I was not thinking about how that might impact him , since had only just met her . They were outside long enough that my husband went out to see where they were . N tends to be more clingy to my husband and I until he gets to know someone a little better . He stays nearby and keeps his eye on us when he is around people he does not know very well . He did great with just playing with family in the living room floor , at my grandmother 's , but I suspect that going out with my cousin for a little while , without mom or dad around , may have freak him out just a little bit . I could be wrong but , you just never know . Anyway , he went back to sleep pretty easily and last night he slept fine . We 'll see how he does today . While the boys were napping yesterday morning , I weeded the flower beds in the front of the house , or at least some of them . They were pretty bad and it was very hot and humid . I collected a kitchen trash bag full of weeds and there is still more to do . I couldn 't believe how bad the weeds were . One thing about waiting so long to weed though is that you sure can find them and grab hold of them easily because they are so tall : ) . We had another intense thunderstorm here yesterday afternoon . The boys were both scared of all of the thunder and the wind blowing the trees so hard . We sat in the big rocking chair and listened to children 's Christian music and I sang to them . It was sweet and I just stay really calm and talk about the wind and thunder . I was saying " boom boom " to the thunder and N started saying " boom boom " over and over . So I asked him if he liked the " boom boom " and he shook his head no , very emphatically . The electricity flashed out twice , which made our stereo go off , but I just kept singing . They really enjoy it when I sing . It 's cute the way they will sometimes stare at me as if they are shocked that such nice sounds could come from momma 's mouth : ) . Tonya , I tried one of your suggestions today . The boys were in their high chairs and just finishing up their lunch and I was sweeping the kitchen floor but not finished . So I cleared their lunch plates and gave them each a small toy and a book and told them to play with their toy and read their book until I finished sweeping the floor . They have seen me sweep the floor before so I think they understood what I was telling them . I fully expected them to complain and throw their books / toys to the floor . They completely surprised me . They sat very nicely and played with their toys and read their books the whole time I swept . I did not hear one complaint . I complimented them as I swept and it didn 't take too long so it was a very good first try . Thanks for the suggestion ! It worked like a charm . It certainly beat the way I had been doing it in the past . If I swept the floor when they were awake , it was a battle to keep them out of the dirt . Yesterday morning the boys wanted to play with their PJ 's , after I had changed them into their day clothes . So , I let them and I went into the bathroom to dispose of their dirty diapers . Soon after , I heard them pulling out the trash , which is built into our cabinets and pulls out like a drawer , only it 's taller . I told them to push it back in and stay out of the trash , which they did . Later I was looking for their pajamas and could not find them anywhere . I looked in the trash and , sure enough , there they were , right on top of the coffee grounds . ( LOL ) My sister and her husband lost a TV remote control that way when their kids were little . Twice , within the last week , Ben was walking through the living room , towards the kitchen . One of the times I was watching him and he was looking up and kind of behind him at the TV / stereo cabinet . The other time I was not watching but just heard the big thump . Both times he walked smack dab into a wall and fell back onto his bottom . He was not hurt either time and actually had a smile on his face and I just cracked up laughing . . . . when I think about it now , I crack up laughing again . He is such a funny kid sometimes . We had a great time today at my grandmother 's house and the boys really had fun with so many aunts , uncles , cousins and grandparents around . They really handled it well and seemed to really enjoy it , even though there were so many people there that they really didn 't know all that well . They were pretty good about playing with everyone and letting some people pick them up . My sister took them for a ride up the lane in a million - year - old , little red wagon . Nick was very excited about it but Ben didn 't start smiling until they were on the way back . Daddy got pictures so I will have to post some later . Neither of them had had a nap all day so they both crashed very soon after we loaded up and left for home . We were hoping we could move them to their cribs and they might sleep a little longer when we got home but that was a no go . So they had only had about an hour nap all day long , which definitely does not meet their nap requirements . We had not been home too long when we decided to load back up and go out to eat . We went to Fuddruckers , since I was craving a good hamburger . On our way home , it occurred to me that this was the first day since our sons came home that I did not fix a meal all day . My husband fixed the boys their breakfast and got them ready this morning so I could get myself ready ( this is our church morning routine ) . At grandma 's house , we ordered pizza and had the best homemade apple pie in the whole wide world , which my sister made ( she is an awesome pie maker ) and she also brought some really yummy brownies and there was ice cream . There were also many people who were willing to indulge cute little boys when mom and dad were not paying attention . I think they had more sweet stuff in one day than they had had in their entire lives . It was really a fun day and so nice to see so many of our family members . But , back to my main point , this was the first day in over 5 months that I did not fix a meal all day long . That 's a long time for someone who doesn 't really enjoy cooking all that much . It really felt like a day off for me and I enjoyed that a lot . Now I know what to ask for on special days in the future . We were all tired when we got home . We put the boys to bed early this evening , which they desperately needed . They were starting to lose it , and understandably so . We went to Baby Gap and found some great deals . They were having a really good sale on some of their summer things . They had some really cute T shirts for less than $ 5 each . They are really soft too , which I love . We also got some cute sandals for less than $ 8 , which was even less than the $ 10 per pair we have been paying for the sandals at Target . These look much nicer and they have plenty of growing room , so hopefully they will be able to wear them through the rest of the summer . We also got two little caps that are too cute and they were also on sale . Yay ! I love sales ! The boys and I shopped at Baby Gap and then went for a snack , which was way too expensive . . . next time we will hit the food court , rather than the nice coffee eatery with wireless Internet access . After that , we went to the regular Gap and one or two other stores , very quickly . Luckily , I am a very fast shopper . I hate slow shopping . I really don 't care much for shopping at all but sometimes it is a necessary evil : ) . The boys were starting to get a bit restless again so we went to the little kids playground that our mall has . I knew it was there but had never really paid much attention to what it was like . It was really nice for a quick play time and I 'm sure we will be regular visitors . It made me nervous though , to be there by myself with two toddlers who are both pretty quick . There is only one entrance / exit but it can still be a bit challenging to keep your eye on two at once . There were two very short time frames when I lost sight of Ben and my heart skipped a beat . We left soon after that . Next time we will have to try to go during a time when it is less busy , such as earlier in the morning or something . The boys really loved it though . They had a great time . They also really enjoyed the elevator , which has glass on three sides so they could watch as we went up and down . I met a very nice lady and her two little boys on the elevator and we talked for a few minutes . I wish she lived around here but , alas , she does not . She and her husband are missionaries and are considering adopting a girl . I wish we had had more time to talk . She seemed very sweet and interesting . After the playground , we went into a couple more shops very quickly , but the boys were getting pretty tired by this time so we headed home . The mall is only about 4 or 5 miles from our house but Nick still fell asleep on the way home . I really wanted them to eat before going down for nap and , based on past experience , was worried that Nick would start melting down on me before we got that far . But he ended up doing very well . I fixed them a chicken pot pie because it is quick and they love it . They ate most of it but the funniest thing was , when Nick was almost done , he picked out the rest of the peas and carrots and ate them and left the rest of the crust . These veggie - loving boys , I am continually amazed at their veggie eating . Anyway , the boys are sleeping and I am going to do a bit of lifebooking . Have a happy day : ) . We kicked off our first post placement report process yesterday . Our first report has to be finished and turned into our agency by the end of this month . Now that we have started this first report , we can initiate efforts to readopted our sons in Oklahoma . This is not a requirement but it will allow our sons to have Oklahoma birth certificates , which makes it much easier to acquire new ones , if needed in the future . Here is Ben , just having eaten most of his broccoli , but leaving his PB & J sandwich . I even waited to serve the broccoli a little later in the meal , hoping they would eat more of their sandwich for the protein . These boys LOVE broccoli . I think they are on to me on the delayed veggie servings now , so it 's not very effective these days . Yesterday I served mac & cheese first and , once again , delayed serving their veggie a bit . As soon as I served the veggie , they quit eating the mac & cheese and only ate the veggie , asking for more when they had finished . Maybe they should be in the book of World Records or something . 1 ) Meeting the " Six Blessing " clan ( www . russianadoptiondiary . blogspot . com ) . They stopped by our house yesterday and all of our kids got to play together for a little while . What a wonderful family and we really enjoyed getting to meet them all . Our sons had a ball with the " big kids " and all of the Six Blessings are really good with little ones . It was also wonderful for us parents to meet and get to know each other a little . Hopefully this was the first of many visits to come between our two families . This is the first blog friend I have been blessed to meet , so it was really special to me . They also delivered some clothes and shoes from the " bwins " for our little sons , which was very nice . After the Six Blessings crew had left , N had fun trying on the shoes and we had fun watching him try to walk in them , since they are a bit big yet . I would not be at all surprised if they fit by winter though . 2 ) Naked swimming ( wading ) toddlers . The boys and I spent some much needed time outside , playing in the yard today . The boys played in the yard , while I cleaned out the gunky , overflowing pool . The boys played in the sandbox , while I pulled weeds from one of the flower beds . By then , they were getting hot , since it was very humid with no wind here today . So I filled the pool with about two inches of water , stripped them down and let them play in it . The water was really cold so I knew that more than two inches would be too cold for them but they really had fun splashing around in that small amount of water and it helped them cool off a bit . I think they enjoyed running around naked for a little while and nobody had any accidents during that time so , good for me : ) . It was so cute to watch them play like that though . What a sweet , cute age . 3 ) Finding out that two of my nieces have started their own blogs . How fun . Now we will get to stay in touch more . I have the most wonderful family ! 4 ) Making plans for and looking forward to visiting family on the 4th . We are going to visit my grandmother on Wednesday , which will be wonderful because it has been a really long time since we have seen her and I really miss her . We will also get to see lots of other family members too , so that 's icing on the cake . We kept the boys home from church today to ensure , as much as possible , that we will not be exposing my 96 year old grandmother to any new viruses , at least not any from the church nursery . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
In medical literature , babies with Trisomy 18 are " incompatible with life . " Our precious son , Aaron , is defying the odds and not only living , but thriving and loving his life . This is an effort to share his joy in his journey . Like the little purple pansy , he is tiny , but strong and brightens his corner of the world . If you 'd like to see more pictures and his story from April 2010 to March 2011 , go to Http : / / www . carepages . com / carepages / GiftfromHeaven What do you say to someone whose heart has been ripped out ? When your own heart is breaking right along with them . " I 'm sorry , " seems so inadequate . " I know how you feel " is just untrue . " He 's in a better place " may be true , but you know what ? Here wasn 't so bad . And he was loved , cherished and an integral part of their life . " He 's all better now " is also true , but they can 't see him anymore . He has left his earthly shell behind and moved on the the next world . But they 're left behind . In a book I once read , Death referred to those who still lived as " the leftovers . " We get left behind while they move on to other things . A beautiful , bright smile was stilled two days ago and I still can 't figure out how to wrap my mind around it . Little Caleb Adamyk , Mighty Mouse , has fought a good fight , has finished his course , and has kept the faith , but the rest of us still have to go on . So what do you say to his mom , his dad , his older brother ? Words just can 't convey meaning well enough . Jeannette has been there in every way possible since we " met " over a year ago on facebook . She 's been there with funny things , good medical advice , and wonderful phone calls . This is a woman whose faith in our Savior is immense , but right now , so is her grief . Jeannette will have a lot more time now . Way too much . Our kids do take up an enormous amount of time and energy , but so what ? While sometimes ( often ) exhausting , what a blessing to be able to care for and love someone who gives back so much love unconditionally . I LOVE Caleb 's smile . You can see the joy in his eyes , his love of life . I ache as I think of how empty the hours will be now . I don 't want to be silent , because she needs to know I care . But the words all sound so pithy to me . So I cry , and as I do , I pray . I pray that God will wrap his arms around her and her family like a blanket . That He will grant them peace and comfort . That somehow , my love will be conveyed to her . And she will find the strength to keep breathing . What a wonderful day and wonderful week ! Aaron is doing so well . He 's enjoyed a lot of floor time lately , and that makes it so much easier to get in close and play . The other night , Michael came in and wanted to take care of him . They both ended up falling asleep on the floor . Mini - slumber party anyone ? A couple days ago , Grampa Brown was playing with him on the floor . Grampa would get Aaron 's attention , and then tap his own hand against his own leg . Aaron would watch and then copy ! This is huge ! To have conscious copying of gross motor skills is a big step . We 've thought on several occasions that he might be copying facial features , and even sometimes head shaking , but we 've never been sure . This was so fun to watch . Mary moved out this week . We all really miss her . I tried to get some pictures of she and Aaron before she left , but he 'd stayed up too late partying the night before - - 4 a . m . ! So waking up was just not on his agenda . Mary has been so wonderful to play with and help with Aaron . He can 't really express it , but I know he misses her , too . Then there was today . It was a fantastic day . Today was Stake Conference . For those who are not Mormon , every six months we have a larger gathering of about 6 - 8 local units . The local units are called wards and the larger group is a stake . We receive counsel from our leaders , and sometimes , we have special visitors from the general authorities over the church . Every once in a while , one of the apostles will visit . Our church is led by a prophet and twelve apostles , just like the ancient church when Christ was here . Today , Elder Richard G . Scott , one of the twelve apostles came . It was so wonderful to hear him speak and feel his love . Afterwards , he came over to where the family had been sitting and greeted Aaron and the other boys . ( Deborah had gone with a friend to a farewell , and Mary had to leave as soon as the meeting was over , so they didn 't get to meet him . ) I am so grateful he took the time to come see Aaron . In addition to this wonderful experience , I was privileged to sing in the choir . I love singing and have really missed it over the last two years . Because we didn 't decide that we could make it work before last week , I only had one week of practice and today 's warm - up . I enjoyed the music , but didn 't have time to really get comfortable with it . So much of it was feeling forced . But then , on the last chorus of the closing song , it all changed . The hymn was " On This Day of Joy and Gladness . " As we sang , Alleluia , Alleluia , Bright and clear our voices ring , Singing songs of exultationTo our Maker , Lord , and King ! I could feel it , really feel it ! Alleluia means Praise ye the Lord and I did . I did with my whole heart and soul . It was the most marvelous feeling to be part of a chorus singing those praises to God . I am so blessed , so very blessed . Alleluia , indeed . Okay , so it 's the first day of school for just over half my kids . How weird is that ? Deborah is looking for a job , Mary moves out tomorrow , Michael 's kindergarten doesn 't start until next week , and I get to keep Aaron at home with me . So only five out of the nine actually started school today . Anyway , it 's still that First Day of School ! And we 're off to a roaring start . Another blessing of studying scriptures first thing in the morning , one that I haven 't heard mentioned by the prophets , is that when the alarm clock doesn 't go off right , or when you turn it off and go back to sleep ( Mom ! ) , there 's still plenty of others to wake you . And then we 're still , basically , on time . Yeah , only four of the ten of us managed to get up on our own . I think we need to work on that . Again yesterday , I realized how different our " normal " has become . We were at " Back - to - School " night and I was talking with the boys ' teachers . My concern , especially with the younger ones , was that if they came to school talking about Aaron , that the teachers not think they were telling " stories . " If ( NOT going to happen this year ) they came and said a helicopter came to our house , it was probably the truth . If they talked about Aaron having two bellybuttons , that was how we explained the g - tube to them . The teachers were great about that , but were so very concerned about how difficult this was for all of us . I tried to explain that the boys really do just roll with it . We were admitted so many times last year that it was no longer unexpected . Their biggest worry , even when it had been bad , was how long before Mom 's back , and can we play in the playroom when we go up to visit . Last year I really had to fight to put a family password on my kids ' check - out accounts . We have it just in case Aaron takes a bad turn really fast . Then I don 't have to try to remember who has permission to check the kids out . I can give anyone the family password and they can get them and bring them to the hospital . This year , all the attendence people remembered me and were just fine with it . I think the only base left to cover is the mass e - mail . I still need to let my older kids ' teachers know about Aaron . Because even though the younger kids roll with just about everything , the older ones still stress a bit more . The youngers have almost come to expect us to be gone frequently . The olders know that the ambulance only comes when it 's life - threatening . So even though they also are familiar with it , if Aaron is not doing as well , they worry more . Because the middle school and high school teachers are so used to hearing all sorts of excuses , I feel like I owe it to them and to my kids to give them a heads - up that they are also not telling " stories . " Our school district here only makes me fill out one emergency form per school instead of one per child like San Diego did . I also no longer fill out any disclosure documents . I figure by the time my kids are getting those , they know my name , address , telephone number and e - mail . Posted by Please bear with me as I 'm not sure where this one is going . Aaron is doing really , really well . In fact , so well , that sometimes he gets a little silly . We went in a week ago to have his casts removed and look at his feet . Initially , at least , it looks like his feet may be changing . So we also put new casts on . Next Monday when we go back , he 'll also have x - rays done to see if the bones have shifted at all . If they have then we 'll continue casting . If not , well , that experiment will be done , and at least we 'll have his feet back for sensors . ' Cause this little monkey , he 's been having lots of fun with his oxygen sensor . Me , not so much . Because we don 't have access to feet , we have to put it on his hand . Use your imagination and you can probably figure out how that 's working . He wiggles and waves his hands a lot . He likes to pull it off completely . And , perhaps his favorite , he likes to chew on it . The sensor works fine when he chews on it . At least it 's holding still and attached , but when it gets wet , it 's all over . No pick - up at all . So this past week there have been alarms galore going off . I finally asked Deborah to sit in there with him , because most of the time , they are false alarms , but you can 't tell if your in another room . This week Michael and Andrew chose dinosaur stickers for Aaron 's casts . Daddy also painted messages like " I love Aaron " and " Wonderful little friend " on them . We even put a turtle on for one of his doctors . She 's really partial to turtles . Aaron wasn 't so sure about taking those casts off . His eyes were big and scared with the noise and vibrations from the saw . I just kept talking and smiling at him , and it was almost like , " I 'm really , really not sure about this , but you look like things are okay , so I 'll hang in there for now . But you better be sure about this , Mom ! " On his toes are stickers that say " Lengthen Your Stride . " Inspiration more for me than I think for him . His stride is already pretty impressive . So really , Aaron has been having a very good time . As my doctor said last week , " This is obviously NOT failure to thrive . " But several of his little friends , and their families , are really struggling . Sometimes I have a hard time with the juxtaposition of a seemingly healthy , happy baby , and the knowledge that it can change in an instant . This past week , one of Aaron 's little T18 friends , Peter , grew his angel wings . Peter 's mom founded Prenatal Partners for Life after Peter was born . She sent Aaron a lamb with " Child of God " printed on it . This lamb has been to almost every one of Aaron 's hospital admits . It is in his bed here at home . He loves to grab at it . Mary has been so helpful to so many of us as we 've traveled this road . Peter Another special baby , Caleb , is 29 months . Caleb 's mom , Jeannette , has been right there with me since Aaron 's birth . She has been wonderful to provide advice and a listening ear . She is a woman with a profound faith in our Savior . Last Thursday , Caleb went in for an adnoidectomy because his were so large they were making it hard to breathe . After surgery , he had a heart attack . Today , he had another . My heart aches for them . Please , if you will take a minute , please pray for these families . They need the strength and peace that comes from prayers offered . They need it now , and will for quite some time in the future . I long to uphold them as they have held me . I wish I was close enough to put my arms around them . Caleb So as I count my blessings , and I have so many of them , I also plead for understanding from my Father . Because , most of the time , I don 't understand , or maybe I don 't want to have to understand . We love our little ones so much . It hurts so bad to watch them suffer , but even more to lose them . If not for the knowledge that this life is a school and not the end of everything , I think I would truly lose my mind . It is only with my faith in my Savior and my Heavenly Father that I can find the strength to not only go forward , but enjoy the journey . I am so glad he has entrusted us with one of his special angels . I once read ( and haven 't been able to find the source again ! ) about a family similarly blessed . A neighbor remarked to the father that " We have heard of the ministering of angels . It would be interesting to know why your family has been chosen to minister to one of them . " These babies truly are special angels and , as hard as it is to watch them suffer , those who are allowed to love and care for them are among the most blessed I know . I recently started running , or at least something like running . See , all my life I was blessed with skinny genes . When I carried my older kids , I was all baby and almost nothing else . Now , I 'm no baby and a lot of something else . Anyway , after Aaron 's first birthday , I actually started looking towards the future . It 's like I finally gave myself permission to look past the next week or two . And I realized this could get interesting . See , Aaron , in his stroller , and with all his equipment weighs somewhere between 125 and 130 pounds . I know he 's only about 15 of that , but he is getting bigger . Then there 's me , on the " other side " of 40 where I 'm told I lose muscle mass . So I decided that something had to change . I found a program called " Couch Potato to 5K . " I looked at the first week and thought , actually this is really easy . I bet I could just skip it . But , since I 'm trying to be a good girl , I thought I 'd at least do the first run before I decided to skip to week two . Weeeeell , um , yeah . This couch potato has not only spouted roots , she 's put them down deep . There will be no skipping of steps on this one . In fact , sometimes I hang onto a week for a few more runs before moving on . Which brings me to this post . Aaron is my inspiration for running . Whenever I think I can 't make it one more step , I think of him . He 's running a much harder race than I ever will and he doesn 't get to stop after 20 or 30 minutes . And he doesn 't complain , ever . He just keeps on keeping on , smiling almost all the time . He 's my hero . On the way back , there 's a pretty steep hill . In my training plan , I now run up the hill . It 's not much of a run , but I keep doing it . And as I do , I think of Aaron . I 've dubbed it Aaron 's hill . It 's a narrow path through the trees , but at the top you can see the sky . Depending on what time I go , it 's been either baby blue , or like this morning , rosy pink . It 's darker down at the bottom , in the shade , but I can see the bright goal ahead of me . And as I climb , I remember Aaron and all the others who inspire me . They don 't give up and neither will I . Today there were several children weighing on my mind . As I ran , their names went through my mind over and over : Aaron , Caleb , Peter , Emily , Brigid , Lane . Aaron , Caleb , Peter , Emily , Brigid , Lane . Somehow , it wasn 't as hard as I thought it would be . It was a better run than I 've had in a long time . Still hard ? Oh yeah . But compared to what these kids are doing , not so much at all . ' Cause , I can do hard things . Aaron 's middle name comes from my grandfather , my Papa . He passed away just after we were married . I still remember coming home to our little apartment after dropping someone off at the airport and seeing the light blinking on our answering machine . I knew immediately that Papa was gone . On Wednesday , his sweetheart , my Nana , joined him . She has been battling cancer for so long and is now at rest . I remember her making grilled cheese sandwiches for us in Texas as we 'd sit on the patio , taking a break from swimming in their pool . I remember her love of reading . She was always reading . I remember , I must have only been two or three , one time she and Papa came to visit . They were in an RV ( at least that 's the way I remember it . ) I remember Maurie and I running across a HUGE field to hug them . We were so excited to see them . I remember living in their home in Pennsylvania and picking wild blackberries when Mom was pregnant with Michelle and Dad was TDY . I remember her Madam Alexander dolls , especially her " Little Women " dolls . I was facinated by Meg , Jo , Beth , Amy and Marmee . I loved just looking at them . Mostly , I remember her love . I remember the love she and Papa shared . Every evening , they would have a glass of wine before dinner and toast each other with , " I love you . " And NOBODY ever said ANYTHING that might possibly be derrogatory of her in front of Papa . You just did not say anything that wasn 't nice about anything about his wife , not her cooking , not anything . They were strong people , raised in a different era . They waited 7 days after they met to get married , because they were waiting for Papa 's birthday . And then she sent him off to war . This was the second time she sent her husband to war . I can 't imagine the fortitude that took . Papa was a career military officer . He retired as a Colonel in the United States Air Force and she followed him and made a home for their family all over the US and overseas as well . She told me that when they got married , they decided they 'd never go to sleep mad at each other . I remember her telling me ( and this was after Papa passed on ) that they never did . But there were a lot of nights they both sat up awake all night too angry to make up and go to sleep ! Nana was a very strong woman . I admire her so much . Her life wasn 't easy , but I never realized it as a child . She married young and sent her first husband off to war . While he was gone , she gave birth to a baby boy , too early to survive . The nuns wanted to take him and leave him in another room to die . She refused . She held her little baby while he lived and while he died . And then she sat up all night holding that little body , not sleeping , until her mother could get to the hospital and take him . She refused to give him up to nurses that did not value his life . How very much I have learned from her . She of all people in my family understood the pain and fear I have gone through these last two and a half years . She became pregnant again , this time with twins . Some time after that , her husband was declared MIA in the Pacific Theater . She gave birth just a few weeks later , and then shortly thereafter , was informed that he had been killed . After she and Papa married , they raised those twins , my mother , and her brother . They raised them to love country and family . They raised them to be strong and supportive . I think the fact that she was able to stay in her home , being cared for by them until the end , shows just how strong those bonds are . They are a family in every sense of the word . I hope I can raise my children as well as they have . Nana never got to meet Aaron . By the time he was born , she was too ill to travel , and he couldn 't make the trip to Florida . But Aaron bears Papa 's middle name , Noland . We hoped that in giving him his name , he would demonstrate the same strength as Papa . And , I believe , Papa takes a special interest in him from the other side . I couldn 't think of a better guardian angel to stand by my baby than my Papa . I miss you , Nana and Papa . Enjoy heaven . Posted by Aaron has had a good week . Today marks his 14 month birthday , that 's 486 more days than we were told we would get . Our little miracle lives on . This week he was actually trying to roll over . He just kept getting stuck on his shoulder . He still can 't quite pull his head up enough to get over that shoulder . The casts help him because they help anchor his legs in the right position so he can keep working on those upper trunk muscles . Because he 's trying to roll over and move more , he 's starting to have a physical therapist as well . So now , he has physical therapy twice a month , occupational therapy twice a month , and hearing therapy once or twice a month . The best part is , they all come to our house ! Yea for not having to haul him out of the house that much more ! He also got his cool , new sunglasses this week . We tried them out for the first time at the pool ( you can see it reflected in the glasses above ) . Amazing success ! Usually , when we go out mid - day , it 's really hard on him . He coughs and sneezes and desats and is generally miserable . This time , he looked around and went to sleep . No increased oxygen , no suctioning , no venting . Much happier boy . And looking so cool ! Grandpa came to visit for a few days this week and brought an amazing present from China . The artist captured Aaron 's smile and spirit perfectly . Yesterday on our way home , Aaron & I stopped to see my perinatologist . Dr . F has been so amazing . She gave us the gift of being in the driver 's seat with Aaron 's pregnancy . She used her expertise to help and advise us , but left any decision that she could up to us . More and more I 'm discovering what a rare gift that is . Here , Aaron is playing with his pinwheel . He has so much fun grasping it and waving it back and forth . Mary got lots of smiles for helping him do this . And then , yesterday , we went to get hearing aids . Normal hearing registeres at 25 or lower . Profound hearing loss is 90 or higher . Aaron 's registers between 70 and 90 . His audiologist wants to be gentle with him , and we really can 't know how much he truely hears , so they are set at 50 . We tried really hard to get him to react at the hospital to see if he was hearing or not , but he was just too tired . It was like , leave me alone already . It 's naptime . So then , when we got home , I put them in and turned them on after his music was already going . It was amazing to watch as they registered the sound . His eyes got so big as he heard the music ! Although he 's always been responsive , he has been much more so since yesterday afternoon , . Today we went to the Alpine Days Parade . It was much smaller than previous years , but Aaron was still there ! And unlike the parade , he 's much bigger ! ! We found some friends of ours to sit with . Here 's Michael , Joseph , Andrew , and a special fan , Tonya with Aaron while we 're waiting for the parade to begin . Tonight the plan is to take him to the fireworks , his first . What a way to celebrate 14 months . A parade and fireworks , and I 'm hoping he thinks they 're all for him . Today I had a very interesting experience . It was Fast and Testimony meeting . For those not familiar with this practice , in the LDS church , on the first Sunday of each month , it is customary to go without two meals , or fast . The money that would have been spent on the food is then donated to help the less fortunate . This is coupled with Testimony meeting . In it , members who feel so moved , bear testimony of the gospel and the love of Jesus Christ . This is often accompanied by personal examples or stories . Shortly after the testimony portion began , I was holding Aaron and looking at him . I began to wonder if he was still touching and helping others now that he is doing so well and , at least now , is so stable . I mean , he really is very healthy and happy . I began to pray that if so , someone would maybe mention him . Then , almost immediately , I felt a little foolish . I shouldn 't need a sign from heaven to validate my feelings . I know he 's still helping me improve . That should be enough . Later , just before all the meetings were over , I was watching a couple other babies who have been born since he was and realized something . EVERYONE at church knows Aaron . Everyone , including the men , greet and address him by name . I know I don 't know all the small childrens ' names , and I suspect that among the men there is even fewer who know them . But they all know and take interest in Aaron . I thought my prayer had been answered , and , in a way , it was . But the most interesting part came as I was putting Aaron in the car , always a lengthy process . A neighbor came up and asked how he was doing and mentioned how much he blessed her life . She then went on to say that she had almost said something about that as she bore her testimony , but there was just too much to say and she didn 't want to take too much time . What a blessing it was for her to take those minutes and share that with me . I am so grateful she did . It may have been a silly prayer , but my Heavenly Father knew it was important to me . I am so grateful He inspired her to say just what I needed to hear , and grateful she listened to that prompting . I 've been smiling about it all day . When we were in for Aaron 's last surgery , we heard a new sound in his heart . I had heard it earlier in the week , but I really don 't listen to his heart that often , so I wasn 't sure how long it really had been there . ( It 's hard to hear his heart over his lungs and the ventilator . I really have to just focus on it to hear it . ) He also has a murmur , because of his VSD , that I 've never been able to pick out . But after surgery , the attending on the floor also heard it . Turns out it 's something called a " split S1 " The S1 is the " lub " in the " lub - dub " you hear when you listen to a heart . On Aaron , you could hear the first sound clearly , but immediately after , and before the second sound ( S2 ) , there was almost a faint echo . It appears that this is no big deal for our hero , but it did earn him a quicker follow - up with his cardiologist , Dr . Menon . The plan had been to return in December , but with this new development , we were asked to see him this last week . In the above picture , he 's having an echo . It uses the same technique and everything as a prenatal ultrasound , but focusses entirely on the heart / lungs . He wasn 't real thrilled with holding still and really wanted to help the tech with her wand . His results were very good . The right side of his heart continues to be less thick ( unthick ? ) and his pressures continue to decrease . The thickening was the result of his bout with heart failure a year ago , so the decrease in thickness is a very , very good sign . He also still has his PDA . The ductus arteriosus is open , or patent , in an unborn child . It allows the baby 's blood to bypass the lungs , since it doesn 't need to pick up oxygen there before it 's born . After the baby is born , it closes so the blood is all routed through the lungs . Some children , usually preemies or other compromised infants , don 't close on their own . Sometimes it has looked like Aaron 's was closed , but when he 's upset , or very active , during an echo , we can tell for certain . And yep , his is still open . It 's very tiny , and unless he was having something else done , we wouldn 't close it . But if we do end up closing his VSD in the future , we 'll have that closed as well . But that 's all a long time away . In his second picture , he 's having an EKG done . Yep , that 's 13 electrodes on that little body . Somehow , it doesn 't seem like as many as last December , but his body is a lot bigger now , too . That also came out with very good results . So it looks like the split S1 is just Aaron being Aaron and keeping us on our toes . Speaking of tiny bodies , after our cardio appointment , Aaron and I stopped by my sister 's home and got to meet my newest nephew . Little Jacob seems so little ! I think he 's got about 3 pounds on where Aaron was when he came home , but that 's really hard to imagine . I couldn 't believe how small he was , but he 's SO CUTE ! Our family 's been blessed with three new little spirits in the past month : William 's brother 's wife had a little boy in mid - July , then my sister , Liz , had her son towards the end , and Mara 's Jacob was the last one . Aaron was pretty interested in little Jacob , but when he started to cry , Aaron looked really confused . What was that he was doing ? It 's not a sound he remembers hearing . Poor kid was just not into the picture taking thing . There 's a new group on facebook these days called LDS Disabilities . I really find I like it a lot . One ( or several ? ) of the moms are also part of a group called M . O . S . S . , or Moms of Special Spirits . There 's a get together next weekend , and I 'm really excited to try to go . It 's kind of like when I went to school back east , and then came out to BYU . I had ( and have ! ) some great friends from NJ . We had a lot of fun together hanging out , talking , working and so on . But when I came to BYU , where so very many share the same beliefs that I do , it was really like putting a fish into water . I didn 't even realize what I had been missing . It was just so easy to not have to explain myself . My facebook account is like that , too . I wouldn 't trade , for the world , the friendships that I have made with other moms on this journey . They have saved my sanity , and probably Aaron 's life , with their insights and humor . And they are WONDERFUL advocates for our children . They have a let 's - get - to - work mentality and see what we can do to improve not only our own child 's life , but others as well . As parents of medically fragile children ( which is different from special needs in a crucial way ) , we understand all too well the precariousness of this life . We know that so many will grow their angel wings too soon for us . But that doesn 't mean that we just give up and sit in a corner and weep . Yes , we weep , yell , scream , cry , but we also go on trying to help others . One of the best , most wonderful women I know advocates in large part because her baby , Annie , wasn 't given a chance . She died at 80 days under very suspicious circumstances . But she has been right there with me , every step of the way , helping and checking in . That said , I really have enjoyed connecting with other moms who get the alphabet soup we use as Mormons . They understand the sacredness of sacrament meeting even when , or especially when it 's juxtaposed with all the challenges of special needs . And I can 't wait to meet in person some of these other moms . Last week when I got to meet Jennifer , Elanor 's mom , it was such a pick - me - up . I had been sliding down emotionally for a little while , and was not a happy camper . Meeting her was such a great experience . There 's something about seeing someone face - to - face that is so theraputic . So , yeah , I 'm really looking forward to next weekend and hoping I can make the get together . Posted by Okay , the pity party is over . I wrote a big , long , whiny post yesterday , but then decided not to post it . Yeah , it was really whiny . Amazing what a back rub , a book read just because , an old friend stopping by , and meeting with a new friend can do for the blues . See , I really try to stay positive , and most of the time , it works . But sometimes , it is just hard , really hard . But that 's okay , ' cause I can do hard things . Most kids Aaron 's age are starting to walk and talk . They may stagger , but that 's why we call them toddlers . And most of the time , I love to watch them and interact with them . But sometimes , it grabs me that my baby won 't do that , at least not in this life . And frankly , lugging his equipment around all the time , well , it takes TIME . Like today , I timed putting him in the car at the hospital . 13 minutes ! And that 's from when I unlocked the car until I went around to get in the driver 's seat . Anyone who knows me , knows that it 's a struggle to be slow . I don 't like slow . So yesterday , well , it was tough . And I had a pity party . Reasonable ? Probably not . Did it anyway ? Yep . Today , however , was a new day . You know the song from " Annie ? " " The Sun 'll Come Out Tomorrow ? " Well , there wasn 't much in the way of sunshine around here today , not literally . In fact , this morning the radio was referring to the weather as a typical summer day , in Seattle . But in my mind , it was much better . This morning I went out for a run with Jonathan . Now , my runs aren 't much in the way of workouts for him . But he 's willing to go with me just to keep me company . I 'm looking forward to when I can run well enough that we can also talk at the same time . He 's really taking on quite the service project in being my running partner , and I appreciate it . After that , I loaded up Aaron and we went up to Shriners Hospital to get his feet cast . This time there was no trouble with it . And it actually went quite quickly . Now the little monkey has his pulse / ox probe on his hands instead of his feet . I think he 's enjoying it there , and he makes the monitor beep quite a bit because he 's always waving his hands around . Aaron is such a peaceful , patient soul . His casts go all the way from his toes up to the top of his thighs . And since the purpose of them is to reposition his feet , they aren 't in his usual position . I really don 't think I would be very comfortable with that at all . But Aaron , true to his nature , is just taking it all in stride . After Shriners , we went over to Primary 's . There is an 11 - year - old girl with T18 who was having surgery today . Her mom and I have been facebook friends for about a year now , and she was one who really helped me when Aaron was getting his trach . It was so fun to meet them and to talk with Jennifer . Elanor is going into 6th grade and is in a regular public school . She even goes in with the mainstream classes for part of the day . Jennifer says she really enjoys interacting with the other kids . I didn 't even dream this might be possible , but maybe Aaron can do that , too . I am so grateful for all these other moms who walk this way with me . And then , as if things weren 't going well enough , a dear friend stopped by to see how I was doing . She brought flowers and peanut butter M & Ms to cheer me up . Nothing says love like chocolate ! She did warn me about overdosing on them . Oops . . . . William and the three oldest boys are at a scout camp all week , so tonight we had a small group for Family Home Evening . The girls helped the younger boys make cookies and then we decorated Aaron 's casts . Plaster is much more moldable than fiberglass , so they are the plain white , old - fashioned , don 't - get - wet casts . Well , not anymore . He 's wearing a " Born to Build " outfit , so we took tool stickers and paint and decorated them all up . I have to say , they 're pretty colorful now . So , all in all , today has been a much brighter day than the past couple . Even if the sun had a hard time shining , it was shining in my heart . Trisomy 18 , also known as Edwards syndrome , is where a child has three of the 18th chromosome . Most people have two of each chromosome , one from mom and one from dad . In a trisomy , the child gets two of one chromosome from one parent and one from the other . Think tricycle , three . Imagine if you made a batch of cookies and it called for two cups of sugar . Sugar is good , it 's necessary for the cookies to turn out the way you expect them to . But instead , you put in three cups . You then proceed to mix and bake the cookies . They 're not going to be the way you expect , and it 's the same way for that extra chromosome . Our bodies don 't " read " the code well when there 's an extra portion added in , and it causes all kinds of complications . But just like " typical " children , there is a wide range of abilities and challenges for children with a trisomy . Many of the anomolies occur along the mid - line : the brain , the mouth ( cleft lips and palates ) the heart , lungs , diaphragm , and kidneys . Some are more severe than others . Each child is unique , each is special . I like to use the sugar in my analogy because each one child is so sweet . In our home , we say that the 18th chromosome holds the secret to love . Aaron got an extra love chromosome , and he uses it to bless our lives . |
The two men listened to the dowager talk about her son and grandchildren . Jensen preferred not having to converse at the table so he was happy with listening to the ramblings of his aunt . Jared wasn 't used to it and took Jensen 's quiet as the norm at the table here . Jared looked at his husband 's red face and was grateful she had not spoken to him . " I 'm sorry , Aunt . I don 't know what came over me . " Jared followed the duke towards the rose gardens . Jensen removed his sword from its sheath and turned towards the taller man . " We 've only fought once , and it was in the dark during a dire situation . I want to see what you do know before we start . " Jared removed his sword and went into a stance . Jensen smirked and waited on him . Jared 's right eyebrow rose in surprise . His husband entered no stance at all . " What are you doing , Jensen ? " Jared grew angry and leaped into an attack which Jensen easily avoided . Turning , the baron went after the duke . Within five minutes , the taller man 's sword was on the ground about ten feet away and Jensen 's was pointed at his throat . " Yes , I was . I was trying to escape death and found myself fighting ten men in a very dark hallway . I was injured , but I walked away , leaving ten dead men behind me . " Jensen suddenly leaped into an attack , and the duel started . Jared was a good swordsman , Jensen thought as they slowly circled each other . The baron preferred to rush into his opponent . Size can help with that , but it also made the larger man a target for anyone who knew how to fight . He faced his opponent head on . Jensen did a couple of quick steps and had Jared backing up , trying to avoid being stabbed . The duke stopped and shook his head . " I think I 've won this duel , Jared . For the remainder of the lesson , we are going to work on footwork and body position . " The remainder of the afternoon was spent with Jensen running the older man through drills . When the duke finally called a halt to the training , the baron was frustrated and angry . He grabbed his sword and took off towards the house , leaving the younger man standing in the rose garden , shaking his head . Jensen , entering quietly , stood and listened to the tirade . His husband called him a number of choice names . He blushed slightly , hoping his aunt wouldn 't know them but he wasn 't hopeful . " Jared , I only wanted to keep you alive when you come up against a competent swordsman . I won 't make any more attempts . I apologize for making you work . " " Leave him be . He needs to calm down just as you do . I 'm guessing that the Commander of Morgan 's armies is not the swordsman my nephew expected . Neither of you handled it well ? " " But you didn 't have to fight in any serious battles . It was all but handed to you . You 're good , Jared , but not good enough . " " That I can deal with . I 'll get Chris and eight of my men . I will be with them , and you can train us as your master taught you . Just a promise that you don 't act out any more . We both know the reason now . " I wish to apologize for the length of time since I 've posted a chapter . I had two accidents . I fell for no apparent reason and injured my foot , ankle , and lower leg . A week later it happened again . I aggravated the first injury and injured my lower back near the tail bone . I am back walking due to now having a cane with 4 small legs on it . The pain is such now that I can concentrate on what the characters are telling me . The baron grinned . " Jensen , she knows it 's not going to happen on a whim . Your aunt is one very smart woman . She does have us where she wants us though . " The duke was sitting on a chair pulling on his boots , and he looked up at his husband . " You know damn well I had nowhere else to go , Jared . If we went home , Morgan would have had us . We had to see the Bishop before we left town , and the Bishop 's palace is on the opposite side of town from the road home . " Soon both men were dressed , hair combed , and heading toward the door . Jensen led the way downstairs . Upon entering the hall , he asked the servant where he would find his aunt . The countess interrupted , " You are not that naive , Jensen . The bed is the most comfortable place for a romantic tryst . Although I must admit that your uncle and I tried a number of different places through the years . " The older woman looked into his shocked green eyes . " I know you two consummated your wedding night . From what little I have come to know of Jared , I believe he probably knows your body and how it responds to the proper caress better than you do , Jensen . So , please quit pretending to be so innocent . If you can look me straight in the eyes and tell me that you laid there like a wet fish and felt nothing and did not respond to him , then I 'll stop my comments . You really would be naive . That would seem impossible to me . " The countess stood up and walked towards her nephew . She ran a hand down his cheek and held his chin gently . " Because you 've been hunted and persecuted your entire life , boy . You 've never known love . That night you experienced it ; I know you did . Your mind and your body would have screamed out for it . I know you would not have been able to deny the need … the desire . Hell boy . It would have been hunger . " She reached up and patted his cheek . " Give it time , " she murmured as she felt the stiffness leave him . " You 'll want it again when you 're ready . Jared is most willing to wait because he loves you , boy . " " Thank you , aunt , " Jensen whispered . He kept running his fingers through the older man 's hair . " It 's so soft , " came a quiet comment . Jared 's voice was rough when he spoke , " I want you to know that I love you , Jensen . I am so sorry for all the pain and heartache I have put you through , and I swear I will do everything in my power to make you happy and bring you peace and love . I can and will wait on you . You will never be forced by me in any way for the rest of our lives . " Jensen stuttered as he whispered softly , " If you will give me the time to heal and help me reach that point , then please know that some day I will want that with you . No one else , Jared . Just let me heal . " Jared gently pulled the smaller man into his arms and held him , leaning his chin on the younger man 's head . " Yes , I will , " he whispered . " Now let 's go before she comes back out with some other insane comment . " Jared walked through the gardens , his heart aching . Jensen would need so much help to overcome his issues . It almost frightened the man because he knew he was the cause of some his husband 's problems . Seeing the dowager countess in the distance , he took a deep breath and went to face her judgment . The older woman stared up at the man and motioned to a chair . " Sit down , Jared . " The man standing in front of her took a seat and stared at her … waiting . " Leave nothing out . I don 't care if is embarrassing to either of you . I seriously don 't care if you think it will make me angry ; I 'm already disturbed . " " I was in Mystrar handling family matters . My brother was serving Morgan when he was told that Jensen had attacked a woman that my brother and Pellegrino were both paying attention to . He called the duke out , but Jensen did not deny the allegations . The duel was set for the following morning . All I knew … all I was told was my brother lost his sword , and Jensen ran him through . " I didn 't know his background then , but I 've come to learn a great deal about him since then . Jensen just buries everything and says nothing . He has never had anyone believe him for anything he has said to defend himself . " " We invaded Saven and found some resistance in the north . Morgan wanted it tended to and wanted me to get Jensen . He offered to give him to me as a husband and the ownership of his land . I . . uh . . I said no . " " I was angry as I thought he was a traitor . " " That is understandable , Jared . There is no way that you could have known that he was an honorable man . " " Pelligrino won the toss and the right to go after him . I wondered why he wanted him so badly . To be honest , I didn 't really get a good look at Jensen . " While the problems were occurring up north , I went to tend to them . We only met a little resistance , but I found out later that Jensen 's brother was injured in one of the battles . He died on the way home , and the shock of the news killed the duke . Jensen came home to be named duke and then face their deaths . . " " I was not informed of the deaths until much later when Avenleigh was surrounded . I actually went and talked to Morgan . He guaranteed Jensen 's safety and the protection of the land . I went back when news of the burning of the land came to me , " the dowager interrupted . " That 's when he sent me to handle it because he was furious . I have no understanding why Morgan is still letting Pellegrino serve him . Morgan told me the man was the cause of my brother 's death , but he needed to know why Jensen betrayed him . " " I can answer part of that question , Jared . The man 's father is a high ranking official to the king of the country Morgan comes from . There has to be a very good reason for his death . Nothing else will do . Letting him die for the wrong reason will only bring war upon Saven from a more powerful army . " " My brother 's death is his word against that of others . I have to find a reason that will be acceptable then ? This is not good . " " When I arrived , I took control of the situation . I had many conversations with him at his gate . I actually enjoyed angering him ; causing him to become flustered was actually fun . He has quite a temper but controls it well . This went on until the day the widow came to bargain with me . " " He has more patience than I would have . That night he attempted to leave with his nephew . I thought he was deserting the estate , but he was actually attempting to make a way to have the boy taken to family across the border . The next day , I was informed that he was at the Convent and that the Monsignor had him prisoner . We rode into the stable yard just as the duke exited the rear . He was bleeding from his left shoulder but held a sword in his right hand . A priest appeared out of the door and raised a blade . I yelled for Jensen to drop , and one of my men put an arrow in the man . " The older woman smiled and nodded . " I gave him that sword when he stayed with me . He took lessons here and practiced at home , I 'm told , when his father wasn 't around . " " I 'm told he practiced with a master while in Morgan 's service . He knows tricks I 've never seen before . I would like for him to teach me . " " How could you do that to him after all the things you promised him ? If I could move well enough I would attempt to beat the shite out of you . I don 't understand why he came back and faced you and Morgan again ! " Jared 's shoulders slumped , he held his hands between his legs and bowed his head , weeping . He told the duke 's aunt his reasons . They were quiet for a while as the remainder of the story went through her thoughts . " Yes , no one touched him except for me . As for my making love to him , he might want to deny it but he can 't . He was caught up into it . His face had the look of ecstasy . " " You would have never caught him , Jared . He knows the land like no other . There are trails in areas that are not widely known or traveled . He took one of those , I 'm sure . " " Chris , my second in command , was furious with me and stayed to protect Jensen . I went home to Caerdon and began to drink . I was in a bad situation for those three months . Morgan commanded all the nobles to attend a celebration as Queen Mary is with child . " " Morgan demanded that we stay at the palace together . Jensen took out our guard with a very nice trick with his sword . We escaped and went to the Bishop 's Palace . The Bishop refused the annulment and demanded that we settle our differences to save our marriage . " " Thank you , " Jared whispered and rose , taking the woman 's hand to kiss it . " My nephew kissed my cheek when he left . As you are now my nephew through marriage , I would like one from you also . " Jared entered the house and headed upstairs to the suite he shared with his husband . The rooms were dim . He took off his boots , shirt , and trousers . Walking into the bedroom , he could tell by the man 's breathing that he was awake . He heard a soft sigh as the younger man turned over and moved softly against him . Jared pulled him closer and held him . Soon the duke 's breathing slowed , and the man was asleep . Jensen woke early and headed downstairs . No one was in sight so he headed outside to walk in his aunt 's gardens , which were extensive . His mind wondered back to the time he spent with her . He wished his father had never sent for him . Sighing , he headed towards the center of the garden , looking for the tables and chairs she kept there . The thought of sitting quietly and trying to clear his head was enticing . " Come sit down , boy , " the older woman called to him . Resigned to his fate , the duke walked towards the table set under a tree . He leaned down and kissed the offered cheek . His aunt looked at him , scanning his body . " I still stay in contact with my friends in the Caerdon , Jensen . I have a perfect idea what happened last night . For once , Jared did the right thing . " " Let 's see . " the older woman spoke softly , watching her nephew closely . " Why don 't we start with the biggest problem . Shall we ? " " I 've talked to the new king , and both he and his wife spoke highly of you . He wanted to know why you betrayed him . I imagine your father gave you strict orders where you felt that you had no choice . You wouldn 't risk losing what little control you held over Avenleigh . " " It is past time you spoke to someone about it , Jensen . I 'm a safe ear . I know that pretty much everyone knows it happened . I just want to hear the absolute truth … not assumptions . " " Jensen , be honest with me . You need to let this out of your system . You must face it , boy . It will eat you up inside if you don 't , " the older woman spoke gently , looking up to see the baron enter the area . She knew he heard what was being said . She glared at him so he found a seat in the shadows where he would not be noticed . " The Chamberlain took me upstairs to the private rooms . Sebastian and his five advisers were in room , sitting at a table . , " Jensen commented softly . Jared winced , remembering how the duke froze when he saw the Bishop and his men sitting at the table in the Bishop 's Palace . " Damnation , " he whispered softly . " I told him that Morgan was prepared to cross the water and invade , and that the people would welcome him . Sheppard countered my report and said I was wrong . He told the king that Morgan was nowhere near coast . " " If he was , I didn 't know it . Knew the people were unhappy . I wasn 't wrong ; they welcomed him with open arms . " The duke was startled at what his aunt had called him . He took a couple of deep breaths and continued . " He , " Jensen winced and tried again , " He asked his people to leave . He tried to get me to sleep with him , and he mentioned knowing about when I was eighteen . He said I was not a virgin because my father told him I wasn 't . " " I told him I would report him . He called his guards and they … they tried to take me down , but I fought . They all took turns before he let me go . He said they were witnesses that it was consensual . " The duke fell at his aunty 's feet , and she pulled him into her arms . The duke broke down , sobbing almost hysterically . Margaret ran her fingers through his hair and whispered soothing sounds of comfort . She let him cleanse his soul of the pain he was so overwhelmed with . Looking up at the baron , she moved her head to make him leave . For the next two hours , the duke stayed on the ground with his head in his aunt 's lap , his arms gripped around her waist . The trembling slowly calmed . Margaret quieted down but kept her fingers running through his hair . She knew that what had happened at the palace reinforced these fears , but Jared would have to aid in healing those wounds . " Jensen , why don 't you go and take a soothing hot bath , then have a nap . This took a lot out of you . You should rest . " " That is good , son . You need him . He is your husband , and he should make you feel comfortable enough … protected enough … to be able to sleep the night through . That is all good . Don 't be ashamed to ask him for that or anything else you need from him . " Taking his leave , the young man walked towards the house . He asked for a bath to be prepared . Jared had returned before him and told the footman to make sure a good breakfast was sent up to the duke when he came in . July 15 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 18 : Sharing a Room " I retire early , so I will have a meal sent to the suite for you two . This is a small house , and there are only two bedrooms . The other is mine . " Margaret looked at the duke . " Jensen ? " " You have the chance to make a good marriage out of this debacle . Don 't be a fool . A solitary life is a lonely life so talk to your husband , and listen to him . Forgive him for whatever it is that has hurt you . Don 't grow old alone , my boy . You deserve better than that . " " Trying is not enough . Fight for your happiness . I 'll tell you there is no doubt in my mind that your happiness lies with this giant of a man whose smile could melt your heart . " You quit doing the asinine things you 've done so far . Take a good look at my nephew . He deserves your best , and I expect you to be the most understanding man he 's ever met . I also want you to make his love life incredible . I think you are probably more experienced than he is . Make love to him daily . Believe me , boy . He 'll stop fighting it and start wanting it . " " I 'm not a fool , Jensen . I can read your eyes . You have feelings for him , and you are fighting them . The heart wants what the heart wants . You will feel hunger , and you will not sleep well until you face this and accept it . " The elderly woman rose to her feet , and both men stood . " I will see you both in the morning . If you are not showing signs of having been ravished , I will have more words with you . " " No , nephew . Be the man you were meant to be before too many men robbed you of it . Jared , help him find that man . Good night , you two . If you follow me up , I 'll show you your rooms . " " Perhaps , but you 've been traveling for days , Jen . I know you prefer to be clean before you sleep so I see no reason why we both can 't bathe while the water is hot . It 's not like we don 't know each other intimately . " The duke bent over and felt the water temperature . Jared noticed the scars on his back for the first time . He took several deep breaths to calm his anger over what the 18 year old boy had dealt with . Jensen stepped into the tub and leaned back , his body going under the water . Jared followed suit . The two men bathed and soaked in the hot water , reveling in its soothing effect . Jared reached for a towel and began to dry off . He noticed the duke watching his every move and felt his heart lift at it . " Jen , let 's don 't start that again . I want to feel you next to me , not your clothing . I 've seen more of you than you have . We sleep nude . " The duke snorted , but the baron continued . " I started out trying to break through your walls and I think you started to rely on me . I know I failed you . No … don 't speak yet . Let me finish . The day of the wedding , I was afraid you would fight Morgan 's commands . I threatened you to force you to give in to protect the estate . When you keened , I had to turn away because I was in tears . I felt that I had broken you . The thing is , Jen , he would have had people there to watch us consummate the marriage instead of a healer examining you in the morning . I could not put you through another state endorsed rape in the palace . I 'm sorry it happened the way it did . However , I 'm not sorry we made love and that it made both of us happy for a few minutes . " Jensen bit his bottom lip and chewed on it , drawing the baron 's eyes towards his mouth . The man started trembling , a soft sob turning into a moan . Jared looked up from his mouth and saw the pain and heartache in the green eyes . The duke stood , trying to walk but stumbled . He landed on the floor with a soft keening sound escaping his lips . Jared fell to the floor next to him and pulled him into his lap . The younger man leaned into him , a hand clutching the warrior 's robe . Jared could hear short gasps coming from the younger man , but he did not struggle to leave . The larger man set Jensen back down on the floor . He rose to his feet before leaning down to pick the other man up . Holding him close to his chest , he carried him into the sleeping area of the bedchamber . Leaning down , the baron reached for the quilt and pulled it back before placing his husband upon the bed . The duke moved over on the bed , making room for the older man . Jared put on a clean set of smallclothes before climbing into the bed to snuggle against the younger man 's back . He wrapped his arm and a leg around him , holding him close . He heard the man sigh softly . The two men walked down the hall , Jensen carrying his luggage . The king 's guard led them upstairs to a suite of rooms . He opened the door and moved aside to let the two noblemen enter . " Damnation ! You sarding sodomite , I told you to move ! " The guard tore into the room and reached out to shove the duke . Jensen whirled around , blade drawn , and struck the man with the hilt in his fisted hand . He stood over the unconscious guard , a smirk on his face . " You didn 't expect that from a sarding sodomite , did you ? " Jensen turned to the baron . " Help me get him into one of the bed chambers . We need to truss him and gag him . " Jensen waited in a small grove of ornamental trees near the gate . Jared approached from the stables with four horses . His luggage attached to one , and Jensen placed his on a second horse . Jensen entered the church and found a priest lighting candles . " Pardon me , Father , " he spoke softly . " I am looking for the Bishop 's palace . " " Jared , you have a lot to answer for but I believe you know that . Jensen , you have a lot to deal with . The two of you must work on this together ; you may not live apart . The king was wrong to have any of this occur in the palace , but I expect you to find somewhere nearby and deal with your issues . " " Yes but not today . He and I actually want the same thing . You running Avenleigh and returning the land to what it should be - Jared as your confident and protector . Now you are both dismissed . " Jensen mounted his horse and waited on Jared . He nodded to the man and headed out of the courtyard . The duke led them towards the northern outskirts of the city . Jensen was quiet for a moment , then answered , " Yes . She helped me realize that I wasn 't a bad person . Too much water has gone under the bridge . I forgot much of what she told me . I need to relearn it . " " Quit playing games with me , Jensen . We both know you never notice a woman 's beauty . " The woman turned her gaze upon the baron . " Is this the husband the king saddled you with ? " Jared leaned in and took the woman 's hand and gave a gallant bow as he kissed it . Jensen 's eyes widened . His aunt had a smirk on her face . " " You are incredibly tall , Baron , but your looks make up for that . Jensen , he has dimples bigger than yours . I imagine he 's proportional ? " The countess stared at her nephew . " I keep up with things , Jensen . I know what happened . Be grateful because you could have done much worse . Sit down , both of you . " " Pshaw ! You 're married . I 'm going to institute what the king started . You two will share the room and bed . " Margaret turned towards Jared . " I expect him to have a little trouble sitting down tomorrow . If he walks stiffly , you 're doing your job right . " July 4 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 16 : Three Months Later Jensen walked the rampart late in the evening . He 'd been doing so since the day after Jared had appeared . Christian had received a missive from the king demanding his presence and had left the week before . It had been three months since he 'd come home . He realized he didn 't want to sleep alone . His body ached for something , and he refused to put a name to it . The duke just knew that he burned inside . " No , you haven 't . Not yet . Jensen has received nothing from Morgan about the land . The Bishop is most likely going to turn him down because you two had such a good time together on the wedding night . " " Jensen should be receiving his summons by tomorrow . If want this marriage , you need to plead your side in it . For once , be damned honest in front of Jensen . " " Yeah . Morgan told me to sober you up because he 's holding a major celebration in honor of Mary 's pregnancy . Mary requested that you be there so you have to be sober . " Jensen woke from another nightmare . This time he was hanging off the edge of a cliff and Jared , damn him , had him by one hand . He groaned because he had begged the wretched man to save him . He turned over , trying to go back to sleep but he ended up tossing and turning , trying to calm himself down . After an hour of restless sleep , he dreamed again . This time there was no doubt what his brain and body were trying to tell him . He dreamt it was spring , and the apple trees were flowering . He and Jared were laying on a blanket in one of the eastern orchards . Both of them were naked and Jared was … . " No . " he exclaimed hoarsely . " I won 't go there . " " Dreams . . nightmares … he 's barely getting any sleep . I 've had the captain keeping an eye on him . It 's why he stayed . " " You knew he was raped in this palace , and you still forced him to consummate the marriage with me here of all places . He was going to balk and I lied and told him … the things I said … Damn you , Jeff ! He thinks ! What does it matter now ? He 'll never trust me after that . " " I probably have most of that coming , and I apologize . I wanted to guarantee you wouldn 't pretend the marriage was consummated just to protect him . I honestly wanted him to have a beautiful experience . You can 't tell me you didn 't give him one . Neither of you will be able to look me in the eye and tell me he didn 't . " The young lord sighed tiredly and rose to his feet . " Seat them in the lounge . See if they have eaten . If they haven 't , offer a meal . If they don 't want that , have Miss Ellen prepare a tea . I 'll join them then . " The two men stared at each other across the room . Jensen entered , and both stood . He shook his head and motioned both of them to sit back down . Sitting on the other couch , he stared at the two . " Let me see to your needs first . I gather we are having tea so you 've both eaten ? " " Have you made sleeping arrangements ? The inn here is stark with plain fare for the morning so you are welcome to stay the night here . My servants will see to your needs . " He looked down at the king 's letter and was informed there was a royal celebration for the pregnancy of the queen . He was informed there would be a presentation of the lords to the queen . Sighing , he knew that not all the lords would think of it in the same way but he was raised to follow strict etiquette . He was glad his finery had been cleaned and jewels polished . Jensen rose to feet and walked over to Travis , telling him to have Zechariah see to their needs for the night . He would be indisposed until the morrow . He left the house . " You made good time , Your Grace , " the king remarked in answer to the bow . He looked at the young man and there was little doubt he was exhausted and had lost some weight . The duke looked anywhere but at his former general . " It is customary to look at me when you respond , so I expect a proper reply . " " I have no idea . Our beloved friend and general has given us a suite with two attached bed chambers . I 've been told that until the party , we are being forced to remain there . " There was an overwhelming group of opinions after the last chapter . I decided to go with what my characters tell me . I needed to be true to the story . This chapter is Jensen 's reaction to the event of the day before and follows through the next four days Jared had lied to him . The man used kind words and concern to try to break down his barriers , and he had managed to do it . Jensen felt betrayed ; he remembered responding to the man 's sexual advances and felt nauseated . The duke crept off the bed and dressed quietly . He would go through the gardens with his luggage and escape that way . It took several hours on foot before he finally reached Jared 's house . Going to the stables , he saddled his horse and mounted his luggage on a second . He knew he had a few hours start on Jared , and the man would ride like the wind to catch him . Ackles turned off the main road and took back ways to avoid being caught . Jared did not know the lay of the land as well as he did . He spent the next two and a half days , stopping only to rest the horses . He didn 't stop to eat or sleep . He reached the outskirts of the estate and almost sobbed in relief . He needed to hurry to prepare for the baron 's arrival . " I 'll explain everything later . Right now , we have to prepare . Jason , go into the village and purchase whatever food you can get . Tell them to be prepared . " Her comment made the duke shake uncontrollably . " He wanted proof . Only , I wasn 't there when the doctor came . I traveled the back roads and got here half a day ahead of Jared . " The butler turned to the footman , " Travis , have a hot bath sent up . Ellen prepare a meal for the duke to be sent up to his rooms . Your Grace , your commander can handle things for now . You need to sleep . " " It was in the palace where … " Jensen broke down crying , going to the floor on his knees . The young priest knelt with him and held the man . He said nothing , allowing the duke release the pain . Jensen had eaten and laid down to take a small nap . Jason told the servants not to waken him . Jo took Ben to the nursery and entertained the three year old . " That would not be feasible , my lord . The duke is not in any shape to deal with you at this time . Go back to Caerdon , and he will contact you to discuss his terms . " " He told me everything . How you made it seem perfect , but behind it was the threat to his lands and the memory of the rape by King Sebastian in the same building . Then you were going to allow a physician to examine him to make sure you had him good and proper . " " I am , " Christian answered . " Some of your men want to stay and help also . He won their respect , Jared . You lost it with what you did . " Christian looked at the secretary and the priest . " He 's headed back to Caerdon , I can guarantee . We 'll wait until he 's gone and , if Jensen approves , we 'd like to enter . I 'll train him an army . " One of the men on guard let the captain know that some people were walking towards the gate . Christian saddled his horse and rode alone . He was not playing a psychological game with the duke because he only wanted to help . " Oh , he 's very unhappy . He told me what he did and why it upset you . I would love to just beat him to a pulp , but he 's got a good seven or eight inches on me . He 's gone , Jensen . He 's headed back to Caerdon to try to change Morgan 's mind about giving you back the land . " " Morgan thought everything was going to be right between you and if Jared hadn 't said what he said , making you think you had to do this to keep and protect your land , it might have been . Maybe , at a much later date , you can talk and settle things because there were a lot of times when he was good for you . Somewhere inside of you , you know that . " " It won 't happen , Jensen . You two consummated the marriage . I know what he did could be thought of as rape . I think so , but according to the law , this is an arranged marriage that you agreed to . Even if you didn 't , you were under the King 's law and control . The Bishop won 't touch it . " " Because he 's stubborn and he 's wrong . I figure you need a friend and help . The men with me agree with that so we 'll train you an army , and I 'll lead it for you . You keep your garrison within the keep to guard it , and we 'll protect the land . I 'll send out couriers to the other estates and the villages , and we 'll train them well . Once you have full control of the estate , you can afford to pay them . " WARNING ! ! There is what may be taken as possible dubcon in this chapter . My beta loves this story but hates this one chapter . I am so angry with Jared but I am one of those writers whose characters tell them what happens . Jared should have done all he could to protect Jensen from having this happen in the palace where his innocence was stolen from him Jensen was somehow able to avoid going into a panic attack and I admire the self control he managed to find . Do I believe he 's lost ? No . I think there is still some fight in him and Jared had better beware . " You told Morgan that you agreed with his plans . You told him you wanted it . That you wanted me . How is that supposed to help me ? " " I am being given away as a piece of property to the king 's greatest warrior . There is no one to take my side in this battle . I 've lost before I can even fight , " the duke told him . " That 's supposed to make it right ? To make me just lay back and let you have your way with me ? The king has made me a whore , Jared , " Jensen said bitterly . " Jensen , Morgan has declared his justice . You are not going to die ; you are not going to be whored out . You will marry me . You will give in to my desires and make them yours . You will show the healer proof that I have taken you on the morrow . " " Jensen , I promise I won 't hurt you . I don 't have it in me to do so . But I was not raised to tend an estate . Mine was taken from me when I was a baby . I would ruin the land . If you can 't do it for you and me , then do it for Avenleigh . " The duke 's shoulders sagged in defeat and he closed his eyes , fighting back tears . He walked towards the fountain in the center of the gardens . Jared rose to his feet and followed , with the knowledge that he won , but at what cost ? The younger man did not look up . He spoke in a quiet voice , " Tell me what you expect from me . What do I have to pay or give to save my land ? " Jared winced . This was not what he wanted . " Live in peace with me , work the land with me , entertain with me , and share my bed as my husband in every way that entails . " At 6 : 45 , the two men walked to the chapel . Jensen was pale but held himself together with what pride he still had . Jared walked close to him , and arm around him with his hand on the man 's lower back . The chamberlain and Christian met the two , and the four of them entered the chapel . The room was empty for the moment . The duke walked to the front and knelt at the prayer rail . The other three men talked in low whispers near the entrance . Morgan turned to everyone . " Let 's find a seat and let the Bishop do his job . " He looked at Jared , " Are your men going to be here ? We need people to bed you two . " Jensen could hear voices but did not rise . His heart cried out , and he tried to calm himself before he panicked . He recognized the onset of it because it had only happened a few times before . When his father made him watch the man he 'd kissed be beaten to death and then attempted to do the same to him , he had felt it for the first time . It happened again when his sword ran through Padalecki 's brother . It only happened one other time … when Sebastian took him . He was scared . No , that wasn 't even the right word . He was terrified . The baron smiled softly when the trembling hand was placed in his . He reached over and put his other hand around Jensen 's waist and helped him rise . The man groaned softly . " Don 't do that , Jared . We made a bargain to save my land , and I will keep it . Just . . don 't tell me you will help me through what you have helped cause , " he asked . The bishop stood in front of the altar , and the two men faced him . Jensen kept his voice calm and said his vows . The priest pronounced that they were wed . Jared put his arms around Jensen and pulled him in for a deep kiss knowing there would be no fight . Some of the men laughed , and the duke stood up and stared around him . " I have done everything I 've been asked to do . I will finish what I was ordered to do , but I will not allow anyone to take me to the bed chamber and undress me . I am quite capable of doing it myself . " He stood in the hall , hearing the laughter from behind him . He could even imagine the ribald remarks being made on his behalf . He wanted to cry but refused to give anyone that pleasure . The room was massive , and it had a large bed . In an alcove were two baths prepared for the men . A fire roared in the grate , and candles were set strategically to add a romantic atmosphere . The chamberlain bade the two good night before leaving them alone . Jensen looked around him and hated it because it was a room made for lovers . He all but whimpered . " What ? " Jared walked up behind him . " I 'll take that one . You do not have to accept the idea that you are beneath me . Well , except in the bedroom , " the warrior grinned . The ducal garments and jewelry were placed in the second case . Ackles stood in his undergarments and felt the water . He knew the baron was right . It would soothe him . Jared walked up behind him and began to massage his shoulders . At first he thought the duke was going to fight him but suddenly , he relaxed , slowly leaning into the taller man . The large hands and lean fingers worked out knots , and a soft moan escaped the pouting lips . The baron slowly slipped his fingers beneath the edge of the under shirt and lifted it up over the shorter man 's head . Jensen 's head fell back against the older man 's chest . Jared reached to the top of the undergarment and felt the duke 's hands stop him as the man pulled away . Jared turned to remove his own clothing . He heard a slight splash of water and smiled . It was going to take time . He just had to make sure that Jensen experienced something as akin to ecstasy as he could create for him . He wanted the man to want sex with him … to desire it . Jared pushed him onto his back , and the nobleman caught his breath in fear . The larger man laid on his side and leaned in , moving his mouth over Jensen 's ear , slightly licking and then nipping it . He moved behind the ear and down his neck , leaving love marks on him . The smaller male closed his eyes , trying to avoid the anger he felt at those marks . He 'd been so specific that it was not happen and now he could not stop it . Jared stopped every time he suckled the duke 's body to leave a mark . He left the bruise before there was much more than a sting . Jensen felt his heart rate going up and worried about it . He was starting to react to the actions the baron was doing to him . The warrior slowly moved down the duke 's shoulder and moved toward his chest . He looked up at the man and could see that he had closed his eyes . He was not squeezing them shut in panic , and that was a good sign . Ackles chewed his bottom lip , and Jared leaned in and kissed him . He let his mouth linger , pulling in the lower lip and sucking on it . Jensen made the first sound that proved he was reacting to what the Baron was doing . He moaned slightly . Jared 's tongue pushed at the man 's lips , demanding entrance . Without thinking , Jensen opened to him . The younger man had forgotten what it was like to be kissed this way . His body , remembering the feeling , responded . His tongue started to move and battle the baron 's . Jared pulled him into his arms and deepened the kiss . Jensen felt lost in the feeling the kiss was causing . He wanted to push away , but his body had rebelled against him . Jared 's hand reached for his other nipple , gently squeezing it . The groan that came from him was much deeper and louder than before . It terrified him . The duke felt like he was in a dream world . The feelings were overwhelming , and he had lost all control . He couldn 't fight the man who was touching , sucking , and licking him , and he didn 't want to anymore . All he could do was to lay there and let him have what he wanted . Suddenly , he froze as Jared 's hand reached his cock . He had not realized that it had hardened and was leaking . The baron fisted him and began to move his hand up and down , the thumb going over the slit at the tip and using the precum to slicken him . He moaned and pushed into the Jared 's hand and cried out when his cock started to shoot cum in spurts . Everything grew still . Jensen was gasping for air , frightened that this had happened and he 'd enjoyed it . Jared slowly licked his stomach , lapping up the spent . The younger man closed his eyes and groaned at the feeling . Jared slowly caressed Jensen 's balls , rolling them in his hands . He leaned down and sucked one into his mouth , and the duke swore . The warrior smiled around the mouth full of testicle and worked the other after he released the one . He sucked and licked the jointure of the man 's thighs to his body . Jensen was whining at that point . Jared reached up and felt Jensen 's cock and found that it had hardened again . Lack of experience meant his body was going to respond more and allow him multiple orgasms , much like a youth . Jared had hoped for it and was excited to see it . He slowly ran his tongue up the nerve bundle on the duke 's cock and sucked in the top , his tongue pushing into the slit . At this point , Jensen had two fists full of Jared 's hair . The duke screamed when Jared swallowed him . It was not long before the man was pushing his body into the baron 's face . The baron held the man close to him , rubbing his lower back , soothing him . He wanted the duke to relax and for his body to rest . The next time he was taking him completely . Coming twice meant he would last longer , and it was the warrior 's desire for the ride to last a while and to hear the man cry out every time he hit his sweet spot . He got out of bed , and the duke whimpered . Smiling , he walked over to the table and poured two glasses of wine . He wanted Jensen to be as calm and relaxed as he could get him . Jensen drank the glass of wine with the baron and let the man pull him close . It felt intimate and , at this point , there was no reason not to be . He dozed slightly . The duke started breathing fast but started to calm a little when he felt the baron 's tongue touch him there . He bit his lip to remain quiet . Jared licked and slightly sucked on the pink pucker , and Jensen lost the ability to be quiet . He moaned softly . The baron reached for the jar of oil on the table next to the bed and dipped his fingers into it . Slowly , he moved one finger into the wet hole . The duke stiffened . Jared used his other hand to rub the man 's lower back . " Relax , Jensen . It might sting , and burn but I 'm not going to take you unprepared . This is not going to cause massive pain like you suffered before . I promise you 'll like it . Have I hurt you in any way ? " Jared kept the finger still and then slowly began to move it around , slowly stretching the man . He added the second finger and stayed still , letting Jensen acclimate to it . He began to move the fingers in a scissoring fashion and elicited a slight moan . The third finger caused a small sob . He remained still and waited . Once the duke relaxed , he began to move them and hit the sweet spot . Grinning , the baron hit the spot several more times and pulled out . He heard a moan of disappointment , and his grin grew larger . Reaching for the jar of oil , he smothered his cock with it and wiped his hands on a towel . Jared turned him over , and the green eyes widened as he saw the size of the man kneeling between his legs . The baron lifted his left leg , exposing him . Jensen felt the head of the massive cock move against his hole and stiffened . Jared laid on top of him and bit down on his shoulder . The younger man cried out , and the warrior was able to push into him . Jensen stared up at the face looking down at him and felt the pressure and slight burn , but there was no severe pain . He forced himself to relax while he held his breath , waiting . Jared finally began to move , and the feeling was so different . Jensen willed himself to be still , to let the man have him . Suddenly , the baron pulled the duke 's legs over his hips and told him to push into him . Jared hit his sweet spot , and Jensen screamed his name and began to push up meeting every thrust . Each time the man pushed into him , he felt incredible pleasure . It took time for Jensen to come as his husband had hoped . Jared did not want to stroke him this time because he wanted the man to come untouched . He held himself back as he waited and watched the younger man 's face . When Jensen 's body finally responded to the drilling against his sweet spot , his hole squeezed down tight on Jared and both men came at the same time . The baron watched the duke 's face . His eyes had widened , and his mouth was open as if he tried to scream ' oh ' but it had caught in his throat . Ackles lay still , his body spiraling as he rode out the final moments of the orgasm . Jared had fallen on top of him but was still inside of him . He couldn 't think . His mind was overwhelmed . How was he supposed to deal with what had just happened ? He 'd expected to be dominated , not this . The baron had not lied to him . ' Oh , dear god , what do I do now ? ' I do hope this hasn 't angered any of you enough to quit reading . This story does have a happy ending . Please don 't be angry with me . I 'm just the scribe . June 27 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 13 : Caerdon It took three days of traveling and camping at night for the group to reach the capital . The closer they reached the city , the quieter and more reserved Jensen became . Jared found it impossible to ease the man 's fears . He finally decided that facing them was the only way . The man looked at the nobleman . He turned back to the Jared , " He 's not bound . He cannot appear before the king without manacles on his hands and feet . " Jared and his men followed the king 's messenger to the palace . As they dismounted , Jared walked towards his men and asked his sergeant for two sets of manacles for the hands and feet . He explained that there might be problems , and the men would need to remain close by . He asked for ten of them to be an honor guard and to remain armed . Ten of his closest men dismounted and followed him to the front of the troop . The messenger tried to stop them before they mounted the steps to the palace . Jared stared him down , and the man was not stupid . He backed off . The entrance was as pretentious as Jensen remembered it . He 'd seen nothing in the city to cause him to change the decision that brought him here . He lowered his head to watch where he stepped because the manacle almost hobbled him . They were met by the chamberlain . " My lord , the king is in the throne room , " he stated as he looked at Jensen . " Your grace , it pains me see you in another difficult situation . I wish the things were different . " Guards were standing outside the throne room . They opened the doors to allow the chamberlain to enter . " Sire , may I present his Grace , the Duke of Avenleigh . " Jensen took a deep breath , realizing he was entering first . He put his shoulders back and held his head high . No one in this room would see him cower . He had to almost hobble , but he did not look down . His eyes were on Jeff Morgan , his former general and friend . The duke stopped at the appropriate spot for a pensioner to plead before the king . He did not bow . Instead , he stared right back at the king . " In good conscience , I find cannot do so , Sire . " Jensen kept his voice level , and firm . No one looking at him would even imagine what was happening inside of him at that moment . " Jensen , let 's get you on your knees . It 's a moot point right now . We need to get you out of here . All right ? " " I have spent very little time in Caerdon , Sir . When I was here , I saw the opulence in the palace while the people outside were homeless , hungry , and sick . I swore never to bow and pledge fealty to a king who allowed that . " Jensen was taken to Jared 's home and was allowed to bathe and change clothes . His injured knee was bandaged to help him support his weight better as the joint healed . They sat down and ate a meal . They rode to the eastern outskirts of the city . A small town had grown up around some fields filled with sheep and cattle . The gardens were showing growth . The stores in the community were run by the homeless who were no longer living on the streets . " I am not appearing as a prisoner of the king . I am coming as the Duke of Avenleigh , former warrior for General Jeffrey Morgan . I will be accepted as such . " Jensen walked like a noble . Morgan had to admit he looked impressive . The king had not seen any of the royal robes the nobility wore on special occasions . That the duke treated this as one should be taken as an honor . The king knew that . Then he saw the sword . Jensen 's arms moved in step with his stride . His hands went nowhere near the weapon . It was being treated as a part of his clothing . Morgan noted that Jared and Christian were also armed . Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " Not in my family , Sire . I was under orders . If I had not reported to Sebastian that you were going to come and the people would welcome you , I would have been disinherited . My father only needed one reason to oust me . I had to protect Avenleigh and its people . " Rise , Jensen . I accept your pledge and drop the charges of treason . What I cannot forgive is your refusal to come and face me with the truth instead of me having to do all of this . " The king looked at the three men and smiled . " I am giving you to Baron Padalecki in marriage . You will be his spouse , and you will consummate the marriage here in the palace and give proof of it . " " The ceremony will be this evening at 7 : 00 . Why don 't you two walk the gardens and discuss the situation . Jensen , there has to be proof . The best way I know is for a doctor to examine you . " |
The two men listened to the dowager talk about her son and grandchildren . Jensen preferred not having to converse at the table so he was happy with listening to the ramblings of his aunt . Jared wasn 't used to it and took Jensen 's quiet as the norm at the table here . Jared looked at his husband 's red face and was grateful she had not spoken to him . " I 'm sorry , Aunt . I don 't know what came over me . " Jared followed the duke towards the rose gardens . Jensen removed his sword from its sheath and turned towards the taller man . " We 've only fought once , and it was in the dark during a dire situation . I want to see what you do know before we start . " Jared removed his sword and went into a stance . Jensen smirked and waited on him . Jared 's right eyebrow rose in surprise . His husband entered no stance at all . " What are you doing , Jensen ? " Jared grew angry and leaped into an attack which Jensen easily avoided . Turning , the baron went after the duke . Within five minutes , the taller man 's sword was on the ground about ten feet away and Jensen 's was pointed at his throat . " Yes , I was . I was trying to escape death and found myself fighting ten men in a very dark hallway . I was injured , but I walked away , leaving ten dead men behind me . " Jensen suddenly leaped into an attack , and the duel started . Jared was a good swordsman , Jensen thought as they slowly circled each other . The baron preferred to rush into his opponent . Size can help with that , but it also made the larger man a target for anyone who knew how to fight . He faced his opponent head on . Jensen did a couple of quick steps and had Jared backing up , trying to avoid being stabbed . The duke stopped and shook his head . " I think I 've won this duel , Jared . For the remainder of the lesson , we are going to work on footwork and body position . " The remainder of the afternoon was spent with Jensen running the older man through drills . When the duke finally called a halt to the training , the baron was frustrated and angry . He grabbed his sword and took off towards the house , leaving the younger man standing in the rose garden , shaking his head . Jensen , entering quietly , stood and listened to the tirade . His husband called him a number of choice names . He blushed slightly , hoping his aunt wouldn 't know them but he wasn 't hopeful . " Jared , I only wanted to keep you alive when you come up against a competent swordsman . I won 't make any more attempts . I apologize for making you work . " " Leave him be . He needs to calm down just as you do . I 'm guessing that the Commander of Morgan 's armies is not the swordsman my nephew expected . Neither of you handled it well ? " " But you didn 't have to fight in any serious battles . It was all but handed to you . You 're good , Jared , but not good enough . " " That I can deal with . I 'll get Chris and eight of my men . I will be with them , and you can train us as your master taught you . Just a promise that you don 't act out any more . We both know the reason now . " I wish to apologize for the length of time since I 've posted a chapter . I had two accidents . I fell for no apparent reason and injured my foot , ankle , and lower leg . A week later it happened again . I aggravated the first injury and injured my lower back near the tail bone . I am back walking due to now having a cane with 4 small legs on it . The pain is such now that I can concentrate on what the characters are telling me . The baron grinned . " Jensen , she knows it 's not going to happen on a whim . Your aunt is one very smart woman . She does have us where she wants us though . " The duke was sitting on a chair pulling on his boots , and he looked up at his husband . " You know damn well I had nowhere else to go , Jared . If we went home , Morgan would have had us . We had to see the Bishop before we left town , and the Bishop 's palace is on the opposite side of town from the road home . " Soon both men were dressed , hair combed , and heading toward the door . Jensen led the way downstairs . Upon entering the hall , he asked the servant where he would find his aunt . The countess interrupted , " You are not that naive , Jensen . The bed is the most comfortable place for a romantic tryst . Although I must admit that your uncle and I tried a number of different places through the years . " The older woman looked into his shocked green eyes . " I know you two consummated your wedding night . From what little I have come to know of Jared , I believe he probably knows your body and how it responds to the proper caress better than you do , Jensen . So , please quit pretending to be so innocent . If you can look me straight in the eyes and tell me that you laid there like a wet fish and felt nothing and did not respond to him , then I 'll stop my comments . You really would be naive . That would seem impossible to me . " The countess stood up and walked towards her nephew . She ran a hand down his cheek and held his chin gently . " Because you 've been hunted and persecuted your entire life , boy . You 've never known love . That night you experienced it ; I know you did . Your mind and your body would have screamed out for it . I know you would not have been able to deny the need … the desire . Hell boy . It would have been hunger . " She reached up and patted his cheek . " Give it time , " she murmured as she felt the stiffness leave him . " You 'll want it again when you 're ready . Jared is most willing to wait because he loves you , boy . " " Thank you , aunt , " Jensen whispered . He kept running his fingers through the older man 's hair . " It 's so soft , " came a quiet comment . Jared 's voice was rough when he spoke , " I want you to know that I love you , Jensen . I am so sorry for all the pain and heartache I have put you through , and I swear I will do everything in my power to make you happy and bring you peace and love . I can and will wait on you . You will never be forced by me in any way for the rest of our lives . " Jensen stuttered as he whispered softly , " If you will give me the time to heal and help me reach that point , then please know that some day I will want that with you . No one else , Jared . Just let me heal . " Jared gently pulled the smaller man into his arms and held him , leaning his chin on the younger man 's head . " Yes , I will , " he whispered . " Now let 's go before she comes back out with some other insane comment . " Jared walked through the gardens , his heart aching . Jensen would need so much help to overcome his issues . It almost frightened the man because he knew he was the cause of some his husband 's problems . Seeing the dowager countess in the distance , he took a deep breath and went to face her judgment . The older woman stared up at the man and motioned to a chair . " Sit down , Jared . " The man standing in front of her took a seat and stared at her … waiting . " Leave nothing out . I don 't care if is embarrassing to either of you . I seriously don 't care if you think it will make me angry ; I 'm already disturbed . " " I was in Mystrar handling family matters . My brother was serving Morgan when he was told that Jensen had attacked a woman that my brother and Pellegrino were both paying attention to . He called the duke out , but Jensen did not deny the allegations . The duel was set for the following morning . All I knew … all I was told was my brother lost his sword , and Jensen ran him through . " I didn 't know his background then , but I 've come to learn a great deal about him since then . Jensen just buries everything and says nothing . He has never had anyone believe him for anything he has said to defend himself . " " We invaded Saven and found some resistance in the north . Morgan wanted it tended to and wanted me to get Jensen . He offered to give him to me as a husband and the ownership of his land . I . . uh . . I said no . " " I was angry as I thought he was a traitor . " " That is understandable , Jared . There is no way that you could have known that he was an honorable man . " " Pelligrino won the toss and the right to go after him . I wondered why he wanted him so badly . To be honest , I didn 't really get a good look at Jensen . " While the problems were occurring up north , I went to tend to them . We only met a little resistance , but I found out later that Jensen 's brother was injured in one of the battles . He died on the way home , and the shock of the news killed the duke . Jensen came home to be named duke and then face their deaths . . " " I was not informed of the deaths until much later when Avenleigh was surrounded . I actually went and talked to Morgan . He guaranteed Jensen 's safety and the protection of the land . I went back when news of the burning of the land came to me , " the dowager interrupted . " That 's when he sent me to handle it because he was furious . I have no understanding why Morgan is still letting Pellegrino serve him . Morgan told me the man was the cause of my brother 's death , but he needed to know why Jensen betrayed him . " " I can answer part of that question , Jared . The man 's father is a high ranking official to the king of the country Morgan comes from . There has to be a very good reason for his death . Nothing else will do . Letting him die for the wrong reason will only bring war upon Saven from a more powerful army . " " My brother 's death is his word against that of others . I have to find a reason that will be acceptable then ? This is not good . " " When I arrived , I took control of the situation . I had many conversations with him at his gate . I actually enjoyed angering him ; causing him to become flustered was actually fun . He has quite a temper but controls it well . This went on until the day the widow came to bargain with me . " " He has more patience than I would have . That night he attempted to leave with his nephew . I thought he was deserting the estate , but he was actually attempting to make a way to have the boy taken to family across the border . The next day , I was informed that he was at the Convent and that the Monsignor had him prisoner . We rode into the stable yard just as the duke exited the rear . He was bleeding from his left shoulder but held a sword in his right hand . A priest appeared out of the door and raised a blade . I yelled for Jensen to drop , and one of my men put an arrow in the man . " The older woman smiled and nodded . " I gave him that sword when he stayed with me . He took lessons here and practiced at home , I 'm told , when his father wasn 't around . " " I 'm told he practiced with a master while in Morgan 's service . He knows tricks I 've never seen before . I would like for him to teach me . " " How could you do that to him after all the things you promised him ? If I could move well enough I would attempt to beat the shite out of you . I don 't understand why he came back and faced you and Morgan again ! " Jared 's shoulders slumped , he held his hands between his legs and bowed his head , weeping . He told the duke 's aunt his reasons . They were quiet for a while as the remainder of the story went through her thoughts . " Yes , no one touched him except for me . As for my making love to him , he might want to deny it but he can 't . He was caught up into it . His face had the look of ecstasy . " " You would have never caught him , Jared . He knows the land like no other . There are trails in areas that are not widely known or traveled . He took one of those , I 'm sure . " " Chris , my second in command , was furious with me and stayed to protect Jensen . I went home to Caerdon and began to drink . I was in a bad situation for those three months . Morgan commanded all the nobles to attend a celebration as Queen Mary is with child . " " Morgan demanded that we stay at the palace together . Jensen took out our guard with a very nice trick with his sword . We escaped and went to the Bishop 's Palace . The Bishop refused the annulment and demanded that we settle our differences to save our marriage . " " Thank you , " Jared whispered and rose , taking the woman 's hand to kiss it . " My nephew kissed my cheek when he left . As you are now my nephew through marriage , I would like one from you also . " Jared entered the house and headed upstairs to the suite he shared with his husband . The rooms were dim . He took off his boots , shirt , and trousers . Walking into the bedroom , he could tell by the man 's breathing that he was awake . He heard a soft sigh as the younger man turned over and moved softly against him . Jared pulled him closer and held him . Soon the duke 's breathing slowed , and the man was asleep . Jensen woke early and headed downstairs . No one was in sight so he headed outside to walk in his aunt 's gardens , which were extensive . His mind wondered back to the time he spent with her . He wished his father had never sent for him . Sighing , he headed towards the center of the garden , looking for the tables and chairs she kept there . The thought of sitting quietly and trying to clear his head was enticing . " Come sit down , boy , " the older woman called to him . Resigned to his fate , the duke walked towards the table set under a tree . He leaned down and kissed the offered cheek . His aunt looked at him , scanning his body . " I still stay in contact with my friends in the Caerdon , Jensen . I have a perfect idea what happened last night . For once , Jared did the right thing . " " Let 's see . " the older woman spoke softly , watching her nephew closely . " Why don 't we start with the biggest problem . Shall we ? " " I 've talked to the new king , and both he and his wife spoke highly of you . He wanted to know why you betrayed him . I imagine your father gave you strict orders where you felt that you had no choice . You wouldn 't risk losing what little control you held over Avenleigh . " " It is past time you spoke to someone about it , Jensen . I 'm a safe ear . I know that pretty much everyone knows it happened . I just want to hear the absolute truth … not assumptions . " " Jensen , be honest with me . You need to let this out of your system . You must face it , boy . It will eat you up inside if you don 't , " the older woman spoke gently , looking up to see the baron enter the area . She knew he heard what was being said . She glared at him so he found a seat in the shadows where he would not be noticed . " The Chamberlain took me upstairs to the private rooms . Sebastian and his five advisers were in room , sitting at a table . , " Jensen commented softly . Jared winced , remembering how the duke froze when he saw the Bishop and his men sitting at the table in the Bishop 's Palace . " Damnation , " he whispered softly . " I told him that Morgan was prepared to cross the water and invade , and that the people would welcome him . Sheppard countered my report and said I was wrong . He told the king that Morgan was nowhere near coast . " " If he was , I didn 't know it . Knew the people were unhappy . I wasn 't wrong ; they welcomed him with open arms . " The duke was startled at what his aunt had called him . He took a couple of deep breaths and continued . " He , " Jensen winced and tried again , " He asked his people to leave . He tried to get me to sleep with him , and he mentioned knowing about when I was eighteen . He said I was not a virgin because my father told him I wasn 't . " " I told him I would report him . He called his guards and they … they tried to take me down , but I fought . They all took turns before he let me go . He said they were witnesses that it was consensual . " The duke fell at his aunty 's feet , and she pulled him into her arms . The duke broke down , sobbing almost hysterically . Margaret ran her fingers through his hair and whispered soothing sounds of comfort . She let him cleanse his soul of the pain he was so overwhelmed with . Looking up at the baron , she moved her head to make him leave . For the next two hours , the duke stayed on the ground with his head in his aunt 's lap , his arms gripped around her waist . The trembling slowly calmed . Margaret quieted down but kept her fingers running through his hair . She knew that what had happened at the palace reinforced these fears , but Jared would have to aid in healing those wounds . " Jensen , why don 't you go and take a soothing hot bath , then have a nap . This took a lot out of you . You should rest . " " That is good , son . You need him . He is your husband , and he should make you feel comfortable enough … protected enough … to be able to sleep the night through . That is all good . Don 't be ashamed to ask him for that or anything else you need from him . " Taking his leave , the young man walked towards the house . He asked for a bath to be prepared . Jared had returned before him and told the footman to make sure a good breakfast was sent up to the duke when he came in . July 15 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 18 : Sharing a Room " I retire early , so I will have a meal sent to the suite for you two . This is a small house , and there are only two bedrooms . The other is mine . " Margaret looked at the duke . " Jensen ? " " You have the chance to make a good marriage out of this debacle . Don 't be a fool . A solitary life is a lonely life so talk to your husband , and listen to him . Forgive him for whatever it is that has hurt you . Don 't grow old alone , my boy . You deserve better than that . " " Trying is not enough . Fight for your happiness . I 'll tell you there is no doubt in my mind that your happiness lies with this giant of a man whose smile could melt your heart . " You quit doing the asinine things you 've done so far . Take a good look at my nephew . He deserves your best , and I expect you to be the most understanding man he 's ever met . I also want you to make his love life incredible . I think you are probably more experienced than he is . Make love to him daily . Believe me , boy . He 'll stop fighting it and start wanting it . " " I 'm not a fool , Jensen . I can read your eyes . You have feelings for him , and you are fighting them . The heart wants what the heart wants . You will feel hunger , and you will not sleep well until you face this and accept it . " The elderly woman rose to her feet , and both men stood . " I will see you both in the morning . If you are not showing signs of having been ravished , I will have more words with you . " " No , nephew . Be the man you were meant to be before too many men robbed you of it . Jared , help him find that man . Good night , you two . If you follow me up , I 'll show you your rooms . " " Perhaps , but you 've been traveling for days , Jen . I know you prefer to be clean before you sleep so I see no reason why we both can 't bathe while the water is hot . It 's not like we don 't know each other intimately . " The duke bent over and felt the water temperature . Jared noticed the scars on his back for the first time . He took several deep breaths to calm his anger over what the 18 year old boy had dealt with . Jensen stepped into the tub and leaned back , his body going under the water . Jared followed suit . The two men bathed and soaked in the hot water , reveling in its soothing effect . Jared reached for a towel and began to dry off . He noticed the duke watching his every move and felt his heart lift at it . " Jen , let 's don 't start that again . I want to feel you next to me , not your clothing . I 've seen more of you than you have . We sleep nude . " The duke snorted , but the baron continued . " I started out trying to break through your walls and I think you started to rely on me . I know I failed you . No … don 't speak yet . Let me finish . The day of the wedding , I was afraid you would fight Morgan 's commands . I threatened you to force you to give in to protect the estate . When you keened , I had to turn away because I was in tears . I felt that I had broken you . The thing is , Jen , he would have had people there to watch us consummate the marriage instead of a healer examining you in the morning . I could not put you through another state endorsed rape in the palace . I 'm sorry it happened the way it did . However , I 'm not sorry we made love and that it made both of us happy for a few minutes . " Jensen bit his bottom lip and chewed on it , drawing the baron 's eyes towards his mouth . The man started trembling , a soft sob turning into a moan . Jared looked up from his mouth and saw the pain and heartache in the green eyes . The duke stood , trying to walk but stumbled . He landed on the floor with a soft keening sound escaping his lips . Jared fell to the floor next to him and pulled him into his lap . The younger man leaned into him , a hand clutching the warrior 's robe . Jared could hear short gasps coming from the younger man , but he did not struggle to leave . The larger man set Jensen back down on the floor . He rose to his feet before leaning down to pick the other man up . Holding him close to his chest , he carried him into the sleeping area of the bedchamber . Leaning down , the baron reached for the quilt and pulled it back before placing his husband upon the bed . The duke moved over on the bed , making room for the older man . Jared put on a clean set of smallclothes before climbing into the bed to snuggle against the younger man 's back . He wrapped his arm and a leg around him , holding him close . He heard the man sigh softly . The two men walked down the hall , Jensen carrying his luggage . The king 's guard led them upstairs to a suite of rooms . He opened the door and moved aside to let the two noblemen enter . " Damnation ! You sarding sodomite , I told you to move ! " The guard tore into the room and reached out to shove the duke . Jensen whirled around , blade drawn , and struck the man with the hilt in his fisted hand . He stood over the unconscious guard , a smirk on his face . " You didn 't expect that from a sarding sodomite , did you ? " Jensen turned to the baron . " Help me get him into one of the bed chambers . We need to truss him and gag him . " Jensen waited in a small grove of ornamental trees near the gate . Jared approached from the stables with four horses . His luggage attached to one , and Jensen placed his on a second horse . Jensen entered the church and found a priest lighting candles . " Pardon me , Father , " he spoke softly . " I am looking for the Bishop 's palace . " " Jared , you have a lot to answer for but I believe you know that . Jensen , you have a lot to deal with . The two of you must work on this together ; you may not live apart . The king was wrong to have any of this occur in the palace , but I expect you to find somewhere nearby and deal with your issues . " " Yes but not today . He and I actually want the same thing . You running Avenleigh and returning the land to what it should be - Jared as your confident and protector . Now you are both dismissed . " Jensen mounted his horse and waited on Jared . He nodded to the man and headed out of the courtyard . The duke led them towards the northern outskirts of the city . Jensen was quiet for a moment , then answered , " Yes . She helped me realize that I wasn 't a bad person . Too much water has gone under the bridge . I forgot much of what she told me . I need to relearn it . " " Quit playing games with me , Jensen . We both know you never notice a woman 's beauty . " The woman turned her gaze upon the baron . " Is this the husband the king saddled you with ? " Jared leaned in and took the woman 's hand and gave a gallant bow as he kissed it . Jensen 's eyes widened . His aunt had a smirk on her face . " " You are incredibly tall , Baron , but your looks make up for that . Jensen , he has dimples bigger than yours . I imagine he 's proportional ? " The countess stared at her nephew . " I keep up with things , Jensen . I know what happened . Be grateful because you could have done much worse . Sit down , both of you . " " Pshaw ! You 're married . I 'm going to institute what the king started . You two will share the room and bed . " Margaret turned towards Jared . " I expect him to have a little trouble sitting down tomorrow . If he walks stiffly , you 're doing your job right . " July 4 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 16 : Three Months Later Jensen walked the rampart late in the evening . He 'd been doing so since the day after Jared had appeared . Christian had received a missive from the king demanding his presence and had left the week before . It had been three months since he 'd come home . He realized he didn 't want to sleep alone . His body ached for something , and he refused to put a name to it . The duke just knew that he burned inside . " No , you haven 't . Not yet . Jensen has received nothing from Morgan about the land . The Bishop is most likely going to turn him down because you two had such a good time together on the wedding night . " " Jensen should be receiving his summons by tomorrow . If want this marriage , you need to plead your side in it . For once , be damned honest in front of Jensen . " " Yeah . Morgan told me to sober you up because he 's holding a major celebration in honor of Mary 's pregnancy . Mary requested that you be there so you have to be sober . " Jensen woke from another nightmare . This time he was hanging off the edge of a cliff and Jared , damn him , had him by one hand . He groaned because he had begged the wretched man to save him . He turned over , trying to go back to sleep but he ended up tossing and turning , trying to calm himself down . After an hour of restless sleep , he dreamed again . This time there was no doubt what his brain and body were trying to tell him . He dreamt it was spring , and the apple trees were flowering . He and Jared were laying on a blanket in one of the eastern orchards . Both of them were naked and Jared was … . " No . " he exclaimed hoarsely . " I won 't go there . " " Dreams . . nightmares … he 's barely getting any sleep . I 've had the captain keeping an eye on him . It 's why he stayed . " " You knew he was raped in this palace , and you still forced him to consummate the marriage with me here of all places . He was going to balk and I lied and told him … the things I said … Damn you , Jeff ! He thinks ! What does it matter now ? He 'll never trust me after that . " " I probably have most of that coming , and I apologize . I wanted to guarantee you wouldn 't pretend the marriage was consummated just to protect him . I honestly wanted him to have a beautiful experience . You can 't tell me you didn 't give him one . Neither of you will be able to look me in the eye and tell me he didn 't . " The young lord sighed tiredly and rose to his feet . " Seat them in the lounge . See if they have eaten . If they haven 't , offer a meal . If they don 't want that , have Miss Ellen prepare a tea . I 'll join them then . " The two men stared at each other across the room . Jensen entered , and both stood . He shook his head and motioned both of them to sit back down . Sitting on the other couch , he stared at the two . " Let me see to your needs first . I gather we are having tea so you 've both eaten ? " " Have you made sleeping arrangements ? The inn here is stark with plain fare for the morning so you are welcome to stay the night here . My servants will see to your needs . " He looked down at the king 's letter and was informed there was a royal celebration for the pregnancy of the queen . He was informed there would be a presentation of the lords to the queen . Sighing , he knew that not all the lords would think of it in the same way but he was raised to follow strict etiquette . He was glad his finery had been cleaned and jewels polished . Jensen rose to feet and walked over to Travis , telling him to have Zechariah see to their needs for the night . He would be indisposed until the morrow . He left the house . " You made good time , Your Grace , " the king remarked in answer to the bow . He looked at the young man and there was little doubt he was exhausted and had lost some weight . The duke looked anywhere but at his former general . " It is customary to look at me when you respond , so I expect a proper reply . " " I have no idea . Our beloved friend and general has given us a suite with two attached bed chambers . I 've been told that until the party , we are being forced to remain there . " There was an overwhelming group of opinions after the last chapter . I decided to go with what my characters tell me . I needed to be true to the story . This chapter is Jensen 's reaction to the event of the day before and follows through the next four days Jared had lied to him . The man used kind words and concern to try to break down his barriers , and he had managed to do it . Jensen felt betrayed ; he remembered responding to the man 's sexual advances and felt nauseated . The duke crept off the bed and dressed quietly . He would go through the gardens with his luggage and escape that way . It took several hours on foot before he finally reached Jared 's house . Going to the stables , he saddled his horse and mounted his luggage on a second . He knew he had a few hours start on Jared , and the man would ride like the wind to catch him . Ackles turned off the main road and took back ways to avoid being caught . Jared did not know the lay of the land as well as he did . He spent the next two and a half days , stopping only to rest the horses . He didn 't stop to eat or sleep . He reached the outskirts of the estate and almost sobbed in relief . He needed to hurry to prepare for the baron 's arrival . " I 'll explain everything later . Right now , we have to prepare . Jason , go into the village and purchase whatever food you can get . Tell them to be prepared . " Her comment made the duke shake uncontrollably . " He wanted proof . Only , I wasn 't there when the doctor came . I traveled the back roads and got here half a day ahead of Jared . " The butler turned to the footman , " Travis , have a hot bath sent up . Ellen prepare a meal for the duke to be sent up to his rooms . Your Grace , your commander can handle things for now . You need to sleep . " " It was in the palace where … " Jensen broke down crying , going to the floor on his knees . The young priest knelt with him and held the man . He said nothing , allowing the duke release the pain . Jensen had eaten and laid down to take a small nap . Jason told the servants not to waken him . Jo took Ben to the nursery and entertained the three year old . " That would not be feasible , my lord . The duke is not in any shape to deal with you at this time . Go back to Caerdon , and he will contact you to discuss his terms . " " He told me everything . How you made it seem perfect , but behind it was the threat to his lands and the memory of the rape by King Sebastian in the same building . Then you were going to allow a physician to examine him to make sure you had him good and proper . " " I am , " Christian answered . " Some of your men want to stay and help also . He won their respect , Jared . You lost it with what you did . " Christian looked at the secretary and the priest . " He 's headed back to Caerdon , I can guarantee . We 'll wait until he 's gone and , if Jensen approves , we 'd like to enter . I 'll train him an army . " One of the men on guard let the captain know that some people were walking towards the gate . Christian saddled his horse and rode alone . He was not playing a psychological game with the duke because he only wanted to help . " Oh , he 's very unhappy . He told me what he did and why it upset you . I would love to just beat him to a pulp , but he 's got a good seven or eight inches on me . He 's gone , Jensen . He 's headed back to Caerdon to try to change Morgan 's mind about giving you back the land . " " Morgan thought everything was going to be right between you and if Jared hadn 't said what he said , making you think you had to do this to keep and protect your land , it might have been . Maybe , at a much later date , you can talk and settle things because there were a lot of times when he was good for you . Somewhere inside of you , you know that . " " It won 't happen , Jensen . You two consummated the marriage . I know what he did could be thought of as rape . I think so , but according to the law , this is an arranged marriage that you agreed to . Even if you didn 't , you were under the King 's law and control . The Bishop won 't touch it . " " Because he 's stubborn and he 's wrong . I figure you need a friend and help . The men with me agree with that so we 'll train you an army , and I 'll lead it for you . You keep your garrison within the keep to guard it , and we 'll protect the land . I 'll send out couriers to the other estates and the villages , and we 'll train them well . Once you have full control of the estate , you can afford to pay them . " WARNING ! ! There is what may be taken as possible dubcon in this chapter . My beta loves this story but hates this one chapter . I am so angry with Jared but I am one of those writers whose characters tell them what happens . Jared should have done all he could to protect Jensen from having this happen in the palace where his innocence was stolen from him Jensen was somehow able to avoid going into a panic attack and I admire the self control he managed to find . Do I believe he 's lost ? No . I think there is still some fight in him and Jared had better beware . " You told Morgan that you agreed with his plans . You told him you wanted it . That you wanted me . How is that supposed to help me ? " " I am being given away as a piece of property to the king 's greatest warrior . There is no one to take my side in this battle . I 've lost before I can even fight , " the duke told him . " That 's supposed to make it right ? To make me just lay back and let you have your way with me ? The king has made me a whore , Jared , " Jensen said bitterly . " Jensen , Morgan has declared his justice . You are not going to die ; you are not going to be whored out . You will marry me . You will give in to my desires and make them yours . You will show the healer proof that I have taken you on the morrow . " " Jensen , I promise I won 't hurt you . I don 't have it in me to do so . But I was not raised to tend an estate . Mine was taken from me when I was a baby . I would ruin the land . If you can 't do it for you and me , then do it for Avenleigh . " The duke 's shoulders sagged in defeat and he closed his eyes , fighting back tears . He walked towards the fountain in the center of the gardens . Jared rose to his feet and followed , with the knowledge that he won , but at what cost ? The younger man did not look up . He spoke in a quiet voice , " Tell me what you expect from me . What do I have to pay or give to save my land ? " Jared winced . This was not what he wanted . " Live in peace with me , work the land with me , entertain with me , and share my bed as my husband in every way that entails . " At 6 : 45 , the two men walked to the chapel . Jensen was pale but held himself together with what pride he still had . Jared walked close to him , and arm around him with his hand on the man 's lower back . The chamberlain and Christian met the two , and the four of them entered the chapel . The room was empty for the moment . The duke walked to the front and knelt at the prayer rail . The other three men talked in low whispers near the entrance . Morgan turned to everyone . " Let 's find a seat and let the Bishop do his job . " He looked at Jared , " Are your men going to be here ? We need people to bed you two . " Jensen could hear voices but did not rise . His heart cried out , and he tried to calm himself before he panicked . He recognized the onset of it because it had only happened a few times before . When his father made him watch the man he 'd kissed be beaten to death and then attempted to do the same to him , he had felt it for the first time . It happened again when his sword ran through Padalecki 's brother . It only happened one other time … when Sebastian took him . He was scared . No , that wasn 't even the right word . He was terrified . The baron smiled softly when the trembling hand was placed in his . He reached over and put his other hand around Jensen 's waist and helped him rise . The man groaned softly . " Don 't do that , Jared . We made a bargain to save my land , and I will keep it . Just . . don 't tell me you will help me through what you have helped cause , " he asked . The bishop stood in front of the altar , and the two men faced him . Jensen kept his voice calm and said his vows . The priest pronounced that they were wed . Jared put his arms around Jensen and pulled him in for a deep kiss knowing there would be no fight . Some of the men laughed , and the duke stood up and stared around him . " I have done everything I 've been asked to do . I will finish what I was ordered to do , but I will not allow anyone to take me to the bed chamber and undress me . I am quite capable of doing it myself . " He stood in the hall , hearing the laughter from behind him . He could even imagine the ribald remarks being made on his behalf . He wanted to cry but refused to give anyone that pleasure . The room was massive , and it had a large bed . In an alcove were two baths prepared for the men . A fire roared in the grate , and candles were set strategically to add a romantic atmosphere . The chamberlain bade the two good night before leaving them alone . Jensen looked around him and hated it because it was a room made for lovers . He all but whimpered . " What ? " Jared walked up behind him . " I 'll take that one . You do not have to accept the idea that you are beneath me . Well , except in the bedroom , " the warrior grinned . The ducal garments and jewelry were placed in the second case . Ackles stood in his undergarments and felt the water . He knew the baron was right . It would soothe him . Jared walked up behind him and began to massage his shoulders . At first he thought the duke was going to fight him but suddenly , he relaxed , slowly leaning into the taller man . The large hands and lean fingers worked out knots , and a soft moan escaped the pouting lips . The baron slowly slipped his fingers beneath the edge of the under shirt and lifted it up over the shorter man 's head . Jensen 's head fell back against the older man 's chest . Jared reached to the top of the undergarment and felt the duke 's hands stop him as the man pulled away . Jared turned to remove his own clothing . He heard a slight splash of water and smiled . It was going to take time . He just had to make sure that Jensen experienced something as akin to ecstasy as he could create for him . He wanted the man to want sex with him … to desire it . Jared pushed him onto his back , and the nobleman caught his breath in fear . The larger man laid on his side and leaned in , moving his mouth over Jensen 's ear , slightly licking and then nipping it . He moved behind the ear and down his neck , leaving love marks on him . The smaller male closed his eyes , trying to avoid the anger he felt at those marks . He 'd been so specific that it was not happen and now he could not stop it . Jared stopped every time he suckled the duke 's body to leave a mark . He left the bruise before there was much more than a sting . Jensen felt his heart rate going up and worried about it . He was starting to react to the actions the baron was doing to him . The warrior slowly moved down the duke 's shoulder and moved toward his chest . He looked up at the man and could see that he had closed his eyes . He was not squeezing them shut in panic , and that was a good sign . Ackles chewed his bottom lip , and Jared leaned in and kissed him . He let his mouth linger , pulling in the lower lip and sucking on it . Jensen made the first sound that proved he was reacting to what the Baron was doing . He moaned slightly . Jared 's tongue pushed at the man 's lips , demanding entrance . Without thinking , Jensen opened to him . The younger man had forgotten what it was like to be kissed this way . His body , remembering the feeling , responded . His tongue started to move and battle the baron 's . Jared pulled him into his arms and deepened the kiss . Jensen felt lost in the feeling the kiss was causing . He wanted to push away , but his body had rebelled against him . Jared 's hand reached for his other nipple , gently squeezing it . The groan that came from him was much deeper and louder than before . It terrified him . The duke felt like he was in a dream world . The feelings were overwhelming , and he had lost all control . He couldn 't fight the man who was touching , sucking , and licking him , and he didn 't want to anymore . All he could do was to lay there and let him have what he wanted . Suddenly , he froze as Jared 's hand reached his cock . He had not realized that it had hardened and was leaking . The baron fisted him and began to move his hand up and down , the thumb going over the slit at the tip and using the precum to slicken him . He moaned and pushed into the Jared 's hand and cried out when his cock started to shoot cum in spurts . Everything grew still . Jensen was gasping for air , frightened that this had happened and he 'd enjoyed it . Jared slowly licked his stomach , lapping up the spent . The younger man closed his eyes and groaned at the feeling . Jared slowly caressed Jensen 's balls , rolling them in his hands . He leaned down and sucked one into his mouth , and the duke swore . The warrior smiled around the mouth full of testicle and worked the other after he released the one . He sucked and licked the jointure of the man 's thighs to his body . Jensen was whining at that point . Jared reached up and felt Jensen 's cock and found that it had hardened again . Lack of experience meant his body was going to respond more and allow him multiple orgasms , much like a youth . Jared had hoped for it and was excited to see it . He slowly ran his tongue up the nerve bundle on the duke 's cock and sucked in the top , his tongue pushing into the slit . At this point , Jensen had two fists full of Jared 's hair . The duke screamed when Jared swallowed him . It was not long before the man was pushing his body into the baron 's face . The baron held the man close to him , rubbing his lower back , soothing him . He wanted the duke to relax and for his body to rest . The next time he was taking him completely . Coming twice meant he would last longer , and it was the warrior 's desire for the ride to last a while and to hear the man cry out every time he hit his sweet spot . He got out of bed , and the duke whimpered . Smiling , he walked over to the table and poured two glasses of wine . He wanted Jensen to be as calm and relaxed as he could get him . Jensen drank the glass of wine with the baron and let the man pull him close . It felt intimate and , at this point , there was no reason not to be . He dozed slightly . The duke started breathing fast but started to calm a little when he felt the baron 's tongue touch him there . He bit his lip to remain quiet . Jared licked and slightly sucked on the pink pucker , and Jensen lost the ability to be quiet . He moaned softly . The baron reached for the jar of oil on the table next to the bed and dipped his fingers into it . Slowly , he moved one finger into the wet hole . The duke stiffened . Jared used his other hand to rub the man 's lower back . " Relax , Jensen . It might sting , and burn but I 'm not going to take you unprepared . This is not going to cause massive pain like you suffered before . I promise you 'll like it . Have I hurt you in any way ? " Jared kept the finger still and then slowly began to move it around , slowly stretching the man . He added the second finger and stayed still , letting Jensen acclimate to it . He began to move the fingers in a scissoring fashion and elicited a slight moan . The third finger caused a small sob . He remained still and waited . Once the duke relaxed , he began to move them and hit the sweet spot . Grinning , the baron hit the spot several more times and pulled out . He heard a moan of disappointment , and his grin grew larger . Reaching for the jar of oil , he smothered his cock with it and wiped his hands on a towel . Jared turned him over , and the green eyes widened as he saw the size of the man kneeling between his legs . The baron lifted his left leg , exposing him . Jensen felt the head of the massive cock move against his hole and stiffened . Jared laid on top of him and bit down on his shoulder . The younger man cried out , and the warrior was able to push into him . Jensen stared up at the face looking down at him and felt the pressure and slight burn , but there was no severe pain . He forced himself to relax while he held his breath , waiting . Jared finally began to move , and the feeling was so different . Jensen willed himself to be still , to let the man have him . Suddenly , the baron pulled the duke 's legs over his hips and told him to push into him . Jared hit his sweet spot , and Jensen screamed his name and began to push up meeting every thrust . Each time the man pushed into him , he felt incredible pleasure . It took time for Jensen to come as his husband had hoped . Jared did not want to stroke him this time because he wanted the man to come untouched . He held himself back as he waited and watched the younger man 's face . When Jensen 's body finally responded to the drilling against his sweet spot , his hole squeezed down tight on Jared and both men came at the same time . The baron watched the duke 's face . His eyes had widened , and his mouth was open as if he tried to scream ' oh ' but it had caught in his throat . Ackles lay still , his body spiraling as he rode out the final moments of the orgasm . Jared had fallen on top of him but was still inside of him . He couldn 't think . His mind was overwhelmed . How was he supposed to deal with what had just happened ? He 'd expected to be dominated , not this . The baron had not lied to him . ' Oh , dear god , what do I do now ? ' I do hope this hasn 't angered any of you enough to quit reading . This story does have a happy ending . Please don 't be angry with me . I 'm just the scribe . June 27 , 2016 jensenfan1978 The Baron 's Prize Chapter 13 : Caerdon It took three days of traveling and camping at night for the group to reach the capital . The closer they reached the city , the quieter and more reserved Jensen became . Jared found it impossible to ease the man 's fears . He finally decided that facing them was the only way . The man looked at the nobleman . He turned back to the Jared , " He 's not bound . He cannot appear before the king without manacles on his hands and feet . " Jared and his men followed the king 's messenger to the palace . As they dismounted , Jared walked towards his men and asked his sergeant for two sets of manacles for the hands and feet . He explained that there might be problems , and the men would need to remain close by . He asked for ten of them to be an honor guard and to remain armed . Ten of his closest men dismounted and followed him to the front of the troop . The messenger tried to stop them before they mounted the steps to the palace . Jared stared him down , and the man was not stupid . He backed off . The entrance was as pretentious as Jensen remembered it . He 'd seen nothing in the city to cause him to change the decision that brought him here . He lowered his head to watch where he stepped because the manacle almost hobbled him . They were met by the chamberlain . " My lord , the king is in the throne room , " he stated as he looked at Jensen . " Your grace , it pains me see you in another difficult situation . I wish the things were different . " Guards were standing outside the throne room . They opened the doors to allow the chamberlain to enter . " Sire , may I present his Grace , the Duke of Avenleigh . " Jensen took a deep breath , realizing he was entering first . He put his shoulders back and held his head high . No one in this room would see him cower . He had to almost hobble , but he did not look down . His eyes were on Jeff Morgan , his former general and friend . The duke stopped at the appropriate spot for a pensioner to plead before the king . He did not bow . Instead , he stared right back at the king . " In good conscience , I find cannot do so , Sire . " Jensen kept his voice level , and firm . No one looking at him would even imagine what was happening inside of him at that moment . " Jensen , let 's get you on your knees . It 's a moot point right now . We need to get you out of here . All right ? " " I have spent very little time in Caerdon , Sir . When I was here , I saw the opulence in the palace while the people outside were homeless , hungry , and sick . I swore never to bow and pledge fealty to a king who allowed that . " Jensen was taken to Jared 's home and was allowed to bathe and change clothes . His injured knee was bandaged to help him support his weight better as the joint healed . They sat down and ate a meal . They rode to the eastern outskirts of the city . A small town had grown up around some fields filled with sheep and cattle . The gardens were showing growth . The stores in the community were run by the homeless who were no longer living on the streets . " I am not appearing as a prisoner of the king . I am coming as the Duke of Avenleigh , former warrior for General Jeffrey Morgan . I will be accepted as such . " Jensen walked like a noble . Morgan had to admit he looked impressive . The king had not seen any of the royal robes the nobility wore on special occasions . That the duke treated this as one should be taken as an honor . The king knew that . Then he saw the sword . Jensen 's arms moved in step with his stride . His hands went nowhere near the weapon . It was being treated as a part of his clothing . Morgan noted that Jared and Christian were also armed . Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath . " Not in my family , Sire . I was under orders . If I had not reported to Sebastian that you were going to come and the people would welcome you , I would have been disinherited . My father only needed one reason to oust me . I had to protect Avenleigh and its people . " Rise , Jensen . I accept your pledge and drop the charges of treason . What I cannot forgive is your refusal to come and face me with the truth instead of me having to do all of this . " The king looked at the three men and smiled . " I am giving you to Baron Padalecki in marriage . You will be his spouse , and you will consummate the marriage here in the palace and give proof of it . " " The ceremony will be this evening at 7 : 00 . Why don 't you two walk the gardens and discuss the situation . Jensen , there has to be proof . The best way I know is for a doctor to examine you . " |
Around Thanksgiving , my friend , A , pointed me towards a paper ornament exchange from the Mail Me Some Art blog . The exchange required participants to make 1 to 3 relatively , flat paper ornaments . However many you made , you would receive the same number in return . Easy enough and making three paper ornaments wasn 't going to be time consuming as envelope exchanges where you would get a list of 7 to 12 participants . I received three lovely ornaments in return . Sadly , two of the participants didn 't include any contact information . So I can 't show the ornaments they made . Rose kindly included her email address and gave me permission to post her work . She said she enjoys art journaling so her ornament is a mini journal . The little booklet when closed measures 3 inches by 4 1 / 4 inches . So precious . The cover is flocked paper . Reminds me of old - fashioned wallpaper and is soft to pet . Inside pages have been rubber stamped . The angel has been delicately hand colored and edged with gold mica powder , I think . The angel sparkles in the light . 1 . Christmas Eve in a traditional Italian household is THE holiday . Called the Feast of the Seven Fishes and celebrated with various fish dishes . I hate most of the traditional fishes ( eel , salted , dry cod ) , so I do a paired down version usually one fish dish . Himself requested home - made raviolis and he bought some nice shrimp for shrimp cocktail . Out shopping , I grabbed a tub of cocktail sauce . When we got home , Himself noticed the packaging said extra horseradish . He went out and bought a bottle of mild cocktail sauce . Less ajita . ( heartburn ) Ater dinner , we watched the original ( cartoon ) version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas . Just love Boris Karloff narrating the story . Later flipping through channels , found David Tennant hosting Shakespeare Live from the RSC . 2 . The actual Christmas Day was a lazy day for us as we had done the Christmas thing the day before . So spent the day watching the Doctor Who marathon in anticipation of the Doctor Who Christmas special . The special was entertaining , but not as epic as 2015 's special , The Husbands of River Song . I had also baked a batch of The Doctor 's favorite Jammie Dodgers ( shortbread with raspberry jam cookies ) to enjoy while watching the speical . 4 . Wednesday Old People Day at the movie theater and discount at Uno 's . Wanted to see Collateral Beauty but the show time had changed so we saw Manchester By The Sea . Meh . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : March 17 , 1935 I became 16 years old . April , May , and 26 days before the school term ended , I dropped out . It hurt my parents . I was just disgusted with everything . Jobs were scarce for you . Who ever ws in a position to hire would think twice to hire a child . At one time they would do so at 14 years old . The law had been changed and you had to be 16 before they would be able to hire . But it was usual to hire boys only for jobs that were for boys like running errands . Where I could get a job was a big problem . There were none . The local stores just about made out . There was the First National stores . They sold coffee , butter , cannded good , eggs . This was the forefunner along with the A & P , a competitor , the beginning of the chain stores which would have their start after WWII . Their products were excellent compared to today . A 16 ounce can of coffee was a dollar . When it was brewed in the morning it gave off an aroma that woke one up . It tasted a hell of a lot better than what we get today . The teachers were any where from [ ed : college ] sophomores to seniors . And who ever hired them knew how to pick them . Besides being knowledgeable , they were lookers . 35 of them . I had a nice time chasing them . It was the best summer of my life . I recall this little girl coming into the room . It was a large room , the chairs and tables were not set up . Her shoelace came untied and some other kid told her she was going to get punished . I sat down and calmed her down as I was tying her shoe . I assured her that no one would touch her . I would not have anyone do that . She was the younger of two sisters and they both were beautiful . The staff and teachers marveled at their being dressed and looks . I got that chore down and I got up . As I turned to get up , I saw Julie Dwight looking at me . She was the assistant to Kay Campana . A day later , I was teasing Kay when she asked me if I loved Julie . I sure did but I was defensive . I thought I might be being set up . Julie was a beautiful girl . Older by 2 or 3 years . Nice background . Father was an engineeer . And she lived in Newton [ ed : well - to - do suburb of Boston compared to East Boston ] . Kay asked me more than once that morning . But I told her I could speak for myself and I got out of that situation . . Julie when I turned my eyes on her after tying the little girl 's shoes , was looking at me with eyes that took me in . Had I walked over to her she would have wrapped her arms around me and said those three little words . I would have had a girlfriend ( steady ) I don 't know what the outcome would have been . Besides , I did not have any pocket money . At the end of the summer I would receive $ 10 for helping out at the play school . A dollar a week . Many years ago , while browsing through the holiday displays at the big box stores , we saw trendy , upside down Christmas trees . We really liked the idea and ran home to try it out . When we first moved to the house 31 years ago and to save us money , my parents gave us an artificial Christmas tree they weren 't using anymore . The top of the tree would be perfect hung on the wall upside down . Himself drilled and braced the tree with picture wire so it wouldn 't come down . The upside down tree would make the perfect home for the fragile ornaments . It would keep the irreplaceable and breakable out of the way of curious , little hands and paws . Himself constructed a series of wire loops and bends to securely hang the ornaments . Since most of the tree is above the reach of the hobbits ( though we are quite tall as hobbits go ) , Himself 's job is to decorate the tree . The tree resides on the wall year round . During the rest of the year , the tree is decorated with picture ornaments of the girlies through the years . The picture ornaments were just too pretty and precious ( especially the hand made ones done at school ) to store away in a box for a year . At Christmas , the picture ornaments are moved to the big tree so Himself can hang the fragiles . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I haven 't made cards in a good 10 years or so . Not since I was taking care of elderly parents and had too much on my plate . This year , I decided I had time and I would make a few cards . Instead of planning this activity last Summer , I made the decision in November . Needed a simple , quick idea , but what to do . About this time , I started following the Mail Me Some Art blog and had participated in their paper ornament swap . Another swap came up for postcards made to look like presents . I wasn 't participating in this swap , but the idea would work for me for Christmas cards . I had lots of holiday paper , stickers , ribbon , and card stock . 1 . . Saw the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . Good ol ' Ma and Dad . They always seem to show up when I need them the most . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : Although I enjoyed my activity at the Center , I was also at the point of frustration . My father insisted that I should go to Boston English High . He did not believe that East Boston High was for me . It was boys and girls and he wanted me to go to an all boys school . So I put in for Boston English . My grades were ok and I was accepted . [ ed : Boston English High is the oldest public high school in the United States . You need to pass an examination to be accepted as a student ] Gone were the days when one planned for holidays . The parties were gone . We could not invite relations and celebrated alone . And not with th usual goodies . birthdays . It was very different for me . My lunches were not like the students [ ed : the school was located in Boston 's South End , a predominantly Irish - American population . Though Dad was born in this country , his parent were not . Dad would have been looked upon as an immigrant . ] I could not [ ed : afford to ] participate in the after school programs . So I went to the Center for my recreation . My father was not earning enough money to keep up with things . Just about made out . He could have had other work but refused it . He was a tailor , his fingers were supple for cloth and needle . He hoped to stay a tailor . Uncle Vincent got him a job at the Bath House and Gym in our section to the city . Giving out towels . He was embarrassed to do such a lowly job . He did not have the ability to make wine for lack of funds . And the so called friend he had at the house every weekend , he could not afford to have them in . They dropped him and went over another house where they pitched in a nickel and played and also the pot went to pay for the drinks . And no food . He was really heartbroken . He felt that he had been used . [ ed : When Dad 's father hosted the card games , he didn 't charge his guests for the food and drink provided and the players didn 't chip in any money . ] And moped about it . My mother at one time told him to forget about it . He could not afford to sit in the card game . He said he kniew that and he wouldn 't attend if they invited him . He said all he wanted was to be invited so that he would know that they still thought of him and were his friends . Which he said under circumstances was all he wanted which wasn 't much . So he took up with another group in the next block . These were the Arianase people . [ ed : from the Italian town Ariano Puglia , later Ariano Irpino ] Your mother 's to be people . Thick headed people . [ ed : 😂 , sorry , I can 't help laughing ] The old - timers as they were called . His personality changed . Any time my mother went there , she went on the quiet . He had a good line of goods and his prices were lower . I guess my father was jealous and so was the grocer 's wife . If my mother was there , she would walk in the store . All she had to do was walk out of the hallway into the store a couple of steps down . She was a jealous woman . She knew that my mother was her husband 's first choice . My mother had a Rosenthal china tea set which was one of her prized possessions . Many years ago , she gave me her set . She said , " I want to give you this with my own hand . I don 't want you to wait until I die for you to have it . " She also gave me a box that had a duplicate tea set in it . She said this was supposed to go to The Brother , but she figured he wouldn 't want it so it came to me . The box had been kicking around as I had no place to display this tea set until I brought Ma 's large curio cabinet to live in the dollhouse . As I unpacked the box , I pulled out a teapot , a creamer , and the sugar bowl that didn 't survive The Brother 's school tie whip . ( The reason The Brother was supposed to inherit this set . The sugar bowl was carefully glued together ) . There were four saucers , a teacup with a broken handle , and a tea cup . The tea cup had a chip in it . Worthless to sell . Worthless to drink from . I didn 't want to toss it out . What to do ? A bit of Gorilla Glue ( love this stuff especially since GG came out with a new non - clog bottle ) on the foot of the cup attached to a saucer . Add a bit of ribbon for a hanger . Voilá ! Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Ink cried constantly late Thursday afternoon and all night . I wasn 't sure what his problem was . He wanted to go out into the sun room , but the temperatures were too cold so I wouldn 't let him out . He kept looking at his water bowl . The Eldest had recently bought him some Breath Fresh and added some to his water . Cats are finicky and I thought maybe , he wasn 't happy with the new taste . I put a clean bowl of fresh water , but he 'd have no part of it . Before I went to bed , I cleaned the litter box . During the middle of the night , he came into the bedroom and jumped from bed to dresser . Usuallly his signal for play time or attention . Himself thought maybe he was looking for the Breath Fresh water . So I got up and put a clean bowl of water with the Breath Fresh next to the plain bowl of water . The crying and jumping with a few minutes of cuddles in between continued through the night . Friday morning , his litter box had been used , but not the usual amount . I suspected maybe a UTI . Crying and looking at water sources ( toilet , sink , water dish ) continued , but he wouldn 't drink . He wasn 't eating his kibble , either . When we first got him , he was so tiny ( the runt of his litter ) , his jaws weren 't strong enough to crunch the kitty kibble . So for the first two weeks or so we had him , I cooked him oatmeal or scrambled an egg . I thought I could entice him to eat so I made him some scrambled egg . He took a very small nibble . Woudn 't drink his water . He calmed for a little bit while being held . Still wanted to go out to the sun room , but the temperatures were even colder than they were the day before . I did carry him out to the front porch , and he briefly was entertained by trying to paw the ribbons on the outside lights as they blew back and forth across the storm door . Inside again , he sat in the front window for a bit and chattered at the birds at the front feeder . Called the vet at Banfield , and got an appointment at noon . Had The Eldest help me wrangle Ink into the carrier and to sit with him in the back seat to keep him company on the ride . He hates the carrier and riding in the car . The vet thought he had a bladder blockage , not uncommon in male cats . She sent us to Tufts Animal Hospital and Veterinary School as Banfield isn 't equipped to handle that kind of problem . We saw Dr . B . and a student who took Ink 's medical history . She listened patiently and then said she would take Ink , give him a kitty Valium and examine him . An hour or so later , Dr . B . said she didn 't think Ink had a blockage . Good news . She wanted to run some blood and urine tests . The test results came back and indicated a bigger problem . Ink 's sodium level was something like 175 in whatever units sodium is measured . The number was off the scale . She said it could be caused by dehyrdration . Ink hadn 't had any water in 24 hrs or more . She said it could also be indicative of a thyroid problem or a brain tumor . For her to determine an exact cause would require a 3 to 5 day stay at an estimated cost of $ 200 , 000 . Way beyond our means . Even if we had the money , she said she was fairly certain , if they were able to reduced his sodium levels , she saw the outcome the same within the next week . The best course of action was to have my fur baby put down . It was not an easy decision to make , and The Eldest and I took it quite hard . Especially the Eldest . She thought she had caused Ink 's problem by giving him the Breath Fresh . I was grateful that Dr . B . told her the Breath Fresh wasn 't the issue . Lot of people and vets give it to pets all the time . His problem was most likely a factor of his 19 years of age . The fact that he wanted water but couldn 't drink was a mechanism in the brain shutting body functions down . It was his time . ( Himself has made this observation early in the morning . Tried to prepare me saying Ink 's behavior might be his way of saying it was time for him to go . I wasn 't ready to let him go . ) Dr . B brought Ink into the room so we could hold and cuddle him . Say our goodbyes . She even said we could call Himself and The Young One so they could come and be with Ink , too . She was very kind , and caring as were all the staff at Tufts . Dr . B also kindly reassured me that I had made the correct decision . If Ink was her cat , she would have reached the same conclusion . She didn 't rush us as we all hugged and cuddled Ink for the last time . She explained the procedure for him would be painless and quick . She said we could either leave or stay with him for the procedure and we all decided to stay with him until the end . So my heart has broken , and I 'm a mess . 💔 I keep looking for him in all his usual spots . The world is not as colorful or bright as it was . Ink was a wonderful companion , a source of delight and entertainment . I honestly thought he would outlast me . I 'm grateful Ink didn 't suffer for very long and for the excellent care he received at Tufts . I 've been telling myself I was fortunate to have Ink for 19 years , but it wasn 't long enough . To my sweet , kitty boy , cross the Raimbow Bridge . Jeanette , Dolly , and Mitty will meet you on the other side . Run wild and free through the Summer Lands . Now you can chase the birds , squirrels , and chippies to your heart 's content . While trolling the Interwebs , I saw a decoration that appealed to my warped sense of humor . It involved a pair of Christmas tights , dowels , some cotton batting , felt , and jingle bells . Simple enough to make a pair of elf legs to look like the elf fell through the Christmas tree . I bought all the makings , but while erranding in Target , I found an adobrable pair of elf baby slippers complete with jingle bells on the turned up toes . Ready - made elf shoes would be a big time saver . Nothing I like better than making a quick and dirty craft , even if it cost twice as much . 1 . Bought some new Christmas ornaments ( as if we really needed more ) from our outing at Oakwood Farms . We had dinner " over there " ( aka The Cracker Barrel in Sturbridge ) . Faux Southern comfort food , but we like it . 2 . Sunday was the annual town Santa parade . The local fire department drives Santa , Mrs . Claus , and an Elf around town with lights and sirens blaring . Himself and I ran outside to wave as the fire trucks drove by . And me without my phone missed a photo op for the blog ! To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : The Summer of my 14th year [ ed : 1933 ] was fun . The schoolyard was open , Charlie Arnold , or Skip , as he wanted to be called , played with us . And for the onlookers , it probably was , who was that big kid playing with the other kids ? He looks like he is having more fun than the children although he is a grown up . A man ! ! ! In fact , Skip and the other social workers were surprised that the school yards were closed when school was let out . Play areas were scarce . We had a playground that was rather crowded and most of the time it was the older boys who used it for baseball or football . To the left facing the building that was used for dressing and undressing , for uniforms and showers , was the dump and to our right another area used mostly for picnic and fireworks when , in the Summer each section of the Italian community honored their Italian section saint in Italy . So in July and August there would be two to four festivals and two with fireworks . And these were not only those that were sent skyward and exploded in different colors and also those on the ground that when they lighted up showed some art work . And the last that was lit like all the others started at one point and it was the stars and stripes . And the band that marched to the fireworks played The Star Spangled Banner . And we clapped hands , and sang , and walked home . One Summer day we were playing in the schoolyard and word came that there was going to be a rally . We began running to it . All we had to do was run up the hill , turn the corner and we were at the spot where we helped ourselved to rocks and began throwing them at those on Bremen Street . Skip came running and when he turned the corner he was shocked . A rally to him was that some people were going to speak . He began getting after us to get into the play yard before the police came and as heard the glass windows of the shoe factory being broken . He spoke of this event to other soical workers when he described the conditions of the area . How it was decided to locate the Center in East Boston , when those who were to pick a location saw children in the outskirts of the railroad , shooting dice and gambling . Also there wasn another problem . We would go to the railroad yards throw rocks at the train as it was moving the freight cars . And those employees that were in the coal car would throw coal at us . We would gather it up and some would bring it home for cooking , used it for fuel for heating . It was soft coal and it sent up a foul smell . We would use it down the cellar for a picnic fire and cook hot dogs . It would not be too long before the smell would rise to the apartment and we would hear a numbeer of the residents coming down and we would run out doors and out to the street . The Summer passed and a week before school opened or a little before that our play yard was closed and Skip went to the Center at Marginal Street . This was a streeet that was also where the ocean hit the beach . It was deep and during the immigration period , ships docked there and across the street the people were directed to the building and had their passports and papers verified and where their relatives waited while they were cleared for entrance to the USA . The Government gave up the bilding and the Hynes fund took it over . Charlie Arnold lived on the top floor of this building with his wife and their son , Everett . We spent the Fall and Spring season there for our activities . And at some point , Skip was sent to Central Square Center . I followed and participated in some activities . I can get very Grinchy at this time of year . Decorating , baking , shopping for gifts and worrying if recipients will be underwhelmed , trying to fit holiday parties and visiting in the schedule . The season can be depressing and overwhelming at the same time . So much to do . Not enough time or money . One of the things I do love is setting up my Nativity . The set is traditional , small , white , Hummel figures my brother and his wife gave us for our first Christmas . They were a souvenir from their trip to Germany . What makes me love my Christmas pageant and makes my scene so unique is the addition of other , non - traditional figures . An innocent enough start five or so years ago . A stray knick knack was picked up and placed in front of the Nativity . Things just snowballed from there . Soon computer mice , dragon and gargoyle sculptures The Young One made joined Fisher - Price farm animals and animals from a Noah 's ark . A new traidtion was born , and the theme became Everyone is Welcome . While browsing Michael 's a few months ago , The Young One and I stumbled upon a Toob filled with mythical critters : a jackalope , Yeti , Big Foot , Nessie , The Kraken . Like minds think alike , so they are the newest addition to the pageant this year . The Young One also supplied prized dinosaurs , a gift from a friend of hers . And if you 're wondering what this has to do with T Stands For , let me introduce you to Hat . She 's the little rabbit in the big picture hat with roses on her ears . She lives in her teacup and belonged to The Young One ( age 3 years old . ) I 'm sure there was a saucer that went with Hat 's teacup , but that has long since vanished . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Wreath making time . Himself found inexpensive wreaths at the big , orange box store . I 'm not sure my heart was really into the project . Only one wreath to make for our door instead of a wreath for my parents ' door and for Prissy 's door . But The Eldest brought a huge bunch of holly from the town Christmas fair . Would have been a shame to let it go to waste . Rummaging through the Christmas box I found some large bells , cardinals , and the holly bow I 've been using for the past several years . Put it all together and hung it on the door . Didn 't feel like decorating the wreaths that we hang on the front windows . No one can see the decorations from the street . Himself hung them with the red outdoor bows that came attached . A sunny day and Frosty and Santa are all a glow . Still need several more days of sunny weather for them to really shine . That 's not going to happen this week . So this might be as good as it gets . Robin wanted to see Himself 's Christmas lights . The weather hasn 't been that great this week . We haven 't had many really sunny days for the solar lights to recharge , and the weather for the coming week doesn 't sound much better . I 've taken a few pictures because this might be as good as it gets . 2 . Himself brought me a door swag . He knew I would like the blue , juniper berries . I added the harness bells . ( Oh , and the swag was not free and he didn 't have a coupon . At least , I don 't think he did . ) 4 . In Kohl 's didn 't find the shirt with the cardinal that I saw online , but found one I liked better except they didn 't have my size . Tried on a size smaller , even though I knew that was going to be too small . Coming out of the dressing room , I saw a woman leaving that had the same shirt that I had tried on . Somehow , I knew she was not going to buy and it , and would put it back . Went back to the display , the shirt was there , and it was my size . Wandering around , saw a display of costume necklace charms of animal critters . Butterflies , ladybugs , Thought too bad there wasn 't a cardinal . Looked on the other side of the display and there was only 1 cardinal charm . I found a penny in the parking lot , too . An angel encounter day . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : I was a problem to the teachers . In the seventh grade to the ninth grade we voted for hall assistants to help the teachers during class changes . One of the girls in my 7th grade room took a liking to me . She wanted to be my girlfriend . She was cute but not bright . Anway , she put my name in as a candidate . She also got the girls to vote . When my name was called , some of the boys voted for me and all of the girls stood up . Even my girl opponent . Teacher 's eyes seemed to go up . It surprised her , she looked at me and the girls . Counted the vote and then called for the girl candidate . Then the run off . I won but I did not get to be the assistant , she [ ed : teacher ] picked the girl . My guess was that I could create a problem when we were changing classes . Amd I 'm sure that my repuation didn 't help . I took the test . In due course she came to me and said evidently the little time you spent in my class you must have paid attention . You got a C + . I said That 's an A . She said that I can 't do , there will be trouble if I do that . And I got the C + for the year . One of the traditions we had when the girlies were little , was counting down the days to Christmas with an Advent tree . Each day , one of the girlies would choose a tiny ornament from a wooden box to place on the tree . Who went first was determined by even and odd birthday . The Young One 's birthday falls on an odd day of the month while The Eldest 's birthday is conveniently on an even day . It also helped that there is a four year age difference between them so The Eldest was more patient about not going first . The days of choosing an ornament have long past for them . I 'm now the Keeper of the Tradition , if I remember to get the Advent tree out by the 1 . December . Only 19 days left until Christmas . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I 've been baking bread again . The store bought bread just goes to waste , but if I bake bread , a loaf is gone in a day or two . I don 't mind . I enjoy baking bread . It 's a delicious hobby . I put the warm water , yeast , and sugar in the bowl and waited for the yeast to bloom . ( The yeast wakes up and gets all foamy ) . When I turned back to the bowl , the yeast had decided to add their own secret ingredient . A friend was saying she just saw the Hess truck commercial . She felt that the Christmas season had begun . For Himself and I , we used to wait for the Norelco Santa . Besides feeding the birds during the Winter , they also need drinking water . We found a black , dish basin which fits nicely on the stone bird bath . The basin has a rolled edge which will make a good perch . The basin is deeper than I wanted , but what we could find . The idea is that the black plastic will absorb some of the sunlight and retain some heat . Instead of a suggested tennis ball , I found a cute , rubber ducky to keep the water moving and to prevent the water from freezing solid . ( Hopefully ! ) I haven 't seen the birds perch on the basin to take a drink . Maybe they 're getting their water from other sources . They don 't seem to mind the ducky as they fly to the feeder . The herd of turkey hens that showed up this afternoon wasn 't bothered by the ducky , either . 1 . Our Thanksgiving was a day late because The Eldest had to work the holiday . Just as we sat down to dinner , Himself noticed the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . I haven 't seen the pair since early Fall . So just Ma and Dad dropping by for the festivities . 3 . Parked the cars over at Prissy 's under the trees just off her semi - circular drivewa so the septic truck would be able to back into the driveway for the annual pump out . While waiting , I noticed a car in Prissy 's driveway and a man taking pictures of the tags on the cars . I ran across the street to let him know the cars were temporarily parked there . Turns out , the man ( who lives down the road apiece ) was the father of the new neighbor . I knew Gruff , Jr . had said they had found someone to buy the house . The Dad was very nice about the cars . and came to check on the progress of the house . Walls were being painted and minor repairs taken care of . Papers for the house would be passed at the end of the week . Don 't know when his daughter and family will move in . He said the floors have to be refinished and the kitchen remodelled . Most likely , we 'll have new neighbors after the holidays . 4 . Enjoyed Elizabeth 's and Bleubeard 's T Stands for meme . Fun idea . Just include a beverage in your Tuesday post and add your link on Elizabeth 's page . Met a lot of new people and saw amazing journal pages , crafts and artwork To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : This was 1933 the year Charlie Arnold [ ed : mentor ] came into my life in the summer of that year . [ ed : Dad was 14 years old ] Evidently the Board Members of the Central Square Center and funded by the Hynes fund had clout . They opened the playground . For years summers every summer the school yards were closed . And also at the end of the school day , holidays , etc . They were closed . Of course , that did not prevent us from climbing the fences and getting in . We also had to watch for the police . They had keys made for them and they could get into the school and then open the door into the schoolyard . We played in the Jr . high school yard [ ed : Donald McKay School ] The play yard was large and we played not too far from the 8 foot fence . When the look out hollered , " Guinea Walligi " [ ed : derogatory term for police officer ] , we scrambled to the fence . We had to do that the first part two feet above the ground , the 2nd movement on the cross bar 4 feet above the ground , 3rd 2 feet up = 6 ft . and the last effort 2 ft more on the 8 foot cross bar , hang on the other side and drwop down and off we would go . Sometimes the Guinea Walligi would chase us on the street we would run into the building , up the the 3rd floor to the roof and then jump from roof top to roof top and elude the officer . [ ed : the houses were so close together neighbors in different houses could pass sugar through a window ] . We were always on the look out for him . Of course , we told our friends to make sure that the roof doors were open . If they failed us and we got caught , they would be mud . At the time we also had the school build by the church [ ed : Our Lady of Mont Carmel School ] When it was due to open we climbed the blocks to the second floor window . They were indented about the length of the finger tip . I tried it . I got to the top but on the way down the feet and fingers were slippery due to the silicon and I fell to the ground . As I went down I hit the side of the water pipe and when I landed I noticed by right leg trouser was torn and so wasn 't the sie of my leg on the knee side . As usual I walked to the Relief Station and I got put on the table while the police on duty held me down and the interns and nurses while the octor stitched me up . No ether , no putting to sleep . I did not let a sound come out of me . I said to myself I 'm not going to holler . Took 5 stitches . The police officer must have been surprised , probably spent a lot of time there and heard many a boy or man cry out . Doctor said , " Ok , you can go now , " and I got off the table and walked out . The officer had a " that kid is one hell of a tough guy . Imagine not a peep out of him and going like nothing happened . I got trained to not to hurt . My teachers used the rattan when ever we kids acted up . My ninth grade principal , Miss Sullivan , who much later became Superintendent of the Boston school system . In my French class , I had a teacher who was cute , had a good sense of humor and if we acted up she would kick us out of the classroom . One such day I ran into Miss Sullivan in the hallway and she asked , " What are you doing out of class ? " I told her and she took me into the classroom Told Miss Livone that she would have to witness discipline after class . So I put my hand out , Sully went to work . It was spring at that time and I had been playing baseball catch and both hands were toughened by the catching [ ed : he didn 't have a baseball glove ] No reaction . No pulling back . Sully was frustrated and she got a work out . |
Around Thanksgiving , my friend , A , pointed me towards a paper ornament exchange from the Mail Me Some Art blog . The exchange required participants to make 1 to 3 relatively , flat paper ornaments . However many you made , you would receive the same number in return . Easy enough and making three paper ornaments wasn 't going to be time consuming as envelope exchanges where you would get a list of 7 to 12 participants . I received three lovely ornaments in return . Sadly , two of the participants didn 't include any contact information . So I can 't show the ornaments they made . Rose kindly included her email address and gave me permission to post her work . She said she enjoys art journaling so her ornament is a mini journal . The little booklet when closed measures 3 inches by 4 1 / 4 inches . So precious . The cover is flocked paper . Reminds me of old - fashioned wallpaper and is soft to pet . Inside pages have been rubber stamped . The angel has been delicately hand colored and edged with gold mica powder , I think . The angel sparkles in the light . 1 . Christmas Eve in a traditional Italian household is THE holiday . Called the Feast of the Seven Fishes and celebrated with various fish dishes . I hate most of the traditional fishes ( eel , salted , dry cod ) , so I do a paired down version usually one fish dish . Himself requested home - made raviolis and he bought some nice shrimp for shrimp cocktail . Out shopping , I grabbed a tub of cocktail sauce . When we got home , Himself noticed the packaging said extra horseradish . He went out and bought a bottle of mild cocktail sauce . Less ajita . ( heartburn ) Ater dinner , we watched the original ( cartoon ) version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas . Just love Boris Karloff narrating the story . Later flipping through channels , found David Tennant hosting Shakespeare Live from the RSC . 2 . The actual Christmas Day was a lazy day for us as we had done the Christmas thing the day before . So spent the day watching the Doctor Who marathon in anticipation of the Doctor Who Christmas special . The special was entertaining , but not as epic as 2015 's special , The Husbands of River Song . I had also baked a batch of The Doctor 's favorite Jammie Dodgers ( shortbread with raspberry jam cookies ) to enjoy while watching the speical . 4 . Wednesday Old People Day at the movie theater and discount at Uno 's . Wanted to see Collateral Beauty but the show time had changed so we saw Manchester By The Sea . Meh . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : March 17 , 1935 I became 16 years old . April , May , and 26 days before the school term ended , I dropped out . It hurt my parents . I was just disgusted with everything . Jobs were scarce for you . Who ever ws in a position to hire would think twice to hire a child . At one time they would do so at 14 years old . The law had been changed and you had to be 16 before they would be able to hire . But it was usual to hire boys only for jobs that were for boys like running errands . Where I could get a job was a big problem . There were none . The local stores just about made out . There was the First National stores . They sold coffee , butter , cannded good , eggs . This was the forefunner along with the A & P , a competitor , the beginning of the chain stores which would have their start after WWII . Their products were excellent compared to today . A 16 ounce can of coffee was a dollar . When it was brewed in the morning it gave off an aroma that woke one up . It tasted a hell of a lot better than what we get today . The teachers were any where from [ ed : college ] sophomores to seniors . And who ever hired them knew how to pick them . Besides being knowledgeable , they were lookers . 35 of them . I had a nice time chasing them . It was the best summer of my life . I recall this little girl coming into the room . It was a large room , the chairs and tables were not set up . Her shoelace came untied and some other kid told her she was going to get punished . I sat down and calmed her down as I was tying her shoe . I assured her that no one would touch her . I would not have anyone do that . She was the younger of two sisters and they both were beautiful . The staff and teachers marveled at their being dressed and looks . I got that chore down and I got up . As I turned to get up , I saw Julie Dwight looking at me . She was the assistant to Kay Campana . A day later , I was teasing Kay when she asked me if I loved Julie . I sure did but I was defensive . I thought I might be being set up . Julie was a beautiful girl . Older by 2 or 3 years . Nice background . Father was an engineeer . And she lived in Newton [ ed : well - to - do suburb of Boston compared to East Boston ] . Kay asked me more than once that morning . But I told her I could speak for myself and I got out of that situation . . Julie when I turned my eyes on her after tying the little girl 's shoes , was looking at me with eyes that took me in . Had I walked over to her she would have wrapped her arms around me and said those three little words . I would have had a girlfriend ( steady ) I don 't know what the outcome would have been . Besides , I did not have any pocket money . At the end of the summer I would receive $ 10 for helping out at the play school . A dollar a week . Many years ago , while browsing through the holiday displays at the big box stores , we saw trendy , upside down Christmas trees . We really liked the idea and ran home to try it out . When we first moved to the house 31 years ago and to save us money , my parents gave us an artificial Christmas tree they weren 't using anymore . The top of the tree would be perfect hung on the wall upside down . Himself drilled and braced the tree with picture wire so it wouldn 't come down . The upside down tree would make the perfect home for the fragile ornaments . It would keep the irreplaceable and breakable out of the way of curious , little hands and paws . Himself constructed a series of wire loops and bends to securely hang the ornaments . Since most of the tree is above the reach of the hobbits ( though we are quite tall as hobbits go ) , Himself 's job is to decorate the tree . The tree resides on the wall year round . During the rest of the year , the tree is decorated with picture ornaments of the girlies through the years . The picture ornaments were just too pretty and precious ( especially the hand made ones done at school ) to store away in a box for a year . At Christmas , the picture ornaments are moved to the big tree so Himself can hang the fragiles . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I haven 't made cards in a good 10 years or so . Not since I was taking care of elderly parents and had too much on my plate . This year , I decided I had time and I would make a few cards . Instead of planning this activity last Summer , I made the decision in November . Needed a simple , quick idea , but what to do . About this time , I started following the Mail Me Some Art blog and had participated in their paper ornament swap . Another swap came up for postcards made to look like presents . I wasn 't participating in this swap , but the idea would work for me for Christmas cards . I had lots of holiday paper , stickers , ribbon , and card stock . 1 . . Saw the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . Good ol ' Ma and Dad . They always seem to show up when I need them the most . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : Although I enjoyed my activity at the Center , I was also at the point of frustration . My father insisted that I should go to Boston English High . He did not believe that East Boston High was for me . It was boys and girls and he wanted me to go to an all boys school . So I put in for Boston English . My grades were ok and I was accepted . [ ed : Boston English High is the oldest public high school in the United States . You need to pass an examination to be accepted as a student ] Gone were the days when one planned for holidays . The parties were gone . We could not invite relations and celebrated alone . And not with th usual goodies . birthdays . It was very different for me . My lunches were not like the students [ ed : the school was located in Boston 's South End , a predominantly Irish - American population . Though Dad was born in this country , his parent were not . Dad would have been looked upon as an immigrant . ] I could not [ ed : afford to ] participate in the after school programs . So I went to the Center for my recreation . My father was not earning enough money to keep up with things . Just about made out . He could have had other work but refused it . He was a tailor , his fingers were supple for cloth and needle . He hoped to stay a tailor . Uncle Vincent got him a job at the Bath House and Gym in our section to the city . Giving out towels . He was embarrassed to do such a lowly job . He did not have the ability to make wine for lack of funds . And the so called friend he had at the house every weekend , he could not afford to have them in . They dropped him and went over another house where they pitched in a nickel and played and also the pot went to pay for the drinks . And no food . He was really heartbroken . He felt that he had been used . [ ed : When Dad 's father hosted the card games , he didn 't charge his guests for the food and drink provided and the players didn 't chip in any money . ] And moped about it . My mother at one time told him to forget about it . He could not afford to sit in the card game . He said he kniew that and he wouldn 't attend if they invited him . He said all he wanted was to be invited so that he would know that they still thought of him and were his friends . Which he said under circumstances was all he wanted which wasn 't much . So he took up with another group in the next block . These were the Arianase people . [ ed : from the Italian town Ariano Puglia , later Ariano Irpino ] Your mother 's to be people . Thick headed people . [ ed : 😂 , sorry , I can 't help laughing ] The old - timers as they were called . His personality changed . Any time my mother went there , she went on the quiet . He had a good line of goods and his prices were lower . I guess my father was jealous and so was the grocer 's wife . If my mother was there , she would walk in the store . All she had to do was walk out of the hallway into the store a couple of steps down . She was a jealous woman . She knew that my mother was her husband 's first choice . My mother had a Rosenthal china tea set which was one of her prized possessions . Many years ago , she gave me her set . She said , " I want to give you this with my own hand . I don 't want you to wait until I die for you to have it . " She also gave me a box that had a duplicate tea set in it . She said this was supposed to go to The Brother , but she figured he wouldn 't want it so it came to me . The box had been kicking around as I had no place to display this tea set until I brought Ma 's large curio cabinet to live in the dollhouse . As I unpacked the box , I pulled out a teapot , a creamer , and the sugar bowl that didn 't survive The Brother 's school tie whip . ( The reason The Brother was supposed to inherit this set . The sugar bowl was carefully glued together ) . There were four saucers , a teacup with a broken handle , and a tea cup . The tea cup had a chip in it . Worthless to sell . Worthless to drink from . I didn 't want to toss it out . What to do ? A bit of Gorilla Glue ( love this stuff especially since GG came out with a new non - clog bottle ) on the foot of the cup attached to a saucer . Add a bit of ribbon for a hanger . Voilá ! Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Ink cried constantly late Thursday afternoon and all night . I wasn 't sure what his problem was . He wanted to go out into the sun room , but the temperatures were too cold so I wouldn 't let him out . He kept looking at his water bowl . The Eldest had recently bought him some Breath Fresh and added some to his water . Cats are finicky and I thought maybe , he wasn 't happy with the new taste . I put a clean bowl of fresh water , but he 'd have no part of it . Before I went to bed , I cleaned the litter box . During the middle of the night , he came into the bedroom and jumped from bed to dresser . Usuallly his signal for play time or attention . Himself thought maybe he was looking for the Breath Fresh water . So I got up and put a clean bowl of water with the Breath Fresh next to the plain bowl of water . The crying and jumping with a few minutes of cuddles in between continued through the night . Friday morning , his litter box had been used , but not the usual amount . I suspected maybe a UTI . Crying and looking at water sources ( toilet , sink , water dish ) continued , but he wouldn 't drink . He wasn 't eating his kibble , either . When we first got him , he was so tiny ( the runt of his litter ) , his jaws weren 't strong enough to crunch the kitty kibble . So for the first two weeks or so we had him , I cooked him oatmeal or scrambled an egg . I thought I could entice him to eat so I made him some scrambled egg . He took a very small nibble . Woudn 't drink his water . He calmed for a little bit while being held . Still wanted to go out to the sun room , but the temperatures were even colder than they were the day before . I did carry him out to the front porch , and he briefly was entertained by trying to paw the ribbons on the outside lights as they blew back and forth across the storm door . Inside again , he sat in the front window for a bit and chattered at the birds at the front feeder . Called the vet at Banfield , and got an appointment at noon . Had The Eldest help me wrangle Ink into the carrier and to sit with him in the back seat to keep him company on the ride . He hates the carrier and riding in the car . The vet thought he had a bladder blockage , not uncommon in male cats . She sent us to Tufts Animal Hospital and Veterinary School as Banfield isn 't equipped to handle that kind of problem . We saw Dr . B . and a student who took Ink 's medical history . She listened patiently and then said she would take Ink , give him a kitty Valium and examine him . An hour or so later , Dr . B . said she didn 't think Ink had a blockage . Good news . She wanted to run some blood and urine tests . The test results came back and indicated a bigger problem . Ink 's sodium level was something like 175 in whatever units sodium is measured . The number was off the scale . She said it could be caused by dehyrdration . Ink hadn 't had any water in 24 hrs or more . She said it could also be indicative of a thyroid problem or a brain tumor . For her to determine an exact cause would require a 3 to 5 day stay at an estimated cost of $ 200 , 000 . Way beyond our means . Even if we had the money , she said she was fairly certain , if they were able to reduced his sodium levels , she saw the outcome the same within the next week . The best course of action was to have my fur baby put down . It was not an easy decision to make , and The Eldest and I took it quite hard . Especially the Eldest . She thought she had caused Ink 's problem by giving him the Breath Fresh . I was grateful that Dr . B . told her the Breath Fresh wasn 't the issue . Lot of people and vets give it to pets all the time . His problem was most likely a factor of his 19 years of age . The fact that he wanted water but couldn 't drink was a mechanism in the brain shutting body functions down . It was his time . ( Himself has made this observation early in the morning . Tried to prepare me saying Ink 's behavior might be his way of saying it was time for him to go . I wasn 't ready to let him go . ) Dr . B brought Ink into the room so we could hold and cuddle him . Say our goodbyes . She even said we could call Himself and The Young One so they could come and be with Ink , too . She was very kind , and caring as were all the staff at Tufts . Dr . B also kindly reassured me that I had made the correct decision . If Ink was her cat , she would have reached the same conclusion . She didn 't rush us as we all hugged and cuddled Ink for the last time . She explained the procedure for him would be painless and quick . She said we could either leave or stay with him for the procedure and we all decided to stay with him until the end . So my heart has broken , and I 'm a mess . 💔 I keep looking for him in all his usual spots . The world is not as colorful or bright as it was . Ink was a wonderful companion , a source of delight and entertainment . I honestly thought he would outlast me . I 'm grateful Ink didn 't suffer for very long and for the excellent care he received at Tufts . I 've been telling myself I was fortunate to have Ink for 19 years , but it wasn 't long enough . To my sweet , kitty boy , cross the Raimbow Bridge . Jeanette , Dolly , and Mitty will meet you on the other side . Run wild and free through the Summer Lands . Now you can chase the birds , squirrels , and chippies to your heart 's content . While trolling the Interwebs , I saw a decoration that appealed to my warped sense of humor . It involved a pair of Christmas tights , dowels , some cotton batting , felt , and jingle bells . Simple enough to make a pair of elf legs to look like the elf fell through the Christmas tree . I bought all the makings , but while erranding in Target , I found an adobrable pair of elf baby slippers complete with jingle bells on the turned up toes . Ready - made elf shoes would be a big time saver . Nothing I like better than making a quick and dirty craft , even if it cost twice as much . 1 . Bought some new Christmas ornaments ( as if we really needed more ) from our outing at Oakwood Farms . We had dinner " over there " ( aka The Cracker Barrel in Sturbridge ) . Faux Southern comfort food , but we like it . 2 . Sunday was the annual town Santa parade . The local fire department drives Santa , Mrs . Claus , and an Elf around town with lights and sirens blaring . Himself and I ran outside to wave as the fire trucks drove by . And me without my phone missed a photo op for the blog ! To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : The Summer of my 14th year [ ed : 1933 ] was fun . The schoolyard was open , Charlie Arnold , or Skip , as he wanted to be called , played with us . And for the onlookers , it probably was , who was that big kid playing with the other kids ? He looks like he is having more fun than the children although he is a grown up . A man ! ! ! In fact , Skip and the other social workers were surprised that the school yards were closed when school was let out . Play areas were scarce . We had a playground that was rather crowded and most of the time it was the older boys who used it for baseball or football . To the left facing the building that was used for dressing and undressing , for uniforms and showers , was the dump and to our right another area used mostly for picnic and fireworks when , in the Summer each section of the Italian community honored their Italian section saint in Italy . So in July and August there would be two to four festivals and two with fireworks . And these were not only those that were sent skyward and exploded in different colors and also those on the ground that when they lighted up showed some art work . And the last that was lit like all the others started at one point and it was the stars and stripes . And the band that marched to the fireworks played The Star Spangled Banner . And we clapped hands , and sang , and walked home . One Summer day we were playing in the schoolyard and word came that there was going to be a rally . We began running to it . All we had to do was run up the hill , turn the corner and we were at the spot where we helped ourselved to rocks and began throwing them at those on Bremen Street . Skip came running and when he turned the corner he was shocked . A rally to him was that some people were going to speak . He began getting after us to get into the play yard before the police came and as heard the glass windows of the shoe factory being broken . He spoke of this event to other soical workers when he described the conditions of the area . How it was decided to locate the Center in East Boston , when those who were to pick a location saw children in the outskirts of the railroad , shooting dice and gambling . Also there wasn another problem . We would go to the railroad yards throw rocks at the train as it was moving the freight cars . And those employees that were in the coal car would throw coal at us . We would gather it up and some would bring it home for cooking , used it for fuel for heating . It was soft coal and it sent up a foul smell . We would use it down the cellar for a picnic fire and cook hot dogs . It would not be too long before the smell would rise to the apartment and we would hear a numbeer of the residents coming down and we would run out doors and out to the street . The Summer passed and a week before school opened or a little before that our play yard was closed and Skip went to the Center at Marginal Street . This was a streeet that was also where the ocean hit the beach . It was deep and during the immigration period , ships docked there and across the street the people were directed to the building and had their passports and papers verified and where their relatives waited while they were cleared for entrance to the USA . The Government gave up the bilding and the Hynes fund took it over . Charlie Arnold lived on the top floor of this building with his wife and their son , Everett . We spent the Fall and Spring season there for our activities . And at some point , Skip was sent to Central Square Center . I followed and participated in some activities . I can get very Grinchy at this time of year . Decorating , baking , shopping for gifts and worrying if recipients will be underwhelmed , trying to fit holiday parties and visiting in the schedule . The season can be depressing and overwhelming at the same time . So much to do . Not enough time or money . One of the things I do love is setting up my Nativity . The set is traditional , small , white , Hummel figures my brother and his wife gave us for our first Christmas . They were a souvenir from their trip to Germany . What makes me love my Christmas pageant and makes my scene so unique is the addition of other , non - traditional figures . An innocent enough start five or so years ago . A stray knick knack was picked up and placed in front of the Nativity . Things just snowballed from there . Soon computer mice , dragon and gargoyle sculptures The Young One made joined Fisher - Price farm animals and animals from a Noah 's ark . A new traidtion was born , and the theme became Everyone is Welcome . While browsing Michael 's a few months ago , The Young One and I stumbled upon a Toob filled with mythical critters : a jackalope , Yeti , Big Foot , Nessie , The Kraken . Like minds think alike , so they are the newest addition to the pageant this year . The Young One also supplied prized dinosaurs , a gift from a friend of hers . And if you 're wondering what this has to do with T Stands For , let me introduce you to Hat . She 's the little rabbit in the big picture hat with roses on her ears . She lives in her teacup and belonged to The Young One ( age 3 years old . ) I 'm sure there was a saucer that went with Hat 's teacup , but that has long since vanished . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . Wreath making time . Himself found inexpensive wreaths at the big , orange box store . I 'm not sure my heart was really into the project . Only one wreath to make for our door instead of a wreath for my parents ' door and for Prissy 's door . But The Eldest brought a huge bunch of holly from the town Christmas fair . Would have been a shame to let it go to waste . Rummaging through the Christmas box I found some large bells , cardinals , and the holly bow I 've been using for the past several years . Put it all together and hung it on the door . Didn 't feel like decorating the wreaths that we hang on the front windows . No one can see the decorations from the street . Himself hung them with the red outdoor bows that came attached . A sunny day and Frosty and Santa are all a glow . Still need several more days of sunny weather for them to really shine . That 's not going to happen this week . So this might be as good as it gets . Robin wanted to see Himself 's Christmas lights . The weather hasn 't been that great this week . We haven 't had many really sunny days for the solar lights to recharge , and the weather for the coming week doesn 't sound much better . I 've taken a few pictures because this might be as good as it gets . 2 . Himself brought me a door swag . He knew I would like the blue , juniper berries . I added the harness bells . ( Oh , and the swag was not free and he didn 't have a coupon . At least , I don 't think he did . ) 4 . In Kohl 's didn 't find the shirt with the cardinal that I saw online , but found one I liked better except they didn 't have my size . Tried on a size smaller , even though I knew that was going to be too small . Coming out of the dressing room , I saw a woman leaving that had the same shirt that I had tried on . Somehow , I knew she was not going to buy and it , and would put it back . Went back to the display , the shirt was there , and it was my size . Wandering around , saw a display of costume necklace charms of animal critters . Butterflies , ladybugs , Thought too bad there wasn 't a cardinal . Looked on the other side of the display and there was only 1 cardinal charm . I found a penny in the parking lot , too . An angel encounter day . To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : I was a problem to the teachers . In the seventh grade to the ninth grade we voted for hall assistants to help the teachers during class changes . One of the girls in my 7th grade room took a liking to me . She wanted to be my girlfriend . She was cute but not bright . Anway , she put my name in as a candidate . She also got the girls to vote . When my name was called , some of the boys voted for me and all of the girls stood up . Even my girl opponent . Teacher 's eyes seemed to go up . It surprised her , she looked at me and the girls . Counted the vote and then called for the girl candidate . Then the run off . I won but I did not get to be the assistant , she [ ed : teacher ] picked the girl . My guess was that I could create a problem when we were changing classes . Amd I 'm sure that my repuation didn 't help . I took the test . In due course she came to me and said evidently the little time you spent in my class you must have paid attention . You got a C + . I said That 's an A . She said that I can 't do , there will be trouble if I do that . And I got the C + for the year . One of the traditions we had when the girlies were little , was counting down the days to Christmas with an Advent tree . Each day , one of the girlies would choose a tiny ornament from a wooden box to place on the tree . Who went first was determined by even and odd birthday . The Young One 's birthday falls on an odd day of the month while The Eldest 's birthday is conveniently on an even day . It also helped that there is a four year age difference between them so The Eldest was more patient about not going first . The days of choosing an ornament have long past for them . I 'm now the Keeper of the Tradition , if I remember to get the Advent tree out by the 1 . December . Only 19 days left until Christmas . Drop by hosts , Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's blog to find out what the rest of the T Stands For gang are up to . If you want to play , include in your Tuesday post a beverage or container for a beverage . Don 't forget to link your blog to Bleubeard and Elizabeth 's page . I 've been baking bread again . The store bought bread just goes to waste , but if I bake bread , a loaf is gone in a day or two . I don 't mind . I enjoy baking bread . It 's a delicious hobby . I put the warm water , yeast , and sugar in the bowl and waited for the yeast to bloom . ( The yeast wakes up and gets all foamy ) . When I turned back to the bowl , the yeast had decided to add their own secret ingredient . A friend was saying she just saw the Hess truck commercial . She felt that the Christmas season had begun . For Himself and I , we used to wait for the Norelco Santa . Besides feeding the birds during the Winter , they also need drinking water . We found a black , dish basin which fits nicely on the stone bird bath . The basin has a rolled edge which will make a good perch . The basin is deeper than I wanted , but what we could find . The idea is that the black plastic will absorb some of the sunlight and retain some heat . Instead of a suggested tennis ball , I found a cute , rubber ducky to keep the water moving and to prevent the water from freezing solid . ( Hopefully ! ) I haven 't seen the birds perch on the basin to take a drink . Maybe they 're getting their water from other sources . They don 't seem to mind the ducky as they fly to the feeder . The herd of turkey hens that showed up this afternoon wasn 't bothered by the ducky , either . 1 . Our Thanksgiving was a day late because The Eldest had to work the holiday . Just as we sat down to dinner , Himself noticed the cardinal pair at the bird feeder . I haven 't seen the pair since early Fall . So just Ma and Dad dropping by for the festivities . 3 . Parked the cars over at Prissy 's under the trees just off her semi - circular drivewa so the septic truck would be able to back into the driveway for the annual pump out . While waiting , I noticed a car in Prissy 's driveway and a man taking pictures of the tags on the cars . I ran across the street to let him know the cars were temporarily parked there . Turns out , the man ( who lives down the road apiece ) was the father of the new neighbor . I knew Gruff , Jr . had said they had found someone to buy the house . The Dad was very nice about the cars . and came to check on the progress of the house . Walls were being painted and minor repairs taken care of . Papers for the house would be passed at the end of the week . Don 't know when his daughter and family will move in . He said the floors have to be refinished and the kitchen remodelled . Most likely , we 'll have new neighbors after the holidays . 4 . Enjoyed Elizabeth 's and Bleubeard 's T Stands for meme . Fun idea . Just include a beverage in your Tuesday post and add your link on Elizabeth 's page . Met a lot of new people and saw amazing journal pages , crafts and artwork To clear up some confusion , the Notebook passages posted on Throwback Thursday were written by my father and found by me after he passsed away . They were his attempt to tell the family history . He was in his late 80s or early 90s when he wrote them . Today 's chapter : This was 1933 the year Charlie Arnold [ ed : mentor ] came into my life in the summer of that year . [ ed : Dad was 14 years old ] Evidently the Board Members of the Central Square Center and funded by the Hynes fund had clout . They opened the playground . For years summers every summer the school yards were closed . And also at the end of the school day , holidays , etc . They were closed . Of course , that did not prevent us from climbing the fences and getting in . We also had to watch for the police . They had keys made for them and they could get into the school and then open the door into the schoolyard . We played in the Jr . high school yard [ ed : Donald McKay School ] The play yard was large and we played not too far from the 8 foot fence . When the look out hollered , " Guinea Walligi " [ ed : derogatory term for police officer ] , we scrambled to the fence . We had to do that the first part two feet above the ground , the 2nd movement on the cross bar 4 feet above the ground , 3rd 2 feet up = 6 ft . and the last effort 2 ft more on the 8 foot cross bar , hang on the other side and drwop down and off we would go . Sometimes the Guinea Walligi would chase us on the street we would run into the building , up the the 3rd floor to the roof and then jump from roof top to roof top and elude the officer . [ ed : the houses were so close together neighbors in different houses could pass sugar through a window ] . We were always on the look out for him . Of course , we told our friends to make sure that the roof doors were open . If they failed us and we got caught , they would be mud . At the time we also had the school build by the church [ ed : Our Lady of Mont Carmel School ] When it was due to open we climbed the blocks to the second floor window . They were indented about the length of the finger tip . I tried it . I got to the top but on the way down the feet and fingers were slippery due to the silicon and I fell to the ground . As I went down I hit the side of the water pipe and when I landed I noticed by right leg trouser was torn and so wasn 't the sie of my leg on the knee side . As usual I walked to the Relief Station and I got put on the table while the police on duty held me down and the interns and nurses while the octor stitched me up . No ether , no putting to sleep . I did not let a sound come out of me . I said to myself I 'm not going to holler . Took 5 stitches . The police officer must have been surprised , probably spent a lot of time there and heard many a boy or man cry out . Doctor said , " Ok , you can go now , " and I got off the table and walked out . The officer had a " that kid is one hell of a tough guy . Imagine not a peep out of him and going like nothing happened . I got trained to not to hurt . My teachers used the rattan when ever we kids acted up . My ninth grade principal , Miss Sullivan , who much later became Superintendent of the Boston school system . In my French class , I had a teacher who was cute , had a good sense of humor and if we acted up she would kick us out of the classroom . One such day I ran into Miss Sullivan in the hallway and she asked , " What are you doing out of class ? " I told her and she took me into the classroom Told Miss Livone that she would have to witness discipline after class . So I put my hand out , Sully went to work . It was spring at that time and I had been playing baseball catch and both hands were toughened by the catching [ ed : he didn 't have a baseball glove ] No reaction . No pulling back . Sully was frustrated and she got a work out . |
" Yeah ? " Catherine looked up as Joe walked over to her desk with a file in his hands . " We 've got another one on our hands . . . came in last night . " " Yeah , I can count . . . " Joe muttered . Catherine sighed as she looked down and opened the file as Joe scowled angrily . " Don 't bother . . . it 's another dead hooker with her throat slashed ! " Hours later , Catherine was sound asleep when she woke to the sound of tapping on her window . She walked out her balcony doors and could tell by his agitated state that Vincent was upset about something . " What 's wrong ? " " The ones who killed her . . . barely more that boys . . . " He sighed aloud . " I 've seen death before , even murder but not like this . . . not so cold ! " " They rejoiced in it . . . " Vincent said as he stood in front of her , clearly distraught over the whole thing . He looked down and could see her thinking about what he said . " They … celebrated the death . I 've seen this before Catherine , I 've felt what they felt in that moment … but I can tell you they felt no remorse … they 've either killed before or will kill again ! " Catherine stepped forward and hugged him tightly . After a few minutes , she easily slipped into lawyer mode . " Stay here . " She ran and grabbed a pad of paper and a pen . " Please , come sit down . . . " He followed her instructions as she began to question him . " How many boys were there ? " Vincent searched his mind and he looked at her pointedly as he realized he may have something useful . " One of them called her Tracy ! Her name was Tracy . " " No , he casually dropped the girl and walked away . I ran towards them but they saw me coming and took off in their car . I knew I was too late but I placed my hand on Tracy 's back anyway and felt her take her last breath . " Catherine shrugged as she snorted with impatience . " I 'll try my best . It would help if you could come forward but you can 't so I 'll … have to try to find a way to tie in what you told me without tipping my hat as to where I got the information . " Catherine grabbed his arm to stop him from pacing then took his hands in hers as she squeezed his them comfortingly . " Are you okay ? Do you want to stay here for awhile ? " Vincent took the comfort offered and felt his heartbeat return to normal . He patted her back lightly then shifted slightly away to look down into her eyes . " I 'm all right , I should go , you need your rest . Goodnight , Catherine . " " Father ! " Vincent exploded angrily . " I saw the whole scene with my own eyes ! I saw them pull up in their car , get out and banter back and forth . . . then kill her ! The whole thing was over within minutes . They took her there to kill her . . . casually and maliciously . They treated it like it was a game ! " Father looked up and reached forward to pat Vincent 's arm as he interrupted him . " But there was nothing you could have done . . . Vincent . . . even if you tried to get her Below there would have been nothing I could have done for her . . . " Father stood and put his arm around his son . " Then you have done your part to see that justice is served . Think about that tonight when you try to sleep . . . " After stopping at the bank to withdraw money , she walked into the office to overhear Greg Hughes and Joe talking about the recent murder . She almost blew her cover when she acknowledged the murder and Joe asked how she knew about it already . She lied automatically and said she heard it on the radio . Joe believed her excuse but Catherine asked if she could work on a hunch she had regarding the case . Later that night , she went to see Maurice . She walked cautiously up the same steps to the penthouse and slowly opened the door and walked inside . " Maurice ? " " For the right price , I 'll be doing whatever kind of business you need . " " A prostitute was killed in the park last night , her name was Tracy . I need to find someone who knew her , anyone . " Meanwhile in the better part of town , Cameron and Dale were planning another night out . Dale shook his head . " No , it 's too soon ! " Cameron disagreed as he handed his friend a bottle of rum . " I feeeeellll it ! I 'm happy again and it 's boiling in my blood ! We 'll go to a different area this time . " A few short hours later , the two friends picked up a young girl and took her for a joy ride in their car . Cameron drove into a deserted parking garage . Dale held the girl once again while Cameron came up behind her and slashed her throat and then as before , they hopped nonchalantly back in their car and took off . The next morning , Joe told Catherine about their fifth victim . " One of her friends identified her this morning . Her name is Rhonda . . . she 's from Chicago . That 's all I know , I 'll have Escobar search for more when she gets in . " That night , she went to see Vernon , who told her everything he knew . He agreed to sign a statement if she could keep him out of the court system . She told Joe she had found a witness to the killing in the park but that he wouldn 't come forward . She had Rita run traces on all the red BMWs in the area . She was surprised to see how many people had them but she scanned down the list and there was only one owned by someone named Cameron . She pushed Joe to get soil samples from the park where Tracy was killed and compare them to the tire tread of the car owned by Cameron Benson . " Bill , Maria 's gone for the night , " Gayle said referring to the housekeeper . " You 'll have to answer that . " Bill opened the door to find Joe in front of the line with his ID out . " Mr . Benson . I 'm Joe Maxwell with the District Attorney 's office . We have a warrant to search your premises and vehicles for any evidence that may aid us in an investigation we 're conducting . " Bill Benson and his lawyer came down to the police station . As Catherine was hanging up the phone , she looked at the woman with surprise . It was the attorney she just went head to head with in the child abuse trial of Richard Nolan . " Ms . Sheets . " Virginia raised her brows in surprise . " The evidence you have is at best circumstantial . My colleague will be able to easily prove that in court . You won 't win this time . . . " Bill looked at her arrogantly . " My son did none of the things he 's being accused of . He and Dale are fine young boys with promising futures . " Catherine turned around and looked at him quizzically as he continued . " I 've heard about you . You were destined to be a major player in your father 's firm . Charles was a respectable lawyer . . . he was much admired in his field of work . What a disappointment it must have been to have his daughter thumb her nose at his job and go into a career anyone from a community college could have done . . . a job that was quite obviously beneath her . " He had looked at Joe , sized him up , and then looked disapprovingly back at Catherine . She searched her mind for anything from the past she may have heard about a Bill Benson . " I 'll admit I 'm at a disadvantage , Mr . Benson . I hadn 't realized you knew my father . The only time I ever heard him mention the Benson name was when he had to sue the financial firm of Hanson and Jones because of his client 's mismanaged assets . He said that the Benson that was accused of the accounting errors was a pompous jerk who couldn 't handle the funds of a girl scout cookie sale let alone the assets of a major company . But that couldn 't have possibly have been you . . . " Joe followed behind her and when they got to the safety of the elevator turned to her with surprise . " Wow , Cathy . . . I didn 't know you had it in you ! " " I can 't believe he got to me . I can 't believe I lowered myself to his level . Normally I 'm able to control my temper but people like him make me sick ! They sit on their mighty thrones acting like they 're so much better than everyone else using their wealth and education as weapons against the less fortunate ! " as a witness . The defense went after his strength of character and the case was easily dismissed . Back at the office , she railed about the injustice of it until Joe and Moreno blasted her for lack of evidence . Catherine told Moreno Joe walked up behind Jenny and put his arm gently on her back . " Hey , Jenny . " He looked at Catherine . " Go to lunch . . . relax a little bit . . . this can all wait . . . " Catherine 's eyes flashed angrily at him as she bent over and grabbed her purse . " Really , Joe ? Can it ? ! These idiots are getting away with murder ! They 're so proud of it they 're not even waiting anymore ! Are you prepared to deal with another dead hooker tonight ? " she spat as she walked towards the elevators . Catherine stormed onto the elevator , then gave Jenny an apologetic glance . Jenny nodded understandingly . " Go ! " Joe looked thoroughly confused . " Who the hell is Jonathon Porter ? " " Care to share that with me ? Right now I think she 's off her rocker . . . " The sandwich man walked up and Joe pointed at his tray . " It 's not fancy but I 'll buy you lunch . . . " Jenny sighed . " It was our freshmen year in high school . Tim Kirby asked Cathy to go with him to the prom and she accepted but her father told her she couldn 't go alone if she wanted to go she had to go with another couple . She didn 't want to go with any of Tim 's friends so she told him that I had to go with her . Tim set me up with Jonathon Porter . Jonathon was Tim 's friend and had just been dumped by his girlfriend because he cheated on her . " Jenny laughed . " Wait . . . this get even better . We went to the prom and Cathy and Tim were having a great time until Catherine noticed Jonathon was dancing with his ex girlfriend and I was standing alone by the food table . When I noticed her looking at me , I started to cry and ran into the bathroom . " " Cathy left Tim on the dance floor and followed me . I told her Jonathon said he had only come for the sole purpose of seeing his ex . After I was done crying about it , we left the safety of the bathroom . By then , Tim had grabbed Jonathon and they were waiting outside the door for us . I thought Cathy was going to slap Jonathon . . . I 've never seen her so angry . He told her she was being unrealistic if she thought she could take one of her scholarship friends from the wrong side of the tracks , dress them up in discounted dresses from off the rack at a bridal shop and try to pass them off as worthy dates . He told Tim he thought they were friends and that he 'd had never been so insulted in his life . He said that next time Tim wanted to go slumming to count him out . " " Yep ! Cathy exploded ! She called him a pompous ass and told him that my father made a respectable paycheck working in the mills . She said his money came from his daddy playing dirty politics and working crooked real estate deals . Jonathon at least had the sense to look embarrassed but Cathy wasn 't done yet . She said that my off the rack discounted dress was actually made for me by one of the top designers in the city and that I would be sending him the bill for reimbursement because he ruined the evening . " " Oh , yeah ! The dress I was wearing was actually Cathy 's from a cotillion dance she attended the month before . Her maid did some minor alterations with some ribbon but Cathy found the original bill and made a copy of it and the bill from her own dress . The next day she took some of her father 's letterhead and typed a clearly itemized bill with an official sounding letter . She told Jonathon that we were suing him for all the expenses incurred from not only myself but her and Tim as well . It came to over $ 4 , 000 between the dresses and the limo . . . it was really funny until … " " Of course ! Jonathon 's father called him and told him what the letter said Charles assured him that his office had not sent the letter but that he was sure they could clear up this misunderstanding . Mr . Porter went on to tell him that he warned his son repeatedly about going out with the wrong type of girl . He said he would waive a suit for defamation of character if these outrageous charges were dropped . Cathy 's dad showed a tremendous amount of restraint and agreed . Needless to say he came home from the office early that night and called me over to their house . . . " Jenny laughed aloud . " Are you kidding me ? ! Cathy had him wrapped around her finger . He sat us down and told us that we shouldn 't have used his company letterhead without his permission . He went on to say that although the letter sounded good to us , when we went to college we would learn how to word things differently to gain better results . He offered to reimburse me for the dress and Cathy had to admit to him that I wasn 't actually out any money because I borrowed one of hers . She said she didn 't see why that should matter . She was sick of the way some of the rich kids treated others at the school . He had hurt my feelings with his cruelty and he should have to pay for that . Her dad gave us the whole speech of what goes around comes around . . . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Later that night , Catherine was going to see Vincent , when he met her half way at the culvert entrance . " I had court today ! I lost ! The boys walked away . " " The defense went after the integrity of my witness ! " Catherine raised her arms by her side in disgust . " I mean . . . let 's face it ! My chief witness was a pimp ! His prison record was hardly stellar reading material ! " " It 's not just that ! " She said as she paced the culvert . " You should have seen the smirks of contempt on their faces ! They made a game of killing those girls and they acted like they owned all of this ! Just flaunting their privileges . . . I 'm glad you didn 't see it . . . it was disgusting ! " Catherine sighed ; she knew he was trying to get it off her mind . " I can 't just forget it . It happens , you know ? You see enough outrages like today , enough dead kids with no names and you start to forget them . I can 't let that happen ! " " Once you have it , it lives within you . " He put his hand on her shoulder comfortingly . " But to live by it requires all your strength . " Catherine pointed to a spot and Vincent led her over and sat on the ground then spread his cloak out next to him so she could sit down on top it . He put his arm around her as she cuddled up next to him and laid her head against his chest . He gently ran his hand up and down her back as she closed her eyes and started to relax . " Too many people . " Catherine sighed . " My whole life I 've been with the ' elite ' of society . Some of them are wonderful people who have clawed their way up to the top and made a name for themselves . Others are like my parents , children born into wealth but who were nurtured to have a kind and loving spirit . " Like you . . . " " Thank you , " Catherine smiled and lifted her head then kissed his chest then sighed . " But there are also those that hold themselves above everyone else . They look down on any one who isn 't like them and they pass those beliefs and ugliness on to their children . Those two boys were raised with money and opportunities beyond belief and all they can do is self destruct . They never do it alone . They always take others down with them . Innocent people like those girls . " " Vincent , I was left an exorbitant amount of money when my father died . It 's just sitting in the bank gaining interest and I want to use it . . . I want to help those girls find a way out but I don 't know how . . . " " Her time Below has done much to heal her wounds . Little Cathy has done wonders for her and she and Olivia have become inseparable . I think with her new life going so well for her , she 's strong enough to face the demons of her past . " With a new purpose to strive for , Catherine felt a wave of peacefulness come over her and her eyes closed heavily . " Tonight , I rest . " Catherine was so comfortable and felt so safe in his arms that she soon felt herself nodding off to sleep . " I love you , Vincent , " she whispered quietly . He felt himself nodding off but was awakened when he heard a footfall near him . He looked up to see Mouse looking quizzically at him . He held his finger up to his mouth to silence Mouse before he could speak . Mouse saw that all was well with them and nodded his understanding before he left . Father shook his head at the unusual places the couple found to spend time together . " I 'm sure Catherine has to work in the morning . Make sure someone tells Vincent what time it is in a few more hours . " Catherine slowly opened her eyes three hours later . She looked up at Vincent and noticed his eyes closed and she reached up and gently ran a finger down his cheek . Vincent took her hand into his and looked down at her . " I 'm sorry , Vincent . I didn 't mean to make you sit here this whole time . You should have awakened me . " Vincent got to his feet and helped her up . He took her hand and led her home . He stood behind her as she climbed up the ladder . Three rungs up , she turned around and kissed him . Instead of heading back Below , Vincent walked the dark alleys and streets of the roughest part of town . He found the car the boys were driving and he followed them into a back alley . As Cameron was about to kill yet another prostitute , Vincent stepped out from the shadows to stop them . The girl knew immediately that something was very wrong and ran in the opposite direction . Vincent kept to the shadows as he stepped forward . " I know who you are . I know what you 've done . I know where you live and I warn you . . . this will stop . " Joe put his hands on his hips . " No way . If you got new leads , fine , but the case against those kids is over with . You keep pursuing it and both of our butts are on the line . . . " Joe threw his hands up in the air . " Unless your secret witness is finally ready to come forward then you need to drop it ! Its slander and defamation of character and you know it ! Until you have more solid proof of their involvement , stop harassing these kids ! " wanted to talk with us later ? " " One of the last cases my father was working on settled in court last week . Because of the work he did they were able to win . There 's a celebration party tonight I have to attend . I normally wouldn 't go but it 's a case that my father worked hard for and I feel I need to represent him there . " " Cathy ! I am so glad you were able to attend . We couldn 't have had this without your father ! " Art motioned out over the room . " I wish he were here to help us celebrate our victory . " Rita took her hands and squeezed them lightly . " You go home , dear and rest . I 've heard how hard you work for the office you 're at . . . Your father told us you could 've made your mark in corporate law but you chose to fight for the people instead . So admirable of you , no wonder he was so proud of you . " She turned and started up the escalator and as she looked up she saw Cameron and Dale blocking her exit . Her anger boiled to the surface and she told them things she knew about the night they killed Tracy . She wanted them to realize it was only a matter of time before they were caught . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The next day , Catherine walked into her office to find the boys going through her things . She threatened them , she and Cameron started shouting at one another . Joe heard the noise and came out from his office , then ran forward when Cameron started pushing Catherine around . Joe stepped between them and listened as the boys told him she was having them followed . Catherine had a suspicion that Vincent was the one they were speaking about . Joe made the boys leave and then called her into his office . " I ran into them at that party last night . I guess they wanted to finish the harassment they started . " Vincent 's eyes turned cold . " Are they following you ? " Catherine felt like she was fighting a losing battle . " I know it seems unjust . . . it is unjust ! But you have to let me . . . you have to let my world deal with it ! " " They come into my world . They come into the back streets and the alleys looking to play in the darkness . I know the darkness . . . I am its friend and I know it 's not to be played with . When they come to my world , Catherine , I will be there . When they come looking for the darkness , they will find me ! " Vincent sighed as he nodded . She moved against him and placed her head on his chest . His arms came around her instantly and they swayed together as they embraced . Father looked at the plans . " The rocks will serve as a natural filter . . . brilliant Mouse ! Where is Vincent ? I wanted him to see this ! Couldn 't you find him ? " Father smiled as he realized how many times he had told Mouse not to eavesdrop . " You 're 100 percent right Mouse . I always say it 's impolite to listen to other people 's conversations . Leave these plans here and when I see Vincent I 'll show them to him . " Meanwhile , Father poured over the plans and could see no reason Mouse 's plan wouldn 't work . He was happy that William would have clean water available to him at all times . He wished that Vincent would take a look and offer his opinion so they could start the work immediately . Vincent stood over Father 's shoulder and scanned the plans . They looked good , and he carefully ran his finger over the entire course , then nodded . " I think they 'll work as well . " Vincent was surprised at the news . He knew Mouse would have interrupted them , unless he was afraid for some reason , and he frowned as Father quickly disclosed that reason . " He . . . um . . . said you were fighting . " Vincent knew Father would be unhappy at the news and sighed as he anticipated the coming argument . " I 've been following the boys who murdered that girl in the park . I have prevented them from murdering time and time again . " " She wants me to stop . She 's worried I 'll be caught . She 's insisting I let her world deal with the punishment of those boys . " " What a surprise … " Vincent grumbled wryly . " You and she are both willing to let more girls die to try to get these boys in custody . How many more have to give their lives before they have enough evidence ? ! " Father turned away and Vincent angrily slammed his hand on the table . " How many , Father ? " Vincent sat down heavily and covered his face with his hand . Father knew there was no chance of getting through to him now so he decided to try again later . He cleared his throat . " So . . . how soon can we start Mouse 's plan ? " " Good . . . I 'm going to speak to Lena . Catherine would like to speak to her about starting a home . . . a place where these girls can go to get off the streets . " That night , Vincent broke his promise to Catherine . He walked the streets instead and once again showed himself to the boys , effectively stopping them from killing yet another girl . Fed up that their " adventures " were being stifled , they paid a hooker to call Catherine with a bogus tip on Tracy 's murder . The woman asked if they could meet at an abandoned theater at 33rd and 9th . Catherine walked warily in front of the building until she heard the boys call out that they 'd seen her . She knew she had been set up and broke into the building . Thinking quickly , she shattered some glass to use as a weapon before she hid inside the theater . The boys searched the building and Dale found her hiding on the floor between the seats . Catherine leapt to her feet but Dale grabbed her . She slashed out with the glass effectively cutting his arm . Dale almost let her go until Cameron shot his gun into the seats just in front of where they were standing . Suddenly , Vincent 's roar could be heard echoing through the empty theater as he jumped from the upper balcony . Catherine looked up in horror , afraid that from that height he would break his legs when he landed . Instead , Vincent stealthily landed in front of her . Dale was so surprised he released Catherine which gave Vincent the opportunity to pick him up and toss him through the air . Catherine glanced briefly at the boy after he landed . His head was at such an angle that she knew he must have hit it against a chair on his way down and was now dead . Vincent turned on Cameron and advanced towards him . He didn 't think the boy would actually shoot him but Cameron pointed his gun fearlessly and shot him in the upper chest . Vincent 's body jerked from the impact of the bullet but he brushed it off and ran towards Cameron . In three strides , he was on top of the boy and with one mighty blow had killed him . Catherine ran to Vincent 's side and grabbed his bloody hands . " We 've got to get out of here ! " Vincent looked down at her then turned and quickly walked away . Catherine was in shock as she turned around and looked again at the two boys . Vincent had abruptly left her behind and she jogged after him to catch up . " Vincent . . . Vincent ? ! " He stopped and fell against the wall , holding onto it for support as his mind tried to come to terms with the murders he just committed . Catherine came up behind him and held him tenderly . " Are you all right ? " Catherine gasped in despair but knew she needed to stay focused and help him home . She tried to find the entry hole the bullet made . She moved his cloak and his heavy vest to the side and saw the blood stain on his shirt just below his shoulder . " We 've got to get you to Father ! " Vincent led Catherine to the entry door and she closed it behind them after they were inside . She saw a set of steps and knew it led to a basement , so she guided them down and Vincent hit a hidden lever on the wall , and a fake panel popped open . Once again , Catherine allowed him to go first and she closed the doors behind them . No one visited this area and the tunnels were unusually dark . Vincent took her hand but was strangely quiet as he led them through the tunnels . He was panting by now and sweat was pouring down his face . " Vincent , " Catherine said as she stopped him by grabbing his arm . " Let me see how bad it is . . . " " Is it much further ? " Catherine wondered . " Go a block . . . then the tunnel splits . . . take the one to the left . . . about another block further there is a pipe line on the right . . . " Catherine took off jogging into the dark . She kept her hands in front of her as she ran , afraid she would hit a wall but more afraid of leaving Vincent alone for a long period of time . She found the pipe and quickly tapped out a message . Within a minute , someone tapped back and she thought it said help was on its way . Catherine bent over and handed him the one she used . Vincent tapped frantically and then listened to the answer and tapped another one before he dropped the rock to the ground and leaned against the wall . " I need help . . . someone 's on their way . . . " Catherine went to his side and lifted his arm over her shoulders and tried to support him as they walked . They came to tunnels that had more light and Catherine was now able to see much better . She looked at his shoulder and gasped . Blood covered the whole half of his shirt front . " We 've got to get pressure on that ! Now ! " Vincent was getting light headed and leaned against the wall . He looked at her as she whipped off her coat and dropped it to the ground then flung her blouse over her head . She stood in a camisole cotton t - shirt and was quickly shedding that when he looked away . She held the shirt between her knees as she quickly put back on her other shirt and coat . She ripped a long strip from the bottom of the shirt then stepped forward with the rest of it wadded in her hands . She undid the top three buttons of his shirt and pushed her shirt under it and held it firmly to the wound before she buttoned his shirt back up and tightened his vest . She was satisfied that the shirt was being held firmly in place . Vincent 's head was back and his eyes were closed as she deftly wrapped her own badly cut hand with the strip she 'd ripped off . She prompted him to start walking again as she held her hand firmly to his chest . She quietly hoped all of this was enough to stop the blood flow . In another two blocks , Cullen , Mouse , Matthew , Patrick , John and Kevin came running up with a stretcher . Vincent tried to protest but Matthew grabbed his arm . " Vincent , if it was one of us you would insist . I 'm guessing you 've lost a lot of blood . . . let us get you to Father ! " Vincent 's head fell forward as he gave in . He lay down on the stretcher as the six men each took a handle and started to walk . Catherine walked along next to him and held pressure to the wound . Vincent 's head began to feel fuzzy and in a matter of seconds it fell to the side and he was unconscious . Catherine followed behind them until she was in familiar tunnels , then she sprinted ahead to the hospital chamber to tell Father Vincent 's condition . Catherine 's eyes filled with tears . " I 'm fine . . . he 's lost a lot of blood . . . I took off my undershirt and shoved it inside his shirt . . . I guess I hoped the extra fabric would put pressure on the wound . . . I don 't know if it was the right thing to do or . . . if I made it worse . " Peter walked in the room . " Jacob ! I just walked in the door when I got your message . . . " He looked at Catherine crying . " Cathy , what is it ? " Peter nodded to her to come over . " If you promise to be quiet you can come sit up by his head , Cathy . " Catherine complied and sat in a stool near Vincent . Peter smiled at her and nodded to the IV bag . " It 's a general anesthetic . If we have to dig around for a bullet , he 'll need to be sedated further . " Mary put up a curtain between Vincent 's face and his shoulder , secluding Catherine from viewing the surgery . Peter and Father worked frantically to stop the bleeding and it wasn 't long before Catherine heard the metal ting of a bullet hitting the pan . Father stitched up the wound while Peter prepared and administered an antibiotic shot . Catherine 's voice had cracked with emotion and Father came over and put his arm around her . " Vincent . . . Peter and I have removed the bullet and stitched the damaged tissue . You 'll need to stay put for awhile but everything should heal nicely . " Father grimaced as they took a closer look for shards of glass . Together the two men quickly cleaned the cut . She needed several stitches and when the men were done , Mary bandaged it back up with clean bandages . For over and hour , Catherine watched him as he slept . She found comfort that he seemed so at peace . Knowing he would be wondering what happened , Catherine decided to go talk to Father . " We . . . were not there I was . I got a call from a woman saying she had information on the prostitute that was killed in the park . She set the meeting place . " " What choice did I have ? " Catherine 's eyes flashed angrily . " You could have sent someone else … like say … I don 't know … the police ! " " Vincent 's been following those boys around for days . They 'd already seen him lurking in the shadows ! It was only a matter of time before they saw his face ! " " Or caught him . " Father lowered his head as he felt his anger dissipate . " You went because you were trying to protect Vincent . " " He 's been so different lately . Harder , more on edge than I 've ever seen him . " Catherine nodded . " Vincent jumped down from the upper balcony in front of me . He grabbed the boy that was holding me and threw him off to the side . He must 've hit his head on a chair and broke his neck . " " Vincent started to walk towards him when the kid aimed his gun and shot Vincent . An instant later , Vincent had . . . . " Catherine couldn 't say the words . Catherine nodded . " Yes , I should get back so they think I was home all night . . . " She began to cry . " I don 't want to leave until he wakes up . " Father smiled and shook his head . " Thank you for trying to protect my son . " He stood and reached for her arm and patted her hand as he led her towards the door . " Come with me , I 'll sit with Vincent for awhile and you can say goodnight to him . " " Vincent , Father will be here for awhile but I have to go Above . I 'll be back tomorrow night . " Vincent didn 't move and Catherine frowned as she leaned over and kissed his forehead . Again there was no reaction so she kissed his lips and stayed low as she whispered . " I love you . " Father walked in as Catherine was leaning over . He heard her whispered words and smiled as he saw her kiss his son . He watched as she caressed his cheek one last time then turned from him . She wondered why he was so angry . " What 's up , Joe ? " " In the interest of our friendship , you better tell me the truth here , Cathy . Do you know anything about what happened last night ? " " For awhile , I was cleaning my curio and one of my figurines broke . I cut my hand . . . " Catherine showed him the bandage . " I left and went to Peter Alcott 's I 'm sure he 'll corroborate that I was with him getting a few stitches . " " I suggested that maybe one of the pimps was fed up with the boys slowly picking off their girls . They 'll investigate and question every pimp they can find but no one will reveal any information . It 'll be forgotten about in a week . " Catherine kissed him and as was usual waited until he responded to her before she ended it . " Thanks for being there for me . " She laid her head against his good shoulder and lightly touched the opposite one . " Does it hurt much ? " Catherine relished being this close to him and could feel herself relaxing against his chest . They had gone through hell this week and she knew that they could easily slip into a deep sleep if she allowed it . She felt him twinge against her and realized he was uncomfortable . |
Recent Comments Angelica Kidd on Night Crawler Journals ; do you … ImpromtDude on Losing you hurtImpromtDude on Exactly how I feel … ImpromtDude on I 'm so busy . ImpromtDude on Support : it 's a two - way … Archives May 2017 As a writer , I have learned a lot of life lessons . Some of the lessons have been needed . When I first began to write I thought you had to follow every rule . I lost my will to write when I began to stress about all the rules . But over the years , I have learned rules are meant to be broken ; once I figured that out , I started to love writing , again ! These are the ten things I have learned , since I became a writer ! 10 . I am free to think the way I want to . 9 . Some of the biggest fans , are those who you push away . 8 . Writing isn 't as easy as people say it is . 7 . I should have cared more in school . 4 . All your work sounds great to others but horrible to you . 3 . Writing blocks are tools to get you better , not to stop you . 2 . Reading is essential if you want to be a writer . 1 . I should have started writing daily a long time ago …… its so FUNNNNNNN When I began to write ; I imagined the journey to only last a few months . That is the longest my hobbies usually last . I gave up on football , basketball , drawing , singing , and being a pastor ; so what would be different about writing ? I felt that this was going to be another phase of mine , one that would last only a month , then I would leave it aside and chase another dream , but for some reason , I didn 't quit . I am still writing and I still love it . Let me be honest ; there are days that I want to quit , pack - up my bags , walk through the doors , and never look back . I can never get myself to do it , though . This career path I have chosen is like glue , it is stuck to me and wont let me go . I am with this dream until I cant go anymore . I am glad , though , don 't get me wrong . This dream that I have been chasing , for the last six years , is just now becoming fun to me . Before , this dream was about making a quick buck , and then getting out of the mix . But when you find the real meaning to the dream , you seem to find a new reason to do it . I wanted the money , but then found that this was the best way to keep myself happy , which then led to me wanting to do this for more than money . Even if I wanted to get in and out , that was impossible . I can 't tell you how many artist , I have talked to , that have giving up because they wanted it instantly . They wanted the fame in a year , but didn 't realize they needed to work hard for years to get noticed . Any type of artist will need to work hard , for at least 2 - 6 years , before they get their break . NF , a Christian rapper , was on year 6 , I believe , when he got his shot at fame . Eminem did underground work for years . It is even harder for writers to get noticed , though . There is way more writers in the market , then there are jobs . I did a post almost a year ago talking about the chances of getting a job in writing . The chances were really low , I cant remember the percent , but it was under 50 % . This means that if I ever want to get paid to write , I will have to be on top of my game at all times , because you never know who is watching ! But the truth is , I don 't care , I am not in this to be rich and famous . I would be foolish to say that I don 't want that , but if it never happens I wouldn 't be upset . I have always stood by the modo " I am a writer because I love to write " Any rewards that come after that are reasons to push myself as a writer . But I will never be upset because a publisher didn 't notice me , and then put on one of my friends , I will be happy . They are living the dream also that means my publisher will be even better for me . I cant get mad because I am not getting paid , because when you begin to mix money in with passion , you get a messy kitchen , and that is one thing I wouldn 't want . Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude At one time , I was a writer and a musician . I would call myself " Living example Band " but for some reason , I quit . Today I will be telling you what led up to me giving up on music , and focusing solely on writing . I got my first guitar when I was a sophomore in high school . It was a Peavey Raptor , and my dad got it off craigslist , after I showed him the post . He wasn 't hesitant to get it , since it would mean that I would stop pounding loudly at the drums , something I was never good at . On top of getting the guitar , my father also got me , my class ring . But I was more excited about getting the guitar , that I planned lessons with my friend , instantly . He was a little old , so he tried to teach me blues , when I wanted to know the basics , only . I eventually learned the basics , and quit the lessons . I then went on to teach myself more and more . With being a writer , I thought that making a song would be a cool thing to do , so I wrote a worship song . The song talked about temptation and how I needed to stay on my knees , instead of trying to get through it by myself . I fell in love with writing music , so I continued to write music ; while also writing short - stories and blog post . About five months after beginning to play guitar , I recorded my first E . P . this was after I performed for the first time at a church 's open - mic night . I performed " How he loves " by David Crowder . I didn 't do as well as I thought I could of done , so I used my E . P . to show people how I wanted it to go . The E . P . also had a jingle bell remake called " Church bells . " I sent the E . P . to my pastor , and all of my friends . They all had mixed views , but for my first recording they were happy with the quality . That is when I set out to record more . I started to record my first album , Let your light shine . This would contain 10 songs that were all God based . I wanted to reach the world through my music , and my goal was to record the album and give it out at youth rallies . But when I finished the C . D . I got nervous and decided to keep it a " HImpromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude The wind was slightly blowing the light snow off of the ground and into the chilled air . The night was calm as Aeron sat next to the fire , in a grill he found in Drummond . The fire was simmering down with the continuous snow , but they knew they wouldn 't be staying long . They already traveled for a full day , so they decided to stop and get warm . The fire was lit inside of a small grill . The metal was hot enough for the two to get warm . As Aeron sat next to the fire , he picked up the sign . He was happy to see that Fairfield was only thirty miles away . His mission to get medical supplies was almost over . Fairfield was one of the last surviving cities after the outbreak took place . The mayor of the town kept a close eye on the passing visitors , and of the people leaving . It was a good plan at the beginning , but there came a group that would over power his walls . He fell captive to a group of lawbreakers . The group cleared them out of all of their food and water , but they didn 't know about the abundance of medicine , they kept stored inside the medical center . They grabbed the food and water , and left . The people of Fairfield began to fear another attack on the city ; also without food one - by - one they were dying from starvation . A group of activist told the people , it was easier to live on the road , away from the fear they had here . The people of Fairfield quickly joined the rally , and left their homes . They soon realized that the world was no longer like it was before , they had no idea what was out there . The citizens fell dead to the cold , turning into beast shortly after . With all the attacks and people leaving the leader began to question his sanity . Finally , after the people began to turn back into beast , and turned back to attack the town , Dr . Grey began to execute anyone that questioned his plans . Dr . Grey was a true man of war ; he was someone who knew what it took to survive , also what a human body could withstand . He spent many years in the army , but also many years studying the reproductive system . With all the people leaving his town ; he knew that he needed to build his army back up . This is when he chose to begin his projects . He had to find a way to bring forth kids . There weren 't enough women to carry kids , the men were also too busy fighting ; they wouldn 't be able to stand down , this is when he came up with three ideas . He would try to impregnate children earlier in life , find ways to impregnate women without a man , and grow fetus without a present birth giver . He attempted to impregnate the children , but due to the lack of nutrition , they would die quickly after getting pregnant . This caused riots outside of Dr . Greys mansion , the old courthouse . Dr . Grey executed those who wouldn 't stand down . This led to only having a handful of women , his second plan became harder than expected . But even with the complications , Grey continued to do his experiment . The women refused to go along with his plan , seeing how the first experiment went . Grey wasn 't accepting of their lack of faith , so as they refused to help , he would force them . He would have his men tie the women down , and would force the sperm inside of their body . But without the right sanitation , the women began to come down with infections , worse than the frost bite infection . He stopped the research , immediately and went onto his last experiment . This is where he would attempt to create a embryo , and grow a baby using science . He created a pod that created an egg , then after the egg was present , he would empty test tubes of sperm into the glass container . The project was working , better than any others . There was progress everyday . But as the progress began to spike , a big storm came through town . The storm blew his generator . He was sleeping when the storm came through , but as the wind blew ice against his window , he woke up . He rushed Aeron got of his snow mobile and stood in the freezing rain with his leather jacket . He lifted the face shield on the helmet to look into the once standing , Fairfield . The town was deserted . The walls of the buildings were rotted out . Most of the buildings had falling with the weight of the snow . There were cars beside other cars . This must have been their last defense . Aeron stood still , almost in a memorial of the dead bodies , hanging out of the cars . Leo pats him on the back seconds later . " Are you ready for this ? " Leo asked . " Lets get in there and get back home . " They both got off their snowmobiles , after being unable to cross through the pile of cars . It was on foot from this - point - on . The town was only four blocks , the iced population sign reads 700 , which was long before the outbreak . The medical center was on the left side of town , which was three blocks after getting into town and was next door to the old B & J Grocery store . This was Dr . Greys hideout , where he kept all of the experiments and test results . The whole way to Fairfield , the were praying that the medicine hadn 't been touched . It would have been a waste , if so . They made their way up to Fairfield Drugs entrance , but Aeron stopped . Leo turned around and asked what he was thinking . Aeron ignored him and walked to a nearby car ; he pulled out a rope , put gas on the end , then shoved it into the gas tank of the car , leaving the end close to the ground . He got up off the ground and made his way into the building . Leo caught on to his plan , as he looked at the car , then walked inside with him . They walked into the main lobby , and began to search for the treasure , but all they found were old empty boxes . Aeron hesitantly searched through the lobby drawers . He found a map of the medical center with a master key to the building . The guide listed all of the rooms and what you would find in each room . Everything was scratched out , except on room 3A1 that read supplies . Aeron shows Leo the map , and smiles . " You know this is the original guide , right ! " Leo slapped the guide out of Aeron 's hand . Aeron picks up the map and walked away , heading to the room . Leo shook his head , lifted his flashlight and walked behind him . They found the room , Aeron unlocks the door using the master key . Leo steps in front of him , and shines the light inside , from the glare of the flashlight , the room seemed to be empty . But as they walked in , they saw the abundance of supplies . They begin to search the cabinets , in each cabinet , they found even more supplies . They were searching for Insulin , but they only found one little bottle . A " That is going to get the attention of every Crawler in this town , come on ! " Aeron grabs the bag of medicine , and jumps out of the window . Leo follows but gets caught up on the window seal . As he gets caught up , the Crawlers bust the door down . Leos heart is beating heavily , as he attempts to get out of the bondage . He finally breaks lose , as a crawler grabs ahold of his arm . He forces himself out of the grasp , to only fall back out of the window . The glass clings to his leg , puncturing his skin . He falls to the ground and looks up at the window . The Crawlers were there . They stared at Leo with their bright red eyes , then fell out of the window . The Crawler fell only inches from his feet . The window led to a small section of the center that was fenced in . Aeron tried to climb over the fence , but the ice caused him to lose his traction . He falls back to the ground . Leo limps over to him , and picks him up . Aeron thanks him and tells him to go first , Leo gladly took the chance to get away , and began to pull himself up the wires . Aeron turned around to see the Crawlers were now inside of the fenced in area . They had their hands reached out , and were ready to attack ! Leo yelled for Aeron to come on . He turns around , sprints towards the fence , jumps and throws himself over the top . They run around the building , but as they rounded the wall , the noticed that a horde had made their way to the entrance . The whole block was full of Crawlers . Aeron yanks Leo back to the wall and tells him to hold off . This was the safest place for them , since the Crawlers can 't climb . They took a breather , but as Leo fell to the cold ground , a Crawler comes around the corner . He grabs a hold of Leo ; Leo screams and begins to pull away . Aeron quickly pushes the Crawler , as the Crawler pushes up , off the ground , Aeron runs the long blade , of the machete , through the head of the Crawler . The rest of the horde heard the scream and made their way to the survivors . Aeron tells him to come on , as he ran back to the square towards the snowmobiles . Leo was following slowly behind , he wasn 't able to spring like Aeron was . Aeron stops at the car , and tries to light the rope with a lighter , but the lighter isnt working . Aeron continues to try until Leo pushes him to the ground , urging him to leave it alone . Aeron falls into the snow , his head hits the ground . In anger , he gets back up and pushes him back . He picks up the lighter from the ground , and tried to spark a flame , but the lighter wont spark due to it being wet , so he decided to leave it . They head towards the end of the road , but Crawlers were now surrounding the square , their only option was to fight . The snow made the fight truly amazing . As Aeron grabs his machete and slAeron saw that the fire was lit , and told Leo that they needed to push the Crawlers back . The car was about to explode . Leo shakes his head and pushes the crawlers back with his hands . One of them broke off , though , and attempted to grab Leo . Aeron swings his machete , and cuts of the head . Leo slips on a patch of ice and falls to the ground . One of the crawlers got on top of him , and screeched . Leo saw the beasts sharp teeth and began to cry out . The crawler lifted his fingers and lunged them towards his belly , but before he could make contact , Aeron puts the blade of his machete , through the skull of the crawler , blood drips into Leos mouth . Aeron pulls Leo up to his feet , but Leo falls to his knees and began to puke . Aeron yanks on his arm , and tells him that they need to get going . Aeron feels something , and looks down , Leos arm is dangerously cut open . Leo gets up and begins to run away . When the car explodes , they were launched through the air . Aeron opens his eyes . The fire was still burning violently . The Crawlers were burnt to a crisp . Body parts were shot around through the square . He sees that Leo was dripping blood , and needed assistance . Aeron tries to get up from the ground , but cant , his leg seemed to be broken . He starts to crawl over to Leo . Aeron feared that he had taking to much of the explosion , and that he was dead . But as he got closer , Leo lifted his arm , showing that he still had the bottle of Insulin they came for . Aeron smiles then falls face first into the snow . The sizzling from the fire echoed through Aeron 's ears . The sound was peaceful . It was much better , than hearing the Screech of Crawlers . Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude Tomorrow will begin the journey beyond the snow . It is the official beginning to the most thrilling story , I have ever wrote . I promise that this story will keep you entertained and thrilled , but also on your seat . You will feel for the characters and learn what it means to hate some characters . I am putting a lot of time into this story , so give me feedback when you can . I am proud to give you the sneak peek of the second episode : " The people of Fairfield began to leave , one - by - one they were dying , so they thought it would be easier out on the road . They found out shortly after that it was more dangerous than they thought . The fact that everyone was leaving , caused the leader to question his sanity . This led to the leader , Dr . Grey , to begin executing the rest of the known survivors . " This is the unedited form of this episode , and might change during the publishing process . But this will give you a nice little taste on what you should expect , tomorrow . I cant wait to share with you guys ! Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude I will be a gamer ! I will quit my writing career , to play a video game every second of everyday ! I will leave my wife alone in the room , and come out in the living room and play video games , all night . I will tell my boss that I am not coming to work , so all the focus is on my future dream . I will do it … . I can do … my tears are falling … . . this is my chance to become a man … . where is my Xbox controller ? Oh my god , it feels so right . I plop in a game , Black ops , and find a lobby . There are a lot of noobs in this dang lobby , ha - ha losers . This will be my first clip that will start my career off right . I round the corner , but there is no one there . I round another corner and still no one there . I lay down on the ground , patiently waiting for someone to come around the corner to pop their head off , yet no one comes around . So I place a claymore on the ground and run away . The game is quiet , not a single shot has left a barrel . It is thirty seconds into this game , and no one has a kill . I am still furiously searching for my first victim . The game must have kicked everyone off the server , or maybe its all campers in the lobby ? I wont give up , though ! This is my life now , this is the reason I quit everything , to follow in the footsteps of my GOD ! I will make him happy . Then out of no where a man jumps out , and plasters my head . I fall to the ground , dead . But I respawn seconds later . I grip my controller tightly , and begin to run across the map to find the one who killed me . I get to the spot that he killed me , and all - of - a - sudden I fall to the ground again , after tripping a claymore . I moaned in anger , but kept the faith . All gamers have those gun fights that they lose , I will recapitalize , and get back into this game . But as I spawned in , a man with a sniper , shot me as he did a 360 ' no - scope . I fell to the ground , again . This time I screamed and slammed my controller to the desk . But then something whispered into my ear . A man from heaven came to me , telling me this is my destiny . This is what I am living for , no one can stop me . I picked up my controller , and began to crawl around my spawn - area . But soon enough , a grenade flopped right in front of me . I tried to get out of the way , but it detonated , blowing a canister of gas up , leaving me for the reaper . I raged , but that wasn 't going to stop me . There were only a few seconds left in the match , which is all I needed . I have been fighting for this , I am an overcomer ! I put my gamer glasses on , and fire myself up as I walked around a brick wall . I got hit markered , but it didn 't kill me . I knew the guys location , it was time to exterminate . I aimed down my sights and rounded the corner . I saw him in the left house window . I quickly aimed , and shot . One hit marker , two hit markers ……… . . end of the match … . . I lost . I was about to get the kill , yet I lost . I went back to the previous game screen , went into the settings , but realized something . There is nothing lower than Recruit on the bots … . . I then called my boss back , I begged for my job , he said okay . I then wrote this blog , and now I have to face the deadliest beast in this whole world , my wife …… She has been screaming since 1 a . m . , I look down , it is 5 a . m . ………… I 'm dead . Ariel and I have been married for almost two - years . That is crazy , since it felt like yesterday was the big day , but two - years have collapsed behind us . These last two years have been the easiest and hardest of my whole life . The beginning of our marriage was hard , since I got us kicked out of our house , which was to happen the day after our honeymoon . I thought at that moment , we were done . She didn 't want anything to do with me , she wouldn 't talk to me , and she was having her family pick her up from work . I knew this was the right reaction to the pain and stress , I put on her , but I was scared . I was scared that I just worked so hard to win her heart , and now with one night , that was all going to end . Me and a few guys were blamed for shooting a whole bunch of things out around our home with a BB gun . I still think that we were framed , because in the area that the windows were broke , we had never been over there . But we got blamed for ever little bit of damage , which led to an two choice ; We either confess to doing it all , or we pay and get evicted . I saw the lies behind it all , either way they were going to evict us . This is when I started to look for new homes , but nothing was available , not for the money that we had . We just got paying for a wedding , we had $ 600 to our name , which is nothing to the price of most homes here . When the results came back empty , my cousin put all the blame on himself , blame that wasn 't ours to take at all , and tried to hatch out a plan . He went to the front office and told them to have someone come over . Later that day , the maintenance dude came over . This is the same guy that has never liked me . He spread a rumor , saying I pushed my wife down the stairs and that I blacked her eye . It was all coming together , now . He lied to get me out of the complex . My cousin confessed to false accusations , and we still got evicted . Now at this point , my wife called off the wedding , she blamed me for everything . I took the blame , and accepted the punishment . Then we sat down and talked ; I told her my side of the story , and told her who came over to tell us . She saw what I saw , and chose to put the wedding back on . She was still mad , but she knew that we would get over this together . The day before our honeymoon , we moved into our new home . The first year , we fought a lot due to where we moved into , but we grew out of the anger as we grew together . The second year was the easiest so far . We haven 't been fighting as much . We learned the art of compromising , which is why we fought so much in the beginning . We both work great jobs , and we are never behind on bills . We have learned to communicate without fighting , which is a big plus . We still have our dumb fights , but we never let them get too crazy . I have been a year sober of punching holes into doors , which is also a big plus . We are at our happiest together , something that can only get better as the years go on . To answer the question , No , I would never get a divorce . There are times that you are angry , and you wish that you never said those vows , but one good time together erases all the bad . Ariel is one of the only people that understand who I am , she understands my wants , needs , jokes , and can stand my hideous laugh . If she wasn 't in my life , I would be a living hell . She keeps me motivated to do my writing , and to love hard everyday . She accepts the fact that sometimes I am depressed and want to sleep , and there she is cuddling next to me … . I would never want to divorce someone like Ariel . She is my rock ! Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude Today is my birthday . I am sure that Facebook has already told most of my viewers , but if you didn 't know now you do . Today is my 22nd year being on this wonderful planet , and what is a better way to celebrate life than to write about life . I know I should take a break , relax , and stop writing for one day , but I just can 't . This post isnt about that , though . This post is about me , and what I have been doing in the last 22 years . Today is my birthday , but I wont be having a party . My wife asked me what I wanted to do , and I told her nothing . I don 't want to go out , I just want to relax tonight . I feel like I 'm too old to celebrate birthdays . I know that sounds dumb ; I 'm just not into the celebration part of birthdays , anymore . She wanted to go out , not to drink , but she wanted to go out to eat . Now that I think of it , maybe BDUBS sounds good . I will be happy with whatever we do tonight , but for now , I want to write . There are only a few birthday parties that I remember , most of them were conjoined with my cousins , since we all had close birthdays . But there was one birthday party that stuck in my head ; truly a night that I will never forget . It was my 19th birthday , two weeks after I began to date Ariel . She was planning on doing something for my birthday , but I had no idea what she was going to do . I know that I never had a surprise birthday party , so I was excited . The night began with her cooking a delightful dinner , or maybe she ordered it . Either way , it was very tasteful . The night was off to the right start . I already spent the day with my sister , so I got that side of the family out of the way . Now I got to spend the rest of the night , laying in the bed with my beautiful girlfriend , eat food , watch movies , and laugh together . For my birthday , she agreed to watch whatever movie I wanted to . I picked Freddy vs . Jason , she flopped in the disc , and we sat there eating and commentating during the whole movie . She is a Freddy fan where I am a Jason fanatic , so the whole movie she was saying that Jason sucked . I told her to shut up multiple times . The movie was almost to its end , when she brought out a surprise . The surprise was a card . The card was very sweet , but that wasn 't all that she had . She also brought out a cake , a blue cake ! It was homemade , and had pink lettering on the top ! It was so cute . I went to give her a kiss , and she shoved the cake in my face … . . I gave her a piece of her own medicine , as I shoved the icing up her nose . The cake was on the carpet , the bed , the counter , the dresser , everywhere . I think we got to save half of the cake to eat , but the rest was gone . I was wearing most of it , proudly of course . With our eyes sticky from the excessive sugar , we both took turns at the bathroom sink , washing the icing from our eyebrows , laughing hard still . After we got done washing our face , we went and laid on the bed . The movie was almost to the end , so we turned it off and turned on Pandora . The station needed to be changed , but that was an easy fix . Once the music set the mood , we laid there and told each other , everything . We covered fears , threats , families , movies , music , wants , needs . We got lost into talking that we forgot what time it was . When I looked down , it was almost 10 p . m . I needed to get home , I told my sister that I would be home at 10 . Since I was living with her , I had to obey by a few house rules , even if I was of age . I remember that drive home , though . There was snow on the ground , the snow was heavily falling . The roads were slick from the ice . If you know me , I love the snow , but Ariel isn 't a big fan so she called her brother to come with us . I know that night , I asked her to marry me . Most people don 't know that , but I asked her to marry me . I knew that night , she was the one . When we talked it clicked , but to see that she planned a whole party for me , I was in awe . I wanted to snatch this girl up , before someone else did . We got to my sisters , I gave her a kiss , and told her that I would call . She said that was fine , and that she loved me . This was the first time we said those words , words that I haven 't said in two years , at this point . I smiled , and said I loved her too . She smiled and pulled off into the winter storm . I wanted to chase her , but I was cold so I went inside . The night was over , but the memory kept playing in my head , all night long . Have you ever been a part of a divorce ? That doesn 't mean that you have had one . This is for those who were children when their parents split , mothers of daughters that got divorced , or even fathers of sons . If you were around someone that got divorced , or you got a divorce , this is for you . My father and mother got a divorce when I was only seven - years - old . At seven , I had no idea what was going on . I figured that we were just moving to another place , and my father would be meeting up soon enough . That was never the case , though . My sister and me were forced , by my mother , to go to the court hearings . She told us that it was needed for the judge to make the decision . I was lost on what decision the judge had to make , and why I had to tell the judge " mommy not dad . " I didn 't understand then what I know now . I didn 't know that those simple words were forcing my dad out of my life . I had no idea the weight that the choice had . I felt bad inside for saying " mommy over dad " , which is why I never did . Every time she told me to say it , I would " zip my mouth . " Her anger would spike every time I refused . It seemed that my mother needed me to say those words . Every time that I would refuse , she would tell me something my dad did to her , which later I learned were lies , but at the time I would believe it . I began to hate my dad . This is what she wanted and needed . She needed me to get to the point that I hated hearing " dad " so that I would say " I don 't love dad " or something to show the judge that I wanted to stay with my mom . I never did say those words , though . No matter what she told me , or what scar she showed me . I never told her that I hated my dad . The most that ever would happen , was I use to hide in a closet when my dad came to pick me up , for his weekend . I hid in the closet out of fear . My mother told me that he was dangerous , and shouldn 't be trust . I believed her , so I would hide as she told him that I was at a friends . She couldn 't get me to say that I hated him , so to have me fear him was her next option . This was right before she kidnapped us . She didn 't tell anyone where we were going . We disappeared into thin air , and never came back . We ended up in a town an hour and a half from my home town . My dad was lost to where we went , he continued to search , though . As he searched , we were now living a brand new life . She would never mention our dad , unless we brought him up , which she would just bash him . I remember at one time she told us that he was dead , and that was the reason for the move . My heart broke when I heard that he died , because I still loved him . I never formed any hate towards him , how could I ? He would always be my dad . I accepted the fact that he was dead , though . Then one night , he showed back up to our house . I have no idea how he found us , but he did . He stood next to his black car , waiting for my to come out . I saw that it was my dad , and raced for the door . She gave me a quick yank , and threw me to the ground . She then told my sister and me to go to our room . I screamed . I wanted to see my dad , but as I let out the scream , her hand connected to my mouth . At that moment , my sister carried me to the bedroom . I heard shouting outside , as tears flowed from my eyes , I began to pray that one day my dad could get custody of us . He did in the summer of 2005 , and that is when the story ended . My mother was no longer around , she couldn 't face the fact that she relinquished us to foster care , and left . My dad found us again and got us out , though . I wanted to write this to show those going through a divorce , what pain can be caused when you tell your family lies . In this certain circumstance , my mom lied about who my dad was . I was deprived from knowing my dad for majority of my life . But the scariest thing is , if I would have listened to her lies in the beginning , I would have been forced to never see my dad . She would have won full custody , then would have gotten a restraining order on him . He would never be able to see us . If you are going through a divorce , you don 't have to have everyone hate the other person . You don 't need to tell them stories , especially never brainwash them to hate them all because of what happened in the past . That will cause unneeded pain , that could also cause children to miss out on their parents . Impromtdude @ Facebook . com / impromtdude Today is the first day of my vacation ! Woot no work for a week ! That means that the house is super quiet . The quietness always puts me in the mood to write . There is something about nothing moving that makes my creativity expand . This is great for the fact that I wanted to spend this week writing . I started at 9 a . m . and now it is 12 p . m . , which is awesome since I already have six post written . Now this doesn 't mean that I will stop writing through the following weeks . I will still be writing daily , but this will help me stay ahead , and will give me more time to perfect my writing . With more time , I can spend more attention on editing and promoting . I just like the fact that I have been in this writing mood , and already have put a big dent into much of the work , that I need to finish this week . This week is dedicated to getting enough time stored away , so that I can begin to write my novel . I still have to begin the outline , the structure , and everything else that comes with writing a novel . Since most authors can write a book in six weeks , I decided to challenge myself . I will be challenging myself to write a whole novel ( rough draft ) in only six - weeks after finishing the whole outline . This will take a lot of time up , which means that I will need a lot of coffee and support from you guys . Which I know is easy , since you guys are amazing ! I made a blog post a few days ago , telling you guys that was mass producing to write my blog , but I felt bad for doing that . Why should I take a break from you guys , so that I can write a novel , when I can do both . I want to be very honest , there is nothing more refreshing than writing daily , but last week , I wrote work for the whole week , on Tuesday , and didn 't write again for the rest of the week . That whole week , I felt really weird , almost sick . I have come custom to writing daily , so when I miss multiple days in a row , I feel like something is missing . That is why I have decided to get a head of the game , but also to manage my time , so I can write daily . Now I know I would be writing daily , if I was writing my novel , but it isn 't the same as writing a blog everyday for you guys . So I have decided that I will be making a schedule , so that I can be on top of my game ; when I begin to write the novel ' Drifting away . ' This schedule will give me time to write on my novel , but also the same time to write a blog for you guys . Now some of the post might be written for the future , but still I remind you that I will write daily . 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I had a rough Monday . I 've been participating in a diabetes study at my doctor 's office , and today - one of the final visits - involved sitting there with an IV in my arm , having my blood drawn eight times over five hours . As if that weren 't bad enough , it took the nurses two hours to get the IV started . I have five holes in my left arm ( where the better vein is ) , and a sixth hole in my right arm . Ouch ! Of course , the late start meant that I was there later than I was supposed to be . Originally I was going to get done around mid - afternoon , stop off home to change my clothes and pick up my tack , and then go out to the barn to ride . By the time I got done , it was so late that I just went straight out there to drop off Panama 's new bag of grain . Panama was clearly happy to see me . He stopped and watched me park , and started walking over to the gate as soon as I got out of the car . I walked over and greeted him at the gate before getting the grain out of the car . Of course he was quite happy to see the grain too , which is why I waited to pull it out of the car - I wanted him to be happy to see me first ! Even after the grain was put away , Panama was still obviously happy to see me , so I haltered him up and groomed him . He kept looking back at me while I was grooming him - not anxiously , but like , " Hello ! " He was being so sweet that I decided to hop on bareback for a few minutes ( my bridle being the only thing there at the time ) . We just rode around the front pasture while the alpha and the mare watched us from the barn , but it was a good ride . I started out riding Panama in a circle around the pasture , which took him right toward the gate . He had a lot of pep in his step until we passed it and he realized we weren 't going out there after all . Good to know he 's eager to get out on the trail again , because that 's where we 're going tomorrow ! For the most part we just lazed around . I focused a bit on softening but he was being pretty good about it , so it wasn 't requiring much work . After a few laps around the pasture , Iposted by Katharine Swan @ 8 : 03 PM I visited Panama on Friday for the first time in a week . Between getting ready for my friend 's deadlines , trips to the doctor 's office , and work deadlines , I just hadn 't had much time to visit . When I arrived , all of the horses were out on the yard on the second property , the one that has been foreclosed on ( the barn owner has to be out in about another month ) : The barn owner said they 'd only been out there for about 15 minutes , so I decided to give Panama a little while longer to graze . I sat down near him and he walked over to say hi . His breath smelled like fresh grass - I love horsey smells ! I offered him a treat , and he was quite happy to stop grazing long enough to accept it : Got any more , Mom ? After another 15 minutes or so , I haltered Panama and led him back to the front pasture so I could tie and brush him . I was surprised at how anxious he was about leaving : He kept stopping and trying to look or go back , and while I was grooming him he kept whinnying and moving restlessly back and forth . He 's rarely ever exhibited signs of being this herd - bound , so I think it 's the fact that the other horses were grazing without him . He 's grass - bound , not herd - bound ! Eventually he did settle down a bit and let me finish grooming him without incident . When I was finished , I took him out on the field across the street and hand - grazed him on the wild alfalfa that grows there . I hadn 't been planning on riding , since my friend 's wedding was the next day , and I didn 't want to tempt fate too much - and seeing Panama 's behavior only cemented by resolve not to ride . When I brought Panama back into the pasture and released him , he ran away from me for the first time ever , cantering to get back to the grass . I supposed I should have done something about it , but I wasn 't sure what , so I didn 't bother fetching him and giving him a lesson on proper turning out etiquette . I think it was the situation , and also my fault for not taking him back to the grass before releasing him . Anyway , as always seems to happen when I 've been away from myposted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 36 PM Sorry for the long lapse in blog posting , commenting , and responding to comments . Between a friend 's bachelorette party on Saturday , the ensuing depression from not being able to live a life of partying anymore ( sigh ) , doctor 's appointments for a study I 'm currently enrolled in , and a major deadline this week on client work , I 've been unable to properly monitor my blogs , let alone get out to the barn and ride ! Fortunately , I completed the work that was due last night ( or , rather , this morning at about 5 o ' clock ) , so today I have the nearly forgotten luxury of taking it easy . ( Until my friend 's wedding rehearsal this evening , that is ! ) So today I 'll be catching up on my blog reading , comments , and emails . Tomorrow I might even get out to the barn for a little bit , though I 'm not going to tempt fate by riding the day before a wedding I 'm supposed to be in ! I 'm not usually superstitious , but in this case I think it 's better safe than sorry ! While you are waiting for my next brilliant ( hehe ) blog post , here is a local headline to remind everyone of the particular brand of craziness that seems to run in certain animal owners : Man who is threatening to kill horses ran for U . S . SenateBecause I 'm sure that threatening to publicly slaughter your horses will convince the county to change their zoning laws just for you ! Labels : admin I mentioned in my post about Friday 's trail ride that I have a theory about why Panama is so affectionate after a ride , particularly a good ride . Here it is : I think it 's about communication . I feel that my horse and I have a pretty special bond . I 'm not the best rider , but what I am good at is communicating with my horse . And although I 've always said that being on the ground with your horse is the best quality time you can spend with them , it is also true that nothing tests your communication with them better than riding . So this is my theory : I think that riding my horse is actually nothing more than working on honing our ability to communicate . Most of the time , that means communicating to him what I want , but of course it 's also a two - way channel - not only do I need to be able to " hear " him if he has something to tell me ( like the bugs making him cranky ) , I also need to be able to anticipate what he 's going to do before he does it , so that I can do a better job of communicating what I want from him . After such an intense exercise in communication , I think it 's only natural that we 'd be more in tune with one another . And that I think plays a major part in why he 's so much more affectionate after a ride . Of course , there are probably other things at work here . Endorphins are known to lift people 's mood after they exercise - certainly I feel really happy after a good ride - and I wouldn 't be surprised if it were the same with horses . Perhaps his affectionate behavior is also an expression of how good he feels after we ride . Certainly I 've noticed before that the happiest horses at the barns I 've been at always seem to be the ones that are ridden the most , so this is a good possibility . There 's also my s - e - x analogy . One of my riding buddies at my old barn had commented on how her horse used to get cranky when she 'd only ever visit when she wanted to ride . Her friend pointed out that it was kind of like your husband only ever wanting to spend time with you when he wants to get laid , and after that all I could tposted by Katharine Swan @ 12 : 15 PM I have too much planned for today and decided to forego my trip to the barn . So instead of a post about a ride , today I want to ask you about what you use to care for your leather tack . The subject came about because I cleaned my bridle about a week ago . It had gotten really dirty , so much so that my hands turned brown after 15 or 20 minutes of riding . I 'd never had it get so dirty before , so it was totally unexpected - which is , I think , why it got so bad before I realized what was going on . I think what happened was that the neatsfoot oil I used on it last time left a bit of a residue , which attracted the ( substantial amount of ) dust in the back pasture where I often ride . You can see how much dust we kick up in my recent video of my posting practice . Anyway , this time I found when I tried to clean my bridle that water just wasn 't cutting it . So I tried Leather New , a product I bought with this bridle nearly two years ago , and have barely touched since . I have to admit , it did do a pretty good job of cleaning the leather . It 's supposed to moisturize it too , so I didn 't use the neatsfoot oil at all this time . But I 'm still a bit skeptical as to whether it will protect the leather as well as the neatsfoot oil . What about you ? What are your favorite products to use on your leather tack ? I 'd love to hear what everyone else uses , and see if perhaps I can find something I like a bit better . Labels : horse tack I blogged a while back about my decision to start wearing a helmet when I ride in more dangerous situations - out on the trail being one of them . I hadn 't put my new policy into effect until Wednesday , though - all of my trail rides up until then were helmet - less . On Wednesday I borrowed a helmet from the tack room - one that belongs to the girls who own the alpha , but never come anymore since he can 't be ridden . I have pseudo - permission - that is , permission from the barn owner . Not quite correct ( and it does eat at me that I don 't have the owner 's permission ) , but I guess since the barn owner is responsible for all of the alpha 's care , he ought to have some authority over this , too . In any case , it 's just until I get my own . Here 's a picture I took after today 's trail practice . I was out there alone , as usual , so I set the camera 's timer and put it on a fence post . The pictures turned out pretty good , considering : The fact that it 's really pink and girly will serve as incentive to get my own soon . It is comfortable , though . It 's actually one of those really nice show helmets - the pink thing is just a cover , presumably to keep the black velvet clean - and is quite nicely padded inside . In fact , other than it making my head sweaty , I actually more or less forgot I had it on both times . Today 's ride was better than Wednesday 's , but only just . Panama was a bit on edge again . ( I hope he 's not scared of the pink helmet . . . Heh . ) I started out doing circles in the flat corner of the field , close to the barn . He kept wanting to go faster : trying to trot when it wasn 't asked for , and when I did ask for it , lurching into it and continually speeding up . He was also reluctant to turn away from home , and over - turned when heading toward home . This was the most barn sour I 've seen him , and I have no clue why . In any case , I kept at it until he settled down a little , and then we headed across the field to the trail . Other than a couple of attempts to trot , he was pretty good the whole way there . He climbed the hill to tposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 29 PM This morning I took Panama for a little walk along the trail . My friend Anna and her boyfriend Lee came along . The idea was to encourage him to slow down a bit , and to see if he was calmer with someone along , even if it wasn 't another horse . I 'm not so sure either purpose worked out the way I 'd hoped . I apologize ahead of time for the long post ( and the lack of pictures - we had our hands full as it was ) . It was actually a pretty short ride , but there ended up being lots of training opportunities : 1 ) Stopping and waiting . Panama didn 't slow down enough to match his pace to Anna and Lee - I think they were just walking a little to slow for him . I 've tried getting him to keep pace with Michael in the pasture , and he does just fine with that , but Michael also walks a little faster . However , Panama was much better at stopping when I asked and standing relatively patiently while Anna and Lee caught up . He seemed to understand that we needed to wait for the two - leggeds from time to time . 2 ) An encounter with a dog off - leash . Despite the clearly posted signs requiring that all dogs be on leashes , of course there are always plenty of people who think that doesn 't apply to them . We encountered one such woman right away . Not only was her dog not on a leash , but it was also apparently a puppy ( or at least extremely energetic and relatively untrained ) . When we were still 50 feet from the trail , he came bounding across the field to us . I took Panama a little ways to the side and Anna tried to catch the dog , but he quite happily wriggled loose and bounded up to Panama . After bouncing back and forth for a moment , flirting with the idea of getting closer , he finally ventured closer and stood a couple of feet in front of Panama , staring up at him . Thank heavens Panama is more curious about dogs than anything : He just stood there and stared back . He would have tried to smell the dog had I given him his head , but under the circumstances I thought it was better that I didn 't . Finally the dog 's owner , an older woman , came hurrying up tposted by Katharine Swan @ 9 : 28 PM A little while back I saw a keychain in a horse catalog made of braided horse hair . What a great idea , but why would you want just any horse 's hair when you could have your own ? I 'd also seen a braided horsehair bracelet at my local tack shop once a while back , and I really liked that idea , so I started looking for information on how to make braided horsehair jewelry . Today Panama 's tail was still nice and clean from his bath yesterday , so I decided to snip off a little from the backside , where it 's not visible . ( Finding some white to cut off was tricky , because it 's still growing out , and therefore I didn 't want to cut too much or where it 's too obvious . But I love his two - color mane and tail , so there has to be some white in whatever I make . ) I brought the hair home and immediately started looking for information on braided horsehair jewelry . I found quite a few sites where you can send in your horse 's hair and someone will make a bracelet , necklace , or whatever else you want out of it . I liked this one best , because of all the information , because of how much more personal it seemed , and because the prices are so much better than the others . Some actually charge you more if you want to send in your own horse 's hair . What 's that all about ? ? Of course , not having $ 65 ( let alone $ 100 or $ 150 for some of the other sites ) , I decided I need to figure out how to make these myself . Of course , I have to be sure I can do it , because Panama only has so much hair to give ! But I am good at braiding , so I don 't think it should be too difficult . One thing I did decide is that I liked the rounder braids that many websites used for their bracelets , instead of the traditional three - strand braids like the one at my local tack store . So I looked it up and found this video giving instructions on how to do a four - strand box braid . I practiced on some yarn first , and then decided to go ahead and make a keychain out of a little bit of Panama 's hair . This is my first attempt , and therefore the no - frills version : no beading or any other ornposted by Katharine Swan @ 4 : 22 PM After riding every day last week , I didn 't do much at the barn over the weekend or yesterday , so I arrived at the barn today with plans to ride . Not to be . I arrived to find that the two newest horses , the ones that arrived a month or so ago , are now being kept in the back pasture , the one on the property the barn owner is losing . The alpha has been going after them a lot , since they are still fairly new , and their owners have been getting fed up with the bites . Then yesterday their gelding bashed his forehead on something and opened up a little gash across it . Of course no one knows whether it was really due to the alpha , but the owners decided enough was enough - they wanted their horses kept separated from the others . I personally don 't understand all the fuss . Horses get hurt in pasture and that 's just how it is . Alphas bite , and the horses who are lowest on the totem pole get bitten , and that 's just how that is . I know it 's hard to see your horse get hurt , but we 're also not talking about major injuries here . This is scrapes and bruises . This is the kind of thing I expect to see , especially owning a horse who is almost always at the absolute bottom of the totem pole , no matter where we go . Anyway , while I was chatting on the phone with the two newest horses ' owners , the alpha went after Panama . I was behind the barn , so I wasn 't in the way , but I could see the entire thing . I checked Panama over , and sure enough , he had two fresh bites - one of which was under the saddle area and looked a bit sore already . No ride today ! I decided to hose down the bites with cool water , to clean them out and to hopefully ease the soreness a little . Because of their location , though , I decided to give Panama a quick bath at the same time . About halfway through , it started getting very dark , and around the time I finished up it was starting to rain . I unhooked Panama and he cantered all the way to the barn . That horse hates getting cold , rained on , or snowed on , that 's for sure ! I hung out in the barn with Panama for a little biposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 03 PM Today Michael and I were looking for someplace new to walk the dogs , so I suggested we park at the playground across the field from the barn , and walk along the trail the way I 'll be going with Panama . Because of where we parked , we started out at the residential street crossing , just past where Panama and I turned around last time . I wanted to see how far the trail goes before it intersects with another road , as I was having a hard time finding a map of the trail . We didn 't find another street crossing , and we walked for about 25 minutes before turning around . The trail follows a canal that used to be a main source of water and irrigation in the area , so it 's a wide ( 50 - foot ? ) swath that snakes back and forth across the metro area , most of which was farmland at one time . For the duration of our walk , therefore , the trail was lined on both sides with residential backyards , open space , parks , and one large , fenced - in wildlife preserve . It was a beautiful walk , and I wish I had brought my camera . After we turned around and were walking back past the wildlife preserve , we had a beautiful view of the mountains in the distance , on the other side of a large field with long green - and - golden grasses . We 'll probably walk it again before I am able to get Panama out that far , so I will be sure to take my camera next time ! I also succeeded in finding a sign with a trail map on it . The trail snakes back and forth and does indeed cross major roads in all the places I thought it did . I 'll only ever want to ride east , because to the west the trail crosses a major thoroughfare three times in perhaps half a mile ! And we 're talking simple crosswalks , too - no lights or bridges where the trail goes underneath the road . No thank you ! In the other direction , there are two other trails that branch off at some point . One goes underneath the next major thoroughfare to the east . ( Though a friend who lives in the area says there is a box under the bridge that squawks to pigeons to keep them from nesting there , and she 's afraid Panama might beposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 11 PM Yesterday I had another session with my trainer . I 've been doing only once a week since I started back up with her , but as I 'd missed the previous week , I scheduled two sessions with her for this past week . Interestingly , I really liked doing two sessions in one week . That 's what I did when he was in training initially , and although the cost of boarding where I am currently prohibits me from doing two sessions per week again right now , I really think I 'd benefit from it . Anyway , I asked to work on my two - point again , since I hadn 't practiced it since our last session ( having worked with Panama on trail riding instead ) . We also worked a bit on my sitting trot . My two - point is getting better . I asked my trainer if I was getting it , and she said yes - so my assumption that I was doing something wrong was incorrect . She said I just need more practice . So that was good news . She also said my posting is looking really good , which I was glad to hear . She shortened up my stirrups again ( by wrapping them - I 've run out of holes ) , and that seemed to really help . I was having a problem with my toes falling out of the stirrups when I tried to keep my heels down , and it was distracting me from the other stuff I was supposed to be doing . So when she shortened up my stirrups , I found it remarkably easier to post . Finally , we worked a bit on my sitting trot . I 'm not really comfortable at the sitting trot , and she has confessed that she 's not either , so she hasn 't made me practice it much . At the most she 's been having me sit 3 or 5 beats because she says that 's what I 'll do when asking for the canter . But I 'm thinking of practicing the sitting trot a little more on my own time - I bet I 'll feel more confident learning to canter if I can sit the trot comfortably first . As a side note , Panama is amazing me more and more by how well he is behaving . It 's like in the last month or so , all of a sudden it just clicked for him how he can help me while we 're riding - mainly by keeping a consistent pace or staying on the rail when I 'm wposted by Katharine Swan @ 11 : 57 AM I couldn 't be happier that I decided to ride again this morning . Panama and I had a really fabulous ride ! I took this picture just before we turned around , probably about 100 yards down the trail . I didn 't want to deal with the street crossing ( which you can see in this picture ) just yet . I 'm working on doing this a little bit at a time , as I don 't want to get a mile or two away from the barn and then discover he 's totally not ready to be out on the trail alone . I think he 'll do fine , but better safe than sorry ! The entire ride went really well . Before we crossed the field to get to the trail , I rode him in some circles in the flat part of the field near the barn , just to check his mood . He was quite well behaved , and although his trot was a little bit faster and more excited than usual , he was behaving himself quite well . He kept it up , too . I was able to keep him to a nice , leisurely walk all the way across the field , with only a couple of times where he needed correction . His pace quickened just a bit on the trail , but not beyond my comfort zone , and he maintained it with very little correction . He gave a green trash can a wide berth ( for some reason he really doesn 't like manmade green things out on the trail , which amuses me because that 's my favorite color to dress him in ) , but didn 't seem overly alarmed - just wary . We 'll work on that trash can a bit next time . I don 't trust people in our area to know the proper trail ettiquette with horses , so I kept looking over my shoulder , checking for cyclists coming up behind us . Since it was late morning during the week , there weren 't many people out , but one did pass us . I saw him when he was still a little ways back , poking along - I suppose to give me a chance to see him . ( Thank you ! ) I pulled Panama off the trail , turned him so that he could watch the cyclist ( to avoid any surprises ) , and we waited for him to pass . Panama watched him without showing any signs of concern , even though he never said anything to us . I decided to take a couple of pictures , so I leanedposted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 40 PM Do you have a time of day when you like riding the most ? My favorite time of day to ride is mid to late morning , before it starts getting too hot - and before the bugs get too bad . I also like riding earlier in the morning , but since I 'm not a morning person that doesn 't often happen . Occasionally I try to ride in the evening - it 's a convenient time because my husband and I share a car , so if I don 't feel like taking him to work I can ride after he gets home . But it usually ends up being an exercise in frustration , because as much as I personally like evenings , Panama usually fusses about the bugs so much that we don 't get much done . Last night was just such a ride . We only went on a quick ride , across the field and up to the trail . He was fussing about the mosquitoes the entire time and as a result I found it supremely difficult to relax , which of course made him tense as well as fussy . Not a good combination . Anyway , we only went about 50 feet down the trail , turned around , and came back . We also practiced going up and down the hill again a few times . He 's getting better about not trotting , but he tries to " fake " walking with that trot - almost - in - place thing horses do sometimes . Silly pony - as if I wouldn 't notice . We had a couple of issues : * Panama tried to break into a trot after watching someone jog by us on the trail . It was as if a light bulb went on his head , and he thought , " Oh , we can run here , too ! " A bit annoying when I spent almost the entire ride trying to slow him down , but rather amusing too that he is so easily influenced by other people on the trail . * We had a brief moment of panic about a bike . Two bikes passed us - a kid in front , and perhaps 50 feet behind , an adult . The kid was riding hard , smiled at us , said hello , and passed without slowing down . Panama didn 't so much as flinch . The adult came riding up just as hard , but didn 't say anything . As he approached , Panama started backing up , even though I actually had him parked off the trail on the other side from the bikes . The guy slowedposted by Katharine Swan @ 10 : 27 AM Are you ready for the latest drama at my barn ? ( Really , I don 't know how this barn has so much drama , using each other 's stuff , etc . There are five horses , three boarders , one instructor , one barn owner , and a neighbor ! That 's it ! ) Anyway , after my horseback riding lesson this afternoon , I was sponging off Panama 's back to clean off the sweat , when I happened to overhear an interesting conversation . The barn owner was sitting on his back patio talking on the phone ( quite loudly I might add ) , perhaps 50 feet from where I was , and he was talking about having lost the next door property . Now , I knew this was a likelihood . About two months ago he started telling me that he was having a hard time making the payments . Then on the first of July , he confessed he was $ 8 , 000 behind on the mortgage , and they wanted it that day . He was able to buy some extra time - but it seems not enough time , as I overheard him today telling someone over the phone that the place had already been auctioned off and he was supposed to be out in 60 days . He was trying to work out what that meant for his renter - I think he 's trying to use her lease on the front half of the property to keep using the back half ( the pasture ) for himself . This is a concern in some ways because the pasture on the back half of the next door property is the " back pasture " where I like to ride Panama . It 's less cluttered than the front pasture , and I can shut out the other horses . I don 't want to ride in the same pasture with several loose horses , especially when one of those is a cranky alpha . However , since I 've started getting Panama out into the field and onto the trail , perhaps losing the back pasture won 't be an issue . There is also a horse park with a nice riding arena about four blocks away , which we could use for lessons - if I can get Panama comfortable with going there . Most of it is on neighborhood streets , but I 'm not sure how well he 'll take that . It 's a big difference from riding in a field with the road twenty feet away ! Also , we would have to cross posted by Katharine Swan @ 9 : 55 PM I had another session with my trainer today . We 're doing two this week , since I missed last week due to all the excitement with Charlie . It was my idea - I felt bad about cancelling , and in any case I didn 't want to get behind . I 'm enjoying taking lessons again , and I feel like it is really helping with my riding skills . I was meaning to canter today to make up for chickening out last time , but my trainer immediately started asking for a two - point . This is something I haven 't practiced much , so I think what must have happened is that she had other plans , saw my two - point needed work , and that 's what the rest of our session ended up being . It 's been a while since I 've really practiced the two - point - since last summer , actually - but I was happy to find that my legs have gotten much stronger in the meantime . Still , it was difficult , as it requires the use of some muscles that don 't seem to get used during posting practice . Panama was an angel the entire time . He knows I prefer a slower trot ( less bouncy that way ) , and kept to a constant speed the entire time while I worked on improving my balance . When he does that kind of thing - gives me exactly what I need in order to work on myself - I feel like he is really taking care of me . What a good feeling ! I was going to take the day off of riding tomorrow , but given that I have something new to practice , I think I might ride again after all . I think a little practice in the pasture , followed by a bit more practice on the trail , sounds perfect , don 't you ? Labels : horseback riding lessons I was supposed to have a horseback riding lesson today , but my trainer accidentally double booked herself and asked to reschedule my session . Since I 'd already planned on being at the barn this morning , though , I decided to go anyway and just ride . I started out riding in the pasture , but Panama was quickly getting bored . I decided to ride him in the field , which I haven 't done for a couple of weeks . Since he has been doing really well riding away from home alone , I took him all the way across the field to where we pick up the trail . We watched a few bikes go by without him even flinching - in fact he seemed only mildly interested . Apparently he remembers them from the trails near our old barn ! In order to get to the trail , you have to go up a little incline , perhaps about six feet high . It 's not a bad slope , but once I verified Panama was still okay with bikes , I decided to practice going up and down . I had discovered last time I rode him in the field that he seems to have forgotten how to go down a hill without trotting , so I thought this was a good opportunity to practice . Panama apparently had other ideas . He was trotting down it pretty consistently , and perhaps the third or fourth time he decided he 'd had enough . I 'm pretty sure what I felt was him bucking , and not an awkward attempt to canter . I felt myself going up into the air - still in the saddle , thank heavens , though when we came back down I was sitting on the pommel instead of back in the seat . A commenter on one of Nuzzling Muzzles 's recent posts ( also about a near - accident ) said , " Don 't get scared , get mad . " I thought of this comment almost immediately after the experience , because I kept my wits about me enough to let him know while it was happening that I was none too pleased about it . As I was going up in the air , I let out a great big growl : " Rrrraaaaaaggghhh Panama CUT IT OUT ! " I think it 's funny because I didn 't even know at the time what exactly he was doing , but I knew it was a Bad Thing . Once we landed I pulled him back down to a walk and mposted by Katharine Swan @ 6 : 42 PM Yesterday was the first time in a while that Michael has accompanied me to the barn . Last week was simply crazy , and the two weeks before that , he was working his butt off to finish two summer classes . I 've been wanting him to take some video of me riding for a while now , so with a little sweet - talking I convinced him it was high time he came out to the barn with me again . Unfortunately , I was a bit dizzy when we got out there , so I didn 't practice much - but we did get a little footage of me posting . I 'd only made a few laps around the back pasture when the alpha gelding and Panama 's girlfriend demonstrated that they 'd learned how to open the gate if you didn 't latch it firmly enough . Next thing I knew , Panama and I were dodging a little butt - biting , compliments of the mare . Luckily my horse knows his job well enough that he didn 't try to kick out at her or even run away . At first I was going to try to ride with them in the pasture , but the butt - biting attempt changed my mind . Michael started trying ( rather ineffectively ) to get the mare moving back toward the gate , and I decided to put Panama to work helping . We followed along behind the mare and I clucked to her to keep her moving . At first Panama was a bit confused as to whether I was clucking to her or him , but I was proud of him - he got it figured out pretty quickly . Once we got the mare through the gate , Panama and I went back for the alpha . He was easier , because he doesn 't like being alone so his instinct was to follow the mare anyway . Michael shut the gate behind them and Panama and I went back to posting practice . I have to admit I don 't know the first thing about herding from horseback , but I thought Panama did very nicely . I wonder what he thought about bossing them around for once ! Labels : horseback riding With Charlie gone , our lives are comfortingly normal again - and although we miss him , it 's also nice to be able to leave the house , walk our dogs , and go out to the barn again . Although we had a busy day ahead of us , I made sure I got out to the barn today ( Saturday ) around late morning after we walked the dogs . It was the first time I 'd been out there in 10 days - between my sister getting married last weekend , Michael taking Monday off , and finding Charlie on Wednesday , I hadn 't been able to do any of my normal activities ( including , unfortunately , working ) in a week and a half . I only had time to ride for about fifteen minutes , but we made it a good one . Panama was quite well behaved , as I often find he is when I haven 't ridden for a while . In addition , I felt like I was better able to feel what my body was doing , perhaps also because I hadn 't ridden in a while . It was an odd , but refreshing , sensation . I started out with some practice on whoa , which I really need to practice more but usually forget until late in our ride . As a result , I discovered something that I consider very important : Panama stops quite well if we haven 't already been riding for a while . We also practiced both slower and faster trots , and slowing to a walk , while I worked on breathing and holding in my mind the rhythm I wanted in order to control Panama 's gait and pace a bit better . It seems to work , if not all the time , at least a lot better than having no plan and yanking on the reins . While it wasn 't a very long ride , it was extremely refreshing to squeeze in some horse time with what little availability I had today . I feel like my life is back to normal , and it 's a good feeling ! Labels : horseback riding This is the last clear picture I got of Charlie , the stray lab puppy Michael found Wednesday morning . I took it yesterday evening with my cell phone , while we were on the way to pick Michael up from work . Charlie had ridden about half the trip in the backseat before deciding to ride in the front seat like a person . At the time I knew I was leaning toward taking him to the shelter , and I actually wondered if it would be the last picture I 'd take of him . But what really made up our minds for us was when Charlie pushed right through the baby gate yesterday evening and followed us down into the basement , where he proceded to chase the cats . This has been the cats ' domain since we moved into the house three and a half years ago - Emma was always too scared of the stairs to try going down them , and it was pretty easy to discourage Grace from trying it when we got her . ( She has a bad hip and it probably would be too difficult for her at this point anyway . ) We have two cats , which have been with me since long before I met Michael . Prince , my all - white , odd - eyed ( one blue eye , one gold ) cat is deaf . He 's pretty adaptable and has learned to live with , and I think even like , the dogs . Cleo , on the other hand , nearly died of feline hepatic lipidosis ( where the cat stops eating and the liver fails as a result ) when Michael and Emma first moved in with us . When we added Grace to the family , she managed a little better , primarily because by then she had a basement all to herself . But she was really upset when Charlie invaded her space - six hours after we took him to the shelter , she still keeps looking over her shoulder and won 't come upstairs . Don 't get me wrong . We 're not quitters . We loved Charlie and would have kept him , even with all the other work he required . That much training is admittedly intimidating , but it wouldn 't have stopped me from keeping him . But I can 't risk the life of my cat , who has been with me for eight years now , because of a cute puppy face . So our decision ended up nearly making itself . Perhaps for thposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 55 PM Have you ever met an animal that just seems determined to worm its way into your life ? That 's kind of how Charlie is turning out to be . I went with my mom today to take him to the shelter , and I just couldn 't do it . I broke down and started crying , and they said they 'd hold the spot for another day to give us a little longer to think about it . The advantage of this way is , even if we still decide to give him up , Michael will be able to go with me tomorrow , so I 'll have a little support when I get emotional . In the meantime , friends and family have been offering a lot of opinions as to what his breeding could be . He looks quite lab - like in the face at times , but not all the time . And his lean torso and long legs have led several people to suggest that maybe he 's a lab / greyhound mix . The changes in Charlie 's personality over the last 36 hours are fascinating to watch . He seemed to fit in with our other two dogs right from the beginning , but now he is starting to try to play with Emma . He doesn 't really know how , but he 's trying . He 's also learning . Already he 's understanding simple commands like down , back , go lie down , no , and even sit . ( For some reason sit took the longest . ) He has also figured out cute little things , such as pushing his nose into my hand when he wants attention . He 's really responsive to praise - he absolutely eats it up - and although he is still a bit unsure of people at times , he is learning to trust . He is fascinated by our cats , but not aggressive with them . He chases them if they run away , but when I held the male cat for him ( the one that 's better with dogs ) he sniffed him , licked his foot , and was really gentle . I think with some training he would stop trying to chase them . Unfortunately , he 's still a flight risk . When you go outside with him it 's like he turns into a different dog . We have to take him out on a leash , even in the backyard , because he can cross the yard and scale the fence before you 're even out the door all the way . And every once in a while , he pitches a fit about going bposted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 29 PM My day has been completely monopolized by just one thing : doing the right thing by a stray dog my husband found this morning . Michael was walking Grace , our white shepherd , at a local park when this young yellow lab mix ran up to them . He seemed friendly and walked with them for a few minutes , then ran up to the next person he saw with a dog . He and the woman realized the dog was stray , and decided to catch him . In the end , it took four people to catch him - despite being friendly , he was a bit skittish , probably because he was scared . Of course , he is young - perhaps a year - and intact . Probably he 's experiencing his first real rush of hormones and ran off to look for a good lay . He 's also skinny - not starved , but his ribs and hip bones stick out more than they should - and almost completely untrained . Yet he has clipped nails . His owners went to the trouble to clip his nails , but they can 't feed , train , or neuter him ? This stinks to me of white trash . . . So my day has been spent trying to decide what to do with this dog , whom I 've been calling Charlie . ( He already answers to it , too - he is ridiculously smart ! ) I started out thinking that maybe we could keep him , but quickly realized he is probably too much dog for our already - full household . Primarily this is because he is an escape artist , and quite adept at scaling our chain - link fence . I had to chase him down and bring him back three times this morning before I learned I had to keep him inside - no exceptions ! He also figured out how to open the storm door on our back door within 10 minutes of being inside the house , so I 've had to be careful about that too . The law in Denver dictates that all dogs and cats must be neutered unless the owners have a breeding license . Even if it weren 't for that , though , one of my biggest issues has been the thought of giving him back to his owner still intact . It 's against my morals . So I was really hoping we wouldn 't be able to find his owners , but I wasn 't sure what to do with him if my wish came true ( which , soposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 33 PM I 've been ridiculously busy for the last six days , and am ashamed to say I haven 't made it out to the barn since my trainer came last Wednesday . Thankfully , my trainer had to reschedule this week 's lesson , so I will have a chance to ride tomorrow . I don 't like going all week without practicing between lessons ! Here 's my week since my last lesson : Thursday - Spending time with my mom , primarily shopping for the stuff to finish a wedding present for my sister and for shoes to wear to the weddingFriday - Finishing my sister 's wedding present and the rehearsal dinnerSaturday - Babysitting all day , then the wedding in the eveningSunday - Relaxing and spending some time on my other hobby , collecting and fixing vintage dollsMonday - Relaxing , ice cream with my mom , and babysittingTuesday - Spending time with my mom ( who is on vacation this week to recover from the wedding ) and getting back to workI wasn 't in the wedding , but even so ( or perhaps because of it ) I found the weekend emotionally draining . So much so that even the last couple of days , when I technically could have made time for a ride , I haven 't felt like doing anything that requires that much effort . I feel intensely guilty , and also like I 've deprived myself of something I know I would have enjoyed once I got out there , but I couldn 't have helped how I felt . That 's okay - I 'll make up for it tomorrow . More later ! Labels : admin |
I had a rough Monday . I 've been participating in a diabetes study at my doctor 's office , and today - one of the final visits - involved sitting there with an IV in my arm , having my blood drawn eight times over five hours . As if that weren 't bad enough , it took the nurses two hours to get the IV started . I have five holes in my left arm ( where the better vein is ) , and a sixth hole in my right arm . Ouch ! Of course , the late start meant that I was there later than I was supposed to be . Originally I was going to get done around mid - afternoon , stop off home to change my clothes and pick up my tack , and then go out to the barn to ride . By the time I got done , it was so late that I just went straight out there to drop off Panama 's new bag of grain . Panama was clearly happy to see me . He stopped and watched me park , and started walking over to the gate as soon as I got out of the car . I walked over and greeted him at the gate before getting the grain out of the car . Of course he was quite happy to see the grain too , which is why I waited to pull it out of the car - I wanted him to be happy to see me first ! Even after the grain was put away , Panama was still obviously happy to see me , so I haltered him up and groomed him . He kept looking back at me while I was grooming him - not anxiously , but like , " Hello ! " He was being so sweet that I decided to hop on bareback for a few minutes ( my bridle being the only thing there at the time ) . We just rode around the front pasture while the alpha and the mare watched us from the barn , but it was a good ride . I started out riding Panama in a circle around the pasture , which took him right toward the gate . He had a lot of pep in his step until we passed it and he realized we weren 't going out there after all . Good to know he 's eager to get out on the trail again , because that 's where we 're going tomorrow ! For the most part we just lazed around . I focused a bit on softening but he was being pretty good about it , so it wasn 't requiring much work . After a few laps around the pasture , Iposted by Katharine Swan @ 8 : 03 PM I visited Panama on Friday for the first time in a week . Between getting ready for my friend 's deadlines , trips to the doctor 's office , and work deadlines , I just hadn 't had much time to visit . When I arrived , all of the horses were out on the yard on the second property , the one that has been foreclosed on ( the barn owner has to be out in about another month ) : The barn owner said they 'd only been out there for about 15 minutes , so I decided to give Panama a little while longer to graze . I sat down near him and he walked over to say hi . His breath smelled like fresh grass - I love horsey smells ! I offered him a treat , and he was quite happy to stop grazing long enough to accept it : Got any more , Mom ? After another 15 minutes or so , I haltered Panama and led him back to the front pasture so I could tie and brush him . I was surprised at how anxious he was about leaving : He kept stopping and trying to look or go back , and while I was grooming him he kept whinnying and moving restlessly back and forth . He 's rarely ever exhibited signs of being this herd - bound , so I think it 's the fact that the other horses were grazing without him . He 's grass - bound , not herd - bound ! Eventually he did settle down a bit and let me finish grooming him without incident . When I was finished , I took him out on the field across the street and hand - grazed him on the wild alfalfa that grows there . I hadn 't been planning on riding , since my friend 's wedding was the next day , and I didn 't want to tempt fate too much - and seeing Panama 's behavior only cemented by resolve not to ride . When I brought Panama back into the pasture and released him , he ran away from me for the first time ever , cantering to get back to the grass . I supposed I should have done something about it , but I wasn 't sure what , so I didn 't bother fetching him and giving him a lesson on proper turning out etiquette . I think it was the situation , and also my fault for not taking him back to the grass before releasing him . Anyway , as always seems to happen when I 've been away from myposted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 36 PM Sorry for the long lapse in blog posting , commenting , and responding to comments . Between a friend 's bachelorette party on Saturday , the ensuing depression from not being able to live a life of partying anymore ( sigh ) , doctor 's appointments for a study I 'm currently enrolled in , and a major deadline this week on client work , I 've been unable to properly monitor my blogs , let alone get out to the barn and ride ! Fortunately , I completed the work that was due last night ( or , rather , this morning at about 5 o ' clock ) , so today I have the nearly forgotten luxury of taking it easy . ( Until my friend 's wedding rehearsal this evening , that is ! ) So today I 'll be catching up on my blog reading , comments , and emails . Tomorrow I might even get out to the barn for a little bit , though I 'm not going to tempt fate by riding the day before a wedding I 'm supposed to be in ! I 'm not usually superstitious , but in this case I think it 's better safe than sorry ! While you are waiting for my next brilliant ( hehe ) blog post , here is a local headline to remind everyone of the particular brand of craziness that seems to run in certain animal owners : Man who is threatening to kill horses ran for U . S . SenateBecause I 'm sure that threatening to publicly slaughter your horses will convince the county to change their zoning laws just for you ! Labels : admin I mentioned in my post about Friday 's trail ride that I have a theory about why Panama is so affectionate after a ride , particularly a good ride . Here it is : I think it 's about communication . I feel that my horse and I have a pretty special bond . I 'm not the best rider , but what I am good at is communicating with my horse . And although I 've always said that being on the ground with your horse is the best quality time you can spend with them , it is also true that nothing tests your communication with them better than riding . So this is my theory : I think that riding my horse is actually nothing more than working on honing our ability to communicate . Most of the time , that means communicating to him what I want , but of course it 's also a two - way channel - not only do I need to be able to " hear " him if he has something to tell me ( like the bugs making him cranky ) , I also need to be able to anticipate what he 's going to do before he does it , so that I can do a better job of communicating what I want from him . After such an intense exercise in communication , I think it 's only natural that we 'd be more in tune with one another . And that I think plays a major part in why he 's so much more affectionate after a ride . Of course , there are probably other things at work here . Endorphins are known to lift people 's mood after they exercise - certainly I feel really happy after a good ride - and I wouldn 't be surprised if it were the same with horses . Perhaps his affectionate behavior is also an expression of how good he feels after we ride . Certainly I 've noticed before that the happiest horses at the barns I 've been at always seem to be the ones that are ridden the most , so this is a good possibility . There 's also my s - e - x analogy . One of my riding buddies at my old barn had commented on how her horse used to get cranky when she 'd only ever visit when she wanted to ride . Her friend pointed out that it was kind of like your husband only ever wanting to spend time with you when he wants to get laid , and after that all I could tposted by Katharine Swan @ 12 : 15 PM I have too much planned for today and decided to forego my trip to the barn . So instead of a post about a ride , today I want to ask you about what you use to care for your leather tack . The subject came about because I cleaned my bridle about a week ago . It had gotten really dirty , so much so that my hands turned brown after 15 or 20 minutes of riding . I 'd never had it get so dirty before , so it was totally unexpected - which is , I think , why it got so bad before I realized what was going on . I think what happened was that the neatsfoot oil I used on it last time left a bit of a residue , which attracted the ( substantial amount of ) dust in the back pasture where I often ride . You can see how much dust we kick up in my recent video of my posting practice . Anyway , this time I found when I tried to clean my bridle that water just wasn 't cutting it . So I tried Leather New , a product I bought with this bridle nearly two years ago , and have barely touched since . I have to admit , it did do a pretty good job of cleaning the leather . It 's supposed to moisturize it too , so I didn 't use the neatsfoot oil at all this time . But I 'm still a bit skeptical as to whether it will protect the leather as well as the neatsfoot oil . What about you ? What are your favorite products to use on your leather tack ? I 'd love to hear what everyone else uses , and see if perhaps I can find something I like a bit better . Labels : horse tack I blogged a while back about my decision to start wearing a helmet when I ride in more dangerous situations - out on the trail being one of them . I hadn 't put my new policy into effect until Wednesday , though - all of my trail rides up until then were helmet - less . On Wednesday I borrowed a helmet from the tack room - one that belongs to the girls who own the alpha , but never come anymore since he can 't be ridden . I have pseudo - permission - that is , permission from the barn owner . Not quite correct ( and it does eat at me that I don 't have the owner 's permission ) , but I guess since the barn owner is responsible for all of the alpha 's care , he ought to have some authority over this , too . In any case , it 's just until I get my own . Here 's a picture I took after today 's trail practice . I was out there alone , as usual , so I set the camera 's timer and put it on a fence post . The pictures turned out pretty good , considering : The fact that it 's really pink and girly will serve as incentive to get my own soon . It is comfortable , though . It 's actually one of those really nice show helmets - the pink thing is just a cover , presumably to keep the black velvet clean - and is quite nicely padded inside . In fact , other than it making my head sweaty , I actually more or less forgot I had it on both times . Today 's ride was better than Wednesday 's , but only just . Panama was a bit on edge again . ( I hope he 's not scared of the pink helmet . . . Heh . ) I started out doing circles in the flat corner of the field , close to the barn . He kept wanting to go faster : trying to trot when it wasn 't asked for , and when I did ask for it , lurching into it and continually speeding up . He was also reluctant to turn away from home , and over - turned when heading toward home . This was the most barn sour I 've seen him , and I have no clue why . In any case , I kept at it until he settled down a little , and then we headed across the field to the trail . Other than a couple of attempts to trot , he was pretty good the whole way there . He climbed the hill to tposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 29 PM This morning I took Panama for a little walk along the trail . My friend Anna and her boyfriend Lee came along . The idea was to encourage him to slow down a bit , and to see if he was calmer with someone along , even if it wasn 't another horse . I 'm not so sure either purpose worked out the way I 'd hoped . I apologize ahead of time for the long post ( and the lack of pictures - we had our hands full as it was ) . It was actually a pretty short ride , but there ended up being lots of training opportunities : 1 ) Stopping and waiting . Panama didn 't slow down enough to match his pace to Anna and Lee - I think they were just walking a little to slow for him . I 've tried getting him to keep pace with Michael in the pasture , and he does just fine with that , but Michael also walks a little faster . However , Panama was much better at stopping when I asked and standing relatively patiently while Anna and Lee caught up . He seemed to understand that we needed to wait for the two - leggeds from time to time . 2 ) An encounter with a dog off - leash . Despite the clearly posted signs requiring that all dogs be on leashes , of course there are always plenty of people who think that doesn 't apply to them . We encountered one such woman right away . Not only was her dog not on a leash , but it was also apparently a puppy ( or at least extremely energetic and relatively untrained ) . When we were still 50 feet from the trail , he came bounding across the field to us . I took Panama a little ways to the side and Anna tried to catch the dog , but he quite happily wriggled loose and bounded up to Panama . After bouncing back and forth for a moment , flirting with the idea of getting closer , he finally ventured closer and stood a couple of feet in front of Panama , staring up at him . Thank heavens Panama is more curious about dogs than anything : He just stood there and stared back . He would have tried to smell the dog had I given him his head , but under the circumstances I thought it was better that I didn 't . Finally the dog 's owner , an older woman , came hurrying up tposted by Katharine Swan @ 9 : 28 PM A little while back I saw a keychain in a horse catalog made of braided horse hair . What a great idea , but why would you want just any horse 's hair when you could have your own ? I 'd also seen a braided horsehair bracelet at my local tack shop once a while back , and I really liked that idea , so I started looking for information on how to make braided horsehair jewelry . Today Panama 's tail was still nice and clean from his bath yesterday , so I decided to snip off a little from the backside , where it 's not visible . ( Finding some white to cut off was tricky , because it 's still growing out , and therefore I didn 't want to cut too much or where it 's too obvious . But I love his two - color mane and tail , so there has to be some white in whatever I make . ) I brought the hair home and immediately started looking for information on braided horsehair jewelry . I found quite a few sites where you can send in your horse 's hair and someone will make a bracelet , necklace , or whatever else you want out of it . I liked this one best , because of all the information , because of how much more personal it seemed , and because the prices are so much better than the others . Some actually charge you more if you want to send in your own horse 's hair . What 's that all about ? ? Of course , not having $ 65 ( let alone $ 100 or $ 150 for some of the other sites ) , I decided I need to figure out how to make these myself . Of course , I have to be sure I can do it , because Panama only has so much hair to give ! But I am good at braiding , so I don 't think it should be too difficult . One thing I did decide is that I liked the rounder braids that many websites used for their bracelets , instead of the traditional three - strand braids like the one at my local tack store . So I looked it up and found this video giving instructions on how to do a four - strand box braid . I practiced on some yarn first , and then decided to go ahead and make a keychain out of a little bit of Panama 's hair . This is my first attempt , and therefore the no - frills version : no beading or any other ornposted by Katharine Swan @ 4 : 22 PM After riding every day last week , I didn 't do much at the barn over the weekend or yesterday , so I arrived at the barn today with plans to ride . Not to be . I arrived to find that the two newest horses , the ones that arrived a month or so ago , are now being kept in the back pasture , the one on the property the barn owner is losing . The alpha has been going after them a lot , since they are still fairly new , and their owners have been getting fed up with the bites . Then yesterday their gelding bashed his forehead on something and opened up a little gash across it . Of course no one knows whether it was really due to the alpha , but the owners decided enough was enough - they wanted their horses kept separated from the others . I personally don 't understand all the fuss . Horses get hurt in pasture and that 's just how it is . Alphas bite , and the horses who are lowest on the totem pole get bitten , and that 's just how that is . I know it 's hard to see your horse get hurt , but we 're also not talking about major injuries here . This is scrapes and bruises . This is the kind of thing I expect to see , especially owning a horse who is almost always at the absolute bottom of the totem pole , no matter where we go . Anyway , while I was chatting on the phone with the two newest horses ' owners , the alpha went after Panama . I was behind the barn , so I wasn 't in the way , but I could see the entire thing . I checked Panama over , and sure enough , he had two fresh bites - one of which was under the saddle area and looked a bit sore already . No ride today ! I decided to hose down the bites with cool water , to clean them out and to hopefully ease the soreness a little . Because of their location , though , I decided to give Panama a quick bath at the same time . About halfway through , it started getting very dark , and around the time I finished up it was starting to rain . I unhooked Panama and he cantered all the way to the barn . That horse hates getting cold , rained on , or snowed on , that 's for sure ! I hung out in the barn with Panama for a little biposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 03 PM Today Michael and I were looking for someplace new to walk the dogs , so I suggested we park at the playground across the field from the barn , and walk along the trail the way I 'll be going with Panama . Because of where we parked , we started out at the residential street crossing , just past where Panama and I turned around last time . I wanted to see how far the trail goes before it intersects with another road , as I was having a hard time finding a map of the trail . We didn 't find another street crossing , and we walked for about 25 minutes before turning around . The trail follows a canal that used to be a main source of water and irrigation in the area , so it 's a wide ( 50 - foot ? ) swath that snakes back and forth across the metro area , most of which was farmland at one time . For the duration of our walk , therefore , the trail was lined on both sides with residential backyards , open space , parks , and one large , fenced - in wildlife preserve . It was a beautiful walk , and I wish I had brought my camera . After we turned around and were walking back past the wildlife preserve , we had a beautiful view of the mountains in the distance , on the other side of a large field with long green - and - golden grasses . We 'll probably walk it again before I am able to get Panama out that far , so I will be sure to take my camera next time ! I also succeeded in finding a sign with a trail map on it . The trail snakes back and forth and does indeed cross major roads in all the places I thought it did . I 'll only ever want to ride east , because to the west the trail crosses a major thoroughfare three times in perhaps half a mile ! And we 're talking simple crosswalks , too - no lights or bridges where the trail goes underneath the road . No thank you ! In the other direction , there are two other trails that branch off at some point . One goes underneath the next major thoroughfare to the east . ( Though a friend who lives in the area says there is a box under the bridge that squawks to pigeons to keep them from nesting there , and she 's afraid Panama might beposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 11 PM Yesterday I had another session with my trainer . I 've been doing only once a week since I started back up with her , but as I 'd missed the previous week , I scheduled two sessions with her for this past week . Interestingly , I really liked doing two sessions in one week . That 's what I did when he was in training initially , and although the cost of boarding where I am currently prohibits me from doing two sessions per week again right now , I really think I 'd benefit from it . Anyway , I asked to work on my two - point again , since I hadn 't practiced it since our last session ( having worked with Panama on trail riding instead ) . We also worked a bit on my sitting trot . My two - point is getting better . I asked my trainer if I was getting it , and she said yes - so my assumption that I was doing something wrong was incorrect . She said I just need more practice . So that was good news . She also said my posting is looking really good , which I was glad to hear . She shortened up my stirrups again ( by wrapping them - I 've run out of holes ) , and that seemed to really help . I was having a problem with my toes falling out of the stirrups when I tried to keep my heels down , and it was distracting me from the other stuff I was supposed to be doing . So when she shortened up my stirrups , I found it remarkably easier to post . Finally , we worked a bit on my sitting trot . I 'm not really comfortable at the sitting trot , and she has confessed that she 's not either , so she hasn 't made me practice it much . At the most she 's been having me sit 3 or 5 beats because she says that 's what I 'll do when asking for the canter . But I 'm thinking of practicing the sitting trot a little more on my own time - I bet I 'll feel more confident learning to canter if I can sit the trot comfortably first . As a side note , Panama is amazing me more and more by how well he is behaving . It 's like in the last month or so , all of a sudden it just clicked for him how he can help me while we 're riding - mainly by keeping a consistent pace or staying on the rail when I 'm wposted by Katharine Swan @ 11 : 57 AM I couldn 't be happier that I decided to ride again this morning . Panama and I had a really fabulous ride ! I took this picture just before we turned around , probably about 100 yards down the trail . I didn 't want to deal with the street crossing ( which you can see in this picture ) just yet . I 'm working on doing this a little bit at a time , as I don 't want to get a mile or two away from the barn and then discover he 's totally not ready to be out on the trail alone . I think he 'll do fine , but better safe than sorry ! The entire ride went really well . Before we crossed the field to get to the trail , I rode him in some circles in the flat part of the field near the barn , just to check his mood . He was quite well behaved , and although his trot was a little bit faster and more excited than usual , he was behaving himself quite well . He kept it up , too . I was able to keep him to a nice , leisurely walk all the way across the field , with only a couple of times where he needed correction . His pace quickened just a bit on the trail , but not beyond my comfort zone , and he maintained it with very little correction . He gave a green trash can a wide berth ( for some reason he really doesn 't like manmade green things out on the trail , which amuses me because that 's my favorite color to dress him in ) , but didn 't seem overly alarmed - just wary . We 'll work on that trash can a bit next time . I don 't trust people in our area to know the proper trail ettiquette with horses , so I kept looking over my shoulder , checking for cyclists coming up behind us . Since it was late morning during the week , there weren 't many people out , but one did pass us . I saw him when he was still a little ways back , poking along - I suppose to give me a chance to see him . ( Thank you ! ) I pulled Panama off the trail , turned him so that he could watch the cyclist ( to avoid any surprises ) , and we waited for him to pass . Panama watched him without showing any signs of concern , even though he never said anything to us . I decided to take a couple of pictures , so I leanedposted by Katharine Swan @ 1 : 40 PM Do you have a time of day when you like riding the most ? My favorite time of day to ride is mid to late morning , before it starts getting too hot - and before the bugs get too bad . I also like riding earlier in the morning , but since I 'm not a morning person that doesn 't often happen . Occasionally I try to ride in the evening - it 's a convenient time because my husband and I share a car , so if I don 't feel like taking him to work I can ride after he gets home . But it usually ends up being an exercise in frustration , because as much as I personally like evenings , Panama usually fusses about the bugs so much that we don 't get much done . Last night was just such a ride . We only went on a quick ride , across the field and up to the trail . He was fussing about the mosquitoes the entire time and as a result I found it supremely difficult to relax , which of course made him tense as well as fussy . Not a good combination . Anyway , we only went about 50 feet down the trail , turned around , and came back . We also practiced going up and down the hill again a few times . He 's getting better about not trotting , but he tries to " fake " walking with that trot - almost - in - place thing horses do sometimes . Silly pony - as if I wouldn 't notice . We had a couple of issues : * Panama tried to break into a trot after watching someone jog by us on the trail . It was as if a light bulb went on his head , and he thought , " Oh , we can run here , too ! " A bit annoying when I spent almost the entire ride trying to slow him down , but rather amusing too that he is so easily influenced by other people on the trail . * We had a brief moment of panic about a bike . Two bikes passed us - a kid in front , and perhaps 50 feet behind , an adult . The kid was riding hard , smiled at us , said hello , and passed without slowing down . Panama didn 't so much as flinch . The adult came riding up just as hard , but didn 't say anything . As he approached , Panama started backing up , even though I actually had him parked off the trail on the other side from the bikes . The guy slowedposted by Katharine Swan @ 10 : 27 AM Are you ready for the latest drama at my barn ? ( Really , I don 't know how this barn has so much drama , using each other 's stuff , etc . There are five horses , three boarders , one instructor , one barn owner , and a neighbor ! That 's it ! ) Anyway , after my horseback riding lesson this afternoon , I was sponging off Panama 's back to clean off the sweat , when I happened to overhear an interesting conversation . The barn owner was sitting on his back patio talking on the phone ( quite loudly I might add ) , perhaps 50 feet from where I was , and he was talking about having lost the next door property . Now , I knew this was a likelihood . About two months ago he started telling me that he was having a hard time making the payments . Then on the first of July , he confessed he was $ 8 , 000 behind on the mortgage , and they wanted it that day . He was able to buy some extra time - but it seems not enough time , as I overheard him today telling someone over the phone that the place had already been auctioned off and he was supposed to be out in 60 days . He was trying to work out what that meant for his renter - I think he 's trying to use her lease on the front half of the property to keep using the back half ( the pasture ) for himself . This is a concern in some ways because the pasture on the back half of the next door property is the " back pasture " where I like to ride Panama . It 's less cluttered than the front pasture , and I can shut out the other horses . I don 't want to ride in the same pasture with several loose horses , especially when one of those is a cranky alpha . However , since I 've started getting Panama out into the field and onto the trail , perhaps losing the back pasture won 't be an issue . There is also a horse park with a nice riding arena about four blocks away , which we could use for lessons - if I can get Panama comfortable with going there . Most of it is on neighborhood streets , but I 'm not sure how well he 'll take that . It 's a big difference from riding in a field with the road twenty feet away ! Also , we would have to cross posted by Katharine Swan @ 9 : 55 PM I had another session with my trainer today . We 're doing two this week , since I missed last week due to all the excitement with Charlie . It was my idea - I felt bad about cancelling , and in any case I didn 't want to get behind . I 'm enjoying taking lessons again , and I feel like it is really helping with my riding skills . I was meaning to canter today to make up for chickening out last time , but my trainer immediately started asking for a two - point . This is something I haven 't practiced much , so I think what must have happened is that she had other plans , saw my two - point needed work , and that 's what the rest of our session ended up being . It 's been a while since I 've really practiced the two - point - since last summer , actually - but I was happy to find that my legs have gotten much stronger in the meantime . Still , it was difficult , as it requires the use of some muscles that don 't seem to get used during posting practice . Panama was an angel the entire time . He knows I prefer a slower trot ( less bouncy that way ) , and kept to a constant speed the entire time while I worked on improving my balance . When he does that kind of thing - gives me exactly what I need in order to work on myself - I feel like he is really taking care of me . What a good feeling ! I was going to take the day off of riding tomorrow , but given that I have something new to practice , I think I might ride again after all . I think a little practice in the pasture , followed by a bit more practice on the trail , sounds perfect , don 't you ? Labels : horseback riding lessons I was supposed to have a horseback riding lesson today , but my trainer accidentally double booked herself and asked to reschedule my session . Since I 'd already planned on being at the barn this morning , though , I decided to go anyway and just ride . I started out riding in the pasture , but Panama was quickly getting bored . I decided to ride him in the field , which I haven 't done for a couple of weeks . Since he has been doing really well riding away from home alone , I took him all the way across the field to where we pick up the trail . We watched a few bikes go by without him even flinching - in fact he seemed only mildly interested . Apparently he remembers them from the trails near our old barn ! In order to get to the trail , you have to go up a little incline , perhaps about six feet high . It 's not a bad slope , but once I verified Panama was still okay with bikes , I decided to practice going up and down . I had discovered last time I rode him in the field that he seems to have forgotten how to go down a hill without trotting , so I thought this was a good opportunity to practice . Panama apparently had other ideas . He was trotting down it pretty consistently , and perhaps the third or fourth time he decided he 'd had enough . I 'm pretty sure what I felt was him bucking , and not an awkward attempt to canter . I felt myself going up into the air - still in the saddle , thank heavens , though when we came back down I was sitting on the pommel instead of back in the seat . A commenter on one of Nuzzling Muzzles 's recent posts ( also about a near - accident ) said , " Don 't get scared , get mad . " I thought of this comment almost immediately after the experience , because I kept my wits about me enough to let him know while it was happening that I was none too pleased about it . As I was going up in the air , I let out a great big growl : " Rrrraaaaaaggghhh Panama CUT IT OUT ! " I think it 's funny because I didn 't even know at the time what exactly he was doing , but I knew it was a Bad Thing . Once we landed I pulled him back down to a walk and mposted by Katharine Swan @ 6 : 42 PM Yesterday was the first time in a while that Michael has accompanied me to the barn . Last week was simply crazy , and the two weeks before that , he was working his butt off to finish two summer classes . I 've been wanting him to take some video of me riding for a while now , so with a little sweet - talking I convinced him it was high time he came out to the barn with me again . Unfortunately , I was a bit dizzy when we got out there , so I didn 't practice much - but we did get a little footage of me posting . I 'd only made a few laps around the back pasture when the alpha gelding and Panama 's girlfriend demonstrated that they 'd learned how to open the gate if you didn 't latch it firmly enough . Next thing I knew , Panama and I were dodging a little butt - biting , compliments of the mare . Luckily my horse knows his job well enough that he didn 't try to kick out at her or even run away . At first I was going to try to ride with them in the pasture , but the butt - biting attempt changed my mind . Michael started trying ( rather ineffectively ) to get the mare moving back toward the gate , and I decided to put Panama to work helping . We followed along behind the mare and I clucked to her to keep her moving . At first Panama was a bit confused as to whether I was clucking to her or him , but I was proud of him - he got it figured out pretty quickly . Once we got the mare through the gate , Panama and I went back for the alpha . He was easier , because he doesn 't like being alone so his instinct was to follow the mare anyway . Michael shut the gate behind them and Panama and I went back to posting practice . I have to admit I don 't know the first thing about herding from horseback , but I thought Panama did very nicely . I wonder what he thought about bossing them around for once ! Labels : horseback riding With Charlie gone , our lives are comfortingly normal again - and although we miss him , it 's also nice to be able to leave the house , walk our dogs , and go out to the barn again . Although we had a busy day ahead of us , I made sure I got out to the barn today ( Saturday ) around late morning after we walked the dogs . It was the first time I 'd been out there in 10 days - between my sister getting married last weekend , Michael taking Monday off , and finding Charlie on Wednesday , I hadn 't been able to do any of my normal activities ( including , unfortunately , working ) in a week and a half . I only had time to ride for about fifteen minutes , but we made it a good one . Panama was quite well behaved , as I often find he is when I haven 't ridden for a while . In addition , I felt like I was better able to feel what my body was doing , perhaps also because I hadn 't ridden in a while . It was an odd , but refreshing , sensation . I started out with some practice on whoa , which I really need to practice more but usually forget until late in our ride . As a result , I discovered something that I consider very important : Panama stops quite well if we haven 't already been riding for a while . We also practiced both slower and faster trots , and slowing to a walk , while I worked on breathing and holding in my mind the rhythm I wanted in order to control Panama 's gait and pace a bit better . It seems to work , if not all the time , at least a lot better than having no plan and yanking on the reins . While it wasn 't a very long ride , it was extremely refreshing to squeeze in some horse time with what little availability I had today . I feel like my life is back to normal , and it 's a good feeling ! Labels : horseback riding This is the last clear picture I got of Charlie , the stray lab puppy Michael found Wednesday morning . I took it yesterday evening with my cell phone , while we were on the way to pick Michael up from work . Charlie had ridden about half the trip in the backseat before deciding to ride in the front seat like a person . At the time I knew I was leaning toward taking him to the shelter , and I actually wondered if it would be the last picture I 'd take of him . But what really made up our minds for us was when Charlie pushed right through the baby gate yesterday evening and followed us down into the basement , where he proceded to chase the cats . This has been the cats ' domain since we moved into the house three and a half years ago - Emma was always too scared of the stairs to try going down them , and it was pretty easy to discourage Grace from trying it when we got her . ( She has a bad hip and it probably would be too difficult for her at this point anyway . ) We have two cats , which have been with me since long before I met Michael . Prince , my all - white , odd - eyed ( one blue eye , one gold ) cat is deaf . He 's pretty adaptable and has learned to live with , and I think even like , the dogs . Cleo , on the other hand , nearly died of feline hepatic lipidosis ( where the cat stops eating and the liver fails as a result ) when Michael and Emma first moved in with us . When we added Grace to the family , she managed a little better , primarily because by then she had a basement all to herself . But she was really upset when Charlie invaded her space - six hours after we took him to the shelter , she still keeps looking over her shoulder and won 't come upstairs . Don 't get me wrong . We 're not quitters . We loved Charlie and would have kept him , even with all the other work he required . That much training is admittedly intimidating , but it wouldn 't have stopped me from keeping him . But I can 't risk the life of my cat , who has been with me for eight years now , because of a cute puppy face . So our decision ended up nearly making itself . Perhaps for thposted by Katharine Swan @ 5 : 55 PM Have you ever met an animal that just seems determined to worm its way into your life ? That 's kind of how Charlie is turning out to be . I went with my mom today to take him to the shelter , and I just couldn 't do it . I broke down and started crying , and they said they 'd hold the spot for another day to give us a little longer to think about it . The advantage of this way is , even if we still decide to give him up , Michael will be able to go with me tomorrow , so I 'll have a little support when I get emotional . In the meantime , friends and family have been offering a lot of opinions as to what his breeding could be . He looks quite lab - like in the face at times , but not all the time . And his lean torso and long legs have led several people to suggest that maybe he 's a lab / greyhound mix . The changes in Charlie 's personality over the last 36 hours are fascinating to watch . He seemed to fit in with our other two dogs right from the beginning , but now he is starting to try to play with Emma . He doesn 't really know how , but he 's trying . He 's also learning . Already he 's understanding simple commands like down , back , go lie down , no , and even sit . ( For some reason sit took the longest . ) He has also figured out cute little things , such as pushing his nose into my hand when he wants attention . He 's really responsive to praise - he absolutely eats it up - and although he is still a bit unsure of people at times , he is learning to trust . He is fascinated by our cats , but not aggressive with them . He chases them if they run away , but when I held the male cat for him ( the one that 's better with dogs ) he sniffed him , licked his foot , and was really gentle . I think with some training he would stop trying to chase them . Unfortunately , he 's still a flight risk . When you go outside with him it 's like he turns into a different dog . We have to take him out on a leash , even in the backyard , because he can cross the yard and scale the fence before you 're even out the door all the way . And every once in a while , he pitches a fit about going bposted by Katharine Swan @ 3 : 29 PM My day has been completely monopolized by just one thing : doing the right thing by a stray dog my husband found this morning . Michael was walking Grace , our white shepherd , at a local park when this young yellow lab mix ran up to them . He seemed friendly and walked with them for a few minutes , then ran up to the next person he saw with a dog . He and the woman realized the dog was stray , and decided to catch him . In the end , it took four people to catch him - despite being friendly , he was a bit skittish , probably because he was scared . Of course , he is young - perhaps a year - and intact . Probably he 's experiencing his first real rush of hormones and ran off to look for a good lay . He 's also skinny - not starved , but his ribs and hip bones stick out more than they should - and almost completely untrained . Yet he has clipped nails . His owners went to the trouble to clip his nails , but they can 't feed , train , or neuter him ? This stinks to me of white trash . . . So my day has been spent trying to decide what to do with this dog , whom I 've been calling Charlie . ( He already answers to it , too - he is ridiculously smart ! ) I started out thinking that maybe we could keep him , but quickly realized he is probably too much dog for our already - full household . Primarily this is because he is an escape artist , and quite adept at scaling our chain - link fence . I had to chase him down and bring him back three times this morning before I learned I had to keep him inside - no exceptions ! He also figured out how to open the storm door on our back door within 10 minutes of being inside the house , so I 've had to be careful about that too . The law in Denver dictates that all dogs and cats must be neutered unless the owners have a breeding license . Even if it weren 't for that , though , one of my biggest issues has been the thought of giving him back to his owner still intact . It 's against my morals . So I was really hoping we wouldn 't be able to find his owners , but I wasn 't sure what to do with him if my wish came true ( which , soposted by Katharine Swan @ 7 : 33 PM I 've been ridiculously busy for the last six days , and am ashamed to say I haven 't made it out to the barn since my trainer came last Wednesday . Thankfully , my trainer had to reschedule this week 's lesson , so I will have a chance to ride tomorrow . I don 't like going all week without practicing between lessons ! Here 's my week since my last lesson : Thursday - Spending time with my mom , primarily shopping for the stuff to finish a wedding present for my sister and for shoes to wear to the weddingFriday - Finishing my sister 's wedding present and the rehearsal dinnerSaturday - Babysitting all day , then the wedding in the eveningSunday - Relaxing and spending some time on my other hobby , collecting and fixing vintage dollsMonday - Relaxing , ice cream with my mom , and babysittingTuesday - Spending time with my mom ( who is on vacation this week to recover from the wedding ) and getting back to workI wasn 't in the wedding , but even so ( or perhaps because of it ) I found the weekend emotionally draining . So much so that even the last couple of days , when I technically could have made time for a ride , I haven 't felt like doing anything that requires that much effort . I feel intensely guilty , and also like I 've deprived myself of something I know I would have enjoyed once I got out there , but I couldn 't have helped how I felt . That 's okay - I 'll make up for it tomorrow . More later ! Labels : admin |
I spent the afternoon with Kathy and her family at her parents ' house . Her mom is a really good cook . I did control myself and not go crazy . I made sure I ate more veggies than anything else . I also had some spare ribs . Kathy 's mom makes them and they taste amazingly awesome . Trust me on this . Not much extra pain today like yesterday , just the usual amount of pain . I just ached so much yesterday . It is so nice to live with people who understand about this . Neither Heather nor Bill ever say anything about what time I get up or how much I try to sleep or when I nap for a long time , like yesterday . I slept for about 3 1 / 2 hours in the afternoon . I did have a bad headache this morning , but by the time I actually got out of bed it was back to the normal headache so that was good . It just is annoying that it is bad in the morning because that means I miss church a lot and I mean a lot . I have pretty much given up on being about to be there on a regular basis . I usually missed at least 1 time during the month before but now , I miss all of it . Easter is such a beautiful season in that it causes me to reflect on things a lot . It makes me think of what sacrifices my mom made when we were young to the biggest sacrifice of all , Jesus on the Cross . It boggles my mind that God loves us so much that He allowed Jesus to be whipped , tortured , and then hung on a cross to die for our sins . I mean , you hear people say that they would die for people in movies and in books , but He really did . Jesus DID die for us . Although I am not Catholic , I do like the idea of giving up something during lent . I have before . I didn 't this year because I didn 't realize it was lent until it was about 1 / 3 over . Yes , I didn 't know that Easter was early this year . Perhaps I should pay more attention to these details . Maisy and I had a good snuggle when I came home . She is sitting behind me right now waiting for Heather to get home . She was happy to see me but she will be even happier to see her momma , Heather . Maisy is such a joy to hang out with . She has this really cute habit of taking her paw and putting it on you if you stop paying attention to her . It really is adorable . She is one happy girl . I would say overall the kids and the dogs have adjusted rather well to the move . Acer and Calli are both full of life and really bring sunshine and joy to my life . Life here in the house is never boring with the kids and the dogs around . Calli 's dog , Q , of course , goes everywhere with Calli so he is with Calli at her grandparents house . I wish I had more time with Kathy today but I will take anytime I can with her . She is very busy and lives a couple of hours away from here . Well , I am going to watch a bit of TV before reading and heading for bed . I have a busy morning tomorrow . ( okay - stop laughing , I did say morning ! ) I have Physical Therapy at 10 : 30 am before I go to the Muglia 's for the piano lessons with Sarah and Patrick . Bob will have his lesson at 3 . Isaac and Rachel are absent . I am not sure when Rahul or Sam will be having their lessons . Often their mom wants it a bit earlier than they are scheduled for . Natalie is having a make up lesson tomorrow because she was sick on Friday . That is if she is better . If not , then I won 't see her until Friday at her regularly scheduled lesson . Sammy and Gabby are coming over to put music away this week . I am very excited about this job . It has been so long since I have had all my music put away and not all over the house . I will then know what I have again . It will be easier to find music again too . Right now , if it isn 't in the cabinet , then i have no idea where it is . Most students have copies of music unless it is their own music . The Muglia girls do have some of my original music but they do take good care of the music so I don 't mind loaning the music to them . I am excited to be getting the music room in order . Every week the students see a new part put together . I have to get the legal size hanging folders from downstairs because a few of them have ripped and I can 't use them anymore . I will post pictures this week . It is really an exciting event in the house for me . I think all the small changes are good ones . I like the pictures we have put up and the rearranging of the furniture too . Tomorrow I get to see Kathy ! ! ! ! ! ! I can 't wait ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It will be a lot of fun . I have all the Easter Treats for everyone . I gave Acer and Calli their coupon books . I must add a couple more coupons though because he asked about ice cream so I will add that today . He also wants to help sticker them . He and Calli both like to help with things . Calli is cleaning out the van today . She is emptying it out of all of Acer 's toys too . He is in the middle of putting them away . By the way , for all the worry that some people had about how quiet or loud the kids would be while I have lessons , they are quiet and do not come in the room when I am teaching . So really , there was no need for worry . I wasn 't worried at all because I knew they would be playing or doing something in other parts of the house . Nina didn 't have her lesson today . I didn 't know she wasn 't coming so I called her dad . They didn 't think we had lessons because tomorrow is a holiday . They were at church this morning . My next student , Sally , should be here any minute now . She has a lovely voice . We are working on a song out of the 24 Italian arias and art songs and also a song by Handel . I took a 3 1 / 2 hour nap this afternoon . I was so tired and my headache was just not good . I am done teaching with the day . I am still very tired . Acer is in bed already and Calli is heading there . Bill is rather tired too . The kids went down the street to a subdivision Easter Egg Hunt . They met several of our neighbors . Our across the street neighbor introduced himself to Bill and Heather . The kids had hot chocolate and received some candy . Both Acer and Calli said they had a good time . I was glad about that . While they were gone , Maisy and I had to get me some caffeine . I needed some diet coke so she and I went to get some . I expected to be back before the kids but i wasn 't . I wasn 't sure if Bill or Heather had their keys with them so I left the front door unlocked since they were just down the street . I am really glad that they had a good time and met a few of the kids in the neighborhood . Most of the kids are pretty friendly . Faith and her sister , Courtney were among the ones who knew who they were from the recitals since Faith is my student . Both she and Courtney are very nice girls . It has been a tiring day and I do seem to ache more but inside of me , it hasn 't been too bad . You know what I mean ? The outside can be so tiring and exhausted but the inside can run marathons at times . That was today . Tomorrow will be the 3rd Easter I have had without Momma . I wonder if I will always count how many holidays or birthdays it will be since I lost Momma ? I am sure that she is watching me and with me . I think about her a lot , like everyday . I probably will forever but that is okay . She is my mom and I do miss her . Sometimes I miss her terribly and I still cry but other times I don 't . I can think of some of the silly things we did together . I also think about how she was very upset when I started getting sick and no one knew what was wrong with me . The first time I had a headache for 6 months straight , she was worried . We went to doctor after doctor until we couldn 't go to anymore . Finally , she said we will work on this ourselves and we did . Eventually , the bad 6 month headache went away and it only popped up now and again until I had the vasculitis . Then it never went away . Slowly , it seems it is getting better . The bad headache seems to be bad in the morning and late at night but not during the day , most of the time . I also have noticed that my anxiety is not as bad as it was . I think that having Heather and family here has helped . Either that or I have really , really good meds . Mom is 79 today . I think she is probably having a big celebration up in Heaven . It hasn 't been a horrible day for me , just a slightly bad day . I miss her so much . I always will . I speak to her at times too . Sometimes , I can even still feel her here with me . I am thankful that I got to spend so much time with her . I shudder to think how sometimes it drove me crazy that she wanted to be with me all the time . Now I am grateful . I just wish I appreciated her more when I was younger . I remember when I was about 25 or 26 I asked Mom if I could speak with her . We had a very , very , very long conversation . I also apologized for my behavior as a teenager and when I was in college . She apologized for some of the mistakes she made with me . Momma also explained some of the reasons she did what she did . How she was afraid every single time I walked out the door that I would start using drugs . Both of my brothers used drugs as teens , so that is why she was so afraid for me . When I was in high school she would wait until the last minute to tell me I had a job to do before I went out . I would get so angry . I later learned she did it on purpose to see if I would change my mind and stay home . It didn 't work . It made me want to go out even more . I never did try drugs . I also do not drink . The most I have ever had was about an inch of a wine cooler . I can 't get past the smell of the alcohol to try something else . I have been that way since I was a child . I don 't expect I will ever change . I am still afraid , at times , of people when they drink too much . I am getting much better with that . It doesn 't bother me at all when Kathy and her family have wine at dinner because they don 't drink too much . I can 't wait to see Kathy . It seems so weird ( in a good way ) to be able to say that I have known her for about 42 years now . I was afraid of today because I was so sad last year and the year before . I am starting to finally feel okay about missing mom . Sometimes it hurts worse than others and sometimes I am okay . I have started to feel like meI went and got the Easter gifts today . I got a stuffed bunny and a coloring book for each of Kathy 's girls and for her boys , I got them each a itunes card . I am making coupons for Acer and Calli for Easter . I got stickers for the coupons . I also saw a Curious George book for about $ 10 . It had 8 stories in it . I have already read 2 to Acer . Calli was listening too . Heather and family went to go and listen to some music tonight at a coffee shop . I am sure they are all having a good time . Both kids took a rest this afternoon so they could stay out late tonight . My headache was too bad to go to choir tonight . I had hoped to be able to go , but I couldn 't . We will see what happens on Sunday . Last night Bill put the breakfast nook together . It is in the family room . I will be able to use it for sewing . I am hoping that Star and I will start sewing together . I still have trouble sewing by myself . I am glad I know how to so . I have made some really nice clothes . I want to start sewing again . I am going to teach Calli how to sew this summer . She is just so busy with school and studying as well as her activities that she doesn 't have time . Summer will be here soon enough . Calli and Acer will be very busy in the summer too with all the camps they go to . There are so many things that the Lions Club do for the visually impaired . I donate when the have the fundraising people in the intersections . I am a bit more achy tonight than usual . My knees have been rather achy a lot lately . I am hoping that with the warmer weather coming I will not have such achy knees . I do have a medium bad headache tonight so I didn 't go to choir . I have missed so much church and choir practice . Tomorrow I have Physical Therapy and then a few lessons . Acer will have his and I also have a new little one starting tomorrow . I have all his books so that is good . The one I had to order just came in yesterday so I went and picked it up this afternoon . I also have Ellie 's new Hymn Book . I need to email her mom and let her know how much they were . I will do the same for Ryan . The music room is shaping up nicely . The three filing cabinets are in the room now . I just have to work on adding the song lists to the 38 books that do not have that information . I also need to work on finishing up the CD project . Sammy and Gabby will be coming to put away all the music that is all over the house , or so it seems . I have several piles in the family fun room and several piles in the dining room not to mention the piles that are in the music room . I look forward to this being done . Then we can work on the Little Man 's room and the family room . The dining room will clear out as the other rooms do . All in all , things are progressing well . I had to have another protime test today . I will have to have another next week as my blood is not being cooperative . I must miss my dose tomorrow and then lower another dosage for one more day so that on 2 days I will have one dose and the other 5 will be a different dose . I hope this really helps because , well , I really want my blood to be where it should be . I did hear from the doctor at the study . I tried to call her back but she wasn 't in today . I will try again tomorrow . I am not sure outside of she wants to talk about my medicines what she will tell me but that is okay . I have been rather stiff these last few weeks for some reason . It is probably the changing of the weather , but I am very stiff at night these days . My headaches seem to be improving a bit . There are still bad in the morning but not so bad at night this week . I am hoping that is a sign that this new medicine will work for me . Two chances I suppose as my mom used to say . Either it will or it won 't . I am voting for the will . The hematoma on my calf is still there . It has been there for about 3 months now . It is still really red and swollen . It doesn 't hurt unless I have been driving for a while or sitting in a different chair than what I usually sit in for a while . It really hurt the other day when I was driving home . I hope it goes away soon . It feels rather strange to feel a hard lump on my leg . Fortunately , it hasn 't gotten any bigger or redder or more sore because that could be a sign of it turning into a blood clot . Something I really , really , really , really don 't want to have again . I am counting down the days until I get to see Kathy ! 4 more days until Easter Sunday and then I shall be with her and her family at her parents house . Her parents are really nice and her mother cooks so good . Believe me when I say , no one can leave the table hungry at Kathy 's parents ' house . If they do , it is their own fault . I almost have everything I need for Easter . The students are getting their pencils and I have things in mind for Kathy 's kids . I just need to get something for the two young people who live here . I will be asking Heather for suggestions . It still seems weird to call someone else my name in my house but hey , at least I will never forget her name ! I plan to get my medicine and the Easter stuff on Thursday . I have 2 refills at the Pharmacy right now . I will have a few more students than I thought next week during Spring Break . I like that kind of a surprise . I have a few who are going to be out of town , but several will be home and coming for their lesson . I am so lucky that I am able to teach the few lessons I can . It keeps my mind off the pain but also it keeps the fog from getting worse . There are days when it is really bad and I have to cancel lessons on those days . Sometimes the pain is that bad and I can 't think or do anything other than rest . Yesterday was Palm Sunday , the start of Holy week . I just put out our Easter decorations on the piano . They look so pretty . It has been a rather productive day around here . We put some things in for donation , some things for recycle , and some things for the garbage . 3 filing cabinets full of music came up . I now can have the girls come and put the music that is all over the house away . I have about 38 or so books that I need to catalogue the songs into the catalogue . I also need to check the piano catalogue too . I am sure there are many books that are not completely catalogued either . I was not taking good care of it when Mom became sicker with the Alzheimer 's and could not keep up with it herself . Now I am back on track with being able to get to the filing cabinets so I can be caught up soon . I no longer have an excuse . I can get the job done . I see Sammy tomorrow so I can plan a day for her next week . I saw Jewel in concert last night . It was really good . I really enjoyed it . My Aunt Michelle won the tickets so I went with her . I had help with getting the scooter out of the car but I had to do most of it when I was putting it back into the car . The security guard was not a happy camper when I asked him to help . After the concert , Michelle came back and picked up the things she ordered . I have had a medium bad headache all day today . I did receive a message from the Doctor in charge of the study . I will call tomorrow and see what she has to say . It was something about medicine . There are a few medicines that I actually cannot live without , the blood thinner for one and the reglan , which digests my food , is the other . I don 't think the synthroid for my thyroid would be an issue , but one never knows . I will find out tomorrow . Well , I am falling asleep here so it is time for me to head to bed . I am very tired . It has been a rather long day and I have a blood test at 11 : 20 tomorrow morning . It has been a some what busy day around here . First up were a couple of lessons , Nina and Sally ( a new student ) . Nina is a pianist . She chose her spring concert piece today . Sally is a vocalist and we worked on a piece she wants to perform at her church . It is from the Messiah by Handel . She worked pretty hard on it this afternoon . When I finished the two lessons , I had to take a nap . I was so exhausted . I think I slept for about an hour . I picked up Ellie 's and Ryan 's books for them . I did buy a neckstrap for a saxophone , but it was the wrong size . I need one for the Baritone Sax . I am going to call my friend , Dan and order one . I will drive out there and pick it up . It isn 't too far away , about 45 or so minutes so that isn 't bad . I worked on updating my vocal music catalogue this afternoon / evening too . I have discovered about 38 books that do not have the songs that are in the books listed . This is not a good thing as when I am looking for a particular song , I will not be able to find it . Once the filing cabinets are moved , then I will have the two young ladies , Sammy and Gabby , come and put all the music away . Then I will put the songs in from the books . I also am still working on the changing of the cases for the CDs that I use for teaching . I have one drawer completely finished . I have 2 more drawers to do and the box with the original CDs , then I will be done . The makeover for the music room is coming along nicely . I have a few more pictures up and some have been moved to other places . The puppies and horse pictures that used to be in the upper hallway are going to be donated . I have taken pictures of them to remember them by . That is all I needed to do . I have the cool Music picture on the wall where the baby pictures use to be and the Friendship picture I got from Julie is also in the living room ( which is now the music room ) . For some strange reason , my chin bone hurts . I don 't know why , it just does . I also have a bigger headache than usual but since we had the little accident with the scented water , I am not surprised . Calli accidentally dropped the bottle that had the scented water in it on the carpet in front of her room . We opened the dining room window , her bedroom window , and the furnace room window too . She was rather upset but it was an accident . Calli also made sure she washed her hands really good after cleaning up the mess and she changed her jeans because a small amount got on her . She and I worked on her math with the abacus today . Calli is doing rather well at it and so is Acer . I helped him the other day . Acer tried to teach me how to use it but it so went over my head . Maybe another time he can show me . I think my thinking skills were gone that day . I feel that we are all adjusting to the new living situation rather well . I am happier and Heather has even noticed it . She is right , I am happier . I don 't feel as stressed out as I did . I was starting to feel a crash and burn coming on and I think with the move in , it went away . I don 't know if I will crash and burn , but should I , Heather and Bill are in the same house so if I need to go to the hospital , they are there and also , it won 't be such a devastating effect on my bills if I miss for a few days . So over all , I am feeling less stressed . I still ache constantly , but the stress level is down . I think Heather 's stress level is down too , same with Bill . I also think it is really cool that on the days I teach later , someone leaves me a plate with food on it . I like that . I am on kitchen patrol while Heather is on laundry patrol . This is actually so much better because I seriously hate to do my laundry . I don 't know why , I just do . I would rather wash every dish by hand than do a load of laundry . So my job is to keep up with the dishes . Calli helped me tonight . I washed the pots and lids and Calli dried then I put them away . She also expertly wiped out all of the chili macaroni and cheese bowls . That is a big help . With the septic tank , we have to be careful what goes down the sink drains . She is very good about wiping her plate and bowls . Calli also swiffered the kitchen tonight as well as vacuumed both sets of stairs and the hallway . It is one of her weekend duties because her guide dog sheds more than the other little dog Heather has . I took a few pictures of Maisy tonight . She is such a beautiful dog . Q is really beautiful too . He is a black lab . He coat is so shiny and soft . Calli works pretty well with him . She has several days a week where she has specific things to do with her dog but she is doing good . Since Q is with Calli all the time , he doesn 't hang around like Maisy does . I will try to get a picture of Calli and Q to post . I did not wear anything green today . I usually don 't . My reasoning is , of course , I am Irish so I don 't have to wear green or orange ( because I am a protestant ) . Both sides of my family goes back to Ireland . The Paxtons were seafaring people and the McAgys were tailors . Saying that the Paxtons were seafaring people makes me wonder how many of them were pirates , although , in fantasy or myths , pirates are not such bad people but in reality , they are horrible and still are . They killed innocent people , stole , lied , cheated , and committed many sins so I am not sure why people ( including me ) create them in our mind to be something they are not . Anyways , it has been a quiet St . Patrick 's Day . I attended a Michigan Music Association meeting today . It was good . It was mainly a wrap up meeting for the competition that was in February . My students and I had a good weekend . There were a few things that came up that we need to discuss more but overall , I think everyone thought things went well . I am on the board of directors , which I am glad about . I don 't mind not being on the executive board as long as I am still on the board of directors . I like helping out before the actual competition rather than do a whole lot at the competition . One of the main jobs I have at the competition is checking that the trophies match the student as well as the category and place . We did really well this year because no one received the wrong trophy so that was good . Today is also Calli 's birthday . She is now 13 . This of course means , we have an official teenager in the house . She is a sweet young lady who was very excited to turn 13 . Right now she is out with her grandparents , parents , brother , and a friend for dinner while Maisy and I hold down the fort here at home . Maisy and I had some nice snuggle time together on the chair in the music room . Right now the lovely Maisy is lying down next to me here in the dining room . She is so lovable . In the next few weeks I am going to be collecting all of my mom 's jewelry to give to people . I am not sure what everyone wants , if any . I am going to keep her pearls as well as the necklace that is now mine . I need to get into the safe deposit box . I need to find out how much it costs to have the lock drilled out since I cannot find the key and I don 't think there is any hope in finding it . Anyways , I want it done by around Easter . It has been a bad headache day , not bad enough for the alsuma , but bad enough to miss choir . I have been thinking about the study that is coming up all day long . I am almost afraid to try this . I do hope I am a part of the study , but on the other hand , I have been disappointed so often that to try something new again , is frightening . I am hoping that I am not in the placebo group . It is a 12 week study . Robin is also being interviewed on Tuesday for this . Mine is Wednesday before Physical Therapy . I will go from the interview straight to Physical Therapy . It is exciting and frightening all at the same time . I cannot remember a time where I didn 't have a headache or body aches or extreme fatigue and everything else that comes with fibro . It is almost unreal to think that maybe I won 't be in so much pain someday . I dream about that day . What will I do ? What will I be able to do ? How long will the effect of the treatment last ? Would I be able to teach full time again ? Or maybe , get a different job and keep the amount of students that I have now ? I don 't know . I have only thought about trying different medications to see if it works . Now this is non - invasive and non - medication so how cool is that ? Could this be a cure ? Is there a cure ? Does this just lessen the symptoms or can it totally erase all of the symptoms ? Fibro is so much more than just the pain . I have more trouble with headaches and fatigue than I do with the body aches , although I do have them , they are just not as strong as my headaches and the fatigue . I know that pain is the biggest symptom that we all share and the others are different because each of us are different . I can 't even imagine a life without pain anymore and I have a good imagination . After my interview I will be speaking with Robin to see what she thinks too . We both are very hopeful . I think many of us at the conference are hopeful with the results of the preliminary studies . My 2 little boys didn 't come for lessons today . As I suspected , their mom forgot about the changing of the days . She graciously switched days so I could attend the conference Monday night . Their mom will call if they can attend lessons tomorrow . It all depends on what time their dad will be done with work . If they can 't , I will see them on Monday . They are very cute , super cute . Tomorrow is a light day for lessons as usual . That is how Fridays are . Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the busiest days right now , but that can change in a second . I have to be careful of how many lessons I have a day because if I have too many in a row , I can get so exhausted so fast that I need to go and lie down right then and there . Generally , I pace myself pretty well . Just think , if this treatment actually works , I may not have to worry about the strict pacing that I do now . Hmm , that is a good thought . Acer has his lesson tomorrow after school . Natalie will have her lesson tomorrow too . I have ordered the CDs to the Broadway Book that both Natalie and Allison are singing from . I know I have the song that in another book so I should have it on another CD while I am waiting for the other CDs to be coming in . Saturday will be a light day too . I have a wrap up meeting for the competition on Sunday . I hope it is a good one . I am planning to be there . It will be at Diane 's this time . Maisy is too cute ! She couldn 't decide on whether or not she was going to eat or go outside . She is such a beautiful little dog . Maisy chose to eat . Isaac has misplaced his CDs for his voice lessons so I need to make some copies for the young man . He had a sore side today . He and another student ran into each other hard when they were at school . He couldn 't lift his arm up very well so we ended up singing the entire lesson , which was not a bad thing . Isaac sings really well . I am not sure what he will sing for the spring concert . I do know he will be playing " Who Am I " from Les Miserables . I think there will much representation of Les Miz at the concert since the movie came out at Christmas and the DVD will be coming out on March 22 . I , of course , plan to get it . In just one week it will be out ! ! ! ! I can 't wait to see it again ! I will definitely have to see this with the girls and Star again ! I also have to see the " How to Train Your Dragon " movie that Natalie has wanted me to see forever . I want to see it too . We are planning to have another movie day soon . I will check the girls schedule for the next few weeks to see when they are available . I am watching Project Runway . For some reason , I just love this show . Right now , the designers are ripping on each other . They were to make 3 outfits each for the Thunder Down Under strip team . Both teams were so bad . Clothes didn 't fit or didn 't come off easy . Basically , they were not as good as they usually are . None of one of the teams knew how to make tailored clothes . I do not either . Mom was the one who could tailor clothes . Her suits were amazing . The fits were just perfect , always . Mom did teach me how to sew . I am much better at dresses and skirts . Most of the stuff I have made is not super fancy with lots of details . I tend to like the more classical , elegant , simple styles best . That is me . I am hoping that when I lose some weight , I will make myself some nice skirts and dresses again . I also love wearing leggings . I am so glad they are back into style since I do love them so much . I am also planning to teach Calli a bit of sewing too . I have some ideas of how to adapt things for her . I also like the idea of Star 's where we make a sewing group . I think when she is finished with a few of these plays we will be able to do that . I would love to take a sewing class at one of the local stores . The one I would like is the fashion design class . There are a few things I don 't know how to make . Wow , a Project Runway first , there is no winner . That has never happened before . Amanda is out . Last week was a surprise because it was double out . Some of the clothing they make on the show does make to the pattern catalogues at the fabric stores . I have seen some of them . This particular challenge was not good for any of them . Next week should be rather interesting too . Well , it is time to read for now before bed . I wish my head wouldn 't hurt so much . I have Physical Therapy tomorrow morning at 10 : 30 . I am going to put my bagels in a bag so I remember to grab them and eat them on the way . Otherwise , I won 't be eating breakfast at all . i can nap in the afternoon if I need to . Well , now the real work has begun , finding a place for everything . Yes , that will be the fun thing . Combining 2 households into one is a challenge but it is one we can meet . I figure it will take a few months to get everything settled . I have about 5 boxes and 1 bag that needs to be shredded too . Heather started a box ladies group on facebook . I , of course , am a member . The idea is for us to go through our boxes and get rid of what we don 't need and donate what can be donated . I did my box for the week already . Heather and I went through a box on Sunday so it is ready to be donated to the thrift store . I had a new student this afternoon . She is very excited about starting lessons . I am glad about that . She did very well . Her name is Megan and I met with her on Saturday . Nick also started his voice lessons this evening . He really liked " Any Dream Will Do " a lot . I am glad because I really like that song too . He did very well with the Italian Song too . I have had this particular headache for about 4 days now . It is kind of weird because it is in my face but also on top of my head . I tried some sinus medicine but that didn 't work at all so I am back to my usual medicine . It isn 't bad enough to use the alsuma shot , but if it doesn 't improve by tomorrow , I may have to use the breakthrough medicine . Just once , I would like to not have a bad headache for days in a row . I am hopeful that this will happen some day in the future . Well , I think I am going to read for a bit . Tomorrow is a Physical Therapy day . I have a few lessons afterwards . Aubrey will be getting her new books tomorrow . I am so excited about this . She is excited about it too . Her lesson is the last one of the evening so I have a bit to wait after PT to see her . I didn 't have any lessons today , which was a good thing since I have had a pretty bad headache since yesterday . At one point I thought I was going to have to have a pain shot , but I am holding off as it is not as bad as it was . I also ran several errands today . I got some of the books that Rachel and Faith will need , all of Brooklynn 's , and all of Aubrey 's books . Aubrey is a very gifted student . She has finished the levels that I use of the Alfred books so she is now going to the Keith Snell books . I am so excited for her about this . It will be wonderful . She and her sisters are such delights . It is hard to gage how far Aubrey could go because I have never really had a student quite like her since Melissa years ago and when she got to the same point as Aubrey , she was 14 so it wasn 't quite the same thing . Also , I was much more insecure with my piano teaching at the time so when she got to that point , I stopped teaching her . Now , I am much more confident . I know what I can and cannot teach . It is so fun to teach Aubrey and the others . Aubrey is excited about how she will pick her songs , as soon as I find the CD or get a new one . I need to find the copies that Mom made because she gets one . How she picks her songs is that she listens to the CDs and tells me which ones she wants to do next . There is a new thing to learn in every song . I love these books and boy am I glad someone years ago told me about them . Also , she will be able to play some fun stuff too . All in all , she is in a great place piano - wise . Maisy and I had a quiet afternoon . We went for a small drive and she seems to really like drives . We also took a nap too . My head was so bad that I had to lay down for a while . Maisy can now jump up on my bed . I think I slept for about an hour or so . It didn 't really help the headache too much though . I am hoping tomorrow it is better . I will probably go to bed a bit earlier than usual because of the headache . Today is the last day of moving stuff . From what Bill said last night , 99 % of the stuff was out of the house and all that was really left was the garage . The rest of Acer 's toys are here now so he is a happy little man and the rest of Calli 's stuff is here too . Calli is working on her room , getting it organized and everything in its place . I figure it will take a while to get everything re - arranged in the house . Heather and I have already fallen into a pattern of things that work for us . Heather does the laundry and I take care of the dishes . I dislike doing laundry so this works well for me . I don 't mind doing dishes especially since I am lucky enough to have a dishwasher . I am working on re - arranging the kitchen so that we have more space to use . I have moved my medicines to the pantry so it wouldn 't sit on the kitchen counter out in the open . Now that I have housemates , we need the space for cooking as there are now 5 of us to cook for . So far , I think things are going well . Heather has had some bad headaches , which tend to happen a lot to her too but she just takes her medicine and rests then she is better . I am the same . I don 't think I am stressed more or less than I was before . I feel better about the bills and about safety . I do think I sleep a bit better despite still waking up a lot during the night . I seem to go to sleep faster than I used to . It is nice to have company during the day and the kids home in the evening . The kids are very busy children though . They have several activities during the week and on the weekend . Calli turns 13 next Sunday . It will be an exciting day for her , I think . I vaguely remember turning 13 . I had a small party and I was excited to be a teenager . Mom and I were in a hardware store when we both saw this sign that said , " caution , if you have a weak heart , do not enter , a teenager lives here . " We bought it and it was put on the back door where it stayed into my younger brother turned 20 years old . I loved that sign a lot . It gave us all good giggles and sometimes you just nTomorrow is an educational fibro conference . I think Maia and Tillie are planning to attend . I am not sure . I have to remind my friend , Cheryl tomorrow so that she can see if she can attend . I need to send directions to Maia tonight so they know where they are going . I hope it is good . Dr . Clauw is a really good speaker and he is one of the top researchers of fibro . Every time I have heard him speak , it has been interesting and I also usually learn something new . Right now a lot of the buzz is about the new blood test that may be used in the future for diagnosing . It has been an interesting day . I met with a potential student who will be starting on Tuesday . I am very excited about this . She is very interested in learning the Classical and Broadway music . She is a junior at Oakland University . I think we will get along just fine . She seems very nice . Nina missed her lesson . For some reason her mom was running so far behind that they never made it to piano . Robyn had her lesson . She did very well and we started a new song for her to work on her range and her airflow . She seems to like the new music that we worked on today . I had Maisy all afternoon . She was so sad that Heather and kids left her here with me . She soon perked as she came with me to the bank , to get gas , and to Panera for lunch . Later on we went out again for a drink from McDonald 's . I wanted a diet coke so much . In the car went little Maisy . She seemed to like the rides . I can 't believe that I actually drove with the Maisy on my arm and lap at one point . Yup , I have become that woman who brings the dog on errands . However , I did not leave her in the car by herself as I was not comfortable doing that . We even took a nap together . I lifted her on my bed ( yes , I voluntarily had a dog on my bed ) and I was lying down and she was lying down next to me . She was so cute . I think we slept for about 30 to 45 minutes . Shortly there after the crew came back home to unload and to drop Acer off . He needed food and was tired of packing up stuff . Acer read me a book and now we are in the process of finding a toy that has triple A batteries so he can take them out and put them in his easy reader toy . We have had a fun evening . Acer is heading for bed now . Calli will be heading there shortly too . My headache has been medium bad today , which is why I needed to rest more than usual . Maisy was a very nice rest companion . She is very soft and sweet . Maisy does bark a lot but once she gets used to being here and everything calms down , I think she will calm down and not bark as much . Well , everyone is home now . It is almost time for bed as we will lose an hour tonight thanks to that daylight savings time . I am very tired tonight so I will be going to bed earlier than usual . I am just that tired . I had Physical Therapy this morning , and yes , I mean this morning . Yes , it is rare that I am up in the morning but my appointment was for 10 am . The tech wasn 't there today so I had the heat but not the ultra sound , which was fine . I did all my exercises and I do think they are helping . My hands do not seem to go numb as much as they used to . I am happy about that . It is an improvement . Calli and I had a bit of a good giggle the other night . We were drinking tea ( out of mugs ) and she had a spoon in her mug . She was drinking her tea with her spoon . I was telling her how my mom totally freaked out at me when I drank my tea with my spoon . Not less than 2 minutes later , Heather comes down and sees Calli drinking her tea with her spoon . Heather told her not to do that . Calli and I looked at each other and started laughing . We told Heather why and she giggled too . Since we were not drinking tea from some fancy tea cup , spoons in the cups are not acceptable . It still makes me smile when I think about that moment with them . There are some funny moments in a house when you have children around . I am learning a lot by living with two children . It is very interesting . The headache pain level is pretty high tonight . It has been all day . Heather had a really bad one yesterday . I think she is finally feeling better tonight although she is resting in her room . Acer is asleep like the Little Man should be . Calli is out with friends to an orchestra concert at her friend 's high school . Josh is a very nice young man . I hope that I sleep okay tonight . I did have to take a nap this afternoon because I got up early and I was so tired . I am getting tired just not tired enough to go to bed . I seem to wake up every 2 or so hours at night . I have a couple of lessons tomorrow and then I will finish the errands I didn 't finish today . I need to get some music for the students this week . 4 of the piano students need new books as they have finished the levels that they are at . Aubrey is moving to a new series . She is an amazing pianist . She really is . I have never had a piano student go through the first 4 books in just over a year before . The only other one who would be close to that would be Acer . Rachel and Faith need level 2 books and Brooklynn needs level 1B . I have ordered CDs that I need for Allison and a book for Isaac and Nick . Nick will be starting voice lesson on Tuesday . I am excited about that . Nick is doing well with piano . He will have piano first and then his voice lesson right after . I have the card reader I need to download the pictures off of my phone now . I am going to download them in a few minutes . I have some awesome pictures of Mom on my phone that I want to post on face book . I think Andrew will like them too . I haven 't heard from him in a while but that is nothing unusual for my younger brother . He is very busy and it just doesn 't occur to him to contact me . Wow , we are in the middle of the first week of March ! It is hard to believe how fast time can flew . More stuff came in today from the old house . We now have a sofa , chair , ottoman , and a red velvet chair in the house . We also now have 3 pianos , 2 studio pianos and 1 electric piano . One of Acer 's drum set is here . The other will be coming before the end of the week . Slowly , everything is getting to the places where they need to go . There are a lot of boxes that need to be unpacked and organized . I have been taking the new headache medicine for 5 days now . I hope it starts to take effect soon . I do hope it helps the headaches . I am tired of them . I won 't know for a few weeks if it will work or not . If it does help , then I will be weened off of the Amitriptyline so that would be a good thing . I still get some hallucinations because I am still taking the Amitriptyline . I figure that as the other stuff gets built up in my system . It is NCIS and NCIS Los Angeles night . I had a pretty decent day . My headache was just the normal one today . I ran a few errands . I had to resist taking Maisy with me because I didn 't want to leave her in the car when I was in the music store so I couldn 't take the little fur lady . I never expected to get so attached to a fur baby . What can I say ? She is adorable and very snuggly . I just didn 't think I would ever want one for myself and well , I do , someday when Maisy isn 't here anymore . Not much happening this evening except hanging out watching TV . I don 't feel like cleaning the kitchen right now so I am going to do it later , more like tomorrow or before bed . It all depends on how I feel . I do have to run the dishwasher once I clean up the dishes , but that can wait too . Thankfully , everyone in this house is really relaxed on this stuff so that is good . My student , Nick , is also going to start singing lessons next week . He is such a nice young man . He is very musical . Mary and Dan are back now . They had to take the entire month of February off because their mom had to work longer while the owners of her work were on vacation . I am glad they are back . Dan is excited about what I am planning to do for my birthday . I am planning to meet up with the students at the baskin robbins ice cream place . It will be a fun afternoon . It will also be on the 6th instead of the 8th since my birthday is on a Monday so we can 't go then . In 2 weeks is Calli 's 13th birthday . I can 't believe it is coming up so soon . It is just way too fast . She has a cheer competition on her actual birthday so I am not sure when we will be celebrating her entrance into becoming a teenager . It seems like yesterday at times that she was just turning 10 . Acer is now 8 and that also seems so impossible . I have been taking safflower oil and CLA with safflower oil for over a month now . I am not sure if they are helping , but my pajamas seem to be a bit bigger and so do some of my pants so I am hopeful that it is helping . I also have started taking the new headache medicine so I am hoping that will help with overall feeling somewhat better . I did read today that they may have found a blood test to see if you have Fibro or not . It isn 't something I am interested in taking as I know I have it but it will be helpful in the future for those who are unsure whether or not they have fibro or not . It is a good diagnostic tool for the future use . With the question for some of whether or not fibro is real or not , this will put some minds at ease both within the medical profession and the patients . I am fortunate that most of the people I know do not doubt me nor do they question me about it so I am lucky in that way . I do have people who can 't handle that I am sick and I will not get better . I know that so I don 't really worry about it . I don 't see him much so it doesn 't matter anyway . Next Monday , I am going to an educational conference on the new research that is being done on Fibro . Some of it is being done in Michigan at the U of M research facility . I haven 't been to any conferences in a long time so it will be good to catch up on what is going on in the fibro world research wise . Robin is hoping to go . I don 't know if Tillie and Maia are going . I am not going to call and remind them about it because the last time I spoke to Tillie and Maia , I was getting completely yelled at so I am not interested in repeating that experience . I told them about it so it is up to them to remember and go . I would be meeting them there anyway so it isn 't like they would have to drive all the way out here before we go . It has been a good day despite the extra soreness , even my hair hurts tonight and it has all day . I slept until 2 pm this afternoon . I was just so exhausted , I tried to get up , I just couldn 't . I am hoping tomorrow will be better as I have a few errands to do . I need to return a package to target , go to the bank , pick up some music , and get gas . I need to get a new CD for the Musical Theatre Anthology Vol 2 for Mezzo / Alto because I can 't find the CDs that I am sure I have somewhere . I also need to get the prescriptions that are ready to be picked up too . I plan to be up at the regular time so that I will be able to finish all the errands I need to run . Maisy was so cute tonight . She was left here tonight while Calli , Acer , and Heather went to cheer practice . There really isn 't any place for the little girl to go while the kids are practicing . Mostly she was okay . She likes Isaac especially because he gave her treats . Sam is a bit afraid of her but Rahul is not . Both boys had their lessons this evening . They are so sweet and cute . Sam is a bit sillier at times than Rahul but Rahul can get silly . Rahul is doing much better . Rahul is going to play " Jesus Loves Me " for the spring concert . I can 't remember what song Sam is playing . His dad switched cars with their mom and the books were in the other car . Rachel had her lesson . She is ready to start level 2 . I love how her grandmother always gives me the money ahead of time so I have it . I will pick up her music tomorrow too . Isaac is doing really well on his " Who Am I " from Les Miserables . He is playing it on the piano . He is also singing " Empty Chairs and Empty Tables " from the same play . He sings it very well . Isaac is a good singer . I finally have ink for the scanner / copier . It has been several weeks since it ran out of ink so tomorrow Sammy can copy her music that she needs to copy and put in her binder . I also will be able to have Allison copy her music for her binder too . I will be copying the CDs I get tomorrow for Allison . She is singing " I Dreamed a Dream " from , you guessed it ! Les Miserables ! Natalie also wants to sing " On My Own " . Since she is almost 13 , she can . I don 't generally let anyone under 13 sing love songs but she is so close to being 13 , it is okay . Robyn is going to start with the Young Singer book this week . I looked everywhere for that book and I couldn 't find it anywhere . I found it yesterday in the living room just like I expected . It was on the tea table next to the chair I like to sleep in . It is very comfortable for me . I have a hard time with the sofas at time but with the chair , it isn 't a problem . I have a new student on Saturday , Jennifer . She is a singer . I also have a meeting with a young lady named Megan on Saturday . She wants to meet with me first , which since she said so right at the beginning of our communication , I don 't mind . I only become upset if I don 't know that is what the student or potential student wants . Jennifer wants to sing with her church choir . It is nice that when I have a student quit , another one starts . This keeps the balance for me and I need that . Sometimes , it seems I have a lot of new students because I don 't often mention the ones that have quit . My handsome young man , Laith , is having his last month of lessons . He is moving and it is going to be too far for him to come to me . I am asking some of my friends for recommendations for teachers in his area . He is a good pianist and it would be sad to have him quit . Aubrey is almost done with her books . She is doing amazing . She has blasted through levels 1A , 1B , 2 , and almost 3 in just over a year . She started in December 2011 between Christmas and New Years . She is also 8 , freshly turned 8 . This is very unusual especially as she is not in the prep books for the younger students . I started her in the regular series that I use for students who are 7 and above when they start . Her mother said she reads very well , which is why I chose to put her in that book and she has just done really well with it . Her two younger sisters also play piano . They are in level C and they are 6 . They just turned 6 . They are twins and they are so sweet and do very well also . Brooke seems to like practicing better than Jillian , but they both practice . I owe Aubrey a $ 10 gift certificate as well as Laith and Sarah . Speaking of Laith , I need to get a gift certificate for Club Penguin . I better do this now . the last of the furniture that needed to move is officially gone . Karlyn now has a formal living room set , a bed frame and headboard for a twin bed , and a stair climber . She seemed very happy about that . Her younger brother and his friend , Hans came to take care of it . Bill helped too . The kids are downstairs playing and Heather is upstairs , possibly sleeping . She hasn 't been feeling these past few weeks . I do hope she feels better soon . She is also super tired , something which I totally understand . Now that the other furniture is gone , we can have the rest of the stuff from the " old house " as Acer calls it come here to the " new house " . Then we can start organizing stuff . I bought 3 boxes of CD sleeves so I can change out all the CD cases to sleeves . There is just no room in the drawer anymore for the CDs with cases . I am going to be changing the cases tonight . This will help the issue of the CDs not fitting in the drawer . I am looking for a certain CD but I can 't find it anywhere and I am totally upset over this because I don 't to have to buy a new one again but I need it so I will have to do this . Acer is showing me his trumpet / saxophone toy . He gets so excited when showing me his toys . Anything musical and that young man is there in a minute . He loves music so much . I completely understand this because I love music so much too . He does think it is cool that for his lesson he just has to go to the living room . Now he has a saxophone toy . I think the majority of his toys are musical . Acer also has perfect pitch which comes in handy at times . I am watching this crazy show called Amish Mafia . It is really weird , interesting , but weird . Definitely not the usual show about the Amish . I had lunch with Robin today . It was so nice to see her . She brought me the case for my nook that I wanted . The sleeve is good , but this case is better . I can set it up to read or play games . I now have 5 types of Angry Birds games . I love that game for some reason . ( Acer is playing a game of you order something and then he builds it - it is so cute . Acer is making me a bob - it - loop . Both kids are so creative ! ) I also have a new magazine that Robin suggested . It is called what the doctor knows . I will check and see if it is interesting enough to subscribe to it . I have to contact the hospital on Monday . I need to find out if I had received the financial assistance . I hope I did for at least the ER visits that I have had . I hope to not have to go back there anytime soon . I do try to stay healthy enough . The latest visit was the infection under the skin . Something I hope to never have again . It was rather painful and well they can be rather serious so yeah , not interested in having it again . I can 't believe it is Saturday already and March 2 ! ! ! ! ! ! Where did the week go ? I got home on Sunday from competition and pretty much flopped into bed . I had to get up earlier than usual Monday , Tuesday , and Wednesday so I was rather tired . I am still really tired from competition . Tomorrow , Karlyn 's brother , Ted and his friend , Hans are coming to take the furniture out of the house and store it in Karlyn 's and Ted 's mother 's house . I am glad she can use the furniture and that this will help her . I like the furniture but it just isn 't something I can use . I would have to re - stuff the cushions and really , it isn 't for everyday use . It is company only furniture and I need everyday furniture in the living room since I have children and their parents coming for lessons . This way we will also have space for a TV downstairs too . That will be good and once we have everything sorted , it will work out much better . I am pleased with how well my 3 girls did at competition . Sarah was ill and still was able to play . She received 3rd place in piano with her classical piece , Quadrille by Haydn . I was so happy for her because this was her first piano competition ever . Natalie and Rebecca did well too . Rebecca received 1st in all 4 of her categories and Natalie came home with 2 1sts , 1 2nd , and 1 3rd . It was her first competition too . I do expect that someday both Natalie and Rebecca will be in voice open and that Sarah will be in Piano Open . The open categories are for the very advanced musicians . With how ambitious Sarah is on learning the piano , I do expect her to advanced like she has been . She is a delight to teach , simply delightful . Sarah is eager to learn and learn correctly . She takes corrections very well . I am so pleased about that . It is so lovely to work with a student that wants to learn so much . My nook had been giving me issues last night and today . I thought it was me . Well , to my surprise , it wasn 't ! Thank goodness for that ! Everything is now downloaded and ready to read . I love my nook . Kathy has an iPhone now . She has been saving her birthday and Christmas money so she finally got one . She is so excited about it . I spoke to her on the phone for a long while today . It was so sweet how excited she was about her iPhone ! Now , of course , I want one . Well , I don 't need one and I just upgraded my phone so no new phone needed for me . I love my new phone a lot . It takes pretty good pictures too . i just have to download them on the flash drive and then copy them to my computer . This is supposed to be easily done so we shall see . I am not that technically advanced at times . I have the coolest arrangement of On My Own and I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables for my students . I just have to dig out the original CDs and then copy them for the students . As a teacher , I am allowed to copy 1 copy of music and CD for each student . They cannot use it in a live performance , but for practicing they can . I have a new student starting next Saturday . Her name is Jennifer and she wants to sing in church . Kirbie had her last saxophone lesson for a while . Her dad has to take a 20 % pay cut so out goes the lessons . I am sorry as she was such a sweet girl and worked pretty hard . She needed to learn how to tongue her notes and how to slur them . Now , Kirbie is an expert at those techniques . Kirbie also was fun to teach . Her mom was so nice too . We went over a few musical terms that Kirbie will be needing for band class . I hope to see her in the fall when things get better for them . I didn 't have Brooklynn 's lesson today . She got the week I was at competition mixed up . I will see her on Thursday before choir . I may be a bit late , but that will be okay . We often start a few minutes late to begin with . This past week , Carolyn and I were the only sopranos at rehearsal . We sang some new songs too . I really like the music that we are doing in choir . I just hope to be able to make it to church soon . My head is usually so bad at that early in the morning that I have given up hope on being able to go to church . I hope with the new medicine , it will work . I started the new medicine last night . One of the side effects is actually weight loss . I am actually hoping to have that side effect as I manage to gain weight with every other medicine that has a weight gain as a side effect , especially Lyrica . 80 pounds in 6 months . Yup , not fair ! Wouldn 't it be nice if it was 80 pounds gone in 6 months ? That would be simply beautiful , just beautiful . So far , the new living arrangement is going quite well . Maisy is so cute . I went to take a nap the other day and she hopped up on my lap to join me . She is such a cute dog . I had no idea I would like living with 2 furbabies . Calli keeps her dog with her at all times so it isn 't like he is running around . He is pretty well behaved too . He is good with Calli who can 't sit still to save her life . He takes her moving around in stride . Maisy is very attached to Heather . She follows Heather everywhere . It is so sweet . She sleeps in the same room as Heather too . I like when Maisy comes up to me but basically , she just likes being around Heather . Acer and Calli have seemed to adapted to the new living arrangement . Acer even commented about something being at the old house so that is good that he is adjusting . Calli likes her new room . I think the bedrooms are a bit bigger but not by much . Our house looks bigger because the garage is attached . I think we 5 fit in here very well . I still have my room ( which is in need of re - organizing ! ) . I did have the option of moving into mom 's room , but I really didn 't want to because I really like my room . I am going to transfer the curtains in Heather and Bill 's room to my room . It will brighten up my room and the way their bed is , they need shorter curtains . Bill brought the light out of Calli 's old room to be placed in her new room since the light in there is hanging from the ceiling . All in all , I feel that this arrangement will really help all of us . Well , onto copying my choir music from the flash drive and then to reading before bed ! ! ! ! : ) I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
I spent the afternoon with Kathy and her family at her parents ' house . Her mom is a really good cook . I did control myself and not go crazy . I made sure I ate more veggies than anything else . I also had some spare ribs . Kathy 's mom makes them and they taste amazingly awesome . Trust me on this . Not much extra pain today like yesterday , just the usual amount of pain . I just ached so much yesterday . It is so nice to live with people who understand about this . Neither Heather nor Bill ever say anything about what time I get up or how much I try to sleep or when I nap for a long time , like yesterday . I slept for about 3 1 / 2 hours in the afternoon . I did have a bad headache this morning , but by the time I actually got out of bed it was back to the normal headache so that was good . It just is annoying that it is bad in the morning because that means I miss church a lot and I mean a lot . I have pretty much given up on being about to be there on a regular basis . I usually missed at least 1 time during the month before but now , I miss all of it . Easter is such a beautiful season in that it causes me to reflect on things a lot . It makes me think of what sacrifices my mom made when we were young to the biggest sacrifice of all , Jesus on the Cross . It boggles my mind that God loves us so much that He allowed Jesus to be whipped , tortured , and then hung on a cross to die for our sins . I mean , you hear people say that they would die for people in movies and in books , but He really did . Jesus DID die for us . Although I am not Catholic , I do like the idea of giving up something during lent . I have before . I didn 't this year because I didn 't realize it was lent until it was about 1 / 3 over . Yes , I didn 't know that Easter was early this year . Perhaps I should pay more attention to these details . Maisy and I had a good snuggle when I came home . She is sitting behind me right now waiting for Heather to get home . She was happy to see me but she will be even happier to see her momma , Heather . Maisy is such a joy to hang out with . She has this really cute habit of taking her paw and putting it on you if you stop paying attention to her . It really is adorable . She is one happy girl . I would say overall the kids and the dogs have adjusted rather well to the move . Acer and Calli are both full of life and really bring sunshine and joy to my life . Life here in the house is never boring with the kids and the dogs around . Calli 's dog , Q , of course , goes everywhere with Calli so he is with Calli at her grandparents house . I wish I had more time with Kathy today but I will take anytime I can with her . She is very busy and lives a couple of hours away from here . Well , I am going to watch a bit of TV before reading and heading for bed . I have a busy morning tomorrow . ( okay - stop laughing , I did say morning ! ) I have Physical Therapy at 10 : 30 am before I go to the Muglia 's for the piano lessons with Sarah and Patrick . Bob will have his lesson at 3 . Isaac and Rachel are absent . I am not sure when Rahul or Sam will be having their lessons . Often their mom wants it a bit earlier than they are scheduled for . Natalie is having a make up lesson tomorrow because she was sick on Friday . That is if she is better . If not , then I won 't see her until Friday at her regularly scheduled lesson . Sammy and Gabby are coming over to put music away this week . I am very excited about this job . It has been so long since I have had all my music put away and not all over the house . I will then know what I have again . It will be easier to find music again too . Right now , if it isn 't in the cabinet , then i have no idea where it is . Most students have copies of music unless it is their own music . The Muglia girls do have some of my original music but they do take good care of the music so I don 't mind loaning the music to them . I am excited to be getting the music room in order . Every week the students see a new part put together . I have to get the legal size hanging folders from downstairs because a few of them have ripped and I can 't use them anymore . I will post pictures this week . It is really an exciting event in the house for me . I think all the small changes are good ones . I like the pictures we have put up and the rearranging of the furniture too . Tomorrow I get to see Kathy ! ! ! ! ! ! I can 't wait ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It will be a lot of fun . I have all the Easter Treats for everyone . I gave Acer and Calli their coupon books . I must add a couple more coupons though because he asked about ice cream so I will add that today . He also wants to help sticker them . He and Calli both like to help with things . Calli is cleaning out the van today . She is emptying it out of all of Acer 's toys too . He is in the middle of putting them away . By the way , for all the worry that some people had about how quiet or loud the kids would be while I have lessons , they are quiet and do not come in the room when I am teaching . So really , there was no need for worry . I wasn 't worried at all because I knew they would be playing or doing something in other parts of the house . Nina didn 't have her lesson today . I didn 't know she wasn 't coming so I called her dad . They didn 't think we had lessons because tomorrow is a holiday . They were at church this morning . My next student , Sally , should be here any minute now . She has a lovely voice . We are working on a song out of the 24 Italian arias and art songs and also a song by Handel . I took a 3 1 / 2 hour nap this afternoon . I was so tired and my headache was just not good . I am done teaching with the day . I am still very tired . Acer is in bed already and Calli is heading there . Bill is rather tired too . The kids went down the street to a subdivision Easter Egg Hunt . They met several of our neighbors . Our across the street neighbor introduced himself to Bill and Heather . The kids had hot chocolate and received some candy . Both Acer and Calli said they had a good time . I was glad about that . While they were gone , Maisy and I had to get me some caffeine . I needed some diet coke so she and I went to get some . I expected to be back before the kids but i wasn 't . I wasn 't sure if Bill or Heather had their keys with them so I left the front door unlocked since they were just down the street . I am really glad that they had a good time and met a few of the kids in the neighborhood . Most of the kids are pretty friendly . Faith and her sister , Courtney were among the ones who knew who they were from the recitals since Faith is my student . Both she and Courtney are very nice girls . It has been a tiring day and I do seem to ache more but inside of me , it hasn 't been too bad . You know what I mean ? The outside can be so tiring and exhausted but the inside can run marathons at times . That was today . Tomorrow will be the 3rd Easter I have had without Momma . I wonder if I will always count how many holidays or birthdays it will be since I lost Momma ? I am sure that she is watching me and with me . I think about her a lot , like everyday . I probably will forever but that is okay . She is my mom and I do miss her . Sometimes I miss her terribly and I still cry but other times I don 't . I can think of some of the silly things we did together . I also think about how she was very upset when I started getting sick and no one knew what was wrong with me . The first time I had a headache for 6 months straight , she was worried . We went to doctor after doctor until we couldn 't go to anymore . Finally , she said we will work on this ourselves and we did . Eventually , the bad 6 month headache went away and it only popped up now and again until I had the vasculitis . Then it never went away . Slowly , it seems it is getting better . The bad headache seems to be bad in the morning and late at night but not during the day , most of the time . I also have noticed that my anxiety is not as bad as it was . I think that having Heather and family here has helped . Either that or I have really , really good meds . Mom is 79 today . I think she is probably having a big celebration up in Heaven . It hasn 't been a horrible day for me , just a slightly bad day . I miss her so much . I always will . I speak to her at times too . Sometimes , I can even still feel her here with me . I am thankful that I got to spend so much time with her . I shudder to think how sometimes it drove me crazy that she wanted to be with me all the time . Now I am grateful . I just wish I appreciated her more when I was younger . I remember when I was about 25 or 26 I asked Mom if I could speak with her . We had a very , very , very long conversation . I also apologized for my behavior as a teenager and when I was in college . She apologized for some of the mistakes she made with me . Momma also explained some of the reasons she did what she did . How she was afraid every single time I walked out the door that I would start using drugs . Both of my brothers used drugs as teens , so that is why she was so afraid for me . When I was in high school she would wait until the last minute to tell me I had a job to do before I went out . I would get so angry . I later learned she did it on purpose to see if I would change my mind and stay home . It didn 't work . It made me want to go out even more . I never did try drugs . I also do not drink . The most I have ever had was about an inch of a wine cooler . I can 't get past the smell of the alcohol to try something else . I have been that way since I was a child . I don 't expect I will ever change . I am still afraid , at times , of people when they drink too much . I am getting much better with that . It doesn 't bother me at all when Kathy and her family have wine at dinner because they don 't drink too much . I can 't wait to see Kathy . It seems so weird ( in a good way ) to be able to say that I have known her for about 42 years now . I was afraid of today because I was so sad last year and the year before . I am starting to finally feel okay about missing mom . Sometimes it hurts worse than others and sometimes I am okay . I have started to feel like meI went and got the Easter gifts today . I got a stuffed bunny and a coloring book for each of Kathy 's girls and for her boys , I got them each a itunes card . I am making coupons for Acer and Calli for Easter . I got stickers for the coupons . I also saw a Curious George book for about $ 10 . It had 8 stories in it . I have already read 2 to Acer . Calli was listening too . Heather and family went to go and listen to some music tonight at a coffee shop . I am sure they are all having a good time . Both kids took a rest this afternoon so they could stay out late tonight . My headache was too bad to go to choir tonight . I had hoped to be able to go , but I couldn 't . We will see what happens on Sunday . Last night Bill put the breakfast nook together . It is in the family room . I will be able to use it for sewing . I am hoping that Star and I will start sewing together . I still have trouble sewing by myself . I am glad I know how to so . I have made some really nice clothes . I want to start sewing again . I am going to teach Calli how to sew this summer . She is just so busy with school and studying as well as her activities that she doesn 't have time . Summer will be here soon enough . Calli and Acer will be very busy in the summer too with all the camps they go to . There are so many things that the Lions Club do for the visually impaired . I donate when the have the fundraising people in the intersections . I am a bit more achy tonight than usual . My knees have been rather achy a lot lately . I am hoping that with the warmer weather coming I will not have such achy knees . I do have a medium bad headache tonight so I didn 't go to choir . I have missed so much church and choir practice . Tomorrow I have Physical Therapy and then a few lessons . Acer will have his and I also have a new little one starting tomorrow . I have all his books so that is good . The one I had to order just came in yesterday so I went and picked it up this afternoon . I also have Ellie 's new Hymn Book . I need to email her mom and let her know how much they were . I will do the same for Ryan . The music room is shaping up nicely . The three filing cabinets are in the room now . I just have to work on adding the song lists to the 38 books that do not have that information . I also need to work on finishing up the CD project . Sammy and Gabby will be coming to put away all the music that is all over the house , or so it seems . I have several piles in the family fun room and several piles in the dining room not to mention the piles that are in the music room . I look forward to this being done . Then we can work on the Little Man 's room and the family room . The dining room will clear out as the other rooms do . All in all , things are progressing well . I had to have another protime test today . I will have to have another next week as my blood is not being cooperative . I must miss my dose tomorrow and then lower another dosage for one more day so that on 2 days I will have one dose and the other 5 will be a different dose . I hope this really helps because , well , I really want my blood to be where it should be . I did hear from the doctor at the study . I tried to call her back but she wasn 't in today . I will try again tomorrow . I am not sure outside of she wants to talk about my medicines what she will tell me but that is okay . I have been rather stiff these last few weeks for some reason . It is probably the changing of the weather , but I am very stiff at night these days . My headaches seem to be improving a bit . There are still bad in the morning but not so bad at night this week . I am hoping that is a sign that this new medicine will work for me . Two chances I suppose as my mom used to say . Either it will or it won 't . I am voting for the will . The hematoma on my calf is still there . It has been there for about 3 months now . It is still really red and swollen . It doesn 't hurt unless I have been driving for a while or sitting in a different chair than what I usually sit in for a while . It really hurt the other day when I was driving home . I hope it goes away soon . It feels rather strange to feel a hard lump on my leg . Fortunately , it hasn 't gotten any bigger or redder or more sore because that could be a sign of it turning into a blood clot . Something I really , really , really , really don 't want to have again . I am counting down the days until I get to see Kathy ! 4 more days until Easter Sunday and then I shall be with her and her family at her parents house . Her parents are really nice and her mother cooks so good . Believe me when I say , no one can leave the table hungry at Kathy 's parents ' house . If they do , it is their own fault . I almost have everything I need for Easter . The students are getting their pencils and I have things in mind for Kathy 's kids . I just need to get something for the two young people who live here . I will be asking Heather for suggestions . It still seems weird to call someone else my name in my house but hey , at least I will never forget her name ! I plan to get my medicine and the Easter stuff on Thursday . I have 2 refills at the Pharmacy right now . I will have a few more students than I thought next week during Spring Break . I like that kind of a surprise . I have a few who are going to be out of town , but several will be home and coming for their lesson . I am so lucky that I am able to teach the few lessons I can . It keeps my mind off the pain but also it keeps the fog from getting worse . There are days when it is really bad and I have to cancel lessons on those days . Sometimes the pain is that bad and I can 't think or do anything other than rest . Yesterday was Palm Sunday , the start of Holy week . I just put out our Easter decorations on the piano . They look so pretty . It has been a rather productive day around here . We put some things in for donation , some things for recycle , and some things for the garbage . 3 filing cabinets full of music came up . I now can have the girls come and put the music that is all over the house away . I have about 38 or so books that I need to catalogue the songs into the catalogue . I also need to check the piano catalogue too . I am sure there are many books that are not completely catalogued either . I was not taking good care of it when Mom became sicker with the Alzheimer 's and could not keep up with it herself . Now I am back on track with being able to get to the filing cabinets so I can be caught up soon . I no longer have an excuse . I can get the job done . I see Sammy tomorrow so I can plan a day for her next week . I saw Jewel in concert last night . It was really good . I really enjoyed it . My Aunt Michelle won the tickets so I went with her . I had help with getting the scooter out of the car but I had to do most of it when I was putting it back into the car . The security guard was not a happy camper when I asked him to help . After the concert , Michelle came back and picked up the things she ordered . I have had a medium bad headache all day today . I did receive a message from the Doctor in charge of the study . I will call tomorrow and see what she has to say . It was something about medicine . There are a few medicines that I actually cannot live without , the blood thinner for one and the reglan , which digests my food , is the other . I don 't think the synthroid for my thyroid would be an issue , but one never knows . I will find out tomorrow . Well , I am falling asleep here so it is time for me to head to bed . I am very tired . It has been a rather long day and I have a blood test at 11 : 20 tomorrow morning . It has been a some what busy day around here . First up were a couple of lessons , Nina and Sally ( a new student ) . Nina is a pianist . She chose her spring concert piece today . Sally is a vocalist and we worked on a piece she wants to perform at her church . It is from the Messiah by Handel . She worked pretty hard on it this afternoon . When I finished the two lessons , I had to take a nap . I was so exhausted . I think I slept for about an hour . I picked up Ellie 's and Ryan 's books for them . I did buy a neckstrap for a saxophone , but it was the wrong size . I need one for the Baritone Sax . I am going to call my friend , Dan and order one . I will drive out there and pick it up . It isn 't too far away , about 45 or so minutes so that isn 't bad . I worked on updating my vocal music catalogue this afternoon / evening too . I have discovered about 38 books that do not have the songs that are in the books listed . This is not a good thing as when I am looking for a particular song , I will not be able to find it . Once the filing cabinets are moved , then I will have the two young ladies , Sammy and Gabby , come and put all the music away . Then I will put the songs in from the books . I also am still working on the changing of the cases for the CDs that I use for teaching . I have one drawer completely finished . I have 2 more drawers to do and the box with the original CDs , then I will be done . The makeover for the music room is coming along nicely . I have a few more pictures up and some have been moved to other places . The puppies and horse pictures that used to be in the upper hallway are going to be donated . I have taken pictures of them to remember them by . That is all I needed to do . I have the cool Music picture on the wall where the baby pictures use to be and the Friendship picture I got from Julie is also in the living room ( which is now the music room ) . For some strange reason , my chin bone hurts . I don 't know why , it just does . I also have a bigger headache than usual but since we had the little accident with the scented water , I am not surprised . Calli accidentally dropped the bottle that had the scented water in it on the carpet in front of her room . We opened the dining room window , her bedroom window , and the furnace room window too . She was rather upset but it was an accident . Calli also made sure she washed her hands really good after cleaning up the mess and she changed her jeans because a small amount got on her . She and I worked on her math with the abacus today . Calli is doing rather well at it and so is Acer . I helped him the other day . Acer tried to teach me how to use it but it so went over my head . Maybe another time he can show me . I think my thinking skills were gone that day . I feel that we are all adjusting to the new living situation rather well . I am happier and Heather has even noticed it . She is right , I am happier . I don 't feel as stressed out as I did . I was starting to feel a crash and burn coming on and I think with the move in , it went away . I don 't know if I will crash and burn , but should I , Heather and Bill are in the same house so if I need to go to the hospital , they are there and also , it won 't be such a devastating effect on my bills if I miss for a few days . So over all , I am feeling less stressed . I still ache constantly , but the stress level is down . I think Heather 's stress level is down too , same with Bill . I also think it is really cool that on the days I teach later , someone leaves me a plate with food on it . I like that . I am on kitchen patrol while Heather is on laundry patrol . This is actually so much better because I seriously hate to do my laundry . I don 't know why , I just do . I would rather wash every dish by hand than do a load of laundry . So my job is to keep up with the dishes . Calli helped me tonight . I washed the pots and lids and Calli dried then I put them away . She also expertly wiped out all of the chili macaroni and cheese bowls . That is a big help . With the septic tank , we have to be careful what goes down the sink drains . She is very good about wiping her plate and bowls . Calli also swiffered the kitchen tonight as well as vacuumed both sets of stairs and the hallway . It is one of her weekend duties because her guide dog sheds more than the other little dog Heather has . I took a few pictures of Maisy tonight . She is such a beautiful dog . Q is really beautiful too . He is a black lab . He coat is so shiny and soft . Calli works pretty well with him . She has several days a week where she has specific things to do with her dog but she is doing good . Since Q is with Calli all the time , he doesn 't hang around like Maisy does . I will try to get a picture of Calli and Q to post . I did not wear anything green today . I usually don 't . My reasoning is , of course , I am Irish so I don 't have to wear green or orange ( because I am a protestant ) . Both sides of my family goes back to Ireland . The Paxtons were seafaring people and the McAgys were tailors . Saying that the Paxtons were seafaring people makes me wonder how many of them were pirates , although , in fantasy or myths , pirates are not such bad people but in reality , they are horrible and still are . They killed innocent people , stole , lied , cheated , and committed many sins so I am not sure why people ( including me ) create them in our mind to be something they are not . Anyways , it has been a quiet St . Patrick 's Day . I attended a Michigan Music Association meeting today . It was good . It was mainly a wrap up meeting for the competition that was in February . My students and I had a good weekend . There were a few things that came up that we need to discuss more but overall , I think everyone thought things went well . I am on the board of directors , which I am glad about . I don 't mind not being on the executive board as long as I am still on the board of directors . I like helping out before the actual competition rather than do a whole lot at the competition . One of the main jobs I have at the competition is checking that the trophies match the student as well as the category and place . We did really well this year because no one received the wrong trophy so that was good . Today is also Calli 's birthday . She is now 13 . This of course means , we have an official teenager in the house . She is a sweet young lady who was very excited to turn 13 . Right now she is out with her grandparents , parents , brother , and a friend for dinner while Maisy and I hold down the fort here at home . Maisy and I had some nice snuggle time together on the chair in the music room . Right now the lovely Maisy is lying down next to me here in the dining room . She is so lovable . In the next few weeks I am going to be collecting all of my mom 's jewelry to give to people . I am not sure what everyone wants , if any . I am going to keep her pearls as well as the necklace that is now mine . I need to get into the safe deposit box . I need to find out how much it costs to have the lock drilled out since I cannot find the key and I don 't think there is any hope in finding it . Anyways , I want it done by around Easter . It has been a bad headache day , not bad enough for the alsuma , but bad enough to miss choir . I have been thinking about the study that is coming up all day long . I am almost afraid to try this . I do hope I am a part of the study , but on the other hand , I have been disappointed so often that to try something new again , is frightening . I am hoping that I am not in the placebo group . It is a 12 week study . Robin is also being interviewed on Tuesday for this . Mine is Wednesday before Physical Therapy . I will go from the interview straight to Physical Therapy . It is exciting and frightening all at the same time . I cannot remember a time where I didn 't have a headache or body aches or extreme fatigue and everything else that comes with fibro . It is almost unreal to think that maybe I won 't be in so much pain someday . I dream about that day . What will I do ? What will I be able to do ? How long will the effect of the treatment last ? Would I be able to teach full time again ? Or maybe , get a different job and keep the amount of students that I have now ? I don 't know . I have only thought about trying different medications to see if it works . Now this is non - invasive and non - medication so how cool is that ? Could this be a cure ? Is there a cure ? Does this just lessen the symptoms or can it totally erase all of the symptoms ? Fibro is so much more than just the pain . I have more trouble with headaches and fatigue than I do with the body aches , although I do have them , they are just not as strong as my headaches and the fatigue . I know that pain is the biggest symptom that we all share and the others are different because each of us are different . I can 't even imagine a life without pain anymore and I have a good imagination . After my interview I will be speaking with Robin to see what she thinks too . We both are very hopeful . I think many of us at the conference are hopeful with the results of the preliminary studies . My 2 little boys didn 't come for lessons today . As I suspected , their mom forgot about the changing of the days . She graciously switched days so I could attend the conference Monday night . Their mom will call if they can attend lessons tomorrow . It all depends on what time their dad will be done with work . If they can 't , I will see them on Monday . They are very cute , super cute . Tomorrow is a light day for lessons as usual . That is how Fridays are . Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the busiest days right now , but that can change in a second . I have to be careful of how many lessons I have a day because if I have too many in a row , I can get so exhausted so fast that I need to go and lie down right then and there . Generally , I pace myself pretty well . Just think , if this treatment actually works , I may not have to worry about the strict pacing that I do now . Hmm , that is a good thought . Acer has his lesson tomorrow after school . Natalie will have her lesson tomorrow too . I have ordered the CDs to the Broadway Book that both Natalie and Allison are singing from . I know I have the song that in another book so I should have it on another CD while I am waiting for the other CDs to be coming in . Saturday will be a light day too . I have a wrap up meeting for the competition on Sunday . I hope it is a good one . I am planning to be there . It will be at Diane 's this time . Maisy is too cute ! She couldn 't decide on whether or not she was going to eat or go outside . She is such a beautiful little dog . Maisy chose to eat . Isaac has misplaced his CDs for his voice lessons so I need to make some copies for the young man . He had a sore side today . He and another student ran into each other hard when they were at school . He couldn 't lift his arm up very well so we ended up singing the entire lesson , which was not a bad thing . Isaac sings really well . I am not sure what he will sing for the spring concert . I do know he will be playing " Who Am I " from Les Miserables . I think there will much representation of Les Miz at the concert since the movie came out at Christmas and the DVD will be coming out on March 22 . I , of course , plan to get it . In just one week it will be out ! ! ! ! I can 't wait to see it again ! I will definitely have to see this with the girls and Star again ! I also have to see the " How to Train Your Dragon " movie that Natalie has wanted me to see forever . I want to see it too . We are planning to have another movie day soon . I will check the girls schedule for the next few weeks to see when they are available . I am watching Project Runway . For some reason , I just love this show . Right now , the designers are ripping on each other . They were to make 3 outfits each for the Thunder Down Under strip team . Both teams were so bad . Clothes didn 't fit or didn 't come off easy . Basically , they were not as good as they usually are . None of one of the teams knew how to make tailored clothes . I do not either . Mom was the one who could tailor clothes . Her suits were amazing . The fits were just perfect , always . Mom did teach me how to sew . I am much better at dresses and skirts . Most of the stuff I have made is not super fancy with lots of details . I tend to like the more classical , elegant , simple styles best . That is me . I am hoping that when I lose some weight , I will make myself some nice skirts and dresses again . I also love wearing leggings . I am so glad they are back into style since I do love them so much . I am also planning to teach Calli a bit of sewing too . I have some ideas of how to adapt things for her . I also like the idea of Star 's where we make a sewing group . I think when she is finished with a few of these plays we will be able to do that . I would love to take a sewing class at one of the local stores . The one I would like is the fashion design class . There are a few things I don 't know how to make . Wow , a Project Runway first , there is no winner . That has never happened before . Amanda is out . Last week was a surprise because it was double out . Some of the clothing they make on the show does make to the pattern catalogues at the fabric stores . I have seen some of them . This particular challenge was not good for any of them . Next week should be rather interesting too . Well , it is time to read for now before bed . I wish my head wouldn 't hurt so much . I have Physical Therapy tomorrow morning at 10 : 30 . I am going to put my bagels in a bag so I remember to grab them and eat them on the way . Otherwise , I won 't be eating breakfast at all . i can nap in the afternoon if I need to . Well , now the real work has begun , finding a place for everything . Yes , that will be the fun thing . Combining 2 households into one is a challenge but it is one we can meet . I figure it will take a few months to get everything settled . I have about 5 boxes and 1 bag that needs to be shredded too . Heather started a box ladies group on facebook . I , of course , am a member . The idea is for us to go through our boxes and get rid of what we don 't need and donate what can be donated . I did my box for the week already . Heather and I went through a box on Sunday so it is ready to be donated to the thrift store . I had a new student this afternoon . She is very excited about starting lessons . I am glad about that . She did very well . Her name is Megan and I met with her on Saturday . Nick also started his voice lessons this evening . He really liked " Any Dream Will Do " a lot . I am glad because I really like that song too . He did very well with the Italian Song too . I have had this particular headache for about 4 days now . It is kind of weird because it is in my face but also on top of my head . I tried some sinus medicine but that didn 't work at all so I am back to my usual medicine . It isn 't bad enough to use the alsuma shot , but if it doesn 't improve by tomorrow , I may have to use the breakthrough medicine . Just once , I would like to not have a bad headache for days in a row . I am hopeful that this will happen some day in the future . Well , I think I am going to read for a bit . Tomorrow is a Physical Therapy day . I have a few lessons afterwards . Aubrey will be getting her new books tomorrow . I am so excited about this . She is excited about it too . Her lesson is the last one of the evening so I have a bit to wait after PT to see her . I didn 't have any lessons today , which was a good thing since I have had a pretty bad headache since yesterday . At one point I thought I was going to have to have a pain shot , but I am holding off as it is not as bad as it was . I also ran several errands today . I got some of the books that Rachel and Faith will need , all of Brooklynn 's , and all of Aubrey 's books . Aubrey is a very gifted student . She has finished the levels that I use of the Alfred books so she is now going to the Keith Snell books . I am so excited for her about this . It will be wonderful . She and her sisters are such delights . It is hard to gage how far Aubrey could go because I have never really had a student quite like her since Melissa years ago and when she got to the same point as Aubrey , she was 14 so it wasn 't quite the same thing . Also , I was much more insecure with my piano teaching at the time so when she got to that point , I stopped teaching her . Now , I am much more confident . I know what I can and cannot teach . It is so fun to teach Aubrey and the others . Aubrey is excited about how she will pick her songs , as soon as I find the CD or get a new one . I need to find the copies that Mom made because she gets one . How she picks her songs is that she listens to the CDs and tells me which ones she wants to do next . There is a new thing to learn in every song . I love these books and boy am I glad someone years ago told me about them . Also , she will be able to play some fun stuff too . All in all , she is in a great place piano - wise . Maisy and I had a quiet afternoon . We went for a small drive and she seems to really like drives . We also took a nap too . My head was so bad that I had to lay down for a while . Maisy can now jump up on my bed . I think I slept for about an hour or so . It didn 't really help the headache too much though . I am hoping tomorrow it is better . I will probably go to bed a bit earlier than usual because of the headache . Today is the last day of moving stuff . From what Bill said last night , 99 % of the stuff was out of the house and all that was really left was the garage . The rest of Acer 's toys are here now so he is a happy little man and the rest of Calli 's stuff is here too . Calli is working on her room , getting it organized and everything in its place . I figure it will take a while to get everything re - arranged in the house . Heather and I have already fallen into a pattern of things that work for us . Heather does the laundry and I take care of the dishes . I dislike doing laundry so this works well for me . I don 't mind doing dishes especially since I am lucky enough to have a dishwasher . I am working on re - arranging the kitchen so that we have more space to use . I have moved my medicines to the pantry so it wouldn 't sit on the kitchen counter out in the open . Now that I have housemates , we need the space for cooking as there are now 5 of us to cook for . So far , I think things are going well . Heather has had some bad headaches , which tend to happen a lot to her too but she just takes her medicine and rests then she is better . I am the same . I don 't think I am stressed more or less than I was before . I feel better about the bills and about safety . I do think I sleep a bit better despite still waking up a lot during the night . I seem to go to sleep faster than I used to . It is nice to have company during the day and the kids home in the evening . The kids are very busy children though . They have several activities during the week and on the weekend . Calli turns 13 next Sunday . It will be an exciting day for her , I think . I vaguely remember turning 13 . I had a small party and I was excited to be a teenager . Mom and I were in a hardware store when we both saw this sign that said , " caution , if you have a weak heart , do not enter , a teenager lives here . " We bought it and it was put on the back door where it stayed into my younger brother turned 20 years old . I loved that sign a lot . It gave us all good giggles and sometimes you just nTomorrow is an educational fibro conference . I think Maia and Tillie are planning to attend . I am not sure . I have to remind my friend , Cheryl tomorrow so that she can see if she can attend . I need to send directions to Maia tonight so they know where they are going . I hope it is good . Dr . Clauw is a really good speaker and he is one of the top researchers of fibro . Every time I have heard him speak , it has been interesting and I also usually learn something new . Right now a lot of the buzz is about the new blood test that may be used in the future for diagnosing . It has been an interesting day . I met with a potential student who will be starting on Tuesday . I am very excited about this . She is very interested in learning the Classical and Broadway music . She is a junior at Oakland University . I think we will get along just fine . She seems very nice . Nina missed her lesson . For some reason her mom was running so far behind that they never made it to piano . Robyn had her lesson . She did very well and we started a new song for her to work on her range and her airflow . She seems to like the new music that we worked on today . I had Maisy all afternoon . She was so sad that Heather and kids left her here with me . She soon perked as she came with me to the bank , to get gas , and to Panera for lunch . Later on we went out again for a drink from McDonald 's . I wanted a diet coke so much . In the car went little Maisy . She seemed to like the rides . I can 't believe that I actually drove with the Maisy on my arm and lap at one point . Yup , I have become that woman who brings the dog on errands . However , I did not leave her in the car by herself as I was not comfortable doing that . We even took a nap together . I lifted her on my bed ( yes , I voluntarily had a dog on my bed ) and I was lying down and she was lying down next to me . She was so cute . I think we slept for about 30 to 45 minutes . Shortly there after the crew came back home to unload and to drop Acer off . He needed food and was tired of packing up stuff . Acer read me a book and now we are in the process of finding a toy that has triple A batteries so he can take them out and put them in his easy reader toy . We have had a fun evening . Acer is heading for bed now . Calli will be heading there shortly too . My headache has been medium bad today , which is why I needed to rest more than usual . Maisy was a very nice rest companion . She is very soft and sweet . Maisy does bark a lot but once she gets used to being here and everything calms down , I think she will calm down and not bark as much . Well , everyone is home now . It is almost time for bed as we will lose an hour tonight thanks to that daylight savings time . I am very tired tonight so I will be going to bed earlier than usual . I am just that tired . I had Physical Therapy this morning , and yes , I mean this morning . Yes , it is rare that I am up in the morning but my appointment was for 10 am . The tech wasn 't there today so I had the heat but not the ultra sound , which was fine . I did all my exercises and I do think they are helping . My hands do not seem to go numb as much as they used to . I am happy about that . It is an improvement . Calli and I had a bit of a good giggle the other night . We were drinking tea ( out of mugs ) and she had a spoon in her mug . She was drinking her tea with her spoon . I was telling her how my mom totally freaked out at me when I drank my tea with my spoon . Not less than 2 minutes later , Heather comes down and sees Calli drinking her tea with her spoon . Heather told her not to do that . Calli and I looked at each other and started laughing . We told Heather why and she giggled too . Since we were not drinking tea from some fancy tea cup , spoons in the cups are not acceptable . It still makes me smile when I think about that moment with them . There are some funny moments in a house when you have children around . I am learning a lot by living with two children . It is very interesting . The headache pain level is pretty high tonight . It has been all day . Heather had a really bad one yesterday . I think she is finally feeling better tonight although she is resting in her room . Acer is asleep like the Little Man should be . Calli is out with friends to an orchestra concert at her friend 's high school . Josh is a very nice young man . I hope that I sleep okay tonight . I did have to take a nap this afternoon because I got up early and I was so tired . I am getting tired just not tired enough to go to bed . I seem to wake up every 2 or so hours at night . I have a couple of lessons tomorrow and then I will finish the errands I didn 't finish today . I need to get some music for the students this week . 4 of the piano students need new books as they have finished the levels that they are at . Aubrey is moving to a new series . She is an amazing pianist . She really is . I have never had a piano student go through the first 4 books in just over a year before . The only other one who would be close to that would be Acer . Rachel and Faith need level 2 books and Brooklynn needs level 1B . I have ordered CDs that I need for Allison and a book for Isaac and Nick . Nick will be starting voice lesson on Tuesday . I am excited about that . Nick is doing well with piano . He will have piano first and then his voice lesson right after . I have the card reader I need to download the pictures off of my phone now . I am going to download them in a few minutes . I have some awesome pictures of Mom on my phone that I want to post on face book . I think Andrew will like them too . I haven 't heard from him in a while but that is nothing unusual for my younger brother . He is very busy and it just doesn 't occur to him to contact me . Wow , we are in the middle of the first week of March ! It is hard to believe how fast time can flew . More stuff came in today from the old house . We now have a sofa , chair , ottoman , and a red velvet chair in the house . We also now have 3 pianos , 2 studio pianos and 1 electric piano . One of Acer 's drum set is here . The other will be coming before the end of the week . Slowly , everything is getting to the places where they need to go . There are a lot of boxes that need to be unpacked and organized . I have been taking the new headache medicine for 5 days now . I hope it starts to take effect soon . I do hope it helps the headaches . I am tired of them . I won 't know for a few weeks if it will work or not . If it does help , then I will be weened off of the Amitriptyline so that would be a good thing . I still get some hallucinations because I am still taking the Amitriptyline . I figure that as the other stuff gets built up in my system . It is NCIS and NCIS Los Angeles night . I had a pretty decent day . My headache was just the normal one today . I ran a few errands . I had to resist taking Maisy with me because I didn 't want to leave her in the car when I was in the music store so I couldn 't take the little fur lady . I never expected to get so attached to a fur baby . What can I say ? She is adorable and very snuggly . I just didn 't think I would ever want one for myself and well , I do , someday when Maisy isn 't here anymore . Not much happening this evening except hanging out watching TV . I don 't feel like cleaning the kitchen right now so I am going to do it later , more like tomorrow or before bed . It all depends on how I feel . I do have to run the dishwasher once I clean up the dishes , but that can wait too . Thankfully , everyone in this house is really relaxed on this stuff so that is good . My student , Nick , is also going to start singing lessons next week . He is such a nice young man . He is very musical . Mary and Dan are back now . They had to take the entire month of February off because their mom had to work longer while the owners of her work were on vacation . I am glad they are back . Dan is excited about what I am planning to do for my birthday . I am planning to meet up with the students at the baskin robbins ice cream place . It will be a fun afternoon . It will also be on the 6th instead of the 8th since my birthday is on a Monday so we can 't go then . In 2 weeks is Calli 's 13th birthday . I can 't believe it is coming up so soon . It is just way too fast . She has a cheer competition on her actual birthday so I am not sure when we will be celebrating her entrance into becoming a teenager . It seems like yesterday at times that she was just turning 10 . Acer is now 8 and that also seems so impossible . I have been taking safflower oil and CLA with safflower oil for over a month now . I am not sure if they are helping , but my pajamas seem to be a bit bigger and so do some of my pants so I am hopeful that it is helping . I also have started taking the new headache medicine so I am hoping that will help with overall feeling somewhat better . I did read today that they may have found a blood test to see if you have Fibro or not . It isn 't something I am interested in taking as I know I have it but it will be helpful in the future for those who are unsure whether or not they have fibro or not . It is a good diagnostic tool for the future use . With the question for some of whether or not fibro is real or not , this will put some minds at ease both within the medical profession and the patients . I am fortunate that most of the people I know do not doubt me nor do they question me about it so I am lucky in that way . I do have people who can 't handle that I am sick and I will not get better . I know that so I don 't really worry about it . I don 't see him much so it doesn 't matter anyway . Next Monday , I am going to an educational conference on the new research that is being done on Fibro . Some of it is being done in Michigan at the U of M research facility . I haven 't been to any conferences in a long time so it will be good to catch up on what is going on in the fibro world research wise . Robin is hoping to go . I don 't know if Tillie and Maia are going . I am not going to call and remind them about it because the last time I spoke to Tillie and Maia , I was getting completely yelled at so I am not interested in repeating that experience . I told them about it so it is up to them to remember and go . I would be meeting them there anyway so it isn 't like they would have to drive all the way out here before we go . It has been a good day despite the extra soreness , even my hair hurts tonight and it has all day . I slept until 2 pm this afternoon . I was just so exhausted , I tried to get up , I just couldn 't . I am hoping tomorrow will be better as I have a few errands to do . I need to return a package to target , go to the bank , pick up some music , and get gas . I need to get a new CD for the Musical Theatre Anthology Vol 2 for Mezzo / Alto because I can 't find the CDs that I am sure I have somewhere . I also need to get the prescriptions that are ready to be picked up too . I plan to be up at the regular time so that I will be able to finish all the errands I need to run . Maisy was so cute tonight . She was left here tonight while Calli , Acer , and Heather went to cheer practice . There really isn 't any place for the little girl to go while the kids are practicing . Mostly she was okay . She likes Isaac especially because he gave her treats . Sam is a bit afraid of her but Rahul is not . Both boys had their lessons this evening . They are so sweet and cute . Sam is a bit sillier at times than Rahul but Rahul can get silly . Rahul is doing much better . Rahul is going to play " Jesus Loves Me " for the spring concert . I can 't remember what song Sam is playing . His dad switched cars with their mom and the books were in the other car . Rachel had her lesson . She is ready to start level 2 . I love how her grandmother always gives me the money ahead of time so I have it . I will pick up her music tomorrow too . Isaac is doing really well on his " Who Am I " from Les Miserables . He is playing it on the piano . He is also singing " Empty Chairs and Empty Tables " from the same play . He sings it very well . Isaac is a good singer . I finally have ink for the scanner / copier . It has been several weeks since it ran out of ink so tomorrow Sammy can copy her music that she needs to copy and put in her binder . I also will be able to have Allison copy her music for her binder too . I will be copying the CDs I get tomorrow for Allison . She is singing " I Dreamed a Dream " from , you guessed it ! Les Miserables ! Natalie also wants to sing " On My Own " . Since she is almost 13 , she can . I don 't generally let anyone under 13 sing love songs but she is so close to being 13 , it is okay . Robyn is going to start with the Young Singer book this week . I looked everywhere for that book and I couldn 't find it anywhere . I found it yesterday in the living room just like I expected . It was on the tea table next to the chair I like to sleep in . It is very comfortable for me . I have a hard time with the sofas at time but with the chair , it isn 't a problem . I have a new student on Saturday , Jennifer . She is a singer . I also have a meeting with a young lady named Megan on Saturday . She wants to meet with me first , which since she said so right at the beginning of our communication , I don 't mind . I only become upset if I don 't know that is what the student or potential student wants . Jennifer wants to sing with her church choir . It is nice that when I have a student quit , another one starts . This keeps the balance for me and I need that . Sometimes , it seems I have a lot of new students because I don 't often mention the ones that have quit . My handsome young man , Laith , is having his last month of lessons . He is moving and it is going to be too far for him to come to me . I am asking some of my friends for recommendations for teachers in his area . He is a good pianist and it would be sad to have him quit . Aubrey is almost done with her books . She is doing amazing . She has blasted through levels 1A , 1B , 2 , and almost 3 in just over a year . She started in December 2011 between Christmas and New Years . She is also 8 , freshly turned 8 . This is very unusual especially as she is not in the prep books for the younger students . I started her in the regular series that I use for students who are 7 and above when they start . Her mother said she reads very well , which is why I chose to put her in that book and she has just done really well with it . Her two younger sisters also play piano . They are in level C and they are 6 . They just turned 6 . They are twins and they are so sweet and do very well also . Brooke seems to like practicing better than Jillian , but they both practice . I owe Aubrey a $ 10 gift certificate as well as Laith and Sarah . Speaking of Laith , I need to get a gift certificate for Club Penguin . I better do this now . the last of the furniture that needed to move is officially gone . Karlyn now has a formal living room set , a bed frame and headboard for a twin bed , and a stair climber . She seemed very happy about that . Her younger brother and his friend , Hans came to take care of it . Bill helped too . The kids are downstairs playing and Heather is upstairs , possibly sleeping . She hasn 't been feeling these past few weeks . I do hope she feels better soon . She is also super tired , something which I totally understand . Now that the other furniture is gone , we can have the rest of the stuff from the " old house " as Acer calls it come here to the " new house " . Then we can start organizing stuff . I bought 3 boxes of CD sleeves so I can change out all the CD cases to sleeves . There is just no room in the drawer anymore for the CDs with cases . I am going to be changing the cases tonight . This will help the issue of the CDs not fitting in the drawer . I am looking for a certain CD but I can 't find it anywhere and I am totally upset over this because I don 't to have to buy a new one again but I need it so I will have to do this . Acer is showing me his trumpet / saxophone toy . He gets so excited when showing me his toys . Anything musical and that young man is there in a minute . He loves music so much . I completely understand this because I love music so much too . He does think it is cool that for his lesson he just has to go to the living room . Now he has a saxophone toy . I think the majority of his toys are musical . Acer also has perfect pitch which comes in handy at times . I am watching this crazy show called Amish Mafia . It is really weird , interesting , but weird . Definitely not the usual show about the Amish . I had lunch with Robin today . It was so nice to see her . She brought me the case for my nook that I wanted . The sleeve is good , but this case is better . I can set it up to read or play games . I now have 5 types of Angry Birds games . I love that game for some reason . ( Acer is playing a game of you order something and then he builds it - it is so cute . Acer is making me a bob - it - loop . Both kids are so creative ! ) I also have a new magazine that Robin suggested . It is called what the doctor knows . I will check and see if it is interesting enough to subscribe to it . I have to contact the hospital on Monday . I need to find out if I had received the financial assistance . I hope I did for at least the ER visits that I have had . I hope to not have to go back there anytime soon . I do try to stay healthy enough . The latest visit was the infection under the skin . Something I hope to never have again . It was rather painful and well they can be rather serious so yeah , not interested in having it again . I can 't believe it is Saturday already and March 2 ! ! ! ! ! ! Where did the week go ? I got home on Sunday from competition and pretty much flopped into bed . I had to get up earlier than usual Monday , Tuesday , and Wednesday so I was rather tired . I am still really tired from competition . Tomorrow , Karlyn 's brother , Ted and his friend , Hans are coming to take the furniture out of the house and store it in Karlyn 's and Ted 's mother 's house . I am glad she can use the furniture and that this will help her . I like the furniture but it just isn 't something I can use . I would have to re - stuff the cushions and really , it isn 't for everyday use . It is company only furniture and I need everyday furniture in the living room since I have children and their parents coming for lessons . This way we will also have space for a TV downstairs too . That will be good and once we have everything sorted , it will work out much better . I am pleased with how well my 3 girls did at competition . Sarah was ill and still was able to play . She received 3rd place in piano with her classical piece , Quadrille by Haydn . I was so happy for her because this was her first piano competition ever . Natalie and Rebecca did well too . Rebecca received 1st in all 4 of her categories and Natalie came home with 2 1sts , 1 2nd , and 1 3rd . It was her first competition too . I do expect that someday both Natalie and Rebecca will be in voice open and that Sarah will be in Piano Open . The open categories are for the very advanced musicians . With how ambitious Sarah is on learning the piano , I do expect her to advanced like she has been . She is a delight to teach , simply delightful . Sarah is eager to learn and learn correctly . She takes corrections very well . I am so pleased about that . It is so lovely to work with a student that wants to learn so much . My nook had been giving me issues last night and today . I thought it was me . Well , to my surprise , it wasn 't ! Thank goodness for that ! Everything is now downloaded and ready to read . I love my nook . Kathy has an iPhone now . She has been saving her birthday and Christmas money so she finally got one . She is so excited about it . I spoke to her on the phone for a long while today . It was so sweet how excited she was about her iPhone ! Now , of course , I want one . Well , I don 't need one and I just upgraded my phone so no new phone needed for me . I love my new phone a lot . It takes pretty good pictures too . i just have to download them on the flash drive and then copy them to my computer . This is supposed to be easily done so we shall see . I am not that technically advanced at times . I have the coolest arrangement of On My Own and I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables for my students . I just have to dig out the original CDs and then copy them for the students . As a teacher , I am allowed to copy 1 copy of music and CD for each student . They cannot use it in a live performance , but for practicing they can . I have a new student starting next Saturday . Her name is Jennifer and she wants to sing in church . Kirbie had her last saxophone lesson for a while . Her dad has to take a 20 % pay cut so out goes the lessons . I am sorry as she was such a sweet girl and worked pretty hard . She needed to learn how to tongue her notes and how to slur them . Now , Kirbie is an expert at those techniques . Kirbie also was fun to teach . Her mom was so nice too . We went over a few musical terms that Kirbie will be needing for band class . I hope to see her in the fall when things get better for them . I didn 't have Brooklynn 's lesson today . She got the week I was at competition mixed up . I will see her on Thursday before choir . I may be a bit late , but that will be okay . We often start a few minutes late to begin with . This past week , Carolyn and I were the only sopranos at rehearsal . We sang some new songs too . I really like the music that we are doing in choir . I just hope to be able to make it to church soon . My head is usually so bad at that early in the morning that I have given up hope on being able to go to church . I hope with the new medicine , it will work . I started the new medicine last night . One of the side effects is actually weight loss . I am actually hoping to have that side effect as I manage to gain weight with every other medicine that has a weight gain as a side effect , especially Lyrica . 80 pounds in 6 months . Yup , not fair ! Wouldn 't it be nice if it was 80 pounds gone in 6 months ? That would be simply beautiful , just beautiful . So far , the new living arrangement is going quite well . Maisy is so cute . I went to take a nap the other day and she hopped up on my lap to join me . She is such a cute dog . I had no idea I would like living with 2 furbabies . Calli keeps her dog with her at all times so it isn 't like he is running around . He is pretty well behaved too . He is good with Calli who can 't sit still to save her life . He takes her moving around in stride . Maisy is very attached to Heather . She follows Heather everywhere . It is so sweet . She sleeps in the same room as Heather too . I like when Maisy comes up to me but basically , she just likes being around Heather . Acer and Calli have seemed to adapted to the new living arrangement . Acer even commented about something being at the old house so that is good that he is adjusting . Calli likes her new room . I think the bedrooms are a bit bigger but not by much . Our house looks bigger because the garage is attached . I think we 5 fit in here very well . I still have my room ( which is in need of re - organizing ! ) . I did have the option of moving into mom 's room , but I really didn 't want to because I really like my room . I am going to transfer the curtains in Heather and Bill 's room to my room . It will brighten up my room and the way their bed is , they need shorter curtains . Bill brought the light out of Calli 's old room to be placed in her new room since the light in there is hanging from the ceiling . All in all , I feel that this arrangement will really help all of us . Well , onto copying my choir music from the flash drive and then to reading before bed ! ! ! ! : ) I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
Friday mornings I volunteer in Molly 's classroom . It is their language arts block . Sometimes I help with small groups or centers . Sometimes I do a read aloud . Sometimes I am just there to be an extra pair hands to help out . This past Friday , the class was beginning the process of learning how to do their animal research reports for animal fair . The third grade Animal Fair is a big deal . Molly has been talking about it for years . There has been great anticipation as to what animal she would get to research . She knows that Shannon had the dolphin . She remembers Timmy 's eagle , and who can forget that Ryan got his favorite animal the chimpanzee . Molly was thrilled to get the wild horse . But after a few teacher guided lessons , a group of students had to finish their written narrative stories . Molly was one of them . Molly was writing her narrative about the time she broke her arm in New York . Molly said to me , " I 'm not good at endings . I always seem to be able to get my beginnings started , my middles are great , but then my middles get longer and longer because I can never come up with a great ending . I 'm not good at endings . " This stuck with me throughout the day . January is organization month for me . After Christmas , like so many others , I want to get rid of the old to make room for the new . I have cleaned out kids ' bedrooms and closets . I have organized closets and cabinets and drawers in the basement . And Molly and I have cleaned out her Barbie room in the basement as well . Yes , she has a whole room dedicated to Barbie houses and American Girl stuff . It is a place where she can set up all her stuff and close the door and the boys will leave her alone . But she was ready to get rid of some of her stuff . We have gone through every bin and we had a pile of unwanted play food and pots and pans , Pet Shop animals , and My Little Ponies . We had puzzles that she used to love and games she no longer played . We had a her first doll house and all the furniture that she did not want any more . We cleaned and we organized and we relabeled bins and her Barbie room is a little less a Barbie room today . But all that " stuff " is now sitting on the floor in the kitchen . It 's been there a while and then I realized . . . I always seem to be able to get started with an organization project , my middles are great , but I 'm not too good at endings . Endings are hard , no matter what they are . I have this pile of stuff sitting on the floor in the kitchen and after making a million decisions of what we are keeping and what we are getting rid of , my energy peters out and I am left with this pile of stuff . I look at this stuff and I remember when she used to cook with her play food and wear the chef 's hat and apron . Endings are hard . I remember when she got her first doll house of her own for Christmas because Shannon didn 't want her little sister recking her own playhouses . Endings are hard . I remember her spending hours combing and brushing and braiding her My Little Ponies manes . Endings are hard . But I push through to get to the end . I sorted through a bunch of stuff and gave away the food and the house and the ponies to Chris ' cousin who has a little girl . I sorted some more and put some stuff in the back of my car to donate . I sorted some more and looked at stuffed that really needed to be thrown away . I still have a pile of stuff , but it 's a smaller pile . Endings are hard . And even though I 'm not crying , I do get melancholy at times . But then I think about how I still have boys that will take their mother 's hand every once in a while . I still have kids that sleep with that special bear or blankey . I still have a teenager that will have a Disney movie marathon and . . . I still have alligators in the bathtub . Okay , so it 's really Tuesday , but it feels like Monday because of our snow / freezing rain day yesterday . So yesterday morning , I slept in and then finished reading Navigating Early . What a great book . I bought this book as soon as it came out . I read Clare Vanderpool 's first book Moon Over Manifest , which won the Newbery a couple of years ago . It was one of those books that the characters stay with you . I loved it . Navigating Early did not disappoint either . Amazon After finishing my book , I sat in front of the computer to watch the live stream of all the ALA Youth Media Awards . I know , I 'm a nerdy book lover . But I follow a lot of authors and librarians on twitter and most of them were predicting The One and Only Ivan to win the Newbery Award and I just had to see if it was going to win . It did . I have read lots of Newbery books and Newbery Honor books but I think this is the first time I read one before it won . I 've tried to get my kids to read it , but no takers , until yesterday . When I was on the computer watching the awards , Molly walked in and asked what I was doing . I told her and after they announced the winner . Molly said , " We have that book ! " " Because she remembers everything , Stella knows many stories . I like colorful tales with black beginnings and stormy middles and cloudless blue - sky endings . But any story will do . " Molly brought The One and Only Ivan to school today and when she jumped in the car at the end of the day , she said , " When I first met Ruby , she was scared and shy . Now that I know her , she is really quite talkative . I love her ! " Timmy is reading Breaking Stalin 's Nose . It is historical fiction and not a happy , feel good , kind of book , but it will make you grateful that we live in a United States . I knew Stalin was terrible dictator , but did not realize that 20 million people died during his rein of power . " I HATE READING , " as he yelled at me while he stomped his feet up the stairs , each stomp coinciding with each word , " I , " stomp , " HATE , " stomp , " READING , " stomp . " You NEVER will say anything to convince me that reading is good for me . . . NEVER ! " Bedroom door slams shut , end scene . Ryan is a self proclaimed non - reader . He tells me this everyday when I tell him to do his daily reading for homework . He has told me that no good as ever come from reading a book . He has told me that it 's the biggest waste of time . He has told me that reading is anti - social . What does a non - reader look like ? Well , non - readers have routines . When my non - reader comes home from school , he rolls his eyes , and his shoulders will slouch , and he drags his feet as if each foot weighs a thousand pounds while he finds his book for his daily reading . He always tells me how much he hates reading and sometimes I even get awarded for being the meanest mom in the world . This is just one thing my non - reader does . After this daily ritual , my non - reader goes to his favorite spot to read . He goes downstairs to the basement and he snuggles into his spot on the couch where he reads each day . My non - reader will come up the stairs half an hour later and say , " Mom , you want to hear what just happened in my book ? " He will precede to tell me in detail about the characters , the plot , and what he thinks will happen next . My non - reader will reread a book that he " hates " to read and finish it in three days . He will then move on to the second book in the series . My non - reader keeps track of his reading . He can tell you how many books he has read since the beginning of the school year , he can tell you that he is on his third book for the month of January . He can tell you that his teacher has set a reading goal for the class to get to by the end of the school year and he checks his list every time he finishes another book . School will let out soon . I will pick up Ryan and Molly in carline . They will tell me about their day and then have an afternoon snack . Then it will be time to read . I might be told I 'm the meanest mom in the world . . . again . I may be told that no good ever came from reading . . . again . Or I might just hear I don 't like to read like you do . . . again . I 'll tell him that I accept my award . I 'll tell him that he is entitled to his opinions about reading but it is part of his homework so he does have to do it . I once even told him to research and back - up his statement about " no good has ever come from reading " and we could debate the two sides . But what I try to do more than anything is listen . I listen to his excitement when he gets to a good part in a book that he didn 't want to read . I listen to his opinions and point of views and acknowledge to him that he is a " hater " of reading . I listen when he tells me his reasons why he didn 't like a book and I listen when he tells me why another book might just be " okay " even though I know he loved it . When Shannon was little , I found someone in the neighborhood that was giving piano lessons . Her teacher was a teenager and Shannon was in second grade . Shannon liked her and didn 't give me a hard time about lessons . But eventually , her teacher stopped giving lessons and went off to college and we had to find someone new . Shannon 's teacher gave us a list of people she knew in the area that were giving lessons . So I called and Shannon started taking lessons from her second piano teacher . He was a teenage boy and his and Shannon 's personalities didn 't really match and gradually Shannon lost interest in piano . She didn 't want to take lessons any more . So she stopped . I wanted her to continue . I 've read so many articles about how music is good for children 's math skills . But put that aside , just being able to create music is something that will stay with you for life . I loved the idea of music being created in the house . But as a mom , you have to pick and choose your battles . And there are many . So the keyboard she had remanded quiet . But then , a number of years later , Shannon asked for a keyboard for her birthday . The small inexpensive one was long gone . It had been moved to the basement and I 'm pretty sure one of the boys pulled on a cord too hard or turned a switch with too much force and it had stopped working . Now Shannon wanted a good one , an expensive one . The deal was that she had to take lessons again . If I was going to invest a small fortune in a good keyboard , she was going to learn how to play it . She agreed . Now she goes to lessons with no arguing . She does it because she wants to . We found a piano teacher that is a teacher by profession . She listens to what Shannon wants to learn how to play , not just the next song in the lesson book . Shannon is happy playing piano because she came to it on her own . Shannon also played and still plays soccer . She had played for a number of years and she had a coach that she had loved during that time . We even switched soccer leagues to stay with him as well as a great group of girls . But then he tragically died and Shannon wanted to take a break from soccer . It was very understandable . She had had the same coach and she played with the same group of girls for a number of seasons . If she played again , not only would she not have the same coach , but she would be with a new group of girls . She wasn 't ready for that . So she stopped . But then one day , Shannon said that she wanted to play again . She missed soccer . We talked about what league to sign up for and that we wouldn 't know what team she would end up on or who would be on her team . She understood and so we signed up . She ended up with a few of her friends from that original team as well as another great coach . Shannon stayed with that team until she moved to travel . Shannon was happy because she came back to soccer on her own . Chris and I were both raised Catholic . I went to Catholic school for 12 years and Chris ' mom was the director of her parish 's CCD program for about 25 years . Chris also has a sister that became a nun . When we were little , we both went to church every week and we both had parents that , when on vacation , would find a Catholic Church so not to miss a week . Fast forward a number of years when Chris and I now have a family . We joined our community Catholic Church , signed the kids up for Sunday School and went to Church every week . When the kids were little , the kids were up early anyway , one of us would take the older ones to church while the other would stay home with the babies . We would switch off each week and that was our routine for years until the kids got older and started going to CCD during the week . Then we started going to church on Saturday night . It really was perfect . We would go to church , then have dinner , and then sleep in on Sunday morning . Fast forward again , and now my kids have travel soccer games and travel basketball and tournaments and they could be late on Saturday night or early on Sunday morning and we haven 't been going to church on a regular basis . I would do my best to get us there , but the reality of it all is I was alone in this battle . I battle with the kids every Monday to go to their CCD classes . I would hear moans and groans from them when I told them we were going to church and Chris is more in the camp of you can pray anywhere and doesn 't have the need to go to church . As much as I agree with Chris that you can pray anywhere , I also believe that as parents , it is our job to share our faith with our children and there is something to be said about routine and doing something every week and sitting quietly in church away from soccer and basketball and homework and housework and just sitting quietly . There is something about being still and quiet in church that I think is hard to find in our crazy , chaotic but wonderful life . But I was tired of battling this battle alone . I was tired and so I stopped looking at the soccer schedule and basketball schedule to figure out when we could get to mass . I was tired of being the only one fighting this battle . I was just tired and so we stopped going to church and we slept in on Sunday . I didn 't tell them we weren 't going . It was more of a gradual thing and an all at once kind of thing at theThe kids still go to CCD , Molly has made her First Holy Communion , Shannon was just Confirmed but we weren 't going to church . But then this weekend Shannon made a comment that we don 't go to church anymore . I told her I think about it every week but it became such a battle with you guys I kind of gave up . Timmy over heard this and said I think about church every weekend too . I asked Shannon if she wanted to go . She said yes . Timmy said he wanted to go as well . I told Shannon that Ryan had a basketball game Saturday night and she had soccer training at 10 : 30 Sunday morning so if she wanted to go she would have to get up early and we could go to the 8 : 45 mass . She said yes . Timmy was hesitant about having to get up early . I didn 't push it . That night I found this sticky note on my door from Shannon . So I set my alarm and got up to get ready for church . I walked down to Shannon 's room and she was up getting ready as well . I walked into Timmy 's room just to let him know that we were going if he wanted to go with us . He rolled over and moaned but in the end , he got up to come with us . Then when I walked back to my room , Chris was up . I asked him what he was doing . He said he was going to come to church with us . I said , " Well , if you 're coming , then Molly and Ryan need to come too . " Now , when Shannon said that she wanted to go to church . I was secretly jumping for joy inside . She had come back to it on her own just like piano , just like soccer . The guilt I felt of not going to church for so long didn 't feel so bad any more . But now , the whole picture was about to change . I was going to have to wake up Ryan and Molly and it wasn 't going to be pretty . Ryan did his usual moaning and groaning and sulking and complaining but did get up and got dressed . Molly on the other hand , my sweet , " Yes , Mom , " " Okay , Mom , " " I love you , Mom , " must have still been sleeping because the girl that was screaming and yelling was not my Molly . " Shannon , this is all your fault , just because YOU wanted to go to church , look what you 've done ! ! ! ! Now we all have to go ! Sunday mornings are suppose to be MAGICAL because we get to sleep in , well Mom , you just KILLED the MAGIC ! ! ! ! ! " I kid you not , I 'm a magic killer . What was I doing ? ! ? ! This is why we didn 't go to church anymore . I was right back to where I left off those many months before . I almost walked out with just Shannon and Timmy , but Chris , my " you can pray anywhere " guy said , " No " and helped get everyone into the car . We went to church this past Sunday as a family . I sat there exhausted from my morning and thinking about how I am a magic killer . But then I also starting thinking about Shannon with her piano and how she came back to it , and then soccer , she came back to it , and how maybe , just maybe we as parents might need to step back sometimes and let them make their own choices , and hope and pray that we have guided them well . As I sat there , hoping and praying for guidance and patience , my family all together , Molly 's head nestled into me , despite me being a magic killer , Molly leans over to me and whispers , " Can we leave after the halftime show ? " " Halftime show ? What do you mean ? " as I looked at her puzzled . " You know , when we get up to get communion and they start playing the music , you know , the halftime show ? " Okay , I guess this girl has watched too many of her brothers ' basketball games and football games , and there has been too much football playoff games on TV this weekend . And that 's when I thought , this is messy glory . You got to get through the messy to get to the glory . And even though our morning wasn 't perfect , it was good . This past week , I 've spending a lot of time on Amazon searching for books . Molly and I went to the book store yesterday in search of books . I 've been reading blog posts and twitter updates in search of books . In November , our dear elementary school principal , Mrs . Hwang died in an accident . My neighbor and good friend sent out an email to our immediate neighborhood of three cul de sacs for donations for flowers or to make a donation in her name . After many emails going back and forth , there was a consensus that the money should go toward something a bit longer lasting than flowers and to something that was dear to Mrs . Hwang 's heart , books . So I 've been working with our school librarian and searching in bookstores and online for books for our neighborhood donation to the school library . It 's still a work in progress , but once it 's finalized , I 'll post the book titles . I hope to finish Capture the Flag today or tomorrow and pass it on to Timmy or Ryan . It reminds me of the National Treasure movies . There is a national treasure that is stolen , the Star - Spangled Banner Flag , there is a secret society , but it is kids that are stuck in the airport in Washington D . C . that are trying to solve the mystery . This picture book was out on my dresser because Ryan was doing a project on Lou Gehrig 's Disease . Timmy saw it and asked , " How could he possibly be " the luckiest man , " he died young , he couldn 't play baseball , how is that lucky ? I said , " Read the book . " So he did . Molly is reading : The Nealons have read 7 books toward our goal of 40 books by spring break . I count everything they read . If it 's a reread , I count it , if it 's a picture book , I count it . It all counts . It 's a new year and time for new reading goals . Last year I discovered the goodread widget that you can add to your blog . In September , I added it and set it at 40 books . That was our family goal . Our goal was to read 40 books as a family before Christmas . We read 48 ! I set a family reading goal for the first time last summer . Our goal then was also to read 40 books by the end of the summer . I told them if we made our goal then we would go to Great Wolf Lodge . I know , a complete bribe , but you know what , it worked . I few years ago , I read Donalyn Miller 's book The Book Whisperer . Her book completely changed my way of thinking about how to get kids to read and how to get them to become readers for life . Because of her book , I 've been reading more children 's literature , picture books , middle school books , and YA books and it makes all the difference in the world because now I can say , " I read this book and thought of you . I think you will like it . " I can talk with my kids when they are reading a book and I know exactly what they are talking about because I have read the book . I can ask them specific questions about the characters and make connections with them , " When that happened in the story it reminded me of the time it happened to us . " Donalyn Miller sets a goal for her students to read 40 books at the beginning of the year . This sounds like a lot , but with the right guidance , with the right conversations , with the right books in hand , students can do it . Last week , I read this great blog post about What Counts As Reading ? This is a lesson that I have had to learn as well . I have come to learn that it 's okay for Molly to read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books . They count ! It 's okay for her to read the Dan Gutman series My Weird School even though they are below her level and she can read a book in a day . They count ! It 's okay that Timmy just found the Origami Yoda series and they are also below his reading level . They count ! And it 's okay that Ryan once in a while will read a picture book for his 30 minutes of reading time . They count ! Kids need to know that they have some say in what they choose to read . They also need to know that we value their choices . But by me reading lots of kidlit myself and being aware of the books that they do choose , I can make recommendations for them to read more books . After reading the book Wonder , I recommended it to Timmy . It sat in his room for a while . He said that he read the first two chapters and it didn 't interest him . But then , something happened at school and I wanted Timmy to read it because Wonder has a theme of choice kindness over being a bully . He was reluctant at first but then started to read and read and read and after only two days he had reached the end . During those two days , he sat in the family room and read while I cooked dinner . " Mom , I can 't believe those kids did that ! " While I put a load of laundry in the washer , Timmy would say , " I 'm up to the part when . . . " While I helped Molly with her homework , Timmy would express his disbelieve by the cruelty of some people in this world . And when he got to the end , he said , " You were right mom , that was a great book ! " Right now the Nealons are reading : Christmas is over , birthday celebrations are done , and January organizing is in full swing . This year , I had a sense of " just getting through " the holidays . Then after Christmas , I got sick which always drains you of all motivation and energy . But yesterday , I was feeling pretty good and decided to tackle Molly 's room . Her room is the smallest room in the house . Even if there are only a few things out of place , her room looks messy because it really is just such a small space . I reorganized it last year . She wanted an update . She had the same decor since she was born so she picked out her wall color and bedding and then I decided to have a desk put together for her using Ikea book shelves . I got the idea from iheartorganizing . You can see her button to her website to the right . Here are pics of Molly 's room makeover from last year . I love the turquoise that she picked out . But here is the problem . Molly has a lot of stuff stuffed into this small , little room . Yesterday , I didn 't think it was going to be an all day project to straighten up her room . But as I pulled out each drawer , each basket , each bin , there was more and more stuff . Here 's the other problem . I 'm a bit of a perfectionist at times . . . an unsuccessful perfectionist . Chris and I have had battles over this . I feel if I 'm going to spend my time cleaning , I might as well do it right . Once I was cleaning the study and I was going through piles and piles of papers . . . sorting . . . throw away pile , file away pile , bills pile , school papers pile , and it keeps on going . The study was covered with papers . In my eyes an organized chaos . Then it was time to pick up the kids , bring them to all their activities , help with homework , make dinner , you know , all that mom stuff that we do everyday . Well , Chris came home , saw the " mess " all over the floor and decided to clean it up . The study looked great when he was done , there were no papers on the floor , they were all back in one neat pile . But they still weren 't sorted and he had undone hours of work that I had done . I try to tell him that sometimes you have to get through the messy to get to the glory but he really hates the messy part . Now , again , I don 't like messy either . It drives me crazy when I organize the kids ' rooms and their closets and their stuff in the basement and their cubbies in the garage and everything is labeled and they know where everything is suppose to go and we have family meetings about putting their stuff away and picking up after themselves as well as each other because we are a family and we should help each other out and that the word " mom " is not another word for " maid " and on and on and on ! ! ! ! ! It drives me crazy when I put all this effort into trying to make it as easy as possible for them to put their stuff away and they don 't . But yesterday morning , I started my day with going through some emails . I had a huge amount since I didn 't go through them over Christmas break . I subscribe to Gretchen Rubin 's emails from The Happiness Project and I opened one yesterday with this picture . The night before , I was reading See You at Harry 's , a YA book that will rip your heart out . The main character is a 12 year old girl named Fern , named after Fern in Charlotte 's Web . She is talking with her friend , Ran , who has a mantra of " all will be well . " It is at a time in the story that " all is not well " and Ran tells Fern , But the whole thing was a scam , " Ran says . " It was just some stupid thing to say to make me believe life isn 't unfair . And just when I thought life was perfect , it became unbearable again . " I think of all the times Ran has said those words to me . He said them like they were a fact . I always secretly loved when he said them because I thought if anyone knew how things were going to turn out , it would be Ran . There was that word perfect again . I actually looked up the word perfect . Perfect means excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement . The words " beyond improvement " sat with me and I thought there is nothing that we cannot improve . There is always something that we can do to make things better . Whether it is ourselves , our relationships , situations around us , nothing is beyond improvement . So yesterday after checking emails , I moved upstairs to tackle Molly 's room . Again , I did not think it was going to turn into an all day job . I started cleaning and sorting and I was in the mist of " messy glory . " I couldn 't even walk in her room because everything was on the floor . I was getting frustrated . I began to realize this wasn 't going to be a quick clean up . My companions for the day weren 't much help . That frustration of all that work from last year , of all the bins and the labels and the organizing had gone to waste once again was bubbling up inside of me and then I found this . This water stained , crumpled , wrinkled piece of paper with all her " stuff . " I had found the " glory " in all that " mess " and it was worth it . Every kid should feel like their family is the best . I love that she wrote " They are " with an arrow just in case you don 't know who the Nealons are . Wow , I haven 't posted anything since November . December is always a crazy busy month , but this year I seemed to be in the mode of just getting through each day . I hate feeling like that , but the last few months of 2012 weren 't exactly joyful . The end of October and beginning of November were filled with worry for our families in New York as Hurricane Sandy hit them hard . It took two weeks for most of them to have power restored , but during that time there were four hour gas lines , many businesses were on a cash only system , and even though all of their homes were safe , they all have their stories of friends and neighbors that lost so much . Then November brought the sad news on Thanksgiving night that our dear principal , Mrs . Hwang , was hit by a car and was killed . I wept for her loss , for the principal who always had time to listen to any concerns or ideas that I had to share , for the children of Sanders Corner who would not see her standing in her usual spot to greet them each morning , and for the family that she loved so very much . So now after reflecting on 2012 , I am ready to move forward . I have tried to make New Year 's resolutions in the past . I have read Gretchen Rubin 's Happiness Project and Happier at Home . She talks about resolutions and how they need to be measured . You can 't say " I 'm going to get more sleep , " but you can say , " I will go to bed at 10 : 30 . " You can 't say , " I will exercise more , " but you can say , " I will go for a walk at least four times a week . " But another way to embrace the new year is to pick a word . A word that reminds you of what is important in life , a word that reminds you of what you want , a word that reminds you of those resolutions and goals . Last year , I picked the word enhance . This year my word is embrace . Right now I just want to hold on tight to my kids and never let go . I wish I could surround them with bubble wrap , keep them safe and protect them from any harm . But since I can 't do that , I will embrace them each and everyday . I 'll help guide them to help them make good choices and surround them with love , so that they know what it feels like to be accepted , so that they can do that for others . I need to be more willing and eager to take on new adventures , try new things , take more risks , and embrace the changes in our lives . Life is not perfect and I don 't know what lies ahead for us this year , but whatever it is , I will embrace each moment , I will embrace each new thing , I will embrace each adventure . Because when it comes right down to it , I have everything I need . . . what I need comes home from school and then from work each day , we will sit at the dinner table and share our days , they will climb into their beds and I will kiss them goodnight , and that is all that I need . Today , I will embrace 2013 with the celebration of Ryan 's birthday . He is my snuggler , my hugger , and I just love his embraces . " When they had eventually calmed down a bit , and had gotten home , Mr . Duncan put the magic pebble in an iron safe . Some day they might want to use it , but really , for now , what more could they wish for ? They had all that they wanted . " I am a mom with four kids , two girls and two boys . I try to live by the words of Gretchen Rubin , " What you do everyday matters more than what you do once in a while . " One of my favorite things is the sound of one of my kids sitting in a bathtub by themselves in the mist of a great battle between the alligators and sharks . Sometimes there are mermaids that meet up with a school of dolphins and sometimes there are ships fighting to stay afloat during a treacherous storm . These moments are fleeting . My kids are not babies anymore . Baths will give way to showers very soon , but at this moment I have alligators in the bathtub . |
I didn 't feel this way when I moved away from home when I was twenty - two . I didn 't feel this way when I followed Mike out to the Pacific Northwest . I didn 't feel this way when I married him either . I felt really solid with those decisions . Good thing too . I did feel out of sorts and overwhelmed when Nickie was born . I wondered just how I was going to take care of this little being , but I never once remember thinking I needed the 30 - day escape clause on that contract . Today , I wanted that escape clause , that one like I used when I spent $ 500 on cheap dinnerware I didn 't like because the salesman was so good . The buyers remorse was strong with that purchase . I woke up as if I had a hangover . What did a single girl in her twenties need with an eight place china setting with a platter and a gravy boat ? Really ? Just what did we get ourselves into when we brought Teddy home last Sunday ? Mike is still struggling with sleep issues . In the last month , I have just moved out of the grief stage of his illness and into managing the things he couldn 't . The house looked pretty good . The yard was improving . I was cooking meals and actually having time for myself now and then . I even finished a quilt top . I was a little lonely though too . I needed more exercise than I was getting and I had to love on other peoples ' dogs to fill that space like the fool that I am . A lady came up to me in the dark on Friday night and said she badly needed a dog and I knew just how she felt . I guess I really was ready . Nick was ready too . He 's been slowly taking up the mantle of care for this puppy he picked . Oh , don 't get me wrong - Mike and I are doing most of the work . It doesn 't help that Nick is afraid of Teddy 's sharp little teeth and that Teddy is nippy , as a puppy usually is . Nick 's bond isn 't strong yet , but I expected him to have doubts when reality set in . Going to Dairy Queen today helped . Nick laughed so much as Teddy ate the cone he held out . Teddy already loves Nick and Nick loves Teddy too , mostly when he 's asleep . The walk after theI miss being in my own bed too . Mike reminded me that it would be a few months before I could bring Teddy 's crate upstairs . They told us that a dog can wait to go outside about one hour for every month of his life . That 's why Teddy can wait in his crate about two and a half hours now . That 's four more months , at least ! Plus , there 's everything that goes with training a dog not to destroy our house . We need to train Teddy not to trip us with his leash . We have to keep him from herding the cats . We need to give him jobs and keep him occupied . What will I do when someone gets sick and we can 't go for that long walk ? I hadn 't thought of that . Oh , it 's a wonder anyone keeps a puppy . Are we too busy , too overwhelmed by our own activities , struggling too much with our illnesses to take good care of a dog ? We may be , but after our walk , Nick was chattering to Mike about what Teddy was doing with his ice cream as Mike sat on the couch with Teddy 's sleepy head in his lap . We won 't be perfect dog parents , but we 'll muddle along . It 's too late to go back on that promise , not to the shelter . I 'm talking about the promise we made to Teddy , the day we looked in his eyes and said we were bringing him home . Thank you for listening , jb Being out and about with a puppy is a bit like being the princess at the ball . Everybody , and I mean everybody , wants to stop and chat , well , and pet the fuzzy little puppy too . It 's gotten so that Teddy stops at every group of people so that they can admire , pet , and feed him the treats that I provide . Teddy loves children too , and runs with even more enthusiasm when he sees them . Karate practice is a huge hit for him . When I 'm out with him , I forget about how many messes I 've already cleaned up and how little sleep I 'm getting . Nick forgets how he nips and how quickly he needs to take him outside , in the drizzling rain , after he eats . This really is going well . It helps that I 'm crate - training him tonight rather than putting him in the downstairs bathroom like I did the first few nights . Oh , I was still in there with him every few hours , but he wailed as though he was dying when I left . It was awful . Separation from his pack was a true punishment . We were both crying over it . I 've gotten him used to the crate by feeding him in it and taking him on lots of rides to get to short walks . We 'll have to work on the length of walk he can manage . It feels like his walks are more of carries . My jacket is getting kind of stretched out in the damp weather with him in there . He is only a little guy after all . I 'm kind of excited about that though , because the walks won 't be such a shock to Nick and we 'll all be healthier for it as Teddy grows . I have the crate on the desk in our guest room and the guest bed all made up with my pillows and nice sheets . Teddy can see me and is settling in after a short round of crying . I 'm hoping that will abate as he feels more confident about staying with me . It 's too bad my mattress feels like a concrete slab . So Teddy 's acting pretty comfortable with Seth 's crate . It won 't be long before he 's too big for it , but for now , he 's snug as a bug in a rug and I 'm trying to get some sleep before the next round of going outside . Thank you for listening , jb I have done six loads of laundry in the past two days . I 've stood outside at 3 : 00 am in the drizzling rain . I haven 't slept well . I 've been up and down , saying , " No bite , " or " No chase , " or " Uh oh ! " This riddle isn 't too hard to solve . We have a new puppy in the house . Oh , don 't get me wrong . I wanted a dog . I 've wanted a dog for the past five years . I had to make do with loving other people 's dogs whenever we crossed paths . See , our last dog , Sophie , died in a tragic accident and Mike held himself responsible . Before that , we 'd had a dog , Indiana , that we 're still talking about , the one who came with us on our honeymoon . Both of these dogs were very special . Sophie was my sweet dog and Indiana was Mike 's lifetime dog . On Sunday , we went to an adoption fair , expecting to begin to look at dogs . Nick wanted to have his own dog , so we had told him that he would get to pick the next one . Well , we had veto power if we thought it might not fit our family , but basically this dog would be his . We walked out of that fair with a two - month old Golden Aussie mix . Oh my God , he 's cute . He 's blonde and looks like a classic Golden Retriever except for his fuzzy fur and eyes that are a little rheumy . He 's smaller than both cats , which is good since they can still give him the what for if he chases them . We 've got to nip that in the bud since he 'll try herding them like sheep . No , honey , we don 't have any sheep for you . Nick wanted to name him Spike , but we vetoed that and let him have his second choice , Teddy . Teddy is a sweet boy who , when he 's already a little tired , will immediately fall asleep if you rub his belly . I tried to take him for a walk today , but he ended up zipped into my jacket after a few hundred feet . That distance will grow quickly and that 's what I 'm counting on , for Nick , Mike , and I need to get some walking time . Still , it was nice to get out for a bit and meet other dogs and their people . Teddy drew quite a few admirers already . Who doesn 't love a puppy ? We 're working on house training , cat manners , and the basic differences between wrestling with your brothers and playing with people . Seth and Buddy , seem to have accepted Teddy much better than I expected . I 'm sure it helps that he 's small and we aren 't letting him chase them . Today , I sat with a sleeping puppy cuddled up next to me and Buddy jumped into my lap . Teddy woke up enough to see him there , put his nose into Buddy 's soft fur , snuffled , and sighed a happy sigh . I know the poor boy misses his brother and sister , so it was a good moment , a very good moment . I tell you , have needed a dog for so long now and Nick says that he feels very lucky . Teddy loves to snuggle with him and play with him in the yard even though he has to stay on his leash because of the busy road out front . I have so much to do this week , but I 'm looking forward to telling Teddy , " Want to go for a ride ? " and seeing his ears go up in anticipation . I hope for more puppy - pile naps with him and the cats on the couch . I 'm so grateful to have a little guy who 'll go with me on the trails during the day . I know that Nickie is going to love his dog , especially when he 's house trained and can go into Nick 's bed at night , but I 'm going to love having him with me while everyone else is away at work and school . We are going to walk all over this county . Thank you for listening , jb I have been at home for the second day now , with my sick boy . Sometimes I 'm not sure if I 'm actually catching his virus too or if I 'm just feeling the empathy just a little too deeply . It usually becomes evident if I do have it . You know , my nose runs and I sneeze all over the place . Nick sounds like he 's barking . It 's time for him to go to the doctor . I hate feeling as if we 're at the beginning of one of those nasty runs , the ones for which my adrenaline rises just talking about it too long , the ones that are about my job of keeping him breathing at 4am after three or four days of not sleeping . Have I ever told you how hard that is ? Well , yeah . I guess I have . You 'd think that after two days of just being home , I 'd be caught up on things like housework . You 'd think . Nope , when Nickie is sick , I sit on the couch with him , sleeping when I can and watching reruns of iCarly and Spongebob . Nick is into a whole new kind of animation these days . Did I already complain about that ? You know , the shows with the intentionally ugly animation ? I did ? Sorry . I really hate those shows because they aren 't just visually ugly . They 're psychologically ugly too . Maybe it 's a boy thing , that he likes them . Maybe it satisfies some budding need to turn me away from him . Nick doesn 't mind that I grab my book during those shows and phase out , but he wants me to stay close . I 'm cruising through the list of banned books that I 'd gotten from the library . A lot of them are young adult books , but I 've enjoyed them anyway . I appreciated the courage of the main character in ' The Earth , My Butt , and Other Big Round Things ' by Carolyn Mackler . If I had a girl , I 'd have her read it . I don 't hold any hope that Nick might read it , but I wish he would since it has some good lessons about sizeism . You know , I hate that word , sizeism . It 's just so awkward , but we have to have a word for the awful thing that people do to each other and themselves in the name of hating body fat . I also read ' The Chocolate War ' by Robert Gorimer . This was an intense book about about hazing at a Catholic school . It didn 't follow the classic fairy tale arc , so it was hard to accept the emotions that came with reading it , but it was so compelling , I couldn 't put it down . What a story ! This fiction reads like nonfiction and Gorimer has an amazing grasp of the psychology of dialog . Whew ! I 'll have to get another book or two of his from the library . I could see how these books became challenged , probably in a high school curriculum . Parents didn 't want their high school kids reading about sexual feelings . Holy cow , don 't these people know that kids are out there doing all that and need to read about it because it 's real life ? I 'm notSometimes , I try to read the classics that I missed as a result of studying engineering instead of liberal arts . Occasionally , I love the books , or parts of them . It was fascinating to learn how a whaling ship actually rendered the fat of the whale before coming into port . But , I 'll tell you that I checked out ' Moby Dick ' three times before I got through all of those disks . With other classics , I figure I 'd appreciate the book more if I were in a class where relevant connections or changes in language could be pointed out . I 'm trying anyway . Right now , I 'm listening to Thomas Pynchon 's ' Inherent Vice . ' What a crazy wonderful book ! It 's only slow going because I can 't leave it on when Nick and Adrian get home from school . It isn 't actually worse than what they 've seen on television , but drugs are thrown around in a funny way in the book . I can appreciate the humor of an LSD trip in text without ever wanting to experience it in real life . I doubt eleven - year - olds are ready for that kind of discrimination . I 'm also moving through it slowly because the language is so rich that I 'm backing up to repeat good parts more than I usually do when listening to a book . So , read on ! Banned books week may be over , but if you read more banned books , you ensure that you retain some of your freedoms the other 51 weeks of the year . There are banned books for every reader , from serious to Maruice Sendak . I 'm not kidding . Maurice Sendak has a banned book . Isn 't that sad ? By 7 : 56 this morning , a Saturday , I was sitting in the gym at North Seattle Community College . The noise from the crowd already indicated a level of excitement for the day to come . I was there by myself , attending the Chief Seattle Council 2011 Program and Training Conference . There was every kind of person waiting for the opening ceremony . I 'd like to have talked to some of the older men , the ones who may have spent thirty years or more as Scout Leaders . I 'd like to have heard their stories . I 'm glad that Mike encouraged me to sign up fun stuff . I decided on a class about safe wilderness outings , new scout orientation , kayaks and canoes , and skits and songs . It was a good day . I came home , wanting to tell Mike as much as I could about the good ideas I 'd heard . I learned about a troop that , instead of focusing on achieving Eagle Scout , rewarded instead , the boys who had camped more than 100 nights in the wilderness . The presenter said that it wasn 't much of a surprise that the ones who had camped this much were usually the ones that achieved Eagle anyway . The Scout Master 's theory was that any boy who 'd spent that much time out in the wilderness , getting to camp , cooking and cleaning up after himself and others , setting up a tent and sleeping in it , was prepared for what the world was going to offer him . When I close my eyes and add up trips , I can get up to about eighty nights in the wilderness . I haven 't counted car camping or sleeping in the camper that my dad bought for my mom because she hated the whole thing so much . At about eighty nights , I suppose that I 'm mostly prepared for what life will throw at me , though I have more to learn . I 'll be doing those next twenty days with Mike and Nick . I stopped by at the Dutch oven station between classes and talked to the woman there . I found out that I needed to store Mike 's Dutch ovens with a paper towel across one side , holding the lid up just a bit , so that they wouldn 't get rancid as quickly . Other than that , the woman said I was doing it right . Cool ! She also said that she 'd just read that the best oil for seasoning them was flax seed oil . I can give that a shot . I 'd been using lard , but apparently the polymerization isn 't as complete with lard . I like when chemistry crosses into camping . Today , I learned where we can rent canoes in the area , but what I 'm worried about is how I 'll do trying to sleep out on the ground at night when I haven 't done that in a while . Will my cranky old bones get used to it after a couple of nights ? As the men told their stories about their trips and showed their photos , I started to feel that old ache to be out on the water again . When the man asked if anyone had taken multiple - day trips in a canoe , I raised my hand . He said , " I imagine you have some stories to tell then . " I realized that I do . Mine are the stories of how I fell in love with Mike . Most of that happened on the water , in our canoe . Did you know that after five years of paddling with Explorer Scouts , we paddled our canoe in Maine with our dog for our honeymoon ? Oh , those were golden days and I was right there in them as I looked at these pictures of men and boys paddling on the Puget Sound . Now that I 'm home , I 'm suddenly tired . I had a good day . In February , when Nick moves from being a Cub Scout to becoming a Boy Scout , I 'll be a little more prepared . My Dutch ovens will be well seasoned , Nick and his friends will be able to practice paddling nearby , and hopefully they 'll have a safe and exciting time exploring the dizzying array of wilderness that we have all around us here in the Pacific Northwest . Thank you for listening , jb Sometimes I 'm not sure any more if I really can call myself a Christian . This is what I 've been talking to Mike about , calling it my ' crisis of faith . ' I go to church most Sunday 's . Hell , I even sing in the choir . I try not to think how hypocritical that makes me . I 'm relieved that Mother Theresa had doubts that plagued her and she still did good work . ( I want to read that book too , the one about her doubts . ) I 'm still trying to believe , still trying to do good things . I just joined a group of women that are reading a book called ' Love Wins , ' by Rob Bell . So far , I 've read the preface and we 've read the first chapter . I introduced myself at the first meeting as the person who came because I like when people read to me . So far , the book has provided me with some relief by asking what Jesus could I be rejecting , for example , the one that " is antiscience , antigay , standing out on the sidewalk with his bullhorn , telling people they are going to burn forever ? " I grew up going to church , but it has always burned me up that I was supposed to believe that anyone from another religion than mine was going to hell because they had been born to another religion and didn 't convert . Really ? What about the beauty , the common commandment to love , and the compassion that seems to be the underlying theme of any of the major religions ? My crisis is also about suffering . What about all this damn suffering ? My own little family has been struggling for months now with one thing after another . How is that about the love and compassion of God ? Is this the wrath of God ? Maybe I 'm just tired , too damn tired to write about anything except my doubts . Thank you for listening , jb There 's something to be said for dumb luck . Nick got home late tonight from an overnight trip down at Mt . St . Helens . Have you noticed that I haven 't been able to write anything in the last couple of days ? I just couldn 't do it before now . Who wants to read a blog about how I managed to distract myself while he was gone ? Okay , well , I 'll tell you anyway . Yesterday , I defrosted the freezer with my earbuds in and my iPod volume set to high . I realize that I have way too much quiet music downloaded on it . When Charles Brown sang ' I Want to Go Home , ' my heart ached , though I tried to ignore it . After Mike got home from work , we went to the Snoqualmie Casino and played blackjack for a while . People - watching at a blackjack table is my favorite thing about spending time in any casino . Las Vegas wins the prize for the greatest variety of people . I also liked that I hadn 't totally forgotten how to play . The guy to my left was hemorrhaging money by playing $ 50 a bet and betting badly . He was sitting at the table with a ' friend ' who refused to help him and laughed each time he lost another load . The dealer was slowing down and trying to help him , but this guy just needed more time and someone to teach him the rules of the game . I had a short winning streak , but it didn 't last and I walked away having lost $ 15 . I figure that 's a good price for the entertainment and a little distraction . Blackjack was much better at distracting me than defrosting the freezer . Today , I went to an optional meeting , took the cat to the vet for something he didn 't really need yet , rewrote my article for the local newspaper , and talked on the phone to another one of the lonely moms for over an hour . I sent a couple of texts to Nick 's phone even though I knew Nick wouldn 't dare turn it on since he wasn 't supposed to have a phone on the trip at all . Mike and I had insisted he take it in case of an emergency . Tonight , when Nick got off the bus , I could see that he 'd had a great time . He was bouncing and ready to tell me everything that had happened . They spent the night at Tootle High School and watched a movie about the eruption . The girls were spying on them as they settled down to go to sleep . The next day , they took a two hour hike , and spent some time at the visitor 's center . The visitor 's center at Mt . St . Helens is amazing . But there 's a dumb luck element to Nick 's story . Mike and I had spent a lot of time working with the school nurse and Nick 's teacher to work out the details of this trip . Nick has a life - threatening allergy to tree nuts and carries an EpiPen with him wherever he goes . Up until now , he hasn 't been allowed to be in the care of any adults who weren 't careful about his allergy and willing to give him an EpiPen injection if it was necessary . You 'd be surprised how many people , my well - loved sister included , who have handed him food studded with nuts despite current discussions about it . There 's another whole set of people who can 't tolerate the idea of needles . Now that he 's eleven , Nick is beginning to learn how to manage this on his own . He also carries Xopenex everywhere with him in case his asthma bothers him , like when he 's hiking . The last time Nick was in the emergency room for breathing issues from having eaten a small part of a walnut , he was three or four years old . The doctors and nurses struggled to keep his airways open . One nurse even questioned if it was safe to give him another injection of epinephrine , considering his heart rate , and the doctor barked at her that if his airways didn 't open up , his heart rate would be irrelevant . That kind of conversation kind of stays with a parent . Nick 's allergy doctor won 't test him using the usual contact method any more , saying it 's safer to test his blood instead . For this trip , the school nurse and Nick 's teacher told us that they would handle Nick 's allergy issues . We discussed how he should have his fanny pack containing his EpiPen and his inhaler with him at all times . We talked about training the people who were in charge of him . Nick 's teacher , sounding like the calm in the storm , told us that Nick would be okay , that he would help Nick to review the ingredient lists on his food . They basically told us that we had to choose between going to this overnight field trip with Nick and the three - night camp in the spring since so many other parents also wanted to go . We carefully packed Nick 's things the night Today , on the hike , if Nick 's asthma had bothered him , he would have been stuck wheezing and feeling light - headed . No one asked if he was carrying his inhaler then . His asthma isn 't as scary as his tree nut allergy , but it definitely affects how he can move upward on a hill and the inhaler makes a huge difference in how he feels . Nick carried his spare EpiPen in his pocket since he wasn 't allowed to carry his backpack in the visitor 's center . That was smart of him . He was with a woman who never asked about his EpiPen , who most likely had not even been told that he had an allergy . She should have been told where his EpiPen was and been trained how to use it . Precious minutes are lost to lack of oxygen when people try to deliver an EpiPen injection without first removing the safety cap on the opposite end . If Nick had been lying on the floor , not breathing , she might not have had any idea what was wrong , let alone that there was an EpiPen in his pocket . It would be like dying of thirst in the desert with a quart of water in your canteen . It was sheer dumb luck that Nick didn 't need his EpiPen on that bus , that he didn 't need a responsible adult to get him through an emergency the next day . We were lucky to have packed that spare EpiPen and lucky to have a boy who was smart enough to go without a meal rather than risk eating something unknown that someone else gave him . Maybe there is some kind of grace in this world , despite my doubts . I 'll tell you about those doubts someday . I 'm just happy we got our boy back , happy and tired , at the end of his field trip . Thank you for listening , jb I 'm upset . We took the Cub Scouts on a hike today . It wasn 't a long hike to Franklin Falls , but it was beautiful , so if you find yourself on I - 90 and you have some extra time , get off at Exit 47 and take a walk to the falls . There are some old growth trees there that I wish I 'd had time to really look at . I mean , these were 600 year old trees , standing right there with us . The bunch berry and deer fern looked like someone had planted them . The ravine was pretty too , and when we got to the falls , there was just enough sun to make a rainbow in the mist . So why am I upset ? There were eight boys and five adults . At the beginning , Mike talked to the boys about trail etiquette . He asked them to hike quietly so other hikers might see some wildlife . Well , I don 't think anyone expected that to happen . Ten and eleven year old boys ? Right . Then , he told them that for safety reasons , they should stay together and stop at any forks in the trail . We were only a few hundred feet down the trail when I heard the whistles go off . The boys were screaming , " Emergency ! Emergency ! " and blowing their whistles as they jumped up and down on a big rock in the river . No , the noise didn 't upset me . I expected it , in fact . Except for the ' emergency ' bit , I think that making noise outside is what boys should do . After they were done screaming and jumping on the big rock , they took off down the trail , all of them except for Nick . He walked with Mike , just ahead of me . I walked along and talked with Adrian 's mom . Now , Nick has trouble with elevation gain because of his asthma , even a little bit of elevation gain . We had given him some Xopenex and he was feeling pretty good , but he still slowed down for anything uphill . I was proud of him today . He didn 't complain much and he kept his feet moving , even when it was hard for him . And the four of us got to the falls without any problem , except for one . Near the falls , they took a fork in the trail , luckily the correct one , and were there at the falls , messing around in the water , when we arrived . Now , the safety part of staying together and not taking a fork in the trail is important for longer hikes . Since they didn 't have maps , they could have gotten lost by making that one turn on the trail . That 's not very smart when you 're hiking with a group of people and you 're not carrying a map . Still , they 're learning and they 're kids . I wish they 'd have been kids who could follow directions , but they 're kids . I don 't think even their parents understood the ramifications of them flouting this important issue when they 're hiking in the wilderness . How lost can you get in the Cascade Mountain Range ? Pretty lost . The only thing that might save you is that it 's hard to bushwhack through the forest around here . Still , some of the trails go on for miles and miles . No , that wasn 't what upset me the most . What broke my heart is that not one of the boys were friends enough with Nick to hang out with him at the back of the pack . Nick said that if it had been just him and the boys , he 'd have gone back to the car and gone home . I don 't blame him . I wanted to go home myself . I started daydreaming that they were a little older and one of the boys had his parents ' car . They were going hiking somewhere and Nick fell behind on the trail . They left him there , in the middle of nowhere and Nick had to call us to come pick him up . I could see that happening . I know that I don 't get to choose Nick 's friends these days . We 're in that awkward phase in which Mike and I still have some influence , but it 's falling away . I see myself watching how Adrian treats Nick like a best friend when they 're alone together , but sometimes he ignores Nick when the ' cool ' kids are around . Will their friendship last through very much of that ? I worry about Adrian too . If he hangs out with these kids , will he get caught up in doing something that he regrets ? I trust Nick . I really do . He has common sense . He doesn 't want to get into trouble or get hurt . When Nick and Adrian are together , I trust them too , for the most part . What I worry about is what will happen with them when they 're with people who push the limits and expect them to as well . The funny thing is that I think I already know how this daydream will play out . Nick will be slow to decide and the kids will leave him behind to do whatever they 're up to . Nick will find a way home . Adrian will stick with the crowd and run into trouble a couple of times and , hopefully , figure out that friends aren 't people who try to make you do dangerous things . I just hope Nick and Adrian 's friendship can withstand the stress of that difference between them . Both boys will eventually figure out who their real friends are and stick with them . Eventually . Oh , that 's one of the worst things about being eleven - all those years of jockeying between people to find your true friends . Okay , so I won 't know how the future is going to work out for Nick , but what I saw today hurt . It 's hard to be left behind by people you thought were your friends . It 's hard , too , to watch your boy getting left behind and there isn 't a damn thing you can do about it . Thank you for listening , jb Nick and Adrian got home from school at 1 : 45 this afternoon and are settling down for a sleepover now . Today , I 've spent the afternoon being the girl with action figures and the evening playing ' Dread Pirate . ' I won and ended the game as the dread pirate , by the way , a first for me . Argh . I had asked the boys if they wanted to go jump at the Sky High trampolines this afternoon . I 'd asked if Nick wanted to go to karate early in the evening . " No , we want to stay home , " they said each time , almost in unison . " Will you play with us ? " Nick asked . He 'd asked the same thing yesterday , but I was running behind and didn 't stop what I was doing . Today , I promised myself I wouldn 't make the same mistake again . Thirteen years ago , Mike and I said goodbye to our beloved vet , Dr . Carsch , who was selling a flourishing business . I couldn 't understand why he was getting out when the dogs loved him so well and people were flocking to his office . When we asked him why , he said , " My kids are young . You only get a few years with them , you know . " After googling him just now , I know that he 's gone back into business , helping independent vet clinics to make a better business plan . It all sounds very exciting and I can see that he 's still successful . I 'm glad that his decision paid off , but more important than that , I hope he got the time he wanted with his kids while he could . Dr . Carsch left two years before Nick was born and I 've tried not to forget what he 'd said . Even though I don 't work in an office any more , I get busy . I 'm volunteering at school and also with Cub Scouts . I have too many unfinished quilting projects . I 'm hanging out with friends , commiserating about parenting , and trying to have a nice lunch or get some exercise . I 'm in the middle of a good book . I need to cook , check my email , clean and , oh , I have all kinds of reasons I can 't play right now . Playing really is different than it used to be . When I was just an aunt , I rolled around on the floor with my nephews and niece and played like a little kid . I admit , it is harder to sit on the floor these days . I think that if I did it more regularly , it would be good for me , the same way yoga hurts until you 're done with the stretch and then you feel better . As a mom , there 's the added feeling of needing to go somewhere to be quiet once in a while . I need my quiet time , even though I 'm generally getting enough of it while everyone is off at school or work . I 've settled down into my routine and I 'm enjoying a better balance now . I 'm even looking forward to getting to my projects , so I don 't always want my time to be interrupted . On Thursday , Nick 's school had a Walkathon to raise money for teacher grants . This money does the kids a lot of good and the kids spend the afternoon getting lots of exercise . I kept telling Mike that I wasn 't going to volunteer this time . I had volunteered five years in a row and they could manage without me . I wanted my afternoon . I had a plan . Nick had been watching television during this conversation and I didn 't even think he 'd heard a word I 'd said . " Nick , do you want Momma to come to the Walkathon tomorrow ? " Mike asked . I could have kicked him . I really didn 't want him to take the decision away from me . " Mom , you could come , but you don 't have to . I 'll be okay , " Nick said . He looked very mature , but there was a look in his eyes . I tried to ignore it . I woke at my usual 4 : 15am and though I maI looked at the clock at 11 : 45 . I remembered that look in Nick 's eyes . I tried to get busy with the binding on a quilt . I looked at the clock at 12 : 07 . I looked at the fabric in front of me , the allure of it fading before my eyes as I pictured Nick 's brave facade and remembering Dr . Carsch 's words . Within the next twenty minutes , I was at the volunteer table , asking to work near the track for the older kids . In the end , Nick had walked 4 1 / 2 miles and never slowed down the time I took a break from my post and tried to walk a lap with him . At the end , he pushed himself to go six laps more than he had the year before . I was proud of him , but what made it worth going was the look on his face when all I did was show up . Thank you for listening , jb Just about time for bed , I poured myself a glass of milk and , as usual , remembered that I hadn 't given Buddy his evening pills . Now , Buddy is officially a miracle cat , twice over . More than a year ago , I visited my grandma and called her vet to come take a look at Buddy . Buddy adored my grandma and had appeared on her doorstep without any front claws four years before she had to move into assisted living . It was a miracle he 'd survived the coyotes that hung around her place back then . My grandma and the rest of us had agreed that when Buddy needed a place to go , he could come live with us . We only had one cat , Seth , and a hamster . I wanted the vet to give Buddy sedatives for the airplane and the shots he needed to be allowed to fly . Plus , I wanted to know why Buddy bled now and then . I couldn 't believe that no one had tried to figure out that problem . This very nice vet came to my grandma 's apartment and looked Buddy over . He told me that Buddy had a heart murmur and might not survive the trip home . He also said that it was likely that the poor guy had cancer in his lower intestine , that caused his bleeding . He gave him his shots , wrote a prescription for tranquilizers , and signed a certificate . He petted Buddy as he lay in my arms and before he left , the man looked me in the eye , and said , " Good luck . I hope he makes the trip . He really seems to like you . " Buddy wasn 't happy , but he survived the trip home . Fur was all over my clothes and baggage , even in my mouth , by the time we made it home . I wish I could say that poor Buddy could relax then . Seth , our other cat , made those next three weeks miserable by growling and blindly clawing under doors . It was three weeks before I let them meet face to face . By then , Mike and my friend , also a vet , was telling me to let them work it out together . Just as things were beginning to get settled down , Buddy started bleeding again . I took him to see my friend who said that since he was so young , she 'd like to see and echo cardiogram about the murmur . After three more trips , all very upsetting for Buddy , a specialist told me that he had a congenital heart problem that had caused his heart to enlarge , fluid to build in his lungs , and he probably had colon cancer though they hadn 't done tests for that . This vet said that Buddy wouldn 't live much longer than six months and would be lucky to make it to a year . In the meantime , my friend fiddled around with his food and Buddy finally stopped bleeding . That was thirteen months ago . The joke around our house is that Buddy has lived past his expiration date , his second miracle . We all love him . He has the biggest heart , emotionally as well as physically . He jumps up to join anyone who goes into the toilet , just to say hi . I suppose that since he lived with a fragile old woman for seven years , he learned that she could reach down to pet him easier from the toilet . Buddy plays with the boys with his toys , lying on his belly to grab what is being whipped past him . His favorite thing to do is for me to recline on the couch with a blanket over me and his pillow in my lap . Then , he 'll lie on his back on his pillow and stretch his paws up to my face to pat me whenever I stop rubbing him with two hands . God forbid I want to read my book with one hand while I 'm petting him . He likes to have his head and chest rubbed in a way that annoys Seth when I try it on him . His eyes dilate as we stare at each other during these love - fests . Then he 'll jump off , walk around a bit , and do it all over again . Sometimes , I brush him with this rubber Zoom Groom thing that he loves . His fur has gotten very sleek . This past weekend , I thought it was the end for Buddy , that his digestive problems had finally beat out his heart problems . He 'd started vomiting more . It got to where it was just foam coming up two or three times an hour . Poor Buddy crieOn Sunday , I 'd finally missed so much sleep that I caught a cold . I sleep through my colds and while I was lying there , Buddy came to sit on my lap for a bit . When I woke up , he was there . His fur looked pretty ratty . I could see where he 'd lost weight . His face was pinched and thin . He jumped off before I could pet him . On Monday , I noticed that he was drinking a little . On Tuesday , he ate a little and kept it down . On Wednesday , he played with my ear buds as I wound them up to put them away . ( I still can 't find them . ) That same afternoon , he put his paws on Seth 's head and fell over with a thump to wrestle . Seth wouldn 't wrestle with him . Tonight , I was looking for Buddy to give him his pills . Both cats were missing . Seth had gone back to wrestling with Buddy , but I wondered if something was wrong . I looked on the beds . No cats . The nest in the middle of the fabric on my sewing table was empty . There were no cats under the coffee table or on the washing machine . I went downstairs , calling , " Buddy , here kitty baby . " Nothing . The fear rose in my chest again . Would I go downstairs to find Seth standing over Buddy 's lifeless body ? I went down and turned on the light in the den and both cats looked up at me as if they were boys who 'd been caught with the key to the gun cabinet . This was not a cat who looked like he was dying . I stood quietly for a minute and they both went back to their game . They 'd cornered a mouse . I moved something , the mouse ran out , and we all chased and grabbed . Over and over . At one point , this poor mouse stood panting as the three of us had it cornered and stared at it . He was cute , with big soft eyes . Seth patted him on his head . Buddy stood ready for him to bolt , his tail twitching . After I yelled a bit , Mike came down with a bucket to throw over him . That didn 't work . We lost him and he ran behind the futon . It was Laurel and Hardy meeting Tom and Tom and Jerry . I finally got a small clay pot over him by the wood stove , a nice hand thrown pot that a friend of ours had made . Mike got a pap " I 'll take him down the road , " I said . I took him to a wide place in the road , got out , and opened the lid . He looked up at me . He wouldn 't budge . No , I was not going to keep a wild mouse in a cage in the house , cute or not . I had enough cute pets . And who knew if he had any diseases ? I tipped the aquarium and he reluctantly stepped into the grass and stood watching me . When I got home , Buddy and Seth were racing up and down the stairs and alternately stalking quietly over to the corner of the den where they 'd had the most fun with their mouse . They still haven 't settled down . I even had to go make sure there weren 't more mice . No more mice . Thankfully . Buddy took a break for a large snack and a drink and rumbled back down the stairs . I think he 's gained all his weight back . As I write , he 's been up and down the stairs three times , sounding more like a 50 pound dog than a dying cat . Each of them has taken turns looking in the fun corner and crying loudly , as if I 'd taken their toy away . Miracle number three . Buddy 's not dead yet . Thank you for listening , jb I volunteered to be a Reading Buddy for a kid in Nick 's school again . I wasn 't going to volunteer this year , but I couldn 't help myself . I like this program , which is run by a woman who has preschool children . At every meeting of the volunteers , she reads a sweet book to us , her voice taking on a different tone than when she 's talking about funding . On Wednesday , we had a meeting in which we sat in small groups and talked about why we liked being a Reading Buddy . One person must have rehearsed it in her head before saying it . She liked " having even a small part in igniting the passion of a child toward becoming a lifelong reader . " That is so perfect , so quotable ! Another woman , a former teacher , said she likes seeing the incremental changes . Hell , I can never see the incremental changes . But at the end of last year , my Reading Buddy jumped up on a stage that had been stored in the room and began to read , one arm reaching out , the other holding his book . He hammed it up even more when I put my iPhone on the video setting . Did I ever tell you that I love my iPhone ? Well , I don 't have the right to take a video of this boy , but he loved it and I haven 't posted it on uTube or anything . All of a sudden , he was an orator , Martin Luther King Jr . with his ' I Have a Dream ' speech . Or maybe he was JFK saying " Ask not what your country can do for you . Ask what you can do for your country . " What a transformation from that clock - watcher I had sat with all year . I have selfish reasons that I sign up every year to be a Reading Buddy . I like when someone reads to me . It always makes me think of Mrs . Winkler , my fourth grade teacher and the only person I remember who ever read to me as a child . Oh , she read to the whole class , but I just knew that she loved me . She read ' The Wind in the Willows , ' a book I hated . She also read ' A Wrinkle in Time , ' ' Charlotte 's Web , ' and a handful of other wonderful classics . I remember doing math and social studies in her classroom , but she took the time to read a chapter to us every day . Getting comfortable in my seat in the back of the room and listening to her resonant voice was my favorite part of the day . At first , I was amazed that Mrs . Winkler would read to us at all , that anyone would willingly read to a child . My experience was listening to my older sister refusing to read ' Go , Dog , Go ! ' aloud because she said she hated that book . I had grown up thinking that extended to reading any book out loud . I loved when Mrs . Winkler settled in to read and , amazingly , it looked like it made her happy too . At the end of the school year , Mrs . Winkler gave every one of us a book of our own . I chose one about Ben Franklin and I still have it on my bookshelf . Sometimes , I stand outside Nick 's door for a moment to hear Mike 's voice as he reads when it 's his night to take Nick into bed . Oh , how I wish I was the one snuggled down under the covers , to close my eyes and listen to that story . By the door , I can 't quite hear the words , but Mike 's voice is deep and soothing . It 's the same reason I finally got through ' The Iliad ' and ' The Oddessy . ' I had gotten an audiobook from the library with Ian McKellan reading . Oh , I loved the repetition of the words " the wine red sea " when they were read by Ian McKellan . I totally recommend it as a method to work your way through the classics . I had some time to do quilting today . That was a miracle , considering that in the past few days , Buddy was so sick that I thought he was going to die , I had a cold , and Mike had a night of absolutely no sleep and missed work today . After Nick went to school , Mike and I went to the junkyard together . Yesterday , we 'd had to cancel our babysitter because I didn 't feel well , but going to the junkyard actually felt like a date . Okay , it wasn 't a high - end , dress - to - the - nines date . I could have told him I had things to do and stayed behind . I could have read , quilted , or gone to Elliot Bay Books to get more Moleskine notebooks . I didn 't . Mike had been up all night , so instead , I went with him to the junk yard . Mike and I could use a fancy date too , but the important part was that we were alone together . We talked , we laughed , we worried out loud , and we were quiet . I read the directions to him to get there , tried hand him the right tools as he pulled the part he needed . We laughed walking back to our neat little Prius , surrounded by beat - down cars including one that had a bumper sticker that said ' Redneck Stripper . ' Our bumper sticker says ' Paddle faster . I hear banjos . ' After that , Mike had to stop at the auto parts store . Exciting , huh ? I walked over to the grocery store to pick up some things so he could make his mom 's special mac and cheese for dinner . On his way back to meet me , he bought a salad for me from Taco Time . He 'd been listening when I 'd said I was hungry . These were all very ordinary events , even boring if you think about them a certain way . But I was thinking about it while I stitched my quilt tonight . I 'm making an ordinary fence rail quilt . It 's pretty , but very simple . I 'll probably give it away because , as I worked , the recipient settled into my mind . To make a fence rail quilt , you take strips of fabric . You stitch them together and cut out squares . You arrange the squares so that the first block of strips in the row are up , the second block is across . You sew them so that they rock back and forth Posted by I 'm at my favorite Chinese restaurant , waiting for my takeout order . I love this place , the Peking Chinese Restaurant next to the McDonald 's in Redmond , WA . ( They 're quick ! It 's ready ! ) When Nickie was just four years old , I used to bring him here for lunch . He loved coming here . The waitress would seat us , all the while chatting to Nick as if she 'd known him longer than his four years . ' Joyful Boy , ' she called him . Even when he was throwing a fit , even when he spilled the tea I 'd poured and sweetened for him , even when he 'd pushed rice off three sides of his plate , he was a welcome visitor there . I haven 't come here with Nick in a long while , but whenever he 's with me as I 'm picking up takeout , he 'll say , " Can we stay here and eat , Mom , please ? " If Mike wasn 't usually at home with a cold waiting for us , I 'd like to say yes . We don 't get Chinese food very often , but when Mike or I catch a virus , we crave hot and sour soup . " It 's the volatile oils , " Mike will say as if I 'd never heard him say that before . We 've been together long enough that we have these things we repeat to each other . Most of the time they 're lines from some old movie or a Seinfeld episode , but not always . Isn 't it awful how I can never think of those other phrases when I want to , like a good joke I 'd heard that 's just beyond my tongue ? We always order the same thing at Peking , lemon chicken for Mike and beef and broccoli for Nick and I . If we 're too busy or tired , we 'll order rice to go with it , but most of the time , whoever is at home will make sticky rice while the other picks it up . Here 's what I think about when I take my one piece of lemon chicken , completely covered in sweet lemony goo , ' Would I even like authentic Chinese food ? ' I know that this food that I 'm eating isn 't really a part of Chinese culture . What I 'm eating is an American twist on Chinese food and after all of these years of twisting , the turn away from authenticity has got to be complete . The people that own and run my favorite Chinese restaurant speak and write the ordersPosted by |
Today , I actually finished my beloved sweater ! Well , the knitting part , anyway . I still have one pocket to finish sewing , and the other one to completely sew . Then there are those pesky ends to weave in . The sense of accomplishment is overwhelming . NOT . I tried on my new sweater . It 's a little snug , but I know that it will stretch out when I block it . I even managed to take a few photos today , before I had finished the back of the neck . Here are a few : Last night , when I was disgusted with the sweater , I started one of the ribbedfingerless glove / arm warmers I wanted to make . I finished it pretty quick , and now I doubt I will make the other one . I have decided to make a hat to match my sweater , so I cast that on , and started the ribbing . When it 's done , I will take photos of that too . And that 's all for today . Many people are still without power , and cell phone service is still pretty spotty . I had to send some text messages three times today before they actually sent . Here 's hoping all my friends are safe and warm on this cold Halloween . Posted by P . S . I got over my ennui about my sweater today , and sewed up a few seams , and got my collar situation all figured out . I only have about 4 inches of actual 1 X 1 ribbing left , divided into the two sides of the collar that meet at the back of the neck . I can do this ! It really is almost done ! I even started sewing one pocket liner to the inside of the sweater . Here is a photo of my sweater in a pile on the couch , when I was in a funk , and that 's where I threw it : Well , it 's over . The Big Storm of October 2011 . We didn 't get as much snow as predicted , which is a good thing . I can 't begin to imagine the damage if there had been that much snow on the leafy trees . As it was , we lost some big branches . The cracking noise of a tree branch breaking sounds like gunfire . At one point last night , I got freaked out . I was in bed , in my customary pj 's , when I heard a branch break . I realized that my bedroom is a box hanging off the back of my house , and that my house sits next to a wooded lot , that is filled with big trees . I could imagine a branch , or even a whole tree , crashing down on top of my bedroom . Either it takes the whole room off , or just crashes through the ceiling . Neither of these options warms my heart . I got out of bed , put my house clothes back on , and went into the living room . I sat here on the couch , going through my options . The first one I discarded was to go in and sleep with my son . I doubted he would welcome my presence . Then I thought about sleeping on the couch . That idea too was quickly discarded . So I had to go back into my bedroom . I decided that I had better sleep in my clothes , in case the worst happened . In my pants pocket , I put a small flashlight , to find my way out of the wreckage . I even left my glasses in the living room , because they would get totally lost if the worst happened . Before I went back into the bedroom to try and sleep , I decided to take my flashlight outside and see if there were any really large trees in the lot next door that I might be in danger of being crushed by . I really didn 't think any of them looked like they were ready to fall on me . So I was able to go back and try to sleep . I fell asleep with my cell phone clutched in my hand , in case Hubs needed to call me . I also brought the house phone in , even though we had no service , just in case it came back on during the night . I needed to be able to call for help . As of this morning , no giant trees had fallen on my house . Even my Jeep , parked under his customary tree , was undamaged . There were some branches down in the driveway , and two of them straddled the power lines to the house . We also have two big branches down in the pool area . The one hanging over the fence didn 't even damage it ! And so far , the other bHere 's our walkway , after about an hour of snow . Today is the 29th of October , correct ? Two days before Halloween , and * not * coincidentally , my youngest child 's 22nd birthday . It 's snowing like hell ! While I 'm glad so many of my friends are all safe and sound at home , my family was not . My son was trying to get to Carmel , to his girlfriend 's house , in a VW which is really bad in the snow . I would have been fine , if only he hadn 't called me to let me know he wasn 't there yet , and then again to let me know he was giving up trying , and coming home . It took over an hour for him to finally get home , a trip which usually takes maybe 15 minutes . I was worried silly about him . Then there was Hubs , who had to travel to work in the nasty mess . I wasn 't so worried about him , as he is an extremely capable driver , and has 4 wheel drive on his truck . But I was still very relieved to get his call confirming that he had made it safely . And my son - in - law had to drive home from work in this mess too . He too , made it home successfully . At long last , I could relax ! All my loved ones were where they were supposed to be , and they were all safe . Whew . Now I can knit in peace . I have to confess that I caved , and cast on the first of the hand warmers I was planning . But I did do some assembling of my sweater , and got some seams crocheted and sewn . For the hand warmers , I found my last ball ( Goddess , I hope not ) of hot pink Malabrigo worsted weight , and started on the 2 X 2 ribbing on a size 3 circular . For future reference , I only use circular needles , I have found straight needles to be extremely cumbersome , and hate the way the yarn gets tangled up around the right one . I really detest the way I keep hitting my arms with them , too . AWKWARD ! So it 's circulars only for me , just so you know . Not that I 'm prejudiced or anything . . . . . The power has been a bit iffy today too . For the most part , it 's on , but it has flickered more than once , and gone off completely two or three times . It 's not off more than a minute and comes back on , so I guess we are kind of lucky , lots of people have no power at all . My beloved son has taken my Jeep out to procure us some dinner . He wasn 't supposed to be here , so I didn 't plan anything . I usually just wing it when I 'm alone . I bet he 's having fun with my Jeep , in 4 wheel drive . If , that is , he can avoid the people who don 't know how to drive in snow , but insist on going out anyway . I 'm going to sign off now , before the power goes out again . I hope everyone you care about is safe and sound ! Kim out ! I feel like a traitor . Here I am , browsing through Ravelry , looking for my next project . I know what I want to do , fingerless gloves / arm warmers . I scored some beautiful prime Alpaca lace weight at Rhinebeck , and in a hard ( for me ) to find black . It is calling to me . Unfortunately , I haven 't quite finished my sweater yet ! Today at Stitch n Bitch , I bound off the right sleeve , shaped then bound off the back , and bound off the left sleeve . All that 's left is the fronts , with ribbed borders . I 've been working on the left front w / border , but I am losing interest . It 's hard knitting 40 stitches , back and forth , when every time you come to the end of the row , you have the weight of the whole fracking sweater to turn . It 's getting old . I have not taken any pictures of the bound off parts for posterity , not yet . But I plan to . This weekend , my son 's room will be empty , so it would be a perfect time to finish and block this sweater . If I can just find it in my soul to finish it . I want to , I really do ! I can 't wait to wear it ! But it seems like we 've skipped Autumn this year , it 's supposed to snow tomorrow , and snow heavily tomorrow night . This really sucks . Last week , I was still wearing my Austin sandals ! ( Hubs bought them for me at Cabela 's on our trip to Austin , Texas , in May of 2010 ) Oh , heck . I guess I better get back to work ! Kim out ! I have always , always , been an avid reader . Both of my parents were teachers , and encouraged us to read . In grade school , the teacher would give out the Weekly Reader sheets , and I would order the most books of anyone in the class ! Now , we didn 't have very much money , but that 's how much my parents valued reading . One of the bedrooms in our house has been turned into a little library . There are nearly wall to wall shelves , and a desk where our old computer sits . Unfortunately it 's not big enough to add comfy chairs . But the book shelves are full , the books are doubled or even tripled up on each shelf . A little over a year ago , I bought myself a nook e - reader . My daughter has one , and so do some friends . In the first month , I bought , and read , every book in my favorite series that was published at that time . Laurell K . Hamilton 's Anita Blake , Vampire Hunter series . At that time I think there were 17 or 18 books . I re - read them all in just over one month . About a week ago , I read on the Yarn Harlots blog that she had signed some e - readers at Rhinebeck . A light bulb went on over my head ! I had never thought to look for her books for my nook ! So when I finally remembered , and had my nook with me , I shopped for her books . I purchased the newest one , and put the rest on my " wish list " . Except for At Knit 's End , which I bought and had signed at Rhinebeck . Now , these days , I am not reading as much . I am spending lots of time knitting , so my nook sits in the bathroom , waiting for me . For many years , I have kept a book in the bathroom , for those times when , let 's say , it may take more than a few minutes to complete my business . Lately , that 's where my nook spends most of it 's time . I take it with me to other places , like the doctors office , where I may have to wait for a while . Especially if my current knitting project is too big or complicated to work on while I 'm waiting . So the other day , I finally finished the book I had been reading , and was able to start Stephanie 's new book . I have come to realize that the bathroom may not be the best place to read this book ! It is so funny and entertaining , I can 't put it down ! My legs have fallen asleep as I read to the end of the current story . So what am I to do ? I think I will just have to hang in there and try to force myself not to read too much , to put the nook down . I am just really Posted by So our beloved 61 " Samsung TV is safely back home . It 's wonderful not to have to wear my glasses to watch TV , or anything associated with watching TV . Like changing the channel , or reading what the shows are about . Here she is , all snug in her unit : Today I have been working on my sweater , as the pain in my shoulder allows . I can do about two or three rows until the pain forces me to stop for a while . Since I was able to replace the battery in my camera this morning , I was able to take some new photos of my progress ! Here they are : This is the left side , see the pocket and sleeve ! Then it goes to the pleat in the center . The next one is from the center pleat out to the right side . It was too big to get all in one photo , and see all the details . It is a little rolled up , but I managed to unroll it , mostly . I have trouble finding an open space big enough to lay the sweater out . Today I decided to use my son 's bed . He has nice blue fleece sheets . I would like to mention how much I enjoy reading all the comments I have received . To Laura , thanks for reading ! And I would like to welcome my newest reader , Stacey , of The Adventures of Yarn Salad ! I enjoy reading your blog , I hope you enjoy mine . I look for new posts every day . Hopefully you will be reunited with your husband soon . In the meantime , keep your chin up , maybe someday you will look back on this time and find it amusing . Terri , I would like to thank you for reading , and also for your comment . I do use stitch markers when casting on , they are very helpful ! My dad was a math teacher , you 'd think I would have learned to count . I was very sure I had the right number of stitches when I started out , that 's why I was so flummoxed when the stitch count was 11 stitches off ! I 'm just glad it was the math that was done wrong ! And especially , I want to mention my biggest supporter , Kim , of AtKnitsEndYarns , who has read me every day since the beginning ! She just doesn 't comment , as she can 't from her phone . Love her anyway ! Hopefully soon , I can post photos of the finished sweater ! Perhaps the color will even look right ! I swear , it 's not pink , but cranberry ! Those who have seen it in person can testify . I will be working on it at Stitch n Bitch this coming Friday morning . So all who come will get to see it ! Kim out ! This morning , I woke up at 5 : 30 , and couldn 't get back to sleep . I finally drifted off , and finally got up at 7 : 45 . I had to get up , as the TV repair shop told us they would bring our TV back between the hours of 8 a . m . and 1 p . m . I hung out all day , not going anywhere or running my errands . At 1 : 05 , the man called and said he should be here around 2 p . m . As 2 p . m . rolled past , the doorbell rang ! It turned out to be the UPS man , Dave . But waiting for him to move his truck was the TV repair men ! ! They brought our baby in , set her all back up , connecting cables and such things . Then they turned her on . She came to life ! No little tiny white dots on her picture , or anything ! Within minutes , they were gone . Now I don 't need to wear my glasses to watch that tiny TV any more ! While I was waiting today , I finished my 2nd sleeve , and after everyone left to go to Kingston , I purled them onto my sweater . Then I did a few more rows while I was waiting for TV man . I would post photos of the TV and of my fully attached sweater , but when I tried to take a photo earlier , the camera let me know that its battery was dead . Bummers ! So tomorrow , I have to go buy another battery for the camera . Then I can take photos of my fully attached sweater , and post them for you all to see ! So today , I did the dance of joy twice ! First when I attached my sleeves to my sweater , then when the TV guys left . I was so happy , I told them that if I knew them better , I would hug them ! After coffee this morning , Hubs headed for the house in Fishkill to do some work . Shortly after noon , while I was on line at the supermarket , he called me ! He informed me that the TV repair shop called him , and they are bringing our TV home tomorrow ! ! YAY ! It 's only been , what , like 38 days ? That was good thing number 2 , actually . Good thing number 1 ? Well , that 's a bit of a story . Friday evening , as the sun was going down , and Hubs was at work , I noticed it seemed to be getting a bit chilly in the house . I didn 't think much of it . During the night , when I got up to use the facilities , I really noticed ! It was downright cold in the house ! That morning , after Hubs got home , I mentioned to him that I thought there was a problem with the furnace . I was right , the furnace wasn 't kicking the hot water up the pipes . We still have hot water , because we both have taken showers , and I have washed dishes . It hasn 't been that cold out yet , so we made it through the weekend with sweaters and heavy socks or slippers . This morning , he called our furnace guy , who said he would come by later this afternoon , after he got out of work . So good thing number one is that we hopefully will have heat later tonight ! That will be a really good thing , because son and his girlfriend will be here tonight . We wouldn 't want them to be cold now , would we ? I did text with son , and told him to warn Julie it might be cold , and to bring warm clothes . With any luck , she won 't need them . My daughter Sara , AKA Mrs . Gilroy , texted me yesterday and asked me to email her my Chili recipe ! I had taken my mom 's recipe and changed it a bit over the years . She used kidney beans , I started using black beans . Stuff like that . It was hard to write that email , as it made me stop and really think about what I do when I make the chili , and what I use , and when I put the different things in ! The hardest part was the amounts of the herbs and seasonings , as I don 't measure them , and just throw them in until it feels right . My Chili comes out differently every time ! ThPosted by Now that Hubs is down for his nap , I have time to catch you up on the days doings . This morning , at 4 : 30 a . m . sharp , the really loud alarm clock went off , waking Hubs up to go hunting . It never ceases to amaze me that the absolutely only way he can get up this early is if he gets to kill something . It turns out that last night he got a deer , but he and his friend couldn 't find it . It was too dark , they lost his trail . So up he gets before the ass - crack of dawn to go find his deer . He was successful , by the way ; it has been delivered to the butcher . We shall eat this winter ! While he was out , I went back to sleep . I got up at 8 : 30 , which is early for me , but since I was so tired last night and went to sleep early , I slept as long as I could . I made my coffee , and began knitting ! I knitted like a fiend , after taking care of my facebook farmville farms . I usually try to hold off knitting until my coffee is gone , because I tend to forget to drink it while I 'm knitting . After a few hours , interrupted only by putting a load of laundry in , and checking chemical levels in the hot tub , I got the first sleeve done ! By this time , Hubs was home , and talking to me about this adventures . This is the finished sleeve : Anyway , Hubs was talking to me as I was trying to cast on 45 stitches for the second sleeve . I had to stop four times to count , because he kept expecting me to answer him , or comment . I finally had to ask him not to talk until I was done counting ! At last I had the correct number of stitches cast on , and away I went ! I knitted and knitted ! As of right now , I have about 3 1 / 2 inches done ! Here is a photo of the beginning of the sleeve : I still don 't get why the yarn looks so pink , when in reality it 's more of a cranberry color . Now I have just come upstairs from putting Hubs ' hunting clothes in the wash , with his special non - scented detergent . My favorite is the dirt scented , yes DIRT scented dryer sheets . Yum . When they are all done , he will be ready to go out hunting again tomorrow . The joy never ends . I will say that he manages to get the best tasting deer in Dutchess County ! Soon , I will have the second sleeve done , and I can commence with knitting them onto the body of the sweater , and start the yoke shaping . I shall look forward to posting photos of the finished sweater ! Today is my mom 's birthday , she turns 79 . Wow . My daughter Sara took her out to brunch , and I was invited to tag along . Joining us was my sister - in - law , Carol . We four ladies had a very nice lunch ! Afterwards , Sara and I went back to her adorable house , where she tried to download some new books from her computer onto my nook . It didn 't work . Bummers ! I was looking forward to reading some new books . I do have some books on there that I haven 't read yet , but mostly they are books I have read before . When I finally got home , it was time to turn on the coffee maker for Hubs , who wanted to get up and go hunting . He worked last night , so he had been sleeping . Now he 's gone , so I can take this opportunity to knit for a while ! My sleeve is now 11 inches long ! It 's been 2 weeks since I first cast on the pocket inserts . They took me one day , I was finished with them Sunday morning , and cast on the sweater body before I came home from mom 's house that day . Anyway , Now I need to go knit ! Enjoy this beautiful fall day ! Kim out . Yesterday , I took new photos of my sweater progress ! The body is done to the row where I bound off 8 stitches for each underarm . The body then gets set aside , and it 's time to make the sleeves . I am making good progress on the first one . Photo 1 - Sweater up to the pits - I used the batteries to keep it open . This one shows the pleat . If you look closely , outside both top batteries , you can see the bind off 's for the sleeves . Here is a photo of the progress , as of last night , on the first sleeve . Finally , the last photo is of the 8 stitch bind off for the sleeve . This photo shows the yarn color most accurately ! I love this sweater , because there are hardly any seams to close ! Only 8 stitches for each sleeve attachment , and short seams for the shoulders / collar . My favorite thing is that the sleeves are knit in the round ! No seams at all ! Ok , enough typing , I have to get back to work ! Kim out ! Last night , as I sat here on my couch , knitting my heart out , I decided I should probably count my stitches and compare the count to what the pattern says I should have . So , as I knitted the next row , I counted . I have to count out loud , or I lose my place , and skip entire decades . I have done it in the past . Wait , that can 't be right ! Including the 20 stitches on each border , plus the body , that makes 219 stitches . But the pattern says I should have 208 ! WTF ? Maybe I counted wrong , so I knit another row , again counting . It comes out the same . Now what do I do ? I put it aside , and went to bed . All night , I lay there , thinking about those 11 extra stitches . Where did they come from ? I know I had the right number at the beginning . . . didn 't I ? I thought all night , at least , every time I woke up . I finally decided that I need to measure each side , from the pleat out to the edge , and see if the pleat is at least in the center of the thing ! If it is , then I 'm ok , and can adjust the pattern accordingly . If it 's not , I 'm screwed . I may have to frog the whole fracking sweater and start over . That really depresses and freaks me out . I have never had to frog an entire project before . And I am not happy about that particular prospect , believe you me . I have been avoiding my sweater all morning . I don 't want to look at it . I 'm afraid that the pleat is off center , and I don 't want to deal with it . So I 'm drinking my coffee , and watching Supernatural , and trying hard not to think about it . OMG ! I just looked at the paper I did my math on . I carried a 1 where there wasn 't one ! In other words , I added wrong ! I have 209 stitches ! One extra stitch I can deal with . I can feel the weight lifting off my shoulders ! I don 't have to frog ! Wow . This may turn out to be a decent day after all , instead of " The Day I Had To Frog " . Whew , do I feel better ! Thanks for being here and listening to me rave . By the way , I was going to end this post after the drinking my coffee part . I really did look at the paper , and find my mistake . So I got to write it as it happened ! Now , I need to get back to work on my sweater ! Kim out ! At Sheep and Wool , I scored some awesome Alpaca yarn . I 've been saving it to wind when I am bored . Today I wound one skein of the Alpaca , the black one , and the last skein of my sweater yarn . It 's so much fun using my swift and ball winder . I 'm saving the white skein of Alpaca for another day . I worked on my sweater today , and somehow managed to screw my courage up and work the pleat . And I think I got it right this time ! There were no dropped stitches this time ! Yippee skippee ! I am very proud of myself . Now I have to just make it through the three inches until I can bind off the underarm stitches . I am really excited , it 's only eight stitches per underarm ! Apparently , while we had mostly rain all September , and while my Jeep spent nearly the whole month covered up , it had been growing mold ! I had mold on my steering wheel cover , and now I 've found mold growing on my dashboard . I need to replace the steering wheel cover , but I will need a nice day to clean out the Jeep . Bleach and water , 10 % solution , should do the trick . Now I come to the point . Yesterday , I left my slide windows open , to get some air flow through there , to help air out the Jeep . When we got home from Fishkill last night , I forgot to close them . I didn 't know it was going to rain . This morning , when I finally got up , I realized it was raining , so I had to go out and close my windows . Being under his tree saved him once again ! There wasn 't wetness on the drivers side , and none on the passenger side ! Between doing dishes and laundry is when I got to knit today . It is such a dark , miserable day ! I am not happy about the rain , but it 's pointless to complain . The Goddess does what she wants , we can choose not to be miserable about it ! After all , " Misery is Optional ! " Now , Hubs has gone to work , and I get to vacuum . Yay ! Do you think I can put it off until tomorrow ? I 'm pretty sure I can , since I 'm the worlds best procrastinator ! Another day when almost nothing got done . I went to Fishkill with Hubs , but we didn 't go until later in the afternoon . He was up all night , couldn 't sleep , so he slept in . I kept trying to wake him up , starting at 10 : 30 like he asked me to . every hour after that , I was in there trying to rouse him . I didn 't succeed until 1 : 30 . Of course , I won 't run the vacuum cleaner while he 's asleep , it makes too much noise . There are other things to do , of course , but I was expecting him to get up any minute ! At least when we went to Fishkill , I took my sweater , and got a few rows done . That made me feel a bit better ! I am almost to the point where I get to do the pleat on the back of the sweater , I hope to get it right this time ! But I had a lot of holding to do while Hubs cut stuff with a circular saw , like wood , and wainscoting . Yesterday , as some of you doubtless noticed , I didn 't post . I really had nothing to report . Nothing exciting happened all day . Even the TV repair people haven 't called us yet . It 's been 32 days since they took our TV away , and said they would bring it back in - and I quote - two or three days . . . . . The little 19 incher is getting quite comfortable in the big , giant space where the missing TV belongs . I got a lecture today from Hubs , about how I 've been neglecting the housework , etc . Apparently he 's getting concerned that I 'm spending too much time on my crafting . I am going to hand him my new copy of At Knits End by Stephanie Pearl - McPhee , AKA the Yarn Harlot . There are quite a few anecdotes in there about such silly husbandly concerns . < insert evil laugh here > I just nod and say " Yes , dear ! " but he doesn 't buy it . Today I am peacefully knitting , working on my sweater . I was supposed to have most of the day to myself , as Hubs was going to get up at 4 : 30 a . m . to go hunting . He turned off the alarm when it buzzed rather loudly , and mumbled that he would go out later . I wanted to wait until he was gone to knit , because I was at the three row sequence that involves the decreasing , as well as short rows on the edges . It 's not complicated , I just like to do all three rows without being interrupted . Hubs finally got up , and after drinking lots of coffee , and complaining that he doesn 't feel well and can 't get warm , he finally took his shower and got dressed for hunting . I don 't know how long he will last , and neither did he . But now I 'm through my three rows , so it doesn 't matter for five more rows . It 's just so nice to be able to sit here , knitting peacefully , without worrying about laundry , dishes , or anything else . I did some dishes earlier , and laundry will get done later . Yesterday at Sheep and Wool , I got an autographed copy of At Knits End , a book by The Yarn Harlot . I 've been reading it this morning , and have already found my favorite , and it 's so very true , and typical of me ! ! " My knitting is in a constant state of competition with the household chores . After years and years of painful juggling , I have almost completely decided to give up on the housework . The way I see it , I can always clean up the house when I am old , but I 'll never get this knitting time back . " - Stephanie Pearl - McPhee Now that I am safely ensconced at home , in my comfy house clothes , I can look back at my experience at the Sheep and Wool Festival . It was awesome ! I took lots of pictures , got to see famous knitters from afar , and saw lots of cute sheep and beautiful yarns . I knew The Yarn Harlot was going to be there , signing books , but I didn 't know that Clara Parkes would be there too ! Both are lovely ladies , even if I didn 't get to converse with them myself . The lines were just too long , and I can 't stand upright and still for that long . There were five of us in our group , Kim H . , @ AtKnitsEndYarns ; Laura , @ Betweenthelens ; Deb , @ ObliviousKnits ; her fiance , James , @ WetDentist ; and myself , Kim S . , @ BicraftualMe . . . I think we all had a good time ! I know I did ! It was a great honor to meet a twitter and facebook friend , ObliviousKnits ! She was so much fun to hang around with , and it was neat to see familiar things through her eyes . Deb is fearless ! She 's the one who got our books signed by Ms . Harlot . I loved looking at all the walls of color that were the displays of yarns and fibers ! It was also interesting to see all the people walking around in hand knitted clothing . I 've never seen so many shawls , sweaters , ponchos and hats ! There were even a few tunics , and skirts ! LOVE IT ! Soon after we got there , I realized I should have brought my sweater to wear , as it was pretty chilly . I did wear a shawl , my gray pentagram one . I doubted anyone would even notice that it was a pentagram . And I don 't think they did ! As I walked around the show , I kept repeating , " Go big , or go home ! " as my shawl is pretty big . I am tall , and the shawl was dragging on the ground by the time we left . Here are some photos of the walls of color : And these two were my favorite sheep ! I really loved the dark one with the horns ! This one , I loved his long curly coat ! Now I 'm stiffening up , and I need to go get into my hot tub . My feet are starting to cramp up ! If you got to go , I hope you enjoyed the Sheep and Wool Festival ! ! Kim out ! This morning , at our Stitch n Bitch , those of us who are going to Sheep and Wool decided to go together ! We will meet up with the rest of our little group at the festival , as they are coming in from out of state . So Deb will get to meet most of the Hyde Park Posse ! I would really love to get T - shirts for us , one that says Hyde Park Posse , and one that just says Minion . Kim 's shirt would say Minion Master , or something like that , to show she 's in charge of the rest of us . When I got home , I gathered up all the clothes I might possibly wear tomorrow , and started the laundry . Now I have to go get them out of the dryer . I have my outfit in mind , I am definitely wearing my bright pink , really long , head scarf . I just need to decide which shirt to wear with it . I think it 's going to be warm again , like it was last year ! Poor Kim , she 's having such anxiety about this festival . I tried to help , but really , there 's nothing anyone can say to ease that kind of anxiety ! I point out that she 's so much more well know this year than last year . We will have to keep her calm all day . Then there 's the chore of deciding which bag I will bring . I ended up deciding to bring the bag I usually use for my knitting . I will empty it out , and just put my wallet , my camera and some business cards in there , that way it won 't be too heavy , and I can wear it cross - body so it won 't bother my shoulder . It 's a really cool messenger bag , I bought one year from Barnes and Noble with a Christmas gift card . It has silver swirls on the flap , which I customized with a bright pink highlighter . Now it looks different than all the rest , just like me ! Hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep ! I will report tomorrow , or Sunday , on the festival , complete with photos , with any luck ! Maybe I will see some of you there ! Last night , I was browsing the cupboards for what to have for dinner , and I couldn 't decide . I looked in the fridge , and there was no salad mix , so that ruled out one of my favorite dinners , a big salad with lots of veggies , leftover meat , and cheese . Then I remembered that I bought some canned soups last time I went grocery shopping . I looked , and there they were . I finally decided on a " hearty " potato soup " with bacon " . As it was heating up on the stove , I looked in the fridge for stuff to add to the soup . Ah , there is some left over corn ! I opened the container , and sniffed it . It still smelled OK , to me . So , I added the corn to my heating soup . However , as the corn hit the pan , I had a thought that maybe I would regret adding it , as I think it 's kind of old . . . . When I got to eat it , the soup wasn 't that good . I didn 't finish it all , leaving some in my bowl . Later , as I sat listening to the TV while knitting my sweater , I got hungry again , so I heated up the leftover sirloin tips from the night before . They were yummy with BBQ sauce ! When I finally got into bed , I 'm laying there and my tummy feels like it 's full of cement . I slept on and off , waking up every few hours . I could tell my tummy was sorting the corn from the soup , and letting the soup continue on down the track . It felt like my tummy was saving the corn , and going to send it back . This has happened to me before . Once when I was a kid , after Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma 's house , my tummy sent back only the corn I had eaten . There have been other instances , not always corn . But I digress ! This morning when Hubs got home from work , I told him I didn 't feel very good . I got up and ate a few Papaya Enzyme Chewable Tablets . A friend swears by these , for tummy aches , and when you eat too much . It seems they promote digestion , and help digest food faster . What can I say ? It worked ! After a couple of hours , I got up , and felt better ! In fact , I had forgotten about the corn ! Hubs got up to use the bathroom , and asked how I felt . I was surprised ! I really had forgotten I didn 't feel well this morning ! I guess the papaya enzyme tabs worked , once again ! Since this morning , I have had my two cups of chocolate truffle coffee , and taken my meds . I have washed dishes , and worked on my sweater too . I 've even done some laundry . After Hubs leaves for work , I can vacuum again . It makes too much noise , I won 't do it while he 's trying to sleep . And hopefully , I can get to bed earlier than last night , and get some good sleep to make up for the rough night I had last night ! Happy knitting , and Kim out ! This year will be the second time I will be attending the NY Sheep and Wool Festival ! It was a real blast last year . My friend Kim , of AtKnitsEndYarns , goes every year . We get to walk all around , admiring all the wool , sheep , yarn , and fiber . As well as all the other cool stuff ! And this year I will be bringing my camera , so I can snap some photos of the really cool sheep I admired last year . This year , Deborah , of ObliviousKnits will be joining us , with her fiance ! This is really gonna be a blast ! Last year , I wore a sweater I had made , but it was so warm , I didn 't get to wear it very long . So this year , no sweater . We got to eat the best foods last year too ! And there will be at least one famous person there , I hope we get to see her ! I was so tempted to buy so much stuff last year , from hand warmers to slippers , that some enterprising crafters had made . Unfortunately , I will have to abstain again this year , as I really have no extra money ! I really hope Kim 's yarns sell as well this year as they did last year ! I think they might , as she is more well known this year . It is so very exciting that I get to go ! My beloved Hubs isn 't working this weekend , as it 's the opening weekend of deer season for bow hunters . I hope he is successful , as we really love to eat venison all winter ! He manages to get the most delicious deer in Dutchess County ! Time to say goodbye for today , as I have some work to do . Until next time ! This morning , I left my cell phone in the bedroom . When I finally remembered to go get it , I had missed a text message from an old friend . She said she was coming through town and could we get together ? By the time I saw the message , an hour had passed since she sent it . I replied that it was probably too late , and she answered that it wasn 't , she hadn 't left yet ! So we arranged to meet at Cranberry 's in an hour . We always have so much catching up to do ! She tells me what she 's heard from people we used to work with , that she has seen , and I do the same . Then we talk about our families , and what they are up to . We never seem to run out of things to talk about ! The best part , of course , is eating luscious Cranberry 's desserts ! We both had the Peach Wedge . YUM ! They must have been very busy today , as all the flavored coffee carafes were empty ! So I didn 't get to have any coffee with my peach wedge . After getting home from Cranberry 's , I started doing the laundry . House rule # 3 states that whoever leaves money in their pockets , that is found in the washer or dryer , that money belongs to the laundry mistress , ME . I am gathering up quite a collection of coins ! I have a covered jar on the dryer where I put the money I find . However , if I find a large amount , I usually return it to it 's owner . Like the time I found $ 50 in my son 's jeans . I knew he would need it , so I gave it back . I am making solid progress on my sweater ! As I stated in an earlier post , the pocket inserts are done , and now I 'm working on the body . Here 's a photo of the pockets : They are ready to add when the sweater gets long enough . The sweater is worked from the bottom up . Here 's a photo of the progress so far on the body , the stitch markers indicate the center back section that 's decreasing up to the pleat . Yesterday , I helped Hubs put the new ( to her ) doors on mom 's car . Today we delivered the car back to her . The doors are silver , her car is a dark red . Hubs discovered that Saturns are designed with removable outer " skins " on the body , for easy change . So all we have to do is find some door skins of the right color ! The ones he 's found so far cost more than the doors did ! ! I also attended my grandson 's 1st birthday party yesterday ! He is such a cutie ! And his big sister is also . It is wonderful having them in my life . I wish I was able to see them more often . At least now , Chloe doesn 't run and hide when she sees me ! In fact , when Sara and I left the party yesterday , she came running to me , and gave me a chocolate frosting kiss ! She said to me , " My face is dirty ! " I told her I didn 't care , that a chocolate frosting kiss is my favorite kind ! On top of all this , I am now knitting myself a new sweater . It 's awesome . It has pockets , and a back pleat . The back pleat totally intimidated me the first time , I 'm hoping I can manage it this time , without messing it up . I dropped a stitch last time , and had to tie it on to the right place from the back . All this because I refuse to frog . The sweater is a really pretty color , it 's like a dark red , a cranberry . I might have talked about it yesterday . I am pretty tired today , I had trouble getting to sleep last night . All in all , it sounds to me like I 'm rambling ! One last thing . . . When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my first child , my friend Beth sent me a plant . It was in a baby buggy shaped planter . I remember it very well . As the years went by , the plant lived happily at my mom 's house , and it seems to enjoy her apartment . My daughter Sara Beth , is now nearly 35 years old . The plant given to me at her birth is still alive ! Here is a photo of it that I took yesterday before I came home . And now that 's the end . So I got to come home today ! Mom is recuperating nicely , and getting around without too much pain . We had a nice time together , even if I had to sleep on the couch . The best part of staying in Fishkill is that I get to visit Out of the Loop yarn store ! Theresa is always pleasant , and every time I 'm there , there are new luscious yarns to explore . I was able to get there on Saturday , a day later than I really wanted to , but mom was sleeping most of the day Friday , and I didn 't feel right leaving her . So I went before I did her grocery shopping . It was only about 10 miles , round trip , out of the way . . . So , while I was there , I bought some yarn for a new sweater , since the last one I made for me was too big . That 's a legitimate excuse , right ? It works for me ! Here 's a photo of the progress as of last night , I was doing the pocket inserts . I finished them this morning , and cast on the body . I haven 't told Hubs yet , I 'm waiting for the right moment . The red is so pretty , I thought of cranberries , and since our Stitch n Bitch group meets at Cranberry 's , I 'm calling it my cranberry sweater . The color is actually called Valentine . My mom has a cat , named Mozart , nicknamed Mo . He is so spoiled ! He gets fed like four times a day , but she only feeds him 1 / 4 cup at a time . He is so fat , he 's nearly round ! But his fur is very thick and soft . He 's a pleasure to pet ! And he really is a sweetie . He actually let me take his picture ! It is so good to be home ! I can 't wait to sleep in my own bed , next to my beloved Hubs ! He is such a good sport , to not complain when I need to go help mom . This is the second time I 've been there , she had surgery on her foot a couple years ago . You want to hear something very surprising ? Until her gall bladder was removed four days ago , she had never had any other parts removed , ever ! She still had all her original equipment ! Even her tonsils and appendix ! She will be 79 years young on the 22nd of this month . She is amazing ! It was hard to be without internet access . I hope to never have to go without again ! I missed facebook , I missed twitter , I missed google + , and I especially missed you , my loyal readers ! Talk to you again soon ! Today mom had her gall bladder out , and they will be releasing her from the hospital tomorrow . I will be staying with her for a few days while she recuperates . Here comes the bad news - she has NO internet service . NONE ! So I will need to be out of touch while I 'm at her apartment . If , by some chance , I can glom onto someones wifi hotspot , then I shall be in touch . Trust me when I say that I shall miss you all . It 's been awesome getting to complain , and talk about my crocheting and knitting , and some people actually listen ! It 's quite a change from my family , since I think I am invisible to them ! I just do the dishes and the laundry , and dinner magically appears in front of them . When I speak , they just look blankly at each other , and continue speaking to each other when I stop . Like I don 't exist . Sometimes it gets to me . Anyway , hopefully I shall be back in touch on a few days ! I know that mom already feels better ! And she 's really looking forward to going home ! Talk to you later ! Posted by So here we were , Sunday night , Hubs and I were getting ready to go into the bedroom . I was in the bathroom , and Hubs was already in the bedroom . From down the road , I hear a loud car coming , screeching tires , revving the engine , generally being very loud and obnoxious . Then I hear the car 's brakes screeching , and I wait for the THUMP noise that means they hit something . And . . . there it was . Then the peeling out again as they take off on down the road . Hubs comes out and asks if I heard that , I answered " Yes , it sounded like it was down the road . " He says " No , that right in front of our house ! " . . . So we get our shoes on and go out and look . As we walk out , I can smell the burned rubber from the street . Hubs shines the flashlight on my Jeep , nope , Jeep is OK . Then he shines the light on mom 's car . He says , " They got your mom 's car ! " OH SHIT ! He continues on , and shines the light on his truck too . His truck is also unharmed ! Mom 's car is parked in between my Jeep and his truck ! We can see by the peel out tire marks that they came VERY close to hitting my Jeep ! We walk back inside , and Hubs calls the State Police . An hour later , a very nice trooper comes to the house . She was very helpful , taking down all our information , etc . It turns out it 's a really good thing that I have mom 's wallet ! I have her wallet and other valuables since I was concerned about her having them with her while she 's in the hospital . Better safe than sorry . I was so very upset ! All of the twenty one years we have lived on this house , we have parked our cars in the front of the house , and NEVER before has there been any sort of problem ! This is beyond imagining ! So yesterday , I had to go to the hospital and tell mom what happened . . . . . She took it pretty good , I think . I mean , it 's not like anyone was hurt , the car was simply sitting there ! What really pissed me off was that the driver simply took off ! That right there is against the law , leaving the scene of an accident ! Much less the reckless driving that lead to them losing control in the firAnd here 's the shot of the tire marks and how close they are to my Jeep ! In the last 24 hours , we have had some things happen , and I don 't want to say anything I might later regret , So I will be taking tonight off from blogging . Maybe tomorrow too , we shall see . But I have photos , oh yes , there will be photos . . . . Today when I got up , I planned on spending most of the day at the hospital , so I took my knitting with me ! Whenever I go almost anywhere , I usually take either my nook , or my knitting . Just in case the car breaks down , or I have to wait for someone or something . It works especially well at the doctors office ! Every time I bring a book to read while I 'm waiting , no matter how early for my appointment I am , I get called right in . EVERY TIME . There has to be something to that . So I took both nook and knitting with me today to the hospital . I arrived between 10 and 10 : 30 . Which is usually the time I 'm rolling out of bed . Mom was surprised to see me so early . So we sat and chatted , and after a while , she told me she was getting sleepy . So while she napped , I knitted ! I got three or four rows done on my shawl . That doesn 't sound like much , but it 's really getting big , and I have no desire to count stitches . Tomorrow I will take a photo , so you can see how big it 's getting . My brother Chip ( surprise ) and my son Jesse also dropped in to visit with mom while I was there . It was nice to see my brother , we aren 't close . Then after lunch , my daughter Sara came to visit too ! We always have a good time when we get to chat . By 2 : 30 or so , we were both ready to leave . Just before we were going to say goodbye to mom , the nurse came in and told mom they were moving her to a private room ! So we stuck around to get her settled in , then we took our leave . It was nice to get to spend so much time with mom today , and really nice to get time to knit ! Does knitting in the hospital still count as knitting in public ? I think so ! A very big P . S . Mom and I talked about my blog , and I told her how so many people have read the " Shit Happens , Misery Is Optional " post . She totally agrees with me ! After all , that 's where I get it from , isn 't it ? And not only did she have polio as a child , she was also very sick with scarlet fever too . So she isn 't a Mary Fracking Poppins either ! Until next time ! And please don 't forget to comment ! ! What a roller coaster day this was ! To start with , I think I knit about two rows on my shawl today . I got out of bed when my daughter texted me that she was going to the hospital to see her grandma . So I begged a ride , not being too proud . I got dressed and was ready when she got here . It was spooky ; when we got to the hospital , and found her room , there was no one in there ! So we waited , and waited some more . At one point I went out to the nurses station to ask someone where my mom was . I stood there , while a man sat on the other side of the counter , ignoring me . That lasted a few minutes . Finally another nurse came along , and I was able to ask her about my mom 's whereabouts . She wandered off and didn 't return . A while later , Sara went out for the same purpose . She was more successful ! We discovered that mom was having some tests done , and should be back soon . The tests take about 45 minutes , and we had already been there almost 30 . Shortly after that , mom made her appearance . She climbed back into her bed , and we finally got to visit . She told us that she definitely has to have her gall bladder out . The surgeon will come to see her Monday morning , so who knows when they can schedule it . Tuesday , maybe ? She isn 't happy about this at all . She kept saying that this isn 't in her plans . We had to leave by 11 : 45 , Sara and her Hubs were going to Albany to see the Cirque Du Soliel . I hope I spelled it right ! So when Hubs woke up this afternoon , we discussed what was happening with mom . I told him I needed to get to her apartment tomorrow , to get some more stuff she needs , and pick up her car and bring it home . That way , I can go get her and take her home in her own car when she is discharged . I will be staying with her a few days for her recuperation . So Hubs suggested he drop me off there on his way to work . So that 's what we did . I called her from her house , and got all the things she needs . I will take them to her tomorrow . On the way home , I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few things we needed . Now , itPosted by |
He hangs up the phone and says ' that was my fiance , but not a real one , just one I 'm with for her visa ' At this point I 'm already thinking ' bloody hell ' . He continued on with his excuse ' She also lives with me ' ( in his 2 - bed apartment with this other roommate - cozy ) . ' Oh yeah , I should probably tell you I 'm getting married in three weeks ' I went for a meal with this girl I met through a dating app and it was going really well . We started talking about movies and then we decided to go to the cinema to go watch Inception . She said there was a cinema nearby but I didn 't know the area at all , so I used the GPS on my phone and she held it and directed me . Once we got there we started walking inside and I realized I didn 't have my phone in my pocket . I said I must have left it in the car and started to walk back to get it . She was trying to get me to leave it and saying we would miss the film but the phone was only about a week old so I was really paranoid about it . We checked the car for about 10 minutes but we couldn 't find it . I asked her to check her jacket and her bag but she said it wasn 't there . A couple parked next to us so I asked them to ring my number because I couldn 't find it . It started to ring and it was obviously coming from my dates handbag . She took it out and said she must have missed it . I thanked the couple and locked my car and as I turned back around she was walking the other way . I ran to catch up and asked what was going on but she was very dismissive and was barely talking . That 's when I realized it wasn 't an accident and just left her to walk home alone . Despite the weird situation , I have fun . Then I get a text from my brother that he 's going to be nearby and could pick me up in his car . Tell the girls that I need to get going . They stop talking and just stare at me . Nervously , I explain that my brother will be there soon . They don 't say anything . I hear my brother honk his horn outside the coffee shop and awkwardly slip out of my seat and head to the car , saying goodbye to the still silent and staring girls . Then , a week or so later , I get a call from the girl I had asked out . She 's furious that I stood her up , apparently . Confused , I apologize and explain that the whole thing was really weird . She starts to laugh at me and informs me that I 'm actually on speaker phone and all her friends ( the ones from the coffee shop ) are there . They all laugh and make fun of me for being confused and apologizing . I just hung up and never spoke to them again . I never figured out what their angle was . Prior to the " date " me and the one girl got along well and she definitely seemed to be attracted to me . I was going to have a second date with this girl . She knew of three parties happening on the same night , so she suggested that we hit all three . Sounded good to me , so off we go . At party one , her best friend from college is there that she hasn 't seen in four years . They immediately run off together , and I 'm left with the friend 's boyfriend having a drink . I think to myself , this is no big deal . She hasn 't seen her friend in a long time , and the night has a lot more to go . She comes back after a while and suggests we head on to the other party . Great ! Arrive at second party . My date immediately runs off with some other friends . Like , " Tim , oh my god , how are you doing , " and dashes across the party to find him . I slowly follow behind , but then they keep scurrying on to talk to other people without the girl making it clear that she wanted me to come . I feel really awkward because she doesn 't introduce me or say anything about me . I 'm just an awkward guy there that no one knows . I get tired of that and go to the bathroom , where I find that the door has been ripped off its hinges . I find a screwdriver and fix the door before using the bathroom . Fast forward 30 minutes , my date finds me and suggests we go to the final party . But this time , her friend Tim is going to join us . Okay … Arrive at third party . As soon as we walk in the door , Tim says he needs cigarettes , and the girl and Tim run out for cigarettes and leave me at this new party with all these other people I don 't know . They are gone for 45 minutes , by which time I decide that this date isn 't working out and I should just go home . When my date comes back with cigarettes , I tell her I 'm leaving and she FLIPS OUT . She starts screaming at me in front of everyone about how she was going to have sex with me later and how I ruined everything . Then she proceeds to scream , " you 're not leaving me ; I 'm leaving you , " after which she bolts out and slams the door . Someone eventually comes and offers me a drink . I stay for another hour and laugh it off with the people at the party . Am still friends with some of those fine people today . Got asked out by a girl I knew and was sort of interested in , but didn 't really know all that well . We went to an open - air jazz concert , not really my thing but sure . Once there she immediately was all over me ( hugging , sitting on my lap etc . ) Things were going great ( or so I thought ) It was at that point when things started getting weird : several band members were giving us strange looks from the stage while playing their jazz music . One piano player was mouthing things in our direction , but I couldn 't make out what he wanted . People were rude to me for no reason whatsoever while getting drinks . Long story short : my date knew just about all people there and wanted to get back publicly at her ( very large ) boyfriend for cheating on her . Don 't hate on me jazzfucks , I 'm just an innocent sucka ! Awkward ending : I met them both later that evening at the train station and she pretended not to see me . The first time I ever used Tinder was also my worst experience with Tinder . The date itself was fine - a little stiff - but fine . Typical questions like what are you studying , where did you grow up , etc . We ate dinner and I didn 't plan on meeting up with him again . The next day I got a text from him saying , " Hey . " I text him back " Hi " . He asks me what 's up , I say not a whole lot what 's up with you … We had been talking on the phone for about a month already . He tells me his car is booted - outside of his house . He had a long drawn out story about how he could not get the boot removed . His dad was staying with him and he thought would be able to use his dad 's car but now he can 't . So I go to get him to go somewhere to eat . He starts panicking saying , " oh great , now I 'm in the car with you and I 'm going to get accused of rape or something . " I asked him what the hell he was talking about . He just kept rocking in his seat anxiously , worried that he would be accused of rape . I drove to the nearest area with food and asked him where he wanted to go . He said he had no money and wanted to go home . So I took him home . Then he asked me if he could borrow $ 20 . I don 't know why , but I gave it to him . After this , he called me repeatedly and I ignored his calls . He texted me asking why he was " not good enough for me to date . " I kept ignoring him . Fast forward 3 years . He is on a dating site I am on . He messages me but does not remember who I am . He tells me that a year ago his long time girlfriend passed away - the one he had lived with for 10 years . So , he was not staying with his dad , and he was freaking out because he lived with his girlfriend when he met me , right outside of his house . I called him out on it and he tried to pretend I had the wrong guy . But he had the same name and worked at the same place , and looked like the same guy . Very bizarre . My freshman year in college I had a crush on a girl from my high school . When I asked her out , she informed me that she only dated women ( I am male ) . She insisted that we were still friends , she just didn 't roll that way . She offered to be my wingman and I gladly took her up on the offer . The date was going fine , so my friend decided to leave Monica and I alone . We talked a bit more and decided to go see a movie . I didn 't have a car at the time so I hopped in Monica 's passenger seat and we went on our way . About two minutes after leaving Arby 's , Monica receives a phone call . She says it 's her roommate and she needs to answer it . She picks up the phone and I hear a man 's voice . I was a bit surprised , but it 's not too unusual for a girl to have a guy for a roommate . Monica and her " roommate " get into some kind of argument , and she pulls over to a gas station . Another car pulls in right beside us . Again , I didn 't think anything of it at the time . Monica turns to me and says " I need to go talk to my roommate . Just wait here for a minute . " I assume she just wants to be on the phone in private , but what happens next will shock you ! Monica gets out of the car and goes to talk to the driver of the car that pulled in next to us . This is where I start to freak out . What are the odds that her roommate happened to pull up right beside us ? ! I hear a bit of yelling and then I start thinking about an escape plan . Now , this is the part of the movie where someone in the audience screams , " Don 't you go with him , now ! That 's how you get killed ! White people always going with the strange man thinking everything will just be a - okay ! " I wish I could say I got smart , said , " No thank you , I 'll just walk " and went home . The guy was pretty big . I was 6 ' 2 ″ at the time and he was significantly bigger than me , if that tells you anything . I don 't remember his name , but we 'll just call him Ross . Anyway , Ross starts driving back to my dorm and we 're sitting in awkward silence for most of the trip . I knew something fishy was happening , so I wasn 't about to say we were on a date . I just say " Oh , we have a mutual friend ! " and hope Ross doesn 't get suspicious . He just nodded his head and kept driving . " Yeah … . A lot of people at our church are upset that Monica and I live together . I think they 're just assuming we 're having sex all the time or something . It shouldn 't even matter since we 're engaged , but it 's still annoying to hear stuff like that , you know ? " I was silent the rest of the night . I told Ross the wrong dorm so he wouldn 't know where I lived , and I got out of the car and just walked around campus for a bit . It was definitely the strangest date I 've ever been on . I met a guy from OKCupid . The first time we met up in a public place and just had a casual chat . It wasn 't a horrible date , but it wasn 't very memorable either . I decided to give him another try because it could have just been nerves . The 2nd date he invited me over to his place … I knew he lived with his parents , but I kind of assumed they 'd be away . They weren 't away . They kept coming into the loungeroom and giving us iced tea and chips whilst he played XBox in his track pants ( no shirt ) and I sat there awkwardly watching . He didn 't really speak much to me . It was 11 pm , and he was in his 30s . I went on a Tinder date with a guy who is now in my contacts as " Donotanswer Penispic . " Prior to the date , he seemed normal . We texted and talked on the phone then arranged to meet at a restaurant / bar . He was cute but definitely bitter about something . He was from California and apparently didn 't like this new city we were in . He started talking about sex and blowjobs and complaining about how uptight everyone here is about sex . He invited the waitress to a party his company was throwing , after sending back the French fries he ordered . I showed him a picture of my dog on my phone ; he took out his phone and showed me a picture of his penis . We walked out of the restaurant together to get our cars from the valet . My car came first and I left . He texted me later that he had my sweater ( apparently I dropped it on the way out ) and if I wanted to see it again I 'd have to hang out with him . RIP , sweater . Met girl on Match . She showed up 20 minutes late . I had to " excuse myself " so I could hide out in the bathroom and write down as much of the batshit crazy things this woman was saying before I forgot . Met a guy online ( of course ) and after talking for a couple weeks we decide to go out . I meet him at his house because ( supposedly ) his car broke down that morning . This guy is dressed like an extra greasy version of the Fonz . I try to look past this but secretly I 'm devising ways I can destroy his leather jacket and dispose of his pomade . His house was also filthy . If you know someone is coming to your house for the first time maybe consider wiping down the counters and chucking the old pizza boxes . While eating dinner he never once asks me anything about myself . He rambled on for at least an hour about his job as a customer service representative , repeatedly comparing it to my job as a 911 Dispatcher . Apparently , they are pretty much the same job . He also kept telling me how much smarter and more attractive I was than his ex - girlfriend who he repeatedly referred to as " the bitch ex . " He wants to go to a movie afterward but I honestly could not imagine sitting through an entire movie right next to this guy ( and not just because he would put down his stinky vaporizer ) . I don 't want to hurt his feelings so I tell him that I think I may have some mild food poisoning and I needed to get him home so I could make a mad dash home . I realized that if I 'd rather claim to have diarrhea then go to a movie with this guy it 's probably not going to lead to a second date . Within a minute of leaving his house , he starts texting me about how great our date was , grilling me to get a time for our next date . I finally tell him that I think he is an awesome guy but our personalities don 't really mesh . He loses it and starts telling me that he 'd never fuck a fat , ugly bitch like me and I should be grateful that he lowered himself enough to go out with me in the first place . Oh , and he hopes I die . I no longer felt bad about not wanting to go on a second date . I haven 't been on a date since then … I 've decided spinsterhood is more my jam . Met a girl online , talked it up , and while she seemed a bit immature , thought heck , why not ? She casually mentioned she really liked pigs . What she meant to say was she was obsessed with pigs . OBSESSED . Go to one of the best restaurants in the area for a first date ( bad idea ) . Sometimes pictures are from someone 10 years prior , or the person hides things , etc . But that wasn 't the problem . She looked just like her pictures . But I didn 't even have to have seen her first because everything else gave it away . She came in a giant T - shirt that had a sparkly pink pig on it . Earrings ? Pig earrings . Bracelets ? Yep , pig bracelets - I swear her dad might have been Homer Simpson . She had this headband on with a little pig on it . Her shoes ? Yep , pigs on the front of the toes ! But best of all ? She had a GIANT ( or at least it seemed giant ) pink purse with the face of a pig on it . You could not stop seeing it once you did . And I 'm sure everyone else in this nicer / classier restaurant saw it too . I felt overdressed with her but under - dressed with every other couple there . It was beyond embarrassing . For some reason which I have to convince myself was politeness not stupidity , we still had dinner . But Reddit , it was the fastest damn dinner I 've ever had at a sit - down place . I practically blurted out something about how " oh , you really do like pigs … " which she started giggling ( oinking ? ) and going on about how everything she has is pig themed . Then she wouldn 't stop , and it became the dominant part of the conversation . There were a dozen other things that made it a train - wreck , but these were the clinchers to a solid 0 / 5 date . I remember , afterward , telling a friend of a friend , because I had to tell someone , and then I promptly buried this as my worst date . Met this girl online , and the way the conversations went it was always friendly , getting to know you type banter . After a few online conversations , we meet up at a bar by her . The plans for the evening were to have drinks there then go play Donkey Kong Country at her place . Being the oblivious male I am , I genuinely was excited to play some DKC on Super Nintendo . We meet up at the bar and things go fine . I wasn 't really attracted to her at all , but she was nice and we had an alright time at the bar . So we get back to her place and start watching TV . I look around and don 't see a Super Nintendo . Thought maybe it was in her bedroom . I don 't mention it because I don 't want to be rude . She makes some drinks . We 're watching Drunk History when all of a sudden she looks at me with murder in her eyes " Are we going to stop playing games ? ! " I look at her , smiling , trying to play it off , " Do you mean Donkey Kong Country ? " She really didn 't appreciate that . She scoffs and then proceeds to chide me about how guys are always wanting to play games and want sex . I told her the only game I was wanting to play was DKC . This is when it got weird . She gets up off the couch , calmly , walks to the kitchen and pulls a butcher knife out of somewhere . She just stands in the kitchen , still with the look of murder in her eyes , and stares me down . She doesn 't move at all , just staring at me with the butcher knife at her side . I look back for what feels like a few minutes , and then I jump up and dash for the front door . I was on a train coming home from work and saw this GORGEOUS girl . Couldn 't keep my eye off her . Then I realized I used to go to church with her like 15 years before ! We weren 't friends … it was early puberty for me so I was still in the picking on girls and being mean to them phase , but oh well , that 's in the past ! I went up , asked her how she 's been what 's she 's been up to . Ah reconnecting ! I asked her where she worked , and she told me , turned out we were about a block apart in the city , so I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch one day . The next day , I text her , we grab lunch , and it 's going splendid , but something is off … . . She is asking very general , ' first date ' questions . Now , while I 'm more than happy to answer , it was bothering me … . then it hit me . She didn 't remember me He picked me up and everything seemed good , we decided to grab a pizza and eat it in a park . When we went to purchase the pizza , it turned out he worked there and had all his co - workers come out to gawk at me . ( This guy wasn 't very popular with the ladies and seemed to be proving he had a date ) . I 'm bad in social situations and got super uncomfortable , but didn 't know how to bail and we went to the park . It was very awkward and I wanted to go home by the end of it . We mostly just sat in awkward silence and tried not to hear each other chewing . I thought I was going home , but he decided he wanted to stop at his house . I agree because I honestly did not know how to disagree . ( First dating experience ) . His home turned out to be with his parents . ( We were both 18 - 20 ) . This wouldn 't have been so bad had they not had all ten of his siblings ( I don 't remember exactly how many siblings he had ) and his parents were home and wanted to meet me . They weren 't just a big , nice family , they were very religious and looked like they belonged to a cult . They all had long hair , homemade clothing , they were home - schooled . The mom said hello , then the dad came in and nobody was allowed to say a word while he questioned me on what me and his son had done on our date and when the family would be seeing me again . It was terrifying . My date showed me his pet turtles , which were really cute , and finally drove me home . He tried to kiss me after making it clear he thought we were in a relationship after one date . At this point , I almost ran from the car . I messaged him later on explaining that I was only looking for friends at this point in time . We had just moved to a new area , and we wanted to check out the local shops and restaurants . While we were wandering , we stumbled into a tiny Italian place . Back home , the small hole - in - the - wall restaurants always have the best food , so we were excited to give it a shot . Big curtains were covering the entry windows , so we had no idea what was inside until we trudged through the door . Inside , we were met with emptiness and silence . We both immediately thought the store was closed , and I spun around and searched for the store hours posted somewhere on the door . While I was looking , we heard a heavy THUD as a young woman barked " I 'll be right with you ! " She appeared , greeted us confusingly , and asked us ' what she could do for us ' . Which , looking back , is probably a red flag . But we were naive and hungry , so we said we were there for dinner . She looked puzzled but motioned us to follow her to a booth right by the entrance . She then disappeared into the back , and we heard a muffled conversation between our hostess and a man . The consensus was basically they were not prepared for us or didn 't know how to proceed . I asked my date if she wanted to split , but she insisted we stay for the story . We waited around thirty minutes , and he again returned with three large bowls of spaghetti and meat sauce . He placed two bowls in front of us , and one next to me for himself . He sat with us and ate . We had light and awkward conversation with him during , and he kept asking us jokingly if we were cops or with the health board . He was incredibly nervous about us , so my date kept cracking corny puns or awful jokes because he would forcibly laugh at anything designed with humor . We talked about our lives , the cities we 've lived in , our pets ( he had a teacup Chihuahua named Princess ) and his wife . He decided we were good people and didn 't charge us for the meal . We wished him a happy birthday , he hugged us , and we went on our way . Easily the best spaghetti I 've ever had in my life . The restaurant , unfortunately , no longer exists . About eight months ago , Tinder date . She suggests brunch at Max 's Wine Dive on McKinney . ( We 're in Dallas . ) I pick her up at the Arpeggio apartments in Victory Park . She 's not ready , so she buzzes me in . Her apartment is beautiful , lots of high - dollar stuff , no roommate . We go to Max 's at 1pm . She drinks an entire bottle of champagne by herself . We leave , and in the car she says she wants to stop by a shop in West Village . I park in the parking garage and get out . I look for her and don 't see her . I hear a noise , so I look around my car and she 's squatting next to the wall peeing on the ground . We go into the shop . She takes a few dresses into the changing room and tells me to come over . I stand outside the changing room and she pulls me inside . She completely undresses , gets in the clothes , asks me what I think , undresses , gets in more clothes , etc . She takes about $ 1 , 500 worth of clothes to the counter and tells the cashier she really has to pee . Cashier says sorry . My date begs , so cashier relents and takes her into the back , but it 's too late . The damage is done . She also buys a new pair of pants . On the way back to her apartment , she answers a call and starts talking in a foreign language that I can 't place . Couldn 't even guess the continent . She 's very nervous and upset . She hangs up and tells me she has to go to her other apartment at the Cirque , also in Victory Park . She asks me to go in with her . We go into her apartment which is also completely beautiful and belongs only to her . She has a badass telescope that I start playing with . In the mirror , I see her open a safe and put something in her purse . She tells me we need to leave and asks me to take her to my house . We go to my house and she instantly passes out . Stays passed out for about 6 hours . Wakes up , wants Dairy Queen . It 's closed and she starts crying . I take her to Sonic . She gets a cheeseburger , a chili dog , cheese fries , and a sundae . We come home , she eats it and throws up . Passes out on my couch . I read and go to sleep . Next morning she asks if she can stay and watch football . I tell her I have plans and need to take her home . She says she can 't go to either of her apartments . I tell her too bad , I have plans , and drop her off at Cirque . She texted asking when we could see each other again but I never responded . I met a girl from Match . All went well , but as a veteran online dater , I only met her for a drink so that we 're not stuck in some awkward dinner thing if we hated each other ; apparently that was set for date # 2 . So , on the second date , she asked me to pick her up outside her place , which I did . I ended up selecting the wrong place from Waze , and we went way out of the way . I could sense she was a little annoyed , but I corrected it , and off we went to the other location . Dinner with plans to go to a band after . We had an hour wait for a table , but luckily that hour was filled with complete utter silence . Dinner was awkward . Not wanting to be rude , I asked her if she still wanted to see the band . Nope . Take me home . Oh thank god . So , we pull up outside her apartment building and she looks over and says goodnight . She grabs the door handle but it doesn 't open . It sticks and you have to lift and pull the door in before it 'll open . Her eyes are WIDE OPEN looking at me , as she tries to open the door frantically . I tell her it sticks , and lean over to open it for her . She SCREAMS . I mean , like I 'm going to rape her or something . I get the door open as she counter - rapes my ear with her screams . She hustles off up the walkway to her apartment and didn 't even close the door to my truck behind her . No third date . I politely said no , I do not think that is a good idea . That there is a pretty solid chance of bed bugs because sealing an item is what you try first when you have those nasty little things . She was having none of it . I refused . She started crying , telling me that I don 't know how it is to not have things and that it is easy for someone born with a " silver spoon in their mouth " to write off a free box spring . She didn 't know me at all and made these assumptions based on who knows what . I suggested that she not call her boss and ask for the days off . I worked in the restaurant industry when I was younger and I knew that her supervisor would not let her call off from her fist weekend . She called her work anyway . She started crying when her boss said " no . " I felt bad for her boss , not her . Her boss fired her on the spot . I paid the check with both of our meals still steaming and untouched . On the way back to her house we reached a stop sign . She jumped out of my truck and ran towards a trash pile . She came back with a hand day - glow painted end table and threw it in the back of my truck . I was a waitress and I had a table of 2 guys . One was very cute and flirting with me and we exchanged numbers . He asked me out and I said yes . I didn 't really go out much and he didn 't tell me where we were going out what we were doing . Me being young and dumb at the time thought that would be exciting . So he drives me a pretty good way from my house and we go to an elementary school . I was really confused . Apparently , he was a basketball coach and they had a game that night . So at this point , I notice I have no reception on my phone and I really wanted to leave but I thought maybe we were going somewhere fun afterward so I gave up trying to call someone to rescue me . I sat and watched this game right next to this dude 's mom . Yeah , this was going well . Finally , the game ended and we go to get in the car and his friend from the restaurant gets in the front seat making me sit in the back . I am super uncomfortable with this and I ask what 's going on . They basically tell me they want to run a train on me . Nope . Fuck that . Take me home now . Hadn 't seen him in ages so I said yes very enthusiastically . I walked into the coffee shop at the right time , look around for Joe , and there 's Joe from business school . A different Joe from business school . Anyway , he was older , of course . I lied about my age and even though I literally looked 11 , he still believed me ( super dumb if me , right ? ) he was in his 20s . " Let 's get a drink , yeah ? " Flash forward and we 're outside of the bar , it 's our time to go inside and the bouncer checking ID asks me about mine . " Uh , oh sorry , I most of left it at home . " I defensively exclaimed . He knew I was bullshitting . I did too . My date looks at me weird and he starts interrogating me , I literally cracked with embarrassment . I started sobbing and at that point , I tried to run inside the bar like I actually had a chance . I even threw a tantrum causing a HUGE scene . Way to show my true age . He holds me back and he found out I lied . He looks at me with a blank expression and I honestly was crushed . It was nothing but silence until he was like , " let 's go somewhere age appropriate then . " " Age appropriate ? " I was shocked , he wasn 't even mad at me . I didn 't know what to do with myself , I just sat in the back of the car , mentally beaten . |
What are my regrets , you want to know ? So many , I don 't know where to begin . On the other hand , I know that no one can do it all in one body . We break off bits of human experience and take them one life at a time . I did what I could do , to the best of my ability . And if my ability was limited , that was as it should have been - for the lessons , of course . I had more regrets at the end of my life than I do now , because now I can see the bigger picture . Then , dying for two years , I had plenty of time to think about all the things I did wrong and all the things I should have done that I didn 't . I regretted not appreciating my parents more when they were alive . I regretted not savouring the childhoods of my kids to a greater degree . They grew up so fast ! And because we weren 't close , they moved far away and I didn 't get to see my grandkids more than a couple of times a year . I regretted not expressing to those I loved how I felt about them . You want to know if I was a man or a woman . Does it matter ? Here , there is no gender . I barely can remember through whose eyes I saw the world in which lifetime . I am still trying to figure out how I need to come back the next time . You want to know how many lives . Honestly , I don 't remember . At least ten . It 's hard to remember further back than that . As I said , they all kind of blend together . I 've often been with the same souls , so I get confused sometimes if , in any particular life , I was the husband or wife , the mother or the child . It 's as if we 're a troupe of actors who often work together , always performing different plays . How long between ? Depends . Sometimes we have to figure things out first ; contemplate and answer our own questions . Sometimes we have to wait for others to die , so we can be together again . But here , there is no time , so what does it matter ? A month of earth time or a hundred years . It 's all the same . Do I feel emotional pain ? When I first came back I did . I was still somewhat attached to the regrets of my last body . I had to work though my guilt . But sooner or later , I got the necessary perspective . Now when I feel anything , it 's compassion . How ? Compassion in that I understand that everyone is on their own journey . We are all doing what we need to do , and our worldly goals often conflict with others ' . Up close , we butt up against each other . We are constricted by our lack of understanding ; by our base human emotions and instincts . It is difficult to find compassion among the living . But here , we are so removed from the pain of everyday life , we are able to see things objectively . We can watch dispassionately yet with more understanding . We can see the how the small players influence the main stage . Mostly I guess , it 's because nobody 's doing anything to us anymore so it 's easy to be generous with our love . How does that love manifest ? As I said , mostly as compassion . Sometimes , we try to whisper and nudge humans in the right direction . To them , it sounds like an inner voice . Unfortunately , most of them don 't listen . I guess we show our love in that we keep trying to make them hear us , even when they ignore us . Do some listen better than others ? Oh , some are marvelous listeners ! Everybody recognizes them , too . They always seem peaceful and sure of themselves . And never afraid . Humans admire those qualities in others , but most of them don 't understand how those qualities develop . They don 't recognize that they could be the same if they only listened to those internal voices that either urged them forward or warned them away . I hope to hear more from this entity . My impression was , it had a lot more to tell me , and that it would , at some other time . I look forward to our next " chat . " I hope to hear more from this entity . My impression was , it had a lot more to tell me , and that it would , at some other time . I look forward to our next " chat . " I didn 't know him when I married him . I was a young woman and he was much older than I was . He had never been lucky with women , never been married . My family arranged for me to travel from my country to his to be his wife . They said my life would be better there . I was taught that wives should behave in a subservient manner towards their husbands so I knew my place . I was clever enough to know I should hide my cleverness . I was efficient . Reliable . Pliable . Not too demanding , at least not initially . After a couple of years , we had a child . I devoted myself to motherhood which gave me far more pleasure than my marriage . I did not have too many friends . My social circle was very small . For the most part , I was limited to the wives of his friends , of which he had very few . Some of the wives were also foreign - born , married sight unseen like me , but they were not from my country . The language barriers made it difficult to share our experiences although I assumed their stories were similar to mine . I would have loved to have had a friend to talk to about my marriage , but it seemed my own husband was not the only one who preferred to keep me from getting to close with others . Initially , he was kind to me . He sometimes lost his temper but he went through the motions of apology . He pretended that we were a happy couple in love . But we were not . Soon he made less of an effort to control his temper . He was an unhappy man and nothing I could do could change that , although I worked hard to be a good wife and give him what he needed . I eventually realized that any intimacy we had at the beginning was purely fantasy . In reality , we had nothing in common . When I first came to him , I respected him . He seemed to me smart and successful and knowledgeable about the world , but of course this was only in comparison to the men I knew from my village . When I got to know him , however , I recognized that he was not worthy of even my insignificant respect . I tried to hide my growing contempt for him , but such things show on the face , in the tone of voice , in the lack of genuine interest in pleasing him . He took out his anger at the world on me . I could do nothing right . I was useless . He was going to send me back and keep our son . No man would ever want me again . Even my own family would reject me because I was such a terrible wife . I would go back to my village and live out my days sweeping the streets , an outcast , a pariah . I believed that he could do this . Worse , I believed that he would do this . I tried harder to put on a good face for him ; to be obedient and of service . I made myself small and invisible when I was not fulfilling his present needs . And then , one day in the market , I saw a woman who had a face typical of the women who came from my country . I said something to her in my language to see if she would respond . To my delight , she did ! We became fast friends . She had come over as a young woman and found work as domestic help . The family she worked for was kind , and even allowed her to take some evening classes in school to improve her language skills . This was something I dared not even ask my husband about . I already knew the answer . I 'd be punished in one way or another just for suggesting that I wanted to become more independent . We met once or twice a week , me with my son and her with her charges . We would do our shopping then steal a few minutes for ourselves in the park , while the children played . We chatted in our mother tongue , and for the first the first time since I 'd arrived , I felt that I had a friend of my own , someone who understood me . Even though , as a married woman , I had more status than she did , I was envious of her position . She knew things about this new land that I never would have imagined and never would have discovered on my own . She was a window into the culture . She might not have had much that was her own , but at least she was free ( so it seemed to me , anyway . ) Eventually , I confided in her how unhappy I was . I felt like a prisoner in my marriage , with escape being worse than captivity . I didn 't want to stay but I had nowhere to do . I had very little of my own money - just the little bit that I managed to hide away from my household budget . It wouldn 't get me and my son anywhere . I had no skills and could not support us . In any case , my husband would not rest until he had hunted me down . I felt like a trapped animal . The isolation of my marriage was unbearable . If it weren 't for my son , I might even have killed myself but I would not leave him alone to be raised by that man . In the early years , when I was merely unhappy , I used to pray for more kindness and understanding from my husband , more patience for myself . Eventually , however , my prayers were not so noble . I began to pray for his death . I knew this was a sin , but it was the only path I could see to my salvation . With him gone , I would be free and have the house and his money . These wishes soon became manifest in my actions . At first , I was defiant in small , secret ways . For example , I would not wash all his clothes but rather fold them and put them back as if they had been laundered . One afternoon , as I began to prepare dinner , I noticed the meat had gone bad . I fed it to him anyway . Slowly , I became emboldened . Sometimes , I would pull plants from the side of the road and add them to his food , hoping that they were poisonous . One day , after he beat me , I was so angry , I picked up some dog feces in the street and added it to his soup . I didn 't have the nerve to actually murder him , but I tried to give Fate a helping hand . But none of these efforts , not any of my prayers , seemed to have any effect on him . How could a man so evil be so lucky ? I never told my friend about my prayers or small sabotages . I didn 't want her to feel responsible if I succeeded . Maybe I was afraid she would encourage me to do worse to him , and that I would allow myself to be led . Finally , one day , after many such miserable years , he was drinking in the local bar and simply fell over , clutching his chest . I pretended to others to be sad - I had become quite good at pretending - but I was relieved that he was finally dead , and that I was not responsible for his death . ( I didn 't figure my prayers had killed him because I 'd been praying for a long time with no results . ) There wasn 't a lot of money left after everything was sold , but it was enough to let me start over somewhere else . I took my son and my friend , and we went far away , and made a new life for ourselves . It was sometimes a struggle , but at least we were free . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Margaret called me to tell me the news . I 'd been expecting it for months ; always on pins and needles waiting for the call to say that Mum was finally gone . She 'd been deteriorating for a couple of years , but since the previous winter , when she 'd taken a nasty spill on the icy sidewalk in front of her house , she hadn 't been herself . She was mentally closed in . She didn 't care about anything any more . She 'd lost her appetite for baking , for her favorite TV shows , for Bingo - for any of the small things that had previously brought her joy . I 'd tried to plan my life around her inevitable and impending passing . I knew when the time came , I 'd have to go back home for a few weeks to help Margie sort things out , sell the house , settle the estate . I never committed myself firmly to any social plans that I couldn 't back out of at the last minute . I made sure to carefully document everything I was doing at work , so anyone else could step in and pick up where I 'd left off . I didn 't leave anything for the last minute , but instead made sure I was ready to go at a moment 's notice . I even had a packed bag stowed in the hall closet . I liked having everything under control . People thought I was uptight and anal , but I found a kind of comfort in having no loose ends , planning for every possible contingency . I had no patience for those who were caught unaware because they hadn 't thought things through . That was just sloppy living , as far as I was concerned . I lived conservatively , saving as much as I could so I 'd have a nice nest egg when I retired … in 30 - something years . I kept my resume up to date and made sure I was current on all the newest industry news and technology , just in case my employment situation changed . When I took a vacation , every hotel , every activity , every transportation connection , every moment , was planned . I was not a spontaneous kind of girl . So , when the Margie 's call came , I called the airline ( I 'd already done the research on bereavement airfares ) and made my reservation . I told my boss that the time was finally here . ( She already knew I 'd be gone for a few weeks , and knew how to retrieve my updated files and worksheets . ) When I got home , I called the funeral home to set into motion arrangements which had already been made . I booked a car service to take me to the airport for my 10 a . m . flight . I called my neighbor who had my key and had already agreed to water my plants . At 6 : 30 a . m . I pulled my bag from the closet and threw in a few last minute items . The car arrived at 7 : 00 and off we went . It was only a twenty - minute drive to the airport , but I wanted to be sure I left myself plenty of time , just in case there was traffic . I was searching through my handbag , mentally calculating how many people we could expect at the house after the services , when I caught some movement ahead . I looked up , curious , to see the side of a huge tractor - trailer coming at us at 50 miles an hour . In actual fact , the truck had jack - knifed and wasn 't moving at all . We were the ones going 50mph . I realize from this perspective how much of my life I wasted on planning . I should have taken more chances . I thought I was protecting myself from risk , but in fact , I was just boxing myself off from growth . Perhaps it 's just as well that I died young . I 'm sure I never would have changed , and it would have been another fifty , sixty years of mere existence , and what 's the point of that ? At least now I have the opportunity to start again . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Life works in mysterious ways . At first , I couldn 't wait to marry her . At the end , I just wanted her dead . I wanted her mouth shut ; her body rotting in the ground , where it belonged . I 'd been helplessly in love with her and she had betrayed me ; turned me into a cuckold ; made me a fool ; built huge , flashing arrows pointing to my weaknesses . If anyone had asked me , I might have said I loved her , but I guess the hatred and resentment was always bubbling beneath the surface . I hated being in her power ; hated myself for not being able to break free . She baited me all the time : Compared my " assets " to those of my best friend , who , I was often reminded , had a " much better set . " Mocking me for every mistake , large and small . Belittling me just because she could . She was beautiful and a bit exotic . When I met her , I couldn 't believe a woman like that would be interested in me . When I 'd ask her why , she told me I was her " diamond in the rough . " She said she would teach me how to be a man , and I believed her . In the beginning , she doted on me and built up my ego . I didn 't feel like merely a man ; I felt like " The Man . " Ultimately , however , no matter how much she tried to polish me , no matter how nice a setting she put me in , I was always the same old hunk of worthless rock . Soon , she hated me for it . She believed , if I 'd only loved her enough , I would change . My apparent inability to grow a spine was a slap in her face . It was a brutal transition between her believing in me and her no longer giving a damn . I ached for the early days . I still believed I loved her because I remembered how she used to make me feel . She took so much pleasure in tormenting me , and I accepted it . I believed I deserved it . My thinking went : " At least she 's still here ; at least I can satisfy her in some way . " My father had just passed away a few months before . I hadn 't had much contact with him since I 'd left home years earlier . I had no use for him . From boyhood , he , too , belittled me . At the time , I would not have said I was deeply affected by his death . It 's funny , but I can 't remember the exact words she said that set it all in motion , but it was something that cut me so deep , it opened up all the wounds from my youth . Every last scab was ripped off and they were all stinging and bleeding again : The existential fear of my own worthlessness . The self - loathing because I didn 't have the confidence to stand up for myself . The inability to trust my own judgment in any situation , thus deferring to anyone and everyone , and never having a voice of my own . In that moment , I remembered the bullies who used to tease me , especially the day I came out of school to discover they 'd set my brand new bicycle on fire . I remembered my father whispering to family members and friends , and them looking at me and laughing . I was never sure exactly what he was telling them , but I felt it had to do with my most recent failure at sports or at school , with the way I 'd mishandled a chore or errand . Nothing - and I mean nothing in my entire life - had ever impressed him . Even when I got married to that beauty , he made sure I knew he didn 't believe she really loved me . She must be some kind of gold - digger , he suggested , then corrected himself . " Nah , you 're never going have enough money to make it worth any gold - digger 's time . " She and I were standing in the living room , next to the fireplace . She was on a rant , haranguing me with the entire catalog of my flaws and weaknesses . After a while , I didn 't hear the individual words ; I just felt the toxicity of their intent . I couldn 't breathe . The poisonous cloud was enveloping me , choking me . I had to make it stop . I picked up the heavy , metal mantle clock , and without thinking , hit her with it on the side of the head . She crumpled in a heap . Dead . Oh yes . Definitely dead . It didn 't take them long to figure out the truth . She was dead and I was crying crocodile tears . I had motive and opportunity . It took about ten minutes at the station for me to confess the whole thing . I was actually relieved that it was over . I was in my own private hell . It was as if every torment in my life had been distilled to its very essence and applied here . There were no lessons to be learned , only pain to be avoided . After about four years , with another 20 before I was even up for parole , I wanted to die . Ironically , in prison , they do their best to keep you from killing yourself . They prefer you alive so they can take their retribution one cut at a time . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I knew it was going to be over soon when I started getting the night terrors . Everything spooked me … every creak of a floorboard ; a branch blowing against a window . When a plane flew low over the neighborhood , I 'd start shaking and sometimes couldn 't stop for hours . During the day , I went to the Center , where there were other guys like me . We joked around , played cards , told jokes . Smoked a lot of cigarettes . We held it together in front of the others with the one gram of pride we had left . But when I went home alone to my small room over an old lady 's garage , that 's when the fear started to come back . Too jumpy to sit still , sometimes I 'd work out until I dropped from exhaustion . In the beginning , with a little luck and a pill , I could sleep through the night . Towards the end , nothing helped me stay asleep . Through it all , I was terrorized by memories of the things I 'd seen and the things I 'd done . Regret , guilt and terror . These were all I was capable of feeling . When I first returned , I thought my emotions would eventually normalize and I 'd go back to the way I used to be . But I was permanently damaged . Eventually I came to understand that some things change us so cataclysmically that the core is literally ripped from our soul . Reunification comes only with death . This dawned upon me slowly . For a long time , I was in denial . I told myself I would get better - I 'd just have to work harder . Ultimately , though , I recognized there would never be healing for me . This was my only option . Eventually , I would have to do it . I walked around like an oozing sore , pustulating with malignancy and anger , infecting those around me . I was angry that killing myself was my only choice . I was angry that at 24 , it had come to this . I should have had a long , happy life ahead of me ; a wife and kids . Instead , I was just a husk of a human being . Killing myself wasn 't really going to destroy anything that wasn 't already completely destroyed . After I realized that this would be my inevitable end , I still managed to hang on for nearly another year . In that time , I turned over every rock in my soul , looking for progress , looking for a reason to hope . Under everything there was nothing but dust . I thought about it seriously for a few weeks , wondering how I would go about it . I didn 't want to leave a mess upstairs for the old lady . She 'd been nice to me . It didn 't want her to be traumatized by finding my body . I didn 't want anyone to have to find my body or clean up after me . I just wanted to be gone , quickly , quietly , painlessly and with the least amount of fuss . One night , I packed up my things in a bag , left out whatever money I had on the bed for the landlady to find , and walked out to a place I knew would work . I threw the bag off the bridge first , then followed it into the dark icy water below . Nobody saw me fall . The current was swift . I was out to sea before anyone missed me . I didn 't leave a note . No one would bother to look for me . They 'd all assume I 'd just left town . If anyone did eventually figure out what happened , they would know the reason why . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I used to think I knew everything . I was a famous man , and people listened to what I had to say , as if I were a credible conveyor of All Truth . In my defense , I have to say I did know quite a lot . I had a very sharp intellect and piercing wit . People paid to hear me speak and I expounded freely . How I loved having an audience ! I believed I was better , smarter and understood more truth than anyone else . Only now do I understand how little I actually knew . Here , I can see the absolute vastness of all I do not know or understand . Perhaps my soul never will . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! La I was vain , it is true . And my vanity caused many others to suffer . I was vain about things I had no right to claim as my own - my looks , my status ( which was inherited , and then enhanced by marriage . ) As I got older , I took care of myself as best I could , to maintain the illusion of youth as long as possible . After a certain number of years , however , age simply catches up . A woman loses her sexual power over men . If this is all she has , if she 's put all her eggs in this particular basket , she ends up with nothing . At 79 , I was still elegant ; still invited to all the right parties . My last companion was 53 . It was obvious to everyone except me that he was playing me . I wanted to believe that I still had enough wit , charm , and charisma to attract such a witty , charming , charismatic man . When I died , he and my children ( with whom I was never particularly close ) , got into a protracted legal fight over my estate . From where I was , I didn 't care who won . I could see how utterly pointless their battle was . The loser , in the end , was the real winner , although it took a while for that understanding to sink in . note : Today I was out for a walk and ran into two women I haven 't really spoken to in over a year . The first woman is a neighbor , and though we usually have a quick hello when we see each other on the street , today we ended up chatting for an hour . Mostly , she talked about her mother , who had passed the previous year . There was nothing unusual in that . It made perfect sense in the context of the conversation we were having , although it was the longest conversation we 've had , probably in two or three years . From there , I went to the supermarket . Right in front of me in line , was someone who 'd worked for me very briefly over a year ago . We have not been in touch . I asked her how she was doing , making light conversation . She told me her mother had just passed away . While waiting to check out , she started telling me all about her mom , her personal history , her days as a political organizer . I didn 't think anything odd about either of these encounters at the time . Later , however , I wondered if this wasn 't something more than mere coincidence . They hadn 't simply mentioned their mother 's recent deaths . That would have been the normal kind of news one might share in such circumstances . But thinking about it , it seemed unusual that they both spontaneously told me their mother 's story , in far more detail than what was warranted by our casual relationships , as if it were important for me to know . ___ If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was 26 when my mother died . I felt at once bereft because there was nobody left in the world who really loved me . At the same time , I felt liberated - I was no longer responsible for anyone 's needs or expectations . I was free to go anywhere , do anything , without worrying that I would be a disappointment to the one person who counted on me . I never saw any of them again and that suited me fine . No bonds , no expectations , no one to answer to or disappoint . I was truly free . It wasn 't until I retired at age 53 , that I began to notice my loneliness . It wasn 't too easy for a grizzled old man like me to attract a decent , respectable woman . I had no idea how to be with a female for more than a few hours at a time . I didn 't understand how their brains functioned ; what made them tick . They confused and frightened me , these alien creatures . I kept my distance . And soon , I , too , became a pathetic , lonely old drunk whose entire social life was passed in the pub down the road from my tiny flat . I discussed the latest news and gossip with the rest of the drunks . Some were married but came down to escape their nagging wives and screaming kids for a few hours . There were a few widows and widowers , who missed the familiar companionship of their spouses and sought a cheap substitute in virtual strangers . There were a fair number of men whose wives had just up and left them . It was hard to figure if their wives had left because their husbands were drunks , or if the husbands were now drunks because their wives had abandoned them . I suppose there were some of each . The women tended to wear their desperation more openly , and I , for one , didn 't want to drown in their messy emotional vichyssoise . I preferred to pay someone and have it be neat and uncomplicated . This , to me , was better than having some drunken old cow clinging to me as she cried in her beer . When I was 61 , I started to lose my memory . At first , it was only small things , which I told myself was just normal forgetfulness for a man my age . Soon , however , it became obvious even to the others that something was seriously wrong , although I lived in denial for a long time . Of course , as my dementia progressed , it was nearly impossible for me to see for myself how bad it was . I was often confused . Usually , after a night of drinking , one of the other men walked me home because I tended to get lost , even in the familiar streets I should have known so well . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was rather dim - witted then ; functionally retarded you could say . This absolved me of having to think . I went through this life only feeling , without the wits to understand or analyze . My brain was a dull instrument , not sharp enough to dissect the motivations of others . I was never able to understand why others wanted to hurt me or treat me badly . Often , I mistook their mocking laughter for friendship and acceptance . One afternoon , the younger boys were teasing me . One of them pushed me out of the hayloft into those large bales of hay down there . He didn 't mean to hurt me . He was just joking around . It should have been a soft landing , but I fell on a sharp piece of baling wire and it pierced my thigh . I cleaned the wound with soap and water , and wrapped it in bandages I tore from an old work shirt . But it needed more medical attention than that . It became infected and it hurt badly , but I hid it from everyone because I didn 't want to get the boys in trouble . I wanted them to like me . The boss or the doctor would have asked how it happened , and I would be compelled to tell them because I didn 't know how to lie . I didn 't understand how serious the infection had become . Even when the pain became almost unbearable and I was raging with fever , I said nothing . And nobody paid enough attention to me to notice my condition . Eventually the wound became septic and my illness could no longer be concealed . By the time I received proper medical attention , it was too late . I died a few weeks later . I was 26 . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Woke up this morning with a " story " in my head , demanding to get out . I " wasn 't allowed " to eat or get dressed or turn on my computer until I 'd written this down , long - hand , in the notebook beside my bed . I 'm still not sure if I 'm " writing " or " channeling " them . Either way , I have decided to keep a journal as they come to me . The nature of the stories is changing . Previously , I was shown a scene and was imparted with information about how the person died . Now , I am getting feelings and translating them into words . Most of these " narrators " do not tell me their names , and I don 't ask . I like the idea that they could have lived almost anywhere in the world . This makes their stories more universal . However , going forward , in order to be able to distinguish one narrator from another , I have given each a one syllable name . I have made the names purposefully vague and cryptic so they do not imply any geography or ethnicity . They are indicative of nothing . Please do not read anything into them . I suppose if I felt anything , it was relief . I was exhausted from trying to make it work . Years and years of forgiveness and sacrificing my own needs to the needs of the relationship . I knew it was going to be a long , hard slog , raising two young boys on my own , but at least we 'd all be pulling as one unit , in the same direction , instead of working against each other , draining each other of happiness , sucking each other dry . In the long run , the boys would be happier , too . Br was an angry and selfish man . The boys saw him in the clear pure way that children always see the obvious truth . Their dad was an insecure bully and though the kids had no respect for him , he was their father and he still had the power to hurt them . He wasn 't worthy of their respect , but they still wanted his . They thought , in their innocent way , that if he could just stop the anger in his head long enough to really see them for the terrific little people they were , he 'd realize what he stood to lose . Then he 'd change and everything would be OK . Br was very good with words . He was a real poet when it came to asking for forgiveness . An irresistible force . But no matter how many times he promised to do better for us , no matter how many times I reached deeper into my soul to find a little more love for him , he would invariably disappoint us and hurt us again . It was better apart . He would no longer have to face , on a daily basis , what an utter failure he was as a husband , as a father , as a functional human being . He just didn 't have the energy any more to try and be someone better . I thought my love , our love , would be enough to change him , but none of it did any good . I could now devote my full emotional attention to my boys . They 'd always craved more of me . They were happy and relieved to finally have it . They healed me , they did , with their humor and insight and childlike wisdom that so often brought things into perspective when I felt as if I were spinning out of control . When my youngest was in the second grade , I forgot to attend his school play . I knew it was coming up , but forgot about it the day of . I was overwhelmed at work . I 'd been working 12 hr days for the past few weeks and had barely gotten to see the kids . My mom sometimes watched them . Some nights , they went home with friends . Sometimes I paid for a babysitter - a girl who lived down the street . And in the sweetest , most loving voice , that little boy said to me , " It 's OK , Mommy . I know you feel bad about my play . I know you are worried that I think you don 't love me , but I do know how much you love us because I can see how hard you work to take care of us . A school play is just one day but a job is every day . " Maybe that 's a stereotype - kids of divorced parents growing up , emotionally , very quickly . It 's a kind of Hollywood trope that such kids are preternaturally wise beyond their years . But it does seem to happen that way in real life quite a lot . Now I know the reason why . In those days , I had no time to think about spiritual matters . I was working long hours , topped off by parental responsibilities . In the very early days , there was the additional stress and nastiness of a messy divorce . Br had started drinking again , in earnest now and without brakes . When we were together , he would fall off the wagon from time to time , and that was bad enough , but now he wasn 't even trying to stay sober . On several occasions , he didn 't make it to the lawyer 's office for meetings . When he did , he was usually at least partly drunk or hung over . Whereas in the past , I might have tried to reach in and " save " him or at least make the effort to understand the psychic pain he was trying to self - medicate away , I no longer felt him as a part of me . He wasn 't my emotional responsibility anymore . If he drank himself to an early grave , I wasn 't even sure I 'd feel sorry . I simply had no emotional energy left for him . He 'd frittered away all my concern and love for him . If and when he ever needed it again , there would be nothing left in reserve . Ironically , when I died years later , he was still alive , albeit not so well . The boys were already grown . My oldest was married with a new baby girl , who I was so happy to get to meet before I left . My husband came to my funeral and sat in the back . He was sober then , but years of alcoholism had taken their toll . He looked 87 not 57 . " Your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me , " he told him . " but I wasn 't good enough for her . I had to leave , otherwise I would have destroyed all of you . " If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
There are many things in this life that I wonder about , I suppose that the good Lord allowed us to have some things just to teach us patience and endurance . But some things just seem to have no purpose in this world . No matter how much I try , I can see no purpose for mosquitoes or wasps , other than to test your reflexes and speed . I can tolerate flies for the most part and at times enjoy a little swat practice . However , there is one thing that I am appalled by more than mosquitoes and wasps , that is horse flies . Just what is their purpose ? If I think real hard and am generous with my horse fly evaluation , perhaps I could say that they make enjoyable entertainment for sadistic horse gazers . My Grandson and I were watching our Grullo Stallion yesterday who was being pursued by an average horse fly . This horse fly was no more intelligence than any other horse fly that I have known . All horse flies are brilliantly clever . They know just where to land on a horse 's rump in order to stay aboard for the maximum amount of time . Poor Badger was doing all sorts of calisthenics , stretching his neck as far as it could reach , while stretching his legs out straight in front of him and he just couldn 't get it . He did a series of bucks , twists and jumps in the air , but that didn 't work either . So he finally ran to just the right spot and threw himself on the ground and rolled in the mud . That did the trick , the problem was that as he was getting back on his feet the fly just landed again in the same spot . Badger is not a slow learner , the next time he rolled , he jumped back up on his feet and was out of there . He ran as hard and fast as he could , trying to outrun the horse fly , but to no avail . My Grandson and I didn 't really enjoy the show that he was putting on but we did watch it . When our Appaloosa stallion gets a horse fly on him , he runs to the fence and waits for me to whack it with the broom . If you whack a horse with a broom at any other time of the year , they take offense at it . But during horse fly season they love it . It can Written by I didn 't lose any chickens yesterday , this is an improvement . We are making progress . I did sell Copper yesterday evening , he went to a good home . He will be used as a buck . Angel didn 't like it , she is still looking for him this morning . That is the sad part of selling my kids , it upsets Angel but his mother didn 't seem to mind at all . I think she was ready to let him go . We had storms all through the night and I have water in my living room this morning . I don 't understand why sometimes the rain comes in and sometimes it doesn 't . I wish some philanthropist would give me about $ 100 , 000 , I could really put it to good use . I need a house . Or better yet , it would be nice if a couple of people would retire from the Post Office and my Husband would get a regular postal route and become a full time employee instead of a substitute or RCA , no one wants to retire anymore . Another possibility is that we could sell all of our 30 + horses at reasonable prices . That would really help out , think of the money that we would save on feed alone . We did sell a yearling filly , Biscuit is moving to Texas on Monday to become a broodmare . She will be raising spotted mule foals . We will really miss her , she has the sweetest disposition . You can sweet talk her into anything and once she learns something she retains it . My orphan chicks are all doing well so far . The two barred rock chicks have taken up with another barred rock hen and they are roosting in the goat / chicken shed at night on the highest perch , next to the biggest rooster . My three little banty chicks have tried to join the other banty chicks but the hen won 't allow it . So they are on their own , they roost in the same nest that their mother always took them to at night , they have no protection at all . At least one of them is a rooster and he is trying to protect his little family but it is a big responsibility for such a young chick . I was tempted to put them in a cage but the barred rock chicks were so unhappy in the cage that I hate to do it to the banties after they have been Written by Busy , busy , busy , I have so much to do that I am actually looking forward to winter . My Husband will be very upset by this comment . I don 't have time to blog but I will use it as an organization tool . I finally got most of my Spring surge of rope halter orders finished . I currently only have two outstanding orders that total 6 halters . Then this morning I got an order for 17 more halters . I am in the process of building a large website for a Barrel Racer and Trainer . I have all of the information and pictures that I need to finish it , I just need to pull it all together . I also have been asked to do a local website for our community that I would really like to do a nice job on , it will be complicated with a lot of information , I am donating the entire site and my time . At this point , I am trying to figure out how I want to do it . I will post a link to it here when it is finished . We have sold a horse and possibly another one , this requires some major attention this week because someone will be here to pick one of them up on August 4th , she will have to have all of her paperwork and Vet exam done this week . I really need to update our website but it always gets pushed to the bottom of my " to do " list . I don 't even have the new foals on there yet . Dishes and laundry are an unending problem for me . As is Cooter who has to be moved from location to location throughout the day . Plus goats and chickens to be fed and cared for . I spent most of the morning this morning looking for one of my Mille Fleur D ' Uccle hens , she has totally disappeared orphaning her three chicks , this is the same hen that was picked up by the hawk a week or so ago . I really hate that I am loosing my broody hens but especially my Millies . I haven 't been able to find any feathers anywhere , so it must have been a hawk that got her . I am thinking about renaming our place to The Fox and Hawk Food Farm or Predator 's Ranch . I had to get my DH a cell phone so that I would always be able to reach him when he is away from home and I have some emergency . Like mares foaling or stallions escaping their pens and getting in with each other . That is always a good way to get your heart rate up . I can deal with mares foaling but when the two studs get together , I feel a little overwhelmed . The problem that I have is that he never seems to have it with him . He does faithfully take it to work with him but he leaves it lying here by the computer most of the rest of the time . We can 't afford a cell phone plan . I can 't justify it with our measly income , so we have used a Tracfone for the last 3 or 4 years . I can usually get a good coupon code , so that it doesn 't cost us that much . I do get a little upset that at both places of employment where my DH works , they have his Tracfone number and call him , burning up my hard earned minutes . I believe that if they need to get in touch with him then they should pay for his minutes or supply him with a phone . I purchased minutes for the phone last night on the Tracfone website . I bought the one year card with 400 minutes , then used the coupon code 52057 to get 200 bonus minutes . I had previously purchased double minutes for the life of the phone , so that doubled the 400 minutes . This was added to units and time that I had left , so that took me to January of 2010 with 1026 minutes for $ 100 . This coupon code expires sometime in August . I told him this morning that just because I got a good deal and he has a lot of minutes doesn 't mean that he can use them to gab for long periods of time with anyone but me . I will be watching . Since way back when our eldest Son became a young man , I have thought that he inherited his redneckness from my side of the family . He instinctively liked to do the same things that I liked to do as a teenager . That was to go to Jackson County and just hang out in the deep woods . While other girls my age were doing a lot of shopping and Malls were just coming into existence . I preferred going coon hunting , fishing or just driving around in God 's country , if my cousin and I could talk her Dad into it . He never disappointed us . Even if it was in the middle of the night and he didn 't have any spare batteries for his flashlight , us kids would just hold each other 's hands and run through the woods after him and the coon dog . Now back to my original thought , I am not a total redneck although I must admit I am mostly one . Just like today , when my Mother - in - law and my Husband 's Aunt came to visit . I had perfect manners , I swept the chicken poo off of the front stoop . I consider my Husband 's Mother a special guest and I don 't mind going that extra mile for her . My Mother - in - law won my heart years ago , when we were first married . She dropped in unexpectedly one day and told me that I didn 't need to mop and wax the floors everyday as I had been doing . That totally changed my life . I don 't think that I have mopped at all since then . Now where was I ? Oh , yes , my Son 's bloodlines . After what happened tonight , I am not sure that all of our Son 's quirks came from my side of the family . We had gone to our youngest Son 's house to see what they were putting in their garage sale tomorrow . They didn 't have anything that I was interested in , until I saw the red wagon . I can 't tell you how excited I was at the very sight of it . All goat herders should have a red wagon , they are perfect for hauling feed and water . Some goat herders flaunt their wagons , like a trophy . The really snooty ones have John Deere green wagons . This wagon was purchased for my Granddaughters , it has fold up seats on each end , facing each other . It even has cup holders . Written by I am usually pretty in tune with the sounds outside the house but two of my Granddaughters were here yesterday and I didn 't hear the fox catch one of my Barred Rock hens . I took the girls out to the sandbox during the late afternoon and noticed that she wasn 't with her two chicks . They were searching for her and confused . But since the banty hens have been leaving their chicks at times , I thought she might just have wondered off somewhere . Late in the evening after my DH got home from work , I took the oldest girl out with me to milk and still no hen . We started looking around and I found many of her feathers in one of our stud pens . When I went back inside , I asked my Husband to go look for her while I stayed with the girls . When he returned , he said that it was a fox and that he followed the trail of feathers to the woods behind the neighbor 's house and that he has a path under the fence . As soon as our Son picked up the girls , we went out to try to catch the chicks . It would have made a good funniest video . There was a lot of running , tripping and getting in each others way in the chase that ensued . After many failed attempts my DH managed to pen them to the ground with the long handled swimming pool skimmer . Then I picked them up and put them in a cage . All in all , it was a great exercise routine . I am pretty upset with this fox and myself . I have had several good shots at him that I have missed . He always shows up at noontime but he may go for weeks without coming at all . I guess he gets tired of having chicken all of the time . I can sympathize , I don 't like chicken very often myself . I am however , longing for some raw fox meat . Before the clock reaches midnight tonight , I thought that I would blog about the day , it was lovely . It wasn 't hot like it has been for the last several days , it was just right . I made Cooter a new colorful goat rope halter . He had outgrown his old one and since I am staking him out everyday , I wanted him to be comfortable . The bright colors won 't last long with the way he will treat it . When I went to get Cinder to milk her this morning , Angel ran out the gate while I was taking Cinder out . This was strange behavior for her , so I watched to see what she was doing . She went right straight to the truck and tried to get into the back , she sniffed all around and then went into the barn / house where our large dog crate is and sniffed it . I finally realized that she was looking for Zinc , the goat kid that we took to his new home yesterday . She takes her responsibility for every goat very seriously . She is a great livestock guardian dog . My Husband thought that the grass was getting too deep in the goat lot , so he put Shorty our miniature horse in there to eat down the grass some . But as soon as his belly was full , he started chasing the goats and horsing around . The goats didn 't want to play and Angel didn 't want to play . He was running them from one end of the lot to the other , so I rescued them by opening the gate , they all ran out past me in desperation . Shorty used to stay with them all of the time and they got along fine except when he would get the rips , like he did today . I put halters and lead ropes on Cinder and Calico , then tied them up in a lush shady spot . Angel and the other goats will not leave them , so every one enjoyed the day and the change in diet . My poor Husband was feeding some horses and moved a separation gate , then got stung by another red wasp . They seem to have nests everywhere we turn this year . Monday was weaning day because we always try to wean in the sign . The goat kids were permanently separated from Calico on Monday . This meant that I had to start milking her twice per day just like Cinder , her Mother . We also weaned Garnet , our Walkaloosa colt . The way we weaned him was to load his mother up and take her to a friend 's place . That left him with the other foals and their mothers . He hardly even missed her until this morning . My poor Husband had gotten stung by a bumble bee the other day while pulling up a fence post that had a nest in it . He was fortunate that he was only stung once . He had a reaction to a red wasp sting many years ago after getting stung several times by bumble bees , so I am always a little nervous when he gets stung by anything . On Monday while we were hooking up the horse trailer to take Garnet 's mother away , I cranked the trailer up and gave direction , while he backed the truck up . As soon as he was in position , I left to do something else and he hooked the trailer up . He soon found out that there was a wasp nest in the trailer hitch and barely escaped an attack . I gave him some wasp spray and went into the trailer to make sure that there were no nests inside . I looked very carefully and cautiously . I then proclaimed it to be safe and again walked away to do something else . The next thing I know , he is unlatching the slant gate inside the trailer and he comes dancing out , complaining about getting stung . I believe he also mentioned something about making me an appointment with the eye doctor , he has brought this up several times lately . He thinks that I need new glasses . I went inside , grabbed a penny and slapped it on the sting site on his arm . I had gained this priceless piece of first - aid information from a forwarded e - mail , so it had to work , right ? He kept the penny in place for awhile then we put a baking soda and water paste on it and wrapped it up , so that he could keep working . I took that extra precaution of making him take an antihistamine . While loading the two horses that Written by Yesterday was an exciting day . My expecting Daughter - in - law had her midway ultrasound and was suppose to find out the gender of the baby . They have three daughters ages 5 and under . We have been calling this new baby an " it " which is a little uncomfortable . I waited for her phone call and when it came , she was cruel and told me that the baby wouldn 't cooperate and that they couldn 't tell what it was . But that she was coming down to show us the 15 minute video . I told my Husband when I hung up that she said that they couldn 't tell , but that she was probably lying to me . He didn 't understand why she would lie to me about it until I told him that she was bringing a 15 minute video down . As soon as they arrived , I started interrogating the girls . They were very convincing and I started thinking that she had told me the truth after all . So we watched the video and I first thought that I saw boy parts but then I thought I saw girl parts . Finally right before the truth was revealed , my DIL admitted that she knew and wanted to know if we knew , which we didn 't . Then the lady doing the ultrasound , after shaking the baby several times trying to get it to uncross it 's legs , circled the area and it was plain to see that it is a boy . I guess the lady knew right from the beginning that it was a boy but she knew that they already had three girls , so she made them wait until she got a really clear picture so they could see for themselves . His big sisters will finally be able to quit fighting over who has to play the roll of the Prince . My chicks are getting so big and they are all different , very colorful . Only two have feathered feet and only one looks like it might be a pure bred Mille Fleur D ' Uccle . It will probably turn out to be a rooster . They are starting to get aggressive . When I turned them out this morning they where all running around my feet chasing each other and pecking each other . I guess they are trying to establish a pecking order . These are some pictures that I took some time ago of the chicks , they are much bigger and have more feathers now . I think that I discovered this morning what got away with my little red hen . I had just come in from feeding the chickens early this morning and sat down in front of the computer , when I heard a commotion outside the door in the drive through part of the barn . All of the chickens were squawking and scattering . I ran out the door but only saw all of the chickens running toward the goat / chicken house , except for the two Mille Fleur D ' Uccles with their chicks . I looked around and found that one of the D ' Uccle hens was missing . Her three chicks were chirping loudly and looking for her . I wasn 't sure what had happened but summoned my dear Husband from his slumber to assist . He went one way and I went another . I noticed that several crows were pitching a fit and were attacking something out in the pasture . It was too small for a hawk , unless it was a young one . It flew away and my little D ' Uccle hen was staggering around in the pasture on her way back to the yard , disoriented . I picked her up and brought her back to her chicks . She was not injured that I could tell . It could have been a falcon , we had one here once before that stayed around all day then moved on . It landed on my Husband 's head , which kind of took him by surprise . It acted pretty tame , so we assumed it was someone 's pet or had escaped from captivity . But we could never catch it , although we could get close to it . We didn 't have chickens at the time . Whatever this was this morning , it is a small bird of prey and flew right in the back door of the barn , grabbed the hen and flew out the front door . I told my DH that I wouldn 't take a thousand dollars apiece for my Livestock Guardian Crows . I think he though might since we have so many . I lost another chicken yesterday evening . This was one of the very first chickens that we got . We called her the Little Red Hen . She was special , all of the roosters fought over her and she was the bossiest of the hens . She would fight anything that got in her way . Little Red was just a red banty hen that wasn 't very pretty but she had a lot of personality . She laid a medium sized egg , she was the only hen that we had that did that . I saw her throughout the day yesterday and even saw her during the evening hours . But late in the evening after it cooled down some , I got in the swimming pool . I know that you are suppose to swim when it is hot but my pool water gets pretty warm after several days of hot weather and who wants to swim in hot water on a hot day ? While I was in the pool I did see a hawk . That was just about the time that the chickens were going to roost . My DH asked me where she was , after he went to gather the eggs . Since we had just shot at the fox the day before , my guess is that the hawk got her . I didn 't hear a struggle and she just disappeared so suddenly . I haven 't even found any feathers . I was hoping that she would come into the barn / house with the rooster this morning , just like every morning , but he came in alone . Thieves struck once more , we woke up Saturday morning with no phone service and thus no dial - up internet service . They have stolen our phone lines again . I am getting a little put out about it . I can understand it happening a few times but this is getting ridiculous . Like I have said before , they only strike after midnight on the weekends and they are always in the same area , our side of town . Why can 't they be caught ? Where is the Lawrence County Sheriff 's Department ? They must be busy like the Indiana State Police , pulling over dangerous criminals like my Stepdad who is in his late 70 's and has never had a ticket before in his life . You would think that with his record they would have just given him a warning for driving a little over the speed limit , but no , they gave him a ticket . They have to get that quota , you know . I have always been a supporter of Law Enforcement but I think all of the good men must be in Iraq or Afghanistan . What we are left with here at home are just power hungry wantabees , who don 't want to take any risks with dangerous law breakers . They just want to collect fines from safe , mostly law abiding citizens who 's only sin is traffic violations . I am sorry but in this day and age , with drunk drivers , dope addicts and peddlers , thieves , murderers , child molesters and abusers . Why are we so worried about an elderly man with a clean record going 5 or 10 miles an hour over the speed limit ? I want to respect Law Enforcement Officers and I know that there are some good ones out there , but it is getting easier to see them all as abusing their power and taking the easiest path . It kind of reminds me of today 's cowboys who don 't want to ride bucking horses , they just want to stick with the bulls , helmets and protective vests . Hopefully this war will end soon and the real men will come home . Calico did very well for her first milking . The kids also did well , they didn 't complain at all . Calico was talking to them this morning but they didn 't really act like they were missing her . I milked Cinder first , then fed grain to the babies in the dog kennel and put a halter and lead rope on Calico . I led her to the barn and it only took a hand full of grain to get her to jump up on the milk stand . She buried her face in the grain and didn 't care what I did to her . I first tried hand milking her , she has perfect teats that are very easy to milk . She didn 't stomp or kick even one time . She is nothing like her mother , Cinder . who still has to have hobbles after years of milking . I did put the hobbles on Calico before I put the milker on her . She didn 't even notice until all of her grain was gone , then she realized that her hind feet where tied together and she didn 't like that at all . I will only be milking her once per day until the kids are completely weaned . Tomorrow morning I will try milking her without the hobbles . After I finished milking her , I let her eat grass in the yard for awhile before turning the boys back in with her . They surprised me , they didn 't even act that anxious to nurse after being away from her overnight . I guess they are getting old enough to handle adulthood and separation from their mother . I finally got around to starting the weaning process for Copper and Zinc today , it is way overdue . It isn 't a complete weaning just a start . I put them in the dog kennel for tonight , then I will milk Calico for the very first time tomorrow morning . I will turn the kids back in with her after they have been fed grain in the morning . I thought that they would cry all evening but so far they haven 't made a peep . Our fox returned this evening . I was just getting ready to milk Cinder and had gone to the back of the barn / house to put grain in the feeder on the milk stand , I hadn 't brought Cinder in yet . I looked out the back door and there was that sneaky fox sniffing around . I went directly into the house and said , " FOX " to my DH who was on the computer at the time . I grabbed the . 22 magnum rifle and as I went back out the door , I said , " FOX " again , still no response , so I yelled it at him . That time he heard me and jumped up and got my . 22 rifle . I just stood inside the back of the barn and waited on my Husband to shoot because I have missed him before and I thought that maybe the DH might be able to hit him . He waited until the fox came closer and he had a perfect shot , but he is just as bad as me . The fox jumped straight up in the air when he shot and took off to the woods . It was hot yesterday . It is going to be hot again today . I have to stake my Buck out to eat now because we don 't have any hay . The goat lot where the does stay has plenty of grass , clover and weeds but my buck lot is small with nothing green in it . I usually stake him out in places with lots weeds that need cleaning up but yesterday was so hot that I just tied him out in the morning shade then put him back in his cool lot during the heat of the day . When I stake him out I have to periodically untie him and lead him to water . The silly thing will hardly ever drink when I take him . He is like a camel , he only wants to drink once a day and when he does drink , he drinks a lot . Since Cooter spent most of the day in his lot , I had to stake him out in the evening after it cooled down some . I didn 't want to leave him staked out over night but he very seldom gets tangled up where I have been putting him , so I left him there . I checked on him a couple of times during the night . Early this morning when I went out to check on him he was lying flat out on his side , I thought he was dead . I yelled at him and he didn 't move . I walked up on him and saw that he was breathing deeply and slowly , but he still didn 't respond . I said his name and he fluttered his eyelids but still didn 't wake up . I put my hand on his hip and shook him real hard , he finally opened his eyes but still didn 't raise his head . I thought something had to be wrong with him . I asked him what was wrong and he lazily raised his head and looked at me , then finally got to his feet and stretched . I was glad that he was alright , though I couldn 't figure out what could be wrong with him . I just couldn 't believe that he would sleep that sound . I know it isn 't because he has a clear conscious , because as soon as he got done stretching , he peed all over his front legs and chin . He pees all over everything , all of the time , you would think that he would have to drink more water than he does . The nurse who checked me in at the Doctor 's office was very kind when she weighed me . She suggested that my denim skirt looked pretty heavy , then of course there were my shoes and a very heavy belt . I had a big barrette in my hair also . I didn 't mention these things to my Doctor , I just went ahead and let him believe that I actually weighed that much . I took the lecture without sobbing , but then he started in on all of the other stuff that I needed to do , things that I don 't want to do , like mammograms , colonoscopies , gall bladder surgery , things that have nothing to do with my aching back . I have a good mind never to visit another Doctor , they just aren 't very nice . I was whining about my Doctor visit to a friend who is a Registered Nurse and she said that I wasn 't fat . Since it is always best to get a second opinion , I strongly considered just going with hers . However , since I did pay the Doctor a large sum of money , I suppose his opinion is more valuable . We left the Doctor 's office and went straight to the Golden Corral in Bedford , their Chocolate Pie is to die for . I did manage to stop after the second piece , my DH wouldn 't let me go get a third one . As I am typing this I am indulging in a small glass of Kefir made with fresh goat 's milk without the cream removed . It was slightly frozen and I added a sweetened Pina Colada syrup to it , delicious ! So you see I have already started cutting back , only two pieces of pie and only a small glass of Kefir while blogging before bed . After Saturday night 's storms , things have greatly cooled down . I have barely been getting enough milk for my own two glasses per day , plus I drink goat 's milk anytime I get heartburn , it cures it instantly . Goat milk production around here has been greatly reduced during the recent hot weather , I had suspected that this was to blame but wasn 't sure until yesterday . Milk production was up by at least 50 % . Egg production has been down as well . Just when I finally had more egg buyers than eggs , my hens quit laying . We were lucky to get two eggs a day out of ten hens . The banties were actually laying better than the big hens were in this heat . But with the cooler temperatures yesterday we got four eggs . I have four hens who are raising chicks , so they have an excuse for their lack of production but the others have just been on strike because of working conditions . They are demanding an air conditioned chicken house with well ventilated nests . I get to go to the Doctor today , oh what joy ! I would rather go to the Dentist and get teeth pulled than face my Doctor . He just keeps harping about my weight and I always try to lose a few pounds before I see him , just so I won 't have to hear his lecture . But I didn 't manage to get that accomplished this time and have gained weight since last we met . He believes that my spine wouldn 't be complaining as much , if I would relieve some of it 's burden . That is actually quite a motivation for me , if I thought that I could live a normal life again , I might just lose that weight . I just can 't figure out how to do it . We attended a rodeo at our local fair on Friday night . It was expensive and nothing but a bunch of bull . I was disappointed that they had advertised barrel racing and didn 't have any . It was mostly bull riding with just a few broncs that I think were just unbroke horses that they had picked up somewhere . They certainly had no bucking experience , all that they did was run and all that the cowboy had to do was hold on . The bulls were good and loved to buck . The problem was that they were too good for the cowboys that were there and most of them hit the dirt as soon as they came out of the gate . Only one cowboy made it to 8 seconds and he won the whole pot . The evening was kind of spoiled by the man that came out before the rodeo and started scratching on the bulls who were turned loose in the arena . That kind of spoiled the mean and ornery , bad bull image . Although we did see a couple of cowboys butted and stomped . One cowboy walked past me after the rodeo was over and we were walking out . He caught my attention by the glazed look in his eyes and the paleness of his face . I think that maybe he was beyond pain . I worried about him because he was wondering around alone . I am sure that he needed medical attention but was too tough and proud to admit it . The highlight of the evening was when the little 7 or 8 year old boy was trying to pet the bulls through the holding gates and barely got his arm out before the bull kicked at him and got his foot caught in the gate . We were a little surprised that they let the crowd walk out past the bulls with nothing or no one there to keep kids away . I guess they thought that maybe parents would take that responsibility , they must have been aliens from another planet if they believed that . I have my computer set to do automatic Microsoft or Windows Updates . On Wednesday an update finally got itself downloaded with my slow dial - up connection . So Wednesday evening it asked me if the updates could install themselves . I allowed the installation right before I went to bed along with the shut - down and restart process . The next morning when my Husband got up , he kept dialing up and trying to go somewhere , anywhere and it behaved as if the browser wasn 't receiving an answer from the internet . He was online but all of the web was blocked . He tried redialing several times but always got the same response . So he woke me up and explained the problem , I thought maybe the update had disabled my Firefox browser . I opened up Internet Explorer and got online with it and had the same results . I decided to use the handy dandy system restore feature . I clicked START then HELP AND SUPPORT then chose SYSTEM RESTORE . It let me choose not only the date to restore to but also the time . I choose the time when the update had installed itself , just to make sure that the update was the problem . Sure enough that was the problem . I got online and all was well with the world again . The update returned and I let it install itself again , sure enough the same problem occurred . I did the time machine thing again and shut off the automatic Microsoft Updates . Then I got online to see if anyone else was experiencing this same problem and couldn 't find anything . Maybe they just haven 't been able to get online to complain yet . Well , my fox problems have returned . I was missing one of my new banty hens yesterday . I was hoping that she was sitting on a hidden nest somewhere but I think that I got an answer today at noon . I just happened to be looking out the window and a fox came running down the hill in a blur of speed , right into the front door of the barn , that is where the two Mille Fleur D ' Uccle hens stay with their broods . I heard startled chickens scattering and Angel started barking . I grabbed my rifle and flew out the door , I must have clicked the safety off as I ran out . The rooster was chasing him out the front door with me right behind him . The fox made a beeline up the hill , then stopped and turned around . He didn 't have anything in his mouth and he was a perfect target . I pulled up and took aim but the trigger wouldn 't budge . I guess I must have clicked the safety on again as I pulled the gun up . By the time I clicked it off , he was gone . This was not the same fox that we have been having trouble with . This fox was a beautiful little animal . He is dark red with a pretty coat , fluffy tail with a white tip on it . The other fox looked like he was a halfbreed , he was tall , long bodied , light colored with a rough coat and no white on his tail . When we first got Angel I had wanted her to stay in the goat lot with no roaming around the farm or neighborhood . That didn 't work out because her coat was so thick that she just went under the electric fence , like it wasn 't there . I had gotten use to her coming to the barn / house with Cinder when I milked and liked the idea that she could be more of a protector if she wasn 't confined to the goat lot . On several occasions she has run off foxes and dogs . Then summer arrived and she lost her heavy coat and got some mats on her back that I had to cut off . She started getting shocked when she went under the fence , so she has stopped getting out . My DH is thrilled and says that I will have to keep the hair on her back shaved . But I am thinking today that I may have to fix a special place in the fencWritten by I couldn 't think of a title for this blog because I have so many different thoughts going through my head . I am hoping a title will emerge from the blog all on it 's own . All was peaceful and quiet yesterday evening , my DH had a rare day off and was busy mowing the top pasture . I thought that I would go ahead and get the evening feeding and milking done before it got dark . I was going to take my time and enjoy the process . I started out by trying to get all of the new chicks in cages with their mothers . I soon realized that herding baby chicks is not an easy task and that I was wasting my time . I went to the goat lot with halter and lead rope in hand , caught Cinder and led her to the barn / house to be milked . She was not as cooperative as she usually is and that task turned out not to be pleasant in the least . She didn 't want to get on the milk stand that is still standing in muddy water from the recent rain . I finally got her in place and sat down to milk and dropped my clean cloth that I had to wash her udder with into the muddy water under the stand . So I had to go back into the house for a new one . On the way back to the milking stand was when I first noticed that the wind had picked up and the sky had grown dark and there was a not too distant sound of thunder . I had a lot to get done before it started to rain , so I picked up my pace . Cinder had more milk than usual and so it took me longer to milk as the storm crept nearer . When I finally got the milking done and everything cleaned up and turned her loose , she lost all common sense and couldn 't remember any of the routine things that she does twice per day everyday . She tried to go out the wrong door , she had to stop and taste everything along the way , whether it was eatable or not . I finally got her put back in the lot by the time it started to rain . I was moving as quickly as possible because I needed to get into the house to turn off the computer before lightening struck again . I went to collect Cooter who was tied to a concrete block in a nice patch of weeds . Written by Yesterday morning 's rain was wonderful , I refuse to complain about the rain after last year 's drought . It 's the mud that keeps giving me problems . A river washed through our barn / house , so the whole barn floor is slippery and we have puddles in the barn . Water also came through the wall into my living room while I slept yesterday morning . I kept waking up to the thunder , lightening and pouring rain , that gave me a good excuse to just keep right on sleeping . As soon as my Husband left for work , there was a painfully loud clap of thunder that was followed by a pop that shook the house . The electricity went out , then came back on , so I rolled over and slept some more . When it quit raining , I got up and found my wet floors and of course no phone service . This sounded a little different to me when I held the phone to my ear , it was just dead . Usually when someone steals our phone lines or service is just out , I can hear dead air but this was just dead with no sound at all . I had the feeling that it had something to do with that lightening strike . When my DH came home for lunch with the cell phone , I called neighbors on both sides of us and they both had service . So I whined around until I got my DH to wade through the mud to break into the phone box on the outside of the barn / house and hook a phone up out there to see if the problem was inside the house . Sure enough we had service out there , so I came into the house and started the process of elimination . I found out that my high priced phone line surge protector had done it 's job and gave it 's life to save my phones and computer . So I rerouted a few lines around the surge protector and was back in business . However , my computer and phones are now at risk if we should get another storm . I will purchase another one because this proves that they actually work . It is Sunday morning , the only morning that I have to get up early and get my back in working order so that I can make it to Sunday School . I start my day off with a cup of Costa Rican coffee whose coffee beans were grown in volcanic earth , it is a gourmet coffee thats flavor is smooth , never bitter . I put just a touch of sweetener in it and real thick , foamy cream that has just freshly been skimmed from the top of yesterday 's goat milking . I also have two pieces of toast with homemade butter , also from my goat 's milk cream skimmings . Then I slather the toast with honey , but not my own honey , I am not brave enough to keep bees yet . I have to make butter often because it 's shelf life isn 't very long , it isn 't pasteurized . I was making it in a blender but found that it was just too much work to clean the thing up . So now , I just put the cream in a clean glass jar and shake , rattle and roll . You have butter in no time . Then you strain out the buttermilk , squeeze out the extra liquid , rinse the butter in cold water and stir in a little salt . You can either drink the buttermilk or give it to the dogs , cat or chickens . I don 't care for buttermilk , but my animals love it . After breakfast and blogging , I have to go feed my chickens , feed my dogs and cat , then milk the goat , if she looks strutted . She has been slacking off on milk production lately , so I may not milk her until after Sunday School . I was on the phone with my eldest Son while he was reading my blog Perfect Horses and Kids . He was having a wonderful time talking to me on the phone while being online at lightening fast speeds , he was telling me how fast he could pull up a page , then saying things like , " I have high speed internet and you don 't . " , he is just warped and cruel like that . Anyway he was laughing as he read my blog about hauling horses in the bed of a pick - up truck , and he said that I should blog about how we used to make our kids ride under the horse instead of on top . I will tell that story in a future blog . The area that we rode in was a national forest and back then there were no restrictions on where you could ride , you could make a trail wherever you wanted to . That area is now called the Deam Wilderness and the horseman 's camp is called Blackwell . We made most of the horse trails with motorcycles when I was a kid . My Dad and Uncles would haul motorcycles in and ride through the woods . They were logging there back then and they left big piles of sawdust and wood shavings everywhere , those were just perfect for playing with motorcycles on . Can you even imagine a national forest that you could just use like it was yours ? My Dad and Uncles drove their nice family cars and trucks back into the forest on logging roads and I remember getting hung up with those big old cars that were heavier than tanks . No one had 4 - wheel drives back then . We would sometimes get stuck on the frame of the car in a rut that was deep enough to hide a ferris wheel in . My Uncle would just jack it up and run the car off of the jack . You couldn 't tear those old solid cars up . My family would sometimes haul horses into the Deam Wilderness area and drive back a log road and just camp by the first pond we came to . We would spend a couple of weeks of vacation time swimming , riding , fishing and frog gigging . No one ever bothered us there , unless it was family coming to visit . We didn 't have to worry about hikers or DNR people walking in on us because nature , natural reWritten by I am trying to overcome this current round to writer 's block , I have been struggling to think of anything to blog about . Pain is about all that I can think about right now . I don 't really want to dwell on it but it continues to demand most of my attention . My eldest Son and his family were here last night , he is a great inspiration , he is just a little off on the wrong side of normal . He has a great sense of humor and when he is around or when I am on the phone with him , he will bring up some odd fact or warped childhood memory that he says that I should blog about . The problem is that my aged mind can 't recall what it was that he suggested when I have the time to sit down and blog . During the course of conversation last night , my DH said something very irritating to me , I can 't remember what , but I did threaten to divorce him . My Daughter - in - law jumped right in there and suggested that we both get divorced and we would go somewhere together . You see , I have this strange family , I love both of my Daugher - in - laws . I admire their fortitude for staying married to my Sons . It can 't be easy , they are too much like their Father . Happy Independence Day ! Hopefully it won 't rain out the fireworks like it did last year . We had a gully washer here last night , the barn is flooded again . We don 't do much on the 4th of July if we can help it , this is the first day that my Husband has had off for weeks . So that means that he is going to have to catch up on all of the work that has piled up around here . He works six days a week and we go to Church twice on Sundays , so it makes it hard to mow grass and bush hog pastures , not to mention trimming 156 feet that belong to horses and goats around here . We do have a very accommodating neighbor who spends tons of money on fireworks every year . All we have to do is drive to the top of the hill to watch a fireworks display that rivals what they have in the nearest town . We don 't have to fight traffic or crowds of people , although the word is getting out and we are starting to get lots of visiWritten by My big toe on my right foot feels as if it has a needle stuck under the it 's nail . Now that is just irritating . I keep looking at my toe nail and there is nothing wrong with it . I guess I shouldn 't complain at least I am back in a sitting position . I was hardly able to walk on Sunday evening but on Monday I was flat in the bed not able to even sit up . I couldn 't get on the computer or walk or even read a book . The last time that I had an MRI it showed four bulging discs with impingement , spinal stenosis and a lot of arthritis in both my cervical and lumbar spine . As a side note they tell me that I also have arthritis in my tail bone . Which makes it very difficult to sit for very long . I haven 't had much pain in my legs but now my right leg is starting to bother me and this thing with my toe . At first I thought that I had been stung by a bee or something . This was all brought about by an automobile accident several years ago . I thought that I was getting better but then this hit me and I have been a little down in more ways than one for the last few days . That is my excuse for not blogging much recently . But I shall pick myself up and soldier on . These Scriptures do not get quoted much or get much airtime , so I thought I would give them some attention here . We used to be a God - Fearing Nation but no one seems to fear God anymore . Yes , He is a loving and merciful God but He will also be a God of Judgment . God hasn 't changed , we have changed God . He has become such a loving God that he would never condemn anyone to Hell perhaps we should remove all references to Hell , Evil , Commandments , Law and Repentance from the Bible . II Tim 3 : 16 : All scripture is given by inspiration of God , and is profitable for doctrine , for reproof , for correction , for instruction in righteousness 150 Day Goat Gestation CalculatorDate Bred : ( mm / dd / yy ) Click Here : Due Date : PSHORSE . COM - PINTURA SPRINGS . Awesome Inc . theme . Powered by Blogger . |
Before I go outta this world , I just want to meet one more girl , one girl who could show me the way . one woman who 'll stay , and stay ! One person who really cares about me . Oh yeah , Me Me Me . But , I 've given so much , can 't you see ? When we do connect , what a change there 'll be , when you bring out the love inside of me . Just be true , and just be you , you 'll love me baby , and I 'll love you too ! You , and what you need . When me . All the love we shared , I only wish you really cared . I can 't stop loving you , but you 're not here , so what do I do ? Just sit around and think of you ? Well , I guess that 's what I 'll do , just sit around and think of you . So here 's to you , Suzie Q ! it at all . All I got left , is a half a beer . and now I 'm stuck right here . I knew I shoulda bought some wine , or a fifth of something oh so fine . Something with more kick , than this Schlitz . Yeah I got a midnight I took my pay and bought a ticket for a Greyhound Bus . I headed north . Just had to clear my head , from all the confusion , and the fuss . I told her I was tired of trying so hard to make everybody happy , and watching them look so blue . She said , that 's alright , you aint got it to do ! Get on down the road , I can find a replacement for you ! Once you 're gone I 'll have a lot more time , to stop living your life , and start living mine ! I 'll have a man in our bed , before your first stop , might be a lawyer , hell , might be a cop ! I 'll be better off without you , anyway , so I 've been up here now , I guess , about three years . She calls me up , and she 's all in tears . Oh won 't you come back down ? I just can 't make it baby , without you around . You were the only man for me . Come on back , and I 'll make you see . We can still have a life so fine , Baby you and me ! Come on back , before I lose my mind ! Well , girl you know , I loved you dear , and I 'll think about it , while I 'm out tonight , just having a beer . You want a caretaker , and that aint me . I can 't help it if your life aint the way you want it to be . I gave it my all , but you never gave that back to me . Oh girl , can 't you see ? I 'll think about it . Yeah , I 'll think about it . I 'll think about it , but for both our sakes , well I 'll probably just stay here , just stay here and have another beer . " Pretty Pictures " on over , anyone , you just can 't imagine , all the fun ! It 's happening here , above the street . Go somewhere else , if you want to eat . Listen to Passing cars , and cloudy days , get your mind set , forty ways . Give it up , or hold on tight . Just let the day drift into night . It 's raining now , so don 't be shy . There ain 't no need to wonder why . I 've got my problems , so do you . What it is , or ain 't , ain 't nothing new . Life will she couldn 't resist my eyes , then she said , Just one thing , Don 't tell me no lies . I said , would you like to see my place , it 's just up the stairs . Lead the way my man , was all she said . So I got her a beer , from the ice box , and then she threw off her shoes , and her socks . This place aint so bad , she said with a smile . Tell me about it , and all this memories , from coming back . Red , white , and blue , melting wax , and me and you , maybe some brown mixed in there too . And they each had their own special scent , girl do you remember , how much it meant ? It meant so That ceramic vase you found , broken handle and a chip or two , but just right for what you had in mind to do ! So you had me glue a plate to the top of it , pretty soon we had three candles lit . Red white and blue , three little flames , and me and you , holding hands , and praying to heaven , Lord our country needs your help right now , and that was just after nine - eleven . But time goes on , and we did too , while our creation just grew , and grew ! Night after night in each others arms , how could everything have gone so wrong ? Too many beers , and too many tears . never quite the same , I guess we lost the flame . I couldn 't stop the drinking , but neither could you . All I can say is , I 'm sorry Sue . So sorry about me and you . If by chance we should happen to meet , if we run across each other on the street , could you be the one ? Maybe you and I could have some fun , we 're just as entitled to it , as anyone . You got that look in your eyes , You deserve so much better than that . Still , I believe you 'd risk it all , if you had the chance , risk being hurt one more time . Hope could make you lay it all on the line . Hoping to find a love so fine . Come on baby , take a chance on me , I 'll take the time to try and make you see , you didn 't go wrong , when you took a chance on me . Come on baby , take a chance on me . " Don 't make me a Fool " me leave . She said , if I give you one more chance , are you going to make a fool of me ? Because if so , then I wish that you 'd just go ! I said oh , no ! No , no , no , I 'll be good , and I 'll be good to you , I 'll even tip your cup , and you 'll see it 's true ! Oh baby , I 'll be good to you ! So she let me stay for a while , every now and then she even gave me a smile . Weren 't too long , and I was feeling good ! I put my money in her jar , like I knew I should . But myself , I can never trust . All it takes is a little buzz , for me to start acting the fool . So I asked her if she 'd like to play some pool . go ! We aint got no table " round here ! So now I think you need to just finish your beer ! Just finish your beer my dear , and get on out of here ! Don 't try and make me a fool ! You know we aint got no pool ! The next thing you know , you 'll be asking me , do I want to go Swimming ? Oh no ! . . no , no , no ! Just finish your beer , and go ! Just finish your beer , my dear , and get on out of here ! it handle you . I said , yeah , yeah I know . Why can 't you change ? She said to me . I don 't know , was my reply . Well , until you can , just keep going in the gutter , and die ! I don 't have time , to care , or cry . I have can 't even love them self ! So go on and ruin your life ! But do it somewhere else ! I don 't want to see ! So just go on , and let me be ! Now would you ? Now would you , Please ? We 'll is it another beer , or a cigarette , which one is gonna put me to rest ? They both taste good , but I don 't know which one I like the best . When I 'm all done with my beer , I guess I 'll have another cigarette , but I still don 't know which one I like the In the game of life , we don 't always get the cards we 're looking for . Just when you think you 've hit the bottom , lady luck comes round and knocks you down some more . When you came along , I had given up , and was about to fold . But you showed me your love , was there to have and to hold . In the middle of a cold black storm , your sunshine caressed me , and it kept me warm ! Now my days are sunny and bright , your love and your kindness are there in the night . It 's worse than any nightmare , just to think of how it could have been . The booze and the drugs it seemed would have no end ! But now that I 've found you , and I can wrap my arms around you , well it 's not hard to see , just what a fool I 'd been . The way I wasted precious time it was a crying sin . Your sunshine 's been the answer to my every prayer . The dark What 's the matter , are you thinking of something that 's new ? Or , are you maybe , just afraid of , something someone said ? Is it so important to you ? Don 't you have time to be true ? can 't you for once just be real ? Come out and show me the way that you feel . I won 't be hurt , or think less of you baby , all that I want , is just , just a little truth , maybe . You just might find when you leave me behind , there was just a little something , wrong in your mind . Yeah , I think you just might find when you leave me behind , there was just a little something , wrong in your mind . Yeah , I think there mighta been a little something wrong in your mind . You were a child of the fifties , sock hops , and soda - pop . Alice Cooper was my idol , seems we 're a world apart , but love and friendship was no problem , we were in each others ' hearts , face to face , and down and dirty , right from the very start . Gut feelings shared between us , it seems weren 't very smart , for man 's a selfish creature , and now from me your love is lost . you to turn to , made an odd thing seem alright . But there ain 't no use denying , as time goes rolling by , I 'm gonna get that urge , and when I do , I 'll just spread my wings , and fly . So tell me what 's the point , in being happy for a day ? Sweet woman you don 't deserve it , I 've already gone away . You need to find yourself a good man , who 'd never leave you flat . I just ain 't up to being , the one who can give you that . Yes , man 's a selfish creature , and now from me , your love is lost . Your love is lost , your love is lost . Yes man 's a selfish creature , and now from me your love is lost . moment in time , not to think about you , well for that , God knows what I 'd do . My life 's been full of ups and downs , but this time , I 'm really turned around . Oh Sue , what can I do , with all of this , You , You , You ? Our lives were so close to being true , but I stole you away from a pretty good friend , of course this is how me and you should end . Some guy takes you away from me . Now I gotta live with what will be . Realizing you 're no longer with me . Yeah he 's got you now , but for how long ? Won 't be long , and with another you 'll be gone . So , go ahead , run around . Run around Sue . It 's all you know how to do . fire . I 'm a kind man , I 'm a butt hole , I 'm a guy with a heart as black as coal . I 'm a sweet - heart who 'd never hurt you , I 'll be the first one to desert you , I 'm the one you always wanted , but somebody you just don 't need . I 'm all you say I am , I 'm all you say I am , I 'm all you say I for that special touch . Oh girl , to me , you mean so much ! Just to have the opportunity , to feel you , next to me , well girl I know it is not free . And if I wind up broke , and all alone , well at least I 'll know I tried , yeah , tried to take you home . Come on baby ! Come on home with me ! Oh well , maybe next time . the addiction to being addicted to something is a self fulfilling prophesy . A person who smokes a pack a day of tailor made cigarettes looks at his pack and sees a task ahead of them , that is " to smoke all those cigarettes in a timely fashion " ( of course this is sub conscience thinking . They consider themselves to be thinking about how to avoid running out ) addiction to other substances might sometimes work in a similar way . But the easiest way to make my point is with tailor made cigarettes and pouch tobacco . The smoker looks at his pack , and makes a decision to use or not to use , based on how much is left , when it 's gone you 'll have a new mission , get more , when it 's there , your job is to use it , and when it runs out your job is to get more , in this way you never run out of something to do . , . , Yay . , . , not really , Boo would be more accurate . Because you are allowing them to run your life . What it comes down to is you need to find something else to do , especially in the case of tobacco . I was a smoker for 35 years , but have finally rid myself of tobacco , and this line of thinking was a big help to me , I think . In the future , people might video chat without opening their mouth or tapping their keypads . This might be accomplished through Thought Wave Communication , TWC for short , Video chatters may only need to have a real time connection to communicate freely without saying a word or typing messages . Looking in to each others eyes to start , and after that initial connection was made , looking at each other might not be as important as concentrating . By simply concentrating on someone their thoughts would be heard loud and clear , even if the two speak different languages . This mental connection would work both ways , of course . They say the average person only uses about one percent of their mental capabilities , so , you never know . The sun came up that morning just like it always does , but that day was to be no ordinary day , that day would be a day that changed everything . , . , for a while . Going to school had always been something to avoid , for me . But something was different now that I was going to high school , and was trying out for the Washington High school football team of 1975 . I was 14 , and had played the previous year in a little league setting for Mallory Heights ( little did I know I would be with them again soon ) . We hadn 't even been given pads , or helmets yet , but I knew it was still important to perform well and behave myself , like not getting in a fight . , . , so . , . , when Tom Cat intentionally kicked me in the groin , it was all I could do not to let ' em have it . After a few choice words it was decided we would settle it after practice . When practice was over we met up in front of the school . There were four or five of his friends with him , I was alone . My Dad had come to pick me up , and was sitting in his Cadillac a few feet away . He saw what was going on , and said , " Come on and get in the car son , you don 't have to fight that boy " but when I turned to look at my Dad , Tom Cat hit me in the head . I heard my Dad say , " Get ' em ! " So I did . Only one problem , as I slammed his head down on the concrete , my left hand was underneath , softening the blow to his head , and breaking my hand . I was sitting on top of him , punching him when the coach pulled me off . He made me and Tom Cat run 3 laps around the practice field , ( together ) we talked out our differences , but , by the time I got back to where my Dad was , my hand was about 6 " thick . The coach said to my Dad , " I think his hand is broke " who replied , " I can see that " . He took me to the hospital , and we got a cast put on . , . , which made a great weapon a few days later , when I went back to Mallory Heights , incidentally , it was one of the greatest years of my life , and we won the championship that year , so I guess , it all worked out for the best . The Transformer was of course fascinating to me , so I removed the housing to get a better look . Big Wires . , . , Hmmm . , . , Black wires with caps , Red wires with caps . Maybe I could make the train go backwards if I remove the caps , and put ' em all together . , . , BLAM ! In retrospect . , . , Not such a good idea . Blew the plug right outta the wall and killed all power to the house . My Dad ( and Mom , and brothers and sister ) showed up not long after the explosion . Son , you coulda burned the house down ! ( looking at the big black spot on the wall , over the outlet ) What were you thinkin ! ? ! The electricity flowing through them wires is enough to have killed you , he explained as the shock was wearing off . After I had promised never to do anything that stupid again , he said , well . I 'm glad you were ' nt hurt , Son . Guess we need to make a trip to Builder 's Square . , . , we 're gonna need a new Transformer . The music player above contains my current original song tracks , all written and performed by me . , . , John Young , I hope you will enjoy them , and please feel free to share and hit that Like button ! Thanks ! . , . , John Posted by A guy , wakes up one morning in a small New England town , looks out his window , and sees that quite a bit of snow has fallen , and is still coming down . Great , he goes , I guess no work today , and I 'm down to my last soup . Oh well , he goes , God will take care of me somehow . So he boils water , crunches his last Ramen noodle pack , dumps it in the pan , and adds the flavor pack . He gets dressed while his breakfast cools a little , talking to himself , and God , the whole time . Lord , he says , I just need to make some money . He digs in the pockets of the pants he just put on , and pulls out a five dollar bill , and some change . Well , he goes , I guess I got enough for a couple of forties ( 40oz . malt liquor ) and a pack of tobacco , maybe a newspaper . So he sips on his soup , and sits down to put his boots on . When he 's done eating , he rolls a cigarette with the last little bit he has left . I know I shouldn 't buy beer this early , he says to himself , but I got to have tobacco , so what the hell . He looks at the clock , it 's ten O ' clock . He says if Mark was coming he 'd be here by now . He puts on his coat , and knit cap , lights his last cigarette , and heads out the door , making sure he has his key , to get back in . He heads down the hill . remembering what an old girlfriend used to tell him , when they would walk in the snow , stay on the crunchy part . Well , there aint no crunchy part , but I 'll do the best I can . He makes it to the store down by the river , at the bottom of the hill , gets his tobacco , two big bottles of beer , and a newspaper . The cashier puts it all in a brown paper bag , just like always . He starts back up the hill , the bag supported with one arm , the other holds it against his chest . When he reaches the crest of the hill , he happens to look over a steel guard rail , down at the rail - road tracks below . He sees what appears to be a large trash bag , full of empty cans , ( worth a nickel a piece ) . Damn , he says , is that a bag full of nickels ? He steps over the railing , to get a better look , not knowing there was ice just under the newly fallen snow . After stepping over the railing , he takes one more step , his last on earth . Oh Shit ! He screams , as he is sliding head first over the ledge . There are blinding lights , and a sense of flying through space , with swirling colors , and eerie sounds . When he stops he is face down in dessert sand . Get up , infidel ! He hears a deep angry voice command him . He struggles , but is too weak . We will get you up , you smelly slob ! You stink of beer ! He is pulled from the sand , by two men , wearing turbans and robes . They tell him to come with them . He is frightened , and can 't move . They take him by the arms and pull him to a place where a very large man sits upon a thrown , dressed and looking much the same as those who brought him there . On the way , he sees camels and women who appear to be very beautiful , but veiled , so that only their eyes can be seen . The bearded man on the throne looks at him , and says , do you know who I am ? He manages to speak , and says I don 't know , but I 'm pretty sure I 'm dead , and this don 't seem like heaven , so maybe you 're the devil . You and your kind are the devils ! But I will grant you a life as a slave , if you will bow down , worship me , and admit that you have been the enemy of all that is good and right . You must swear you will do all you can to serve me , and destroy the evil empire of America . What if I don 't , he asks . You see that man with the sword in his hand ? Yeah , I see him . He will use that sword , to cut your head off ! Well , let me ask you a question , he says . Do you have a son named Jesus ? I do not have a son named Jesus . Will you worship me or not ? I can only serve one God , and he has a son , named Jesus , so I guess not . Off with his head ! He is no good to me ! The two who brought him there throw him to the ground , and the man with the sword slices through his neck , with one blow . Once again , he is flying through space , but this time the sounds are different , more up beat . When he reaches his destination , he is in a very plain white room , sitting on the floor . He can see himself - headless , in front of his face . Hey , down here , John ! He cries . His arms reach out and feel for his head . Over here ! He yells . His hands find his head , and manage to place it back above his shoulders . As he holds his head in place , you can see a scar begin to form , and slowly work it 's way around his neck , until he can turn loose , and move his head from side to side . Wow ! That feels better , he says . He sees a door , and it opens up . In walks a gorgeous woman , who says hello , and waves her arm at the corner of the empty room . A bed appears . Wow ! How did you do that ? He says . We 're in heaven , she says , we can do anything . She lays on the bed , and says , you must be tired , why don 't you come lay with me ? Well . that sounds mighty inviting , but I just got here , and after what I 've just been through , I think I better wait , and find out a little more about what 's going on . As you wish , she says . She gets up off the bed , which vanishes , as she walks out the door . Then in walks Jesus , dressed in a long white robe , with long dark hair , and just wispy facial hair . Oh my God ! The man says . Relax John , I 'm here to help you . The man bows his head , and says , dear lord , thank you , and please forgive me of my sins , in Jesus name . . . Amen . So , John , why wouldn 't you do what was asked of you , to save your life , or at least your neck from being sliced in two ? My whole life , I have believed in a God , with a son named Jesus , he said he had no son named Jesus . Good answer . Do you believe you lived a good , and honorable life , on earth ? I tried to , but I know I sinned . What do you consider to be a sin , John ? Well , killing another person , I know is a sin , unless it just had to be done , for a good reason . Go on . Killing yourself , is a really bad one . Stealing , and lying , and hurting people or animals , for no reason , are bad sins . What else ? Cheating on your wife , or trying to take another mans ' wife from him . And child abuse , and rape . Good . Now , you say you sinned , did you do all those things , you just talked about ? No , not all , but some . I know all of your deeds , and misdeeds . You are forgiven . Your life here can be very rewarding , John . Just keep in mind , what was a sin , is a sin , and will always be a sin . Now that you are here , try very diligently to remain sinless . You will find it very enjoyable here , if you play by the rules . You 've passed two tests already . I will not test you anymore , unless you give me reason . Then Jesus touched his neck , and the large ugly scar , faded away . Then Jesus turned , and slowly left the room . He felt his neck , and not only the scar was gone , but a lump he had had for years , was taken away as well . Thank God , he said . Looking around the empty room , he said , I wish I could have that bed back , and immediately , there it was . Wow ! He said , this is great , but I am kind of hungry . He walked into an area he hadn 't noticed before , there was a fully equipped kitchen , with a table and chairs , and a large bowl of fruit on the table . He took a banana from the bowl , and began to eat . I wonder if there 's a bathroom , he thought . He went back to where the bed was , and noticed a door he hadn 't seen before . Sure enough , opening the door , there was his bathroom . God is great ! God is truly good , he said . During the course of the next few days , he sees many wondrous sites , meets lots of interesting people , some he knows , and he is reunited with his parents . He asks about Billy , his best friend from childhood , who killed himself , at the age of twenty years . Jesus explains to him , that what he had read about in the bible , of the devil , and the lake of fire , were not just fairy tales . He meets a lot of good looking women , some married , and some , not . He realizes he better try very diligently to be sinless , just as Jesus had told him ( especially with the lake of fire , and all ) He wakes up one morning , and is having breakfast , before going off to his voluntary construction work , and who does he see , but Laurie , his childhood sweetheart , standing at his open door . Laurie , is it really you ? ( She is just as beautiful as he remembered her ) Yes , John , it 's me . He remembers saying a prayer , the night before , that he would meet a beautiful women , and marry , and have kids . He gets up , looks into her eyes , and says , Laurie , will you marry me ? She says , of course I will John , I 've been waiting for you . |
I haven 't given him milk all day and he is eating only baby cereal and fruit from a baby food jar . Actually I only gave him baby cereal tonight and he spit up a lot less . Can that mean that he is sensitive to certain foods ? He is just beginning to bear weight on his legs . He lifts up his chest with his arms while on his tummy but is not really making any attempt to crawl yet . However he is a master at rolling across the bed . We have had two close calls ! I would love suggestions as to how to introduce chunkier foods without him choking . We went on a few walks . At the park I had Nolan walk next to me holding my hand and not holding my hand . He struggled with wanting to do his own thing , but as we continued to practice having him stay close to us , he got better as time went on . I am very proud of how well he is adjusting to our new family . Since we had a pretty normal day yesterday and Nolan even took a nap , I decided to skip giving him the melatonin at night . He listened when I said it was time to lay down and he fell asleep within 1 / 2 hour . He slept till 7 : 30 this morning . Today he took another nap and is now laying down in bed watching a kid 's show on tv . Earlier he enjoyed a long bath . Rachel ended up getting soaked in her clothes , but they both had fun ! For dinner , I went to the food court underground at the mall in the center . Rachel stayed with the boys while I got take out . I was hoping that Puzata Hata had take out and was happy to learn that it 's called s - subway . For $ 6 I got a bowl of borscht , Chicken Kiev , shoestring potatoes , and cherry veriniki . That was enough for the three of us . The only drawback to being smack dab in the center is the lack of a supermarket or any markets for that matter . There is a small one across the street and up a ways , but it is expensive . Back on Friday when we were out and about doing Embassy stuff I had our driver stop at a supermarket so we would have things like juice , water , bread , and eggs . We were up by 6am to start our day . Nolan was dry through the night again ! We ate breakfast - - I fed Oliver and Rachel fed Nolan . We have been feeding Nolan so that he knows we are there to provide for him . Plus , it has helped with the messes . At the same time we are allowing him to have a water bottle with just a litle bit of water so that he feels like a big boy . He loves unscrewing the cap over and over . We are feeding Oliver much slower with little bites of food rather than shoveling it in . By the end of his meal he is much more content to have the bib come off and have his face cleaned . He is quite the character . He loves to scrunch up his nose , raise his almost nonexistent eyebrows so that his forehead looks like that of an old man , and gum your finger to death . Oliver loves to be in the carrier with me . He falls asleep everytime and it is nearly impossible to wake him when he is in it . He loves the closeness and is definitely making up for lost time . He is still spitting up - - almost like reflux , but he did finally have a good bowel movement so his tummy troubles are better . We went to our Embassy appointment this morning . I was amazed to see the brand new , modern Embassy building . All went well except for us having the wrong sized photos for the visa . It was another stressful moment trying to find a photo shop that was open on this day after holiday holiday , but we did in you 'll never guess - - the underground shops at the train station . The computer is giving me trouble so I will have to split this post in two . For now - - Enjoy the videos ! I am sitting at the bar in the kitchen of our apartment in Kiev looking out the window . Rachel is out on the balcony painting her nails because she can . Both the little boys are asleep . Let 's just say we are enjoying our little time of peace and quiet . I wish I could post pictures - - behind me lie two of the cutest and sweetest little boys all snuggly in their jammies - - their very own jammies . We withdrew the money from the boys ' bank accounts to give as the customary orphanage donation . My jaw nearly dropped to the floor when I saw that together they had 49 , 000 grivna equivalent to over $ 6 , 000 in their accounts . And we gave it all to the orphanage since I was told that is what is always done . Strange that I thought the customary orphanage donation was $ 1 , 000 - - I guess I was wrong . I did request that the money be spent on surgery for the kids . We really didn 't have time to throw a going away party of any sort , but we did get to videotape Oliver and Nolan with their groupa and caretakers . We also got pictures . And what is really nice is that I brought another toy to see about an exchange for the white giraffe and after explaining why I wanted it , the caretakers just gave it to me and told me to keep the other toy too . Yay ! Oliver still prefers that giraffe over any other thing I brought . We didn 't have but an hour to get everything packed and loaded into the car so that we could head to the train . Just enough time to pick up an extra preventative inhaler for John and some melatonin for Nolan . Since train tickets were about sold out , we had to get first class ones if we wanted to ride the train Wednesday night . If you ask me , the extra $ 60 was well worth the air conditioning , free coffee in the morning , extra pillows , extra bedding , complimentary toiletry packet , and the clean smelling bathroom stalked with toilet paper , soap , and a rug . Oliver had come alive since leaving the orphanage but he was still a content , cuddlebug . Nolan however was quite active and curious about everything . I was thankful for the pencil box I brought with a few crayons and paper . I added an empty tic tac container , a few squares of a cut up blanket , and some scrap pieces of paper and suddenly it was his treasure that he packed and unpacked at least a dozen times . He stopped to go to the bathroom which Rachel offered to take him . She came back saying he was scared to use the toilet . I solved the problem by going and showing him that Mommy can use the toilet and still live and right after he went . This boy is really potty trained ! We ate dinner which was not an easy feat to prepare . The bowl of instant mashed potatoes for Nolan was simple enough - - just add water from the big semavar and stir . I was very thankful for thinking to save the plastic spoons from our plane trip over . However , making Oliver 's dinner was a bit more challenging . After hearing that Oliver had a very special diet of a certain dried milk in his cream of wheat made with boiled water and nothing else , I was a bit nervous . But hey , I have been a Mommy for nearly 18 years to just as many children so I didn 't fret too much . And of course our little chub - a - lub didn 't complain one bit . After dinner we tried to wind things down . Oliver was content to just lay near us and chew on his beloved white giraffe , but Nolan wanted to stand up on the beds , look in the mirrors , and take off and put on his shoes about twenty times . He pulled off his socks one time to clean the toe jam between his toes . That made us smile . Finally after he spilled his water from running back and forth on one of the beds I got out the melatonin and crushed it to mix in his juice . Then Rachel and I waited to see what would happen . Call it coincidence but within 10 minutes he was much calmer and Rachel and I decided to lay down and close our eyes to go to sleep . Nolan had a little packet of tissues from the train and kept squeezing it making a noise . He kept doing it as he lay down and rested . He probably squished that tissue packet for 15 minutes as he finally dozed off to sleep . Now we are in our apartment just a few minutes walk from the Center where all the Euro Cup stuff is going on . They had music blasting all day long . The apartment is my favorite yet . I love the layout , the bed is huge , and it has every amenity that I can think of . The first thing we did when we got here was give them each a bath . That was fun and passed an hour of time . Yay - - only 120 + hours to go ! Oliver is probably sick with a cold or something . I know , I sound like a broken record . He is still a bit congested and sounds a little wheezy but we watched one of the doctor 's check his breathing just yesterday with a stethoscope and she said he sounded fine . He loves to be in the carrier with me and falls asleep every single time . Rachel and I used to joke that we were going to pinch Oliver when he was in the orphanage because we never heard him cry - - not once . Well he cries now - - when we put him down . : ) Nolan is doing fi e . He loves to use the toilet and has figured out how to flush t . He loves when I praise him about it t o ! He also loves to turn lights off and n . For the most part he is being great taking everything in stride , but he does continue to test every so oft n . I did a few time ins with him today in order to make him rest and he began with lots of screami g . As I talked to him , he calmed down and that lasted for 1 / 2 hour until he tried something again that I had already told him no to a few tim s . Maybe it was opening the fridge , or trying to sneak on the balcony , or flush the toilet for the umpteenth time - - if he did these things after I reminded him not to , we did a time n . As the day went on , and we broke up the hours with walks to the park or the store or out to the center his behavior continued to get bett r . We made sure to have him do a lot of walking to get his energy o Nolan loved the french fries . With hopes that Nolan would wind down we got them in their jammies . He still wasn 't quite ready to settle down , so I gave him another melatonin pill with a little bit of coca - cola . It was his only taste that night so he was happy to have it . Within 15 minutes again , he went and laid down next to Rachel and fell asleep . Since I have been typing , Oliver has woke twice with tummy trouble . It seems that he is constipated and gassy . The change in food I am sure . I played bicycle with his legs and massaged his tummy and he went a little bit and passed a lot of gas . Now he is feeling better for the time being . Long story short , we are not able to fly out on June 30th like we thought . It seems as if every day after a holiday is just another holiday around here so we can 't get our medicals done until Monday , July 2nd . We are able to fly out on Tuesday July 3rd , but can 't afford the tickets plus they have long layovers . It was looking pretty bleak for July 4th as well with Euro Cup ending and all , and I have been searching high and low for something . . . anything . And praying but probably not enough admittedly . Finally just as I am finishing this post up , I got an email for tickets on July 4th for a reasonable price - - not good - - but reasonable . I 'll take it . Wow oh wow ! No matter how big or small the love offering , you guys acted quickly to bless Sasha in a way he has never been blessed before . Thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ for this young man who is learning what love is despite not having a family . Thank you everyone ! The goal has been met . Actually it has been exceeded by about $ 100 . 00 so far . We already sent $ 200 . 00 and plan to send him the rest in a few weeks . He is incredibly thankful . Yes we could send all the money at one time , but it would probably be spent a lot quicker . He has not had anyone to teach him how to spend wisely , plan ahead , and to budget . Little by little I hope to find ways to share and teach him . The goal is to help him out a little each month , but not have him fully depend on this money . I wanted to share what he just wrote me . I apologize that the Chip In is not working . However , I can see that nearly $ 200 has been raised for Sasha . The total is actually $ 197 . 85 after fees . Rachel and I got to the baby house at 8 : 30 am . to pick up the boys to go and have their passport photos taken . We got permission to take them without a nurse which gave us a chance to bond and see how the boys would respond to us outside the baby house . Oliver and Nolan were very well behaved ! After the photo excursion , Oliver fell asleep in my arms . He seems to be doing that every day now . Nolan was given a pocketful of candy when we got back . I think it was for his awesome behavior . I figure it can go one of two ways . Either he will behave great to get the candy or as soon as he has the candy he will be hyped up on sugar and bounce off the walls . Sounds fun . Not . As of this morning there were only first class tickets left . And those were going quickly . Some may think it very foolish , but we stepped out in faith and bought tickets for the 4 of us for $ 200 . On another note , I wanted to share about Sasha . He is doing okay , but is in desperate need for money . He found another job , but he will not get paid until around July 21 . He does not have money for food or lodging . He is literally living day to day right now . I know that many of you have emailed me asking to help . Well now is the time . We looked into different ways to get him the money and Western Union looks like the most viable option at this point . It would bless him tremendously to be able to get him $ 200 . If anything above that is raised it will help cover the processing fees to get him the money , and the rest will go to him to bless him even more . I woke up really early this morning . I just couldn 't go back to sleep . I am feeling really homesick . Rachel is just bored . Thankfully , I was able to message with John , William , and Julia for a little bit . Can you believe I haven 't heard the kids ' voices since we first left . They will be music to my ears . . . for at least a while . Since it is Saturday here , the baby house was quiet . There were hardly any kids outside when we got there . We decided to go to the music room for a change . Nolan colored and played with some ride on trucks while Oliver enjoyed a new treat we brought . He ate at least half a dozen " palchikees " which are sweet melt in your mouth puffs that resemble fingers . He even army crawled a few inches to get one in his mouth . When it was time for Oliver to eat , I was happy to see that the nice caretakers were there . Here was my chance . I decided to pull out the cute baby bibs that I promised to pass out to the babies . I explained the best I could and pulled out my camera . As I tied the bibs on , Rachel was able to get lots of pictures ! This is perfect since there are 3 babies that I want to see get a family . Of course I would love to see all of them find homes , but at this time only very few children are able to be adopted at such a young age and I am pretty sure they would qualify with their special needs . Sorry I can 't post the pictures now , but I will once we are back home . On our way out , we saw Nolan again . He was riding around on a little car . Seeing him got me thinking . For the most part , the kids here have nearly everything my kids back home have . They have toys to play with . They swim . They take baths regularly . They get to play outside . They paint . They color . They have clean clothes . They participate in children 's programs . They get plenty of food . They get pushed around in strollers . I can go one , but you get the point . They are very well taken care of especially when I compare them to all of our other kids ' orphanages . A family . A Mama and a Papa . Brothers and sisters . And it shows . These kids still yearn for attention . They reach out for us . They run to us . They wave and they yell hi . And many of them rock back and forth despite the wonderful care they receive . Why ? Because deep down they yearn for the closeness and intimacy that comes from being in a Mama 's arms . They need that . They crave it . Yes , we are blessed to have our boys . . . to see them everyday . . . and to know that in just a few days they will be leaving this place forever . But that day cannot come soon enough . Hoping and praying that this Wednesday is the day we get to bust them out forever ! P . S . Rachel got to sweep and mop the stairwell on our floor . We did it as a favor to our friends who are still away at camp . For a while , she actually wasn 't bored . : ) Rather than walking in our usual way with Nolan 's eyes immediately fixed on us , we walked around the baby house the other way to get Oliver first . Oliver 's groupa looked like a bunch of bumble bees with many of them dressed in yellow . All the babies had their cute , pink , bare feet showing so I figured it was going to be a hot one . After playing with the babies for a while we took Oliver to go find Nolan . Like always , he spotted us immediately . He smiled and waved as we walked over to him . I 've noticed that Nolan is making more eye contact with me especially when I am providing him with food or drink . He wanted his usual sippy cup filled with water but this time he offered Oliver a drink . What a pleasant surprise . And Oliver drank a little bit too . . . another pleasant surprise . I was hesitant after feeding him a little piece of crumbly cookie the other day and watching him gag . I 'm not sure Oliver has ever had solid foods . Nolan is definitely getting used to us and shows many signs of actually preferring us over the caretakers but I can tell he is taking advantage of the current situation . When he is with us he has the freedom to roam . When he is with his group he is supposed to stay within certain boundaries . He likes it best when we are close to his group so he has the best of both worlds . He will wander off looking back to see who is going to chase after him - - us or the caretakers . He enjoys not only the snacks that we bring but the snacks that are served to the kids . That little stinker is pretty darn smart I tell you . Today Rachel went with me to take Oliver back to his group to eat . As the babies were changed into pajamas I sat on the floor and played with the babies . It didn 't take long for me to be scolded though . One caretaker insisted I go and wash my hands if I wanted to feed Oliver , probably because I touched the floor when I got up . In the wash room it was interesting to see that not only did each of the babies have their own towel with a hook labeled with their name , but each of the caretakers had their own towel with their names . Pretty sanitary if you ask me . Strange being they allow the babies to steal each other pacifiers to pop in their mouth , and they share diapers . It was very entertaining to watch two little boys keep taking the same pacifier from each other 's mouths over and over . One would pull the pacifier out of the other 's mouth and pop it in his own mouth to get a few good sucks until the other one would steal it right back . This went on 3 or 4 times and was absolutely adorable . Not only did I get to feed Oliver but Rachel got to feed one of the babies too . I 'm sure she enjoyed it very much . After , I gave Oliver a toy to play with . . . a little , white , squishy , plastic giraffe . He chewed and played with that thing for a long time , so much that I am very tempted to offer 30 grivna for it on the trip home , or even worse , slip it in my purse . I know . . . what a horrible thought but it would probably cross your mind too if you saw how much he enjoyed it and up till now had never shown much interest in any other toy . Here 's to hoping they realize the sentimental value of Oliver having something familiar for the trip home . I stopped to use the bathroom on the way out and passed the laundry room . There are actually 2 big dryers and a lady who was ironing the kids 't - shirts . How wild is that ? We rode shotgun again on the very same marshootka as yesterday . Definitely our preferred method of transportation . We made a quick detour over to the open market to get some fresh cucumbers and tomatoes . We saw the same ol ' babooshka selling bags and stopped to buy one . She remembered us . And after I paid her she gave us both big hugs and kisses . : ) On Sunday we will attend a third church with the missionary family we spent the night with last week . We are both looking forward to this . Monday is Oliver 's birthday and the last day of our 10 day wait ! We will of course sing him happy birthday and celebrate with him - - but not with a cake I don 't think . For some reason , I want to celebrate with him once we are home . I want him to enjoy his very first bite of birthday cake surrounded by his whole family . If he is going to gag let him do it in the comfort of his new home . On this day we will take the boys to get their passport photos . Then on Tuesday we will hit the ground running to pick up the court decree and try and get both birth certificates . Please pray that we will be successful . Lastly , thank you so much for the outpouring of generous and loving support . This journey has been full of so many surprises and we are blessed that you have walked along side us the whole time . I still do not know what next week will bring , but we certainly have less to worry about now . Thank you again ! And bless you ! See . . . yesterday I was having a pretty down day . So much seemed to be weighing down on me that it was hard to have hope . It was hard for me to have faith and trust that we would ever get home . The body of Christ is an amazing group of people . It is hard to explain how I can feel so close to brothers and sisters in Christ , yet I do . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . We went to visit the boys today . Nolan was happy to see us . He understands that I am his Mama and Rachel is his sister . He is beginning to understand that we have a connection . When I went to take Oliver up to his groupa to eat , Nolan wanted to follow me . He even lied and said he had to go potty just so that he could follow me upstairs . Ya sure , the lying part isn 't so good , but the thought that he wanted to keep dibs on me is precious . Oliver is still congested . No one seems to notice . When he is outside , he feels hotter than usual . And I hardly see him sweat . Is this normal ? Hopefully he sweats and I just haven 't noticed it or aren 't looking in the right folds - - LOL . Hopefully no one seems concerned about his congestion because it is just allergies . Please keep him in your prayers . The sooner we can get him home , the better . Did I mention that he is a major cuddle bug ? He is content sucking on his tongue sitting in my lap . I still haven 't heard him cry . I 'm thinking of pinching him just to hear it . ; ) Now that I have gotten to spend time with all the babies , I am convinced that he is the second biggest baby in the groupa ! And yet they all eat the same sized portions , so go figure . He is less active than the rest of the babies but that is slowly changing . I 'm betting he sheds a few pounds once he is home and starts crawling . After our visit with the boys , we took the marshootka back to the city center . We did something really adventurous by sitting up front next to the driver . It was actually much nicer since we had a direct breeze from the open window and no one to bother us with stinky armpits . However I kept thinking as the engine revved louder than ever for half a mile , " When 's he gonna shift ! He better hurry up and shift ! " The drivers sure are hard on the engines here . John was able to give me some pointers about finding an ATM to pull out some money . Bless his heart . He aways manages to be my knight in shining armor . It 's crazy I know , but I have a personal problem obsessing over the outrageous fees that some banks charge . With many mouths to feed , I take pride in avoiding them at all costs . It makes me feel like a better steward of the money that God has given us through John 's job . I avoid the bank fees at all costs so using an ATM here has stretched me in ways I did not want to be stretched . I was able to pull out only a portion of what we need because of limits , but it is a start . It was bittersweet having the extra money in my hands . In one way , I feel that I have now increased our chances of getting home sooner and on the other hand I feel like I have flushed money down the toilet . But the fact that I bit the bullet and just did it , I am sure makes my hubby smile . I bet he wondered if I would actually do it . : ) I saw that someone donated $ 50 to our grant fund . How amazing is that ? I think that will cover those outrageous bank fees . Oh how the Lord works . Makes me smile knowing how creative our God is . Certainly not on my own understanding . Hi everyone . I know it has been a few days since my last post . I 'm sorry . Honestly , I have been struggling with what to write . Rarely do I have little to say , but I feel the Lord telling me to be still . . . be quiet . . . and lean on only a few right now . There are so many amazing and wonderful things to share but they are often overshadowed by discouragement , disappointment , talk of further delays , and an overall ache to be back home with my family . I sure miss them , that the thought of even talking to them right now would probably have me crying buckets . Yet , I still can 't wait to hear their voices and better yet . . . see their faces . Yesterday , I learned of an upcoming holiday that will delay things a week , unless certain things happen . I won 't elaborate , but I will ask for prayer that the Lord works on the hearts of the people who will help with Nolan and Oliver 's birth certificates . Please pray with me . I will also add that funds are really tight here . We are having to spend more than I imagined , and that is above and beyond the nice cushion I brought . I hope to figure out how to withdraw money from a bank and to find one with the lowest fees . But enough time spent on worrying about tomorrow . Let me share about our last few days . On Sunday we stayed home . The babyhouse seems to be on lockdown during the weekend so we decided to have a down day . We washed some clothes and watched a few movies on youtube . On Monday we visited the boys . Nolan is behaving much better now , although he did throw sand . But he is also a kid . . . an excited kid , and a boy so I didn 't make too big of a deal out of it . Nolan always manages to end up with a few pieces of candy . I don 't know if it is because he is a favorite or if the caretakers are handing it to him with the expectation that he behaves for us . Either way , it doesn 't hurt anything . He does end up with sticky hands , but I bought some wet wipes for 1 grivna . After an hour , I had to take Oliver back up to his room to eat . It was Malto Meal type kasha again with a little brown spoonful of who knows what . After guessing it was pureed meat or bulgar I finally asked . It was mush made from " pachenya " which is a biscuit cookie . As I fed Oliver , another caretaker began to feed another little boy . In order to shovel it in faster , the caretaker pushed his head back against the blanketed back of the chair . This method was not something I would use , but it certainly worked . I think that kiddo broke a new world 's record as fastest eater ! Sorry , I do not mean to make light of the situation as I find it very sad that these kids are not talked to , played with , or encouraged to feed themselves , but what else is there for me to do . I tried to talk and play with Oliver as I fed him so they could see from example how much more pleasurable feeding time can be for these babies , but at the same time I tried not to go overboard as to have my feeding duties taken away . I saw two new babies in the groupa . One little boy looks very sickly with purple fingertips so I assumed that he was at the hospital receiving treatment and had just gotten back . The other baby is a little girl with DS who was born in September . Both of them are cuties ! After I tucked Oliver in his bed , I went over to comfort two other little babies who were still waiting to be fed . Amazing what just a touch of the hand will do . I was with the other babies long enough for Oliver to fall asleep . As I left the room I saw him sweetly sleeping with his chubby little legs hanging out through the bars . That afternoon we went to another missionary friends ' home outside the city . I was not sure what to expect but Rachel and I were excited to be around other Americans . The family has twelve kids with five still at home so I knew we would have something in common . The family actually has a team of four from the states with them for another week , plus a Peace Corp volunteer so it was quite the party . These missionaries have been here for 7 years . The gave me a tour of their home which they built to American standards as close as possible so when other Americans come here they can have the comforts of home . After being here for nearly 4 weeks , I have to admit that I found comfort in flushing my toilet paper . We had barbecued chicken , pickled red tomatoes , freshly picked berries , tomato juice , summer salads , and stewed sweet peppers . I ate raw garlic and onion fresh from the garden . It was all very delicious . A neighbor came over and joined the party and later took me for a tour of his garden . I ate gooseberries for the first time and boy were they yummy ! The next day we rode a marshootka back into town with their oldest son Tim who still lives at home . It was sad to leave , but what a huge blessing it was to get that time with them . They filled up our emotional tank and gave us a break from the normal day to day activities . The next day we went to the open market . I wanted to buy a bag to carry our things home . When I asked the old babooshka who was selling them how much they were , I was surprised when she said three grivna . I was very thankful and actually tried to offer her an extra grivna . She asked , " What is this ? " and seemed genuinely offended that I was offering her charity . I was apologetic but at the same time I tried to show my appreciation for her and her honesty and hard work . I guess love needs no spoken language because she understood my heart and gave me a great big hug and a kiss ! It was wild . As I walked away , I felt certain that we had both blessed each other . At the end of today 's visit , Nolan did not want us to leave . He did not want to go back to his groupa . He did not cry , but he shook his head no to us leaving . Finally with the promise to be back tomorrow , he waved to us good bye . Oliver continues to have a snot nose and sounds congested . I hope it is just allergies . I seem to be more accepted by the caretakers since I have began showing them the photo album I brought . Maybe this Mom of 17 actually knows something about taking care of a baby . : ) Today is Saturday . The weather is so much cooler that it is hard not to find a reason to smile . I must have told Rachel 40 or 50 times how nice the weather is today . Praising God ! Though we woke up late , we made it to the bus stop in record time . The other adoptive family that is here couldn 't join us at this time , but Rachel and I still went to the baby house . Just as we got to the bus stop , the bus we needed , 110A , pulled up . Talk about perfect timing . : ) It was so nice to see the boys after court . Now that I am officially their Mama , it feels different to see them . Not that I didn 't feel in my heart that I was their Mama from the moment we met them , but now that we have declared to the judge that yes these boys have value , yes we want them to be part of our family , and yes we will love them always - - it feels more certain that these boys are here just temporary . After the 10 day mandatory waiting period , we will get to leave the baby house with the boys forever ! When we first got to the baby house we asked for the music room key . When we got up there , it was very hot and I didn 't feel brave enough to help ourselves to the air conditioner . Thankfully one of the caretakers understood what I was politely asking for and they turned it on for us . We tried painting with Nolan with Crayola Mess Free Color Wonder Fingerpaints . Trust me , it wasn 't mess free . If you call getting a petroleum like goop all over everything you touch " mess free " then you 're crazy . : ) With John nowhere in sight , Nolan was definitely testing the waters this morning . He spilled out his water - - twice . The second time I gave him a 2 minute time - out on my lap . After that he was fine with the water . Then he hit Oliver ( not hard but still ) and I reminded him that we don 't do that . About five minutes later , he hit Rachel . That was another time - out on my lap . This time it wasn 't as pleasant as the first one since he realized I wasn 't playing around . After that I didn 't see anymore hitting . Then the other adoptive family came with the little girl they are adopting . Things were going fine until Nolan did something again that he knew he shouldn 't . I had him sit on my lap for a third 2 minute timeout and this time he had a meltdown . I think a light bulb went off when he realized I meant business . He started crying loudly , but I remained firm . After I let him off my lap he continued his little tantrum on the floor . It wasn 't really even a tantrum but more like a lay on the floor in total defeat and sulk fest . I picked him up and asked him if he wanted to go back to his groupa since I know that he enjoys being with the other kids and is probably tired of hearing me speak horrible Russian / English to him . He nodded yes , and I told him that after he helped put away the toys we would go . At first he didn 't want any part of it , but I kept up the expectation that if he wanted to go back to his groupa he needed to help clean up . After a minute , he decided to help and then I told him we could walk back to his groupa . I asked him to hold my hand , which he had no problem doing . We walked back and he gave me a hug and blew me a kiss . Any hard feelings were long forgotten as we blew kisses to each other . Even though it was not easy , I was incredibly happy how the visit played out . I know he is testing me and learning what is and what is not acceptable . He is very smart and wants to know exactly what the boundaries are . I think that is wonderful . I prefer he do it now rather than doing it all on the trip home . I got to feed Oliver again and love on the other babies in his groupa . That room is sure loud at feeding time . This may sound crazy , but I can 't wait to hear Oliver 's cry . I have heard almost every other baby 's cry , but not Ollie 's . He is such a content baby from what we can see . That , or he has figured out that his cries go unanswered . Either way , I can 't wait . After our visit and a rest back at the apartment , Rachel and I went to the big open market . We found some great deals on coffee , candy for the kids back home , and deodorant . With the cooler weather we actually took the time to explore more of the open market . We found the pet section with live birds and guinea pigs , and the fishing section . We found the huge home improvement section too ! I plan to take lots of pictures . . . now if I could only figure out how to upload them to my computer . Court was supposed to start at 5pm but didn 't actually start till 5 : 30 . She was very nice and read through all of our paperwork before asking us a few questions . Within 20 minutes the whole thing was over including her ruling in favor of us adopting the boys ! We can 't wait till Nolan and Oliver get to meet the rest of the family . Hopefully only 2 more weeks here . John is on his way back home now to be with the kids . He will be home for Father 's Day . Perfect timing . What is even more perfect timing is that the 10 day waiting period will end on Oliver 's birthday . I can 't think of a better birthday present for him . John 's embassy appointment went very well . He will be back here late tonight . In the morning , he will visit with our boys one last time . Court should be around 4pm tomorrow . And then John will catch an overnight train back to Kiev . With the Euro cup going on , flights for Saturday aren 't available . God willing John will be back home with our kids on Sunday . Today we moved to our missionary friends ' apartment . They will be gone for the next 2 weeks so they invited us to stay . This is a huge answer to prayer . It is so hot here ! Riding on a marshootka for 25 minutes with hardly a breeze let alone air conditioning , doesn 't help I 'm sure . Honestly , we are so spoiled back home . Sure there is air conditioning here in cars and in homes , but not on any of the city buses we have been on . And when a bus designed to seat 15 has 30 people crammed in it , the temperature rises quite a bit . It is actually cooler to get out and walk . When we first went to the babyhouse , I was concerned that the babies didn 't have a cool place to sleep . Thankfully the babyhouse has air conditioning in the " groupa " rooms . The visits continue to get better and better with our boys . Rachel noticed him rocking yesterday when she set him down next to her for a minute . He stopped as soon as she resumed loving on him . Right away she suggested that I spend extra time rocking him when we get home . Can 't wait ! Like I said earlier , it has been so hot here . The caretakers set up 3 little swimming pools for the kids to play in . Even though the water was warmed up and hardly refreshing , a few of the kids loved it ! As you will hear in one of the videos , a few of them did not ! We got the docs ! Court should be Friday . In order for John to fly home this weekend he needs to visit the Embassy . He is on a train to Kiev tonight so that he can do his visit tomorrow rather than waiting till Monday . We have lots of videos that I will load this evening . Stay tuned ! On Saturday night we went out to the market a few blocks from our apartment . On the walk back we saw this band of teenage boys playing on the street . A girl was walking around with a hat collecting donations . For a few grivna we got to enjoy some great entertainment . As we walked home we passed a young man playing his guitar singing Radio Head 's " Creep . " Then he sang Rhianna 's " Umbrella . " His buddy was steering a remote control car with a hat strapped to the top . We also threw in a few grivna to encourage them . Rachel asked the singer if he knew any Christian songs . " Just one . Joan Osborn 's What if God was one of us ? " : ) ( Just a slob like one of us . ) It was fun hanging out for a few minutes before going back to our apartment . It has been very hot here the past few days so we decided to do a morning visitb to beat the heat in the afternoon . When we got to the baby house we were surprised to see tons of the kids out and about . Now it looked like 121 kids lived here . As soon as our Little One saw us his face lit up . For the first time I took out my camera and asked to take a picture . One caretaker asked another and they said yes ! After this picture , John went off with our Big Boy to play with his groupa in the sandbox . Rachel and I hung out with the babies . With Rachel holding another little boy , I set down our Little One to take out my camera . He must have thought I was returning him because he started to get very sad faced and had tears coming out . My heart melted , and I quickly picked him back up . It was just precious . After an hour it was time to take the babies back upstairs to eat and nap . They allowed Rachel and I to help with this task . I decided to stick around and took the initiative to remove Little One 's outside clothes and put him in a t - shirt and little underwear . Let me say - - This was the highlight of my day ! But it made me kind of sad too . After about 2 minutes into feeding Little One another baby began to be fed by a caretaker . That baby was done before Little One was half way done because the food was shoveled so fast . And here I thought I was feeding Little One fast - - apparently not fast enough . All around us was crying babies - - all wanting to be fed at the same time . I wonder why they feed just one baby at a time while 3 or 4 others watch and cry . I am no expert , but I wonder why they wouldn 't make meal time more enjoyable by feeding three at once and having them take turns . To our big disappointment , we did not have court today . The document we needed to be signed by someone back in the capital was not , thus delaying court . . . again . As you can imagine , this has brought a lot of stress to John and I . . . a second time . Such high hopes followed by disappointment . How many more days before our boys are free ? How many days until we are united as a family ? We have had to cancel train and plane tickets with an added cost but with things completely out of our control , there is nothing else to be done . We miss our kids back home so much . We miss our family , our friends , our church . We miss each day that our whole family can 't be together . We trust everything will work out for the good of the Lord , but personally my faith is weak right now . Lord give me strength . We are away from our kids right now . And it is so hard to be away . But we trust that the Lord will provide beautiful , gracious hearted people to step up in our absence . This is so very hard to do . But we have seen it happen again and again and we are in awe that though things are completely out of our control , our Heavenly Father still has a perfect plan - - even when we don 't . We need to remember this when things don 't go as planned . I especially need to remember this as we wait for this document . Just in . We got the document ! It will be on a train tonight . However the judge is working on a murder case right now and has no room in his schedule . He is going to work us into his schedule for this Friday - - we hope . Good morning . Or good night depending where you are . This past Saturday was my birthday . I 'm 37 . Rachel and John made it the best birthday possible considering we are away from the rest of our family . I woke up to coffee in bed and a foot massage . Rachel got me my favorite coffee and ice - cream . She gave me a very nice pedicure . We went out to pizza for dinner with another adoptive couple who had just came in on the train . It was so nice conversing them . They can 't wait to meet their little girl ! The visit with our boys went great ! I was concerned that our Big Boy might want to go back to his groupa early , but we were armed with good ol ' pretzel sticks ! And I found some Roshen candy hidden in one of the ball pits left over from Children 's Day . Jackpot ! Little One is nothing short of amazing . He gives me so much eye contact and likes to imitate whatever I do with my tongue . I stick it out . He sticks it out . I give raspberrries . He gives raspberries . It is very cute . It might have been accidental , but when Rachel went to take him one time , he shook his head no . It made this Mama 's heart soar . As you may remember , my laptop crashed . We gave it to some friends to fix . They gave it back to us after church yesterday . John gave them some money to show our appreciation and before they left they tithed the whole amount . This really lifted our spirits in a country where bribes and extortion are rampant . John brought home the computer and before we could enjoy it , the dumb thing crashed again . The operating system on it was not very stable , so John met with our new friend again and hopefully we will get it back today - - with a different operating system on it . Please , please , please pray . We are supposed to have court tomorrow but the document we need has still not been signed . We found this out on my birthday a few days ago , and as you can imagine it really put a damper on things . Thank you to everyone back home who has so wonderfully stepped up to help take care of our children . You are part of this journey . We could not do this without you . You have continued to lift our spirits as we wait for this process to play out . Hope to write soon with some wonderful news ! John accidentally bought bologna instead of ham . He fried it up for lunch . We had sandwiches with the same hot dog buns we had at our picnic . They were so good , that I asked where our missionary friends had bought them . They are found in the open market where there are literally hundreds of vendors . And on our own , Rachel and I found the one vendor who sells them . : ) I think we were both tired in this picture . It seemed as if our Little One wasunder the weather . And he had a few scratches on his face as you can see . Our Big Boy is more and more interested to look at the photo album we brought . He can 't figure out why he is not in the pictures . He loves when John names all the people in the pictures . After about an hour , Big Boy was ready to go back to his groupa . It made me sad that he actually seemed to prefer being with his groupa today . But having adopted before , I can understand this and so we took him up . His groupa , for the exception of our visits for the last two weeks , is all he knows . They all speak the language he is familiar with , and he seems to love being with the other kids . Totally understandable . John asked again for a microwave . Finally he was told to meet the landlady down at the corner where he would walk to another apartment with her to get one . Here he is walking back with it in hand . When John tried to get " a quote " the guy seemed very uncomfortable to name a price . When John insisted , the guy finally suggested twenty grivna . About $ 2 . 50 . We made pizzas with the kids . Sergei next to Rachel has the biggest crush in case you can 't tell . The kids handed their pizzas to the kitchen staff so they could bake them in the oven . In the open market right outside our apartment we are able to get potato peroshki for 2 grivna the size of a sandwich and as filling . That is equivalent to about 25 cents . They make a wonderful meal with some fresh cucumbers and tomatoes . In the middle of grilling hot dogs , it began to downpour . The guy who runs the campground brought over these umbrellas for us . Thankfully the rain didn 't last longer than 10 minutes . Tomorrow John and Forrest are going back to the train station to return the ticket and get a portion of the cost refunded . Feeling a little down about the delay , but trusting God 's perfect timing . Now John will be here for my birthday and he will get in a few more Daddy visits with his boys before flying home . |
I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . My Dad was a research scientific glassblower . He had trained after he returned from serving in the war and after many years as an apprentice went to work for an oil company in their refinery . As a young girl I was mesmerised when I would spend hours with Dad in the garden shed as he made all different objects in glass . He would normally be making atomisers by the dozen , something he did to help pay for the very old car he and Mum had managed to buy . It was always going wrong and to pay all the garage bills Dad would take on extra work in the evenings and on weekends . In his shed he had shelves filled with glass of all different colours and would make small ornaments for us . He 'd ask us what we 'd want and we 'd excitedly shout out cat or dog or horse and within minutes the glass would be transformed into funny little characters . Even with his large hands Dad would craft the most beautiful intricate glass furniture for our dolls house and tiny glass coat hangers for our dolls clothes . It was always like magic to me , watching him heat the glass in the flame and then with various tools he would pull it into different shapes , sometimes blowing into it at the same time . It was wonderful and I loved our time together in the shed and the strange smell that only a glass blowing room has . For fun , Dad would blow very fine glass bubbles , they would waft up into the air and were so fragile that you could put your fingers through them and they would virtually disappear . Dad made beautiful gifts for friends and relatives and everyone would be in awe that he had made them in the shed . If he had not had the responsibility of a family and the need for a regular income I am sure he would have preferred to spend his time creatively rather than working with all the technical glass blowing at the refinery . When I attended a spiritualist church in London many years later , there was a young man , Martin , giving his very first inspired talk . You could tell he was extremely nervous and I had even seen him pacing up and down in the hallway before he had to take his place on the platform . He needn 't have worried at all as his talk was very good . You could tell that the congregation was hanging on his every word and you could have heard a pin drop . I noticed his aura expanding whilst he spoke and could see a vague outline of what appeared to be someone standing to the right side of him . I turned around and looked behind me to see if it could be a shadow or a play of the light , but everyone was sitting down and there were no obvious light sources . The medium on the platform was sitting to the left of Martin so I couldn 't see where this could be coming from . As he continued speaking I noticed an odd movement to the right hand side of him . There was a white - painted handrail with railings beneath which ran along the length of the platform and Martin was standing behind them and occasionally leaning on them . To my absolute amazement I could see the outline of someone leaning on the rail far to the right , and the more I looked the more form the shape took . Eventually I could see it was a man , a little taller than Martin , and surprisingly , he looked as if he was made of the glass bubbles that my Dad used to make . He was shiny and transparent ! It seemed an age that he was there , leaning on the handrail looking at everyone . I kept blinking to clear my vision because I just couldn 't really believe what I was seeing . When Martin sat down the man was no longer visible and the service went on as normal . However , when Martin stood again to say the closing prayer I could clearly see the man again . It was an experience that I know I will never forget . I spoke to Martin afterwards and asked him if he was aware of anyone standing near him but he said he wasn 't . I did very much feel that this may have been a spirit who was there to aAs time went on , and as I saw various mediums working , I began to see more and more outlines on walls behind them which would gradually form into ' glass ' people . Often it would be quite vague but sometimes I could make out distinct features , even clothes that were being worn and very often the medium would then give that as a description of the spirit communicator . When I had been away from my mediumship for several years it appeared that this ' gift ' of seeing spirit on walls or ' glass ' people had all but disappeared . I was chatting to some friends last summer and saying what a great shame that was . Then , much to my surprise , when I attended a local spiritual workshop I was sitting watching another medium demonstrate when I began to see the familiar outline slowly appearing on the wall behind her . I was thrilled ! As we worked that day the visions became clearer until I could actually use the vision as the basis for one of my readings when I was called to stand up and demonstrate . I saw a ' glass ' man leaning on a very old country gate and could see the countryside around him . Strangely I was also shown the most massive womans breast , which took up most of the wall , and I knew that he was connected to someone who had breast cancer . I was fortunate enough to be told his name , which is something I always ask for but don 't always get . I described him and the connection to the breast cancer and gave his name and immediately a woman could accept him and my communication with him strengthened . I was so grateful that I was able to give the recipient a good message from her loved one . I had just published my last post , 43 ) Interconnectedness , and whilst waiting for my toast to cool down , I was reading an email that had just arrived in my inbox . It was from Global One TV . I clicked on the link to look at their site and was drawn to take a look at the information about a film which has been made by Tom Shadyac . He directed many well - known entertaining films including The Nutty Professor , Bruce Almighty and Liar , Liar . The film he has made is a million miles away from his previous genre . I AM is a film he began to make after he was badly injured in a cycling accident and had begun to question his life , and to face the prospect of his own mortality . He wanted to investigate what is wrong with our world and what we can do to change it . He travelled extensively and , with a small film crew of only four , he interviewed several leading authorities on everything from science to psychology , from the environment to philosophy . He spoke to many many people in his search for answers including Bishop Desmond Tutu and Lynne McTaggart , the best - selling author whose work involves the linking of science and spirituality and the realism of quantum physics . What he found was that there was a lot more right with the world than he ever thought before . I watched the trailer for the movie and was blown away by the references to the connectedness of us all , of everything we know . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = iYtfnONazTU & feature = related I owe God an apology . Well in fact it 's an apology both to God and Jesus . It 's an apology from myself and also on behalf of my twin sister Tina , as we were in cahoots at the time , so I hope they will accept this from both of us . When we were about eleven years old , Mum was , spiritually speaking , trying to finding her way . From my earliest memories I remember Mum trying various religions . Some she would really get involved in and others she would dismiss very quickly . She was a natural medium , but even with the knowledge that spirit is energy and so , ever - lasting , she was still searching for the meaning of life and felt that ' somewhere ' , ' out there ' she would find it . She was working as a secretary for an airline in Hounslow , Middlesex , close to Heathrow Airport , and it was there that she met another secretary , Jean . Jean was a staunch member of the Plymouth Brethren Church . Unfortunately for us , Mum thought that this religion might be the one that we should all take on board . All , meaning Mum and Tina and myself , as Dad would never step foot inside a church and by that time our older brother , Ray , was more into becoming a hippy and playing his guitar than wanting to find himself embroiled in some religious activities . Jean belonged to a small Plymouth Brethren church that Tina and I attended with Mum on a few occasions . The whole place was very understated and to me felt totally flat . There was no atmosphere at all , no feeling of joyous celebrations of life , just really boring sermons , uncomfortable chairs and self - righteous middle - aged ladies , faces scrubbed clean and dressed in drab neat boring clothes . They had such strict rules which basically meant that if you were to become one of them you wouldn 't be able to have much fun at all . I couldn 't help but wonder why Mum was at all interested in this very odd religion , but I think that the stranger it appeared , the more Mum thought there must be something to it . I am also sure that Jean felt that she could somehow change Mum , give her ' real ' values and that she would throw away her makeup bag , her fashionable clothes , and become just like Jean - a mouse of a woman who spent her life adhering to the strictest of religious rules . Jean must have been very persuasive to get Mum to even consider joining . Jean asked Mum if Tina and I would like to go on a Plymouth Brethren holiday and she had said yes . Mum told us that it would be really good fun and that she felt we hadn 't given the church much of a chance . Reluctantly we agreed to go , after all , we thought , it might be ok because it meant that we would be away on holiday just the two of us for the very first time . We really thought that it couldn 't possibly be that bad ! We had never been camping before and this was a holiday in big tents , so we really were quite excited as we packed our tee shirts and shorts and swimming costumes . I remember feeling so grown up as I carried my own suitcase onto the coach . The holiday was at a campsite at Brean Sands in Somerset , right beside the sea . To me as a child , a seaside holiday meant making sand castles , sunbathing , sticks of rock , chips and fizzy drinks , , swimming in the sea , playing in penny arcades and donkey rides . I imagined us all sitting round a camp fire at night singing jolly songs . When we arrived we were all shown to our tents with our allotted sleeping bags already laid out on the ground . It didn 't look at all comfortable ! There was a large wooden cabin were we all had to meet up for meals and for ' meetings ' . The lady in charge was called ' Captain ' , I would think she was in her mid fifties and wore a rigid black suit with a high neck buttoned white blouse , not your usual holiday clothes at all . She looked like a sergeant major to me and I had an uneasy feeling about her from the off . It was obvious she already knew lots of the other children and her tight - lipped stern expression only softened into a smile when she was addressing those she knew . The rest of us were greeted with a scowl and a look of disdain . Not the best welcome to a week - long holiday . After sorting out our clothes we had to go the cabin for our tea . Captain sat at the top table and before we 'd even eaten a sandwich she was standing up calling from a register and issuing your orders for the week . When she came to Tina and I she told us that we were on latrine duty . I had no idea what a latrine was but soon found out . Basically we were going to be toilet attendants for the week . Somehow that did not thrill us . After tea we were told that the Bible verse for the week was John 10 , verse 10 . ' The thief cometh not , but that he may steal , and kill , and destroy : I came that they may have life , and may have it abundantly ' . Captain explained that what that meant was that we were all sinners and unless we behaved ourselves and repented that we would not go to heaven . I was really worried , because I knew that I wasn 't always good and had sometimes been naughty . I was convinced that there was no way I was ever going to be able to get into heaven . That first night when I went to sleep , in my sleeping bag on the lumpy ground , I was trying so hard not to cry because I really thought I was going to be in such trouble with God . The following morning after breakfast ( and prayers … . lots of prayers ) Tina and I had to carry out our latrine duties for the first time . The loos were dreadful . Everything smelt of jeyes fluid and the brushes for cleaning the toilet bowls had seen better days . It was not a pleasant task . I can 't begin to explain the state of some of the seats … . I still don 't know how they ever got like that . We had though been told that we would off on a bus to go to the beach for the rest of the day , so that was something we could really look forward to . We all went and waited at the bus stop with our swimming costumes and towels full of happy thoughts for the day ahead . The bus arrived , complete with some local passengers and on we all got . Much to our absolute horror , Captain got everyone singing hymns . " S - A - V - I - O - U - R - we want you all to know , you 're the one , the only one who saves from sin ( saves from sin ) , if in him , you will believe , his pardon you 'll receive " , etc etc . I felt a total fool with everyone staring at us . I had no option but to get used to it , because it happened everyday for the whole week . I just kept thinking that no - one would know Tina and I and at least we weren 't singing hymns on a bus where we lived . Even on the beach the theme of the week continued . We were dispatched to sandcastle making teams . It was all very formal and efficient . Each team was given a passage from the bible that you had to make into a sand sculpture . My team had the verse ' For narrow is the gate , and straitened the way , that leadeth unto life , and few be they that find it . ' Captain explained that in order to get into heaven we had to walk along the narrow path , but that most of us walked a wider path . There was that threat again . Behave … or else ! There was no swimming , no boat rides , no ice creams . No fun at all . To me , even at that young age , I felt that their whole philosophy was one of fear . So it went on through the whole week . I really wasn 't sleeping very well and both Tina and I cried ourselves to sleep every night because our worries were growing by the day . I made the massive mistake of asking Captain if we would be able to go to the pier and the fun fair . My goodness , she was not happy with me at all . I was told that I was sinful to want to go against the teachings of the bible . Then to top it off Tina and I were severely reprimanded by Captain , in front of everyone , because we were found walking across a field towards a donkey derby , which we were told , was strictly against God . That 's it , I thought , I 've totally had it now . I was convinced that I was going to hell . It was becoming an increasingly miserable time apart from every night , after the sermon , when other children were standing up telling how they had found Jesus or God . Everyone would be clapping and they would then become an accepted member of the group . It was obvious to us that there were very few left who hadn 't found Jesus , and we were definitely among those few ! It also appeared that those people who had just found God or Jesus were given the better jobs within the camp . People who had been on rubbish patrol would be moved to cutlery placing , those on washing up were put on bread and butter service . It seemed that was the only way to get ahead . Tina and I reckoned that as we were already in so much trouble and we were going to go to hell anyway , we would hatch a plan to get out of latrine duties ! The following evening , after we had cleaned the loos before supper , we had our course of action in place . After we had eaten and said more prayers , and Captain had given us all yet another lengthy sermon on behaving , we stood up in unison . We told her we had found Jesus behind the cabin . She did look a little stunned , but managed a very small smile and everyone started clapping wildly . " The twins have found Jesus " , " the twins have found Jesus " they exclaimed excitedly ! People gathered round us and hugged us . Suddenly we were no longer the outsiders , we were part of the group . The next morning after breakfast we were given new instructions for the rest of the week . No longer did we have to clean the loos , we were told we would be in charge of handing out breakfast cereals and porridge . We had certainly been promoted . Our plan had worked ! Then , the dreaded guilt set in . The realisation of the lies we had told and the total certainty of an everlasting life in hell really took its toll on both of us . We couldn 't wait to get home to talk to Mum and Dad . We were praying they could somehow fix everything with Jesus and God . Thankfully the time to go home eventually arrived . Even now , forty - five years later , I remember how long that week felt . Mum and Dad met us at the coach station and had expected to be meeting two very happy sun tanned girls . Instead we got off the coach and just fell into their arms crying . Through sobs we told them that we were going to hell . We really were distraught . They asked us to explain what had happened and after we had , they told us there was no way in the world we would be going to hell . Dad really was quite cross that anyone could put such fear into children but was laughing uncontrollably when we told him about us finding Jesus behind the cabin . Mum explained that God is love and that there is no way in the world that God would want anyone to be frightened of him . Quite seriously it took months for Tina and I to get over the fears that had been instilled in us that week . Mum , thankfully , decided not to go to the church with Jean ever again and was very pleased when Jean moved offices ! Now , as an older woman , with many years of life 's experiences under my belt , I feel that the higher spirit , the creator of our universe , is as Mum said , pure love . Of that I have absolutely no doubt . I tend to follow my own spiritual pathway and rarely become involved in anything termed as ' religion ' , although I pray every night , and happily pray with friends . I do still wonder whether the other children on that holiday were as frightened as we were . A whole week of being indoctrinated is pretty hard for an adult , never mind a young child . Thank goodness Tina and I had each other and parents who showed us , through example and guidance , what a wonder our creator truly is . I do though still wish to apologise for telling the lie about finding Jesus behind the cabin . Quite possibly ( hopefully ) God and Jesus had a good laugh about it . I am hoping they have a good sense of humour ! Simon and I went down to North Devon a couple of weekends ago . I used to live there and sometimes feel a real longing to drive along familiar country roads and walk along a typical sandy Devon beach and feel the fresh sea air on my face . I have a friend who lives just outside Barnstaple , Susan Roberts , I have mentioned her in my blogs before . She set up and runs the English Psychic Company , and she was my first real teacher of mediumship . She ran a tight ship and accepted nothing but the best . My evenings in her classes were a mixture of trepidation and relief . She set such high standards and expected nothing less of us , her pupils . She wouldn 't even accept you on a course until you had passed a test to prove that you had some potential , and that was nerve - wracking in itself . I first met Susan after my Mum had died and I had heard her ( Mum , not Susan ! ) talking to me in the loo , always late at night . The first time it happened I thought it was my imagination , but immediately as I thought that Mum told me it wasn 't . I came out of the loo and didn 't tell anyone what had just happened as I was sure they would think I was crazy . The following night , just before bed , again in the loo , Mum talked to me again , I told her that I was sure she was a wishful thought and again she told me she wasn 't . Well if you are real , I said , make the lights go on and off . To my utter amazement , the lights flickered ! You have never seen anyone move so fast out of the loo ! This happened for several nights . Nothing at all in the daytime , but come my last visit to the loo , there would be Mum . I didn 't see her , but I could feel her presence , her warmth and love , and I could hear her voice , definitely hers , not mine , but inside my head . During the day I was so sad , missing my Mum so much , but feeling quite mixed up knowing that in the evening there would be this very odd form of contact . I tried to reason with myself that the whole thing was just too bizarre and to be honest I often felt that I was losing the plot . It was a secret I kept to myself . Part of me dreaded going to the loo because I was quite afraid , but another part would be looking forward to the comfort that I felt every night knowing that Mum was ok and was still around . I had met a spiritual healer , Liz Gilmour , at a local spiritual fayre a couple of years before and had kept her business card in my purse . I felt sure that she would know of someone locally I could go and see to try to find out what was going on . I rang Liz and without telling her any information at all I asked if she knew of anyone who could communicate with spirits . Without hesitation she recommended Susan Roberts . She told me that Susan had an excellent reputation and was very down to earth . I rang Susan straight away and made an appointment which was for a week later . She asked me to bring along a photo of the person I would ideally like to get in contact with , but she said she couldn 't always guarantee that that person may communicate . Apart from that she didn 't ask me anything else at all . Part of me was so excited to be seeing a professional medium and the other part was absolutely terrified . I had no idea what to expect and kept feeling the biggest butterflies in my tummy every time I thought about it . Eventually the day of the reading arrived and with an enormous amount of trepidation I went along to see Susan . It was such a relief to be welcomed by a ' normal ' woman who immediately put me at my ease . She showed me into her sitting room which spookily overlooked a graveyard , I remember thinking how funny that was . I showed her the photo I had taken along and straight away Susan told me it was a photo of my Mum who had died three weeks before , She told me about Mum 's illness and how she had died . Then , much to my amazement , and laughing as she told me , she said that Mum had been talking me in the loo ! Everything Susan told me was absolutely accurate . I skipped out of her house and driving home felt so uplifted and positive totally knowing that my Mum had been chatting to me . I had no idea at the time that I would again be in contact with Susan within a few weeks . My brother Ray died totally unexpectedly just six weeks after my Mum . He was only fifty and was found in his bed at home . At the time we had no idea how he had died or what was the cause of his death . I spoke to Susan just days after Ray died , as again I was sure I could feel him close to me . She gently started to explain that it was most probably too early for him to be able to make contact , but as she spoke I could sense her hesitating . She asked if a red tricycle meant anything to me . It certainly did . As I said yes she started receiving more evidence from Ray . She told me exactly how he had died and most importantly for me , that he had felt no pain . She told me that his heart had literally just stopped . That he was here one minute and gone the next . Just like that . No pain at all . I was so relieved as I had been concerned that he would have been distressed . Sure enough when we received the results of his autopsy it confirmed that his heart had just stopped and that his passing to spirit would have been instant . I have absolute confidence in Susan and when she told me that over the years she had been contacted by several spirits who wanted their experiences of death heard by a wider audience , I could appreciate why they had chosen her to tell their stories . She had written their stories exactly as she heard them , and over a long period had built up quite a selection . Spirits contacted her from all walks of life with very different stories to tell . She decided to bring the stories to the stage and called the production The Afterlife Monologues . Several of her students took the roles of the spirits and spoke in the first person , recounting their memories . I was intrigued and was so sad when I was unable to attend the first time it was on at a theatre in Devon . It was by pure chance just a couple of months ago that I asked Susan is she was thinking of putting on another production . She said that one was planned for the end of March . That was wonderful news ! I could go and walk along the beach , see some old friends , and go and see the Afterlife Monologues all within a long weekend . I booked the hotel straight away and Simon booked the time off work . We were so lucky with the weather . Our journey from our home in Hampshire was just beautiful . We stopped by a field of new - born lambs , watching them running and playing , then found a country pub where we enjoyed a fantastic lunch on a sunny roof terrace . It couldn 't have been better . We met Susan at her premises and sat near the back so that we could see everything . The stories from the spirits were just incredible , The readers were amazing and bought the stories to life . You really felt they were telling their own experiences . When we spoke to some of the readers in the break they said that they could feel the emotions of the spirits whose stories they were reading , which was certainly conveyed to us in the audience . Simon , who I had thought may find it all a little boring , actually really enjoyed the evening . Afterwards when we were sitting having a drink in the bar in the hotel he was asking so many questions about spirit . Far more than he ever has in the years we have been together . I believe that the moving and realistic way in which the experiences were bought to life really made his mind open up to the reality of our ongoing lives in our spiritual form . I do hope that one day Susan will make a dvd of these stories so that an even wider audience can experience these for themselves . I do think that one thing that so many of us find so hard to talk about is physical death . It is a subject that many people avoid as they say it is depressing and also of course many find the whole thing terribly frightening too , which is understandable . It is though , the one thing that we all know for sure will happen to us at some time , yet most of us are totally unprepared for it . We are also unprepared for the death of a loved one . It is almost taboo to talk about such things unless you are talking to an insurance salesman or a solicitor who is drawing up wills . I know that when my parents and my brother all died within less than four months I wouldn 't have been able to cope without the certainty that their spirits , their souls , still existed . It was largely thanks to Susan and her spiritual communications that I could manage to get through those dark days . I was talking to her after my Dad had died , telling her how very sad I was and how much I missed him . She told me something I will never forget . She said that whilst we are all so upset here for losing someone we love , at the same time there are massive celebrations in the spirit world as that person is being reunited with loved ones who have passed before . She said to imagine that my Dad was on a ship , leaving the shore , waving to me as he went , but when the ship completed its journey , he would reach another shore where his Mum and Dad and his brothers and sisters would be waiting to greet him . I thought of that many times over the years , knowing how pleased Dad would have been to see his family and in particular his twin sister Mary again , knowing how much he missed her throughout his life . We had a wonderful time back in North Devon . I did manage to walk along my old local beach and enjoyed feeling the warm sand between my toes , breathing in the crisp clear air . We drove down many winding country lanes , shared lovely times with old friends and Simon took some great photographs . What a great mini - break we had , and how delighted I was to have been able to see the Afterlife Monologues . I know the stories and experiences of those spirits will stay with me always . I was really chuffed to be the recipient of this award given to me by the very delightful blogger Summer Grant ( isn 't that just the most wonderful name ! ) who writes the blog anyonething which I thoroughly enjoy reading . I love the enthusiasm and honesty of her posts which share her journey of studying to be a journalist / writer and her avid joy for the written word . She has a great sense of wit and has an opinion on almost everything . A really refreshing blog which I would advise you to take a look at ! The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world . The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe , who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming , who do not quit but keep trying . There are no rules . If you wish to , simply accept it and you are done ! You are also free to decline or ignore it . Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish . With that in mind I would like to nominate another spiritually based blog , the tovarysh connection . I tend to read these gentle posts again and again and always find further nuggets of wisdom to consider throughout my day . I do hope that you will take the time to look at her inspirational words and insights into life . |
Some of the following are a sampling of previously published , true first person encounters with Death that have appeared in The Azrael Project Newsletter over the past 25 years , along with newer encounters that visitors to this website have shared . his was always the heart of the newsletter , and the main reason for its inception and continuance . e are continually adding to this page as encounters are submitted . o submit your encounter with Death for consideration for inclusion on this page , you may use the following forum to post on Encounters With Death Message Board or you may simply email us . dditional encounters with Death can be viewed on the forum . Walter Savage Landor " I have had several episodes . However , most recently I experienced Him . . . last year . I am a nurse at a large hospital in Salem , MA . One of my patients called me to her bedside to tell me she was feeling " not quite right " , and that she felt as if she was going to die . Up until that point the woman was in good health and was only admitted for diagnostic exams . Slowly , the woman began to loose consciousness and , in fact , started to die ! All the time I was doing everything possible to regain her . I had called in several people for help , and soon the room was filled with nurses and doctors . I stood back from her bed by the doorway , giving the doctor a report of what transpired . I saw out of the corner of my eye the other people in the room . But , standing at the foot of ( her ) bed was someone dressed in black . I really didn 't pay much attention to him because I was concentrating more on the patient . The person dressed in black walked away from her bedside and started to leave the room , and as I was standing in the doorway , I had to move for him to get out . I did so saying , " Oh , excuse me . " I felt a huge breeze as he brushed by me . I turned to the person next to me and asked who that was who just left ? This person said , " No one just left . " I gave a description of the person , but they still insisted that nobody just went out of the room . Just at that moment , the patient rapidly regained consciousness . It was at that point I realized who that person was all dressed in black . " " About a year ago , I attended the funeral of an acquaintance of my husbands . I had no choice but to bring my children ( ages 5 and 7 ) with me to the graveside service . My husband thought it would be a good idea anyway as they hadn 't been exposed to the death of anyone at this age , not even a family member . We were standing around the grave - site while people took turns eulogizing the deceased . All of a sudden my five year old started walking off as if he saw something standing at the foot of the grave . Everyone went silent as he walked up to a point , looked up and started talking , as if to a real person , but I saw no one . It was an awkward situation , as I couldn 't pull him away from this spot . A bit frustrated , I asked him ' who are you talking to , anyway ? ' His reply unnerved everyone , ' I 'm talking to the real tall skinny man in the long black coat . ' Of course , no one else saw this , or at least , no one else admitted seeing this . After the service , I asked my son what they talked about . His reply was , ' He didn 't remember . ' But , that he ' talked without moving his lips . ' I get a chill just thinking about this . " " I often take late night walks through a cemetery near my home . One night , a few weeks back . . . I was sitting in a clearing surrounded by 7 foot yew and cypress . It 's a very quiet and private spot far from houses and street - lighting . . . . The bushes started to rustle . First , just a breeze , which quickly grew into gusts of cool wind that seemed to come from beneath them . ( Odd , because it was a typically still , hot and muggy southern August ) . Suddenly , the air was filled with the scent of dying Jasmine and earth , almost like after a heavy rain . Each time the wind would gust , a shadow would pass over me . I had the feeling of many presences around me , almost in a circular fashion . Suddenly , everything grew still again . There were no bird or cricket sounds like normal . It was absolute silence . The shadows seemed to have sunk into the earth . I figured , well . . . that 's it ! Time to head on home . So , I got up and started walking toward the main road . I could see my own shadow now on the pavement in front of me , as the streetlights were plainly visible from here . There was also a second shadow that seemed to almost " grow " out of my own until there were two , distinct shadows . I turned to look behind me and saw no one . But , when I turned back around to face forward , I saw the Angel of Death plain as day standing cross - armed before me about 10 feet away . He was framed in dark ultraviolet . Quite a striking image , to say the least ! A gust of very cold wind came again from beneath my feet . I felt my hair blow upwards as I watched the spectre of Death rise upward with the wind and disappear into the tall trees . I must have looked stupid standing there with my mouth open . I collected myself and continued walking home . Every so often , I could feel Him hovering over me . When I got home , I fell into a deep sleep under the shadow that hung over my bed . I never felt so at peace as I had that night . " " I had a very odd encounter with Death . For the past several months , my seven year old niece was going on and on about a tall , black shadow that comes to her in the woods behind our house . My family has always been very open and honest about things of a spiritual nature with the children . So , when I asked her to tell me more about the " stranger " , she immediately and nonchalantly referred to her visitor as " the Angel of Dying " . I asked her how she knew this . She told me that " the angel told her so . " She had been trying to tell us about " the angel " for quite a while now . But , as usual , we adults are so caught up in the day to day , that we tend to ignore children 's rambling about " imaginary " friends . However , her persistence , and reading about other people 's encounters . . . spurred me to sit down with her and listen . I am more of a mother to her , as her real mom passed away two years ago , so we are very , very close . She sat calmly and told me why the angel " took " her mom away , and why she also had to leave soon . At first , I didn 't understand . Later that day , she came running up to me during dinner , grabbed my hand and literally pulled me from my seat , insisting that her " angel " wanted to meet me . It was about 8 : 30 pm as we went out into the yard . She told me to sit on the grass while she went into the woods to " get him " . What I saw next was absolutely incredible ! She emerged from the woods in a swirl of leaves , floating about a foot off the ground . She was skipping playfully on thin air and was hand in hand with a figure so dark that it literally had no shadows . I froze for an instant as they came to where I sat . Every hair on my body stood on end . My niece came behind me , putting her hand on my shoulder telling me not to be afraid . She then took my hand and put it into " his " . The next thing I remember , was my husband hovering over me in the yard and a group of paramedic workers attending to my niece about three feet away . She passed away that night from a brain hemorrhage . The whole event changed all of our lives hereRose Marie Cortenga " Death has been no stranger to me this year as I have lost a child ( through miscarriage ) and three of my beloved cats . On one hot evening in July , I set up my altar in the south , over the mantle to perform a protection spell for myself and our coven . After doing the ritual , I left the candle to burn out . When I returned to check on it , the room was uncommonly cool for a July night in California , also compared to the rest of the house ! I walked to the mantle to look closely at the candle for a while , and , as I did , was drawn to the window . I gazed out upon a seemingly normal , lovely night . But , as I turned , I felt a cool breeze that seemed to pass through me . All the hair on my arms stood straight up , and in the southeast corner of my room , loomed a black figure so tall it appeared to bend forward as it reached higher than the ceiling . I 'd never experienced such a thing before , and literally the words that filled my mind were , " Oh , shit , it 's the Grim Reaper ! " and I quickly ran out of the room . Yes , I know that 's silly . I 'm certain I would be found just as easily in the den . . . but ? As I sat then in contemplation , I was filled with laughter , for I felt so ridiculous for my behavior , but I also felt very protected and I knew the spell I 'd performed would succeed . ( It did ! ) After this experience , I began to feel a bit different about death and became more open to my dark side . Before , Death was the enemy . I 'd do all I could to prevent Its presence , for it was the " thief " that stole what I loved and gave me grief . My views were changing . . . Also , it was at this point that the spirits began to show themselves to me . . . Months passed , and it was now October and my coven and I were in the midst of our All Hallows ritual . . . We sensed a " gate " opening to us through which many spirits came and interacted with us . . . Then , all of a sudden He appeared at the doorway . His presence blocked out everything else , taller and blacker than the night , hooded with a cloak or something that seemingly floated behind Him . He walked out the " door " A . H . " My encounter with Death wasn 't directed at me . I was merely a bystander , who , for whatever reason , was allowed to watch Death " take a soul " . I live on the 8th floor of a large apartment complex , and my living room window aligns exactly with my neighbor 's bedroom window . Our windows are about 8 feet apart and across from one another . Last summer , late one evening , it was a particularly quiet night suddenly made even more silent . I was reading on my sofa directly under the window , when all of a sudden the usual " night - sounds " , i . e . , crickets , birds , even traffic just stopped . With my back to the window , I started to hear the sound of a low heart - beat , and then a strong wind rushed down between our two buildings . The sound of the wind was distinctly like huge , flapping wings and the wind grew so strong that it blew in the window and knocked over my lamp . I got up , peered out the window and the air smelled like wet earth and dying flowers . On my neighbor 's window ledge was the most amazing dark shadow , crouching and looking in his window ! I watched as it " floated " into my neighbor 's opened window . The heart - beat sound was now pounding in my head to the point of giving me a headache . Inside my neighbor 's room , all I could see was a flash of blue light , very low and subdued . . . and the sound of the heart - beat stopped . I felt suddenly strange , lightheaded , like all of the oxygen was taken out of the air . I fell back onto the sofa , and again the scented wind whooshed into my window and was gone as quick as it came . The night - sounds started up again immediately ! The next thing I heard was my neighbor 's family scrambling and turning on lights , so I yelled out the window if everything was all right . I was informed that their father was dead , so I rushed over to see if I could help in some way . When I arrived in his room , I felt faint again and started to tell his sister some of what I saw and felt . She , too , felt and heard similar things but saw nothing . As time went on and I got to talk to the whole family , no one else hearCarl DePensio " You know all the strange things you hear about the New York subway system ? Well here 's one that I 'm sure you 'll like . I take the # 1 train home every night from work , usually about 2 am . It 's a relatively short and speedy ride . The train was nearly deserted , and the car that I got into had only one passenger . From the looks of him , I suspected that he was one of the homeless simply looking for a place to keep warm as it 's been a very cold winter up here . I sat at one end of the car , and he at the other . I was reading a newspaper for a few minutes and then glanced up quickly . There was another passenger sitting right next to him . . . but we hadn 't stopped and no one else had entered the car ! He was the most gaunt , pale creature I ever saw . I couldn 't help staring at him , but I don 't think he noticed me just then . His fingernails were blue - black , not painted , more like cyanotic . The whole car began to smell of dying flowers and wet earth . It was weird . He touched the sleeping , homeless man on the shoulder . He was obviously groggy , but he looked the strange man straight in the eyes and broke into a smile and tears at the same time . Then , they both turned and looked straight at me . I thought that I was going to keel over right there . An incredible cold ran up my spine and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up . I had to look away almost immediately , as it was somehow extremely painful looking into the stranger 's eyes . They seemed to be drawing me in and my heart was pounding so fast , I felt as if I was going to pass out . Just then , the lights in the car went out ( as they frequently do ) . It was only for a moment or so . When they came back on , the strange man was gone , and the other man was slumped over the side of the seat . I just knew that he was dead . His eyes were staring into space and he had the most peaceful smile . The whole event affected me deeply . I am both apprehensive and assured at the same time . That experience taught me that Azrael is gentle , but harnesses an incredibly awesome energy of Derek Cabriole " When I was 8 years old , the Angel of Death actually saved my life ! I was ice - skating alone on a pond when I fell through the ice . I couldn 't find the opening and I was panicking and starting to pass out from the cold water which was flooding my lungs . Suddenly , I felt something poking at me and I grabbed it , and felt myself being pulled through the water and up through the opening in the ice . When my head came out of the water , I couldn 't believe my eyes ! I was terrified ! I saw a hooded , black - robed corpse . The stick that I was grabbing onto was actually the blunt end of a very large , silvery scythe . The figure was very tall and very big . His face was that of a decomposed corpse . . . like a skull , no eyes , just sockets . But , inside the eye - sockets were swirling whirlpools of black and dimly glowing reds . A skeletal hand reached down to me and pulled me the rest of the way out of the water . At first , I was more scared of the figure than of drowning . In fact , I though I was dead . The odor of death was everywhere , but somehow it didn 't bother me at all . In fact , for some reason , it seemed to comfort me . Azrael put his skeletal hand on my head and gently stroked my wet hair and spoke to me saying , " Do not fear , little one , I 'm here to protect you , it 's not yet your time . " Suddenly , I felt sleepy , probably from hypothermia , and I struggled to keep my eyes open but couldn 't . A few moments later , I awoke from my brief sleep with a feeling of incredible warmth that swept through my entire body . I opened my eyes again , and Azrael was gone , but I still felt His presence very strongly , and I was no longer afraid of death . The warmth stayed with me the entire mile long walk back home despite the fact that it was only about 14 degrees outside . I have felt very close to the Angel of Death since that day . Death actually saved my life , and I have felt His presence with me ever since . " " For as long as I can remember , I have felt a strong affinity for the " Death energy " . I come from a very large family and have attended the wakes of many relatives . Coming from a traditional Irish - Catholic background , all of our funeral rites are lavish in pomp and circumstance . From the age of 6 , my first wake , I can remember the presence of a man who came to the service alone , spoke to no one , but simply sat in the background and " observed " . I remember asking my dad , " Who is that man ? " He 'd simply say , " What man ? " He couldn 't see him . It seemed that my aunt and I were the only ones that could ever see him , and she never wanted to talk about it . He 's been at every wake thus far . Most of our family wakes were held at a local tavern , and split between there , the funeral home , and our family home . The " mystery man " would sit at the end of the bar , in the shadows , just staring at everyone . I remember thinking how " beautiful " he was when I was younger , with pale , marble - like skin , extremely tall with incredibly dark eyes that seemed to pierce right through your soul . But , his clothes were always " wrong " . . . out of time , as it were . . . as he seemed . A couple of times , he raised his glass to me as if to make a toast , then he 'd smile . . . Finally , when I was about 17 , I decided it was time to " confront " this mystery man . Oddly enough , it was at the wake of my aunt , the only other person who actually saw him as I did . He was at his usual place at the end of the bar when I walked up to him . I stopped about 5 feet from where he sat , not out of choice , but because my body just locked up as if I suddenly became paralyzed . In the space of that last step , I seemed to have stepped out of time . The voices in the background faded to a faint whisper and everything sounded like it was coming through a long tube . Without thinking , I blurted out , " Why are you here ? " He simply turned toward me and said with a smile , " Very good question , son . . . very good . Allow me to turn it back on you ! " He laughed momentarily and his face became a skull for aCarl McCallum " Ten years ago , while I was working the aptly named " graveyard shift " at a local 24 hour radio station , I had several bizarre encounters with a being in a long black , hooded robe . I would see this being , whom I immediately thought resembled the " ghost of christmas future " standing down a hallway near the major control room . Several encounters occurred in the summer and left a feeling of ice - box cold in their wake ! Strangely , I felt no terror , just immense curiosity , and , very alien to me then , a longing to speak with this figure , who never spoke to me . I never saw its face , though the hands appeared skeletal . These appearances came some months after my mother died of cancer and my grandfather of complications from a stroke . Although I was not there when my mother died , I had felt intense guilt . . . up until I had the encounters with the entity . Since then , I have replaced that guilt with simple regret that I could not have been there to share in the " passing over " experience , as I had done with my grandfather . I saw such a look of happiness and relief on his face after much suffering . I can never again truly ever fear Death . " " I am a hospice care - giver mostly to AIDS patients and others on the final stages of terminal illness . I had become quite close to one patient in particular , and we would often have length discussions about all things spiritual during his lucid moments . Early on the morning of his death , I had come into his room as I 'd done for the 4 months he was with us , at sunrise to open the blinds as per his request . The blinds were an opaque white , already allowing the bright morning sun to light the room for normal sight . As I walked over to the window , I saw a distinctly female figure sitting next to him on the bed . I heard the words , " Please leave the blinds closed . " in a low , multilayered voice . Her lips , however , never moved . In the existing room light , her pale , thin face was skeletal on one side , and somewhat normal on the other , except for the darkness of her eyes and her sunken cheekbones . I just stood there in awe as she placed her spiderlike hand over his heart , and he opened his eyes . Upon seeing me first , he smiled and said " Good Morning , Joan . . . " Then , he calmly noticed Her , his smile broadened . She bent down to kiss him and pulled her hand down firmly on his chest . Again , he looked over to me and said , " Isn 't She beautiful . . . how can anyone be afraid of Death . " I felt tears welling up in my eyes and wanted to rush over and take his other hand , but for whatever reason , I was paralyzed where I stood . It was weird . I could actually see the life force draining out of him , coming out of his finger tips into hers . Almost immediately his heart monitor went dead and the alarm sounded . I turned for only a brief second toward the door as others were rushing in . When I turned back , she was gone . Stan , my patient , was finally at peace and all I could do was smile back at his corpse . Ever since that particular incident , the work I do here has become even more important than I had ever dreamed . I keep hoping to " catch " Her / Him again and taste a bit of the sweetness Stan did that morning . " " While my wife of 30 years lay on her death - bed after a year long battle with cancer , I knew it was only a matter of hours before she left us for good . The room was dim , except for a night - lamp and a candle by her bedside . I sat in a chair beside her , holding her thin , fragile hand in mine . For the passed week , she was unable to readily recognize me and respond to her surroundings due to the intense medication . Suddenly she struggled to sit up in bed , and for the first time in weeks , fully focused her eyes upon something at the foot of the bed . Still holding her hand , I saw it too ! An immense darkness that formed into a vaguely humanoid shape right before our eyes . At that moment , the air in the room grew cold and hard to breathe , like all the oxygen had been sucked from the room . My wife turned to me and strained to whisper , ' He 's come for me , Donny . I want to go now . . . It 's time to let go . ' I sat there crying , still holding her hand as she stared as if pleading to me . I kissed her , and when I pulled back , the figure was on the other side of the bed holding her other hand in what I could only describe as long , misty tendrils . Then , I saw something even stranger . As she was fading , a weird illuminated , bluish fog seemed to frame the dark figure and it grew brighter the more she faded away . I kept looking at her , and looking at It , there seemed to be some kind of energy exchange going on . Everytime the figure 's illumination grew brighter , her pain seemed to lessen until her hand went limp in mine and she lay there , eyes open and fixed on the darkness . The glow behind it was gone . I watched the darkness that was once form atomize into a trailing mist that just went back into the shadows of the room . My wife lay dead on the bed , staring and smiling at nothing in particular . She looked happy again - and I knew somehow that she had continued and would always be with me . Death is not to be feared , nor thought of as an unmerciful persona . It is people 's misunderstanding of Death 's role in Life that is misunderstood . UntilDonald Brousard " My first conscious memory was of a knocking in the summer of my thirteenth year . I was staying at my aunt and uncle 's house for awhile during vacation . I was lying in bed and contemplating various things when I heard a distinct knock on my door . I got up and opened the door , but no one was outside the door or in the hall . I went to my relatives room but they were asleep . I didn 't think of the knock for awhile , but a week after I returned home my uncle was diagnosed with fatal lung cancer , and subsequently died . The summer after that , I went back to that house with my mother . Again , I was lying in my bed , but in a different bedroom , contemplating , when I heard a distinct knock on the closed door . I remembered in an instant what had happened before , and I refused to open the door . I told my mother about the knocking , and my suspicions , and she all but laughed at me out loud . A week later I was travelling to the funeral of another relative . After I returned home , I thought about what had happened and I thought that maybe the knocking only happened in my aunt 's house , but I was proved wrong when I heard another knock at my door at home . A relative died shortly after . Nothing happened after that for about six months , no one died either , until I heard another knock , which really frightened me . A friend of mine 's death occurred a week later . I noticed then that the way I reacted to the person 's death was related to the way I had reacted to the " knock " itself . More recently , I had broken up with a boyfriend because he claimed I had too much supernatural and physical " crap " in my life . I met a new guy , and I also heard a knock . I was very anxious about the knock and I repeatedly questioned it . A friend of my mother 's was diagnosed with cancer . Sometime later , I heard another knock so loud that it shook the couch I was on . I was startled and fell on to the floor , but my cat stood shaking and staring at the door . Shortly thereafter , my cat became sick and was eventually diagnosed with fatal kidney tumors . His death affected me exactly as the knock had , and I was so scared that I couldn 't sleep alone anymore because of the sounds I heard . After awhile everything calmed down . The next time I heard a knock was a Sunday , I was standing next to the door . I turned and had the feeling of " seeing " something that wasn 't actually visible . I was startled by the closeness I had felt to the " knocker - er " . I was greeted at church by a man from the choir . I shook his hand and looked into his eyes when he smiled and said hello . A week later he was dead . I started attending a new college and I met a girl in my class who also heard the knocking . She also had a " guardian presence " surrounding her . My " guardian " , as he 's been called , is male , tall and thin and anemically pale , has long black hair , and favors wearing a black cloak and hood lined with red . He said he was alive once and then his name had been James . He had blondish hair but his " residual spiritual image " , as I 've Nephthys Theoda " It was my 10th birthday as I was swimming in the sea , I got really far from shore and I was getting tired . I felt myself falling in the abyss and all the sounds stopped . Suddenly , a man pulled me up and took me to the shore . When I got up , there was no one there ! I thanked the man that saved me , even though he was gone , because I felt his presence all around . I don 't know who he was , but today it 's clear to me ; Angel of Death . " " Feb . 7 2001 was the day it happened I know because it was not just a week ago . Two months prior to this date my Dear Grandfather Virgil was told he had Lung Cancer . This last month or so really hit him hard . Over the next few weeks leading up to his death I stayed a lot at his house , helping take care of him and such . In the morning I would take a walk through the 20 acres of land that we had just bought to watch the sun come up . . . I remember very well coming back from the walks and seeing a man dressed in a long black robe leave the house . I did not think much of it at the time . Still this did seem too real and troubled me . Finally after being sick and tired of what I saw thinking I was making the whole thing up I asked my grandfather who the man was . When he told me that no one came to the house either time I got chills up and down my spine . then it had occurred to me where I had seen him once before . It was in July of last year when we bought the house . That same man was standing on the edge of the land we were going to buy . A little scared and troubled I left to go back home leaving Grandpa in the care of my Aunt . I got the call two days later that Grandpa was back in the hospital . I rushed over there as fast as I could . When I got to his room , he looked fine . I took care of him for a few hours and decided he was stable enough for me to go back home and get some sleep . Walking out of the hospital with my Father next to me , I told him what had happened . He just looked at me like I was crazy . Still , something was not right . I asked him how long he gave our grandpa and he said maybe a week at most . Searching my mind , I thought about all that happened and for some reason the words " three days " popped into my head . Sure enough I marked it on the calendar , and in three days he was gone . I have gone back to the 20 acres since the funeral and never once have I seen that black clothed man around our land So that was my encounter with Death . I know it was him . . . and he is still on our land . . . but I have yet to see himThe Silverwolf " Let me begin with my most recent encounter ( September 25 , 2000 to us humans ) and work my way backwards . I 'm good friends with my next door neighbor , and our mutual friend took her own life on September 2 . The problem is that he was and is deeply in love with the departed and blamed her death on the inconsideration of yet another party in England . Follow me so far ? This past weekend , he was inconsolable . Knowing my , er , relationship with Azrael ( as much as an outsider can know , anyway ) , he came to me and asked for my / Our help . His question was simple - - did this Englishman push our friend to suicide before her time ? I met Azrael in the sanctuary I have built for that purpose . Azrael takes many forms in His presence , from the archetypal Reaper to a beautiful winged woman . On this day , Azrael appeared to me as a tall , thin , white - skinned young man . His eyes which never change - - always the color and sparkle of dark amethysts - - seemed to burn even more brightly than usual . He knew what I would ask before I spoke a word - - of course He did , He knows my thoughts . Laying His hand on my brow - - the fingers felt bony but held a strange warmth , like when the skin has gone beyond frostbite - - He told me to remember my lessons , and that there were no accidents in this universe . If my friend took her own life , then that was her appointed time to leave this flesh . Azrael left me not only with that knowledge , but with the ability to persuade my neighbor friend to this , Azrael 's truth . So I went over to my friend 's house and shared with him the essentials of my meeting with Azrael . Of course things happened and thoughts passed between us which cannot be captured in words , nor are they essential to this tale . I touched my friend 's brow in much the way Azrael had touched my own . In that moment , calm and peace flooded his being . I felt him relax under my hand and I knew he had accepted what I had told him . For the first time since the suicide , I saw him smile . I don 't know how this gels with other experiences people have had with Azrael , butRaven Corvus " I left my house at approximately 9 : 30 , and drove to the cemetery . Well , actually , I drove to the old mill that is just down the road from the cemetery , and I parked there , behind the mill where no one would see my car . Then I walked the rest of the way . The cemetery was completely dark . . . there are no security lights or street lights nearby , and the gates were closed but not locked . This was my first time in this cemetery alone at night . . . I 'd been there before with friends after dark , but never alone . I found my way to the crypt without too many problems , and once I had reached it I just stood there for several minutes , trying to calm the rapid beating of my heart . I realized now that I was terrified . . . not of the cemetery itself , but of what I was going to do . It 's not that I was afraid of a body or Him or any such nonsense . . . it was more that I seemed to sense that I was standing on the threshold of something vast , and once I had opened the crypt there would be no turning back . The night was still . . . but then suddenly a gentle breeze brushed by me , cool on my skin and scented of damp earth . I remembered everything I had read here about others smelling that same scent , and I shivered a little . Could it be Him ? Well , if it was . . . wouldn 't do to keep Him waiting , right ? I clenched my teeth , swallowed hard , and grasped the side of the crypt slab . . . lifting it and shoving it forward with all my might . Gods , I had no idea how heavy those damn things are ! It made a gritty , scraping sound as it shifted on the brick sides of the crypt , and I felt something in my shoulder creak and make a twinging sound . . . then quite suddenly the whole slab was sliding off and I was scrabbling madly to keep it from slamming into the ground on the other side and breaking into a thousand pieces . It proved impossible for me to catch it . . . it slid from my grasp and thudded to the grass , but luckily it landed intact . I breathed a sigh of relief . . . I had been so worried about the slab that I forgot to look inside and see what I had " found , " but when I finally did , my breath caught in my throat and I felt my eyes get all watery . It WAS a body , or what was left of it . My eyes had adjusted well enough to the darkness to make out a shrouded form lying in the crypt , wrapped in a light - colored cloth . There was dirt in there , too . I don 't know how or why it was there , but it had filled in the crypt about half - way up the body , leaving only the top half fully exposed . I reached out with a shaky hand and gently stroked the shroud . It was rough and a little stiff to the touch , and it made a soft , crunchy sound as I ran my fingers along it . I frowned a little . . . some of the fabric came apart as I touched it , but age will do that , I guess . I dimly realized that all my fear was gone . I reached up and gently tugged at the fabric covering the face , and it held together and pulled open easily in my hands . My excitement grew , forming a small , delightful knot in my stomach , and then , all of a sudden and with no fanfare , I pushed aside the dusty coverings and saw the skull . My heart began to pound . It was so beautiful ! I 'd never seen a real human skull before in real life , and I couldn 't believe I was seeing one now . It appeared to be a brownish color , which surprised me a little . . . all the pictures I 'd seen of skeletons show gleaming white bones , but this was more brown than white , by a long shot . Something told me that this had been a man . I don 't know how I kMy excitement was growing and growing , and soon I had the shroud free and I was able to peel it carefully away from the remains within . Mostly just his bones were there , and the crumpled remains of what might have been his clothes , the rest of him had long since rotted away . Strangely enough , a large portion of the shroud underneath him had rotted away as well . If I had known this , I probably could have simply reached under him and gently freed the shroud from behind . I didn 't mind , though , I let my eyes roam lovingly down the long length of him , peeping through the tatters of his clothing , and then I dared to stroke him gently with my hands , allowing my fingers to caress the coolness of his legs , his arms . A few times my skin would brush over bits of clinging matter . . . flesh , I suppose , dried and crackly beneath my hands . I could have stayed like that for hours , simply touching him all over , but suddenly the wind sprang up . It began whipping at my clothes , and I felt a chill steal over me as I looked around the cemetery . There was a tree not too far from where I knelt beside the crypt , its branches began to toss , and then there was a rumble of thunder overhead . Writing this now , I know how this sounds . I actually thought to myself as lightning flashed , illuminating the stones around me , that this was beginning to look like something out of a horror movie . That thought made me laugh a little to myself , but then a few small drops of rain sprinkled me , and I realized that if I wanted to do anything else , I 'd better do it now , before the storm truly arrived and all hell broke loose . I carefully crawled inside the crypt . I 'm a rather petite person , so there was plenty of room for both me and him , and I snuggled down beside him and put my arms around his body . The bones were loose feeling , and they shifted under my touch , and I can remember feeling a little surge of fear coupled with excitement at the thought that they might move on their own . The shroud made more crunchy sounds as I wriggled , getting comfortable on thFor the longest time ( it seemed to me ) , nothing happened . The storm continued to grow louder , and the wind picked up in intensity . I was shielded , for the most part , from the wind by the sides of the crypt , but I could still hear it hissing through the leaves above my head . I gently slid my hand down his body and tried to entwine my fingers with his , but apparently his decomposition made that impossible . When I lifted his arm , the fingers didn 't come with it , I gently replaced his arm without opening my eyes , and I let my hand rest on his ribcage instead . And that was when it happened . I gradually noticed that the storm seemed to be getting farther away , yet the flashes of lightning outside my closed eyelids were as bright as ever . It was more like the sound was falling away . . . or I was falling away . In fact , that 's what it felt like . . . like I was falling away , but there was no fear and no sense of vertigo or anything like that . That 's when I felt the bones move again , and this time it wasn 't me that had moved them . My heart began to pound faster . I could hear it throbbing in my ears , but it was as if I was paralyzed . I couldn 't move , although I felt so comfortable and drowsily warm that I must admit I didn 't try very hard . I had the feeling that if I wanted to escape , I could , but I certainly didn 't want to ! It felt as if the bones themselves were growing warmer , but I couldn 't feel my own body anymore . . . and then I felt a shift , and the skull gently turned and laid itself against my head it the most tender manner . I was falling , falling . . . the sounds of the storm were gone , and all I could hear was the sound of wind rushing in my ears . Something caught me . I fell away from the world , and then something caught me up and I was flying . My eyes were still tightly closed , and I had the sensation of warm , soft darkness surrounding me , but a cold wind on my face , rushing fast and nearly taking my breath away . I heard a voice , deep , but soothing , tell me , " Open your eyes and see , child . " I opened my eyes slowly , and I saw that I was enfolded in the hugest black wings imaginable . They wrapped me up like a blanket , and only my face peeked through . I was flying through darkness , the only light seeming to come from me and my mysterious flying companion . The light was pale and of a bluish , silvery cast , and cold . The wind blowing in my face was cold . We were flying at an incredible speed , and I could feel strong arms encircling my body . I was being held in someone 's arms as we flew , and I strained to turn my head to look above me and see who it was . If you 're reading this , I 'm sure you already know exactly who was carrying me , but I must admit that it came as a bit of a nasty shock to me . We 've all seen pictures of Death , in all his many forms , especially as the Reaper . . . but it is one thing to see an inanimate picture of Him . It is quite another to actually see Him . . . for real . All logic tells us that skeletons aren 't supposed to move , dammit . . . and here was a grinning skull inclining its head towards mine , looking straight through me with its empty , glowing eye sockets . I think I yelped a little , and I actually think he chuckled a little at me . It was His voice I had heard , and He spoke to me again without moving his mouth . " You called me , child , and I have come , " He said . " Why do you fear ? " I couldn 't answer at first , I was too enthralled by his eyes . I can remember thinking , over and over again . . . " Leilah was right ! She was right . . . they ARE amethyst ! " . . . but finally I swallowed hard and answered Him . " I guess . . . deep down inside , I didn 't think you 'd come , or that you were really real . " I had the strangest feeling He already knew the answer to this , but I think He wanted to hear me say it aloud . " No . . . I 'm not afraid , " I said , quite truthfully . " Just startled , I guess . " I think He chuckled again , and suddenly I felt quite at peace and comfortable . I turned back around , then snuggled deeper into the soft , sweet - smelling feathers of His wings . As we flew through the endless darkness , I closed my eyes and relaxed , feeling as if He were gently opening my mind , looking inside and probing it curiously . I was vaguely surprised at how I felt . I 've always had a sexual fascination with Death , and I won 't deny that I 've harbored thoughts of a tryst with Death , but now that I was actually here , with Him for real , my feelings weren 't like that at all . It was more like . . . a father and daughter sort of thing , I think . That feeling , more than anything , was what convinced me that this was all real , and not just the product of my imagination . It was like being a small child again , safe and warm within the arms of a father . I could sense His love and protectiveness of me , covering me and enfolding me securely , and I suddenly realized that I wanted nothing more than to stay here in his winged embrace forever , without another care in the world . I don 't know how long we flew . . . I don 't think time has much meaning when you 're with Him , but far sooner than I would have liked , I could feel His embrace getting fainter and more ethereal . I opened my eyes . . . the feathers around me were growing more indistinct , like the fading of a ghost , and I squeezed my eyes shut again . I think I started to cry . . . after such incredible peace and security , I didn 't want to go back . No no no . . . but then I felt a cold hand on my cheek , kissing my skin with His fingertips . " I don 't want to go back , " I said miserably . " No , it is time for you to go back , " He said . " But I will always be here , waiting for your return . " He was growing fainter and fainter , His voice echoing in my ears dimly . " Visit me often , " He said finally , His voice a mere whisper . " You are always welcome . " I opened my eyes again and . . . I 'll be damned . . . dawn was approaching , just like He said . I had been ( at least in body , anyway ) in the crypt all night . The storm was over , and although it was still quite dark , I could see a pale lightening in the sky to the east , and I knew it was time I got my ass home . I looked over at my silent companion , and noted with a little shiver that he had moved during the night . Instead of on his back as he had been when I first curled up beside him , he was now on his side facing me , his skull resting against my head like a father tenderly holding his child . My throat felt a little tight , and I felt like crying again . . . I knew , beyond a shadow of a doubt , that Azrael had heard my call , and come . And now , with the dawn , He was gone . I lifted my head and gently kissed the skull , then eased the bones back over to the position they had been in originally . Climbing out of the crypt was a chore , I was stiff and sore all over , but I stumbled out as gracefully as I could . I knelt down again , the dampness of the grass soaking through my jeans , and carefully covered him once more in the remains of his shroud . I also made a mental note to return later , at night , with another blanket or cloth of some sort so I could cover him again properly . Getting the slab back on was a pain in the ass . I fell in the mud once or twice , scrabbling in the dirt with my toes trying to get some purchase to lift it with . I finally managed to rock it up the side of the crypt in one piece , and once it was actually over the top edge , sliding it back into place wasn 't too terribly difficult . I checked all the way around to make sure it was even , and then , like a whisper in my mind , something told me to see about getting some brickmason 's mortar and filling in the sides . I knew that this way , at least , was not meant for me again . Somehow I knew there would be other nights like this , but not here . This crypt was closed to me now . I stood up and stretched , my bones popping , and then I started off for the gates and my car . It was then that I noticed the huge puddles everywhere . . . it had apparently poured rain that night , yet , mysteriously , my skeletal companion and I had remained perfectly dry within his crypt . It was just one more thing to confirm the reality of what had happened . . . I felt another little chill up my spine as I slid through the gates and closed them quietly behind me . I started off down the dirt path , back to the mill and my car , but something stopped me . I turned for one last look back at the marvelous gloom of the cemetery , and something was there , watching me . My heart jumped a little , it was a huge black figure , looming in the pre - dawn darkness behind the low brick wall of the graveyard . I was frozen , watching it in mute amazement , and it seemed to nod once , slowly , in my direction . . . then I saw it turn and glide into the depths of the cemetery , disappearing at last into the shadows . Azrael , coming to bid me farewell until next time ? I think so . . . hell , I know . I lifted my hand in parting , a little smile on my face . . . I don 't know if He saw , but I like to think He did . Then I turned and left , back to my car , my life , and the world of the living . . . for now . " " I came across your excellent website while performing a search on the ' Angel of Death ' and I wanted to share my own personal encounters with you in the hopes of finding camaraderie and a mutually enriching dialog . My first encounter with the Angel Of Death was in 1992 . My husband of 14 years had passed the great divide after a long battle with cancer . I had just returned home from the first day 's wake and was standing in our master bedroom , lighting a devotional candle . All of the sudden , a gentle breeze stirred through the room . The candle flickered but remained lit , and while in the cross breeze I felt a sense of calm resignation wash over me . The peace and tranquility I experienced during those seemingly endless moments erased the negative , ' grief ' based emotions which had imprisoned my soul for the past 2 days . I now know that this was Death 's way of assuring me that my husband 's soul had gone to a better place , and that he did not ' die ' in actuality . I visit my husband 's ( so called ) final resting place twice per week and never , during any of these literally hundreds of graveside sojourns , have I not felt the presence of the Angel Of Death . It has been the faint sound I hear in the stirring of the nearby trees ; it has been in the coolness in the earth beneath me ; in the squirrel who passes by with a gentle gaze or in the sweet smell of floral essence . In all of these stimuli , I feel the soft hand of Death , and I know that he is indeed with me . Some may say this is all ' in my head ' , but I know in my heart that these sensations have been ( and continue to be to this day ) valid communications between my mortal self and the eternal and loving entity known as Death . Until finding your website , however , I only had a vague knowledge of my encounters , a ' gut feeling ' if you will . I have Leilah Wendell and the staff of Westgate to thank for providing me with a sense of direction through your wonderful website . I am truly indebted to you for your printed wisdom . " " It 's great to know that I am not the only one out there that has seen him . I have seen him many times . One certain sitting I was sitting in my bed . My girlfriend was asleep beside me . It was hot all day and night but normal for Texas in July . All I could think about was that she had been really sick for about a week and I was worried about her . The room was dark , but I could still see everything in the room , and out of a corner this dark figure seemed to be floating in thin air . Like I said I have seen this many times but I was worried . about his presence because of my girlfriend 's condition . I yelled out " go away " But then a whisper said to me , " I am not here to hurt you nor to hurt her but she has to come with me . " And then my girlfriend woke up and asked , " What 's wrong ? " I said , " nothing , just go back to sleep " . After she went to bed I tried to go to sleep but with the figure in the corner it was hard but I eventually did . I woke up the next day and looked at her . She was breathless . She died 2002 July 15 and I was wondering if anyone would talk to me about it . The purpose of The Azrael Project is to put forth the word of the Angel of Death and thereby conquer fear through understanding . o make people aware of the essential nature of Death , and to help humankind see their universe through His eyes in order to gain a macrocosmic understanding of both , Life and Death . o view the world from neither side of eternity , but rather from the threshold between the dimensions of space and time . o reconcile Life with Death , rekindle precarnate memory , and replace fear with love . |
Today is Tuesday but it 's the first official day of the week after our long weekend . Our week started off rough this morning , as Cody stole Mike 's iPad out of our room which resulted in us confiscating not only the iPad but also one of his stuffed animals . Of course this had a further ripple effect because he threw tantrums and wailed about how we had hurt his feelings and hurt his heart . We are going through a time of trying to teach him that when he takes things of ours without permission there will be consequences that are quite unpleasant for him . So far , all he does is blame us for his consequences , but my hope is that soon he will think before he takes things and eventually he will choose to respect our things and our rules . It seems to be a very long road . We had a rough day yesterday , he and I . We have had a lot of rough days in the last several weeks and I find myself weary of the battles and feeling like I am totally failing at this parenting thing . Sometimes I wish I could have the super nanny here to see what she would say about my kids . And me , I guess , though I wonder whether I could handle her feedback on my mistakes and failures . One bright spot in my life is that we finally got our fridge lock installed . It is not high tech , and it is actually quite easy to use . My sister gave it to us , knowing how much trouble we have with kids stealing food out of the fridge and cupboards all the time . I was very anxious to put it on , but it requires 24 hours for the adhesive to dry . Ha ! I don 't have 24 hours where the fridge will be untouched by kids . But we were out most of Sunday , so we put it on Saturday night after the kids went to bed and by the time we got back on Sunday evening it was all set . In reality , Cody and Jamie know how to use it , so technically it will only help us with Micah , but that really is a big help . Now that we threw out our chocolate syrup for making chocolate milk , we don 't really have issues with Jamie invading the fridge like he used to . That is one small thing that makes my day significantly easier . Now why the heck didn 't we do this when Jamie was little ? ? Another bright spot for the week is that Mike and I are actually going on a date tonight , though I am finding it hard to believe it will actually happen . All we are doing is going for supper and coming straight home , but at least we get to leave the house together without the kids . That never happens . Ever . So now I have a lot of cleaning to do in preparation , as I don 't want the house to be a disaster for Mike 's parents when they come to stay with the boys . Hopefully I will be able to get it decent in here . The kitchen is basically done , but we still have a whole day to make it through so it will get messy again before the day is done . Guess I better get going now , seeing all three boys are actually playing nicely at the moment . If that doesn 't last , I 'll send them out into the swamp to play for a while . Haha . Yes , our yard is a swamp again after a lot of rain on the weekend . It 's really cold out too . Only 4 degrees right now . Sheesh . Some summer we 're having so far ! It 's Friday night . I 'm home " alone " , which means with all three boys , and all the critters of course . Cody and Jamie settled a long time ago , but Micah has been crying for almost an hour now . Recently he has stopped his horrible night time meltdowns , but I guess he decided that seeing I am here by myself this would be a good time for him to lose it . I 'm a little stressed as a result . I am waiting to watch a girl movie , but don 't really want to start it until he is finished . He 's quiet at the moment , but I don 't think he 's done yet . I 'm telling you , this kid has endurance like I 've never experienced . Mike is at a work party celebrating his new position . I was supposed to be there , but we did not have anyone to look after the boys , so here I am . In truth , I could probably go to bed now and sleep all night , but I can 't do it while Micah is still fussing , so I will attempt a girl movie and see how it goes . Outside it is peaceful and green . It is supposed to rain tonight . I ran out about an hour ago to give the horses their evening pellets / grain and of course it began to rain when I went out . It was a soft rain , and oddly , I found it very comforting . Everything smelled so fresh and as I said , the leaves are getting beautiful and green . Rain is the last thing we need , as we are still flooded significantly in our basement , but the few drops that landed on me were not at all unwelcome . Well , I 'm still holding my breath a bit , but I think maybe Micah is done for good now . Phew . It is so draining listening to him cry for that long . Perhaps it is time to start my movie now . I hope everyone has a good long weekend . Ours will be busy , and it looks like it will also be a soggy one . I am praying it will not rain as much as they are saying . Goodnight . In our society , women have fought hard to become the equals of men , and even to be better than them . There is not a job out there that a man can do that a woman cannot . Women are frequently as driven in their careers now as men are , and the ones who are can hold their own in the corporate world . A funny thing happens when a woman becomes a mother . In fact , even when a woman becomes pregnant , things immediately begin to change . Maybe you 've heard of pregnancy brain , a term commonly used to explain bouts of forgetfulness or excessive " blonde moments " often experienced during pregnancy . Then , once the baby is there , a woman 's focus has to shift entirely onto that child for several months at the very least . In early motherhood , a woman is practically reduced to a robot , wearily changing diapers , feeding the baby and trying to keep up with laundry while keeping the baby happy and trying not to collapse from sleep deprivation . Here in Canada , we women are blessed to be allowed a full year of maternity and parental benefits before we have to go back to work , if our finances allow . During that first year after Cody was born , I remember trying to play mental games on my computer to keep my mind sharp as I felt my intelligence draining away . I did go back to work for eight months before I went off again to have Jamie , and I have not been back since , so that 's three straight years now of being a stay - at - home mom . The other day I read something online that made me acutely aware of my own level of intelligence . What I mean is , it made me feel dumb . I thought to myself , " I used to have something intelligent to say . " Now , I often don 't . A challenging conversation in my day consists of a fifteen to twenty minute negotiating session with a three year old who needs to use the " potty " but refuses to . That 's right , I can negotiate . I can also threaten . I can repeat everything I say a minimum of three times , with no maximum , and I can also employ tickle talk if the moment is right . But nowhere in there is there Posted by Here we are half way through a week and I have not posted in here at all . Things are very similar around here to the way they have been lately . I still have my cough , though it is much improved so I am thankful for that . Our basement still has a lot of water in it , and despite a combination of five pumps running both inside and outside of the house , we cannot seem to get the water out so we can clean up the basement . It is unclear how long we will be in this particular situation , but I 'm guessing at least another week . Today is a school day , so Cody is not here . That 's probably really good for me , as he has been having some extremely rebellious times at home and things have been difficult here as a result . He was especially bad yesterday morning , but thankfully he did improve in the afternoon . I 'm not sure what the root of the problem is , though I suspect a combination of things . So I have Jamie and Micah , and so far they have both been quite good , for the most part . I think Jamie is heading back outside again , so that is good for him and for me . I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on around here because I have not been doing much since I got sick . I usually manage one load of dishes through the dishwasher a day , which is not enough , and sometimes laundry , but not every day . We are not using cloth diapers right now , which has significantly cut back on my laundry duties . Our water smells like sulphur , and I have been concerned about wrecking the diapers by washing them in water that is stinky , so I have decided to wait until the water situation improves . I 'm feeling a bit guilty about throwing all these diapers in the landfill , but I have to remind myself that it is a tiny number compared to what I would be doing if I were not using cloth at all . I do look forward to getting back into it , but again , I 'm not sure how long it will take . Our big news is that Mike got a job . He was already working as a teacher , but his position was a one year term , which he took after leaving a more long - term but less stable position elsewhere . Anyway , this week he secured a permanent position and it is closer to home plus it is a principal position so it is a major step up . This has taken quite a load off our minds , as we were wondering what was going to happen to us this fall . Yay ! And the other thing on my mind lately ? Well , this is just really silly , but I really badly want a pool . I don 't mean a kiddie wading pool . I want a pool . I have wanted one my whole life , and I have never had one . I recognize that I will likely never have an in ground pool , as they are just too darn expensive , plus I think maybe here that would be a problem as the water table is so high under the ground that we 'd probably have to build the ground up really high to get the bottom of a pool above the water . But there has to be a way of getting some kind of above ground pool that is big enough for me to actually swim in but that won 't break the bank . Haha . I 'm mostly dreaming , but this really has been a lifelong dream of mine , and I really want a pool . I 'm telling you , if I were rich , that is one of the things I would have for sure , and it would have landscaping . It would have a waterfall , and lights around it and also under the water . I love swimming , but I hate being in a bathing suit in public , so that 's why the idea of having my own private pool is so appealing to me . I would probably use it almost every single day in the summer . Okay , the pool above and the pool below are the same pool from a different angle . It is called a disappearing edge pool , so from the right angle , it looks like the water just drops into nothing . That 's why there 's that extra little bit of water at the bottom . These are popular if you live at the top of a cliff or high hill as it looks like it drops away into nothing . I should see if I can find a better picture of one in the daylight . Here 's a great example of a pool with a disappearing edge . I really like this one . It is so pretty and a little simpler than some of the others . Doesn 't it look therapeutic ? I have always loved to dream about pools and about the kind of pool I would someday have . I will very likely never have a pool like any of these , or maybe even a pool at all . It is hard to say at this point . I hope I will have something some day , but meanwhile , I can dream . I better sign off for now before I get too caught up in my pool ideas ! Bye for now . October 5 , 2011 : I am editing this post because it has been brought to my attention that I used these photographs without permission . I did so out of sheer ignorance , not even realizing these ( or several of them ) came from a design website . I just pulled them off of Google images , and had no idea where they had come from . I have now learned who they belong to , and he has asked me to please credit him for the photos as well as put a link on to his website . His name is Chris Capriano , and the website is www . plantnj . com . If you are interested in any of his other designs , or even his blog , please visit his link . To Chris , I apologize for having used your photographs without permission . It was my error , and was done unintentionally . ( I 'm a bit naive about things like that . ) Thank you for graciously allowing me to keep your photographs on my blog post . Your designs truly are beautiful , and though I am not in a position to get a pool myself at this time , I do enjoy dreaming about it and photos like yours are truly inspiring ! I missed yesterday , seeing this site was down all day , but it has been quite a week around here . I am still very sick with a bad cough which is making my voice extremely weak and of course , yodely . My favourite . It makes things difficult when trying to get the attention of three wild little boys who are already naturally louder than I am . In addition to that , Cody seemed to get into a very rebellious state this week and decided to challenge me on everything . The word " challenge " is a bit of an understatement . Maybe it would be better to describe it as waging war . Today was the worst day as far as his attitude and actions go , though Wednesday was also brutally bad . Bad attitude days can be survivable , or they can break the stay - at - home mom . I find that it depends on the day for me . This week I was not functioning , due to being so sick myself , so Wednesday I pretty much lost it all day . Today was better in a way . I was still upset and discouraged by the way things were going , but I tried to maintain my calm as much as possible . Things would have been less stressful if we hadn 't needed to leave the house . As it turns out , Cody contracted pink eye at school this week . I knew it was going around , and sure enough , he got it yesterday , though I was not aware until the end of the day . Anyway , I was advised by the public health nurse that I should take him to the doctor . Let me tell you , this did not thrill me , and here is why . First , going to the doctor with all three of the boys was sure to be a " challenge " , and again , that is an understatement . Second , I was not up for said challenge , being that I am feeling weak and sick . Third , I strongly suspected it would be a wasted trip seeing it was very likely to be viral and in that case , they would just tell us to let it run its course . So after a badly failed attempt at a badly needed nap , I got up and dragged all three of my boys to the van and off to a nearby town to see a doctor . The waiting room was interesting . Thankfully , it was not very full . I was like a mother duck whose ducklings were all over the place . They followed me , but in very loose formation and they strayed a lot . When we were sitting waiting , Micah climbed onto a chair and came within less than an inch of pulling the fire alarm . Did I mention this clinic is in a hospital ? Do you have any idea how much trouble I would be in if my kid pulled the fire alarm in a hospital ? In the actual doctor 's office , I had to feed them a constant stream of soda crackers , which they devoured like army ants on a carcass , littering crumbs everywhere in his very nice office . They fought over the crackers and Micah continually tried to escape out the door . It was embarrassing to say the least . In the end , the doctor declared Cody to have a viral case of pink eye . Big shock . So there is nothing I can do and there is a good chance all of our kids will get it . In addition to that , I had him check me while I was there , seeing I am sick . I knew it would be for nothing , but I figured I would regret it if I did not . He offered me antibiotics , saying that in my case there was a chance it was bacterial but he could not tell for sure . I declined . I am not going to take antibiotics if it is unnecessary . So , my long , stressful outing was completely useless in the end . I guess in a sense it was not , because at least now I have something to tell the school next week , if he is not better by then . All in all , a nasty way to end the week . And of course , we still have over an inch of water in the basement . I know it 's not much , but it is a constant presence that hangs over our heads . It could cause mould . It has ruined the bottom of all our drywall , which Mike just completed , and it has likely ruined some of our belongings , though we will have to assess that better when the time comes . At the very least , I am glad it is Friday and Mike is home with us . Hopefully we will have some positive experiences this weekend to counter the week . I 'm signing off for now . I took the boys outside this morning to take some pictures . Cody has his class mascot home , a huge stuffed beaver , and he is supposed to have the beaver 's picture taken doing various activities . So we headed out in our rubber boots , all three boys and myself , and we took some pictures . First on the trampoline , which is in the front yard . Before we were close to done there , I saw that Micah had headed straight for trouble and was already wet from standing in a deep puddle . He has rubber boots , but they are not tall because he is so small . He ended up with his pants very wet . I don 't have the pictures of the beaver , as I had to use the class camera to take them , but here are a couple I took last night with our camera . Above , he is posing on the one ( formerly ) dry spot on the basement floor . You can see how the water was advancing there . Here he is invading our fridge . See how big he is ? So that 's the beaver . His name is Barkley , though I am not sure how they spell it . He actually normally wears a red t - shirt but we misplaced it last night so he was naked in these shots ! Hehe . I think he looks much cuter that way , seeing it makes him look more real , but we put the shirt on for his school shots . Now here are a few pictures of our yard this morning . Let me preface this by saying that we live on very sandy soil . We rarely get puddles at all , and when we do , they disappear often in less than a day . I have never seen this much water in our yard , and the year we built it was a very wet summer with a high water table . It did not compare to this . Of course , Jamie played hockey in the water . That is pretty much his number one passion . Hockey . Any time , any place . He was using a hockey stick and a golf ball . Cody and Micah are in this one . Not sure if you can tell how deep that water is , but this picture shows how swampy our yard is . It might not look like much but all of those puddles were ankle deep on me . Here they are , my three musketeers . Can you see how far up Jamie 's boot the water goes ? Notice how wet Micah 's pant legs are here too . He has been through three outfits today so far , though only one from the puddles . The second one involved a lot of yogurt . He is working on the third one now . We 'll see what he comes up with . The battle rages on in the basement . I suppose I may have made it sound worse than it is . I should clarify that what is in our basement is not deep . It is , however , enough to cover the whole floor , which is just under 1500 square feet . I don 't know how deep it is today . Yesterday I 'd say it was getting close to an inch deep in places , but we pumped a lot out last night and it did improve . However , it has not been pumped since and I can see looking down the stairs that it is significantly worse than it was even before we pumped it yesterday . Our sump pumps are still running , but the one we bought to get rid of the standing water in the basement is not in use right now . I 'd love to vacuum it all out , but it would be impossible unless we were running several vacuums at the same time . Right now they are saying that there is no more rain in the forecast for the next week , but they change it so frequently it is hard to put any stock in that . I hope they are right . It is nearly lunch time , so I will make something for the boys to eat and then get Micah down for a nap . I told Cody we 'd bake cookies today so we could take pictures of Barkley baking with us , but I 'm really not feeling well still so I 'm not sure whether I 'm up for it . We already have enough pictures of him , and I really need to have a rest this afternoon . I guess I 'll see how I 'm doing . Mike is not going to get home tonight until the boys are in bed , I think , or very close to it , so it is going to be a long day for me . I 'm not sleeping that well , dreaming about flood water all night every night . I hope this situation improves soon . My heart goes out to everyone who is in far worse situations than I am . Those who have been evacuated , or had their basements or even their whole homes destroyed by this flood . And of course the people in Japan and the ones in the U . S . where those terrible tornadoes hit . ( Hm . I had a tornado dream last night too . ) Those are my reminders to be thankful for how good things really are here . I must sign off and prepare some kind of vCAT As expected , our basement filled with water overnight . It is not deep , but the floor is covered . We had to move our cats ' litter box upstairs as they would have had to wade through the water to get to it and I doubt that would have happened . Mike is going to town tonight to try to get more supplies to see if we can get all fixed up or not . I hope we can do something . A lot of his drywall that he just put up is ruined . Our spare bedroom , which currently holds our computer and all of our stuff that needed storing , now has the floor covered too . Ironically , the driest room in the basement is the storage room , where the drain is . Obviously something was not done right when the basement floor was done . And of course , it rained all night last night . It was raining this morning too , though I think for the moment it has stopped . Now it is just gloomy and wet , and windy to boot . There is a lot more rain in our forecast and I don 't know how we 're going to handle it . Cody is at school today , so it 's pretty quiet in here right now . Micah is asleep and Jamie is on the couch , zoned out . He is watching a show , but he was zoned out before that . I suspect he needs a nap , but I 'd like to avoid that if possible . It looks like I will be on my own this evening for supper and probably bath time as well , as Mike will be going to town for supplies . That will be interesting in itself , as the city is in dire straits from the flooding . Our water smells like sulphur coming out of the tap , and I just did the boys ' laundry in it . I had to bleach it to get the smell out . I have to wonder whether it 's okay to be doing our dishes in it . We are certainly not drinking it , and I am not allowing anyone to brush their teeth with tap water . I 'm thinking I might even have to switch to disposable diapers until we get this situation under control , as the water might cause stink issues . Ick . I guess we 'll have to see what kind of solution Mike can come up with tonight . Here 's hoping he gets something working . It does appear that the water in the basement is not getting any deeper now , so I 'm not sure what to make of that . I 'm hoping that means it is even with the water table and won 't get any higher . If that is the case , things won 't get too severe . I mean , stuff is already wrecked , but maybe we 'll be spared from any more damage . Anyway , there is not much else to report today . I 'm off to have a snack and maybe do some other writing before I have to pick Cody up from school . Bye for now . I have been somewhat absent from this blog recently , and that is largely due to very busy days and sickness to boot . Yes , I am sick and have finally caught what my boys have had for close to seven weeks now . I can 't seem to stop coughing and as a result my throat is very tender and sore . I am also exhausted , presumably from fighting it off . Here is a brief recap of what happened since my last post . I did go to the pirates and princesses party at Cody 's school . I put Micah and Jamie in little pirate bandanas and drew beards and goatees on them . I wish I had taken a picture because I had not done that to Micah before and he was truly adorable . We survived the party , though it was tiring , and Cody 's whole face lit up when he saw us because he didn 't think we would come . That made it all worthwhile . Thursday my sister Andrea came and we did a bunch of horse stuff . I was with Sasha for well over an hour , though I don 't remember fully how long . It went well despite some very distracting boys . Friday morning first thing I found out I was on lunch supervision duty in Cody 's class . The teachers in his school division have it in their contract that they have to be on break during lunch so they get us moms to volunteer for lunch supervision duty . Or at least that 's what they 're doing in the kindergarten class . Well , of course I freaked out because that 's what I do . But I went and took my boys because I had no one to leave them with . Yikes . It was difficult . I supervised about fifteen five year olds ( a couple were likely four and at least one was six ) while they ate their lunches , and that had its challenges . I did have to break up more than one round of rough play between two boys , including an incident where one was pulling the other by a long rope - like scarf which was around the second boy 's neck . I have worked at a day care before , though it has been many moons since those days , but the most challenging part of my day was having Micah along . Seriously , the first thing he did while I was running off my feet helping kids with their lunches was to pull a large jar of small beads off the shelf and then open it and dump the whole thing on the floor . That 's pretty much the way the entire thing went . He went in all the kids ' lockers , grabbed their stuff out , took a dry erase marker , grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer , which is very scary stuff for kids . Anyway , I was there less than an hour and I was completely wiped out afterwards . Saturday we ended up at Mike 's parents ' place for a somewhat spontaneous family gathering . It was a really good day , albeit long , and the weather was perfect . His whole family including the kids comes to a total of 38 people . Yeah . It 's big . The kids were outside nearly the whole time , and I was outside quite a bit too , on the deck . All in all , it was relaxing and very enjoyable . It is rare for the whole family to be together like that , particularly unplanned . Sunday . Ah , Sunday . Mother 's day . I was not feeling well that day with this blasted cough so I rested a lot . Mike played Mr . Mom , which gave me a major break from parenting and even household duties . I was very grateful . He really did a lot of cleaning . Cody gave me a card and a frame with a picture of him that he made at Kindergarten . He was really sweet about it . And that brings me to today . My cough is worse now , so I 'm feeling quite gross . I took Jamie for preschool screening today and left the other two with my sister - in - law , thankfully . Jamie did well , which was nice . We were not sure what to expect , seeing he is so different than Cody . He does not think like most kids . Anyway , it went very well and he was given some great books including a Dr . Seuss one that we did not previously own , along with a ball and some play - doh . I must skip back for one moment to mention that yesterday evening at around 6 : 30 p . m . , we were hit with a torrential downpour that lasted quite a while . After that it rained all night and drizzled some today . Our basement officially flooded in the middle of the night . Our two sump pumps are running full time and cannot keep up . We are trying to vacuum the excess water with the shop vac , but we can 't keep up there either . It is coming in quite quickly , and I don 't know what will happen overnight if we don 't get up every hour to vacuum it . Mike is with two of his brothers right now trying to rig a system with a third pump outside to pull the water away from the house where it is coming in . ( That spot is at the opposite end from where our sump pumps are running , so they appear to be doing their job quite well . ) Anyway , the flooding is quite stressful , and Mike and I both have worked our butts off all day between me with the boys and fighting the basement waters , and Mike working all day and then coming home and working ever since . It is 9 : 17 p . m . now and they are not done . I don 't know how much longer they will work . Their plan does not seem to be working . Hm . I see they have the tractor out now . The fork lift is right in front of the living room window . I can 't imagine what they are planning to do with that . Three heads are better than one though , so I 'm really glad Mike has the help . I 'm signing off now . It is 10 : 45 p . m . Mike 's brothers just left and they were not successful , so we will continue to fill with water . I will report back when I can . Goodnight . It was a very eventful night last night . I find myself wondering whether I will ever have normal sleep patterns again . At 1 : 55 a . m . I woke up because Micah was crying in the monitor , calling me . I thought I 'd use the bathroom before checking on him , so I did , but then he was quiet again . I decided to leave him alone , but I heard something else . An odd noise that sounded like it was coming from the kitchen . I knew it couldn 't be the dog . He is pretty quiet at night , and somehow the sound was not something he could have done . I knew there was a kid up , but I didn 't know who and I didn 't know why . I stumbled down the brightly lit hall , eyes squinting , hair all over the place , and what I found rendered me utterly speechless . Jamie was there , wide awake , making slapshots with a real hockey stick in the living room and the kitchen . I could NOT believe it . What the heck was he doing ? It was 2 a . m . I had a hard time not freaking out . I informed him that it was the middle of the night and he had to go back to bed . I removed the hockey stick from his hands with disastrous consequences . He had a massive meltdown , and it was loud . I was already feeling extremely irritated , and now I was mad and stressed . Micah had already settled and I did not want him waking again . Meanwhile , Radar , the dog , was going nuts in the kitchen . I assumed it was because Jamie was making such a big ruckus with his hockey playing , so I yelled at him ( the dog ) and carried Jamie kicking and hollering back to his bed . I even had to cover his mouth in his room for a moment because he was shouting and crying so loudly . That , of course , made him cry harder . Honestly , it was so ridiculous . I finally got him to agree to stay in bed and then Cody woke up and requested water . Then they both wanted water . Fine . I went back to the kitchen to get their water . There was dog poop on the floor . Radar does NOT have accidents in the house . Ever . I wondered if it had to do with our miscommunication earlier when we both fed him his nightly ration of food . I fed him oncPosted by I am hoping for a quiet afternoon as I settle into my chair for some rest . Micah is in bed , hopefully sleeping , and the other two just finally went outside . It is a beautiful day out there , and I am going to head out soon myself to give the horses their pellets . Despite my relatively clean living room , which I accomplished this morning , and the sound of the dishwasher running in the background , today has been somewhat disastrous so far . I guess that is an exaggeration . It 's just that Cody woke up on the wrong side of the bed and has needed a ton of disciplining all morning . His attitude is really bad today , and I 'm not sure why . On top of that , Micah seems to have a fever , and he feels hotter than he did the last time he had a mild one . He is still coughing , and I just don 't know what to do . Maybe it seems like a no - brainer . Take him to the doctor , right ? Well , I have a few issues with that . First , taking him to the doctor is a complex ordeal as I have to take all three of them along , which turns into a very crazy and difficult experience . Second , every time I take the boys to the doctor , even when they are much sicker than this , I am told that it 's viral and it has to just run its course . I do not want to go to the hassle of going all that way with all of them to find out there 's nothing I can do . I am positive that is what I would be told . My third dilemma , and perhaps the most pressing one , is that I lost my driver 's license . No , I did not do anything illegal . I mean it is lost . Missing . It has disappeared . This is a source of great frustration and mystery to me , as I always keep it in the same place in my wallet , and I never remove it . Ever . There are only two possible explanations for this situation . One is that one of my boys removed it . This is very possible , as Micah goes after my purse every single time I leave it in reach , which is not often , but it does happen . Many times he has gone through Mike 's wallet . I am sure he has been through mine too , though mine has a snap which helps , and usually when he gets my purse he goes for my cell phone , not my wallet . But he still could have done it . Jamie and Cody both used to do the same thing . Cody is too old for that now , and I honestly can 't remember whether Jamie still does it or not . The second possible explanation is that when I received my new license with my absolutely lovely photo that is good for five years ( oh wait , it was hideous ) , I never put it in my wallet . I do remember receiving it , as it was quite horrifying . So did I not put it in my wallet ? I can 't imagine why I wouldn 't have . But the more I think about it , the more I doubt myself and think this is somehow my fault . It is doing nothing to bolster my opinion of myself , which is not overly high these days . . . or ever , I suppose . I guess the worst part about this license thing is that I discovered it on my way to go vote last night . We had to turn around and come home and turn the house upside down , to no avail , and then we had to just go ahead and feed the boys their supper , as it was getting late . I never found it , and I couldn 't go back alone , so I did not vote last night . I felt horrible about that , and it brought back a memory of a friend of mine in university who reamed me out brutally when I did not vote one time . I can tell you that I am not very politically inclined . I never have been . Now I have Mike , who loves politics , to kind of explain things to me , because I just hate politics and I guess I don 't pay enough attention because of that . But back then , I did not have Mike . In addition to that , I did not have a television , so I was not aware of any of the candidates . And , ( this will date me a bit ) , there was no internet available to find information that way . ( The internet did exist , it just was not common for every household , or even for many . ) Let 's take that a step further and mention that I also had no vehicle to get to the voting station . So , even though at the time I felt guilty , I didn 't want to go to the polls and just guess , so I chose to opt out . Some people find this very offensive , as voting is an important privilege in our country . I agree . We are very blessed here to have that option , and I have not missed an election for a very long time . But yesterday I did , and I thought of my friend ( who is still preaching about voting on her Facebook page ) , and I felt like a loser . It was horrible . I think I can get my license re - issued , but it costs money , and I also have to get there , which means driving . Ironic , isn 't it ? It 's not a big deal . It 's just one of those stupid things that should not have happened . On occasion , I do misplace things , but not things like this . I guess I 'm only human , but sometimes I feel the pressure to be super - human around here . The boys are playing soccer in a giant puddle of mud on the driveway . They wanted to play soccer outside , but how typical that they would choose to do it in the water instead of on the grass ! Our snow has mostly melted , so that is good . What hasn 't melted yet will definitely be gone by the end of today . It is a very nice day out . So far we are still not flooded downstairs and things seem to have improved very slightly , so that is good . Anyway , there is not much else to report for now . I should try to clean the kitchen a little better , I guess . First I will feed the horses . The boys just came in . Jamie is drenched . I 'm off for now . Our blizzard warning for the weekend did not disappoint . It started pouring rain on Friday evening which lasted all night . Not good , as our basement was in imminent danger of flooding . I expected to wake up to snow , so I thought we might be out of the woods . The rain did not stop , however , and by mid - morning it was snowing . It snowed all day and all night . Our horses were a sight to be seen . They were covered in ice and they were so grouchy . I felt so sorry for them . Here 's a shot of Sasha through the window . You can see she looks like she has a white mane . That 's all ice . They fought violently over their food because they were so miserable . It was really pathetic , but kind of funny too . Today , Sasha looks really nice and clean after being showered for twelve hours and then covered in ice . Hehe . They are all much happier today . Our highways were closed for a long time due to the blizzard , and we got a lot of snow here . It looks like winter once again , even though last week we were at 20 degrees . ( That 's 68 degrees fahrenheit , for you Americans . ) Now it is below zero once again and there is ice and crusty snow everywhere . It is supposed to get warm , ( well , warm - ish ) today , so it will be doing a lot of melting . We are holding our breath to see whether all our pumps in the basement will be able to prevent us from flooding . We had power flickers all weekend , but we were extremely blessed in that the longest the power was out was about three seconds . Any more than a minute and we would have flooded for sure , as our pump was running every 15 seconds to keep up with all the water . Down the road , the ditches are near overflowing once again . The roads are full of deep ruts too from all the precipitation combined with melting temperatures yesterday afternoon , so I am concerned that I may not be able to get Cody from school later . Wouldn 't that be something ? What would I do if I couldn 't get out of here ? Mike got stuck with the van yesterday when he tried to leave . I made it out this morning to take Cody to school , but the ground was frozen then . Later it will be wet and mushy , so I might be in trouble . It should be interesting . Remember , we had no snow left before the weekend . Doesn 't look like April 30th to me . This was taken on May 1st . Can you tell how much snow we got ? That was in one day . Here you can see the boys ' bikes buried and the large ride - on tractor too . I just took this to show how much snow was sitting on the railing . It turns out it is a lot deeper than that on the ground . What a crazy storm ! Other than the weather , our weekend was fairly uneventful . Well , not completely , I guess . Micah did dump an entire bottle of syrup on the floor on Saturday . I was just thrilled . He was covered in it too and had to be showered . Now I have Micah and Jamie , who are fighting . Micah is throwing a tantrum on the floor right now because I confiscated a drinking glass from him . Looks like it will be another typical day on the home front . I did manage to write two more pages on my book on the weekend , which doesn 't sound like much but it 's more than I 've done in over a month , so I was thankful for that . I might try some more this afternoon if these crazy boys will cooperate . Right now they are playing with a Pringles chip tin . They are alternately using it as a drum and then pretending to drink out of it . ( It 's empty . ) At least they 're not fighting for the moment . I am being offered a turn on the prestigious drum , so I must sign off . Bye for now . What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small . |
Well , I did it . I didn 't always do it well . But I did it . I managed to blog a whole year of our lives . There were days when I really enjoyed it , and days when I was really mad at myself for setting that goal . There were days when I wanted to share , and there were days when I did not want to share . But through it all , I am glad that I did it , and hopefully in some small way ( those of you who stuck with me through it all ) I hope you were encouraged by our ups and downs . If so , it was worth it . And we have a whole year 's worth of memories forever in print . Thank you to those of you who took the journey with us . I hope to blog a lot in the new year , but I don 't think that I will try to blog every day . Maybe not even every week . But I will try to blog the blog - worthy stuff . The last week or so , with 2016 ending , and the coming of a new year , I spent a lot of time thinking and praying . Last year , I chose the word glorify as my word of the year . I wanted to spend every day with the word glorify in my heart and mind . I wanted my life and the life of our family to glorify the Lord in some way , big or small , each and every day . There were days that I feel I / we did well . There were days that I feel I / we failed miserably . But I do hope that by keeping that word in my heart that it helped me do a better job of glorifying Him than ever before . I want to continue to claim that word as one of my words for 2017 , because I fully believe that our primary purpose is to glorify God . So , I can not walk into a new year and leave it behind . This year , I will strive to glorify Him even more than last year . With all of that said , I have been thinking and praying for a new word for 2017 . But every time I thought that I had settled on a word , something would happen , that would make me not so sure . There was not one word that I could choose . Yesterday morning , as I was getting ready for church , I was thinking about the uncertainties of a coming year . How that life can change in the blink of an eye and how every new year brings both good and bad . Happy and sad . Easy and hard . Life and death . Beginnings and endings . Then we went to church , and My Prince preached about The Difference that Makes all the Difference . He used the parable of the wise man and the foolish man . There were two houses . There were two builders . There were two foundations . There were two different outcomes . The rain fell on both houses . Just like God had brought to my mind earlier that the rain falls on " the just and the unjust . " We all face good and bad . So , what is the Difference that Makes all the Difference ? Obedience . Obedience to God and His Word . Obedience is the foundation that we can build a strong life / home on . Obedience - " And the rain descended and the floods came , and the winds blew and beat upon the house : and it fell not : for it was founded upon a rock . " Matthew 7 : 25 ( emphases mine ) That rock , it 's the solid rock of God 's Word . Obey it , and when the rains fall , and the floods come , and the winds blow - WHEN - not IF , your house will stand firm . The opposite is also true . " And every one that hearth these sayings of mine , and doeth them not , shall be likened unto a foolish man , which built his house upon the sand : And when the rain descended , and the floods came , and the winds blew , and beat upon that house ; and it fell : and great was the fall of it . " - Matthew 7 : 26 - 27 If we do not obey God 's word , when the rains fall , and the floods come , and the winds blow - WHEN - not IF , your house will fall , and not just fall , but " great will be the fall of it . " So , thinking about all of that , I don 't want my house to fall . I want my house to stand firm . I want to obey God 's Word . And although I have been a student of God 's Word my whole life , I feel as though I have not even scratched the surface of everything it holds . And how can I obey what I don 't know . There is still so much of God 's Word that I need to learn , so that I can obey it . How blessed we are that we have God 's Word to study . How blessed we are that we don 't have to " guess " what God wants . He tells us straight up . It is our responsibility to learn and obey . I got a new CD from my niece for Christmas . There is a song on that CD that really speaks to my heart . I have listened to it over and over again in the last few days . The message of the song is that sometimes we get worried or anxious , but God has got it all taken care of . Often we want to take matters into our own hands , and try to make things work out , but God just wants us to trust Him and be still . Be still . BE . STILL . That phrase simultaneously strikes fear - and brings peace to my heart . It calls to me . It calls me to let God be God in ALL areas of my life , not just the comfortable parts . So , I share all of that to say that I did not pick just one word for 2017 . I have picked several words , and I will use the acronym LOB to keep them fresh in my mind over the year . I know . It 's not cute or necessarily " catchy " but it is what God has put on my heart , so I am going with it . O - Obey - Obey what I learn from God 's Word . One of my favorite authors uses the phrase " imperfect progress " . I know that this is what this will be . There will be no perfection here . So if you are looking for perfection , don 't look in my direction . Progress is my goal . To learn and obey as much as I can . And sometimes , our best lessons are learned through mistakes . I am sure I will make mistakes , but when I do , my prayer is that I learn from them . Progress is the goal . To obey God more this year than ever before . B - Be Still - I really feel like God is telling me to do what I know he wants me to do , and then just Be Still and let Him be God . To trust Him . To rest in Him . To know that He has it all under control and does not need my help at all . Psalm 46 : 10 . I want to Be Still and watch God work it all out in His way and in His time . I woke up and watched my First 5 video and did my Bible reading . I checked in on the eagles and saw that one of the eggs had hatched overnight . I knew that the Youngest Princess would be thrilled to wake up and find that one of them had hatched . Pretty soon I heard the pitter patter of little feet flying down the stairs . It was the Youngest Princess . She had come down to tell me that one of the babies had hatched . We talked about it for a minute , and then she was back upstairs . I got some cleaning and laundry done , while the girls played . They wanted to play outside so badly , but it was cold and drizzling , so they didn 't get to play out much . It was pretty much an inside sort of day . My Prince ran the roads getting some things we needed and getting ready for Sunday morning . Then he did a little studying and watched a little football with the Young Prince . We stopped and got some pizzas for the kids , and then we went to our friends ' house . We ate some great pork loin , and fixings to go with it . We enjoyed some good fellowship . We played cards , and we laughed the New Year in . After midnight , we headed home . We got home and My Prince still had a little studying to do , so the Youngest Princess snuggled with me . She was not sleepy , and wanted to talk . I was sleepy and did not want to talk . Plus I knew that it would be hard to get up and get moving in the morning for church . The Youngest Princess went to her bed , and I fell promptly to sleep . Such an exciting end to a year full of changes . Wednesday night we went to church . My Wednesday night group went well . I love those ladies and I love studying the Bible and learning and growing and just " doing life " with them . It has been an boost in many ways to my spiritual life . The times in both of my groups are priceless . Thursday night , we met with some friends for dinner at my new favorite local restaurant . We used to go to church with these friends and get to see them all the time . Now we rarely get to spend quality time with them . Both of our families are very busy , and so we wanted to intentionally schedule some time during our break with them . We enjoyed our dinner with them . My sweet friend brought me a birthday present . Her Mom and Dad also came to eat at the restaurant , and her mom brought me a birthday card and a little note pad as well . So sweet ! We love their family , and we are so glad that it worked out for us to get together even if for just a little while . Friday night , we went to the church for the youth New Year 's Eve Eve celebration . The Youngest Princess had asked if her friend could come and spend the night . So we made plans for that . I had the Youngest Princess take a shower , before we left , and while she was taking her shower , I read our chapter to her , because I knew we would be in late that night , and her friend would be here . We finished Anne of Avonlea on Thursday night , so we read the first chapter of Anne of the Island . I made two cherry cheesecakes to take , and as we were heading out the door , I was trying to juggle the cheesecakes and put on my jacket , and one of the cheesecakes slipped and landed top down on the floor . GRRRR ! So we cleaned up the cheesecake mess and headed out the door with only one cheesecake , and some cookies that My Prince had baked . At the church the teens ( and a few adventurous adults ) played laser tag . I wanted to play , but I had a really bad headache , so I knew I had better not play and make it even worse . I think the kids had a great time . I took my Dutch Blitz cards and a friend and I helped with the food and then played some Dutch Blitz . Several of the kids played with us as they got out of the laser tag games . It was fun . When it got close to 11 : 00 , we started getting everything all cleaned up . We came home and got everyone settled and ready to go to bed . I was very glad to go to bed , and hopefully get rid of my headache . I snuggled under my new down throw that My Prince bought me for my birthday and went to sleep . Oh , and I almost forgot ! If you want to watch the eagles with us ( spoiler alert , one of the eggs hatched overnight , and there is now a baby eaglet to watch ) , go to www . swfleaglecam . com . It is really cool to watch . And the little bobble headed baby eagle is adorable ! I decided to do a meal in the crockpot that Aunt T had been trying to get me to fix for a while now . My Prince braved the store to get the things we needed , and we got it started and cooking in the crock pot . I cooked my rice , and started a pot of peas . I was very excited about this meal , and hoping it turned out well . We had a special Christmas Eve service planned at church , so we did several things throughout the day to get things ready for that . The girls did a little last minute wrapping of some gifts for me . Then we got ready and went to the church . The service was very nice . I loved being together with my church family on Christmas Eve . Especially when we live so far away from our family . It helps to make it not quite so lonely . After the service , we passed out the hot chocolate ornaments that we had made . It was fun . Then we came home . As we pulled in the driveway , Santa was coming up the street on the firetruck . We honked for the kids to come out . They had driven separately from us and had already gone in the house . They made it out just in time to wave at Santa as he went by and threw them some candy canes . Then we went in and enjoyed our dinner . I thought that I had cooked enough for us to have leftovers , but there was barely enough for seconds . So , I guess it turned out all right . I know next time that if I want to have leftovers , I will have to cook more . I had two requests to fix it again and soon . So it was a win . After dinner , we told the kids that they could each pick one present to open that night . The Oldest Princess picked her new computer case . The Youngest Princess picked a snow globe from her brother . The Young Prince picked a random box . I told him I was surprised that he picked that one ( because there was a HUGE box for him under the tree , and I had figured that he would pick that one ) . When I told him that I was surprised that he had picked that one , he changed his mind and picked the big one . It was a fire pit . He and My Prince put it together and scrounged up some wood to burn , and we went out and made s ' mores around it . It was just barely cool enough to do it , but we had lots of fun and made some memories . I 'm glad he asked for a fire pit . I think we all will enjoy that gift . Sunday , December 25 - We got up and put out the gifts from " Santa " . I did what I could to get our meal ready , but did not plan to cook anything until AFTER church . Then I started getting ready for church . We woke the kids up , and they came down to see what gifts " Santa " had brought . I think they were all pretty happy with what they got . Then we finished getting ready for church . We just had one morning worship service . It was very good , and we observed the Lord 's Supper as well . We had a good crowd too , so that was nice . After church , we came home and put the turkey , ham and hash brown casserole in the oven . Then we let the kids open the rest of their presents . It was a fun , relaxed afternoon . We ate a late lunch / early dinner when the ham and hash brown casserole got done . I talked My Prince into watching a couple of movies with us , and we pretty much just ate and watched movies the rest of the afternoon . That night the Christmas special of When Calls the Heart came on , so we watched it too . Then we all piled in the car and drove by our friend 's house , because My Prince had promised their son that we would drive by and look at the new Christmas blow - ups he had gotten for their yard . We also drove around in our neighborhood and looked at the lights there too . We got to FaceTime ( wall ) with Grammy and Poppy in the Dominican Republic for a few minutes , and that was fun . I am so thankful for technology that helps us to feel closer on the holidays ! Monday , December 26 - My Birthday ! It was a good day . We took it easy that morning , and then did a little shopping in the afternoon . My Prince and the Oldest Princess surprised me with a beautiful tray that I loved . We tossed around going to see a movie but changed our mind . We went to eat , and the restaurant where we went was shorthanded . It turned an experience that should have been about an hour and a half into a three hour experience . After dinner , the Oldest Princess wanted to go to the mall and get a cookie for dessert . So we did that and walked around a little . A couple of the kids spent a little of their Christmas money . Tuesday , December 27 - The Young Prince and My Prince had to go to work . The girls and I had a pajama day at home . I took the ornaments off of the tree , and I got some laundry done . I also did some general straightening up . The girls cleaned out some of their drawers to get rid of some clothes that they had outgrown or no longer wear anymore . The Oldest Princess also culled out some of her shoes . When My Prince came home , he took the Christmas tree out . And we did a little more to put away / clean up after Christmas . The Young Prince cleaned out some of his clothes when he got home from work too . So , when all three children clean out clothes , it is a good day ! We had a relaxed evening . Watching a movie and just being together . The Youngest Princess made cookies . The Oldest Princess made chocolate covered pretzels . The Youngest Princess and I read our chapter and then we went to bed . Just us . Just a calm , cool , collected , ordinary Christmas . No frills , no thrills . Just precious time being together . And I wouldn 't want it any other way . Time has flown by . We have been busy doing all the stuff that goes along with Christmas . There were Christmas Programs , and piano recitals , and parties . My class gave me a new charm for my Pandora bracelet . It was so cute ! They couldn 't wait for me to open it , and when I did , it was a pair of angel wings with a little pearl dangling from them . They told me that they chose that charm because they are all little angels . I love it ! And every time I see it , I will think of my class of 9 little angels with a heart of love . Because they really are a group of little angels . And I have loved teaching them so far . It was a more relaxed Christmas this year . I tried really hard not to get all worked up about everything , and trying to make things perfect . Because WE are not perfect . So there are no Pinterest worthy pictures of my home all decorated for Christmas ( we did put up a tree in the living room , and the Youngest Princess put up a small tree in her room - and I let her do it ALL BY HERSELF - and I did not worry one bit about what it looked like ) . That was about it , as far as decorations go . We did stick one of those laser lights in the yard that makes red and green dots all over the house . And yep . That was it . And we were happy driving around looking at everyone else 's decorated houses . No stress . Just walk out , stick the light in the yard , plug it in , and turn on the remote . We decorated the tree with all of our mismatched ornaments from years gone by . No balls , no ribbon , not even a tree topper . But it was done with love and the memories are worth more than a million matching ornaments . And it was stress free . I actually got to wrap some presents ahead of time this year ( instead of our usual me wrapping them the afternoon of the night we were going to open them ) . It was nice to have time to get them done ahead of time . We went to join our family for our annual " Christmas in the Country " the week before Christmas . The trip there was good . We made it there earlier than we usually do , so that was nice . Aunt T had a great meal fixed for us to eat when we got there . We stayed up late and waited on everyone else that was coming in that night to arrive . Baby H is adorable and growing like a weed . We had fun playing with him and getting to know him a little better . We learned that baby H has a favorite person , and everyone must acknowledge it . It is Unka , in case there was ANY doubt . We also got to meet Miss E . She is J . A . 's girlfriend . We like her a lot . She was very sweet - but of course , we expected nothing less . She fits right in , and I still like her , even if she did beat me in a game of Pictionary . I 'm not bitter or aWe played a crazy game . Aunt T and Lid built this huge ball of prizes , candy and money all wrapped up in saran wrap . We could unwrap and keep any prize we were able to get to before the person next to us rolled a double with the dice . As soon as they rolled a double , our turn was over , and we had to pass the ball of prizes to the person next to us for their turn . It was a lot of fun , and it was pretty messy too . I unwrapped two sticky notes which I got to turn in at the end for two gift cards . One was to a restaurant that we don 't have were we live , so I traded it with my nephew for one he had . Now we are set for dessert the next couple of times we go out to eat . It was fun watching how everyone is different and had different strategies for getting to the prizes . J and M and baby H , along with J . A . and Miss E , all had to leave on Sunday afternoon . We hated to see them all go . Sunday evening was quiet without them all there . Monday , P . J . and his girlfriend Miss J drove over to visit for the day . We give them a hard time because P . J . goes by his middle name , and his girlfriend has the same name . She said her family just calls him by his last name . It can get a little confusing at times . We had met her briefly earlier this year when we found out that they were going to be in Gatlinburg at the same time we were there . We liked her then , and we like her even more now . We had a good time visiting with them for the day . And of course , the time flew by and all too soon it was time for them to head home . We went to eat Crawfish one night . The Young Prince had made many not so subtle hints that that is one of the things he wanted to do . We were joined by our friends Mr . M , Mrs . S , and S . It was a fun night filled with great food . The Oldest Princess ate all 4 pounds of her Crawfish all by herself . The Youngest Princess helped me with mine , but we still had a few left over . The Young Prince put a pretty good dent in his as well . My Prince opted for the shrimp , and they were delicious too . After the Crawfish , we went and got ice cream . I honestly don 't know how any of us had any room for ice cream , but somehow we managed . S and the Youngest Princess were very excited about the ice cream part of the evening . After ice cream , Mrs . S drove us by a really cool Christmas light display . It was a great evening . We stopped by Mr . M and Mrs . S 's house for a few minutes , and the kids and Aunt T played a game . Then we headed back to Aunt T and Unka 's house . The next day Aunt T and Lid had to leave to go back home . We hated to see them go . Unka grilled chicken for dinner that night . I made a couple of sides to go with it , and the Youngest Princess asked if we could eat outside next to the pool . Unka built a fire in the outdoor fireplace , and we indulged the Youngest Princess . Then we listened to Christmas music on Pandora and sat around the outdoor fire to stay warm . The Oldest Princess picked on me by intentionally messing up a video I was trying to take of the fire . But now I have a great video of her being silly and a great memory . And she behaved for the second video take , so I also have a lovely video of the fire and Christmas music playing in the background . The Oldest Princess also tried to scare her sister , but I happened to walk by first . So she scared me instead . She ( the Oldest Princess ) has a video of that , and we have that memory as well . We all got a little chilly , so we went back inside to snuggle under Aunt T 's big blankets and watch Christmas movies . Before long , all nice and cozy and warm , My Prince and I could not keep our eyes open . So we called it a night and went to get some sleep . The next morning , we got up and started getting ready to come home . As always , it was amazing how My Prince was able to get everything packed back in the car . We crammed in like sardines , and with Unka doing the wave by himself , we headed off for home . We made it as far as the corner before the Youngest Princess realized that she did not have her pillow . So we had to turn around and go back before Unka even made it back inside . We found the pillow and set off again . We have made it a tradition the past few years to make a slight detour by the Duck Commander warehouse . This year we almost decided not to go . But the Littlest Princess really wanted to go , so we decided we would . We found out that we could take a tour of the duck call room , and make a duck call ourselves . So , we decided to do that . I am glad that we did , because we met Brian . He was the man who led our " tour " . He shared with us his testimony , and what a testimony it was . He was living a really rough life , before he met the Robertsons . And by meeting them and going to work with them , they introduced him to Christ . Brian then gave his life to Christ , and became a Christian . He turned his life around and now lives for Christ . It was really cool to meet him and hear his story . That was even better than the tour and the duck call for me . We took our annual picture by the Duck Commander sign on the building , and then we continued our journey home . We got home late and pretty much unloaded the car and went straight to bed . I am glad that we were able to go and spend time with our family . I wish we lived closer so that we could see them all more often , but we are thankful for the time that we do get to spend together , because it is more precious than anything else I can thank of , so I will take it any time I can get it . I don 't know if it is blogger , or our computer , or our wi - fi , or what , but I have had a time trying to post my last blog , and I 've fallen behind on keeping up with everything since then . So , the last two weeks or so in a quick whirl - wind blog . Definitely not day by day , because there is no way I can remember everything , and it would be way too long of a blog if I did . We left on the 23rd to visit the Oldest Princess at college . It was wonderful to see her and her friends the Crazy One and the Quiet One . We stayed very busy the whole time we were there . There were Church Services , and volleyball playoffs ( we got to watch the Oldest Princess play again ! ) , and birthday celebrations ( with a very interestingly decorated cookie cake ) , and Praise Services , and Soccer Championships ( the team that I cheered for back in college was actually in the championship - just like old times - so it was really cool ! ) , and Thanksgiving Day lunch , and Fine Arts ( A Christmas Carol ) , and meeting up with precious friends , and Alumni Basketball games , and Alumni gatherings , and family fun and silliness and selfies in - between . It was a fun , busy time . And it passed by all too fast . It was time to come home , way too soon . We left our girl yelling out how many days until she would see us again . Church was wonderful on Sunday the 27th , and after church , we went and picked out a Christmas tree . That night we had our very first Hanging of the Greens . It was very interesting . I enjoyed the service . If you have ever heard of the book , The Best Christmas Pageant Ever , you will understand when I say that I deemed this year 's Hanging of the Greens , The Best Hanging of the Greens Ever . But it was absolutely precious and memorable , and I look forward to doing it again next year . The school week went by pretty much as much as usual . Monday afternoon we decorated our Christmas tree . We decided to forgo the fancy tree this year and use all of the family ornaments . It was fun hanging them on the tree and remembering Christmases past . The Youngest Princess cheered at games on Tuesday night and Thursday night . The Young Prince was voted in as a Volunteer Firefighter at a local Fire Station on Tuesday night . He also worked his first full week in the afternoons after school . We had church on Wednesday night . Friday night we bought the Youngest Princess an early Christmas present ( navy converse shoes ) , so she can wear them in the school Christmas play , and then we went out to eat to celebrate the Young Prince 's birthday . He wanted to go to a hibachi restaurant , so we went , and ate until we couldn 't eat any more , and then we even brought home leftovers . Saturday , the Young Prince went to work , and the rest of us hung out here at home getting various things done . I worked on getting some of our winter clothes out of storage , and putting up some of our warmer clothes . I also spent some time shelling pecans that one of our precious church members left as a surprise on our porch . Sunday morning was the Children 's Breakfast . Then it was my turn to teach in extended care . I had a fun time with the little ones teaching them about Jesus ' birth . After church , we came home and ate lunch , and then took the Youngest Princess to her Christmas Piano recital . She did great . I was a very proud mommy . From the piano recital , it was straight to the church to drop My Prince and the Youngest Princess off at choir practice . The Young Prince and I came home for about an hour and then we went back to the church also . My small group went well . It was our first week of doing our HEAR journals , and I loved seeing how God spoke to each of us through our Bible studies during the week . After small group , the Children 's Choir sang during the service . It was a precious service . I was very proud of all of the students who sang . They all did a great job . Today was a good day at school . The girls are excited and giggly and their attentions spans are short , but we get as much done as possible . After school we had our teacher 's meeting , and then it was home to work on homework . We ate dinner . My Prince and the Young Prince left to go to prayer meeting at church , and the Youngest Princess finished up her homework and got ready for bed . Saturday , November 19 - I woke up early and enjoyed the peace and quiet around the house . I watched the First 5 weekend wrap - up , and read my chapter in Proverbs and then did my daily Bible reading . It was good to be able to do all of those things without distractions . It is a rare morning that I get to do that . The girls woke up , and had cereal for breakfast . They played and had a great time for several hours before one of them had to go home , and we had to start getting ready to go and volunteer for the Compassion Experience . We got ready to go , and left to meet our youth pastor and his wife , who were going to ride with us . We also met my friend , and handed her daughter back over to her . We arrived early for our volunteer shifts . We thought it would take us longer than it did to get there . But that was good , because we had time to change into our Compassion shirts and be " trained " by the volunteers about to turn over their spots to us . The Youngest Princess and I worked together . It was our job to clean the iPods , and earphones after each group finished the experience . We were also to send them away kindly and offer them stickers . And keep a count of all the headphones that came back to us . By counting headphones , we counted heads , and knew how many people went through . It was very busy at times , and very slow at times . But we were all in close proximity , and we had fun teasing and cutting up with one another . There were two guys who work for Compassion ( not volunteers ) , who were working in the room at the end where people could sponsor children if they wanted to . As the sun went down , and it got pretty chilly where we were working , the Youngest Princess left me and hung out just up the stairs in the room with E and D . They taught her what to say to people as they finished , and let her do some of their job . She thought that was fantastic . And when it was slow going , they taught her how to shoot a rubber band , and various other tricks with rubber bands . At one point I stepped up the stairs to check on her , and the Young Prince , our youth pastor and his wife decided to go through a story , leaving only my Prince and the Compassion worker at their stations . When I came back , they were discussing how My Prince was " Volunteer of the Night " . The Compassion worker even gave him a " Volunteer of the Night " special name tag . But just a few minutes later , we had two groups come in , and My Prince forgot to do something , and so he lost his " Volunteer of the Night " status , and it was then bestowed upon me ( the only other volunteer working at that point ) . It wasn 't long before I forgot something and lost my status as well . The Compassion worker kept sneaking stickers to our youth pastor 's wife , so that she could sneak and stick them on My Prince 's back . She in turn involved our youth pastor and the Young Prince . So My Prince had quite a few stickers stuck all over his back by the time we were done . We had a great We left tired , cold and hungry . We went with the Young Prince 's suggestion for dinner . When we got there and ordered , they had changed their meat , and I ( because I have a texture thing about biting into peppers and onions ) could not eat my tacos . We ran through Chick - fil - A drive through , and I ate a Chick - fil - A sandwich on the way home . My Prince had some items he wanted to put on the remembrance table to use as visuals during his sermon . So we gathered those up after we were ready for church . We took them and set them up as he wanted , and then I went to Sunday school . Sunday school was good . I enjoy the friendship , and catching up with and banter that goes on every week . And I enjoy the solid teaching from God 's Word that we receive . My Prince did a great job preaching , and even though one of his visuals did not work as planned , it worked in a different way , and all was well . At the end of the service we had a " Send Off Celebration " for one of our young men who is going to be an interim youth pastor at another local church . It was a sweet time of memories and prayer . After church , I was moving our things off the remembrance table , and putting the original decorations back , when one of the candle holders ( with birdseed all around the candle ) tipped over just as I put it on the table and birdseed went everywhere . We had to move the table and get the vacuum cleaner out . It was a mess ! But on the positive side , by the time we got it all cleaned up and got to the restaurant for lunch , there was no wait . Everyone else had already had their lunch and made it home for their Sunday afternoon naps . We ate and went home too . I studied for my Sunday evening class and for my Bible Drills class . I needed glow in the dark stars for my Bible Drills class , so we left early so that we could run by the store on our way to church . Of course , the store did not have what I needed , so I had to improvise . I bought this really cool flashing wand instead . I 'll tell ya how we used it in a minute . First , my Sunday evening group . One of us had a daughter that was sick , and another one of us was headed out of town , so that left just two of us . But we had a great discussion about our chapter and our week . We also had a discussion about something that has kind of been on both of our hearts . And we both committed to pray about the situation , and what , if anything we should do about it . It was a very sweet time . Then in Bible Drills class . I had all of my kiddos except one . They were wound up after play practice , but they did fairly well learning our verse . My helper was out of town , so I asked another friend to help me out . She was gracious and did help me . Our verse was Matthew 5 : 16 . After we had gone over it several times , and the kids were pretty familiar with it , I turned out the lights and brought out my cool flashing , glowing wand . They all got to hold the wand and say the verse . They all did a great job ! Monday , November 21 - We slept in a little . The kids slept in a lot . Then we got ready and went to church to meet up with some of the other volunteers to go and help at our local Operation Christmas Child collection center . We helped check some of the boxes that came in and made sure that the labels were taped on correctly and that they had rubber bands on them so that the lids would not come off . The guys helped to load boxes of shoeboxes onto trailers that would take them to Atlanta to then be sent around the world . After helping there , we came home , and then went for a late lunch early dinner at a local Mexican restaurant . Then we came home and relaxed and enjoyed our evening at home . Tuesday , November 22 - The Young Prince went to work for a local home and farm center . I got up early enough to make sure that he had some Plexus and some breakfast before he left for his day at work . My Prince went to work . The Youngest Princess woke up and came downstairs just about the time I started my daily Bible reading . I asked her if she wanted to join me . She did , so I read it out loud to her . She stopped me from time to time to ask questions . It was a sweet time together . The Young Prince came home from work . He had a pretty good day , but he was pretty tired . My Prince , the Youngest Princess and I delivered extra Thanksgiving food to a couple of families . Then we came back home and met up with the Young Prince . We went to church for our mid - week service on Tuesday night this week . It was a very sweet time of sharing what all we were thankful for . It was encouraging to hear people talk about the spiritual blessings that they were thankful for instead of just the material blessings that we are all thankful for . I really enjoyed it . I am wife to a wonderful Pastor , and mother to three very busy children . I teach 5th grade at a private Christian school . I have a burden to see others live their lives serving the Lord . I hope that something you read here challenges you to do just that . |
> CHAPTER 13 . - DR . SEWARD ' S DIARY CHAPTER 13 . - DR . SEWARD ' S DIARY The funeral was arranged for the next succeeding day , so that Lucy and her mother might be buried together . I attended to all the ghastly formalities , and the urbane undertaker proved that his staff was afflicted , or blessed , with something of his own obsequious suavity . Even the woman who performed the last offices for the dead remarked to me , in a confidential , brother - professional way , when she had come out from the death chamber , " She makes a very beautiful corpse , sir . It 's quite a privilege to attend on her . It 's not too much to say that she will do credit to our establishment ! " I noticed that Van Helsing never kept far away . This was possible from the disordered state of things in the household . There were no relatives at hand , and as Arthur had to be back the next day to attend at his father 's funeral , we were unable to notify any one who should have been bidden . Under the circumstances , Van Helsing and I took it upon ourselves to examine papers , etc . He insisted upon looking over Lucy 's papers himself . I asked him why , for I feared that he , being a foreigner , might not be quite aware of English legal requirements , and so might in ignorance make some unnecessary trouble . He answered me , " I know , I know . You forget that I am a lawyer as well as a doctor . But this is not altogether for the law . You knew that , when you avoided the coroner . I have more than him to avoid . There may be papers more , such as this . " " When you find anything of the solicitor who is for the late Mrs . Westenra , seal all her papers , and write him tonight . For me , I watch here in the room and in Miss Lucy 's old room all night , and I myself search for what may be . It is not well that her very thoughts go into the hands of strangers . " I went on with my part of the work , and in another half hour had found the name and address of Mrs . Westenra 's solicitor and had written to him . All the poor lady 's papers were in order . Explicit directions regarding the place of burial were given . I had hardly sealed the letter , when , to my surprise , Van Helsing walked into the room , saying , To which he replied , " I did not look for any specific thing . I only hoped to find , and find I have , all that there was , only some letters and a few memoranda , and a diary new begun . But I have them here , and we shall for the present say nothing of them . I shall see that poor lad tomorrow evening , and , with his sanction , I shall use some . " When we had finished the work in hand , he said to me , " And now , friend John , I think we may to bed . We want sleep , both you and I , and rest to recuperate . Tomorrow we shall have much to do , but for the tonight there is no need of us . Alas ! " Before turning in we went to look at poor Lucy . The undertaker had certainly done his work well , for the room was turned into a small chapelle ardente . There was a wilderness of beautiful white flowers , and death was made as little repulsive as might be . The end of the winding sheet was laid over the face . When the Professor bent over and turned it gently back , we both started at the beauty before us . The tall wax candles showing a sufficient light to note it well . All Lucy 's loveliness had come back to her in death , and the hours that had passed , instead of leaving traces of The Professor looked sternly grave . He had not loved her as I had , and there was no need for tears in his eyes . He said to me , " Remain till I return , " and left the room . He came back with a handful of wild garlic from the box waiting in the hall , but which had not been opened , and placed the flowers amongst the others on and around the bed . Then he took from his neck , inside his collar , a little gold crucifix , and placed it over the mouth . He restored the sheet to its place , and we came away . " Yes and no . I want to operate , but not what you think . Let me tell you now , but not a word to another . I want to cut off her head and take out her heart . Ah ! You a surgeon , and so shocked ! You , whom I have seen with no tremble of hand or heart , do operations of life and death that make the rest shudder . Oh , but I must not forget , my dear friend John , that you loved her , and I have not forgotten it for is I that shall operate , and you must not help . I would like to do it tonight , but for Arthur I must not . He will be free after his father 's funeral tomorrow , and he will want to see her , to see it . Then , when she is coffined ready for the next day , you and I shall come when all sleep . We shall unscrew the coffin lid , and shall do our operation , and then replace all , so that none know , save we alone . " " But why do it at all ? The girl is dead . Why mutilate her poor body without need ? And if there is no necessity for a post - mortem and nothing to gain by it , no good to her , to us , to science , to human knowledge , why do it ? Without such it is monstrous . " For answer he put his hand on my shoulder , and said , with infinite tenderness , " Friend John , I pity your poor bleeding heart , and I love you the more because it does so bleed . If I could , I would take on myself the burden that you do bear . But there are things that you know not , but that you shall know , and bless me for knowing , though they are not pleasant things . John , my child , you have been my friend now many years , and yet did you ever know me to do any without good cause ? I may err , I am but man , but I believe in all I do . Was it not for these causes that you send for me when the great trouble came ? Yes ! Were you not amazed , nay horrified , when I would not let Arthur kiss his love , though she was dying , and snatched him away by all my strength ? Yes ! And yet you saw how she thanked me , with her so beautiful dying eyes , her voice , too , so weak , and she kiss my rough old hand and bless me ? Yes ! And did you not hear me swear promise to her , that so she closed her eyes grateful ? Yes ! " Well , I have good reason now for all I want to do . You have for many years trust me . You have believe me weeks past , when there be things so strange that you might have well doubt . Believe me yet a little , friend John . If you trust me not , then I must tell what I think , and that is not perhaps well . And if I work , as work I shall , no matter trust or no trust , without my friend trust in me , I work with heavy heart and feel , oh so lonely when I want all help and courage that may be ! " He paused a moment and went on solemnly , " Friend John , there are strange and terrible days before us . Let us not be two , but one , that so we work to a good end . Will you not have faith in me ? " I took his hand , and promised him . I held my door open as he went away , and watched him go to his room and close the door . As I stood without moving , I saw one of the maids pass silently along the passage , she had her back to me , so did not see me , and go into the room where Lucy lay . The sight touched me . Devotion is so rare , and we are so grateful to those who show it unasked to those we love . Here was a poor girl putting aside the terrors which she naturally had of death to go watch alone by the bier of the mistress whom she loved , so that the poor clay might not be lonely till laid to eternal rest . I must have slept long and soundly , for it was broad daylight when Van Helsing waked me by coming into my room . He came over to my bedside and said , " You need not trouble about the knives . We shall not do it . " " Because I get it back from the worthless wretch who stole it , from the woman who robbed the dead and the living . Her punishment will surely come , but not through me . She knew not altogether what she did , and thus unknowing , she only stole . Now we must wait . " He went away on the word , leaving me with a new mystery to think of , a new puzzle to grapple with . The forenoon was a dreary time , but at noon the solicitor came , Mr . Marquand , of Wholeman , Sons , Marquand & Lidderdale . He was very genial and very appreciative of what we had done , and took off our hands all cares as to details . During lunch he told us that Mrs . Westenra had for some time expected sudden death from her heart , and had put her affairs in absolute order . He informed us that , with the exception of a certain entailed property of Lucy 's father which now , in default of direct issue , went back to a distant branch of the family , the whole estate , real and personal , was left absolutely to Arthur Holmwood . When he had told us so much he went on , " Frankly we did our best to prevent such a testamentary disposition , and pointed out certain contingencies that might leave her daughter either penniless or not so free as she should be to act regarding a matrimonial alliance . Indeed , we pressed the matter so far that we almost came into collision , for she asked us if we were or were not prepared to carry out her wishes . Of course , we had then no alternative but to accept . We were right in principle , and ninety - nine times out of a hundred we should have proved , by the logic of events , the accuracy of our judgment . " Frankly , however , I must admit that in this case any other form of disposition would have rendered impossible the carrying out of her wishes . For by her predeceasing her daughter the latter would have come into possession of the property , and , even had she only survived her mother by five minutes , her property would , in case there were no will , and a will was a practical impossibility in such a case , have been treated at her decease as under intestacy . In which case Lord Godalming , though so dear a friend , would have had no claim in the world . And the inheritors , being remote , would not be likely to abandon their just rights , for sentimental reasons regarding an entire stranger . I assure you , my dear sirs , I am rejoiced at the result , perfectly rejoiced . " He did not remain long , but said he would look in later in the day and see Lord Godalming . His coming , however , had been a certain comfort to us , since it assured us that we should not have to dread hostile criticism as to any of our acts . Arthur was expected at five o ' clock , so a little before that time we visited the death chamber . It was so in very truth , for now both mother and daughter lay in it . The undertaker , true to his craft , had made the best display he could of his goods , and there was a mortuary air about the place that lowered our spirits at once . Poor fellow ! He looked desperately sad and broken . Even his stalwart manhood seemed to have shrunk somewhat under the strain of his much - tried emotions . He had , I knew , been very genuinely and devotedly attached to his father , and to lose him , and at such a time , was a bitter blow to him . With me he was warm as ever , and to Van Helsing he was sweetly courteous . But I could not help seeing that there was some constraint with him . The professor noticed it too , and motioned me to bring him upstairs . I did so , and left him at the door of the room , as I felt he would like to be quite alone with her , but he took my arm and led me in , saying huskily , " You loved her too , old fellow . She told me all about it , and there was no friend had a closer place in her heart than you . I don 't know how to thank you for all you have done for her . I can 't think yet . . . " Here he suddenly broke down , and threw his arms round my shoulders and laid his head on my breast , crying , " Oh , Jack ! Jack ! What shall I do ? The whole of life seems gone from me all at once , and there is nothing in the wide world for me to live for . " I comforted him as well as I could . In such cases men do not need much expression . A grip of the hand , the tightening of an arm over the shoulder , a sob in unison , are expressions of sympathy dear to a man 's heart . I stood still and silent till his sobs died away , and then I said softly to him , " Come and look at her . " Together we moved over to the bed , and I lifted the lawn from her face . God ! How beautiful she was . Every hour seemed to be enhancing her loveliness . It frightened and amazed me somewhat . And as for Arthur , he fell to trembling , and finally was shaken with doubt as with an ague . At last , after a long pause , he said to me in a faint whisper , " Jack , is she really dead ? " I assured him sadly that it was so , and went on to suggest , for I felt that such a horrible doubt should not have life for a moment longer than I could help , that it often happened that after death faces become softened and even resolved into their youthful beauty , that this was especially so when death had been preceded by any acute or prolonged suffering . I seemed to quite do away with any doubt , and after kneeling beside the couch for a while and looking at her lovingly and long , he turned aside . I told him that that must be goodbye , as the coffin had to be prepared , so he went back and took her dead hand in his and kissed it , and bent over and kissed her forehead . He came away , fondly looking back over his shoulder at her as he came . I left him in the drawing room , and told Van Helsing that he had said goodbye , so the latter went to the kitchen to tell the undertaker 's men to proceed with the preperations and to screw up the coffin . When he came out of the room again I told him of Arthur 's question , and he replied , " I am not surprised . Just now I doubted for a moment myself ! " " No , no , not that , for God 's sake ! Not yet at any rate . Forgive me , sir . I did not mean to speak offensively . It is only because my loss is so recent . " Arthur held out his hand , and took the old man 's warmly . " Call me what you will , " he said . " I hope I may always have the title of a friend . And let me say that I am at a loss for words to thank you for your goodness to my poor dear . " He paused a moment , and went on , " I know that she understood your goodness even better than I do . And if I was rude or in any way wanting at that time you acted so , you remember , " - - the Professor nodded - - " You must forgive me . " He answered with a grave kindness , " I know it was hard for you to quite trust me then , for to trust such violence needs to understand , and I take it that you do not , that you cannot , trust me now , for you do not yet understand . And there may be more times when I shall want you to trust when you cannot , and may not , and must not yet understand . But the time will come when your trust shall be whole and complete in me , and when you shall understand as though the sunlight himself shone through . Then you shall bless me from first to last for your own sake , and for the sake of others , and for her dear sake to whom I swore to protect . " " And indeed , indeed , sir , " said Arthur warmly . " I shall in all ways trust you . I know and believe you have a very noble heart , and you are Jack 's friend , and you were hers . You shall do what you like . " " And as it is all yours , you have a right to deal with it as you will . I want you to give me permission to read all Miss Lucy 's papers and letters . Believe me , it is no idle curiosity . I have a motive of which , be sure , she would have approved . I have them all here . I took them before we knew that all was yours , so that no strange hand might touch them , no strange eye look through words into her soul . I shall keep them , if I may . Even you may not see them yet , but I shall keep them safe . No word shall be lost , and in the good time I shall give them back to you . It is a hard thing that I ask , but you will do it , will you not , for Lucy 's sake ? " Arthur spoke out heartily , like his old self , " Dr . Van Helsing , you may do what you will . I feel that in saying this I am doing what my dear one would have approved . I shall not trouble you with questions till the time comes . " The old Professor stood up as he said solemnly , " And you are right . There will be pain for us all , but it will not be all pain , nor will this pain be the last . We and you too , you most of all , dear boy , will have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet . But we must be brave of heart and unselfish , and do our duty , and all will be well ! " I slept on a sofa in Arthur 's room that night . Van Helsing did not go to bed at all . He went to and fro , as if patroling the house , and was never out of sight of the room where Lucy lay in her coffin , strewn with the wild garlic flowers , which sent through the odor of lily and rose , a heavy , overpowering smell into the night . 22 September . - - In the train to Exeter . Jonathan sleeping . It seems only yesterday that the last entry was made , and yet how much between then , in Whitby and all the world before me , Jonathan away and no news of him , and now , married to Jonathan , Jonathan a solicitor , a partner , rich , master of his business , Mr . Hawkins dead and buried , and Jonathan with another attack that may harm him . Some day he may ask me about it . Down it all goes . I am rusty in my shorthand , see what unexpected prosperity does for us , so it may be as well to freshen it up again with an exercise anyhow . The service was very simple and very solemn . There were only ourselves and the servants there , one or two old friends of his from Exeter , his London agent , and a gentleman representing Sir John Paxton , the President of the Incorporated Law Society . Jonathan and I stood hand in hand , and we felt that our best and dearest friend was gone from us . We came back to town quietly , taking a bus to Hyde Park Corner . Jonathan thought it would interest me to go into the Row for a while , so we sat down . But there were very few people there , and it was sad - looking and desolate to see so many empty chairs . It made us think of the empty chair at home . So we got up and walked down Piccadilly . Jonathan was holding me by the arm , the way he used to in the old days before I went to school . I felt it very improper , for you can 't go on for some years teaching etiquette and decorum to other girls without the pedantry of it biting into yourself a bit . But it was Jonathan , and he was my husband , and we didn 't know anybody who saw us , and we didn 't care if they did , so on we walked . I was looking at a very beautiful girl , in a big cart - wheel hat , sitting in a victoria outside Guiliano 's , when I felt Jonathan clutch my arm so tight that he hurt me , and he said under his breath , " My God ! " He was very pale , and his eyes seemed bulging out as , half in terror and half in amazement , he gazed at a tall , thin man , with a beaky nose and black moustache and pointed beard , who was also observing the pretty girl . He was looking at her so hard that he did not see either of us , and so I had a good view of him . His face was not a good face . It was hard , and cruel , and sensual , and big white teeth , that looked all the whiter because his lips were so red , were pointed like an animal 's . Jonathan kept staring at him , till I was afraid he would notice . I feared he might take it ill , he looked so fierce and nasty . I asked Jonathan why he was disturbed , and he answered , evidently thinking that I knew as much about it as he did , " Do you see who it is ? " " No , dear , " I said . " I don 't know him , who is it ? " His answer seemed to shock and thrill me , for it was said as if he did not know that it was me , Mina , to whom he was speaking . " It is the man himself ! " The poor dear was evidently terrified at something , very greatly terrified . I do believe that if he had not had me to lean on and to support him he would have sunk down . He kept staring . A man came out of the shop with a small parcel , and gave it to the lady , who then drove off . Th e dark man kept his eyes fixed on her , and when the carriage moved up Piccadilly he followed in the same direction , and hailed a hansom . Jonathan kept looking after him , and said , as if to himself , " I believe it is the Count , but he has grown young . My God , if this be so ! Oh , my God ! My God ! If only I knew ! If only I knew ! " He was distressing himself so much that I feared to keep his mind on the subject by asking him any questions , so I remained silent . I drew away quietly , and he , holding my arm , came easily . We walked a little further , and then went in and sat for a while in the Green Park . It was a hot day for autumn , and there was a comfortable seat in a shady place . After a few minutes ' staring at nothing , Jonathan 's eyes closed , and he went quickly into a sleep , with his head on my shoulder . I thought it was the best thing for him , so did not disturb him . In about twenty minutes he woke up , and said to me quite cheerfully , " Why , Mina , have I been asleep ! Oh , do forgive me for being so rude . Come , and we 'll have a cup of tea somewhere . " He had evidently forgotten all about the dark stranger , as in his illness he had forgotten all that this episode had reminded him of . I don 't like this lapsing into forgetfulness . It may make or continue some injury to the brain . I must not ask him , for fear I shall do more harm than good , but I must somehow learn the facts of his journey abroad . The time is come , I fear , when I must open the parcel , and know what is written . Oh , Jonathan , you will , I know , forgive me if I do wrong , but it is for your own dear sake . Later . - - A sad homecoming in every way , the house empty of the dear soul who was so good to us . Jonathan still pale and dizzy under a slight relapse of his malady , and now a telegram from Van Helsing , whoever he may be . " You will be grieved to hear that Mrs . Westenra died five days ago , and that Lucy died the day before yesterday . They were both buried today . " Oh , what a wealth of sorrow in a few words ! Poor Mrs . Westenra ! Poor Lucy ! Gone , gone , never to return to us ! And poor , poor Arthur , to have lost such a sweetness out of his life ! God help us all to bear our troubles . 22 September . - - It is all over . Arthur has gone back to Ring , and has taken Quincey Morris with him . What a fine fellow is Quincey ! I believe in my heart of hearts that he suffered as much about Lucy 's death as any of us , but he bore himself through it like a moral Viking . If America can go on breeding men like that , she will be a power in the world indeed . Van Helsing is lying down , having a rest preparatory to his journey . He goes to Amsterdam tonight , but says he returns tomorrow night , that he only wants to make some arrangements which can only be made personally . He is to stop with me then , if he can . He says he has work to do in London which may take him some time . Poor old fellow ! I fear that the strain of the past week has broken down even his iron strength . All the time of the burial he was , I could see , putting some terrible restraint on himself . When it was all over , we were standing beside Arthur , who , poor fellow , was speaking of his part in the operation where his blood had been transfused to his Lucy 's veins . I could see Van Helsing 's face grow white and purple by turns . Arthur was saying that he felt since then as if they two had been really married , and that she was his wife in the sight of God . None of us said a word of the other operations , and none of us ever shall . Arthur and Quincey went away together to the station , and Van Helsing and I came on here . The moment we were alone in the carriage he gave way to a regular fit of hysterics . He has denied to me since that it was hysterics , and insisted that it was only his sense of humor asserting itself under very terrible conditions . He laughed till he cried , and I had to draw down the blinds lest any one should see us and misjudge . And then he cried , till he laughed again , and laughed and cried together , just as a woman does . I tried to be stern with him , as one is to a woman under the circumstances , but it had no effect . Men and women are so different in manifestations of nervous strength or weakness ! Then when his face grew grave and stern agai " Ah , you don 't comprehend , friend John . Do not think that I am not sad , though I laugh . See , I have cried even when the laugh did choke me . But no more think that I am all sorry when I cry , for the laugh he come just the same . Keep it always with you that laughter who knock at your door and say , ' May I come in ? ' is not true laughter . No ! He is a king , and he come when and how he like . He ask no person , he choose no time of suitability . He say , ' I am here . ' Behold , in example I grieve my heart out for that so sweet young girl . I give my blood for her , though I am old and worn . I give my time , my skill , my sleep . I let my other sufferers want that she may have all . And yet I can laugh at her very grave , laugh when the clay from the spade of the sexton drop upon her coffin and say ' Thud , thud ! ' to my heart , till it send back the blood from my cheek . My heart bleed for that poor boy , that dear boy , so of the age of mine own boy had I been so blessed that he live , and with his hair and eyes the same . " There , you know now why I love him so . And yet when he say things that touch my husband - heart to the quick , and make my father - heart yearn to him as to no other man , not even you , friend John , for we are more level in experiences than father and son , yet even at such a moment King Laugh he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear , ' Here I am ! Here I am ! ' till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek . Oh , friend John , it is a strange world , a sad world , a world full of miseries , and woes , and troubles . And yet when King Laugh come , he make them all dance to the tune he play . Bleeding hearts , and dry bones of the churchyard , and tears that burn as they fall , all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him . And believe me , friend John , that he is good to come , and kind . Ah , we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways . Then tears come , and like the rain on the ropes , they brace us up , until perhaps the strain become too great , and we break . But King Laugh he come like the sunshine , and he ease off the strain again , and we bear to go on with our labor , what it may be . " " Oh , it was the grim irony of it all , this so lovely lady garlanded with flowers , that looked so fair as life , till one by one we wondered if she were truly dead , she laid in that so fine marble house in that lonely churchyard , where rest so many of her kin , laid there with the mother who loved her , and whom she loved , and that sacred bell going " Toll ! Toll ! Toll ! ' so sad and slow , and those holy men , with the white garments of the angel , pretending to read books , and yet all the time their eyes never on the page , and all of us with the bowed head . And all for what ? She is dead , so ! Is it not ? " " Well , for the life of me , Professor , " I said , " I can 't see anything to laugh at in all that . Why , your expression makes it a harder puzzle than before . But even if the burial service was comic , what about poor Art and his trouble ? Why his heart was simply breaking . " " Quite so . But there was a difficulty , friend John . If so that , then what about the others ? Ho , ho ! Then this so sweet maid is a polyandrist , and me , with my poor wife dead to me , but alive by Church 's law , though no wits , all gone , even I , who am faithful husband to this now - no - wife , am bigamist . " " I don 't see where the joke comes in there either ! " I said , and I did not feel particularly pleased with him for saying such things . He laid his hand on my arm , and said , " Friend John , forgive me if I pain . I showed not my feeling to others when it would wound , but only to you , my old friend , whom I can trust . If you could have looked into my heart then when I want to laugh , if you could have done so when the laugh arrived , if you could do so now , when King Laugh have pack up his crown , and all that is to him , for he go far , far away from me , and for a long , long time , maybe you would perhaps pity me the most of all . " The neighborhood of Hampstead is just at present exercised with a series of events which seem to run on lines parallel to those of what was known to the writers of headlines and " The Kensington Horror , " or " The Stabbing Woman , " or " The Woman in Black . " During the past two or three days several cases have occurred of young children straying from home or neglecting to return from their playing on the Heath . In all these cases the children were too young to give any properly intelligible account of themselves , but the consensus of their excuses is that they had been with a " bloofer lady . " It has always been late in the evening when they have been missed , and on two occasions the children have not been found until early in the following morning . It is generally supposed in the neighborhood that , as the first child missed gave as his reason for being away that a " bloofer lady " had asked him to come for a walk , the others had picked up the phrase and used it as occasion served . This is the more natural as the favorite game of the little ones at present is luring each other away by wiles . A correspondent writes us that to see some of the tiny tots pretending to be the " bloofer lady " is supremely funny . Some of our caricaturists might , he says , take a lesson in the irony of grotesque by comparing the reality and the picture . It is only in accordance with general principles of human nature that the " bloofer lady " should be the popular role at these al fresco performances . Our correspondent naively says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby - faced little children pretend , and even imagine themselves , to be . There is , however , possibly a serious side to the question , for some of the children , indeed all who have been missed at night , have been slightly torn or wounded in the throat . The wounds seem such as might be made by a rat or a small dog , and although of not much importance individually , would tend to show that whatever animal inflicts them has a system or method of its own . The police of the division have been instructed to keep a sharp lookout for straying children , especially when very young , in and around Hampstead Heath , and for any stray dog which may be about . We have just received intelligence that another child , missed last night , was only discovered late in the morning under a furze bush at the Shooter 's Hill side of Hampstead Heath , which is perhaps , less frequented than the other parts . It has the same tiny wound in the throat as has been noticed in other cases . It was terribly weak , and looked quite emaciated . It too , when partially restored , had the common story to tell of being lured away by the " bloofer lady " . |
March 12 , 2017 I had planned to serialize half of Privileged Lives , but from the number of views so far , it seems that no one is interested . I 'm not enthusiastic about reading serials , myself , preferring to let the chapters pile up until there 's a good sense of story , rather than read them one by one as they come out . General readership has also dropped like a stone while I 've been serializing . So I 'm going to do two more segments and then get back to the kind of stuff that this blog is usually about . Serializing is boring , anyway . There was a discussion recently about an article someone had written after trying out Hemingway , one of the editing software programs that 's supposed to make you a better writer . I think the basic concept of Hemingway is a poor one , and the article 's author illustrated that pretty well with some samples . That 's one post coming up soon . March 7 , 2017 Linden sat in numb silence between the two soldiers . The statement that they had a plane to catch didn 't make any impression . He hardly took note of the long ride and the way it was taking him farther away from his mother with every minute that passed . That all came later . But there was finally an end to the trip , at least that part of it . They got out of the car and walked from an almost - empty parking lot to an almost - empty airport waiting room . Linden started to wake out of his stupor and looked around . The place didn 't look anything like the airports in movies . The waiting room was small and he could see the airfield from the big windows . There were no big passenger jets , just one small plane , looking lonely and , somehow , ominous . Sharing the waiting room with him were more soldiers and a few kids his own age . A soldier with a clipboard in his hand , walked over to him . " This Linden Thomas ? " At a nod from one of Linden 's guards , the man made a mark on the clipboard and said , " We 're all here , then . I 'll let the pilot know we 're nearly ready to go . " Linden became aware that someone was staring at him . When he lifted his eyes to the huddled group of kids , he saw three girls and three boys . One of the girls was crying . One boy 's eyes were suspiciously red and swollen , and he glared at Linden as if he was to blame for their being here . Or maybe he was making them late . He didn 't know and he didn 't care . He clenched his fists and glared back , then walked over to a seat near the wall . The soldier with the clipboard stepped in front of him . Instead of the clipboard , he was holding a metal bracelet . " Why ? " Linden asked , the spirit of resistance suddenly raising its head . It was much too late , but it made him feel alive for the first time since he 'd walked away from his home . " Suppose I don 't ? " The soldier closed his eyes , mumbled something and then gave him the expression that adults gave kids who were being annoying . " It won 't get you anywhere , you know . Just give me your arm . " Linden didn 't move . He watched the man 's hand reach for his arm . Watched the bracelet being put around his wrist and heard the snap of a catch . It wasn 't his arm , he decided . He would simply refuse to accept that it was his arm , encircled by a bracelet of cold , hard metal . The hand let go of his arm and he let it drop . It took with it the brief flareup of rebellion and the cold numbness returned . When a door opened a few minutes later , Linden followed the others out onto the tarmac and up the metal steps into the sleek two - engine plane . He 'd never flown before , and a little voice in the back of his head kept trying to tell him he should be excited . He let himself be directed to a seat , let the drone of the engines lull him . He ignored the voices of the soldiers in quiet conversation , and the sudden cry from one of the girls : " I want to go home , " and the sobbing that followed . He dropped into a shallow doze that was broken just for a few seconds , every now and then by a raised voice . The first bump when the plane hit an air pocket jerked him fully awake , panicked . But no one else seemed alarmed , and he allowed himself to drift off again . Vague thoughts floated through his mind and disappeared . He should look out the window and see what the world looked like from up here . He should pay attention to what was going on around him . He should remember all this so he could tell his mother about it , later . The thoughts faded and he slept again . Suddenly , it seemed to him , they had arrived at another airport and were leaving the plane . There was another long ride , in a van this time , with the other children and the soldiers who 'd been on the plane with them . The slamming of a heavy metal gate finally brought him out of his daze . He got out of the van with the others and found that they were surrounded by buildings that said ' college , ' but it didn 't look anything like the pictures in the brochure . We 're here . Wherever here is . The van drove off , and the soldiers who 'd come with them headed to another part of the campus . Eight adults stood in front of the small group . One was a tall man in a uniform that was much fancier than the ones the soldiers had worn , and with shiny decorations on the shoulders . He stepped forward and ran his eyes over the seven children . " You look tired , youngsters . It 's been a long trip and I 'm sure you 'd like to rest . I 'm Major Cornwell , provost of Merriman College . I want to welcome you as the latest members of this year 's class . And the last to arrive . " Linden stared at him , trying to work out the meaning of the uniform and the rank , and everything suddenly clicked into place . He shuddered . If this was a military academy , he wasn 't going to survive . He 'd failed his high school 's compulsory cadet training program quite spectacularly . They 'd thought it was just a bit of childish rebellion , that he would give in eventually , but he hadn 't . He refused to wear a uniform . He refused to march . He refused to learn the commands or the stupid pledge that they were supposed to recite . He 'd won , as far as that was possible . He had to attend , but he 'd been allowed to sit on the sidelines while the other students drilled . He was sure that failure here would be get him more than reprimands and a bad grade on his report . I 'm not the only one . I bet none of them want to be here . The major confirmed every hateful word of the instructions , every word from Mrs . Kinney 's lips . He 'd been tracked , like an animal , and all they had to do was wait for the right time to capture him . He 'd never had a chance . Maybe some of the students were proud of having been selected . Maybe they even liked it here , but he would never be one of them . The major waved his hand at the other adults and stepped back into the line with them . " These are your tutors . They will also be your advisors and , we hope , your friends . They will be sharing your quarters , and their first job will be getting you settled in . Tomorrow , they 'll accompany you to the orientation for the incoming class . " The tutors were dressed identically in exercise clothes , in shades of gray and black . They each carried a clipboard , and it didn 't take a genius , Linden thought , to figure out that the new students ' photos were right on top . The adults knew exactly who was who . They introduced themselves and led their charges away , all heading for the same building , chatting as they went . Linden 's tutor was a man with a sour face and stiff posture . He certainly wasn 't the one Linden would have chosen if he 'd had a choice . He wondered briefly if he 'd ever have a choice about anything , ever again . Exhausted , hungry , and expected to accept as his tutor and advisor - and friend - a man who clearly wasn 't happy to see him , Linden dawdled , letting himself fall behind . If he got lost in the building , Tobias could just come and find him . He was almost disappointed to find the tutor waiting for him inside , his arms folded , disapproval coming off him like a heat wave . Tobias had started toward a stairway . He stopped and spun around . " Let 's get one thing straight , right now . I 'm not going to put up with any insolence . My job is to keep you on track with your studies , and that 's what I 'm going to do . You don 't have to like me , but I expect a minimum of courtesy . " " That would be a lot easier if you showed me some . " Linden put his hand out and leaned against the wall , suddenly dizzy . He shook his head to clear it , and with the last of his energy , he said , " I just want to be treated like I 'm a student and not a prisoner . " The hallway at the top of the stairs was bleak , with a dozen or so doors on either side before it turned a corner . " This floor in this wing is for new students . There 's a print map of the building and the campus , next to the stairway , and it 's also on your computer . " Tobias put his hand to a plate next to the last door on their right . " Put your hand here and let the building register your identity . Your hand print lets you in and out . It also keeps a record of exits and entrances . " Linden was too tired to ask why , and Tobias didn 't volunteer the information . He already had the feeling that Tobias wasn 't much of a talker and wasn 't going to tell him anything that wasn 't absolutely necessary . How was he going to find any good in this situation if he had this antagonistic man hanging over him all the time ? He stopped in the now open doorway , appalled . He could see the entire place from where they were standing , in a small bedroom that was the center of the apartment . The bed was just a few feet in front of him . The rooms were small , efficiently arranged , and as cheerless as the hallway . With the exception of the white walls , everything was in shades of gray , even the bed covering . The light from the window above the bed didn 't do a thing to brighten the place up . Linden took a few steps in that direction and looked in . The space was even smaller than his own , and just as dreary . But what gave him an unpleasant feeling in his chest , was that though the beds were separated by a wall , there was no door . Neither of them would have any real privacy . The room to the right of the entrance , a study , also lacked a door . It had a worktable with a computer and two tablets , two chairs , and a few shelves on one wall . It was also the route to the bathroom . That did have a door . " I don 't wear my uniform when I 'm serving in this function . We 're usually short regular tutors because the student body is growing quickly . Support staff has to fill in until . . . " " Until none of your business , " he snapped out . Go take a shower and change your clothes , " he added , leaving Linden with one more thing to think about . " You 'll feel better . I 'll take you down to the cafeteria afterwards . " " My clothes are in the drawers at my end of the room . Yours are in the middle section . The rest are for towels , sheets , etc . , and winter wear . " He pulled out a pair of what looked like yoga pants , a pair of boxer briefs , and a long - sleeved henley , all dark green , and tossed them on Linden 's bed . Linden decided that from now on he wouldn 't ask Tobias anything that he could figure out for himself . He picked up the clothes and went to find out what the bathroom was like . Like the rest of the apartment , the bathroom was utilitarian and not an inch bigger than necessity demanded . There was a shower , but no tub . The floor and shower enclosure were tiled in white and shades of gray . " Great color scheme , " he muttered . " Nobody will ever be able to tell if the place needs to be cleaned . " He avoided looking at Tobias when he came back out . A quick glance had been enough . He wondered whether the anger had anything to do with him , or was just part of the man 's personality . " The clothes fit okay . " Linden followed silently , keeping his head down . He didn 't want anyone to see that he 'd been crying . He 'd sat on the shower floor letting the water pour over him until it started to cool , and he remembered that Tobias was waiting for him . Tobias would expect him to eat . Tobias would expect him to get up in the morning , and he didn 't know if he could do that . Linden lay on his bed , not moving , trying not to think . They 'd walked home in silence , and as soon as Carrie closed the door behind them , she tried to put her arms around him . He 'd managed not to cry before , but her comfort was more than he would have been able to resist . He pushed her away , ran upstairs to his room , and shut the door . Two or three times , as the afternoon passed , he heard her walking quietly up the stairs and coming to his doorway . She waited a few seconds each time , and then went away again . He was making things worse for her , and that made him feel guilty , but he didn 't know what to do about it . He didn 't think he 'd miss school too much , but he couldn 't imagine his life without his mom . When would he see her again , and how would she manage without him ? She depended on him for so many things since his dad died . He couldn 't leave her to manage on her own , but he couldn 't think of any way to keep it from happening . He thought about running away and hiding , but they might keep coming back and , eventually , they 'd find him . And they might do something terrible to his mom if he disappeared . " Mom ! What are you doing ? You said we can 't afford that sausage anymore . We 're going to be eating beans and rice the rest of the month to make up - . Oh ! " The pain went through him again and his knees went so weak he was afraid he 'd fall down . The words came bursting out , an agonizing flood that he couldn 't hold back any longer . " I can 't leave you , Mom . You 'll be all alone . Who 's going to help you if your asthma gets worse , or you get sick ? Who 's going to fix the sink if it leaks again ? Those people … they don 't understand that I can 't go , no matter how important they think it is . I 'll talk to them when they come . I 'll explain everything and they 'll go away and leave us alone . " " Hush now . " Carrie 's arms were around him , and he clung to her as if it was the last time . " They probably know everything about us , not just your schooling . They 're not going to listen . They 've been watching you for years , without us even knowing , and now they want you . You heard what Mrs . Kinney said . The government needs good minds , and you have a marvelous mind . They 'll educate you and then you 'll find work that can help make this world better . That isn 't such a bad thing , is it ? " Linden shook his head frantically . " I don 't care about that , Mom . I just want to stay home with you . And I want to finish high school , even if most of my classes are boring and my teachers are idiots . " Linden usually hated it when his mother called him Baby , but this time it sank into him with such warmth and sweetness that he nearly cried . It reminded him how she always tried to find some good in whatever happened , no matter how bad it was . The only time he 'd known her to fail was when his dad was killed at work . For a little while , he thought she 'd accepted it , but when she finally broke down , he 'd realized she just hadn 't absorbed the truth , that his dad wasn 't ever coming home , that they would never see him again . She 'd clung to him for a long time after that , hardly letting him out of her sight whenever he was home . When he left for school each day , he 'd look back from way down the block and see her standing on the stoop , watching him walk away from her . He couldn 't go , and that was that . He was afraid of what she might do if he left her alone . They 'd never talked about it , but he 'd known that she wanted to die back then , during that awful time . This wouldn 't be the same , but he would be older and different when he came home for a visit . And she would be different too . Even if she was okay and managed without him , it would change her . But she 'd already changed , hadn 't she ? He 'd never have his mother back again , just the way she 'd been before they were left alone to take care of each other . The silly things she loved to say were mostly gone . She avoided talking about things that really mattered . Right now she was more like her old self , telling him it would be okay , that they 'd find a way to make it okay . This wouldn 't be okay though , not ever . How could he let their little family be torn apart and make something good out of it ? " Linden , please don 't . You know you 'll get upset , and that will make me upset , and then , when you have to go , that 's how we 'll both remember it . It 's breaking my heart , but I 'm trying to look at it the way Mrs . Kinney said , that it 's an honor . You were chosen because you 're so brilliant . You 're special . I 've always known it . Now someone else does . " Her pleas were weakening Linden 's resolve , but he shook his head . " I don 't care if it 's supposed to be an honor . They can let someone else have it . " Carrie let him go , took a step back , and sighed . " Let 's not talk about it now . I fixed everything you like , and you need to eat instead of working yourself into a tizzy . Please . " " It wasn 't that much . " She looked almost happy now . " I bought plain ground pork and added the spices . I wasn 't sure how it would work out , but it 's almost like real sausage , isn 't it ? I wanted to surprise you . Is it really good ? " " It 's great . I don 't know how you do that - make ordinary stuff into something that tastes so expensive . Now we can have it more often . " He dropped his fork as his words came back at him like a physical blow . When he looked up , he saw the misery in his mother 's face . There wouldn 't be any more meals like this . He stood up , kicked his chair back and ran up to his room . This can 't be happening . This can 't be happening . The words rolled around in his head until he fell asleep , his pillow soaking up the last of his tears . It was still there when he woke up the next morning : this can 't be happening . Only two days remained before his life was over . Misery swamped him and he pulled the covers over his head . This can 't be happening . This can 't be happening . But it is . He threw the covers back and sat up . He was still determined to fight when the time came , but if he spent the last two days making them both miserable , he 'd always regret it . Even if he had to put on an act , he 'd try to make his mom feel better about the honor . He didn 't want her last memories of him , for however long before they saw each other again , to be a sour face and complaints . When he padded into the kitchen , still barefoot and in his pajamas , and saw her face , he knew he 'd made the right decision . The dark circles under her eyes and the tight lines around her mouth reminded him of that day . The cup of coffee she was holding reminded him of his first and only taste of real coffee . His dad had splurged and bought her a quarter pound of the real stuff for her birthday . Linden had been allowed a sip and had reacted with disgust . How could something that smelled so wonderful taste so awful ? His mom and dad had both laughed at him . What was in her cup now wasn 't the real stuff . It didn 't even smell like it . He wished he could buy her some before he left . But even if he had the money , where would he buy it ? Months ago , there had been a news story about how almost all the coffee trees in the world were dead now , of some disease they didn 't know how to stop . Two big corporations had bought up every bean that had been produced for the last few years . Now only rich people could afford real coffee . There were other things you couldn 't get in grocery stores anymore , but that was the only one he really cared about . And chocolate . " Morning , Mom . What do you want to do today ? " He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek . " Let 's do something we 'll both enjoy . I promise , no more moaning and complaining . If I have to go , I 'll do my best to make you proud of me . " He wanted to turn his face away , afraid she 'd see right through the lie , but he let her look her fill , and was finally rewarded with a small smile . " Well , then , how about real eggs ? " A smile spread over her face . " Mrs . Compton 's chickens are laying well right now , and she sold me a half dozen . " " Really real ? " Linden threw his arms around her again , and the hug she returned made him want to never let go . " The good sausage last night and real eggs today - it 's going to be harder than ever to leave . " He tried to make it sound like a joke , but couldn 't quite manage it . " Right , " Carrie said . " Promise you 'll let me know as soon as you get there . Or as soon as you can . I guess that 's one of the things you 'll have to find out about - keeping in touch . And vacations . " " What friends , Mom ? I 'm one of the outies . Besides , if anybody even noticed I wasn 't in classes , they 'd just think I had a cold or something . " Linden laughed at the idea . " She isn 't a friend . She doesn 't even like me . I think she hates that I can write A papers and she can 't do better than a C - . Mr . Shaw assigned us to work together , otherwise , she probably wouldn 't come near me . " He shrugged . He wished she hadn 't brought it up . It was too late for it to matter , and it was the kind of thing that just made her sad . " There wasn 't anything to talk about . You couldn 't have done anything about it . It isn 't anybody 's fault . It 's just me . I 'm not super friendly , and I don 't like the things they like , so they think I 'm a snob . " Carrie sighed and took his hand . " I don 't know , sweetheart . Maybe going away to this college will be a good thing . If everybody 's picked for their brains , maybe you 'll find some friends there . " She patted his hand absent - mindedly . " It doesn 't make up for you being dragged away like this , but if some good can come out of it … " She sighed again . " I just feel so helpless ? " " I know , Mom . But it will be okay once I get used to it . " It was one more lie , but if it made her feel better , he 'd lie from the time he got up in the morning until he went to bed . The last evening was the hardest . They watched a movie that they 'd seen more times than they could count , but that always made them laugh . Linden lay with his head in his mother 's lap , and was horrified when his laughter turned to hysterical tears . Carrie brushed her fingers through his hair , over and over , making soft shushing noises and murmuring , " It 's okay love , it 's okay . Just cry it out . We 'll be together again , maybe soon . The holidays are only a few months away . " When he could finally find the breath for speech , he tried to apologize . " I wanted it to be nice this evening . And I 'm too old to be crying , anyway . " " I am too old . I 'm almost 16 , " Linden protested , and felt a movement against his head that , if he 'd looked , would have been Carrie trying not to laugh . But he would also have seen tears threatening to spill down her cheeks . They were still at the breakfast table when the knock at the door came . Linden had been picking at his food , hating to waste it , but too tied up in knots to tolerate either the smell or the taste . His heart began to pound heavily and he felt like he might vomit . Carrie put her fork down and got up from the table , very slowly , as if she was in a daze . Another knock and Linden jumped up , trying to put himself between his mother and the door . Carrie took him by the shoulders and gently moved him aside . " You promised , Linden . Don 't make this harder than it has to be , please . " The words had no life behind them , just like the last time she 'd sounded like this - after his father 's death . " I 'll let them in , Mom . Stay here . " He wanted to tell her it would be all right , but he couldn 't get this last lie out of his mouth . He nodded and backed away from the door , right into his mother . He leaned into her as she put her hands firmly on his shoulders . " You 're here to take my son away from me ? " Linden was surprised to hear anger in her voice , rather than sorrow or pleading . The man closest to Linden flushed slightly . " I 'm sorry , m ' am . Those are our orders . " Then , to Linden , " It 's time to go , son . " Linden 's arguments , the protests he 'd intended , died . These men had no power to change anything , he realized . He was just a job they 'd been given . He turned and buried his face in Carrie 's shoulder . Wrapping her arms around him , she held him tight . " Mom , " he murmured , his voice shaking . " Mom . " He couldn 't find any more words . " Go on , Sweetheart . You 'll be fine . I 'll be fine . Make me proud . I know your dad would be so proud of you if he could be here . " A large hand on his shoulder pulled him gently but steadily away from her . " Let 's go , young man . We have a plane to catch . " He didn 't really know how it happened , but they were suddenly halfway to a black car parked by the curb before he turned around for a last look . Carrie was standing on the stoop , her face blank , her hands gripping her upper arms as if she was holding herself together . When she saw Linden look back , she lifted one hand and waved to him . Then he was being pushed into the back seat of the car . With a soldier on each side of him , the car glided quietly away from everything he had ever known . March 5 , 2017 Just a reminder ( I did mention it before , didn 't I ? ) that the version of Privileged Lives I 'm posting isn 't quite the final one . Very close , but not finished . And an invitation , in case I didn 't mention that , comments , questions , and criticisms are welcome . I meant to post another section yesterday , but forgot about until late in the evening . Does anyone see a pattern here ? Maybe I 'll put up two today . After all , there 's nothing like swamping readers . I 'm currently engrossed in reading The Lucifer Effect , by Philip Zimbardo . It 's a long book and is turning out to be possibly critical to another book that I might possibly write some day . As a confirmation of my belief that humans are a basically flawed species that is failing Mother Nature 's grand experiment it 's extremely depressing . I 'm about halfway through and looking forward to the hopeful conclusions he says are coming at the end of the book . Frankly though , I believe whatever hope he has is as delusional as the many delusions about ourselves that his Stanford Prison Study reveals . The man stepped back and was brushed aside by another soldier . " Bennett Sanders ? " Bennett nodded and his protest was cut off before it began . " From now on , you 'll do as you 're told and speak when you 're given permission . Is that clear ? " " Oh , for God 's sake . " Bennett gave up , frustrated . Arguing wasn 't going to get him anywhere . " Hey ! What are you doing with my stuff ? " " It is personal . My whole life is on it . My writing . Everything . I can 't just leave it here . Someone might steal it while I 'm gone . " The soldier who seemed to be in charge grinned . " You aren 't going to have any time for writing , believe me . And I wouldn 't count on coming back . " The bald statement hit Bennett like a fist . It was the difference between speculating about something that might never happen , and being faced with the reality . But he couldn 't lose his computer . " If I 'm not coming back , then I have to take it . " When he reached out for it , his hand was knocked away . The soldier snatched the computer from the couch and dropped it on the floor . While Bennett watched , horrified , he slammed his boot heel into it . " Okay , take it with you . " Bennett backed away . This wasn 't happening . It couldn 't be happening . It felt like one of those videos where soldiers broke into houses in far off countries and destroyed stuff randomly - just because they could . What could he say ? Half his life had just been destroyed , right in front of his eyes . Bennett stared blankly at the soldier , his mind numbed by everything that had happened in the last half hour . " No ? Okay , let 's stop playing around . Keep your mouth shut and put everything back in . Let 's go , let 's go ! " Do they seriously think I 'm going to try to escape ? Walking to the truck , his duffle slung over his shoulder , a soldier walked on each side of him with another one following . He climbed in and found he wasn 't the first one to be collected . The truck was half full already . Bennett sat on one of the benches and dropped his bag between his feet . The three soldiers who 'd brought him out were already gone , undoubtedly on their way to another capture . I 've been captured . By the enemy . With the loss of his computer , everything of importance to him had been abruptly stripped away . He felt himself slipping into a new mindset : a prisoner . Maybe if the asshole hadn 't crushed it underfoot , it wouldn 't have been so bad , but that one act , so deliberate in its arrogance and power , made him wonder if it was the model for what he had to expect from now on . He couldn 't even summon up any more indignation . He closed his eyes and let himself drift , aware , but not really paying attention as more men climbed into the truck . For a little while , at least , it had nothing to do with him . The voice was almost simultaneous with the truck 's back gate being slammed shut . The sudden noise jerked Bennet back into the present . Two soldiers with rifles occupied the seats next to the tailgate , their weapons held to block anyone trying to approach it . Bennett thought it was unlikely that anyone would try . It wasn 't just the rifles . He 'd be surprised if there was anyone not in a state of shock . He let his glance slide over the faces of the men opposite him . Shock and fear . That 's really all it took . Had he tripped the one soldier 's temper , or was intimidation a standard part of the operation ? He looked out the back just in time to catch a last glimpse of his house , already looking abandoned . They hadn 't even given him time to lock the door behind him . Did it matter ? If anyone wanted to get in and the door was locked , all they 'd have to do was smash it in . What he 'd seen in old newsreels of foreign occupations , and bad movies had given him only a glimpse of the possibilities . He looked down at his duffle and let his eyes roam over the collection of backpacks , suitcases , and even a plastic garbage bag , that the other men had brought with them . It was possible that this was now all any of them owned . His mind refused to go any further with such speculations . He took a deep breath , closed his eyes again , and leaned back against the wall of the truck . He hadn 't given any thought about where they might be going , and when the truck stopped in the high school parking lot and they were ordered out , he found himself only mildly curious . It was an unexpected destination , but at least it wasn 't an open field surrounded by barbed wire , and he was grateful that his memory had waited to bring up that particular image . They were herded through the front door , accompanied by a contingent of armed soldiers that had been stationed by the front entrance . There were no rifles in sight now , but the soldiers all wore sidearms , and Bennett had the vague thought that he should be worried about it . As they trudged up the stairs to the second floor , the familiarity of his surroundings warred with the strangeness of the circumstances . He 'd taught in some of the classrooms that they passed as they were escorted along the hallway . He straightened up from the slouch he 'd fallen into and looked around . Most of the doors were open . In In every room , cots , each one with a pillow and a folded blanket at the foot , took the place of desks . They stopped at room 206 , and all Bennett could think about was that he 'd never taught a class in this room . " Okay , men , " someone said , as they filed in . " Pick a cot and put your belongings under it . The rules are on the blackboard . You 're free to walk around on this floor . The stairwells are guarded , so don 't even think about trying to leave . You 're here to work , and the daily assignments will be posted on the blackboard last thing every evening . You 'll be taken down to the cafeteria for meals . Lunch is in a couple of hours , so I hope you have good appetites . " The soldier grinned at them . " We 'll be taking attendance every morning when you get up , when you come back from work , and before lights out . It 's gonna be just like school , kiddies . " And then the soldiers were gone . Most of the men , Bennett included , stood like abandoned objects , the decision of which cot to choose momentarily too difficult . Bennett shook himself , scrunched his shoulders up and down , and headed for the row at the back of the room . He dropped his duffle , shoved it under the cot closest to the windows , and sat down . So this is it . We 're workers . The questions started popping up . What kind of workers do they need ? All I know how to do is teach . Will they care , or do we just get assigned randomly ? He shut it off . Too many questions and no way to get any answers . Yet . He 'd be patient . There really wasn 't any choice . Be patient or go crazy . Lunch was a typical school food . Had the cooks also been absorbed into the R & C world ? If so , meals weren 't going to be anything to look forward to . But he didn 't hear any complaints . It occurred to him that they 'd all been pretty quiet . But that couldn 't last . Once everyone had gotten over the shock and absorbed the current reality , they 'd probably start complaining and trying to figure out what the hell was going on . After lunch , they went back upstairs to room 206 , 14 very subdued men , accompanied , just as they had been going down , by two armed soldiers . Bennett came to the conclusion , not a difficult exercise , that the only time they wouldn 't be under guard was when they were in this room . Crappy food or not , the meal seemed to have brought a few of the men back from wherever they 'd gone into hiding in their heads , and a couple of conversations started up as soon as they were left to themselves . There was no way not to listen in , and Bennett tried to pick up any information he could . But the talk was mostly questions and complaints , just as he 'd figured . , They were all desperate to know what was going to happen to them , but nobody had anything to offer except guesses . As a conversation near him came to a limping halt , one of the men lay down on his cot , his arm over his eyes . The other one wandered over to Bennett and stuck out his hand . " Any idea what the hell 's going on here ? " Grodin shifted back and forth and Bennett noticed that his hands were clenching and unclenching . He hoped the guy was just nervous and not looking for a fight . He probably outweighed Bennett by about 80 pounds and looked like he worked out regularly . Bennett shook his head . " If you read that paper they dropped off , you know as much as I do . All I can do is guess , just like everyone else . We 'll be working . That can be a good thing or a bad thing . At least we won 't be sitting around twiddling our thumbs . " " Yeah . I get antsy if I 'm not moving . You know ? D ' you think there 's any chance of getting out of here ? I mean out of town . My ex is expecting me to visit my daughter this weekend . She 's gonna be pissed when I don 't show up . " " Are you talking about escaping ? Not a good idea . Remember that stuff about necessary force ? I wouldn 't be surprised if that means a bullet in the head . " Bennett couldn 't believe he was having this conversation . Grodin was lacking something upstairs , for sure . " They 're military . I 'd guess that if they 're carrying guns , they 're loaded . With live ammunition . " Grodin nodded , looking sad . " Not much point in trying to see my daughter if it 's just gonna get me shot . " He wandered off to a cot on the other side of the room , and Bennett gave a sigh of relief . He lay down with his back to the room , hoping that would be enough to discourage any more attempts at conversation . He drifted in and out of a light doze , coming alert at the sound of a large number of feet . Turning over , he saw two newcomers , and two soldiers on their way out the door . The new men stood there for a minute , looking just as lost as he and the rest of the first batch had been , before claiming the remaining cots . He hadn 't bothered to count the cots , but now he saw that there were 16 of them . He tried to remember how many rooms there were on this floor . Was every unattached man in the town going to be housed here ? Sooner or later , he hoped , he 'd run into someone he knew and would actually be willing to spend some time with . But right now , he just wanted to be left alone . He rolled back onto his side and shut his eyes . " What the … ? " Bennett struggled out of a dream in which someone outside was yelling , into a day in which someone was yelling , even louder . " It 's Saturday . Can 't a guy be allowed to sleep ? " He groaned , and his feet hit the floor as his hand reached for the clock . " Seven o ' clock ? Can 't be . Why 's it so dark ? " He pulled his robe on , staggered to the window , and opened the blind . No wonder it looked almost like the middle of the night . He still hadn 't managed to accustom himself to autumn 's shorter days ; and now this . It was drizzling and the solid gray overcast said this wasn 't going to be a beautiful day . Another not - beautiful day . And the idiot who 'd woke him up was still at at it . Probably a drunk just getting home from a beer brawl . He stumbled into the living room , his body not yet really awake . The curtain over the front window defied him for a moment , but with a bit of fumbling , he managed to get it open . The view from the front of the house wasn 't any more cheerful . And the noise was even louder now , tearing apart what should have been a peaceful Saturday morning . He was beginning to pick out some words when he saw where the noise was coming from - a jeep parked halfway down the block . Right in the middle of the street , too . " Who the hell do they think they are ? " His ears and eyes seemed to come into focus at the same time , and a little thrill of alarm hit him . Big red letters on the back end of the jeep said ' R & C ' . The noise was coming through a megaphone held by a uniformed man in the jeep . Before Bennett could start processing the fragments of information , a sharp knock at the door forced a startled groan out of him . " Right ! I can see this is going to be a great day . At least they could have waited until I 'd had my first cup of coffee . Hold on a sec , will you ? " he yelled . He opened the door just in time to see a man - another uniformed man , cut across his lawn and head for the next house . What the hell is with those uniforms ? And he couldn 't wait for someone to answer the door ? He started to close the door , shaking his head in irritation , and happened to look down . On the mat was a sheet of paper , already damp and starting to wrinkle . He picked it up and looked around the neighborhood . He noticed now that the man - a soldier ? - had a stack of the things and was going from house to house , dropping them off . Ken Hanson , his next - door neighbor , was standing on his porch , holding one , looking puzzled . Up and down the block , people were watching from their front room windows , or standing in their doorways , looking puzzled or angry . Ken noticed him and frowned , waving the sheet of paper . Bennett raised his shoulders in a ' don 't know ' shrug and went back inside . Saturday mornings had been blessedly peaceful lately , thanks to the grass that had stopped growing , or had up and died in the summer heat and drought . There was no longer any reason for obnoxious neighbors to bounce out of bed at the crack of dawn and crank up their lawnmowers . It was too good to last . Bennett tossed the paper in the general direction of the coffee table , and went to put the coffee on . He would have killed for a cup of real coffee , but he couldn 't afford it anymore , except as an occasional treat . He measured out the coffee substitute and the water and sat down at the kitchen table , waiting for the pot to do its thing . He put his head in his hands , wishing he was still asleep , then jumped up , remembering the mysterious paper waiting to be read . He went back to the living room , almost fully awake now , but feeling the full impact of having been jerked out his sleep . The crumpled paper was face down on the floor . Bennett Picked it up , turned it over , read the big , bold letters at the top , and flopped down on the couch in shock . " Martial law ? What the hell happened ? " Bennett muttered . " I knew I should have watched the news last night . Don 't tell me the conspiracy nutsos finally got it right and we 've been attacked . Nah . This has to be some kind of joke . Those guys should be out fighting the real enemy , not dicking around in the suburbs . " He went to look out the window again . The men in the jeep were armed , rifles at the ready . They were certainly prepared for something , whatever it was . It wasn 't an invasion , he realized , with a sick feeling , as memories clicked in . Reclamation & Conservation was the newest branch of the military . He 'd always had the feeling , watching the clips and listening to interviews with R & C officers , that it was all propaganda , covering up something that would turn out to be unpleasant if the truth ever got out . Like just about everything that passed for news these days . He started to read the rest of the sheet , just as the coffee maker beeped . He took the paper with him to the kitchen and laid it on the table , face down again . He didn 't really want to know what it said . As long as he didn 't read it , everything would stay just like it was . The words at the top didn 't really mean anything . He could still hear the voice , but more faintly now . They must have moved on down the street . Were there jeeps on other streets , and soldiers dropping those papers off in other neighborhoods ? He wasn 't going to think about it without at least one cup of coffee under his belt . But two cups later , he still wasn 't ready . He got dressed , went back to the living room , and looked out the window to see if there was any activity . Everything looked just as it normally would on a rainy morning . Except - every car was still parked in the driveways . Earl Baker usually took off for the bakery first thing every Saturday morning . The guy claimed that he couldn 't start his weekend without fresh bagels . But his car was still there . Bennett hadn 't heard the old rattletrap starting up , and there was no way to sleep through that , so Earl hadn 't already gone and come back . A couple of the neighbors usually worked on Saturdays , and their cars were still sitting there . A sick feeling gathered in his gut . He turned around and looked at the paper still lying on the kitchen table . He had to read it sometime . " Martial law , " he said out loud . The words still hadn 't lost their shock value . He made himself go back to the kitchen and pick the damn thing up . He skimmed rapidly over what was beginning to look like the end of his life , of everything he knew . The news programs had concentrated on the reclamation and restoration part , but there was more that they 'd tried to pretend wasn 't that interesting or important . Sure , its mission was reclaiming land for reforestation and farming , like they said . But once in a while , a nosey newsperson asked enough uncomfortable questions that a few more unimportant details came out . To carry out its mission , R & C had the authority to move people out of far - flung suburbs and small towns and resettle them in more heavily populated areas . That 's what reclamation really meant . After all , you couldn 't reclaim land that somebody was sitting on . R & C could also draft anyone it needed to work in the achievement of its goals . And who knew what the hell that meant ? Reporters ' attempts to find out were simply brushed aside . Is that what 's happening ? It can 't be . Not here . Not in Cypressville ! ' All roads in and out of Cypressville are now closed . No one will be allowed to come in to the town , or leave . Attempts to leave will be met with all necessary force . Stay in your homes until you are given further instructions . ' It 's an occupying force , Bennett realized . We 've been occupied ! It had been so easy to turn off the TV and forget about it . But this isn 't TV and I can 't turn it off . On and on , the horror went , in small print . Including the part that told him he was going to be a participant , whether he wanted to be or not . ' All single men are to pack one bag with clothes and personal necessities , and wait to be picked up . ' Bennett shuddered . Picked up for what purpose ? He suddenly understood the terror of people whose countries were occupied by foreign forces . But these were his own countrymen ! It couldn 't be that bad . It couldn 't be happening at all , some part of him screamed . He thought about just refusing to pack , refusing to cooperate . Then he remembered the rifles . Martial law meant that anyone who refused to cooperate could be arrested . Would they even bother with court martials ? For non - military citizens ? Did necessary force mean they 'd just take you out and shoot you ? It would be stupid to take that chance , he decided . Better to wait and see what was really happening , and deal with things as they come up . But sweet reason was having a hard time coping with such an outrageous impossibility . " This can 't be happening ! " Bennett moaned . He was a citizen of the United States . He shouldn 't have to think about things like whether to resist and whether that could get him shot . Is this what 's been happening in all those places they 've shown , where R & C is planting trees and ploughing fields ? He could understand claiming any open spaces where trees and food could be grown , but why boot people out of their homes and move them somewhere else ? That just didn 't make sense . It made sense to put able - bodied people to work . They needed people to help them get the job done . But it would just be temporary , wouldn 't it ? The more Bennett thought about it , the stronger his sense of relief became . Sure , after the work was done , he 'd come back home . And then it hit him . Relocation . What if they weren 't here just to collect workers ? What if Cypressville was going to be reclaimed ? There would be nothing for him to come back to . Everybody would be gone , their houses empty . He jumped up from the couch and rushed to the bathroom . He made it , just in time to spew out the two cups of coffee and whatever was left in his stomach from last night 's supper . Shaking and as cold as if the temperature around him had dropped twenty degrees , he knelt by the toilet , trying to find something to make all this not be true . A little later , he sat at the kitchen table , listening to the coffee maker 's familiar sounds as it pumped out fresh brew . He thought about the price of real coffee , about all the foods he 'd had to stop buying because they were too expensive for him to afford any more , luxury items for the rich . He thought about all the things he knew and had tried to ignore , and all the things that the government was probably hiding . There was no room for denial any more . Things had to be a lot worse than anybody had let on if the army could come into a town and declare martial law . He 'd imagined his future as an unexciting but familiar continuation of the path he 'd followed for the last few years . Instead , it was now a dark hole full of uncertainties . Mentally , he walked through his little house , cataloging his possessions , none of which would be worth much to anyone else . What would happen to his home and his belongings while he was gone ? Would he be coming back , and if not , where would he go after it was all over ? He 'd never tried to imagine himself as a displaced person , but it now seemed possible that might be part of the unknowable future . People were displaced by war , by drought , by the coastal flooding that came with the rising oceans . But they weren 't displaced by their own government . Not in America . Wasn 't it one of the sacred maxims of this country that people were safe from arbitrary disruptions of their lives ? That they were safe in their homes ? As he sat there , Bennett started remembering news stories about doors smashed down and people dragged out of their beds in the middle of the night . That had been going on for years . People would get indignant , but it was always explained as an unfortunate mistake , an innocent person with the same name as someone wanted by the police , a wrong address . Sometime there was apologies , but not always . After a while , it hardly even made the news . He scrambled two eggs and poured a cup of coffee . But when he sat down at the table , his stomach threatened to revolt again . He scraped the eggs into the garbage , poured the coffee into the sink , and went into the living room , too numb to make any decisions . He didn 't know how long he 'd sat there , his head in his hands , when the rumble of a vehicle brought him to his feet . A truck , its back roofed over with canvas , came to a stop in almost exactly the same spot where the jeep had been . Half a dozen soldiers got out and spread out along the sidewalks , while two soldiers with rifles at the ready stood by the back . " Oh God , it 's really happening ! " Bennett ran to the bedroom and pulled his old duffle out of the closet . " One bag ? What can I squeeze in besides clothes ? Damn it ! Why are they doing this ? " He grabbed a random assortment of clothes out of the closet and drawers , toiletries from the bathroom , and found that , thank goodness , there was enough room for his laptop . His half - finished novel was on there , and on a memory stick that he grabbed and stuck in his pocket . He could still squeeze in some books , but there wasn 't much time to make up his mind what to take . Suddenly , there was no time at all . He heard a knock at the front door and a shouted " Open up , Sanders . " His heart skipped a beat , then started to race . They knew his name . They must know everybody 's name , then . And where they 'd be . He grabbed the duffle and dropped it by the couch on his way to the door . Linden rolled over and looked at the clock . He 'd been awake since before daylight was beginning to show , thinking about what had happened yesterday , how it just wasn 't possible for someone to change his whole life without even asking him . Like a giant hand reaching down out of the sky and just picking him up and carrying him away . Like aliens . They 'd stopped talking about it yesterday when neither of them could find anything more to say . But Linden refused to accept it . He wasn 't going to let himself be carted off by strangers to some college , who knew where . Not that he even cared where it was . Frustration and anger washed over him again , and then he gasped . Why hadn 't he thought of it yesterday ? He scrambled out of bed , threw on the same clothes he 'd worn yesterday , and with only a stop to empty his bladder , tore down the stairs to the kitchen . " Mom , you have to call the school right now and make an appointment with Mrs . Kinney . We have to talk to her today . Don 't let anybody put you off because this is really , really important . " " Your counselor ? " Carrie flipped a pancake and put down the spatula . She looked Linden over with a disapproving eye . " You didn 't change your clothes and you haven 't brushed your hair . Did you even bother to wash up ? You can 't go to school that way . " " Mom ! " What was wrong with her ? She was acting like this was just a normal day . " What 's the point of going to school if I only have three more days ? Look , maybe Mrs . Kinney knows what this is all about . She has to know something . Wouldn 't they have talked to her ? She can tell us how I can get out of it , tell them I don 't want it . Call , please . Right now ! " " I don 't know , but if there 's anybody that can , it has to be her . We have to try . Call her , Mom . " Linden was hot and sweaty by the time they got to the school . His eyes were dry and itchy and his throat was sore . He bet that nobody was going to be going outside for phys ed today . There must have been an air alert , but neither of them had thought to turn on the news . It felt strange to be walking down this hallway with its familiar smells and sounds , knowing that it could be the very last time . It was just as strange to be here with his mom because that hadn 't happened since Mr . Charles had finally lost his temper and insisted on a parent - teacher conference . The strangeness grew when Gus , the security guard , had made them wait outside until he got the okay from the office . He 'd scanned Linden 's ID three times before shaking his head . Apologizing to Carrie for the delay , he said , " I can 't let anybody in without proper ID , Mrs . Thomas , even if I know them . You don 't have one , and Linden 's isn 't coming up . Must be some kind of glitch . Just the rules , you understand . Nothing to do with you , personally . " " Nothing . It 's just the chip . I 'm not used to that kind of thing . I always forget you have one , and I don 't like to be reminded . " " You know why . You 're not a lost pet . The chips made it easier for them to be identified so their owners could be notified . It isn 't right for it to be used on people . Why do you even ask , Linden ? We 've been around and around about it . " Except for the initial pain when the chip had been injected , it had never bothered him . It had been there since he was in the fourth grade . He hadn 't understood why his mother made such a big stink when the school board voted for them , and it didn 't make any sense for her to still be upset about it . Practically everybody was chipped . The only reason she never had been was because she didn 't have a regular job . She babysat for the neighbors once in a while , but that wasn 't something that required you to be chipped . He shrugged and knocked at the side of the counselor 's open door . Carrie hadn 't given a reason when she called for the appointment , but Mrs . Kinney knew why they were there ; he was sure of it . He 'd catalogued all her smiles , most of them phony , but this one was the worst , and she flicked her eyes away from him too fast . She was nervous , the way she always was when he said something that he knew would throw her off - balance . Carrie didn 't return Mrs . Kinney 's smile . She laid the envelope on the desk and pushed it toward the woman . " We both have a problem . Would you look at these papers , please , and tell us what you know about this scholarship ? " Mrs . Kinney 's lips thinned . Carrie 's attitude offended her , and Linden was glad . Carrie had a way of doing that to people if she got angry enough . He saw the slight hesitation as Mrs . Kinney reached for the envelope . She shook the papers out and barely looked at them before raising her eyes to Carrie . " I don 't understand why this is a problem , Mrs . Thomas . Linden is to be congratulated on being accepted to Merriman . The school is highly selective , and he 's only the second of our students to make the grade since the program began . " " Where is this Merriman College located , Mrs . Kinney ? We can 't find an address anywhere in these papers . Not even in the letterhead . How do we know it 's real ? And why would these people , whoever they are , just snatch Linden out of his school and away from his home ? It says he can 't refuse to go . How is that possible ? Isn 't this a free country anymore ? " Carrie 's voice got louder with each question , and her face was flushed . " Mrs . Thomas , please . " Mrs Kinney patted the air as if that would have a calming effect . " One thing at a time . I 'll try to address your concerns , but I have to tell you that I don 't know everything about the program , and there are things I 'm simply not allowed to tell you . What I can tell you , which may alleviate some of your anxiety , is that the scholarship is quite legitimate . It 's a government program , after all . " " I know it 's a government program . At least that 's what I read , but I couldn 't believe it . How can you even approve of something like that ? My own government wants to take my son away from me ! He 's just a youngster . They can 't possibly have any interest in him . " Mrs Kinney smiled . " That 's where you 're wrong . They 're very interested in him . In fact , they 've been following his academic progress for several years . " " The government 's been spying on me ? " Linden burst out . " What right do they have ? " He clutched the arms of his chair as if he 'd like to tear them off . " Linden , it wasn 't spying . And they do have the right to track students . Especially since they 're the reason you and your classmates have been taking all those extra tests for the last three years . The government needs good minds , and it isn 't willing to depend on luck to find them . Our country 's problems are too serious . That 's how it was explained to me . The testing program is used in schools all over the country . I don 't know where Merriman College is , and probably wouldn 't be allowed to tell you if I did know , but the program is legitimate . Merriman is a real college with a real program for elite students . " " How is that supposed to make me feel better ? " Linden was close to tears . The trap was closing and he knew that none of his arguments would force it open . He knew that now . But he couldn 't just give in . " So they think there 's something special about me . So what ? Does that mean I don 't have any rights any more ? I still have a year and a half of school . I don 't even know if I want to go to college . I told you that a dozen times . " He stopped dead , glaring at the woman . " That 's why you 've been nagging at me to get my grades up . " He didn 't even notice that she stiffened with disapproval at his words . " Is it a prestige thing for the school ? You were afraid they wouldn 't take me ? " He stood up , his fists clenched , ignoring Carrie 's gentle tug at his hand . " Well , you can just find a way to get me out of this . Tell them I won 't go . I won 't cooperate if they take me . Tell them I 'll kill myself first . I don 't care what you tell them . " " Calm down , Linden . I 'm not going to tell them anything . I haven 't been given any details , but I do know that the program is a matter of national security . Instead of making a big fuss about it , you should be proud you 've been chosen . Where is your sense of patriotism ? " Linden snorted . " I guess I lost it when I got that stuff . " He looked at the envelope still lying on her desk and then at the clock on the side wall . " I 've already missed two classes because of this . I 'm going to my psych class . It 'll be okay , Mom . She got me into this and she 's going to get me out . All she has to do is tell them that I won 't cooperate - ever . Go home and stop worrying . " " Whether you cooperate or not , and I doubt that you 'll be allowed any of your usual rebellious attitude , you 're still going . I hope that you 'll eventually understand how important this is . " She gathered the papers together , put them back in the envelope and held it out to Carrie . " Go home with your mother . You 've already been withdrawn from school . You 're no longer a student here . " She held out her hand . " I need your ID . Now , Linden . " He stared at her in disbelief , then down at the piece of plastic hanging from the lanyard around his neck . Now he understood why Gus 's scans hadn 't worked . Very slowly , he lifted the lanyard over his head . He laid it in Mrs . Kinney 's hand , suppressing the urge to throw it at her , and watched her open a drawer , drop his identity in and shut it away . " I 'm sorry this is making you so unhappy , Linden . I wish I could change things for you , but there 's absolutely nothing I can do . You have to start thinking about the good side . It 's an honor , and you 're going to get the very best possible education . I know you wouldn 't have been able to go to college without a scholarship . Well , here it is . I 'm very glad for you , and I wish you all the best . " Linden turned away from the desk , willing himself not to have heard any of that . He shook his head . " No . " He was running out of air . There was a strange buzzing in his ears and he was starting to feel dizzy . " Linden ! " Suddenly his mother was holding him in her arms , protecting him from something , but he wasn 't sure what . " Linden , honey . Look at me . " He looked up into her face and everything came rushing back , and with it a pain that was unlike anything he 'd ever felt . It was sharp and it stabbed him right down to his bones . He was afraid he was going to start crying , right there in his counselor 's office . February 25 , 2017 " Hey , Mom . I 'm home . You in the kitchen ? " Linden let the door slam shut behind him and cringed . She 'd probably chew him out about that . He dropped his backpack on the floor and followed his nose to the kitchen . " Something smells good . Oatmeal raisin cookies ? How did you know I was wanting those ? It 's been just about forever . " Carrie Thomas smiled at her gangling son and uncovered the heaping plate of cookies . " Yes , it has . It 's the first time in a while the store has had raisins , and there were only a few boxes . The price has gone up again , so I just got one box . They have to last , so try not to make a pig of yourself . Okay ? " " Okay . " Linden poured himself a glass of milk from the fridge , sat down , and grabbed a handful of cookies . " What 's all that stuff ? " He nodded toward the papers spread out in front of his mother , and stuffed half a cookie in his mouth . Linden washed the cookie down with a swallow of milk and peered at his mother , a line of worry between his eyes . He wasn 't sure what to ask first . Her expression was … strange . He didn 't like the smile she had on now , as if there was something she didn 't want to say . Linden glared at her back , annoyed . " Mom . We agreed that we wouldn 't get into the college thing yet . I still don 't know if I even want to go . You didn 't send in an application , did you ? Without telling me ? " He thought about it , frowning . " No . You couldn 't have . I 'd have to fill in all kinds of stuff for myself . That 's what Jen told me . They want to know what your ambitions are in life , the important stuff you did in school , like be the president of some silly club , all that junk . " " I wouldn 't do that to you anyway , Linden . " Carrie didn 't turn away from the sink . " It just came … I mean it was delivered . By a man . In some kind of uniform . " She moved the few steps from the sink to the table , dabbing at her hands with a towel , then bunching it up as if she didn 't know what to do with it . Her expression scared him . The fake smile was gone , but now she looked almost the way she 'd looked at his dad 's funeral . Whatever was in those papers , it couldn 't be as bad as her face said it was . He had to straighten this out . " Are you sure the guy had the right house ? " As soon as he said it , he knew it was a stupid question . She wouldn 't have opened the envelope if it hadn 't been the right house . " He asked for you by name . And he knew my name . I tried to ask him what it was about , but he just handed me the envelope and walked away . I watched to see if he was going to stop anywhere else , but he got into a car parked down at the end of the block and it just drove off . " " It still has to be some kind of mistake , Mom . It wasn 't for me . They just got the name wrong . Anyway , if I did win a college scholarship , even if I don 't want it , you ought to be at least a little happy about it . Scholarships are good things , aren 't they ? " " I just don 't understand it , sweetheart . It doesn 't make sense . Maybe you can see something I 'm missing , but I don 't like what I read . It says you have to leave in three days . " Linden put down the cookie that was halfway to his mouth . " I have to leave ? In three days ? That 's crazy ! It 's the middle of the school year . Colleges don 't do that . I 've never heard of such a thing , and I bet nobody at school has , either . Nobody can make me leave if I don 't want to . " Carrie bit her lip . " I hope I read it wrong , but it does seem like you can 't refuse to go . It 's a government program , so I guess they can do whatever they want . " She stood up and hovered , looking down at the papers , and then at her son . Loss and hopelessness were written in her posture , just as they 'd been that horrible time before . Linden couldn 't bear to see her like that . He forced a laugh , but even to his own ears , it sounded false . " You must have read it wrong . They probably have some squirrely language in there . Don 't worry , I 'll figure it out and then we can throw all that stuff away and forget about it . " " It 's almost the end of the month , dear . We can 't afford real fish right now . I 'm not even sure I want to buy the real stuff any more . We had to throw out the last that I bought because it tasted so awful . Don 't you remember ? " " Oh , yeah . It almost made me barf . Fix whatever you want . I promise not to complain . I can always fill up with cookies . " He gave her a big smile , but when Carrie turned back to the sink without returning it , it slipped away . Linden looked for the envelope the papers had come in . If it was hand delivered , there probably wouldn 't be a postmark , but at least it was a place to start . But there was no return address , and his name and address were machine printed . Disappointed , he laid it aside and picked up a letter with an official - looking letterhead . It was short and to the point , and he thought it was probably like what he 'd see if he did apply to some colleges . He snorted as he skimmed over the formal language . Congratulations . Chosen for an intensive two - year program at Merriman College , which he 'd never heard of . An elite government program . Did the government run colleges ? He 'd never heard of anything like that . Very strict selection , blah , blah , blah , looking forward to having you join us . Sincerely , above an illegible signature . He hesitated between the brightly colored brochure and the sheet with ' Instructions ' written at the top . Whatever the instructions were , they weren 't for him . So the brochure first . He 'd seen a lot just like it in his counselor 's office . Too many times , as far as he was concerned . Mrs . Kinney kept calling him into her office because she seemed to think he needed pep talks . Even though he was almost at the top of his class , she kept pushing him to work harder . It was important for him to do his very best so he 'd be ready for college . It didn 't matter how many times he told her he wasn 't sure he wanted to go to college , she just kept at him . And he was only half - way through his junior year . Why was she in such a rush , anyway ? And what was the point ? There was no money to pay for college , and his grades weren 't quite good enough to get him a full scholarship . Without that , he wasn 't going anywhere , and he didn 't really care . His dad 's pension , and the amount his mom had been awarded because of the company 's negligence , kept them comfortable enough if they were careful . There was usually a little left over for a few small luxuries once in a while , but college ? That was just a dream - his mother 's dream . He could pull his grades if he worked a little harder , but Mrs . Kinney 's nagging just made him want to push back and let them drop instead . His chest ached every time he thought about why they were so poor . Even if the settlement could have paid for two college degrees , it would never make up for losing his dad . He 'd never said anything to his mother , and certainly not to Mrs . Kinney , but half the reason he really didn 't care about going to college was that his mom needed him . He rubbed his finger over the brochure 's glossy pictures of smiling students in front of classical buildings . There were lots of shade trees and endless swathes of green grass . Was there any place that still looked like that ? But he guessed the government could figure out how to keep the grass nice and green , no matter how bad the weather was . There was lots of stuff - with pictures - about the comfortable dorms , the library and the gym . It all looked unreal . He kept glancing over at the page of instructions . That had to be the one that was upsetting his mom . There was nothing in the brochure about having to accept the scholarship or leaving in three days . He wanted to take everything - the envelope , the brochure , the welcome letter and instructions - tear them into little pieces and throw them in the trash . With a sense of dread , he finally picked up the page of instructions . Why had it been hand - delivered ? Frantically , he he looked for an address , a state or a part of the country , realizing now that even the letterhead lacked an address . Where was this college , anyway ? The instruction sheet was mostly a list , and a quick scan told him what he was already sure of . No address . Carrie had gone back to washing the dishes . She put down the dish in her hand , but she didn 't turn around . " No . I didn 't even think about it . It must be there , somewhere . " " I 'm just about to read it . " The weird shivery feeling that had been growing while he hunted through the papers was starting to become a queasy roiling in his stomach . His mom was acting just like when they found out his dad was dead . That fake smile , and her voice without any expression in it . The instructions didn 't even take up the whole sheet . It was impossible to misinterpret anything . He couldn 't refuse the scholarship . He had three days to settle his affairs at home . He wasn 't allowed to take anything with him . Everything he needed would be provided by the college . He would be picked up early on the morning of the fourth day and would be escorted during the entire trip . He grabbed the brochure again and tore through it , looking for something that he couldn 't possibly have overlooked if it had been there . There was nothing about vacations , about visits home . Not even summer vacation . He sat back and stared in front of him without seeing anything . His mind had been processing all the little details and the missing pieces , and now it all came together in a terrifying way . He 'd been recommended by an unknown person , for a scholarship to a college in an unknown location . He wouldn 't be allowed to refuse , and he would be taken away from his home and his mother in three days . He almost laughed , but it choked before it turned into sound . He was going to be kidnapped . No matter how he turned it around , trying to see it from every possible angle , that 's what it really was . Don 't be a dope . Nobody gives you advance warning that you 're going to be kidnapped . You 're just dramatizing again . That 's what Mom would say . But he couldn 't convince himself . If someone could just come and take you away , that was kidnapping . He knew , when he looked up at her , that his expression must be as bleak as her own . She 'd been waiting for him to find the way out , and he hadn 't . He stood up , wanting to go to her , but he couldn 't get his legs to move . " I don 't want to leave you , Mom . I can 't . " It was true , but not what he wanted to say , if only he could get it out in the open where he could see it . Then , all of a sudden , he did see it . " How do we even know this is real ? " " What do you mean ? Of course it 's real . Look at it . I don 't want it to be real , and neither do you , but if it isn 't real , what is it ? " " A hoax , maybe ? A really nasty practical joke ? If it was real , why would they hide where this college is ? And why would they do it this time of year and only give me three days ? " " But why would anyone play a joke like that ? You don 't have any enemies at school , do you ? " Linden shook his head . " How could anyone hate you - or me - enough to do something so awful ? Maybe it 's a top - secret program and they can 't tell you more until you 're in it . " She smiled hopefully , just long enough to see that Linden wasn 't convinced . " I guess that does sound silly , doesn 't it ? Like one of those ridiculous espionage movies . " " It feels like … " Linden shut his mouth . He didn 't want to say the word . His mother would panic if she really thought he was going to be kidnapped . And it was such a wild idea , anyway . He couldn 't really believe it , himself . But there had to be some explanation . " Never mind . Forget it . I had an idea and then I realized how crazy it was . " Carrie looked so hopeful again that Linden forced himself to smile . " It really wasn 't anything worth thinking about any more . Do you want some help with supper ? I wouldn 't mind having mashed potatoes , and I 'll even peel the potatoes . " Carrie gave him a look that said she wasn 't satisfied . But she wouldn 't argue with him . Not until supper was over , at least . Maybe by then he could think of something to make this all go away . February 25 , 2017 The energy tide , that is . I 've had to take several breaks from the revision of Privileged Lives , but I 'm down to the final chapter today . A lot of tightening up reduced the word count enough that I 've been able to build up weak areas without making the book longer . 93 , 000 + words is a good length to maintain . Next will come several editing runs , then spell check , a round or two of ProWritingAid , and a final proofread . The cover is still ahead , with the first viable idea since I wrote the darn thing . Oops . I was going to start serializing it yesterday . Fibro fog or just old - fashioned forgetfulness ? Since the first two chapters introduce the two protagonists , Maybe I 'll post both those chapters this weekend . Nope . They 're both around 5 , 000 words , so I 'll have to split them . The renewal notice came up for PWA the other day , and it was somewhat alarming to realize I 've had it for a year and only used it for one book . The cost was probably more than I earned all year , so I 'll have to keep that in mind from now on and get more work finished . Which I intend to do anyway . February 20 , 2017 Back when I was active on Live Journal , I serialized my first novel , Hidden Boundaries . It worked out pretty well in most ways . I got some very helpful critiques , and when I finally polished it up and published it , there were actually readers waiting to turn into buyers . Granted , the book fit nicely into a fairly big niche with a lively community on LJ . It appealed to readers of slavefic , most of whom want sex in their stories , so my deliberate avoidance of the usual cliché tropes of slavefic and the near - absence of any sex , and that only suggested was a bit risky . But I wanted to challenge expectations , and present slavery in a somewhat more realistic way , even though it still took place in an unlikely alternate universe . A lot of the serial readers were oblivious to the ethical aspects of the book , and loved it mostly because they could cry over the protagonist 's sad plight . Still , it was satisfying that some readers did see what I was getting at . The book was fairly successful by my very low standards , and still picks up a sale now and then . I 'd probably shudder if I ever read it again , but at least it would be cheering to know that my writing has improved considerably since then . Blogging here is very different from Live Journal , and I have no idea whether serializing a novel would work . But since it 's being pretty extensively revised and edited , it would be nice to get some feedback to learn what 's working and what isn 't . Future sales would be nice too , but that isn 't something I would count on - maybe as an extra bonus . So I 'm giving serialization very serious thought right now , if for no other reason than curiosity . How would it work out ? I 'm thinking two posts a week , which should be enough to keep up readers ' interest . Some of the chapters are pretty long , around 5 , 000 words , so I 'd split those . February 9 , 2017 The revision of Privileged Lives is going well , although stuff got in the way yesterday and I only did about two chapters . Still … Cutting the fat , expanding scenes , combining chapters , all on the way to a final rewrite . It 's down to 29 chapters , from 38 , and I 'll probably combine several more before I 'm through . It 's kind of amazing how much I 've learned since writing it back in the Spring of 2011 . And it 's hard to believe it 's been hanging around that long . This is one of those cases where you have to decide whether a book that 's never sold more than a few copies is worth overhauling . It might still languish unread , but it 's worth it to me . The " stuff " that got in the way of book work yesterday , was one of the massive shopping trips I go on almost every week with my son . Usually , it 's two grocery stores and one or two thrift stores . Yesterday 's started with the local Humane Society . I decided a month or two ago that I missed having a fur ball , so I kept checking out the photos on the HS site . The cat I 'm adopting is a ten - year - old orange female who might not have found another owner at that age . She wasn 't exactly abused by her previous owners , but they put her in their basement because of their little kids ( no details on that except her inability to cope ) , and lived down there for a year . She 's still skittish , but didn 't have any trouble with my petting her , leaned right in , in fact , so I think she 'll be fine once she settles down . We 'll probably go in tomorrow to sign the adoption papers and take Stella home . As part of getting my life somewhat normalized , which used to mean being owned by a cat , I 'm cutting way back on the news . I 've accepted that things are mostly going to get worse as the new " president " lays about him with an axe handle . There 's nothing I can do about it except put my little bit of money where I hope it will do some good . I made a second donation to the Standing Rock Sioux this morning , even though I know that particular battle will probably be lost . It apparently didn 't matter that I 've prioritized more current work for completion and the process involved in getting to publication . One of my early novels , which has had almost zero attention from the reading public , shoved its way to the front of the queue yesterday . It had been handing out warnings , which I ignored , believing that I had entered a new phase of my writing life in which I could limit myself to a few reasonable tasks and actually complete them in a timely manner . Instead , I spent Saturday reading through Privileged Lives and Other Lies , doing a bit of editing here and there , but mostly just noting the areas that need work . Yes , I read a 94 , 000 word novel in one day , and at the end of the day I wondered how I 'd managed it . I 'm a fast reader , but even so … This novel has been a huge disappointment to me , because for the most part , it contains some of my best writing . That , in spite of having a couple of real problems that I simply didn 't face at the time . And it has a terrible cover , one of my first . And I didn 't know at the time I published it , that it fits in the young adult category . And , and , and … |
Wow I am so embarrassed that I stopped blogging . I have no idea what happened but I suspect it all comes down to this little statement , that I heard 14 hours and 24 minutes after I started swimming in Cambridge , Maryland , " Espe Kelly you are an Ironman " . I have to tell you that it was an incredible feeling . Much more than I ever expected . So here is what I remember from the lead up to it . I got all packed up just like I had for CDA . I had my checklists and got everything ready . Then I took off to Maryland . I arrived in to Washington DC , got my rental car and then drove to Cambridge ( well actually Easton ) where I had rented a gorgeous house . On the way I stopped at the first grocery store I saw and stocked up on water , bananas , bacon ( yes - I eat it on my ride ) and food for breakfast so when my family showed up there would be food for them . As soon as I got to the house I figured out where everyone was sleeping then unpacked and got my stuff organized . Then my friend Cathy McIntyre came for a visit . I met her my freshman year in college and I have not seen her since then . It was a 31year overdue visit . We hung out at the house until the agent came by to give me keys . Then we went to dinner , caught up and tried to piece together our freshman year . Just so you know we never pieced it together . The most interesting thing I found out is that Cathy somehow developed a fear of going over the bay bridge . She actually has a service that meets her and drives her over the bridge . Yes it was a scary looking bridge but I had no idea people freak out . So I am very happy that Cathy was able to meet me for dinner . I later found out that my cousin John Michael doesn 't like it either . He told me the night of the ironman that he would never drive that bridge for me again . I love you John Michael for doing that to come watch my race . That night I went out to dinner with my high school English teacher who also happened to be my track coach . It was great to catch up and hear the stories about how she went crazy trying to get me to run a mile in high school . She had told me before that she did not understand how I became so disciplined . Ceres Bainbridge , I had other priorities in high school . After dinner I went back to the house to wait for Steve to show up . He drove 8 hours to come watch me race . Steve made it and was hungry so I got his dinner ready . I had ordered food from the restaurant and he was happy to have dinner ready for him . We then put my bike back together . Sometimes I wonder why I just don 't do these things on my own . Steve just does things without instruction ( you know the engineer in him ) . Well of course it was not right and I flipped out . Luckily I have a great bike mechanic and he took my call late at night and he walked Steve through the putting the bike back together and everything turned out all right . Next day we picked up Ritchie and headed to swim start . Ritchie and I went for a swim and followed it up a with a short bike ride . Then we dropped our bikes off . Once that is done then it becomes real . Then it was race day . My Mom had told me the night before she was only going to the end ( she had already done everything at CDA and it was too much for her ) . But she surprised me by being up and ready to go watch me swim . It was great . We took off to the start which included getting on a yellow school bus and then some walking . Her and Steve were so helpful and I was feeling good . As I was waiting to start I noticed very tall skinny young guys surrounded me . I should have known I was in the wrong place . But I was too excited to realize what I was about to experience . My strategy was to take off 10 minutes earlier than in CDA so that I had more time on the bike . I had done pretty good in CDA so I figured it would be ok . Oh boy was I wrong . During the first part of the swim I was getting run over by faster swimmers . This is everyone 's worst nightmare in the water . I kept trying to move over to the outside but I could not so finally I just said ok at some point they will stop coming since they will have all passed me . My main focus for about 500m was to not get kicked in the face . Then it all stopped and I was able to get in a groove and before I knew it was time for the second lap . By this point I was feeling good and finished just over 1 : 30 : 00 , which was just a bit slower than CDA . When I got out of the water I saw Steve and my Mom . That was such a great feeling . I made it through transition quicker than CDA ( I had learned a few things and well it wasn 't as cold so a few less things to put on ) . As I was leaving transition I saw my Mom , Steve and Ceres ( my high school teacher ) . That just made me so happy and before I knew it I was on the bike . The bike was great . It was flat and windy but less windy than I expected . So I was super excited . I had decided to wear one of my Australian jerseys and that turned out to be a great thing . So many people yelled out to me so that kept me distracted and feeling great . It was a 2 - loop ride and when I finished the first loop I was thrilled because I was on a good pace and feeling good . We then passed the special needs bags I decided I did not need to stop . There was nothing I needed and thought I would take advantage of that fact . There were a few people who I was riding with and we kept passing each other back and forth and we would yell at each other as motivation . After the special needs I lost them , I guess they stopped . It all of a sudden became strange because no one was in front of me or behind me . After many miles I started wondering if I had taken a wrong turn . I had to remind myself that I could not make a wrong turn but never the less I thought I had . I kept riding and looking at the wonderful scenery and then I came across the flooded road . I knew at this point I was close to the next aid station and I wanted it so bad because I wanted a rest . My thoughts were playing games in my head and I wanted to see other riders . I wanted to make sure I was not the last one . When I finally made it to the aid station it was good to know I was not alone . I stopped stretched , ate some bacon and took off . Before I knew it I was at mile 92 . The dreaded 92 are what went through my mind . I looked down at my computer and saw I had only been riding 6 hours . I screamed out of enjoyment . In CDA it took me 9 hours . I was so happy I wanted to throw my legs up but couldn 't since I was clipped in . The last 10 miles ended up being the windiest and I was not happy . I wanted to ride out of aero but when the wind is in your face in aero you must go . So aero it was . Then at 7 hours and 14 minutes I was done with the bike . I remember seeing Steve and I started yelling like a crazy person . I did it I did it . I handed my bike off and somehow got through transition in no time . I was so excited that I could not figure how to get out of the tent . As I ran out I saw Steve and he was alone . I was like where is everyone he yelled out they are slackers I shook my head and took off . I always knew if I made it to the run I could make it even if I had to walk . Andy thought the same thing and apparently told Steve if I made it to mile 18 to go ahead and buy my finisher gear ( which he did ) . I also found out later that all of Andy 's congratulation messages were sent after I got to mile 18 . The run course turned out to be a great course although I had originally thought it would suck doing 3 loops . What ended up happening is that because of the 3 loops you saw the same people which after awhile started cheering you on , then you got to see people from Miami and the best part was hearing the announcer pretty much the entire time . The one surprising thing was how the volunteers started looking for you as you went by the aid stations . They really got to know you . That proved to be useful on the last lap since they knew it was your last lap they pushed you . When I started the run I was running so fast and got through mile 1 in about 10 minutes . I was freaking because Andy had said to me if I was running faster than 10 : 30 it was going to be a bad race . I tried to slow down but my legs were just running so fast . After about 4 miles I stopped to go to the bathroom . That was a good move because it helped me get back to a realistic pace . I ran at a pretty good pace for most of the route with a few miles where it seemed I was running slower but really it was the bathroom stops that slowed me down . When I got to mile 18 my knee started hurting . I didn 't worry too much I knew I had Tylenol in my special needs bag . I do not normally mask the pain but I was tonight if I needed to . I did grab my bag got the Tylenol and kept going . I could not get the package open so I decided I would give it to Steve when I saw him . He was nervous about doing that since it is against the rules . I insisted and well he did get it open for me and on the way back for my last loop I took the Tylenol ( and I even had to have a volunteer help me open it . Those packages are brutal ) . After about 1 mile I felt better and I decided it was time to get it done . Beside by this time they were handing out the chicken broth , which really does fuel you so I was picking up my pace . All of a sudden I was moving faster and faster and people started noticing and were cheering me on ( the advantage of the 3 loops ) I Just kept going and every time someone cheered for me especially the runners I just got faster and faster . Then before I knew it I was at the last turn around . It was at the brewery with lot s of people and they always went crazy if you turned left ( that meant it was the last loop and you were almost done ( I mean these people went crazy . It was just like adding speed to your blood stream so I took off . ) I went past what was to be the last water stop and the volunteer who I had just cheered me on to go faster was going crazy about how fast I was going . Just at that moment my watch announced I had done a 9 : 30 minute mile and I screamed that out he flipped and yelled go you are so close to the end . He didn 't even let me get water . At that point everyone was yelling at me to go faster . I was like where is the finish and they said straight ahead . I saw one person in front and I had to make a choice to either slow down or pass her . I wanted to make sure I was alone in the chute . I chose to go faster and passed her and then all I saw was lights . I heard my sister Elena and then there was the finish line . It was so sudden I didn 't even do my happy dance as I had planned . The process after I finished seemed to have gone so fast that I do not even remember anything except getting my chocolate milk . That was the best chocolate milk I have ever had . Then all of a sudden there was Steve , my mom ( crying ) , my cousin John Michael and my sister Elena . Best part of the night . I talked to them for a while but I needed food so I headed to the athlete tent had some food and then met them outside . They had a bottle of wine for me and then one for them . At this point I asked about Ritchie and all of a sudden he showed up . We hung out for a while and then everyone wanted to eat so we went back to the house . As usual I took a to go cup well to go bottle and we headed to the car . Oh boy that was hard . I made a stupid mistake and changed shoes . Not a good idea because once I took the running shoes off my feet went crazy . Steve took off to get the car and I finally made it to the parking lot . Just writing this is making my feet throb . We went back to the house , I took a shower and then wanted to hang out and chit chat but I was the only one that wanted to stay up . Really I was the only one not tired . Well I was tired I just didn 't know it . The next day they were supposed to cook breakfast but again I was up and they were sleeping so I started . I put the bacon on , beat the eggs and made the pancake mix . After awhile Steve took over and finished up and we had a great breakfast . After I got home I went back through Facebook and noticed all of the messages everyone one had sent me . That brought me to tears . There were so many people cheering me on , updating my status through out the day and posting my progress . There are no words to describe the support that I got from not only my family but friends and friends of friends . I was amazed at how people who did not even know me were cheering me on just because I was a friend of one of their friends . That really is the magic of Facebook . ( I can not even begin to try to show those messages here ) . I do not know who said this but it is what I chose to do this year . I dreamt , I believed and I achieved . I had failures but because I believed , I achieved . I loved 2014 . Week twenty I was in Cap Cana in the Dominican Republic to celebrate my cousin John Michael 's 50th birthday . He invited some of his family and his closest friends for a fun filled week on the beach . I was one of the lucky ones that were invited . The week came in the mist of some heavy training but there was no way I was going to miss it . I planned my flights so I could get the major workouts in before I left and after I returned . The workouts during the week were not too bad and I managed to get some of them in . I know I could have done more but sleeping in always seemed like a better option . As it turns out this trip , although not good for my training , was good for my body . It was the first week in maybe 6 - 7 weeks that my stomach did not bother me . I think I really needed to rest and relax and that I did . I want to take a moment and say thank you to John Michael and Richard for inviting me . I truly enjoyed spending time with my family and with your beautiful friends . The food was incredible , the beach was beautiful , the drinks were plentiful and the company was amazing . I feel completely blessed to be your cousin . I went back home completely relaxed and re - energized . Here are some pictures from the week : Week twenty - one is another story . It started out with a 4 . 5 - hour ride on the windiest day I have ever ridden in . I had just gotten new Zipp wheels , which made my bike super light . That made for a very unsteady ride and it was a bit scary for the first time out with the new wheels but I managed to hang on and finish 62 miles . I will have to admit there was a time when we did not think we would make it back but we just kept at it and we finally made it home . I was never so happy to see my house . That was followed by an email from our coach that basically said that some of us were being complacent and we needed to get our butts in gear . The email went to an undisclosed list of people and the way it was written it seemed like he was just talking to me . I was most upset because I have been working really hard . This really stressed me out and I started having nightmares about not finishing the race , which kept me from getting any sleep . I was determined to get every workout in this week and I did all but one . Not only did I do them but I did really good . I attribute that to the week 's rest and the fact that I am feeling so much better . This week also included tenting our house for termites . This was just one big pain in the butt . We had to take all the food out and then move out for a few days . We stayed at our friend 's house , which was fun but well you do not have all your stuff so it can be tricky . For instance , we had to move out on Thursday and I was supposed to do a 3 - hour run . When I went to get ready for the run I realized I had no running shoes so I had to scrap that . Not really an ideal situation but I knew I had a day off on Monday so I decided not to worry and just do it then . Then Friday I got ready to go to my computrainer class when I realized I had no flip - flops so I had to head out in my nice sandals . That was kind of funny . They went really good with my workout clothes . That night we decided to stop by Happy Hour since Steve hadn 't seen the happy hour crew in awhile . After a couple of drinks I announced to Steve " I need to go I am feeling like I am getting drunk . " He was shocked and responded by saying " I never though I would here you say that . " One of the guys followed up by saying " you must be taking this Ironman thing serious " . It was really funny because it 's true . I even shocked myself when I said that . So we left , grabbed some food at Whole Foods and had dinner with our friends at their house . It was probably one of the earliest night I have had in a really long time . Saturday morning we had a swim and bike workout . We had to swim for 1 : hour and 15 minutes and then ride for 2 . 5 hours . The water felt good and I was swimming great . Ended up swimming 1 . 8 miles . I was pleased with the effort . When we got out of the water the guys told me they were doing Sunday 's 4 . 5 hour ride and then do the 2 . 5 on Sunday since it was a holiday weekend . I wasn 't prepared for that so I couldn 't go with them . Since no one was left I decided to head back and do the ride later in the day . We finally got back into the house at 12 : 30 and I just started cleaning out the fridge and started washing dishes since I wanted to get my kitchen back in order . Before I knew it , it was 7 : 00pm and I was starving . So needless to say I missed the ride . I had made plans with Liz for Sunday 's ride so she met us at my house and we took off at 7am as planned . The ride started out good . I took the lead and basically pulled until Black point Marina . Then Steve took the lead until Robert is Here ( a great local fruit stand that has bathrooms and a good stopping point ) . We took a short break , refilled our water bottles and took off . Well I should have known the wind was going to be in our face on the way back since we rode so fast on the way out . For some reason I always forget . Anyway on the way back I decided to get into my aero bars and see what I could do . Much to my surprise ( and Steve and Liz 's surprise ) I kicked butt . I was pulling at 19 . 5 MPH on a straightaway that was about 3 miles long . Now this may not sound fast but the head winds were strong and I usually do about 12 MPH on the way back so that is huge . Then when we turned and I thought let me really see what I can do in the aero bars so I sort of took off thinking Steve and Liz were right behind me . I later found out they couldn 't keep up . Steve told me he could not believe I was riding that fast . I pretty much took the lead all the way home . We ended up doing 68 miles in the same time we had done 62 miles the week before . I felt great . I was already thinking about the next long ride and how I could possibly keep up with the boys if I drafted . I really cannot wait to see how I do . During this ride not only was I going faster but I was also more confident generally so I was taking off quicker at lights and actually drinking while pedaling . Again this may sound like nothing but for me it 's huge because that is one of the reasons I always get dropped . After the ride Steve was telling me how him and Liz were talking about how confident I looked on the bike and how amazed they were at my riding . The bike has always been my weak sport and given that it is the longest portion of the Ironman it has been freaking me out . I am super excited at my progress . As Steve said , " you have come along way since you started . Thank God because it was so frustrating riding with you but today every time I looked back you were right on my tail " . That was awesome to hear . So after the ride I stated seeing Facebook posts about our team mates racing Ironman Brazil . These guys were hauling ass and at the end of the day when everyone was finished I got really scared . They all did so well and some even placed in their age groups . What I learned this week is that I am stronger than I think . That is really a good thing . I think I needed to learn that . I am glad I was able to figure that out with Steve . His encouragement this week was exactly what I needed to get me across the finish line on June 29 . This week 's quote is really about what happened to me . I finally set myself on fire . It only took 21 weeks but hey better late than never right ? So I realized today that the days weren 't adding up . Somewhere along the line I missed some days or mixed them up so that is the reason for the jump in days since my last post . Anyway today is really day 336 which means only 29 days left in my 365 days of to dos . Since Thanksgiving is now over it was time to decorate for Christmas . Easy right ? Well not at my house . I had to move furniture around and needed to find a way to get a couch to my mother 's house since it was taking up too much space at my house . So I put out a message on Facebook and my cousin offered to help . Once the furniture was moved it was time to hit the shed to pull out the decorations . I started with the tree . OMG it was horrible . The thing was full of roaches . Freaked me out . So I left it on the back porch over night so the roached would leave . The next day I took out a few containers to start decorating and really all I ended up with is lights and the big santa and my village houses . That is all that is getting set up until Steve gets home because I am not going back in the shed . So that was the decorating portion ( which I haven 't finished but it is a good start ) . I then sat down and started writing . I am updating some stuff and last week I lost the file and basically had to start over . I wrote like a crazy person and on Saturday was up until 4am working . I got so much done it was great . Funny part was that I ended up finding the original file after I was finished . So yesterday I combined the work from both to get a really good write up . Sunday was spent cleaning and then off to Sunday Funday with my friend Sue . She is not drinking this week because she has a full marathon on Sunday so we decided to leave our bubble since she was driving . It was nice getting out of the neighborhood . Plus the Dolphins won . Today was all about getting back to my online course . I pretty much spend the entire day doing that until my cousin was headed over to help me move the couch . I decided I would take my dog out for a quick walk . I grabbed my phone and headed out . As soon as I slammed the door I thought oh crap I don 't have keys . Thank God I had my phone . I called Marta to tell what happened and we decided that we would go to my Mom 's and get my key . As soon as I hung up I was like well how will I get in her house . My keys are inside . I then started calling people . I have keys at several friend 's houses . Of course no one was home and they were not 100 % sure they had keys anymore . In the end my friend Cindy got home the fastest and she did have the key so were able to get the couch moved . My other friend Aida also confirmed that she had a key so at least I know who has keys . So the last three days just flew by . Wednesday we had the annual Curtis + Rogers thanksgiving lunch . So I had to be at the office by 11 : 30 at the latest . I had some stuff I needed to do in the morning so I made it there just in time . Lunch usually takes a couple of hours and we always pick names for our secret santa . So we did that and it was funny cause there were three of us sitting next to each other and we all picked our own name . What are the odds right . After lunch I picked up my vegetable / fruit share and the traffic was horrible so it took forever . As I was putting everything away I realized I had picked up the wrong box . Sent an email to Endlessly Organic and they were like not to worry there were extra boxes for the food bank . I was bummed because I did not get any fruit but they were so nice that next week they are giving me a fruit box to try . So happy about that . I am more of a fruit person than a vegetable one . Thursday was all about running , resting and eating . I went to my cousin 's house for Thanksgiving . I love going there . Food is always good and I love seeing my cousins and Kiki makes the best cortadito in town . I was assigned an appetizer so I made my chicken salad with avocado won ton cup bites . I added some bacon this time . Oh they were so good . Will make more next time . I love making this because I basically used all leftovers to do it . Today was gonna be about cleaning my house but my cousin Maria Cristina called me at 8 : 30am because last night I had asked her to look for a purse ( since she was going shopping ) that I wanted and she wanted me to go look at it . I got my butt out of bed and headed to Dadeland mall . I ended up with a purse and 2 pairs of shoes . What a score . I then headed to Footworks . I had to return a pair of running shoes and wanted to take advantage of the sale . I found 3 pairs of shoes and a tank top . As I was waiting in line I heard someone say that the nutrition is on sale and that never happens so I stocked up . I am gonna need it for my ironman training . Then I made christmas cards for Elena , my sister . They are for the gifts she gives to the kids at Math Monkey . She had called me while at Dadeland and was giving me all sorts of instructions of what she wanted . I listened to none of them and the cards came out so cute ( can 't show them since it is a surprise ) . She loved them . Thank God for the paper cutter at my office . It would have taken forever to do at home with an exacto knife . What I learned the last couple of days is that I don 't see my family enough . They live so close but we barely see each other . The great thing is that when we do see each other it is always fun . I also learned that black Friday is not so bad since it now starts on Thursday . Thank all the people who stayed up all night shopping . It made the Friday shopping nice . It is obvious that I have been out of touch for a while . The last 20 days have flown by . Crazy how time flies when you are having fun . So here is the run down of what I have been up to : Sign making tent which was funny because it was so windy that everything kept flying away . It was fun watching the kids make signs for their parents . I even got to meet some of my volunteers for T2 ( transition between bike and run ) gear bags . Banquet which was supposed to be helping athletes settle in and some clean up duties but turned out to be handing out the tickets to those who purchased on line . A lot of people came in wanting to buy tickets but it was all sold out . There were some upset people but the ones who waited around ended up getting in because other people in line found out that it was sold out and came up with extra tickets and sold them to the people waiting . The banquet was well a banquet and the food was not bad considering it was in a tent . The best part was listening to one of the original Ironman participants . There was 12 of them and this guy came in 11 out of the 12 . He was funny . Talked about how he bought a bike the day before the race . Crazy to think that he did not train for the bike ride at all . Bike check in which consisted of me grabbing the bikes and getting them ready for the photographer to take a picture . I had to make sure the pedal was all the way down which meant about 600 squats . This was all fun until the storm came in and it started raining . On the way back to my sister 's it was snowing . Then the big day . I was captain of gear bags for T2 . My mom and sister also came to volunteer . Overall it was a fun thing to do . I got to see my team mates as they finished the bike ( which was grueling ) . They were both happy to see me and Andy ( my coach and my Mom 's personal trainer ) was so happy to see my Mom . She was so excited to had him his bag . The one thing that I was not expecting was seeing athletes break down because they missed the bike cut off time . There were about 15 athletes that missed it by less than 5 minutes . They were all sobbing uncontrollably . I saw this one girl all alone and I asked her if she needed a hug and she said yes . I stayed with her for awhile . She was so disappointed in herself . She said she missed it by 2 minutes . I cried for her . I told her not to be disappointed in herself but only at the result . That bike ride was brutal and it was really cold . In the end I managed to make her laugh but It was heart wrenching to watch . The worst part is that they all looked like the run would have been fine . After T2 I headed to the finish line to give out medals . The finish line was a great place to be . Watching the athletes coming in was inspiring . I stayed there until my team mates came in . It was great . I then headed to Augusta for my half ironman . It was cold in the morning which I was not expecting and because I was cold I was really tight and that did not help my pinch nerve . When I got out of the water my entire right side was locked up . I wasn 't sure if I would continue . Given that I am stubborn as mule I decided to get on the bike and see what would happen . The bike was fun . I just took in the scenery and enjoyed the hills and all the go Miami and Go alien and go Espe comments as people passed me by . Once I finished the bike I knew I was good to go . It was great to see Steve at mile 10 . 5 . He had a beer and I just grabbed it and chugged what was left . I then took Ralph 's beer as well then I was off . Apparently Ralph was shocked that I would drink the beer . I mean really it was my slowest time ever in a race so what the hell . At this point it was all about having fun and fun I had . After the race it was back to the hotel for a shower , packing up the bike and food and drinks with the group . A good night . Steve and I flew back home and we had one day to wash clothes before heading to Montreal . I had a couple of meetings on Tuesday . The second meeting was at my high maintenance client construction site . I could not have asked for a better reaction to me finishing a half ironman . As soon as I walked in he says " how could a girl that drinks so much wine finish and ironman " . I laughed and said this is how and showed him this picture . He could not stop shaking his head . It was classic . The next day we took off to Montreal . Wow what a great city . We were only there for 4 days but did a lot of site seeing by foot and by bike . What a great bike friendly city . I always love being in a city . I always come home inspired by it . Here are a few photos . What I learned these past few weeks is that I need to be in a different location . I love the outdoor activities that I experienced in Reno / Tahoe and Montreal . I love the change of seasons . I love the different landscapes . I have always needed to have access to the outdoors . I once gave up a great apartment because it had no balcony . I know Miami has a lot of great outdoor spaces but really we only get a few months of good weather to enjoy them . As I write this its raining as usual . As I fill my days with more things to do I am finding it very difficult to keep my resolution of getting something major done each day and blog about it . I still have 115 days to go . It is time to regroup . I need to cut some of my activities in order to do that . Funny thing is that as soon as I decided to do that I ended up with more things on my plate than should be there . I have so much to do and it seems I am just avoiding some of them . Now I have 2 days to get everything done and I added an appointment for Wednesday afternoon that will pretty much kill my day since it is at 2pm and about an hour north of where I need to be . I think I better reschedule that . Well I catered a dinner party for my sister and her friends who were celebrating one of the girl 's new job . That pretty much took up my whole day because of course I went crazy and made some really good stuff but it was all time consuming but delicious . Totally worth it . The girls were trying to convince me to do it for a living . They were all willing to find me clients . I rode on the computrainer for 3 hours . That is an accomplishment in itself as it can get boring but very much needed since it is the only way to simulate hills in Miami . We actually rode the Augusta half ironman course . Then I went to a birthday party . I slept way too much . I got into the worst routine which started by taking a nap after my morning workouts . Then I would start my day around 12 then stay up until 1 or 2am . Very bad situation . No wonder I did not get anything done . Had a breakthrough with my swimming . I am not a bad swimmer but my coach had us counting strokes and breathing on each stroke and for the first time I actually felt myself propel through the water . Sort of freaked me out because it felt fast . But it was fun . What I learned the past few days is that I really need a full time job . I have too much time on my hands and it gets me in trouble . I now know that I do need some structure and accountability to keep focused . So last week we went to Houston to spend some time with my cousins . Apparently 2 years had past since we saw them last . Really where does the time go . First up was playing with the dogs . They would not want it any other way . Then to William 's 8th grade graduation and Ana Maria 's birthday . It was the plan for us to go but then we found out there was a mass and Steve and I decided not to go . Thank God because it was 2 . 5 hours long . We stayed back and enjoyed the Petite Chateau as we came to call Ana Maria 's house . Last time we were there it was under renovation . After the graduation everyone came over for for a Thai dinner . So good and so much fun . Saturday was all about getting the work outs in . We got up and headed to the Houstonian . I love this place , especially since when we go we get the resident 's member day pass which gets us to the nice of everything . After the bike and swim I hit the sauna and shower . We were a bit hungry by this point so off to lunch we went . Cafe Lilly 's is a Lebanese restaurant and really good . After lunch it was time for a massage . There is a huge asian community in Houston so went to this place that fit us all in at the same time and for an hour it only cost $ 30 . 00 . They concentrate on Reflexology which I really never knew what it was but I was amazed . I had tears in my eyes when they hit some spots on my feet but any pain that I was experiencing in my back was gone . Sunday we headed to Round Top to hang out with Luis and Tiffany and Ella . They have a property with a main house and 2 cottages . It was under construction last time we were there so it was good to see it finished . It was beautiful . This is the place I finally learned how to visualize a dam and how it works for my grading exam . It was just after our visit that I finally passed that part of my Landscape Architecture test . We stopped on the way to pick up a pie . Then off to the Mercantile for some sandwiches . At the mercantile they have wines by the glass called Copas . So cute and according to Luis the creators were on Shark Tank a few years ago . So that was cool . Of course I had to get one . When we got there Tiffany had called to say she wanted to stay at Galveston and hang out with her friend who had just turned 50 . She had gone up the night before so we didn 't get to see her . So we ate our sandwiches and hung out in the pool . By this point guess what we were all hungry again so we headed into town . This place is so cute . We went to the pizza joint for nachos and pizza . It was not the best pizza I have ever had but the ambience was fantastic . Great place to watch people . We had to rush back to watch Behind the Candelabra which was premiering on HBO . It was a very interesting movie . We then headed out to our cottages . Monday we had a great breakfast and then I got to shoot a 22 millimeter . I have never shot before and that is something I blogged about earlier this year . So after a safety lesson Luis hooked me up . I did good . I hit the target 5 times . I was shaking so imagine if I could have gotten that under control . I am definitely gonna try that again . We then headed back . We made a pit stop at this place called Buckey 's . This place is like a truck stop but seriously nice . On the way to Round Top Ana Maria and Carolina were telling us all about it but we missed the one that was open on the way to Round Top . The one we stopped at was an older and smaller one but just like they said it was spotless and they had all kinds of cool snacks and souvenirs . We picked up a couple beer coolers . After we got home we went on a driving tour . I wanted to see some of the devastation at Memorial Park from the severe drought Houston has been in . They pretty much lost about 70 % of the trees . The last couple of time we went to Houston that is where we ran since it was down the street from their old house . It was sad to see but like I explained it is mother nature 's way of cleaning up . This place will come back more beautiful then ever . We also stopped at the live bridge which was really cool and a few other places before stopping for lunch ( since we hadn 't eaten enough ) and a trip to Trader Joe 's . We had never been in one and we are getting one in Miami so we wanted to check it out . Nice place . What I learned on this trip is that Houston is a really nice city . It has a lot to offer and has so much diversity . It is the most diverse city in the country . I also learned that hanging out with cousins is very relaxing . Need to do it more often . Here I find myself behind on my blogging . I am starting to get busier , helping out a few friends with some administrative work , and am having problems getting to the computer . I think I may try blogging every other day for awhile to see if that helps . Today was all about meeting up with my cousin Denise , getting a massage and meeting up with some friends in Ft . Lauderdale . It was a perfect afternoon . My cousin is a massage therapist among other things and whenever I can I like to get together with her and catch up and then get a massage . On this trip I finally got to see her new place . Its really nice and as it turns out like 5 minutes from my friends so it worked out great . Denise had a lot to catch up on but the most fun was to hear about her trip to india . We talked for about an hour and then it was massage time . I have been a little stressed so she had some work to do . It was great . I then took off to my friend Carley and Dave 's place . From there we took of to Las Olas for dinner . Carley was already there getting her hair done . She ran into some other friends and they were going to join us for dinner . It ended up not working out because they had their dog and the restaurant outside sitting was full . So we talked for a bit . They invited me to spend a few weeks in Newport this summer . May take them up on it since Steve will be up there . We then proceeded to dinner . Dave has had a hard week so we ordered wine first . Polished off 2 bottles with dinner . Then we went back to their house and kept the wine flowing . Up until 2am solving all the world 's problems . So much fun . Today was about getting home and getting some work done . I tried but couldn 't because the office was changing internet and phone so I could not log on . I had no idea this was happening . So i took the rest of the day to relax and clean up a bit . Today was about getting serious about my half ironman training . It is time . I am all recovered from my severe sinus infection and eye injury . After all that I have been struggling to get going again . So today I was determined . I had a 2 hour and 15 minute ride . Its a base building workout so I needed to stay in zone 2 - 3 for my heart rate . On the way out there was a big head wind . It was hard to maintain those zones so we went very slow . Average 12 mph . I wanted to go faster but I kept in my zones . On the way back it was fun . The wind was behind us so we were able to go a bit faster . What I learned today is that it doesn 't take much to get your heart rate up in a head wind . I also learned that you can maintain your heart rate by dropping gears . I had never noticed that before . Probably since I never rode with my heart rate monitor . The other thing I was working on today is to concentrate on pulling up as I pedal . I have never really paid attention to that so today I wanted to practice . It was interesting to see how my heart rate dropped when I was doing that as well . This year I will make sure I follow the heart rate zones and see how I improve from last year . I can 't wait . Today there were a few things going on like an egg hunt at Trijungle and getting some drawings finished for a project . But my task for the day was to get pictures and slides ready to send off to scan . A colleague of mine told me about Scancafe where you send your pictures and they scan and send back to you at a pretty decent price . You have several options and if you buy a package it really is cheap . Go to http : / / www . scancafe . com and check out this really cool company . This is a big job as I am a picture freak and always have been . I have tons of pictures and just as many slides . I decided to buy a package so I need to figure out the number of pictures I will be sending . I started with the pictures I had in boxes . They were divided by places and labeled . As I was counting I threw out pictures that were not that great . I then put them into baggies and labeled them with the amount of pictures . That was going pretty good but then I started running into cute pictures and I started remembering things . So then I was like ok , I 'll take a picture of this and text it or put it on Facebook . It will only take a minute . Well that ended up taking longer because people started texting back and then it turned into a conversation and well I am sure you can just imagine how my project came to a almost a complete stop . I then moved on to my slides . I have slides that were in sleeves and some that were in little boxes . I imagine the ones in the sleeves were the ones I had in carousels . Those would have been my best slides . It has been so long since I have looked at these that I can not remember why I had some in boxes . I even had boxes labeled duds . I am completely mystified as why I would keep slides that I once deemed duds . Not knowing for sure I had to check them . This took awhile since I had to compare with the ones in the sleeves . I ended up staring a stack of I am not sure what to do with these . I guess I will determine that when I get a final count for my package . CRAZY I know . I did not finish this task today but I made really good progress . I will finish up the slides and then send this pile off . I will then deal with the photo albums . They are not in my way at the moment . I will send them off when they are . What I learned today is that it is really fun to look at pictures and run into old memories . A perfect example is the picture of my girlfriends and me . I would never had remembered that party had I not seen the picture . Once I saw the picture I remember it . I even remember the shoes I was wearing all though you can 't see them in this picture . Another example is the picture with Ana ( my sister ) and Debbie ( my cousin ) . We had gotten in a text conversation after I sent her the picture and she said she had not remembered how much time we had spent together as kids . I can not wait to get all of the pictures scanned . I can then do slideshows and have them running on my computer . It will be fun to run into old memories at random times . I can 't wait to see what happens . I have a bunch of cousins and I mean a bunch , but Raquelita is special because a long time ago she took a 3 month sabbatical from her high powered job and Miami was one of her stops . She was supposed to say a few weeks but ended up staying the 3 months . I was getting my masters at the time and well because I had a flexible schedule we hung out a lot and did all the touristy things that she wanted to do and I loved it because I was able to get to know my cousin who I admired because she was so awesome . Raquel is one of the older cousins and I am one of the younger ones . So I always looked up to her . So the time that she spent in Miami was great because we became very good friends . Over the years I have spent a lot of time with her and she has given advice to me and I have learned from her and she has asked me for advice and she had listened and appreciated my off the wall way of thinking . It has been awesome . One of things that I love about her is that whatever I am up to its cool . I remember coming back from a trip to Abu Dhabi and I was telling her about the tobacco that I started smoking in this little pipe . She was like do you have some and I said yes . And she said well you can smoke inside if you want . How cool is that . I remember a time when I was at her place in NYC and she was giving me the low down on her neighborhood . She told me about the butcher , where to buy cheese , the fruit and vegetable place and then she went to work . I told her to arrange dinner for her parents and her sister and brother and I would cook . It was hilarious . I cooked this great dinner and she was like where did you get all of this food . I was like in all the places you told me . She was shocked . She actually had never been in those places . She always had take out or went out . Well it really did explain the condition of her kitchen . That was like 12 years ago . Today she told me she was re - doing the kitchen because the stove finally broke . Well 12 years ago that stove was ancient . So I guess it is time to lay it to rest . Can 't wait to cook in the new kitchen . Lately she has been busy so if there is an opportunity to get together even for 3 hours I jump at the chance . Like last year she came down for a weekend and my mom had a party for her to celebrate her marriage and it was the night before the ING marathon which I was running . I was like ok I am not going to miss the party . So I proceeded to stay up until 3am to hang out with her and then ran a half ( 13 . 1 miles ) marathon . So I was a bit slower than usual but who cares . It is Raquelita . Last night she sent me a text . Do I want to meet her at 11am to meet with the chef from the Palms hotel in Miami Beach and have a tour of her organic garden . I was like YES . So off I went . Disregarding all other plans . It was awesome . The chef explained all the different herbs , the issues of the garden on the beach and how she over came them . This meeting was perfect as I am working on my own garden . I have a new list of things that I want to grow that I didn 't know about before . We then had some lunch and then hung out at the pool . We talked and then made our way back to South Miami to have dinner with my sister Elena . Some pictures from today . What I learned today is that no matter how busy we are you have to take time for your family and friends . We both took some time to take care of business but were still able to fit in the garden tour and sit by the pool . We talked a lot and determined that really in today 's time you do not have to sit in an office to get the work done . It was a great day . |
3 Comments » [ NOTE : This is the story about the night I was born . The words the mother speaks to the baby at the end are the words I spoke to my daughters at their births . And yes , my parents really are named María and José , although they both use their middle names because they feel their names are too common . I have heard the story over and over again over the past 60 years . My mother swears it was 11 : 52 PM but my birth certificate says I was born at 11 : 19 PM . In any case , I was my mom 's Christmas baby ! ] María lay in bed exhausted , yet unable to sleep . She 'd had an endless day and had just finished putting out the gifts for her four children . Tomorrow would be filled with joy and much activity . The kids were sure to waken by seven , anxious to open their gifts and play with their new toys . There would be lots of cooking to do , too . Just a week ago things had looked quite bleak . They didn 't have much money and her heart had ached at the thought of disappointing her children on Christmas . Somehow , José , her husband , had managed to work a few days and had brought her enough money for groceries and a couple of modest gifts for each of the children . They had even gotten a small tree to decorate . María thought about her life . They lived in a tiny two room house with no heat and no indoor bathroom . They were far from town . The car was always either broken or out of gas . Her husband worked in the fields during the season and at odd jobs in the winter . Her children never had new clothes . She had to accept old clothes from her neighbors and her comadre 's . María 's beautiful little girl had to wear boys ' clothes . Her boys needed shoes that didn 't fall off their feet when they ran so they wouldn 't fall and get hurt . She was very familiar with the second - hand stores where José took her to shop when the boxes of clothes from her comadre didn 't fill all of their needs . Sometimes things were alright . José could be thoughtful and attentive if he wanted to be . He loved playing with his children . He even helped María with the housework when he wasn 't working . He had taught María how to cook when they had married . José was a hard worker and always managed to provide his family with what they needed . María loved her children . Sometimes they were all that kept her going . They needed her . They loved her . She loved to see their happy faces and feel their sticky kisses and tight hugs . She liked being able to console them when they were hurt and crying . María thought about the baby inside of her that made it impossible for her to find a comfortable position . She hoped this one would be another girl . When her first child had been born , she had wished for a girl , only to get a boy . She had cried but soon she loved him so much that she had wished for sons when she had become pregnant for the second , third , and fourth times . When God gave her a daughter for her fourth child , she had cried with disappointment , only to grow to love her so quickly that now her wish for a second daughter made her smile as she rubbed her swollen belly . She wondered what the future had to offer this innocent child . María feared that perhaps it was a sin to bring children into the world when she and José had so little to offer them . Her exhaustion finally gave way to sleep , as the infant inside of her womb settled down also . The next morning the children woke their parents asking eagerly if they could go open their gifts . They were happy with what Santo Clos had brought them . They were not used to getting toys or new clothes . The boys had each gotten gun sets - belts , holsters , guns , and even tin badges . José 's boss had given him a small cowboy hat for one of the boys and María had found a couple of bandanas at the segunda . They had also managed to get their hands on three tricycles for the boys . José had worked on them late at night , fixing and painting them to look like new . Their little daughter was busy playing with her life - like baby doll that had moving eyes , hair , and drank from a bottle . María 's comadre had sewn a small brown bear for her . The last trip they had made to the segunda had provided them with toy dishes for the little girl and a warm coat of red velvet . After opening the gifts , the children had breakfast . Their mother had fixed huevos con chorizo and fresh tortillas . While she cleaned up after breakfast , María turned on the radio . She tuned to her favorite station . The announcer was excitedly bragging about how his wife had given birth to a baby daughter shortly before midnight on Christmas Eve . She thought to herself how wonderful it would be to give birth on Christmas day ! When she finished with the dishes , she sat by the tree to watch the children at play . It was cold and damp outside so they had to stay indoors . María looked at the tree . They had only a few glass ornaments on it . They were painted shiny , bright colors with dainty designs that looked and felt like fuzzy snowflakes . María could see her reflection in them . She had cut a silver star out of an old pie plate . The plain , simple star now stood guard on top of the little tree . María hoped that maybe next year they would be able to get some colored electric lights like her comadre had on her tree . All day she waited for the pains to begin . She couldn 't believe how crazy it was that she was actually looking forward to the pains that she had dreaded so much the other times . She felt that there was something special about this child and certainly it was God 's blessing to have a baby born on Christmas day and so she was almost eager to feel the pain that would threaten to tear her apart from the inside out . She dozed for a while , as the children played and she listened to the gentle rain falling outside . Later that afternoon María was wakened by the thunder outside , crackling loudly . It had begun to rain violently . The house was dark . The wind was deafening as it threatened to blow the tiny house away . The rain fell as if being poured directly over them from a pitcher . The sky had darkened prematurely . The children were scared . They gathered near their mother . The radio announcer reported that many roads had been closed and that the reservoir was threatening to overflow . At this , María turned down the volume and went into the bedroom to tell José . She was frightened . Their house was just about a half mile from the reservoir . If it overflowed , their small house would be washed away . It was time to load up the car and get as far away as they could . They had friends in town . Their compadres were sure to let them stay for a night or two . José came into the room and listened briefly to the radio reports . He told her to gather their things and get the kids into the car . They would go into town for the night . When they were all in the car , José could not get it started . He got out and tried everything he knew to try to get the old car going . Nothing worked . The children , sensing danger , cried softly and obeyed every order given them by their parents . They seemed to know instinctively that their cooperation was an absolute necessity . Even the youngest acted like an angel . After some time of futilely trying to start the car , José began walking the half mile to the nearest neighbors to get help . When he arrived , there was no one there . He continued to walk toward the road to look for help for his family . It was very difficult to walk against the oppressive rain and wind which seemed to be concentrating their joint efforts on keeping him from reaching the highway . As José neared the main highway , he could make out flashing lights . He quickened his step and waved his arms , even though he knew they couldn 't see him . It was about nine o ' clock and the night was black , except for the lights that flashed from the highway . Finally , as José reached the road , a Highway Patrolman spotted him . " What are you doing out here ? It 's very dangerous . We 've evacuated the place and have road blocks to keep people out of the area . How did you get back into the restricted area ? " asked the Patrolman . " I live back there . No one evacuated us . We heard the reports on the radio and tried to get out but our car won 't start . My family is stuck back there . We need help , " answered José . " Your family ? We thought we had everyone out of there . How many people are back there ? How far ? Where exactly are they ? Are there any others still back in there , besides your family ? " quizzed the Patrolman rapidly . " It 's about three miles back . Right up against the dam . My wife and four kids are out there . I didn 't see anyone else on my way out here , " explained José . When they got to the house , they found the car empty . Inside the house , the only light was the flicker of a candle . When they entered , they found María in hard labor , the children gathered around her with wide , frightened eyes . One of the Patrolmen took a single look at thescene and started to give orders . " Officer Taylor , help me get this woman into my car . I 'll take her directly to County Hospital . You can stay here with this man and help him get the children to safety , then you can bring him to County . " An hour later , José rushed into the Obstetrics Ward at County Hospital to ask about his wife . " She 's in labor . She 's not quite ready to deliver . You can wait downstairs . I 'll call down when there 's any word , " instructed the pretty nurse with a sympathetic smile on her face . In the Delivery Room , María gasped for air . " Please Doctor , you have to help me deliver my baby now . It 's almost midnight . My baby has to be born before midnight . Please help my baby come now . What time is it ? What time is it ? " " It 's about 11 : 30 María . Don 't be in such a hurry . This baby will come when it 's ready . I can 't do anything about it . Relax . It 's almost here . On the next contraction , push as hard as you can ! " the young intern smiled at María reassuringly . After pushing through three or four more contractions , María felt the baby being born . She heard the strong crying . The doctor gladly announced " It 's a girl , María ! You have a beautiful , healthy baby girl ! " " It 's 11 : 52 . You made it ! You have a Christmas baby ! Congratulations , María . " The intern smiled as he continued to examine both mother and baby . " Why was it so important to have a Christmas baby anyway , María ? " " Because this baby is special . She is my gift to the world . She 's going to be a very special person , " beamed María as she put her arms out to take her baby . Later , when she was in the ward , after José had come in to see her and the 5 pound little girl María held in her arms , María spoke to her daughter with complete adoration : " You are my hope for the future . You are a gift . A gift to me … to our family … a gift to all the world . You will bring good things into this world . I know you will be a special daughter . You bring me hope that out of the darkness of my life , something beautiful will come . Joyful , beautiful , and wonderful things will follow you wherever you go and everyone you touch will be blessed with your joy . You are my joy today , tomorrow , and always . " My mother lived in Long Beach , California and my husband and I lived in Santa Monica . His parents lived in Mexicali , Baja California , which is about a four or so hour drive from where my mom lived . I had never missed a Christmas at home . It was very important to me that I not miss being home , not just for my sake but for my mother 's . I knew she wanted me to be home . So we consulted with everyone and figured out a plan where my husband and I would drive to Mexicali a few days before Christmas . We would have an early Christmas lunch after opening presents with his family , then we would leave there and come across the border by one in the afternoon or so . We would then drive to Long Beach and be there for a late Christmas dinner and opening presents with my family . We were staying on the U . S . side of the border , in Calexico , at my husband 's grandmother 's house while we were down there . On Christmas Eve when it was time for bed , I couldn 't sleep . I talked for hours and hours . My husband heard about every one of my Christmases that night . I think I was nervous about being with my new family ( I had just met them two months previously and had not spent much time with them ) and also nervous about the timing of the drive to my mom 's house . I didn 't want anything to go wrong that would keep us from spending a part of the holiday with my family . They were all waiting for us , including a number of nieces and nephews who weren 't going to open presents until we got there . So I went on and on about Christmas and about birthday cakes ( my birthday is on Christmas ) . I think I recalled every single gift I had gotten in my 22 years ! Finally , I let him fall asleep at what was probably about three in the morning . I stayed awake after he fell asleep . The next day , everything on his family 's end of the planning went well . By nine we were finished opening presents and our lunch was being prepared . We ate by noon and even though I offered to stay and help with the clean up , we were ushered out of there so we wouldn 't be late getting to my mother 's house . To get on the road , we had to cross the U . S . - Mexico border . The road we took to get from my in - law 's to the border , was the fastest route . It had businesses on one side and a very high fence on the other side , which served as the division between the third world country and the richest country in the world ( at least in those days ) . As the road approaches the border , the last mile or two , the fence is just a cyclone fence and you can see right through it , ( at least in 1978 you could ; I 'm not sure what it 's like now ) . We slowed as the road ahead of us narrowed from four lanes to the two border patrol booths that were open . It was not a long wait but to me , it was way too long . Because there was little traffic that day , there were no cars between us and the cyclone fence , giving us full view of the " dividing line . " As I sat there , I looked over and watched as families congregated at the fence , exchanging gifts through the openings in the cyclone fence . Once I realized what it was that they were doing , the excitement I felt about being on my way home left me along with my breath . For what seemed like forever , I couldn 't breathe . I was riveted to the scene before me . There were mothers and their children passing crudely wrapped gifts from one side of the fence to the other . On both sides of the fence , people were smiling and chatting as they exchanged Christmas gifts . It seemed to be normal to them , and I 'm sure it was . I was struck by the fact that these families could not embrace or pass any gift bigger than three or so inches to the other side . The families ' economic differences were clear . The ones on the Mexico side of the fence were very poorly clad , especially for what was a crisp December day with the promise of rain in the sky . The ones on the U . S . side were better dressed and wore shoes and coats appropriate for the weather . The families although together , were very far apart in many ways . Before I knew it , I was crying . My chattiness was gone and we drove home to my mother 's house in almost complete silence . When we arrived , being there with my family , in the same piece of earth , was more special than it had ever been . I could hug them and kiss them and hold them near to me . 3 Comments » We got snow again on Wednesday , the second time in just under a week . This time we got at least 4 inches outside my door . Not much but enough to make it messy on the roads . My daughter asked me to babysit for just about an hour so I ran out the door with just my canvas shoes . We weren 't supposed to get snow for several hours . But then she got home and asked me to go to the grocery store with her , for a " quick trip . " I went . That turned in to a Target trip , then Costco , then the grocery store . By then , it had been snowing for three hours , steady , windy , snow . We were five minutes from home but it was very messy out there and that 's about the time everyone decided to go home before it got worse . That five minute trip home took us an hour and five minutes . That included my daughter taking a less traveled street to " beat the traffic " and then spinning out . We hit a fence which was lucky because just an inch further and we would have hit a power pole . It 's very strange to watch it happening and know you are going to hit but not be able to do anything to avert it . We 're okay . Here car is mostly okay . She says it 's not worth the deductible . But that was in the dark . We 'll see what she thinks in daylight . I 'm sore . All over . Mostly my knee and neck , though . Then we got home and we were supposed to make tamales ( that was what the stop at the grocery store was for ) which should have been finished withing a very few hours . However , things move slowly there . 🙂 So we didn 't actually start assembling them until after midnight . They brought me home about two this morning . I went right to sleep . I was exhausted as I had been up since four in the morning so that meant about twenty - two hours awake ! We got more snow overnight and this morning . I haven 't been out there today . In fact , all I 've done is get dressed and had coffee . I 'm sore all over . I haven 't heard from my daughter today . I guess I should check on them . Maybe she 's still asleep . I know she 's probably still sleeping . The boys ' dad is home until Monday so he can take care of all of them today . We are supposed to go to Peacock Lane tonight . It 's a short street , about three or so blocks , where all the houses ( mostly Tudor style ) are decorated very nicely . It 's a pedestrian night . However , it 's supposed to be cold ( well , it hasn 't warmed up , we 're still at freezing temps ) and icy so we probably won 't go . That 's fine but I wish it would not be icy so we could take the boys . I know they would love it . And we 're supposed to be under very similar freezing temps until Sunday so it would be good to get out for just a little bit . But no spinning out this time ! 2 Comments » Note : This is one of my new stories . It appeared on Solveig Werner 's blog on Sunday . Only a couple of my readers have made it over there to read it so I thought I would post it here . It is a rewrite of an old story ; I changed the point of view and I think it 's a much better story . I hope you enjoy it . Vince had hidden the package from his wife for over a week . He was so excited to finally be able to give her this special gift . He had been so afraid that she would find the package that he had asked his compadre , Roy , to keep it at his house for him . Roy had gladly taken the package home with him and his wife , Jenny had offered to wrap it for him , gladly agreeing to his idea for the wrapping of this special gift . Finally it was Christmas Eve and his comadre and compadre had come to the house to make tamales . Before they left , Roy had found a way to get the package to him without Bea seeing it . Mission accomplished ! When bedtime came around and all the kids were put to bed , Vince found a way to get the package under the Christmas tree without Bea knowing . He put it in the back of the tree where it was hidden by the all the gifts for the kids . He went to bed and then he got nervous . What if she didn 't like it ? Maybe he should have taken her to the store to pick it out for herself . But he had wanted it to be a surprise . She loved surprises . She was like a little girl when he treated her the way she deserved and he realized that he didn 't always treat her that way . Life had been very difficult for them for the past eleven years since they had married . There had never been enough money and there had always been all the kids , one new one each year . They had seven in all and he was pretty sure there would be no more . At least he hoped because although he loved each and every one of his children , he also wanted to be able to give them all the things he had never had when he was growing up and for that , he needed to be sure there were no more . Seven was enough . On Christmas morning , they managed to kee " For me ? Really ? What is it ? " Her eyes were smiling at him . She took the box and held it for a minute , trying not to shake it . She said it felt light . Was it a dress or a blouse , she asked ? He looked at her and just said , " open it ! " She carefully un - taped the wrapping paper , not wanting to rip it because she always reused the paper for gifts throughout the year . When the paper was off and carefully folded at her side , she lifted the top off of the box and found a lot of strips of newspaper . She looked at Vince with hurt in her eyes . She moved the paper around and found another box , also wrapped in the pretty paper . She opened it carefully only to find more newspaper strips . Not willing to believe either that there was a gift in there or that he would trick her like this , she moved the paper strips and found another box which was also wrapped and contained more strips of paper and another box . She kept going until she got to a very small box wrapped in shiny gold paper with a silver metallic bow almost bigger than the box itself . She carefully opened it and found another box in there . She looked at this box , which wasn 't wrapped . She held her breath . The box was from Kay Jewelers but she didn 't dare think it was actually a piece of jewelry . She lifted her eyes and looked at her husband with disbelief . Could he be mean enough to trick her and give her an empty box from the jewelry store ? Her eyes filled with tears as she hesitated before opening the jewelry box . When she did , all she could do was look at the contents with disbelief and an open mouth . She looked at her husband and asked " How ? How could we afford this ? You have to take it back ! " " I am not taking it back . I saved up money for weeks ; a few dollars each week . I paid for it . I didn 't get it on credit . It 's for you . You deserve to have it . I only wish I could have bought it for you when we married . Take it out ! Put it on . See if it fits . They can fix the size if it doesn 't fit . " His eyes were also tear filled and his face was taken up by a huge smile ! The kids looked at the parents , not knowing what was going on , yet knowing it was something good . Their parents were happy . They weren 't fighting . They were happy and so the kids were happy , too . They watched as their mother took two rings out of the little black box . She took her silver band off and put the two new rings on . She looked at the rings and then waved her hand around so the kids could see . Her cheeks were wet but she was happy , not sad . The kids asked why she had taken off her silver ring and she explained to them that the new rings were " real wedding rings " and the one she had taken off was a ring their father had made for her out of a silver quarter . And the kids remembered the summer day a few years before when their father had gotten the quarters and worked in the back yard all day long , tapping the middle of the quarters over and over again with a small hammer he had borrowed from a neighbor . It had been like magic to see the flat round quarters slowly turn into rings . He had made their mother 's ring thinner than his but they matched . And he had shown the kids how he had left the year on the inside of each band and how he had chosen a quarter with their mother 's birth year and one with his own birth year . Their mom had been wearing the band for a few years . Now they looked at it inside the little box the new rings had been in . Their mother held the box in her right hand as she looked at the new rings on her left hand . She got up and hugged their father . He asked her if she liked the set and if they fit and she assured him that they fit and that she loved them . Again she asked him if he was sure that they could afford this extravagant gift and he repeated that she didn 't have to worry about it . They were hers to keep . They were paid for . They didn 't owe anyone for them . That was a happy Christmas for the family . They were all happy on that day . Happy and hopeful that their futures would be bright and happy . There were lots of tears that year as the kids were happy for their mom and Read Full Post » 3 Comments » It 's the day after the snow day . A lot of people are still home from work and school as the roads are icy . I 'm sitting at home , nice and warm . I left the house for about twenty minutes to get some food my daughter picked up for me . Yay for food ! Otherwise , I am looking online for ideas for inexpensive but useful groups for the adults I need to get things for . I also order two things for the youngest grandbaby . I have the kids ' gifts ordered or already in my possession so if I don 't get anything else , that 's fine , I 've got the babies covered ! I also wrote a new Christmas story . This one is a short flash piece ( under 800 words ) . It 's for a guest blog post later this month . It 's fiction . It feels good to sit and write something new . That 's twice this month , both for other bloggers . I 'm going to try to come up with something else later today … maybe for MY blog this time ! For a small town , Montrose had a big parade . It wasn 't fancy . It featured every local school 's marching banc , every gymnastics troop , every scout group , a local motorcycle group performing stunts , and the last few years I attended , even the preschool participated with parents pulling the little ones in wagons and pushing them in strollers . It was fun . It didn 't matter that there were no big , fancy floats . It just mattered that everyone was there for the same reason , to celebrate all the kids in the parade , young and old . I remember the excitement as we headed for the parade each year . We had to get there early so we could get front row seats , sitting on the curb with blankets and taking a big thermos of hot chocolate and some snacks . It wasn 't until years after we started attending that the started to sell hot chocolate and cookies and all sorts of stuff . In fact , it makes me wonder what that little parade is like now . I 'm sure it 's very different from the days when I marched the parade route with my Cub Scouts and my Girl Scouts . In fact , I had to do it twice . I had the parade organizers place my Cub Scouts and Girls Scouts far enough apart so I could march with one troop then run back to the beginning of the route to march with my other troop ! Those were the days when I was young and had a lot more energy . I 'm sure I couldn 't do that now ! Of course , the highlight each year was Santa Claus arriving over the parade route on the search and rescue helicopter ! The helicopter hovered above the parade route with spotlights shining on Santa as he hung out the door waving to the kids below . It really was kinda neat ! 1 Comment » I need Christmas . I think a lot of us do this year . I need the tree to be set up in the corner and to be indoors enjoying being warm and listening to Christmas music . I need it this year more than most . I usually don 't set up a tree this early ; not until the middle of the month most years . However , as I have seen a lot of people post on FB and mention in real life , there seems to be a need for the Christmas spirit quite early this year . I think , for most , it 's a comment on the political situation , not only here in the United States , but also internationally . Christmas is not only about giving and receiving . To me , it 's about slowing down ; it 's about reflecting ; it 's about imagining ; it 's about the past and about the future ; about the young and the old . Christmas is inside of us but it 's best when it escapes a bit so it can be shared with those around us . I don 't want to rush it . I want to relish it . I 'm starting early this year . I 've already watched my favorite holiday movie , It 's A Wonderful Life . I 've already listened to my favorite Christmas playlist , complete with Frank Sinatra , Elvis , Dean Martin , Rod Stewart , and so many others . I have gotten gifts for just the grandsons . I might not make it to getting for others but I will try . I want to be able to sit and enjoy making some gifts ( I 'm going to try to remember how to crochet ! ) and learning some new crafty things . I think I will also have the boys over here to make a few Christmas crafts and maybe a gift for their mom and dad and for their other grandparents . |
not even a mouse " ( but what about a rat ? ) . Saturday night was just plain noisy . Dogs were carrying on over in another colonia - they sounded like they were fighting , or chasing someone , or waiting their turn to reproduce - maybe it 's the season ? Maybe they were ganging up on a cat or some other animal . There has been a smelly corpse floating around down at the corner - it 's just part of the skin and skeleton but the dogs drag it around . Loco rolled in it last weekend and came home smelling awful . Miguel says that it is a porcupine - an animal not normally here on the island . I have seen two clumps of quills lying on the road , so I think he 's correct - I haven 't gotten close enough myself to know for sure . Despite the background noise , we booted Minina off the bed and drifted off to sleep . ( Minina snuggles a little too close to our bodies , and we don 't need a little cat furnace tucked in beside us , especially at this time of year ) . Minina ended up in the chair by the window , which overlooks the pool on the terrace . Around midnight both Minina and I heard the noise at the same time - like a plastic bowl being moved . Seeing Minina pop her head up I decided to get up and check it out . I didn 't see anything , so turned on the outside light . I still didn 't see anything but we both saw the plants move over on the other side of the pool . Something got scared by the light and took off . Minina 's eyes were fixed on the spot in the plants , but there was nothing to see and so I climbed back into bed . Miguel keeps a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo out by the pool , as he likes to clean up before getting in the water . He has been telling me that something has been taking his soap , and I finally believed him when he showed me a bar with teeth marks ; it looked like something had scraped its teeth along the bar in order to eat it . Miguel swears it was a rat . One day he found the bar of soap in the pool - it was a full bar and probably too heavy to carry off . Other days the soap is simply gone . Loco sleeps out on the pool terrace anPosted by We actually had a decent weekend despite the lousy start with the flooded floors . After we mopped up , we ate leftover cheese empanadas and our big plate of fruit - yummy . Miguel had a worker over at the studio apartment so after breakfast he headed over there . I started washing the floors - a process that took me until 3 pm because I did it in parts and dipped in the pool in between , to cool off . It has been very hot here , and the water in the pool is just lovely ( for my taste ) . Once I was finally done with the floors I took a long dip and then had a nice siesta in the hammock . Miguel showed up around 5 pm and we were both hungry , but he was more hot and tired than anything else so he soaked in the pool and then collapsed on the bed . By that time I was starving but agreed to let him sleep for an hour before we rustled up some dinner . In the meantime , I ate a chicken wrap to hold me over . By 7 Miguel was still sleeping . I woke him up , he was hungry , but he was also drained and just wanted to keep sleeping . The golf cart was at the mechanic 's for an oil change so I took a taxi to the hamburg stand - we decided we would have burgers and fries . The stand was just starting up - they were frying the onions . The young woman helper told me it would be about 30 minutes . Hmmm . . . I didn 't want to wait that long as I knew it was prime mosquito hour and they feast on me . I said I 'd come back another night , and walked across the street to put in some numbers on the lottery . As I finished up , I noticed that the owner of the stand was there and starting to cook , so I went back over and asked how long it would be to get 2 burgers with fries - 30 minutes ? No , she said - 25 minutes . We all smiled - I had been at the lottery for 5 minutes so the count - down to the burgers reflected that 5 minutes . I decided I was too hungry to go away without a burger , so placed the order and sat down . I commented that there weren 't any mosquitoes , but I spoke too soon because not 5 minutes later I was getting mobbed . I didn 't say anything but someone inPosted by Last night I went into the laundry room to clean the cat litter box . Usually at least one cat will monitor the cleaning , and will promptly hop in afterwards and use the litter , like they 've been waiting for hours for me to clean it . Sometimes all three cats are standing by . The litter box is not dirty , it is cleaned at least twice a day , and there is a box outside as well . But the cats seem to think it 's their duty to show me that they appreciate the clean litter . Last night it was Smokey who joined me in the laundry room . In fact , she was so keen to show her appreciation that I didn 't even finish before she was in there digging around . I waited as she squatted a couple of times , but then she got distracted by a noise over in the laundry room drain . She jumped out of the box and circled the drain . I heard the noise too , and knew it was probably a cockroach she heard shuffling around . The hose to the washing machine was in the drain - it 's a black plastic tube with a black plastic disc on the end to keep the tube from popping out of the drain ( and to keep anything from flowing up over the tube ) . I decided I would put the plug in the drain so the bug would go away and Smokey could get on with her plans for the evening . As I pulled on the drain tube , the disc popped up and the cockroach sprung up in the air - it was obviously on the top of the disc and not in the drain , as I 'd thought . When the bug flew up Smokey jumped back which made me jump and then I started screaming , which scared Smokey even more and she took off . I grabbed a small broom in one hand and a dust pan in the other and trapped the roach and carried it to the bathroom . There were no lights on , the bathroom door was closed , and the toilet seat was down , which meant I had to let go of either the broom or the dustpan . I chose the broom , knowing the odds of keeping the roach trapped between the broom and the pan were against me as one hand just couldn 't apply the same pressure . However , somehow the roach was still there , and I shook it into the toilet and Posted by In my last blog I wrote about Miguel going back to school . The people who wrote comments were overwhelmingly supportive and positive , and I shared all the comments with Miguel . Thanks to each and every one of you for the encouragement . It is not easy to admit that one has not completed school , but unfortunately it is not that uncommon here . I know of people who cannot even read ( one man sells foods in the streets and although he can 't read , he knows his math - how much he should get for his goods ) . Uneducated does not mean unintelligent , as those of you who commented certainly recognize . I would like to highlight one comment because it touched me and made me laugh . Not everyone reads the comments posted to a blog , and I don 't want this comment to be lost in space - it needs to be shared . Here is what Barbara in Jalisco wrote : " at about age 35 i decided i wanted to go to college . i packed up my 10 - year - old son and the few things that would fit into my little Honda Civic , and off we went from New Orleans to Indiana , where i enrolled as a freshman at Indiana University in Bloomington . five years later ( i had to take a year off to establish residency ) , i graduated with a B . G . S . ( bachelor 's degree in general studies - - i still couldn 't make up my mind what i wanted to be when i grew up ) . i was asked to speak at one of the functions held for graduates after the ceremony . i said i felt like the scarecrow in " The Wizard of Oz " . . . . i wasn 't sure i was any smarter , but i had a piece of paper now that said i was . however , i would not trade the experience for the world . . . . even though i 'm STILL paying off students loans from graduate school . ( yes , i continued on , working on my doctorate in anthropology . ) so Miguel , more power to you ! learn for the love of learning ! learn more about things you already know something about , and learn new things about areas where you don 't know much . ( for me , that included Shakespeare , art appreciation , and physical anthropology . ) and , Sue , as to what i learned in high school that is still with me aftPosted by I 've been a student most of my life . As a child , I was a reluctant student , finding it difficult to get up in the mornings to get off to school . Maybe if they 'd had later hours it would have been easier . I didn 't really hate school , I just hated getting up . A false tummy ache was declared many times in order to convince my mother that I was sick , but she knew my tricks and it rarely worked . In high school I 'd get up just a few minutes before I had to leave for school . No breakfast . I quickly threw on some clothes , brushed teeth and hair , and headed out . Although I got great marks in school , I didn 't work hard for them and was not a dedicated learner . I was bored and uninterested in most of my subjects , and if you ask me what I learned in all those years that serves me now , I 'm stuck beyond the obvious math , reading , language , and basic science knowledge that one seems to need throughout life . Oh - I did take Home Economics and learned how to sew . They tried to teach me how to cook too , but I had better teachers - my mother and grandmothers . As an adult , I 've continued taking courses that are geared to my interest or my work - and in many cases , both . I 'm very lucky to be doing the type of work that also happens to be what I enjoy . Learning is fun , and a challenge , and I put everything I have into it . In my second career ( information technology ) , keeping current is required . Let your skills become obsolete and you are no longer marketable . Miguel 's education history is very different than mine . Growing up in the mountains and expected to work on the land , he had little time to attend school or do his homework . I hope one day he will write about his perspectives on that , it is very interesting . At the age of 14 Miguel 's father brought him to Isla Mujeres to help work at Aquarama ( now Zama 's Beach Club ) . Aquarama was similar to Marineland in Niagara Falls - dolphins , sea lions , and other aquatic and non - aquatic creatures . Although Miguel learned a lot while working there , his formal education stopped . Later Miguel joinePosted by With the construction on his second apartment on hold until we get a better picture of the upcoming financial scene , Miguel is home more . This gives him an opportunity to cook , and me an opportunity to enjoy his cooking . Last week Miguel made yellow mole with chicken and vegetables . It looked red to me but he said it was yellow , and that it depended on the type of chili used as to whether it was called yellow or red or black , etc . Since I 'm not an expert on mole ( other than I no longer like the one made with chocolate because I once ate it when it had been in the freezer and it made me sick , sick , sick and I hold a grudge ) , I will accept that it was yellow mole . It was delicious the first time around , and the next morning he turned it into enchiladas mole , and then later tostadas mole . There was one final full meal from the batch before it was finished , and it is one of those dishes that just improves with age ( to a point - i . e . , do not freeze the leftovers ) . We buy hot tortillas to go with our breakfasts , and usually end up throwing out the ones leftover after we hold onto them for a day or so thinking we 'll use them for something and they go moldy . But lately Miguel has been frying them up nice and crispy and sprinkling them with salt - they taste like popcorn , are crunchy , and just delicious . We keep thinking we 'll make guacamole to go with them , but we do not have good luck with avocados - they almost always rot before we use them . We need to buy the avocado the day we plan to use it , but that is almost like planning the day and so often our plans deviate from what we thought the day would be . The avocado ends up sitting on the counter another day and starts to turn black inside . Even the fridge doesn 't stop the fruit from going bad , it just slows it down . The other night Miguel stayed up late making his wonderful red sauce that we use for egg omelet and chilaquiles . He also made some delicious homefried potatoes while he was at it . I was sound asleep while he toiled over the hot stove , but I didn 't feel bad , thPosted by Wherever we go , one of us usually gets to sit on the golf cart with Loco ; usually it 's me . It 's a great opportunity to sit and observe the world around me , and often I see something that makes me chuckle ( sometimes discreetly because the thing I saw maybe didn 't seem funny to the person it involved ) . Familia Tomas sells things other than a full meal - liquid beans , soup broth , etc . Families that cannot afford the 90 pesos for a chicken dinner can afford the 5 pesos for the broth to make their own soup . The other day I was sitting on the cart while Miguel was in buying our BBQ chicken dinner . Out came a young girl of about 6 , carrying in her arms a plastic container of liquid - looked like beans . She had to be careful not to spill the liquid , but she no doubt had lots of practice , because as she walked she casually dipped her finger into the liquid and tasted it . And she continued to dip and taste all the way to her house down the road . Not sure her mother or siblings would have appreciated her dipping , but what they didn 't know wouldn 't hurt them . Last night I was sitting on the cart while Miguel was buying his lottery tickets . Two young boys came by and immediately started petting Loco and asked his name . They had a small plastic car with them , with an empty large bottle for water on the seat . After playing with Loco a bit , they scooted the car across the road . One boy went upstairs to get the key to unlock the cooler down at the side of the road . He was small enough that the full bottle of water was a struggle for him , but he managed to switch the bottles and maneuver the full bottle back onto the car seat . Something I 've observed before is that nobody takes the keys back upstairs to the store . The clerk in the store hangs over the balcony and the customer throws the keys back up to the clerk . The small boy tossed the keys up , and missed by a long shot . The clerk grinned , and noticed me grinning , and we silently exchanged a smile that indicated tolerance for children . The young boy retrieved the keys and tossed thPosted by I have a sensitive nose . I can smell things a lot of people around me don 't notice . The sense of smell can trigger memory . For the longest time the smell of Dove soap on my skin triggered the memory of when Jen was a baby - don 't know why it brings back that particular memory , as I 've used Dove soap all my life . The smell of coffee in the morning drums up memories of a visiting grandmother from Montreal - she was always up early and had her coffee percolating long before anyone else was awake . I 'd lay in bed and the smell of coffee would waft up into my bedroom . That meant - Grandma was here ! The stale smell of cigarettes brings back memories of another grandmother . She rolled her own cigarettes for a long time and that made the odor more unique . But a better smell I also relate to her is of a pot roast cooking on the stove . Yum ! Getting back to the strong sense of smell . . . I can smell rain and snow - that is , the air smells different when rain or snow is on its way . I sniff and declare that we will have rain , or it is going to snow . Maybe I should have been a weather woman . But my long - range forecast wouldn 't fly - I can only predict weather that is imminent . This morning the air smells like McAllen Texas . I started flying to McAllen many years ago , and I was always struck by the humid , hot , damp smell as I exited the airport . Mexico has its own distinct smell , but today it is smelling like McAllen Texas here on my street . I think it has something to do with the street workers clearing plants and moving rocks and uncovering moist earth ( they are getting ready to lay down sidewalks ) . With the gentle breeze we are enjoying , it is very pleasant . Another smell that has nothing to do with my talents to smell weather , is the smell of death . Cruising down the road we will pass an area that has an odor that is hard to describe ; it means there is a dead animal somewhere nearby . Yesterday morning I walked around two of our blocks trying to detect that odor and not wanting to detect it . Luna had been missing since Friday eveningPosted by Yesterday we picked up a chicken with the fixings from Familia Tomas in Canotal , and headed to the east coast with a fork , paper towels , beach mats , and a towel . The idea was to have a picnic on the beach - break the routine of eating at the kitchen counter . It was a hot sunny day , but on the east side there was a cooling breeze . Since it was Miguel 's idea , I let him decide where to go and where to set up . I thought we 'd sit on the sand , but he drove farther down the coast to the rocky area . We carted our stuff over to a big rock right in front of the breaking waves , and laid out the meal . Only problem - there was nowhere to sit , we 'd used the mats to place under the food . So we stood up and ate - tearing at the pieces of chicken with our hands and wrapping the food in tortillas . We ate the spaghetti in a tortilla too . After the meal I wanted to wash my hands . To get to a small cove where I could go in and wash my hands , I had to walk over the rocky shore . I was wearing crocs and my feet slipped around as I stumbled over the small rocks and shells . Once I was in the water and standing in the sandy bay , my crocs made it even harder to walk . My foot slid sideways , and I stumbled , catching myself on a rock but pulling a muscle in my back as I twisted . Ouch . It wasn 't easy getting out of the water with slippery feet , but I couldn 't take my crocs off because of the sharp rocks . Carefully I plodded , watching every single step so I wouldn 't make a wrong move and end up sprawled on the ground . Miguel had found a small area on the other side where we could sit and watch the surf - only problem was , I had to climb down from the rock to get there . It wasn 't much more than a giant step down , but in slippery crocs , I grabbed Miguel 's shoulder for support and gingerly placed my feet . Getting out later was another challenge , and then walking back to the golf cart with wet feet , sliding all over the place . I picked up each foot and planted it before taking another step - sort of like those show horses when they prance around the rPosted by I work in the service industry - the high - tech service industry . Part of my job is to provide support to all our users out there , people who are just trying to do their job when the computer system causes a hiccup in their daily routine . When a user has a problem , they open a support ticket . My job is to solve this episode of the hiccups , and if possible , prevent further ones . Sometimes the issue in the ticket is so simple that I am left shaking my head wondering why the person with the ' problem ' could not figure it out on their own . Sometimes the problem is already resolved by the time I see the ticket - in those cases , it was usually a matter of rebooting the computer to get things back to normal . And sometimes it 's a ' local ' issue , something that never should have been sent up to corporate to start with . Thinking about all the types of problems I 've dealt with , and the knowledge level of the users , it usually boils down to two things : a ) inexperience and b ) not taking the time to understand the issue . Many of our users have hectic days and heavy workloads , and they simply don 't have the time to ponder on something and try to figure it out - it 's much faster to open a ticket and let someone else handle it . I 'm just like our users in some things . I 've innocently called service people to fix a very simple issue ( in some cases it wasn 't even an issue , I just thought it was ) . Here are some examples : 1 . One night we were watching tv when we heard an intermittent squeak coming from the area of the tv . We got up and turned the tv off and back on ( in those days there were no remote controls ) . The squeak continued , even when the tv was off . Must be something inside that was making the noise . So the next day we called the tv repairman , who came to the house . While he was working at taking the back off the tv , we heard the noise . The repairman looked up at the clock above the tv . The clock had a second hand , and every time the second hand moved over the ' 12 ' , it rubbed on the number and made a squeak . ' Problem ' solved . SheepiPosted by I 've been reading various message forums for years . There is one forum that I 've only been reading for a few months , and the people posting questions on that forum tend to be those who have never been to Isla before . With the opening of a large resort in the heart of Centro , many of the questions have been focused on the resort itself - what amenities it offers , the food , the alcohol , the service , the rooms , etc . Sensing that the type of tourist attracted to Isla is under - going significant change , I 've been wondering what effect this resort and its 60 guest rooms might have on the occupancy rates of the small hotel / apartment / rental home business . There can 't be that many visitors to Isla to keep all these places in business , can there ? But something I read today made me realize that maybe there 's nothing to worry about . The poster wrote that they were off to " The Resort " . For this tourist , the attraction is more about the resort than the island . This is not the type of tourist who would have come to Isla for the first time and stayed in a $ 35 apartment in a colonia anyway . Where they would be on their own to find food and other services , often dealing with locals who don 't speak English . The resort type of tourist might be looking for something predictable , a place where they feel secure and protected , where they don 't have to try to communicate with non - English - speaking staff . Or a place where they can just eat and drink and relax and not worry about anything outside the resort . Perhaps once they come and learn more about the island , they will become the type of tourist who will rent the $ 35 / day apartment . Or maybe not , maybe they will always be the resort type . I guess my conclusion is that the resorts are attracting a different type of tourist , tourists that would not normally have come to Isla were it not for the resort . So maybe they will love the resort and simply keep coming back there , or maybe they will discover Isla and branch out into other wonderful rental properties . Or maybe they won 't like any of it aPosted by Looking out the window is the pet equivalent of watching tv . During the day they watch the lizards and birds flitting about the garden . During the night they watch the geckos and moths under the lights . Occasionally there is another cat to watch - the grey ' baby ' that hangs around , or the white tom that is so aggressive even I would like to see him done in . The other night I walked into the room to find all three females staring out the front window . . . Left to right : Smokey ( 5 months ) , Minina ( 2 . 5 years ) , Maya ( 10 months ) Of course , it 's hard to sneak up on cats and get their photo without distracting them . . . The front window is a popular place for all the animals , although Loco rarely gets a chance to enjoy that spot with all the cats taking it over . On the weekend the ' baby ' grey cat ( that recently lost his best buddie / father ( Chong ) ) had been following Luna everywhere and calling out to her . Luna was growling and letting him know she wanted nothing to do with him , but later in the afternoon I noted that the grey cat , exhausted , had finally fallen asleep in the corner of the garden wall . Luna was sitting on the front part of the wall , simply watching . . . as if to say " there , you finally went to sleep " . Later we went out , and when we came back , Luna ( who was now inside the house ) , was parked in front of the same window , looking out - as if she was still watching the sleeping grey cat . And since then , Luna does not want to come in the house other than to grab a bite to eat . I think she has taken over being a baby - sitter whether she wanted to or not . I meant to write about this when I got back from my trip a couple of weeks ago . I was standing outside the airport waiting for my ride . Standing in the shade with my luggage , trying to stay cool and not succeeding . I watched all kinds of people arriving , and observed their joy at greeting loved ones . Along came an older couple - pushing two luggage carts piled high with luggage . A van pulled up to the curb and out got a man and a woman . The side doors of the van opened and there sat two kids - a girl and a boy , probably about 11 or 12 . The girl was eating a bag of chips . I was trying to figure out why the older couple had so much luggage , and why they were not even greeted by the people in the van . I expected hugs and kisses , but they didn 't even say anything and just proceeded to deal with the luggage . I then decided that there was too much luggage for the older couple , and that the group had been traveling together and the younger family had gone to pick up the van . That explanation made sense , and so I moved on to the next part of my speculation . The woman and older man struggled to push the carts to the van , and the two men proceeded to pile the luggage into the back . The older woman made her way to the other side of the van , looking for a seat , but the two kids just sat there and did not seem inclined to move over to let her in ( I assume she was their grandmother ) . The girl just kept eating her chips , oblivious to making space , getting out and helping with the luggage , or doing anything other than moving her hand from the bag to her mouth . I did not think the men could possibly get all the luggage in the back but they did . The older man got into the front passenger seat - I guess he was the grandfather . The younger man was the driver . The older woman slid in beside the boy , who moved over a bit towards his sister ( who was still eating chips ) . The mother came back from wherever she 'd gone ( maybe the bathroom ) , and she slid into the other side - 4 people sitting in the second row intended to seat two . The woman pPosted by Yesterday 's post was about waiting for the third ridiculous incident . Well , we are not waiting any longer . . . Miguel went off this morning to buy cochinita pibil for our guests and to pick up a few things at the mercado . I puttered in the kitchen with a couple other sides and then sat on the couch under the fans to cool off . I heard Miguel 's footsteps coming down the road , which meant the golf cart had let him down . We had just been saying how well the cart was running , but this morning it was stop and go for a while and then finally - stop . We are so used to this that we don 't even get upset any more , we just leave the cart wherever it stops and start walking . Later Miguel will go to the mechanic 's house and tell him where the cart is , and the mechanic will fix it , and we 'll be good for another couple of weeks . What 's that saying ? It ends something like " Accept what you cannot change . . . " ? Since a new golf cart is not an option , it 's this golf cart or nothing . So we will stick with this cart , and just accept that there will be frequent inconvenient breakdowns that don 't cost much to repair ( normally ) , and that 's just how it is . On another note , it 's a gorgeous sunny day , our guests leave around 11 , and after that we 'll be enjoying the hammocks , the pool , and the terraces all afternoon . It 's Sunday - our day to just hang out and do nothing ( or almost nothing ) . Yippee ! So far this morning we 've had two unexpected events : 1 . The power bar I use in the guest kitchenette simply wouldn 't work . I plugged in the kettle , the coffee maker , turned it on and off - nothing . I plugged the coffee maker directly into the outlet and it worked . So the problem was the power bar - one of the cheaper models that doesn 't have a reset button . Ok , so we found another power bar and brought the ' broken ' one downstairs to check out after breakfast . 2 . After serving breakfast to our guests , we were sitting at the kitchen counter eating our own meal . We heard a hissing noise , looked at each other and then quickly got up to see where it was coming from . The bathroom - hot water was spewing from under the sink , at the connection at the top of the hose to the tap . I tried to turn off the shut - off valve but the water was too hot and was burning my hand . Miguel turned off the power to the hot water tank and closed the water supply from the tank . In the meantime I 'd gone into the kitchen and retrieved an oven mitt and managed to turn off the shut - off valve at the sink . One of us had done the trick , we just weren 't sure which one - hoping it was me because that meant we could turn the hot water back on so our guests would not be inconvenienced . We tested and luckily it was the shut - off valve at the sink that stopped the flood . Made us realize how lucky we 'd been to be here when that happened because if we hadn 't been , the hot water tank would have burned out , as would the water pump up on the roof . An expensive little leak , for sure , not to mention flooding the bottom level of the house and having that mess to deal with . As it is , the bathroom floor got a good soak with very hot water , and even though I was not happy when Tony installed a floor drain in there , it served to allow the water to simply drain off the floor instead of me having to mop it up . So . . . thanks , Tony ! After breakfast I checked the power bar and the darn thing works now . I don 't get it , there is no reason . Guess I 'll just keep it as a spare and Posted by Don 't really have any one subject to write about , but will catch you all up on little things : - Chong is still missing , so I fear the worst . Yesterday morning his ' son ' ( we think that is the relationship ) was calling for him - prowling all over the garden , looking , crying and calling . The two cats would frolic on the front terrace and were best buddies , even though both were male . The grey cat ( Cheech ) is lonely . Luna was stretched out on a rock in the front garden and Cheech went over and sat beside her for company . Luna immediately got up and came to the front door , and Cheech followed hopefully . Cheech doesn 't know that Luna is not a cat 's cat - she 's a solitary being . So sad for Cheech . - Honeymooners are checking in tomorrow . We 've had people here on their anniversary , but other than Jen and Miko , nobody on their honeymoon . Hopefully we will find some fragrant lilies at the flowershop tomorrow to brighten their room . I hope the weather will be wonderful for them , and it looks like they 'll get a full moon . - Miguel installed a make - shift latch lock on the patio screen door in the guest suite , so in case Luna won 't come in at night , at least she won 't be inviting herself into the guest room . Last night I was sound asleep and Luna just shoved the screen aside with a bang and marched in . Not a nice way to be woken up ; hopefully the lock will frustrate her and she 'll stop opening the doors . - Mango is past its prime . The last few mornings we 've been disappointed with the quality of the fruit , and one morning I simply spit it out it was so sour I couldn 't eat it . Another morning it tasted fermented , like alcohol - spit that mouthful out too . We still have a few on the counter that look hopeful , and one this morning tasted decent , so hopefully there will still be some good feasts yet to come . - I 've decided that I really like the Mexican chicken from Familia Tomas more than Rosticeria chicken . The chicken from Familia Tomas still has that tasty red rub , but is cooked over charcoal instead of on the spit . The meal comes Posted by Well , it finally happened . The night after I left for Canada some kids took the golf cart sometime after Miguel and Loco went to bed , and they both slept through it . Around 2 am Miguel got up to the bathroom and as part of his ' routine ' , he went outside just to take a look around . He did a double - take when he realized that the golf cart was not where it had been left . Miguel hailed a cab to go to his house to get his moped so he could go in search of the cart . In the cab was a drunk , being delivered to somewhere in the colonia next to ours . While the cab was parked on the side street waiting for the drunk to fumble in his pockets to pay , Miguel spotted the cart cruise by at the end of the street . " Follow them ! " , Miguel told the driver . The driver was still waiting for the drunk to pay but Miguel told him to forget it - he would make it up to him . So the drunk got a free ride home . Off they went in chase . Miguel said the kids were driving all over the road , having a great time weaving back and forth and cruising along the inner road near the lagoon . The golf cart is rather slow , and it didn 't take long to catch up to them . Miguel went over to the kids and asked them what they were doing with his cart . They claimed they had found it out in the bushes at Sac Bajo and they were just bringing it back . Sure - then why were they going in the opposite direction from our house ? Miguel took over driving the cart and took the three kids to the police station . ( I 'm sort of amazed that the kids actually went willingly - I think I would have jumped off and made a run for it if I 'd been them ) . The kids told Miguel that the golf cart was not working very well - it was going slow and then it would stop . Like Miguel doesn 't know . Not a very good get - away vehicle . At the police station the kids told the same story about finding the cart at Sac Bajo , and that is a credible story but after more questioning , the kids gave conflicting answers and it became clear that they were lying . The police asked Miguel what he wanted them to do with Posted by I got back yesterday afternoon after a quick trip to Canada and then a work week in the US . As always when I 'm in Canada I 'm appreciative of how easy it is to get things done compared to here . Having a car makes a difference . I found a Mediterranean chicken wrap / sandwich at McDonald 's , and was pleasantly surprised at how great it tasted . I also had a Happy Meal on the run during a trip to Walmart , and brought the stuffed toy home for Smokey and / or Loco , whichever claims it first . We had dinner at the Capri Restaurant ( chicken cacciatore , the non - seafood special for Saturday night ) . I ate so many pieces of warm crunchy Italian bread that I was full before the main meal came . But I managed to eat most of it , and the rest made a nice light snack the next day . My last night there I had dinner with Jen at The Keg - a steak place that I think tops any in the area . I splurged and had filet mignon , and it had no fat and was cooked just right . The hot sour - dough bread was good with melted butter . I guess I ate far more bread than I ever eat in Mexico , but it was all so good . On Monday afternoon I flew to corporate for a very tough week , in more ways than one . Sixteen months ago I was asked to apply for my position and relocate to corporate , and when I declined I basically started working on borrowed time . I was promised 3 months notice of when my full - time hours would stop , and should feel lucky that I was able to stay on for so long . But the time has come ( not a good time for them , not a good time for me , but so be it ) . I will probably still have some work on a project basis , but it means I have to pay a lot more attention to the costs of daily living , and need to really look hard for alternate sources of income . I was so happy just to get back home yesterday and find almost everyone doing well . Minina has recovered almost completely from her Bell 's Palsy and she 's more active and playful than she 's been in a long time ( maybe the injection of vitamins helped ? ) . Smokey is fully recovered from her spay surgery and is back to pePosted by A Canadian born and bred settling into life with a gentle - minded Mexican man . We share a beautiful garden home with wonderful views of the seas , lagoons , and colonias - this home is now open as a B & B for guests interested in exploring the Mexican culture . Other inhabitants are our dog Loco and our cats Minina , Maya , Luna , Smokey , and Cappuchina . All animals were strays who decided this was a pretty nice place to call home . And they were right ! I waited over two hours for the Carnaval parade . You waited a week for my photos ! I told you manana , but what that really means in Mexico is not tomorrow . . . * I have decided to try and post on my blog while we are in Mexico . It has been a few years since I have utilized it , but think I will try it . I will be . . . |
Childhood marked the time of missing teeth , untied shoelaces , and the call for a mother when we fell too hard on the pavement . The playground was the biggest world we knew , and our backyard some untold story from another universe . The little yellow lot , that was my house . Aged shingles marked the dried roof , cracked paint ran along the sides between the garage and the main house . It was in dire need of a good coat of paint , but it was our safe haven . When you came , we 'd play astronaut together , Indiana Jones , or whatever we wanted . The world was ours , and we were innocent enough to be safe from the tragedy just off the curb . Middle school , that was awkward for both of us . We never lost touch though . Even if I was the strange redhead in the back of class , and you the corresponding clown , we still managed to click together in a harmonious little pair . Just the two of us . From time to time , we would fight , but who didn 't ? Puberty was a weird time for both of us . You got taller , I became more feminine , and playing doctor in the backyard was territory forgotten . Affections were lost on each other . Unrequited love is painful and often times an awkward series of events . Maybe I should have paid more attention when you serenaded me to old time love songs in the borrowed cars of our parents . Maybe you should have noticed the extra attention , the sidelong glance from behind a curtain of hair . We were only human , and what we notice is often beyond what we understand . I left . You left . College ? It was a mystery what had happened to us , and there 's only one thing to say now that you 're gone . . . Ellen grew up with one best friend . She was too much of a quiet girl to branch out and attempt to socialize with the outside world . In her mind , there were few she trusted , even fewer who she liked . Her days were spent in her backyard , thinking up new ways to save the day in her own imagination . Some called her over imaginative , but that never stopped her , and the constant encouragement from her family only served to strengthen her mind . As she grew older , playtime became less important as she made way for her studies . This was a point in her life where her family became more strict , and fights were commonplace . Ellen would never say she had a bad childhood , but she certainly had her fair share of disagreements within her family . When Ellen moved to college , she felt freed . There were no rules or limitations , and curfew was a thing of the past . This is where she turned from a sweet , over cautious student , into a hard drinking party girl . She maintained decent grades , but , they were never anything to boast about . As the years went on , she learned to balance both sides of her , but she heavily favored her inner alcoholic . The heavy bass and flare of bright neon lights was enough to make anyone feel sick , but the atmosphere was so familiar , like a breath of fresh air after the long gauntlet of final examinations . It was someone 's basement , but , Ellen hadn 't inquired as to who 's home she was intruding . The party was there , the music loud and the people drinking better than fish in the ocean . Ellen let her hair down in a flash of deep red , howling with the rest of them in excitement . The burning taste of cheap vodka melted away her worries , the room became a blur before she was aware of anything else . It hardly mattered . Half the fun was losing sight of the world around you and letting it all come down , bit by bit . The couch became a soft bed of grass to lay your head , and the floor an infinite abyss in which to heave up any sickness . This gentle meadow was so much more than a living room when she didn 't care what cheap drink she consumed . It had been less than a week since Ellen 's return from her second year at a not so local college . Four solid hours of pavement separated her from the lifestyle she feared and cherished . At a first glance , no one would have been able to tell that the wild red head was pursuing a degree in nursing , a probable six year challenge if she worked hard and made the right connections . Ellen liked helping people just as much as she enjoyed helping herself to another little red plastic cup , filled with who knew what from who knew where . She threw her head back and fell further into her demented daydream of swaying willows in the wind . Ellen was drunk , and any place was better than the sweat stained atmosphere of a local college party . She hadn 't half a mind to say where she even was . In the morning , she 'd wake up , find her bearings , and make her way home to the family which loathed her split personality . It was Monica Anderson , a tiny thing with dyed blonde hair and a slightly crooked smile . Braces hadn 't been an option , what with her family having been too poor to afford the down payment . She 'd been on and off again friends with Ellen since middle school . They warmed up again to one another after having spent too much time at parties , and having made connections between them . Monica had turned twenty one before Ellen , and in exchange for buying the younger liquor , all Ellen had to do was write a paper or two from time to time , just enough to keep her failing grades at an average of a poor C . " Hell , I don 't know , just try it ! " Monica giggled , a half snorting , half delirious noise that should have sent alarm bells ringing . Ellen threw it back without another thought . " . . . en . Ellen ? " Monica 's weary voice made it 's way to Ellen 's ears . She groaned , and slapped a hand across her face to smack her out of her groggy state . " Girl , get up ! Boys want us to go . " " What boys ? " Ellen grumbled . Her head throbbed in symphony with the bass she couldn 't hardly recall . An unknown tune sang it 's way through her head as she started to recall some of the previous night 's happenings . Monica half dragged Ellen from the house and started her on the path home . It was no different than an overdrawn walk of shame . Ellen 's mascara ran halfway down her cheeks , a bit of lip stick was smeared on the corner of her lip . She looked like she 'd been crying . Quickly as she could , Monica handed the girl a slightly damp facial towel , for which Ellen was grateful . She didn 't enjoy looking like beauty and the beast all in one . The walk home was quiet , almost peaceful . The sun only peaked above the horizon in front of her , casually waving good morning to the early commuters with a bright ray to their rear view mirror . At least now with her face washed up , Ellen could wave to the familiar faces without judgement , even if her skin tight black dress was hiked halfway up her legs . She made it to the little corner lot , worn yellow paint , to find both her parents ' cars still in the driveway . It was odd , but she didn 't question the sight . Ellen stumbled to get her key to go in the front door , but with that gentle nudge of crafted metal , she had pushed the door slightly ajar . Confused now , she took one step inside , then another , until she rounded into the living room and let out a horrible cry . With an easygoing personality and wickedly quick wit , Chad spent most of his childhood as the kid everyone wanted to have around . This despite the fact he never excelled at sports , didn 't come from money , and certainly had no grandiose sense of style . His ability to make people laugh and penchant for seeing the brighter side of life was almost contagious . Even after his mother left , for reasons that were never quite clear , Chad never lost his good natured personality . In his defensive , he never intended to drink at all that evening . Instead , his grand plan was to sit on the battered couch in his father 's basement , kick his feet up on the coffee table , and find something halfway decent to watch on what passed for basic cable these days . Sad and pathetic , yes , but also blissfully uncomplicated . At one in the morning , he admitted defeat and was heading to bed when Kevin Wilks showed up on the doorstep bearing three gifts : a bottle of Captain Morgan 's , a bottle of Southern Comfort , and , God help them , a bottle of Jägermeister . Kevin wasn 't what Chad would call a close friend . However , Kevin seemed to be under the impression they were lifelong compadres . Still , Chad didn 't mind having the guy around , if only because it made him feel just a little better about his own prospects in life . That night , the older boy looked especially pathetic . With pale skin , sunken eyes , and a sheen of sweat on his brow that couldn 't have been caused by the pleasant summer night , Kevin looked like he 'd escaped from an unsuccessful stint in rehab . Once the two settled in and each had taken a shot from the unholy trinity of liquor , Chad got the story out of his buddy . " Amber dumped me , " Kevin lamented as he flopped down on the couch . " She said she 'd met some other guy , someone who wanted to make something of his life . She actually said I had no ambition , and that I 'd end up selling used cars like my dad . She didn 't want to settle for someone who sold used cars . " Chad nodded somberly , like you were supposed to , but the truth was he didn 't much care . Amber was right . Kevin had no ambition , and he probably would follow in his father 's footsteps . The mere fact that she stayed with him as long as she had was a downright miracle . In any case , this breakup news didn 't come as a surprise . Still , you had to be there for your friends , right ? " What about Monica Anderson ? " Chad suggested , trying to be encouraging . He picked up the remote and resumed his hunt for something interesting to watch . " I hear she 's back from college . " Kevin almost spewed his last slug of Jägermeister all over the coffee table , not that anyone would have ever noticed with the myriad of mystery stains already decorating its surface . " That crooked toothed bitch , " he said , after managing to down the liquor . " No thank you . " " No way . We hung out a little in like junior high , before she turned all annoying and shit . Besides , she 's a college girl now . They 're too good for country bumpkins like us . " Chad suspected there was more to the story than his friend led on , but he wasn 't about to dig deeper when the guy had already clearly had a rough night . Besides , he was bristling at being lumped in with the country bumpkin crowd . It was true , though . He was now part of that less than illustrious group known as townies , those poor souls who lived their entire lives in this place without any hope of getting out . " I don 't think I could kiss her , " Kevin continued , blithely ignorant of Chad 's momentary self - loathing . " And it 's not just the teeth , though that girl could really use a set of braces . No , it 'd be like kissing my sister … if I had a sister . It would be the same as you hooking up with Ellen . " Ellen … She 'd probably been back from school for a week or so now . Chad absent mindedly set down the remote , randomly settling on a channel where an all too energetic man was trying to sell them the world 's best and most innovative juicer . Ellen was the reason he hadn 't gone to the Harper twins ' party that night . Of course , he 'd been invited . He was invited to all the parties . But Ellen might be there , and he couldn 't take that risk , not yet . He imagined her face when he told her about being asked not to return to college after the fall semester , could see the disappointment and disapproval in her eyes . They 'd grown apart over the last couple years , mainly due to distance rather than a falling out . Even though he hadn 't really spoken much to her since they 'd both gone off to college , her opinion still mattered more to him than anyone else , and her reproach would be especially painful . Thankfully , Chad didn 't have time to dwell on Ellen long . Kevin become mesmerized by the man in the infomercial , and exclaimed , " I got to get me one of those . I 've always wanted to know if you can juice an avocado . You could have like a guacamole flavored drink . Man , wouldn 't that be great ? " From there the night devolved into a haze of random conversation and drunkenness . When morning came , Chad found himself on the couch . Kevin was gone , replaced by a rather unfriendly hangover . There were lights of a different kind . Blue and red , alternating between each alarmingly bright hue . A siren blared to another kind of tune , something simple , rhythmic , and too loud for the early morning with its hard and tinny pitch . The officer behind the commotion shut off the sirens , but left the lights on for one reason or another that Ellen couldn 't comprehend . Her eyes didn 't mind the distraction though , they darted from side to side as they changed . Anything to get her attention off the grim scene she 'd stumbled into . It hadn 't been long for Ellen 's good neighbors , the Parker family , to respond to her desperate cries . She pounded on their door out of shock , her heart wrenching sobs filled their entryway within minutes . They came out in their early clothes , robes thick as pillows , the missus had her hair half curled , their two boys with foam at the sides of their mouth after having brushed their teeth . It took some time for an ambulance to arrive as well as a few patrol cars from the next town over . Their hometown wasn 't big enough to justify a fully enforced law department , and so back up was called , more so for the situation at hand . Murder was a big deal , for any town of course , but when the population was relatively small , the departments didn 't often know how to handle a delicate problem like homicide . Ellen had stumbled upon the bodies of her mother , father , and brother sometime before the Parker family had been off to work . Every other vehicle took their sweet time passing by as soon as the emergency squads had shown up , and taped off the property . She watched as the bodies were taken out on carts and bits of the house were marked off as evidence . Poor Ellen couldn 't go inside for fear she might contaminate the scene . " Three dead . Forced entry . " A cop had tried to be subtle about spreading the information , but , in their little town ? The news spread like wildfire within the hour , even off the little corner lot tucked away on the far side of town . The mother of the Parkers , Mary , had her arms wrapped around Ellen in a protective embrace . Ellen was tucked beneath several layers of blankets , to ward off the shock , a paramedic had explained . She didn 't need them to fend off the cold , the heat of the summer morning was hard on everyone but the tear stained girl . Her limbs ached and shook every time the lights atop the police car alternated . Blue . Red . Blue . Red . Where she 'd tried so hard to find a distraction in the color , she 'd only found more pain . Ellen gripped the Parker woman hard , disbelief warped through the very bones beneath her flesh . The families had been somewhat close , Parker and Davis , having been neighbors for many years . Mary watched the girl grow up into the less than proud woman she wanted her to become , but nevertheless , her growth had been there . That boy she always played with came over from time to time , and she sure as hell wished he 'd been there that morning instead of having her alone . She shook her head from side to side , then slowly , up and down . Ellen wasn 't sure what she wanted to do . Her life had been slashed to pieces before her eyes , quite literally . Blood had smeared the bottom of her shoes , and she 'd tossed them away , allowed them to be taken as evidence . She 'd touched death , and wanted no more . " Do you have a friend you want me to call ? " Mary lead Ellen inside anyways . " Come inside , please , you don 't need to be out here any more . " The names wouldn 't come . Monica sounded foreign , and the Harper twins seemed like strangers now , even though they 'd only just seen each other a few hours prior . She didn 't know who to call or what she was supposed to say . The words , like the names , just couldn 't come out of her mouth . Ellen 's lips twitched with anxiety before another wave of tears burst forth . Chad rolled off the couch , landing on all fours and nearly impaling his hand on a piece of broken glass . It looked to be the neck of the Southern Comfort bottle . When had that happened ? Truth be told , he only had hazy recollections of anything past 2 a . m . or so , and some of those memories must have been snippets from a dream because they made no sense . However , he was quite sure Kevin had called that toll - free number and ordered himself a juicer . Rising on unsteady legs , he shambled toward the kitchen to get some water . The basement of the Metzger house had been converted into an apartment of sorts : with kitchen , bathroom , and even a separate entryway out back . It was a gift Larry Metzger gave his son when the boy entered high school . The old man said it was so that his son could learn to be independent , but Chad knew better . His father was trying to be the world 's best dad , to make up for the miserable excuse of a mother he had . When he was twelve , the woman up and left without so much as a note explaining why she 'd gone . Neither older nor young Metzger had heard from her in the eight years since her departure . " Rough night . " It was his father on the other end , but there was no hint of condemnation in the old man 's voice . " You were making quite the commotion down there . " " You really didn 't , " his father said . " I can sleep through a damn hurricane . I just noticed it when I got up to go to the bathroom . That 's not why I 'm calling anyway . Didn 't you used to hang out with that Davis girl ? Ellen was her name , right ? " " Yeah , why ? " Chad asked suspiciously . It was odd that Ellen 's name had come up twice in less than twelve hours . Perhaps it was a sign he should track her down and talk to her . If his father said much after that , Chad didn 't hear it . His mind , still recovering from a night of drinking , was sent reeling once more by this new development . What happened ? Was Ellen hurt ? An officer had come into the Parker home , asked a few questions from the neighbors , and in a vain attempt he even tried to get Ellen to talk . He asked her when she 'd gotten home , seven she replied , and was embarrassed to explain that she 'd been out partying . The only condolence anyone could offer was that she wasn 't home . That was the miracle , that there was at least one member alive who could be consoled instead of buried . " Ellen , you think of anything , and you call me right away . " The officer handed Ellen a small white card , his number scribbled on the backside in black ink . " Anything at all , whatever you need , alright ? " " Mr . Parker , Mrs . Parker . " The officer tipped his head towards the two neighbors before he turned off the front steps of the Parker 's home where Ellen sat . He couldn 't bear to look at the girl any more , the pain was obvious in her features . Her eyes were sunk in , probably from the alcohol the officer had to assume , but it only made her look worse off . She wouldn 't stop shaking either , no matter how many blankets they piled on her in the morning heat . Hell , he was sweating in just his uniform , cropped sleeves and all . Ellen snapped her head to attention for a brief moment . " My purse . . . " She mumbled to herself . The small black purse was just on the edge of the steps , Mrs . Parker had placed it there without her knowing . Ellen reached inside and pulled out her mid morning savior , the last of two cigarettes in the pack . It took her a few stumbled attempts before she got the lighter to spark , but when she did , it was all she could do to keep herself from inhaling both sticks at once . Ellen hardly smoked , just when she was stressed . As the mass of cruisers started to leave , only a few remaining to pick up the remnants of the scene . Scene . . . it 's my house . Ellen thought unhappily . She took a drag from her cigarette , shaky on the exhale . A new car rolled down the street , one that looked oddly familiar , yet she couldn 't place why . Her eyes watched it approach , glad to be rid of the tears for once , if only a brief moment in time . Chad initially parked his blue Camaro half a block away from the Davis house . From that distance , he could see an army of police cruisers parked haphazardly around the property but little else . Flashing lights radiated from the tops of some of those cars , while others remained still yet no less ominous . What people he could make out were merely faceless shapes moving around like busy ants . If any of them were Ellen or her family , he could not tell from here . He sat there staring out the windshield , paralyzed by indecision . Maybe he shouldn 't even be here . If something happened to Ellen , would her family share that with him , a one - time friend who they hadn 't heard from in nearly two years ? And if Ellen was fine , then what ? Would he be the one she wanted to turn to for comfort ? He very much doubted that . The hangover didn 't help the confusion and self - doubt . Every time a rational thought entered his mind , it was mercilessly beaten down by the throbbing of angry blood vessels . The movies had it wrong on this point . Traumatic events didn 't cut through the fog of a hangover . You didn 't suddenly become hyper alert , capable of rational thought or action . Oh it might fade from the forefront of your mind ever so slightly , but it was always there , knocking on the door of consciousness , demanding you pay attention . Chad tried puzzling out what was going on . His first thought was the Ellen 's father had a heart attack or maybe a stroke , but that didn 't make sense . You wouldn 't send that many police cars for a heart attack . Could it be a break - in ? If so , why the ambulance ? That left only a few horrifying possibilities . Rapid knocking on the driver side window brought him out his semi catatonic state . He turned and blinked a few times , not recognizing the wrinkled , old face scowling at him . Mission Ridge was a small town , but it wasn 't so small that you knew every resident on sight . Chad rolled down the window . The old man had no such problem , and continued berating him . " That family is going through enough right now . They don 't need lookyloos hangin around getting into their business . You just get out here , and don 't stick your nose where it doesn 't belong . " Chad wasn 't about to argue with the man . He turned the key in the ignition , and slowly pulled away . He 'd made up his mind to just drive by . The old guy was right , he had no business butting in . But when he saw Ellen sitting on the steps of a neighbor 's house , he stopped the car , not even bothering to pull off to the side . Funny , his first thought was not , Oh my God , she 's okay , or even , she looks so sad . Instead , it was , when did she start smoking ? Instantly he felt embarrassed by such a superficial thought . Getting out of the Camaro , he took a few tentative steps towards her but then stopped . He had no idea what to say . Every question , every statement , sounded trite in his mind . So he just stood there staring at her , desperate to give her comfort but not knowing how . Ellen choked on the previous drag of her cigarette . Chad was standing just at the end of the sidewalk , looking at her with a deep concern he did not know how to alleviate . She couldn 't blame him for being shocked , or confused , but that wasn 't what the matter was . The girl could hardly think as it was , and now he was there , the first time in two years they 'd really seen each other since splitting off to go to college . Memories of a better time flashed through her mind , one after the other , in quick bursts of forgotten joy . The first time they 'd met , how their mothers encouraged play dates so the adults could sit and talk about the economy , or how their family was . Sitting together at lunch , sharing desserts and trying to keep Chad out of trouble . Braces , lost teeth , scrapes , bruises , taking their parents ' cars out without their knowing . All of it was from a better place in the world , a little piece of happiness had just walked up to her , and Ellen was too stunned to notice . Ellen went to stand , one of the several layers of blankets fell from her shoulders and she did her best to pull what she could back around herself . The cigarette in her hand burned without her wanting it any more . She dropped it to the cement stairs that led up to the Parker 's home and smothered it out with the heel of her shoe . After having come home to a new horror , Ellen hadn 't the time to change into anything more decent , and she wasn 't allowed back into her own home until everything had been processed . So she stood there in all her grace , bright red high heels her mother had given her the last Christmas , a little black dress she constantly had to pull down to avoid looking indecent in front of everyone she knew in a good wholesome way . It was clear she 'd gone out , clear she 'd come back , only to Chad it wasn 't clear what was going on . " What 're you doing here , it 's been a while ? " Ellen meant to chuckle , to try and lighten the grim atmosphere , but it came out as a choked sob . Before she knew it , she was crying again , and sat back down on the stairs to get a grip on herself . " Ellen , it 's time you stay inside now . " She cooed . Mrs . Parker looked up towards Chad and waved him towards their front door . " You too , come on now , I recognize you , don 't worry . She 's gonna need you today . " When she first said his name , Chad was convinced that coming here was a mistake . He read so much into that one word , believing her tone to be a harsh rebuke . He was such a moron . What did he think he could do for her ? He didn 't even know what was going on , just hints of something terrible . No doubt Ellen had closer friends these days . She probably hoped to see them standing here , not him . But when she started to cry , all that doubt vanished . He saw the truth of things . He didn 't see a woman in red heels and slinky black dress . He didn 't see a face shattered by grief . Instead , he saw the little girl he 'd met when they were no more than toddlers . He saw a cute red head in a pink dress , with tiny ribbons in her hair , a little girl who wanted nothing more than to play with him . And in that moment , he knew that coming here was precisely the right choice . Other thoughts began weaving their way through his mind . She was dressed like she 'd been out last night and never came home . Where was the rest of her family … any of her family ? Why was he the one here and not them ? For some reason , he had thoughts of Troy Davis shooting his family before turning the gun on himself . Chad didn 't know why that imagery came to mind . Maybe it was because that 's what he saw on the news all the time - husband or boyfriend goes on shooting rampage . But Ellen 's father wasn 't like that . Then again , a lot could happen in two years . The neighbor 's voice drove this unspeakable speculation from his thoughts . Breaking free from the paralysis , Chad walked toward the steps where Ellen sat , oblivious to the fact his car was still running in the middle of the road . When he reached her , he didn 't say a word . What could he say ? How 's college ? How 's the family ? What the hell happened here ? None of it seemed appropriate . So he said nothing . He just held out a hand to help her up . A simple gesture , but it was the best he could manage . Ellen took hold of Chad 's hand , she trembled once she was on her feet . What was there to say ? He certainly didn 't find the words he was looking for , silent as the night . Ellen couldn 't handle it any longer , he was there , a constant source of relief from her younger days , standing before her with his hand outstretched . Chad was only trying to help , and by the Gods she 'd need it . " Ellen , Chad , please , come inside . " There was Mrs . Parker , ushering the both of them inside . She shut the door behind them and all was quiet , save for the redhead girl 's mournful cries . The whole morning had been hard for her , but it never seemed to end . Ceaseless tears streamed down her face , so little as a word sent her into a flurry of panic . " S - somebody , t - they , oh god , Chad . " Ellen gripped his arms hard , an attempt to anchor herself back into what she considered reality . They can 't be dead . They can 't . She refused to let go , and stood there crying in the Parker 's entryway . The mister and missus had long gotten their children off to school , wanting to save them the atrocities from the neighboring home . Only Mrs . Parker remained to make sure Ellen was taken care of , although with Chad there she felt she had better chances of calming the girl down . They 'd been fast friends since they were three , and all the way up until high school had ended . Having someone like that nearby was bound to make Ellen stop crying , at least for a little while . It was still heartbreaking to watch the girl go through the trauma on her own , no family to support her in the meantime . Mrs . Parker looked shamefully to the floor . It wasn 't her place to say what happened , but she murmured a bit of the situation so the man might catch up . " It was a break in , Ellen was gone , so she 's alright , but . . . " The woman shook her head . " They didn 't make it , nobody did . " As Ellen took his hand , the fog of confusion lifted , and blessed clarity returned once more . Chad understood exactly why he was here and what he needed to do . While the hangover still nibbled at the edges of his perception , he would not let it get the better of him . The important thing was to help Ellen any way she needed . He listened to her , turning her words over and over in his mind to gleam any details he could . They were all gone . That 's how she put it , but Chad knew there was no ambiguity there . Her family had not gone out to the grocery store , had not planned some secret vacation and left Ellen behind . They were dead . He fought the urge to ask questions , to find out more . She would tell him in her own time . In the entry way of the neighbor 's house , Mrs . Parke filled in some of the details . There was a break - in last night , but Ellen wasn 't home . By the look of her dress , he guessed she was at a party and probably the one thrown by the Harper twins . She crashed there or maybe with another friend , and when she returned home she found the bodies . No one told him this last part , but intuitively he knew it to be true . Chad was so thankful for Mrs . Parker , not just because she realized his need to understand what was happening , but because she had gone out of her way to help Ellen . She didn 't have to that . She could have watched the scene unfold from behind the safety of her blinds . Chad couldn 't imagine what it would have been like if his friend had to stand on her own front lawn , alone and terrified , as they brought her mother , father , and brother out in body bags . He guided , Ellen to the adjoining living room . With uncomfortable looking furniture , still - life paintings , and even a couple vases complete with plastic flowers , the room looked entirely artificial . It was the kind of place you brought guests but never entered otherwise . Chad led Ellen to a couch , where he gently urged her to sit down . He made no attempt to break the contact between them . " I 'm sorry , " were the first words he spoke out loud to Ellen . He wasn 't just sympathizing with her loss and pain , he was apologizing for two years of silence . He wanted forgiveness for letting their prescious friendship slip away . He remembered how he decided not to go to the party last night just in case she might be there , and how he was so afraid she might be disappointed in him . Sitting in the living room of the Parker 's house , it seemed like such a pitiful excuse . He wiped the tears from her cheeks , knowing full well they would be replaced by new ones . " Life just … It doesn 't matter . I 'm here now . " Ellen refused to let go , grateful to Chad for seeing that , never once did he let go of her . His contact remained constant as he set her gently down on the guest room furniture . It was hard , uncomfortably so , but who was Ellen to complain about a couch when her entire family had been murdered in cold blood ? So she kept quiet . Quiet , except for the constant sobs bubbling out past her lips . " What am I g - gonna - " Ellen sobbed , halfway between a choked wail and hiccup . She cried in Chad 's arms for a while . Ellen felt so small in comparison , when had he grown so much ? Her eyes were red and completely raw , the hangover was long forgotten as she tried to make sense of the Godless world she found herself in . There were so many answered questions , but she hadn 't the heart so speak them . If she uttered so much as another word of mourning , the tears would resume , and her pain would only grow and grow . The limit to her agony seemed endless , but there had to be some sort of wall she could reach . Ellen slid down on the couch , her head rested in the middle while her legs curled up around the arm . If Chad wanted to sit , he could , although she wouldn 't ask for him too . Her hand clung to his shirt when he moved , fearful he 'd be gone in an instant . So long as he stayed nearby , even for a little while , her spirits would improve . Chad did sit down next to her . It felt like the right thing to do , and sensing that she needed the contact , he made no attempt to free himself from her grip . He let her lie there , because what else could you do in that situation but let her grieve . He wanted to explain how he 'd felt when his mother left and how he 'd eventually gotten over that , but how inane that seemed . It wasn 't remotely the same thing . You couldn 't compare the two losses . His mother was alive … somewhere , hers would be buried in the ground a few days from now . His mother could return , hers never would . He still had a father who loved and supported him ; she was now alone in the world . Yes , it was an incredibly moronic comparison , and thankfully those thoughts died before they passed his lips . " My father , " he said in answer to her questions . " He called this morning . Somebody who brought in their car said they 'd seen the police at your house . I didn 't know what happened , but I just knew I had to come . I was so scared that something happened to you . I had no idea that … " Chad had to fight the ridiculous impulse to lighten the mood . His natural reaction to almost any stressful circumstance was to combat it with humor , and in most case a self - deprecating joke or even just a playful smile worked wondrous to ease even the most tense situations . It was what had made him so liked among his peers . But this kind of grief was on a whole different level , and there was no way to lighten its burden . He didn 't know how he could help Ellen , save for just being there for her . " Do the police still need you ? " he asked . " If not , we should get out of here . It 's not good to stay here . You don 't need to see all this . What do you say ? Let 's go someplace with better memories . " It was already common news that her family was in trouble . Ellen sunk herself further into the near wrought iron couch and muffled a sigh . She wanted to be far from the center of attention , but that wouldn 't be possible when the news of murder spread . What , with the small town and the fiery topic , it 'd spread faster than wild fire . " I 'm dressed in this , this dress and my shoes are three inches tall . " Ellen mumbled into the couch . " This isn 't exactly a good outfit to go anywhere in , Chad , I don 't mean to , I don 't - " Ellen shook her head . No , going somewhere dressed as she was would only make her feel out of place . She had no idea where Chad wanted to take her , her spirits weren 't high enough for the thought to be worthwhile . Her hand gripped hard around Chad , looking for more comfort instead of the prospect of a miracle somewhere else . What could be better , really ? He was here , she was alive , and it seemed the best option . " I 'm sorry . " Ellen apologized . " I didn 't mean to snap at you . " She hadn 't snapped , not really . Her voice had too much of a melancholy to it to be anything but misery showing through . Still , she apologized , and did her best not to burst into tears again . She felt like she was falling apart at the seams . With each new rip and tear , even subtle words opening up the fresh new wound on her heart , she could only cry . " You gonna take her then ? " Mrs . Parker suddenly appeared . There was a phone clutched to her chest , she picked it up to tell the other end to hold , presumably her employer . " I can certainly let her stay here , don 't wanna put the burden on you . " Chad took no offense at Ellen 's initial rebuke . They 'd shared too much history for such petty things to bother him , and besides , she was right . Her current attire hardly seemed appropriate for a murder scene let alone where he wanted to take her . The dress , the shoes , and the current state of her disheveled hair and makeup streaked face made her look like she was ready to go clubbing in the ninth circle of hell . " No , I 've got her , " he said , and there was something so protective in his tone of voice . " You 've been so kind to Ellen , Ma ' am . I can 't even begin to thank you for that . " Then returning his attention to his friend , he said . " I 've got some of my mother 's old clothes back at my house . None of it will be very stylish , but I 'm sure we can find you something that 's more appropriate and fits . " When Chad 's mother walked out , she left everything she owned behind . It was one of many strange circumstances surrounding her departure . She left a note , but just in case they might get it into their heads that she 'd been the victim of foul play , she called that night . All she said was , " I haven 't been kidnapped , so don 't bother with the police . I 'm just not happy anymore . " Chad 's father was devastated by his wife 's abandonment , especially since he thought they were a perfect , happy family . He couldn 't find it in himself to give or throw away her belongings . He just packed a closet full of clothes into three enormous boxes and stacked them in the hall closet just in case she came back . The nearly three dozen shoes she accumulated over the years didn 't even make it to boxes . They still lived in the bedroom closet , neatly arranged on the shoe rack Larry Metzger had made for his wife on their tenth wedding anniversary . Chad hated admitting that they still kept his mother 's clothes . In fact , this was the first time he mentioned it to anyone . However , in this situation there wasn 't any other choice , and he knew Ellen was in no shape to make fun of him over it . Stepping into the bright morning sun , the first thing he caught sight of was a rather perturbed looking cop aggressively dangling the Camaro 's keys in one hand . Crap , he forgot to move his car . As if to emphasize the foolishness of this choice , a line of cars had formed behind his . The first one was slowly angling its way passed , trying not to hit the other cars parked properly on the side of the road . At least the police officer was nice enough to shut off the car . As soon as he saw Chad and Ellen walking across the front lawn , the cop 's expression changed . He wasn 't one of the Mission Ridge police . He had no idea who Chad was , but he sure as hell recognized the girl whose house he 'd been collecting evidence from all morning . " You can 't just park your car in the middle of the street , " the cop said when they drew near . His tone was the oddest mixture of sympathy and annoyance . Chad doubted he 'd ever hear that particular inflection again in his life . " I 'm sorry , sir , " Chad said , snatching the keys and opening the passenger door for Ellen . " It won 't happen again . " # 15 Ellen shivered , her eyes went wide with the realization she 'd somehow lost her two blankets . Then she had to fight hard to remember where she 'd gotten them . One moment she was standing in her doorway , the next , blankets , a stern hand on her shoulder , and voices all around her . That 's what it was like now , the voices came back and a hand guided her out into the bright light of day . The officer spoke with Chad , and Ellen simply ignored them . It was easier to pretend they weren 't talking about anything serious . The Camaro would have been warmer had it been any other day . Ellen recalled times in the summer when they couldn 't get the air conditioner to run , and they 'd sit in the car with the windows rolled down all the way . Her skin would stick to the seats just past the short jeans which were common for the scorching days Even then , it was still hot . They 'd sweat in their seats laughing about it all . Then Chad finally fixed it , some miracle that was . Summer had turned to winter , and with it new problems . She sat in the passenger side thinking of summer days , but her thoughts quickly turned sour as they passed house after dilapidated house . The ride wasn 't long . The same old houses passed by . Something had changed , Ellen thought , but she hadn 't the thought to place what it was , problem being she couldn 't see it for what it was . She 'd been gone most of the time for two years , college had turned her into a new woman , and it wasn 't pretty at all . Her perception of what once was , tall trees and freshly painted homes , changed into reality . They were run down and the trees trimmed , either that or she 'd grown . The Camaro pulled into the drive at the side of his father 's house , and Chad found himself grateful for the brevity of the trip . How many times had they ridden together in that car ? How many laughs , conversations , and secrets had they shared ? And in all of that time , never had there been a more awkward silence . While his mind churned with hundreds of things to say to make her feel better , none of them seemed right to speak out loud . " I 'm sure I can find some aspirin . You can go through my mother 's clothes while I hunt some down , " he said , turning off car . " As for what you 're supposed to do … Anything at all , Ellen . There 's no right or wrong thing because so few people have ever gone through what you 're going through now . If you want to scream and shout , go ahead . If you need to break things , I 've got a few dishes I was going to throw out anyway . Hell , if you want to run through the street naked , no one will blame you . Just do whatever you feel you have to . " Instead of entering through the back door as he usually did , Chad led them up the front porch . As they entered the house , he instantly regretted that decision . Larry Metzger , while being a kind - hearted and thoughtful man , was by no means a tidy one . Beer cans littered the floor in a trail from kitchen to living room . Discarded frozen dinners were stacked near the couch , the place the man usually ate his meals . The carpets needed vacuuming ; the walls needed new paint . " I 'll be right back with that aspirin , " he said . " Hopefully you 'll find something in there that works . If you 're looking for shoes , they 're in the closest over there . I 'm not sure what size my mother wore . " He beat a hasty retreat , as eager to get a few moments alone to compose his thoughts as he was to find a hangover remedy . He located the aspirin in the upstairs bathroom , but a trip to the kitchen was necessary to retrieve a glass and some water . While there , he tried not to judge his father for the two weeks ' worth of dishes piled up in the sink . He had no place to be critical of the man . Sure , by now his father should have gotten over his mother 's leaving some eight years ago , but the man had been so understanding when Chad came back from college with his tail between his legs . He 'd allowed his son to move back into the basement , and said he wouldn 't charge rent until the boy regrouped and figured out what to do next . What was a little mess when compared to that generosity ? Ellen somehow doubted running naked through the streets would offer her any peace of mind . All it would do is show the world the small tattoo she 'd been hiding , and that the freshman fifteen was a pure myth . She wanted no part in showing off her birthday suit to anyone at the moment , not that Chad was being serious to begin with . The mess of the Metzger apartment barely phased her . It reminded her somewhat of the state of whatever dorm she ended up in after a long party . One too many apartments had the same smell , same appearance of a trail of beer cans to the most resourceful places of the space . Usually , there was one to the fridge , the toilet , and any bed in the place , because what else could a man need when he had a drink on one arm and a pretty girl on the other ? Not much , that 's what , Ellen figured . They trudged past the filth and into the master bedroom , which remained untouched from the mess outside . Chad set the boxes in a small array at the foot of the bed , through which Ellen tried to find something that fit her . The sizes ranged all the way from broad and baggy sweaters , down to skin tight tank tops which left nothing to the imagination . There were a few flannel button ups that Ellen favored . They were simpler than the low cut tops she was accustomed to buying when she went out . It felt more homey , and less likely to draw any attention to herself . She pulled the black dress over her head and left it on the floor in a heap . Ellen kicked off her red heels , abandoning the outfit seemed like the proper thing to do , had the latter not been a gift from her now deceased mother . She leaned down and set the heels up in a pair , making sure they were perfectly straight before standing again . Her half decent state wasn 't on her mind . If she had to down half the bottle before her mind was clear and free , she would . Ellen gripped the Aspirin hard in her hand , the empty glass in the other . Her thoughts were all in a jumble , and there was no organizing the chaos there . Her family was gone , her life had been erased in half a night . Chad watched his friend ravenously devour aspirin without the slightest hint of judgment on his face . Even the disarray of her clothes didn 't bother him in the least . Under different circumstance , with a different girl , that LL Bean meets heroin addict look would have really done something for him . The red hair would even earn her bonus points . In college , Chad was always enamored by the redheads . Now that he stood in his parents ' bedroom ( scratch that , his father 's bedroom ) , he couldn 't help but wonder how much of those desires stemmed from a love , all be it platonic , for his closest childhood friend . But he couldn 't feel that type of attraction to Ellen . Well , that was a lie , now wasn 't it ? " Don 't say that Ellen , " he said . " Don 't even think it . Cry . Scream . Break things . Punch me in the face if you think it will help . I don 't care , but don 't you dare blame yourself for what happened . There is nothing you could have done that would have saved them , so don 't go beating yourself up . If you had been there last night , there would be four dead bodies this morning instead of three . " The words were harsh ; he meant them to be . His heart was already breaking for her , and he couldn 't stand to watch her take on this extra burden . The only way he knew to stop her from traveling down this self - destructive path was to combat it head on . Of course , this blame was probably a normal part of the grieving process . It might just pass in time . But Chad was no psychiatrist . This type of self - loathing just seemed pointless . Self - loathing ? You hypocritical bastard , he thought . Isn 't that exactly what you 've been feeling for the last six month ? Self - loathing is exactly what you 've been doing since returning home with your tail between your legs . If that isn 't the pot calling the kettle black , then I don 't know what is . " Listen , I 'm sorry , " he said more softly this time . " I 'm not going to pretend to understand what you 're going through . Nobody can . I know this sucks more than anything in your worst nightmares . I get that . But you are alive , Ellen , and that 's something . I don 't want you to squander that life blaming yourself for something you couldn 't predict or stop . " Sure , the odds were impossible , but if there was the slightest chance she could have saved even one of her family members it would have been worth it . She 'd been home for less than a week , argued and bickered her way through night after night of drinking , gambling and partying outside the comforts of both her parents . To her , it mattered little what advice they had for her , she was considered an adult in the eyes of society and could do as she wished while she was good and young . Despite their pleas , she 'd continued to go out without another care in the world . To think , that same indignant air about her had saved her from certain death , yet had also taken the lives of three others . It didn 't feel fair . Her life for three . It was like God himself wanted to deliver one last mighty lesson , that modesty and a willing ear were two things a human being needed , else they lose the things they loved most . She heard it loud and clear , but it still was far from fair . There were people on Earth who 'd killed , raped , stolen and abused what they loved . What happened to loving thy neighbor ? I 'm no worse than any other college kid ! Ellen wanted to shout , but there 'd be no voice to answer , she knew better now . " I could 've called someone . " Ellen stammered . Her mind raced back to thoughts of blame . She looked up into Chad 's eyes and pleaded for him to grasp the sense in what she said . " Dammit , I could 've done something . They 're all dead ! " Then she was screaming at Chad . Nonsensical phrases slipped past her lips , curses that set the blame on her , on the killer , on her parents for not having survived . She wanted someone to blame , but there was no name . No matter how hard she howled there 'd be no name , just her shrill voice as it ceased to make an audible note . It had been less than twenty four hours , of course no one knew who the intruder was , that would have been incredible . Ellen slapped her hand hard on Chad 's chest , enough to leave a mark had there been bare skin . Then she did it again , with her opposite hand , a quick blow against him as she cried . " They 're gone ! " Ellen shrieked . " I don 't want to cry , I don 't want to break anything , I want them back ! I want them to be alive , that 's what 'd help , I want them back . " She rested her head on his chest as the floodgates of her pain were lowered . Ellen had been cushioned by waves of empathy with the countless officers , and Mrs . Parker , none of them were so blunt as to point out there could have been four bodies . It was within the realm of possibilities , had Ellen decided she wanted to go home . She appreciated that dull honesty , and hated it all the same for being true . She stifled a gargled intake of air , stuck on her own spit and mucus . She hadn 't the time to comment on how grotesque she sounded . Ellen went to speak , but that was it for her . She cried , and continued to do so with her head cradled against Chad for the last bits of comfort she could pull . The gravity of the situation was sinking in , crushing the world around her with every bit of force it could muster , and Ellen went down hard , wailing her way to the very bottom of an endless pit of despair and pain . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . 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It 's been a while since I 've been on here . I was out of commission all of last week with a migraine . My first and hopefully last . Ta . . . For this first time ever I 'm feeling very confident in myself . Confident of who I am , where I 'm going and the energy I 'm putting out into the universe . I find myself not worrying about what I say and who I say it to and what they think about it , more and more . I 'm making a conscious effort to be kind and honest at the same time . I feel like I know who I am and I like it . I 'm not worried about other people 's issues as much as I once was . Don 't get me wrong , I care and I 'm compassionate , but I 'm not worried . Not sure if that makes sense or not . I find myself not judging as much as I used to and accepting people the way they are . I 'm being more relaxed about life all around . I still have a lot of growing to do , but it feels like I 'm getting closer to where I want to be . I had a nice lunch date with a girlfriend today and I felt so great afterward . I told The Man that we talked about where we 've been in life , where we are now and where we want to be . . . . . stuff that boys don 't like to talk about pretty much . The best thing about that is that he totally agreed . It made me realize that my female connections are very important and I do need them . It 's good to talk about things , all things . Women are good at listening to feelings when men just want to fix everything . My heart feels full with hope and warmth . I like feeling this way . I need to remember to keep my connections open and make dates with my female friends even if it 's just for 1 hour here and there . It 's been a while since I 've been on here . I was out of commission all of last week with a migraine . My first and hopefully last . Talk about a wake up call for me to pay better attention to managing and gaging my stress level . I can not go and do all the time like a lot of people in my life . I try , but eventually my body makes me slow down in one way or another , and it 's never for just one day . It feels like I was knocked upside my head by the universe saying , HEY , slow down , take care of yourself . I got the message loud and clear and am now on my way to being better about taking care of me . First things first , a massage on Saturday . . . . yes please ! : ) On top of my issues last week , my husband 's best friend had a mild stroke on Friday ( he 's 33 ) and I found out that my uncle has a really bad cancer , and has less than a year to live . As you already know , my grandfather is dying and has started hospice care . Needless to say , things are getting hard in my life . If there 's ever a time to start taking better care of myself , it 's now . I have a hard enough time with death , but 2 people going down at the same time is going to be very hard ! So , it 's time to start taking advantage of the time I do have with the loved ones in my life and making it a point to have no regrets . I had a visit with my Aunt a couple weekends ago . I think I mentioned something about that happening in my last post . I had only seen my aunt once in the past 6 years and that was at my cousin 's wedding earlier this year . The reason I had not seen my aunt is so long , is that when my grandmother died there was a falling out between her and my mom . I in turn had resentment towards her for the way the situation was handled and the fact that I got nothing of my grandmother 's after she passed . . . . nothing . I was also a drug addict at that time and did my best not to spend time with any family . I was much more interested in partying and hanging out with my friends . Time passed , wounds healed ( on my end ) and I got clean . I reconnected with my cousin last year and in turn found out that my aunt had no ill will towards me and wanted to reconnect as well . . . . without my mom . It took me some time to be okay with this . My aunt is not known to be the most loving and kind person around . I was afraid of how I was be treated after everything that happened . Then , I saw my aunt at my cousin 's wedding and everything was great ! She was nice , happy , nice to The Man ( which wasn 't always the case ) and made me feel very comfortable with her . So , all of that being said , our recent visit was very nice . She brought over some healthy , yummy food and we chit chatted for several hours while The Baby played with her toys . While talking to my aunt I came to understand why she is the way she is . . . . bitchy and cold . She prides herself on being a bitch , her own words , and talks like it 's a badge of honor . She really does have a loving heart deep down . I am usually really good at bringing this quality out of people for some reason . The more we talked , the more I realized that she was holding onto a lot of anger . She 's angry about the way my uncle treated my grams ( he was a drug addict for at least 25 years , in and out of jail , stealing from my grams , so on and so on ) . She 's angry at my uncle for being a drug addict , even though he 's been clean and out of jail for 15 years . She 's angry that my mom ( the oldest of 4 kids ) left home when she was 14 ( my aunt , not my mom ) which left her the next oldest to take care of her 2 younger siblings ( my grams grew up in an orphanage and didn 't know how to be a mom , no one is perfect ) . She 's angry that her dad was an alcoholic and the last conversation they had before he died was not a conversation , but a fight with a lot of mean things being said . She 's angry at my mom for not being available when their grandmother died ( it was a REALLY bad time in my mom 's life , like REALLY bad ) . She 's angry that my mom couldn 't help with my grams when she was dying , in the way that she wanted her to help . And when when my grams died she realized that she had never really grieved all of the deaths prior to hers . It all hit her all at once and broke her . It broke her so bad , she decided to go a grief counselor . She saw the counselor twice and decided she learned all that she needed to know on how to deal with the situation and never went back . My aunt is 56 years old and has never forgiven anyone in her life for their mistakes or wrong doings . I think that forgiveness is a huge part in someones life . If you can forgive others and especially yourself , for wrong doings , it only helps you in the long run . I see that holding onto all of that anger and resentment for so many years has made her a hard , cold , lonely person . When I was thinking about typing this post I decided to look at myself and reflect on things that have happened in my life and whether or not I have forgiven people for their trespasses . Yes , I have forgiven my mom for not being a perfect mom all the time . I have forgiven my step dad for the times he was not perfect and for the way he treated others around him at times . I have forgiven my dad for moving across the country when I was 15 , not coming to visit me as often as promised and not moving back home until I was 26 . I have forgiven my dad for being an alcoholic and not being a perfect parent all the time . I have forgiven my husband for our hard times . And most importantly I have forgiven myself for not being the perfect kid and partner . There are still a couple of things that I have not forgiven myself for , which I want to work on . I haven 't forgiven myself for the type of pet owner I was during my partying days . My dog at the time suffered because of my behavior and I still can 't forgive myself when I think back to the conditions he lived in at times . I hope to forgive myself for this eventually . I also have not forgive the 2 men who raped me when I was 17 . Just can 't do it . One ended up in a bad motorcycle accident , which left him mentally disabled and the other became a crack addict . Even though they have both suffered in their lives since they made me suffer in mine , I have not been able to forgive them yet . I want to be able to one day , but just can 't do it yet . Hence , I 'm not perfect either . I want to teach my daughter that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes . It 's how we deal with those mistakes and learn from them that makes us who we are . I want to teach her to forgive people that hurt her feelings . Most of the time it hurts them to know they 've hurt someone else . And most people won 't admit to that . I want to teach her to be kind regardless of someone else 's position or disposition in life . Inside we are all the same . We all just want to be loved and treated with kindness and respect . The hard part is learning how to deal with those around us who don 't have the skills to always behave that way . The Man turned 30 this week ! I found a perfect card for him and wrote him a very special note . Unfortunately he had school , so we didn 't get to spend much time together . We did decide to drive in and I left work a little early to ride home with him . It was nice to spend a little time together more than usual on a school day / night . That night , The Baby started to walk . First she took 3 steps , then 6 , then 10 and finally 16 . I was overjoyed to say the least ! I even got the 3 , 6 and 10 steps on video . Thank god I constantly have my camera attached to me when we 're playing together , otherwise I would not have been able to share the moment with The Man . As soon The Baby went to bed , I unloaded the camera and left him a note saying he needed to watch the video I left open on the computer . Talk about a fantastic birthday present . The card I picked out for The Baby was good , but I 'm pretty sure the walking trumped it . She still prefers to crawl over walking , but she is taking a lot more steps than she ever has and more often . I 'm pretty sure by the end of next week she 'll be running . On top of the walking , The Baby finished up the last of my breast milk and switched over to just cow 's milk . I 've also started supplementing 2 of her bottles with sippy cups . She 's still not a big fan of the sippy cup and mostly just chews on it , but I 'm hoping when she sees there isn 't another option she 'll get the hang of it . Luckily she doesn 't " have " to have as much milk as she used to , so I 'm not to worried about it . Pretty soon I 'll take her down to 1 bottle a day and then hopefully by the end of next month ( fingers crossed ) , she 'll completely off of the bottle . We 'll see how that goes . Last night I pulled a toy from the bottom of the toy box that The Baby had yet to play with . I thought it was still a little advanced for her , but I figured why not , let 's give it a try . It was a remote controlled puppy . You push on the buttons and the puppy walks , barks or wags it 's tail . I showed The Baby how it worked once . She had it from there on out . She picks up on things so well , I 'm always amazed . Lots of big things this week ! It 's amazing how fast kids grow and how fast they pick up on things . The Baby is starting to talk while reading her books . I think that mean she 's trying to read them out loud . It 's pretty darn cute . I love her language , it 's just adorable ! I 'm trying to get it all recorded , because I 'm sure soon enough she will be a really big girl and these little big girl moments will be a thing of the past . It should be an interesting weekend . My aunt whom I 've seen once in the past 6 years is coming over to meet The Baby for the first time and my Godson 's birthday party is on Sunday . I 'm sure you 'll hear all about it on Monday . Have a great weekend everyone ! ! : ) We celebrated the most wonderful grandma in world 's 85 years on this earth . She really is one of the most wonderful women I have met in my life time . My grandmother - in - law turned 85 , but you would never know it . She is the most active energetic person I know . She still mows her own lawn gardens , bowls several times a week and drives all over the state and country . This woman is a huge inspiration to me and I can only hope to be as healthy as she is at her age . She is amazing ! ! Not to mention that she helps out everyone she can in so many ways and does it with such grace . I can not say enough good things about this woman . I love her so much and look forward to spending many more birthdays with her . My MIL asked me to make cioppino for the birthday celebration , which of course I did . It turned out amazing ! It 's funny how no two batches are ever the same . Everyone always says it 's good no matter which batch it is , but I 'm my worst critic . Last time I made it , it was okay . This time , just amazing ! I don 't know what I did different , but I 'll have to make sure I do the same thing again next time . For those of you who don 't know what cioppino is , it 's like a seafood stew . You saute garlic and onions , then thrown in fish , crab , clams , mussels , shrimp and whatever else you like . Then once the everything is cooked , you douse it in marinara sauce and white wine . Then let it simmer for a while and wha la , deliciousness ! To top it off I was happy to have the oportunity to help my MIL with food for the party since she always helps me out . Around Christmas time , we sold a car to some family members . We sold them the car , with some money up front and the promise to pay the rest over the next few months . I 'm sure you see where this is going . We were getting money here and there and it was down to just a few hundred left . One of the family members has a history of drug use and being locked up , but had been doing really well for a long and proving to be a solid member of society . Then , things got bad . We stopped getting money and we would hear reports of domestic violence . We were told the car would be dropped off at another family member 's house so we could pick it up until it was paid for . That never happened . The couple broke up and one person took the car from the other . We were told conflicting stories as to who was the one that actually paid us the money thus far . We decided that we would get the car and hold it until one or the other paid us the amount owed . We got a phone call Saturday night that the car was in the Sacramento area and ready for us to pick up . In the meantime , the other party said they had the money , so we arranged to meet them half way between Redding and our house . The Man was tired after our long day on Saturday and said we would just come first thing in the morning on Sunday . We woke up , made a call . . . . no answer . Decided , let 's just start on our way so that by the time they call back we 'll already be on the road . We called again when we were on the road . . . . no answer . Again when we were almost there . . . . no answer . There were people home at the apartment we were meeting at , so we went in there for a little while to see if they could give us any information and to see if we would get a call back . We were told that they had been there the night before , but left to go meet a friend and never returned . Everyone at the apartment knew we were coming in the morning , so that wasn 't a surprise to them . We waited and waited . We then had to tell the other party to turn around because we weren 't able to get the vehicle . So there we were , all the way out in Sacramento without the promised car and without the promised money . We called one more time . . . . . no answer . Needless to say , The Man was NOT happy by this point and made that clear in the final message he left . We drove around , got some food , fed the baby and decided to make our way home . We learned another lesson the hard way . Don 't make business deals with addicts regardless of whether or not they are family members . It turns out that the person we were supposed to meet , had decided to party all night instead of meet up with us . The other person is going to in turn call the police and report the vehicle as stolen . This will be the 3rd strike and they will now go back to prison for the last time . Once you get 3 strikes in California , you get 25 years to life . When you 're 50 years old , 25 years is most likely life . Addiction is a powerful thing . It will make people do things that they know are wrong regardless of their situation . It would 've been so easy to do the right thing , but that craving for those little white crystals was just too much to overcome . I am so , so , so grateful that I got clean when I did ! That white stuff is no joke ! The positive spin on our adventure . . . . . . we got to spend some quality family time together , which is rare these days . It was nice to be stuck in a car with The Man for 4 hours . We talked about all kinds of things , one of which was our own sobriety . Thank God , we cleaned up our act ! ! We can 't imagine being like these people and subjecting our child to this type of behavior . The daughter of one of the parties is pregnant and about to pop at any minute . Meantime this is how one of her parents is behaving . So sad ! It really was a beautiful day though and it was a nice drive . We saw so awesome clouds too ! It looked like God was taking a deep breath . : ) When we got home , The Man took a nap and I did what laundry I could while playing with The Baby . Then , my MIL came over to hang out with The Baby so The Man and I could go out to celebrate his birthday . He will be 30 on Wednesday and since he has class that night , I wanted to do something special with him . I took him out to a nice restaurant for an early dinner and then we went to see the new Harry Potter movie . It was awesome ! ! He thanked me for making him go out , he said he had a great time . We both agreed that we need to make an effort to have a date night every couple of months . We forgot how nice it was to do things like that . All in all , it was a good weekend . Although it was a little rocky at times , it was still good . I felt very connected to The Man and The Baby . Life is good ! It would be so incredibly boring if we didn 't have the ups and downs . I 'm trying my best to find the positives in the negatives . Here 's to a new week and another year for The Man . These will be the last days of his 20 's . Like I told him this morning , he will soon , officially , be a grown up ! Yesterday was another rough day . It started out with The Man getting upset about someone else 's driving on the way to work and me yelling at him for it . I got the silent treatment from him for the rest of the day . It may not sound so bad , but we usually talk at least 3 times a day if not more and it really sucked not being able to talk to him all day . Lesson learned . Let him do what he wants in the car ( when The Baby is not in it ) . If something bad happens , then he will have a lesson learned . Until then , it 's not my place to tell him what to do . We have had car trouble with our vehicles lately , except the van . So , right now , the cars are parked and the van is our main source of transportation . Since The Man has school Wednesday , Thursday and Friday nights , I decided I would ask my dad for a ride home after work . My dad picked me up a little late yesterday , we sat in traffic for approximately 45 minutes and then the car broke down . We were literally six blocks from my office . He called a tow truck and I called my sister - in - law to see if she could give me a ride home from BART once I got there . My father - in - law was still at my house with The Baby and I needed to get home to relieve him . I knew I couldn 't call him for a ride because he usually drinks in the afternoon when he gets to my house and I didn 't want him drinking and driving with The Baby in the car . My dad got a tow truck squared away and I confirmed a ride , so off I went . I had to leave my dad broke down in the middle of the road and hoof it back to my office ( I really had to use the bathroom by then of course ) , then over to BART . I finally got home at 7 : 40 pm just in time to feed The Baby , give her a bath and put her to bed . I was feeling really horrible about only having less than an hour with her for the evening . I thought about keeping her up , but she was just so tired , I had to put her to bed . So there I was mulling about my day , feeling frustrated and upset when I got a text message from my friend . Her sister had gotten into a fight with her mom and mom 's boyfriend , which went on all night and into the next morning . Her uncle then went to the apartment to confront the boyfriend . Police were called and when they arrived her mom was unconscious and wouldn 't wake up . She had overdosed on alcohol and pills and needed to be rushed to the emergency room . My poor friend told me that she thought it was her fault because she had sent her mom some nasty text messages about her taking the boyfriend 's side over her sister . I had to explain to her that it wasn 't her fault and that her mom has a problem , she is an addict . I hope that this is her wake up call and her rock bottom . I can 't imagine what it would be like to see my mother in that state ! So , yes , needless to say , hearing from my friend really put things in perspective for me . The problems that I had throughout the day were nothing compared to what she is going through with her family and has gone through over the past few years . Her dad died the day after The Baby was born last year and had battled cancer from the result of alcoholism for several years prior . I really need to learn how to go with the flow more often and not let the petty hiccups get me frustrated or down . Life is not smooth sailing and won 't ever be . There will always be obstacles and road blocks of one kind or another . Just as long as they are not detrimental to our being , I need to learn that they are okay . Life would be so boring if everything was perfect all the time . The every day issues that arise are what make life interesting , and it 's how we deal with them when they come along that makes us who we are . I am trying my best as always . Some days are better than others . Today is going to be a good day . High class problems are a good thing . I could be living in a third world country wondering where and when I 'm going to get my next meal and drink of water . When things get bad , or at least what I seem to think bad is , I need to look at the big picture . Life is what you make of it ! Happy Friday ! It will be an exciting weekend filled with a family gathering and what sounds like a trip to Redding to repo our car . More about that on Monday ! : ) After a crappy day yesterday , the evening turned out great ! The van will be fixed for free and The Man took the night off from homework to hang out with The Baby and I . It sounded like she hit him a couple of times , but stopped when he told her to . We 'll see how she does with me tonight . We all enjoyed each other 's company last night . It was just what we all needed ! Today I emptied out my camera and put all of the pictures and video 's on Photobucket and YouTube . If you haven 't already checked them out , you should . They are both linked her on the side bar . I really love looking at pictures and watching video 's of The Baby . She is just so cute and I don 't always notice all of the little details when I 'm in the moment . It really makes me happy and puts a huge smile on my face on days like this . We visited my grandparents on Saturday ( Arya 's Great Grandparents ) . It was really good to see them and I was able to talk to my Grandfather and tell him how much I love him and what my aspirations are now . If he dies tomorrow , I will have no regrets ! Not that I want him to die , but now that I 've seen him it won 't be as bad . Looking back at the pictures I took of the day , I noticed that he looks much better than I thought he would . He doesn 't look like he 's dying and I don 't think he looks 86 either . It 's great to see the smile that The Baby brings to his face . Our other adventure on Saturday was to Hap Magee Ranch Park in Alamo / Danville with our friends from our Muir Mommies Group . I joined this group when Arya was about 6 or 7 weeks old . The majority of us keep in contact and try to meet up every few months . I missed the last couple get togethers , so hadn 't seen everyone since Christmas . It 's amazing how different all the babies are now . Luckily everyone shared pictures from the events I missed , so I did kinda see them since then . Arya had a blast ! ! She did throw a fit when I wouldn 't let her take another baby 's sippy cup , but that 's what she does . The other mommies thought it was funny to see her throw a fit . I guess theirs don 't all do that yet . She was fine a couple minutes later when she found something new to play with , but let me tell you , she was going after everyone else 's sippy cups all day . And of course , she wanted nothing to do with her own . She cracks me up ! At one point , she crawled away and sat at the edge of the lawn , playing by herself . . . . perfectly content . After all of the babies shared their snacks and toys , we decided to take them over to the water . That 's where all the fun and cuteness got out of control ! Nothing is cuter than a bunch of 1 year olds playing in water half naked . Some of the babies hated the water , while some of them weren 't sure what to think . As for Arya , well , she LOVED it ! She was the only baby that would sit by the " sprinklers " ( I can 't think of a better word for them at the moment ) and was totally happy playing without me in sight . One of the other babies was running all around through all of the water , another was crying and hated the water and the others were clinging to their mommies . It was pretty comical ! Then , we tried to take a group pictures of all the babies together . . . . . hahaha , yeah right ! ! ! The one that we were able to get , had one kid crying running away . Talk about priceless memories ! I sure am looking forward to spending more time with the mommies and watching our kids grow up together . I 'm SO glad I decided to joining the group ! Little did I know , but it was the beginning of me branching out and meeting new , different , people with the same interests as me . . . . our babies . : ) First of all , I 'm having problems with The Baby hitting and scratching me . She doesn 't do it to The Man or anyone who watches her , just me . I 've tried saying no sternly with the mean mommy face , then showing her how to be gentle while telling her gentle . And I 've tried to turn my back on her or walk away for about 30 seconds . With both things she stops for 2 seconds , then goes back to hitting and scratching me in the face . Last night I got very overwhelmed with her and had to ask The Man to take a break from his homework so I could take a break from The Baby . I felt bad that I let her actions , which she has no idea what she 's doing , get to me . It hurts though , physically hurts , when she does this . My eye still hurts today from a gouging last night . This behavior has been going on for almost 2 weeks now . I 'm going to try and ignore the behavior and just get up and stop playing with her when it happens next time . Hopefully if I do that enough , she will learn that her actions will get no reaction from me . It sucks to have to do that since we don 't get much time together , but I need to stop this ASAP . So that 's the first thing that 's been a little hard for me these past few days . The other thing is my health . I saw my doctor yesterday for a follow up appointment from my colonoscopy . She informed me that the polyp that was removed was a really bad one . It was not cancer yet , but it 's the type that develops into cancer . Because of that , I am at a high risk for Colon Cancer . What she said didn 't really sink in until after The Baby went to bed for the night . HIGH RISK for COLON CANCER . . . . . at 31 . It still brings me to tears to think about this . I know I don 't have cancer , but to be so young and be so at risk is scary . I asked her what would have caused this to happen . She said having a lot of friction is the main thing that causes polyps . Meaning , hard stool . When I was in my partying days , I did a lot of drugs , drank a lot of alcohol and didn 't drink a lot of water . When I told her that , she that was probably what caused my polyp to form . So yeah , I pretty much did this to myself . . . . . good job Renee . Talk about residual effects . I 'm so glad I no longer have any part of my old lifestyle ! ! SO , I asked what I could do to prevent it . She said there hasn 't been a lot of answers found , but there are a few things that can definitely help . Eating a lot of fiber , drinking a lot of water and being cautious about the amount of meat I eat ( for some people meat makes them constipated and that 's what I need to avoid ) . Needless to say , this morning when I packed my food for the day I made sure to have a lot of fiber packed choices on hand . Then , this morning was utter chaos for me . The Man woke up late , so I had to do my regular daily routine , plus his . We were trying to leave early because we needed to drop the van off for service . We left a little later than we wanted to , but it was still looking okay . As soon as I left my street , the low tire pressure light came on in the van . I had to call The Man ( who was in the other car behind me ) and find out if I should get air or have the dealership take care of it . He then informed me that he forgot his tie at home and needed to go back ( he had an interview today and absolutely needed it ) . I said okay , you go back for your tie and I 'll meet you at the gas station after I drop off the baby . I get to the gas station and he 's no where in site . He usually handles putting air in the tires and all other car things . Luckily , I know how to do these things if I have to . I proceed to take care of inflating all of the tires myself and when I 'm done , he 's still not there . I get in the car , missed call . I call him back , where are you , he says where are you ? ! I said at the gas station . He said well I 've been at this other gas station waiting for you the whole time . Great ! I call him back to find out if I should wait for him or what and he 's pulling in behind me . Sweet , now we can be on our way . Nope , go to leave the gas station and a fuelling truck had just pulled in and blocked the exit . I try to go around another way and a truck is pulling in and I can 't get by . I have to back up and park to let the other truck through and then can get on my way . At this point , I 've hit my limit . I had to sit in that parking space and just scream at the top of my lungs . I haven 't done that in god knows how long . Once the way was clear I was able to get the hell out of there and on route to the dealership . . . . FINALLY ! We dropped of the van after waiting for the 4 people in front of us and made it to the bart station in time to get to work 30 minutes late . I think my husband saw my little melt down at the gas station because he seemed Between The Baby , my health and feeling like I 'm doing everything by myself these days , I 'm having a rough time doing it all with a smile . I know this too shall pass and they are high class problems , but like I say , some days are better than others . I researched some techniques online to use with the baby and talked to a co - worker who has a daughter who is strong headed like mine . Hopefully when I go home tonight I can start with a fresh slate and get my mental state in a better place . Also , it sounds like The Man might not have much homework to do tonight , so hopefully he can help out too . Oh , and I did get a surprise visit from The Man today after his interview ! That was awesome . We got a little bit of face time and a mid day kiss . I guess that means my day is already getting better . : ) A friend of mine on Facebook tagged a video of what would have been my senior year with my name . I watched the entire 17 minutes and felt an overwhelming sense of regret by the end . I was not a well behaved teenager . I know most aren 't , but I was worse than most although not as bad as some . I thought I was too cool for school . Boy was I wrong ! ! I went to that high school for my freshman year , then got kicked out and sent to another high school . I lasted there through the middle of my junior year and then left for home schooling . I never finished my senior year . Instead , I took the GED the month I was supposed to graduate . I missed out on so many high school experiences . I never went to a prom , never did any of the senior activities and never walked to get a diploma . At that time I didn 't think it was anything , but now I regret it so much . I wish I had been smart enough to realize that those things would have been fun and I would have enjoyed myself . Instead , I was drinking , smoking and hanging out with a bad crowd . Granted , I would not have met The Man if I did not go the route I did , so I am grateful for that . I just wish I had been able to experience the other things too . I sure hope I get to see my daughter enjoy all that high school has to offer . From what I understand , it 's unforgettable . It 's hard to believe that The Baby is 1 year old . On one hand it feels like it 's been a lifetime and on the other hand it feels like it 's been no time at all . It is truly amazing to see how much can happen in 1 year with a little one and myself . To think that on this day last year , I was in the hospital recovering from major abdominal surgery and getting to know the little being that was inside of my body just a little more than 24 hours earlier . Truly amazing ! ! So here we are , she 's 1 year old . Almost walking , talking up a storm ( in her own little language ) , eating adult food ( in little pieces ) and doing more and more each day . The joy that her precious little face gives me is indescribable . The excitement she has when I peek in her room in the morning and she jumps up when she sees me . It really is the best feeling ever to have such an amazing little soul be so completely in love with you . The smile that comes over her face is the sweetest smile ever . She is such a happy person . It feels like a great accomplishment to have so many people comment on her disposition . I feel like she is the way she is because of what she 's learned from The Man and I . To know that we are good parents is a wonderful feeling . Don 't get me wrong , some days are really hard , but seeing her sweet little smile usually makes it all better . When she doesn 't have the sweet smile is when it 's really hard , but luckily those days don 't happen very often . It 's a great feeling to be so tired , have a bad day and then come home to The Baby . She 's always so excited to see me and crawls right over to me , almost like she can 't get to me fast enough , so that I can pick her up and give her hugs and kisses . In that instant all of the tiredness and bad vibes completely melt away and are replaced with pure joy and happiness . Then there 's me . I almost feel like I was reborn the day she was born . My whole life changed in that very instant and I became the person that I am now . I feel like an adult for the first time in my life . The responsibility that comes Posted by Sometimes it 's easier for me to reflect on the people in my lives first in order to then reflect on myself . I think in general a lot of people are the same way . It 's easier to see how other people act and have an opionion about it than it is to look at how we act ourselves and our opionon about ourselves . If what I say strikes a chord within you and helps you along your life journey too , I think that 's great ! If it offends you , well , I 'm sorry . I 'm being honest with myself and the people in my space for the first time in my life and seeing where it takes me and how it effects me . It may be overwhelming for some people , which is why I chose this arena to go about it . It 's my space to be me and work things out in my life . I turned 31 1 / 2 today and last week I had my first " aha " moment and realized what I want to be when I grow up . . . . an Expressive Moment Therapist with an emphasis on dance . I 've been dancing since I was 3 years old and have been a counselor to all of my friends for what feels like forever . I 've decided that I 'm tired of trying to fix people for free and would like to get paid for it . Not only that , but I 've wanted to do something dance like for a profession for my entire life , but unfortunately god ( and my parents ) did not bless me with a dancers body . My most recent revelation has shown me that I can do what I love and make a career out of it . Mind you , I have GED with some junior college dance classes and that 's the extent of my education . I 'll have to go back to school and work on the degrees and certificate required to get where I want to go . If you know me , you know that when I put my mind to something there is no stopping me and when I really want it , I will work hard to acheive it . Dance and music were always the classes that I got straight A 's in because they have always been my passion . It 's time to apply that passion to my new path and acheive my dreams ! ! ! : ) |
On May 29 , 2009 I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer . I had scheduled a PSA test two weeks before my diagnosis and thought that I would schedule my follow - up appointment on the morning I was to leave for New York City for the African American Pavilion at Book Expo America , where I served as the Co - Founder and Executive Director . That morning May 29 , 2009 , when the doctor told me that I had very aggressive Gleason 8 Cancerous tumors on my Prostate , ( The good news was that I wasn 't a Gleason 10 - the highest , the bad news was I was a Gleason 8 - almost the highest ) my doctor suggested that I be operated on right away to have my prostate removed , I thanked him , and my wife Yvonne and I left immediately for the airport . Within a matter of hours we were in New York City beginning the start of the 2009 African American Pavilion at BookExpo America . During this time I began to prepare my will and prepare to die . I believe in preparation and that 's when I learned that no one in my immediate family and friends really knew me and where I had come from . All the people that I had grown up with were dead ; emotionally , physically or in - jail dead , and what family I had left , never talked about it at all . And , when my children said that they had issues with me from how they grew up , and how I was never there , and the type of father I was to them , and how they had wanted more from me , and that they didn 't know me at al , l and they wanted to know who I was , and where I had come from , and how I had got to where I was in life ; and these were late twenties children . I decided I would write them a letter about my early childhood from birth to eighteen years old . This is that letter . This biography is very , very graphic . The people are real , the events are real and the language is real . It is the life and language that I lived and used as a child and teenager in the moment and time that I lived it . I was born at Boston City Hospital . My mother brought me home to her mother 's ( Grandma ) house , as my father was in jail . When my father came out of jail , I was about one and a half years old and my mother moved to my father 's , mother , Grandmere 's house in Cambridge . When my father went back to jail , I was about two years old , and my mother was pregnant with my sister . My mother and I moved back to her mother 's house . CHAPTER TWO My mother had my sister on June 24 , 1953 and we moved to Townsend St . in Roxbury , where one of my earliest memories is of a cat being struck by lightning , and my father getting out of jail . I would next see and recognize my father when I was three and a half years old in a large room , sitting with my mother and seeing my father sitting with other men in white clothes , behind a rail with benches , his hands bound by something shining . I saw my father get up , some men say something , and my father is led off by other men . CHAPTER THREE The next time I saw my father , we were living in the Whittier St . Housing Projects in Roxbury , we had moved there when I turned four and I was now five and going to kindergarten . He came in the door , we lived in three rooms , a kitchen / front room , two bedrooms and bathroom , on the fifth floor ; and he went into the bedroom with my mother and they made a lot of noise , my mother screaming over and over , that yes , she wanted another child . He left and I didn 't see him again until I was almost six or seven years old , and this is when my father changed my life for the first time . What happened is the final version as told by mother when she went in for her operation last year , and what I saw when I was young . I had been told many versions over the years , but I believe this is what happened . It seems my father had been in jail again and had gotten out . He sent a boy up to our apartment with candy . My mother invited him up and he moved in . My mother was working at Mass General Hospital and had met a wonderful friend named Millie . My sister and I loved Millie , she made our mother laugh ; my mother was finally getting herself together , she was on welfare , but , wanted to do better , she was a nurse 's aid and wanted to be a nurse . ( She started crying here ) I was coming home from school , and my sister was staying at grandma 's house , and my mother was picking her up on the weekends . My father told my mother that he would stay at home and watch my sister . My mother found out that he was having sex with a lot of the women in our building while she was at work . On this fateful day in early October 1956 or 1957 , my mother went to work . Sick with thinking about my father and other women , she put a patient in a tub , and went in the back to have a smoke and to talk with Millie about her problems with my father . The patient almost died in the tub and my mother was fired . She came home early , opened the door and yelled for my father . She said she didn 't hear anything and went to the bedroom and the door was locked . She started banging on the door and said she could hear my sister in there . She said my father finally opened the door and that my sister seemed to be listless . She started screaming at my father and told him to get out . She called her mother and her mother said that my father was in there probably bothering my sister . My mother said she questioned that , but , my grandmother said that he had been , and that she needed to take my sister to the hospital and have her vagina checked out . My mother did . My grandmother called grandmere ' and told her that my father had been sexually molesting my sister . My father arrived at my grandmere 's house and she told him . He wrecked her kitchen and pulled a gun and said he was going to kill my mother and grandmother . My grandmere ' called my grandmother and told her what my father had done and said . My mother took us from the hospital to my grandmother 's house . My grandmere ' told her what she had done and that my father was on his way from Cambridge to kill everyone . My grandmother thought we would all be safer at my aunt 's apartment in the Lenox St . Projects . I remember that long night - walk to my aunt 's house very well , as my mother and grandmother were very scared that my father would find us . We arrived at my aunt 's house , where my mother and grandmother called the police and told them what had happened and where my father was going . At this point , we were all terrified . The police called and said that they had a man at our apartment and wanted my mother to come and identify him . We walked from the Lenox St . Projects to the Whittier St . Projects . There were police everywhere in my building . We went up to the fifth floor and into our apartment where the police and my father were . The shiny things were around his hands and the police asked my mother if this was him . I remember looking at him . I can still see him in that apartment , at the door , surrounded by policemen , screaming at my mother , as she said , yes , that was him . I remember the police dragging him out . CHAPTER TEN I would not see him again until February 1965 . I believe that was the night that my mother finally went insane . I 'm not sure if I was near six or seven , I 'm inclined to think six , because that would make my sister at the right age three not four . My mother says she can 't remember and neither can I . But , what I do remember is that I was about seven when we went to visit Uncle Robert , my mother 's brother . My mother 's brother was doing twenty - five years in Bridgewater State Hospital . He did fifteen or so . In 1949 he had gone on a major crime spree in Boston . And here , I must tell you that all of his feats and my fathers were well recorded in the newspapers and radio during their day . His crime spree ended with a standoff on Mass . Ave and Columbus Ave . , with the police and my grandmother begging him to surrender , and my uncle shooting and wounding a police officer , ( He later lost his leg ) and then turning the gun on himself , shooting himself in the head . Instead of blowing his brains out , he blew his eyes out , and was blind for the rest of his life . With all the notoriety , the newspaper and radio coverage , the trial and the sentencing ; the Faulks , my mother , my two aunts , my grandmother and grandfather , my uncle , were disgraced and ostracized from the community . They were hated and whatever little standing they might have had in Boston , in Roxbury , in the community , because of my mother 's great and phenomenal ability to play classical music ; it was lost . Her music career was over , there was no more money for her lessons , for her gowns , for her aspirations , all the money went to that asshole , my uncle for his lawyers , his trial , for his appeal , for his comfort in jail , for his life and for my grandmother 's guilt , and that 's when I believe my mother began to go insane . They could no longer hold their heads up and sank into despair and everything for them went wrong and that 's what we , my sister and I , and my cousins , the next generation , were born into . But , on that day when I was seven years old and visiting my uncle in jail , I didn 't know this , in fact , I was very used to visiting people in jail . I had been visiting my father in jail since I had been two years old , and visiting a favorite cousin of my mother 's , so my uncle was routine . But on this day when I was seven years old , Hall , my Aunt Phylis 's new boyfriend , drove my aunt , my mother , my grandmother , my sister and me , to visit my uncle . I thought it was fun , a fun day . I was a child and wanted to do child things . My aunts , grandmother and mother got out of the car to visit my uncle . Hall stayed up front in the driver 's seat , ( I can still see him there smoking a cigarette , bored , babysitting me and my sister ) Well , us cousins and me and my sister had a game we would play whenever we could , it didn 't cost anything , and could be played anywhere . It was called which hand is it in . It could be a pebble , a penny , a button , it didn 't matter as long as it could fit in your hand and not be seen . You put your hand behind your back , brought it out for your partner to slap your hand and you had to open it . If that hand held the button , then it was their turn to be it . The game was played at breakneck speed . You had to guess which hand held it , slap the hand that you thought held it , when the hand opened and didn 't , you put your hand behind your back and switched it or kept it in the same hand , moved your balled hands up in front of your partner and said which hand is it in . It was a fun game , a guessing game . Every once in a while Hall would tell us to stop making so much noise . It would be the last time I would ever play that game or any game with my sister again , to this day . It would be the day that my father would begin to change my life . When the adults came back , here 's what they saw , my sister and me in the back seat of the car hot and sweaty , clothes askew . What happened later , I can 't remember except that my mother when we got home kept asking me had I been bothering my sister and asking my sister had I been bothering her . I had no idea what she was talking about and neither did my sister , but , after my mother kept going on and on and on , and us crying , and her hitting me , my sister said yes , I had been bothering her and my whole life changed . My father was a heroin addict , as well as a pimp , murderer , gangster and button man ( Hit Man ) for the Mafia . I knew that after I got older , and my mother said she remembered his works and saw him shoot up a few times without him knowing it during their marriage . I always wanted to believe and once I got older and started dealing with drugs , I wanted to believe that probably my father had been shooting up that day when he and my sister were in the bedroom , and he didn 't want my mother to know it , and was trying to clean up , or he had just started and wanted to finish getting high . But , what I did know was that I had not bothered my sister and had no idea what that meant , outside of hitting her , which I hadn 't ; and that day , and all the times I was accused of that , until I reached twelve years old and then all of a sudden it stopped , I never knew why my life had changed . Why I was being crushed physically , mentally and emotionally by my mother , why I was being tortured and abused by my mother ? Because from that day on , I was never held by my mother ; never told I love you , by my mother ; never told , by my mother , that I 'm proud of you . Not being told I love you and not being held by my mother as a child damaged me severely . When I take care of my mother today , I know what a woman must feel who is forced to care of , in some way , an aging father who sexually abused her from the age of six to twelve and then it stopped ; and you are told to never tell anyone . Well , it 's the same thing to me . I am taking care of my abuser . CHAPTER EIGHTEEN For five or six years this went on . I will not tell you all the things that were done to me . But , I will tell you the beatings , the beatings , the beatings went on forever , naked , with black and blue marks all over my body . The humiliations ; it tore my sister and me apart , I was deathly afraid of her , my sister held life and death over me . One wrong word from her . I could be awakened at night , out of sleep , interrogated and beaten like a dog . I lived with no hope , defenseless and nobody ever coming to help me , to save me . He was a 100 % mentally disabled World War Two veteran and she got distracted for the next fifteen years in trying to get his disability check which was controlled by his step - mother . I won 't go year by year and tell you what happened to me , it would take too long , suffice it to say that I was damaged in every way possible you could damage a child . What I am is a child who grew up without love , without being held , who lived in a house with a monster , a child who lived in fear , a child who gave up hope of anyone ever saving me . And then one day it just stopped , as if nothing had ever happened . I was told over and over and over by my mother to never tell anyone what she was doing to me and then it just stopped , her attention went somewhere else . It seemed . In 1965 , after it had stopped for a while , Randy went back to the hospital . He did drugs and medication drugs and smoked all day , and would go crazy . People would come get him from the VA , take him to the mental ward . She started up again , and accused me of something , it could have been anything . She told me to take off my clothes and brought the iron chord in , the back end , and proceeded to hurt me again , badly . I realized while she was doing this , that I was almost as big as her , and I wrestled the iron chord from her and threw it out the window , and then I tried to throw her out . She never hit me again . Soon after , at fourteen , I would find alcohol and all my troubles would be over . Soon after , that same year , when I reached puberty , I realized what my mother had been talking about all those years . She had been accusing me of sexually molesting my sister since I had been six or seven years old . When she told my sister and me the story of my father last year , we asked her why she had listened to her mother about me sexually abusing my sister . She said she had and she hadn 't , mainly she was mad at my father and that this had been her way of getting back at him , by hurting his son . What I found out in 1992 when I wrote a letter to everyone about what had happened to me as a child , was that my grandmother had been sexually abused as a child by her father and a step - father . The collaborative evidence was that one of my second cousins could remember Daddy Herbert my grandmother 's father , sexually molesting her in the 1960 's when he was living with her parents . So you see when I was growing up we were poor , but , there was no God for my mother , no church for my mother , no love from my mother , no nothing , just pure bleakness , no joy , no hope . I found my joy outside the home , outside the family . All I am is from those times . I tried to stay out of the apartment as much as I could . I started a paper route in the projects so I could eat . I ran errands for people in the projects so I could eat . I was being starved by my mother . She would not feed me . So I started credit at Al 's , a local grocery store , and brought Al our welfare check , so that we could eat . It wasn 't just that we were poor . I think my mother had a cruel streak and she was insane . I found other outlets and strangers to feed me , to look after me , to shelter me . I lived in a world of prostitutes , alcoholics , drug addicts , you name it I lived in it and knew it . But , these were the people who looked after me . I lived in complete horror inside and outside my little project apartment , but , I learned how to survive . The second time my father changed my life and saved me , was when I was fifteen in 1966 . Back during that incident in 1956 or 1957 he had done some jail time for being on parole and carrying a gun and from what I saw in his papers after he had died , he had been in jail again in 1959 - 61 and again in 1962 - 65 . He had just gotten out of jail when I met him again in 1966 . I met him because I had discovered alcohol and weed in 1965 and I was in gangs and I wasn 't going to school and I was violent . CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN I loved him and I felt sorry for him . I could remember the last time I had seen him . But , something would happen in April 1966 that would change me , not right away , but , I would know something else about me . That April , when I was fifteen , I went up against 18 , 19 , 20 year old gang members in the project I grew up in . They were raping 11 , 12 , 13 year old girls , had been doing it for years , little girls would be pregnant all the time . One of the girls raped was my sister , I saved her once , but I couldn 't be there all the time . I was beat to death and lived , the police finally came to the projects , there was an investigation , and the rapes stopped . CHAPTER TWENTY NINE My father had just been released from prison and I hadn 't seen him for eight or so years . When I was released from the hospital I couldn 't live in the projects for a while and I went to live with my father for about eight months , until he went back to prison . He taught me a lot during that time . My father was a pimp , a drug dealer and drug user , a real gangster and a murderer , an out an out criminal . He was no joke , the real thing . Everyone in Roxbury , Dorchester , hell in Boston , Cambridge , Medford , Summerville , Malden , Lynn , Revere , New England , Rhode Island , everyone , everywhere , feared him and knew him . He worked for the Mafia and was proud of that . His crimes and jail time were recorded in the newspapers and television and he was proud of that . He fucked everything in sight and was proud of that . He was beautiful and he was proud of that . I loved him . We would go pick up money from the girls , sometimes he 'd have to beat them and sometimes they would give me blow jobs and let me finger fuck them . My father got a kick out of that , he would laugh and the girls would laugh , and I thought I was cool . Sometimes he 'd have to get out the hanger and show me how to beat them bitches , but , I never really got into that . He would say it 's a poor rat who only got one hole . He believed in multiple women and girlfriends . He taught me how to have a bottom lady , one who 's taking care of you and running the other bitches . How to handle thirty , forty bitches at a time . How to make women make money for you , how to sex them and keep them giving you money . He told me everything a poor boy like me would need to know , to be successful with women , to get their money and hearts . I became very , very good at it and learned to appreciate the knowledge he gave me . CHAPTER THIRTY TWO He never paid me or gave me any money , not ever . During the time I was with him , I worked with and for him , and he never gave me one dime . He fed me though and gave me a bed . And , he told me this , before he went back to prison . That I would have to go back to the projects , back to my mother 's apartment and that I would have to gain entrance back into the projects , that I would have to fight my way back in . Well I knew that . I was ready to fight . He said no , that I would have to hurt someone , one of the guys that hurt me . That I would have to hurt them bad , that they would have to know it came from me , but , be afraid to retaliate , and he told me what I had to do . Well , I had always carried a bat to protect myself , when I was growing up selling newspapers , kept it in my newspaper bag . One of the guy 's I went up against was known as Cliff . Cliff was especially cruel and was known for throwing people off the roof , as well as raping little girls . Two days before my father went up , I snuck into the project at night , went to Cliff 's building on Ruggles St . Cliff was sitting on the benches with his boys , I knocked the lights out in the hallway and two floors up and down from Cliffs apartment , and waited in the dark inside the hallway near his apartment . I had known Cliff all my life , I knew what he smelled like and how he walked . When he came I hit him hard on the side of his head , twice , and threw the bat down . When he came out the hospital , he made funny noises with his mouth and he walked with his head bent over and to the side . He was never right again , and the kids and people used to make fun of him . I never made fun of him . He went back and forth to jail a few times and the last time I saw him in Boston , back in the eighties , he was a raging queen , a faggot . He was drunk and he smelled . I 'm sure I 'll have to pay and answer for that , but , I hope whoever is taking names , that they 'll remember , that maybe I saved a few little girls . I never had any trouble , anymore , in the projects . What I learned from all that was , that I had great courage , could stand up for the underdog , and that I was beautiful , and women loved me . The third time my father changed my life and saved me , was on November 11 , 1968 . My father was shot five times and four other men were killed in a storefront office called N . E . G . R . O ( New England Grass Roots Organization ) on lower Blue Hill Ave . The newspapers and television stations reported that he had been shot three times and three were killed , but , they found two more bullets later in the hospital and one of the other men died later . My sister and I would live through the same thing my mother 's family had lived through twenty years before . An horrific violent crime broadcast throughout the state and nationally , because they were touted as civil rights leaders . What they were was ex - cons who had found a way to con the state and government out of some money . I always believed that Guido St . Laurent , the Director , was real and had the best intentions for the organization . I knew my father and knew there was a scam behind it , and when he told me a few years later how he had set up the hit because he thought that Guido had one hundred thousand ( government given ) dollars in a hidden safe and how he had recruited the Campbell brothers to break in and rob the place , and that the Campbell brothers had turned on him and tried to kill him , well , I knew that was the truth . I wrote about it in a short story I called , " The Life " , and won a short story award at U . Mass . But , on November 11 , 1968 , my father was being touted as a community leader who had been shot and the " dead " others were being eulogized as community heroes . The violence was extraordinary and for months and years afterwards bodies were being found , related to the N . E . G . R . O . shooting . Finally that June 1969 , the Campbell brothers were acquitted because my father wouldn 't identify them , saying he would take care of them himself . His true colors and criminal record surfaced for all to see and he and all of us were ostracized and scorned once again . CHAPTER FORTY But , my father was changing my life , and my life would be saved . On November 11 , 1968 when I was one month from seventeen years old and now eighteen years old , I had no idea what grade I was in . I hadn 't been to school since 1966 , except to fuck around with the girls , get high , fight , and make fun of the teachers . I was lost , all I did was drink and get high . CHAPTER FORTY ONE I belonged to a gang in Grove Hall , a fighting gang , a gang that believed in getting high ; by drinking , bombers , heroin , pills , glue , anything that got you high . We had two white girls named Dottie and Anne who would come from Malden on the weekends to hang with us and give us all blow jobs . Since 1966 when I joined the gang I did nothing but , get high and write poetry , I 'm sure I had some lucid moments but I can 't really remember any . CHAPTER FORTY TWO In January of 1968 , when I was seventeen , I met a twenty three year old woman named Rosa . She had her own apartment and all the scotch , rum , and liquor I could drink and she sucked my dick like a dog . She had everything I needed , so I was never home . I never had to see my mother or sister or Randy , and I never had to go to school . CHAPTER FORTY FOUR My best friends in the gang were The Mighty Hawk , a raging alcoholic ; CP , a stone psychopath ; The Hunter ; and Petey , a heroin addict and our leader . I was TC , Freddie The Lover or Freddie . We were a gang of about thirty who traveled to parties in tens , started fights over other gangs ' bitches . We were pretty boys , who could and liked to fight . I carried and had carried since I was fourteen , two switchblade knives and knew how to use them well . I would buy knives and carry knives for many years . I loved up front and personal violence . CHAPTER FORTY FIVE We would rob some places , only businesses , not people . We would do crime and fuck with the police . But , I know our main thing was getting high . I had been living like this for years . I had no other life . I loved my life . I was free and could get high anytime I wanted to . I had lots of girlfriends , but , Rosa was my bottom lady , kept me rocked with the latest jams , get high smoke and all the liquor I could drink . This is how I was living on November 11 , 1968 . And then my life changed . When my father was shot , I got noticed , people started to notice me . The kids were first . They said , isn 't that your father ? The people in the street ; the prostitutes , pimps , drug people , said , isn 't that your father ? . When I went to school the teachers and the good kids said , isn 't that your father ? . I was a mess , I probably smelled , I was a ragamuffin , unloved and unwashed . But , I looked totally opposite of what I was . I looked soft , I fooled many people over the years , until I would bite . So , when I went to Dorchester High at the beginning of December 1968 , I was just there to get high and walk the hallways with my knives , and fool around with the good girls who were giving me some attention because of my father being shot . And this white guy , who I remembered was the headmaster , came up to me , and said , I know what happened and that Fred Rose is your father . He said , If you can swim four laps at the Boys Club , I 'm going to graduate you . CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT I almost spit on him . but , I looked down on him and said , I can swim four laps . One of the things I did as a child to get away from my mother was to join the Boys Club and the YMCA where I became a champion swimmer and where I became the only person in my family , outside of my grandmother , to be sexually molested as a child . I was eleven years old and probably the staff man at the YMCA saw me , always there alone , no parents , nobody interested in me . CHAPTER FORTY NINE He invited me down the basement steps one day and played with my pee pee and gave me a bunch of quarters , when I asked him what he had done , he said one day I would know . I ran home to the projects and my mother was sitting on a bench , I showed her the money and said the guy at the YMCA had given it to me . She took the money from me and put it in her bag . I went back to the Y the next day looking for the man so I could get some more money , but they said he had quit . I looked for him all the time for a while , wanting the money . ( I understand completely why and how kids get picked up and killed . ) CHAPTER FIFTY Anyway Mr . Harrison , who has risen to sainthood in my mind today , kept his word . I swam the four laps and graduated from Dorchester High School , with kids I hardly knew , with a ninth grade education . I swam the four laps that December and never went back to Dorchester High again , never took a test , never did nothing , but walk up there and get a diploma . Without Mr . Harrison , I would have been a High School dropout and would never have been the person I am . I would have died a long time ago like Petey , in jail , with a heroin needle in my arm . Without Mr . Harrison , there would be no me and no you . I pray for his forgiveness at how I treated him and thank him always , for noticing me , for seeing me . CHAPTER FIFTY ONE In May 1969 , my mother moved from the projects to 77 Jacob St . , but , it was too late for me . I was gone . I was lost , but , I did have that High School degree . My mother told me either I get a real job or get out . I saw a job in the paper at a nursing home on Townsend St . and went down to apply for the job . The man let me in and showed me my pail , my mop , my broom , how to lift the old ladies up and wipe their pee and shit down , how to put the rubber mats underneath them , how to wash the floors . He showed me my life , he showed me what my life could look like . He walked me to the door and said , " I 'll see you Monday " . And then GOD took my hand and walked me down to Washington St . , then to Egelston Station . CHAPTER FIFTY TWO I knew GOD , I had put myself in St . Francis De Sales Parochial School . When I was eight years old in the fourth grade . When I was seven and eight I used to go up to the rectory and get food for my sister and me . There were two Priests . One was Monsigner . Kerr , the other , was Caribbean - American , his name was Father Paul Francis . He asked me one day if I would like to come to the school , I said yes , he came and talked to my mother and said that he would have the Diocese pay for my tuition from the fourth to the eighth grade , if I would become a good Catholic and go to Mass . CHAPTER FIFTY THREE Father Paul Francis kept his promise and to this day I have kept mine . While my mother was killing me , the Priest and Nuns were trying to save my life , and they did . Without those wonderful saints , I know that I would have turned out much worse . Without having that little knowledge about GOD and goodness that they gave me , I would have been a rapist or murderer of women , which is what happens to most boys who are severely abused by their mothers . CHAPTER FIFTY FOUR So on that June day I knew GOD , and GOD took my hand and put me on the bus to downtown Boston . I had no idea where I was going . To this day , I have no idea of where I was going . I got off the bus at Tremont St . and walked up the street and I saw a sign that said " Uncle Sam Wants You " . I remember to this day thinking , " Somebody wants me " . I walked in there , and the white guy said , and this is verbatim " Oh you made it , good . Where do you want to go " . CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE Now , I don 't know where there 's anywhere to go , since I 've never been anywhere . Nobody in my family had ever taken me anywhere . No trips , no nothing . So the only place I know to go that this guy with a uniform is asking me to go to , is Vietnam , I had seen that place on TV , with other people in uniforms . So that must be where you go . I told him Vietnam . He said no problem we can get you there . He asked me to sit down and asked some questions . I asked if I could leave right now . He said no , that I would have to wait a month . CHAPTER FIFTY SIX I signed all the papers and left knowing that in a month anything could happen to me . But , I left knowing that GOD and me had found out that I didn 't have to be in the ghetto anymore . I had a diploma , I could leave , I could get out . CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN I went to Rosa 's but I left after a few days , we were just getting high all the time and I was tired of that . I went back to my mother 's , but , she was insane . I went to a friend of mine in the projects and crashed there and then I went to CP 's house where we began to go on a crime spree . CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT I then stayed with my uncle 's girlfriend on Blue Hill Ave . and partied with her for a week while my uncle was in the hospital in some more therapy . She was a drunken dog , but we had fun at all the bars , hangin out , go back to her place and do everything to her . My uncle and her had adjacent apartments , so I 'm in there one morning in the bed with her and he comes in , but , he can 't see . So she takes him in another room and starts fuckin him . I get my clothes , go out to the ledge and climb down . CHAPTER FIFTY NINE CP , The Hawk , Petey and me start doing crime with a gun and robbed this stadium at the end of June . Petey is so high on heroin that he just stands there with the gun going AuUUUUU . I take the gun from him and leap over the counter and tell the guy to give up the money . I take the money , give it to CP and race up to the street in my flip flops . There is a bus at the top of the hill and I get on it . The bus driver sees me get on and shortly the police come and ask the driver if they had seen anybody running through . I 'm sitting there holding my breath , looking out the window , being cool . The white bus driver waits a beat , looks at them and then says no . The police get off and he rides down the hill with me on it . CHAPTER SIXTY I go back to Rosa 's for a few days and then to my mother 's house . My mail is there and they want me to come to the Army base in South Boston on July 11 , 1969 . I make it till then , and leave from my mother 's house , with a paper bag sandwich , and no goodbyes . I was eighteen years old and I never came back to live in her house again . CHAPTER SIXTY ONE On July 11 , 1969 , I walked out of the real ghetto , alone , a drug addicted , alcoholic , gang member . A criminal ; a physically , mentally , emotionally and sexually abused child , who wrote poetry . I took that walk to the United States Air Force and I 've never stopped walking , never stopped learning , never stopped trying , never stopped . THE BEGINNING Since I was sixteen I have been on my own and handled my life , every day . I 've made hundreds of mistakes , and had hundreds of successes , hurt hundreds of people , been hurt by hundreds of people , helped hundreds and been helped by hundreds . I took that walk , with no one to talk to , no one to give me advice and help except strangers , and everyday I 've tried to better myself and drag as many as I can with me , with honor . CHAPTER SIXTY FOUR When I received an Official Resolution from Boston City Councillor Charles C . Yancey and the City of Boston on January 14th , 2009 for my achievements in the Music and Book industries , and spoke in the Boston City Hall , City Council Chamber , it was one of the proudest moments of my life . When I received Gold and Platinum Albums and Golden Reel Awards for my work in the music business , when I received the NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Literature in 2013 , all I could think of was , " how far I 've come , from whence I 've come from " . On my own will and initiative , I crawled out from under the squalor I was born in and came from , and made something of myself . The Air Force trained me , to , as I look out for myself to look out for others . The road was hard and rough , but , I never whined , felt sorry for myself , or blamed others about the cards I 'd been given . What I did do was try hard to become the best man I could and to restore my family 's name . And I have done that . In this country and other countries and especially in my home town , Boston , when they hear my name , they think of success , not some criminal , and when you meet people who know me , you can hold your head up with pride . I have worked hard to be what I never knew how to be , a father and a parent . I had no idea what being a father or parent was . I had no uncles , no brothers , no family of any consequence . Nothing . They taught me nothing and never , ever , gave me anything . I had no idea what a father did , what a mother did . CHAPTER SIXTY SEVEN I first heard my mother say she was proud of me in 2005 . I brought her to live near me , when she needed me , not because I loved her , but , because I am a good son . Over time I have learned to try to love her , and to truly , with the help and love of God , forgive her and try to understand her pain , then and now . I have always , even at their worst , somehow , try to respect my mother and father . When my father needed money in 1986 to pay the taxes on my Grandmere 's house I paid $ 16 , 000 in back taxes . When he needed money for a cancer problem in 1988 , I left a $ 15 , 000 check for him with my attorney , and he picked it up . He died a few months or so later , but , I know that he used that money for his pain and that the medication and money gave him some comfort before he died . When my mother needed a home I bought her one . I have helped my family hundreds of times over the years . My sister I gave fifteen thousand dollars to , so that she could buy her first condo , and she used that money to move on up . I 've spent thousands of dollars in putting my mother in a home near me and have spent thousands more to keep her there and made her life free and easy . I have helped and tried to be there for all of you with money , love , advice , my time , my energy , my passion and love for all of you and never asked for anything but your love back , and maybe a card for my birthday . CHAPTER SIXTY NINE |
One of the most stressful things about sexual abuse , besides the abuse itself , is the taboo against telling someone . Abusers tell victims ( children and teenagers ) , that they must not tell anyone , and that they will be hurt badly or killed if they tell . The abuser also may tell the victim that a loved caregiver will hate them because they are so bad . Often the victims of this crime grow up with a terrible secret knocking constantly at their consciousness . It 's like throwing a ball against the wall and catching it . You wish you had someone to catch it , but you alone keep catching the secret and throwing it back into your mind , because you believe you will suffer grave consequences if you tell . According to psychologists , eventually the secret abuse settles somewhere in the child 's sub - conscious and cannot be retrieved . Sometimes the secret remains hidden years after the abuse is over . My secret , the sexual abuse by a maid , was not revealed until I was middle - aged . I went to a mental hospital and my therapist helped me remember my abuse . With that came the realization that I had wanted to tell my mother very badly at the time , but did not , because my abuser told me she would kill me with the butcher knife if I ever told anyone . Therefore , these secrets , the secrets of sexual abuse , eventually hid in my subconscious . Along with that , I developed alternate personalities that didn 't even know about the abuse . It was only when I had the courage to tell my therapist that the stress of hiding the secret was released . My story has been told , but there are millions of stories out there that have never been told . Every year the Children 's Advocacy Centers in the United States help over 100 , 000 children who have been abused . These children may be battered , beaten , starved , locked up , berated , or forced into having sex with an adult or sibling . This is not acceptable in our American society , where we value each life . We must pass stronger laws to stop it . We must address the needs of girls who are being abused by their fathers or step fathers . Often the first thing they do after being assaulted is tell their mothers . Unfortunately this disclosure is often met with retaliation and disbelief . How many young girls have been slapped in the face , yelled at and told they have dirty minds . They are accused of lying . If Mom won 't listen , I strongly advise these girls to tell a teacher or responsible caregiver about this incest . To tell can lead to release from this situation . If YOU are being abused or you are suspicious that a child is being abused , please call the Child Advocacy Center or Children 's Services in your area . It is their job to investigate and RESCUE ABUSE VICTIMS . Their phone numbers are on the internet . Or you can call 1 - 800 - 4 - A - CHILD , the national number for reporting abuse . My prayers are with you if you decide to tell . If only decorating the tree was as easy as this simple painting . The first thing I do is assemble my large imitation tree . I help my husband as he places the color - coded branches in their respective spaces on the pole , which eventually becomes an evergreen - shaped plastic object . Once the branches are in place , I go around the tree spreading out the small boughs like lettuce leaves , so they are available to hang ornaments . Next I go for the lights ! This year I am using the larger colored bulbs for a more old - fashioned look . As I struggle unwinding the cords , my husband says : No , because I am OCD . ( Doctors say this means Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder , but I say it means Overly Concerned Dunce ) . I can 't accept help because I need to have all the lights spaced evenly around the tree with no two lights of the same color next to each other . No one else seems to have the patience or concern to do that . And if they do , they always make a mistake and I have to do it over . And if you are a mental health practitioner , yes I am in therapy ! Unfortunately , I am that way with the ornaments too , so the next day I drag out the old foot - locker that has held our Christmas decorations for the last 20 years . It is always fun to open it , because years ago I glued a giant picture of Santa 's face on the inside , and he greets me with a big smile . I can 't help it . I always smile back and giggle . I begin routing around for ornaments , pulling out the larger glass balls first , then the medium and small . I put them on the tree carefully , according to color , spacing and size until I am satisfied that it looks perfect . Then I add the special ones , including angels of different sizes , a snowman , a glass elephant and a Madonna and child ornament . At last the tree is beginning to look done . I fall exhausted onto the sofa , while my husband tries to revive me , patting me softly and saying " it looks beautiful . " But I don 't hear him , I 'm asleep . I have been in therapy for multiple personalities since 1992 . During that time I have discovered more than 13 alters in a system I call the Vortex . This is a circular system in my mind that organizes my personalities , so they can be remembered and accessed . My therapists and psychologists have identified and spoken to most of my alters , and we knew about Sarah but she had never revealed herself except during hypnosis in 1993 . She is four years old . " No , no , no ! " she cried . She squeezed into the wing chair , and hugged the side for protection and to make herself seem smaller . She writhed in the chair , as though she was being attacked by snakes . " Who are you ? " Dr . Foster said . At first she would not identify herself , but after whining for several minutes she answered . She is carrying a lot of shame . " I had to go in there to get away from the Green Girl ( my abuser ) . She made me all slimy and hated me , so I disappeared . I went into the hole so she couldn 't abuse me any more . I need to go there now , so no - one finds me . " " I don 't care . I don 't want anyone to see me , because I 'm so ugly and sticky , " Sarah answered . " I have slime all over me from the Green Girl . " " You still have slime on you from 68 years ago ? " Dr . Foster asked . Sarah thought about that . It has been 68 years since my abuse . Sarah smiled , perhaps for the first time in 68 years . " I know , " she said , " I can have the elephant shoot the cannonballs at people through his trunk . " She laughed about that . Sarah was feeling much better . I 've received many compliments from those who have heard it , and I 'm planning to do more speaking on the subject . I am proud to be able to shed light on dissociative identity disorder with multiple personalities . It has been a mystery for too long . I am so excited to tell everyone that I will be on the radio on Sunday , September 21st at 12 : 00 noon . The program is entitled Conversations from Studio B . I was interviewed in the studio by Tom Walker of the National Alliance on Mental Health , ( NAMI ) . The interview will be broadcast on Ohio Public Radio , WOUB in Athens and affiliate stations . NAMI is one of the only national organizations that concentrates on helping the mentally sick . They have classes for people diagnosed with mental problems , for people who have children who are mentally ill , and for spouses of the mentally ill . The classes are meant to teach and guide caregivers and family members to emotional healing and wellness . Tom has years of experience as an interviewer and kept the program running along smoothly , asking me pertinent questions about having Multiple Personalities . I answered honestly , if not sanely , revealing some of the pitfalls of MPD . If you miss the program , the interview was taped and will soon be available on the internet . Simply type in Conversations from Studio B and your computer will bring up links to hear most of the shows that have been recorded . My name , Nancy DeLaval Miller , will be listed next to the program . " Kathy is a 29 year old white married female who , after having taken an overdose of sleeping pills in her home , was discovered by her husband and admitted to a hospital . This overdose was attributed to her inability to cope with her responsibility as a wife and mother . The husband reported that several times he had found food burning in the oven . On one occasion the patient was saved from a fire in the home but was unable to recall how it started . The patient also denied ever having had a sexual relationship with her husband , although she was the mother of his three children . The patient 's early development was uneventful except for temper tantrums and nightmares . The nightmares began at about age three when the parents would entertain in their home leaving the child to cry for hours . She would eventually fall asleep only to wake up frightened and screaming . At age four she had her first traumatic experience . One night she found her father naked in bed with her five year old neighbor . She said that she was stunned with fear and surprise and ran away to her room . Her father followed her and gently persuaded her to take off her clothes and to join him and the other girl in their sexual play . Later , alone in her room , she felt guilty and cried for several hours , denying to herself what had taken place , and only got relief when she attributed what had happened to someone else , whom she called " Pat . " The second day when approached by her father and the girl , she insisted on being called " Pat . " Also , she continued to engage in oral sex with the father , for nearly five years . At age nine she experienced her second traumatic event , when her mother caught her with her father . The mother became angry with the father , wept for some time and insisted on taking her daughter in her bed every night . After a short time the mother became attached to her daughter sexually in what the mother described as a safer relationship . " Kathy " could not accept this , denied to herself what was happening and attributed it to a new person , " Vera " , who continued the relationship with the mother for another five years . At age 14 , she suffered her third traumatic experience . This was rape by an older man , who was her father 's best friend . " Kathy " became very depressed , called herself " Debby " and slept away from the mother . At that time , she was described by the parents as being very miserable . She became mute and was admitted to a hospital . Following discharge she was seen by a therapist to whom she became very attached . He showed marked curiosity about the different personalities and became fascinated with her case . He suggested hypnosis as a treatment for her condition . His hypnotherapy sessions focused on the rape incident . He felt that " Debby " was the strongest of the personalities . Instead of concentrating on " Kathy " , he encouraged " Debby " to dominate the therapy sessions and talk about " Pat " and " Vera " , reinforcing their roles as dominant personalities . It was at this period , she terminated her therapy and began to call herself " Kathy " , " Pat " , " Vera " , and " Debby " at different times . At age 18 , she had her fourth traumatic experience . " Kathy " became very attached to a boyfriend in town . Her parents opposed the relationship and refused to allow her to meet with him . Her mother was constantly warning her that men could not be trusted , pointing to her own marriage to her father . The patient became scared , unable to trust either of her parents , and ran away from home to another town . She could not find a job , and her need of money drove her into prostitution . She began calling herself " Nancy " . " Debby " rejected " Nancy " and forced her to overdose on sleeping pills . She was then admitted to a mental hospital where she met her husband , who also was admitted following a suicide attempt . This time the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder was confirmed . If you would like to read it , you have to go to my blog and start on the blog from May 24th , My Neighbor the Yard Gnome , which is the first section of the series . Then you would read the blog from May 26th , Yard Gnome II . If your not laughing by that time , you can read the blog from May 27th , Yard Gnome III . I hope you can still laugh after all this confusion . I didn 't think things could get any worse , when Jessie devised a plan for catching her husband . She had found an old dolly in the shed . It wasn 't a baby doll , it was one of those gizmos men use to move heavy items . She thought we could pick up the gnome and move him back to the house on the dolly . It wasn 't a bad idea , considering the problem . I wish you could have seen us trying to move that stupid gnome . We had a terrible time getting it onto the dolly , and when we did , neither of us had to strength to push it over the grass . We were groaning and moaning . It was a predicament . The gnome was the heaviest thing I had ever tried to lift and even together we could hardly get him right side up . He was at a weird angle and pretty far away from the bird bath . After our dolly folly , neither Jessie nor I could figure out what to do . Since I didn 't really believe Paul had turned into a yard gnome , I decided I needed to spy on him at night . I didn 't mention to Jessie that I thought he was seeing another woman , but she thought he must be moving around at night , doing the yard work by the light of the moon . The next night we hid outside behind the bushes near the bird bath and watched the gnome . It was back in its original place , with the hose in its hand . Nothing happened for awhile and I almost feel asleep , when we heard a funny noise and something whizzed past us into the woods . The yard gnome had moved ! " Yes I did , and I heard it too . Do you think it was ……… could it have been … . . Paul ? " I couldn 't believe it . How could he move that fast . I must have been asleep . I couldn 't see Jessie 's face , but I knew she was excited . We began calling out Paul 's name into the darkness , sneaking through the yard quietly . Jessie handed me a flashlight and I lead the way , as we walked round and round the bird bath and through the yard . She was calling Paul in a plaintive voice . " Paul …… Paul , please come in … . Here Paul … . . I 'm sorry I made you do all the housework … " She repeated it like a mantra for awhile . Finally she screamed " Come here you idiot . " " Of course , " I whispered . I pointed the light toward the woods , checking out the trees and the bushes , but no Paul . There was a slight glow coming from behind one of the larger trees , and suddenly I saw the top of a pointy red hat . I grabbed Jessie by the arm . " Look over there , " I whispered . We both saw the red hat . We moved closer and I turned off the flashlight so Paul couldn 't see us . Then we saw the tops of more than one hat . My thoughts were running wild . Could there be more of these little men ? More yard gnomes ? Was this a meeting ? There was a small fire in the middle of the group and we heard quiet laughter . We slipped up closer to the little fire and counted the gnomes . Six in all , and sure enough , there was a female gnome standing next to Paul . She looked almost the same as the other gnomes , but she had blond hair , no beard and she was wearing a skirt . Jessie was really mad by then , and I hoped she knew better than to make a scene . " Not ! " he said . " I 've met someone else . " He nodded his head towards the cute little female gnome . " You know what they say , gnome , sweet gnome . " On the way home , despite her anger , a tear ran down Jessie 's cheek . " I had no idea my husband would become a yard gnome . Do you think I forced him into it ? I miss Paul , and I am so lonely sometimes . It 's just not that nice at home anymore . " I finally had the answer she needed . " Well , at least your yard is beautiful ! The lawn seems to be perfectly groomed , and I got you a subscription to Gnome and Garden magazine . " This story becomes sadder and sadder every time I tell it . Jessie was coming over to my house every morning to discuss her problem . As I sat with her , I realized she was slipping over the edge . " You think I should go to a psychologist ? " Jessie was definitely insulted and she got up and left , slamming my kitchen door so hard , I thought the glass was going to break . I felt bad about it , but I breathed a sigh of relief . " I guess you 're right . Do you have the name and number of a psychologist ? " I gave her the number and she left . When I drove past her house I saw that the yard gnome had not moved and was still holding the hose , smiling . I was amazed that Jessie 's yard still looked perfect . How could that be ? I asked her if she was doing the yard work . " Yes it does , " I agreed . Over the next few days I really tried to figure it out . How could a man turn into a yard gnome , I kept thinking . There had to be some explanation . Maybe Paul had put a stone yard gnome in his place and was sneaking off to see another woman . It certainly made sense considering the way Jessie treated him . But how could the gnome look so much like him ? Later that week Jessie knocked on my door . " Oh no , here we go again , " I thought . I was glad to hear she had visited the psychologist , but sad to hear the results . " That psychologist is a nutcase . He kept asking me about my feelings . How did I feel about my husband turning to stone ? Had I done anything to offend him ? How did I feel about doing his household chores ? Was I willing to give up my soaps ? It was just hopeless . When I got home it was dark . I hoped Paul had returned to being a man , so I ran in the house hoping he was watching TV , being his normal self . He wasn 't . " She started crying again . " It doesn 't matter how I feel about it , it only matters that he 's not around any more . He 's not around to do the dishes , or take out the garbage or wash the car . He doesn 't do the vacuuming , or dust . He 's just standing in the yard . I knew he 'd find a way to avoid doing his chores . " When I first met Jessica and Paul Yardley I thought they would be great neighbors . They were polite and friendly and their place looked like a picture from Home and Garden magazine . Often , during those first weeks after they moved in , I would see Paul working in the yard - mowing , planting , pruning , watering - he did everything with a pleasant smile on his face . He seemed very happy . However , I soon learned that Jessie wasn 't happy at all . When we got together for coffee one day , she expounded on her husband 's faults . He was lazy and stupid , shirked his chores in the house , and all he wanted to do was work in the yard . I came away realizing she was very bossy and quite dysfunctional , even crazy perhaps . Friday , she came rushing over to my house and knocked loudly on the back door . " Can I talk to you ? " she asked , pushing her way into the house . I agreed and we sat down at the kitchen table . " Paul won 't come in the house ! " I had no answer for this and she went on . " Paul went out to work in the yard on Wednesday and never came back in . He finished the mowing two hours later and I kept expecting him to come back in the house , but he didn 't . I didn 't really care at first . I needed my nap and I had to watch my soaps , plus I had to prepare dinner . It seems like the work never ends . " I 'm over here , " he yelled back . His voice sounded a little weaker than usual , but I didn 't think anything of it . He was some distance away . " I 'll be in soon , " he said smiling at me . I thought his smile was a little stiff , but I was too far away to get a good look . I was tired from a long day 's housework and I went back inside . I called him two more times that evening , but I finally ate dinner alone . I even ate some of his , but I left him some on a plate . Then I did his job , washing the dishes . That made me really mad and I called him several more times to come in , but didn 't get an answer . That evening I fell asleep in front of the TV , alone . " Unbelievable as it seems , Jessie told me that Paul never came in that night . In fact , he never came back in at all , and it made her very angry . The next day she went out to find him . He was still standing by the bird bath with the hose . She decided she needed to check him out carefully , so she trekked all the way out to the bird bath to see him . She noticed that he looked shorter than usual . " Aren 't you going to come in soon ? I 'm sure the birds and the flowers have enough water by now ! " " I don 't really care if the president came by , " she screamed . " I need your help in the house ! " She was finally losing her patience with her husband . Didn 't he know that he had responsibilities in the house ? The dishes were piling up and he forgot she needed help with the vacuuming . And why would she care if the wild animals had enough to drink ? After an uncomfortable silence she said , " Well , I 'm going ahead with my day . If you want to stay out here all day , I guess that 's up to you ! " She was mad and stomped into the house . The next morning she called me and asked me to come over and try to convince Paul to come back in the house . When I saw him I was shocked . He seemed much shorter than I remembered , so I looked down to see if he was standing in a hole . He wasn 't . His white hair had grown longer . His face looked the same but his body was much smaller than it had been . Paul Yardley seemed to be morphing into a little yard gnome . Even his clothes and shoes must have gotten smaller , because they still fit the same way . And somewhere he found a long pointy red hat . " Take that hat off , " Jessie demanded . " It makes you look stupid . " He just looked at her and laughed . She didn 't want the neighbors to see him wearing it . She grabbed at the hat , but then grimaced . " Feel this hat , " she said , giving me a direct order . To my surprise , the hat was as hard as a rock . I was taken aback . Jessie and I couldn 't pull it off . We looked at Paul with total bewilderment . Then I touched his shoulder and it was hard too . " What happened to you ? " I asked . He just stood there watering and smiling and didn 't answer . I wondered if he could even talk . Could his mouth move if it was stone ? His eyes were still alert and moved around , looking at me and the lawn . " Quit turning into stone and come in the house , " Jessie demanded , but by noon Paul had turned completely into a yard gnome . All the yard work was meticulously done , but we never saw him move a muscle or a stone arm or leg , or give a toss of his hard head . He was as hard as a rock , and couldn 't talk , so Jessie turned off the hose and went shopping . I often dream that I live in a giant cage made of iron bars . Inside the cage is a circular iron staircase , and I start climbing . Step by step I ascend the stairs and as I climb I can hear the sounds of people moving around and talking . I climb higher and stop at a landing and look around . If I look down I get dizzy and I realize that the iron bars aren 't very stable and that I might fall at any time . There is a wooden door on the landing , so I knock and soon Nola Peters answers the door . Nola doesn 't like me . She thinks I 'm dirty and spoiled , and she hates me when I scream . " Okay , come in , but watch out for all these boxes . I 'm unpacking . " She waves her hand around the room , which is filled with dusty boxes piled on top of each other . Soon I remember that I have a purpose in climbing the stairs . " I 'm searching for a way out of the cage . Do you know the way ? " " No , sorry . I just got here , " she answers and turns back to her boxes . " If you look through the bars you can see Bonnie across the way . Maybe she knows the way out . " I looked hard and realized that Nola 's room didn 't have any walls , just bars around it . A few yards away , past another room , was Bonnie , my old friend from college . " Me too , " she says . " That 's why I am going to be moving , " Bonnie told me . " I am getting an apartment a few blocks away . " I am astounded that she will be leaving the cage . AFTERWORD : The iron bars symbolize the place where my abuser lived . She was a juvenile delinquent and lived at the Gumbert School for Wayward Girls north of Pittsburgh . My parents took my sister and me to see the home one day when they had an open house . The school was home to many girls and had a tall iron fence around it . To get to the house we had to park far away and walk through a very tall iron gate . I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I have multiple personalities . I was violently sexually abused at the age of four , which is the main cause of my disorder . I became confused about who I was , and I have a theory about how child abuse causes a person to become a multiple . During the abuse , I couldn 't stand to be present , so I pretended I was someone else . I allowed confusion to help me pretend I was also somewhere else , doing something besides being abused . All this confusion helped me avoid the feelings of shame and anguish and forget that it happened . I developed five childhood personalities or alters . I was creative enough to form alternate personalities , but not mindful enough to push them aside when I was not being abused . I developed a proclivity for inventing alters , which carried into my teens and adulthood . During high school , my friends would wave their hands in front of my face , trying to get my attention when I was dissociating , and wanting me to tune into reality as they saw it . I became conflicted . My alters wanted to come out , but people didn 't recognize them . If all this is true , I am now conflicted and confused . My personalities don 't always agree about things and they argue with one another and get angry at each other . In a way I am fighting a battle inside me . I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder . Most of you who are multiples are probably aware of these theories and I encourage you to speak out on March 5th , which is MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DAY . Recognize it . Acknowledge it and celebrate it . It 's good to have so many survivors of child abuse . I was going to blog about the psychodynamics of complex multiple personality disorder today , but when I woke up my brain went into a pathological brain freeze . When I try to think , this fluffy white stuff starts flying around in my head , giving me cerebral frostbite . I would very much like to share wonderful truths with my followers , but the truth is I have only frozen memories of such things . Things such as words , sentences , clear thoughts , memories , ideas and other assorted subjects evade me . In other words , my brain is snowed in . Sorry about that ! Perhaps tomorrow there will be a thaw . |
blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . Today we had a fairly decent day . I got up before the alarm went off . The kids got up and ready without a fuss . We got out of the house this morning without any problems and I didn 't forget anything or have to make any extra trips back to Gage 's school ! It would have been a great day , if it weren 't for this stinking headache . Day 2 today . I believe it 's a sinus headache because I am so stuffed up . I still have a nasty sounding cough , but without the chest pain now . Scott is in Northern Iowa for some meetings and is due back late tomorrow night . He is looking forward to Friday . Apparently Barrack Obama is going to be in North Dakota on Friday ( Grand Forks I believe ? ) and Scott has tickets to his rally . As far as I know he has never been to anything like this and he is really excited about it . I 'd go with him if it were Hillary ! : - ) After lunch today Emma and I went to the library . Last night she couldn 't go to sleep and on her last trip up to see me she said , " Mom , can we go to that place where they have books and videos ? " " You mean the library Emma ? " " YEAH ! " We went after lunch and she picked out a pile of books , played with the puzzles and picked out a couple of DVD 's . I guess Gage had told her to pick him out a video and some books . She picked a video for him , but not a book . I told him he should have asked me , I would have loved to get him some books . We just finished reading Junie B . Jones Jingle Bells Batman smells ( and P . S . so does May ! ) . It was a funny book . I wish there were more available . We have gotten all of the Junie B . books read and are anxiously awaiting a new book to come out . Emma loves them just as much as Gage . She isn 't much into chapter books yet , unless it 's Junie B . I have been amazed at how well Gage and Emma have gotten along in the last 2 days . ( I 'm knocking on wood ) Today after school they were sitting on the couch watching television and Gage was leaned up against her and she had her arm around him . If I had had my camera , that certainly would have been a Kodak moment ! I 'm sure it will nPosted by The kids are so excited . After talking with my sister Kysa this past week , I think it 's decided her kids are going to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks this summer ! Gage asked me today , " Mom when is Coly and Dustin going to be here ? " I shouldn 't have told them yet , as I have a feeling this is a question I am going to be asked frequently in the next few months ! When Emma was a baby , my niece Katie came and stayed with us for a week or so ( I guess it 's been long enough ago I can 't even remember how long it was she stayed with us ? ) and it was a fun time . ( I hope Katie felt the same way ! ) Anyway , we are so excited ! There 's no backing out now Kysa ! : - ) Today we got up and made it to the 9am church service . That was no easy task after my shot of NyQuil last night . I love that stuff ! It works better than any other medicine I am aware of in helping me not cough my lungs up during the night ! I 've had a terrible headache most of the day and am hoping I won 't have it when I wake up in the morning ! One thing that really stinks is waking up with a headache . The kids had a good day . We played outside for quite awhile this afternoon . I tried getting Emma to ride her bike a little bit without her training wheels and she isn 't quite brave enough , or determined enough to do it . We then went to the backyard to play a little baseball and ended up having to put the zip and hit toy away because Brie couldn 't stand the fact that the ball couldn 't be retrieved by her since it is stuck on the zip line . She LOVES to play baseball ! Unknowingly , we taught her how to retrieve the balls and bring them right back to the pitcher 's mound and drop them last year . She then gets back into her defensive position and gets the ball everytime . Makes my job A LOT easier . Scott doesn 't necessarily like her playing this game with us , as he thinks it could ruin her on retrieving ducks . I think she 's smart enough to separate the two activities . It 's the only thing she does that makes me really like her ! : - ) We 're hoping for a good week this week andPosted by I had a blog entry typed up , and have been waiting for OVER AN HOUR for a video to upload and I lost it ! UGH ! I was trying to put a video on that Scott took with his camera last fall of some tumbleweeds . Gage and I went to Walmart this afternoon , while Scott was laid up on the couch sick , and while Emma hung out watching a video , and it was like an invasion of the tumbleweeds at Walmart . They were all over the parking lot and many were lodged underneath people 's cars . They were even finding their way into Walmart stuck underneath carts that were left outside . I thought it would be neat to post that little video , and have now wasted over an hour and it 's gone ! UGH ! When Gage and I got home from Walmart , Emma was sitting outside in front of our house in the rock bed in her pajamas . She did have a coat and shoes on , thank goodness . I wonder how many people drove by wondering why she was outside playing in her pajamas ? She was happy to see us when we drove up and I asked her what she was doing outside in her pajamas . She just smiled . I don 't know if Scott told her it was okay , or if she just took it upon herself to go on outside ? Sorry for the short entry , but I am going to go take my shot of NyQuil and hit the hay . I 've already spent too much time trying to get that darned video on here ! I guess it is my turn to be sick ? I have had an awful cough for a few days now , and today my chest hurts even if I 'm not coughing . UGH ! The other night I took some NyQuil before going to bed and I woke up in a delirium . When my alarm went off at 7 a . m . I quickly got up to hit the snooze button . When I jumped back in bed , I looked back up at the dresser and had to do a double take . Scott had to leave early yesterday morning , so he wasn 't there when the alarm went off . Anyway , when I got back in bed , and did my double take , here is the conversation that was happening in my head . " Is that a Starbucks coffee cup sitting there on the dresser ? " " No way ! Scott surely didn 't go to Starbucks and get me a coffee to have when I woke up , did he ? " I start squinting my eyes to try to get a better look because I didn 't have my glasses on and it was still dark in the room . " Well , it looks like it could be a cup of coffee sitting there , but I don 't see the little insulated wrap they put around the cup ? " " I should get up and get it . " " He surely didn 't think to do that , did he ? " " He does do nice things like that for me , so maybe he did ? " " I just don 't believe it is ? " " I should get up and get it , because by the time I get up , it might be cold . " " No , it can 't be a Starbucks . " " Wow , if it is , that was really thoughtful of him ! " " It just can 't be ! " Finally , after probably 5 minutes of this , I finally got up to check and it was my lotion bottle . I just knew that wasn 't possible . Yesterday when I told him about my delirium and the conversation I had going on in my head , he laughed . It was kind of funny . I could have solved the whole problem by just getting up to look in the first place . But it was nice and warm in my bed and I didn 't want to get out . I told him I didn 't want to tell him about it because I didn 't want him to do it because I had planted the idea in his head . This morning I had a Starbucks coffee waiting for me when I woke up ! : - ) Even though I felt like crap this morning , that was a nice surprise , even if I did plant the idePosted by I was trying to scan one of Gage 's school papers to share on my blog , but it won 't upload it for some reason . Yesterday he brought a paper home from school . They were working on Adjectives for How Many . They were to " Write about the people in your family . Use adjectives that tell how many " . Here 's what Gage wrote word for word , with his spellings . My sisster has twenty one webkinz ! Dad has a gazillyon decoys . Mom has a trilyon scrapbook thigs and I have four peple in my famaly . I thought that was pretty funny . I asked him which number was higher , a gazillyon or a trilyon . He said a gazillyon so I guess Dad has more decoys than I have scrapbook things . I better get some more Cricut cartridges ! : - ) So far , knocking on wood , I have not yet had to make a second trip back to school this week with any forgotten items , i . e . library books , shoes , etc . I know there 's another day yet in the school week , but I 'm doing pretty good so far ! Emma didn 't want to go to school this morning . I 'm not sure of the exact reason why , but I think it had something to do with Silas not being there ? Her excuse to me was , " Well , the Lego boys think they have to play with the legos on Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday , Thursday , Friday ( and she repeated the days of the week about three times ) . " The " Lego boys " are a group of boys who are always playing together and hogging the legos . They weren 't very nice to Silas , and I think sometimes Emma ? She had class pictures today , so I didn 't want her to miss that , so she went . We had a difficult time this morning agreeing on an outfit , which ended up being a black long - sleeved t - shirt with a denim skirt and leopard spotted tights with hot pink and black stripes . She had vanilla yogurt spilled all over the front of her shirt before we left for school , so I had to take her upstairs for some " spot cleaning " before we left , then had to blow it dry . Emma was high maintenance this morning ! Before I left her at school this morning I told the teachers about her not wanting to come today , and her reasoning about the " Lego boys " . They informed me that she is right there at the Lego table with the boys playing most of the time . So , I believe that confirmed it was more about Silas being gone , than the " Lego boys " . The kids certainly miss the Jennings family , as do I . Yesterday was Silas ' real birthday and both Emma and Gage had to talk to him on the phone yesterday 2 separate times to tell him Happy Birthday . Gage told Silas that he was going to come and stay the summer . I 'm not sure about that , but we are hoping to maybe take a big trip to see them and plans are hopefully in the making . Emily left us a great message on the answering machine this morning singing us a new song , " Oh , Canada ! " Not sure why she picked that one , but we 'll have it memorized before the week is out ! HA HA ! We have explicit orders from Emma to NOT ERASE EMILY ' S MESSAGES ! You 'll have to think up another song Emily , and SOON ! HA HA ! Grandma Pipi , you 're going to have Posted by We should be safe sending Emma to school tomorrow . Scott took her to the walk - in clinic this evening to make sure she didn 't have pink eye . He didn 't think it was , especially since she hasn 't had any drainage , but gave us some eye drops just in case she started having some . Not too much happening here . I had my orthodontist appointment today and he mentioned that he didn 't think I would be having surgery til the end of summer , early fall . It seems to keep getting moved back each time I go in . I 'm okay with that though , as I 'm sure it will be easier to recover from the surgery when both kids are in school all day ! The only exciting thing I can think of that happened today was hearing about the GREAT DEAL my friend Kara got on her new Cricut Expressions machine ! ! Way to go Kara ! ! ! ! ! Today was out last day of spring break . We had a pretty good day . Gage and I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows . It didn 't end the way I was predicting ! I intentionally stayed away from all of the media stuff when the new book came out because I didn 't want to know what happened . I did hear a few things , but what I heard wasn 't correct ! Gage and I certainly enjoyed it and the rest of the books ! I 'll be anxious to start reading them again when Emma is interested . It took Gage and I 1 1 / 2 years to get all 7 books read , and I 'm sure most of you know , these are NOT small books . And to read it all out loud , whew ! I recommend these books to all of you who have not yet read them ! I 'm not sure what we 're going to start reading next , but we have a lot of new books to dig into . We have the Chronicles of Narnia series and I 've been told those are good as well . Any of you have any suggestions on good books to read ? Gage had a dentist appointment today . He did not have any cavities , so that was a relief . They put sealants on 4 of his molars and the dentist has referred us to the orthodontist . He has a bad crossbite that needs attention . When the hygienist was cleaning Gage 's teeth she asked him if his teeth ever hurt , and he said just in the mornings . I have heard him grind his teeth a little in the night at times , but I think there 's more clenching going on than anything . The dentist said that could certainly be a cause of some of his headaches . As we were standing at the front reception desk , they were getting ready to call Dr . Warford to refer us there . I asked them if I could just make the appointment myself , as I will be there tomorrow anyway . We will probably have an account with them for the next few years with Gage and then more with Emma . I guess it 's good I 've gotten to know them quite well over the past year ! ! Emma was feeling a bit better today , but still felt a bit warm to me . She has a bloodshot eye , and I 'm hoping it 's not pink eye . I may end up taking her in to see the doctor tomorrow , becausePosted by Emma and Gage 's Easter baskets Gage 's Easter loot Emma 's Easter loot Gage finds his Easter basket ! Emma finds her Easter basket ! Gage and Emma - Easter 2008 Our Family - Easter Sunday Emma finds an Easter egg ! Gage finds an Easter egg ! The Easter bunny left Gage the Tiger Snake Webkinz ! The Easter bunny left Emma the Poodle Webkinz ! The kids woke up very excited to find their Easter baskets this morning . I think there was a little bit of a let down , but Gage tried hiding it as well as he could . He noticed right off this morning that the eggs were still in the refrigerator . I guess we 're going to have to get up earlier in the future , as they are getting smarter and will soon figure it all out if we aren 't careful . The bunny came while we were at church . Scott left just after communion to take care of business . The kids kept asking where he was , and after so long , the response , " He must be in the bathroom ? " , didn 't work . I then had to tell Gage I wondered if maybe he went home to get his fish bank that he was to put in the offering today for the One - hour of sharing offering . That worked , until he came back to church without it . I then had to tell him that I 'll bet he went home to get it , but then forgot what he went home to get ? HA HA ! That is something I would do , not Scott ! Anyway , they were very excited when we pulled into the driveway and there were Easter eggs all over the front yard . The Easter bunny can never hide them in the backyard because there is typically too much dog poop back there this time of year ! Just before we left for church , we discovered Emma wasn 't feeling well . She wasn 't cooperating too well when we were getting ready and didn 't want to smile for any pictures . I then noticed in her eyes that she looked like she wasn 't feeling well , and when I asked her , she said she wasn 't . We went ahead to church anyway and it wasn 't long you could see very plainly that she felt horrible . She curled up in Scott 's lap for most of the service , and then I took over when Scott had to leave . She was definitelyPosted by Today were going to go attend Dakota Hills Baptist Church 's egg drop . We didn 't make it . I didn 't realize today was Saturday ( I have that problem when the kids are out of school ) , and Scott thought it was at 2 p . m . As I walked through the kitchen , and past the calendar , where I had the flyer hanging , I saw it and gasped and said " What day is today ? " Scott says , " WHAT ? " I pointed at the flyer . He said , " It 's at 2 . " Then I pointed at the time , which was 10 a . m . Darn it ! The kids were very excited about going to it and we had every intention to go . Unfortunately we messed up and missed it . I talked to Emily today and she said that Ryan , the new pastor , said there were about 80 kids there , plus parents . So , the odds of us winning any of the big prizes weren 't that great . Maybe next year ? We dyed Easter eggs today to get ready for the big hunt tomorrow . It was a messy project , but we managed to keep from ruining anything ( I think ) . Gage had a Star Wars egg coloring kit and Emma had a glitter egg coloring kit . Besides the kits I bought , Grandpa and Grandma Stephens brought a blow pen coloring kit . That was the messiest thing I 've ever seen ! ( Please don 't buy those again , even if they are a quarter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there 's a reason they are that cheap ! ) Emma brushing some glitter onto her beautiful egg ! Gage and Emma dyeing Easter eggs . Gage showing off his Yoda egg and Darth Vader egg . May the Force of Easter be with you ! Emma thoroughly enjoyed our " project " for the day . " Look Ma ! " Emma 's beautiful dozen Gage and his Star Wars Easter eggs ! I must admit , the Star Wars egg kit was pretty cool . The kit contained plastic sleeves that you put around the egg , then put it into hot water and it shrinks around the egg . Initially Scott had gotten a bowl of water and I was watching Gage try to get this wrap on his egg . I thought to myself , " Yeah , I figured it wasn 't going to work ! " Then , I heated up the water in the microwave and then put the egg with the sleeve on it into the water and I was amazed at how quickly it shrunk dowPosted by Today the kids had no school and Scott did not have work . We slept in a little this morning before Gage and Emma had some friends over for a playdate . They were here a couple of hours and I believe they had a good time . After lunch we took the kids to see Horton Hears a Who . It was a cute movie . Especially if you know the book as well as we do . It was one of Gage 's favorites that we would check out at the library when we were attending story time with Mother Goose . ( At one point , I couldn 't read a book without trying to make it rhyme , as Gage was heavily into Dr . Seuss ! ) It was funny to hear Emma giggling during different parts of the movie . There was an older gentleman behind us that was doing alot of giggling as well . : - ) . We called this one of our " Family Fun " activities that we had drawn from the box and didn 't do because there weren 't any movies in the theater that we wanted to see at the time we drew it out . And , since it was Friday , Emma insisted on drawing another activity from the family fun box . She drew out " Go shopping and everyone gets an item ! " Gage bought part 2 of Pirates of the Caribbean with most of his own money , Emma bought a big ball to annoy me with , I bought a Caramel Frappucino at Starbucks : - ) and I don 't know that Scott bought anything ? I 'm sure it 's coming ! HA HA ! We 've heard from Jody a few times . Last we heard he was 300 miles from his destination in S . Carolina . He said he would get there around midnight tonight . We 're hoping he makes it there safely . Silas is doing well and is completely entertained with DVD 's , Leapster games , etc . Emily made it safe and sound . We already miss them terribly . Gage has talked a lot about them already and wonders if we can visit them . We will be visiting them and hopefully soon . Yesterday I tore into the guest room and since I had all of my scrapbooking stuff taken down so the room could be occupied , I was able to get to the filing cabinet once again and did some major paper shredding . I believe I have completely cleaned out the filing cabinet and am goinPosted by Well , the day I have not been looking forward to for about a month has arrived . The Jennings family is on their trek to South Carolina . They finished packing and loading the moving truck yesterday and closed on their house while I had the pleasure of watching Hattie and Luke . I told Emily I would pick Emma and Silas up at school , so not to worry about that . I loaded up the 2 little ones and headed to the YMCA . One of the mothers of a classmate of Emma walked in at the same time as me and was telling me what a great friend I was to take care of the kids for the day . I enjoyed being able to help . However , when we got inside , all of the other mothers were asking me about what was going on with them and that they were going to miss them , etc , etc . When the kids came out of the classroom all of the mothers were telling the kids that they better tell Silas good - bye and give him a hug because they would never see him again . I totally started crying . I didn 't even think about that happening when I told Emily I would pick them up . Had I thought of it , I might have sent her instead ! I told the teacher , when she picked Luke up to give him a kiss " This wasn 't supposed to happen ! " I was a mess . Oh well , just a way to get me primed up and ready for today . Emily and Jody finished up with all of their stuff and were at our house around 4 : 30 and they stayed the night with us . Survivor was even on ( it is always on Thursdays , not Wednesdays ) which is a favorite of Jody and Emily and also of mine . Jody wants to be on Survivor , and I hope to see him on there one day . I think they would totally pick him , being a young pastor with no hair ! HA HA ! Emma wanted Silas to sleep in her room on the floor with her . Hattie slept on the floor in Gage 's room with him . Emma WOULD NOT go to sleep . Silas had fallen asleep at one point , then Emma woke him up . We finally put Silas up in the extra bedroom until Emma fell asleep , then Jody put him back in Emma 's bed . He was totally relieved to get out of her room to a place where it was QUIET ! That was Posted by I don 't know if any of you have seen the Bee Movie or not . Back when it was out in the theaters , Scott , Gage , Emma and I went to see it . We all really enjoyed it . Gage and Emma now own this movie . ( A little prematurely actually , as I had bought it for their Easter basket and unfortunately I was one - upped by Grandma S . ) Anyway , Gage wanted to watch it when he came home sick from school yesterday . He did watch some of it , and he had watched bits and pieces of it on Sunday as well . Last night , about 1 a . m . , Gage came up to our room crying . He said his head hurt . He got into our bed and I had Scott go get him some Motrin as that seemed to help previously . He took the Motrin and stayed in our bed . He was very upset and I asked him what was wrong . He said he had had a bad dream . Gage has a very vivid dreamland . His dreams seem very real to him and can really scare him at night . Actually he 's been having some dreams lately where he is going to the bathroom , and he wakes up and has peed the bed . ( I remember doing this when I was younger , actually I 've also done it as an adult . I remember I was sleeping on the couch and I was probably 6 or 7 years old , and I dreamed I was peeing , and woke up and was actually doing it ! I was too embarrassed to tell Mom , so instead , I just flipped the couch cushion over so no one would know ! NICE ! I would kill my kids if they did that ! I 'm sure Mom wondered why the couch smelled like pee ! It was me Mom ! ) Anyway , Gage dreamed last night that we were all bees . We were in a hive and Gage was at the bottom of the hive and was working away really hard trying to clean the floor of sticky honey . Then , another bee came into the hive and stung him . Apparently it was a traumatic sting , which caused him to wake up very upset , crying and coming into our bedroom with a headache . I asked him if the headache was from the stress of the dream , and he said it was . Poor little guy ! He must have been working extremely hard down there on the bottom of the hive when he got stung ! HAHA ! He has some good dreams , lPosted by Happy St . Patty 's day to all of you ! Thanks to Grandma the kids didn 't get pinched at school . I would have forgotten to dress them in green . After I dropped the kids off at school today I had a few errands to run . I got home around 10 : 30 and had a message on my answering machine from Gage 's teacher , Mrs . Vetter . ( The one day I forget to take my TracPhone with me ! ) She said that Gage wasn 't feeling well . I called her back and she said he said his head hurt and stomach felt queasy . She sent him to the nurse 's office and his temp was normal . I told her I would be there in a few minutes to pick him up . I took some Motrin with me to see if he wanted to take that and try to stick it out , but he already had his coat on and his backpack packed and ready to go home . On our way out the door Mrs . Vetter said that Gage said he hoped he would get to watch the Bee Movie . Uh huh , that 's just what I thought . I told him that Grandpa and Grandma weren 't at home , that they went with Dad to Tuttle . He wanted to know if Emma was home , and I told him no , she was at school . He wanted to come home . Mrs . Vetter said she did know he wasn 't feeling well because when they were doing their in class assignments they get free period afterwards , and typically he hurries through his papers to get to play ( what kid wouldn 't ? ) and today he did not do that . And he had been laying his head down on his desk . She told Gage that if he got to feeling better , he could always come back . We got home and he immediately put in the Bee Movie and sat down on the couch . I gave him some Motrin then had to pick Emma up from school . Scott and his parents got back home just about the same time . I also picked Silas up to take him home , so we were gone a little while and when we got back , Gage was sitting up playing a video game . He was doing a little hollering and sounded to me as if he was ready to go back to school . I told him that when I was growing up , and if I stayed home from school we couldn 't go anywhere or do anything outside of the house . It was not good to Posted by We have been planning for several weeks now to attend church today at Jody and Emily 's church , Dakota Hills Baptist Church . This was our last chance at getting to hear a sermon of his . Jody guaranteed me that this would be a church service like no other I 've been to before . He was right . First of all , I 've never seen the lead pastor also be the lead singer during the service . ( Which by the way , he was VERY good at ! ) . Second of all , I 've never been to a church service in which the pastor gave a sermon about bad sex . ( Which by the way , was also very good ! ) Thirdly , I 've never been to a church service in which party horns were given out to each member of the congregation to blow during the service . ( Gage and Emma liked the fact that we had 2 horns for them to blow on the way home ) . We enjoyed our adventure and , I think we 're probably at the right place , with a bunch of other reserved Presbyterians ! Ha ha ! Thanks Jody and Emily for the invitation . We enjoyed it and are sad that we won 't be able to have another experience like the one we had today . Their church will be sponsoring an egg drop next Saturday afternoon in celebration of Easter Sunday . Unfortunately I made the mistake of noticing a small typographical error on the flyer , because we could have been the only people attending since the wrong date would have brought most people out a month from now and could have been the lucky winners of an X - box 360 , Nintendo DS and an iPod nano ! Darn ! Oh well , we 'll have a chance to win the items just like everyone else in Bismarck ! The kids are excited to go . They will be dropping 2000 eggs from a crane suspended in the air , and the lucky eggs will contain all sorts of prizes , included the 3 I mentioned above ! I hope you all had a wonderful Palm Sunday . The kids were also excited to bring home a couple of palm leaf branches to celebrate the day . I was feeling a bit guilty after receiving a notice in the mail from our church about needing kids to participate in the procession of palm leaf branches during the church service . Posted by Gage 's hockey team got 2nd place in the tournament . They did a great job this season . In the beginning they were barely a match to place against . They certainly improved throughout the season . I am very glad the hockey season is over . A lot of the Mom 's talked of being sad that hockey was over . Not this Mom ! I 've never been more happy ! : - ) We 've had quite a busy day with dance , hockey and Grandpa and Grandma Stephens arriving for a visit over the weekend . The kids are thrilled . The weather has cooled off just a bit , but it is drying up outside and that is a good thing . Brie can track more dirt in than any dog I know . That might be because she wants outside every 10 minutes . I think she wants to stay outside all day , but she thinks she might be able to fool me when she comes in each time to think it 's time to fill her food dish , which doesn 't happen until 5 pm when Scott gets home from work . So , she barks to get let in , then as soon as she realized I 'm not falling for her little trick , she wants right back inside . This continues ALL DAY long ! UGH ! This morning I was on a mission . I was desperately needing cat food , as my cats thought they were going to starve to death this morning ! Grus was really making me feel guilty as he howled and howled about his empty food dish ! He was very happy , and already on top of the refrigerator waiting , when I filled his dish ! Not many stores are open in the morning after I drop the kids off at school . Kohls actually opens at 8 am , so that was my first stop . I was looking for an Easter dress for Emma . They had nothing there that I cared much about . I did , however , find a few things on the sale rack . : - ) Next stop , Petsmart , for cat food . They open at 9 am . I then went to Sears , who opens at 9 : 30 . They did not have any dresses that struck my fancy either . They did have a few boy shirts on the sale rack , however . ( Scott probably won 't be too impressed when he looks in the checkbook ! ) After Sears , I headed to JCPenneys . The stores in the mall open at 10 am , so I timed it all perfectly . JCPenneys had several cute dresses , so now my dilemma was which one should I pick ? It always happens to me . When I am on a mission looking for something specific I can never find it , at least not easily . It doesn 't matter where I go first , they never have what I 'm looking for , and typically the last place I go doesn 't have much either , but I was finally happy with what I found for Emma there , and I got Gage a shirt there as well . Not matching , but as close as you can get , colorwise . I then was headed to Limited Too . Emily 's mother - in - law is here visiting before they move , and brought a coupon with her . Limited Too is having a Webkinz sale with select ones . Buy one , get one free ! That is a good deal , and I should have stocked up on some birthday presents for future parties the kids will be asked to , however , since I had already spent some money , I had to refrain . I did buy one , and got one free . I was searching for the new tiger snake Webkinz that appears on the website now . Gage wants it badly . Limited Too did not have it , but they put my name onPosted by Today was Emma 's appointment with the ENT doctor and audiologist . The audiologist reports that she can hear just fine . Her tympanogram looked good . He said the antibiotics that she was on could have cleared up that fluid in her ears . We then visited with the ENT doctor . Emma liked him . He came in joking around with her and he actually had her warmed up and talking to him before he left the room ! I don 't think she said 2 words to the audiologist ? He said , " Is she always this quiet ? " I told him I only could wish she would be that quiet at home ! Anyway , the ENT guy put his headlamp on and told Emma to open wide and say ahhhh . She opened her mouth as big as she could and he only had a glimpse of them and took his head gear back off . He looked in her ears and said she had a big chunk of wax in one of her ears , but he would just take that out when she was alseep . ( His personality hasn 't changed much , huh Juanita ? ) He basically was telling me that we are going to take out her tonsils and adenoids . I know they need to come out , so I was fine with that . She snores very loud at night ( almost as bad as Grandpa Alan ! ) and could start having obstructive sleep apnea . She also has a lot of the other signs , such as very thirsty in the night , and very restless sleeping . Emma was really listening and trying to understand everything . They sent us to another room with a gal to set up the surgery and she was telling Emma she could have popsicles every morning for breakfast for a WHOLE WEEK ! Emma said , " I don 't want popsicles for breakfast . " WHATEVER ! When we do have popsicles , she 's begging for them at breakfast time , and it doesn 't end until they are gone . She had just figured out what we were talking about and she decided she wanted nothing to do with popsicles if that means getting her tonsils out ! The gal was trying to explain things to her . I said , " That 's probably not a good idea , the less she knows the better . " She was telling me that kids do so much better when they are informed and know what 's going on . I told her , " I 'm surePosted by Tonight Gage had game 2 of his end - of - the - season hockey tournament . Sunday was game 1 , and Gage 's team won . I didn 't realize it was a tournament game on Sunday and I missed it as Emma and I were at Silas and Hattie 's birthday party . Tonight Gage 's team played the red team . Scott is out of town until Friday , so he asked me to text message him each time there was a goal made . I 'm not sure how many minutes I burned doing that , but it was several . I could hardly watch the game because of it . However , I was able to watch close enough to actually get excited ! This is the first time ( actually the first time was Sunday , tonight was the second ) they actually kept score , had a goalie and played full ice , rather than across the ice . It was exciting ! Well , it was actually quite nerve - racking when Gage was positioned as the goalie ! YIKES ! He gave up 2 goals and I felt horrible for him . I 'm not even sure if he felt bad , but I certainly did for him ! You never want your kid to be a goalie , that was confirmed to me tonight ! I had texted Scott that Gage gave up 2 goals and he replied , " YIKES ! Get a new goalie ! " They switched fairly frequently , which was good as we wouldn 't have wanted him to give up anymore goals . A little later the game was at 7 to 7 I believe , and Gage was back in as goalie . I was a mess . Here comes the red team , coming full force at the net . I 'm panicked , and was hollering , keep your eye on the puck Gage ! Get ready Gage ! Go Gage ! They shot it fairly hard and he DEFLECTED the puck ! It was awesome ! I was up hollering for him . I was so proud . ( Just so you know , this is the first time I 've really cheered at any of the hockey games ! ) I had to text Scott to tell him that . Then the score is 8 - 8 in the other teams ' favor . The lone girl on our team , who is quite an amazingly good hockey player , gave up a goal in her goalie position . They take a time out , and a new goalie is in place . Another really good player on our team , the coach 's son , scored another goal for us , then another goal for the red team . The score is tiedPosted by Gage had a near - death experience today . He had a splinter . If you didn 't know any better , you would have thought the world was coming to an end . This morning before we left for school , Gage ran his hand across his Harry Potter wand that he made and got a splinter . He commented on it before we left for school and I told him I could get it out and grabbed for the fingernail clippers and tweezers . He said " NO WAY " so I just left it alone not wanting to get him all upset before school . After school on our walk home , I asked him if he got his splinter out , and he said no . Once we got home I talked him into letting me try to get it out . He was almost as bad as Emma was getting her shots a couple months ago , and if you read that post , you would understand my frustration ! I almost had it out and he decided he had had enough . " IT HURTS ! " he says . I tried explaining to him that it was going to hurt until we got it out . Our neighbor kids came over to play and Gage was so preoccupied with this splinter that he couldn 't even settle down enough to play . He started getting very angry and was getting me angry and I finally had to send the neighbors home . They asked if Emma could go too , so she went to play over there . I finally had had enough and made him go to his room . Later , when Scott got home , the same thing happened . FINALLY , after several hours of me trying to remove the splinter , and an hour or so of Scott attempting , he got it out . Gage was soooo happy about that . Then Scott took us all out for ice cream at DQ , so the near - death experience was over . UGH ! It totally irritates me when I can 't rationalize with him and he gets so paranoid and angry . He has a cousin that does the same thing , and I think it 's in their genes ? I 'm glad it 's over ! The weather was pretty nice today and we had Emily and the kids over for lunch . The days are quickly flying by and I 'm not looking forward to their departure next week . I have been in denial and now I 'm going to have to start accepting the fact that they are moving . Gage asked tonight oPosted by Man , I have been slacking in the blogging world ! I have no excuses , except that I was being lazy ! Today was such a beautiful day outside ! After Gage got home from school we spent the rest of the afternoon outside . Gage and Emma were trying to have toothpick races along the curb as the water runs down the side of the street from the melting snow , but their toothpicks kept getting hung up under the little glaciers . I tried breaking them all up to clear the way , but the ice was too think in many places . Emma made an attempt at riding her new bike from Santa Claus today , without training wheels . She 's terrified if I let go , and I couldn 't let go for more than a nanosecond because I didn 't want her wrecking and coming up a muddy mess . We did have a scary thing happen this evening before supper . Gage and I were outside and I was fiddling with something in the garage while he was trying to get his bicycle out of the side garage door . He wasn 't able to get it through the obstacle course of sleds , shovels , etc . , so he decided to open the garage door . I 'm not sure what he did but the garage door only opened up a little ways , maybe like 2 feet , and stopped . I told him that we needed to keep the garage door down , because I didn 't want our trusted , loyal , canine companion to make a break for it AGAIN ! Emma had come out the front door and said , " Hey , why is the garage door open only a little ? " I told her because Gage was trying to get his bicycle out and it didn 't open all of the way . I went over to push the button to close it and as I walked away from the button I saw Emma under the door and the door was closing on her as she was trying to crawl under to get into the garage . I 've seen and read stories about kids getting killed by being crushed by garage doors and I panicked . I ran over to her and hollered out her name and the door then went up . THANK GOD for the little garage door sensors at the base of the garage door . That is a safety feature EVERYONE should have . So , all of you out there reading this , if you don 't have one , Posted by I seem to have a bad case of CRS . This morning I dropped Gage off at school , then dropped Emma off at the Y . I drove up Washington street , then got onto Century and was driving east on my way to Emily 's house to help her do some packing . My TracPhone rang and nearly scared me to death . It was Gage . He was calling from school . He said , " Mom , you forgot my show - and - tell today . " UGH ! I asked him if he thought he could go without show - and - tell today . He said he really wanted to show his Harry Potter wand that he made at a Harry Potter party last summer . Thankfully I hadn 't passed 4th Street , and turned there to head back home to get his wand . I took it to school and dropped it off . Then , I headed back for Emily 's . I got on the interstate and exited off at the Oasis to go to her house . At that point it just dawned on me that Emma had show - and - tell today too ! I called Emily to see if she had remembered Silas ' . I was thinking that if she hadn 't remembered , then I could continue on to get something for him , then head back home to get Emma 's . She remembered . So , I got right back on the interstate and drove home to get something at the house for Emma 's show - and - tell . I was sure to tell her teachers to let her know I brought something ( she was at gym class when I got to her classroom ) so all of that effort wasn 't worthless . So , I headed back to Emily 's praying there wasn 't something else I had forgotten . Yesterday I forgot Gage 's library books and had to make a second trip to the school so he could check out new books during his library time . And , twice in the past couple of weeks , I had forgotten to put his shoes in his backpack so he could remove his snow boots at school , and have made extra trips for that as well . I feel like I am losing my mind . I hope this isn 't early onset Alzheimer 's ! My Mom talks a lot about forgetting things , and I 'm thinking this must be hereditary ? LOL ! It certainly can 't be my fault ? HA HA ! Actually , I 'm going to blame the kids on this , because if they would just do what I say when I say it , we Posted by You would think , coming to our house , that the sky must be falling ! This morning Emma logged onto Webkinz to play . I left her in the basement to play a little while and I did a few things upstairs . She comes running up the stairs hollering hysterically for me . I 'm like , " WHAT HAPPENED EMMA ? " She was crying and could hardly get out what was wrong . Well , apparently the Sherbert Bunny Webkinz is retired . Yes , you heard it correctly , the Sherbert Bunny is retired . She cried for at least a half an hour , and it wasn 't a fake little cry . I told her that I 'm sure they would come out with another bunny , since Easter is right around the corner . " No they won 't Mom ! They have new ones listed and NONE of them are BUNNIES ! " She wanted to go to the store right then and there . I knew better . We do need to go to the store , however , as she was invited , yet again , to another birthday party . Actually , she and Gage have a party to go to Friday after school , Emma has one Saturday afternoon , and they both have Silas and Hattie 's party to go to on Sunday . I think the word got out that we buy Webkinz for birthday gifts ? ? I 'm going to have to start giving rocks , because we can 't afford to keep being invited to parties . Gage told me the other day he told a girl in his class that he would get her a Webkinz for her birthday if she invited him to her party . UGH ! Gage , we don 't ask to be invited ! ! ! ! ! I 'm hoping we don 't get an invitation . I don 't even know who the little girl is ? After I went to get Gage from school the first thing Emma had to tell Gage when we came in the door was about the newly retired bunny . He scrunched his face all up and was like , " Mom , is that really true ? " When I said it was , I thought he was going to break down just like Emma did ! Seriously , you would think the sky was falling around here ! Oh , by the way , I took some of my prescription muscle relaxer and anti - inflammatory medicine ( migraine rescue medicine ) before going to bed , and I was so excited that I woke up headache free this morning ! Whew ! Those headaches I getPosted by I 'm working on day 2 of a headache . It 's not debilitating at this point , but it could be heading in that direction . I 'm praying my second dose of Excedrin Migraine for the day will take care of it and I 'll wake up pain free in the morning . I 'm heading to bed , but had to blog first . I feel awfully guilty if I don 't get that done every day ! Gage seemed to feel well enough this morning to go back to school today . Initially he said he was a bit dizzy when he got up , but I told him I thought that might be because he hadn 't eaten much of anything in awhile . He had oatmeal for breakfast and said he felt better . I told him to be sure and call me if he needed to come home . He made it through the entire day , but said his stomach was doing " flip - flops " most of the day . I have had a headache most of the day today . After lunch I decided it would feel good to lay down awhile , so I asked Emma to watch a movie with me . She picked out The Wizard of Oz . She got this DVD for her birthday and she really enjoys it , all except for the " green witch " . Emma talked and talked during most of the movie . At one point , I apparently started to doze off and Emma got up off the couch ( which must have woke me up ) to see if I was awake . I had just opened my eyes and she said , " Oh , I thought you were sleeping because I thought I heard you snoring . " HA ! I probably was , but thankfully I opened my eyes just in time to satisfy her , then I drifted off again . I had to make sure to stay awake after awhile so I wouldn 't sleep through going to get Gage from school . It was a bit of a nasty walk as it was blowing wet snow in my face . It certainly woke me up , however . Gage reported that he got an A + on his spelling and dictation test on Friday , which is a grade that first graders don 't get ! YEAH ! Today was our " day off " . Gage was not feeling well this morning and told me his tummy hurt , and asked me to take his temperature . Of course my thermometer wouldn 't work , so the trusted ol lips to the forehead told me he was just slightly warm . He pretty much stayed on the couch all day . I gave him some Motrin before noon and he did feel a little better for awhile , but then was back on the couch . We had his Cub Scout den meeting here tonight at our house , and he participated in a few of the activities and hung out on the couch a little in between . He went to sleep right away after I finished reading that last little bit of the 3 chapters of Harry Potter that we read today . Emma went to Jadyn 's house for a playdate , so that was good for Gage , to be able to rest undisturbed most of the day . Thanks Kara ! ! Hopefully he 'll be feeling well enough to go to school in the morning . He hasn 't missed a day of school yet this year , and I was hoping for a perfect attendance , but if he isn 't feeling well , then he will stay home . Later on I decided that my stomach wasn 't feeling the best either , so just Scott and Emma ate supper tonight . Hopefully it will pass . We spent most of this afternoon spring cleaning . Scott probably did a little more than I did as I ran Gage and Emma to a play date and stayed and chatted awhile . We have a lot more to do , but just the stuff we did get done felt good . No school tomorrow . Staff development day . Whatever ! ! ! ! The weather was cold and very windy today . Not sure what tomorrow will be like for our day off , but hopefully it won 't be so windy ! I 'm not sure what state the weather forecasters were calling for warm weather and no wind for , but it certainly wasn 't North Dakota ! Gage had a Winter Fun Day scheduled today for Cub Scouts . It was all of the Cub Scouts packs in Bismarck , I believe ? Anyway , we went dressed for nice weather with jackets only . I ended up having to leave to go get all of our winter gear ! It was COLD and WINDY out there ! I went home and got everyone 's winter coats , hats , gloves and I also picked up Gage and Emma 's boots and snowpants . I 'm sure they were much appreciated , even though they didn 't say it . Our group 's first activity was Dodgeball . I wasn 't sure if Gage had ever played dodgeball , but after watching them , I do believe they have played , but just haven 't mastered it yet . Dodgeball was my FAVORITE game to play in gym class . I was always one of the last ones left and I 'm sure the boys hated me ! It was fun to see Gage play . However , I must say I was VERY disappointed in his sportsmanship ! He was very ticked off when he got thrown out and was yelling at Scott and I to stop telling him he was out ! I was helping out the station leaders by standing along the sidelines keeping everyone honest and making them come out when they were out , whether they were on my team or not . I also helped them to get back in the game when it was their turn when someone would catch a ball on our team . Gage just couldn 't be happy if he was OUT , and he let Scott and I know it ! That is something we are going to have to work on . If there 's one thing I don 't like , it 's a sore loser . Now don 't get me wrong , I like to win and hate to lose , but I 'm a pretty good sport about it regardless . Emma got to play too , and it was funny watching her . She was clueless as to what they were doing and she just stuck around Gage and did what he did . At the next station they had balloons tied to a string which was then tied to their ankles and they were to run around trying to stomp on the other kids ' balloons and pop them . Emma did understand this game and it was funny watchPosted by |
I can not believe it 's four days until Christmas . I am getting excited , though , because we have been able to get the kids ( mostly ) what they asked for . Sometimes angels come out of nowhere and provide you with what you need , and today we experienced just that . I wrote this on my other blog , about how Junior found a visa gift card in his locker for our kids from " santa " . With that I was able to get Kasi the backpack purse she wanted ( which cost almost $ 30 . . . which we didn 't have ) and I also bought Ryan a new psp game . Not a used one , a new one . Tomorrow I plan on getting Brandi the Wizards movie she wants ( which is $ 20 ) , and then they all have at least something specific that they asked for . They have other things , too , so it 's going to be a great Christmas . Junior and I have always tried to give to others , even though we don 't have much ourselves . There have been times when Junior has fixed a strangers car for nothing , or helped a friend when they really needed it . We are always feeding friends who need it , and I am more than willing to provide free childcare for my friends when they need it . I am a big believer in " you get what you give " . Getting that visa card today has made me look forward to being able to do something nice for someone else . It may not be tomorrow , or next week , but once we are back on our feet after the move , I am making it my mission to " pay it forward " . I feel so blessed , and I want someone else to know this feeling , too . We are going to my sisters for Christmas , and I am looking forward to spending time with Carson and Lylah . Carson is at that age where everything about Christmas is exciting , and new , and I am looking forward to watching him open his gifts . We are going to my dads on Christmas Eve , and they will be there , too . I love that I get to spend so much time with my sister and her kids . . . I wish I saw my other sisters as often , too , but they live so far away . I know I am lucky that my family is so close . So many people dreading the holidays , and having to spend time with their familiesscribbled by We finally made it back to therapy yesterday . Things went well . . . they dug a little deeper , and brought up some things Junior doesn 't like to talk about , and call it progress . I guess in a way it is , but I hate seeing him so upset . I say they because we have a new therapist , again . When we were turned over to Cindy way back when , she said she would only be with us until December . Yesterday she brought in a new student , Elizabeth , who will be taking us over . I like her . . . Junior isn 't too sure yet . She 's young , and seems to have a different approach to things , and I think that is what is helping Junior the most . Every new therapist has a different way of bringing things out of him , and if yesterday was any indication of what the next six months will hold , I think we are finally heading towards " revelation " . It 's weird , but every therapist praises us on our relationship , which to me is just normal . It 's just us . It 's nothing out of the ordinary . It 's just us supporting each other , no matter what . I guess in this day and age that is a rare thing to find . And that is pretty sad . Therapy Wednesday . . . the first time in six weeks . The funny thing is , nothing has happened that is worth talking about . And that is a really good thing . The only bad thing is that Junior sees this as a reason to quit going . I think that 's a bad idea . I know nothing has happened lately , but he still hasn 't gotten to the bottom of all his issues , and I think he needs to before he stops . Besides , I am sure it is only a matter of time before his dad shows back up at his work . Just today Ryan was outside with him , and they saw his dad drive by our house really slow , checking things out . He thinks he 's slick because he bought a new vehicle . What he forgets is that my kids bus goes by his house every day , and they are not stupid kids . They told Junior the day the new van showed up . I really don 't care , but this bothers Junior that he is driving by again . I personally think the man needs to get a life . He should be focusing on the two kids who still speak to him , and leave us the hell alone . Just my opinion . Anyway , I can not believe Christmas is only three weeks away . Talk about stress ! Junior gets paid next week , and we have to shop for all the kids out of that . I am hoping to put off a few bills , but there are some that need to be paid . I have accepted the fact that the kids will be disappointed , but I know my mom is getting them the big things they asked for , so I know they will be happy about that . Somehow Brandi talked her into getting her a hamster , which we all know will become my responsibility . It 's a good thing I have experience in this area . My mom is moving this weekend , which should be fun . It looks like it will be my brother , Ryan and I doing all the work . Colleen can 't help because she had surgery recently , and isn 't fully healed . Junior has a transmission he already agreed to fix for a coworkers daughter , and Mike has to work . But , I am sure we will get it all done , and mom can start settling in to her new place . Did I mention it has an in ground pool ? I will be over there all the time this summer . I love swimscribbled by What a great week last week was ! I was so busy , and it was so worth it . I got to hang out with family and great friends , and for the most part , I enjoyed every second of it . I say for the most part , because of course there were moments when I wished the kids were in school and I could find a moment for myself . In an apartment this small , no one has any privacy . Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating . Some days , the only quiet I find is taking a shower . I can not wait until we move . We got all the Christmas decorations put up and the tree is assembled . It has lights on it , but no ornaments . The girls are going to do that when they get home from school . Ryan has no interest , which I kind of expected . Junior was going to " make " him participate , but I talked him out of it . He 's a 14 year old boy , and this behavior is to be expected , right ? I know in a few years he will start wanting to do things as a family again , and I can wait . I don 't want to pressure him to do something just to say he did it , you know what I mean ? I found out over the weekend that I am going to be an aunt to another niece , which is awesome . I found out by reading an update on facebook , which kind of hurt my feelings , but whatever . Some things are not worth getting upset about , and as long as the baby is healthy , ( which she is ) that is all that matters . Now I get to make three little girls name signs , which I am excited to do ! I love making girl things . I finally figured out what all my nieces and nephews are getting for Christmas this year , and it cost me a total of about $ 8 for all 12 . Amazing , right ? Thanksgiving night I was sitting , figuring up what bills I could pay with Juniors check Friday , and it dawned on me that he will only get one more paycheck before Christmas . Talk about your heart stopping ! I am no where near finished shopping for my kids , and the thought of spending money on anyone else is out of the question . Luckily , inspiration struck when I found something on sale Black friday at Michael 's . It 's not much , but I believe in the " itscribbled by I don 't know why I forget to write over here . Life has been busy lately . I have a feeling it 's just going to get busier with the upcoming holidays . Over the weekend , Brandi put up the Christmas decorations around the house . She did a pretty good job , too . We still have to put up the tree , and for the first time in a really long time , I am not looking forward to it . I think it 's because I hate where we live , and it 's hard to be festive when the paint is peeling off the ceilings and you are constantly removing slugs from the kitchen floor . But , this weekend , we will put it up , and it will be beautiful . Brandi 's birthday is next Friday , Kasi has several chorus concerts coming up , we still haven 't really Christmas shopped for the kids , I have baking to do for tomorrow and Thursday . . . I am just completely overwhelmed , but in a good way . The busier I am , the faster the next three months will go , and the faster we will get out of this hell hole . Deep breath . I have been doing good . I got to see New Moon last Friday with Missy , and we had a blast . the movie was awesome , and I spent the day with no kids , which NEVER happens . It was wonderful . I am still holding steady at 35 pounds lost , and am hoping to make it through the holidays without weight gain . I really want to lose some more weight , and know that I will have to work for it . Losing what I have because of stress was not healthy , and I want to do this the right way . I am still feeling good about myself , which is new for me . Junior and I missed last therapy session , and will have to cancel this Wednesday , too . Kasi has to go back to the dermatologist to get her stitches out , and hopefully the toxicology report will be back so we can find out what she has growing back there . The ointment that I have been rubbing in twice a day seems to be helping , but she still has a ways to go before it is all gone . I miss talking to Cindy , and we were supposed to have that new therapist sit in , too . Hopefully we can schedule something for next week instead of having to wait for another scribbled by I love being at home . I love days when I do not have to get out of my " comfy " clothes . It seems like the past couple of weeks , I have been " going " more than I have been " staying " . It started when my sister had the baby the day before Halloween , and it hasn 't stopped yet . Friday was Ryan 's birthday , so we went out to dinner . ( for the kids birthdays , they get to pick the restaurant ) We invited Missy and her gang to join us , and as usual , we had a blast ! I didn 't even realize we were in the restaurant for over 2 hours ! Of course , it was Golden Corral , so between laughs and babies , we were all shoving our faces . It was sooo good , and of course I left with a tummy ache . In fact , i think we all did ! lol ! Juior 's ex - mother - in - law also met us there , and I think she had a good time , too . Then yesterday , it was up early to get ready for my niece 's 3rd birthday party . They live about an hour away , and of course I wanted to go see Lylah first . The party was fun for Brandi . . . it was a princess party , and all the little girls dressed in princess dresses . They all looked adorable ! We didn 't stay long after . . . my mom has a hard time driving that far in the dark . . . and headed for a little more time with Collen , Carson , and Lylah . After a yummy dinner of Chinese food , we all hung out for a little while , and then I came home and took some cold / allergy medicine and crashed in bed by 9 : 30 . As soon as I got up this morning , we went fishing for a bit . . . no bits so we came back home and just chilled . I had a little ache in my back yesterday that turned into severe pain today every time I move , so I have been keeping the heating pad on it . My mom says to ice it , but it 's hard to get the ice exactly where I need it . The next three days are going to be a little busy , too . Tomorrow we have to pick Kasi up from school for a doctor 's appointment . I love my doctors . . . we have been using them for about 10 years now . But , the latest appointment of the day is 4pm , and Kasi gets off the bus later than that every day , so we have to go pick her up early so scribbled by I am sick . I have a nasty cold complete with congestion and runny eyes . I have never had the eye problems before , and it is really annoying . I have spent most of the day drying the tears that continuously run down my face . Not fun . We went yesterday and straightened things out with our landlords , so for now we are just waiting for everything else to bounce , and then have the stores get into contact with us . The good thing is that there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel . It may take us a few months to get there , but at least we can see it . That makes a big difference in my stress level . I swear . Some days I don 't know why I get out of bed . Things start off bad , and they just continue to get worse . Let 's start with my son . When this first happened , I promised not to tell anyone , so that meant no blogging about it . But now he doesn 't care , so I have permission to vent a little . Last Wednesday , I got a phone call from his school . It was one of the assistant principals . He said that the day before , Ryan and two other kids were in the hall , and they were playing with a rubber bracelet that Ryan had brought to school . One of the kids . . . a girl . . . took the bracelet and wouldn 't give it back . Ryan grabbed her arm to get her to give it to him . Apparently , this is against school policy . The girl had broken her arm in three places over the summer , had surgery on it , and when Ryan grabbed her , he twisted it , and she ended up in the nurses office . When she went home and told her parents , they wanted the boy who hurt their daughter suspended . So he was . . . for one day . The assistant principal felt really bad , because he watched the video ( I had no idea they had cameras in the halls ) and saw that the kids were just horsing around , and there was no viciousness in what Ryan did . He was just trying to get his bracelet back . SO when Ryan got home , I asked him what happened , and he said it was during tutoring . His math teacher decided to work on her bulletin board in the hallway instead of tutoring , and the kids were out there fooling around with her . Now , Ryan is pulled out of another class for tutoring , and if he was doing nothing but hanging out in the hallway , he should have stayed in his regular class . So Ryan stayed home Thursday , and was my slave . He cleaned , did laundry , washed dishes . . . all my housework . I mean , he needed to be punished for getting suspended , but it wasn 't like he beat someone up . He did what we would all do . . . it was a reflex action almost . But , he needs to learn to control those reflexes , so he was put to work . He went back to school on Friday , and this teacher pulled him into the hallway for a privscribbled by I 'll tell ya 'll about therapy in a sec . First I want to discuss my miraculous weight loss . I say miraculous because I have no idea how I am still losing weight . Okay , maybe I was clued in a little bit today , and few weeks ago , but still . Let me explain . Ever since Junior switched to the 4am work schedule , I have been staying up until 2am every night to get him up and off to work . Then I go to bed , get up at 5 : 15 to get the kids up and ready for the bus , take them to the bus stop , come back home and try to sleep until about 11 : 30 on most days . That is what time I set the alarm for , but more times than not , I am up before 10 . A few weeks ago , when we were dealing with all the rental issues , Junior was home for a few days . On those days , he would continuously ask me if I wanted something to eat , and I would say no . All day . He asked me if I ever eat , and I told him yeah , I just wasn 't hungry that day . Or the few days he was home . Turns out , I was just too busy to eat . When I get up for the day , I get on the computer and do what paid posting I can . This may seem easy to some people , but for me it is difficult sometimes . Not only do i have to do the paid posts , but I have to do interesting posts in between . I will admit that some days , my filler posts suck , but my life is not exciting enough to warrant six posts a day . That is when I talk about television and movies . Anyway , today Ryan was home from school , and he asked if he could fix me lunch . I told him i wasn 't hungry , and that was when it hit me . On any typical day , I only eat supper . Then a snack or two while I try to stay up until 2am . But that 's it . No wonder I am losing weight . This past month it was only about 3 pounds , I think , bringing my total to 35 pounds lost . Not too bad for not trying . I have clothes that I am wearing that haven 't fit in years , so I can definitely tell I 'm losing . People have also been commenting on it , which is nice . Now if I could just lose about 50 more . . . . Junior and I went to therapy yesterday . We switched days because I was going to apply fscribbled by I waited too long , and the candle shop took down the help wanted sign . Sigh . Junior wasn 't too happy about me going to work anyway , so in a way I guess it 's a good thing . Brandi was furious and cried for hours when she found out I was going to apply , so I guess it 's for the best . It 's not that Junior doesn 't want me to work . . . he doesn 't hold me hostage here . . . he is just afraid that the kids will lose their medicaid if I go to work . . . and we can not afford family coverage through his job . I mean , it 's bad enough we don 't have insurance . . . the kids NEED it , especially Ryan . Now I just have to hope that there is a page rank increase on one of my blogs . Higher rank = more money . Junior also fears having to deal with homework and supper and showers and all the evening things I would miss if I was working . I have a routine , and it works , but he hates following " orders " , so he would do it his own way , and that is where things will go nuts . So for now , I will do my paid posts , and save money where I can . I touched on this on my other blog , but it is something that is really on my mind right now . Christmas . I am trying not to get stressed out , because I know we always find a way to get the kids what they want . It 's just that buying for my nieces and nephews is going to be tough . My sisters always spend more on my kids than I do on their kids , and I hate it that this year , I will be lucky to scrape together the money to spend even $ 5 per kid . Sad , I know . Junior is trying to sell some of his fishing rod holders . . . with my dad 's help . . . and hopefully those will bring in some money . I am trying to see how long we can go without turning on the heat . . . that right there will save some money . Even though it is supposed to be in the 30 's tonight . I think it 's time to pull on the fuzzy socks . I think I mentioned , a few weeks back , that we lost our therapist at therapy . We ended up with a very nice woman , and a man ( Bob ) , who junior was never really comfortable with . Over the weeks , Junior never really warmed up to Bob . I was willing to give him a chance , but there were things he has said that kind of made me a little uncomfortable . For instance , a few sessions back , as we were wrapping up the hour , Bob said that he was going through a similar situation with his son that Junior is going through with his dad . Weird . I didn 't think the therapists were supposed to share so much about their personal lives . When Junior and I left , we began wondering what he meant . Was he acting like Junior 's dad , and being toxic towards his son ? Was his son treating him like Junior 's dad does him ? I was unsettled thinking about it , and told Junior that given the chance , I was going to ask Bob what he meant . Next session , Bob starts telling us about his car problems . For 30 minutes of our 50 minute session , Cindy ( our female therapist ) and I just stared off into space while Bob and Junior talked cars . Cindy tried several times to steer the conversation back to Junior 's issues , but Bob always ends up talking about himself . At the end of every session , Cindy always asks if there is anything else we want to say before we end for the week , and I asked Bob about his comment the session before . He started saying how his son is a deadbeat , and can 't keep a job , and how his wife is a drug addict , and they are raising his child . . . and then he pulled out his wallet and started showing us pictures . Now , his situation is NOTHING like what junior is going through , and I found it extremely unprofessional that he shared so much about himself , and PICTURES ! When we left , Junior and I both thought that maybe we should say something to Nancy next time we saw her . This brings us to today . Cindy came into the waiting room , and asked if it would be okay if we started our session with Bob because she had to take an emergency phone call , and she would joinscribbled by I keep forgetting to update this blog . It 's not my main blog , and it gets little traffic , and I mostly use it to write about myself , and since nothing exciting ever happens in my life , I don 't write much here . What have I been up to ? Let 's see . . . I still haven 't started packing , even though I have 20 or so boxes ready and waiting to be filled . I am hoping to get motivated this weekend , when the kids are home to help . I especially want to do Ryan 's room , because his party is next friday , and I want the kids to be able to go in there and not get lost . Yes , it is that messy . Speaking of Ryan 's party . . . I am still trying to figure out the menu . I want to do chips and finger foods , and I have a few I do every year , but I want something different . I need to look around online to see what I can find . I just need to find the time to do it . My mom called last night , making sure I wanted her to do the cake . She won 't tell me what she has planned , but I am sure it will be amazing . I am going to make a few little pumpkin cakes using the pan I bought , too , just to make sure there is enough . I need to get a grocery list together , too . Our first month back on food stamps kicks in on Saturday , so we are going to get all the party food , and the basic staples we have been doing without . Plus , Food Lion is having an awesome sale on chicken strips , and I use those all the time . Even when I but boneless skinless breasts , I always chop them down into strips . Anyway , I want to stock up on those while they are on sale . I am still looking for work . I am debating walking down to a candle store that is literally a minutes walk from the end of my driveway . They are looking for part time work , and my friend went in to see if she could get the job , but she wasn 't available the hours they are looking for . They need someone to work Thursday and Friday , from 10 until 6 . They only pay minimum wage , which really doesn 't make it worth it . Plus , I need the 16 and 30th of october free , and those are both Fridays . Maybe if the sign is still up in November , scribbled by Junior took today off to deal with some landlord issues . . . I am so ready to move ! . . . so we went out and had breakfast at Hardee 's . We haven 't done this since he started morning shift at work , and it was nice to sit with him , without kids , and have an adult conversation . Not ADULT adult , but just a normal conversation where we talked about Christmas and moving , without little ears around . The one big drawback about our little duplex is that even when the kids are in another room , they can still hear every word we say . We also went and looked at storage buildings . . . I wrote about that on my other blog . . . and when we got home Missy called . We decided to meet up for supper , and I gotta tell you , I had a really good time . This surprised me , because I was on the verge of a panic attack , because the restaurant was sooo busy . But once we were seated , I was okay . I don 't know when I got so crazy , either . Those things never used to bother me . Missy 's mom came too , and I really enjoy spending time with her , too . If you read Missy 's blog , you know how great her sense of humor is . Well , she gets it from her mom , and the two of them together is hysterical . We are all going to go trick or treating together , and I am really looking forward to it ! Junior and I also went to therapy today . It was a good session , where we basically discussed how much improvement Junior has shown in the past year , and deciding what we still have to work on to get him where he needs to be . I think he is well on his way , and his therapist ( s ) agree . I am so proud of him . I was proud of myself the other day when we went to Burger King with Brandi , and I was able to sit in a booth . I may have mentioned this before , I don 't remember , but I never used to be able to fit in the booths at fast food places . It 's nice that I can now . I guess that 's about it . Have a great night ! I am so tired ! Junior left work early today , waking me around 9 : 30 . I had just laid back down ! I am extremely happy that tomorrow is Saturday , and I do not have to get up to an alarm . I will enjoy sleeping in , and will kill anyone who disturbs my sleep . Okay , maybe I won 't KILL them , but I can make their day miserable . I am the mom , ya know ! I have been crocheting like a madwoman , trying to get a few things done . I have also been working on a Halloween header for my main blog , and I am dying to put it up . . . but I will wait until Oct . 1st . Hopefully : ) I also finished Ryan 's birthday invitations , and they came out really good , if I do say so myself . I am looking forward to his party , and hanging out with friends and family . I want to find some new recipes for this year , so any ideas for Halloween themed foods is greatly appreciated . Junior and I were discussing what we 're going to get the kids for Christmas at lunch today , and it 's going to be hard this year . Not only financially , but the kids haven 't really asked for anything . Brandi wants a couple of movies . . . Camp Rock and Princess Protection Program . . . and that 's easy enough . I want to get Ryan a television for his room . . . his is broken . . . and the girls will need one for their room when we move , so maybe I will get them a joint gift . Or maybe I will just wait til we get our taxes and buy them . I don 't know . I 'm still holding steady with the weight loss . I haven 't lost any more weight , but I haven 't gained any back , either . Thankfully my life is more stress free every day , so now I need to make a conscience effort to lose . I am liking how I 'm feeling these days , so I have faith I can continue down this path . I guess that 's about it for now . Have a great weekend ! Ours will be low key , and I 'm looking forward to it . I was talking to our neighbor , Paige , this afternoon , you know , the one who I fought with over her stupid dog . The past few months she has been as nice as can be , acting as if nothing ever happened between us . Whatever . Anyway , we were talking today , and I asked when they were moving , because they just bought a house . She said hopefully in the next four weeks . We got to talking about what happened here yesterday with the phone guy , and she was telling me how she has had mice in her kitchen . She said every night they can hear them running around in the kitchen , and every morning the traps are full . Gross . Thank goodness I have the cats , who kill the mice before they can get into my side . She said a few days ago , she came home , and heard something in the cabinet , and assumed it was another mouse . ( she is using sticky traps instead of the snap kind ) When she opened the cabinet , she found a snake stuck on the trap ! Can you imagine ? I know there are snakes around here , because we have caught a few in the minnow trap in the creek , but I didn 't know they were coming up to the house . She said Josh ( her boyfriend ) said the snake was probably after the mice , but still . Kind of makes me a little weary . Have I mentioned that I can not wait to move ? I asked how the mice and snake got in , and she said her kitchen sink leaks underneath , and it has rotted holes in the boards . She said when she mentioned it to our management company , they said it was something they could live with , so they weren 't going to fix it . How crappy is that ? I am so glad Junior fixed our plumbing problem , because I have a feeling the management company wouldn 't have cared about that , either . Paige said they can not wait to get out . Neither can we . I was expecting the phone guy between 1 and 3 this afternoon . At 10 til 3 , the guy still hadn 't shown up . I called Charter , and asked if there was a delay . The guy on the phone looked on his computer , and said the technician had marked my order completed . WTF ? I told him I had been here all afternoon , with my door open , and he never showed up . The guy said he would call the technician and see what was going on , and call me back . HELLO ! My whole issue is that I can not receive incoming calls . I tell him this , and he tells me he 'll just put me on hold . Five minutes later he comes back and says the guy says he knocked on the CLOSED door , and left a tag on the handle . He asked if I lived in a gray duplex . I said yes , then told him to hold on while I went to see if maybe the guy went next door . Nope . The guy on the phone tells me to hold on again . Another five minutes and he comes back , saying the technician admitted that he wasn 't sure he was at the right place , so they would sent someone else out before 5 . He told me that they usually don 't send someone else the same day , but because the technician admitted fault , they would . Well , wasn 't that nice of them . The other technician shows up , and after almost an hour discovers what the problem was . The cordless phone in my bedroom is plugged into a jack that was at the head of my bed . ( well , to me it 's the foot because I sleep upside down on the bed . . . I always have . . . I know I 'm weird . . . it 's okay . . . I own it ) The jack had a filter on it from the three days we had DSL when we first moved in , and that filter was laying on the carpet . The carpet was soaking wet , which made the filter soaking wet , which was shorting out my phone line . Why was it wet , you ask ? Because this apartment is a piece of shit . The duplex was build on a slab . The bathtub is on a step up , with all the plumbing underneath . It seems the pipe that drains the tub came undone , and was leaking underneath . The water went through the wall , into my bedroom , under my bed , so I never noticed . This has been going on for almscribbled by My phone has been broken for over a week now , and I really haven 't noticed . That 's pretty sad if you think about it . I can call out fine , but when someone calls me , all they get is static , and my phone never rings . If they are lucky , they can leave a message . It took a few days before I even knew that was happening . You see , no one , other than family , ever calls me . Except Missy . Kinda sad , right ? I guess it 's a good thing I really don 't like talking on the phone . I broke down today and called to have the line fixed , because my sister is having a baby on friday , and I want to make sure I get " the call " when baby Jake is here safe and sound . They are coming tomorrow between 1 and 3 . I hate when I am the only one home for repair men , but what can you do ? Hopefully it is something they can fix without coming in the house . In other " news " , I am holding steady at 30 pounds lost . I told my mom yesterday I was a little worried that maybe there was something wrong with me , because I have lost this weight pretty much without trying . Sure , we haven 't had much food in the house , so I haven 't been eating , but I have dieted before and never had these kinds of results . All the check places have tried to deposit the checks , and we have been paying bounced check fees for a couple of weeks now . I believe the last of the fees were paid with the money I deposited this morning from my paid posts , so hopefully we can keep our account out of the hole . The check places are now calling , trying to work with us . Why they couldn 't do this before , I have no idea . Junior is going to go talk to them all on Friday , and hopefully be able to make some sort of reasonable payment arrangements . Fingers crossed . I am getting so excited about moving , and a little nervous at the same time . I think most of my anxiety is going to be about finding the right place . I know tons of places check your credit these days , and ours isn 't so good . I hope we can find a three bedroom that is not a dump . I am tired of living in a place that is falling apart . Junior is going scribbled by I am down 30 pounds ! ! ! ! Holy crap ! ! ! ! ! The sad thing is , I am not even trying . It 's the lack of food in the house , and stress . Who thought having no money would have a bright side ? I put on jeans today that I haven 't worn in years ! On another note , Junior and I decided today that we are going to move in February . I am tired of the roof leaking , my bathtub faucet continuously running , and here 's the straw that broke the camels back . Remember when we asked about putting up the pool , and they said sure , but we would have to pay the difference in the water bill ? Well , they charged us $ 40 to fill a 12 foot pool a foot and a half deep . There is no way in hell it took that much water . I told Junior he should have questioned it , and asked to see the bill , but he said it is easier just to pay it . Whatever . We went today , and found the cutest 3 bedroom trailer . I wish we never resigned the lease . I wish we could move today . But , we are stuck here until February . I will not break our lease . Plus , we will have more money in February to move . It is a priority this time that we find something with three bedrooms , even if it is a trailer . They do have some nice ones nowadays . I am going to spend tomorrow trying to find a part time job . I did this a few months ago , and never got a single phone call . I am hoping for better luck this time . We are struggling just like a lot of people right now , and I am trying not to let it get me down . Life is sometimes like a snowball . . . we get behind on one thing , and bam . . . it 's late fees and NSF fees and overdraft fees . . . and then there is no money left to pay the bills . It sucks , and I can 't see a way out right now , which is why I need to find a job , which is a lot easier said than done . I wish Junior was working third shift again , then I could work during the day . But his job no longer offers third shift . I wish I could go back to making more money from home , but google is what it is , and I am patiently awaiting the next update . If I can 't find a job , the first things to go will be my internet and cable . I don 't want to do that , but that is the only monthly bill we can get rid of . We have to make our car payment . We have to have power . We have to have car insurance . We have to pay rent . We don 't HAVE TO have cable and internet , but it 's the only luxury we allow ourselves . If we get rid of it , we have nothing , and that would suck even more . Ug , this sounds like another pity party for me , but in reality , it helps me to feel better to write . To get things off my chest . I feel better already . We went to therapy today . It 's the first time we have been with the new therapists . Did you catch that ? I said therapists . We have two . One is the lady we met last session , whose name is Cindy . And then we have a man , whose name I can not remember . We spent the hour going over the past year , and filling these two therapists in on Junior 's issues with his family . Not a productive hour , but it allowed the therapists to get an idea of the things Junior has been through . I know it is hard for him to talk about some of those things , so he wasn 't in a very good place when we left . But , we stopped for the last of our free shakes from Zaxby 's on the way home , and chocolate always helps when you 're feeling blue . Junior still isn 't sure how he feels about the therapists . I like Cindy , but I 'm not sure about the man . He seemed kind of , oh , I don 't know what word I am looking for . Maybe it 's just me , because I feel more comfortable with a woman . I don 't know . Hopefully next session will be a little more comfortable for everyone . My mom came over for supper tonight . She didn 't stay too long , but we enjoyed having her eat with us . I just served the second tray of chicken pot pie I made yesterday with some mac and cheese . I am on this cooking kick lately . Maybe it 's the fact that we have limited funds right now , and I have no choice but to be creative with what I make . I lost another pound . . . I 'm down 26 ! Yay ! I haven 't told Junior , and he hasn 't noticed , which kind of sucks , but I guess because he sees me every day it 's hard for him to tell . He is also losing weight . . . I think he is down 12 pounds . . . and I don 't want to discourage him by losing more . I know it usually pisses me off when he loses more than me . So for now , I will keep quiet , and try and lose more . I have a busy weekend ahead . . . plans with Missy to go " parking lot shopping " on Saturday morning . From what I understand , this particular grocery store puts all it 's " almost out of date " food in the parking lot , and you pay $ 7 to fill a box with whatever you can . When I called fscribbled by Junior 's ex mother - in - law , Jean , asked me last week to do a yard sale with her this morning . Even though I had nothing to sell , I agreed to help her out . Junior got together a few old power tools , and I brought all of my signs , you know , the " welcome " and " keys " signs that I make ? We spoke to her last night , and she asked us to be at her house by 7 . Well , I don 't do mornings well , so we got there around 8 . She wasn 't there . Since I brought my own table , Junior and I set up , and waited . And waited . Not one car stopped all morning . Jean finally came out of the house around 9 , and said she had too much to do , and wouldn 't be able to do the yard sale with us . By 11 , we were ready to call it quits . As we were getting ready to pack up , she came over and asked what we would take for everything we were selling . Junior told her $ 45 for his stuff , and $ 40 for my signs . She bought it all . I wish I had sold my signs individually , I would have made more money , but now she has Christmas gifts for her family , and I have some cash , which is much needed around here . Of course , it is going right to bills , but they were bills we couldn 't pay yesterday , so that 's good . It just sucks having no " play " money , although I did spend a little of my paid posting money to get Kasi a Christmas gift for all of $ 4 . I wish it was February . . . we really need that tax refund right now . I got on the scale this morning , and was convinced it was broken . Since Kasi was weighed at the doctors office two weeks ago , I knew what she would weigh , so I had her get on the scale when she got home . My scale says she is four pounds heavier than the doctors scale . Okay , so my scale is off , but in the wrong direction . I thought it was weighing lighter , not heavier . So , according to my scale , not the doctors , I have lost about 25 pounds , give or take a few ounces . I guess there is a good side to stress and not having money to have junk food in the house . Since it 's not here , I don 't eat it , and apparently , that was a big issue for me . I hope this trend continues . . . . How 's that for a title ? So , it 's Tuesday . We still don 't have a solution to our monetary problem , and the check places refuse to work with us right now . They are going to try and cash the checks , and then get into contact with us . That means about $ 100 in NSF fees , but what can we do ? It is what it is . Free milkshakes from Zaxby 's helped today . We have been so broke , eating out has not been an option , so going to a restaurant , even though it was just for milkshakes , was fun . The first one we went to , we waited about 45 minutes for them to tell us they ran out of shakes , so they gave us coupons for free shakes . As we were leaving , Ryan ran up to the counter and asked for his coupons , and got three more free coupons , and two strawberry shakes . I really wanted my shake , so we went to another Zaxby 's , and saw that they had signs on the doors saying they were out of shakes , too . We went in anyway , figuring we would get more coupons , but when we went to the register , the cashier said they did have shakes . Seems kind of wrong to put up signs saying you don 't when you do , but whatever . In the end , we all ended up with our chocolate shakes , and I have 8 coupons for free shakes . On another note , Junior and I got the kids back on their medicaid . . . thanks God . . . and we are going to reapply for food stamps . I used the online calculator , and it says we should get about $ 185 a month , which isn 't too much , but will definitely help out a bunch . I also got the letter saying they qualified for free breakfast / lunch . . . have I mentioned that already ? ? ? . . . which is a huge burden lifted . I am also going to reapply online for some jobs , but am not very hopeful . My friend Nicole has been looking for months , and says no one is hiring , not even minimum wage jobs . I guess we will just continue to take it one day at a time , and see what happens . We went fishing this morning with my mom . I was so on edge , ready to break down at any moment , and after about five minutes in my moms car , I lost it . I think she asked if Junior was in a bad mood , and I just started bawling . Then I spent most of the rest of the day crying . But , I feel better being able to talk things over with my mom . She offered to try and help us , but I can 't let her . She has enough going on right now , she doesn 't need to worry about my problems . That was why I didn 't want her to know in the first place . I am still not sure what tomorrow will bring . I still don 't know how we are going to get through this . But I know we WILL get through it . And I KNOW that I have so many things to be thankful for , because there are so many people who have less than we do . I am blessed to have family , and friends , who listen and offer words of wisdom . I have my health , and my kids are healthy , and Junior is healthy , and employed . I am contributing , and there should be a google update soon , and hopefully I will make more money after that . . . I have my fingers crossed for 3 's on my blogs . . . not this one , though . This is where I vent , and I don 't network this one like I do the others . I know there is a brighter day on the horizon . . . I just need to get there . If you happened to have visited last night or early this morning , you got to read a post I wrote that , looking at this morning , was too " woe is me " and whiny , so I took it down . I felt like sharing my current situation sounded like I was asking for money , and that was totally not my intention . I was just really down , and needed to get things off my chest , and because my sisters don 't really understand money issues , and would think I was asking for money , I don 't talk to them . It was nice , though , to vent a little . That 's what this blog is all about . Oh , and thanks to Sabrina and Miss Donna for their kind words . . . I love you guys ! I have been looking forward to the kids starting school for a few weeks now , but now that they have , I don 't know what to do with myself . Sure , I have my housework , but in an apartment this small , it doesn 't take very long to get everything done . The quiet was nice the first day , but now I kind of miss the chaos . I need to get over myself and find something to do . I sit here at the computer a good part of the day , waiting for opps and stuff , but that gets boring really quickly . I was going to make some meatballs today to freeze for later use ( I got a huge things of meat on sale yesterday ) but I don 't have breadcrumbs . Hopefully I will still be motivated to do that tomorrow . . . if I can talk Junior into going out later for some breadcrumbs . I made a turkey a couple of days ago , so we have been eating the leftovers of that . Last night , Kasi sat and pulled the meat apart , then I simmered it with barbecue sauce . . it tasted just like a pulled pork sandwich , but better for you , since it was turkey breast . Man , my mouth is watering just thinking about it . I have been trying to come up with cheap meals , since we are low on grocery money . ( we 're low on ALL money , but that 's another post ) It 's expensive feeding a family of 5 . Luckily , according to the paperwork we filled out , the kids should qualify for free lunch . That will be a big relief . Remember a few months ago I applied online for a job ? I never heard from ANYONE ! I can not believe that the grocery stores aren 't even hiring . Even fast food places are getting more applications than they know what to do with . I could probably go back to McDonald 's , but I just can 't do it . I didn 't exactly leave on good terms , and the store I worked at , and the store closest to me have the same owners . I don 't want to come off sounding racist , but both stores now have more Mexican workers than white workers , and all the do is speak Spanish to each other . I wouldn 't even understand them ! I have my fingers crossed that when the next google update happens , I will get my pr3 back , so I can make scribbled by Tomorrow is the last morning I get to sleep in . Tuesday it is back to getting up at 5 : 20 am and helping the kiddos get off to school . Where did the summer go ? In fact , where did this last year go ? It seems like only yesterday that we moved into this apartment . Heck , it seems like only yesterday that Ryan was born . It doesn 't seem right that I am 37 years old , and that next year is my 2o year HS reunion . I have no intentions of going , but it 's just crazy thinking that I have been out of school for so long . When did I get so old ? ? ? ? On a different note , I got on the scale the other day . . . and was pleasantly surprised . Seems I have lost about 21 pounds in the last couple of months . I blame losing our food stamps . . . no money to buy food means there is no food in the house to eat . The sucky thing is that I am so heavy , people don 't notice the loss . But that 's okay . I tend to do better when people don 't know I am losing . I am hoping I can keep this up , which shouldn 't be too hard with the kids back in school . I may even break out the old Richard Simmons tapes . We went to the movie in the park the other night , and I was kind of disappointed when we left early . It 's times like that when I hate being depended on other people for transportation . Sure , the kids weren 't watching the movie . . . they were playing frisbee . I wasn 't watching either . . . I was too busy gossiping with Missy . I hated that they left because we left . . . it felt like I ruined the whole night . But , the time we were there was great ! Kasi won something this time , a crock pot cook book . I was looking through it before , and there are a few recipes I would like to try . I also came home with the breakfast cookbook Missy won last time . . . she knew I was drooling over it , and let me have it . . . she has such a huge heart ! . . . and there are tons of recipes in that one that are calling my name . Other than that , it has been a quiet , boring weekend , which is what I enjoy . I hope you had a good one , too . We met with the new therapist today . Kelsey was there too , but this was our last session with her . I don 't know what I think about the new lady . While Kelsey was young and quick to laugh , the new therapist is a little older , and more . . . . um . . . . mothering , maybe is a good word . She is soft spoken , yet animated , and when she speaks it feels like she is hugging you . Is she a good fit for us ? I 'm not sure . Junior doesn 't think so . I told him we need to give her a chance , and not be dismissive without getting to know her a little better . Besides , we only see her every other week , and in 6 months she graduates the program and we 'll get someone else , so in reality , we will only see her about 12 more times . I am hoping she can put a new perspective on Junior 's issues , and maybe help him see things in a different , and maybe better , way than Kelsey did . We 'll see . I have had one of those days today , though . The landlord called this afternoon about a car that belongs to a coworkers of Junior 's that has been in our yard for the past 6 weeks . He keeps telling her to come move it , and she always has an excuse . Now the landlord said it has to go , so she needs to get it this weekend . If she doesn 't , Junior said he will tow it back to where he got it from , which was a friend of her 's house . Why do people have to be so difficult ? Then I get a letter in the mail . . . final notice . . . for our power bill . Seems I misread our bill , and thought we had until Monday to pay it . Turns out we had until 5pm yesterday . That 's right . I got a notice today , saying the current balance was due yesterday , or they would disconnect . I got right on the phone , and tried to make payment arrangements . They wouldn 't even consider it because I didn 't call yesterday before 5 . This was an honest mistake on my part , and now instead of the $ 113 that was past due , they want all $ 273 . They wouldn 't even just take the past due . So I called Junior at work to ask him what we should do , when Ryan came inside and said there was a guy behind the house walking around . Sure enouscribbled by Aside from kasi 's little adventure , we had a wonderful camping trip . We swam , we fished , we tanned . I can not remember the last time I just did nothing . And I mean N O T H I N G ! When we got up Thursday morning , it was about 9 . We ran and got ice for the coolers , and were back and in the lake by 10 . I spent all day swimming and floating around on my float . I cooked burgers on the grill for lunch , and hot dogs for supper . The kids ate whenever they wanted , whatever they wanted . I can not remember the last time they went so long without arguing . I can not even begin to explain the feeling of helplessness that I felt when kasi fell into the fire pit . I didn 't know what to do for her . She wanted ice , which I later found out was a bad idea . I did the only thing I could . . . I got her to the hospital . It 's so hard knowing there is nothing you can do to make your child better . Luckily , it never really hurt . . . my mom told my sister she could have burned the nerves , which would block the pain . They gave her some lortab at the hospital , more for themselves , I think . They kept telling her it was okay if she said it hurt , because it SHOULD hurt . That was the first time she has ever taken a pain pill like that , and she was quite loopy . It did help her sleep , which is what she needed . I thank God that she didn 't burn her face , because that 's how she fell . . . face first . She put out her arm to protect her face . It was also luck that she didn 't fall into the flame . That would have been really bad . We call Kasi klutz , because she is always falling and stuff . This was typical Kasi , falling like she did . Earlier in the day , when they were at the park , she fell chin first into the ground , and skinned her chin and both knees . It 's amazing that she has yet to break a bone . Friday , I felt so bad for her . I was ready to come home so she would be more comfortable . She insisted that we stay . She couldn 't get wet , but she put her feet in the water and fished . Anyway , I remembered what it felt like to have no worries . For four days , I didn 't worryscribbled by Therapy was good on Thursday . We didn 't meet the new therapist , which kinda sucks , because now we just have one week with both of them before Kelsey leaves the program . It was a weird hour , because we really didn 't talk about anything . We did talk about the kids , which was nice . I am all about bragging about my kiddos . I am doing better . . . the tooth is finally giving me a break . I can no longer put off having it pulled , and will do it once the kids get back in school and I can come up with the money . Hopefully it won 't be too long , because I have a feeling the pain will be back sooner than it normally is . I have been battling with this tooth for years , and it has NEVER hurt this bad before . I am actually looking forward to it being gone . Kasi is off with my mom for the next few days . My brother and his wife went on a cruise , and my mom is babysitting their girls . Since my mom has fibromyalsia , she needs Kasi to help her run up and down the stair , and entertain the kids . My phone rang last night , after 10 , and it was Kasi . Everyone else was sleeping , and I think she was a little lonely . She was about to get upset , so I told her we would come and get her . ( she 's an hour away ) She said she way okay , and wanted to stay , and then asked to talk to Brandi . I love that my girls are close . Brandi was bored out of her mind yesterday because she missed her sister . Kasi will be home right before we leave to go camping on Wednesday . I have almost everything packed , except for clothes and towels . I need to do some laundry first . I am so afraid that I am going to forget something . . . we 'll see . My mouth feels so much better today . I think the antibiotics have finally kicked in . I tried not to take the pain medicine today , but didn 't last too long before I popped some pills . I think the anti - inflammatory stuff in the pain pills help , so I will take them for a few more days . I actually got some housework done , which was a nice change from laying in the bed crying . Hopefully tomorrow I can get the rest finished before therapy . I am pretty sure we will meet our new therapist tomorrow , and that should be interesting . I hope she has a good personality . I 'll let you know ! Okay , so when Junior got home from work yesterday , I told him I was ready for some relief . I knew it was too late to go to the dentist , so he took me to the ER . On the way , a storm hits , complete with lightning and thunder . We get to the hospital , and the ER parking lot is PACKED ! I was happy I grabbed my James Patterson book as we headed out the door . . . at least I had something to pass the time . As we were walking in the parking lot , my flip flop hit a slick spot , and I went down on one knee , and my pants got all wet . I skinned my knee pretty good , too . Of course , there were tons of people around , and I was completely embarrassed . We walk in the ER , and there are people everywhere . In this hospital , you go through stages before you see the doctor . There is the main waiting room when you first walk in , and this is where you wait if the receptionist is busy . Luckily , we walked right up , and I told her my jaw and ear hurt . She sent me to triage , which is behind the closed doors of the ER . After triage , you are sent to the second waiting room , where you wait forever to get into an exam room . While in triage yesterday , the nurse asked why I was there , and I told him that my jaw and ear hurt . I don 't know if he thought I was having a heart attack or something , but he sent me directly to an exam room . Nice . When the nurse came in the exam room , she asked why I was there , and I told her . She finally asked if I injured my jaw in any way , and I told her the pain started in my tooth a couple of weeks ago , but now it was in my jaw and ear . She looked in my mouth , felt my jaw , and said the doctor would be in in a couple of minutes . ( I have been here before . . . a couple of minutes usually means about two hours ! ) Not ten minutes later , the doctor came in , and he checked out my ear , jaw , and mouth . He said my ear was white ( it should be pink ) because of all the pressure built up behind it . He also said the muscles are pulled tight over my jaw , because of the swelling , and that is what was causing the pain . Then he looks at me , and scribbled by At the risk of getting yelled at . . . . my mouth is killing me ! I say mouth because the pain is no longer in my tooth , it 's in my jaw and ear . I am debating going to the doctor . . . only I don 't have a doctor so it will be a three hour trip to the ER . I just can 't take the pain anymore . It has made me an emotional wreck , and I need some relief . I need some sleep . I just need something done . At least I am in the middle of a good book , so maybe the wait will go by quickly . . . . there is a reason . The past few days I have been trying to figure out why my luck has gone in the crapper . Maybe luck is a wrong word choice , so let me explain . I was doing really well with the paid posting . For a couple of months in a row I made over $ 750 a month . Then google took away my PR3 . I thought this would be the perfect time to change that blog to a dot com . I do that , and the next day I get the PR3 back , but my blog no longer has that Url . That particular blog is now a PR0 , and as most of you paid posters know , you don 't get a lot of opps for with that ranking . I still have a PR2 on my kids blog , and have gotten a few opps for that one , but no where near what I was making . I have been thinking about it , though , and believe there is a reason . All summer I have been tied to the computer , trying to grab opps when they become available . Maybe this is God 's way of making me back off a little , and spend some quality time with my family . The past week has been great . I 've been swimming with the girls , last night I sat on the kitchen floor with them and played with playdough . Today we went out to lunch and shopping , and I wasn 't preoccupied , thinking about what opps I was missing . I enjoyed the time with my family , and the kids had a great time playing at the Chick - Fil - A playland . We seldom go here , so it was a treat for them . My point ? I am hoping that when google does another re - rank in the next couple of months , when the kids are back in school , that I get my PR3 back . Until then , I am going to enjoy my kids . My tooth is finally starting to feel a little better . Wait , that 's not true . My tooth is feeling a lot better . This makes me happy , because I am going to take the kids to the movie in the park tonight , and I don 't want to be in agony . The a / c is also fixed . . . yay ! . . . so we are cool again . I 'm off . . . time to start getting the kids bathed . Things can never be uneventful around here for too long . Kasi and I were watching television earlier , and the a / c unit started making a funky noise . I woke up Junior , and he diagnosed that the fan stopped . No longer working . I asked if he could fix it , and he said he would have to take it apart , again , tomorrow , and see what he can do . I have everything crossed that he can fix it , because we don 't have the money to buy a new unit . I guess I will spend tomorrow in the pool with the girls . Hopefully it won 't rain , even though it is supposed to . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We had therapy today , and it was kind of a waste of time , therapy wise . We basically just sat around talking about whatever popped up , nothing really spectacular . Somehow we got on the subject of why I don 't drive , and the rules I have for the drivers of whatever car I am in . ( Missy is the only person who hasn 't freaked me out with her driving . . . I didn 't scream one time in her truck ) I had Kelsey cracking up . She claims we always make her laugh , and we do do a lot of laughing in therapy . In fact , we laugh a lot everywhere we go . I laughed and talked more in that hour than I have in the last week . After we left , Brandi and I ran into walmart , and I was at the checkout , and I got a pain in my tooth so bad it made me instantly nauseous , and I almost passed out right there . I think it was from using my mouth so much . Luckily , supper and some tylenol made me feel a little better , and my tooth is back to being just a steady achy pain . I can not wait until it feels completely better . I always neglect this blog . I think it 's because I usually come here to bitch a little , and lately , I haven 't had much to bitch about . And that 's a good thing . We ( Junior and I ) are trying to get everything together to go camping in a few weeks . We didn 't gp last year , because of my surgery , so it 's been two years since we 've been . Plus , we moved , and have no idea where half the stuff was put . I am making a master list , so hopefully we won 't forget anything . It 's going to be weird to be away from the computer for four days , but I believe it will be good for me . I bought three books at the dollar tree to keep me busy , and there will be lots of swimming and fishing . I need a break . I need some relaxation , and so does Junior . He 's really looking forward to this . Don 't worry , I plan on taking way too many pictures . I have been fighting an awful toothache . It 's the bottom right wisdom tooth , and this happens a couple of times a year . I finally . . . fingers crossed . . . knock on wood . . . have the pain under control with tylenol . It still hurts , but the pain is bearable , and I 'm not sitting here in tears like I was a couple of days ago . Tomorrow it 's back to therapy . Who knows what we 'll talk about . I 'm pretty sure she will have another therapist in the room , maybe even the one who will take over our sessions . I hope we feel comfortable with her , because I don 't want Junior to quit going . I think therapy has been really good for us . Oh well . . . I have housework calling my name . . . must get to it . I 'll try to not be so long between posts anymore , but no promises . I started doing this paid posting thing about eight months ago . At first , it was fun making money while being home with the kids . Today , my brain is fried . There are days where the opps are slow coming , and then there are days like today where there are so many my head feels like it will explode . I am in no way complaining , because we need the money , but I just don 't have anything else to write about today . My brain is fried . That said , I have something to say . The weirdest thing happened today . Junior was sitting in the van on break , eating breakfast this morning when his dad pulled up beside him . He asked Junior if we wanted to come to a cook out at his house . WTF ? We haven 't had anything to do with this man for almost a year , and he wants us to come over and have a cookout ? Junior told him no , obviously . Now , had Junior said yes , we would have gone . This whole thing with his family was his decision , as much as certain people would like to blame me . I am supportive of my husband , no matter what he decides . Last time we went to therapy , Kelsey ( our therapist ) had another therapist sit in . I asked her today if that meant that she was leaving , and she said she was . Turns out she is graduating from the program in August , so she is turning us over to someone else . I 'm not too sure how I feel about this , or about how Junior feels about it . We are very comfortable with Kelsey , and I hope whoever she decides to give us to shares her . . . um . . . way of thinking ? I 'm not sure that 's the right way to say it . . . maybe therapy style ? I feel like we might have to start over , and I 'm not sure Junior wants to . He has been doing so good with the kids , and dealing with his anger towards his family . I don 't know if that will continue if he stops therapy . I hope it will . He 's been going for almost a year now , and he has made so much progress . I am so proud of him . In my last post , I mentioned wanting to make this blog more " me " . Miss Donna responded with : " I 'm missing " the purple love " in here ! ! ! And Where 's the Elephants ? ? ? ? " And she was right . What is more me than elephants and purple ? So I went to work this morning , and redid things . Do you like it ? I love it ! Seriously , where has this year gone ? We finally figured out when Junior will take his vacation . It 's not until August , and it will be nice to get away . We 're going to go camping for a few days . We are going to go to Lake Greenwood , which is where we went two years ago . If we reserve it in the next week or so , we can get the same campsite , which we loved , It was right on the water , so Junior and Ryan will fish while the girls and I swim and hang out . It 's been two years since we 've been , and we had so much fun then . I 'm hoping we will have just as much fun this time . I have been doing good . Junior and I have been fighting . . . or should I say I have been mad at him and he has been trying to make me less mad at him . I won 't go into detail , but he did something he knew would tick me off , and it did . We 're working through it , though , like we always do . Therapy tomorrow , but I don 't mention our marital crap there . Therapy is Junior 's time , not mine . I am just there to be supportive . My mom bought the kids a pool , and my dad supplied enough chemicals for the summer , so the kids have been doing nothing but swimming . If you read any of my other blogs you know this already . Oh , speaking of blogs , I bought a dot com domain for my craft blog , and hopefully can get that set up in the next couple of days . I need the help of a friend , so it all depends on when she is available . Google dumped the ranking on that one from a 3 to n / a , so I needed a way to get some opps , and going dot com helps . I redid the look of it , too . I 'm thinking of overhauling this one too , but we 'll see . The kids blog is about family , the craft is about crafts and stuff , the picture is about , well , pictures , and this one is about me . All mine . I want it to reflect who I am . I 'm still trying to figure that out . It 's been almost a month since I have written anything over here . I was toying with shutting this blog down , but decided to just keep on keeping on . Junior and I had therapy yesterday , and it had been a month since we had seen Kelsey ( due to sickness ) . We fell back into it easy enough , and spent the hour talking about Junior 's parents . We had run into his dad at the grocery store , so we discussed Junior reaction to that , and the fact that the kids didn 't want to talk to him . I would never tell them they couldn 't , but they decided on their own that they didn 't want to . He has been not so nice to each of them at one time or another , and in the past year , they have gotten to the point where they don 't have anything to say to him . The same holds true for Junior 's mom . I never said they couldn 't speak to her , but they have decided not to . I know I am giving them a lot of decisions to make at such young ages , and sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing . When I look at the love they get from my mom and dad , I wish they could have that from Junior 's side of the family . But in the almost 14 years we have been together , Junior 's family has never been close . That is one of the reasons we are in therapy . It 's not for couples counseling , but for junior to work through the hurt he feels . It was funny , but at one point yesterday , Kelsey said that I am Junior 's rock , always being strong when he falls apart . She asked him if he could look at me and tell me he appreciates me . I just busted out laughing , because we know what we mean to each other , and I 'm not an overly affectionate person , and shit like that makes me uncomfortable . But , he did , and then we were all laughing . That 's one of the things I love about our therapist . . . she gets our sense of humor , and we keep her laughing . So . . . Monday is my wedding anniversary . 14 years . Some days it feels like a day , and some days it feels like it 's been fifty years . I know I 'll be saying the same thing in another fourteen years . It feels weird tonight . No Survivor . No ER . No Harper 's Island . Nothing I wanted to watch on television , so I watched a movie . A really cute movie I 'm going to write about on my other blog . This afternoon Junior and I ventured to therapy . It 's been two weeks since we 've seen Kelsey , but we picked up right where we left off . . . me having issues with Junior 's need for revenge , and him seeing nothing wrong with it . I haven 't really talked about that much on here , but my husband seems to think that every person who has ever done him wrong needs to pay for that somehow . He has a long list of offenders , and I don 't agree with that . I think he should be the better person and let things go . That 's what we 're working on . Finding middle ground . I brought up Kasi 's birthday party , because it really bothered me that he spent the entire party inside , avoiding people . I thought it was rude , regardless of his reasons . He could have at least came out for a few minutes , and talked to everyone . There was one point where it was just me , my sister Colleen , and Sam and Missy sitting outside talking , and he was inside watching television . This was after everyone else had left . We sat out there for probably an hour , just talking and hanging out . He didn 't come out once . ( Missy ~ I hope you guys didn 't think he was totally rude ) I know he has a hard time with how close my family is , because he has never had that . But I want him to be a part of this , and he has been in the past , but the past few months have been hard on him , and I don 't know why . So we talked about that today , and I hope next time he will be more sociable . I have been doing okay . The kids are winding down in school , only a week and a half left . I will be happy when I don 't have to get up at 5 : 20 every morning . I don 't even remember what it 's like to sleep more than three straight hours . On a side note , I am watching Seinfeld and the sound is off . It doesn 't match their mouths , and that annoys me to no end . I took Missy 's advice today , and took a bunch of pictures of the stupiscribbled by Got on the scale again this morning . . . down another 3 pounds . Must have been the workout my fat behind got on Saturday helping my brother . I 'm not complaining . . . I like the numbers going down . . . I just need to keep them going in that direction . Did a little shopping for Kasi 's party today . I am getting excited to see everyone . . . missy , you 're still coming , right ? . . . I just hope it doesn 't rain . It rained in October , and we learned then that my house is just too small for so many people . . . besides , I want the kids to be able to get wet . I have water balloon plans . . . sshhhhhh . . . . . I have so much to do cleaning this house , too , but I always wait until the last minute . Friday I want to get all the food ready , and Saturday I need to get the yard done . I need to send an email asking people to bring their own outdoor chairs . . . I don 't have enough . We weren 't able to borrow the sno cone machine , but saw one in wal - mart for $ 15 we might get . . . we have the syrup left over from October . . . that stuff doesn 't go bad , right , if i keep it in the fridge ? Maybe I 'll just get some more . . . . Too many decisions to make ! Therapy was kinda hard today . Not for Junior , but for me . We started talking about his mom . I tried for MANY years to get Junior to talk to his mom . They were not speaking when I met him 14 years ago , and it took up until I was pregnant with Brandi for him to really have anything to do with her . Most of you know that all changed last year right around the time his dad 's wife kicked him out , and I had my surgery . I became the bad person because I wanted to protect my family . I did what any mother would do . . . I put my kids , and my husband , before anyone . That meant making hard choices . Some of those choices were perceived the wrong way . This lead to certain members of Junior 's family pretending to be other people to get close to me on facebook and my blogs . The one on facebook I caught right away . The other took me a few months , and I can not believe I didn 't catch it sooner . As soon as I mentioned on my blog about my suspicions , this " blogger " closed her blog . Coincidence ? I don 't think so . Kelsey , our therapist ( she 's " our " therapist now ! lol ) , wants me to think about coming in and doing a private session with her , because she saw how upset talking about things made me today . Junior refuses to talk about his mom , even in therapy . He doesn 't think that relationship is worth repairing . That is his choice , not mine . I wish things could be different with some members of his family . It makes me sad that my kids lost all their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents . I do , however , tell them all the time that just because we don 't see or talk to them , that doesn 't mean that they don 't love them . I refuse to hurt my kids more , and I refuse to talk bad about Junior 's family to them . Even though it has been almost a year since we 've moved and his dad has not asked ONE TIME how the kids are , I won 't let them believe that he doesn 't love them . Even though Junior 's mom is not actively in their lives , I let them know that she does love them . My kids know they are loved , by many , many people , and that is what is important . Dscribbled by Tomorrow is therapy again . It 's our first time going in the afternoon with brandi , so it should be interesting to see if she likes hanging out in the waiting room . It 's been a pretty good week , so there shouldn 't be much to discuss . . . . other than Junior 's dad going into The Home Depot and telling Junior 's boss that he should fire the useless asshole they have working in lumber . Can you feel the love ? I can . . . it oozes out of every word that comes out of that man 's mouth . What kind of a father tries to get his son fired , knowing he is working to support his wife and three kids . . . HIS grandchildren ? I just don 't get it . BUT . . . we have moved on , and Junior 's boss knows what 's going on , and when Junior asked why he didn 't tell him . . . we heard it from the man who was with his dad at the time . . . he said it was because the only thing his dad accomplished was making himself look like an idiot . Well , yeah . But anyway , enough of that . I got on the scale this morning , and am down another couple of pounds . Yay me ! I was shocked when Junior came home from work today and started talking about what we could do to lose weight . He started his new schedule , and has been home by 2 : 30 every day . He was saying how he wants to start going to the park and walking every day when he gets off . . . HELLO ! ! ! ! I have been saying this for MONTHS ! ! ! ! But , as long as we start doing it , that 's all that is important . I am really excited about it , actually . It will be nice to be doing SOMETHING , ya know ? Um . . . . haven 't heard anything about the applications I filled out . I know it 's only been a couple of days , but I was hoping . Actually , what I am really hoping is that my friend Nicole gets a job so I can keep her daughter again , that way I don 't have to work . I have been doing pretty well with the paid posting , and would love to be able to stay home and do this , plus keep a kid . That would be perfect . But , life is not perfect , so we 'll make due . I could always go back to fast food . . . even though I DO NOT WANT TO ! I am getting too old for that . Maybe I 'll apply at tscribbled by Last month , my husband of 15 years walked away from our marriage , and I am okay with it . In fact , I have done more for myself in the past month than I have in the past 15 years . I am a new woman , with new goals and dreams , and I am going to make sure that I accomplish them all , starting with getting this weight off . I have been struggling with my weight my entire life , and in the past 18 months or so , I have lost 72 pounds . I think that 's pretty awesome . I still have a ways to go , but everyday I get closer to my goal . I realized that taking one step at a time is a little less overwhelming . So this is my journey to a better me . A healthier me . A thinner me . I know I 'm in here somewhere ! I am a single mom to four amazing kids . Ryan is almost 18 . Kasi is 16 . Brandi is 11 . And sweet baby Harper was born July 12 , 2013 . Yeah , life is crazy , but wonderful ! View my complete profile |
I awoke with almost as much pain as I went to bed . I did not feel like getting up . I waited almost 40 minutes to actually get up . I had to feed the cats in the same manner again this morning . Even though I just scooped the cat litter the day before , one of the cats had peed on the floor of the bathroom . I decided that there was no point in scooping the litter again today . It was all I could do to shower , dress , and leave in time . I saw Juan who greeted me with a smile as always . As soon as I saw him , it occurred to me that perhaps he had sent the man I was talking to yesterday . Maybe he wanted to know for sure if I really didn 't have interest or maybe he was trying to set me up . I don 't know and I 'm not going to ask . When we reached the connecting station , he was awake enough to talk . He invited me to his house to meet his wife ! He told her about me and told her that he made a new friend ( me ) . I didn 't have the Spanish words to say that I would like to meet her , but couldn 't today , which I think was when he was inviting me . It made me happy to know that I could be his friend and not have to worry about anything like that ! I like having him as a friend . He talks about concepts more than things , which is the kind of conversation that I like . As we parted at our station because we walked in opposite directions , he wished me a good weekend and a happy birthday . I didn 't understand why , but it was apparent that I wasn 't going to be seeing him on the way home . I was planning on taking the early train after work anyway . I do wonder why , but something about hanging out with him makes me happy in the morning and look forward to a good day at work . Learning Spanish fills my head with good thoughts , mostly entertaining myself with how I would say certain things . There are times when I 'm walking somewhere and I realized that I was mouthing the words ! My day was good , but it was so draining . I 'm not even sure why it was draining , other than a full week with no days where I got a full night 's sleep . By the time it was over , I had absolutely no focus left to do any work after work . I packed everything that I thought I would need for my work over the weekend and walked to the station . I was very tired and tried to remain awake enough . I was afraid of sleeping through my train stop ! I got home and was surprised with a package for my birthday ! My sister had sent me a present . I had asked for one dance pad for my favorite dance game ( the old one had worn out ) and she had bought me two . I immediately felt pangs of loneliness because I knew that nobody would be coming over to join me . I decided to do something to avoid the pangs of loneliness so I took myself out to the movies . I saw A Walk In The Woods . I had greatly enjoyed the book , being a hiker who would one day love to hike the Appalachian Trail . The movie was funny , but I was surprised that they left out some of my favorite parts like when Katz throws half of their supplies off of a cliff . It was a good movie nonetheless . When I got home , I wondered if two old guys like them could hike a significant portion of the AT ( Appalachian Trail ) , maybe I could too . I checked my mail and discovered a card with money from my dad and step - mom and another smaller package from my other sister . It was a compass . It was like it was meant to be ! Maybe it was a sign I should attempt the AT one day . I worked on my book until I fell asleep at my computer around 9 : 30pm . All in all , it was a good birthday . I had students sing to me and the work kept me from brooding . I was also looking forward to tomorrow when some of my friends were having a small gathering to celebrate my birthday . It was really kind of them since Rebecca knew just how lonely I was at times . I actually brushed my teeth this morning . Then I discovered that one of my new fillings had a small piece break off . I 'm hoping that doesn 't mean that I 'm going to have to get another root canal . I don 't have the money and wanted to catch up on my debts rather than accrue more . The morning commute was similar to always . I meditated and watched the sunrise for most of the way while everyone else slept . I exchanged a few sentences with Juan and we parted with a handshake at our stop like we did yesterday . For some reason , those few words and that parting handshake made my day start out right . Maybe just the positive human contact put me into a good enough mood . Whatever it was , I was smiling and my eyes were sparkling as I walked to work . I had a tough day at work . Thursdays are always a tough day for me . It 's just that several of the groups that I teach have a tendency to test my limits and that gets really wearing having to deal with it all day . I stayed late to do more work . I took some of it home with me , but I did some things that I couldn 't do because the train doesn 't have internet . On the way home , I entered the train first and chose a seat with empty seats across from it . To my surprise , Juan kept walking and didn 't sit with me today . I managed to get all of my papers graded , so that was good . Another Spanish - speaking man sat across from me and I was able to speak and understand well enough to have a limited conversation . He told me that he doesn 't speak any English and he had only been in the United States for three years , so I was able to feel good about my abilities ! There was only one part that I couldn 't figure out . He said his wife is at the country he came from , but she is not coming here and he 's not going back there . It 's interesting that one of the first questions I 'm asked is if I have a husband and then I 'm asked if I have a boyfriend . I 'm starting to think that Juan 's comments yesterday were maybe not odd after all ! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend and didn 't have time for one . I also explained about my ex - husband as well as I could . I realized after the fact that I often didn 't ask him the same questions he asked me . I wonder if it 's because I don 't care because I 'm used to looking inwardly so much or because it took me a while to understand every sentence he uttered . I spent so much of my life being so self - involved , it 's a bit of a struggle to show interest in others . It 's not that I wasn 't interested in them , it 's just that I have had to keep so much attention on my emotions and focusing on keeping them in check , that I didn 't have much energy left to pay attention to others . It was more out of necessity until recently . I seem to be out of depression now long enough to pull my head out of my ass long enough to show interest in others . It 's still an upward battle . It 's not that I don 't have interest , but I need to learn how to show interest , express sympathy , and to " be there " for someone . I know that sounds weird , but I really am not good at those sorts of things . I like to think that intent is important and so I try , but I 'm unsure how often I succeed . When I got home , I had no energy for anything . I was grateful to have nothing to do after work , but was too exhausted to do anything . I watched some tv and chatted a bit online with Jack . When I got up from the couch , my back was worse than anything it had been since maybe February or March . It hurt this morning when I woke up , but the sharp pains were back when I tried to move . I cried a tear or two because I couldn 't bend down to pick up their bowls for feeding , Then I realized if I just took the lid off of the can of wet food and tossed it to the floor , they could just lick out the food . I still felt badly , not so much because of the pain , but because it impeded my ability to have a nice apartment and take care of my cats . I went to bed hoping that sleep would help with the pain . I woke up before my alarm , but once it went off , I wanted to sleep a little more . It seems odd . I had a good day at work , albeit less productive than I would like . I stayed late to get more work done and , perhaps , to try and catch the same train as Juan . We chatted on the way home again . It makes the train ride go so quickly . I began remembering more words , but I still didn 't have enough of them to accurately talk as I would like . We chatted about my ex - husband . I was able to say that I left because he didn 't give me attention , which is accurate enough and that he now lives with his girlfriend . He seemed surprised that he wouldn 't give me attention and told me that I was beautiful and he was crazy . He asked me if I had a boyfriend . Again , I didn 't have the words , so I simply said that I didn 't want one now and that I really didn 't have the time anyway . He told me about his wife and his three kids . How he likes to make her laugh and keep her happy . I told him that it was good to keep his wife happy . Then he complimented my eyes , " As a friend , " he said . But he always said he was very happy with his wife , so I let it go . He told me if he had met me when he was young he might be my boyfriend . The red flags went up and I told him that he wouldn 't like me when I was young because I was a little crazy ( loco en la cabeza ) . I started to get worried that he was after something other than friendship , but he always talked about his wife and how happy they were , so I hope I 'm just reading too much into things . When I got off the train , I drove to Chandra 's house . I had my dose of spirituality , but I didn 't end up even really hearing anything she said . It felt like a wasted trip . Well , I suppose it wasn 't entirely wasted because I still ended up meditating . I couldn 't stay long because I had to be home to go to sleep on time . I still didn 't end up at home on time anyway . I stayed up and perused facebook for a little while , but not as long as usual . I read Jack 's latest blog entry . One thing that struck me was how he talked about how he perpetuates his cycle of relationship because of the type of person he is apparently drawn to . I saw that I was drawn to nice guys who are a little crazy . I don 't mind a little crazy , I suppose , but the manner of the crazy that they are DOES matter . I also realized that once I was finally able to rid myself of my manipulative behaviors , that I was the one who was taken advantage of . To be fair , it took me longer than I though to to rid myself of my manipulative behaviors . So how do I not be manipulative and not get taken advantage of ? I awoke before my alarm this morning with a long to - do list on my mind . I had neglected the care of my apartment since I started back at work and it 's really started to show . I can 't let my cats in my bedroom because it 's too messy . I 'm afraid my one cat will throw up on all the clothes I have on the floor . My main room is full of cat puke that has not been cleaned , dishes that have not been washed , and recycling and garbage that needs to be taken out . The bathroom is not much better . I neglected to scoop my cat 's litter and so one of them peed on the floor . I was just about to get up early to try and attend to some of those issues when my alarm went off . For some reason when my alarm went off , I was suddenly sleepy and kept hitting the snooze button over and over . I still made it to the early train on time though , even with a quick shower . While I waited for the connecting train , a man started a conversation with me . We talked briefly , but it was difficult to understand him , both because of his accent and the passing trains . Still , it was nice to have human contact . I had a good day at work . I love the group of students I worked with today . At all ages , they were so respectful and seemed to have a desire to learn my subject . They didn 't have the disdain for special subjects that many students do . I had a lot of fun with them and even my older students left saying how fun the lesson was ! It really gave me the motivation to try and make fun lessons for the future ! On the way home , the same man started chatting with me again . His name is Juan and he was from Ecuador and was working on his English . He offered to help me with my Spanish . My pronunciation is good , but my memory for words and grammar is not . He was very patient and I fear I learned more than he did . We talked in English and Spanish the entire train ride home . It was nice to make a friend . Then I went over to Christine 's house . I told her I was going to lend her a book , so I brought it over . I completely forgot that she needed to return some Tupperware that I had let her borrow . We hung and chatted for about two hours before I left . When I got home , even though it was time for bed , I stayed up and cleaned my bedroom so my cats could sleep in there with me again . It was nice . I felt like I was really not spending any time with them recently and it was nice to have a clean bedroom again ! It was amazing that something I had put off for that long took so little time ! I went online and saw Jack 's latest blog entry . He writes well and I really related with a lot of what he said of his ex . She did a lot of similar things that my ex did , just in different ways . Except for one . He had complained about being made to do more work around the house . I feel like I may have done that to my ex - husband . Not because I was lazy , but because my depression was at an all - time high while I was living with him , so I had no energy or desire to do any work . I wonder if it looked like I was manipulating him . I suppose it 's a moot point now . I 'll just have to remember it so I can fix it in whatever relationship I enter in to the future . I awoke at midnight then again at 3am . Then I awoke with my alarm clock with the remnants of a dream still in my head . In it I encountered several of my exes . Then I was awakened by a guy I didn 't know well , but who wanted me to skip work to have sex with him . I looked at the clock and discovered that I was already two hours late for work . That 's when the guy told me the clock was an hour off , but I was still an hour late . I rushed to get there as soon as I could . He was annoyed that I wouldn 't skip work to be with him . I suspected he wasn 't coming back , but I didn 't care much . All I really had time to do this morning was to make the food I had planned to make last night so I would have food for lunch . I brought extra to have for a late breakfast at work . I missed the first train . Then I got on the wrong connector train . It dropped me off one station too soon because it became an express train . When I got to that station , the train I was supposed to take was parked in the station , but didn 't realize I was supposed to take it until after it left . So I waited a while for another train , but thankfully made it to the school with maybe five minutes to spare . My day was good . All of my students were well - behaved and many remembered a lot from last year , which was always gratifying . Even so , by the end of school , I was exhausted . I slept on the train on the way home , in stark contrast to all those who sleep in the morning , I sleep in the afternoon ! When I got home , I went straight to my room , intent on taking a nap . I checked facebook and saw that I had three messages waiting for me . One was just from someone who had sent me a friend request . Another was from Frank , who , in yesterday 's loneliness , I simply messaged with a " hey " . Seeing as the last time we spoke was when I messaged him last about two weeks ago , I didn 't expect much of a reply . Not only has he picked up hiking , but he has started to collect the gear for backpacking too ! We chatted entirely about backpacking gear until I mentioned possibly getting together to backpack . Then he didn 't respond . The last facebook message was from Jack . Because he and his girlfriend broke up and I knew he was having a hard time , I usually make sure to ask him how he 's doing every few days . Usually he doesn 't respond much . Today was different . He started a blog about his healing process and asked me to read it . I guess the contents surprised me so much that I really didn 't realize how well it was written until I perused it again later . He had a really shit time with his ex and I found myself empathizing with him a lot . After considering it , I decided to tell him about this blog . That brings the friends of mine who know about it up to two . He kept complimenting how well - written it was ! It made me feel good about it , especially since after writing for 9 months I only really have about 20 followers . We talked a lot . While I knew his ex - girlfriend was a bitch , the depths of her assholity still astounded me . I still maintain that it 's good for him to be rid of her , despite the fact that he will have a lot of recovering to do . The conversation turned to waning sex lives , me with my ex - husband , him with his ex - girlfriend and the topic turned to sex . I was a little reluctant to chat about it . While I have absolutely no qualms talking about sex with friends , I have found that sometimes male friends assume that when you talk to them about sex that it means you want to have sex with them . But I figured he was still so wounded that it shouldn 't be a problem . If it is , I 'll address it when it comes up . I did enjoy talking with him . It gave me hope that this little blog might not be for naught . Just when I was about to go to bed , my friend Greg messaged me . Greg and I had met in college and were friends on and off ever since . He and his wife had broken up for a few years now and he 's been interested in me . I don 't have interest in him , but still want to remain friends . At a time when I was seriously looking for someone , I wondered why I had no interest in him . I couldn 't figure it out for a long time , until today . There is absolutely no joy in his life . There 's nothing that he loves . He makes snarky comments about everyone and everything , but I think he actually means everything he says . His is a sad existence where intelligence and snarky comments are the only life forms . Don 't get me wrong , I couldn 't date a guy without intelligence and am often amused by snarky comments , but when that 's his whole life . I couldn 't imagine living like that or with someone like that ( again ) . I had to be up early today . A friend of mine had convinced me to take a trail maintenance class to see what I 'd have to do if I actually chose to maintain a trail . It turned out that I learned more than I thought with that trail crew . The main thing I learned was to what extent I would take care of the trail and what I have to report to my supervisor to have someone else take care of . There were two guys there . One I had gone to high school with his older brother ( and had a huge crush on him the entire time I was there , but I didn 't mention that ) . The other one seemed a bit older than me . I immediately found myself back in my old ways and started thinking which one I would want if I could have both and fancied that the older one liked me because he kept looking at me . As such , I was disappointed when we left and neither had asked for my contact information . That 's what I get for going back to my old ways and expecting things ! When I got home I again felt lonely because my expectations weren 't met . I unfriended a few people on Facebook who I no longer considered friends , including my ex - husband . When I get the money together for a divorce I know how to find him . I wasted at least 3 hours on there . I didn 't even get to bed on time because of it . I stayed up later than I intended and went to bed too late to get a full night 's sleep . I was very tired . Even though I " slept in " until 7 : 30 , I still woke up feeling exhausted . I was volunteered to organize a trail running event and today was the day . I was very nervous because there 's a lot of rules and regulations for organizing that sort of thing and I was afraid that there was something that I didn 't take into consideration . I had a small turnout , but everything went well . The only thing that happened that I was not prepared for was having to be the one to announce the winners and hand out the prizes . There were mostly acquaintances of mine there . However , I found myself alone nearer to the end of the day when my responsibilities were waning . It seemed like everybody there had come there with a significant other . A few of them made small talk , but that was about it . There was a group dinner planned and I had even already paid into it , so I didn 't have to worry about money . However , I was so tired that I just went home . My plan was to take a nap , but I started feeling lonely considering I was surrounded by acquaintances all day and really didn 't end up hanging out with anybody . I think feeling alone in a crowd is worse than feeling it when you are alone . I checked my messages on my phone and saw that my mom and Rebecca had both called . My mom just wanted to know how I was . Rebecca has been trying to get me to attend a spiritual retreat that costs a significant amount of money . She asked me for all of my information and applied for a scholarship for me . She asked how I was doing and I told her I was purposely trying not to date . I told her it had gone well for a few weeks , but that even though I really don 't have the time to date anyone , I 'm still lonely . I wasn 't sure if it was just the lack of friends or the lack of someone to wake up next to . She listened , but when I asked how she was , she gave a few generic sentences and told me she should get going to cook dinner . The feeling of loneliness pervaded after I so I went on facebook to " alleviate " my suffering . It didn 't work . It just made me go to bed later than I wanted to . Mood and temperament : My mood fluctuated a lot . I was overtired and therefore overemotional . Somethings small didn 't go as planned , so I found myself on the verge of tears a few times . The mood did improve as the day went on . My temperament was good . I awoke a few times before my alarm clock . Every time I stretched , my back complained . I wondered if it was the donuts or the fast food I ate . I couldn 't figure out what else would cause it , since it had just rained . Instead of instantly getting up and making my breakfast , I stayed in my room and distracted myself with the internet . I watched a video about how preoccupied young girls are with how they look . It took a look at the fact that so many young teenagers were posting videos to youtube to ask the world if they were pretty and some of the comments trolls were posting on them . It talked about how girls that perceive themselves as ugly did poorer in academics . It told a story of a woman who worked in corporate America , who had put together an awesome presentation , but all her boss did was comment on how nice she looked that day . It talked about how young girls are bombarded with images of sized 0 models and airbrushed magazines , who couldn 't tell the difference between real and re - touched photographs of women . Of girls whose self - esteem rides on how many likes they get . In a time where what their peers think is so important to them the images and feedback they receive is telling them that they are not good enough . I felt sad for girls and women who do not feel that they are good enough . But the problem seems so large ! How does one combat the images of Hollywood , the media , magazines , the internet , plus a world that has been trained to believe that a woman 's worth lies in her looks ? Then I thought about Frank who still hasn 't messaged me yet . I thought about all of the guys in the past year who had interest in me , but changed their minds . None of them really talked to me afterwards , except my ex - boyfriend who dumped me on New Years Day . Were they all just interested in my looks ? One would think if they liked me for my mind that they would still talk to me . I started to get angry . Maybe they 're just not as evolved as me . Sure , looks are what draws me in , but personality can make a man more or less attractive to me than they originally were . I had never looked twice at Frank during the years I have known him until I actually got to know him . But clearly it was all about my looks for him . Now I have talked about my looks a lot today , so I suppose I should address them . I am still about 50lbs overweight . I have a pretty face and nice eyes . Unlike most teenagers , I never gave my looks much thought as a child . I was rail - thin as a child and only put on some weight when I hit puberty . I grew hips and a chest around the typical age . I never thought about my looks at all until one day my mother told me I should do a few more sit - ups before wearing that out of the house . I changed my clothes and started paying attention to how my stomach looked . I compared it with hers , which was much larger . As an adult , I can see my mentally - unstable mother projecting her insecurities on to me . As a child , I thought there was something wrong with my stomach . After that , I stopped wearing bikinis and always took pains to keep it covered . Even so , unless I was swimming somewhere or wearing a skin - tight top , I never really thought about my looks . I had grown into an hour - glass shape that would have been very pleasing in the 1950s or ' 60s . In an age where thin was in , I realized that I didn 't look like them , but it didn 't affect me much . It 's entirely possible that I was too depressed to notice . By the time I was 13 years old , I started self - harming . I knew , instinctively that something wasn 't right , that I wasn 't like everyone else , but I had no idea why . By 14 I had started fooling around with boys . By 15 I was using marijuana recreationally . At 17 I started seeing a counselor the county installed at the school . I went there about once a week during my lunch and told her everything . I told her I cut myself , I told her I smoked weed , I talked about boys constantly , and about how I didn 't like how my stomach looked . By the end of the year , I asked her if she knew what was wrong with me , because I knew something was wrong with me . After giving me the whole spiel about how she wasn 't a psychiatrist , she thought I was anorexic . That was laughable . I couldn 't adhere to a " diet " , much less go without eatinFor years , the only issue I had with my body was my stomach . In my senior year of college I went shopping for a dress for a dance with one of my few female friends . I found a dress that I LOVED and despite the fact that it was mostly made of velvety spandex , it made my stomach look good . She told me what large hips I had . I looked in the mirror and realized it was true . My hips were significantly larger than the rest of me . Then I thought about it . Never in my life had I ever heard anything in any media form stating that big hips were bad . Big stomachs , yes . Big thighs , yes . Big butts , there seemed to be a debate . But never anything about big hips . I had decided that big hips were okay . Later in life , I have had guys commented on how they liked my big hips and the contrast of my smaller waist . How many years later , I still don 't like my stomach , but it has never become a preoccupation for me . That 's it ! I always had something else in my life that was more important than how I looked . It might have been my depression or my books ( I loved to read as a child ) . It might have been my art or my music . I never had many friends growing up , but I wondered if I did would it have helped or hindered me . Well , I guess there 's no way to know ! I also checked my bank account balance online . I had a negative balance . I had accrued $ 105 in " negative balance fees " over about $ 80 in purchases . Wtf ! ? So I don 't have any money , so the bank is going to charge me more money ! ? Who says there isn 't such a thing as a " poverty tax " ! ? So now , instead of catching up on my bills when I get paid again , which have fallen sadly behind , I will have to pay the $ - 185 instead of just the $ 80 I spent by accident . Seriously , if anyone knows of a bank that doesn 't charge a " negative balance fee " , they will have my business . If I had any money , I 'd start one . Big businesses seem to no longer even care about the consumer , but seem to try to get as much money as they can get away with . It 's sad . It 's sick . If someone eats as much food as they possibly could every time they sat down , people would say there 's something wrong with them . If people hoard their possessions , people would say something 's wrong with them . But hoarding money is not only considered acceptable , but smart ; prudent even . Today my alarm clock felt like it scared me out of sleep . I again hit the snooze button several times . It had been so hot and sticky the past few days that not showering wasn 't an option . I needed to smell decently for my job . I showered , made myself a quick breakfast , and left for the train station . It was raining when I arrived , but luckily I brought my umbrella . Today was my first day of classes and I had mostly my older students . I like teaching older students because I can go over more advanced concepts . However , they 're at that age where they push the boundries of the rules . I assigned a detention in each class . Once each class saw one student get detention , they were very well behaved . It seemed like as soon as they figured out where my limits were at , they were fine . It was still a stressful day , but I can 't figure out quite why . Maybe it 's because I 'm so tired . Maybe because I broke my diet and ate four donuts that someone had left in the teachers room . As I made my way back home , I discovered that my thighs were really starting to hurt . Because I had worn skirts the past two days , it was really humid outside , and I had done a fair amount of walking , my thighs rubbed together and I got " runner 's rash " , It was really starting to be painful , so I resolved to wear pants tomorrow . I preferred wearing skirts . They were more flattering and I walked in a more feminine way . I know that sounds strange , but there are certain ways one is expected to look and walk as a teacher and my " no - nonsense , masculine " stride that I adopt when I wear pants is apparently " un - teacher - like " . When I got home , I perused facebook for a little while and an event happened that caused me to realize that I was not out of the woods yet as far as my interest in guys and dating was concerned . I still managed to get to sleep before 8pm , which was the time I would need to sleep if I wanted to get 8 hours . Today was my first day of work . I knew I hadn 't gotten enough sleep and hit the snooze bar several times . I had to skip breakfast , but I still managed to get to the train station on time . Today was the first day with students , but they were to stay with their homeroom teachers , so I decided to use the time as well as I could and get as much as I could accomplished . I also spent a little time on facebook . A friend of mine posted a meme that said " 8 hours for work , 8 hours for sleep , and 8 hours for what you will . I thought about that . I work for almost exactly 8 hours . The school day is shorter , but I arrive early . I try to sleep for 8 hours . What do I spend the other 8 hours doing ? I realized I have 3 hours of commute time , which can be spent doing any activity that I can accomplish sitting on a train . I usually spend 40 minutes in the morning meditating and the rest of my morning commute working on typing up the previous day for my blog . The afternoon commute is usually spent working on my to - do list , either for home or for work . I also spend 0 . 5 hours walking to and from work , but I count this as exercise and time spent in nature . I have 1 . 5 hours in the morning ( if I get out of bed immediately ) . I spend that time showering , cleaning the cat 's litter , making breakfast , doing dishes , packing my bags and otherwise preparing for the day . That leaves approximately 3 hours after I get home before I 'm supposed to go to sleep . This is the most underutilized portion of my day . Usually I 'm too exhausted to do anything . Sometimes I don 't even eat dinner , I just stare at the tv or the computer screen until it 's time for bed . Speaking of exhausted , my afternoon was filled with yet another professional development lecture . When I arrived , I found that most of the seats were full . I asked one teacher who had an empty seat next to her and she said someone was sitting there . I asked another teacher who said she was saving that seat for someone . Saving the seat ? What was she , 13 ? And even if she was , by the time she gets to be an adult , she should at least have the tact to just say someone else was sitting there . I ended up in a seat next to my principal . After sitting through the first hour , I started to nod off . I don 't think it was perceptible , but I got up , went to the bathroom , got a drink , and tried to wake myself up again . It just didn 't look good to have me falling asleep during these things . It 's unprofessional . There are many good looking guys out there . On the train , there have been several times where I saw a guy and said to myself , " I 'd hit that ! " I also finally understood the phrase " There are plenty of fish in the sea " . There are plenty of good - looking guys out there . I wondered how many guys there were who were good - looking on the inside . I also understood how much people isolated themselves on the commuter train that I take . I wondered why . Many sleep in the morning . In the afternoon they involve themselves with their headphones or their smartphone . I wondered if they were afraid of strangers or content solely with those they already knew . When I got back , I went to Chandra 's house . As I tried to meditate , all I could think of was the married friend of mine . Just thinking of him made me horny just like it did yesterday . I do not like him in the sense that I want to date him . I also questioned the validity of his claim that he had his wife 's permission . I have two choices : 1 . Tell him I do not want to sleep with him anymore . 2 . Open up to him enough to teach him how to please me . But the possibilities exists that if I open up , I could care and / or get hurt . I stayed at Chandra 's house late because I told her I would help her type out a mass e - mail since I can type so quickly and I wasn 't going to see her again until Monday . It 's not that I minded helping her with it , but I minded getting home late . When I got home , I went straight to bed . |
I was blowing the snow out of my mother 's driveway with my little electric snowblower when I realized I am in love with my jacket ! This humongous neon pink jacket has been my winter jacket for three winters now - and that 's the first time I 've kept a winter jacket for any length of time . I used to have lots of jackets , one for every outfit . Of course , that was back when I practically lived outdoors - when I was skiing every weekend , and also when I was giving riding lessons outdoors all winter - but I never had a great jacket like this one . I don 't stay outside for hours on end like I used to , but when I have been outdoors with this jacket on I have never been cold . I can take the dogs outside for a 4AM nature call , zip myself into my jacket , throw up the hood and fasten it with the little toggles on elastics that seal my collar closed , and I can walk around with the dogs without really waking up . It 's like being in a big roomy walking sleeping bag . The jacket came with a funny little black hat that 's probably made out of some space age kind of fleece because I 've never been cold wearing it , and strangely , I haven 't lost it either . The jacket has great pockets , two on the outside and two on the inside . When I bought the jacket , I thought I 'd use one inside pocket for my cell phone , but I 've decided to keep on storing the cell phone in my jeans pocket so I don 't forget about it and leave it in my jacket . The left hand outside pocket holds my head lamp , a great little tool that I can wear over my black hat and under my hood when I walk Blue in the middle of the night - she 's totally blind in the dark , but a little light gives her a little sight . I also use the headlamp at the farm - for checking in feed bags before I plunge my hand in ( yes , I did once reach in without looking and encountered the soft fuzzy back of a mouse - in a building surrounded by two dozen cats ! ) , for seeing in the indoor riding arena where I hay the horses while the florescent lights are trying to warm up enough to light up the building , and fPosted by I finally figured out why Gibby is very important . Today was a helluva day . My mother woke up feeling fine this morning . She ate her cereal and was cheerful and pleasant - then she drank her orange juice and the world turned upside down . I think it was the acid in the orange juice . I 've been buying acid - free orange juice , but last week I went to Costco and saw a good deal on 10 ounce bottles of orange juice . I thought the little bottles would be great for Mother , who usually sips at any drink for hours on end - so , I bought a case . I tried a bottle on the way home and immediately felt sick to my stomach . I took some antacids and felt a little better , and then took antacids all day . Since I have GERD , I figured that orange juice just wasn 't for me - so I gave it to my mother . Mother felt sick almost right away . I gave her some pills for her stomach and thought she 'd be better soon . Wrong . At lunchtime , I gave her some homemade chicken vegetable noodle soup , and she ate a few sips . Then she told me , " I have smallpox , isn 't the doctor coming ? " Well , there 's no way to explain to Mother that doctors don 't make house calls anymore , but I did tell her she couldn 't have smallpox , that she had been vaccinated . My mother likes to argue , especially when she doesn 't feel well , and today qualified . She was argumentative for the rest of the day . When it was time to go to the farm , I was so exhausted I even thought about not going . I postponed the time to go and took a quick nap for half an hour - with only a few interruptions from Mother asking for a kleenex , her electric " cart " , and her blankets . When I finally left for the farm , I was grinding my teeth with exhaustion and irritation both with my mother and myself . I began to relax the minute I saw the cat on the farm driveway gatepost , but I really relaxed when I saw Gibby . I think all of his frolicking and running and chasing in the snow is so funny , and I think he enjoys my thinking that - if I really watch him , he gets funnier . After a few minutes of watching Gibby make himsePosted by Gibby seems to have put on some weight , he certainly looks very different from the rib - showing pound dog who first came to the farm . This is the picture of him I see every day when he 's asking me to throw sticks for him to catch . This " Serious Dog " is the dog I see every time I walk away to go take care of cats or chickens . No matter how long I play with him , it 's never long enough - for Gibby or for me . This picture is pretty dark because the sun was going down , but it shows Gibby on his fifty foot run - he plays tag with that tree , then turns and runs as fast as he can back to me . I never know how these runs will end , will he run past me , slide on the ice at my feet , or do one of his spectacular leaps in the air . This one ended with a slide and a rapid turn around for another run . This picture might give you some idea how fast Gibby is moving - he 's going so fast , his back legs have disappeared . While Gibby is racing around , George is calmly walking around , wagging his tail , and eating snow . Some people grow roses in January , but these photos show what we grow here in Michigan . Gibby the snow plow , has a rather frightening new trick - when I 'm standing on the back step , he flies around the yard with snow flying everywhere and then aims straight at me at full speed and stops by leaping straight up in the air - right in my face ! Whew ! If his aim was a little off . . . ninety pounds flying too fast to imagine - if he hit me at shoulder level I 'd be going back into the house through the porch door , the kitchen door , the dining room doorway , and I 'd probably end up falling over the coffee table in the living room - or , if I was lucky , I 'd land on the quilts and pillows and couch cushions Gibby has piled on the living room floor . The dogs were all sniffing around very seriously today and I didn 't know why until I ran into my friend Bobby in the grocery store . Bobby is the man who hunts with his grandson in my woods . He was very pleased to tell me he was at the farm today and walked all the way back to the woods - it must have taken forever because the snow is at least knee deep and more like waist deep where it 's drifted . He had his big black dog with him - Scrappy is sort of a rotweiler / pit bull and a marvelous dog . They got within about five feet of a deer and the deer didn 't notice them , and the dog didn 't notice the deer . That happened twice before they got to the woods - and then , in the woods , he saw at least a " thousand deer tracks " . I thought deer " yarded up " when the snow is deep , but apparently that 's not always true . I can 't get back to the woods these days , so it 's nice to have a report on it - and now I know why all the dogs were so " sniffy " . At one point , when I came out of the barn , I thought I had lost Gibby . He wasn 't barking and I couldn 't see him anywhere . All kinds of horrible thoughts ran through my mind , the worst being that I had left the driveway gate open and maybe Gibby had run out to the road . The other dogs were perfectly calm , which didn 't make sense if Gibby was somehow running around loose . I looked all over , then it turned out he was sniffing the ground over on the otPosted by The last dog to join the pack before Gibby was Patches . Patches had a pretty bad start in life , and it was my fault . Patches was one of Blue 's puppies . I sold her to some really bad people . A grandmother came to the store when there was only one puppy left and begged me to sell the puppy to her for her grandson . She lived just two blocks away from the store and was a cousin of one of my friends . I was a little reluctant to deal with her because there seemed to be some kind of custody problems with the grandson , but I finally agreed and she gave me a down payment and named the puppy Patches . She gave me another $ 25 a month later , and then I saw her no more . Almost a year later , I heard some of her relatives telling my friend what a horrible situation it was . The poor puppy was kept in the basement all of the time . The grandmother never went into the basement and the grandson never cleaned up after the puppy . The clincher was that the grandmother was running a daycare center upstairs - and the basement stench was reaching the little children . I had some friendly customers in the store when we heard the story , one of whom had been one of my weaving students , and they offered to go get the puppy . I thought they would bring Patches to me , but they didn 't , they took her home . They told me they had decided to keep her . A year later , I got a really strange call from them . They said Patches was at the county dog pound and was about to be put to sleep . They said they had moved and had given Patches to a neighbor whose little boy was wheelchair bound and in love with Patches . They said they just happened to be walking through the pound , something they did every once in a while like other people visit a zoo - and anyway , they were leaving for Texas in an hour and would I take Patches ? Of course I took Patches . It turned out that they had abandoned the poor dog almost right after they took her . She had been living wild for a year . One of her survival techniques was stealing chickens from the people who finally trapped her and Posted by Gibby has a lot more room to run now with his fifty foot long rope instead of the shorter cable . He showed off beautifully tonight . My across - the - road neighbor was already there and plowing when I got to the farm today . He seems to really like Gibby , and Gibby likes him . Gibby had tangled his new yellow rope and his old red cable around the big stick that is his only stick big enough to show up through the snow , and Jim saw me getting in trouble trying to untangle it while Gibby tried to take the stick away . I had the rope wrapped several times around my legs and Gibby was almost chewing on my hands while he was yanking on the stick . Jim came to our rescue , got the stick free , and then stopped to talk for a couple minutes . Gibby then did something that at first looked dangerous and rough , and then proved to be marvelously obedient . He took a flying run at Jim , skidded to a stop , flung his body in a half circle , and sat right next to Jim 's right leg . He sat long enough to be petted , and then did the same thing to me . It looked like a very practiced trick , but I never saw him do it before . When he sat next to me , he leaned into me for petting the same way George does . I had to say that he 's really a beautiful dog . Jim said he was training some of his dogs to be sled dogs and I thought Gibby would be a perfect sled dog . He doesn 't seem to mind the cold at all . He has a thick coat but doesn 't have long hair to get tangled with ice balls , and he is extremely powerful - he could probably pull a big freight sled all by himself . Maybe next summer I 'll teach him to pull my tricycle . I had a strange trip home from the farm . The snow was falling in increasingly large flakes , the sun had gone down , and with the dark trees on both sides of the road , I felt like I was driving through a dark tunnel . Very few other people were foolish enough to be out on the roads . Blue must have sensed there was something a little eerie , she came into the front seat and reached her head over to touch my hand . I had cleared the driveway before I Posted by I guess the cold has me thinking more about the old days , with the old dogs . Down at the farm , a bitter cold day like today , with temperatures below zero , would be a huge challenge from sunup to sundown . The biggest challenges were always keeping the dogs warm and having water for the horses . So far , I 've been terribly lucky that all of the systems at the farm are giving no trouble - of course , it has taken years of hard work and bushels of money to get the systems to this point . The new furnace in the old house this year was one of those things that had to be done . This furnace is at least the fifth I 've had in the house since I moved in . I started with a great big old coal furnace from the thirties that had been converted to an oil furnace . The old coal bin holds the oil tank - which probably still holds a lot of oil . The house was always cold so I supplemented the heat with kerosene heaters and a woodstove - it seemed like I spent most of my free time filling kerosene containers or chopping wood . I broke the pick - up truck springs year after year by overloading it with firewood . Then , about 25 years ago I had the old furnace , and the asbestos it was wrapped in , removed and replaced it with a new oil furnace . I had an oil delivery man for many years who made sure I never ran out of oil and I had heat and no worries . When that great guy retired , I had problem after problem . On the coldest nights - like the ones this week - I would find myself up at the gas station filling a can with diesel fuel for the furnace . I learned that I could heat the house for a night and a day with a 5 gallon can of diesel fuel . That new furnace couldn 't survive the spring flooding . Every spring , my basement would leak so badly that the sump pump couldn 't keep up with it and the furnace pilot light would go out . So , one of the horse boarders worked in the plant department at the university in Ann Arbor - which meant he installed and inspected furnaces every day . He talked a buddy into installing a commercial gas furnace in my basement . TPosted by After writing the last post earlier today , I 've been thinking about the old dogs , I realized I should explain who Ben was - since I have described him as my " lifetime dog " . Ben was the dog who came to school . I was teaching in a Title I program with my classroom being the first one in the hallway near the front door . My program covered all the grades in the building ( plus two parochial schools ) so I knew almost all of the students in the school . One morning , right after the doors opened , I heard a ruckus in the hallway . I went to the door to see what it was about , and discovered that some of the older boys had let a dog into the hallway . I took one look at the scrawny little mutt and felt an instant connection . It was the middle of a very cold winter , and this dog had come inside with ice balls in his paws and ice hanging on his face . He was so thin all of his ribs were showing , and he was so tired that he almost fell asleep in my arms the minute I picked him up . I had a little reading corner in my classroom , furnished with a couch and comfortable chairs and a nice rug . I placed the dog in the middle of that rug and almost ran down the hallway to the kitchen . The cook was a good friend who quickly gave in to my begging and gave me a carton of milk for the dog . When I got back to the classroom , he was fast asleep right where I 'd put him down . I left him on the rug through my first class . I had a small group of three boys who were all pleased to work on computers and stay out of the reading corner . The boys already knew about the dog , one of them was probably the joker who originally brought the dog into the school . While the boys were working , I gave the dog a close lookover and found that , in addition to looking starved , he had some almost healed creases across his head and rump . They looked like bullet creases . It wasn 't long before our principal , Mr . Miller , came to the door and told me I couldn 't keep the dog in my classroom . I moved the poor little guy to the teachers lounge . He stayed there quietly through myPosted by I haven 't told you much about my dog Blue . Blue is an Australian Cattle Dog ( known as ACD ) . She 's twelve years old and has been with me since she was a puppy . Before Blue came to live with me , something was attacking the cats on the farm . I was outside in the barnyard one day when the attacker got into a fight with my alpha cat . I heard the high pitched cries and ran to the rescue . I saw the spotted attack dog and chased him away . Unfortunately , he ran across the road toward the pasture where he lived in an underground den . He was hit by a fast moving truck and spun , on his back , half a mile down the road . I tried to get help from the truck driver so I could run for a blanket , but the driver took off and so did the dog ! I figured if a dog could survive being hit on that road , that was the kind of dog for me . Over the years , I had lost a lot of pets to the speeding drivers . A woman who had been feeding horses and giving riding lessons on the farm had the most beautiful dog I had ever seen . He was about the size of a dalmatian , but had ACD coloring and was supposed to be a cattle dog , so I had already learned a little about that breed and I recognized the spinning dog as an ACD . The breed had been developed to be tough enough to herd cattle by jumping right at them and maybe speeding trucks aren 't too much tougher than an angry bull . People who breed and show Quarter Horses seem to collect animals that are the " in " animal to have . The " in " dog for a long time had been the Australian Shepherd , and I really enjoyed watching the cowboys walking around with those blue - eyed dogs following at their heels , but a new breed , the ACD , was moving in on the Aussies . Once a year , there 's a huge ten day American Quarter Horse show in Columbus , Ohio . I had made it down to that show for at least a few days for twenty years , but in 1996 I was still teaching school , running the farm with a little help , and running the antique shop in Hamburg by myself , so I knew I couldn 't go to the show . Two years before I had brought a wonderful litPosted by This puppy photo from Joan Dwyer looks like Gibby , but it isn 't . I think this must be what Gibby looked like when he was just a puppy . I wish I knew who had him when he was so little - how could anyone have lost him - they must have had him from puppyhood like this until he was two years old - probably a very gawky two year old , but I just can 't imagine him running away . Then those people with the other male dog found him and kept him for a year - I bet that other male dog was his pal , even though the people said they were fighting . Seems to me they would have been more likely to be fighting at the beginning of the year , not the end . He 's such a loving dog , it 's hard to imagine he 's already lost two families . Anyway , I 'm really glad the doggy door has been installed . The farm is snowed in , I couldn 't even get close to it today . I got out as far as the grocery store , where I ran into the appraiser who works in my township office . She told me there must be at least ten inches of snow in my driveway and I wouldn 't have a chance of getting in . Since I 'd had such a hard time getting to the grocery store , I turned around and went back to my mother 's house . When I got there , even though I 'd cleared the driveway three times today , snow had filled the driveway and I couldn 't get up the hill . For the first time this winter , I had to park the car on the lower drive - out too close to the end . I 'm afraid the snowplow will have it buried by morning . My very kind neighbor installed Gibby 's doggy door , so I am no longer heating the great out doors with my new furnace . I bought the largest door available at Tractor Supply , the one that shows a dalmatian on the package . We wondered if maybe it was too small for Gibby the Giant , but no worries there - Gibby gets into the house just as fast as he did before - just as fast and not quite as noisy . Gibby has been collecting - he finds things inside and brings them outside . I first noticed his collectability when I saw the last roll of toilet paper out in the dog pen . The next day , a bright spot of red turned into a silk scarf I had brought from China . It was still in the original plastic bag without a single mark on it . Then I found a Mexican doll . One black work boot . A water bottle . A plastic box . A skein of yarn . A book . I 've almost started to look forward to seeing what will be next . Gibby also has a huge collection of sticks . The wind has been generous , lots of sticks down and most of them right in the yard behind the house . Only a couple sticks have fallen into Gibby 's pen and only a few really large logs have fallen - luckily not on the house , although one is leaning against the house . Gibby has a couple of sticks that are so big , both long and thick , that I have to run fast when he comes toward me with one in his mouth - I really don 't want to have one of those sticks run into me . Gibby almost got away today . I had just let him into the yard when I realized he was running too far away . He had gone behind the trailer , on the far side of where the cattle dogs were tied . I knew I had clipped the cable to his collar . I have been making him sit until I have it clipped and tell him it 's okay to go . Then I saw the cable flying out behind him - for a short distance , then nothing . Somehow he had snapped the cable . I 'll have to check at the Tractor Store , I 'm pretty sure I remember that the cable was supposed to hold 2500 pounds - I can 't imagine that Gibby could have applied more pressure than that just by running full tPosted by |
We all know that we 're in for some snow tomorrow . And with the snow , school 's will close , places won 't stay open as late as normal , activities are postponed , and churches cancel their services . You can always guarantee that whether there is rain , snow , ice , or sun , our church will be meeting together . Even if there is a blizzard , with snow drifting across the roads making it impossible to see , there will be someone meeting at our church . A couple weeks ago , when we had our last snow storm , the kids and I stayed home from church . Ariel was home sick from school that day , and Gabe had stayed home sick the day before , Zechariah was losing his voice , and I felt like they needed to be at home for the evening and not out in a big winter storm . It 's a huge disappointment in our home when we 're not able to attend church . My kids live for these moments when they get to meet together with their friends , learning about God . I couldn 't bear their disappointment , so I told them , even though it 's a blizzard outside , and we 're stuck at home sick , we are the church . We can have church right here in our home . The kids were so excited ! They couldn 't wait for dinner to end so we could be the church . We all made sure our hair was brushed , our clothes looked nice , and Ariel applied her lipstick . We were ready ! At 6 : 30pm we promptly began our service . In preparation , Ariel had made a list of all our favorite songs , and found videos on YouTube that we could worship along to . As our hearts were ready , and the songs were on our lips , God showed up and met us in right there in the computer room of our home . I 've never felt so peaceful in worship , yet so alive , and so free . It was simply amazing ! It brings tears to my eyes , just remembering the awesomeness of the evening . The worship was fantastic ! Ariel is part of the worship team in KidZone at our church , so she is very experienced at showing and teaching the motions to the songs . Being my first time seeing most of these moves , it was at times hard to keep up . But both Gabe and Ariel knew how to dance to all of it . As we were all laughing and dancing together , Gabe said to me , " see how fun it is to sing to these songs . The grown - ups at church don 't know how to do these motions . They just stand there and clap . It 's so boring ! " There is a time to have fun , and a time to be serious . Gabriel has not quite figured out how to enjoy the more serious songs . I know that the day is coming though . I have seen so much growth in my daughter the last few years during our worship time . I love to stand beside her , see her raising her hands , and hear the words coming out of her at full volume , and full of heart . As our worship time came to a close , I had found a short object lesson for my kids . Before we began , I took several pictures of us hanging out . I wanted to teach them about how we are created in God 's image , and therefore we should be reflecting that image as good as we possibly can . " So God created mankind in his own image , in the image of God he created them ; male and female he created them . " Genesis 1 : 27 " And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord . And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us , we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more . " 2 Corinthians 3 : 18 " a physical likeness or representation of a person , animal , or thing , photographed , painted , sculptured , or otherwise made visible . " After we discussed it for awhile , I brought out the digital pictures we had taken a little bit earlier . I showed each of them their photo on the camera and asked " is this picture actually you , or is it just a copy ? " It 's doesn 't move , or think , or breathe , but it sure does look exactly like them . We spent a great deal of time discussing how we can reflect God . The kids both came up with several examples of how they could do this , and we prayed that they would be able to do it . We all made the decision together that we want to be that light on a hill , a person where people see a difference and want what we have . Every day I pray a prayer over my children before they leave for school , " God , show us how we can serve you . Show us who we can be your arms for , showing them your love . " The rest of our time we spent together , we read another devotion book , and then we closed our service with a few more songs . The kids found a YouTube video of a song I remember singing during children 's church . " I am a C . I am a C - H . I am a C - H - R - I - S - T - I - A - N . And I have C - H - R - I - S - T in my H - E - A - R - T and I will L - I - V - E E - T - E - R - N - A - L - L - Y . " It brought back some happy times from when I was younger . Whenever we are learning something new from God , I believe He always gives us an opportunity to test and use it . As our service ended , and after my daughter told me , " this is the best church service I 've ever been to , " the kids got their time of testing . We were about to watch " Letter 's to God " and they were in the kitchen preparing their wonderful cups of Chai Tea . An argument started where there was lots of name calling , and no WWJD happening . I gently spoke some words of reminder and asked if we really all took to heart our discussion from earlier . They were very repentant and said a loud , " yes ! ! We did . " So we tried again . This time Gabriel let his sister finish heating the water for her tea , and then tried to make her feel better ( stomach flu symptoms ) . He kindly sang a song he wrote just for her about birds flying . She very sweetly told him , " Thank you , Gabe . I really like the motions you even made for it . " It was then that it seemed to sink in for Gabe . He came back to where I was standing in the kitchen and said , " You know what ? When I was trying to be nice to Ariel , I kinda got this warm feeling inside me . And I felt really good for being nice . " YES ! He gets it ! I was so proud to hear him say that . God had our entire evening planned out . What we thought was going to be a big misfortune , turned into one of the most beautiful memories I have with my children . We spent the entire night focusing on God , and trying to hear what He would have us hear . It was our second time watching " Letter 's to God , " and it perfectly fit in with our night . Gabe couldn 't believe that the movie was talking about the same thing we just had talked about . God orchestrated a perfect evening . I will always think of that snow storm fondly because I got those few precious moments alone with my children praising God . I would encourage you if you haven 't already , worship together as a family ! It will change you , and I 'm sure if will change your children . There is something unifying to sing and dance together , giving glory to God . I 'm sure that Wednesday night He was up in heaven just smiling down on us , saying " They get it ! They really do ! " When I was a kid , I always enjoyed a roll of duct tape , or any type of tape for that matter . And now that duct tape comes in all colors and styles , I 'm in heaven ! I was constantly getting in trouble as a kid for using up all the tape . I just love it ! I was blessed with a daughter who shares my love , and she received her first roll of tape for Christmas this year . I can now sympathize with my mom from years ago , as I go to look for MY ROLL of tape and find it hidden in my daughters room being used for her latest art project . One of my newest hobbies has been making purses out of duct tape . I received my very first duct tape purse from my niece , Mikaela , a few years ago . She actually had made it with Ariel in mind , but my daughter thought it seemed silly to have a purse made out of tape . Little did she know that a couple years later she would be begging me to make one for herself . I loved my first duct tape purse . As you can see , it 's very special and was made with love . I 'm certain I will keep it for always . First you have to determine how large you want your purse . I make mine about 8 inches tall . I start by cutting several 8 or 9 inch strips in 1 color , and then fold each of them in half lengthwise . Next you are going to work on the sides and bottom . Depending on how large you want it , will determine how many strips you need . I make my purses rather skinny , and only use 2 strips wide . Seal all the edges . Make sure when you 're making them you match the same dimensions as the front and back of your purse . If you don 't make it tall enough , it will end up looking bad . You make three of these , one for each side , and then one for the bottom of the purse . After you 've attached all the sides to the bottom , you can continue taping all the sides together to form your purse . When I 've gotten all the insides of my purse taped , I go ahead and tape the outside edges too . I think it gives it a stronger hold , and it looks better . Once all my sides have been taped , I work on the top lip of the purse . If my sides are not all even , I cut them down to the right size , then I finish it off by adding a long strip of duct tape all the way around . I normally tear the piece in half lengthwise before I attach it to the purse . Otherwise it covers too much of the checkered pattern . The next step is working on the strap of your purse . I 've done a couple different types . My daughter 's favorite is a braided handle . On this purse , I made it simple and just cut two different color long strips of duct tape to make the handle . You want to make sure to secure your handle very tightly so it doesn 't come lose . With the larger checkered purse , I use a long piece of tape and attach it completely down the side of the purse . I 've also seen it recommended , as you attach your handle , to use a long enough piece of tape that will stick all the way down the side and onto the bottom of the purse . I have used grommets on my purse handles too . They make a more professional look . However , it can be a little difficult to cut the hole when you 're going through several layers of duct tape . Most of the purses I make are small enough that duct tape will hold the handle on . And I 've often made the joke to the friends I 've given these to , " If it breaks , just duct tape it back together . Duct tape fixes everything ! " The last step is adding your embellishments . My personal favorite is a small bow , placed off center on the top edge . Ariel really likes to add a duct tape rose to her purse . If you have an X - Acto knife you can cut different pictures out to add . I haven 't quite mastered using my knife yet . Duct tape is so sticky , it 's really tricky ! I 've made a couple of these purses to be used as gifts for Ariel 's friends . I always like to add some more duct tape things for inside . For this purse , I made a matching pink and purple wallet and a pretty duct tape rose that we sprayed with perfume to make it appear even more real . Be creative ! This was my very first duct tape purse I made myself . I put several hours into it , and a couple rolls of duct tape . I started making my purses smaller now . This one I put pleats in to make it a little fancier , and I added a pocket . This was my first " man - bag " . Gabriel loves it and carries it to school every day . He 's even offered my services to all the little girls in his class ! For Christmas this year , we got Zech his first set of fingerpaints . I don 't know why we waited so long . He loves them ! Anytime he sees me working on a project , he drags out the paint himself , grabs his big oversized paper , and takes a paper plate from the cupboard . He is a little budding artist ! I was actually very hesitant to get fingerpaint for Zech because he takes after me and hates to get his hands dirty . Paint is different for him ! He gets really into it and doesn 't even care that his fingers are all slimy and wet . When the paint runs out , the fun is all gone ! It is then that Zech starts to freak out a little about the feeling on his hands . But if you just add more paint to the plate , the fun is back , and he doesn 't care . It is with great humility that I continue my post from yesterday . I was feeling so good as I left my house to pick up my children from school . I had just posted what I felt like was a message from God , and I had it figured out . I got a couple blocks from my house , and my car started to act funny . It was like it just wouldn 't go . I tried to step on the gas harder , as I was gripping the steering wheel very tightly trying to keep it going in the direction I wanted to go . I only had a few feet and I needed to get over in the left lane , so I could make a left turn onto the street leading to the school . I had no idea what was happening to my car , but I suspected that I was running out of gas . I planned on getting the kids first and then heading straight to the gas station , but I figured plans had changed . I needed gas now . I was coming up on a busy intersection and knew my car wasn 't going to make it much further . There was NO WAY I was going to let the car die on the busy street . I wasn 't thinking about the danger , I was just thinking , HOW HUMILIATING ! I was able to step on the gas a little and my car crawled forward , allowing me to turn off onto a side street , the opposite way that I wanted to be . I just didn 't want to take any chances that the car would die while making a left turn , therefore blocking all the oncoming traffic . I was going up a hill , and couldn 't decide what to do . The car hadn 't completely died yet , but I knew any second it was going to , so I kept plugging away up the hill . It quit on me right as I was in front of someone 's driveway . There was no pulling over , it just died ! I prayed some very desperate prayers , hoping no one was going to come out and yell at me that I was blocking their driveway . I tried turning the car on again , and I was able to slowly eek my way forward a few more feet , and then it was all over . The car was dead , and there was nothing I could do about it . My stress level was rising a little , but I remembered to think positively . Thank you , God , the car didn 't die in the middle of the intersection . I was on a side street , with not very much traffic . I had about 15 minutes before the kids would be walking out of their school building , and I was clueless at what to do , or who to call . We 're a one car family , remember . There was nothing my husband could do to save me . He was stuck at work until his ride was ready to go home . But sometimes you just need to whine to someone , and see what they think you should do . I called my husband . He was very sympathetic and told me he would come help as soon as he got home from work . At this point , I got out of my car , and immediately a man pulled over and asked if I needed help . I 'm a little leery of strange men , but my husband was on the phone , so I figured what harm could come to me . I explained I was pretty certain I just ran out of gas , and I should be able to take care of it . ( Right ? ) He said he had to go somewhere , but he would be right back to help me . At this point , my time was about up , and the kids were going to be worrying if I didn 't get over to the school . So I told the man , " I 've got my husband on the phone here , and I think I 'll be fine . But thank you very much . " About 30 seconds after that , another man stopped , and asked if he could help me . I politely refused again , and said I must go get my children from school right now . My stress level was continuing to rise , but I think I kept myself in control pretty well . Just as I was getting off the phone , the first guy is back , wanting to help me . I was so overwhelmed by how nice people were being . I felt like such a ditz running out of gas , and nobody seemed concerned at all about that . They just wanted to do anything they could to help me . The time was now 3 : 30pm and I told the guy my kids are out of school , so I really can 't do anything about it right now , but thank you so much for the offer . ( again ! ) And a few seconds after that , the second guy is back . He said he had to drop his children off somewhere , but if I was still there when he got back , he WAS helping me . I was feeling very blessed at this point . I mean I had two strangers that just couldn 't seem to let me be . They were just determined to help out . I grabbed my stroller out of the trunk , knowing that time was up and I needed to move it quickly . Before I started to walk away , I had the owner of the house my car died in front of , come walking down the driveway towards me . She was a very sweet old lady , and asked if I wanted to come inside to get warm for a little bit . I explained my predicament , and said , I really must get my kids from school . She wanted to drive me . I politely declined , and said I would be fine , but thank you for the offer . Finally I made it to the kid 's school . I was about 15 minutes late , and Gabriel 's first words to me were , " Mom . I thought it was like the future and you had left me and died or something . " He is a little bit overdramatic sometimes . I was still feeling very positive and thankful that everything was going to be okay . We were just going to walk home , and Titus would get the car . In fact , I was actually really proud of myself . I felt like I had faced a stressful situation , and I was doing well . It might just turn into an adventure with the kids too . They were excited about walking home ! We made it about half a block away , and my perspective was starting to slip . The kids were enjoying their walk , trudging through the SNOW . I was really thankful that the temperature was pretty pleasant outside , but the snow was starting to get to me . If you remember earlier , I mentioned that I pulled the stroller out of the trunk . It sounded like a really good idea when you have a three year old who doesn 't like to walk very much , and always requests to be carried . I knew my arms would get tired , so I was just grateful I had the stroller along . The majority of our walk home takes place on a very busy main street . During the school rush , the traffic is just as busy as it is at 5 o ' clock . There was no option of walking down the street with the stroller . I 'm certain it was at least 50 pounds I was DRAGGING through the snow . My back started to hurt , my hands were getting blisters , and I was MISERABLE . I just couldn 't take it anymore . It was like the pot didn 't crack , it shattered . The pieces were falling all over the place , and I couldn 't stay in control anymore . I was done thinking positively . I just wanted to quit . I was so mad at myself for thinking that a stroller would be helpful . It 's NOT ! It 's probably about the most torturesome thing I could have chosen to do at that moment . The corner is made for high traffic . Instead of just one stoplight for the block , there are now two . On two separate occasions , we had to try to beat the light at getting across . It 's a simple feat if you 're just walking on foot . But I 'm dragging a stroller , bumping it along the way , trying not to dump my child out of it . I actually had a car with a couple young teenage girls in it that got a real kick out of me dragging my stroller , walking backwards . They had the nerve to point and laugh at me , when I was already feeling utterly humiliated . How could they be so mean when I 'm crying , trying to pull my way through the cold wet snow . We finally made it just a block or two from our house , when I hit the total bottom of my misery . They recently redid the road , and completely tore up the ground . No grass grows there ; it 's just mud and straw thrown over the top . The snow is still completely covering the ground , so it 's very difficult to know where the sidewalk is . ESPECIALLY when you 're walking BACKWARDS . The sun was out and had melted a lot of snow . The mud was wet , and very deep . My shoes that I wear in the snow have a 2 inch heel on it . I like it because it elevates me enough that I just walk on top of the snow , instead of sinking into it . Well , we all sunk into the mud past the heel of my shoe . So now I 'm wet , my back is aching , I have blisters on my hands , my pride is gone , and I 'm covered with mud . I was done . If I didn 't have children with me . I think I would have just stopped and cried for awhile before moving on . I wasn 't just focusing on the bad , I was wallowing in it . And I was MAD , and I was crying and yelling , " GODDDD ! What happened ? ? ? Why did you let me go through this ? Why couldn 't you have done something ? " If I was God , and I had just listened to the walk home from school that took place , I wouldn 't have been gently whispering . I would have been screaming . " What do you mean , I didn 't help you ? ? I sent people back over and over again , and you were too proud . Then if that wasn 't bad enough , I sent a woman to help , and you turned her down 4 TIMES for a ride ! ! I tried to help you ! So don 't get mad at me because you were too stubborn ! " I am so thankful that God is not like me . He is always so patient and understanding . He gives us second chances , and third chances , and 20 chances . . . " Humble yourselves before the Lord , and he will lift you up . " ( James 4 : 10 ) I just saw that this happens to be the verse of the day on my blog . I couldn 't help but thank God for His mercy when I saw this . It 's been awhile since I wrote my post about personal declarations . At that point in my life , I was declaring that I would take things " one step at a time , and one day at a time . " We had just had our second car break down , and I was spending all my time driving around . I 'm still declaring that , and God is coming through for me like He always does . Lately , I 've been feeling kind of down . I think that it 's really common for me this time of year . I spend so much time getting ready for things to come , that I often forget to live right in the moment . Gabriel has a birthday that 's coming up in a couple of weeks , and a lot of my free time has been spent getting ready for it . But I love to do the work because I know it will be spectacular in the end ! I took my son shopping this past weekend , and we made a whole afternoon of it . We had lunch together at Subway , shopped at Good Will and the mall , and several other specialty shops . We looked all over the city for " Super Mario " things . The trip started out to be a huge success , and then quickly went downhill . We went to store after store , and found nothing . There was either nothing there , or it was WAYYY too expensive . I tried to talk Gabe into maybe getting something besides Mario , but he wouldn 't listen . He started to get more and more sullen , and developed a very bad attitude . I had to take him aside and tell him these words , " Stop focusing on what you 're not getting , and try to remember what you 've already gotten ! " I have uttered these words so many times to each of my children , getting frustrated at them for being so ungrateful . A couple weeks ago my daughter and I took a Saturday afternoon and spent it shopping . She wanted to make a duct tape purse for a friend of hers , so we went to the store together to pick out a few colors of duct tape . We also picked up a couple new things for her bedroom that we recently had redone . As our time was drawing to a close , she asked me again if we could go out for a special treat together . That means a pretzel from Target , or a coffee from Classic Bean . I tried to explain that we had already spent all the money we were going to on the things we just bought . I hate to tell my children that we have no money for something . That 's never the case . God has blessed us greatly ! I try to help my children learn that there are just some things that we haven 't made a priority to spend our money on . It 's not that we don 't have money to eat out today ; we just chose to buy " material items " to take home with us . So as I told her again that we already spent all the money we were going to that day , she started to get upset and cry because she wanted to have that treat with me . I used my favorite phrase on her , " Stop thinking about what you 're not getting , and remember what we just got and the time we just spent together ! " So as I was getting ready for church this Sunday morning I found myself getting more and more frustrated and losing my patience . All these things kept running through my mind . I 'm tired of going to church early ; I wish we had another car ! This week our Pastor Gordon had a different kind of message . He spent the service interviewing a friend of mine . It was totally unexpected and exactly what I needed to hear . Sometimes it just helps knowing that you are not the only one who feels down , or who struggles in life . There were a couple of times that I felt so convicted and then comforted just to hear what was being said . It was a phenomenal service . As it drew to a close , and the altar time started , I began to pray while standing at my seat . I don 't even know what words I prayed ; I was just talking to God . I saw my sister go forward for prayer with my mother , and it just hit me like a ton of bricks falling . I am that selfish little kid whining and crying about what I don 't have when my life is overflowing with awesome miracles that God has provided for me . As I stood there and cried , thinking about how selfish I had become , God sent me a friend . She didn 't say much , but she put her arm around me , and I felt the arm of God saying , " It 's okay . I know . " It was such a powerful moment ; I don 't really have any words to even describe it . God is always bigger than any obstacle or feeling that you have . He will whisper the truth in a loving way , with His arm wrapped around your shoulder - just coming to stand by you for comfort . I was upset about something that happened with one friend , feeling unwanted , when I am surrounded by women who love me and are there for me . I have an awesome group of friends that I can get together with and be myself . I can laugh with them , and even cry with them . We can watch silly movies , and we can watch serious ones . We can study books , make crafts , or just have our children play together . God has blessed me so much in the area of friendship . I was inconvenienced a little on a Sunday morning by having to leave an hour early for church , when everyday of the week my husband gets a ride from a friend in to work . We 've never been without a car , and I don 't have to even drive my husband anymore , yet I was throwing a fit about one day of the week . God has provided in ways that He didn 't even need to , but He wanted to . In less than a month , we should have enough money to buy a new car . God is AWESOME ! I whine and cry about having to wear my glasses every day , but the truth is , we have the money to get me some contacts . I 've just been too lazy to schedule the appointment to get it done . God has blessed our family financially above what is necessary . We 've never been without the desires of our hearts . He always provides ; not just our needs , but our wants . I am so blessed by God . I wish that I would never forget that , but it happens . And then He always gently but persistently reminds me . God is WOW , and I love Him with all my heart . It 's been awhile since I shared what my pastor , Gordon , has been speaking about . This past Sunday it was on the topic of Death . I found it to be very thought provoking , and wanted to post my notes here . It 's also a good segue into a book series I 've been wanting to recommend for a long time now . What is wrong with this quote ? Doesn 't it just not sit right with you ? For me I pictured the crash dummy just riding along at a quick pace and then as he hits the brick wall parts of his fake body just go flying everywhere . It doesn 't leave you with a very pleasant feeling . That 's not how I want my life to end , or how I believe my life will end . I found it to be a very interesting sermon . It 's one of those that gets you thinking about life after death . For the longest time I would start to think about heaven and my palms would start to sweat , my breath would get short , and anxiety would overcome me . I know as a Christian we are supposed to look forward to heaven , and be excited to go there . Well , up until recently , if I was completely honest , I dreaded the thought . I love Jesus , but can I really live forever and ever and ever . Maybe when I was a kid I shouldn 't have watched the movie " Death Becomes Her " . It gave me nightmares , but also a little bit of insight into how life would be lived here on this earth forever . We know heaven won 't be like this life so it 's just hard to imagine what it will be like . I 've heard sermons on heaven and how wonderful it 's going to be . The streets are going to be made of gold , and we 'll be feasting , and never be sick again . I 've been in worship services where the leader will say , " won 't this be great ? We 'll be doing this forever in heaven . " That never brought me very much comfort . I mean , really , I can 't sing that song forever . I am not a singer . It wasn 't until my birthday this past year that my entire perspective changed . I finally believe I can see a glimpse of what heaven truly could be like , and I 'm excited . I 'm actually anxious to go there . For my birthday , Titus found a book for me that came highly recommended . He was searching online and happened to see this book on the best seller list . The only thing he didn 't realize was that it was the best seller list years ago . It 's actually the first book of a three - part series by Randy Alcorn . I have found that I can 't even put into words to describe how wonderful these books are . They have lots of details in them and can seem intimidating when you first pick it up . But after just a few chapters you 'll be hooked . All three are murder / mystery works of fiction . They are inspiring and leave you feeling full of life . I thoroughly enjoyed each book and can 't wait to read the books again so I can get more out of it the second time around . I found a review by Joshua Harris that I thought said exactly what I felt after reading this book . Here is his last paragraph . " In a letter I wrote to Randy Alcorn thanking him for his novel , I told him I 'd never felt more " excited about being alive and more anxious to die . " In a very real sense that should be the wonderful dilemma of the Christian life . Though rich with meaning and purpose , we 're constantly aware that in this life , we 're only passing through . Reading Deadline challenged me to live with , in Randy 's own words , ' an eternal perspective . ' " The second book of the series , Dominion , was just as good as the first , if not more compelling . It is a murder / mystery also , but it really focuses on racism from the perspective of a black man . I saw it in a whole new light and was changed by it . It was simply amazing ! It spoke about things that have never occurred to me or I never would have thought of . It also , like the first book has many parts that take place in heaven , and leave you desiring to go there . This is my favorite excerpt from the author 's interpretation of heaven : " For one thing , " Dani said , " all this study of my life on earth has been a surprise . I thought I would never look back . I find that what I experience in heaven is largely an outgrowth of earth . The two aren 't disconnected . It 's not a new and separate reality as much as an extension of the old reality . " Torel nodded , as if she had said something self - evident . " My mind is the same mind , only sharper ; my soul the same soul , only completely pure . My skills are the same skills , but less hindered in their expression . I was not a mountain climber on earth and do not have some sudden desire to be one now , though perhaps I will eventually . But I love to paint and swim on earth , and I love to even more now . " " Of course , " Torel said . " You are the same person . Earth leads directly into heaven , just as it leads directly into hell . Your life on earth was your running start into heaven , just as for those who do not know Elyon , it is their running start into hell . What you learned there you bring with you here . The treasures you laid up when you were there will be yours here . Elyon 's gifts are irrevocable . He made you to be an artist not for time but for eternity . You learned to be an artist there to prepare you to be one here . " " Then in the coming kingdom will people have the same jobs as they did on earth ? " " Gifting and vocation are not the same . The doctor , undertaker , police officer and paramedic will not have the same job here . But they will have the same gifts and new opportunities to use them . " " I expected heaven to be entirely different than earth , " Dani said . " Eylon is the same Creator , you are the same creature . It is the same universe . You have simply relocated to a better part of it . It is you in heaven , not some new creature that did not exist on earth . The same person who steps out of earth is the one who steps into heaven . " " I used to think heaven was an entirely new book , with a new cast of characters - - a nice setting , but with no drama , no plot . " " On the contrary , " Torel The last book , Deception , is probably the easiest read of all three . It primarily deals with the murder investigation and could be read as a standalone title . It 's a lot different than the first two books as there aren 't very many references to heaven . It still was a exceptional book that I couldn 't put down when I was reading it . This book is a more for fun kind of read rather than a book that you feel changed afterwards . Without a doubt the greatest " treat " that I can buy myself , would be a cup of hot Chai tea . I love it ! I have never had another drink that comes close to comparing to it . I could be having a horrible day , or have had an argument with my husband , or just plain feeling bad , and this tea warms me up . It 's magic . Now it can 't be just any cup of Chai tea , it has to be made just right . The only place I 've found that sells this perfect cup is , Classic Bean , one of our local coffee shops . I enjoy the tea at Starbucks and I like PT 's okay , but the one from Classic Bean just sends warm fuzzy feelings all the way down to my toes . And I just can 't help myself , after every sip I take , I sigh with pleasure . That might sound a bit weird , or crazy , but I love it . It was God 's gift to me . This Christmas I received one of the greatest gifts ever . A friend of mine gave me a tin of Chai tea , made from a recipe she found online . You know how I love a good cup of it ; well I expected this to be good , but not GREAT . I really do like all Chai teas that I taste ; I just have preference to this one . And I 'm certain the recipe has to be almost identical to the one they are serving at Classic Bean . It 's full of the wonderful , good smelling spices that make my tea so great . I think that adds a lot to the taste , the smell . In every sip I take , I can smell the cinnamon , nutmeg and other delicious spices . When I mixed up my first cup of Chai tea on Christmas evening , I was playing a game with my family over at my parent 's house . We were all having a hilariously good time gathering around the table playing , Boxers or Briefs . As soon as I took my first taste , I couldn 't help myself , I said , " ohhh . . . wow . . . this is good . " I then repeated it without realizing for every sip after . I was just overwhelmed that someone I knew had the recipe for my favorite drink in the world ! I was no longer going to have to pay $ 4 a cup ; I might be able to drink it in the privacy of my own home , whenever I wanted ! Needless to say , I got the recipe a few days later from my friend , and I wanted to share it with you here . It makes a TON of Chai tea , so if you 're not sure if you 'd like it , cut the recipe in half , or do a quarter of it . Or if you 're really not sure , I might give you a small bag from mine , if you ask nicely . 1 ) I used a blender to make my Chai tea . You can only blend about 2 - 3 cups of ingredients at a time . Start with the dry milk and non - dairy creamer . Blend until it is a powdery consistency . 4 ) Blend the unsweetened instant tea along with the spices . Pour this mixture into the bowl . ( This one was VERY messy and I had to scrape out my blender with a spatula ! ) See how much it makes ! ! TONS ! I love it , but really with my family we 'll go through it really quickly . My kids have been asking for a cup of it each day . We all love hot drinks . It 's recommended if you don 't like all the extra spices in your drink you can place your Chai tea mix in a strainer and then hold the strainer over a mug and pour hot water through the strainer into the mug . Or if that sounds like a lot of work , you can just not drink the last few sips where the spices have settled . I personally like that part of the drink . It makes a wonderful treat for the end of the day , or just anytime you need to get a moment for yourself . I love to sit down on the couch , do absolutely nothing , and sip my tea curled up under a cozy blanket . Life is all about the little things . This is one of my favorite little blessings from God . Tea is meant to be enjoyed , sipped slowly , and sometimes shared with a few good friends . |
We all know that we 're in for some snow tomorrow . And with the snow , school 's will close , places won 't stay open as late as normal , activities are postponed , and churches cancel their services . You can always guarantee that whether there is rain , snow , ice , or sun , our church will be meeting together . Even if there is a blizzard , with snow drifting across the roads making it impossible to see , there will be someone meeting at our church . A couple weeks ago , when we had our last snow storm , the kids and I stayed home from church . Ariel was home sick from school that day , and Gabe had stayed home sick the day before , Zechariah was losing his voice , and I felt like they needed to be at home for the evening and not out in a big winter storm . It 's a huge disappointment in our home when we 're not able to attend church . My kids live for these moments when they get to meet together with their friends , learning about God . I couldn 't bear their disappointment , so I told them , even though it 's a blizzard outside , and we 're stuck at home sick , we are the church . We can have church right here in our home . The kids were so excited ! They couldn 't wait for dinner to end so we could be the church . We all made sure our hair was brushed , our clothes looked nice , and Ariel applied her lipstick . We were ready ! At 6 : 30pm we promptly began our service . In preparation , Ariel had made a list of all our favorite songs , and found videos on YouTube that we could worship along to . As our hearts were ready , and the songs were on our lips , God showed up and met us in right there in the computer room of our home . I 've never felt so peaceful in worship , yet so alive , and so free . It was simply amazing ! It brings tears to my eyes , just remembering the awesomeness of the evening . The worship was fantastic ! Ariel is part of the worship team in KidZone at our church , so she is very experienced at showing and teaching the motions to the songs . Being my first time seeing most of these moves , it was at times hard to keep up . But both Gabe and Ariel knew how to dance to all of it . As we were all laughing and dancing together , Gabe said to me , " see how fun it is to sing to these songs . The grown - ups at church don 't know how to do these motions . They just stand there and clap . It 's so boring ! " There is a time to have fun , and a time to be serious . Gabriel has not quite figured out how to enjoy the more serious songs . I know that the day is coming though . I have seen so much growth in my daughter the last few years during our worship time . I love to stand beside her , see her raising her hands , and hear the words coming out of her at full volume , and full of heart . As our worship time came to a close , I had found a short object lesson for my kids . Before we began , I took several pictures of us hanging out . I wanted to teach them about how we are created in God 's image , and therefore we should be reflecting that image as good as we possibly can . " So God created mankind in his own image , in the image of God he created them ; male and female he created them . " Genesis 1 : 27 " And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord . And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us , we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more . " 2 Corinthians 3 : 18 " a physical likeness or representation of a person , animal , or thing , photographed , painted , sculptured , or otherwise made visible . " After we discussed it for awhile , I brought out the digital pictures we had taken a little bit earlier . I showed each of them their photo on the camera and asked " is this picture actually you , or is it just a copy ? " It 's doesn 't move , or think , or breathe , but it sure does look exactly like them . We spent a great deal of time discussing how we can reflect God . The kids both came up with several examples of how they could do this , and we prayed that they would be able to do it . We all made the decision together that we want to be that light on a hill , a person where people see a difference and want what we have . Every day I pray a prayer over my children before they leave for school , " God , show us how we can serve you . Show us who we can be your arms for , showing them your love . " The rest of our time we spent together , we read another devotion book , and then we closed our service with a few more songs . The kids found a YouTube video of a song I remember singing during children 's church . " I am a C . I am a C - H . I am a C - H - R - I - S - T - I - A - N . And I have C - H - R - I - S - T in my H - E - A - R - T and I will L - I - V - E E - T - E - R - N - A - L - L - Y . " It brought back some happy times from when I was younger . Whenever we are learning something new from God , I believe He always gives us an opportunity to test and use it . As our service ended , and after my daughter told me , " this is the best church service I 've ever been to , " the kids got their time of testing . We were about to watch " Letter 's to God " and they were in the kitchen preparing their wonderful cups of Chai Tea . An argument started where there was lots of name calling , and no WWJD happening . I gently spoke some words of reminder and asked if we really all took to heart our discussion from earlier . They were very repentant and said a loud , " yes ! ! We did . " So we tried again . This time Gabriel let his sister finish heating the water for her tea , and then tried to make her feel better ( stomach flu symptoms ) . He kindly sang a song he wrote just for her about birds flying . She very sweetly told him , " Thank you , Gabe . I really like the motions you even made for it . " It was then that it seemed to sink in for Gabe . He came back to where I was standing in the kitchen and said , " You know what ? When I was trying to be nice to Ariel , I kinda got this warm feeling inside me . And I felt really good for being nice . " YES ! He gets it ! I was so proud to hear him say that . God had our entire evening planned out . What we thought was going to be a big misfortune , turned into one of the most beautiful memories I have with my children . We spent the entire night focusing on God , and trying to hear what He would have us hear . It was our second time watching " Letter 's to God , " and it perfectly fit in with our night . Gabe couldn 't believe that the movie was talking about the same thing we just had talked about . God orchestrated a perfect evening . I will always think of that snow storm fondly because I got those few precious moments alone with my children praising God . I would encourage you if you haven 't already , worship together as a family ! It will change you , and I 'm sure if will change your children . There is something unifying to sing and dance together , giving glory to God . I 'm sure that Wednesday night He was up in heaven just smiling down on us , saying " They get it ! They really do ! " When I was a kid , I always enjoyed a roll of duct tape , or any type of tape for that matter . And now that duct tape comes in all colors and styles , I 'm in heaven ! I was constantly getting in trouble as a kid for using up all the tape . I just love it ! I was blessed with a daughter who shares my love , and she received her first roll of tape for Christmas this year . I can now sympathize with my mom from years ago , as I go to look for MY ROLL of tape and find it hidden in my daughters room being used for her latest art project . One of my newest hobbies has been making purses out of duct tape . I received my very first duct tape purse from my niece , Mikaela , a few years ago . She actually had made it with Ariel in mind , but my daughter thought it seemed silly to have a purse made out of tape . Little did she know that a couple years later she would be begging me to make one for herself . I loved my first duct tape purse . As you can see , it 's very special and was made with love . I 'm certain I will keep it for always . First you have to determine how large you want your purse . I make mine about 8 inches tall . I start by cutting several 8 or 9 inch strips in 1 color , and then fold each of them in half lengthwise . Next you are going to work on the sides and bottom . Depending on how large you want it , will determine how many strips you need . I make my purses rather skinny , and only use 2 strips wide . Seal all the edges . Make sure when you 're making them you match the same dimensions as the front and back of your purse . If you don 't make it tall enough , it will end up looking bad . You make three of these , one for each side , and then one for the bottom of the purse . After you 've attached all the sides to the bottom , you can continue taping all the sides together to form your purse . When I 've gotten all the insides of my purse taped , I go ahead and tape the outside edges too . I think it gives it a stronger hold , and it looks better . Once all my sides have been taped , I work on the top lip of the purse . If my sides are not all even , I cut them down to the right size , then I finish it off by adding a long strip of duct tape all the way around . I normally tear the piece in half lengthwise before I attach it to the purse . Otherwise it covers too much of the checkered pattern . The next step is working on the strap of your purse . I 've done a couple different types . My daughter 's favorite is a braided handle . On this purse , I made it simple and just cut two different color long strips of duct tape to make the handle . You want to make sure to secure your handle very tightly so it doesn 't come lose . With the larger checkered purse , I use a long piece of tape and attach it completely down the side of the purse . I 've also seen it recommended , as you attach your handle , to use a long enough piece of tape that will stick all the way down the side and onto the bottom of the purse . I have used grommets on my purse handles too . They make a more professional look . However , it can be a little difficult to cut the hole when you 're going through several layers of duct tape . Most of the purses I make are small enough that duct tape will hold the handle on . And I 've often made the joke to the friends I 've given these to , " If it breaks , just duct tape it back together . Duct tape fixes everything ! " The last step is adding your embellishments . My personal favorite is a small bow , placed off center on the top edge . Ariel really likes to add a duct tape rose to her purse . If you have an X - Acto knife you can cut different pictures out to add . I haven 't quite mastered using my knife yet . Duct tape is so sticky , it 's really tricky ! I 've made a couple of these purses to be used as gifts for Ariel 's friends . I always like to add some more duct tape things for inside . For this purse , I made a matching pink and purple wallet and a pretty duct tape rose that we sprayed with perfume to make it appear even more real . Be creative ! This was my very first duct tape purse I made myself . I put several hours into it , and a couple rolls of duct tape . I started making my purses smaller now . This one I put pleats in to make it a little fancier , and I added a pocket . This was my first " man - bag " . Gabriel loves it and carries it to school every day . He 's even offered my services to all the little girls in his class ! For Christmas this year , we got Zech his first set of fingerpaints . I don 't know why we waited so long . He loves them ! Anytime he sees me working on a project , he drags out the paint himself , grabs his big oversized paper , and takes a paper plate from the cupboard . He is a little budding artist ! I was actually very hesitant to get fingerpaint for Zech because he takes after me and hates to get his hands dirty . Paint is different for him ! He gets really into it and doesn 't even care that his fingers are all slimy and wet . When the paint runs out , the fun is all gone ! It is then that Zech starts to freak out a little about the feeling on his hands . But if you just add more paint to the plate , the fun is back , and he doesn 't care . It is with great humility that I continue my post from yesterday . I was feeling so good as I left my house to pick up my children from school . I had just posted what I felt like was a message from God , and I had it figured out . I got a couple blocks from my house , and my car started to act funny . It was like it just wouldn 't go . I tried to step on the gas harder , as I was gripping the steering wheel very tightly trying to keep it going in the direction I wanted to go . I only had a few feet and I needed to get over in the left lane , so I could make a left turn onto the street leading to the school . I had no idea what was happening to my car , but I suspected that I was running out of gas . I planned on getting the kids first and then heading straight to the gas station , but I figured plans had changed . I needed gas now . I was coming up on a busy intersection and knew my car wasn 't going to make it much further . There was NO WAY I was going to let the car die on the busy street . I wasn 't thinking about the danger , I was just thinking , HOW HUMILIATING ! I was able to step on the gas a little and my car crawled forward , allowing me to turn off onto a side street , the opposite way that I wanted to be . I just didn 't want to take any chances that the car would die while making a left turn , therefore blocking all the oncoming traffic . I was going up a hill , and couldn 't decide what to do . The car hadn 't completely died yet , but I knew any second it was going to , so I kept plugging away up the hill . It quit on me right as I was in front of someone 's driveway . There was no pulling over , it just died ! I prayed some very desperate prayers , hoping no one was going to come out and yell at me that I was blocking their driveway . I tried turning the car on again , and I was able to slowly eek my way forward a few more feet , and then it was all over . The car was dead , and there was nothing I could do about it . My stress level was rising a little , but I remembered to think positively . Thank you , God , the car didn 't die in the middle of the intersection . I was on a side street , with not very much traffic . I had about 15 minutes before the kids would be walking out of their school building , and I was clueless at what to do , or who to call . We 're a one car family , remember . There was nothing my husband could do to save me . He was stuck at work until his ride was ready to go home . But sometimes you just need to whine to someone , and see what they think you should do . I called my husband . He was very sympathetic and told me he would come help as soon as he got home from work . At this point , I got out of my car , and immediately a man pulled over and asked if I needed help . I 'm a little leery of strange men , but my husband was on the phone , so I figured what harm could come to me . I explained I was pretty certain I just ran out of gas , and I should be able to take care of it . ( Right ? ) He said he had to go somewhere , but he would be right back to help me . At this point , my time was about up , and the kids were going to be worrying if I didn 't get over to the school . So I told the man , " I 've got my husband on the phone here , and I think I 'll be fine . But thank you very much . " About 30 seconds after that , another man stopped , and asked if he could help me . I politely refused again , and said I must go get my children from school right now . My stress level was continuing to rise , but I think I kept myself in control pretty well . Just as I was getting off the phone , the first guy is back , wanting to help me . I was so overwhelmed by how nice people were being . I felt like such a ditz running out of gas , and nobody seemed concerned at all about that . They just wanted to do anything they could to help me . The time was now 3 : 30pm and I told the guy my kids are out of school , so I really can 't do anything about it right now , but thank you so much for the offer . ( again ! ) And a few seconds after that , the second guy is back . He said he had to drop his children off somewhere , but if I was still there when he got back , he WAS helping me . I was feeling very blessed at this point . I mean I had two strangers that just couldn 't seem to let me be . They were just determined to help out . I grabbed my stroller out of the trunk , knowing that time was up and I needed to move it quickly . Before I started to walk away , I had the owner of the house my car died in front of , come walking down the driveway towards me . She was a very sweet old lady , and asked if I wanted to come inside to get warm for a little bit . I explained my predicament , and said , I really must get my kids from school . She wanted to drive me . I politely declined , and said I would be fine , but thank you for the offer . Finally I made it to the kid 's school . I was about 15 minutes late , and Gabriel 's first words to me were , " Mom . I thought it was like the future and you had left me and died or something . " He is a little bit overdramatic sometimes . I was still feeling very positive and thankful that everything was going to be okay . We were just going to walk home , and Titus would get the car . In fact , I was actually really proud of myself . I felt like I had faced a stressful situation , and I was doing well . It might just turn into an adventure with the kids too . They were excited about walking home ! We made it about half a block away , and my perspective was starting to slip . The kids were enjoying their walk , trudging through the SNOW . I was really thankful that the temperature was pretty pleasant outside , but the snow was starting to get to me . If you remember earlier , I mentioned that I pulled the stroller out of the trunk . It sounded like a really good idea when you have a three year old who doesn 't like to walk very much , and always requests to be carried . I knew my arms would get tired , so I was just grateful I had the stroller along . The majority of our walk home takes place on a very busy main street . During the school rush , the traffic is just as busy as it is at 5 o ' clock . There was no option of walking down the street with the stroller . I 'm certain it was at least 50 pounds I was DRAGGING through the snow . My back started to hurt , my hands were getting blisters , and I was MISERABLE . I just couldn 't take it anymore . It was like the pot didn 't crack , it shattered . The pieces were falling all over the place , and I couldn 't stay in control anymore . I was done thinking positively . I just wanted to quit . I was so mad at myself for thinking that a stroller would be helpful . It 's NOT ! It 's probably about the most torturesome thing I could have chosen to do at that moment . The corner is made for high traffic . Instead of just one stoplight for the block , there are now two . On two separate occasions , we had to try to beat the light at getting across . It 's a simple feat if you 're just walking on foot . But I 'm dragging a stroller , bumping it along the way , trying not to dump my child out of it . I actually had a car with a couple young teenage girls in it that got a real kick out of me dragging my stroller , walking backwards . They had the nerve to point and laugh at me , when I was already feeling utterly humiliated . How could they be so mean when I 'm crying , trying to pull my way through the cold wet snow . We finally made it just a block or two from our house , when I hit the total bottom of my misery . They recently redid the road , and completely tore up the ground . No grass grows there ; it 's just mud and straw thrown over the top . The snow is still completely covering the ground , so it 's very difficult to know where the sidewalk is . ESPECIALLY when you 're walking BACKWARDS . The sun was out and had melted a lot of snow . The mud was wet , and very deep . My shoes that I wear in the snow have a 2 inch heel on it . I like it because it elevates me enough that I just walk on top of the snow , instead of sinking into it . Well , we all sunk into the mud past the heel of my shoe . So now I 'm wet , my back is aching , I have blisters on my hands , my pride is gone , and I 'm covered with mud . I was done . If I didn 't have children with me . I think I would have just stopped and cried for awhile before moving on . I wasn 't just focusing on the bad , I was wallowing in it . And I was MAD , and I was crying and yelling , " GODDDD ! What happened ? ? ? Why did you let me go through this ? Why couldn 't you have done something ? " If I was God , and I had just listened to the walk home from school that took place , I wouldn 't have been gently whispering . I would have been screaming . " What do you mean , I didn 't help you ? ? I sent people back over and over again , and you were too proud . Then if that wasn 't bad enough , I sent a woman to help , and you turned her down 4 TIMES for a ride ! ! I tried to help you ! So don 't get mad at me because you were too stubborn ! " I am so thankful that God is not like me . He is always so patient and understanding . He gives us second chances , and third chances , and 20 chances . . . " Humble yourselves before the Lord , and he will lift you up . " ( James 4 : 10 ) I just saw that this happens to be the verse of the day on my blog . I couldn 't help but thank God for His mercy when I saw this . It 's been awhile since I wrote my post about personal declarations . At that point in my life , I was declaring that I would take things " one step at a time , and one day at a time . " We had just had our second car break down , and I was spending all my time driving around . I 'm still declaring that , and God is coming through for me like He always does . Lately , I 've been feeling kind of down . I think that it 's really common for me this time of year . I spend so much time getting ready for things to come , that I often forget to live right in the moment . Gabriel has a birthday that 's coming up in a couple of weeks , and a lot of my free time has been spent getting ready for it . But I love to do the work because I know it will be spectacular in the end ! I took my son shopping this past weekend , and we made a whole afternoon of it . We had lunch together at Subway , shopped at Good Will and the mall , and several other specialty shops . We looked all over the city for " Super Mario " things . The trip started out to be a huge success , and then quickly went downhill . We went to store after store , and found nothing . There was either nothing there , or it was WAYYY too expensive . I tried to talk Gabe into maybe getting something besides Mario , but he wouldn 't listen . He started to get more and more sullen , and developed a very bad attitude . I had to take him aside and tell him these words , " Stop focusing on what you 're not getting , and try to remember what you 've already gotten ! " I have uttered these words so many times to each of my children , getting frustrated at them for being so ungrateful . A couple weeks ago my daughter and I took a Saturday afternoon and spent it shopping . She wanted to make a duct tape purse for a friend of hers , so we went to the store together to pick out a few colors of duct tape . We also picked up a couple new things for her bedroom that we recently had redone . As our time was drawing to a close , she asked me again if we could go out for a special treat together . That means a pretzel from Target , or a coffee from Classic Bean . I tried to explain that we had already spent all the money we were going to on the things we just bought . I hate to tell my children that we have no money for something . That 's never the case . God has blessed us greatly ! I try to help my children learn that there are just some things that we haven 't made a priority to spend our money on . It 's not that we don 't have money to eat out today ; we just chose to buy " material items " to take home with us . So as I told her again that we already spent all the money we were going to that day , she started to get upset and cry because she wanted to have that treat with me . I used my favorite phrase on her , " Stop thinking about what you 're not getting , and remember what we just got and the time we just spent together ! " So as I was getting ready for church this Sunday morning I found myself getting more and more frustrated and losing my patience . All these things kept running through my mind . I 'm tired of going to church early ; I wish we had another car ! This week our Pastor Gordon had a different kind of message . He spent the service interviewing a friend of mine . It was totally unexpected and exactly what I needed to hear . Sometimes it just helps knowing that you are not the only one who feels down , or who struggles in life . There were a couple of times that I felt so convicted and then comforted just to hear what was being said . It was a phenomenal service . As it drew to a close , and the altar time started , I began to pray while standing at my seat . I don 't even know what words I prayed ; I was just talking to God . I saw my sister go forward for prayer with my mother , and it just hit me like a ton of bricks falling . I am that selfish little kid whining and crying about what I don 't have when my life is overflowing with awesome miracles that God has provided for me . As I stood there and cried , thinking about how selfish I had become , God sent me a friend . She didn 't say much , but she put her arm around me , and I felt the arm of God saying , " It 's okay . I know . " It was such a powerful moment ; I don 't really have any words to even describe it . God is always bigger than any obstacle or feeling that you have . He will whisper the truth in a loving way , with His arm wrapped around your shoulder - just coming to stand by you for comfort . I was upset about something that happened with one friend , feeling unwanted , when I am surrounded by women who love me and are there for me . I have an awesome group of friends that I can get together with and be myself . I can laugh with them , and even cry with them . We can watch silly movies , and we can watch serious ones . We can study books , make crafts , or just have our children play together . God has blessed me so much in the area of friendship . I was inconvenienced a little on a Sunday morning by having to leave an hour early for church , when everyday of the week my husband gets a ride from a friend in to work . We 've never been without a car , and I don 't have to even drive my husband anymore , yet I was throwing a fit about one day of the week . God has provided in ways that He didn 't even need to , but He wanted to . In less than a month , we should have enough money to buy a new car . God is AWESOME ! I whine and cry about having to wear my glasses every day , but the truth is , we have the money to get me some contacts . I 've just been too lazy to schedule the appointment to get it done . God has blessed our family financially above what is necessary . We 've never been without the desires of our hearts . He always provides ; not just our needs , but our wants . I am so blessed by God . I wish that I would never forget that , but it happens . And then He always gently but persistently reminds me . God is WOW , and I love Him with all my heart . It 's been awhile since I shared what my pastor , Gordon , has been speaking about . This past Sunday it was on the topic of Death . I found it to be very thought provoking , and wanted to post my notes here . It 's also a good segue into a book series I 've been wanting to recommend for a long time now . What is wrong with this quote ? Doesn 't it just not sit right with you ? For me I pictured the crash dummy just riding along at a quick pace and then as he hits the brick wall parts of his fake body just go flying everywhere . It doesn 't leave you with a very pleasant feeling . That 's not how I want my life to end , or how I believe my life will end . I found it to be a very interesting sermon . It 's one of those that gets you thinking about life after death . For the longest time I would start to think about heaven and my palms would start to sweat , my breath would get short , and anxiety would overcome me . I know as a Christian we are supposed to look forward to heaven , and be excited to go there . Well , up until recently , if I was completely honest , I dreaded the thought . I love Jesus , but can I really live forever and ever and ever . Maybe when I was a kid I shouldn 't have watched the movie " Death Becomes Her " . It gave me nightmares , but also a little bit of insight into how life would be lived here on this earth forever . We know heaven won 't be like this life so it 's just hard to imagine what it will be like . I 've heard sermons on heaven and how wonderful it 's going to be . The streets are going to be made of gold , and we 'll be feasting , and never be sick again . I 've been in worship services where the leader will say , " won 't this be great ? We 'll be doing this forever in heaven . " That never brought me very much comfort . I mean , really , I can 't sing that song forever . I am not a singer . It wasn 't until my birthday this past year that my entire perspective changed . I finally believe I can see a glimpse of what heaven truly could be like , and I 'm excited . I 'm actually anxious to go there . For my birthday , Titus found a book for me that came highly recommended . He was searching online and happened to see this book on the best seller list . The only thing he didn 't realize was that it was the best seller list years ago . It 's actually the first book of a three - part series by Randy Alcorn . I have found that I can 't even put into words to describe how wonderful these books are . They have lots of details in them and can seem intimidating when you first pick it up . But after just a few chapters you 'll be hooked . All three are murder / mystery works of fiction . They are inspiring and leave you feeling full of life . I thoroughly enjoyed each book and can 't wait to read the books again so I can get more out of it the second time around . I found a review by Joshua Harris that I thought said exactly what I felt after reading this book . Here is his last paragraph . " In a letter I wrote to Randy Alcorn thanking him for his novel , I told him I 'd never felt more " excited about being alive and more anxious to die . " In a very real sense that should be the wonderful dilemma of the Christian life . Though rich with meaning and purpose , we 're constantly aware that in this life , we 're only passing through . Reading Deadline challenged me to live with , in Randy 's own words , ' an eternal perspective . ' " The second book of the series , Dominion , was just as good as the first , if not more compelling . It is a murder / mystery also , but it really focuses on racism from the perspective of a black man . I saw it in a whole new light and was changed by it . It was simply amazing ! It spoke about things that have never occurred to me or I never would have thought of . It also , like the first book has many parts that take place in heaven , and leave you desiring to go there . This is my favorite excerpt from the author 's interpretation of heaven : " For one thing , " Dani said , " all this study of my life on earth has been a surprise . I thought I would never look back . I find that what I experience in heaven is largely an outgrowth of earth . The two aren 't disconnected . It 's not a new and separate reality as much as an extension of the old reality . " Torel nodded , as if she had said something self - evident . " My mind is the same mind , only sharper ; my soul the same soul , only completely pure . My skills are the same skills , but less hindered in their expression . I was not a mountain climber on earth and do not have some sudden desire to be one now , though perhaps I will eventually . But I love to paint and swim on earth , and I love to even more now . " " Of course , " Torel said . " You are the same person . Earth leads directly into heaven , just as it leads directly into hell . Your life on earth was your running start into heaven , just as for those who do not know Elyon , it is their running start into hell . What you learned there you bring with you here . The treasures you laid up when you were there will be yours here . Elyon 's gifts are irrevocable . He made you to be an artist not for time but for eternity . You learned to be an artist there to prepare you to be one here . " " Then in the coming kingdom will people have the same jobs as they did on earth ? " " Gifting and vocation are not the same . The doctor , undertaker , police officer and paramedic will not have the same job here . But they will have the same gifts and new opportunities to use them . " " I expected heaven to be entirely different than earth , " Dani said . " Eylon is the same Creator , you are the same creature . It is the same universe . You have simply relocated to a better part of it . It is you in heaven , not some new creature that did not exist on earth . The same person who steps out of earth is the one who steps into heaven . " " I used to think heaven was an entirely new book , with a new cast of characters - - a nice setting , but with no drama , no plot . " " On the contrary , " Torel The last book , Deception , is probably the easiest read of all three . It primarily deals with the murder investigation and could be read as a standalone title . It 's a lot different than the first two books as there aren 't very many references to heaven . It still was a exceptional book that I couldn 't put down when I was reading it . This book is a more for fun kind of read rather than a book that you feel changed afterwards . Without a doubt the greatest " treat " that I can buy myself , would be a cup of hot Chai tea . I love it ! I have never had another drink that comes close to comparing to it . I could be having a horrible day , or have had an argument with my husband , or just plain feeling bad , and this tea warms me up . It 's magic . Now it can 't be just any cup of Chai tea , it has to be made just right . The only place I 've found that sells this perfect cup is , Classic Bean , one of our local coffee shops . I enjoy the tea at Starbucks and I like PT 's okay , but the one from Classic Bean just sends warm fuzzy feelings all the way down to my toes . And I just can 't help myself , after every sip I take , I sigh with pleasure . That might sound a bit weird , or crazy , but I love it . It was God 's gift to me . This Christmas I received one of the greatest gifts ever . A friend of mine gave me a tin of Chai tea , made from a recipe she found online . You know how I love a good cup of it ; well I expected this to be good , but not GREAT . I really do like all Chai teas that I taste ; I just have preference to this one . And I 'm certain the recipe has to be almost identical to the one they are serving at Classic Bean . It 's full of the wonderful , good smelling spices that make my tea so great . I think that adds a lot to the taste , the smell . In every sip I take , I can smell the cinnamon , nutmeg and other delicious spices . When I mixed up my first cup of Chai tea on Christmas evening , I was playing a game with my family over at my parent 's house . We were all having a hilariously good time gathering around the table playing , Boxers or Briefs . As soon as I took my first taste , I couldn 't help myself , I said , " ohhh . . . wow . . . this is good . " I then repeated it without realizing for every sip after . I was just overwhelmed that someone I knew had the recipe for my favorite drink in the world ! I was no longer going to have to pay $ 4 a cup ; I might be able to drink it in the privacy of my own home , whenever I wanted ! Needless to say , I got the recipe a few days later from my friend , and I wanted to share it with you here . It makes a TON of Chai tea , so if you 're not sure if you 'd like it , cut the recipe in half , or do a quarter of it . Or if you 're really not sure , I might give you a small bag from mine , if you ask nicely . 1 ) I used a blender to make my Chai tea . You can only blend about 2 - 3 cups of ingredients at a time . Start with the dry milk and non - dairy creamer . Blend until it is a powdery consistency . 4 ) Blend the unsweetened instant tea along with the spices . Pour this mixture into the bowl . ( This one was VERY messy and I had to scrape out my blender with a spatula ! ) See how much it makes ! ! TONS ! I love it , but really with my family we 'll go through it really quickly . My kids have been asking for a cup of it each day . We all love hot drinks . It 's recommended if you don 't like all the extra spices in your drink you can place your Chai tea mix in a strainer and then hold the strainer over a mug and pour hot water through the strainer into the mug . Or if that sounds like a lot of work , you can just not drink the last few sips where the spices have settled . I personally like that part of the drink . It makes a wonderful treat for the end of the day , or just anytime you need to get a moment for yourself . I love to sit down on the couch , do absolutely nothing , and sip my tea curled up under a cozy blanket . Life is all about the little things . This is one of my favorite little blessings from God . Tea is meant to be enjoyed , sipped slowly , and sometimes shared with a few good friends . |
We all know that we 're in for some snow tomorrow . And with the snow , school 's will close , places won 't stay open as late as normal , activities are postponed , and churches cancel their services . You can always guarantee that whether there is rain , snow , ice , or sun , our church will be meeting together . Even if there is a blizzard , with snow drifting across the roads making it impossible to see , there will be someone meeting at our church . A couple weeks ago , when we had our last snow storm , the kids and I stayed home from church . Ariel was home sick from school that day , and Gabe had stayed home sick the day before , Zechariah was losing his voice , and I felt like they needed to be at home for the evening and not out in a big winter storm . It 's a huge disappointment in our home when we 're not able to attend church . My kids live for these moments when they get to meet together with their friends , learning about God . I couldn 't bear their disappointment , so I told them , even though it 's a blizzard outside , and we 're stuck at home sick , we are the church . We can have church right here in our home . The kids were so excited ! They couldn 't wait for dinner to end so we could be the church . We all made sure our hair was brushed , our clothes looked nice , and Ariel applied her lipstick . We were ready ! At 6 : 30pm we promptly began our service . In preparation , Ariel had made a list of all our favorite songs , and found videos on YouTube that we could worship along to . As our hearts were ready , and the songs were on our lips , God showed up and met us in right there in the computer room of our home . I 've never felt so peaceful in worship , yet so alive , and so free . It was simply amazing ! It brings tears to my eyes , just remembering the awesomeness of the evening . The worship was fantastic ! Ariel is part of the worship team in KidZone at our church , so she is very experienced at showing and teaching the motions to the songs . Being my first time seeing most of these moves , it was at times hard to keep up . But both Gabe and Ariel knew how to dance to all of it . As we were all laughing and dancing together , Gabe said to me , " see how fun it is to sing to these songs . The grown - ups at church don 't know how to do these motions . They just stand there and clap . It 's so boring ! " There is a time to have fun , and a time to be serious . Gabriel has not quite figured out how to enjoy the more serious songs . I know that the day is coming though . I have seen so much growth in my daughter the last few years during our worship time . I love to stand beside her , see her raising her hands , and hear the words coming out of her at full volume , and full of heart . As our worship time came to a close , I had found a short object lesson for my kids . Before we began , I took several pictures of us hanging out . I wanted to teach them about how we are created in God 's image , and therefore we should be reflecting that image as good as we possibly can . " So God created mankind in his own image , in the image of God he created them ; male and female he created them . " Genesis 1 : 27 " And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord . And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us , we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more . " 2 Corinthians 3 : 18 " a physical likeness or representation of a person , animal , or thing , photographed , painted , sculptured , or otherwise made visible . " After we discussed it for awhile , I brought out the digital pictures we had taken a little bit earlier . I showed each of them their photo on the camera and asked " is this picture actually you , or is it just a copy ? " It 's doesn 't move , or think , or breathe , but it sure does look exactly like them . We spent a great deal of time discussing how we can reflect God . The kids both came up with several examples of how they could do this , and we prayed that they would be able to do it . We all made the decision together that we want to be that light on a hill , a person where people see a difference and want what we have . Every day I pray a prayer over my children before they leave for school , " God , show us how we can serve you . Show us who we can be your arms for , showing them your love . " The rest of our time we spent together , we read another devotion book , and then we closed our service with a few more songs . The kids found a YouTube video of a song I remember singing during children 's church . " I am a C . I am a C - H . I am a C - H - R - I - S - T - I - A - N . And I have C - H - R - I - S - T in my H - E - A - R - T and I will L - I - V - E E - T - E - R - N - A - L - L - Y . " It brought back some happy times from when I was younger . Whenever we are learning something new from God , I believe He always gives us an opportunity to test and use it . As our service ended , and after my daughter told me , " this is the best church service I 've ever been to , " the kids got their time of testing . We were about to watch " Letter 's to God " and they were in the kitchen preparing their wonderful cups of Chai Tea . An argument started where there was lots of name calling , and no WWJD happening . I gently spoke some words of reminder and asked if we really all took to heart our discussion from earlier . They were very repentant and said a loud , " yes ! ! We did . " So we tried again . This time Gabriel let his sister finish heating the water for her tea , and then tried to make her feel better ( stomach flu symptoms ) . He kindly sang a song he wrote just for her about birds flying . She very sweetly told him , " Thank you , Gabe . I really like the motions you even made for it . " It was then that it seemed to sink in for Gabe . He came back to where I was standing in the kitchen and said , " You know what ? When I was trying to be nice to Ariel , I kinda got this warm feeling inside me . And I felt really good for being nice . " YES ! He gets it ! I was so proud to hear him say that . God had our entire evening planned out . What we thought was going to be a big misfortune , turned into one of the most beautiful memories I have with my children . We spent the entire night focusing on God , and trying to hear what He would have us hear . It was our second time watching " Letter 's to God , " and it perfectly fit in with our night . Gabe couldn 't believe that the movie was talking about the same thing we just had talked about . God orchestrated a perfect evening . I will always think of that snow storm fondly because I got those few precious moments alone with my children praising God . I would encourage you if you haven 't already , worship together as a family ! It will change you , and I 'm sure if will change your children . There is something unifying to sing and dance together , giving glory to God . I 'm sure that Wednesday night He was up in heaven just smiling down on us , saying " They get it ! They really do ! " When I was a kid , I always enjoyed a roll of duct tape , or any type of tape for that matter . And now that duct tape comes in all colors and styles , I 'm in heaven ! I was constantly getting in trouble as a kid for using up all the tape . I just love it ! I was blessed with a daughter who shares my love , and she received her first roll of tape for Christmas this year . I can now sympathize with my mom from years ago , as I go to look for MY ROLL of tape and find it hidden in my daughters room being used for her latest art project . One of my newest hobbies has been making purses out of duct tape . I received my very first duct tape purse from my niece , Mikaela , a few years ago . She actually had made it with Ariel in mind , but my daughter thought it seemed silly to have a purse made out of tape . Little did she know that a couple years later she would be begging me to make one for herself . I loved my first duct tape purse . As you can see , it 's very special and was made with love . I 'm certain I will keep it for always . First you have to determine how large you want your purse . I make mine about 8 inches tall . I start by cutting several 8 or 9 inch strips in 1 color , and then fold each of them in half lengthwise . Next you are going to work on the sides and bottom . Depending on how large you want it , will determine how many strips you need . I make my purses rather skinny , and only use 2 strips wide . Seal all the edges . Make sure when you 're making them you match the same dimensions as the front and back of your purse . If you don 't make it tall enough , it will end up looking bad . You make three of these , one for each side , and then one for the bottom of the purse . After you 've attached all the sides to the bottom , you can continue taping all the sides together to form your purse . When I 've gotten all the insides of my purse taped , I go ahead and tape the outside edges too . I think it gives it a stronger hold , and it looks better . Once all my sides have been taped , I work on the top lip of the purse . If my sides are not all even , I cut them down to the right size , then I finish it off by adding a long strip of duct tape all the way around . I normally tear the piece in half lengthwise before I attach it to the purse . Otherwise it covers too much of the checkered pattern . The next step is working on the strap of your purse . I 've done a couple different types . My daughter 's favorite is a braided handle . On this purse , I made it simple and just cut two different color long strips of duct tape to make the handle . You want to make sure to secure your handle very tightly so it doesn 't come lose . With the larger checkered purse , I use a long piece of tape and attach it completely down the side of the purse . I 've also seen it recommended , as you attach your handle , to use a long enough piece of tape that will stick all the way down the side and onto the bottom of the purse . I have used grommets on my purse handles too . They make a more professional look . However , it can be a little difficult to cut the hole when you 're going through several layers of duct tape . Most of the purses I make are small enough that duct tape will hold the handle on . And I 've often made the joke to the friends I 've given these to , " If it breaks , just duct tape it back together . Duct tape fixes everything ! " The last step is adding your embellishments . My personal favorite is a small bow , placed off center on the top edge . Ariel really likes to add a duct tape rose to her purse . If you have an X - Acto knife you can cut different pictures out to add . I haven 't quite mastered using my knife yet . Duct tape is so sticky , it 's really tricky ! I 've made a couple of these purses to be used as gifts for Ariel 's friends . I always like to add some more duct tape things for inside . For this purse , I made a matching pink and purple wallet and a pretty duct tape rose that we sprayed with perfume to make it appear even more real . Be creative ! This was my very first duct tape purse I made myself . I put several hours into it , and a couple rolls of duct tape . I started making my purses smaller now . This one I put pleats in to make it a little fancier , and I added a pocket . This was my first " man - bag " . Gabriel loves it and carries it to school every day . He 's even offered my services to all the little girls in his class ! For Christmas this year , we got Zech his first set of fingerpaints . I don 't know why we waited so long . He loves them ! Anytime he sees me working on a project , he drags out the paint himself , grabs his big oversized paper , and takes a paper plate from the cupboard . He is a little budding artist ! I was actually very hesitant to get fingerpaint for Zech because he takes after me and hates to get his hands dirty . Paint is different for him ! He gets really into it and doesn 't even care that his fingers are all slimy and wet . When the paint runs out , the fun is all gone ! It is then that Zech starts to freak out a little about the feeling on his hands . But if you just add more paint to the plate , the fun is back , and he doesn 't care . It is with great humility that I continue my post from yesterday . I was feeling so good as I left my house to pick up my children from school . I had just posted what I felt like was a message from God , and I had it figured out . I got a couple blocks from my house , and my car started to act funny . It was like it just wouldn 't go . I tried to step on the gas harder , as I was gripping the steering wheel very tightly trying to keep it going in the direction I wanted to go . I only had a few feet and I needed to get over in the left lane , so I could make a left turn onto the street leading to the school . I had no idea what was happening to my car , but I suspected that I was running out of gas . I planned on getting the kids first and then heading straight to the gas station , but I figured plans had changed . I needed gas now . I was coming up on a busy intersection and knew my car wasn 't going to make it much further . There was NO WAY I was going to let the car die on the busy street . I wasn 't thinking about the danger , I was just thinking , HOW HUMILIATING ! I was able to step on the gas a little and my car crawled forward , allowing me to turn off onto a side street , the opposite way that I wanted to be . I just didn 't want to take any chances that the car would die while making a left turn , therefore blocking all the oncoming traffic . I was going up a hill , and couldn 't decide what to do . The car hadn 't completely died yet , but I knew any second it was going to , so I kept plugging away up the hill . It quit on me right as I was in front of someone 's driveway . There was no pulling over , it just died ! I prayed some very desperate prayers , hoping no one was going to come out and yell at me that I was blocking their driveway . I tried turning the car on again , and I was able to slowly eek my way forward a few more feet , and then it was all over . The car was dead , and there was nothing I could do about it . My stress level was rising a little , but I remembered to think positively . Thank you , God , the car didn 't die in the middle of the intersection . I was on a side street , with not very much traffic . I had about 15 minutes before the kids would be walking out of their school building , and I was clueless at what to do , or who to call . We 're a one car family , remember . There was nothing my husband could do to save me . He was stuck at work until his ride was ready to go home . But sometimes you just need to whine to someone , and see what they think you should do . I called my husband . He was very sympathetic and told me he would come help as soon as he got home from work . At this point , I got out of my car , and immediately a man pulled over and asked if I needed help . I 'm a little leery of strange men , but my husband was on the phone , so I figured what harm could come to me . I explained I was pretty certain I just ran out of gas , and I should be able to take care of it . ( Right ? ) He said he had to go somewhere , but he would be right back to help me . At this point , my time was about up , and the kids were going to be worrying if I didn 't get over to the school . So I told the man , " I 've got my husband on the phone here , and I think I 'll be fine . But thank you very much . " About 30 seconds after that , another man stopped , and asked if he could help me . I politely refused again , and said I must go get my children from school right now . My stress level was continuing to rise , but I think I kept myself in control pretty well . Just as I was getting off the phone , the first guy is back , wanting to help me . I was so overwhelmed by how nice people were being . I felt like such a ditz running out of gas , and nobody seemed concerned at all about that . They just wanted to do anything they could to help me . The time was now 3 : 30pm and I told the guy my kids are out of school , so I really can 't do anything about it right now , but thank you so much for the offer . ( again ! ) And a few seconds after that , the second guy is back . He said he had to drop his children off somewhere , but if I was still there when he got back , he WAS helping me . I was feeling very blessed at this point . I mean I had two strangers that just couldn 't seem to let me be . They were just determined to help out . I grabbed my stroller out of the trunk , knowing that time was up and I needed to move it quickly . Before I started to walk away , I had the owner of the house my car died in front of , come walking down the driveway towards me . She was a very sweet old lady , and asked if I wanted to come inside to get warm for a little bit . I explained my predicament , and said , I really must get my kids from school . She wanted to drive me . I politely declined , and said I would be fine , but thank you for the offer . Finally I made it to the kid 's school . I was about 15 minutes late , and Gabriel 's first words to me were , " Mom . I thought it was like the future and you had left me and died or something . " He is a little bit overdramatic sometimes . I was still feeling very positive and thankful that everything was going to be okay . We were just going to walk home , and Titus would get the car . In fact , I was actually really proud of myself . I felt like I had faced a stressful situation , and I was doing well . It might just turn into an adventure with the kids too . They were excited about walking home ! We made it about half a block away , and my perspective was starting to slip . The kids were enjoying their walk , trudging through the SNOW . I was really thankful that the temperature was pretty pleasant outside , but the snow was starting to get to me . If you remember earlier , I mentioned that I pulled the stroller out of the trunk . It sounded like a really good idea when you have a three year old who doesn 't like to walk very much , and always requests to be carried . I knew my arms would get tired , so I was just grateful I had the stroller along . The majority of our walk home takes place on a very busy main street . During the school rush , the traffic is just as busy as it is at 5 o ' clock . There was no option of walking down the street with the stroller . I 'm certain it was at least 50 pounds I was DRAGGING through the snow . My back started to hurt , my hands were getting blisters , and I was MISERABLE . I just couldn 't take it anymore . It was like the pot didn 't crack , it shattered . The pieces were falling all over the place , and I couldn 't stay in control anymore . I was done thinking positively . I just wanted to quit . I was so mad at myself for thinking that a stroller would be helpful . It 's NOT ! It 's probably about the most torturesome thing I could have chosen to do at that moment . The corner is made for high traffic . Instead of just one stoplight for the block , there are now two . On two separate occasions , we had to try to beat the light at getting across . It 's a simple feat if you 're just walking on foot . But I 'm dragging a stroller , bumping it along the way , trying not to dump my child out of it . I actually had a car with a couple young teenage girls in it that got a real kick out of me dragging my stroller , walking backwards . They had the nerve to point and laugh at me , when I was already feeling utterly humiliated . How could they be so mean when I 'm crying , trying to pull my way through the cold wet snow . We finally made it just a block or two from our house , when I hit the total bottom of my misery . They recently redid the road , and completely tore up the ground . No grass grows there ; it 's just mud and straw thrown over the top . The snow is still completely covering the ground , so it 's very difficult to know where the sidewalk is . ESPECIALLY when you 're walking BACKWARDS . The sun was out and had melted a lot of snow . The mud was wet , and very deep . My shoes that I wear in the snow have a 2 inch heel on it . I like it because it elevates me enough that I just walk on top of the snow , instead of sinking into it . Well , we all sunk into the mud past the heel of my shoe . So now I 'm wet , my back is aching , I have blisters on my hands , my pride is gone , and I 'm covered with mud . I was done . If I didn 't have children with me . I think I would have just stopped and cried for awhile before moving on . I wasn 't just focusing on the bad , I was wallowing in it . And I was MAD , and I was crying and yelling , " GODDDD ! What happened ? ? ? Why did you let me go through this ? Why couldn 't you have done something ? " If I was God , and I had just listened to the walk home from school that took place , I wouldn 't have been gently whispering . I would have been screaming . " What do you mean , I didn 't help you ? ? I sent people back over and over again , and you were too proud . Then if that wasn 't bad enough , I sent a woman to help , and you turned her down 4 TIMES for a ride ! ! I tried to help you ! So don 't get mad at me because you were too stubborn ! " I am so thankful that God is not like me . He is always so patient and understanding . He gives us second chances , and third chances , and 20 chances . . . " Humble yourselves before the Lord , and he will lift you up . " ( James 4 : 10 ) I just saw that this happens to be the verse of the day on my blog . I couldn 't help but thank God for His mercy when I saw this . It 's been awhile since I wrote my post about personal declarations . At that point in my life , I was declaring that I would take things " one step at a time , and one day at a time . " We had just had our second car break down , and I was spending all my time driving around . I 'm still declaring that , and God is coming through for me like He always does . Lately , I 've been feeling kind of down . I think that it 's really common for me this time of year . I spend so much time getting ready for things to come , that I often forget to live right in the moment . Gabriel has a birthday that 's coming up in a couple of weeks , and a lot of my free time has been spent getting ready for it . But I love to do the work because I know it will be spectacular in the end ! I took my son shopping this past weekend , and we made a whole afternoon of it . We had lunch together at Subway , shopped at Good Will and the mall , and several other specialty shops . We looked all over the city for " Super Mario " things . The trip started out to be a huge success , and then quickly went downhill . We went to store after store , and found nothing . There was either nothing there , or it was WAYYY too expensive . I tried to talk Gabe into maybe getting something besides Mario , but he wouldn 't listen . He started to get more and more sullen , and developed a very bad attitude . I had to take him aside and tell him these words , " Stop focusing on what you 're not getting , and try to remember what you 've already gotten ! " I have uttered these words so many times to each of my children , getting frustrated at them for being so ungrateful . A couple weeks ago my daughter and I took a Saturday afternoon and spent it shopping . She wanted to make a duct tape purse for a friend of hers , so we went to the store together to pick out a few colors of duct tape . We also picked up a couple new things for her bedroom that we recently had redone . As our time was drawing to a close , she asked me again if we could go out for a special treat together . That means a pretzel from Target , or a coffee from Classic Bean . I tried to explain that we had already spent all the money we were going to on the things we just bought . I hate to tell my children that we have no money for something . That 's never the case . God has blessed us greatly ! I try to help my children learn that there are just some things that we haven 't made a priority to spend our money on . It 's not that we don 't have money to eat out today ; we just chose to buy " material items " to take home with us . So as I told her again that we already spent all the money we were going to that day , she started to get upset and cry because she wanted to have that treat with me . I used my favorite phrase on her , " Stop thinking about what you 're not getting , and remember what we just got and the time we just spent together ! " So as I was getting ready for church this Sunday morning I found myself getting more and more frustrated and losing my patience . All these things kept running through my mind . I 'm tired of going to church early ; I wish we had another car ! This week our Pastor Gordon had a different kind of message . He spent the service interviewing a friend of mine . It was totally unexpected and exactly what I needed to hear . Sometimes it just helps knowing that you are not the only one who feels down , or who struggles in life . There were a couple of times that I felt so convicted and then comforted just to hear what was being said . It was a phenomenal service . As it drew to a close , and the altar time started , I began to pray while standing at my seat . I don 't even know what words I prayed ; I was just talking to God . I saw my sister go forward for prayer with my mother , and it just hit me like a ton of bricks falling . I am that selfish little kid whining and crying about what I don 't have when my life is overflowing with awesome miracles that God has provided for me . As I stood there and cried , thinking about how selfish I had become , God sent me a friend . She didn 't say much , but she put her arm around me , and I felt the arm of God saying , " It 's okay . I know . " It was such a powerful moment ; I don 't really have any words to even describe it . God is always bigger than any obstacle or feeling that you have . He will whisper the truth in a loving way , with His arm wrapped around your shoulder - just coming to stand by you for comfort . I was upset about something that happened with one friend , feeling unwanted , when I am surrounded by women who love me and are there for me . I have an awesome group of friends that I can get together with and be myself . I can laugh with them , and even cry with them . We can watch silly movies , and we can watch serious ones . We can study books , make crafts , or just have our children play together . God has blessed me so much in the area of friendship . I was inconvenienced a little on a Sunday morning by having to leave an hour early for church , when everyday of the week my husband gets a ride from a friend in to work . We 've never been without a car , and I don 't have to even drive my husband anymore , yet I was throwing a fit about one day of the week . God has provided in ways that He didn 't even need to , but He wanted to . In less than a month , we should have enough money to buy a new car . God is AWESOME ! I whine and cry about having to wear my glasses every day , but the truth is , we have the money to get me some contacts . I 've just been too lazy to schedule the appointment to get it done . God has blessed our family financially above what is necessary . We 've never been without the desires of our hearts . He always provides ; not just our needs , but our wants . I am so blessed by God . I wish that I would never forget that , but it happens . And then He always gently but persistently reminds me . God is WOW , and I love Him with all my heart . It 's been awhile since I shared what my pastor , Gordon , has been speaking about . This past Sunday it was on the topic of Death . I found it to be very thought provoking , and wanted to post my notes here . It 's also a good segue into a book series I 've been wanting to recommend for a long time now . What is wrong with this quote ? Doesn 't it just not sit right with you ? For me I pictured the crash dummy just riding along at a quick pace and then as he hits the brick wall parts of his fake body just go flying everywhere . It doesn 't leave you with a very pleasant feeling . That 's not how I want my life to end , or how I believe my life will end . I found it to be a very interesting sermon . It 's one of those that gets you thinking about life after death . For the longest time I would start to think about heaven and my palms would start to sweat , my breath would get short , and anxiety would overcome me . I know as a Christian we are supposed to look forward to heaven , and be excited to go there . Well , up until recently , if I was completely honest , I dreaded the thought . I love Jesus , but can I really live forever and ever and ever . Maybe when I was a kid I shouldn 't have watched the movie " Death Becomes Her " . It gave me nightmares , but also a little bit of insight into how life would be lived here on this earth forever . We know heaven won 't be like this life so it 's just hard to imagine what it will be like . I 've heard sermons on heaven and how wonderful it 's going to be . The streets are going to be made of gold , and we 'll be feasting , and never be sick again . I 've been in worship services where the leader will say , " won 't this be great ? We 'll be doing this forever in heaven . " That never brought me very much comfort . I mean , really , I can 't sing that song forever . I am not a singer . It wasn 't until my birthday this past year that my entire perspective changed . I finally believe I can see a glimpse of what heaven truly could be like , and I 'm excited . I 'm actually anxious to go there . For my birthday , Titus found a book for me that came highly recommended . He was searching online and happened to see this book on the best seller list . The only thing he didn 't realize was that it was the best seller list years ago . It 's actually the first book of a three - part series by Randy Alcorn . I have found that I can 't even put into words to describe how wonderful these books are . They have lots of details in them and can seem intimidating when you first pick it up . But after just a few chapters you 'll be hooked . All three are murder / mystery works of fiction . They are inspiring and leave you feeling full of life . I thoroughly enjoyed each book and can 't wait to read the books again so I can get more out of it the second time around . I found a review by Joshua Harris that I thought said exactly what I felt after reading this book . Here is his last paragraph . " In a letter I wrote to Randy Alcorn thanking him for his novel , I told him I 'd never felt more " excited about being alive and more anxious to die . " In a very real sense that should be the wonderful dilemma of the Christian life . Though rich with meaning and purpose , we 're constantly aware that in this life , we 're only passing through . Reading Deadline challenged me to live with , in Randy 's own words , ' an eternal perspective . ' " The second book of the series , Dominion , was just as good as the first , if not more compelling . It is a murder / mystery also , but it really focuses on racism from the perspective of a black man . I saw it in a whole new light and was changed by it . It was simply amazing ! It spoke about things that have never occurred to me or I never would have thought of . It also , like the first book has many parts that take place in heaven , and leave you desiring to go there . This is my favorite excerpt from the author 's interpretation of heaven : " For one thing , " Dani said , " all this study of my life on earth has been a surprise . I thought I would never look back . I find that what I experience in heaven is largely an outgrowth of earth . The two aren 't disconnected . It 's not a new and separate reality as much as an extension of the old reality . " Torel nodded , as if she had said something self - evident . " My mind is the same mind , only sharper ; my soul the same soul , only completely pure . My skills are the same skills , but less hindered in their expression . I was not a mountain climber on earth and do not have some sudden desire to be one now , though perhaps I will eventually . But I love to paint and swim on earth , and I love to even more now . " " Of course , " Torel said . " You are the same person . Earth leads directly into heaven , just as it leads directly into hell . Your life on earth was your running start into heaven , just as for those who do not know Elyon , it is their running start into hell . What you learned there you bring with you here . The treasures you laid up when you were there will be yours here . Elyon 's gifts are irrevocable . He made you to be an artist not for time but for eternity . You learned to be an artist there to prepare you to be one here . " " Then in the coming kingdom will people have the same jobs as they did on earth ? " " Gifting and vocation are not the same . The doctor , undertaker , police officer and paramedic will not have the same job here . But they will have the same gifts and new opportunities to use them . " " I expected heaven to be entirely different than earth , " Dani said . " Eylon is the same Creator , you are the same creature . It is the same universe . You have simply relocated to a better part of it . It is you in heaven , not some new creature that did not exist on earth . The same person who steps out of earth is the one who steps into heaven . " " I used to think heaven was an entirely new book , with a new cast of characters - - a nice setting , but with no drama , no plot . " " On the contrary , " Torel The last book , Deception , is probably the easiest read of all three . It primarily deals with the murder investigation and could be read as a standalone title . It 's a lot different than the first two books as there aren 't very many references to heaven . It still was a exceptional book that I couldn 't put down when I was reading it . This book is a more for fun kind of read rather than a book that you feel changed afterwards . Without a doubt the greatest " treat " that I can buy myself , would be a cup of hot Chai tea . I love it ! I have never had another drink that comes close to comparing to it . I could be having a horrible day , or have had an argument with my husband , or just plain feeling bad , and this tea warms me up . It 's magic . Now it can 't be just any cup of Chai tea , it has to be made just right . The only place I 've found that sells this perfect cup is , Classic Bean , one of our local coffee shops . I enjoy the tea at Starbucks and I like PT 's okay , but the one from Classic Bean just sends warm fuzzy feelings all the way down to my toes . And I just can 't help myself , after every sip I take , I sigh with pleasure . That might sound a bit weird , or crazy , but I love it . It was God 's gift to me . This Christmas I received one of the greatest gifts ever . A friend of mine gave me a tin of Chai tea , made from a recipe she found online . You know how I love a good cup of it ; well I expected this to be good , but not GREAT . I really do like all Chai teas that I taste ; I just have preference to this one . And I 'm certain the recipe has to be almost identical to the one they are serving at Classic Bean . It 's full of the wonderful , good smelling spices that make my tea so great . I think that adds a lot to the taste , the smell . In every sip I take , I can smell the cinnamon , nutmeg and other delicious spices . When I mixed up my first cup of Chai tea on Christmas evening , I was playing a game with my family over at my parent 's house . We were all having a hilariously good time gathering around the table playing , Boxers or Briefs . As soon as I took my first taste , I couldn 't help myself , I said , " ohhh . . . wow . . . this is good . " I then repeated it without realizing for every sip after . I was just overwhelmed that someone I knew had the recipe for my favorite drink in the world ! I was no longer going to have to pay $ 4 a cup ; I might be able to drink it in the privacy of my own home , whenever I wanted ! Needless to say , I got the recipe a few days later from my friend , and I wanted to share it with you here . It makes a TON of Chai tea , so if you 're not sure if you 'd like it , cut the recipe in half , or do a quarter of it . Or if you 're really not sure , I might give you a small bag from mine , if you ask nicely . 1 ) I used a blender to make my Chai tea . You can only blend about 2 - 3 cups of ingredients at a time . Start with the dry milk and non - dairy creamer . Blend until it is a powdery consistency . 4 ) Blend the unsweetened instant tea along with the spices . Pour this mixture into the bowl . ( This one was VERY messy and I had to scrape out my blender with a spatula ! ) See how much it makes ! ! TONS ! I love it , but really with my family we 'll go through it really quickly . My kids have been asking for a cup of it each day . We all love hot drinks . It 's recommended if you don 't like all the extra spices in your drink you can place your Chai tea mix in a strainer and then hold the strainer over a mug and pour hot water through the strainer into the mug . Or if that sounds like a lot of work , you can just not drink the last few sips where the spices have settled . I personally like that part of the drink . It makes a wonderful treat for the end of the day , or just anytime you need to get a moment for yourself . I love to sit down on the couch , do absolutely nothing , and sip my tea curled up under a cozy blanket . Life is all about the little things . This is one of my favorite little blessings from God . Tea is meant to be enjoyed , sipped slowly , and sometimes shared with a few good friends . |
A couple months ago , I found out I had an umbilical hernia . While we waited for the insurance company to decide if I could have surgery , and then get said surgery scheduled , my doctor gave me one order : No lifting and no straining . Great . I had visions of spending another summer completely out of commission . I am now happy to report that I had the surgery , it was a success , and I have just been given the go ahead to gradually increase the work I am able to do . Yes , I am obeying the " gradually " rule because I really want to get better . Since I didn 't know for sure if I would be able work outside this summer , I decided to not have a garden . For the first time in years , I did not buy any seeds or plants . I keep feeling like I 'm forgetting something . I am going to use this summer to plan next year 's garden , and work on getting the ground ready . My camera got knocked off the table with the lens open , and suffered some damage . Sometimes , it works , and sometimes it doesn 't . Chicken Girl took these pictures , and had trouble getting consistent focus . The thyme survived the winter , and there are some volunteer sunflowers . Last summer , I planted some Borage and Love in a Mist , but they just decided to come up now . Gotta love those unexpected blessings . I 've found wild grapes growing in one of the fence rows , and some of the mulberry trees are producing like crazy . The blackberries we planted last year survived for the most part , and a few plants even have some green fruit . The lawn and weeds have taken off too . Unfortunately , one of our weed eaters , and both lawn mowers are out of commission . Ed will probably want to tell you about that . I did pull a few weeds yesterday , but I got tired quickly , and decided I probably shouldn 't over do it . The dogs have finally decided to stay put . Ed is two thirds finished with a new dog house , and they have already moved in . Libby is still digging like crazy , but she has found other places beside the fence . We just have to watch for the sink holes ! My mom 's best friend decided that Chicken Girl needed a better chicken coop , so she bought one and had it shipped to us . Moony and his girls are living there , and Sunny and company were finally moved from the oldest coop to the new one that we built . Everyone seems happy for now , and the eggs are coming steadily again . Chicken Girl and I finished the school year , and we were both ready . Several months ago , I told you we were getting ready to start dissection in Biology . She did one crayfish , and begged me not to make her do any more . I didn 't , but I adjusted her grade accordingly . Oh , she just had a birthday . She 's seventeen . Time sure flies . Last week , we had three days in the 90 's and three nights of some intense thunderstorms . We didn 't have any serious damage ; just a few limbs down off the big elm tree near the garage . One of those mornings , I stepped out on front porch just to take a quick look around . The weeds all survived . So did this guy . This morning about 5 : 00 , Ed and I heard a dog barking in our front yard . It wasn 't one of ours . We got up , looked , didn 't see anything , and went back to bed . When we got back up later , I realized two of the cats were outside . Captain came in , but Adora didn 't . We found her this afternoon . She was alive , and she didn 't have any marks we could find , but she was obviously not good . The vet couldn 't find any marks either at first . She has super thick fur . When he finally did find them , there were three or four bite marks and they were on her back end . So , he gave her fluids , antibiotics , steroids , and liquid nutrition . He said to bring her home , keep her warm ( her temperature was below normal ) , and call him in the morning to let him know how she 's doing . Now she 's covered up in a box in Chicken Girl 's room . This is a picture I took of her a few days ago : A living bookend . I thought the glowing eyes were funny . Well , that 's all the news for now . My dad tells stories about his older brother taking apart toasters , blenders , etc , putting them back together and having them work better , even with a few " leftover " parts . I 'm not sure if that 's completely accurate , but I do know that my uncle was really good at fixing things . My dad isn 't too shabby at it either . He 's good at making what he needs out of what he has too , but that 's another blog post . As a kid and young adult , I remember visiting repair shops where toasters , blenders , and other small appliances were repaired . Sometimes those places fixed TV 's and VCR 's too . I haven 't seen a place like that in a long time . I did an internet search to see if any of those places still exist . A few do , like this one that , at least for awhile , had a blog too . I found one repair shop that seems to deal with large appliances , but had advice for small appliance repair . They said " Most small appliance repairs are simple so many people generally try and fix them instead of calling a repair person " . You can read the rest of that article here . I don 't know that most people really do try and fix it themselves . I think they throw it away and buy a new one , because that 's how most of us do things now . That 's what I did for a long time . Sometimes I still do it . Sometimes things aren 't designed to be fixed either , but that 's another blog post too . My next stop was YouTube . I 've been part of at least two discussions in the last few weeks where someone said , " You can learn how to do anything on Youtube ! " I don 't know if that 's true , but I know that Ed and I both have learned how to do things by using YouTube videos . I use it as a home school supplement too . I will offer one little piece of advice about that , however . You might want to look at a few different videos , because the one you start with may leave out an important step , ( or loosen bolts / screws ahead of time ) and not tell you . I tried to insert his " how to repair a broken toaster " video here , but it keeps showing up as " how to clean a table saw blade " . I tried another video on his channel , and it did the same . The table saw video is the first one on the list , and for some reason that is the only one that will play embedded here . Here is the link to the toaster video . I don 't know about you , but when I think about a blacksmith , I see a sweat soaked , soot covered man wielding a hammer . I think of him as someone from the past , as most of us probably do . My research brought some nice surprises . Blacksmithing is alive and well ! The knowledge is still out there , if you want to get it . Foxfire 5 has an entire section on Iron Making and Black Smithing . It includes drawings and pictures of furnaces , as well as explanations of the difference between wrought iron , pig iron , and steel . Of course , in true Foxfire style , there are the interviews with " old timers " who have inside information on the relevant subject . " A blacksmith forges objects of metal typically wrought iron or steel . To forge metal is to shape it , by heating then hammering , or pressing it into the desired form . " Foxfire 5 , pg 112 " At that time the blacksmith played a vital role in his community and was generally accorded his respect . There is hardly a facet of life his work did not touch upon ; indeed without his skills , the prevailing life - style would have been extremely primitive . Most of the items a blacksmith made and repaired were either tools or other work related items , such as harness fittings and ox yokes . In a culture where everyone , even children had to work just to get by , it 's not hard to understand how important the blacksmith was . " Foxfire 5 , pg 108 . " On the subject of tools , Leo Tippett said , ' My father took good care of his tools . He never threw them down in the dirt , or on a rock . They 's scarce . My daddy 'd give me a going over if I throwed a tool down in the dirt or rock . And I 'm glad he did . You have to respect tools . Good sharp tools are the name of the game ' " Foxfire 5 , pg . 112 The blacksmith was important to a community because he made much needed tools and equipment . Today , much of what he did is manufactured in factories and shipped to stores where we buy it . One video I watched said the local smithy has been replaced by Lowe 's and Home Depot . According to Simon Grant Jones , the passing of the time when horses were commonly used for work and travel spelled the end of the " traditional country smithy " . Simon is a practicing blacksmith , so take some time to explore his site . Another interesting historical fact he mentions is that often , at the end of the day , embers from the smithy were taken to the bread ovens to bake bread . Talk about members of a community working together ! Once again , I went to YouTube to see what I could find about Blacksmithing . I found a lot ! The best one though , was this treasure . Love that he had kids learning in the shop , not to mention the techie . Ed is feeling better and working to rebuild the dog pen . He hoped to finish today , but the weather has not cooperated . Cold and wet is not a good environment for someone barely over an upper respiratory infection , so he spent yesterday working inside . He worked some this morning , but then went to bed , because he has to work tonight . When we finish new pen , we 'll show you what we did . Last week , I had the opportunity to purchase six grown Rhode Island Red hens from an acquaintance who had more than she needed . When the hens were delivered last weekend , we learned they hadn 't been handled much . Chicken Girl was going to have her job cut out for her . When we first got them , we dumped them in the chicken tractor … literally . They came in a dog crate and the old owners upended the crate under the tractor , while we blocked the sides to prevent escapes . The funniest thing was that within five minutes of getting them in the tractor , Moony Rooster escaped his pen and came running to investigate the new girls . That evening , we decided we needed to put them in the big coop with the other chickens , because the tractor doesn 't have much in the way of shelter . That was an experience for Katherine . First , raising the tractor enough to grab a chicken that didn 't want to be grabbed . Then trying to hang onto it long enough to get it into the pen . Once she got them all in the pen , then she had to get them into the coop . Still , once she gets hold of them , they calm down quickly . She only got scratched once , and she considered that a win . Every day , it seems that they are easier for her to handle . The six new girls and the two old ones are having to work out their differences of course , but that was expected . Like she always has , Tundra Hen escapes several times a day . Then Moony Rooster follows her . Day before yesterday , during one of the many daily escapes , Katherine had a moment of panic when she realized Tundra was inside the dog pen . Then she remembered the dogs weren 't there . Later however , when when Ed was moving the dog house , an egg rolled out . Then I noticed the second egg inside the house . I guess Tundra was feeling a little crowded with her new coop mates . Coop improvements will be coming soon . This is technically Ed 's week . However , Ed has been sick for the last two weeks . What started out as a sinus and ear infection has moved to his chest . He went to the doctor for the second time yesterday , and she started him on a new round of antibiotics and a prescription cough medicine . He really hasn 't felt well , and to be honest , I don 't know if he realizes it 's his " turn " . I 'm not going to put any more pressure on him than he has already put on himself . He missed two days work that first week . He made one day up , and has been working ever since , except for his normal days off . Several weeks ago , he wrote about our constant battle to keep our dogs contained . Pallets around the fence perimeter seemed to be the solution … when we could get pallets . Unfortunately , the supply dried up , and we were back to using whatever we could find . At least twice a day , one of us would walk the fence , looking for evidence of new digging . Once or twice , we found some and were able to block the hole . I would love to go buy everything we need , and just fix the stupid fence , but we don 't have that kind of money , so we do damage control . At least Meeko quit climbing right ? A few days after Ed went back to work , the dogs got out , and I couldn 't find the hole . Using flashlights , Katherine and I walked the whole fence , and could not find where they escaped . I was doing some things in the house that made bringing them in for the night extremely inconvenient . In frustration , I decided to shut them in one of the rooms in the barn that had a cement floor and locking door . Katherine and I carried blankets , food and water out to the barn , and locked them in for the night . The next day , Ed and I both looked for the escape route , but couldn 't find it . I still can 't believe that Libby climbed the fence , but I don 't have any other explanation for her escape . To see if we could catch them , Ed put out the game camera for a few days . The only thing we saw was chickens , three of our chickens have found out how to get out their pen , and have decided to free range themselves . The interesting thing was that the dogs really didn 't seem interested . Four days later , we found out how wrong we were . From the game camera : chickens outside the dog pen . If Libby sees them , she 's not interested . Last Friday , we finally got good , gully washing , basement flooding , rain . We needed it . It 's been a dry winter . That day , our three free range wanna be 's flew out of their pen . I saw them and told Katherine . She can round them up faster than I can , so she went out to get them . A few seconds after she went out the door , I heard a noise that I cannot describe . I went to investigate , and met Katherine and Meeko at the back door . " Put him in the house ! He got Hoppy ! Hoppy ran off ! " Katherine was already running off to find the rooster when I grabbed Meeko , pulled him inside , went outside myself and shut the door behind me . ( Ed was sleeping ) . My first thought was of Libby , but she was still in the pen . Katherine and I found Hoppy hiding in the weeds . At first glance , he looked like he had been plucked . All the feathers were gone from between his shoulder blades and from his back , near his tail feathers . Later I would change the impression from " plucked " to " skinned " . I rounded up the other chickens , and then went to get Meeko put back in the pen . Ed was awake and I quickly explained what happened . Once Meeko was out of the house , Kat brought Hoppy in and we cleaned and treated his wounds . Then we put him in a crate in Katherine 's room . Ed and I restarted the discussion we 've had too many times : How do we keep the dogs in ? Ed went to the barn and came back with two cables with hooks on them . His thought was that we 're going to have to tie them up , we just weren 't sure how to do it . A little while later , one of us , I don 't remember which , saw Libby outside the fence . I went out first while Ed went to get his shoes . By the time I got outside , Libby had bolted . I saw both dogs on the far side of my neighbor 's house , and called to them . Then I saw the other dog . Meeko ran toward it , and then both dogs ran back toward me , with the new dog coming quickly behind . I got Meeko , and gave him to Katherine . I turned to see Libby head back toward the other dog . In the meanwhile , our neighbor 's son came calling the other dog . I called Libby again , and for the first time in her life , she came to me , and I was able to get hold of her . The man was apologizing for his dog , and I was apologizing for ours , and somehow , Katherine lost her grip on Meeko . Fortunately , Ed was out by then and was able to get him before our neighbor 's son was in the middle of a dog fight . Fuming , Ed headed toward the barn with Meeko . I sent Katherine to the house for a leash , and when she brought it , I used it to take Libby to the barn as well . Ed had to go to work , so Katherine and I would have to deal with letting the dogs out to do their business . That would be ok for the night , but what about tomorrow ? Then I remembered the cables . I attached them to a stall door , and then was able to use them to let the dogs out . Hoppy died the next day . We were even more determined . We know that we need to do something about the chickens too , but we feel that the dogs are the bigger issue . Even if we could protect our chickens , some of our neighbors have chickens too . The original plan was to keep the dogs tethered out for a few days while Ed and I did some serious refurbishing of the pen . We decided we would start over . We would clear the fence rows , and combine everything that we have to dig and climb - proof the pen . We would even get out the electric fence box and see if we could figure out why it won 't work . We would start on Ed 's next day off . The dogs would only have to spend a few nights in the barn , and a few days tethered . The Ed got sicker . His chest is so congested that he gets winded easily and has been sleeping a lot . I can 't help but feel that if I had been a little more on the ball with learning about natural remedies , he might have been able to head some of this off . I 'm not real crazy about his having to take a second round of antibiotics , and neither is he , but that is where we are . I 've been dealing with some health issues myself , and that doesn 't help either . We need shoes . Many of us don 't want shoes , but we have resigned ourselves to the necessity . We don 't want to be barefoot outside when it 's 10 degrees and snowing . Others , like the infamous Imelda Marcos , and my Grandma Elvera , want shoes for every occasion . Grandma had to have matching belts too , but that 's another story . Shoes used to be made by hand . One of my favorite fairy tales is the one about the Shoemaker and the Elves . In the story , a poor shoemaker has only enough leather to make one more pair of shoes . He carefully cuts out the leather pieces , and leaves them out over night , intending to sew them the next morning . When he awakens , he finds the shoes already finished . You can read the rest of the story here . Just out of curiosity , I got on YouTube and entered " shoe makers " in the search box . There were 89 , 30 results ! Maybe shoe making and shoe repair are not as endangered as we thought . Still , they are not nearly as common as they used to be , and if the skill isn 't passed along , it could be lost in a generation . This is a nice video from the Victoria and Albert museum showing the making of a pair of shoes . Most of us do not buy our shoes from the shoe maker . We get them at Walmart , or Payless , or some similar store . When they wear out , we go buy a new pair . Most of our shoes are mass produced , and the manufacturers don 't intend for us to get them repaired when they wear out . They expect us to buy more . That 's not to say that you can 't find well made shoes that last ; you can , but you will have to pay more than many of us can reasonably afford . Every day shoes used to cost more , relative to the income of the time , and people wanted them to last as long as possible . That 's why most towns had shoe repair , or cobbler , shops . Shoe repair shops do still exist , but often , the cost of fixing a pair of shoes may be more than the shoes are worth . That doesn 't mean that we shouldn 't repair our shoes when we can , especially , if its a job we can do ourselves . So , no I have never repaired my own shoes , but I do wear them until there is nothing left . I 'm hard to fit , so when I find a pair that does , I want to keep it as long as possible . One of the two pairs of combat boots I was issued when I entered basic training in 1981 . I was supposed to switch back and forth between the two pairs , but I didn 't . This pair used to be kept highly spit shined and on display . The other pair is long gone . I would still wear these , but my calves are too fat now ! No , those are not the original laces . When I was in the Army , back in the early 80 's , I bought a pair of cowboy boots at the Post Exchange . I paid fifty dollars for them . For me , at the time , that was a lot of money . I loved those boots , and I kept them for probably eight years . The only reason they lasted that long was because my dad fixed them every time I went to see him . Both boots were resoled and reheeled , and he even stitched the faux leather , in the back of the ankle , where it had worn through . I wore them all the time . They were like an old friend . I hated to give them up , but finally , there was nothing left to fix . There is probably a picture of them somewhere . If I find one , I 'll post it on our Facebook page . Another YouTube search , this time for " shoe repair " , brought 353 , 000 results . Many of those were made by professional cobblers , so I searched " DIY shoe repair " : 376 , 000 results . This was the first result . I have to admit , I like this guy ! Even if you don 't want to go through all that , take a look at the other tutorials available . The next time I have a pair of shoes that need mending , I 'm going to see what I can do . I 'll let you know how it turns out . In the meanwhile , you can always try making your own shoes . This was Ed 's first attempt at making moccasins for me a few years ago . Not bad for a first attempt , and I know he learned some things in the process . He really needs to get back into that . Oh , the beadwork was mine . I needed more practice too ! Some of my earliest memories are of sitting on the counter in the shoe shop . I was probably three or four years old . Dad would let me play with leather scraps . I remember turning the hand crank of the leather cutter and watching the split pieces of leather come out the other side . I remember shelves that held customers shoes . People came in all day long , dropping off or picking up shoes for my dad to fix . The equipment from Dad 's shop came from his father - in - law , my grandpa . When he was a young man , Grandpa had worked in his father 's shop just a few blocks from where Dad 's shop was located . The first time he saw my grandma , Grandpa was working in that shop , but that is a story for another time . My grandpa at his shoe shop . The calendar behind him says January 1956 . He would have been 35 years old . Notice the shoes on the shelves behind him . Today , as far as I can tell , shoe repair has nearly disappeared . That got me thinking about other lost , or endangered , skills and crafts . I even asked my friends on my personal Facebook page what they considered a lost art . Several of them said things , like " listening " , " using proper grammar " , and " common courtesy " which are definitely endangered , but not really within the scope of this blog . Over the next few weeks , We 're going to look into each of these endangered skills , and what caused them to no longer be necessary . Then we will look at what each entailed , and what , if anything , is being done to revive , or at least preserve them . We may even try some of them ourselves . Ok , probably not black smithing , but I do have an old blender I might try to fix . It was a quiet week on the homestead , except when we were putting the dogs back . It seems like we spent most of the week just doing that . Three times in one day nearly sent Ed and I both over the edge . However , we did agree that we could be thankful that the weather has stayed fairly warm , so we weren 't having to try and do all that with ice , snow , and frigid temperatures . On the other hand , if the ground had actually frozen this year , Libby wouldn 't be able to dig out ! In the afternoon sun , resting up for tonight 's digging ! Ed 's pallet plan seems to be working . We just need to be able to get our hands on enough pallets . To do the whole fence line , will probably need about 75 pallets . How many do we have now ? Nine . Yeah , it 's a work in progress , and basically damage control for now . We find where she 's digging and block the hole with a pallet . For two days in a row , we went out in the morning and the dogs were still in . These days , that is a major victory ! I had some concern that the chickens were taking lessons from the dogs , because Moony rooster has been leaving his pen three or four times a day . I think Hoppy rooster may be picking on him , and he just needs a break . When I mentioned moving him , Ed said something under his breath about putting a diaper on him and bringing him inside . Um … no . Not doing that . Katherine and I did notice that the hens seem to be a little protective of him though . It 's kind of cute . Oh , and they have started laying eggs again . Like I said , it was a quiet week , so I don 't have much to tell you . I need to start thinking about starting seeds for this spring 's garden , but I just haven 't been able to get much into it . To be honest , I 'm just tired . I 'm carrying too much weight and I 'm still having some problems with my foot from last summer 's surgery . I 've gone back to cutting sugar and other processed carbohydrates . I feel a lot better when I keep with a paleo type diet . The most exercise I 'm getting is up and down the basement stairs , and back and forth to the dog pen . I need to work on that too . This weekend , Katherine will start the dissecting part of biology . I 'll have to let you know how that goes . As I walked out the back door , I looked out across our front pasture . None of the pastures were mowed last fall , and they are overgrown . Something caught my attention , and I went back into the house for the camera . A plastic grocery bag , caught by the wind , was caught in a bare sapling . As Ed and Katherine turned to see what I was photographing , Ed laughed and said , " We surrender ! " . I had to admit , the bag did look like a white flag . Let me back up a minute . Night before last , late in the evening , we had a thunderstorm . Yes , that 's right . A thunderstorm in January , in northern Missouri . I didn 't see any lightning , but I did hear the thunder and the rain . It poured ! So , yesterday morning , everything was pretty soggy . On top of that , the weather must have remembered where it was , because it was windy and getting colder by the minute . As we made our way along 116 , Ed said that it looked like we might be going into some fog . We 've had a lot of fog lately , so I really didn 't think that much about it until a few miles later . The air became cloudier and I had a moment when my mind had to make a small shift and remind me that fog does not blow across the road … no , snow does that . The dogs met Ed as he got out of the car . Then Meeko decided he should come across the driver 's seat to say hello to me . While Kat and I carried in groceries and other things , Ed went to plug the hole . It didn 't take long . They have found a new place , but Ed will have to get more pallets before he can fix it permanently . Kat and I have slowly eased back into school after the holidays , and this last week , in Biology , we looked at fungi . We collected two different types from outside , as well as a mushroom from the fridge . She was able to get some spore samples and look at them under the microscope . Her overall takeaway is " Mushrooms are cool ! " Next week , we move on to sea life . We 'll be starting some dissection soon . I 'm not sure how well she will take to that . When we first started this blog , our thought was to chronicle our journey into homesteading while we deal with the challenges of getting older , as well as dealing with a teenager who has challenges of her own . The challenges seem to have taken over , and there hasn 't been much growth on the homestead . That includes keeping up the blog , and for that , we apologize . I 've been scooter and crutch free since the end of October , but I still have a lot of pain and stiffness . I don 't have much stamina and tire easily . The doctor said it could be six months total before I am completely healed , so we are looking at another six weeks or so . The Lord must really think I need to work on my patience ! Ed 's work schedule leaves him unavailable four days a week , with the other three days for trying to catch up . It 's not working out all that great , especially since he has to spend at least part of the time finding and fixing the new dog escape route . That deserves its own blog post , but let 's just say that Meeko meets us at the back door nearly every morning now . Libby has got out several times too , but she insists on digging her way out and Meeko just finds new places to go over . Apparently , he has forgotten that is how he dislocated his hip last winter . The garden was mostly a bust ; and what wasn 't , mostly rotted on the vine . We did collect a few tomatoes , and I did manage to make some bread and butter pickles from the over sized cucumbers . I found the recipe here ( You have to scroll down the page a little to get to the recipe ) . They were really good , and I am not a big fan of bread and butter pickles . The first week that I was able to get about without the crutches , I decided that Kat and I would harvest the sunflower seeds The same day Ed decided to start clearing the fence row between the yard and front pasture . We both worked about two hours and I pretty much wiped myself out . From Ed 's side of it , when he quit for the day , there was a spot where you could actually tell there is a pasture on the other side of the fence . The okra continued to grow into November . We had a super mild fall and only recently have had freezing temperatures . I decided to just let it dry on the vine in hopes of collecting seeds and using the dried pods for art projects … They are still out there . A few weeks ago , Ed , James , and Kat , built the new chicken coop . We officially have three roosters and two hens . The jury was out on Hoppy 's gender for quite a while , but his crowing made it official . Since we discovered that a single rooster 's amorous tendencies are more than one hen should handle , we decided to separate the girls from the boys , by building a split coop . The plan was to run fencing between the two sides , but the weather caught up with us . The first night the roosters all stayed in the same coop , Sunny attacked Moony and Hoppy . There was a LOT of blood . So now , Sunny stays in " time out " in the old coop , while everyone else seems to be getting along fine , at present , in the new one . Yes , we know we still have one rooster too many with the hens , and that really , there needs to be more hens for the one rooster . We 're working on that . The girls , particularly Scarlet , did start laying eggs this fall , but they have stopped now . We got a couple dozen fresh eggs anyway . So what else happened since July ? In August , James had a relapse of sorts and is back on probation . Bam Bam got married in September . I turned 53 in October and Ed turned 66 last week . James and I have both had to deal with some Bi Polar issues and we 've all dealt with a stomach bug that cost Ed a week 's work . That , of course , caused us some financial strain , but the Lord took care of us , just like He always does . On a positive note , school is going pretty well this year . We finished a study of ancient Greece and have moved on to Rome . In American History we are finishing up the " Gilded Age " ( 1877 - 1912ish ) and have formed strong opinions about Herman Melville 's writing . Have you ever actually read Moby Dick ? Now , only morbid curiosity makes us keep reading . Affiliate Disclaimer This post may contain affiliate links . If you purchase a product from an affiliate link , we may receive a commission . Our commission will not increase the cost to you . We will not endorse any product we have not used our selves and feel that our readers would benefit from it 's purchase . |
Yeah , I got cocky last night . I went to bed and fell asleep almost right away . I woke up around 11 : 30 to answer nature and thought , " Boy , I 'm getting some good sleep tonight ! This is going to be great ! " I went back to sleep , only to wake up again at 1 : 30 . I answered nature one more time , and went back to bed thinking , " Oh , I 'm sleeping so well . I 'm going to be so rested in the morning ! " You know what they say about pride going before a fall . That 's right , I didn 't fall asleep again . For the rest of the night . I tossed . I turned . I got hot . I got cold . I momentarily freaked out because I couldn 't remember if I 'd paid the house note for this month , so I had to get out of bed and check . The cat asked me what I was doing up in the middle of the night . I told her , " I had to check and make sure I 'd paid the house note , or I 'll never get back to sleep for worrying about it . " I went back to bed and tossed some more . Then turned some more . I threw the covers off . I pulled them back on . I rolled over , then I rolled over again . I remembered my friend posted on Facebook " Pooped today " . She meant she was really tired , but I totally read it another way . I started giggling . I giggled some more . I calmed down , only to think about her post again . I started giggling again . I giggled some more again . Finally , I stopped giggling . I rolled over . I turned . I tossed . . . on through the night , until the alarm went off at 3 : 30 . I considered calling in and staying in bed , but I was too close to another attendance bonus , so I dragged my weary body out of bed and went to work . Where I made a lot of people happy . " I 'm so happy to see you , " said the girl who was supposed to take my place when I thought I was going to be off today . " You have me smiling , " said my supervisor . * Sniff * It 's so nice to be appreciated . Made it through the work day , then came home to discover that the tree guy had cleaned up my yard , but hadn 't hauled off my concrete . " Huh , I guess he didn 't want it after all , " I thought . When he came by to get his check , he told me he 'd broke his Bobcat , so he 's down until Tuesday when his parts get in . I started to ask if he was going to come back and get that concrete , but didn 't want to be a nag , so I didn 't . After he left , I went to the store , and bought egg nog and peppermint mocha creamer . Since then , I 've just been waiting on bedtime , which I think is finally here . To echo what my friend said , " Pooped today . " Aaand now I 'm giggling again . . . . So , you know how I 'd taken vacation days for all the Fridays left in the year ? Here I was , looking forward to a long weekend off , since they 're giving us Saturday off , too . After work , I went up to get my paycheck , and the receptionist said , " I don 't have yours in here . They must have keyed it in late . " I thought , " That 's odd , since I put in those requests in January . I 'd better check . " When I got home , I checked my computer printout of my approved vacation days , and sure enough , tomorrow isn 't on it . I found my request forms from where I had put in for my days , and it wasn 't on those , either . The more I thought about it , the more I seem to remember telling myself that I wasn 't going to put in for the 30th , but I have no idea why . Whatever . I thought about calling in and staying home anyway , but I don 't want to lose my attendance bonus , so it looks like I 'm going to work tomorrow . When the trunk fell , hit hit the ground so hard it shook my house . That was a big tree , I 'm telling ya . After they left , I went out and looked at the stump . I put my hand on it , just so you could get a bit of perspective how big it is . I hated having to cut down that big old , beautiful tree , but you got to do what you got to do . I mentioned to the tree guy that I didn 't think it would have lasted through another rainy season , and he concurred . He said it could have fallen at any time . I feel much safer now that it is down . They are going to come back tomorrow and finish cleaning up the back yard , and haul the trunk off . He asked me if I wanted it for firewood , but I said I didn 't think I could handle something so big . They left me a good sized pile of firewood , though , even without the trunk . Looks like my next investment will be a chainsaw . The good news is , between this pile , and the wood left by the previous owner , I should have enough to last several years . More good news , I was standing there chatting with the tree guy , and he gestured towards the crumbled remnants of my patio and asked , " Do you have any use for your concrete ? " I said no , and he said he 'd load them up onto his trailer and haul them off for me . He didn 't say so , but from the glint in his eye , he wasn 't just going to dump them in a hole . I don 't care what he does with them , just so long as they are out of my yard . Next step , deciding if I want to replace my patio , and if so , with what ? I won 't likely get it done before spring , so I have plenty of time to think and plan . In the meantime , back to working on the bathroom and mantle . I woke up to this blessed relief from the heat this morning . I was really tempted to stay in my nice , warm bed , but I didn 't . There are still too many things I want to buy , so off to work I went . It looks like Fall might finally be here . It won 't last long , though . It 's supposed to be back up into the 90s by the middle of next week . I finally broke down and called the tree guy back . I 'd called him a couple of weeks ago , and he said he 'd come cut my tree down last week . He never showed . I called him when I got home this afternoon , and he was like , " Who are you again ? " . He has a real good reputation , but frankly , I 'm beginning to wonder how he got it . Anyway , he 's going to come tomorrow . I think maybe just to get me to quit nagging him , but hey , if that 's what it takes . In all my aggravation , I forgot to tell him to leave me the limbs for firewood . Posted by We have a finished object ! Yes , I finished the cowl I was working on . I had to leave off the top border , because I ran out of yarn . I was even sweating the bind off , thinking I might have to tink another round to end up with enough yarn to finish it , but I didn 't . I had 10 inches left when it was all said and done . Quite frankly , I wasn 't that thrilled with the yarn . I won 't buy it again , and am glad to have it out of my stash . I did like the pattern , though . So much so that I cast on another one . This yarn is Caron Simply Soft in Grey Heather . This is worsted weight , so it 's going to end up being a bit bigger , since the pattern calls for fingering . It might even be big enough to pull up and wear as a wimple . Back in our college days , my friends Jennifer and Patti were inseparable . From time to time , they let little ol ' me tag along with them . I was like the annoying little sister trying to follow the cool kids around . One of our favorite activities was playing miniature golf at this pink and green golf course . It was one of the really cool ones , with the windmills and castles and stuff . I loved that golf course . For some reason , we started calling ourselves by the names of professional golfers . Patti pretended to be Arnold Palmer . I pretended to be Jack Nicklaus . Jennifer pretended to be Lee Trevino ( I think , I don 't really remember . ) We called ourselves Arnie ( short for Arnold ) , Nick ( short for Nicklaus ) , and Lee ( short for um . . . Lee ) . I 'm not sure why . We were young and spontaneous and full of wonder and imagination . Time went by , we graduated , and went our separate ways . Jennifer got married and had a daughter . We eventually lost touch with each other , which I attributed to her trying to keep up with a husband and toddler . Patti and I stayed friends for a long time . We snail mailed . We e - mailed . We sent each other presents . She commented on my blog . In late 2012 , we had a bit of a disagreement over politics , and she severed all contact with me . I missed her . She was my friend . About a year ago , I got an e - mail from another college friend . He 'd gotten his copy of our alumni magazine . There in the Memorial section was my dear friend Patti 's name . She had passed away in 2013 , and I never knew . Soon after that , I got a Facebook friend request from Jennifer . She sent me a message reminding me who she was - - as if I could forget one of my best friends ! I 'm so happy to have her back in my life . Sunday , I received some sad news . I immediately messaged Jennifer to see if she had heard . The great golfer Arnold Palmer had passed away at the age of 87 . We reminisced a bit about our college days , and then Jennifer said , " I wonder if Patti will tell him about our golf . " I wonder , too , if our Arnie will tell Arnold about our golf . I kind of hope so . When my alarm went off this morning at 2 : 45 , I lay there for a moment , telling myself that I didn 't have to go to work today . I seriously thought about turning the alarm off and going back to sleep . Then I started thinking about all the things I want to buy , so I dragged my weary bones out of bed and went to work . By 8 : 00 AM , I was asking myself , " What was I thinking ? " But , my supervisor said , " I 'm glad you came in " , and my coworker said , " When I saw your car in the parking lot , I said , ' Thank you , Jesus ! ' " It 's nice to feel appreciated . After work , I was going to run by the store and get . . . something , I don 't remember what . . . but I didn 't . I was hot and tired and just wanted to come home . The day wasn 't a total waste , as I did get my pot of drywall mud out and neatened up that edge by my new bathroom door frame . Won 't be long now , and the door frame will be ready to paint . I think while I have the mud and ladder out , I 'll patch some of the holes in the ceiling and start getting it ready to paint . Once that 's done , I 'll just have to add crown moulding , and the bathroom will be finished , except for decorating and stuff . I found this recipe on Facebook this morning . If I ever get married again , it will be the main dish at my wedding feast . It will be served after the ceremony which will be conducted in the Black Speech Of Mordor , but before we release the kraken . Now , I just have to find me a feller . Posted by My friend and I had planned on getting up this morning and going to the Memphis Zoo . As often happens , those plans went the way of the dodo . She sent me a text last night saying that she had a personal issue come up that she really needed to take care of today , so she wouldn 't be able to come with me . Since she wasn 't going to get to go , and since it was still supposed to get up into the mid 90s , I decided not to go either . Instead , I worked on my mantle some more . I finally got brave and just pulled the whole thing off . I felt a few moments of what have I done panic , but took a few deep breaths and told myself , " Self , you can do this . " It was just held in place with a few nails . I 'm thinking I might run into town tomorrow after work and get some long screws to put it back up with . Before I do that , I need to run some drywall mud along that wall . Oh , guess what I found behind the bricks when I pulled the mantle off ? Go on , guess . Can 't ? I 'll tell you . Paneling . Seriously . They just stacked the bricks up in front of the wood paneling . Maybe one day , I 'll have the funds to pull it all down and get it done right , but for now , it 's just going to have to stay that way . Once I got the pieces off , I laid them down on the floor and was finally able to get that last bit of paint off the underside . That done , I got out my wood putty and patched the nail holes and a few gouges . Now , it 's ready to stain . Well , except for letting the putty dry 24 hours and sanding it smooth . Then it 'll be ready to stain . I might get to that Sunday afternoon . In the midst of all that , I finished running the caulk around my bathroom door . I just need to let it cure and sand it smooth , and it 'll be ready to paint . I 'm just chugging right along on this here house . Posted by So , there I was at work , just a working away , when a lady walked down the aisle . Now , that is not unusual . Lots of people walk down the aisles , but this lady had on a t - shirt that said something about flip flops on it . I don 't remember what ; it isn 't important . What is important is that it triggered a memory , and thus , you get today 's throwback Thursday post topic . Flip flops . I have never been able to wear flip flops . I can 't keep them on my feet . When I was 15ish , my family took our vacation on the beach . We rented a cabin on the Bolivar Peninsula , as was our custom . That year , my best friend Cathy Duhon went with us . One afternoon , my dad , Cathy , my siblings and I decided to walk down to the little store there and get some ice cream . Off we went , Cathy and I wearing our flip flops . I kept falling out of mine . Every few steps , I 'd walk out of them , so I 'd take them off and walk barefoot until the black topped road grew unbearably hot . South Texas in August . I 'll let you figure that one out . Then I 'd put the flip flops back on until I fell out of them again . Off they 'd come , until the black top grew unbearably hot . . . and so it went , all the way to that little store and back . I eventually gave up trying to wear them . Until Navy boot camp , that is . Running barefoot was not an option , not even in the shower . Want to know what we wore on our feet when taking a shower ? You guessed it , flip flops . We called them shower shoes , but they were flip flops . This is my friend Lucia . I called her Perm , because that was a shortened version of her last name . I met her in Electronics Technician " A " school , in Orlando , Florida . She was quite a character , and wore mismatched socks long before it became a thing . And apparently carried around cans of shaving cream , though I have no idea why . Perm loved wearing shower shoes . In fact , that 's all she wore when not in uniform . I can remember her going out on the weekends wearing a nice dress and shower shoes . The above picture was taken at Great Lakes Naval Training Center , in Great Lakes , Illinois , in winter . That 's the only reason she 's not wearing shower shoes . Because it was like , minus 900 degrees or something like that . But I 'm getting ahead of my story . Let 's go back to Florida . One Friday evening , a friend and I decided we 'd walk down to the mall that was a half mile or so outside the gate of that base there . When she found out we were going , Perm gave me some money and asked me to buy her some new shower shoes . I said I would , but by the time the other friend ( I don 't even remember who he was ) got to the mall , all the stores were closed . We ate at Ruby Tuesday and walked back to the base . The next morning , I had barracks duty . I went down to the room where we mustered - - that is where we met , for all you non Navy types - - to wait for my duty assignment for the day . Perm came in asked me what color shower shoes I 'd bought her . I told her we didn 't get to the mall in time and all the stores were closed , so I didn 't get her any . Now , let me explain for a moment . In that school , at Naval Training Center Orlando Florida , we lived in open bay barracks - - that 's one big room , for all you civilian types . The bay was partitioned off into sections , which we called quads , because each section housed four people . The quads had side walls , but the whole front was open . They weren 't very big , smaller than the average living room . Each quad had four racks ( beds ) , four lockers , and four secretaries . That 's a writing desk for all you non literary types . Hah , you thought I was going to say non - - Navy types , didn 't you ? Back to my story . Perm came into my quad and woke me up . She asked me if I 'd gotten her any shower shoes , and I told her I had . Then , get this , I started to get up and get them for her . She stopped me and said , " You don 't have to get them now . In the morning will be fine . " Now , remember , I hadn 't made it to the mall in time , so hadn 't gotten her any shower shoes . I said to her , " I wish you had let me get up . I want to see what I would have given you . " I think about Perm from time to time , and the Shower Shoe incident . Nearly 30 years later , I still wonder , what would I have given her ? It sure wouldn 't have been shower shoes . That 's all I know . I got to work bright and early this morning , and my coworker came running up to me and asked , " Who was the whiny obnoxious kid you wrote about ? " I told her , and she said , " I knew it ! I knew it was him ! " I walked on , after we had chatted a bit . I didn 't just walk off . That 'd be rude . A few minutes later , another coworker called me and said she 'd read yesterday 's post . She said , " I didn 't even have to ask to know who that was ! " She said she was going to send me a friend request . Seems I 'm getting quite popular . And now I 'm back to feeling pressured to be witty and clever . I hate to break it to you , but it ain 't happening tonight . I stayed up late , for me , at least , last night watching Michael Weatherly 's new show Bull . On the whole , I wasn 't really impressed with it , though it did have a nice twist at the end . I 'll give it a few more episodes , but I don 't know if I 'm going to stick with it . It 's going to be weird watching NCIS without Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo . On the other hand , I think I 'm going to like Nick Torres . He has that " kill me I dare you " attitude . I 'm not so sure about the other one , but we 'll see . Finally , thanks to all your input . I 've decided to go with the lighthouse comforter set . It was the one I was leaning towards anyway . Posted by The story is , I go in to work early in order to clean up and set up the front of my line for the day 's chaos . I have several specific things that I do , which I won 't go into here , since most of you don 't work there and it would all be Greek to you anyway . Last Wednesday , this kid - - and I use that term loosely because he 's the same age as my son - - walks in and plunks his skinny little butt down in my work area and starts doing my job without so much as a by your leave . I went and asked my group leader what he was doing . She said he was supposed to be helping on the line , and made him move . The next day , the same thing . He walked in at 5 : 00 AM , and started doing my job again . This time , I asked him who told him to come in and start doing my job . He said our supervisor did . I said , " No , I think he meant for you to be working on the line . " But the kid insisted that he was supposed to be doing my job , so I said , " Well , I 'll ask [ our supervisor ] when he gets here " and went on about my business . This kid runs crying - - literally crying - - to his mommy , who also works there about the mean old white lady who wouldn 't let him do whatever he wanted . She comes and gets in my face , telling me that if I had a problem with her son , I could take it up with [ our supervisor ] . I told her that 's exactly what I intended to do , and that 's exactly what I did do when he got there . The supervisor told me that the kid was supposed to be helping where he was needed , and I responded that I didn 't need him doing my job . I could handle it fine myself , thankyouverymuch . When the regular shift started , the kid went to line braze . Now , I know many of you don 't know what that is , but it isn 't necessary to the story to know the specifics . Just roll with it . The lines have two brazers each . Each of them brazes specific joints . Again , just roll with it . This kid was supposed to be brazing the header joints , while the other line brazer was brazing the florator joints . He decided he didn 't want to braze the header joints , so he started brazing the floOn to more pleasant news . When Cody took his bed to his new apartment , I gave him a set of sheets to take with him , as he only had one . I told him that he could have the matching comforter , too , because I 'd planned on getting a new one . After looking locally , and searching online , I 've narrowed it down to these two . Lighthouses and Sailboats One moment , I 'm leaning towards the first one , the next , I 'm leaning towards the second . The third moment , I 'm leaning towards getting both , and swapping them out periodically . In between putting up doors and stripping mantles , there has been knitting . And I started putting out my fall decorations . My garland is getting a bit bedraggled , but then , it is nearly 10 years old . I 'm trying to watch Michael Weatherly 's new show Bull , but so far , it 's not gripping me . I 'm thinking about turning it off and watching the rest of it tomorrow afternoon . After all , 3 : 30 still comes mighty early , series premiers or not . Posted by He did have a little oops where the frame didn 't quite line up right - - old house and all - - and it left a little gap . I got up yesterday morning and filled it in with caulk . And I caulked around the rest of the frame , until I ran out of caulk , that is . After my health screening for work this afternoon , I ran by the store and picked up another tube . I made sure it was paintable caulk . I figure once I get it even and smooth , I can paint it the same color as the door frame and no one will ever know . I 've also got to fix this . It isn 't an oops . It 's where the old frame covered up the drywall . It kind of tore a little when he pulled the old frame off . I 'll just trim that edge and run some joint compound around it . Once that dries , I can sand it smooth and touch up the paint . Except that I forgot to buy a utility knife , so that 'll have to wait until later in the week . Even though it still isn 't finished , it already looks so much better than what was there . All day yesterday , I kept going back to admire it , and run my hands along the smooth wood . I 'm going to paint the frame the darker blue accent color , but I 'm thinking about staining the door itself a medium oak to match my mirrored cabinet above my sink . And of course , I 'll be taking pictures the whole way and sharing this journey with you . While James was working on my door , I borrowed his pry bar and pulled the rest of that edging off of my mantle . And guess what . It looks like these walls were once pink . Go figure . Anyway , I have a little patching to do on the drywall behind the mantle , but that shouldn 't be too hard . The weird thing is , there is a huge gap between the mantle and the wall on one end . The other end is flush , and the board is the same width the whole length of it . The only thing I can figure is that when they mitered the corner , they didn 't get it exactly 45 degrees . Or else my walls aren 't square . With an old house like this , that is a possibility . I guess that 's why they put the trim on there . I still haven 't figured out how the mantle is attached , but it isn 't going anywhere . Hey ! I bought me a triangle thingy ! Hang on a minute . . . OK , so I ran in there and used my triangle thingy , and as best as I can tell , my miters are a bit off . Still , I 'm just going to leave it . Taking the whole thing down may just be a bit too big of a job for me . I 'll just replace the edge trim , and that 'll hide the gap . Oh , did you see my mini hacksaw ? Isn 't it cute ? Every year , my town holds the annual Downtown Jubilee on the square . I 've always enjoyed going , but this year , I was especially excited . They were going to open the History Museum for free during this year 's event . That 's something that combines three of my favorite things : history , museums , and free admission . I got there early and hung around the museum doors until the cops came and wanted to know what I was doing . I pointed to the sign and said , " History , dude ! " as if it should be self explanatory . " History , dude ! " OK , that last paragraph didn 't really happen , but I could easily imagine how it could - - me being a total history nerd , and all . Still , once it did open , I bull rushed past every body in line , knocking a few little old ladies to the ground in my eagerness to get inside . OK , that didn 't really happen either . . . What did happen was , I walked sedately inside and was instantly taken back in time . Even the building the museum is in is historical . It had that old architecture and the feel of a simpler time . The museum itself is a collection of antique things , old stories , and newspaper clippings from this area . I must say , I was a bit dismayed to find my childhood telephone in an antique phones case . ( Ours was the off white color , and hung on the wall , but it was still a rotary dial phone . This one looks just like the one my grandparents had . ) The pump organ made me think of my brother . He could play this , I thought . That lady in the far left of the picture wearing the red shirt ( you can barely see her ) found a picture of the old Monte Christo hotel . She got so excited to find it . " Now I can prove to my kids it really was here ! " she said , eagerly snapping a photo on her phone . They tore it down several years ago . It was once one of the finest hotels in Mississippi , but it had gotten so run down , and mostly housed prostitutes and drug users , although Denzel Washington filmed a movie there in the early 90s . The lady told her kids that , too , and they said , " You need to go on , Mama . " Well , now she has evidence . I was especially taken with this writing desk . I want one just like it . The entire upstairs was filled with Coca ~ Cola stuff . I 'm not particularly into Coke memorabilia myself , but it was pretty cool to see it all . I 'll just be quiet and let you look . As for the rest of the jubilee , it was nice as always . They had craft booths , food , music , rides for the kids . They also had a remembrance for the local police officer killed in the line of duty earlier this year . The Chamber of Commerce presented his widow with the Hometown Hero award , and the mayor presented her with the Key to the City . It was a real nice ceremony . The Jubilee continued , but I left as soon as that was done . James and Beverly are in town and they are coming over to put up my new bathroom door , and use my washer and dryer . Posted by |
It started out cold , but it turned into a great day , in the 60 's with the sun shining . This more like the winters that we are used to . Jay came up here , as the order for today was to make a new bigger table for my porch , and get the double - decker cat house out of there . We were making it into a night house for Orange Glow on Ray and Shay 's back porch / utility room . He will have to be locked up at night now . That is Blackie , the black cat 's , night porch , and she will slap the dickens out of him if he is loose in there . Several years ago , I had bought a wooden , Formica top table at a yard sale for a $ 1 . The top was butcher block Formica , which matched an RV we were working on , that needed a table , so we used the top for that . The legs and table base had been saved up over the storeroom . Jay and I got them down , and a piece of hishouse siding , and made it into a new table for potting plants on the porch . The old table was getting wonky and had slats on the top where dirt would fall through , so it was about time . While we were at it we vacuumed and mopped the floor with bleach water . We put a Plexiglas skylight in the top of the cat house , so that it wouldn 't feel so dark in there , and hinged the top , and put a clasp on it . We are looking for an RV oven shelf or similar to make a door . Ray can paint it tomorrowWhen I picked up Jay , I stopped atSam 's , and he was there . He had been taken to Houston yesterday , and didn 't think that Mikey would go out of the open gate ! ! He moved his SUV and closed the gate , so I took Mikey to him . A good working day . Posted by Yes , another night in the high 20 's , but the sun warmed it up to the 60 's eventually . When I went to pick up Jay there was frost on the roofs of the houses and cars . Jay needed to go into our town this morning , so we went to his bank and to Krogers . I picked up a few bargains there . His mother is home now , and not feeling at all well with the two holes in her back from where they did something to her lung , so we couldn 't be long . When I got home I waited to find out when to meet Kenya , my SPCA boss , for Snack 's vet appointment . This is a picture of Snack . We got that co - ordinated , and just as I was leaving Mikey , the white miniature poodle that belongs to Sam who had the stroke , was jumping up and down at my gate wanting to come in . I didn 't have time to take him back down to Sam 's as that would have made me late , so I put him in the big German Shepherd cage in the dog room . Jay wanted to go to Conroe with me to drop off Snack , and we got a quick couple of things done there . When I took Jay home , I stopped at Sam 's place , but there was no answer from knocking on the door . His SUV is parked in such a way that the gate wouldn 't close all the way , so that is how Mikey got out and came up here . I left a note on Sam 's door that I had Mikey . He can 't see very well , so I wrote it big with a black marker . If he can 't read it , Sam will take it to a neighbor . This is Mikey . Later , I met Kenya in my town to pick up Snack , and get the vet 's report . They think that Snack is starting that urinary tract thing that a lot of cat 's get from eating cheap grocery store corn meal food . That is 5 cats that I know of , that have come down with that , and they were all on that same brand of food most of their lives , until they got sick and the vet told them what caused it . I have to give Snack some pills and 1 / 4 teaspoon of pumpkin , yes canned pumpkin , and keep on trying to get food down her with the feeder syringe , until she will eat on her own . She is so sweet and doesn 't fight or complain about anything that is done to her . She never wasPosted by It started out at 27 deg . and only gained 30 deg . during the day , but the sun was out in the afternoon , so Bobcat could go out on the porch for a while . This warm , then cold , weather is enough to make you squirrelly . First thing , after giving Orange Glow his medicine , I spent some time on the phone , and online , tracking down a feeding syringe for Snack . The ones at Petco looked too small , but the vet had a larger one , so that was the first stop . Then Jay and I went to the church 's thrift shop , but nothing caught our eye . As we had to go near the Unique Thrift Shop , operated by the county for emergency programs , we went in there . I bought a nice long wooden storage thing to screw on the wall of the motor home , and a brand new funny looking kitchen pan . Round the corner to Target to see if they had any small cordless phones that aren 't complicated . Also looking for a tiny flat screen battery HD TV . Nothing there . I want to be prepared if we have any more power outages . After a stop at Petsmart to return some food that the cats didn 't like , and buy some more Royal Canin food for Bobcat , a quick stop at Krogers , and home . I had noticed that Bobcat 's fur and energy level was so much better when she was eating it , and she kept on asking me to buy Royal Canin again . I had bought her something different and she would pick at it . If I put food in her dish that she doesn 't want , she will sit there and look at it , and then me . Smart cat , she has her human trained . I washed the little hinged pan with handles on the bottom and lid , that I had bought today , beat an egg , seasoned it , and cooked it in the shallow bottom of the pan . Then I closed the flat lid , and warmed a whole wheat tortilla , with a slice of cheese on it , on the top of the lid . I moved the cheesy tortilla onto a plate temporarily while I turned the egg , and I warmed some thinly sliced 98 % fat free ham on the egg . Rolled it all up , and it was good for lunch . I can see lots of uses for that little pan , even though I don 't know what it was for originally . As the flatLakeConroePenny , TX It was chilly this morning , so I wrapped up , and put a little doggie sweater on MaeMae when I took her out for her " first call " . Bobcat reluctantly watched the world out of my bathroom window , instead of the porch . I gave Orange Glow his medicine at 6 . 30 am , so when Ray came over to tend to him at 8 . 15 , he had time to hold him for a while before Orange Glow could eat . He loves to be held and petted . He is such a loving , quiet , well mannered cat . He doesn 't mind being locked up at all , but as soon as he can , he will be loose in the dog room . He can 't right now , as he mustn 't jump up or down off anything . Ray then came to work . We were out there in coats , hats and gloves , but we checked the air in the truck tires , the water in the motor home batteries , and the water in the truck battery . It is a good thing we looked at the truck battery . Someone had messed with the tie down bracket , and tightened it down so tight that it made a depression in the battery . This had caused battery acid to splash out of the cell near the bracket , as the lid didn 't fit tight anymore , and it was covered in corrosion . We took the bracket off , scraped it , wire brushed it , re - painted it , then sprayed some battery terminal spray on it . That should hold it until I can get this new battery replaced . While we were doing all this , we had the burn pile going , as it had drizzled last night . The forecast was for 6 mph winds , which wasn 't right ! We had to watch it very closely , as it gusted a lot more than that , so we had to keep on wetting it down . I am still having trouble getting Snack to eat . The vet checked her and couldn 't find anything wrong with her . I got a big syringe , without a needle of course , and got a little pate type cat food down her , but it wasn 't really the right tool . The next time I did it with a turkey baster , but that wasn 't right either . Today , I also found out that before I got her , her " Dad " and " Mom " had split up and she was the Dad 's cat . He couldn 't take her with him , as he went to fight in the war . The Mom didn 't want her , Posted by It was so nice at 6 this morning that Bobcat could go on the porch before her breakfast . I had taken Orange Glow 's food away from him last night , as with the dog gone , it was an ideal three days to get the Strongid - T wormer down him three mornings in a row . It is so much easier if I can put an animal on the grooming table to do that . It doesn 't take a second , when you have them on a firm base at the right height . I knew he would be more relaxed without Debo in the big cage in there . But when I turned on the TV and raised the dog room blinds early this morning , I forgot to give him his medicine . It wasn 't until Shay came over at 8 . 00 to tend to him that I remembered . So he had to wait until 10 . 00 am to eat . Gee , I felt so bad about that , as he has a good appetite , but he didn 't complain . Ray came over at 9 . 15 and we got some work done . It was so nice to have the house windows and big workshop doors open and to be able to wear tank tops again . First we got all the stuffing that Debo had torn from his bed out of the big cage . I had been gathering what I could , as it came to the front of the cage , and I had already filled up four grocery sacks , but Ray got down in there , and we got the wooden bed out , got all the loose stuffing cleaned out and vacuumed up . I had a big garbage can and liner to put it all in , and there was a lot . I washed the sheepskin cover , and that 's all he gets to sleep on when he gets back . He won 't even get the wooden bed , as he has been chewing on it . So it is washed and put up . We put outlet covers on all the outlets in the workshop . We have to keep on catching up with the things the contractors didn 't do , all those years ago . Ray mounted a smoke alarm way up high in the workshop . It had been waiting for years to get installed . It was so old , that when I tested the battery , it was no longer good , but I had a new one , and it beeped it 's test call . Later in the day , my bedroom one started beeping a mating call . It needs a new battery , now . We cleaned off the top of the dryer and the draining board Posted by It was a much nicer day today , but my truck was acting up , so I couldn 't go anywhere until the afternoon . Jim , the mechanic had me take it down there so that he could check it out . I was supposed to pick up Jay and MaeMae , so Jim took me in his truck . Jim found out what was wrong , and I am back on the road again . Jim was told that it would be six months before he could use his new shoulder , but he was getting stir crazy , and has been doing everything to get it back in working condition . Good , I was ready to crank up the motor home to use for a daily driver ! Today , I was waiting to find out what time to meet my SPCA boss Kenya , to take Debo , the black dog , for him to go for his neutering tomorrow . We finally met at Petco in the next town , at 4 . 00PM and handed him over . She brought me some cat food that she feeds cats that don 't want to eat , too . Then a trip to WalMart and Petsmart to get some more things offthe list . Back here , Jay decided to walk home . He is like everyonearound here , the cold weather stops a lot of activities , and we don 't get the right amount of exercise . MaeMae stayed here . Snack licked a little bit of the food that Kenya gave me , so that is some progress . Now that Debo isn 't here for a few days , I think she will do better . I just cuddle her , comfort her , and give her Nutri - Cal , and she will come around . She just doesn 't like change . Orange Glow is still just lazing around in the lap of luxury , enjoying himself . A lovely , warmer day It is still chilly , and in the 40 's and 50 's . Not very conducive to getting much done outside . I picked up Jay as his mother , my friend , is still in the hospital . He went up on the roof over the guest house and store room , to re - attached some panels that had come loose . It looks like we might have to do some work to that area when the weather gets better . Jay 's mother should be home tomorrow , so as he was acting right , I let him take MaeMae home with him for the night . He commented how she always smells better when she is here . I showed him articles about how corn in their diet makes them smell more ' doggy ' . I wish they would feed her different food . They pay a lot for her food , thinking they are doing the right thing , but don 't look at the ingredients . Most of the time it is the advertising to promote the food that drives up the price , just like a lot of things . Snack still isn 't eating right , so I crawled under my bed to get her and put her back in the middle room . I have tried to tempt her with so many foods , but she just won 't touch them . When Debo leaves here tomorrow for his check - up and surgery , she will eat better . She just doesn 't like him around , and even though Pepper aggravated her , I think she misses him . In the mean time I am going to get some Nutri - Cal down her . Just a quiet Sunday . Darn it ! It turned cold again , overcast , and in the 50 's today . As Jay 's mother is still in the hospital , Mae Mae is still here . Jay and I went down to lake with left - overs to feed the fish and ducks , but the seagulls came and got most of it , as usual . MaeMae and Debo enjoyed running around down there . Today we went into the next town . I had a list , but we didn 't even get to WalMart . We browsed some thrift ships , bought a few things , then we went to Petco as I wanted to find some good canned food that Snack would eat . I was trying to find some that didn 't have ' by - products ' in it , as I know what they are are ! I have done my homework on pet diets . Jay looks at the fish while I am in the cat dept . We both have had aquariums . I don 't have to worry about what to feed Debo , the dog . He eats what my SPCA boss brought him : Nutro Choice Dry Food , and Nutro Choice canned food , no ' by - products ' in those . He is alert , intelligent , lively , outgoing and his coat is shiny black . Very different from the bedraggled , morose , skinny , scared , little doggie that was left tied to a tree in the rain and cold . Kenya had brought some Nutro Choice cat food in pouches , but Snack doesn 't seem to like any ' wet ' food . In fact she doesn 't like to eat as long as the dog is here , so I have let her come in the house with Bobcat and me . Snack , MaeMae and Bobcat all ignore each other . It was a little windy , there is a jacket in the truck , but I was glad I had worn the button down cardigan made out of a sweat shirt . They seen to stop the wind . In fact I bought another one at a thrift shop today . Please don 't forget to click , everyday , to help breast cancer and the other organizations that interest you , at the top left of this page . If you wish , they will send you an email every day to remind you . Either Ray or Shay have been coming over twice a day to hold and pet Orange Glow . He loves their attention , but then gets back into his cage , lays on his pillow , watches Animal Planet , and enjoys being an inside cat . I don 't think he wants to go home and be an LakeConroePenny , TX Another lovely , warm , tank - top day . I took this picture of Orange Glow watching the TV last night . He is really enjoying being inside , and sometimes just lolls with his feet in the air , wanting his tummy rubbed . Shay comes over twice a day to let him loose in the middle room , and he just sits on her knee just lovin ' on her . As he doesn 't have a scratching post to get the ends off his nails , I clipped them tonight . That is why cats scratch on furniture when their nails get too long . Keep them trimmed , and they won 't do it . When Bobcat scratches on her sisal post , I know it is time to clip off the ends of her nails . If I don 't do it , she doesn 't walk as well , and there will be the little ends of her nails on the carpet at the bottom of her scratching post . I groomed my worst little terror today , Muffie . She is so good about most of her clipping , but will bite when I get to her feet and back legs . I have her Dad 's permission to muzzle her , but I found out that talking to her gently helps . Some groomer must have really terrified her . I had Debo , the dog , out in the back yard while I was grooming her , as I didn 't need her to have any distractions that would make her wiggle even more . He was so quiet most of the time that I had to call him a couple of times through the open window so that I would know he was still there . Most of the time I could see him enjoying being outside and laying in the sun . Ray got some more of the pine needles raked up , and we are waiting for a no breeze day to get rid of the burn pile . Apart from looking up things like Cat Scratch Fever and cat diets , that was my day . Today it is a beautiful day in the mid 70 's . A tank - top day . The sun is shining and a great day to be working outside . Bobcat is basking in the sun on the porch . Ray came over so we carried the big carrier and big cage to a table outside the work shop , and bleached and hosed them down . I washed all the bedding and dishes , put all new beds and covers in each cage , so everything is as clean as new pin for Orange Glow , and Snack . Snack is coming back here today , as the guy who is getting Missy wants to get used to her first , and then will consider Snack . The ' twofer ' deal is good for a month . Missy and Snack were already spayed when I got them , so they didn 't have surgery . Just rabies shots , checked for Feline Leukemia , as all the SPCA cats are , and check - ups . We also had to measure , saw and screw another piece of lattice up in a place that Debo found he could jump over , in the front . I had him locked up in the back yard while we were working . As long as he can hear our voices he is quiet . While I was waiting for Kenya to bring the cats , I cleaned a few glass doors . People who live in glass houses , have to clean windows ! I can 't do too many at a time as I have a bad right wrist . That is a bear of a job with as much glass as there is here ! When she arrived we got Orange Glow and Snack in their houses , then Kenya brought Missy and Pepper in their crates , into the grooming room , for me to help her give them their shots . They go to their new ' forever ' homes tonight . Then Ray got Blackie , and Kenya helped me give her a Feline Leukemia shot . I kept her crated in the grooming room for a while as they can , though rarely , have a reaction to that shot . If her breathing got difficult , I would have to rush her to the vet , as Ray had to leave . A busy , warm , ' windows open ' day . It is a sunny , but cool day in the low 60 's . As soon the sun came round to the porch , Bobcat was out there . Tomorrow is supposed to be in the mid 70 's , that will be nice . I spent a while cleaning the cat cages in the middle room , and getting ready for Orange Glow to come home . Missy and Pepper won 't be coming back here , as Missy is now adopted too , by the guy that put in an application last Saturday . He had orginally said he wanted two cats , so we are waiting for him to meet Snack , and see if he wants her too . I hope so . They have a special rate for folks who want two . Missy is an outgoing cat and wants attention , but not overly so , while Snack is really laid back , so they wouldn 't be competing for his attention . We think that it would be an ideal match . I finally had a moment to hook up my old Sony computer so that I could attach an external hard drive to it , and suck the info out to put in the Dell . Just as soon as I got it all hooked up , the cable goes out , of course . We had taken the " telephone hole " out of the Sony to put in the Dell , so I couldn 't even get it going on dial - up . I just busied myself cleaning the bathroom , and doing laundry until the cable came back on . The external drive just sits there with its red light on , and the instructions don 't tell me what to do , so that is as far as I have got . It is supposed to have a blue light that goes around and around when it is gathering information , but I don 't know how to make it do that . I even looked up all sorts of places , and they don 't tell me anything either . I guess the young folks have that knowledge programmed in them when they are born , so the sites don 't give you any more instructions other than how to plug it in . StarWars was on when I was younger , but they didn 't have external hard drives then ! Orange Glow will probably have to come back here , as he has to be caged for another week to ten days to let him heal from his surgery . He is supposed to be kept warm , and Shay 's utility room is not heated . He must not jump up or down on anything . Also , as Posted by It was a sunny , but chilly day . It wasn 't until the sun came round to the front that Bobcat could go out on her porch . Ray came over and put another coat of paint on the outside table , and raked up some of the mess the pine trees had made during all this windy weather . I hadn 't been expecting him , as his back was so bad , so I was busy grooming MaeMae . So we couldn 't do any of the other jobs . Jay wanted me to pick him up , as he doesn 't like being by himself while his mother is in the hospital . Fortunately she is doing well from her lung surgery and will be home in a few days . He picked up the piles of pine needles and took them to the burn pile , as Ray couldn 't bend down to do it . I had to keep Jay busy outside , as MaeMae is too difficult to groom when Jay is in the house . He brought some shrimp for me to cook for him tonight , which I am marinading in butter , sesame oil , garlic , pesto seasoning , and then I will broil them . Then I took Jay home . Today is the day I decided to give Debo the medicine where he couldn 't jump around , and needed to be kept quiet for 24 hours . Fat chance of that ! I am trying to keep him as quiet as I can . I got MaeMae groomed , and then we waited to hear how the cats were after their surgery . Kenya called and said that Orange Glow tested positive for Feline Leukemia . It is a shame that his previous folks never got him vaccinated , and then chose to keep him as an outside cat . Cats fight , and that is one way they get it , from the saliva of infected cats . Ray and Shay had already said that if he had it , they would still want him fixed , and let him live out his numbered days here . So the vet neutered him , and gave him a rabies shot . I picked up Jay for dinner , but he had got into something , and was really aggravating to be around . I had broiled the shrimp , made salad , and wheat angel hair , but he didn 't eat much , and nor could I , he upset me so much . I took him back home , but kept MaeMae here as she was scared of him . So another sad day . It is a lovely , sunny , warm , day , though windy . Orange Glow thinks he is in cat - hawg heaven , being inside . He is thoroughly enjoying this , and hasn 't given one moment of trouble about being locked up . Shay had been coming to talk to him , and he is eating well . Debo , on the other hand , doesn 't like being locked up , he wants to be loose in the dog room and play with Pepper the energetic little black cat . But he is at the teenager stage and he tears stuff up . I would be worried he would unintentionally hurt Pepper . When he was outside with little old poodle MaeMae , he wanted to play with her , so I keep them separate now . He really needs a playmate when he gets a ' forever ' home . He doesn 't go to the vet until next week . Today , Pepper , Snack , Missy and Orange Glow go to my SPCA boss ' place , ready to go to the vet tomorrow . Pepper , and possibly Missy and Snack , won 't come back here . The man who put in an application for Missy , really wanted two cats , so we are going to see if he will take Snack , too , if he is approved . Snack and Missy have never met , but have been in the same room together , one loose at a time . So we won 't know how they get along until they have both been checked out by the vet tomorrow and can ' meet ' . I was dreading having to load up four cats in four carriers in my 2 - door truck , so when Kenya called to say that she was now able to come up here to pick them up , I was very relieved . It would be less stress for the cats , too . We got them all situated in her van , in carriers and cages without a hitch . I was surprised that Orange Glow didn 't fuss about being put in a carrier . Now I just have Debo the rambunctious dog , MaeMae the older sedate dog , and Bobcat for dinner . A glad , and sad day . It is a lovely sunny day today , in the high 70 's . Windows open , fresh air coming in . Too nice to be inside , but there were things to do to get ready to house Orange Glow for a day and a half . As I am letting Missy stay in the house with Bobcat , that freed up the big cage for Snack . So I had to get that ready for her . She didn 't like being moved from her big dog carrier , her sanctuary , at all . I covered the cage with some fabric , and that made her feel better . She is loose often in the dog room , but she has another dark place she likes to hide . The couple of times I had her in the house , all she would do is hide under my bed . She is a very ' private ' cat . Orange Glow fancies himself a great stud , so we had to get him contained so he couldn 't go carousing , and be missing right when he needed to go to the vet to be neutered . His ' copy - cat ' machine had to be disabled ! Our main concern was that Orange Glow sprays , and so we were going to have to put him in the carrier , as that has solid sides except for the few air slots on the sides . If we had put him in the big open cage he could have ruined my walls , if he clawed the covers off . Ray and I had turned the carrier upside down , for Snack , so that the air slots were at the bottom so she could watch the TV and the window , so now it had to be reversed . Shay came over and we had to dismantle the carrier again , so that that the slots would be at the top , and the door opened the right way . I had to lock Pepper up , as he was getting into everything , and put the dog out in the back yard . As long as he could hear our voices through the open window , he was quiet , Debo gets very upset if I don 't go out with him . When Ray and I had messed with the carrier last time , I was out of the good anti - seize bolt lubricant , and we had used a generic . I had made sure I had the real thing on hand this time . It would be a lot easier if this carrier had screwdriver slots , or hex heads on the bolts , but it doesn 't . Shay and I finally got it apart with vise - grips and pliers , disinfected it and got it LakeConroePenny , TX It was a nice day today , not cold to use the heater , nor hot to use the AC . My mission for today is to take Pepper the black kitten , Missy the tortoiseshell longhair cat , and Debo the black Belgian Sheepdog to Adoption Day . Snack and Bobcat would be the only ones left here . My SPCA boss wants to get Snack checked out by the vet before she is offered for adoption . Jay wanted to go with me , as he had some errands to run . I took Debo with me to pick up Jay , so that he could run around down there . Their neighbor let Debo into his fenced yard so that he could run around , off leash , with his little dog , Muffie . They played so nicely , Debo will make a lovely pet for some lucky family . Back here , Jay went up to my attic and got carriers down for the cats . Debo would have to ride in the front seat in the truck , as there wouldn 't be room for a carrier for him , and Jay , so Debo was in a seat belt harness , and just loved the ride . He sat straight up looking at everything . The cats were in their carriers , seat - belted in the back seat . We had to leave home early as one of Jay 's errands was to be at the Post Office before it closed at noon . The cages at Petco for Adoption Day had been set up the night before , so we got my three animals situated quickly . Debo was quite content being on display , and loved all the attention he got from passers by in Petco . We had to wait for another foster mom to arrive , as we couldn 't leave the animals there unattended . Missy and Bobcat this morning , each side of a radiator . While we were waiting , a guy absolutely fell in love with Missy , and filled out an application for her . He held her , and she snuggled up to him . He liked her because she is quiet and loving . His application will be reviewed and checked out early next week . She is due to go to the vet on Tuesday for her check - up , so she should have a new home by the end of the week . She is the one that I will miss the most , out of this batch of animals . As soon as there were a couple of SPCA volunteers there , Jay and I could leave , and do some morePosted by It stayed too cold for Bobcat to go on the porch today . It didn 't hardy warm up , and was overcast all day . Today , Jay 's mother had to go to the Medical Center for some more tests before her surgery on Monday . No , not the liver transplant yet , this will be on her lung with the spot . As Jay also had a doctor 's appointment today in Conroe , she asked me to take him . I had a list of things to get there , so I didn 't mind . I took Debo down there when I picked up Jay , and let him run around on the leash for a while . It is good for him to go to different places . I had to stop back here on the way out , as I had to feed the cats that had been de - wormed two hours before , and to put the dog up . After I dropped off Jay at the doctors , I went to the only feed store , in this area , that carries Feline Leukemia vaccines , not just the regular shots , as we knew that the two outside cats should have them . I had my insulated bag with dry ice pack with me . I also knew that this particular feed store carried the " Taste Of The Wild " cat food that I had heard about . I looked at the ingredients of it , and another one , but chose the another one , " Exclusive " , Made with Real Chicken , as it is " pH Balanced and Magnesium Controlled " and has Omega 3 and 6 in it . I found out years ago , and have the vet bills to prove it , that the proper pH in cat food is very important , or they can get urinary tract troubles , which is very common in cats , and caused by their diet . I wouldn 't be looking at dry cat food after all this talk about it being bad for them , but Snack just will not eat canned or pouch cat food . When Jay finally came out of the doctors , as we were near three thrift shops , we looked in them . I bought a like new Farberware toaster oven . Yes , another one . We went further south to eat at Taco Cabana , and to visit the Goodwill Store down there . I had been looking for one of those automatic deodorizer dispensers for the dog room , but I found a like new air cleaner there . They also had a shedder , which I have been needing since mine quit . I have had toPosted by This morning it was chilly again . I will be glad when the weather stabilizes to warm , so we can start work on the vintage motor home . I bundled up to take Debo out . The sun warmed everything up to the 60 's in the afternoon so Bobcat could go on her porch . It seemed a good day to start Snack and Missy on their 3 - day de - worming . I don 't have trouble getting the yellow creamy stuff down them , not like the picture ! I just put my hand over their head , get my finger and thumb each side of their mouth , and press their teeth open , and plop it way down their throat with a syringe with no needle . Quickly close their mouth so they can 't spit it out , and stroke their throats until they swallow . Just like a dog , except a dog will lick it 's lips after it has swallowed medicine . Ray arrived to work for a while . He has an Upright Hoover Carpet Cleaner just like the used one I just bought , and so he checked it out for me . It didn 't leak , and the suction was good as an upright , and with the little tool , so I don 't have to take it back . He cleaned it up , and took it upstairs to store in my attic . While we had Pepper locked up , we took a bunch of other stuff up there that I have been wanting out of my way for a while . We cleaned and re - stuffed the air cleaners . He glued a little piece back on my tiny food processor , we will see if it will hold . We Lysol - ed an arch baby toy thing that I got the other day , as it is going to a baby down the street . There are so many little jobs stacked up on the workshop table that it is great to get a few of them done . I let Missy stay in the house with Bobcat and me last night , and she settled down at the foot of my bed . But I did lock her back up after the de - worming this morning , as she can 't have food for 2 hours . Also as we are working , running in and out to the workshop , I didn 't want her to get out . Just an odd job day . It was in the mid 20 's when I got up this morning , so I turned on the halogen light on the porch , just to give the plants a little heat . It wasn 't freezing in there , I just wanted to give them a little warmth . I dressed in several layers of clothes and took Debo out . He is getting the message that he better " go " , right away , to get petting and praise . Our breath was visible in the cold . Once he has attended to business , I have taught him to " run " on command , and he chases backwards and forwards in the back yard with me egging him on . He still has to be locked up in the German Shepherd cage when he is in the dog room , as I never know what he is going to get ahold of , and tear up . So I want him to exercise when he is outside . Today was the last day of his de - worming , so he still had to wait 2 hours to eat . He loves Pepper , the little black kitten , and when I am in there tending the cat 's cages , Pepper and Debo are loose , playing and rolling around together . They are so cute , and even though Debo is 5 times the size of the kitten , he is so gentle with him . Ray arrived to work for a short while . His bad back had really been bothering him , and he has been creeping around all stove up . We cleaned some valances with my little Shark vacuum , then hung the new mini - blinds , and repaired a window shade . I have to have a little cord pulls on the shades , or I can 't reach them , and one was broken . I pull them down over the mini - blinds in the dog room to keep the cold out on the winter nights . Even though I have double paned windows , it helps here up on this hill . Once Ray was gone , I did some laundry and putzed around doing odd jobs . It took a while to order some dust - cups for the Shark . I had to call 2 800 # 's , kept on hold for ages , then got someone with such a thick accent that I could hardly understand them . Another job was to try to help a couple of Jay 's mother 's airplane plants , ( Chlorophytum comosum sp ) that Jay had left out in the cold a couple of weeks ago . We had brought them up here to put in my ' greenhouse ' porch . It toPosted by I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you . It was sent to me and it 's very well written and I hope that you enjoy it too . ' WINTER ' by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre " " Sh . . It 's Cold " " Now isn 't that well written ? It was 27 deg . this morning when I got up , so I waited a while to take the dog out , but we ventured out about 6 . 40AM . Today is his second day of de - worming , and as he can 't eat for two hours afterwards , I wanted to get him out , back in , and medicated as early as possible . I wish he would hurry up and do what he has to do when he is outside . I don 't pet him until he has , as I want him to attend to business first . This is part of his training . As soon as he ' goes ' , then he gets lots of petting and attention . The spoonful of green beans mixed in his food have stopped him from eating grass . This is Blackie - Marie , Shay 's cat , who is outside during the day , and in their utility room at night , as Ray 's cat , Zeeda , won 't let another animal in my guest house , next door , that they rent from me . The other one is Orange Glow , who has been living here for a while , and considers this his home . He is Shay 's favorite . He was so skittish and afraid , when he first came here , but now he is a gentle loving cat . Unfortunately , he doesn 't get neutered until the end of the month , so he still spends a couple of days away from home , and worries us all to bits , until his return . Other than taking care of the critters , grocery shopping , and cleaning house , nothing of import went on today . I hadn 't felt well yesterday afternoon , and went to bed early , but I feel better today . A sunny , but chilly day . When I looked on the porch this morning at around 6 . 00AM , the thermometer said just below 40 deg . It hasn 't read that low for a while . Then I looked and it was 27 deg . outside . I am so glad I wrapped the whole porch in vinyl for the plants . I don 't remember us having this many freezing nights before , and it would only take one night of forgetting to cover them all . But when the sun came up it warmed everything up into the 50 's . Later , it was 60 on the porch so Bobcat was out there for a couple of hours . I tended to the cats as soon as I had been out with Debo the dog . As he hadn 't had his breakfast yet , it seemed the best day to start him on his first day of Strongid - T Wormer . I knew he would not understand why he couldn 't get fed for two more hours , so I kept him busy by bathing him . At first he fought a little , but then relaxed and enjoyed it . When I did take him out again , there was sunshine in the backyard , so it didn 't feel that cold . Of course he had to roll in the dirt to get the ' clean ' off ! Kenya told me about this new law that is taking effect next month . Anything to be sold , new or used , for children under 12 years , has to be tested for lead . This will put most sellers and resellers of kid 's clothes and toys out of business . http : / / www . cpsc . gov / cpscpub / prerel / prhtml09 / 09086 . html She knew that I had some kid 's clothes and a lot of stuffed toys in my Yard Sale Storage Dept . in the attic over the storeroom . So I have to sell them before 9th . February , or they go to a landfill , with everyone else 's . But what I can 't fathom is , if all these clothes and toys are going to be thrown in the dumps , what is to stop the landfills from being contaminated with lead ! ? I think the government has bitten off more than it can chew again . On a blog yesterday I saw where they had searched for " Taste Of The Wild " cat food for their katts . So I thought that I would look into it for mine . I did find out that it is made by the Diamond Pet Food Co . whose foods were in that recall , where a lot of pets died . One link lead to anothePosted by " Our perception of animals determines how we treat them , and whether they suffer under our dominion or not . Behind our perception and treatment of animals lie our needs , wants , values , and cultural and religious traditions . Until these are addressed and our perception changed so there is empathy , respect , and communication , the holocaust of the animal kingdom will continue . And those qualities or virtues that make us human - humility , compassion , and selfless benevolence - will continue to be crushed by arrogance , ignorance , and the selfishness of our species . " " What is man without the beasts ? If all the beasts were gone , man would die from a great loneliness of spirit . For whatever befalls the earth , befalls the sons of the earth . Man did not weave the web of life ; he is merely a strand in it . Whatever he does to the web , he does to himself . " ( Chief Seattle , 1855 ) The basic issue is simple : " The question is not , can they reason ? Nor , can they talk ? But , can they suffer ? " ( Jeremy Bentham , philosopher and animal rights activist ; 1748 - 1832 . ) |
Our long weekend became even longer because of the snow . I got my wish I guess , even though we weren 't really snowed in . The roads were just too nasty for us to go anywhere . I kind of took a break from the internet while I was gone , and that was nice , although I felt like I was forgetting something and I wondered how everyone 's Thanksgiving went . I 've been trying to get caught up this morning , but my house is also in dire need of help . Our landlady had the kitchen redone while we were away , so we had moved everything out of the kitchen and into any available space , then my children sprinkled toys and books on top of all that . They are somewhat motivated to help , since I informed them that Christmas decorations will not go up until the house is clean . I think my baking day will have to be postponed , although I have some recipes that I 'm very excited to try . Cookies may happen later today , but I 'm really planning on making up some " fat - burning " soup , as my mom calls it . After eating with total abandon this past week , I 'm feeling the need to do something that resembles healthy eating . Oh what feasts we had . There was the typical turkey , dressing , potatoes , stuffing , yams and a great big salad that I ate two helpings of simply because there were raspberries in there . Then leftovers for a few days , with those almonds that I have fallen in love with and some stuffed mushrooms to make things fun . Sunday , there was another gathering with family members that missed the Thanksgiving gathering and we ate an entire pan of brisket , more stuffed mushrooms , more potatoes and gravy , and then we finished off the remnants of the pies . As if that wasn 't enough , I made a pan of brownies to snack on while we played games , and that also disappeared . I now have a miss piggy nose , I think . I took more pictures , trying to catch just how red the willows turn during winter . This is how much snow was on the swing when we left . And then the sun came out and I tried to catch how red the rose - hips look with the white snow and aspen trees behind . I need to learn how to take better pictures . I 'll just jot that one down for a new year 's resolution . I was hoping to get on the road before this big storm hit so I could enjoy being snowed in at the ranch . I love watching the snow fall , knowing that I have enough wood to keep me warm and enough food to keep me fed . I kind of like the feeling of nobody being able to get in and out . It kind of forces you to slow down and look around you , especially if the power goes out . Unfortunately , we will have to stay put in our basement until the storm passes , then we can go . Things seemed to be coming together to get us out of here , but then some work came up for my husband , and we were delayed in getting our car window fixed . - I didn 't tell you about that did I ? On Saturday , we were driving up a canyon when a crazy little hail storm hit , and hit hard . We thought the car in front of us was kicking up gravel at first , but it was little , jagged , dirty hail stones . I 've never seen it like that . I thought the windshield was going to come in on us , they were coming so fast and hard . Instead , the back driver side window shattered . And then the storm was gone . Maybe 5 seconds was all . So , we 've been driving around with a duct tape window back there . Definitely makes me the cool mom in the kindergarten carpool . Anyway , looks like we 're stuck here for the night and most of tomorrow . I hope the power doesn 't go out . It 's dark enough in this basement , and I don 't know how the heat works exactly . Pretty sure it 's electric . I am going to miss just sitting and watching the snow fall . I love that . Here , I have to stand next to the wall and look up to see out . On to the baking ! Since I didn 't know exactly what our plans were , I didn 't do bread . We 're still working our way through the failure from last week . Instead , I 'm working on my part of Thanksgiving dinner . I offered to make rolls , even though I 've never had any turn out pretty , and pumpkin pie . My daughter was given a pumpkin that she fell in love with after Halloween , so rather than let it slump into a pile on her dresser , ( yes it was in her room ) I decided to try some pumpkin pie with it . I didn 't think she would notice since I moved it into the kitchen and she didn 't say anything , but as I was hacking it into quarters , she walked into the kitchen and screeched , " MY PUMPKIN ! " Oops . She 's a good sport about it and told me later that making a pie out of it was her plan all along . She has helped me with every part of the pies , and after I forced her to try some of the puree , she snuck a bunch of it and asked for more for dinner . It was good for a mystery pumpkin , my 9 month old thought so too . I wish I had saved a few seeds before roasting them . I used these directions from pickyourown . org . I had more puree than the recipe calls for , so I upped the other ingredients accordingly . Four cups of pumpkin yielded three small pies , and they were as full as they could be . The pies just came out of the oven , so I don 't know about taste yet , but they look good , not quite as orange as I 'm used to . I doubt my husband will try it , but maybe . . . if a certain four year old in a purple fairy dress and red apron asks him . . . we 'll see . She is so proud of her pumpkin . The rolls are not what I at first envisioned . There was a lady near my home that had an amazing roll recipe . She was famous for them and she would bring them to every church function , every funeral , special occasion , you name it . She would NOT share the recipe . I don 't know if she handed it down to any of her children . I hope so . Because of her , when I picture rolls , I picture hers . Mine never measure up , or even come close . I 'm always disappointed in my end product . They are perfectly edible , but they are just little chunks of bread , not the light , fluffy , buttery , who cares what else is in the pot - luck mounds of heaven that I want . So I didn 't try . I opted to try a recipe I found on allrecipes . com for butterhorn rolls . They already look funny , so that 's no big deal , and they are covered in butter , so they have to be good . How can I fail ? I tried to . I kept forgetting to spread the butter before cutting into pie shapes , and the butter should have been a bit more spreadable , but , I think they turned out pretty good . They surprised me by raising a lot in the oven , and then smooshing down after I got them out . Maybe should have baked a bit longer ? They are done and they are pretty good . So let 's hear it for a successful baking day ! I was wary of canned chicken for a long time . It just looks awful . Really awful . I didn 't see the value of taking something I was perfectly comfortable with - frozen chicken - and turning it into something so scary and unusable . Then , my freezer became full . And I found a great deal on chicken . A big box of chicken . So , my mother and I pulled out the pressure canners and went to work . When we were done , we had a bunch of nasty looking jars . Usually , a bunch of full jars is a source of joy for me , but not this time . I thought the money spent on that chicken was a waste . I could never bring myself to use it and my husband would not be able to swallow it . He 's a texture guy , you know . Then I tried thinking of recipes that could use the chicken , since I hate to waste so much food . I came up with chicken enchiladas . I figured the chicken is so covered up in there , it might just work . So , while my husband wasn 't watching , I opened a can and chopped up the chicken inside , which is very similar to tuna in feel and texture . I made the enchiladas and watched to see if he would spit it out on the first bite . He didn 't . He ate a few helpings and then complimented me on how good the enchiladas were that night . Hmmm . Not what I expected at all . I was amazed actually at how good they were too . So that gave me courage to try more recipes . Chicken chili is good , as well as a chicken tortilla soup that we like . I 'm going to try a chicken salad soon and see how that works out , but I don 't often make that , so we won 't have much to compare against . Really , anything that takes cooked , cut up chicken would probably work great with canned chicken . I never thought I would admit that I like canned chicken , and you certainly won 't see me eating it straight out of the jar . ( shudder ) But , I like that it is already cooked and ready to go , and I love that it isn 't taking up valuable freezer space . Those books that I 've been going on and on about . . . that I screwed up . . . they arrived today ! I ordered them late Monday night , technically , I think it was Tuesday and they are here today , Wednesday . Wow , and , the one doesn 't make sense , of course , because one of the pages is all out of order . But the one for my son turned out great . He loves seeing pictures of himself and his reading is taking off , so I can just see him loving it . Unfortunately , I have to wait a whole month to give it to him . I 'm so bad at waiting when I 'm excited about a gift . It 's a long day on horseback , over a hill , through sagebrush , down into a valley and then to the pasture near the corrals . For such a long day , the little kids have to stay at home , or be led by a grown up . But this year , two boys are finally big enough to make the ride on their own . The little cowboys helped gather the cattle and get them moving up the hill . Their job was to keep the cows moving on the back end , while they crossed through the long sagebrush flat . Keeping the cows moving takes a lot of trotting and bouncing around . Finally , they drove the cattle down into the valley , across a creek and into the pasture . Riding alone on the gather is hard work , but these little cowboys did it , and made everybody proud . They are the next generation of cowboys to work on the ranch . After several rather rough days , I 'm happy to say that today was a good day . And I think I know why . As I stood in the kitchen at 3 : 00 this morning , warming up a bottle , I had a thought . First thought was , " why is my baby awake right now ? " , but my other thought was much more profound . Because of a deadline , I was working on my projects like a mad woman . When I 'm so focused like that , I can 't focus on anything else . It does no good to have a plan , or lists , or anything else because I won 't look at it . The house was a mess , we didn 't have good filling dinners , we ate fast food a few times . . . my entire household organization went to pot . I became frazzled from the pressure of the deadline , but especially from the feelings of failing in everything else . As I stood here early this morning , I realized that my priorities had gotten all out of whack . I was allowing a project , which is important , and it will get done , take precedence over everything else . Have you ever seen the little object lesson where you try to fit rocks , sand and water into one jar ? The lesson being that if you put things in the jar in the right order , everything will fit , but if you start with the small things , it just won 't work . So , first things first . Feed my spirit , feed my marriage , feed my family ( physically and spiritually ) . I read a post today at Give a Girl a Fig about being spiritually thirsty , and I realized that I am too . First on my list . . . study scriptures and pray with more meaning . Feeding my marriage is second on the list . Someone gave me great advice before I married my husband . He said to make sure my relationship with my husband is a priority , right after my relationship with God . It is easy to allow children to take over everything and monopolize your energy and time , but if the marriage relationship is kept strong and sound , so much the better for those children . Third comes the children and house . I let it fall apart and the kids were crazy as a result . Which then made me more crazy , and the cycle continues . Then , comes the extras , the projects for Christmas , the activities , etc . And , as a side note , I did make the deadline for my book project ( the buy one get one free sale was ending that night ) BUT , as I was drifting off to sleep , I was brought straight out of bed by suddenly remembering that I had been messing with the page order and hadn 't fixed it before I submitted it ! Too late to cancel the order , too late for the sale . So much for that great idea , huh ? We 'll just add that to that " failure " list . I 'm okay about it though . I needed more time to work on it anyway and I should have been smart enough to just let it go , but I didn 't because that would have been too easy and I like to do things as difficult as possible . Or so it seems . I am excited about that book though . I 'll post more about that soon . Strange day . It seems the universe did not want me to bake much today . And what I did get baked totally flopped . I got a late start , even though I was up in good time , but I did remember to pull the yeast out of the fridge to warm up . Finally , around lunch time I got serious about making bread . While it was raising the first time , the dancing queen ( 4 year old daughter ) and I mixed up some pie dough . We did not bake pies today , but it is in the plan . Still gotta use up those apples . I had planned to make some cookies also , but that hasn 't happened yet . The bread . . . I don 't know what happened . It raised the first time and a little bit the second time . After waiting and waiting , I finally baked the poor pitiful things . I see a lot of french toast and bread crumbs in our future , as well as another bread baking day . Maybe tomorrow . Back to the pie dough . This is a great recipe that I got from my mom . She makes a huge batch and then freezes it in balls so that when the pie making bug bites , she 's already got dough made . Here 's the recipe : Add water all at once and mix lightly until the flour absorbs all the water . If dough is too sticky , sprinkle flour over the top . Divide dough into balls . Makes 10 single pie crusts or 5 double pie crusts . Freeze , or not . My mom has been known to bake five pies in a day , but I 'm aiming for just one . : ) It was a rough night last night , and I found myself making a mental list of all the ways I am a failure . Why does everything seem so crappy in the middle of the night ? So today , I 'm needing to make a list of positive things to look forward to . . . someday . Someday , my kids will be grown up , and I will be able to take a step without hearing the squeak , rattle or crunch of some toy . I teach three and four year old children at church , which means there 's not a lot of actual teaching going on . We talk about something and then do an activity or song or something so that one boy doesn 't feel the need to turn upside down in his chair and kick the girl next to him . Then we talk a bit more , and the cycle continues . ( including the upside down in the chair bit ) It 's interesting to say the least , and I can certainly say that kids say the darndest things . Anyway , today , I asked the kids what holiday was coming up this month . One girl yelled Christmas ! * sigh * Nobody else had an answer . So , we spent the time discussing Thanksgiving , what it means , who we are thankful to , and what we are thankful for . We covered the basics ; earth , water , sunshine , bodies . Hopefully that will get them started thinking about all the things to be grateful for . I have noticed on Facebook , lots of people posting a daily gratitude statement . I meant to do it too , but I just haven 't . I think it 's a great idea , even if it 's only a personal thing , maybe I should start writing thoughts on my calendar . I know thoughts have come to me . For example , I am so thankful that my husband found a small group of other students in his Calculus class that he can study and work on assignments with . Before that , I was studying with him , which meant that I wasn 't getting anything else done . I mean , high school calc was over 10 years ago . . . I don 't really remember it , and we were staying up ridiculously late at night after the kids were in bed , trying to get things done . I was starting to get worn down , as our baby would wake up not long after we went to bed . I could feel sickness creeping up on my tired body and I just couldn 't see how we were going to make it . And then , he found a group to study with . It has been such a blessing all around . I guess this is two thankful thoughts in one , because I am thankful for that group , but also that my prayer was answered . What are you thankful for today ? It 's been a busy day , but I wanted to share a little bit about what I 've been working on lately . I seem to have caught a writing bug . Not really writing , I guess , but putting together children 's books for my kids and some nephews and nieces . Here 's the last page of one of the books I 'm working on . When we moved here , I insisted that we not hook up the cable , or satellite or anything like it . My husband looked at me a little funny , but he agreed , besides , we would have to go through our landlord and it would up the rent . So we started our life here without the television . We do have movies , but I was a little worried how things would go , as I have been known to use the TV in the mornings to keep the kids busy while I get things done . I would love to say it 's been perfect , but I have missed the kids shows a bit . ( I am a closet backyardigans fan ) But really , it 's been tough filling that time for the kids without them being right under me . I am pondering on getting one of those digital receptors so we can get a few local channels . I kind of miss the news now and then , but really , with the internet , there 's not much I need from TV . I 'll tell you what I absolutely don 't miss though . The commercials ! It has been so nice to not constantly hear my kids telling me that they want or need the latest toy they just saw on TV . Nice to have them actually use their imaginations , instead of repeating what the commercial said . Marketing works . Last summer , my son told me I should get glad force flex garbage bags . Seriously ? A five year old cares about garbage bags ? I realized just how nice it has been to be commercial free yesterday , when one of our new movies had an advertisement for a toy before the movie started . My kids were suddenly unhappy without that toy . It 's all they ever wanted . How could they go on without it ? I thought I 'd post this recipe too . Around this time last year , I made bagels for the first time . I was very pregnant , and I was nesting in a big way , cleaning out the cupboards and baking any recipe I came across . My husband at this point was not surprised to come home to any baked good , or any mess on the kitchen floor . He 's a good sport about trying things too . To make bagels , you mix and proof dough , like any bread , but then you boil the bagels and then bake them . Those bagels on my first try looked doughy still . They were very white and un - cooked looking . Then I found another recipe that said to add 2 tsp baking soda to each cup of water in the boiling pot . I have heard of doing that to make pretzels , so I was worried to use that much . I didn 't want pretzels . I made a compromise and did 1 tsp for every cup of water . These ones look much better than my first try . Of course , they are wheat this time , so they look different anyway . Here 's the recipe : Mix up the dough . I start with the water , honey and yeast , then add flours and salt and any other ingredients you want . Shape into ten disks and then push thumbs into middle and make a hole . I don 't think I made mine quite big enough . I let them rest for 30 minutes , but you probably don 't need to wait that long . It was cold in my kitchen , so they didn 't rise much . Then , place into boiling water . One recipe says for 10 seconds , the other says 20 seconds per side . I went with the 20 on each side . Flip and remove with a slotted spoon . After you remove them , you can put a topping on them if you wish . Maybe next time I 'll do some sesame seeds . I put them onto corn meal to try to give them that store bought look , but it just turned into a mess of soggy corn meal . Next time I 'll just do parchment paper or a greased pan . Bake at 450 for 8 - 9 minutes . I 'm enjoying mine with nutella on top . Yum ! I did not get as crazy this week like I did last week . Thank goodness we don 't have another birthday for a while . As predicted , the cookie dough is gone and I have almost finished off the cookie crumbs . Because we were out of town for the weekend , we didn 't use as much bread as usual , so I still have quite a bit of that . We are still swamped by halloween candy and that sweet ice cream cake , so our need for sweets is taken care of . . . too much so , probably . So for today , I pulled out some recipes that I have been wanting to make , but I just haven 't had time : bagels and granola bars . I also want to make some pretzels , but I don 't have the salt that I want , so that will have to wait . . . until I make a run to the store . . . I do need socks . . . and parchment paper . . . For the granola bars , I puffed some wheat following these directions . I did it in two batches and I think I overdid the second batch . I wish I had timed the first batch , but three kids suddenly needed my attention , and I was scrambling for the lid to the pot because those little wheat berries spit the oil at you . So I don 't even have a guess at how long . Next time maybe . I love these granola bars . You can basically use whatever is handy . They certainly aren 't the healthiest thing to eat , but you can sneak as much healthy stuff into them as you like and the kids still love them . I like using flax seed because you don 't even realize you are eating the healthy stuff , and it otherwise tastes kind of yucky to me . But , I didn 't have any . Here 's how I made them : Mix sugar mixture into cereal mixture . Add chocolate chips if desired and press mixture into wax paper lined 9 x 13 pan . Press down on top to flatten . Cool in fridge . Cut into bars . . . . As I 'm sure you all know . We knew too , but we were still late for church , even with the extra hour to prepare . I really don 't like that they keep pushing the date back . We used to " fall back " at the beginning of October . Now it 's the beginning of November ! I wish they would just leave it one way or the other . We have been a bit slow getting all the clocks changed , which has caused some confusion . It 's hard to run a house when every room is running in a different time zone . I was so impressed yesterday with how early my husband got up and ready . He didn 't know he was so early though . He was about to walk out the door , when he looked at his phone . Oops , it 's not 8 : 30 , it 's 7 : 30 . Got to get the bedroom clock set right ! I love fall . I love the cool air , the smells , the colors , the quiet feeling . I love running through the leaves on the ground . I can 't help it . Even pushing the stroller , we have to frolic through the leaves on the sidewalk . . . and then take off my shoes to get all the pieces out . We went for a walk yesterday evening and we were pretty slow because I kept stopping to pick up pretty leaves . There have been some amazing colors this fall . Some trees have three or four different colors going on , although most leaves have already fallen . We decided to fly kites since there was a breeze blowing , but by the time we got home to get the kites , the wind was gone . We had a very pleasant evening . You could see the snow up on the mountains , and today , it 's here . It 's a cold , wet , snowy day today . I 'm so glad we got our walk in yesterday , and hopefully , we 'll get a few more in before winter really decides to stay . Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday . I 've kind of been bitter toward Christmas for a while because it seems to overshadow this wonderful day . The observance of Thanksgiving has become a day to eat until you are sick , watch football all day , and plan your Black Friday strategy . My husband asked me at some point in our marriage , why I like Thanksgiving so much . At first , I said it was the food , but as we got talking about it , I realized I don 't like turkey all that much , and soggy bread is something I just can 't eat , so stuffing is out . I do like mashed potatoes and gravy , but I can get that any Sunday . Pumpkin pie is great , but I like other pies too . So it 's not the food . . . I like college football , but I don 't need to watch it all day . It certainly isn 't that . Family has a lot to do with it , but even getting together with family , I feel that something is missing . Growing up , we had a long - standing tradition of going to my great - aunt 's house to eat a huge meal , most of it home grown by her , visit with lots of relatives , and then play and relax , and even watch some football . The smells of her house still come to mind when I think about it . My Aunt Allene is gone now , and we 've been kind of lost on Thanksgiving ever since . We can re - create the food , gather family , and watch football , but something has changed . I think it 's her . My great - aunt knew probably better than anyone what it meant to starve , to have nothing . She practically raised her children by herself . She dug post holes for a dime a piece to make money . Her garden wasn 't a hobby , it was survival . When she was able to put on a Thanksgiving feast , she was truly thankful just to be able to eat . Despite her hardships , she was the happiest person I knew . She really knew how to be thankful , and it could not be contained inside her . Her home was warm , not just from the cook oven . She made it that way . Ever since I came to that realization , I 've been trying to find ways to really observe Thanksgiving . It seems to me that Thanksgiving should be tied to Christmas , but not as a shopping holiday . Doesn 't it make sense to start the advent with overwhelming gratitude ? I know I am very thankful for the birth of the Savior . Can Thanksgiving be observed as a spiritual preparation for Christmas ? Last year , I attempted to read the old testament again . Not just the interesting parts , all of it . I still haven 't finished , but I did get something that I had never realized before . Thanksgiving is actually biblical . It started way before the pilgrims . In Exodus 23 we read about three feasts that the Israelites were to observe . Everyone knows about the Passover in the spring , but I had not heard about the other two : the feast of the harvest , when the first fruits were harvested in summer , and then the feast of ingathering , at the end of the season when everything was harvested and tallied . It hit me that even way back in the bible , people were inclined and even commanded to be thankful for the crops that the Lord had given them . So how do we show true gratitude today ? Are we content with what we have ? Is " thank you " a common phrase in our speaking ? I know I really want to teach my children to be grateful for everything in their lives , but I also need to teach myself . I get frustrated with my son because he is never satisfied . If you give him one candy , he wants three . Go to the zoo today and he wants to go tomorrow too . I am somewhat the same though , so I need to work on myself first . Here is what I plan to do this year and I hope to include my children as well . We are going to write down people that we are thankful for . Try to think of someone other than close friends or family . This year , I am very thankful for a few families in the neighborhood that have been so open and kind to us as we moved here . In past years , I have chosen people that taught my children at church , because that is a hard job sometimes . Once we have a list , we will think of a gift to give them , but this is not about buying things . It can be as simple as a verbal thank you , or a note . I like to give a homemade food item , or something that is useful . I think this year I will be making more of those cinnamon sugar almonds to give . In years past , I have given homemade jam with fresh bread . The point is not to be fancy or expensive , so that the " thank you " of the gift can shine through . I drove to my childhood home yesterday . My home is a constant in my life . It 's always there , mostly the same . Something I can always fall back to and count on . I love this time of year on the ranch . The air is so crisp and cool , but the sun is still warm . The leaves are mostly gone , and the grass is yellow . The willows along the ditches have dropped their leaves and the branches have turned bright red and orange . The animals have become fluffy looking with their winter coats growing in . The birds are gone and it 's so quiet , like nature is coasting along before dropping off to sleep . As I drove closer to home , I knew just what I would find when I got there . My dad would be off doing some job with cattle in preparation for winter . My mom would be at her desk , catching up on bills and letters . There would be a fire burning in the fireplace to " take the chill off the house " as she says , and there would be a pot of soup on the stove , ready for whenever dad finishes his project and comes in . The same ; comfortable , safe , welcoming , constant . Yesterday was my husband 's birthday . To celebrate , he went to school . That 's what poor student families do on birthdays . We did go out to dinner tonight and then we came home to sing to him and eat this . That is an ice cream cake . I did dump it out on a sheet to decorate it , but the sheet wouldn 't fit back into the freezer , so back into the cake pan it went . It is covered in caramel and chocolate sauce . I was going for a completely homemade cake , but I didn 't have enough home made ice cream left . Bake a cake , whatever flavor you want . I was going to buy a rainbow chip mix because he likes that , but he opted for a caramel theme , so I made chocolate . In the past , I have used two cake pans , one to bake the cake and one to form the ice cream , but I only have one this size . . . Smear the top of the cake with your favorite ice cream sauce . We 've done fudge before , oreo crumbs would be great in there too . For this cake I used the caramel that was left over from our apples and caramel night and chocolate sauce that was left in the fridge from when we made the homemade ice cream . Who knew that birthday cakes could use so many leftovers ? It 's hard to see in this picture , but I have covered the cake with caramel and then chocolate on top of that . Then fill it in with ice cream . I did a small layer of homemade vanilla ice cream , then more caramel and chocolate , and then another layer of ice cream from the store . You could get crazy with flavors of ice cream too , but with so much already going on with the cake , I stick with vanilla . At this point , I stick the pan into the freezer to harden up the ice cream again . After a while , take it back out and flip it upside down onto a sheet , or whatever you plan to serve the cake on . Make sure you have a spot for it in the freezer before you start so you don 't have to try to get it back into it 's cake pan like I did . At this point , the ice cream layers are on bottom and the cake is bottom up on top . Spread more ice cream on the whole thing , basically frosting it with more ice cream . Drizzle caramel and chocolate on top and stick in the freezer . At party time , take out of the freezer and enjoy ! This was way too sweet for me , but hubby and the kids liked it . This is a recipe that my mom received from a friend as a newlywed . It is a great " clean out the fridge " type of dish and it tastes great . I have memories of this casserole all through my life . It doesn 't look great , so I was always a bit reluctant to eat it , and then I would end up having seconds and thirds . It really is good . The recipe calls for instant potatoes , something we never have around . My mom fixed this to use up left over mashed potatoes and whatever vegetables were in the fridge . So , as I still had a rather large bowl of potatoes left from Sunday dinner , my instincts called for this casserole . I didn 't have green beans , but I needed to use up carrots . I think the key to this recipe is the tomato soup . We use homemade and it tastes wonderful in there , but my mom often would throw leftover spaghetti sauce , or any other tomato sauce in as well . Maybe . Tuesday might not work every week . It felt like I was baking almost every day , and there are other things I want to do with my afternoons , so I declared yesterday baking day for the week . Originally , I had planned to get started immediately in the morning , but my brain doesn 't kick in till about 10 , so I got a late start . My 4 year old helped , so that took a bit more time , but we made a lot ! We made bread dough and then made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies while the bread was rising . Then we punched down the dough and made these oat muffins - still using up apples - while the bread rose again . Then I remembered that hubby 's birthday is this week and I should have made a cake instead of cookies , so after the kids were in bed , I made a little chocolate cake . 1 bowl of cookie dough , because it makes me happy I wanted to share my cookie recipe , because I love these cookies so much , and with the oatmeal , I can pretend that they are healthy . I 've honestly been making this recipe since I was a little girl . I 'm not sure why they fell apart , maybe I didn 't let them sit on the pan long enough . They still taste good though . I used to be a " closet blogger " ! Not on purpose , it just happened that way . I started this blog just to get my thoughts down and maybe get some new ideas . I didn 't tell hubby I was doing it , didn 't seem important to . I didn 't tell him later because having someone that I know read my writing felt embarrassing . Never mind the fact that he already knows about everything I write about , and totally supports me in all my crazy projects . Then , I felt a little silly for not telling him , but it seemed strange to say , " I started a blog a few months ago . " Would he ask why didn 't I tell him sooner ? Would he be upset that I kept something from him ? I know , I 'm a dork , but I felt dumb telling him . I 'm happy to announce that I am no longer in the closet - so to speak . I told him all about it , and of course he said , " Okay . " And then , " That 's nothing to be embarrassed about . " And that 's my husband . He has learned to not be surprised at my silly little quirks , and my making simple things completely complicated . I love him . And now , ironically , I 'm so excited to have him read my blog and give me feedback , because I realize that his input and support makes me a better person all around . I know , I 'm a dork . Just be glad that you don 't have to live with me . Some scoff at the idea of storing large amounts of food , but really , having just a little extra is always a good idea . I remember once as a younger girl , we had a huge blizzard . The roads were closed for several days . The grocery stores were an amazing sight to me . Empty shelves everywhere . In just a few days , those well stocked shelves were completely empty . No milk , no bread . I remember it very vividly . Luckily , my mother has a basement full of food , so we weren 't too affected , aside from the convenience factor . But how many people weren 't so prepared ? I realize winter blizzards aren 't a concern for everyone , but there are plenty of other natural disasters to pick from . How can you know if you are really prepared ? Something kind of fun to do is to take the week - long challenge . To do it , you pretend that you cannot get to the grocery store , or that there is nothing there . Look in your pantry and feed your family from there for a week . No preparing before hand . Starting right now , could you do it ? Would it be absolutely miserable ? Posted by I 'm Teekaroo , and I am a dirt road dweller . I love gardening , although our harsh Wyoming climate makes it difficult . I also enjoy cooking and sewing and raising animals , although I am kept pretty busy with my little ones and the never - ending adventures of keeping an old house running . These days you will find me in my little house at the end of a dirt road or chasing pigs out of my yard . |
" Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for my unfulfilled dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , I have could have achieved my dream unless I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all that entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few , but looking back , although some relationships were passionate , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it , sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would play out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When I grew old , I spoke to the dead and they spoke to me . I heard them , clear as if they were standing in the room with me . They told me their stories , just as I tell mine to you . I answered them , and asked them questions . My neighbors could hear me chatting through the door and the walls , apparently to no one . They thought me odd but I was harmless , so they left me alone . They whispered that I 'd gone mad after my husband died , and my son a year later . Some said I talked to the dead in my imagination because I couldn 't stand to be alone . Others believed I imagined the dead to be alive because I was afraid to die . If the dead were alive , then I need not be afraid of death . Most assumed the dementia of old age had set in and I was just imagining things . I also spoke to the dead when I was young . But then life got busy and I no longer had the time for them . But the main reason was that the noise of the world , the noise of my own questions and worries inside my head , crowded out any other voices . I could no more hear them than I could perceive a hushed whisper across a noisy , bustling train station . I could not stop the noise , nor did I think to do so . Whatever was inside my head was me , and that took up all my mental energy and attention . But then , eventually , I found myself old and alone . I had lived long enough to be philosophical about life . I no longer worried or questioned . I simply accepted . And finally , once again , it was quiet enough to listen . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Or perhaps it was more like living in a Vaseline - covered jar . I could see what was immediately around me ; that which was inside the jar . I could feel my own feelings clearly enough , but could not see my effect on the lives or feelings of others . Beyond my immediate surroundings , the world was fuzzy . My future and the possibility of change were all out there , beyond my reach , and always out of focus . A few tried to lead me . Sometimes I would follow blindly for a while , clinging , but then the fear began to creep : What if they led me to a new , unfamiliar place and then abandoned me ? I wouldn 't understand the rules . How would I cope in this strange landscape ? I would be totally vulnerable . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I am making tea for him in my kitchen . I am standing at the little corner counter top next to the stove . I am facing the wall , pouring the just - boiled water into the tea pot . I see the striped place mat on the Formica . The counter is so small , the place mat almost covers it completely . I realize , " I really like this man … more than I have liked anyone before . " And in this instant , I am caught exactly and equally between two emotions : love and terror . Two trains of thought slap through my brain , like the ropes in Double Dutch : " This love can change my life " and " If it 's not real ; if he is just playing with me , I will not survive . The blow will kill me . " I was working as an exotic dancer . I was not a slut or a drug user or an alcoholic . It was simply the only work I could find that paid my bills . I knew I couldn 't do it forever , but I was still young enough not to have to think about that for the time being . I was just happy to have a steady , decent income ; happy not to be dependent on anyone . I 'd learned young that no one else can be counted on . The job paid more than working in a factory or as a cashier in some supermarket or greasy fast food joint . I wasn 't stupid but I had no education . I didn 't have a lot of options . But being seen , night after night , through the eyes of horny , lustful , lonely men - that slowly kills something inside a woman . It 's kind of strange . You might think that being in a position of sexual power ( the men were , after all , paying to be close to me while being forbidden to touch ) would make me feel , well , powerful . In control . It did not . It made me feel as if that was all I was worth . That my mind , my feelings , my soul , were of no consequence whatsoever . I was only my body . It made me feel hollow . It numbed me to my real self . Then , one day , he came in . He was with a bunch of guys ; friends from work , it turned out . ( One of them was getting married . ) He seemed uncomfortable , as if he were there reluctantly . He wasn 't drunk ; he nursed the same beer for an hour . He was pleasant looking . He had the kind of face that could make you relax just by looking at . He caught my eye and smiled , a bit sadly . His expression was completely lacking any lust . I felt his eyes on me all evening , and in the end , even though I didn 't do anything special for him , he gave me a very big tip just before he left . He looked me right in the eyes and said , without any sarcasm , " Spend it wisely . " After that , I thought about him a lot . He 'd really gotten under my skin . Even through the whiskey haze of that place , amid the flashing lights , over the hooting and jeering and drunken remarks of the patrons , beyond the half - naked women who were adept at teasing as much cash as possible out of the men , in this room ripe with the overpowering scent of sweat and pheromones , he looked at me and saw a whole person . It was a couple of weeks before he came back . This time , he was alone . He remained aloof . He did not look at or engage with the other girls . He nursed his one beer for a few hours , resisting all entreaties from the dancers and the bartender . He watched only me , but in the most respectful way . He never leered or stared , but his glance always returned to me , letting me know he was always at least peripherally aware of me . Once again , before he left , he handed me a large tip , and said , cryptically , " I don 't need any change , but I think you do . " And then he was gone . He returned a week or so later ( maybe it was longer - my memory for these things is not so good any more . ) It went that same before - the watching me from the corner of his eye , just the single beer . Again , he waited to leave until after my set was over then he came over , as before , to hand me money . This time I looked at him closely , noticing the details of his kind face . He appeared to be a few years older than I was ( seven , I later found out ) . He was nicely dressed in casual business clothes . There was just something so comfortable about him . I 'd never felt like that about anyone before . He handed me the tip and said , " You have something . Don 't waste it . " He smiled , and left , as usual . He smiled , " I noticed you the first night I came here , with the guys from work . There 's something different about you . You 're not like the others … " I didn 't really know what he meant . I was , to my thinking , not so much different from the other girls . When I did compare myself , I always felt myself coming up short . I knew I wasn 't as good as they were at getting the most out of the men . The girls who 'd been there a while really knew how to play those drunken guys . Compared to them , I was nothing . I was just some loser girl , working a humiliating job to pay the rent . I didn 't feel in any way worthy of being singled out . So what could he possibly have seen in me ? After my shift , he took me for coffee at the diner . We talked for a long time … about our lives , about our childhoods . He was easy to talk to . He really listened . Nobody had ever listened to me like that before . I guess he saw in me someone he could help ; someone he could save . He suggested possibilities I 'd never considered . He made me feel as if I could choose differently and still be OK . I was shaking with fear and uncertainty when I brought the tray to the couch . He was so respectful and kind . I 'd never met a man like that before . I was afraid to do anything , for fear of spooking him . Finally , I fell asleep on the sofa . In the morning , I woke up alone , neatly tucked in , covered with the blanket . Nothing had happened . I was both disappointed and overjoyed . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When you 're poor you do not have a lot of choices . The poorer you are , the fewer choices you have . We were so poor , I had only one choice . I had seven to care for … my wife , my five children and myself . I had no work . The soil was so barren , nothing grew . We were starving to death . We had already lost two little ones , but we didn 't have the luxury of mourning . Poor people living in such dire conditions know better than to become too attached to infants until it 's clear they have the strength and will of spirit to survive . Life for us was difficult and precarious . Chances of living to an age of self - sufficiency were not high . This is not to say we did not do our best for our children , but we were philosophical when they did not survive . So many died young . That was just the way of life . Of course , as they got older , as their personalities developed , they became more precious to us . My oldest daughter was 14 , born during better times , when we had some hope . She was quite lovely and graceful , a very sweet child . She was strong and smart . To look at her made me happy and proud , and yet sad and ashamed that she had been born to me - I who could do nothing for her . I wished I could have offered her more . One day , I was approached by a man from the city who offered to give me money for her . He promised to take her to a place where she could have a better life - lots of food to eat , pretty clothes . My wife wanted to do it . She knew the promises were hollow but she would have sacrificed her for the benefit of the rest of us . But I was not naïve . I had heard about what they did to the girls from the small , poor villages . Stories came back , in bits and pieces . They were horrific . I had heard of the kinds of things they made the girls do . I knew the kind of lives they were forced into . It was said these girls were usually dead of drugs or beatings or suicide in just a few years . I couldn 't do it . I could not sell my daughter like a goat , to be slaughtered . I could not condemn her to a life - such that it was - of slavery and abuse . It was not her fault she was born to such a useless father . As desperate as I was , I knew it was immoral to sell my child . I could not bear the guilt , even if it meant saving my other children , at least for a while . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! The pain was so deep and wide , for so long , I could barely think about anything else . I could not spare any compassion or sympathy for others . I could not learn any lessons except whatever things I might do to ease my suffering even slightly . With drugs , I was in a fog , could not think rational thoughts . I could barely move , but at least I didn 't have to think about the pain . I did try to avoid them in the beginning . I wanted to be in the world , even if it meant filtering everything through my wincing torment . But eventually , I just wanted the pain to stop , and if that meant perceiving the world through a narcotic haze , well , so be it . I could not sit comfortably . Walking was torture , even the few steps to and from my bed to the bathroom . Before I was born , I chose this body . I know this . But when I put myself into this life , the suffering was abstract . In the reality , in the forgetting , it was a torment which made me curse my existence . Even after months of receiving / writing these narratives , I am still wondering : it is possible to receive such stories from the dead ( even if , in my own case , it turns out not to be so ) or am I irrational to think such a thing is even possible ? Although I continue to resist facile , mystical explanations , I find the notions of communicating with the dead , of life after death , reincarnation , and metaphysics to be fascinating . There is so much evidence " proving " this point of view , that as a spiritual belief , life after death actually seems more logical and reasonable than the notion of bleak eternal nothingness . In fact , while there is plenty of evidence and documentation of reincarnation dating back millennia , ( ancient religious traditions , stories of previous lives with corroborated details , studies , books , past life regression , etc . ) , there is not a shred of evidence to prove bleak eternal nothingness ( BEN ) . Those in the BEN camp often mock spiritual believers , holding themselves intellectually above them . As logical , scientific human beings , they believe only what can be confirmed by evidence . To them , anyone who believes otherwise is a fool . And yet - and here 's the delicious irony - it 's actually the BENnys whose theological beliefs are based faith alone . There is no evidence ( and never can be ) of their doctrine , because the negative cannot be proven . Without proof , their own beliefs are simply a matter of what feels right to them . Thus , they have no " moral right " to point fingers at the " gullibility " of the other camp . . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Life works in mysterious ways . At first , I couldn 't wait to marry her . At the end , I just wanted her dead . I wanted her mouth shut ; her body rotting in the ground , where it belonged . I 'd been helplessly in love with her and she had betrayed me ; turned me into a cuckold ; made me a fool ; built huge , flashing arrows pointing to my weaknesses . If anyone had asked me , I might have said I loved her , but I guess the hatred and resentment was always bubbling beneath the surface . I hated being in her power ; hated myself for not being able to break free . She baited me all the time : Compared my " assets " to those of my best friend , who , I was often reminded , had a " much better set . " Mocking me for every mistake , large and small . Belittling me just because she could . She was beautiful and a bit exotic . When I met her , I couldn 't believe a woman like that would be interested in me . When I 'd ask her why , she told me I was her " diamond in the rough . " She said she would teach me how to be a man , and I believed her . In the beginning , she doted on me and built up my ego . I didn 't feel like merely a man ; I felt like " The Man . " Ultimately , however , no matter how much she tried to polish me , no matter how nice a setting she put me in , I was always the same old hunk of worthless rock . Soon , she hated me for it . She believed , if I 'd only loved her enough , I would change . My apparent inability to grow a spine was a slap in her face . It was a brutal transition between her believing in me and her no longer giving a damn . I ached for the early days . I still believed I loved her because I remembered how she used to make me feel . She took so much pleasure in tormenting me , and I accepted it . I believed I deserved it . My thinking went : " At least she 's still here ; at least I can satisfy her in some way . " My father had just passed away a few months before . I hadn 't had much contact with him since I 'd left home years earlier . I had no use for him . From boyhood , he , too , belittled me . At the time , I would not have said I was deeply affected by his death . It 's funny , but I can 't remember the exact words she said that set it all in motion , but it was something that cut me so deep , it opened up all the wounds from my youth . Every last scab was ripped off and they were all stinging and bleeding again : The existential fear of my own worthlessness . The self - loathing because I didn 't have the confidence to stand up for myself . The inability to trust my own judgment in any situation , thus deferring to anyone and everyone , and never having a voice of my own . In that moment , I remembered the bullies who used to tease me , especially the day I came out of school to discover they 'd set my brand new bicycle on fire . I remembered my father whispering to family members and friends , and them looking at me and laughing . I was never sure exactly what he was telling them , but I felt it had to do with my most recent failure at sports or at school , with the way I 'd mishandled a chore or errand . Nothing - and I mean nothing in my entire life - had ever impressed him . Even when I got married to that beauty , he made sure I knew he didn 't believe she really loved me . She must be some kind of gold - digger , he suggested , then corrected himself . " Nah , you 're never going have enough money to make it worth any gold - digger 's time . " She and I were standing in the living room , next to the fireplace . She was on a rant , haranguing me with the entire catalog of my flaws and weaknesses . After a while , I didn 't hear the individual words ; I just felt the toxicity of their intent . I couldn 't breathe . The poisonous cloud was enveloping me , choking me . I had to make it stop . I picked up the heavy , metal mantle clock , and without thinking , hit her with it on the side of the head . She crumpled in a heap . Dead . Oh yes . Definitely dead . It didn 't take them long to figure out the truth . She was dead and I was crying crocodile tears . I had motive and opportunity . It took about ten minutes at the station for me to confess the whole thing . I was actually relieved that it was over . I was in my own private hell . It was as if every torment in my life had been distilled to its very essence and applied here . There were no lessons to be learned , only pain to be avoided . After about four years , with another 20 before I was even up for parole , I wanted to die . Ironically , in prison , they do their best to keep you from killing yourself . They prefer you alive so they can take their retribution one cut at a time . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I knew it was going to be over soon when I started getting the night terrors . Everything spooked me … every creak of a floorboard ; a branch blowing against a window . When a plane flew low over the neighborhood , I 'd start shaking and sometimes couldn 't stop for hours . During the day , I went to the Center , where there were other guys like me . We joked around , played cards , told jokes . Smoked a lot of cigarettes . We held it together in front of the others with the one gram of pride we had left . But when I went home alone to my small room over an old lady 's garage , that 's when the fear started to come back . Too jumpy to sit still , sometimes I 'd work out until I dropped from exhaustion . In the beginning , with a little luck and a pill , I could sleep through the night . Towards the end , nothing helped me stay asleep . Through it all , I was terrorized by memories of the things I 'd seen and the things I 'd done . Regret , guilt and terror . These were all I was capable of feeling . When I first returned , I thought my emotions would eventually normalize and I 'd go back to the way I used to be . But I was permanently damaged . Eventually I came to understand that some things change us so cataclysmically that the core is literally ripped from our soul . Reunification comes only with death . This dawned upon me slowly . For a long time , I was in denial . I told myself I would get better - I 'd just have to work harder . Ultimately , though , I recognized there would never be healing for me . This was my only option . Eventually , I would have to do it . I walked around like an oozing sore , pustulating with malignancy and anger , infecting those around me . I was angry that killing myself was my only choice . I was angry that at 24 , it had come to this . I should have had a long , happy life ahead of me ; a wife and kids . Instead , I was just a husk of a human being . Killing myself wasn 't really going to destroy anything that wasn 't already completely destroyed . After I realized that this would be my inevitable end , I still managed to hang on for nearly another year . In that time , I turned over every rock in my soul , looking for progress , looking for a reason to hope . Under everything there was nothing but dust . I thought about it seriously for a few weeks , wondering how I would go about it . I didn 't want to leave a mess upstairs for the old lady . She 'd been nice to me . It didn 't want her to be traumatized by finding my body . I didn 't want anyone to have to find my body or clean up after me . I just wanted to be gone , quickly , quietly , painlessly and with the least amount of fuss . One night , I packed up my things in a bag , left out whatever money I had on the bed for the landlady to find , and walked out to a place I knew would work . I threw the bag off the bridge first , then followed it into the dark icy water below . Nobody saw me fall . The current was swift . I was out to sea before anyone missed me . I didn 't leave a note . No one would bother to look for me . They 'd all assume I 'd just left town . If anyone did eventually figure out what happened , they would know the reason why . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I am on a large outdoor dining patio , outside a restaurant near or at a national park or state monument . It 's not a fancy place ; just a casual dining area where families come for lunch after seeing the sights . The patio is cantilevered out over the side of a deep ravine or chasm , and offers an incredible view of whatever monument people have come to see . I try to see what that is , exactly , but it never becomes clear to me . My area of sight is limited to just the patio , the railing , the chasm below . I kept trying to figure out where I am . The railing and drop remind me of Snoqualmie Falls , WA . The patio reminds me of Pena National Palace in Sintra , Portugal . But it 's neither of those places . I sense it 's in the USA . Mentally I am running through the names of every park and national site I can think of , to see if I get a positive feeling about any of them . It 's as if I 'm mentally asking , " Is this it ? Is this it ? What about this ? " But none of them return a strong " yes . " Then I sense the presence of a woman . She wants me to know something . I know this entity is female but I have no sense what she looks like - not her age , race , height , weight , hair color . She " tells " me that many years ago , she was here on vacation with her family . They were taking photos . As she leaned back against the railing , it gave way . She plummeted hundreds of feet to her death on the rocks below . On her way down , she explained , she knew what was going to happen , so she astrally projected out of her body before she hit . She said she was able to watch herself crash on the rocks , but she felt nothing . No pain and no sadness . I asked what year it this was . I " felt " it was sometime in the 1970s but can 't be sure . I asked her age . No response . She 'd said she was there with her family , so I asked if she was mother or daughter . I asked her name . I tried to get some kind of visual on her . I got no feedback on any of those questions . And then she was gone . I 'm still not sure where these stories are coming from . If I were writing them myself , I would have given her a name ; described her and her surroundings , made up a year and a place , but the story " resists " my input . When I ask questions , it 's like trying to fit keys from a big pile , one by one , into a lock . Sometimes , they click . Usually not . The next day , another quick story passes through my head : I " feel " a Jewish man from my grandfather 's generation . He is originally from Kiev . Came to New York with his wife , before the war . They settled in the Bronx , and opened a butcher shop . ( I can see the store - it 's somewhat old - fashioned , with clean white display cases . ) He " tells me " he died after a fall down the stairs into the basement of the store . He hit his head and the next day , died of complications from a concussion ( which was shocking and mysterious to his family , because he hadn 't mentioned the fall to them . ) Well , these stories are certainly more interesting than just a bunch of names , thank you very much ! I open myself to the possibility that they are , indeed , some kind of spiritual communication from Il Mondo Beyondo , and invite more in . And boy , do they come ! M says , there probably are not too many people alive who are willing to listen to the dead , so when a channel opens up , they line up to tell their stories . So I 'm like , what ? The podium at a town hall meeting in the afterlife ? If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Posted on May 24 , 2014 by lissamea under Thesis Pieces When my elderly neighbor Marsha would blow glass in her garage , I would always come over to watch . I was fourteen in the summer and I believed I could see my future and the stars and all things beautiful within her glass . She would blow many colored pieces and then set them out to dry in the corner of her scorching garage , and they were like slow - oozing rainbows in the furnace - candy that was too powerful and too sweet to touch . It would burn off your tongue if you tried . I spent every afternoon watching her because I had no friends and could not waste a beautiful day inside . I believed it was a sin to God to stay indoors on a sunny , temperate day . I would paint my toes bright candy colors to mimic the colors of her glass sculptures as they came out hot and glistening . I would long to touch the molten shapes . But Marsha would push me back and say , " Not if you want to be a lady , Gwen . Ladies have fingerprints and the skin of porcelain . You 'll burn yourself . " For my fifteenth birthday my parents finally paid for me to take glass - blowing classes at the local art museum . Tuesday nights I would go and learn about blowing techniques and furnace temperatures from a potbellied man that always seemed to have a cold , which confused me because the room was always hot . There were two other students , both guys about my age , which further confused me because I didn 't think guys would care about the making of delicate things . I soon realized I was wrong about that . I told him that I was fine , but he stayed there , watching me like I had been watching the flowering shapes of glass . I looked down at myself , sweating through my t - shirt and shorts , lit by the unnatural red of the furnace fire , and I could see the similarity . It was then that I was grateful to Marsha for her first lesson . I watched him go . " Don 't touch , " I muttered to myself , smiling . " You will burn yourself . " Then I went back to pushing and molding the molten glass with my rod , the fire so hot my eyes burned from it . Posted on April 1 , 2014 by lissamea under Favorites , So this one time . . . , Thesis Pieces Claire walked around her apartment naked simply because she didn 't care . Cooking , cleaning , reading - all naked . She was on the ninth floor and left the windows open . She could have a hundred people watching her every day , a creep could have started recording her movements and posting it on the internet . Probably did . But none of it mattered to her . So what . She thought she 'd never see any of them in real life . A thousand people could watch her doing the most private thing and it would make no difference to her because they were all strangers . Plenty of days she would go out on her balcony and look down at the world , waving to tourists who happened to notice , and she 'd smile and think , " Yeah , get a load of this . Here 's New York for you . We don 't give a fuck . " But then one day somebody recognized her in the grocery store . She was in the dairy aisle picking up milk and lunch meat when a man with dark eyes and blonde hair put a hand on her arm and said , " Hey . You 're the woman on the ninth floor . " Claire pulled her arm from his grasp . " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " she said , boredom dripping from her voice . But when she got home and put her groceries away , she left her clothes on until she went to bed . The next morning she woke with the sun on her back . She sat up , realized she was late for work , and ran around her apartment in a flurry . When she was almost out the door , she realized she forgot her coffee mug on the kitchen table . She ran back to get it , but when she got to the kitchen she stopped and walked up to the window . She looked out at the city , at the mass of people and buildings spread out before her . In the building directly across from her , a naked man stood in a window holding up a neon orange sign that said : I SEE YOU . He had blonde hair and was smiling . For a moment she was caught in his gaze , a line that tethered her to him in a sea of faces , and she smiled back across the vast cavern between them . Then she took a sip of her coffee , turned around , and went out the door . Posted on March 21 , 2014 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Thesis Pieces Down there by the river is where all the boys from 801 West End would play " Indians . " We used to play the good old " Cowboys and Indians , " but one of the older boys , Lucas , had an unhealthy obsession with Indians ( he had a collection of arrowheads and pointy sticks ) and convinced us that they were cooler than cowboys because they could peel the skin off people 's heads . So no one wanted to be a cowboy , and it turned into just " Indians . " That bench is where the homeless guy was sleeping when we decided to rob him . It was a bright , sunny Saturday and we had nothing better to do . Whose idea was it to take the man 's shoe ? Victoria 's , of course . She was the only girl in the group , and had earned her reputation as one of the boys many times over . We all usually met in this field at around noon , or whenever our mothers got tired of us watching cartoons and kicked us out of our apartments . But on this day , no one was in the field . Instead they were huddled in a circle on the sidewalk , bending half - over and whispering in each other 's ears . Shit , something 's up , I thought as I jogged over to them . Secretly I wanted to say the word out loud just to see the look on Vicky 's face . It was lucky for us that he was out cold and didn 't stir a bit when Lucas pulled off his shoe and we high - tailed it down to the river . We were also lucky when we stole his other shoe the next day ( it was me that time ) . One of the boys got daring and jumped on the man 's shopping cart and rolled away with it . We whooped , pressing our hands to our mouth over and over like the victorious Indians we were , and then we donned the various grungy clothes and threw his plastic bottles at passerby in celebration . Lucas silenced us soon enough though , saying that he wasn 't truly defeated until we had scalped him . He came back the next day with a pocket knife , and it was Vicky 's idea to chop his long hair off . She knelt at the edge of the bench while we watched , slowly sawing at his hair till there was a pile of it below the bench slats . He smelt so bad that she had to cover her nose the whole time , which made for slow going . But when she was finished , we each took a lock to keep in our pockets , as a symbol of our bravery . Tuesday though , luck wasn 't on our side . There were three policemen standing around him . We looked on , pinching the locks of hair between our fingers , ready to toss them away , but it turned out we weren 't in trouble . He was just dead . He had been all along . Go figure . One day my brother came back from the river without his wooden pole . He wouldn 't explain to me what had happened ; instead he ran to his room , tight - lipped . The next morning we found that he had packed a suitcase and left in the night . I went down to the river , searching for the spot he had always described , where the piles were perfectly spaced for a man to lean on one and use its neighbor as a footrest . But I did not find such a spot . There were only gray gravel yards and rotting warehouses . Seven months later though , we found where he had really been going . Or should I say it found us ? On our doorstep was a bundle with a newborn baby inside and a note that read , " Be careful what you fish for , asshole . " Posted on January 13 , 2014 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Unrevised You stare up at the small orange globe hanging from the branch . It is shiny and bright , perfectly round . The first you have seen this season . You are not yet tall enough to reach it , so you walk under it , into the shade of the tree , and pull the branch down until the heavy orange hangs within your reach . When you stretch out your hand though , you cannot reach the orange without letting go of the branch . You shake the branch violently in hopes of dislodging the fruit , but it is young and strong and holds fast to its lifeline . At that moment your father comes up and takes a hold of the orange in one hand and the stem in the other . He rips the orange free , a bit of the skin still left on the stem . In the sunlight you can see mist floating in the air from the separation , and the scent drifts to you . You let go of the branch and it swings up to hit your father in the face . He laughs , which must mean he is in a good mood . You come out from under the tree . " Thanks , Pa ! " you say . You take the orange from his hand and smell the new hole at the top of the fruit . Seeing all the segments underneath the skin is like seeing the ripped corner of a wrapped package . You are tempted to stick your finger in the natural hole that forms where all the segments meet at the top . " That is quite a prize you 've got there , " your father says as he crouches down to your level . " What are you going to do with it ? Eat it ? " " We sure do , " agrees your mother . She leans down to kiss your cheek from behind . " Our little boy is getting to be all grown up . " " This calls for a celebration , " your father says . He gets up and returns with three plates , then pulls up a third chair . " For you , " he says , and then makes a flourish . Your mother lifts you into the chair . Together you split the orange into three parts and eat it . Everybody 's faces and fingers are sticky , and everybody gives each other sticky kisses . You remember your father 's smile and the color of your mother 's sunglasses , the feel of the orange pulp in your teeth , and the cold metal of the seat under your pudgy legs . An orange is a memory to you , a happy memory that you are grateful to have . People look at you and say how tragic you had it , that you didn 't deserve to lose your father so young , but you reckon that that 's life . People have had it much worse than you . And that 's why you don 't hate oranges . You love them actually , for their sticky - sweet tartness , the pulp they leave in your teeth , and the occasional bitter seed you can bite into if you are not careful . You are glad to have had something so precious , even if it didn 't last forever . ' Look at this one ! ' Cecilia calls out to Marla , and then she reaches down and picks up the largest peacock feather Marla has ever seen . She starts walking toward Marla , but then she stops when she feels a tug and realizes that the end of the peacock feather is tied to a string . The world is ripped away and Cecilia and Marla are spinning and holding onto each other by the ends of the huge peacock feather . They are in space and the stars are streaking by in a way that makes Marla dizzy . She looks at her sister and tells her not to let go , but then an orange ball of light comes up and hits Cecilia on the cheek . She lets go of the feather and Marla watches as Cecilia tumbles into the crooked - toothed mouth of a giant orange - and - red mottled star . Marla thinks about what it will be like at home with her sister gone . She wonders who will help her with her math homework and who will take her to the market on Saturdays to sell peacock feathers . Surely , it won 't be her parents , what with the work to be done around the grove . She pins Marla down and tickles her until she screams from the pain of it . Then Cecilia rolls off the bed and throws open the curtains . She opens the window and the scent of ripe , ready - to - be - harvested oranges drifts into the room . Cecilia turns to Marla , who is watching her sister from the bed , and asks her what they would like to do today . Marla gets up and goes to the window . It is sunny and the clouds look like bulbous white skyscrapers . She wonders how many more days like this she will get with her sister . I jumped in my seat and turned to see a black guy sitting next to me . He wore a business suit and his head was shaved . He was looking at me as he slid a briefcase under the seat in front of him . " A pear . I brought three from home , but I could only eat two of them , so now I 'm stuck carrying this one around . Would you like it ? I 'm sick of pears . " He had a brown paper bag in his lap . He picked it up and held it out to me . I took it , hesitatingly . I 'd never actually tried a pear , but I guess today was a day for firsts . The man laughed . " You know , In all my flying experiences , no stranger has ever offered me anything except the bag of pretzels or peanuts that the airline gives us . " he said . " So I guess not , no . " " I 've lost count , " he said . " Let 's just say that I 've flown about three to four times a month for the past eight years . You do the math . " I returned his handshake . " I 'm Michelle . Nice to meet you , Dave , " I said . We exchanged a smile , and then I turned to look out at the morning dew that was sliding down the small oval window . I was sitting near the back of the plane , so I could see workers loading the plane with luggage . I continued to look out the window at the little worker bees . " I am going to see my son , " I answered . " He is getting married . " " Well a mighty congratulations to you . I 'd say that was a worthy occasion to break in your flying legs . It 's not like a rocking boat , per say , but it does take some getting used to , " He chuckled at his small joke . Posted on October 2 , 2013 by lissamea under So this one time . . . Yesterday I was coming home from work when I found a spider on my door handle . I almost didn 't see it . But when I did it was when my hand was close , like almost touching it and the door handle . So I threw my keys at the spider in surprise , and they clattered against the handle and then the door and then the ground . The spider fell next to the keys , its legs brown and twitching in the air . And so as I was reaching to get the keys , I saw that the spider 's abdomen was crushed , and it was still alive . It was pretty gruesome actually . I gagged as I swept it off my doorstep with a leaf . Later that night , I went out to my doorstep and retrieved the crushed spider . I put it in a stray cardboard jewelry box and buried it next to my dog Lars and my unborn child from two years ago . I knelt in the dirt and told God that I understood why he would not acknowledge my pain . But then I prayed twice as hard for him to listen to me anyway . Posted on September 24 , 2013 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Unrevised " Hey sis , it 's me , Marla . I just wanted to let you know that I 've been thinking a lot about you lately , and about what you said on the phone the other day . Now that I 've been thinking about it , it makes me - well , it 's sitting pretty heavy . I 'm sad that you feel that way . So , get this - a star fell from the sky . No joke . You can ask anyone . I think the Sentinel even wrote a story about it . Anyway , it happened a few days ago , during the meteor show . I was outside on the roof , sitting on our old spotty blanket that we used to keep under the eve of my dormer , you know , and Mom and Dad had gone to bed - it was around three a . m . I think - and the brunt of the shower had calmed down . But you know , I don 't even think I was thinking that at the time , because you know what ? Luke was in the yard . And you know what he did ? He caught it . He caught the flipping falling star . At this point I can 't even tell you what I was thinking - I don 't even think any of the usual curse words were running through my head . I think my mind was just kind of like beep , like you know , when a heart monitor goes blank after somebody isn 't breathing anymore , and I couldn 't pass a single thought through my mind . I just watched , eyes boggling and buckets of drool pouring out my mouth I 'm sure , as he lifted the star , which was still glowing a dull red - like mom 's glass right when she takes it out of the kiln - and ate it . Now I know you must be thinking that I should have called out to him , asked him what the hell he was doing , but I just couldn 't . It was like how we always wondered what we would do if someone broke into our house , how we would say that we would grab this and that and lock the door and call the police you know ? But then , when something really huge like that happens , I don 't think we 'd really be able to do anything . I mean , this big thing was happening right in front of me and I didn 't do anything . You know ? I wonder if you felt that way when you got in that accident with Luke last year . I always meant to ask you about that , whose fault it really was , or like what the other car looked like , but I was afraid of what you would say . I 'm sorry now that I didn 't ask . I would like to know now , if you would tell me . Anyway , I was just sitting there on the roof , a puddle of spittle making the blanket all soggy , when twenty minutes later a car came down the cul - de - sac , driving slowly , and then it turned around and was gone . And then there was another car a few minutes later , and then another car came and parked in the Jacobson 's driveway . The people got out and wandered around for a bit , but they didn 't really come by our house so I couldn 't hear what they had to say . Okay sorry I guess that 's kind of the end of the story and I didn 't mean to tell you this all on a message but as you probably see , I 've called you like three times already and I just have to talk to someone about this . I mean , I know I can probably just go to Mom or Dad and they may or may not believe me but at least they would listen . But I just felt - after our conversation - that you would like to know . I just want you to know that I want you to know . And that I miss you . The next day there were some official people in the neighborhood , going from door to door asking if anybody had seen the star . I just stayed in my room when they came by . I don 't think I could hold something like that in . I mean they looked so official , with their suits and badges , I just think I would go all fish - faced and they would cart me away for electroshock therapy or something . You know ? I wonder who was home next door . I wonder if they all know about Luke , whatever he is , if they are all like that . I wonder if … I mean , you used to spend all your time over there . Did you ever notice anything weird ? Like them having extra toes or being glow - in - the - dark when they sleep or having light shine out of their eyes or something ? I just wish I knew more . Anyway , after the suits had left some reporters came through , a man and a woman armed with a notepad and camera . From what I heard from mom and dad over dinner - I just stayed in my room all day on the window seat - apparently a lot of people got photos of the meteor as it was descending to Earth . I thought it was weird because it was like - something that was so private to me and I guess Luke . And then , it was like , a phenomenon to the rest of the world . Everybody saw it , but they didn 't . You should go look up pictures . There were some really cool ones , like somebody got one from up on a hill where it was like this huge green streak over our neighborhood . I think that was how they located where it should have landed . To me though , it was really only that image of Luke , swallowing molten glass , nothing but rain dripping in our quiet suburban paradise . And , can you believe it ? Nobody could figure out what happened . And so now it has been reduced to just that weird thing that happened last week , only a few days ago , and people are already talking about something new in school - like apparently Justin Beiber cut his hair or something - and I can 't help feel that , you know , more things like this happen all the time , and nobody really cares . I mean , the world is a strange place , right ? Why question ? Why ask anybody anything ? Because nobody really knows the answers . And that just makes me think of you again . I 'm sorry that you have to listen to this , all my word vomit . You probably won 't understand the half of it . I just wish - I just wish you would call me , and maybe listen . I 'm sorry I never asked you about things before . Aw man . I can 't believe I 'm leaving this all on your answering machine . How it is that when people get a job and move to a big city they just don 't have time anymore ? They are like , ' adult , ' and have bigger things to do in life besides talk to their family . I hope you don 't feel that way . I know that yeah , you may have felt a bit underappreciated , but now I just want you to know that you were not . We all really think that you are a wonderful person and we care about you . Really . I want to hear about that . About your life now . Will you call me back ? I 'll listen whatever you have to say . I swear . " Too late , I realized I had turned on the wrong burner and the spatula had been resting on the stove . I went to turn the burner off , but by then I had a good face - full of orange smoke so as I was reaching my hand started to tilt sideways and I missed the dial completely . I tried again and missed , and then tried again and missed . I laughed , and then I realized my brother had been trying to get my attention . " Candace if you don 't say anything I 'm calling the police and sending them to your house ! " He was saying . So paranoid , always paranoid he was . " Oh , just the spatula I think melted and now my face is too , " I said because I thought it was true . Really though , I reached up and could feel my nose sliding down along the cleft of my lips , as if it were a track to steer my nose into my mouth . My tongue could touch my left nostril and it had never been able to do that before . He started laughing immediately and then held a hand over his mouth . He took a picture with his phone and turned it around to me . It looked like my nose had lowered about half an inch on my face . " I think it looks better , actually , " I said . He nodded and then asked me what it was I had been cooking . I told him I was making some rice to go with the leftover lime chicken I had made two days ago . I invited him to stay for dinner . |
Posted on May 24 , 2014 by lissamea under Thesis Pieces When my elderly neighbor Marsha would blow glass in her garage , I would always come over to watch . I was fourteen in the summer and I believed I could see my future and the stars and all things beautiful within her glass . She would blow many colored pieces and then set them out to dry in the corner of her scorching garage , and they were like slow - oozing rainbows in the furnace - candy that was too powerful and too sweet to touch . It would burn off your tongue if you tried . I spent every afternoon watching her because I had no friends and could not waste a beautiful day inside . I believed it was a sin to God to stay indoors on a sunny , temperate day . I would paint my toes bright candy colors to mimic the colors of her glass sculptures as they came out hot and glistening . I would long to touch the molten shapes . But Marsha would push me back and say , " Not if you want to be a lady , Gwen . Ladies have fingerprints and the skin of porcelain . You 'll burn yourself . " For my fifteenth birthday my parents finally paid for me to take glass - blowing classes at the local art museum . Tuesday nights I would go and learn about blowing techniques and furnace temperatures from a potbellied man that always seemed to have a cold , which confused me because the room was always hot . There were two other students , both guys about my age , which further confused me because I didn 't think guys would care about the making of delicate things . I soon realized I was wrong about that . I told him that I was fine , but he stayed there , watching me like I had been watching the flowering shapes of glass . I looked down at myself , sweating through my t - shirt and shorts , lit by the unnatural red of the furnace fire , and I could see the similarity . It was then that I was grateful to Marsha for her first lesson . I watched him go . " Don 't touch , " I muttered to myself , smiling . " You will burn yourself . " Then I went back to pushing and molding the molten glass with my rod , the fire so hot my eyes burned from it . Posted on April 1 , 2014 by lissamea under Favorites , So this one time . . . , Thesis Pieces Claire walked around her apartment naked simply because she didn 't care . Cooking , cleaning , reading - all naked . She was on the ninth floor and left the windows open . She could have a hundred people watching her every day , a creep could have started recording her movements and posting it on the internet . Probably did . But none of it mattered to her . So what . She thought she 'd never see any of them in real life . A thousand people could watch her doing the most private thing and it would make no difference to her because they were all strangers . Plenty of days she would go out on her balcony and look down at the world , waving to tourists who happened to notice , and she 'd smile and think , " Yeah , get a load of this . Here 's New York for you . We don 't give a fuck . " But then one day somebody recognized her in the grocery store . She was in the dairy aisle picking up milk and lunch meat when a man with dark eyes and blonde hair put a hand on her arm and said , " Hey . You 're the woman on the ninth floor . " Claire pulled her arm from his grasp . " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " she said , boredom dripping from her voice . But when she got home and put her groceries away , she left her clothes on until she went to bed . The next morning she woke with the sun on her back . She sat up , realized she was late for work , and ran around her apartment in a flurry . When she was almost out the door , she realized she forgot her coffee mug on the kitchen table . She ran back to get it , but when she got to the kitchen she stopped and walked up to the window . She looked out at the city , at the mass of people and buildings spread out before her . In the building directly across from her , a naked man stood in a window holding up a neon orange sign that said : I SEE YOU . He had blonde hair and was smiling . For a moment she was caught in his gaze , a line that tethered her to him in a sea of faces , and she smiled back across the vast cavern between them . Then she took a sip of her coffee , turned around , and went out the door . Posted on March 21 , 2014 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Thesis Pieces Down there by the river is where all the boys from 801 West End would play " Indians . " We used to play the good old " Cowboys and Indians , " but one of the older boys , Lucas , had an unhealthy obsession with Indians ( he had a collection of arrowheads and pointy sticks ) and convinced us that they were cooler than cowboys because they could peel the skin off people 's heads . So no one wanted to be a cowboy , and it turned into just " Indians . " That bench is where the homeless guy was sleeping when we decided to rob him . It was a bright , sunny Saturday and we had nothing better to do . Whose idea was it to take the man 's shoe ? Victoria 's , of course . She was the only girl in the group , and had earned her reputation as one of the boys many times over . We all usually met in this field at around noon , or whenever our mothers got tired of us watching cartoons and kicked us out of our apartments . But on this day , no one was in the field . Instead they were huddled in a circle on the sidewalk , bending half - over and whispering in each other 's ears . Shit , something 's up , I thought as I jogged over to them . Secretly I wanted to say the word out loud just to see the look on Vicky 's face . It was lucky for us that he was out cold and didn 't stir a bit when Lucas pulled off his shoe and we high - tailed it down to the river . We were also lucky when we stole his other shoe the next day ( it was me that time ) . One of the boys got daring and jumped on the man 's shopping cart and rolled away with it . We whooped , pressing our hands to our mouth over and over like the victorious Indians we were , and then we donned the various grungy clothes and threw his plastic bottles at passerby in celebration . Lucas silenced us soon enough though , saying that he wasn 't truly defeated until we had scalped him . He came back the next day with a pocket knife , and it was Vicky 's idea to chop his long hair off . She knelt at the edge of the bench while we watched , slowly sawing at his hair till there was a pile of it below the bench slats . He smelt so bad that she had to cover her nose the whole time , which made for slow going . But when she was finished , we each took a lock to keep in our pockets , as a symbol of our bravery . Tuesday though , luck wasn 't on our side . There were three policemen standing around him . We looked on , pinching the locks of hair between our fingers , ready to toss them away , but it turned out we weren 't in trouble . He was just dead . He had been all along . Go figure . One day my brother came back from the river without his wooden pole . He wouldn 't explain to me what had happened ; instead he ran to his room , tight - lipped . The next morning we found that he had packed a suitcase and left in the night . I went down to the river , searching for the spot he had always described , where the piles were perfectly spaced for a man to lean on one and use its neighbor as a footrest . But I did not find such a spot . There were only gray gravel yards and rotting warehouses . Seven months later though , we found where he had really been going . Or should I say it found us ? On our doorstep was a bundle with a newborn baby inside and a note that read , " Be careful what you fish for , asshole . " Posted on January 13 , 2014 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Unrevised You stare up at the small orange globe hanging from the branch . It is shiny and bright , perfectly round . The first you have seen this season . You are not yet tall enough to reach it , so you walk under it , into the shade of the tree , and pull the branch down until the heavy orange hangs within your reach . When you stretch out your hand though , you cannot reach the orange without letting go of the branch . You shake the branch violently in hopes of dislodging the fruit , but it is young and strong and holds fast to its lifeline . At that moment your father comes up and takes a hold of the orange in one hand and the stem in the other . He rips the orange free , a bit of the skin still left on the stem . In the sunlight you can see mist floating in the air from the separation , and the scent drifts to you . You let go of the branch and it swings up to hit your father in the face . He laughs , which must mean he is in a good mood . You come out from under the tree . " Thanks , Pa ! " you say . You take the orange from his hand and smell the new hole at the top of the fruit . Seeing all the segments underneath the skin is like seeing the ripped corner of a wrapped package . You are tempted to stick your finger in the natural hole that forms where all the segments meet at the top . " That is quite a prize you 've got there , " your father says as he crouches down to your level . " What are you going to do with it ? Eat it ? " " We sure do , " agrees your mother . She leans down to kiss your cheek from behind . " Our little boy is getting to be all grown up . " " This calls for a celebration , " your father says . He gets up and returns with three plates , then pulls up a third chair . " For you , " he says , and then makes a flourish . Your mother lifts you into the chair . Together you split the orange into three parts and eat it . Everybody 's faces and fingers are sticky , and everybody gives each other sticky kisses . You remember your father 's smile and the color of your mother 's sunglasses , the feel of the orange pulp in your teeth , and the cold metal of the seat under your pudgy legs . An orange is a memory to you , a happy memory that you are grateful to have . People look at you and say how tragic you had it , that you didn 't deserve to lose your father so young , but you reckon that that 's life . People have had it much worse than you . And that 's why you don 't hate oranges . You love them actually , for their sticky - sweet tartness , the pulp they leave in your teeth , and the occasional bitter seed you can bite into if you are not careful . You are glad to have had something so precious , even if it didn 't last forever . ' Look at this one ! ' Cecilia calls out to Marla , and then she reaches down and picks up the largest peacock feather Marla has ever seen . She starts walking toward Marla , but then she stops when she feels a tug and realizes that the end of the peacock feather is tied to a string . The world is ripped away and Cecilia and Marla are spinning and holding onto each other by the ends of the huge peacock feather . They are in space and the stars are streaking by in a way that makes Marla dizzy . She looks at her sister and tells her not to let go , but then an orange ball of light comes up and hits Cecilia on the cheek . She lets go of the feather and Marla watches as Cecilia tumbles into the crooked - toothed mouth of a giant orange - and - red mottled star . Marla thinks about what it will be like at home with her sister gone . She wonders who will help her with her math homework and who will take her to the market on Saturdays to sell peacock feathers . Surely , it won 't be her parents , what with the work to be done around the grove . She pins Marla down and tickles her until she screams from the pain of it . Then Cecilia rolls off the bed and throws open the curtains . She opens the window and the scent of ripe , ready - to - be - harvested oranges drifts into the room . Cecilia turns to Marla , who is watching her sister from the bed , and asks her what they would like to do today . Marla gets up and goes to the window . It is sunny and the clouds look like bulbous white skyscrapers . She wonders how many more days like this she will get with her sister . I jumped in my seat and turned to see a black guy sitting next to me . He wore a business suit and his head was shaved . He was looking at me as he slid a briefcase under the seat in front of him . " A pear . I brought three from home , but I could only eat two of them , so now I 'm stuck carrying this one around . Would you like it ? I 'm sick of pears . " He had a brown paper bag in his lap . He picked it up and held it out to me . I took it , hesitatingly . I 'd never actually tried a pear , but I guess today was a day for firsts . The man laughed . " You know , In all my flying experiences , no stranger has ever offered me anything except the bag of pretzels or peanuts that the airline gives us . " he said . " So I guess not , no . " " I 've lost count , " he said . " Let 's just say that I 've flown about three to four times a month for the past eight years . You do the math . " I returned his handshake . " I 'm Michelle . Nice to meet you , Dave , " I said . We exchanged a smile , and then I turned to look out at the morning dew that was sliding down the small oval window . I was sitting near the back of the plane , so I could see workers loading the plane with luggage . I continued to look out the window at the little worker bees . " I am going to see my son , " I answered . " He is getting married . " " Well a mighty congratulations to you . I 'd say that was a worthy occasion to break in your flying legs . It 's not like a rocking boat , per say , but it does take some getting used to , " He chuckled at his small joke . Posted on October 2 , 2013 by lissamea under So this one time . . . Yesterday I was coming home from work when I found a spider on my door handle . I almost didn 't see it . But when I did it was when my hand was close , like almost touching it and the door handle . So I threw my keys at the spider in surprise , and they clattered against the handle and then the door and then the ground . The spider fell next to the keys , its legs brown and twitching in the air . And so as I was reaching to get the keys , I saw that the spider 's abdomen was crushed , and it was still alive . It was pretty gruesome actually . I gagged as I swept it off my doorstep with a leaf . Later that night , I went out to my doorstep and retrieved the crushed spider . I put it in a stray cardboard jewelry box and buried it next to my dog Lars and my unborn child from two years ago . I knelt in the dirt and told God that I understood why he would not acknowledge my pain . But then I prayed twice as hard for him to listen to me anyway . Posted on September 24 , 2013 by lissamea under So this one time . . . , Unrevised " Hey sis , it 's me , Marla . I just wanted to let you know that I 've been thinking a lot about you lately , and about what you said on the phone the other day . Now that I 've been thinking about it , it makes me - well , it 's sitting pretty heavy . I 'm sad that you feel that way . So , get this - a star fell from the sky . No joke . You can ask anyone . I think the Sentinel even wrote a story about it . Anyway , it happened a few days ago , during the meteor show . I was outside on the roof , sitting on our old spotty blanket that we used to keep under the eve of my dormer , you know , and Mom and Dad had gone to bed - it was around three a . m . I think - and the brunt of the shower had calmed down . But you know , I don 't even think I was thinking that at the time , because you know what ? Luke was in the yard . And you know what he did ? He caught it . He caught the flipping falling star . At this point I can 't even tell you what I was thinking - I don 't even think any of the usual curse words were running through my head . I think my mind was just kind of like beep , like you know , when a heart monitor goes blank after somebody isn 't breathing anymore , and I couldn 't pass a single thought through my mind . I just watched , eyes boggling and buckets of drool pouring out my mouth I 'm sure , as he lifted the star , which was still glowing a dull red - like mom 's glass right when she takes it out of the kiln - and ate it . Now I know you must be thinking that I should have called out to him , asked him what the hell he was doing , but I just couldn 't . It was like how we always wondered what we would do if someone broke into our house , how we would say that we would grab this and that and lock the door and call the police you know ? But then , when something really huge like that happens , I don 't think we 'd really be able to do anything . I mean , this big thing was happening right in front of me and I didn 't do anything . You know ? I wonder if you felt that way when you got in that accident with Luke last year . I always meant to ask you about that , whose fault it really was , or like what the other car looked like , but I was afraid of what you would say . I 'm sorry now that I didn 't ask . I would like to know now , if you would tell me . Anyway , I was just sitting there on the roof , a puddle of spittle making the blanket all soggy , when twenty minutes later a car came down the cul - de - sac , driving slowly , and then it turned around and was gone . And then there was another car a few minutes later , and then another car came and parked in the Jacobson 's driveway . The people got out and wandered around for a bit , but they didn 't really come by our house so I couldn 't hear what they had to say . Okay sorry I guess that 's kind of the end of the story and I didn 't mean to tell you this all on a message but as you probably see , I 've called you like three times already and I just have to talk to someone about this . I mean , I know I can probably just go to Mom or Dad and they may or may not believe me but at least they would listen . But I just felt - after our conversation - that you would like to know . I just want you to know that I want you to know . And that I miss you . The next day there were some official people in the neighborhood , going from door to door asking if anybody had seen the star . I just stayed in my room when they came by . I don 't think I could hold something like that in . I mean they looked so official , with their suits and badges , I just think I would go all fish - faced and they would cart me away for electroshock therapy or something . You know ? I wonder who was home next door . I wonder if they all know about Luke , whatever he is , if they are all like that . I wonder if … I mean , you used to spend all your time over there . Did you ever notice anything weird ? Like them having extra toes or being glow - in - the - dark when they sleep or having light shine out of their eyes or something ? I just wish I knew more . Anyway , after the suits had left some reporters came through , a man and a woman armed with a notepad and camera . From what I heard from mom and dad over dinner - I just stayed in my room all day on the window seat - apparently a lot of people got photos of the meteor as it was descending to Earth . I thought it was weird because it was like - something that was so private to me and I guess Luke . And then , it was like , a phenomenon to the rest of the world . Everybody saw it , but they didn 't . You should go look up pictures . There were some really cool ones , like somebody got one from up on a hill where it was like this huge green streak over our neighborhood . I think that was how they located where it should have landed . To me though , it was really only that image of Luke , swallowing molten glass , nothing but rain dripping in our quiet suburban paradise . And , can you believe it ? Nobody could figure out what happened . And so now it has been reduced to just that weird thing that happened last week , only a few days ago , and people are already talking about something new in school - like apparently Justin Beiber cut his hair or something - and I can 't help feel that , you know , more things like this happen all the time , and nobody really cares . I mean , the world is a strange place , right ? Why question ? Why ask anybody anything ? Because nobody really knows the answers . And that just makes me think of you again . I 'm sorry that you have to listen to this , all my word vomit . You probably won 't understand the half of it . I just wish - I just wish you would call me , and maybe listen . I 'm sorry I never asked you about things before . Aw man . I can 't believe I 'm leaving this all on your answering machine . How it is that when people get a job and move to a big city they just don 't have time anymore ? They are like , ' adult , ' and have bigger things to do in life besides talk to their family . I hope you don 't feel that way . I know that yeah , you may have felt a bit underappreciated , but now I just want you to know that you were not . We all really think that you are a wonderful person and we care about you . Really . I want to hear about that . About your life now . Will you call me back ? I 'll listen whatever you have to say . I swear . " Too late , I realized I had turned on the wrong burner and the spatula had been resting on the stove . I went to turn the burner off , but by then I had a good face - full of orange smoke so as I was reaching my hand started to tilt sideways and I missed the dial completely . I tried again and missed , and then tried again and missed . I laughed , and then I realized my brother had been trying to get my attention . " Candace if you don 't say anything I 'm calling the police and sending them to your house ! " He was saying . So paranoid , always paranoid he was . " Oh , just the spatula I think melted and now my face is too , " I said because I thought it was true . Really though , I reached up and could feel my nose sliding down along the cleft of my lips , as if it were a track to steer my nose into my mouth . My tongue could touch my left nostril and it had never been able to do that before . He started laughing immediately and then held a hand over his mouth . He took a picture with his phone and turned it around to me . It looked like my nose had lowered about half an inch on my face . " I think it looks better , actually , " I said . He nodded and then asked me what it was I had been cooking . I told him I was making some rice to go with the leftover lime chicken I had made two days ago . I invited him to stay for dinner . |
If you don 't have a copy yet , and would like one , you can find it here : Naked Alliances . I highly recommend the audiobook if you like to hear a good storyteller . The eBook is still 99 cents until Sunday . I was a little concerned when I saw the " Customers who Bought this also Bought " … only because so many also bought cozy mysteries . I can 't count the number of times I have made a point of letting people know that Naked Alliances is NOT a cozy mystery . It clearly sates on the cover and book description that it includes nudity , sex , lies … and murder . The story is about murder and sex - trafficking . As I 've shared , Pokemon Go gets me out of the house and into city parks . I enjoy the sunshine and the people I find out and about . Sometimes , I just have to escape these four walls , get out from in front of the computer , stop the words in my head , and focus on something totally unrelated . The game helps me do that . For a while , when I was building up my pokedex , I would spend from 2 pm to 2 am at a special park in Kissimmee that is a magical place for finding rare pokemon . He was , it seemed , a bit drunk , and hopped out of the car . The driver called to him to get back in the car and stop acting the fool , but the guy approached my window chattering on about the good life in paradise and tossed a bag of reefer in my car window . " Go home , relax , and burn one on me , " he said . Instantly , I found myself paranoid . I know people are pretty open down here with this stuff , but I haven 't smoked it but three times since 1983 . Once with my oldest son at a Pink Floyd concert ( hey , it was necessary to get Comfortably Numb ) , once with my daughter at the Salvador Dali Museum ( think about it ) , and again with my youngest son on the back porch of my lake house on Toho , ( just because he was jealous ) . I proceed up Orange Ave , going the proper speed limit , looking over my shoulder , scared to death that some cop was going to pull me over any minute . Just as I crossed the railroad tracks on the edge of Orlando , not one , not two , not three , but nine police cars came screaming by with their lights on heading for somewhere in a hurry . I nearly shit myself . By the time I got home I was shaking all over , but slowly , I began to feel like I was in the clear . If you 're wondering what happened to the greenish - gold bud that was in the bag , I 'll tell ya . I kept it and put it in a special place . I started to flush it , but then thought , " Why not just hold onto it … . you never know when you might need it and you have no earthly idea where to find it . " So , I locked it away someplace special . Then my birthday came around . We didn 't have any sort of celebration planned and I was sitting on the lanai thinking I should do something different for my birthday . Why not get stoned ? I mean , I 'm retired , it 's not like I have to pass a piss test . I came home and sat on the lanai with my bowl and fired it up . After about four or five tokes I was completely self - aware and self - conscious . No way could I relax . My hair didn 't seem right , it was too short , my skin wasn 't clear enough , my clothes were frumpy , and I needed both a manicure and a pedicure . One thing Pokemon Go players do is catch pokemon . The other thing we do is take our games to pokemon gyms where our pokemon battle other pokemon . You have to get into your car , walk , or skate to the gyms . The gyms are frequently located at churches , dining establishments , places where there are murals or sculptures , parks , city monuments , and the like , but you can drive within playing range of most of them … not having to get out of your vehicle . You see the gyms on your phone screen and touch the screen to enter the gym with your pokemon . You line up your six pokemon to battle with and once the battle starts , you tap the screen to move your pokemon and strike the opponent 's pokemon . There doesn 't have to be another player around . They 've left their pokemon inside the gym for you to come along and battle . If you win , they get their pokemon back and you gain points toward your team winning that gym , or take an opponent 's gym back for your team and leave your pokemon there . So , it 's 3 am and I 'm out battling gyms alone . Sometimes we go as a group to stack gyms . I like to go when there is little traffic on the road , and not a lot of competition . I also like to take a bunch of gyms in the middle of the night and cash out ( if you have ten gyms you get max coins and stardust for playing the game with ) . I 'm parked in a big parking lot next door to a bank at a sculpture . Suddenly two cars pull into the lot at angles on either side of my car to block my passage forward . I 'm frightened because sometimes players take the game too seriously and have been known to assault people taking down their gyms , so I back up quickly , and spin the van around . In seconds there are four people with guns in my face , and I 'm holding out my phone saying , " Pokemon , I 'm just playing Pokemon . " The cops relaxed and lowered their weapons . ( They never turned on their blue lights , so how was I supposed to know they were cops ? ) They thought I was trying to flee when I backed up . Just as they lowered their weapons one of the cop cars rolled into the wall at the bank because she hadn 't put the damn thing in park when she jumped out of it . I tried really hard not to laugh . Posted on October 1 , 2014 by S . K . Nicholls I don 't usually lie down and nap in the middle of the day . I take meds at night that usher me off to sleep and if I try to nap during the day I often have wild and crazy dreams . It was early morning around 5 : 00 a . m . I woke up in a housing project and went into the kitchen to make some breakfast . I was making biscuits when this large black man walked in through the kitchen door . He was dressed in a headful of blond dreads , but holding a black wig in his hand . He hardly had any neck at all . That 's how heavy - set he was . He made his way past me into the bedroom , stripped off his big , black boots and his clothes . This huge , strange , naked man stood in the center of the room . I grabbed the phone to dial 911 because I didn 't know this man . When I peered into the bedroom he was wearing pale blue scruffy house shoes and pink , lacy , see - through , longjohn style pajamas . His jeans , underwear , shirt and jacket were lying in a pile on my bed . I told the dispatch operator what was happening . She kept telling me to repeat things to her and I was getting frustrated . His eyes rolled back in his head and I thought he was going to fall onto the bed . I grabbed him by the arm and he pulled my arm around his shoulders and leaned into me . He didn 't say a word . Thinking he was drunk or under the influence of drugs , I tried walking him and he followed me into the kitchen , bumping the table and knocking the flour sack over . Then he pulled me toward the door , out the door and across the parking lot . A heavy rain started falling . Within minutes the parking lot was flooded and we tromped through the parking lot in the downpour , me in my house shoes and he in his house shoes . My arm was still around his thick neck . I had given the dispatcher my address and she told me she could not send anyone to help me . I went into a tangential rant about who I would call and what I would do if she couldn 't do her job and get some help to me . She tried to explain that the address I gave her was for a building and she needed the apartment number . I calmed down and gave it to her . My reasons for living had left me . Nothing remained but the sound of the clock ticking on the wall . Silent tears tucked me into bed each night . Fear of being alone in this world woke me up in the morning . He had taken his machete to my heart and mutilated the better part of me . Only a shell of my former self remained . Knowing I was losing all that I loved , I lost my mind , went deep inside myself to the point of no return , or so it seemed . An orchestra played The Horror Anthem in my head . I lost my home , my family , and all the roles that were me . My job was gone . My profession was at risk . My grandmother 's house belonged to him now . He could pay the mortgage , the power bill , buy the groceries . All those years of listening to the advice of Suze Orman had paid off . I got the retirement savings . I got the serenity of knowing that the good does not last forever , but neither does the bad . For years , I stumbled in the darkness alone . I could let the darkness suck me up and become a casualty , or I could turn away from the darkness and toward the light . I had that choice . I could trust the light that dances moonlit shadows on the forest floor , pierces the night sky with pin pricks , and sends rays through the clouds to lift the morning fog . I could trust the light that raises the seedling from the earth , warms the landscape , and slants through the window . I could put my faith in the light . I chose to trust the light . There was not much left . The sun was beginning to set , but still , I could not look up into the sky to see it on the horizon . I walked the sidewalks of the city ; head down , to see the dandelion weeds pushing their way through the cracks . My world was black and white fusion without any tone or hue at all . It was a void , numb , gray place . Socializing seemed something reserved for the living . A newspaper blew across the street proclaiming McGillicuddy as Mayor , and I did not care . A cup of coffee at Austin 's and you were there . Our eyes locked . We began to chat . We talked for hours that day . You were an artist . You stroked skillfully onto the canvas of my soul with all of the primary colors , the palate of autumn sassafras leaves , until I laughed in the yellow , danced in the blue , and felt the passion of the red again , and again . As you painted , the blue and yellow blended into green of new life ; the yellow and red mingled into orange zest for living it . A soft purple breath was whispered into the masterpiece with the sweep of your brush . As the days went by I marveled at what we had accomplished together . It was art for art 's sake , and then we signed that painting . Now we have this beautiful rainbow suspended in the spaces around us . It catches the light of a new morning sun . After ten hours on the train with my darling wife riding across the bucolic German countryside , I was relieved to know there was a pub down the stairs from our hostel . Twelve rounds of the best ale to be found and they started up with the karaoke , which pounded on my head in German and forced me into a foul mood . I followed the ale with eight shots of ice cold Jägermeister , trying to drown out the noise . My head and my bladder were about to explode . I was looking for the bathroom when I stumbled through doors to find myself in a lovely patio garden . It was dark out there , so I whipped old Joe out and started pissing , when all of a sudden I heard a voice , " Stop whizzing on my head , you Yank ! " I slid down beside the little fellow , not certain that I could stand any longer . " I wa … I wa … I wasn 't expecting anyone to notice , " I said , " Didn 't think anyone el . . else was out here and I 'm terribly ssss … sorry about your drenching . I didn 't know , uh , I didn 't know gnomes could talk . " I know that self - disclosure can be a dangerous thing . With all that is going on in Texas , South Dakota , and other communities across the country , I feel a need to go there with a couple of personal stories . First and foremost , it is not my intent to debate right or wrong . Second , all I can really do is tell you how it was in my life . Third , pray that you don 't have to make the sorts of difficult decisions I have had to make . Finally , wish you the best possible outcome if you have faced or are facing similar circumstances , or know someone in such a situation . It was 1978 ; I was not yet 18 years old , with a son not yet two years , an abusive , estranged husband in Germany , and an abortion two weeks behind me . I had spent the last two weeks sitting in the living room floor with my son in my arms , crying , and listening to Linda Ronstadt albums , over and over . Linda Ronstadt gave way to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks and slowly I began to feel less sorry for myself . I still had my job as a nursing assistant at the local hospital , but I had spent most of my money on the abortion . I knew that I could not stay in my apartment , but I had no idea where I could go . My grandparents , a hundred miles away , were clueless to all that was going on with me . I did not feel that I should trouble them . One night , at the hospital , I met a man , D . H . , who was at the hospital because a female friend of his , A . L . , had overdosed . On what , I don 't know , probably Quaaludes and Tequila , since that was the passing fancy . The drug culture was not new to me as my husband and his friends were in the thick of it before he joined the Army . It was just not something I personally imbibed , except for an occasional smoke or a very rare snort of a line … which did absolutely nothing for me . It was certainly not something I wanted my son exposed to . Yet , this man made me an offer I could not refuse . D . H . was of Polk County Pot Plane fame . ( I won 't go into the details of that , you can look it up on the web , a " B " movie was made about it [ the movie is a joke , not at all how things really happened ] ) . He had led the group who unloaded the plane and had a 75 acre pot farm hidden away in the North Georgia Mountains . D . H . was a Grizzly Adams type of guy , with long , blonde , bushy hair and beard . He ran a hippie commune in the midst of this pot farm where about forty young men and women made their home . They were mostly runaways , remnant draft dodgers , or people over eighteen who had been kicked out of their homes . Four or five of the young women had infants or toddlers . He invited me to relocate there and bring my son . All I had to do was help with the children , gardening , harvesting food and meal preparation . Being a farm girl in my youth , I thought this would work out well . My son would have playmates and I would be living the farm life again , which I had so dearly loved in my childhood . Meanwhile , back at the apartment , I had a new neighbor , a Greek Adonis , N . K . , whose friends and family owned and operated the local pizza parlor . Knowing I would be moving to this farm in the wilderness , I also knew I would have to give up my job at the hospital . I had no transportation , and while a few of the men had vehicles , I could not depend on them for a regular ride to my work . This guy , N . K . , promised me a job as a waitress , paid in cash every Friday , plus keeping my tips daily . Most significantly , he would pick me up and drive me to work every day . I would only be working evenings from 4pm until 10 pm Thurs . and Sun . and 4pm to 2am Fri and Sat . I had promise of cash and a ride . I also had built in babysitters for my son . I acclimated to life on the farm / commune quite well . I would get up and bake biscuits every morning served with grits , eggs , ham and sausage . We had goats , pigs , a couple of cows , and chickens . The vegetable garden was plentiful . We made jellies and jams from wild berries . The kids all stayed together with their toys in a huge playpen we had constructed outside and two smaller ones inside . The women , with flowers in hair , running around in tie - dyed maxi dresses , blue jeans and sandals , attended to each other 's children as needed . We were rainbow colors dancing rings around the sun . Evenings , all would gather on a huge Asian rug in the living room in a circle on the floor , pass around the pipe , and talk about the day 's events or what was planned for the next day , listening to Marshall Tucker , CSN & Y , Pink Floyd , Bob Seger or whatever tunes we happened across . Fluorescent posters papered the walls of the old farm house , lit by black lights and strobes . We had a pet raccoon , named Rocky , and two flying squirrels that would join us . Though not ideal , I did feel safe . I did not ; however , feel that I or my son had any sort of future there . My new found friend , N . K . , would come inside the house with us on those weekend nights that he drove me home from work . He was exotic , tall , dark and handsome , speaking with a thick Greek accent . I was all of 5 ' 4 1 / 2 " , 100 pounds soaking wet , had long blonde hair that I sat on , and bright green eyes . I must have seemed exotic to him . My commune friends were suspicious ( and perhaps a bit jealous ) . N . K . drove a black on black , brand new Trans Am . One night , a couple of guys from the commune were busted in the parking lot of the pizza parlor and my friends were sure N . K . had something to do with it , but I doubted it . Needless to say , I was not trusted anymore . N . K . vehemently denied any involvement , and I believed him . After all , he informed me that he was planning to move to NYC with his partner to open a Greek restaurant in Jamaica Bay . He offered me to join them . I didn 't know , at the time , that he was deeply entrenched with the Greek mafia . That is something I learned a thousand miles from my home and a month later . All I knew at the time is that I was promised a job in the new restaurant . N . K . also assured me that he had connections in NY that could get me a modeling job . With some hope for a future , I left my son in the care of his grandparents , and struck out for NYC . Friend is a dangerous word in some circles . I won 't go into the details here , but I will say that his plans for me did NOT include a modeling job . At seventeen , I was merely a charm on his arm to various functions and parties in wait of my 18th birthday , which would be November 15th . N . K . , and his friends , who were brothers , S . N . and L . N . , and their wives , were busy setting up the new restaurant . N . K . had secured an apartment in what was once an old bank . It was two stories . The upper rooms were stocked with evening gowns , cocktail dresses , shoes , accessories and makeup . There was only one door in or out of the large apartment . N . K . bolted it locked when he left for the restaurant every day . There was a vault in the old building that once housed a safe . The safe was no longer there , but the space had been converted into a well secured closet . The closet housed guns and drugs . My job was to guard these , call N . K . if anything suspicious occurred , and to escort the entourage of beautiful women who came and went to the upper rooms all day and all night to change clothes . These women had keys , and I didn 't . Where they went every evening , I did not ask . One day about noon , I was sitting in the living room reading a book when I heard scratching at the front door . At first , I thought it was one of the girls who had forgotten her key . Now , it was November and already cold and windy , but there were no tree branches near that door . Then , the scratching again . I was dead bolted inside this apartment with no way out , … or so I thought . Then I heard " Ayuda ! Ayuda ! " There was a Peurto Rican village on one side of our Greek village and a Mexican village on the other . These were the first words I learned in Spanish , long before I learned to count . I tried to peer out the barred window , but I could see nothing . Again , I heard , " Ayudame ! Ayudame ! " louder , pleading , crying . A knock at the door , timid at first , and then forceful . I put my book down and , on a whim , tried the door . It opened , and into my arms fell a young girl . She had long black hair and large brown eyes . Her eyes were screaming with fear , yet glazed and reddened from crying . Her face was pale and dry , no tears . Unable to hold her , we both went to the ground . Her head lay in my lap . Her lips were blue . She was larger than me , but could have been my age , a young woman , not more than twenty years . She could have been younger . Her blue jeans were wet and black , soaked with blood . A pool of blood at her feet , and a trail behind her to the sidewalk and beyond . Her breath was in gasps . Her pulse was fast and thready . I had to let her go to call for help . Amazingly , people were passing on the sidewalk , and no one bothered to help at all . They glanced in our direction as if to say , " Looks bad , but not my problem , " as they stepped around the bright red sidewalk mess . I left her there in the doorway . I made a call to the operator and asked for an ambulance . My fear , though not as great as hers , was that the police would come and find the closet . A fleeting , selfish thought . N . K . and I would go to jail . It was not something I could dwell on long . This girl was dying . Already , she slipped out of consciousness , eyes closed , limp as a dishrag . I knelt beside her and held her in my arms , brushing her hair from her face with my face , and begging her to hold on . Her skin was cold against mine . I felt her spirit leave her body . I knew she was not going to make it . She was barely breathing when the medics arrived , along with the police . They carted her off on a stretcher and into an ambulance . She was somebody 's child , somebody 's sister , she was somebody ; perhaps , a mother , like me . The questions from the authorities came like rapid gunfire . Was she alone ? Did I see which way she came from ? Did she say her name ? Had I seen her before ? Did I know her ? Did she get out of a vehicle ? How long had she been there ? Did she say anything else at all ? They repeated the same questions a dozen times and all I could say was what little I knew . They took photographs . They walked all around the building . Then they left . No one asked to come inside . I cleaned up the blood all the way to the sidewalk , and followed the trail , as the police had , to the parking lot behind the building , where it disappeared . I called N . K . on the phone and told him what had happened . He was furious with me that I had opened the door , and more so with himself for having left it unlocked . " She could have died on our doorstep ! " I exclaimed . The next day , N . K . made sure to dead bolt the door . About 10 : 00 am a couple came to the door , a man and a woman . They identified themselves as detectives from some task force . I could not open the door to let them in , so I spoke to them through the door . They asked me the same questions I had been asked the previous day . They told me the girl had died . She died at 5 : 00 pm , alone in a hospital , another statistic . Yes , it is always 5 : 00 somewhere . She had suffered a traumatic botched abortion . They believed by her pimp , or some John . Who knows ? It could have been a " friend " trying to help her out of a bad situation . These were common deaths back then , not even noted in the news . She was known in the neighborhood as a street girl , Maria , like so many other Marias . No last name . Maria Doe . Just another whore . Who knows why ? Somebody 's child . Perhaps , somebody 's mother . God only knows why that door wasn 't bolted on this particular day . God only knows what life He saved Maria from , what life Maria saved me from . Or why ? Why did I find that ledger in 1992 stuck between two torn down walls ? The title of yesterday 's and today 's post is sarcastic . Of course , I can 't possibly imagine criminalizing abortion again . It would not stop the practice . It would only create more criminals , cause more pain and suffering . I can 't condone abortion used indiscriminately and irresponsibly as contraception . I can support a potential parent 's right to decide and choose if they are ready to be responsible and committed to raising a child . For the child 's sake , if for no other reason . Teaser : I spent the latter part of my eighteenth birthday night naked in Central Park , near Fifth Avenue , close to the zoo , hiding behind a trash can and my hair until rescued by a soul man with a huge afro named George , and his woman , Ernestine , in a big , shiny , black Cadillac who took me to K - Mart to buy clothes . I made it back home to LaGrange , Georgia , by way of the Cayman Islands . It 's a long story . Posted on February 26 , 2014 by S . K . Nicholls I know that self - disclosure can be a dangerous thing . With all that is going on in Texas , South Dakota , and other communities across the country , I feel a need to go there with a couple of personal stories . First and foremost , it is not my intent to debate right or wrong . Second , all I can really do is tell you how it was in my life . Third , pray that you don 't have to make the sorts of difficult decisions I have had to make . Finally , wish you the best possible outcome if you have faced or are facing similar circumstances , or know someone in such a situation . It was 1975 , and I was living in an orphanage , the Ethel Harpst Home , in the North Georgia Mountains . I had been in foster care for several years after a few years with an abusive step - parent on the heels of my mother 's death . I don 't believe , at that time , I knew what love was anymore . I felt love as a child and had loving grandparents , but there had been enormous fear and loneliness . At fifteen , I wanted to know love . I wanted to feel loved . I met a guy at school . He was popular and his family was prominent . He jumped through hoops at the Harpst Home to be able to date me , meeting with the house parents and the home 's administrator . He wrote letters and his parents wrote letters . I felt immensely desirable . First , house dates for months , then away dates . Then , on about the third away date , I was date raped … but he " loved " me , and I was just " confused " . Sex was supposed to be fun . It didn 't matter that my faith had indicated to me that I should remain a virgin until marriage . I had been violated , but he " loved " me . He bought me flowers , candy and jewelry . He called me twice a day . We had mutual friends and they were all having sex . It was the sexual revolution . Birth control pills had come out in 1960 , so by 1975 everybody was on them , but me . To take birth control pills would mean admitting that I was having sex , and I could not do that . By March of 1976 , I was pregnant . The Baptist Church I had been attending closed its doors to me . After all , what a horrible influence I would be to the other young women . " Free love " was trendy , and casual sex , once forbidden , was becoming commonplace . Roe versus Wade had decriminalized abortion in 1974 , and birth control was relatively easy ; however , neither was readily accessible . I did have a Social Worker , Shelia Turner , who spoke to me about options . My boyfriend could be arrested for statutory rape . I could have an abortion , and not leave Harpst Home or disrupt my life in any way . I could go to an unwed mother 's house in Atlanta , give the baby up for adoption and return to the Harpst Home to complete my education . I had a $ 17 , 000 . 00 scholarship to Wesleyan and my teachers were encouraging a career in journalism . The option to have the baby and keep it was not suggested , but it was the option I chose . My boyfriend was excited to become a father and eagerly offered to marry me . We were wed in the United Methodist Church . I stayed in school , and graduated early in advanced classes . At sixteen , December 20 , 1976 , I gave birth to a healthy bicentennial baby boy . My nineteen year old husband worked at a meat processing plant and he decided to join the Army as his father had been career military . He completed his Basic Training and MOS in South Carolina . His first duty call was to Stuttgart , Germany . We could not go , my son and I , because he had not been in the service for two years . Before he left , he beat me severely to let me know that he could kill me if I was unfaithful to him while he was gone . I put him on a plane July 11th , 1978 . There were tears in our eyes , and at seventeen years old , I took my eighteen month old son home to Cedartown , to our apartment which had a $ 300 . 00 / month rent , $ 100 . 00 / month power bill , and no groceries . I discovered the rent had not been paid for the two months my husband had been home , nor had the power bill . I pawned my wedding band and engagement ring to pay the bills and buy food . A week later , I discovered I was pregnant despite being on birth control pills . I could not believe it . I also received a letter from my husband telling me simply , " I am tired of being married , so go back to South Georgia , Love Bryan . P . S . Take care of my son . " My son 's family refused me any assistance . His mother advised me to , " Woman up , like a military wife should ! " I had no car . There was no public transportation in that small town . I worked two jobs while my neighbor babysat raised my son . I worked as a clerk at the drug store from 1 : 00 pm until 9 : 00 pm , had two hours to walk home , eat , change clothes , and walk to my second job as a nursing assistant at the local hospital from 11 : 00 pm until 7 : 00 am . Had two hours to walk home , eat , change clothes and be back at the drug store to work from 9 : 00 am until 1 : 00 pm … every other day . I had from 2 : 00 pm until 10 : 00 pm every other day to be a parent and to sleep . I was earning $ 2 . 33 an hour . The clerk job was on a rotating shift and the nursing assistant job was straight nights . I was trying . The bills weren 't getting paid , and we barely had groceries . After a month of these work hours , I went to the health department for assistance and was put on the W . I . C . program . I went to the Department of Family and Children 's service for welfare , but they could not help me because my husband was military . They sent me to the Red Cross . The Red Cross could not get me food assistance , but they arranged for me to fly to Germany to speak with my husband 's Commanding Officer and tell my husband of my second pregnancy . I left Ft . McClellan , Alabama in a cargo plane alone . My son was with his grandparents . Once in Stuttgart , I went to the guest house and then to see my husband 's C . O . He told me that Bryan had problems with drugs and alcohol , disobedience , and was heading for a dishonorable discharge if he did not straighten up . He told me that he was supposed to be living on post , but he had been staying off post . He gave me an address . I took a cab to the address and had it wait , because I did not know what to expect . There was a store with an apartment above where I was to find my husband . I walked up the steps on the side of the building . Once at the top on the landing , I peered through the screen door to see my husband in bed with a woman who could have been my twin . It was a small apartment and the sofa was opened into a bed in the living room . They were sleeping in each other 's arms and appeared to be quite comfortable . I did not wake them . I went back down the stairs , got back into the cab , and went back to see the C . O . I told him what I saw , and that I was pregnant and needed some assistance . He assured me the he would get an allotment check cut out of my husband 's pay . I got back on a cargo plane and came home . The allotment was $ 100 . 00 per month . I quit my job at the drug store . I filed for divorce , and went to the Hillcrest Clinic in Atlanta and had an abortion on August 25 , 1978 . I could not manage to feed one child alone . I was hopeless and helpless . It was how I chose to help myself and my son . It was my only hope . The divorce took two years . I remarried . My hat is off to women who have been able to raise kids alone . At age fifty - three , I have three grown children , two grandchildren , and retired early from a thirty year career in nursing . You may be wondering why I decided to tell this story . I had an interview published yesterday that made me think about what motivated me to write Red Clay and Roses . Where did the passion come from to tell the stories of Althea , Bonnie Jean , and Sybil ? A story that tells of three women with unplanned pregnancies before Roe versus Wade , and before birth control . The secrets they kept . The choices they made . Their consequences . The good doctor and how he illegally served his community . Swamp Witch Wilma and how she did the same . 1954 . Do we need to go back there ? Posted on February 18 , 2014 by S . K . Nicholls Jon , the bartender , had told me about being up for a management position at Brio Tuscan Grille . He was hoping for the Assistant Manager 's position as it would mean more money , his rent was due , his wife just had a baby , he had a two year old at home , and his car was on it 's last leg . Brio was always the hopping joint in the Village by 8 : 00 PM , but it was early yet . A long day 's work behind me , I kicked off my heels , and hung my suit coat across the back of my bar stool . Within minutes , I was sitting there quietly at the bar dining on a large platter of beef carpaccio with arugla , capers and Dijon , warm bread in herb infused oils , flat breads , and sipping a glass of Shiraz . The place was empty except for two distinguished businessmen in suits a ways down the bar from me . Known to eavesdrop for learning purposes , I listened as they spoke about corporate plans and entrepreneurial joint ventures . They also had a few words to say about bitter wives . In came Roxie , a member of the Winter Park Wives Club . Not a formal Wives Club like the Women 's League of this or that , but an informal name I had given to the large group of high maintenance women who gathered on Thursday nights to gossip about whose secretary was doing whose husband and what they hoped to gain from such relationships . Sometimes , being invited to their tables , I was privy to their secrets and knew Roxie to be one of the more vicious women who had owned a small cafe in the Village that had gone bust , and had a penchant for jewelry . She was separated from her husband who had been let go from a legal firm and had a new , hot - bodied , young , boyfriend , Jarred , an architect . White tassels shimmying on her short white dress with with every step , she bounced across the room to the bar . With her dark hair cut short and curled slightly around her face , and deep red lipstick , she resembled a flapper from the 1920s . Her high heels made her walk awkward with her lean long legs , and her bulging flesh was oozing out from around every orifice of her skin tight dress . She draped her bosom across the bar , still with arm extended . " No , it has no numbers . It has no second hand . It has no indiglo . " I held out my Timex and showed her my large faced $ 15 . 00 watch , with it 's blue indiglo backlight . " I can see this baby in the dark . " " Well , I 'm a working woman . When I work past noon , I can even even see military time at a glance . " I showed her my watch again . " Well , you need to get off your feet more and onto your back . " Abruptly she turned to leave . " See you later , Jon , " she call out behind her . I ate free at Brio for the entire year I worked in admissions for hospice . Every Thursday , after 12 hours on the street , going from crisis to emotional crisis , I would go by my Winter Park office , drop off my paperwork and head over to hang out with bartenders , Texas and Paul , and Jon , the new Assistant Manager at Brio Tuscan Grille . Occasionally I dined with the Winter Park Wives Club just for shits and giggles . Regarding Follow Backs Please have a " Follow by Email " widget posted on your landing page if you expect a follow back . 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Oct15 It was one of those long tiring days . I guess that I should be use to it . I leave my home every morning at 6 am to go to work . It 's tough to work for a textile company ; especially when you didn 't finish school . So you have to accept any job they gave you . My parents and I lived in an isolated countryside . To go to the nearest market ; we had to walk for hours on a dirt road . When my parents saw that I could read and write a little ; they told me to stop and help them out with the farming . I didn 't have a choice . Later on I met my husband . During that time ; he helped his boss who had a small truck to load in goods . It was love at first sight . He promised me that he 'll take me far away from this deserted place if I followed him . I did accept . So I left my parents at an early age . When we moved into town , we didn 't have a luxurious home . It was just a two roomed place and the kitchen and toilet was outside . I had to help my husband earn our daily bread . That 'd why I decided to apply for a job in a textile company . I guess I was lucky that I got hired right away . I didn 't want to be someone 's housekeeper . They make you work real hard and hardly give you food to eat . At my job now ; I 'm in the " Pressing section " . You stand there during the entire day just ironing . I always have to bring a bottle of water from home to drink when it gets too hot . Some of my co workers just pass out . They 're probably too exhausted or it 's the heat they can 't support . I wish I could bring my own lunch from home but I don 't want to be different from the others . Everyone eats lunch there . The food is terrible . Some say that the cooks mix baking soda in the rice when they cook it to make it more . Often I get heart burns . My husband runs in the house breathlessly : " Put your shoes on and let 's go ! " We got to a place where there was a crowd of people already there . It was pitch dark and cold . Some guys were prying a department store doors open . I was shocked . People were over excited and pushing each other to enter it . My legs became weak . When we got inside it was horrifying seeing people run everywhere and steal all they can . Some took off their own clothes and put on new ones . Others brought a plastic bag with them . " Woman , why are you just standing there ? If you 're not going to take anything . Get out of my way then . " a man said ; pushing her aside . I didn 't know where my husband had disappeared . It was a total chaos . I was running up every floor to search for him ; but no luck . I heard someone downstairs shouting : " Get out ! Get out ! The store is burning down " . That 's when I really panicked . I didn 't know what to do or where to go . The smoke was blinding me . I hardly could breathe . The place was falling apart . I heard screams from all directions . I thought that day I was going to be burned alive . My son came to my mind . I don 't want him to be an orphan . I tried to drag myself out . Some parts of my clothes were on fire . When I reached the entrance door ; I could see the people trying to open it . It was blocked . I know I had to find another way out . I got up as fast as I can and went back upstairs . Some of the stairs were already crumbling but I didn 't care . I finally reached the second floor where I saw a gap big enough for me to squeeze through . All I wanted is to get out of this building . I fell and hit the hard ground . There were more screaming . I 'm not sure for how many days I was unconscious . I was relieved that I was still alive but the hospital bill worried me more . My mother in law was next to my bed with my son . Weeks passed and I decided to go back to work . I still wasn 't strong enough . My boss noticed that too . " Look ! I know what you 've been through . I 'm sorry that you lost your husband . We have a lot of work now . You can hardly iron more than 10 clothes . I want you to leave right now . As you know that time is money . I have no time to waste . " The boss hollered . I didn 't want to cry in front of him . I took my bottle of water and followed him to his office . He gave me my salary just for two weeks . I didn 't know what to do . It has been awhile that I couldn 't even pay our house rent . My mother in law didn 't want anything to do with us since her son died . I wanted to go back home to my parents . I knew if we did ; we 'll just be a burden to them . As I walked in the street ; I couldn 't hold my head high anymore . I didn 't even see the little dried tomatoes that I bought rolled out my bag . There 's a nice lady behind me who picked it up for me . " Nowadays ; people don 't smile anymore . This political crisis really destroyed each home . Some parents can 't send their children to school . Everything you buy in the market is expensive . Some just eats rice by itself . They can 't even afford to buy leafy greens to eat with it . " The woman said sighing . " Madam , can you please help me . My son and I don 't have a place to stay . My husband died in the terrible fire at the department store . " Noro pleaded ; tears falling down her face . " Or I can wash your laundry . Just anything to have a home for us . I don 't want my son to live on the street . " Noro told the woman . " Look what I can do for you . I have this little place . Actually ; it 's where my pigs used to stay . I had to sell them all because of this crisis . You have two choices . You can stay in my pigpen or out in the street . Don 't worry you don 't have to pay any rent . I give it to you for free until now . The only condition is that you don 't bother me and my family . You find your own food . " After several days ; I went back to see the ruins of the burned building that caused the death of so many people . I brought a flower that I found in the public garden . There were other families of the victims throwing flowers into what was left of the burned department store . That 's how they paid respect to their loved ones . I kissed mine and layed it on the ground . I can never forget the day when we moved in the pigpen . It was filthy and stank . We didn 't have any bed to sleep on . We had to use our thin old mats . That night I layed down and thought : " Even though I didn 't have much before I had a home . Now I have nothing . The change was too sudden and cruel . I believe that I 'm not the only one who is suffering because of this crisis . We never know what would occur the next day of our lives . Too many innocent lives were taken for the greed of the others . Here is the country now ; sinking in the blood of its people that were killed . " This entry was posted on October 15 , 2009 , in Madagastory . 1 Comment Oct13 Early in the morning ; it was already drizzling . The kind of weather that doesn 't make you want to go outside . Late at night ; is the only time there is peace in the tunnel . Even before the sunrise ; people and cars are rushing through it . I couldn 't sleep well last night . I guess because the ground seemed too cold as usual . The boxes that we found in trash bins didn 't help much . We had to flatten the boxes , so everyone could have a place to sit . I leaned against Soa who was lightly snoring . I tried not to wake her and her little son 3 yrs old son Patrick up . As I got myself in a more comfortable position . It has been a longtime ; since I have been with Soa . We 're not related . Us being inseparable made us close as a family . Sometimes I have this urge inside of me to call her Mama like little Patrick . But I don 't dare . She 's not my mother . Just someone who found me in a trash bin by chance when I was a baby . She told me that I was wrapped in a plastic bag ; crying weakly . She didn 't know how long I was there . What surprised her that I didn 't suffocate with all that trashes on top of me . She said that I was around 6 months . During that time ; she was still childless . So she took me and tried to raise me as she could . When I grew up ; once I called her Mama but she got very upset and yelled at me that she wasn 't my mother . Since then I called her by her name . Sometimes I ask myself what did I do wrong to make my real mother hate me so much . That she was capable to try to kill me . I was just an innocent baby for goodness sake . There are times that I would make up stories in my mind that she 'll come back to look for me . But she never did and I know she never will . I have to quite fooling myself . It isn 't easy to face up to reality . There 's no other choice . Patrick 's eyes open slowly and he begins to fidget . I remember the time Soa was pregnant . I never figured out who was the father . She always left me alone in the tunnel while she went to do her business . I knew that I 'll be lonely more thaEach time that I look at Patrick ; there 's this jealous feeling inside of me . I have to admit it that it hurts me a lot how Soa is so affectionate to him . I know that it 's her kid . Now ; she treats me like I was just a puppy that tags along . I want to be loved too . It 's tough being 12 yrs old girl and lonely . As usual Patrick wanted to be paid and attention too . He howled . " Sir ! Madam ! Please give us money we haven 't eaten for days . " Peta begged . No one cared . People tried not to step on them . It was probably because they didn 't want their clean clothes to get dirty . " Stay here ! We 're going for a walk . " Soa said . Peta had no choice but to obey her . At night ; it 's a jungle out here . There 's no safety for anyone ; especially little girls like her . People think that bad guys don 't mess with homeless people like us . Even though we have nothing to offer them . We 're not safe . Once after midnight ; the silence in the tunnel was disturbed by a group of guys . They were very rowdy and drunk . They kicked us repeatedly while we were sleeping . One guy pulled me and forced me to follow him . I was terrified and screamed . Soa hollered at them to leave me alone . She got punched in the face . The guy who was gripping my arm so hard ; looked at me and said : " Do you think I want you ? You stinky , dirty rag ! " He threw me against the wall . I didn 't pass out . Just in terrible pain . I heard them laugh hysterically while they left . That wasn 't the first time incidents like that happened to me . It was always Soa to protect me . I 'm grateful for what she has done for me . As she said that I owe her . People don 't like to get near me because I smell bad and really filthy . I can 't help it . Here in town it 's difficult to find to water and soap to wash ourselves . The disgust look on their faces really breaks my heart . I want to shout at them and say : Don 't look and treat me like that . I 'm a human being like you . I have blood circulating in me and organs like you . We came into this world the same way and we all will die one day too . The differences between us are that you have a roof over your head ; good food to eat ; education ; money and clean . What do I have ? Nothing compared to you . I live under a tunnel . I 'm stepped on everyday . No one bothers to apologize . The air I inhale is pollution from the cars you have . I dig into the trash bin to survive from starving . A rotten fruit is one of the best foods we can find . You throw away your leftovers . When we find it ; it 's like we found a treasure . When your clothes are torn or old ; you throw it away . We gather it and wear it again . It helps us from being cold and naked . The things you consider as garbage . We take it and cherish it for the rest of our lives . I 'd been walking for hours now with a growling stomach . I begged people to give me a piece of what they were eating . They ignored me . Or the usual answers : No ! or I have nothing to give you ! I was totally exhausted and sat on the grass near a bench where there was two girls talking . They were complaining about their parents not giving them allowances to buy clothes . Not having enough money to watch the concert during the weekend . I sighed and thought to myself that everyone has their own problems and worries . It was getting dark and everyone seemed to be in a hurry to get home . For me ; I don 't have anything special waiting for me at home . No hot meal nor a cozy bed nor a television show that I don 't want to miss ; at home . Tonight will be like one of those other nights that I would go to sleep with an empty stomach . Hours passed but Soa and her son didn 't come back yet . I didn 't worry about them . Soa knows how to take care of herself . All I have is my dreams to create a world that I know will never exist for me . I dream at night and face reality in the morning . Days , weeks ; and months passed . Soa and little Patrick never showed up again . Peta looked around everywhere but couldn 't find them . She became a loner in a cruel world where you have to fight for survival . She had no one to lean on too but herself . " That 's my world which differs from yours ! " This entry was posted on October 13 , 2009 , in Madagastory . Leave a comment Jan14 Ndimby was the eldest of his 8 siblings and also the dumbest and unluckiest one . The others had the chance to finish their studies until the end . Despite of his laziness , Ndimby couldn 't even finish primary school . So he stayed illiterate compared to his siblings . He always considered school as a waste of time and energy . He 'd rather hang out with his jobless and good for nothing friends . They gambled outside until dark . If gambling made him rich , he didn 't live with his old worned out parents in a shack . Ndimby was too stubborn and disrespectful even to his parents . " It didn 't just disappear in thin air or walked out the door by itself . Someone stole it and it 's you . No one else is capable to do that except you ! ! It 's not your first time to steal from your own home ! " she said furiously . " How could you ! That ring was a family heirloom . Can 't you earn money decently like the others ? Instead of stealing from your own family . I want it back now ! " " Unbelievable ! I break my back everyday washing people 's laundry . So I can put bread on the table . We took care of you , fed you , put a roof over your head . This is how you thank us by making our life miserable . I had enough get out of this house , right now ! ! " " How dare you disrespect me ! If you were still little I gave you a good spanking . I don 't want to see your face around here anymore . We disown you as our son . You caused your father 's serious heart problem . You leave this house without our blessings . I curse you that you 'll live a misfortunate life . Nothing but misery and failure . " " Your curse won 't have an effect on me . You 're just wasting your breath . And also wasting my time . I 'm glad to leave this dump and explore this wonderful world . " Ndimby , my heartaches and my tears are endless . I swear that all my sorrow will linger over your head like a black cloud that will darken your life . " his mother sobbed . As weeks passed , Ndimby couldn 't find a place to stay and hardly ate at all . One day he was starved and roamed through the woods weak of hunger . He spotted a tiny house . When he reached for the door , the golden necklace turned into a huge snake around his neck . Shocked , he couldn 't move . It was choking him to death , while suddenly the door flew open . ' Not yet . You 're were very stupid to enter a witch 's home . You belong to me now . If you try to escape , you 'll suffer terribly . You won 't die but you 'll wish you could . Now you 're my slave and inheritance . " the witch told him . Nov13 In life , when we do something it 's very important to have self - control . That day i committed the biggest mistake of my life . Like most men I 'm nuts crazy about 3 things in life : women , alcoholic beverages and meat . It was a Sunday afternoon , me and my beloved bottle of " Toaka gasy " which is a strong made malagasy alcoholic drink . I didn 't really care about my family and never was there for them . I 'd never entered my home sober . I enjoyed beating my wife and kids . I 'd like the feeling being dominant in my life . I love also the seaside ; just laying on the hot sand and gulping down the love of my life . The heat made me drunker . Everything I looked at became blurry . I noticed something approaching me from the sea . It seemed to be a very beautiful half naked lady . I gave her a good look and my bottle of joy . " I 'll give anything else except this ! " the man said pointing at his bottle . But the women kept begging him to give her some . The man started losing his patience , and tried to get up . It was a bit difficult to maintain his balance and think clear . " I can 't Sir , I 'm not allowed to leave the water . I don 't have a feet like you . Only to move in the sea , not on land . Please give me some . " Her head cracked open ; blood was gushing out . The man panicked and carried her to land . The man was shocked to see that this woman was a mermaid not human . He listened to her heart , which was faint . The woman told him in a weak voice : " What 've you done to me is unforgivable . You better listen well and follow what I say . Take me back home , but you can 't go by any means of transport except walking . Where you should bury me , it will take you 3 weeks to get there by foot . Becareful not to follow ; what I say . And when you go back home . Don 't be surprised if you 're entire family and relatives perish one by one ! ! " My drunkness cleared up quick as I thought it would . I slowly picked her up and carried her on my shoulders . I left right away ; not evening telling my family where I was going . The journey wasn 't easy , and I had to go through alot of obstacles . The smell of the corpse was unbearable . The amazing part was that no one had noticed what I was bringing . After a few weeks , I finally arrived at the place , and buried the dead mermaid . There 's nothing left to do , just go back home . Weeks passed and the mermaid 's curse did occur . All of my family and relatives died one by one without a cause . At the end I was the only one left . I tried to have girlfriends but it didn 't work . I learned my lesson in life : you need to think before reacting ! ! " The only thing I can do now is crouch near my family 's graves weeping . Watch my tears fall on the ground and ask them to forgive me , for my stupidness and not being a role model as a husband and father . Sep28 As I lay on my bed , glaring out the window in how suddenly the weather can change . This morning , when I opened it up to let some fresh air enter my bedroom . It seemed to be such a lovely weather . The sky was blue and the sun shining so brightly . Now , all I see , is the gray sky and a downpour . " Ouch ! There it goes again . Always annoying me , practically driving me out of my mind . I can 't do anything about it , now that this " thing " is a part of me now . I have to accept it as a friend even though it 's my greatest enemy . " Ok ! Ok ! , I get your point , just stay still . I 'll get you something to eat later . " For a single guy like me , I already have two mouths to feed , which isn 't an easy job . I can 't work hard and earn alot like I used to because I don 't have the energy and the will anymore . I was a very skilled business man . Actually , I did my own business about selling precious gemstones . Now , I lost alot of money and almost half bankrupt . Since this incident occured , my life never been the same again . There 's no choice left then to be this " Thing 's " slave . Always making sure to satisfy it 's needs . So if I don 't it will cost me my life . I 'm too young to die , even if my wonderful future already blowed up in my face . How can I forget that day , when I rosed above higher than the seventh heaven and fell down ending up at the bottom pit of hell . Yes , Damien Mino was the man on top of the world . Well - known as Mr . Good - looking , intelligent , athletic , wealthy , and famous . All of that just vanished in a wink of an eye . Retelling my story to people really worns me out . The only reason I do it is just to warn other naive fools like me . I 'm a fanatic about music , especially going to those kind of places where they play music so loud . I always go to the night clubs on the Terrific Friday . Here , we call our Fridays that because , most people need to find a way to relax after a long and hard work days . I like sitting at the bar stool and , watching those young women trying hard to move e " Hi there , my name is Damien , is there anyone sitting here ? " he asked the young pretty lady . There was something about that girl . She seemed kind of distant but very charming . As for my job , I travel around alot in my country Madagascar . Vohemar is my favourite place to visit . The landscape is breathlessly amazing . The people are very nice and communicative . " What 's your name ? You look pretty young to be here . " Aline agreed and they left the nightclub . I didn 't take Aline back to her place , right away , so we decided to go to a little hotel near by . We were tearing each others clothes off . I never seen such a sexy naked body . My body started to tingle all over . I was so hard , that I was afraid I might hurt this girl . We layed on the bed . At my surprise , she was on top of me before I knew it . Wow the girl was riding on me , I felt like the happiest man horse in the world . I told her to slow down , but she kept moving faster . I was so thrilled , I didn 't know what to do . What a sensation . I couldn 't move for awhile , I thought I died of pleasure . " Take me back with you . " Aline said lying by my side . " Damien , you can 't just leave like that . My boy friend is a very jealous type . So he put a " Fiandry " on me . Aline yelled after him . " Shut up , you 're just trying to scare me with that bullshit . " After a day , I did notice that something was changing in my body . One morning , as I layed on my bed , I saw something move under the covers . I was afraid to look but I had no choice . My " male pride " turned into a snake . Yes , the " thing " started to bite my thighs . I totally freaked out . I heard of other guys victims of these kind of things . But I never thought it would be me . I ordered food to feed it . It took awhile for the order to come . The penisnake was getting nasty , I guess it was starved . I got dressed quickly and went to back to the nightclub , where I met the girl . Asking the guardian wasn 't a big help . He just told me that , I might find her at the market . It wasn 't really a big place , so everyone practically knew each other . The guy who must be her boy friend , just laughed and sayed : " That will teach you a lesson not to mess with my girl . " " How much do you want ? Take this gruesome thing away from me . " The girl kept silent but looked very pleased at my sorrow . I had to do something , and the first thing was to go to any " Mpimasy " to heal me . Someone at the market told me about Ramahatoko , the famous mpimasy who knows how to heal those kind of witchcraft . The man 's house was dark and spooky . He was sitting on the floor and playing with some kinds things that look like beans and chanting something . He just stared at me and said : I can 't help you . " I knew what he was waiting for and I took some money out of my pocket and gave it to him . I sat on the floor next to him , waiting for what will happen next . " You only have to follow what I say and you 'll be healed . " " You have to choose between these two things : give me all of your fortune . I mean everything you have . You can 't take nothing with you and you 'll become a homeless person . All the people , you know will recognize you . You will be humiliated in society . You 'll be digging through trash to find your food . Or you live with that thing for the rest of your life until it eats you alive . " Rahamahatoko said to the desperate man . I just walked out the door in silence . I can 't imagine myself living in such poverty . Especially to be an outcast for my friends and society . I never saw Aline and her boy friend anymore . I had no choice but to go back home and live my miserable life . I 've been with " Penisnake " it 's the name I gave it ; for months now . It became my pet and just another part of me . I can 't live a normal life anymore , so just Penisnake and I living together until death do us apart . Sep25 My job allows me to travel alot , especially around my beloved country Madagascar . It 's not great to leave my family behind , but I have no choice . We were just a group of 6 people , heading towards a pretty far countryside , near Mananjary . " You don 't have a choice , i 'm sure there 's a village near by . Come on , before it gets late . We better go look for help . " the driver told them . Everyone obediently left the car and started walking , until they found a little village . The village people didn 't look happy to see these bunch of strangers coming towards them . It was a good thing that José knew their dialect , so it kind of relaxed them . They had been traveling since 6 am in the morning , and felt worned out . There weren 't any hotels there , so they had to stay in the village people 's homes . The weather was unbearably hot . The little huts infested with little blood sucking insects like ticks . Nina wanted to leave right away , wishing that she was back home in her comfortable home . It was sad to see such poverty . The village had to walk far to fetch water to drink in a little lake . At the same time , their zebus go there to drink and piss . Women also wash their laundries in the same water . " Nina , come here , I want to tell you something . I think we came during a bad moment . The woman huddling near the door , just lost her husband . " " I know , as you see this woman is very poor . It a great humiliation to be very poor and have someone die in your family . No one cares about you . Even your family members don 't want to bury you themselves . " José explained . They went inside the woman 's house and saw her dead husband lying on a mat on the floor . Just a few people surrounded him . No one was crying , just staring at him . A man told them not to sit near the door . So Nina and José took a place in the corner . After several minutes , the dead body started to move . Nina thought that her eyes were playing tricks on her . Suddenly , the dead man was in a sitting position . José knew that Nina was about to freak out . He held her hands to comfort her and told her to keep quiet and just watch . Another man handed the dead man a shovel . Before , they knew it the corpse was running out the door with the shovel . The other people just ran after it and shouting . It wasn 't easy trying to catch up with them . By the time they got to the grave yard , the dead man was digging his own grave . It didn 't take him that long . After it was done , he dropped the shovel and fell into the hole . That was when the other village people covered the hole with land . " Before , you say anything Nina . Let me explain to you that what you witnessed is their custom . Especially when a very poor person dies . They have to bury themselves . None of their families wants to bury them . " " But , José , as his wife told us that her husband has been dead more than three days . How can he come back alive again and dig his own grave ! ! That 's impossible " |
This is a story that looks in to psychic phenomena . It encompasses issues of an extremely violent nature and may be disturbing to some people . It also includes " obscene language " and sexual content , now if that 's not got you interested I don 't know what will . It 's a little slow in the beginning but picks up as it goes along , one day I 'll re - write it . I lived in Fulham , London , from 1985 to 2006 , and think of it as home even though I wasn 't brought up there . My grandparents on my mother 's side were both from large families that had lived there for quite a few decades from the mid to late 1800 's . So it 's little wonder that this story takes place there . Munster Road is an old lane that cuts from north to south through part of Fulham . It 's not particularly attractive now , though at one time it had been tree lined and surrounded by farms and orchards . Now it has rows of shops or terraced houses flanking both sides . If it hadn 't been for the sun it would have looked dour but now it felt hard and homely , as many London streets do . It 's a bright hot day , the light is intense . A plastic - blue awning overhangs a newsagent 's at the top end of Munster Road . The place is empty , empty as a forgotten siesta sleep . Just before it happened I was serving a man , my daughter asked me to help her , so I asked the customer if he wanted anything else , but he didn 't . Just after he walked out I heard screaming . I grabbed my phone and ran outside . I have driven this route a few times but it 's not my regular one . Anyway , this old lady , I mean , senior citizen had got on earlier , and then she got on again on Fulham Palace Road , so I remembered her . She was very smiley , very friendly . I stopped to let her off , and had to wait a minute , but it was ok , she was very polite , kept saying " Sorry everyone " . She then started to list her ailments , and I thought " ' ere we go " . For me when term ends I get a break and because most people have gone away I feel pretty much on holiday in my own back yard . It felt more like 1971 than 2001 . I put on my green summer hat and took a walk to the newsagent 's to get a paper . I was deferring important tasks , I think some people call this displacement activity . I really didn 't want to read , or write , or do anything that I should be doing . I just wanted to " chill out " . I have lived around here for over 30 years now , but I 've never chatted to the man in the newsagent 's , he doesn 't really know what paper I buy , well he always makes me ask for it so I imagine he doesn 't know . I mean it 's obvious there 's a community around here but I 'm still pretty much an outsider . I reckon my clothes , my beard , my house all say " outsider " . I think the man is Indian or Pakistani , but he is definitely part of the community . I took the paper and passed him the money . It was exact for a change . I 'd like to be efficient , but actually , surprise , surprise , I 'm not . Anyhow he thanked me then said something in Guajarati , or whatever it was , to his daughter and for a second I was a bit confused and probably stood there a bit too long . He asked if I wanted anything else , I said no and went to walk out . As I turned around there was a screech from of a bus pulling which actually made me jump a bit . The red bus was reflected in the floor tiles , it looked like a mosaic which kind of caught me a bit . I walked out of the shop and the sun was so bright it blinded me so I pulled down the rim of my hat , but even just looking at the ground hurt . There was an old woman was getting off the bus . I could hear her but couldn 't really see what was going on . She was thanking the driver and apologising for taking so long . I heard the doors close but the bus didn 't pull away . I could see the driver was looking in to his wing mirror , like he was checking everything was alright or seeing if anyone was running for the bus . I looked across to the woman and for a moment caught her eye . She looked at me and smiled . She was carrying several bags of shopping and dealing with her walking stick . I felt I should offer to help her , but this is London , and to do something like that would be seen as strange , so I just walked on . I must have walked about 6 steps , maybe just passing the front of the bus when I heard her say . " Oh my God . Make him stop , make him stop . " I looked around to see a man standing next to her holding a knife . She turned her back to him and he stabbed her once in the back and then in the neck . She started to turn around again , her arms moved up a little , her bags fell to the ground , and then she pulled at her clothes , saying " Look he 's stabbed me " as if she was trying to show me and see for herself , only she couldn 't pull the clothes up . The man then turned towards me , and walking , almost loping , in a way that seemed too slow , he approached me . I froze , I obviously thought he might stab me too , his eyes were open but you could tell he was in a world of his own , as if he couldn 't actually see me . Then he slowly walked off . It was bizarre . The woman 's voice broke the silence . " Somebody , please help me , I need to get back to my husband , he 'll be worried . " From the neck down she was covered in blood . I knew something was wrong and had grabbed the phone , but I really wasn 't prepared for what I saw next . There was a man who had grabbed my chair from outside and was getting an elderly woman to sit on it , she was covered in blood , and I could see she was looking very worried . I didn 't realise she 'd been stabbed at first , I thought for a minute she 'd burst a blood vessel . I dialled 999 , which got answered immediately and they asked what service I wanted . I don 't know why they don 't have several other numbers as well as 999 , that way you could dial 991 for an ambulance or 992 for the police and so on , it really wouldn 't take much setting up , it seems such a waste of valuable time . Then , then they start telling someone else your number , I mean how stupid is that , we all know that can be done electronically . By the time you actually get through you need an ambulance to deal with the stress you 're feeling , sorry I go on a bit when it comes to such stupidity . Of course I told them where we were , and that there was a woman bleeding . The other man said to tell them she 'd been stabbed . When he said that the woman looked shocked , like she didn 't know and made a move to stand up . He asked me to ask them what to do and they said we should try to lay her down , make her more comfortable and if possible apply pressure to the wounds . I shouted for my daughter to bring out her coat . I asked one of the men watching if I could have his jacket , but he nodded no and walked away . How could anyone be like that ? I had tried to look in the mirror but the man had his back to me and blocked my view . I heard a muffled noise and saw the man slowly walk away . I saw another man wearing a green hat standing just ahead of the bus looking back at the woman so I knew something was up and then the other man walked right past him . At that point I thought that maybe the woman had hurt herself getting off the bus and thought " that 's all I need ! " so I waited a second because I didn 't want to have to get out the cabin if it wasn 't necessary . Now of course I wish I 'd got out quicker and chased after the man but that 's easy to say now right ? We don 't look at every camera every minute of the day , and it was only after we got the emergency call that we looked at what was going on , and even then we were about 5 minutes behind . So when we looked back at the footage it was obvious something had happened but it wasn 't very clear . We got some ok shots of the alleged attacker , but they 're not that good . She was conscious but confused , blood was oozing continuously from her neck down her body . I don 't think we realised she 'd been stabbed as many times as she had . I thought there was only a couple of wounds but it turned out there were 7 all in all . The shopkeeper tried to help by adding " They won 't take long , the hospital 's only round the corner . They 're on their way . They 're saying we need to lie her down , make her comfortable and apply pressure to the wounds to slow down the bleeding " I took off my hat , and pushed it to the wound on her chest , she winced , the blood was warm , making the cloth stick to my fingers . I pushed where it was wettest . The shop keeper pressed his T - shirt against her neck wound . The woman 's breathing got faster , I looked at the shop keeper , the phone pushed to his ear by his shoulder . " I think you need to tell them to hurry this is serious . " he shouts to the operator . Then someone knelt beside me . " It 's ok I 'm a doctor " . He put his fingers to her neck then his face near to hers . " This isn 't looking good , I take it the ambulance is on its way ? " The shopkeeper passed the phone to the Doctor . He was giving instructions , but I didn 't hear him properly . I suddenly felt as if I was in a silent bubble . " It 's ok sir , we 'll take over now . " I look round to see a green uniformed paramedic . I slid my hand from the wound but the material followed me for a moment . " Shall I leave that there ? " I asked . My hand was covered in blood . I stood up , stepped backwards and became one of the on - lookers . The ambulance men carefully dealt with the woman and then she was taken away . One of the nurses from the doctor 's surgery invited some of us in to the surgery so we could get cleaned up and give our details to the police . It turned out the doctor is my GP , but we 've never met and even then he didn 't have time to chat . My paper 's front page had spots of blood on it , but I take it with me . It 's probably meant to be kept as evidence but , well I decided to keep it . When I got home I made a cup of tea but as I picked up the cup I started to shake . I couldn 't stop shaking . I know that it was shock , but there was nothing I could do to alleviate it . I want to know how the woman is . I imagine the police will tell me when they come for my statement . I was shaking still , but I was numb , I was struck by how shaken I was and couldn 't quite understand which of the many facets of this experience had frightened me so much . Most of our work is routine and a lot is about filling out forms , but occasionally we get cases which really motivate us , like this one . This person has attacked a defenceless old woman and it 's our job to stop him before he does it again . It feels like a race against time , it feels meaningful . Of course our approach is still methodical and full of paperwork but it 's worthwhile so we just get on with it . I am just about to interview one of the witnesses , in fact apparently he 's the only one who clearly saw the stabbing so it 's imperative we get him on our side . Without him we might not have a case if this ever gets to court . Ok we 're here . " Don 't worry , you 're not alone . You 'd be surprised lots of people in therapy find it hard to be really honest . " [ I laugh ] " I remember hearing a radio 4 play where someone said they thought the worst thing you could do to a therapist was not tell them the truth , but then they found out that in fact the worst thing was not paying the bill " " She 's seriously ill , it 's hard to tell . My experience with old people is that often they surprise you , just when you think they 're not going to make it , their survival instinct kicks in . Unless of course one of those charity lot with a clip board has just got them to sign away all your long waited for legacy , then of course they 'll probably die " [ Laughs ] . Most therapists need another therapist to off load to . So even though David has been working for over 25 years as a therapist he too has someone to help him deal with the occasional difficulties life has to offer . I have seen David for around 12 years and after his wife , Alex , died a few years ago he 's been to see more regularly . After I 'm told of the events I 'm not surprised , and wonder what issues this brings up for him . It 's an irony of therapy that by focusing on one 's own needs we become more helpful to others , so initially there 's often a feeling of guilt when revealing the anxieties that such an incident brings up given we weren 't the direct victim . David knows this and in the initial avalanche of ideas , I have to be wary of what isn 't said , what is unconscious . It 's a complicated dance , because both of us are trying to be honest but the psyche isn 't so naturally open . It 's like being an archaeologist , but my co - worker is the rock and earth , offering up items , but quietly , unknowingly , directing me away from the main objects that wants to be kept hidden . " Yes I was touched by that , it made her very human . But the attack , that 's what 's really got to me . It broke all the rules , I don 't believe in evil , but it felt like I came up against real evil . I think it 's touched something prime - evil in me , excuse the pun . " " Ah . I suppose , in terms of " entities " one has to be open minded and cynical simultaneously . You 've just reminded me of the moment in Lord of the flies when Piggy says something about machines not working if there were such things as ghosts . Perhaps if there are ghosts then een thy 'd have reasons just as live people do to act in an " evil " way . " It 's been three days since the attack . Today I feel shattered , and go to bed early . I set the clock radio to come on at 7 am , it 's still light outside . I lie down . I feel so heavy and fall in to sleep almost immediately . I am in darkness , but my hand is touching skin . I know it 's the side of a woman 's body . I run my hand up to her breast , want to run my hand in to the cup of her armpit , I want her scent on me , I run my hand down again . As I approach her hips I move my hand forward , I want to feel the warmth between her legs . I wake suddenly . It 's dark . The time is 1 : 11 . I wish I hadn 't woken then , I want to go back to the woman in the dream . Then I realise it wasn 't Alex and I 'm filled with shame . I am standing in the shadows of an old building . It 's cold and very dark . There is sadness here . I hear harsh whispered words from a door way down the corridor . I move across so I can see better . The whole scene is grey and unclear . A teenage girl is kneeling on the floor , she 's in a white night gown . She is shaking . Standing next to her is a nun . " You should be thankful , but instead you lie and cheat and cause rebellion . Did you think you could win , you stupid girl . Now put your hand on the door frame " She puts her hand to the door frame . Looks up at the nun , who slams the door hard upon her fingers . The girl screams and I wake up . I am breathing fast and sweating , I need to pee but I am too exhausted to get up . I close my eyes . I can still see the girl looking , the defiance in her eyes . I am touched by her bravery . I have been lying strangely , too much pressure on my side . I feel vomit coming up . I retch for a second , open my eyes and see a woman pass the doorway , she looks startled and looks at me . I move quickly enough to stop my self from vomiting . I know I 've just hallucinated but I get up anyway . I go to the doorway where I saw the woman , I am not scared . There 's no one there . I go to the loo then come back to bed . I 'm watching a woman and man caressing . They start to kiss . She touches his face , but where she touches him she leaves a trail of blood . I feel the warm wet feeling on my face . I can 't breath . I wake up . The clock flickers 6 : 06 , then 6 : 66 and then back to 6 : 06 . I am not scared . I know I am still dreaming . I close my eyes . I can see orange light through my eye lids , I try to open my eyes but I can 't . I try to raise my arm to open my eyes but I can 't move my arm , it feel like it is weighted down . I realise I have woken but my body is still asleep . At first I worry I might be dying , that I will stay like this until I stop breathing , but I am breathing so I relax and let myself drift back to sleep . When I wake up , I feel restless . I feel alone . I am jumpy . I keep thinking I can hear someone approaching me from behind . I need to get out so I take a walk to the riverside . It 's another bright day . People are running , cycling , and roller blading along the path . This is the biggest community of non communion . There 's a walled Garden behind Fulham Palace , most people who go in to the main garden don 't notice it . I make my way there , the place feels empty . There might be others nearby but the grass is long , so if they 're laying down they can 't be seen / I sit down on a bench near the old dilapidated green houses , there 's a herb garden here from the 1800s still . I come here a lot and there 's often a black cat that comes up to me . Today it slinks up to me . I make birdy type noises by sucking my lips and put my fingers out for it to sniff , then it jumps up on my lap and lets me stroke her or possibly him . Normally about halfway through I tend to get this horrible feeling that it 's got fleas . " I lost my husband over 10 years ago , but I still talk to him . Even after I 've been out picking up sex objects " She laughs . " Although he tends to give me a bit of the silent treatment if I do " " That 's old hat . M theory tries to unify the 5 main String Theories . Of course I don 't understand a word of it really but it was worth it to see the look on your face " We shake hands and she goes . The cat follows her . I sit alone for a while then wonder home . I want to read about M - Theory . I have spent a lot of the afternoon on the Internet reading about M and String Theory . It 's way too hard for me to understand , let alone try to explain but the upshot of it is this . Strings of energy pervade our universe , and different types of energy make up the universe . We work in 4 dimensions , left , and right , up and down , forward and back , and the fourth dimension is time . String theory presents another 7 dimensions . Ultimately as far as I 'm concerned it offers a possible understanding that what we perceive as psychic phenomena may be explained one day in terms of different dimensions of energies rubbing up against each other . I even came across a theory of " retro - causality " which suggests that some particles may move backwards through time . So what did I conclude from my misspent afternoon ? I concluded that Science is a belief system , and in its own way it contradicts my idea of reality just as much as religion does , only Science is suposed to continually question and re - evaluate itself , where as religions tend to kill people who question the belief system . That might not be totally fair of me but it 's what I tend to have seen throughout history and even on the News generally . Where does magic end and science begin ? If something can 't be repeated in a controlled environment it 's not proven scientifically . It doesn 't mean it isn 't true , it 's just not proven . When I went to sleep last night I dreamt the woman in the park , Shirley , told me to try a chant , which she then demonstrated to me , and said " if you do it whilst reaching in to a mirror your hand will pass through the glass " . I can 't believe that when I woke up I tried it and of course nothing happened . I felt foolish , but then I realised how taken I am with this " new world " . I 'm hungry for proof , or even to disprove it . " I did what I had to do . I was too hard on the girl that 's true , but it didn 't warrant murder and suicide . Don 't try to make me responsible for another 's actions I have enough to deal with dealing with my own . At the end of the day , we blame God for everything . They say that God forgives all , but maybe we all have to forgive God to make a difference . " The cat jumps on my lap . I wake up to find I have fallen asleep with the PC on my lap . There is no cat here . I decide to download a map of this area and sure enough I find my house was built on an orchard . I am still conscious . I 'm not sure if I 'm alive still . I feel like I 'm in a bag , wrapped in a membrane . I can 't see properly , flashes of bright orange . I can 't move , I can 't feel my body . I am not aware of myself physically . I know I 'm dying . I 've been dying for a long time . I 'm almost relieved death is upon me . My house is in order . I am thankful for that . I am waiting . I have come to accept death . I am worried for David , I know he will miss me , and I am so , so sad that this will hurt him . We have spoken , of course we have spoken , we are therapists . We have been honest with each other . I have genuinely told him that I want him to move on , and have told him that deep down I want him to never find anyone else . I know that 's not fair , but if we are honest we both want both things . We are driven by dreams of pure love . Death is all around me . I have become aware of something , a feeling in myself . I want to find out more . I go to the library , I could have just gone on - line , but I like the atmosphere here . It 's silent but full of life . I find a purple paperback on the history of Para - Psychology . Normally I 'd think that anyone looking at this stuff was probably going a bit mad , and I wonder if I am too , but I feel it can 't hurt to start reading up on the subject . I manage to get through half of the book before the library closes . What had caught my attention in particular in the book was how people had found that inducing a trance like state seemed to simulate a more sensitive awareness . The Mesmerists had applied of a form of healing in the 1800s , which on the outside looked a bit like today 's " psychic - healers " , especially in the way they passed their hands over the subject without touching them . In time some " patients " seemed to start talking about things that they apparently shouldn 't have known about and these people became known as " sensitives " . A popular interest grew regarding these people and from this stemmed " spiritualism " . In mainstream medicine an interest in Mesmerism developed in to the study of hypnosis . As you can imagine I was captivated by all of this . So when I walked across the road from the library and noticed a shopfront that until now had completely evaded my attention , I was startled to find that " psychic - healing " was on offer . The organisation was way out there as far as I was concerned . In the shop window were photographs of UFOs , and the leader of the organisation was photographed in a white Doctor 's coat along with a statement I found very hard to read let alone take on board . However given what I was just reading about was on offer I walked in to enquire further . An attractive woman in her 50s dressed in a white " Medical " uniform greeted me . I asked if it was possible to have a healing session . She looked through her book , said there was an available slot in half an hours time so I went to a café and came back as requested . The same woman took me to a desk where she asked why I 'd come . I told her that I had lost my wife and was looking for some solace , it was a half truth . She told me that in a few minutes I would be taken downstairs , sat down on a chair , and a woman would then approach me . I wasn 't to speak to her . She would then pass her hands over me but not touch me . At the end of the process she would let me know and I should then come back upstairs , where if I felt I needed a warm drink I would be given a cup of tea . A bell rang and I was directed downstairs , at the bottom of the stairs was a dimly lit room , a chair , a thin bespectacled woman in her 50 's , a photograph of the group 's leader and a few framed documents on the wall . I went to the chair and sat down . The woman said if I wanted to close my eyes that that might help but it was up to me . I kept my eyes open . She then started to pass her hands down each side of my body without touching me , and then did the same down my face , down my back and down my legs . I could feel the warmth of her body , her breath , and her hands but didn 't feel any strong heat as you so often hear about . Occasionally she 'd make a movement like she was throwing away something she had grabbed from my body . I tried to keep my focus on her , on what was gong on , but I suddenly found myself " imagining " that I was shooting out of my body so high that London looked like a satellite image , and then moving very fast to the North of Britain . It was if I was being shown a house . I looked at it intensely for a moment , then I was being " transported " to Robert 's House . I felt as if I was standing in his hallway so I called out to him , but there was no reply . I then found I was seeing images , a bit like images in a Comic , of a plane crashing in bay . When I " woke up " I had tear drops streaming down my face . As soon as I got upstairs , fearing I might be slipped something in the tea I thanked them then made my way home . As I walked I switched my mobile phone back on , I don 't think it 's ok to use a phone in the library even if so many people do nowadays . A message bleep sounded so I called my voice mail . " David , it 's Robert . You didn 't pop in earlier and shout through the letter box to me did you ? I came down but no one was at the front door . Anyway if you could let me know I 'd be grateful . Thank you . " I phoned him immediately but I went straight through to his voicemail . " Hi Robert , I wasn 't at your place . Well not physically . You 're not going to believe this " and so I relayed the basics of what had happened . I arrived at about 4 . 50 , I rang the bell , the electronic door opened and I went in to the little waiting room . The room was pretty much a lobby . It had two chairs , a lamp and several bookcases . I tool a book from the shelf , opened it and the page it opened on had a sheet of paper in it . It was a later from Anita , Roberts late wife . I read several lines which thanked Robert for all the care he had given her . I didn 't want to pry - even if a part of me did - so I took the sheet out and read a page from the book . I lay down on the couch . " Robert , before we start , I need to give you this . " I passed him the letter . " I found it in the book about the Thames " Then the bay and the plane crash . Anita had always wanted to visit the Islands of St Kilda , the Scottish group of Islands , and after we knew she was ill I managed to arrange for her to visit the place . It 's famous because in the 30 's the population was evacuated after living there for hundreds if not thousands of years pretty much cut off from the mainland . Have you heard of it ? " " Anyway , there 's a propeller memorial there , so obviously that seemed a bit of a strange coincidence . I don 't know what to make of the place in the north of Britain . Do you know where it was ? " He passes me a note pad and pen . I draw out the house , the road next to it , the tree line , some trees in the garden , the path and a small cartoon like image of the neighbour . I then pass it to him . He 's quiet for about 30 seconds " This looks incredibly like the house Anita lived in when I first met her , even down to the strange looking neighbour . You know this is all very strange . What do you make of it ? " " I really have no idea . I 've been reading a bit about M - theory and String Theory and you 're right it is hard to understand , but what if what 's happening isn 't just coincidence , maybe it isn 't just you and I joining up the dots . What if there is some scientific reality to " psychic " phenomenon ? " " You know David , normally I 'd be very dismissive of something like this , but because this seems to relate to me I can 't just ignore this . I mean even the fact that you 've just found this letter all seems to fit in . I 'm sorry but I am going to read it now if you don 't mind . " I felt exhausted , detached , excited and a bit high . I went home and didn 't know what to make of the day . I lay down and left the land of the living for a while . There 's a moment when I wake up , when I know I feel ok . What I mean is I don 't feel much . Then I feel a sense of dread . It 's a fear , or sadness , a kind of heaviness to my body and a tightness in my gut and throat . It 's the mark of death , the mark of loss , the mark of grief . I get out of bed and make it immediately . Get showered , shaved and dressed . I am on holiday but today one of my clients had asked for an emergency session . I have time for a quick breakfast , Honey Nut Cornflakes - don 't know why they advertise these , they sell themselves - It 's 8 . 50 , I put on the TV , watch News 24 and wait for the bell to ring . It 's 8 . 58 and it rings . Lucie is 32 , her sister committed suicide a few years ago and now she feels she will do the same . She has been compulsively thinking about it , she is obsessed with killing herself . She lies down on the couch , and cries . I pass her a box of tissues , she tries to say " thank you " but can not speak clearly " I 'm sorry , I 'll be able to speak in a minute " She laughs through her tears . " You said that my jealous fantasies were symbolic yeah ? That I was sensing that he didn 't really care for me , yeah ? That I was seeing infidelity in sexual terms , but the infidelity was me transposing his lack of love for me in to a desire for somebody else . That right Doctor ? " " Because you 're wrong ! Wrong , wrong , wrong ! And if you 're wrong about that then you 're probably just feeding me bullshit , taking me for a ride , I 'm upset because you 're the same as all the others . You don 't care , you all pretend you know , but really you know nothing " I walk to the front door , look through the spy hole , there is no one . I carefully open the door . Still no one is in sight . I step out on to the pavement , scan up and down the street . " Do you not find it interesting that your feelings are so strong , that you feel so let down ? Do you not wonder how much of this is transferred feelings from your experiences of others on to me ? Isn 't this why we 're here , to understand that you bring powerful feelings to relationships ? " " I don 't know , I don 't know what to make of this . I really don 't trust you . What kind of relationship can you have if there 's no trust ? " " Well we may have to agree to disagree on this point . But being wrong is a normal activity for most people . I 've never said I was right . " " I was in my house , and I went down in to the basement and discovered another part of my house . I mean they were big rooms . They needed working on , but I wanted to let my friends use the rooms . I was really excited , but I knew that one of the rooms had been used in the past for executions and on the wall was written I dream of big red aeroplanes , like massive busses , hovering in the sky over London . Some turn upside down and crash . I wake with a start . It 's almost Midday . I look down to see a moth on my stomach , I am startled and bat it away . There is a mark on my shirt from the moth , but it seems ok as it flies off . People imagine therapists to be certain types of people , but in my experience they are a pretty varied bunch . I say that because I certainly don 't think of myself as typical . My background wasn 't particularly middle class . I travelled extensively before studying and my interest in psychotherapy came my touches with Eastern religions . Many aspects of Buddhism seem to run parallel with therapeutic ideology and so it was that I was drawn in to helping others through therapy . I always felt there was a purpose to my life . But the bang on my door was almost like a Buddhist gong that sounded to mark a change , an end , a warning . I decided that either as a way of helping me centre myself or to try to develop my psychic " abilities " that I would spend time meditating each day . At first it was pretty much run of the mill . Time would pass very quickly , what felt like half an hour was actually 2 hours but after a week or so I started to feel I was having out of body experiences . Nothing particularly made me feel that it was anything more than my imagination . It is raining , summer rain , warm and heavy . I am stuck in doors and I don 't want to study or write . I sit on the floor crossed legged and start to breathe slowly . I count 1 as I breathe in and 2 as I breathe out . I focus my eyes on the ceiling corner . I am in a dark space , I see Alex is in a clear plastic body bag . I look for the zip , but there isn 't one . I try to tear it open but I can 't . I try to look through the plastic . I think I see her move so I pick her up and put her over my shoulder . I fall backwards as I hit the ground it gives way and we fall into a newly dug grave . I start to cry " I 'm sorry " . Alex 's hand pushes up to the plastic in front of her face . I wake . I am laying on my back . I am immediately filled with dread as I realise I 've been dreaming . I open my eyes only to find my eye sockets have filled with tear drops and I am looking through a pool of tears at the light fitting in the ceiling . I sit up and I am filled with her loss . I try to meditate again but I can 't stop thinking about the dream . It felt so real . Everyday for a week I tried to meditate but the expectation of re - dreaming the connection between Alex and I stopped me . I became alert , typed in the number to hear who 'd called , but it said the number was unavailable . I thought that it was probably someone playing a joke or maybe yet another client who was unhappy with my service . I put the phone down , realised I was cold , closed the window and went downstairs to make a hot drink . I put the kettle on , sat at the table , put my head in my hands and thought about the call . I didn 't recognise the voice , I couldn 't make head nor tail of it . I looked up and at the window I could see a finger drawing on the glass . My heart began to pound , I stood up and stepped backwards , knocking over the chair , the sound of it crashing to the floor startled me further . The finger was still pressed up against the glass . I walked slowly to the door to the garden . The finger seemed to drop away from the glass in to the darkness . I looked through the window before opening the door . I couldn 't see anything . I grabbed my torch , opened the door and scoured my yard . I could see nothing untoward . I looked at the glass , the top of a flower wavered below the picture , perhaps it was that which I saw , but if that was so then it had still managed to draw what looked like a heart . As I looked through the fading heart shaped image I saw movement . I looked at my reflection in the glass panel of the door and for a moment it wasn 't my own face looking back at me . I went cold with fear and stepped back looked towards the knife rack then back at the window , this time it was my face only . I decided to protect rather than confront . I put my face to the glass to see if I could see anything and slowly drew the extra bolt across the door . In the lower part of my peripheral vision I could see something touch my chest . I looked down to see five wasps upon my chest . I slowly picked up the knife again and as I went to scrape them from myself they fell to the floor , motionless . I was well aware that something was wrong . This was either a bad dream , I was gong off my head , or something strange was occurring . I tried to keep calm but of course there 's always an element of fear . I had tried to face my fears throughout my life and decided to check every room , to look out the front and the back of the house , to check the phone line , to finish making my drink . I did all of the above then went back to bed . I thought I would restlessly toss and turn for the rest of the night but I didn 't . I lay down and that was the last thing I remember . " Mmmmm not sure really . Something that defies the laws of physics , that can be controlled by another human or an entity of some kind ? " She answers . Then she asks me " Do you believe in magic ? " " Who to ? You ? And when I prove it to you , can we repeat it at will , can we be tested , repeatedly ? If not , does that make it unproven . " I wake . I am standing naked in the kitchen . It is light , I am extremely cold . My finger is touching the ghost of the heart on the glass . I am wondering if I am mad , or am I becoming more aware . I vow to try to find the woman in the park to see if she can shed any light on the matter . I take it she can 't , I will approach with caution , because this may after all be just a dream . I run a warm bath . I am shivering and get in to the water as soon as it can cover my feet . I need to warm up . I lie down in the water and feel it gently raising up my sides . Once it covers my body I allow hotter water in to slowly raise my temperature . Eventually I am warm again . I turn off the taps and wait . I am waiting for the moment when I will decide to get out . It 's a moment I am always fascinated by , what influences me to get out of the bath ? Is it the temperature of the water ? The wrinkliness of my fingers , boredom , curiosity , guilt ? Such a simple thing yet so many variables ? This time though it 's the feeling that someone is standing behind me that makes me get out . I get the feeling , I try to look but my neck is stiff . It feels like a woman is there . I panic and tumble out of the bath . By the time I look there is no one there and the feeling has gone . I know there was someone there though , I don 't feel mad , or delusional , hold on , well I accept I maybe mad and deluded but I want to be able to understand how to see more , to get to know what 's going on . I am driven by a need for the truth . It is the shared passion of artists , philosophers , scientists , lovers and the dying . I pick up my towel and dry myself , I am agitated . I feel the presence still . I don 't feel threatened , more nervous than anything . I am waiting for something to happen . Slight creeks make me jump a little but I look and see nothing . I decide that I will have to be more proactive . After I have dressed I go back to the kitchen to make a coffee . I fancy an egg on toast too . I look in the fridge and there 's no bread . I will have the coffee then go to the shops . I decide to take a photograph of the drawing on the glass but when I look at it it 's now a tree , well more like a trunk that was added to a heart shaped tree top . I check the photo has come out ok , drink my coffee and wonder what the hell my life is coming to . I would call Robert but I 'm worried I 'd be carted away and not be able to continue my research . I don 't feel like I 'm a danger to myself or others at this point but I 'll keep this quiet for now . Maybe it 's just the fact that we let others know our crazy thoughts that defines who is mad and who isn 't , well at least in the eyes of society . If you 're devious enough to hide it , you maybe mad but you 're not quite on the lowest run . In fact you 're probably seen to a degree of being a genius . Shit I 'm laughing to myself . Maybe I am mad . My day follows its set path . Shops , shopping , café - negates original reason for shopping - , go home , put shopping away , grab a book , go to the park , it 's hot , so I go to sleep in the long grass . Don 't see Shirley . Come home . So much for the great leap forward . I will try to meditate later though . I am in my house . The lights won 't work . There is someone on the street who wants to find me . They don 't know I 'm in the house . I can see their shadow on the glass . I know if they get in there won 't be any escape . I am near the door way to the front room . If I get to the cellar I think I 'll be safer . I slide my body out of the front room towards the kitchen , towards the stairs to the cellar . I hear the letterbox open . I become still . Stillness is the best camouflage - a soldier once told me that - . I do not breathe . I don 't think the viewer has seen me . The letter box closes slowly . I continue to stay still but slowly turn my head so I can see the front door . A face is pressed up against the glass panel . I do not move . The face moves away and I scurry like a beetle to the stairs . The cellar is dark . I stand up and slowly retreat in to the cool , blackness . There is a dim orange light at the top of the stairs coming in from the street . I squat with my back against the cold brick wall . I control my breathing , long deep quiet breaths . My eyes are beginning to acclimatise to the darkness and as they do I become aware of a dark figure standing to my left . I feel a wave of coldness run through my body . I try not to move . My legs and arms feel like lead weights . If I have to fight now I don 't know if I could move at all . I do not want to look . " You look like a scared rabbit " the figure has the voice of a woman . She snorts a quiet laugh . " It 's ok , it 's safe to look " My eyes slowly move up her dress to her face . It is the girl whose fingers had been shut in the door . I look down to her hand , but she is wearing gloves and I can 't see , it 's too dark . " I don 't know what I think . It 's hard to think when you 're petrified . " I whisper - making a point about keeping quiet . " I have watched you for many years talking to your clients . I could probably pass the exams myself , but I 've seen that it 's about a relationship . And I want to try it . " She puts her hand out , I hold it , I can feel the half length fingers . She edges slowly around the wall , we come to an opening . There are more stairs going down . At the bottom of them is a door which is open . Light from the room spreads out . The room is small . A stone floor , old plastered walls that have yellowed over time and are accentuated by the candle light . There are two chairs near the fire place , the fire flickers . " I haven 't wanted to go to the " beyond " , and so far I 've escaped my destiny . I have unfinished business to attend to first . Then I 'll face my fate " I go to the kitchen . There is a picture of a house drawn on the window . I wonder if I 've been sleep walking or taken on a split personality disorder . Could this be real ? This after all is the only thing in my real life that links to the things going on in my head . I have spent the day looking at videos on YouTube about String Theory , M - Theory , Time Dilation , and different ideas about particles moving backwards through time . If I was ever worried about going mad I should have just taken a look at all this stuff . If these Physicists didn 't have letters after their names I 'd be offering them my services . As a lay person I have to trust they know what they 're talking about , but it sounds like they 're on another planet . It makes sense that the universe is beyond my comprehension , that bit I do understand . It 's not that I don 't want to understand , it 's more a case of realising that someone like Stephen Hawkins or Einstein have had to build up so many conceptual models in their minds to get where they are that it all seems insurmountable . But here I am , dealing with something I wouldn 't normally think of as " normal " . I have been thinking , feeling differently lately , like there is some hope . I 'm not even feeling high about it , just a relaxed , " I 'm ok " sense of myself . I know it 'll go and I 'll be stressed again , at some point soon no doubt , but I can 't remember feeling like this for a long time . Of course it might be the retail therapy session I 've just had . Thigh length boots , I can 't believe I bought those in public , a beautiful orange and rust shawl , and a not so little something for myself . A man is standing across the road , facing me . He 's staring at me smiling . I smile and nod at him politely , then make my way as quick as I can to my front door . I feel panicky . I look over to where he was standing and he 's gone . I still don 't feel right . My hands are shaking as I put the key in the door . The door opens . I walk in , push the door shut with my back . And breath out in relief . I laugh a panicky laugh . But then I hear the sound and reverberation of a massive bang on the door . " Well until we can get more information then the answer 's both yes and no . You didn 't immediately spring to mind but it always helps to clear people off the list . Basically I 'm not interested in seeing you like that David , I just think you might be able to help so please , don 't worry . " In the space of two months I have witnessed a stabbing and now one of my clients has been stabbed to death . Is it just random , or did the killer , if it is the same killer , did the killer target them ? For me the thing connecting the crimes is me , but I 'm pretty sure I have nothing to do with it . I am filled to the brim with relativity . I 'm in bed , the laptop 's on my lap , I have about 10 internet windows open , and as I watch videos , ( and end up looking at videos that catch my eye that have nothing to do with what I 'm supposed to be looking at ) I start to catch myself jolting to sleep again . It 's dark now , the room is lit by the laptop screen . I 'm too sleepy to even move it off me I just let myself go . I feel my face is against the neck of a woman , I breathe in her warmth . She turns her head towards me . My nose pushes against her cheek . She takes my hand and pulls my arm around her . My hand is touching her stomach . I feel her back push against my stomach . I slide my face down to her shoulder blade . She lifts her arms over my head . My face moves in to her arm pit , and across to the side of her breast . She breathes in deeply . My hand moves down the side of her body , over her hips , down to her thigh . She turns on to her back and raises her knee , my hand strokes over the top of it and down the inside of her thigh . She guides my head up towards hers . I brush her nipple between my lips . My other hand reaches behind her head . It feels wet , I know it is blood , I recognise the warmth and stickiness . I look and it is Lucie who s looking back at me . She is crying , she screams . " Oh my God , I don 't understand . I thought I could trust you . What the fuck do you think you 're doing ? Well say something ! " I am shaking . I slide from under the laptop , get out of bed , go downstairs , find Ian Cole 's number . I ring him , it goes straight through to voice mail . " Hello , Mr Cole , it 's David , David Anderson . I need to speak with you . I need to know if Lucie was stabbed in the head . " I am so wound up . If it turns out that she was stabbed in the head then that might be considered as evidence , well at least by me . The wait to speak to Mr Cole will be interminable . I am woken by a knock on the door . I walk down the stairs . There is a blue flashing light . As I walk towards the door I hear Sarah call out to me " Don 't , it 's not the police , it 's a trick " I step backwards slowly . I can see the shape of the shadow on the door isn 't that of a police officer . I see the shape bend down towards the letter box . I step to the side of the door . A face , pushes up against the glass , the eye , distorted by the glass peers in . The head moves away from the glass and goes towards the front room windows I slowly walk backwards watching for the shape in case it moves to the letter box . It doesn 't . When I get to the top of the basement stairs Sarah is waiting there . She bounces down the stairs ahead of me , looking back and smiling . I am touched by her beauty . I take her hand as she guides me through the darkness . I feel the cold on my feet , and realise that I am only dressed in a dressing gown . When we get to the room I am careful to look respectable . There 's silence . I am trained not to influence the beginning of therapy . Of course if it 's the first time for someone they often look very uncomfortable , but if I say anything then I shall influence what happens . Needless to say , if I don 't , it has an influence as well . " Not really , I 'm just connecting to you through thoughts . It 's as if I 'd written something and now you 're reading it . In that way maybe I can have an effect " " In my time , there was no doubt about it . You did something wrong and you 'd go to Hell , even if you renounced the Devil you 'd still likely go to Hell . It 's funny that you don 't think it 's at all likely . " " Well in our world we have let go of religious beliefs , and now we 're flowing down a river , looking for something we think has some validity to it . As we flow we see millions of others still holding on to foliage and branches , all convinced that they have found a way to be free of the river . But many of us are searching for something which we can be sure of " " I 'm sure that most people feel pretty sure in their beliefs , but that doesn 't mean they 're right . It 's only by continuously testing ones beliefs that you can be sure you 're not sure . People who feel sure very rarely test their philosophy and accept a deluded point of view " " When I tried to have Sister Rebecca punished for her actions I had nobody to stand up for me , she made it look like I had done it myself . You don 't know what it is to have nobody bare witness to an act of evil perpetrated on oneself . Now I know that someone else saw what happened , that helps , I can 't tell you how much that helps . Thank you . " She cries , I can see it 's in relief . I have no tissues to pass her . " You know , that doesn 't ring true to me . You sound like someone choosing to abort a disabled baby because deep down they want to shirk the burden that they believe will result in having the child . Most of the time they don 't want to look to see what life for that child might really be like . You see we choose our beliefs to suit what allows us an easier life " " I suppose this is the dilemma . Do we act to save ourselves or those we love and venture in to immoral practices , such as killing , or do we stick to our convictions and suffer ? I can see that both ways are difficult . I do not have the answer though . " There 's a knock on the door . I pick up the Intercom expecting it to be Mr Cole , but it 's the gas meter reader . I let him in and take him in to the cellar . I get a feeling that someone is standing behind me . I spin around but there 's no one there . I realise my back is against the door and quickly push myself off of it . There 's a bang on the door . I spin around . I don 't want to look through the eye piece so I pick up the intercom . " No , but she had a wound in the back of her head . So I imagined someone had put something , maybe a knife through the door . Does that fit ? " " It does , but you do realise that every day we get tens of phone calls from people who 've had premonitions , and occasionally they 're right . But how do you know which ones to believe ? There might be something in it but it 's not of much practical use . If it was , we 'd be using it , trust me we need all the help we can get . " Some religions don 't see people as being evil at all , just that they can act in an evil way . Judaism doesn 't even see Satan as God 's adversary . Instead he is seen as working for God in order to test man kind . Then there are some religions that believe that not believing in their god or following their rules are acts of evil in themselves . I am in the front room . Just a moment ago the TV was on , now it 's blank , the house has gone very quiet . I 'm thinking about what she 's just said . I am aware of somebody outside looking through the window , I 'm sure they can see me through the gap in the curtains . It 's dark inside so I edge my way towards the curtains and slowly shut them . There is a loud bang on the door , then another , and another . The pounding repeats over and over again . " I accept what I have done was wrong , I mean I knew at the time it was wrong , but now I know in my heart that I destroyed any hope for my sister and used our deaths as a vengeance . You know I 've watched my actions over and over again and screamed at my self not to do it , but I can not change what I have done . I accept that I must pay for my sins , but I am scared . You can not imagine how scared I am . I wish I could be more repentant but all I really feel is fear . " What do you say to someone who is just about to face death ? What do they want to hear , or feel in their last hours ? I had watched Alice prepare everything fastidiously , but that was months before the slow fade out that was her death . Even at the end her heart beat seemed to go on for an hour after the monitors said her brain had stopped showing any vital , any signs of life . " It 's ok , I understand , sorry it was just , well , look I 'm sorry . I 'm sure you understand . David , do you actually feel anything for me ? " She steps backwards . We are still holding each other 's hand . She guides me out of her room and in to the darkness . I look back at the room , I expect the candles to go out but it just disappears as I get to the top of the stairs . Sarah 's hand grips mine tighter . She is shaking . We get to the the hallway and there is definitely a shadow on the glass . The being is motionless . Goodbye means God be with you . And those are my last words to her . " God be with you " . As the door opened I half expected a mirrored version of Sarah to be standing there , but instead there was no one , just the street as it always is , car lined and saturated in orange light . She seemed to look pleasantly surprised at someone that I couldn 't see . She stepped out of the house , looked over her shoulder at me and smiled . As she turned to walk down the road she looked once more , a frightened look , like she was trying to warn me about something , and then she was gone . I walked outside to take a look but she was nowhere to be seen . As I approached the front door it closed in the wind . I wasn 't too perturbed as I keep a key under the mat , wrapped in two leaves . I bent down to get the key when I noticed a shadow pass over me . I stopped moving , didn 't breathe , didn 't move at all . The shadow seemed to move away , even then I didn 't breathe . I slowly turned my head to see if it anything was there . I couldn 't see any one , so scrambled for the keys and in a slow motion fluster let my self in . The TV suddenly came on . It was showing a program that looked like Crimewatch . A pregnant woman was walking down an alleyway near to here , when a knife man approached her from behind . The time and date , 1 : 42 am 11 / 09 / 01 , was showing in the corner of the screen . I was trying to deal with the after effects of Sarah 's goodbye , but I couldn 't ignore this . It felt as if it was a message from Sarah , an act of repentance . I can 't sleep . No surprise really . I 've been going round in circles . I have no idea what I should do tomorrow . I 'm staring at a mark on the ceiling , and then without warning I 'm staring through the membrane that covers Alex . I can almost see her eyes through it , but what catches my attention are her fingers tapping fast against her cocoon . She 's typing a message that I 'll never read . Fast repetitive movements , twitching , spasmodic , prodding , fingertips white against the film . When Mr Anderson called me with a message that he 'd dreamt about something happening I couldn 't help but think he 'd probably gone a bit mad , then again he had been accurate about Lucie Blake 's injuries so I feel I have to pay some attention to him . I decided to check the area he mentioned was covered by CCTV and get the operators to keep me informed if anything looked a bit dodgy . Tomorrow 's the " Big Day " so we 'll see what 'll happen . " No , but PC no . [ BLANK ] is nearby . The source is very flimsy . Just let me know if you think anything 's up . " I hardly slept , but when I finally did get to sleep I was out for the count . I woke at 10 : 30 , put on my clothes and made my way to the alley way . There 's a pub where the alley way joins the main road , it was already open so I just hung around . At 11 . 40 I came outside to have a look . There was nothing to see , so I pretended to make a phone call and kept a look out . I had 999 already to dial . I looked at my watch , it was 11 : 41 and 27 seconds . A pregnant woman , came out of a doorway . My heart started to beat hard and fast , I could feel a sensation of coldness run down my body . I felt faint , but I thought - or maybe I actually didn 't think - I just walked towards her , I looked over my shoulder , no one else was nearby . I suppose I thought I might be able to help somehow . As she approached I hesitated , stopped and turned around . An old man came out of the pub , leant hard on his stick and paused for breath . He nodded at me as if to say " I can 't believe how weak I am " . I started to walk back towards the pub . I was a step or so ahead of the woman . As I got to where the old man was standing he moved his stick to take a step . I was pretty much level with him and creating a buffer between them both . The old man seemed to lunge towards me with such a force that both of us fell to the ground . The woman screamed . I tried to push him off but he was a dead weight . As I managed to free myself from him , the woman stopped screaming . I heard the thud of her body hit the floor . I looked across to see a man in white bend down at her head , and pull a knife out of the underside of her jaw . He spun the knife around and placed the tip of the knife on her temple . I managed to stand up . He pushed the blade through her head and moved the blade from side to side . It is this moment that will forever haunt me , it is filled with the blood of death and the blood of life . I could not see the woman 's face , just her bloodied hair strewn across it , and the lake of blood that poured from her . But in me was the blood of the living , it surged an anger through me , that someone so mad could destroy someone so innocent . It wasn 't protective , it was fury . I grabbed the old man 's stick and with all my strength swung it onto the man in white 's head . The thwack seemed to boil my palms in an instant and as his head seemed to push down the stick cracked . I lost my balance and fell towards him . My hands opened up and by luck embraced his head . The handle of the knife in his hands caught me on my forehead as we fell to the ground . Silent , slow motion , deafening and momentary . " Drop the knife sir " says a voice from behind me . I look and it 's a policeman edging his way towards us . He 'd holding a baton . For a moment I feel like giving up . Why should I care if the baby lives or dies . If fate wants it to die who am I to get in the way , but then I am overwhelmed by the police officer 's stupidity . The officer tells me to move back , which I do . He picks up the knife and speaks into his radio . I 'm suddenly overwhelmed by the madness that 's around me , and tears fall down my cheek . I watch as they make the cut , and push the big flap of red and yellow flesh and fat out of the way . There is a heat that comes from the woman 's body that reaches me from 6 foot away , it shocks me . In fact everything , every moment of " now " shocks me . He touches something and places his other hand in . He pulls a tiny baby out feet fist . As he picks up the child I notice its eyes are open , looking straight at me . It closes it 's eyes and starts to cry . The man in the priest 's outfit lies on his side , looking at me , quietly speaking . I walk towards him , but as if he was blind he seems unaware of my presence . " You 're all fools . You are saving the Anti - Christ . " This entry was posted in Blog , Uncategorized . Bookmark the permalink . One thought on " The Protectorate " Pingback : Written Works | Simon Mark Smith Leave a Reply Cancel reply |
Of course , in some ways her tendency toward intransigence was reassuring , at least to me . At her age , some people are already impatient to start dating , but Ron wasn 't interested in that . She scoffed at the very idea that she would ever go on a date . But I was aware that this would all change at some point . I wasn 't exactly ready , but I was trying to prepare myself . I remembered my sister , when her oldest daughter had been around Ron 's age , saying , " She 's ready to start dating . The boys are ready for her to start dating . Apparently everybody is ready for this but me . " " Shall we go get the food ? " I asked . I usually did this for my employer , since she couldn 't carry a tray and have a free hand for her cane . " I have to step out for a moment , Ron , " she said , getting to her feet . " I 'll be right back . " Her voice was pleasant , but she gave a touch of extra emphasis to the last two words . " Just a question . " I put my arm around her shoulders and leaned over to whisper . " Don 't you want to grow up to be like her ? " I asked . Mr . Guthrie sat in a small office , behind a small and much - worn wooden desk , in the U - town school . He wore a dark suit and horn - rimmed glasses . He was balding , but his remaining hair was trimmed and neatly combed . I got the impression that he had been working here long before U - town had been founded , and had just stayed on . " This is Ron , " I said , indicating my rather sullen - looking daughter . Her freckled face was stern but clean , and I had made sure her thick brown hair was washed and brushed . Her clothes ( denim jacket , sweatshirt , jeans , and sneakers ) were shabby but clean . I had told her it was important to make a good first impression . She hadn 't been convinced , so I had had to insist . She cocked her head to one side a bit and pursed her lips judiciously , making her look like a very small , very scruffy Jan Sleet . " That 's alright , " she said finally . " I was afraid it was going to be something stupid . " She turned to Mr . Guthrie . " I 'll use that . " " I see , " he said . " Is she a transfer from another school ? " He had apparently decided that it was a better idea to address his questions to me . " Indeed . That is rather irregular . " I had the feeling that if I hadn 't been part of the government , his disapproval would have been expressed more forcefully . " Heaven forbid . Here . " He wrote something on a pad and handed it to her . " Take this to room 404 and give it to Mrs . Baum . She 'll take care of you . " " Oh , no , " I said . " She 's far from slow . She 's just been feral for a while . You may find her a bit of a handful , especially with her language . " He shook his head . " That 's not unusual these days . I 've learned some words this semester that I never heard before in my life , and I served in the Navy . " " And many people don 't know my last name . I 'm mostly just ' Marshall . ' " I laughed . " Occasionally even ' Mr . Sleet . ' " " I 'm surprised to see you here , " I said . We stood on the top step of the three steps leading to the school entrance . By standing right next to the building , we were under a small overhang and somewhat sheltered from the rain . Christy smiled . " Usually we teach our own children , but my son wanted to try the school here . I think he 's trying to be more independent from me . Which is good , I suppose . " " A friend of mine , they 're saying he stole the answers to a test . I know he wouldn 't do that . We should get Mom . " " Dad ? " Ron asked hesitantly . She stepped aside so she wouldn 't block two other kids who were coming out of the school , and she stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans . " Mom jokes sometimes about you and Christy . " She was looking down at the steps . " You wouldn 't ever leave , would you ? " She made a face . " That 's evil when that happens . " " Ron , " I said , " Christy is a very nice woman , and she and her boyfriend are good friends of ours , but there 's no more chance that anything would happen with me and her than it would with your mother and Fifteen . I love your mother , and she knows it . That 's why she can make jokes about it , because it won 't ever happen . She is comfortable and confident in our marriage , and with good reason . And , if any of that wasn 't true , if I did have any other ideas , she 'd know it , wouldn 't she ? " " Very true . So , I 'm afraid you 're stuck with both of us . Let 's go in and see what we can learn . Maybe we can detect some things on our own before she gets here . " " Mr . O ' Connor ! " came a shout as soon as we stepped into the building . I was surprised to see Mr . Guthrie gesturing from a doorway . The only other time I had met him had been the day I had brought Ron to the school to get registered , and it hadn 't seemed that we 'd ended that encounter as boon companions . He gestured and we followed him into an office . It was small , and at the moment it was crowded . Behind the one desk sat a man I didn 't know . He was in his thirties , with his long blond hair tied back . There were books and stacks of paper everywhere , including one precarious pile that was blocking the lower half of the one dirty window . There were two straight - backed chairs . One was occupied by Ms . Tumolo , who I had met before . Mr . Guthrie took the other chair , leaving Ron and me standing . " Marshall , then . We have a bit of a mystery , though nothing on the level that Miss Sleet usually solves , thank goodness . Mr . Guthrie and Miss Tumolo disagree about pretty much everything , but they agree that you and Miss Sleet may be able to help . " " Well , let me lay the basic facts before you . We were giving a test today , to five students , and it appears that one of the five stole the answers . Certainly somebody did . " " No , the rest of the class took the test last week . But one boy , Corey , missed it the first time because he was in the hospital with a broken arm . One girl , Phoebe , missed it because she was out with the flu . And , since we had to give it to them anyway , we decided to give it again to three students who had taken it already , two brothers and a sister , because there was some evidence that they cheated - " " Alright ! " the man behind the desk said , slapping his desk blotter as things started to get out of control . " I 'm pulling rank ! I 'm the principal here , and you two can skedaddle until I 've explained this to Mr . O ' Connor . Go help keep an eye on the students . We will join you soon . " " Sorry for the rough - and - tumble introduction , Mr . O ' Connor . Marshall . My name is Dan , and I have the dubious honor to be in charge of this menagerie . I do appreciate your help . I 'm eager to talk to anybody who has an open mind about this business . As you can tell , that 's in short supply . " He smiled . " I could tell you stories all day , but here are two important ones . First , they get the same score on every test . They give the same answers to every question , and they never get an answer wrong . They don 't get 100 % every time , although they do very well , but if they don 't know an answer , they leave it blank . They never guess . As you could tell , some people are convinced that they 've been cheating somehow , and that 's why we decided to put them in different rooms this time . " Exactly . That 's why I don 't believe they are cheating . But some of the other teachers , even apart from Miss T . , are convinced it 's some sort of scam . They are adamant about it , and they wrack their brains trying to figure out how they do it . " Dan leaned back in his chair . " The other story is that there 's a girl in their class who 's been trying to figure out whether she should have sex with her boyfriend . For some reason she chose Sharon to ask for advice - which would have seemed to have been an odd choice - and the next thing she knew they were all there , all three of them , Sharon and her brothers , and they were telling her that the three of them have sex every night , with each other , and that it 's really good . But they also told her that she should probably wait if she wasn 't sure she was ready , and that her boyfriend didn 't really love her . He was mostly just attracted to her breasts , which are . . . lavish for a girl of her age . Or any age . " He smiled . " I 'm not implying they can read minds ; most people figured Corey out a long time ago . Well , things got tense for a while . She broke up with Corey , and she told him what the Golden had said . " He chuckled . " That 's what the kids call them . Anyway , Corey was angry , so he spread around the story about the Golden 's sex lives . " " I do , if only because , as far as I can tell , they never lie . Anyway , the school doesn 't have any rules about what the students can do at home , obviously . So , some parents got upset , but there was nothing we could do . Even if we 'd wanted to . But it was awkward for a while . " He smiled . " Would you like to meet them ? " " What ? " I said . " No , I want to talk to you about investigations . This is important . When you 're trying to solve a mystery , never get excited . Never get angry and never get upset . Let everybody else get upset , and watch what happens . Take information in , don 't give it away . " " She 's a teacher . She can figure out how to deal with that . " I smiled as I stood up . " Of course , if you ever curse at me like that , I 'll paddle your bottom . " I lifted her out of her chair and hugged her . " No , never like that , " I said after a moment . " You should know that by now . " She nodded . " His name is Will . He 's nice . The other two are really stuck up . " We turned a corner and she said , " That 's the room . " " Hang on , " I said as she walked ahead . She came back to me and I said , " We 're investigating , remember ? What do these doors lead to ? " " I sometimes use the first one , " Ms . Tumolo said as she pushed past us . " We don 't have assigned offices . " She went into the nearest office and closed the door . " You 'll notice , " I said , " that all the doors have glass panels . That could be significant . " I winked at Ms . Tumolo through her closed door as we went down the hall . They sat in a row , feet flat on the floor , hands folded in their laps , and they turned with the same motion as we entered the room . Their hair was blond and shoulder - length , their eyes were gray , and their skin was a pale golden color , apparently without blemish or imperfection . They wore jeans and sneakers , and their sweaters had the same design in different colors . The only other person in the room was a woman , sitting behind the desk . She had a mass of long , frizzy hair , a round face , and thick glasses . She looked up from the papers on the desk in front of her . " Who are you ? " she demanded , peering at me . The woman seemed unimpressed by this information . I looked down at Ron and she grinned at me . She knew that I 'd been reminding her about the importance of remaining calm when conducting an investigation . " I 'd like to get everybody in here , " I said . " Everybody who was involved . Then I can find out the sequence of events . " Then I interrupted myself ( and I could imagine my employer 's look of disapproval at my disorganization ) . " You mentioned that Corey had a broken arm . I 'm curious about how he broke it . " " We broke it , " one of the Golden said suddenly . I had already given up trying to figure out which of them was which . " He tried to put his hands on Sharon 's body , under her clothes . So , we broke his arm to stop him . " " Hazel wants to fight her own battles , " one of the Golden said , " as much as possible . She has been defending herself from various human predators for some time , after all . " He jumped nimbly away as Ron tried to kick him in the shin , and one of the others continued . " To run to you with every incident in her life would cause you to lose respect for her . She is fully aware that she can come to you whenever she encounters a situation she can 't solve herself , and that feeling makes her happier than she will ever express to you directly . " When that was done , Ron made a face , but she was clearly not upset . We had already observed that kicking was mostly a friendly game with Ron . When she was really angry , she cursed , loudly and at length . I wondered how the Golden had managed to learn that her real name was Hazel . She detested the name , and I would have been very surprised if she 'd told it to them . We only knew it because Jan had investigated Ron when she 'd started to deliver our mail . A few minutes later , we were ready to begin . I stood near the door , in a position where I could observe everybody . Ron stood next to me . Audrey had ignored Dan 's obvious desire to take her place behind the desk , so he stood between the desk and the door . Corey and Phoebe had been brought in from the other rooms . They sat in the front row of desks , at the far end from the Golden , near the window . " We 're going to thrash this thing out , " Dan said , " and find out what happened and who was responsible . And that may take a while , which is fine . Other things can wait . " " Now , " he continued , " I 'm going to outline my understanding of the sequence of events , then we 'll see where I 'm right or wrong . The test was supposed to start promptly at eleven . The Golden were waiting here , Corey was in the next room , and Phoebe was late . The plan was that Corey , Phoebe , and Will would take the test in the first room , Sharon would be in this room , and Craig would be in the third room . " I was in my office , " Ms . Tumolo said , adding a bit of emphasis to the possessive pronoun . " With the door closed . I was working . " " By the time I returned , " Dan continued , " Audrey was back , and Phoebe was here , and we were going to start . Audrey went to her office and found that the answers were missing . We did a thorough search of these two classrooms , and found nothing . Then we searched the students , and found nothing there either . I searched Corey , and Audrey searched Phoebe , and . . . " his voice trailed off . I shook my head . " No , not now . I 'd rather figure out what our options are . " I went to the blackboard and started a list . " Why would Dan have done it ? " Audrey demanded . " Besides , if Corey wasn 't watching , anybody else in the school could have come by . " She nodded , and the three of us went to the back of the room . Ms . Tumolo moved to the front to get away from us . Dan and I sat down , so we wouldn 't loom over Phoebe , who was not tall . " I was late , " she whispered to Dan . " I saw you leaving , but I didn 't know you were looking for me , so I didn 't say anything . I looked in the room . . . " When we rejoined the others , Dan stood in front of the Golden . " Sharon , Will , Craig , " he said , " you were evasive before , but now we need an answer . You were sitting here , in the front row , right near the door , and the door was open . Did you see somebody walk by ? " " That 's bullshit ! " Audrey snapped . " Dan is a tall , white man with a blond ponytail . I 've got frizzy brown hair and dark skin . Miss Tumolo has black hair . She has the neatest hair in the world , and I have the messiest . " She grabbed a handful of her hair and waved it around for emphasis . " Corey is a white boy with dark hair , and Phoebe is a Black girl with no hair . Which two of us could you have got mixed up ? " " The story is obviously a lie , " Ms . Tumolo said . " They can 't accuse a specific person , because it won 't hold up . But they have to say that somebody walked by the door , or they will be admitting that they did it . " " I found the answers , " Jan Sleet said as she limped into the room . " They were exactly where I expected them to be . " She held up a piece of paper between two fingers . My employer got the reaction she wanted . The teachers jumped . Corey and Phoebe jumped . Ms . Tumolo looked furious , once she had collected herself , as if this was a show - off stunt . The Golden smiled very slightly , but they hadn 't jumped . Ron just grinned , apparently not surprised at all . Of course , it is possible that she 'd heard what I had heard , and had known what it meant , as I had . I had heard a tap from the hallway , just as Dan had started retracing the crime . I thought I knew what it meant , but I didn 't look and I didn 't react . It had been , I thought , the tap of a cane on linoleum , and the fact that it had been followed by silence told me two things . " In Audrey 's office , " my employer replied . She stood in the front of the room , hands crossed on top of her cane , looking at everybody through her large , horn - rimmed glasses . She was wearing a three - piece dark blue pinstripe suit , a pale blue silk shirt , and a burgundy ascot . The handkerchief in her breast pocket was pale blue , matching her shirt . " Because the answers were not stolen to be used . The theft was intended to be noticed - that was the point . How could anybody have thought that the test would be delivered , that the theft would be undetected , when the answers had been clipped to the test copies ? " " There was no reason for the Golden to take the answers and hide them in the office , " I said . " The only possible result of that was that they themselves would be under suspicion . So , somebody else came down this hall and took the answers and hid them and then went back . Nobody , not even Ms . Tumolo , could have got to that room without passing this one . " I turned to the Golden . " You were all in the room . The door was open , and you were facing it , sitting right in the front , so you would have seen anybody who went down the corridor . Therefore , you are shielding someone . " So , who are you protecting ? A friend ? I don 't mean this to sound unkind , but I get the idea that you don 't have any close friends , other than each other . " They were impassive , listening . " But what about an enemy ? " " They would , if it was Corey . They couldn 't accuse him without it looking like it was tit - for - tat for his spreading stories about them . And he has two reasons for wanting to get them into trouble . They were a factor in a girl breaking up with him , and they broke his arm . " Ms . Tumolo 's eyes widened at this , but she didn 't speak . I leaned over and whispered carefully in his ear . " You tried to molest my daughter on her first day of school . Of course , she is perfectly capable of dealing with that , and you , without any help from me . But if you squirm one more time , or say anything other than ' Yes , sir , ' you 're going to have two broken arms . Am I making myself clear to you ? " They didn 't react , but my employer limped forward . " I 'm more pedantic than the Golden , apparently , and I know I 'm more pedantic than my husband , so I will explain . The Golden didn 't lie , at least in what they told us today . They made three statements , all of them true , in order to lead you to a false conclusion . " A third finger . " It 's not good to accuse people if you 're not sure . " She smiled . " Also true . It can cause a lot of harm . They never asserted a connection between the second and third statements , they just let you assume that there was one . As most people would have . But they didn 't lie . " " We live with a man , Mr . Bostwick , and he is a fan - of your writing and of your detective work . We know he would enjoy meeting you . Would you and Mr . O ' Connor like to come and have dinner this evening ? " " Mr . Bostwick is quite elderly , and he can 't get around without a wheelchair . We take care of him . We prepare his breakfast , and we leave him something for lunch when we can 't get there in the middle of the day . Then we cook his dinner and we eat with him . He always wants to hear how our day was at school , but we learn all sorts of things from him . He is very old , and he knows a great many things . Soon he will die , and that will all be lost . We also keep the house clean , and we do small repairs and run errands for him . " " Oh . " She nodded . " That makes sense . " Then , to my surprise , she threw her arms around me and hugged me . Then she ran off to her class . Corey and Audrey left also , but Dan stopped . He could tell that my employer wanted to talk to him . " Will there be any repercussions from the Golden breaking Corey 's arm ? " she asked . " Miss Tumolo looked like she might start something . " He shrugged . " She may . If she does , I don 't think it will go anywhere , because I 'm sure Corey doesn 't want to accuse them . He doesn 't want quite that much discussion of how he treats girls . And he will probably be suspended for stealing the answers anyway . We 'll have to take that up at the next staff meeting , though , since usually when answers are stolen it 's to cheat on the test , which wasn 't what happened here . Do you want to be informed ? " She shook her head . " Ron will tell us , and it will be in the regular reports . That 's plenty . But wait ! " she said sharply , stamping her cane on the floor . He had started to move away , but he turned back quickly . You didn 't have to know her as well as I did to know that she was very serious . She was gripping her cane so tightly that her hand was nearly vibrating . " Screw the test answers , " she said . " What I do want to hear about is your plan for dealing with the fact that you have a student who apparently molests every girl he sees , or tries to . I 'm far more interested in that than I am in stolen test answers , no matter why they were stolen . " " Listen , " Jan said . " Not every girl can defend herself as well as my daughter can . Not every girl has two brothers to help her , as Sharon does . And the longer this goes on , the more clearly you 're telling Corey that this is okay , and you 're giving the same message to every other boy and girl here . And that is not an acceptable lesson in our school . " And I will tell you this . If there 's another student , bigger and stronger , who sees that you let Corey get away with this , in plain sight , again and again , and if that student tries to touch my daughter and she is not able to defend herself , then I will swoop down on this school like an avenging angel , and that is not something you will want to experience . Good day . " She turned on her heel and I followed her out . I opened the door , and my employer and I stepped into a narrow , dark hallway . There was a staircase that seemed to be sagging a bit to one side . An old man in a wheelchair moved slowly toward us from the back of the building . " We have to snake out the drain upstairs , " they explained as they padded past us and up the stairs . " We 'll do that later tonight . But we had to shower , since we had gym class today , and we can 't use the showers at school anymore . Mr . Bostwick let us use his shower so we could clean up before dinner . " I wasn 't sure about that . Now that they were at home , they weren 't even bothering to put on a show of speaking normally . They spoke in some sort of rotation , each saying a phrase . The effect was something like this : Mr . Bostwick led us into the living room , which was small , shabby , and comfortable . He smiled as we sat down , and he addressed my employer . " You 're a detective , Miss Sleet , and they are indeed a mystery , so I might as well tell you up front that I know none of the answers . " " Of course . But I 'm curious about a good many things that I know I 'll never learn . And , to be honest , if not for them I 'd probably have to go live with my daughter and her kids . Which would be miserable for all of us , but especially for me . " He smiled . " I try not to ask them too many questions . I gather they are treated as freaks at school every day , and I know that it bothers them . I get the impression that their attempts to ' act normal ' and ' fit in ' have been less than successful . But they shouldn 't feel that way in their own home , too . " I was surprised at the question , and I shrugged . " I guess so . I played sports , and I was pretty good , so that helped . I didn 't drink , which was considered very odd , but mostly the sports made up for it . " She laughed , nearly dropping the cigarette I was lighting for her . " Of course not , " she said . " I was taller than most of the boys , and thinner than I am now - if you can imagine that - and I had absolutely none of the skills and interests expected of a girl my age in my town . " She smiled , exhaling a cloud of smoke . " Very well . With complete , if sometimes bemused , acceptance . And you 're right , it made a huge difference . " " He 'll make this one . He visits U - town once a week or so to meet with us . I 'll ask him to stop by . " Mr . Bostwick smiled as we heard the Golden trooping down the stairs . " I need to change my will . I 'm going to leave them the house , and the little money I have . " " Nearly a year . We met him at the hospital . We used to help out there , and they would usually give us food and a bed , if we helped all day . " Mr . Bostwick made a face . " That was when the hospital refused to release me unless I had somebody to go home with me . How was I going to do that ; there 's no phones . Even if I had somebody I could call . " " And by the time we got here , they proposed that they would move in . They had it all figured out . It looked like a good idea , so I accepted . " " He insisted we had to go to school , " Craig added . " We didn 't want to , at first , but we 've been learning a lot . " He smiled again . " Similar to Hazel , who is learning a lot as well , despite her initial reluctance . " " I see your point . " She frowned . " You don 't think she 's interested in Will , do you ? I mean , she 's only twelve . I don 't think she 's ready for an incestuous ménage à quatre . " I shook my head again . " I don 't think so . She was very open about Will being her friend , and I have the idea that when she is interested in a boy , she 'll be much more secretive about it . I would be very surprised if she wasn 't . " " Ah , " she said . " I think you 're right . " She smiled and took my hand . " I will admit that this is a conversation I never thought I 'd be having . " The great detective searched my face for evidence that I was kidding . When she didn 't find any , she frowned , working to adjust her view of the world to include this new information . Comments are closed . |
I turned off the motorway ( Freeway ) , and started the last twenty miles of my journey home through the twisty country lanes of Warwickshire . I was singing away to the car stereo without a care in the world , returning from a night of clubbing in Birmingham . This was the part of the journey that I liked the best , throwing my new BMW sports car through winding roads . It was about two in the morning , the roads were deserted and the sound of the engine was playing a tune to compete with the stereo . Suddenly my attention was drawn to the dashboard , where a red warning light had just come on . I slowed down my pace and concentrated on the dash to understand what could be the matter with my new toy . Another light came on , this time flashing , and the needle on the temperature gauge was climbing into the hot . I didn 't understand what was happening , but I knew it wasn 't good . Within minutes my headlights were starting to dim and the engine didn 't appear to be revving properly . As my headlights got worse , I slowed to a crawl , when suddenly there was a loud whoosh sound , and clouds of steam appeared out of the sides of the bonnet ( hood ) . The engine stalled , and turning the key to start it just killed the headlights completely , without the engine attempting to start . I reached for my cell phone , but the batteries were flat . I plugged it into the car charger , but even this didn 't bring it to life . I sat there thinking what now , and knowing there wasn 't much chance of anyone coming past at this time in the morning . I thought to myself that I would walk to the nearest farm , it couldn 't be more than three or four miles . I was dressed in a short pleated skirt , tiny blouse that exposed my naked waist and I had on a pair of high heel shoes . Not really the right get - up for walking any distance , but I had no choice . It was a warm summer night , but there was no moon and heavy cloud cover , which made it pitch black . I got out of the car , locked it and started to walk . I could hardly see the road at all ; the night was eerily silent , apart from the click of my heels on the road . Oh I forgot to say who I am . My name is Virginia . I know what you 're thinking . ' Virgin for short . But not for long ' . Ha Ha . The number of times I 've heard that one . Anyway , as I said , " My name is Virginia , I 'm a petite 5 ' 3 , " size 8 , nineteen years old , and not to brag , but considered good looking . My parents are Lord & Lady Radelshome , and have a large country manor . I suppose most people would class me as a spoilt brat . At the age of eighteen I got married to my boyfriend , much to my parents ' dismay , but instead of disinheriting me they bought us a big country house , me a new BMW , and my new husband was given a Jag . I had been walking for about ten minutes when I heard a car in the distance behind me . I turned , and sure enough the headlights were visible , getting bigger and brighter by the second . I stood and waited , waving to make sure he saw me . The car stopped and the driver and a passenger got out . " That 's a nice name . We haven 't any spare seats in the car , we 've got two mates in the back . I 'm afraid the only way we can give you a lift is if you sit on my knee . Is that alright ? " Said Bill the passenger . " Yes I suppose so , " I Said . They both got in the car , and I carefully sat on Bill 's knee and lifted my legs in , they closed the door , turned the car round and we were off . In the few second that it took to get back to my car Bill had questioned be on the sequence of events that had led up to my car stopping . He decided he knew what was wrong with it ( a broken fan belt ) , and what 's more he reckoned he could fix it . I couldn 't decide whether he was a genius , or a bullshitter ! The first thing they did when they stopped at my car was all four men got out , and they pushed the car onto the grass verge . They stopped with the front wheels straddling a ditch that ran at the side of the road ( it was dry ) , which Bill said would be handy to get under the car . " Yeah . So you know what 's wrong , what goods that ? She ain 't gonna have a fan belt in her purse , " said Brian . The back seat passengers whose names I didn 't know had returned to the car as soon as they had helped push my car off the road . The cars were facing each other , and they were using their headlights to give Bill enough light to check my car . Now the news that my tights were needed , made me more than a little nervous , but so far Bill had behaved like a gentleman , and he certainly seemed genuine . He just returned to the front of the car , got underneath , and started his repair . I walked slowly back to the front of my car , and stood to the side of the bonnet . Brian had already got back in his car . I looked down into the engine , and could see his hands holding two ends of my rolled up tights . One I could reach from where I was . But the other was on the other side of the engine . I moved round the front , held onto the top of the engine , and stretched a leg across the ditch . As I leaned forward into the engine bay I realised that I must be showing a lot of leg , and the rest . I tried not to think about it , and was glad the other men were all back in the car . I concentrated on taking hold of the tights , and threading them as instructed by Bill , as he was completing the job from below , shadows in the cars headlights alerted me to movement behind me . Still fully bent over , I turned my head and glanced back to see the three men crouched down , just a couple of feet behind me . They were slightly to each side , making sure that they didn 't obscure the light from the headlights , but still getting a perfect view of my cunt and arse . At this I started to struggle to stand upright , and get my leg back . One of the men sprang to his feet and gently put his hands on my bare waist , and lifted me back , saying , " There you are luv . " Bill crawled from under the car , started putting in water from his emergency bottle he 'd collected from his boot , and then began to connect his jump leads . The other men had once again lost interest , and all got back in their car . " Brum - brum , " said my BMW , as it burst into life . " I don 't know what you 're going to ask . But ask any way . I 'm broad minded , I can always say no . " I didn 't answer , but walked slowly round to the blanket in front of my car , and sat down . Bill had stopped my car engine and was soon kneeling in front of me . I lay back on the blanket ; his hand took hold of my ankles and lifted my legs high and wide . He moved slightly to one side , I suppose to let the light from his car headlights illuminate my crotch . He leaned forward bringing his face to mine , and with his tongue licking his upper lip , asked , " Can I give you a wet kiss . " As I started to lift myself up to give him a kiss , a pair of hands rested on my shoulders and returned me to the ground . My ankles were taken by a man either side , and Bill pressed his thumbs into my crotch spreading my cunt to take his probing tongue . " What do you think you 're doing , " I shouted , as I started to struggle . It gradually seemed pointless struggling , or complaining , and as I lay there I realised that I was starting to respond to his licking and probing . As the tongue lapped across my clit I would lift , and his tongue would push into my hole . I was helpless to the wants of my body , and realised I was thrashing up and down , as if I was enjoying it . After about five minutes , Bill stopped and sat up . I didn 't speak ; I just nodded to say yes . He leaned down towards me , and as his lips reached mine , I felt his prick entering my cunt . As he pressed his lips on mine , I felt him thrust the length of his prick right up inside me . My husband was the same age as me and his prick never stretched my cunt like this . He pounded away , and I responded , giving as good as I got . When he cum I was still building towards my climax , but he just stopped and pulled out . I wanted more , and I lay there thrashing up and down . But I didn 't need to wait long before the next man climbed aboard . I didn 't care , and I had just got back into the rhythm , when he suddenly stopped , I looked up , and all heads were turned towards a car that had pulled up along side us . The window wound down , a torch shone out and a man 's voice said . " Is every thing alright ? " " Yes . Were just giving this posh bitch a good time , " Brian said . The car pulled off and my rider got back into action , we were soon both going strong . The harder he pushed the more I took , and when this man shot his load , I exploded like a thing possessed . He got up and they all stood watching for at lease a minute while I writhed about . As I calmed down the next man got stuck in and away we went again , this fuck was nice but uneventful , and when he 'd finished I lay there waiting for the last man to take his turn . They say last but not least , and this was certainly true about this man . I hadn 't seen the size of any of their pricks , but as he pushed this great big lump of meat up my cunt , I knew this was Mr . Big . Boy did he get me going , I thought my first climax was good , but this man knew how to fuck . He would thrust long and slow , and then take it out and rub my clit with the knob end , as I lifted he was back ramming like a piston . He repeated this cycle until he could tell I was at boiling point , and then he rammed a dozen violent strokes shooting his hot cum deep inside my eager cunt . My cunt was in spasms , and I was moaning and screaming for him to keep fucking . He lay still with his prick left inside me to soak , until I had calmed down , at which point his prick seemed to melt away and slip out . I lay there still spread wide while they all shared a box of tissues to clean themselves down , they got dressed , and one of them gave me his hand to help me up . A couple of them started wiping around my legs , and cleaning me . I took some tissues from the box and said I could manage . Bill said , " I 'll tell you what , Virginia . We didn 't expect you to let us all fuck you like that . That was really good of you . You might be Virginia by name but you 're sure no virgin . " The others all got back in the car and bill explained that once he had started the engine , I was to drive in as high a gear as possible and not to let the rev counter go above 1500 RPM . He said they would follow to make sure I got home alright . He used his jump leads , and once again the engine came to life , with no warning lights on ! My headlight worked , Bill got back in their car . As soon as they reversed to turn round , in a mad impulse I thought I would speed off , so that they didn 't get a chance to have second helpings . I ignored the instructions about 1500 RPM , and the BM was away like a scolded cat . That was the last I 'll see of them , I thought . Should I rush to a police station to report my rape ? Had I been raped ? Had it all been my own fault ? The questions were rushing through my mind , but I didn 't get chance to answer them before the first light came back on , I hadn 't gone fifty yards . The same sequence repeated itself as it had done earlier , and I was soon at a standstill , waiting for the inevitable return of my rescuers . I had been stopped about one minute , when I saw there headlights coming . Why hadn 't I taken my time ? What a cunt ( fool ) I 'd been and now probably my cunt was going to pay the price . " What did you rev it like that for ? " Snapped Bill angrily , " I told you not to put your foot down . " I got out of the car , but I didn 't reply . Bill looked me up and down . " That blouse won 't make a temporary belt , " and taking hold of the hem of my skirt and stretching it , he said , " If you want to take that off I 'll try and rip it into strips , it might work . But it 's not worth me trying to make a repair if you 're going to drive like a mad thing . " " Ok . I 'll just go round the back of the car , " I removed my skirt and passed it over the roof of the car , he took it and started to rip . I removed my blouse , and wrapped it round my waist , tying it using the sleeves . It didn 't cover much , but it felt better than nothing at all . " Don 't flatter yourself , the only reason I 'm taking them off is so you can sit on my knee without that cunt of yours dribbling all over my best trousers . " He folded his trousers , and got in . I was undecided and stood there for about ten seconds , " It 's up to you . Ok then enjoy your walk , " said Bill as he closed the door . I dashed up to the car , and banged on the window . He opened the window , " What now ? " We hadn 't been travelling more than two seconds , before Bill wrapped one arm around my waist , and lifted me up towards his body . His other hand must have been positioning his prick , because as he lowered me down , it slid right in . Now both hands were on my waist , lifting me up and down , I attempted a feeble struggle , but it was no use . Before long I was cooperating , and in no time he was cumming inside me . He had hardly finished moaning , when a voice from the back seat said , " Pass her over then , if you 've finished . Once again I tried to resist , but two men in the back pulling , and Bill lifting , I was soon in their clinches . I didn 't know which man had got me first , until I felt the size of the prick going up ! It was Mr . Big ( well I didn 't know his name , and he sure was big ) . He had pulled me towards him face to face , so I was kneeling . I was soon sliding up and down without any encouragement ; I was trying to copy the method that he had used on me earlier on . Lifting long and slow to use his full length and then lifting till it fell out . I would then rub my clit with his knob end , and then lift up and down quickly , so his prick rammed me like a piston . I repeated this cycle until I suddenly felt my cunt going into spasms , my legs couldn 't move . He then took over , grabbed my waist and lifted me up and down violently , ramming his prick right to the top , his hot cum shooting deep inside my eager cunt . I could see the next man was eager for his turn , but Mr . Big wanted to soak his prick , and he kept a firm grip on my waist , until he was ready . " Ok luv , better let him have a go , we 'll be at the farm soon , " he said as he lifted me across . The next man manoeuvred me round so that I was facing the front of the car , and kept me standing , whilst he used his fingers on my cunt . He was poking my cunt , and then sliding his fingers around to my arse . As he got more of the sloppy fluid from my cunt and around my arse , he pushed his finger up . I protested , and tried to climb out of reach , when suddenly Mr . Big put his hand on my shoulder . " If you don 't stop making a fuss I 'll shove my prick up your arse , and then you 'll know you been fucked , " he said . I froze immediately , let him open my legs , and stood there while he probed my arse . After a minute , he put an arm around my belly , and pulled me down onto his prick . But this time it was going right up my arse , he was cumming almost as soon as he got up there , and he held me on his knee , his prick still hard , while he used his hands on my tits . The car turned off the road , and went down a bumpy farm track , bouncing from side to side . We pulled up outside a big barn door . As they turned off the lights of the car the place was pitch black . " No not yet . We want to introduce you to our families first . Then we 'll take you up to the farm house , and you can call from there , " said Brian . " Now look here . You 've all had what you wanted out of me , and if you let me make my phone call now I won 't go to the police . But if you start any more games with me I 'm going to report you all for rape . I know I 'm not far away from where I live now , so it wont take the police long to find this place and then you 'll all be arrested , " I tried to sound as threatening as possible . " Well when the police arrive , after tomorrow , we won 't be here . In fact we 've never been here . We don 't even exist . You see were all illegal immigrants , working on this farm , this was our last night , and the four of us went out to celebrate . Tomorrow we will be miles away , and the farmer will say that there never was anyone here . And anyway there was that motorist who pulled up earlier ; you didn 't look like you were struggling when he stopped to help . And I 'm sure they will find him , and a lot of spunk back their on your car seat . You see you haven 't got much choice , have you . Now be a good girl , and come and meet our families . " He put his arm around me and walked me in to the barn . As we entered a dim light was illuminated high up in the barn roof , I could see the rows of empty horse stalls , a ladder leading up to the hay loft , and hay bails everywhere . They led me to the ladder and pointed up . As I climbed someone was behind me , and his prick was out . Every hesitation was met with his prick catching up and probing for an entry . I climbed as quickly as I could , and was soon on the loft floor . More lights were turned on and everyone started to awake . At first they were all complaining about being disturbed , until they caught sight of me . Blouse tied around my waist , tits hanging out of my bra , and shiny spunk covered legs . The ages ranged from a couple of lads about eighteen , to an old man who looked about ninety . I counted ten men in all , fourteen including my heroic rescuers ! They were soon brought up to speed on the fun that had been had at my expense , and the old man was asked if he wanted first go . He had a big smile , he nodded , sat on the floor , and remove his trousers and under pants . His prick stood to attention , and it wasn 't bad for size either . " Come on , Virginia , show them what you can do , " came brains voice . I didn 't have any choice ; I went over , climbed astride and slid it in . I tried to imagine I was showing - off at a party , as I have been known to do in the past before I was married . Once the hormones took over I was away and soon oblivious to the audience , and the age of my stud . I was just thinking he must be ready to cum by now , when I felt someone fingering my arse . I realised they were going to try and mount me two at a time , and I started to get up . I was held from every angle by at least four men , and the second rider mounted . He pushed it up deep into my arse , and pumped away a great speed , cumming in less time than it takes to boil an egg . I was once again seized by many hands while he dismounted and another rider took his place . Meanwhile the old man was still hard and had still not cum . As the man up my arse started to get into a rhythm , I realised that I was getting some sort of thrill out of this anal attack . I relaxed a little and went with the flow ; I started to manoeuvre up and down getting an alternating pulse going between the two riders . The old man was now getting agitated and started cumming , this triggered my orgasm , and within seconds the other man was shooting up my arse . The next hour I was fucked in all holes , by everyone there . Who had what hole , and who was the best fuck I don 't know , it all became a blur . When the last man dismounted , I lay still waiting to see who was coming next , when I felt a tongue licking my cunt . I rose to my elbows to see a small dog lapping away at the fluid running out . I shooed him away with my hand , and was told , " Lay still , he only wants a lick . " I didn 't like the thought , but I knew they would only hold me down if I resisted , so I lay back , closed my eyes and tried to imagine a party situation with a boyfriend licking my cunt . The dog licked away for about a couple of minutes , and then he climbed onto my belly . They knew I wouldn 't lay still for this , and before I had chance to move I was grabbed from all angles . I could feel the dogs little sharp pointed prick stabbing around in all directions ; he didn 't seem to know where to find what he wanted . I was almost starting to find this situation amusing , when it struck target . He wasted no time ; he was in and out like crazy and swelling all the time . By the time he had been fucking for a minute , his prick felt as big as most of the men 's pricks ' that I 'd had up me so far . The men relaxed their grip , and I let the dog have his day . He shot his load , pulled out , and ran round like a mad thing squirting spunk as he went . I was about to get up when I realised that there was a big man that I hadn 't seen before standing watching . " This is the farmer , " said Bill . " So , you 're Virginia . " Pause . " I 'm not used to following a dog , when I want to fuck a bitch , but in your case I think I 'll make an exception . Come on open them legs up wide , I 've got a pair of balls that are swelling and near to exploding . " I didn 't speak , but did as I was told , this was another man who really knew how to fuck , and make it last . By the time we both came I was almost in love with him , but once the ecstasy had subsided , I was back to hating the raping bastard . " Right ! " I said , " Now I 've got you all , you 're spunk 's deep inside me and when they DNA test it , I know where you live , and you 're all going down for rape ! " " Get the silly bitch tied down astride those bales in that stall down there , and I 'll be back , " the farmer snapped . They did as they were told , manhandled me back down the ladder and across to one of the empty stalls where I was tied down . They positioned me laid on my belly on a couple of hay bales , tied my hands and feet to the bottom planks either side of the stall . The farmer returned with a Great Dane , who recognised the female form in this position . This was obvious , because a soon as he saw me his weapon slid from its sheath , and he bounded around behind me and mounted . Not for him an aimless stabbing , the second thrust met its mark , and up he went , boy was he big and rapidly getting bigger . He was banging away , and the farmer was videoing the whole event . Now I know I was tied , and being raped , but the old hormones , and my silly cunt don 't understand this situation . The juices started , and I was once again getting into the swing . I couldn 't stop myself , no matter how much I tried . His prick was long and fat , but as he thrust harder there appeared to be some sort of bulge in the base of his prick . As I 've said I 've done some wild things in my younger partying days , and this reminded me of a competition I had with another girl at a party . We lay on the floor , removed our knickers , and tried to see who could get a wine bottle up their cunts the furthest . Getting the neck in was easy , but by competitor , who was a single mother , managed to get the body of the bottle up about two inches . I lost that competition , but my cunt has been well used since then , and this swollen lump in the dog 's dick was making my cunt stretch , I didn 't scream , even though it was hurting . Then I was aware that the lump was like a ball , and it had entered my cunt , and was resting securely inside . The dog 's thrusts no longer took his prick in and out , but his prick was swelling and contracting with each thrust . I was now being helped off the bales , and was no longer tied . I couldn 't drop to the floor , as I was stuck on his prick . I had to stand legs and arms stretched , under this massive dog . He walked me round the barn pumping all the time , and the farmer filming . Nobody was holding me , but I couldn 't escape ! Then the dog shot his load , and like the little dog started running round excited , but I was still on his prick . Then he dismounted , and was facing the other way , but I was still firmly attached . He was still eager to run round , dragging me backwards , to everyone 's amusement . All the time I could feel the spunk still squirting into my cunt . After a few minutes the farmer said , " Ok . Lets calm him down , and get her back in the stalls . " Someone grabbed the dog , and put a bowl of dog food down in front of him . Just like a man once he 's had a fuck , food is his next love . He calmed down instantly , and within seconds the swelling subsided , and I was led back to the stalls , where I was re - tied . What next I thought , I didn 't have long to wait . " Clip . Clop . " I could recognise the sound of horse hooves , and they were coming into the barn ! No I thought . They wouldn 't . I could now feel the hot breath on my back . They were going to get the horse to ride me ! I 'd often ridden horses in the past but I never thought the rolls would be reversed . He was brought alongside , and moved sideways so that he was above me . The farmer came around to my head knelt down , and said quietly , " If I let him mount you while you 're tied , he will ram you till you black out . If you promise to be a good girl and give us a good show , I 'll get you untied . We 'll tether the horse back so you can control how much you take , but I 'll expect you to have at least ten inches up inside you . " I was asked if I was scared of horses , I said I 'd been riding them for years . I was told to put on some clothes that had been brought , and I was soon dressed like a school girl . My small build allowed me to carry off the illusion . I mounted the horse as instructed , and thought about making an escape . They must have read my thoughts , and they pointed out that there was a rope on one of the horse 's hooves , out of camera shot , but still effective as a restraint . I rode the horse out into the yard , and returned with the cameras running ; I dismounted , walked the horse to the stall , and tethered him . As this was to be a silent video they were able to instruct me what was wanted every step of the way . I was told that it was going to be used for blackmail purposes , to make sure I didn 't cry rape . They realised I was rich , and would not like my circle of friends to see me fucking a horse of my own free will . I reached down and rubbed the sheath that I knew contained a sleeping giant . The giant awoke , slowly at first , and as the pink flesh appeared , I leaned under and used my tongue . The more I wet its length , the longer it got , I stretched my mouth over its flowery end , and flicked the hole with my tongue . The reaction changed , it rapidly started swelling . I removed my blouse , I hadn 't got a bra on , I rubbed the prick around my tits . Then I bent down removed my knickers , put one legs on a bale , and rubbed his prick against my cunt . This was now going past a show , my cunt was back in overdrive , and each time I stroked the end passed my hole , we could all see it open , as if it had some sort of trigger mechanism . A few seconds of this was all I could stand , and I was removing my skirt , and lying back on the bales . Out of camera shot a couple of men manoeuvred the horse above me and I reached for the now fully awakened giant prick . I didn 't know what to expect , but the farmer knelt down , and said , " If I was you I 'd slide up the bales a bit , cos when you put him in he 'll go like mad , and try to get it right up . If you let him find the end of his tether , you can then work yourself back down to get more prick as you want it . " I thought that was kind of him , so I did as advised . I fed the flowery knob end into my throbbing hole , and whoosh , it was like being inflated with a pump . He pushed hard against his tether , the big fat piston inflating my belly with each pump . My first thoughts were , god , I 'm glad I didn 't let him fuck me while I was tied . My second thoughts were , god , I hope the tether holds . Once we 'd got going the excess air trapped in my belly seemed to disappear , and his thrusting started to be enjoyable , even though it was very painful . I know that 's a contradiction , but unless you 've experienced it , you can 't know what I mean . I started to edge my way back down the bale to receive more prick . I did this without being asked to by the farmer , but as soon as he saw what I was doing , he smiled and said , " I knew you were a film star when I saw you with that little terrier . This is one great video . " This was without doubt one of the best experiences I have ever had , the pace of his thrusting , the length of stroke , the way the size stretches my belly , and the explosion at the end . How many gallons of cum has a horse got ? I was helped to my feet , and found it difficult to walk . I sat on the edge of a bale wiping myself down , the spunk had gone everywhere . I stank of horse cum . At that point the farmer gave me a small mini - dress , and said , " I think you aught to get dressed as quick as possible , I phoned your husband about ten minutes ago , and he 'll be here soon . Don 't forget the word rape is a nasty one , and this video would make interesting viewing in the local area . " I put on the bra and dress , and stood up ; I was still a bit shaky . I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a piece of glass that was leaned against the wall . I stood there using it as a mirror ; the dress didn 't come down low enough to cover my fanny . He didn 't answer , he was lost for words . I grabbed the shoes and made my way back down ; meanwhile the farmer was talking loudly to my husband . " I 'll tell you what mate . We 've only known your misses for an hour , but we 've all come to love her in a very short time . Even the horse fell in love with her " The journey home was terrible ; the questions went on for days . I never thought I 'd ever visit that farm again , how wrong can a girl be . Still that 's another story that I will tell if anyone is interested in mailing me . I think its time for my bed now . " Come on Bruce , that 's a good dog . No don 't be impatient , wait till we get upstairs . " Why " Lady Virginia 's Night to Remember ? " Well my official title is Lady Virginia , the Great Dane was named Titan , almost titanic , and the horse was a grey stallion call Iceberg , and did he sure rip my hull open . |
Beau has been with me for the last 8 years . I adopted him from a local shelter . It was hard to tell his age as his teeth were in bad shape from rock chewing . Best guess , he was 5ish . So , my old boy is now 13ish . . . It is getting close to that time where we will have to make a decision for my old boy . We had all hoped he would make it to Christmas this year , as it is his favorite holiday ! ! He did , and had a great one ! Tonight , Beau was different . Not as chatty , a little more limpy , and for the first time ever , I saw sadness in his eyes . I do not claim to know a lot about anything , but I do know dogs . . . . . My big love came over to me while we were all playing " Don 't Spill the Beans " , breathed a heavy sigh and laid down in my lap . I stroked his head and hugged him . He groaned and sighed . He looked up at me with his sad eyes , and my eyes welled with tears . . . It was as if to say " Mom , Christmas was wonderful , but it is time " . I held him and cried . My daughter cried . My husband cried . The other three dogs came an laid with us ( there is never that much calm in my house ! ) . The discussion with my 5 year old hit a new level tonight . Beau is her favorite and she is heartbroken . So , please send some good thoughts to my good , old labby . We will be seeing if there are any other options at this point , but he will not suffer . He has been an amazing old friend . Loving , kind and funny . Taking care of his needs is the very least I can do for everything that old boy has done for me . . . . . When Bruno was younger , he went EVERYWHERE with me . I was on the local fire department , and he even went on calls with me ! On one call , Bruno waited in my truck for me to return . When I got back to the station Bruno was so excited to see me ! ! I walked over to the truck to bring him inside and he was bounding everywhere . I heard the distinct " Click " of the door locking ! ! ! ! When parking at the firehouse , we left our keys in the car in case our vehicles needed to be moved . . . . . There stood Bruno , locked in the truck , baying at the top of his lungs ! ! We tried everything to get the truck unlocked , with no luck . I had to call my Dad to go get my keys and come to the firehouse . Bruno jumped and howled for about half an hour until we broke him free ! He jumped out and wiggled his way to the firehouse , happy to greet everyone ! As I sit , getting ready to go to sleep on this wonderful Christmas Eve ; I am surrounded . . . Surround by love . Surrounded by 1 old , minature beagle , with whom I have now spent 12 Christmas Eves with . He has been there when many have not . He has given me the true meaning of Christmas - unconditional love . I am surrounded by a very large mastiff , who is snoring and exhausted from stealing a very large piece of beef tonight . She ran outside with it and gulped it down . She came back inside , sheepishly wagging her tail , as if to say " sorry , but thanks , it was good ! " I am surrounded by a farting bulldog . . . Perhaps not such a lovely Christmas thought , but he is a lovely dog . He was the hit of our Christmas party last night and really made people smile . So , this post is not about my current dogs , but ones I grew up with . Valentine ( a golden ) , Tank ( a golden ) and Crash ( a lab mix ) . This time of year reminds me of my Mom , who passed away 14 years ago . She loved the holidays ! LOVED Christmas . SO I always think her of her a little it more than usual this time of year . My Mom and I always had a " date " for Wednesday nights to watch " Beverly Hills , 90210 " . I worked for a treatment center and usually called Mom during lunch . One particular Wednesday , the boys were acting up and I could not get away . So , I waited until I got home to talk to her . When I got home , it was eerily quiet . Usually , I would be greeted by barks and tail wags . I pulled in and heard nothing . . . I went into the house , still quiet . I heard the TV downstairs on " snow " with that loud humming sound . I called to my Mom and got no response . I looked downstairs , and my Mom had died . Laying in the room we called " the pit " . . . . . She had a heart attack . As sad and painful as it all was , she was surrounded . . . All three dogs were with her . Laying by her side . One had a toy , the other had a ball , the third just laid with her . I remember the faces that I saw when they looked up at me ; so sad , so peaceful . . . . I can 't prove it , but I am certain they were with her all afternoon . Once they knew it was ok to leave her side , they began comforting me and continued to do so for many years . Dogs are wonderful . Dogs are amazing . Dogs are unconditional love defined . . . . . . . May your dogs give you peace , joy and love on your worst days . . . . and your best days ! I was reading a magazine about bulldogs today . . . I began to think about Louie and what a wonderful companion he has become . I will give it to you straight - Louie is disgusting . He burps . He farts . He is constantly dirty . He drools more water on the floor than he gets in the house . But , Louie is the kindest , sweetest , most loving dog I have ever met . Louie loves his people . Actually , he loves all people , unless they are infringing on his house or HIS people ! I have recently changed jobs ( to a dream job ) , which has allowed me more time with my family and my dogs . I am now able to take my daughter to school every morning . Louie has decided that this is his job too ! It started about a week ago as a power struggle between the two of us . We were running late for school . I opened the gate to go to the garage and Louie bolted past me and ran downstairs . " Louie , get your butt up here NOW ! ! " Nope . He wanted us to take him . . . Well , after several minutes , I won . Lou stayed home . The next day , we were even later for school ! I opened the gate , Lou bolted . This time he went all the way downstairs . I followed , cursing . . . When I came around the corner , there was Louie , shaking , wiggling and smiling ! He was sooooooo excited and wanted to go . Lou won this one . Since that day Louie has accompanied us to school in the morning , and sometimes in the afternoons for pick up . It makes him so happy . It makes my daughter and I giggle , and start our morning off in a great mood ! Yesterday , Louie got to come into the classroom with us ! I have never seen a dog so excited ! I really thought he was going to come out of his skin ! ! The kids loved Louie . Louie loved the kids ! Louie is now the talk of kindergarten ! The morale of the story - Louie may be gross , he may be stinky . . . . . but he makes anyone he meets smile . He makes me happy . He continues to teach me the true definition of unconditional love ! ! Bruno had been staying at the vet for a few weeks . He was still barely eating and drinking little water . The weekend was coming . No one staffed the vet 's office on Sundays , so we were prepared to bring Bruno home on Saturday and take care of him . I was going to have to give him shots , IV fluids and medications . I was prepared , and thought being home might be good for him . I was told on Saturday that " she " did not want Bruno to be released and " she " wanted him to stay at the office over the weekend . Again , I had to advocate for my little man . I was pissed that " she " wanted to keep him in the office , on Sunday , when NO ONE would be there . If something went wrong , they would not find Bruno until Monday morning , when it could be too late . If he came home , we would be with him and ready to do something if needed . Bruno came home . He was so sick . He was so exhausted . But he was happy to be home ! I took vital signs every hour . I gave him fluids through a needle 4 times a day . I gave him shots every few hours . . . . He did well on Saturday . On Sunday , he took a downhill turn . He began to vomit . We decided he need to go to the doggie emergency room . When we got there , I explained everything to the vet . The vet gave Bruno a heavy duty medication that the owner of my regular clinic refused to buy or give . It turned out to be a miracle drug ! Bruno began to feel better ! ! He started to eat and drink small amounts on his own . I called Dr . Lynne on the way home and she was as excited as I was ! ! She called the emergency vet the next day and order some of the miracle drug for Bruno . He was showing signs of hope ! ! We continued to go back to the clinic , EVERYDAY for a couple of months . He was getting ultra sounds weekly to look at the pus pockets ( the ultra sound doc did not make us pay for many of them , as we were already racking up a huge medical bill ) . I was still giving him shots and heavy duty anitbiotics and taking his vital signs frequently . Then it happened . . . . About 6 months after that awful night that Bruno was taken into surgery , we had another ultra sound . Dr . Lynne , Dr . Dawn , the ultra sound doc , the front office and of course Bruno , my daughter and I were nervous ! ! We went into the ultra sound room and flipped the little guy on his side . She began to check the area where the largest and most stubborn pus pocket had formed . The room was so quiet . . . But wait , she couldn 't find it ! ! ! IT WAS GONE ! ! ! ! ! ! Bruno was completely healed ! ! ! ! I couldn 't believe it ! The vets couldn 't believe it , the office couldn 't believe it . HE WAS HEALED ! ! ! We all had tears in our eyes ! Bruno was a fighter and he had won this battle ! Almost three years later , I sit here typing , with my 12 year old buddy , Bruno , laying next to me . What a blessing ! He was like a new dog when he finally felt better . No more blockage , no more pancreatitis , no more infections ! For the first time since my husband and I had been together , he saw Bruno play ! ! That blocked intestine had been causing Bruno a great deal of problems for many years . We just didn 't know how bad until he was all better ! There are so many people to thank for helping Bruno get through this . . . . Dr . Lynne , you are amazing ! I am so glad we met that night , so is Bruno ! ! ! Dr . Dawn , you , too are amazing ! You have been such a wonderful vet for so many years , and you finally got that nose lick you always wanted ! ! ! ! ! The office staff , the techs , the ultra sound doc , my family and the community for all being there - to listen , to let me cry , to hug me ! You guys are ALL AMAZING ! ! ! Each and everyone of you have been a blessing to us , and we have our Bruno Bear to prove it ! ! THANK YOU ! ! ! I can 't remember exactly the timeline of when this occurred , but I believe it was shortly after we figured out Bruno had pancreatitis . . . . I went in just before closing one night to check on Bruno and get an update from Dr . Lynne . Dr . Lynne seemed a little off , a little upset . I asked her what what wrong . The conversation went something like this . . . . Me " The hell you are . Where is she " ? " She " was the owner of the clinic . " She " had never impressed me . " She " had always rubbed me the wrong way . . . The ONLY reason I took my dogs to her clinic was because of Dr . Dawn ! and now , Dr . Lynne as well . The office called " her " so I could speak to her . I was pissed ! My baby , Bruno , had been saved by Dr . Lynne . She and Dr . Dawn were the only people who were allowed to treat my animals . Period . I explained this to the owner . " She " told me that she was the owner and asked is she got any credit ? ? ? Ummmmm , no . " She " did nothing for any of my dogs . I met her once and immediately did not like her . I explained to her that my dog 's treatment was MY decision , not hers ; and that my decision was that Dr . Lynne and Dr . Dawn would be the only vets touching Bruno . I explained to her that she rubbed me the wrong way the first time I had met her and that I did not like her . I told her that because of me , MANY people came to her clinic to see Dr . Dawn . I explained those people could easily leave as well . I WAS FURIOUS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Bruno was my dog , my family . The conversation did not go well for the high and mighty owner . . . . I hung up and walked out to the waiting room , where the entire staff was waiting . I simply said , " Lynne , you and Dr . Dawn will be continuing to treat Bruno " . Enough said . I went back to visit Bruno the next day . There was no improvement . Actually , it was getting worse . He was refusing to eat . He was starting to refuse water . Again , I laid with him and talked to him . No wags , no licks , nothing but sad , sad eyes . . . . I gave him my finger with water on it and he licked a tiny bit . Everyday that week , I went back with multiple jars of baby food and canned dog foods . I would try everything until he ate . . FINALLY , he took some after I wiped it on his nose ! ! ! Dr . Lynne , Dr . Dawn and I were all so excited ! ! ! I usually came at lunch and Dr . Lynne would sit with us . She was amazing ! She was so patient , kind and meticulous . I am so grateful that we had her and Dr . Dawn taking care of our little guy ! Bruno was in the hospital for a week . He wouldn 't eat . He stopped drinking . I visited everyday . I would lay on the floor with him and pet him and cry . Occasionally he would lick my nose . I would bring him a different flavor of canned food or baby food everyday . Nothing worked . They decided to do an ultra sound to see why he wasn 't eating and why he was so depressed . The news wasn 't good . . . He had several " pus pockets " in his intestines . He had an infection . On top of that , he had pancreatitis . As if the surgery wasn 't enough , the poor guy was now super , super sick . Massive , high dose antibiotics began . Could this get any worse ? I remembered the first day I met him and what an awesome dog and companion he had been . I began to face the painful reality that Bruno may not make it through this awful ordeal . I sobbed the whole way home that night . I got home and sat on the floor with my other dogs and cried and cried . I explained to my little girl that Bruno was very sick and I was not sure if he would ever come home from the hospital . She sat down and cried with me . . . I would go back tomorrow and talk to Bruno about his possible fate . . . . The next day , I went to the vet 's office to check on my beagle bear . . . . He looked awful ! He looked sad . He perked up a tiny bit when he saw me . . . . I even got a tail wag and nose kiss ! I got to sit on the floor of the room and visit with him for a while . He cuddled up on a blanket next to me and slept . We layed there for an hour . It was so heartbreaking ! I talked to Dr . Lynne , and she said that Bruno had a long road ahead of him . He had just undergone major surgery , and recovery would be tough . He wasn 't eating or drinking yet . That would be the first of many hurdles for Bruno . . . . Forgive me for not blogging . . . . I have had an awful migraine for the lasy 2 days . . . I will say that the essence of unconditional love is found in a dog . . . When I came home in tears , all 4 of my brood were waiting with hugs and tail wags . They have spent the last 2 days in bed with me . Occassionally licking me to make sure I was ok ! I 'm lucky to have them . Bruno is my baby . I got him when I was single . I have grown up with him . He has been through happiness , sorrow and life with me . I adore him . . . . . He has always had belly issues . . . He had been vomitting for a couple of hours and it was Friday , so I thought I would take him to get checked before the weekend . . . . My whole weekend was about to change drastically . Our normal vet , Dr . Dawn , who is AMAZING , was not in . So they asked if I would mind seeing Dr . Lynne , Who I had not yet met . I said sure , I was sure it wasn 't anything major , he always pukes . So we got there . Dr . Lynne did an exam and said just to be safe , she would like to do an xray . I thought sure , he 's my baby , just to be safe . I had an instant connection with Lynne . They took my buddy back for the xray . . . Bruno came back and we sat and waited . I figured they would say " pepcid and bland diet " . Dr Lynne came back . The conversation went something like this . . . . She took my little buddy . I was in shock . I was in tears . I got up and walked out numb . They said they would call . She said it would take about an hour . I had to go home , without Bruno and tell my husband and little girl . This was turning out to be a very horrible start to the weekend ! I waited an hour . Nothing . An hour and half . . . . two hours . . . . I was on facebook and saw that one of the vet tech 's was online . I begged her to call and find out what was going on . She did . They were still working on him ! ! ! OM MY GOD . . . . . Finally , the phone rang . I think it was about 3 1 / 2 hours later . . . Lynne told me he was out of surgery , but he had a long way to go . His entire intestine was blocked , everywhere . . . . by gobs and gobs of hair ! ! ! Bruno had always been a licker , so it was probably 10 years of hair . Dr . Lynne said she had removed all of the hair , and his intestine , and rinsed it 7 times ! ! Tonight would be a long night for him . My first love , had a very long road ahead of him . . . . I didn 't sleep at all that night , or many more to come . This is the incident that finally caused me to blog about the dogs . We bought some butter braids for a school fundraiser . You know , the frozen , yeast filled , dough breakfast pastries ? ? They need to rise for at least 8 hours before cooking . So , I put one out on Friday evening to enjoy on Saturday morning . My husband was playing poker that night . Christa and I went upstairs to get ready for bed . I went downstairs to get a snack for Christa . I walked into the kitchen and there was a very empty cookie sheet . No butter braid to be found . . . . Oh My God . . . . It was still frozen ! ! ! ! ! I looked around to make sure I hadn 't " misplaced " it . Then I saw Diva . . . . She looked very guilty . I said " What did you do " ? She ran outside . I began to think about yeast rising , in her stomach . I got worried . So , I called the emergency vet and the animal poison control . Both said watch her , but it could be VERY serious . Butter braids can apparently expand 10 times in a dogs stomach ! Who knew ! ? ! ? ! In addition , the yeast ferments and they can get alcohol poisoning ! ! I was told to watch her carefully , give her ice cubes and gas x . So , off we go to the store . Godiva , Christa in feet pajamas and me , to buy gas x ! ! ! By the time we got home from the store , Diva looked really sick , and she was expanding ! ! ! Off we went to the emergency vet ! We got there and Diva still looked pretty crummy . She was also VERY nervous . Diva does NOT like the vet ! ! ! Into a room we go . The vet comes in and I begin telling her the story . She explains about the expansion and alcohol poisoning . All this time , Diva is freaking out ! Trying to hide from the vet , under me and under the bench . The vet then tells me that she will need to induce vomitting immediately . At the same time , Godiva stands up , and pukes THE ENTIRE BUTTER BRAID , onto the floor ! ! ! It smelled like beer and had already started to expand . He had an exam , which he was extremely wiggly for ! The doctor agreed that he had spontaneous , pulmonary hypertension , which caused him to stopped breathing and for his heart to stop . She explained that bulldogs occassionally had issues with this , as they have a short snout and small nasal passages . She said if nothing was done , he could get worse and eventually die from it . She suggested that he have surgery to help him breathe better and open his airway to alleviate the problem . I agreed , and asked if they could neuter him while he was under , too ! A few days later , we headed back to the hospital . Louie was still his wiggly self and everyone adored him ! They took him back . . . . I watched with tears in my eyes . I was so nervous . A few minutes later , the tech came back and asked if I wanted to watch the surgery . So , my daughter and I decided to watch . I was worried that Christa would freak out watching the surgery , but she was excited . We walked in and behind the glass , there was Louie , with a tube in his mouth , lying on his back . They cut and pulled and prodded . I kept watching the monitors to make sure he was doing ok . His vital signs remained good throughout the surgery . They finished up and came out to talk to us . All had gone perfectly ! ! ! ! We waited until he woke up to snuggle with him n He was so happy to see us and Soooo wiggly ! We were making him to excited so we had to leave . We came back to pick him up the next day . He was doing great ! ! ! 3 years later , he is still doing great ! ! As I was walking downstairs , I looked over the railing into the kitchen , as I always do . . . I saw something large and black ON the kitchen table . I did a double take . . . . There , sleeping on the kitchen table , was a large black lab ! ! ! My Beau . . . . When I came downstairs and asked him what he was doing , he just jumped down and went on his merry way ! Some days , I really wish they could talk ! It was time for Louie to get neutered . We didn 't feed hi after midnight . We headed to the vet and he was super excited to be going on a ride ! We arrived at the vet 's and wished Louie good luck ! They said his surgury would start around 11am . They would call when he was all done . I used to work for a vet , so I know how long a neuter generally takes . I didn 't expect to hear from anyone until at least noon . The phone rang at 11 : 10 , I saw it was the vet . . . . I answered the phone " What 's wrong ? " . Dr . Dawn , our amazing vet said , " Laurie , Louie just stopped breathing on the table , we are trying to get him back . I knew you 'd want to know . " . That was it . . . I hung up the phone and began to sob . Louie had already won our hearts in the short time we had known him . I had to explain , in kid terms , to my daughter ( then 2 ) why I was crying . I had to call my husband . Joe got very choked up when I told him . We all sat around and waited , not so patiently , for the next phone call . About an hour later , the phone rang . I was preparing myself for the worst . . . . Dr . Dawn said , " Laurie , we got him back ! But he is not neutered . . . " I was so pleased ! What a huge relief . This was when we learned of all the potential bulldog issues . . . We went to pick the little stinker up and Dr . Dawn told us we should go see a specialist - a cardiologist ! ! ! Really , we have a dog that needs a cardiology consult ? ? ? ? It was believed that Louie had spontaneous , pulmonary hypertension , which caused him to die on the surgery table . . . . Off we go to one , of only two dog cardiologists in Colorado ! ! Posted by My daughter got to trick or treat twice this year . The first was at her school 's " Trunk or Treat " She filled her bucket and her witches hat that night . She put both , filled with candy , in her room for safe keeping . When getting ready tonight , for Halloween , we couldn 't find her witches hat . . . We all looked at Diva . Then we went outside . . . There was the witches hat - SHREDDED into pieces , and no candy in sight . Diva had eaten all of the candy , and the witches hat . We had to run to the store to find a new witches hat before Trick or Treating tonight . When we got home , Christa had a HUGE bag filled with candy . She looked at Diva and said " You 've already had your Halloween candy " . Happy Halloween ! ! ! For some reason , I decided that English Bulldogs were cute . We had a baby , 3 dogs and a lot on our plates . I really didn 't " need " another dog . I knew that . . . . But still , I continued to read about bulldogs . So , I asked Joe if he wanted to go look at some . Just look . . . . . We all packed up the car and went to " look " . There were 2 there and the white one was ADORABLE ! ! ! ! We asked to hold him and play with him . . . . oops . Our daughter was a little afraid of him , but then he licked her . I looked at Joe with MY puppy dog face . We left with the adorable little bulldog ! ! When we brought him home , we had a heck of a time with a name . Originally he had a pretty boring name ( I don 't recall what it was now ) . The next day I took him to the vet for his first vet check up . He was a holy terror in the car ! ! ! ! I called Joe and told him I was changing his name . . . . to Lucifer ! ! ! It fit . Now , we only call him Lucifer when he is naughty . At all other times , he is lovingly know as Louie . Louie is the sweetest , gentlest , stinkiest , grossest , and so ugly he 's cute dog that I have ever know . His personality is bigger than life ! He has provided us much laughter and stories over the years . Louie is now 4 years old and still a big goof ! Diva has eaten many , many things , including a cell phone , an i - pod , several remote controls and anything she can find on the counter . When Christa was really getting mobile , she was in between the high chair and sitting at the table . . . We couldn 't decide if we should get rid of the high chair or not , so Diva made the decision for us ! We caught her chewing on the wooden high chair a couple of times , and scolded her . One day , we went on a short trip to the grocery store . When we came home , Diva had helped us with our high chair decision . She had eaten ENTIRELY through 2 of the bottom rungs . The high chair was no longer stable or safe . As Joe went to take it down to the garage , he looked at Diva . She looked back with an expression on her face , as if to say , " Christa is too big for that Dad " ! ! Joe and I were shopping and I was showing our beautiful baby ( 3 months old ) , puppies . My husband , who , in case you have forgotten , was NOT a dog guy prior to meeting me , went missing . We looked around and I finally heard " Honey , she wants to come home with us " . I turn around to see Joe , holding a 3 month old mastiff puppy ! She was waving her paw at me . . . She was very cute , but I had a baby and was EXHAUSTED ! ! Joe explained to me that our daughter needed a puppy to grow up with and a LARGE dog to protect her . Odd as it was , I said no . The puppy , and Joe gave me a puppy eyed look . I said let 's go to lunch and talk about it . We ate . We talked . . . . I caved . . . . We went back and brought Lady Godiva home . Her birthday is 5 days after my daughter . What in God 's name was I thinking ? ? ? ? About 2 years after Joe and I were married , I got pregnant . I think Bruno and Beau knew before I did . They went from climbing all over me , all the time , to carefully avoiding my belly at all costs ! They helped with the new baby laundry . They helped with the painting . They helped with the crib . They took naps , LOTs of naps , with me ! I had a really rough pregnancy filled with LOTS and LOTS of sickness . The only thing I could keep down were tomatoes and TUMs ! ! ! We were at Costco one day and I decided the industrial size bottle of TUMs was necessary ! A few weeks later , we returned home from errands . . . . My industrial sized bottle of Tums was opened and EMPTY on the floor ! ! Bruno is a very picky eater , so I knew it was Beau . . . Yet another eating related phone call to the vet . . . She asked me if they were Tums with calcium , uh , yes they were . " Laurie bring him in " . Shit , really , again ? ? ? ? ? Beau was acting fine , and of course , still begging . They drew his blood and sent it out . Calcium can apparently , really screw a dog up ! Well , most dogs . Not Beau . He was FINE . No trace of anything or any problems . Geez , this dog can eat anything ! ! A couple of months later we were blessed with a beautiful little girl . When we brought her home , Beau and Bruno welcomed her immediately . Beau would lay outside of her room and Bruno next to her crib . They remain very protective of her to this day , 5 years later ! Joe was watching TV and I was getting ready for work . I cam out of the bedroom and kissed him goodbye . I pet Bruno and Beau and of I went . Joe was still sitting on the couch when I closed the garage door . Apparently , Beau thought that we had left together . Beau walked into the kitchen and jumped on the counter . He took an entire loaf of bread off of the counter and walked into the den ( where Joe was sitting ) . He saw Joe , forcefully spit out the loaf of bread and walked out of the room . Beauregard is a garbage gut . He has been since the day I met him . He will eat ANYTHING ! ! ! He has been know to eat coffee grounds , raw ground beef , bread , meatloaf and the list goes on and on . . . We had 200 guests coming to the wedding and I had decided to make all of the center pieces and favors myself . I had finished the center pieces - beautiful candles , and I was almost done with the favors . I was making 200 , chocolate filled , organza bags . They took me weeks to finish and they looked beautiful ! I had special ordered the chocolate ( and it was delicious ! ) . I had FINALLY finished all of the favors . Off I went to a dress fitting ! I arrived home full of happiness and excitement . I walked up the stairs and saw wrappers all over the floor . I looked down the hallway , they were everywhere . HOLY SH * * . . . . . the chocolates ! ! ! I ran into the room where the favors had been . They were all , yes all 200 , destroyed ! I looked at the dogs , Bruno was wagging and Beau bent his head and ran away . I didn 't know whether to be mad or worried , as Beau had just eaten several pounds of chocolate ! Joe and I had been dating for 6 months . I had planned to surprise him after work and take him for a romantic getaway . . . He was planning on proposing ! Since I had to work , Joe stopped by my house to take care of Bruno and Beau . I was sitting at work and the phone rang . I saw it was Joe , so I answered quickly . This is how the conversation went . . . . I still had 3 hours to go on my shift . I sat there , feeling helpless . I became restless . The tears started to come . I left work and headed home . On my way home , I called my Dad and step - mom and my brother . Everyone was out looking for them . Joe called and told me Beau was home . He came home on his own . I asked about Bruno , my first baby . . . No sign of him . My heart sunk , I began to sob . We all continued to look for several hours and we did not find Bruno . I was so relieved that I had asked Joe to put their collars on . . . the collars never got on . . . . This was the angriest Joe had ever ( and to this day has ever ) seen me . We went inside and I opened the back door and turned on the porch light , thinking that would help Bruno find his way home . I even put hot dogs on the grill hoping to entice him home . I laid on the couch with Beau all night , hoping , praying and staring at the door . Bruno was out in the mountains , with the wildlife and highways . He was only 18 pounds . He didn 't have a chance . But that didn 't stop me from hoping . The next day I made many , HUGE , bright signs . My Dad and step - mom offered to put up half of a huge reward . I put posters EVERYWHERE ! I posted it on the computer , I called vets , I called shelters . . . . no Bruno , anywhere . . . And then , the calls started coming in - frequently . There were many Bruno sightings . Everytime someone would call , my ENTIRE family would rush out of the house to look for him . He was never there . . . and then the calls stopped . It had been almost 2 weeks and we hadn 't heard from anyone for a while . I was sure he was gone for good . Beau was , too . He was so upset about his buddy , that he made himself sick and ended up in the ER with an ulcer ! ! ! He had to spend the night in the ER . So , I went home to an empty house , without a single snuggle buddy . Early the next morning , the phone rang . I was sure Beau had gotten worse , or even died during the night . This phone call went like this : I hung up the phone and rushed to get dressed . I then realized , I had not asked WHICH school ! ! ? ? ! ! ? ? ! ! I drove to the junior high , where there had been Bruno sightings . I pulled up into the circle drive at the front and 2 men came out of the door , followed by a small and very tired beagle ! ! ! ! ! I was so happy to see Bruno ! I cried and cried and thanked the men . I was so excited I never even asked where he was or how long they had him ! Bruno looked great ! He only had a tiny scratch on his back paw ! And he looked very , very tired . We went home , I called , and woke up , my dad to tell him . He was just as happy ! While we talked , Bruno searched for Beau , who was not home . Bruno was sad , so I had to tell him the good news that happened while he was gone . Joe and Mommy were getting married ! ! He was going to have a Daddy ! He wagged his tail and then we both passed out in my bed ! Later that day , I took Bruno to the ER to see Beau . Beau perked right up , as did Bruno . Beau was released the next day ! We all began the wedding plans ! By 2002 , I had given up on love and the hope of ever finding the perfect mate . Then I met him . . . . Joe lost a bet and had to take me to dinner . . . We were inseparable after that . I had a previous relationship where I was asked to move in with someone . In the same sentence , I was told , " you can 't bring your dog " ( I should have known then ) . So , I told Joe that if he was interested in me , he needed to be interested in my dogs , too ! Joe was not a big dog guy when we met ! ! ! He would come over and Beau would talk to him . Bruno , however , would turn his nose up at him . Joe would offer to walk the dogs . . . . Beau would go , Bruno would not . Joe would say " Come " , Bruno would go the other way . Joe would feed them , Bruno wouldn 't eat . Bruno made it very clear that there was not room in his world for someone who would take his Mommy 's attention away . Little did he know , he would grow to love Joe . . . . eventually . . . I took Bruno to his third or fourth vet check up . He just wasn 't growing . He was eating , drinking and thriving . but he wasn 't growing . The vet examined him and said he looked great . He was a healthy beagle . Several years after Bruno , my roommate got a new job and was moving away . I decided Bruno needed a friend to keep him company while I was at work . I went to the local shelter and found an australian shepard puppy . He was adorable . I took him home to meet Bruno . . . The meeting did not go well . The puppy bit Bruno three times in the first hour . Bruno was scared . I took the puppy back to the shelter . I left in tears , no friend for Bruno . Over the next few weeks , I would check out the shelter 's website and would always be disappointed . Until one day . . . . It was a Sunday morning and I rolled out of bed . I checked my email in my jammies . I decided to look at the shelter 's website . There he was - " Bo " . . . . a handsome black lab , that someone dumped . I called them to see if he was still available . The lady remembered me and told me he was still there , but a couple was coming in an hour to meet him ! I raced around the house , putting on acceptable clothes . I didn 't do my hair . It looked as if I had come out of a tornado , and the tornado won ! I hopped in my car and flew to the shelter . I met " Bo " and fell in love . He nudged me and " spoke " . He even " sat handsome " . I was told he had been a rock chewer , so it was hard to judge his age by his teeth . They thought he was around 5 . I decided to bring him home for another meet with Bruno . I was nervous , " Bo " was excited . I opened the door to the house and Bruno ran out . . . . He sniffed " Bo " , " Bo " sniffed him . Bruno welcomed him into his home and showed him around . The have been best friends for the last 7 years ! I changed " Bo 's " name to Beauregard ( Beau ) . A bit more distinguished and original . It also made it easy for him to know his name . I soon found out that poor Beau had been through a lot . Probably dumped by his family , for whatever awful reason . He didn 't have food , so he ate rocks . He was literally skin and bones when he came to live with us . His now silky , black coat was dirty , ratty and brown . The most heartbreaking moment was when Beau had an xray . We found out that Beau had been shot ! ! The poor guy still has several BBs in his body today . Beau is getting older , he turns 12 this month . To this day , he has been goofy , loving and wonderful . He has won the heart of our daughter , who says " I never want old Beau Beau to go to heaven " . . . Neither do I . . . . Twelve years ago , I was living in an apartment , with a hamster . . . I missed my dogs . It was Christmas time and my brother and I went to the mall to shop . As always , I insisted on going to the pet store to get my fill of puppies . When we walked in , there was an adorable little beagle in the center , wanting to be held . I picked him up and he kissed me , with his wonderful puppy breath . I left him there , tears in my eyes , a wag in his tail . . . . My grandfather sent me a check for Christmas that year . My best friend , Jenny , and I went to the mall to spend some of my gift . As usual , we went to the pet store . Unbeknownst to Jenny , this time , I was looking for someone . I walked up and down the aisle , searching . . . . Jenny asked me what I was looking for . I told her a beagle . She said , " Well there is a beagle in the front window " ! I raced to the front of the store . . . . there he was , my little beagle friend ! I asked to hold him , even as Jenny said , " Nooooooooooooooo , don 't hold him " ! I held him . I hugged him and snuggled him ; and then it happened . . . He kissed my nose . I was done . I heard myself saying , " I 'll take him " . Did I mention , my apartment did not allow dogs ? ? ? His first scary encounter happened shortly after meeting me . . . I had to work that night , so we just headed to Jenny 's house , which was near work . When we got there , with the adorable , tiny , 8 week old beagle , Jenny 's malamute tried to eat him ! ! Poor little guy . That night , he went to work with me . I kept him in a cardboard box under my console . I was a 911 operator . As I was bending over to pet him , I keyed my microphone ( not knowing ) . I began to say things like " you are so cute " , " I love you " and " I am so happy you are mine " . All of these went over the airwaves to all of the cops I was dispatching ! After giving me a hard time , they all came in and said similar things to my new best friend . I named him " Brunobear , the beagleman " . He is now known to all as my beloved Bruno . . . This blog was created on behalf of my 4 crazy , lovable dogs , who are constantly providing stories for me and my family and friends . My best friend suggested I begin blogging about my crazy group after an incident involving a butter braid . . . I have been a dog lover as long for as long as I remember . I was even voted " most likely to be arrested for having too many animals " my senior year in high school . . . . Bruno is a 12 year old , minature beagle that has been with me longer than my husband or daughter . With the exception of my parents , brother and a couple of great friends , I have had the longest relationship of my life with Bruno . He is kind , sweet and excessively stubborn ! Beau is an almost 12 year old ( I think ) black lab . I rescued him almost 7 years ago when my roommate moved away and I thought Bruno needed a friend . He is needy , mouthy and oh so sweet . Prior to him living with me , he was a rock chewer and VERY skinny . He is now fat and happy , minus the rocks ! Diva is a beautiful , 5 year old mastiff . She was my husband 's pick , very shortly after the birth of our daughter . My husband thought our infant daughter needed a big watchdog in her life . Diva is 5 days younger than my daughter ( what were we thinking ! ! ) Louie is a 4 year old english bulldog . He is stubborn , feisty , disgusting and truly the sweetest dog I have ever met ! We got him because he was " cute " . He initially had a different , less descriptive name , until I rode in the car with him on the way to his first vet check up . . . . |
It was a Friday night early in October and it was cold and raining . Ed was following a car at a distance down the lonely stretch of state highway Route 9 . He saw the brake lights come on momentarily and then saw the car ahead of him speed up . When he reached the place where the brake lights came on he saw two people , one large and one small one , huddled by the side of the road . He slowed down as he approached and stopped a few feet before them so his lights would illuminate the two . The woman , an adult spoke , " Would you give us a ride into town ? Something happened to the steering on my car and it went off the road back behind you a ways . " The woman was trembling and he could see a child shivering beside her . " Get in . The car is warm and you can tell me where you want to go . " Ed leaned over and pushed the passenger door open as the woman grasped the kid 's hand and came around the car . The woman was having trouble getting into the front seat and winced when the kid climbed onto her lap . " Thank you for stopping . Three cars went by and nobody stopped . I guess they didn 't want to get involved . " Ed turned the interior light on and he could see a bruise on the woman 's cheek . " Did you get hurt ? Do you want to go to the emergency room ? That bump looks pretty bad . How about the police ? Do you want to report the accident ? " " No , I 'll be all right . No police please . We are just cold and wet . I 'm worried about my daughter Cindy . I 'm afraid she is coming down with something and being wet and cold is going to make her worse . We will be okay just as soon as we can find some place to get dry . " Ed paused before he asked , " I guess you might be running away from something or someone . " The woman seemed to be evaluating how much she wanted to divulge , so he said , " Look lady , I sense you are in real trouble . My name is Ed Bowen . I 've lived around here forever . My home is about three miles up ahead . Town is about four miles farther on . If you want to stop with me temporarily , I have plenty of room . You can at least get warm and I can take you into town after that . Would that be okay ? " " Just to get warm would be wonderful . Thank you Ed . My name is Penelope . People call me Penny . I promise Cindy and I won 't be any bother . " Ed started the car and turned off the overhead light . His thoughts turned inward as he drove . What had he got himself into ? These two strays he had picked up at least took his mind off the memory of his dead wife for a time . He wondered what this woman would look like when he could see her in the light . Well he would know soon enough . When Ed reached his driveway he said , " I live about a half mile up here and in the morning you can look out and see the town from the south window . The trees have just come into full color this week . It is beautiful now and even more beautiful in the winter with snow on the ground . You 'll love it . " Penny thought to herself that Ed seemed to be a person she could trust . Anyone who talked about beautiful scenery that way had to have a good heart . Some different from the man she had just left . Why hadn 't she left him sooner ? She supposed that once you are in love with someone , it was hard to believe it had all gone wrong . Ed pulled into the yard . Penny could see from the momentary glimpses that the headlights showed , there were numerous flower beds that had been fixed for their winter hibernation . Ed jumped out and opened the front door to the house and flicked some floodlights on . He came out and picked Cindy up into his arms and carried her inside to a couch . He stepped to one wall and twisted the thermostat to a higher setting . He then came out and held the car door for Penny . She hadn 't moved and seemed to be having trouble gathering her strength just to make it into the house . Ed took her arm and helped her in and across the room to a leather recliner . Penny murmured , " Thank you . " Ed went into the kitchen which was on the other side of the dining room , leaving Penny and Cindy basking in the heat that was fast penetrating their bodies . Cindy was coughing almost continuously now . Fifteen minutes later he was back with instant coffee for Penny and hot chocolate for Cindy . Cindy took a few sips of her beverage , but appeared too sick to finish it . Ed felt of her forehead and said to Penny , " I 'm going to get her some help . " He went to the phone , punching in a number without looking it up . " George , I know it 's late and I hate to ask you , but would you grab your bag and come out ? What I have here is at the very least a bad cold and maybe something more serious . " Ed listened as the doctor said he would be there as soon as possible . " Penny , why don 't you take a hot shower ? You 're cold and wet too . I 'll get a warm blanket and hold Cindy until the doctor gets here . The shower is through the bedroom there . You will find plenty of women 's clothes in the left hand closet and whatever under things you need are in the left hand bureau . The lady who used to wear them doesn 't need them now , so she won 't mind you using them . " You can crawl into bed or you can come out when the doctor examines Cindy . The two of you will have to sleep together as I only have two bedrooms . My clothes are on the right , but I have other things in the spare bedroom where I 've been sleeping . " Penny struggled out of the recliner after seeing Ed do what he said he would for Cindy . Penny went into the bedroom and marveled at the size of it . It was huge . This might be only a two - bedroom home but there was plenty of room . The shower was comparable in size . Before she went into the shower , she opened the bureau and found some pajamas . When she went to the wardrobe she viewed the closet full of beautiful dresses and gowns . She found a robe that fit her perfectly . As she passed the night table on the right side of the bed , she paused to look at the woman that was enshrined in the portrait prominently sitting there . In the corner was the inscription , " To Ed , with all my love , Alice . " It was not long before the doctor entered the living room where Ed was holding Cindy . " What have you got there son , a little girl ? Where did you find her ? " " She was out on Route 9 about three miles west of here . Her mother is taking a shower . I think the mother needs looking at too . She hasn 't said , but maybe she got hurt when their car went off the road . Anyway , they were on the road so I picked them up . This is Cindy and the mother is Penelope , or Penny . I don 't even know their last names . " " Ed , bring her into the bedroom and I 'll see what I can find . " Cindy had stopped shivering , but the fever was raging . Both Ed and George could hear the shower as Ed laid the child on the bed . " Go on Ed get out of here . I 'll let you know what I find . " An hour later George came out of the room . " Ed , the woman has had a rough time . She has just escaped from an abusive relationship . I found some whip marks on Cindy that happened about six days ago and who by the way is twelve years old . The mother has a massive bruise on her thigh where she said she was kicked by the man she was living with . She has two and possibly three cracked ribs and of course the bruise on her head that you can see . She received those two days ago in a fight with the same person that gave Cindy the whipping . Penny is a widow and Cindy is an only child by her husband . Her husband was killed while in the service . " I 've given Penny something to sleep and Cindy has cough syrup . Cindy needs her medicine every four hours , so if you are awake , would you administer it ? It is a bad cold , but her chest is clear . She just has to wear it out and being young , she should be okay in a couple of days . Would you keep them both here so I could see them both later tomorrow ? " I 've left something stronger for Penny and if she starts coughing make sure she takes it . I 've bound her ribs up tight , but if she coughs she is going to really know what pain is . Another fact , her name is Peters and when she heals up she is going to be as beautiful as Alice was . It startled me when I saw Penny in the robe that I had often seen Alice wearing . Outside of a different shade of hair color , they could have been sisters . As George was going out the door he came back and said , " I asked and received permission to take pictures of the abuse both the mother and child show . I should turn them over to the authorities , but Penny asked me not to , unless her boyfriend causes her trouble , and then she said I could use them . I convinced her I did have to cover my butt by taking the pictures , so I guess we reached a reasonable agreement on this . " Ed didn 't bother going to bed , he just dozed until it was time for Cindy 's medicine . The first time he went in , tears came to his eyes when he could see the woman lying where his wife had lain the few years they were together . Her features were not that well defined by the dim glow from the night light , but this only enhanced the comparison . Ed went through the bedroom in the morning to shower , first stopping to feel Cindy 's brow . It felt to him the fever had disappeared . Glancing at Penny who had her face turned to cover the bruise , she did look remarkably like Alice . Not wanting to even think about this , Ed hurried into the shower . Coming out he found Cindy awake . " Are you feeling better Cindy ? " Ed pointed and quickly left the room , because he didn 't know what the little girl had on . He knew her dress and under - clothes were drying in the laundry room as he had put them in the washer earlier . They were dry a few minutes later and he knocked softly on the door . He waited a minute and took the items and put them on the foot of the bed . Cindy gave him a big smile and a little wave from the depths of the blankets pulled up around her . Penny was still sleeping . Mrs . Butler arrived just before eight . " Oh , good , you 're home . I was hoping you would be . " She looked at Ed , " Didn 't you sleep last night ? You look all tired out . I thought you had got over missing your wife . " " No , it wasn 't that . I have a house guest and she is sick , or she was . I 'll see if she is up so you can meet her . " Ed knocked softly on the door again and it was opened almost immediately by Cindy . " Cindy , my housekeeper is here . She is like a mother to me and I came in so you could meet her . " Ed put his hand on Cindy 's shoulder and they walked into the kitchen . " Mrs . Butler , this is Cindy Peters . She is staying with me for a while . She is here with her mother and they have had a spot of trouble . George was here last night to look at them and he tells me they are both going to be fine after a bit . " " Hello Mrs . Butler , you look a lot my grandmother did before the Lord took her . She was pretty just like you . I miss her so much sometimes . " " Well bless you child , we are going to get along just fine . " Mrs . Butler always referred to Ed as " The Master " when talking about him to others . " Would you like to help me get The Master 's breakfast ? I usually do when he gets back from his trip , especially now that he is alone . " Ed heard the shower running . " Cindy , why don 't you go in and help your mom get dressed . If she wants to put on some make - up , there is whatever she needs in the box under the night stand . Help her select something pretty to wear . I haven 't really seen her yet and I want my first impression to be a good one . " Mrs . Butler was standing there taking this all in . " Okay Ed , you 've got a woman sleeping in your bed and you don 't even know what she looks like . What 's the story ? It has to be a good one . " Ed didn 't want to give out too much information about his charges so he just said , " Penelope and Cindy had an accident on the road last night . It was cold and raining and I stopped to see what the problem was . I gave them a place to stay . Cindy was coughing and Penny was banged up so I called George . He medicated them and put them to bed . You 've seen almost as much of Cindy as I have . We will soon meet Penny and then we will both know what she looks like . Oh yes , I wasn 't able to retrieve their luggage , so Penny is wearing some clothes that belonged to Alice . " " Humph , " Mrs . Butler said , " I knew there must be a reason you didn 't get rid of Alice 's clothes . I know why , now . The Lord sent you a sign . You 're caught now and you can 't get away . It 's not fate ; it 's the Lord 's doings . " She went into the kitchen with the dishes . Ed laughed at his housekeeper until he turned around and saw Penny standing there . Penny was wearing the last dress Ed had bought for his wife . Alice had only had time to wear it once and Penny did as much justice to the dress as Alice had . Penny had used the make - up to cover the bruise on her face . The bruise was still there if you looked closely , but she had done a masterful job of concealing the mark . Ed stood and started to say how nice Penny looked when Mrs . Butler came back into the dining room . The plate of toast she was carrying hit the floor . " Oh my Lord , you look just like Alice . She has come back to be with you . Now you treat him better than you did last time . I won 't have him sad and sick again , just because of how you treated him . " Ed spoke , " Mrs . Butler , this is not Alice . This is Penelope Peters , Cindy 's mom . She is just wearing Alice 's clothes . I admit I was just as startled as you when I saw her in that dress , but she looks very nice in it and I 'm glad she picked that one to wear . " Mrs . Butler quickly returned to the kitchen and left the toast and broken plate on the floor . Penny came over and picked the bread and the pieces up , taking them out and asking where the trash can was and dumped them into it . Ed could see how much it hurt her to bend over , so he led her over and sat her down and asked what she would like for breakfast . Mrs . Butler had been observing through the doorway , this person who seemed to be intruding . Finally making up her mind about something , " No Dearie , I can see you are hurting . I 'll get it for you . I 'm so sorry I spoke so sharp . You just startled me so . You sit still . Cindy , your mom will eat some pancakes . You cook them for her and remember to turn them just when the bubbles come up through the batter . " " Okay , Mrs . Butler . Mom , Mrs . Butler is teaching me how to cook so I can care for you until you are well . For Ed too . I 've already cooked his breakfast . Penny was famished and Cindy had a chance to shine again . Cindy was much taken with Mrs . Butler . She was helping her in the kitchen by loading the dishwasher and generally being a " fetch - all " for the older woman . After breakfast Ed asked Penny to join him in the living room to talk . " I think I need to know a little more about your situation . I 'd like to help you if I can and if you will let me . First , tell me about your car . " Penny looked down at the table . " Ed , I lied to you . I knew I was almost out of gas and I didn 't have anymore money to fill the tank . I drove it into a hidden glen on a side road and we stayed in it to keep warm until the gas gave out . Then we walked back to the road and started hitch - hiking . As beat up as I am , I figured people would give me a ride if I said I had an accident and got hurt . I 'm sorry I lied . You 've been so good to us ; I wanted to tell you the truth . " " That 's okay . It was a good way to get a ride . It was just that nobody stopped until I came along . Do you have much stuff left in your car ? " " No we don 't . I had the fight with the man I was living with and he beat me up . I just grabbed Cindy and got into the car and we ran . I didn 't have much stuff anyway . His name is Bob Grover . He was pretty good to both of us until he lost his job about a year ago and started drinking . It has been all downhill for us since then . I really thought I loved him until he hit Cindy . I should have left then . His promises to be good only lasted five days until he did this to me . That 's when we had to get out . If we had stayed until he woke up from his latest drunk , I was afraid he might kill us . " Ed thought about what Penny had told him . " Gosh , you 've had a rough time . I think we had better go find your car . You can 't have walked too far and I know the area pretty well . Tim will be here later . He 's Mrs . Butler 's husband . So basically you took off without any plans or any money . That took guts . Why didn 't you call the police ? I 'm not really prying ; I 'm just trying to understand your situation . " " I went to the police the first time Bob hit me . Bob is related to the chief and has a brother on the force . I had no chance of getting anywhere . I just picked a loser and although Bob was dumped by his family , they weren 't going to back me up . I 'm just lucky the car is still in my name . Bob was passed out , but I found enough money in his pocket to buy gas to get us this far . " " Penny , you might as well know what my situation is . You could tell that I still have my wife 's clothes . It isn 't that I need them around , because they don 't mean that much to me . I just haven 't got rid of them and I never found anybody that could wear them . They are good clothes . I know I paid enough for them . In one way I paid too much , maybe . " You met my wife 's father last night . That is George and he is my best friend . He blames himself a lot for what happened to Alice and what she ended up doing to me . You see , while I was away on business , Alice was in an auto accident . She was with another man and it was pretty evident she wasn 't being true to me . He was killed , but I got home to talk to her and hear her death - bed apology before she died . With her last bit of awareness she heard me forgive her . I was holding her hand and telling her I loved her when she died . " George was in the room with us and since then we have been the best of friends . He said afterward that he didn 't think under the same circumstances he could have forgiven her . George was her father and he doted on her . He gave her everything and let her do whatever she wanted . I think he was aware of her wild side which he always kept from me . He said he talked to her about it before we were married , but kept out of our affairs once we tied the knot . " Things were good until my job started demanding I be away one week a month . This was just in the last year or so before she died . I have always made enough money , so Mrs . Butler has always worked here . Maybe if I had been here all the time , she wouldn 't have turned elsewhere for excitement . I 'll never know now . " I do know I 'm glad I was here to say goodbye to Alice . I did forgive her and I suppose I still love her on some level , just as I told her when she was dying . It just has taken me a couple of years to get over her . I 'm not saying that she isn 't in my thoughts a lot , because she is . I do think back now to the good times and happiness we had and give myself a pass on the sad times . " Penny reached over and held Ed 's hand and said . " I know how much you can hurt when you lose someone . I felt that way when Cindy 's father died so far away from me and on the other side of the world . I have always thanked God I have Cindy to cling to . She is my crutch more than I am hers I think . " The two people sat without speaking , until they heard Tim come into the kitchen . Tim drove his pickup into town and picked up five gallons of gas . He always carried jumper cables and said if Penny 's car was out of gas , the battery might be weak too . It was a mile and the second side - road from where Ed picked up Penny that they found the ten year - old Volkswagen driven under some bushes and half hidden . When Ed told Tim what condition Penny was in when she started walking and how far she had gone , he shook his head , saying , " That 's some woman . " The gas tank was empty and the car had to be cranked over several times before it started . In the back seat were several empty beer cans and bottles . Ed figured that Bob just drank and tossed the containers over his shoulder . Cindy came out on the steps when Ed drove the beat - up old car in next to the side of his house . She was jumping up and down . This was an item that was almost as old as she was and she must have felt like a long lost friend had been found when it came up the driveway . |
Zity . biz is a popular and an open - minded community , come as you are . Membership is freeMembers have access to the many features not available guest usersAll sections are visible . Guests do not see everythingAlways real - time content . Guests always see cached pagesInformation of things new since your last visitShare your point of view in the forumsPublish articles on your blogUse the search feature to find any content and membersAdd your classified to meet someoneView and share pictures with membersJoin an event or create yours to meet peopleExchange private messages with all members Library This is a true story on how I started wearing diapers again . As you can see from the title this took place a long time ago . For that reason I can 't remember precisely what was said so needless to say I have taken some liberties with the dialog but it 's pretty darn close . The timeline and occurrences are very accurate . I was In first grade . My aunt would often come over to the house with her son who was about two years old and in diapers . I would see him walking around and taking naps in them and sometimes I would wonder how it would feel to wear one . Thinking about it would make me feel kind of funny in a oddly pleasant way . One afternoon I was going out the front door when I saw my aunts diaper bag next to the couch and couldn 't resist looking in it . In it was a couple of folded diapers some pins and powder and a pair of baby pants . Suddenly I got the idea to take the baby pants into my closet and try them on . My mom and aunt were in the kitchen having coffee so I pulled them out and put them down the front of my pants and took off for my room . Getting in the closet I pulled them up and they were so small I was just barely able to get them over my shorts . I was nervous and scared by what I was doing . I stood there for a few minutes just touching them . Suddenly it occurred to me that if my aunt went into that bag and found them missing I was a dead duck she would know it had to be me . Pulling them off real quick I hurried back to the bag and put them back just like I found them . I ran out the front door . I knew what I had done was wrong but couldn 't help thinking how good it made me feel . The idea of going in and confessing was out of the question I was so embarrassed and confused there was no way I could bring myself to do it . I made up my mind I was never going to do that again and from then on whenever my aunt would come over I would avoid her and her son like the plague . Part 2 - A few months later I had not felt well for a couple of days and was getting worse . I hadn 't said anything to my mom about feeling sick and did my best to hide it from the very beginning because at school we had a field trip scheduled to a fire station and I was crazy about fire trucks . I had waited two weeks for the trip and wasn 't about to miss it . The morning of the tour I got up and really felt bad . I knew if I got anywhere near mom she would know I was sick and I wouldn 't be going anywhere so I pretended to be late and yelled goodbye to mom and slipped out the front She normally would have chased me down and made me eat breakfast but I guess she knew how excited I was about the fire station tour and just let it go . . When I got to school my sides hurt so bad I wanted to cry . I went into the bathroom and vomited and felt a little better . We walked to the fire station and started the tour and before long I vomited all over their floor and down the front of me . The teacher checked me and said I had a fever and was going to call my mom . A little while later mom showed up to walk me home . The teacher told her that several of my classmates had been down with the flu the last few days and was sure that 's what I had . When we got home mom put me right to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . That evening mom tried to get me to eat but I couldn 't . The next morning I was worse and my sides felt like someone had kicked me in them . I didn 't tell mom about my sides hurting because I knew she would take me to the doctors and didn 't want any part of that . I slept the rest of the day and that night . The next morning mom came in . I had wet the bed and there was blood in my urine , I was covered in sweat and both my sides were so sore I couldn 't even sit up . I was turning yellow from jaundice and mom just about flipped out and hurriedly called my dad at work and he said he would be home in a few minutes and take us to the doctors and for mom to call ahead and tell him we were coming in . Dad had to carry me because I had the worlds worst case of the spinners and was so weak and my sides hurt so bad I couldn 't walk . The doc had me pee in a cup and went into another room . When he returned he told my parents I had nephritis which was a very severe and dangerous kidney and bladder infection and had to go to the children 's hospital at once . He called ahead and arranged to have me checked in . As soon as we got there the nurses put me in a treatment room and they started IV 's in both arms . by this time I was so out of it I didn 't care what they did . Years later talking to my mom she said when I was admitted I was nearly in complete kidney and renal failure and went into a coma for four straight days . They had massive doses of antibiotics going in the IV and had to give me chilling baths continuously to try and control the fever . They told my parents it was a about a 50 / 50 chance that my kidneys would shut down completely and then renal failure would finish me off . They said the next 72 hours would be the most critical . and if I did make it I was going to have major kidney and bladder damage . Also because the fever was so severe and hard to get under control it was possible I would suffer some brain damage . My dad was a yardmaster for the union pacific railroad and had a reputation in the rail yard as fair and honest , but one very tough man who rarely showed any emotion . When the doctors gave them the prognosis mom said it was the only time in her entire life she had ever seen him cry . She never forgave herself for not taking me to the doctors sooner but figured I had the flu like the rest of the kids . When I woke up I guess it was on the fourth day it was dark outside and I didn 't know where I was . In the room were three beds that had wires and tubes all over the wall behind them . The other two beds were empty . A nurse was at a desk reading and noticed me moving and came over . She asked me if I was thirsty and I had never been more thirsty in my life . She got a glass of water from the stand with a straw and held it so I could drink . I was still about half out of it and asked where I was and where my parents were . She explained that I was in the hospital and said my parents had just left to go home and get a some rest and would they would be back in the morning . Both arms were taped to small boards and had IV 's in them and there was a tube in my nose . My wrists were tied to the bed rails with gauze strips to prevent the IV 's from being pulled out . I asked the nurse to untie them and take the tube out but she said they would have to stay in for the night . I blacked out again . When I woke it was morning and my parents were there and said the nurse had called them last night to tell them I had regained consciousness and appeared to have gotten through it ok They returned to the hospital and even though it was against the rules the nurses let them sit with me the rest of the night . The doctor came a little later and told my parents the tube could come out that morning but the IV 's would stay in one more day along with the catheter . My parents left right after the doctor did . When they took the tube out of my nose it hurt like crazy because my throat was raw and it almost made me vomit . I was pretty groggy and slept most of the day and all that night . The next morning I woke up when two nurses came over to my bed and removed the IV 's and when they started removing the catheter it was the first time I was aware of it being there and more than anything else that really scared me . They gave me a sponge bath . One of them came back and had a diaper and baby pants along with a clean gown . As they started putting it on me I told them " I don 't wear diapers " but they said " you have to have it on so you just lay still and we 'll be done in a minute " she pulled it up between my legs and pinned it closed then put the baby pants under me and snapped the sides together . They sat me up to put the gown on then covered me up . The nurses went back to their desk and I laid there completely stunned at what had just happened . The diaper felt like I had a pillow between my legs I could hear the baby pants rustling with the slightest movement . I remembered the time in my closet when I tried on the baby pants from my aunts bag and wondered what it would be like with a diaper under them instead of my shorts . Well now I knew and it wasn 't anything like I expected . I was wore out and after a few minutes fell back asleep . Later when I awoke I was instantly aware of the diaper and begged the nurse to take it off . She went over to a cabinet and returned with another and started changing me . I pleaded with her the whole time not to make me wear it and she said just take it easy and we would talk about it later . I told her I was going to take it off and she " if you do I 'll have to retie your hands to the side rails like they were before " . I was trapped not only would she put it back on me but my hands would be tied as well and knew my folks were sure to find out . That afternoon when I saw my parents coming in with the doctor and I brought my knees up to hide the bulge of the diaper from showing through the covers . The nurse asked my mom to go out in the hall . When they came back in mom said " The nurse tells me your upset about the diapers . Honey you have been so sick that your insides are hurt and for awhile your not going to be able to hold it till you get to the bathroom so for the time being you are going to have to wear them . They can 't have you wetting the bed because everything has to be kept real clean so you can get well . I want your promise you won 't argue with them anymore about it " . Stunned disbelief is the only way I can describe that moment . The nurse said lots of kids wear them when they are in the hospital and dad said " they 'll just help you get better so you can go home " . I slowly lowered my knees in as I went into shock . The doc told my parents I was going to get shots of antibiotics every few hours and my blood would have to be tested twice a day . They would do tests to determine the level of kidney function that was left and what if any other damage had been done . I wouldn 't be released until the tests were completed and the antibiotics had gotten me stabilized and if every thing went well it should be about a week to ten days . When my parents left the nurse came over to my bed uncovered me and put her hand against the baby pants in the crotch area and then went to the cabinet . That 's the first time I got a good look at the diaper . It was covered by a pair of snap on baby pants that were basically white with tiny little yellow dots all over them and the vinyl was much heavier than the ones I had tried on in the closet . I guess they were made heavier because they were for hospital use . The nurse brought over a new diaper and pants with some powder and started changing me . I promised to go to the bathroom if she wouldn 't put it back on and she said " your mom told you not to argue , remember " . The whole time I was praying somebody wouldn 't come into the room and see me . When she finished she covered me up and told me if I had to poop to let her know and she would take it off and get me a bed pan . Having not eaten anything solid in days that wasn 't going to be for a while . They woke me up and took the diaper off to give me the shots and put a new one back on . Taking the blood samples from my arms hurt a lot . It seemed like every couple of hours while I was awake the nurse would check me to see if I was wet which I usually was . I wasn 't to concerned about being wet . With typical six year old logic I figured it was automatic that if you had a diaper on you would use it and if you didn 't you would hold it for the bathroom . I was just wishing they could understand that . I think it was the third or fourth day after I woke up when that evening my parents came back and the nurse told them I was going to be moved to a ward the next morning . " How about I get a wheel chair and we can go up there and see the ward " she said I told her I didn 't want to go . There 'll be other kids to play with and lots of toys and things . I don 't want to go I said . I think I know what the problem is she told mom . I 'll get you a robe to wear and put a blanket over you so you 'll be all covered up and with that she went and got the chair . When she took the covers off me I was so preoccupied at the thought of having to leave the room I was half in the robe before it dawned on me that mom and dad was standing there . By this time I wasn 't upset about wearing them in front of the nurses anymore but when my parents saw me with it on I wanted to find a rock and crawl under it and never come out . Part 3 - The ward We went out into the hallway and to the elevator . When we got to the third floor instead of empty white walls this floor was painted with rainbows and had all kinds of kids stuff painted on them . We went to a door that was next to a row of windows were you could look in from the hallway . A nurses desk was just inside the door and my parents talked to the new nurse and told her why we were there . She said hi to us and to go ahead and look around . There was about fifteen beds . A long row of them by the windows facing outside and smaller rows about half way down the two sides . In the middle was a play area with pads on the floor with books and toys on them . Most of the beds were occupied as it was getting late . Suddenly I noticed a girl about my age laying on her stomach in one of the beds by the window . She was looking at me through the bars on the side on the side of the bed and was wearing a gown like the one I had on . They were yellow with cartoon animals printed on them and came down just above the knees . Her gown was all scrunched up to her waist and she was wearing a diaper and baby pants . The back wall had a door leading to the bathroom . Next to it was a large cabinet with a padded top . The shelves below were filled with diapers and baby pants and on a smaller shelf attached to the wall a couple of feet above the pad was some powder and a bar of soap in a dish with diaper pins sticking all over in it . We went back to my room and after saying goodnight to my parents they gave me another shot and a fresh diaper . I started thinking about the girl in the ward . How could she do that ? How could she just lay there with everybody seeing it ? How am I going to wear them in front of all those kids ? Wait a minute , why was I thinking about how I COULD wear them ? And then it occurred to me that over the last couple of days while I was still terribly embarrassed that anybody especially my parents knew I was in diapers I was also beginning to feel a strange calm and soothing sense of comfort from them . Maybe I was brain damaged after all . The next morning I had to drink some stuff that tasted like chalk and wasn 't allowed to eat anything . A few minutes later we went to x - ray for some tests . the nurse pulled my gown way up by my chin and unpinned one side of the diaper and slid it down by my knees . As soon as they took the photos she pulled it back up and repinned it . Next we went to see the doctor and it was a new one I hadn 't seen before . He told me he was going to do a test to check my bladder and that it might hurt a little bit but knew I was tough and could take it . I 'll just say this , the test involved a tube in all the wrong places and he was almost right it did hurt , and it wasn 't a little bit . That 's all he said you did fine . Get me out of here . We went to the elevator and the nurse said she would get me some breakfast as soon as I was settled in the ward . I looked for the girl but she was gone . I wondered if she wore a diaper home . Both nurses took me to a bed by the window and put me in it . The bed was smaller than the one in the room and this one had sides that pulled way up . All the way around the top was a frame with rings like in a shower on it . They started taking the robe off me and I tried to both pull the covers up and the gown down at the same time to hide the diaper . The new nurse got my chart and reached up to a long plastic panel across the top front rail . It had a place for the patients name and doctors name . She filled all that out with a big blue felt pen . Next was a place for medications and she put that up there . Last was a big long square for nurses instructions . She wrote in great big blue letters DIAPERS . The only thing missing was the flashing neon arrows . The old nurse said goodbye and left . Next the new nurse came over to the a stand next to my bed and put down a stack of diapers and baby pants with a can of powder . I quickly looked around and none of the other kids had paid any attention . When it came time for the first change she did it right there in the bed and I looked out the window so I wouldn 't see the kids staring at me . I got a little teasing from some of the kids when the nurses couldn 't hear but nothing like I expected . When I had to go number two they would let me walk to the bathroom and take the diaper off so I could do my business . When done they would take me out to the changing table by the door and diaper me where everybody walking down the hallway could watch . One day a kid in the bed across from mine started crying and having a fit and his mother said if you don 't stop acting like a baby their going to put diapers on you like him . I loved the wearing them so much by that time I thought you should be so lucky . Part 4 - Home It was a week to the day when I went to the ward that I was to be released to go home . Mom and dad came that morning and they had a bag with them . I had already resigned to the fact that this was my last day in diapers and felt terrible even though I was going home . Mom took a pair of pj 's and a robe out of the bag and handed them to the nurse . She put the bottoms on right over the diaper and then the top and robe . I was still embarrassed when my parents saw me in them . I waited for mom to say something to the nurse about leaving the diaper on but she never said a word . We got in the wheelchair and went to the entrance . Dad had left a few minutes before to get the car and was waiting out front with it . On the way home I came up with a plan to steal the baby pants out of the trash and hide them after they took them off me at the house . When we got home mom said I should lay down and take a nap . I didn 't argue at all because I still tired very easy and was beat . We got to my room and mom took the robe off me and asked if I was wet . I said no and she said jump in bed and covered me up . I was really surprised she didn 't take it off me then but knew she would when I woke up . When I awoke mom was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me . She said she was glad I was back home . Then she got up and went over to my dresser and opened the top drawer . She took out a diaper and baby pants with some powder . I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . Honey it 's going to be a while before you can stay dry so were going to continue with the diapers for now . I said ok and tried to look disappointed so I wouldn 't give myself away but wanted to jump up and shout I deserved an Oscar nomination for that one . She uncovered me and pulled my pajama bottoms off and unsnapped the baby pants . She unpinned the diaper putting the pins in the front of her blouse . She told me to lift up and put the new diaper under me and I turned beet red . Why are you blushing ? This isn 't the first time I have seen you in a diaper you know . Who do you think diapered you when you were a baby ? I knew that but it was still embarrassing . She sprinkled the powder on and brought the diaper up and across the front of me . The ones at the hospital felt good but were not what you would call comfortable . This one was as soft and light as a cloud even though it was much thicker and felt wonderful . The baby pants were all white and pull on style . They were light weight and silky soft AND QUIET they hardly made a sound . The hospital ones were somewhat snug fitting and would kind of chafe me around the legs and were so noisy you could hear them crackle every time you moved . These were big and roomy and felt absolutely great . I had died and gone to heaven . She went back to the dresser and took a T shirt and pajama bottoms off the top and put the pj 's on me then the shirt . This shirt will cover your bottom and I thought you might like that she said . It was extra long it almost came down to my knees , I don 't know where she got it but it was very considerate of her . I got up and went into the living room and dad had gone back to work . Our front door had a small diamond shaped window in it and for days I found my self constantly checking that window to be sure somebody wasn 't looking in . I had an aunt named ruth who lived just a few houses down the street and she had came over virtually every week day for coffee with mom for as long as I could remember . You could always hear her coming up the front walk saying hello in a way that was a cross between a yell and singing . Whenever I heard her coming I would run to my room jump in bed and cover up till she left . One morning I was laying on the couch listening to the radio and mom came over to me and said give me you pajama bottoms so I can wash them and I took them off and gave them to her . The shirt was long enough to keep me covered so I continued to lay on the couch . I had just been setup and didn 't know it . A few minutes later I heard my mom in the kitchen start to giggle and looked up over the back of the couch to see what was so funny and here came Aunt Ruth through the kitchen door making a beeline straight for me . I knew exactly what she had in mind and was powerless to prevent it . She reached over the back of the couch and grabbed me under the arms and pulled me up and put me on her hip . How come you run to bed every time I come over ? While at the same time planting her free hand right square on my bottom . I just shrugged my shoulders and looked at mom and she was grinning like a Cheshire cat . Hey ! what 's this under your shirt ? Another shrug . If I didn 't know better I 'd swear it was a diaper . Shrug . We better have a look and she pulled the side of the shirt up . By golly I was right I can see the diaper right there under your rubber pants . I just grinned and didn 't say anything . You know this isn 't the first time I have seen you with a diaper on . I used to change you when you were a baby . Where had I heard that one before ? The question was who hadn 't diapered me as a baby . I was glad it was finally out in the open with her because I was getting tired of hiding every time she came over . Now you don 't have to hide from me anymore and she put me back down on the couch . They went into the kitchen and had a good chuckle that their plan had worked so well . Mom didn 't drive so when I had to go to the doctors Aunt Ruth would take us . When we got to the doctors office the waiting room was filled with parents and their kids . One boy about two was laying on the floor drinking from a baby bottle with his diaper clearly showing through the bottom of his shorts . I wondered if he liked wearing them the way I did . After the appointment we went to a department store . I rode in the basket . Mom had bought me pants that had lots of extra room in them and when I wore with my long shirt nobody could tell I was wearing a diaper . We went into the clothing department and passed a mirror when I saw the back of my shirt was hung up on the back of the seat and the baby pants were showing out the top of the pants . I shoved the shirt down in the back real fast and started looking around to see if anybody had seen it . It seemed like everybody was looking and I couldn 't wait to get out of there . The school had arranged toMom told me one night that in the morning her and dad was going out of town for a couple of days to a railroad convention and that Ann was going to baby - sit me while they were gone . Well let me tell you about Ann . She was my cousin in her early twenties and was very pretty . Her husband was in the Air Force overseas and she lived across town by herself . I had always had a little kid 's crush on her and loved to be around her . However , she was the last person in the world I wanted to know about my secret . I asked mom to let Aunt Ruth baby - sit me and she said that was impossible because she and her husband who also worked for the railroad was going with them . I felt like the whole world had just fallen in on me . Late the next morning when my parents were about to leave Ann pulled up out front . I had already figured out what to do . I went into my bedroom and dropped my pajama bottoms real quick and unpinned one side of the diaper and slid it off and hid it under my bed . I put the pajama bottoms back on and went back out to the living room . Mom gave me a kiss and happily she didn 't give me a pat on the rear like she sometimes did and the long shirt did it 's job . After they left Ann and I sat on the couch and talked . Like I said earlier about the six year old logic I didn 't think I needed them and could use the toilet for a couple of days . Everything was going fine then suddenly I started flooding all over the place and jumped up from the couch in horror and ran for the bathroom . Ann followed me in there and said " why aren 't you wearing a diaper your supposed to have it on ? " The sudden realization that my parents were right and I did need to wear diapers after all plus what I had just done in front of Ann was too much and I started crying and shaking . She hugged me and didn 't say anything until I calmed down . She asked me again why I wasn 't wearing it . I told her I didn 't want her to know about them and also what I had done when she arrived . She turned on the bath water and took my clothes off and helped me in the tubWhen I awoke Ann was in the kitchen making dinner . I just lay there quietly until she came in to check on me . When she found I was awake she left and then come back in a moment a diaper and changed me on the couch . As she was doing it I was sort of smiling and she said " Well it 's nice to see you smiling for a change " True to her word she had my long shirt and pj 's ready . We had dinner and then just talked about whatever came to mind . She said when I was in the hospital the whole family was hoping and praying that I would be ok . Your folks didn 't sleep for days until they knew you were going to be all right she said . It was time for bed and she put one of the thick ones on me and I really liked that . The next morning we had to go over to her house to feed her dogs . On the way there I had really soaked myself . Ann fed the dogs and I just looked at stuff in her living room till she was done . She came in and called her girlfriend . She said hang on just a minute and covered the mouthpiece and asked me why I was fidgeting so much . I didn 't realize I was but it was because I was uncomfortable . The diaper was very wet and as much as I liked wearing them I didn 't like them wet . I told her why and she asked her girlfriend if she could borrow three diapers and hung up right after that . I was wondering how she was going to explain that to her friend as she didn 't have any kids . The doorbell rang and Ann answered it . It was her friend and she had the diapers and a baby girl about one year old . She asked Ann what she needed them for and she said " they 're for him , he just got out of the hospital and has to wear them for a while " . I just stood there looking at her and thinking how could you do that ? She got down on her knees on the carpet and patted the floor with her hand . Come here and lay down for me . I was so mad at her I told no not until her friend left . Oh come on ! She changes her baby all day long and she won 't think anything of it and grabbed my hand and pulled me over . Her friend sat down on the couch as Ann started changing me . When she was done and pulling my pants back up her friend said " I wish it was that easy to change my baby , she 's always wiggling all over the place . " By the time we got home I had gotten over being mad at her . That night as she was diapering me for bed she kept looking at me with a smug grin . Finally she said " You know something I think I discovered a secret about you , and you know what I 'm talking about don 't you ? I shook my head no . Oh yes you do . Don 't worry I promise I won 't tell your mom or anybody else , It will just be our secret . She knew . My parents returned the next day . As Ann was leaving she gave me a hug and a kiss and whispered real low so only I could hear " You want to know my secret ? I liked putting them on you almost as much as you like wearing them " Part 6 - Final chapter It was about eight months before my bladder and sphincter muscle had mended well enough to consider going back to school but by then it was the start of summer vacation . My dad suggested to mom that I go to summer school but my grades were straight A 's thanks to the battleaxe 's tutoring . Even though I hated her she did a good job . I told mom I didn 't want to go to summer school as I was just getting to the point where I could play with my friends again and she agreed and said she don 't worry she would handle dad . She did . He might have been one tough man but he was no match for her . At about the same time I started drying up during the day I was starting to get a little uncomfortable being diapered by my mom . Don 't misunderstand me I wasn 't losing my attraction for the diapers . I was just starting to feel kind of weird having her do it and asked her one night if I could put it on myself . She agreed and gave me a few pointers because I wasn 't very good at it . I have been doing it myself ever since . Mom had found a company that sold underwear that had cotton on the outside just like regular underwear and terry cloth lining on the inside with a plastic pants between them . They were a little thicker than regular underwear but didn 't show under regular clothes at all . I still had a few accidents during the day but kept my bladder emptied out as much as possible so they were small ones and the pants worked just fine . When I started school the teachers were told about my need to go to the bathroom frequently and I was allowed to leave anytime I needed to . Sometimes I would use it as an excuse to get out of class and goof off . I got caught a couple of times and warned . The final outcome of this period in my life is this , I have a permanent 40 % loss of kidney function . I have never stopped wetting at night since the illness and have what they call urge incontinence during the day but with frequent bathroom visits I 'm able to control it almost entirely . I still get that calm comforting feeling from wearing diapers and hope I never lose that . I met a girl in the late sixties and we became very close . One night when we were sitting around I told her about what happened to me when I was a kid and the need to wear diapers at night . To make a long story short we have been married for over thirty years . Oh by the way in case your wondering , I still use cloth diapers . There like potato chips , once you start you can 't stop . One more thing . Just before I met my wife I attended a family reunion . Ann was there and I hadn 't seen her since she moved to California were her husband was being transferred to . That was Views DMCA noticeSite IndexContact Us Language section Copyrights belong to respective holders . Disclaimer : All photos , images and links to external content are provided by users . We take no responsibility for the content added / uploaded by users . |
Maybe it was all of your awesome comments on my last post , or maybe it was a late morning talk with my mom and a nap while Henrietta napped , but ultimately today was better . Sam is still struggling to bounce back , spending his days in bed , for the most part . So it was all me again this afternoon . And somehow , I didn 't hate it . She was giggly today . I bent and unbent my legs after our naps , and she laughed hysterically . I minced my fingers toward her nose and she laughed hysterically . I sang her little songs , and she laughed hysterically . I could get used to that . It occurred to me that she might want to watch The Brave Little Toaster , a show I used to enjoy when I was a kid . But they didn 't have it on Netflix , so we watched the old Disney version of Alice in Wonderland instead . She sat on the rug and watched it , really watched it , her face turned up to the television as if she were seven and not seven months . It 's the first time I 've ever put a kid 's show on for her , and it was strange to watch it through her eyes , to see what it means that these movies are made for kids - - bright colors , lively music , singsongy voices . And then , when it ended , we started it over , because , why not ? I sat her on my lap with a tupperware of Cheerios and it felt very peaceful and sweet to sit there with her , watching her chubby yet long fingers chase the Os around . On the second time around , Henrietta laughed at the part where Giant Alice cries Giant tears , then swims in them , and I started to think about that , about crying tears that get too big for us , so we have to swim in them . " Oh dear , " says Alice . " I do wish I hadn 't cried so much . " It felt good to keep thinking about Alice , to write out some thoughts , to put images and words together . Maybe it 's a ( prose ) poem . Maybe it 's nothing . At any rate , it 's below . Poor Alice . She 's muddled about who she is . She 's a monster ; she 's a weed . She 's the white rabbit 's Mary Anne . She 's too big and then too little and too big and too little again . The world is bright and colorful and it sings for her , but it wants to tell her the rules , wants her to follow them without knowing what they are . Who are you ? Who are you ? They ask until she doesn 't know anymore . Her dreams outpace her , menace over her ; she manages to offend them . The hare celebrates nonexistence and the caterpillar blows technicolor smoke in her face . When she asks questions , it 's clear she should know the answer . I 'm afraid I 'm not myself , she says . I 'm afraid . I 'm not myself . Household objects grow eyes and legs and menacing necks . It gets dreadfully dark . And still her pinafore stays starched and white , her blue dress buttoned to the top , her hairbow in place , her diction and manners impeccable . She runs faster . Alice , wake up , she begs . Please wake up , Alice . Henrietta , as best we can tell , is only afraid of one thing . She 's not afraid of any of the things we expect her to be ; she isn 't afraid of the cats , or strangers ( she lives for strangers ) , or the edge of the couch , or of falling while climbing our staircase . She 's afraid of this little wooden train whistle that belongs to Sam . He put it in her room , thinking she 'd find it charming , but the other night when he made it whistle , she burst into tears . Our willful little seven - month - old is inexplicably afraid of a train whistle . I 'm thinking about fear today , since it 's what I felt for a good bit of it . And just as inexplicably , in a way . It 's a fear I 've actually been waiting for , a fear I 've been anticipating for most of my life : the fear of caring for a child by myself at home during the day . I remember thinking about it a lot as a teenager and in college . I could not understand how I would survive a day with its mouth wide open ahead of me , all alone with a baby or a small child . I couldn 't imagine anything more empty and depressing . I wanted kids ; I just didn 't know how I would get out of bed . ( I think this was , in part , what I worried about when I left my job to be at home with Henrietta . ) I 've been spoiled since Henrietta was born . Sam 's had paternity leave , and aside from night - wakings , we 've split this parenting thing pretty 50 / 50 . We spend our days trading off taking naps when we really need them . When we need to run errands , often we all go together . We 're so accustomed to doing this together that when we 're on our own , we have trouble figuring out how to take a bathroom break ; we 're so used to just handing her off . It has not been a bad gig at all , really . I feel guilty for any complaining I 've done . But today , with Sam still recovering from his stay in the ER , I had my first taste of being at home for a good bit of the day alone with a baby who 's on the move , which is somehow different from one whom you can set down and trust will be in relatively the same spot when you return from grabbing a glass of water . Sam is teaching one class in the mornings now , so he was gone from ten to noon , and when he got home , it was clear he was completely flattened by the chemicals they pumped him full of while in the hospital , so I sent him to bed . To bed until he woke up on his own . And the day yawned in front of me . And I grew anxious and lonely . What was I supposed to do ? Nothing ? Sit on the floor with her while she played ? Strap her to me and do housework ? Feedchangebathe her ? Watch TV and eat cookies ? Usually , I try to get out of the house . But it was raining pretty hard , so a walk wouldn 't do it , and we were trying to get from Thursday to payday without spending any more money , and I didn 't trust myself to walk the mall without spending a dime . Plus , I thought I should be able to handle it . I mean , what would be so hard about it ? I ended up holding her with one arm to my hip , and hauling out a mountain of laundry with the other arm , dumping the laundry in the middle of the living room , and perching her atop it . I felt quite clever for thinking of this . I turned on an audiobook , and handed her a brightly - colored sock whenever she fussed or her attention strayed to the fireplace or the room with the cat litter in it . This worked , more or less . It took an hour . And part of me thought , " Wow , that took an hour ? ! " And the other part of me thought , " That , only took an hour ? ! " There were so many hours to go . And the mean voice started in on me . " You should be loving this , " the voice said . " What kind of a mother / woman / human are you that you don 't love this ? You know , Sam 's better at taking care of her anyway . When she 's with him , she chatters constantly . How come she 's not talking to you ? You must not talk to her enough . Think on this : If you were a good mom , what would you be doing right now ? If you were a good mom , you would not be watching the clock , waiting for her nap , feeling exactly the way you felt at your first job at the taco shop , waiting for your shift to end . If you were a good mom , you 'd probably be singing to her . You 'd probably be giving her a bath , letting her splash and flap her hands . You 'd probably have figured out some miniature craft appropriate for seven - month - olds , and the two of you would be doing it at the kitchen table , sunlight streaming through your cafe curtains . You don 't even have cafe curtains . " I realized that we have next to zero support system around here . We have friends , but they 're near the city , an hour or so away . And I have a few friends at church , but they have their hands full . In a week like this , when you begin it with a 911 call , you really need someone to help . You need someone to take the baby for a few hours while you reassemble the world . I even called someone to ask for help - - which , folks , is huge for the likes of me - - but she wasn 't home , and by the time she got back to me , the baby was napping and it didn 't seem like it mattered much anymore . Except that when she did nap , I hopped on my computer to get some work done , and the whole time I felt my heart beating fast , anxious and worried . I kept having to check myself , wondering what I was feeling frightened of . I realized I was frightened of the end of her nap . Sam was still sleeping . I didn 't know how many hours I had left in me . When she woke up , I fed her and changed her , then let her climb the stairs to our bedroom , and the two of us woke Sam up . I broke my word , but it was five o ' clock , and he 'd been sleeping for nearly five hours , and I justified it as worry that he wouldn 't sleep tonight if he didn 't get up for awhile . But that wasn 't it . It was the hours . I didn 't think I had any more . Sam and I got to talking about the train whistle , and Sam went to get it . We had thought perhaps she was just overtired when we last tried it . But today , in full daylight , just after waking from her nap , Sam made it whistle and she burst into tears again . She trembled and climbed deeper into my lap . Sam put the train whistle away in a drawer and carried the baby downstairs . I went in the bathroom to put my hair up , to get it out of my face . I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time . Sam said , over dinner , that he felt like a bear who had been shot with a tranquilizer gun , slept for days , and woke up to find his paw had been amputated . So while he tried to help with our bedtime routine , he mostly sat in a chair , asking if she was ready for bed yet so he could sleep . I sent him off to sleep , and wrestled the baby for another two hours before she 'd settle down . And while I wrestled , I thought about this blog post , which I had started , and I thought , no no , you 're not supposed to be that honest . Don 't finish it ; don 't post it ; hit delete and go to bed . There 's something wrong with you that you 're afraid of a day at home with your baby . Talk to your therapist about it , not your blog . No one will relate . They 'll have all sorts of advice you should have thought of already . You 're too depressing , too sad . They 'll say you 're depressed . Maybe you are depressed . This should be the part where I tell a sweet story about something special that happened that made it all worth it again . And I could tell it that way : After we pulled off her day clothes and before we put on her pajamas , I tickled the warm , soft skin of her baby torso and she giggled and I laughed . It was a lovely moment . But still , by the time I got her to sleep for the night , I rolled my shoulders and shook my arms like a fighter sent back to her corner of the ring . Leaving her room , the word in my head was " depleted . " I felt depleted . I 'm not depressed . And I 'm a pretty good mom . And she really is a pretty good baby . She didn 't have any meltdowns and she napped beautifully . She 's teething , but I know things could be so much more difficult , and that they will probably get more difficult . If anything , I 'm still swimming in gratitude that my husband didn 't die of a heart attack on Monday . Even imagining the magnitude of that grief mapped over a day like today is overwhelming . So we were an average mom and an average baby on a fairly average day , and this job is still the hardest job I 've ever had by far . The day was lonely and long and difficult . And if I have anything to say to my younger , frightened self , it 's that : this day was lonely and long and difficult . And maybe I 'll get more help tomorrow , but even if I don 't , I 'm going to do it again . Last night , while I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner , I came in the living room to see Sam dancing with Henrietta to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers . He was swinging her around and tossing her up in the air and she was squealing with joy . Sam was shirtless , and I tried to talk him into putting a shirt on so I could take video of it , but he declined , and so I just sat and watched them , laughing . When I finished the kitchen and came upstairs , Sam was sitting on the floor of her bedroom , and he was worried . His throat was tight and his left arm was numb , which are alarming symptoms when you 're a man who had a heart attack at thirty - five , which Sam happens to be . I changed the baby 's diaper while we talked it over - - it being whether or not to take him to the ER . We prayed about it , and I felt more worried than I had before we prayed , so I talked him into letting me call his cardiology office . The doctor on call said what we expected : don 't take a chance ; he needs to go in . But she said something I didn 't expect : Call 911 . Now . Sam handed the phone to me so she could insist . And when I told her we were a two - minute drive to the hospital and couldn 't I just drive him , she said the situation could change in an instant and there would be absolutely nothing I could do for him if it did . I needed to get him help , fast . So I hung up with her , and called . I don 't think I 've ever called 911 before , and I can 't say it was any fun . I wanted to ask them to please spare us the lights and sirens , thinking about our neighbors parting their curtains to see who was being hauled off . But of course I didn 't ask that , and they arrived . First a cop , then a fire truck , then the paramedics . Suddenly , our living room was full of them , these uniformed men wearing their serious faces and standing with their feet spread apart , wearing their big manly boots , asking both of us questions and writing down our answers on index cards and refusing to be direct about the results of the portable EKG . The emergency lights bounced off the walls and strobed our faces , and I stood off to the side , holding Henrietta , pushing puzzle pieces out of the way with my foot to give the men more room . Sam and I looked at each other , sort of rolling our eyes at the whole thing . We were sure it was nothing . We 've done this before . This was a lot of fuss for nothing at all . And yet , in the back of my mind , I know someday it may not be for nothing at all . We act as if it 's that time every time . We have no alternative . They strapped him onto one of those special chairs and carried him down the front stairs , and I stood out on the porch with the baby , waiting until they had loaded him in before I put her in the car to follow . I wasn 't scared . Not really , though I wondered if I should be . The baby 's eyes were wide , watching the lights and the men , watching her dad . And Sam tried to wave at her and show her everything was fine . I could see neighbors standing in the street with arms folded . I wanted to go up and kick them , tell them to go inside , for heaven 's sake . We sat in the room with Sam for several hours . The baby bounced on my lap until she cried , and I fed her until she slept and then slipped her very gently into her stroller , and then I rested my head in my hands for awhile longer . Once it became clear everything was basically fine and they had decided to admit him so they could do a few more tests in the morning , I strolled the baby outside and took her back home . We did our routine of waking and feeding , like we do every night , but I was so exhausted that I couldn 't remember it come morning , and by nine , when I still hadn 't heard from Sam , I started to think really insane things . I had called the hospital , and they transferred me to the ER , and then hung up on me . This happened twice , and I started to think maybe he had died and they were too afraid to tell me , so they were just hanging up on me . I got ready quickly , got the baby ready , fed the cats , and rushed over . And this is the tedium of hospitals , the absolute insanity of it , the time warp of that space : nothing more had happened . It had been nine hours since I 'd been there , and they hadn 't done more tests and didn 't really know any more than when I left . And we pretty much stayed in that limbo for six more hours . I can only handle that sort of thing for so long , and in the afternoon I got grumpy . I was exhausted , deeply deeply exhausted by entertaining the baby in that tiny room , exhausted by going back and forth to the nurses , asking if there was any progress or news or another blanket . I could feel myself losing patience . I set the baby down on the floor and she crawled around and I tried not to think of the floor being dirty . Nearly everyone who passed stopped to say how lovely and charming she was , and I 'm so grateful for those people , since I very badly needed to be reminded every few minutes that she was beautiful and charming and perfect . When she finally slept , I climbed up on Sam 's bed with him and rested my head on his chest , and the two of us dozed , but I wished I had a giant stroller that someone could tuck me into . Sam 's nurse was very blond and very thin and she had the most marvelous Northern England accent , and I didn 't understand , dozing on Sam 's chest , why I was not her . She had made my baby giggle ( something I had not done that day ) and she had given my husband one of those wonderful warm blankets and a couple of painkillers for his headache , and I wanted so badly to be fired . To just have someone fire me , and take over the whole gig - - to be nicer to the nurses than I was capable of being , and then go home and do my dishes and get my baby ready for bed and tuck my husband in with a cup of tea , or whatever you give someone who suddenly might and then probably will not die any minute . Finally , they let us go . It had been twenty hours . Sam was grateful for his freedom . Somehow , I made dinner . I do not know how this happened , but it did . And then , after dinner , I sat on my couch again . Sam turned on Tom PPosted by When a woman delivered flowers Saturday afternoon - - a giant yellow bouquet - - and the card from Sam made me weepy , I thought , " Man , this Mother 's Day thing is not bad at all . " I know plenty of women who don 't like this day much , or at least feel complicated about it ( see this and this ) , and though I can understand this intellectually , for a moment , I didn 't really get it . But Sunday morning when Henrietta woke up at 4 : 30 and fussed her way to 6 : 30 , I carried her into Sam and realized I understood at least part of the complication : was I supposed to be all mother - y because it was Mother 's Day ? Or was I supposed to pass her to Sam and get some sleep , since it was Mother 's Day ? Luckily , Sam agreed with the later , and I got a bit more sleep , but the whole day was kind of like that . I had a complicated day with Henrietta , while I think Sam had a pretty lovely day with her . In fact , the last thing she did before going to bed was climb all the way to the top of our stairs with Sam watching over her ( 13 stairs , plus a landing ! ) . She got to the top and crawled into her room , and we clapped for her and marveled and it was very sweet . But I was off doing something with my Mother 's Day freedom for most of it ( spray - painting thrift store loot , if you must know ) , and so I sort of missed it . I don 't know . It was a strange feeling all day . Over the last week or so , she 's become a completely different baby . She had those rough nights where she woke up every hour , sometimes twice an hour , and feeding her more only helped a bit . And then one day she stood up at the coffee table , just pulled herself right up and looked at Sam and grinned . On the same day , she suddenly crawled more efficiently that she ever had , and sat up more stably . It was a big day for her , after which she slept just fine , so I think she was up again and again trying to work out the logistics . She just turned seven months old , and I 'll be shocked if it takes her until eight to walk . She 's already taking steps around the coffee table . So suddenly , my baby goes wherever she 'd like . She 's over here , stuffing an entire Target receipt in her mouth . She 's over there , scratching the grate of the fireplace barrier . Church is suddenly sort of ridiculous , since she 's not at all interested in sitting still with me . She 's very busy . She has a full - time job . Last Thursday she grabbed the cat 's fur , and he turned around and scratched her face , and I watched her realize this creature she loved had hurt her , and it was crushing for both of us . We both sobbed . Worse : yesterday , when she went to pet the cat again , and I went to stop her , I accidentally scratched her face somehow with my fingernail - - scratched it deeper than the cat had . She was bleeding . And then she was crying this cry I had never heard before . I wanted to project all sorts of things into that cry - - betrayal , confusion , like the central goodness of the world had turned on her . It was heartbreaking . Maybe the most heartbreaking moment yet . Happy Mother 's Day , indeed . All week , as I 've worked to keep her safe and held her when she fell and tried to give her as much as I could that she seemed to want , I 've thought , again and again ( forgive me ) , " This s * * * just got real . " This is mothering on a different level . This is busy and scary and exhilarating . Part of me is longing for my newborn . When I see a newborn somewhere , it 's difficult for me to believe that Henrietta isn 't a newborn anymore . I look at her , and blink , wondering how it happened . But another part of me , of course , is thrilled with every day ; it 's just more complicatedly thrilling , if that makes sense - - and probably deeper because of it , since everything is mixed together . Back to her bedroom Sunday evening , after she 'd crawled there herself from our downstairs living room . Sam took her pj 's off , since they were making it hard for her to crawl , and she toured her room as if she 'd never been there before , talking to us all the while . Sam sat on the floor with her , and I dug around in her closet , pulling out the next size of clothes to see if she 'd fit them yet . I pulled out a yellow sunhat with bees on it , a hand - me - down from her cousin , and she crawled around in just that and a diaper . It was adorable , if I may say so . She clobbered a big teddybear she 'd never noticed before . She pulled on a garland of stars I bought in Paris just after we married . She flashed her personality and her will around the room , and Sam and I were pleased with her , wondering how she 'd be as she continued to grow up . Sam said , " I like this . I like hanging out with you and with her . " I agreed . As complicated as it 's getting , she 's beginning to feel more like my sidekick , my little friend . And the three of us are feeling more family - like . And I , I suppose , am the mother . Let me say this first : you don 't have to be a hero with the green . You 're eating leaves . You 're putting leaves in your smoothie and drinking them . And as far as I 'm concerned , these are bonus greens . Bonus greens ! Two handfuls of green things that you wouldn 't have gotten any other way . So I wouldn 't start with kale ( it 's a little . . . stinky ) , or chard , or dandelion greens , though all of these might be in your future . ( Trader Joe 's has a really nice baby - greens blend with kale and spinach and chard that I 've been meaning to buy again . . . ) For now , try baby spinach . I mean it about the baby part . It 's nicer ; not quite so overwhelmingly green . And then , you need to find your smoothie formula . I think smoothies are personal things , you know ? You have to find what you like in all sorts of areas - - thickness and temperature and sweetness and fruit combinations and how much green you can handle . And I realize it 's blaspheme in some circles , but I am not into banana in my smoothies . It takes over all of the other flavors and makes me sad . Also , I have yet to find a protein powder that I like that doesn 't make things too frothy for me and doesn 't cost one billion dollars , so I just use yogurt as the protein . ( I am willing to be converted to protein powder . . . and de - converted from yogurt , but I 'm going with it for now . ) And ever since I perfected my basic formula , I 've been adding things here and there , coming up with some combinations I love . First , my formula . You 're welcome to use it until you find your own . When I give them measurements , I mean I use the marks on the side of the blender . I pour the milk up to 8 ounces ( 1 cup ) , spoon yogurt in until it reaches 16 ounces , then the fruit up to 24 - - you get the idea . To make it a little thicker , more fruit . A little thinner , more liquid . A little colder / thicker , add some ice cubes . This isn 't rocket science , of course , but I had to make a lot of them , tasting carefully , deciding what I liked best before I figured all of this out . This basic formula makes a good bit , but if you 're having a smoothie for breakfast , then it 's not an outrageous amount , to me . I often split the blenderful with Sam , but he is anti - green , so when I make it just for me and I end up with more than I think I can drink , I pour the excess in popsicle molds and whambam , I have yummy fruit popsicles . * Green Tropical : 8 oz pineapple juice , 1 / 2 cup milk , yogurt , mango , spinach ( This is a good one for beginners . The pineapple really cuts the spinach . I can 't taste it at all . ) * Mango Lassi : milk , yogurt , frozen mango , sweetener , a pinch of cardamom * Sam 's Classic Berry ( his favorite ) : milk , yogurt , triple berries , sweetener ( I love a bit of coconut milk in this . And really , just about any of these are awesome with a bit of coconut milk , but Sam doesn 't like it . Whatever with that . ) I could have gone my whole life without smoothies , sure . But they are such an easy breakfast that I 'm glad I 'm on the train . I feel sort of parched until I have one . They 're an easy meal , really , not just easy breakfast . Sometimes I 'll be out and about and I 'll get hungry and I 'll wonder if I should stop somewhere . But then I 'll think of my smoothie and realize that 's all I want , and I 'll rush home to my blender . With a few slices of still - warm toast , it 's a meal that brings me great ( green ) joy . While my brother was in meetings , we picked up my sister - in - law from their hotel in Copley Square and went to find some lunch . We tried to take her to one of our favorite restaurants in Boston , but as we got closer we realized how close it was to the site of the Marathon Bombings . There were workers repairing the sidewalk a block or so down from it , and when we got to the restaurant itself , it was closed , and people inside were obviously trying to put it back together quickly , and a man was up on a ladder out front , retouching their logo painted on the outside of the building . We kept walking , and I remember pushing the stroller , looking down at Henrietta 's white lacy sunhat , and realizing it was so much closer than I had even imagined . After finding another place to have lunch , we sat in the Public Garden , which is like a fairytale in the springtime , and Sam made Henrietta laugh hysterically by flopping a stick back and forth in front of her , and he said , " It will never be this easy again . I mean , I will never ever make her laugh with such small effort for the rest of my life . " ( And it 's true ; we 've tried the stick game since and she gives us the this - is - really - boring look that she 's been perfecting lately . ) I took a million pictures , and it felt like the perfect sort of day . Even Henrietta seemed to be having one of the best days of her life . And we packed her back into the stroller and headed back to the hotel to meet my brother , and I stopped every few feet to take pictures of the blossoms against the buildings , then hurried to catch up again . In Copley Square , I had Sam stop for a second so I could see the impromptu memorial . There were newscasters in front of it , wearing their most serious faces and serious hairstyles , and holding microphones , and there were all of these people walking around , adding things to the stacks of flowers and baseball caps and letters . I stepped into the area , and it was so quiet , so unnaturally quiet for the middle of downtown Boston . It felt instantly sacred , like a cathedral without a roof , that reached all the way up to the spring sky . I 've never had that happen before in any memorial , but this was so raw , so new , and the space felt exactly what it was , like a monument to the sorrow of a city , as if these objects and offerings really did hold our collective shock and mourning . I walked slowly , feeling all of it , imagining the days these people had - - whether they were nearby when the bombings happened and surprised and grateful to be safe , or whether they watched from home , eating dinner in front of the news , shaking their heads . I wish now I would have added to it , added my own token of solidarity and love , but I was too overwhelmed by it , and it felt almost sacrilegious to take pictures - - like I was taking something when I should have been leaving something . It was , I think , the most sacred space I 've stepped in for awhile . [ Scene : Driving down I - 95 , both of us running on 3 - 5 hours of ( interrupted ) sleep . We 're holding hands ; Baby 's asleep in the backseat . Our tiredness is tipping into punchy , making us feel more in love instead of less . ( It happens . . . on occasion . ) Sam 's just gotten off the phone with the cable company . ] Sam : It 's just seven dollars more a month ! And we 'll get HBO and a million other channels and . . . [ sensing I 'm unimpressed ] they 'll send us a parakeet ! And a piñata ! And . . . a new car ! I 'm a writer , a sassy Mormon , and passionate about the following : quilting , thrifting , cookies , walks , fluffy pillows , Mexican food , poetry , libraries , Fiona Apple , dresses , singing made - up songs , London , green smoothies , Project Runway , learning , thinking , the beach , cats , babies , you get the idea . I 'm married to Sam , a writer and ( sometimes ) Catholic whose job is to make me laugh , and he does it well . We live north of Boston and are raising three cats and Miss Henrietta Plum , the baby who changed everything . Green Mango Smoothie Let me say this first : you don 't have to be a hero with the green . You 're eating leaves . You 're puttin . . . |
Maybe it was all of your awesome comments on my last post , or maybe it was a late morning talk with my mom and a nap while Henrietta napped , but ultimately today was better . Sam is still struggling to bounce back , spending his days in bed , for the most part . So it was all me again this afternoon . And somehow , I didn 't hate it . She was giggly today . I bent and unbent my legs after our naps , and she laughed hysterically . I minced my fingers toward her nose and she laughed hysterically . I sang her little songs , and she laughed hysterically . I could get used to that . It occurred to me that she might want to watch The Brave Little Toaster , a show I used to enjoy when I was a kid . But they didn 't have it on Netflix , so we watched the old Disney version of Alice in Wonderland instead . She sat on the rug and watched it , really watched it , her face turned up to the television as if she were seven and not seven months . It 's the first time I 've ever put a kid 's show on for her , and it was strange to watch it through her eyes , to see what it means that these movies are made for kids - - bright colors , lively music , singsongy voices . And then , when it ended , we started it over , because , why not ? I sat her on my lap with a tupperware of Cheerios and it felt very peaceful and sweet to sit there with her , watching her chubby yet long fingers chase the Os around . On the second time around , Henrietta laughed at the part where Giant Alice cries Giant tears , then swims in them , and I started to think about that , about crying tears that get too big for us , so we have to swim in them . " Oh dear , " says Alice . " I do wish I hadn 't cried so much . " It felt good to keep thinking about Alice , to write out some thoughts , to put images and words together . Maybe it 's a ( prose ) poem . Maybe it 's nothing . At any rate , it 's below . Poor Alice . She 's muddled about who she is . She 's a monster ; she 's a weed . She 's the white rabbit 's Mary Anne . She 's too big and then too little and too big and too little again . The world is bright and colorful and it sings for her , but it wants to tell her the rules , wants her to follow them without knowing what they are . Who are you ? Who are you ? They ask until she doesn 't know anymore . Her dreams outpace her , menace over her ; she manages to offend them . The hare celebrates nonexistence and the caterpillar blows technicolor smoke in her face . When she asks questions , it 's clear she should know the answer . I 'm afraid I 'm not myself , she says . I 'm afraid . I 'm not myself . Household objects grow eyes and legs and menacing necks . It gets dreadfully dark . And still her pinafore stays starched and white , her blue dress buttoned to the top , her hairbow in place , her diction and manners impeccable . She runs faster . Alice , wake up , she begs . Please wake up , Alice . Henrietta , as best we can tell , is only afraid of one thing . She 's not afraid of any of the things we expect her to be ; she isn 't afraid of the cats , or strangers ( she lives for strangers ) , or the edge of the couch , or of falling while climbing our staircase . She 's afraid of this little wooden train whistle that belongs to Sam . He put it in her room , thinking she 'd find it charming , but the other night when he made it whistle , she burst into tears . Our willful little seven - month - old is inexplicably afraid of a train whistle . I 'm thinking about fear today , since it 's what I felt for a good bit of it . And just as inexplicably , in a way . It 's a fear I 've actually been waiting for , a fear I 've been anticipating for most of my life : the fear of caring for a child by myself at home during the day . I remember thinking about it a lot as a teenager and in college . I could not understand how I would survive a day with its mouth wide open ahead of me , all alone with a baby or a small child . I couldn 't imagine anything more empty and depressing . I wanted kids ; I just didn 't know how I would get out of bed . ( I think this was , in part , what I worried about when I left my job to be at home with Henrietta . ) I 've been spoiled since Henrietta was born . Sam 's had paternity leave , and aside from night - wakings , we 've split this parenting thing pretty 50 / 50 . We spend our days trading off taking naps when we really need them . When we need to run errands , often we all go together . We 're so accustomed to doing this together that when we 're on our own , we have trouble figuring out how to take a bathroom break ; we 're so used to just handing her off . It has not been a bad gig at all , really . I feel guilty for any complaining I 've done . But today , with Sam still recovering from his stay in the ER , I had my first taste of being at home for a good bit of the day alone with a baby who 's on the move , which is somehow different from one whom you can set down and trust will be in relatively the same spot when you return from grabbing a glass of water . Sam is teaching one class in the mornings now , so he was gone from ten to noon , and when he got home , it was clear he was completely flattened by the chemicals they pumped him full of while in the hospital , so I sent him to bed . To bed until he woke up on his own . And the day yawned in front of me . And I grew anxious and lonely . What was I supposed to do ? Nothing ? Sit on the floor with her while she played ? Strap her to me and do housework ? Feedchangebathe her ? Watch TV and eat cookies ? Usually , I try to get out of the house . But it was raining pretty hard , so a walk wouldn 't do it , and we were trying to get from Thursday to payday without spending any more money , and I didn 't trust myself to walk the mall without spending a dime . Plus , I thought I should be able to handle it . I mean , what would be so hard about it ? I ended up holding her with one arm to my hip , and hauling out a mountain of laundry with the other arm , dumping the laundry in the middle of the living room , and perching her atop it . I felt quite clever for thinking of this . I turned on an audiobook , and handed her a brightly - colored sock whenever she fussed or her attention strayed to the fireplace or the room with the cat litter in it . This worked , more or less . It took an hour . And part of me thought , " Wow , that took an hour ? ! " And the other part of me thought , " That , only took an hour ? ! " There were so many hours to go . And the mean voice started in on me . " You should be loving this , " the voice said . " What kind of a mother / woman / human are you that you don 't love this ? You know , Sam 's better at taking care of her anyway . When she 's with him , she chatters constantly . How come she 's not talking to you ? You must not talk to her enough . Think on this : If you were a good mom , what would you be doing right now ? If you were a good mom , you would not be watching the clock , waiting for her nap , feeling exactly the way you felt at your first job at the taco shop , waiting for your shift to end . If you were a good mom , you 'd probably be singing to her . You 'd probably be giving her a bath , letting her splash and flap her hands . You 'd probably have figured out some miniature craft appropriate for seven - month - olds , and the two of you would be doing it at the kitchen table , sunlight streaming through your cafe curtains . You don 't even have cafe curtains . " I realized that we have next to zero support system around here . We have friends , but they 're near the city , an hour or so away . And I have a few friends at church , but they have their hands full . In a week like this , when you begin it with a 911 call , you really need someone to help . You need someone to take the baby for a few hours while you reassemble the world . I even called someone to ask for help - - which , folks , is huge for the likes of me - - but she wasn 't home , and by the time she got back to me , the baby was napping and it didn 't seem like it mattered much anymore . Except that when she did nap , I hopped on my computer to get some work done , and the whole time I felt my heart beating fast , anxious and worried . I kept having to check myself , wondering what I was feeling frightened of . I realized I was frightened of the end of her nap . Sam was still sleeping . I didn 't know how many hours I had left in me . When she woke up , I fed her and changed her , then let her climb the stairs to our bedroom , and the two of us woke Sam up . I broke my word , but it was five o ' clock , and he 'd been sleeping for nearly five hours , and I justified it as worry that he wouldn 't sleep tonight if he didn 't get up for awhile . But that wasn 't it . It was the hours . I didn 't think I had any more . Sam and I got to talking about the train whistle , and Sam went to get it . We had thought perhaps she was just overtired when we last tried it . But today , in full daylight , just after waking from her nap , Sam made it whistle and she burst into tears again . She trembled and climbed deeper into my lap . Sam put the train whistle away in a drawer and carried the baby downstairs . I went in the bathroom to put my hair up , to get it out of my face . I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time . Sam said , over dinner , that he felt like a bear who had been shot with a tranquilizer gun , slept for days , and woke up to find his paw had been amputated . So while he tried to help with our bedtime routine , he mostly sat in a chair , asking if she was ready for bed yet so he could sleep . I sent him off to sleep , and wrestled the baby for another two hours before she 'd settle down . And while I wrestled , I thought about this blog post , which I had started , and I thought , no no , you 're not supposed to be that honest . Don 't finish it ; don 't post it ; hit delete and go to bed . There 's something wrong with you that you 're afraid of a day at home with your baby . Talk to your therapist about it , not your blog . No one will relate . They 'll have all sorts of advice you should have thought of already . You 're too depressing , too sad . They 'll say you 're depressed . Maybe you are depressed . This should be the part where I tell a sweet story about something special that happened that made it all worth it again . And I could tell it that way : After we pulled off her day clothes and before we put on her pajamas , I tickled the warm , soft skin of her baby torso and she giggled and I laughed . It was a lovely moment . But still , by the time I got her to sleep for the night , I rolled my shoulders and shook my arms like a fighter sent back to her corner of the ring . Leaving her room , the word in my head was " depleted . " I felt depleted . I 'm not depressed . And I 'm a pretty good mom . And she really is a pretty good baby . She didn 't have any meltdowns and she napped beautifully . She 's teething , but I know things could be so much more difficult , and that they will probably get more difficult . If anything , I 'm still swimming in gratitude that my husband didn 't die of a heart attack on Monday . Even imagining the magnitude of that grief mapped over a day like today is overwhelming . So we were an average mom and an average baby on a fairly average day , and this job is still the hardest job I 've ever had by far . The day was lonely and long and difficult . And if I have anything to say to my younger , frightened self , it 's that : this day was lonely and long and difficult . And maybe I 'll get more help tomorrow , but even if I don 't , I 'm going to do it again . Last night , while I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner , I came in the living room to see Sam dancing with Henrietta to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers . He was swinging her around and tossing her up in the air and she was squealing with joy . Sam was shirtless , and I tried to talk him into putting a shirt on so I could take video of it , but he declined , and so I just sat and watched them , laughing . When I finished the kitchen and came upstairs , Sam was sitting on the floor of her bedroom , and he was worried . His throat was tight and his left arm was numb , which are alarming symptoms when you 're a man who had a heart attack at thirty - five , which Sam happens to be . I changed the baby 's diaper while we talked it over - - it being whether or not to take him to the ER . We prayed about it , and I felt more worried than I had before we prayed , so I talked him into letting me call his cardiology office . The doctor on call said what we expected : don 't take a chance ; he needs to go in . But she said something I didn 't expect : Call 911 . Now . Sam handed the phone to me so she could insist . And when I told her we were a two - minute drive to the hospital and couldn 't I just drive him , she said the situation could change in an instant and there would be absolutely nothing I could do for him if it did . I needed to get him help , fast . So I hung up with her , and called . I don 't think I 've ever called 911 before , and I can 't say it was any fun . I wanted to ask them to please spare us the lights and sirens , thinking about our neighbors parting their curtains to see who was being hauled off . But of course I didn 't ask that , and they arrived . First a cop , then a fire truck , then the paramedics . Suddenly , our living room was full of them , these uniformed men wearing their serious faces and standing with their feet spread apart , wearing their big manly boots , asking both of us questions and writing down our answers on index cards and refusing to be direct about the results of the portable EKG . The emergency lights bounced off the walls and strobed our faces , and I stood off to the side , holding Henrietta , pushing puzzle pieces out of the way with my foot to give the men more room . Sam and I looked at each other , sort of rolling our eyes at the whole thing . We were sure it was nothing . We 've done this before . This was a lot of fuss for nothing at all . And yet , in the back of my mind , I know someday it may not be for nothing at all . We act as if it 's that time every time . We have no alternative . They strapped him onto one of those special chairs and carried him down the front stairs , and I stood out on the porch with the baby , waiting until they had loaded him in before I put her in the car to follow . I wasn 't scared . Not really , though I wondered if I should be . The baby 's eyes were wide , watching the lights and the men , watching her dad . And Sam tried to wave at her and show her everything was fine . I could see neighbors standing in the street with arms folded . I wanted to go up and kick them , tell them to go inside , for heaven 's sake . We sat in the room with Sam for several hours . The baby bounced on my lap until she cried , and I fed her until she slept and then slipped her very gently into her stroller , and then I rested my head in my hands for awhile longer . Once it became clear everything was basically fine and they had decided to admit him so they could do a few more tests in the morning , I strolled the baby outside and took her back home . We did our routine of waking and feeding , like we do every night , but I was so exhausted that I couldn 't remember it come morning , and by nine , when I still hadn 't heard from Sam , I started to think really insane things . I had called the hospital , and they transferred me to the ER , and then hung up on me . This happened twice , and I started to think maybe he had died and they were too afraid to tell me , so they were just hanging up on me . I got ready quickly , got the baby ready , fed the cats , and rushed over . And this is the tedium of hospitals , the absolute insanity of it , the time warp of that space : nothing more had happened . It had been nine hours since I 'd been there , and they hadn 't done more tests and didn 't really know any more than when I left . And we pretty much stayed in that limbo for six more hours . I can only handle that sort of thing for so long , and in the afternoon I got grumpy . I was exhausted , deeply deeply exhausted by entertaining the baby in that tiny room , exhausted by going back and forth to the nurses , asking if there was any progress or news or another blanket . I could feel myself losing patience . I set the baby down on the floor and she crawled around and I tried not to think of the floor being dirty . Nearly everyone who passed stopped to say how lovely and charming she was , and I 'm so grateful for those people , since I very badly needed to be reminded every few minutes that she was beautiful and charming and perfect . When she finally slept , I climbed up on Sam 's bed with him and rested my head on his chest , and the two of us dozed , but I wished I had a giant stroller that someone could tuck me into . Sam 's nurse was very blond and very thin and she had the most marvelous Northern England accent , and I didn 't understand , dozing on Sam 's chest , why I was not her . She had made my baby giggle ( something I had not done that day ) and she had given my husband one of those wonderful warm blankets and a couple of painkillers for his headache , and I wanted so badly to be fired . To just have someone fire me , and take over the whole gig - - to be nicer to the nurses than I was capable of being , and then go home and do my dishes and get my baby ready for bed and tuck my husband in with a cup of tea , or whatever you give someone who suddenly might and then probably will not die any minute . Finally , they let us go . It had been twenty hours . Sam was grateful for his freedom . Somehow , I made dinner . I do not know how this happened , but it did . And then , after dinner , I sat on my couch again . Sam turned on Tom PPosted by When a woman delivered flowers Saturday afternoon - - a giant yellow bouquet - - and the card from Sam made me weepy , I thought , " Man , this Mother 's Day thing is not bad at all . " I know plenty of women who don 't like this day much , or at least feel complicated about it ( see this and this ) , and though I can understand this intellectually , for a moment , I didn 't really get it . But Sunday morning when Henrietta woke up at 4 : 30 and fussed her way to 6 : 30 , I carried her into Sam and realized I understood at least part of the complication : was I supposed to be all mother - y because it was Mother 's Day ? Or was I supposed to pass her to Sam and get some sleep , since it was Mother 's Day ? Luckily , Sam agreed with the later , and I got a bit more sleep , but the whole day was kind of like that . I had a complicated day with Henrietta , while I think Sam had a pretty lovely day with her . In fact , the last thing she did before going to bed was climb all the way to the top of our stairs with Sam watching over her ( 13 stairs , plus a landing ! ) . She got to the top and crawled into her room , and we clapped for her and marveled and it was very sweet . But I was off doing something with my Mother 's Day freedom for most of it ( spray - painting thrift store loot , if you must know ) , and so I sort of missed it . I don 't know . It was a strange feeling all day . Over the last week or so , she 's become a completely different baby . She had those rough nights where she woke up every hour , sometimes twice an hour , and feeding her more only helped a bit . And then one day she stood up at the coffee table , just pulled herself right up and looked at Sam and grinned . On the same day , she suddenly crawled more efficiently that she ever had , and sat up more stably . It was a big day for her , after which she slept just fine , so I think she was up again and again trying to work out the logistics . She just turned seven months old , and I 'll be shocked if it takes her until eight to walk . She 's already taking steps around the coffee table . So suddenly , my baby goes wherever she 'd like . She 's over here , stuffing an entire Target receipt in her mouth . She 's over there , scratching the grate of the fireplace barrier . Church is suddenly sort of ridiculous , since she 's not at all interested in sitting still with me . She 's very busy . She has a full - time job . Last Thursday she grabbed the cat 's fur , and he turned around and scratched her face , and I watched her realize this creature she loved had hurt her , and it was crushing for both of us . We both sobbed . Worse : yesterday , when she went to pet the cat again , and I went to stop her , I accidentally scratched her face somehow with my fingernail - - scratched it deeper than the cat had . She was bleeding . And then she was crying this cry I had never heard before . I wanted to project all sorts of things into that cry - - betrayal , confusion , like the central goodness of the world had turned on her . It was heartbreaking . Maybe the most heartbreaking moment yet . Happy Mother 's Day , indeed . All week , as I 've worked to keep her safe and held her when she fell and tried to give her as much as I could that she seemed to want , I 've thought , again and again ( forgive me ) , " This s * * * just got real . " This is mothering on a different level . This is busy and scary and exhilarating . Part of me is longing for my newborn . When I see a newborn somewhere , it 's difficult for me to believe that Henrietta isn 't a newborn anymore . I look at her , and blink , wondering how it happened . But another part of me , of course , is thrilled with every day ; it 's just more complicatedly thrilling , if that makes sense - - and probably deeper because of it , since everything is mixed together . Back to her bedroom Sunday evening , after she 'd crawled there herself from our downstairs living room . Sam took her pj 's off , since they were making it hard for her to crawl , and she toured her room as if she 'd never been there before , talking to us all the while . Sam sat on the floor with her , and I dug around in her closet , pulling out the next size of clothes to see if she 'd fit them yet . I pulled out a yellow sunhat with bees on it , a hand - me - down from her cousin , and she crawled around in just that and a diaper . It was adorable , if I may say so . She clobbered a big teddybear she 'd never noticed before . She pulled on a garland of stars I bought in Paris just after we married . She flashed her personality and her will around the room , and Sam and I were pleased with her , wondering how she 'd be as she continued to grow up . Sam said , " I like this . I like hanging out with you and with her . " I agreed . As complicated as it 's getting , she 's beginning to feel more like my sidekick , my little friend . And the three of us are feeling more family - like . And I , I suppose , am the mother . Let me say this first : you don 't have to be a hero with the green . You 're eating leaves . You 're putting leaves in your smoothie and drinking them . And as far as I 'm concerned , these are bonus greens . Bonus greens ! Two handfuls of green things that you wouldn 't have gotten any other way . So I wouldn 't start with kale ( it 's a little . . . stinky ) , or chard , or dandelion greens , though all of these might be in your future . ( Trader Joe 's has a really nice baby - greens blend with kale and spinach and chard that I 've been meaning to buy again . . . ) For now , try baby spinach . I mean it about the baby part . It 's nicer ; not quite so overwhelmingly green . And then , you need to find your smoothie formula . I think smoothies are personal things , you know ? You have to find what you like in all sorts of areas - - thickness and temperature and sweetness and fruit combinations and how much green you can handle . And I realize it 's blaspheme in some circles , but I am not into banana in my smoothies . It takes over all of the other flavors and makes me sad . Also , I have yet to find a protein powder that I like that doesn 't make things too frothy for me and doesn 't cost one billion dollars , so I just use yogurt as the protein . ( I am willing to be converted to protein powder . . . and de - converted from yogurt , but I 'm going with it for now . ) And ever since I perfected my basic formula , I 've been adding things here and there , coming up with some combinations I love . First , my formula . You 're welcome to use it until you find your own . When I give them measurements , I mean I use the marks on the side of the blender . I pour the milk up to 8 ounces ( 1 cup ) , spoon yogurt in until it reaches 16 ounces , then the fruit up to 24 - - you get the idea . To make it a little thicker , more fruit . A little thinner , more liquid . A little colder / thicker , add some ice cubes . This isn 't rocket science , of course , but I had to make a lot of them , tasting carefully , deciding what I liked best before I figured all of this out . This basic formula makes a good bit , but if you 're having a smoothie for breakfast , then it 's not an outrageous amount , to me . I often split the blenderful with Sam , but he is anti - green , so when I make it just for me and I end up with more than I think I can drink , I pour the excess in popsicle molds and whambam , I have yummy fruit popsicles . * Green Tropical : 8 oz pineapple juice , 1 / 2 cup milk , yogurt , mango , spinach ( This is a good one for beginners . The pineapple really cuts the spinach . I can 't taste it at all . ) * Mango Lassi : milk , yogurt , frozen mango , sweetener , a pinch of cardamom * Sam 's Classic Berry ( his favorite ) : milk , yogurt , triple berries , sweetener ( I love a bit of coconut milk in this . And really , just about any of these are awesome with a bit of coconut milk , but Sam doesn 't like it . Whatever with that . ) I could have gone my whole life without smoothies , sure . But they are such an easy breakfast that I 'm glad I 'm on the train . I feel sort of parched until I have one . They 're an easy meal , really , not just easy breakfast . Sometimes I 'll be out and about and I 'll get hungry and I 'll wonder if I should stop somewhere . But then I 'll think of my smoothie and realize that 's all I want , and I 'll rush home to my blender . With a few slices of still - warm toast , it 's a meal that brings me great ( green ) joy . While my brother was in meetings , we picked up my sister - in - law from their hotel in Copley Square and went to find some lunch . We tried to take her to one of our favorite restaurants in Boston , but as we got closer we realized how close it was to the site of the Marathon Bombings . There were workers repairing the sidewalk a block or so down from it , and when we got to the restaurant itself , it was closed , and people inside were obviously trying to put it back together quickly , and a man was up on a ladder out front , retouching their logo painted on the outside of the building . We kept walking , and I remember pushing the stroller , looking down at Henrietta 's white lacy sunhat , and realizing it was so much closer than I had even imagined . After finding another place to have lunch , we sat in the Public Garden , which is like a fairytale in the springtime , and Sam made Henrietta laugh hysterically by flopping a stick back and forth in front of her , and he said , " It will never be this easy again . I mean , I will never ever make her laugh with such small effort for the rest of my life . " ( And it 's true ; we 've tried the stick game since and she gives us the this - is - really - boring look that she 's been perfecting lately . ) I took a million pictures , and it felt like the perfect sort of day . Even Henrietta seemed to be having one of the best days of her life . And we packed her back into the stroller and headed back to the hotel to meet my brother , and I stopped every few feet to take pictures of the blossoms against the buildings , then hurried to catch up again . In Copley Square , I had Sam stop for a second so I could see the impromptu memorial . There were newscasters in front of it , wearing their most serious faces and serious hairstyles , and holding microphones , and there were all of these people walking around , adding things to the stacks of flowers and baseball caps and letters . I stepped into the area , and it was so quiet , so unnaturally quiet for the middle of downtown Boston . It felt instantly sacred , like a cathedral without a roof , that reached all the way up to the spring sky . I 've never had that happen before in any memorial , but this was so raw , so new , and the space felt exactly what it was , like a monument to the sorrow of a city , as if these objects and offerings really did hold our collective shock and mourning . I walked slowly , feeling all of it , imagining the days these people had - - whether they were nearby when the bombings happened and surprised and grateful to be safe , or whether they watched from home , eating dinner in front of the news , shaking their heads . I wish now I would have added to it , added my own token of solidarity and love , but I was too overwhelmed by it , and it felt almost sacrilegious to take pictures - - like I was taking something when I should have been leaving something . It was , I think , the most sacred space I 've stepped in for awhile . [ Scene : Driving down I - 95 , both of us running on 3 - 5 hours of ( interrupted ) sleep . We 're holding hands ; Baby 's asleep in the backseat . Our tiredness is tipping into punchy , making us feel more in love instead of less . ( It happens . . . on occasion . ) Sam 's just gotten off the phone with the cable company . ] Sam : It 's just seven dollars more a month ! And we 'll get HBO and a million other channels and . . . [ sensing I 'm unimpressed ] they 'll send us a parakeet ! And a piñata ! And . . . a new car ! I 'm a writer , a sassy Mormon , and passionate about the following : quilting , thrifting , cookies , walks , fluffy pillows , Mexican food , poetry , libraries , Fiona Apple , dresses , singing made - up songs , London , green smoothies , Project Runway , learning , thinking , the beach , cats , babies , you get the idea . I 'm married to Sam , a writer and ( sometimes ) Catholic whose job is to make me laugh , and he does it well . We live north of Boston and are raising three cats and Miss Henrietta Plum , the baby who changed everything . Green Mango Smoothie Let me say this first : you don 't have to be a hero with the green . You 're eating leaves . You 're puttin . . . |
I watched Willow get out of the car and come toward the porch where I was sitting . It had been seven long years since I had last seen her . I don 't know what I was feeling , seeing her again today . The last time had been a time of bad trouble for me and I hated to think about it , much less remember . But then she came into my mind as she had been the last night I was with her . She came to the steps and looked up at me . I could see she was wondering if I would tell her to get out of my life . I didn 't . I indicated the rocker that was a few feet from me . She came up and sat down . Neither of us said anything for a few minutes . Then , " You 've kept the place up , Bill . It looks good . " I grunted . " It gives me something to do . I got rid of the stock a couple of years ago . I decided I was working my ass off and for what ? Family 's all gone . Sis moved out to Idaho and has started a family of her own . I go out in the summer time to see my niece and twin nephews . Ma and Pa are out there with her . I might even go out there to live someday . " I had let this roll off my tongue without looking at her . " Bill , you just said you didn 't have any family . What about Bill Junior ? Or Sarah , for that matter ? She is still your wife . At least she has never received any divorce papers . " " Not family . Sarah gave up that right to be family when she went away with you and Bert . About Junior , I don 't know . I haven 't seen him since he was two . He 'd be nine now if I 've counted his birthdays correctly . " " I don 't know how you would know she didn 't . That 's a story in itself , though . I 'll tell you more about it sometime . " " Yeah , that was the plan . You could have been a part of it . In fact if you had been , it would have turned out to be your tribe . " " Tough for me then . I 'm still not sorry I kicked you guys out and got on with my life . Can 't say as I have been very happy , but I 'm still my own man . I 'm not part of some crazy hippie movement . " " Yes , and for one whole week , I traded a good life for a piece of ass . That was your idea wasn 't it ? You were the power behind it all . It was your idea to have Sarah become one of your disciples . You took my loving wife and turned her on to smoking pot . Then you turned her on to adulterous sex and she became immediately addicted . Was it you or Bert that seduced her the first time ? " " It was Bert , but I was encouraging her to go for it . You received some of the benefits for what I did too . You got almost free labor here on the farm for a year and a half , and you got me for a short time . You could have had more , so you shouldn 't complain . " " Not sure about that . I lost more than anyone . It was you who talked about the wonders of the barter system . It was cost free labor for housing , food and all that went into making a happy home . No labor in return for what was necessary . I could have hired it done for a few bucks and I would have been a lot happier these last few years . You said nothing about the sex and the taking of my wife and son . I say it was a damn poor bargain . " " Okay it didn 't work out . Sarah really was pretty easy to convince . She was sick of shoveling manure and working her butt off . Bert and I took some of that off her back . We wanted to do the same for you . It took us one week to turn her , but six months to even get close to you . But then you were only willing to try it for a week and the condition you made gave you an easy out . You were a damned fool for not taking advantage of what we had to offer . " What Willow was saying , was bringing the anger back that I thought I had rid myself of . Willow Smith is four years younger than I am and Bert Smith is three years my junior . Twenty - two and twenty - three at the time we first met . They were students at a nearby college . The school was a hot - bed of change and these well - to - do students who had no idea about life , were looking to change the world . It was burn your bra and commune time , with free love and some activism thrown in . In my mind remembering , I went back seven years and more in time before Willow . I met my wife , Sarah Burns , right after high school . We dated for a few months and were inseparable . We were a small - town product and would be working toward having a home with kids , just like our parents did . Then my number came up to join Uncle Sam in some overseas endeavors . I was drafted and I was back home in two years . Sarah and I picked up where we had left off before I was called up . I was pretty sure Sarah was true to me . At least all of our mutual friends said she was . When I reached home after the service , I went into a factory to work and Sarah worked in an office . When we married , she became Mrs . William Loomis . For a home , we purchased an old run - down farm and were planning on having at least three kids , while we were building up the farm . Sarah was glad to stay home while I worked out and she planned on putting food by . We were raising a couple of pigs , a milk cow , a beef for slaughter , and a few chickens . Tending to these were her chores . I did the heavy work , but she was right alongside me . My job in the factory was to pay the mortgage and maybe see a movie once in awhile . Television was an 11 - inch set that we could get two channels on . In the spring of the first year of farm ownership , we borrowed enough sap buckets from a neighbor to tap out and gather sap to make maple syrup . We worked around the clock it seemed , but we did take time to make a baby . When the baby arrived , Sarah 's chores fell on me when I got home from the factory . I never thought to make a complaint . This was what we both wanted and were working for . This wasn 't a modern operation . I had a twenty - five - year - old tractor . It had a loader on front to handle manure and I had a decrepit manure spreader . When the loader came off the tractor , you could bolt on a table saw that was belt driven for sawing wood . The furnace in the cellar was a beast that burned wood and a lot of it . Sarah was right there handing on the four - foot sticks for me to cut . The whole shebang set me back $ 357 total . I had no haying equipment . I hired a man to cut , rake and bale the hay and I paid him twenty - one cents a bale to do it all . That was for the first cutting . For the little bit of hay I made for the second cut , I borrowed a tractor with a mower to cut grass . I put the hay loose into the barn with my pickup . By this time , Bill Junior was four months old , and we had been on the farm almost two years . I didn 't know it then and I didn 't have any idea anything would go wrong when a couple of college students , named Smith , showed up at our door one Saturday afternoon . I was getting in the last of the second cutting of hay and they pitched in . The hay was in in no time . Then they said they heard that there was an old cabin up in the woods that had been used for hired help in days gone by . Could they rent it ? I showed it to them . I certainly wouldn 't want to live in it . They would , even without facilities or insulation . I was ashamed to charge them anything , but I would accept some help if they would relieve Sarah of some of her chores . We struck the deal with a handshake . They said that they were through with college at the end of the semester and would have more time to help if I needed it . They lasted in the old cabin until December . The sheet metal stove I furnished caused a fire , which was soon extinguished . I guess they weren 't paying attention and it overheated . I had cautioned them about the stove , but they didn 't listen . I wondered how they could be so dumb as to have the stove overheat while they were right there . By this time we had become well acquainted and friends . We also were depending on the help they were providing with the chores . Neither kept very clean and always wore extra clothes which emitted an unwashed odor . This seemed to be standard with the hippy movement . They were no worse than others we came in contact with . Bert and Willow Smith moved into a spare bedroom upstairs in our house . It took awhile to get the smoky smell from their belongings , but they were glad to live in a residence with facilities again . We had a great Christmas and they bought a 13 - inch television and antenna for the house . We could get five channels on television with the new setup . I came to enjoy having another young couple our age around . They were both intelligent and articulate . Our room and theirs were far enough apart , being on different floors , so we couldn 't hear them , and I suppose the reverse was true . I was twenty - six and Sarah was twenty - four . Junior would be one year old in the spring . There were some other benefits that came with having Willow and Bert living with us . Money was no object to them and we were often treated to some exotic foodstuffs or sometimes a night out to dinner . Often , if I needed a small tool or some nails , Bert would buy it and say forget about it when I offered to pay . By the time of Junior 's one - year birthday , they were like brother and sister to both Sarah and me . In the summer , Sarah and I were seeing what Willow and Bert looked like . The summer before when they first arrived , they were always discreet about what they wore and were always covered . Now they still wore clothes , but occasionally flashes of skin could be observed . And sometimes Willow bumped into or brushed against me when there was no need . If I had thought about it , I would have recognized that this was a subtle seduction . Sarah wasn 't being as careful about covering herself , and I did caution and admonish her about sometimes displaying more than I thought proper . We had a great summer and fall . Mother Earth News was championing this lifestyle we were living , as back - to - the - land people . There were other publications , books and newspapers coming into our home as well . Robert H . Rimmer 's books were eagerly awaited as they came out . " The Harrad Experiment " and " The Girl From Boston " were read and discussed more than any . Nancy Friday was writing books that dealt with women and their fantasies , " My Secret Garden " being the best . John Warren Wells was another one that dealt with the sexual revolution . Psychic healers had their following . Edgar Casey , the most honest , was written about in the book , " There is a River " by Thomas Sugrue . Ruth Montgomery had her special following as well . Sarah and the Smiths had time to read and discuss this material while I worked . It seemed as if everyone from all walks of life were searching for someone to follow that would make their life better or more interesting - - whether cult or commune . I suppose in a way I was above much of this , as I was putting in fifty hours in the factory every week . On top of that , it was I who managed everything going on at home . I have to admit , my farm was further along to where I wanted it to be . We had doubled the syrup production the second year with hardly any extra labor on my part . I wasn 't aware of it at the time , but more often than not , it was Willow and me who were paired together doing the outside chores . Willow always was the volunteer to cut or help get the wood in . She would be on one row with me in the next , weeding the garden together . She was bubbly and happy and tackled any chore with gusto . I came to depend on her nearly as much as I did my wife . Bert and Sarah did the chores around and inside the house . Sarah had always done the chores , but sometimes complained . Junior knew who his mother was , but he was just as happy cuddling with Willow and she gloried in the love he extended to her . I know now I was too naive about several things . For months I had been smelling an unusual odor when I came home . I supposed it was incense the Smiths had a habit of lighting . I can tell you I knew from nothing about marijuana . It was Good Friday and I had been slated to work . I did go in , but there had been a misunderstanding . I was not needed and I was on my way back home by ten o ' clock . I would be home six hours earlier than my usual time . Coming into the house , the smell I had wondered about was permeating everything and the living room was blue . Junior was running around , but I could see that he wasn 't really aware of what he was doing . I looked into our bedroom and Sarah was naked in bed with Bert . I think they were too stoned at the moment to engage in sex , but I didn 't doubt that it had taken place earlier . Willow was asleep in the bedroom upstairs . That fact didn 't surprise me too much as she was the one that usually did the milking and other chores in the morning . She was always up at five o ' clock and when finished with the chores , she showered and went back to bed . I blew up , getting as angry as I had ever been , and yanked Bert and Sarah from my bed and kicked them outside . I pulled a naked Willow from her bed and hustled her down the stairs and out the door to join them . I tended to Junior , putting him into my bed that was still warm . It was cold and the wind was still blowing across the yard off the snow that hadn 't melted yet . There were three naked people standing on my porch trying to get in by hammering on the door . My son was now curled in my bed , asleep or out of it . I set about opening the windows where I could , to get the stench out of the house . The back door was wide open , but those outside didn 't want to walk around to the back stoop through the mud in their bare feet . Maybe I got carried away a little , but maybe not . I floored Bert with a punch to the belly as I let them in . He lay there retching on the floor . I pointed to Sarah to head into our room . She was aware enough now to be worried . Willow stood there in front of me with defiance . " Bill I didn 't want you to find out what Bert and Sarah were doing this way , but we came to a decision this morning . We were planning on talking to you tonight but maybe we should do it now . We have been planning this awhile and we are all in agreement . I guess Bert and Sarah got carried away . Tonight we were going to explain everything to you . " " I guess you all got carried away . I suppose Sarah and Bert were going to get it on someday , just from the literature we have been reading . I honestly didn 't give a thought that it could happen . She is my wife , for God 's sake . I 'm pissed more for Sarah not taking care of Junior . He 's almost two . What would have happened if he got hurt or found some matches and started a fire ? You were all stoned out of your minds . Willow , I want you and Bert out of here . I 'll take care of Sarah . " " Bill , calm down . I wasn 't out of my mind . I was just sleeping upstairs and wasn 't aware Bert and Sarah weren 't watching Junior . They must have thought he was with me and had time to make love and get happy . Know this , too . I have come to have almost as many feelings for you as Sarah has . You are a wonderful person and you must be aware how I feel about you . At least wait until you hear what we have planned . " I stared at her . She was something and she was naked . Being out in the cold did things to a person and it was doing things to her now . The cold had turned her almost blue and she was covered with goose bumps . Willow was slightly smaller than Sarah . I had no idea that her body was so exquisite . This was the first time I had seen the whole package displayed . I had of course seen glimpses , but this was laying it all out before me . I suppose I had fantasized to some extent . They didn 't do justice to the real person . " Go put some clothes on . You 're cold . " There was that last shot . " Not for you Bill . " I shook my head and walked into my bedroom . Sarah had crawled into bed and covered up . I hunted around in our toy drawer and found the paddle that we used when we were feeling a little kinky . I didn 't feel that way right now , and this was a different use for the paddle . I came to my senses when I pulled the covers back and Junior was cuddled to his mother , sound asleep . " I was . I intended to beat the crap out of you and I have the right . I was going to break the promise because you broke your vow to me to always be faithful . " " Nice of you to think of him now . All three of you were zonked out and he was running around almost as stoned as you were . I 've told Willow and Bert to leave . I should kick you out too , but then you probably would take Junior and I can 't have that . " " Just listen to Willow . See if what she says won 't make sense . " I turned and went out to start making up a stew of the leftovers from supper last evening . Still remembering , a naked Willow had turned me on and I was willing to at least listen . I had in mind that she was going to propose we all jump into bed together . I had read the books that were in the house too . What was giving me pause was the uncertainty of where this would leave Junior . What about my marriage and my family ? At the time , my sister and parents still lived not many miles away . What would they say ? Would there be as much scandal as when the two couples downtown , business people yet , had swapped wives - - permanently ? Was I strong enough to resist Willow ? I had seen her now . I had fantasized about her and read the books that touted the lifestyle that was supposedly sweeping the country . Today I had seen her in all of her glory and she certainly was appealing , along with being so very willing . Would Sarah be jealous ? I hoped so . I was jealous enough of her and Bert . Making love to Willow would be revenge in a way and promised to be pleasurable . I decided I would listen to what their proposal was . " For myself , not much , although I could wish for more . Sarah needs a divorce . A very quiet one . No , that 's not correct . Bert wants Sarah to get a divorce . They joined a church group and he has moved up in the church hierarchy . Also they have been living together all of these years . They aren 't married and if it is discovered , he loses his position . " " Yes , I am a part of it . It is I who has planned how to make this happen for Bert . I 'll tell you that now , because you would think it anyway . It certainly isn 't your wife . She lives day - to - day and always has since we left here . Bert can 't seem to do without her , so someone has had to see that he reaches his potential . I think he is at the point where he doesn 't need me now . " I have to confess something about what happened so many years ago . The reason I wanted to have us all together , was because I wanted to have a part of you just as much as Sarah had . Instead I tore your life up and made it impossible to have your love . That week I had you to myself is the high point of my whole life . When Bert and Sarah broke their promise to us , I hated them . I knew then I had no hope of having your love I so badly wanted . " I remembered back to that particular time in the past . That was the day I discovered that Bert and Sarah were intimate and Willow had maneuvered them into becoming so , because of her own agenda . I was prevented from beating on my wife because of my son when I approached her . That fact calmed me long enough so I could wait to hear what they were proposing for the future . It was evening before I sat down with them . Bert was still hurting because I had really belted him . Sarah 's high had worn off by this time and she was realizing how much she had betrayed me . She was guilty and I reminded her of being so . It was Willow of course who was the spokesperson . " Bill , Bert and I have been here a year and a half and this is the first rough spot in our relationship . You can 't tell me that you haven 't looked on me with lustful thoughts . I 'll tell you right now I 'm willing . That said , let 's go on to the farm and what we four working together can accomplish . Sarah says you think that the farm now is where you wanted it to be in five years from the time you bought it . " That tells me you have gained three years toward your goal . We can do so much more in having a great life all together . We can have more children . I want one by you . Bill Junior can become as much Bert 's and my child as he is yours and Sarah 's . I love him as if he was my own . He will have better care . You have been working your butt off all the time and are not always here . Anyone of us can work outside the farm . It doesn 't have to be just you . We can also set some rules about having children . It wouldn 't have to be a hit or miss conception with not knowing who fathered the baby . " When we all get old , one of us is bound to die before the others . The remaining partners would have that much more support . All of these books we have been reading talk about utopia . I think we can achieve it , just among the four of us . Please think this through before you reject it outright . " I couldn 't believe this . It was impossible for me to imagine . It was share my wife , share my farm , and share my son . I turned to Sarah , " Is this what you want or is your head too addled to really know what you want ? " " I want to try it , Bill . I love you as much as I ever have , but I love Bert too . I don 't want to give up either of you . Willow loves you and Junior loves Willow and he likes Bert . You get along with Bert and we can have a wonderful life together . " Bert had a pleased expression on his face . I looked at Willow . Her face was without expression . She was waiting . I had to believe she was hoping , but knew it wouldn 't work if she tried to coerce me more than what she was doing right now . The silence drew out and Sarah was restless . " Bill , tell us what you are thinking . Say something . " I guess I thought as much of this farm as I did of Sarah and that was uppermost for the minute . " Who owns the farm or do we own it all together ? I worked hard to get a down payment to buy it . I 've put in almost four years here . " Sarah exploded . " Bill , don 't tell me this is all coming down to money . I 'm ready to give up my share and I have worked as hard as you have . " I realized that these three had been discussing this for weeks and maybe even months . I 'm sure they would have an answer for everything I brought up . Bert spoke , " You know I have a check coming from my grandfather every month . Over time it would be equal to what the farm is worth . We would be partners in property as well as in life . " I had to step back and think . " This is Easter weekend . I 'll think it over and let you know at breakfast on Monday morning . In the meantime , I don 't want you two to look or talk to Sarah about any of this . I 'll tell you right now , I am not happy with this at all . I feel you have taken advantage of my wife and of me . I 'm upset and you think I 'll go along by offering me Willow . I 'm against drugs and I suspect you have used them to get Sarah to think your way . " Did they think I was going to fall all over myself and join them ? Bert maybe . Sarah probably . Willow looked at me . I think she knew right at the moment that she hadn 't persuaded me . " Come Sarah , it is time for bed . " I didn 't say goodnight to the other couple . I took my wife to bed and tried to recapture my love for her , but sex tonight was a disaster . All the time we were arguing , she mentioned Willow being a free spirit and willing to do whatever my fantasy suggested . I recognized what was being promised , and it was tempting . The trouble was that when I tried to make love to Sarah I failed miserably . This didn 't seem to bother her at all . " You won 't fail after the four of us join together . " Sarah was still in there pitching . I knew right then I had lost her . Sunday I tried several times for our usual intimacies . My wife was as discouraged as I was - - not the sex part , but the coming together of the four of us . I relented slightly . Monday morning at breakfast as promised , I brought up the subject and gave them my decision . " This is what I 'm willing to do . First , the property stays in my name at least for awhile . If this all goes to hell , then Junior will still have a home . Second , and I 'll tell you right now , I couldn 't perform in bed with Sarah the last two days . What we had has been destroyed . Some of it may be because I am so angry and against all of this . I doubt what you are proposing will ever work . " Under the conditions I 'm laying out , I will take Willow and use her as my wife for the next six days . It will be the same with her as it was for Sarah and me before you came . We will work side by side and make love the same way . She will be a new experience for me , so I 'll be concentrating on her exclusively . Sarah is not to have anything to do with Bert in the meantime . No drugs and they both will have to abstain from any sex for the next six days . Willow , I 'm promising if they do not , you and Bert are out of here immediately . " " You are going to be my loving wife for six days . You will be treated just as if we were married and I loved you . That 's how the lifestyle works isn 't it ? Everyone in love and willing to have sex with all . You say I have been lusting after you . Maybe I have , but so far my lust hasn 't been strong enough to destroy my marriage . I want to see if during this week I can go beyond what I feel for you and make it more permanent . Who knows , I may have a revelation of some kind . I don 't think so , but this is what you all seem to want . Do you understand what I 'm saying ? " " That 's close enough . Sarah and I have been totally compatible up until this weekend . They need to know about me being with you as well . I 'm not entering into any agreement where the jealousy comes between any of us . " " I wouldn 't expect you to . I don 't want that either . " She turned to the other two at the table , went through the conditions again . Willow was mine for the week . Bert and Sarah were not to have anything to do with drugs or each other , except for household and farm chores . While she was speaking , I called the factory , and said I would be taking the week off concerning a personal matter . Sarah , with Junior on her hip , stood watching me take Willow by the hand into my bedroom . We left the chores for Bert and Sarah . There wasn 't that much difference in the bodies between Sarah and Willow . Willow was slightly thinner and her breasts were smaller . The big difference when we got into bed was the heat coming from Willow . My mind was totally out of control and I wanted this woman immediately ! Was it because this woman was new to me ? Was it because my wife broke her vows and I needed revenge ? Was it because I was searching for an experience that was better than what I had enjoyed before this ? Maybe it was just plain lust . This woman in bed with me had turned my life upside down and I had to find out . It didn 't matter for the moment . I certainly didn 't have the same trouble as I had yesterday with my wife . We went on and on and I wasn 't ready to stop even when there was a knock on the door , announcing lunch at noon . Willow shouted to go away . I played with Junior for an hour before supper and for an hour afterward I let him cuddle in bed between Willow and me . He was just as happy and contented with her as with Sarah . I hadn 't had time to think about the future , but there was no doubt there was a solid connection between Willow and myself . I tucked Junior in his own bed and went back to the living room . Sarah wasn 't happy and said so . To appease her , I announced that Willow and I would be doing the chores in the morning , but for now we had other plans . I pretty much ignored Bert and Sarah all week , giving all of my attention to Willow and Junior . I was getting closer to having to make a decision . I had a problem . I was falling in love with Willow and Junior had already done so . That didn 't alter the fact that I didn 't want my wife sleeping with Bert . Bert was jealous of Willow and me alone in my bedroom knowing I was taking something that had been exclusively his for a long time . Sarah certainly was jealous and I wanted both of them to see that this arrangement was impossible . At least Willow and I were where we could talk about it . I think she understood better than Sarah ever would , the forces that were pushing us . It came to me that Sarah and Bert just wanted the freedom of having more sex . They wanted more sex , but hadn 't thought through it all . Bert and Sarah were beside themselves with jealousy . Willow was the happiest among the four of us . She declared her love for Junior , so that part didn 't bother me . I was the one that held the key , for it was me that had to step back and look at the overall situation . Two people could work through problems , and very occasionally three might keep it going . Put four people together with different desires and needs and it just couldn 't work . |
CBN . com - Chapter 1 One night in 1969 - - it was early springtime - - after signing off at the radio station and saying good night to the technical staff , I did not go straight home . Instead I drove about ten miles out of town , leaving Ithaca 's lights sparkling in the valley below . All over again I marveled at the beauty of this Finger Lake country in upstate New York . The moon was just past full , peepers were out by the thousands , fields were fresh plowed , or whatever you do to fields in the spring . I 'd never spent any time around farms ; microphones and turntables . . . that was my world . I couldn 't imagine what had pulled me out to take a look at this place again . When I had seen it last it had seemed like a big nothing - - just a tumble - down old barn like a hundred others around here . The silo roof was caved in , rusty sheets of galvanized iron creaking in the breeze . There was an incredible stink about the place that Peg said were " normal " barn smells of manure and rotting straw . Maybe a little dirtier than most : Peg 's husband was dead and help was hard to find . Why was it then that I saw this old barn differently now , as I pulled the car quietly to a stop so as not to wake Peg in the farm house beyond . Why , as I switched off the headlights , did the place suddenly seem - I don 't know . Holy . It was more than just the magic of moonlight , which turned the old weathered wood silver . It was more than a night breeze which blew the barnyard smells away from me . I got out of the car and pushed the huge sliding doors open just a crack . Peg 's dog Niki heard me and set up a hysterical yapping . Poor Peg two o ' clock in the morning ! It was dark in the big barn . Only a little moonlight came in through the holes in the roof . Off to one side I thought I could make out a pile of hay , to the other what looked like a vast junk heap . A huge centerpost grew out of the floor holding up the beams that in turn held up the roof . Somewhere in the shadows a cow heaved to her feet and stamped , waked up by that darn dog , no doubt . And still I continued to look around with strangely opened eyes . Crazy ideas kept coming to my mind , like , with a shovel I could get the manure out of those cow stalls . Or , I could pile all those old boards into a corner . But what for ? What could anyone use an old barn for - especially me , of all people on earth ? Now that my eyes were adjusting to the dark I could see that the shadow on my right was a junk pile , all right : ragged Sears - Roebuck catalogues , rusty farm machinery , an old mattress . And yet I didn 't go back . Instead I took a long rambling drive through the dark countryside . What was there about that old barn ? It had a strange pull , which I could not understand . Certainly there was nothing about a barn that meshed gear with our lives , lives which up until recently had been centered on the New York rock music scene : pot , LSD , heavy drinking , running around with the Beatles , the Stones , Bobby Dylan . Where was that world now ? Finished and done with in one sense . And yet in another sense filling my whole mind , just as bits and scraps of the past filled that old barn . All of us hang onto stuff from the past . Some of it salvageable and good . Some of it just lying there rotting . To me , nighttime air raids over Glasgow were just the way life was - noisy , but not frightening . I accepted them the same way I accepted food shortages and soldiers in the streets ; British and American uniforms side by side . At the first wail of the sirens I would climb into a chair beside the window to watch the city lack out street by street , until all I could see was the flicker of flashlights as wardens went from house to house checking blackout curtains . As far as I knew , life had never been any different . Soon my father would come into my room in the tiny walk - up apartment where he , Mum and I lived , and pick me up in his arms . Always it was the same . First I would rub the end of his nose in a silly little game we 'd somehow started . I rubbed it so often he had a shiny patch there . Then Dad would speak to God , asking Him whether we should go to the air raid shelter . I could never hear God 's answer , but Dad could , because we hardly ever did go to the shelter . " We will trust God , " Dad would say . Outside I could hear men shouting , fire fighting equipment rumbling by . Sometimes there would be earth - rocking explosions as bombs struck the Clyde Bank shipyards nearby . I remember the first time I ever saw a frightened person - and there wasn 't even a raid that night . Some people had come to see my parents , bringing a little boy about my age , three or four , I suppose , and the two of us were put down in my bed . When Mum had tucked us in , she switched off the light . Immediately the boy began to scream . His mother ran into the room crying : For the most part this freedom from fear was an inheritance from my father . Dad was one of six sons of a small hotelkeeper in Inverness . All went off to the First World War ; three came back . It was during this war , while he was in India , that Dad had a remarkable experience . He knew nothing at all about God when he left home for overseas duty . But one day in India while he was away from his unit , walking along a country road , a strange and mighty power swept him to his knees . He had no idea what was happening , except that he knew he had met God . His conversion was as permanent as it was unexpected . But it was not something he could talk about with his family . He came back to Scotland to find that his widowed mother had nearly lost her mind with grief for her three dead sons . Soon she packed her bags and fled to America , where we heard from her only occasionally ; bitter , complaining , unhappy letters . God was as much a part of normal life to me as the air raids . I remember sitting in the kitchen with my mother one day listening to a Bible story . All of a sudden , as she read , I noticed another person in the room . He was wearing a robe with all kinds of colors glinting from it like a rainbow . In his hands I saw blood - caked holes . He had no shoes on and his feet were hurt and torn too . I looked up at his face and had to shut my eyes ; above his shoulders was a blinding light . I knew who he was and wasn 't surprised to see him ; what surprised me was that Mum just went on reading . The person I was looking at was not a hazy vision but perfectly solid . Except for the light where I couldn 't look , he seemed as flesh - and - blood as Mum . I jumped up and ran to him - and just as suddenly he was gone . I burst into tears . Mother took me in her arms . " It 's all right , Charlie . Don 't cry . He 's still here . Jesus is always here . Would you like to talk to Him ? " But that was the only thing I liked about Sunday . Mostly it was a day when we couldn 't do things . Other days , when Dad 's shift was off at the shipyards , he 'd take me riding on his bicycle - sometimes clear out to the sea . I could never understand why what was such fun on weekdays was a sin on Sunday . Listening to the radio was a sin every day . The neighbors downstairs had a set but I was not allowed to visit them when it was playing . Motion pictures were even worse . Everyone who went to the movies was going to hell . So was everyone who smoked . This bothered me because I had a good friend who smoked . He was an American soldier who gave me chewing gum and I didn 't like to think of him in everlasting damnation . I was five when the war ended . There was still very little food and fuel but I didn 't mind because I couldn 't remember anything else . For a while I missed the friendly soldiers in the streets ; then in the fall of 1945 I started school and made a lot of new friends . Now I hated Sundays worse than ever because that was the day the boys met to play soccer in a lot where a neighbor 's home had been before it was hit by a buzz bomb . Since it was Sunday I was not allowed to join them . My reaction was panic . I didn 't want to go anywhere . Especially not to America . America was where my angry , dour grandmother lived . And what about my friends ? My friends thought otherwise . " Charlie will be scalped by the Indians ! " they chanted . They warned me that lions would eat me and giraffes would step on me . But worse than the threat of wild men and animals was the spectacle of our home breaking up before my eyes . Bit by bit , during that Christmas season of 1948 , I watched it all go . There went the umbrella stand ; there went Mum 's kettle , and my little push - pedal car . The only things we kept were our clothes and some family photographs . Finally everything else was gone . We borrowed crates from the greengrocer to sit on . These bare , ugly rooms had been our home . I remember a lot of people crying at the train station , then a long train ride . On January 1 , 1949 , we boarded the S . S . America in Southampton . Most of the passengers were still celebrating New Year 's Eve and I stared at them in astonishment . The drunks who had sometimes stumbled into the church back in Glasgow were poor and dirty , but these boisterous , reeling people were better dressed than we were . Dad and I were put in one cabin with a lot of men , Mum in another with a group of women . The crossing was stormy all the way : one morning Dad and I were the only two passengers in the dining room . Finally on the morning of January 6 we steamed into the Hudson River . I couldn 't believe the size of everything . Automobiles were enormous . Buildings towered higher than mountains . Bridges were longer than anything I had ever seen . To make a good impression when we arrived at my grandmother 's , I wore my best clothes , which of course meant kilts . It was a mistake . Even Grandmother , when at last we reached her house in New Jersey , scoffed at my old - country appearance , while the boys in the neighborhood were hysterical . While my father was trying to find work - post - war jobs were hard to come by and he was not a citizen - I did my best to adjust to this new land . First , there was learning to think in dollars instead of pounds , shillings and pence . Harder to get used to was the amount of food Americans stuffed down their throats . In Glasgow adults drank ersatz coffee , kids drank powdered milk : one pint would last me four days . We didn 't cut butter ( and of course it wasn 't really butter ) ; we scraped it off the top of the bar to conserve it . Three powdered eggs would last the family a week . Here , two fresh eggs went onto the breakfast plate for each member of the family . It was incredible . The first time I bought a bottle of Seven Up I couldn 't finish it : it was too much for me . School was the toughest place . My accent kept the whole class roaring . The teacher was often angry with me for disrupting things , but I could never tell which remark would be taken funny . I remember the day I asked , " Would you pass the rrr - rubber ? " I determined to become a regular Joe , and when the boys started playing baseball in the spring I put down as my position , " catcher . " But I forgot that the bat is not swung like a cricket bat and stepped right into it . The next thing I remember is being carried off the field in the arms of the school sports hero , Manuel Simpson . Manuel came all the way to the hospital with me , and that made me a hero too . When I woke up from the anesthesia I had pieces of steel in my nose , a huge bandage around my head , and the news that I 'd be breathing through my mouth for a year . Perhaps if we 'd been able to stay in one place for a while I could have earned my place in the group . But over the next several years Dad moved continually , from one temporary job to another - New Jersey , Virginia , Pennsylvania , Maryland - and I remained just enough " different " to be singled out as a target by the kids wherever we were . I was the foreigner . The oddball . The runt . Whether it was the shortage of food my first few years or what , wherever we lived I was always the smallest kid in the class . Eventually I learned that my only chance in a fight was surprise . Once a kid walked up behind me and said , " I 'm going to beat you up , you little squirt , because I don 't like the way you . " I never learned what he didn 't like . Before he had finished the sentence I had swung around and put my fist into his nose , hard . He doubled up , blood squirting between his fingers , and never came near me again . In that same school another boy jumped me in the locker room . I twisted out of his grip , pulled his feet from under him and had my hands on his throat before he knew what was happening . The guy weighed fifty pounds more than I did , but it took two teachers to pull me off him . Dad 's income remained very low during all this period . Night watchman , chicken plucking , making broom handles - he never really found a good job . My sister Anne was born the first year we were in America , so now there were four of us to clothe and feed . But Dad never questioned God 's will , never seemed to doubt that he had truly been sent to this " field . " After work , every evening , he would preach - most of the time in homes and small storefront churches . Dad was preaching the Baptism in the Holy Spirit , which was not widely accepted then . But he kept saying that he was seeing results . Maybe he was , but if the kind of people who came to his services were his results , I wanted no part of it . I couldn 't believe my ears as these loving Christians would gather on the sidewalk after church and cut each other to ribbons . As long as they were face to face it was " Brother this " and " Sister that " - but when the first one left ! " " I saw him on the bus and what do you think he was reading ? " " hasn 't washed those curtains in over a year ! " They didn 't carry on this way when Dad was in earshot . He hated gossip like nothing else in the world . But I might as well have been one of the neighborhood dogs for all the notice they took of me . They were hypocrites too . I 'd listen to them in church , Sunday after Sunday , " giving their testimony " about how they 'd been delivered from nicotine - and know which ones had been sneaking cigarettes back of the building before the service . Just because I was young did they think I had no eyes or ears or any sense at all ? And then the thing happened which made me wonder if God saw anything at all . Dad had found work in a food - packing plant near the church where he was pastoring and since we stayed with a family who attended the church there was no rent to pay . I remember that I had my own room in those people 's house , the nicest room I ever had . The man who owned the house said if I was a good boy he was going to give me a bicycle . One afternoon I was lying on the bed reading , when this man walked in and shut the door . He said something about being tired and lay down beside me . After a while he began talking about my clothes - how they were too tight and he 'd loosen them for me . I didn 't know what was happening . For a while I was too frightened and confused to move . Then I bolted off the bed and ran down to the cellar and hid . I was too ashamed to tell my father about it . But when it happened again and then a third time , I finally did . I don 't know what happened between Dad and the man . I only know I came home from school one day to find Mum crying as she put our things in a suitcase . We left that same evening and nobody even came to say goodbye . The funny thing was that outside of church , if only we stayed in one place long enough , I would meet great people . Down the street from our house in Winchester , Virginia , for example was a little store owned by a man and his wife , Ted and Margie . They had a popcorn machine outside the store on the sidewalk . Inside were comic books , candy and a soda pop dispenser . Ted and Margie let me spend hours there , just hanging around . I was especially fascinated by the Wild West stuff for sale . By American standards I was too old to be playing cowboys , but in Glasgow I 'd never had the chance . Toward Christmas 1951 , just after my twelfth birthday , they got in a new supply of guns and holsters . They were unbelievable . One set in particular haunted me . The guns had mother - of - pearl handles ; the belt and holsters were jet black with silver studs . I 'd go around whispering to myself , " Don 't anyone buy them . " I just wanted them to stay there where I could look at them . Then one day that set was gone . For days a lump came up in my throat whenever I thought of those guns . Christmas morning Ted and Margie asked me to come down to their store . They gave me a package all wrapped up in red paper . It was my gun set ! I couldn 't get over it . For months I went around practicing my draw . Why couldn 't Christians be like Ted and Margie , who never went to church ? But Christians weren 't like that . By the time we moved to Hagerstown , Maryland , I found myself rejecting church and everything it stood for . It was in Hagerstown that I first went to the movies . Though I thought I no longer believed in sin and hell , I shook all the way through the show , half expecting to see Satan himself spring from behind the screen . To my amazement , Dad took this outburst calmly . " Charlie , " he said , planing down a table leg as he spoke , " do you remember the day , a long time ago back in Scotland , when you asked Jesus to come into your heart ? You were very small then , but Jesus hears the prayers of children . I believe He came to you that day , and He has told us , ' I will never leave you . " When Mum and I can no longer help you with the decisions you must make , He will always be there to guide you . " I often wondered what my father thought of his own bold words over the next few years , as my path branched farther and farther from his own . The new direction in my life stated , strangely enough , at a church rally , shortly after I turned fifteen . A minister was holding a big evangelistic meeting in Hagerstown and , because I hadn 't done much lately to make my folks happy , I went to it . At the close of the service the minister invited the whole congregation to come with him to the local radio station where he was going to broadcast part of his message . I went along with a group of others to the old frame house where the station was located . I stepped through the door , and my life was changed . The microphones , the earphones , the soundproof studios , the cables all over the floor - - I didn 't understand any of it ; I only knew it was the most beautiful place I 'd ever seen . When the others left , after the broadcast , I hung behind . I slipped into a side studio and just sat there in the dark , watching the announcer through the big glass wall . It was late at night when I crept through the front door of the creaky old house and walked home through a softly falling snow . Going to the station became a regular custom for me . I used to sneak over there after school , open the door and tiptoe in . I soon got to know the exact spots on the floor where the boards squeaked and learned to sidestep them . There was a production studio where I could hide , sitting in the dark so that no one could see me . Next to the soundproof plate - glass window was a control panel . I learned which buttons to turn so that the sound came on in my little cubicle . I would sit , wide - eyed , watching the disc jockey in the next room handling records and turntables , keeping up a line of chatter , dreaming that I was that man working so unflappably , talking so smoothly . One night when I was sitting in the dark a guy who worked at the station walked into the room . He flipped on the light , then stared . I knew who he was instantly - Terry Hourigan . I had listened to him scores of times from my secret vantagepoint . He didn 't sound mad . The sight of a kid sitting there in the dark seemed to strike him funny . I didn 't know what to say , so I simply told him the truth . Fantastic ! Terry introduced me to Jack Spielman . And all of a sudden these two men , the fellows who had been my heroes , were my friends . Over the next several months I practically lived at the studio . Terry and Jack and their friends treated me as a sort of mascot . They took me with them on studio assignments . It was with Terry and Jack that I first went to Washington , D . C . It was with them that I first went to a real restaurant and learned how to order food off a menu . Through them too , I was introduced to music . Jazz , the classics , anything : Copeland , Bach , Mantovani , Percy Faith , Beethoven , Frank Sinatra , Peggy Lee , and The Four Freshmen . In 1957 we went to the Newport Jazz Festival to hear Duke Ellington . This was also the first time I saw people smoking pot . A new drug culture , I discovered there , was beginning to grow up around the music culture . But in our little studio in the sticks , back in Hagerstown , Maryland , we were content with beer . It was with the men at the station that I started drinking . Not that first year . Everyone knew I 'd never had anything alcoholic and no one wanted the responsibility of giving me my first drink . But by Christmastime I guess they just got tired of saying , " No , man , you can 't have any . " Anyhow , one night when they broke out the Budweiser , I helped myself and no one objected . I didn 't think much of the taste , at first , but I enjoyed the grownupness of sitting around the studio with our feet up on the desk listening to Brubeck on one turntable while going out over the air were traditional , mawkish Christmas records . All of a sudden I was an employee . Terry started paying me a little for getting out records for him and filing them away correctly when he was finished . He gave me what he could afford : three , four , sometimes five dollars a week . But at seventeen , doing the one thing in the world I wanted most , that was a fortune . Still , this must have been a rough time for my folks . Many nights I would come home wiped out of my mind and stinking like a brewery . I would cross the lawn to avoid our crunchy gravel driveway and tiptoe through the " sanctuary " downstairs . Past all the folding chairs , past the little raised platform where my father preached , past the attendance board with its pathetic tally of Dad 's results : " Attendance today : 26 . Attendance last Sunday : 27 . Offering : $ 7 . 06 . " Up the stairs , drop into bed with my head spinning , pass out . " Boy . . . " whenever he called me " Boy " I knew a serious talk was to follow . " Boy , I 've raised you in Jesus . Now I 've got to let you go . There are things you 're doing now which I do not approve of . But you can 't hear your Mum and me any longer . Remember what I told you . Jesus is your guide now . " He paused to clear a huskiness from his throat . " I want you to know that a day never passes except we pray for you . " But if my folks let me go , the people in the congregation did not . I still came to church in deference to Dad - after all sometimes I made up ten percent of the congregation . And I still got the lectures . " One of the brothers saw you coming out of a bar last Saturday night , " the nagging would go on . " Don 't you know alcohol stunts the growth ? And you a preacher 's son ! " I knew better than to try to get away . I just stood still and learned my lesson , but not the one they thought they were teaching . For as they lectured , my mind ticked off the number of men in the congregation I knew to be drinkers on the sly . I had thought their hypocrisy could no longer hurt me . But I was wrong , because it turned against Dad himself . From whispered conversations after church it gradually dawned on me that they were planning to dump him , to replace him with another , more popular preacher . An evangelist came to the little house - church to hold revival services for a week . At the end of the week he stayed on . And on . He was preaching Sunday mornings now . " Dad ! " I 'd say . " Why don 't you say something ! Why don 't you do something ? " But that was not the Christian way , Dad answered . Christians were not to hold out for their rights , but to prefer one another in love . I don 't know what Dad 's inner reaction was . I could only watch what he did . He stayed right on in the church , sitting now on a folding chair along with everyone else , listening to the evangelist . They let us go on living in the house , so the rest of us had to come to the services too . Then one Sunday a strange thing happened . That morning my father preached about love and humility . It was not one of those double - edged sermons , which really accuses . He actually was preaching about love . And as he preached , the congregation came , in their phrase , " under the anointing of the Holy Spirit . " At the close , the evangelist embraced him with tears running down his face . The next day he was gone . But I didn 't forgive so easily . Humility may have been Dad 's way ; it could never be mine . The whole incident was just one more proof of what I already knew : Christians in general , and those in this town in particular , stank . New York City . That 's where I 'd head just as soon as I finished high school . The spring of my senior year , I hitchhiked up there , just to look around . The first thing I did was go to the Empire State Building , pay my fifty cents and ride up to the observation platform . Below me was the city , just above me the huge transmitting tower . Dad was sick . You could tell that just to look at him . One morning I came into the kitchen and found Anne , nine years old , trying to fix my breakfast herself . In the middle of the night Mum had called a neighbor to drive Dad to the hospital . It hurt that in such an emergency nobody had even waked me up . I 'd grown so far from my family I guess no one felt I belonged to it anymore . Dad was terribly still in the oxygen tent when I reached the hospital . Then I saw that his lips were moving . I knew he was praying and I didn 't know how to feel about it . On the one hand prayer stood for a church which I couldn 't stand . On the other , I knew that God was as real to Dad in this little curtained - off room as I was . Maybe more . " You 've got your white hair , too , " I said . I swung the bed - mirror around so he could see , and he smiled again . We were embarrassed together . I could think of nothing to say . This little man who lived for Jesus twenty - four hours a day , this little man who saw good people where I could see only their faults , how I loved him ! How I struggled to find some way to say so . In the end , I couldn 't . When the doctor came in I started for the door , but Dad called me back . He closed his eyes . The doctor was reaching into the tent , taking Dad 's pulse . At last he straightened up and murmured a few words from the doctor 's liturgy about how well Dad was going . Perhaps he 'd be going home in a few days . After the doctor left I said to Dad , " Hey that 's great ! The doctor says you can go home soon . " He died at two o ' clock the next morning . Later Mum and I talked with the nurse who 'd been with him . She said that suddenly his face just seemed to fill up with light . He raised his hands and said one word . When we got back to the house a lot of people were inside , removing things that belonged to the church . Mum , numbed with grief , couldn 't grasp what was happening . One man and his wife were even trying to get through the bedroom door with my bed . Half the stuff they carted off was ours in the first place - like the sewing table Dad had made , and some rose bushes in the side yard . But it was when I saw a bunch of them pawing through Dad 's toolbox that I went crazy . Those weren 't the precious church 's tools , they were Dad 's tools - the ones he 'd built my bookcase with , and the backboard for my basketball hoop , the ones I 'd seen in his hands a thousand times . I slammed the tool chest lid down and I did a lot of yelling . I couldn 't put my Dad 's Jesus and these people together . They told Mum that now they 'd need a new pastor she 'd have to get out of the house . Right away too . That night I went to visit my father for the last time at the funeral home . He was in a wooden box , the cheapest coffin the undertaker had . I looked down at him , in his brown " preaching suit , " the startling white hair neatly combed . On the very tip of his nose was a small bright , shiny place . Suddenly it was all back : the wail of the air raid sirens , the darkening city . Then Dad striding into my room , picking me up - how tall he seemed then - the quiet , fearless voice with its deep burr , discussing with God the evening 's plans . . . |
CBN . com - Chapter 1 One night in 1969 - - it was early springtime - - after signing off at the radio station and saying good night to the technical staff , I did not go straight home . Instead I drove about ten miles out of town , leaving Ithaca 's lights sparkling in the valley below . All over again I marveled at the beauty of this Finger Lake country in upstate New York . The moon was just past full , peepers were out by the thousands , fields were fresh plowed , or whatever you do to fields in the spring . I 'd never spent any time around farms ; microphones and turntables . . . that was my world . I couldn 't imagine what had pulled me out to take a look at this place again . When I had seen it last it had seemed like a big nothing - - just a tumble - down old barn like a hundred others around here . The silo roof was caved in , rusty sheets of galvanized iron creaking in the breeze . There was an incredible stink about the place that Peg said were " normal " barn smells of manure and rotting straw . Maybe a little dirtier than most : Peg 's husband was dead and help was hard to find . Why was it then that I saw this old barn differently now , as I pulled the car quietly to a stop so as not to wake Peg in the farm house beyond . Why , as I switched off the headlights , did the place suddenly seem - I don 't know . Holy . It was more than just the magic of moonlight , which turned the old weathered wood silver . It was more than a night breeze which blew the barnyard smells away from me . I got out of the car and pushed the huge sliding doors open just a crack . Peg 's dog Niki heard me and set up a hysterical yapping . Poor Peg two o ' clock in the morning ! It was dark in the big barn . Only a little moonlight came in through the holes in the roof . Off to one side I thought I could make out a pile of hay , to the other what looked like a vast junk heap . A huge centerpost grew out of the floor holding up the beams that in turn held up the roof . Somewhere in the shadows a cow heaved to her feet and stamped , waked up by that darn dog , no doubt . And still I continued to look around with strangely opened eyes . Crazy ideas kept coming to my mind , like , with a shovel I could get the manure out of those cow stalls . Or , I could pile all those old boards into a corner . But what for ? What could anyone use an old barn for - especially me , of all people on earth ? Now that my eyes were adjusting to the dark I could see that the shadow on my right was a junk pile , all right : ragged Sears - Roebuck catalogues , rusty farm machinery , an old mattress . And yet I didn 't go back . Instead I took a long rambling drive through the dark countryside . What was there about that old barn ? It had a strange pull , which I could not understand . Certainly there was nothing about a barn that meshed gear with our lives , lives which up until recently had been centered on the New York rock music scene : pot , LSD , heavy drinking , running around with the Beatles , the Stones , Bobby Dylan . Where was that world now ? Finished and done with in one sense . And yet in another sense filling my whole mind , just as bits and scraps of the past filled that old barn . All of us hang onto stuff from the past . Some of it salvageable and good . Some of it just lying there rotting . To me , nighttime air raids over Glasgow were just the way life was - noisy , but not frightening . I accepted them the same way I accepted food shortages and soldiers in the streets ; British and American uniforms side by side . At the first wail of the sirens I would climb into a chair beside the window to watch the city lack out street by street , until all I could see was the flicker of flashlights as wardens went from house to house checking blackout curtains . As far as I knew , life had never been any different . Soon my father would come into my room in the tiny walk - up apartment where he , Mum and I lived , and pick me up in his arms . Always it was the same . First I would rub the end of his nose in a silly little game we 'd somehow started . I rubbed it so often he had a shiny patch there . Then Dad would speak to God , asking Him whether we should go to the air raid shelter . I could never hear God 's answer , but Dad could , because we hardly ever did go to the shelter . " We will trust God , " Dad would say . Outside I could hear men shouting , fire fighting equipment rumbling by . Sometimes there would be earth - rocking explosions as bombs struck the Clyde Bank shipyards nearby . I remember the first time I ever saw a frightened person - and there wasn 't even a raid that night . Some people had come to see my parents , bringing a little boy about my age , three or four , I suppose , and the two of us were put down in my bed . When Mum had tucked us in , she switched off the light . Immediately the boy began to scream . His mother ran into the room crying : For the most part this freedom from fear was an inheritance from my father . Dad was one of six sons of a small hotelkeeper in Inverness . All went off to the First World War ; three came back . It was during this war , while he was in India , that Dad had a remarkable experience . He knew nothing at all about God when he left home for overseas duty . But one day in India while he was away from his unit , walking along a country road , a strange and mighty power swept him to his knees . He had no idea what was happening , except that he knew he had met God . His conversion was as permanent as it was unexpected . But it was not something he could talk about with his family . He came back to Scotland to find that his widowed mother had nearly lost her mind with grief for her three dead sons . Soon she packed her bags and fled to America , where we heard from her only occasionally ; bitter , complaining , unhappy letters . God was as much a part of normal life to me as the air raids . I remember sitting in the kitchen with my mother one day listening to a Bible story . All of a sudden , as she read , I noticed another person in the room . He was wearing a robe with all kinds of colors glinting from it like a rainbow . In his hands I saw blood - caked holes . He had no shoes on and his feet were hurt and torn too . I looked up at his face and had to shut my eyes ; above his shoulders was a blinding light . I knew who he was and wasn 't surprised to see him ; what surprised me was that Mum just went on reading . The person I was looking at was not a hazy vision but perfectly solid . Except for the light where I couldn 't look , he seemed as flesh - and - blood as Mum . I jumped up and ran to him - and just as suddenly he was gone . I burst into tears . Mother took me in her arms . " It 's all right , Charlie . Don 't cry . He 's still here . Jesus is always here . Would you like to talk to Him ? " But that was the only thing I liked about Sunday . Mostly it was a day when we couldn 't do things . Other days , when Dad 's shift was off at the shipyards , he 'd take me riding on his bicycle - sometimes clear out to the sea . I could never understand why what was such fun on weekdays was a sin on Sunday . Listening to the radio was a sin every day . The neighbors downstairs had a set but I was not allowed to visit them when it was playing . Motion pictures were even worse . Everyone who went to the movies was going to hell . So was everyone who smoked . This bothered me because I had a good friend who smoked . He was an American soldier who gave me chewing gum and I didn 't like to think of him in everlasting damnation . I was five when the war ended . There was still very little food and fuel but I didn 't mind because I couldn 't remember anything else . For a while I missed the friendly soldiers in the streets ; then in the fall of 1945 I started school and made a lot of new friends . Now I hated Sundays worse than ever because that was the day the boys met to play soccer in a lot where a neighbor 's home had been before it was hit by a buzz bomb . Since it was Sunday I was not allowed to join them . My reaction was panic . I didn 't want to go anywhere . Especially not to America . America was where my angry , dour grandmother lived . And what about my friends ? My friends thought otherwise . " Charlie will be scalped by the Indians ! " they chanted . They warned me that lions would eat me and giraffes would step on me . But worse than the threat of wild men and animals was the spectacle of our home breaking up before my eyes . Bit by bit , during that Christmas season of 1948 , I watched it all go . There went the umbrella stand ; there went Mum 's kettle , and my little push - pedal car . The only things we kept were our clothes and some family photographs . Finally everything else was gone . We borrowed crates from the greengrocer to sit on . These bare , ugly rooms had been our home . I remember a lot of people crying at the train station , then a long train ride . On January 1 , 1949 , we boarded the S . S . America in Southampton . Most of the passengers were still celebrating New Year 's Eve and I stared at them in astonishment . The drunks who had sometimes stumbled into the church back in Glasgow were poor and dirty , but these boisterous , reeling people were better dressed than we were . Dad and I were put in one cabin with a lot of men , Mum in another with a group of women . The crossing was stormy all the way : one morning Dad and I were the only two passengers in the dining room . Finally on the morning of January 6 we steamed into the Hudson River . I couldn 't believe the size of everything . Automobiles were enormous . Buildings towered higher than mountains . Bridges were longer than anything I had ever seen . To make a good impression when we arrived at my grandmother 's , I wore my best clothes , which of course meant kilts . It was a mistake . Even Grandmother , when at last we reached her house in New Jersey , scoffed at my old - country appearance , while the boys in the neighborhood were hysterical . While my father was trying to find work - post - war jobs were hard to come by and he was not a citizen - I did my best to adjust to this new land . First , there was learning to think in dollars instead of pounds , shillings and pence . Harder to get used to was the amount of food Americans stuffed down their throats . In Glasgow adults drank ersatz coffee , kids drank powdered milk : one pint would last me four days . We didn 't cut butter ( and of course it wasn 't really butter ) ; we scraped it off the top of the bar to conserve it . Three powdered eggs would last the family a week . Here , two fresh eggs went onto the breakfast plate for each member of the family . It was incredible . The first time I bought a bottle of Seven Up I couldn 't finish it : it was too much for me . School was the toughest place . My accent kept the whole class roaring . The teacher was often angry with me for disrupting things , but I could never tell which remark would be taken funny . I remember the day I asked , " Would you pass the rrr - rubber ? " I determined to become a regular Joe , and when the boys started playing baseball in the spring I put down as my position , " catcher . " But I forgot that the bat is not swung like a cricket bat and stepped right into it . The next thing I remember is being carried off the field in the arms of the school sports hero , Manuel Simpson . Manuel came all the way to the hospital with me , and that made me a hero too . When I woke up from the anesthesia I had pieces of steel in my nose , a huge bandage around my head , and the news that I 'd be breathing through my mouth for a year . Perhaps if we 'd been able to stay in one place for a while I could have earned my place in the group . But over the next several years Dad moved continually , from one temporary job to another - New Jersey , Virginia , Pennsylvania , Maryland - and I remained just enough " different " to be singled out as a target by the kids wherever we were . I was the foreigner . The oddball . The runt . Whether it was the shortage of food my first few years or what , wherever we lived I was always the smallest kid in the class . Eventually I learned that my only chance in a fight was surprise . Once a kid walked up behind me and said , " I 'm going to beat you up , you little squirt , because I don 't like the way you . " I never learned what he didn 't like . Before he had finished the sentence I had swung around and put my fist into his nose , hard . He doubled up , blood squirting between his fingers , and never came near me again . In that same school another boy jumped me in the locker room . I twisted out of his grip , pulled his feet from under him and had my hands on his throat before he knew what was happening . The guy weighed fifty pounds more than I did , but it took two teachers to pull me off him . Dad 's income remained very low during all this period . Night watchman , chicken plucking , making broom handles - he never really found a good job . My sister Anne was born the first year we were in America , so now there were four of us to clothe and feed . But Dad never questioned God 's will , never seemed to doubt that he had truly been sent to this " field . " After work , every evening , he would preach - most of the time in homes and small storefront churches . Dad was preaching the Baptism in the Holy Spirit , which was not widely accepted then . But he kept saying that he was seeing results . Maybe he was , but if the kind of people who came to his services were his results , I wanted no part of it . I couldn 't believe my ears as these loving Christians would gather on the sidewalk after church and cut each other to ribbons . As long as they were face to face it was " Brother this " and " Sister that " - but when the first one left ! " " I saw him on the bus and what do you think he was reading ? " " hasn 't washed those curtains in over a year ! " They didn 't carry on this way when Dad was in earshot . He hated gossip like nothing else in the world . But I might as well have been one of the neighborhood dogs for all the notice they took of me . They were hypocrites too . I 'd listen to them in church , Sunday after Sunday , " giving their testimony " about how they 'd been delivered from nicotine - and know which ones had been sneaking cigarettes back of the building before the service . Just because I was young did they think I had no eyes or ears or any sense at all ? And then the thing happened which made me wonder if God saw anything at all . Dad had found work in a food - packing plant near the church where he was pastoring and since we stayed with a family who attended the church there was no rent to pay . I remember that I had my own room in those people 's house , the nicest room I ever had . The man who owned the house said if I was a good boy he was going to give me a bicycle . One afternoon I was lying on the bed reading , when this man walked in and shut the door . He said something about being tired and lay down beside me . After a while he began talking about my clothes - how they were too tight and he 'd loosen them for me . I didn 't know what was happening . For a while I was too frightened and confused to move . Then I bolted off the bed and ran down to the cellar and hid . I was too ashamed to tell my father about it . But when it happened again and then a third time , I finally did . I don 't know what happened between Dad and the man . I only know I came home from school one day to find Mum crying as she put our things in a suitcase . We left that same evening and nobody even came to say goodbye . The funny thing was that outside of church , if only we stayed in one place long enough , I would meet great people . Down the street from our house in Winchester , Virginia , for example was a little store owned by a man and his wife , Ted and Margie . They had a popcorn machine outside the store on the sidewalk . Inside were comic books , candy and a soda pop dispenser . Ted and Margie let me spend hours there , just hanging around . I was especially fascinated by the Wild West stuff for sale . By American standards I was too old to be playing cowboys , but in Glasgow I 'd never had the chance . Toward Christmas 1951 , just after my twelfth birthday , they got in a new supply of guns and holsters . They were unbelievable . One set in particular haunted me . The guns had mother - of - pearl handles ; the belt and holsters were jet black with silver studs . I 'd go around whispering to myself , " Don 't anyone buy them . " I just wanted them to stay there where I could look at them . Then one day that set was gone . For days a lump came up in my throat whenever I thought of those guns . Christmas morning Ted and Margie asked me to come down to their store . They gave me a package all wrapped up in red paper . It was my gun set ! I couldn 't get over it . For months I went around practicing my draw . Why couldn 't Christians be like Ted and Margie , who never went to church ? But Christians weren 't like that . By the time we moved to Hagerstown , Maryland , I found myself rejecting church and everything it stood for . It was in Hagerstown that I first went to the movies . Though I thought I no longer believed in sin and hell , I shook all the way through the show , half expecting to see Satan himself spring from behind the screen . To my amazement , Dad took this outburst calmly . " Charlie , " he said , planing down a table leg as he spoke , " do you remember the day , a long time ago back in Scotland , when you asked Jesus to come into your heart ? You were very small then , but Jesus hears the prayers of children . I believe He came to you that day , and He has told us , ' I will never leave you . " When Mum and I can no longer help you with the decisions you must make , He will always be there to guide you . " I often wondered what my father thought of his own bold words over the next few years , as my path branched farther and farther from his own . The new direction in my life stated , strangely enough , at a church rally , shortly after I turned fifteen . A minister was holding a big evangelistic meeting in Hagerstown and , because I hadn 't done much lately to make my folks happy , I went to it . At the close of the service the minister invited the whole congregation to come with him to the local radio station where he was going to broadcast part of his message . I went along with a group of others to the old frame house where the station was located . I stepped through the door , and my life was changed . The microphones , the earphones , the soundproof studios , the cables all over the floor - - I didn 't understand any of it ; I only knew it was the most beautiful place I 'd ever seen . When the others left , after the broadcast , I hung behind . I slipped into a side studio and just sat there in the dark , watching the announcer through the big glass wall . It was late at night when I crept through the front door of the creaky old house and walked home through a softly falling snow . Going to the station became a regular custom for me . I used to sneak over there after school , open the door and tiptoe in . I soon got to know the exact spots on the floor where the boards squeaked and learned to sidestep them . There was a production studio where I could hide , sitting in the dark so that no one could see me . Next to the soundproof plate - glass window was a control panel . I learned which buttons to turn so that the sound came on in my little cubicle . I would sit , wide - eyed , watching the disc jockey in the next room handling records and turntables , keeping up a line of chatter , dreaming that I was that man working so unflappably , talking so smoothly . One night when I was sitting in the dark a guy who worked at the station walked into the room . He flipped on the light , then stared . I knew who he was instantly - Terry Hourigan . I had listened to him scores of times from my secret vantagepoint . He didn 't sound mad . The sight of a kid sitting there in the dark seemed to strike him funny . I didn 't know what to say , so I simply told him the truth . Fantastic ! Terry introduced me to Jack Spielman . And all of a sudden these two men , the fellows who had been my heroes , were my friends . Over the next several months I practically lived at the studio . Terry and Jack and their friends treated me as a sort of mascot . They took me with them on studio assignments . It was with Terry and Jack that I first went to Washington , D . C . It was with them that I first went to a real restaurant and learned how to order food off a menu . Through them too , I was introduced to music . Jazz , the classics , anything : Copeland , Bach , Mantovani , Percy Faith , Beethoven , Frank Sinatra , Peggy Lee , and The Four Freshmen . In 1957 we went to the Newport Jazz Festival to hear Duke Ellington . This was also the first time I saw people smoking pot . A new drug culture , I discovered there , was beginning to grow up around the music culture . But in our little studio in the sticks , back in Hagerstown , Maryland , we were content with beer . It was with the men at the station that I started drinking . Not that first year . Everyone knew I 'd never had anything alcoholic and no one wanted the responsibility of giving me my first drink . But by Christmastime I guess they just got tired of saying , " No , man , you can 't have any . " Anyhow , one night when they broke out the Budweiser , I helped myself and no one objected . I didn 't think much of the taste , at first , but I enjoyed the grownupness of sitting around the studio with our feet up on the desk listening to Brubeck on one turntable while going out over the air were traditional , mawkish Christmas records . All of a sudden I was an employee . Terry started paying me a little for getting out records for him and filing them away correctly when he was finished . He gave me what he could afford : three , four , sometimes five dollars a week . But at seventeen , doing the one thing in the world I wanted most , that was a fortune . Still , this must have been a rough time for my folks . Many nights I would come home wiped out of my mind and stinking like a brewery . I would cross the lawn to avoid our crunchy gravel driveway and tiptoe through the " sanctuary " downstairs . Past all the folding chairs , past the little raised platform where my father preached , past the attendance board with its pathetic tally of Dad 's results : " Attendance today : 26 . Attendance last Sunday : 27 . Offering : $ 7 . 06 . " Up the stairs , drop into bed with my head spinning , pass out . " Boy . . . " whenever he called me " Boy " I knew a serious talk was to follow . " Boy , I 've raised you in Jesus . Now I 've got to let you go . There are things you 're doing now which I do not approve of . But you can 't hear your Mum and me any longer . Remember what I told you . Jesus is your guide now . " He paused to clear a huskiness from his throat . " I want you to know that a day never passes except we pray for you . " But if my folks let me go , the people in the congregation did not . I still came to church in deference to Dad - after all sometimes I made up ten percent of the congregation . And I still got the lectures . " One of the brothers saw you coming out of a bar last Saturday night , " the nagging would go on . " Don 't you know alcohol stunts the growth ? And you a preacher 's son ! " I knew better than to try to get away . I just stood still and learned my lesson , but not the one they thought they were teaching . For as they lectured , my mind ticked off the number of men in the congregation I knew to be drinkers on the sly . I had thought their hypocrisy could no longer hurt me . But I was wrong , because it turned against Dad himself . From whispered conversations after church it gradually dawned on me that they were planning to dump him , to replace him with another , more popular preacher . An evangelist came to the little house - church to hold revival services for a week . At the end of the week he stayed on . And on . He was preaching Sunday mornings now . " Dad ! " I 'd say . " Why don 't you say something ! Why don 't you do something ? " But that was not the Christian way , Dad answered . Christians were not to hold out for their rights , but to prefer one another in love . I don 't know what Dad 's inner reaction was . I could only watch what he did . He stayed right on in the church , sitting now on a folding chair along with everyone else , listening to the evangelist . They let us go on living in the house , so the rest of us had to come to the services too . Then one Sunday a strange thing happened . That morning my father preached about love and humility . It was not one of those double - edged sermons , which really accuses . He actually was preaching about love . And as he preached , the congregation came , in their phrase , " under the anointing of the Holy Spirit . " At the close , the evangelist embraced him with tears running down his face . The next day he was gone . But I didn 't forgive so easily . Humility may have been Dad 's way ; it could never be mine . The whole incident was just one more proof of what I already knew : Christians in general , and those in this town in particular , stank . New York City . That 's where I 'd head just as soon as I finished high school . The spring of my senior year , I hitchhiked up there , just to look around . The first thing I did was go to the Empire State Building , pay my fifty cents and ride up to the observation platform . Below me was the city , just above me the huge transmitting tower . Dad was sick . You could tell that just to look at him . One morning I came into the kitchen and found Anne , nine years old , trying to fix my breakfast herself . In the middle of the night Mum had called a neighbor to drive Dad to the hospital . It hurt that in such an emergency nobody had even waked me up . I 'd grown so far from my family I guess no one felt I belonged to it anymore . Dad was terribly still in the oxygen tent when I reached the hospital . Then I saw that his lips were moving . I knew he was praying and I didn 't know how to feel about it . On the one hand prayer stood for a church which I couldn 't stand . On the other , I knew that God was as real to Dad in this little curtained - off room as I was . Maybe more . " You 've got your white hair , too , " I said . I swung the bed - mirror around so he could see , and he smiled again . We were embarrassed together . I could think of nothing to say . This little man who lived for Jesus twenty - four hours a day , this little man who saw good people where I could see only their faults , how I loved him ! How I struggled to find some way to say so . In the end , I couldn 't . When the doctor came in I started for the door , but Dad called me back . He closed his eyes . The doctor was reaching into the tent , taking Dad 's pulse . At last he straightened up and murmured a few words from the doctor 's liturgy about how well Dad was going . Perhaps he 'd be going home in a few days . After the doctor left I said to Dad , " Hey that 's great ! The doctor says you can go home soon . " He died at two o ' clock the next morning . Later Mum and I talked with the nurse who 'd been with him . She said that suddenly his face just seemed to fill up with light . He raised his hands and said one word . When we got back to the house a lot of people were inside , removing things that belonged to the church . Mum , numbed with grief , couldn 't grasp what was happening . One man and his wife were even trying to get through the bedroom door with my bed . Half the stuff they carted off was ours in the first place - like the sewing table Dad had made , and some rose bushes in the side yard . But it was when I saw a bunch of them pawing through Dad 's toolbox that I went crazy . Those weren 't the precious church 's tools , they were Dad 's tools - the ones he 'd built my bookcase with , and the backboard for my basketball hoop , the ones I 'd seen in his hands a thousand times . I slammed the tool chest lid down and I did a lot of yelling . I couldn 't put my Dad 's Jesus and these people together . They told Mum that now they 'd need a new pastor she 'd have to get out of the house . Right away too . That night I went to visit my father for the last time at the funeral home . He was in a wooden box , the cheapest coffin the undertaker had . I looked down at him , in his brown " preaching suit , " the startling white hair neatly combed . On the very tip of his nose was a small bright , shiny place . Suddenly it was all back : the wail of the air raid sirens , the darkening city . Then Dad striding into my room , picking me up - how tall he seemed then - the quiet , fearless voice with its deep burr , discussing with God the evening 's plans . . . |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me It has been quite a ride . Our last rehearsal , last Monday , was OK . Then we had a read through on Tuesday , and well , it was awful . We could have had a rehearsal on Wednesday night , but I am exhausted and our weakest part of the show was lines . And having one more rehearsal and wearing everyone out because some of our cast still did not know their lines . And struggling through lines and emphasizing bad habits was not going to make them any better . So with the hopes that those who did not know their lines would work hard on their own , Wednesday and Thursday before our dress rehearsal / preview show , we did not request the additional rehearsal . Thursday nights show started off with a bang ! That is what I would like to say , but actually it opens up with a song and the person singing the song , bless her heart started out fine , but forgot the words about half way through . And the show really didn 't get much better after that . Nerves , people new to the stage . A small stage , that we thought by putting it in the corner we would be able to put more people in the room , but we were wrong . Plus now the stage is in a pocket and the sound seems to get stuck up there and to the actors it sounds loud . But with the new air conditioning unit the room gets cold and comfortable for the audience , but it is loud and we have that much more problem with the actors projecting . There is a theater saying that a bad dress rehearsal ensures a great opening night . And yes , we did have a great opening night . All but 2 projected well and consistently . Two have strong accents so it is hard to understand them anyway , and then they are small people and well , their voices are at a range that just isn 't carrying . But they tried . Everyone tried . Judy , the co - director and I met with them last night and said , don 't worry about a thing . This is a play , just get out there and have fun . And they did , and the audience could tell , and it was a very nice opening night . Tonight , it will be so much better again , because they survived a so - so performance , and now they have seen what it is like to have a good performance , and I know they will just keep getting better and better . And they are a lovely group , and it has been a lot of fun . And although it was not the best decision I have ever made , co - directing a play in the middle of starting a new chemo treatment . I am so very grateful that this cast has been so understanding , that I had such a great friend and talented co - director to work with , and that Denise , was our set and prop Manager . Such talented people . And it is a fun show , and our Virginia is amazing and has been every thing I could hope for . Was it worth the toll on my body , my sanity and my life to direct this play ? As I sit here too exhausted to go out and work in the garden , too nauseous to take a long ride in the toy with the top down on a glorious day like today , yes it was worth it . To start months and months ago with Judy reading the script dreaming of all the possibilities , casting the characters , doing all the behind the scenes work , watching the words become people in a far away land with accents and singing and dancing and mystery , mayhem and murder . Yes , it is worth all of this . It was worth driving up to the Opera House and setting tables this afternoon . It was worth how I feel right now . Because tomorrow all I have to do is take Jessie 's graduation present to her birthday party . And tomorrow is May Day , and I will find the time to dig in the dirt tomorrow and plant more of my plants , patiently waiting for their new home . And it will be Beltane and I will celebrate the ancient festival of fertility and spring . May day is my favorite day of the entire year . it is a " between " day . It is a day in nature when it turns from winter to spring in thI am feeling better these days , mentally . I have pushed myself too far , and it will take time to snap back to my comfort zone as a Pollyanna . And I need to sit still more and rest more and Recover from pushing myself too far . But how do we know our limits if we do not try and push it a little . OK , my little may be overboard to others . And that is OK . Tonight another performance and we will have made it through the first weekend . Tomorrow is May Day ! ! ! And maybe by that point I will be able to think clearer and write another post that makes a little more sense then this one feels right now . It is a glorious day here , and what a wonderful and life overflowing with gifts I have . Posted by Today is Easter and in this household this means a peep hunt . 12 years ago when Maggie was 3 years old , the same age as Bob is now , and Harry and Lily were one year old I had an Easter egg hunt . I made my dye from ingredients found in the kitchen , red cabbage , yellow onion skins and beet juice . I was starting out with brown and green eggs from my own chickens . The colors were subtle and lovely and the safest way to have an Easter egg hunt for 3 Labradors that will be carry the eggs in their mouth . Theoretically . The two of us had baskets and we walked around the yard with the dogs and as they picked up the eggs they were rewarded with a peep when they gave up the egg . After a while our baskets were only half as full as they should have been , and where was Lily ? Maggie had walked around the yard with me and Harry with his father , and in our excitement we had not noticed that Lily had slipped off to get an egg and then never came back . The egg hunt now turned into a Lily hunt . We found her under a bush chomping and crunching on an egg . We lured her out from under the bush with a peep which she quickly accepted and then she smiled up at us . Her teeth and lips were colored like an Easter egg . And I never found one dozen of the eggs I had hidden . That is not exactly true , I have a strong feeling that the horrific gas reminiscent of sulfur hydroxide , bad eggs , were those dozen eggs . For 2 weeks . Yep , for 2 weeks whenever we were near Lily , especially inside tears just flowed from our eyes and a green gas cloud encompassed my beautiful yellow lab . And it took weeks for the bluish / reddish color to wear off around her mouth . Even with what seemed like gallons of Febreeze the house had a bad egg smell for the longest time . To this day I am not particularly fond of Febreeze . The next year we started the annual tradition of the " peep hunt " replacing the hard boiled eggs . That worked out well for Harry because he is so big and his mouth so large that he could just stand in an area and inhale and the peeps would fly into his mouth . I might be exaggerating slightly , but he could walk along waving his head back and forth and just inhale the marshmallowie goodness . Maggie would pick up the nearest one to her and then walk around the yard drooling with the single peep in her mouth . She would keep that peep in her mouth until it literally dissolved into a gooie mess that would stick to her teeth and then she would try to wipe it off , on the couch , or a chair , so I would have to walk around behind her cleaning up the furniture as I tried to lure her into the bathroom so I could wash away the peep . Yes , disgusting and work for me . But she seemed to get such pleasure out of her antics . She was always so good , this was one of her very few bad behaviors so I would forget this habit of hers and each year I would go through this again and again . After awhile it just seemed to be the tradition . An irritating one , but a tradition none the less . And don 't we all have some family tradition that just ain 't right . Or is it just me ? Now when we instituted the peep hunt Lily was just as happy about this as she was with the hard boiled eggs . She would run up to each peep , carefully pick it up and then bring it back to me and spit it out on my shoes . Then look at me with the " Peep , Peep , I found a peep , a peep , I found a peep . Aren 't I a good girl , peep , peep , I found a peep . " I would hug her and tell her what a good girl she was , after sufficient compliments she would eat the peep and then repeat the entire process . Over and over and over . I think she found close to a dozen peeps and was just as excited about the last one as she had been with the first . Lily was a very special child . By the time we had the first peep hunt , both Lily and Harry were two years old . They grew into adult dogs on their second birthday . Like all good labs should do . Bob is three , he is still a baby . He has decided he is not interested in growing up . But he is a good boy , and not a giant , so it is not as difficult having a 3 year old puppy , where we had 3 dogs with Maggie , Harry and Lily and Harry is freakishly giant for a lab and Lily was a good sized girl herself . So thankfully at 2 years old they decided to grow up , sit down and give up most of their bad baby habits . Friday for earth day my friend Bob and I went to the Lincoln High School plant sale . We went to where they had the sale last year . No sale . But there were the most beautiful gardens with a pond and lots of water plants and areas just filled with butterfly plants , and it was gorgeous , simply gorgeous . So we walked back to my toy to try and look in a different part of the school for the plant sale . Bob climbs in over the top like in Hawaii 50 . Well , not to miss out on the fun , I also climbed over and in to my car . It is a little high to do that , but it is kind of fun . We continued to use this as our mood of getting into the car for the rest of the trip . So we drove around to the front of the school found the sale and bought a few things . I wanted a red porter weed , they didn 't have any , but I did pick up a couple of pentas and salvias which will add some much needed texture to my garden that is mostly bulbs with long pointy leaves . I need some different shaped and textured leaves to give a little interest to my garden and these plants should help . They are annuals here unlike in south Florida were they are perennial , but that is OK . You can get them reasonably enough each year . And the salivias have come back with mixed results . Some come back with vigor in my other garden , and some of my favorite colored ones did not make it more then one year . But that is one of the many things to like about plants . They have their season , and they will give you theirI hung one of my bells yesterday , the buoy bell . I have this chain that weighs as much as the bell . Maybe more . I pulled out the big ladder , drug it over to an oak tree that has a limb that would work . I lifted the chain as far up as I could and hung it on the ladder so that when I climbed the 10 feet above it I could pull the chain up to the next level . Then I climbed to almost the top of the ladder and pulled the chain up further . Up to the next to the last step and I could hang on to the tree and lift part of the chain over the branch and adjusted the chain . Then down the ladder and I was able to just lift the bell up to hang . Fortunately Judy and Denise were just pulling up and Denise assisted me to maneuver the bell into place to hang . It is hanging a bit low . But it is hanging . I think if it was up a little higher I think it would catch more wind . So I will pull out the ladder again and try to adjust it . But not today . Today , I was supposed to go to Lily / Jason / Owen 's for an Easter brunch and egg hunt . But I am not having a good day . I have been very moody and weepy . I spent most of yesterday unproductively sitting and crying . I thought that putting my big girl panties on and getting to watch Owen at his first real egg hunt would help , but I am too paralyzed to get dressed and leave the house . I will have to put on some old clothes and head over to the Opera House to paint the set . This evening I will drive into Tally to see Spamalot . Hopefully I will be in a better mood because I am in a dark , sad , depressed mood . Yes , even Pollyanna has a bad day . I finished Thuggee 's robe . I have finished the newspaper for the show , and made copies for all handouts I had . I have no reason to be in this mood . But it has been growing over the past couple of days and last night it was particularly bad , and not much better today . I don 't want to be in this mood , so I will do whatever I can to make it better . Maybe ice cream . I know that it is OK to be a little sad or depressed . And maybe part of this is what I am holding on to , holding in . I have to write Larry 's obit . I have to plan his memorial service . I need to get up and put on big girl panties and deal with this . Make an ending . Have a conclusion to this relationship of 25 years . To put him to rest . And I have a new friend in my life that is somehow without his knowledge or input somehow causing me to drag up a lot of old emotion about this past life . Something about him makes my heart feel things that I have not felt in a long time . Not normal things you feel about someone you do not know well . No , these feelings are feelings that have not be closed from a marriage that is long gone , and literally dead . My brain knows that these emotions are not from this other person , but for whatever reason he is a catalyst that is causing all of this turmoil . So as much as I would like to be friends and even get to know this other person a little better , maybe this is not a healthy thing for me now . I wPosted by If it is OK , I would like to get the whining out of the away straight forth . I am turning back into a hard core doer . That is not good . That is not right . That is my nature . I am so worried about not having enough time to make it to my June 9th retirement date , that I have been working 5 - 7 hours a day . You see I think I am normal again . I know I am not really , but honestly , I am so tired of having cancer . That is another part of my nature . I have no patience with being sick , or sad , or any negative feelings , so I work it off . I feel like Seabiscuit , the horse that won all those races , even on bad feet or through pain , that horse would just work it off , run it off , walk it off . So as illogical as it is , to quit " being sick " I have thrown myself back into things . Back to doing . A human doer . Honestly I loved the times that my body made me sit still and experience , for more then a day what it meant to be a human being instead of a human doing . But it is not my true nature But I am noticing that when I leave work after 5 - 7 hours I walk out to the car and I feel the exhaustion wrap itself around me like the heat and humidity that has settled in here this early spring . I go home and I am so tired that I sit . I don 't do those little things we all must do , like clean the house , mow the lawn , weed the garden , plant the plants , sew the costume , cook food . And yes , I have lost that weight I had worked so hard to gain back . I am not at my thinnest by any means . I am actually just a couple of pounds off of my " natural weight " which many would think is too thin to begin with , but it is the weight that I have been for most of my full size life . But wearing myself out shows on my face and then even a couple of pounds and I look a little haggard . I feel that way , so why should I be surprised that it shows on my face . And I am getting one of my eye things . This one seems more like a sty then the previous ones have . Whenever I have gone to the doctor for these before , he always said they were like sties . And I am getting the " rash " which is really just a nice way to say acne , one spot a week . Not so bad . Except that they seem to get infected or are infections when they come up . So , not the best looking week . And all of these things are made worse by over doing and not resting , or sleeping enough . Yet there is more then enough work to go around in that office . I feel guilty walking out with my staff so over loaded with no help in sight . So I stay and work a little longer . And then a little longer the next day . Then the next day I take work home to do at night as I sit in my chair . It is less stressful working here at home , and I can work at a little slower pace and achieve twice as much as if I had to do both the work at work and the work I do at home . I can still count some time for this work at home . But the problem arises that I fail to recognize this is still work . And it is still taking away from time to do things for myself instead of for the state . And it is taking my time I could be restMy fear of starving to death has also over ridden any well laid plans to retire and enjoy life . Oh no , I must have a job . I must get up and put on a bra and a smile and a happy attitude and go to a job where they give me a check every two weeks . I will work twice as hard as necessary to earn that check . But then I am a woman who has spent all of my life in the world of men . I have had to do twice as much twice as well to earn the respect of the men around me . And I have done that . But what do I need to prove now ? I have done my best to open doors for all people . I was the first woman to supervise Feed , Seed , Fertilizer and Pesticide inspectors for the state . I have done a few firsts . They do not feel like big firsts now . But at the time they were hard earned , and now that they seem everyday because of the woman before me , and of my generation who said , this is ridiculous . It does not matter the color of your skin , the name of the god of your religion , the sex of the person you fall in love with , whether or not you have an XX or an XY chromosome . It is your knowledge , skills and abilities that should be judged . And we have come a long way . But it is time for me to move out of the way and let this generation decide what they want to accomplish and how . I have earned the right to wear ugly dresses and big hats and grow tomatoes . I have earned the right to sit in my gardens for hours with a trowel poised above a hole staring off at a butterfly dancing amongst the flowers , sipping and flitting wings covered in jewel toned scales reflecting the light back in ever changing patterns . And now as an adult when I can now name the Latin name of the insect , I get up and drive to an office . And after I am retired I will work 3 days a week inside a shop . And I am excited about the change of jobs . And I am looking forward to slipping into the community I have lived in for 4 1 / 2 years and getting to better know these lovely people in this town . But what about the best laid plans for Wednesday sewing group . The monthly vegetarian luncheon . The Tai Chi classes . They are already shoved to the bottom of the list . My rant is done , spent , worked out . I see more clearly the corner I am painting myself into . I can not say I will change , for I can not put that pressure on myself . But I am more aware of my nature and the things I do then I was a year ago . I feel a little rested just saying out loud how foolish I am being . And instead of making plans to do less . Which the sentence alone makes no sense . I will try and think about being a little moderate . I have cancer , I should rest my body and be kind to it . Last night I heard one of my cats talking to someone . I opened the back door and there just fresh coming out of its little house under my back deck was the fattest armadillo I have ever seen . The light startled the poor creature and it turned with difficulty being such a girthy thing and waddled and scrambled back to the steps up the bottom one , and then in between it and the next to push back down into it 's lovely hole . The first thought that came to my mind was of Arnold . The pig on Green Acres . Arnold was not fat or girthy for a pig , pigs have a particular shape , and this Armadillo was shaped quiet like that , and with it 's little Armadillo feet and ears it looked so much like a pig . So of course it is obvious that I shall call this child Arnold . I have known I had an Armadillo for quiet a while , but I was not sure if the hole was its home or maybe another creature , like a opossum , that I would not want living in as close of proximity to my chickens as this . Arnold does reek havoc on my yard , digging for grubs in the lawn and in the gardens , but that is a far different story then eating my chickens . So Arnold is welcome to live here with the rest of us . Brave little portly creature to live near Bob and the cats . But they all seem to be cohabiting quite nicely , so that is working out well . I just spoke to Ms Judy and she said , well do you think it is pregnant ? I never considered the reason for the girthieness of my Arnold , or is it Annette ? That would make perfect sense . This animal has just re - dug the entrance to its home under my porch . This is a very fertile piece of property . Just look at the rabbits who have been putting on X rated shows in the pasture lately . Right out in front of god and neighbors and everyone . Mostly ZB , my brown with black stripped rabbit . Stripped like a zebra . This will take a little thought now that I have a new possibility in my mind concerning my new welcomed child . Arnold or Annette ? This morning when Bob was nuzzling up trying to wake me so I could feed him or throw the ball , not necessarily in that order , I opened the back door and lay in bed listening to all the birds . I heard a program on Science Friday yesterday talking about sound scape 's and what a wonderful tool recordings of natural areas are making in the science world . These recordings can help speak to the fact of preserving different ecosystems and how you can hear the health of an ecosystem change sometimes before you can see it . So I lay and listened to the birds trying to identify the individuals and then to hear the orchestration of the whole . How the songs and timing of the songs are adapted to intertwine with each other , so that none are lost , but fit into their place so that their song meant to express fear or happiness or sexual willingness or joy are not lost in the whole . A specie 's ability to survive is partially dependent on their ability to fit their voice into the whole . If you sing at the wrong time and not heard , then you would fade out of existence in this system . My newly awakened sense of hearing tingled as I understood a little better of this world I share here on Farmboy road . I love the name of my road . I love my little road , path like in its meandering to my house riddled with pot holes that can hide a mini cooper . I know that for sure because my neighbor has to deal with that each time she leaves the property . The air rich with moisture and more of a summer like coolness then the spring crispness . The songs and screeches and rapid tapping of of the birds hung in the thick moisture and slowed down the songs . But each adapted to fit their song into the orchestration . The sun above the clouds of humidity lighten the sky but does not show its face . Bob shoves his face into mine tennis ball firmly in place already damp with his saliva . Henry ignores me at the end of the bed , pretending a patience to my laziness as I pull the covers up closer to my face trying to put off getting up and starting my day . It is 7 : 0And today I shall finish Thuggee 's robe , and then go to the Opera House to paint the sets , and run errands , and maybe spend some time planting or weeding . Maybe I shall clean a little in the house . I know I will throw the ball a hundred times , but it will not be enough . And tomorrow is Easter . A special breakfast for everyone , then a peep hunt in the yard with the 2 boys . A breakfast buffet at Lily / Jason / Owen 's house . Then on to Spamalot with Richard and Jessie . Then quick as a breath it will be Monday and our last rehearsal on the stage before the preview show on Thursday . Friday night will be here before we are ready and it will be opening night . And all the work and worries will be replaced with smiles and laughter and the show will go on . But for this moment , with the doors flung open and the sewing machine calling my name , I will sew . And enjoy the sensation of taking beautiful red cloth and with a whir of my Viking sewing machine I will have a robe for Thuggee . Finished finally . And he will wear it in the show and when he spins around the robe will float on the air and the swish of the sword and sounds of the feet on the little stage and the gasp of the audience will end with applause and laughter . A lovely day , filled with so much potential . Quiet potential and sweet bird song . When you are working on a play , you can get so involved in the fake believe that it spreads out through your whole world . Spending 6 - 12 weeks playing other people or directing other people in foreign places with accents and you can loose a little touch of reality . Sort of like cancer . But being in plays is like good fantasy , where cancer , for most people is not really a good fantasy at all . And so for the last year I have been living in all kinds of fantasy worlds . But this is really not new for me . I have always had a very vivid imagination and being a lover of stories , I have never had any problem when sitting quietly by myself , living in worlds of stories and fantasies . I love to read , but not murder mysteries , and I am not that crazy about romance novels . Those are both realities that often go beyond my comfort zone . I love adventure novels , especially historical adventure stories . Worlds that are not too evil or too overboard , but rather where good over comes evil and people pull together to make the world a better place and they accomplish this through amazing adventures . I love the Princess Bride . Both the book and the movie . That is one of the very best adventure stories in that it has something for everyone : sword fights , giants , geniuses , beautiful princes and handsome pirates , bad guys and good guys , castles and wizards , oh yes , and rodents of unusual size . It is one of the great fantasy adventure stories . This morning my drift from reality started at 6 : 00 am when I got up , anxious to finish cleaning the house , make breakfast and bake brownie , take a shower and try to look my best , whatever that might be , all before 8 : 00 am . Why ? Because I had a friend coming for breakfast this morning at 8 . He was passing through from Gulf Breeze to Sebring for meetings concerning his summer work as an aerial applicator . OK , as someone who does not know how to fly either a fixed wing or helicopter , this just sounds like a wonderful fantasy to me . You spend six months flying across the United States making pesticide applications , putting out fires , helping to rescue people , and air lifting Christmas trees off Mount St . Helene . You work very hard and are away from home and family for half of the year , but then the other half of the year you can do whatever you fancy . He is a very talented steel sculpture artist . That is his fancy , and he makes beautiful fantasy with steel . We met on the phone when he was getting his licenses across the country in all the states that he will need to fly . I helped him with Florida 's , and maybe a few others , I am not sure really how much I was involved in this . He is the one taking the tests , filling out the forms , sending off the applications , each one different , each one asking for different things , each demanding money . So that is how I met this person , whom I know many things about , he does not like kimchee , but he does like strong dark black coffee , but do not know the him . Yesterday when I was talking to him as he was getting ready to head in this direction , he said , I may not be driving back home from the meetings , I might have to fly my helicopter out to Wyoming . OK , doesn 't that just sound so amazing , " Oh , I might have to fly my helicopter out to Wyoming " Just a matter of fact statement . Then he says , I have two bells for you that I have made plus a garden sculpture . I love presents , as you all may know , and to have him stop for breakfast was a wonderful present for me . To bring me bells and a sculpture for my garden additional presents . Oh , be still my heart . But wait , then he says the most fantastical and amazing thing anyone may ever have said to me before . " Can I land a helicopter in your back yard ? " I mean come on . Is that an amazing thing to say to someone ? I started to giggle . I had never thought to ask the realtor when I bought this property if it was large enough to land a helicopter on . So I immediately dubbed him my imaginary boyfriend . I don 't care how juvenile that sounds , because I know many people who have imaginary relationships . Some of them don 't even have an idea that they are in an imaginary relationship . I was in one with Larry . I mean I imagined him to be one person and yet time and time again he showed me he was not that person , but I continued to hold my head in the sand thinking the best of him . And that is OK too . Honestly , this person is better then the best imaginary boyfriend that I could ever , ever , and I mean ever imagine . At about quarter to 8 , my phone rings . I am convinced that he is not going to show up . That he is just a figment of my imagination . But no , he was giving me a courtesy call to let me know when he would be there . That is one of my most favorite things in the whole world for people to do for me . Call about 15 minutes before they get here so that I can be dressed and meet them when they drive up , versus scrambling to throw some clothes on . I always want to do twice as much as it is possible , so that is why I tend to get caught with So when he drove into the yard , I was sort of prepared . I think I felt a little like the author of " Venus on the half - shell " , no not Vonnegut , but the fantasy author who wrote Venus on the Half Shell , Kilgore Trout . And in Breakfast of Champions , one of Vonnegut 's books , Kilgore comes face to face with Vonnegut in a Holiday Inn lounge . It is a wonderful read . And as I walked , okay I literally scampered out to meet this fantasy imaginary boyfriend I hoped that it would be more comfortable for both of us then it was with Mr . Trout and Mr . Vonnegut . And it was . This imaginary person , who was standing right in front of me is a friend I was just meeting . A person I would like to get to know better . A sweet and thoughtful person who gives more of his art away then he sells , and he looked real . Felt real as I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him and said welcome . He calls his gifts , random acts of kindness . And that is such an understatement for the joy he brings to people with this beautiful art . Both of the bells are extremely heavy , have glorious clear sweet tones and drift wood pieces at the end to catch the wind and cause the clapper to ring the bell . To sing out clear and sweet . One of the bells has a cut out that sort of kind of in a fantasy world looks like a bird head , and it rings different tones depending on which side of the bell you strike . And the garden sculpture . I love it . It is called " 3 Squared " and that name fits it perfectly because it is pieces of steel welded together to form open squares that are welded together and form 3 uprights of these open squares giving a feeling of strength and gentle movement all at the same time . We put it in my garden next to the back deck . I walk past this garden every time I come and go from the house . And by this summer it will be surrounded by greenery and will standout hard and flowing amongst the softness of the plants . The bells are heavy . They are made from steel pipes or tanks . They are rustic and glorious and he told me he would hang them for me when he came back through , whether by car heading home or by helicopter as he heads out west . Hello , perfect imaginary boyfriend . And I know that I am not ready for a real relationship . I am too self centered . I know we are all self centered , but with the cancer and meds I don 't seem to pick up or respond as considerately as I think I should . I am a little slow at picking things up these days , and feel so very self centered . Not a comfortable place for me . And he came by for an hour . And then he was headed away . A new friend . A friend baring presents . A friend I would like to get to know . He told me a few stories of his life as a pilot . About jumping into frozen water to try and save another pilot . About almost freezing to death a second time when his back prop failed and he went down into the gulf 42 miles off shore and was in the water so long and suffered hypothermia . He seems like a very kind man . And since he does not live here , he is very much imaginary for me . And yet we had one hour of time together , it was real , it was sweet and then he was gone , this Birdman of Gulfbreeze . Pilot , artist , former marine , quiet sweet soul . Will we ever see each other again ? Will he land his helicopter in my back yard ? Will he simply fly out of my life after leaving such beautiful and wondrous gifts ? Will I think of his bright intelligent blue eyes every time one of the bells ring ? I only know the answer to that last one . And yes , I will think of him , and the precious gift he has to not only take steel and make it into art , but then to gift that to people , some almost total strangers like myself , gifted with a random act of kindness . I have met so many incredible people on this journey I am on . And I have seen the very best and sweetest sides to friends I already held close to my heart . Here once again was an act so lovely that I sit and weep a little as I think of the one hour this morning when a gentle spirit drove into my gate and then flew away . And Stephanie asked me about the hay bales . I tried to comment back , but I can no longer remember how to comment on my own blog . If you buy hay bales that have not been treated with herbicides you can plant in them immediately and use them for as long as they hold up . I think the two I planted will probably last at least a year , if not two . You do not have to wait for them to season , and you do not have to wait a season to use them . These were new hay bales . But if you have the right kind of hay bale , I don 't think it would make any difference how old they are . Then Ms Moon helped me to get to Syd 's blog where last week he had a list of behaviors of children of alcoholics . Neither of my parents were alcoholics . My father has never drank , my mother was a very light social drinker , but I fit all but one of the behaviors listed . I have no idea why . But it was almost like Syd was sitting across from my place watching me night and day with binoculars and making a list of my behaviors . I know that it is not true . And Ms Moon also fits very well into the list . Her Daddy was an alcoholic , but I am not sure what is my excuse . Finally Kathleen Scott asked me to post pictures of the baby chicks . I have not taken pictures of them as of yet . I have a beautiful camera . Actually the same one that Mr . Moon bought that Ms Moon takes all the gorgeous pictures on her blog . But I just don 't seem to take many pictures these days . I am not sure why . Is it because my perception of reality has changed so much in the last year ? I know when I look at myself in the mirror I still see an alien where I used to be . And I admit to being a ludite and consider myself pushing it just to post on this blog . I am quite adept at using the programs at work , and can find my way around a computer adequately . Computers will never be my best friend , but they are a very useful tool . So I will have to learn how to insert photos . And there , my first picture uploaded on to my blog . Blue Belle is the one standing in the back , right next to the red bunny house door . I have to say that she has not acted insane in anyway since I told the world about her bizzarre behavior . Now if I could simply wish all the roosters into hens by telling everyone about them , that would be real magic . I have not named all the chickens because I am not sure who is a rooster or a hen . But in this picture , Blue Belle is standing with her backside to us . it is not a great picture , color wise because she has a lot more blue in her then shows . The two white ones in the back of the picture are Gardenia and Lily . The little head just stepping into the picture is Rose , the two in the front are not named yet , based on their behavior and the one in the back behind Belle is Pansy , and you can barely see Camelia , a barred rock and then the butt in between Camelia and Rose is Iris , another Blue Andalusian like Belle . And so now back to finish Thugee 's robe . It is not that long of a job , I just keep getting interrupted with other things and so have not got it finished . But it will be done before rehearsal on Monday . And I feel a little melachonly , maybe how Kilgore Trout felt after meeting his creator . In my case , just an imaginary person who has been a voice on the phone up until 8 am this morning . And now he is an email , or maybe a call , and maybe another visit when I can find out more about the him , and he can find out more about the me , instead of just things about each other . A friendship , not unlike pen pals of old . But this imaginary friend came baring gifts , and put a smile on my face and then a tear to my heart as he flew away . But wouldn 't it be the best fantasy ever , if he dropped out of the sky in a flying machine right into my back yard ? It could happen . And that is what is the most amazing thing about this kind and unknown stranger , anything could happen . Friday I was supposed to have lunch with Carolyn and have my 2 hay bales for my veggie gardens delivered . But I ran late from work and Carolyn rescheduled and fortunately the hay bale guy was running late . I got some things done in the yard and then I came in and sat down . Carolyn had asked me if I wanted to go up to Southern Music Rising , the music festival this weekend in Monticello . I said , thanks , but that I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home with the boys ( Harry and Bob , my labs ) . I had had a couple of days of stomach issues , so going out , didn 't seem like the best idea . Do you want to drive into town and hear Lis and Lon at the Mockingbird Cafe and have dinner ? Mr . Moon is out of town , and Ms Moon has decided to put on a bra and makeup and head into town . Well , then I need to put on my big girl panties and get up and force myself to put on a bra , dress up , put on make up , get in the toy , put the top down and drive with on of my dearest most beloveds to have a wonderful dinner , see friends , listen to beautiful music . I said , " Yes " And I did , I picked up Ms Moon and we drove west to the big city as the evening was starting to settle around us . It was a lovely evening to be out for a drive with the top down . Lis and Lon had set up a table for us right in front of the stage . We chose the bar . Mary 's beautiful daughter May is the Manager at the Mockingbird . May is one of those special people , she is beautiful , has a glorious smile , the sweetest laugh and is one of the funniest , wittiest people with a wicked talent for writing and dancing . May ran back and forth between the restaurant portion and us . Then Mean Aunt Jessie came in and sat with us . Another beautiful , sweet , kind , smart , lovely , intelligent child of the Moon 's . Mary and I ordered dinner . The same thing we always order , a house salad and the Mediterranean appetizer . I picked at my salad . My stomach , said , " no thank you " Then my appetizer came , and my stomach said , " don 't even think about it . " So I had it all boxed up to go . We got to get hugs from Lis and Lon and both girls , and Mary knew most everyone there and hugs all around . The music encompassed us and swirled around our hearts , Ms Moon had a moment or two of tears through smiles , especially as old acquaintances danced with their precious new grandson . It was a lovely evening , friends , music , good food , in to go boxes , stars above our head , Ms Moon , bras and big girl panties . We may be on the other side of young , and as Ms Sioux says , we may be past our skinny , but we can still go into town and have fun . Oh yes we can . And during one of their breaks I got to get one of Lon 's perfect hugs . Mary said it will add 3 years to your life just hugging Lon . That would double my life expectancy , so I went for it . And those few seconds felt like he surely could add 3 more years of sweet precious life . So Saturday morning I go for another hug , and said to him . This is great , now you have tripled my life expectancy . I am thinking that maybe Dr . M needs to meet Lon . They both work magic . So when I left Friday evening we had all agreed , Lis , Ms Moon and Jessie to meet at the Goodwood Garden plant sale the next morning . I would pick up Ms Moon and Lis at 8 , Jessie would meet us before her shift at the hospital . I got up Saturday eager to go . The sky was gray and misting . I adjusted my wardrobe to stand in the rain and to pick up pots of plants that were wet and muddy . I opened the back door to get the dog 's food and at that moment the heavens let loose and in that single moment , of rain and the door opening I was soaked from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet . Sometimes you are there when everything comes together . Sometimes that is not what you expected . The hard rain only lasted for a few seconds , and I was ready to go again and heading to the door , dry and hopefully prepared for the challenges of the day when the phone rang . It was Ms Moon , Lis had not been able to sleep and was not going to be able to go . Ms Moon was torn . Plant sale or Lis . Of course there was nothing to really be torn about . She was just being a good friend . I told her it was just a plant sale . She does not get to spend that much time with Lis . Of course she would stay and visit . There will be another plant sale next month at McClay , and of course , next year at Goodwood . And honestly , neither of us need any more plants . So I jumped in the Malibu and took off . I got to Goodwood at 8 : 30 , right on schedule . But there was only one car in the parking lot . Hmmmm , something was not right . I walked up to the gate . OK , the volunteers were there , the 4hers were there , but where were all the gardeners ? The weather was nasty , but not as bad as it had been a couple of years ago . As I walked to the gate , there stood Jessie in her gray hoodie and pants . I yelled , " There is that gorgeous woman . " And a face that was only slightly familiar , not the face I expected looked at me . She did have sort of a Jessie kind of look about her , but this was definitely not Jess . I apologized , embarrassed , and the 2 of us stood there . Finally the bugs got to be too much for her , she was not dressed properly , and she ran away . Shortly a guy walked up and took her place . He introduced himself as the woman 's boy friend and we struck up a conversation . It was amazing how much the 3 of us actually had in common , from THE University of Florida to Pine Island and gardening and where we live now , and jobs we have had . The woman was not a gardener . But the man was and we happily yammered on and on about plant sales and gardening . At 5 minutes until the gate opened I felt my heart rate increase and my pulse start to pound . Much like the vegetarian hunters during caveman time finding a particularly thick and hearty root or a rich harveThen on to Monticello Milling for animal feed and hay for the chicken coop . I quick walk through the crowds of musicians and fans to the Rosemary Tree , a gift shop , high end deli for their grand opening . Finally I was heading back home . The Malibu filled to overflowing with plants , hay , animal feed and hardware . I drove past the Winn Dixie Plaza . Maybe it is called Jefferson something . I am not actually sure what the actual name of the plaza is , although I think there is a sign that tells you . I just say I am going to the Winn Dixie . And yes , we have 2 new shops in downtown and the owners of the " something or other " Plaza are spiffing it up nicely . They have painted each store front with a different color to give the impression of a group of stores instead of a strip mall . It looks quite nice . Monticello is putting on it spring finery this year . Back home I cleaned the chicken coop , set up the hay bales and planted the veggies in them . Eggplants , peppers and cukes . I am thinking of planting tomatoes and strawberries in a raised planter next to the hay bale garden . Next I finished emptying the car , cleaned out the chicken coop , called my Father , weeded , worked on my sprinkler system in the back yard , planted a few more plants , cleaned a little here , worked on another spot in the yard , and then tackled the babies chicken coop . I attached the new plastic chicken wire to the existing metal wire to make sure that the babies could not stick their heads in the metal wire and get it stuck , and to contain them in part of the coop . I got their food and water set up , I got fresh new hay in the laying boxes as well as on the floor of the coop . I filled the bunny house with hay in case some of the little ones want to sleep in there . Set up a light to keep them warm at night and then planned the big move . I got a cat carrier and slipped into the bathroom . It was not as easy as I had hoped to gently stuff 17 baby chickens into the cat carrier . There was plenty of room for the short trip and time they would be in it . But getting them into it was harder then I had hoped . I finally got everyone in and walked out to their new home . I sat down in the hay next to the carrier and opened the door . Nothing . I waited 5 minutes , 10 minutes , not even a head peaked out . So I started reaching in and picking them up one by one and putting them in the hay next to me . I got them all out and as curious as they always are , this was new and big and pretty scary . It took quite a while , but they finally adjusted and started scratching in the dirt . Their first time ever on dirt . They pulled at the hay straws , they pecked at things on the ground . They squabbled and chirped and scratched and acted like baby chickens . Then the soon to be roosters starting jumping and challenging each other . There must be at least 5 of them . Maybe more . Maybe a lot more . Even the 2 smallest , Rose and Dewdrop staI did finally get up , take a shower and go to bed . Tired and exhausted from a day lived well . A day filled with beauty and friends , flowers and sunshine , even a shower here and there , a day filled with possibilities . And I managed to accomplish many of those possibilities . My hay bale garden looks just fine . The baby chickens made it through their first night in their new home safe and sound . I fell asleep with Harry sleeping on my legs , Bob Curled up with his head next to mine on my pillow . Henry and Luna fast asleep in their private spots at the foot of the bed and Stella pressed closely up against the back of my knees . And today , I have fed my children , fed myself . I have made a pair of earrings I needed for the show , worked a bit on Thugee 's robe , which I need to finish tonight . I have checked on the babies a couple of times , and did some laundry . now to finish this and head to the Opera House for rehearsal . it is another glorious day . Sunshine , crystal clear skies that are blue all the way to forever . The Martin 's , my bluebirds sit on their porches looking out at this world of ours and my plants reach and stretch towards that endless sunshine , quenched from the short but sweet showers of yesterday . And as I have said so many times , life is good . . . . life is wonderful . . . . . life is a gift to be taken and opened and lived fully and deeply . I have another busy week this coming week with blood work on Monday , lunch with Carolyn on Tuesday then rehearsal that night . Wednesday Andy is bringing my bell and a garden sculpture on his way to Sebring . Thursday will be more rehearsals and then another weekend . This one filled with Easter and chocolate and peeps and Spamalot with Jessie and Rich . And of course there will be work . A feeling of accomplishment . A feeling of normalcy as I get up and do the same routine I have done for over 25 years . Life is good . This week has been way more social then I am used to . Yesterday I had lunch with my dearest friend Geeta . We were supposed to go to Lake Ella for a picnic , but when we went to head to the lake from her office my new Toy would not start . It did not make a noise , light a light , do anything . Dead , rest in peace . Did I panic ? Did I get upset ? Of course . No , actually Geeta started to get worried for me , but I honestly , unbelievably stayed totally calm . I picked up my cell phone and called Mr . Moon , the Car Guy . I told him what had happened , he said no worries he would be right over . And sure enough within 20 minutes he was staring down at my battery hooking a portable battery charger to it . And not only did he get my car started , but he called the Interstate battery people told them I was on my way , and what battery I was going to need . I drove up in front of the store and I had hardly stopped when a guy comes out , tests the battery , tells me what is wrong with mine and in the same movement he pulled out the old batter and placed the new one in . I paid the bill , very reasonable price because Mr . Moon called them first , and off I drove . I went to Costco and picked up cherry tomatoes for Owen . That boy eats so well . His mama and daddy , not to mention his grandparents have taught him well . Then I picked up large steaks for M / M Moon to say thank you to Mr . Moon for coming to my rescue . I slipped into the house and left my treats . Owen and Mary were taking a nap when I slipped in and out . I came home and looked at all the things I needed to do . Then I sat down and just gave out . I did get to bed early and when I woke up this morning I felt a little less tired . I worked a short day today , but a day of accomplishments . Funny how when time is short that is sometimes when you get the most work done . After lunch I drove over to pick up my dear friend Rich for lunch . We haven 't spent nearly enough time together lately , and I do love him dearly . He is one of the funniest , cutest , most adorable and intelligent people I know . And I always have a wonderful time with him . Today was no different . Then we drove over to pick up his car . It was lovely getting to talk and laugh with him . He is such a great guy . After dropping him off to pick up his car I was on the west side of town , but there was a Home Depot so I could get the posts I needed for this weekend to make the coop in the coop for the chickens . Then a quick trip past Joann 's to pick up felt that Ms Denise needs for one of the costumes . Then home to rest before rehearsal tonight . Tomorrow I have a lunch engagement with my friend Carolyn . This is more eating out then I ever do . Shoot , I don 't eat out this much when I am on the road . But I just haven 't spent much time with these dear friends so it was wonderful . Saturday morning is the annual heirloom plant sale at Goodwood Museum . I love this sale each year . The weather is supposed to be rainy . So what ! One year Mary and I went in the pouring rain , each of us with colds . The rain had not reached our homes yet , so we did not realize how bad the rain was when we left . We had no rain gear , but I did have a couple of umbrellas stuck in the back of the closet . So we stood in line in the pouring rain waiting for the gate to open at 9 along with the other insane gardeners . We sloshed in as the gate opened a sea of brightly colored umbrellas and you could see all the umbrellas lean forward in unison as each gardener reached down to claim their first prize . Then about a minute later you saw all the umbrellas slam shut and get shoved under one of the tables so that we could use both hands to pick up plants . It was like a MGM Musical the timing was so perfect . No one complained about the rain . Everyone just busily followed their plan of attack moving from one grouping of plants to the next , shade , sun , partial shade , herbaceous , perennial , vines , ground covers and so on . You must have a plan before attending one these sales . And actually here in Tallahassee they are so polite at their plant sales . In Ft . Myers for the annual hibiscus sale you had old ladies bossing their poor husbands around as the men stood in the heat of the Ft . Myers sun , with no hats , waiting for the door to open to rush past all the exhibits and straight to the sales . There was always at least one husband who succumbed to the heat and went down . He would gently be passed to the back of the crowd . No one , not even his wife moved from their well elbowed in spot . The hibiscus society had learned early on to always have an ambulance there and they would take the poor suffering dear and hold him there while his wife shot through the door grumbling the whole time about him abandoning her . Then everyone would start shoving and grabbing as many pots of any plant they could get their hands on . And the fun would beginI went to a plant sale at Marie Selby Gardens in Sarasota ( there plant sale is in May each year ) many years ago where a little tiny old man , I swear he was 137 years old , knocked me down with his wheel barrow , ran over me with the wheel barrow and then yelled at me for being in his way . I have been to other plant sales where I saw people fist fighting over a particular plant . Ah , the good old days . I love the Goodwood Plant Nursery , but it is calm and quiet and polite . The plants get my heart pumping so I guess that makes up for the lack of drama and action . I have to get with Richard / Colleen this weekend to get the Memorial Service planned . I need to get Thuggee 's robe finished , and Paulette 's earrings . Breathe , you can do all of this , and have your 2 garden bales of hay delivered tomorrow . I am going to try growing tomatoes or eggplants or peppers in hay bales , but you have to buy the right kind of hay bale . Something that was not treated with an herbicide or growth hormone . So today was a stomach problem again . After all I have had what seems like almost a week with no stomach problems , so I fee very fortunate . My appetite is definitely different these days , sometimes I am starving and after a few bites , I don 't want anymore . Mostly I am just not interested in food . I am forcing myself to eat though , I don 't want Dr . M getting on me about my weight . I feel strong , happy , capable . Life is good . The weather has been glorious . And a plant sale on Saturday ! Who - hah , life is good . Friday my friend Bob came and got me . He said , " follow me , I want to show you something . " So I scampered off behind him to the hall in front of the Bureau of pesticides . There on the landing were 2 adult geese and in between them were 2 little balls of yellow and gray fluff and 6 of the biggest feet you have ever seen . They were adorable , and the parents stood as still and quiet as ice staring at us , guards protecting the most precious special gift . And it was a good day at work . Came home I was so tired . I sat down and tried to write a post for this blog , but my brain just wasn 't functioning . I did manage to get everything at the store before heading home . But once home I sat down . I did finally get up and start baking the cake . I got one tier baked and half of the other before just giving up and going to bed . Saturday morning I woke up and headed to the kitchen . I got the rest of the cake baked and got the ganache made and whipped , decorated the cake , made the tepenade , baked a small loaf of French bread to go with it and then made the olives with the herbs and olive oil . OK , all set for the wedding . I got dressed , packed the car and got ready to go . I grabbed a couple of dog cookies and went to the pasture to lock Harry and Bob in there with their cookies . Harry was ready and willing , just give him the cookie ! But no Bob anywhere to be seen . I hunted and called for 30 minutes . Time clicking away that I should have been at Casa Luna helping to get things ready for the wedding . I was so exhausted , but that did not matter . I was ready to give up on Bob and I put my purse in the car so that I could move quicker looking for him when something caught the corner of my eye . And there was Bob , asleep in the back seat of the Toy . I have no idea how or when he got in , but there he was . Relief . I got him put into the pasture , gave him his cookie and now I had to drive like I had a wedding cake in a box in the trunk . And I did . I now it made everyone nervous coming up behind me on the interstate , but I don 't care . The wedding cake made it to the wedding just fine . And the wedding was wonderful ! ! ! ! A perfectly glorious day , friends and beloved ones gathered together , lots of wonderful food and drink and conversation and love filled the air and floated around like the humidity and bugs encompassing us . And everything was perfect , absolutely and totally perfect ! The ceremony was a little after 2 and yet at 8 : 00 pm most of us were still sitting there talking and laughing . I came home . I was so tired . Have I said that already ? I was so tired I couldn 't sleep . So I thought , no problem I will sleep in tomorrow , it is Sunday , a lovely day to sleep in . It is supposed to be the day of rest . I woke up before 7 and did my best to simply stay in the bed until almost 8 . I did a few of the tasks I needed around the house . But not nearly enough . I did manage to make a broccoli quiche and a chocolate torte out of the rest of chocolate cake I didn 't use in the wedding cake . I went to Garden Circle and had a lovely time . We had a guest speaker from McClay Gardens talk about propagation . I always enjoy spending time with the ladies from the Garden Club . On my way home I thought about stopping to see how rehearsal was going , but thought better of it , and instead went home to rest . I got home and wanted to lay down and sleep , but I just couldn 't sleep and I couldn 't think clear enough to post a blog , so I just sat here . It was a glorious day and I did get to do a little of this and that outside . But again , I was so tired I could not fall asleep . Yesterday I went to work . By 1 : 00 when I leave I was exhausted and starving . So I picked up some Chinese to go . I got home around 2 : 30 and ate my lunch and at 4 : 00pm I woke up still sitting in my chair , chopsticks still in my hand , my plate still sitting on my lap . It did look extremely " clean " . I have no idea if I finished eating the food or if Bob and Harry cleaned my plate . I was full , so I guess it didn 't really matter . I might have been getting ready to take an empty plate to the kitchen , I don 't remember , so that is what I did and then I headed on to bed to take a little nap . I thought I would lay down for an hour or so and then get up to wash Harry . At 10 : 00pm I got up and turned on the alarm to wake up this morning and went right back to sleep . I woke up this morning still feeling tired , but not quite so bad . I worked a few extra hours trying to help get caught up on work . This is the time of year that all the aerial applicators head north and west out to make their living , and they are all in a panic trying to be the first to get their licenses together and get out there . It is a crazy time of year for us because of their craziness . Then on my way home I was listening to the pledge drive on WUSF and who should I hear ? But Liz Sparks . Liz is Mary 's Liz from the west , versus her Lis from the east . She was leading the pledge drive . So I emailed in my pledge , in honor of Liz , and because I love NPR . So now here I am here , finally posting , not much to say . The chicken babies continue to get big . They eat and eat and eat , and just keep transforming form peeps to chickens . Some are already looking like roosters , others are obviously hens , and some just have not shown themselves yet . |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me It has been quite a ride . Our last rehearsal , last Monday , was OK . Then we had a read through on Tuesday , and well , it was awful . We could have had a rehearsal on Wednesday night , but I am exhausted and our weakest part of the show was lines . And having one more rehearsal and wearing everyone out because some of our cast still did not know their lines . And struggling through lines and emphasizing bad habits was not going to make them any better . So with the hopes that those who did not know their lines would work hard on their own , Wednesday and Thursday before our dress rehearsal / preview show , we did not request the additional rehearsal . Thursday nights show started off with a bang ! That is what I would like to say , but actually it opens up with a song and the person singing the song , bless her heart started out fine , but forgot the words about half way through . And the show really didn 't get much better after that . Nerves , people new to the stage . A small stage , that we thought by putting it in the corner we would be able to put more people in the room , but we were wrong . Plus now the stage is in a pocket and the sound seems to get stuck up there and to the actors it sounds loud . But with the new air conditioning unit the room gets cold and comfortable for the audience , but it is loud and we have that much more problem with the actors projecting . There is a theater saying that a bad dress rehearsal ensures a great opening night . And yes , we did have a great opening night . All but 2 projected well and consistently . Two have strong accents so it is hard to understand them anyway , and then they are small people and well , their voices are at a range that just isn 't carrying . But they tried . Everyone tried . Judy , the co - director and I met with them last night and said , don 't worry about a thing . This is a play , just get out there and have fun . And they did , and the audience could tell , and it was a very nice opening night . Tonight , it will be so much better again , because they survived a so - so performance , and now they have seen what it is like to have a good performance , and I know they will just keep getting better and better . And they are a lovely group , and it has been a lot of fun . And although it was not the best decision I have ever made , co - directing a play in the middle of starting a new chemo treatment . I am so very grateful that this cast has been so understanding , that I had such a great friend and talented co - director to work with , and that Denise , was our set and prop Manager . Such talented people . And it is a fun show , and our Virginia is amazing and has been every thing I could hope for . Was it worth the toll on my body , my sanity and my life to direct this play ? As I sit here too exhausted to go out and work in the garden , too nauseous to take a long ride in the toy with the top down on a glorious day like today , yes it was worth it . To start months and months ago with Judy reading the script dreaming of all the possibilities , casting the characters , doing all the behind the scenes work , watching the words become people in a far away land with accents and singing and dancing and mystery , mayhem and murder . Yes , it is worth all of this . It was worth driving up to the Opera House and setting tables this afternoon . It was worth how I feel right now . Because tomorrow all I have to do is take Jessie 's graduation present to her birthday party . And tomorrow is May Day , and I will find the time to dig in the dirt tomorrow and plant more of my plants , patiently waiting for their new home . And it will be Beltane and I will celebrate the ancient festival of fertility and spring . May day is my favorite day of the entire year . it is a " between " day . It is a day in nature when it turns from winter to spring in thI am feeling better these days , mentally . I have pushed myself too far , and it will take time to snap back to my comfort zone as a Pollyanna . And I need to sit still more and rest more and Recover from pushing myself too far . But how do we know our limits if we do not try and push it a little . OK , my little may be overboard to others . And that is OK . Tonight another performance and we will have made it through the first weekend . Tomorrow is May Day ! ! ! And maybe by that point I will be able to think clearer and write another post that makes a little more sense then this one feels right now . It is a glorious day here , and what a wonderful and life overflowing with gifts I have . Posted by Today is Easter and in this household this means a peep hunt . 12 years ago when Maggie was 3 years old , the same age as Bob is now , and Harry and Lily were one year old I had an Easter egg hunt . I made my dye from ingredients found in the kitchen , red cabbage , yellow onion skins and beet juice . I was starting out with brown and green eggs from my own chickens . The colors were subtle and lovely and the safest way to have an Easter egg hunt for 3 Labradors that will be carry the eggs in their mouth . Theoretically . The two of us had baskets and we walked around the yard with the dogs and as they picked up the eggs they were rewarded with a peep when they gave up the egg . After a while our baskets were only half as full as they should have been , and where was Lily ? Maggie had walked around the yard with me and Harry with his father , and in our excitement we had not noticed that Lily had slipped off to get an egg and then never came back . The egg hunt now turned into a Lily hunt . We found her under a bush chomping and crunching on an egg . We lured her out from under the bush with a peep which she quickly accepted and then she smiled up at us . Her teeth and lips were colored like an Easter egg . And I never found one dozen of the eggs I had hidden . That is not exactly true , I have a strong feeling that the horrific gas reminiscent of sulfur hydroxide , bad eggs , were those dozen eggs . For 2 weeks . Yep , for 2 weeks whenever we were near Lily , especially inside tears just flowed from our eyes and a green gas cloud encompassed my beautiful yellow lab . And it took weeks for the bluish / reddish color to wear off around her mouth . Even with what seemed like gallons of Febreeze the house had a bad egg smell for the longest time . To this day I am not particularly fond of Febreeze . The next year we started the annual tradition of the " peep hunt " replacing the hard boiled eggs . That worked out well for Harry because he is so big and his mouth so large that he could just stand in an area and inhale and the peeps would fly into his mouth . I might be exaggerating slightly , but he could walk along waving his head back and forth and just inhale the marshmallowie goodness . Maggie would pick up the nearest one to her and then walk around the yard drooling with the single peep in her mouth . She would keep that peep in her mouth until it literally dissolved into a gooie mess that would stick to her teeth and then she would try to wipe it off , on the couch , or a chair , so I would have to walk around behind her cleaning up the furniture as I tried to lure her into the bathroom so I could wash away the peep . Yes , disgusting and work for me . But she seemed to get such pleasure out of her antics . She was always so good , this was one of her very few bad behaviors so I would forget this habit of hers and each year I would go through this again and again . After awhile it just seemed to be the tradition . An irritating one , but a tradition none the less . And don 't we all have some family tradition that just ain 't right . Or is it just me ? Now when we instituted the peep hunt Lily was just as happy about this as she was with the hard boiled eggs . She would run up to each peep , carefully pick it up and then bring it back to me and spit it out on my shoes . Then look at me with the " Peep , Peep , I found a peep , a peep , I found a peep . Aren 't I a good girl , peep , peep , I found a peep . " I would hug her and tell her what a good girl she was , after sufficient compliments she would eat the peep and then repeat the entire process . Over and over and over . I think she found close to a dozen peeps and was just as excited about the last one as she had been with the first . Lily was a very special child . By the time we had the first peep hunt , both Lily and Harry were two years old . They grew into adult dogs on their second birthday . Like all good labs should do . Bob is three , he is still a baby . He has decided he is not interested in growing up . But he is a good boy , and not a giant , so it is not as difficult having a 3 year old puppy , where we had 3 dogs with Maggie , Harry and Lily and Harry is freakishly giant for a lab and Lily was a good sized girl herself . So thankfully at 2 years old they decided to grow up , sit down and give up most of their bad baby habits . Friday for earth day my friend Bob and I went to the Lincoln High School plant sale . We went to where they had the sale last year . No sale . But there were the most beautiful gardens with a pond and lots of water plants and areas just filled with butterfly plants , and it was gorgeous , simply gorgeous . So we walked back to my toy to try and look in a different part of the school for the plant sale . Bob climbs in over the top like in Hawaii 50 . Well , not to miss out on the fun , I also climbed over and in to my car . It is a little high to do that , but it is kind of fun . We continued to use this as our mood of getting into the car for the rest of the trip . So we drove around to the front of the school found the sale and bought a few things . I wanted a red porter weed , they didn 't have any , but I did pick up a couple of pentas and salvias which will add some much needed texture to my garden that is mostly bulbs with long pointy leaves . I need some different shaped and textured leaves to give a little interest to my garden and these plants should help . They are annuals here unlike in south Florida were they are perennial , but that is OK . You can get them reasonably enough each year . And the salivias have come back with mixed results . Some come back with vigor in my other garden , and some of my favorite colored ones did not make it more then one year . But that is one of the many things to like about plants . They have their season , and they will give you theirI hung one of my bells yesterday , the buoy bell . I have this chain that weighs as much as the bell . Maybe more . I pulled out the big ladder , drug it over to an oak tree that has a limb that would work . I lifted the chain as far up as I could and hung it on the ladder so that when I climbed the 10 feet above it I could pull the chain up to the next level . Then I climbed to almost the top of the ladder and pulled the chain up further . Up to the next to the last step and I could hang on to the tree and lift part of the chain over the branch and adjusted the chain . Then down the ladder and I was able to just lift the bell up to hang . Fortunately Judy and Denise were just pulling up and Denise assisted me to maneuver the bell into place to hang . It is hanging a bit low . But it is hanging . I think if it was up a little higher I think it would catch more wind . So I will pull out the ladder again and try to adjust it . But not today . Today , I was supposed to go to Lily / Jason / Owen 's for an Easter brunch and egg hunt . But I am not having a good day . I have been very moody and weepy . I spent most of yesterday unproductively sitting and crying . I thought that putting my big girl panties on and getting to watch Owen at his first real egg hunt would help , but I am too paralyzed to get dressed and leave the house . I will have to put on some old clothes and head over to the Opera House to paint the set . This evening I will drive into Tally to see Spamalot . Hopefully I will be in a better mood because I am in a dark , sad , depressed mood . Yes , even Pollyanna has a bad day . I finished Thuggee 's robe . I have finished the newspaper for the show , and made copies for all handouts I had . I have no reason to be in this mood . But it has been growing over the past couple of days and last night it was particularly bad , and not much better today . I don 't want to be in this mood , so I will do whatever I can to make it better . Maybe ice cream . I know that it is OK to be a little sad or depressed . And maybe part of this is what I am holding on to , holding in . I have to write Larry 's obit . I have to plan his memorial service . I need to get up and put on big girl panties and deal with this . Make an ending . Have a conclusion to this relationship of 25 years . To put him to rest . And I have a new friend in my life that is somehow without his knowledge or input somehow causing me to drag up a lot of old emotion about this past life . Something about him makes my heart feel things that I have not felt in a long time . Not normal things you feel about someone you do not know well . No , these feelings are feelings that have not be closed from a marriage that is long gone , and literally dead . My brain knows that these emotions are not from this other person , but for whatever reason he is a catalyst that is causing all of this turmoil . So as much as I would like to be friends and even get to know this other person a little better , maybe this is not a healthy thing for me now . I wPosted by If it is OK , I would like to get the whining out of the away straight forth . I am turning back into a hard core doer . That is not good . That is not right . That is my nature . I am so worried about not having enough time to make it to my June 9th retirement date , that I have been working 5 - 7 hours a day . You see I think I am normal again . I know I am not really , but honestly , I am so tired of having cancer . That is another part of my nature . I have no patience with being sick , or sad , or any negative feelings , so I work it off . I feel like Seabiscuit , the horse that won all those races , even on bad feet or through pain , that horse would just work it off , run it off , walk it off . So as illogical as it is , to quit " being sick " I have thrown myself back into things . Back to doing . A human doer . Honestly I loved the times that my body made me sit still and experience , for more then a day what it meant to be a human being instead of a human doing . But it is not my true nature But I am noticing that when I leave work after 5 - 7 hours I walk out to the car and I feel the exhaustion wrap itself around me like the heat and humidity that has settled in here this early spring . I go home and I am so tired that I sit . I don 't do those little things we all must do , like clean the house , mow the lawn , weed the garden , plant the plants , sew the costume , cook food . And yes , I have lost that weight I had worked so hard to gain back . I am not at my thinnest by any means . I am actually just a couple of pounds off of my " natural weight " which many would think is too thin to begin with , but it is the weight that I have been for most of my full size life . But wearing myself out shows on my face and then even a couple of pounds and I look a little haggard . I feel that way , so why should I be surprised that it shows on my face . And I am getting one of my eye things . This one seems more like a sty then the previous ones have . Whenever I have gone to the doctor for these before , he always said they were like sties . And I am getting the " rash " which is really just a nice way to say acne , one spot a week . Not so bad . Except that they seem to get infected or are infections when they come up . So , not the best looking week . And all of these things are made worse by over doing and not resting , or sleeping enough . Yet there is more then enough work to go around in that office . I feel guilty walking out with my staff so over loaded with no help in sight . So I stay and work a little longer . And then a little longer the next day . Then the next day I take work home to do at night as I sit in my chair . It is less stressful working here at home , and I can work at a little slower pace and achieve twice as much as if I had to do both the work at work and the work I do at home . I can still count some time for this work at home . But the problem arises that I fail to recognize this is still work . And it is still taking away from time to do things for myself instead of for the state . And it is taking my time I could be restMy fear of starving to death has also over ridden any well laid plans to retire and enjoy life . Oh no , I must have a job . I must get up and put on a bra and a smile and a happy attitude and go to a job where they give me a check every two weeks . I will work twice as hard as necessary to earn that check . But then I am a woman who has spent all of my life in the world of men . I have had to do twice as much twice as well to earn the respect of the men around me . And I have done that . But what do I need to prove now ? I have done my best to open doors for all people . I was the first woman to supervise Feed , Seed , Fertilizer and Pesticide inspectors for the state . I have done a few firsts . They do not feel like big firsts now . But at the time they were hard earned , and now that they seem everyday because of the woman before me , and of my generation who said , this is ridiculous . It does not matter the color of your skin , the name of the god of your religion , the sex of the person you fall in love with , whether or not you have an XX or an XY chromosome . It is your knowledge , skills and abilities that should be judged . And we have come a long way . But it is time for me to move out of the way and let this generation decide what they want to accomplish and how . I have earned the right to wear ugly dresses and big hats and grow tomatoes . I have earned the right to sit in my gardens for hours with a trowel poised above a hole staring off at a butterfly dancing amongst the flowers , sipping and flitting wings covered in jewel toned scales reflecting the light back in ever changing patterns . And now as an adult when I can now name the Latin name of the insect , I get up and drive to an office . And after I am retired I will work 3 days a week inside a shop . And I am excited about the change of jobs . And I am looking forward to slipping into the community I have lived in for 4 1 / 2 years and getting to better know these lovely people in this town . But what about the best laid plans for Wednesday sewing group . The monthly vegetarian luncheon . The Tai Chi classes . They are already shoved to the bottom of the list . My rant is done , spent , worked out . I see more clearly the corner I am painting myself into . I can not say I will change , for I can not put that pressure on myself . But I am more aware of my nature and the things I do then I was a year ago . I feel a little rested just saying out loud how foolish I am being . And instead of making plans to do less . Which the sentence alone makes no sense . I will try and think about being a little moderate . I have cancer , I should rest my body and be kind to it . Last night I heard one of my cats talking to someone . I opened the back door and there just fresh coming out of its little house under my back deck was the fattest armadillo I have ever seen . The light startled the poor creature and it turned with difficulty being such a girthy thing and waddled and scrambled back to the steps up the bottom one , and then in between it and the next to push back down into it 's lovely hole . The first thought that came to my mind was of Arnold . The pig on Green Acres . Arnold was not fat or girthy for a pig , pigs have a particular shape , and this Armadillo was shaped quiet like that , and with it 's little Armadillo feet and ears it looked so much like a pig . So of course it is obvious that I shall call this child Arnold . I have known I had an Armadillo for quiet a while , but I was not sure if the hole was its home or maybe another creature , like a opossum , that I would not want living in as close of proximity to my chickens as this . Arnold does reek havoc on my yard , digging for grubs in the lawn and in the gardens , but that is a far different story then eating my chickens . So Arnold is welcome to live here with the rest of us . Brave little portly creature to live near Bob and the cats . But they all seem to be cohabiting quite nicely , so that is working out well . I just spoke to Ms Judy and she said , well do you think it is pregnant ? I never considered the reason for the girthieness of my Arnold , or is it Annette ? That would make perfect sense . This animal has just re - dug the entrance to its home under my porch . This is a very fertile piece of property . Just look at the rabbits who have been putting on X rated shows in the pasture lately . Right out in front of god and neighbors and everyone . Mostly ZB , my brown with black stripped rabbit . Stripped like a zebra . This will take a little thought now that I have a new possibility in my mind concerning my new welcomed child . Arnold or Annette ? This morning when Bob was nuzzling up trying to wake me so I could feed him or throw the ball , not necessarily in that order , I opened the back door and lay in bed listening to all the birds . I heard a program on Science Friday yesterday talking about sound scape 's and what a wonderful tool recordings of natural areas are making in the science world . These recordings can help speak to the fact of preserving different ecosystems and how you can hear the health of an ecosystem change sometimes before you can see it . So I lay and listened to the birds trying to identify the individuals and then to hear the orchestration of the whole . How the songs and timing of the songs are adapted to intertwine with each other , so that none are lost , but fit into their place so that their song meant to express fear or happiness or sexual willingness or joy are not lost in the whole . A specie 's ability to survive is partially dependent on their ability to fit their voice into the whole . If you sing at the wrong time and not heard , then you would fade out of existence in this system . My newly awakened sense of hearing tingled as I understood a little better of this world I share here on Farmboy road . I love the name of my road . I love my little road , path like in its meandering to my house riddled with pot holes that can hide a mini cooper . I know that for sure because my neighbor has to deal with that each time she leaves the property . The air rich with moisture and more of a summer like coolness then the spring crispness . The songs and screeches and rapid tapping of of the birds hung in the thick moisture and slowed down the songs . But each adapted to fit their song into the orchestration . The sun above the clouds of humidity lighten the sky but does not show its face . Bob shoves his face into mine tennis ball firmly in place already damp with his saliva . Henry ignores me at the end of the bed , pretending a patience to my laziness as I pull the covers up closer to my face trying to put off getting up and starting my day . It is 7 : 0And today I shall finish Thuggee 's robe , and then go to the Opera House to paint the sets , and run errands , and maybe spend some time planting or weeding . Maybe I shall clean a little in the house . I know I will throw the ball a hundred times , but it will not be enough . And tomorrow is Easter . A special breakfast for everyone , then a peep hunt in the yard with the 2 boys . A breakfast buffet at Lily / Jason / Owen 's house . Then on to Spamalot with Richard and Jessie . Then quick as a breath it will be Monday and our last rehearsal on the stage before the preview show on Thursday . Friday night will be here before we are ready and it will be opening night . And all the work and worries will be replaced with smiles and laughter and the show will go on . But for this moment , with the doors flung open and the sewing machine calling my name , I will sew . And enjoy the sensation of taking beautiful red cloth and with a whir of my Viking sewing machine I will have a robe for Thuggee . Finished finally . And he will wear it in the show and when he spins around the robe will float on the air and the swish of the sword and sounds of the feet on the little stage and the gasp of the audience will end with applause and laughter . A lovely day , filled with so much potential . Quiet potential and sweet bird song . When you are working on a play , you can get so involved in the fake believe that it spreads out through your whole world . Spending 6 - 12 weeks playing other people or directing other people in foreign places with accents and you can loose a little touch of reality . Sort of like cancer . But being in plays is like good fantasy , where cancer , for most people is not really a good fantasy at all . And so for the last year I have been living in all kinds of fantasy worlds . But this is really not new for me . I have always had a very vivid imagination and being a lover of stories , I have never had any problem when sitting quietly by myself , living in worlds of stories and fantasies . I love to read , but not murder mysteries , and I am not that crazy about romance novels . Those are both realities that often go beyond my comfort zone . I love adventure novels , especially historical adventure stories . Worlds that are not too evil or too overboard , but rather where good over comes evil and people pull together to make the world a better place and they accomplish this through amazing adventures . I love the Princess Bride . Both the book and the movie . That is one of the very best adventure stories in that it has something for everyone : sword fights , giants , geniuses , beautiful princes and handsome pirates , bad guys and good guys , castles and wizards , oh yes , and rodents of unusual size . It is one of the great fantasy adventure stories . This morning my drift from reality started at 6 : 00 am when I got up , anxious to finish cleaning the house , make breakfast and bake brownie , take a shower and try to look my best , whatever that might be , all before 8 : 00 am . Why ? Because I had a friend coming for breakfast this morning at 8 . He was passing through from Gulf Breeze to Sebring for meetings concerning his summer work as an aerial applicator . OK , as someone who does not know how to fly either a fixed wing or helicopter , this just sounds like a wonderful fantasy to me . You spend six months flying across the United States making pesticide applications , putting out fires , helping to rescue people , and air lifting Christmas trees off Mount St . Helene . You work very hard and are away from home and family for half of the year , but then the other half of the year you can do whatever you fancy . He is a very talented steel sculpture artist . That is his fancy , and he makes beautiful fantasy with steel . We met on the phone when he was getting his licenses across the country in all the states that he will need to fly . I helped him with Florida 's , and maybe a few others , I am not sure really how much I was involved in this . He is the one taking the tests , filling out the forms , sending off the applications , each one different , each one asking for different things , each demanding money . So that is how I met this person , whom I know many things about , he does not like kimchee , but he does like strong dark black coffee , but do not know the him . Yesterday when I was talking to him as he was getting ready to head in this direction , he said , I may not be driving back home from the meetings , I might have to fly my helicopter out to Wyoming . OK , doesn 't that just sound so amazing , " Oh , I might have to fly my helicopter out to Wyoming " Just a matter of fact statement . Then he says , I have two bells for you that I have made plus a garden sculpture . I love presents , as you all may know , and to have him stop for breakfast was a wonderful present for me . To bring me bells and a sculpture for my garden additional presents . Oh , be still my heart . But wait , then he says the most fantastical and amazing thing anyone may ever have said to me before . " Can I land a helicopter in your back yard ? " I mean come on . Is that an amazing thing to say to someone ? I started to giggle . I had never thought to ask the realtor when I bought this property if it was large enough to land a helicopter on . So I immediately dubbed him my imaginary boyfriend . I don 't care how juvenile that sounds , because I know many people who have imaginary relationships . Some of them don 't even have an idea that they are in an imaginary relationship . I was in one with Larry . I mean I imagined him to be one person and yet time and time again he showed me he was not that person , but I continued to hold my head in the sand thinking the best of him . And that is OK too . Honestly , this person is better then the best imaginary boyfriend that I could ever , ever , and I mean ever imagine . At about quarter to 8 , my phone rings . I am convinced that he is not going to show up . That he is just a figment of my imagination . But no , he was giving me a courtesy call to let me know when he would be there . That is one of my most favorite things in the whole world for people to do for me . Call about 15 minutes before they get here so that I can be dressed and meet them when they drive up , versus scrambling to throw some clothes on . I always want to do twice as much as it is possible , so that is why I tend to get caught with So when he drove into the yard , I was sort of prepared . I think I felt a little like the author of " Venus on the half - shell " , no not Vonnegut , but the fantasy author who wrote Venus on the Half Shell , Kilgore Trout . And in Breakfast of Champions , one of Vonnegut 's books , Kilgore comes face to face with Vonnegut in a Holiday Inn lounge . It is a wonderful read . And as I walked , okay I literally scampered out to meet this fantasy imaginary boyfriend I hoped that it would be more comfortable for both of us then it was with Mr . Trout and Mr . Vonnegut . And it was . This imaginary person , who was standing right in front of me is a friend I was just meeting . A person I would like to get to know better . A sweet and thoughtful person who gives more of his art away then he sells , and he looked real . Felt real as I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him and said welcome . He calls his gifts , random acts of kindness . And that is such an understatement for the joy he brings to people with this beautiful art . Both of the bells are extremely heavy , have glorious clear sweet tones and drift wood pieces at the end to catch the wind and cause the clapper to ring the bell . To sing out clear and sweet . One of the bells has a cut out that sort of kind of in a fantasy world looks like a bird head , and it rings different tones depending on which side of the bell you strike . And the garden sculpture . I love it . It is called " 3 Squared " and that name fits it perfectly because it is pieces of steel welded together to form open squares that are welded together and form 3 uprights of these open squares giving a feeling of strength and gentle movement all at the same time . We put it in my garden next to the back deck . I walk past this garden every time I come and go from the house . And by this summer it will be surrounded by greenery and will standout hard and flowing amongst the softness of the plants . The bells are heavy . They are made from steel pipes or tanks . They are rustic and glorious and he told me he would hang them for me when he came back through , whether by car heading home or by helicopter as he heads out west . Hello , perfect imaginary boyfriend . And I know that I am not ready for a real relationship . I am too self centered . I know we are all self centered , but with the cancer and meds I don 't seem to pick up or respond as considerately as I think I should . I am a little slow at picking things up these days , and feel so very self centered . Not a comfortable place for me . And he came by for an hour . And then he was headed away . A new friend . A friend baring presents . A friend I would like to get to know . He told me a few stories of his life as a pilot . About jumping into frozen water to try and save another pilot . About almost freezing to death a second time when his back prop failed and he went down into the gulf 42 miles off shore and was in the water so long and suffered hypothermia . He seems like a very kind man . And since he does not live here , he is very much imaginary for me . And yet we had one hour of time together , it was real , it was sweet and then he was gone , this Birdman of Gulfbreeze . Pilot , artist , former marine , quiet sweet soul . Will we ever see each other again ? Will he land his helicopter in my back yard ? Will he simply fly out of my life after leaving such beautiful and wondrous gifts ? Will I think of his bright intelligent blue eyes every time one of the bells ring ? I only know the answer to that last one . And yes , I will think of him , and the precious gift he has to not only take steel and make it into art , but then to gift that to people , some almost total strangers like myself , gifted with a random act of kindness . I have met so many incredible people on this journey I am on . And I have seen the very best and sweetest sides to friends I already held close to my heart . Here once again was an act so lovely that I sit and weep a little as I think of the one hour this morning when a gentle spirit drove into my gate and then flew away . And Stephanie asked me about the hay bales . I tried to comment back , but I can no longer remember how to comment on my own blog . If you buy hay bales that have not been treated with herbicides you can plant in them immediately and use them for as long as they hold up . I think the two I planted will probably last at least a year , if not two . You do not have to wait for them to season , and you do not have to wait a season to use them . These were new hay bales . But if you have the right kind of hay bale , I don 't think it would make any difference how old they are . Then Ms Moon helped me to get to Syd 's blog where last week he had a list of behaviors of children of alcoholics . Neither of my parents were alcoholics . My father has never drank , my mother was a very light social drinker , but I fit all but one of the behaviors listed . I have no idea why . But it was almost like Syd was sitting across from my place watching me night and day with binoculars and making a list of my behaviors . I know that it is not true . And Ms Moon also fits very well into the list . Her Daddy was an alcoholic , but I am not sure what is my excuse . Finally Kathleen Scott asked me to post pictures of the baby chicks . I have not taken pictures of them as of yet . I have a beautiful camera . Actually the same one that Mr . Moon bought that Ms Moon takes all the gorgeous pictures on her blog . But I just don 't seem to take many pictures these days . I am not sure why . Is it because my perception of reality has changed so much in the last year ? I know when I look at myself in the mirror I still see an alien where I used to be . And I admit to being a ludite and consider myself pushing it just to post on this blog . I am quite adept at using the programs at work , and can find my way around a computer adequately . Computers will never be my best friend , but they are a very useful tool . So I will have to learn how to insert photos . And there , my first picture uploaded on to my blog . Blue Belle is the one standing in the back , right next to the red bunny house door . I have to say that she has not acted insane in anyway since I told the world about her bizzarre behavior . Now if I could simply wish all the roosters into hens by telling everyone about them , that would be real magic . I have not named all the chickens because I am not sure who is a rooster or a hen . But in this picture , Blue Belle is standing with her backside to us . it is not a great picture , color wise because she has a lot more blue in her then shows . The two white ones in the back of the picture are Gardenia and Lily . The little head just stepping into the picture is Rose , the two in the front are not named yet , based on their behavior and the one in the back behind Belle is Pansy , and you can barely see Camelia , a barred rock and then the butt in between Camelia and Rose is Iris , another Blue Andalusian like Belle . And so now back to finish Thugee 's robe . It is not that long of a job , I just keep getting interrupted with other things and so have not got it finished . But it will be done before rehearsal on Monday . And I feel a little melachonly , maybe how Kilgore Trout felt after meeting his creator . In my case , just an imaginary person who has been a voice on the phone up until 8 am this morning . And now he is an email , or maybe a call , and maybe another visit when I can find out more about the him , and he can find out more about the me , instead of just things about each other . A friendship , not unlike pen pals of old . But this imaginary friend came baring gifts , and put a smile on my face and then a tear to my heart as he flew away . But wouldn 't it be the best fantasy ever , if he dropped out of the sky in a flying machine right into my back yard ? It could happen . And that is what is the most amazing thing about this kind and unknown stranger , anything could happen . Friday I was supposed to have lunch with Carolyn and have my 2 hay bales for my veggie gardens delivered . But I ran late from work and Carolyn rescheduled and fortunately the hay bale guy was running late . I got some things done in the yard and then I came in and sat down . Carolyn had asked me if I wanted to go up to Southern Music Rising , the music festival this weekend in Monticello . I said , thanks , but that I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home with the boys ( Harry and Bob , my labs ) . I had had a couple of days of stomach issues , so going out , didn 't seem like the best idea . Do you want to drive into town and hear Lis and Lon at the Mockingbird Cafe and have dinner ? Mr . Moon is out of town , and Ms Moon has decided to put on a bra and makeup and head into town . Well , then I need to put on my big girl panties and get up and force myself to put on a bra , dress up , put on make up , get in the toy , put the top down and drive with on of my dearest most beloveds to have a wonderful dinner , see friends , listen to beautiful music . I said , " Yes " And I did , I picked up Ms Moon and we drove west to the big city as the evening was starting to settle around us . It was a lovely evening to be out for a drive with the top down . Lis and Lon had set up a table for us right in front of the stage . We chose the bar . Mary 's beautiful daughter May is the Manager at the Mockingbird . May is one of those special people , she is beautiful , has a glorious smile , the sweetest laugh and is one of the funniest , wittiest people with a wicked talent for writing and dancing . May ran back and forth between the restaurant portion and us . Then Mean Aunt Jessie came in and sat with us . Another beautiful , sweet , kind , smart , lovely , intelligent child of the Moon 's . Mary and I ordered dinner . The same thing we always order , a house salad and the Mediterranean appetizer . I picked at my salad . My stomach , said , " no thank you " Then my appetizer came , and my stomach said , " don 't even think about it . " So I had it all boxed up to go . We got to get hugs from Lis and Lon and both girls , and Mary knew most everyone there and hugs all around . The music encompassed us and swirled around our hearts , Ms Moon had a moment or two of tears through smiles , especially as old acquaintances danced with their precious new grandson . It was a lovely evening , friends , music , good food , in to go boxes , stars above our head , Ms Moon , bras and big girl panties . We may be on the other side of young , and as Ms Sioux says , we may be past our skinny , but we can still go into town and have fun . Oh yes we can . And during one of their breaks I got to get one of Lon 's perfect hugs . Mary said it will add 3 years to your life just hugging Lon . That would double my life expectancy , so I went for it . And those few seconds felt like he surely could add 3 more years of sweet precious life . So Saturday morning I go for another hug , and said to him . This is great , now you have tripled my life expectancy . I am thinking that maybe Dr . M needs to meet Lon . They both work magic . So when I left Friday evening we had all agreed , Lis , Ms Moon and Jessie to meet at the Goodwood Garden plant sale the next morning . I would pick up Ms Moon and Lis at 8 , Jessie would meet us before her shift at the hospital . I got up Saturday eager to go . The sky was gray and misting . I adjusted my wardrobe to stand in the rain and to pick up pots of plants that were wet and muddy . I opened the back door to get the dog 's food and at that moment the heavens let loose and in that single moment , of rain and the door opening I was soaked from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet . Sometimes you are there when everything comes together . Sometimes that is not what you expected . The hard rain only lasted for a few seconds , and I was ready to go again and heading to the door , dry and hopefully prepared for the challenges of the day when the phone rang . It was Ms Moon , Lis had not been able to sleep and was not going to be able to go . Ms Moon was torn . Plant sale or Lis . Of course there was nothing to really be torn about . She was just being a good friend . I told her it was just a plant sale . She does not get to spend that much time with Lis . Of course she would stay and visit . There will be another plant sale next month at McClay , and of course , next year at Goodwood . And honestly , neither of us need any more plants . So I jumped in the Malibu and took off . I got to Goodwood at 8 : 30 , right on schedule . But there was only one car in the parking lot . Hmmmm , something was not right . I walked up to the gate . OK , the volunteers were there , the 4hers were there , but where were all the gardeners ? The weather was nasty , but not as bad as it had been a couple of years ago . As I walked to the gate , there stood Jessie in her gray hoodie and pants . I yelled , " There is that gorgeous woman . " And a face that was only slightly familiar , not the face I expected looked at me . She did have sort of a Jessie kind of look about her , but this was definitely not Jess . I apologized , embarrassed , and the 2 of us stood there . Finally the bugs got to be too much for her , she was not dressed properly , and she ran away . Shortly a guy walked up and took her place . He introduced himself as the woman 's boy friend and we struck up a conversation . It was amazing how much the 3 of us actually had in common , from THE University of Florida to Pine Island and gardening and where we live now , and jobs we have had . The woman was not a gardener . But the man was and we happily yammered on and on about plant sales and gardening . At 5 minutes until the gate opened I felt my heart rate increase and my pulse start to pound . Much like the vegetarian hunters during caveman time finding a particularly thick and hearty root or a rich harveThen on to Monticello Milling for animal feed and hay for the chicken coop . I quick walk through the crowds of musicians and fans to the Rosemary Tree , a gift shop , high end deli for their grand opening . Finally I was heading back home . The Malibu filled to overflowing with plants , hay , animal feed and hardware . I drove past the Winn Dixie Plaza . Maybe it is called Jefferson something . I am not actually sure what the actual name of the plaza is , although I think there is a sign that tells you . I just say I am going to the Winn Dixie . And yes , we have 2 new shops in downtown and the owners of the " something or other " Plaza are spiffing it up nicely . They have painted each store front with a different color to give the impression of a group of stores instead of a strip mall . It looks quite nice . Monticello is putting on it spring finery this year . Back home I cleaned the chicken coop , set up the hay bales and planted the veggies in them . Eggplants , peppers and cukes . I am thinking of planting tomatoes and strawberries in a raised planter next to the hay bale garden . Next I finished emptying the car , cleaned out the chicken coop , called my Father , weeded , worked on my sprinkler system in the back yard , planted a few more plants , cleaned a little here , worked on another spot in the yard , and then tackled the babies chicken coop . I attached the new plastic chicken wire to the existing metal wire to make sure that the babies could not stick their heads in the metal wire and get it stuck , and to contain them in part of the coop . I got their food and water set up , I got fresh new hay in the laying boxes as well as on the floor of the coop . I filled the bunny house with hay in case some of the little ones want to sleep in there . Set up a light to keep them warm at night and then planned the big move . I got a cat carrier and slipped into the bathroom . It was not as easy as I had hoped to gently stuff 17 baby chickens into the cat carrier . There was plenty of room for the short trip and time they would be in it . But getting them into it was harder then I had hoped . I finally got everyone in and walked out to their new home . I sat down in the hay next to the carrier and opened the door . Nothing . I waited 5 minutes , 10 minutes , not even a head peaked out . So I started reaching in and picking them up one by one and putting them in the hay next to me . I got them all out and as curious as they always are , this was new and big and pretty scary . It took quite a while , but they finally adjusted and started scratching in the dirt . Their first time ever on dirt . They pulled at the hay straws , they pecked at things on the ground . They squabbled and chirped and scratched and acted like baby chickens . Then the soon to be roosters starting jumping and challenging each other . There must be at least 5 of them . Maybe more . Maybe a lot more . Even the 2 smallest , Rose and Dewdrop staI did finally get up , take a shower and go to bed . Tired and exhausted from a day lived well . A day filled with beauty and friends , flowers and sunshine , even a shower here and there , a day filled with possibilities . And I managed to accomplish many of those possibilities . My hay bale garden looks just fine . The baby chickens made it through their first night in their new home safe and sound . I fell asleep with Harry sleeping on my legs , Bob Curled up with his head next to mine on my pillow . Henry and Luna fast asleep in their private spots at the foot of the bed and Stella pressed closely up against the back of my knees . And today , I have fed my children , fed myself . I have made a pair of earrings I needed for the show , worked a bit on Thugee 's robe , which I need to finish tonight . I have checked on the babies a couple of times , and did some laundry . now to finish this and head to the Opera House for rehearsal . it is another glorious day . Sunshine , crystal clear skies that are blue all the way to forever . The Martin 's , my bluebirds sit on their porches looking out at this world of ours and my plants reach and stretch towards that endless sunshine , quenched from the short but sweet showers of yesterday . And as I have said so many times , life is good . . . . life is wonderful . . . . . life is a gift to be taken and opened and lived fully and deeply . I have another busy week this coming week with blood work on Monday , lunch with Carolyn on Tuesday then rehearsal that night . Wednesday Andy is bringing my bell and a garden sculpture on his way to Sebring . Thursday will be more rehearsals and then another weekend . This one filled with Easter and chocolate and peeps and Spamalot with Jessie and Rich . And of course there will be work . A feeling of accomplishment . A feeling of normalcy as I get up and do the same routine I have done for over 25 years . Life is good . This week has been way more social then I am used to . Yesterday I had lunch with my dearest friend Geeta . We were supposed to go to Lake Ella for a picnic , but when we went to head to the lake from her office my new Toy would not start . It did not make a noise , light a light , do anything . Dead , rest in peace . Did I panic ? Did I get upset ? Of course . No , actually Geeta started to get worried for me , but I honestly , unbelievably stayed totally calm . I picked up my cell phone and called Mr . Moon , the Car Guy . I told him what had happened , he said no worries he would be right over . And sure enough within 20 minutes he was staring down at my battery hooking a portable battery charger to it . And not only did he get my car started , but he called the Interstate battery people told them I was on my way , and what battery I was going to need . I drove up in front of the store and I had hardly stopped when a guy comes out , tests the battery , tells me what is wrong with mine and in the same movement he pulled out the old batter and placed the new one in . I paid the bill , very reasonable price because Mr . Moon called them first , and off I drove . I went to Costco and picked up cherry tomatoes for Owen . That boy eats so well . His mama and daddy , not to mention his grandparents have taught him well . Then I picked up large steaks for M / M Moon to say thank you to Mr . Moon for coming to my rescue . I slipped into the house and left my treats . Owen and Mary were taking a nap when I slipped in and out . I came home and looked at all the things I needed to do . Then I sat down and just gave out . I did get to bed early and when I woke up this morning I felt a little less tired . I worked a short day today , but a day of accomplishments . Funny how when time is short that is sometimes when you get the most work done . After lunch I drove over to pick up my dear friend Rich for lunch . We haven 't spent nearly enough time together lately , and I do love him dearly . He is one of the funniest , cutest , most adorable and intelligent people I know . And I always have a wonderful time with him . Today was no different . Then we drove over to pick up his car . It was lovely getting to talk and laugh with him . He is such a great guy . After dropping him off to pick up his car I was on the west side of town , but there was a Home Depot so I could get the posts I needed for this weekend to make the coop in the coop for the chickens . Then a quick trip past Joann 's to pick up felt that Ms Denise needs for one of the costumes . Then home to rest before rehearsal tonight . Tomorrow I have a lunch engagement with my friend Carolyn . This is more eating out then I ever do . Shoot , I don 't eat out this much when I am on the road . But I just haven 't spent much time with these dear friends so it was wonderful . Saturday morning is the annual heirloom plant sale at Goodwood Museum . I love this sale each year . The weather is supposed to be rainy . So what ! One year Mary and I went in the pouring rain , each of us with colds . The rain had not reached our homes yet , so we did not realize how bad the rain was when we left . We had no rain gear , but I did have a couple of umbrellas stuck in the back of the closet . So we stood in line in the pouring rain waiting for the gate to open at 9 along with the other insane gardeners . We sloshed in as the gate opened a sea of brightly colored umbrellas and you could see all the umbrellas lean forward in unison as each gardener reached down to claim their first prize . Then about a minute later you saw all the umbrellas slam shut and get shoved under one of the tables so that we could use both hands to pick up plants . It was like a MGM Musical the timing was so perfect . No one complained about the rain . Everyone just busily followed their plan of attack moving from one grouping of plants to the next , shade , sun , partial shade , herbaceous , perennial , vines , ground covers and so on . You must have a plan before attending one these sales . And actually here in Tallahassee they are so polite at their plant sales . In Ft . Myers for the annual hibiscus sale you had old ladies bossing their poor husbands around as the men stood in the heat of the Ft . Myers sun , with no hats , waiting for the door to open to rush past all the exhibits and straight to the sales . There was always at least one husband who succumbed to the heat and went down . He would gently be passed to the back of the crowd . No one , not even his wife moved from their well elbowed in spot . The hibiscus society had learned early on to always have an ambulance there and they would take the poor suffering dear and hold him there while his wife shot through the door grumbling the whole time about him abandoning her . Then everyone would start shoving and grabbing as many pots of any plant they could get their hands on . And the fun would beginI went to a plant sale at Marie Selby Gardens in Sarasota ( there plant sale is in May each year ) many years ago where a little tiny old man , I swear he was 137 years old , knocked me down with his wheel barrow , ran over me with the wheel barrow and then yelled at me for being in his way . I have been to other plant sales where I saw people fist fighting over a particular plant . Ah , the good old days . I love the Goodwood Plant Nursery , but it is calm and quiet and polite . The plants get my heart pumping so I guess that makes up for the lack of drama and action . I have to get with Richard / Colleen this weekend to get the Memorial Service planned . I need to get Thuggee 's robe finished , and Paulette 's earrings . Breathe , you can do all of this , and have your 2 garden bales of hay delivered tomorrow . I am going to try growing tomatoes or eggplants or peppers in hay bales , but you have to buy the right kind of hay bale . Something that was not treated with an herbicide or growth hormone . So today was a stomach problem again . After all I have had what seems like almost a week with no stomach problems , so I fee very fortunate . My appetite is definitely different these days , sometimes I am starving and after a few bites , I don 't want anymore . Mostly I am just not interested in food . I am forcing myself to eat though , I don 't want Dr . M getting on me about my weight . I feel strong , happy , capable . Life is good . The weather has been glorious . And a plant sale on Saturday ! Who - hah , life is good . Friday my friend Bob came and got me . He said , " follow me , I want to show you something . " So I scampered off behind him to the hall in front of the Bureau of pesticides . There on the landing were 2 adult geese and in between them were 2 little balls of yellow and gray fluff and 6 of the biggest feet you have ever seen . They were adorable , and the parents stood as still and quiet as ice staring at us , guards protecting the most precious special gift . And it was a good day at work . Came home I was so tired . I sat down and tried to write a post for this blog , but my brain just wasn 't functioning . I did manage to get everything at the store before heading home . But once home I sat down . I did finally get up and start baking the cake . I got one tier baked and half of the other before just giving up and going to bed . Saturday morning I woke up and headed to the kitchen . I got the rest of the cake baked and got the ganache made and whipped , decorated the cake , made the tepenade , baked a small loaf of French bread to go with it and then made the olives with the herbs and olive oil . OK , all set for the wedding . I got dressed , packed the car and got ready to go . I grabbed a couple of dog cookies and went to the pasture to lock Harry and Bob in there with their cookies . Harry was ready and willing , just give him the cookie ! But no Bob anywhere to be seen . I hunted and called for 30 minutes . Time clicking away that I should have been at Casa Luna helping to get things ready for the wedding . I was so exhausted , but that did not matter . I was ready to give up on Bob and I put my purse in the car so that I could move quicker looking for him when something caught the corner of my eye . And there was Bob , asleep in the back seat of the Toy . I have no idea how or when he got in , but there he was . Relief . I got him put into the pasture , gave him his cookie and now I had to drive like I had a wedding cake in a box in the trunk . And I did . I now it made everyone nervous coming up behind me on the interstate , but I don 't care . The wedding cake made it to the wedding just fine . And the wedding was wonderful ! ! ! ! A perfectly glorious day , friends and beloved ones gathered together , lots of wonderful food and drink and conversation and love filled the air and floated around like the humidity and bugs encompassing us . And everything was perfect , absolutely and totally perfect ! The ceremony was a little after 2 and yet at 8 : 00 pm most of us were still sitting there talking and laughing . I came home . I was so tired . Have I said that already ? I was so tired I couldn 't sleep . So I thought , no problem I will sleep in tomorrow , it is Sunday , a lovely day to sleep in . It is supposed to be the day of rest . I woke up before 7 and did my best to simply stay in the bed until almost 8 . I did a few of the tasks I needed around the house . But not nearly enough . I did manage to make a broccoli quiche and a chocolate torte out of the rest of chocolate cake I didn 't use in the wedding cake . I went to Garden Circle and had a lovely time . We had a guest speaker from McClay Gardens talk about propagation . I always enjoy spending time with the ladies from the Garden Club . On my way home I thought about stopping to see how rehearsal was going , but thought better of it , and instead went home to rest . I got home and wanted to lay down and sleep , but I just couldn 't sleep and I couldn 't think clear enough to post a blog , so I just sat here . It was a glorious day and I did get to do a little of this and that outside . But again , I was so tired I could not fall asleep . Yesterday I went to work . By 1 : 00 when I leave I was exhausted and starving . So I picked up some Chinese to go . I got home around 2 : 30 and ate my lunch and at 4 : 00pm I woke up still sitting in my chair , chopsticks still in my hand , my plate still sitting on my lap . It did look extremely " clean " . I have no idea if I finished eating the food or if Bob and Harry cleaned my plate . I was full , so I guess it didn 't really matter . I might have been getting ready to take an empty plate to the kitchen , I don 't remember , so that is what I did and then I headed on to bed to take a little nap . I thought I would lay down for an hour or so and then get up to wash Harry . At 10 : 00pm I got up and turned on the alarm to wake up this morning and went right back to sleep . I woke up this morning still feeling tired , but not quite so bad . I worked a few extra hours trying to help get caught up on work . This is the time of year that all the aerial applicators head north and west out to make their living , and they are all in a panic trying to be the first to get their licenses together and get out there . It is a crazy time of year for us because of their craziness . Then on my way home I was listening to the pledge drive on WUSF and who should I hear ? But Liz Sparks . Liz is Mary 's Liz from the west , versus her Lis from the east . She was leading the pledge drive . So I emailed in my pledge , in honor of Liz , and because I love NPR . So now here I am here , finally posting , not much to say . The chicken babies continue to get big . They eat and eat and eat , and just keep transforming form peeps to chickens . Some are already looking like roosters , others are obviously hens , and some just have not shown themselves yet . |
Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . Her name was Firefly . Firefly Tuesday and from the moment he saw her from across the park Porter Slughorn knew he had to meet her . As the next few days passed into weeks he could not stop thinking about the blue haired , red skinned girl . He had to find out who she was and where she lived . Even though he was a child he knew what he wanted and this time he wanted to talk to her , to meet her . Every day after school he would go to various places to see if she was there . He would stay at his destination till curfew , even doing his homework there . He knew that the gal was a teenager so he tried to ask Pax about her without making anything to obvious , but his brother was pretty clueless and was no help in locating her . Then finally his luck changed one day while he was at the gardens . He spotted her sitting alone on a bench . He couldn 't believe that a girl like that was alone . He mustered up the courage and took a seat next to her . Porter did not let that discourage him . When he got home that night he googled her , what he learned made him want to get to know her better . She had a blog journal online and he spent the rest of the night reading it . He learned that she had moved from Sim Angeles after her dad died , her mom Oodee could not bear the noise and the stress . They had bought a small farmhouse in Riverview , and after reading the description of their new home Porter 's jaw dropped . The house they lived in was Kyle 's old house , the people who bought it from Kyle sold it to the Tuesday 's and this girl live right next store . He couldn 't understand how this had escaped him . He also learned that this girl was a talented writer . She had several deep , passionate pomes on her blog and he loved them all . Day after day he would find out where she went after school and followed her . He attempted small talk and everyday she would ignore him or leave , but one day , out of loneliness , she decided to engage in a conversation with him . She started off with kids stuff , but he soon changed their conversation to arts and literature . She was very impressed with is knowledge of great poets that soon she forgot about their age gap . Octavia and Kyle were settling into married life quite easily . The boys , well minute Porter , were loving calling him dad and seeing their mom happy . They knew they didn 't have to call him dad , but both boys chose to . They enjoyed having a man in the house who took an interest in what they thought and did . Octavia was very worried about Porter and all the time he was spending away from home and how distant he was getting from her and his brother 's , but Kyle told her that he needed space . He explained that sometimes young boys just need time to figure things out and it was best to give him that time and space and not to smother him . She decided to listen to Kyle 's advice and see what happened . Percy was a loner and even though he loved his mother and brothers he did prefer to spend a lot of time alone . He would spend hours with his blocks building grand buildings and then tearing them down . Octavia would watch him from the playroom doorway as she fantasized that he would be a great architect someday . When this young man wasn 't playing with this blocks he was playing wish this imaginary friend Snuggles . Octavia was worried about that , but she had read that many children had them and eventually they would outgrow it , so she kept a very close eye on her little boy . Then the family got some great news . Octavia was expecting . Everyone was thrilled that there would be a new addition to the Slughorn Clan and secretly Octavia hoped for a girl . Being that she has only boy 's she was confident that there was a good choice among them , and even though Porter refused to take the Slughorn name she could not bear to leave him out so he was among the choices . This made things a little weird between her and Kyle since Porter was the clone of her ex . After their first real fight they came to a decision that Kyle would have a clone made and he would be in the running as well . Kyle rushed her to the hospital where she gave birth to their daughter Parley , English meaning Trader , Slughorn . However , she was born a little underweight and Octavia had some excessive bleeding so instead of the normal two day stay the two Slughorn women had a week stay the local hospital . Both , turned out to be fine , but when they were released Kyle didn 't take them home . Instead they were taken to the local hotel where Kyle and the boys had been staying . Octavia 's aunt had scheduled a remodel to the house long before she passed and she had planned it for now . The renovation had already been paid for and when Kyle asked for some of the plans to be modified for children they told him it would be no problem , but it would take a couple weeks extra . Her little friend the Gnome was there to greet her as well . Looking upon his aged face made her sad , but once he jumped on top of his cane she couldn 't help but smile . As she stepped into her new home she couldn 't help but think of aging and how said that thought was . Have a pool at home was exciting for Pax . Most weekends he would invite Bluebell over and a few other friends from school and they would swim and have fun , and if they weren 't at the Slughorn 's then they could be found at the rec - center . The two were growing quite close and Octavia approved of Bluebell very much . She was a wonderfully polite Sim and she could see the adoration for her son in her eyes . Porter and Firefly spent more and more time together . With all the commotion surrounding Parley 's birth she had forgotten the conversation she had overheard and she didn 't talk to Porter about it . Porter and Percy were in scouts after school and she loved showing Firefly how to salute and tie knots and most of all he loved showering her with gifts . He would pick flowers for her from the gardens and he would make her homemade gifts . The two got many disapproving stares when they were out together especially when people would catch the two of them hugging or holding hands . Even though nothing more than occasional handholding and hugging happened poor Firefly got a lot of grief at about it at school . She already had not friends her own age and this made things worse . For once even Pax wasn 't clueless to what was going on and told her to back off from his little brother , but no matter how hard she tried she was drawn to Porter 's company . She enjoyed spending time with him . Pello wasn 't a loner like Percy , but he did enjoy the great outdoors and from the time school let you till he had to be home for dinner he would go fishing or hiking . His brothers didn 't enjoy the outdoors like he did so many times he found himself alone . He really needed to make some friends at school . Porter invited Firefly over for Parley 's party . This was the first time he had allowed any of his family to meet her . He was apprehensive , but the two stayed away from the party and spent time on the Simbox in the living room . Octavia wasn 't very happy to see that Porter 's friend , the one he talked about often , was about 4 years older than he was . When she expressed this to Kyle he told her that it was innocent and to not get involved . She was beginning to wonder about his parenting skills , but she took his advice and didn 't say anything . That night Porter walked Firefly to the mail box and as she bent down to hug him Porter pressed his lips to hers . This surprised her and she pulled away from him quickly to see a huge smile on his face . She didn 't know what do or what to say so she bid him goodnight and then all but ran home , up the stairs to her room and threw herself on the bed tears instantly soaked the pillow . Porter got into Pello 's face and raised his fist , " You say anything and I will pound you . " He shoves Pello out of his way and headed upstairs . He was going to go and see if Firefly has written anything about their amazing kiss on her blog . Little Parley had her dad wrapped around her little finger , and he loved being a stay at home dad . He was a registered fisherman with Riverview , but since the birth of Parley he didn 't spend much time fishing . He taught her how to walk and she adored him just as much as he did her . Octavia got the unpleasant job of teaching her how to talk . All the little girl wanted to do was hum and sing . Eventually she got it , but it took quite a long time . Kyle and Octavia talked about having more children and they tried and tried with no results . Octavia went in for a checkup and after several tests she found out that she could not have any more children . The excessive bleeding she had with Parley was a symptom of something bigger , but something treatable . She had another visit to the hospital but in the end she was just fine , but could not having any more kids . This news devastated her but Kyle assured her over and over that he was happy with their 4 boys and their baby girl . It took her a long time but finally Octavia came around and started to act like her old self again . And then it was time for another birthday . Percy was about to embark on teenhood . The usual suspects were invited and the festivities started . Everyone had a grand time and as Percy blew out the candles the guests cheered for him . He was attached to Parley when he was a child and that didn 't stop as a teen . He would spend hours with her , chatting and playing with her and he would listen to her childish secrets and pretend they were real . He was a great big brother and unlike the other two he was not wrapped up in his own life to take time for Parley . Porter was right behind Percy , but he opted not to have a big party . Besides there was only one person that he wanted there and she had been avoiding him . After he aged up he called her up and for once she actually answered . " Shit . " She muttered . She hadn 't looked at the caller id and she regretted answering , but his voice sounded a little different and she was curious . " You sound different . " " Hi Firefly I 'm so glad you came . I wanted you to be the first one to see me as a teen . I wanted to tell you that now we can be together . " He could not control his excitement and he reached up to stroke her pink cheek but she quickly pushed his hand away . " We have tonight then . " He tried to take her hands , but she pulled them away . " Fine tell me you don 't want to be with me and I will walk away . " Firefly couldn 't resist him any longer . She knew she was in love with this boy even though it was so very wrong , but for one night they would get no judgment , and she was going to allow herself one night of happiness . She hugged tight to his shoulders not wanting to ever let go . He finally pulled away so they could share their first real kiss . That kiss ignited something deep within both of them and they couldn 't hold back any longer . He led her behind a grove of fir trees for privacy where their kissing became more intense and passionate . Soon they both fell to the ground and as the rain pelted Porter 's back the two consummated their love for one another . He walked her home afterwards . He with her arm around her waist and she pushing close to his side , neither of them uttered a word knowing that what they just experienced with one another could possibly be their last . They were both past curfew and neither of them cared . Firefly knew her mother was still lost in her grief for her dad and never knew what was going on with her daughter and Porter had told Octavia that he was spending the night at Danger 's . The separation was killing him . All he could think about was the feel of her skin and the taste of her lips . He didn 't understand why she wouldn 't at least talk to him . He tried keeping himself busy by working out and it help some , but nothing could keep his mind from her . A month after there one night Porter got a text at 1a . m . from Firefly : I need to see you . It is killing me to be so far away from you . Meet me out back of your house . Porter quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and headed quietly outside . The two climbed up into the tree house with intension of just talking but one thing lead to another and hands began to roam . Octavia got up to get a drink of water and she heard a commotion coming from the back yard . She grabbed a flashlight and went to check it out . Seeing a grown half naked woman atop her teenage son made Octavia feel sick and standing there she couldn 't help but think that Kyle had been wrong all these years . She should have been more attentive . She should have squashed their friendship when she thought she should and all she didn 't do has lead to this . " I don 't want to hear it . Get out of here and you young man . You are grounded indefinitely . Now march your little ass up to your room . " Octavia grabbed his elbow . " I have had enough of your attitude Mr . I am your mother and I have been lenient with you because of the circumstances , but no longer . I love you and I am going to allow you to ruin your life like this . Now get up to your room . " The next morning Kyle and Octavia got into the worst argument of their marriage . When she told Kyle what she had happened he tried to laugh it off and said , " He is a teenage boy with teenage hormones . Firefly is a very pretty girl and just is just barely a Young Adult . He has had a crush on her since he was young it was bound to happen . " Octavia couldn 't believe her ears . The argument lasted for several weeks resulting in them sleeping in different rooms . The turnaround point was when Kyle over heard the conversation between Danger and Octavia in regards to the matter . Danger was boasting about how proud he was of his son and felt that a punishment at all was unnecessary . Octavia hung up the phone in tears feeling that she was being labeled the bad guy in Porter 's life . Kyle came up behind her and took her into a loving embrace . That night they had a great talk about the children and decided that they would always be a united front in regards to them . After that incident Firefly really cut Porter out of her life . She would not return his calls , texts , emails or IM 's . She couldn 't believe that she had done such a horrendous thing . She was embarrassed and needed to get on with her life . She didn 't quite understand it . Well it was more like she didn 't want what she heard to be true . " I 'm sorry . What was that ? " Kyle slid the black velvet box back into his pocket . He never expected that she would cry over his proposal . He knew she would think she was surprised but it , but never that she would cry . He took her hands and led her to the nearby bench . " Octavia , I know you don 't love me like you did Danger , but if you really look inside yourself I know you love me . I can make you and your fantastic boys happy I know I can , but you have to let me in to do it . I want to become a Slughorn and help make your name well known through the Sim world . I - " " Yes ! You are the bravest most wonderful person I know and I want to help make your name a household legacy . " He tightened his grip on her hands and was pleased when she laced her fingers with his . " You don 't know . Sometimes you just have to take a change in life . I thought I loved Misty and we were together for years , but I never felt for her the way I feel for you . I know I want to take a change with you . There is no doubt in my mind , but - " Again Octavia interrupted , " We haven 't even kissed . We don 't even know we connect on that level . " Her voice was shrill and cracked with emotion . Kyle hated to see her like this but as he waited for her to arrive earlier he had decided it was all or nothing and he knew that he could never go back . " I will give you some time to process all this and to figure out how you really feel , but I can 't wait for you forever . If you haven 't given me an answer in two weeks or the answer is you don 't love me I am going to be leaving Riverview . There is nothing but you and your boys here for me and if you don 't want me then I need to find myself a new life . " When she finally dragged herself home she thought that some boding with her boys would be great and luckily they were all home from their dad 's house . A good game of Sims3 on the Simstation did put a smile on her face , but she couldn 't shake the sinking feeling she had in the pit of her stomach . She wanted to talk to Kyle , but he was nowhere to be found . Pax told her when she got home that he hadn 't been home yet . The next few days Kyle didn 't return home and Octavia worried about him . She worried if he was okay and if he hated her . She worried that he would never come home , but as she worried she also thought . At school Pax found out prom was coming up and he knew exactly who he wanted to ask , but she had missed school the past two days . Saturday morning rolled around and he called her up asking if she could meet him at the activities park . She quickly agreed and even though he hated the outdoors he headed out the door . When he got there he found her waiting for him at the mouth of the park . He couldn 't believe his eyes . Her beautiful long hair was no longer . It was chopped short and spiky . She bowed her head and looked at her shoes . " I know it is awful . My dad bought us a chemistry set and my sister was playing with it and I went to get her for dinner and I got caught in the explosion and my hair caught fire . " Pax didn 't like seeing her so said . He put his hand under her chin and lifted her head so that their eyes met . When they did he realized that it isn 't her hair that he was crazy about but her . " Yeah , Um … I wanted to … . Ah … ask you … if you . . uh wanted to … um go … ah … with me to prom ? " His question was drawn out and all over the place . " Well I am glad that it is a yes . " He laughed . " Oh and just for the record I love your hair . " He winked at her and she knew that she would do her best to make him hers . He just chuckled it off as being the mood and didn 't reply . After the dance a bunch of the kids , including the two of them , went to the activities park to hang out and watch the sunrise . It was the only night of the year that Riverview lifted the teen curfew . As her oldest was out finding a new love and have a grand time Octavia and Porter had a breakthrough . He never called her mom and always talked about Danger like he was his idol . Octavia desperately wanted Porter to know that he was his own person . He may be Danger 's clone , but he was his own living breathing person with his own feelings and decisions to make . That night Porter wasn 't feeling well and allowed Octavia to dote over him . She fixed him chicken soup and when she tucked him into bed he allowed her to kiss is little head . Heart broken heart started to mend a little that night . You see Kyle still had not come home or called or anything . Two weeks had passed since Kyle proposed to Octavia . She found herself waiting for him on the front porch . As she sat there sipping her coffee the morning dew soaked threw her flannel pj 's . She was mesmerized by a cute little gnome who was dancing in the yard trying to make her smile at no avail . " Shouldn 't you be at work ? " He asked in a monotone voice as he sat down next to her . He had a sinking feeling that she was going to send him away and the past two weeks he had been preparing to leave . Octavia stood up quickly and threw her cup down and got into his face . " Listen to me . " She shouted taking Kyle back a step . " I am terrified of his and all I know is that I can 't live without you . Do you still have the damn ring ? " Her anger took over and her face grew red . After that things started too happened pretty fast . Kyle insisted on having a semi - big wedding and that Octavia have a bachelorette party . He wanted to make sure she didn 't miss out on a thing . Over the years Misty and Octavia started to rebuild their friendship , but they weren 't as close as they use to be . Octavia had a new close friend . Her name was Breeka Blush and she was Octavia 's maid of honor . Many of you may be wondering what the boys think of all this . Pax and Percival were thrilled at the thought of Kyle being a Slughorn , but Porter was not thrilled . He had never taken on the Slughorn name and all he wanted was to move in with Danger , but Octavia and the courts would not let that happen . However , even though he didn 't like it he didn 't cause a scene . Thank goodness for small favors . Finally the big day arrived and Octavia woke up in awe . It was her wedding day . After all those years of Danger stringing her along she never thought this day would ever arrive . " Octavia Brenda Slughorn , it has taken us a long time to get here and I for one will never let it go . I vow to make you happy , treat you with respect and love your boys . Till death do us part my love . " He put the ring on her finger . " Kyle Brundel Time , we started out as friends and now I can 't see my life without you in it . It took me a long time to figure out that I love you . I vow to you that I will treat you with respect and love you till death do us part . " Breeka had been in charge of the cake and she did a wonderful job of it . The cake was fluffy and delicious . The guests had a grand time . Time moved along as it does and the Slughorn 's were finding a sense of normalcy again . Kyle , who happened to live next store , would come by every morning . Octavia would wake up to him mowing the lawn , or weeding the garden or other outdoor jobs . Kyle hated being in his big house alone . Misty didn 't want in the divorce and he couldn 't stand the memories it held . Octavia understood what he was going through and made sure he was invited to dinner every night and included him in many of the family outings . Octavia couldn 't take that news . He had become her friend , her confidant , and her rock . She couldn 't bear the thought of losing him . She discussed it with the boys and they asked him to move in with them once the house was sold . The boys gushed about how he would bunk in their room and it would be like the ultimate sleepover . Kyle , who didn 't want to leave Octavia either , agreed and the move , was set in motion . " Today you are going to be a child little brother . " Pax 's words had been carefully planned out and rehearsed . " This means you are going to have to help Porter and I help mom around the house . Our dad didn 't do the greatest job of taking care of mom , but we can . Do you understand me little brother ? " " If you can 't do it yourself then I will get you a bowl of cereal , but let mama sleep . We have a busy day today and she does a lot work for us as it is . " Pax was growing up way to fast and this worried Octavia as she stood on the other side of her door listening to her boys . The morning was spent feeding the boys and getting ready for the party ahead . The party itself was a grand success . The day was filled with great friends , good music , fun games and great food . Then all too quickly it was time for another birthday party , this time from child to teen hood and this aging worried Octavia . She knew that Pax was as great child , loving and kind , but she also knew that he was the child of Danger and he could start showing behaviors much like his father 's . As she planned for the party she worried about what could happen but hoped for the best . As the age sparkles overtook the young boy the party attendees cheered . Look do you see who was finally allowed visitation and actually came ? Is it a surprise to you that he came ? * * * I would love to hear your thoughts about it . * * * There was only one thing that Pax really wanted for his birthday and that was a fresh start with his dad . Now that his dad was allowed , by law , to be a part of his life and he took the time to come to his party he wanted a start over . Octavia didn 't understand this . The man walked away from his family , from his boys , but the boys in question only wanted their dad even after all that . So she tried to be more like her children and said she would try to be civil to him for her boys . " Octavia , I won two tickets for a three night stay in Simwaii . I thought that since Pax is now a teen and he can watch the younger boys you would go with me . " He smiled widely at her . He knew that Pax would just on board and he was right . " Mom that would be great for you to go with Kyle . You work so hard and you do so much for all of us it is time to do something for yourself . " Pax looked over at Kyle who nodded his head in agreement . " Mom it is only for three days . I can help them with that stuff . I had Mr . Trent for history mom and I know what he expects when a student gives a report , and you know spelling is easy for me . " While his mother was gone Pax was true to his word . He made sure his brothers got up and made it to school on time . He helped them with their school work and even made them healthy dinners , despite the fact that Octavia had left them some money to order food . During the party he got a little cozy with this stunning gal . Her name is Bluebell Red and she was new to Riverview . Pax didn 't know what he was feeling and where those feelings were going , but he had a great time chatting with her and cuddling with her under the stars . After they had been home a month he couldn 't take just being friends any longer . So one afternoon Octavia came home from work to an empty house . Laid on her bed were a beautiful dress and a note . The note read : I am not going to beat around the bush with you any long . Please put on this dress and meet me at the park . The boys are at Danger and Misty 's house for supper and will be back later tonight . Octavia looked at the note several times and didn 't quite understand the meaning of it . " Beating around the bush with me ? " She thought to herself as she put on the beautiful dress Kyle bought her . Before she could say something that would ruin the moment he dropped to one knee and pulled out his large purchase from Simwaii . He opened the box quickly , " Octavia , be my wife . I know I can make you and your boys happy . " I am not going to tell anyone they can 't read this but if my younger readers decide to please know beforehand this is a very detailed version of the night Octavia and Danger spent together . It also gives a better idea of Dangers thoughts and feelings . So please if you are under 16 make sure you have permission or at least know what you are about to read . He stuck his foot into the door as Octavia tried to close it . " Listen Babe , we have been dating for a while now . Why don 't it . She thought it would be a good way to break the awkward silence . Danger joined in for a while , but this kids stuff wasn 't on his list for the night and no sooner it began he ended it . " Yeah I guess that would be okay . There is a pair of men 's sweat pants and a T - shirt up in the guest bedroom . My aunt had them here and I washed them and decided they would come in handy . " She leaned over and whispered to him that she has never done it before . He chuckled lowly , took her hand and told her he would keep her safe . He guided her to the bed and took her into his arms . Octavia didn 't know what to do or how to move so her hand found her hair and weaved into it . " Touch me . " His voice is full of lust and is very quite against her ear . Taking her earlobe in his lips sends move quivers through her body . He moves to his knees and removes the T - shirt . His muscles were taut and sweaty and the sight of them drove Octavia insane . She can 't help herself and begins to reach for him , but he stops her by putting his hand to her chest . With lust Not long after that they were both void of all clothing and he was lying on top of her . He moved her hair out of her face and stared deep into her eyes and pushed his way into her . Letting out a loud painful noise she moved her head to the right and Danger pauses . He wanted to make sure she was okay . He stared down at her watching her pull her bottom lip up under her teeth as she winched in pain , but he knew there was no turning back . In the morning he played the dutiful " boyfriend . " He ate breakfast with her , but every time she tried to talk about the night before he would divert the conversation into something no so important . When she headed to work and he home he kissed her on her round cheek and told her he would see her later , knowing that he was lying . As the days and months started to pass he couldn 't stop thinking about her . When he was with a new gal he only saw Octavia 's face , but he had reputation to uphold and he couldn 't be falling in love with her . Could he ? What had she said to him ? He was going to be a father ? As he dropped his phone to the floor the air left his lungs . What was he going to do ? Everyday after he had new thoughts . These thoughts were if she was eating well , if she was feeling well and was she going to have his son or daughter . Three times a day he grabbed his phone wanting to call her , and every time he chickened out knowing she could never forgive him for his play boy attitude and cavalier behavior . As Octavia stood on her front porch looking out at Riverview thinking about how she was going to handle her new life . Her phone sounded off in her pocket . Not wanting the ringing to wake Pax she answered without looking at the caller ID . This is Octavia Slughorn . She is the founder of the Slughorn legacy . Before I start in on the story I wanted to let you , the reader , know that I have never played a legacy before and I don 't really know the rules . So I guess I am not playing with any rules other then the following : 1 ) No Cheats ( unless I have to reset a sims for some reason ) this rule could change , but as of right now I plan on playing this way . 2 ) The next generation heir / heiress will be the opposite sex of the one before . So generation two will be lead by a male and if I don 't have one naturally adoption is an option . 3 ) The founder / heir must at least have two children and up to 6 . 4 ) And each child has to start with the next letter in the alphabet from what the heir / heiress is . For example all of Octavia 's children must begin with a P . That is what I have so far . If you , my reader , have any suggestions or tips on playing I would love to hear them . You can find me on facebook under Ashby Lemi or you can leave me a comment here or email me at ( enter email address ) . Octavia Slughorn grew up in a small rural town . She is the twelfth child of Sabrina and Lenny Slughorn and her parents were very tired during her child and teen years . Many of her siblings past her by , not because they didn 't like her , but because there were so many of them , the only family member that she seemed to bond to was her Great Aunt Gina . When Octavia was seventeen her Great Aunt died and she found out that she had left her three bedroom farm house to her in Riverview . She was sad at the passing of her aunt , but was thrilled of the prospect of a new life once she was eighteen . The next year seemed to drag on . All the furniture had been covered with sheets to keep the dust off , but the floors , walls , and everything else that couldn 't be covered had a thick layer of dust . It was going to take some time to get this place in " living " condition . Luckily she had been smart enough to call ahead of time and get the water and electric turned on . Since she arrived in mid - morning she decided that the best thing to do would be to make sure the bedroom and bathroom was cleaned up before the rest of the house . However , before she did that she took a tour of the house . It was oddly decorated , but she knew that she could change that once she started to make some money . In the barn she found many strange things . " Why would an old woman want all these things ? " She thought to herself as she took inventory on three raido 's , a T . V . , a sports car and two computers . On the second floor of the barn were a reading room and some other activities . She worked into the early evening and when her stomach began to rumble with hunger she assessed her funds . After the move and the plane ticket she only had $ 127 left . She made the decision that she could order pizza that first night but then she needed to be very frugal until she could get a job and start earning her way in the world . Octavia was very impressed with the kindness of the people in Riverview when the pizza delivery woman also brought her that day 's paper . As Octavia ate her dinner she read the paper looking to see what jobs were available . As she read through the wanted ads something caught her attention . The local salon was looking for a new stylist . Right then and there as she inhaled her last bite of pizza she decided that she wanted to be a Fashion Phenomenon . The next morning she tried to log on the laptop her Great Aunt left behind only to find out that it was password protected . She really wanted to email home and let her family know that she had made it safe and sound . After twenty minutes of working on it she finally entered the correct password . This was probably the first and last time this little lady was lucky in something . When she got there her fellow stylists showed her to her station . Octavia couldn 't help her excitement and she was laughed at by her fellow co - workers . She didn 't mind this because she was eighteen , on her own and now earning a living , it was so much to be excited about . Octavia 's first makeover didn 't go so well . Her first customer was Audry Burns and all she wanted was a simple outfit change . All I can say is the Octavia is very luck that Audry gave her a second chance . She had worked so hard and was so focused on her career that she hasn 't really taken the time to explore her new town . So one Sunday afternoon , her days off were Sundays and Mondays , she decided to go to the park . She planned on getting so reading in under a nice tree and perhaps do some people watching . On her way home from the park she decided to stop by the restaurant for dinner . She met a handsome man there by the name of Titas Covington . She found him very alluring . Could this be the name for our dear Octavia ? I guess we will have to see . She was too young to drink so the bartender fixed her up a yummy virgin drink and it made Octavia feel so grown up sitting at a bar with a fancy drink in her hand . The first night she went the club was very empty so she enjoyed herself on an empty dance floor . She was loving life . Time began to move along and Octavia continued her daily ritual . She worked diligently during the week and after work she was either at Misty 's , Misty 's husband Kyle was a great cook , or Misty was at her house or they were on the phone to one another . During her weekend she would have a few of her clients over or she and Misty would go shopping , to the park or just out to lunch . A year went by and she never once regretted her decision to move to Riverview . She was becoming very popular in her job and many people requested her services . She had been promoted several times and at the end of the year she held the title of Couture Connoisseur . One day she received a makeover requests for new swimwear for a new resident of Riverview . His name was Danger Zone and when Octavia met him she got instant butterflies . She could barely form complete sentences . Over the next several months Octavia would see Danger around town and he always seemed to be with a different woman every time . He never called her and yet every time she saw him she would forget how much of a jerk he was and turn into a wobbly insecure little girl . He always acknowledged her and treated her more like a little sister then a woman , but again she didn 't seem to notice that . Octavia giggled at his sarcasm and agreed . He showed up at her door ten minutes later and they were on their way . Being it was pretty late at night only adults were in attendance and Octavia got to meet new people . She stripped and felt very self conscious as he gazed upon her lean naked body . " I thought you were going to skinny dip too . " She meant for the words to sound harsher than they did . Over the next several months the two dated . Danger would whisper sweet words in her ear in hopes that he would score . Every date Octavia would kiss him sweetly as he dropped her off and told him that she had a great time . She thought that what was developing between them was real . She didn 't know that Danger just wanted to add her name to his list . Finally one night Danger put his foot in the door as Octavia tried to close it . " Listen babe , we have been dating for a while . How about you invite me in for a night cap ? " Octavia didn 't see the harm and let him in . Immediately he grabbed her and pulled her close . He kissed her neck and rubbed his check against hers . His charms finally worked and that night they were together . When she got home from work that night she dialed Danger 's number . She had been on cloud nine the whole day and she just wanted to hear his voice , but he didn 't answer . She thought it very curious , but didn 't let herself worry about it . Instead she called Misty and told her all about her previous evening . Misty , didn 't approve of Danger but she wasn 't going to rain on her friend 's parade and just allowed her to talk and provided the needed " uhhuh 's and hmmhmm 's " when needed . When Octavia began to feel ill she went to the doctor 's and she found out that her one time with Danger had resulted in a consequence . She was pregnant . She couldn 't believe it and ran to Misty 's house . Misty hugged her and told her she need to tell Danger . Together they called him from Misty 's phone and he answered . Misty was over just about every day , it seemed , helping Octavia out and she assured Octavia that she would be there when the time came . She made sure Octavia was eating right and she expressed words of encouragement when Octavia felt she couldn 't do this . She was even there when Octavia had to call home and tell her folks . The day she brought him home she stood on the front porch looking out at Riverview . She was Twenty years old , single with a new baby . What was she going to do ? How was she going to do this ? Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . " ~ Lotus EverglowThe Falling Skies Blog and the Road Less TraveledFalling Skies News , Episode Reviews , Character Reviews and Canadian and Independent Film New and InterviewsThe inside storyThis WordPress . com site is the cat 's pajamasTV AddictWatching just about everythingMadeline Lemi - Generation 3To live is like to love - - all reason is against it , and all healthy instinct for it - Samuel ButlerOur ImperfectionsOne Mother 's Journey to SuccessA Berry Crazy ISBIStyxLady 's " I 'm Surrounded By Idiots " Challenge Attempt |
Posted on 30 November , 200313 June , 2016 by breanna carter Helen is spending the weekend at her friend Teresa 's house while their moms are out of town . The two girls want to go to a concert , but Teresa 's dad denies them permission to stay out so late . The girls decide to go anyway , and opt to sneak out . That should go over really well . When I was in third grade , my mom divorced my stepdad and we moved into a new neighborhood . It was weird to me , actually living in a neighborhood for once ; the ones I was used to were filled with old people , or at least teenagers that weren 't even close to my age . This neighborhood , on the other hand , was filled with kids of all ages . That is , except ones that were my age . They were either two years older or two years younger , and the fifth graders really didn 't care to know me that much . It didn 't bother me , though , because they were all boys anyway , and who can have sleepovers at a boy 's house ? I basically hung out with a first grade girl that lived a few houses down until she moved out at the beginning of the summer after third grade . It was sad for me , but since I didn 't know her THAT well , I didn 't take it too hard . There were plenty of other kids that lived near that I could hang out with . In a matter of days , a new family moved into the house . A family with a mom and a dad and six kids . I figured that at least one of the kids could be close to my age and I set off to find out for myself . That evening , I found a new best friend : a girl two years younger than I named Teresa . From that point on , I had a new family with things I never had , like brothers and sisters and also a father , and one extra mom . Anyway , that 's just a little background for you . That 's really not what the story is about at all . I mean , sure , I could go into detail about every little fight we had , all of the fun sleepovers and stuff , but really , none of that stuff sticks out in my mind . There 's only one situation that I can remember every , and I mean EVERY , detail of . It was the night of a big concert downtown , the day after my sixteenth birthday and my first day with a license . My mom and Teresa 's mom were out of town together to have a " girl 's weekend out " and I was left in the hands of 6 squalling kids and Teresa 's father . Teresa growled under her breath and stormed off to her room , slamming the door . I looked at her dad and kind of shrugged then trudged away . It was a funny situation , how they lived . Teresa had her own room as long as I could remember , but I don 't guess it really bothered the other kids that much . It was a four bedroom house , and the boys were all piled in the same room , and the twin girls had their own room , and Teresa , a room to herself . " Yeah , " she answered and I went on inside then plopped on her bed . " Helen , we have to go to that concert … I just HAVE to see that band . " I nodded , not really wanting to give my two cents , but she looked so desperate on finding a way to go … I don 't even think the idea of sneaking out even crossed her mind . So I watched her sitting there , racking her brain for some idea , pitying her for being so goody - goody that she couldn 't think of the BEST way to get out of the house . Finally I said it : " Let 's just sneak out , Teresa … It won 't be that hard . We 'll leave at 11 , I 'll keep my car at my house , we can walk down there , and drive off , get back in after the show , and nobody 'll ever know . " She averted her eyes to the floor and thought , then looked back at me . " No , I guess not . But I don 't think it 's a good idea … if we got caught Dad would kill us . . " I shrugged . " Let 's go on to the mall now , " I said . " We 'll get back by ten and then we can say we 're calling it a night and then we can leave and go to the concert . " We went to the mall , I driving , of course , since she was only 14 , her father giving us tons of warnings before I left . Her dad was a pretty nice guy , a father figure that I never had . He was in his 30s and a military guy , towering a good 6 ' 4 over the two of us , so those warnings showed that he meant business . Definitely no drinking , smoking , doing drugs , having sex , stealing , or starring in kiddie porn sites . The mall was really uneventful , to say the least . We just walked around and drank strawberry - banana smoothies and ate pretzels , gawking over cool outfits at different stores . Teresa found the perfect outfit to wear to the concert , a skimpy black tanktop that showed more skin than it covered up and some adorable tight jeans . We also went to the temporary tattoo place and she had a fairy painted onto her stomach that was way too expensive for me to even consider getting . But hey , if she had the money , that was her thing . I preferred buying more useful stuff , that was permant , like cds . We headed back home around nine because that 's what time the mall was closing and we really didn 't have anywhere else to go except for the concert , and it didn 't start until eleven . When we got there , Teresa 's dad and her older brother were watching something on tv , it looked like That 70s Show , my personal favorite because of my infatuation with Ashton Kutcher , but we didn 't stick around long enough to watch it . Teresa was already headed towards her room , exclaiming that she didn 't feel too well and wanted to head onto bed . I figured that she couldn 't get more obvious that we were going to sneak out than that . I shrugged and followed her , saying that she probably just ate too much at the mall but the guys didn 't seem to really care that much . I shrugged and changed into my pajamas , desperately hoping that everyone was sound asleep in a couple of hours . I 'd hate for us to open the window to sneak out , only to find Teresa 's dad swinging the door open to tell us goodnight . That would suck , not to mention ruin our plans . Around 10 : 30 , her dad came in and told us goodnight , not to stay up too late , and apologized to Teresa for upsetting her earlier . She kind of accepted his apology , shrugging then rolling over to pretend like she was going to sleep . I just smiled and told him goodnight . " Are you ready ? " Teresa 's shaky voice whispered in the darkness . I don 't know why she chose that time to whisper , we had been talking at a normal tone for the past thirty minutes . " Yeah , I guess , " I answered , not seeing what the big deal was . She was so jumpy that it was getting kind of annoying . " You begin opening the window , QUIETLY , and I 'll check to make sure no one happens to be standing in the den waiting to catch us leave . " I rolled my eyes although she couldn 't see . " Fine , " I whispered back . I rolled off the bed and cracked the door , peering outside in the den and hallway , seeing almost absolutely nothing , but noticing that all of the doors were shut from the small glimpse of light there was . I shut the door back as she fiddled with the window . I moved towards the lamp and flipped it on . She scowled at me and finally got the window open . I searched around in my bag for my baggiest pair of jeans and a tiny T - shirt . I went ahead and dressed myself then brushed my hair and chewed on a piece of ice breakers gum , to take away my bad breath . I slipped my shoes on and waited for Teresa , who was moving as slowly and quietly as a snail . Bad simile , I know . She glared at me but hurried up anyway . I flipped the lamp back off and she hopped through the window with ease . I followed shortly behind , baffled for a minute about what to do with the window , and just decided to leave it open . There was such a distance between her room and the ground that we might not be able to open it when we got back home . Teresa did have her key , though , and if it came down to it , she could use it to sneak back in through the front door . When we got on the freeway , I blared our favorite band and both of us sang along , her filled with adrenaline from doing something so " daring " and I just having fun . I wasn 't exactly what you would call a BAD child , but I wasn 't worried about anything . If we did get caught , the worst that could happen would be getting grounded , and that didn 't really bother me that much . It wasn 't like I went out that often anyway . Besides , I knew we wouldn 't … what are the chances that her dad would just * happen * to go in her room and see us missing ? Slim to none . The concert was great . We jammed to the coolest local bands and flirted with hott guys all night . I could tell that Teresa was nervous as hell , and a couple of times she asked if we could go back home cause she had a bad feeling , but I told her to relax , nothing was going to happen . Naturally , she took a deep breath in and flirted with more guys . Around two in the morning , all of the bands had played and everyone stood around talking with the bands and their friends . I saw how nervous Teresa was and decided to cut my conversation with the hott bassist short . I wanted to talk to him about everything , from song writing to college to his girlfriend , hopefully lack there of . But I just talked about how awesome his band was then insisted that I leave because I had to be home by three . He grinned at me and said he hoped to see me at the next concert . I made a note to myself that he was either single or greedy then hurried Teresa out of the door . " Right . . " I said sarcastically . " I don 't see what you 're all worried about … we 're not going to get caught , unless your dad randomly checks the rooms every night at 1 AM . " I looked up and noticed the porch light . WAS it on when we left ? " I 'm sure it was … " I murmured , knowing that she didn 't believe me because even I doubted myself . We snuck around the side of the house towards her window . I wasn 't really that worried about it … I figured that maybe he just forgot to turn the light off after we got in . That is , I wasn 't really worried until I heard her mutter , " oh shit . " I looked up to see the window shut . She looked at me with puppy eyes . " Relax , " I whispered , feeling the full effect of her nervousness now . " I 'm sure it fell or something . Window 's fall down all the time . You have the key , don 't you ? " " No , that 's even more risky . We could fall and break a few bones or something . " She shuddered . " Look , let 's just go in through the front door . " We were both basically thinking the same thing … we 're fucked . We held hands on the way back to the porch , trying to comfort each other . She was definitely more scared than I was , but her nerves were making me nearly as jumpy . The cat jumping through the bushes almost gave ME a heartattack , although it didn 't phase Teresa that much at all . We climbed up the steps slowly , taking one at a time , then looking at each other and taking another . Unfortuantly , there were only four steps , so although it seemed like we were creeping towards the top , we were there in a matter of seconds . I let in a deep breath and so did she , then she inserted the key in the lock and turned . We heard the door unlock and took one final deep breath before we shoved the door open . We tiptoed across the living room , still holding each other , probably more this time because I didn 't want to run into anything and get us caught . We had made it this far , it would REALLY suck to get caught now . We went through the living room , then through the hallway , past her brothers ' door , and took a step down entering the den , where what we saw made my heart stop . It was the computer , turned on , and a man sitting in front of it that I recognized as Teresa 's father . " It 's about time you girls got home , " he said , not even whispering , although he was using an extremely calm voice . That isn 't always a good thing , though . " Go to your room , " he added , rising from his seat at the desk . The den was a big square room , and when coming in from the hallway , like we were , Teresa 's room was on the left , and straight ahead was her parents ' room and her sisters ' room , and to the right of their rooms was a tv and then if you moved over a little bit , the computer desk sat . It was at a position where you couldn 't see it until you entered the den . Anyway , so Teresa and I , by this time we were panic - stricken , turned left and nearly plowed into the closed door . Her dad was not far behind us , and the thought of him following us made me a little uneasy . I really wasn 't up for being yelled at tonight , and him waking everybody up , because being a military guy and all , I was sure that he could yell pretty loudly . He didn 't buy it . " Yeah , it was a late showing at midnight and we really wanted to go . " Hey , it was a dumb excuse but I was desperate for something and I knew that being downtown at a concert definitely wouldn 't fly with her dad . " Helen , you lying to me is NOT helping the situation any , " he said angrily , looking back towards Teresa 's downcast eyes . " Teresa ! Where did you go , and I expect the truth young lady ! " There was a moment of silence and all I could hear was her dad 's loud breathing and Teresa 's fidgeting . " Do you realize how worried I was ? I see both of you gone and I don 't know if you snuck out or what . And what the hell are you wearing Teresa ? " I rolled my eyes . " Give it a rest already . It was my idea to go to the concert in the first place … you shouldn 't blame Teresa . " He shot me a look that made me instantly close my mouth . " You know , Helen , I honestly don 't care that it was your idea . What I 'm worried about is that you drove after state curfew , went to some concert downtown and Lord knows how much traffic there is down there , and the two of you are only 14 and 16 years old . Do you realize that you could have gotten raped or killed ? You could have gotten in a wreck , or even arrested for being out past curfew . And what bothers me the most , Helen , is that you are the leader to my kids , they look up to you and adore you and want to follow in your footsteps , and what you did tonight showed me how irresponsible and immature you really are . " I tried to keep my glaring at him down to a minimum . But who the hell was he to call me irresponsible and immature ? He sure as hell wasn 't my father … although he was close enough … " Teresa can make her own decisions and can think on her own , and even if it was your idea to go tonight , she could have easily turned you down . " He looked back at Teresa whose eyes were still fixed on the ground . " And Teresa , I 'm upset at you for sneaking out of the house AND for wearing that type of clothing . And that tattoo I see on your stomach must be one of those temporary ones that they give at the mall that we 've told you plenty of times you can 't have . " She didn 't argue . I wanted to argue for her and tell him that it was her own money and she could spend it as she pleased . But if she didn 't want to stick up for herself , I couldn 't change that . My mouth dropped to the floor and he left the room . I sat there … I don 't even know the words to describe how I felt . I was nervous , scared , shocked , angry . It was like my stomach was twisted into knots and I wanted to shout that he couldn 't do that to me , but I knew he could and I was scared because I had never been spanked before . Well maybe once or twice as a kid , but that didn 't count . I was too young to even remember that … And pants down ? What was the deal with that ? It must mean that this was pretty serious … I mean … gee , I 'd known that spankings were given in this household , I 'd even seen one once … I remembered that day so vividly … How Teresa showed disrespect towards her mother , popping off to her and throwing her dinner plate onto the floor for some unknown reason . I remembered how her mother spoke the words " wait til your father gets home " and all the kids gasped , even me , although I didn 't know what it meant . I was only ten at the time , and I hadn 't known them for that long … But before I knew it , Teresa 's father entered the silent house . He came in , but nobody spoke , as we all knew the wrath of my best friend … or THEY knew the wrath , I just assumed that I knew what it was . And then everything after that … her mom describing the yelling and the plate crashing onto the floor … I saw Teresa with a tear trickling down her cheek staring at her feet . And her father said " is that true , Teresa ? " and Teresa nodded , ashamed of herself for once . And then he announced the punishment … " A pants down spanking after dinner " and another audible gasp arose from the table . A pants down spanking was the worst of punishments … worse than hanging one of the kids upside down by their toes . Teresa had finished eating her dinner slowly , and I , too , ate slowly . For Teresa was the only person I wanted to hang around with at the house , and I didn 't want to leave the room until after her spanking was over so we could go into her room and play with her doll house or something . She fi " Helen ? " Teresa said softly , and I snapped back into reality . Everything in my head was happening so vividly I had forgotten that I was about to receive MY spanking … I shrugged a little , trying to keep my hands from shaking so much . I looked at her . Her brown hair was fallen into her eyes , and there was three traces where tears had fallen just moments before . I didn 't want to tell her how scared I was … I don 't think I really had to tell her … she felt it . She hugged me tightly then moved towards the door , turning the handle . We both held our breath , just like in scary movies when they 're about to open a big door and discover something important , or really scary … The door slowly opened and her dad turned around then walked inside , shutting the door back . I felt the same thing I had felt before … that same throbbing feeling of confusion and something else , I just couldn 't quite put my finger on it . My heart was racing and I was having trouble breathing , something like an anxiety attack . It was moving in slow motion . I closed my eyes and opened them back again , so maybe it would help me see straighter . I was so dizzy . I stood over towards the side of the room and her dad sat on the bed . I told myself to breathe . " Come here , " he told me , pointing for me to stand next to my friend . " I need to talk with both of you before I begin . " I nodded and weakly stepped towards her father , twiddling my thumbs . " Teresa , Helen … Look , I love you both … Teresa you 're my daughter , and Helen , you 're so close to being one you might as well be … I care about each of you so much that I couldn 't bear it if something happened to either of you . This sneaking out thing … it 's not a very smart idea at all . You could have had an accident or worse . Two teenagers downtown in the middle of the night is trouble waiting to happen . Older guys look at kids your age because they know you 're vulnerable . I know you two think you could take care of yourselves , but if it was a big gang of guys … I know you were mad at me for telling you no about staying out so late . But I only do it to protect you . And Helen … I don 't appreciate you lying to me at all . I want you both to know that the kids in this house look up to both of you as a positive influence , and if they saw that you guys snuck out of the house and got away with it , they would all think they could do the same , and somebody would end up getting hurt , more so than I 'm doing right now , okay ? " I nodded . " Teresa , you know we don 't want you wearing that type of clothing . That basically invites guys to rape you . The tattoo thing . . well , it doesn 't really bother me , it 's just that we already told you that you couldn 't have one , and you went and did it anyway . I know you 're 14 and you feel grown up , but you 're not yet , and you 're still under my house and my rules . When I tell you not to do something , you will NOT do it , do you understand me ? " I felt her nod next to me . " Helen , I expect you to respect me more so that you have done tonight . " I , like Teresa , hung my head , staring at the carpet in shame . My heart began to pound again with the stillness that engulfed us . Finally he spoke again . " Okay , Teresa . You 're first . " I took a couple of steps over and looked up as Teresa wiped her eyes . I knew if she was that scared , I may as well have fallen over with a heartattack by now … but unfortuantly , I hadn 't . Teresa looked into her father 's eyes . She slipped her fingers between the waistband of her pj pants and after looking at her father for a couple of seconds , pleading with him to change his mind , she tugged them down to her knees . All I could feel was my heart thumping and I kept telling myself to breathe , because I was finding it rather difficult to do so without telling myself . He gently pulled the limp body over his lap , positioning her to where her hands touched the floor and her bottom was raised high in the air . Without hesitating , he tugged her panties down to meet her pj pants . I took another breath in and another one out , closed my eyes and opened them , still trying to help myself see straight , then I watched , the only thing else I could do . He raised his hand up high and landed the first smack on her upturned bottom , causing her to squeel a little bit . My heart began beating faster and faster . I thought about the last spanking I had witnessed as he raised his hand and crashed his hand down on her bottom again . The first spanking … short and simple … A young girl in the livingroom with her father sitting on the couch expressing his anger and disappointment to her , telling her how she better never use that tone of voice with her mother again , never throw anything in this household . She had stood twitching nervously , wishing that it wouldn 't happen . He had ordered her to pull down her pants and she did so , me watching from a distance … It was over quickly , just two sharp smacks on her rear end and an admonishing voice telling her to never do something like that again … But this … it was far , FAR worse than the other punishment . He was already working up a rhythm and Teresa was kicking furiously , her bottom a light pink color . I was hoping that he 'd stop soon , because my heart was pounding so loudly that I wished I could get my punishment over with so it 'd stop … pounding loudly I mean . But he didn 't stop , or even let up on his smacks . He just hit her bottom in rhythm as she tried to stay brave , but it was so hard for her , I could tell . Her eyes were already beginning to tear up and her cries of " ouch " were getting louder and louder . Her kicking increased with the speed of his arm spanking her . Her bottom turned a darker pink and she was full out crying by now , kicking and pleading for her dad to stop . I wanted to cry , because I knew in a matter of seconds it would be me over her father 's knee , getting the daylights spanked out of me . And who knows , it might be worse because I 'm older , or because I talked back to him , drove her to the concert … I remembered after the spanking how I found my friend in the den laughing . It was a nervous laughter , I knew … but she wouldn 't play it as that . She didn 't deny it hurting the least bit … Of course , I didn 't ASK her if it 'd hurt , I just assumed it did . She said she had a pink handprint on her rear end from those smacks . This was more than a pink handprint … this was a fully red bottom by now . The room was filled with muffled sobs and loud smacking noises and I feared for my bottom more than ever at this point . If it could cause my friend , whom had been spanked before , to cry like this , what would it do to me ? ? I 'd probably pass out from exhaustion of kicking and crying so much . Finally the sounds of hand - meeting - bottom stopped and the only noise that filled the room was Teresa 's loud sobbing . I imagined that her dad probably made me watch so I 'd be scared shitless when it was my time . Whether that was his plan or not , it worked . He hoisted her from his lap and held his weeping daughter in his arms . " Shhh , shhh , honey … It 's okay . " He rocked her back and forth for a minute , causing my anticipation to rise higher and higher . I tried not to be so nervous , but it 's so hard when you know what 's awaiting for you . He finally lifted Teresa up and she wiped her eyes with one hand and rubbed her bottom with the other then hobbled over to where I was , still crying . " Your turn , Helen . . " he said , looking into my eyes and causing my heart to skip about seven beats . I picked up one foot and put it in front of the other , not really going very far … I did that one final time and I was standing to the side of him . I fidgeted nervously with my hands as I stood there . " Pants down , " he ordered . I complied , still fidgetting and heart racing more than ever . Was I really about to get spanked ? I saw Teresa crying in the corner … I didn 't want to do this … I was so scared . I stood there , pants to my knees , looking at him . He didn 't waste time and helped me over his lap . I imagined what I looked like in this position , probably as ridiculous as I felt . The next thing I felt was hands tugging my panties down and a hand resting on my bottom . I let out a small whine . He hand was so warm , in contrast to how my bottom felt … It was foreshadowing how my entire bottom would feel in a matter of seconds … It was just resting there , lightly , giving me the chills with every millisecond I waited that felt like hours . " Helen , like I told Teresa , I am very disappointed in you tonight . I want to make sure that you never think about doing anything like that again . " His hand lifted from my tiny bottom where it rested and I clenched my eyes close together . I knew what was coming … I had seen this just minutes before , only it wasn 't me in this position , it was my best friend . I braced myself for what was to come , but all the thought that were running through my mind of how much it would hurt … NOTHING could compare to the sting when his hand collided with my bottom . " OWWWWWW ! " I cried out , not expecting it to hurt NEARLY that much . I have to be brave , I told myself . I was 16 and I needed to take my punishment like a 16 year old , not a baby . He gave me a second to regain my composure . I was thankful for that , except it made my bottom tingle and sting like crazy and my heart still thumped loudly and I was breathing really heavily . He raised his hand again and it came crashing back down , a little lower than the first smack . I cried out again , trying to wiggle away from him , but he just tightened his grip and landed four smacks one after another . I clenched my fists and attempted to move and keep him from hitting the same spots , but it didn 't work . All was futile . He landed more smacks , hitting my bottom in rhythm as he had done for Teresa . The pain was almost unbearable . I winced after each spank , by this time , not crying out as loudly , mostly to keep my dignity . After all , I WAS 16 … The spanks kept comming rapidly . He would stay in one spot for a few smacks , then move a little and concentrate in that area . After a while of doing that , he concentrated on ONLY the sitspots and when he began that I was bobbing up and down and crying out loudly again , basically telling myself " screw dignity ! " He began spanking me faster , not allowing me time to breath between each one like he had been doing before . I started kicking frantically , legs and arms flailing , hoping that it would help some of the sting go away . It didn 't . I finally gave up on trying to remain quiet or keep my dignity , and began bawling like a baby over his knee . It hurt so much . He wasn 't showing any mercy whatsoever . I was crying so loudly and begging him to stop , apologizing every breath I could take , but he just kept on spanking me . I finally lay limply over his lap and sobbed away , exhausted from the spanking , and he knew that I was broken , because he picked my limp body up and held me in his arms , rocking me back and forth , letting me cry into his chest . I stayed like that for what seemed like a long time , allowing myself to cry and be held . I wasn 't held often , and it was a nice feeling , actually seeing someone care about me for once . And I understood exactly WHY he did what he did . . not to be mean , but because he really did care about me . That 's what good fathers did … they cared , unlike my dad who spent more money on alcohol than he would ever THINK about spending on me . " I love you girls , " he said . He hugged us both then tucked us into bed , both of us on our stomach and all . He turned out the light and left the room , I still sobbing , although by this time , Teresa had regained her composure . I let out a tiny giggle . " Kind of ? ? " I knew she was grinning . " Hey , I 'm sorry for talking you into sneaking out … I realize now why you didn 't want to do it . " I fell into a dreamless sleep that night , shortly after lying there , rubbing my bum for a few minutes . I wondered if all the other kids were up , listening in at the doorway while it happened . Siblings had a tendency to do that … listen to others get into trouble , sometimes they even made fun of them . If they heard , I never found out , because nobody ever said anything about it . I had a hard time sitting at breakfast that morning , but nobody questioned why . I wondered if Teresa was in as much pain as me … Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
August came and went . The triathlon was a lot of fun , and I 'm looking forward to doing that again in the future . Since August arrived , Zach and I have both been working full time . Let 's just say that life is in constant motion . My blogging time was cut and replaced with packing lunches , which reminds me , I 'm blogging now and should be making lunches for tomorrow . Brooks also had his first trip to the emergency room that month . This was our first experience with once of the kids having to go to the ER . I guess with a combined total of 9 years and 4 months of parenting , that isn 't too bad ! Late one evening Brooks came down with croup . Within 15 minutes of the incident we had talked to the on - call doctor , and obviously he needed help . The ER staff was very , very good , and they helped him quickly . I wish it was me and not Brooks . His main fear was getting a shot , and I 'm glad the staff reassured him that isn 't what they were going to do . Within minutes , the croup was getting better , and an hour or so later we were back at home . The kids started back to school and the transition did not go as smoothly as I had hoped . They were used to spending so much time with Zach over the summer and I learned that Adlyn is a Daddy 's girl . I think she had the roughest time of all . For two months , I struggled with her crying every time I took her to school . At first it was just a cry of sadness . I felt horrible for her . It was also her first time being in her own classroom , apart from Brooks . Brooks embraced that transition , and thrived . Adlyn regressed and struggled . Of course , I wondered if I had made the right choice , if maybe I should just put them in the same classroom . But , she still cried when I took her to her other school where she is in the same classroom as Brooks . After a few weeks , the cry changed . It went from sadness to terror . She was terrified to go to school , she didn 't feel safe , and was freaked out by the intruder drills / lock down drills . It was a real fear , perhaps her imagination was more wild this year . I felt like I tried a lot of different solutions to help ease the situation , but it just took time . One day , I finally sent a note to the school , asking if she could meet with a psychologist . I was at my wits end . Then , magically , the next day , she was fine . ( I should have sent the note a month before ! ) Now , she is doing well ! The month of September I worked nearly every night to prepare a TEDx Talk for a conference at my work . The best time to work on it was after 10 PM when everything was quiet . After many revisions and edits , it finally came together . It was an amazing process to work through , and I 'm glad I did it . It should be posted on YouTube soon . Once it is up , I 'll post it here . The event was held in early October , and the theater had a huge crowd ! It was a well attended event , with about 400 + people . Amazing ! The dress rehearsal went horrible for me , and I 'm glad that I was able to pull it off that evening . Zach and my co - workers were amazing supporters through this process ! I really wish I could make some more time to blog , but my job started to consume my life and thoughts . For awhile , I viewed blogging as work , and didn 't see it as a stress reliever or a way to spend my free time . I picked up Angry Birds , a mindless activity to occupy my sporadic moments of free time late at night ! Zach would say I 'm an addict , and I think he is far from it . But , after about two weeks of only working on one level , I finally did get three stars on Angry Birds Rio Beach Volley Level 11 , with a score of 119 , 000 + . ( I 'm still not sure what I accomplished from achieving that , other than the fact that I can post it here ! ) From what I can gather on the internet , it is the most difficult level of Angry Birds Rio . In November , the kids were sick on and off , and the tree went up before Thanksgiving for the first time in our family . I figured that if it didn 't get done before , it wasn 't going to happen . We spent Thanksgiving in Nebraska and took the kids goose hunting for the first time . The next weekend we spent three days working art shows , and now this weekend - the kids turn 5 . Ugh , where has time gone ? It was five years ago today that we were life - flighted to Denver before the kids were born . Seems like yesterday , and the details of that day seem very vivid . Now , I have two nearly five - year - olds who decorated the cupcakes on their own for the special day at preschool tomorrow . They play wrestle - mania with their " Love " . We are nearly done with the first book of Harry Potter . They want me to stay in the truck when I pick them up from school because they insist that they can come out all on their own . I 'm not sure where by ' babies ' have gone , but they are certainly full of life , curiosity , and laughter . Adlyn had been looking forward to the bike race in August for weeks ! She had to race in the 5 - 6 year old division , since they didn 't have a race for 4 and under . She had been determined to win this race ! She had a mint chocolate Clif Bar that she ate between all of her races to keep up her energy . She was very serious and focused ! What a goofy kid . She makes me smile ! They started preschool , and transitioned fairly well . Adlyn had a few tears on the first day , but Brooks went right in . The next morning , Adlyn threw up as we were leaving the house . Great , but all was ok . I think she was just nervous . By day three , they were great ! As we were walking down Main Street the other day , Brooks asked me to make him a monster truck costume for Halloween . Then , he wanted me to make Adlyn a smashed car costume so he could run her over . Adlyn was not excited about that , she wants to be an owl instead . Brooks asked me if I could wear a smashed car costume instead ! I know , it has been forever since I posted anything . It has been a busy summer , and I couldn 't keep up ! Now , I need to get caught up ! I had the following phrase from Charlie Brown and Snoopy stuck in my head , " She is so pretty , she just sort of sparkles . " I said it out loud when I was putting Brooks to bed . He was being funny , and responded with , " I never will sparkle . " He thought that was a pretty good joke ! For fireworks this week , Adlyn really wanted fireworks that shot out spaghetti . After a few more hours , she wanted it to shoot out funghetti . She really meant confetti , but it was funny to hear her call it something else . We got her some party poppers , and that is exactly what she was looking for ! Last weekend , we did Tough Mudder Colorado at Beaver Creek Ski Resort . This was our second Tough Mudder , and I 'll be signing up to do two more in 2014 . Last fall , Zach and I did Tough Mudder Utah . To read my blog post from the last event , click here . This year , we expanded from a team of two to a team of five . I really enjoyed having a bigger team . If you don 't know what a Tough Mudder is , watch this video . ( If the sound isn 't working , visit the www . toughmudder . com website , and view the video on the home page . ) The man who starts the race is Sean Corvelle . The energy you feel in the video is exactly what this man creates in a matter of ten minutes when you are waiting for your wave to start . I like his quote , " You might have run a marathon , a triathlon , let me tell you all something , this ain 't that . " 2013 Tough Mudder Colorado Team : Anne & Zach from Wyoming , James & Megan from Nebraska , and Scott from Wyoming This year , we had a greater purpose . We carried a Wounded Warrior Project flag in honor of Cpl . David M . Sonka , USMC , from Parker , Colorado . He was killed in action while serving in Afghanistan in May 2013 , along with his K - 9 , Flex , and a fellow Marine . David 's mother , Donna , took care of our twins , Brooks and Adlyn , while they were in the NICU in Colorado when they were born . We got to know Donna as she took excellent care of our children on every one of her night shifts . I will be sending her the flag this week so that she can have it in honor of her son . We shared David 's story with so many people along the course . Course : Above is a photo of the course . The course was 11 miles long this year , and as you can see , the route snakes through the ski resort . I felt like we were going up hill about 90 % of the time . I 'm still not for sure when we ever really came down the mountain ! The venue was excellent and was great for spectators . The kids enjoyed riding the ski lifts with all of the relatives during the event . Start : We were a little late getting to the starting corral . I 'm not for sure why , I think they were about ten minutes ahead of schedule . Either way , they let us squeeze in towards the back . Sean Corvelle was there to start the event , and he did a great job . We got to give him a high - five as we ran past him . Trying to run out of the start corral was difficult . There were a lot of people , and the pathway was narrow . We did a lot of walking / running until the people spread out . Obstacle 1 - Kiss of Mud : The first obstacle we encountered was Kiss of Mud . You simply crawl under the barbwire , in the mud . Zach and I went to a lane towards the middle so we could get some mud . It was more like sharp rocks , but I guess that is why they call them the Rocky Mountains . Utah was very , very muddy . In general , Colorado was dry , and rocky . Other than snagging my hair in the barbwire towards the beginning , we all completed the task without any issues . We ( I really mean four of our five team members ) continued our speed hike to the next obstacle . The terrain at this TM was intense ! On the uphills , I think James on our team was the only one who was actually running . James would run up , and back down to check on us , and back up again . At one point during the event on one of the trail sections , the guy in front of me said some comment about that guy who keeps running up and down . I told him , yeah , he 's on our team . It would have been great if he could have given us an ounce of his running power ! Obstacle 2 - Electric Eel : We came up on this obstacle without any warning , which was probably a good thing . The more you think about getting zapped , the worse it is to force yourself to get zapped . These electric wires dangle over a water pit that you have to crawl through . The water was freezing cold . I got out of that obstacle , and I 'm not even for sure if I got shocked . I think I was more shocked by the cold water that I didn 't even notice that I was getting zapped . As I went through the course last weekend , I think I 've pin - pointed my weakness - cold water . Ugh . The thought of it freaks me out . Last year , a lot of the obstacles had that freezing cold water , and it was so cold , you couldn 't take a breath . I 'd rather get zapped , climb Everest , crawl through trench warfare , anything , than go into that cold water . Obstacle 3 - Glory Blades : This obstacle was new from last year . It is essentially like Berlin Walls , but the are tilted towards you . I have to say I liked it ! Plus , there was Masonite on the back side , so you could just slide down . Of course , I needed Zach 's help to boost me up , but overall , it was easy - cheesy , as my kids would say ! Obstacle 4 - Wounded Warrior Carry : We also had this obstacle last year . This year , it was really nice that they had a man there to actually show you how to carry a wounded warrior . It was a really nice touch , and I hope TM does this at all of their events now . I 'd say you have to carry a person about 20 yards , and then you switch . Last year , Zach carried me all but about two steps . This year , I carried Zach and then we switched ! Of course , I couldn 't carry him the proper way , but I did it ! I was very excited about that . I mark this as progress from last fall . Obstacle 5 - Funky Monkey : Everyone on our team made it across , except me . I was especially impressed by Megan 's strength on this obstacle ! This girl rocked the course ! I had been practicing monkey bars at the park , and I had really hoped to get across them this year . Last year I just jumped in the water . The bars were all twisty this year , and I really didn 't want to fall into the water part - way through . So , after debating it for awhile , I just jumped in the water and went to the other side . Way to go team ! I was really excited to seem them all do this , especially Megan . I haven 't seen too many girls accomplish this task . Obstacle 6 - The Gauntlet : I don 't think we actually had this obstacle . Instead , during this part , we had these piles of snow that we had to climb up , and get down . This snow felt more like a sand - snow mix . You wouldn 't think it would be bad , but it was . This obstacle beat me up in the worse way possible ! It was more like ice , and sometimes you get going down so fast that you fall , and slide on your butt , and there isn 't anything to stop you . The sides of my hips were really scraped up from this , and it looked like they had road rash . By that evening , it was really swollen , then , it bruised horribly . A week later , and the scrapes are still healing ! As we approached this snow obstacle , the inserts in my shoes kept wrinkling up . Luckily , Zach 's step - dad was there , so I took of my shoes and handed him the liners . I didn 't have any shoe problems after that ! Obstacle 7 - Arctic Enema : We came up on this obstacle without much warning . I wasn 't looking forward to it . Last year , I jumped in , and climbed over the barrier , and back into the ice . I had intentions of doing the same thing this year . Everyone else jumped in and dove under . I didn 't , couldn 't . Did I mention how much I dislike cold water ? Zach came back and tried convincing me to jump in . He actually did it again . I 'll say he did it for me , or maybe he just really liked that obstacle ? I 'm not for sure . Either way , the flag went with him both times . I went around , I didn 't want to waste any more time thinking about it . Looking back , I should have just jumped in . I don 't know if it is worse , or better , to face that obstacle a second time . On our way to the next obstacle , we passed two guys were competed in the World 's Toughest Mudder . They were wearing their WTM bibs , and were carrying a tire through the course . Wow . Impressive . Way to go guys ! Obstacle 8 - Hold Your Wood : I think we actually did the underwater tunnels next , but the map says this was the order . I 'm not really for sure , now that I look back ! Either way , this obstacle was easy . It was even easier than last year . The logs were small , and the path to carry the logs was quite short . In Utah , the path was really far , the logs were larger , and we had to walk past these dead animals that were really stinky . We all completed this without any issues . Obstacle 9 - Underwater Tunnels : These tunnels were placed in a pond . The water was . . . you guessed it , freezing ! Megan and I walked up to the tunnels , and then decided to take the Walk of Shame around the obstacle . I was sick of being in cold water . The guys on our team all completed this task . They told us that the pond had a lot of sharp rocks in it , and when you dove under , you had to navigate around the rocks and boulders . After hearing that , I was glad I didn 't do it . I think a few team members got some cuts from these rocks . Obstacle 10 - Lumberjacked : These logs were fairly high , but Zach simply gave me a boost and I made it over the obstacles without any problems . The team did very good here as well . Obstacle 11 - Ladder to Hell : I liked this obstacle . It was easy , and I could do it by myself . Always a plus ! Being tall helped , it made it a lot easier to reach the rungs . The team did great on this one ! After this obstacle , we continued on a trail run for a good distance that was absolutely beautiful . The trees were pretty and the river along the trail was flowing swiftly . We were even running slightly downhill , so all the better ! Then , we got to the end of the trees and the route made a 90 degree turn to the left . What did we see in front of us ? A huge incline that was steeper than anything we had faced thus far ! Everyone around us seemed to stop , and look at each other . Seriously ? This route is straight up ! Megan and I did some speed hiking to the top . It seemed un - runnable to me , except for James . Scott and Zach were up ahead of us , and they waited for us at the top . At the top of the hill , we faced our next obstacle . Obstacle 12 - Boa Constrictor : We had this obstacle last year , and there was water at the end of the tube . The water was cold , but overall , this obstacle was pretty simple . I think everyone had a good time with this one . When we exited this obstacle , we ran down the huge hillside we just hiked up . I was glad the uphill hike over ! Obstacle 13 - Berlin Walls : At the bottom of the hillside , we faced the Berlin Walls . We worked together and got it done . It wasn 't too bad . We had this obstacle last year , and it was just as I had remembered . Obstacle 14 - Just the Tip : We continued to run down the hill and then we came up on this obstacle . This was in Utah last year , and I just jumped in the cold water . This year , I did it ! ( It helped that the wooden board to grip was much bigger than it was in Utah last year . Last year , the board got really skinny in the middle , like a 2x1 strip of lumber ! ) It was scary , but it felt like a great accomplishment ! The obstacle is simply walls made out of plywood with a wood strip across it that you hang on to with your fingertips , and shimmy along . If you fall , you plunge into , what I 'm guessing is , cold water ! The guys made it across , and then I went next . Megan gave me some great encouragement ! About half way across , I just started to close my eyes . I couldn 't look . That water seemed like a long way down . I really didn 't want to fall in . So , I kept going and eventually Zach could reach out a hand to relieve some weight by holding on to my foot . That was very , very helpful , and I really appreciated that ! I was so happy to make it across ! Megan went next and she did great . I offered her some assistance at the end , just as Zach did for me . Completing that one obstacle was the best part of the event for me . We continued to run a fairly long distance until we reached out next obstacle . For the most part , it was downhill . We ran through a mister ( snow maker ) during this stretch . At about this point , I was about ready to be done . I was getting a little bit light headed , and was in need of somFacebook Post by Travis MacCody Strong : Thank you all for all the comments ! It is my goal to inspire people and to so everyone that there are no limits in life . If you have the heart you can accomplish anything ! I want to thank all the wounded soldiers that ran the course with me and helped me finish the race . I could not have done it without them ! This moment was truly inspiring . This is what Tough Mudder is all about . What was even more amazing was that he would even jump out of his wheel chair , and traverse the route on his fists . He must be so strong , and I wish I could have seen him complete the obstacles . This is why we run Tough Mudder . This is what makes me thankful everyday that I am able , and that I do this because there are others who can 't . We carried the Wounded Warrior flag for David , who couldn 't do the event that day . Obstacle 15 - Kiss of Mud # 2 : Here , we had Kiss of Mud again . A gal up ahead of us was using a rolling technique . I gave it a try , and I liked it ! It prevented you from getting scraped by all the rocks in the mud . I yelled up ahead to Megan and she gave it a try as well . Zach was right behind me , carrying the flag . All of our relatives were at this obstacle , so we stopped to take a photo before we continued on . Obstacle 16 - Walk the Plank : If you read my blog post from last time , you 'll know that I climbed to the top of this obstacle in Utah and then backed down . I really wanted to complete this obstacle this year . But , I got to it , and walked around . Everyone else went up , and jumped in . I really need to do some practicing so that I can complete this obstacle at some point in my life . Perhaps I need to ask the pool workers if I can go off the high dive ! I 'm so proud of my team for completing this obstacle ! Megan did jump in , but I don 't have a picture of her doing it . Zach is working on editing the video for the event that Ava captured for us . I 'll post that video clip when it is ready . Obstacle 17 - Hangin Tough : I was really excited to see that this obstacle was going to be in Colorado . We didn 't have this last year . I was looking forward to completing this one , as I thought that I could . Rings one and two were fairly close together , but it was a long reach to get to the third ring . I tried , and then came back , and just jumped in the water . Most of the guys made it across . Next time , I really want to complete the monkey bars and the rings . It was just a short run over to the next obstacle . Obstacle 19 - Everest : I loved this obstacle last year . I think it was easier this year , perhaps the pipe was less muddy this year . I made it up on the first try , and so did everyone else . Next year , my goal is to make it up all by myself . Zach and James each grabbed my hand and pulled me up ( and dropped me onto the edge on my stomach and slightly knocked the wind out of me ) . I didn 't care at that point ! I really like this obstacle . James makes it up on his own . Obstacle 20 - Electroshock Therapy : I had previewed this obstacle prior to us starting . I wasn 't noticing anyone blacking out , so that was a plus . Last year , Zach and I both blacked out . We took a team approach this year . They had an announcer there to encourage people to run through . We linked arms and ran through as a team on the count of three . If the announcer wasn 't counting , I 'm not for sure we would have all gotten up the nerve at the same time ! The shocks were constant in my arms , but it wasn 't horrible . It was just getting unbearable the last few feet . The team fell apart towards the end , but I didn 't end up in the mud ! I was happy to be done with that . Like I said , I 'd rather get shocked then go into that cold water . Our team links arms before we go ! This picture makes me laugh . I feel like we are all going a different direction ! We just got done getting shocked , and I think we are all in shock , trying to re - gather ourselves . DONE ! Finish : It was a short run to the finish line , and we finished as a team . What a great feeling ! We were done . We took some team pictures , talked to the other finishers , and enjoyed our orange headbands ! It took us four hours to complete . It was a little cold at this point , but we still hosed off in the outdoor showers . Zach and James did the Under Armor Man of Steel competition , Scott had already completed it . It was pretty fun to watch , and Zach was less than a second from making it on to the leader board ! I think he would have been on it if he completed the challenge before doing a Tough Mudder . Then , we went to find our family , who were playing mini - golf . We hung out for a short while , and then we loaded on to the bus to go back to the parking lot . What a great day . Colorado was beautiful . Evening : After we headed back to the house , we all enjoyed a nice dinner . We sat in the hot tub , and it was needed ! I think I sat in there for two hours . Unfortunately , I couldn 't sleep that night . My body was sore and I couldn 't get comfortable . After playing on the iPad for a few hours , I went to bed at 5 : 30 AM , and woke up at 7 AM . I wasn 't well rested the next day . Looking Back : Overall , I 'm happy about the event . I was honored to carry the flag in honor of David . I had a lot of fun spending time with Zach , Megan , James , and Scott . I liked working with the team . I was really happy with two things that I didn 't do the previous year - carrying Zach in the Wounded Warrior carry and making it across Just the Tip . I 'm not proud of not attempting Arctic Enema and Walk the Plank . Goals for 2014 : My goal for TM for 2014 is to complete Everest without assistance . I also want to make it across the monkey bars and the rings . Lastly , I want to walk the plank . Training for 2013 : To train , I spent several months running about three days a week , and lifting weights about two days a week . I thought this was sufficient for me . Although I spent a lot of time running hills , it didn 't compare to the hills we encountered in this event . I can 't wait to experience something like this with our kids one day . Brooks and Adlyn both say they want to do a mud race . I like making them proud ! Prior to the event , I asked them what they wanted to see . Brooks wanted to watch us run up Everest ( he remember that from last fall ) , it is his favorite obstacle . Adlyn said she wanted to see me get my orange headband . Team - thanks for all of the positive support and great memories ! I can 't wait to do two more with you guys next year . Thanks to all of the family that came to watch and took care of the kids while we were doing the event . Zach - thanks for all of your help an encouragement . I love tackling these challenges with you . I couldn 't have done it without you ! On our way to Colorado last week , there were a lot of light blue colored flowers everywhere ! Unlike in our area - all of the yellow flowers are in bloom . Of course , the kids asked me what kind of flowers they were . By no means am I a gardener , or a horticulturist , so I wasn 't for sure . The only bluish colored flower that I could think of was a Forget - Me - Not . They thought that was a pretty funny name for a flower . Brooks said , " If you fall down in those flowers , will it make you forget your name ? " He laughed , and said , " Do you like me joke ? " He thought he was pretty funny , and he was ! I thought that was pretty creative for a kid ! Last week , we stayed in a house that resembled a cabin . It was beautiful inside ! While we were there , Brooks told me , " It is really woody in here ! " And , it was . Everything was made out of logs and wood ! A & B have done something this week , twice , that they haven 't ever done before ! Two days in a row this week , they decided to match their clothes , all by themselves . One day I came home and they both had orange shorts on , with a blue shirt with stripes . I was surprised they found something in each of their wardrobes that matched ! The next day , they each wore blue shorts with a blue shirt . Pretty clever . Posted by Last night , Adlyn and I ventured into the rain to pick up a graduation card . As I was card shopping at the grocery store , she was looking at all the stuffed animals - primarily these dogs with unusually large eyes that I find not - so - cute . She loved them . She put them away when we were done , and I told her that I 'm sure she could see them the next time . Tonight we were back at the store , in the rain , and she wanted to visit the dogs . Once we got to the gift area , she said , " I told you so ! " She was right , there were only two dogs left , and neither of them were the colors of the ones she was playing with the night before . I wouldn 't have guessed the store could sell one of those , let alone the whole shelf ! Maybe a bunch of graduates received stuffed dogs as presents ? It hadn 't even been 24 hours ! Tonight at the grocery store , Adlyn was calling aisles , alleys . It made me laugh . I also enjoyed watching her dance to the good music that was playing in the store when we were in the produce department . She was a fun shopping partner ! Brooks ' tooth is now gone , and tonight he told me he has started eating some soft food with his front teeth . He survived the dentist very well , and didn 't cry . He didn 't even need any laughing gas ! The dentist said he was very brave for a four year old . We were very proud of him ! He seems to be proud of his missing tooth , and he does look cuter than I thought . On the way to school today , he told me that the next time he needs a tooth pulled at the dentist , I can come with him instead do Dad . I hope that doesn 't happen again ! But , if he does , I 'll know that he can handle it ( better than I would ! ) . Last week , Adlyn asked me if I did any painting projects with my students at school that day . I told her no . She commented that all we do is work on computers ! In her mind , my school is quite boring ! Tonight , Brooks said pear is the Spanish word for kiwi . Adlyn said that trace is the Spanish word for popcorn and chicken . I think they are making up their own language ! This morning , Adlyn was trying to snap on a suspender dress on her stuffed kitty . She was having a hard time getting it to work . It was fun to observe the following situation ! The kids make up their own Spanish words . Brooks will say , " Kinder is how you say Kindergarten in Spanish . " Or , they make up some non - sense word and come up with a Spanish translation . Tonight , I was reading the kids " Pete the Cat , Rocking in my School Shoes " . I made up a part at the end about Pete going to the dentist to get his tooth taken out . I said , " Does Pete worry ? " Brooks said , " Goodness , yes ! " We all laughed ! The books always responds with a , " Goodness , no ! " Last night , when Brooks should have been sleeping , he found some books that he hasn 't read in a long time . He asked me if I would read him the stories . I told him that I would in the morning . He said , " Read the book as soon as you wake up . Don 't wash any dishes or talk to anyone on the phone , just read the book . " Ok , sir ! It wasn 't fun for me to hear him summarize what I do ! I really don 't talk on the phone very much , so I 'm not for sure why he said that . And , there is nothing I dread more than washing dishes . I 'd pick reading him a book over doing the dishes any day of the week . Zach and the kids were outside one evening this week . Zach went to help Brooks with his tricycle that he had placed on top of skis in the last remaining snow patch in the yard . In the meantime , Adlyn walked up to Neighbor Jerry by the fence and said , " How have your two dogs been doing ? " Jerry thought it was very funny of her to be having such a grown up conversation , and told Zach all about it . Last night when we were out riding bikes , Adlyn saw the pizza delivery man taking a pizza up to a house . As she was riding , she said , " Hi Pizza Guy . " Luckily , he didn 't hear her ! The kids have enjoyed the snow , and we even got a snow day this month ! The kids have been great at helping shovel . We have also been lucky that our neighbor has come over to help us dig out . On the snow day , we shoveled for about 2 1 / 2 hours , and didn 't get a start to the back driveway . Every day , the kids are very eager to ride their bikes . It doesn 't matter if it is snowing or raining , they want to ride their bikes . Zach has been doing great at taking them for a long ride , nearly every day . Posted by The kids joined me during a 5K run this past weekend in town . The run was a fundraiser for the Make - a - Wish Foundation , and also served as a Boston remembrance run . There was an excellent turnout for the event . I pushed A & B in the stroller , and several times they hopped out to run along with me . We finished in 32 minutes . I 'm pretty confident that Brooks ran the last half mile . Adlyn conserved her energy by riding in the stroller , but , hopped out at the very end to sprint and beat Brooks and I . As soon as we finished , she said , " Did we win ? " Well , we didn 't , but we had a lot of fun and it was a perfect morning and a great course . I look forward to running with them again in the future . The kids went to their first birthday party this month at the children 's museum . They had a great time and had a lot of fun making birthday cards for the birthday girl before the party . I think the party made Mr . B tired . By 6 PM , he went to bed and didn 't wake up until the next morning . Adlyn was excited to wear her tutu to the party . I was glad the girl 's mom allowed me to stay and help out . I don 't think A & B would have stayed without me there . Posted by A few weeks ago , Brooks requested their fishing poles from their boat to be used on the loft . Zach made them a paperclip hook so they could catch their toys with their poles . It was fun to watch Brooks and Adlyn work together to climb down and hook up a toy , and reel it in . If it was a heavy item , they would both place their hooks on the item and reel it up with teamwork . It still makes me sick to my stomach . Zach handled the ordeal and took Brooks to the dentist . Poor kid , I feel so bad for him . The dentist is recommending we get it pulled , but wants to wait a week for the swelling to go down to make a decision . His lips are quite swollen , and he has a lot of scrapes on his face . I haven 't been able to get a close look at his tooth , but it doesn 't look great . Zach said it is loose and wiggly . I really hope we don 't have to get it pulled . I don 't want to put him through it . The little guy looks so sad . I know he doesn 't want anything to happen to his tooth , and Zach said he started to cry when the dentist recommended that they pull it . Adlyn also feels bad for Brooks . We 'll see how the next few days go . In the tub , Adlyn always sits on the right , Brooks sits on the left . Then , one evening , Brooks decided to switch it up . Adlyn agreed , hesitantly . Then , that night , Brooks swapped sides of the bed with Adlyn . They haven 't switched back yet ! Now , Brooks is on the right and Adlyn is on the left . So much for my nice clean boat that was just waxed and all the carpet shampooed . . . Kids never once complained , and before we knew it nine hours on the lake had past . If I got so much as a bite the kids would have the net in the water , ready to go . Brooks reeled one all the way up from 70 ' all by himself . Took a couple beach stops so the kids could play , get good and muddy , and throw crackers to the " eagles " ( seagulls ) . They both fell asleep on the ride back to the ramp , and Brooks never woke up until 7 : 00 this morning . No monsters , just monster fun . Zach and the kids were out riding bikes today . They were approaching a man who was walking his large standard poodle . Judging by the mannerisms of the man and the poodle , he was obviously very proud of his purebred . ( By now , they are next to the man and his dog . By the expression on his face , the man obviously didn 't see the humor in the situation . Now , they are just past the man . ) The kids devoured their lime marinated flank steak with grilled asparagus after they dipped their bread in olive oil and vinegar . They wrapped it up with a chocolate sundae . Adlyn critiqued the art on the wall , and claimed she isn 't going to be an artist when she grows up , she is going to be a football player . It makes me laugh that they have sophisticated tastes when it comes to food - no chicken nuggets for these guys ! Here are just some random pictures from this month when the kids were going to school . I just thought they both looked so grown up ! I think Adlyn looks like she is about 12 ! There really isn 't anything little about four years old . The best part is they are enjoying buckling themselves into their car seats . It can 't get much better than that . What a time saver ! Not to mention , the responsibility that comes with being four has been wonderful . The other day , their toy room was a disaster when I came home from work . I told them we needed to clean it up . Brooks said he would clean up all of the cars because he was the one who dumped them up so he should clean that part , with no help . I won 't argue with that . Adlyn followed by saying she would clean all of the Little People animals since she played with them . Bus load by bus load , she filled it up with animals and drove them to the proper container . Age four has been a lot of fun thus far . For two weekends in a row , we took the kids out ice fishing . We didn 't catch anything either time , but we had fun trying . Obviously on week two , the fishing was really slow , and the snow was deep . We had fun making ice fishing snowmen ! |
Amano was of average height and average build . He appeared to be somewhere in his thirties . His hair was short and neat , his off - the - rack suit of a conservative cut . The best word to describe him was " nondescript " . It was an image he had worked hard to cultivate . If there was anything remarkable about him , it was his eyes . They never appeared to be in focus , and were slow to move from point to point . But very little got by those eyes . Right now the eyes were focused on the back of a chair . The chair was behind a large , well - polished desk . Amano admired the desk very much . He was certain that he had the talent to eventually sit behind one . It would take years , perhaps decades , before he would . But he could wait . Amano was a patient , loyal man . He 'd seen what had happened to those who weren 't . An almost - insulting question ; Amano had a well - deserved reputation for accuracy , and for not making assumptions . Still , given the circumstances , Amano could understand the disbelief . " Yes . Absolutely certain . " He was met outside by his associate . The man was tall , slim , with long hair that flowed down his back . The trenchcoat he always wore was almost stereotypical , but Amano respected what was hidden beneath that coat . They had worked together for years , and Amano still didn 't know his name . Amano walked down the corridor . The tall man stalked slightly behind him . Amano allowed a tinge of doubt into his voice . " Are you up to this ? This one will be a challenge unlike any you 've ever met . " This didn 't sound good . The last thing Amano needed was succumbing to overconfidence . Too many others had already made that same mistake . " He is more than just a boy , " he said blandly . The tall man waited a moment to respond . " You are right . He might have been a challenge when his talents were hidden . But he was foolish , and overused them . Now we know his weapons . As long as we are careful , he will be overcome . " " Very well . " A car door was being held open for him . He climbed in . The tall man walked once around the car before opening the door opposite and entering . Amano settled back as the car pulled away . " Unfortunate , really , " he mused . " If we could only have discovered this ESP of his earlier . He might have been of help . " Kasuga Kyosuke woke to the sound of water running in the shower . He immediately smiled , knowing what form the water was running over . He could trace the image from memory . He yawned and sat up on the edge of the bed . He blinked around at his bedroom . His home for the past four years was slowly being disassembled . Boxes were packed , stacked , and labeled . The studio apartment was mostly bare , and the sounds of the running water echoed strangely through it . He was now down to the bare essentials , and those would be packed up in three days . Too full of adrenaline to sit still , he stood up and started pacing . Not that there was a lot of room to pace ; the apartment was very small . Even when he 'd been looking for a place of his own , he 'd done so with the full knowledge that all he really needed was a kind of staging area between his life with his father and sisters , and the life that was to come in three days . He turned , slightly startled . He 'd been so caught up in his own tension that he 'd failed to notice that the shower had stopped . Standing in the bathroom doorway was the half - clothed figure of Ayukawa Madoka . Her smile was full of humor , her eyes full of understanding . She laughed . " It doesn 't take telepathy to read your thoughts , Kasuga - kun . " She walked over to the bed , bent to the floor , grabbed the rest of her clothes , and began to put them on . He kissed her back , breathing in her fragrance . Ten years he had known her , and the smell of her still intoxicated him . He hugged her more tightly , deepening the kiss . She pushed him away after a moment . " You are brave today , " she said teasingly . " One would almost think you 'd forgotten about the fact that we 're getting married in three days . " " Urk . " His stomach flip - flopped . " You had to remind me . " He tried a smile . " Now you have to make me forget again . " He began to draw her in . Madoka pushed him back again . " Kyosuke , I don 't have much time before I have to leave for the airport . There 's something I need to tell you . I was going to tell you last night , but I was too busy distracting you then as well . " " Yes , yes , you keep mentioning that . " She flipped her hair over her shoulder . " One might think that 's the only reason you 're marrying me . " " Kyosuke ! " She dragged his name out in shock and dismay . She stepped outside his arms and turned her back to him . " Is that what you think of me ? " Pure panic gripped him . " Madoka , no ! " He put a hand on her shoulder . " I 'm sorry . I - I was just teasing . There 's . . . oh Madoka , I can 't begin to say how many different ways I love you , I 'm . . . " This touched on something that had disturbed Kyosuke for a long time . He was closer to Madoka than anyone else was , yet there were still things she kept secret from him . It shouldn 't be that way , he thought . He should be able to help her with things that bothered her . But all too often when she had a problem , she dealt with it by herself , without asking him - or anyone - for help . Kyosuke was bothered by that - part of getting married meant that they dealt with problems together . She shouldn 't be keeping things from him . And yet , now as always , he failed to generate sufficient courage to bring up the subject . Madoka was intensely private , and the fact that she had allowed him into her life was enough of a blessing . He kept hoping that time would allow her to open more of herself up to him . It had worked , to an extent . Yet there were still walls she hid behind . Hopefully the marriage would break the last of them down . " I know you were looking forward to seeing her , " Madoka said softly . " She knew that too . She kept begging for our forgiveness in her letter . She 's got to prepare for an audition , she said , and she 's too busy to come back to Japan . " " Hikaru - chan . " She 'd tried so hard to stay friends with them . After that painful revelation during his last year in high school , he and Hikaru and Madoka had maintained a facade of friendship . But there had been too much pain behind Hikaru 's over - cheerfulness . Too often her eyes had flicked back and forth between Madoka and Kyosuke . With Madoka and Kyosuke in college , and Hikaru concentrating more and more on her dancing , it had become easy for them not to spend a lot of time together . When Hikaru had gotten the chance to study in New York , she 'd taken it with alacrity . They 'd spent one last dinner together at Madoka 's house . The evening had been pleasant , full of lively conversation and funny reminiscences . But the atmosphere had been bittersweet , and Kyosuke had sensed that Hikaru was relieved when the evening had come to an end . She 'd left Japan five years ago , and he hadn 't seen her since . " Kyosuke . " Madoka sounded serious now . " She is doing okay . She 's got a good life in New York . She loves dancing , and she 's good enough and lucky enough to make a living out of it . I think that . . . that she 's put this part of her life behind her and wants to focus exclusively on her new life . " " But it 's just for one day . " Kyosuke clamped his mouth shut before he could whine some more . He knew that he was acting a bit selfishly . Of course , Madoka was there to point it out , too . " And what a day it is , eh ? To see the man she fell madly in love with marry someone else . To see the union of two people who hid the secret of their relationship from her for so long , until it was guaranteed to devastate her when it was revealed . I don 't know , Kyosuke . Avoiding that pain just might be more important to her than making sure you feel good about yourself . " " I know , Kyosuke . " Madoka glared at him . " I know . We all do . Don 't you think I haven 't lived with that guilt , too ? But this isn 't about us . It 's about Hikaru . She had to be the one who decides when she 's ready to let us be her friends again . And that might never happen . " Kyosuke opened his eyes and raised his head . " But dammit , if I hadn 't used the Power , she would have known years before . And . . . and maybe . . . " Puzzlement settled onto Madoka 's face . " What ? What did you do ? Do you mean that teleportation trick you used to date both of us at once ? " " No . " He swallowed , the pain still almost overwhelming . " One Christmas , back in high school . I . . . I took you to a Christmas party . And . . . Hikaru saw us there . And she knew . She knew about us . " " And . . . and I couldn 't stand to see her in such pain . " Kyosuke 's voice cracked . He paused a second , then continued . " So I went back . I started the day over , and I took both of you to the party . And . . . and you were both happy . I thought I 'd done the right thing . But . . . but maybe . . . maybe the pain she felt then would have been less than the pain she felt later when she did find out . " Madoka 's eyes were wide . " You did that ? You used your Power to . . . to . . . " Her face was darkening . " Three days before we get married , and I 'm just now finding out about this ? " " M - Madoka ! " For some reason , it had never occurred to him that Madoka would get angry . " I . . . I wish I hadn 't - " " Not in your underwear you won 't . Unless you want to go back in time and get dressed . " She shot a look at him , then opened the door and stalked through it , closing it firmly behind her . Kyosuke sat back down on the bed . Well , this day had gotten off to a good start . That was the last he would see of her before the wedding - she was flying to Seattle to meet her parents . She 'd spend a couple of days with them before they all came back to Japan together . And rather than part on good terms , full of expectations for the wedding to come , Madoka 's final words to him had been angry ones . He was angry , too . Madoka was being a little unfair - it wasn 't like she didn 't have her little secrets , too . Where 'd she get off judging him like that ? He left school , wondering why he bothered . It was such a waste of his time . He had other , more profitable pursuits . Stuff that was a lot more fun . " Kasuga - san ! " He frowned at the voice behind him . He turned to see one of his classmates - what was her name ? Yuki ? - running up behind him . She stopped , flushing from either the exertion or being in his presence . She bowed . " Kasuga - san , I . . . I am having a party tomorrow night and . . . and I wanted to know if . . . if you 'd like to come ? " He looked into her mind . She was quite attracted to him . She 'd heard of his reputation , and it excited her . She had a fantasy about being his girlfriend , where he showered her with attention and expensive gifts . He curled his lip slightly . Too easy . Far too easy . It wouldn 't be a challenge at all . " Sorry , can 't . Too busy doing interesting things . No time to play with children . " Gee , that hadn 't been any fun . She hadn 't begged or anything . He frowned as he turned , wondering if he maybe shouldn 't have strung her along a little . " Gee , Kazuya . " This was the cynical voice of his best friend , Yokio . " If you 're gonna turn down the cute ones , can 't you at least send a couple of them my way ? " Kazuya darted into Yokio 's mind and found the appropriate envy in the foreground . " I 've had hotter than that . Much hotter . Even you could do better than what 's - her - name . " Kazuya shrugged . Tests were easy for him . He got the answers from the teacher 's mind . Sometimes he broadcast those answers to his friends . " What 's in it for me ? " Kyosuke wandered around the city , looking for something to shoot . His sporadic work as a freelance photojournalist had slowed down considerably of late . Preparing for the wedding ( emotionally more than anything else ) had drained him of creative impulses . He didn 't need money ; Madoka made plenty from her songwriting , and she was well - endowed anyway by her world - famous parents . Kyosuke would never want for money as long as he was with her . During his childhood , his father 's sometimes - sporadic income had not always been enough to meet expenses . After years of living on the edge financially as his family had moved from place to place , Kyosuke was beginning to very much appreciate financial stability . But he needed to do something . He had more ambition than to sit and watch Madoka compose all day . While that was fun in and of itself , it was not a full life . He wanted to contribute to the world somehow . Following in his father 's footsteps had been easy - he 'd learned a lot about photography while growing up , almost without realizing it . Learning how to apply that knowledge , though , had turned out to be a lot tougher . College had helped some . Mostly , though , it was as his father had said : photography was a personal experience . You only got better by doing . He hadn 't been taking a lot of pictures lately . He needed to . Getting out of practice was not a good thing . Also , he had to get the foul taste of this morning 's argument with Madoka out of his mouth . Somehow , Kyosuke needed to make everything all better . How about going back in time , just like she 'd suggested ? He could keep the argument from happening . Then he wouldn 't feel so bad now . Things between them would be good . Kyosuke sighed and looked through his viewfinder , focusing on a tree a hundred yards away . He 'd tried that once before . It had worked for the short term , but it had had devastating consequences in the long run . Kyosuke couldn 't use the Power to try and correct all his mistakes ; he might end up making things worse . He had to muddle on like any other human being . Plus he wasn 't exactly sure how to go back in time . Every time he 'd done it , it had been by accident . A repeatable accident in one case , but an accident nonetheless . A figure stepped in front of the camera . Kyosuke lowered it to see Madoka staring at him angrily . " Kyosuke , I think you should know . I 've decided . We aren 't going to get married . Ever . " " I mean it ! " Her frown deepened . " I don 't know what I was thinking in the first place ! I can do much better than you . And you certainly don 't deserve anyone wonderful like me . " " Damn . " The figure in front of him shimmered , to be replaced by the appearance of his cousin . " Although everything I said was true . You should have stuck with Hikaru . She was much more your type . " Akane continued in a stern tone of voice . " I mean , indulging in such elaborate fantasies about your own cousin ? I mean I figured you thought I was kind of cute , but isn 't that a tiny bit extreme ? " Kyosuke started slightly , knowing there was more truth to that phrase than came across in her teasing tone of voice . Ever since openly declaring her preferences to her parents , her father had been on her mercilessly , insisting that she get married to a man right away . Akane had steadfastly resisted all his efforts , and her relationship with her family wasn 't so good right now . Kyosuke felt for her , but there was little he could do to help her . She managed to stick out her tongue and cross her eyes just as he snapped the picture . He laughed as he lowered the camera . " I 'll be sure to make a whole set of prints out of that . I 'll pass them out at the wedding . " Kyosuke 's own smile vanished . Kazuya . He 'd caused Kyosuke no end of trouble growing up , abusing his Power endlessly , delighting in causing as much mischief as possible . Kyosuke only tolerated him at all because he had once helped him help Madoka when she had fallen ill during finals . As far as Kyosuke knew , that was one of the very few nice things Kazuya had ever done . For the most part he was an evil little brat , and Kyosuke was happiest when he wasn 't around . " High school ? " Kyosuke 's reeled slightly . He mostly remembered Kazuya as a precocious six - year - old . A lot of time had passed since then . For the first time in his life , Kyosuke felt old . " Oh . Uh , well , I don 't know if I 'd recognize him if I saw him . " " You would ; he still looks a lot like you . " Akane sighed . " He keeps disappearing after school . Sometimes he doesn 't come back until very late at night , or the next day . Mom and Dad are really worried about him . " She looked down and spoke quite softly . " I am , too . " Kyosuke sighed and tried to put his personal distaste behind . Certainly he 'd be worried sick if Kurumi acted this way . She never did , of course ; while a bit of a flake and somewhat irresponsible , she didn 't have a malicious bone in her body . Kyosuke grunted ; Kazuya had an entire skeletal structure composed of them . But now was not the time or the place . Akane needed help , and Kyosuke would do what he could for her . " Uh , look , I 'm sorry for what I said just now . Point didn 't need to be made . Let 's go looking . " The Perverted Samurai was in one of the less - reputable sections of town . There was bad topless dancing and drinks of questionable vintage to be found within . There was also a high - stakes poker game that took place in the back room . Along with other , higher - risk bits of action . Kazuya nodded affably at the doorman . The doorman had tried to stop him , once , long ago . Now his left eye twitched every time he saw Kazuya . Kazuya sauntered into the club , watching as the center of attention slowly turned to him . They knew him , and knew who he was connected with and what he could do . Kazuya frowned and looked into the bartender 's mind . He was telling the truth ; no game tonight . Kazuya picked up his drink , mentally shrugging . Just as well , perhaps . He 'd been winning a bit too much in those games anyway . He took a sip and winced ; he really didn 't hold alcohol well . He ordered a drink mostly for appearance , and nursed it most of the night . The last thing he needed to do was lose control of his faculties . He saw none of the regulars he was looking for . He could use some action . He 'd helped collect on some debts - quite fun , that was . Helping much larger , bulkier men find people who owed money . Finding out from the minds of those debtors how much money they had , and where it was hidden . He 'd get a cut of what was collected . Sometimes , he 'd make the bulky men forget exactly how much was collected , and increase his cut all that much more . It was a heady experience , manipulating people twice his age or more with such ease . And this was only the beginning . Soon he 'd move up in the organization . Soon he would be the one giving orders . Soon he 'd show them what the Power could really accomplish . Kazuya cleared his mind of these fantasies . Now the question was how to spend the rest of the evening . No one was dancing right at the moment , but one of the waitresses was moving listlessly among the tables , selling drinks to the few people who were there . Real action wouldn 't begin for another few hours yet . He examined the waitress . Tall , faux - blonde , and nicely trim . Her eyes were tired behind the makeup . Still , she was quite attractive . And more importantly , he 'd never had her before . What the hell , he decided . It would be an amusing way to spend the night . He felt for the roll of money he kept in his pockets . Plenty for a nice hotel room . Setting his drink down at the bar , he sauntered up to her . He reached into her mind , preparing to make her receptive . It was a skill he 'd mastered . " Hello there . You look like you could use a rest . " She turned and saw him . He flinched ; fear bolted through her mind . Almost terror . Apprehension he was used to , but not this extreme a reaction . She stammered a reply . " I - I - I 'm fine . " Kazuya frowned and looked deeper into her mind . She wanted nothing to do with him . She was afraid for her life if she was seen with him . Because she had overheard some men talking at a table earlier tonight . The word was on the street . Kasuga Kazuya was a marked man . He was going to be killed in the most painful way possible , and anyone trying to hide him would meet a similar fate . That wasn 't right . He looked into her mind again . The same information was there . He swallowed once , hard , and looked again . And the knowledge was still there . Something cold washed through his chest . They were after him . Kazuya began to tremble . Dead . They wanted him dead . He looked around the bar again . Those that knew him were avoiding his eyes . The bartender was removing what remained of Kazuya 's drink and emptying it , turning deliberately away from him . With a flick of his mind , he froze the waitress 's mind . He made her forget that she 'd ever seen him tonight . He looked around , preparing to do the same to everyone . And stopped , wondering who 'd already left to tell others that he was here . Kazuya ran from the bar , fear crushing his heart . Dead . They wanted him dead . He 'd done nothing wrong . Nothing . And they wanted him dead . He had to straighten things out . He 'd make it better and then they wouldn 't want him dead . He 'd make it so they wouldn 't want him dead . Kayuza would change their minds and they 'd never know . " I am aware of that . " The tall man smiled slowly . " But I will be there when he falls . That is matter of personal honor , after all . " " As you will . " Amano stood . " I will be happy when he is dead . He is still too much of an unknown element for my comfort . " Kazuya ran up to the building . He paused , taking deep breaths . He was not used to all this exercise . A cramp in his side made it hard for him to stay upright . He fell against the door , accidentally crashing through it . He looked around in a panic . A shape to one side ; he darted out into its mind and seized it . Pulling himself carefully up , he tried to peer through the gloom . No one else was evident . Kazuya looked into the mind of the guard . He was the only one on duty . The rest had been called away by a man named Amano - someone very high up in the organization . For what purpose , the guard didn 't know and didn 't want to know unless told . But the guard had speculations , and high among them had been the brash teenager who had been making too much noise and must now be silenced . Kazuya withdrew his mind . The guard collapsed ; very few could withstand the intense probing he 'd just been subjected to . Kazuya looked down at the body , hoping there was no permanent damage . If he was going to get back into everyone 's good graces , he had better not turn too many people into vegetables . Kazuya restrained himself from seizing the man 's mind . He bowed deeply , something he rarely did . " Kazuki - san . Please forgive my rude interruption . " He waited , but no reply was forthcoming . He lightly scanned Kazuki 's mind , and found contempt there . With a massive effort at composure , Kazuya straightened and looked calmly at Kazuki . " If I have given offense , please allow me to make up for it . I will do anything I can to make amends . I can be very useful . " Kazuya looked up and into Kazuki . What he saw there made him gasp . It made no difference whether or not he cut off his finger . Kazuki 's orders were to detain him until others could come and capture him . That brought no satisfaction at all to Kazuya . He turned back to the door , then stopped . He tried to visualize the other side of the door , but he didn 't have clairvoyance . Dad could do that a little , but although Kazuya was a much stronger ESPer , there were some things he couldn 't do . Yet . With a shout , he crashed through the door . A man raising something at him . Snap , and the man fell . Kazuya dropped to the ground , more because he was terribly afraid of being shot than any coherent plan . He heard something zing above his head . He reached out with his mind , found another , squeezed it , and down it went . He scrambled forward on his hands and knees , reached a corner , peeked around it . Empty , but three windows leading outside . Move quickly up to one , peek quickly through , nothing , drop back down . Safe ? Surely not . Crawl quickly down the hallway , around another corner , a man , pointing something at him . Grabbing the man 's mind . Freezing him this time , looking in . They have orders to incapacitate him , but not kill him ; Amano wants the pleasure of killing him personally . They know - * know * - that he has ESP , and thought they were ready for it . This man certainly thought that his mind could never be taken over . The tall man spoke softly into a microphone . The monitor came to life , showing the limp form of the boy being held by one of the tall man 's operatives . The others were rising , gathering around the captive . The tall man was speaking into the microphone again , giving instructions for delivery . Amano grabbed his arm . " Tell them to be careful , he may be - " Suddenly the picture on the monitor tilted wildly . When it came to rest , it showed a good picture of two of the tall man 's operatives curled on the ground , clutching at their heads . Behind them , the boy stood , wincing as if in pain , looking very pale . The boy moved to one of the men on the ground , stooped over him , and took a transmitter from him . The boy spoke into it . Amano looked over at the tall man . His face was red and his jaw was clenched tightly ; Amano had never seen the tall man this angry before . Amano gestured imperiously , and the tall man savagely flipped a switch . " - don 't want to do this . " The boy 's voice coming from the monitor was clearly strained and frightened . " Please , I 'll do anything , pay you any money . I can do a lot for you . Let me prove my loyalty . " " You have already proven your loyalty , you freak . " Amano blinked at the hate in the tall man 's voice . " I will see your blood running - " Amano calmly reached over to take the microphone from the tall man . The tall man at first tightened his grip on it , then released it to him . Amano spoke in a pleasant monotone . " Young Kasuga , if you want to prove your loyalty , allow my associates to take you in . Your life is forfeit for your crimes , but you may yet spare the lives of your lovely older sister and your parents . And if they mean as little to you as everyone else apparently does , we can keep removing those whom you associate with until we find someone you do care for . " Amano smiled softly at the shock on the boy 's face . " Do the honorable thing , Kasuga - kun . Turn yourself in and meet a warrior 's death . " " Be easy . " Amano settled back in his chair . " I did not expect them to succeed . The boy does have powers greater than he had shown before . But we have learned valuable lessons here . Your men - those that survived - now know what it is like to feel his mind in theirs , and they will be better prepared . And we must make sure they are prepared ; if this boy has such gifts , others in his family may as well . If they can be properly motivated , they can be valuable additions . " The tall man growled . " You expected my agents to fail ? " Yet , even as he said that , his tone contained more of the respect that was Amano 's due . " The young man had yet to show the full extent of his powers , of that I was certain . Now he has . Now he know what he is capable of . Next time , he won 't escape . " " And we will know how to deal with others like him . " The tall man 's voice contained grudging acknowledgment of the validity of Amano 's plans . " Very well . I will consult with my agents and present to you another plan for capturing Kasuga . " Kyosuke loaded the last of the boxes into the van . He closed the doors , turned , and leaned back against them , wiping his brow . " I hate moving . " " I hate moving * you * ! " Kurumi was sprawled gracelessly on the sidewalk . " If you had just let us use the Power this would have been , like , * so * easy . " " You 're beginning to sound like Grandfather . " Manami stood up from where she had been sitting on the steps and stood over Kurumi , waving a finger down at her . " If someone had seen us , what would that have done to our older brother 's wedding ? " Kurumi growled . " Stop being so serious , Manami ! " She waved with her hand , and Manami 's glasses went flying before settling gently on the small lawn in front of the apartment building Kyosuke sighed the sigh of long suffering . He pushed himself off the van and walked over to where Manami 's glasses lay in the grass . He picked them up and held them out to Manami . Manami put them on and glared down at Kurumi . " Really ! That 's very rude ! Aren 't you a little old to be making such childish pranks ? " Kurumi 's eyes narrowed , and Kyosuke could see her considering a repeat performance . He stepped over her , next to Manami . " That wasn 't nice , Kurumi . You have to take these things more seriously . Or have you forgotten how awful it was when we had to keep moving from town to town , year after year ? " " Yes ! " Manami put her hands on her hips . " I was in the same room with you when you cried over the friends you kept having to leave behind . Now we 've been in one place for ten years , and it feels like home . For the first time ! Do you really want to spoil that ? " Hands grabbed his arms roughly from behind . A sack was thrown over his head and more arms wrapped themselves around his feet . " Got him ! Run for it , guys ! " Kyosuke was about to teleport away in a panic before he recognized the voice . Komatsu . A friend since high school , and a confirmed pervert . Which meant that one of the other pairs of arms that was carrying him down the sidewalk had to belong to Hatta . " Don 't listen to her . " Komatsu sounded evilly mischievous . " For this one last night , you are going to forget all about Madoka . Because it 's your . . . " Kazuya woke slowly , hoping the nightmare was over . He looked around and realized that we was in an alley somewhere , huddled behind a trash bin . The nightmare continued . He stood and wrapped his arms around himself . He wasn 't cold , but he felt something inside him that chilled his bones . He 'd been running for . . . hours ? days ? He 'd lost track of time . He couldn 't go home . They 'd find him there . He couldn 't check into a hotel . They 'd find him there , too . He had to stay as hidden as possible . And they 'd find him eventually anyway . The woman on the stage was unbelievably proportioned . Kyosuke stared at her goggle - eyed . As he did , another drink was slapped into his hand . He downed it in three gulps , not taking his eyes off the woman . Finally her dance ended . She smiled , waved at the crowd , then came up to Kyosuke . She bent down and kissed him . Kyosuke didn 't kiss her back , instead trying to look down his nose at what was just out of eyesight . The woman straightened , winked at him , then walked off the stage to the sound of raucous cheers . " Yeah ! " Hatta put his arm around Kyosuke 's shoulders . " I 'll bet Ma - do - ka doesn 't have a pair like those ! " " Hey ! " Something about that should bother Kyosuke , but he couldn 't figure out what it should be . He thought about it for a few seconds , then gave up . " You 're right . Hers aren 't like that at all . " " That 's right ! " Hatta crowed . " There 's still time to repent ! Marriage is so dull ! Bachelorhood is the only pure form of existence ! " Kyosuke was still confused . " But , you don 't have sex with lots of young women . You don 't have wild parties every night . You 're always complaining ' bout having nothing better to do than read perverted comics every night . Wha 's so great ' bout that ? " The music started , and another dancer stepped onto the stage . Kyosuke for some reason found little interest in her this time . " Madoka . I 'm marrying Madoka . " " Ayukawa ! " Komatsu almost shouted the name . He continued in a just - slightly - less - loud tone of voice . " She 's too good for you . " " S ' not ! " Kyosuke reached forward and grabbed Komatsu 's shirt . " Yuri . . no , ' kane . . . uh , my cousin said the same thing . S ' not too good for me . Gonna be my wife . " " Why she wanna marry you ? " Hatta peered at Kyosuke closely . " Not any smarter ' n us . Not any better looking ' n us . Don ' got more money ' n us . Ayukawa 's smart . Ayukawa 's beautiful . Ayukawa 's rich . Why she wanna marry you ? We coulda shown babe like her a good time . " Kyosuke tried to think about that . " Dunno . Maybe ' cuz I didn ' call her ' babe ' . Maybe ' cuz didn ' try to show her a ' good time ' . Maybe ' cuz . . . ' cuz . . . ' cuz I never wanted nothin ' from her but her love . " Silence lasted for almost a minute . Finally Hatta looked down into the empty drink he was holding . " You 're lucky , Kasuga . Damn lucky . Ayukawa 's lucky , too . " Komatsu slapped the table . " Shut up , alla you . Too much sappy moralizing ! No morals , not tonight ! " He stood up and waved at the bar . " Another round ! Hurry ! " Another drink soon appeared in front of Kyosuke . He smiled at it , at the new woman on the stage , and at the world in general . He was marrying Madoka tomorrow , and everything was great and wonderful . The tall man seemed quite frustrated . " He has not been to his home , or his school , or any of the regular places . We 're fairly certain he hasn 't left the city , although we can 't guarantee that . " " Hmm . " Amano mulled it over . " He 's on the run , hiding somewhere . He 's young , and he 's panicking . Something will give soon . " " No . We should not bring that kind of attention upon ourselves . The murder of a delinquent no one will question , but the death of a beautiful young woman will bring unnecessary scrutiny onto our operation . " " No . " Amano frowned at the tall man . " I am merely stating that circumstances have not yet reached that drastic a point . And the boy will break soon . " Kazuya leaned against the lamppost . His eyes ached fiercely . His strength was running out and his rationality was leaving him . There had to be a way out . Had to be . Kyosuke stumbled down the street . The apartment was around here somewhere . He was going to spend one last night in his father 's apartment . From then on , he 'd live in Madoka 's house , the one she 'd lived in by herself for years , the one her parents had given her as a wedding present . He peered around . He appeared to be in a playground . His brow cleared ; it was the playground . The one he and Madoka had talked together in , that one night before she was to go to America . Four in the morning it had been then , just as now . She 'd sat on the swing and he 'd stood behind her and told her how much he liked the town he 'd moved to . How much he 'd liked it because she was in it . And she 'd laughed , and told him that she wasn 't going anywhere , that moving to America had been a joke , but he 'd known , he 'd known it wasn 't a joke , that she 'd needed to hear him say that . It had been one of the critical junctures in the early part of their relationship , and he 'd managed to get it right . Kyosuke smiled at the memory and walked up to the swing . He sat in it , remembering how Madoka had looked in it , the pretty teenager before she 'd grown into the stunning young woman . The sound of her laughter , that joyful music she rarely let anyone hear , including him . This was a special playground , a special swing , and he hoped one day to bring his own children here . His children , and Madoka 's . A shadow loomed over him . Kyosuke looked up , startled . A boy , a teenager , stood in front of him . He looked to be in very bad shape . His clothes - a school uniform - were dirty and smelled a bit . His hair was unkempt and his face was gaunt . And the eyes . . . the eyes were the worst of all . Sunken , bloodshot , wild . Kazuya stood unsteadily . His winced and grabbed at his head . He was dizzy , very dizzy . His stomach was queasy and he was having trouble thinking clearly . He grabbed on to the chain of the swing and held himself up . He concentrated fiercely on the body below him , sending his mind inside it . With all of the alcohol inside of him his concentration kept wavering . He had to get this right . Had to . He felt the unconscious mind , felt for the part of the mind that kept it unconscious , and tweaked it . Kazuya withdrew his mind and clung to the swing for dear life as dizziness consumed him . His stomach roiled violently , and he leaned over and threw up . He stood there for a long time , trying to recover himself . Now they would find him . But he 'd fooled them . He was safe , he 'd get away with it . Eventually , he would make them pay . Amano woke instantly at the sound of his phone ringing . He glanced at the clock : almost five in the morning . This had to be important . He smiled ; he knew what it had to be . " I will meet you there . " Amano hung up the phone , then got out of bed and headed towards the shower . He had an enjoyable day ahead of him , and he wanted to make sure he looked his best . He sat bolt upright . He was in a bed , one he vaguely remembered being helped into last night . He leaped out from underneath the covers and ran into the bathroom . He stared at the reflection . The reflection of Kyosuke . Married . To Madoka . Certainly a far cry from a death sentence . He grinned at his reflection . Life was so . . . good . To be alive was a wonderful , beautiful thing . Kazuya stood in front of a large number of people . All of them were studying him closely . The most powerful ESPers in the world , all gathered together in one place . All it would take is one stray thought and he 'd be found out . What had he been thinking ? And there were a lot of people here . The whole Kasuga clan , a lot of people . And the Ayukawas , who were much more numerous than Kazuya had realized . The church was quite large , but it was packed . And they were still all looking at him . Someone pulled on his arm . He turned and flinched . His sister was looking at him . She was one of Madoka 's bridesmaids , and she might have actually looked kinda nice if her eyes weren 't so bloodshot . She evidently missed it . Akane looked down , her voice shaking . " We still haven 't found Kazuya . It 's been three days . I 'm . . . I 'm so scared . . . " She choked herself off . Kazuya felt something cold and hard settle into his stomach . " It 's , uh , okay . I 'm sure he 's okay . In fact , I know he is . Don 't worry . " " Anyway , this isn 't about me or my brother , " Akane said in a suddenly cheerful tone of voice . She turned around . " Follow me . " Kazuya did , warily . Maybe Akane had found out about him after all . Maybe she was taking him away to confront him . He 'd better be ready . She led him to a door at the back of a church . Akane smiled at him again . " Wait here . " She shook her finger . " Don 't move . That 's very important . " She opened the door and walked outside into the sunshine , leaving the door propped open . He heard a rustling from the other side of the door , from outside his field of vision . Kazuya gathered himself , ready to bring his Power to bear . They wouldn 't catch him unaware . When he didn 't say anything , she went on . " Anyway , I wanted to say . . . I 'm sorry . I was mean to you when we left . I got angry at you for . . . for hiding something from me . But we both know I hide a lot from you , too . Still . It 's not that I don 't trust you , it 's just that . . . that I 'd been alone for so long that . . . that I 'm still getting used to the idea of sharing my life with someone . Of sharing everything with them . " He could hear her sigh . " That 's so hard for me , that sharing . Part of the reason I got so angry was that I was angry at myself for acting in much the same way . " Cloth rustled . " I needed to tell you that , Kyosuke . I don 't want us to get married with that kind of . . . unresolved conflict hanging over us . So I apologize . And I promise . . . no more hiding . No more withholding . There are some things . . . that have happened to me . . . things I need to tell you . Later , I promise . After we 're married . " She stopped talking . Kazuya had no idea what to make of that . He racked his brains , trying to figure out what Kyosuke would say . Something wimpy , Kazuya was sure . " Right . " He listened as she moved off . He shrugged and went back to his place next to that friend of Kyosuke 's whose name he forgot . Kazuya 's jaw dropped open . Madoka was gorgeous . She had this frilly wedding dress on , with lots of lace and stuff . Her figure filled out the dress beautifully - there were some very interesting curves showing in different places . Her long black hair was arrayed perfectly around her head and shoulders . He couldn 't see her eyes too well behind the veil , but she was smiling very widely . Kazuya looked quickly around . This was great . He was about to marry this chick . His lip wanted to sneer , and he held it in place . Not now , not in front of these people . He looked her up and down , getting a better look at the curves . As he did , her smile faltered a bit . In a panic , he reached into her mind , saw a bit of doubt beginning to form . Indeed , something about the conversation at the door had bothered her before , and her concern was growing . It was easy to overcome . He 'd been manipulating women 's minds since he was thirteen . Plus so much of her mind was filled with love for Kyosuke ; it took no effort to use those emotions to erase her doubts . Madoka 's smile returned in full force . The ceremony didn 't go so well . He had no idea what to do , and had to be constantly prompted by the minister or the best man . Fortunately , the audience seemed to put it down to wedding jitters , and laughed gently at his constant bumbling . He had one moment of panic , when the minister asked the question about anyone having some objections . For some reason , Kazuya expected Kyosuke to come bursting through the doors at just that moment . But he didn 't , and the minister quickly moved on . Finally the exchange of vows and rings . The metal felt strange on Kazuya 's finger . Almost confining . He ignored it for now . Madoka , with his subtle mental prompting , had not lost her huge smile , and she spoke her vows with a passion he 'd never seen in her - she 'd always struck him as being a cold fish . He had a little trouble putting on the ring , but finally it stuck on her finger . Then the priest said something about " husband and wife " . With that , Madoka threw her arms around Kazuya and kissed him deeply . Kazuya , startled , kissed her back as the church resounded with applause . Madoka seemed to want the kissing to go on and on , and Kazuya had to push her away . He looked at her in triumph . She was his , and she 'd do anything for him . Anything . The first part of which would start tonight . He swept his gaze around the crowd . Strong ESPers , all of them . He spotted Grandma and Grandpa . The only two who were stronger than Kazuya , but they were both more than a little senile . No threat there . He 'd fooled them all . Contempt washed over Kazuya ; they had no idea what the Power could really achieve . He 'd show them . With this new body , and with some new lessons learned , he 'd do it right . Kyosuke clawed his way back to consciousness . Something didn 't want him to wake up . Something wanted him to wake up . He wanted to wake up . He needed to wake up . A part of his mind seemed to snap , and he brought himself more fully awake . But it was wrong . He was fuzzy , his head muddled and not able to think . He tried to bring his hands to his forehead and found that he couldn 't . His hands wouldn 't move . They were tied . Tied to the table he was lying on . " Awake at last , Kasuga ? " A cultured , quiet voice . A voice that somehow conveyed enormous menace . " It took us a long time to wake you up . Did you try to kill yourself ? " " No matter . You didn 't succeed . " A hand grabbed his chin . " Now , it 's important for you to understand what 's about to happen to you . You betrayed the trust that was extended to you . You cheated at games of chance by using your ESP . You took money that didn 't belong to you , and tried to cover that fact by altering the memories of those around you . You also bedded many women , some of which were . . . changed when you were done with them . " The hand was removed . " Now , you might be having a little difficulty thinking clearly . We have given you several drugs . Drugs that will keep you awake , but unable to concentrate . We don 't want you using your ESP to try and alter our minds , after all . But you 'll still be able to feel pain . As I was telling my associate here , the example won 't mean anything if you aren 't made to suffer . " Strong hands grabbed one of his hands . His pinky was separated from the other fingers , then wrenched . He heard a snap , and pain flared in his mind . He screamed . Another , harsher voice spoke over him . " That was just the beginning , boy . You turned some of my best men into blubbering idiots . You have to pay for that . And you will . " A woman sat in the back of the now - empty hall . She had felt the crowds leave around her , and one or two people had given her a curious look , but no one had approached her . Which was just as well . She had not come here to talk to anyone . She had come for one purpose and one purpose only : to see the wedding of the bride and groom . Then she was going to leave . She 'd had a very clear image of how the wedding was supposed to go . And at first things had seemed to go exactly right . The hall was very nice , the dresses were beautiful , the day was perfect . And then the bride and groom had stood together , and it had all gone horribly wrong . The bride had acted like a total ditz . That was not how the bride acted , not the way the bride * was * , even excusing the tension of getting married . The bride had behaved like a love - sick airhead . The woman stood and looked at the altar where the groom had stood . Where the groom had acted like a complete jerk , staring at the bride like a thing , an object to be possessed . The groom had actually leered at the bride - leered ! - and had smirked throughout most of the ceremony . |
I haven 't really ever talked much about Kale on here , because , well , he is the second . And that is just the way things go . Here is a list of things you need to know about him . . . The reason why I got Kale when I did was because I knew that Kabo was getting older and I wanted to have another dog that had all of his good attributes . Kabo doesn 't run away when off leash , stays in our yard , knows a bunch of tricks like sit and down and wave , and generally knows when to leave a person alone . ( If you pet him , he will be your best friend . If you don 't look at him , he 'll have nothing to do with you . For at least a few minutes . He does eventually try to win over even the hardest of non - dog - loving hearts . ) Everyone who knows Kabo loves Kabo . And I knew that I would be raising this new dog in a totally different environment than we raised Kabo . I know that I wasn 't solely responsible for his awesome - ness , so I knew that I needed help with a puppy . When I went to get Kale , there were still six other puppies left out of the twelve in his litter . I was able to witness feeding time , and it was basically a black puppy eating frenzy . They were polite , no growling or such , but pretty much went in a circle around the bowl , perfectly synchronized , scarfing down as much food as they possibly could before any of the other puppies got more than their fair share . The first time I met him , the breeder brought him up from the kennel area and I attempted to see if he liked me . Because really , I liked him , he was a puppy , what was there NOT to like ? But he seemed more interested in what was in the kitchen than me or any affection I might give him . He was sniffing at the counter and didn 't want to be anywhere near the living room , where we were sitting on the floor . When we took him outside , the story completely changed , and that is why I chose him to come home with me . . . because he chose me . Now , a year and a half later , Kale 's favorite room of the house is still the kitchen . When the kids eat at the bar , he is positioned between them , staring up , just waiting for something to fall . He considers the chairs fair game if the food doesn 't make it into the girls ' mouths , and willingly cleans them off , whether the girls were going to eat that bite or not . When we eat together as a family , and especially when we have guests , I have to put him in the laundry room , because he literally cannot help himself . He knows that he shouldn 't beg , yet he inches closer and closer to the table until you look down and his nose is right next to the hand which is holding your fork . I 've tried making him stay in a certain place , but to be honest , it is a lot of work . I have just a couple of minutes to eat my food as it is , and spending that time taking him back to the same spot over and over just isn 't what I am generally in the mood for at 6pm . I used to crate him , but wow , he was really annoying with the crying . I have also since taken the crate down . So we deal with it . To the laundry room it is , unless his manners are working for him that day and he doesn 't annoy me too much . I feel like I should mention that no matter what brand of food , nor how much he gets , he always . wants . more . He gets almost four cups of food a day , which is more than the recommended amount on the bag , and that amount is for un - sterilized animals who have higher metabolisms . So yeah , he isn 't starving . Around five o ' clock , him and Kabo start to stare me down and follow me around , just so I won 't forget to feed them . Not that I ever forget to feed them , OK , maybe just once . Sam and Charlie LOVE to help feed the dogs . Charlie especially . She sees me pick up the dog bowls and she 'll scream at me and cry if I don 't let her put at least one of them down . She is very serious about the whole matter , s - l - o - w - l - y leaning down to put dishes in their designated spots . Since she loves to feed the dogs , I suppose it is only natural that she also loves to play in the dog food . Kale 's food is in a container on the landing in our garage , which means that Charlie can just wander out there anytime she wants and attempt to pry it open . Usually she can 't . The other day she could . What followed was an experiment I had been wanting to try , but couldn 't find enough excuses to do so . Charlie filled up one of the dog bowls to the very top , almost perfectly level . She then " accidentally " dumped it out onto the floor . It was probably eight or ten cups of food , and Kale heard it hit the ground . He was cautious at first , looking at me since I had let out a loud exasperated " Charlie ! " when I heard the food spill . I looked at the food , then at Kale , he looked at me , then at the food , and I sighed and said , " OK . " He dove . He didn 't have the same desperate drive to get all the food in his mouth as quickly as possible , especially since I think he knew I wasn 't about to sweep it all up . But that damn dog ate every last kernel of dog chow that was scattered across the floor . He thoroughly checked underneath the refrigerator and obediently allowed Kabo to have a few bites when he approached , and I was so relieved that I didn 't have to sweep up yet another mess . But it just confirmed what I thought , if I accidentally left the top of the tub open , he probably would eat the whole damn thing . The first six months of Kabo 's life I could barely get him to eat half of what was recommended , and even since then , he 's never been so worried that he won 't get fed . Kale , I guess it is just that survival instinct kicking in . . . eat as much as you can while it is there . Even if you know more is coming in 12 hours . I supposed that is juts one of the downfalls of being one of twelve . Posted by I stopped at the park for a few minutes over lunch since the girls were there with our nanny . This particular park is on quite a busy street . Cars go by every few seconds , if not more often . After parking , I noticed a little kid about Charlie 's age and height running towards me . Since I was still pretty close to the street , I kept an eye on him as he realized that I was NOT his mom and turned to run the other way . I kept watching him , and he kept wandering closer and closer to the street . Actually , the kid was making a beeline for it . I thought to myself , " He 's going to stop , he 's going to stop , " ( you know , because toddlers totally know to stop at the curb ) , but the kid was determined . I started walking his way and then had to break into a ( pathetic ) run to catch him before he hit the pavement . Just after I put out my hands to stop him , a big white SUV drove past . There was no way they would have seen him , since we both were behind a car . I guess if they saw me running and put two - and - two together , but let 's not bank on that . The kid started pointing across the street and said " Mommy " and tried to get around me . Now here is where maybe I am weird . I didn 't pick him up . I didn 't want him to freak out on me and start screaming and draw all kinds of attention and make me look like some sort of child kidnapper . I kept trying to herd him back to the park , and after what seemed like forever , ( more like 3 seconds ) I look up and his mom is running . She thanked me profusely and was shaking and hugged him tight . He looked like he could give a damn about the whole situation . At that point , I realized my heart was pounding . I 'm not sure if it was from the 30 feet I had to run or the adrenaline that rushed through me when I realized what was going on . And what could have happened . We smiled at the new mom and went back to getting my kids to play on the playground . And here 's the thing . I totally get that your kid got away and you didn 't know . Hell , I hope someday someone is there to stop Charlie from crossing the street before an Expedition rolls over her . I was totally NOT judging the mom , I was just happy that I was there and could help . But not 10 minutes later , while we were at the swings , I noticed the little boy again . He had wandered over and was trying to play with some little girls who had a wagon . Who were vehemently against a little boy joining in their game . And the mom was probably a good hundred feet away , in a totally different section of the playground , talking to some other moms . I get that kids get away . Some more than others Some are hell bent on giving their parents heart attacks . But don 't you think that after your kid almost got hit by a car you would keep an eye on him at least for a few minutes ? He was probably by us for 5 minutes before the mom came over to get him . She had no other children with her , so I couldn 't give her that break . She was just really focused on the conversation at hand with her playgroup . Am I crazy for thinking that she maybe should have been a tad more vigilant ? I know that moms should support each other , and I am all for that , and that none of us are perfect , but her toddler ran away twice , and she didn 't notice for several minutes . Now that I have put it out there , I am sure that Charlie is going to run away and have to be brought home by the police before I realize she is gone . Karma is a bitch . Posted by There are lots of things I don 't remember from when my babies were newborns . The first time they smiled , the first dirty diaper , the first time Charlie slept through the night . I do however , remember the first time Sam slept through the night . I had heard all these stories from moms about how the first time their firstborn slept " through the night " ( which typically means 6 hours or more ) , they would jerk awake and rush to see if the baby was still alive . That didn 't happen for me . I was at my parent 's house , and it was about 6 : 30 in the morning . I heard her cry , looked at the clock , and all I thought was , " Please , please sleep a little longer . " It had been 7 1 / 2 hours . I should have been ecstatic , but instead I was really sleep - deprived . Luckily for me , Sam continued to sleep through the night , until about . . . oh . . . the past few months . In those precious times , bedtime was a joyous occasion . We had a good routine with Sam , and she was pretty easy to put down . Bottle , swaddle , bed . As she got older it was bottle , books , bed . Sometimes Workaholic would put her to sleep and we would enjoy a nice , quiet couple of hours before going to sleep . The reason I say those were joyous times is because before and after those times , bedtime is the worst time of the day . Worse even than getting up in the morning . My kids seem to save up all of their energy for after dinner , at which time they run screaming around the house , tickling and tackling each other , stealing each others toys , and generally being wild animals . We 've tried to set a routine . . . sometimes a bath , then brush teeth , get into pajamas , read books , snuggle , sleep . Oh how we have tried . The past few weeks have been , well . . . hell . Take tonight , for example . Workaholic is working , so it is just me . I give them a 20 minute warning , at which Sam protests . Charlie says , " OK ! " only because I think she likes to say that word . When I announce it is time for bed , Sam starts whining and asking for things , and Charlie bolts . I chase her down , drag her into her room , and wrangle her into a diaper and PJs . I turn on the sound machine , turn down the lighting , and we read books . At least five every night . And then I tell her that we can either rock and snuggle or she can go to bed . At which she tells me no . Eventually she wriggles out of my arms and climbs into bed . This is where the hell begins . ( as if the fighting beforehand wasn 't bad enough ) We 've gotten into a terrible routine of putting her in bed , me walking out , her getting up , me putting her back into bed . After about 15 times of this , she starts to get really upset . This isn 't a game she wants to play anymore . She has figured out that I will rock her if she is insistent enough , and cries hard enough . I 'm talking the can 't - breathe - sobbing - pathetic cry that toddlers do that sort of break your heart . And it also sorta makes you roll your eyes because you know that they are just tired and WHY THE HELL WON ' T THEY JUST GO TO SLEEP ? ? So I rock her , and then tell her that it is time for her to go to her bed . She goes willingly enough , and a few seconds after I walk out of the room , the crying begins again . And the getting out of bed , getting put back in bed routine starts too . This can be a cycle , I might give her more than one chance to rock and snuggle if she gets upset enough . I figure if she is crying THAT hard , there is no way she 'll calm down enough to sleep . ( I think I need to get a harder heart . ) Tonight , the process took and hour and half . AFTER we went into her room . AN HOUR AND A HALF PEOPLE . I could be watching valuable television , or posting witty things on facebook , or blogging for goodness sake . I could be trying to regain my sanity after a crazy day . I am all for spending 30 minutes on a bedtime routine . But seriously , 90 minutes ? ? And that is just Charlie ! Let 's not even talk about Sam ! The best part of the 90 minutes is when I came out of Charlie 's room to see that Sam had fallen asleep waiting on me . In my bed , of course , but at least she was asleep . And this isn 't the first time it has taken this long . Sam 's biggest complaint is that she " is not tired " and that she wants to sleep with us . Yes , we have caved more than I would like to admit and let her sleep with us . It started out as a necessity of staying in beds that weren 't ours . Then it turned into her begging every night . And if she doesn 't get her way ( yes , we do say no most of the time ) , then she will often get up at 4 or 5 in the morning and want to come in and " snuggle " with me . ( read : push up against me until I fall out of the bed ) So not only am I not getting my alone time at night , but I am getting woken up almost every night by at least one , if not both kids . I 'm not sure how to handle this . I need my sleep . I NEED MY SLEEP . They don 't get sugar or juice at night , and I am limiting how much they watch the iPad and TV . It doesn 't seem to be helping . Does anyone have any other suggestions ? I just don 't have it in me to fight both kids at night and it seems ridiculous that I have to . Maybe this is just karma being a bitch . The leaves are changing and falling off of the trees . The air is crisp , the wind cool , the rain cold . The days are shorter and it seems as though a lot more of them are cloudy days . I used to hatehatehate this time of year . When I was little , I lovedlovedloved it . I " helped " rake the two billion leaves that fell in our yard from the giant oak trees that surrounded our house . I warmed myself by the fire when we burned them , or helped my dad drag the tarp loaded up with wet leaves to dump " over the hill . " ( only Woodcliff Acres residents will understand that ) We carved pumpkins for Halloween and went trick - or - treating in the dark . I was a kid , and it was awesome . A few years ago , I wrote an essay in my hometown newspaper about driving up a certain hill at a certain time of year , and how it would just take my breath away . The myriad of colors in the trees surrounding the river would brighten even my darkest day . That hill , those colors , they mean home to me . But somewhere along the way , I started to dislike fall . All it meant to me is that the leaves would fall off the trees and there would be barren emptyness for the next 6 months . The promise of snow usually wasn 't enough to pull me out of my funk , for there was far too little and far too much time inbetween . It would be too cold and too dark to go to the park after work , or even go for a walk down the street . Mornings were darker , harder to get out of bed , and cooold . A couple of years ago , I realized that I really , really hated fall . My neighbor loves all holidays . LOVES . I mean , she even decorates for Valentines Day . But fall and Christmas decorations are by far her favorite . As I admired her bales of straw and colorful mums and the adorable pumpkin arrangements that she and many other people set in front of their homes , I admonished myself for not decorating . I chided myself for being a lazy homemaker . But it always seemed just too overwhelming . I told myself that " next year " I would purchase corn stalks and gourds . " Next year " , I would put up Christmas lights . Next year , next year , next year . But I am on medication now . Better medication for me . I have started a gratitude journal . Do you know what that is ? Every day , you write down 5 things that you are grateful for . Every day . And you can 't . ever . repeat . Like , ever . The very first thing I wrote that I was grateful for was trees whose leaves turn red in the fall , and not just brown and fall off . It really is the little things in life that are the big things . For the longest time , I thought that my kids were supposed to " provide " me with those little things . But now I know that I am supposed to provide the little things . I am the one who has to notice the beauty of the trees , the refreshing crispness of the air , the way Kabo loves to sit outside for hours because it is so comfortable for him . I am the one who makes decorations happen , no matter how little or extravagant . And then I get to admire the decorations as an accomplishment for myself and an addition to the neighborhood . And with that , all of the sudden , my kids are more adorable , more precious , and even funnier to me . Their excitement is invigorating . It reminds me of my youth and makes me excited to make memories for my children . ( I seriously cannot wait until the girls are big enough to rake leaves . That job really sucks ! ) By taking notice of the trees with red leaves , instead of the ones whose leaves have already fallen off and are bare , I am slowly , ever so slowly , starting to think positive . No longer do I dread the - 20 degree days . Instead I look forward to hot chocolate by the fire . No longer do I dread the hustle and bustle of Christmas , instead I think of all the great deals I will get shopping online ! Instead of thinking that I will continue to gain weight and be unhealthy for the rest of my life , I know that if I continue to make little changes , one day I will lose weight and enjoy the effects of * shudder * exercise . ( Obviously , that day isn 't quite here yet . ) For now , I am definitely enjoying seeing MY bales of straw , corn stalks , mums , and little - girl arranged pumpkins every time I pull into my driveway . ( And Indian corn ! Who can forget the Indian corn ! ) I am excited for Sam 's field trip to the pumpkin patch tomorrow . I just know that the next 3 months are going to be better than they have been in a long time . I was all set to you give you folks a lovely post about sunshine and lollipops , but then the debate happened last night . More specifically , the comments on facebook and twitter happened last night . And so fuck it , I 've got shit to say , and I haven 't had a good rant on here in a damn long time . This is also the point where I should mention that I know little about most issues . I know pretty much what the major news outlets tell me , and by that , I mean the networks of NBC . I can 't help it , it 's just the channel I watch the most . I have not made up my mind who to vote for , and honestly , that isn 't anybody 's business . I just know that there is no one person out there who represents everything I believe in , so I have to pick the next best thing . ( Me being the best , obviously . ) And I am not trying to start a political debate , I am more pissed off by the assholes out there putting words in each candidates mouths and completely skewing what they said . So I watched about 10 minutes of the debate . I saw a woman stand up and ask about AK47s , and what was the plan to do about them . President Obama stood up and gave a nice speech about enforcing the laws already on the books but also protecting the 2nd Amendment . 1 point for Obama . Gov . Romney stood up and said many of the same things that Obama did . They seemed to agree on this issue . And then he went into how the reason for gun violence and murders is the degradation of society . And we need to fix that , and one of ways to do that is to strengthen the family unit . 1 point for Romney . And then I went on Twitter , and someone said , " I missed the debate and just heard someone say that Romney said that single moms are responsible for gun violence ? " Are you seriously kidding me ? Way to put a fucking spin on it , mysterious someone . No , Romney said in the nicest possible way that the fundamental family unit in the United States has been breaking down for a long time . And with that breakdown , morals and values are lost . Studies prove ( I think ) that a two parent household ( on average ) is optimal for children . ( And I personally don 't give a shit if it is two parents of the same gender . . . as long as they are two people who are invested in raising productive citizens . Did you see the kid from Iowa give a speech on gay marriage in the Iowa House of Representative ? ) So what Romney is saying is that more people need to be in committed relationships ( like him and Obama and , you know , Ellen ) when choosing to have children , so they have help in instilling morals and values and all the good shit parents are supposed to teach their kids . I am not saying that single mothers aren 't fantastic . They are fucking superheros , in my opinion . But I also bet that those same single mothers would say that it is really fucking hard to raise kids by yourself and it just isn 't possible to be everything to everyone . There isn 't enough time in the day nor enough energy in one human to do that . And if they had the option to have a partner in raising those kids , someone responsible and moral to help financially and emotionally and logistically , those single mothers would jump at the chance . Because being a superhero is fucking exhausting and they just want what is best for their kids . There may be some people out there ( I don 't know where ) who deny the breakdown of society . They might think that we are advancing and being more open - minded and politically correct and all that bullshit . Here is the thing . Morals and values . I 'm not talking about your stance on gay marriage or abortion or welfare or tax cuts . I 'm talking about the Golden Rule . . . " Do unto others as you would have them done unto you . " And if you have really low self - esteem , another good moral is to simply respect the life , liberty , and property of others . Respect . Why can 't we fucking respect one another ? I remember being in middle or high school the first time I heard the phrase , " Respect isn 't something that is given , it is earned . " I was like , " Oohhh . . . yeah . Totally . " And you know what ? That phrase is bullshit . It was made up by someone who probably had a lot of people beat them down in life . And I 'm sorry about that . But the number one moral that kids should be learning nowadays is that everyone deserves respect . I was going to say that until a person does something to lose your respect , then it is OK to do whatever . And then I realized that is bullshit too . Just because someone pisses you off doesn 't give you the right to pull out a handgun and shoot them . Even if you have a permit for the gun . I guess as Jesus said , " Turn the other cheek . " Or as my father - in - law would say , " Be the better person . " If all people in all societies would treat each other with respect , there would be a lot less war . A lot less murders . A lot less rapes . And I bet a lot less divorce . No one should be treated like shit just because . Because they are white , or black , or gay , or straight , or Catholic , or Jewish , or an illegal immigrant , or really old and driving below the speed limit on the interstate . Have respect for others . Have compassion for others . Treat others as you would want to be treated . It may not be as fun as mocking someone behind their back or telling someone else to fuck off , but it really is better for all of humanity in the long run . This isn 't a new concept . ( See Jesus quote above . ) But it seems more and more people believe the " Respect is not given , it is earned " quote , as opposed to believing in following the Golden Rule . And no one seems to like where this country is headed , so why not try something different ? So to all those assholes who are skewing every word that comes out of the candidates mouths . . . STOP IT ! Seriously , just tell me what I need to know about each guy 's stance on each issue , and quit going for ratings . Otherwise we are just going in circles , like a dog chasing his tail . The dog is getting older , and before you know it , he 'll be dying and everyone will be like , " Shit , what happened to the United States , the most powerful country in the world ? " Fucking Respect . That 's all it takes . End rant . Posted by I updated it last night , so check it out . . . yit is at the top of the page , right in the middle , and is a link that says , About Me . You just might be more like me than what you think . Or not . Posted by Sam has always been a talker . Charlie . . . not so much . Well , she likes to talk a whole lot , in French . Or something else that we just do not understand . The other day , while at the park , Sam fell running on a piece of playground equipment . She whacked her head on a metal bar in the process . When asked if she was OK , her response was , " Yeah . If I would just watch where I am going , things like that wouldn 't happen ! " OK . . . way to give yourself a lecture . While forcing the girls to clean the playroom last week , Sam was literally walking in circles talking to her " friend " on an old cell phone . Which we seem to have in abundance in our house . When I told her to get off of the phone and help clean , she said , " MOM ! Sshh ! I 'm talking on the phone ! " And ran out of the room . Where I had to chase her down and rip the phone from her clenched little fist while she fought me and then threw a crying fit . SHE IS THREE . " I 've had a rough day . " " Mom , I can do it because I 'm bigger than Charlie . I 'm the big sister . " I wanna brush my teeth ! Followed shortly by , " I want a vitamin ! " ( Flintstones really are the best , aren 't they ? I remember as a kid sneak - eating them , and way more than one a day . ) Fortunately for me , both girls have sort of potty - trained themselves . It is not an overnight process , or even a three day process . One day , Charlie just ran and peed in the potty all by herself . Then she started taking her diapers off because she just couldn 't stand them after she peed in them . ( Sometimes , not all the time . Which is why I am not pushing the potty training thing . ) After she peed on the floor a couple of times , I started taking her to the bathroom about once an hour . Which actually works great . ( It doesn 't work great when daddy is in charge , and the timing is not quite right , and suddenly Kale is being accused of peeing on the carpet . ) I 've heard that potty - training girls is way easier than boys , and I totally get it . Sam was super motivated once she made up her mind , and Charlie likes to be just like her big sister . I just don 't understand why she doesn 't give herself lectures when she misbehaves . He turned 13 on September 21st , and he had his own little birthday cake and Kale had a donut . They loved it . I think even Sampson got to join in on the feast . The nights in Michigan have been getting cool . Its like someone flips a switch on Labor Day and cold air moves in and the leaves start to turn their brilliant colors of red , orange and yellow . Septembers are always hard for me , the rapidly changing light , the hot - then - cold weather , the changing leaves . . . which means barren winter is ahead of us . I like green . I like color . I don 't like brown trees with no leaves and naked branches stretched to the sky . Since the nights have gotten cooler , Kabo has decided that he likes to be outside . Especially at night . For hours at a time . One night the last week in September , he had been out for quite a while and then he knocked on the door to be let in . I don 't even know who let him in , probably Sam . After a minute or so , Workaholic says , " Hey , what is wrong with Kabo 's eye ? " I look up and sure enough , there is something there . I figured it was mud from rolling around like a puppy in the grass . He was just standing in the living room , looking at us , like " Hey , I 'm tired . " As we got closer , I realized it was more of a " Hey , I 'm hurt " look . He had somehow , in his nightly wandering , managed to cut just above his eye . Actually , he sliced his eyebrow . It was about an inch long and an inch deep into his forehead . It didn 't bleed a lot , but there was definite cause to go to the vet . Not the emergency vet . I will only go there if I think my animal is dying , like , right now . And since my animal just looked like he 'd been in a bar fight , I figured he could wait a day . We go to bed and the next day he is seen . And sure enough , it needs stitches . Do you know anything about dogs getting stitches ? By their eye ? It requires them to be put under . Fan - fucking - tastic . While he is under , I consent to x - rays to see if he has arthritis in his hind end , since his control of his back legs has gotten a bit worse . I was pretty sure I had gotten these x - rays before , but really couldn 't remember . ( Yes , yes I have gotten them done before . ) So he gets to have " emergency surgery " , which just means unplanned and immediately necessary . The vet calls me that night after 8pm to let me know he was OK and awake and I convinced her to keep him overnight . Two kids and a cat and another dog in one house does not exactly make the best environment for recuperation . I get him the next day and he looks like an honest - to - God pirate . With an Elizabethan collar on his head . ( we just covering all time periods here ) He is a little down , but shows absolutely no symptoms of pain , unless lethargy is his way of saying " Ouch , I 'm hurt . " I go to pay the bill and it is literally hundreds of dollars . Which I happily paid , seeing as how the office got me right in and took care of him well and basically did everything I asked . I was surprised by the amount though . It just seemed like a lot of money for a random cut over his eye . OK , slice . Slice over his eye . And no , WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED . ( that was for you , dear sister ) What is the point to this kind of random story , you ask ? If you get a dog , and are planning on it living a long , healthy life , get pet insurance on him when he is a puppy . The first 7 or 10 years of his life you may feel as though you are throwing money out the door every time you pay the bill . But one incident will probably make up for those years of paying for insurance . ( It 'd be way too expensive to buy it for him now . ) Vets are DOCTORS . Which means they went to school for years and years and fought for one of the few spots at a prestigious veterinary school and then incurred thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loans . They have intimate knowledge on several species of animals , get paid much less than what you would think , and have to deal with many , many clients who have to make ( literally ) life and death decisions about members of their family . . . based on finances . I LOVE VETS . I just really , really wish I had splurged on pet insurance when Kabo was younger . But at least my old - man / pirate - who - got - into - a - bar - fight is OK . And back to his disappearing ways . ( this was one day post - surgery , he is much happier now that the cone is off ! ) I am a mom who also works full - time . I have two daughters and a husband and a Golden Retriever and a black cat and a Flat - Coat Retriever . I had the boy first , then we got the dog , and years and years later we had the kids . Then came the black cat and the black dog . I like sunshine and green grass and non - salty water , and it really doesn 't take much to entertain me . |
After a long and not so comfortable pregnancy - okay , it was normal in length , but felt really long - and both of my previous deliveries not going my way , I was anxious to do this one on my own . While lots of women are pushing for induction at a week overdue just to get the kid out of them , I insisted on putting it off until twelve days past my due date , which was as long as my doctor would let me have . For a month before my due date , I was having increasingly uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions . The week before my due date , I was sure I was in labour at least once , only to have everything stop and go back to normal . On Tuesday , June 10th , when I was two days overdue , I went for my doctor 's appointment and expected to have my membranes stripped . Turns out , my cervix was not ripe at all and so it wasn 't possible . I went home figuring I would be back in another six days to try it again . The next morning , I lost my mucous plug and had a number of contractions , some very close together , throughout the evening . After a long night , I had Mike take me to the hospital Thursday morning . As soon as I got there , my contractions almost completely stopped . They weren 't showing up on the monitor and when the nurse checked me for dilation , she said nothing , which indicated to me that nothing was happening . The concern that day was that the baby was transverse and so I went back a few hours later for my doctor to check . As far as I can tell , the baby had moved in the two hours that I was not in the hospital , because when I went in on Thursday at noon , he was head down for sure . My doctor did an internal exam as well , and again , said nothing to me about dilation . The only thing I heard was her saying was that something was long , which I assumed was referring to my cervix , and that it wasn 't effaced yet . I went home feeling depressed and had a little cry over what I assumed meant another eight days of pregnancy . Friday went by pretty normal - it was a busy day , but after a hockey team barbeque and being at my in - laws until eleven , I felt pretty good . I was feeling a little bit strange physically , but not having many contractions . I had actually found that day that when I went to the bathroom , I would have a contraction almost every time . I worried that I might have a bladder infection , as I had heard that they could cause contractions and pain when using the bathroom . We went to bed late on Friday and I had about two hours of sleep when I woke up with a contraction . I had them five minutes apart for three hours and then was able to sleep between them for the next four hours . They were painful enough that I was breathing through them and using effleurage to deal with the pain . In the morning , I checked my cervix to see what I could feel and something was definitely different . Instead of feeling the neck , I just felt the edge of it , which I figured meant that those seven hours had at least gotten me effaced . I didn 't check any more than that , but I may have been somewhat dilated as well . My contractions more or less stopped when I got up and so I told Mike that we had to stay busy that day or I was going to go nuts . I figured that I would probably have the baby soon , but had no way to really tell and I had errands to run and cleaning to do in the house . I decided that if we could get a few things done at home and then have the kids nap at Mike 's parents while we went shopping , it would be a good way to stay busy . We finished up at home and went to his parents around three - thirty . We put the kids down for their nap , Mike had some steak and we left to get our shopping done . I was pretty tired and not feeling great when we got back to pick up the kids , so we didn 't stay for a long time . We had some dessert and left around seven - thirty . I had at least two or three bad contractions when I was at my in - laws , but nothing was regular . On the way home , we stopped at Safeway to get ice and against my better judgement , I went in to get it myself . Getting back out to the van , I was in a terrible amount of pain . We got home and Mike sat down to watch a movie with the kids . I heated up some food for myself and gave them some string cheese to snack on while I checked my email and did a few other things on the computer . I got up to go to the bathroom a little after eight and had a bad contraction when I was in there , so I decided to take a bath and see if it would make me feel a bit better . It felt good , but mostly just made me have more contractions . When I got out around eight thirty , I checked myself again and realized pretty quickly that I could feel a good sized circle of the baby 's head through the amniotic sac . At this point , my contractions were bad enough to make me cry , and I figured that this was a good sign that real labour was finally happening . Mike called his parents , who were already in bed , and we packed the kids up and took them over . They had not had supper and I felt bad about it , but there was no way I was taking the time to do it . It turns out that when they got to their grandparents , they went right to bed and slept through the night without ever eating anything . We got to the hospital around twenty to ten . Right away I was having contractions that the nurse said sounded like the real thing . After being on the monitor for awhile , she checked me and said I was four or five centimetres dilated , which meant , she said , that they were keeping me . Mike and I high - fived after she left - I was actually in labour ! I stayed in the same room for a short time and then went to the delivery room and got set up in there . It must have been ten - fifteen or so at that point and things were still slow but getting more intense . I was having intense back pain and the nurse suggested that the baby was posterior , so I got on my hands and knees to try to get the baby to flip . I 'm not sure that he ever did , but things did feel better after awhile , so he must have at some point . It seemed that the whole time I was in the delivery room , I would just get into a position that was comfortable and then I would have to pee . So I would move to get up , have a contraction , go the bathroom , have another contraction and then repeat it all going back to where I was . I spent some time in the shower , but found that while it felt great on my belly during a contraction , the rest of my body was getting too cold . Every time I changed positions at all , I would have a contraction , even if I was just at the end of one . Finally , I got back in bed and didn 't feel like getting up again . The nurse checked me and said that I was six or seven centimetres and while she was checking , she broke my water . She said that while I was having a contraction , there was a bulge in the amniotic sac and she just had to loop her finger into it to break it . Things went fast after that was done - I must have gone right to an eight in the next few minutes and soon , I was feeling a lot of pressure ; not quite the urge to push , but I knew it was close . When I mentioned it , the nurse checked me again , found that I was nine centimetres and a minute later , nine and a half , with just a lip of the cervix still there . They called the doctor , told me that she would be three minutes and that I should pant if I felt the urge to push . I think I had two or three contractions before my doctor got there and I was panting through the second half of every one . Finally , my doctor walked in and I was told that I could push . For some reason , unlike when I was in labour with Jenny and Elias , I didn I had no drugs during labour at all , so at this point , I was very aware of what was going on . The were checking the baby 's heart rate off and on , and during contractions , it was going down to 80 or 90 beats per minute . I k ew that this was a bad thing , but I wasn 't sure what to do about it . I l oked down at my doctor and heard her ask for Lidocaine . The nurse told her that I wanted to go without an episiotomy or tears , but my doctor said that the baby needed to be born and she was just going to have to get it out . I k ew right away that I had to do it if I wanted to escape without stitches . The had already seen the baby 's head at this point , so I knew it wasn 't long and with the next contraction , I finally gave it all my strength . Whe he crowned , they coached me through little pushes and panting to keep me from tearing . It as really hard not to just get it over with , but having experienced stitches after an episiotomy and then , when Elias was born , making it out with just a tiny tear , I knew it was worth it for my recovery . Ver soon after he crowned , I pushed his head out and then , even though I could have waited , I pushed his shoulders out as well . The cord was wrapped around his neck a bit , which explained his heart rate dropping . It as 12 : 46 am when he was born - I had been in the hospital about three hours and had only pushed for ten minutes . ted Because of his cord being wrapped , no one said anything to me about whether the baby was a boy or a girl . I had felt like it was a girl , but when I sat up to see for myself , I said to Mike , " Oh , it is a boy ! " So many other people had said it was a boy , but I hadn 't really believed them . Mike had said during my labour that he was hoping for a boy , and I was glad to see that he had gotten his wish . It was amazing being so aware of what was going on that I could sit up to see him at the foot of the bed . I had asked to let the cord pulsate after the baby was born , so they put a towel on my chest and then laid him on top of me . It was amazing , as it always is , that I loved him so fully the moment I saw him . I held him for a few minutes until the cord was definitely done pulsating and then cut the cord myself . Mike had not interest in doing it , but my doctor asked if I wanted to , and I thought it might be a good experience . I wouldn 't jump at the chance to do it next time , but it was neat being so clear headed that I was able to do it . After I cut the cord , they took him and cleaned him up quickly and looked him over to make sure things were good . I think I actually heard his Apgar score mentioned ( which I never have with the other kids ) . My doctor said eight and something about his colour , but I didn 't really care . As soon as he was back with me , I nursed him and he stayed with me for at least forty - five minutes , nursing while I had a snack . He was very awake and making eye contact with both of us for most of the time . It was amazing , because Jenny and Elias were taken away much sooner and were not nearly as alert as Erik was . After he seemed to have enough to eat , Mike took him to have him bathed and weighed and the nurse cleaned me up and moved me to my room . At this point , it was close to two in the morning and I felt bad for my roommate in the bed across from me . Mike came back ten minutes or so later with the nurse and our new little boy . I quickly asked Mike how much he had weighed - I had been expecting a nine pound baby because when Jenny was eight days late , she weighed 9 lb 6 oz . Erik was a week late and after holding him , I knew he wasn 't as big as Jenny had been , but I still thought he had to be bigger than Elias was at birth - 7 lb 4 oz and two and a half weeks early . I had the second shock of the night ( the first being that he was a boy ) when I heard he was only 7 lb 1 oz ! I guess because our nephew was born 5 lb 8 oz so recently ( about five and a half weeks before ) , Erik just didn 't seem small . He was twenty inches long , half an inch shorter than both Jenny and Elias . Right away , we noticed that he had a completely different look than both of our kids . They had looked so different from each other that I thought our third would look more like one or the other . Erik has lighter skin like Jenny , but only a few similar features to Elias . He has lighter hair than both of them and much less than they both did when they were born . Mike went home around three in the morning and I slept off and on through the night , waking up to feed Erik once or twice before breakfast . Mike went to breakfast at his parents house before they went to church and then he came back to be with me . He snoozed on my bed holding Erik while I made phone calls to my family . When I was in labour , we were watching the clock to see if the baby would be born on Saturday or Sunday . When the hands moved past midnight , I knew that I 'd be giving Mike and our dads a great Father 's Day present . My dad had mentioned weeks ago that I should have the baby on Father 's Day , but I brushed the idea away because I didn 't want to be pregnant still . It was also nice being in the hospital Sunday afternoon , because the whole family came all at once to see us after they went to church . My doctor came Sunday morning and actually indicated that I could go home if I wanted to , but I knew that the rest in the hospital would be good for me . I did tell her that I definitely wanted to go home the next morning . With no tears or stitches , I felt really good right away . Monday morning , after a pretty good night 's sleep ( my roommate left Sunday before noon and I had the room to myself the rest of the time ) , Erik had his PKU blood test done and my doctor checked us out and gave us the go ahead to go home . We went home around ten in the morning - I wasn 't even in the hospital thirty - six hours this time ! So far , Erik has been a very happy baby . He eats really well and sleeps for long stretches . He 's also awake for long periods of time , which has been lots of fun for anyone who sees him . He has an intelligent look about him , like he 's really studying things and wondering about the world already . Right from the beginning , it has looked like he wanted to smile at us . I wouldn 't be surprised at all if he does it before he 's a month old . My recovery so far has been great , too . The pain I had after labour went away quickly and other than cramping while nursing , I have felt good since we came home . My milk came in during the night on Tuesday , which was just in time because Erik seemed to be needing more than he was getting . Other than the discomfort coming from some engorgement , my body does not feel like it just went through labour four days ago . This makes me look forward to any future deliveries - hopefully they 'll all be like this one ( or even shorter ) . The great thing is that even though it was a fast labour , it wasn 't really intense . My labour with Jenny was just barely longer than this one , but it was awful right from the beginning . I was very quiet during my labour this time and only yelled a bit when I was pushing . It felt good to have control like that over my reactions to the pain . So , that 's the story of Erik Michael , born June 15 , 2008 . His big brother and sister love him and the whole family thinks he 's pretty cute . I can 't wait to see what he 's going to be like as he grows up . To clarify : What went wrong with my labours before : Jenny was induced at eight days late and I was given demerol twice while in labour with her , once was way too late in my labour because the nurse thought I had hours to go when in fact it was much shorter than she expected . Because of this , Jenny was born with low oxygen levels and had to be woken up to feed ; she couldn 't be snuggled or held close for some time . I also felt incredibly drugged . I 've never been stoned , but I figure that 's what it feels like - it was an awful feeling being out of control . With Elias , I did make it to six centimetres on my own , without feeling anything , but then because his head was high , there was concern that if my water broke , the cord would be flushed out . After an ultrasound determined all of this , I spent six hours in bed labouring , only getting up to use the bathroom , the whole time attached to a monitor and an IV . I had the drug fentanyl during that labour and while it was not nearly as bad as the demerol , it only helped me to sleep a bit between contractions and didn 't seem to take any pain away anyway . So , based on those experiences , it was that much more important to me to do the whole thing on my own and I 'm so glad I did ! I said I wouldn 't post again until I had the baby , but that is because I thought I would have the baby on Wednesday or Thursday . It 's Friday now . No baby . Well , I 'm still carrying it around with me , but on the inside . Wednesday night I had pretty bad contractions , enough to convince me that I must be in labour . I was able to sleep through the night , although I woke up nearly every hour . In the morning , I kept having contractions and a bit more pink mucous . I finally decided that it was bad enough to go to the hospital . I couldn 't imagine going through the day like that and trying to take care of the kids . So we packed them up , drove them to Mike 's parents ' house and went to the hospital . I was put on the monitor for a good half hour and my contractions chose that half hour to stop being intense . A nurse felt around to find the baby 's position and then had another nurse come in to confirm what she thought she felt - that the baby was not head down . That 's just the news I was wanting to hear . So she called my doctor and had some sort of argument with her on the phone ( my doctor was sure the baby was head down on Tuesday ) , but convinced her to come in at noon to check me herself . So I packed up , sent Mike to work and went to pick the kids up . We went to Bible study for almost two hours and then I left and went back to the hospital by myself . My doctor came in and checked things out and said that the head was down . The nurse that had checked me earlier said that it now felt like it was and was significantly different than what she felt in the morning . She did an internal exam as well , said the head was high and didn 't say a word about whether I was dilated or anything . The only thing she said was " it 's nice and long " which I assume means my cervix is long . In other words , not dilated or effaced . So off I went again , picked the kids up and went home to try to have a decent afternoon . Another disappointing thing heard while in the hospital is that I probably lost my mucous plug and was bleedinPosted by Katie I had a dream last night that I lost my mucous plug and I was bleeding . I woke up , went to the bathroom and there was nothing . Drat . I went back to bed , slept for another hour or so and went to the bathroom again . Nothing . Then I ate breakfast , went through my routine with the kids and checking email , etc . and went to the bathroom again ( gotta love a pregnant bladder ) and what do you know ? Something ! A nice bit of mucous that had to be my mucous plug and blood - red blood . I 'm being descriptive again . Just you wait , after this kid is born , you 'll all be cringing at my descriptions of labour . The thing is , if it 's false labour and there is bleeding , it is usually brown . This is definitely not brown . And yes , it can mean that labour is still a day or more away , but still - this means that I should have the baby by the end of the week , rather than having to go through having my membranes stripped or being induced . I literally just prayed for this specific thing moments before I went to the bathroom and made my discovery - God is listening ! So here 's hoping that today will be the day . Apparently , my child decided that coming during the first ten days of the month wasn 't going to happen , but if it 's born today , all three of my kids will have been born on Wednesdays , which I think is pretty cool . You know me , I get joy out of silly things like that . Now the hard part is knowing when to go to the hospital . I 'm not having regular contractions , but rather lots of cramps . I guess I just wait it out at this point . I called Mike and let him know something was happening , and called my mother - in - law to put her on alert for the day . So now I just hope it wasn 't in vain and I don 't have to wait until tomorrow . Oooooh , there 's a nice crampy contraction . Yikes . Let 's just hope I don 't wait too long and end up delivering on the floor in my living room ( or . . my bed or couch , etc . ) . A whole bunch of nothing . Well , so far anyway . I feel sort of silly now for calling Mike and his mom since I haven 't had any indication that anything is going to happen today . I did some work around the house , kept the kids entertained , called my sister , made lunch and went for a walk and still not much of anything . Including more bleeding . The thing is , it seems that if I lost my mucous plug weeks before having the baby , it wouldn 't be so red , it would be brown - ish . Maybe I 'm wrong , but I sincerely hope that I 'm not . It 's okay if this kid doesn 't come until tomorrow or Friday … or sometime before Monday , but if it waits that long , I 'm pretty sure my doctor won 't have any trouble stripping my membranes , and that was something I wasn 't looking forward to . Maybe I 'll have the baby tonight and look back on this and laugh later . I totally did this when I was pregnant with Elias , actually . On the 5th of September , I had some bleeding and then contractions in the evening . When I went in to the hospital , I wasn 't effaced or dilated at all . The next morning , I was giving up and deciding that I 'd just stay pregnant until I was overdue ( since that was still two and a half weeks before my due date ) . Elias was born before seven that night . One of the reasons I 'm waiting to go into the hospital is that when I went in with him , I was six centimetres dilated and they put me on pitocin to get things moving . I was then stuck in a bed for six hours . I really really don 't want that to happen again . Sorry if I 've mentioned this before , but I feel pretty strongly about it . So I 'm waiting for something drastic to happen - my water to break or my contractions to get really bad . Half of the things I read about losing your mucous plug say that if it 's tinged with red blood , or if you have show that is red or pink ( rather than brown ) , labour will start within twenty - four hours . Other sources have said that it could mean labour is still weeks away . At least I know that 's not right . If this kid isn 't Posted by Katie Well , it might be . I 'm not making any promises either way . Today I am two days late and having my membranes stripped . I 'm not looking forward to this procedure , but I am seriously hoping that it works to get my labour started . There are lots of different ways to look at it , and it 's not my ideal start to labour , but if it works and helps me to avoid being induced when I 'm ten or twelve days late , I 'll be happy . If it doesn 't work today , we 'll try again in a week . My hope is that if it doesn 't work , I 'll have the baby before we have to try it again . The best way to describe it , making conclusions from what I 've read , is that it feels like a very very thorough cervical exam . For those of you who have been nine months pregnant and had a cervical exam ( during labour or not ) , it 's not very comfortable anyway . Rather than just reaching in there to see if you 're dilated , though , the doctor reaches in there and spends a few minutes pushing things around . Ouch . I 'm thinking of taking some tylenol pre - appointment , although I 'm not sure if it would do any good . I actually have this hope that my labour will start before my appointment and that when she goes to do it , she 'll find that I 'm four centimetres dilated or something . I 'm pretty certain that this isn 't going to happen , but a girl can hope . The other thing I wanted to share is a picture . I recently put up pictures of myself on Facebook and MySpace that made me look gigantic . My sister - in - law said that they weren 't very true to life , but exaggerated by the shirt I was wearing . So I had Mike take more last night , hopefully for the last time in this pregnancy . There 's one I 'm particularly proud of that I took of just my belly . You can actually see the curve of my back and the wall behind me , so I don 't actually look so huge for once . Anyway , I think that 's what I 'll end on . Hopefully my next entry will include a picture of a baby outside of the womb . My cervix is not ripe . This basically means that my membranes could not be stripped , because my doctor couldn 't get a finger into my cervix ( I know , descriptive , but I happen to know that the majority of my readers are women who have had children , so I don 't care ) . She 'll try again next week , on Monday afternoon , and if that doesn 't work , my induction is scheduled for Friday , June 20th at 8 : 00 in the morning . Woohoo . I desperately hope that I have this kid before I have to be induced . Meanwhile , when I dropped the kids off to my mother - in - law , she said I could just leave them there and she 'd bring them home around four . So they 're having lunch and napping over at her house which leaves me the rest of the day to do whatever . I 'm thinking I 'll go nuts on the nesting ( is it nesting if you know you 're doing it and would rather be taking a nap ? ) in the hopes that I 'll make myself go into labour . At this point , I think I 'd do almost anything . It doesn 't mean anything , it doesn 't mean anything . A due date is just another day in the lives of most pregnant women . Only a very small percentage of women deliver on their due dates . So I 'm going to get over it . Meanwhile , my father - in - law says to hold it in tomorrow because it 's their anniversary . If I remember right , my aunt actually said she would think it was pretty neat if I had the baby that day ( my aunt and uncle share the same anniversary - year and day - with my in - laws ) . However , my mother - in - law is quite busy tomorrow , but said that the rest of the week , she can cancel almost everything she has booked if it 's necessary . She 's going to keep the kids when ( if ) I go in Tuesday to have my membranes stripped . I thought it was a good idea just in case something happens really quickly , which I would love . I 'm trying to think positively and assume that it 's going to work and that I 'm going to have the baby on Tuesday or Wednesday . Of course , with my luck , it probably won 't work , but it 's always a good idea to be optimistic . I think . Yesterday was , I hope , the last weekend day I get stuck with the kids most of the day without much help . We spent the morning running errands and then Mike went to play Axis and Allies at his parents . It 's a very long game , so I was home from just before one until five without Mike . Fortunately , the kids slept for almost three hours and I had a nap as well , and then we drove over to have supper with the family . I expected a nice relaxing evening , but then everyone wanted to play tennis , so we ended up at the courts being bombarded by mosquitos while the kids played in puddles and soaked themselves . Because we drove separately and Mike 's friend needed a ride home , I made it home first and immediately put the kids in the bath . The night wasn 't so bad in the end and we did get to bed early , but I was wiped out at the end of the day . I felt like falling asleep in church this morning and of course had to tell a dozen different people that today was my Until the baby is born , I 'm going to try to write as much as I can , seeing that this is technically a " pregnancy " journal , and therefore will end when I 'm not pregnant anymore . I 'll go back to my messy housewife blog , but I can 't promise any regular frequency since I will have a new baby . I 've actually been trying to decide what to do with this blog , since I titled it " baby number three " and can 't exactly change that . I should have thought ahead , but there 's not much I can do about that now . Once again , I do really seriously hope that this is my last pregnant entry , but you just never know . Apparently my uterus was offended at the letter I wrote and it decided to get me back last night . I had the usual hour or so of contractions after supper when I started feeling cooped up and decided to take a walk . Mike was watching Jumanji with the kids , so it was a good opportunity to go out by myself and see if I could get something happening . I made it half a block when I was already feeling mighty uncomfortable and by the time I got halfway into my walk , I was stopping pretty frequently to bend over or squat to relieve some of the pain . I sat down on a bus stop bench about a block from home to rest and then dragged myself the rest of the way . Mind you , this was not a terribly long walk - I didn 't walk miles or anything , just a few blocks ( okay , I don 't really know how far I walked and I lost track of time , so I can 't even relate that information ) . I got home , collapsed into the rocking chair and spent the next half hour or forty - five minutes breathing and groaning and complaining about my pain . We put the kids to bed in the middle of all that and I still felt pretty bad . Mike went out to mow the lawn and I sat at the computer most of the time he was outside . Little by little , my ridiculously painful Braxton Hicks contractions went away . We went to bed somewhat early , although it took me ages to fall asleep because of my ribs . Today , I 'm tired , nauseated , still having contractions and absolutely no signs that they are " real " contractions . My half hearted joke from yesterday is still floating in my head : " Let 's get on with the bloody show ! " Yeah , Mike didn 't even really laugh , but he 's the one who asked if I was having any yet . I 'm starting to look forward to Tuesday , when I may very well give birth almost on my own . I would still love to have the baby before then , but I 'm having doubts . Meanwhile , the kids decided today would be a good day to be clingy , argumentative ( in the way that a three year old and twenty - one month old can be ) and demanding . At the moment , they 're quietly eating lunch and watching Rugrats for the second time today ( yeah , I 'm weak ; movies are too easy ) . When they 're done , they 'll have a nap and I can lay down or manically clean things , depending on what mood strikes me . What I would really like is one of two things : to go into labour right now or to let someone else deal with the kids for the rest of the day while I climb into bed and feel sorry for myself . And maybe sleep . It seems that I 'm more likely to go into labour than for someone to magically show up at my house just begging to watch my kids . Maybe after the baby is born , but not now . Poor me . Poor pregnant me . First of all , thank you for carrying my two children for me and for holding on to this little one now . Thank you for keeping them safe and warm and not rejecting them or doing anything silly like falling out of me like cow 's wombs sometimes do . I imagine it would be uncomfortable for both you and me . Thank you for putting up with all my poking and prodding ( as well as that of my doctor ) and times when I haven 't been so nice to you ( going nuts with the housework and taking long walks that make you tense up so badly ) . Really , I am thankful , but I have one small request to make . Could you maybe settle down a bit and not bug me so much until you 're actually ready to release the child inside you ? I mean , I thought maybe we were headed somewhere Tuesday night when you were contracting every three minutes and making me stop eating my supper to focus on breathing right . I thought maybe it was the real thing when I was almost groaning in discomfort for two hours on Wednesday afternoon . I know we 've been here before and I know that my mind likes to try to trick me sometimes , too , but I 'm a little bit confused as to why you persist in torturing me so . I mean , do I really need four months of Braxton Hicks ? Do I need a month of double me over false contractions ? I don 't really think so . I guess that 's your call , though , and since I can 't exactly do anything to make you change , all I can do is to beg you to let up a little bit . Or get on with it and get the kid out of me . Whatever . That 's up to you . Thanks for considering my request . I 'll be waiting for a response - or a lack of response . Mike mentioned the other day that even though I 'm sick of being pregnant , I will have the baby this month . It 's one nice thing about being due when I am - I can only really go two weeks late , and that 's still June , so there you have it . I had my appointment today and found out something pretty shocking - I have gained about six pounds in the last week . Yeah , no kidding . I have noticed more back pain and feeling like I 'm suddenly huge , so my suspicion is that the baby and the boobs have grown . At least that 's what I 'm hoping . I 'm also hoping that I have the baby soon , because I did the math , and I 've now gained about thirty - three pounds during my pregnancy . My doctor actually made the first weight related comment today when she said that I was on target for how much I could gain during pregnancy , if I had the baby today . And then she told me not to have the baby today , because the whole hospital , maternity ward included , is packed . When I went for my first appointment in October , the nurse told me that June was a busy month . I mentioned this to my doctor and she said that she has thirteen ! maternity patients due this month . Yikes ! ! And I 'll remind you that this is not a big city . This is Fort St . John , population 18 , 000 - ish . If I remember correctly , the year Jenny was born , someone told me that we have the highest birth rate per capita in British Columbia . For our population , we were having about 250 babies per year , while Metro Vancouver , population around 2 million , was having 1000 babies per year . Yeah , our population is a fraction of the size of theirs and we are having a quarter of the number of babies they are . I 'm sure my statistics aren 't perfect and are somewhat out of date , but still . That 's crazy . Add to that the fact that our hospital is ancient and sucks in a lot of ways , and well , it 's just a lovely place to have a baby . Anyway , she said , " Don 't have the baby today . " I wonder if tomorrow would be okay . It would help me keep up with the Wednesday , first ten days of tFiled in children , doctor 's appointment , pregnancy · Tags : birth rate , family , induction , kids , pregnancy , thirty - nine weeks 1 Comment » Tick tock … I was going to say something about counting the days , now that I 'm down to less than a week before my due date . Then I realized that due dates don 't mean much and the less I think about it , the better off I 'll be . I really , really don 't want to be overdue , but I was with Jenny and it doesn 't seem like this kid is making any effort to move out yet , so I may very well go past my due date . I made it through Jenny 's birthday without giving birth , so one goal has been accomplished . Not that I would have minded having the baby a few days before her birthday , but I was a little afraid that I would have it on her birthday and then my poor kids would have to share a birthday forever . I never have thought that was very fair - it 's similar in my mind to kids born on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day . It becomes very hard to celebrate one without the other and people often end up combining the two to save time and / or money . I know , Jenny 's birthday will be quite close to the baby 's , but at least it won 't be on the same day . My goal right now is to also make it through today without going into labour , since my sister - in - law 's baby shower is tonight . However , after it 's over , I 'm starting in on the self - induction stuff big time . The baby is head down and I think pretty low , I 'm full term and healthy - there 's no reason that I can see not to try to get things going myself . Number one on the list of things to try - nipple stimulation . ( I bet that phrase will get me some unintentional links from search engines . ) I have never used this method in past pregnancies , but a friend of mine said that the one OBGYN we have in town recommended it to her , so I figure it 's a safe bet . It can bring on really strong contractions , so women are supposed to be careful , but I 'm not too worried . It will either work or it won 't . The What to Expect book has a brief blurb in it that says women who started doing it at 39 weeks were much less likely to go past their due dates . That 's enough motivation for me . There are lots of other things I can try , but I 've done most of them and none of them have worked for me in the past . I do want to try to go walking a bit more often as I know it 's good for me , but I 'm not expecting that to push me into labour . And castor oil - something one of my friends swears by and has used , I believe , in all four of her pregnancies - is just way too gross for me . Not only do I hate the thought of swallowing oil , but the effects of it are just not what I want to start labour with . Yeah , let 's spend hours on the toilet emptying out our insides while having strong contractions . Um , no thanks . Meanwhile , the ribs still hurt , but I 'm getting used to it . They are making sleep a bit more difficult , as I think I wake up a bit every time I roll onto my left side . Of course , at this point , I 'm waking up nearly every two hours to pee anyway , so what difference does it make ? I still hurt pretty bad when I sneeze , but I think the cold is going away , so it 's not happening all that often now . I haven 't iced them in a few days and I stopped taking Tylenol , so things must be better . Yesterday was a huge day , but somehow we got through it and didn 't feel totally awful at the end of it . Church in the morning , lunch on the way home , a short nap for the kids , I made a cake and then we had Jenny 's party . We quickly cleaned up after everyone left and ran over to Mike 's company barbeque , where at least we were fed and I didn 't have to be on my feet much at all . Most people are pretty sympathetic to hugely pregnant women , and the hostess actually recruited one of her daughters to keep the kids entertained for some of the time . I expected that we might be there for some time , but by twenty after six , things were wrapped up and the kids were acting pretty grumpy , so we decided to go to a communion service at church . Friends of ours were doing childcare , so I at least was assured that bringing the kids wouldn 't be a bad idea . They got to play with their friends ( who were at the birthday party , too ) and we got to sit in one place for awhile . After that , Mike 's parents were going to McDonald 's , and while we do not buy things or eat things there as a rule , they do have a nice play area , so we headed over after getting drinks for ourselves elsewhere . The kids got to play some more and by the time we got home at nearly nine o ' clock , they were quite obviously in need of sleep . Jenny just had to play with her new toys first , but after fifteen minutes , we got them to bed . I then had some cleaning up to do and Mike took the time to remove all the junk from our room and put it back in the laundry room ( that was how he cleaned it up so that people could come from the backyard into the house … our room was full of laundry room mess ) . I put in some laundry , made Mike a lunch and then read and slept until Mike came to bed . I got a foot massage out of him before we went to sleep , which was a nice treat . It must have been the shoes I was wearing , but my right foot hurt so bad I was walking funny before bed . Anyway , today is my day " off " . So far , I have folded laundry and cleaned up a few things in the kitchen , but I 'm not planning to be terribly productive , just because I wore myself out so badly yesterday . I have movies and books from the library and the kids have new toys and a clean room to play in , so they 're likely to stay entertained pretty easily today . Tomorrow , when I feel like going into labour would be nice , I can start back on things around the house , with hope that cleaning might get things going for me . My big triumph of the day yesterday was the cake I made for Jenny . It was a boxed cake mix ( I had to compromise somewhere ) but with homemade filling and icing . I did a layer of raspberry puree with some sugar and cornstarch to thicken it and a layer of whipped cream in the middle of two layers of chocolate cake . I iced it with pink butter cream frosting and decorated with candy . I have made Jenny 's cakes in the past few years , but this one is definitely my favourite so far . I did some piping on it and really enjoyed that part - it may be something I do more often . Here 's a picture ( yes , I 'm showing off : ) ) : Okay , so literally , doing this hurts , but figuratively , I think it 's what I need to do . I had a decent morning , really . I woke up at nine , which is nice - not too early and had some snuggle time with Jenny before we got up to have breakfast . I started to make her breakfast when the phone rang , which usually throws me when it happens so early . However , it was a good phone call - from the lady who has been more or less running the show at our Thursday morning Bible studies . She is a great - grandmother and I won 't guess at her age , but obviously , having that status does generally make you " elderly " . She defies that title , though , as she is full of perk and incredibly easy to talk to . It seems that once a week now for a few weeks , she has been calling to check up on things with me and to talk about the Bible study and what our plans are for it . I feel priveleged - she 's a fountain of wisdom and a breath of fresh air when I need it . Anyway , I talked to her for some time , made breakfast for Jenny and then for Elias when he woke up , and picked at my cereal while I talked . Just after I hung up the phone with her , close to ten o ' clock , my mother - in - law called and asked if we would come over for coffee on the deck at eleven . I had not even started reading my Bible and had just poured myself a new bowl of cereal ( as the kids ate most of the first one ) . I figured I could probably do it , though , so I said we 'd be there and got on my routine right away . Really , things seemed to go very smoothly until we left the house . The kids got dressed without a hassle , I had a shower that wasn 't even rushed and we got to my in - laws right around eleven . The rest was not quite as nice . Elias decided that getting into things and doing things he wasn 't supposed to be doing would be lots of fun and so instead of enjoying myself and relaxing in the sun , I kept jumping up to stop him from doing one thing or another . My sister - in - law was there with her son and she was asking my mother - in - law about breastfeeding and when sheAnyway , after this mental upset - it 's not like we actually had an argument , it just felt like we were on the edge of one - I brought the kids home and fed them lunch . Jenny wanted applesauce and there wasn 't much left , so I split it between both kids and then made them sandwiches . Jenny first had to throw a small fit because she wanted applesauce and not a sandwich , and then when she was over that , she ate two or three bites of her sandwich and said she was done . I then had to do a great deal of forceful speaking to her to get her to go to the bathroom and to bed . Elias made a gigantic mess with his lunch , so much that I had to just take his overalls off before putting him to bed . And then , as I finally sat down to check my email and have some lunch myself , I can still hear them talking in their room . In fact , right now , forty minutes later , I think I can hear Jenny humming . This does not fare well for the rest of the day , because we are supposed to be going to the lake with the family for supper at four . Some days . |
" I 'll be ready in a minute , Gran , " Neville yelled from the safety of his bed . In reality he wasn 't quite sure if he would ever be ready . Today was the day , the first day at Hogwarts . Until just a few years ago Neville wasn 't even sure he was a real wizard and he still sort of thought it was a long shot . The first time Neville had shown any real magical ability was when he turned eight years old and Uncle Algie decided to " accidentally " throw him out the window . Neville was terrified until he reached the ground and bounced instead of crashed . Even now he gets a little wary whenever he gets too close to a window ledge as the memory itself still makes him nervous . " Well , I know … that umm , " he paused to collect his thoughts . " You wouldn 't have died ; we all knew you had it in you . And at any rate , St . Mungo 's could have patched you right up if it hadn 't worked , " Old Uncle Algie said with complete certainty . " I 'm just so proud of you , Neville ! My grandson is really a wizard ! I mean , I knew you couldn 't be a Squib with parents like yours , but I must admit I was a little worried . Nonetheless , you 've really proved yourself , " Grandma Longbottom exclaimed with an extraordinary amount of pride , speaking to the whole room at large . " You 'll be just like your parents , great wizards they were - and still are ; don 't you forget it . Neville , I know your parents would be very proud of you . How about we make a visit to see them soon ? They were magnificent wizards and you will be too ; I 'm sure of it . Those Death Eaters and He Who Must Not Be Named may have sent them to St . Mungo 's but they are still two of the best wizards of their day . You must always remember that . Yes , it 's settled ; we 'll go to see them tomorrow , " she stated with absolute finality . " Uh … sure , I 'd like to see Mum and Dad . " Neville loved his parents and was proud to be their son but he always felt out of place and like he didn 't know what to say or do when he was around them . He would be sincerely surprised if they showed any sign of being proud ; he wasn 't even sure if they knew who he was . Nonetheless , he cherished those moments with them . Before he left his mother would always give him her Droobles gum wrapper . His grandmother kept telling him to just throw them out , but he never did . He kept all of them in a box in his closet ; he reckoned he had thousands by now , but he just couldn 't get rid of them . Neville wanted to be a great wizard like his parents and had tried with all his might to make some more magic come out of him after the bouncing out of the window incident , but he wasn 't able to do much . One time he thought he might have made a feather twirl across the room , but he was fairly sure that was just the wind . Every day before he got his Hogwarts letter , he was terrified it wouldn 't come at all . He was careful not to mention it but he noticed his grandmother tended to anxiously look out the window and always tensed up when an owl flew by . When an owl finally came with a letter addressed to him , he still thought they might just be sending him a letter to say they were sorry but he wouldn 't be allowed in . His grandmother snatched the letter from the owl and squealed with delight after reading the first line out loud : " Neville Longbottom , we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry . " Then she promptly composed herself and just sort of nodded vigorously in Neville 's direction , which he took to mean that she was proud of him . She hurried off to find her owl so she could tell everyone in the family about it . When she left the room , he shifted over to look at the letter himself . He read every word on it just to make sure it was real , but there was no mistake ; he was going to Hogwarts . He sighed with relief , but he was nervous too . His mind was spinning with questions and different possibilities . Would he get kicked out if they realized he was actually no good at it ? Would he even be able to do one spell ? Would he make his grandmother proud ? After hearing all the amazing stories about his parents he was worried he wouldn 't be able to live up to them . Neville got up , a little reluctantly , from his comfy bed . He walked over to his trunk and saw that his grandmother had already magically packed up all his belongings . There were only three more items to take care of . Neville walked over to his bedside table and picked up the wand his grandmother had given to him the night before . It was his father 's wand . His grandmother nearly cried when she gave it to him , which is saying something because Grandma Longbottom hardly ever cried . Neville picked up the wand and instantly felt a warming sensation , which seemed to be coming from within the wand itself . It was odd ; the magic felt just within his reach but a little distant too , like it knew it was being held by a new owner and was a bit hesitant . Neville inspected it , poring over its every inch with his eyes . It seemed a little worn where his father would have held it and it had a scratch or two . The wand made Neville wonder about his father , the father he only really knew from stories . This was the wand his father had used to perform magnificent magic ; what kind of magic would Neville be able to do with it ? Neville carefully placed the wand in his pocket and then looked to the right of where the wand had been on the table , to the cage that held his toad , Trevor . When his Uncle Algie had heard the news about Neville being accepted to Hogwarts he decided the accomplishment deserved a reward . A few days later , he flooed over to the house holding a medium - sized cardboard box which had several holes in its sides , but the oddest part was the box seemed to be shaking uncontrollably . Uncle Algie stepped out of the fireplace with a shaking box in his hand , soot covering his clothes , and a big smile on his face . He was completely oblivious to the expressions on Grandma Longbottom and Neville 's faces . Neville backed away slightly and stared nervously at the box , which seemed to be jumping right out of his uncle 's hands . Grandma Longbottom looked both shocked and furious to see him standing there , quite unannounced , with some unidentified shaking object . His uncle and his grandmother watched him expectantly for a few moments . " Oh , Neville . Just go and see what it is . It can 't be that bad , " his grandmother urged him . He pushed off the box 's lid and peered inside . Suddenly , a toad sprang out and Neville just managed to catch it before it could try to escape . Neville clutched it in its middle to stop it from squirming and stared at it . The toad seemed to be staring back too , a little puzzled as to who this person holding him was . Uncle Algie gave a honking laugh . " So , do you get it ? It 's a toad because when I threw you out that window - you bounced . " Grandma Longbottom just pursed her lips . " Hmm … so a toad . Well , it seems like a good enough gift to me . It says in the letter that he 's allowed to bring one , " his grandmother said with moderate approval . " Yup , I had a toad myself when I went to Hogwarts . So , boy , what are you going to name him ? " He looked over at Neville who hadn 't said anything yet . " Oh , I get to name him ? " Neville said quietly . His uncle nodded . " Then , I guess I 'll name him … uh … umm … Trevor . " For Neville , Trevor was more than just a pet ; he was a friend and a good reminder that he would not be alone at Hogwarts . His uncle believed in him enough to get him a toad so he really wanted to make his family proud . Neville had gotten into the habit of talking to Trevor about his day before he went to bed every night . Neville kept on losing him , which aggravated his grandmother to no end , but he always ended up finding him again in his room right before he went to sleep . Neville really hoped Trevor would be able to find him if he lost him at Hogwarts . Neville , of course , had some mates , mostly family members , but he felt a special connection to Trevor . Also , none of his mates would be first years at Hogwarts with him . He was especially worried about making new friends . Neville clutched Trevor in his hands and held him up to eye - level . " Trevor , is everything going to be all right ? " Trevor just blinked at him and said nothing . Neville sighed , as he hadn 't been expecting an answer anyhow . At any rate , he hoped that was a good enough answer coming from a toad . Neville put Trevor in his shirt pocket . There was just one more thing to do before he could go downstairs and leave for Platform 9 ¾ . Neville walked over to his closet and stood up on a chair to reach up and take a box down from the very top shelf . He opened the box and ran his hand along all the Droobles gum wrappers . He liked the crackling and crunching sound they made . It was a comforting reminder that they weren 't just gum wrappers ; they were a part of him . He picked one out of the box and put it in his other trouser pocket , the one not holding his father 's wand . He was as ready as he was ever going to be . Neville picked up his trunk and started to lug it down the stairs when he heard his name . He stopped abruptly to see his grandmother crouched down in front of the fireplace talking to one of his relative 's heads . He probably should have said something and it was rude to eavesdrop but they were talking about him . " I just really hope he will do well . For a long time , I really was sure he was a Squib . Luckily , he wasn 't but he hasn 't shown much magical promise since then , " Grandma Longbottom confessed . " Don 't you worry about that . He 's a bright boy and coming from wizards like his parents we all know he will do very well , " the person from the fire assured her . Neville couldn 't tell who it was . " I know , I know . I just wish he were more like his parents . Frank was doing all sorts of magic before he went to Hogwarts . I 've also heard Harry Potter is going to be a first year at Hogwarts this year , maybe if Neville were more like him . All Neville does lately is talk to that blasted toad out in my garden - " there was a crash at the bottom of the stairs , " what was that ? " She turned away from the person in the fire to look at it . " Oh , yeah … sorry , Gran . " Neville walked down the stairs to receive his trunk . His grandmother was standing at the kitchen table putting out some breakfast for him and the face in the fireplace was gone . There was no evidence that it had been there at all . " Well , maybe you could try to do a spell with it , just a small spell . I know it 's against the rules but I 'm sure it would be fine , " she said . She didn 't look directly at him as she said it but was clearly waiting for his answer . " Yes , right , right you are . You 're a good boy , already sticking to the rules . Completely right , " she said with a sense of approval but she also seemed the tiniest bit disappointed . " Neville , come here and eat your breakfast . You 're going to need a full stomach ; it 's a long train ride . " Neville walked over and slowly ate his breakfast while his grandmother watched him . " Well , that seems like enough , " she announced . Neville got up to get his trunk . " Now , Neville , I want to say a few things to you before we leave . " Neville turned back to her , waiting for the speech . " Hogwarts is a magnificent school and you will learn a lot there . I absolutely expect the best from you . Respect your teachers and do all your work . I expect you to get good marks . I will not tolerate the school sending me any letters informing me that you have broken the rules or are misbehaving in any way . There are school owls you can borrow and I expect to get some post from you of course , " she paused and looked at Neville with just a glint of grandmotherly love in her eye , " and we are all very proud of you . Never forget who you are , Neville . You are the son of two magnificent wizards and I know you will do everything in your power to uphold the family honour . " Neville just gulped and nodded in response . " Good , now that that 's settled , let 's head off to the train . We do not want you late to the train on your very first day . " Hannah smiled to herself and followed her parents through the maze that was King 's Cross Station . Her mother was a Muggle so there were still a lot of aspects of the magical world that confused her to no end . She definitely didn 't pretend to understand most of it but she loved magic just as much as any witch would . As Hannah walked with her parents she tuned out their conversation and instead thought to herself about the amazing new adventure she was about to begin . She loved her home and all the Muggle friends she would be leaving behind , but she was excited for new experiences and could hardly wait to perform her first spell . Hannah and her family lived in a Muggle town just outside of London but they were more often than not found in the magical world hidden inside the city , particularly Diagon Alley . London was her playground . She was always ready to explore new parts of her two worlds . She especially loved meeting new people , though her parents were often wary of the many strangers she chose to talk to . That was one thing Hannah was definitely not worried about , making new friends . Her best mate was already going to Hogwarts with her and she was sure to make a lot of new ones as well . Hannah was shaken from her thoughts when she and her parents arrived at the space between Platforms 9 and 10 . Hannah 's mother immediately began looking for the supposed " Platform 9 ¾ , " then suddenly stopped swiveling around and exclaimed , " Oh ! I can 't see it because I 'm a Muggle , right ? " A few Muggles standing nearby waiting for the train to arrive at Platform 10 looked at her strangely . Out of the corner of her eye Hannah saw a man mouth , " Muggle ? " and twirl his finger in circles around his ear to suggest her mother was crazy . Hannah laughed outright , but her father just smirked and said , " No . That 's not exactly it . " Then he dramatically paused and said in a matter - of - fact sort of way , " You 're actually supposed to run straight through the wall . Didn 't I mention that ? " If Hannah hadn 't been so distracted by the phrase herself she probably would have told her mother she looked a lot like the family owl when it accidentally slammed into the newly cleaned windows at the house in its hurry to deliver a letter the other day . Reginald , or Reggie as Hannah liked to call him , was an excellent owl but Windex had a special magic of its own that day . Hannah probably would have said all this if it had come to mind at the time , but instead she looked just as surprised as her mum and loudly exclaimed , " You never said that ! " Then she stared at the wall between Platform 9 and 10 and started to chant , " I get to go through the wall ! I get to go through the wall ! " until she noticed the Muggles nearby gawking at her and erupted into a fit of giggles . The Leaky Cauldron was a special place for the Abbott family and a sort of inside joke as well . The Leaky Cauldron was the very first magical place Hannah 's father had brought her mother and she had loved it right away . She loved that it was hidden in a place she had walked by thousands of times . Being able to see the Leaky Cauldron changed the way she saw everything . To this day she still claimed it to be her favorite thing about the magical world . Despite his many attempts to impress her with other magical surprises , she constantly insisted nothing could top the Leaky Cauldron . Hannah had basically grown up there . It was there she had taken her first steps and it was also there she had first performed wandless magic . One time , when she was six years old , she really wanted to go to Fortescue 's for ice cream after the Leaky Cauldron but her parents said no . She was so upset she accidentally levitated their bottles of butterbeer and dumped the drinks over their heads . Instead of getting mad at her , her dad rushed over to give her a big hug and her mum shrieked from both surprise and delight , and then ran around the table to hug her as well . Hannah was really happy too , especially when they decided to reward her with a big bowl of her favorite ice cream , Chocolate Frog Paradise . The Leaky Cauldron was Hannah 's home away from home and she still couldn 't quite imagine being away from it for so long . Just that morning the Abbot family had visited the Leaky Cauldron for one last goodbye before they left for King 's Cross Station . " Already ready , Hannah - lo - shanna ! Come and get it ! " She skipped up to the counter to get her plate . As soon as she touched it , a steaming bowl of the famous Leaky Lemon Pepper Chicken Noodle soup appeared on it , along with a warm biscuit and a mug of butterbeer . She loved the food at the Leaky Cauldron because it had this magical way of warming her from the inside out and instantly cheering her up on even the worst of days . " How nice to see you three this fine morning . I 've heard it 's an extra special one , right ? Hannah 's first day of Hogwarts . I 'm sure you 'll have a splendid time , dear , " Ms . Hornby said . Ms . Hornby was the sweetest old woman Hannah had ever met and she basically thought of her as a third grandmother . " Hannah 's first day at Hogwarts ! Do you remember when we had our first date here ? " said Hannah 's mother , addressing her husband but saying it just loud enough so everyone could hear . The other regulars smiled into their food and Hannah just rolled her eyes . " Now , dear , let your parents relive the memory . It 's such a nice one . I 'm quite sure you 'll miss hearing the story when you 're off at Hogwarts . You may even start retelling the story to your friends when you get homesick , " Ms . Hornby jokingly scolded her . Ms . Hornby pretended to ignore Hannah and instead turned to her mother , " Really ? So you two had your very first date here ? How sweet ! " Then she winked at Hannah and they both smiled as Hannah 's mum began . " Well , we had actually gone on several dates before then but the Leaky Cauldron was special . It was our very first magical date . The day before we came here he decided to tell me he was a wizard . " Hannah 's father laughed and cut in . " Actually , I wasn 't quite planning on telling her . It was a bit of a surprise for the both of us . She accidentally walked in on me while I was doing a colour - changing spell on my tie . " They both knew exactly where to pause and when the next person should speak . It was a well - rehearsed speech by this point and Hannah knew all the lines just as well as they did . As her mother continued she began to mouth the words out of habit . " I overestimated my commute to his apartment and was about ten minutes early ; the door was slightly ajar so I just decided to let myself in . I pushed the door aside and was about to knock , but then I noticed him in front of the mirror waving a stick around with a very thoughtful look about him . I was fairly confused as to why he was randomly holding a stick , but I was much more perplexed as to how his tie had suddenly changed from blue to green . " She smiled at the funny memory . " I was always nervous before a date with her and I wanted to make sure my tie was just right . I was so focused on my tie I hadn 't even heard her come in . I finally stopped staring at it and was in the middle of another spell when I glanced up and saw her behind me in the mirror 's reflection . I started sputtering random , incoherent phrases while she just stood there gawking at me , but then she started grinning . My face was completely red and my tie was now an awful , muddy mixture of green and maroon ; I looked like a complete and utter idiot but she just stood there smiling at me as if nothing odd had just happened . " Ms . Hornby chuckled loudly . She tried to disguise it as a cough , but it was no use . Hannah had moved from muttering the words under her breath to acting out the story with wild gesticulations . When she clutched her heart in an imitation of her mother 's first realization of love , Ms . Hornby couldn 't quite hold it in any longer . Hannah 's mother glanced their way and then as if oblivious urged Hannah 's father to continue with the story , but she was holding back her own laughter as well . Hannah 's father continued , " Well , I was an utter wreck , but that smile changed everything . I just looked at her and knew I could trust her with my secret . I stopped trying to explain it away and instead simply explained it , all of it . " " I was confused , really confused , but I believed him and I told him I wanted to know more . I wanted him to show me . I could believe the spells and the wand and all that but I was still unsure about the idea of an entirely different world right under my eyes , " she paused , " then he brought me here . " " He led me down random London streets and then we stopped at a broken - down , decrepit building called the ' Leaky Cauldron , " ' she accentuated her initial disdain of the name by making air quotes . " I specifically remember thinking , ' Leaky ? Is this place even sanitary ? ' I have to admit I was sort of disappointed because I thought he was going to bring me to some sort of magnificent place oozing with magic , but this place seemed to be oozing in a completely different way . " This was Hannah 's favourite quote . Her father taught her at a young age that , indeed , not everything is as it seems . Hannah was always waiting for the next amazing or surprising part of magic to knock her off her feet . Magic was anything but ordinary and that was exactly what she loved about it . " He told me he would need to perform a spell on me and I was nervous , but it was that tingling kind of nervousness that makes you want to dive right in . He said the words ' Revelus a Muggleus , ' then told me to open my eyes and take a few steps forward . As I walked towards the building , its outer appearance transformed before my eyes and I saw a quaint little pub where the run - down building had stood before … " Hannah had stopped listening to her parents retell the story she had heard so many times before , and instead her mind roamed as she looked at her surroundings , attempting to put it all to memory . The pub was dimly lit and shabby ; it looked as old as it actually was , but Hannah loved that about it . It had a history and she was a part of it . Besides the pub , there were also some comfy rooms upstairs in the inn . One year , her parents rented out one of the rooms for her birthday . This was the place she was going to miss the most . She loved her home , but the Leaky Cauldron held so many memories for her and her family . Even though she would miss it she knew she had to say goodbye for a little while , and she was excited to for all the memories she would make at Hogwarts . As they left , Ms . Hornby gave Hannah a big hug and passed her a box of fudge for the train ride . Tom waved goodbye with his free hand while he was polishing some glasses and yelled out , " Hannah - magic - girl - annah , you 're going to have a great time ! " Hannah smiled and waved animatedly , and then she walked out the door . Eventually Hannah 's father decided they had had enough fun and should probably go through to the other side before they missed the train , but as soon as they turned around they saw the same group of Muggles and a few others outright glaring at them for their odd disturbance and this started up a whole new round of laughter . Between chuckles her dad suggested they walk in the other direction for a few minutes until the Muggles had boarded their train . Hannah and her mum nodded their heads and they all stumbled away , covering their mouths and attempting to suppress their laughter . Their laughter finally subsided after the Muggles had safely boarded their train . " Now , we really need to get to the train , " Hannah 's father insisted . " It 's leaving in about , " he looked at his watch , " 8 minutes . Hannah , you go first . I need to perform the spell on your mother so she can go through . " She looked both ways to make sure no Muggles would see her and then she ran at the wall and closed her eyes . It was an odd sensation ; she did not just pass through the wall like a ghost might , but she suddenly became part of the rock , her body solidifying for less than half a moment and then passing right through to the other side . Magic made her feel like she was part of something bigger , something more than herself . It was everywhere ; you just had to know where to look and she would keep on looking because she didn 't want to miss a moment of it . As soon as she entered Platform 9 ¾ she was engulfed by bright colours and noises . The train was huge and unmistakable due to its brilliant red hue . The train 's engine roared somewhere to her left . There were people everywhere saying their last goodbyes to their parents and carrying their bags and owl cages onto the train . Hannah closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of owls hooting , the train engine roaring and the murmur of everyone 's voices milling together . Then , a boy accidentally knocked into her and she was abruptly shaken out of her reverie . The boy muttered , " Sorry … " and then rushed off . He seemed to be looking for something as he kept ducking his head to look between people 's legs . Hannah watched him and wondered what on earth he could be searching for . She was about to go and ask him when an old woman wearing an awful hat with a stuffed vulture on top of it came up to the boy and told him to stop making a scene . The boy looked down at his shoes . It seemed like he was always looking down , even though she , quite obviously actually , craned her neck to see what was going on , she couldn 't really make out what the boy 's face looked like . " Gran , I 've lost my toad again , " * he said , wincing as if she might yell at him ( 94 ) . She didn 't scream or yell . She just sighed and said " Oh , Neville " * ( 94 ) . She was about to walk off , but he continued staring at his shoes . Walking back , she put a hand on his shoulder , " I 'm sure you 'll find him . You always do . Now , get on the train , " she smiled at the boy reassuringly and squeezed his shoulder , " Hogwarts awaits . " Hannah finally looked away when she heard someone calling her name . " Hannah ! What took you so long ? " She looked up to see her best mate Ernie Macmillan yelling from one of the train 's compartment windows . " Yeah , well it 's a long train ride , " Ernie countered . He grinned at her and looked behind her shoulder . " Hey , Mr . and Mrs . Abbott . How are you two ? " Hannah 's mother blushed . " That 's so sweet , Ernie . They 're hardly famous , but I will definitely make sure to send some in my next package to Hannah . " The train would be leaving soon , so Hannah 's parents hugged her tightly and told her how much they would miss her . " Don 't worry , I 'll be home for the Christmas holidays and we 'll be back at the Leaky Cauldron in no time ! " she assured them . She let go and waved goodbye as she jumped up onto the train to join Ernie . All thoughts of the boy with the lost toad escaped her mind as she and Ernie began to construct ideas on what Hogwarts might be like . The other students in their compartment chimed in and soon everyone was both excited and nervous , but most of all curious of what the future might hold . Today was the mark of a new chapter in their lives . A / N : I hope you all like it ! This is my first fan fiction but I have wanted to write one for a really long time . I love the idea of Hannah and Neville getting together . I will attempt to stay as close to canon as possible to give their love story justice . I have the entire plot planned out so now I just need to write it . I can 't promise really quick updates but I 'll try my best despite my busy college schedule . 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According to my weather bar , it is supposed to be snowing right now , but it looks like we haven 't had any snow since last night . I think it must get it 's information from the airport which is several kilometers away from town , because it very often shows different weather than what we have here . It lies on a higher plateau , so that may make the difference . The world is white and lighter and brighter , and so far the snow is pretty . We don 't have any treacherous ice yet . I 'll have to go out in it in a while to walk Tyke and test the conditions . I 'll wear my sturdy cowboy boots , those are the best ones I 've got at the moment . I wore my ankle boots yesterday , but snow got in them and my socks got wet . The snow falls on Tyke 's outer fur and he easily shakes it off and doesn 't really get wet . He 's well insulated . I 've slept well . I went to bed at 11 o ' clock and woke up at 6 : 30 this morning . That 's not a heck of a long sleep , but it 's enough for me . I feel I 've done well if I 've slept that many hours . It did take one cup of coffee to wake me up properly and another one to get me started well . I think I could have stayed in bed a while longer , but I was too eager to get up . As it is I 'm dawdling now and the morning is moving along steadily . The parents have already come by and taken their children to school . The kids were making snowballs as they went along . Tyke 's looked at them full of curiosity and he 's now sitting in front of the window looking at the white world . No doubt he wants to go out in it . It has started snowing lightly . I wonder if the Exfactor will be able to get through it on his motorcycle . I assume the major thoroughfares are clear . I don 't want him to break his neck just to get here , but he always managed it last winter . I think he sees it as a challenge . I do need groceries and my bike does need to get fixed . Unfortunately , he was not able to get that done when he was here yesterday . All for the lack of the proper tools . I do an awful lot of daydreaming when I write a post . I spend more time daydreaming than I do writing . Whatever subject I write about , causes a long string of thoughts to unravel in my mind and before you know it , I 'm someplace far , far away . It 's amazing the amount of stuff I deal with when I do that . It must have some purpose . I assume these things need to be thought about and that they are subjects that I normally would not get around to putting much thought to . I look outside and see that , for the sake of fashion , some people are hopelessly under dressed for this weather . They wear everything just a bit too tight and too short and too open . You know they must be cold . I 'm going to get dressed myself and walk the dog . We 'll get dusted by the snow and it will be nice . Have a nice day ! Because it 's Sunday , I had a convoluted day . I spent a lot of the night awake and slept all of the morning . I didn 't get up until 1 pm and took my time getting my act together . I was very much discombobulated and needed two tranquilizers to settle down . Then I took the dog for a walk in the icy cold . Although the sun was shining , there was frost on everything , but the cold air felt good on my face and I was dressed warm enough . The dog doesn 't seem to be bothered by the cold at all , but then he does have on his own winter coat . That 's why I don 't want to get him trimmed right now , but I am going to have to consider it next month when it is going to get too long and some of it is going to have to get cut off . Maybe he can get partially trimmed and not as severely as he was the last time . I think he 's going to be too cold if it is . I need to get back to a normal schedule tonight , because tomorrow regular life starts again . It 's okay to be careless for a little while , but I can 't keep doing it . I do have to have structure and having a normal night 's sleep is one of the things that comes with it . I don 't actually enjoy being off my normal schedule like I used to . I do appreciate sleeping through the night . I have a better day if I do . Getting up in the middle of the night is not the thrill it used to be , but then again , I may have made that claim before . The sun is going down and it is getting cold in here . I 've just turned up the thermostat . I 'm shivering in my thinner cardigan . I decided to wear it , because the other one was to warm , I thought . I think I 'll make myself a cup of hot chocolate to heat up my insides . It would be nice if I had marshmallows to put in it , but that 's wishful thinking . I 'd probably finish the bag of marshmallows before I 'd finish the package of chocolate mix . It would still be nice , though . I 'm just now beginning to feel normal . All this time I 've felt that I 've been in a bad dream that I could not wake up from . I must have finally got back to my senses . It sure took long enough . I feel liCiao , Nora The day has gone by quickly and already it is the end of the afternoon . The day has been overcast almost all day and it didn 't get warmer than 34F degrees . Still , I did not experience that as cold and I think I 'm just getting used to it , although it may be the absence of any wind that may have something to do with it too . The sun is about to set and I will have to turn the lights on in the living room . The domestic help has been here and left me with a clean apartment . She folded the dry laundry and did the dishes , unasked for . She 's a bundle of efficiency . She cuddles Tyke and plays with him and Tyke is crazy about her . He eagerly waits behind the front door when she 's rung the intercom and nearly jumps in her arms . Then he runs and gets one of his favorite toys and shows it to her proudly . The first thing Tyke does , after she 's vacuumed and mopped the living room floor , is get all his toys that have been gathered in one spot and distribute them all over the clean floor . It 's hilarious and we always end up laughing about it . He doesn 't like all his toys neatly in one place . We 're supposed to trip over them and pretend it 's an obstacle course . The dog gets spoiled by every woman who enters this apartment and he loves all of them . He likes their good smells and their happy , light voices and their soft hands . He thinks they all come here especially for him and can 't wait to bond with them . What he wants more then anything is a belly rub , but any kind of attention will do . Just being talked to makes him happy , but he loves a good perfume . He 's crazy about any woman who smells good . One of my personal helpers always wears very good perfumes and Tyke very much would like to lie in her lap and never move from there . Gandhi is just happy if she didn 't get locked up in the same room with the vacuum cleaner , because she is scared of it . She does return as soon as it 's turned off , because she is a member of the tribe and doesn 't want to feel left out . She is very much a people cat and likes to be in the presence of company . Posted by I got up early , though I had not gone to sleep until 10 pm , and doubtlessly that means I will have to take a nap later today . I may try to stay up and save any tiredness that I feel for the nighttime and try and sleep really well then . I 'll have to wait and see how well I do today . Someone mentioned , on an other blog , that your need for sleep changes as you get older and that you need less of it at night . It would be nice if I could blame my short nights on that . I remember my parents always needing a nap in the afternoon as they got older . Maybe that applies to me . Maybe I am an older person now , though I would hate to think of myself that way . Maybe it is all a very personal matter and it depends on your individual internal clock and how it is set . Mine seems to be set for shorter nights , with an occasional exception , and naps in the afternoon . I 'm sure there is no good or bad or right or wrong , but just a system that works well for each person . You have to accept what works for you and live with that , as long as you get enough sleep in the end and you don 't do all of it during the day , like I was doing for a while because of the tranquilizers . I had a very satisfying session with my SPN yesterday morning in which I closed the chapter of my first marriage , because I think I 'm done with it . I 've gained a lot of understanding about it and about my own role in it . I can look back and see how events unfolded and why things happened the way they did and why it ended the way it did . I 've been relieved of a huge burden that I carried with me for a lot of years and that really weighed me down . I 'll be moving on to the next chapter and that is my marriage to the Exfactor , which needs to be discussed , though it is not nearly as pressing as my first marriage was . Having said that , I wonder what 's going to come to the surface in those talks , because a lot of things happened in our marriage that are not so admirable from the side of either party . There 's not going to be a blaming game going on . Just an attempt at understandCiao , Nora It 's early in the morning and I 'm completely awake and ready to go and tackle anything that 's worth tackling . I 've had my second cup of coffee and barely had any cobwebs in my mind when I woke up . I 'm just about to pour my third cup and have a good sit down here . My sore upper back is still sore , but it isn 't nearly as bad as it was yesterday . At least the sharp pain is gone and it is now a dull ache . I think one more painkiller ought to do the trick . I 've visited Facebook and did the necessary socializing there . I don 't do a lot of it , but mainly keep in touch with family and relatives and the friends that are ' real ' friends . People who care and keep in touch one way or the other . I do appreciate that , those little tokens of affection . A person needs all the strokes they can get . I think that 's what this socializing is all about . Mutual strokes . I must get better at it myself . I do think it teaches you to be less self centered . I 've got to go see my SPN today and I 'm more than ready to . I want to continue the work that I was doing on my first marriage , but I think I made a lot of headway already . I think I can come to a rounding off now , unless I 'm very mistaken and there 's a lot more beneath the surface . We will see . Whatever I have done so far has helped me tremendously and I can tell that by the nature of my dreams . They are far less sad and frustrating and are taking a far different turn . I 'm even starting to dream about the Exfactor now . Maybe that marriage will be next on the program , although I feel less traumatized by it . I think that maybe the Exfactor got traumatized in it more than I did . I must find out about that . Since today is Wednesday , my appointment with my SPN is the only one in my agenda . I will not be seeing anyone else . I will have to do some laundry and straighten out my desk . I need to go through the paperwork that 's stacked on it and see what can go . There are many odds and ends lying there that need to be organized and looked at and put a way or tossed out . I also have to try and get thCiao , The day is unfolding little by little . Between each scene I take a time out . I do that with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and some time spent pondering about what 's happened and what 's coming up next . Mostly I feel very pleased , because the day is unfolding pleasantly , although I am only halfway there yet . I know the rest of it will be fine too . I feel it in my wind swept bones . Before my personal helper got here this morning , I did the chores and I did them with good humor and not at all frustrated because I had to do them , like I sometimes do . I owe this to the fact that I have stopped taking a tranquilizer in the morning that always made me feel so tired and like going back to bed . Now I have energy and I 'm not dragging myself from room to room trying to get things done hopelessly . It really does make a difference . I put clean sheets on the bed and put the dirty sheets in the washing machine immediately . They will have to stay in there for a while , though , because I have a load of laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom . I can only handle one load at the time , or I would have to get another rack that I could hang over one of the doors and dry more laundry on it . It would work , but it isn 't all that necessary that all the laundry gets dried at once . I 'm not running an orphanage , after all . It is just a one person household . I got the whole apartment straightened out and ready for the domestic help , so she would be able to clean it without there being any stuff lying around that was useless and in the way . Cleaning up Tyke 's toys is the biggest challenge , because as soon as I do , he drags them all out again and distributes them across the living room floor . He 's just like a little kid that way . And to think that I ordered more toys for him . I made a fresh pot of coffee when my personal helper got here and took a shower and put on a new set of double layered clothes . She had warned me that it was cold outside , but I had already noticed that when I stood by the back door to let Tyke out . I had to wait for my psychiatrist to call me before we were able to go for a walk and he called promptly at noon . He asked me how the decreasing of the tranquilizers was going and I told him that I had it down to one pill during the day , but that it had not been as easy as I had thought it was going to be . I had missed them . We made an appointment for next week at which time we 're going to discuss decreasing my dose of anti - psychotics , which is going to be scary and I 'm honestly going to tell him that . I 'm a hero on socks , as we say here . The implication should be clear . We took Tyke for a walk in the cold wind , therefor our walk was not very long , but long enough for Tyke to take care of all of his needs . It 's not only time for thick winter coats , but for gloves and hats as well . I worry about my hair and the scrunched up state it gets in from wearing a hat . Vanity does prevent me from doing it yet . I 'll have to suffer from a cold head . It 's tough trying to be a fashionable woman at my age . I don 't look good in hat hair . The domestic help has been here in the meantime and we had ourselves a good old chat while she did her work . We also drank coffee and smoked cigarettes even though she 's not supposed to , but I 'm not going to tell . She 's got two little boys and she tells me stories about them that bring tears to my eyes from pure emotion , either from laughter or compassion or a mixture of both . I 'm easily moved . Of course , I 'm in a much better state of mind to be moved too , now that my emotions are not dulled by the tranquilizers . I 've got a lovely clean apartment and I 'm going to keep it that way . I do feel incredibly spoiled . The quality of my life has improved so much since these people have come into it . I never want to go back to how it used to be . I pray to Allah / God / Buddha / Wotan that I will always be this lucky . Everybody deserves a break and I was certainly ready for mine . I 've got to walk Tyke if he 's ready to go . I think he 's sound asleep , but we 'll see . One movement from me can mean the end of that . He does have his alert ears on , even when he 's taking a nap . It 's early on a Sunday morning and I 'm having my second cup of very delicious coffee . For some reason it turned out really well today , so I must have had the magic touch when I put the ground coffee into the filter . Maybe slightly carelessly scooping is the best way to do it , instead of carefully measuring each spoonful . I was in a hurry when I made the coffee , because I was impatient for a cup and I couldn 't make it quick enough . Luckily , the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my nice hot cup of coffee in no time at all . It just seems to take a while when you 're waiting , but that 's when you have to find a way to amuse yourself instead . I did that by answering emails . That 's usually the first thing I do in the morning , though I 'm barely capable of it at first because of the cobwebs . I do manage to fake it until I make it , I think , because I go about it very slowly , unless the answers are very simple . I went to bed very early last night . I realized that I was grumpy because I was tired and in need of sleep . I had no patience left for anything or anybody . I made myself a glass of black berry milk and took that to bed with me and listened to the radio . I made sure that Tyke and I had some quality bonding time , which he was in need of , and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep . Gandhi was sleeping beside my pillows . I suppose that yesterday was a perfectly uneventful day . I paid bills and got my paperwork in order and found out how poor I was . That 's always good to know for the rest of the pay period . Then you know how much you have left to spend on groceries . God forbid that you should eat too much . I had planned to take a nap in the afternoon , but I never did get around to that . I suppose I wasn 't sleepy enough and wanted to save whatever there was for the nighttime . I walked Tyke when he needed to get walked and sat behind the computer . I did some chores , but there weren 't that many to do that were urgent and I will finish today what I didn 't do yesterday . I have to put clean sheets on my bed and I do wCiao , Nora It is early in the evening and I woke up a while ago from a long nap in my bed . I took my one and only tranquilizer that I now take during the day this afternoon , and as a result I got very sleepy and couldn 't stay awake . So this is the amount of sleepiness that I had been fighting three times a day , every day . It 's a good thing that I finally started to question that and that I no longer blamed it on the amount of sleep that I got at night . I was putting things in the wrong order . It wasn 't because I didn 't get enough sleep during the night that I was sleepy during the day . It was because I was so sleepy during the day that I didn 't get enough sleep during the night . I hope that makes sense , because it does to me . It was like putting the wagon in front of the horse . Anyway , I am doing this with the blessing of my psychiatrist , so that is good . I 've learned not to do anything with my medicines without first consulting my psychiatrist . I do have to trust him in this area of expertise and not think I know it all . I 've had the tendency to think that I know it better , but I really do have to learn to trust somebody else when it comes to these things . I have this stubborn streak in me that makes me want to figure out things on my own and it just isn 't necessary . I have to learn to trust other people and their knowledge . I guess I didn 't learn that when I was a kid or in another period of my life . It is possible that I have been around a lot of incompetent people . Or people that weren 't trustworthy . I suppose I haven 't felt safe enough before . Well , after that statement I hardly know what to write , because it put me on a whole different train of thought far , far away . I will try and come back to the reality of today and rejoin the present human race . I always think of all these humans racing around doing their jobs and chores and activities , trying to keep up with themselves and each other , one even crazier than the other , all in the human race for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that 's as elusive as the rainBut that 's just an aside , I don 't have all the answers either . I used to reach for the rainbow myself . I was chasing that pot of gold as fervently as the next person . Enough already with the memories ! This is not the time or place for them . I do have to stay in the here and now . It 's a better place to be . It must be possible to write a post without daydreaming and sinking away into memories of a long ago life . Why do they hit me so much when I write a post ? Is it because I refer to something ? Is it that simple ? It 's a long time ago since I 've done as much daydreaming as I do now . I used to do it all the time and think of it as a normal part of me , but I 've very much rejected it as an unhealthy exercise . Now it seems to happen constantly , even when I 'm preoccupied with something else . I started reading again today and I do notice that if I pay attention well enough to what I read , I don 't daydream , but the book really has to capture my imagination . I 'm reading a novel by Doris Lessing and her writing is so good that it does . It seems that I can drink fruit juice again . I had some this morning and it agreed with me and I 'm having some right now without any problems really . I 'll have to wait and see what happens during the night , but it would be nice if I could drink it again instead of all the milk that I drink . I do need some other vitamins too and it is thirst quenching . It 's not early in the evening anymore . I 've wasted a lot of time . I 'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe . I can stay up late , though , because it 's the weekend . Ciao , Nora I 'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and my umpteenth cigarette . It 's not so very early in the morning , because I slept well and didn 't go to bed too early last night . I watched an episode of Inspector Frost that I had not seen before and I was totally fascinated by it and had to watch it till the end . It was a very satisfying episode and I 'm glad I stayed up for it . Good triumphed over evil in the end , but at what cost ? There are always double layers in these British detective series . That 's what makes them so good . It makes them better than any Dutch detective series . The British are the best . There are no obvious heroes . Only understated ones . This morning one of my personal helpers is coming . The one who usually comes on Mondays , except that she couldn 't come this past Monday . So now I will have a personal helper two days in a row , because the one for tomorrow is also going to be here that day . My luck knows no boundaries . What will I do with all that attention ? How will I keep them amused ? I always feel that I need to pull a rabbit out of a hat . It 's not so much what they can do for me , as what I can do for them . I suppose I better not worry about it too much ahead of time and let the morning unfold as it comes . I 'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and will be as long as it takes me to write this and do some chores . If I have to greet her in it , then so be it . It 's a fact of reality that I 'm a slow poke in the morning and can 't get started faster than my system allows . I do require a certain amount of starting up time . I can 't force myself into overdrive until I 'm ready for it , otherwise I 'll turn into an unorganized grouch . I 'm drinking my third glass of cold milk due to being extremely thirsty . I have the refrigerator set on high so the milk is extra cold . I would like to drink some cold juice , but due to my recent experience with it , it seems smarter not to . I don 't want to get heartburn . That does take the fun out of any kind of food or drink . It isn 't until I drink my third glass of milk that I think I will go sit down in my armchair for a while until I feel better and then maybe walk Tyke if I have time . Ciao , Nora Posted by I 'm not quite awake yet , but pretending to be . I 'm waiting for the coffee to get done and in the meantime , I 'm having some milk . I tried to drink some juice , but my stomach violently protested and didn 't want it . It was too acid , even the mild kind . I will not make that mistake again . I 'm sure it has been the cause of the acid reflux I have been having at night . I had not put one and one together , but now I see the link . As a reaction to that , I have been sleeping on my back and not on my side anymore , because that seems to make it worse . It 's as though things get squashed and my esophagus doesn 't seem to like that . I 'm having my coffee now and a pleasure it is indeed . I expect to be fully functioning any minute . The coffee is mild too , because I don 't make it as strong anymore , and I drink it with plenty of milk . It 's not a cafe au lait , but it 's getting close to it . It does make me burp , but nearly anything does nowadays , so that 's nothing unusual . I think I have to invest in a bottle of Maalox . The pharmaceutical industry must be doing alright . It may be something to invest my precious money in . It was cold during the night , but I had the thermostat set low and the heater did not go on . It 's still warm enough in the apartment , despite the cold outside . As a matter of fact , I was very warm under my duvet and woke up sweating , and on top of that , Tyke climbed on my chest so I could hardly breath , but he saw it as a moment of complete togetherness . That 's when I thought I had better get up . Gandhi was lying beside my head and things were getting a little bit too cozy . The animals do pick their opportune moments to show their love and affection . I 've never had it so good . When I got up , Tyke wanted to go outside , but I know he only wants to go hang out there and sniff around and not come back in for a long time , so I completely ignored him and he laid down on the sofa , slightly miffed . He and Gandhi are curled up together being peaceful now . I don 't know how long my peace and quiet are going to last . Today is actually the day I 'm going to see my SPN , it was not yesterday like I thought . I had the day wrong in my memory and had to check my agenda to find out . Probably it is better that I see her today , because yesterday was not such a successful day and I wasted a lot of it doing absolutely nothing but feel low and uneasy . It was one of those days in which I very much doubted my own capacity to make it through life successfully and when my belief in myself was very low . I suppose that everybody has days like that and that you just have to get through them in the best possible way and go to sleep and hope that the following day will be better . It proved to be right and I do feel better this morning and it is only with uneasiness that I look back at yesterday . It 's such an awful thing to doubt your own mind and your capacity to think straight . All you have to do really is take the day off and not do anything important . Take a mental health day , like I would allow my kids to have when they were young and had a not so great day . That was a day to be relieved of your responsibilities and to get treated extra special . It 's something you can do for yourself without feeling all sorts of guilt and remorse . I seem to have a problem with that , as if I need someone 's permission to do it . Everybody needs a mental health day now and then . You do recuperate from them . I have more zest in life today and look forward to it . That means Tyke will get more of his regular walks and I will get out of my bathrobe quicker . All the things I worried about yesterday , I will not worry about today . Those were spooks in my head . The fact that I have very clean hair helps a lot too . And the fact that it is so veCiao , Nora I 've just had 2 cups of coffee , but because of my gastric band I 'm awfully full and I 'll have to wait with my third cup for a while . I can 't drink it now , because I feel a lot of pressure on my esophagus . Sometimes that 's the way things go and I 'll have to wait for everything to drain down to my stomach . Anyway , it 's early in the morning and for a change I didn 't get up in the middle of the night . Well , I did to go to the toilet , but I had enough sense to go back to bed so as to not upset my natural rhythm . At least , what is supposed to be my natural rhythm . If I can just have the sense to keep doing this , I will be in much better shape during the day and not have to sleep so much . I will be able to to do this as long as I don 't get a hypo - manic mood and upset the applecart . That 's what it all revolves around . I had a few moments last night when I was lying in bed , when I felt like getting up and not going to sleep , but I talked myself out of it and stayed in bed . I can make myself hypo - manic by doing something like that , by giving in to the feeling . So , a lot of it depends on my attitude too and if I can resist the urge for a heightened mood . Yesterday went by very quickly for a Sunday . Of course , I spent a large part of it asleep , after I went back to bed early in the morning . I slept until noontime and woke myself up slowly with a cup of coffee in my armchair . Tyke was sitting on my lap , because he thinks he 's a lap dog . He 's a little bit too large to actually be one , but I don 't let him know this . I took about an hour to come to my senses and then turned on the computer and got dressed . Outside it was raining cats and dogs . Even Tyke didn 't want to go outside . He did a piddle by the back door , against the tree closest to the apartment , and scooted back inside . I spent time answering emails and reading blogs . I drank milk and juice because I was so thirsty . I knew I was going to have coffee with my sister and didn 't want to have any at home . During the day , a little bit of coffee goes a long way , even though I make it less strong now . I 've been drinking less coffee and making the ground coffee last a lot longer . At three o ' clock my sister came and got me and we drove to her house where her dog greeted me enthusiastically . I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if he 's the most important person there . Ciao , I 'm all done drinking coffee for this morning . I 've had almost three cups and that is about my limit . That 's all I can handle . I have to switch to milk or juice next . I 'm awfully thirsty , so whatever it 's going to be , it is going to be a tall glassful . I 've been sitting here for a while , completely wasting my time . I haven 't got anything to show for it . But then again , I am allowed to have completely wasteful times too . I can 't always be productive . Sometimes I sit behind the computer and I 'm sunk deep in thought instead of writing or reading . A thought will hit me and I can spend some time turning it this way and that in my mind , until I 'm done with it and lock it up some place safe . It 's completely quiet outside . It 's not storming nor raining , although I know it is going to again later today . At least it 's not going to be so awfully cold . We won 't have to worry about the rain turning into snow the way it did in Scandinavia . Thank goodness for that . The rain doesn 't actually come down in a deluge and sometimes it 's blown horizontally by the wind . I noticed that last night when I was riding my bike home from the gas station . I got it straight in my face . It would have been pleasant had it been summertime . I 'm drinking a glass of juice , but it 's making me burp something awful . It sounds like a regular factory at work . When you have a gastric band , you can never consume anything noiselessly . There are always sound effects . You constantly have to say : " Oh , excuse me . " But to you it is the most normal thing in the world . I 've gotten so used to making noise when I eat and drink , that I almost forget to apologize . I could never have tea and cakes with the queen , because I would constantly be burping . Not that I 'm expecting an invitation . I 've got my bathrobe on , because it did cool off in here a bit and I didn 't want to turn on the heater . I 'm going back to bed in a little while to sleep some more . I had a short night and woke up in a sweat again . I must talk to my doctor about that . I 've let Tyke outside in the pitch Nora I 'm sitting here with my first cup of coffee , soon to become my second cup , because I 've almost finished it , greedily as I 'm drinking it . I do want to get the cobwebs out as quickly as I can this morning , because I figure that every minute counts . Oh sure , I have hours of time before my personal helper gets here , but that time goes by quickly when you 're having fun , as I 'm about to have . I 'm thoroughly going to enjoy every minute of those hours doing nothing but blog and answer emails , and yes , also do some chores . But if that is true , why am I sitting here on the edge of my seat as if I am about to take off into the ' I don 't know where ? ' I do have to relax in order to be able to enjoy myself . I can 't sit here with a tightly folded into itself body that 's about to be triggered into an explosion of uncontrolled movement . I 've just taken my medicines and readjusted the way I sit in this chair . I have everything loose now and am very consciously trying to stay that way . I 'm trying to stay grounded . I 'm paying attention to the relaxation of all my muscles and my breathing . I 'm becoming aware of all the little aches and pains and know that I have to pay attention to them and not ignore them . I stop sitting hunched over and straighten my back . There 's so much to remember . At least I 'm not about to take off from my chair anymore . I 'm going to have a tall glass of cold milk next . That does necessitate putting on my bathrobe , because that cools your body off quite a bit , a glass of cold milk does . But I 'm much more relaxed now and I feel a lot better . I can better enjoy writing the rest of this post now . I went to bed late last night , I didn 't fall asleep until 1 am . At least I had enough sense to go to bed , because I really had to force myself to . I wasn 't sleepy when I went and could have stayed up longer . I wanted to be sensible , though , and get some amount of normal sleep anyway . I did want to be in halfway decent shape this morning . When my personal helper gets here , I want to be ready to get things done . That reallyHave a good day . Ciao , Nora Posted by But need I even mention it ? I should get away with this without even discussing it . What 's there to say ? If you have me on your blog list , just refer to me as Nora and not by the name of my blog , because it changes too often . God only knows what I started out as . I don 't even remember it myself , it is so many incarnations ago . I 've been up all night , and when I 'm up all night , I 'm generally in the mood to change things , because I 'm more adventurous then . I should always function at night , or otherwise always be under the influence of a sleeping pill , but wide awake . I seem to have my most brilliant ideas then . At least , they seem brilliant to me . Of course , they may be drug induced illusions and I won 't know that until the next day after I 've slept . That reminds me that I 'm not looking forward to the day and I don 't want it to become dawn . I like sitting here in the dark having my little adventures and taking looks at what I have done . I don 't want to go to bed either . I want to stay up and reap the rewards of my deeds and indulge in them . I want to snicker and smile and be happy . I would rather not sleep and stay in this state of mind forever . I haven 't had any coffee for a while and have been drinking cold milk . I never did get around to drinking a glass of warm milk to make me sleepy . I decided against that when I realized that I was having a good time . I didn 't want to curtail my activities . From one good idea comes another and before you know it , hours have passed and it is approaching morning and it is time for another batch of medicines . The ones I am going to take are going to dampen my spirits a bit and it 's a darn shame . I wish I could skip them , but I will be sensible and take them . I 'm a co - operative patient who doesn 't sleep at night , but does everything else right . I am going to make a pot of coffee in a little while to get ready for the arrival of morning . I do want to greet it with a clear mind . I don 't know what I 'm going to do about sleeping yet . I suppose I will wait and see what happens and when the need hits me , I will go and lie down . It is possible that the Exfactor is going to come by this morning and I do want to be dressed when he gets here and not greet him in my usual attire of bathrobe with my hair sticking up . I do still want to make a good impression , although I have no ulterior motives . If I did have those , I would dismiss them immediately . The coffee is brewing and before long I will have a nice fresh cup of it . I 'm trying to not make it too strong , because I realized that I do go through my ground coffee awfully quickly . I probably make it too potent . I don 't want it to put hair on my chest . I think a little bit less strong is okay too and very drinkable , as long as the flavor of the coffee is right and is not the weak brew Ciao , I 've been in a stupor all day , unable to function even at the lowest level . I was seriously concerned about myself as I laid down for the umpteenth time on the sofa for a nap . What was wrong with me ? Was I getting sick ? Finally I made myself a pot of coffee , not expecting much , but some improvement anyway . I had my first cup and man , did I get improvement ! It was like I had taken the elixir of life . Suddenly I was able to function again and my whole mood perked up . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again : a metamorphosis took place . I was a pathetic bit of human being before I had the coffee and I 'm not anymore now . All it took was one cup of coffee and I 'm having my second one now . Hoping for more improvement , no doubt . All I have to do now is get out of my bathrobe and into some clothes and not forget that I have to drink coffee in the morning . That it 's absolutely crucial that I do . I have to get into some clothes , though , and finally walk Tyke who has only been out back so far . He 's been very patient with me and slept while I slept and has not gotten into any sort of trouble . Both Gandhi and he were very hungry when I woke up the last time . I asked Tyke if he wanted to eat and Gandhi started to meow very pathetically . Tyke got worried and started to shove her out of the way . Gandhi jumped on the kitchen counter and waited for her share of the can of dog food . When she was done eating before Tyke , he defended his bowl very bravely from any advances she made toward it . She finally gave up and went outside , doubtlessly to give herself a good wash . It has stopped raining and the sun is barely visible through the clouds . It peeks through every once in a while . It is starting to be the end of the afternoon and the sun is moving towards the horizon , behind the row of houses opposite me . I 've wasted a large part of the day sleeping and I now have to make up for it . I have to do a few chores before I call the day quits . I 'm kind of late with it , but better late than never . I 'm not going to worry about which clothes Ciao , It 's , as usual , in the middle of the night again , or to put it optimistically , very early in the morning . Let 's just say it is the latter , that sounds a lot better . It doesn 't sound so desperately lonely and desolate as in the middle of the night , though that doesn 't bother me at all . Well , I say that , but that may not be the complete truth . Maybe I do feel just a bit lonely and desolate in the middle of the night after all . So , let 's just say it is early in the morning . The time you would get up to catch an early intercontinental flight leaving from Amsterdam . That 's a few hours drive from here , so you have to calculate that into your travel time . You drink lots of coffee to get your head on straight an to wake up properly , like I am doing right now . I 'm only working on my first cup , though , having downed some glasses of milk first . The coffee tastes good as usual , I made it strong . I need for it to be strong because I 'm yawning . I 'm not quite awake yet , though I could have sworn that I was when I got up . I was fooled by Mother Nature . She led me to believe I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when in fact I was not . That was just a first impression . It 's too late to go back to bed now , because I am in my waking up mode and not at all in the mood to go back to bed . It 's not calling my name at the moment . It may in a while from now . I 'm so tired still , that the feeling of free floating anxiety hasn 't even attached itself to me yet as it has for the last couple of days . So this is the solution to it then . Make sure you 're tired and nothing can hurt you . I think I had already figured that one out and that 's why I was sleeping so much . Sleep is a defense mechanism too . It prevents overload . I just dislocated my jaw on both sides , but by staying calm , I managed to get it back in . I was yawning , that 's how it happened . It 's painful now , but everything is back in place . I 'll have to be careful from this point forward , because this has happened in the past when I couldn 't get it back in place . It was a little bit scary . WCiao , Nora I 've just cleaned up the kitchen and the living room and I did that quickly . Next , I have to hang up the laundry and make a shopping list . I 'm really waiting for my medicines to start working and they should shortly , because I 've taken them about an hour ago . I must say that I feel calmer than I did a while ago , so there is progress already without me realizing that there was . I 'm drinking a glass of cold milk , because I 'm all done drinking coffee . I made enough for three cups and I think that is more than enough to start the day with . Actually , I don 't finish the third cup , because it 's too much to drink for me , so I could actually make less coffee . It 's just habit that keeps me making the same amount every morning . That , and the concern that I might actually want more coffee one of these mornings . It 's silly , though , because I never do . Tyke had wagged the ivy on the coffee table with his tail and leaves had flown all over the area rug . I just finished picking them all up . It 's a neat trick that he did when he jumped on top of it . He does still do that every once in a while , but it is mostly a thing of the past . He does realize that the coffee table is out of bounds now . Sometimes his exuberant puppy brain takes over and he forgets and I have to get him off of it as quickly as I can . Gandhi is quite innocent of these shenanigans and hardly ever does anything bad , except for use the furniture as scratching posts sometimes , while she has three of those at her disposal . Cats are great at ignoring the obvious and using something else instead . Jesker used to shove her out of the way when she did that and I 'm trying to teach Tyke to do the same thing , but he hasn 't quite caught on yet . I 've just cleaned up the bedroom of a shredded cigarette pack and made the bed . I will hang up the laundry next . Little by little I will get everything done . There will be too much laundry to fit on the drying rack and I will have to get creative with hangers on the shower curtain rail . The bathroom will be filled with laundry . It is tNora The polls are closed and when I let myself be guided by the results , I have to conclude that the overwhelming majority of you want me to keep writing all my blogs . I think that is okay with me , though I don 't know if I will write in all of them every day , because not all of them are equal favorites of mine . Some of them are stepchildren and some of them are visited by very few people . Some of them aren 't commented on because they are read in readers , which I tried this afternoon in the Google Reader and which is a very impersonal way to read blogs , I think . It doesn 't allow you to comment and I don 't think you show up in the statistics . It takes the interaction out of blog reading . So , I will remove the polls from the blogs shortly , after you 've all had a look at them and maybe make up a new poll . I have to think about that . I have to think of one that 's inoffensive to everyone , yet controversial enough for people to want to vote in . It 's starting to be late in the afternoon and pretty dark in here . The rain has stopped falling for now , but there are still lots of rain clouds up there in the sky . I like how cozy it is right now and for a change am not bothered at all by the time of day . I used to think this was such an undetermined time in which the day couldn 't make up its mind as to what it was , afternoon or evening . It was a toss up . Right now it seems like it doesn 't matter and the darkness closing in is welcome . It will bring peace and quiet . I am determined to enjoy the evening as much as possible . It is Sunday , after all , and I want to make the most of what is left of the weekend . These are my last free hours . My God , that sounds as if I have a tough job to go to tomorrow . I guess that 's how I look at the weekdays , as tough days that need to get lived through , when it is really the weekends that are the hardest . I do have to get that straight for myself and not live under illusions . I can 't keep fooling myself about that . Nevertheless , I will enjoy the evening , but it is a fact , of course , that I should enCiao , I can 't seem to wake up today . I 've tried it several times now and each time I have to go back to sleep . I don 't know how much the rainy weather plays a role in this . It did make me feel like I was held captive in the apartment . Not that I minded that very much . It was quite cozy inside . At one point I slept on the sofa , in my bathrobe with my slippers on , in the company of Tyke and Gandhi . All of us just fit . We were all scrunched together . A great tiredness lies over me . All I want to do is lie down places in my bathrobe and not move from there . I think it is a way of avoiding things I do not want to do . Instead of going out there in the big bad world , I hole up in here and play it safe . It 's a survival tactic that I have when things get too scary for me . I better cancel today and pretend I don 't have to do anything , otherwise I 'm going to have a panic attack and I 'll be in real trouble . Maybe I 'll be able to get dressed . That will be something anyway . Now that I 've admitted to that , I 'm having a panic attack , of course , and I 've had to sit here for a while and try to suppress it . I 've taken my tranquilizers in the hope that they will work soon . My daughter sent me images just a while ago of our old house that we were most happy in through Google maps . It showed the house and the street . I think this got to me more than I realized , because I dream about that house several times a month . I have a horrible ache in my chest and a lump in my throat . I didn 't want to move from that house , but was practically forced to , because my husband at the time wanted to make a promotion far away . I 'm calming down now . The tranquilizers are working . It 's hard to be confronted with your past . Especially when you think you 've closed the book on it . Well , except for in your dreams . I suppose it 's always there in my subconscious . Living and breathing its own life . There 's a lot of grief there and it is all unresolved . I 'm going to lie down now . I feel worn out . Like I 've been put through the wringer . I must find some peace and quieNora I 've just made a fresh pot of coffee and it is very good . As a matter of fact , it is delicious , even if I do say so myself . This makes me more determined to always make a pot of coffee myself and to not leave it in the less competent hands of someone else . If you want things done right , you have to do them your own way and not assume someone else will do them like you want them done , because you will be disappointed . If you 're going to stand there and give exact instructions , you may as well do them yourself . If you know how to do something well , like take care of yourself , then do it and don 't expect the other person to . Not if you have to tell them how . They will be incompetent and you will get a second rate job and nobody will be happy , because you will let your displeasure show and they will feel bad . The tip about grinding the coffee fine was lesson number one , this was lesson number two . So , I 'm enjoying my coffee very much . Actually , I 'm enjoying my evening very much and I 'm already looking forward to bedtime . I 'm postponing it as long as possible , but the idea that I 'm going in the foreseeable future is making me happy . I think that very shortly I will put on my pajamas and be ready up to that point at least . It is possible for me to sleep late in the morning and if I 'm lucky , I will do just that , although it is just as possible that I will wake up in the middle of the night and sit behind this computer . I always imagine that I need a large princess bed with a thick downy mattress and a thick downy duvet and very many big downy pillows and very expensive sheets to sleep well . A bed which you sink into and hardly are able to get out of . A bed that imprisons you with luxury and sleep . Instead I sleep on my single bed with the relatively hard mattress and the not so thick duvet and the inexpensive sheets on the not so fluffy pillows with the dog nearly on top of me . So you see what the problem is , don 't you ? I need a softer dog . Tyke ate an extra helping of food tonight . He was begging by his bowl , the poor Ciao , I 've just taken Tyke for a walk in the real autumn like November wind that blew yellow leaves all around us and ahead of our feet . It was invigorating and not at all that cold . It made me feel alive and ready to take another walk once we were inside again . We will have to go again before it gets dark and I hope the wind will be blowing as nicely then . I do appreciate this weather and I want to take advantage of it before it gets too cold to really enjoy it . As long as the wind is not too cold , it is wonderful how it hits your face and makes your skin feel just a bit chilled and look all rosy . I love the way it comes from unexpected directions and whirls the leaves around in spinning circles and rushing waves of color . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I became very sleepy and had to lie down on the sofa where I took quite a nap . I will have to drink some coffee to completely come to my senses again . The coffeemaker is brewing it now . I have to be patient for just a few minutes , though I find that hard to do . There , now I have my coffee . I will be a living , breathing human being shortly . Right now I 'm just faking it . I was waxing so poetically about the wind and the leaves , but I don 't think I can do it anymore . All the poetry has left my body , only dull wit has been left behind to fill up the holes . That and a whole lot of sleepiness . I can 't hone my writing skills on them . I will have to use different tactics now . My plan was to take Tyke for a walk before it got dark , but I don 't know if I 'm going to make it . The wind has stopped blowing as blustery and the sun is already getting low on the horizon . And I am still yawning . I need another cup of coffee , obviously . . . . . . Well , instead of messing around with coffee , I took Tyke for a walk , because he would not wait any longer . It was still windy outside and not cold yet , so it was still enjoyable . It is a good thing that we went when we did . It is just starting to get dark and the streetlights are on already . I must remember that I like blustery wind that 's not too cold . I didn 't remember that about myself . It 's like it is a new discovery that I made today . How interesting . See how you 're never too old to learn things ? Even about yourself ? I am having that other cup of coffee now . It is still very welcome . I 've turned the lights on in the living room and will close the blinds in a minute . I see people coming home from their work now , many of them on their bicycles . There are still kids playing outside before they have to go in for dinner . It 's Wednesday , so it must be meatball day . That 's traditional . When I think of meatballs , I think of the nice little ones you get at Ikea . I haven 't had those in a long time . I can 't eat them anymore because of my gastric band and the last time I did , I ran into terrible trouble , because I ate more than I could handle . I 'll never forget those meatballs . But I still like to go to Ikea . You just need to bring a big , full wallet with you when you go , because there 's so much to see that you want and you can easily fill up one of those big shopping carts they have . I have no trouble spending money there . That 's probably why I avoid the place right now . It 's dangerous . It 's time to watch the news . I have to go and be informed , although I think it will make no difference if I know how things are in the world . I can only do my share to make it a better one in my own limited way and hope everybody else does their share . I feel very frustrated at times . It doesn 't seem that enough people care . Have a good evening ! After spending a long night up , and being too stubborn to go to bed early in the morning , I did manage to get dressed in a nice set of clothes and take the dog for a walk . My nice set of clothes jumped out of the closet at me . I knew what I wanted and it was right there within hand 's reach on top of each stack and on the first hanger . They couldn 't have been more convenient and they were meant to be . After having gotten dressed , I fiddled with my earrings and almost couldn 't get the little backings on and felt like my fingers were too big , but I had just used the ointment and that made them slippery . I finally got them on without dropping them down the bathroom sink and took Tyke for a walk . He was much pleased and barked rather ferociously at a large truck that drove by . He doesn 't like noisy trucks or other noisy machinery such a lawnmowers or leaf blowers and always feels the need to bark at them , even when he is inside and they are at a distance . He thinks he has to chase them away from the neighborhood . He also doesn 't like fast boys in souped up cars with loud stereos . He barks at them especially hard . He pulled me through the neighborhood at breakneck speed and piddled against every tree and bush and lamppost . I do get little breaks that way . Little breathing pauses . When we got home , I was so tired , that I slept on the sofa for an hour and a half . I did feel a lot better when I woke up and no longer like I had jet lag . Not feeling like you 've been on an intercontinental flight does improve your outlook on life and this allowed me to finally get the mail out of the mailbox that I had been avoiding for a long time . I had suddenly developed a mail phobia and had been scared to get it out . I don 't know why this happened . It just overtook me . The good news was that I did not owe any taxes over 2009 . Hooray . I don 't know where I would have gotten the money to pay them anyway . The other good news is that I am done paying my own portion of my medical expenses for this year , as far as that concerned my medicationsCiao , Somehow I manage not to go to bed too early , though lately I am ready to go at 7 : 30 pm . I do force myself to stay up , though , and watch television , no matter how silly the program and how little I really care . In between the serious programs that I do care about , like the news , I play with Tyke and cuddle him , while I also pay attention to the consumer programs and the missing persons programs and the really dumb game shows . A person does have to figure out a way to get through the evening in one piece while entertaining her dog . After a while Tyke 's had enough and goes to sleep and I 've watched enough television and shut if off and put on my pajamas . I turn on the computer for a little while to postpone going to bed until it is really the proper time to go and read blogs and comment on them . I realize how precarious life is and how I 'm just a silly game show and one silly little dog away from going stark raving mad . Then I pull myself through that moment and get my act together again and am a tough broad and realize I 'm lucky for all the support I get to help me not go under like a sinking ship and I get courage again . I know that in a little while I will lie under my comfortable duvet and listen to the radio , while I slowly drift off to sleep and all will be forgotten . I will wake up in the morning with the same eagerness with which I wake up every morning and go about my business as usual . I had to take my earrings out tonight because I had a little bit of irritation . I put some ointment on my earlobes and will reapply it before I go to bed . I hope that takes care of it and that I will be able to put the earrings in again in the morning . I 've gotten so used to wearing them now that I will feel naked without them , at least not completely dressed . I do like wearing them a lot and I 've put an antique saucer on my bookcase in my bedroom to put them all on , so as to not lose track of them . I 've got 3 pairs on hangers now and 4 pairs that are studs . I prefer wearing the studs as the hangers get caught in my scarves Have a good night ! |
It started out as a quiet day as I had it off and had to take Thomas to his weekly scout camp at the Ethan Allen Homestead . He goes each year , loving the archery , games and usual incredible high temperatures . It 's out in the open so they do their best to torch the kids . Paula also had the day off from work and took Kate to her half day soccer camp . She is fast , loves it and is quickly learning the game . I love to watch her play . After we did the drop off , I suggested we meet up at our favorite place , Great Harvest Bread Company , where we manage to scarf up free samples of bread along with our cup of joe . We sat for a while discussing our plans for the day when Paula suggested going the Lake Monsters game that night as the kids had received some free tickets from a special reading program . The kids have received numerous prizes , awards and paraphernalia due to their love of reading . It seems each and every business and organization in Burlington gives you something if you read and we take advantage of it . We 're still trying for the cabin cruiser that the local fish hatchery is giving away but reading forty - five hundred thousand books on fly fishing takes time . So , anyway , we hadn 't received our free tickets to the game in the mail yet so Paula , ever resourceful , called up the Lake Monsters office and talked directly to their GM . He graciously said to just come down to the ticket office and he 'd take care of us . As it was kids reading free night , we got there plenty early . Last year , we went to free mystery bobbing head doll night and the lines were beyond belief . We arrived to short lines and I was pretty happy about that . We got our tickets within minutes and headed straight for the food as we didn 't have any dinner . We grabbed a few slices of pizza and a hot dog and headed for our seats . But first , we made the all important stop at the beer stand . After dropping five bucks for a delicious Shock Top ale , we headed towards our general admission seats . I commented that we should sit on the first base side as the third base side in the family section where no alcohol is served . So , heading through the tunnel , we turned left and looked up . A man with a clipboard was sitting in the first of four fancy recliners which are for lucky fans to use , who win a raffle . But tonight , this man asked us if we would like to sit in the seats . As I didn 't know who he was , I asked and he said he worked there . Being at the right place and time had we won us the right to sit there all game long . Paula and I looked at each other and said , " Sure ! " . So we sat , still amazed at our good luck . These seats were right above the dugout and really close to the players . We also knew that in between innings , Champ , our beloved Lake Monster , would be dancing on top of the dugout . It just so happened that tonight was his birthday celebration so all his fellow mascots from around the region joined us , including Skip , the mascot of the Vermont Mountaineers or Wood Chippers or some name like that . He came by and shook our hands . I told him our chairs were made of bear skin and were comfortable . As he frowned , Paula told me that he wasn 't a bear but a Woodchuck . I apologized and luckily he did not eat me . All the Lake Monster employees were also dressed in the favorite costumes . It was going to be a good night . As we sat prior to the start of the game , several people that we knew walked by and asked how we got such good seats . I told them it was clean living but they didn 't go for that . We told them the story and told us how lucky we were . In the second inning , Sam , the guy who gave us the seats , came by and ask me all our names . At the end of that inning , he got on his microphone , announced our names to the crowd and presented us with Lake Monsters baseball hats . We had our picture taken for the newspaper and the smiles continued . We finished our food and beer which I shared it with my lovely bride . Thomas asked if we could head down to the bouncy castle . The Lake Monsters have a variety of fun activities for the kids and they are pretty cheap at a buck a piece . There was nobody in line and Thomas jumped right in . I started chatting with the attendant . The bouncy castle time limit was three minutes but Thomas was having fun and we were talking . As no one else came up , he stayed in a little bit longer than the usual time . Thomas was good and sweaty by now . I finally dragged him away as I could vaguely hear the national anthem being sung . We got back in time to see the Tri - City Valley Cats score three runs on no hits and three Lake Monster errors . It might be a long night for beloved Monsters . So , we continued to watch the game . The kids begged for some cotton candy so Kate and I ran down and grabbed a bag . We brought it back to our seats . She and Thomas shared the ever - so nutritious ballpark fare and their faces were sufficiently covered with a nice pink sugar coating . In about the third inning , the Valley Cats were headed back to the dugout . I held my arm up and hoped one of the players might toss a ball in stands . And he did . Just as I was about to grab the prize and give it Thomas and Kate . . . the guy in front of me jumped up and grabbed it . Then , he did the nicest thing , he turned around and handed it to Thomas . He was thrilled . He handed the ball to Kate for her inspection . They both smiled . I tapped the guy and the shoulder and thanked him . No big deal , he said . Later , Kate and I trekked down so she could have her turn at the bouncy castle . There was a long line but we waited . She had a blast too but only got a few minutes compared to Thomas ' fifteen . Fast forward to the seventh inning stretch , I looked over at Paula and gave her the nod , secretly asking " Can we go now ? " Thomas somehow intercepted the nod and gave the big old sad face saying , " Please can we stay to the end ? " Paula said ( or it felt like she said ) , " Stop being a fuddy duddy and let 's just stay to the end ! " So we did . There was an announcement that after the game , all the kids could come on to the field and run the bases . Thomas and Kate were excited and stifled yawns , but still were raring to go after the game . So , we sat and sat . I decided to start making my own cheers as if you can 't beat ' em , join ' em . I started cheering for our own Sean Jamison , who became really inspired with my yelling his name and on a 3 - 2 pitch , proceeded to foul off about eight pitches in a row . Kate gave me a look and said , " You 're embarrassing me , Daddy ! " But I was not to be denied . Finally , all my yelling paid off as the payoff pitch came . Good old Sean hit a long fly ball in deep foul territory , which was promptly caught for the third out . As the teams headed off the field , I got another chance at a ball . I raised my hand once more and the Valley Cat fired it my way . There was no stopping me this time as I knocked over four kids and dove for the ball . Well , okay , it came right in my hands and i caught it . I looked at Paula and smiled . She was so impressed . Then she pointed to the little kid in front of us , he had a glove on and a sad face . I tapped him on the shoulder and gave him the ball . The smile on his face with worth it . His Mom thanked me . No problem , I said . The game ended and our beloved Lake Monsters lost . Thomas and Kate headed down to the field , got to run the bases and we headed home . As we walked to the van , we talked about all the incredible things that happened that night . We got home and all plopped into bed quickly . I got up early for the work the next morning and saw Thomas ' baseball sitting on the bookshelf by our front door . I smiled when I saw what he wrote on the ball : " Best game ever ! 8 - 8 - 11 " . I couldn 't agree more . It was a busy weekend in the Henry Hut . A Friday night at the beach included some swimming , kayaking and something new to us , cooking out on the grill . It 's not as easy as it looks , as you have to make sure you grab everything from the house that you could possibly need for a meal . Hot dogs , buns , catsup , relish , knives , forks , and the kitchen sink all need to be brought down to the beach . We finish our errands , and get home . Kate starts to pack her clothes . Thomas starts to pack his clothes . She is headed off to a birthday party sleepover at her friend which includes many things , not one of which is sleep . Movies , cupcakes , tons of whipped cream , more movies , games and if they can , some sleep . Thomas is off to Lake Sunrise for a week of camping out with his fellow scouts . He 'll be gone all week and has been looking forward to this for months . We 're excited for him and hope he loves it . I know he will . It 's his parents who are really concerned . Okay , I am , Paula knows he 'll be fine . I know he 'll be fine but I just so want him to have an adventure and trust the weather holds off . They are camping right on a lake and as the temperatures are soaring , I trust they will be spending much of the week in the water . I realize that this weekend is just the beginning of the kids pulling away from us , slowly but surely . It 's a natural process . Maybe I 'm just not ready for it . I know it is what 's supposed to happen . You raise your kids the best you can , trying to prepare them for when they leave you , hopefully off to college and an extraordinarily high paid job so they can take good care of me when I 'm old and drooling in a cup . ( I think that happened just last week for a few minutes . ) Walking through the local Hannaford 's the other day , we went down the aisle that just happens to have Spam in it . It sparked me to have Thomas remind me that when we got home , we just had to look up when of my favorite skits from Monty Python : Spam . Once I was younger , Monty Python was on this foreign station called Public Television . I only turned on this channel when Bugs Bunny wasn 't on but once I did , I made some cool discoveries . Monty Python was one of the bests . I showed all of them to Thomas and Kate . They loved them ! I was happy , as you never know , not only with British television possibly losing humor in the translation but also , as this was years ago , was it still funny . It was still very funny . Like most male type of humor , perhaps women don 't think it 's that funny , like the Three Stooges or The Hangover ; it 's just silly , stupid stuff but we men love it . And I 'm glad to know my kids love it . A father can hand down a lot of these to his kids , how to say please and thank you , how to act appropriately in church and how to laugh at the silliest type of humor . I was happy that my kids appreciated how funny bad comedy can be . What do you say about the uncle you 've known forever ? Always smiling and with a sly look on his face , he was my godfather . Despite our living three hours apart , our families always found a way to be together . When I was younger , my Mom and I would travel around the state visiting relatives . Our stops always included a stay over at the Trevino 's house . It 's not a huge house but it is a wonderful house . We didn 't care where we slept and often found ourselves on the floor , the couch , any open space we could find . Warm and inviting is how I know their house to be . Many years ago , after I had moved to North Carolina , it was Christmas time and I was feeling a bit homesick . I hopped in my car and drove fifteen hours to Massena , unannounced . Upon opening the door , I was greeted with nothing but smiles and hugs . It was the way it was and still is anytime you visit . He had been sick for a while although through it all , he never lost that characteristic smile of his . It would light you up every time you saw him . He had that effect on a lot of people as evidenced not only by the thousands of posts of goodwill on his Facebook page but by the hundreds of lives he touched throughout the years . My Uncle Louis was a character . Attending just about every Massena sporting event over the past fifty years , he was known by all . Whenever I met someone from Massena , whether at a flea market in New Jersey or a mall in North Carolina , when I asked them if they knew Crazy Louie , everyone smiles and said yes . Even my friend Mark , here in Vermont , knew him from high school as the guy who carried a car battery & horn and blasted it whenever Massena scored a goal . Uncle Louie was a really good bowler . It was something both our families grew up with and became a huge part of our lives . He would come to Syracuse often for bowling tournaments and when he called , we would go watch him bowl . Even out of his hometown of Massena , people knew him and he had celebrity status . He was also quite the smooth dancer . At every family wedding , we couldn 't wait to watch him as he escorted Aunt Etta out to the dance floor . They were wonderful to watch . Many times , he had his maracas with him too , shaking them to the delight of all . And tears ! I 'll always remember him for his tears . Not sad tears , but tears of joy . Whenever our families got together , he would cry tears of joy ; just for us all being together . He had a whistle , too . Ay caramba , yes he did . He would pull it out at quiet times during a wedding or family gathering , blow it and yell , " Everybody out of the pool ! " It never got old and we looked forward to it . One year , we were all headed to a family wedding and I packed my own whistle in my camera bag . I pulled it out at a quiet time , blew it and yelled , " Everybody out of the pool ! " I looked over at Uncle Louie . He smiled , came over and gave me a big hug . Although a bit hard of hearing , wherever you were , you could just look over at him . He would look at you and smile , giving you that wink which said , " I 'm glad you 're here . " I know , now , that he is up in heaven with my Mom and his brother and sisters . After all the hugs are over , with tears in his eyes , they are all smiling and laughing together . We will miss Uncle Louie , but it does make it a little easier knowing that the memories and love he gave us through the years will live with us forever . HewlettCrappard / Comcrap so graciously agreed to take back my craptop ( again ) and repair it . Seeing as it hasn 't worked correctly from day one , it seems like a reasonable thing for them to do . If you don 't know the whole story by now , just scroll down my blog a few entries . But you know what 's going to happen now , don 't you ? I sent in my laptop once more , since when they " fixed " both the first and second ( or is it twelfth ) time previously , it didn 't work . The first time it was ' repaired ' , it worked for 12 days and then collapsed once more . So , good people that they are , they sent me another Fed - Ex overnight shipping box , to return it to them , so they could fix it right away . Two weeks later , with no sign of contact from the mother ship , I received a cryptic voice message from home . It was from an Indian sounding woman ( and unfortunately we deleted it as I so wanted you to hear the audio ) and she said , I believe she was calling from the underground headquarters of HP with a Tracfone on it 's last minutes . As I hadn 't had any contact with the company via email for nearly two weeks , I thought my craptop was gone for good . But , as my Mother used to say , " Oh , ye of little faith . " I received an email from the Crappards , and my laptop was to be delivered Monday ( today ! ) . Another miracle ! We all got home after a lovely day . I was beyond excited ( hey , it doesn 't take much lately ) . We got it open . I lifted the lid , pushed the power button and . . . it didn 't work ! Shocking , I know . I was really surprised because . . . okay , i wasn 't surprised . So , I dialed the 800 number , which I now have memorized as I know both the area code and country code for India and Pakistan . This time I got Latasha on the phone . I think I also heard Boris Badenov in the background too , but I digress . The last several times on the phone , I spoke with Micah , Malcolm and Mudhoo so I 'm moving up in the HP world to the L 's . I told her my story , which I 've now repeated to 67 % of the crack HewlettCrappard repair staff previously and she apologized profusely . She said she would do everything she could to help . I told her I appreciated that . She commented on how calm I was being . I told her that the day was young and she laughed . Anyway , to make a long story longer , she said that she was going to Fed - Ex me another box ( I have a big collection in the recycle bin if you need any ) and they would attempt to fix it once more . She also said , which I really loved and almost made it all worth it , " I will put a note on this laptop saying to make sure they check to see if it works before they send it back to you . " " Really ? Really ? ? ? " , I told her , " You really have to put a note on it ? Wouldn 't you think they might check it BEFORE they sent it back to me ? " She laughed but unfortunately , she was serious . I told her to please write the note as just maybe it would help . I then asked how many more times I had to return it in before they gave me a new one . She said that three times was the limit . If it didn 't work ( we both laughed really hard then ! ) , I would either get a new one , get my money back ( ha ! ) or be allowed to whack three HP executives of my choice on the head with my broken craptop . Okay , I made the last one up but I 'd take that opportunity if presented to me . So , now I sit and wait for another lovely Fed - Ex overnight box . It keeps life interesting around the Henry household . Thomas can 't understand how they can continue to keep sending back broken laptops to me and I keep telling him you just have to fight for what 's right . It 's a life lesson . I 'm not sure exactly what that life lesson is but I 'm sticking around to find out . You may have read about my rants on Hewlett Crappard / Comcrap in the past . If not , where have you been ? Are you not reading these things ? Why am I wasting time putting them out there ? ? ? Check this out if you want to be updated quickly : http : / / patrickphoto . blogspot . com / 2010 / 10 / comcraphewlett - crappard . html So , it 's been a while since I 've been willing to chat about this online , mainly because when discussing it , I tend to chip all my teeth from clenching my jaw . But I am determined when it comes to money , just ask my brother and sister in law ; I am Mr . Craigslist to them . I spent a lot of money on a laptop that wouldn 't turn on , and to say it wasn 't fun , is putting it mildly . I won 't review it but let 's just say I also received the crappiest of usual crappy service from WorstBuy . The 14 - year - old female manager ( I won 't tell you her name but her name tag said Jess B ) from WorstBuy who told me that she didn 't have to tell me her name kept telling me to go back and read my contract instead of listening to those rascally , jokester sales people told me . What do they know ? They only represent the company , WB , on the stock exchange . Anyway , after several emails and letters to both companies , Worst Buy and Hewlett Crappard / Comcrap , I received nothing but heartache . About a month ago , after tons of Internet research ( they don 't want you to find their names ) I wrote even more letters to each of four high level executives at both mega corporations . I didn 't want to give up as they sold me a lemon . Reading the Internet , I discovered there were thousands of other people who were just as upset as I was about the ' quality ' of their products . The sticker on my laptop says , " BUILT TO LAST " , of course , in fine print it says " one day past warrantee ' . I finally did hear back from WorstBuy and he was very nice . He apologized for all the problems and told me to go pound sand as they didn 't care enough to back their products . When I reviewed the rude treatment by his store manager , he told me " We don 't care . We don 't have to . Circus City is gone and we 're the only game in town . " or words to that effect . To be honest , he actually offered me a $ 40 gift certificate from WorstBuy . I believe I told him to cram the gift certificate somewhere as I never intended to step foot in their store again . He told me to have a nice day and I told him I 'd have whatever kind of day I felt like having . The next week , as we were finishing dinner , the phone rang . We didn 't answer as family time is family time . However , when the voice said " This is CeCe from Hewlett Crappard . " I picked up the phone . As we talked , she apologized for the problems but she told me that they could not give me a new laptop . She said , however , that she was willing to repair the laptop for free and even send me a pre - paid Fed - Ex box to ship it . I told her that that would be lovely as it 's all I wanted was a laptop that actually turned on when you hit the on / off button and worked for more than five minutes . Hey , I 'm easy to please . Amazingly , within two days , the box showed up on my doorstep and I shipped my laptop back . I checked the tracking form two days later to make sure they received it and to my surprise , they were already delivering it back to me that day ! I opened up my box , turned it on , and it actually worked ! For a full week now , it has worked fine every time , something it had never done previously . I didn 't pay a dime , except for stamps for all my numerous letters . Paula and I are still in shock but as I 've found before , it pays to be a squeaky wheel . So , Hewlett Crappard / Comcrap has changed slightly in my mind and shall no longer have that name but a new one : Hewlett Crappard / Compaq . They have earned losing half a crap from their name . We 'll see how it works over the next few months as I have a ninety day warranty . I may eliminate the Crappard portion too , but I doubt it . However , WorstBuy continues to be WorstBuy and I shall not be visiting them any time soon . My Mom used to tell me that the squeaky wheel gets the grease . I 'm sure she 's be happy to know that I got a little bit of satisfaction from not letting a major corporation get away with selling me a lemon . And if she see Jess B next time you 're in Worst Buy , tell her Pat Henry says hey ! It was the day of the big event , the annual St . Patty 's Day church corn beef and cabbage dinner . It usually is attended mostly by the older members of our church but we go to support the church . I 'm also on the social action committee . And most of the others do all the work , I 'm on it in name only as we have very dedicated members of our church . After dinner , it was time for some Irish tunes and some joke telling . First on the list were those Henry kids . Kate stepped right up to the microphone and told her joke which got a nice laugh . Thomas ' joke , which was pretty long and involved , received a huge laugh . He told it well and only gave away the timing of the punchline by the huge smile on his face . They say the apple doesn 't fall far from the tree and as their Dad is a complete nut , I agree . I was proud not only because they won , but having the courage to stand up in front a large crowd and tell their joke . It 's something their Dad would have had trouble doing at their age , maybe even now . Faith and begorra , we have some fine Irish kids . Delivering her cookies to a neighbor down the street , Kate hops on her bike and took off . Despite the chill , she wanted her bike as the sidewalks had finally relented from four feet of snow . The sun was out and it felt more like spring . Earlier , she asked me if she could get her bike out and after pumping up her tires a bit ( they were practically frozen ) , she headed out . She had a load of girl scout cookies in a backpack as I watched her go down the street and around the corner , out of sight . I noted to Paula about how quickly they 're growing up . She made call after call to our neighbors , asking if this would be a good time to come over and deliver cookies . She looks up each number , calls them herself and is not bashful at all . She used to be a bit shy but not any longer . Yes , she sure looked independent going out into the world all by herself . This is one dad who 's having a hard time believing it . You want time to stand still a little bit but it doesn 't . She 's growing up . There is nothing we can do but stand back and be proud of her . I sure am . Yesterday , after bringing the kids home from school , this Dad was particularly grumpy . Why ? No one knows but he was . Perhaps it was the temperatures hovering around ten below zero for two days . Anyway , as this Dad got everything put away , he wanted to start a fire but didn 't have firewood . So , he went upstairs to change and as soon as he got far away from his kids , one of them yelled ( again ) that he was hungry and wanted a snack . Now this grumpy Dad has just said he was going to change his clothes and to not ask for anything until he was done . Unfortunately , the son did hear or didn 't want to hear his Dad and the Dad , being grumpy , closed his bedroom door quite loudly . So , this Dad , good guy that he can be , went to his son and apologized for yelling . He told his good son that he was just tired from a long day and was sorry for yelling / slamming / crabbing at him . The son accepted his apology and gave him a big hug . The Dad said he was going out in the sub zero weather to get some firewood to warm up the ice box of a house . His son , now with a smile on his face , asked if the Dad wanted any help . The Dad jumped for joy and said of course . Bundling up , the two ran to the backyard and grabbed the wheelbarrow . They quickly stacked the wood in and ran to the garage to stack it once more . In between , they chatted about school and pinewood derby cars . The Dad 's smile quickly returned and after they came back inside , a roaring fire began and the family was warm . Later that night , after reading a story and saying prayers , the Dad told his son how proud he was of him and that it showed how responsible he was becoming to ask to help , without prompting . The son smiled and the grumpy Dad was gone . He was replaced instead by the proud Dad , who was seeing his son grow up before his eyes . It has been a particularly cold spell in Vermont lately . My car barely started the other morning as the thermometer dipped to less than ten below zero . It wasn 't too bad as others at work told me they saw twenty two to twenty five below zero . As the weather started to ease up Tuesday morning , I got up before everyone as per usual and after showering , woke Paula and the kids . She asked me what the temperature was and I went downstairs to check . I came back up and announced that it was almost twelve degrees . Paula rolled over and said , " Oh , good . " Yes , it 's once again time for the annual " Let 's Try to Get This Sucker to Run " season . At it 's best , your snow blower can be your best friend and it 's worst , it can help you break the world record for long distance snow shovel tossing . I just missed the record this year as I stopped myself in time , and called my local fix - it man , Sven ( not his real name ) . Sven is the type of guy you hope for in your neighborhood . After you have exhausted every avenue towards snow blower repair , like stepping back and staring at it , praying to God for it to just start , for crying out loud ; you call Sven . Here is my snow blower story for 2010 . I actually made all the right moves for attempting to get it moving . I put the gas stabilizer in the tank all last year and even this fall . I even pulled out the snow blower in the fall , prior to snow coming , and attempted to start that bad boy . I didn 't have any luck but boy , what an effort I made . So , this winter , after shoveling a couple small amounts , I thought it best to really make a better attempt at fixing it . To add to this , my neighbors , Fred and Ethel ( named changed as they are in a federal witness protection program ) , headed south for the winter leaving me their garage door opener so I could keep my car clean and semi - warm this winter . It is wonderful of them to do so but now I have two driveways to clean at 5 : 45 on a cold winters morning before I head to work . So , now I need this snow blower to work . I did what every none - mechanically inclined goof does and started googling my Toro snow blower for information . Since my machine was made back before fire was invented , however , no such manual existed unless I wanted to send $ 29 . 99 and the naming rights to my next born child to some website in Afghanistan . I declined that offer . I did get some useful free advice from several sources , but remember you get what you pay for . Perhaps it had some bad gas in it , so I emptied the gas tank , refilled it with new gas . I added some stabilizer , because hey , I 'm no dummy . Nothing happened . Well , not nothing , it actually started and ran for 1 . 1 nano seconds and then stopped . Heading to my local hardware store for some help , I was told by Kukla and Fran ( not Ollie and not their real names ) , that if I got it running , I should get some starter fluid , blast it into the carburetor and that would solve the problem . My next problem was finding the carburetor as since I didn 't get the manual on - line , I had no idea what that looked like . Not to be deterred , I got the started fluid , brought it home , pumped the primer button and it actually started and kept running while I pumped the button . Once I stopped however , it did too . I then realized that I had shut off the gas line before I went to the store and forgot to turned the dial back on . The next day , he did so . He fixed my pull cord , pumped the primer and it did not start . I sort of felt a little better , actually , as if Sven couldn 't start it , it 's no wonder I couldn 't . To make a long story longer , Sven took off the carburetor , clean the inside of it and the lines leading to it and . . . . it STILL didn 't start . Okay , now I 'm not feeling so good . Sven gave it a look . I suggested he take it home with him as perhaps I had bad Karma and the warmth of his home shop could help . He did so . Returning home later that afternoon , Sven had left the snow blower in front of the garage , all fixed . After replacing four or five different parts , it was all set . He gave me the bill , and he undercharged me as perhaps he felt sorry for this native Syracusan who couldn 't repair his own snow blower . I tipped him big time and thanked him , sending him home . Over the Christmas break , a couple instances involving the kids hit me , making me step back a bit . Example # 1 : It was time to make our world - famous Christmas cut - out cookies , which has been an annual tradition with me since I was me . My Mom , sister Lois and I used to make these every year . What 's really cool is that I still have many of the same plastic cut - outs that we used when I was little . We have the star , the Christmas tree , the gingerbread man ( " Not my gumdrop buttons ! ) and Santa . It 's just one of the many traditions that makes Christmas special for me . Now this day , Kate had a play date with a friend so Thomas and I were on our own to roll and cut out the dough . Kate and Mommy would return later to help eat , I mean , decorate the cookies with confectioners sugar , M & M 's , and a variety of sprinkles . I let Thomas help me but usually I roll it out , as cutting the cookies is the fun part . I grabbed the roller and Thomas asked if he could do it . I said sure and let him do it alone . You know , once I stepped back and just let him go at it , he did a great job . I offered some clues to help , added some flour to the batter and the rolling pin , just like my Mom used to do . But he did it and I felt quite proud , as did he . Kate tore open her package and read the instructions . She started putting pieces together and grabbed the nails . I reached over to hold the bottom piece so she could hammer in the nails . Suddenly , Kate shouted at me " I got it ! " . I really wanted so much to help her build her wooden train but she no longer needs my help . I stepped back and watched . She put the whole thing together herself and didn 't hit her thumb once with the hammer . It 's what you want your kids to do , grow up and do things themselves . But it 's probably harder for us parents to let go and let them do it . Proud and a little bit sad that I wasn 't needed , that was me . |
Following you is not easy . In fact , I grew tired of following you many years ago . I just simply forgot to stop doing it . It became habit . Thinking now I can 't remember when I noticed a difference in me . Maybe I was drinking coffee and was struck with the notion all at once . Perhaps it was something that developed overtime creeping through me like a spider crawling on top of sleeping bodies at night . What do I do now that I remembered ? Do I simply forget again or should I do something about it this time ? You appealed to me so . Your very nature and need for me so strong that I always felt as though I was locked in as if on a Ferris wheel with a bar holding me in place , going round and round peaking and falling . Other bonds have come and gone . Ours has remained steady over time breaking that which was important to me all along . Breaking me , no , I was broken long ago . This time might be different . I have found someone . Found someone again who can cure me of you . If you were here right now standing in front of me I would have the courage to tell you once and for all . I would tell you that you are no good for me . You lied to me . You said that we would make it and be happy . Brother , you lied to me . If you stood at my door I would cast you away . I would not go with you on your next hunt . It is entirely possible that I never knew what you were hunting . I just wanted to make sure that you would be okay . So I stayed or I went depending on what you needed . I know I would have the courage this time to dispel you forever with the promise that I would see you on the other side . Yes , that will be my promise to you . Brother , I will see you on the other side . It rarely rains in Los Angeles in October . Yet there it was , a wall of rain coming down as I tried to make my way to the grocery store . My wind shield wipers could barely keep up and left huge streaks reminding me that I needed to go to Shucks and get new wipers for my car and Jennifer 's car . I planned to make seafood fettuccine for our anniversary dinner . Today was our fifth wedding anniversary . When I reached the grocery store parking lot I circled a few times hoping to get a spot closest to the door so that I wouldn 't get soaked . I looked up at the temperature gauge in my jeep and saw that it was sixty - eight . Still pretty warm . There were about five cars circling the lot waiting for a closer spot to open . I saw someone walking toward me juggling keys and a bag of groceries . She stopped right in front of me . Perfect , this was as close as I was going to get . She tossed her bag into the backseat of her Honda and pulled out in front of me , I had to put my car in reverse and inch back a few feet to give her enough room . Just as she pulled away I saw headlights turn in front of me and park in the spot , my spot . Damnit ! She was a young thing , in her early twenties . I guess I was still pretty young too , only just thirty . She got out of the car and ran into the store . She had a very nice ass . A car honked behind me . It startled me into action . I pulled into a spot that was about in the middle of the lot . I scoured my back seats for an umbrella or coat or anything I could put over my head . Nothing . I made a run for it . I grabbed my cart and headed toward the seafood section . My flip flops squeaking against the linoleum floor at each step . The store was florescent bright in comparison to the dark clouds that loomed outside . After I grabbed clams , halibut , shrimp , and salmon , I turned down the pasta and sauces aisle . She stood in front of the canned fruit holding a can of mandarin oranges . She looked up at me as I passed and her eyes flickered with acknowledgement . " Hey , aren 't you Jennifer 's husband ? " she asked . " I , yeah , I 'm sorry I don 't remember your name , " I replied . " Oh , I 'm Molly . I work with Jen in accounting , " she replied . " We met at the Christmas party a couple months ago , " she added . I vaguely remembered her or that Christmas party . From what I did remember , I made a complete ass out of myself in vengeance . " Jen 's boss hired me as an intern and then brought me on full time after I finished college , " she said . So , I was right . That put her at about twenty - three . Her blonde hair fell down well past her shoulders framing her face . She was very attractive . " Hey , I was planning to walk over to Starbucks after and grab some coffee . This weather has got me down , " she said . I nodded in agreement with that . Most Californians do not like the rain . " Would you like to join me ? " she asked . Before I could stop myself I agreed to meet her over there after I finished up with my shopping . She agreed and headed off toward the cashier . I found myself hurrying through the rest of the list my heart beating wildly . It had been years since a girl had shown any interest in me at all . Wait , what was I thinking , I was married and shopping for an anniversary dinner that I was about to make . I couldn 't go to coffee . Not with someone that Jen knows . It was weird how she referred to her as Jen . Only I call her that , and her family . The rain had let up a little but the clouds seemed even darker than before hanging like a blanket that could hide anything . I told myself that I was just going to get back into my car and drive home . That 's the kind of person I was . I wasn 't the kind of person to go have coffee with a strange , beautiful girl . She quieted down and seemed to be focusing intently on the foam at the top of her cup . Then she spoke and what she said made my heart plunge into my stomach . " I know about you and Jennifer , " she said . It came out like she was admitting to a lie . She was looking at me , watching my face . Did I know what she was talking about ? I thought I knew and my emotions caught in my chest like wildfire . My heart hammered as pure anger raced through my veins . I had told only one person . My brother . And here , Jen had told an intern . A twenty - fucking - two year old intern . The words what the fuck charged across my head like an insult . " It wasn 't Jen that told me , " she said . Oh great , that was supposed to make me feel a whole lot better . Now she had heard hear say , which means what , that her entire department knows , the entire office ? I felt like throwing up . She could tell that I wasn 't taking the news well . " Let me explain . Let me explain why I am here , " she said . Why she was here , wasn 't this a coincidence ? She had stolen his parking spot to get into the store to grocery shop . What the fuck ? " This isn 't easy to say and I want you to know that normally I wouldn 't get involved , but when I met you at the Christmas party a few months ago , well , I like you and it really bothered me and I wanted to help you , I have been thinking about it ever since " she said . Finally I found my voice , " Help me ? " I asked condescendingly . " Listen , " she said . " My apartment is just down the street . Could we go there to talk in private ? " she asked . Her face softened waiting for a reply . I felt my emotions calm slightly replaced with curiosity about how she found out and what she might know . " Sure , " I said quietly . We got up and headed toward our cars . " Why don 't you ride with me ? It will be easier , " she said . " Fine , " I replied . In the car , I clicked in my seat belt . She began to explain things more clearly . Her and Jen had become pretty good friends . They had both been in the same sorority at USC . The story took a twist that I was not ready for . At USC she had been involved with a couple women . My body stopped moving and I didn 't make a sound as I let her words sink in . at some level everything she was telling me felt right . My head was swimming by the time we reached her apartment . We got out and walked up two flights of stairs . She opened the door to her apartment , which was small , but well decorated . " Can I get you anything ? " she asked . " No , thanks . Well , how about some water ? " I asked . We sat on her couch , each of us on separate ends . I began peppering her with questions . I wanted details . I was sick and tired of not knowing . Not knowing why my own wife had never had sex with me before . She had given me many reasons , well not really reasons , more like excuses . We didn 't have sex before we got married because she wanted to wait . Then she didn 't want to have sex on our wedding night because she was too tired . Later it became clear to me that she was terrified of have sex . We had tried everything from counseling to going to her OBGYN just to make sure that she was capable . The hurt and rejection ran deep . So deep in fact that I had killed off that piece of me completely just to cope . In the beginning I would take care of myself , but then I gave that up , and let it go , for the sake of our marriage . I had confided in my brother only , after about a year . He told me to get a hooker . That was the last time I talked about it . I was lost in thought . Molly brought me back to reality . " I followed you to the store this morning , " she confessed . " Why ? " " Because I know that today is your anniversary and like I said before , when I met you at the party , I really liked you . And , Jen , she is having an affair , " she blurted out . By this point I had gone through such a fierce range of emotion that the latest bit of information stung only a little , although I new that wouldn 't last . I sipped on my water calculating if I really wanted to ask a follow up question . " With who ? " I managed . Molly 's eyes fell to the floor . " With me , " she said . Tears pooled at her eyelids and fell streaking her cheeks . I was completely speechless . " I don 't blame her . " I said . The words hung in the air like the dark clouds looming just outside . Molly managed a weak smile . She moved in closer to me and rested a hand on my leg . I flinched . " I just want you to know that I am sorry , " she said . " Yeah ? " I asked . I felt like my body had been squeezed dry like an orange in a juicer . The water I sipped rusted on my tongue . " I want you to know that I like you too , " she said . I didn 't answer her . Instead I reached for her hair . Her long blonde hair and pulled her onto me . I didn 't care anymore about wrong or right . I was going to take this and then I would find a new life . I would start over again . She awoke to screaming … her own screaming . Irene 's mother opened the door and flipped the light switch . Light filled the room illuminating her daughter 's pink hide - a - bed and the pile of stuffed animals in the corner . She had a picture of Robert Pattison hanging to the right of her window above her desk . He was the most popular celebrity crush to have at her high school . Her mom sat coddling her . She probed to find out what her nightmare was about . It was her fourth nightmare that week , which wasn 't like her . Her mom had to know that something was up . She had been watching her like a hawk since it happened . It was two weeks before graduation and Irene was glad to be rid of high school . College would be better . She would be able to forget . She would be able to move on . Mr . Franz was a decent looking middle aged man . It was rumored that he had a smoking hot wife and three young daughters . He probably wasn 't even middle aged . He was probably in his mid - thirties , which was younger than her mother . His door was opened so she walked into the doorway and peeked at his desk . He was on the phone , but quickly hung up and told her to go in and sit down . " How are things going ? " he said . " Fine , " replied Irene with a shrug . She focused at looking him straight in the eye . She would show that she had nothing to hide . " Some of your teacher 's have talked to me recently about how you have been kind of distant , " he said . Irene sat there determined to appear like she was giving what he said great thought . She allowed her eyes to tear slightly before she spoke , but she made sure that her voice remained calm . " I haven 't felt myself , really . I mean , how would you feel if you lost your best friend ? " she asked . The expression on his face changed from alarm to compassion . He dropped his shoulders slightly and put his hands on his desk . " Yes , I bet this has been pretty hard on you , " he said . She wanted so badly to ask if the police had been by the school again asking questions . They had questioned her the day after it happened . She had been tearful and quiet . Answering their questions was too much of a burden on her . Mr . Franz pulled out a yellow hall pass and initialed it . " It is almost your lunch time . Why don 't you head to the cafeteria early if you want to , " he said . ' Thanks ' . Irene got up and took the pass from his hand . " And Irene , please come see me anytime you want to . My door is always open , " he said . ' Okay ' . With that , Irene turned softly and nonchalantly walked out of his office . She meandered through the halls on her way to the lunch room . The lockers that used to seem dull in color now seemed to pop out of the walls in bright orange . Images flashed in her head like lightening strikes . Her senses had been heightened to the world all week . Sights and sounds were sharper and brighter . But when she closed her eyes she was haunted . In her mind she saw the delicate pale face of her beloved friend . Her lips had turned blue and a small streak of blood escaped from the right side of her tender mouth . She had laid there lifeless staring back with her dark dead eyes into Irene 's very soul . Charlotte , her love , was the only one who knew , she was the only one who would ever know . The prior week had been a pivotal moment in Irene 's life . She had been given an ultimatum and she didn 't like it . Their relationship had floated under the radar unseen and untouched for three years . She couldn 't understand why Charlotte would want to damage what they had together . They had almost been caught a few times . Sometimes Charlotte 's mom would get home early from work , but they were always careful to be ready . Irene 's mom could never know . Irene was the perfect daughter . She didn 't want to fall victim to an adulterated life when she could go on living something so perfect , so pure . They had fun together , understood one another , and could have gone on living that way for an eternity . The bell rang which signaled that her lunch period was about to start . She joined a stream of kids headed into the lunch room . Her mind played tricks on her and she was certain she saw Charlotte in the crowd . She scanned the crowd again . Of course she hadn 't seen her . Charlotte was dead . She joined her group at the lunch table by the windows . They were large round tables that easily fit about ten people per table . She had sat with the same group since the first week of school . A couple people came and went over the last couple years , but the core group remained . She had one other close friend , Josh . Then there were three girls who she sometimes hung out with in larger groups . Josh had been pining for her since grade school . He was nice looking and she allowed him to take her to school dances . She would go with Josh and Charlotte would go to the dances with his best friend , Todd . It worked out perfectly ; they would always go in a small group of four or a larger party group . Irene even let Josh make out with her sometimes . It wasn 't so bad . He was a decent kisser and he had a strong body . He thought Irene was the prettiest girl at school . It was true that Irene was very pretty . If she had wanted to she could have been one of the popular group and try out for cheer . She had long since made the decision that she hadn 't wanted anything to do with that . Josh was her friend . She told him that she didn 't want a serious relationship with him . And he said that was fine , but she could tell that it both bothered and perplexed him . He sometimes commented on Irene and Charlotte . How they seemed closer than most friends . How they were always together . He thought it was weird that they had slumber parties on most school nights . Irene picked at her dry sesame bagel while everyone else at the table gabbed and ate . Josh sat quietly besides her not knowing what to say . Every once in a while he turned to Todd and made a joke or made fun of someone and the two of them would laugh . Irene had barely eaten all week . She was already thin so it went unnoticed . She just couldn 't keep anything down . Her mom had made spaghetti and meatballs the night after the incident . Normally , spaghetti was Irene 's favorite meal , but it had sent her stomach into convulsions . She had fled from the table during the meal and had barely made it to the toilet before hurling her guts out . Her mom thought it was grief . If her mom only new . The first lunch bell rang which signaled it was five minutes before the next period . Irene needed to head back to her last class to grab her backpack for her next class , geometry . She loved math class . Math made sense to her . She hated English . She hated being graded on something that was completely subjective . With math you are either right or you are wrong . At the end of the school day Irene began to feel uneasy again . She couldn 't quite put her finger on it , but she felt like something was about to happen . Most likely just paranoia she told herself . She reached into her locker to grab her Spanish workbook and her jacket . A hand touched her shoulder and she jolted . " Oh , sorry , " said Josh . " I didn 't mean to scare you , " he said . " You okay ? " His arm was gently placed on her right arm and he was looking into her eyes . He was pretty mature for a fifteen year old . He wasn 't so bad . Maybe she could like him . That would be different . It would definitely be less complicated . " I , you , didn 't scare me , " she stammered . " I just , um , was getting my stuff . " " Yes , I figured that much out , " he replied with a small smile . " Are you busy today ? " he asked . " I , um , not really , I don 't think , " she said . Irene quickly thought that this indeed could be a good thing . If it appeared that she was allowing a boy console her , then she would look better , to everyone . It made sense . " Want to come over ? " she asked . They pulled into neighborhood . After turning the corner into her cul - de - sac she gasped . There were two police cars parked alongside her house . Luckily Josh was following her in his green Ford ranger , so he couldn 't see that she was freaking out . She took deep breaths to calm herself . The officers had said they would be visiting again , after she had a couple days to digest things . That was their word not hers . " Digest " things ? She could feel her mouth salivate . Irene parked her car in the drive and got out . The fresh air helped her to regain her composure . Suddenly , she wished Josh wasn 't here . Then she retracted her thought . If she played this right , it could really work to her advantage . He parked his truck along the curb , on the opposite side from the two police cars . Josh walked over to her with questions in his eyes . " Maybe I should go , " he said . " No please . This is just a normal visit . " She let out a slight burp and inhaled air deeply . He hadn 't noticed . Her stomach was in knots and she fought the urge to throw - up in the brush behind him . Then she did something rash . Irene stood up on her toes and kissed Josh . She needed something to do , she needed to feel something else , otherwise her sickness would take over her body . Irene pulled away after a long deep kiss . She felt a little bit calmer , a little bit more in control . He , on the other hand , was be fumbled . His eyes looked a little far off . She couldn 't tell if he was confused or what . She didn 't care . Irene took his hand and led him into the house . Hand in hand , her and Josh , walked slowly into the kitchen . There was a male officer and a female officer . The man was fat a shorter than the woman . The woman didn 't look like a police officer at all . She looked like a stay at home mom . She was reasonably fit and wore her blonde hair long , but pulled back in a pony tail . She didn 't look like the type of person ready for battle . Perhaps that was her edge . These thoughts Irene had fleeted in a moment . Her insides were rearing . Her body wanted to bolt out the front door and run until her legs gave way . There was a folder open on the granite counter top . She saw pictures of Charlotte . It was exactly how Irene had left her , with that looming stare and her mouth slightly ajar . Irene leaned in to Josh more closely appearing to be looking for comfort . Irene 's mom looked tired . Irene wondered how long the cops had been at her house . What had they been asking ? Irene 's alibi wasn 't exactly solid . And of course Irene had fingerprints all over Charlotte 's room . That was easy enough to explain . She was there all the time . They were best friends . Irene 's claim was that she had been at her favorite bookstore during the time of the murder . She hadn 't bought anything . She had just done her usual , which was scanning all of the magazines on the shelves . It was something that she did often , so it was almost believable . She would just stick to her story . That was the best way . She let the officers question her . She answered every question . She had practiced these lies over and over in her head during each sleepless and haunted night since the incident . The officers asked her questions for just over an hour . They looked to be finished and started to gather the files . Irene was relived when they closed the file with the picture of her face . Irene turned and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water . " Oh , I do have just one more question , " said the woman officer . Irene paused at the fridge as if she were contemplating what she wanted to snack on . For some reason , Irene didn 't want to turn around . " What 's that ? " asked Irene in the most casual and accommodating voice that she could muster . " Charlotte 's mom noticed that her bedside alarm clock is missing , " she said . The officer continued , " It was the only thing missing from her bedroom . " Charlotte 's heart was beating so wildly that she was certain everyone in the room could hear it too . She sipped on her bottled water . She needed a task , something to fixate on . She gently closed the fridge and turned to face them . They all seemed to be staring at her . She wondered if her face was flushing because she felt feverish . The water felt like ice traveling down her throat . Then she found her voice . That is weird , " replied Irene . She tried to sound as perplexed as they were . What they didn 't know is that very alarm clock . The " murder weapon " had been picked up by the garbage company just the day before . That alarm clock was traveling to its final resting place ; the landfill . Irene couldn 't tell if she sounded convincing enough . She felt lost . At this point anything could happen she guessed . She leaned her tired head on Josh 's arm and wrapped her arms around his side . It was a gesture se hoped they found normal and enduring . She had a boyfriend now . She had no motive to kill her very best friend in the entire world . # The officers departed . She didn 't know if they were satisfied . Irene couldn 't think about the possibility that they would be back with evidence . As far as Irene knew , she was headed of to NYU in a few short months . Her life would begin again then . She didn 't mind getting a little wet outside if it meant she could inhale a quick cigarette . She wasn 't a smoker per say , she just enjoyed one when she was out drinking . She leaned against the brick building . It was cold against her bare shoulder blades . She could have grabbed her coat from the coat check on the way out , but the line had deterred her and she was hot from dancing anyway . She could feel the music thumping through the wall into the club . The cold misty rain against her face awoke her senses and cleared her head . She smashed her cigarette onto the brick wall and let it fall to the ground . She showed her wrist stamp to the bouncer and walked through the tinted doors . It was her first time to this dance club and it felt nice to not know anybody . She enjoyed going out without her friends so she could have room to just be . She could act however she wanted . It was something she had just started doing in the last few months . If she was being completely truthful it was because all of her friends had boyfriends . Her best friend was even engaged . She was happy for them , but at the same time she was happy that she wasn 't them . At thirty - one , Rosalie , had never been in love and so couldn 't understand why they were all holed in their apartments on a Saturday night . She stopped in the bathroom to check her hair and face . There was one other girl in the bathroom stall . She had the mirrors to herself . She examined her outfit and her face . She leaned over the sink getting as close to the mirror as possible . There were tiny lines that had just recently emerged around her eyes , crows feet . All in all , she looked good . She looked even better than she did in her twenties . It probably had something to do with her daily trips to the gym . She had always exercised , but after turning thirty she took it to a whole new level . Every morning she swam laps for thirty minutes . During lunch she met her best friend , Betsy , for crossfit training close to her work downtown . In addition , she had given up her very favorite vice , ice cream . Before turning thirty she would allow herself one scoop of chocolate chip mint after dinner , but that was no longer . She 'd shed fifteen pounds and looked and felt better than ever . She walked back onto the dance floor and moved her body to the music . She liked what the DJ played . He kept the beat at just the right speed . She spent the night dancing with strangers and mingling with the bartenders . One of the bartender 's was gorgeous . She had left the bar went dancing with the intention of going back and asking him for his number . When she returned he had left for the night and there were now only two tending the bar instead of three . She shrugged her shoulders . She grabbed her coat and stepped out to hail a cab . " You smell like smoke , " said Betsy as she glared at Rosalie . Rosalie had gone through three packs of Camel lights in the last six weeks . " Are you going through another " phase " again ? " she asked sarcastically . Back in college Rosalie had been a " smoker " for the entire summer between junior and senior year . " No ! " said Rosalie . ' I barely smoke . Anyway , let 's get some coffee . ' They were standing out front their favorite coffee house . They had spent many a nights studying at this coffee house when attending the art institute of Chicago . They walked in and stood in line . She couldn 't figure out if she also wanted to get something to eat . She 'd had a bowl of cereal before her morning workout , but could feel her stomach grumbling . She picked out a pannini from the pastry case by the time she made it to the front of the line . She dug into her purse for her debit card while ordering . The voice from behind the counter said , " that will be eight twenty six " . She looked up and saw him . It was the bartender from the night club . She felt immediately disoriented . She couldn 't tell if he remembered her or not . Probably not . She became self conscious and realized what she must 've looked like . She was in her workout clothes , no make - up , hair toppled in some kind of bun pony - tail combo on her head . She swore to herself internally and could feel her face flush . She handed over her debit card . His fingers grazed her hand ever so slightly as he grabbed the card . Her stomach flipped and rendered her speechless . She wanted so much to say something funny or witty or clever or even sarcastic . Nothing good came to mind . She signed her name on the receipt and stepped aside to wait for her latte . Rosalie waited until her and Betsy sat down before launching into the story about the man behind the pastry case . It wasn 't much of a story . She 'd talked to him briefly at the dance club and then he was gone . " You were going to ask for his number ? " asked Betsy . ' Yes ' . " Woah , that is crazy . You have never , ever asked a guy for his number , " she said . ' I know . ' ' There was just something about him . ' " Well , you should go talk to him , " she said . Rosalie hadn 't touched her sandwhich . She had lost her appetite . What she really wanted to do was to step outside for a cigarette , but she knew that Betsy would scold her . Besides she was ashamed of herself for having smoked so much lately . She would just throw the pack away . That was the best idea . Rosalie found herself lost in thought . Just the touch of his hand on hers had thrown her body into an absolute frenzy . She wondered what the rest of him could do to her . Rosalie was playing out scenarios in her mind of what she could say to him while Betsy rambled on about the details of her upcoming wedding and Rosalie 's responsibilities as her maid of honor . Rosalie wasn 't the least bit interested in her friend 's wedding details , but nodded periodically to feign interest and loyalty . She loved her friend , or course , but she had other things on her mind . Okay so she had one other thing on her mind . She finally figured out what she would do . She 'd waited until the line died down and just walk up to him and say , hey , I met you a few weeks back when you were bartending at Cacho 's . " Okay , I am going to go talk to him now , " she announced the Betsy . " Too late , " said Betsy . " I think he just left because there is a girl up at the register now , " she said . ' Damn ! ' ' If I wasn 't such a baby about it . ' " Yup , pretty much , " said Betsy with a smirk on her face . She then started listing of the things that needed to be done for her upcoming engagement party . It was the day of Betsey 's engagement party and Rosalie was feeling restless and she didn 't know why . The dress she picked out fit perfectly , but she couldn 't get her long hair to commit to a good style . She decided to straighten it , but then wasn 't sure about how it fell over her dress straps so opted for a sleek pony tail that showed off her high cheekbones . She had stuck to her word , well the commitment she made to herself , and stopped smoking , again . It helped that she had gotten a terrible cold , which made her realize that what she was doing to her body was just not okay . She 'd chewed Nicorette gum in the beginning just to calm her nerves . She kind of missed them , but it wasn 't too bad . She drove to the bakery and picked up the " Congratulations on Your Engagement " cake . It was the only errand that Betsy 's mom had asked her to do . She was an hour early to the party so that she could help with last minute details . When she pulled up there were already quite a few cars in the driveway . She was sure that she was early , but she felt a little panic rise at the thought that she misunderstood something . She walked in with the cake . She could tell instantly that she was just fine . There were just a lot of family members already there hanging out and drinking on the back patio . Betsey 's parents had lived in that house for Rosalie 's whole life . Rosalie had many fond memories as a child playing hide and seek and spending the night . She hadn 't been over in years though because she hadn 't any reason . It was nice to be there again . Her own parents had moved to Palm Springs after she 'd graduated college . She saw them a couple times a year . Rosalie put the cake in the extra fridge in the garage . She walked back into the kitchen and saw Betsy and Roger making mimosa 's in the kitchen . Rosalie liked Roger . He was by far the best guy that Betsy had ever dated . Rosalie hadn 't felt much for Betsey when she announced her engagement . However now , looking at the two of them in the kitchen , the occasion of it filled her heart . Roger looked up and saw that she was standing there watching them . He walked over and gave her a big brotherly hug . " Rosa ! " Rosa is what Betsy had always called her because when they were younger Betsy had a hard time saying her full name . She would pronounce it Rosawee , so someone , not sure who by this point , had taught her , Rosa . " I have someone for you to meet ! " said Roger with a big goofy grin on his face . Rosalie looked behind him and noticed that Betsy shared the same goofy grin . Rosalie immediately felt a little anxious . She knew this look . It was the " we found the perfect guy for you " look . They were endlessly trying to fix her up with someone most likely to make their own lives easier . She loved her friends , but wish they could just give it a rest . Rosalie rolled her eyes and shook her head playfully . ' Not interested . This is your day . Let 's not ruin it . ' " No , really , Rosa . " He said . " He is my cousin . Well my cousin through marriage . My aunt remarried and it is her new husband 's son , " he said . ' Your what ? Never mind ! You guys , you know I hate it when you do this . Now this whole evening will be totally uncomfortable . " " Rosa , listen , " said Betsy . She gave Rosalie the look . It was the look she always gave her to try to make something seem very serious . " Just come with me , " said Roger . He grabbed her arm and gently guided her out onto the deck with Betsy trailing behind . They walked past the people sitting on the deck down to the lower level where there was a pool and more tables set beside it . " When did you parents get a pool ? " asked Rosalie . " Last summer , " said Betsy without further explanation . There were a few people sitting at the table , all friends of Roger 's . Then she saw him . He was sitting with his side to her , but she knew it was him from his profile . His dark hair was a little bit longer than last time and a bit disheveled . It looked even better . He looked up and met her eyes . Her stomach jolted and her senses doubled , maybe tripled . The spring air , which before smelled good , now smelled ripe with flowers and warmth . Even the dirt freshened from the morning rain smelled sweet and delicious . The sky around her changed color and her heart leaped beating rapidly in her chest . This is what it felt like to know instantly . She 'd read about it and watched movies about it , but had never before experienced what it meant . He created his own problems . He knew that . He was practical enough to understand that life is constant ebb and flow between cause and effect , decision and consequence . Only once before this was he faced with a life changing situation where he was thrust into a decision for better or for worse . Now , he faced two main problems . One was in the background his whole life waiting to come to fruition . The other was something that he had manifested all on his own out of sheer stupidity . Berkel sat in his doctor 's office gripping the chair 's wooden arms and tried to not listen to what she had to say . She explained how he would need to do some research now while it would be easy . He should find someone that he liked and who he trusted to work with during the transition . He should look for a new apartment that wasn 't on the top floor of a building that didn 't have an elevator . He should prepare for the inevitability that he was about to lose his vision . These were not the words he wanted to here . He thought he would have had at least another ten years before something like this happened . He had known since childhood that it could happen , but a person can never be ready . At twelve he was diagnosed with child onset diabetes , type two . It had gone undiagnosed for almost a year which had heavily taxed his liver and kidneys . By the time he was diagnosed and prescribed regular insulin injections his eye sight had already taken a hit and he had to wear glasses . His doctor then had said that the long term effects of not treating it earlier would most likely lead to blindness one day . At the time , like any smoker who knows that they will die from lung cancer someday , it did not really faze him . Berkel was not your typical kid . At eight years old he had taken to charcoal drawing like a baby takes to the nipple . When he turned eleven he switched to watercolor and at fifteen he was painting with oil . While other kids were watching Sesame Street on television he would watch Bob Ross . His bedroom wall was plastered with beautiful women like most teenage boys , but his favorite poster was of Starry Night over the Rhone . He was both transfixed and disgusted by the life of Vincent . Through his years as a painter he had experienced some highs and some definite lows . Some of his still life 's had sold for near five thousand dollars in a gallery in Boise near his home . But those were too few and far between . He had sold a fifty five by forty inch oil painting of the Sun Valley landscape for thirty thousand dollars to a hotel when he was just twenty two . It had been a god sent because his wife , Jocelyn , lost her job and they were just about to foreclose on their small house . Being an artist was all he knew to do . He tried a couple other jobs just to make more money for his wife and his daughter , but he could never hack it . He couldn 't sit in an office on the computer . That was not what his hands were meant for . He loved his family , but he was always looking beyond the horizon knowingly , waiting for the right time to go . Now , he was no longer in Boise . He had moved to Cannes , France on impulse after he separated from his wife after eighteen years of marriage . They had married young , because they 'd had a kid young . He had felt guilty leaving , but his daughter was a woman , just turned eighteen . His art had come to a stand still and he needed inspiration . Where better to find inspiration than France and Italy ? It only took seven months for him to find himself all over again . He found his edge , his calling as an artist . He made more money selling paintings on the boardwalk in Cannes then he did in five years in Boise . Something changed in him and passer Byers could see the fire spill from his paintings . He sent a big check to Jocelyn . They hadn 't officially divorced , but they were no longer exclusive in anyway . For now they agreed to be two drifters . She was focused on the restaurant she had bought . He sent money for her and for his daughter . He didn 't care how they used it . They had left on good terms and all in all she had been loving and supportive of his need to seek out his talent . To celebrate himself and his new found success he bought a black Mercedes convertible and drove up the coast to Monaco . His first trip he stayed at the glorious casino de Monte Carlo . It was decadent . He wasn 't much of a gambling man . He sometimes played friendly poker back home . He never had much money to lose . This time was different . This time his practical nature flew out the window . It met in direct proportion to how quickly his bank account had grown . He didn 't know it yet , but at almost thirty seven years old , Berkel faced disaster . He discovered that roulette infused his excitement more than most things he 'd tried in his life . At first he just watched and devised a plan of how he would play and win . His strategy was clever . He always stuck to the same group of numbers and often correlated them to his wife and daughter 's birthdays . His first time in he walked away ahead eight thousand dollars . His heart beat furiously on the drive back to Cannes from Monaco . The wind blew through his hair and he felt alive . His art work continued to sell and he felt he gained even more of an edge . He went to Monte Carlo every weekend and sometimes during the weeknights if he had made a good sell that day . His ego ran high and the sheer adrenaline from this new and exotic life fed his fury . It was six months later , since the first day he played , that he lost . He lost big . In his time there he 'd made some friends . One in particular took interest in him as an artist and a player . They would share stories over whiskey until the early hours of the morning . His name was Franco . Franco was a retired banker from Paris . Franco was there the night that Berkel lost big and gave his condolences . Berkel , was left with only two thousand dollars to his name and his rent was due the following week . His rent was five grand . Franco offered to lend him the money to cover it and a little extra . He knew he was good for it . Berkel would pay him back the following weekend . This went on for a few months . Berkel would get back in the black and then fall deep into the red . Franco would help him out . Not too much time went by before the being in the red became the norm and Franco was done with it . He wanted his money back and was ready to be rid of Berkel . Berkel walks out of the doctor 's office . He walks the seven blocks down to the water and stares out at the cruise ship anchored just off shore . His money would come in from those people , those wealthy American 's and British travelers who would want a piece of art to take home to remember their once in a lifetime vacation . The problem was that his debt to Franco far outweighed what he could bring in a week . He stared onto the horizon perplexed as to how he got into this mess . He would just have to cut out his gambling . At thirty seven his life was starting to feel as devastating and morose as his favorite painter . Vincent had shot himself and died at the age of thirty seven . That fate almost seemed optimistic in comparison to what faced him now . The glare of the sun off the water forced him to put on his sunglasses . He wished he could say that the sky looked anew and the water shimmered like it never had before , but that was not the case . He didn 't see things any differently now then the day before when he didn 't know that he would be blind in a month , maybe two according to the doctor . He had always seen things the way he was meant to see them . He had an acute artist 's eye and knowing that it would go away didn 't change what he already saw . Here he was faced with both problems . Destiny had caught up to him and in the meantime he had done something extremely moronic . To make matters even worse his daughter , now nineteen , had finished her first year of art school and was flying out to visit him for the summer . In just two years he had changed from a man who was most likely going through an early mid life crisis to just a man in crisis . He didn 't want to face his daughter . His pocket vibrated . He had turned his cell phone to vibrate in the doctor 's office . He looked at the caller id . It was Franco . He didn 't want to answer , but at the same time , he wanted to talk to someone . Hello . " Berkel , ces 't Franco , " he said . I know . Do you mind if we speak in English ? " Okay , no problem , " said Franco . Listen , Franco , said Berkel . " I just left the doctors office and found out that I am going blind . You are the first person I have told , " he said . His total bill to Franco had reached thirty one thousand dollars . Without a doubt it had added tension to their friendship . Franco knew that Berkel was an outstanding artist . Franco himself had taken a piece as payment for a portion of his debt . The line was silent and then he spoke . " Mon amis , Je regrette , " which meant , my friend , my apologies . He sounded sincere and it felt good for Berkel to speak the words . Next he would tell his wife . " I will get you your money before I am incapacitated , " said Berkel . " Your friendship is important to me and I have been living a fool 's life , " said Berkel . " You are going blind ? For sure ? He asked . " Yes , that is what the doctor said and it has always been a possibility , " he replied . " Mon amis ! Your art will be worth even more than before , now that you won 't be able to paint anymore originals , " he said with his thick French accent . What he said cut like a knife , but Berkel listened on . " Paint me two of your finest ever pieces and I will take them in exchange to write off all that you owe me , " he said . " You have a deal , " replied Berkel . " How much time do you have , " he asked . Berkel 's eyes burned with tears of resentment , not at Franco , but at the world in general . " I should have another month or so , " he replied . " Okay . I will come by your place in a month then , " he said . " Okay . On se parle bientôt , " said Berkel . He hit the end call button and then dialed his wife . He didn 't have much time to be depressed . He had two paintings to create . They had to be his best ever and he only had a week before his daughter , Marcy , would arrive . He 'd asked his wife not to tell her anything , but at the same time knew that was probably impossible . They talked about everything . Especially him , he was sure . The first thing he did was cancel his lease on his apartment . He moved his meek belongings to his new apartment on the bottom floor of a small complex right near the water . If he couldn 't see the ocean he damn sure wanted to be able to hear it . He set up his painting supplies in the front balcony and set to work . The first one came to him in a breeze . It was something he had dreamt about as a little boy , but never dared to paint . He rarely did portraits , but he had seen a face of a man in his dreams and could still remember him . He would call it Old Vincent . He felt it was a depiction of what Van Gogh might have looked like had he not killed himself at a young age . Old Vincent looked fuller of life and more content than the self portraits Van Gogh created of himself . Maybe he had finally found love again and was able to keep it . Or maybe he gave into life 's flaws and quit his grievance . By the time he had finished his first painting it was the day he was to pick up Marcy . He grabbed a chauffer to the airport . He 'd liquidated his Mercedes . He would have just had a car pick her up and bring her down the coast , but he wanted to greet her himself . It had been two years since he 'd seen her . He was nervous . At the airport she was waiting outside the baggage claim exit doors . Berkel got out of the car and walked to hug her . She greeted him with a huge smile . Her long brunette hair was pulled back in a pony tail . It barely looked as though she 'd spent the last sixteen hours traveling . When he pulled away he saw that her eyes were wet . " Well , I guess your mom talked to you about it then ? " he asked . Her expression was of worry mixed with anger . " She told me everything , dad , " she said . " You have been living like a buffoon , " she said . Berkel didn 't have much of a response . " Let 's get out of here , " he said . On the drive back to his apartment he told her everything . She told him about her first year in art school . It was like no time had past at all since they last saw each other . They had stayed in touch via email and telephone , but it wasn 't the same , as in person . In the weeks that followed she helped him to get settled . He had nights when he would wake up in the dark and think , this is it , I can 't see . He would reach for his bed side lamp and be able to see just fine . He finished his two paintings and gave them to Franco . Franco was astounded by both of them , exclaiming that even if he didn 't go blind they should appreciate to be worth much more than his debts . They shook hands and said their goodbyes . It was getting dark . I 'd missed the last four tennis balls . I was off my game anyway . I couldn 't clear my head of work . My boss had been such a dick about my story . It was a solid story . I had cross checked all of my references and knew that it was an iron clad indication of how our senator had managed the budget . My boss was a pussy when it came to printing the truth . I called out to Tom to end the game on account of I could no longer tell if my ball was on the line or not when I hit it cross the net . And since I hated battling him about line points I figured it best to call it . " Wanna grab a beer at Sill 's ? " Sill 's isn 't really the name of the pub . It is what the locals call it because it is on Sill 's road . " Nah , I need to head home , " he replied . He was still catching his breath as we collected our balls . " Promised Sal that I would help her with dinner tonight , " he said . " Next time then … It 's probably better . I should head home and get some work done . " " Ah , yes , the infamous novel , " said Tom . " How is it coming along ? " he asked . " Ehh . " I shook my hand to motion so - so . In reality it was going much worse than so - so , it wasn 't really going at all . We crossed the parking lot to where our cars were parked . He drove a new BMW , white with black interior . Tom never got his degree , but managed to do very well for himself . While the rest of us were broke on our butts trying to make it through college , he was raking in the dough working in sales . He is my great reminder that there are many ways to make it in this world . My car , a used Wrangler , with one hundred forty - six thousand miles on her , ran like a beauty and got me where I needed to go . We lived on Whidbey Island just northeast of Seattle , WA . I inherited a small house on the double bluff after my grandfather died . I 'd lived on the island for just two years , but it always felt like home to me . I used to spend the summers with my grand parents , and so I always regarded myself as one of the island kids . There were a pack of us , Tom being one of them . The rest of the pack had long since gotten the hell outta dodge , but I loved it . I only went into the office a couple days a week , at most . Tom did sales from his home office and only drove into the city for important meetings . He married a girl from Seattle a few years back and since then they bought a nice house on snob hill which is an enduring term for a wealthy neighborhood we used to teepee often when we were kids . " See you Thursday , same time , same place , " he called out behind him . " Yeah , take it easy . " I pulled the car into the gas station and got out to fill my tank . While it was filling I ran in and grabbed a six pack of Heineken . I went back out and topped off my tank . I climbed back into my JEEP and started her up . By the time I turned to head up the hill toward my house it was near dark . I could make up a shadow just up ahead on my right . It was the dress lady . I named her the dress lady because she always walked from the neighborhood just below my house , which I assume is where she lives , to town and back wearing a dress and sandals . She would wear a coat over her dress and socks with her sandals during the colder months . It was the end of August , which is about the prettiest time of year in the Puget Sound so no need for the coat or extra outerwear . Still it was getting dark and I did not usually see her out this late . I have thought about pulling over and checking to see if she wanted a ride , but in the past I never had . I noticed that she talked to herself . Sometimes it looked like she was having an angry conversation with the asphalt . I could rarely make out her face when I passed by . She was older , I think , but it is possible that life made her look older than she is . I would see her carrying bags of books and groceries . Her trips to town must have taken her all day . It was at least six miles to the grocery store and another two miles to the library from her neighborhood , which would make a round trip about twelve to sixteen miles . No wander she was thin . I 'm not sure if it was the fact that it was growing very dark or the expression on her face when I passed that made me do it . I pulled over a few yards ahead of her . I left the car running and got out to greet her . " Can I give you a lift up the hill ? " She didn 't look up at me . Instead she replied downward to the sidewalk . " I live at the top of the hill , " she said . " That 's what I thought . Here let me help you with your things . " " No ! " Again she spoke not to me directly but downward . Okay . I started back toward the JEEP and I heard her follow me . I opened the passenger door and thought twice about helping her in . I decided to just walk to my side and let her be . We started up the hill together . The silence didn 't feel nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would . Her three plastic bags sat two at her feet , one on her lap . I noticed that she continued to grasp the car door handle as I drove . " You walk to town everyday ? " " Just about , " she responded . I put my right blinker on to turn into the neighborhood where I assumed she lived . It was the only neighborhood nearby before turning up the bluff where there were only a handful of homes , much bigger than my own . " No . " she said . She signaled for me to stop the car at the front of the neighborhood . " Well , thanks ! " She said in a cheerful voice that didn 't at all fit her personality . " You are the first person you has ever offered me a ride , " she said . " You 're welcome . Hey I am probably going to run into town for a coffee around nine tomorrow morning if you want a ride into town . " " That would be great . I will be right here at nine , " she said . " Okay , great , see you then . " At home , Boomer greeted me wildly at the door . I usually took her to the courts with me , but she was wearing the cone of shame to keep from licking a sore spot that had just been treated . Other than Boomer , my sixty pound golden retriever , I lived alone . I was engaged once , but broke it off when I was twenty - nine , just before I moved out here . Partly it was because she wouldn 't move to the island with me and partly because I finally admitted to myself that it just didn 't feel right , at least night right enough to get married . My life had been pretty simple the last few years . Often Boomer and I would comb the beaches surrounding the island . She loved running after the gulls and the sprays that the gooey ducks made . I loved the beach . The fresh cold air that often whips around and sometimes cuts like a knife grounds me and feeds my in a way nothing else can . I love sunny days when a cool breeze feels like a gift , but my favorite time is when a storm rolls in a takes over the bay , howling through the large evergreens , tossing branches , and ripping waves against the tide pools . I meant to work on my novel once I got home , but I was exhausted . I cracked a beer and plunked down on the couch to watch the Mariners game . I must have dozed off somewhere in the seventh inning . Boomer was barking in my dream . I was having the strangest dream . The woman that I gave a ride to was running circles around my house , but it wasn 't exactly my house I was in , it looked more like Tom 's house , but it was still on the bluff . She was running quickly and every so often looking back at me . Our eyes would meet and I couldn 't look away . I couldn 't tell if I was chasing her or if I was just watching her . It took me a minute to realize she was completely naked . Her body was beautiful and her skin glowed ever so slightly . Her hair reached down her back and gently glided like a veil as she ran . Then she stopped and stared at me . She stood there as the big starry sky and the light of the moon shown behind her . She was standing on the edge of the bluff backing up very slowly , but not releasing eye contact with me . I outstretched my arm to touch her and she opened her arms wide and allowed her body to fall silently backwards off the bluff . I woke up to Boomer barking . I was breathing heavily . It was one thirty in the morning . The dream that had once felt so real quickly evaporated . I let Boomer out to the bathroom and then we went to bed . The next morning I woke up at seven sharp , like every morning . Boomer and I went for our morning run , five miles of winding trails behind my house . I logged into my work email to see if there was anything important . I responded to a few emails then showered . I was in my JEEP at eight fifty five . I drove down to the spot where I 'd agreed to meet the lady . I would ask for her name this time so that I could stop calling her the dress lady . I felt a little odd having had such a vivid dream about her . However , I couldn 't be sure that my dream was actually supposed to be about her . It didn 't totally look like her , except I just knew that it was her in my dream . I slowed the car down and pulled to the side of the road . She wasn 't there . It was two minutes after nine . I didn 't mind waiting a couple extra minutes . I reached behind my seat to grab the newspaper that I had stashed there to take to the coffeehouse . My passenger door opened abruptly which caused my heart to jump . She slid into the passenger seat and shut the door . This was not the same lady that I had picked up yesterday or that I had seen walking back and forth from town the last couple years . This woman was dressed in jeans , a red sweater and had long wavy blonde hair . She must have seen the befuddled look on my face because she broke out into laughter . " Don 't look so shocked Scott , " she said . It took me a second to register that she had addressed me by name . " I don 't know your name , how is it that you know mine ? " " My name is not important , but if you 'd like you can call me Lucy , I have always loved that name , " she said . " Okay then Lucy , " I replied , audibly sounding a bit weirded out . " Forgive me for sounding rude , but you are not acting at all like , well … you . " I realize that my remark probably gave away too many of my prior judgments , but it was out there now . " Not acting like me ? " she asked . She was wearing a smile and was obviously enjoying the rhetoric . " But you don 't even know me , " she said . This was in fact true . I did not know her , but every time I saw her walking she was wearing a frumpy dress and a pair of Birkenstocks . Forgive me for noticing superficial things , but I was pretty sure she now had on a pair of black heels . Without knowing what else to do I put the car into drive and we headed down the hill toward town . She was staring at me , which was opposite of what she had done the previous day . It was definitely making me feel uncomfortable . " How is your book coming ? " she asked . " How do you know that I am a writer ? " " Let 's just say I have a vested interest in your novel , " she replied . " Is that so ? " " Yes . " She said without hesitation . " So let 's talk about how it is going . So far you have written about half the book , but you have barely touched the thing in months , " she said . " Okay , weird , weird , weird , who are you ? " " I … Am … Your muse , " she said . " Ha ! Well of course you are . " I glanced at her in the passenger seat . She was sitting there bright eyed with a beautiful smile beaming back at me . I figured it best to play along because , well , she was beautiful and I was a little interested . " Okay , for the sake of time and so that I don 't say something rude , go ahead and explain . " She waited a couple beats and then cracked her window . She sucked in the fresh air , as did I . " Do you ever take the top off and just drive ? " she asked . " You 're changing the subject . " " I am not changing the subject , Scott , I absolutely have a purpose to this question , " she replied . Fine I 'd play her game . She 'd peaked my curiosity . Her strange behavior had infected me and I was bound to get the bottom of it . " I haven 't taken it off this summer . Usually I take the top off each summer , but I just never got around to it this summer . " " True , " she said . That was all she said . We had reached the Java hut by this time . " I am going in for a coffee . Would you like to join me ? " She stared at me . It sent shivers up and down my spine . It was the same look she gave me last night in my dream . " No , I will wait here . You go in and grab your coffee . Then I want to show you something , " she said . " I do have work to do today , ya know . " " Oh , I know , " she replied . Something about her made me decide that either way I was going to end up complying with her . " Okay then . " Chelsea was working the counter . " Your usual ? " she asked . " Yup ! And toss in a sesame bagel . " I had a feeling I should eat something now . I walked back outside . The sun was out in full force beating on my face . It felt good . She was sitting in the driver seat . The top was off my JEEP . The radio was blaring . I slid into the passenger seat . " How did you get the top off ? " I 'd had the hard top on my JEEP which was impossible for me to take off by myself , so it left me perplexed by how she got it off so easily . " Where did you put it ? " " It is back in your garage , where it should have been two months ago , " she said . She pulled out of the Java hut parking lot and got on the highway . It was useless to try to talk because with the top off and the radio on , I could barely hear my thoughts , let alone have a conversation . I drank my coffee . I instantly felt the caffeine kick in . I sat back and let the sun and the breeze overtake my senses . I wasn 't sure why I was letting this strange woman lead me away . It felt right , to go along with it . I felt more alive and more relaxed than I had in many months . She turned off the main road onto a dirt road . I knew this road . I knew practically every road on the island like the back of my hand . The first summer I had my license my friends and me had camped everywhere it was legal and some places it wasn 't . We took our new girlfriends out to the different lakes at night , for more than just looking at the stars . She climbed the windy single lane path heading toward Lone lake . I wandered if she knew that is where I lost my virginity . I had an inkling that she did know . The JEEP bobbed and bounced along the path . The remnants of my coffee spilled out the small hole in the lid . She laughed loudly as she wrangled the steering wheel through potholes and around corners . She was breathtaking to look at . In life she was even more beautiful than the woman in my dream . She stopped the JEEP at the trailhead . It was a short half mile walk to the lake . We got out and she started walking . I was ready to talk . I was ready to get some answers about who she was and what this was all about . " Lucy , stop . " " We don 't have much time , Scott . Let 's keep going , " she replied . " What do you mean we don 't have much time ? " " We just have the day , " she said . " I am here to remind you , " she said . I could barely keep up with her . I considered myself an athletic person , but she was practically jogging instead of walking . " Remind me of what ? " She didn 't answer . We reached the lake . It was ten thirty and it was probably already in the high seventies . It would probably reach ninety by three in the afternoon . " Undress , " she exclaimed . " What ? " " Take your clothes off , " she said . She said this while taking her own clothes off and she was already half naked . The sun reflected off her pale skin . I felt inhibited by her crazy behavior . She undressed fully , allowing her clothes to scatter about . She walked toward the dock . At the dock she plunged off the side into the dark water . I was left there standing alone , while this strange , beautiful woman was swimming naked in the lake . I stripped down to my boxers and walked out onto the dock . The water looked a cold . " It feels amazing . Just jump in ! " she said . So I did . The rush of the water against my body caused my blood to pump ferociously through my veins . I surfaced and looked around . Lucy had swum about fifty yards in front of me . I swam after her . After another hundred yards or so , we reach the middle of the lake . " Look around , " she said . The lake was deserted . There were no houses around it because it was part of a reserve . It was very quiet and yet I felt very exposed . " It 's nice out . " " Nice out ? " she asked . " That is all you feel about this ? " she asked . " No , actually , I am confused . I don 't know why you are here , I don 't know why we are swimming in the middle of the lake on a Wednesday morning , when I should be back at my place working on my story , which is due by the end of the day tomorrow . I don 't understand why you were one person and now you are another . And I definitely don 't understand why you know and care about the book I am writing . " I finished . " Your book is meant to be written and it is meant to be read , " she said . " You are going to give hope about life and how to live to many people who have let themselves die , " she said . " Too many people complacently take life for granted because it doesn 't live up to their expectations . You are trying to right this book , but lately you have become one of them yourself , " she said . I couldn 't tell where this was headed . She kind of struck a cord , but mostly I felt like she was wrong . I was living a good life . I kept in shape , I was good at my job , I had friends . I had a life . " I am not talking about just merely having a life and living it day by day , " she said . Apparently she could read my thoughts . " Why did you pick me up yesterday ? Why yesterday and not any of the other days that have passed the last couple years ? " she asked . " I don 't know . " I didn 't know . I just decided to do it , to see . " It was getting dark , I guess , that is the main reason . " " Ah , it was dark , " she replied . " I trust I know the way home in the dark . Do you ? " she asked . This was starting to sound more like a riddle than an answer . " Frankly , this situation is strange . I am interested by you because you are strange and whatever you 're doing is eccentric , which by nature is interesting . I dunked my head under water and resurfaced . My head and body felt warm from tredding water . " As your muse it is my duty to free you so that you can finish your book , " she said . " Free me from what ? " " Yourself , " she answered . " Take my hand , " she said . She outstretched her thin pale arm . I took her hand . Her grip was hard , much harder than I could have imagined it being . She probably had a stronger grip than me and I 've played tennis for twenty years . " Take a deep breath , " she said . I did so and noticed that she did not inhale deeply . She pulled me under the surface and drug me below . Her skin began to glow , like in my dream . With every foot it got darker and her body subsequently became brighter . My ears popped from the weight of the water overhead . I could feel my lungs begin to burn . It had probably been about thirty seconds . Logs and fish and unintelligible debris flew past as we swam at the speed of racing horses . My lungs yearned for air and I could feel her grip tighten on mine as my body struggled to get away , to find oxygen . It felt like she was trying to kill me . My body convulsed under her grip and my head lightened . I felt myself no longer paying attention to what I saw , but instead I was being drug through the dark slimy water until my inevitable death . I saw stars ; the sky was full of them . I assumed I was fully unconscious by this point . I saw her running toward the cliff . I ran after her . She floated of the side of the cliff and made it look so easy . I felt lighter than air . I floated off the cliff right after her . I dove through the air . I couldn 't see an end in sight . I was completely unafraid because I could tell there would be no painful landing , there was nothing to stop me from floating adrift . Through my unconsciousness I felt that her hand was gone . My momentum changed and I felt my body being pulled up by the water . It felt like a rip tide and captured me and grabbed hold . My naked body surfaced onto gritty sand . My lungs were full of water . I retched water and my sesame bagel from earlier that morning . I lay panting on the cold hard sand . The sun beat down my back . I must have fallen asleep there . When I woke subtle waves drifting up my claves and back down past my ankles . The motion of the soft waves made me feel like I was moving . I opened my eyes and surprised to see where I was . I was laying on the beach below my bluff . My surroundings were surreal and I continued to contemplate that possibility that I was dead . I didn 't feel scared , really . I felt light . Which possibly meant I really was dead . I was thankful that I still had my boxers on because houses lined the beach where I would have to walk up the path to get up to my house . It was a surprisingly easy and short walk home . My car was parked out front , with the top off . The air was warm and a little sticky , which is uncommon for the Sound . It looked like it was early afternoon . " I don 't know Boom . " I shook my head at her . I pulled a beer out of the fridge and drank the entire thing in a few easy gulps . I belched loudly then slid down onto the floor and leaned my back against the cupboards . " I don 't know . " I didn 't talk to anyone the rest of the day . I didn 't check my emails . I just got dressed and walked around the house . I stopped every so often and stared out toward the cliff allowing my eyes to drift off into the horizon . The cliff meant more to me now . It was the cliff that I had floated over and came back anew . The following day I when I met Tom for our twice - weekly tennis match , he noticed something in me . He claimed that I looked different . He exclaimed that I had the same air he remembered me having when we were kids . I think he was right . I no longer felt that suffocating feeling like the world could collapse on me at any time and I could be pinned down with no where to go . I felt that there really was no where to go , but in a good way , and that changed everything . Every time I drove to town and back I looked for a woman in a dress carrying bags walking alone along the street . I knew she wouldn 't be there . She had done what she came to do . I finished my book that same month . It was published and on shelves the following spring . The following summer Boom and I swam out at the lake every few weeks . It was the place where I learned all a person needs to know . That you can choose to suffocate in the vast supply of air around you or you can float instead of falling because there is no end and nothing to run into . She slurped down her second dirty martini . She hadn 't eaten enough that day to suffice such an endeavor , but they were taking the edge off . Her waiter stopped by and dropped off her antipasto appetizer plate . She had been waiting an hour already and didn 't care anymore . She was going to eat something . " Can I get you anything else Ma ' am ? " he asked . Ugh ! Ma ' am ? ! " I 'll have another , " she said motioning to her martini glass . She was twenty - eight . It wasn 't as if she had just celebrated her forty - fifth birthday . There was no reason he should be calling her Ma ' am . He was probably twenty three himself , not that much younger . It made her feel even worse about her predicament . She had agreed to this blind date purely out of courtesy . Her new boss had set it up . She didn 't know how to get out of it , so alas , here she was , drinking alone , on a Tuesday night , when she could have been at home watching Heroes On Demand and fast forwarding through the commercials . Of course , the drinking thing wouldn 't have been any different . Although , she would have saved a bundle enjoying a nice glass of Pinto Grigio snug on her couch instead of spending ten bucks a pop on martinis . She hadn 't went on a date in months . Her last boyfriend broke it off with her for a girl he met while on a dig in South America . After finally getting over him , which took months , she picked one of the characteristics that bothered her most about him , him being short , and vowed to never date someone shorter than her again . In fact , this would mark the first date she 'd been on since . Since then she 'd also decided that being a workaholic totally made sense . She wondered why she had resisted it before . Working around the clock the last eight months had been absolute bliss . She 'd gotten promoted to senior account executive and received a substantial raise . Her plan was to work even harder in the months to come and potentially jump ship in an effort to get an even bigger promotion . She was always calculating and planning her next move . She owed her outstanding drive and work ethic to her mother . Her mother had lived on welfare for most of her upbringing . She had been an absolute embarrassment on a regular basis . She loved her mom , even more now that she had passed . The memory of her ignited a warmer glow than the reality of her contribution to Alyssia 's life . Alyssia strove to be everything other than what her mom was . She was hard working , planned her life and expected nothing but greatness in return . Eventually she would find the perfect husband , create a family of her own , and be admired for her perfection . She had no family . She never knew her dad . She relied on her best friend Jada , who was more like a sister and a mother to her than anyone she had ever known . She sat at her table tallying her bill in her head when she noticed someone approaching out of the corner of her eye . " Are you Alyssia ? He asked . She stood up quickly and took his outstretched hand for a quick hand shake . " Bruce . " He introduced himself . His hand was warm , not clammy , like hers had instantaneously become . " I am so sorry that I am late , " he exclaimed . He looked sincerely sorry and almost a little frightened . His face was adorable and his eyes were soft and kind . Overall he was nice looking and well presented . He had dark blonde hair . Best of all , he was tall . He had to be about four inches taller than her , which meant he was probably six foot one or so . Alyssia herself was pretty tall for a girl , like her mom , which was one genetic predisposition she actually took pride in . Alyssia wasn 't about to let him off the hook too easily for being late . " Are you able to stay or do you have something else you need to run to ? " she asked . His eyes widened and he did not reply . Yikes , she thought that maybe she was a bit too harsh with that . " I 'm just kidding . " She said . " No I deserve that . You see , I just got the oddest call a couple hours ago . " He explained . " I was on my way home from work to change before I came here to meet you when I got a call from a friend of mine . He works for the FBI . " Wow , this guy is pathological was all she could think . After she finished her martini she was going to fake an important call and flee the scene . She sat there nodding and sipping as he rambled on . It was too bad really , he was quite cute . After a couple minutes of feigning a look of interest she distinctly heard him say the words " back ground check " . " Wait ! " she said . " You had someone run a background check on me ? " she asked . " This is a date for Christ sake , not a job interview . Flag on the field ! " she said . Even though she hadn 't dated in a while , she knew when something just wasn 't going to work and she hated wasting time . Alyssia grabbed her purse and plopped down her credit card . " No wait . I know this sounds weird , but I just got out of a bad relationship last year and so I felt compelled , " he said . Alyssia just stared at him , not knowing what to say . " Listen , I know this is strange , and I wouldn 't even be telling you all of this if it weren 't for . " He stopped mid - sentence and let out a sigh . " The reason I am late is because I wasn 't sure I wanted to come and meet you . " Wow , this is awesome , you are awesome ! " she replied . " No , what I am trying to say … what I am going to say is very weird , " he said . " Oh , it 's just now about to get weird ? " She exclaimed . This didn 't seem to bother him . He continued on . He lowered his voice , as if all of a sudden he had a secret to tell her . " What I found out , what I am trying to tell you is that , Alyssia , you are my sister . He hesitated . I am your brother , " he said in a tone which sounded like he said this to convince himself of this truth . This was not what Alyssia expected to hear in the least . She was ready for something idiotic like he found out she went to a state college instead of an Ivy League or that when she was younger she had been quarantined from her classmates because of tuberculosis . But this , this came out of left field and left her speechless . When she finally regained her sense of reality she made the decision that he must be full of shit and that he was screwing with her . Maybe she was in a new reality show called Blind Date Candid Camera . That absolutely made more sense than the nonsense that was coming out of his mouth . She just sat a stared rationalizing these thoughts . When she finally looked up to meet his eyes she saw that they were brimmed with tears . " Is this some kind of joke ? " she asked . " No , Alyssia , this is not a joke , he replied . Alyssia stared at his face , into his eyes . It was his eyes , she had noticed them at first , but she didn 't put it together . He had her mother 's kind eyes . " I don 't know what to say . " She paused for a long moment . " How did you figure this out ? " she asked . He went on to explain that when his friend was running her background check that his own father 's name came up in the search . His friend got access to her original birth certificate which had both her mother 's signature and her father 's . The certificate that she herself possessed only had her mother 's name . He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a piece of paper . He slid the paper across the table . She read it over . Indeed the birth certificate said her name , Alyssia Charlene Whitcomb . She looked at his face again and felt her insides twist . Quickly her three martinis turned into a dull headache that throbbed just behind her eyes as she recounted what he had just told her . " Charlene , your middle name , is our grandmother 's name , " he said . Our father , Marcus , gave you that middle name , he continued on . Words flooded from his mouth for another minute or two , and then he fell silent again . It was most likely her lack of response that kept him from going on . " Alyssia , do you get what I am saying ? " He asked . " I had no idea that you existed . Dad never mentioned anything to me about you . " I tried calling him before I got here , but he didn 't answer , so I came anyway , " he said . He noticed she was picking at her fingernails again . " Are you okay ? " he asked . " No , I 'm not okay , she replied . " So what ? He 's alive ? Our father ? " she asked . " Yes , he 's alive . " " I also know that your mother passed away not too long ago , I am sorry , " he said . She didn 't reply . Questions that had no answers began brewing in her head . When she was growing up she 'd rarely pressed the question about her father . When she did ask , her mom told her that he had a new life that didn 't concern them and that sometimes that 's how things worked out . She knew her questions made her mom sad , she could see it in hers eyes . She didn 't want to make her mom sad , so eventually she stopped asking and at some point , she wasn 't sure exactly when , but the questions stopped mattering all together . The waiter came back with her bill and her card . Alyssia signed her name , realizing that she always signed it with a " C . " in the middle , which in the future might always cause her to think . She slid her card back into her wallet and stood up slinging her D & G handbag over her shoulder . Bruce looked amazed . " Don 't you want to meet him ? " he asked . She grabbed her coat and pushed in her chair . " Meet him ? She replied . " No , I don 't think so , Bruce , " she said . " Had he wanted that , this would have never had to happen , " she replied . With that she walked out the through the restaurant lobby , and through the front doors . She allowed the rush of cool air to fill her lungs and bring her life . She would walk home instead of taking a taxi and allow the air and the city to take her home . |
Following you is not easy . In fact , I grew tired of following you many years ago . I just simply forgot to stop doing it . It became habit . Thinking now I can 't remember when I noticed a difference in me . Maybe I was drinking coffee and was struck with the notion all at once . Perhaps it was something that developed overtime creeping through me like a spider crawling on top of sleeping bodies at night . What do I do now that I remembered ? Do I simply forget again or should I do something about it this time ? You appealed to me so . Your very nature and need for me so strong that I always felt as though I was locked in as if on a Ferris wheel with a bar holding me in place , going round and round peaking and falling . Other bonds have come and gone . Ours has remained steady over time breaking that which was important to me all along . Breaking me , no , I was broken long ago . This time might be different . I have found someone . Found someone again who can cure me of you . If you were here right now standing in front of me I would have the courage to tell you once and for all . I would tell you that you are no good for me . You lied to me . You said that we would make it and be happy . Brother , you lied to me . If you stood at my door I would cast you away . I would not go with you on your next hunt . It is entirely possible that I never knew what you were hunting . I just wanted to make sure that you would be okay . So I stayed or I went depending on what you needed . I know I would have the courage this time to dispel you forever with the promise that I would see you on the other side . Yes , that will be my promise to you . Brother , I will see you on the other side . It rarely rains in Los Angeles in October . Yet there it was , a wall of rain coming down as I tried to make my way to the grocery store . My wind shield wipers could barely keep up and left huge streaks reminding me that I needed to go to Shucks and get new wipers for my car and Jennifer 's car . I planned to make seafood fettuccine for our anniversary dinner . Today was our fifth wedding anniversary . When I reached the grocery store parking lot I circled a few times hoping to get a spot closest to the door so that I wouldn 't get soaked . I looked up at the temperature gauge in my jeep and saw that it was sixty - eight . Still pretty warm . There were about five cars circling the lot waiting for a closer spot to open . I saw someone walking toward me juggling keys and a bag of groceries . She stopped right in front of me . Perfect , this was as close as I was going to get . She tossed her bag into the backseat of her Honda and pulled out in front of me , I had to put my car in reverse and inch back a few feet to give her enough room . Just as she pulled away I saw headlights turn in front of me and park in the spot , my spot . Damnit ! She was a young thing , in her early twenties . I guess I was still pretty young too , only just thirty . She got out of the car and ran into the store . She had a very nice ass . A car honked behind me . It startled me into action . I pulled into a spot that was about in the middle of the lot . I scoured my back seats for an umbrella or coat or anything I could put over my head . Nothing . I made a run for it . I grabbed my cart and headed toward the seafood section . My flip flops squeaking against the linoleum floor at each step . The store was florescent bright in comparison to the dark clouds that loomed outside . After I grabbed clams , halibut , shrimp , and salmon , I turned down the pasta and sauces aisle . She stood in front of the canned fruit holding a can of mandarin oranges . She looked up at me as I passed and her eyes flickered with acknowledgement . " Hey , aren 't you Jennifer 's husband ? " she asked . " I , yeah , I 'm sorry I don 't remember your name , " I replied . " Oh , I 'm Molly . I work with Jen in accounting , " she replied . " We met at the Christmas party a couple months ago , " she added . I vaguely remembered her or that Christmas party . From what I did remember , I made a complete ass out of myself in vengeance . " Jen 's boss hired me as an intern and then brought me on full time after I finished college , " she said . So , I was right . That put her at about twenty - three . Her blonde hair fell down well past her shoulders framing her face . She was very attractive . " Hey , I was planning to walk over to Starbucks after and grab some coffee . This weather has got me down , " she said . I nodded in agreement with that . Most Californians do not like the rain . " Would you like to join me ? " she asked . Before I could stop myself I agreed to meet her over there after I finished up with my shopping . She agreed and headed off toward the cashier . I found myself hurrying through the rest of the list my heart beating wildly . It had been years since a girl had shown any interest in me at all . Wait , what was I thinking , I was married and shopping for an anniversary dinner that I was about to make . I couldn 't go to coffee . Not with someone that Jen knows . It was weird how she referred to her as Jen . Only I call her that , and her family . The rain had let up a little but the clouds seemed even darker than before hanging like a blanket that could hide anything . I told myself that I was just going to get back into my car and drive home . That 's the kind of person I was . I wasn 't the kind of person to go have coffee with a strange , beautiful girl . She quieted down and seemed to be focusing intently on the foam at the top of her cup . Then she spoke and what she said made my heart plunge into my stomach . " I know about you and Jennifer , " she said . It came out like she was admitting to a lie . She was looking at me , watching my face . Did I know what she was talking about ? I thought I knew and my emotions caught in my chest like wildfire . My heart hammered as pure anger raced through my veins . I had told only one person . My brother . And here , Jen had told an intern . A twenty - fucking - two year old intern . The words what the fuck charged across my head like an insult . " It wasn 't Jen that told me , " she said . Oh great , that was supposed to make me feel a whole lot better . Now she had heard hear say , which means what , that her entire department knows , the entire office ? I felt like throwing up . She could tell that I wasn 't taking the news well . " Let me explain . Let me explain why I am here , " she said . Why she was here , wasn 't this a coincidence ? She had stolen his parking spot to get into the store to grocery shop . What the fuck ? " This isn 't easy to say and I want you to know that normally I wouldn 't get involved , but when I met you at the Christmas party a few months ago , well , I like you and it really bothered me and I wanted to help you , I have been thinking about it ever since " she said . Finally I found my voice , " Help me ? " I asked condescendingly . " Listen , " she said . " My apartment is just down the street . Could we go there to talk in private ? " she asked . Her face softened waiting for a reply . I felt my emotions calm slightly replaced with curiosity about how she found out and what she might know . " Sure , " I said quietly . We got up and headed toward our cars . " Why don 't you ride with me ? It will be easier , " she said . " Fine , " I replied . In the car , I clicked in my seat belt . She began to explain things more clearly . Her and Jen had become pretty good friends . They had both been in the same sorority at USC . The story took a twist that I was not ready for . At USC she had been involved with a couple women . My body stopped moving and I didn 't make a sound as I let her words sink in . at some level everything she was telling me felt right . My head was swimming by the time we reached her apartment . We got out and walked up two flights of stairs . She opened the door to her apartment , which was small , but well decorated . " Can I get you anything ? " she asked . " No , thanks . Well , how about some water ? " I asked . We sat on her couch , each of us on separate ends . I began peppering her with questions . I wanted details . I was sick and tired of not knowing . Not knowing why my own wife had never had sex with me before . She had given me many reasons , well not really reasons , more like excuses . We didn 't have sex before we got married because she wanted to wait . Then she didn 't want to have sex on our wedding night because she was too tired . Later it became clear to me that she was terrified of have sex . We had tried everything from counseling to going to her OBGYN just to make sure that she was capable . The hurt and rejection ran deep . So deep in fact that I had killed off that piece of me completely just to cope . In the beginning I would take care of myself , but then I gave that up , and let it go , for the sake of our marriage . I had confided in my brother only , after about a year . He told me to get a hooker . That was the last time I talked about it . I was lost in thought . Molly brought me back to reality . " I followed you to the store this morning , " she confessed . " Why ? " " Because I know that today is your anniversary and like I said before , when I met you at the party , I really liked you . And , Jen , she is having an affair , " she blurted out . By this point I had gone through such a fierce range of emotion that the latest bit of information stung only a little , although I new that wouldn 't last . I sipped on my water calculating if I really wanted to ask a follow up question . " With who ? " I managed . Molly 's eyes fell to the floor . " With me , " she said . Tears pooled at her eyelids and fell streaking her cheeks . I was completely speechless . " I don 't blame her . " I said . The words hung in the air like the dark clouds looming just outside . Molly managed a weak smile . She moved in closer to me and rested a hand on my leg . I flinched . " I just want you to know that I am sorry , " she said . " Yeah ? " I asked . I felt like my body had been squeezed dry like an orange in a juicer . The water I sipped rusted on my tongue . " I want you to know that I like you too , " she said . I didn 't answer her . Instead I reached for her hair . Her long blonde hair and pulled her onto me . I didn 't care anymore about wrong or right . I was going to take this and then I would find a new life . I would start over again . She awoke to screaming … her own screaming . Irene 's mother opened the door and flipped the light switch . Light filled the room illuminating her daughter 's pink hide - a - bed and the pile of stuffed animals in the corner . She had a picture of Robert Pattison hanging to the right of her window above her desk . He was the most popular celebrity crush to have at her high school . Her mom sat coddling her . She probed to find out what her nightmare was about . It was her fourth nightmare that week , which wasn 't like her . Her mom had to know that something was up . She had been watching her like a hawk since it happened . It was two weeks before graduation and Irene was glad to be rid of high school . College would be better . She would be able to forget . She would be able to move on . Mr . Franz was a decent looking middle aged man . It was rumored that he had a smoking hot wife and three young daughters . He probably wasn 't even middle aged . He was probably in his mid - thirties , which was younger than her mother . His door was opened so she walked into the doorway and peeked at his desk . He was on the phone , but quickly hung up and told her to go in and sit down . " How are things going ? " he said . " Fine , " replied Irene with a shrug . She focused at looking him straight in the eye . She would show that she had nothing to hide . " Some of your teacher 's have talked to me recently about how you have been kind of distant , " he said . Irene sat there determined to appear like she was giving what he said great thought . She allowed her eyes to tear slightly before she spoke , but she made sure that her voice remained calm . " I haven 't felt myself , really . I mean , how would you feel if you lost your best friend ? " she asked . The expression on his face changed from alarm to compassion . He dropped his shoulders slightly and put his hands on his desk . " Yes , I bet this has been pretty hard on you , " he said . She wanted so badly to ask if the police had been by the school again asking questions . They had questioned her the day after it happened . She had been tearful and quiet . Answering their questions was too much of a burden on her . Mr . Franz pulled out a yellow hall pass and initialed it . " It is almost your lunch time . Why don 't you head to the cafeteria early if you want to , " he said . ' Thanks ' . Irene got up and took the pass from his hand . " And Irene , please come see me anytime you want to . My door is always open , " he said . ' Okay ' . With that , Irene turned softly and nonchalantly walked out of his office . She meandered through the halls on her way to the lunch room . The lockers that used to seem dull in color now seemed to pop out of the walls in bright orange . Images flashed in her head like lightening strikes . Her senses had been heightened to the world all week . Sights and sounds were sharper and brighter . But when she closed her eyes she was haunted . In her mind she saw the delicate pale face of her beloved friend . Her lips had turned blue and a small streak of blood escaped from the right side of her tender mouth . She had laid there lifeless staring back with her dark dead eyes into Irene 's very soul . Charlotte , her love , was the only one who knew , she was the only one who would ever know . The prior week had been a pivotal moment in Irene 's life . She had been given an ultimatum and she didn 't like it . Their relationship had floated under the radar unseen and untouched for three years . She couldn 't understand why Charlotte would want to damage what they had together . They had almost been caught a few times . Sometimes Charlotte 's mom would get home early from work , but they were always careful to be ready . Irene 's mom could never know . Irene was the perfect daughter . She didn 't want to fall victim to an adulterated life when she could go on living something so perfect , so pure . They had fun together , understood one another , and could have gone on living that way for an eternity . The bell rang which signaled that her lunch period was about to start . She joined a stream of kids headed into the lunch room . Her mind played tricks on her and she was certain she saw Charlotte in the crowd . She scanned the crowd again . Of course she hadn 't seen her . Charlotte was dead . She joined her group at the lunch table by the windows . They were large round tables that easily fit about ten people per table . She had sat with the same group since the first week of school . A couple people came and went over the last couple years , but the core group remained . She had one other close friend , Josh . Then there were three girls who she sometimes hung out with in larger groups . Josh had been pining for her since grade school . He was nice looking and she allowed him to take her to school dances . She would go with Josh and Charlotte would go to the dances with his best friend , Todd . It worked out perfectly ; they would always go in a small group of four or a larger party group . Irene even let Josh make out with her sometimes . It wasn 't so bad . He was a decent kisser and he had a strong body . He thought Irene was the prettiest girl at school . It was true that Irene was very pretty . If she had wanted to she could have been one of the popular group and try out for cheer . She had long since made the decision that she hadn 't wanted anything to do with that . Josh was her friend . She told him that she didn 't want a serious relationship with him . And he said that was fine , but she could tell that it both bothered and perplexed him . He sometimes commented on Irene and Charlotte . How they seemed closer than most friends . How they were always together . He thought it was weird that they had slumber parties on most school nights . Irene picked at her dry sesame bagel while everyone else at the table gabbed and ate . Josh sat quietly besides her not knowing what to say . Every once in a while he turned to Todd and made a joke or made fun of someone and the two of them would laugh . Irene had barely eaten all week . She was already thin so it went unnoticed . She just couldn 't keep anything down . Her mom had made spaghetti and meatballs the night after the incident . Normally , spaghetti was Irene 's favorite meal , but it had sent her stomach into convulsions . She had fled from the table during the meal and had barely made it to the toilet before hurling her guts out . Her mom thought it was grief . If her mom only new . The first lunch bell rang which signaled it was five minutes before the next period . Irene needed to head back to her last class to grab her backpack for her next class , geometry . She loved math class . Math made sense to her . She hated English . She hated being graded on something that was completely subjective . With math you are either right or you are wrong . At the end of the school day Irene began to feel uneasy again . She couldn 't quite put her finger on it , but she felt like something was about to happen . Most likely just paranoia she told herself . She reached into her locker to grab her Spanish workbook and her jacket . A hand touched her shoulder and she jolted . " Oh , sorry , " said Josh . " I didn 't mean to scare you , " he said . " You okay ? " His arm was gently placed on her right arm and he was looking into her eyes . He was pretty mature for a fifteen year old . He wasn 't so bad . Maybe she could like him . That would be different . It would definitely be less complicated . " I , you , didn 't scare me , " she stammered . " I just , um , was getting my stuff . " " Yes , I figured that much out , " he replied with a small smile . " Are you busy today ? " he asked . " I , um , not really , I don 't think , " she said . Irene quickly thought that this indeed could be a good thing . If it appeared that she was allowing a boy console her , then she would look better , to everyone . It made sense . " Want to come over ? " she asked . They pulled into neighborhood . After turning the corner into her cul - de - sac she gasped . There were two police cars parked alongside her house . Luckily Josh was following her in his green Ford ranger , so he couldn 't see that she was freaking out . She took deep breaths to calm herself . The officers had said they would be visiting again , after she had a couple days to digest things . That was their word not hers . " Digest " things ? She could feel her mouth salivate . Irene parked her car in the drive and got out . The fresh air helped her to regain her composure . Suddenly , she wished Josh wasn 't here . Then she retracted her thought . If she played this right , it could really work to her advantage . He parked his truck along the curb , on the opposite side from the two police cars . Josh walked over to her with questions in his eyes . " Maybe I should go , " he said . " No please . This is just a normal visit . " She let out a slight burp and inhaled air deeply . He hadn 't noticed . Her stomach was in knots and she fought the urge to throw - up in the brush behind him . Then she did something rash . Irene stood up on her toes and kissed Josh . She needed something to do , she needed to feel something else , otherwise her sickness would take over her body . Irene pulled away after a long deep kiss . She felt a little bit calmer , a little bit more in control . He , on the other hand , was be fumbled . His eyes looked a little far off . She couldn 't tell if he was confused or what . She didn 't care . Irene took his hand and led him into the house . Hand in hand , her and Josh , walked slowly into the kitchen . There was a male officer and a female officer . The man was fat a shorter than the woman . The woman didn 't look like a police officer at all . She looked like a stay at home mom . She was reasonably fit and wore her blonde hair long , but pulled back in a pony tail . She didn 't look like the type of person ready for battle . Perhaps that was her edge . These thoughts Irene had fleeted in a moment . Her insides were rearing . Her body wanted to bolt out the front door and run until her legs gave way . There was a folder open on the granite counter top . She saw pictures of Charlotte . It was exactly how Irene had left her , with that looming stare and her mouth slightly ajar . Irene leaned in to Josh more closely appearing to be looking for comfort . Irene 's mom looked tired . Irene wondered how long the cops had been at her house . What had they been asking ? Irene 's alibi wasn 't exactly solid . And of course Irene had fingerprints all over Charlotte 's room . That was easy enough to explain . She was there all the time . They were best friends . Irene 's claim was that she had been at her favorite bookstore during the time of the murder . She hadn 't bought anything . She had just done her usual , which was scanning all of the magazines on the shelves . It was something that she did often , so it was almost believable . She would just stick to her story . That was the best way . She let the officers question her . She answered every question . She had practiced these lies over and over in her head during each sleepless and haunted night since the incident . The officers asked her questions for just over an hour . They looked to be finished and started to gather the files . Irene was relived when they closed the file with the picture of her face . Irene turned and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water . " Oh , I do have just one more question , " said the woman officer . Irene paused at the fridge as if she were contemplating what she wanted to snack on . For some reason , Irene didn 't want to turn around . " What 's that ? " asked Irene in the most casual and accommodating voice that she could muster . " Charlotte 's mom noticed that her bedside alarm clock is missing , " she said . The officer continued , " It was the only thing missing from her bedroom . " Charlotte 's heart was beating so wildly that she was certain everyone in the room could hear it too . She sipped on her bottled water . She needed a task , something to fixate on . She gently closed the fridge and turned to face them . They all seemed to be staring at her . She wondered if her face was flushing because she felt feverish . The water felt like ice traveling down her throat . Then she found her voice . That is weird , " replied Irene . She tried to sound as perplexed as they were . What they didn 't know is that very alarm clock . The " murder weapon " had been picked up by the garbage company just the day before . That alarm clock was traveling to its final resting place ; the landfill . Irene couldn 't tell if she sounded convincing enough . She felt lost . At this point anything could happen she guessed . She leaned her tired head on Josh 's arm and wrapped her arms around his side . It was a gesture se hoped they found normal and enduring . She had a boyfriend now . She had no motive to kill her very best friend in the entire world . # The officers departed . She didn 't know if they were satisfied . Irene couldn 't think about the possibility that they would be back with evidence . As far as Irene knew , she was headed of to NYU in a few short months . Her life would begin again then . She didn 't mind getting a little wet outside if it meant she could inhale a quick cigarette . She wasn 't a smoker per say , she just enjoyed one when she was out drinking . She leaned against the brick building . It was cold against her bare shoulder blades . She could have grabbed her coat from the coat check on the way out , but the line had deterred her and she was hot from dancing anyway . She could feel the music thumping through the wall into the club . The cold misty rain against her face awoke her senses and cleared her head . She smashed her cigarette onto the brick wall and let it fall to the ground . She showed her wrist stamp to the bouncer and walked through the tinted doors . It was her first time to this dance club and it felt nice to not know anybody . She enjoyed going out without her friends so she could have room to just be . She could act however she wanted . It was something she had just started doing in the last few months . If she was being completely truthful it was because all of her friends had boyfriends . Her best friend was even engaged . She was happy for them , but at the same time she was happy that she wasn 't them . At thirty - one , Rosalie , had never been in love and so couldn 't understand why they were all holed in their apartments on a Saturday night . She stopped in the bathroom to check her hair and face . There was one other girl in the bathroom stall . She had the mirrors to herself . She examined her outfit and her face . She leaned over the sink getting as close to the mirror as possible . There were tiny lines that had just recently emerged around her eyes , crows feet . All in all , she looked good . She looked even better than she did in her twenties . It probably had something to do with her daily trips to the gym . She had always exercised , but after turning thirty she took it to a whole new level . Every morning she swam laps for thirty minutes . During lunch she met her best friend , Betsy , for crossfit training close to her work downtown . In addition , she had given up her very favorite vice , ice cream . Before turning thirty she would allow herself one scoop of chocolate chip mint after dinner , but that was no longer . She 'd shed fifteen pounds and looked and felt better than ever . She walked back onto the dance floor and moved her body to the music . She liked what the DJ played . He kept the beat at just the right speed . She spent the night dancing with strangers and mingling with the bartenders . One of the bartender 's was gorgeous . She had left the bar went dancing with the intention of going back and asking him for his number . When she returned he had left for the night and there were now only two tending the bar instead of three . She shrugged her shoulders . She grabbed her coat and stepped out to hail a cab . " You smell like smoke , " said Betsy as she glared at Rosalie . Rosalie had gone through three packs of Camel lights in the last six weeks . " Are you going through another " phase " again ? " she asked sarcastically . Back in college Rosalie had been a " smoker " for the entire summer between junior and senior year . " No ! " said Rosalie . ' I barely smoke . Anyway , let 's get some coffee . ' They were standing out front their favorite coffee house . They had spent many a nights studying at this coffee house when attending the art institute of Chicago . They walked in and stood in line . She couldn 't figure out if she also wanted to get something to eat . She 'd had a bowl of cereal before her morning workout , but could feel her stomach grumbling . She picked out a pannini from the pastry case by the time she made it to the front of the line . She dug into her purse for her debit card while ordering . The voice from behind the counter said , " that will be eight twenty six " . She looked up and saw him . It was the bartender from the night club . She felt immediately disoriented . She couldn 't tell if he remembered her or not . Probably not . She became self conscious and realized what she must 've looked like . She was in her workout clothes , no make - up , hair toppled in some kind of bun pony - tail combo on her head . She swore to herself internally and could feel her face flush . She handed over her debit card . His fingers grazed her hand ever so slightly as he grabbed the card . Her stomach flipped and rendered her speechless . She wanted so much to say something funny or witty or clever or even sarcastic . Nothing good came to mind . She signed her name on the receipt and stepped aside to wait for her latte . Rosalie waited until her and Betsy sat down before launching into the story about the man behind the pastry case . It wasn 't much of a story . She 'd talked to him briefly at the dance club and then he was gone . " You were going to ask for his number ? " asked Betsy . ' Yes ' . " Woah , that is crazy . You have never , ever asked a guy for his number , " she said . ' I know . ' ' There was just something about him . ' " Well , you should go talk to him , " she said . Rosalie hadn 't touched her sandwhich . She had lost her appetite . What she really wanted to do was to step outside for a cigarette , but she knew that Betsy would scold her . Besides she was ashamed of herself for having smoked so much lately . She would just throw the pack away . That was the best idea . Rosalie found herself lost in thought . Just the touch of his hand on hers had thrown her body into an absolute frenzy . She wondered what the rest of him could do to her . Rosalie was playing out scenarios in her mind of what she could say to him while Betsy rambled on about the details of her upcoming wedding and Rosalie 's responsibilities as her maid of honor . Rosalie wasn 't the least bit interested in her friend 's wedding details , but nodded periodically to feign interest and loyalty . She loved her friend , or course , but she had other things on her mind . Okay so she had one other thing on her mind . She finally figured out what she would do . She 'd waited until the line died down and just walk up to him and say , hey , I met you a few weeks back when you were bartending at Cacho 's . " Okay , I am going to go talk to him now , " she announced the Betsy . " Too late , " said Betsy . " I think he just left because there is a girl up at the register now , " she said . ' Damn ! ' ' If I wasn 't such a baby about it . ' " Yup , pretty much , " said Betsy with a smirk on her face . She then started listing of the things that needed to be done for her upcoming engagement party . It was the day of Betsey 's engagement party and Rosalie was feeling restless and she didn 't know why . The dress she picked out fit perfectly , but she couldn 't get her long hair to commit to a good style . She decided to straighten it , but then wasn 't sure about how it fell over her dress straps so opted for a sleek pony tail that showed off her high cheekbones . She had stuck to her word , well the commitment she made to herself , and stopped smoking , again . It helped that she had gotten a terrible cold , which made her realize that what she was doing to her body was just not okay . She 'd chewed Nicorette gum in the beginning just to calm her nerves . She kind of missed them , but it wasn 't too bad . She drove to the bakery and picked up the " Congratulations on Your Engagement " cake . It was the only errand that Betsy 's mom had asked her to do . She was an hour early to the party so that she could help with last minute details . When she pulled up there were already quite a few cars in the driveway . She was sure that she was early , but she felt a little panic rise at the thought that she misunderstood something . She walked in with the cake . She could tell instantly that she was just fine . There were just a lot of family members already there hanging out and drinking on the back patio . Betsey 's parents had lived in that house for Rosalie 's whole life . Rosalie had many fond memories as a child playing hide and seek and spending the night . She hadn 't been over in years though because she hadn 't any reason . It was nice to be there again . Her own parents had moved to Palm Springs after she 'd graduated college . She saw them a couple times a year . Rosalie put the cake in the extra fridge in the garage . She walked back into the kitchen and saw Betsy and Roger making mimosa 's in the kitchen . Rosalie liked Roger . He was by far the best guy that Betsy had ever dated . Rosalie hadn 't felt much for Betsey when she announced her engagement . However now , looking at the two of them in the kitchen , the occasion of it filled her heart . Roger looked up and saw that she was standing there watching them . He walked over and gave her a big brotherly hug . " Rosa ! " Rosa is what Betsy had always called her because when they were younger Betsy had a hard time saying her full name . She would pronounce it Rosawee , so someone , not sure who by this point , had taught her , Rosa . " I have someone for you to meet ! " said Roger with a big goofy grin on his face . Rosalie looked behind him and noticed that Betsy shared the same goofy grin . Rosalie immediately felt a little anxious . She knew this look . It was the " we found the perfect guy for you " look . They were endlessly trying to fix her up with someone most likely to make their own lives easier . She loved her friends , but wish they could just give it a rest . Rosalie rolled her eyes and shook her head playfully . ' Not interested . This is your day . Let 's not ruin it . ' " No , really , Rosa . " He said . " He is my cousin . Well my cousin through marriage . My aunt remarried and it is her new husband 's son , " he said . ' Your what ? Never mind ! You guys , you know I hate it when you do this . Now this whole evening will be totally uncomfortable . " " Rosa , listen , " said Betsy . She gave Rosalie the look . It was the look she always gave her to try to make something seem very serious . " Just come with me , " said Roger . He grabbed her arm and gently guided her out onto the deck with Betsy trailing behind . They walked past the people sitting on the deck down to the lower level where there was a pool and more tables set beside it . " When did you parents get a pool ? " asked Rosalie . " Last summer , " said Betsy without further explanation . There were a few people sitting at the table , all friends of Roger 's . Then she saw him . He was sitting with his side to her , but she knew it was him from his profile . His dark hair was a little bit longer than last time and a bit disheveled . It looked even better . He looked up and met her eyes . Her stomach jolted and her senses doubled , maybe tripled . The spring air , which before smelled good , now smelled ripe with flowers and warmth . Even the dirt freshened from the morning rain smelled sweet and delicious . The sky around her changed color and her heart leaped beating rapidly in her chest . This is what it felt like to know instantly . She 'd read about it and watched movies about it , but had never before experienced what it meant . He created his own problems . He knew that . He was practical enough to understand that life is constant ebb and flow between cause and effect , decision and consequence . Only once before this was he faced with a life changing situation where he was thrust into a decision for better or for worse . Now , he faced two main problems . One was in the background his whole life waiting to come to fruition . The other was something that he had manifested all on his own out of sheer stupidity . Berkel sat in his doctor 's office gripping the chair 's wooden arms and tried to not listen to what she had to say . She explained how he would need to do some research now while it would be easy . He should find someone that he liked and who he trusted to work with during the transition . He should look for a new apartment that wasn 't on the top floor of a building that didn 't have an elevator . He should prepare for the inevitability that he was about to lose his vision . These were not the words he wanted to here . He thought he would have had at least another ten years before something like this happened . He had known since childhood that it could happen , but a person can never be ready . At twelve he was diagnosed with child onset diabetes , type two . It had gone undiagnosed for almost a year which had heavily taxed his liver and kidneys . By the time he was diagnosed and prescribed regular insulin injections his eye sight had already taken a hit and he had to wear glasses . His doctor then had said that the long term effects of not treating it earlier would most likely lead to blindness one day . At the time , like any smoker who knows that they will die from lung cancer someday , it did not really faze him . Berkel was not your typical kid . At eight years old he had taken to charcoal drawing like a baby takes to the nipple . When he turned eleven he switched to watercolor and at fifteen he was painting with oil . While other kids were watching Sesame Street on television he would watch Bob Ross . His bedroom wall was plastered with beautiful women like most teenage boys , but his favorite poster was of Starry Night over the Rhone . He was both transfixed and disgusted by the life of Vincent . Through his years as a painter he had experienced some highs and some definite lows . Some of his still life 's had sold for near five thousand dollars in a gallery in Boise near his home . But those were too few and far between . He had sold a fifty five by forty inch oil painting of the Sun Valley landscape for thirty thousand dollars to a hotel when he was just twenty two . It had been a god sent because his wife , Jocelyn , lost her job and they were just about to foreclose on their small house . Being an artist was all he knew to do . He tried a couple other jobs just to make more money for his wife and his daughter , but he could never hack it . He couldn 't sit in an office on the computer . That was not what his hands were meant for . He loved his family , but he was always looking beyond the horizon knowingly , waiting for the right time to go . Now , he was no longer in Boise . He had moved to Cannes , France on impulse after he separated from his wife after eighteen years of marriage . They had married young , because they 'd had a kid young . He had felt guilty leaving , but his daughter was a woman , just turned eighteen . His art had come to a stand still and he needed inspiration . Where better to find inspiration than France and Italy ? It only took seven months for him to find himself all over again . He found his edge , his calling as an artist . He made more money selling paintings on the boardwalk in Cannes then he did in five years in Boise . Something changed in him and passer Byers could see the fire spill from his paintings . He sent a big check to Jocelyn . They hadn 't officially divorced , but they were no longer exclusive in anyway . For now they agreed to be two drifters . She was focused on the restaurant she had bought . He sent money for her and for his daughter . He didn 't care how they used it . They had left on good terms and all in all she had been loving and supportive of his need to seek out his talent . To celebrate himself and his new found success he bought a black Mercedes convertible and drove up the coast to Monaco . His first trip he stayed at the glorious casino de Monte Carlo . It was decadent . He wasn 't much of a gambling man . He sometimes played friendly poker back home . He never had much money to lose . This time was different . This time his practical nature flew out the window . It met in direct proportion to how quickly his bank account had grown . He didn 't know it yet , but at almost thirty seven years old , Berkel faced disaster . He discovered that roulette infused his excitement more than most things he 'd tried in his life . At first he just watched and devised a plan of how he would play and win . His strategy was clever . He always stuck to the same group of numbers and often correlated them to his wife and daughter 's birthdays . His first time in he walked away ahead eight thousand dollars . His heart beat furiously on the drive back to Cannes from Monaco . The wind blew through his hair and he felt alive . His art work continued to sell and he felt he gained even more of an edge . He went to Monte Carlo every weekend and sometimes during the weeknights if he had made a good sell that day . His ego ran high and the sheer adrenaline from this new and exotic life fed his fury . It was six months later , since the first day he played , that he lost . He lost big . In his time there he 'd made some friends . One in particular took interest in him as an artist and a player . They would share stories over whiskey until the early hours of the morning . His name was Franco . Franco was a retired banker from Paris . Franco was there the night that Berkel lost big and gave his condolences . Berkel , was left with only two thousand dollars to his name and his rent was due the following week . His rent was five grand . Franco offered to lend him the money to cover it and a little extra . He knew he was good for it . Berkel would pay him back the following weekend . This went on for a few months . Berkel would get back in the black and then fall deep into the red . Franco would help him out . Not too much time went by before the being in the red became the norm and Franco was done with it . He wanted his money back and was ready to be rid of Berkel . Berkel walks out of the doctor 's office . He walks the seven blocks down to the water and stares out at the cruise ship anchored just off shore . His money would come in from those people , those wealthy American 's and British travelers who would want a piece of art to take home to remember their once in a lifetime vacation . The problem was that his debt to Franco far outweighed what he could bring in a week . He stared onto the horizon perplexed as to how he got into this mess . He would just have to cut out his gambling . At thirty seven his life was starting to feel as devastating and morose as his favorite painter . Vincent had shot himself and died at the age of thirty seven . That fate almost seemed optimistic in comparison to what faced him now . The glare of the sun off the water forced him to put on his sunglasses . He wished he could say that the sky looked anew and the water shimmered like it never had before , but that was not the case . He didn 't see things any differently now then the day before when he didn 't know that he would be blind in a month , maybe two according to the doctor . He had always seen things the way he was meant to see them . He had an acute artist 's eye and knowing that it would go away didn 't change what he already saw . Here he was faced with both problems . Destiny had caught up to him and in the meantime he had done something extremely moronic . To make matters even worse his daughter , now nineteen , had finished her first year of art school and was flying out to visit him for the summer . In just two years he had changed from a man who was most likely going through an early mid life crisis to just a man in crisis . He didn 't want to face his daughter . His pocket vibrated . He had turned his cell phone to vibrate in the doctor 's office . He looked at the caller id . It was Franco . He didn 't want to answer , but at the same time , he wanted to talk to someone . Hello . " Berkel , ces 't Franco , " he said . I know . Do you mind if we speak in English ? " Okay , no problem , " said Franco . Listen , Franco , said Berkel . " I just left the doctors office and found out that I am going blind . You are the first person I have told , " he said . His total bill to Franco had reached thirty one thousand dollars . Without a doubt it had added tension to their friendship . Franco knew that Berkel was an outstanding artist . Franco himself had taken a piece as payment for a portion of his debt . The line was silent and then he spoke . " Mon amis , Je regrette , " which meant , my friend , my apologies . He sounded sincere and it felt good for Berkel to speak the words . Next he would tell his wife . " I will get you your money before I am incapacitated , " said Berkel . " Your friendship is important to me and I have been living a fool 's life , " said Berkel . " You are going blind ? For sure ? He asked . " Yes , that is what the doctor said and it has always been a possibility , " he replied . " Mon amis ! Your art will be worth even more than before , now that you won 't be able to paint anymore originals , " he said with his thick French accent . What he said cut like a knife , but Berkel listened on . " Paint me two of your finest ever pieces and I will take them in exchange to write off all that you owe me , " he said . " You have a deal , " replied Berkel . " How much time do you have , " he asked . Berkel 's eyes burned with tears of resentment , not at Franco , but at the world in general . " I should have another month or so , " he replied . " Okay . I will come by your place in a month then , " he said . " Okay . On se parle bientôt , " said Berkel . He hit the end call button and then dialed his wife . He didn 't have much time to be depressed . He had two paintings to create . They had to be his best ever and he only had a week before his daughter , Marcy , would arrive . He 'd asked his wife not to tell her anything , but at the same time knew that was probably impossible . They talked about everything . Especially him , he was sure . The first thing he did was cancel his lease on his apartment . He moved his meek belongings to his new apartment on the bottom floor of a small complex right near the water . If he couldn 't see the ocean he damn sure wanted to be able to hear it . He set up his painting supplies in the front balcony and set to work . The first one came to him in a breeze . It was something he had dreamt about as a little boy , but never dared to paint . He rarely did portraits , but he had seen a face of a man in his dreams and could still remember him . He would call it Old Vincent . He felt it was a depiction of what Van Gogh might have looked like had he not killed himself at a young age . Old Vincent looked fuller of life and more content than the self portraits Van Gogh created of himself . Maybe he had finally found love again and was able to keep it . Or maybe he gave into life 's flaws and quit his grievance . By the time he had finished his first painting it was the day he was to pick up Marcy . He grabbed a chauffer to the airport . He 'd liquidated his Mercedes . He would have just had a car pick her up and bring her down the coast , but he wanted to greet her himself . It had been two years since he 'd seen her . He was nervous . At the airport she was waiting outside the baggage claim exit doors . Berkel got out of the car and walked to hug her . She greeted him with a huge smile . Her long brunette hair was pulled back in a pony tail . It barely looked as though she 'd spent the last sixteen hours traveling . When he pulled away he saw that her eyes were wet . " Well , I guess your mom talked to you about it then ? " he asked . Her expression was of worry mixed with anger . " She told me everything , dad , " she said . " You have been living like a buffoon , " she said . Berkel didn 't have much of a response . " Let 's get out of here , " he said . On the drive back to his apartment he told her everything . She told him about her first year in art school . It was like no time had past at all since they last saw each other . They had stayed in touch via email and telephone , but it wasn 't the same , as in person . In the weeks that followed she helped him to get settled . He had nights when he would wake up in the dark and think , this is it , I can 't see . He would reach for his bed side lamp and be able to see just fine . He finished his two paintings and gave them to Franco . Franco was astounded by both of them , exclaiming that even if he didn 't go blind they should appreciate to be worth much more than his debts . They shook hands and said their goodbyes . It was getting dark . I 'd missed the last four tennis balls . I was off my game anyway . I couldn 't clear my head of work . My boss had been such a dick about my story . It was a solid story . I had cross checked all of my references and knew that it was an iron clad indication of how our senator had managed the budget . My boss was a pussy when it came to printing the truth . I called out to Tom to end the game on account of I could no longer tell if my ball was on the line or not when I hit it cross the net . And since I hated battling him about line points I figured it best to call it . " Wanna grab a beer at Sill 's ? " Sill 's isn 't really the name of the pub . It is what the locals call it because it is on Sill 's road . " Nah , I need to head home , " he replied . He was still catching his breath as we collected our balls . " Promised Sal that I would help her with dinner tonight , " he said . " Next time then … It 's probably better . I should head home and get some work done . " " Ah , yes , the infamous novel , " said Tom . " How is it coming along ? " he asked . " Ehh . " I shook my hand to motion so - so . In reality it was going much worse than so - so , it wasn 't really going at all . We crossed the parking lot to where our cars were parked . He drove a new BMW , white with black interior . Tom never got his degree , but managed to do very well for himself . While the rest of us were broke on our butts trying to make it through college , he was raking in the dough working in sales . He is my great reminder that there are many ways to make it in this world . My car , a used Wrangler , with one hundred forty - six thousand miles on her , ran like a beauty and got me where I needed to go . We lived on Whidbey Island just northeast of Seattle , WA . I inherited a small house on the double bluff after my grandfather died . I 'd lived on the island for just two years , but it always felt like home to me . I used to spend the summers with my grand parents , and so I always regarded myself as one of the island kids . There were a pack of us , Tom being one of them . The rest of the pack had long since gotten the hell outta dodge , but I loved it . I only went into the office a couple days a week , at most . Tom did sales from his home office and only drove into the city for important meetings . He married a girl from Seattle a few years back and since then they bought a nice house on snob hill which is an enduring term for a wealthy neighborhood we used to teepee often when we were kids . " See you Thursday , same time , same place , " he called out behind him . " Yeah , take it easy . " I pulled the car into the gas station and got out to fill my tank . While it was filling I ran in and grabbed a six pack of Heineken . I went back out and topped off my tank . I climbed back into my JEEP and started her up . By the time I turned to head up the hill toward my house it was near dark . I could make up a shadow just up ahead on my right . It was the dress lady . I named her the dress lady because she always walked from the neighborhood just below my house , which I assume is where she lives , to town and back wearing a dress and sandals . She would wear a coat over her dress and socks with her sandals during the colder months . It was the end of August , which is about the prettiest time of year in the Puget Sound so no need for the coat or extra outerwear . Still it was getting dark and I did not usually see her out this late . I have thought about pulling over and checking to see if she wanted a ride , but in the past I never had . I noticed that she talked to herself . Sometimes it looked like she was having an angry conversation with the asphalt . I could rarely make out her face when I passed by . She was older , I think , but it is possible that life made her look older than she is . I would see her carrying bags of books and groceries . Her trips to town must have taken her all day . It was at least six miles to the grocery store and another two miles to the library from her neighborhood , which would make a round trip about twelve to sixteen miles . No wander she was thin . I 'm not sure if it was the fact that it was growing very dark or the expression on her face when I passed that made me do it . I pulled over a few yards ahead of her . I left the car running and got out to greet her . " Can I give you a lift up the hill ? " She didn 't look up at me . Instead she replied downward to the sidewalk . " I live at the top of the hill , " she said . " That 's what I thought . Here let me help you with your things . " " No ! " Again she spoke not to me directly but downward . Okay . I started back toward the JEEP and I heard her follow me . I opened the passenger door and thought twice about helping her in . I decided to just walk to my side and let her be . We started up the hill together . The silence didn 't feel nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would . Her three plastic bags sat two at her feet , one on her lap . I noticed that she continued to grasp the car door handle as I drove . " You walk to town everyday ? " " Just about , " she responded . I put my right blinker on to turn into the neighborhood where I assumed she lived . It was the only neighborhood nearby before turning up the bluff where there were only a handful of homes , much bigger than my own . " No . " she said . She signaled for me to stop the car at the front of the neighborhood . " Well , thanks ! " She said in a cheerful voice that didn 't at all fit her personality . " You are the first person you has ever offered me a ride , " she said . " You 're welcome . Hey I am probably going to run into town for a coffee around nine tomorrow morning if you want a ride into town . " " That would be great . I will be right here at nine , " she said . " Okay , great , see you then . " At home , Boomer greeted me wildly at the door . I usually took her to the courts with me , but she was wearing the cone of shame to keep from licking a sore spot that had just been treated . Other than Boomer , my sixty pound golden retriever , I lived alone . I was engaged once , but broke it off when I was twenty - nine , just before I moved out here . Partly it was because she wouldn 't move to the island with me and partly because I finally admitted to myself that it just didn 't feel right , at least night right enough to get married . My life had been pretty simple the last few years . Often Boomer and I would comb the beaches surrounding the island . She loved running after the gulls and the sprays that the gooey ducks made . I loved the beach . The fresh cold air that often whips around and sometimes cuts like a knife grounds me and feeds my in a way nothing else can . I love sunny days when a cool breeze feels like a gift , but my favorite time is when a storm rolls in a takes over the bay , howling through the large evergreens , tossing branches , and ripping waves against the tide pools . I meant to work on my novel once I got home , but I was exhausted . I cracked a beer and plunked down on the couch to watch the Mariners game . I must have dozed off somewhere in the seventh inning . Boomer was barking in my dream . I was having the strangest dream . The woman that I gave a ride to was running circles around my house , but it wasn 't exactly my house I was in , it looked more like Tom 's house , but it was still on the bluff . She was running quickly and every so often looking back at me . Our eyes would meet and I couldn 't look away . I couldn 't tell if I was chasing her or if I was just watching her . It took me a minute to realize she was completely naked . Her body was beautiful and her skin glowed ever so slightly . Her hair reached down her back and gently glided like a veil as she ran . Then she stopped and stared at me . She stood there as the big starry sky and the light of the moon shown behind her . She was standing on the edge of the bluff backing up very slowly , but not releasing eye contact with me . I outstretched my arm to touch her and she opened her arms wide and allowed her body to fall silently backwards off the bluff . I woke up to Boomer barking . I was breathing heavily . It was one thirty in the morning . The dream that had once felt so real quickly evaporated . I let Boomer out to the bathroom and then we went to bed . The next morning I woke up at seven sharp , like every morning . Boomer and I went for our morning run , five miles of winding trails behind my house . I logged into my work email to see if there was anything important . I responded to a few emails then showered . I was in my JEEP at eight fifty five . I drove down to the spot where I 'd agreed to meet the lady . I would ask for her name this time so that I could stop calling her the dress lady . I felt a little odd having had such a vivid dream about her . However , I couldn 't be sure that my dream was actually supposed to be about her . It didn 't totally look like her , except I just knew that it was her in my dream . I slowed the car down and pulled to the side of the road . She wasn 't there . It was two minutes after nine . I didn 't mind waiting a couple extra minutes . I reached behind my seat to grab the newspaper that I had stashed there to take to the coffeehouse . My passenger door opened abruptly which caused my heart to jump . She slid into the passenger seat and shut the door . This was not the same lady that I had picked up yesterday or that I had seen walking back and forth from town the last couple years . This woman was dressed in jeans , a red sweater and had long wavy blonde hair . She must have seen the befuddled look on my face because she broke out into laughter . " Don 't look so shocked Scott , " she said . It took me a second to register that she had addressed me by name . " I don 't know your name , how is it that you know mine ? " " My name is not important , but if you 'd like you can call me Lucy , I have always loved that name , " she said . " Okay then Lucy , " I replied , audibly sounding a bit weirded out . " Forgive me for sounding rude , but you are not acting at all like , well … you . " I realize that my remark probably gave away too many of my prior judgments , but it was out there now . " Not acting like me ? " she asked . She was wearing a smile and was obviously enjoying the rhetoric . " But you don 't even know me , " she said . This was in fact true . I did not know her , but every time I saw her walking she was wearing a frumpy dress and a pair of Birkenstocks . Forgive me for noticing superficial things , but I was pretty sure she now had on a pair of black heels . Without knowing what else to do I put the car into drive and we headed down the hill toward town . She was staring at me , which was opposite of what she had done the previous day . It was definitely making me feel uncomfortable . " How is your book coming ? " she asked . " How do you know that I am a writer ? " " Let 's just say I have a vested interest in your novel , " she replied . " Is that so ? " " Yes . " She said without hesitation . " So let 's talk about how it is going . So far you have written about half the book , but you have barely touched the thing in months , " she said . " Okay , weird , weird , weird , who are you ? " " I … Am … Your muse , " she said . " Ha ! Well of course you are . " I glanced at her in the passenger seat . She was sitting there bright eyed with a beautiful smile beaming back at me . I figured it best to play along because , well , she was beautiful and I was a little interested . " Okay , for the sake of time and so that I don 't say something rude , go ahead and explain . " She waited a couple beats and then cracked her window . She sucked in the fresh air , as did I . " Do you ever take the top off and just drive ? " she asked . " You 're changing the subject . " " I am not changing the subject , Scott , I absolutely have a purpose to this question , " she replied . Fine I 'd play her game . She 'd peaked my curiosity . Her strange behavior had infected me and I was bound to get the bottom of it . " I haven 't taken it off this summer . Usually I take the top off each summer , but I just never got around to it this summer . " " True , " she said . That was all she said . We had reached the Java hut by this time . " I am going in for a coffee . Would you like to join me ? " She stared at me . It sent shivers up and down my spine . It was the same look she gave me last night in my dream . " No , I will wait here . You go in and grab your coffee . Then I want to show you something , " she said . " I do have work to do today , ya know . " " Oh , I know , " she replied . Something about her made me decide that either way I was going to end up complying with her . " Okay then . " Chelsea was working the counter . " Your usual ? " she asked . " Yup ! And toss in a sesame bagel . " I had a feeling I should eat something now . I walked back outside . The sun was out in full force beating on my face . It felt good . She was sitting in the driver seat . The top was off my JEEP . The radio was blaring . I slid into the passenger seat . " How did you get the top off ? " I 'd had the hard top on my JEEP which was impossible for me to take off by myself , so it left me perplexed by how she got it off so easily . " Where did you put it ? " " It is back in your garage , where it should have been two months ago , " she said . She pulled out of the Java hut parking lot and got on the highway . It was useless to try to talk because with the top off and the radio on , I could barely hear my thoughts , let alone have a conversation . I drank my coffee . I instantly felt the caffeine kick in . I sat back and let the sun and the breeze overtake my senses . I wasn 't sure why I was letting this strange woman lead me away . It felt right , to go along with it . I felt more alive and more relaxed than I had in many months . She turned off the main road onto a dirt road . I knew this road . I knew practically every road on the island like the back of my hand . The first summer I had my license my friends and me had camped everywhere it was legal and some places it wasn 't . We took our new girlfriends out to the different lakes at night , for more than just looking at the stars . She climbed the windy single lane path heading toward Lone lake . I wandered if she knew that is where I lost my virginity . I had an inkling that she did know . The JEEP bobbed and bounced along the path . The remnants of my coffee spilled out the small hole in the lid . She laughed loudly as she wrangled the steering wheel through potholes and around corners . She was breathtaking to look at . In life she was even more beautiful than the woman in my dream . She stopped the JEEP at the trailhead . It was a short half mile walk to the lake . We got out and she started walking . I was ready to talk . I was ready to get some answers about who she was and what this was all about . " Lucy , stop . " " We don 't have much time , Scott . Let 's keep going , " she replied . " What do you mean we don 't have much time ? " " We just have the day , " she said . " I am here to remind you , " she said . I could barely keep up with her . I considered myself an athletic person , but she was practically jogging instead of walking . " Remind me of what ? " She didn 't answer . We reached the lake . It was ten thirty and it was probably already in the high seventies . It would probably reach ninety by three in the afternoon . " Undress , " she exclaimed . " What ? " " Take your clothes off , " she said . She said this while taking her own clothes off and she was already half naked . The sun reflected off her pale skin . I felt inhibited by her crazy behavior . She undressed fully , allowing her clothes to scatter about . She walked toward the dock . At the dock she plunged off the side into the dark water . I was left there standing alone , while this strange , beautiful woman was swimming naked in the lake . I stripped down to my boxers and walked out onto the dock . The water looked a cold . " It feels amazing . Just jump in ! " she said . So I did . The rush of the water against my body caused my blood to pump ferociously through my veins . I surfaced and looked around . Lucy had swum about fifty yards in front of me . I swam after her . After another hundred yards or so , we reach the middle of the lake . " Look around , " she said . The lake was deserted . There were no houses around it because it was part of a reserve . It was very quiet and yet I felt very exposed . " It 's nice out . " " Nice out ? " she asked . " That is all you feel about this ? " she asked . " No , actually , I am confused . I don 't know why you are here , I don 't know why we are swimming in the middle of the lake on a Wednesday morning , when I should be back at my place working on my story , which is due by the end of the day tomorrow . I don 't understand why you were one person and now you are another . And I definitely don 't understand why you know and care about the book I am writing . " I finished . " Your book is meant to be written and it is meant to be read , " she said . " You are going to give hope about life and how to live to many people who have let themselves die , " she said . " Too many people complacently take life for granted because it doesn 't live up to their expectations . You are trying to right this book , but lately you have become one of them yourself , " she said . I couldn 't tell where this was headed . She kind of struck a cord , but mostly I felt like she was wrong . I was living a good life . I kept in shape , I was good at my job , I had friends . I had a life . " I am not talking about just merely having a life and living it day by day , " she said . Apparently she could read my thoughts . " Why did you pick me up yesterday ? Why yesterday and not any of the other days that have passed the last couple years ? " she asked . " I don 't know . " I didn 't know . I just decided to do it , to see . " It was getting dark , I guess , that is the main reason . " " Ah , it was dark , " she replied . " I trust I know the way home in the dark . Do you ? " she asked . This was starting to sound more like a riddle than an answer . " Frankly , this situation is strange . I am interested by you because you are strange and whatever you 're doing is eccentric , which by nature is interesting . I dunked my head under water and resurfaced . My head and body felt warm from tredding water . " As your muse it is my duty to free you so that you can finish your book , " she said . " Free me from what ? " " Yourself , " she answered . " Take my hand , " she said . She outstretched her thin pale arm . I took her hand . Her grip was hard , much harder than I could have imagined it being . She probably had a stronger grip than me and I 've played tennis for twenty years . " Take a deep breath , " she said . I did so and noticed that she did not inhale deeply . She pulled me under the surface and drug me below . Her skin began to glow , like in my dream . With every foot it got darker and her body subsequently became brighter . My ears popped from the weight of the water overhead . I could feel my lungs begin to burn . It had probably been about thirty seconds . Logs and fish and unintelligible debris flew past as we swam at the speed of racing horses . My lungs yearned for air and I could feel her grip tighten on mine as my body struggled to get away , to find oxygen . It felt like she was trying to kill me . My body convulsed under her grip and my head lightened . I felt myself no longer paying attention to what I saw , but instead I was being drug through the dark slimy water until my inevitable death . I saw stars ; the sky was full of them . I assumed I was fully unconscious by this point . I saw her running toward the cliff . I ran after her . She floated of the side of the cliff and made it look so easy . I felt lighter than air . I floated off the cliff right after her . I dove through the air . I couldn 't see an end in sight . I was completely unafraid because I could tell there would be no painful landing , there was nothing to stop me from floating adrift . Through my unconsciousness I felt that her hand was gone . My momentum changed and I felt my body being pulled up by the water . It felt like a rip tide and captured me and grabbed hold . My naked body surfaced onto gritty sand . My lungs were full of water . I retched water and my sesame bagel from earlier that morning . I lay panting on the cold hard sand . The sun beat down my back . I must have fallen asleep there . When I woke subtle waves drifting up my claves and back down past my ankles . The motion of the soft waves made me feel like I was moving . I opened my eyes and surprised to see where I was . I was laying on the beach below my bluff . My surroundings were surreal and I continued to contemplate that possibility that I was dead . I didn 't feel scared , really . I felt light . Which possibly meant I really was dead . I was thankful that I still had my boxers on because houses lined the beach where I would have to walk up the path to get up to my house . It was a surprisingly easy and short walk home . My car was parked out front , with the top off . The air was warm and a little sticky , which is uncommon for the Sound . It looked like it was early afternoon . " I don 't know Boom . " I shook my head at her . I pulled a beer out of the fridge and drank the entire thing in a few easy gulps . I belched loudly then slid down onto the floor and leaned my back against the cupboards . " I don 't know . " I didn 't talk to anyone the rest of the day . I didn 't check my emails . I just got dressed and walked around the house . I stopped every so often and stared out toward the cliff allowing my eyes to drift off into the horizon . The cliff meant more to me now . It was the cliff that I had floated over and came back anew . The following day I when I met Tom for our twice - weekly tennis match , he noticed something in me . He claimed that I looked different . He exclaimed that I had the same air he remembered me having when we were kids . I think he was right . I no longer felt that suffocating feeling like the world could collapse on me at any time and I could be pinned down with no where to go . I felt that there really was no where to go , but in a good way , and that changed everything . Every time I drove to town and back I looked for a woman in a dress carrying bags walking alone along the street . I knew she wouldn 't be there . She had done what she came to do . I finished my book that same month . It was published and on shelves the following spring . The following summer Boom and I swam out at the lake every few weeks . It was the place where I learned all a person needs to know . That you can choose to suffocate in the vast supply of air around you or you can float instead of falling because there is no end and nothing to run into . She slurped down her second dirty martini . She hadn 't eaten enough that day to suffice such an endeavor , but they were taking the edge off . Her waiter stopped by and dropped off her antipasto appetizer plate . She had been waiting an hour already and didn 't care anymore . She was going to eat something . " Can I get you anything else Ma ' am ? " he asked . Ugh ! Ma ' am ? ! " I 'll have another , " she said motioning to her martini glass . She was twenty - eight . It wasn 't as if she had just celebrated her forty - fifth birthday . There was no reason he should be calling her Ma ' am . He was probably twenty three himself , not that much younger . It made her feel even worse about her predicament . She had agreed to this blind date purely out of courtesy . Her new boss had set it up . She didn 't know how to get out of it , so alas , here she was , drinking alone , on a Tuesday night , when she could have been at home watching Heroes On Demand and fast forwarding through the commercials . Of course , the drinking thing wouldn 't have been any different . Although , she would have saved a bundle enjoying a nice glass of Pinto Grigio snug on her couch instead of spending ten bucks a pop on martinis . She hadn 't went on a date in months . Her last boyfriend broke it off with her for a girl he met while on a dig in South America . After finally getting over him , which took months , she picked one of the characteristics that bothered her most about him , him being short , and vowed to never date someone shorter than her again . In fact , this would mark the first date she 'd been on since . Since then she 'd also decided that being a workaholic totally made sense . She wondered why she had resisted it before . Working around the clock the last eight months had been absolute bliss . She 'd gotten promoted to senior account executive and received a substantial raise . Her plan was to work even harder in the months to come and potentially jump ship in an effort to get an even bigger promotion . She was always calculating and planning her next move . She owed her outstanding drive and work ethic to her mother . Her mother had lived on welfare for most of her upbringing . She had been an absolute embarrassment on a regular basis . She loved her mom , even more now that she had passed . The memory of her ignited a warmer glow than the reality of her contribution to Alyssia 's life . Alyssia strove to be everything other than what her mom was . She was hard working , planned her life and expected nothing but greatness in return . Eventually she would find the perfect husband , create a family of her own , and be admired for her perfection . She had no family . She never knew her dad . She relied on her best friend Jada , who was more like a sister and a mother to her than anyone she had ever known . She sat at her table tallying her bill in her head when she noticed someone approaching out of the corner of her eye . " Are you Alyssia ? He asked . She stood up quickly and took his outstretched hand for a quick hand shake . " Bruce . " He introduced himself . His hand was warm , not clammy , like hers had instantaneously become . " I am so sorry that I am late , " he exclaimed . He looked sincerely sorry and almost a little frightened . His face was adorable and his eyes were soft and kind . Overall he was nice looking and well presented . He had dark blonde hair . Best of all , he was tall . He had to be about four inches taller than her , which meant he was probably six foot one or so . Alyssia herself was pretty tall for a girl , like her mom , which was one genetic predisposition she actually took pride in . Alyssia wasn 't about to let him off the hook too easily for being late . " Are you able to stay or do you have something else you need to run to ? " she asked . His eyes widened and he did not reply . Yikes , she thought that maybe she was a bit too harsh with that . " I 'm just kidding . " She said . " No I deserve that . You see , I just got the oddest call a couple hours ago . " He explained . " I was on my way home from work to change before I came here to meet you when I got a call from a friend of mine . He works for the FBI . " Wow , this guy is pathological was all she could think . After she finished her martini she was going to fake an important call and flee the scene . She sat there nodding and sipping as he rambled on . It was too bad really , he was quite cute . After a couple minutes of feigning a look of interest she distinctly heard him say the words " back ground check " . " Wait ! " she said . " You had someone run a background check on me ? " she asked . " This is a date for Christ sake , not a job interview . Flag on the field ! " she said . Even though she hadn 't dated in a while , she knew when something just wasn 't going to work and she hated wasting time . Alyssia grabbed her purse and plopped down her credit card . " No wait . I know this sounds weird , but I just got out of a bad relationship last year and so I felt compelled , " he said . Alyssia just stared at him , not knowing what to say . " Listen , I know this is strange , and I wouldn 't even be telling you all of this if it weren 't for . " He stopped mid - sentence and let out a sigh . " The reason I am late is because I wasn 't sure I wanted to come and meet you . " Wow , this is awesome , you are awesome ! " she replied . " No , what I am trying to say … what I am going to say is very weird , " he said . " Oh , it 's just now about to get weird ? " She exclaimed . This didn 't seem to bother him . He continued on . He lowered his voice , as if all of a sudden he had a secret to tell her . " What I found out , what I am trying to tell you is that , Alyssia , you are my sister . He hesitated . I am your brother , " he said in a tone which sounded like he said this to convince himself of this truth . This was not what Alyssia expected to hear in the least . She was ready for something idiotic like he found out she went to a state college instead of an Ivy League or that when she was younger she had been quarantined from her classmates because of tuberculosis . But this , this came out of left field and left her speechless . When she finally regained her sense of reality she made the decision that he must be full of shit and that he was screwing with her . Maybe she was in a new reality show called Blind Date Candid Camera . That absolutely made more sense than the nonsense that was coming out of his mouth . She just sat a stared rationalizing these thoughts . When she finally looked up to meet his eyes she saw that they were brimmed with tears . " Is this some kind of joke ? " she asked . " No , Alyssia , this is not a joke , he replied . Alyssia stared at his face , into his eyes . It was his eyes , she had noticed them at first , but she didn 't put it together . He had her mother 's kind eyes . " I don 't know what to say . " She paused for a long moment . " How did you figure this out ? " she asked . He went on to explain that when his friend was running her background check that his own father 's name came up in the search . His friend got access to her original birth certificate which had both her mother 's signature and her father 's . The certificate that she herself possessed only had her mother 's name . He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a piece of paper . He slid the paper across the table . She read it over . Indeed the birth certificate said her name , Alyssia Charlene Whitcomb . She looked at his face again and felt her insides twist . Quickly her three martinis turned into a dull headache that throbbed just behind her eyes as she recounted what he had just told her . " Charlene , your middle name , is our grandmother 's name , " he said . Our father , Marcus , gave you that middle name , he continued on . Words flooded from his mouth for another minute or two , and then he fell silent again . It was most likely her lack of response that kept him from going on . " Alyssia , do you get what I am saying ? " He asked . " I had no idea that you existed . Dad never mentioned anything to me about you . " I tried calling him before I got here , but he didn 't answer , so I came anyway , " he said . He noticed she was picking at her fingernails again . " Are you okay ? " he asked . " No , I 'm not okay , she replied . " So what ? He 's alive ? Our father ? " she asked . " Yes , he 's alive . " " I also know that your mother passed away not too long ago , I am sorry , " he said . She didn 't reply . Questions that had no answers began brewing in her head . When she was growing up she 'd rarely pressed the question about her father . When she did ask , her mom told her that he had a new life that didn 't concern them and that sometimes that 's how things worked out . She knew her questions made her mom sad , she could see it in hers eyes . She didn 't want to make her mom sad , so eventually she stopped asking and at some point , she wasn 't sure exactly when , but the questions stopped mattering all together . The waiter came back with her bill and her card . Alyssia signed her name , realizing that she always signed it with a " C . " in the middle , which in the future might always cause her to think . She slid her card back into her wallet and stood up slinging her D & G handbag over her shoulder . Bruce looked amazed . " Don 't you want to meet him ? " he asked . She grabbed her coat and pushed in her chair . " Meet him ? She replied . " No , I don 't think so , Bruce , " she said . " Had he wanted that , this would have never had to happen , " she replied . With that she walked out the through the restaurant lobby , and through the front doors . She allowed the rush of cool air to fill her lungs and bring her life . She would walk home instead of taking a taxi and allow the air and the city to take her home . |
It means praising God right after my mother died . Not because she 's gone , but because I had a mother . Finding the good things about her , the good that she taught me . Praising Him for the horrid things she said and did to me , because they made me the mom I am today . When she almost broke my finger when I was five , I promised myself I would only touch my kids in love . When she called me a mooch because someone did something nice for me , I promised myself that I would do nice things for others ( especially my kids ) for no reason at all . I would make it a habit to say nice things to my kids . I would praise them , not only behind their backs and in public where everyone could hear , but to their faces as well , and in private places . I would punish them , but only after I had time to cool down and pray , and consider what the punishment should be . I would walk away if I felt myself getting hot . I would not spank them to the point that their backside is black and blue , and couldn 't sit for days , and eventually get taken to the ER when Dad gets back in town . When a kid gets special permission from the school to lay down on the floor and do their schoolwork , there 's something wrong . When a father is forced to quit a job that pays well , but takes him out of town a lot , there 's something wrong . My mom is the reason I have stayed home with my kids all these years . The reason I own my own business and still stay home . Her choices as a parent … made me change my stars . My dad said I could be whatever kind of parent I want to be , and I am . I try to be the mom that I wanted . The mom my friends seemed to have . I 'm not fake . I have terrible moments . Moments I wish I could change , habits of mine that I fear are shaping my kids in a bad way , but I have learned to mostly bite my tongue , and to be available no matter what . The book that we 're reading along with the study is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp . It 's a beautiful book by a beautiful ( and young ) woman . The challenge of this book is to make a list of 1 , 000 things that we are grateful for . Not just big things like My Family , but small things like Big , Fat Snowflakes That Taste Sweet With The Fresh Air Of An Iowa Winter . ( I know it 's flowery , but it 's how she writes , and they do taste kind of sweet in the crisp , cold air . I think it must be the " no smog " thing … ) I will not be so poetic in my list … I think I used up what I had right there , so I hope you enjoyed it . The book is not an easy read , at least not for me . I have trouble with some of the words and phrases she uses . I watched an interview ( well , so far about half of an interview ) with her , so I could better understand why she writes like she does . She is very intentional . She said that she forces herself to take the time to notice little things , and then she tries to capture them with a description . Her descriptions are rich , and adjectives abound in this book . I 'll admit , I 'm having trouble getting through it , but I 'm determined to finish it . Maybe I 'll even try to read it again . As always , I write like I think . That means occasionally poor grammar , and a lot of broken sentences . It 's not that I can 't follow the rules , it 's that my brain goes so fast , and if I don 't get it all out , it 's lost forever . I go back and edit a lot . Sometimes I get a weird look from people when I tell them I write like I think , and I figure that they probably go off and say a prayer for Barry and the kids . It can 't be easy living with crazy . You should probably all pray for Barry and the kids … I 'm thinking that I might make this a blog series … at least until I get to 1 , 000 . Maybe beyond that . Right now , I cannot imagine that there are 1 , 000 things out there to be grateful for . That number seems overwhelming to me , but a sadness has been growing for quite some time , and joy needs to be found . Tags will be : thankful , 1K , eucharisteo . Category : One Thousand Gifts . Those are new , and you can use them to search for these specific posts . Rate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Brain Dump Friday - Misfit Edition January 25 , 2013 sunhavenlane1 Comment I admit freely that I thought , back in the day , that The Crash Test Dummies were a cool group . In fact , I bought tickets to a concert when Barry and I were dating , and we went . It was , in all honesty , a really fun time . They were playing at a very old theater in San Diego , and it was an enjoyable , intimate evening with soft lighting and good music . I was talking to Jessup about Winter Jam this morning , and we were thinking back to a few years ago when we went to see Skillet and TobyMac in concert . I said , " You 're dad and I haven 't been to a concert since … gosh , I think The Crash Test Dummies was the last one . " He said , " Hmm , never heard of them . " I gasped in horror ! I have failed him ! I immediately gave him my phone and told him to look up " Mmm , Mmm , Mmm " ( on iTunes ) and give it a listen . I went on and on about how , when it was on the radio , I would turn it up so loud , and sing along with it . Then , as he found it , and he was listening , this look came across his face . It wasn 't a look of joy , or rapture , or even tolerance . It was a look of pity . Pity . From my 17 - year old son . Suddenly the girl inside me waving her arms to be " cool " in the eyes of her offspring , shriveled up and hid in the corner . All the bonus points I 'd gotten for Skillet … gone . How could he not love them ? How could he give me that look ? I expected a look of " Wow , Mom ! I know you so much better now . I can see a little bit more of who you are , and that 's the person everyone should know . That person is amazing , and deep , and … " . I expected a sense of knowing , and I got a sense of ' What 's wrong with you ? ' . My shame set in . What did I see in them ? What could have been so great that I bought all their albums , and even got one autographed for Barry as a memento of that night so long ago ? We all go through seasons . This band , this crazy , strange group of people , helped me through something . They made me realize that all the weirdness I felt in high school and beyond , wasn 't so different from what anyone else felt . I may have seemed cool on the outside , I may have been friendly with a lot of people , but I had only a few good / close friends , and even fewer friends after high school . So , this is what I decided to write about this morning - this weird little band of misfits that I once loved so dearly . They , along with several other bands I 'm now too ashamed to mention , have seen me through hard times , and helped me to realize that I 'm not so weird . I 'm not so different . I 'm not the misfit I think I am so much of the time . … Maybe . People who peaked in high school struggle all their lives with that . They are constantly reminiscing about it , remembering the " good ole days " . Once you peak , typically , you have nowhere else to go but down . However , if you don 't peak in high school , if you wait until your are out of high school , then you have the rest of your life to discover who you are , and who it is that you were meant to be . The geeks and nerds in high school are the geniuses and rockstars of tomorrow . The ones who peaked in high school , are the ones who are lost now … the ones who never really find themselves … the ones who are working at a Texaco somewhere , and hanging out with all their friends from high school . My findings are not conclusive . Sometimes a person can peak and continue to rise , but it 's rare . One could argue that they didn 't really peak at all . I have imparted this wisdom to both of my children : " It doesn 't matter now , nor will it ever matter , how popular you were in high school . No job will ever be contingent on whether or not you were popular . The goal in high school is to study , learn , grow , do all you can , and then , when you get out into the world , that 's when you shine . Graduation is just a launching pad for life . High school is a time to begin breaking the chains of youth , and begin to realize what you 're here on Earth to do . " Well , something like that . The funny thing is that both my kids are known in school . People walk up to them all the time and talk to them . They aren 't known for being " popular " , but everyone knows who they are , and people seem to genuinely like them . They know what kind of people they are . Teachers are always saying how great they are . They know ( and have told us ) that they were happy to see a Schuler on the schedule … that they knew they 'd have a great kid in their class . Friends of ours tell us that they admire our kids . Rate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . A Rant About Alphabetizing January 13 , 2013 sunhavenlaneLeave a comment BEWARE : This is a rant . A rant that my family doesn 't want to hear about . ( Really . Everyone left the room . ) So you get to read about it … You 're welcome . So , hulu … GET IT RIGHT ! When I 'm looking up " Go On " , to watch the latest episode , I 'm not even going to think to look it up as GOON . I 'm going to look up GO , and when I don 't find GO , I 'm going to stop looking , and I 'm going to be frustrated . It 's called alphabetizing . It 's something that people do to make it easier to look things up . It is easy to do . You don 't even have to be smart to do it , you just have to know the alphabet . That means that my son could have done it when he was three . If you don 't know the alphabet , then you should let someone else do the job . If you 're relying solely on a computer to do it for you , then you 're an idiot . Never trust the machines , that 's how they will take over . Rate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Brain Dump Friday - It Took Me All Day To Get This Done , And I was Still Too Late January 12 , 2013 sunhavenlaneLeave a comment Yay ! My favorite day of the week . The day when I 'm not afraid to let you in . Well , I am , but I don 't admit it . I still unlock the door . Sometimes I wish I were from somewhere else . Kingman , Arizona is not an exciting place . Not that I have to be from somewhere exciting , but if I could have an accent , that would be great . Maybe I 'll just adopt one . Slowly , so no one thinks I 'm going crazy , but in a year , maybe I 'll be from England , or … nope , it would have to be England . That 's the only one I 'm even remotely good at . Irish would be cool . I 've got a little bit of Scottish , but I can only say about three sentences … them I 'm out . Australian would be great , but I slip into British . I can say one sentence in Indian . India , Indian , not American Indian . What would that sound like ? I hope I 'm not slipping into some sort of racist area . Obviously I didn 't pay attention when I was a kid … When my Dad was the manager of a business in Kingman , we did lots of business with American Indians . So … British , then . Someone once told me that I sound like I 'm from Iowa . I wonder what that means . It probably means I say things like , " I seen … " , and " have you ate yet ? " , and " supposably " ( sorry Barry ) , and other grammatical horrors like that . I said something once to Barry and it sounded like I was taking on a Minnesota tone , so I laughed it off , and said , " Oh , my Minnesota is coming out " . He said to me , " You 're not from Minnesota . You 've only been there three times , you don 't have any Minnesota in you " . He 's right , but it 's there , and sometimes it rears its very ugly head . All my rings are too big . They just come right off my fingers . That means no more hands in my pockets . Actually , I don 't really put my hands in my pockets … unless I have to , but not foRate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 1985 - The Year I Ruined Christmas January 9 , 2013 sunhavenlaneLeave a comment My strongest Christmas memory is one of tears , heartache , and disappointment . All of these were totally my doing , and I 'd like to say that it taught me a lesson in honesty and patience . It did , but not right away . I must admit that , at first , it taught me to be better at being sneaky . I was 10 . It was 1985 , and it was the last Christmas I spent in the bedroom I 'd grown up in . It was small . It still had the nursery curtains up in the windows . They were a bright , indigo blue , and they had colorful animals on them . Elephants , zebras , hippos , giraffes , and the like . The animals were vividly and brightly colored , and they were all the wrong colors … purple hippos , red and pink giraffes , orange elephants , green and yellow zebras , and so on . I blame these curtains , and my parents , for distorting my view of the world from birth . My dresser was handmade by Daddy , and was painted a deep lime green color . Each of the five drawers was painted a different bright color to coordinate . There were two drawers at the top , one on the left , one on the right , and then three larger drawers below . The drawers were deep , and I never had enough clothes to fill them . Each of the knobs were painted the same lime green as the dresser . My collection of yardsticks , each one different from the others , was hanging on the wall . I had so many , you could hardly see the yellow wall peeking out from behind them . In the corner of the room , there was a vanity , painted the same bright yellow as the walls . Around the mirror at the back of the vanity , there were large , round , globe - like lightbulbs . Underneath the table , was a padded stool . The vanity and stool were both made by Daddy , and were a gift for my birthday earlier that year . The closet in my room was the only thing that didn 't " fit . " It ran the entire length of the North wall , and had two brown , straight - from - the - factory , BI - fold doors with round , boring , brass knobs . I never used this closet . Come to think of it , I don 't even think I 'd ever looked in it . It was my moms ' closet . All of her clothes were in it . Nothing of mine was behind those doors , so I had no reason to look inside . I was asleep one night , about a week before Christmas , visions of sugarplums dancing in my head , when I was suddenly awakened by my mom shouting , " Damn it ! " . Then I heard Daddy say , " Shhh . " I was afraid I 'd get in trouble for being awake , so I pretended to be sleeping . I heard the door squeak closed , and Daddy remind her , midway through the squeak , to lift the door so it was quiet . She sighed heavily , and pushed the door so it closed , and then they snuck out . I stayed awake for some time after my parents left my room . My mind was running wild with thoughts of what they might be doing in there . In my moms ' closet . I finally concluded that it must be laundry , and went to sleep . It didn 't occur to me that it was only a week until Christmas . The next day , it was haunting me . I asked my friends at school , and it was suddenly clear . It was like a huge ray of sunlight , with sparkly , golden glitter raining down upon me . CHRISTMAS ! They were hiding my Christmas presents ! Now I had to know ! Since I am an only child , I don 't have much practice at planning great escapades . When you 're the only one to blame , you get all the blame . I needed help . I enlisted my friends . They were my cohorts . They were going to help me plan this , and I was going to find out just what exactly was in that closet . We planned the whole thing . I would go to bed as usual , and then pretend to be asleep until I heard my parents go to bed , and was sure they were asleep . Daddy would be snoring and my mom always fell asleep to his snoring , so once that started , I 'd wait a bit longer , and then I would get up , open the closet door , and shine the flashlight in just far enough to see what was in there . I wouldn 't go in . I would dig around or move anything . I would stand , open the door , shine the light , close the door , and then go to bed . I got home , and found the over - sized , silver flashlight . I hid it under my pillow . I went into Daddy 's shop and got the WD40 . As honorary son , I 'd known from an early age , how to fix minor things around the house . Squeaky things needed WD40 , and if I didn 't fix the noisy door , they might hear it . I did my chores , finished my homework , and ate all my dinner . I told my parents that I was very tired , and I went to my room . Daddy asked if I was OK , as he was tucking me in . I said , " Yes . " I had already forgotten about the flashlight under my pillow , so as I lay down , and my head hit my pillow with the excited force that an incredible , deceptive scheme demands , there was a loud ' CRACK ' . I fought the tears that came immediately . Daddy moved my head and pillow , despite my protests and objections , and he took the flashlight . He asked me about it , and I lied . I said that I put it under there so I could read . He scolded me with just a look . I apologized and he put it in his back pocket as he stood up . As he left the room , he asked me what the odd smell was . Again , I lied . " I don 't know . " In my mind , I was begging him to leave the room , but he looked around for a moment , and then he saw it . His eyes shifted back to me with a deep sigh as he noticed the closet doors . Next to each of the hinges , right where I had sprayed what was clearly too much WD40 , there were long , messy drips , and smears where I 'd tried to wipe away the smelly lines that were made . The smears and drips were several shades darker than the doors , and my poor workmanship was very , very evident . I quickly tried to explain that the doors were squeaky , and I was trying to help , but I was struggling to get the words out . He asked me , with a stern face and pursed lips , how I knew the doors were squeaky , unless I 'd been in the closet . I protested and said that I hadn 't been in the closet , which was finally the truth , but he didn 't believe me . I couldn 't say that I had heard the doors squeak the night before , and I didn 't have another example of a time when I 'd heard them squeaking , so I said that I 'd gotten in there a few days ago to find a blanket . My head was still throbbing , I had no flashlight , and my room smelled awful . Worse than all of that , my heart hurt , heavy with the lies that I had told . Tears soaked my pillow , but I was still determined to see what was in that closet . By now I 'd been through too much . I awoke around midnight . I could hear Daddy snoring . The house was totally dark . I had to go to the bathroom . In my hurry to get to bed , I had skipped that step . I slept through the nights most nights , so this must have been what woke me up . I went , and while I was in there , I plotted a Plan B , of sorts . I wasn 't sure what to do . It was not nearly as carefully planned as Plan A , but I had to know what was in there . Everyone would be asking the next day , and I couldn 't fail . I went back to my room . We didn 't close doors in my house , ever , so it was no surprise to me that the door wouldn 't close . There was some kind of stopper installed near the hinges that prevented it from closing . All the doors in our house had one , except the two doors that led outside . I pushed the door as far as I could and wondered if it would be enough . There was still about a three - inch gap , but it was the best I could do . I turned on the light , and hoped it wasn 't too bright . I tiptoed over to the closet , nervous and excited at the same time , like some kind of grand adventure lay before me . It was just a closet , but it was also an unknown , undiscovered land . I had never opened the doors before , and while I was so terrified of getting caught , I knew that there was no stopping now . I would , for better or worse , forge on into a strange and new land . The first thing I noticed as the door slid open , was that this closet was undeniably my mothers . The scent of Jean Naté roared out at me , and a forest of polyester blouses and pants seemed to flood out toward me . I assumed that they , like the humans that lived in the house , were overwhelmed by the scent , and just trying to escape , or at least breathe . I realized that , while she had the entire closet to herself , she only wore the clothes that were in this first portion of the closet . The closet was full , but the majority of the clothes went unworn . I wondered why . I suddenly stopped myself , remembering that I was on a mission . I parted the clothes , and imagined for a moment that I was entering the land of Narnia , making my way through the city of War Drobe , in the country of Spare Oom . Reality hit me hard when I heard a noise . My stomach dropped , and I was as sure as I could be that I was caught . " It 's just the heater . " , I said to myself . It didn 't come on often , but when it did , it clanged and clunked … not very loudly , but on this night , when the house was so quiet , and I was on edge already , it was the scariest sound in the world . I continued on my mission . I hit my knees and began digging . With no flashlight , I decided that I had to immerse myself in the closet . Sooner than I 'd even hoped , I struck gold ! Books , the sweater I 'd wanted so badly , a new pair of shoes , a jacket , with tags , which meant it was new . My last few coats had been hand - me - downs , and this one was new ! In one of the bags , under the coat , was a pink box . As I dug deeper , I saw that the box contained a Barbie Doll . I 'd wanted the Peaches and Cream Barbie for my birthday in July , but I didn 't get her . I hadn 't seen another one in the store . I had no idea how my parents had gotten one , but I was so excited . She had a peach colored dress , with a frilly , chiffon skirt , a matching stole made from the same chiffon as the skirt , and a shimmering , opalescent , fitted bodice . Her high - heeled shoes matched perfectly the soft peach of the dress . She even had a diamond ring , necklace , and earrings . I didn 't see anything else as I quickly glanced around the floor of the closet , and I decided that I needed to get back to bed , and I really needed to get that light turned off ! I stood up to push the clothes back together , and began to push the doors closed again , when they suddenly jammed and wouldn 't budge . OH NO ! If I couldn 't get the doors closed , I 'd be found out ! My parents would know I peeked , and I 'd be in so much trouble . I kneeled once again , and felt around on the floor of the closet . The door was blocking the light , so I couldn 't see what was in the way . " Oh , there it is " , I said to myself , and gave a quick pull and then shove to the box that was in the way , blocking the door from closing , and spoiling my chance to make a clean getaway . I pulled a little too hard and the box tipped over . It was a yellow box with green trim , and an odd shape . It was slightly familiar , but my brain wouldn 't accept what my eyes were seeing . It just couldn 't be ! My hearts ' desire was to be an astronaut . I 'd seen a commercial a few months before for a new Cabbage Patch Kid … an Astronaut ! Could it be ? It couldn 't , could it ? I hadn 't told anyone , except Santa . I didn 't even believe in him , but I hoped , I took a chance , and I had told him a week before that I wanted one . I hadn 't believed in Santa for a couple of years now , ever since I climbed into his lap and he smelled like my Dads friend , Steve . He sounded like Steve , too , and he was the first Santa to ever know my name without asking . Even as a child I was so skeptical , and once I stopped believing , there was no convincing me otherwise . I sat there in disbelief . First , that I had been so silly to ever believe in Santa - since he was really Steve - and second , that there was a yellow and green box in the closet ! Did I dare turn it around and look to see if it was the one I wanted so badly ? I had to . The surprise was already spoiled , so it didn 't matter now . I turned the box . I closed my eyes just before I could see , and when I opened them up , she was there ! She had a space suit , white moon boots , and a helmet . She had short brown hair and bright green eyes , just like me ! The best part ? Her name . It was Gwendolyn Victoria . Sort - of close to my name ! ( which is Victoria Lynn , in case you don 't know that ) He asked me what I was doing , and I felt my face get really hot . I said I heard a noise . I had heard a noise - the heater , and I got up to see what it was . I turned on my light , but I couldn 't see anything . He asked me if the noise came from the closet , and I thought I was going to melt into a puddle . I said , " No , it must have been the heater . " He raised his left eyebrow at me and asked my why , if I thought I heard the noise in my room , would I then close the door . My mouth went dry . It fell open , and my mind was racing , but before I could answer , he pointed at my bed . I silently obeyed . I clambered onto my bed , into the sheets , put my head on my pillow , and looked into his eyes one last time . All I saw was my betrayal , and his disappointment . He shut off the light . I didn 't know if I 'd been caught or not . How long had he been standing there ? Did he see me in the closet ? How long had I been in there ? How loud was my squeal ? I had so many questions . I had a sick feeling in my stomach . Still , there was a sense of excitement … knowing that Christmas Day would be the best day ever ! The next day I woke up , and expected to be grilled about the night before , but nothing was said . I knew that , if my mom found out I was in her closet , she 'd be very angry . She was very private , and any invasion , no matter how small , of that privacy , was total and complete betrayal . It was Christmas Eve . My parents and I had traveled to the San Diego area to a small town called Alpine . It is located about 20 miles east of San Diego proper . Alpine is completely different from my hometown . It seemed to me to be more like a village . The shops in the shopping center were lit up for Christmas with twinkling lights and beautiful sparkly decorations in each window . Carols were playing over the loudspeakers , and the restaurants were filled with a warm glow . People were friendly , always making sure to wish you a " Merry Christmas . " Everything just felt like Christmas . This town was unlike anywhere I 'd ever been . We were visiting my Uncle Jon , Aunt Penny , and my cousins . Aunt Penny always had her home decorated so beautifully . Gold and silver ornaments hung from her tree . Homemade goodies were in cookie jars and on pretty , decorative plates . Candy could be found in small star , tree , and stocking shaped dishes in almost every room . My Uncle made his famous eggnog , which I was not allowed to sample , and he made sure that there was a quart of eggnog in the fridge for me . Late at night on Christmas Eve , my Uncle Jon came into my room and woke me up . I was sleeping in his office , on a bright red futon chair that folded out and laid flat on the floor . My parents were asleep in twin beds in the guest room next door . When I was awake , we snuck into the kitchen to get eggnog and make plates of cookies , meat , cheese , and crackers , and then we went out on the porch and sat together and talked . You can do that on Christmas Eve in Southern California … sit on your porch … you know , without dying . I always felt so grown up when Uncle Jon and I were together . He didn 't talk to me like I was a kid . He used big words without explaining them . He told me stories of travels and trips he had taken . He cursed , and drank , and smoked . He shared his eggnog . I promised not to tell . He and I walked down to the barn , and then on to the guest house . It was almost finished . He was having it fixed up for the new renters moving in the next spring . He wanted to show me the progress . As we walked around the guest house , I imagined myself living there one day . I wondered about what it would be like to have my own kitchen , and make my own meals . And close my own door . I promised myself that I would close all my doors , and keep them closed . A while later , I 'm not sure how long , we walked back to the main house . I went back to my red futon , and he went to his room . He and my Aunt fought a lot , and he usually went to bed long after she 'd fallen asleep . I rushed to go to the bathroom , and then scurried down the hall to the family room . There , underneath the gold and silver tree , was a pile of presents like I 'd never seen before . So many packages ! All sizes and shapes . Beautiful paper , and ribbons , and bows ! My dad was in the kitchen saying something to my Uncle about it being too much , and my Uncle was telling him that it could never be enough . I didn 't know what they were talking about . My dad left the room , and my Uncle held out his arms . He was sitting on a stool at the side of the kitchen island , and I ran over . He already smelled of bourbon and cigarettes . Maybe he always smelled of them , but it was especially strong this morning . I knew that he and my dad had been talking about me . Too much ? Were they talking about presents ? All these presents under the tree ? Were any for me ? I hugged him so tight and he whispered in my ear , " Happy Christmas , Kiddo . " Happy Christmas , Uncle Jon ! " I said back . He had spent some time in Europe a couple years before , and he picked up ' Happy Christmas ' over there . I thought it sounded so grown - up . He smiled his big smile , and told me to " Eat quick . There 's a tree full of presents , and I think a few of them of them have your name on them . " I squealed with delight , and found something to eat . Chocolate chip pancakes . I ate them happily , knowing it was the only meal of the day that wouldn 't have seafood in it . My Aunt always had a traditional Italian feast on Christmas day , and that meant lots of fish . Spaghetti with squid in it , anchovy balls , and baked salmon . Really . I grew to love it , and now I even miss it , but when I was ten , I ate all the pancakes I could fit in … hoping they would fill me for the day . Waiting has never been my best skill , and my Mom had to go through her entire morning routine before we could do anything . That meant breakfast , shower , too much Jean Naté , getting dressed , and then finally we could open presents . She was still asleep earlier , when I came out of the office , but she was just waking up as I was sitting down to eat breakfast . I got to be Santa and ' deliver ' all the presents . There was one for my Aunt , one for my Dad , and another for my Aunt . Then one for my Uncle , one for my Mom , and Wheee ! , one for me ! The best part ? It was Uncle Jon 's writing . Another for me . One for my Dad . Another for me . It went on like that through all the presents , until the tree was bare . Each person had a pile of presents in front of them ( Except for me . Mine were lined up and grouped together like some sort of early Tetris board ) and the opening began . My Mom didn 't like everyone going at the same time . She wanted each of us to take turns , but my Uncle said , " My house , my rules . " He then looked right at me , and with a wink he said , " Get started , Kiddo ! " He then explained , while I was opening my first present , that he thought , since I 'd been up for over an hour already , I had waited long enough . I remember agreeing with him , and I was on to the next present . I never tore the paper . I always opened them carefully at the taped sections , so that I could save the paper in my drawer at home . My bottom dresser drawer was saved for things I wanted to keep forever . The paper from Uncle Jon 's present was definitely going in there . Countless books , a beautiful sweater , a new Swatch watch - red , white , and blue to go with my school uniform , nail polishes , lip gloss , and shoes . Uncle Jon had even gotten me a pair of Jellies ! Jelly shoes were so popular , and I 'd wanted a pair , but my mom said they weren 't sensible , so I couldn 't have them . I never knew my Uncle Jon to be a sensible man . To me he was always wildly outrageous . I got so many presents that day . All the beautiful things I could have wished for ! Then I noticed , every present was from my Aunt and Uncle . There was nothing from my parents . I was so confused . I knew there were presents from them . I saw them . What was happening ? My dad must have noticed that something was wrong . He pulled me aside and asked me if I was upset . I said , unable to look into his brown eyes , " No " , but he continued to push it . We went into the office where I 'd been sleeping just a couple of hours before . After a few minutes of prodding , I broke . I blurted out , " Where are all my presents ? I peeked in Mom 's closet . That 's why I had the flashlight , and that 's how I ruined the closet doors . I saw what you got me . I know . I know there were presents for me from you and Mom . Where are they ? I mean , I was so excited about them , and they 're not here . I don 't know where they are . " My heart sank . It hurt . I lied . I knew I lied . He knew I lied . I was sobbing by now , so devastated . All the lies , and now no presents . He explained to me that I got nothing because of my lies . He told me that since I spoiled the surprise , and peeked , and then lied about it , I didn 't deserve them . " You shouldn 't be rewarded for that deceit " , he said . My lying and dishonesty cost me what I wanted most . Not only did it cost me presents , but it cost me the trust of my Father . His approval and his trust was everything to me . That meant more to me than any present … even the ones I was supposed to get . After Daddy left the room , I was broken . I was exhausted from the the crying , but at the same time , I felt free . I was free from the lies I 'd told . Free from the fear of my dad finding out I 'd lied to him . My head was aching . I unfolded the futon , and collapsed on it . I fell asleep immediately . I awoke to find my Uncle sitting beside me . He looked at me with a stern look and furrowed brow , one eyebrow cocked up . There was still a twinkle in his eye . His face morphed into a wide , warm grin . His white teeth were beaming from behind a tanned face , breath smelling still of bourbon and a recently smoked Camel cigarette . He asked if I wanted to go for a walk , and I put my hand in his . We went on a hike covering just a small portion of the 10 acres he owned . Much of it was just brush and rocks , but we made good use of it that day . I told him everything - from the squeak of the closet door when my parents were hiding presents , to the talk Daddy and I had just an hour before . He had been holding my hand as we walked together . When we got to the top of the rise overlooking the city of San Diego , he stopped us suddenly . He told me that he knew I wasn 't getting anything from my parents , and that he went out to buy me more presents so there would be plenty of things to open . He said he still had something for me , and told me to close my eyes . He had something in his hand . I felt his hand brush my neck , and then something was around my neck . It was warmed by his hands , but still felt cool on my neck . Another present ! It was a thin gold chain , with a small filigree heart on it . I 'd never owned anything so fragile . Jon always knew how to make me feel better . Usually it was a joke , or a funny story . Sometimes it was dinner out . This time it was a beautiful present . I hugged him tight , and soon I was smiling again . Later , Daddy told me that Jon had gone out the day before Christmas Eve to buy more presents for me . It was right after he told Jon about the presents I was no longer getting . I didn 't tell him that Jon already told me . He was angry because he had told Jon not to get me anything else . He asked him , " If you go replace everything , then where 's the lesson in that ? " Daddy was always very strict . My Uncle was not . Daddy had a lesson to go with every punishment , and every lecture . I had a feeling that Uncle Jon had already gotten in trouble with Daddy for the presents he bought . Over the next couple of days , Jon gave me two more presents . Each one given on another outing . A bracelet , and a Cabbage Patch Kid . Not the astronaut , but he was still a wonderful Kid . Stanley Ricky was his name , and he was a football player . A few days passed , and we were walking back into our house on Sunhaven Lane . Back to the bright yellow walls and crazy curtains in my room . Far away from Uncle Jon , our long walks , and his wonderful surprises . Far away from Aunt Penny 's gold and silver tree . Back to the only home I 'd ever known , and its ' thick tension that enveloped me the moment the heavy , black front door opened . Gwendolyn ( The CPK astronaut doll , in case you forgot by now , because this story is , like , forever long ) and I were together not even a month , when we were sitting on the sofa at Mrs . Macklin 's house . My whole class had pneumonia , we were all studying at her house , watching the Space Shuttle take off . I was sitting there , in her living room , staring at the television , when , to my horror ( and Gwendolyn 's ) , the Shuttle exploded right before my eyes . I stopped wanting to be an astronaut soon after that . Not because of the explosion , but because someone told me that I 'd have to do lots science and math to become an astronaut , and that , my friends , is unacceptable . I don 't do math . Well , not hard math . Rate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Brain Dump Friday - Nerdneck Edition January 4 , 2013 sunhavenlaneLeave a comment When I was younger , being called a ' nerd ' was the worst thing that could happen . I typically didn 't care what people thought of me , but I cared what they said . My friends knew who I was . I would have rather read The Hobbit than Little Women . Who wouldn 't ? I mean seriously … amazing adventure , the ability to travel to other worlds - to be a part of such a grand story , the unbelievable descriptions alone … or a book about sisters , which I didn 't have , so why would I want to read a book about them ? ( FYI : I have read the book , and it 's fine , but I still prefer The Hobbit ) Now , I wish I hadn 't been so afraid of the label . Now I think it 's cool to be a nerd . Now I own it . Of course , I 'm not a nerd like Sheldon ( If you don 't know who that is , then you 're not a nerd … not in the slightest ) . I am not anything like that . I don 't have infinite knowledge of a million things . I don 't know every little thing about superheroes . Ok , maybe I 'm not a ' total nerd ' , but I enjoy nerdy things . And NASCAR . I enjoy NASCAR . I guess that probably makes a little redneck . I 'm a nerdneck ! HA HA ! And I like spy stuff . I actually LOVE spy stuff . Spy movies , spy gadgets , the spy lifestyle ( to a point ) . I also love hallways . I live ( finally ) in a house with a hallway . Come to think of it , I have two hallways . Never , in my wildest dreams … well , ok , that 's a little bit over - the - top , but I do like having two hallways . I also love car chases . I wish I new where to find really cool tones for my phone . Like alerts and stuff . I 've looked in all the regular places , and I don 't want to buy them . Ugh . I use the defaults because they are the least annoying . I did get a Dubstep Remix of Auld Lang Syne that 's pretty amazing . I 'm probably not going to be a nerd after this admission , but I 'm not that fond of the Star Wars tones . I mean , yRate this : Share this : FacebookGooglePinterestTumblrTwitterMoreEmailRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Look Around One Thousand Gifts Sometimes I Take Pictures I Know Where I Am , Where Are You ? Recent Ramblings Thanks For The Advice . Now Go Away . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
" The Omni " by William Garland Posted on November 30 , 2015 by streditors I don 't guess I ever really understood why , but momma used to tell me that I ought to respect my daddy more . She kept harping on me about the way I went around talking about him . Saying a girl my age ought to know better . According to her , I was just misunderstanding him , and he was a good man . A man that still had dignity . I got dragged around from one school to the next . Sometimes it would just be a stop over for a week or two , and they didn 't even bother to enroll me . Others , we 'd start to get settled in a place and I 'd make a friend or two , only to wake up one morning to find my stuff packed . We 'd be back in the van , pulling onto the highway for the next gig , and I 'd still have a sweatshirt and lunchbox in my locker . Daddy decided to give it up when my brothers came along . His hip had been hurting for a while and thought that running all over the place with two young kids attached to momma 's hip wasn 't going to work out . So we all settled down in north Georgia right outside of this little wide area in the road called Tallulah Falls . Our landlord told us that the Great Wallenda walked a tightrope across the big gorge down the road , and there were more than 30 , 000 folks that had all came out to watch him . I still don 't know if I believe him . I can 't imagine 100 new folks fitting up here . But there we were , talking to this guy about a dead tightrope walker and settling in to watch daddy live out the rest of his days working on the roadside and drinking everything he could get his hands on . If you were to press me , I guess I 'd say that I do have plenty of good memories with him . When I was young , he used to come home from a show and spend the rest of the night reliving it for me . Saying , " We 'll do this thing the right way . You ready to go through it play by play ? " I 'd agree , and he 'd get going with this over - done announcer voice , " In the red corner , weighing in at forty - seven pounds , is the mighty Crystal ' Wildfire ' Jensen . " That 's when momma would start cheering , and daddy would tell me to lift my arms up to get the crowd going . He 'd make that imaginary bell ring and grab me before I ever got a chance to run . Then pick me up and have the crowd go wild when he dropped me down on the bed , tucked up in his arms . He was always still covered in the stench of that night 's fight . There 'd be this musky , baby oil smell about him . His hair was never quite dry . And his muscles shook a little when he lifted me up . Every once in a while , one of his cuts would open and these drops of blood smeared across the bedspread . It 'd freak me out when the blood got on me . But I still thought those nights were something special . Momma usually sat over in the chairs they used to have by the motel windows with her cigarette and watched as daddy pretended to put me in the sleeper hold . She 'd get real nervous when he 'd act like he was jumping off the top rope and hitting me with his suplex slam . But he never hurt me . He always landed somewhere just off to the side and only acted like he 'd delivered that final move that knocked me out . I used to play along . But those days are over . They never lasted that long . I don 't guess they were really meant to . Momma explained that the small venues didn 't look after daddy like they should 've . They didn 't care about who he 'd been , and before long , he threw his hip out in Spartanburg . This time it was for good . None of the doctors could do a whole lot for him . They all said his best days were behind him , and things weren 't ever the same after that . When I sit around and think about it , I guess I 'm about as fucked up as I got a right to be . Momma thought I could do better for myself . But that 's what mommas do . My friend Kyle 's momma tells him the same thing , and she 's a meth - head , who has a string of random guys coming in and out of their house . Momma always went on about how I could do so much with my life . Saying how wonderful things used to be with her and daddy , and how they 'd wanted the same for me . And whenever shit really started to look bad , and the daddy got depressed , momma gathered us all up and told us about the time daddy shocked the world up in Atlanta , and pinned " Mad Dog " Buzz Sawyer in front of a sell out crowd at the Omni . She would beam when she said , " That 's the night your Daddy won the NWA World Heavyweight Championship . " Momma would go on and on about that night : " He was so handsome standing in that ring , holding that belt over his head . All those people stood up on their feet and screamed your Daddy 's name . And the whole time they was screaming , all your Daddy did was look for me in that crowd . And when he found me , he tried to wink , but he never really could . So it ended up looking like his face was having this big crunched up spasm right there in front of the world . " She 'd act it out and make a whole side of her face squish up like a pumpkin . " Then once the crowd cleared , your daddy jumped right out of the ring and ran over to give me a big ole kiss and showed me that shiny belt of his . " She 'd turn around , just a smiling , and look at that shell of a man and say , " That was the happiest night of my life . That 's the night I knew I was gonna marry your Daddy . " I used to think the story was sweet . I 'd get excited myself thinking about a bunch of strangers yelling for my daddy . My brothers would always run back and forth winking like pumpkins and holding up an imaginary belt , and I used to join them . It was fun to pretend like millions of people could admire us . But it just annoys me now . Reminds me that we weren 't ever really a part of the plan . I know he gets tired of hearing about it too . It 's probably nice when fans tell him they remember that night . But to hear momma talk about it - I 'd reckon that it just makes him feel sorry for himself . Makes him wonder where it all went wrong . At least that 's how I 'd feel if I were him . But don 't feel too sorry for me . Things ain 't all that bad . I just get wound up when I get to thinking about him . Like I said , Kyle 's momma is a meth whore . Shit could be a hell of a lot worse . As it is , I just got a daddy that I don 't see anymore , who drinks and spends his weekends in jail on account of that drinking . I still worry that it 'll only be a matter of time before the government gets their shit together and sends him off to the jail on the week days too - on account of him only being out because he had a government job , and the judge being a big fan , and feeling sorry for him and all . Now that he lost that job , and sits around the house all day , it can 't be long before they figure out he ain 't out there on the side of the road pouring asphalt with the rest of them idiots . Momma told us not to worry about that . " The government 's too busy thinking about how to handle all those illegals and their gangs to care about us , " she 'd say . But I guess it won 't be long before they take him off . And when they do it 'll be for a couple of years . But I promise you I 'll still be gone by the time they sort all that out . You see , I met Jake a little less than a month ago . I was at the football game down at Habersham , and he walked right up to me and started talking . Said I looked lonely . Said I was way too pretty to be sitting there looking lonely . His brother , Eric , was a year older than me , and was a pretty big track guy . A few of the girls on the team were in my health class , and they 'd been talking about how he 'd almost broke this state record in pole vaulting without even knowing the form and all . I 'd seen his brother at a few parties . He was usually stoned , and he seemed nice enough . But all I 'd heard about Jake was that he 'd found Jesus and didn 't really hang out at parties anymore . When he walked up and talked to me at the game , he didn 't come across as the Jesus type . He didn 't stand there and get all preachy like the church kids at school . There was a gold necklace with a cross on it around his neck , but a lot of the guys wore one of those . They were more of a thing that said you 've got good upbringing and enough of a job to buy something from a jewelry store than any kind of Jesus thing . Jake was more mature than the guys at the parties , but I could tell that he could still go there and fit in with them if he wanted to . When I told him that my name was Crystal , he leaned in close enough for me to smell his cologne over the hotdog I 'd been eating , and said , " You 're much too pretty to be named after some rock . I 'm going to call you Kris . You cool with that ? " I nodded . I 'd always wanted to be called that , but daddy wouldn 't allow it . And by the second time Jake called me by my new name , I knew I wanted him to take me away from there . When the band started playing at half time , he got up , and without asking , wrapped his fingers up in my hand and started walking me down the whole length of the bleachers so everybody could see us . He said , " I used to play on that field , " and then pointed to a sign that still had his name printed on it in big red letters : Jake Bowen - Single Season Receiving Record - 1 , 248 yards - 1998 Season . He tried to act like it wasn 't a big deal , and that he was kind of embarrassed that they still had it up there , but I could tell that he was proud to show it to me . We went out to his truck . It was this old Toyota that had tires that wanted to be a little too big for it . The inside was a real mess and smelled like a stale can of dip . He apologized , but it was pretty clear that it wasn 't ever any cleaner . There was this stack of CDs tucked up in his visor , and he played this Dwight Yoakam CD that was one of his favorites . He sat there and sang some old twangy song . And even though he couldn 't sing worth a damn , I sat there and listened to him for a good fifteen minutes before he ever took me for a ride . We spent that night going up - and - down dark - country back roads and little dirt cut throughs . The windows were rolled down and the heat was blaring . The combination felt great with the wet feeling of the cold air , sneaking in while the heat kept our feet from getting cold . We talked about everything we could think of . He told me about how he 'd gone down to West Georgia to play baseball . And how he only lasted a week before he decided to come on back home . He said he 'd been on pretty steady kick of coke at the time . Said that the coke probably had a lot to do with why he and the coach hadn 't hit it off . It was another three years before he found Jesus . And that decision had apparently saved his life . I lied and told him I 'd stopped smoking pot a year ago - then ended up telling him about my daddy , and how he 'd gotten pretty bad off with the painkillers , and then the liquor . He listened to every word , and held my hand the whole time . Later that night , I let him screw me out by the Barnett 's old farmhouse . He was real sweet during it , and kept leaning into my ear and asking if I was alright . When he was done , we just laid there in the bed of his truck and looked up at the stars - waiting to see who could spot a shooting star first . He drove me back to my driveway about the time the sun was coming up , and I walked from there , so I could sneak in through the back without waking momma . I didn 't go to school much during that next week . Jake worked for a lumber company early in the mornings . Then when he got back home , we 'd spend the afternoons driving around the county and listening to more of his Dwight Yoakam . That Thursday , he showed me a bunch of the old train depots and manufacturing plants up around the northern parts of the county . All the tracks came together to this one spot where they were about twelve wide , and there were these two worn - down buildings that had been sprayed up by a bunch of white trash thugs . The buildings ' iron - covered windows had been busted up . The whole place smelled like piss . Jake 's old man used to work down in the far building at Carter 's , before they shut down . Jake was still angry when he talked about the place . " Those damn white collars didn 't give a crap about my dad , or any of those other men down here at the tracks . They all sit up there at Lake Rabun and live off of stocks , while good folks like my dad , rot away in their trailers down in Clarksville . That crap ain 't right . My old man worked hard for them . And now he 's pinned up in that house , angry as all get out . " I put my hand up on his shoulder but he didn 't even seem to notice . Just kept on talking . " If you want to know the truth of it , that 's a lot of the reason why I was so messed up back in high school . Watching what they 'd done to him . Why I left to play ball , and why I was so damned pissed when I got sent back home . " He was shaking at this point . " When I came back I knew something had to change . I found Jesus . Thought for sure that 'd fix it all . It helps . But I still got to sit there and watch him . Him and my little brother . It ain 't that bad with Eric yet . But it 's a matter of time . I swear it . I seen that shit happen too many times . " Not knowing what to say , I leaned in to kiss him . He jumped back and looked more than a little pissed . Stood there staring at me like I was a goddamned fool or something . For a second , I thought he might have been mad enough to hit me . But he just looked at me for a while and said he was sorry but he had to go . Said he was supposed to go to some Bible thing , and he really should have gone a while ago . When I got home , daddy was sitting on the floor while Ken and Kasey ran around him in circles - jumping on his back every time they got away from his reach . I figured he was about too drunk to know who was going after him . He 'd probably fallen trying to play with them , and now he just sat there , glazed over , throwing those big hands every way he could think to throw them . My brothers loved it . They were screeching and hollering . He 'd try and grab them - end up hitting them on the head , and they 'd keep on laughing . Momma was sitting on the couch watching it all . She had to take daddy back out to the jail the next morning , and I could tell she was about to get emotional . Knowing it was just a matter of time before she started in on the stories about when he was off wrestling with the circuit , I went on to bed , and laid there thinking about Jake , and whether or not he 'd ever call me again . I went to his house looking for him the next day , but he wasn 't around and Eric didn 't know where he was . I didn 't see him until that next Monday after I got out of school . He was waiting on me in the parking lot with some carnations and a card . Said he was sorry . It 'd thrown him off was all . He 'd been angry and didn 't know how to handle it . We rode around that day , and I told him how alike we were , and how our daddy 's were the same kind . He agreed . We drove on out by one of the lakes , and walked out on this abandoned iron bridge he used to jump off of in the summertime . The water was muddy down below us , and he tried to point out a few of these old railroad posts beneath the water . I pretended like I saw them , but I really couldn 't . " I could 've died right then and there , " he said , while looking down beneath the bridge . And he said it like he was serious , so I believed him . We sat there not saying anything for a while . Just sitting , thinking about jumping off bridges , and life , and those kinds of things . I knew it was rash , but I told him , " You and me , we ought to run off together . Go get away from all of this . " He thought on it for a good while , but said he 'd have to think about it some more . We screwed again that afternoon , right there on the old bridge . I worked my hips and pressed my body into his to let him know that I wasn 't an immature little girl . I 'd hoped that it would help him decide to leave with me . Things went on that way for most of the week - us screwing and talking about what we 'd do if we didn 't live in Georgia . Jake said he heard about one of those big mega churches out in Colorado Springs that had been doing a whole lot of good for folks all over the place . The main pastor was a lot like Jake . He used to be into drugs until Jesus showed him the path to salvation . And now he was preaching to over ten thousand people every Sunday . Jake didn 't want to be a preacher or anything , but he thought he could help out with the sports , or the kids , or something like that . Said it could be the thing he 'd been called to do . He was still scared . And I guess I was too . That Thursday night , we decided we were going to do it . We were leaving . Going out West . I thought about telling momma . Telling her that I finally figured out a way to do something with my life , and have my moment in the Omni . But after watching her drag out a blanket and take care of daddy , I decided that it 'd just be best not to say anything . She hadn 't met Jake , and she wouldn 't ever understand . I wanted to leave a note . But at the time , I couldn 't figure out how to say the thing that I knew I needed to say . So I just left , and sat out by the end of the driveway to wait on Jake . It was nearly an hour before he showed , and more than once , I thought about going back inside . Then when he pulled up , my heart felt like it had been able to finally come up for air . My hands were shaking when he got out to help me get my bag up in the truck bed . I wanted to jump up in his arms and kiss him , but I was scared that my feet might not be working quite right yet . " Don 't you worry about it . " I told him . " I enjoyed sitting outside looking up at the sky , and wondering where the cars might be going . " Of course it was a lie . It was just all I could think to say . I swear sweeter words hadn 't ever been spoken to me . For the first time , I felt like things were going to be okay . It turns out that my feet did work , and I jumped up in that truck and tried my best to keep from crying . We drove on through the night . I could 've sat there and listened to Jake for weeks , as he told me about the church , and all the big things that the pastor was doing . I never really put too much thought into Jesus . Just figured it wasn 't a whole lot of a point to it . But to listen to Jake talk about Him and this church , I knew I should 've been hearing about this a long time ago . He told me how Jesus had called out to him when he 'd hit bottom . He had come home one night , high on some trailer park crank , and his dad was sitting there , geared up for fighting . He 'd been in the whiskey for a while and had gotten real mean . His daddy took a hard swing at him . Hit him pretty square . And then Jake jumped on him and started in on beating him . At the time , he said he didn 't care if his dad got up . He went on pounding him like that until Eric came out and tried to stop him . In the mess of it all , Jake reared back and hit his brother . That 's when he knew he 'd done wrong by his family . He looked up and saw the hurt in Eric 's eyes . But he couldn 't ever bring himself to look down at his dad . The next morning he heard a group of men over at the Huddle House talking about Jesus . He asked if he could join them . After that , Jake said he never looked back . Said Jesus taught him how to stop his using and control his anger . He said he thought about going back to college again , even thought about trying to play some more ball , but he liked it out there with the lumber company . It gave him a chance to get up before everybody else and spend some time buried in his own head . By the time the rest of the world really got going , he 'd been loading timber onto trailers for a good six hours . For him , it was peaceful . But I guess he still liked the idea of a change . I think we all do , to some degree . We 're just scared of it . The two of us had been on the road a good six hours . He 'd been sleeping for the past three , and I drove that truck and watched its headlights curve in - and - out the mountainsides that seemed to cut right into the highway . The morning traffic started to pick up , and I sat there staring out the windshield , trying to recall what the roads used to look like when I was a kid . All I really remembered were the power lines covered in kudzu . I always pretended that they were dinosaurs , and that somehow , their leafy - green bodies were left over figures from some other world nobody ever really told us about . And if I could just jump out of our old van and slink over there into that belly - high field of kudzu , then I 'd be able to disappear into a land of dinosaurs . I was lost in those thoughts when Jake woke up and pointed to the Nashville skyline off in the distance . I 'd been there as a little girl , but I couldn 't remember much about the place . All I really remembered was a photo that daddy had of us standing in front of the Grand Ole Opry . I was tiny and had hair that was nearly white . Daddy had a blue and white tank top with his muscles bulging out like he was about to jump in the ring . His tan made his hair look just about as blonde as mine . Momma wasn 't even as tan as he was . But she sure was gorgeous back then . She used to wear the prettiest dresses , and her hair would be curly like she 'd just stepped out of the beauty parlor . The three of us were smiling in that picture . It had been buried in one of the photo albums in their closet before I found it and it put it up in a frame in the living room . Nashville 's buildings were about the prettiest I 'd remembered seeing , and as we drove under their shadows , I tried to imagine what kind of job you 'd have to have to work in the tallest ones . For the first time since we were driving into Chattanooga , Jake talked about Colorado again . He wanted me to picture the little kids that we 'd be working with . Think about them squealing through laughter as they chased each other across the playground . Think about the way they 'd look up to me as I told them about Jesus . Picture their adoring little eyes on their oversized heads . I watched the buildings get smaller in his rearview mirror , while he went on about how much fun I 'd have taking care of the little kids in the church nursery while he took the older ones out to play baseball . He was talking about how the ball carries further in thin air when the truck 's engine started to skip on us . Jake didn 't sound too worried . Said this happens every once in while . But it had me a little spooked . We crossed over into Kentucky and kept going for a while . We made it to Paducah before the skipping started to really get bad . Jake was worried , I could tell . And then when the truck lunged hard on us and acted like it was going to stall out right there on the highway , he pulled on into town and tried to find a mechanic . It wasn 't that long before we found this place called Denton 's Garage and handed over his keys . They looked like good people and agreed to give us a ride over to a bar they called Fat Moe 's for a bite to eat while they worked on it . We ordered some burgers , and Jake counted out our money on the table while we ate . He never told me the final count , but I could tell it wasn 't much . Maybe five hundred . Maybe less . When this little scrawny guy with Jeff written on his shirt came back by to pick us up , he also had this worried look about him . Jake tried to get it out of him , but Jeff said it wasn 't his place to make speculations about what things might cost , or what was going on with an engine . " I 'm just here to drive you folks around , " he 'd said . " Nothing more . " It wasn 't until we got back , and Denton came out of his office that we found out that the motor was shot . They couldn 't do nothing to fix it . Denton said he wouldn 't charge us for diagnosing it , since he figured we most likely had a lot bigger things to worry about than paying them to find out we couldn 't drive off anywhere . Jeff took us up to a motel till we could find out what we were going to do . We sat there in the uncarpeted motel and talked about what we could do . He wanted to sleep on it . I 'd been thinking about it since the garage and told him we ought to see what we could get for his truck and take a Greyhound bus over to Colorado . He liked the idea , and said he 'd find a pay phone to call Denton and see if he was willing to buy the truck . When he came back in to the room , he said we 'd be on our way in the morning . We spent the rest of the day laying in motel room having more sex than a good Christian couple should . But for the first time it didn 't feel we were doing something wrong . With him hovered over me , breathing heavy into my ear , I felt like I wasn 't too young to moan back . We had taken a break for a while and Law & Order was on the mounted TV . Jake sat up and told me that we should get married as soon as we got out to Colorado . He said , " The pastor probably won 't take to kindly to us sleeping together if we ain 't married . Won 't let us hang around and influence the kids , anyway . " I couldn 't believe what he 'd just said . There was this lady on the TV screaming about finding her dead neighbor in the alley , and I tried not to cry . I hadn 't ever been happier . We went at it two more times , launching into each other like pigs in the spring , before Jake fell asleep . He 'd told me that we had a big day tomorrow , and that I should also get some rest , but it was hard to get my mind to stop from racing all over the place . My sleep must have been a good one . I didn 't remember any of my dreams . I just woke up to the brightness of the sun coming through those curtains , the smell of too much sex , and the empty spot next to me . That turned up blanket hit me in the gut like I couldn 't believe . He left a dingy little note on the dresser saying he was sorry and that it was just too much , or not enough . I never really could decide which . I don 't guess it really matters much . All I know for sure is that it didn 't say anything more than that . Not really . The rest of it was just words on a page . Kris , Sorry to leave it like this . It is just all happening too fast . I don 't think this is what Jesus had in store for my life . He wants me to do more with my gifts . I can 't run off with you . It just feels wrong . I 'm so sorry . JB . It didn 't explain what kind of person it takes to ask a girl to marry him and then leave her stranded in the middle of the night . It didn 't say he still loved me . And to be honest , I couldn 't decide if he ever really did . I made up the bed and walked back to the garage . They all looked surprised to still see me . Jeff said that Jake came by earlier and Denton gave him six hundred dollars for the truck . They all thought we were both getting on the Greyhound bus . He offered to give me a ride back to the motel , but I told them I 'd be just fine . The truth of it was , I couldn 't go back . I didn 't have any cash to pay for the room . I ended up just walking on down the street . I didn 't want to be alone , but I sure didn 't want to look at them making those poor girl faces . All the dust on the roadside grass kicked up past my ankles and made it feel hotter and drier than I ever remembered Georgia being . The garage sat down at the bottom of a hill and I had to walk for a while before I could even see anything besides overgrown weed grass . It hadn 't been fifteen minutes before I heard a truck pulling up behind me and saw Denton climbing out from the driver 's door . He had a fist full of money and a look of shame that was strong enough to make me think that he could 've been Jake 's daddy . He held out the money in that way that made it look like it was heavy . " Here , take this , " he was saying . " It 's not much , but it 's what can afford to give you . It just wasn 't right , what he 'd done to you . " He was still holding the money out in front of him like he was embarrassed about having it . " Nobody should ever be left out here like he did with you . Not like this . Don 't you have somebody you can call ? " " I 'll be fine , " I lied . " I 've got a friend lives down the road just a little ways . " I tried not to cry . He went to give me a hug , but that didn 't feel right either . I let him do it for a second on account of the money , but then I pulled away and just looked at him . He seemed to be the kind of guy that would have liked my daddy when he still wrestling . I thought about daddy as I walked off . He still had another day before he got to come home from the jail . I wondered if he even knew that I 'd left yet . He probably didn 't . I guessed that that was alright . I walked on down the road for a while longer and eventually found the Mississippi River . I hadn 't ever seen anything like it . The water was the color of mud and looked real cold . It didn 't appear to be moving , but I could somehow tell that it was going pretty fast . I sat there on the bank the rest of the day and tried to figure everything out . Denton had given me sixty - three dollars . I didn 't know what that could buy . I decided Jake had turned around and gone back to the Georgia Mountains , and I wasn 't about to do the same . I thought I 'd seen a help wanted sign at one of the gas stations back near town . Maybe they could do well to get a girl like me . I didn 't figure Colorado would 've been much nicer than Paducah is . And Jesus wasn 't ever my idea anyway . William Garland teaches English and Creative Writing at Montverde Academy in Montverde , FL . He is a graduate of the MFA program in Creative Writing at the University of South Carolina , where he worked as an editor at Yemassee . His work has appeared in HOOT , The Dr . T . J . Eckleburg Review , Revolution House , The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature , Real South Magazine , and other literary journals and anthologies . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Yesterday was exactly fifteen years since my high school graduation . Fifteen years is a long time . In recent years , I haven 't thought much about graduation . At the time , I didn 't appreciate the experience as much as I should have . I was ready for the ceremony to be over and go party with my friends . I didn 't go to my five year reunion because it was right before my wedding . My ten year reunion was a two day event , and I was able to go the first night . It was nice to see girls from high school and catch up with them . Now that Facebook exists , we can keep up with each other online . Hopefully we 'll have another reunion to see each other again , not just through profile pictures ! I went to an all girl Catholic high school , Mount de Sales Academy . It might sound unappealing to some , but I absolutely loved it ! We wore uniforms and went to Mass and Confession every month . Religion was not an elective , we had it every single day , all four years . We had strict rules like not crossing from one side of the school to the other on the first floor and always wearing every part of the uniform , including the nametag . We got detention and demerits for things like excessive talking , missing pieces of the uniform , and cutting through the senior hallway or choir loft . We didn 't ride buses to school . Our parents dropped us off , or we drove ourselves , if we were lucky enough to pass driver 's ed and have a car . We didn 't have a gym at the school . Our dances and graduation took place in the Music Hall . Gym classes took place in an old smelly room called the Refectory . At those school dances , the nuns were chaperones , and we were encouraged to " leave room for the Holy Spirit " while dancing with our dates . The school was small . We had 79 people in our graduating class . We all knew each other by name , even if we weren 't close friends . All of this might sound strange if you didn 't go to my school . Reading these sentences , the rules do sound kind of wacky . But they were perfect for the school . They made sense . I know that the school has changI might not have always appreciated what I had at MdeS , especially when I was serving Saturday detention for coming to school late because we decided to go out to breakfast instead of going right to school . But I really did have best time there , and I made the greatest friends of my life . I am lucky to say that I still have the best friends from high school , true friends , some of which I met as a freshman in the fall of 1993 . By senior year , I had some of the friends I would have for life . I didn 't realize it at the time , that what we had was so special that we would be friends for life . Maybe it 's because we 've literally been to hell and back together and we realized how short life is and not to take our friendships for granted . Out of a tragedy in 2005 , the worst experience and darkest time of my life , a bond with my friends was formed that cannot be broken , no matter where our paths in life take us . Here I am fifteen years later , getting all nostalgic and remembering the " glory days " of high school . I can now appreciate the stories my dad would tell about his younger days and why he 'd be so excited talking about old times , although I was totally bored listening to him at the time . I 'm sure my kids will be just as bored when I tell them stories about my past as well . Circle of Life ? Back then , thirty sounded SO old . I was seventeen . The only age I cared about was twenty - one . When I graduating , I didn 't really imagine my future . I knew I was going to good old community college , and hoped I 'd get myself motivated to go to " real " college and get a degree . I hoped to have a family some day . But that was really all I thought about then . I was more consumed with the present , with trying to play hooky from my waitressing job at a retirement home and partying with my friends . I couldn 't wait for Senior Week in Ocean City and being on my own with my friends . Here 's how much times have changed . . . we walked to the payphone every day to call our parents or boyfriends to check in while we were at the beach . No cell phones , no texting , no chatting or messaging on Facebook . No laptops or iPads with Skype . We used change . To make phone calls . Long distance . It 's funny that this is a totally foreign concept to my kids ! So , community college came and took a little longer than it should have . I didn 't appreciate the college opportunity at the time and didn 't try my hardest . But I eventually got my shit together , graduated CCC and went on to UMBC and got a Bachelor 's degree in Psychology . And that waitressing job I didn 't really like at the time ? Well , I 'm glad I stuck with it . After three years of working there , this new cook started in the kitchen . I tried to play it cool when my supervisor introduced us , but I thought he was cute . We worked together for a while before we actually talked to each other . That guy is now my husband of almost ten years . Good call on not quitting that job ! We have five beautifully exhausting kids tFifteen years later , life is totally different . It is supposed to be . We can 't live in high school forever . I do wish I could get my high school body back though ! In these fifteen years , I 've accomplished a lot . I 've lived a lot . I 've learned a lot . I 've loved more than I ever thought possible . I 've experienced the excruciating pain of the death of a friend . I 've experienced the miracle and joy of bringing a child into the world , five times over . In high school , I never had a boyfriend . I joked to my friends that I would become a nun . Ironically , I was the first one to get married . I was lucky enough to find an amazing man and marry him . I appreciate and respect my parents so much more than I did when I was younger . I understand why they made decisions they made . I have a much better sense of family now . I know who my true friends are , and that they love me and I love them even if we don 't see each other often . Fifteen years later , I wouldn 't trade the time . I wouldn 't go back and change my experiences ( except maybe the one where I gave up a trip to Hawaii because my boyfriend was going to be home on Spring Break at that time ) . Talk about a bad decision ! ! I guess that was a learning experience too . I don 't think I 'd tell my high school self to do anything differently . I think I needed to go through my experiences on my own to become The person I am today . I wonder what life will be like in another fifteen years , but I don 't want to know for sure . I 'm going to hold on and enjoy the ride until we get there . And then I will feel ancient writing about high school thirty years ago ! I have no athletic ability whatsoever . Seriously , not an athletic bone in my body . At 32 , after having five kids , I decided to try running . I haven 't completely given up on it , but I don 't like it at all , and I 'm not sticking to it the way I should . My childhood experience with sports was pretty lame . I wasn 't good at any of them , and I only played a season or two of the sports I did try . My parents offered for me to play sports every time the registrations came around , but I wasn 't into them . I didn 't really care about sports or want to be a star or anything . I played softball for a few years , but I got a later start around fifth grade , and by then , all the other girls had been playing for years and were really good . I did swim on the swim team for three or four years . I liked swimming , and I actually have some ribbons from winning some races . That was one sport where I did ok and stuck to it for more than one season . My parents asked me every year if I wanted to play basketball for my elementary school . For some reason , I decided to play in eighth grade . Everyone else had been playing together for years . Needless to say , I didn 't try out for the high school basketball team . In high school , I played JV lacrosse freshman and sophomore years . I wasn 't good by any means , but I was proud of myself for actually completing two seasons of a sport . By junior year , I knew I couldn 't be on JV anymore , and I didn 't have a chance in hell of playing Varsity , so I retired my stick . Actually , I think I passed it on to my superstar sister . . . At the same time that I started softball , my little sister was in first grade and started to play as well . She was the superstar . From that point on , she played softball , basketball , and soccer , and she was really a star . I was more of a sidelines type of girl . When Princess was around four , we put her in a soccer lesson class at the Y . It was very basic , but she did pretty well with it . As a first time mom with no experience in children 's sports , I didn 't realize how early you have to register for sports . So , in the fall I looked to sign her up for soccer , and all the registrations were closed . It was ok , I 'd be more on top of it the next year . Then I forgot about it again . Now she 's eight and has never been on a soccer team . Oops . When she was in kindergarten , I managed to get the registration time right and sign her up for softball . She was in the beginner league and learned the basics . She definitely didn 't love it , but stuck with it that season . Her favorite part of playing softball was the participation trophy she got after the last game . Last year , in first grade , I asked if she wanted to play but she didn 't want to . So , I came up with the brilliant idea of having her play lacrosse . I had visions of her playing from first grade all the way through high school , maybe even in college . Even though I wasn 't great at it when I played , I could picture myself teaching her some of the basic skills and going to the park to play catch . I thought my old stick might even be in my parents ' attic somewhere . Oh , this was going to be so much fun , and so bonding for us ! So , I signed her up . And I paid a lot for it . Kids ' sports are freaking expensive . Maybe other people don 't think the cost is too high , but I think they 're too much money . But since I had a superstar in training , I spent the money . When we got the email with team assignments and the list of what was needed , we spent another small fortune on her stick , goggles , and mouth guard . Thankfully her cleats from the short - lived softball career still fit . I practiced playing catch with her a few times in the back yard before her first practice . When we got to the day of the first practice , I was definitely more excited than Princess . When we had a little over an hour until practice time , I remembered her mouth guard . We neePosted by Having Trouble , I now understand why so many things have been invented . Did anyone see Modern Family when they went to Disneyland and Lily was on a leash ? I totally get it . We have a runner too . There are little child safety tabs on our windows that let the window only be opened a certain height so a child can 't push the screen and fall out the window . I get it . We have a lock at the top of our front door . I get it . Child safety locks on cars , buckles on carseats , buckles on carts , gates at the top of stairs . . . those are mainly used for the safety of a child . For Trouble , they 're used as restraint , to keep him in the cart , in the carseat , down the steps , in the car . Here are a few Trouble stories from the past week . When my kids are playing together , I hear , ' Mommy , Trouble is doing ____' ( something bad ) , or ' Trouble is going to throw ____ at me ' , or ' Trouble is climbing on the _____ ' about 100 times . To be totally honest , I ignore them a lot because they all tattle on each other . Usually what I hear when they are playing outside is , ' Trouble threw the ___ over the fence ' . Yesterday it was his juice cup over one side of the fence , the basketball into the other neighbor 's yard , and a dump truck over the back fence . Princess climbed over for the truck , and I lifted Pirate over to get the things from our neighbors ' yards . ( Our neighbors probably hate us . ) A few minutes after everything was recovered from over the fence , Princess and Pirate both started yelling for me . Princess was holding onto Trouble , who was halfway up the fence . So , the two year old can climb the fence . Pirate would never attempt to climb the fence at almost five years old , but Trouble is doing it at 2 . I shouldn 't be surprised . He 's been a climber as long as he 's been walking . He was the first of the kids to climb out of the crib . He was climbing onto the dining room table grabbing the chandelier when he was not even 2 . I guess I never thought about the fence though . I figured he was safe in our back yard . We even have a padlock on the gate becaPosted by My hubby and I had a day out with no kids this weekend , for the first time since 5 was born . It was so much fun ! We were gone for most of the day , and it was so incredibly nice to be able to have an entire conversation with each other without being interrupted with " Mommy ! " or " Daddy ! " a million times . We went to Wine in the Woods and had a great time ! Although we were getting a day out to ourselves , it was still a lot of work to get things together for the kids for the day . We planned on leaving by 11 : 30 , so getting ready started right after breakfast . I don 't like leaving my house a mess when other people are coming over , so I wanted to clean up the breakfast dishes and straighten up a little . I had to get myself ready , which included the inner battle with myself over what to wear while criticising my body in everything I put on it . I guess that 's the problem with not every really having to go anywhere - I 'm fine with wearing yoga pants or old lacrosse shorts and tee shirts every day . When I have to get dressed in something else , it is always ugly . My husband reminds me , " You 've had 5 kids , and given birth three times in the past three years . Give yourself a break . " . One of the many endless reasons why I love him . I settled on a sundress that I felt only slightly whalish in and flip flops because I knew we 'd be walking a lot . Then I started my list of ' instructions ' for the kids . They aren 't really instructions , but sort of a guide to who needs what and when . I filled three juice cups and three milk cups , one for each of the middle boys , lined and put together the bottles for 5 , and listed what everyone would eat for lunch . I also listed whose diapers are where and when to change them , give them naps , etc . It 's funny how much you take your own routine for granted until you have to list out everything you do in order for someone else to take over . I 'm not worried about things not getting done right or anything like that . It 's just that I know how much work it is to take care of all five of them at the same time . I like to try to make things easier for anyone helping us . Once we gave my dad the low - down on what to do for everyone , we hit the road . Princess and Pirate were excited to have someone else to play with them all day . My husband and I were both really surprised to see Trouble standing at the front door crying when we were driving away . I never really tWe aren 't really wine drinkers , so we just had a few samples . ( A beer festival would have been a different story ! ) Plus , whenever I go somewhere and I can have drinks , it 's always in the back of my mind that I have kids at home I 'm going to have to take care of when I get back , so I know I can 't get all wasted . That would have been fun though ! When we got done at the festival , we went to a nearby restaurant and got a little something to eat . Clearly we 're more into food than wine ! When we got home , the kids were just finishing dinner . Princess and Pirate came running out to the car all excited to see us . Donkey and Trouble were just as excited when we got in the house . It was a nice feeling to be missed . We must have been on a high from being gone all day because we had the genius idea to load everyone up and take them out for ice cream . The kids were very excited , and actually very well behaved ! It ended up being a great day all around ! Pirate has always been an early riser . He wakes up early , just about the same time every day , right around 6 : 15 . When he was younger , it was really annoying because we had to get up with him . Now he gets up and goes downstairs with an armful of stuffed animals . He watches tv and plays with his guys . It 's great because he doesn 't wake anyone up or bother his siblings . Occasionally we 're lucky enough to get a " Mommy / Daddy ( he alternates ) , I 'm done ! " around 6 : 30 am to start the day with him . He also gets himself dressed on the mornings he has school . On non - school days , he makes sure he tells everyone he can stay in his jammies longer because he doesn 't have to go anywhere . Lately , Princess has also been getting up early . She gets herself ready for school , makes herself a bowl of cereal , and gets her things together for school . She just started doing this within the past two weeks , and I am LOVING it ! She 's the easiest of the five , but just having one less kid to dress and feed makes the mornings that much easier . This morning was just a little different than normal because I had a dentist appointment . I know , what better way to start the day , right ? My husband worked a super long day yesterday , and my appointment wasn 't until 9 : 15 , so I told him to stay in bed until I had to leave . I got up and made myself presentable , which basically includes brushing my hair and putting on a little makeup to try to cover up the circles under my eyes , and got dressed . Then I went downstairs and made breakfast for Pirate and Trouble . Fancy breakfast on the menu today - blueberry PopTarts . If you have incredibly picky eaters and don 't want to start the day with a fight , you won 't judge me . They went downstairs to play and I took Princess to the bus stop . Once she was off to school , I brushed Pirate and Trouble 's teeth , got Trouble dressed , and got them in the van to take Pirate to school . He was excited because my husband usually takes him to school and I haven 't dropped him off in a long time . Trouble wanted to stay at school and naMy dentist office is right next to McDonalds . I was so tempted to pull in the drive - thru and get me a breakfast sandwich . But I knew my husband had to get to work so I refrained . As soon as I walked in the door , he left for work . Normally he picks Pirate up from school , and was still planning on it . But I knew he was already going in to work late and he 'd have to leave in an hour to get Pirate , so I said I 'd do pickup . Of course this meant taking everyone with me . But really , after the Mother 's Day I had , I owe him . Bigtime . I love when I start a blog one day and can 't finish it . I chose watching TV on the couch over blogging last night . I deserved it ! I had exactly one hour between getting home from the dentist and getting ready to leave to get Pirate . This was my most productive hour of the day . I put Donkey down for a nap then got to work . I did all the thankless jobs - emptying trash cans & taking out the trash & recycling , sweeping , cleaning crumbs off the table and highchair , emptying and refilling the dishwasher , starting laundry . . . No fun at all , but had to be done . Then I sprayed for ants around the front door and on the front porch . Immediately after doing so , Trouble walked ( barefoot ) through the bug spray . We had an unplanned foot washing in the kitchen sink , which led to cleaning the sink , which led to cleaning the counters , etc . Then I looked at the clock and it was time to get everyone ready to go . Donkey was awake and poopy , of course . After changing him , I put him in the play yard and got 5 up , who of course was also poopy . I 'm amazed at how fast I can change a poopy diaper . I hope I get credit for it on a resume one day when I have to go back to work . Then I buckled 5 into his carrier and put shoes on Donkey and Trouble . I took them out and buckled them in the van . After that I got 5 and snapped his carrier into the base . We left for Pirate 's school , right around the corner . It literally took me longer to get everyone ready and in the car than it took to get to the preschool . When I got there , the entire parking lot was full . So I parked in a handicap space . I had no choice , plus I knew what I was up against with actually getting into the school . First I unbuckled Trouble and had him wait next to 5 . I unbuckled Donkey and carried him around to the other side of the van . Again , whoever thought of automatic sliding doors was a GENIUS ! While still holding Donkey on my left side , I unlatched the carrier and slid it onto my right arm , then held Trouble 's hand so he could hop out of the van . We walked right up to the schoPosted by I had a fantastic Mother 's Day this year ! It is all thanks to my totally amazing husband . He has always made Mother 's Day special for me , but this year with 5 kids , it was appreciated more than ever . He had to work on Saturday , but once he was home , he told me it was my time . I took a nap while he took care of the kids . Yesterday morning , he made breakfast for everyone , like he usually does on the weekends . But he let me sleep in and come downstairs when breakfast was ready . Usually while he makes breakfast I feed the baby or get the kids dressed or straighten up or wash dishes . This time , I just laid in bed . It was great ! Pirate called me to come down to breakfast and said there was a surprise . When I got to the table , there was a gift bag with a card next to my plate . We usually don 't get each other gifts for holidays . We usually just get what we need for ourselves and save the rest to use on the kids ' birthdays and things for them . I was surprised and excited to see a gift on the table for me . I ate my delicious breakfast first ( pays to have married a chef ! ) then he cleared the dishes for me to open my present . He had the camera ready , so I knew it had to be something good . I had specific instructions to read the card then reach into the bag immediately . I did what I was told , and at the bottom of the card was a quote from part of the Katy Perry song that said " That 's what you get for wakin up in " with a big arrow next to it , my cue to reach into the bag . I pulled out a travel brochure for Las Vegas ! To say I was excited would be the understatement of the year . I was ecstatic ! You couldn 't wipe the grin off my face ! So here 's the story on the Vegas trip . It 's not exactly a Mother 's Day present , although it was a Mother 's Day surprise . Our 10th anniversary is in October , and we 've been talking for a few weeks about how we should go somewhere to celebrate . We decided that it would be our gift to each other for all the holidays and birthdays where we never exchange gifts . We talked about a bunch of places , but IIt just got better as the day continued . My husband did everything . I really wanted that , but felt guilty for thinking that I wanted an entire day to do nothing . I know how hard I work as a mom . I know how much I want a break . But I feel guilty because I know how hard my husband works at two jobs all week long , not to mention the fact that he had to work all day Saturday . So I felt selfish hoping I could get a day to myself . But that 's exactly what I got . I didn 't change a single diaper all day ! That in itself is amazing . It was a good day for a diaper pass too . Donkey , Trouble , and 5 all pooped twice . And both of Trouble 's dumps were in underwear . I didn 't have to deal with any of it ! Seriously , the best feeling in the world ! I needed a few things at the store , so I took Princess with me to Target . She had a gift card so I told her she could pick out something for herself . We did some shopping , then went to lunch . She was happy to get away from the boys for a while , and I was happy to get some time with the girl who gave me my first Mother 's Day . When we got home , my husband made me a margarita and we sat out on the deck talking about our trip while the little guys were napping . My husband had done laundry , fed the kids lunch and cleaned up afterward , and he got all the little guys down for their naps . As if that wasn 't enough , he fixed a couple things around the house . When the boys started waking up , he told me to go relax , and while I parked myself on the couch with the iPad , he got everyone up , fed the baby a bottle , and set the other kids up with snacks outside . Later , he made dinner , cleaned up from dinner , gave all the kids their baths , fed the baby , put all the kids to bed , ran to the grocery store , ran the dishwasher , made Princess 's lunch for today , and set the coffee for this morning . When he was at the store , he got me a piece of my favorite cake to have while we watched our shows and he folded the laundry . Seriously , what did I do to deserve such an amazing husband ? ? I went the entire day without chMe with my loves - at least 3 are looking at the camera ! Hearing Trouble say " Fucks " . Having him repeat it . Then realizing he is saying " Fox " because they are doing ' OX ' words on SuperWhy . Maybe I need my hearing checked . Or he needs a Phonics lesson . Me : " Did you touch the pee that spilled on the floor ? " Trouble : " No . I just splashed my foot in it . " Aunt Na is my sister . Her day on Monday was funnier than anything that happened here this week . Hopefully she doesn 't mind me sharing . Here is Aunt Na 's Facebook status summing up her Monday : I almost peed my pants as she would call me throughout the day telling me about what was going on with her . I also had the pleasure of being on the phone with her when she hit the goose , which she also referred to as a bird , duck , and peacock . In case you 're wondering , her son was better that evening , her hair looks great , her DNA was found , and the giant bird is now in birdie heaven . * * I 'm not into plagiarism , I swear . The Birthday Paper from junior year in high school taught me how to correctly cite my sources , and I carried that knowledge through many research papers in college . There is no author listed on this poem . I even googled it to find the author and only found ' Author Unknown ' . Feel free to share if you know who wrote this . Children Are Watching I took Princess out last night to ride bikes again . She 's doing a great job ! She 's a little scared of riding on the sidewalk , so for now we 're sticking to the pool parking lot down the street from our house . Both of us were still working on riding well when we went out last night . We had a good time though , laughing at ourselves getting used to riding our bikes . We even had a few races across the parking lot ! I enjoyed the free feeling of riding a bike . It didn 't feel as torturous as running . I did not enjoy the way the bike seat hurt my butt . I just assumed that a butt my size would provide better cushioning against a bike seat . Apparently the extra ' junk in the trunk ' is for nothing . My butt is still sore today ! As we were riding around the parking lot , a car pulled in and parked near the entrance . The driver and passenger both got out and switched seats . It was a teenage girl and her mom . The girl had been driving and they switched for the mom to get behind the wheel . When they left , I found myself watching their car drive all the way down the street until I couldn 't see it anymore . As I watched the car , I thought about how I will be that mom one day and how she was once me . I wondered if she saw the irony in our situations , me with my little girl on a bike , her with her big girl in a car . I immediately thought about how one day , in the not too far off future , I will be taking my little girl out to learn how to drive a car . And that thought terrified me . Not because I 'm afraid of her being an awful driver , but because I realized it is inevitable that she is going to grow up . I thought about how she will drive a car . She will go to high school . She will become independent . She won 't need me as much as she does now . Not needing me is the scary part . She will have her own friends and a boyfriend . She will study and work and hang out with friends . She will go to college , she will meet the right guy for her and get married . She will have her own family . All of these things make me sad . Don 't get me wrong - I want all of these things for Princess . I want her to be successful and happy and healthy . I want her to find love like I did and have a family of her own . I want her to experience the joy of being a mother and a wife . But at the same time , I don 't . I just want her to stay little forever . I want to freeze time and keep her where she is in life . I like that she wants me around , and that she lets me fix her hair and give out snacks when she has a playdate . I like checking her homework and making her lunch . I like knowing where she is every minute of the day and night . I like being able to protect her from the world . I know that I won 't always be able to do that . While I was lost in these thoughts about the future , I heard " September 2004 Over the weekend , I learned that having a big family is not an excuse to not do things . It definitely makes certain things harder , but we can 't always use it as an excuse to get out of doing stuff . There are still things that we won 't attempt because of having so many kids . But there are things that we are able to do that we hadn 't done before . Nothing major , but things that we pushed off before thinking it would be too much . Going places is still difficult , and will be for a while . If we 're truly not going to enjoy going to an event because we 're spending the whole time managing the kids , we 'll wait on that until they are older . I will continue to choose to stay home during the day over taking all of the kids out for a quick trip to the grocery store to to pick something up from Target . With 5 kids , there is no such thing as a " quick trip " anywhere . Loading and unloading the van in itself takes more time than it is worth . If I have the choice to run errands during the day with all the kids or wait until the evening when my husband is home , it 's a no brainer ! But I know from experience that if the school nurse calls and Princess is sick , I can load the four boys in the van and get Princess back home in ten minutes . That is truly a Mom Superpower ! There are times where it is just easier to say no to doing something . There are also times where we try something and find out that before we try that again , we have to do things differently . For example , last weekend we went to my sister in law 's house to eat crabs . Having a newborn , a one year old who is scared that we are just dropping him off therefore crying when anyone else even looks at him , and a terrible two year old who gets into absolutely everything in sight , made it impossible for either of us to sit down , let alone attempt pick and eat crabs . ( I am aware that is probably the longest run - on sentence ever . ) Sometimes if we get invited somewhere it is easier to not go , or to have just one of us go and take a couple kids instead of all of them . The last time we went to church as a family on our own was in July of 2009 , about a month after Trouble was born . Pirate had just turned two , and couldn 't sit still . Trouble cried for the last half of the Mass , and Princess and Pirate whined almost the whole time . Back then , my husband was working every other weekend , and I never would have attempted taking three kids to church by myself the weekends he was at work . We thought it was too hard to take all the kids to church , so on his weekends off , we would take turns going to Mass , or just not go . We all went to church when Trouble was baptized , then again when Donkey was baptized . Both of those times , we depended on our families to help with the other kids while the baptism took place . Princess made her First Communion last weekend , and we only took Pirate with us to the Mass . We realized that it is important for at least the older kids to go to church , so this weekend we decided that we will go back to taking turns taking the kids to church . Eventually we will attempt taking everyone , but not for a while . Having a big family isn 't an excuse to get out of doing things that are important to your faith . We have never hosted a playdate at our house . Princess has gone to friends ' houses to play before , but never invited anyone over here . When she would ask , I would always say , " One day . It 's too hard with all the kids at home right now . " . In my defense , I don 't know a lot of her friends ' parents very well . Having all the kids is an excuse not to go to her school to visit during the day or to volunteer at events , just because you can 't take other kids . She has had friend parties for her birthday the past two years , and I have met the friends ' parents , but I don 't know them well . We also live on kind of a main road , and most of our neighbors are older . If we lived on a court or in a smaller neighborhood , I 'm sure we 'd have kids in and out all the time . Anyway , Princess hosted her first playdate yesterday with her best friend . They ride the bus together , go to Religious Ed together , and Princess has gone to her house to play before . I am so glad I finally gave in and let her have a friend over . We worked around naps and the boys running around and the girls were able to play together . They had a great time ! When her mom came to pick Princess 's friend up , she brought her little brother who is Pirate 's age . They will go to kindergarten together next year . He jumped right in and started playing with the boys like they had been friends forever . It made me so happy to see the kids having friends to play with , and knowing that if I give things like this a chance they will work out fine . Having a big family isn 't an excuse to get out of doing things that are important to your kids . This weekend I also took Princess and Pirate to do a fundraising walk for March of Dimes . In the past I never would have attempted to do this with all the kids . Having my husband home on weekends is definitely a help because I didn 't have to take everyone . That would have been impossible . I took the oldest two kids with me and they did great ! I should note that I completely underestimated how far 4 miles is , and given the choice again , I would have just taken one of the little guys in a stroller . Princess walked the whole thing and didn 't complain once . Pirate made it halfway then had a complete meltdown . He was sweaty and dragging . Why did I bring him ? Because I gave in that morning when he started crying that he wanted to go . Again , completely underestimated how long it was . * Sidenote - this walk made me a little nervous about the 5k I am supposed to " run " at the end of June . I can 't imagine the sweat . Thankfully , one of our friends offered us an umbrella stroller for Pirate so he could take a break . At first , he freaked out about the stroller . I guess it 's degrading to be going on 5 and riding in a stroller . I didn 't care , it was the only way to finish . In the end , he was really happy that he got to ride the rest of the way and eat his goldfish . Having a big family isn 't an excuse to get out of doing things that are important to your friends . Princess just recently learned how to ride her bike with not training wheels . Yes , we are aware that most kids knew how to ride way before now . It was one of those things that we would think of teaching her , say we 'd do it next weekend , forget , then remember at the end of the weekend . It 's ok though , she is now an official bike rider , and only occasionally hits a street sign : ) Pirate wanted to start riding his bike as well , and my husband made sure he took time to take them each out individually to ride over the weekend . He also bought a bike that both of us can use so we can go riding with the kids . He was able to go out for a ride alone yesterday . Then I did it too - I rode a bike for the first time in probably fifteen years . It has probably been longer than that because I didn 't look at my bike again once I started driving . It 's funny how when you 're a teenager you can 't wait to drive and not use a bike and now that I 'm an adult I can 't wait to go for a bike ride when my husband gets home today ! We also spent way more time outside this weekend than we have in a while . Donkey doesn 't get to play outside much because I need to be there with him , so usually I just stay in with the babies while the three big kids play in the yard . I do take him for walks with me around the neighborhood , and he got to play out back for a while over the weekend . Watching a new walker get used to walking in Crocs and on the grass never gets old ! We spent lots of family time outside getting active this weekend , and it made us feel really good . We set a good example for the kids showing them that we can go for bike rides and long walks and run and enjoy ourselves . Having a big family isn 't an excuse to get out of things important to your health . It is difficult to have a big family . I know that it is a challenge to do anything having so many kids . I know that we will not do some things as a family until the kids are older . 5 may not see the inside of a restaurant until he is a teenager ! But I know we can 't stay shut inside our house f ready for bed ! " Ew , Pirate . That is so gross . You can 't marry your sister . " - Princess reacting to the above statement . " I hided my ninjas from Trouble . But I hided them too good . I can 't find them anywhere . " - Pirate " You can come down from timeout , Pirate , but you can 't throw your place mat on the floor anymore ! " - Trouble letting Pirate out of timeout , but it had nothing to do with a place mat . " My teacher was at school today . I guess she didn 't have her baby anymore . " - Pirate after his teacher came back from maternity leave . Cleaning poop off of the kitchen floor after changing a poop filled Pull - Up . It was also on my arm and Trouble 's legs and foot . Needless to say , we had an emergency bath at 9 : 30 pm and lost a pair of pajamas . I don 't clean poop off of clothes . Catching Trouble running around the basement after taking off his pants for no apparent reason . Donkey sticking his fingers in our noses . He hasn 't learned that you can 't pick your friend 's nose . Trouble was scratching his butt and I told him to stop . He proceeded to start singing " Scratchy my butt hole " to the tune of " Frosty the Snowman " . I can 't make this stuff up ! Ok , maybe the title of this post is a little harsh . You will sleep . We need to sleep in order to survive . But you will never sleep the same again once you are a parent . If you are a woman , your sleeplessness ( I totally made up that word ) will begin while you are pregnant . And from that point on , you won 't sleep , like really really good sleep , again . You 'll get used to this new way of sleeping , and eventually it will be all you know . It 's been a little over 9 years since I found out I was pregnant the first time . I barely remember what sleep was like before that time . So , when you 're pregnant , sleep sucks , at least at the end anyway . If you 're lucky like me , it sucks most of the way through . In the beginning I was up to pee 157 times every night . When that wore off a little , the most insane heartburn kicked in . I slept with antacids on my nightstand . I would wake up with acid in my throat like I was choking . That lasted through the end of the pregnancy . This last time , I had horrible hip and leg pain from 5 months to the end . I 'm assuming it was because of being pregnant for 2 straight years . Then I had sciatica on top of all that . My hips and legs would hurt after a half hour or so , so I 'd have to roll to the other side . It 's like trying to roll a beached whale back into the ocean . Add in three or four other kids who randomly wake up at night , and you 're screwed . Then you have the baby and sleep in the hospital , but let 's be honest . . . hospital beds aren 't ideal . To me , getting home in my own bed and finally being able to sleep on my stomach is like heaven . Except there 's a newborn sleeping in my room who wakes up to eat every three to four hours . With Princess , my husband and I were novices . We both got up every time she cried that first night home . We didn 't know what we were doing , bumping into each other in her room , making her bottle , trying to figure out who should feed her and change her . When she would go back to sleep , I would get this panicky feeling that she wasn 't breathing or that she might stop breathing or that something might happen to her . I think I stayed awake all night worrying about her being ok . The next day my mom gave us this amazing idea where we could take turns at night . That way one of us could get a few hours of sleep while the other one got up . It helped us a lot . But when the baby wakes up , regardless of who gets up with her , the other parent wakes up too . So , you 're not exactly sleeping through the night . By the fifth baby , the first night home wasn 't as scary . I went to bed at 8 : 30 right after the other kids , so I had a solid four hours before he woke up for my feeding . When you have a baby sleeping in your room , you 're always aware of the baby 's presence . You hear all their noises . This time , 5 would start to grunt as he was waking up , right before he would cry . That was the cue to get up and get him out of the room before he woke everyone else . Having a lot of kids makes nighttime trickier . We have the three older kids in one room , and the babies in the other room . We kept the baby in our room for the first two months , so Donkey basically had his own room . He 's a really light sleeper and we were concerned about having to go in his room to get the baby . We didn 't need two babies awake at once . When 5 started sleeping through the night , we moved him to his crib , and for the most part it is working out well . But we still aren 't sleeping normally . We get the new baby to start sleeping all night , and of course one or two or sometimes three of the other kids starts getting up . Trouble wakes up crying during the night because he has kicked off his covers . The kid who opens the front door and escapes , climbs onto the dining room table , and tries to fix his own snacks , can 't pull up his own blankets ? I don 't get it . But he wakes up crying for us to cover him . He was also waking up crying last month because he had molars coming through . Expert mom that I am didn 't realize this until I got a BabyCenter newsletter saying ' your two and a half year old may be getting molars at this time ' . No wonder he was shoving toys in his mouth all the day . I just equated it to him being trouble . At the same time , Donkey 's first set of molars was coming through , so he was waking up crying at night too . Then there are the normal night time wake ups where Princess or Pirate have to go to the bathroom or need a drink . Twice in the last 3 weeks , Pirate has fallen out of bed , so we have to go put him back in his bed . Princess and Pirate have bPosted by I 'm a mother of 5 kids , 4 of which are 5 and under . My life seems to revolve around wiping butts and noses . There is never a dull moment in this house of chaos ! |
801 . I cant come to work today , I don 't feel that I am being appreciated there . 802 . I cant come to work today , I coughed three times in succession . Though I have no other symptoms , I 'd better stay home just in case . 803 . I am a team leader and I have a ton of excuses that people use . This one is just stupid , I have to go home , look at my eyes see how big the pupils are ! Yes they are big , what happened get a little flashy ? ( we work in a weld shop ) No my eyes were bothering me and I grabbed some eye drops and after I put them in I noticed they were for my cat . Well with the attendance problem this guy has I told him he must get in touch with a person who could excuse this ( almost laughing in his face ) . He actually called the plant manager and I guess instead of wanting to laugh at him he told him to go home . 806 . Have a friend call into your work and tell them this : Hi , I 'm _________ 's cousin and I am calling to let you know that our grandma was just admitted to the hospital for having a seizure , stroke , and a heart attack all within 5 minuets of each other and it doesn 't look like she is going to make it very much longer . I am calling to let you know that ________ is not going to be able to make it to work today because he / she is up at the hospital . Thank you . 809 . This happened to my husband about 3 years ago . . . " I 'm sorry sir , I can 't come into work today . My car is sitting in a junkyard , because I was hit by a drunk driver last night . He 's doing fine , apparently the alcohol was a great shock absorber , but my car is destroyed . And on top of that , I threw my back out and I have bruises on my fingertips where I gripped the steering wheel , so I won 't be typing for months . Thank you . " 813 . This guy came to work and I think he pissed , and he gave the lamest excuse to the boss : " Yesterday I bumped into a dead catfish and it told me not to go to work tomorrow and I believed it . " ( true story ) 814 . A co - worker left early 1 day ( 3 : 00 pm ) to go to a funeral ( cemetery ) . Lives 1 hour away , picks up wife , cemetery another hour away . It 's 5 : 00 pm now ( dark out ) ! Called in next day said he slipped on the ice at the cemetery threw his back out . Came back to work 4 days later . 815 . A co - worker told the boss 1 day that he had to go a funeral the next day for a Dear old Aunt and needed the day off . He also stated that he was giving the Eulogy . He comes back to work and was confronted by another co - worker on how the funeral and Eulogy went for his Uncle , oh just fine every thing went well ! 817 . I can 't come to work today , I just don 't feel like it . 818 . I can 't go to work today , I keep having panic attacks . 819 . I can 't go to work today , I have been diagnosed " perfectly healthy " . 820 . I can 't come to work today , because I don 't want to . 821 . I 'm sorry , honey I can 't come to work , I 'm not in the mood . 822 . I can 't come to work today because I had a psychic premonition that I would hate it there . 823 . I can 't come to work today , I only have five hours left to live . 824 . I can 't come to work today , I have more important things to do . 825 . I need to go on an emergency holiday in three weeks time , a family member going to pass away un expectantly . 826 . My Maintenance Supervisor had his girlfriend call in to work to let us know he was going to be out for the morning the next day due to a doctors appointment . When he called the next morning to let us know he was going to be in a half an hour later , I asked how his doctors appointment went and he let me know he had strep throat . Needless to say what really happened was he had spent the night in the county jail . 827 . Really happened , I live on a Dead End street . One day I woke up to a banging on my door and a cop yelling " this is the S . W . A . T . team get out now there is a man with a gun in your attic " so I grabbed my phone , my cat and ran . When I got outside they went in and realized it was the house before mine . I called work to tell them what happened and but my boss didn 't believe me so I gave the phone to one of the cops who had to tell them what was going on and that I couldn 't leave my street until they got him out of the other house . When he gave me the phone back my boss told me " ok , I believe you don 't want to come in , but isn 't this going to an extreme ! " Later that day I was able to go to work and by the time I got there it was all over the news and so was I in my pajama 's ! 828 . The reason I was off work yesterday is because I had amnesia and forgot I had a job . 831 . A co - worker of mine was late getting back from her lunch break . We asked her , and she said that a guy she had left with at the start of her lunch break had been stalking her and she had been trying to lose him in town . Our supervisor bought it , but when she went home that evening I realized that the guy she claimed was stalking her was actually her boyfriend . No , I didn 't snitch . 833 . I won 't be in today . My girlfriend is in labor and I am at the hospital with her . If my wife calls , please tell her I am unavailable . 834 . Years ago I had accepted a job at an engineering firm as a draftsman ( a long time ago men drew the drawings for the engineers ) and was to start on Monday morning at 8 : 00 am . I was up early and was getting ready when my pooch Johnna wanted out . So I opened the hatch on my sailboat and let her out she rushed onto the cockpit and jumped for the pier . But that morning she did not make it and fell in the drink . Because of an exceptionally low tide that day . I could not get her back to the stern of the boat and there was no way to climb down to her from the pier . So I waited for the tide to come in and called my new employer that I 'd be late because my dog fell overboard . When I got to work Herb Sullivan ( a prince of a man ) came up to me and said " We normally run the alibi contest from January the first to December the 31st , but after today we have our winner for the years . My dog fell overboard ! I 've never heard that one before and doubt I 'll ever hear it again " 836 . Boss : Why are you late ? Worker : Because I 'm not on time . Boss : This report is a disgrace ! How did this happen ? Worker : Sorry , I was just trying out the eCretin 2003 , the ultimate in moronic technology ! 837 . Some one broke into my house last night , it looks like they didn 't take anything and there isn 't any damage , there are clothes every where and dishes scattered throughout , my place is an absolute mess , I will be in when I get this mess cleaned up and I hope they catch the fool who did this ! 838 . " The cat was in a hammock on the radiator . The radiator fell off the wall . I 'm on the way to the vet . " 839 . You : I 'm Sorry , I cannot attend work because of some family business . . . BOSS : And what 's this business about ? YOU : If I tell you ill need to kill you . 840 . True Story : A very good friend of mine " Tony " went to his sisters wedding . He left early from work on Friday . A week later he had not returned and no one from the office could get a hold of him . That following Monday he sheepishly returned and went to work at his drafting table . This is what happened . Tony went to his hometown for the wedding and 4 hours before the nuptials he was so stinking drunk he picked a fight with a kid he 'd grown up with , the kid was now a city policeman , and in that part of Pennsylvania who should not fight the law . They tossed him in the can and he spent the entire week waiting for the judge to hear the case . When the owner of the company Herb Sullivan ( a prince of a man ) came in he demanded that Tony tell him if " it hurt a lot " . Herb kept asking " Just tell me the truth Tony , did it hurt a lot ? " Tony ; " What are you talking about Herb " Herb : " G __ D ___ it Tony did it hurt ? ? " Tony : " Please Herb What are you talking about ? " Herb : " You know when you joined the Marines and they put that big hose up to your head and sucked all your brains out . DID IT HURT ALOT ? " We all just roared with laughter . And that 's all Herb ever said on the matter . God Bless him . 841 . I 'm in middle management at a small company , and our Vice President actually called in one morning and sent a picture via email : " I 'll be in a little late , ' cause I backed out of my garage and forgot to open the garage door . It 's trashed . " And , it was ! 842 . Sorry , I know I am 30 minutes late , but when I drank my coffee it was so hot that I burned my tongue . Then I had to stick my tongue in the freezer for 20 minutes to cook it off . 843 . My step mom does this all the time . She goes drinking at night and skips work the next day ' cause she 's having a hangover . 846 . I used to in the food industry , So if you wanted to take time off all you had to do was phone in with a stomach upset or " flu like symptoms " and that was that . Then the rules were changed stomach upsets that lasted for less than 12 hours you could not go to work for 24 hours after the last episode , over 12 hours and it was 48 hours . 847 . My best excuse was that a tree had trapped me , it had I was using an axe to cut some of the smaller branches of a large branch of an oak tree and it rolled over and trapped my leg . It took 11 people to free me and 6 weeks before the dressing came off . 848 . I 've used this a few times . Sometimes you only want one crappy ass shift off so here it is . Say you have an inflamed hip , shoulder , back , neck etc . and am unable to walk , lift , stand , support head . The next day , if asked about your " Miraculous Recovery . " Just say you took an over the counter anti inflammatory such as ibuprofen . 850 . I can 't come in today because I accidentally sent all my underwear and clothes to the laundry and I can 't even go out to get them until my mother comes over in 2 days with some used clothes . 851 . I had to bring my little boy to the doctor . 852 . The battery in my door opener and car alarm is dead and I can 't turn off my alarm . I have to go buy a new one and I 'll be in later . 853 . An excuse my sister use to use to call in too work every Monday for a complete year before she got fired , I can 't come in today my grandmother died . Finally before they caned her they asked her do you realize that every Monday for a complete year you have called in with the same excuse your grandmother died ? She said , yea I was waiting for you too catch on . 854 . I can 't come in to work today . The muffler bearings have gone out on my van . 855 . Sorry I can 't make it into work today , but I took a Viagra by mistake this morning and now I can 't get my trousers done up ! 856 . A co - worker of mine just used this one a few days ago . My friend fell off the roof , I won 't be able to make it in today , I have to take them to the hospital . If it was true , who knows , but it worked . 857 . I have use this one before and it worked for being late . The main road was blocked off , I turned down a side street and got lost . 858 . I had to call off work once because I threw my back out blow drying my hair . No one really believed me but it was the truth ! 859 . Please excuse Bobby Bonner from work today his mother was admitted into the hospital . 860 . Not showing up for work excuse : Sorry for not coming to work yesterday . My mom made me get this job , but since she passed away yesterday , I don 't feel like working for you anymore ! ! ! 863 . Boss : Why did you miss work yesterday ? Employee : Why , don 't be silly . Every day I 'm not at work , every second I 'm apart from ( work place ) I miss my work . I can 't help it ! I love my job ! Boss : Huh ? 864 . The 30 Minute Excuse ! Sorry I cant make it in to work today , but my ass was exploding in the toilet this afternoon , and when I tried to get up I slipped and knocked myself unconscious on the edge of the bath tub and didn 't come to consciousness until 30 minutes after I was supposed to be into work . 865 . Sorry I couldn 't make it in . I awoke this morning and found that there was a fungus growing all over my walls . This fungus was featured recently on the Discovery channel as the most common household killer , and I feel very quaint . Tomorrow doesn 't look good very good for me either . 866 . Sorry about not coming in . All of my clothes have been devoured by weevils . The weevils attacked and devoured my hair too . I am so very cold . 867 . I have not been at work for the last two weeks because of the following reasons : As I left the house on Monday morning , I was kidnapped by a group of desperate squirrels who took me to the woods and locked me in a dark , cold room . There was an earthquake and the walls fell down , so I managed to escape and run to a phone box to call you . As I approached the phone box , there was a total eclipse of the sun and I ended up in crate by mistake , which was then put onto a ship by a giant crane . I woke up in Australia As I was an illegal immigrant , I was arrested and put in jail . After two days , I was released and sent back to England . On the way back to my house , I tripped over and broke both my legs . Unfortunately , on the way to hospital , the ambulance hit a truck and exploded , throwing me high into the air . I landed in the sea and was luckily saved by a group of wild dolphins who carried me on their backs to safety . Unfortunately again , they took me to France and I was arrested for not carrying my passport . I tried to explain what happened to the Police , but my French is really bad , so what I said to them , apparently , translated into : � I am on a secret mission to destroy your government and I have a gun in my pocket � . They got very angry and threw me in jail . Luckily , I found a spoon in my cell and managed to dig a hole through the floor and escape . After four days of dragging myself to Calais , I managed to get onto a boat and hide . Unfortunately , the boat hit a rock and sank halfway across the channel , so I had to cling onto a piece of wood and wait for the current to take me back to Dover . Two days passed and finally I saw land . As I drifted onto shore , I was knocked unconscious and suffered from amnesia . I didn � t know who I was or where I lived . A kindly fishermen took me to his cottage where he and his wife nursed me back to health . After three days , they took me to the Police who then arrested me as I resembled a wanted bank robber . After I convinced them that they had the wrong person , they let me go a869 . I can 't make it to work because I have no excuses , and need to day to make up excuses to miss work . 870 . I can 't make it to work because I won the lottery . 873 . Supervisor called employee at 10am on a Friday morning after he had not arrived into work . The excuse was , " I thought it was Saturday so I slept in . " 874 . I had a delivery driver who worked for me who didn 't show up one morning . I called him and reminded him he was late . He said he wouldn 't be coming in till later . I asked why and he said he just found out he was not " a morning person " . I fired him . 878 . One time I didn 't show up for work . The next day my boss says where were you . I said I started my period ok . He turned red and walked away . 879 . I had to use this excuse the other day , the apartments I live in were doing construction on the outside of all the apartments and I live on the second floor so I had to call and say . . . " I couldn 't come to class because they just concreted my porch , so I was cemented into my apartment . " 880 . I am in the Navy and I hear things like this constantly - Sorry I 'm late , I got out of the house a little late and then on my way to work I saw a guy on the highway with a flat tire so I decided to stop and help him out . 882 . I used this after not showing up to work one Friday night . . " Oh I must 've read the schedule wrong because when I looked there was nothing there next to my name . " 883 . I am a registered nurse working in a hospital in this area . Over the past 12 years There was a nurse who called off a couple of weeks for a complete hysterectomy . Wait , not once , but three different times . 884 . I moved to Missouri , and had to cross several bridges to make it to work . One day during a freeze I spun out crossing a bridge . Me being originally from California after that when the temperature dropped well below freezing I called off because the bridges were frozen . I did this for 3 years about 20 times a year , and was never questioned about it . 885 . An excuse from a chronically absent employee . " I was on my way to work when I started coughing which caused me to puke all over the windshield and shit in my pants , so I won 't be in to work . " 886 . Some strange things happen at my house , and everyone at work thinks my house is haunted , me included . I called in to work and stated that furniture was moving around and that I couldn 't open the door . And if someone could come to the house and help me I could come to work . No one ever showed up . I 've used that excuse twice . 891 . I cant come into work today because I have food poisoning . I went out with the lads last night and we had a cheap curry , we all ended up sick except for _______ , who just had a coke ! Sorry ! 892 . I have a friend who was on her way into work and had to turn around once she got there because she had forgot to put her dress on . She was only wearing her slip ! I was a long distance friend of hers and was talking with her on her cell phone when it happened . 894 . I once called in & told the boss " I was standing on a chair hanging curtains , the cat jumped on the chair , made me lose my balance & I fell & hurt my back . It 's only bruised , see you tomorrow . " Here 's one I recently overheard from Massachusetts : Monday " sally was a no show " . On Tuesday she calls the boss . Sorry I wasn 't there yesterday , I � m stuck in Philadelphia . Went there for the weekend to visit pregnant daughter while here her boyfriend pushed her down the stairs , she broke a rib & it poked the baby , after her surgery , sally went to daughters boyfriends home & broke his arm . Well at the end of this excuse who cares to ask why she didn 't call on Monday or when sally would be in . P . S . after successful surgery the daughter had a healthy baby . 895 . I 've actually used this and it worked . I 'm so sorry that I don 't have the work , but you see , my dog had puppies recently , and they 've gotten out of the box , and somehow the disk with my assignment on it was on the floor and one of the puppies ( I 've used both ) peed on it / chewed it up . 896 . This last year has been full of mishaps ! On an average I miss about 4 days of work a month . Here are some of the excuses I used for things that really happened . I will not be in to work today because . . . I am in jail . There is a chance they won 't release me so I might not be in tomorrow either . The Public Defender screwed up and they issued a warrant for my arrest . I was rear ended in traffic and my truck was totaled and I have whiplash . I stepped on a piece of glass and can 't get it out so I have to go to the doctor . I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and need to take care of some personal things . I don 't have a ride . I electrocuted myself last night and am waiting for the electrician to check the wiring in my house so I don 't have to live in fear . The toilet won 't stop overflowing and I 'm waiting for the Plummer . I impaled my hand on a cactus and it 's swollen 3x it 's normal size an I think I should go to the doctor . The doctor put me on pain pills for the cactus thing and I feel kinda funny . I think it would be best if I stayed home . An old family friend came into town . I 'm in the emergency room . I woke up with a swollen throat and a strange rash . I forgot to set my alarm and didn 't wake up until 3 : 00 this afternoon . I don 't want to talk about it right now . . . but I 'll most likely see you tomorrow . The dentist got carried away with the Novocain and I can 't stop drooling . Anyways . . . these are only a few . The funniest thing is they 're all true and I still have my job . 900 . A employee is always calling in for some excuse but the excuse that me and my co - workers laugh at is the latest one . She called in bout an hour before she had to be at work and said her babysitter ran into the wall and she had to take her to the hospital , but what is weird is that her mom watches her baby . 902 . A Marine I worked with in California had a bad habit of stopping to surf on his way to work . One day , having arrived about an hour late , he came up with his best excuse : I was driving to work in my jeep , luckily I didn 't have the top on today , cause I saw this little girl leaning out the window of a station wagon . I could tell the family didn 't have much money , cause it was an old beat up station wagon . Anyways , I kept my eye on the little girl , cause I knew she 'd fall out of the window . Sure ' nuff ! She fell out the window . I was right beside the station wagon when it happened , so I reached out and grabbed her . You know how little kids jeans have little , tiny , belt loops ? Well , it wasn 't easy but I got my big finger into those little tiny belt loops and yanked her into the jeep . But that 's not why I 'm late . The mayor of San Diego was behind me and she stopped and wanted me to go to city hall so she could award me in front of everyone . But that 's not why I 'm late either , see I spent too long arguing with the mayor that I couldn 't go back to San Diego cause I 'd be late for work . Boss : Lamont , why is your hair wet ? Uh . . . cause I was so wound up from saving that little girl by her little belt loop that I stopped at the beach to recover for a moment , and well , while I was there , these awesome waves were coming in and , well . . . I uh . . . Boss - You went surfing , didn 't you ? Yeah , but that 's not why I 'm late . . . didn 't you listen ? It didn 't really work the first time , and it really didn 't work the 2nd time , 9 months later , when he tried it again . I 'm sorry I didn 't make it ! My car broke down ; I ran out of gas ; my mother died ; I had to go to the doctor ; there was an earthquake . It wasn 't my fault ! 916 . I moved into an apartment with a garage that had a padlock on it instead of automatically opening . I thought it would be a good idea to put the padlock key on a different keychain so I wouldn 't have to turn off my car to unlock the garage . I came home very tired one day and put my car away . The next morning , I woke up for my 4 am shift and went out to get my car , and realized that I had locked the key for the padlock in my car ! I had to call work and tell them if they wanted me to come in , someone would have to come get me . Luckily , I only lived 3 miles away , so they sent this stoner guy , but he couldn 't figure out how I managed to lock my car in my garage . Yes , I am blonde , but really I was exhausted from working 4 am shifts for too many years . 917 . I worked as the day bartender in a neighborhood dive bar . It was easy to get someone to cover for me , and my manager didn 't get to upset when I wanted a day off - so I took advantage . ( He has admitted that I was one of his best , most reliable employees in years ! ? ! ) Some of my reasons for wanting time off were : My best friend 's grandpa died so I 'm going down to LA to help with the after funeral party and for her moral support . I need to get my hair done , and it 's an hour drive each way , so I may as well take the whole day off . ( This happened every 4 weeks , but one time I came back and I still had roots ! ) A customer was mean today and made me cry so I want tomorrow off because I 'm feeling very sensitive and PMSe . I need a change of locale so I want to take 2 extra days off to go to Mexico with my boyfriend to drink beer down there . When I returned from Mexico , my car had been stolen so I need the next day off to deal with the police report , etc making it a 6 day weekend . ( The car was found without damage , but out of gas at 7 : 30 the next morning . ) I started the Atkins diet over the weekend and am exhausted because I have had no carbs for energy so I want to stay home and sleep . You gave me too many free drinks last night on your shift and if I even smell alcohol today , I will puke . I have to go downtown for an exam for another job . 918 . I actually used this excuse and it was true . In the days before ATM cards , I needed cash before the bank lobby opened . As I turned the corner to enter the drive - thru , there were numerous cows blocking the drive - thru lanes . Being a city girl , I had to wait until the farmer came to claim his cows . 919 . Man , I was so anxious about the drug test that I had to smoke a joint to calm my nerves . ( I used this excuse as a new hire when I tested positive for THC . ) I used this excuse after missing my very first day of work . " The Company Clinic called me yesterday morning and told me I tested positive for cocaine . I figured I wasn 't hired so why show up ? Later that night I found out my ex had a friend of her 's call me and impersonate the doctor so I 'd lose the job . ( it worked ) 920 . Girlfriend on coworker : Sandy can 't come into work today , because he cut his finger this past weekend and had to go to the emergency room and now the pain medication he is on has knocked him out . . . . Boss : But he missed this past Thursday and Friday too ! Girlfriend : Never mind that he used excuses the past 3 days to make it a 5 day weekend . This is a life or death situation here . Good - bye . 921 . The fuse for my bedroom popped last night and my alarm clock didn 't go off . 922 . I 'm sorry I 'm not at work last week , but I had a freak accident , I was giving the house a spring clean and I accidentally knocked a clock off the mantle peace and it landed on my dogs tail , my dog went crazy and started to run round the house so I tried to catch him to calm him down but he ran strait into the fridge and I got my legs trapped under the falling fridge . I completely lost the feeling in my legs for three days , and have only got it back , I was lucky but my dog wasn 't as lucky because he died , so I wont be in work tomorrow either because I will be attending my dogs funeral . 924 . My life can be stranger than fiction , this is true . A moth flew into my alarm clock . The night before , I had been reading by candle light , and accidentally burned a small hole in my alarm clock . When my alarm did not go off the next morn . I noticed a fluttering sound . A moth had been attracted to the red led light . 926 . If you and some work buddies go for a few beers at lunch and one of really can 't handle your drink , and are slightly giggly or have a dazed expression . Get out of it by saying your on severe headache tablets and were unaware of the reaction ONE beer would make ! 927 . My coworker ( we 'll call him Jim ) claims his dog knocked him into his backyard picnic table breaking his ribs . He missed two days of work . Then a week later he came to work late claiming he sneezed in the shower , and because it hurt his ribs so much he fell in the shower . Unable to get up he laid there with no one to come to his rescue . After several minutes of calling for his sleeping wife in vain , his faithful hound ( the same dog that " broke " his ribs ) came in the door . He was able to grab his collar and was drug to freedom . Of course no one was able to keep a straight face when he told us of his morning plight . 928 . My sister got bit by a dog and I have to take her to the hospital . She has a wrist brace so I 'm gonna talk to her about dropping by work tomorrow if I go . 929 . I did not come to work yesterday because I thought when you said I was getting a promotion . I would get to work less , get paid a ridiculous amount of money , and do a horrible job like you . 930 . I worked for a company that was celebrating 10 years in business . The boss was generous enough to take all the employees and their ' dates ' to a local horse racing track , gave gifts to all the employees , fed everyone and gave the employees 10 $ 10 . 00 bills to bet on the races with . Part way through the event one of the girls ( a total slacker to begin with ) asked the boss for the day off on Monday because she had a job interview . The sad part is that he let her have the day & didn 't fire her ! 931 . I regret I cannot come to work today . I was practicing with my three section staff and smacked my knee . Aforesaid knee is now the size of a grapefruit and I can 't stand . 932 . Sorry I 'm late , I had to answer the bat signal . 933 . I worked at pizza hut and my boss told us once that a former employee called in one afternoon and stated she couldn 't make it in because her boyfriend and her decided to use an extremely large dildo during sex and it got lodged in her " private area " . She ended up going to the ER to have it removed . The boss decided since she actually had the nerve to reveal this , that he would let her slide . Turns out , it was true . 934 . I can 't come to work today I lost or some one broke into my house and stole my ID card . No one will know who I am , or I won 't know who I am . 935 . I was working with a woman named Marion - she 's very sweet , but a little dizzy at times . One morning , ( after working at the same place for the last three years ) she came in almost an hour late . Our manager asked her what happened , why she was late , and she told him , straight - faced , that she had gotten lost on her way to work because the sun was in her eyes and she missed her turn . He told her , if it had been anyone else he wouldn 't have believed them , but because it was her , he was sure it was true . 936 . I 've used this several times but the original was 10 years ago , I woke up one morning hearing my boss on my answering machine asking why I wasn 't in yet . I looked at the clock and noticed I was 2 hours late , I quickly got dressed went out to my car , popped the hood , ran my hands around the engine collecting grease and rubbed it up my arms and across my face , when I got to work I told my boss I had broken down on a freeway in downtown Detroit and pulled up right behind a stripped car , there was no way I was leaving my car there , so I had to get it running , my boss gave me the rest of the day off excused . On a related note once when going to a job interview I had gotten lost and was late , so I rubbed my arms over the wet tires and went in and said I 'm so sorry , I got a flat on the way here , and I just need to know if I can wash up somewhere first . Seeing those dirty hands no one ever thinks twice . 937 . Actually used by one a scary , as in kill you and eat you , scary security men . He wrote a note and left it for the day shift supervisor : " I won 't be in today because my paycheck is missing 3 hours . If I don 't get a new check for the 3 hours with interest , I 'm never coming back " . We calculated it out and it was about 47 cents ! 938 . Flat tire excuse that works every time ! Say you want to be late for work . So call in and tell them about your tire problem . Next prior to coming back to work , rub your hands all over one of your tires . I can tell you within 30 seconds you will have filthy , black dirty hands . When you get back to work and have to see the boss or whoever , start talking about your flat tire and at the same time show your dirty hands . They will believe it ! ! If you want to make it really look good , rub your dirty hands on your closes at bit , face if need be and you will look top notch . This excuse works great . So you decide how dirty you need to be ! ! , Ha , Ha . Good Luck and Many Happy Excuses ! 939 . I work in a small cafe in Wisconsin . One day one of the waitresses called in saying she could not work today because she is sunburned . This was in December . 940 . I had an employee call in and stated ' that he could not come in to work because his sister had a stroke in her eye . Another employees girlfriend called in to say her boyfriend could not make it in because he had a bone in his leg . 941 . Well I have a Job Interview about a year ago I was 7 months pregnant at the time so I completely forgot about it ( when your pregnant you get very absent minded Medical fact really ) so at around oh 1 : 30pm I remembered I had had the interview at 10am so I called the place where it was supposed to be and told them I had , had to get a Diabetes test done the kind were you drink the orange soda and wait 4 hours . And that the DR had called me in to do it at 7 am . Well it took 4 hours she said why are you not calling me until 1 : 30 ? I actually said I couldn 't find your number and didn 't remember I could call 411 tell like 5 minutes ago . ( At the time it sounded reasonable to me one of my many blond moments ) I also was not expecting this Question so hadn 't come up with a good answer Well needless to say I never interviewed for the job and now realized it was the worst excuse ever . 943 . Ok , if you want to go out drinking a night on a school night and you know your boss will rumble you for being hung - over . Take the day off , just call in with flu , food poisoning , something like that . Then go out and get smashed that evening . Go in to work the next day looking like crap , hang around for a few minutes , then say your to sick to be at work and go home . So you end up getting 2 days off , management think you tried hard to come in even though you were sick . In reality you 've skived 2 days off , had a great night and management think your a hero . 944 . " I can 't come in to work today because I have ergophobia . Fear of going to work . Also , it 's Monday all over again . " This one really works ! 945 . I will be late today because I have to go to the doctor 's . ( Upon insistent questioning from unsympathetic temp controller ) . I got a tampon stuck up me last night and I need to get some antibiotics . 951 . I live in the UK and this occurred some 8 years ago when gun crime was rare here . Whilst working as a field engineer I phoned in with this true excuse " I am stuck in my house as there are armed police surrounding the school across the road . " Some guy had held up an ambulance crew with an air pistol the best thing was all the young mothers using my phone . 952 . I won 't be able to come to work today , cos ' my goat committed suicide . ( Actual excuse ) In rural area 's , grazing goat 's are tied with a string to avoid them from wondering , and I guess this goat slipped , and was strangled . 953 . This is what I use when I 'm late for work ( not sure if it will work for you though ) . I was getting off the bus when my coat button got caught in the door n the bus took me 2 stops too far ! 955 . It was suggested to me by my boss to submit one of my favorite excuses for being late . " Hi Tracy , sorry but I am running a little late because my clothes are still drying . " Ah sorry Tracy will try to make it on time tomorrow . 956 . I can 't come in today because I was cooking pasta for breakfast and it exploded and blew the roof off my house and it landed on my car . 957 . I cant come in today because I had a prediction that my boss would die if I did . 958 . I cant come in because I woke up and I was in Atlantis . I have to walk back so it might take a while . 959 . I can 't be in today because my little cousin is sick . My aunt doesn 't speak English and I have to translate for her . 960 . I bought a new bed yesterday and it was so comfortable that this morning I couldn 't get out of it ! 961 . I just called my boss 3 minutes ago and told him . . . . . . . . . I have been at the doctor all morning with my mom because she has Granularioglentomia . . . . . . which is a real intestinal disease . . . . but anyway . . . . I told him I had to stay home with her so I wouldn 't be in today . 962 . I swear this was heard at my last job . . . its been years since I remembered it . . . " I can 't come in because my garage door is broken . " I 've never tried it . . . it worked for her ! 963 . I walk everyday getting to and from work , also going home for lunch . One day , going back to work from lunch , I startled a female robin ( mother or baby ) and next thing I know , I 'm being attacked by one very angry male robin . I had to stay facing the robin so I wouldn 't be attacked from behind , so consequently I was late to work since it takes longer to get there walking backwards . Upon arrival at the office , I had to explain the events . . . . and that brings me to here . My co - workers ( whom also have seen this page ) have required me to enter this fowl excuse . 964 . A guy called in to work a few weeks ago with this excuse : " I won 't be in to work today because I have anal glaucoma . . . I just can 't see my ass coming to work . " 965 . I can 't come in today . My daughter is sick and needs to go to the doctor . What does she have ? Uh . . . . . . Pink eye ? 966 . My friend K . took a leave of absence from work to get a hysterectomy . Any way some ladies had asked me where she was . I told them she went into surgery . Of course they asked why and without thinking I told them it was for a vasectomy . They stared at me and I then realized what I had said . Silence passed for what seemed like forever . We busted up laughing uncontrollably . I don 't know if our minds were in the gutter that day or what , but we were all thinking the same thing , transvestite ? I felt like a total moron . Of course I told K . and she thought it was hilarious . 967 . I once called in on a Monday morning with ' food poisoning ' . They felt bad for me until , surprisingly , I was in and fine the next morning . 968 . I woke up this morning with a headache , so I reached to the nightstand to take a couple of Tylenols , but I accidentally took two Tuinols , and did not wake up until 4 in the afternoon . . . . . I swear this is true ! You can 't make up stuff this good . 969 . If you know you don 't want to work tomorrow , call in late and tell your boss you have an tooth - ache and you will go to the dentist tomorrow morning . 2 hrs after you are supposed to be at work , you call in again and tell that now it even hurts more , because of what the dentist has done to your mouth . Maybe I will come tomorrow , or the day after that ? 970 . I need to go home early today because my testicles hurt . ( actually said by friend Dave . . . he didn 't come in the next day either . . . I guess they were really in bad shape . ) 971 . My coworker called in sick today as he has a hangover . And this is the umpteenth time he 's done it this year . No one says anything , but I get a funny look if I spend too long having a wee ! 974 . Real and true excuse . . . a co - worker called and said she couldn 't come in that day because her children were covered with bug ( mosquito ) bites and she needed to stay home and let the kids soak in a bath . And yes , she still works here to this day ! Give me a break ! 975 . Here 's ANOTHER excuse from the " My kids have bug bites " co - worker : She was in on Monday , then called in on Tuesday because she caught pink eye in BOTH eyes . To top it off , she came in to work on Wednesday with eyes white as snow . What made this excuse so far fetched was that a different co - worker had pink eye the week before , yet her eyes were pink for over a week ! ! ! And yes , this co - worker STILL WORKS HERE ! 976 . Another excuse from the " pink eye and kids with bug bites " co - worker : She called in one day because she had to stay home and console some people at her house because her " son 's , girlfriend 's , sister 's baby 's father " was killed . What a mouthful ! AND SHE STILL WORKS HERE ! 977 . These are two real excuses that were used by a former co - worker of mine . The first one was his next door neighbors were throwing a party and had parked in his driveway , blocking him in . The second one was after an ice storm ( I live in San Antonio ) . He told the supervisor that his driveway was iced over and he couldn 't get his car out . This one wasn 't believed since everybody else on the shift managed to make it into work safely and it was after the ice had already started thawing everywhere else . 978 . I made it to work on time with my 87 Ford truck but when I went to get my seatbelt off it wouldn 't come off . My horn doesn 't work in my truck and no one was outside . Finally someone came out so I was banging on my window to get his attention . He thought it was coming from inside so he went back in . I had to wait until someone else came out . They saw me and had to go and get the rest of the office to come outside and laugh at me . 979 . This actually happened to my boyfriend - he went to open his bedroom door and the handle came off , trapping him in his room . He called his long suffering boss who accepted it . . . thing is , he lives on the ground floor and could easily have climbed out the window and back in again so not much of an excuse really . 980 . I didn 't go to work one day and couldn 't face fake calling in sick again so I called up the next day , full of remorse and explained that I had been wandering through town on my way to work with a friend and had stopped off to look at the samurai swords in this shop . He 's an idiot and had managed to drop one on his hand , resulting in a nasty gash nearly severing his thumb from the rest of his hand . I of course had to take him to the hospital and my mobile had to battery so I couldn 't call . They were incredulous but didn 't want to call me a liar so accepted it . Thing is , it 's actually true - it happened to the friend , only a few months before and my boyfriend was with him . 981 . I had an employee call me once to tell me she would be late and wasn 't sure how late as the power was out and so she couldn 't get her car out of the garage . 982 . I can 't come in today , because my car ran out of gas . 983 . True story , We were working and a co - worker got a call . He came running back saying he had to leave , his wife was having a baby . The next day we were curious as to what the baby was , his reply : Wont know for 9 months ! 984 . I can 't come on because I stepped on a toothpick . It broke off & part of it is still in my foot . I need to go to the Dr . to have it removed . 985 . I worked at Salvation army for about a year . . . well the winter of 2003 I kept getting sick . . . flu , colds , and I was actually sick . . . well my boss told me that if I called in one more time I would get fired . . . due to the fact that I had called in more than five days during one month . . . well . . . I eventually went to the doctor for a cold I had been trying to fight for two weeks . . . note . . . there were days I went to work with this cold and I worked outside in the cold weather taking in donations people dropped off . . . well my doctor drew blood and took my blood pressure . . . and I found out I have diabetes . . . . when they heard this next time I worked they felt so bad for yelling at me that they apologized profusely and said " well that explains why you were sick all the time . . and here we thought you were just trying to make excuses because you don 't like the job . " For the rest of the day they treated me like I was made of glass and doted on me . . . it 's nice to be a girl * smiles * 986 . I worked at a grocery store my freshman year of college and I lived at the dorms . The grocery store was across town and I had to take the bus to work . Our bus system in my town is crappy . . . they only run until 7 : 00 pm . They don 't run on Sundays or holidays . . . well . . . I was scheduled to work on labor day and I found out the bus didn 't run that day . I called in to work to tell them that I wouldn 't make it because I had no way to get there . When asked why I couldn 't take a cab I truthfully told them . A ) I have no money at the moment B ) to take a taxi from my dorms to my work costs 25 freaking dollars . . . which in my opinion is way to much to spend on a taxi . . . . same reason I couldn 't work on Sundays . I had no money due to taxi far and told them to not schedule me on holidays and Sundays due to the crappy bus system . . . thankfully they knew how the bus system worked and didn 't ask questions . Another good excuse I used when I needed to stay and study or do my homework at the last minute . I can 't come in I have the flu . . . . key to pulling this off . . . make your voice sound like you are so miserable and are near death . . . worked for me every time . 988 . This morning I awoke with the headache from hell , but I didn 't think that was a good enough excuse so I placed a call to my boss 's voicemail stating that my neighbor was framing pictures late last night and cut her leg on the glass used in framing . I had to take her to the emergency room and was there all night . Of course I needed to rest therefore , I couldn 't possibly make it in . 989 . This guy I worked with called in saying his mother had died in a car accident . A couple of days later , my boss called to see how he was doing and his mother answered the phone . . needless to say he no longer works there . 990 . The best , or worst , excuse I got as a boss : " Tiffany " called to say she wasn 't going to be in because she went to her friends ' house in the next state and they all got really drunk and passed out . When she came to and went to get her car she found that the police had put a boot on it because she had parked for 18 hours in a 15 minute parking zone and , also , she hadn 't paid $ 350 in other parking tickets that she 'd had for over a year . She called the police to take off the boot but by the time she had sobered up enough to deal with it the cop with the key to the boot had gone for the day ( she said ) . She borrowed the money for the fine from her friend but couldn 't drive her car because the boot was still on it . We told her to borrow another $ 20 from her friend and take the bus which would bring her to within 500 yards of work . She decided that the bus was beneath her dignity so she called her father , who was 2 states away , to drive down and give her a ride ( AND HE DID IT ! ! ! ) ( She was 23 years old at the time . ) 992 . My friend has chicken pox and her doctor said their is an incubation period . So - I 'm in incubation and won 't be in to work for about 3 days . 993 . You know my friend , Whitney - he 's an Indian . Anyway , I went to watch a group of Indians celebrate the solstice . I was up all night so won 't be in to work today . Sorry you missed it . 994 . A co - worker of mine called into work to say " I can 't come in today , there is a family of wild raccoons in my fireplace . " She did not get in trouble ! 995 . I worked with a lady who seemed to have one reason or another to miss work , at least once a week . Here are a few of her excuses . 1 . ) She was out on a Monday because she said that her husband was kicked in the head by a horse on Friday morning and had to be taken to the emergency room Monday . 2 . ) She missed a couple of days of work because she said she had strept throat on the right side of her throat , and had to go to the doctor . . . where they prescribed her medication . ( fine , 1 / 2 way believable ) Two weeks later , she had to miss more work because the strept throat moved to the left side . ( did you know that the antibiotics only work for one side of the throat at a time ? ) 3 . ) Over a 2 month period she had meningitis , hepatitis , and bronchitis . 997 . I 've used this one more than once , but not back to back . Call your supervisor and tell him / her that you won 't be in today because you were doing some yard work and that you twisted your ankle really bad . You can 't walk on it , much less stand on it . You 're guaranteed to get the day off , just remember to act like you injured it the next few days . Unless of course you have the next few days off or it is on a Friday ( work Friday ) . You may have to describe the injury to them , but it works ! Trust me , it works . 999 . I actually used this one when I was extremely hung over and wanted to sleep in with my fianc � all day . . . I had my fianc � call my boss to tell her that I was pulled over for speeding and there was a warrant for my arrest from 5 years ago ( I forgot all about it ) and they took me to jail . I could only make one call and thought that calling my fianc � was the most important . Then , I didn 't go in the next day because I " had to sleep over in jail " - My boss believed me and then to boot , I used the excuse to get off early the next week to go boating - saying I had to go to court . |
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